NO-FUCKING-VEMBER!!!
Sun.1.November 2015 and… NO MORE DAY-LIGHT SAVINGS TIME!- 6.56 which, yesterday, was 7.56 but because we’ve gone back to “real” time instead of “savings” time is 6.56, but it doesn’t matter because… it’s raining. (And for some reason, my fingers don’t want to type this morning.) But it’s November already and it’s the beginning of the months of tragedy because I have bills to pay and can’t. Oh well. Tragedy. Winter. And my brain goes into chaos. Good morning. Shit. – I woke up on my own, before the alarm so I’m going to use this time wisely… and get back to the book. Back to re-LIVING 7 years ago… vividly. I almost can’t believe how vividly I AM re-LIVING those days… in such fine detail. But… here we go. New day, new week, new month… old ghosts. -This morning I woke from a bit of a DREAM snippette:
I was sitting on a porch on the back of a house with one or more people I knew. (Not sure now but I think it was 3 others.) The house was on the beach, not close to yet not far from the ocean. The skies were quite grey, but it was warm enough to be dressed in shorts and such. There was quite a wind blowing in from the sea. As we were all talking nicely, I looked out to the ocean and saw a HUGE WAVE rising. I stood up looking at it and as it rose I said something about how wonderful it would be to get out there and swim in that! Inside me, I was exhilarated by the thought of diving into the wave or being pulled up to the top of it and breaking through to the other side of it! The wave rose, tremendously high into the air and I realised that it was going to come in and cover us, on the porch, so I got down on the porch floor to lie flat, and the others sort of mocked me, because they believed the wave would break on the beach and not reach the house. As I laid down, the wave came over the porch, like a sheet of water and broke right against the back of the house! There was no damage to anything, just a lot of ocean water all over the place! And it really was quite wonderful, the experience of all of that ocean just covering me and everything… like a blanket. It felt great to be in ocean water again. As the water subsided, I said something about wondering how much water had gotten into the house and basement, but nobody else seemed concerned, and they simply talked, in a bit of amazement, about that being the first time a wave came up the beach that close to the house. And… I woke.
– 13.04 Although it was, to a point, rather fun, this morning has been shot to Hell! I got over to the house to feed Hallie and noticed, as I looked out the kitchen window, a “stirring” in the trap by the barn. A SKUNK! NOT A COON OR POSSUM… A SKUNK! IMMEDIATELY, I went to the internet to find instructions on how to release a skunk with-out being sprayed. TWO videos later, I came to the pit and asked B&L… L. of course, made it into a “day trip”… “You have to bring them MILES away or they’ll come back. They’ve got acute homing sense.” Well, B. didn’t say a word, and the two of US went to the barn, got a tarp and un-eventfully got the trap up onto the car and away we drove… off through Richford, almost up the mountain and release the little thing off the side of the 105, by the river. – I’m just jotting here because I had to go back to the house to let Hallie out to “make business” which she didn’t do again and I don’t much care at this point because I wasted the whole fucking morning and didn’t get anything done on the book! – Am having a coffee now, with PAIN in my right nut. How THAT happened, I’ve no idea. But … now to try to recapture the “extra hour” of this day. –
20.00 Just back from dinner for Ms. Hallie and washing the dishes and a damp mop of the kitchen floor. A walk round the house twice and a SHOOTING STAR upon which I wished for: a job that will provide the money to get the car on the road and me out of this state. As if I have any more beliefs in anything at this juncture in my existence. I sometimes think that I should be happy here, in this little Northern New England town. But I look around me and even in the little homes and such, I can’t find any reason to be. Terrible… Just terrible. being in Richford today doesn’t make it any easier. I miss that town. But I know there’s no going back to that because it will never be as it was. Nothing ever is. But I’d like to get back to New York state… and very soon. – Well, as I’m typing, I’ve been invited down-stairs for tea and cake. That’s nice too, but I wonder… at what price. –
1Nov 23.05 Moonlight Sonata onthe radio. Mama!

Mon.2.Nov: 6.43 an another day comes in. Cloudy. Warmish. Damp from yesterday’s rain. Radio still on. Pain in the jaw. Pain in the back. Pain in the arse. Another day. Another day. – And on with the book. – 23.58 and I’m just up from a chat with Lyle… – Well then, Jacquie came back by about 17.00 today but I’d made 3 trips over to the house for Hallie. I spent MOST of the day inside, working on the book. – At one point, this afternoon, I returned the library book “For Coloured Girls” and made the horrid error of engaging in chat with Sally, there. WHAT another typical Vermonter. We talked a touch about my book and the Homeless situation and she all but came right out and said that the Homeless put themselves into that situation! Then, said that she’s been many places in the world and that we here have it pretty good. Honestly? I’m tired of these people and she actually annoyed me. But she strengthened my resolve to get the fuck out of this town… and state. – Anyway, when I saw Jacquie this evening, she’d put an envelope on the table for me which I hesitantly accepted. But when I got back in this evening, I opened it to find 100 instead of the usual 50! Registration for the car is paid! (Now to find out how.) And almost the inspection too (but that’s going to be sticky… I know it won’t pass that). Insurance payment is left to be seen… But I’m not going to fixate on that right now. I can’t, my brain won’t allow it. – Oh, I checked my food stamp balance too… on the last receipt from yesterday at the store here… almost 300 there! They add up! WHAT a fucking shame I can’t simply sell them off. Oh well. – The pain in my back is quite miserable tonight. I’m not sure why, but I hope it passes. I’d like to get Jacquie’s kitchen done this week-end and back pain on that HIGH ladder? Not a good combination there. Hopefully this will pass… over-night. – And I have to note that these are difficult times with the book and meetings with Simmons in Dec. 2008. Oddly enough, the wounds of those days are still very much raw. My brain screams the things I’d wanted to scream at her and at them back then, and my insides rumble form it all. It’s still so vivid in my memory. If it weren’t so horrible, it’d be fascinating.

Tue.3.Nov: 0.53 I can’t finish the last day of 2008 on the book. Too tired Its still too fresh and is draining. This re-write and re-living these events is actually draining and exhausting me. In my head, and through my body, I’m actually THERE again! Consciously, I know I’m only writing the details, but apparently, some-where inside my mind, it’s all coming back to the present. Interesting, to say the least. – But it’s a good-weather day and there are a few things I’d like to “do” so… time for a break from the book. – 21.23 Well, I got to Jacquie’s at about 10.30. She’s all up-side down about this thing with her property taxes not having been paid on time. It’s rather annoying to be around somebody SO disorganised and who can’t even try and stay organised in the least bit. She’d mentioned going into Enosburgh today and I was hoping to pick up some food-stuffs whilst there. But with all the flightiness, I got annoyed and said that I had something to do and would be back. – Well then… by 13.00 today, I’d taken all the Halloween deco down from the house, including a trip up the ladder to get the ghost, and put everything into the barn. What will become of that stuff, I neither know nor care. It was up, served a purpose, came down. The front of the house is now more “Autumn/Thanksgiving”. Let it stay that way. My back’s bothering me a bit so I didn’t move the wheel-barrow. – WELL!!! 14.00 and I went back to Jacquie’s and she decided to go into Enosburgh! Into the truck, with Hallie, and down the road. Ah… but we got to “Sticks ‘n’ Stuff” and she made a mistake and drove past… and realising what she’d done, she asked if I needed to go to the market! She had NO intention of going to the market. Hmmm…. well we did go, both of us went in, I rushed through, grabbing some tinned soups and fruits, breakfast cereal, a coffee, some teas, creamer… I wasn’t really thinking very much as I went, I wanted in and out. And I was alone, Jacquie was doing her own shopping. When I’d done with mine, I stopped at the dollar store..; a package of gloves and a bottle of bleach to do her kitchen, and a little “Pine” room-freshener oil, 2 little bottles for 5$. Jacquie was back in the truck when I got there. And so, to the Mobil for gas, the Sticks ‘n’ Stuff for her hinges and pipe-wrap for under the kitchen (more work for me there) and back to the house. – Jacquie got to cooking some of the squash from the garden and we each had, she poured, 3 “Kaluah and milk” drinks. – Dinner was sausage-stuffed squash (I had 2), carrots and cous-cous. Rather good, i must say. And shortly there-after, I came back to the pit. – 20.30 I made it into the pit undiscovered. Bob and Lyle in the parlour. They’d gone for groceries this evening… first time with-out the freak’s food stamps. That must have been interesting. – Oh well… I’m really quite tired this evening. *I FINISHED 2008 IN THE BOOK TODAY.* – But I’m not feeling quite “right” tonight. A little back-pain, so it’s time to take the Aleves, have a tea and try (and hope) for a night’s sleep.

