Wed.12Sep: 8.05 And I’ve been awake from since 7.00… Why? I’m not truly certain. But the time has been well-utilised… I’m caught-up here. And the sun is shining. It’s rumoured to be a day of temperatures returning to the high 20’s in spite of the fact that it was only 6 degrees when I woke. Ah… the Autumn approaches from the North. And I welcome it. – It will be another day of learning, today. It will be another day of “Battle”, no doubt. (And yes, I am on the calendar, name and all, for the case this month. 57 years of a clean record, destroyed, at this point, in only a matter of months. Why? Because there are terminally obtuse people on the Earth. Destructive and bored and evil. Today will be another day of battle. And I will be there, armed and ready.) – Wed.12Sep: 17.42 WHERE did this day run to? And HOW did it escape me? Well, it’s not SO bad… banana bread is baking in the oven and a regular egg bread is rising (I hope) on the cup-board. SB and Hil are being like roudy kids in SB’s room: playing computer games, speakers on, volume UP! I have children… again. – 20.01 Breads are done, the house smells “baked”. It’s rather nice, considering this 100 year old house. But, SB’s putting jerk chicken in to marinade so… I’m sorry I introduced him to it now. And the kitchen? A mess… I had everything washed and put up. Clean. Done. Finished. I foresee me being EVER SO BUSY cleaning after somebody. I hope not. Yet, I wonder how his Mum is. That place was always clean when I visited. Gwen? Perhaps. Maybe that was their greatest contention: cleaning after “their boy”. We shall see. – And I did a bit of weeding in the front garden (if one can call it a “garden”). – This afternoon I walked diwn to market, got baking things including cream cheese to try making cheese cake. I believe I’ll need an electric mixer next. Walked back up, un-packed the groceries and headed to the Dollar General for baking pans/sheets. Got to the market and SB was just leaving! Small, SMALL town (village, actually) this. So he drove us to the store. I got the pans/sheet and bowls for L’ti’cha (I’m tired of her eating off our dishes… another thing I don’t understand about SB: hypocondriac that he is, he’ll leave food un-covered – and flys out-number everything in this state! And he’ll eat off plates he serves the cat in. Hmmm…) When we walked in, I went to begin baking but… LEFT THE DAMNED EGGS AT THE MARKET! Had to go to Mayhew’s fir smokes anyway so, out again. No problemme though. I truly didn’t mind. – As I got in and began to bske, SB began making curry-turkey burgers, Hil showed up and… there went “my” kitchen. Alas, my fault. I had the house to my-self all day and could have baked BEFORE. – As SB finished his messing, I got to mine. -Of note: When Hil showed, SB says, to me: “Mind if I take the lap-top?” “Nothing ever stopped you b’fore.” He grinned, nervously. (But, he DID come into my room to take the lap-top. It will be discussed at a later time. – Tomorrow I have a 12-hour over-night. Tonight I try to stay awake later. Tomorrow, try to sleep later. – Oh! Appointment with the lawyer on Monday! (I pray I’ll have enough gas… AND A CAR! Fukme.) The atty. I spoke with today says the whole office is “confused” because this shouldn’t even be in the courts. Imagine THAT! Idiots in the judiciary. Vermont! Really! – Doug got his lettre at about 13.30 today. I can’t wait. No doubt he’ll go into some raging fit. I’m in a “NY State of mind”… WAR-FARE time. – Hil’s got some kind of cold/bug, sneezing away. Hopefully she’ll keep it to herself. Right. – And I want to nap now, 20.27. SB’s cooking bloody jerk AGAIN!!! This is becoming irritating. I USED to like the stuff!!! Not so much anymore. – 23.24 The house has returned to “normal”. Poor SB is finally getting some. Tonight, again, he asked if I’d watch TV (PC) with him. I wonder… – The egg bread turned out rather strangely: crusty, pale brown, nothing like the bread I used to make. Admittedly, I did some things wrong, like not letting the dough rise completely the first time, then baking it before letting it rise after braiding. But it isn’t all that bad… for the first try in the new environment. There are things like water and elevation to be accounted for. But the banana bread wasn’t half bad. It’s a beginning. – And now I’m trying to stay awake until at least 2.00 to throw my sleep routine off for the next 2 days of 12-hour shifts. All said, I have to thank SB for this chance. Truly. If I’d still be at Fran’s, I’d be getting out of work at 8.00 and not getting to the house until 9.30 or so. Even at that, I’d be out looking for a park or some place to sleep because there’d be no place in her house to get any, and I mean ANY sleep… never mind “rest”. This place here has given me more opportunities. Now all I need to do is get a better-paying job. And I know I can do that! – Well, time to wind this date down. More later… no doubt.

Thu.13Sep: 3.14 Yes, that’s 3:14AM, as in “the morning”. I’m trying to exhaust myself so that I’ll sleep a bit later and be ready for the shifts coming the next 2 days… 12-hours each. I do believe that this is late enough. It’s time to give it up and crawl under the covers. So… Goodnight New England! Thank you SB!- 19.29 St.A, parking lot. 28,8mi and 45 minutes. Over-kill on the timing. But when operating a vehicle that may or may not have been reported as “stolen”, one gives extra time… just in case. – I was up until almost 4.00 this morning, hoping to sleep until noon… Not a chance. 8.00 and I was so-too awake. Only napped for 45 minutes all day. I’m nervous now. I have to be awake ALL night tonight fir work. Here we go! – *I happened to check the e-mails that come in on the iPod and, just now, the reason I carry this thing came to serve: INTERVIEW! Rchfrd! AT LAST! I beg my Mum and entire entourage that they align the Forces of Nature so I get this job! It would be a MAJOR relief! – As for the day… (24.35) Since I couldn’t sleep, I checked some e-mails on the lap-top, had coffee, went down-stairs to get the night’s “snacks” together. There were dishes to be done and 3 bags of garbage in the kitchen. Got the dishes done and broke-down the garbage… So much recycling is just being tossed as well as returnable bottles and cans. I took the liberty of going into SB’s room to get glasses and empty soda cans. (Because I’m the Mom, that’s why.) Sorted through everything, hopingbSB doesn’t find it insulting. But then, HAD to wash/mop the kitchen floor because of cat food and bits of cooking food. I do luv that he cooks (though I don’t eat unless offered… my own decision, I don’t buy, I don’t cook, therefore I don’t eat) but Ido wish he’dbe a bit more careful about the food bits. L’ti’chat has found a way to get into the basement from out-side (we find her at the cellar door in the morning of late), my concern? Next time somebody opens the door… coon… or SKUNK! Well, I got the chance to mention this to SB… I’m convinced: he and Hil don’t take it seriously. Alas. But, the floor got cleaned. So, OK. – SB got home just as I finished the floor. Poor guy… when I mentioned my concern, he’d had a tough day and thought I was angry. He’s trying so hard to be the perfect guy on his job and, as will be the case, the Towns-folk are being a bunch of dix. I try my best to encourage and support him, having gone through it myself. He’s good at his job. But small-town people can and will be small-minded dix. I just wish there was something I could do to help him. (Maybe if I get the spot in the PO I’ll be able to help him. That would be SUPER!) – A 45 minute nap 15.15-16.00. NOT ENOUGH! But, I got me together for tonight, leisurely, put my room in order and was ready to go on time… after washing more dishes and the Foreman grill. (My “bad”… to think I bought that thing for him for his b’day. But he enjoys it… that’s what matters.) – By 18.15 I was on the road. Damned shame: it’s a lovely drive. Too bad I have Doug’s bull-shit to worry about. (I’m betting he’ll just report a theft simply because his balls and penis are so insignificant.) – As for this Client: she’s precious. The “intro” was, as most are, ridiculous. But… in addition to the pay (which had BETTER be at the raised rate!), I get 16 miles travel paid! Not enough to buy the house, but… And again, the Client is adorable, the environment, pleasant. – Now, HELP me stay awake!

Fri.14Sep: 1.16 At mid-night I got a break. It’s so warm out-side! And the sky, so clear and almost black. Stars. Warm breezy. Not the same St.A I was thrilled to be in, back in January… but just as nice. And I’m still awake… and hungrier than expected. And the “precious” Client is still restless! It’s going to be an “interesting” next 6,5 hours… give me strength. – But I have WiFi here! – 16.01 I did alright until about 6.00 this morning when suddenly, Mme. Decided to wake and I decided I almost couldn’t keep my eyes open. Working through the night on insufficient sleep took hold. But I managed. I got to observe breakfast, which will help me in days to come. And as far as I know, there will be more. I’m certainly not complaining, I just have to acclimate my body for this. No easy task, this. I’m accustomed to “early to bed and early to rise”. The “Old World”. – When 8.00 came along, I was ready to leave, the staff was just wonderful! And off I went, into the early morn. – The drive is (could be) so wonderful. Nice roads, nice scenery. I just wish I could actually enjoy it now. But there’s that threat, hanging over my head and weighing on my chest: “stolen car”? Well, other than that, the car made it. I stopped at the RiteAid for smokes and rolled along the river to… Home! – 9.11 was the time on the clock when I finally hit the cot for sleep. And was I ready for it. Unfortunately, today is the day that the townsfolk decided to mow lawns. But, I must say, it didn’t take long: I’m a NYer, certain noises don’t keep us from the important things in life… like falling asleep when we’re on the verge of coma. The next thing I knew, it was 13.30. Not nearly enough sleep, but better than none at all. I took my time waking, trying to decide whether I should or not. Decided to do so and so… here I am. Can’t say much more than that. Tonight I get to recover and plan my plans, adapt my bio-clock for tomorrow, when it will be back to the routine. (Oh, let this PO interview go perfectly well!) – And for now… I’m about to laze and amuse myself, try to stay awake for a while and figure how to re-set the internals for tomorrow. – 23.27 It’s a quiet sort of night. Just the slightest rain falling on our little village. The only sound is the tapping of a few light rain-drops on the metal roofing out-side my window. And the rest of this old house is in silence. It was a “double feature” night tonight: “Super Troopers” and “The Big Lubowski”. Imagine that pair. The first one put this state in its proper light. I almost hate to say it, but it did. As it was this morning, driving along through the corn-fields of Berkshire, I can’t help but think: There’s a certain “mystery” to this state, a certain air, a certain curiosity. It grabbed me. It grabs others. But when you get here, it all disappears into the insanity that is the “Reality” of the place: It’s an imaginary place, really, that has concocted its own mystique. It’s more like every simple “country-folk” joke (I won’t call them “Rednecks” because they really aren’t, they’re really just a bunch of people who have chosen to ostracise themselves from the rest of the world and have chosen to take a certain pride in that) confined to a much larger area of “rural” than just a small town. That pretty much covers it all: It’s a very large “small town”.) (As I sit here, typing this, just down the block, a crowd of rowdy locals, probably drunk, not sufficiently brilliant to know how to handle the alcohol they’ve consumed, yelling, probably at each-other, breaking the pleasant silence with their cacophony, trying to give the illusion that they are of much more import than is the reality of their existence. This once was an integral part of this country. Once… 100 years ago or more. It is, nothing more than a “border town” today. And where the mills used to break the flow of the great river, there are rocks, with holes in them, worn by the waters, and nothing more… nothing less. Just a lot of nothing… and nobody.) – Tonight, again, I noticed the way the street lights shine in through the huge windows of this house. It’s almost reminiscent of Oma’s house, the way the light penetrates through the slats of the window blinds, just at one particular spot on the wall, yet illuminating the entire room. It’s eerie and yet, simultaneously comforting. I like it. I like this house. I like this Life here. I don’t like the initiation (that’s what I’m thinking of this period as, merely because that’s the only way I believe I can handle all the tribulations that befall me, even as I go about my simple, humdrum existence here). But I am actually Happy here. Especially in this house. And, I will fight for it. There are only 2 choices in this matter: fight, or, as has been said several times already, just return to that existence with which I am familiar, back in NYC. I choose… this. If, for no other reason, the fact that I am North… where I yearned to be for so long. (These thoughts are simply in my head and I’m putting them down here, in no particular order or sequence. Just to get them recorded, for no apparent reason.) – I am disgusted with much… J.San, Doug, Fran, PJ. I was disappointed for a while, but that’s changed to disgust. Particularly with Fran: In my gut I know that she’s at the root of the present tribulations and no matter what she might think or believe, the trouble she’s causing is certainly NOT appropriate to the misery she has constructed for her-self. I was stupid not to see her asinine manifestations of perceived Hell. I know, inside, that she is lost in her own misery and was so hoping that she’d pull me in with her. Well… In truth and fact, however, I suppose they were put here, in my Life, to prove that people are not necessarily “nicer”, no matter where you go. I came here, stupid, expecting to find the “nicer” people, the kinder people. And, just as I have been saying all along: As my Mum always told me: “Real NYers are nice people.” and indeed, they are… WE are. – Well, I’m trying to stay awake until quite late tonight, in the hopes of sleeping a bit later tomorrow. Tomorrow brings yet another all-nighter. These are difficult days but will be well worth the effort. Indeed, they will be. I will see to it. – All this while, the BDM sits on the little make-shift table here, in my room, prepared and ready to be served. It’s the key to the door… it’s the door “out”. And it sits, on the make-shift table, beside the cot that serves as my bed.

