December 2011

01/12/2011 at 22:15 07
20.09 NS42 The Malnutrition Runs are in full force tonight! Water, water & more water! One can’t imagine there’s that much in each of us! But, with ALL sincerest gratitude to PJ, tonight, I sleep on a full belly: huge chicken-caeser salad, Fage, sweet banana chips, “Magic” granola “chunks” (with chocolate!). My stomach is making a fuss, but my energy is returning. It was a difficult day. Little energy. Only one Ramen all day yesterday. Every time I had to walk or take the stairs, I was out of breath. I had to jot notes on everything or I’d forget things. Did just fine with the phone at work, but every thought was an effort. No 30min lunch again. But I made my 8 hours. – It got cold over-night last night (I couldn’t sleep because of it. Finally put the heat up though, at almost 1.00.) – Left work to BTV not knowing if PJ would be there. Didn’t see him when I got off the bus so went to P.O. Bad news: OD up to 600$! HOW? Impossible! The job at Chase MUST come now or I’ll drown in this debt! It can’t go on! – Last night, Janice rang. I missed her call, rang her back. In our chat she told of a flat available. I told her I’m over my over-draft. I hope she got it this time. – Meanwhile, I haven’t talked with Kelly tonight. Actually? I don’t dare leave the loo! Honestly. – Back at BTV… I came down Church, convinced I was alone again at a time when companionship means so much. Convinced I wouldn’t be eating for at least another week. Psyching my body for it. THERE was PJ! He was there when I got off the bus! I didn’t see him! We went to City Market… to shop… for FOOD! He chose rather costly items. I chose the cheaper. He suggested “organics”. I chose store-brands. I’m accustomed to this. I needed long-term provisions. And he was on FS. Bless him, he kept referring to the meals I’d paid when we ate in town and the bus fares. How sweet he remembers. But I didn’t keep track. He said we could go back tomorrow. I’ve food for several days. – I was so relieved to see him tonight, even if we didn’t shop. Tonight, in my weakness and bodily trouble, the companionship was so necessary. Fate provided. – We grabbed the 17.45 busses, me to Shelburne, he to Winooski. I rode alone, groceries beside me, in pleasant shock… a “Friend”. – I did some calculating en route: the Chase job will pay exceptionally well. Cover back rent, over-drafts. Soon, I’ll look for a flat! I begged Mama, Oma, Opa et al to make it happen. This will show how alone I am. – Got off the bus and bolted across to the room, hungry for FOOD! Kelly was registering a new “guest”. My intention was to eat a bit and go to her, but as I ate the salad and yoghurt, my bowels began in earnest! Torrents rushed round in my gut! Torrents came gushing out (and I’ve slmost no toilet paper!). I don’t dare leave the room for fear. So I ate, have eaten. – A bit of bsmging on the wall tonight. New “guest” in 41. Oh well. I’ll adjust. I’ve little choice. – But now, 21.11, the “must” is dleep. Tomorrow’s another 4.30 rise… and 8 hours of “nice” me. But, my belly’s full… and the heat is up.

01/12/2011 at 22:54 28
21.49 Novembre is complete. – I firgot to mention, for today, here: A customer from Bethel CT called today, Talking with her got me choked up! (I gave her free shipping.) – No word from Kelly. – Stomach still churning. – Novembre’s entire entries are done. – An advert for St. Hubert on TV. Viv? Where are you?

03/12/2011 at 2:11 56
*Friday 2 Dec: Another day of making customers very happy! One from Mamaroneck! It really is a delight just to know they’re happy. – Direct deposit in effect again. Too bad; I could have used a bit of cash. – Janice rang as I waited for the bus after work. Invite to a HOCKEY game!!! I accepted! – Got the bus to her Mum’s. Rang Kelly with an up-date: You’re now behind 2 days! You HAVE to pay the daily rate now so come in with 83$(and something)! Shelly will be in this evening and the books have to be in order! And I WILL have the books in order! (I told her I’m doing the best I can… Truth. But this sudden change of face!). – Next? Storage! Not going through! I rang them to say I know of the situation. THEY were quite nice. Imagine? NYC being nicer than ShelburneVT! – Janice, Debby, Dough and I went to the Norwich/Castleton Hockey game, Kreitzberg Arena. Whatba THRILL for me! I enjoyed it tremendously! Had looked forward to eating tonight, but WOW was that game worth the skipped food! And Norwich won 3:2! – Dropped Doug at his house. Janice suggested Denny’s here on the Shelburne Rd. I had a truly wonderful double burger. Woah! Beef! Very good! (8,99). The 3 of us had great laughs! i needed it too, considering the “home” events. – They dropped me at NS at about midnight. The office was closed. No talking with Shelly tonight. – I somehow anticipate trouble in the way of disturbances… to get me to leave. Janice and PJ both (and Tim.COTS) point out that it could go either way: Negotiation or Court battle. I’m tired of fighting. And the job at Chase coming so soon. – Tummy gurgling from all the FOOD eaten and nerves. – Bringing the temperature in here up above 20• tonight. – I’m exhausted! Long day. Worked until just about 15.30! – Paycheque was shitty but very fare indeed. Taxes low. May that continue. – 1.04 on Saturday. Today I must talk with Shelly. Kelly took it upon herself to nit talk with Shelly and, as Janice pointed out, I’ve been mist xommunicative so it really usn’t my fault that Shelly wasn’t notified. Meanwhile, it appears some work time will be missed the coming week: Legal Aid Lawyers… I never thought I’d be in this predicament here! – Time to try for SONE sleep tonight/day. – At Denny’s, Janice saud “I worry about you not eating.” Imagine? – 1,5 packs cigs left. Very tough times coming. – HELP ME! Someone? Please?