Wed.4.Nov: 7.23 PAIN again this morning. Right nut. PAIN. As if I need to move y bowels. But I just tried that and for a moment, the PAIN subsided. But as soon as I got back to the room, it came back. It’s to the point where walking is difficult, so too, standing. y right leg goes almost numb. It’s not sciatica. It’s just a PAIN. Oh well, PAIN and I know that I didn’t die last night. – Tomorrow the car insurance is gone. The “difficult times”, they are back. And me, no closer to going back to work than ever. – Back to the book. The notes on this journal are a mess. But the book will bring in money (I can only hope). So that needs focus right now. And I did nothing yesterday so I have to catch-up. – Oh… PAIN. What would I be if not for the PAIN? I simply wouldn’t be. – But all of the garbage is out this morning. That’s nice. It’s been months. – (Thu.5.Nov 9.06 There’s nothing I can say about today other than the PAIN!!!!! THE HELL!!! THE HORRID, MISERABLE, FRIGHTENING, PARALYSING PAIN!!!!! ALL DAY!!!!! *ALL* DAY!!!!! I WOKE IN PAIN!!!!! BUT I GOT UP, GOT DRESSED AND DECIDED THAT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO WALK IT OFF. PAIN!!!!! IN THE RIGHT HIP, THROUGH THE RIGHT GROIN, THROUGH THE RIGHT TESTICLE, DOWN THE RIGHT THIGH!!!!! IT STOPPED AT THE KNEE THOUGH. SO I WENT OUT TO THE BACK YARD AND TRIED WALKING DOWN TO THE BROOK. BUT THERE, THE PAIN WAS SO BAD THAT I THOUGHT I’D BE STUCK THERE, UNABLE TO MOVE. SO I TRIED TO GET BACK TO THE HOUSE AND NOTICED LYLE OUT WITH THE DOGS SO I HID BEHIND THE BARN, IN PAIN, MOANING ALOUD. I COULDN’T CONTAIN MY MOANS! WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE HOUSE, LYLE OPENED THE DOOR “YOU’RE NOT DOING VERY WELL.” HE SAID. I COULDN’T EVEN TRY TO HIDE THE PAIN. HE OFFERED MASSAGE, NAPROSYN, I JUST WANTED AND NEEDED TO GET BACK UP TO THE BED!!!!! THE PAIN WAS HORRID! I TRIED LAYING ON MY BACK, HOLDING MY KNEES TO MY FACE. IT WAS A BIT OF A RELIEF. AND IN THAT POSITION, I ROLLED TO MY RIGHT SIDE AND SOON, FELL DEEP ASLEEP FOR ABOUT 3 HOURS. I WOKE, TO THE PAIN!!!!! AND FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, TRIED TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO. RETURNED TO THE POSITION AND BACK TO SLEEP AGAIN. THE PAIN WAS SO INTENSE THAT EVEN MOMENTS OF IT WAS EXHAUSTING! AND THAT’S HOW THE MORNING WENT: PAIN, SLEEP, PAIN, SLEEP. AT ABOUT 15.00 I WALKED OVER TO JACQUIE’S TO LET HALLIE OUT. A NOTE ON THE TABLE: SHE’D TAKEN HALLIE WITH HER ON HER ERRANDS. SO I LEFT A NOTE SAYING THAT I WOULDN’T BE BACK TODAY BECAUSE OF MY PAIN AND RETURNED TO COME BACK TO BED. BOB CAME IN, I CAME UP TO THE ROOM AND BACK INTO THE ONE POSITION OF SOME RELIEF. BOB CALLED UP TO ASK IF I WS HUNGRY, I SAID NO… AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP FOR THE FEW HOURS. LATER, I TRIED FOR A SMOKE. MADE IT…. IN PAIN!!!! THE PAIN!!!! HORRID PAIN!!!!! MADE IT BACK UP THE STAIRS AD BACK INTO BED… AND COLLAPSED IN EXHAUSTION AND PAIN!!!! AWAKE AND ASLEEP ALL THROUGHT THE NIGHT. AND EVEN HAVING TAKEN 2 ALEVE-PM! PAIN!!!!! PAIN!!!!! PAIN!!!!! (I didn’t get anything done on the book again today… now I’m 20 pages behind. I didn’t get anything done about the car, registration and such. I just can’t move for the PAIN!!!!!)

Thu.5.Nov: 8.47 TWENTY-FOUR HOURS OF UNADULTERATED LIVING HELL!!!!! PAIN!!!!! INDESCRIBABLE PAIN!!!!! INCREDIBLE PAIN!!!!! FROM THE RIGHT HIP THROUGH THE RIGHT TESTICLE, AROUND TO THE RIGHT THIGH!!!!! PAIN!!!!! PAIN!!!!! HELL!!!!! THAT’S ALL I CAN SAY IS, THAT IT WAS HELL!!!!! I WOKE THIS MORNING AT ABOUT 3.45 FEELING ONLY SIGHTLY BETTER THAN I DID ALL DAY YESTERDAY BUT BETTER ENOUGH TO GET UP, HAVE COFFEE AND TRY FOR A SMOKE DOWN-STAIRS. BUT I HAD TO SIT ON THE STEP BECAUSE, BY THE TIME I GOT TO THE STEPS, THE PAIN RETURNED. THEN, WHEN I’D FINISHED MY SMOKE, DIXIE GOT HERSELF STUCK ON THE LUMBER PILE SO I HAD TO GET HER. WELL, IN MY PAIN AND ANGER AND EXHAUSTION, SHE GOT A PULL AND A TOSS. POOR THING. BUT I COULDN’T TOLERATE IT ANY LONGER. SHE CAME INTO THE HOUSE AND RAN FROM ME, I DON’T BLAME HER. I CAME UP TO THE BED-ROOM IN MORE PAIN!!!!! HORRID, MISERABLE, PAIN!!!!! I TRIED TO LAY BACK DOWN ON THE BED BUT COULDN’T GET INTO A POSITION WHERE THERE WAS NO PAIN. I LAID ON THE FLOOR. THAT DIDN’T HELP EITHER. I TRIED WALKING, STANDING, TWISTING, MOVING. NOTHING HELPED. THEN, I FELT I HAD TO MOVE MY BOWELS, SO I WENT TO THE LOO AND TRIED, AND TRIED, AND TRIED. I FELT I HAD TO “GO” *AND* BECAUSE OF THE PAIN, I WANTED TO VOMIT. THE LEVEL OF PAIN WAS SO GREAT THAT I WANTED TO VOMIT!!!!! AT LONG LAST, ONLY BUT A BIT CAME OUT AND SOME-HOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE TUESDAY NIGHT, THE PAIN SUBSIDED CONSIDERABLY. I CAME BACK INTO THE ROOM, GOT BACK INTO BED AND AGAIN, THE PAIN RETURNED. I COULDN’T FIND A POSITION WHERE THERE WAS EITHER NO PAIN OR TOLERABLE PAIN. I COULDN’T EVEN CONTAIN MY GROANS. I LAID ON THE BED, CONSDIERING GOING TO JACQUIE TO TAKE ME TO EMERGENCY. NO INSURANCE. NO MEDICAID. NOTHING. BUT I FELT THERE WAS NO ALTERNATIVE. I COULDN’T DRIVE AND THE THOUGHT OF BEING STRAPPED ON MY BACK, WHICH WAS A HORRIBLY PAINFUL POSITION, ON A GEURNEY, ALL THE WAY TO ST-ALBANS WAS ALL THE MORE NIGHTMARISH. AT LEAST IF JACQUIE BROUGHT ME, I COULD LAY IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK, BALLED UP, AS I’VE BEEN SINCE YESTERDAY MORNING. BOB LEFT FOR WORK, I LAID ON THE BED IN PAIN AND I DRIFTED OFF UNTIL ABOUT 6.00 WHEN THE PAIN WOKE ME AGAIN AND THE HELL RETURNED. AGAIN, I THOUGHT OF GETTING DRESSED AND TRYING TO GET OVER TO JACQUIE, BUT I WASN’T SURE SHE’D BE AWAKE YET… AND IN MY PONDERING THE EMERGENCY ROOM, TELLING THEM TO SIMPLY DO SOMETHING TO GET RID OF THE PAIN, I DRIFTED OFF UNTIL JUST NOW. I WOKE, PAIN-FREE, LAID ON THE BED, MOVING MY LEGS, TRYING TO WIGGLE MY TOES. IT ALL SEEMED TO A BE OK. I GOT UP, AND IT WAS OK. PUT ON WATER FOR COFFEE AND DECIDED TO GO FOR A SMOKE. DIXIE CAME WITH. I SAT ON THE PORCH, SHE ATE SOME GRASS. AND ALTHOUGH I KNOW THAT SOMETHING WAS “WRONG” IN MY BACK, GROIN AND LEG, I COULD AND CAN MOVE. IT’S 9.01 NOW, I’M ON THE BED. A FEELING OF HAVING TO MOVE MY BOWELS AND A BIT OF PAIN IN THE HIP, GROIN AN THIGH. BUT JUST A BIT. I’M FEELING QUITE LIGHT-HEADED TOO AND IT’S A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO BREATHE. BUT IT’S SO SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL DAY… THE ENTIRE DAY, YESTERDAY. – And a note here: the hopper for the pellet stove is empty and there isn’t another bag in the parlour. Doesn’t this just figure? Bob… didn’t even bother to bring a bag in. The two of them laid there yesterday evening, watching TV while I was up-stairs, writhing in pain and dozing to avoid more. Honestly. I need to get the fuck away. Too fucking lazy to bring in a bag of pellets… for themselves, certainly not for me. – It’s another very warm day out there too, today. I don’t know what I’ll do with it. Right now, I’m terrified to move. A pain-free moment. I’m terrified to move and have the PAIN return. 24 hours of HELL! I’m at the very end of my pain tolerance today… the very end. – 9.18 Twinges of pain. I CAN’T PUT UP WITH MORE PAIN!!!! –