Sat.15Sep:13.24 It was rather difficult, waking this morning after getting into bed at about 4.00. But here I am and here the day has gone: “Tuesday, January 10, 2012 after a courageous battle against Ewing’s Sarcoma”… Michael! 19 years old. I want to vomit! That young man should NEVER have suffered! And what made the obits even more poignant is the obvious omission of one of his onkels. Indeed, there is true Hateful stock in the blood-line and today, it becomes incontrovertibly blatant: I have NO siblings and that the time for anger is ended. – Sarah, they say, is in Mass. I committed no wrong against her, but having the blood-line severed, I have neither right nor desire to re-connect. There are matters in Life that are best left as they are. – Some might say that it is in the best interest of some “greater good” to re-unite. I neither believe in nor ascribe to this theory… particularly not now. – So today, on this rather chilled, over-cast, almost Autumnal North Country after-noon, I can and do, discard the bitterness and the un-forgiveness, and relegate it all into Oblivion, where it should have been many years ago, and where it belongs. – Still, I want to vomit. – 24.08 At work. – It’s been a rather strange sort of day; the news of Michael’s death still doesn’t registre as a reality. 19 years old. Really? I still remember the call, at the bar, Christopher St, Middletown. I wasn’t happy. C.’d only just gotten back to Tony after being separated for almost 6 months. “I want another child!” she’d angrily snapped at me. Well Dear? You got it. Happy now, are you? (Odd… all day I’ve been fighting with my own guilt-born-of-anger and those just-about-horrid things I’ve been almost wishing for her for having tossed my life away by simply not paying the storage bill as she’d ptmised snd then never told me that she’d just let it all go. Now? I do see: Selfishness. And not mine. She “wanted” another child and she got one. Still, Michael… well… There’s no more pain, no suffering, no struggle to come. He’s the Blessed one in this.) Me? I’m burned-out, all too simply. – Well… I got a haur-cut in brfore leaving for work. No particular attention to this one: Just used the attachment. Not too shoddy… and quick and easy. Done.

Sun.16Sep: 1.38 at work. LNA Amanda on again tonight and MaryRN is from Long Island! But tonight the Client is exceptionally animated and I am really not in much of a mood for it. Yesterday’s news about Michael, Doug’s bull-shit, Fran’s fukking me round, she’s responsible for my having to go to court, having to drive to BTV tomorrow, needing gas and money to get gas… generally, I’m growing fed-up with much… but will NOT take it out on those who are not responsible for any of it… certainly not this Client. It’s just “one of those nights” I suppose. – 4.01 The Client is STILL managing to make this a restless night for both of us. I’m looking forward to 8.00 and going home… to rest! – My body is not adjusting well to these hours. – 17.28 The iPod jammed this morning and I couldn’t turn it off all day! (When I got home, I searched: it’s almost typical. And yes, I’ve fixed it. Backed-up to SB’s PC. Hmmm. Let him enjoy my images.) – It was a totally restless night, but by this morning, I didn’t mind at all because Mme. Cliente was actually responsive! And took 3 cups of water… om her own! Did my heart good. And the night staff are sympa… we get along wonderfully. I’m looking forward to returning. – It was truly delightful, driving home: mist rising from theriver and the cirn fields, bright blue skies above, brilliant sun-shine and the dampness on everything made the world shine! I actually had to wear sun-glasses! But it was stupendous, really! – As I passed through Enosburgh at 8.27, the banque registred 45•F! The chill is in the air… at last! – Got home to let L’ti’chat out of the basement. Damn it! This is going to become problematic. We need to fix the window she uses to get in before other creatures discover it! Fed her too. (Today my attitude is: SB wouldn’t have my name on the lease here for what-ever reason so, let Mr. Leaser take care of it. I’ve that attitude about several items round here. All too simply… because.) And then came the matter of the CHILL! This old house can hold the cold and shed the heat. I put the heat up for a bit! A check onthe oil: 1/8 tank. I wonder who’s in control of that… but I believe that’s the owner. Pas importante, là. And I swept the floors… they could stand a wash but, that was good enough for today. – Oh! Grabbed a 2-hour nap and AS I NAPPED, HILARY MADE HER-SELF “AT HOME”, CAME IN TO THE KITCHEN (left the door open!) AND STRUNG “PRAYER CLOTH” THINGS ON THE FRONT AND BACK PORCHES! OK THEN! Just come along and do shit as you please then? OK. Fukdat! I too, shall take my liberties… and we shall see how THAT flies. Pisses me off, quite honestly. – Did the iPod back-up thing and responded to an e-mail from NANC! Her e-mails always brighten my mood… no matter what. (Odd how there’s been not a syllable from PJ any more.) – SB got in about 12.30… I was down-stairs but he went directly up to Hillary’s for what-ever reason. I was (still rather am) in a bit of a foul mood so it was just as well. I came up-stairs. – And that didn’t do much good: He and she make so much noise they can be heard through the walls! Not to mention the plodding foot-steps and such. Yes, I’m in a foul mood. – But… I got some socks mended/darned… not sewn (17.59 heat’s up again and I’d lowered the thermostat. Funny, but if the oil goes, it’ll blow cold air… and I doubt, seriously, that SB knows of such things. Me? I have my little heater at the ready in the room.) Then had to take another hour’s nap. Must sleep tonight because must get to BTV tomorrow after-noon… atty. (That too, puts my mood “foul”… and little gas, no pay til Friday.) – Well, CBC on the radio. I have that: Français ben sûre. It rather soothes… especially today when my ears don’t want to hear English… it’s one of those days. And… the day is almost gone… I need a shower before bed… I have a bath up here… I might just use that instead. What-ever. – 18.08 and SLAM! Kitchen cup-board down-stairs. Honestly! SO BLOODY INCONSIDERATE! Child-like. Sophomoric. – 19.49 BATH! I just had a “Sunday night bath”! How delightful! Relaxing. And now I’m hungry but… I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to go down-stairs… the wretched stench of head-shop-Richmond-Hill (Queens NYC) is stuffing every niche in this house and it’s disgusting! Damn! Just bloody nasty! Puts me in mind to simply get a paying job and get the fuk OUT of here. Just GO. Hey, my name doesn’t appear any-where. I’m free to go. And yes, this very much gives legitimate cause. Nauseatingly… in many senses of the term. And my jackets are hanging in the closet out-side the room where they’ll absorb the stench? Lovely. Between this here and the stale cigarette stench at Fran’s… in addition to the dog food on Fran’s floors and cat food on these floors… Never Peace. Never Peace. (Foul, FOUL mood tonight… even after a nice bath.) – In an hour I’ll just try for sleep for the night. Fukkit. (But the little heater is running in here, temperature is up yo 25.• and that’s rather nice… and I’ll pay half the cost to run it. Hey! Mr. “MY Name ON The Lease… And Bills”. OK? OK then. (Foul, FOUL mood.)- 21.30 Closing note: Went to the kitchen after journalling, to find something to eat. What I found: dirty stove-top and counter-top, dishes in basin with a bit of soapy water, coffee cup on counter with some tea in it, wet Chinese noodles in a PAPER bag on the floor. I ckeaned the stive and counter, did the dishes, threw the wet garbage into the garbage pail (which is right beside the wet food garbage in the paper bag… RIGHT BESIDE IT!). 4 un-cooked turkey franks for me. Fuk.

Mon.17Sep: 23.56 It actually turned out to be quite the nicer of days today… aside from the fact that I wanted to be and planned on being asleep at this hour. But TWO movies with SB! TWO! I think it had something to do with today’s hug. But I’ll get into that in a moment. For now… the day. – Today’s meeting with the attorney has been changed to Friday afternoon. Good and bad news. I have to be at work on Thursday night at 20.00 and work through until 8.00 on Friday morning. Then, a 5-hour break… until I have to be at the attorney’s office (for the “embezzlement/petit larceny” trial). Then, I get to come home and nap until I have to be back at work at 20.00 on Saturday night and work through to 8.00 on Sunday. At this rate, there’ll be no sleep from Thursday night until Sunday morning. Quite the feat, that. But we shall do what we must and see how it plays out. – So, that gave me today to get into a bit of painting. Nothing serious. Just a bit of experimental stuff for now. Just something to put colour to paper and ease back into the water-colouring. – I got distracted along the way and spent the rest of the afternoon getting more music… mostly from the 70’s and Mr. G’s. When I think of the almost 20 years I worked on getting all the music from the juke box together, recorded it all on those 2 CDs and that wretch they call my “sister” tossed with-out so much as a thought. Well… there’s no dwelling on that anymore.. I believe Karma has intervened… a bit more than sufficiently. But it’s gone, done. Meanwhile, I work on re-creating those magnificent days… and they were… Magnificent. I have the memories, and I’m alive today to journal this, thanks to George. (I wonder where he is today… probably dead by now. Where-ever he may be, I pray it is Peace.) And so, there is more music… MUSIC! Including the French versions (from up North) of current hits! I have MUSIC! SO important, that. – As for the “hug”… at one point, SB came in for a break, came up-stairs, walked into the room and just said “Give me a hug. I haven’t seen you in DAYS!” I told him that I was in a “foul mood” and his reply? “It’s no wonder. You work your-self so close to death.” Imagine? So, he gave me a big hug and said that it was good to see me and went back down-stairs to change… this morning was quite on the cold side… the after-noon got rather toasty… he dressed for the chill and had to change. I followed him down to get something to drink and came back up when he left… that’s when I got into the music down-loading thing…- This evening, when he came in from work, we discussed the prayer cloths… Hillary! Now, I like Hillary… but I don’t appreciate the way she’s just taking over the place, putting things on our porch, coming and going as she please. This evening she came to the kitchen to use the microwave! Thankfully, she didn’t stay. As I say, I like her… I don’t appreciate her lack of common courtesy. And I learn this evening that she’s a (self-proclaimed) Buddhist… hence the prayer “cloths. Is THAT the way Buddha teaches? To ignore the rights and privacy of others? To disrespect boundaries? SB rather fancies him-self a Buddhist as well… and there are a great many things about him that smack of it: He truly DOES care for and about others, and he IS sensitive to the right to “personal” of others. He ascribes to a great much that Buddhism teaches and he does rather live it. I mean, if I were to tell him that the incense he burns bothers me, I know, for a fact, that he’d deny him-self his own pleasure of burning it so as not to bother me. (I couldn’t do that though… I’m not a Buddhist… just a shit4brains who empathises a bit too much). Anyway, Hillary came, heated and left… – I had to walk down to the store and SB wanted to come along… so we strolled and talked about… much. The guy’s so deep in debt and trying to keep ALL his debtors pleased ALL the time! Again, tonight, I told him: You’ll get to the age where you’ll see that, in reality, your striving to keep your debtors happy is just a waste of time. In the long run, you’re only an account number on a computer screen. I try to tell him to make certain that he keeps enough of his income to enjoy! Yes, pay expenses, but NOT at the cost of your own enjoyment. I mean, he works 6 days per week! He deserves to enjoy his income! I mean… shit… really! He said “I’m looking forward to the day when I think that way.” I told him… that day can be this day… he just has to take the time to look at the reality and learn from it… and not wait another 20 years to do that. Ah well… The young man must learn in his own fashion. I tried. Good enough. But the walk was delightful and truly pleasant. – Then came the “You in a mood to watch a movie with me?” How could I say “No”? And so we settled into his room down-stairs whilst L’ti’chat slept on my lap, then on his bed… PURRING PURRING PURRING LOUDLY all the while. She’s certainly HIS little kitty now! And she really is growing on me as well. (Now I have to get the basement window fixed so she and her friends don’t take up residence down there!) – I could go on, but I really can’t. I’m exhausted tonight. – Oh! E-mail from Nanc tonight! Bless her! Really made my day… as usual. – It’s 24.27 (today time)/0.27 tomorrow time and I’m on over-time and exhausted time so… Away from this lap-top and under the covers. Tomorrow, if the weather permits, I’m thinking of taking a stroll up to Sutton… it’s only about 8,6 miles up the road… if I still walk at my youthful pace, I can be there in about 2 hours… and I’ll get to WALK across the border and onto the “HOME-LAND”! (Note to self: bring a jar to bring soil back… heheheheh.)