04/12/2011 at 0:12 45
22.38 Well, it WAS A good day. Clear. Not too cold. I woke about 7.30, had morning coffee. The room phone rang about 8 or so but I was shitting my guts out and missed the call. Got dressed and headed for BTV. On the bus. 2 guys get on shortly after and one says “Calisse!” I almost cracked-up! – In town, to the PO. Nothing there. No news=Good news. So off to the library… to research. The nice Librarian showed me to the set of Vermont Statutes. By about 10.30 I was in deep. It felt so good to be learning again! After about an hour or more of cross-referencing… BINGO! The statute that tells it in print: The 30-day residency means I’m a “resident” and not a “guest”! A 14-day notice is required by law now! And, unlike NY, I’ve a right to trial by jury! I continued to delve deeper. – About 3 hours later, PJ arrived. We talked about all sorts of topics. He’s amazing, really. Then Janice began texting… at her Mum’s, going to WalMart. What a day! What a “residential” day! – (The wind is howling!!!) – PJ and I left the library about 16.00, strolled up to Groff’s. No redponse yo PJ’s knocks on the door. We wrnt to City Market. He had sushi, I, a small potato salad. He paid a box of PopTarts and s tin of peaches. I’ve got food! – After, I walked him almost to Winooski. Not a bad stroll. We parted as I got the 9.bus back to catch the 19.15 6.bus yo Shelburne. What a delightful day! – Came in un-noticed. Nobody on the desk. Ate 2 rolls, butter snd peanut butter. The room phone. I answer. Kelly…
“This is the front desk. You have to pay-up or leave tomorrow.”
I asked, calmly: “Where’s Shelley?”
“Shelley’s got nithing to do with this. 11:00! OK?”
I heard s male voice in the back-ground: “…4 days…”
Click.
For the next 2-plus hours, the texts. PJ and Janice. – As the texts went, I researched. I found Shelley Vinal on CollegSt. Janice found her on Spears. I’d found Shelley’s family name by my research at the library. Tonight, that research did good. – But after that call, and the texting? “Don’t worry…”(PJ) “The bitch must be afraid of something… being fired…” and “Call Shelley,,,”. Janice. – Right. I’m tired. Cold. It’s late… I’m VERY EXTREMELY tired!…. of it ALL. And quite unsure if I’d survive a dive into Champlain. – Car doors slamming. WIND RUSHING!!! The cold is here. – Ah, to try a seim across to Plattsburgh.

04/12/2011 at 6:33 31
4.39 North Star 42 The wind sounds as if it’s going to blow this place away this morning. Tonigt’s forecast is for rain. Rain all through the week as well. But very, rather warm. Even now, the temperature difference between here and Plattsburgh is amazing. – Six hours… I have 6 hours to thwart this hillbilly attempt at destroying everything I’ve worked so hard to build here, in this state. In 41 days, (6 weeks) … 42 days if today is included … I’ve learned my way round, become familiar with the territory, gotten one job and am on the way to another. I’ve met PJ, eho has been more Comerade than anything else, who, just last night said “Burlington wouldn’t be the same with-out you.” because “you brought me out of my shell.” Anne, who, only 3 days after my stone-cold arrival, invited me to participate in a local radio show show, to speak my heart to all the people in my new “Home-town”. Janice (and her family), who even took the risk of inviting me into her home for a holiday meal, and to attend a hockey game with her and Doug, riding in her car for quite some distance. I’ve been provided food when it’s so needed. I’ve nit been judged negatively. And now, this morning, with 6 hours, I wake, alone, to face the possibility of having all of this wiped out… by one (or 2) little pieces of human shit. Kelly and whom-ever it was at the desk last night will, I’ve no doubt, toss what few things I brought with me, probably into the dumpster here, or perhaps tear through it all at their own amusement while I go out, ALONE, to TRY to salvage what-ever I can of my effirts to hold onto the little that’s left of what I was finally referring to as my “Life”. – Last night’s peanut-butter sandwiches are churning in my gut. The 23• warmth in this room gives me chills as the roar of wind is the only sound in my ears on this Sunday morning. – No bus service to get me to where I need to go: a police station, into Burlington, and back again… with-in 6 hours. And winds, gusting away to slow me down as I walk. And I’ll have to walk in the boots I’d gotten in CT, to wear when cutting wood for the fire that brought joy to Moe and Ev and as I cleared snow from their drive. The boots that dug into my heel when I walked in the first VT snow… for the sake of getting a well-paying job here, in what WAS to be my new “Home” and has become my new “Night-mare”! – Yes, I’ll do what I must, blndly. Just the old KADIMA again this morning… and, as usual, I’ll do it… ALONE, ALONE… ALL ALONE. PJ has no way of getting here. Poor fellow walks into Burlington and back most often. Janice is an hour’s drive away. I can’t, and certainly don’t expect them to go out of their way to come to my aid. (But, quite honestly, I’ve wished, with my ALL that one of them would have offered to intervene, mediate… Janice has Shelley’s phone number. A call on my behalf? Gee… I’ve come all this way to find another Mat and Helene! Imagine? The old “We’re right here for ya!”… as long as all is going well. – Well, it’s 5.20. The clock runs along and so must I. Off on the run, the RUN! To see what I can salvage of this. I was considering the Sunday bus from Price Chopper (a considerable walk from here) into Burlington Police Station. I see now, the first one arrives there at 11.20! 20 minutes too late. This, like everything else in my (return to) “existence”, is complicated, difficult, horrific, terrorising! And why not? What’s worse: Atropa and meds are in NY… in storage… that is also about to disappear. – I’ll have to come up with another way… another way out. Another way to Peace. I’ve no money. On the last pack of cigarettes. And, as the wind RUSHES out-side in the darkness, my entire being trembles… ALONE. – I can’t take this! Not here. Not anu longer. My head is aching, as if being driven full of heavy nails!

04/12/2011 at 22:51 11
21.45 NorthStar42 What a miserable morning! What an educational experience! What a delightful evening. I’m exhausted. The texting all morning, the almost argument with Kelly. The lies! Then hanging with Janice (YAY) and another evening in… ST. ALBANS! Yeah! But tonight I’ve my final 5 cigs left, am exhausted and tomorrow’s back to work.