13.48 I’m sitting at the little desk! I made it over to Jacquie’s! Told her about last night and… she told me of her compressed vertebrae. And then? Down to the basement to check the crawl-space for the pipe heater installation, cutting the remaining corn stalks on Monday and I do believe that she expects me to give what I have here to this person who wants them for animal feed. Fat fucking chance dolly-do. The stay until after Thanksgiving, if I have anything to say about it… them. And other such things including the ceiling and walls in the kitchen. Of course. And the “Sugar Pie” pumpkins go to work as does the food. Well… thats’s OK fine by me. Just don’t expect me to be helping next year (since she’s already planning on planting again). – But here I am, catching up with all the “notes” that I’d jotted because of working on the book. And now? I need to toddle to the loo, have a smoke, hope like hell there’s nothing I’ll be “called to do” by HLS and GET BACK TO THE BOOK… NOW 30 PAGES BEHIND BECAUSE OF THE PAST 2 DAYS! – My back? Twingie. It causes me worry more than concern. I can’t stand even the thought of going through that pain again. I just can’t stand the thought. I’ll have my BDMs ready for the next time… and a trip up Minister Hill if need be. But I will NOT go through THAT HELL AGAIN! – Oh… high temperature today? 19°. Tomorrow? 17°. Then….? KA-BANG-BOOM DOWN TO “NOVEMBER”! But today is so beautiful out there it’s a shame to be in here. I could have gone to the banque in Bedford but… Oh well… I suspect there’ll be a “check-out-of-this-shit” day coming ever so soon… No sense worrying about little shit. – Oh… and “SocSvces”? They gave me a whopping 21$ (toward heat or to help pay rent). Are they fucking insane? Well.. yes, yes they are. – And me, right now, I smell “sour” from all the pain and sweat and such. There’s a shower in the program… for tomorrow… Shabbat. – 19.57 IN BED AT LAST! My sweats smell sour, like “sick sweat” from last night. But I’m sitting in bed which is something I couldn’t do last night. The day? Relatively pain-free… relatively. But tonight, my right thigh is DEAD! NUMB! GONE! No pain, except a “twinge” in the back. And the urge to move my bowels. I went over to Jacquie’s at 19.00, and tried. Tiny! Very tiny. And that’s when the “twinge” came on. But I walked round the house thrice with Hallie after her dinner. Now I have to drop a “report” to Jacquie and then… back to the book. I got about 4 pages done already this evening and would like to get some more done before konking out tonight… which I hope to have happen shortly. – It’s a beautiful night out there tonight. Quite warm. And ever so warm in the room. (I just got called for a ‘moke by Lyle… hey, i had dinner – 2 franks – with them too this evening. I’m on the “nice list”?) I just hope it’ll be a night of SLEEP! And a morning of no pain tomorrow. There are things I should get done… and tomorrow I’m hoping for a wash. The linens and sleepies need it. So too, my clothes. We can hope… indeed. – 22.53 and time to cut this out! Have 4 more pages done on the book, had a last smoke with HLS and the puppies. – I think the numbness of my back is wearing off. It’s “tight” and a bit uncomfortable. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep through tonight. I took 2 more Aleve at about 20.00 Not that I expect much from them. – Now… a tin of mangoes a bit of browsing and hopefully to sleep. – The TV is on so loudly in the parlour… so much for “silent nights”. I don’t know how Bob manages to sleep through it. But then again when I was a kid, if the TV wasn’t on in some-where in the house, I couldn’t sleep. (But it didn’t have the “surround sound” back then!) –

Fri.6.Nov: 6.43 The pain is trying to make a come-back. Only this morning, it’s supra-pubic! I mean… WTF? Not (yet) as bad as Wednesday (yet). But quite uncomfortable. I’ve no time for this shit. Really. No time. – 7.16 Yes, the pain is trying to return this morning. Any wonder? No, none at all. – To the book… for the time I have before the pain takes control… again. – 16.27 Just up and out of bed from about noon. This morning, 10.00, I went to get breakfast for Hallie, and washed the bed linens. Yay, for the laundry. But by the time I’d done, I was back in PAIN! The groin today… BURNING! At the house, I tried for a BM and that too was painful. Inside. And not very productive. I don’t know what’s going on there. I don’t know what’s going on all over in there. The right testicle, the right groin, the PAIN PAIN PAIN!!! So when I got back to the pit, I laid on the un-made bed and tried for a “nap”. It took 30 minutes just to get comfortable and one that happened, it took hours to wake up. I woke at last when Bob came in from work. And now? I’m sick to my stomach and going through the aggravation of being even further behind with the book and having wasted a whole fucking day! And I’m nauseated. On what was another warm, cloudy but good day. – In a bit, I’ll go back to the house to wash my clothes and give Hallie dinner. I can’t let her suffer because of me. It’s bad enough she and the dogs here don’t know that I’m ill and not very “friendly”. – Oh, speaking of which… the brats over Jacquie have new dog… a pitbull. This one’s an adult, and the Mr. Fuktard is walking it in the garden… how lovely… dog shit in the “organic” garden. – I need to get away from here. – 6Nov: Friday night, 20.27 (24 degrees in this room!) and on the bed, sitting, hoping to kill-off the day’s PAIN!!! Just back from Jacquie’s with Ms. Hallie. Poor Ms. Hallie. She got only 2 visits today, breakfast and dinner. I’ve been in SO MUCH PAIN all day today, I went over at about 10.00 this Margin this morning and got my bed linens washed and came back round noon… and right back into bed! This evening, it was an effort to get over there again. But if not me, she won’t eat! Besides, I GOT MY CLOTHES WASHED AND I GOT A TEETH-BRUSH, NECK SHAVE AND A NICE CLEAN SHOWER!!! IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE THE LAST! So I’m feeling CLEAN! In FUCKING PAIN but CLEAN! – Popped a message to Jacquie for the “Evening Report” and had to leave to get back here… Here, where they’re already in bed and as I’ve noted, it’s 24° in this room! I wonder how in Hell that happened. – Anyway, I’m going to try for a night with-out Aleves tonight and get a bit more on the book and hope… HOPE I can sleep through and wake in less pain tomorrow. I’m not asking for “no” pain… just less. Even that will be quite the blessing. – 20.33 and… Shabbat Shalom. – 22.37 and I’ve had last smoke of the day… with HLS who was awake when I went down for said smoke. – Managed 6 pages on the book today. This evening the PAIN is a bit “better”, not much, but a bit. At least I’ve been able to use the computer. – But I’ve NO appetite! I had a bowl of oatmeal at Jacquie’s this morning and it made me sick. This evening I had an apple and that too upset my stomach. I had a couple of donuts when I got in, but only a couple. My bowels feel stuffed now. Something’s amiss. Oh well… just give me time to get to the woods and away, that’s all I ask. – Now, I’ll check a fesses-book page or 2 and try for a “nap”. – It’s so warm in here tonight that I don’t even have my sweat top on! And outside? The wind is BANGING! There’s a change a-comin’ in the weather… to be sure. And I doubt it’s going back to July.

Sat.7.Nov: 11.19 I was up just before the 7.00 alarm this morning and sadly, I’ve wasted the morning on soc.med. But I’m just in from breakfasting Ms.Hallie-Baby and a brisk day out there. Inside, the temperature is still 22° and I don’t know what they’re spraying or melting in the wax-thingie but it smells delightfully “warm” in the place this morning. – Pain? It’s still there. My thighs, both, are tense and tight. There’s still the pinges in the right side. The right nut feels a bit better today. But I’m still walking about like a 90 year old. Jacquie asked if I might have kidney stones. I’ve pondered that too. Black coffee is said to cause them. Hmmm…. That, and dehydration which is something I do much of through the Summer months. Oh well… what-ever. May it all lead to a quick and timely demise. – And now? I’m still clean from last night’s shower and laundry and back to the book. Hopefully I’ll progress today! I must. No doubts about it. – 22.58 In bed and have been for a while. I worked A LOT on the book today! I’m working with “notes” from the journal and, I’d sad to see, from the original book too! And there’s SO much to fill in and SO much that I actually REMEMBER! But there’s A LOT of work to be done for a while. – I did manage to get to Hallie for “lunch break” and for dinner. Poor thing… I haven’t spent much time with her today. But better than those 2 shit-bags up-stairs in that house, I’m certain. And I didn’t really clean the house this week-end either. Shit! I’m still in some pain and I’m not going to do anything that might prolong it! – This evening, their Eric came for dinner AND I WAS INVITED AND I ATTENDED! I still don’t fell all too comfortable about it, but it was nice, and Eric and I chatted in the kitchen for the longest while after dinner was done and B&L went to the parlour. No, no “interest” in Eric (and I doubt he has any in me) but it was nice to talk with him. And now he knows I’m really not as bad as I’d probably been portrayed. Oh well… fuck it all anyway anyway. – So now, I’m about to turn in. One last ‘moke and a little browsing and done. Tomorrow? I’d LUV to sleep in but I don’t see that happening. Tonight’s supposed to get cold again and tomorrow’s supposed to remain cold. But I’ve got breakfast and a lunch break with Hallie so… it never ends and I never rest. – The book, however, is becoming quite rather difficult because there’s so much to fill in and the more I recall, the heavier it becomes.