Tue.18Sep: 22.34 Another day has passed. And this has had it’s interesting moments and it’s other-wise moments, to be certain. I begin by journaling that I am awake, SB is in bed. The dishes are done and the kitchen is “clean”, including the Foreman grill. (After having experienced several people with this cooking thingie, I now wonder if it’s a pre-disposition of people who own them to refrain from cleaning them. I wonder if they believe that the things are self-cleaning, or immune to growing all sorts of bacteriae. So far, every person I’ve met, known, encountered has been the very same: use the damned thing and then, maybe, use the little scraper, if that, and leave the thing to build-up all sorts of food deposits and such. Eventually, the thing warms up and the stench is gagging, but they continue to NOT clean it! Hmmm…) That said… the day. – I woke later than I’d wanted to, because I’d gotten to bed later than I’d wanted to last night. (Again, the cleaning.) I’d wanted to take a stroll up to Sutton today (the “Home-land”… Québec) but the weather was not in accordance (d’accord?),with rain and heavy winds. In fact, as I sat here, in my little chamber on the 2nd floor (I refer to it as “the attic” even though it’s not), as the winds blew fiercely, I heard a muffled crackling noise, rose to the window to see a HUGE tree downed across the street! The wind took the damned thing DOWN! How-ever, I HAVE to note: It couldn’t have been more than 20 minutes when, after a droning of chain saws, the entire tree had been brought down to portable sized bits and completely removed! And NOT by the local municipality but by the home-owners! Ah… but it’s great to be back in the country where folks take care of their own business… and promptly too! – As for today’s weather, it was extremely bizarre! The winds were nothing short of damned impressive! But they were almost HOT! Even as the rains fell, the temperature rose to the mid 20’s (or close to the 80’sF)! It was un-settling to me. Just a-typical. Thankfully that one tree was the only little disastre du jour. All returned to “normal” shortly after, and now, there’s a gentle rain falling out-side the window. – Prior, SB drove us into Eburgh where we went to the Dollar store and I bought some duct tape. (“His” cat has made it her privilege to come through one of the basement windows where she passes the night, waiting for somebody to open the door into the kitchen to let her out. My thought is: if the cat is getting into the basement, then there will be others following, and then? Racoons, skunks and who-knows-what will follow! And although it’s none of my business, I will NOT have that kind of thing making its way up the stairs and into the room I inhabit. Period. Then we stopped at market to pick-up a few edibles and we were back in no time. It was good to get out of the house, I must say. Not where I’d hoped to go, and that trip was longer than it would have been to go to where I’d wanted. But… That’s how it went. – When we returned, I taped the basement screen so to keep the critters out and no sooner had I finished than the landlord came by to say that he’d be in tomorrow to put the windows in for the Winter. Imagine that! Timing! Alas… and who-the-F cares? Not I. Besides, I appreciate the facts that he comes to say he’ll be coming and that he takes care and interest in the house. (He should only know what this place would look like if I didn’t bother cleaning… or if I wasn’t here at all!) – The day passed…I managed to find some old Country music to down-load today, mostly tunes from the 60’s and early 70’s that I remember. Singing along with them actually got me crying… the lyrics and the memories associated with them. “Four Walls” in particular… reminded me of the nights in New Prospect, standing at the kitchen sink, washing the dinner dishes from a full dinner prepared and served in anticipation of Lou’s arrival, which never happened, staring out the window into the utter blackness of night, the dinner had been tossed to the bears in the back wood and I was there… not knowing, singing into the night. Ah… fond memories… of stupidity. – SB and I watched a movie again tonight. All was quite peaceful, as it should be. – A particular note today: I received notice from the P.O. about an application for a job… the same job I’d held in NY for a couple of years: I’m not “qualified”! This is the SECOND such message in reference to the SAME job! And tonight I’m wondering and quite pissed beyond so many words… Suspicious. I wonder if it has anything to do with the pending court case: embezzlement-down-to-petty larceny. I haven’t been to trial, so I haven’t actually been found “guilty”. If that’s the case, my bitterness intensifies because the whole incident wouldn’t have happened had Fran done something about making her place the “home” she kept insisting it was! Had she done something to ensure that I got the necessary rest to go to work with a clear head. Add to that the fact that she never did anything to make her place a “home” to me even AFTER the matter was discussed, during which, by the way, she ADMITTED that I hadn’t rested and that it WAS her fault! (And then continued to ensure that I never got a full night’s sleep… which is why I’m here today… because being in that house was worse than being in the Shelter in NYC and, like in the Shelter, I HAD to get OUT! ) To continue, to add to that, there is the matter of the tickets for an un-inspected vehicle and driving with-out a license. If I hadn’t been damned exhausted on that day, I’m certain it all would have been much different… much better. But I was SO COMPLETELY FUKKED-UP IN THE HEAD FROM FATIGUE that I couldn’t think straight. Thanks Fran. We move along to the move from there to here and the ensuing issue with Doug and his threats. SB and I both agree that there’s something quite miserably rotten about the timing in that: I leave Fran’s and suddenly I get the “nasty” from Doug. Hmmm… we both feel Fran must have gotten on the wire to somebody immediately and started some new dramatic. I’m just thankful that I kept the POB there and never said where I was headed when I left. Now, should anybody come along to find me? All I will document here and now is that I will take care of the matter in the best way I can at this point… and with all the police charges against me in the past 2 months, and the BDM still prepped, I don’t much care about anything or anybody around here… me included. Seems I’m accused, found guilty and condemned all in one felled swoop anyway. So? If I’m going down, let’s make it worth the efforts of the judiciary. That’s my stand. Especially now since it appears that I’m being fukked out of getting a decent job in addition to all the other shit. Now it’s hitting me in my ability to survive. So, it’s a matter of my own survival, v. theirs. And even if they are to succeed, they won’t do it without collateral losses… and I’ll see to it that those are substantial. – Enough said on that issue… on to one more whilst I whine. I noticed, this evening, that SB referred to “My cat getting into my basement…” “MY” cat in “MY” basement!? Indeed! YOURS. HIS. Certainly not “ours” or “the” basement. HIS basement. Quite interesting, that. Makes me feel REALLY comfortable. And I think back to when we first arrived and he mentioned “I don’t even know how long you’ll be here. You might be going to jail.” Yes, that line stuck… deep. And so, I feel like a house-guest… one who is expected to split the expenses but never enjoying any sort of “owner-ship”. It’s all TRANSIENT AGAIN! How comforting. And so, as much as I adore this place, I am in a constant state of mind: Get a good-paying job and GET THE FUK OUT! Add that to the need for a new vehicle. It makes Living Life SO hopeful… (my stomach churns). – And now, at 23.25, late again, the radio plays wonderfully calming music from the “Home-land”, in French, and in my heart I think about just heading out into the rain and heading across the border… to figure out how to never come back to it again… one way or another. I’m close to HOME now… I’d “go” Content… one way or another. But, again tonight, the curiosity of it all keeps me here, keeps me wondering. I actually AM dumber than advertised. And I can hear Hillary chatting with her “boy du jour” through the wall. Life… fascinating shit. I’m quite tired… just quite tired. Time to put this onto the Journal and call this day “Fermé”.

Wed.19Sep: 2.24 Here I go again! LATE! TOO LATE! But in the hours that have passed, I managed to find ALL the notes from July that are integral to the court case coming! I’ve posted them here, under password, and now I have them! It’s a good thing! – Got an e-mail off to Nanc in spite of this damned lap-top bouncing all over the place because I can’t disengage the touch pad. And now, as the rains fall in the night, and the temperature PLUNGES into coolness, I am NOW going to TRY to get SOME rest. See? All those restless and sleepless nights conditioned and prepared me for these nights. So there was SOME good that came from it… even though the cause of those restless and sleepless nights is the cause for these events at present (may she ROT). – That said… I’m off to the cot! – 21.49 and yet, another day draws to a close on this little New England schtettle. Today’s lesson, boys and girls has been that we cannot simply adopt what we perceive to be a “stray” cat and expect that it will stay with us, no matter what. Additionally, we have, in all actuality, not learned that no matter what, a kitty is a responsibility and that we cannot simply expect that little kitty to be around all the time… merely at our convenience. Yes, it would seem that little L’tit’chat has disappeared. The circumstances may or may not be suspicious. But the fact is: she was here this morning and has disappeared ever since and Silas is rather taken by it. Hmmm… – But to chronological the day’s events: – It began with a text message from SB telling me that my appointment at the PO today has been postponed to tomorrow… Note: the message did NOT come from people who are involved with the interview… rather… those with the responsibility to me simply told HIM to tell me! I was, in a mild manner of speaking, BLOODY PISSED TO HIGHEST HEAVENS! First of all, I wasn’t discussing the interview with SB (primarily because I trust him to open his mouth and spew something that is inappropriate and none of their bloody business in the first place, thus putting my chances of being hired at risk… I opine based on experience), but that was dashed to bits. Secondly, that is not proper protocol, no matter how one looks at the situation. The message should have come from the PO and NOT via somebody employed there! There was no official notification given and there are TWO people involved with the interview process! Neither of whom acted in accordance with proper protocol or decorum. Thirdly, I had planned my week around this event. I have to be at my 12-hour shift tomorrow evening and was looking forward to resting and relaxing and perhaps, even lazing during the day (and I have some papers to get together in preparation for taking Doug to court soon). Just throws me off! I did get the chance to speak with SB about it this morning when he made the mistake of calling. I vented and let him know how I feel about the situation. For example, I told him that since there are several violations of procedure and such, folks down at the PO should be glad that I’m not a prick about this and ready to report them. Information was spread amongst people who had and have no business knowing such things, for example, SB didn’t have to know about my interview! Then there’s the issue about the OIC asking a TRC for information on a resident in town AND the TRC giving that information! Violation again. HR might be interested in knowing that protocol wasn’t followed and that I was not notified that the PM who supposed to conduct the interview decided, last minute, that she couldn’t make it and rather than telephone me (she has my contact info) or send an e-mail, she chose to use the “grape-vine”. Yes, all are rather lucky that I understand the “small town” bits and that I won’t pursue the matter any further (although I might use it in tomorrow’s interview to try and ensure my employment… I’ll have to wait and see). So, the day began with me being rather snarky. (Later, SB came to talk with me about it. Seems he took it all personally, a point I told him he had no right to do, and I had to heal the wounds… his feelings were hurt. But he did admit that he needs to be a little more sensitive and aware of protocol at work and stop being so cutesy-friendly all round. He says that today… once said, the whole matter disappears. Alas… But he’s a good kid, truly.) Subsequently, I did get a chance to meet, informally, with the OIC who was wise enough not to conduct the interview then and there… but was not wise enough to be honest with me about how much info he has on me… SB said that he’d claimed to have “nothing” as far as paper-work, but, when I asked, I was told that he had ALL the paper-work… just (oddly) no contact info. Hmmm…. The plot thickens (Hello Kendall… I’m thinking of you again, hoping with my all that you’re OK these days). – There you have that. – The visit to the PO was so that SB could post some package off and I must add that it was interesting: He has no clue about mailing, and when he asked the woman at the desk to get him a zip-code, she fumbled miserably. OK then… shows me what I’m bucking against… time to “dumb-down”… but only a bit. – Next? A visit to our local “You Name It”… known locally as “The Pink Lady”… 3 floors and about 100 rooms in a HUGE PINK VICTORIAN HOUSE right n the main street! It was AMAZING! SO MUCH STUFF! Books, clothes, lights, china, pots, pans, dolls, toys, post cards (from Florida!), bits and pieces of bits and pieces, meat grinders, ALL sorts of things! Just clutter on clutter on clutter and in no particular order… although some rooms are rather sort-of dedicated. Just amazing! (And priced not to sell, but to make a buck on tourists… pricey as all get out.) The place should be an attraction! It’s for sale… with or with-out the inventory and the town’s folk complain that it’s an eye-sore. Still… it just might break me of my Goodwill trips! (IF I can get the proprietresse to bring reasonable prices for locals.) – Then come the calls from the office… I have a 90-day review due AND the best? The client I was seeing for a while has not had ANY service since I was there last time (weeks ago)! The office asked if I’d travel 130mi to take a 4-hour assignment from 13-17.00 AND right before having to travel an additional 30mi to get to a 12-hour, 20-8.00 shift the same day! Imagine THAT! In one respect it’s rather complimentary that I’m that good that I’m thought of and requested. In another, it’s rather insulting that it should be considered that I might take the assignment, with gas now at 4,00$/gal! Hmpf! Indeed! Yes, I need the income. But I’d be driving that nasty vehicle to get to a job that would probably just cover the cost of the gas used to get to and from. Ah-HAH! Nope. – There-after I went rather domestic today: Baked a loaf of bread and some rolls, made a tomato-sauce base from some fresh tomatoes SB brought and left to almost go bad, washed dishes like crazy, did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen (after me AND after SB who STILL insists upon NOT washing the grease off the dishes AND NOT washing that damned Forman grill!), folded SB’s laundry (he commented that his clothes have NEVER been folded so neatly… he also commented that I got the inside of a stainless steel bowl to shine… I replied “I washed it.”) – And so went the day. And now it’s went and gone and done. – Tonight I have to get my internal clock back into “No sleep” mode again. As of tomorrow, it’s going to be a HELL of a time: The interview at 13.00, to work by 20.00 until 8.00 on Friday morning when I have to leave and drive 30 miles to BTV to meet with the attorney at 13.00. Friday evening I have off but have to be back at work on Saturday evening at 20.00 to pull another 12-hour shift until Sunday morning. Sunday night begins the Yom Kippur fast through Monday (so far, nothing else on Monday or Tuesday). Wednesday is Court! Then Thursday returns to the 12-hour shifts again. This is going to be quite the week or two! I’m exhausted already! – Well. 23.01 and I’m tempted to go to bed but won’t. SB is already in darkness down-stairs… the loss of l’tit’chat is bothering him terribly. Poor guy. Oh the story on that? The cat had made herself a little passage through a basement window, and had been getting in at night to wait for someone to open the kitchen/basement door to let her out. I’d taped the window and screen yesterday, but knew it wasn’t going to be too effective since the wood frame was wet/damp. Well, I learn that Ms. Lady greeted SB at the basement door this morning! He was annoyed and “kicked” her out… Next thing, the landlord came this morning to replace the screens down there with windows. He never stopped up-stairs to say Hello or anything, just finished and left. Suspicions are that he found L’tit’chat in the basement and took her out of here… to parts un-known at this point. Hillary thinks she went to where it was that she was before she got here. Me? I’m in a bit of a quandary over it (though, as I said to SB today: THIS is why I do NOT agree to having pets… the heart-ache involved at times like this! Don’t want it, won’t have it). SB is thinking that Mr. Landlord came and took her. I suggested he phone Mr. Landlord and ask… Once again, advice better blown out the arse-hole. And so… that is how it is at present. No kittie no more. – OK. Now off to do something that will keep me awake but not too stimulating. I wish I had a book! (I have books… in NYC… I need to get them… there… to here.)