05/12/2011 at 6:38 40
* Sunday 4 Déc: Woke at the usual 4.30 this morning and began packing. If all was to go the way it normally has gone in times like these, I would be going through this alone. And, if that was to be the case, I was to find myself out, in the world, standing on the street, pondering the questions: Where am I going to go? What am I to do? and How am I going to do it? And I was to be very much alone. I thought: They’ll come in, ask no questions, listen to no reason, make no negotiations, grab everything, toss it out the door. After all, this is not NYC where I absolutely know the law and where I had firm ground on which to stand. This is VT where, although I’ve learned the law, there’s no guarantee the law will be followed or even up-held. They may come to toss me, but it won’t be in pieces. Pack, and things will be ready to be dragged about. – Today is Sunday. There are no busses running. It’s about 10km into Burlington where emergency services MIGHT be available. It’s to be quite a long walk. I have to make that walk as easy as possible. I packed. Alone. – Packing was about done… a text; PJ! At 6.00! He was awake! That was a comfort and a welcome surprise. Somebody actually cared enough to be awake, be there to offer… support. No way could he come into Shelburne however. I’m still going to be alone. But imagine? He was awake, there, in some way. – The texting went on and on. It was, in some way, rather annoying. Stopping to tap some comment or reply. No voice. No speaking. Just confined to tapping… in silence… alone. The silence was, as is said, deafening. But somebody cared. – The texts received were repetitions of all the statutes I’d spent 3 hours learning only the day before however. I niw KNOW the law. I didn’t need to have them texted onto the phone! What I needed was to have someone or domething tangible to present to up-hold those statutes! It all became frustrating. The depressing. – I needed help. I needed direction. I needed a destination for when I foumd myself standing on the Shelburne Road, in the howling wind, alone! That’s whatI needed. That wasn’t coming. I needed some enforcement of the law! I needed somebody who was in a position to do just that. But, I knew I wasn’t going to get that. That’s not how my existence runs. – There’s a highly tauted telephone number here, in the area; the “Cure-all” for ALL sorts of “help”, one-stop shopping for assistance in times of… 211. I dialed. A recording told me that it was available Monday through Friday, 9 to 5. How insane is that? Emergency and disastre help… but only during regular business hours? However, if I needed “emotional suppory” I could press 6 to talk with someone. At this juncture, TALKING would be most welcome. I pressed. “Thank me for calling Suicide Prevention…” WHAT? I hadn’t been thinking suicide at that moment. And if I had been, I certainly didn’t/wouldn’t eant some idiot telling me I’ll get through this just fine and that nothing is so bad that I should firfuet my life for it. Somebody sitting in a comfy chaur, getting paid enough to support a home, somrbody who wasn’t about to be thrown into this morning’s winds! BULL-SHIT indeed! – Enough! It was time to take the next attempt. I might lose everything but, better to fight a battle and lose than sit back and lose because I didn’t try something… everything. If I was to be on the road anyway, I’d find a destination now: the police station. Burl? SoBurl? Shlbrn? I looked for the distance info on each. 10km for the 2 Burlingtons and only 6 ir so to Shelburne. And, after all, that is wher. I am. I could leave everything right here and walk the distance, conduct the business necessary and return, before the imposed dead-line! I texted PJ of my intention, he replied with some Police-related printed dogma/statute then suggested telephoning instead. Well, perehaps that would be the better method. Perhaps, though I seriously doubted, they’d be kind enough to send along an officer, law “enforcement”, someone who’d either up-hold the law or might be able to transport me and mine off to where I wouldn’t be a specatcle… or who’d make an appearance, kindly inform me there was nothing to be done and send me on my way. Telephone. Why not? It was now 7.28, time was slipping by. I dialed.

05/12/2011 at 6:51 11
*Sunday: “Dispatch”… I took a breath, the words came out, detatched from me. I was stating facts, un-related to me. “Your name, date of birth”. I provided. “An officer will be on the lie to talk with you…” Yes, indeed. Meanwhile, they’ll do a quick run-down on my back-ground. Fair. And I’ll get to see what, if anything, appears. I held…

05/12/2011 at 18:11 52
*Sunday (from the library) I was put on hold for a while and the dispatcher returned. I’d given him a nick-name, not expecting to need anything other. But of course, he asked for the “birth” name. I gave it. I was put on hold for a while again. When the officer returned, I simply told him the particulars: I arrived in VT 43 days ago, have been here, at the North Star for 42 days at present, merely several days late with the weekly rent and have been given the ultimatum to pay or leave by 11:00am this morning. Office Steve was professional and non-committal. I couldn’t expect anything more or less. He told me that there were certain laws governing this situation. He couldn’t be specific because he couldn’t actually know whether or not I actually have been here over 30 days. He explained the owner’s situation which I said I completely understand as well. Then came the kabash! I had to wait until action was taken and call them back while I was actually being tossed! Well, what could I do? I thanked him… and almost dropped. I was hoping they’d at least offer to contact somebody and advise against any action. Well, that’s the way the world works of late… non-committal and suspicious. – Next item in line? Text Janice to see what she had to say on the matter. I’ve come to trust her very much, indeed. The voice of reason and logic. I didn’t exactly expect to receive any reply at this hour of the morning (7.28 or so)but there it was! The reply. We’d both researched and found Shelley’s home telephone number (or at least we’re assuming we have) so the advice was… call her! THAT, I said, would take a LOT out of me because I wasn’t sure that it was the proper thing to do, if the timing was alright, was I invading privacy (Janice assured me that the way we both found the number made it perfectly fine). But she kept on insisting. This went back and forth for a while until I thought (as Janice pointed out): What have I to lose at this juncture? Call and get tossed or not call and get tossed. I decided to go for it. At 9.22, the first call went out… – The phone rang a bit. Someone picked up and dialed (on ToughTone) several digits, the line went quiet. I said “Hello?” No response. I repeated. No response. I rang off and tried again… Occupied… bzzbzzbzz. I texted Janice. Our conversation continued… along with repeated “Call her!”. I continued to call the number and continued getting the “Occupied” signal. – Well OK. – As all of this was taking place, the messages were coming in from PJ, quoting all the law information that I’d already gotten whilst in the library yesterday! I was tired, hungry, anxious and in no mood for the constant interruption of messages that were, at this point, un-necessary! I was a wits’ end and seriously considering just taking a walk down the road and throwing my-self into Lake Champlain, figuring that the cold of the water would give me cramps or heart-attack and taking my “life energy” out of me. I was at the very end of the ropes. This is NOT what I’d come to this state for! This was NOT supposed to be the way it was going. But here I was… annoyed, frightened and alone! – Then came the breaker: Janice asked if I had a copy of the Renters’ Guide! I texted: “That’s exactly what I WISH I had!” and she went into action… offering to print what information I needed and to bring it down to Shelburne! I almost told her not to bother, but something said “No fight… all loss. Lose, but lose fighting, not retreating.” She kept in touch all the while she researched and printed and then came the message: On my way! I didn’t know what to think or do at this point. Imagine? After all the years of my doing for others, here, now, when I need (albeit at the last moment), somebody steps up and forward to help me! It made the matter SO much easier to handle. Should someone come to the door I now could say: I’m waiting for someone to come in from… I was a LOT calmer now… and I continued to try to contact Shelley and continued to get the same bzzbzzbzzb. (At some point, Janice tried as well… just to be sure, I suppose.) – I waited… alone… watching out the window, jolting at any sound close to the wall.

