Sun.1.Mar: 8.55 Well… bonjour. March. Imagine this. March. Opa died. Cynthia was born. Schmulik was born. Daylight Savings returns. First day of Spring. March. 3rd month of another year. B.F.D. indeed. I slept ever so well (I believe) last night. Woke this morning at about 6.00 and remembered that it’s Sunday, rolled over and went back to sleep until something-past 7.00. I’ve had my coffee and smoke and am looking through the music for the iPod, pondering “lists” to play for certain times (like, driving happy, driving relaxed, and the office). Pondering whether or not to try to get into the laundr-o-mat to wash the Nanuk. Pondering… “Pond’rin’. – But I went to sleep on clean linens, in clean jammies, put my head on clean pilla-cases and woke clean. It’s the littlest things in life. – Sunday… 1st day of March. I’d like to puke. – 12.26 A rather wasted morning… soc.med. and coffee. And now, new music on the iPod, the pod and speaker are charging for a while. I’m plotting a trip to the laundry to get the Nanuk cleaned. HLS is awake and in the parlour. Bobo and the concubine are out and about since about 10.00… “They probably went grocery shopping…” say HLS. Meanwhile, I noticed last night, the fridge in the kitchen is stuffed! Ce ce peut tu? And if I don’t get out of the house today, it will be my “day of fasting”. Ah hah… – They’d gone to Plattsburgh last evening. Oh my. I must get me over there… scout the place out and see where to move to… and wonder why there are no jobs open in the postal over there… hmmmm…. – Anyway, the little bit of sun-shine that manages through the clouds is quite warm, although the breezes are bitter cold. I imagine it’s going to be like that for quite the while, considering all the frozen lakes and such this Winter. Alas.. oh well… I suppose I should figure something for the “March” entries on the on-line Journal and then get me together and OUT of here! Tomorrow morning… MUST to get HOME and to the banque. Snow or not. – On with the day! – 21.53 I am SO HUNGRY! Today I wanted, so much, to get a Subway sandwich, a grinder from the Sheldon Creek Market… it’s my own fault, really. I could well have gotten into the car and gone. But I didn’t. Mileage on the car, gas, all sorts of reasons why I didn’t. And now, I’m HUNGRY! I had double Ramen with butter this evening. But the cravings… well… veggies and meat. My body is telling me something here. I entertained a trip to Metro for cheese, and then thought: I’m going tomorrow, no sense going today too. So tonight, again, I’m in bed, hungry. How stupid! – The day? In the room. Sorted through the papers from work, sorted through receipts that I don’t really need for anything. And then I filed them. I need to simply dispose of all this extra paper that I carry in the back-pack. Stupid of me, really. – Soc.med. too. Annoying shit for the most part. I still do not understand how the majority of people actually enable a government that is blatantly dead-set on their destruction. But, I am soon to be 60… closer yet, and ever day, to death. – That too, was a thought that came to mind and disturbs me terribly: I’ll probably begin to fall apart soon and I most certainly do NOT want to do so around others… particularly NOT in THIS house! I desperately NEED to get out of here and into a place where I can be autonomous! Some place where I can fall apart in peace… and I must do so SOON! It’s one thing to be treated like an out-cast, spoken to with great and obvious reserve. But this is a “house” and there are 3 others with close ties… no matter how one shakes it… there are close ties amongst them. But I need to get away from this situation… for SO many reasons. Away! AND… out of and far from this town! It’s a hateful place and I hate being in it. How I wish I could be sure of consistent employment. I’d seriously look into that little house in St-Armand. It might present a bit of an inconvenience getting home after work during the week… but in the long-run, it would be so much better in so many other ways. – As for tomorrow… hopefully the dusting of snow that we’ve already gotten is all there will be over-night. Odd… but the banque doesn’t open until 10.00 so I truly don’t have to be out of here until about 9.30… that late in the day. So there’s no pressure to be in bed and asleep too soon now. Still… I long for the days of a hot bath on Sunday night, and getting to bed and to sleep not later than 21.30… rising not later than 4.30 to start the day. With my own place, there would be so much to get done in the morning. But here? Nothing. being quiet so as not to disturb the Reliefers. – It would have been a delight to shower before getting into bed tonight. But I had that luxury last night. – My stomach is a bit on the “off” too right about now. The noodles. There’s a CoffeeCrisp in the “larder”, but I don’t want sugar… a Subway or grinder would be quite nice… and the truth and fact are: there’s no place to get either at this hour. And to think: no doubt there’s MORE than enough to get food… FOOD… on the card right now… yet… there’s no place to store any. And then… no place to prepare it either. I wouldn’t DARE store food or prepare anything for myself in this place. (I find it rather interesting that none of the others ponder my nourishment here. Nobody accounts for my not using the kitchen. But then again… they’re more than pre-occupied with having their breakfast foods, the cakes that are ever-present in the kitchen, the breads that stuff the fridge along with all the luncheon meats and such. And of course, today was the 1st of the month and there was the MAD RUSH to burn Jester’s Food Card out IMMEDIATLEY! If there is a lesson that I am supposed to learn from this experience, I wonder what it is. maybe a return to the Shelter days: storing chicken patties in a locker? I do wonder. – Well, it’s about time to focus on tomorrow… and HOME! May the weather and road conditions be fair. There can be music in the car now, with the little speaker and the clip for the iPod. How nice. Hopefully all will be good for that. A bit of a drive HOME, and some singing… that would be nice. (I thought today, as I sang for a while, of HLS’s comment about having lost voice over the years. Mine is still here… I just need to use it a bit more. For a while, when I got here, I noticed that I wasn’t able to sing. The voice has returned, thanks, in most part, to singing on the bike. But imagine… losing the voice I inherited from my Oma… who sang always.) – Well… wrap-up hour here. Tomorrow morning I should post this on-line… tomorrow… tomorrow… tomorrow….

Mon.2.Mar: 9.53 INCREDIBLE!!!! 22.00 LAST NIGHT… BEEDIE-BEEP… BLOINK-BLOINK… WHOO-WHOO from across the fucking hall! Complete shit, that fag! Text messages and e-mails on the phone!!! Door open. Volume up. What the fuck? Retarded in-breed! Worthless shit! All I could think of was the Shelter. Low-life, inconsiderate, brain-dead moron. This place truly IS SO MUCH like the Shelter. – That said, this morning, I woke with the 6.00 alarm… Bobo either over-slept or is back on the other hours at work because it left at shortly after 6.00… and it was SNOWING! SHIT! (The sun is out as I type this… I don’t know that I’ll be making the trip HOME this morning at this rate and at this hour.) – The snow put a delay on my plans for this morning and so, I got out the flash-drive and looked up some photos of the sketches from the Shelter Journals. It eats at me every time I think about them. I took the photos of the “Monogram” and “Black Notes”, found the original sketch for “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness”, combined them and they are now the “banner” for the fesses-book account. It would be a delight if somebody would see that image and report back that they know where the books are. But… I have no real hope of that ever happening. It’s all gone… gone… gone. And I still pray Karma will re-pay the acts that took them from me. – Soc.med. was “interesting” and a bit of fun this morning. Nothing really worth the time but it occupies hours that I could other-wise do nothing with. – I found out that there ARE wire brushes for electric drills! There’s a purchase in the future… a drill and the brushes and I can get at the PO Boxes lickety-split! YAY! I’d LUV to see them all shiny again! SOON! (And then hope I can stay at that office long enough to enjoy my work.) – The room has been smelling of bad breath and flatulence since last night. I don’t know if it comes in round the door or if it’s coming in through some cracks in the wall or perhaps in the ceiling behind the drop-panels. But the stench is awful! (More, again, like the Shelter… the stenches. MUST get the fuck out of here.) – Well, indeed, it looks like there will be no trip HOME this morning. Oh well… the sun is coming through but the roads are wet and there’s a bit of snow still falling and there’s snow blowing about. Alas… – HEY! I can get that grinder I’ve been craving! Must to quick-nap and get the fuck out of here. – Monday, Monday… can’t trust that day. – 17.36 I… am in the bed and in my jammies… and it’s gone bitter cold out there again. It was warmish when I left this morning… after a tepid shower. – I no sooner got into the shower and fucking fagshit Jester decided to run all sorts of hot water in the kitchen. I was so tempted to comment “Gee… somebody might want to check the water heater again.” on my way out… I said nothing. No sense. Not worth the breath. Just left. – Stopped at the market, got a pre-made turkey-prov. They’re not as good as the fresh-made. But, I had my grinder(ish) AND my crustinis! I ATE WELL(ish) today! – Today… HELL! The town’s complaining because the Annual Reports aren’t being delivered (Tim tells me he brought tubs of them into the plant only a week ago!). Mail’s not being delivered to the rurals. They’re fucking about with PO Box payments that should be in 83 over to the 85. The whole system’s gone fucked. THEN the C. snapped at me because of the Annual Reports: “You were supposed to break them down…” I “told” her that I’d called 3 different people and nobody seemed to know what to do with them… as if this was the first time they’d come in. She wasn’t happy with what I told her but I’m on the cusp of going “public” with this shit. As it is, I’m referring people to the 85 office… let the deal with it. – Ah… at the market though… I get my food, hop back into the car (where I’d been listening to music and signing along all the way there) and the damned steering wheel wouldn’t un-lock! I was STUCK! Couldn’t turn the key! I don’t know exactly what happened… and I don’t know how I managed to “correct” it but it bothered (and bothers) the shit out of me! (I’m listening to the paper on the wall move as I type this… how about that!) – Close-out this evening didn’t happen. The meter wasn’t put into the “e”1412! SO… I shot an e-mail off to Rachel and the C. and left the office at 16.50. Fuck it. – Was going to go into the Walmarde to get a drill and a brush for the PO Boxes this evening but the temperature has bottomed-out!!!! The wind is whipping! The car was running rather strangely… a bit of a shimmy. So I came over the 105 and to the house… in the DRIFTS!!! I drive through them now, remembering… REMEMBERING THE WALKS THROUGH THOSE DRIFTS!!! THE WIND BLASTING THE SNOW UP OVER THE ROAD-SIDE RIDGES AND INTO MY FACE! MY BEARD AND MOUSTACHE FROZEN TOGETHER. I REMEMBER… ALL TOO WELL… I REMEMBER. – If anything happens to this car.. I’m quite dead. – And so, I get to the house and somebody partially plowed the snow… into a nice little mound on the side of the house… so I had to trample OVER that and through the drifts. The car is parked in front of the… er… “drive-way”. Fuck’em really. Tomorrow morning… I AM SO OUT OF HERE and HOME! No matter what! If the car starts and runs… I’m GONE EARLY! 9.30, I should think. Sitting in a parking lot in Bedford is better than nestling in a bed in Fuklin. To be sure. – And now, as the paper on the North wall moves (I can hear it), there’s a tea steeping. – And oh… when I got into the house… the 3 of them in the parlour… Jester in the “love seat” as usual, with the little Mexishit on lap, Bobo in the recliner, most reclined and HLS SITTING UP in the other recliner. They are apparently waiting for something… of course, FOOD… It’s 17.52 and I smell something cooking… good for them… off to the troughs they go. Me? I’m hungry, indeed… but MUCH better than last night. And there’s my tea waiting. – I’m hoping to be out of it in a little while… just to sleep the rest of this shit-day away. Everything will freeze again this evening. There’s a bit more snow in the forecast. May it blow through and out before dawn… – I’m going to look at places to go to… to call “home”. I hope I can find something.. soon. – 18.45 I smell something baking and just remembered… on my calendar either today or tomorrow is Bobo’s B’day. Oh well… lah dee dah. – I’m tired. Checking for places and such and e-mails and such and ready for bed… soon! This fucking place drains the life out! – 22.12 Off for the last smoke… the place stinks of some kind of sweet baking. It’s enough to make me puke. Oh well… Fun times on the fesses-book. I posted photos from the Monogram and the photos of the “Tree”… Matthew saw them already. Sweet man. I miss him.

Tue.3.Mar:
HOME CIBC

6.54 The sun is shining through my window… and the barn thermo reads… Minus 18°F. Nope. The cold isn’t over yet. – That stench of “baking”… another one of those scented waxes. I noticed it on my last smoke last night. And another thing I noticed last night: HLS and Bobo went to sleep last night with their TV going, quite loudly.. and Jester has the door open… annoying at best. He did mention, once, in a drunk stupour, that their TV keeps him awake. Oh well… Honestly, the inconsideration of them, for each-other. It makes me wonder… but then again… it doesn’t. – I made a few comments on the fesses-book last night about the IRS, quite terse. I wonder what, if any, responses will be made. if any. I’m just so fed-up with all of this political bull-shit. And there’s a post that claims that the Presdiouche of this manure pit has threatened Israel: He’s given orders that any air craft flown out of haEretz toward Iran in defence are to be shot down. This country has gone straight to useless. And nobody’s stopping it. (The most shameful bit: Canada, too, is going the same way these days. There’s no “neutrality”, no sense… nothing is making any sense any more.) And on the job: it bothers me that I got snapped at yesterday about the Annual Reports… and that I couldn’t close business before leaving. Seems everything is falling apart…. in the World. – Well… time to set sights on getting to the banque this morning, perhaps a stop at Rona for a drill and brush. There are local things that can be attended… I set my sights on those and let the World do what it will to itself. – Another morning, another day. – And Bobo is still in bed. Perhaps today is the birthday. Oh well… how charming. – 19.25 On my second 50 and wishing I’d gotten the absinthe today! FUCK! Got HOME today, all well and fine. Banquing, Metro… was going to stop at Rona but decided to go straight back to work… the Subaru was making “side-trips” again. (I rang Mike, left another message when I got back to the office. Will MUST make more calls. This is concerning me now. I don’t know if it’s the ice in the wheel-wells or what, but it NEEDS to be addressed!) – Got to the office at noon, the phone rang… the fucking C. asking if Rachel had arrived. RACHEL? Why? To help me with getting the meter on the e1412!FUCK YOU! It took Rachel all of 3 minutes to do the work… fuckall. – THEN… comes the forms for the new position at the office!!!! Tax forms and the likes… and I completed them, scanned and sent them in… IMMEDIATELY! ONLY TO BE TOLD, ALMOST AT THE END OF THE DAY… I CAN’T HAVE THE OFFICE! AND HR IS NOW ASKING THE C. IF SHE WANTS TO GO TO THE NEXT CANDIDTATE WHO… BY THE WAY.. ISN’T FROM THE POSTAL SERVICE!!!!! I’M BEING FORCED INTO RESIGNING! I DON’T TRUST THE LOT OF THEM! NOT A ONE! THEY’VE CHANGED THEIR STORY AT HR… THE QUNT WON’T DO SHIT TO HELP… JUST SENT AN E-MAIL TO HR SAYING “DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.” FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! FOR A WHILE, I WAS SO HAPPY TODAY! AND THEN, AS IS USUAL… BAM! RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE!!!! My gut tells me NOT to resign. But then, this evening as I came back from filling the tank, I thought: Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and fall… and hope… I did it for the Shelter… I have to close my eyes again.. and free-fall… just free-fall… tomorrow… My fucking income, home, car… free-fall. And there’s nobody… NOBODY NOBODY NOBODY!!!! I’M ALONE… and on my second “50”. – It’s snowing again right now. If the snow is gone in the morning… SAQ! I’ve taken more than I care to. And if I have to resign? Absinthe! I’m fucking fed-up with with this shit. – Came into an empty house. They went out to celebrate Bobo’s birthday. They came in shortly after me though and the house is quiet. Me? I’m in jammies… listening to repeated Brandi Carlisle… wanting a smoke with my beer. Fuck.. fuck… FUCK!!!! – 23.13 WIND IS HAMMERING AGAINST THE WINDOWS AND HOUSE! SNOW COVERING THE ROAD AGAIN! BRUTAL OUT THERE TONIGHT… time for sleep.

Wed.4.Mar: 8.04 I’ve been awake, and asleep, and awake, and asleep most of the morning. At 7.53 I gave up and gave in. I’m awake. Miserable. But awake. Just up from my smoke. Warm. Clammy. The beers last night? General malaise? Don’t know. Can’t care, really. Wording my resignation in my head. So much I’d like to put into it… but the one thought that recurs: “I have no recourse at this juncture…” And I don’t. “Sometimes… we simply have to close our eyes and free-fall..” Indeed. – 18.48 Chat with Viv this morning, via the Skype. Told her about the pending resignation and such… apathy. I wonder what meds they’ve got her on. Her affect is very much like Prozac. Anyway, when it got to be time to get to the shower, I simply shut the lap-top down. Oh well… – Word of News for the day:
RESIGNATION IS IN! FRIDAY, CLOSE OF BUSINESS, I’M NOT ONLY NOT A POSTAL PEOPLE… I’M UN-EMPLOYED! I worded the resignation so that it clearly states that I’m resigning my position as PTF to “pursue other possible opportunities with the Postal Service”. I got into the office early, balanced the drawer count to the penny, dumped my change in there for the next person to have to count (HAH HAH!) and then checked my e-mail… the response from “corporate”: A one-liner, essentially… You’re not eligible for the PSE spot sorry for the misunderstanding. You know what? Paste… click… sent. The C’s reaction? Essentially, you need to complete form number…. on and on… and then “OH SHIT! THIS FRIDAY!” Well… too fucking bad for you. You turned away from it yesterday… dropped me out of the loop (as it were) of all your e-mails… so? BANG! Now YOU deal with the results. Yes, it’s going to be unadulterated HELL for ME for a while… and if there’s ONE even slight fuck-up over there, I’ll be a customer and as such, will BITCH to the highest of highs! Too fucking bad for the rest of them. Their “holiday” is DONE! I already know what kind of fuck-ups are going on, and so do some of my customers. So? So! Like the rest of them, I don’t give a shit: if I have to bitch… so be it. – Meanwhile, the car goes in Tuesday coming to have the front end checked. I’m a bit nervous about that but at least there’s one more pay-cheque coming in in addition to the bit in the banque (which is about 300$ – US – less than the $CAD but is still relatively OK for now). – So I’m having a v-ton in the hopes of getting to sleep ever so soon. – Tomorrow morning I close the drawer and the door to the Fuklin office. THAT in and of itself is a relief! Too bad it had to take this to get the fuck completely out of there… but it’s a PLUS as I see it. Step one to getting the fuck away from this shit-hole. – The house is all a-buzz this evening. Chittie-chattie in the hall and such. Me? I’m staying out of “their” politics. I’ve bigger fish to fry… speaking of which… here come the days of no hot food again. Oh well… – 22.35 Much Skype with Viv this evening. 2 v-tons and I’m exhausted and hoping for sleep. I have a copy of all the docs from the office computer on a flash and backed-up to the lap-top. – I wonder what the reaction would be if all the misleading documentation that I got all along about this “reverting” shit got into the “wrong” hands. Time to plant some “seeds” of rumours… tomorrow will be a nice beginning for that. Indeed. – Meanwhile… something to “sleep on” tonight. – Note: Earlier this evening, I went down for a smoke and the house STUNK like horrible old feet! Not soon after, the scent of the Febreeze in the loo came wafting into the room. I wonder who did what to provoke THAT! Slobs. – Anyway… time for sleep here. Tomorrow is the “CUT” from the Fuklin town PO… and am I ever happy to get to THAT point! NO MORE ME in THAT office! AT LAST! Horrible way to achieve it, but, in the midst of what could be depressing, there is a beautiful light shining. OH… and there’s an opening for a PSE in PLATTSBURGH! I’ll have to must investigate! (Housing over there is geared mostly to college kids on the Crgslst, but… what the hey?)