Before I close this for the day, I just want to add something: Silas, if you ever read any of this, I want you to know and to understand something: Although I sincerely do not feel like an “equal” in this house, primarily because you let no opportunity pass where you can let me know that I am not, I am only looking out for your best interests in all respects. I remain ready to be “released” or “terminated” from residency here at any given moment. It will come as no surprise to me when that moment comes (and notice that I do not say “if that moment comes”… I know it will). Still, I remain loyal (Funny, that. That’s the word Fran used to describe my relationship with you, and she did so quite a while back.) to you and your best interests. I want to see you succeed here and be Content. But right now it seems you lack a great deal of the true responsibility that goes along with keeping this place up. There is cleaning that you seem to not want to do, vermin control, and various other aspects. You’re very good at referring to this place as “My” and yet, you come, you entertain yourself, you rest, you relax and expect everything to be done for you. My little Friend, Life does not work that way, no matter how you see it. Eventually, like Fran is experiencing now, you too will have to take control of your own… I will not be here to clean your messes… in the house or on your job or other-wise. Perhaps I’ve taken the “Parental” role in this situation, but it is only, in my eyes and heart, for your own good. Be careful… Just be careful. There are people who truly care and you’re just dismissing them… me first of all.

Thu.20Sep: 16.46 I’ve been psyching my-self up for the past couple of days, under the impression that these next few days are going to be impossible but… I just now did the calcs. They’re not exactly “fun” but they’re nothing like I was thinking (was I thinking? HEY! I need to stop that!): Thurs: 20 to 8 Fri, Fri 13.00-15.00 then nothing until Sat 20.00-8.00 Sun. which means tomorrow should be a rather regular day… “regular”… HAH! – OK then. Now on to other things… – Today? Today. It seems that not only has L’tit’chat disappeared but Gus has gone too! It makes me physically sick to think that, had Silas not interfered with their lives by trying to adopt L’tit’chat, they’d be just fine, being the way they were before we arrived. Honestly! And what truly gets into my gut is that he’s already thinking in terms of getting another cat! One that he can keep trapped in the house… one that shits in a box! And of course, that means “We Know Who” will be cleaning THAT on a regular basis… Uh… I don’t think so! Meanwhile, it’s a mystery as to where the other 2 have gone. Silas is convinced that the landlord took them… to the ASPCA. Me? I’d rather believe that, if they WERE taken, it wasn’t to any animal shelter… These are the things that make me want to truly and physically hurt people. – Next note: I had an interview today. And how did THAT go? WELL! The damned pending charges are now PUBLIC RECORD! FUKME FUKME FUKME! As I told Silas… I’m not looking forward to getting hired. But I AM EXTREMELY BITTER AND ANGRY NOW! If nothing else… this negative energy will get me through tomorrow. – It’s 17.10 and I have to be out of here in 2 hours and on to work. Hillary is roaming about and so, the lap-top will have to be returned. I’ll post and get me together and leave. – I’m tired… but I just woke from a 2-hour nap… Not exactly enough, but better than nothing. – Almost forgot: Oh the incense it is a-burning! A reason to be cheerful about getting away (again, the joy of getting away… fukme) and the “children” yelling and banging down-stairs. My work is my respite. (I whine too much.) Well, since there’s no house rules about burning incense, there’s no house rules about cigarettes either, and so, as I will, I smoke in my room (not to make the room smell of cigarettes, but just to have my smoke when I want). – Also, this just in today:

Closing note: Prompt and efficient… the e-mail notification came just before I left for work… NOT HIRED! Bakersfield, St.Albans, Richford. So, Ms.D. of Dazin’ (let us leave this at that) has all but destroyed my employment efforts. There’s nothing much more that I want to say… – 23.08 Made it to work. Ah, the smallest accomplishments have become note-worthy. My “life”. But for that car to even make it out of the drive is major. Now, it WILL make the BTV ROUND-TRIP tomorrow! – And this evening, a brief chat with Motek!!! He rang first. WOW! SOMEbody actually thinks of me… and not in the negative. I’m rather amazed… and thankful. – Right now, Mme. is peaceful. And for that, I’m grateful… for both of us. First, because she’s restful… at last. May she be so through the night. She deserves to be restful. – And I’ve eaten a bit, had my potty break and a smoke. – Working on my notes for tomorrow. I don’t want to leave anything un-discovered at the atty. – 23.38 I can NOT believe! A search for me with middle initial turns up my art, CV to 2008 AND an unemployment claim for being terminated for excessive call-outs and that little moron stark. Shit! Spend your life taking care of and giving care to and caring for others and what is the result? Screwed… and with cement lube! My “nicey” is FINISHED!

Fri.21Sep: (*NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED HERE* This just covers my day. Thank you Anna Sun!)
(I hope this works “cross-browser”.)

Screen falling off the door door hanging off the hinges
My feet are still sore my back is on the fringes
We tore up the walls we slept on couches
We lifted this house we lifted this house

Fire-crackers in the east my car parked south
Your hands on my cheeks your shoulder in my mouth
I was up against the wall on the west mezzanine
We rattle this town we rattle this scene

O, Anna Sun!
O, Anna Sun!

What do you know? this house is falling apart
What can I say? this house is falling apart
We got no money, but we got heart
We’re gonna rattle this ghost town
This house is falling apart

Walk The Moon – Anna Sun

Screen falling off the door door hanging off the hinges
My feet are still sore my back is on the fringes
We were up against the wall on the west mezzanine
We rattle this town we rattle this scene

O, Anna Sun!
O, Anna Sun!

What do you know? this house is falling apart
What can I say? this house is falling apart
We got no money, but we got heart
We’re gonna rattle this ghost town
This house is falling apart

Live my life without
Station wagon rides
Fumbling around the back
Not one seat belt on
Wait for summertime
Coming up for air
Now it’s all a wash
Now it’s all a wash

Live my life without
Coming up for air
Now it’s all a wash
I want everyone
Racing down the hill
I am faster than you
Wait for summertime
Wait for summertime

O, Anna Sun!