05/12/2011 at 22:01 22
TONIGHT 2,5hrs talk with Shelley! Kelly never told her about the situation then painted ME to be the shit! – No cigs and my nerves are shot! – Adecco rang about 17.00, I got yhe Chase job! – Making too many mistakes here. Got to stop.

06/12/2011 at 3:07 07
2.01 NS42 Just woke from dream: I’m on chemo! Cyst. Right side of face. Paliation only. – Reality: posted to Twitter for help with buspass42. No shit now. – 2 hours more sleep… from since about 21.30.

06/12/2011 at 6:09 13
4.58NS42 I’m in so much pain. My arms, wrists, fingers, legs, just pain. Nerves. Aggravation. Anxiety. Time off tomorrow. Talk with Cathy (if she hasn’t been brain-washed into believing I’m shit). And the comment from Shelley last night:

WE’RE BUSINESS PEOPLE HERE. WE KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE. I CAN MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO GET AN APARTMENT IN THE CITY (BTV).

06/12/2011 at 6:29 02
*Sunday 4Déc: As I waited, standing, peeking through the blinds, out into the parking lot,I glanced at the mobile phone… 11.11am. AFTER 11! The time had arrived. The battle was about to begin. But the parking lot was empty and all was calm.. Before the storm? -The message: “Waiting to turn onto Shelburne Rd”. Janice was in BTV! I felt quite a bit better now as I waited for the door to fly open and the “boyfriend” to barge in with fists at the ready. Hey! I don’t know these people any more! To go from charming and friendly to 15 hour ultimatums? – At about 11.30 or so, Janice pulled into the parking lot. Wouldn’t come to the door, waited in the car. Wouldn’t get out of the car. Never left the car. But there… THERE were the pages of the Renters’ Guide! OK. I could go in calmly now, with evidence that I know what I’m talking about… Janice… left me alone, not waiting to see if somebody WOULD come to fight or if I WOULD be tossed… We get to see just how far people will go to provide support… I went into the office… ALONE… (Saturday, 10 Decembre 10.30 at the St. Albans Library!) Kelly was on the phone with I don’t know whom. She looked up, politely said “Goodmorning…”. I indicated that I would wait for her to finish her conversation on the phone and she said “That’s alright. Do you have money or are you leaving?” “Neither right now. There seems to be something new that’s come up.” I said, and put the print-out on the desk. She never took the phone away from her face, didn’t bother to really look at the pages laid in front of her. “It seems that there are laws covering this and I’m to understand that my status here has changed from “guest” to “resident” because I’ve been here over 30 days. I knew that law existed in NY but was told that it didn’t in Vermont. When I spoke with an office at Shelburne police this morning…” “YOU CALLED SHELBURNE PD!?” she snapped. “Well, of course I did. I had questions and they were the only ones available at that hour this morning.” I said, calmly. I explained that, according to the law, I can’t simply be thrown out of the place, that there are laws and legal issues involved. I defended myself in-so-far-as the fact that I’ve been honest and forth-right with her all along and that she chose to simply call me at 8:00pm on a Saturday night and dictate the ultimatum of “pay-up or get out” and that that was improper, a sudden change of attitude toward me and certainly not enough time to find a place to go to. I also said that I was taken by surprise at her sudden change of approach and didn’t believe I deserved that. Her response was: well, you have to pay the whole amount due. “That may or may not be a law… well… I guess it is a law because you have it right there, but that doesn’t change anything. Shelley’s used to this kind of thing and you might think that it takes 14 days but I’ve seen her do it all in only 7. So don’t think you’ll be staying here.” When I asked where Shelley was and why she wouldn’t contact me herself, since she’s the owner, Kelly said that she’d be in this evening and that I should call the desk or come into the office, ask if she (Shelley) had a few minutes to talk and maybe I could settle it then. I asked if Shelley was back from Aruba yet… Kelly didn’t even know. I pointed-out that she’d (Kelly) been telling me that Shelley was back during the week and that there was so much conflicting information. “I’ve only talked to her twice while she was away and even then it was only short, quick calls.” – The information was obviously lies all along. But that ended the mess for the present time. There was nothing to say. I told her I’d look for Shelley this evening… again and left the office with my paper-work. – I went back to the room, texted Janice of the events. A message: she would come fetch me, we could go to her Mum’s. I wanted to get out of that place. I wasn’t feeling very well and… I had no cigarettes. The stress of the entire fiasco was getting to me and staying in that room, or simply being alone was not what I wanted at this juncture. I was feeling to “ALONE” suddenly. – Janice came, we talked about the situation in the car. We stopped at her Mum’s and then we headed up to St. Albans! YAY! – She took me to the supermarket, the video store. We had taco dinner. Dough came by. It’s becoming so comfortable here so quickly. I feel as if I’ve been here for several years instead of several weeks. – When it was time to return, Doug drove me back. We talked about hunting, camping, Vermont… then he got on the topic of his private life and hinted about the relationship between Janice and I. (He should only know… I haven’t said anything about Gay. But I just don’t feel it’s necessary to mention it. Although, it might make things easier for him. In time… in time.) We sat in the parking lot for the longest while and I was feeling none too comfortable about it. But, so as not to raise suspicion on his part, I sat, listening to him. Then I said that I had to get inside, get ready for sleep. I had to work tomorrow. – In the room, I felt uncomfortable being in there, alone. I just don’t trust these people here any more. It’s a damned shame really. I didn’t come to VT to experience the same crap here that I expect from NY. – Quickly got ready for bed… lights out. The saga would recommence tomorrow, but tonight, I had to think about resting for work… WORK! I need an income and won’t let anything come in the way of that!