Thu.5.Mar: 7.17 And again this morning… turn off the alarm and back to sleep. Late night. 2 drinks. Not good. And this morning… today and tomorrow and… dead space. Oh well… there IS that opening in Plattsburgh. If the car can put up with the travel, it’s OK. If the hours there are worth the effort, it’s OK. There’s always the “But”. And one of aspect of that is… “but” it COULD be quite wonderful. We just have to try, wait, see. “Let the mystery be.” And see. – I feel like shit!. – 21.24 Too much time on the Skype tonight. But it was fun… and… AND.. ROAD TRIP on Saturday! Viv’s coming down and we’re off to Williston for the day and for lunch! (And it better not SNOW! That’s all I have to say on the matter.) WELL! It was a hectic day at the office, made worse by not having FOOD! BUT… as of 17.15 or so, MY count sheet BALANCED TO ZERO DIFFERENCE! SO TOO… THE FUKLIN DRAWER! DONE! As far as I’m concerned. My finances are set! There’s nothing anybody can say. And I’ve cleaned “me” out of the office… completely. DONE! Tomorrow… the C. comes over and we CLOSE! DONE! *As for this place here at the house… if anybody asks… “Mandatory Break In Service”. Period.* I was going through the e-mails about the conversion back to PSE and I noticed that there are two women coming in. As I told Lisa this morning as we closed Fuklin: You all get to go back to the “All Girls Club”. Hint. AND… I mentioned that if all of the previous e-mails were to land in the wrong hands, there’d be quite the trouble for a great many people. (I’m still pondering how to go about that… and see what happens. EEOC? I’ll ponder a bit more… but not much longer.) The “seeds” of rumour have been planted at any rate. – But it’s done. Tomorrow… done done finished. I’m a bit of a mess though. Unemployed… again. But this time, it’s not like I have no prospects. I understand that Richford will be looking for PSE’s in the near future. So there’s a potential… if Tyler will let me in that office… or any that he’s over-seeing… even Montgomery. – OH! KEVIN stopped at the office today. “How do you like the Subie?” When I told him about the “side trips”, he reiterated that it’s probably a wheel alignment. It goes in on Tuesday… I HOPE that’s ALL it is… for now. He was quick with the stop-by, but still… it was interesting that he recognised me and stopped. – Meanwhile, there seems to be “something” in the air in this house. All are pleasant enough.. but not very friendly. Viv’s planning on coming to the door on Saturday… to say “Hi.” Especially since the rumour hit that she can’t stand any of them… Should be interesting. Indeed. – The ice in the wheel-wells is finally dropping. Not completely. There’s still MUCH left under there. It just hasn’t gotten warm enough for long enough to get rid of it all. I might make a run-through the car-wash tomorrow… in the hopes of getting rid of more of it. It’s SOLID though. This has been one HELL of a Winter! – But for now, the little heater is going, 5 tea-lights in the pots (with the oiled water on top). The temperature in here has been hovering at 20° but I’m chilled. Stress, exhaustion, anxiety, and a touch of a sprinkle of depression… at the thought of being in this house all day again.. and now, nothing to do but shovel snow. Oh well… it will be what it will be. – This evening, Bobo was piddling on the tablet in the parlour, doing some kind of calculations. I happened to notice “84$” on the screen. As I said to Viv: 500 from me, 400 from Jester, and probably still the 700 from HLS… 1600$/month plus Bobo’s salary and “no money”? Something’s quite wrong… AND Penny paying their bills!? Makes me sick. But when one thinks about it…. they don’t work for their income… so they’ve got no “responsibility”… just a sense of “entitlement”. – That said, I should remember to check my FS this month. – OH OH OH!!!! The letter arrived today: Taxes are gone! 399$ taken AGAIN this year. Well? Fuck them! Now it’s “Student Loan” for a fucking degree I didn’t get because of that asssucker Tetrault. Oh well… It’s not like it’s sudden… 26 years of this shit. And soon? I’ll be too fucking old and/or dead… They’ll lose no matter what. Fukkem! – That said… Nap time. I want to stop at the market (Hannaford’s) for food tomorrow en route to the office… for lunch. And probably after work for FOOD for this room. (I really should figure a way to heat foot by tea-lights… what, with all the heat they put into the pots.) For now… it’s time for a nap. One v-ton this evening and I’m exhausted. – Two points in closing… (1) 21.6 and the bliddie-bleeps start from across the hall… ShelterTrash! – (2) SOME-how, February’s journal notes got into March… funny, that, March is the month missing form the Bitter-Sweet Bitterness. March… fugly month.

Fri.6.Mar: 5.53 I woke at about 5.15, stayed in the bed for as long as I possibly could and decided to simply get up, have my coffee and smoke and see how long this will last… this being awake. – The only thought keeping me “sane” is “Mandatory Break In Service”. Indeed, it is… “Mandatory”, because with-out it, life and work would become a living Hell. And in order to keep the job that I enjoy, it’s been proven that IMUST “break” my service. And it DOES open other opportunities, even with-in the service. AND, now, they can’t… CANNOT “disqualify” me when I re-apply. I’m leaving with a clean record, clean history, and a perfectly ordered office. So? It might be a couple of weeks… but it’s not as if I’m OUT of there. AND… employment wasn’t “terminated”. It’s nothing more than a “break”. So, logically, rationally, this is all that it is. Sure, things are going to get tough. But, they would have done anyway, even if the promises made were kept. I’d’ve HAD to have a “break” anyway… and there’s no telling what would have happened, had I not taken this action. So… – Meanwhile, right now… the worst thing about being awake is that I could use the loo.. but I can’t. Bobo’s awake too… in the loo. Oh well… I’ll just sit here for as long as possible. – And HEY! At least I didn’t go get the drill and brushes to work on the PO Boxes! Money saved. AND… there’s 2 month’s rent in the banque. (Hopefully the car won’t require that.) – We’re OK. Not “WONDERFUL”… but we’re OK. There are PSE positions coming open along the way. It’s OK. – Now then… I can also get back to cleaning this computer up a bit, get some of these files off… arrange the images and such. Maybe even get to something art-ful or what-ever. There ARE things to be done. Indeed. – Let the day commence. –
*****
21.00
It was about 10.00 this morning when there was a knock on the door, asking if I’d showered yet. HLS is having PT and needed to shower. I said that I hadn’t but please go ahead… and “THANK YOU.” (for considering me, imagine that). By about 10.30 I was in the shower and dressed and by 11.00 I was on the road to Hannaford’s for… VEAL patties for lunch! and Portuguese rolls! Apple turn-overs and Starbucks coffees! WOAH! (FS) – A strange trip back to the office today. It won’t settle into the brain… there’s anxiety, panic, relief, anger, bitterness, and more, just crashing around in me. When I got to the office at about noon, I had time to do the reports and such AND the box audit!!!! ALL of the “work” there is done … for the C. NOT that it’s ever appreciated, but then… I don’t give a fuck about “appreciation”. It’s been so rare in my life-time anyway. Fuck it! Really… – I was JUST getting into printing the e-mails that I need to keep AND Hoovering the place when the chill in the air and the scent of propane took hold. (Later, I was told by the C. that it’s good that I know what propane smells like because… SHE DIDN’T! It figures though.) ANYWAY… I checked the heater and it was quite cold, and the stench of the propane was quite strong. So…I calmly tried ringing the Highgate Office, dutifully… Line occupied… occupied… occupied… so I just continued with the cleaning and printing and kept trying to get through. Finally, as the stench built, I decided to call Fuklin. Lisa’s really rather good at knowing the protocol. So when I got her, her advice was to call Highgate. Yes, imagine that. – Well, it was after a bit, but I did get through and the rest? Well… THEY would call the gas company.. OK… I ring off… they call back… What gas company?… I look it up on the files.. tell them. OK… Ring off… they call back… What’s the account number? I have to look it up. The C. tells me to turn off all the electrics. OK. Right. That’ll help. Sure. Rachel rings back “Have you evacuated?” Well, no. I’m waiting for the gas company. Evacuate. Don’t let anybody in… etc. etc. etc. Don’t have a cigarette unless you go down to the market (yes, and be held on charges of abandoning the office… right). – I step out onto the porch to see the landlord and his daughters standing there. Apparently Highgate rang THEM to tell THEM to get out before giving ME the word. Anyway, when I told him what was going on he says “That would explain my head-ache when I woke up. My bed’s right next to the door there.” (The one with the shelves across it.) Ah… but… NOBODY called the FIRE department… yet. – As we’re standing there, in the bitter cold (it was something after 15.00 by now and the sun was setting and so too, the temperatures) Suburban Propane rings me… *I* am to shut the tank off! ME? OH NO! I touch the damned thing and if anything’s wrong with it… it’s MY fault? FUCK YOU very much. I told them it’s “your tank” and YOU come fix it. Rang off, rang Highgate and told Rachel what Suburban told me and that I was NOT going to touch the damned tank. She agreed. Ah… the C. gets on the line so I ask “Has anybody called the Fire Dept.?” “We’re working on it.” says she. Meanwhile, she’s supposed to be there today to close me out… but since there’s some kind of danger, obviously, closing me out wasn’t important any longer. OK then! Meanwhile, we’re all standing out in the parking lot… freezing. But that’s not important. – After a while, Suburban Propane shows up. The guy is in obvious need of an attitude adjustment. No doubt pissed because I rang-off on them. And he asks the landlord “You called because you smelled a gas leak?” The landlord deflects to me and the guy won’t speak with me. No prob! He goes into the office to check. As he’s checking… a car pulls up across the road and an old fellow gets out. He’s wearing “farm clothes” of sorts and a little badge of some kind. Tells me to stand away from the building… I light a cigarette and stand across the road. Meanwhile, I have my belongings in the car and the car is running to keep it warm in there. Oh well… The old fellow starts directing traffic away from the office. A woman pulls up, gets out of the car and in spite of being told several times that the office is closed, she gets bent because she has mail to go out! Typical. So I take her mail, assuring her that it will go out this evening per schedule. – Next… TWO fire trucks arrive. And of course, everybody knows everybody else at this juncture. So there’s much laughing and joking and making of merry as the gas company and a fire-folk go through the building. – It must have been round about 16.00 before the C. arrived, not too terribly concerned about much of anything. We chatted about “stuff”, nothing in particular and nothing about the day, my resignation, nothing of importance. – By about 16.30 it was clear. The gas company said the tank had run out of gas and all we were smelling was the remnants of the chemicals. Although, going into the office, it was more obvious that the tank had emptied into the post office, but there was no sense in discussing the matter. – The C. and I went into the office, I got the mail together and…. SHE WANTED TO DO A COMPLETE DRAWER COUNT! So… I closed my paper-work AND helped her with the drawer count. She took the key for the office but… NOT MY I.D.! And when it was all done, we “talked”. – She asked me if I was comfortable with my decision to resign. So I told her that I’m angry, quite bitter and intend to pursue the matter further. She told me that the qunt with the certified letters made quite the issue of the matter and had reported it… writing a “book” and that it went to Consumer Affairs… and that there are now two reports about me with them and that if I re-apply, these matters might have a negative impact. Oh yeah? THEN she tells me that there are reports about me from the Fuklin office (as if I didn’t know) and the one from “Economic Advantages”. Ah… well.. nobody seems to know that all of THAT was calmed between US… with NO help from any of THEM. So… FUCK YOU! Just because… FUCK YOU!
***** THEN CAME THE NEWS: I HAD TO RESIGN BY TODAY BECAUSE MY JOB HAD ALREADY BEEN GIVEN TO ANOTHER APPLICANT! SOMEBODY ELSE WAS WAITING FOR MY DECISION WHETHER TO MOVE ON TO HIGHGATE OR TO RESIGN! BUT… THE POINT IS… MY JOB WAS ALREADY GIVEN TO SOMEBODY ELSE! AND, IF I PURSUE, IT WILL ALL COME BACK TO HER… THE C. BEACUSE SHE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE SENT ME THE FINAL PAPERS… TAX FORMS AND SUCH BECAUSE THE JOB HAD ALREADY BEEN OFFERED TO SOMEBODY ELSE! SO… SHE MADE ALL NICEY-NICEY TALK ABOUT GRAND-CHILDREN AND SUCH AN MY AGE. TO DIVERT THE ATTENTION AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT MY JOB WA S ALREADY GIVEN AWAY… EVEN BEFORE I RESIGNED!!!!! *****
I said I had no intentions of implicating her, that she was acting on information given to her from “upper management” but, she’s concerned that she WILL be implicates.
***** SHE ADMITTED THAT IT WAS ALL HANDLED POORLY AND THAT NOBODY HAD THE RIGHT TO HANDLE IT ALL THE WAY THAT IT WAS HANDLED. *****
Me? I’m just going to take a little time to de-compress, compose some e-mails, prepare to take this to the Union and to the EEO… quite freely. I’ve been led down the garden path, paved with nothing but pure lies all the way. I’ve printed out all the e-mails that I received. I have to review them, get the names and dates and such in order. Actually, this is going to be quite the delight because I didn’t originally intend to, but now, I’m going to fight to get the job I applied for, interviewed for and was TOLD THAT I HAD! Period. I’m tired of all the bullshit I’ve put up with since arriving in this state. The accusations of assault, embezzlement, abandonment (Frannie darling), irresponsibility (Silas dear), selfishness, leeching, mooching and all the rest… the line “You owe us a lot of money!” after all the work I put into somebody else’s property so that THEY could get a loan… that ultimately got pissed away… even as THEY have somebody else paying their bills… AND the twisting of my words and actions resulting in MORE lies, MORE slander. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK THEM FUCK IT ALL AND FUCK THEM ALL! ITS BEEN MUCH MORE THAN TOO MUCH AND IT’S TIME TO GET THE “NEW YORKER” BACK UP AND OUT… COUPLED WITH THE “HOMELESS” NEW YORKER…
***** FORMAL DECLARATION OF ABSOLUTE WAR HERE!!!!! *****
*****
And so, THIS day came to a close…. After all of that, I came back to this shit-hole… EXHAUSTED! Instead of being able to take care of the office, to leave it in “perfect” order, (although the C. kept telling me that the office was in wonderful order..) I had to deal with THIS. BUT… one thing I MUST say: It still holds true that if you remain quietly by, giving others the rope, eventually they WILL build the gallows, tie the noose and hang themselves in the most obvious fashion…. and they have done. – Skyped with Viv for a few hours. The internet connection wouldn’t support the video. We did text for the last part of it tough. She’s still planning on being here around 10.00 tomorrow. But we shall see what tomorrow brings. – I’ve got head-ache and can still smell the propane. One light v-ton down and one left in the bottle. Anything to help take the “edge” off of all of this now. – “They were out when I got in this evening. They’re back… and as much as I try to make with nice conversation, I can tell that the replies are constricted. There’s something coming… and most likely when the warmer weather arrives… as usual… there’s going to be some kind of confrontation. I couldn’t guess about what,but I can sense it coming. Well… Wait until the news comes about the “Mandatory Break In Service”! (At least I still have my ID as some sort of support. that it isn’t “FINAL”… The PO didn’t take it from me… as they should. So that means something.)
More letters from the Fed today too… “Student Loan” now, so they say, AND the extra credit of about 499$ I’m “entitled” to! I opened the form, signed it and sent it back. Done. Arse-licking bottom-feeders. In addition to trying to simply make ends be in the same district all my life, I have THIS to contend with now… But it’s been 27 years of them taking and giving no break… it’s become “normal” at this juncture. Still, when I think that my “annual” income for last year was 8k! WAAAAY BELOW even the “poverty level” and they STILL take! I never did like this country, nor the lies it shoved into the heads of children in schools, nor anything it’s ever stood for… and I’ve no reason to die with any different thoughts on the matter. This entire country is a shit-pot. – 21.15 I’m actually tired. What I wouldn’t give to have a smoke with a drink! – 22.06 Just up from a smoke with both. Nice chit-chat. But now the odour of propane and weed. AND… I’m getting the most horrific sharp pains in the chest and left arm and my left hand is sore. Hey! Calgon! Take me away? Would be nice at this juncture. – Jammies on. Pot heater and little heater going. It’s finally getting “toasty” in the room… but I can’t get the cold out of my bones.

Sat.7.Mar: 7.13
IV
And I woke before the alarm. – Day 1 of “Mandatory Break In Service” here. Cloudy. 0° on the barn. Over-cast. How charming… right. And a bit of the snow is beginning to fall. One report is less than a cm. Another report is 1-3cm. We shall see where this all brings us. Indeed, we shall see.
“Perception”: Quite individual. To each his own. This could be perceived as a loss of many opportunities. It can also be perceived as an opening to a great many opportunities. And I need to make notes, write thoughts and memories. There will be those who perceive this as “now you’re unemployed”, just as Anne said “you lost your chances of getting unemployment”. Ah… but I GAINED my chances of having a job that will give me at last 20-35 hours/week as opposed to my chances of having a job that will give me maximum of 15 hours and more than likely considerably fewer. I lost the chances of having my employment being “terminated”… “with cause” over the slightest issue. I gained a chance to grieve this entire situation with-out fear of retaliation. *RETALIATION* Just as Stacie fired Nicole when she had no right to do so, here, I’ve been put in a position where-by I was forced to resign… amongst lies. And as a non-employee… I have venues I wouldn’t have as an employee… Granted, I might have lost the chance of Union representation… but I can now take the issue to others… like the EEOC and such. Perception… it’s all a matter of perception.
Meanwhile, time to check the Skype for the word: Not going to make this trip… and then to think about contingencies. – (Sunday morning at 8.46…) WE MADE IT! VIV came down, and came into the house to say Hello and Good morning. HLS was just getting out of bed as we were leaving at about 10.30, but she stopped in to say a few words to Bobo… Jester sat there and, as Viv noted in the car, wouldn’t even look up from its phone nor even glance in her direction. GOOD! – I put the car in the yard between the house and the phone company. I wanted to put it more into the back yard but couldn’t manoeuvre it round the sharp bend in the way it was plowed, so I left it just in the yard (mistake, that). And… we were off on the road. It was over-cast, but warm (much warmer than it’s been for quite a while… it was in the low 20sF today!) Down the 120 to the 105 to the 89 and off to Williston we went! For me, I have to say, it was really quite strange being on the open road, leaving the “North” of the state, travelling South. The open road, the traffic. Amazing, how much I’ve become so used to the rurals. – Well, as per plan, first stop… the Christmas Tree Shop where, amazingly, neither of us did a lot of shopping. Precious little, as a matter of fact. Viv got only a table cloth, glasses for Anna and something else, small and rather insignificant. I got a bowl that was supposed to be for the pot-heaters but as it turned out, will be for… well… packing at this point I suppose, and 2 tooth-brushes. Quite the “non-event”. – We were both starving at that point, it was already past noon, so we toddled over to Chili’s where, again, we couldn’t recall if it was the burrito, enchilada or what-have-you that she usually likes. Viv had the enchilada… and that wasn’t what she likes, but it was filling and good. Me? I HAD STEAK! A tiny steak, but it tasted EVER SO GOOD! Not nearly enough, but delicious. I haven’t had real beef in.. oh… probably YEARS at this point! How I enjoyed it, and yet, all the while, mourned the loss of cooking my own. But it was a delight and I thanked Viv repeatedly for the idea. I put the bill on my “card” and was curious as to the final charge when it hit the account. She and I got into a chat about the conversion and I pointed out that I’m paying the same price she would pay. Then he said “I owe you at least 100$ by now!” It’s rather strange that she and I now pay in the same currency. But, that’s how it is. – We made a quick stop at Hannaford’s after. I was hoping she could get some food, but I got coffee and a box of tea for her… which she managed to give back to me… so I now have 50 bags of Earl Grey… enough to last through to NEXT Winter. When we came out, she started to clean the dash… I’d thought it was some kind of fabric.. that’s how much dust had accumulated on it. She said that she hasn’t cleaned in about TWO YEARS! How un-like BOTH of us, I find. We USED to be immaculate… and these days? Well… my “residence” is a mess and apparently her’s too… Residence and car. We’ve gotten to “that” age, I suppose. – A stop at Home Depot to look for that cedar spray I’d gotten on 23rd St. Nope. They don’t have it. Just the oil… at 20$US per can. No… I didn’t get it. – We both needed coffee so I took her past the USCIS and Adecco route to get to McD’s on the Shelburne rd. SO MUCH has been built down there! I was truly amazed as we drove alongwhat used to be just wood-land. – After drive-through coffee, we stopped at the car wash that I used to go to. 12$ for a rather shitty job, but her car was in desperate need! AND… it was rather fun, sitting in the car, having coffee, and chatting. – After the wash, we had to head South on the Shelburne rd. so we went past the North Star and I took her for the turn-around past the Clearwater residence… Steve and Tara… where my “Vermont life” began. The house is the same. The old Subaru wagon is junked out front. Nothing to note there. I’ve no emotional attachments to anything down there… Matter of fact, I’ve never felt so NOT attached to any place ever. – Up the Shelburne rd. to the Allen rd. (where, again… no attachments) and the Spear st. THAT’S being built up too! New housing developments where there used to be fields! Chittendon… they can keep it. And on to Dorset and back on the 89. – I suggested getting off at exit 20 and taking the “short” way back which became the “long” way back because it was dark and Viv drove rather slowly. Bushey and Hanna, as it were. – When we got back to the house, Viv came in to chat with HLS. They have music in common too! She mentioned something about going to Chris deBerg in September this year. Ca ce peut tu? But they have more of the “heavy” stuff in common.. Led Zepplin and that sort of thing. Still, it was “interesting” to see… At least now, the “Viv can’t stand it here.” rumour is gone. And all the while, Jester made with the “busy” to keep away. Viv said it didn’t make eye contact when she arrived and this time, couldn’t even stay in the same room! Too funny. Well.. the lies are out int he open now. – She left at about 19.30 or so. It was a delightful day. What a shame we didn’t do more whilst I was working and she had the time off. Well… the nicer weather is coming… hopefully we’ll do more together then. – So… comes the night and all is settling, and I’m being “civil” in the parlour and the EVENT of the century comes… Bobo asks “When do you have to bring the car in?” on Tuesday. “Would you mind bringing Randy and Chica into Enosburgh that morning? Chica is going to the vet’s.” WELL SHIT! I didn’t answer at the time, in spite of the fact that I wanted to simply reply “Oh FUCK HELL NO!” I came up to the room to ponder… and have a drink and check to see if Viv had gotten back OK (via Skype). Well… I pondered, she arrived, we chatted only briefly. Her pass back home was a snap (YAY!) and I continued to ponder the request… I mentioned it to her as well and she agreed that I shouldn’t. – At about 23.00 I went for a smoke and BOTH Bobo and HLS were in the kitchen, snacking. (I’m assuming it was after a bit of… well… what-ever.) But before HLS came in, I told Bobo: “Considering how my words have been twisted in the past and caused trouble, and I THINK all is well now… and the fact that you’d warned me not to be too close to him when there’s nobody around because, as you put it, ‘he’s the type to fall and swear you pushed him’ and that that car is going into the shop because it’s not running quite right… I mean, if anything were to happen while he was in the car, I could be held accountable for whip-lash and who-knows-what… No. I won’t take him on Tuesday. And I DO hope you don’t think I’m just being a prick.” “Oh, that’s OK. I know.” he said. “I’m just being…” is said. “Paranoid?” he asked. “Cautious!” I replied. And that ended that. – I had my smoke and came up to finish my 3rd v-ton and shut the lights out on this day. It was already round about mid-night by then. – Quite the day… Delights all day and ending with quite a bit of a shock… that anybody could be so selfish and self-serving as to actually ask me such a favour… FUCK! Don’t offer me a lift in the pouring rain… and these days, I remember walking through the winds and drifting snows last Winter… but will ask me to give a lift to THAT piece of unadulterated shit? Nah… I do NOT think so!