2.00 and I just went to SLEEP! Have been trying to figure how to get to BTV and where to park. Hmm… – A lyric. A song. A band on late-night television “this house is falling apart”. I managed to buy it from iTunes. My “house” is falling apart. My “life” is falling apart. -12.57 at the atty. – The night went by and Mme. slept SO soundly through-out. Bless her. I believe I dozed a bit, here and there, on and off. The “team” was Cindy and Amanda again tonight. I like Amanda. Say no more. – Mme. took breakfast well, lots of water. I almost hated to leave her (I’m becoming attached). – Original plan was to drive into BTV and wing the 3 hours before coming to the atty, but an LNA convinced me that an hour’s sleep or rest would be better than trying my plan. (On Sat.22Sep:8.58) So, at 8.00 I headed out of the parking lot and on to the necessities of the day and home to nap. Got to the banque in Enosburgh (I still have to grin when I think about how well I’ve gotten to know this area in such a short period of time). Then went directly to the gas station at home to get much and direly-needed gas! The right front tyre needed a bit o’air and so I added (now, much to my chagrin?) and went directly home, stripped, put on my jammy-sweats and lunged for the covers. 1,5 hours later, up and dressed and back out the door and on the road (again). – It was a HARROWING FRIGHTENING UN-NERVING DRIVE! I DO rather believe that the afore-mentioned WHEEL is about to POP right off the car. I recall having mentioned this to Doug when I first drove the bucket. I do recall it being just a tad-bit difficult to maneuver, driving along on the icy Interstate at 5.00 in the morning from St.A to SoBur. But he insisted that it was “fine”. Well Mr. Doug, IF that wheel comes off and I’m driving along, best to hope that I can simply walk away from it. Other-wise… I will own you. Thank you. Right now, I need the transport… at least through this month. But… on-ward HO! Since I was going through town anyway, I stopped at the JerPO where there was little a-waiting: a note from FS (increased, but not back to max), hearing for the “no license” charge, the receipt for the lettre to Mr.Doug. Well, at least there weren’t any threats. So I journeyed on. – Went directly to the parking garage in BTV, which was full, and I had to sit and wait at the entrance. That garage is a night-mare: there’s no indication that the place is full until one gets stuck at the gate! And there’s no way to back out of it, especially when others come right up behind. So I sat for a moment until I could get in. Found my space at the upper-most part and I was off and walking down 4 flights of stairs. Ah… VT. – Notes on today’s “Discovery”: It was a delight to speak with Marissa. She was frank and candid and refreshing and concerned. She rather agreed with the concept that this entire trial is a gross waste of the State’s money! She took notes on everything and I asked for best/worst scenarios. Best would be to have the entire thing dropped/dismissed. Worst, she feels, would be “probation”. PROBATION! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! But… you know? It all puts me in quite a frame of mind and being… Still, I feel much better having talked with an atty. Now we wait til Wed. The interview lasted about an hour and so, parking was free! FREE I tell you! – As I left, I’d thought about doing a bit of shopping in town, but SO just wanted to get home. – One quick stop before leaving the “Big City”: DMV. I NEED, ABSOLUTELY, to get a VT license BEFORE THIS MONTH IS OUT, so I got the forms to do so. It’s going to cost me another 100$ that I don’t have. But if I don’t? It’s going to cost me more than double that. So? Again, ye olde screwing (get the cement lube). – Drove directly. The original plan was to take the Interstate back and avoid the rather bumpy back-roads. But nope… I prefer the bumpy back-roads and so, I took my sweet-ass time (much to the annoyance of other folks along the way whom I wouldn’t even cordially invite to kiss my bung-hole thank you and have a nice day). – Ah, to be back in this tiny town! It’s nice and comforting to call it “home”. When I arrived, the little “stuff store” on Main was open so I parked the car in the drive and went down to browse. Chatted with the owner and her Mum, got to know the town’s-folk. There are a few things that I could use, but I refrained at the moment with a promise to be back tomorrow. And at about 17.00, I trudged back up the hill to “home” where SB was cooking… more curry! This place is beginning to wreak, as if we’re in a curry ghetto of Delhi! I mean, really! But the curry WAS rather delicious, I must admit. When he puts his mind to it, the boy can cook! As we ate, he rather insisted that I should get some sleep, but I was in “Over-drive” by now and didn’t want to get to bed too early since there’s another over-night coming tomorrow. And oddly, that’s when the whole day began to sink. – To keep busy, I went out-side to do some gardening, listening to the new song… LOUDLY! LOUDLY! LOUDLY! on the iPod. Got the notion that I need some gardening gloves if I’m to continue with this project and decided to head into the dollar store. No seat-belt, didn’t much care. My brain was becoming toast from fatigue and a considerable sprinkling of depression and anger and bitterness. Got my gloves, some needed shampoo, an interesting little rake and some scented candles. (Stuff was on sale! How could I resist?) And then came the down-fall: A quick stop at the booze-o-rama and a small bottle of vodka. Why the fuk not? OK? OK! – Back at the farm, I went back to the gardening until it got too dark to see WTF I was doing and I went inside… to wash dishes! WASH DISHES and have a drink. As I washed dishes I thought (bad, bad, habit that): For the most part, my residence in this old house here is… cleaning up after some-one else. MOST of that time is washing dishes. I don’t eat much or often but there hasn’t been one day since arriving that did not include washing dishes. I reside in one room but do the floors in the entire house, mind the dust, the cob webs, the likes. Indeed, I am the “House-keeping”. One thing I almost forgot to mention is that the boy almost NEVER turns the water OFF when he uses it in the kitchen! And that’s one BIG BIG BIG item that the landlord spoke with me about when I first got here! So… I foresee some trouble down the road. Not that this item is any of my doing (like that means anything… I’ll be buried in blame no matter what… it’s the way it all goes). But, it makes me rather angry. – Let’s let that drop and move right along to the “I got shit-faced, polished-off the bottle, sat like a little Red-neck on the porch, listening to the iPod at un-healthy decibel levels and just didn’t give a flying fuk about it”. Silas came out to chat and I very quietly told him that he’s now witnessing MY way of handling such bitter and HOT ANGER AND RAGE! He says: “You don’t even look like you care, you’re so calm and quiet.” Well, there you have it. It’s so SO bad right now that I don’t even have the human capacity to exhibit any signs of it. That’s it. – When he went back in-side, it left me alone, on the porch, in the breeze… to ponder… I’m with-in walking distance of “HOME”, “HOME!” It’s disgusting that I have to answer to strangers who will ask prodding questions at some mad-made, invisible border when I want to “go HOME”. There’s a car sitting right here that I can’t use to get “HOME”. But I CAN WALK there! I’m CLOSE but not THERE! The entire notion got to me and… tonight… I got to cry some of all of this shit out. Not loudly, not thoroughly, but just enough for the while. I cried tonight. I cried until I became so completely exhausted that I had all to do to get up the stairs to bed. (I wanted to just go in and hug the little shit, but he was already out for the count.) It wasn’t all that late, but I suppose it was time to close this day. – Up-stairs, I stopped at the loo, grabbed the bucket for bed-side (yes, it had turned into one of “THOSE” nights) and got the following onto the iPod before crashing under the covers:
– 21.24 What can I say this house is falling apart: I WANT TO GO HOME! 1,3mi. Silas? Youl’ll never know: My heart and very soul thank you tonight.

Sat.22Sep:9.56 Some-how I woke, on my own, at 7.47 this morning. Yup, not too well today. But there’s an almost-empty vodka bottle in the freezer to account for that. Still, I slept very heavily and soundly last night. And now, the house is still and I just got caught-up with yesterday’s entry. Looking out the window I just noticed that the leaves on the huge maple across the road are turning red, yellow and gold. Autumn is driving into The North Country! I’m rather glad about that. Looking forward to the 21st December, not entertaining any dates there-after at present. – 24.33 at work. Well, for the most part, the day just “went”. Although I did get down to Sue&Rita’s at about 13.00 for 2 small loaf pans and several small terra cotta pots. 2,25$! Now I have to save my pennies for the glass casserole (with lid)… for bread-making. It’d be perfect. – Got back to the house and, as the sky clouded, got into the “gardening”, cleaning them up and weeding-out the window wells. Also got under the back porch to clean out the trash that had been collecting under there for the longest while. I worked round the house… country style. – Meanwhile, IN the house? Maid service… again! And I’m in a terribly ugly mind-set of late: years of helping others, home care, hospice, raising my parents’ children, helping my siblings when they needed, helping Fran, trying my best for PJ, getting SB the job with the PO… always being Mr. Mother-theresa and for WHAT? A goddamned trial? FukkinDoug accusing me if stealing the bloodyfukking car? The goddamned false accusations of assault? WHAT the Fuk? And pulling 12-hour shifts, driving the goddamned bloodyfukking car with bald tyres, in the rain, trying to navigate turns as the damned thing jolts and feels like the wheels are about to pop off. Nope. I mean, I do like this Client dearly… but Bitterness is creeping in and growing like a malignancy. And Hatefulness, Resentment and Anger are developing into a Rage that just feels like a festering pustule. Too bad, for some, I am NOT even contemplating changing. I’m tired, exhausted, fed-right-the-fuk-up. Even the housing seems rotten: Increasingly I get the feeling that SB views the place as “his” and that I rent the room, with kitchen and laundry privileges. Also, it appears to be expected that I’ll wash dishes and clean the floors. This evening, as I was trying to get my “lunch” together, he decided to take over the kitchen to heat something to eat. I’d run the dishwasher (to keep it clean, since it’s seldom used) so I was emptying that, trying to put up dishes (that I’d washed last night… and apparently the maid gets to put them away too) from the dish-rack and get my food together. As it ended, I simply got curt with him, left things as they were, showered, dressed and left for work. –
OH! I got “Chitown Theme” today! Limelight, Sheridan Square. 1975) – Bottom line tonight: BDM in QUE… All of this really isn’t worth it. But being so close to “HOME”… Perhaps this is the “reward”, the Metaphysical “gratitude”… get “close” to HOME but not completely there… still have to work for it (or walk to it), but I’m practically THERE and now… I can go HOME… and stay.

Sun.23Sep: (Yom Kippur at sun-set) 1.44 Mme. has been awake for almost 2 hours, fidgetting. It’s actually a bit of an effort to not be annoyed. Yeah, I’m closing in at the end. “What can I say? This house is falling apart.” – Almost at the “half-way”, 6 hour point! Then home(?) for a nap and… Honestly? Tonight I don’t necessarily look forward to going “there” any more. “Home”? Not so much. – 3.04 at work, food’s gone. Mme. is annoying and 5 more hours to go… and me in no bloody mood. But I got to smoke-break with Mary and as we stood out-side… cow… moo-ing in the near distance. Ah… country. – But mood… just my bloodyfukking mood! – 13.32 at the chateau… after a 2-hour nap and still no improvement on the mood. But, fukkit. – 8.00 finally came and so too, Mme’s daughter. We got into a most wonderful conversation about Mum, in French and about French. It took my edge off for a while. The family keeps saying how very much they appreciate my presence and care. (Yes, and how many times have I heard that? Right. OK. Ben bon.) – The drive back was uneventful but difficult in this morning’s sun. I was wiped-out! Oddly, the skies clouded here, in town. Hmmm… – When I got in at about 8.45 EVERYTHING IN THE KITCHEN WAS EXACTLY IN THE DISARRAY I’D LEFT IT IN… INCLUDING DISHES IN THE DRAIN-BOARD AND THE PAN I’D LEFT ON THE COUNTER-TOP! BUT… CRUMBS ON THE STOVE I’D SCRUBBED AND ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR! BULL-SHIT! I was hungry, planning on making crêpes for breakfast. It immediately made me sick to my stomach. I headed directly for “MY” room. Passing through the living-room, SB at his desk, playing some computer game. Not very talkative. The lap-top on his bed-side table… Again, he’d simply entred “MY” room in my absence! This morning I recalled his outrage at Fran having moved my little closet, moving my belongings about the house, in my absence. Invasion of privacy, he’d found it. “When we have our own place, I’ll NEVER go to ‘your’ room!” Alas, dear, you’ve fukked-up. Unforgiveable and never to be forgotten. It’s the Shelter, and Fran, and other such. It won’t go away. I’ve nothing to hide, but I find this offencive. I didn’t and don’t and won’t speak on it. I’ll suck it up until… One way or another, I’m OUT! Meanwhile, the kitchen will stay as it is, as it will get, and I’m out of THAT as well. It’s “HIS” kitchen and HE will attend to it (or, more likely, NOT). – I came to “MY” room, set an alarm for 10.30 and went directly under the covers, heater on to remove the chill. Woke at 11.30. – I’ve head-ache at present, having gone through my own expenses and the ever-present Executioner date this week. – Tonight, at sun-down: Yom Kippur… atonement… “at one-ment”. Fasting. I wonder, again, have I not atoned already? Am I not about to? Am I not doing so? It’s the one traditional day I observe. But this year, some-how, I feel it ridiculous… yet, still, necessary. Perhaps ’tis time to “grow up” and let things go. Or, perhaps ’tis just time to let “all” things go. Today, again, there’s no end to the tunnel and I’ve grown weary of the forward journey, in search of light and air. Breaths are taken begrudgingly. – 15.12 A thought: When I snapped at SB, he retreated, closed him-self in “his” room. Later, he said “I thought you needed your space.” Oddly, “space” is not what I “need”… rather, I “need” the company and support of some-one whose word I can trust, difficult as that is these days. If I had the particulars available to me right now, I’d go check me in at the Shelter… on 30th Street. – 15.34 I’m off to nap. – 19.54 NO HOT WATER?!?!? WTF? I spent the day to my-self until about 18.00 when I went to the kitchen for my yoghurt, a roll, cream cheese, chips, butter, juice (food intake for the day). Passing through the living-room, Hillary was in visiting, they both saw me, both ignored me… completely. Non-entity (from thr Buddhists who have be-decked the house with bloody prayer cloths). Passing back through, Hillary was leaving and ditto on the non-entity treatment. Well, OK then. I simply came up to my room and ate. – Strolled to the little store for smokes… un-detected, little Mr.’s doors were closed. Fine. Back up-stairs. HOWEVER… the kitchen sink is FULL of dishes, cup-boards open, back door open. I touch nothing from here on. This house will rot. My room will be comfy. The difference will become obvious. I don’t care. – Just now I decided to pour a bath. No hot water! Nice ice cold. I’ve left the cool water in the tub, will wait to see IF the hot water returns. The heater is electric, the lights are working. (Although, there’s no oil for geat and little Mr. has the name and number for the oil man…) Indeed, things are turning “interesting”. And I am, sadly, thinking of leaving this house. There are other rentals in town. – Meanwhile I wait… for hot water, in which to bathe. – It’s gone rather chilly out as well. Heater tonight. I’ll not be inconvenienced by stupidity and tiny ego. I’ve no patience. – Passing thought earlier: I’ll kill me before spending 24 hours in some jail here. – 22.59 Took a shallow, tepid bath. Clean but fukme not relaxed. However, came back to my room, put the heater on and it’s now a toasty 23• in here! The room warms quickly with the little heater. Good to know. – Twitted on the “Homeless” account for a bit. Got RTed and had a chat. Good memories time. Remembered the “Bellevue” crew by name. Imagine, the ONLY people I can think of and actually worry about and miss: Guys from the Shelter. Yes, I miss them. I miss people I can Trust. – I’m going to sleep now. The true FukMeRaw Week begins… court. And the BDM is at bed-side, with-in reach.