10/12/2011 at 12:17 46
*Monday 5 Décembre – (from the St. Albans library): Went to work as usual this morning. Here too, as before in my life, work is my distraction. It keeps me occupied with things other than the un-necessary “drama” at the residence. – This evening, I came in, went to my usual routine of putting something together to eat. I was starved! And, I thought, if I had to talk with Shelley, I needed something in my stomach. I hadn’t eaten since last night’s tacos. – At about 18.15 the room phone rang. I answered politely: “This is Shelley at the front desk.” “Hello! Welcome back.” “Thank you. I hear you’re behind in the rent. Would you like to explain that to me?” Well, of course I would, I’ve been waiting to explain that for you for about a week already… – Shelley didn’t know about any of this (so she claims) until just today when, allegedly, Kelly told her that I’m behind in the rent, have been giving her some “bullshit about trouble with the banquet” (Shelley’s version of what Kelly allegedly told her today) and that I’ve been told to get out but am refusing to leave. – The kicker: SHELLEY SAYS “I’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH A LOT OF LOW-LIFES IN THIS PLACE AND I MIS-JUDGED YOU. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFFERENT BUT NOW I SEE YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN THEM.” SHE WENT ON SOME TIRADE ABOUT BURLINGTON PEOPLE BEING “SCUM-BAGS” THEN CHANGED IT. THEY’RE WORSE THAN THAT, THEY’RE “DOUCHE-BAGS” AND I’M REALLY SORRY THAT I MIS-CALLED IT WHEN YOU CAME IN HERE. I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D TURN OUT TO BE ONE OF THEM TOO.” OK! So now I’m in those categories! She all but refused to listen to anything I was telling her through the conversation. But… I offered to sign my entire pay-cheque over to her; would that be OK until I caught up? “If it’s drawn on Teddy Bear…” and then she insisted that “there are plenty of places that give money for back rent. You just have to go and ask for it and they give you money.” When I said I don’t know Burlington, don’t know the social services aspect, she stated spouting churches and other places, oblivious to the fact that it wasn’t a matter of just walking in, telling them I need money and having them hand me an envelope full of cash to walk out with. – Then the conversation when personal: her stay in Aruba was wonderful. The hotel catered to every need. Everything was perfect, the way it should be at the North Star. The topics bounced as she talked. She wants to take her Dad to Florida right after Christmas. Close the place until May. THE ROOM SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN RENTED BECAUSE IT NEEDS “DEEP CLEANING”. IT’S CATHY’S FAULT THAT I’M IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER BUT “you said you didn’t mind”. “I COULD MAKE THAT ROOM VERY CHARMING.” Add… “KELLY SAID YOU JUST STOPPED PAYING THE RENT AFTER I LEFT.” (as if I’d waited for her (Shelley) to leave and try to pull something on her). Shelley didn’t know (allegedly anything about this until she came into the office this afternoon. “I WANT TO GO TO COURT AND CONTEST THAT 30-DAY LAW! IT MAKES NO SENSE. YOU DON’T JUST GO FROM BEING A GUEST TO A RESIDENT BECAUSE YOU STAY HERE FOR 30 DAYS! IT’S KELLY’S FAULT. SHE NEVER SHOULD HAVE SWIPED YOUR PAYMENT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE BOOK! (Janice has been right all along… Kelley knew her mistake and wanted me out to cover her job!) – Then Shelley says “LOOK. TAKE YOUR MONEY ON FRIDAY AND GO FIND SOME PLACE CHEAPER TO STAY. I’LL EAT THE 500$.” “THIS IS A BUSINESS. WE’RE BUSINESS PEOPLE. WE KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE AND I CAN MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO RENT ANYPLACE IN THE CITY.” “KELLY’S BOYFRIEND WAS GOING TO GO TO YOUR DOOR AND GIVE YOU A PIECE OF HIS MIND. I TOLD HER NOT TO LET HIM DOTHAT BECAUSE HE’S NOT AN EMPLOYEE OF THE MOTEL.” “KELLY SHOULD HAVE MADE YOU LEAVE FOR THE 24 HOURS BETWEEN STAYS. SHE MADE THE MISTAKE. I WANTED YOU TO LEAVE BUT KELLY AND CATHY SAID YOU’RE REALLY A NICE GUY. IT WAS MY OWN BAD JUDGEMENT.” “THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING HERE BUT THEY EXPECT TO GET PAID. I HAVE OPERATING EXPENSES!” “3 GUESTS COMPLAINED THAT THEY NEVER GOT ANY SERVICE, KELLY GAVE THEM BAD ATTITUDE, THE OFFICE WAS CLOSED EARLY!” – The conversation lasted until 20.45 when she put me on hold to attend to somebody at the desk. I rang off… nothing was settled, but I was offended to be put into those categories with those kinds of people.

23/12/2011 at 6:26 12
*Tues. 6 Dec.11 (Journalling on Fri.23@4.49,BelAire fm. Notes) NorthStar42 17.48 Temperature 21,5 and COLD. I’ve been smoking jar-butts today. With the general stress of no money, no shelter, no-one beside me for even moral support, I’m out of cigarettes. THIS is actually physically painful now. Stress is manifesting as pain in my arms, like muscle spasms. – (I “Noted”: Tough work. Today, I don’t know what that meant.) Cathy didn’t work today. I want to talk with her. She’s been kind toward me and I’d just like to tell her that I’m appreciative of that and have never disparaged her. I’m certain she’s heard contrary. – I went to put the garbage out and, of course, had to see Kelly; she gave me a silent, nasty glare. No sense in taking it to heart any longer. She screwed up and is now blaming me. I can’t address it any longer. It’s done and she’s convinced herself that I’m the prick. Time to move on about it. -Today’s “meal” was peanut-butter on 2 small rolls, a tin of peaches and some oatmeal. I don’t want to throw any food away so I’m eating what’s left here. – No TV all day. No interest any more. – I’m dozing-off all the time. This is draining me terribly. – Actually got a “voice” call fm Janice today! It didn’t accomplish much but “voice” instead of text! How novel! By 20.25… Sleep. Nothing more to do or say about this day. It just becomes increasingly oppressive.

