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Mon.02.Apr: 8.46 No sooner managed to get out of the bed at about 5.45, IN PAIN, of course... the right side again... wanting so much to just stay there, in the bed, under the blankets... But I'm glad I did get up because I was only JUST getting dressed when, at 6.11... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... and my ONLY reason for getting up, taking breath, was awake and calling. My Little Guy, my Heart-and-Soul. - Dreary morning. SO in contrast to yesterday. Now to see if Mass-hole will show-up today... It would be nice to receive a call but... At any rate, the rent won't be available until tomorrow... and I'm not posting until this loo-shit-fiasco is addressed anyway. I really can't give a shit any more. - My chest is “heavy”. And I'm pondering a quick run for groceries in about half an hour. I need bananas. They seem to be helping with the “contractions” so I don't want to play with that. A night of NOT getting up and roaming the floors... Doesn't make me any less exhausted during the day, but it's a delight to stay in bed through a night... - 15.30 AT LAST... THE JOURNALS FOR YESTERDAY ARE POSTED TO THE SERVER! (I STILL HAVE A LOAD OF PHOTOS FOR YONAH TO GET THROUGH... NOT TO MENTION THE OTHER IMAGES THAT I'VE BEEN WORKING ON/WITH...) - I DID MAKE IT TO THE MARKET THIS MORNING... ROLLED THERE AND BACK AND THE “CHECK BRAKE” LIGHT IS STILL OFF. BUT... THERE'S SOME KIND OF GRINDING GOING ON WITH ONE OF THE WHEELS AND... WHEN I DOWN-SHIFTED TO COME INTO THE DRIVE, THERE WAS SOME KIND OF HORRIBLE NOISE UNDER THE TRUCK... PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THE TRANSMISSION IS GOING NOW! HONESTLY... IT'S LOOKING LIKE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE OUT A MAJOR LOAN FOR MAJOR WORK ON THIS TRUCK... AND I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF SUCH A THING BEFORE JANUARY 2023! AND EVEN THEN, I DON'T WANT TO BE STRAPPED WITH “PAYMENTS”. AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD ANOTHER “NEWER” TRUCK! MASS-HOLE BITCHES BECAUSE HE GOT HIS FOR 5k! AT THE RATE SHIT'S GOING THESE DAYS... THE ONLY WAY THAT COULD EVEN BE A REMOTE DREAM IS IS THIS CURRENT FEDERAL REGIME IS THROWN OUT AND REPLACED... but I don't see THAT ever happening. If anything, this is the government that will NEVER be replaced... We're “Communist” now, a dictator-ship that isn't going any-where any time too soon. So? I'll die with this old truck... probably sitting in the yard rusting away... or sold off or hauled off as scrap metal. - ANYWAY... bananas in the house, ice cream, 4lbs of beef in the freezer for meat-laof again. SALE! BYGO! I've NEVER taken advantage of such nonsense but today... well... that's TWO meat-loaves... And there's chicken in there... and there's chicken that's been in jerk for a couple of days now... I might throw that into the oven tomorrow... Hey... if Mass-hole shows up then (as I expect), the house will smell of “exotic cooking”... Fuck. - And so... I've had TWO naps all day. It's over-cast and not really “cold” but the furnace has been running. And I'm FUCKING TIRED anyway. It's another painful sort of day. Oh well... If I end up being hauled out of here... I'll be on the wire to a lawyer... fucktards... Malpractice. - OH... and NO WORD FROM THE CLINIC about my CT! So yeah... LAWYER! If I make it through what-ever this is... Yonah and I will have a nice place... to be sure. - OK... moving on... there are things to do... and I'm not doing them. - 20.27 Well, those “things”? Most never got done. I didn't get to Yonah's photos either. But that's most because I tend to get lost trying to find a complete, functional way to display them all as a continuing “slide” with-out making more pages on the his site. There are another 26-30 to be added and each one gets a page so... I know it can be done so that one page of coding will run through all almost 1500 photos (and those ought to be edited and such too but THAT'S LOT of work because pages will have to be eliminated and the all the pages will have to be re-numbered and re-coded accordingly... oh well.) BUT it was a GREAT day... of course... My Little Guy and I were together... “PERFECT”! And I made it to market... AND BACK! - Draw-back? Mass-hole never showed. Oh well... I have a 5-day “grace” with rent and as long as it's post-marked by the 5th... fukkit. IF he shows tomorrow, I'll ask if he wants it in hand. If not? Then not. I don't care... I just don't believe he'll come to fix this issue with the basin and the qunt's washer. (I REALLY should have sabotaged it when I had the chance. I'd considered... I don't know what stopped me! Live and learn.) - Other-wise... well... 2 snoozes, neither of which were really of any value. The sun never broke through. But... fine. - Meal? I finished the meat-loaf tonight... I might cook the jerk chicken tomorrow or... I'll have pasta. What-ever. - And tomorrow... BILL PAYING AND CHATTING WITH NYSEG BECAUSE I AM NOT PAYING THEM 180$! I'M NOT PAYING THEM 90$! And I have to call Richie about a brake job... which will help me figure the rest of the finances I don't/won't have for the month. Oh well... Tomorrow is tomorrow... we'll see how it goes... when it's tomorrow night. - Right now, Yonah's Journal is coded... caught up (text) and it's 20.37 and I'm tired and it's time for nosh and rack! I ought to re-fill some teeth tonight too... we shall see... As long as there's peroxide to cleanse... What-ever. - No word from Deborah today. I hope all's well down there. Her daughter was in ER with “chest pains” and the couldn't find anything... FAMILIAR! And now she's waiting to get to her doctor. FAMILIAR! Which reminds... Gee... no word from Demuro today... FAMILIAR!!! I hope I can gt the brakes done and figure a new MD... not, mind, that I'm expecting to find a civil, ACTUAL doctor any more. But... getting out of the “UVM” system will be a bit of a relief... even if a trip to medical IS 100mi away... Here we go again... rolling along the Northway! The more things change... “You're livin' the dream! - Post-time! - 20.45 POSTED to the servers! BUT WHAT THE FUCK? THE FURNACE IS RUNNING! IT DOESN'T FEEL THAT COLD IN HERE! JEEZUS! HAD I NOT GOTTEN THAT “EMERGENCY”... FUCK ME! - 22.13 ANOTHER FUCKING NIGHT. I just need to get up, get to the rack by 21.30 and that's that. Now to HOPE for NO DAMNED BLOODY CONTRACTIONS... every night... every night... every night... FUCK.
Tue.03.May: GAVE ALDEN THE RENT CHEQUE, IN HIS HAND, IN RITA'S CELLAR AT ABOUT NOON
8.24 OK.. so I was up and about already at 5.40, and don't really know “why”... But I managed to get up, get the kettle on and by 6.00, was on-line and.. by 6.39 BILLS PAID! (Only thing pending: the “interbanque”... but I want to transfer money for brakes... if that's going to happen this month and that's not “sure” as yet.) - FOUND A WAY TO MAKE A “CARD PAYMENT” FOR NYSEG AND PAID THE *BUDGET* I AGREED TO AND NOT THE ONE THEY SLAMMED AT ME! I WAS GOING TO CALL THEM FIRST, BUT WHEN I DISCOVERED THAT I COULD SIMPLY PAY WHAT I WANTED... I DID THAT. NOW, WE WAIT FOR THE CALL AND THE WHINING AND THREATS. OH WELL... I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'VE NEITHER FUX NOR SCHITZ TO GIVE. - AND YES... I AM IN PAIN AGAIN THIS MORNING! FROM THE GENERAL PAIN TO THE “CONSTRICTIONS”... I have to wonder if the “constrictions” aren't the muscle contractions from the legs, and if that's what they are, what causes them. Oh well... We made it through yesterday... let's see that we make it through today too. (Imagine the added stress of driving back to the ER... NO BRAKES! Oddly, somebody posted to the Twats yesterday, the horrors of “doctors” these days. Between Deborah and that, it's fucking repulsive! “Doctors” are just another money-making bunch of shits.) - OK... and the radio says “It's 8.33”... and we wait for the arrival of the Mass-hole. - Yonah called at 6.39 this morning and... WHAT A LOVE! Honestly... if not for him... I'd be checked-out... truly, madly, deeply, sincerely. - For now... on we go with the day... - At least the house is “in order”. Fukkit. - 12.02 Well... had a lovely dead-end chat with Mass-hole, in the garage... and he's in the qunt's cellar... And me? I'm just at wits' end but... - 20.26 Well... Mass-hole was here until 14.00, “snaking”. He had the qunt give it a try with an empty run of the washer before he left and it seemed to be OK UNTIL... 16.00, the qunt made another wash and I had to phone MH... It'll be back tomorrow. - Honestly though, I asked him about the accusations of “You tell your family to park...” and all he could say is something about the war in Ukraine and the cost of kerosene and to simply “consider the source”. Now, I wonder if he knows she's a complete fuck or he just won't get involved. BUT... when I called him to tell him that the washer is backing-up again, he suggested I cover the basin and go tell the qunt not to make any more washes! I SHOULD TELL HER!? OH HELL NO! So... it'll be back tomorrow. - Meanwhile... I'm tired... I BELIEVE I HAVE THAT SCRIPT I WANT FOR YONAH'S PHOTOS! IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING QUITE WELL. THE ONLY THING I DON'T LIKE IS DEPENDING ON GGL FOR A SCRIPT BUT... IT SEEMS MANY SITES DO SO... IF I MUST... I SHALL. AT LEAST I CAN GET RID OF EXTRA PAGES... ALL THOSE INDIVIDUAL PAGES FOR EACH PHOTO! TOMORROW... I'LL GIVE IT A TRY. HEY! I'VE NO PLACE TO GO TO, DON'T WANT TO RUN THE TRUCK, WILL HAVE TO BE HERE WHILST MASS-HOLE'S HERE SO... - For now... 20.31... I'm off to nosh, teeth and bed! I need to be up and about and awake and alert tomorrow... WE HAVE MUCH WORK TO DO FOR YONAH'S WEB-SITE! - 21.50 CLOSER... Now, let's see how well I do... in bed. A little reading? “A little”! Off to the rack! Tomorrow... that'll take care of itself... when it arrives. Thankfully, I'm TIRED!
Wed.04.May: 7.15 Yonah is up, sitting on his roof-top and SO SO SO VOCIFEROUS this morning! - Fresh nectar in the hummie-feeder. - Grey skies. Breezy. Not too warm but not too cool. And the morning is rolling. - Meanwhile, my upper torso is “tight” and “sore”, head is a bit “floaty”. But... away we go... - I was OOB at about 6.40, “regular” time. And managed, after a chapter of “Grisha”, to sleep “well”... with 2 loo-trips. Had to pee... Well, I did stop that “prostate” shit. Oh well... at least it wasn't contractions. - MUCH to DO today... and Mass-Hole is due back. Alas. - Oh... e-mail from Chase about the application for the card: they want proof of address. If they don't hear in 14 days, the application is dropped. I'm letting it drop. “Fate” knows best. Let it go. I was stupid to even try. - 9.20 Journals are up to-date... just need posting to server. THEN? Yonah's “Photo Slides”... and hoping the coding works for 1000s! - AND... Mass-hole... let's see if he shows up. - I'm tired now though... SNOOZE! I hope. - 13.51 The “CLINIC” called at about 13.00... the order is in for the CT. AND I cleared-up the situation with CVPH... and... AND... come to find out, *I* have to call them to make the next appointment AND, although I can go for the “test” in Liztoon... it's up to CVPH how far in advance the test is to be done! So I have to call to find out what time-line I'm looking at AND... the order/approval is good only until... Sunday-week! FUKTARDZ! - Mean-while... Richie says brakes... MINIMUM 300! BUT... that's ONLY THE LINES! (I have a caliper job on record... of... back THEN... by Richie... 495! SO... I'm not looking at having brakes for the entire month of May! So much for so much. WE will NOT be travelling this month. Good thing I have nothing planned... and, that scraps the echo, to be sure. Thankfully t he CT can be done locally. - And... Mr. Mass-hole has been working next door from since about 11.00... and, as we chatted through the door this morning, he let it be known that he phone the qunt and, “She's not too pleased.” TOO FUCKING BAD! - I've already had a 30-minute snooze this morning... but I'm about to try for another... - Working on Yonah's photos... It's slow... BUT IT'S WORKING... with the first 50 photos... But I'm going to have to go through and “modify” because there are VERY similar photos... I'm just taking them from the “Bilder” directory. There's “clean-up” needed on the server.
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Now... TODAY, we had THE MOST NOVEL experiences... *** NEWS *** “Visitor” at the front door this morning, and I went and answered and we chatted for a while, I standing in-side and he, on the front porch. I had the screen door closed as we talked. As we were talking, I happened to look down and behind me and THERE, ON THE FLOOR, RIGHT BEHIND ME... YONAH! HE'D COME TO THE LIVING-ROOM, NOTICED ME STANDING AT THE DOOR AND WAS SO CURIOUS THAT HE WAS WATCHING... AND LISTENING! So I “introduced” him and recounted his story... and all the while, Yonah just paced a bit, back and forth! NO FEAR OF A NEW PERSON, A NEW VOICE! In one respect, I'm quite happy that he's becoming accustomed to other voices and people, but in another, it's saddening me to think that he's coming to view people NOT as a THREAT any more. I've never wanted him to be “uncomfortable” when other people are IN the house, BUT, I also NEVER wanted him to come to “trust” other people! I don't believe he does, and I don't believe he ever really will. But I'll just have to see how this develops. IF, and I HOPE AND PRAY with my ALL, that this NEVER comes to be, there should come a time when some-body else will have to attend to Yonah, for any length of time, I would like him to be able to “adapt” to a “new people”. (My deepest plan is that I'll be “around” for about not much longer than 15-30 minutes “after” him... He IS my ONLY reason for even bothering to take a next breath, and with-out him, I'm not planning on taking any more than is necessary to make sure that he's “cared-for-and-about”. When his little “spirit” takes to the skies, mine will be right behind, hoping to catch-up to and with his... no matter how.) At present, I see that “other” person being Deborah. She has the kindest heart and soul and she has an “attachment” to Yonah and understands his history... and importance to me. I'd like him to become comfortable with her... just in case. But certainly NO OTHER! Well, as I say, we shall see how this evolves. Mean-while... IT CAME AS QUITE A SURPRISE TO ME TO SEE HIM THERE, AND NOT RUNNING (FLYING) AWAY, AS HE'S ALWAYS DONE WHEN THERE'S ANY-BODY ELSE IN THE HOUSE! Later, I'd stepped out the door and was on the front porch, alone, but I had the screen door open just a bit, behind me. When I turned to step back into the house... YONAH WAS STANDING THERE, AGAIN, RIGHT BEHIND ME! I REALLY HAVE TO MAKE SURE THE SCREEN DOORS ARE SECURELY CLOSED... AT ALL TIMES... NOW. MY LITTLE GUY IS *** ON THE MOVE *** !!! Thankfully, he didn't come TO the open door! I don't know WHAT that would lead to. Would he go “exploring” out there? Would he try to take a flight? Would he simply stay here? And if he “took off”... would he come back to what's been his “home” for over a year? I don't know. WORST: Would he take a flight and be discovered by the local hawk? THAT, my entire being could NOT cope with! SO... from now on... I NEED to be more attentive... Yonah truly is... *** ON THE MOVE ***! I don't want him “trapped”... but I SURELY don't want him injured... or... “taken”. |
16.03 Well... MH left at about 15.30... He had to “vent” her washer! Imagine? Says he, she said that she'd spoken to her son (GOD HELP US! IT HAS A SON TOO!) who is a “handyman”, and he said it sounded like a “venting” problem. NOT, mind, that I didn't say that when Julius was here and I told MH about the back-up. But he doesn't even remember that I said so... over a year ago. Anyway... He says he'll be in town for a few more days AND he'll be back later. They're giving the “cement” on the PVC time to set. We shall see. - Mean-while, I've got 100 photos coded on the new “script” and, as long as there's internet connectivity, it seems to be working. But I believe I'm pulling from the script because a major part of it calls for a Ggle script which is on the “cloud”... imagine that. I don't like the idea but the claim is that it pulls less from the server... MY server. I might have to scratch the “refresh html” or the “script” for the full “Album”. Keep the script for monthly and that's all. I wanted a FULL ALBUM... but then, as I see it, I ought to build the site for others, since, I'm seriously NOT going to be around to look at any of it... after Yonah. For now, I'm rather impressed: I can still “modify scripts! I've still got “that much” of the old brain left up there. - 20.15 SO... MH CALLS AT ABOUT 19.30... TELLS ME HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER, THE QUNT HAS A MACHINE FULL OF WATER AND HE'S GOT A STOP-VALVE FOR ME TO INSTALL ON THE RELEASE FOR THE WASHER IN HERE! FUCK! I WAS JUST GETTING YONAH SETTLED FOR THE NIGHT! OH WELL... ***** BUT... DURING THE TALK ON THE PHONE, QUITE INTERESTING... WE JOKED ABOUT ME HAVING TO CALL HIM AGAIN, TOMORROW EVENING, TO TELL HIM THAT THIS WORK DIDN'T DO IT AND I JOKINGLY SAID “I'LL JUST MOVE INSTEAD OF CALLING WITH MORE BAD NEWS” AND HE SAID... ***** “THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR!” ***** IN OTHER WORDS... HE DOES HAVE SOME APPRECIATION FOR WHAT I KNOW ABOUT THINGS LIKE ELECTRIC, PLUMBING, THE CONSTRUCTION OF THIS SHIT-BOX AND YES, INDEED, APPARENTLY, I'M A SORT OF “SUPER” HERE! SO... THERE WE HAVE IT. ANYWAY... HE COMES TO THE BACK DOOR TO GIVE ME THE PIECE (I ALMOST SHAT, THINKING I'D HAVE TO TAKE APART THAT “CABINETRY” (THANKFULLY IT WAS JUST A MATTER OF REMOVING THE TOP) AND SINCE HE WAS HERE AND I SPOKE OF YONAH... I BROUGHT HIM IN SO THAT HE COULD SEE THE SET-UP. HE WAS QUITE IMPRESSED. COME TO FIND OUT... HE RAISES CHICKENS AND HAD 2 GOATS! SO... THERE'S AN APPRECIATION FOR “BIRDS”. GOOD TO KNOW. - OUT-COME OF THE PLUMBING? WELL... THUS FAR, IT'S DELIGHTFUL! AND... HE LOOKED UNDER THE VANITY IN THE LOO, NOTICED THERE'S A VENT IN THERE AND SAYS “YOU'RE NOT THE PROBLEM. IT'S OVER THERE.” AND POINTED TO NEXT DOOR. (NOT THAT I BELIEVE HE BELIEVES THAT OR ANYTHING BUT, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.) - AND SO, HE'S ONLY JUST LEFT. SAYS THE QUNT'S GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER FUCKING WASH AT ABOUT 11-11.30 TOMORROW AND WE'LL SEE THEN... AND, JUST BEFORE HE CLOSED THE DOOR ON HIS TRUCK HE SAID “NICE TO MEET YOUR BIRD.” THERE. NO MORE SECRETS. (ALTHOUGH... LET'S SEE ABOUT “REPORTING”... OH WELL... I WONDER IF HE'S READY TO OWN A LOT FULL OF CINDERS... SHOULD THAT BE THE CASE.) NEVER MIND. - Meanwhile... Yonah was tucked-in when he went into the room and he took the “presence” ever so well... BUT... Poor Little Guy! He gets to seepie-nigh-night LATE... But... the day is done... DONE! And the kitchen is back in order and I'm tired... and fed-the-fuck-up. - Let's see what tomorrow brings. - Took my naprox... time to get Yonah's Journal done and post these days. - I STILL HAVE A SHIT-LOAD OF WORK TO DO WITH HIS PHOTOS... BUT... nothing pressing on the agenda... not even a roll into town through the week! YAY! - 20.53 ALL POSTED AT LAST! - 22.44 Did it again... instead of just going to the rack... Well? It's going to be another one of “those” days... in about an hour! FUCK ME!
Thu.05.May: (Form notes... at 20.13 on Saturday 07 May) 16.59 Yes...I've managed to stay busy all day again today, and just jotting notes. I'm going to regret this but, the truth of the matter is, I'm always SO BLOODY TIRED and there's so much that I want to stuff into the time that I have when I can manage to stay awake that, the next thing I know... the day is done and my greatest accomplishment of a fucking day is “napping”. And it's not as if I'm just “tired” or lazy... although, I'm sure a bit of depression has something to do with this, it's that the fatigue is absolutely debilitating and I really don't have much of a choice but to lay down, close my eyes for at lest 20 minutes. And my brain doesn't shut-down as I lay there. It's not as though I actually manage to actually “sleep” so it doesn't really do any good but.. anyway... - Today? Well... for starts, I FORCED my-self to get to editing the “Bilder” directory for Yonah's site. There are SO MANY photos that I can keep on the SeaGates but don't actually have to keep on the site, really. I was just SO taken in the beginning that I HAD to KEEP EVERY photo on the site. After all, that site was, originally, supposed to be nothing much more than photos of Yonah, some-place where I could, no matter where I was in the world, access them... as a constant “slide-show”. It's going to take SO much time to actually go through them all now (there's over 1000) and THEN, the entire roster of pages will have to be re-done... re-numbered, when the extra photos are removed. (I'll probably just end-up re-coding the lot... hopefully not but... - I did manage to throw together, the little packages of burger beef that were in the freezer for the longest while, and put in TWO HEAPING tablespoons of jerk seasoning with the usual tin of black, chick and black-eye peas... and a bag of “Italian Mix” veggies... and that cooked whilst I... Went out and raked along the North side of the drive, from the front to just where the drive bends and goes into the sad-fux excuse for a “lawn”... I wanted to clean it out to get to mow the dandelions that are beginning to grow there! And then decided that I ought to check the mower whilst the Mass-hole is in town and so... indeed... IT STARTED ON FIRST PULL AND I DID GET TO MOW THAT BIT! WHAT FUCKING DUST THOUGH! I'll have to wear a mask when I do that shit. Too much dirt in the nose AND the lungs, for Kriste sake! - After, since I had some energy and was awake... I managed to till the kitchen garden too! Twice through. Then sprinkled some of the little bird seeds on, tilled them in and raked it clean. Why? Well... because... I HOPE it grows and produces something the birds can enjoy! (I'm not counting on it... especially if the septic is going to be cleaned... NO doubt, they'll come along and fuck things up ROYALLY! But... I've tried. If it weren't for the birds... I'd let this box rot. - OK... THAT done, and still had some energy left... I cut some strips to make the frame for the screen/plastic for the kitchen window! AND... I pulled the plastic off! The frame smells of “wet”, but the window is as clean today as it was the day I sealed it... 2 years ago? Anyway... there was quite a bit more sawing than I'd planned on AND the damned wood split and is warped! The split is from a knot which I've tried to epoxy but the warping is odd because before I halved the strip, it was fine! I can't understand it. Oh well... we'll see how it turns out. I can't work with it now until the epoxy cures. - The worst of the day? As I was sawing on the back gallery, the qunt next door came out to ask how the plumbing work on the washer was. Sadly, my normal instincts of being “civil” kicked in and we had a chat... It's obviously strained, but that one's just entirely hopeless. I still swear there's something terrible wrong with her and wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't “asked” to leave the place in Placid. Anyway... the only bit about all of this is the inconvenience caused... over there and not here. And “it” claims that Mass-hole will be in the area for a couple more days and that there IS some sort of “intent” to have the septic cleaned-out. (Then again, 3 years ago, there was intent to power-wash and paint this old shit-box so...) But it just sickens me... that thing over there. Not to mention, it distracts me from what I want to get done around here... for my own comfort and convenience. (Fortunately, IT stressed that IT wants to have some sense of “owner-ship” here AND has plans for the property behind the stones round the drive so there's less I'll be attending. I mean, after all, I don't want to deny it of its pleasures of “owner-ship”. Fucking usueless, worthless, entitled piece of ...) - MOVING along... I ALSO MANAGED to get the HOOVERING done too! WOOHOO! Accomplishments of a day! Damned shame I measure my day by what I managed to stuff into the last hours, but at least the place is “clean”. There's that. - And to think... This morning was a horror... the PAIN in the right side had subsided but I was SO light-headed all morning... ALL morning. But the working seems to have helped alleviate that a bit so... there's that much. I have to figure how to keep busy and active... if that's going to help. What-ever. - 19.52 Yonah tucked-in. I'm tired. Having nosh and Brit and shower and rack. That's the plan for the evening. - The goulash turned-out OK... Just a TINY bit too much jerk... it's a little on the “hot” side and, well, it's “Walkerswood” and not “Grace” so the flavour isn't quite right but... it isn't bad at all. I'm glad I made it... for 4 meals. - I have a SHIT-LOAD of WORK to be done on Journals tomorrow! Photos, videos for Yonah... from 28 April! I'm falling too far behind with all of this and it's NOT good! But I'm SO TOO tired, SO TOO often. And that too, is taking a toll... I'm annoyed about it and with my-self, but the fatigue just gets to be too much to handle. - 21.57 SHOWERED! AND had to re-fill the bottom right teeth. Alas. Now, let's see if I can't get to snooze before 23.00. HAH! Un-attainable goals.