Sun.8.Nov: 9.14 Just up from morning smoke. I slept until 9.00 this morning. And I could use another few hours of sleep too this crisp morning. But the note of this morning was the dream of last night.
DREAM: Mary Pafka, Kristin, Liz, and other girls in this one. We were all in our 20’s, and working at some kind of factory that made metal stairs, escalators, and those moving side-walks. I had no shoes of my own and was wearing a pair of purple and fuchsia “bowling shoes” that were terribly worn. They belonged to somebody else, but I had none of my own so I put them on and tried to hide the fact that I’d taken them from somebody else. There were canvass “bags” that had to be put on some large water pipes in a building that we were constructing and we had to test them by opening the water lines to full pressure. None of it makes any sense, really. Then, just before I woke out of it, I had to test all of the metal stairs and such and went through the factory on all of them. At the end, I went into a small “office” or “sales room” where displays were being set up and there, as people were working to set up the displays, Penelope came in… she was singing “Pie Jesu”! (when I woke, at 5.35, it was playing on the radio so the music came into my dream) She was straining to hit the higher notes, and as she sang, everybody stopped working to stare at her. And I said “She’s not bad for 75 years old.” and some other woman looked at me and said, sincerely “She’s amazing!” And I woke… to hear the song on the radio.
Well now, I’m awake, the sun is shining, there’s still that remaining “pinge” of pain in the right hip this morning and my stomach is sour from it. And now I need to get together and get breakfast for Hallie. – Oh… and the little Christmas cactus is in bloom… full bloom. The little Richford cactus is all buds this morning. The celery though, isn’t doing too well. Things are growing… and I’m in a pitiful mood. It’s Sunday, another day, and the month where the car insurance, registration and inspection is moving too quickly. I keep telling myself it’ll only be difficult to get it all back together but… that’s my “life”… difficult. – I need to get back to work on the book today too. – And Bob is in the kitchen, cooking cabbage soup already. – Sunday morning… going down. – 17.37 Ms. Hallie has had her dinner and 3 walks round the grounds. Ms. Jacquie is still not back and I’m a touch perturbed by that. Once again, the “owners” of these little creatures who take no responsibility. Ah well… I do get paid for the service so I shouldn’t think about it… but I do. – HEY! I’m 60% into the book and these “breaks” are keeping me back! I want this thing DONE! Out there. Available! It’s the story of so many guys and I want it wide-spread now! I promised! – I was invited to soup this evening here. It was truly delicious but honestly, my appetite hasn’t returned yet (as if it ever might). But I join them more for the sake of “harmony”. I wasn’t invited on Friday night when they had “grinders” so it’s not a regular thing, and I appreciate that. – And now, a bit of browsing with a peppermint tea, a little more work on the book and an early turn-in (I hope). I am rather tired and my hips still hurt. So too, my thighs. “Rest” is all that helps, so they say… “they” do. So I’ll try for that. I wish I could get “rest” for my insides as well. But that will never come… probably not even after my death. – (Monday morning) There isn’t much to say about the entire day. I worked on the book, got 7 pages done and have added 2 more. It’s now 399 pages… and counting. And it’s still difficult recounting those days. Some of them were actually quite brutal. Hmmm…. – This evening I joined B&L for cabbage soup. A small bowl. I still don’t have much of an appetite. And I still have remnant pain in the lower back.

Mon.9.Nov: 7.47 Awake. Still in some pain in the lower back. And this morning, mostly gas. Ah… cabbage soup, I suppose. The room is chilly. The morning is crisp. And… I’m back to the book. – Up from a smoke. And Jacquie’s truck is at the house. I’m relieved that she’s home. Ms. Hallie will be taken care of today. – I need to get more pellets to the porch today. Hopefully it will go well. – 23.47 and in bed at long, long last after a FULL DAY of working more on the book and….13 pages done, 63 per-cent done, 5 pages added. BUT… my calendar of days is off by one. There was nothing on the 30th September 2008 and I dropped the day off the count. So that has be be corrected. What’s worse is that the “Bitter-sweet” went to publish with that error in it! Oh well. Maybe I’ll pull that and simply replace it with the “new version”. I don’t know. Or, maybe I’ll just re-issue. The choice is mine now. But THIS one MUST get done! – So today, the house had a visitor: Heather McKeowen I believe is the way she spells the name. A real WONDER, she is! AND… she has a condo or something in… KEW GARDENS! She works for Jet Blue so she keeps the place there. (I wonder who occupies whilst she’s gone and if I could ever get to hitch a ride with her when she goes… and visit.) AND she writes! She has a place in Richford and put me wise to somebody over there who took the USPS to court and WON… HUGE! I wonder… I wonder… I wonder… I’ll HAVE to follow up now! – Meanwhile, Jacquie came in yesterday and was at the house this morning but left at some point during the day and… well… I didn’t hear from her all day and the truck wasn’t there all day. Tonight, the house was “well-lit” and no truck. And no messages. I wonder about that as well. – I got invited to dine. One chicken pattie and some chips. Not enough but better than nothing. I still have the “soups” in the “larder” though. I don’t know why I’m holding them. I’ve got the FS to get MUCH more but the car… hmmm…. and I’m avoiding any thoughts about that just now. – And I still have the 80 from the 100 from Jacquie. I don’t know… I just don’t. – Right now, the room is “cooling” a bit but the mattress heater is on. It’s been 20° in here all day. I hope it doesn’t get too cold over-night. I’m trying to not use the heater. But I certainly will NOT go through the cold I’ve gone through in the past. Nope. – On that note, a bit of a browse and to sleep (I hope). – Doing this book is almost murder, I have to say. The memories are truly, still so fresh. It’s exhausting… emotionally and physically when I read about the sleepless nights and the abuse from the likes of Guadagno and the others. That was truly a thankless job.. the back-stabbing was horrific. More of a miserable past.

Tue.10.Nov: 7.28 Jacquie’s still not there. I wonder. – I’m STILL in a bit of pain in the back. Tomorrow will be a week. – It’s a chilly morning, this. With frost. And the room is a bit on the chilled side but not bad. – And my brain is some-where else. – The car. I worry about the car. And I should go to the market today. I should go to the banque too. – And there’s more work on the book to do. – And it’s a double-digit date now. – It’s morning. Anxieties. – 22.19 65% through the book! And this evening was a particularly rough spot… recounting the night I learnt that Charlie had been arrested… for murder. I read my account from the published and edited only slightly. But the event returned, as they do, and I cried. And I edited my account of the lead poisoning, looked up the symptoms… classic! I’ve told Jacquie and Lyle about it and they both has the same reaction: “Chelation Therapy”. Apparently, lead never leaves the system and continues to poison. Oh well… good. Make it quick… right after the new book is out. – And I saw Jacquie today. Her truck is in the shop.. until Monday! She was home all day yesterday. Hmmm…. and I missed dinner with her and Jes and Kerry. Oh well. I’d stopped by round about noon. She washed her own kitchen floor because Hallie’s lump drained all over yesterday. Poor little creature. And she was expecting Cecil’s relatives to come by this evening and go through the remaining clothing there. (Thankfully, I’ve gotten what I like out of there already… WARM CLOTHES.) – I dined with the folks this evening, after having polished off a tin of chunky soup and mangoes. I had a little bit of kielbasa and sauerkraut. Very little. It was quite good too. – Other-wise, it was quite the day of working on the book. 35% to go! Then the aligning, the images and that’s about that! It would be nice t be able to get it done in the next 5 days but… not chance. – And so, no I’m having my nightly tea. Tomorrow I need to get smokes and some noshes for night-time. I’ve nothing tonight. Oh well. That’s tomorrow. Tonight… this day is wrapped done. –

Wed.11.Nov. 7.36 Veterans’ Day. – We live in peace and harmony when we live in the moment. We live depression when we live in the past. We live in anxiety when we live in the future. But try to stay in the moment with-out stepping out of the moment… it is impossible. The moment is too small to stand in, motionless. There is always something to make us teeter, and trying not to fall, we move a leg, put a foot forward or backward, and there we are… out of the moment, swaying from past to future, in an out, back and forth, depression and anxiety, and never… in the moment. – Time to get to work. – Overcast. But the room is warm this morning. And too, out-side in the cloudiness, it’s comfortably cool. – At day’s end… it was another FULL day of writing. The pages keep increasing as the details are recalled. But this evening, something strange hit me: “toxicity”. It’s as if the horrors are filling me with something toxic. The last few days of the first “residency” in the shelter truly were “the horror story” of Homelessness. Once the room changed, it became horrific! And the more I recall, the more I expound, the heavier this is becoming. But I’ve finally reached the end of that part and that’s encouraging. I’m still only at 68%, but the next is “Revisit”. As that part is, un-edited, another 177 pages. But this evening, I got to note a beautiful Sunday of returning to The Fort, a day in the ocean and sleeping… SLEEPING (oh how I miss those days) on the beach… and a reminder of Penelope’s hypocrisy too when, knowing that I was in the Shelter, and after telling me to make myself “scarce” round the RAA, she blithely suggested that I should stop by for “a cup of coffee”. Gee… I wonder how many folks she alienated after I’d gone. Another Zuri? No friends in the end… until, of course, the “Memorial” service. Who knows? Who knows? – Of particular note though today… that lump on Hallie’s shoulder is HORRIBLE! A lump with an actual HOLE in it! It’s draining and it looks SO PAINFUL! She’s still bouncy and playful, but looking at it hurts ME to the core. Jeez… I hope she’s going to be OK. Jacquie says she’s due for surgery… Thursday! Poor little thing. I hope it’s not causing her pain. – And so… another day gets wrapped… at mid-night. I need to stop that late-hour retire. I want to get back to being up at 4.30am! Why? mostly to finish this book. (And it would be interesting to see if I couldn’t turn this Summer passed into another one… although, I’d like to crunch these past 4 years into one… I don’t know that anybody’d be interested in reading… but it would make for a follow-up… and it might be well worth the try.)