23/12/2011 at 7:15 35
*Wed.7Déc11@19.34 Alarms at 4.30 4.43: I lay in bed pondering until 6.30! -This morning I’ve taken pics of this dump. I’m not sure why, exactly. I suppose it’s more so that I’ll remember, but then, I’ll have something to show what the hell (Hell, indeed) I’ve paid so dearly for. Too bad I didn’t photo “before” I did all the cleaning. -About 10.30 I noticed Cathy was on today so I went down to the office. Walked the hall in the “main” building and found her cleaning in one of the rooms. We spoke, I gave her my card, told her I’ve never spoken neg. about her. She said likewise. But, in the course of our chat, I’ve earned:
•Shelley speaks terribly of me to staff and probably others
•Shelley’s father is bastard, mother is sweet
•Shelley’s parents have a great deal of money
•Shelley defrauded Welfare for 93k$ when the North Star housed Irene victims
•SHELLEY TOLD CATHY TO COME INTO THE ROOM & SEARCH THROUGH MY THINGS! Cathy refused! I told her to go ahead to save her job.
•Shelley speaks disgustingly of and about Cathy, claiming drug abuse
•Shelley fancies herself as invaluable to BVT/Shlbrne
And probably a lot more but I’m dozing off here! – So! I finally hot to talk with Cathy and that made me feel a bit better; having squared things with her. I was off to the rest of the day… – Shelburne Rd. bus into Burlington for the Williston bus to Adecco. Had to do the “drug test” for this Chase gig. But of course, the Clinic is back in BTV on Pine. So… Back into town. NO prob. I walked down Pine to get there JUST as they cloaed for their 30min. lunch. Then some woman in a lab coat tells me that I was supposed to have signed on some clip-board. Alas and oh well. I’ve no “agenda” today… no “Life”… no worth… no prob. Really. – At 13.00 the Lab opened, I went along. The Clinician was sweet. We talked about VT. She assured me, I’ll be happy here. I’m in need of assuring people now; I’m beginning to feel “alone”… no voice communication, only text, nobody truly cares.., again. – I left the clinic, walked up to the P.O. – Scarves from Nancy arrived. DELIGHTFUL! One for Janice and one for PJ! I went right over to DoL too give Janice her scarf. -I have to cont tomorrow too tired now (19.53) -PJ came into town! We strolled over to BurlPD for renters’ manual (they had old copy from 1985, it seems that was the first, the last, the everything edition, so I’m better eith the copy I have with the “up-date” in it). – Then, a stroll up to the “Welfare/FoodStamp” office where I got the application. Might as well. No telling where thingd will be going at this rate. -Next? Stroll about Church St. I’d been trying to BUY a cigarette all day, offering 50cents each, but nobody had or wantrd to sell! Finally! A young woman sold 2! What a delightful and enjoyable relief. (I’d actually smoked a half I’d found on the steps at the Welfare. – On to City Mkt. PJ did some shoping for me, some for him, on FS. But I used my ONE dollar (found out-side DoL) to pay a damned coffee! Hey! I don’t mind. And PJ’s being kind, telling me to get what food I want… though, I know calories needed, he thinks health/organic. I need calories. – When we’d finished our nosh, I walked him back to Winooski. – Today’s food intake? Butter on bread, 2 PopTarts.

23/12/2011 at 7:44 46
*Thu.8 Dec.11: 20.16
-Snow this morning! And I JUST missed bus to work! – I’m conscious of foot-prints in the snow, indicating my leaving. But came back into the room, briefly to wait for the next bus. The short walk fm. Museum to Bear wasn’t all too bad. not a bad. I got iin at 7.38 (worked to 15.32) and it was a day of lots of satisfued custs. – I asked for and got part time for wk of 19th do I can wotk BOTH Chase AND TeddyBear! The sad news? My last day at VTB is 22 Dec. Just as I’m in the swing and getting to talk with folks. Oh well…
– At the library this evening, the photos of NorthStar 42 on DAwpJournal! OK Shelley Vinal… think me an ass, but you play your games and well, I won’t. – Two replies to my advert on Craigslist for a room. One, right down the Shelburne Rd! 200$/week! – Janice got me fm lib took me to PriceChopper, paid me hot chicken, frosting. Something to eat and HOT food! Bless you Janice! -No “shelbitch” tonight. – disgustingly tired… always tired… TIRED!

23/12/2011 at 7:59 10
*Friday 9 Déc 4.41
-At 2.00 this morning some folks in 41
-I only half-slept all night
-Can’t say why
-Need haircut
-Need to get out of here
-payday. Please over 200!
-Almost a whole week of no cigs… Why do I still crave so terribly? (even in PenHosp)
-Met a woman who was visiting at VTB who knows Cathy Carol! I gave her my card to give Cathy. I wonder what that’ll do! Hopefully it won’t get to Orange ir Dutchess.

Sat.10: No notes for today. A “lost” day. My brain cells are dying!

Sun11Dec 11:
– Passed the day alone. Walked into BTV, alone, primarily yo get away from NorthStar.
-walked back from BTV in the dark
-McD for McRib meal
-Really COLD on rest of walk
-teeth chattered
-came in as phone rang (19.00)
-couldn’t shake the bone-chill
-no light on
-Kelly AND Shelley in office
-Kelly watched my window fm the office
-got ready and into bed in the dark
-in bed by 20.00
-the cold was bone-deep

Monday 12.12
-Up at 3.00 waited for alarm
-journalling in the dark
-COLD!!!!! in the bone

Tues 13.12 The “Hell” morning/Heaven evening. – All night last night the wall-banging & shrieking didn’t stop! ALL night. Even at 4.20 this morning it was going on. I said nothing, but I didn’t sleep. – At 4.50 I called VTB. Looking at trying to lug things into the office w/no place to go. – At 9.46 I rang Robin: could I come early, 12-12.30? Of course, she said, glad we can help you. – Rang Kelly. I’d leave by 11. Fine. – Showered. Packed. Called for cab rates: Green at 10$, Benway at 13$… for a distance I’ve walked many times! But the bus? The luggage? NO! – Then it came: Bed made, room “clean”, I took a photo as proof, opened the door. I’ll miss the white pine outside the door, the view to the Adirondacks. I eon’t miss the filth, stench of smoke, the whores… staff & “guests”. But this has been “home” for over a month, my 1st place in VT. I made my way to the office… Kelly… on the phone.