Fri.06.May: 6.59 CONTRACTION !!! LEFT FOOT. 1.20 THIS MORNING! UP AND WALKING! FUCK!
The pain in the right shoulder/back returned. FUCK!
And yes, I did manage to get in some reading before lights-out, at about 22.45-ish. No matter how I try... I'm still late. BUT THEN... this morning, heard all three alarms, stopped them, and at the “6.00” actually went into “REM”... and BOUNCED out of bed... (Mean-while... last night I noticed that, at some point or another, I must have shat a bit in the scrubs as I slept... “slept”... as is were, so, this morning? They and the whites are in the basin on the soak. My hands are SO CRACKED and sore from the last load of washing but... we do what we must...) - NOW... for the dream I almost literally PULLED my-self out of this morning...
VERY DARK... REALLY QUITE VERY DARK. That “later evening/almost-twilight” sort of very dark. And I was in some sort of “clinic” or it might have been a very old hospital. Large room, with those floor-to-ceiling windows that hadn't been cleaning in the past 100 years or so, looking out on what-ever it was out there that couldn't be seen through the dirt and dust and other filth on the glass. - I'd just had some “scans” done and was just getting dressed again. Trousers and shoes and t-shirt on. And a woman, “clinician/Nurse/PA” sort, and I were “consulting” about the results of the scan. I wasn't pleased with any of the procedure and certainly not having her there to tell me what I expected a “doctor” to be explaining to me. None-the-less, there we were and I had to put-up with it. - This woman had a clip-board and a binder and extra loose pages... my “chart”, records, the scan results and the “care plan” for going forward. I noticed that the pages with the “care plan” were “mimeographed”, sort of “one-size-fits-all” format. Nothing had been written-in on any of the pages but there were “medications” and what I recognised as some quite-serious “chemo” meds already printed on the pages. - The woman was “reciting” some sort of diatribe that was more “rote” than much else and as she rattled-on, I was trying to understand what she was saying. When she got to “And doctor recommends that we immediately start a regimen of geghjbgruosvfsdugshsuoih4589huibvndfb... [she'd named a chemo med, the route of administration, frequency, duration, specific course of treatment and particulars but her lengthy sentence just became nothing but one extremely long word that made no sense at all, in my head] and yes, it's a shame because the pills are so small but they're extremely strong, powerful and regrettably they're VERY expensive.” - The mumbled part of it all aggravated me because I was aware that it was my mind rejecting what she was saying, so I broke-in with “Whoa! Whoa! Slow down please. It's not that I don't understand what you're saying but that bit just actually got stirred in my mind and sounded like one massive word that makes no sense at all. Maybe it's just that it's SO much wrong SO quickly and suddenly but, PLEASE... I'd like to know WHAT is going on here. PLEASE repeat that... SLOWLY.” - She was OBVIOUSLY annoyed with me and so, at that point, I leaned forward, across the plastic folding “buffet” table we were at, looked directly into the pupils of her eyes and sternly, but with a slight smile (because I wanted to punch her in the face because of her attitude, approach, demeanour AND my understanding of the situation) I clearly and distinctly enunciated:
“You people are as clueless as you could possibly make yourselves. It's not so much that you 'don't' understand this situation, it's that you find me 'annoyingly entertaining, a fool, idiot, some sort of amusement' and that you intentionally will not even make an attempt, never mind, effort, toward come degree of sympathy, or even pity. I don't expect any compassion, and I surely don't expect empathy. I don't expect ANY of this to matter, at all, to ANY of the lot of you, but I tell you this much, right now... Miss... and 'listen' to me because THIS is the absolute root of ALL you NEED to register (and I said the following as though I was engraving the words on her bones, softly, calmly, but with an emphasis where-by my spoken words were almost visible):
I HAVEN'T HAD ANY REASON OR CAUSE TO EXIST FOR THE LONGEST WHILE. AND DON'T DARE TO PRESUME THAT I'M SOME SORT OR DEGREE OF 'DEPRESSED' BECAUSE I AM, MOST CERTAINLY NOT ! I AM QUITE CONTENT WITH MY ABSENCE OF 'WILL TO THRIVE'. HOW-EVER, AS OF NOW, HERE, THIS MOMENT, THESE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS, I HAVE A LITTLE 'LIFE' IN MY CARE AND RESPONSIBILITY. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ACROSS THE SPAN OF MY MORE-RECENT LIFE-TIME, I HAVE 'REASON AND CAUSE' TO TAKE A NEXT BREATH, TO ACTUALLY 'BE'. AND AS TRITE AND, PERHAPS 'PSYCHOTIC' AS IT MAY OR MIGHT SEEM TO YOU, THAT LITTLE ONE, THAT LITTLE BIRD IS MY SOLE REASON FOR BEING HERE AND TOLERATING YOUR INCESSANT ABUSE AND CONDESCENSION. TO THAT END, I WILL DO WHAT-EVER I MUST TO ENSURE MY CONTINUED EXISTENCE SO THAT, UNTIL THAT LITTLE ONE TAKES HIS LAST BREATH OF EARTHLY AIR, I WILL BE 'HERE', TO GIVE HIM THE BEST CARE HUMANLY POSSIBLE. NOW, YOU AND THE REST OF YOU HERE HAD BEST COME TO REALISE, UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THAT BECAUSE IF YOU CONTINUE TO DEFLECT, REJECT AND OTHER-WISE ABUSE, YOU'LL FIND THAT I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF PROVIDING MOST-EXCELLENT CARE TO MY LOVED-ONE AND 'ATTEND' TO THE REST OF YOU... HAVE I MADE MY-SELF CLEAR, UNDERSTANDABLE AND COMPREHEND-ABLE?”
With that, she got up from her chair and hastily headed to the door to leave, saying something about having to get the orders to the doctor immediately. It some-what, some-how appeared that she was going to do something positive, but I didn't know, couldn't be sure. I was semi-assured and yet... of course, cynical.
Suddenly, as will happen in dreams, I was in a room, “my room”, in a house or flat that I was “sharing” OR, I was at “home”, where I resided, with relatives. I was going through my belongings, mostly books and binders of notes, personal notes and journals, particularly personal and some-what “dear”. I was “cleaning-out”. I had nothing of any particular substance left to my name, and the room was sparse, almost empty. - The walls were painted, old, a dark shade of some sort of “sooty-slate” colour, and the general ambience was still that “dark, time-of-day”. “Brother... John”... or a house-mate (ambiguity again) came into the room, all giddy and generally annoyingly “jesterish”, clowning about. I was sitting on a bed, “my” bed, going through the things there, and looking, in particular, at a binder of notes, journalled notes, and hand-written lyrics with guitar chords. - As “John” was making light and giddy, I said to him “None of this is of any value to anybody. Nothing I have is of any real value to anybody, but I'd like to leave this (the binder) to somebody who might actually take the time to read it. By the time anybody does, it won't matter, to me, but it might be nice if somebody would actually learn what my existence has been like. AND, MAYBE, SOMEBODY will FINALLY understand how truly integral to my existence, Yonah is and has been and HOPEFULLY SOMEBODY will give him the respect, honour, consideration and care that he deserves and is entitled to!” (As I said the words, I became physically painfully nauseated because I had NO doubt that, as soon as I was “gone”, the rest of who-ever would simply put Yonah out into the yard and sell-off his belongings, with mine... I imagined a “yard sale”, and I wanted, SO MUCH, to be able, as I thought, to take Yonah to a “heaven” and drag the people I was leaving, straight to Hell!) “John” took the binder from me as I reached-out to give it to him, ad he continued with his infantile demeanour. I was, internally, LIVID! - I'd left the house, to take a walk, get away before losing control of my temper which, at that point, was as hot as an actual “Hell”... I was angry, mad, horrifyingly bitter, to the point where I could feel my own fever. I approached a bridge, much the same as the bridge on 17K, through Montgomery, over the Wallkill. The river was muddy, the colour of what I can only call “baby shit”. I looked at it flowing by and it annoyed me to my core, that people would be SO uncaring, apathetic, repulsively ignorant as to allow this to happen to a once-so-beautiful river. It was representative of the general worthlessness of “humanity” of late... between those who didn't care about Yonah, through those who didn't give a shit about me and the “medical” folks who weren't even in their jobs for the pay... they were just “there”... and now, I was dying. U didn't want anybody to interfere with that. At this juncture, any sort of attempted “intervention” would just be a waste of time, materials... everything. I knew that Yonah wouldn't survive much longer after I'd “gone” but the thought of him suffering, at all, in ANY manner or fashion, for even an actual moment ANGERED ME TO AN INDESCRIBABLE DEGREE! I COULD FEEL THE AIR AROUND ME VIBRATE, RAPIDLY, JUST FROM THE ENERGY OF MY ANGER AND MADNESS! I WAS AWARE THAT THE MARROW OF MY BONES WAS VIBRATING WITH THE ANGER! AND... AS THE ANGER INCREASED, THE VIBRATIONS WERE REACHING A POINT WERE THEY WERE ABOUT TO PHYSICALLY MANIFEST THEMSELVES... IN THE DREAM I REALISED THAT I'D FALLEN BACK TO SLEEP AND THOUGHT... “I HAVE TO GET UP!” and with that, I opened my eyes, tossed the blankets aside... and bolted out of the bed.
(Catch-up: Sun.08.May: 10.14) 8.25 washing done... on rack and line. Managed to get shirt and jeans and 2 sets of under-things done this morning! And my hands are cracked, split, open, cut... and all because of dryness! BUT, when things have to get done... they get done. And WHEN they get done, it encourages me to move along... those “accomplishments”. To think of the good days when I could get all this shit done in the mornings, shower, dress, get on the subway and off to work, arriving about 30 minutes early! I've grown to be such a fucking mess. Oh well... - 19.52 Well, I kept busy-ish with the day. Not sure what and why to be honest, but I kept moving from one thing to another and... here we are, the fucking day is all but done! - ”NANCY” FROM THE LIZTOON CLINIC PHONED THIS MORNING AT ABOUT 9.30... TO TELL ME THAT THE CT IS ORDERED AS OF THE 3RD MAY... BUT THE COLONOSCOPY CAN'T BE DONE UNTIL THE ECHO IS DONE. AND WHEN I EXPLAINED WHAT HAPPENED TO HER, SHE SAID THAT WHAT I WAS TOLD WAS WRONG... AND NOW, IT'S UP TO ME TO CALL “CVPH”, FIND OUT HOW FAR IN ADVANCE I NEED TO GET TESTED AND *THEY* HAVE TO ORDER THE TEST (WHICH CAN BE DONE IN LIZTOON) AND *THEN* *THEY* WILL SCHEDULE THE ECHO! YEAH? THE ORDER IS GOOD ONLY UNTIL THE 15TH SO FAT FUCKING CHANCE THAT THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ANY TIME TOO SOON. AND NOW, WITH THE BRAKES... THOUGH NANCY SAYS INSURANCE SHOULD PROVIDE TRANSPORT AND... *I* HAVE TO CALL THEM FOR THAT. OH, I SEE NOW: “HEALTH CARE” IS ALL ABOUT THE “PATIENT” DOING ALL THE LEG-WORK. BUT, AT LEAST THE CT IS IN THE WORKS AND NANCY SAYS THE “TEST” CAN BE DONE LOCALLY. (WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THE “ADVANCE”... AND I SAID TO HER: TEST TODAY AND IN THE 3 DAYS TO FOLLOW, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. BUT WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT THIS “VACCINE BUSINESS”, BETWEEN NOT KNOWING WHAT MY BODY'S FIGHTING ALREADY AND LIVING IN N.R. AND OUR IDEA OF A TRIP TO THE CITY IS SHOPPING AT TOPS, SHE LAUGHED. AND WE TALKED ABOUT ALL SORTS OF “PERSONAL LIFE”. SHE'S QUITE THE HOOT. I THINK I'M RATHER LOOKING FORWARD TO MEETING HER... IF I HAVEN'T ALREADY. SO FOR NOW... I'LL WAIT FOR THE CT... AND THEN? WE GET TO START THE REST OF THE SHIT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. OH WELL... JUST SO LONG AS I'M AROUND FOR YONAH... THAT'S ALL... NOTHING ELSE. - As for any other “accomplishments” for this day... I put a “strip” across Yonah's night roof board so that it sets a-top the back board now. Gives more ventilation and keeps it from resting directly on his roof. I'm hoping it'll help with the white pines. They seem to be drying/dying where the board rests on them over-night. I just HOPE there's nothing like “chemicals” in that wood! I probably ought to seal it, some-how... well, we'll see how the street-light situation plays out. If I seal the wood, it'll have to “cure” for about a week before it's usable again. Fuck me. - Had to “split” the wood for the kitchen window frame. Instead of fitting around the out-side, I'm making it so that it slides in, like the other window screens I made. BUT... the bloody wood warped when I cut it, and I don't now how or why! AND one slat split at a knot and I had to epoxy that! I have a feeling I'm just going to have to do the entire project over again... Figures. Of course. Then... the out-side of the window has to be re-sealed because the cold comes in AROUND it... and the siding on the house is rotting. Oh well... Shit to keep me occupied... I suppose. - Worst of the day... it's another ANOTHER day of jotting notes! I'm about to become over-whelmed with “catch-up” BUT I'M SO BLOODY-FUCKING TIRED these days! It's an “accomplishment” if I even jot notes! - 21.40 I AM SO OFF TO THE RACK... AND, NO DOUBT... A NIGHT OF HELL TO KEEP ME FROM GETTING A PROPER SLEEP. I'd LIKE to have been IN the rack by now but... let's see if I can't get to that hour... at least this is a start. Fuck.
Sat.07.May: (Catch-up: Sun.08.May: 10.51 Notes were jotted during the day so I'm “filling-in”... Actually journalled at 20.02 but other-wise, just kept moving through the day all day... as I do... too often.)
Went right to the rack last night... read until about 22.30 and then... Woke at 1.23, again at about 3.35, 5.45. Not from pain, just woke. At 3.35, actually considered getting up because I felt as though I'd slept enough, but as I considered, I went back to sleep. I swear, my body's adjusted to “naps” now, and not a night-through sleep! I'm SO FUCKED! Really! All day, good for a few hours, then nap, then a few hours more, then nap... I've screwed my “circadian clock”. This old body's just FUCKED. And it annoys me! I don't WANT this to be this way forever! There HAS to be a way to put things “right”. I just need to get back to “bed at 21.30 and up at 4.30”... I NEED to! - Yonah called this morning at... 6.06 again. Same time as yesterday! I'm wondering if he's going to wake, progressively earlier now. If so, I'm going to have no choice but to get to the rack earlier and get my lazy arse up and out earlier! As it was this morning, I hadn't even put the kettle on when he called. And I will NOT put HIM aside... so, it was “interesting”... me, not really quite “clear in the head”, still in scrubs, and off to opening his windows and such. Yeah... I NEED to get to the rack earlier. - ONE THING I HAVE TO NOTE: I WORE THE SWEATS ONE NIGHT AND HAD CONTRACTIONS! WHEN I WEAR THE SCRUBS... THOSE EVENINGS HAVE BEEN OK! I can't figure this out. Seems like the bottom of the sweats puts some kind of pressure on the calves and that gets things “contracting”. I mean, that's all I can see of it. So, looks like I'm going to have to get more scrubs! Oh, how I miss The City at times like this. It's going to be “on-line” and I have NO idea where to start. Not to mention, the price these days. No “discount stores” any more. Fucking nonsense. Oh well. Thankfully I still have one set... out of SO MANY that were... never mind. - HORROR OF THE MORNING! I STEPPED OUT TO THE FRONT PORCH AND IN THE GENTLE MOVEMENT OF THE AIR... LITTLE TUFTS OF FEATHERS BLOWING IN THE ROAD! AND A FEW ACTUAL FEATHERS! SOME-THING GOT TO A LITTLE ONE THIS MORNING! NOT SURE WHAT GOT HIT, BUT I SERIOUSLY DON'T ENJOY STARTING A DAY WITH THAT IN FRONT OF ME! NOW I'M MORE DETERMINED TO WARD-OFF THE DAMNED HAWKS... AND IF IT WAS THAT CAT FROM ACROSS THE ROAD, WELL... WE'LL “ATTEND” AS WE SEE FIT! THIS FUCKING SHIT-HOLE!
ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE... THE HUMMIES ARE BACK! FIRST THERE WAS ONE AT THE FEEDER AND THEN TWO! THEY'VE ARRIVED! AND I'M SO RELIEVED THAT I HAD THEIR FOOD READY FOR THEM! AND THAT THEY'VE DISCOVERED THE FEEDER, NOW IN THE BACK! HOPEFULLY THEY'LL SEND WORD TO THE OTHERS! I'll be keeping a more-careful eye on things back there. Damned shame that thing next door will probably present yet, another, obstacle against them... BUT... THE HUMMIES ARE BACK! AND THIS YEAR, THEY WON'T BE BUZZING ACROSS THE MAIN TO GET TO THE FOOD! Little blessings, I suppose. And too, I can see them from the back door and the kitchen window!
Jsut for schitzengiggles, I check the PO “Careers” this morning... ***** CRAGSMOOR IS LOOKING FOR A PSE! ***** IMAGINE? I WONDER IF I COULD FIND A NICE PLACE, BACK IN THE AREA! Sad thing though, from the looks of the Ggle satellite shots, the whole fucking area is so BUILT! And the old place on Roosa Gap has vehicles in the drive... not, mind, that I'd really want to go back there. If the “cottage” was up there by itself, I'd certainly consider. But not with the other 3 places being occupied. Sad, really, it would be a perfect place for Yonah... and Yonah is THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of where-ever we call “home”. Then too, taking a “PSE”? NOT AGAIN! I wonder what the old PO looks like these days. Shame I can't just get into the truck and take a ride down. (Not to mention... I'd be MUCH closer to “dear Mindy”... another bit of shit. Oh well... But of all the places... Cragsmoor! (I still have my ID from there too! How silly. But it's proof I DID work there.)
OK... AND... Deborah was by this morning... left muffins and a packette of sun-flower seeds! “Burpee”... 3,29$!!! for a packette of seeds! WTAF? It's not like there's so much humanity involved with the “production”! Plant. Harvest. Run the flowers through a machine (no doubt). This world is completely hopeless any more. (And now I feel obligated to pay her for these too... I'm still trying to figure how to get her the 50 back with-out having to go through all sorts of twists and turns and such. And, with-out being insulting. I appreciate the kindnesses, but...) - I put a dove decoy out on the feeder on the back gallery today. Hope? To attract mourning doves back AND... IF THAT HAWK COMES BY FOR “MORE”... PUT A HURTIN' ON IT WHEN IT TRIES TO PECK AT THAT PLASTIC! I'M GOING TO PUT THE DECOY OUT EVERY MORNING NOW... AND KEEP MY EYES ON IT. The “fun” is that, now I can open the back door and as I sit at the work table, I can see if/when something comes by to attack the decoy. This should be interesting... - And so, on this sunny day, I DID get a lot of Yonah's journal caught-up... I still have to work with all the photos though... And I made another 50 pages for another 50 photos... but I have about 27 already so, there goes more than half of today's pages. And that “auto slide-show”? I don't believe it'll handle 1100 images. It certainly doesn't when I'm not connected to the internet. That “Ggl” script... .apparently that's VERY integral. Oh well... At least I managed to get more Journal-work done with his day.... - And it was quite a SUNNY day... though there's still that “crispness” to the breezes. I had the doors and Yonah's window open a while. The house took a bit of a chill. Yonah's room went down to about 19°. But it isn't July yet... and hopefully all will go well when THAT arrives... though I WISH we could be out of and away from here by then! - The DOWN-DOWN-DOWN side of the day though... NAPS... NAPS... AND... THREE NAPS! This bloody FATIGUE! I (AM* SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED! -20.02 Yonah's Journal is FINALLY to-date! Well... the text is anyway. I still have to get through editing the photos and putting them onto the server and then coding the photo pages and putting some into his Journal. I'm so far behind! And I have Thur, Fri and today to get to on THIS Journal too. I've been jotting notes all along, being so damned tired at night. And never mind the catch-up during the day with this “Chronic Fatigue”. (I looked it up today to see what can be done to combat it... Nothing. “Fats” in diet. Eating 6 little snacks during the course of a day instead of 3 solid meals. Exercise, but not enough to create more fatigue. There's no known cause, but sleep apnea is a most-common cause (sleep study, of course). AND... “depression”... and I have a feeling that THAT'S a considerable cause here because I'm really just so fed-up with this place... NOT the hamlet, just the house. What makes it all the worse is not being able to figure out a place to bring Yonah out for sun-shine! I'm going to have to get some kind of chaise-longue for the yard so that I can be out there with him! AND I have to get the “filtre” for his fan because next week... 27°! I do NOT want that fucking cigarette smoke blowing in through his windows and I KNOW I'm going to have to deal with that shit! And, there's the issue of the street light... at night... and open windows... and road dust from the Hill (which the town fux still haven't cleaned yet). So? So... it's all just a matter of... And I looked again, this evening, for other places... and it's one of those “sparse” listings... nothing but the places I wouldn't take anyway.... which have been there for the longest so there must be something wrong with them. Not to mention, some are so far away and with-out brakes on the truck... and money that has to be spent that I can't really afford right now other-wise. (The filtre is the most important right now... I have to look for it and order it SOON! And HOPE it gets here before the heat!) - OK, enough. - Yonah's tucked-in. Now I wait for the qunt to start hammering or what-the-fuck-ever it does at this hour of an evening. - I wonder if it's going to have all sorts of “company” tomorrow... its spore, crawling all about the place. “Mothers' Day” and all that shit. Oh... Chronic fatigue... - 20.30 AND THE QUNT IS STARTING THE EVENING THUMP-AND-BANG BULL-SHIT! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! OH, BUT THE RAGING HATE! - Anyway, I got started with catch-up and it's time for a nosh and rack. There's just enough ice cream for tonight. I don't know if I'll go to market tomorrow or Monday but that's to be seen when... I ought to get bananas... and I want to get some oranges for the Orioles... we'll see. - OH... the good news today... Medicaid has re-newed... BUT the bad news... the insurance company got my fucking complaint wrong and it looks, from their letter, like I didn't get the echo because of MY negligence! Well? Monday we shall correct that record (or probably not... fucktards.) - I WANT TO CLOSE YONAH'S DOOR BUT THAT QUNT IS THUMPING ABOUT! WHAT THE FUCK? SHE TRULY IS RETARDED. I REMEMBER ALDEN SAYING: “CONSIDER THE SOURCE”. HE MUST KNOW SHE'S FEEBLE! PROBABLY WHY HE ASKED ME TO BE NICE TO HER. OH FUCK THAT! HE'S A MASS-HOLE AND SHE'S JUST “GREEN MOUNTAIN VERMIN”. I need to get out of here! - I'm noshing and will hopefully get to rack soon... not that I expect to get a proper sleep but... - 22.24 LAT A-FUCKING-GAIN TONIGHT! OFF WE GO... TO THE RACK! LET'S SEE WHAT KIND OF NIGHT WE HAVE *THIS* TIME! FUCK.