Thu.12.Nov: 7.27 I was up at 4.30, dozed a while and back to sleep. Slept through the alarm at 6.00 and am just up from my smoke and ready to hit the book again! – 7.38 and the house-phone just rang. Hmm…. who’d call at this hour? I just hope they haven’t “stirred the L.”! – Well. It’s already 1.26 on Friday morning and I’m just wrapping-up for Thursday. And amongst today’s (Thursday’s) accomplishments? Well, I dropped by to see Jacquie before she headed off to work. This evening, I made sure to be back at the house to give Ms. Hallie her dinner and a bit of company. BY GOD HER WOUND IS HORRID! THE THING ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE A TUMOUR! IT GRIEVES ME TO SEE IT AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE THAT SHE’S IN NO PAIN! SHE’S GOT SURGERY ON MONDAY… MAY THERE BE NO PAIN MEANWHILE. AND MAY IT BE SOMETHING THEY CAN EASILY REMOVE. POOR SWEET-HEART! And she’s always in such a good mood! I look at her and can’t help but think: she shows no signs of pain… and neither do I. The world never knows (and most people don’t give a shit anyway). –
I’VE FINISHED WITH PART I OF THE NEXT BOOK! (Now on to “Revisted”…) I’m actually RE-LIVING ALL of those days as I recall the moments and events and I have to say that this is VERY SAD… VERY HEAVY… and, in many instances, VERY DARK. But, it’ll be cleaned up quite a bit, look nicer, be more presentable across a wider readership and “OUR story” will be told… as promised… yet again. HOPEFULLY THIS TIME, by MORE people! – And so, I’ve done a bit of browsing on the soc.med. and I believe at this hour, it’s time for a nap… and not much more. I want to be up not later than 6.00! Good luck to me with that.

Fri.13.Nov: 8.19 Some “nap! 7 hours of sleep and I could use another 7, I do believe. Dragging this morning. This raining morning. Ever so tired. “Ever” so tired. – 23.01 And… 7 more pages and 70% through! Clean clothes. Clean pillow cases. Clean jammies. CLEAN ME! Not the linens though. I did my wash at 16.00 when I went to be with Hallie. I gave her a bit of lunch, and I had TWO “Banquet” chicken “dinners” (from next door). One miserable piece of chicken each! 2,99$ each! Such bull-shit. But hot and meat and food! AND ice cream after! – I didn’t get back to the house until about 19.00 though. And I’m feeling rather guilty at the moment that I didn’t go back to let Hallie out to pee once more. But I got to 70% on the book! – And now… a brief browse and try for sleep. I want to be with Hallie early tomorrow morning. And I want to get MORE on the book. And tonight they’re forecasting possible flurries. And it’s warm enough in the room. The radio is on and I’m rather excited about the book. Hopefully, I’ll just get to sleep. – 23.43 Lyle’s got the fucking stereo cranking so loudly down there that the base is vibrating the fucking bed! Great! I’m writing the journal of the shelter and now THIS SHIT! FUCK! And I swear he’s toking in the fucking parlour and it’s blowing up through the fucking hole in this floor. WHAT the actual FUCK is this bullshit? I should have prepared though… he’s been out the last 3 times I went for a cigarette… pulling on his fucking pipe. This shit is too much! Just too much! So much for early sleep… Fucking immature “spoiled brat”. Selfish bitch. – And Bob’s in bed for some hours now already. I mean… SERIOUSLY! –

Sat.14.Nov: 7.40 I’m up. Bob’s up. And when I went for my smoke, there was a bit of flurries. Just a bit. – The temp in the room is 18 and yet, it’s warm. Hmmm…. or I’ve got fever. What-ever. – I’m going to get some book-work done and Hallie breakfast and… I don’t know… more book. – Bob wants to work on the barn and said “I need help.” but didn’t ask me to do so. I wonder about that as well. I didn’t quite offer but I implied. We’ll see. – New day… old anxieties. Typical day. And my windows are fogged. I didn’t put the plexi back correctly… The one isn’t sealed. Oh well. – 22.44 IN BED! Just gave up on working on “June 2011” on the “Revisited”. There’s SO much work to be put into these months! – This morning I got Hallie her breakfast and walks round the house and when I got back to the pit, Bob was working on putting up a wall on the “wood-shed”… It was COLD and WINDY (about 28°F on the barn thermo). BUT… I helped a bit. Why? Because I do that. It’s not my barn/shed, it’s not my house, not my property… but when there’s “work”… Truth be told: I don’t dislike doing work and round here, I am “in residence” so it’s best to be “part of” and not “removed from”. They’ve had enough of that… even though the freak “paid rent” (and then took it and more back by putting them into 3 weeks in a hotel… that Penny paid for… how charming-lovely for them to have that luxury… Never mind.) – Back into work a bit on the book today. I’m plugging right along here… and determined to get it done and out for sale! – Took a break for lunch-time with Ms. Hallie and to give her some extra food to eat and a bit of a walk about the house. – Meanwhile… I GOT INVITED TO DINE AT 17.00 HERE! I wonder what the dinner invite is about now… so that, in a bit, I can get whammy-hammered with another “YOU OWE US A LOT OF MONEY”? Oh well… Think about the one you actually BROUGHT into this house and then… I’ve put A LOT OF WORK into the place… and now it’s time to let that matter go.. – MOVING ALONG… Their Eric came to diner this evening… and “taco bowls” were had. I had one, rather small, just to keep peace and appear to dine with. – Right after dinner, I bolted back to the house to get Ms. Hallie HER dinner… and to finish my ice cream in the freezer before Ms. Jacquie returns. It’s actually what I’m living on this week-end.. ice cream… yesterday and today. Anyhoo, I sent off a “report” to Jacquie, took Ms. Hallie out for a stroll about the house and by about 20.30 came back to the pit and back to work on the book – I’d like to browse the soc.med. a bit but I’m so tired and my tea’s gone tepid so…

Sun15.Nov: 7.45 Didn’t get to lights out until 1.00 this morning and now I’m feeling the results of eating too much ice cream over this week end…. ICK! – But sun is shining and… apparently, I’m awake. – 23.55 Worked on the book but NOT NEARLY ENOUGH! Hallie for breakfast at 9.30. But not back until almost 16.00 and Jacquie back from work cooking punkins. I had a beer, she had wine, invited me to Kerry’s for dinner. We walked, round the Square Rd. and stopped at Jes and Kerry’s. Jess is not well this evening, mourning loss of a 10yr office in White River! Ca se peut tu? For 10 years he’s been paying 300$/month rent on an office he’d not used for about 9 years! Makes me sick. And he’s actually “mourning” giving it up! Well, while we were there, we all had a very light dinner with more beer then tea and I was back at the pit by 21.00. Time for a smoke and more work on book until now. – Bottom right tooth ache. Oh well. Not TOO bad… yet. – Right now, this is all note-jotting. I’m truly tired. Would like another smoke. Not going to bother. Off to sleep I hope.

Mon.16.Nov: 6.35 And… another day, another week. But I’m awake and it’s still 6.00-something! A better start to the day. (Now,if only I could get back to the 4.00 in the morning routine I once enjoyed. THAT would be ever so nice.) – Hallie-Baby… may today’s surgery be painless. You should never experience pain. But thankfully, you’re in a house where you’re care FOR AND ABOUT. May it all go smoothly, and painlessly. – 22.40 Almost done with “June” on the book but the day was wasted! – Great news, Hallie is OK post-op. – I was invited (again) for 2 franks for dinner at the pit. And then, when I went to drop in on Jacquie… burger and such for dinner at Jacquie’s with Jes and Kerry. I stayed too late. – I believe that I could use a shower. But right now, I’m going to work a bit more to finish June and then 4 months more to the end! I did 13 pages today. That would be great to keep that up – I can only hope.

Tue.17.Nov: 6.27 water’s on and I feel like total shit for some reason this morning. But I’m awake… – 23.00 “JULY 2011” is now done! And merged into the main manuscript. This thing is coming along… and I must say that I’m rather proud of me with this edition… being responsible and WORKING on and AT it! – ANOTHER dinner invite came this evening and “veggie lasagna” (Stouffers) was served… literally… “served”. Funny thing though… I dropped in at Jacquie’s after and had a slice of pizza there too! EATING! (I should do more but… – It was another FULL FULL DAY of working on the book. – I wanted to get something to “nosh” this evening as I type this but that fucking “store” here closed… at bloody 19.00!!! I’ve no “munchies” and that’s just stupid beyond belief. 19.00. – Well, it’s getting chilly in the room (19° though) and I’m ready for bed! – Oh… I think “they’re doing Thanksgiving” here this week… I NEED TO GET AWAY! AWAY! (Jacquie said she’ll be working the day and I can “hide” over there… Now I have to figure HOW to do that.)