Sun.8.Mar: 8.46 which is really 7.46 but it”s DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME. AND…. SNOW! So much so that the plow had to pass already this morning. The road is wet, but the snow is coming down steadily. And those 3 drinks last night.. taking their toll. Never 3 again. Not that I’m totally hung-over… just not feeling “right” this morning. – 9.03 I’ve done notes for yesterday, coffee’s cooling… snows coming. I’m so tired… nap time. – 11.25 they awake… I go to nap. – 21.19 I cleared and cleaned the top of the desk.. Headache and fatigue most of the day. Had the 2 remaining Portuguese rolls with the remaining bit of butter, and finished the V8 juice… for meals. – A last moment invite to dine on fish (and wine) for dinner, which I respectfully declined (of course) claiming I’d just eaten. – The temperature rose to almost 35°F… and yet, even now, the snows are falling yet again. – A few episodes of Red Dwarf… several of QI and now it’s time to get to sleep. – Anxieties about the days to come. Even tomorrow when I’d planned to take the Nanuk to the laundry anyway. I’ll either be dead or in an asylum before long at this rate. – No words from Viv though. But today is “Dinner Chez George and Anna” anyway. – In other news… there is nothing… nothing at all. – Imagine, ladies and gentlemen, waking each morning to greet a new day, looking forward to the hour when it’s time to go to sleep… and there, for that moment, you will have lived a common day in Northern New England. – The philosophies of this day:
Ask an ye shall receive. Force and ye shall be resisted.
We bring children into this world only to abandon them so that they may toil to provide for a better life for those who don’t give so much as a shit about them as individual human beings. They, in turn, do likewise.
Thus passes this day.

Mon.9.Mar: 11.37 I woke at 6.30 this morning… to SNOW! Decided that there’s nothing that I have to hurry to today so wasted time on the soc.med. Well! Here we are, almost noon already (although in fact it’s only almost 11.00 but we nee to move on from that mentality) and I’ve gotten NOTHING accomplished. OK… stim, at last, and P. but it truly wasn’t all that great. – And that’s the story for today. Thus far. – 12.24 Just finished catching up with Saturday, the snow has stopped, the sky is clearing, the dishwasher is running and I need to quickly shower, get the Nanuk and hope the car will run along to the laundry! INEED to get SOMETHING done with this day… (and something to eat as well, I would think). – 20.16 In bed… after an afternoon in Enosburgh. I got the Nanuk washed! 2,75 to wash, 1,50 to dry. Done. And now it smells of Mr. Clean. But that’s better than smelling like an ash-tray, indeed. I should have taken the time to do it before… especially since the temperature today reached 37°F… on the PLUS side! WOOHOO! But I have to say, it was HOT! The sun shone and it was HOT! Made me rather panic, thinking that if THIS is HOT to me now, any hotter and I’ll be out of commission… soon. But, I got the jacket washed and I’m happy about that. Stopped at the PO in Enosburgh to post the 5$ refund and spoke briefly with Nicole. She advised me to go to the Union with this situation. And later, when I told Rachel that Nicole knows about it, she was rather shocked. But… After the jacket, a stop in Hannaford’s. I was SO HUNGRY! But… nothing more than cold cuts turkey, some rolls, turnovers and creamer. No more hot meals for a while. Sad. Then to fill the gas tank at 15$. I thought about washing the car but then I thought it might be better to let it dry out a bit. MOST of the ice is gone from the wheel-wells. There’s one chunk holding on. This has been quite the Winter, indeed. COLD! Bitter cold. – At the PO, Rachel was working. Mrs. Lotowitz’ daughter came in and gave me a hug! Richardson came in. Rachel told him about my situation and when I said “You’ve not seen the last of me.” he replied “COOL!” It’s good knowing that some people actually know and appreciate that I do my best for them. – Magalie came in…. I’d double charged for one of her parcels! I was SO embarrassed and she kept reassuring me that it was an honest error and that she wasn’t at all upset. Whew! Anyway… Rachel too suggested that I contact the Union. So, I do believe I shall. Nicole said that since she did, Stacie has been exceptionally nice to her… although they’re sending her all the way to Colchester for hours. But she says the Union helped her a lot. Indeed, I’ll have to get my notes together and send them along. No harm in trying. – Meanwhile… got back to the house about 17.00, chatted nicey-nice. Bobo will be taking Jester to the vet tomorrow morning. Nothing more has been said about why I won’t. I’m rather thankful. – I had 3 rolls with the turkey and a tin of fruit cocktail for “meal” this evening… and it made me rather ill. Too much food some-how. I repaired the “Arbres Canada” tote and the sleeve of my black hooded sweat-shirt, just had a smoke and am having a tonic before putting the lights out. I’m rather exhausted tonight and hoping I’ll just fall asleep! – A quick check on Viv, maybe once round the fesses-book and that’s it! I need to get some sleep… (It’s depression… I know it is. I can’t keep thoughts very long, feel dissociated from everything. Depression. Must get to work at getting back to work… QUICKLY!) -24.28 Another TOO LATE chat with Viv on the Skype and I was ready for bed! Honestly! – Oh well.. hopefully I’ll stick to my 6 hours of necessary sleep and wake not later than 7.00. – Had a blast on the fesses-book though. Staunch, tight-arse conservatives can be such FUN! – I wonder if I dare have a smoke… nah… I’m thirsty. Something to drink and to sleep.

Tue.10.Mar: 8.08 A double-digit day. I don’t like these. But the sun is shining in through the window… how odd, that. And the barn thermo is up at about 20° already. Now THAT’S odd. Not minus 20… the plus. At this hour of the morning. – Me? I’m in a depression. The world is just some-how “wrong”. And I’m worried about how much this trip to the mechanic is going to run. The one “good” thing is that there’s another cheque coming on Friday. I can only hope… that’s all I can do at this juncture. – Oh… last night, Viv asked if I wanted to go HOME for Easter Sunday. Says she can fetch me on that Thursday (they have “Good Friday” off) and return me the following Thursday. It would be lovely to be HOME for a week again. I’m a bit on the un-decided, not knowing about work, income and such. And being there for all that time.. with-out funds and a car. Not that that’s not “normal” for me of late. Ah.. but that’s another month or so. No rush. Of course, I said “yes” though. (Ham for dinner, no doubt.) – Well… Jester and the Mexishit are gone this morning. THAT danger was averted. I still say: It wasn’t a good idea for me to bring them. I truly don’t like the idea of being with that thing alone… especially in a car that’s not running along perfectly. Too many things to be turned against me…. and that’s what it’s been like since the day I arrived here in Vermont. No sense making it worse. – 12.57 I got the car in by 10.00 this morning… and by 10.30 or so, I was “cleared”. Mike says there’s a bit of “give” in the tie-rods, but that there’s nothing “bad” about that. The “drifting” is in the rear wheels. Seems they “grab” from time-to-time and that’s what pulls. But other-wise the breaks have to be done, the struts should be replaced, and Kevin said the timing belt needs replacement, and an alignment should be done. But Mike says the car’s “good for a Vermont car”. AND… NO CHARGE! I was worried as all Hell about that this morning! – The bad news? As I waited for Mike to bring the car back out of the garage, CRAMPS! HORRID CRAMPS! Luckily, I found the loo! JUST IN TIME! WATER! RUNS! WATER! WOAH! I was going to head HOME for some shopping, thought I might drop by Canadian Tire and such, but as I left, I headed right back to the house! – It’s been DOGS barking since I got in. HLS has PT and VNS today so there’s been traffic and dogs barking! Jester came back with Bobo at about 8.20 and then went back out in one of his “Car Services”. The little Mexishit is under the knife today. Poor little thing. People are shit! Really! Hysterectomy with NO choice in the matter. People should be “fixed” like that! No choice. – It’s horridly warm out there already this morning. But thankfully, the snows are melting. I was pondering a car-wash, but with all the melting snow, it makes no sense. And tomorrow is snow and rain. Hopefully the rain will take care of the car… and the warmth will get rid of any residual ice. – I have to get to my e-mails from all the qunts at the PO. I want to summarise them so that I can send a “Summary” to the Union…. and to EEOC and what-ever other agency I can send them to. Maybe even post them some-where very public. I WANT MY JOB BACK! PERIOD! – 15.54 I napped… fro 11-12.00. Put my head down on the pillow and drifted straight away. Interrupted, of course, by barking. But just BAMMED into sleep. What-ever it is that’s kicking my gut is exhausting me at the same time! – Well… the complaint has been sent via e-mail, to the Union. It took me most of this afternoon to compile a “summary” of 26 e-mails! And there really IS incriminating stuff in them. Now, let’s see where this goes. – Meanwhile, the snow is melting out there like crazy. And it’s really warm… except for the breezes. But that’s to be expected. They’re blowing over snow and ice. But, at least the roads aren’t only clear… they’re DRY! – I have 5 tea-lights in the pot-heater though. There’s a chill in the room. – HLS and Jester are in the parlour… HLS is snoozing (how amazing is that? Not.) – I’m actually ready for a nap. I was going to go some-where for something to eat this evening. I’ve rolls and fruits. But maybe that’s what I should stick with, considering my trots this morning. – Hopefully Madame Carrier could make it to the mail box today. I parked in Bobo’s place… and I’m not going to move the car. I’m too tired. – It’s been quite an effort, going through all this paper-work today. I have head-ache now, in addition to a crampy sort of stomach. – And it stuffy in this room. Stuffy. And I don’t like being in here… anywhere in here. But that’s “normal” now. – Hopefully there will be a speedy re-instatement and back to work… where I wanted to be in the first place. If asked what I want, that’s what I’m going to say. Much more to be done in preparation for escalation on that though… And I’m ready. – I keep thinking: too bad Viv’s going back to work tomorrow. WIth the “OK” from Mike, I’d take the trip up for a couple of days. JUST to get out of here! – 21.12 I was so ready to simply come back up from a smoke and get into bed and try for sleep when I got the e-mail from the Union… with an attachment: a letter from APRIL 2014 stating the PSE’s CANNOT DECLINE CONVERSION! The Union wants to reinstate me as a PTF and I’ve made it abundantly clear that I do NOT want that, I WANT the job I applied for, interviewed for, was given and then FORCED to resign from! Time to get this together for a presentation to EEOC and prepare to take it to the courts, legal and of public opinion. Now I’m pissed! Not only because of not having the job, the income, but because of the lack of sleep I’ll get now. NOW I want a drink! FUCK! –

Wed.11.Mar: 9.14 I didn’t get to sleep until about 2.00 this morning! NOT good at all! And now, I feel like utter shit! Don’t know why. I just do! – Yesterday, I have to note, I went through 15 tea-lights in the pot-heater, and managed to maintain this room at 22°! Yes, it was 12 hours of heating, but that’s not bad. Granted, it was warm out-side as well. But I’m impressed. No electric all day. – That said… It’ dreary out there this morning. Wet. No snow… just wet. And I have a large bag of garbage that should be out at the curb… but I just don’t want to be bothered. – I wonder what (if anything) will come of my having gone to the Union about the job. He wants to re-instate me as a PTF… I made it clear that I do NOT want to be that. Ah… but then there’s the letter from almost a year ago stating that they don’t revert. Then again, I mentioned that the C. did say that the job was offered to somebody else… before I resigned so… We shall see. That’s all we can say on the matter. We shall see. – 17.17 Showered. Dressed in clothes. I showered at about 15.00 and was ready to get out of this house but…. no sooner had I gotten dressed, I lost interest in everything… EVERYTHING… laid down and… went right back to sleep… until almost 16.00, at which time, I had NO interest in going any-where or doing anything. I mean, shit, I’d even looked the distance and time to Cowansville and… nope… So, I’ve spent an entire day of sun-shine, and relatively warm in this room. And now? The day is done. – I had my Ramen with some mustard… a roll… a tin of peaches and am now having an Earl Grey. And I want to go back to sleep. And my bowels want to explode. And there we have it. – I’m going to try to make a “play-list” for the car on the iPod. See how far that gets… how long that keeps my eyes from closing… again. – It’s Depression. Nothing more… nothing less. Depression. – Oh… and when I went down for a smoke, I get the oddest looks from HLS and ignored for the most part, by Jester. Probably ticked because I wouldn’t drive Ms. Jester on Tuesday. I’m just waiting… the moment of “You have to go.” is lurking… especially now that the warm weather is coming. Oh well… it was 11 April when I HAD to leave Richford. Let’s see what date it is this time. – 22.14 For the life of me, I can’t figure out why, all damned day long, all I want to do is sleep, and yet, as soon as the sun sets, I’m ready to rock and roll. (Aside from the Depression.) And here I am, again, awake. Just up from what WILL be the last smoke of the day. This is shit, plain and simple. – Well, I don’t know what I managed to note today but… I took the plastic tub off the plants. The orange tree was getting a mold on it. I clipped it a bit an put Listerene on the part. I hope it works. I’ll leave the lid off for a while. It did work though. It was quite “humid” in there. – Started to make a list of the music I’d like to put into play-lists on the iPod. There’s more I need to go through… perhaps in the morning since I’m hoping to be awake and active before anything is open… including the border. Maybe I’ll just go up for a little food shopping, if nothing else. – I DID manage to get to my entire eOPF this evening and yes, the resignation is in. I have a copy of the entire file now… all the way back to Pine Bush! Where in Hell did all those years go? And I see from the file that I’ll be getting paid for my accrued time off as well. This should be a nice cheque… if the Fed doesn’t screw me from Hell to breakfast on it. – No word from the Union though. The plan for that? To contact the EEO and get the papers. I have until 19 April to file with them. May as well get the papers. I see that there are no positions open in the area. Closest one in VT is all the way the hell down by Eden and i can’t apply for that one because the closest route is 51 miles… missed it by one mile. But then again, I don’t want to commute 100 miles every day to work… especially if I’m going to get only 4 hours each day. Well… time will tell. – There was a quick note from Viv on the Skype from about 20.00 this evening. “Headache’. I wish I knew more about the situation she’s in of late. It’s true though: I have no patience nor compassion for “depressed” people who have therapists and medications to help them along. I have no patience nor compassion for people who have access to anything medical. Indeed, I choose not to seek those escapes, even if I could afford them (and I probably could, I don’t even know for certain). But I seem to be surrounded by whiners and the entitled. – Oh, that reminds me: Last night the phone rang… NWM on the line. From my understanding of the very brief reference that was made to the call, they’re running tests for “Syphilis and Gonorrhoea” on Bobo! GEE! Now I wonder how THAT became necessary. Hmmm… HLS didn’t seem to be all too concerned. Not my monkeys, not my circus, but it sure as shit makes my “single” status that much more pleasant… AND the fact that I’ve never “participated” in any of their little “stunts”, as it were… for lack of a more civil term. CA CE PEUT TU? Even in “marriage” they pull shit. Oh well… again… not my monkeys, not my circus. – It’s going for 22.30 already and here I am, still typing away, thinking of things… “things” I can do before getting to sleep. Tomorrow morning I’ll FORCE, if need be, myself up and awake and on with the day. Plans? Well, for one, I’d like to see if the library has the equipment to scan all those e-mails so I can send them, via e-mail, to the Union, if called-for. The library opens at 9.00. In the afternoon, I’ll take the risk of seeing if my “pay advice” arrived at the box. But that’s not until about 13.00. So there’s time in between. IF the weather permits and the car is in the mood, maybe a trollop up HOME… Bedford or Sutton or Cowansville. I see form the maps this evening that Bedford is QUITE closer than St-Allfux, Cowansville is a bit farther. But… maybe I can get what I’d get in St-Allfux at the Walmarde in Cowansville and not have to pay the conversion. We shall see about it when the time comes along. If not… maybe I’ll just take some of the cash-in-the-stash and go treat me to KFC or, if I can figure where, some BEEF! It might even be worth the investment to toddle to The Crossing in Richford and REALLY treat me to a “MEAL”! OR… perhaps a poutine! Subway in Sutton? (Oh! THERE’S A JEAN-COUTU IN COWANSVILLE! HEY! HEY! HEY!) – Well, on that note, it’s time to put all the USPS files into the directory here on this lap-top. I’ll have to make a serious back-up on a flash drive too… in the morning. – Tummy wants “FOOD” now and there’s none in here to be had. (And yet… TWO fridges FULL and TWO freezes FULL! I NEED a fridge… and stove! Truly! I could look at rentals on-line… or… I could get my sorry arse under the blankets and to sleep! The tea-lights in the pot-heater are going out. Time for me to do like-wise.)