Sun.08.May: (Re-caping this morning at 16.47) I was begrudgingly up and on the move this morning and no sooner got to the kitchen when... at 5.48... yes... 5.48... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! Well? I've been wondering if Yonah would start waking earlier with the day-break and this morning, he certainly DID! I hadn't even put the kettle on yet! But... never mind... WE got right to OUR morning! Opening curtains and blinds, running the water relay, and in between, making coffee and getting dressed. Quite the beginning to a Sunday! - 6.47 Just checked the météo: 0/-3 at the moment... BUT... 28 on Friday! SHIT! That's a LOT of “HOT” really quickly! And there's supposed to be “mostly sun” ALL through the week! I checked the back Journal and it was 2 years ago when we had a heavy snow-fall on Mothers' Day! Not this year! - 9.40 Just happened to look out the kitchen window... white car parked in the drive so if I was thinking of going to market... NOPE! INCONSIDERATION AND INCONVENIENCE and NOT surprising. AND... I SEE THIS MEAGRE BEARDED THING HOPPING INTO THE PASSENGER'S SIDE, RAISING WHAT APPEARS TO BE A “TWISTED TEA”! SO... HERE WE GO! THE BULL-SHIT COMMENCES! Oh, indeed... HERE WE GO! - Now? With my Little Guy “woo-HOO'ing”... we're off to trying to catch-up from Thursday last... - I tried for a 30-minute snooze too but... pain in the left leg, the stomach, the chest. This is STRESS! And the “cure”? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! - Oh... I can't wait for the PO position to open! I'm taking it, making the money and getting the fuck OUT of here... even if the “job” is only for that purpose. - 10.23 Phone rings... Mass-hole! “I have a couple of things for you... will be by with-in half hour.” WTAF? Last minute call on a SUNDAY!? I wonder what the “things” are... Notice of rent rise? Or what? Oh well... We'll see. And here I thought that, by now, he'd have left the region. No such luck. Fukkit! I can't care. - 10.35 Shit-spores have left... but they were looking at the raised-bed... PLEASE NO! DON'T COME BACK TO GARDEN! JUST LEAVE! Not, mind, that I'm still even thinking about running into market now... I have to wait for a “delivery” of “a couple of things”. - Meanwhile... I note:
I noticed last night.. .the street light really IS dimmer... less blue, more back to the “beige”. I wonder when they replaced it. I still want that cover! But... I didn't pay them what they billed... and I wont' so we'll see how it all works out. I'm still checking my e-mails to see if there are any “nasty messages” and I'll be checking the post. I won't dare check on-line though... No sense letting them know that I'm looking. - 13.34 The jerk is in the (new) oven... the Mass-hole has FINALLY left after sitting in the front for all this while chatting with McFuknut. The house in order. The kitchen is back... even mopped the floor. He DID roll up about 30 minutes after he phoned... pulled to the front of the house and as I stepped out, I couldn't help but see, in the back of the truck... a STOVE! Of course it's not brand new, but it IS a touch nicer. And, of course, *I* was expected to help haul it into the house! Imagine that! It's not MY property but I'm expected to haul! Oh well... WTF? Not that I “need” a new stove at this point, but... So I helped, and we got it in with the hand truck. I was rather amazed that it fit in through the door. Then again, the old one did... and the fridge, so... What tickled me me (NOT) was when he said that he would leave BOTH of the stoves in the kitchen. I could try the “new” one and if it works well, I could get rid of the old one. HOW? So I told him I'd just take it apart and remove it in parts and pieces. He didn't seem to mind (though I did). I mean, first, you bring the stove and expect ME to move it into the house. Then you don't even know, for certain, if it works? THEN, you tell me you're leaving... and TWO stoves in the house? Typical. - THEN, in addition... he brought a new vanity/basin for the loo! Quite nice. Says he, it's never been opened so he's not sure about how it is, but it's not “store-bought new”. Anyway, he checked under the old one and says he wants to replace the old plumbing with the new plastic stuff and that I shouldn't bother with or about it. He'll replace when he comes back... “in a couple of weeks”. WHY? We've done well for the past 2 years... Oh well... (If I can figure it out, I might... but then again... I probably won't.) So... from about 11.00 until almost 13.00 my Sunday was fucked. I had SO much journalling to catch-up with and I wanted to do other things but... Hey... there's a new stove and it has a window and light in the oven and a little “storage drawer” in the bottom... and I helped haul it in and set it up. Oh... and when he left here, he went over to chat with Megahn and when the stove worked, I walked over to ask how he'd like me to dispose of the old one... he came over and took it in the truck. Says he's heading out tomorrow morning... stove in truck. Fare well... toodles... - So... yes, I did put the new stove in and had to give it a good try... BUT THE OVEN STINKS! BUT... IT WAS IMMACULATE! AND I “ROASTED” IT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, EMPTY. Now I have to figure out how it works... I'm just hoping that it actually BAKES because that chicken is tonight's meal. - THIS is NOT how I saw this day going BUT... - And there's a new vanity (hiding behind the living-room door. “I'll bring new plumbing and put it in the next time I'm in town.” OK. Sure. What-the-fuck-ever. - I'M WONDERING WHY... THREE YEARS LATER... WHAT'S COMING? SOMETHING'S COMING. THIS ISN'T OUT OF KINDNESS. WE CAN BE SURE OF THAT! SO WE'LL SEE. (RAISE THE RENT, KNOWING I'LL HAVE TO GO TO HUD? AND KNOWING THAT HUD WOULD MAKE HIM CHANGE THIS SHIT? WE SHALL SEE... INDEED... WE SHALL.) - I have no ice cream for tonight. Oh well... it ain't the first time. Besides... might do me some good... I'm just tired... but managed to stay awake for all of this bull-shit. Imagine. - I'm pissed though... it took time that could have been with Yonah today! - But the doors and window are open, the fan is running in the kitchen, to get the “new burn smell” out. NO FUMES IN THIS HOUSE! - 14.43 finally caught-up with this Journal again! A few notes from this morning left. And then... ALL of Yonah's for today. - The chicken is still in the oven... went in at about 13.20. Oddly, the house doesn't smell of jerk. Then again, Walkerswood never did have that delicious aroma! But at least the “fumes” seem to be dissipating. And this oven has a nice new “seal” round the oven door so it ought to use less electric. - And I had to make little “stands” for the cover board on top. I'm keeping that. The little “hob” works perfectly well for cooking so... and the board a-top makes for more counter space for the kettle and coffee press so... I HAD to raise it though because the exhaust for the oven in under a “burner” that gets REALLY HOT and the sides of the stove-top aren't as high as the old one. (The old one, which is in the back of the Mass-hole's truck already.) - I need a “lie-down” here! I don't want one but... I'm losing it. - 16.16 and the chicken is STILL NOT BAKED! Almost 3 hours. Oh well. Thankfully, there's still the last of the goulash for meal this evening. - 16.50 I still have notes from this morning to catch-up with! But at least Yonah's Journal is current. - The extra piece of wood that I was going to cut for the kitchen window screen? I HAD TO FUCKING EPOXY IT! LOADED WITH KNOTS! FUCK! SO... NO CUTTING TODAY... HOPEFULLY I'LL BE ABLE TO SAW THROUGH THE EPOXY WITH-OUT DESTROYING THE SAW... AND HOPEFULLY I'LL BE ABLE TO GET AT LEAST ONE MORE STRIP OUT OF WHAT-EVER IS THERE! THIS PISSES ME OFF! - What's worse... it's MEAL TIME... MY DAY HAS BEEN STOLEN! - 19.35 I'm FINALLY caught back up with the Journals! Poor Yonah, I've not spent much time with him all day today and tomorrow... well... about 30 minutes in town... IF the truck runs at all! I need to get PHOTOS edited and posted and such too! - But the doors and window were open all day. The chicken FINALLY cooked at 375F and I turned the oven off at 18.00. To be honest... it was frozen SOLID when I put it in but... And now the house smells of “Walkerswood”. Well, I suppose better than than curry? OK. - The sun's JUST dipping behind the mountains...
AND... 19.37 AND THE QUNT IS HAMMERING! AT LEAST I GOT TO TELL MASS-HOLE ABOUT THE BOOZE IN THE DRIVE AT 9.30 AND WHEN WE WERE BRINGING THE STOVE IN HE MENTIONED COMING ON SUNDAY MORNING AND I SAID “COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS YOU'RE NOT NEXT DOOR BECAUSE, AS SHE TOLD ME “HE HAS NO RIGHT TO COME INTO MY HOUSE WITH-OUT AT LEAST 24-HOURS ADVANCE NOTICE!”... I POLITELY LET HIM KNOW... “SHE'S NOT EXACTLY 'RIGHT'... THERE'S SOMETHING A BIT 'WRONG' THERE.” HE JUST SAID “MAKE PEACE.” I SAID, 'I DO MY BEST. PEACE IS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR AND IF I HAVE TO KILL TO GET IT...” BUT... IMAGINE? AGAIN... HAMMERING! Well tomorrow I get to saw... if the epoxy is set... and then there will be mowing... nice and early in the mornings... under her bed-room window... QUNT!
OK... 19.41... time to get Yonah settled and I still have to get the chicken out of the oven and... MY UPPER LEFT “TEETH”, THE STUMPS, ARE PAINFUL... NOT SURE IF IT'S SINUSES CAUSING THE JAW PAIN OR BAD TEETH CAUSING SINUSES... one of these days I'll have the stumps removed... one of these days... but for now... YONAH! - 20.23 Yonah is tucked-in. The chicken is put-up in the fridge. The house is settled as if the day never happened. It really is quite amazing... the new stove is in... been used. The chicken FINALLY cooked... and as I put it into the fridge dish, I had a little taste. “JERK CHICKEN”! It's been YEARS! Actually, not since Richford, when I introduced Silas to it and he went completely NUTS over it! Now... I wonder if I could find got any-where. HAH! Although maybe there's a farmer around? (Not that I can afford it these days.) But, the chicken cooked-down to 1 breast, 1 serving. It's all just shit any more. But there are places in the country that don't have FOOD these days... (governments are trying their best to starve the population... these are mentally ill days...) so I'm not complaining. Thankfully... the same government is paying the bill. Fuckshits! - Enough. So I've taken my naprox, completed the journals. Yonah's is ready for posting and FINALLY THIS ONE will be now too. - My sinuses are still bothering me, as is my jaw. Hopefully it won't be a miserable night. - No ice cream tonight. Alas. I COULD go to market but... I'm still pondering other shopping tomorrow... bird seed for one thing... and checking on the “filtre” for Yonah's window fan. I'll have to deal with that tomorrow too... Friday... 28°! - But for tonight, let's see when I can get me to the rack. I'm tired now... and I've re-set alarms for 10 minutes earlier in the morning now... this is going to be interesting. - And the front door is still open. Here, at last... our several weeks of “warmth”... at last. - 20.44 FINALLY ALL JOURNAL TEXTS ARE TO-DATE AGAIN! AT LAST! - 22.03 toddling... a touch later than I ought... Tomorrow morning will be interesting... with the earlier alarms.
Mon.09.May: (15.02: THE QUNT IS NOW ALLOWING ITS CAT TO ROAM THE GROUNDS !!! I'VE JUST BOUGHT ORANGES AND MADE A HOLDER FOR THEM FOR THE ORIOLES AND IT'S GOT THE CAT OUT !!! HELL HAS JUST BEEN EVOKED !!! BAD ENOUGH I'M BUYING VINEGAR AGAINST THE RODENTS !!! WELL? AS I SAY: HELL HAS JUST BEEN LET LOOSE !!! - 15.48 JUST ORDERED WHITE PEPPER, MORE VINEGAR AND LEMON JUICE AS REPELLENTS !!! QUNT'S COSTING ME !!! THANKFULLY... FS... STILL... * WAR IS ON * !!!
5.56 I managed to pull me out of the bed at about 5.30! And managed to get to lights-out by about 22.30. And the sky is clear out there and the furnace kicked as I made coffee. And what's to become of this day is yet to be seen. I'm debating whether or not to wash bed linens. I also need to get to town. We shall see... we shall. - 11.50 Well... the qunt left, this morning, with the spore and I got the frame for the kitchen window screen done. Shitty, but serves (I hope). Also put bits of screen on the feeder on the gallery, to keep the chipmunks out (I hope). Ordered the filtre for Yonah's fan. And HE's been keeping me company in the kitchen... AS I'VE BEEN WORKING ALONG! - Now... debating on how/when/if to go into town. It's a beautiful day... I just don't want to have to stop. Oh... - 15.04 MADE IT TO MARKET! AND THE BRAKE LIGHT CAME ON BEFORE I PULLED OUT OF THE DRIVE. BUT... I MADE IT TO MARKET... AND BACK !!! AND... groceries are up, the jerk chicken is in the freezer. Time to start using the "older" stock of "Mediterranean" chicken... NOT that it will ALL be replaced but... - And egg shells are on the boil for grinding and mixing with the next batch of Yardie food... egg-laying season is coming... and I got peanuts... for moulting. Now... to find suitable residence for Yonah and I. - I ordered the filtre for the fan. That qunt is costing me money I don't have... I'm driving round with no brakes and she's costing me more money! Time to go! - 20.28 Yonah's Journal is up and on the server... and he's been tucked in for about a half hour. And me? I DIDN'T NAP OR SNOOZE ALL DAY TODAY! - The frame for the kitchen window screen is "set" and should be ready to be "screened" tomorrow. I just have to figure how to "mount" it. Screen for Summer... plastic for Winter (may Yonah and I NOT be here for that... especially since the qunt is over there banging again... as usual... I DREAD this Summer... fucking retard, that one!) - AND... I have food stuffs and such coming... a bag of food for the Yardies. IF Walmarde comes through... the filtre for Yonah's fan should arrive tomorrow... then the binder and such for the "certification" notes. - I have to figure out how/where to put his fan now... more "excitement"... 28° again, in the forecast for Friday! Night in the mid-teens though. But the days... will be HOT! - I still have to get river water for the plants and mosses for Yonah! - My hands are cracked and bleeding again... finger nails need trimming again... but the finger tips are SORE! - Anyway... I'm tired... and I NEED to MUST get to rack early tonight! Yonah is getting up earlier and so must I! I'm still rather amazed... no naps... I made it through a day! AND... (I daren't mention... no pain). So I won't mention. - OH! FRENCH VANILLA for nosh! - That said, this is short, but then it's covered all but the aggravation of the retard-in-residence and I don't have the energy or interest... suffice to say... FUCK I WANT OUT OF HERE! - Off to post this much to the server and on with the night. - 21.55 OK... So, a little reading and let's see how the night goes. Not as "on time" as I'd like but... at least it isn't 23.00?
Tue.10.May:12.16 I CAME BACK TO THE BACK DOOR AFTER CHATTING WITH MIKE ON THE HILL AND... THE QUNT'S CAT JUMPS DOWN FROM THE FEEDER! NOT ONLY IS IT OUT OF THE HOUSE... IT'S ON *MY* GALLERY! SO TODAY... THE "WAR" IS OFFICIALLY DECLARED! GATE TO BE MADE AND EITHER SCREENING, FENCING OR SIMPLY WALLING THINGS IN! THAT'S THAT. ENOUGH! I COULDN'T BRING MIMOU WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE "NO PETS/NO CATS". I FOLLOWED... THIS BULL-SHIT BIAS IS FINISHED!
(double-digits... May is running away!) 8.43 CONTRACTION, RIGHT THIGH, THIS MORNING, AT... "0.34"... AN HOUR TO REMEMBER BECAUSE THE CLOCK ON THE WALL IN THE BED-ROOM READ "12:34". AND YES, I HAD TO GET UP AND WALK AND "DANCE" IT OFF. WELL, WE CAN'T EXPECT TO BE COMPLETELY RID OF PAINS... AT LEAST I MANAGED TO GET BACK TO THE RACK IN MOMENTS AND BACK TO "SLEEP" SHORTLY AFTER. - This morning, I ALMOST slept WAY beyond the alarms. After the 3rd one, I dozed into "REM" for a truly OPPRESSIVE sort of "dream":
As are my dreams, it was all in a "morning cloudy darkness". I was with a couple other folks, a group from "school", college. We were in a large park, on the grounds of what used to be a "mental institution" that had been closed and abandoned (or, so we were to believe) for many years. The grounds were well-maintained, with little road-ways, foot-paths, fine-trimmed lawns, &c. We were just wandering, had come to "explore" and enjoy the excursion... rather "a day out". - As we passed the main entrance, an open wrought iron gate, stone and brick pillars and walls, I commented "Remember [the name of the institution]? This is, or was, it. Can you imagine?" - As we walked the "main road", through the grounds and up a slight hill, we came to a one-storey, rather sprawling building that had obviously been neglected for many years. Some of the large windows were intact, others were completely missing. But IN-SIDE the building, there were kids, early teens! It was a "school" of some kind, but it was "strictly private" and there was something oppressive about it. We all "knew", some-how. And when the kids saw us coming up the road, they stared out at us with expressions that called "HELP! SAVE US! PLEASE! SAVE US!" It was horrific to see, and know that they were being held as captives, to be indoctrinated. They, and/or their parents, had tried to defy the current political regime and they were being "re-educated"! But there was nothing that WE could do for any of them. WE knew that we had to simply walk by, as though we'd not even seen the building. - Coming round a turn to the left (I wonder why the turn went "left"... Politics?) we walked to an open "sports field". There was a stage set at the far end, bleachers full of people. The field was packed. The flags of the current regime were flying in a breeze, and the sky was an ominous grey. A warm-ish but damp breeze blew, and the people were chanting all sorts of "loyalty" to the regime. They were radical Communists! WE were in grave danger of being murdered, being there, should any-one realise that none of us supported the "regime". - Suddenly, as dreams snap, I was in a large room... a "class"... an "art" class. It was a large "studio" of sorts, not un-like T6 at Tilden but MUCH LARGER. The "teacher" was demanding that we work on our "art" until everything resembled everything else... lifeless, basically. The thought that we were being indoctrinated, being forced into creating nothing but the very same of everything, losing ALL individuality, from person to creation gave me incredible tension in my chest. I was being suffocated in every way possible! Internally, I was SOBBING... in FEAR... AND DISGUST! And as the pressure in my chest increased, I woke!
I'd slept through the alarms and was running LATE, even before the day began. Jumped up, out of the rack and headed for the kitchen to put the kettle on. Had a "gurgling bubble/clot" of mucous in my chest! It was almost suffocating! (The dream? I wonder.) But it was rather "concerning" until I managed to hack it up. Thankfully, it was "clear/white". I wonder what the Hell is going on in my lungs now! BUT... I put the kettle on for coffee and... "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo"... Yonah was up! So, it was a matter of doing all sorts of things, simultaneously. I don't like any distractions when I'm opening Yonah's house and room but... - By 6.17 I'd put out more seeds for the Yardies, a sliced orange for the Orioles (who I HOPE, return!) AND SOAKED THE BACK GALLERY WITH VINEGAR! (Apple cider vinegar has a STRONG odour! Let's see if it works as intended... I'm not counting on it. And it's more inconvenience to me because the stench wafts into the house. That thing over there needs to GO! Oh well... - I was reading-up on deterrents against cats: pepper, lemon.. but I WILL HAVE to fence the damned gallery in some-how! I don't have all this money these days, and now that qunt is costing me... so too, the Mass-hole because he won't enforce his own "rules"... "Be nice to her" he says. How about FUCK THE FUCK OFF! - 16.55 WELL WELL WELL... OK! YONAH'S FAN IS IN HIS WINDOW TODAY. THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE ON THE FILTRE... CUTTING IT TO PROPER SIZE AND FIGURING HOW TO GET IT TO COVER THE FAN PROPERLY SO AS TO FILTRE ALL THE AIR PULLED IN (more inconvenience due to the qunt) BUT IT'S IN, AND IT'S WORKING (thus far) QUITE NICELY! YAY! - NOW... I HAVE to note here: I'd run into town today, to the banque, get cash, and walked down to pay Dan for the smokes. (I gave him a 20 and he wanted to give me change... imagine... 4$! Oh sure, it's 2 bags of trash at the tip but really... as I said... "gas".) As we chatted, I mentioned the qunt's cat thisi after-noon and he said, not "evil" but as a matter of fact: With the traffic on the Hill and the main, it probably won't be long before the cat's run over. And he referred to Jeff when Patti's cat was going over there and attacking the birds in his yard. Apparently, Jeff told Patti that if HER cat was in HIS yard disturbing the birds, he'd be likely to shoot the cat. So, I'm not really "alone" in all of this and getting ideas. AH BUT... LATER... IN AN E-MAIL... I'd mentioned the cat to Deborah and HER reply was... "Just what we need, more dead cats in the road." So... looks like there's really no sympathy for the qunt. *I* wouldn't harm the poor cat... though I've been considering making some sort of little "snack-sized chicken bits... wrapped round a nice serving of jerk seasoning. Apparently cats can taste the peppers and they give them the trots. So... kitty will go into the house and shit all over the place... until the peppers pass. An upset tummy... for a day. OK. I'm considering. - Mean-while... it's 24,5° in Yonah's room today... and a check on the front porch... 100°F! Here comes the "roasting days"! TOO HOT! TOO HIGH! TOO MUCH! TOO QUICKLY! - 19.47 The day is done... Yonah is tucked-in for the night... I'm SO EXHAUSTED! I'm SO sick and tired of being SO sick and tired! And I KNOW that 99% of this bull-shit fuckerie is stress, aggravation, disappointment in this place, and rolling into out-right depression. From chest to fatigue... I'm just SO bloody aggravated so often that it's pulling my entire being down! - I wanted to shower tonight but... MY HANDS ARE SO SORE... CRACKED, SPLIT! Hand washing... from lavage to general... shampoo is going to BURN and I just can't tolerate pain any more lately. - I had to take Yonah's fan out of his window for the night. NEED to work on the filtre to make it fit properly and stay in place when the window is closed... something for first thing tomorrow morning. And I need AAAs for the remote. I have ONE... thought I had more but they're AAs. Oh well... always something. - Temperature tonight is supposed to bomb to 7°! After today's heat... But, here we head in to Spring. - Poor Yonah... fan in, fan out... but I don't dare just leave it in the window in 7°! I don't want him "chilled". He's never had to "chill"... this is no time for that to start. MUST get the filtre done tomorrow... right away! - Mean-while... the back gallery REEKS of the vinegar! I can only hope it works as intended. (And I'm waiting for the whining, bitching, moaning and a call from the Mass-hole. FUCK these shit-sacks!) - 22.02 LATE... I don't believe it... LATE! I'd SO like to get to the and lights out by 21.30... SO SO SO would I like... The evening just rushes into night. But then... the day rushes into evening too. But my little Heart-and-Soul is tucked-in, safely, for the night. That's all that matters... really.