Wed.18.Nov: 7.06 Didn’t want to wake again this morning. Brisk. Put on the little heater.
Had to add a bag of pellets to the stove this morning in spite of the fact that my legs still don’t want to hold “me” up.. My right thigh is still numb and the pain in the left thigh is still very much there! Oh well… it’s another day… of pain. – I would very much like getting up at about 5.30 in the morning, especially now with the book work. I think I’ll have to try and work on that… and maybe even get back to my “NYC 4.30” wake-hour. THAT would be very ever so nice. I miss those mornings. – And NOW…….. TO THE BOOK! – 21.49 This is almost incredible! At THIS hour, HLS, the great DO NOTHING, is starting with the stereo! Honestly? NO fucking respect for ANYBODY nor ANYTHING. Hey! It didn’t feed the dogs their BREAKFAST meal until almost 15.00! Last night, their water bowl was DRY! AND THIS MORNING… *I* PUT A BAG OF PELLETS INTO THE STOVE AND THIS EVENING, *I* PUT THE TRASH BARRELS INTO THE SHED. *I* AM GETTING FUCKING SICK OF THIS BS! IT’S NOT *MY* HOUSE! AND IT’S NOT AS IF *I* DO NOTHING AROUND HERE. FUKOFFFUCKTARDS! – 22.00 on the nose and the fucking BASS from down-stairs rumbles the fucking floor in this room! Just noting. Faggots! – 22.11 Odd… I’m still doing the edit for July for the book and I’m at a bit about David Hall, E2, July 2011… RADIO-BOY, Crack02, Darsevid… who fucking played the radio all fucking night int he shelter… How funny… Same shit, different names and place… but same shit! AND… in the “Vermont” I was SO looking forward to coming to back then. Ah… no matter where we go… there’s always shit. (On the bottoms of your shoes or in the midst of your life.) – 22.18 half through July 2011 and what a lesson is in there about all the abuse I put up with from Estremo! SHIT! – And now I’d like to go for a final smoke but do NOT want that lard-thing about me! OH THE FUCKING FEELING OF BEING TRAPPED! Well… – OH I FOUND THE IMAGES FROM MONOGRAM! THEY NEED WORK BECAUSE OF POOR QUILAITY BUT I FOUND THEM TODAY! –

Thu.19.Nov: 6.17 Woke before the alarm and waited to hear B leave for work. Next thing… the 6.00 alarm. Oh well. – Up from a smoke. It’s WARM out there. Rain in the forecast today at 10.00. – How strange, but my right thigh is STILL NUMB from that PAINFUL WEDNESDAY! – It’s really rather interesting but, working on this book is screwing my entire attitude round… into NASTY! I’m not just recounting, reviewing those days… I’m ‘RE-LIVING” them! And my “existence” is more “there” now than “here”. I’m getting stuck back in those days… in this book! – I have work to get done at Jacquie’s this week-end… for her (and my wash and a shower too… the shower’s been a week since the last one.. it’s time). – It’s awful how I start each and every day with so much ANXIETY! Because of lost storage, and the car now. ALWAYS… DAY COMMENCE WITH ANXIETIES! I NEED TO SHAKE THE ANXIETIES! – And I wonder why my neck up into my head hurts all the time now too. Oh well… – Look at this… 23.34 and I’m actually EXHAUSTED! – I’m still working on July on the book at this evening wiped out a bunch of edits because I was about to doze off! I’ve spent the whole day on the book, save for moments at Jacquie’s taking care of Hallie. – Oh, and I was invited, AGAIN to dine at the pit… but … dodged with bad stomach. I see… THE FREAK POSTED SHIT TO THE FB PAGE ABOUT GOING FOR SURGERY YESTERDAY TO HAVE A BROKEN SHOULDER REPAIRED WHICH IS ALL DUE TO HIS 2 LANDLORDS. (I HAVE A SCREEN CAPTURE OF THE POST… THE SHIT-BAG!) I told B&L about it. – Well… Hallie-baby had dinner and I had a slice of pizza and the left-over couscous mixed with some left-over butternut squash. (Meal) – I’ve taken 2 AlevePM and am hoping for “good” sleep tonight. – There’s much left to fix on the “July” book but I’m just too TOO tired right now. – So… I’m off for the night… listening to the rain.

Fri.20.Nov: 6.23 Itook 2 Aleve last night and am groggy this mornig. And pain in the left leg too. Am I falling apart slowly? (Ihopenot) Or do I need exercise? Since Istarted the boook I’ve not walked.- The car is today’s anxiety. And work to be done for Jacquie. Anxieties in the morning. I’m awake. – 10.12 L. was no sooner up and in the parlour and… head-bangey rock music cranked up! THIS is going to make for “intresting” I expected this, and here it is. Well, if it all comes to it, I’ll bring the lap-top to Jacquie’s, take the recliner in the parlour there and work. Or… I might even set-up work space in the room I repaired! Wouldn’t that be nice? Indeed, now that there’s day-light in there. – 11.05 and the house has gone so quiet! I heard L. speaking earlier. I wonder. I’m going for a ‘moke now though. 4 pages on the book… done. – 16.52 at jacquie’s. Worked ALL day here on the book. It took me from 11.00 until 16.00 today. 3 hours just to get one day in July corrected! But I got my bed-lines washed and dried and when I’ done with my dinner here (chicken dinners) I’ll get me showered too and the clothes I’m wearing washed as well… CLEAN! – The sun is down though…So much for Shabbat this time. But hey! It’s ok… – I want to cut my hari a bit too… for Sunday. We’ll see how that goes. I’m in over-drive at the oment/ – When I got over to the pit at about 16.15 there was nobody there! I woner… I think it’s pay-day for B. so they may ahve gone Tksgvg shopping? (I would have liked to help with that. I wonder….) – OK. Eat and RUN…. and get this day done. I cant wait to get to bed and back to work on the book! – 21.52 CLEAN ME IN CLEAN BED IN CLEAN SWEATS AND 83% THROUGH THE FIRST EDIT OF THE BOOK! July is on. The most recent full edit SOME-HOW got put into the “Recycle Bin”… DELETED! WTF? Thankfully I found it. – Now I have to get through the “catch-,22up” with THIS journal! But not tonight. Now, it’s time for peppermint tea and a Woopie pie and then… a nap… I hope. Hey, I didn’t get one during the day today. Hopefully I’ll make up for it tonight. – Radio on. Montréal Classique. Nice.. soothing. And B&L in the parlour. May it be peaceful… PLEASE DAMNIT! – Shabbat Shalom. –

Sat.21.Nov: 7.29 The 61st wedding anniversary of the most wonderful woman ever born… to the biggest piece of the most worthless piece of unadulterated shit ever created. – And now… to the month of August. 2011 in the book. – 23.23 Very tired and ready to collapse so, briefly… The day went along… This morning I fed Hallie her breakfast and whilst… brought in wood for stove there. Came back to the pit hoping to get more work on the book, but helped Bob clear the back area by shed. It does look MUCH better and I AM rather amazed at how much work he did back there. It looks wonderful! He’s amazing. – Worked on the book for the month of “August 2011”. HATEFUL SHIT!!! that Estremo family!!!! And Melanie in PIC… what a total FUCK! – “Dined” with the Gliddens: 2 slices pizza with B&L. – Jacquie got back home after sun-down. Honestly… what in the fuck does she MUST do instead of coming home to HER dog an such? It annoys me. But I haven’t seen nor heard and I’m not concerned. – Tomorrow, she’s throwing Thanksgiving dinner there and I’m probably not going. In fact, I’ll be doing all that I can to avoid going. She’ll have the Babcocks, her Maryrose and her kid, probably Jes and Kerry. But I truly don’t want to be so bothered… and truth be told, I’ve got MUCH work to do on this BOOK and I’d much prefer to get to that. – Well, right now I’m “tired” but really not so much. Debating whether to have a last smoke… Nope… to sleep (I hope). Another Shabbat….

Sun,22,Nov; 5.40 I just woke. no reason just woke so coffee’s on and I’m up and here we go with the day! YAY!
7.49 stayed up. 6 more pages on the book. Bob is up, cooking bkfst. And I can’t get internet! DAMN! – 23.33 AUGUST 2011 FOR THE BOOK IS COMPLETE AND MERGED! I JUST FINISHED IT MINUTES AGO (before the final smoke of the day). – And at this moment, there’s the bass from the T down-stairs because HLS is ensconced, having had “several smokes” during the course of this evening and is now parked on the recliner, stuffing its face with chimichangas or such bull-shit. Honestly, indeed, it’s as Jacquie’s friend there Liz said: “He’s a spoiled brat. Always was. And there’s nothing more than can be said about it.” Poor Bob… I wonder how he sleeps through the bull-shit. As ’tis said “Spoiled Brat” with NO consideration for anybody else. – That said… I DODGED THE DINNER AT JACQUIE’S TODAY! YAY! 10 people were to have been. 2 Babcocks, 2 Maryroses, Jacquie and I, Pam and Dave, and… I’m not sure who the other 2 were. But, I didn’t get to see Jacquie until noon today, beacuse I worked on the book all morning. I didn’t want to be at dinner anyway, so I feigned (only partially because it was almost quite true) a bad stomach. But, she was busy cooking so it made no difference and we chatted. Then I left her at about 14.00 and she told me to be sure to come back at about 16.30 or so. Well… at 16.00 I actually called her, from the pit, from the room, via the Gvoice to say I was feeling terrible. She told me that Harold would miss me and to come over if I felt better during the evening. (Obviously, I didn’t… I worked on the book… AUGUST all through the day.) – But I got hornswaggled into dining at the pit. Bob grilled boneless chicken and I noted that when I got to the table he and HLS had already put the chicken on their plates and the piece that was left was truly quite small. Oh well… This place isn’t notorious for “hospitality” but it was nice to be invited to dine with them. AND… we had “my” corn and I got 2 ears of that. And yes, it is quite good, even after having been frozen. – Now.. as for August 2011? FUCK THAT MARIA ESTREMO AND HER BLOODY-FUCKING BRATS! It’s HELL going over that again! She should be about 90 years old by now… and I HOPE she’s still hanging in there… and in need of “Home Care” so somebody can give her a good dose of what she deserves… like being left in shit and piss for a day or more. Nasty qunt! – AND… that was the month of Hurricane Irene and the Park Avenue Shelter! AND… the “earthquake”. Quite the difficult month that one! But as I finished it, I realised what unadulterated misery and Hell I’ve managed to make it through.. and so few people know about and fewer still will ever know. Maybe in this new version, I can get others to read it. – I’m pondering printing a few copies and hand-binding them to sell at, 49,95$ or something like that. “Limited Editions” as it were. It might be interesting. Especially “hand-bound” by the author? Who knows? We’ll see. Pondering too, “advanced orders”. We shall see about that as well. – But all said, re-living this is murder on the body and mind. Truly, I haven’t been feeling all too well since I got into it again. It’s honestly IS “re-living”. – And I note that the “V” key on this piece of shit lap-top is “skipping”. I have to Hoover the key-board again. SOOON. – Anyway, I’m HUNGRY and nothing to nosh on. I’m having my tea before sleep and going for a “browse” and then hopefully to sleep to wake again, tomorrow morning, EARLY!