BEL AIRE…

Wed. 14.12 Bus. Work. “Home” Hot ravioli. Tripadvisor refuses to post my original, positive review of North Star. Hmm… suspicious. There’s more to that place than I know. And I’m most suspicious about why Shelley didn’t go to court and why she’d let 750$ ride as she did. I recall how Kelly snapped “You CALLED Shelburne PD!?” as did Shelley. – But it’s a pleasure to come to this place, the Bel Aire. It’s clean, welcoming, warm.

Thu. 15.12 5.02 BelAire15 WIND!!! Not cold but Damned Windy! It’s slamming against the bldg and rushing through the pines out back. Rain in the forecast. – Finally found on-line application to BES and sent it in at about 4.30. It’s back to a Shelter now. No choice. No $ to get back to NY until tomorrow. But that means Shelter too! – Well… this VT move? Tough. But this is VT. Not NY… – A call from “JD” at BES today! The apl. was rc’d! I returned the call, appt. at 18.00. Shelter… again. – Stopped by the office this evening when I got back fm work. Asked if I could stay another night. In conversation, Robin mentioned: I don’t rent monthly, don’t rent weekly because we get local trash, but I’d rent to you. I lightly asked how much. 225. 25 less than the shitbox whorehouse? I was thrilled! – Walked up to BES. Very cute, clean. Some guy knew I was coming. Spoke at length with JD. Told him I’ve a place for a week. He was OK. Not TOO much religion fm him. – Spoke w/Motek tonight as I stood in rain on Cherry waiting for bus. – Wonderful to come back to Bel Aire… in the rain. – I do like being in VT.

Fri. 16 Dec: Chase fukked me! No start until the 27th! I am so fukked… Chase again. Shit! – I’d put ny VTB ID in the return box already but thought I cd get more hours next week. Got back in, retrieved my ID, went to HR to ask abt staying. Ref’d to “Sched”. Found her in the store. ‘Over-staffed next wk. Some were even released fm work. It might have been me anyway… part-time hrs might have screwed me. (bloodyfukking Chase! I don’t want their goddamned job now! Must get another, tell Addeco/Chase to eat shit!) But PLEASE come baxk for Val.Day! – Rang Adecco. No reason fm Chase. Yeah. Right. FUK U! – *** On the bus into BTV, over-heard a woman tell: I worked for -some company- through Adecco; I’ll NEVER do that again! -OK! Life is tellin’ ME sonethin’n – 16.52 Williston/u mall bus to WalMart. No fukking idea where I’m going. And 28$ to my name after rent tonight. Fukfukfuk!!! – Made it to WalMart… ALONE! Got coffee, cigs., 2 boxes PopTarts, half’n’half, 6 bratwursts… 21$! The bus back was right there when I got out! – Long ride back. Wow! The traffic was a total night-mare! Everybody in VT on the road! – Stupidly rode to Cherry. Should’ve gotten off at Winooski. But not bad. Walked back to BrlAire. Paid Robin. Chatted a bit. She’s like a Mum! – Came in, COOKED 3 brats, had PopTarts. – House-keeping had been in: fresh towels, waste bin moved. Wow! Attention! – Texted Janice and PJ a bit. Some TV. Shower. To bed by about 23.00.

23/12/2011 at 8:11 53
Samedi 17.Déc.11
8.06 A bit of snow fell last night. And I woke at about 7.00. It’s calm, quiet. Have had a coffee, bm. Normal. Stepped out for a smoke. So pleasant. – The Chase crap: I’ve the much-needed time now to get food fm Food Shelf AND find better work! I’ve the time to paint (for extra $). It will be a PRODUCTIVE week! – I STILL can’t quite “get” being in VT. Maybe because I’m so close to Champlain & that, in my mind, is Plattsburgh which is NY. But… fact is… I’m in VT! – KADIMA!!! – What a day! Light snow all day. And all day, in… a new water-colour. Cotmans are muddy. I’m not too happy with the piece. But I’ll “save” it. – PJ wants me to go to Boston with him on Tuesday. Janice sent a few texts. Quiet all day. – The bratwurst kicked my insides. I finished them today. No more food. None. – It’s just past midnight. 9 cigs left. – Day is done. – Not much different ftom NYC: talked with no-one. – Temp is -11•

Sunday 18 17.22 Finished the water-colour this morning! And the review on TripAdvisor got published! – At about 14.00 took a stroll up to the lake, sketched the Adirondacks. Air temp -6 (it was -13 when I woke). But the sun was delightfully warm. – PJ down with sore throat. He wants me to drive with him to Boston on Tues. morn at 3.00. I’m “considering”. He’s pussing me off with constant texts and the fact that they repeat… coming in 7 at a time! I tell him to e-mail but the texts keep coming! Bet, that and his neurotics about “crowds”, the “no job and not trying”, talk about having been in HomeCare… I’m wondering… something’s not “right”. – 17.30 Watching a special with Mitsou. Nuns in habits. St.Paul. How it hits me tonight: Charity. And me, in this beautiful room, fridge & micro… nothing to eat, looking at the FoodShelf tomorrow. This evening, I took a bite from the last stick of butter just to kill the hunger-burn. And tonight I think: When I most need someone, again, I’m alone. Tomorrow I’ll be going for food… alone. Well… OK then. Learn now, who’ll be there. Live accordingly. – Jeans hanging in shower. Washed. – Txt just in: PJ might be able to pick me up (in the Beamer) tomorrow, take me to FoodShelf. I’ll certainly not plan/count on it. And… I tell him to e-mail, it comes as text! – Oh… scraped together enough for a pack of PallMalls. Ick! – 17.41 Another bloody TEXT! Yes… something not “not right”… something “WRONG”! Ostie d’tabarnak lá!