Wed.11.May: ("Eric the bird-man came by today and saw Yonah!) * QUNT'S CAT AT THE KITCHEN DOOR THIS MORNING !!! * 6.23 And even the water relay is done! And the gallery has been vinegared. - Last night/this morning... CONTRACTION... RIGHT THIGH AGAIN... Got up for a QUICK STROLL TO THE LIVING-ROOM! FUCK! So, a bit of a broken sleep cycle but, it was only the one incident, thankfully. - Obviously, managed to get up with the second alarm... - I was only JUST putting water into the press at 5.41 when... "the call" came from behind the door. I'm running so far behind in the mornings now. But then again, the day begins earlier and Yonah wakes on a some-what "natural" clock. (Fucking shame we can't leave the windows open to the changes in time... I'm so fed-up with this place.) But we managed to get everything done... AND MORE! Imagine THAT! - 19.51 I have more "NOTES" again... I'm keeping busy during the day, when I'm not "napping" or "snoozing" (depression... from being here). And in the evening, after meal, the time goes by SO quickly (as do the days with Yonah) and I'm exhausted to the point where I can barely stay away from the rack by 20.00. Oh well, more "catching-up" ... it's going to take a month, at this point, if I keep this shit up. - ANYWAY.... I FINALLY GOT THE FILTRE ON THE FAN AND IT'S IN YONAH'S WINDOW WORKING QUITE WELL! ALTHOUGH... THE LEFT-FACING BLADE SOUNDS LOOSE... I JUST DON'T WANT TO TAKE IT OUT AND TAKE THE THING A APART NOW. IT WAS QUITE A BIT OF WORK GETTING THE FILTRE ON TO STAY AND THEN GETTING THE FAN-AND INTO THE WINDOW. BUT RIGHT NOW, IT' S IN THE WINDOW AND RAN ALL DAY! If I ever get the energy and time together, I'll see about taking it out again and re-fitting, as it were. - HEY! ERIC "The Bird-people", CAME IN THIS MORNING... TO SEE YONAH! He was out at the post office chatting with Jeff and I invited him in. I've been thinking that, if anybody in town would have "connections" who might come to try taking Yonah, he would. WELL, come to learn, HE KNOWS MUCH LESS about birds than I do! Didn't know that Yonah is a "he". Couldn't figure Yonah's age. Doesn't know much of much of anything! SO... I wonder what connection he actually has with the Audubon Society. "Bird counting" and that's it? One thing that was comforting (to me) was his comment about Yonah being "spoiled" and he can't see ANY threat of ANYBODY wanting to take Yonah away. (I pressed the issue that Yonah is now too accustomed to "people", flies with difficulty, couldn't escape predators...) AND... Eric wanted to know if he'd peck... so I let him put his hand in... Yonah DID peck at his hand! But, other people who aren't accustomed to it find it "painful"! Oh well. One thing that impressed me a bit was that Yonah was so relatively calm all the while we stood at his house, talking. He just lounged on his "food ledge", watching us! Part of me is glad that he doesn't have a dread of people... most of me is saddened that he's becoming that accustomed to people. (I pointed THAT out as well: IF he were to be "released", he'd have no healthy fear of people, putting him in a perfect condition to be murdered. Eric agreed.) So, looks like that's ONE LESS THREAT... although, I remain VERY MUCH AWARE... I have MUCH LESS TRUST of people than even Yonah has at this point... miserable shits, the lot of them. - Deborah came by today too. This morning she offered to stop to get batteries and duct tape in town so I gave her the other 20. So this after-noon, she came by with a package of 4 batteries (for Yonah's remote) and a roll of GOOD duct tape! Oh well... I'll hope there's enough of the cheap stuff to do the window and save the "Gorilla" for other things. Anyway, she stopped in to see Yonah too! (He was quite the "Celeb" today.) Again... Yonah's not completely comfortable with other people about but he's not as "skittish" as he used to be. Again... I have to say that, for the most part, I'm rather broken-hearted... he's TOO accustomed to people... But in my heart, he'll NEVER be a "pet"... nor will be EVER be "domesticated". He's a beautiful life from the world the way the world ought to be and that's how he'll stay... at least, in my heart. - AND... AS FOR THE QUNT'S CAT !!! *** I'D GONE TO THE KITCHEN FOR A COFFEE THIS MORNING AND THERE! RIGHT AT THE BACK DOOR, LAYING COMFY..."MEOW"... HEY! HE'S ADORABLE, GONE THROUGH HELL, BUT SO HAVE I. AND, I COULDN'T BRING MIMOU BECAUSE OF THE "HOUSE RULE" ABOUT "PETS"... I CRIED, ACHED, SUFFERED FOR MISSING HIM SO MUCH! *** AND *** THE QUNT SAID "GORDON" IS AN "IN-SIDE" CAT. I'M PRETTY SURE HE WAS IN THE "HOME" THE QUNT CAME FROM! I'M SPENDING TIME AND MONEY TO PROVIDE FOR THE YARDIES... I'VE BEEN HERE LONGER... SO I'VE CUT MORE PALLET WOOD... HERE COMES THE GATE! AND THEN? SCREENING OR EVEN A WALL. (As Dan has said: "I'd just fucking wall the damned thing up." OK... I can do that... I just need the lumber. A solid wall... and I'll even be kind enough to put "better" side out AND paint it white. Of course, I've no doubt that moronic imbecile will try hanging something on it. But, from the measurements and placement of the supports, it won't be that close to the railing... it'll be IN MY SPACE so...) There's quite a battle coming along... and how charming that I can go to Legal Aid/Public Defender for this... in case the Mass-hole wants to start shit... I'm ready! Willing! And looking forward to the challenge! It's time for "NYC" to make a come-back! As I was cutting the wood and such, I actually spoke with the old qunt too... I said I'm making a gate and mentioned her "Gordon". Also said that I want to "screen" my section against hawks. The qunt actually told me that the cat comes over here under the railings! FUCKING SHIT KNOWS !!! WELL? as it turned-out... she kept her little one in the house for the rest of the day. Mean-while... I'm going to see about ordered pepper and vinegar! See how that works out. - Oh... I mentioned the situation to McFuknut. THAT suggested that I merely "hiss" and that should do... FUKDATSHIT! HISS MY ARSE! I have an idea: a bit of cooked chicken wrapped round a glop of jerk seasoning. Anyway... let's see if the old thing keeps the cat away... until I can get to closing the back gallery off. - On the brighter side...
THE HUMMIES ARE STILL HERE! AND THERE ARE MORE OF THEM THIS YEAR! Moving the feeder to the back was a better idea. Probably safer for them... since they can escape predators... and there's no constant traffic back there. - Tomorrow though, I'll have to cut more wood for the gate and hopefully assemble. I HOPE I STILL have those hinges I "inherited" from the 5199 barn... If not... MORE EXPENSE DUE TO THAT NASTY THING NEXT DOOR. I'M TIRED OF THIS! REALLY AT THE END. - I'm EVER SO SORE TODAY! REALLY, REALLY SORE! The right clavicle. I can't think of why. It's not "in-side" pain... as in the lung. This is more like bone or muscle or both. Oh... falling apart... just falling apart. But it's painful. Or... maybe it's because of the sawing? One never knows about these things. Or... maybe it's the HEAT? It was at least 28° today! (Thankfully... 14° for tonight... I've left the fan in Yonah's window but closed the blinds down over it... if there's a "chill", it'll be directed up to the ceiling... behind the curtains.) - OH OH OH ... THE PAGE PROTECTORS ARRIVED TODAY... IN PERFECT CONDITION! I SAT WITH YONAH AND PUT ALL OF THE PAGES OF THE "AVIAN FIRST AID" CERTIFICATION INTO THEM... NOW, I JUST NEED THE BINDER! BUT FINALLY....THE BOOK IS COMING TOGETHER! - 19.57 It is just enough time for a nosh, Brit and shower... and off to the rack! I want to be up EARLY tomorrow morning... FIRST, to make sure the house doesn't get cold... I've turned Yonah's radiator off... (Set the house thermostat to 70F though... just in case... and I'm leaving his door open again... just in case) but too... I HAVE WORK TO DO ON THE JOURNALS... THIS ONE AND YONAH'S! I'm falling SO far behind again! It's this "chronic fatigue"! SHIT! - The HEAT is coming to settle-in! Friday and Saturday.., 28°! HERE WE GO! (Thankfully, there's a cooling-down after but... WOW! Slammed... in MAY!) - I'm in PAIN today too. I wonder what (if anything) the next "CT" will show... IF/WHEN THAT EVER HAPPENS. - 21.26 SHOWERED! YES! Still in pain... right shoulder... but SHOWERED! DELIGHTFUL! OFF TO THE RACK!
Thu.12.May: 6.22 Up with first alarm... bed-linens in to soak. Dressed. Washed and rinsed linens (and scrubs!). - At 5.51 "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo"! HOO! A "long call". But I was only just getting to the lavage! Oh well... of course, NOTHING supersedes MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL! And hearing that beautiful song in the morning just sets a heart completely "right". So... I was off to open his house, morning kisses and greetings. Got that done but still needed the basins for water relay. So, off to rinse and hang the washing, then get to the water relay... Washing on the lines... DONE! IMAGINE? And so early in the day! YAY! - Clear skies today too. Temperature this morning is a mere 9° with a "chill" of 8° but it doesn't feel even "cool". There's HEAT coming... and it isn't all that far away. Today's high? 28°. Friday, Saturday and Sunday? 28, 29, 28°! OH... HEAT HEAT HEAT! Well, at least no more ice! No more furnace! (Even though that means fukkall... with the rates for everything rising to the point where I'd almost like to physically injure somebody. But, I'm at the point now where, if I can "mooch"... off to "Public Assistance". FUKKIT! I've worked to pay into it... even when I wasn't paying into it. I remember LC saying, when I was "working on The Bronx River: You are the busiest so-called 'unemployed' person I've ever known! Even when you don't have a regular job... you're even busier than you would be if you DID have one. AND... I was working to benefit the boro, The City... so... I've EARNED what-ever it out there. It's just a matter of being paid for effort exerted already. FUKKEM! And that qunt over there, rolling into the state and sucking our resources... so fucking "entitled"... I'm taking MINE before THAT gets any. Moving along before we get too heavily dark... - THINGS to be done! - 16.32 THE BINDER FOR THE CERTIFICATE CLASS ARRIVED TODAY! IT'S TOO WIDE... I DON'T KNOW HOW/WHY, BUT... It arrived in a HUGE BOX! WAY over-packed. BUT... in perfect condition so... AND it will do quite nicely for the while, until I can get the binder I truly want. At least the documentation is protected now. And it sits nicely on the little table at the futon in the living-room... evidence... I'm qualified to attend my Little Guy! "FTW" as they say. - THE GATE FOR THE BACK GALLERY IS MADE! DONE! BUT... I thought I had hinges? Of course not! Only ONE complete hinge... ONE... and the other hinge? There's no "peg" AND the 2 pieces don't fit together. It's not like they cost me anything, but, they came from 5199 so, this is to be expected. I HAVE TO BUY HINGES NOW! And because the qunt seems to believe it has rule AND the Mass-hole is spineless. - Speaking of shit... McFuknut and the qunt were out back as I was working on the gate. McFuknut is doing a little "work" on the raised bed. Anyway... Gordon was meowing in the house and the qunt just HAD to comment about how SAD he is BECAUSE HE HAS TO STAY IN! (I didn't comment... just let it ride as if it had never bee said... HEY! YOU said he's an "in-door" cat... fucking useless liar that you are by nature anyway. I just can't give a shit. Besides, moron, you let that poor Little One out to roam with the cars and trucks rolling through on the drive? Inconsiderate... qunt.) -
I GOT TO SPEAK WITH JD TODAY ABOUT THE "DOXXING" BULL-SHIT! HE TOLD ME HIS COPY ARRIVED "ANONYMOUSLY" POST-MARKED "ALBANY"! AND HE'S COMMUNICATED WITH THE INSTIGATOR! ON-LINE! SHE SAYS THEY'LL PROBABLY NOT BE UP THIS SUMMER! HE PUT HER IN HER PROPER PLACE... AFTER ALL... HE AND HIS FAMILY ARE HISTORY HERE... SHE 'S NOT! HE'S NOT AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT BEING "DOXXED" AND HE EVEN KNOWS THE TERM! CALLED HER FOR WHAT SHE IS... "RACIST"! I TOLD HIM TO LOOK HER UP AND THE ARTICLE FROM "ADK LIFE"... "SHE'S A RACIST!" HE SAID. HE EVEN MENTIONED GOING OVER, TAKING A PHOTO OF HER PLACE AND "DOXXING" HER FOR THE RACIST THAT SHE IS. AFTER ALL... IF IT'S OK FOR HER... (Oh... and he's a "Libertarian"... "Conservative" I should think.) ANYWAY... there we have it. "Accomplis"... as they say
Did a "quick check" of the front porch... IT'S 104°F OUT THERE ALREADY! And this is only the beginning of the heat! BUT... at least the fans will use less electric than the furnace... and the radiator... again, not that it matters... with the rates/cost of everything gone to insanity! - 19.09 MY FAN IS IN THE BED-ROOM TONIGHT! IT'S 27° IN HERE! The "promise" is for a low of 15° tonight. Imagine? That wasn't even the daily "high"... not so long ago. Problem though... THIS is a HUMID hot! AND... tomorrow and Saturday... 29°! OK... I'm "done"... "well done". - 20.04 Day is DONE! Yonah is tucked-in for the night, comfy, safe (as safe as can be in this shit-box). There are fans in his room and mine! AIR CIRCULATING! (Although HIS is cleaner... filtered. - I'm planning on a shower... BY 21.00! "Planning"... - I AM SO FAR BEHIND IN MY JOURNAL AND STILL 2 DAYS BEHIND ON YONAH'S. NOTES, NOTES, AND MORE NOTES! THIS "CHRONIC FATIGUE"... (depression, aggravation, exhaustion)! And it's SO HOT in here tonight! Well... Tomorrow is a "nothing day" and threatening 29° so... A day at the work table... WITH MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL! and trying to catch-up... AGAIN! - OH OH OH! THE RENT CHEQUE FINALLY HIT THE ACCOUNT! WELL... AT LEAST THE MASS-HOLE DIDN'T LOSE IT! Paying by cheque is comforting... really. I have proof, evidence... I'll probably need it one of these days... at the rate things are going around here. Fucking asylum, that it is. - 22.03 WELL-SHOWERED. CLEAN LINENS! FAN ON. CHECKING FOR "INTRUSIVE LIGHT", NOT BAD. Slightest bit through where the draw strings are through the slats... AND, OF COURSE, EVEN THAT LITTLE BIT OF LIGHT... RIGHT ACROSS THE PILLOW! WILL BE INTERESTING.
Fri.13.May: 19 MONTHS - *** ANNIVERSARY ***
9.07 I never turned the phone/alarm back on and this morning... well... I DID manage to sleep-through (almost) the night, last night. Woke at 3.00 this morning, for no apparent reason other than it was chilly. The fan was off. I was SO comfy, no socks on the feet, wearing the scrubs, I laid there for a moment thinking I could go back to sleep or get up. (I was actually "rested"... with 3 hours of "sleep".... Lights went out at about 22.45 last night, I remember looking at the clock at 23.55... I'd dozed, and went right to "sleep".) BUT... IT WAS CHILLY IN THE BED-ROOM AND I HAD TO CHECK YONAH'S ROOM SO... I got up. His fan was still running and it was about 68F on the fan! The "auto" wasn't working! I was pissed! So I used "my" remote and turned the fan off. (Convenient... and a blessing, that remote.) Noting: I learnt, this morning, the "MODE" setting is for "auto"! After all these years... Call me "slow". Anyway, loo and back to the rack until. I woke again, at 5.00, on my own, and as I planned the day, dozed-off and woke, looked at the clock... it was 6.10! JUMPED up out of the rack and headed for the kettle and as I waited for water to boil, checked on Yonah. He was AWAKE... a soft "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo". SO, this morning was another back-and-forth, coffee, kitchen, Yonah. AND, when THAT was done, I don't know WHAT struck me, but, whites and the blue shirt went into the basin to soak. Not, mind, that it wasn't "necessary". So, now, washing on the lines on the gallery, kitchen is settled, Yonah is settled, I'm settled, the day is settled... and it's still cool enough to be comfy BUT.... the fans are back on, so the temperatures are rising out there and in here. (I have doors and windows open for now.) Forecast? 22° now and 30°/29° AT 15.00! 13/13° for tonight's low... at 4.00 tomorrow morning. - OH... Yonah's room wasn't as BRIGHT as I'd expected so that's a good thing. But, I'm still not thrilled about this lighting situation. Hey... dear NYSEG can bill me for what-ever comes up... I'm making NO effort any more. "Budget" and that's that. And if they make it difficult? Fine. I'll send a money order, deduct the cost of money order and postage, and, if need, send a complaint to the PSC and such. (And go for some kind of "hand-up" from what-ever I have available. Fukkem!) - On that note, I'm sitting here and running into "want-to-snooze". I sit, I snooze. This shit needs to go! And I have DAYS to catch-up on here, on this Journal and am back to being 2 days behind on Yonah's Journal now today too. THIS needs to be addressed as well. - For the moment-at-hand... its 23° in Yonah's room... and I want to get SOMETHING actually caught-up so... ON WITH THE DAY! AND... ***** 19 MONTHS !!! WE'VE PASSED THE "18 MONTHS"... YONAH HAS SURELY PASSED *HIS* 18 MONTHS !!! And he's in a playful mood this morning so... 19 MONTHS !!! -
20.24 THIS journal is screwed all the way back to the 10th! BUT... YONAH'S is CURRENT... save for images... but we have tomorrow! It's supposed to be brutally hot... but right now I'm tired. It's hot and humid. I could stand another shower but can't afford the gas for the hot water. Oh well... I did nothing all day anyway and doing the same tomorrow. And NOT really planning on going any-where. I mean, REALLY... it isn't even as though I "visit", nor does any-body come here to visit. So, as long as I don't "offend"... me or Yonah.... I really can't care any more... or less. - The "groceries" from Amazon arrived today. I'm LOADED with apple cider vinegar now. TWO fucking LARGE bottles! I'll have to start taking it daily. Maybe it'll help with cholesterol or something. THREE bottles of lemon juice! I opened the tahini and mixed it with yoghurt for dessert tonight (the other one is still in the fridge... closed... I believe?... GOOD STUFF! Tastes really good in the vanilla yoghurt. TWO containers of white pepper! I can ward off the Devil at this point... but... I'm thinking a wall between the two galleries. All I need is the lumber... and that's COSTLY! So it will have to wait. A "deer fence" ought to "make a point" in the mean-while. - OH... the new bag of bird seed arrived too... almost NO sunflower seeds! FUCKERS! I was hoping there'd be quite a lot more of those... to plant. BUT the smaller seeds are good for the Little Ones and hopefully the doves will come back now. Tomorrow... we plant some in the kitchen garden. But for now... Brit, nosh and rack. This day is done! - 23.00 fucking late AGAIN! I really need to work on this "late night" bull-shit!
BUT... HAPPY 19-MONTH ANNIVERSARY MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL! Tuck-in was at about almost 20.00 tonight, again. I DO swear that, if I were to simply stay up with him through the night, he would. It's almost as if we share in the thought that a day goes by too quickly. I wish I could put into proper words, just how much I DO SO LOVE HIM! He's such a BLESSING... AN HONOUR... A PRIVILEGE! I don't know how or why he came into my life... a life that I was just going to let go of until... He's my constant source of AWE... and, well... I'll do EVERY-THING HUMANLY POSSIBLE to make sure that he's cared-for and about... and ALWAYS SAFE, COMFORTABLE, SECURE... for as long as he draws Earthly breath. And when he stops... WE stop. But... 19-months! I NEVER would have even imagined, NEVER would have thought or expected. LITERALLY... my HEART-AND-SOUL, ONE AND THE SAME.
Sat.14.May: 5.39 CONTRACTION left leg at 3.00 4 hours of "sleep" , or what-ever it is I manage of a night... and then... after the "break"... back to fall DEEP asleep (if that's what I do). BUT I'm up and about already because I FORCED me out of the rack on the first alarm this morning. I WANT to be READY for "morning call"!!! - 19.30 YONAH'S SITE IS CURRENT AT LAST! PHOTOS, VIDEOS AND ALL! THIS, JOURNAL, HOW-EVER... IS ALL NOTES, BACK TO... THE 10TH! I'VE A SHIT-LOAD TO GET DONE ON THIS! WELL... tomorrow is supposed to be rain all day... (I can hope because it's been HELL today... 28° in Yonah's room!)
10 people got murdered in Tops in Buffalo this after-noon! AND, of course, the politics and pure racism (a word I despise) is rampant... and it's only MAY! And I wanted to go shopping tomorrow... imagine that. At "Tops". Odd, in a way, but it this were in The City, it wouldn't make any difference at all, really. I mean, Buffalo is even farther away from here than, say, Jamaica (Queens) from The Bronx. But, some-how, I just dread that some "local" will take a notion... ONE "local" (as it were), THE ACTUAL RACIST IN NEW RUSSIA/ELIZABETHTOWN. I just have a feeling there's SHIT to follow... here. Maybe it's just time I went back to the ROOTS: NEW YORK CITY! HERE WE COME AGAIN. I've been through more shit in my life-time, from Parkchester to the Shelter... This shit is peanuts in comparison. I just have to be a nasty shit again... Fuck these turds. Really. And the reports are that the gun-man is from "many hours away" from Buffalo... didn't say which direction, but... I wonder if not from Essex? HAH! Anyway, social media is in "attack". More shit. - I keep smelling "Dry Cleaning" in Yonah's room... his fan is on "draw"... The filtre? I hope not! It worked well last night. Not letting in too much light. Glad about that. But I HOPE it isn't "treated" with all sorts of chemicals! FUCK!
20.56 Yonah's journal is posted... and I'm tired... and it's hot and humid... and the qunt's door must be open because I can hear the TV or what-ever over there. Odd how the sound travels OUT of this shit-box. But... I have to say that this shooting in Buffalo bothers me... I think of Nell Painter and her instigating around here. Wouldn't put it past the hag to pull shit in NR! AND... attack this house! Fucking mentally ill thing. Let's just hope not. - Meanwhile... I've had my pills and am ready for a nosh and Brit and rack. - OH... looked-up how long this "atorvastatin" is supposed to take to make any difference in my cholesterol. WELL... THIS is my 6th week AND THIS is supposed to be the week that there ought to be a reduction of about 50%! (90 count, 50 left...) Should be interesting. The blood-work is supposed to be drawn when I go for the CT so... we shall see. And, statins are supposed to be good for treating heart troubles too, I see. (American Heart Ass.) So, we'll see about that as well. Meanwhile... I'm jsut too tired and am jotting notes. Time to stop. - 22.30 My little Heart-and-Soul is tucked-in for the night... I'M RUNNING LATE. (I suppose I can stop commenting on that... It's more "news-worthy" when I'm "early"... shit). Anyway... maybe tomorrow I'll get up on time to get things together and get out of here and head to town... BEFORE the crowds. I want those hinges... Deborah's offered to drive me in... I've said "Yes"... Why not? I shouldn't push this brakes situation. We'll see how it turns out. For right now... OFF TO THE RACK... the day is DONE!
Sun.15.May: Up with first alarm... coffee on a 4.58! I'm still note sure how! But... here we are and the day rolls! -
6.15 "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo"... MY HEART-AND-SOUL IS UP AND READY TO TAKE-ON THE DAY! AND... BECAUSE OF THAT... SO TOO, AM I! He's a bit "later"... than his 6.06. But it's a cool morning, dark from the clouds. Looks like it's gonna rain (YEAH!). I hope it does! We could use the break in the heat! (Although, COOL nights ahead... SINGLE DIGITS AGAIN. I have to figure out how this is going to be in Yonah's room. I HOPE I don't have to remove the fan!) - 8.09 Managed a 12-minute snooze. Hahd-berled 4 eggs. Crushed the "berld" shells that have been drying in the fridge... adding some to the Yardie food. The "Mrs."iz will be needing the extra calcium for the egg-laying season. Kitchen 'tidy". Accepting Deb's offer of a lift. SO TIRED so suddenly. -
8.53 Bird seed planted in the kitchen garden! I made some trenches and poured the new seed in. There were surprisingly more sun-flower seeds than I thought. AND I even put the hose on and watered it all in. Now... let's see what happens.
11.19 POURING! AT LAST! AND... I MADE IT TO AUBUCHON'S, KINNEY'S AND TOPS! AND WAS BACK BY 10.30! - Checked to see if there was any "word" from Deborah... This morning, she'd sent a brief: something about going to get Nancy's paper and then coming to get me. I just can't accept the running of the road, the time, the gas. MY suggestion was that she could pick me up, drop me at Tops... I could do my shopping whilst she dropped by at Nancy's and by the time she was done and ready to go home, I'd be done too. AND I said to CALL! But NOOOOO... OK. I'm sure she means well, but... I sat here pondering how to do this on my own until I hit "that moment" when I simply said "JUST GO! If the truck starts and rolls with-out too much bother... JUST GO!" and so... I GO'ed! AND, just checking e-mails... E-mails from Deborah... no phone calls... oh... phone doesn't work at Nancy's, internet at home slow... WHAT ever... Seriously... this e-mail/text bull-shit. If you can't push a few buttons to ring a phone number and SPEAK... well then... Not important to you? Not important to me. AND.... with brakes, I REALLY NEED wiper blades! Anyway... under 45 minutes... ALL DONE! - The FUCK of it today? Tops... OVER 70$ for nothing! Just barely filled the tote! THIS has gotten REPULSIVE! And... Now... on with the day... in the "deluge". -
12.36 Evening Grossbeaks at the pine feeder! Yellow, Black, White, Brown... BEAUTIFUL! 6 OF THEM! 3 P PAIRS! SO GORGEOUS!