Thu.12.Mar: 8.14 I laid in the bed, in the dark through the night last night. The brain would NOT shut down! At 1.30 this morning… BARK BARK BARK!!! THE BLOODYFUCKING DOGS! And BOBO, out there, in the hall, strolling! WHAT? Then comes the chittie-chat at Jester’s door to take the dogs out… at 1.30 this morning! NO fucking consideration for anybody but “SELF” in this shit-hole! THEN… the tap-scratch-rumble and slurp-slurp against and out-side the room door! The fucking DOGS are in the hall, against the door, scratching and licking!!! I opened the door, saying nothing and then closed it again… and not quietly. So when I finally DID drift off to sleep, some time after 2.00 this morning, I was angry. – Faggots. The lot. – The alarm sounded at 6.00 and I just could NOT wake up. But at about 7.30 I finally did. Got up, had coffee and headed down for a smoke… I open the door and there stands Jester, clutching the little Mexishit, ready to head down the stairs as well! 7.30 in the fucking morning? And in the parlour, the TV is running. They’re ALL up! WHAT? I wonder what’s going on today. Everybody off to the clinic to have their nasty little “fukcinfections” treated? – So I went down, had my smoke. Jester brought the dogs out. And when I’d done, I came directly back up to the room and HAD to have a bit of a lie-down before getting to this here. It seems to have done some good. But I still feel as if I’d had a truck parked on me during the night… just so fatigued that I feel “compressed”. How charming… “Depressed” and now “Compressed” as well. – Hopefully the local library will have the means to (affordably) scan the e-mails this morning. – It’s a bit on the chilly side out there today. The barn thermo is reading PLUS 20°F, there’s wind blowing and apparently there were flocons last night. Nothing much, but enough to let it be known that they happened. The windows were a touch frosted, but the sun’s some through and the windows are clearing. I want to find something to lightly cover the bottom half of these windows…. privacy. It should have been done right away but… Oh well… – Oh yes… AND THE ROOM IS BUZZING WITH FLIES AGAIN! Makes me sick! – And the WIND is beating against the house. What a lovely sort of sunny, blust’ry day this is. “Lovely”. – (I need to get this on-line today… page 7 typed already. What a shame that I lost all the other bits of the Journals I’ve kept over the years. But going through the From50’s I see the years… and I remember biking into Pine Bush, in the dark, in the rain, down the 52… for 6.00$/hr. Ah… but nobody gives a shit about that… didn’t then… don’t now… Fuck this world… Really… just fuck it all!) – 9.38 Just finishing the catch-up with the events of Friday past. An “attack” to the loo this morning again. Cramps and trots. HOW delightful. But the sun’s up…the winds are slamming against the house. But the sun’s shining. The windows cleared. Hopefully… it will be.. what-ever I want it to be. – The house phone rang at exactly 9.00 this morning and there’s all sorts of activity out in the hall. I wonder… I don’t give a shit. FUCK THIS SHIT AND THEM! (What a delightful way to begin a day.) – Posting to the on-line Journal now… – 13.16 Got the e-mail trail scanned. Too bad it created 2 files out of all the pages and did it up-side down. And I “donated” 2×5’s to the library. But WOW! All done in under and hour! Now… I’m tired and I have to think of what I want to do from here… PO for pay advice! – 22.39 Well then.. tonight I MUST get some sleep because tomorrow I MUST get up and check the fucking CU on-line because again this week no fucking pay advice. OK. – BUT.. before leaving the hole today I TRIMMED MY BEARD AT LAST! Looking quite a bit better (in spite of the COLD that’s returned). And… today I went to the PO to see and chat with Dianna who is covering Sheldon quite often these days, so she tells me. And I told her what happened with me because it seems to be quite the little “secret”. No wonder, that. – Left there and FINALLY got rid of the vodka bottles… for a whole 75cents but hey, no more bottles! Hopped over to Hannaford’s for franks, rolls, grape juice, yoghurt (my stomach is killing me with the cramping and runs!) On the way back, stopped for an 11$ car wash just to keep the dust and salt and shit off if it (it was filthy again by the time I got back to Fuklin but at least the dirt that was on it is gone). – When I got in, 4 franks on 2 rolls, 2 containers of yoghurt for “meal” and a RUN to the loo! – The rest of this evening was in the room with EIGHT tea-lights in the pot-heater. It’s COLD again! (But now I have the little heater back on… just in case… AND for the “white noise” in the hopes it’ll help me sleep through the night tonight.) Accomplished nothing more with the day. – No word from the union although I’ve opened a dialogue on the soup forum… nothing “me”, but I’m pissed as all shit over this now and hearing nothing from the union isn’t making it better. – OH! Tonight the fucking phone goes out again. Tomorrow… another 50$ pulled out of what I get… and what I get should be interesting since they have to pay me my accrued time along with the rest. We shall see… I’ve no doubt that too will be delayed. AND then I get to go to the labour board. – Well.. that all said… the house is quiet. HLS is in the parlour. I’ve been down for my last smoke of the day. have had 2 peppermint teas and the last tea-light is now on it’s way off. Time to wrap this day up and set sights for tomorrow… Fuck me. – Good night.

Fri.13.Mar:
HOME CIBC
9.01 I was awake at about 3.09 this morning, from a disturbing dream, not frightening so much as just disturbing. I woke, turned the light on over the bed, took notes and dozed back to sleep with the light on. Woke for the morning round about 6.00 and have been checking soc.med and reviewing the PDF notes from since. But, to log the DREAM:
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The line I remember dinstinctly: “Jeremy will rise, twist his neck and turn his head, see that one egg, one of his children is missing and it will begin.”
I was with Schmulik in a HUGE, old stone castle of sorts which he owned as his home.. The walls, floors, ceilings were all old, grey stone, large-hewn stone. The furnishings were contemporary, even to carpeting on the floor in the first room, which was more like a “main hall” or even “living-room”, with chairs and sofas and the likes. For some reason, I motioned to him that we needed to “talk” about something, some kind of trouble between us that I wanted to settle. The house was full of people, stoned, smiling, smiling, smiling… just smiling. – (I can, clinically, understand the beginning of this dream as a need to pee and therefore, it was sexual in content, as happens when I have to pee and I’m asleep, but that’s on the surface of my observations here.) I don’t know exactly why we were in the building, but he was most familiar with it and I was new to it all. We were walking along the halls when we came to the “main room”. Sister was there, at the entry-way. She said nothing, just smiled rather politely at me and walked away. I was suspicious as to why she was being “polite” since we weren’t on speaking terms. When we (Schmulik and I) got to the entry-way of the “main hall”, I glanced inside and saw John and Joe, on a sofa, raucously engaged in “69”. John looked up at me for a brief moment and then went right back to what they were doing. I wasn’t shocked, per se, and was really rather more interested in joining them. I looked at Schmulik and he simply smiled and quietly said “You didn’t know? You had no idea?” (it was apparent that Sister knew about it all along and simply let it be… the 3 of them were actually living there, in this stone “house”) and then started to walk away. So it seemed, the entire house was an orgy, all the time. That’s what he’d created there. – There was a reason why I followed him, leaving that room behind. We were supposed to be there for a particular reason and there was no time for anything else. – We went from floor to floor via a large, circular stone stair-way. Each floor was it’s own room of sorts, and there was no furniture in any of these just stones, rough-hewn, large. But there were smaller stones that were actually eggs of some kind of large dragon-like “creature”. I knew this, some-how, in the dream. We were making sure that each egg was on the particular floor where it was supposed to be and in the very spot where it was supposed to be. Schmulik knew the locations and we were checking to make sure they were all accounted for. – On one floor, there was a woman, “dressed”, as it were, in torn bits of sheer fabric. She was barely conscious, stoned, drunk, a mess. The house was full of people like this, all over, floor to floor as we travelled. Schmulik made no note of them. It was “common” to him. This is why they came here (I understood in the dream). They were all drawn out, wet, sweaty, stoned, barely conscious, laying on the stone floors. – Through a “window” I could see that it was getting much darker out-side and as we were leaving the room where this woman was, I sensed an urgency… something was terribly wrong. One of the eggs was missing! (I don’t know how I knew this, but I was very much aware of it.) – Very calmly, Schmulik said, as we walk down another stone stair-way “We have to go… NOW… QUICKLY. It’s time. We have to get out of here… now.” and he quickened his pace. – “You KNEW! You knew all along! You did it!” I said to him… not so much yelling, but just as a matter of course. “You’ve started the ‘Living Hell’!” He knew, but I didn’t know exactly how he knew. I suspected that he’d put ONE egg in a place where it didn’t belong and it either got destroyed or he destroyed it. More than likely, he’d put it where one of the wasted people destroyed it in their stupour. But in any case, he’d done it purposely. – We left everybody else behind and continued down the stairs and to a small, brilliantly clean red car of some strange sort of make. As we drove along, the pitch dark sky took on a rather reddish glow form the distance… from the house. I knew, some-how, that the “Beast” that was in there, had discovered the destroyed egg and was un-leashing an anger the likes of which Creation had never known. The fire was the nothing, compared to the actuality of the situation. (I knew all that was happening some-how, as if I’d been told or read about it.) – We got to a little village of sorts, to a fork in the road. Straight ahead the road narrowed between the village buildings, we had to bear to the left. A little, roundish, red vehicle with a black roof came careening toward us as Schmulik made the turn. The driver simply smiled, as if laughing at us. He was headed TOWARD the place where the house was… we were tyring to get away. – Immediately after making the turn, there was wooden furniture stacked in the road. Somebody was either moving into or out of a house and had literally piled furniture in the road! There was just enough space for us to drive round the pile after slowing down to almost a stop. – As we drove toward the pile, Schmulik hadn’t said a word to me all the while, I said to him: “You KNEW! All along, you knew! HOW? You KNEW this was going to happen!” – Suddenly, the sky got SO MUCH DARKER, the “glow” from the fire in the distance almost “concentrated”, became “thick” and Schmulik said, in a very soft, very calm, very matter-of-fact tone:
“’Jeremy will rise, twist his neck and turn his head, see that one egg, one of his children is missing and it will begin.’ It was written. We all knew.”
I thought, as I simply surrendered to the situation, knowing full-well that there was absolutely nothing that could be done to stop or change any of this; yes, I knew, it WAS written… THIS, right now, is the time. There is no “Hell” that we were all “going to”. This was the very moment when ALL of “Creation”, the known and the un-known span of it “ALL” becomes “Hell”. We’re not going to die and go to it, we’re not going to die in it or from it or because of it… This is the beginning of the actual “Eternal Hell”… HE brought it on and took me along with him as he did it. – And then I wondered: There’s no escaping this… where’s he driving to?
I woke… just woke… drifted out of sleep quietly… I woke…
As I say, I put the light on, jotted some notes about this dream and, with the light on, I dozed back to sleep. BUT… BUT… as I dozed off, I still remember, very well, the thought that I had before falling back to sleep:
“I WILL STAY WHERE I AM AND FINALLY BE KILLED BY SOMETHING I DIDN’T DO… SOMETHING I WILL BE BLAMED FOR BUT DIDN’T DO.”
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10.06 Finished logging the dream. – The deposit today was A LOT LESS than I’d even imagined! There must be a total SHIT-LOAD of taxes pulled from it! But I’ve done the calculations and such and need to take a 20-minute lie-down and then… OFF TO THE ROAD! It’s odd… having no time constraints this morning. – And I wonder what that dream was all about…. – Oh… and today is “Friday, the 13th”. Hmmm…. – 21.14 IN BED! AT LAST! And rather proud of me… I got a late start today… like round about almost 13.00 before I was actually on the road. Headed out and off to St-Alfux to pull the measly 700 and change from the account. I’d like to know HOW the fuk THAT little came about, but.. Then spun over to the ATT to pay the fuckkigfone for another month. It was a decision to be made whether to go to the PO or straight to CIBC… I went t the PO where AGAIN, there was no pay advice! As I told Diana, they’re probably too ashamed to show me how much got stripped from the money they SHOULD have paid me! I’m pissed. Officially. Anyway, I stayed to chat and to spill the story of what happened to me to Diana and to Cindy Breault who is a PSE working in Milton and looking forward to converting to PTF. I told her about MY story and threw in the Age and Gender Discrimination and mentioned that I’m getting a lawyer to fight this to the highest level. (I hope that gets around..) I got the money order for this week’s 150 done and posted. Anyway, I left there at about 14.00 and whizzed up to the boarder via the 78, round the river and into E.Highgate. Nice ride. But I must say: The roads are a MESS!!! Frost heaves and ditches ALL over the place! There’s no a squeak in the wheels from the bumps and ruts and such. FUCK! These people can’t even lay proper roads! Here or in Quebec! Shit. – ANYWAY… getting HOME was a delight… zip zip. I got to the banque and got the nicest teller. The one who’s usually occupied when I get there. Ever so sweet… and speaks English ever so sweetly. The exchange today? Not bad but not great. My 400 brought 497… OH! That 3$! But it brought me well enough over the 1k mark so I did my shopping and still am over the mark by a bit more… AND the 350 for the next rent payment is there as well. And it will remain there! – Metro… 2 yoghurts (one eaten), a brick of cheese, MaeWests, AuCaramel and… TWO BAGS OF COFFEE CRISPS AT 4,99 EACH FOR HLS! (Just noting that here.) and 2 50’s. Not much, but then, I can’t cook anything any more. (I should start but I don’t think there’s a micro in that room any more and if there is, I don’t know that it would work… or that it would be appreciated if I suddenly start using it. Oh well… No sense in changing routine… and being told… yet again… that I “owe” anything.) So… to the dép for a carton! which I took apart in the car, scattering packs about my bags. And then a drive all via the Dutch to the border where again… zip zip. I was back at the house by abut 16.30! Ca ce peut tu? Once upon a time that would have taken the entire day! Had I not left by 8.00, I’d still be on the road! AND… although for quite a bit, when possible, I rolled at 80km/h I didn’t rush. HOW delightful to be able to put an entire day into about 3 hours! HOW delightful! – When I got back, I gave HLS the Coffee Crisps and Bobo was on the phone with. Again the “We’ll have to give you money to get more.” line. You know what? Get your fat arse up and get your own! Get out of this house! Get out of this fucking town! And stop whining. But… that’s the way it is. – Bobo came in, the 3 of them discussed dinner… deciding on toast and peanut-butter (2 fridges and 2 freezers full of food… and Jester was going to get HLS a sandwich from next door! “But we don’t have money.) – I came up to a REALLY COLD room! About 17°. I put the heater on… (but it’s taken until now to get up to 20!) I put 4 franks into the mug to warm, had them with the 2 rolls, added V8 to the water and had a bit extra. Beef, read and veggies. And then hit the pastries… Nutella. Not bad… Not great. Not a lot of filling and what was in there was rather dry. But at 4/4,99 or so… not bad at all. Then, had a yoghurt as well… more-so for my tummy than much else. All told… too much. My gut wanted to burst. – Must’ve been round about 20.00 when I check to find VIV on the Skype. She passed the day with Anna today. Looks like she’s STILL not getting back to work. The chatting was rather broken since I was so tired. I was ready for bed already.. ready to go to bed. But we chatted a bit. I mentioned going to Cowansville tomorrow. She didn’t say much along the line of wanting to go. I mentioned that I thought it was her Bingo day… she said that it isn’t. I don’t really know if she wanted to go to Cowansville tomorrow… I’ll drop a line via Skype before turning out the light. – And so… that’s the day. Friday, the 13th. The car made it “there” and “back” and thus far, all went well… – (I wonder about “Jeremy” now though.) – 21.37 and the house is calm. All are in their perspective beds. HLS had a “hit” before… I could smell the stench on the back porch when I went for my last smoke. Jester showered for some reason… hopefully not for some trist this evening to wake the house up at 1.30 again! But I have the heater going… white noise… hopefully. – Time to have the tea and hope for a complete night’s sleep. – Will drop a line to Viv and then… this day is shut, wrapped and sealed. – 22.57 and… they’re all up and toddling and banging about the house. I’m going for another and last smoke… fuktards.

Sat.14.Mar:
HOME VIV BEDFORD COWANSVILLE CANADIAN TIRE WALMARDE ST HUBERT TOUR
8.51 I woke with the buzz of the 6.30 alarm and dozed back off to deep sleep until almost 8.30! NOT the way I’d hoped for this morning, but then… no prob. Nothing that MUST be done (sadly). Woke out of a snap “dreamlette”: 3rd person, this one… I came into the Shelter, into a small room, painted faded and old pale beige. There was a desk, with the sign-in sheet on it. The staff were in another room, having some kind of chat. Off to the side was another small room and there were about 10-15 guys, behind a dutch-door sort of set-up, waiting to sign-in. I looked at them, and, since I was already at the desk, asked “Should I just sign and go? Or wait with you?” Nobody really answered. Rey was at the head of the waiting queue and he gave a look as if to say “I don’t know..” and then said “I guess… if you want to.” Nobody else said anything. So I decided to join the queue and as I went to hop over the door, I woke. After all… they had to wait. I thought I should do the same.
I heard (8.54) Bobo ask Jester “Do you wanna shower before we leave?”I wonder… I don’t care… But I wonder. – It’s over-cast this morning. Not quite 20°F. The forecast is for rain or snow but… It took a while to get connected to the internet this morning. When I did, I sent a note to Viv.. to ring the phone if she wanted to get together. I don’t know that the car will make a trip, but there are things I’d like to get today… and today I truly must go to Cowansville to shop…. ALL the money is with the card. NOT that that’s any trouble, since Cowansville is about the same distance as St-Allfux. – Anyway… I’m getting a later start than I’m comfortable with. The rest of the house has the loo… for making wiz da pritties. So I’m pretty much stuck for the time. I shall use it (the time) for compiling road music, I should think. – Saturday… a week… and no word about getting my job back. I’m annoyed. Happy morning. Fukkit. – (On Sunday night) WELL! THIS TURNED INTO QUITE THE DAY!!!! Pretty much lolled about the house most of the morning… kept the Skype running and suddenly, at 12.43 (I’m reading from the Skype as I go along here) the “waving” thing comes up. VIV! We chatted back and forth a bit and I told her that I’d tried ringing her (at the number I had and thought was the flat but turns out to be the office! Oh my!) Well, at 12.52 she decided that she’d drive into Bedford, meet me there and we’d go to Canadian Tire together! ZOOM! Showers and dressings and all the lot… ZOOM! – At 13.40 she logged off and I got me together. We were to meet at 15.00… I had much time to do so but left the house early enough to be at the parking lot by 14.32!!! She arrived just before 15.00 and I got into the car and we were off. (Oh… douanes was a usual snap… Fontaine… luv the guy.) – To Canadian Tire where I got a can of dark blue paint and some little “trees”… leaves, actually, to freshen the air… to get rid of that horrid thing I’d gotten before! She got a couple of small items as well. But we didn’t really “shop” at all. Then, to Walmarde where again, not much shopping but I got a second can of clear, anti-rust paint for the car and… KINDER SURPRISE EGS! 4 of them to the package. I wanted to simply because they’re banned from sale in the USA because of the little toys inside. American kids are too fucking stupid to keep shit out of their mouths and not swallow and American parents are too irresponsible to watch their kids to make sure they’re safe. Me? I import the stuff.. At the cashe, the woman put the two orders together. 45$ there. (Thankfully I’m still over the mark at the banque… It won’t last the month that way, but at least for now the account is “free”… I’ll try to keep it thus for as long as possible! which means, more shopping in Quebec and not on-line or here. – NEXE… ST HUBERT CHICKENERIE! A sit-down, hot meal! WOW! Viv gave the cash for that one before I had a chance to get my card out! Oh well… I don’t want her money and I don’t want her to have to spend, but I don’t have it all right now and it makes her feel better because she kept saying that she “owes” me because of the purchases at Walmarde. Oh well… I know how that feels. – When we left St Hubert, she decided to take a bit of a tour into Cowansville! We “went to town”! It’s really quite nice! 2 pharmacies, déps, shopping and such. Nice houses for the most part. Worth a bit of the trip directly sometime. Indeed. And we drove about and around for a while. – Well! It MUST have been at least 18.00 by the time we got back to Bedford (because Walmarde was closed when we left Cowansville… and it closes at 17.00). We had a little chat in the parking lot. I hoped that the car would survive the trip back after being thrashed on the roads up… HORRID! and we parted. – I took the Dutch to the Maurice and then Dalpé to St-Armand to the Dutch again… all to avoid Morses Line and the ditches! – Well… I pretty much covered the trip back and the rest of the night when I Skyped Viv this evening so, it doesn’t copy/paste well but rather than re-type, here’s the text I sent: 22.59 Hiya dere! Getting to this quite on the late. (yawn) I traveooled on the retour, spiffy zippy troo the costumes (Ms. Doe… HLS tells me her name is “Carol”… ca ce peut tu? Travel enuf crosst the broader… eh? Anyway, Ms. Doe recognised me… “You’re the guy who bikes across even in Winter!” says she. I didn’t even recognise HER! But… apparently, as we chatted, I am “KNOWN!” … kinda the “Broader Celeb”! (party)(clap) j’ (bow) ) SO… since it was only but a-drizzlin’, and I certainly was in NO rush to get back to the ferme… WALL DE MARDE! ST-ALLBEANS! (Where, in the civilised countries, they’re open until 23.00! J’ :P AND I got my plastic box! Hoohah! J’ (party) or something like dat.) THEN… I got gas (j’ (mooning) … no… NOT dat kinda gas… PITROOL! 20US papers FILLEDID the tanque from minus a half-tanque! WOOHAH! J’ \o/ And DEN, DEN I headed bacque to the ferme, alongue the lonesome roads and hi-there-ways in the darkness and the drizzelle, alone, in the silence and the whoop-die-whoops of the frosted heaves. Speaking of witch… When I Leffe (upper case on dat? WTF? Skype! |-( ) when I leftid Birkenfridsenshiretowne and village, I took the Dutch to the Maurice to the Édoin to the Daplé to the St-Armand bacque to the Dutch to the broader at Mooses Linge(rie). Not the mose direk route but it sure as doo-doo was SMOODER! Then to the Gore chemin into Highgate where I missed the turn and ended up going the way YOU go into Swantoon and to the 89! Yes! Indeedie! The Subaru took the Interstate… at 95km/herrrrre! J’ (cool) VROOM! (J’ai VROOMÉ!?) NOT, mind you, that I will EVER do dat on porpoise again! BUT… no frosty heavings. So that was good.
And so. That all done, I must MUST MUST and SHALL go in search of that blam I told you about for the etractation of berlz. Wal-o-marde didn’t have, but I’m sher the elder pharmacuticalogicaleries have some. I shall procure and get it to you… tooting swittly. So dere!
NOW THEN… (dumbest expressionism in English… or at least one of the top 10… Now… Then…?) I THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for the dinner!!!!!!!!! I can never tell you how nice it is to sit and actually TASTE the food, to ENJOY eating something, and like a civil human being! NOT in a room, sitting at a desk (which is the case either both at work or here in the ferme). THANK YOU! For all it’s Worth, I don’t know if you know or will ever know how much it means to me. Thank you.
Andy way… I must to get me to rest now. I was dexaustid when I got in at round about 20.30 or 20.45. Heard of the adventures of Priscillas of Burlington (which is where they all went today… probably to get weed for HLS… and to Olive Garden for dinner… they dine well when on these road trips… the bovine bitches) but I digress…
I HAD A KINDER! Must to send you a photo of the toy! I am tickled!!!!! TICKLED!!!!! J’ (rofl) and even (rain) in my pantaloonies! My first ever Kinder and HOOHOOHOOHOO!
So on this (music) , I am off to |-) . I shall indeedie be bacque on here tomorrow when I am awake to so do and shall hopefully see you at then. But for now and the meanwhile and always…. in the blust’ry of the howling winds out-side my winders, I send for you only….