Mon.24Sep: 7.38 NY breakfast (kwawfee n cigarette). It is the day of “Atonement”. I “atone”. No doubt, in 3 days I shall “atone”. I wake each morning “atoning”. – I woke this morning, on my own, in darkness. I fell back into sleep. I woke again, on my own, just past 7.00. I am awake. I ask “Why?”. And my very cellular structure
trembles this morning. “Fight or flight”.
– DREAM: I don’t recall all but… It was in 3rd person. I was in BTV for an appointment. Dressed biz-casual. On the street, sunny day. Anxious. Uncomfortable about being in town. In a small, BTV “crowd”, J.San with Andrea! She saw me, called, nastily “What the fuk are you doing here? You have fukking nerve!” I ignored her and headed into a shopping mall (BTV Centre?). across the street, headed for the car in a parking garage. In the mall, tunnels where stores used to be. Mostly abandoned. I got lost, didn’t know where I was or where I was going. (It resembled the under-ground passages in Mtl when, years ago, Simpson’s had closed and I was thrown off, felt terribly uncomfortable and sad because it drove the fact that Anglo businesses were being forced out of Mtl.) I walked briskly, looking for the car. I couldn’t find it. (Suddenly…) In the car, driving to get out of town quickly, the car sputtering, almost stalling, the brakes not working, I see her, following me. Her windows are open. She’s yelling: “Come back here! You think you’re gonna just get away from here THAT easily?!” I try to keep going. Red light! I leave the car, briskly walk through traffic. I don’t know where I should go. I don’t live in VT any more. I have to get to NY! I HAVE to just get across the state line! I have to walk there! … I wake out of this dream. –
I see tonight and tomorrow night are going to be like this. Not good. I have to pay storage and phone. I MUST get a VT license! I MUST pay my part of rent and electric! I won’t have enough until the 6th. I need a car! I need a vehicle BEFORE Winter! – Welcome to a new day. – Things to accomplish: laundry, mine; need food; need to get a change addresse for Jericho. What I will NOT do: clean the house. Up-stairs, yes… down-stairs, NOT. – 8.32 Just up from down-stairs: dryer running, kitchen sink FULL of dishes. Bugger it. – 15.14 THREE MORE POSTAL REJECTIONS JUST CAME IN!!!! THREE!!! THAT’S SIX TOTAL!!! – 15.48 Just completed a “survey” asking for my opinion on my experience with inquiring about employment at USPS! And just after trying the telephone numbers they provided (1st one referred, via recorded message, to another nr. that just offered “Enter or say” for things I don’t need) and wasting time. Timing! – Anyway, here we go: I’ve managed to manage the general mess in my room and damp-dust the floors up-stairs. I did my little bit of wash: took his wet clothes out of washer, put mine in, took his dry clothes out of the dryer, put mine in, put his wet clothes back in the washer, dried my clothes then took them out, put his dry clothes back in the dryer. Meanwhile, he came in, put his wet clothes into the dryer and sent me a text “Are you alright?” I replied “No not really but not worth mentioning”. Reply “I’m always here if you need me :)” Oh please! I’m cleaning and organising in a “I need to get the fuk out of and away from here” mode. Yes, you’re “here if” I “need” exactly like the others who have been here/there. Right. Oh yup. Yoo-oo-oobetcha. Please kindly eat shit and die thank you and have a nice day. – Tomorrow… I took an 8-hour… in Shitbin. Meaning: ON THE ROAD BY 5.00. So! Out of the house (here we go again with the “out of the house” reason) again. The commute is 4 hours total. Maybe the car will careen en route, saving me time, effort and trouble. (Ah, no such good fortune.) – Well-but, I made it to the local PO this morning to pay my insurance premium for Oct. and to file change/forward from Fran’s to the 76 POB. So I suppose I’ve done OK with this day. Doesn’t change my mood, but… – Received an e-mail from PJ too. Sweetheart guy. I do worry about him, but I’m glad to know he’s gotten his ed.aid. I just hope for his success. – 19.00 Shaved, trimmed, teeth brushed. A coffee. Must get gas, make tomorrow’s travel coffee. Wish I had something to eat. Nothing today. Nothing tomorrow. Wednesday? Probably not. Not until the 1st of Oct. Oh well. Not like it’s the first time. – 19.29 It really is amazing, but I went out, got gas (30$… from the rent) and am back; and I walked down the stairs, through the living-room, out the door, drove (reverse) out the drive, drove back in the drive (forward), walked in the door, up the stairs… un-noticed, un-heard, un-detected. Hmm… good thing I’m not here to rob the place. – I don’t know if I word things incorrectly or people don’t actually read but, e-mail from PJ: “glad you’re doing better or OK”. I’m doing neither. Honestly. But y’know? I just haven’t the capacity to care anymore. – Wow, almost time to try for sleep here. Another day… shot right the fukall to hell. Charming. – 21.38 OK, I bottomed. I couldn’t get to sleep from thinking: chances are, the cv’s shot on the car, no oil change… and the commute will be almost 140miles. Wednesday is no “Sorry but I can’t make it so let’s do re-sched.” I called-out. I’m sick (sicker) over it. But, if I don’t make court: a bench warrant. A bench warrant: certain arrest. Shit is bad enough right now, no call for making it worse. Even with a dire need of income. And, bench warrant means NO employment! So? Hopefully this was a good decision. – Meanwhile… there’s a BUS from St.A to BTV! 4$ each way! 7.30 bus gets me into town with plenty of time to get to the office! A 45min drive and I don’t have to think about vehicular antics. Too bad I tossed all that money into the tank already. But it won’t go to waste. I’m prepared for Thursday night’s work. Hopefully I can make the return bus in the evening. If not, it’s going to be a VERY LONG WALK back… 60miles (at my pace of 5mi/hr I could be “home” by 6.00am). Last bus out is 17.30. We shall, indeed, see how it goes. – Now, my REAL MAJOR concern for Wednesday: The court info is on-line. I trust that Fran’s made it public info that I have a court date and on what day, and at what time. Gee, it won’t come as a shock if, let’s say, Duggy is in attendance. And with his “Social Graces”, no doubt, will make some kind of SERIOUSLY MAJOR spectacle. (Perhaps the recent dream is premonitory.) Even if I don’t drive into town, I certainly don’t need HIS hillbilly antics. Ah… if only I could manage a psychotic split between now and then. My PTSD should be allowing for that but it seems I’m “recovered” (oh how butt-fukking jolly). Well, let’s hope for a snap on Wednesday; shall we? – And, presently, I’m intensely hungry. I’d intended to make pancakes or crêpes today but seeing that kitchen put me off of cooking… and eating. Seeing that it’s still the same at 19.00 put me off all the more. But by tomorrow, I’m going to MUST figure a way to eat something. Again, we shall see. For tonight, I go to bed quite hungry. Nothing new, odd, unusual, novel. – OH! I see by my calendar: Yom Kippur begins TOMORROW night and goes through WEDNESDAY… Court on THE MOST important day of the Jewish calendar! How’s THAT for anti-Semitism? – 22.04 Mr.Boss is still stirring in his chambre, on-line, playing computer games, no doubt, clueless. The kitchen’s probably still a wreck. I’ve got the heater on and finally brought the temperature up above the 18• it was. And on that, I’ll post this to the “Remote” page and hopefully get to transfer it tomorrow at the library. – BDM at bed-side, and HOME 1,3miles away. “Life” is OK.

Since I have been advised by Counsel that I am NOT to “talk about the case”, and yet, I insist upon journalling, the next month’s journalling must be kept under password. Hopefully they won’t come up on a search.

Tue.25Sep: 7.46 It was/is difficult getting out of bed this morning. Aside from being awake until 2.00 (anxieties in general), indeed, I’m feeling the not-eatings. This mornimg, when I have “his” house to “my” self, I’ll slap together some crêpes using “my” flour and “my” eggs and “my” butter and “MY” maple syrup. Honestly? I see the immaturity in this (on “my” part) but it’s not a simple matter of possession any more. It puts me in a position of constantly feeling that I can be tossed out… because of a bad mood, a new piece of fluff/phantasy, or just because. Yes, tomorrow puts me here for 30 days. But, as I’ve learned in my old age: 30 days hath September and 850 beds hath the Shelter and your arse can be in any one of them no matter what. – 8.00 le p’tit Maître is gone. (NB: NOT “mon” p’tit Maître.) Giving 30 mins. and I’ll venture down, down, down to the kitchen. I dread what I’m probably going to confront. – Oh, I need to find prices on heating oil today and see if I can’t get somebody to deliver. I’ve only got about 100$ to spare (rent money… but it’s going into the house and I’ll get a receipt). But the out-side temperature now is only 8. This is becoming brutally stupid. There’s only 1/8 tank and the house is COLD! -9.40 And I’ve eaten… 5 crêpes, a touch doughy but… with syrup. HOW-ever, I went down-stairs to find the window blinds on the kitchen floor AND the landlord & nephew at the window… IN the kitchen. Landlord says (after being startled) “Didn’t they tell you I was coming to put in storm windows today?” OK Mr. Silas! Fukme! Eh? Then Mr. Landlord says: “You’ve lived up here in Winter; right?” “Has HE ever lived here in Winter?” Seems they had a chat on Sunday… about heating the house. Mr. Landlord says he tried to talk to him about keeping the plumbing from freezing but he got the impression that our p’tit Maître didn’t want to understand. (Can you imagine?Oh my. Maudit!) I made it abundantly clear that I’ve spoken to him on the matter AND about leaving food and such about. (That’s all I’m going to do or say. No “toe-treading” here. Mr. Landlord rented to Mr. Silas… not both, as was originally planned.) So, I went about cooking, they went about the windows. We chatted about REAL Winters. We chuckled. They left. I ate… in my room. I washed and put up the dishes I used. And now? OMG! The runs begin! But, there’s SOMEthing in my stomach to replace the loss. – I’ll ring the recommended oil man and see if he wouldn’t mind dumping a few gallons into the house tank today… then arrange for more come MY next pay-day. I’ll pay rent… via heating oil… with receipts and, hopefully, an account in MY name. I will NOT freeze on account of pompous stupidity! – 10.21 Done. Oil to be delivered on the 7th. Account in MY name. If I had 40$ more to “my” name, we’d have oil today. Text to le p’tit Maître to tell. Reply “Nice thanks man ;)” Right. – Now to find 40$. – 20.00 Another day is gone. Not a boring nor uneventful day. And tonight, the last night before the major fiasco. I’ve eaten, 2 greasy burgers. I’ll be sorry for that tomorrow (I ate after sun-set on Yom Kippur and tomorrow my system should be sufficiently twisted with anxiety that I should, in all liklihood, shit my britches full. – I wanted to print the declinations from the 5 jobs that tutned me away. I wanted to print definitions of “embezzlement” and “larceny”. I depended on the information given to me from the local library to be correct. I walked over… information incorrect… closed! But, interestingly, as is “me”, I investigated the next town and a telephone call revealed… OPEN! OK! 10miles away, but… (I must toil to attain my goals.) – On my way out, the confrontation with the clueless. And, he truly is… I keep forgetting he’s Californian. Anyway, it ocurred to me that, in the greater scheme of things, our discrepancies are negligible at present and that trying to explain, understandably, would only prove futile. I skirted issues ither than heat, and even then, after I’d said, for the second time today that I’d established an account, he (SB) said he’d take care of it! I l let it go with: it’s already done. “I’ve got you for half.” says he. “It’s half the rent.” said I. “You shouldn’t pay all of the utilities.” says he. Says I “I have that ine thing covered so you don’t have to think about it and it covers my half of the rent.” Ge doesn’t get the point. I’m not surprised. – Next on the agenda was the discussion of his discussions with the landlord, at which point I brought in my discussions with the landlord. It brought that discussion to a close. – It WAS said that THE most concerning fact of the past few days was that I didn’t wash the dishes. My reply: “I figured; I didn’t cook, I didn’t eat, I’m not washing the dishes.” Silence. Little does he realise, it remains that way from now forward. – Next, Hillary and her usual “I live here” grand entrance and a chuckling, yet serious, I’m certain, statement that she will be spending much time HERE over Winter because HERE will have (free) heat. I’m not sure why but I do believe she caught my dismay because she said, to me “You’re sick of seeing me here.” I didn’t reply. Why bother? – At 17.30 I headed out tp the Ensbrg library which I found with-out trouble snd MUST say, is BEAUTIFUL! I got a computer immediately and dug through e-mails to find the “rejection” notices. It took over an hour but I got them and printed them for evidence of damage for tomorrow’s trial. Additionally, I printed the State definitions and statutes concerning embezzlemen and larceny. It’s not that I don’t trust the attorney.. I truly don’t trust ANYone at this juncture:

*I am accustomed to and familiar with INjustice. I am a stranger and have had precious little experience with Justice.*

At about 19.15 I was back on the road to return, feeling better prepared and yet, more apprehensive. – The car is parked, face-forward, ready to leave. – I came in, popped the 2 frozen burgers in the microwave. SB came into the kitchen. “The one thing that really got to me these days is that I know you’re depressed and you have every right to be! But you’re sleeping with a BellaDonna cocktail right there on the stand next to your bed! I wondered if I should check for strange smells coming fromyour room.” I assured: That is not intended to be enjoyed on THIS side of the border. The matter rested. – I began eating, He mentioned that he’s coming down with “Hillary’s cold.” Wanted a hug, wished me luck tomorrow. He also volunteered to fetch me in BTV tomorrow should I miss the last bus back. Kind. – It’s 20.42. I need to get some sleep. Out of here by 6.00 tomorrow… a very long and trying day ahead. I’m exhausted, anxious, almost psychotic. Here’s hoping that NOBODY else shows at the trial tomorrow… NOBODY for ANY reason!!! – It is Yom Kippur.