13.50 FUCKING THWACKING THE DAMNED SCREEN DOOR... SO I FUCKINGSLAMMED THE INSIDE DOOR AND SURE AS SHIT... THE QUNT SLAMS THE SCREEN DOOR! AND MY NERVES ARE TINGLING! Oh well... back to trying to catch-up with this Journal! POOR YONAH! AND THIS UN-NECESSARY MAYHEM IN THIS SHIT-BOX! And nothing listed for other places. I'm looking forward to getting the truck running properly again and... well... Yonah and I will take a road-trip... to the WEST... Watertown and environs. Seems the good places and affordable rents are out that way... and, I dare say, no invasive "New Englanders" that far over. One hopes. - 16.21 DONE! DONE! DONE!.... THIS JOURNAL IS NOW UP-TO-DATE AGAIN! THAT WAS ALMOST THE ENTIRE DAY! I TRULY NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY! I NEED TO "SCHEDULE" A DAY... CERTAIN TIMES FOR CERTAIN THINGS. I DON'T KNOW HOW I EVER MANAGED TO SWAY AWAY FROM DOING THAT. I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT IT! - But, it's been a whole day with Yonah... It's rained most of the day, and he's been "roosting". The fan has been drawing OUT... to push air through the filtre... I still smell that "Dry Cleaning" so, hopefully, if it's in the filtre... the fan will blow it out. And it's been an almost steady 24,6° in the room. Comfy. - AND WE'VE PLAYED... I've had a 30-minute snooze... and now... WHERE DID MY DAY GO? Meal is on the bleating hob already! - Thankfully... no further disturbances from the qunt. But... IT SAID, ON THE PHONE, YESTERDAY, I OVER-HEARD... IT'S GOING TO HAVE VISITOR(S) IN JUNE! JEEZUS KRISTE! I NEED TO BLOCK THE GALLERY! I'm so fucking tired of this bull-shit.... I truly am. - But for now... CAUGHT-UP... imagine that! - (16.42 THIS JOURNAL IS NOW CURRENT TO THE MOMENT... AT LAST! NOW... I have to work on Yonah's... for today! But, meal on the hob... I just have to keep awake long enough through... Oh... I OUGHT to shower tonight too... "boots and gloves"... nothing "extravagant", moments only, really... and it's been WEEKS! It just hit and I went with the moment. Ought to be more often. I miss those days...) - OK... moving on... I'm posting all of today's catch-up to the server before I lose it all on the lap-top. It's been fucking about lately... And today's work goes all the way back to the closing of the 9th! Talk about irresponsible! - 16.50 POSTED! CURRENT AGAIN! AT LONG LONG LONG LAST! - 20.31 Yonah is tucked-in for the night. His Journal is current. This Journal is current. I'm tired and was SO tempted to simply jot notes BUT... NO MORE! - It's nice and comfy in the house now... though warm. I'm not complaining. The low is expected to be 13° so... we'll hold the warmth. The front door is open and I can hear the robins out there chirping away. - From all the rain today... EVERYTHING'S GONE SO COMPLETELY GREEN! IT ALL JUST HAPPENED! INSTANTLY! GREEN! LUSH! And there's a mist rising up to the ridge. The peepers are peeping. It's one of those delightful evenings that I used to enjoy so much... almost 3 year ago. Alas. - Anyway... time to wrap this day up, post this to servers, have a nosh (I got THREE ice cream today... FRENCH VANILLA... there are FOUR of them in there now... WOOHOO!), a Brit and... probably not a shower... - Tomorrow? We'll see what's to come. It's supposed to be the last of the HOT days... I hope so... because with this rain, the seeds I planted should start to take. Now I'll have to see about them surviving!!! Especially the sun-flowers! BUT, there are more seeds and I can order more now. So there we have it! - Post time! - 21.57 Off to the teeth and rack... never mind a shower.
Mon.16.May: 5.44 Dressed. It's HUMID! BUT... WOW! DID EVERY-THING EVER JUST EXPLODE INTO GREEN YESTERDAY! And me, this morning? Well... up with the second alarm... begrudgingly as usual. But I'm dressed and such. "Heavy" in the chest. I know I'm just over-doing with the smoking again. Stop smoking. Lose weight. There we have it. This morning's "pains" are where they've been: right clavicle. So, nothing's moving about. But the journals are to-date... there's that. And nothing on the agenda for today... other than, perhaps, making the gate for the back, sorting through some images... THEN we get to re-write 1100 pages of code... and get Yonah's site together! Meanwhile... at least, only up once last night... only to pee. How charming. - Monday... here we are. - 14.25 THE GATE IS ON THE BACK GALLERY!!! AND THE QUNT WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN I STARTED... IT WAS ALSO THERE WHEN I PLANTED MORE SUN-FLOWER SEEDS (which I sifted out of this batch of Audubon and tossed with white pepper before planting... ALL of the other seeds were neatly dug-up!). SAT RIGHT THERE, READING... AND SAID NOTHING. OH... "LOL". I'M GRATEFUL. PEACE AT LAST! - Anyway... There's more work to be done on the gate but it's "there". The hardest work is done! - Deborah rang today... One of the cashiers at Tops "rescued" a baby bird this morning and Deborah sent me her name and number. We don't know what sort of bird it is, but she thinks it's a Blue Jay... I'm tempted but... apparently it's new-born... I don't have the where-with-all AND I don't know how Yonah would take to a Jay. I might just call later to check. MIGHT. - And "Mediterranean" chicken has been baked. It was still rather frozen this morning, but 3 hours in the oven... we shall see. AND, yesterday's chicken is "jerked" and in the freezer. - AND... I'm working on more of Yonah's photos too! Keeping "busy". - 26° in Yonah's room... and I'm still smelling "Dry Cleaning". I think it's ME! I have to wonder. - 20.14 I AM SO TIRED AGAIN! I MEAN... ACHINGLY TIRED! I can't imagine why... it was a relatively good day. And we DID get a bit of a storm... dark skies, blustry winds... thankfully, the electric stayed on though. Which reminds me... NYSEG called twice this after-noon... round about 13.30 and 13.45. I wonder what they want! I checked the account and sure enough... I have a "late balance" on the account. BUT... the "chart" for useage? IT BLATANTLY SHOWS THE MAJOR DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY USAGE AND HE AMOUNT BILLED! I don't give a shit. And I'm seeing some sort of "Past Due Forgiveness" program info on the site... If they want to fuck about... Meanwhile, maybe it was a recorded "warning" about the storm. The radio was interrupted several times during the day with the warnings... Thankfully we didn't get the "quarter-size hail"! - Anyway... we got rain. Fine. - I did call that number that Deborah gave me... and got "voice mail". Left my name and Yonah's number, offered to help, if the Little One survived. No call-back so... It had better not come tonight! - Quntie, next door, didn't come back out today... but I heard it thwacking its door at about 20.00. I'm sure it's not pleased about the gate but... I was told "no cat"... and lef Mimou in VT. I was told no smoking... and walked to the river. I didn't make a fuss about the washer. Merely mentioned the drive way and parking... I COULD be a terrorist... (and I'm about to become one, to be sure). So that shit can sit there and fuck itself into oblivion. THIS is MY porch/gallery and I shall handle it as I see fit! - It's no wonder I'm exhausted... aggravation... - Anyway... Yonah is tucked-in... the events of today are, for the most part, HIM and they're on his Journal. - The storm has passed, there's another to be expected. - I have the fans in the windows... but Yonah's blinds and curtains are covering his so he should be OK. The house thermostat is set for 62°F again. 10 tonight... single digits coming during the week. - OH... and a chipmunk was getting after the seeds in the kitchen garden so I sprinkled pepper on the soil... it seems to work... but I'll have to keep up with it. Oh well... HOPEFULLY we'll get SOME sun-flowers! - For now... I'm posting to the servers, having my nosh, Brit... MAYBE a shower (probably not) and to the rack! It's already 20.26... and I'd started the Journals EARLY! TIME... SOMETHING'S TERRIBLY WRONG WITH IT THESE DAYS! - 21.59 and no shower... but journals are current... 22.00! NO MATTER HOW I TRY...
Tue.17.May: 5.45 5.30 alarm... DOUBLE CONTRACTION AT THE 5.00 ALARM THIS MORNING! HORRID! BOTH THIGHS! ALL I DID WAS ROLL OVER TO STOP THE ALARM AND... WOW! I WAS TERRIFIED THAT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO STAND! BUT I MANAGED TO GET UP AND BRACE AGAINST THE CLOSET UNTIL THE CONTRACTIONS STOPPED! I was going to get up and out of the bed but was SO EXHAUSTED from the PAIN that I flopped back into the bed... and got up with the 5.30 alarm... thankfully... painlessly! FUCK! Made it through the night to wake to the shit! But... - (Catching-up at 9.06 on Wed.) 19.41 Day is done AND THE FURNACE IS RUNNING AGAIN! JEEZUS! I'm just SO thankful that I broke and got that "emergency"! At least THIS year we're not "freezing"... in bloody May. BUT... I've yet to check how much oil is in the tank. Hey... at least I have about 100$ toward the next round. What-ever. There's no "promise" that Yonah and I will be here for the "next round". - This day went by too firggin' quickly though. But then, they ALL do of late. - 20.42 Finished Yonah's Journal.. and I have more photos... from today... he went SWIMMING! So of course there are photos. And there's SO much MORE work to be done all the others... Editing is on Nov. 2021 though... and then I get to re-write the site pages. Gee... "Retirement". But then, I remember LC saying, in the "Norwood Days", when I worked on The Bronx River: "You are the busiest un-employed person I've ever met. It really is amazing that you can ever find time for a regular job." That's me: burn this old body to death. After all... isn't that what "life" is about? - Tonight, I MUST shower though, before heading to the rack. (Boots) But I'm SO TIRED right now. Nothing new there. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. - Yonah's radiator is back on for tonight. The fan is in his window and the house set at 66F. Ah... BUT THE FORECAST FOR SATURDAY IS... 33°! Only the one day, but still... Good thing I don't "work" n Saturday. But I doubt many others will... at that temperature. - NOTING: THE BOTTOM-FRONT TEETH ARE GIVING ME CONCERN THIS EVENING. THEY FEEL "ODD", AS IF THERE'S MORE SPACE BETWEEN THEM. THEY DON'T LOOK IT. MAYBE IT'S ALL THE PLAQUE THAT HAD BUILT-UP IN THERE ALL THOSE YEARS THEY WERE "BANDED". I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HOW MANY YEARS... WELL OVER 10. AND THEY'RE SENSITIVE TO COLD WATER TONIGHT. TAP WATER. JOLLY-FUCK! WATCH THEM START BREAKING NOW. I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. AND THERE'S NOT A THING I CAN DO ABOUT THEM NOW. Oh... the "UGLIES" are coming... rapidly. To think of the days in The City... and now... We're falling apart. But... that's the way it is. - There hasn't been a word, nor a cookie from Deborah all day today. I wonder. Yesterday she said she wasn't feeling well. She has "mystery ailments" too. Heart and such that these "geniuses" can't figure out. (Familiar to me!) I'm thinking of rolling down there tomorrow for river water. (I could, technically, get mosses and trees there too, but I don't want to push.) (I need to get sand for Yonah too... but that's up here.) I'll have to park in the "angler's lot" because I can't roll down her drive. But if I don't hear... I'll make a point of stopping by during the day. - OH... I've figure a "latch" for the back gate! See? If I don't RUSH into things... things work out. I'll have to work on that tomorrow... along with catching-up with this Journal (before it falls 5 days behind again! shit!). - For now... - 22.24 I'm SHOWERED! READY FOR THE RACK AT LAST! - Two e-mails from Deborah: she's been ill... vomiting and such. Says she's calling the doctor tomorrow. I have to think of how this must be for her... doctor in The City and the so-called "medical" here. Makes me remember: I MUST get the truck in order... and get to Albany! (Oh... was talking with Robin and the PO and she mentioned Albany Med... says she owes them the world... THEY SAVED HER HUSBAND... He'd been in a horrible accident up by Jay, NY, some years ago, given-up for gone, induced coma and such. But Albany Med fixed him up. I needed to hear that.) Anyway... this day is done. It's chilly tonight. It ain't July yet. But Yonah will be warm through... And nothing other than that matters. - OFF to the RACK!
Wed.18.May: 5.38 Up and dressed and the sky is clear, the sun is washing over the ridge, there's a breeze and it was CHILLY in the house at 5.15-ish! - Stayed up to read until almost 23.30! Woke at 3.00 this morning... loo only, thankfully, and then back to the rack until the clock read 5.00... I dozed until the 5.15. alarm and... here I am. - Feeling? Well... "tight-heavy" in the chest but up and about. - Things to do this morning. Fill in yesterday's notes for one... Photo work too. - 5.42 Something just went by the front of the house and "crunched"... last time that happened at about this hour, the moron took the street signs down. I'm in from my quick smoke... we'll see if there's damage on next step-out. I can't care. - 7/6° I see... High of 17 today but sun. Might make it to the river for water! (I NEED to, actually... and mosses and trees for Yonah too!) - 33° on Saturday! WTF? - 6.55 WELL! Yonah is up. Water relay done. Fresh pepper on the kitchen garden and FRESH NECTAR for the hummies! Busy, busy, busy. - But this morning is turning a touch "episodic". Something didn't settle well in the stomach, and the head's a bit "spinny". Ah... "It's just a bit of 'scar tissue'." DOLTS! One of these days... HEY! Hopefully, after I'm gone, somebody will stumble upon this journal and see... THEY don't know WHAT the fuck they're actually talking about. Sure, the "blood work" shows nothing "too" off". But then again, it was MONTHS before they discovered Bob Taylor's MRSA... and when they did, it was too late. Incompetent incompetents. But... we go through what we can, for as long as we can, as best we can. - Skies are clear. There's still a chill... so we go on. - 9.04 THE FURNACE IS RUNNING! Sun is shining. Breezes are blowing... 23 ° in Yonah's room. And I had a 20-minutes snooze... Oh well... Off to "work"... - 9.25 Yesterday is done... Now for Yonah's this morning and... back-up the files here... this lap-top is due for an "up-date"... and then? PHOTOS and then? The rest of the day! - 16.08 6 juice jugs of water... 2 trips to the river. One more trip would have re-filled the Walmarde jug but... Stopped to chat with Dan on the 2nd trip and... I'm too damned tired! - 16.27 OK! HERE WE GO NOW! MD OFFICE RINGS ABOUT THE CT: BECAUSE OF EMPIRE... I HAVE TO GO TO PLATTSBURGH FOR THE DAMNED THING! LIZTOON IS "OUT OF NETWORK"! WTAF? BUT... THE CLINIC DIDN'T HAVE MY "AID" CARD ON FILE, BUT SHE FOUND IT AND SAID THAT BECAUSE "CARE" COVERS IT, AND "AID" PROBABLY WILL, SHE MIGHT HAVE TO GET AUTH FROM EMPIRE BUT MAYBE NOT. IF I WERE TO GO TO LIZTOON, I'D BE HIT WITH AN OUTRAGEOUS BILL! SO... WE HAVE TO DROP THE EMPIRE NOW BECAUSE... WELL... ANY MEDICAL WILL DEFAULT TO PLATTSBURGH! IF I STICK WITH THE OLD WAY... I CAN GO LOCAL. I'M WAITING FOR A CALL-BACK FROM THE CLINIC AND TOMORROW... I'LL BE ON THE PHONE TO EMPIRE... ALL I WANTED WAS DENTAL... AND I DON'T GET THAT ANYWAY SO... HOPEFULY I CAN GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE... ALL THE WAY... HOPEFULLY. I'LL CALL MEDICARE TOMORROW... GODS HAVE MERCY AND HELP ME !!! - Meanwhile, another 2 trips to the river and water will be fine. Tomorrow' forecast is rain so I can put the trees out in that. - And meal is on the hob. I need a shower tonight... I'm exhausted... but only because of aggravation. - At least the doors are open, fans are on... it's only but about 21° in Yonah's room, but the fresh air is welcome. It's hotter out there than in here! And tonight? More chill. - OH. THE OIL IS *JUST* BELOW THE 3/4 LINE! NOT BAD! - 19.56 Yonah is tucked-in... and I'm SO TIRED! (Nothing new about the "tired".) The sun is JUST dipping behind Greene Mountain, and I had to kick the furnace up. From 3-5.00 tomorrow morning... 6° and then... 7° and the rain is due. 5° on Thursday night and NOW... 34° on Saturday! HORRID! But... here we go! I just wonder, if it's THIS hot in May... June? July? August? Well... we'll know when we get there. - Right now... time to keep-up with Journals... have a nosh, get a shower... off to the rack. Wednesday is done! - 22.08 "Quick showered" and off to the rack! That's all I'm going to say about the situation.
Thu.19.May: 8.18 I'd read a few more chapters before "lights out" last night and didn't "close the day" until about 23.00. Typical... bull-shit... I probably might have read more but I'm almost done with the entire book and I'm just not ready to end it yet... Probably tonight though. - Had one brief CONTRACTION of the left foot during the night. Had to get up and pace the living-room a couple of times... I think it was at about mid-night. After that... the 5.00 alarm... then the 5.15... and I had to SHOVE me out of the bed! Oh well... - But, the "whites" are on the rack in the shower, to dry... washed. Yonah woke at 6.21. - It's "dark"... over-cast. The forecast is still calling for all sorts of rains but the "radar" says they'll be to the South. We'll see, I was hoping to put trees and plants out in the rain today so... probably none. Oh well... another trip(s) to the river for water. - The Town Clowns were there a moment or so ago... FOUR of them to mow "the park"! Honestly! The fuckery. Thankfully, no "dust-blowing" though. There's that. - And today? Well... I have "Photo Pages" to code for Yonah's site. Would like to get the latch done for the gallery gate. And there's Medicare to deal with. There's some mending to be done. And right now... I want a snooze... 3 hours have passed... I'm due... fuck. - 19.10 Turned into QUITE THE DAY...:
I'm going to do a "bullet list" here:
• THE GALLERY GATE LATCH IS DONE! I really had NO intention of finishing it today, and really didn't want to be bollocksed with it, but, I started to make the "catch" part and that just moved me right along to the "swing bar" which moved me to finishing the catch and the next thing I knew... DONE! The only thing left is to tied the "catch" piece to the rail post. DONE! (I might put a bit of some kind of "grey paint" on the whole thing to blend it with the rest of the porch... MIGHT.) One little "mis-hap"... I ALMOST drilled deeply into the kitchen counter-top... there's a tiny hole, not very deep nor large in the top now and it's dark. But I put some epoxy in it to seal it... shitty job but... there it is and I can't care, really.
• THE NEW MODEM WAS DELIVERED... BY FedEx... TO FUCKING NEXT-DOOR! "IT" RANG ME:
"Jude. It's Rita. You have a box on my front porch!" CLICK!
After going through HELL, I FINALLY got somebody at Spectrum and told them of the situation and the troubles turmoil and such that it's caused. The guy was amazing and we talked for quite a while. He's on "Minds"! Imagine that. Anyway, Spectrum will send somebody to get the modem from next door. I rang the qunt to inform. I'm NOT going over there for ANYTHING and I'M LIVID... that FedEx delivered to there. I hope the shit-sack gets fired! (I'll see what I can do to facilitate. I'm FUCKING BLOODY PISSED!
• CONTACTED EMPIRE ABOUT THE "OUT OF NETWORK" CLAIM... THE ON-LINE "KRISTINA" SAYS THAT THERE'S BEEN NO APPLICATION FOR APPROVAL ON RECORD FOR THE CT AND THAT LIZTOON *IS* "IN NETWORK"... SO NOW, I HAVE TO CALL THE FUCKING CLINIC/HOSPITAL BACK AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE PULLING. OTHER-WISE... I'M OUT OF EMPIRE. FUCK THIS SHIT. AND ""KRISTINA" WAS JUST RUDE.
• Never got to Yonah's pages all day... and not because I napped... The bloody gate took most of the day.
The trees got some rain today though. That's good. The fucking furnace ran almost constantly most of the day... set at 62F. It was cloudy all day and damp. - Tonight's news says electric costs are about to rise again. Gas up to 6$/gal for cheap. I'm in "Burn-out shut-down". Can't care about it now. - And tomorrow, Spectrum is sending a "Tech" to deliver and install the new modem... Can't wait... in the bedroom... boots and the papier maché heads! (And I'm expecting the fat, bald guy to be the "Tech". Should be "interesting". I'm not making any "particular arrangements" in the room. I told them they could just send another one but the Cust. Svce. guy said better to send the Tech than risk a second mis-delivery. Point well made. Meanwhile... the other one sits on the porch round the corner and Spectrum is "on alert" about that one over there. - Poor Yonah... I'd planned on a day with him today and the gate took that away from us. I'm bitter/angry because that gate shouldn't have been necessary and if that thing next door hadn't been given "privilege" with the cat... Well... "Our day will come"... - Evening meal was done... from hob to washing-up in under 45 minutes. And now I'm tired. - Tech supposed to be here between 11-noon tomorrow. Out to be a quick job, I'll do my best to see to it... I'd like to get to the river again for more water and try to get a couple new trees for Yonah.... now that the gate is done. - I doubt I'll mow the lawn tomorrow though... so it will have to be done on Sunday... if it's not too hot. - Saturday's high is back down to 32°, still... MISERABLE. - 19.28 Time to wind-down the day... as the furnace runs... A-FUCKING-GAIN! IT'S 21,9° IN YONAH'S ROOM! FUCK! - 21.47 IMAGINE... NOT 22 or 23.00! Now... let's see how I'll be punished.
Fri.20.May:18.31 I am only JUST getting to ANY of the Journals for the day. And WHAT A DAY IT WAS! IT'S STILL 24° OUT THERE WITH THE SUN SHINING! AND TONIGHT'S LOW... 17°! TOMORROWS HIGH... 31°, LOW 18°! FINALLY. AND THE DOORS AND WINDOWS WERE OPEN TODAY... THE BREEZE COMING IN THROUGH YONAH'S WINDOW WAS SUCH THAT WE DIDN'T NEED THE FAN! - Yonah woke at 5.56 and with the morning routine... the day just rolled, non-stop, save one 20-minute snooze at about 14.00 (and Yonah snoozed with!). - Last night? One CONTRACTION... Lights went out at atbout 22.30... I actually couldn't read the last several pages of the book, I was THAT exhausted. And then... of course... because I'd gotten to the rack at a decent hour... FUCKED... A quick few paces in the living-room and back to the rack... still stiff but managed to fall back to "sleep". Did NOT want to get up at 5.15 but... - MOST of the day has been working on the photo slides on Yonah's site. - THE GUY FROM SPECTRUM NEVER SHOWED! WHEN I CHECKED ON-LINE... THE APPOINTMENT WAS POSTED AS BEING SCHEDULED IN 4973 ON 31 DECEMBER!!! 2036! WHEN I CALLED, THE "COMPUTER" VOICE TOLD ME THAT THE APPOINTMENT WAS FOR THIS MORNING... 12.00AM - 3.00AM! TALK ABOUT FUCKED. AND "JAMES" TODAY, ON THE PHONE, CONFIRMED THE RECORD AND SAID THAT THE GUY WOULD BE HERE TOMORROW BETWEEN 10-11. WTAF? OH WELL... GET IT AND GET IT DONE. - BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE! OH NO! THE NYSEG BILL CAME TODAY.... WITH A "PAST DUE" BALANCE AND... *** A THREAT TO SEND THE ACCOUNT TO COLLECTIONS *** !!! SO... PERHAPS ON MONDAY, I SHALL GIVE THE NICE FOLKS A RING... WE'LL DISCUSS CONTINUED PAYMENTS WHEN OTHERS USED "COVID" AS AN EXCUSE NOT TO PAY... A TICKET ON A PROMISE TO CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE STREET LIGHT... AND A UNILATERAL CHANGE IN A BUDGET PAYMENT WITH-OUT NOTICE. I'VE ALREADY POSTED A TITBIT TO TWATTERS ON THE MATTER... WITH A "ADDED" TO THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE. I'M IN ABSOLUTELY NO MOOD! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MORE YEARS THAN I CAN REMEMBER, THERE'S FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, COOKING, A FRIDGE, BILLS ARE COVERED TO-DATE, EVEN THE RENT. I'M NOT "COMFORTABLE" BUT... I HAVE A LOAN WITH A CIVIL CREDIT RATING... NO, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS BULL-SHIT! TIME TO FUCK OTHERS AS THEY FUCK UNTO ME. WHAT MAKES IT EVEN ***** WORSE ***** IS THAT YONAH SENSED MY ANXIETIES WHEN I GOT THE BILL !!! ***** SO YEAH... I'LL BE NOTIFYING AND CALLING. AND IF I HAVE TO HAND-WRITE I'LL BE BITCHING THIS TO THE MAX! FUCK IT ALL! - There... that off the chest, I also got the heavier sherpa washed, along with jeans and red-plaid shirt... they're off the line. AND had time to quick-tie the bracket for the gate to the post! - As of right now... 18.46... the house has been Hoovered too! The washing-up is done... dishes up. And now... to Yonah's journal. - Oh... I have a pack of smokes left! FUCK ME! And I have a feeling that Dan already went up this week. Oh well... - 22.34 I'm about to regret this... got a bit caught-up with twatters... and only JUST finished Yonah's Journal for today... But I was NOT going to go to rack with-out finishing that! Sadly, I'm not really "tired"... I seem to have passed that, some-how. And it's "warm" in the house... the front door is open and I can hear wind but none is coming in. - 17° for tonight... Yonah's window is closed but the fan is still there so... I'll set the furnace for 62F just in case... and leave my fan on, the kitchen window open. 31° for tomorrow... - I MIGHT mow on Sunday... thinking FIRST THING IN THE MORNING... VROOOOOOOOOM! Reciprocating the consideration of others... We'll see how the weather is. - Anyway... time to post these. I have to be "bright and... fukkit" by 10.00. BOLLOCKS! - Just noticing:
MY entries are so short of late... and Yonah's are quite longer. But truth is... my days ARE YONAH! As are the nights... my breath, heart-beat... being.
23.15 Ice cream. Quick rinse of the mouth because I had to re-fill the bottom right after meal. - The wind is coming from the South and fucking with Yonah's room-door. And the thermostat is set at 64. Tomorrow morning? I'm going to be SO SORRY!