Addendum on Sunday: The Kinder was a MOOSE! CA CE PEUT TU? My first Kinder and it’s a MOOSE! I was SO tickled! – And so, that was the day… I had a vodka with grape juice (haven’t had that since NY!) and then a “V9” before finally passing under the covers and to sleep… WELL after mid-night. – Quite the day: lavage, Hoovered, trip, VIV, driving in the rain in the dark. And a full tank in the Subaru too! 20$ filled it from just under half! WOOHOO! – And thus ends the 14th March. So there!

Sun.15.Mar: “Vermonsters”… thanks Matthew! – 21.50 29 years ago today…. 29 years ago. Imagine? I can still recall the attorney’s office. Going over to Allerton for the first time in my life. It was strange territory in 1986. I was “home” many years later. And it was 29 years ago… today. – Beware, the ides of March. – I just got off the phone with Matthew! He sounds so much “older” today. He’s amazing. He actually rang off with “I love you Jud.” He’d gone out to the BakFort, tried to dig his way into the Spyder Hole! There’s still much attachment to the place. He has it. I have it. And probably for the same reasons. He’s gone through much Hell. He told of the 7 weeks of receiving no help after Sandy struck. He told of the rice and beans and franks… and stale bread that the Red Cross gave them… 7 weeks after the devastation. We spoke of Penelope. She’s still kicking these days. Can’t do the sculpting that she did, but she’s still out there, driving about and such. We talked… Kristen has a baby now. He’s teaching kindergarten! He’s still in Broad Channel. And he’s rather down… mostly on himself. He referenced the book. He’s so impressed by it. He appreciates it. He’s still “Matthew”, but Time has done to him what it does to most of us… not for the “better”. That’s terrible. But in a way, I suppose, it’s rather good. I told him: You made it through one of the most miserable and the hardest times anybody could experience. Be proud of that and always keep that memory alive… remember how you needed to fight, rely on your own strength, with no help… and remember that you did it then and you can always do it… no matter what. – He’s astonishing. He’s also fascinated with Canada. Seems to think he’d be better off up here. I wish I had a place to offer him, to come to, to stay, to try being here. But, the truth of the matter is: Vermont is actually a large Broad Channel. He’d be isolated here, just as he is there. At least there, he has access to The City. Here, he’d have access to… well… nothing. But I do wish I could give him the opportunity to come, experience this. Maybe one of these days… soon, I hope. – Other-wise, I DID manage to get the PDFs together today! Got them turned round and right-side up! I also managed to break them down to the basic 20 pages that have the major points. I also managed to get the 20 individual pages together as one file AND… I managed to send them to the Union! I’m concerned that it’s been a week with-out word. But I’m rather relieved that they can see the gist of what happened over the 4 months and the general fuck-ups of “management” and HR. The word is out now… Now we’ll have to see where it all goes and what the results are. I was reading on the Soup of somebody who was in a similar situation. It took the Union “months” to get that person re-instated… but.. with back pay! I hope THIS doesn’t take “months”. It makes me nervous, anxious, but I’ll do what I must… for me. That’s the bottom line. – This morning, I woke at about 5.00, on my own. I laid in bed, thinking about getting up and what I wanted to accomplish with the day, and as I thought, I drifted back to sleep… until almost 10.00! No trouble that. It snowed all day again so there really wasn’t anything I could “do” and no place that I could go to in this weather. – By early evening, the snow had stopped and already began melting. – Skyped a bit with Viv before she went to George and Anna’s for dinner. I mended a sock and went through the postal paper work as we chatted. There really wasn’t much to be said today. She was rather “off” some-where else. Always about the house and the other two. This move has proven to be quite the disappointment to her. Sad, that it should ruin a life-long friendship. But it is as it is. – I’ve had the pot-heater going with 5 tea-lights all day. We’re on the 3rd firing now. I refuse to use the heater. It’s up to about 21° right now… plenty warm enough. Hopefully it won’t get all that cold tonight. – I’m just up from a smoke. The three were in the parlour, watching TV. They’re just now coming up to bed. Ah well, after all, it is 22.11 already. – Well, there wasn’t much talking going on during the day. But that’s fine. – I worry: Chica is bringing up blood. Well.. there was nothing wrong with her to begin with. But again, they got that fucking certificate to have her spayed and they got it for free and HAD to grab it… like everything else… FREE. How shitfully God awful that that poor little creature has to suffer because of their selfishness. What a shitfully miserable bunch they truly are. Selfishness… nothing but greed… leeches. – Karma… and Time… and the return will be harsh… for inflicting suffering on that little Life. Yes, she’s a bit of a pain in the arse, but she does what her little instinct dictates. They’ve never taken the time to give her any direction other-wise… and now they cause her pain and suffering. Unforgivable! – I’ve a bit of yesterday to log here, so before it gets too late… I’m off to that. – OH! I’ve finished the Kinders. (I didn’t have any “food” for a “meal” today… just the cheese and the Au Caramels and 2 PopTarts… I’ll probably be sorry tomorrow. But tomorrow I’ll have to see about getting “food”… here… on the FS. I have to mind my cash now… CAREFULLY!

Mon.16.Mar: 7.13 I woke, on my own, no alarm this morning, at about 7.03… according to the clock on the dresser. Why? I don’t know, really. There’s nothing to be done until the office opens… in Sheldon… at 12.30. But, I’m awake. And it’s 17° in the room. No heaters on last night. The barn term reads zero again this morning. The world is, once again, frozen. The sky is clear, of course. And there’s residual snow from yesterday. As Viv put it: it’s March… still Winter. – Well, let’s see what we can accomplish with THIS day. At least the documentation that I wanted to forward to the Union is sent. As for the rest? We can only wait and see… for now. – 24.11 Yes… it’s after mid-night… again! I was all but half-dead to the world earlier this evening, looking forward to being asleep by not later than 21.00 but… Skype with Viv… and I lost that until almost 21.30. (She’s not back to work again.) – But the day? Well… we did errands, and indeed we did. – I got to the 83PO at about 14.00 to find that Diana had a stack of mail that STILL wasn’t cased! My mail? Priority, and booklet on my “benefits, and the pay advice (that I still have to really look at but almost shat when I saw over 100$ taken in Fed tax! That’s gone! Fuckers! and the total deductions were in the vicinity of 300$!!! This is SHIT! I’m being systematically RAPED by this fucking government! Well… this “break” will put a halt to their free-riding me for a while.). In Viv’s box, a note with an application. Apparently Rachel is hitting the “protocol” and following the book. WHAT ever. Let her say something to me… and I’ll start on the “protocol” issues… HUGE TIME! bad enough the mail wasn’t done at 14.00 today. Go ahead… fuck with me… yours secrets become public notice. – Diana wasn’t at all talkative nor friendly today. Tough shit for her. I’d given her my number in case she needed help… but watch how quickly I’ll forget things. – From there… it was off to the rest of the day… into St-Allfux. Tractor supply: They didn’t have the dog deterrent. I browsed, got nothing, left. Next on the tour… Aubochons.The dog deterrent… 17$! OK. Nope. And it’s the stuff that has that chemical odour. I don’t want that, unless I have no choice (which is the way it’s beginning to look). A little trip into Ace in St-Allfux where I DID get 2 stoppers for the car door… black rubber. A tad on the large and too-large sizes but just over a buck for the both and one is in! No more white cork thing in the door! Nice. (The rust trouble needs addressing rather quickly though. It’s beginning to annoy and trouble me.) Up to JoAnns in search of the elusive felt curtain which today I realised wasn’t felt but rather flannel! Still, NOTHING the weight that I need. I’ll just have to ask Matthew and hope that he knows. Or… see if I can’t order it on-line? And pay dearly! No doubt. – From JoAnns, it was a stop-by at Hannaford’s for… FOOD! Franks for tonight and tomorrow, tins of fruits, salty crackers, un-sweetended instant tea and such. And… back into the car and back into Fuklin by about 17.00. – The house was empty… I’ve NO idea where they all went, but they ALL went in the Saab. God for them. They got back at about 18.00… when… Bobo comes into the room to ask if I’d take HLS to the DMV tomorrow! ME? You let ME walk in the snow and ice last year, didn’t bother to offer a lift to work or back in the pouring rain for 6 days…. have the fucking audacity to talk about me as a piece of shit to your co-workers and now you want FAVOURS? Oh HELL NO! I made an excuse that I have to be at the PO tomorrow for a “meeting” and to do some papers. You can take the Juke so you don’t have to use your gas.” You mean: So you can fill the tank. Fuck-off. Really! So I got out of that one OK. (Although, in order to keep the peace, I did tell HLS that if I can, we can put it on the agenda for next week.. or I’ll call whilst I’m out during the day tomorrow IF I can make it back to the house..) – Well… that was the evening. 4 franks for meal… with mayo, which is something I’ve been craving for a while now (I just hope the remainder doesn’t go bad over-night… I’ll have it again tomorrow.) A tin of pineapple chunks for after. Tea… only one this evening, and Skype with Viv. – Forecast for tomorrow is “snow”. I was actually thinking of trying to make it up to MTL! But not in snow. No thank you very much. So now I have to come up with a way to spend the day with-out spending money tomorrow… I hope I can figure this one out… So that I can be out and away until at least 16.00 or so. Sutton perhaps? Poutine? I don’t know. There’s really nothing that I need… although I just realised… I COULD BE HAVING GROUND COFFEE EVERY DAY… IN A PRESS! I HAVE THE KETTLE TO BOIL THE WATER! It’s just a matter of washing the press! How STUPID can I be!? HOME HARDWARE! Let’s see! We shall see! (Ikea would be less expensive… IF I can make it to MTL!) CA CE PEUT TU? REAL COFFEE! Hey! – This is why I’m awake so late! – Anyway… it’s 24.35 now and I’m tired. Hopefully enough to put out the lights and sleep. – The little heater is running to keep out the chill that will be permeating in no time. – It was a “productive” day… – OH. did I mention that I phoned for the EEO forms this morning? They’ll arrive with-in 5 days… I’ll have 10 days to submit them… we shall see.

Tue.17.Mar:
HOME- SUTTON – Frelighsburgh – Bedford
9.30 rainy drizzly cloudy and I slept until 8.30. Checked the route to MTL again… too much zipping and zooming thus far. But… Skype from Viv… she’s lunching on the Ouest today so… no rush this trip. I need to get my arse together… probably head to Sutton for a bit. Home Hardware… maybe a coffee press! I don’t know yet… anything I buy has to be packed anyway… I hate this… even more today! – (On Thursday morning) I got me out of here by just past 10.00 this morning. It was… RAINING! A delight to have RAIN instead of snow. I stopped at the Fuklin PO to find a note in the box stating that Viv (and JD Maroise) must bring in identification for the files else the only person who will receive mail at the box will be me (at this juncture). And that they have until the 30th to bring it, else the only person who will receive mail there will be me. Well? I’ll just let that box die. Knock some of the revenue out of that office, and I’ll keep the one at Sheldon… and keep the revenue there up. Fuck them. – Chatted with Lisa for another bit. I KNOW that what I say to her will be sent right off to the C. So I told her of the Union involvement and that I’ve started the EEO. SHE told me that, according to what SHE understands, the job went to the next applicant (but she doesn’t know who) and that Rachel is on her “break in service” this week. Well then, there’s too much that she knows, so she’s telling me that the situation is being discussed, freely. Good. Let the news spread that I don’t care who gets fired over this. – At about 11.15 I was out of there and on the road… to Richford, over the Lake rd. I was rather surprised at the fact that I’d walked and biked that route. It’s really quite long! And to think, I had the stamina… and actually did so. (And, alone… And that the others now have the audacity to ask ME to do THEM favours and drive THEM about! And all the while, not once was there an offer to drive ME anywhere. People… the make me sick.) – Stopped at Mayhew’s. Brenda wouldn’t be in until 15.00 and of course, by that time, it was already 12.30. I thought I’d be back after 15.00… and so, I headed up to SUTTON! – Crossing there this morning was rather gruff. Some skinny, rather curt fellow, asking direct questions, including “Do you go to Canada often?” “Constantly” was my reply. Slip the passport and “OK.” And… I was through the bar. – The drive was rather fascinating, to me, today. It seemed so LONG! And again, I thought, as I drove, how often I’d WALKED that road… that distance… alone… AND… in WINTER! 6 HOURS… just to get to the market… ALONE… and in WINTER! And today, I was driving it. Still, it seemed rather long, perhaps because of the rain. – Finally, as I pulled into Sutton… the rain very suddenly changed… not only to SNOW but ICE as well! And the wind picked up. WINTER was BACK! And there I was. But I didn’t so much mind, really. Sutton. I was in familiar surroundings and that was OK. – Directly to “Home”. Parked and went in to browse. But, AH HAH! A coffee press. Bodum! (Made in Portugal and obviously packaged, though not in a box, for American sale: the packaging is in English. But only about 24$CAD. which to me is… my currency now anyway. I picked it up and continued to browse. It was, after all, what I’d gone there for. That, and to spend time AWAY from the house! I browsed ALL the aisles, and all the while, listening to the “Star92” radio station (out of BTV) and the conversations in French. It was a delight to be “back”. I found a roll of “duct” tape that was much less costly there than in the Ace in VT. I grabbed that as well and continued to browse… ALL the aisles today. At the cashe… Enlgish. I was in Sutton after all. BUT… as I’d shopped, the SNOW came down even heavier! SNOW! Terrible! But there was nothing to be done about it and I was in Sutton and the world was fine. – Out of there, I headed t the IGA where I thought I’d return the empty 50’s but in the parking lot, I realised that I had much more time to spend… round the parking lot, onto the road and… off toward Bedford! In the SNOW! which was falling MUCH heavier by this time and the WINDS were picking up. But… I wasn’t walking. Ca ce peut tu? How interesting! How odd! How different! – And down the road I drove… slowly and safely. It wasn’t slippery, but it was quite snowy and WINDY! – Came the turn… to Frelighsburgh… I’d often wondered what that road is like… today I learnt, first-hand. It’s a “mountain” road, climbing up le Pinacle! Slowly and winding and through… nothing, really. And today, nothing but SLAMMING WINDS, drifting SNOW and ICE! But I simply took my time, roling at about 60km/h and being rather fascinated by it all. When I got to the end of this road, I was on… “ch. RICHFORD”! UP ON le Pinacle! I knew where I was! I’d been there… on the bike! So I headed toward “down the mountain” and into Frelighsburgh… When I got to the apple orchards, I was back, again, in familiar territory, but knew that the road was DOWN-hill from here and I wondered about the brakes in the car and such. They held wonderfully! – At the bottom of the mountain… a right turn and I truly WAS in familiar territory again! (I’d WALKED that road from Fuklin!) And so it went… in the blowing snow and slamming winds… into Frelighsburgh to the ch. St-Armand… and I knew exactly where I was heading now! – The ch. St-Armand too was quite the drive… HOW THE SNOW AND WIND SLAMMED AGAINST THE CAR! And me… no music because, well, I wasn’t really in the mood and too, I wanted to concentrate more on my driving…. – Up and down and round the turns and FINALLY… PIGEON HILL! OK! HERE we were! In the blizzard but HERE WE WERE! “HOME TURF”! – The drive into Bedford, up the Dalpé and Maurice went rather well until the turn-off at Sheltus where, as I tried to stop… I slid rather past it. So I continued along, into “town”. – Principale at LAST! NOW I was in “comfortable” territory! And the snows were STILL coming! – I parked, grabbed the tote of 14 canettes and headed into the store. – Well.. the return machine wouldn’t take the 50’s again, so I asked the nice gal at the cashe “Ou es-c’on vas pour retourner les canettes…” and she told me to use the machine. I tried. It didn’t work. Ah… then the broad who feigns not knowing English came to help… SHE tried… nope… so SHE took the cans, gave me the cash (2,80$) and I thanked her and went about my shopping (which I didn’t HAVE to do but since I was in the store…) – Yoghurt, cheese and… as I was leaving, I grabbed 3 loose KINDERs for the house.. Why not? Give them MORE reason to talk about me as though I’m useless and all. Fuktards that they are. And I was going to get one Aero for HLS.. but grabbed 2… one for me… oh wel. – Merci all round and out the door… it was about 14.00 by now, the snow was coming too steadily and the wind too strong to head BACK toward Richford so I simply headed back toward Fuklin… slowly. – On the Édoin, I headed straight into the Chevalier this time to see what kind of trip it would be. WELL! Flat, indeed, and nicely paved. Not a “short cut” by any means, but not too bad a trip… and it avoided the Morses Line catastrophe. And it came out just above the other turn that I don’t like on the Dutch. Oh well… at least there were no major holes in the road. – Customs… both guys with NY plates, but in the howling winds and blowing snows, one had to come out to clear the ice off the “Radiation” detector. I waited for him to do so and I truly felt badly for him, out there, in that storm. When I got to the door, the usual questions and he had to “scan” the car with a hand-held detector. “That damned thing isn’t working so I have to just sweep the car with this. I know there’s nothing in there but I have to. Sorry.” I told him I didn’t mind at all, I understand completely, and then I said to the other one “It’s like a scene from ‘Fargo’! They should have put those other 2, from Texas and Arizona out here today!” The one who’d remained in-side for the most part just broke into laughter. AND… I was back… in VersMarde… in the snow. – At the house, the corned beef and cabbage was on the stove… how charming. HLS was asleep in the lounge and Jester finishing their laundry. I briefly chatted, civilly, and came to the room… EXHAUSTED more from the driving in the snow than much else. But feeling quite well with my accomplishment of the day. – This evening, I was at the stairs when Bobo returned from work. All I got was a look. Indeed… pissed at me because I didn’t play chauffeur to the hubby-bubby. But you know? FUKYOO! on account of… FUKYOO! I simply came back up to the room for the evening… – THEY had to bring the dogs to the vet today, for shots and such. Dixie is QUITE the act… talking and running and pacing and bouncing and howling and such. She LOVES the driving! The sweet-heart. (I should take her out of the house some time. I truly should. There’s obviously something about getting away from here… after all… she’s the one who bolts when she can… and I understand the sentiment.) So I had the place alone for a while… I had a yoghurt and took a 30-min. nap!!! – 4 franks for “meal” and a donut… and they’re SO incredibly sweet! WOAH! – Anyway… the evening came and with it the “TOPIC” of the day: THE KINDERS…..
Now THIS TRULY DESERVES AND DEMANDS A MENTION….
I brought the 3 of them down-stairs with me for one of my smokes… Bobo on the recliner, HLS and Jester in the kitchen. I put them on the table and gave them a run-down on the illegalities of having them but that I thought they might other-wise enjoy them… some “little fun thing”… and… “OH MY! CONTRABAND!” WELL… HLS was the first to ATTACK! Like a greedy little brat-child! Un-wrapped the egg and proceeded to devour the chocolate… and as I was TELLING that the toy was in the little plastic capsule, which is why they’re illegal (including the comment “American children are too stupid to know better than to put the toy in their mouths and American parents are too lazy to mind their children with the toy….”) doesn’t the lard-arse-dumbshit-fuktard put the capsule into the mouth and try to EAT IT! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! AND THERE’S NOT MUCH MORE (NOR LESS) TO SAY ON THAT MATTER! JUST GOING, ONCE AGAIN, TO PROVE, TO THE POINT OF ABSOLUTLEY NO DOUBT… YOU CANNOT FIX STUPID! AND… how these “people” in this house WILL EAT EVERYTHING! FOOD! FOOD! AND MORE FOOD! EATING EATING EATING! It literally made me sick to watch! Just bloody-fucking ill! I made light of it, of course, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!
Now then, that recorded… I had my smoke, came up to the room and, well… passed the time, left a Skype for Viv to tell of the Kinder event. I HAD to pass that along! – Looked into the Kinder matter here in the states and found an article: seems 2 fellows from Washington or Oregon or over there, brought back 6 of them a while ago, to give as gifts. WELL! When they tried to bring them into the states, they were discovered in the car… a TWO-HOUR interrogation AND the statement, which I’m quoting from the article here:
“Nevertheless, Kinder eggs remain highly popular in America, and citizens regularly attempt to smuggle samples into the country despite a potential fine of up to $2,500 per egg. “
And to think, all along, I’ve found it rather stupid… until tonight when I saw what “actual stupid” truly is! Oh well.. If ever bringing something for somebody was worth the effort… to see is to believe and today… I BELIEVE! STOOPID BEYOND REPAIR! – OK… 23.30 last smoke… this day is done and I’m exhausted. Have had an Aero bar… and I’ thinking the sugar in that thing will put me into a coma-sleep tonight… – Nope… no smoke… to bed!