Wed.26Sep: COURT 5.11 After a night of muscle cramps in the right calf and foit, finalky got to sleep, must have been about 23.00. Odd, woke this morning at 4.02, but laid in bed until about 4.39. A quick check of weather: rain. Lovely. It’s Yom Kippur. Hmm… – Stomach? Woohoo! Churnning, gurggling. This is going to prove interesting just on that alone. – But I did figure what to do/where to go between appointmrnts today: library. Thank goodness for libraries… and my past experience of being Homeless and almost-Homeless. I can find shelter from the elements. – Well, tume to shower and get on the road. Today’s big adventure is “Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt”. If anybody in this State knew what the previous months had been like, and what the current times are, it wouldn’t even be at this point. – I keep asking, quietly, “Why?”. I mustn’t ask. There’s no answer to that. Still, the only thing I’ve ever striven for is a peaceful existence. The one, major thing I’ve ever been denied, from conception through now is a peaceful existence. I’m not the only one, I know. Still, that doesn’t make any of this any easier. – Today is a new learning experience. Perhaps in preparation for even tougher times ahead. Today is Fate’s, and the World’s way of kicking ME in the face, telling me that it’s my time to kick Fate and the World back, to go for those things I’ve spent my life-time letting Creation take care of. – That said, with bowels churning… to the shower and out… into the rain! – 11.15 Starbucks at BTV Town Centre and this iPod is starting to give me shit with dropped lettres and such. Technology! But I made it, no rain and I’m a little amazed. The drive to St.A went well enough but in St.A there’s a Park/Ride (where the bus doesn’t stop) and a sports complex (where the bus does stop) and the schedule indicates a Park/Ride at the complex. I drove past the Park/Ride because it didn’t have a name, nor was it where the bus map indicated. I drove into Fairfax, looking for some place or some sign! After a mile or 2 of nothing, I turned round. I pulled into the Park/Ride, asked a woman there if the bus stops here. She didn’t know but thought not. Said to go to the Hoozitzfukface Sports complex down the road. OK. So there, to Hoozitzfukface I drove. Asked a woman if THAT’S where the bus stops. Surprise! She didn’t know! Fukkit. Fukthem. I tried phoning CCTA: closed until 8.00. So I just waited… Still, after the Park/Ride and Fairfax, I made it! – The bus is truly the way to travel. Shame there aren’t more I snoozed all the way (30 minutes or so). Arrived BTV at about 8.30 and got the 8.45 Shitbin bus. Got to HISC AT 9.00. Had to wait for a bit, but got my review with Abby. It was “good”, it was “not-so-good”. Many compliments on my efforts… and, as usual… complaints: first and foremost was Carolyn’s bitch about the night I got to the new client in St.A. and, because I’d been there waiting for her, I’d had a smoke, but got out of the car too soon there-after. I still had the odour about me. She bitched to me that evening and then reported it as “Some clients have complained…”. The next was Karin who complained that I didn’t pay enough attention at “Intro”. That was my fellow from Brooklyn. Oddly, as I told Abby, his daughter dismissed Karin, telling her to go to the house as we walked. Oh well. Always good to know who the back-stabbers are. – Well, that went well enough and I didn’t get the polo shirt or anything. But that’s not important. All things will be re-dressed. – Since I got out of that early… too early, I took a stroll… to Goodwill! A fave spot in that hell-hole county. Believe it or not, I walked out with nothing! No shopping! Imagine me! – Then, to the bus into BTV. A quick stop at the Jolley Mobile. I needed coffee… I really needed something to EAT! So I get in, pour my coffee into a doubled paper cup so as not to burn my fingers and when I tried to put the lid on the cup, the phone: SB (as if I wanted to talk with him at this point, but I took the call). So, I tried to put the lid on the cup and it wouldn’t fit, so I took a different lid, which did fit. I get to the register and the nasty bitch starts “You know you have 2 lids.” I told her the ones indicated didn’t fit properly. She continued to nag about the lids until finally I just said that I didn’t need the shit (coffee and a wrapped danish) and walked out, leaving all on the counter. Had it been else-where in VT, chances are I would have been more friendly, but in Chittenden (ShitOnDem)? Not any longer. Nope. Not here. “Not ALL Vermonters are nice people.” Fukkem! I got the bus into town. – Still early enough, I actually stopped at Starbucks for coffee, sat at a “window”, alone, looking into the Burlington Town Center mall and remembering the days of meeting PJ here… almost a year ago. (16.46 on the bus back… NORTH!) And today, there are no connexions, and precious little that I can say: I enjoy about this town. Truly? The county makes me sick. The ONLY thing this area has is: Champlain Adirondacks. Period. That said, coffee finished, wandered to Phoenix Books to learn they’re ovet-priced, then to the court-house and arrived at about noon… and the place was empty! I waited… until 13.25 when I got to listen to “my attorney” tell me my 3 choices: 1.Let the State make an offer, 2. Plea-bargain, 3.Go to trial-by-jury. WTF? NO to nrs. 1&2. SO! New fukking date… in a month! Meanwhile the charge stays. Meaning: NO JOB APPLICATIONS for ANOTHER MONTH! Screwed again. How-ever, a fact: the State has the burden of proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I *INTENDED* conversion! OH! AND? To-date, nobody knows where the money is!!! The cash I handed to the police officer, AND it isn’t mentioned in his statement! Mysterious shit, this. – But how-ever and THANK YOU… no “visitors” (Franny or Douggie or Who-the-Fux). And now, at 17.00 I’m on a bus (“FeltcherBallin Hosp”) heading BACK NORTH! AWAY! – Hungry. Exceedingly hungry. Tired. Exceedingly tired. Listening to “Moon Walk”. – Oh, after the judicial fiasco: With 2 hours to waste and “enjoy” (Fukme!), I browsed: Homeport, Macy’s, Crow Books. At Crow, bout Annie Proulx: Brokeback Anthology (as I call it) I have it already, in NYC, but I need some-where to escape to… a book. – 17.25 On the “Innerstate”, Georgia or so… the bus has WiFi! – (Thursday 27Sep: 17.19) SO much to add here, but no time. Will do so tonight… at work.

Thu.27Sep: (2.25 on Fri.28Sep. at work) Amazingly, I woke this morning at 7.00. No alarms. Since Silas had loaned me the lap-top last night (Hillary being gone, per usual, for the week-end), I got into e-mails, music searches and such. It took me through the entire day! – At one point it got so cold in the house that I wrnt down-stairs to check the thermostat: It was set back to 60• from the 70• it was set for overnight. Silas had agreed to leave it at 70 for a day so we could monitor the oil usage. Well, so much for that. Last night he was set on buying a pellet stove… convinced by his co-workers. Wants to put it in the living-room! This, after I told him I arranged for heating oil. So, he gets up to turn the thermostat down again? I kicked the heat up for a moment, went to the basement to check the tank: negligible. I was going to leave the thermostat on 70 but decided not to. So I came back up-stairs to drop it down again. Unfortunately, when I closed the basement door, the door-handle dropped off! I simply put it on the shelf over the washer. I don’t much care. – Went back to “the” (not “my”) room to finish what I was involved with. – The day paased into the after-noon. I hadn’t noticed until Silas csme up, bearing a Klondike Bar. It was the first thing I’d eaten since shoving something down my throat last night when I walked in the door (chicken patties). (And just the night before last I got violently dizzy sitting on a chair looking at Silas’ computer… truly, violently light-headed, nauseous, frighteningly so.) OK… the day was over, I’d gotten much music: Janis Ian, Beau Dommage, Faith Hope and Charity, Odessy and MORE! By the time I’d converted and loaded the music it was just barely enough time to slap my “dinner” together (2 peanut butter creme cheese sandwiches and 2 chicken patties). So I rushed along, shower, dress, out the door! Left a sink full of dirty dishes and Mr. Lease-Holder laughing and chatting on VOIP behind. -It was a remarkably calm drive into work. I actually shed my NY and went VT: rang PJ and chatted for a bit. I do miss him here, and trips into BTV put his absence in the fore-front of late, especially as it closes in on the year. To think, last year, this time, I was E4. Tonight I’m pondering a return. Well… -I got in to work, began to settle in for the night, Mme. was most conversational, though limited, but we “conversed”! Mostly in French, but it was up-lifting. I even got a SMILE from her! And then, as no good deed goes un-punished, the phone texts… – I’d sent SB a break-down of how/why my oil contribution, being the equivalent of my rent payment could/should be accepted as my payment. The messages follow:
21.58-Me: Before you go to sleep pls check your e-mail. I hope it explains. It’s just basic balancing. We can talk about it when I get back tomorrow.
-22.03:-SB: Basically boosted our expenses to 630 a mo for rent, oil and utilities. I’m trying to budget to see if I can swing this, cuz right now I was lucky to get three pay checks this month.

22.11-Me: That’s ONLY THIS MONTH! Initial out-lay for fux sake. Then you budget accordingly.
-22:05-SB: I’m kinda ticked because I’m still waiting to be boosted to an RCA, which would make my life easier.
22.14-Me: Hello? If this 1st month is already bothering you so badly maybe The North Country isn’t a place to call “home”.
22.17-Me: Or if you don’t have the patience to “settle in” maybe leaving your Num’s was too soon.
-22:18-SB: Seriously?
22.21-Me: As for jobs: Me working Rchfrd, Birk, at PO wd be gr8. Now I CAN’T go ANYwhere else until this court shit is done not even bsck to NY.
22.23-Me: If I miss the trial a warrant goes out for my arrest.
-22:23-SB: I’m getting worked up. I’m not some money grubbing asshole.
22.27-Me: Who even implied anything of the sort? Y’know? FUCK ME FOR GIVING A BLOODFUCKING SHIT! Thanx for thr Reality check.
22:28-Me: Having another bad nite here. Turning fone off.
-22:28-SB: Not sure why you’re taking this out on me.
-22:32-SB: This completely blind sided me. You paid the utilities, that’s all you owe. We’ll leave it at that. I’ll take care of the rest. Gnight.
22.37-Me: You’ve made me very happy that you chose not to have my name on the lease. Reality check nr.2. Wow.
-22:38-SB: Read my email when it comes through.
-22:48-SB: This has completely blind sided me.
-22:55-SB: Not sure how throwing personal stuff at me was not going to hurt me, but whatever. Fuck me for getting this place. But I’m here. And I’ll make it work.
-23:02-SB: I’m done talking about this. Do as you will. Gnight.
-00:35-SB: You’ve managed to completely fuck me over
-00.37-SB: You’re gonna ditch out I can already see it. There was not even a glimmer of a chance this entire time. And I’m the biggest puts
00:38-Me :I don’t have internet tonight, don’t knowwhere uou sent your email to and i’m trying to keep my job here.
-00:41-SB: I’m just watching it fall apart.
-O0:41-SB: I can’t fucking write it
00:41-Me: Oh get fucking Hillary to move in with you. That was probably what you wanted from the onset.
-00:43-SB: It’s just done
O0:45-Me: I tried to help, do what I can, put in these shifts, put my shit aside, keep peace w YOUR landlord. Fukkit.
00:46-Me: Yes, it is.
-00:49-SB: Then why am I the enemy? Or the idiot? Why are you so angry with me?
-00:49-SB: I don’t get it
-00:50-SB: And make peace? There’s no war
-00:51-SB: If you didn’t want to be here, why say you wanted to move in?
00:52-Me: I’m not angry. That’s YOUR take and construct. I believe it’s called “projection”.
-00:53-Sb: Shit I’m just naive
00:56-Me: I happen to Love the North Country. I have beautiful history here. Fond memories. Peaceful happy memories. 30 years.
-00:58-SB: Memories, that’s it.
00:58-Me: You’re not naive… You choose what you want to hear and fuck the rest.
01:00-Me: You’re 32 not 12. And I’m not your Mommie.
-01:02-SB: I do dishes, you get pissy that I’m doing them. I leave them, you leave them. Don’t know what you’re on about.
01:02-Me: See? You even read what suits you.
-01:03-SB: I need your share of rent and utilities, you say I moved out prematurely
01:04 I have HISTORY in this North Country. And I love it up here.
-01:06-SB: Then be up here
01:07-Me: I’ll cover what I owe you & be out of your house ASAP. Write down what I owe you.
-01:08-SB: No. I made you a promise. I’ll cut you a check for 400.
01:09-Me: I’ve every plan on staying up North but not in this kind of environment.
-01:09-SB: You stay as long as you need. That was my promise.
-01:09-SB: And I will not go back on it.
-01:10-SB: If you’re not happy with me then don’t be here with me. Simple as that.
01:11-Me: I don’t stay where I’m not wanted Fran.
01:15-Me: Go play house with Hillary. I need to keep my job. Wipe your cum-dump with your 400$ cheque.
01:16-Me: If you’re not happy with me then don’t be here with me. Simple as that. -> Yup it is.