Sat.21.May: 12.35 I started this at 9.55 and got distracted by chatting with Robin at the PO, a drop-by from Deborah, a chat with Dan, on the front porch AND ANOTHER NO-SHOW FROM SPECTRUM! That's been the morning...
BETTER? THE HAG CAME INTO THE PO WHILST I WAS THERE, TO PAY BOX RENT... (62$ off next month's budget, by the way) AND AS SHE STOOD THERE, SNAPPED AT ME "THAT BOX IS STILL ON MY PORCH AND IT WAS MAILED." HAH! I immediately asked Robin if she'd had any parcels delivered to Nr.5 and she said "No." Of course. THEN, when the hag left, Robin asked "Why is she making such a big deal about it?" So we had a chat. "Things" are coming into the open... we discussed the gate on my gallery and such so... there. That's done.
MEANWHILE... I "chatted on-line" with another Spectrum rep who "offered" to send a tech... AGAIN! I declined, vehemently! (Then posted a review on TrustPilot.) - What REALLY GETS ME IS THE TIME AWAY FROM YONAH who has been SO affectionate again today... even napped with me for about 15 minutes this morning! Sweet-heart! "Heart-and-Soul"... - And so, the sun is shining, the temp is 27° at present, doors and windows open. There's that much. And Deborah dropped-off some asparagus from Nancy's garden. I probably won't eat it but... we shall see. - I'm tired... One minor, up-and-about CONTRACTION, left foot last night. I finished Maggie's book at about mid-night and as up at about 5.30... And Yonah was up at 5.41. It's been almost non-stop... and I have over 800 photo pages to get to. - Oh well... It's Saturday. - IF weather permits tomorrow morning at about 8.30... if I'm caught-up... LAWN! Then... HOPEFULLY, market. HAH! AND... I NEED to get to the tip! AND Dan says Spectrum raised his bill so, I'll be looking forward to THAT argument in addition to NYSEG. "These are the days..." - I came back to NY for peace and civility! WTAF happened here? - 21.37 Running later than... but "tuck-in" wasn't until 20.00 because, well... it was still rather light and I want to see what time Yonah wakes tomorrow. - It's still HOT and HUMID! 23° and 81% humidity! Tomorrow's high.. 28... risk of storms. I'm going to try for a town roll at about 9.30... and I'll have to hit the account for smokes... Hopefully the 19$ in th VT will still cover a pack! Though it's another 2 weeks until... and I still have to look forward to fucking about with NYSEG... Hey! If I have to go for a "bail-out"... fukkemall! I'm tired of this bull-shit and fuckerie. AND Dan says that Spectrum raised HIS bill... Let them try! After these couple of days of Hell! - Anyway, the major points of today have been covered. This is a REALLY SHORT entry. But there's nothing else to say and I'm tired and I want a little ice cream and to get to the rack. - Bloody fucking ROARING pick-up just came off the Hill! I'm sick of this shit-box... really. - Time to post. Yonah's is ready. This one's going! - 22.18 Oh just FUCK!
Sun.22.May: 5.36 Fans on. Dressed. Coffee. Trying not to have a smoke... Tired as usual. Generally slightly "pressured" in the chest and throat. Others would call it "heart attack". These days it's "stress". I wake to the aggravation of "no show" promises, insults from strangers, lies, rising bills, changing "agreements" without notice, threats, lies, bull-shit, fuckerie, then add that thing next door, inconsideration, entitlement, delusion... and no brakes on the truck, inspection due, the exhaust is ready to drop, and I want a place where Yonah can be out in the open air and sun-shine. If I get a pack of smokes today, the VT a/c will be LOW. IF I can even still afford a pack... are they 20$ by now? I'll soon need gas for the truck. Ought to get it now at half tank. FS are at about 100$ and that's ONE TOTE. And I don't know what's going on with this old body and the pains, pressures and such.
I am here to make sure that Yonah is taken care of, kept safe and comfortable, with a good life.
I am because he is.
And I'm tired. -
11.40 MOWED! and my chest feels as if it's banded in steel. Oh well... MOWED!
Planted the marigold seeds from last year's front porch, in the kitchen garden with more bird-seed-sun-flowers.
NEED A SHOWER!
OH... A MASSIVE OLD NAIL AND A PRY-BAR IN THE TALL GRASS! WASN'T THERE LAST TIMES I EVER MOWED.
AND... THERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF RUST UNDER THE FRONT DRIVER'S SIDE OF THE TRUCK.
NOW I'M *** SERIOUSLY *** SUSPICIOUS WITH THE BRAKES! FUCKING SHIT-SACKS ROUND HERE.
Need a snooze too!
15.38 "Snooze"? TWO BLOODY HOURS! AND I COULD HAVE STILL BEEN LAYING ON THE FUTON! Had the shower. Set the alarm for 14.00 and laid down... Heard the alarm. Turned it off... When I looked at the clock to get up (because Yonah was with me)... 15-fucking-00 !!! A basin of dishes to wash from this morning. OK. Done. BUT... FUCK ME! THIS is NOT a LIFE! Although... it's 17° in the LOO! 28° out there with 41% humidity but it FEELS like 38°! It's actually 28,3 in Yonah's room! And now it's time to put evening meal on! - Truth is... I'm really a bit rather "depressed"... Next month's budget... with brakes, leaves me with 8,68$ for the entire 4 weeks after. THEN... comes the inspection and registration... and the exhaust and... NYSEG threatening, I've NO idea WHAT Avery will bill for the gas, expecting Spectrum to go up again. So... not only am I drowning in sweat... So... "sleep". I suppose. - Were Yonah not here... today would be my last. "Check-out Time"! - 18.48 NOW I GET AN E-MAIL FROM SPECTRUM TELLING ME THAT I'M GOING TO BE BILLED AS OF THE 26TH FOR THE "NEW EQUIPMENT"! OK... SO ANOTHER CHAT AND THE QUNT SAYS SHE NEEDS TO OPEN A TICKET! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? ASKED ME FOR A GOOD CONTACT NUMBER... I ADVISED SHE CONTACT THE ATTORNEY GENERAL AND GOVERNOR. TOLD HER THE MIS-DELIVERY IS CAUSING TO ME CONTACT THE STATE POLICE NOW. SO... TOMORROW SHOULD BE INTERESTING... PROBABLY NO INTERNET, NO PHONE... HERE WE GO! - 20.59 Well, Yonah's Journal is current... and on-line. And I'm sitting here, at the kitchen table, in the dark, listening to a chilly wind blowing across the main. I just want to go to bed... to sleep... I want to get away from all of the bull-shit... Tomorrow is going to be living HELL! I need to go to market. I'm going to need to get a pack of smokes. I have NO idea how much THAT'S going to be but I'm bracing for 20$ (which I don't have... thankfully there's about 200 in savings but I'll be needing that for the brake! fuck me muchly). THEN... it will be the confrontation... NYSEG... Spectrum... Maybe FedEx to tell them to take the fucking package back... BUT... I don't dare to do that because I've no doubt they'll just toddle it over here and I do NOT WANT THAT! I want that shit sent BACK to where it belongs! NOT HERE! - Anyway... this is the sort of night that I wish I knew that this old body would tolerate booze... not, mind, that I have enough, nor that I can afford to get more... never mind, I can't make it to the store to get any... down that hill... no brakes. Oh well... - I have to remember: there's nothing to be done tonight and tomorrow? Well... that's then. We'll see how it all turns out when it's done. - Meanwhile... my little Heart-and-Soul is tucked-in for the night and the most important issues of this day are all documented at:
http://yonahtaube.com/Journal/2022-05.html
THIS journal page? It's a mess. Semi-notes, really not "formatted" and I don't care tonight. I'll just post to the server because... I've NO doubt the dolts at Spectrum are about to cut my service... Well? I'll just have to figure a way to get in touch with Verizon and see what THEY can offer. After all... they have a line into the post office so... they DO come here. (And I might call them tomorrow to check and see what kind of "package" I can get from them and just switch... let Spectrum go...) - The "issue" then is NYSEG... and THAT, I expect, is going to be another catastrophe. - BUT BUT BUT... anticipatory anxiety gets nothing... so? Off to post, then nosh, then rack. - I just hope the truck makes it to market and back... NO INCIDENTS! - 23.15 Nordlander is suspended. I pissed-off a plitiian and got slammed in under 5 seconds. - Now... off to the rack.
Mon.23.May: 15.20 WHAT A FUCKING MISERABLE DAY THAT IT ROLLED INTO... OBVIOUSLY... I'M ONLY JUST GETTING TO THIS... FUCK!
Begrudgingly forced me out of bed at about 5.50... No sooner got the kettle on when... 5.51 and MORNING CALL! So it was a matter of getting coffee whilst getting to Yonah... who was in good spirits and mood so THAT part of the morning was SO WORTH getting out of bed for. - And I rushed through the "normal routine" until the clock got to about 9.00... Ah HAH... by about 9.30, I was OUT THE DOOR AND IN THE TRUCK... Managed to roll into town... The brakes are still almost non-existent but... managed to "stop" in the parking lot of the market and BOLTED across the main to get a pack of "Blues" and the same price as before... ONE pack... of course, the account is now all but defunct. But... there we have that. - As I walked back to the market, Nance-of-the-Hill pulled in. All nicey chat (what else would I do... by instinct?) and into the store... Got the mandatory bananas, some chicken, a bit of cayenne to give to the chipmunks and 4 Perry's because... FRENCH vanilla and "BOGO". WOOHOO! Veggies, of course, and stuff. Not much... "only" about 70$... and again, one tote. I was off and back to the shit-box! - On the return, stepped out-side to sprinkle cayenne on the garden and Deborah rolled in to the PO. We chatted a bit, but she was off and running as usual. No more baking, said she. But that's OK by me. Ever since that muffin with the unidentifiable something in it, I've been leery anyway. - WELL! Groceries away... I decided to simply GO FOR IT! And... rang NYSEG. Results? Well, the guy on the other end was quite and most kind when he told me my "options", NONE of which are suitable because ALL of them are costly and I just don't have it. The "best options" he had to offer were to contact HEAP and to pay the current bill, then go off the budget and put the balance on "Payment"... BUT... he said that my "average bill" from now on will be 120$/MONTH !!! with the rate increases !!! I chose to "think about it". Says he, I have time because the payment isn't due until the 9th. OK. Fine... - Next? Rang HEAP and chatted with Joanne who told me that there's really nothing she/they can do until I get a "disconnect" and * IF THE PROGRAM IS STILL RUNNING * when that happens, she'll see what she can do. But NOTHING until I get a "Disconnect". OK... Fine... Spiffy. - Right now... My "decision" where the electric is concerned is to simply pay the original "budget" for June, get the truck taken care of in June, as best I can and let it go from there. Let the "disconnect". And the records will show that I'm paying on the account. FUKKEM! FUKKEMALL! - OK... NEXT! I was in "SHUT-DOWN" so I decided to get to SPECTRUM !!! By then, it was about 11.45... THAT didn't get settled (as it were) until almost 13.00!!! TWO "reps"... the first one took all the particulars, put me on "hold" and the next thing... a DIFFERENT one AND I had to start ALL over again. Well... I mentioned contacting the Governor, Attorney General, told (again) that with the harassment from the (qunt), I'd have to call the State Police in on it and from there, Spectrum will be implicated... as well as FedEx... IT WAS CONFIRMED THAT, IF I DON'T HAVE A NEW MODEM ON THE 26TH... ALL SERVICE WILL BE CUT! SO... A THIRD APPOINTMENT FOR A TECH... TOMORROW... 15-16.00 AND A SUPERVISOR'S CALL AFTER THE SERVICE TO VERIFY. What-the-fuck-ever! It was also confirmed that my bill will remain the same... but then... they're all nothing but shit-faced liars anyway so I fore-see ANOTHER battle. - OKIE-DOKIE... by the time all that shit was settled... AND I LOST ANOTHER DAY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH YONAH... It was already almost 14.00! - Mean-while, the sun shone.. but it was only 15° out there... chilly. Fuck. Especially after the 32° and shit! - OK... it wasn't over yet... I looked at the phone... on the Woodhauler number... call from a Dr. office... In BLOODY PLATTSBURGH AGAIN! THEY WANT TO SCHEDULE A COLONOSCOPY! FUKDATSHIT! I fucking called and politely told them I'm still waiting for an echo. "When cardiology is done, have your primary call to re-schedule." Yeah... right... Not happening. Now I either have to dump Empire as the insurance or... none of this is happening. Hell, I feel like shit but I'm managing... And, as always, everything depends on Yonah... so? If I have to go to emergency for all of my medical... so be it. - I'm just in TOTAL SHUT-DOWN today... Nobody's doing anything to make anything any better so... And there's at least another 2 years of this fuckerie... Things will be what they will be. I'll fight what I can... the rest can eat their own shit. That's that. There's a "recession" due, so 'tis said... "Recession" my arse... it's about to hit a full "Depression"! Hey! The grands AND the parents lived through one... Yonah and I will make it through this one. I just can't care... I don''t have any "care" to give... to ANY. -
OH OH OH OH OH ... AT ONE POINT, BETWEEN ALL THE SHITTERIE, I CAME BACK TO YONAH'S ROOM... I'D BEEN DROPPING IN TO KEEP HIM COMPANY AND TO LET HIM KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN HERE AND ... IT WS ABOUT 11.00 OR SO... 15° OUT-SIDE... AND THERE HE WAS... AS STILL AS HE COULD BE... LOUNGING IN HIS POOL! MY LITTLE HEAR-AND-SOUL! IN ALL THE HEAT HE NEVER EVEN TOOK A SPLASH... THE DAY COOLS AND THERE HE IS! LOVE LOVE LOVE !!!
15.50 THE QUNT IS IN "RENO MODE" AGAIN! FUCKING SHIT BANGING ALL OVER THE PLACE OVER THERE! MADE A WASH... IT GURGLED IN THE KITCHEN... THAT'LL BE TAPED AGAIN. AND NOW HOOVERING? MAYBE THE SPORE IS BACK. WHAT-EVER... IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING WITH THE BANGING! AND SOME-HOW... THERE'S THE STENCH OF POPCORN! FUCKING MORON! - And I'm going to have to run the furnace again... it's chilly in here. 20,8° in Yonah's room. - 16.19 JUST getting this morning noted... Now to Yonah's journal... and it's time to put evening meal on the hob! I'm FULL of such HATE! - 20.25 Well... It was another FASCINATING evening with Yonah at the back door... and it's all on his Journal page for today... and now... he is tucked-in and I've had my naprox. - I managed to get the washing caught-up today... even with all the bull-shit-fuckerie. - I'm quite at a "peace" now... with my decision to simply address my NYSEG issues with the same "care" as NYSEG has about me "existing" on 2,17$/week for 6 weeks. Come the 9th of June, surely, there will be shit coming. But... the plain and simple fact of Creation remains: They can't get what I don't have and if what I give isn't sufficient... well then... let's just rock and roll. - Spectrum? Well, if the tech doesn't show tomorrow, on Wednesday, my service will end... and so too, theirs because I'll have to get to the library for my correspondence and telephone service... MOST of which will be in pursuit of a court appearance against them... Not to mention... THE PRESS! (I did have one of those on-line "chats" with a dolt at Verizon who never confirmed nor denied if I could get their service here so tomorrow, I MIGHT give them a call... jst to back me up. And if they come in cheaper... CHANGE! The "Starlink" that Deborah just got? The up-front investment is any-where between 600 and 2500$ so that's out. Oh well. Shame, really, but there we have it. Hey! All said, I have rent and a loan to pay... and brakes that need repairing... So? Corporations want to be "ME FIRST"? Watch ME be "ME FIRST". I've worked hard for this position and I'm taking it. - Ordered more garlic and black pepper from Amazon with a larger container of cayenne pepper... FS... due on Saturday so Sunday, we will be peppering the kitchen garden! - But for now... 20.36 and time for nosh, Brit, rack. Tomorrow is Tuesday... as if. Thankfully.... NO ERRANDS! YAY! - 20.42 Journals on the server! - 11° dropping to 7° tonight... the furnace is set again... fans off... windows curtained. Oh well... There's oil... electric... fuck Spectrum... and there's food in the house... for Yonah and I. - FTW! - 22.42 JEEZUS KRISTE! LATE LATE LATE!!! I'LL BE SO FUCKING SORRY TOMORROW! (AGAIN)
Tue.24.May: (I'm *CATCHING-UP AGAIN* at 12.57 on Wednesday... SHIT!)
14.30 I FINALLY got up and out of the rack at about 5.30 this morning. No matter when I get there, no matter how I think I might have "slept" of a night, it's always the same thing in the morning: I just want, SO MUCH, to just stay in the bed. I wonder how long I could stay there, how much "sleep" I'd get, if given the opportunity. BUT... I WILL NOT MAKE YONAH WAIT, WHEN HE WAKES UP. I WILL NOT PUT HIM IN A POSITION WHERE HE'S IN HIS HOUSE, WINDOWS ALL CLOSED, IN THAT DARKNESS, ALONE, AND CLOSED IN! I WILL NOT NOT NOT! (And I don't begrudge... at all. With-out him, I just won't get out of bed... EVER! Period.) - But, my little Heart-and-Soul called at 6.31 this morning. I was sitting, calmly and quietly at the kitchen table and when I replied to his "woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo" ... *** EPISODE *** !!! THE LIKES OF WHICH I HAVEN'T HAD IN A WHILE! SWEAT! HEAD SOARED TO THE CEILING! CHEST JUST ABOUT LOCKED! WANTED TO VOMIT! IT WAS ALL I COULD DO TO STAND UP! AND THE BLOODY THING TOOK ALMOST 20 MINUTES TO PASS! I DID MANAGE TO GET UP IN THE MIDST OF IT, THOUGH, AND GET IN TO OPEN YONAH'S DOOR, REMOVE THE BOARDS. BUT WOW! WHAT THAT ACTUAL FUCK IN THE NAME OF THINGS? THE FUCKING STRESS OF THIS SHIT-BOX AND ALL THE BULL-SHIT-FUCKERIE GOING ON NOW! I WILL * NOT * TOLERATE ANY MORE OF IT AND... WELL... -
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** TODAY, I HAVE RESOLVED: NYSEG WILL GET WHAT I CAN AFFORD... IF THEY WISH TO PURSUE ALL THE BULL-SHIT, WELL THEN, BRING IT ON! IF I'M TO GET ANY-WHERE, GET "BACK TO WHERE IT TOOK ME YEARS TO GET TO, I NEED TRANSPORT. SO, THE BRAKES COME FIRST, THE PAYMENT TO THE FUCKERS WILL BE THE AMOUNT I AGREED TO, AND SINCE I DIDN'T AGREE TO THIS QUADRUPLE, THEY CAN SHOVE IT! FUKKEM! PLAN? PAY THE RENT, THE BILLS THAT HAVEN'T CHANGED. THEN PUT ASIDE MONEY FOR THE TRUCK AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING LEFT OVER (WHICH THERE REALLY ISN'T), I'LL CONSIDER ADDING A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THE PAYMENT. OTHER-WISE... I'M NOT GOING TO KILL ME OVER IT! THAT'S THAT! ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Other-wise, I got the morning routines done including a "quick soak/wash" of the under-things that were in the basked and put them on the rack. NO lavage to be done! - ALSO... Managed to bake two more loaves of bread... using the 6 remaining eggs in the fridge. The loaves are relatively small, but the eggs were used and this time, I added olive oil instead of water, to make the dough workable. THEY went into the oven at 11.00 but... PROBLEM? AT "350" THEY TOOK AN HOUR TO BAKE! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS OVEN... OR... THE OLD ONE WAS HOTTER. Ovens do vary, but to take an extra 30 minutes? I'll just have to remember to use 375 from now on. (I can't wait to do Yonah's new sand... 500? That should be interesting. But I'm thinking it's just the variation on ovens... the old one probably DID heat higher... "older" IS better quality. But... Oh well...) - THEN... came the CALAMITY DU JOUR !!! AS I WAS MOVING ABOUT, TRYING NOT TO STOP, FOR FEAR OF "SNOOZING"... I HAPPENED TO LOOK INTO YONAH'S HOUSE TO SEE.... HIS FOUNTAIN HAD GONE COMPLETELY MAD! SPLASHING WATER OUT OF THE POOL AND I COULDN'T ADJUST IT! AND, THE TRAY UNDER THE POOL WAS FULL OF WATER! SO... I HAD TO TAKE THE POOL OUT, DUMP THE WET SAND OUT BACK, AND CHANGE KITCHEN ROLL ON THAT HALF OF HIS HOUSE... GOT BETTER (WORSE)... I'D PUT THE CASSEROLE/POOL INTO THE KITCHEN BASIN TO WASH AND THEN TO RINSE IN CLEAR WATER AND AS I WAS IN YONAH'S ROOM, PUTTING HIS HOUSE TOGETHER... THE DISH SHIFTED IN THE SINK... WATER, WATER, WATER... OVER THE BASING, ON THE FLOOR, FLOWING ALL THE WAY TO THE CARPET RUNNER THAT RUNS TO THE BACK DOOR! SOAKED! THE RUGS ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR! SOAKED! I'm really quite surprised at me: No panic. No depression. I simply cleaned the "pool", put it aside, grabbed the mop and bucket and hit the floor. Rugs out the back. Rags to soak up what I could get out of the runner... and then... wash my hands and finish Yonah's house. Quite surprising. OR... as I tend to believe more:
My mind and body have reached "saturation"... the stress is just at MAX, but the defence against it is too. My mind just won't accept anything more. I'm in "stress shock"... dead.
What-ever it is, I just managed to get through. (Although, I remember LC saying, back in the Albany days: "He's AMAZING! He can handle the worst situations. It's the little ones that destroy him.") What-ever... - And as I was mopping, dumping and such, I noticed the horrid stench of urine in the loo again... so... I actually cleaned the casie too! ...
And we continue with... CALLS FROM SPECTRUM... CONFIRMING THE TECH, I EVEN GOT A CALL FROM A PERSON TO TELL ME THAT "TRAVIS" WOULD BE HERE AT "2.20"... EARLY! (Truth? He arrived on time but...) THEY WERE ON IT TODAY! - THEN, A RECORDED CALL FROM NYSEG... THE FUCKING COMPUTER-VOICE SAID "Hello. This is Julie from NYSEG..." FUCKING INSULTING SHIT-SACKS. SEALED MY DECISION ON PAYING THEM... - Took a break at about 13.00 for a bite... and to try the bread. Tastes quite nice... BUT IT'S STILL "CAKEY"! I CANNOT, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, FIGURE WHY I CAN'T GET "CHALLAH" ANY MORE! But it turned out good with a nice thin, crisp crust. So.... - THEN, Dan dropped by to say that he's going to Plattsburgh tomorrow and for smokes. WOW! KINDNESS... (from the "Down-staters", of course). I asked him for two "cartons"... we'll see how long I can stretch those... 2 months? HAH! I wish I could remember when he brought the last one... I could look it up some-where. Probably here... when I have a moment. - SO... - 14.31 Well, as expected... no "Travis from Spectrum". And when I go to check, on-line, where we're supposed to be able to track the tech "Trouble with GPS"... Yeah right sure... what-ever... but they did call twice so... We shall see. Meanwhile, the house is "settled". The large rug on the railing on the back gallery and the small on the garden fence... and I'm BLOODY-FUCKING SO GODDAMNED TIRED! - 20.57 AMAZING GRACE... TRAVIS DID SHOW UP! AT JUST ABOUT 15.00! Took him all of about 30 minutes. I told him the story of the whole ordeal. he confirmed that the old modem would, eventually, simply burn-out. This new modem can handle up to a GIG of data and that's what the "new" lines are set to handle. The old modem simply wouldn't handle the volume. So? So... I have to say though, the new modem IS much nicer. Vertical instead of horizontal. Looks like a book on the shelf. And the lights are blue, not green and they don't flash. I suppose that's nicer. But it SURELY wasn't worth the bull-shit. But it's done. Now to see about the next bill. OH... AND "CINDY" FROM SPECTRUM DID PHONE... JUST AS "TRAVIS" WAS LEAVING... CHECKING TO SEE IF EVERYTHING WAS SATISFACTORY. As if they really do care... I told her the history, including how and why I won't go get the box on the qunt's porch. SHE STILL said nothing about retrieving it! I WANT THAT GONE! (SO... THIS EVENING, I FOUND THE ORIGINAL TRACKING INFO ON-LINE AND REPORTED THAT IT WASN'T DELIVERED! I doubt anything will come of it, but... MAYBE FedEx will track it and get it back... HOPEFULLY they won't deliver it here! I wouldn't be surprised though... More shit for me to haul to the tip! FUCK. There WAS a message telling me that they'll "investigate"... yeah... like the US govt. "investigates".) - And so... I am SO BLOODY-FUCKING EXHAUSTED (nothing new). Making notes... and will fall behind the journals AGAIN! - Managed a 45-minute nap with Yonah though. He was on the pillow when I finally "dozed" and on my hip when I woke! SO SWEET! - Tomorrow, I have to get to the banque to get 40 for Dan... could get ice cream (though there really isn't room in the freezer) and some more olive oil whilst there. I DON'T want to roll in that truck! I don't want to destroy the brakes! But... - It's been a day... it really has been. (I was considering going into town to the banque during but with the way things went... HELLNO!) - I'm still feeling "off"... not sick, ill, or other-wise... just "off". I wonder what this morning's "EPISODE" was about... and what tonight will be. If the stress of this shit doesn't kill me, the stress of not feeling well just might. - Time for a nosh... Brit... rack. I just can't even think any more. - 22.36 No matter HOW I try to get things done by 21.00 or 21.30 at the latest... it just... I guess I have to adjust to 22.30/23.00 and deal with the fatigue during the day... Gee... SO comforting to know I have a "top medical team" on all of this... THEY should rot! - (16.09 on Wednesday... and FINALLY caught-up again! FUCK!)