Wed.18.Mar: 7:48 NOT FEELING WELL AT ALL THIS MORNING! Too much sugar yesterday. Well, with 3 donuts, and before bed, an Aero bar, it’s really no wonder at all. Hmmm… – The windows are all frosted again this morning. The barn thermo reads zero and well… the skies are clear. It’s cold. 20° in here though. Not too bad. – 9.11 (on my) and yesterday’s entry is done. I still can’t really get over the HLS trying to eat the capsule bit! Selfish, greedy moron! – And I’m still not feeling altogether yet. But the frost is off the windows! So that’s nice. – I need a bit of a “shut-eye” for a moment… briefly… I hope. – 10.41 I napped. I should just go back to sleep… the way I’m feeling this morning. But the car is so CLEAN after the rain yesterday. It’s a shame. The barn thermo reads 20F, there’s painting to be done on the car. But I dare not! It’s still WELL below freezing. Oh … alas. – (2.09 on Thursday morning!) Well, it was quite a rather wasted day, all told. I just wasn’t feeling “right” all day. Spent much, TOO much of it on-line, posting to the social media and such. At about 16.00 I opened a tin of “ravioli”… back to the Shelter meals, eating out of the tin. And I finished the donuts… just what I needed… more sugar. – At one point, had a smoke with Bobo on the porch and discussed the issue at the Post Office. He said he’d spoken with HLS about it… from what little I’d told him about things. Well… of course, the talk now is supportive of me, but I’m sure there’s “other” talk about it with other people… At least I know what to expect over-all. – It was a particularly COLD day too! At one point, I had 8 tea-lights in the pot heater and even with that, the little space heater cycled quite a lot, simply to maintain 21° in this room… and even at that temperature, it was chilly enough to wear the hooded sweat-shirt most of the day. The cold is back in the house, and it’s not letting go so easily. At least it’s not like LAST Winter where I was ALWAYS so frozen that I couldn’t even use the computer because my hands were always so cold. There’s that much to be said “for” these days. I’m really quite thankful that I blew that 18$ on this little heater… QUITE thankful. What an idiot I was last year. There were moments when I could have afforded to get the heater… and of course, I got this one before I had the car so it made no difference… I still brought this one in… on the bike. Well, no sense thinking about that now. – Had a bit of a chat with Viv on the Skype during the day too today. And this evening as well. She seems dissociated again today. I wonder if she doesn’t have “moments”… either from general psych or medications. In any event, the “chat” seemed a bit “strained”. – As far as anything else to be said about the day… nothing. Just nothing. – I truly want to pack this place up and go… but as I’d feared… I can’t afford to get out. This job situation had better settle soon or I’ll be out of my mind in no time! – I’ve been pondering going up to stay by Viv for a while. But I can’t afford it financially, and with her state of mind of late, I don’t know that it would be in the best interest of either of us. I don’t want to destroy the relationship… again. Well. We shall see what comes along…

Thu.19.Mar: *This should be Friday, if my days are correct. I have to go back and check. Something’s wrong here. – My computer says it’s Thursday, the 19th… at 1.55 But that some-how can’t be because it should be the day AFTER my last entry which was this morning. OK. I see what I did. I skipped a day here. It IS only Thursday! WOW! This is no good! I’m missing days and skipping dates and things are getting screwed up. Not working and being too pre-occupied with not working… WOW! How easy it is to lose days. – Anyway, it IS now 2.03 and I’m just getting up to bed. Got into a “chat” with HLS down-stairs, about Quebec, politics, the old days, and all sorts of things. And the conversation just kept rolling along. It’s almost a shame, really. I CAN get into chats with him and we DO have much to talk about… especially because of “age”. But I never really feel “comfortable” talking about much of anything with any of them in this house. Still, to be awake at this hour… when, mere hours ago I was ready to fall asleep. And, for no particular reason, I wanted to be awake at a “normal” hour tomorrow. Still, waking early these days is useless… it’s too cold to “go” or “do”. It’s still very much Winter. And… I can’t afford to “go” too much or “do” too much either. Oh well. But the good thing is: just before I went to bed, I wasn’t sure if today would be Thursday or Friday and was hoping it would be Thursday… and so it is. Whew. I suppose. – Now to catch up with yesterday… and then… hopefully, to “nap” and nothing more. – It’s so cold tonight that the little heater is still cycling like crazy, just to maintain a rather chilly 21°! “Winter” is still not over! – I should simply close this up and get to sleep now… but for some reason, I’m awake… and I don’t want to be. – The house is quiet. All are in bed. My alarm is set for 6.00… for all that’s worth of late. Besides… I don’t think Bobo leaves now until about 6.30 so… perhaps I’ll simply re-set and force myself to wake at that hour… I NEED to get back to work! For SO many reasons! SO SO MANY reasons. – 13.01 I woke at 10.00! Another day screwed to the hilt. – 22.27 I’m in bed… should have been about an hour ago but… – Today’s “news”: I made it to the PO to find the EEO papers there. Nicole was working! Odd, but I’ve wanted to talk with her about her experience with the union and there she was. Isn’t the World a strange place though? So she tells me that the union did NOTHING for her. Well, as far as she knows, because Stacie simply called her back to work about 2 weeks after she fired her. (I’m thinking the union put the screws to Stacie and never had to contact Nicole. I’m hoping that’s what happened because I’m hearing NOTHING from them at all.) AND… even SHE knows about the situation with me. So there’s talk going round. The “girl” they hired to take the Sheldon office? They don’t know if it’s the “new” one or the one who’s worked for the PO already. In any event… the office has been ‘assigned”. Nicole doesn’t think who ever it is will stay. But… we shall see. – Left there and got gas. 19$ filled the tank today! – I sprayed the clear onto some of the rust, even though the temperatures aren’t even UP to freezing yet. But better to start than not treat at all, I’m thinking. – Skype with Viv this evening. Still rather “removed”, There’s an IKEA in Bourcherville… outside MTL. Now, I don’t have the money to shop, and there’s an IKEA I can get to. Figures. – Meanwhile… for “meal” today, I had a tin of “Chicken Pot Pie” soup and the mangoes. Oh well. – 22.33 the light over the bed just burned out. This new one will be the 3rd in that lampe… time to move the fuck out of here… This is the last bulb in the package… doesn’t it figure? No income and no bulbs. Alas… my life starts to return to “normal”… falling to shit. The one I just put in is a Sylvania… it was in the Dollar General box… I wonder where THAT came from. Hmmm…. – And so, I also cut some plastic… from the poncho-thing I’d made Summer past, and put “halves” on the windows to give privacy when I sit at the desk. – I can’t find the shoe brush! It’s bothering me that I can’t find something that I want to use now. I’ve packed so much! It’s stupid living this way. – Oh well… Time. That’s all. Hey! At least I have transport to the mountains now. – I’m almost tempted to have a drink… but there’s tea at bed-side. – A quick check to see the “Wants” for the PO and… TO BED! and to TRY to get some sleep tonight. I don’t know WHY I want to be awake tomorrow morning… but right now, it would be nicer to be up BEFORE 10.00. – The poor little heater is buzzing away over there on the floor again tonight. Tomorrow should be about 5°. Then we go back to -8 for the high. It ain’t over yet.

Fri.20.Mar: 7.51 DREAM: I remember fragments… There were 3 of us, renting a flat, in an old building, a large old building. The place was filthy… FILTHY! Furnished, with old mattresses and old furniture. There was old food and dirty dishes in the kitchen. It was a mess, but we needed it to be close to work. It was in an area of a city, but more like Greenwich Village, that sort of neighbourhood, but not “gentrified”. It was a tough neighbourhood, down-trodden. But it was all that we could afford. There was me, some girl, about the age of late 20’s or very early 30’s and her “lay”, she was romanticly involved with the fellow (who, in many respects, reminded me of Silas) but he was never present in the dream. The landlord was someone old, or an old couple. I never had anything to do with them because the place was actually rented to the other two and I was just residing there with them some-how. The rental part was quite ambiguous. She wanted to sleep with me all of the time and I wanted nothing to do with that, but she would be in my bed when-ever I’d come into the flat. She did GO to work, ever, she’d lay about the place all day, and never clean. It was “understood” that we weren’t to stay there long and so, nobody really wanted to get involved with cleaning it. At one point, I started, but never really got into it. It was at the end of a month/beginning of a new month and the rent was due but neither of them paid it. They were determined to move. And me? I didn’t have even my share because I wasn’t working or I’d just started working. That too, was ambiguous. But in any case, I didn’t have the rent and couldn’t afford to pay the whole amount on my own anyway. – I came in on the last day of the “rental period”, what-ever that was, and they had simply left. Well, SHE had left. I understood that she was gone and he was never there in the first place so that made no difference. I was alone to deal with what-ever was to come. I got there, knowing that I had no place else to go to and they were gone, on with their own lives, some-where else. It was approaching mid-night, the hour that I was to be out of the place. I was nervous about being removed, by the authorities or something. There was some kind of communication between me and the landlords, though I’m not certain how or when. Something about a deal: I was to clean the place, make it rentable to the next tenants, and while I cleaned and repaired, I would be able to stay there, for as long as it took, provided it didn’t take more than the next month. And I knew that that was impossible, and I didn’t want to clean “their” place and “their” mess at all. So I was anxious, alone, in a room where there was old clothing and bedding and papers and trash scattered all over the place. I paced, looking at the place, pondering what I would do next, where I would go to, not wanting to be physically thrown out, not wanting to stay, and not really wanting to leave. – I was down in the building lobby, it was dark, raining. A black station waggon, quite boxy, pulled up. The old couple was in it, he was driving, she in the passenger side, and the fellow was in the back. They’d come to tell me that I must leave, immediately because they’d given the place over to somebody who would be in there come the morning. The fellow in the back somehow told me, with-out actually saying so, that the place was no longer his responsibility and that it was mine now and what happened to me wasn’t his concern, it was mine. – The old woman told me again that if I agreed to clean the place for them, I could remain there, but I would have to clean it so that the next person would be perfectly comfortable in it. – As they pulled away, all of the tyres on the car began to disintegrate. But they drove away over the cobble-stone as if all were quite normal and well. – I started to walk, in the rain, to consider their offer. I hated the idea of cleaning the place because it was SO filthy, and I would be doing it for somebody else’s comfort and not my own… The dream ended.
**********
I almost KNOW what this dream was all about… the lack of rent is my current situation. The apathy of the other fellow about not paying, wanting to leave. The girl’s moves toward me, I don’t quite figure. The cleaning the place… for somebody else (the house here and the barn AND the Post Office!). Me, always doing for somebody else, somebody else, somebody else. It’s all too obvious. Not much to “work” with or on in this one. ANXIETIES! and ANGER. – But to make last night even more a pain… THREE phone calls: 2.16, 2.21 and 2.22… from a “Private Number”. A woman, sounded like an older woman, The first time, I disconnected when I saw “Numéro privée”. The next 2 times I simply listened… 51 seconds on the 2nd call and 1min10secs on the third call. She was looking for “Adam”… something about a car and his girl-friend and an accident or something. She just rambled about it and I wasn’t really listening anyway. – The dream, by the way, came after these calls. – So it was “quite the night” – And now, this morning, I woke to the 6.35 alarm and dozed… until about 7.30 or so. – 8.23 I’ve had my coffee and smoke. I noticed that HLS is on the recliner in the parlour, with TV on… Bobo is in the bed up-stairs. And again, with the house-hold as it is, with all of them here, it shoved me back into the not being certain what day of the week it is. There’s something ever so wrong with my head these days… MUCH of it is the concern about the job! – Last night before sleep, I checked the “wants” list. There’s an opening in Newport… that would be rather nice. BUT.. it’s about 45 miles away! Takes about 90 minutes to get TO! Still… it’s the same distance to the office in “Colchester/Mallets Bay”. Oddly… Newport means having to go over Jay Peak… Mallets Bay means having to zoom down the 89. Either way, I worry about the car being able to handle commutes like these. So there’s work… I just have to figure how to get to it! And I need, at this juncture, to do so… SOON! – Plans for the day? None, really. I want to find the show brush though. This bothers me… not being able to remember where I put it! And I do NOT want to UN-pack boxes again! (And I NEED to get the garbage out of the closet as well… OH! Garbage… in the closet… part of the dream? I wonder…) – 21.57 and in bed after a while on the Skype with Viv. – Another wasted day.. and if was Friday! It was more like a Saturday. Bobo was here all day. “Vertigo”, the claim. So it felt like a Saturday. – Got a call from Nicole asking for the password for the WiFi at the office. She rang the C. to say that she was bored… BORED! So the C. told her to use the WiFi! I didn’t even know there was such a thing in there… not that I’d ever use it anyway. I had too much to do whilst I was there. And Nicole says that the ‘replacement” is the one who’s going to Orientation and such… no previous experience! That office is all but doomed at this point I’m rather thankful that I have a box there… many complaints soon to come. – And I got a notice from Geico today. My car insurance is due on 5 May. MAY! THANK THE STARS! MAY! I’d better have MY job WAY before then… And I’ll be doing what-ever I can to ensure that. – Otherwise, a wasted day, pretty much. – I started editing the DeadArtist documents again. I can’t recall what I did and didn’t get to but I found 1964 and the event on the dead-end road… and I posted it to fesses-book and tmblr. One comment on fesses-book… “very sad”. Ah… but the prick’s true identity is now part of the social media and that makes me feel a little better. – And so, now, to finish my last tea as the 8 tea-lights make for much warmth in the room and a lovely glow. And then? Tomorrow to the PO and perhaps to the market in Ensoburgh. I need some food in here again. A tin of ravioli again today. And my stomach is telling me that that’s not such a great idea. One of these days I’ll try to heat food with the tea lights… while the weather is still cold enough. I’m willing to bet they’ll work! – So much for “Spring”. (And there’s snow in the forecast for the week-end. “Spring”… indeed.)

Sat.21.Mar: 1.18 I stayed up too late watching “Goodness Gracious” and now I just notice that the rest of the house is not only awake, but this room stinks to high heaven of cooking! And the THREE of them are awake, sliding chairs in the kitchen and carrying on. Something’s burning too. Oh well… – Must leave here… really, really, must. – 9.37 Over-slept… and the house is awake. The stench of pork sausage cooking in condensed milk is filling the room. And my stomach is churning. Just up from a smoke and the snow is falling lightly. And it’s Saturday… and I’m already disgusted with this day. Thought of going to the PO and to the market.. well… we’ll see where that idea gets to today. No travelling to HOME today though. No reason. No cause. And now, with churning stomach, I have to wait for HLS to get up, get into the loo, and from there? Who knows? Who knows? – Snow… how wonderful. – 10.53 Well… no PO today. But… there are replies to the posting about the old man! THIS is what I’ve lived for: to tell the Truth. This morning, I appreciate the Internet even more… Today, not only does the Truth get told to one person, and not only to those with whom I can speak, but it goes around the World. May my Mum now rest in peace… They’ll ALL know. – And the Otto Didactic page is getting noticed as well. So… perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. – I really should make an afghan to sell. (But that too, is one of those “Brilliant” ideas that will soon pass. – I was invited to breakfast this morning. I declined… on multiple points. Not the least being: pork simmered in milk. Just the very thought. – (Sunday morning) The day… in the room. Going through the music again, still trying to get these new “lists” together for the car. Driving along on a full-out roll and driving along immersed in memories. One list each. All day. In the room. – Nothing much to eat. I finished the tins of soups and macaroni. Nothing for deserts. And tea. And why? At one point I’d stood on the back porch, having a smoke and thought of how, when all I had was my legs and a bike, it was too much to get to the market. And since it rained and wet-snowed most of the day, I wouldn’t have gone anyway. But today, there was a car sitting there and I STILL didn’t bother to go. Today’s excuse: gas and money. And again, food wasn’t worth the effort. Food… has ever been worth the effort. – Anyway, I’d planned on being in bed by about 21.00. That didn’t work out again. I can’t say that there was anything that kept me up until past mid-night. But even when I finally did get into bed, I was more awake than tired. – 3 changes of tea-lights (5 each) kept the temperature in the room at 20°-21°. That was a nice change from last year. There was some warmth, although, I had a chill in me that wouldn’t go away. I wonder… – Did get to listen to A Prairie Home Companion. A re-broadcast with Brandi Carlile tonight. And a new song… which I managed to get onto the iPod. So… – And Saturday rolled into Sunday… and there went the day.