Fri.28Sep: 2.26 It’s been quite the night. Mme. is not feeling well, most uncomfortable. A bit restless. I’m feeling just drained and sitting here, exhausted, thinking about where I’ll move to now, how I’ll manage with-out a vehicle, and trying to figure how to avoid going back to the Shelter in NYC. A court case on Wednesday. Another, even larger court case on the 24th of Oct. THAT one I MUST appear for or have a bench warrant issued. I’ve tried to make this all work. – Oh shit! Just realised: the grand court date is my 1-Year Anniversary of coming to Vermont! First date was my birthday. Second date was Joyce’s birthday. Third date, my anniversary. Let’s see, next… Viv’s birthday? Parents’ wedding anniversary? I wonder. – Now to try and catch up with this Journal… to stay awake at least. – (on Sat.29Sep: 3.18) OK! So, this morning at 8.00, my eyes wouldn’t focus. The drive to the house was almost painful between fatigue and burning eyes, hazy vision. But, I made it… and on arrival? Roofers, working right at my bedroom window! I wanted to cry! But they were kind, let me get into the drive and, by the time I got up to the room, they were gone. And I went directly to bed, after setting about 4 alarms. – When I woke:
“Consider this your 30 day notice. 9/28/2012 – 10/26/2012″
Well, well, well. Once again, I try, I think of somebody else, my own expenses of storage and phone will be over-due, I’ll go with-out phone fir a month, there’ll be heat in a house I won’t be living in. But I git a 30-day notice. And HOME is a 20 minute walk away. And the BDM comes off the bed-side and back into the back-pack. – Today I wanted PJ to know what his broken promises have resulted in. I sent him copies of the e-mails from SB. I begged, pleaded with him to phone SB directly. Why? Because I’m fed-up with people’s misunderstandings of me, misconceptions of me. Just fed up and damned tired. PJ promised to help me. I promised to help SB based on PJ’s promise. One promised turned to shit. My promise, when made, was sincere. I wanted that to be known AND I wanted SB to hear, directly, why my promise fell through. I’m in “Super Check-The-Fuk-OUT” mode now. This, today… added to all the rest… the BDM comes with me from here on. First good opportunity… HOME TO STAY. – Then I see SB and the landlord moving some really trashed old chairs from a truck. Hideous stuff… BANG! Into the house. I’m being told, passively, I need to go. I let it pass. I’m not getting involved any longer. I’m going HOME… soon. Maybe for Thanksgiving… I can be thankful this year. Meanwhile the e-mails of BEGGING for nothing more than a phone call of intervention. I’ve NEVER begged so much (and still, I’m not certain why I did today) for ANYthing! And all I asked for? Just tell SB that I didn’t lie to him. That’s all. And the e-mails flew: ‘I will call… give me a moment’ and ‘I want you out’ and ‘I’ll call when…’ and ‘Go! Get out!’ and… I’m at THE END. OK? THE END. – Well… it got to be 18.00. I headed to the bath, especially since I was instructed to “stay the fuck away from me”. It was an uncomfortable bath and now, feeling such a hatred in the air… and then:
“18:22 I appreciate your words. I’m not hateful, or vengeful, or vindictive…” the change began. I still don’t know if before or after a PJ intervention but it began. Communications opened in the house.
“…I couldn’t hurt you… I just couldn’t. Sad… you’ll never know… not really.” And as I composed and sent, I cried. He’s a Friend, Comrade, and probably Avi… maybe he really is. And I Care… too much. – Then, just before I was out of the room, SB came up. And I trembled as I hugged him tonight. As if saying Good-bye to a Lover at the train. We talked. He doesn’t trust me any more or less than I trust him. He’s in financial shit. Most of his shit is his own fault: eating at expensive places, taking his lays to costly places, living a Heffner life… but, maybe ( or maybe not) this will slap sense into him before it goes any further. Still, it kills me to see him unhappy. He’s sweet… and kind… it’s a shame. – ”21.10 Talking to Silas now and things are cool…” from PJ. Yes, indeed. “Cool”. – I offered to help SB as long as I’m in the house. Told him how I’ve been looking forward to making it through the coming Winter and sitting on the porch, laughing at these difficult days. And I left it up to him: accept my offer to help or not. (No matter what, I’ll be back HOME soon.) – I left late, drove rather like the car could handle it, arrived 20 mins late. But the night began… and me with nothing to eat all night. – This evening came: “So do me a favor, decide how much you want this, and if you really want it go balls in and don’t be afraid.” No, I’m not “afraid” any longer. I’m happier than all Heaven that we got the chance to work and talk this out. And with 2 court cases coming, it’s a relief to know I don’t have to seek shelter… in NYC.

Sat.29Sep: 3.18 and Mme. will NOT sleep! And maybe it’s my own fatigue, or lack of food, or just generally, but this morning it’s bugging the shit out of me! – 5.19 Night’s almost over, Mme. is only NOW calming down. Another night of agitation. And I keep dozing and … I need sleep! I’m hallucinating now. Interesting drive coming this morning. – Almost forgot to mention: the daughter of one of my BTv clients came by last night. She’s a Nurse here. She recognised me, as I sat in the dark. Came into the room, sat and told me that her Dad had died. She thanked me for helping him and the family. Of interest? This was the Client whose other daughter accused me if neglecting the father and her brother sent an e-mail to the office, demanding my termination! Life is sometimes strange and sometimes just plain fukkedup. – 22.17 Ah… work… again. 3rd night shift but my “weekly hours” will be done. – The drive this morning was almost Hell. My eyes were gritty and focus was very blurred. But I managed to get to the Shell in Enosburg for smokes and to the house. Immediately in, began to make crêpes but because of fatigue, they were more like pancakes. I was SO hungry I ate them anyway. AND… a bloody sink-full of dirty, crusty dishes got washed. It annoys me simply because I wash dishes and SB sits at the computer, playing games. Irresponsible. – By 10.00 I was in bed. It amazes me how and that I fall asleep so quickly… in day-light. Perhaps it’s the conditioning from the Fran days, sleeping in parks and such. Perhaps it’s just painful, utter collapse. But I sleep, deeply, for 5 hours, and I wake, with-out alarms. – Today, SB and I had some good conversation. It’s frightening, how alike we are. He with-draws, won’t confront, tends away from open dialogue for fear of offending. Yet, and perhaps it’s age, but in SO many aspects, he’s impetuous, spontaneous, and sometimes immature and childish. It makes me a bit nervous because I wonder how “stable” my housing is, with only his name on the lease. I keep in mind: I need to ensure that I’ll be able to take full responsibility for all… and probably soon… just in case. However, we discussed, openly, our expenses and such, got all into the open, reached a wonderful understanding. It was good. – He’s still bent on renting the room… to pay his bills more than anything else. He’s put an advert on Crgzlst. Avail on 1 Oct at 500. (22.49 I saw the advert. Too much info and bad photos of the room. Hopefully people won’t start showing at the door! Or break in. See? Rather immature.) – But, I have learned that a written rental agreement for me is now essential snd necessary. I’ve also learned that, from now on, nothing can be implied, inferred… straight on, open, full disclosure. He doesn’t grasp inuendo, or a simple mention. ALL must be clearly laid out. – Well, it is what it is for as long as it is. It is not forever. Sadly… it is not forever… it is not even for years (plural). I can’t go on longer, with the insecurities of having to depend on tantrum-throwing. BDM in back-pack again, always. I’m tired. – And tonight’s work: For some reason, actually, I think my body has adjusted to this shift. Not as strenuous as in the beginning. But I AM HUNGRY and have NOTHING to eat. More cooking in the morning (more crêpes… it’s all I have and all I can afford right now). – 23.05Mme is beginning her nightly “Yes. Yes.” The agitation commences… I want to shoot my-self! I do, so much, like her. But I’m tired tonight. Last night was miserable until about 5.00. I’m exhausted from then. – The BTV Client’s daughter stopped by on her way out tonight, friendly and such. I still can’t quite get over it. I wonder if she knows about her sister and brother’s attempts at getting me fired. It angers me… but only a slight bit.

Sun.30Sep: 0.22 It’s becoming ANOTHER agitated night! I’m hungry as all Hell. No BM for almost 3 days now: Of course, because I’m not eating because of stress and depression. So now, it’s just gas passing, bloating, rather painful. These days are living Hell. But no one knows. No one knows. The fatigue, hunger, blurred vision, chest pains, dizzy spells. Uncertainty about so much. But I come to work, do my very best, always, and “put on a happy face”. I am burning-out. – 2.11 Just in from a smoke break. Out-side, a fog… wet fog. It glistens on the hedges. And it muffles all sound so that there’s a dead silence. 2am, Sunday morning. No traffic. Just… silence… silence. It’s beautiful, in a strange way. And in this room, quiet. Mme. is sleeping. That does my heart good. She’s resting at this hour. Tonight she’ll get much-needed rest. Tonight’s Nursing team is THE BEST. They care. – Meanwhile, tonight I availed of the kind offer to “rummage” the fridge: 2 ice creams and 2 puddings. FOOD! That too, does me good. But I’m so tired I’m wearing 2 sweat-shirts… one is the black one I’d loaned PJ. Imagine, it was almost a year ago. A year. So much is so different now. – And each time I step out of here, I check for the car, expecting it to be gone, expecting Dg ir troopers or… to have taken it. Part of the depression. Knowing that the pending court case prohibits me from getting ANY other work is oppressive and depressing. Right now my entire life is being fukked because of some over-self-medicated piece of shit. I hope she’s proud of herself. I hope her employer is proud of her. I look forward to the day when I can hit the Social Media with the particulars. What a farce! And the State shares responsibility. That too will come to be known. One way or another. For now? I pull 12-hour, night shifts. I need a car. I won’t be able to pay storage this month. Might not be able to pay the phone. It’s going to be a difficult Octobre. – 5.50 I can’t believe how tired I am today! Fell asleep a few times and the last as almost 45mins! 2 more hours to go and I keep dozing. Rough drive to the house to come. -10.00 and a cheese omelette, chicken pattie, maple syrup, coffee half’n’half sugar. I’m rather awake. SB kept me company as I ate. Locked him-self in his room. Dishes are done, put up. Oh, I upped the thermostat to 68F when I came in. Fukkit. It was a foggy drive back, damp. – 17.26 Already! – And so it ends. The month. Imagine? It began with such JOY! Gone HOME! HOME! I was BACK HOME! (I truly should have stayed… one way or another. But I couldn’t really… poor SB would have been alone there. That wouldn’t have been fair to him. But there it is… so close. The time will come… will come… soon. HOME. To stay… forever… one way or another. As a living part of the Society or a part of the soil.)