Wed.25.May: 11.40 It's becoming another one of those days... Bad enough I didn't get out of the rack until almost 6.00... well... Yonah called at 5.51 and I had gotten up, put the kettle on and crawled back under the covers. (THIS BLOODY SHIT-BOX WAS CHILLY! When I opened the blinds in the bed-room, the fan registred at 59°F! FUCK! AND THEN THE FURNACE CAME ON! FUCK FUCK FUCK! IT'S THE BLOODY END OF MAY, FOR FUX SAKE!) So this morning was "dual working"... coffee and Yonah. And from there... I can't say what it was, but "it" rolled on and along and the next thing I knew... here I am and the morning is GONE! FUCK! I wanted to go into town at 9.30. Well? THAT'S NOT HAPPENING! But the next batch of chicken (jerk, this time) is just finishing in the oven... which, I have cause to believe, is "off", where temperature is concerned, because the bread too almost an hour yesterday, and the chicken has been in from since about 9.00 and it's still not really cooked... and I thawed it over-night in the fridge, a few hours on the counter-top this morning... OK. So it was a touch "froze" in the centre when I put it in at 350, but HEY! Then too, it could be that the old stove was hotter. Ovens tend to fluctuate. - Anyway... the house smells SO MUCH of the jerk... it's really wonderful (although I'm noticing these days, it tends to upset my stomach. The "heat" of the seasoning seems to bother me. Could it be the "Walkerswood"? "Grace" never did this. Oh well... it tastes good and smells delicious, so... and the doors are open so the hamlet can smell it too... FUKKEM!) - On that note... FUN SHIT this morning. When I went to fetch the post (FUCKING REGISTRATION NOTICE FOR THE TRUCK... 72 FOR 2 YEARS REG... 62,50 FOR THE FUCKING PLATES... 134,50! - 12.50 Diverted... again! Just SO BLOODY TIRED! - Anyway... THANKFULLY, the truck reg isn't due until 09 July! But there goes the entire Summer season of budgeting. PLUS, there's the out-standing NYSEG bill that I'll be dealing with all along. These are the times... oh yes they are. BUT, I keep in mind... the grands made it through and the parents were born into "The Great Depression" so... And I have YONAH!... WE WILL make it through this bull-shit and fuckerie. - MEAN-WHILE... GOT A CALL FROM FedEx THIS MORNING ABOUT THE MIS-DELIVERY! THEY'RE TRACKING WERE THE SPECTRUM PACKAGE WAS DELIVERED AND SENDING SOMEBODY TO RETRIEVE AND RETURN IT! Now, how long that will take is... But at least I KNOW THEY KNOW. And I don't have to deal with the qunt. - And the sun is shining, the air is finally warming! Though the fort-night forecast isn't really all that promising for nights. Low teens... - And the chicken just doesn't look cooked. HOURS! THIS is the shit too! I don't believe the oven actually reaches the temp indicated. Go figure. FUCK! - I really want out of this place... and that's going to be SO DIFFICULT... BUT... again... I've been in worse and made it out. One of these days... - For now, it's been quite. And I've managed to get Yonah's Journal done for yesterday... I still have THIS one! And I want a snooze! And I ought to get to the banque to get money for Dan. And... we'll see... eventually it'll all get done. - It's about the FATIGUE! - 16.10 JUST caught-up with this Journal! ALL of yesterday to do! And I can't believe the day is GONE! ANOTHER DAY... sun shining and comfy out there and here I've been... typing an napping. But there's jerk chicken for tonight and the following 7 evenings. I got that much done... And Dan? Well... the oddest thing: I'd laid down for a 30-minute "nap" and Yonah woke me the usual 2 minutes before the alarm so I got up and went to finish the chicken... That oven is a pain in the bollocks! The chicken took HOURS HOURS to cook! Anyway, since it was warmer OUT-side than IN, I decided to open the front door and just as I opened it... DAN had pulled-up! SO... here I am... in need to get to the banque and the day is done and I'm not going any-where. - Never got the sand for Yonah... nor the water from the river... moss, trees... what a fucking wasted day... But the time just seems to go by so damned quickly! - And I only had ONE actual "nap"... of sorts. "Naps" are almost worthless because my brain doesn't STOP! I lay there... "some-where between awake and asleep" and thoughts... mostly silly nonsense that's worthless, random, unreal... and I'm aware of it all, and waiting for the alarm to sound and when it does? I turn it off and THAT'S when I drop into actual sleep! I'm SO FUCKED! - But now... listening to the 60s on the iPod, with Yonah, waiting for ... I need to get to his Journal now.
IN CASE I DIDN'T MENTION: FedEx RANG THIS MORNING !!! A PERSON! UNDERSTANDING AND ALL ! I DIDN'T TELL HIM I KNOW WHERE THE PACKAGE IS BUT HE TOLD ME THAT THEY'RE TRACKING IT ALL, THE DRIVER AND SUCH, AND WILL BE SENDING THE DRIVER TO RETRIEVE IT AND THEY'LL SEND IT BACK TO SPECTRUM. THERE WAS A FedEx TRUCK ROLLING UP AND DOWN THE MAIN EARLIER... DELIVERED TO McFUKNUT's AND THEN ROLLED, AS I SAY, UP AND DOWN. I WONDER... I WONDER TOO, IF THEY'LL LET ME KNOW THEY'VE RETRIEVED. I WONDER IF THE QUNT WILL SAY. Not, mind, that I have a care to give about the whole fucking thing.
***** ONE THING I WANT TO MENTION: THAT SHIT-QUNT NEXT DOOR HAS USE OF THE BACK AND FRONT PORCHES HERE NOW... ME? I CAN'T ENJOY THE FRONT... AND NOW, BECAUSE OF TRYING TO AVOID THAT TRASH, I CAN'T ENJOY THE BACK... I'M EFFECTIVELY LOCKED INTO THE HOUSE-PROPER! MORE REASON TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. AND I WANT TO GET YONAH OUT INTO THE SUN! TODAY WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECT! I JUST HAVE TO GET GUTS'N'BALLS TOGETHER AND PLOUGH RIGHT THROUGH THIS BULL-SHIT! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK !!! *****
And now... the veggies are on the hob... - 20.50 FINALLY... caught-up again! - Yonah insisted on "tuck-in" at about 19.30... done at 19.55. His Journal is ready to be posted. - I had some pain in those little "stumps" upper right (that used to be teeth)... come to find out... PEPPERS from tonight's jerk chicken. Must watch that. - But now... DONE... Post , nosh, Brit, rack. - Tomorrow... town roll in the morning and then... I've got sand, mosses and trees to get for Yonah and more water as well. It'll be interesting to see what gets done... and I STILL HAVE HIS NEW PHOTO PAGES! Oh well... at least I'm not bored with nothing to do. - (I wish I had something to make the damned wall between this gallery and that one next door though. I'll have to rack my brain on this project... MAYBE I MIGHT check Aubuchon's tomorrow... for pallets...) - 22.19 Close... but still not "happy"... Now... to the bloody rack!
Thu.26.May: 16.21 Woke, after all the alarms, again, this morning... but had another horrid dreamlette:
As usual, it was over-cast, dreary, rather dark. I'd driven to some sort of "excavation" or sand-pit. I had to run and errand of some kind for some-one. I don't remember the particulars, just that I had to pass through that area to get on to where I had to be. AND... I had "no brakes" on the truck! They needed to be repaired but I couldn't afford it and was using the truck as little as possible. But when I went through the gate into the "area", some guy (bro.John) came out of a little "guard house" to stop me! He KNEW the condition of my brakes and that I didn't know it they'd hold if I had to stay for any length of time but he insisted on keeping me there, foot on the brake pedal, hoping I wouldn't suddenly roll and run some-body over! He walked round the truck with some kind of hand-held scanner and made stupid remarks about the condition of the truck including "Look at this. I don't know about this truck. You have some problems going on here. Look at this here a red LED here...." I had no idea WHAT he was talking about, reading the scanner. I was SO PISSED and I yelled at him that I KNEW what was wrong and that HE TOO, knew what was wrong! And all the while, I had the brake pedal into the floor, terrified the brakes would give! I was also terrified that he'd pull some shit and take the truck away from me because of some sort of bull-shit alleged "violations"... and... I woke..
THIS IS THE ANXIETIES OF THE TRUCK.. THE REGISTRATION AND INSPECTION COMING DUE, A "BUDGET" FOR JUNE THAT LEAVES ME WITH 2$/WK! AND THEN JULY... AND... THE EXHAUST, NO DOUBT. IT'S GNAWED ITS WAY INTO MY UNCONSCIOUS! FUCK ME!
Meanwhile... And again... fucking behind... and the fucking day is fucking gone! But I DID manage, at about 9.30, to roll into the banque to get Dan's money, stopped at the market and came back with "stuff" but forgot the sugar (got flour instead because of not thinking). By shortly after 10.00 I was back. But it did me no good because... - Anyway, NOT ENOUGH TIME WITH YONAH AGAIN TODAY AND NOTHING ON THE JOURNALS OR HIS PHOTOS! - MAJOR mistake... I phoned Medicare to see about getting back to that... Come to find out, the "program" I was on doesn't exist any more so... Medicare could only offer me the Rx plan and nothing more. In other words, I dropped the "Original" and now they won't let me go back. BUT, the nice lady did tell me that what-ever I do from here, it has to be approved by Medicaid! THEY control it all because THEY're the ones paying the 170,10$/month (up from the 140) for Medicare! FUCK ME! So... I rang Empire to settle the matter of "in and out of network" only to find that the "clinic" is "OUT" but the hospital is "IN" which still doesn't solve anything! AND, as the "lady" at Empire was checking into the discrepancy... SHE CUT ME OFF! - By then... 14.00... I headed down to give Dan his money... and we sat and chatted, as we do... until... moments ago! FUCK! SO... IF I'd thought of going to the tip today... NO... AND AS I SAY... YONAH... When I got up the Hill I could hear him coo'ing in his room! MY HEART BROKE! When I walked into the house and thought of how he'd been alone for TWO HOURS... To me, that's unforgivable. There was no need for all that time spent away. (Then again, even Dan commented on how quickly, not matter how many hours of sun-light we have, or what time we get up, "TIME" just seems to be RUSHING away! I have to wonder... with the world in the condition it's in of late... could "TIME" actually be "running out"? I can't doubt that it might be.) - But... now Yonah and I are together, meal is on the hob... and... I'm SO exhausted from aggravation and will have to phone "United" and HOPE I can get tests at Liztoon again... FUCK... That's tomorrow... today is DONE. At least it's warmed-up a bit... The bloody furnace was running again... this morning! - (Catch-up again... 9.34 on Thursday morning... This really needs to stop but, so too... the bloody FATIGUE! Moving along....)
19.57 SO TOO TIRED TONIGHT! Only that one "nap" this morning and other than that everything else rolled. But, even as Dan and I discussed... TIME... GONE... - That said.. I HAVE TO MAKE SPECIAL NOTE HERE...:
When I got back into the house after visiting with Dan, I was annoyed with all these clocks being at different times so I went to check the actual time on-line and wanted to change the alarms (because, frankly, I have NO idea what time they actually sound in the morning any more). WELL ***** Yonah had gone into the living-room, as he does, to visit with the decoys and I went into the bed-room to adjust the "ATT alarm" and AS I WAS ADJUSTING THE TIME ON IT, YONAH CAME FLYING IN, FROM ROUND THE WALL, INTO THE BED-ROOM AND DIRECTLY TO MY SHOULDER! IT WAS INTENTIONAL AND HE OBVIOUSLY KNEW I WAS IN THERE! I WAS IN SHOCK! PLEASANT... TOUCHED TO THE CORE... BUT THERE WE HAVE IT: MORE EVIDENCE OF "THOUGHT", COGNIZANCE... AND HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME AND FOUND ME. BRILLIANT! THIS LITTLE GUY IS SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST "HEART-AND-SOUL"... HE'S THE CORE OF "BEING"! I'M ASTOUNDED... AS I SAY... ***** AWE ***** !!!!!
We dined together again, this evening.... rushed as I was because of getting in just before it was time to put "food" on the hob. And after, we went ot the back door again... There was ONE mourning dove out there, in the rather heavy breezes, but I'm still trying to see how he reacts to other doves (and am still considering getting a ring-neck but want to make sure he won't destroy it). We stood there for quite a while, waiting to see if more doves would come and as we stood, he literally rested on my shoulder and closed his eyes! Then, he got up and started preening and a wing feather dropped onto my arm! A little "gift", though un-intentional. I was so touched. (Times like this when I wish I was still journalling in books... I'll put this feather in frame... perhaps the one beside the bed.) It was about 19.20 when we got back to his room to get ready for "seepie-nigh-night"... and by 19.55 he was tucked-in and settled for the night. I STILL need to figure out how to get him out there in the sun-shine! (That situation with the back gallery has me pissed-off beyond civil descriptions! QUNT! But a wall will be constructed... even if I have to get pallets... after I get the brakes done... or... at the rate things are going... it might be before... Hopefully I'll be able to get enough pallets and proper and fit them properly. I have to be careful so as not to cause SHIT with the Mass-hole.) - Anyway... PAIN TONIGHT, LOWER LEFT JAW, IN THE BACK... I'M WONDERING IF SOME OF THE SEEDS FROM THE JERK DIDN'T GET WEDGED IN THERE. FIGURES... NOW... OF ALL TIMES... SO FEW TEETH LEFT AND THE STUMPS ARE NOW GIVING ME SHIT! AND I CAN'T AFFORD A FUCKING DENTIST! EVEN FOR A "WHAT-EVER". REMINDS ME OF MORRIS PARK... WITH THE CYST... "LOOKS ANGRY IN THERE"... AND "BONE CANCER", PULLED TOOTH, SCRAPED JAW, AND DR. WOLFE "YOU POOR MAN." FUCK THESE QUACKS... I'M OLD AND THEY WANT ME OUT OF THE WAY... BUT... NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO STOP THE PAIN IN THE JAW. JOLLY FUCK! - Making notes again tonight... BOTH journals! I'll regret this! - But one thing I have to say... there's food in the house... that's still something that, in my life-time, is novel, new and never before. - HAVE DECIDED TO RE-BUDGET FOR JUNE... GET THE TRUCK REPAIRED AFTER THE BILLS I *CAN* KEEP UP WITH ARE PAID AND THEN NYSEG CAN GET WHAT-EVER I CAN AFFORD... WITH-OUT GOING INTO SUFFERING. FUCK THEM. I'M SICK OF THIS BULL-SHIT! THE ONLY THING I WANT MORE THAN... TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE... AND FOR THAT, I NEED THE TRUCK. THAT'S THAT! I WANT BETTER FOR YONAH... FIRST AND FOREMOST. - But hey, the truck made the trip this morning so... there's that for today. - I'm tired... hope to get to the rack in about and hour... or... at least TRY to. - Just SO FUCKING FED-THE-FUCK-UP WITH SO-FUCKING-MUCH ANY MORE! - 21.48 Not "perfect" but better than 22.48. Now let's see what Hell awaits during the night.
Fri.27.May:6.28 Coffee. Dressed. Hummies fed. AND... 18° going up to 23 and... rain coming. There. - "Restless" night, I think. Dozed after the alarms. But here we are... waiting for the affirmation that getting out of bed this morning was worth facing the world... Waiting for my Heart-and-Soul... - 14.57 *** CALLED UNITED TO CHANGE OFF EMPIRE AND... DONE! EVEN ALL THE MORE COVERAGE, EVEN DENTAL! OTC AND SUCH! WAITING FOR THE WHAMMY AND NOW STUCK FOR AT LEAST A YEAR BUT... IT APPEARS I CAN GET MY TESTS AT LAST! (WE SHALL SEE.) COVERAGE COMMENCES... WEDNESDAY-WEEK! O'LOARD! BUT... THAT'S ONE LESS THING TO ANGST OVER. - And now it's hot and humid... - The spices arrived this morning, at the PO... mixed and planted MORE sun-flowers in the kitchen garden. The "surface" application of black pepper, cayenne and garlic seem to work... not so much with the mix planted with the seeds. But these chipmunks... looks like traps are to follow. I don't understand it... THEY'RE TENACIOUS and they don't look like they actually need the food. But I'm at wits' end and have no compassion left. - And Yonah? What a COO! Coo'ed all the while I was on the phone with United... and that "perch coo" for most of the day. MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL! - Now.. back to my own catch-up! The bloody day just slipped by... AGAIN! - 15.31 Caught up... Now... back to Yonah's Journal... and I STILL have about 700 photos to deal with for his site... This is insanity. - And... the qunt is on its gallery... THWACK! Fucking useless... just... - 20.07 Well... Yonah is tucked-in. I've discovered that all the investment in the cayenne and such was almost for naught. These little rodents are tenacious and resilient and have already managed to get a great deal of what I planted this morning! So now, I'm taking to spraying them, SOAKING them with garlic water! Tomorrow, I'll boil-up a batch, but for tonight, I have some "soaking" in the spray bottle. I've already doused three of the little shits but I'm ready to go for more. Right now, I don't care about eyes and the sort. And the garlic might sting for a while, but at least it isn't "essential oil" that might blind them. One way or another, after a good soaking, they'll get back to the "group" stinking to the max, when I get done. I've had it. There's nothing else I can do. Now my focus will be to get the wall up on the gallery between here and chez Qunt. As fort he kitchen garden, it appears the spices are good only when dry and I'll never use the cayenne for anything else so.. there it goes. - Meanwhile... painful in that same place on the jaw. Maybe I'll be able to get to a dentist though. I'll have to check and see who... and if there's ANY locally. Maybe Dan's. She's expensive and not cheerie, but I don't care. I need the work done and have 1k$ backing me up. We shall see... - I'm cutting all of this short now. I want my nosh and get to the rack so... Yonah's page is ready to post... this is going as is. There really wasn't much other than the insurance about the day and catching-up with journals. I still have PHOTOS to get to! So... off we go... Tomorrow... we'll deal then. But Monday is a holiday... TWO days of no PO! - OH... THE GUY WHO WAS GOING TO TAKE THAT JOB DROPPED IT! I HAVE TO KEEP WATCH FOR IT TO BE POSTED AGAIN. ROBIN TOLD ME THIS MORNING! LET'S SEE HOW IT TURNS OUT! NOW, MORE THAN EVER... THE BRAKES MUST BE DONE! (AND ASAP... THE EXHAUST.) BRAKES DONE? I CAN GET TO ALBANY... THE KICKER: IT'S TWO DAYS... THE PO WILL PUT ME UP AT A MOTEL BUT... NO YONAH OVER-NIGHT? I DON'T THINK SO. IT'S GOING TO COST ME A FORTUNE IN GAS... 2 TANKS EACH DAY! BUT, I'LL BE PAID FOR THE TRAVEL AND THE TIME SO... HERE'S HOPING. - 22.54 AND... we're off to the "LATE" night again! Time just passes entirely too quickly and I'm really beginning to wonder why and how. Is is me? Am I THAT slow? Am I rushing to "the end"? Or is it the world? Is the world "rushing to the end"? What-ever... Off to the rack for a nap.
Sat.28.May: 7.51 The alarms sounded this morning and the first one was at 4.00-something. I'll have to re-check but, maybe it's because the phone is set 15 minutes fast and the first alarm set for 5.00. What-ever... I heard all three, turned them off, dozed off again until about 5.30 and woke from a "dreamlette":
I was on the front porch, the qunt came out of the PO holding a box and called over, in that shrill squawk with a hefty over-tone of snark: "EXCUSE ME!". I could feel my nerves JOLT, and in silence, I just opened the front door here, stepped in and... woke up.
Oh, but I wonder if it wasn't "premonitory". Fuck. - And this morning, already, I've gone out to sprinkle more spice on the kitchen garden. The bloody rodents were at it before the sun had a chance to rise! And the garlic water is now cooling on the hob. Boiled. I poured-off some into the spray bottle and a couple chipmunks got doused already. The house reeks of garlic (and I probably do too). I'm fed-up with this. - Yonah, MY HEART-AND-SOUL, CALLED AT 5.57 AND HAS BEEN "woo-HOO!"ing ever since. The sun is up and the Gal out in the yard has been by. - In other news, yesterday evening, as I was in the back, an old guy came to the PO, got out of the car, saw me and held up a "35... what-ever" for a delivery. I believe he's deaf, and when I told him (with the "sign" for "closed") the PO was closed, he appeared quite pissed-off and left. Well... he's back, parked out front from since about 7.15! I have doors and windows open this morning... even Yonah's window (it comfy... but DAMP/HUMID) and the sign in the front door "Do Not Pull..." This shit is too early in the day. - Feeling rather "uncomfortably tight and stuffed" this morning. Need a BM. Had two small, rock in the stomach, and, of course, ready for a snooze already. - Nothing much on the agenda except Yonah's photos so we'll see what we "accomplish" with this day. - A bit of rain in this after-noon's forecast. We shall see. - 20.33 It rained this morning and Yonah and I worked on his photos again. (I'm almost HALF through them... this is going slowly, but then, I'm resigning my-self to accepting those needed snoozes... of which I had two today... but 20 minutes each.) The sun did manage to come through this after-noon, but the temperature hovered at about 21° so it was just warm enough to open Yonah's window and the doors... and the fan, set at 75F cycled twice, briefly but that was that for the day. - Other than that.. that's the day... oh but with one little exception:
***** ***** ***** NOTING ***** THIS AFTER-NOON, MAGGIE CAME ROLLING IN TO FETCH HER POST JUST AS I STEPPED OUT FOR A QUICK SMOKE. SHE OPENED HER BOX AND COMMENTED THAT HER HUSBAND WAS GOING TO BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE THERE'S A PARCEL FOR HIM... A LAWN-MOWER BLADE! BUT THEN ***** McFUKNUT COMES SWAGGERING OVER AND APPARENTLY THE ONLY REASON WAS TO TELL MAGGIE THAT ROBIN WILL BE LEAVING AND THAT THE GUY WHO WAS GOING TO COME DECIDED NOT TO TAKE THE POSITION. I FEIGNED NOT HEARING ANY OF THIS WHEN MAGGIE SAID, IN A STAGE VOICE, AS IT WERE "I DON'T KNOW WHY THE GUY NEXT DOOR DOESN'T TAKE THE JOB! HE'D BE PERFECT FOR IT! HINT HINT HINT!" AND SHE MUST HAVE SAID SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF ME NOT HAVING HEARD HER AND AS I TURNED IN THEIR DIRECTION, I HEARD McFUKNUT SAY "THAT'S WHY..." ANYWAY, MAGGIE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT ME TAKING THE JOB, I TOLD HER THAT I'D DONE IT FOR OVER 20 YEARS ON AND OFF AND SHE SAID "I'LL WRITE A LETTER OF REFERENCE FOR YOU!" AND I REPLIED "AND THEY'LL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN... ***** BUT ***** McFUKNUT MADE SOME REMARK ABOUT "MARIETTE" ACROSS THE ROAD AND US VYING FOR THE JOB! SO. ***** ME? I'M POST THIS HERE TODAY, AT 20.42: I'LL APPLY, BUT IF THAT ONE OVER THERE APPLIES... ***** IT'S A GUARANTEE THAT THEY'LL GIVE THE JOB TO HER OVER ME! ESPECIALLY IF Ms. CRYSTAL HAS ANY SAY IN IT. BUT ONE WAY OR THE OTHER... IT'S A SURE BET... BUT I'M GOING TO TRY... NOW, JUST TO PROVE MY THEORY !!! FUCKERS! ***** ***** *****
And so, there we have it. - My gums and mouth are still sore tonight. I think I've discovered the culprit on the lower-left-back... something got stuck in the gum at the base of a stump. So... What bothers me is that my bottom fronts now rub behind the uppers. I might have to go back to the "guard" at night... I haven't been using it for a while to see if it helps with the "heart"... and it has... that and the rinse with peroxide. "Endocarditis"? Well, maybe with the new insurance we'll find out. - Anyway... I'm posting this to the servers tonight... No more "catch-up"! And trying for a 22.00 rack-time. - Just ran through the calcs of taking the PMR:
At 14$/hr 127,40/wk(less 30% taxes) x4wks=509,60 13hrs/week x 4 weeks/mo = 52hrs/mo = 9,80/hr
I'd be making the same hourly as I did when I left Cragsmoor! Ain't that just a fuck. (Oh... and they're looking for a PSE... PMR, as it were. Imagine THAT!) - 22.25 off to the rack. I'll be sorry though... TOO MUCH ice cream, then the rest of the cheese danish and 3 donut holes! SUGAR! FAT! Oh well...