Sun.22.Mar: 0.48 Going to bed hungry and late again! THIS SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP! And to think I had a 50! OK. Didn’t work. – Winds are rushing and hammering against the house at the moment. Up to 50km/h later! Oh my! (I need food!) – 8.04 No alarm, I woke on my own, to the sun shining brilliantly in through the… FROST! From top to bottom of the window… FROST! No snow. But the cars are sprinkled with ice. That wind brought a change in the weather, as wind does.. and instead of bringing in the Spring, it returned the Winter. We’re back to… January this morning. Alas. Oh well. No trouble, that. I’m just up from a smoke. The barn thermo reading zero again this morning. But the birds are busy, in and out of the little houses. That’s a sign of something not January. And I thought of how this room is comfortable this Winter, this morning. What a change from last year. Imagine: An entire Winter with-out heat last year. And this year, my body just will not tolerate the cold. I think last year broke me down quite a bit where that’s concerned. The bitter cold of the room, walking in cold so bitter than my beard and moustache became solidified in ice. Then, a Summer of biking in the pouring rain, to and from work (and for what? to be where I am now? Fuck me! Eh? truly, madly and deeply… and no pleasure in it). Yeah, something broke down. Now please let that NOT happen to the car! – 8.18 and the frost is clearing from the windows already. There’s warmth in the sun, but there’s such cold in the wind that the warmth just can’t make it through. Creation is… a wonder. – Last night, Jester commandeered the loo for about an hour, so there was no showering or even using it for a dump. This morning already, Bobo’s in there. HLS is in the parlour, TV and mobile phone tinkling and playing music. Jester is across the hall, under the blankets. The house is, generally, awake. And… my first thoughts of the day: Car insurance (thankfully not due until May!), and rent. – Last night I went a bit on the haywire side on the postings to the postal forum. But you know? I can’t really say that I give a shit because.. well… there’s been no response from the union. So I suppose I’ll have to do what I must do… as usual… there’s never help when I need it. And yet, there’s a social media blitz for every other cause. I wonder… I often… always? wonder. – Well… Sunday morning, going for 9.00, blue skies, sun-shine and brisk winds forecast to hit 50-60km/h. It’s going to be an “interesting” day… I suppose. – (Monday) Nope. No interesting day. I got the new “play-list” done… the “up-tempo” for the car. Took a nap. Did nothing. Stayed in the room. Cleaned up some image files. As I say… nothing. And when it came round 21.00 and I wanted to get to sleep… I got to awake…again, as usual. Until just past midnight! This is about to drive me insane! And bills are coming due. No word from the union. Makes me sick! – Checked the forum. Nothing posted on my posts. I’ll be taking this a couple steps further. Of course, there’s always the reality that the customers don’t give a shit. I checked postings on the postal site: Newport… still… nothing more. And that idiot who got my job is in orientation so there’s to be a “wait”…. and I don’t have the time! – Well… time to escalate on my own, I suppose… indeed. I didn’t get out of the Shelter by waiting for others to do their jobs…

Mon.23.Mar: 7.27 Awake. Exhausted. Head-ache form the exhaustion. I didn’t get to sleep until after mid-night again last night. All day long I wanted to “nap” (and did… for about an hour!) and when it came time to get to sleep, round about 21.00… I got all involved with more “info” videos and such. I half-woke before the alarm at 6.35 this morning. But, it wasn’t enough. It never is of late. Depression. Anxieties. And the likes. – I really should toss some clothes into the wash, but… I’m not in the mood. Clothes, sleep-wear.. linens. But, I don’t think that’s going to happen this morning. – As for the rest of the day? I HAVE to get out and get some food.. and run the car. The temperature on the barn is -3F this morning. The poor car… frozen, as it is. And the driver’s side floor is probably frozen. Potential for rust there. Must do something about all that. – Time. – And the constant thought of cleaning out the chequing account and wondering if the debit card will get me a money order by week’s end. And not having any money after that. The conversion rate. Too much to think about… at the beginning and the end of a day. – 22.45 almost 2 hours after the time I thought I’d be in bed. Oh well… 23.00 and that’s enough! – MADE IT! To the PO (for nothing but junk). Chatted a while with Dianna. But not about Postal Affairs. Then, to the Dollar General (nothing on that visit but…) then to Hannaford’s for… FOOD! Stopped at the Family Dollar for candies. Got a little bag of jelly beans (they’re all gone now) and then to Hannaford’s for… FOOD! Stopped back at Dollar General for light bulbs (they had only the clear… one’s in the bed lampe and another in the desk. Same light, just a bit harsher I think but it’s light), and 2 totes, one for the car and the other because… I still don’t know what the other one’s for but I’m sure I’ll find a use. – Came right back to the house by about 15.30 and up to the room for 4 franks! I was SO hungry! I could have eaten the other 4 tonight… but I didn’t. But now there’s the tins of pasta and some fruits and more peppermint tea and another coffee in the larder. FOOD! OK! (I have to think of a way to heat the stuff in that pot-heater… turn it into some kind of “oven” or something. One of these days I’m sure I will… one of these days. It’ll heat the room and the food! HEY HEY HEY!) – Gave myself a 20-min. nap… and forced me to wake after it. SO tired! – Social media and such for the rest of the evening. – Popped off an e-mail to Losito asking if I should file the EEO and send documentation to the PMG. I wonder… No reply as yet. Looks like I’m going to have to fight this one alone. How (not) novel. – Anyway… a bit of Skype with Viv this evening too. I had to send “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and such to make the point that I’m tired. Signed off rather oddly, I must say. But I didn’t want to be on until 1.00 and she’d napped for 4 hours so… – Had my last tea and smoke and now, this computer tells me it’s 22.54… 6 minutes until the fucking phone across the hall starts with the “ching-a-ling-woo-hoo-blip-blip” shit. I hear Jester over there, stirring already. I NEED a sound-proof something! Oh well… soon enough… well, not soon enough but soon. – One quick check on the “theatre curtains” or heavy flannel and I’m off for the night. – The little heater has worked to keep 20° in here this evening. But Thursday is supposed to bring 7°! RAIN! But 7°! Imagine… that’s considered “warm” now. – Oh… the franks didn’t quite get down to the stomach. I’m burping whole chunks back up. And, there seems to be something wrong with my right calf. Painful. I wonder: clot? There’s a “bruise” there from the Summer than won’t go away. Oh well. Die in my sleep or be embarrassed by calling the “authorities” to come take me out of here to die. No trouble, really. Just “go”… I hope. – The end.

Tue.24.Mar: 7.40 and the laundry is in the wash. I woke with the aroma of brewing coffee this morning… before the alarm. But stayed, dozing, under the covers until almost 7.00. The sun is POURING in through the windows but it’s still quite chilly out there this morning. But the laundry is in and that’s the issue of the morning. I’m feeling a bit “run-over” for some reason. Anxieties…that’s about all it truly is… anxieties. What would my life be if nt for anxieties? I wonder. – (Wednesday) This was yet, another wasted day. I’d planned on going to thePO. I’d planned on going to get the fabric to cover the door and to make half-curtains for the windows. I accomplished…. making the “Play-list” for the car. I should have completed the EEO forms. I accomplished… 4 franks for “meal”. Well… I did accomplish laundry, so I suppose it wasn’t completely wasted. Oh, how my goals and ambitions have dropped to low – HOWEVER.. there was ONE accomplishment that I’m rather happy about… I MANAGED TO GET A COPY OF “YOSSI v’ JAGGER!!!! YES, I DID! And now I have TWO copies of it. One on the lap-top and another on a thumb-drive! It took over an hour to get it. But then again, Internet in this town is little better than “dial-up”… and it’s not the speed at which that counts. It’s the fact that I got it! – And still… no reply from the union to my recent request for input. I’m just going to have to fight this alone.. Gee… how typical. – The worst news of the entire day: I didn’t get to “Lights-out until after mid-night… AGAIN! I seem to wake up when it’s time to get to sleep! I have to change that. It’s got to go back to “normal”. Why? I’m not sure. But it must. – Oh… and tomorrow, I get to drive Ms. Lazy to the DMV! How charming. Bobo came by to tell me to do that at my convenience because “I’m sure you have things you need to do with your life.” Ca ce peut tu? No, not really. Anyway, I told HLS that it can be done when s/he wakes. I’m in no particular rush. – Oh, and it appears that Bobo will be heading to PA on Friday after work. Something about the father going in for surgery. How nice. I wonder about people who have their parents… and have some kind of “attachment” to them. And it brought to mind: I die and no-one will really ever know. Not that I give a shit. I’m dead. Don’t give a shit.

Wed.24.Mar: 7.34 and so the day begins. I woke with the 6.35 alarm and decided to “loll” a bit. I need to get the garbage out. The house is asleep and I’m not about to wake anybody. But… – I had a bit of some kind of “dream” last night.. I was brushing my teeth and another tooth came out. But when it did, it felt extraordinarily heavy. When I looked at it, in my hand, it was the root of the tooth and the rest was a stone. I wonder what brought that about. – Meanwhile, the sun is again, pouring in through the window. – The orange tree is still shedding leaves. I hope it doesn’t simply die off. But the Richford Christmas cactus is in bloom again! And the one, little segment of the other cactus that I simply tossed into a frosting container is multiplying. It’s becoming quite the plant! The ivy is looking well. Ah, to think of the Crown of Thorns… the umbrella tree… she killed them off… as she did with so much more. Killed… murdered, really. Plants, feelings, memories… murder. Some wounds never heal. – This morning, as I lolled I pondered the “energy” theory… I die and my “energy” disperses into “all energy”, including the pain and hate, and it’s then able to find and surround those who remain. “He died hating you and now you can’t fix that, you can’t change that. That energy is out there, and it’ll find you. And there’s nothing you can do to change that.” – Well.. it’s Wednesday. Yes.. it is. And the sun is shining, there’s frost on the car. And it’s getting closer to the end of the month of March. April will be here soon… April… there was that ice storm when I left Richford. There’s still time for ice storms. Winter isn’t over yet. – 23.06 FINALLY IN BED! – Well… as I was having my cinnamon bread and butter this morning, HLS comes to the door to say that s/he was done in the shower and ready to go. Must have been round about 10.00. Me? I took my time eating, finished my coffee and went to the shower next. HAH! Then, we were off in the Juke to the DMV, chatting about music and such. How charming. Before leaving the house, HLS was all in a snit because of some missing form. “They can pull it up on their computer!” Honestly… no touch with reality at all! Of course, when we got to the DMV… THE FORM was with all the necessary papers. Ca ce peut tu? I signed HLS in and we waited only briefly, thankfully. Bing bang it was done and we were off. – Seems Bobo had given 60$ toward the new license and the rest went into the gas tank (12$ and that gave them about ,75 tank. None of my business.) And then? Back on the road to the house. – We took the Fairfield Rd, back, through Fairfield and Sheldon (and I didn’t stop at the PO then). – Back at the house, I got me together, sprayed a bit more paint on the rust on the car and took off… – To the PO where I GOT THE M.O. FOR THIS WEEK’S RENT. THE CIBC CARD WORKED! (I dread to see what the charge against the account is for this! COSTLY and DEAR no doubt.) – Rachel was there… TRAINING MY REPLACMENT! She asked how I’m doing. I told her I’m preparing the papers and e-mails to send to the PMG. (I hope this gets back into the rumour mill…) She was rather removed. But then… Oh… but she introduced me to the new gal (a young blonde… doesn’t that figure) as a “Box Customer”. Fuck her! And then started asking me where things are in the office. As if I’m going to be of any help from now on. And so, I got the money order, put it into and envelope and got it out on time for the 14.30 truck. And… I was gone.- To JoAnn’s where I didn’t get the drapery liner because it was too fucking costly and too light-weight to block sound. It would block light… but I need both light and sound. But I DID get 3 yards of muslin and a spool of thread so all in all, spent only 8$UScash. Not too painful. – I pondered getting some food whilst there and decided not to. I was TOO exhausted! This daily fatigue is becoming painful… because of the fatigue and because I know what’s causing it. – The drive back to the house was… bleak. – BUT THE SUN SHONE TODAY AND THE AIR WAS WARM AND DRY! IT WAS A MOST DELIGHTFUL DAY, WEATHER-WISE. TRULY! I had the window open as I drove along. (Hopefully the paint dried too.) – Back at the house, I arrived shortly before Bobo. And when he came in, he thanked me for taking HLS along this morning. Said he needs his time off for Friday when he’ll be leaving for PA and the parents’. (An 8-hour drive, that!) And he thanked me several times! Right then. – I came up, had a tin of pasta, more bread and butter and a tin of mango… and got busy with the cutting of the half-curtains for the windows. – Ah… suddenly… a SLAM OF WIND! (Which, by the way, is still slamming out there.) And a bit of rain and more wind! There’s a change coming again! I turned the iPod on to the slower driving music and sewed. – Bobo came by to ask for an envelope… he’s sending some bills to Penny. Honestly! She’s paying their bills! None of my business. – I over-heard HLS tell the oil guy that their electric bill last month was 300$. HEY! At least I didn’t freeze. And, as it is, right now I’ve 6 tea-lights in the pot (which should be going out soon). They were lit when Bobo came in. (Timing…) – And so, the “curtains” are sewn. One is up on one window… temporarily for the night. I’ll put all of them up properly tomorrow. – Now? Time to have my tea, check the soc.med. (no word from the union even as yet… fucktards!) and then to sleep (I hope) – Dropped a line to Viv via Skype. She spent the day at George and Anna’s. Nice. I’m pondering going up early for Easter… Not sure when as yet, but I shall see how the car goes and how much that money order set me back. – For tonight… this is it. WRAP! – 24.00 OH! I GOT THE GARBAGE OUT TODAY!!!! A MONTH’S WORTH… GONE AT LAST!

Thu. 26.Mar: 8.16 Depression. That’s all it is… Depression. With a hefty smathering of Anxieties. That’s exactly what it is. – Cloudy this morning. I woke, annoyed by the alarm. This phone is horrid. Over-night, something happens and it goes to all sorts of different screens so that, when the alarm sounds, I can’t simply turn it off. I miss my little Virgin phone. One click… done. I miss so much. I never had a lot, but what I had brought me some happiness. I’m not to have that… happiness. Depression. That’s what I’m to have. – And here.. another day… cloudy, dark. Things that should be done. The EEO should have been in the postes and there by today. I’m going to try it anyway. I’ve got the morning. Will get the forms in at the Sheldon office today and see. And then work on getting the rest of the documents to the PMG… probably via e-mail. We’ll see what happens. It won’t be quick. But it will be. If you don’t try, nothing happens. Ask, and there’s a 50/50. Don’t ask… 100% “NO”. I’ll go for the 50/50. I’ve got nothing now… I’ve nothing to lose. – As soon as the drear of waking up lifts.. the curtains on the window. After that? The rest of the day. Thursday. – Well… at least the rent is paid. – 23.12 Again.. late! – NOTE: THE EEO WENT OUT TODAY. Now let’s see were that gets me. – Stopped at Hannaford’s one the way back for franks. Had 4 with Portuguese rolls, and a bag of donuts. Oh well…. – Seems Bobo’s not going to PA this week-end. Something happened down at the job and nobody’s talking to him. He came back, to HLS to the doctor and they didn’t talk much at all. BUT… by about 18.00 tonight, Jester claimed to be 10 shot of Jaegermeister in to the wind and HLS was stoned on the pipe. We had a schmooze and a smoke this evening and he mentioned knowing how Jester is still trying to sway Bobo. And I went along with it to a point, telling him that I admire how he puts up with it. So, it’s in the open and quite frankly, I’m rather pleased. – Other-wise, I stayed in the room most of the day. – My right middle finger is SORE! Stiff at the first knuckle and feels like a broken or splintered bone. I can’t figure why. I don’t recall having slammed it. – It rained all day and tonight, it went back to snow! It’s rain again now. – Viv Skyped this morning. Insurance is telling her she needs to get back to work. She’s not happy about that. I wonder why she doesn’t look for other work. She went to George’s for dinner tonight. She brought the dinner. Well, at least she’s not staying in that flat, conjuring up more trauma and drama. I’ve half a mind to head up there on the week-end. But having that car in Montreal will prove a pain because it’ll have to be moved constantly. And there’s to be an anti-Muslim demonstration a few blocks away. “My” Montreal is, apparently, gone. Mulsims… fucking shit, the lot. Well… Jews have known this for many years and the rest of the world sat by. There’s still too many who sympathise with them. I’m glad to be “old”… soon, dead. I don’t want to know where this world is going. I don’t want to be a part of it. It’s gone quite evil and I’ve had enough. – A bit of fesses-book today as well, and some tmblr as well. But that’s about it. – Oh… the half curtains are up… on all 3 windows. I’m not totally pleased with the job I did. But they’re up and there’s time to work on them to make it better. – Not looking forward to tomorrow… but that’s “normal” these days. – Right now… try for sleep. I’m awake again… this is the shit! Ineed to return to a “regular” routine!