Mon.23.Nov: 7.21 Slept throught the alarms this morning. Oh well. – Temperature is about zero this morning. Crisp. Tummy’s a bit “off” for real. I’d like to sleep-in. But… Sept. and Oct. to do on the book. And so much for this journal too. Eventually. – Need to get into Enosburgh too, but not sure if the car will make it. – Good morning… anxieties. – A bag of pellets spilled and I got it off the floor already. Hmm… oh well. – Another day. – 22.26 AND I’VE DONE 25 PAGES TODAY! September 2011… 25 pages out of 40 (thus far)! I am impressed! And, this evening, I was invited to dine… corn-dogs… TWO! with chips! Now then… a quick note I’d typed this morning: 12.46 HLS has awakened. Stopped at the door to ask “Have you fed the girls?” I only answered “No.” because I’m editing. Besides… that one needs to take some responsibility for something that is techinically “his”! SHIT! Meanwhile.. the quiet of the morning is gone… thumpy-thump-ba-boom-boom is now rising through the floor. – And, I must comment: this fucking room is COLD at 18°! – 14.29 the radio is rolling into Christmas music already! O JOLLY FUCK! – That said… Going through this Journal is telling me things I’d forgotten and this evening… music that I had PURCHASED from “iTunes” and is GONE some-how! But I managed to get 2 more pieces of music on this evening… from YouTube. Fuck these people. If they want money… go to Apple and iTunes and get it from them. I PAID for music that THEY’VE taken from me. So… I get it back in my own fashion… tough shit to the others. – I never did get to see Jacquie today and tomorrow Ms. Hallie goes back to the vet for her check on the surgery. Hopefully all’s well over there. – And now, as I listen to “Music To the Moon”, Antonin Dvorak, played on violin by Andre Rieu, I hear the bass from the parlour and I’m off to a smoke before it gets to be mid-night. And tomorrow? I SHOULD TRY to get to the market in Enosburgh because I need peppermint tea. I’ll ponder that. Today it was TOO cold for a walk back in case of break-down. (I’m a wuss… and I don’t care.) – Now, as much as it troubles me to do so, because I’ll HAVE to put up with the delays of HLS stuffing the weed pipe and shit, I’m off to my “nigh-night ‘moke” and then… to nigh-night! – 23.32 DONE! I just did a rough “map” of my daily travels in NYC on the subways, drawing a black line over the trains and routes, and tonight, it actually brought tears. I miss NYC… “MY” NYC! But to go back? No. I don’t believe I ever will. “MY” NYC is gone now. There is NO “going back”… there’s nothing to go “back” to… anymore.

Tue.24.Nov: 6.15 *** SNOW ***Chilly morning, this. And anxieties are UP! The car. The book. The CIBC account. My stomach. I realised that the only thing I ate all day yesterday was 2 corn dogs. Oh well. And there’s a slightest dusting of snow about. Well, well. Here we go. – But the quickness of Sept. 2011 is a comfort. – Early enough. On with the day… in the dark. – 9.20 WELL! THERE IT IS: THE FIRST “PLOW” OF THE YEAR. The little flurries of this morning have turned to out-right “SNOW”. So much so that the plow had to come through… and it was the State, not the local doo-dads. And apparently there’s a bit of a slick under it because one of the doo-dads just came “UP” the road, in front of the house, (in the wrong direction, of course) and slid a touch. Honestly… this is supposed to be the “Winter-intelligent” people… Instead, it’s the idiots and morons… they’re all a bunch of “Dougs”… “I got me a 4-wheel drive vee-hickle and I don’t scare a shit ’bout no snow.” OK Zippie, off the road you go then. Oh dear oh well then. – And to think: I was going to try and get the Subaru out and to the market today. Nope. Not in this I won’t. – 24.02 Just got to the last month in the book only to find that “October, 2011” is a MESS! I hope that isn’t the way the damned thing got published! When I think of Robin and Gwyn and all the shit that happened on the last days in Richford, and how Robin came into the house and simply pulled the computer… essentially shoving me into publication! Well, that’s for another journal in another book. Still… – I went over to see Jacquie this evening, rather late, at about 18.30 or so. I was going to get some carrots for Lyle tomorrow, when today’s snow is expected to melt away and as I walked into the kitchen I see a PILE of carrots at the sink! She’d gone and dug them ALL up! Honestly! If you skip ONE step in this town, there’s some “sea-gull” swoopiing down to grab your catch! The entire fucking garden went that way! And she’s got the audacity to STILL “scold” ME because of all the beans that went bad! Hey! Buncha-scavengers! What in Fux name did *I* get out of that garden this year, save, many-a-day’s work? Blow it all out your collective arses. Luckily, I got a bunch of carrots to bring back (and now, of course, HLS wants MORE). Oh well… – It’s been a long day and I’m damned tired. Good night

Wed.25.Nov: 6.23 Chilly. Ready to get back to “October” in the book. Happy B’day Viv. 57 yrs. and, in my humblest opinion… you truly are rather wacked. And I still feel that the main purpose of the “re-uniting” stunt was for the help you could get. Honestly… to think that it was SO difficult to simply log-on for a moment to send a quick “Salut” or something. But I’ll bet there was plenty of time to play that “slot-shit” on-line. Oh well… It won’t happen again. Ever. Still… happy 57th. – This morning, as I had my smoke, a thought came to mind:
Remember how as a child, holidays had a certain “charge” to them? There was a “spark” in the air, some anticipation of glee and all sorts of energy… and now its just another day.
23.24 FIRST RE-WRITE ON THE BOOK IS DONE (I COMPLETED THE LAST OF THE MONTH OF OCTOBER 2011 AT ABOUT 19.00THIS EVENING)! The whole month was a mess! I don’t know HOW I managed to leave it in that state and condition but it took about 2 days to “clean up”. And even at that, it’s not “exactly” corrected. But it reads well and the facts are there. Seriously… it was amazing, reading the bull-shit that Marilyn Estremo pulled, and the absolute lies her mother, Maria spattered about. Not to mention all of the “extra hours” that I worked there, just to keep that fucking job, and never got paid… never mind, a “thank you”! WHAT a bunch of fucking nasty-shits. AND… the letter that I got from Partners In Care, accepting my resignation… that’s GONE! Well… it’s as I’ve said:
To live in the past is Depression.
To live in the future is Anxiety.
The best I can hope for at this point is that there truly is some kind of “Karma” and that there it truth that evil is addressed accordingly. May the Estremos get their due, and, Nanette… the “BFF” get hers. (I’ll never forget: She wanted to send a cheque… all I asked for was a phone call. People… can’t trust any of them for anything.) – Time to kill this day. Rejoice… the re-write is complete… the story lives on!

Thu.26.Nov: 4.05 Apparently, I’ve gotten my “sleep” in for the night. In spite of the fact that I’ve got that “sinus” situation going on again in the right side of the head and the tooth-aches that go with. But here I am, awake, before alarms, and have had my morning coffee an smoke. – The moon is so full, the sky, so clear this morning that the back-yard is absolutely ILLUMINATED! There’s an almost-warm, constant breeze blowing so that, standing out there, having my smoke, was AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL! JUST BEAUTIFUL! What a delight, this “Thanksgiving” morning! – And now, with the “text” of the book done, I’m going to try and catch up with this Journal. (This one is up to 20 pages already… which is going to be difficult, I’m imagining, to get onto the digital. But.. here it goes. Waste not a moment.) – 4.41 THE TOOTH PAIN IS HITTING HARD NOW! Doesn’t it figure: the back pain starts to become tolerable, and now THIS! NEVER let me be with-out PAIN!!! NEVER! I’m going to try and see what happens if I take the “AlevePM” this morning. Maybe the antihistamine that’s supposed to knock one out will help with the sinuses. If not… I’ll sleep the day away. (But be awake to take Ms. Hallie out.) – 4.48 Took 2 Aleve… let’s see if they do. – 5.41 the pain is still there and now I’m weary… NAP TIME!!! (No more than a NAP!) – 9.41 And it certainly was nap time! Just waking! -10.17 OO! The antihistamine is still in a bit. I can feel the Earth turning. But at least the pain is rather gone. – Now… to try to get on with this day. – (Saturday) It was and did get on withe the “day”. WORK ON THE BOOK! Trying to get it organised. I need to re-write the introduction for this edition. And in between, going to Jacquie’s to attend Hallie. And being sightly distracted with the photos I want to include in this one. But, it kept me in the room and busy… ALL DAY! – This evening I got hornswaggled into dining… A “tuna pattie” with peas. Not much, but it was really quite tasty. – Then… back to Ms. Hallie until the last visit at about 20.00. – Back to the pit for more work on the book. – Thanksgiving, 2015. Right then… the end.