Sun.29.May: 6.16 It might have something to do with the fact that yesterday, as we were standing, watching the birds in the yard, a chipmunk got into the garden and started digging... and i got the spray bottle and actually opened the screen door to lean out a bit to spray it, and after having done, realised the risk I'd taken, for the sake of some sun-flower seeds and was sickened by my absolute stupidity and what I'd just risked... not just to me, because of missing Yonah, had he gone, but the injuries and death I could have caused him, had he decided to take flight. I weighed on my unconscious so strongly that this morning, a dreamlette:
I was "residing" in some sort of hotel/motel (North Star-ish) situation with neighbours who complained about Yonah and all the while, that was on my mind, always and constantly. But some-how, he'd gotten out of the house, our space, and had been in the yard for the day, and it was approaching evening. I'd been heart-sick over it, and holding to the hope that he'd not gone far, not gone away and would either come back or wasn't very far. Passing by a part of the foundation of the building where the house-proper over-layed the stone, I happened to notice that he was under there (as he was under the step on the back gallery in 2020) and I thought that he MIGHT come out if I called for him. So softly, I called "Yonah?" and out he came, feathers fluffed and splayed, as if he'd been preening! And he came right to me! As I leaned over to pick him up... I woke.
And yes... THRICE... CONTRACTIONS... IN BOTH FEET, 2 HOURS APART! NEEDLESS TO SAY, I'M TIRED THIS MORNING, DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUT OF THE BED. And I'm contemplating a run to market at 9.30... "contemplating"... I some-how doubt I'll make it. Today is a "holiday Sunday" I don't know that I want to risk the roll. And tomorrow is a "no"... being the holiday. Oh well. There really isn't anything I MUST go for anyway so.... and I have things to do round the house. We shall see... (I want to go for a lie-down!) - 12.17 Had to open the window and put the fan on this morning, to warm Yonag's room and now... we're up to 23,6°. 24° is supposed to be the high so... we shall see. The clear skies of this morning are now clouding. Oh well... not that I'd be out in any sun, really. Though I do want to get to the river for water... and I NEED to get Yonah some moss. (And how I'd like to get some pallets for a wall on the gallery. THAT HAS to be done before the qunt has guests!) - ANYway... The BLOODY CHIPMUNKS HAVE CLEARED THE LAST PLANTING AGAIN! FUCKERS! THEY HAVE TO GO NOW... AND I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW. I'M AT THE SAME POINT WITH THEM AS I WAS WITH THE MICE... TIME TO DIE IF YOU WON'T LEAVE. - To that cause, I've cut 7 yonghurt containers, sorted through the bagged seed for sun-flowers and made 7 little "pots" to sprout. Sadly, the rodents eat the seedlings too so I'll have to figure how to get them into the ground... IF THEY SPROUT ON TIME... NOW IS THE TIME TO PLANT THEM... FUCK! But... we try what we can. - Poor Yonah, sitting, watching me... but PAGE 500 IS NEXT on the PHOTOS! I managed to get 100 of them done this morning! - And I'm tired... but... I need to get to something ... water, mosses, trees... something! - 19.19 CHIPMUNK NR. 2 FOR THE DAY... THE FIRST ONE I GOT IN THE OLD WATER-JUG TRAP I MADE FOR THE MICE! CAUGHT WHILST I WENT TO THE RIVER FOR WATER THIS AFTER-NOON. ON THE WAY BACK FROM WATER, STOPPED TO CHAT WITH DAN WHO GAVE ME A "HAVAHART" TRAP... I'D SET BOTH IN THE BACK, BUT THIS REMAINING GROUP ARE A BIT SMARTER THAN THAT FIRST ONE (WHO, BY THE WAY, WAS RELEASED ACROSS THE BRIDGE AT THE RIVER... RELEASED... NOT TOSSED IN... BUT I'M CONSIDERING FOR THE REST, TO BE SURE.) ANYWAY, THE SECOND ONE WAS CAUGHT IN THE HAVAHART AND IS NOW BEING "KEPT" IN THE "JUG". IF I GET ANOTHER ONE, THAT ONE GOES INTO THE JUG AND EITHER WHEN I GET FED-UP OR HAVE ABOUT 4 IN THERE... OFF WE GO TO THE RIVER AGAIN. I'M TAKING THEM TO THE OTHER SIDE AND AWAY FROM THE HOUSE. I'M DONE WITH THIS SHIT. - And so, there's the day, pretty much... other than... Yonah... I brought him to the door, as we do of an evening, and he called out twice to another dove in the distance. But when the female came by, he took off, flew back into his room, to his roof-top and when I came in, he AVOIDED ME! I don't understand, but I'm sitting at the work table and he's coo'ing on his roof-top... no music or sound... but the fan. I just don't know... I HOPE I haven't done something wrong by bringing him to the door... I wonder if the other dove he was calling to is from his flock... and is he mourning now? I just don't know. - 20.57 Wrapping the day... Yonah's journal is coded... - I got up to page 500 on his Photo-Slides today! Only about 300 more to go and then... the monthlies! This is going slower than I'd expected or anticipated but, at least it cleans the photos on the server, and takes less space (which I will fill, no doubt, in short order). - One more trip for water to fill the jug! YAY! I watered all the plants today with what was left after filling the juice jugs. AND I still have to get mosses, trees and sand for Yonah! June is here and it's time for MAJOR HOUSE-KEEPING! (Now... I wonder how this oven will do with the "sterilising"... never mind, the power it will use... Fuck NYSEG though... I still have a street light blasting into my bed-room... That will have to be attended before the 9th, to be sure. Meanwhile... FUCK NYSEG! - AND... AND... I FINALLY GOT THE HOUSE HOOVERED! - I was going to trim my beard tonight but it's late again... and there's tomorrow for that. So... - Pissed too... I'D GOTTEN ANOTHER CHIPMUNK IN THE METAL TRAP BUT... AS I WENT TO PUT IT INTO THE JUG, WHICH I DECIDED TO USE AS "HOLDING", THE FUCKER ESCAPED! FUCK! But I put the jug on the gallery and brought the metal trap up too... I don't trust that qunt next door. AH... BUT... AT 20.45... THE FUCKING CHIPMUNK GOT OUT OF THE JUG! DAMNIT! Well.. at least I don't have to worry about any harm coming to it over-night and I don't have to think about travelling first thing tomorrow morning. Still... FUCK! Well? One's gone... Patience. Tomorrow, I'll just have to find some other way to "collect" them... If the aquarium in the living-room wasn't so large and heavy... Oh well... I won't use Yonah's old house... that's HIS and I don't want it "infested" with anything from those rodents. I'll find something... Now is when a smaller cage would come in handy... I'll think of something... Still... FUCK! - So oh well... there's tomorrow for more trapping and traipsing to the river. I'm almost at the point where drowning them is just as easy. I've lost my "cutesy" for them all now. Fucking rodents! Voracious and fucking ballsy! No damned fear. But let's see how they are tomorrow... since one is gone, the other two were trapped. I wonder if they communicate that. And I wonder if they miss the one that's gone. What-ever...
Oh... just a note before I put this onto the server... This evening, an "elderly" couple came walking, delightfully, down the main... nicely dressed and all... ***** CHINESE ***** !!!!! WTAF ARE THEY DOING HERE? AND ON THE MAIN? I can't think of where they'd come from... I mean... locally. OK. So it might appear "xenophobic" or even "bigoted" but... the fact is: I spent 97% of my life in a city of 8 million people... residing in all sorts of neighbourhoods and such... so my attitude stems from that, there. And the fact of the matter is that I came up this far BECAUSE OF LACK OF "DIVERSITY"! I KNOW, for a fact, that that shit doesn't work... and let's take into account... Sinclair, Mack, Joyce... I KNOW... FOR A FACT... THAT THAT SHIT DOESN'T WORK. But, oh well... good that I'm looking to move anyway. (And hopefully will get the job at the PO for extra money to make it happen!)
OK. That said... and by-the-way: I told Dan about the McFuknut incident yesterday and told him that if it comes to Mariette or I getting the job... I told him... they'll give it to her... just because. So... word is out. - Now... 21.10 time to post, nosh, Brit. I ought to shower... I was a touch sweaty today but... I'm tired... doesn't look likely. Tomorrow I'll have to run to town... maybe a shower for that... and a beard trim... what-ever... right now... I'm TIRED (again). - 23.06 Nordländer is on the air again.
Mon.30.May: 6.29 UP! RUNNING! DONE! OMG! And I didn't crawl, VERY begrudgingly, out of the rack until about 5.40-ish! AND, ALREADY, there's a "replacement" in the jug-trap, and the Havahart is re-set and ready for the THIRD little rodent. - Yonah called at 5.51, and he's all set for the day. And in spite of the chill of this morn (63F on the fans), I'm in a bit of a "clammy". But... the sun is rising and away we go.
Dreamlettes this morning, as I tried to ignore the alarms...
First: Viv.. We'd some-how gotten hornswaggled into some sort of "group"... "cult" is more like it, one of those "preach love but... there's suicide and death to follow" sorts, and we had had a bit of a falling-out over something. What that was, wasn't clear, in the dream. Anyway, we were in a room, 60s-ish sort of décor, and there was a young lad with an acoustic guitar sitting there. He was some sort of "entertainment/therapist" sort who knew of the "tension" between Viv and I. He announced: "Viv, Jason has a message he'd like to get to you." and he began to play the instrumental to some tune that, although, was just a random sort of picking in the dream, we understood the lyrics had something to do with "I have the need to talk to you, and I know you'll understand when you hear my song" reconciliation sort of thing. Well, neither Viv nor I were really "comfortable" in this cult and we both knew it, which had something to do with our discrepancies. Viv went to the guy and softly spoke to him saying "I'm rather new in this group and I'm not really sure I want to discuss this matter in front of anybody or even in the open. I hope you'll understand." I was relieved when I heard her say that because it confirmed that she too, was reluctant about the situation. Whether or not we'd actually make amends wasn't known or sure, but I was glad to hear that we both might find a way out of this cult.
Second: Snap to the the next... as dreams do. It was DARK, NIGHT, rather dreary, rainy or something of the sort. I was in an old "sports" kind of car. A young guy named "James" was driving along a route that resembled some ramps on the QC15, a LOT of turns. I was in the back and there was another fellow in the car beside me. "James" had a reputation for fast and reckless driving and neither of us was feeling confident nor comfortable, really. And we were supposed to be on the way to pick-up Viv from the place in the previous dreamlette and SHE didn't like "James" at all. We were all but careening round the curves in the road and a 4th person in the vehicle, who was-but-wasn't there (dreams...) was trying to encourage "James" to "roll" the car. "James" was notorious for doing that with cars. But the guy beside me tried to talk "James" out of it, saying that Viv wouldn't be very happy with him if he were to "roll" the car, and would be angry if he did so. I was already preparing for the event, wondering how to best brace my-self for when, perhaps on the next bend in the road, the car would flip (this dreamlette might have had something to do with the visit to Dan's and the Corvette in the garage that Mike had been working on when he died).
So, in the dream, I suddenly realised that I was still in bed and HAD to get up... to prepare for Yonah and... there we have it and here we are... and I'm wondering if I ought to make a town run this morning... and my head is stuffed with bull-shit for the AUSTERITY of the month of June. The rent cheque is here, ready to be dropped in the blue-box tonight. - Monday... a holiday... MAY IS OVER AND JUNE IS JUST ABOUT HERE! HALF THE FUCKING YEAR... GONE! JEZUS KRISTE! - 8.47 And just back up from the river... with ANOTHER 2 CHIPMUNKS !!! on the release. *** TOTAL: 3 *** And as I came back in, via the drive, there was another one, already looking into the garden. So... the traps are re-set and ready to snap. So I got my "walk" in already this morning, and 2 more chipmunks gone. One thing I MUST note: releasing them by the river, if they're hungry, there's stuff to eat and if they're thirsty, as might be with the one in the jug, there from since about 6.30, they have plenty of water. Kindness that will be punished... I've no doubt. - And I was about to have a snooze! Oh well... got that done before 9.00... pretty good. - My testicles are bothering me quite a lot this morning. I need new under-garments! Figures... "need" and ... "FJB" as they say these days. - 15.03 First "loss" of chipmunks... Just back from bringing the one from this morning, down to the river. Stopped to chat with Dan for a bit and, when I got to the river... the poor Little One was gone. Breaks my heart, really. I DON'T WANT THEM TO DIE! It was, probably, a heart attack, from the movement in the yellow bag and "Kyla', sniffing about as I chatted with Dan. Well? In order for something to live, something must die... and in order to feed the doves... and, if the Little One doesn't recover, which it just might do, something will live because of it. - Must be about 28 or 30° out there! - *** NOTING: WHEN I STEPPED OUT TO GET THE TRAP, THE QUNT WAS SITTING THERE, READING. I FEIGNED INTEREST IN OTHER THINGS AND ATTENDED MY OWN BUSINESS. WHEN I RETURNED, IT WAS STILL PARKED ON THE CHAIR AND AS I CAME BACK UP ONTO THE GALLERY, IT GOT UP AND WENT BACK INTO IT'S HOUSE... THWACK... NOT A WORD. YAY! I can't wait to get that wall up... I REALLY just can't. *** - Now? Back to Yonah's photos... - OH ***** ***** ***** HE WAS IN THE POOL THIS MORNING! AND THEN FOR A BASK! SO SO SO PRECIOUS !!! ***** ***** ***** - 20.44 IT'S BLOODY HOT! Météo claims it's 26° but it feels hotter than that! - John O. was burning today and BY FUCKING GODS... I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS BURNING BUT THE SMOKE STUNK OF HORRID, ACRID URINE! (Maybe I might get to burning off some of the waste sticks in the back? We shall have to see.) - Mean-while, it appears that there are TWO chipmunks remaining to be removed (I HOPE THAT'S ALL). There weren't any for most of the after-noon today. May have been the heat... 31°. I'm wondering if they realise that there are 4 of them "missing". Anyway, they'll be brought to join their fellows... as soon as possible. I just hope there will be no more "demises"! I can't handle that! Sure, I'm not fond of them any longer, but... Bad enough I have to live with the mouse that died this Winter.... now I have a chipmunk too. - Well... most of what today was all about is on Yonah's Journal (of course) and that's caught-up. So I'm just going to post what I have here now, tonight, so that I don't fall behind at all. - Oh... 189 more photo pages to go. I must have done about 200 today. That's not the end of it, but it's a great start! - 20° tonight for the low... but there's a night of 8° coming yet. I HOPE SOME of those sun-flower seeds manage to take and grow! Damnit! The ones in the little "planters" haven't sprouted as yet... but then... I'm impatient and it's only been about 24 hours. - Anyway... off to post, nosh, Brit, rack. HAD TWO EPISODES OF CONTRACTIONS OF THE FEET LAST NIGHT!!! FUCK! HAD TO GET UP OUT OF THE BED, OF COURSE. There's always something denying proper rest. If nothing else kills me... that will.. .just pure exhaustion. -
Tue.31.May: WHERE IN FUX NAME HAS THE MONTH GONE TO? WHERE, IN FACT IN FUX NAME, THE YEAR? JUNE! TOMORROW! HALF THE BLOODY YEAR... GONE AL-FUCKING-READY! WHERE? HOW? WHAT? I'm REALLY PISSED-OFF!
19.11 SHIT! I'm REALLY FUCKING WHITE-HOT PISSED-THE-FUCK-OFF NOW! BETWEEN FUCKING NYSEG AND THE FUCKING CHIPMUNKS... A DAY OF PHOTO-WORK FUCKED... AND TIME WITH YONAH. NEVER MIND THE PHOTO PAGES... TIME WITH YONAH... STOLEN. AND IT TURNED INTO A GOOD DAY TOO... SUN-SHINE, BREEZE, LOWER HUMIDITY... FUCK... JUST FUCK!
OK... So... I got out of the rack, after a strange sort of night, at about 5.30 or so... I can't recall if I actually slept or got up. I couldn't even remember that this morning. But obviously, I turned the alarms off and dozed. - And the morning started "wrong"... As I was putting the press together for coffee, I dropped the top and the little knob broke off again! (It's massively epoxied now... FUCK!) - Yonah woke at 5.41 and the day commenced... I managed to get morning routine done but... at 6.38 there was a chipmunk in the jug! So... by 7.00, I was on the road to the river... with TWO... Got back by 7.30 and THOUGHT I'd be able to take it easy for a while and get started on the photo pages... HAH! At 10.50 ANOTHER ONE.. .IN THE JUG! THREE THIS MORNING! FUCK! TWO trips this morning, before noon! I'm getting my "walks" now... BUT THEN... I WENT FOR THE POST...
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** BLOODY FUCKING MISERABLE SHIT-FUCKERS... * NYSEG * SENT A BLOODY-SHIT-FUCKING *** DISCONNECT *** NOTICE! FOR THE 16TH OF JUNE! THEY WANT 124$ PLUS THE 180$ !!! AND WHEN I CALLED, I GOT SOME BULL-SHIT ABOUT PAYING IN FULL OR GOING OFF THE BUDGET NOW AND ALMOST 600 WILL COME DUE IMMEDIATELY AND THEN A LIST OF PLACES TO CALL FOR HELP AND THEN THE "PIA" TOOK A "FINANCIAL STATEMENT" WHICH I FUCKED ABOUT RENT AND OIL AND TRUCK PAYMENTS AND SUCH AND I'M SURE THERE'S GOING TO BE BULL-SHIT ABOUT THAT AND THEY HAVE TO "VERIFY" SHIT WITH DSS AND MY "NEW BUDGET" WOULD BE 101$/MONTH WHEN I USE ONLY ABOUT 60$ !!! "PIA" SUGGESTED HEAP (I'D ALREADY PUT A CALL IN TO JOANNE BUT EVEN NOW, HAVEN'T HEARD BACK), "RENT ASSISTANCE" AND "CATHOLIC CHARITIES" !!! WTAF? I WAS QUITE SWEET BUT... NOW WE'LL SEE JUST HOW CONNIVING THEY ARE... I'VE NO DOUBT THERE'S AN "ORDER TO DISCONNECT" ALREADY PRINTED IN SOME FILE... AND I DON'T DOUBT THEY'LL BE HERE EARLY IN THE COMING WEEK... IF THEY WAIT THAT LONG. WHEN I'D DONE WITH THAT, I CALLED BACK ABOUT 10300873061 STREET LIGHT... THE TICKET IS STILL OPEN AND OF COURSE, "HALLIE" COULDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING MORE OTHER THAN SHE TOO MENTIONED A "COVER". I DON'T EXPECT THAT TO GET DONE... OF COURSE... BUT THEY'LL RUN RIGHT OUT TO DISCONNECT... THE SHIT-SACKS! I WAS AND AM LIVID... BURNING, AT THIS POINT. ALL THESE YEARS TO COME EVEN AND NOW... SO... IT'S A "FUCK THEM"... THIS WEEK I'LL GO TO THE CREDIT UNION AND GRAB MY 180$ FOR THE BRAKES. ON FRIDAY, I'LL PUT IN FOR THE 320 OR WHAT-EVER I CAN SWING OUT OF THIS CHEQUE ON THE TRANSFER - IT'S GOING TO BE INTERESTING BECAUSE IT'LL BE 130 FOR THE LOAN PLUS THE BRAKES - AND THEN, MONDAY MORNING... OFF TO PAY THE LOAN AND TAKE THE MONEY OUT FOR THE BRAKES. FUKKITALL! IF THAT JOB AT THE PO COMES UP AND I HAVE A CHANCE THERE'S TWO TRIPS TO ALBANY COMING.. AND I'M TAKING CARE OF ME AND YONAH FIRST AND FOREMOST. THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN GO FINGER ITSELF RAW! AND THAT'S THAT FOR THAT ! THEY STOLE A DAY WITH YONAH... THERE'S NO FORGIVENESS... ONLY PAY-BACK NOW.
And so... Yonah and I had a "nosh-break"... I had bread and butter... AND... I was off to the river again... ANOTHER TRAP RELEASE... BUT ONLY ONE THIS TIME... DAILY TOTAL? 4... THE RUNNING TOTAL AT THAT POINT... 8. AND THEY KEEP COMING! THAT WAS AT 14.13... THREE TRIPS TO THE RIVER TODAY!
Daily total thus far: 4
Running total... 8
This is becoming more of an annoyance than much else. But I just can't tolerate even the thought of using the 5gal bucket of water and killing the little things. There's LIFE there... breath... I just can't. And I do suppose the walking is good. After all, I DID tell me, not too long ago, that I had to get back to that. Truth is though, these days, OMFG MY HIPS HURT WHEN I WALK! WTAF? I'm REALLY AGING! And I don't like it. - But, what made this trip a JOY and SORROW: 3 FOX PUPS AT THE CULVERT AT THE BRIDGE, THE ONE THAT GOES UNDER THE BIGOT'S DRIVE, WHEN I RELEASED THE LAST MUNK! SO TOO CUTE AND ME NO CAMERA! SHIT! - 18.36 ANOTHER munk in the trap when I cam back from dropping one off... in the Havahart, trapped whilst I was gone! IF another one drops into the jug, I'll make another trip. If not? The one in the trap stays the night.
Tally...>br />
6 for today... including the one in the trap...
plus 4 yesterday,
10... AND there are TWO MORE out there now, running about! I'm now on the brink... bucket, water, gone. They're not getting the hint, I don't know where they're coming from but the numbers are now too high for all this walking. And with the stress of today, my vision is SO OFF! I'll go blind at this rate, and the walking isn't helping. - Meanwhile... a family of Canada geese at the river... I got some photos but I doubt they're any good... had to "zoom". - And now, I'm sweating. - AND I'M RATHER LIVID... ONLY 20 PHOTO PAGES DONE TODAY! JUST ALL THE PHONE CALLS AND BULL-SHIT! NO MORE. JUST NO MORE! There's all of next week to ride... and on Friday, bills get paid. Next week, the money for the brakes will be in the account. Meanwhile, I'll get there and get the 200 out of reach... cash in the house. Brakes now... I have a job to think about and a trip to Albany! FUCK the rest of these shit-sax. - 23.07 I let that one munk in the trap loose this evening, not wanting to keep it trapped over-night. And tomorrow's forecast is for rain. I couldn't just leave the poor thing in there. BUT... I've added ACV to the ginger water, not much, just enough for a stink and slight sting (I should imagine), and that one got a good shot of it as it headed for the foundation of the house. If nothing else, s/he's going to STINK! - MEAN-WHILE... I'm so fucking wound tonight that I'm tired but not and ought to be in the rack but am sitting here, almost done with Yonah's journal for today and nothing but a mess of notes for this one... and I don't care. Taking a break... yoghurt and a Brit. Might be an "all-nighter"... Hopefully it WILL rain tomorrow and I can hunker with Yonah, take snoozes, get journals done, photo pages and snuggles. - 24.04 I just couldn't get my body to "shut down" at all... and I'm still not really ready for the rack, but I'm feeling the "late hour". My body can't tolerate the lack of rest... Odd... rest and food. Once upon a time I could go for a day or two with-out sleep... and THREE days with-out eating. "The end is nigh"... and now the dread. I had a tin of peaches... There's HELL waiting. For some reason, they have something to do with the worst CONTRACTIONS. I wonder what it is in them. But, there's one more left... and I don't know what to do with it. Well? Something else I can't enjoy. Fukkit! Off to the rack. - It's techinically JUNE. THIS is NOT how I saw this Summer being! Fucking HELL-SHIT!