Fri.27.Mar: 8.23 Again. Woke with the alarm. Went back to sleep. Oh well. No loss, really, And… it’s snowing. Lightly. But snowing. – Another day. Just another day. – Headachey this morning… again. Another day. Indeed. – 23.15 another too late night! Fuck! – But today, at a cost of some 10$ that I truly do NOT have to blow away… I SENT THE 20 PAGES OF E-MAILS TO THE POST MASTER GENERAL AND TO THE DEPUTY POST MASTER GENERAL!!!!! I GOT THEM ALL OUT AT 16.00 FROM THE FUKLIN PO! PRINTED THEM AT THE LIBRARY. (And I have to say that I was a bit surprised when Kathleen charged me for the prints… considering she insisted that I owed nothing for the scans and I paid 10$ then. But… it’s Fuklin… to be expected). BUT THE E-MAILS WENT TO WASHINGTON TODAY! I wonder who, if anybody, will lose THEIR job because of this. Not that I expect anybody will. – Other-wise, a wasted day. – I suppose I can safely assume that the rent arrived though because Bobo got in from work at about 15.30, grabbed some “deli” and the next thing I know… they’re all off and on the road! For what? Don’t know. Don’t give a shit. But I got a shower in at about 20.00, just before they returned. They watched some video or something and were in bed by 22.00. Of course, the woohoo from Mme.Jester started a bit ago. And when I just went for the last smoke, the other 2 are still awake over there. But the house is … dare I say… quiet. – I watched several episodes of “Goodness Gracious Me”. Fun stuff. I have to get one episode so I can get a tune off of it. “Old Friends, Like Bookends”. Funny, in a sad sort of way, but the melody is nice. – Skyped with Viv (explaining the late hour) for a bit. Lost it in a tantrum about Cunty Ms. Newburgh and her bullshit. It started when Viv mentioned getting an old cook-book and it reminded me of the one I HAD… of Quebec recipes. FUCK ME! It angers me to no end. But I got that all out now too… just how selfish and nasty that little bitch truly is. I live long enough to disseminate the truth… then I shall die. – And for now… OH! I weighed myself tonight, on the scale in the loo… 82 KILOS!!!!! Always hovering at 70k… I know I was down to about 65k during the Summer with all the biking and walking. BUT 82 KILOS! 13 more and I’ll be up to that weight I was told I SHOULD be! Trouble is: it’s in the gut! Now I have to find a way to disperse it… and not throw my back out… and not lose it! Imagine! I wonder how! I wonder where it all came from! – So on that note, I wrap another day. Friday… imagine that. It would have been pay-day today. Alas… We shall see what’s coming down the spout with the sending of the EEO and the e-mails. Indeed… we shall see.
*****
GREENBERG–Morris “Moe”, husband of Evelyn Mesnick Greenberg, passed away on March 27, 2015 after a brief illness. He was 95 years old. Born in 1919 in Bronx, NY and raised in Wilkes Barre, PA, he and Evelyn made their home in Glendale, NY and enjoyed spending weekends and summers at their vacation home in Connecticut. Morris served as a Sergeant in the United States Army Military Police during World War II and received both the Medal of Honor and the World War II Victory Medal. He graduated from NYU in 1949 and worked as a Studio Art Manager at SONY/Columbia Records for over 25 years. Moe was an award-winning painter, a lover of the performing arts and classical music and was especially known for his great sense of humor and witty puns. He was a real mensch. Besides his beloved wife of 58 years, he is survived by his children, Beth and Allan Berg of Bayswater, NY, and Lois Yager of Middlebury, CT; grandchildren Nechama, Yitzy, Esther, Zev, Tzvi, Shuey and Sora Berg and Taylor Yager; and great-granddaughter Sora Bayla Berg. Burial and services will be private. Please support the cultural arts in your community in Moe’s memory. –
*****

Sat.28.Mar: 9.33 Just up from a smoke and a “chat” in the kitchen with Bobo who asked “So what are they gonna do at the Post Office?” I can’t be certain if it’s genuine concern for the job, for me or for the income. But no matter what… there’s nothing I can do at this time and it’s time I look into something else… Tough, that, trying to find something else.. At my age… Though I should probably stop thinking along those lines. – This room is a complete mess. Truly, shit piled here there and all over. I’ll have to get to that during this day. – It flurried again last night. The temperature went back down. But the sun is shining and here we are. – I’m feeling rather draggisih this morning. That one beer before bed last night was a bomber. Hit me rather well. But the time on the Skype un-did that. Then the tea. Still… it feels a bit like the morning after. Oh well.. maybe it’s the extra weight as well? Who knows? I should look into little exercises to “move the weight about” too. I should. I probably will… and then will do nothing about it. – Oh… fuck me then. It’s Saturday… I’m not going to the PO. Nothing there at this juncture. So there’s no reason to move about… Its soon April… I wonder if I should start taking the plexi from the windows and clean them. – Ah… and the text messages are tooting across the hall… well of course… Bobo went to the back porch for a pipe. Honestly… none of my business here. – On with the day… I suppose. – Viv will be out most of the day. I popped a message to her already… Bon. C’est toute. – 15.07 A sunny Saturday spent… RE-RE-PACKING! Another box in the closet. More boxes ready to be packed. I’m to be 60-fucking-years-old! I should take it ALL out to the back and set a match to it all. Even the coffee press that I recently got… is packed. PACKED! And in boxes from storage… reminders. Fucking reminders. I’m about to take a nap. I’m fucking fed-up with this shit. Truly. Fed-up! –
EXIT SURVEY FROM USPS!
23.38 Received the following just now… posted to fb 4hrs ago:
Hi Judah – just wanted to let you know that Dad passed away yesterday after a brief illness. He went peacefully on his own terms, the way he wanted it.
Regards
Lois

Sun.29.Mar: 0.53 2 v-tons and 3 episodes of QI and I’m still awake. The news from Lois hits hard. I’ve changed the images on fesses-book to Kaddish. I wish there was more I could do… there is… I will. – I had my last smoke moments ago, and as I came in, Dixie came down. I went back out for her… she shat. Poor thing. At least she’s relieved now for the night. Must love her! I do. – Now to try for some sleep. That insolent Mexishit across the hall yipped moments ago. I can’t hate her for her bullshit, but I most certainly hate that faggot thing of hers… Jester, and the faggot shit thing that allows him to have his run of this house… all the while, disrespecting HLS. – I must nap. The little heater is on to maintain a 21° through the night. There’s a damp chill in the room and I’ve already spent 10 tea-lights all day. – “Nap”… and I’m hungry. No “snacks” save one package of PopTarts. I’ll have to get something later today. Hunger will not do. – 12.04 Got out of bed at about 8.00 again this morning, had coffee, smoke and got to repairing the back-pack and sorting through all sorts of shit. It’s annoying to do this because it reminds me, just as yesterday, of all the things I no longer have, that I could put to use and yet.. gone. It annoys me because I carry pounds of documents and such that normal people keep in file cabinets… just as I once did… MANY rains ago. Life… it’s one huge punch-fuck. – 22.55 Cleaned the room. Hoovered! Chatted with Lois briefly (40 people for Shiva there). Had the Goodwill Loggers for the first time since NH! Showered. They came n round 17.00. I drove over to see Brenda 1/4lb potsal macsal chips chocpies ICE CREEAM! Beautiful drive back though. most homeseick. ATE SO WELL! QI until just now. Dozing off. – (On Monday) I’m leaving the “notes” as they are and filling in the rest this morning. So… today… Well then… I was busy going through all sorts of things in the room, trying to put it all back into some kind of order (that’s a laugh), packing even more into boxes, (always on the ready to pick-up and run) and the rest of them took off to some-where with-out a word… just left… as usual. There’s a bit of me that finds it rude to simply leave, but then again… it keeps the “relationship” here where it belongs: leave me out of your affairs, and that’s better all round. So, with the time to myself, I even got to HOOVER the room! One of these days, I’d like to shampoo the carpeting. Why? Just because. It should have been done when I arrived, it shouldn’t be done now, but who’d have ever expected I’d be here this long! (Indeed… time to get along.) – And after it was all done, I even had a brief time with the Goodwill Loggers for the first time since NH! What a shame there wasn’t MORE time but, a little is better than none at all.. not really, but after a fashion. – Next… a hop into the shower, though briefly and by the time that was done, they’d returned. – Spoke with Lois briefly. I had to get the old MetroPCS phone out (THANKFULLY I STILL HAVE THAT! There’s a shit-load of telephone numbers on it that I really should go through and … oh how nice, I’m remembering the old phone list that was on the old lap-top… gee… that’s gone too. MORE that’s gone. Even the printed list. FUCK! Oh well.) to find the telephone numbers for Moe and Ev. (Oddly, it had gone so completely off that the time read 0.00!) I rang the house and could hear all the voices in the back-ground. Lois was her usual “distant” tone. Seems Moe fell ill last week with another bowel obstruction. The doctors didn’t want to perform surgery, nor did he want that. So they tried non-surgical treatments and they failed. They had him on NG feed and such for about a week. And when his kidneys failed, he chose to simply “go”… as Lois said: On his own terms… with dignity. She said that she had to go because the burial was today. Colour-Guard and such, the obit will be in Monday’s NYTimes… “I can send you a copy if you’d like or you can probably find it on-line.”… “I’ve got about 40 people here… let me get your number…” and her side of the line went silent. My phone indicated that we were still connected but then… cut. Oh well… She didn’t sound too thrilled that I’d phoned anyway. I don’t much care. It’s not about what others think. It’s what I know that I feel that matters.- At about 17.00, I was dressed and ready to go anyway, so I put on my jacket, grabbed the “car tote” with cleaners and such and headed out the door (undetected) and headed off over the roads to… RICHFORD! WHAT A WONDERFUL DRIVE! Drove round the Square, over the Lake rd. and the way I’ve biked so often. The sun was GLOWING from behind. I wanted to take a little video and some photos but forgot that I had the phone in my shirt pocket so.. sadly, no photos. But it was a DELIGHT! Truly. I DO LOVE that town. It’s BEAUTIFUL over there. When I got to Mayhew’s, Brenda was there! WOOHOO! The town was empty though… no cars in front of the store and nobody on the street. When I got out of the car, Richard knocked on his window and waved. It was GREAT to be back HOME. – In the store, Brenda and I chatted and schmoozed. She commented on how empty the town was. I grabbed ,25lb each: potato salad and macaroni salad, a small bag of crisps, 2 chocolate pies, bag of rolls and… AND… a small container of ICE CREAM! and ewe chatted. She’d gone to Florida in January, the store is up for sale now, she’s putting here place up for sale… Richford is now up for sale, so it seems. The apartments across the way are being renovated. 2x3rms on the 2nd floor and smaller on the 1st. I wonder… Not that I’d want to live in that building… it being too dark because of the location. But.. new rentals coming. (Now to get my fucking job back!) But no matter… it was PURE DELIGHT to just be there. – Left at about 19.00 and headed back the way I’d gone. Again… a beautiful drive back. I like taking those roads… many wonderful memories there… from when it was where I “lived” (and practically died as well but..) and last Summer on the bike (even though I suffered many times in the heat). I’ve been through some miserable Hell in my life-time… and nobody knows and those who do don’t give a shit… for the most part. Oh well… – So… I managed to get back into the house with-out all the barking and howling and shit! Came up to the room, sat at the desk, pulled up some “QI” and shovelled the food down! I was HUNGRY and enjoying the “food”!!!! – When I’d done eating, I was content… made a peppermint tea and headed for the bed and watched more QI (I’m so thankful for it being available!) until… as the notes show, at 22.55 I was suddenly SO SO SO exhausted that in spite of being thirsty and wanting another tea, and wanting one last smoke, I simply shut-down the lap-top, turned the light off, put my head on the pillow… and Sunday was… done!

Mon.30.Mar: 7.25 THAT was quite amazing! I’d no sooner jotted some notes about yesterday (at 22.55) and I was thirsty and wanted a smoke but, I was more tired than anything else. So… I powered the computer down, reached up, put out the light, put my head on the pillow and went directly to sleep! Right away… drifted away… gone… out! Naturally. I forgot that I’d turned the phone off, so this morning, there was no alarm. I woke at about 7.00! And I actually slept through the night! DELIGHTFUL! Really wonderful. – The barn-thermo is reading 20° this morning. It’s cloudy and there’s some kind of “feeling” in the morning. Anxious. Some kind of tension. A bit of sadness. It’s not the cloudiness. It’s not the pressure of anything in particular. Just “something”. Not “good” and not really “bad”. Just something. – These are the last days of March. Schmulik’s birthday, Opa’s death, Cynthia’s birthday. (1975-7?) Could this be her 47th? March… a rather odd month, all told. And we add Moe’s death to this month. March… Mars. Marz. A strange month. And “my day” on the 15th as well. Strange month. Although, I don’t much like April either. 18th, if memory serves… Oma’s death. Spring. I’ve no use for it. I was only just thinking of the stats: so many suicides in this season. People believing that it’s the season of “Romance”. Nature finds mates, and all that shit. And people being reminded of their solitude, plunging them into emotional darkness. What a bit of shit. Oh well… – Viv asked what day would be convenient for me to be fetched this week. I don’t know, but I’m thinking that I should take myself up there. I don’t know. I want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t know why I don’t want to go. But… – Strange. – I probably should make a wash this morning. I don’t want to do that either. There’s nothing on the agenda. – But… the comfort of the day: the rent is paid. – 8.14 Yesterday is caught up. I’m still in the bed. My nose is tickling and a touch running. I hope it’s not “me” but something stinks of bad breath and flatulence! I swear it comes through the door! The HOUSE stinks stale, old sweat, flatulence. When I come into the room, it’s not like that… thankfully. But my body doesn’t smell right either… a bit like “pissy old man”. – Oh, and we’re experiencing FLURRIES! How novel… wind and flurries. Charming. –

GREENBERG–Morris “Moe”, husband of Evelyn Mesnick Greenberg, passed away on March 27, 2015 after a brief illness. He was 95 years old. Born in 1919 in Bronx, NY and raised in Wilkes Barre, PA, he and Evelyn made their home in Glendale, NY and enjoyed spending weekends and summers at their vacation home in Connecticut. Morris served as a Sergeant in the United States Army Military Police during World War II and received both the Medal of Honor and the World War II Victory Medal. He graduated from NYU in 1949 and worked as a Studio Art Manager at SONY/Columbia Records for over 25 years. Moe was an award-winning painter, a lover of the performing arts and classical music and was especially known for his great sense of humor and witty puns. He was a real mensch. Besides his beloved wife of 58 years, he is survived by his children, Beth and Allan Berg of Bayswater, NY, and Lois Yager of Middlebury, CT; grandchildren Nechama, Yitzy, Esther, Zev, Tzvi, Shuey and Sora Berg and Taylor Yager; and great-granddaughter Sora Bayla Berg. Burial and services will be private. Please support the cultural arts in your community in Moe’s memory.

lundi30mars
15.49 JUST HAD A WONDERFUL CHAT WITH EV! WOW! “Wen you come to New York please come by and visit me.” Moe, she says, didn’t suffer until about 6 hours before he died. He even took a taxi to the ER! Told Ev “I don’t need an ambulance.” and he walked into the hospital! True to Moe Greenberg! But it struck me, as we talked… he’s not here… “here” any more. it just doesn’t seem possible, some-how. – I “napped” a bit. I hope it doesn’t keep me awake again tonight. Viv went for a “nap” when I did. No doubt it WILL keep her awake. But I think most of her fatigue is depression… as if mine isn’t. We deal with it in different ways though. – Well.. it’s almost 16.00. There’s lasagna in the oven for them. For me? Tins of pasta and some rolls in the larder. Nothing for “snacks” tonight. But that’s OK. When I get hungry, I’ll go to bed tonight. (At 82kilos, I won’t starve.) – 22.40 Mostly… yet another wasted day. Mostly… on-line. Skyped with Viv for a bit. That was about all. Spent the day in the room though… in the room. – Not that there was much else to be done. It snowed on and off during the day. Not miserably cold though. And, no heater. That’s much to be said at this point. – Was watching QI when the Internet went dead. The computer is running terribly slow these days. I wonder about that. Oh well… – As of now, Viv will come down on Thursday “lunch time” to fetch me. I’m wondering about the return though. Not that I can’t get back here from MTL. Long trip, but a lot… A LOT shorter than trying to get back to NYC. – Speaking of which. I was thinking about getting down there to visit… by plane, and where I could park the car up here. Pondered BTV, So.BTV, Winooski and the troubling bit… Rockaway! In my head, Rockaway was an option. Something snapped and Rockaway was a parking option! WHAT was THAT all about? I wonder. – Well… it’s going for 23.00 and I want to be “lights out” by then, so this will have to stop here. Let’s hope for a night’s sleep… I’m not tired… again.

Tue.31.Mar: 8.14 Did it again… alarm… sleep. And this morning, feeling out of breath after coffee and a smoke. One of “those” days. Of course, yesterday was a chocolate pie for lunch, a package of rolls with butter and a tin of pasta… all day. Not nourishing at all. So what can one expect? – Schmulik’s birthday. Cynthia’s birthday. Opa’s death. Quite the day. Eh? – Cloudy this morning. And the room was rather chilly when I woke. I’ve put the little heater on, to take the chill out. – And I’d like to by-pass this day. But… that’s not about to happen. – I should get out to get some food for here for this evening… eventually. – I could do a wash. There’s stuff already in the dryer from last night. I don’t know why but HLS was making a couple of washes until late last night. Oh well.. there’s time for that… I hope. I’ll MUST tomorrow morning then. Need clothing for the couple of days at HOME. Odd, I thought last night: packing… no big deal this, because, well, the weather here is the weather there. No HUGE climate difference. – Oddly, I’m not all excited, as I used to be, about going. Montréal isn’t all it used to be any more. A vicious little place these days, what, with the Seps and Muslims. Where did “MY” HOME go? This world… It’s been a nice place to visit… time to leave. – Thus, the thoughts of the morning. –
(Wednesday morning at 4.42) It was an almost wasted day. Although I DID cut my hair and trim my beard today! YAY! (The hair looks like shit though… I do NOT like this new trimmer! MORE chunks gone!)
HLS and Jester left to fetch poor Ellie. Poor thing… I learnt later that she was bleeding internally and had fungus growing in her ears! She got IV fluids and some antibiotics (I learnt from Jester later this evening…) at 185$… paid for by… Ms. Pennyarseholeshit4brainsbitchtard.
TO THE PO:
Heard Dianna talking (presumably to the C.) about the PO Boxes… I believe it has something to do with changing the combinations. I over-heard her saying “He was really good about organising this place. And he said something to me about ‘Should I share this with everybody?’ in a joking way.” Fuck them, really! I waited for somebody to call me to ask and I’m all prepared to say “I can’t divulge that information… I no longer work for the Postal Service.” and let them rot. The old instructions are (or were) in the safe. Let them dig and learn! Oh, and she mentioned something about a list that she’d printed with all the combinations and that she can’t find. HEY! I had all the necessary paper-work right there, on the desk. Rachel and “Jen” have been in there. Fuck me! Fuck them! Go find the shit yourselves! Not my responsibility any longer. Bullshit! I was in the PO in the lobby whilst she drivelled. She didn’t even know I was there! GOOD! Fukkemall! – (Wed.12.35) So… as for the rest… I left the PO with-out saying a word to Diana. I don’t believe she even knew that I was there. And… I headed off to the Mobil for another 20$ and another FULL TANK! Thankfully! Stopped at the Dollar General for auto carpet cleaner for the passenger’s side floor. It’s a mess! But the stuff worked wonderfully! Spray, blot, clean! Now I need to get the rest of the Subaru cleaned out and up! (I’d painted a bit more over the rust before leaving. I’m hoping the painting works to at least stop the rusting. But in this cold weather… there’s no telling. We shall see.)- OK It was over to the Hannaford’s next for food for this evening (franks, of course), and some noshies. But there were boxes of “5-per” of MATZOH! I broke down and bought a box. BUT I have to comment… the boxes were COVERED in DUST! Just goes to prove the lack/absence of Jews in this state. But they were marked for this year so … I figured: 1 box for me for here, 2 boxes to bring to Viv and the other 2 for the house. Well! THAT proved to be interesting… Anyway, I drove back over the route I used to take to and from Richford… the “Watertower” rd and such. Brought me into the Berkshire Ctr. rd and the Lake rd. As it turns out, it’s not much farther, and a nice drive. I wasn’t in any particular rush, and I wanted the smoothest drive possible. I’m still not completely comfortable with the car and such. So it was a nice drive, all told. – Then came the “interesting” bit: At the house I asked Jester and Bobo if they ate matzoh… NEITHER OF THEM KNEW WHAT IT IS! HLS told me about helping with some sort of “seder” at the local church here, a while back. Honestly… that bugs the shit out of me. This place is SO anti-everything and I’m certain that a “seder”? Jewish? Here? In this shit-hole town? But then we got the entire little story… which annoys me because it included the “I have SO much respect for.. ad yet you know nothing about. Oh well… That’s the way it is… just the way it is. – BUT… Jester tells me that the plans for Easter Sunday dinner WAS for a pork roast but is now to prepare the “prime rib” (that he paid 50$) that was supposed to be for Christmas dinner. Imagine that! They’re not planning on PORK! (again) But, if all goes well enough, I’ll be in MTL (and probably be facing a PORK dinner… I’ve no doubt). Alas and oh well. Makes no matter to me anymore. – So for “dinner”… 4 franks on Portuguese rolls and a half bottle of V8. How nice… beef, starch and veg. May as well. – I was SO hoping to be in bed at 21.00 again tonight but, the later it got, the more anxious I became. The night rolled along and along and the next thing I knew… Today was over and into tomorrow! I know it’s all a part of a depression coming on. A serious depression at that. No income to put into the car and other necessities. There’s money in the banque… at HOME… and the 5’s. But that will go quickly. And I’m down to the last 20 in my “spending” fund. Yep… Depression coming along at full speed. My body gets tired all day and when it comes time to actually sleep… NO! The body and brain go into over-drive! – My stomach is rather extending too. I wonder if it’s fat, extra weight in general or something terribly wrong. Oh well… again… Time will tell all… I don’t give a shit one way or another, to be honest. – And so this wraps the day and the month. April next… the month I had to leave Richford… Every month has something “dark” in it anymore.