Fri.27.Nov: (on Saturday morning here) The day? It was. I woke at around 6.00, and then snoozed a bit. – B&L were up and cooking by about 9.00 (B, of course, earlier than that.) And me? I got to the work on the book until about 10.00 when I went to get Ms. Hallie her breakfast… and whilst there, got my bed-linens washed. (Oh yay!) AND cleaned and set-up the wood stove, and brought more wood into the house there. (And later, more pellets into the pit here… And I “don’t work”. Imagine that.) – PAINFUL TOO this morning…..!!!! MY BOWELS! CONSTANAT RUNNING TO THE LOO! I don’t know what I ate but what-ever it was, it certainly did quite the damage on my intestines! All through the morning, I was on the bowl! It wasn’t much that came through, but OH GAHD WAS IT PAINFUL! – Thankfully, by about 11.00, and after about 4 trips to the RUN, it subsided. Hopefully, what-ever was in there is gone! It was a re-living of the “leaded days” in the shelter! Maybe something was in last night’s tuna? I don’t know. Oh well… How strange to think of the miserable diet I had in the shelter, back then, and THEN, the thing that got me was the lead in the water. Hmmmm…. – At least THIS episode passed. – The day was FULL of photo-image work for the book. I’ve decided to try and make them look as if they’re photos, mounted on the pages. So I made the “little corners” and went searching through all the images I still have… of Occupy Wall Street, the tree, the beach… and all sorts of places and such. That occupied the day… indeed. – Then, round about 16.30, back to get Ms. Hallie out for a “business”… back to the pit for more work on the book until… their Eric and his José arrived. Well, I was stuck… HAD to join for dinner this evening. I was SO hoping I could dodge, but… I also wanted to shower BEFORE dinner but that didn’t quite work. – Dinner was really delicious! AND… we had squash, and beans with almonds, carrot salad… from… THE GARDEN! YAY! I got a REAL MEAL from the garden! AT LAST! – A note: José actually spoke at table and, yes, an accent. He mentioned that his mother lives in New York and when I asked “Where?”… of course… The BRONX! On Orloff Avenue! KINGSBRIDGE! (Although he said “vanCort”.) Imagine… Apparently he has family here, in VT and they’re moving back to The Bronx, because it’s “boring” up here. Right. (This evening, whilst having a ‘moke with L. I made mention of the fact that Latinos fail to speak English properly until well into about the 5th generation. Not, mind, that I was “instigating”. But…. It annoys the shit out of me. That, and to think they’re still pulling their shit in… The Bronx. Oh well. I suppose it’s best they stay there, since I moved up here to get away from them.) – At about 19.00 I went back to Jacquie’s to get dinner for Ms. Hallie and to wash ME and my clothes. When I returned to the pit at about 21.00, Eric and José were gone, I missed dessert but I don’t mind that at all. (I had apple-cheese-cake at Jacquie’s.) – And with clean me, clean bed, clean clothes, I got back to the photos for the book. – Another “AlevePM” night, this. I DO believe there’s something about Hallie that sets my sinuses off. It’s bad only after being over there for a while. But… so much for that. – (Addendum: I SO CRASHED AT ABOUT 23.30 TONIGHT! THE ALEVE AND THE DAY SLAMMED INTO ME JUST BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP! BOOM!)

Sat.28.Nov: 8.34 and it feels like it should be Sunday. I slept through the 6.00 alarm. But that’s OK because it’s another dreary morning, and chilled. But I put nothing on yesterday and never finished Thursday so….. CATCH-UP TIME! (So much working on the book!) – IT WAS UTTER HELL TRYING TO FALL ASLEEP LAST NIGHT!!! I WAS SO TIRED WHEN I PUT THE LIGHTS OUT THAT I COULDN’T KEEP MY EYES OPEN BUT, AS SOON AS MY HEAD WENT TO THE PILLOWS… I COULDN’T GET COMFORTABLE AND MY BODY WENT INTO “WAKE”. I don’t know what time I finally did fall asleep, but that was horrible! – (9.13 and I’ve only just caught up with everything on this “desk-top” version of this journal. 22 PAGES! that go back to October! I need to get this on-line!) – 23.41 Another day of mostly working on the images for the book and most of them are DONE! Just the ones from the shelter and they’re complete. AND I learnt that I can choose form the directory, copy, past right into the document! OH! That’s a relief! I thought I’d have to make all sorts of tables… BUT I DON’T! OH THANK YOU! Of course, OpenOffice runs like MSWord… and the images don’t always do what I want. But I an work round that. AND I can adjust sizes and such! So that’s a relief as well. So, the only thing really left to do is re-write the Intro, check a few things in the text, pop in the images and OFF TO SALES! (And these had better be better than the last!) – Other than that, I’m feeling poorly about poor Hallie, over there alone. But she’s been out thrice today. I didn’t spend much time with her and I’m rather sorry about that. But the truth of the matter is: I’m sick of these people who have dogs and won’t take any responsibility for them! I mean, OK. Jacquie pays me for the services. But still… NOT MY DOG! And here, in the pit, I have to make certain that these two get out to pee, AND I had to fill the water bowl again! Fuck these people! Seriously! Makes me pissed off beyond words. – Well.. it’s later than I wanted to be awake… Oh, and for dinner this evening: 3 chicken patties…cooked in the micro over at Jacquie’s… on rolls with mustard… and cookie for dessert which I had whilst working on images. – And now? For a bit of a “browse” on the soc.med. and then hopefully to sleep. THEY were asleep until about 16.00 today so there’s a chance they’ll be awake until late. – It’s chilled tonight. I wonder what this room will be like in the morning. But for most of the day I’ve had the door open and the temperature’s been about 21-22°. Rather nice… and shocking, I must say. – I have to get this on-line soon… page 22 already on the “document”. Goodness me!

Sun.29.Nov: 3.02 Just putting m head to the pillow. – 8.27 and 5 hours later… here we go again. That was a not-so-refreshing “nap”. But I woke before the 8.00 alarm to “la Maladie d’Amour”, Michel Sardou. Memories d’Montréal. Ca ce peut tu? – Well the day went, and ended. I got Hallie her breakfast and started the wood stove. – Jacquie actually returned early… by about 14.00! I went over at about 16.00 and we chatted for a bit. Kerry and Jes came by to have dinner and I ducked out. But Jes said that he has an interest in the book! (I wonder.) – Came back to the pit, had a tin of “Chunky “ soup with 2 rolls… that was it for all day. I live on 300 calories per day (again). But.. – SPELLCHECK ON THE BOOK TONIGHT! It’s slow, but it’s toward the END! – By about 23.30 I was so tired that I finally gave up and gave in and lights out. Hey! I’d been awake since 8.00 and ran on only 5 hours of sleep! Not too shoddy.

Mon.30.Nov: 6.03 and 16° in the room this morning. I’ve got the little heater running for a little while. – Tomorrow, the car is no longer registered, insured. And the inspection is due. I’ve got no car again. Tomorrow. The joys of waking to another day… not. – Back to the book now, before the sun rises on this frosty morn. (Even the windows are frosted… ’tis Winter… again.) – WELL!!!! THIS DAY was another one spent working on the book ALLLLLL DAY! – But this evening, as I took my break on the FB… KRISTIE MARCEAUX from Louisiana posts that she’s bought “BITTER-SWEET BITTERNESS”! NOOOOOO!!!! I immediately private-message to her to get her money back and offer her a FREE copy of the new book! She doesn’t want a FREE copy and offered to buy BOTH! WELL.. I’ll see how I feel when I get this one completed, but now that I see how much SHIT got by Nancy Lloyd and Eduardo Wilder… the “editors-in-fucktard-shit”, I truly WANT to RE-WRITE THAT one too! (I actually MUST.) So, we left it all at that until I get this one done. – At about 18.30 I took a break and toddled over to see Jacquie… and Jes and Kerry were there, having DINNER! I got rather hornswaggled into joining them for a bit of beef stew (that HAD to be made with the veggies from the garden… again… others are eating… and the one who really did nothing to keep the garden growing gets the best of it all but… fuck me… that’s my “life”). I didn’t stay long… as a matter of fact, I did leave with J&K at about 20.00. But just to note: as we were leaving, Jacquie said something to them about finding something to do in Montréal on Sunday. I wonder… Not that I can afford to go at this time, But… I wonder… – And so, I was back to the room, back to the book and noshing on all sorts of junk… I’ve had ENTIRELY TOO MUCH SUGAR THIS EVENING… and I can feel it. – 1.30 on Tuesday morning now and NOW I’m going to get into bed and TRY for a “nap”. Hopefully I’ll wake early enough tomorrow to get back to the book and get this work DONE!