Mon.19.Déc.11 7.12 Started a “Winter”painting this morning. – My stomach is full of acid & my bowels fee as if they want to “flush”. Hunger has turned to nausea. – It’s about -6• out-side. It should be quite comfortable in here, but the fatigue of hunger, & the stress of being in work-days (the count-down, as it were) is causing fatigue & cold. Cigs are going quickly too. Pall Malls are not Camels. I woke at about 5.30 to the country station. The alarm was set for 4.30. Not good. – I was supposed to be well on my way to work, at Chase, this morning, by this time. I’d have been at work at TeddyBear by now. Ominous. – I worry about where I’ll go on Friday morning. Will I have the rent for Steve? Will he have changed his mind already? Or… by then? It drains me. I’m tired & cold. – I’ll have to handle the events of today, alone. In just under 2 months I’ve come to know… Can’t rely on anyone… still. -Must nap. So fatigued!
*FOOD* Name, addr, DOB, empl, FS, residence, fam sz, Irene. And “Pam”? Bless you dear young lady for taking me in & explaining. *FOOD*
.Mac&Cheese(OurSpecialty)
.Mac&Cheese(Shaws)
.Rotini,WholeWheat(Heartland)
.Tortelini(CoraBella,226g bag,4chese)
.Bread,SesameWheat(O Bread/Shlburn)
.Oatmeal(Diamond,1,36kgbag)
.Collards(Glory, bag)
.SweetPotatoes(Dunbar,tin)
.GreenBeans(Shaws,tin)
.Garbanzos(Goya,tin)
.Soup/Veg.(Shaws,tin)
.Soup/Chkndle(MyEssentials,tin)
.WhiteFish(Manischewitz, jar)
.Tuna(BumbleBee.solidAlbacore)
.ApplePie(Hannaford)
.AppleSauce(Shaws, no sugar)
.Peaches(Taste o’The West, tin)
Was there & back by 11.30. It’s 12.26, I had a mac’n’cheese, 2 slices bread, a bit of apple pie, coffee. FOOD! -Now a rest & into BTV! Job, FoodStamps! – Got the bus into town at about 13.00/30. Directly to 3Squares office where, imagine, PostagePaid envelopes! The woman at the window told me it’s quicker to mail. OK. So I did. – Somethong fm TD at PO. I won’t open it. I don’t have the guts for it. – DoL next. PJ texted he was en route. I needed to job-hunt! Was going to re-vamp CV for agencies, but Janice came through: Info on Border/Immigration jobs! A local garden centre! Good stuff! – Coffee at DunkinDonuts with Janice & PJ. – Janice invited me to the house for Xmas wk-end. Yes, to accept would be delightful. No, I don’t want to falala. AND, I’m thinking: One more week’s rent coming on Friday and … nothing. -Got the change of address to PIC today! So FoodStamps appl. & PIC done. Good, good. – Walked to Winooski with PJ for pasta dinner & a loungey evening. He still marvels over the fact that we “met” over Twitter & how, just short of 2 months here, it seems I’ve been here longer. – Grabbed the last bus out of Winooski. Didn’t take the last bus out of BTV… walked. It was a warm night (0• or so). – Apple pie before bed and… day done round mid-night.

Tue.20 Chanukah 1. 8.42 Painting. 2 cigs left. Soon to get out. DoL. Apply to the garden place! It could be fun. It could be income. But truthfully, I’m looking at shelter. I need to pay the phone! I need to pay storage! I need rent money! Chase fukked me. – Walked into town, later than planned. Clear skies, not terribly cold. Listened to music as I walked. Went directly to DoL to get an “agency” (all inclusive) CV done and apply to Gardener’s.?- Janice came out as I was working on “Immigration” aplication. (Funny, I can’t use “DHS”: Homeless Svces/Homeland Security-how sick is that?) She suggested VT govt. as well. Seems people believe French is my “ace” but I’m not finding that. – She took me to coffee/donut at Dunkin. Wants me to come to the house for Xmas. Yes, I’m thankful. But I’ve got to get housing! and a JOB! – I worked on a govt. CV until 16.00… alone. Time to become solitary here… fend for myself. – Walked back to BelAire. – Dinner: white fish (had to struggle to open jar), collards, finished apple pie, had bread, butter, sugar too (sugar from Dunkin). -STEVE rang! I STILL HAVE THE ROOM! He offered transport to Chase because he goes past en route to his job! We talked 1hr55mins! He says my humour and life philosophy remind him of a good friend who moved to CT. So much good now, fukked by the one week of lost income!!! – Decision: a) stay at BA another week, no rent money for Jan. b) go to shelter on Friday, have rent for Steve for ONE week then nothing. c) go to shelter, pay phone and storage, lose room/housing. – I sent an e-mail to PJ: find an agency that helps with rent. Response? “I’ll try…” I know it won’t happen. – Looked-up those “fast cash” places. Total re-pay in 14 days with 385% interest!

Wed. 21:Winter! 7.58 The phone alarm at 4.20. Radio at 4.23. Woke at slmost 6.30! I sleep… restless… wake exhausted. Tomorrow night… tomorrow night. – Out of smokes. Running out of bath soap. Growing hateful of Chase. Not happy about Adecco either… last minute changes. I’m no longer planning on either. – Tired this morning. – This is the worst time to not have cigarettes! – Off to DoL today: finish Fed and State applications. -8.13 My bowels just keep moving! Not diareha. Just “moving”. – Storm watch today. Figures.
– LEWIS NY: Girl (16 y/o) found dead!
-BTV: Peter O’Toole, 56, homeless, dued last night, hypothermia. Vigil in City Hall.
-Janice was at “Mumzy’s”, sent text:did I want to accompany her to the store?She came by, waited in the car, wouldn’t come in. – Hannafords. I checked the price of Bugler: 7$and change! 8$ at the little store next-door to the motel! Same thing I paid 2,50$ for, on 2nd Ave, not so long ago! I’m getting fed-up with this anti-tobacco shit: Raise the prices, talk-up negatives, put the farmers out of business and strut away smugly. I know what “no work” is like. And cigarettes were fine all along. Not to mention, drug-related crimes in Montréal, rural America, Europe… NOT cigarette smokers! Then Janice says, at the cashe, “Do you need anything, want anything?” I said I did, but would ask and she JUMPED at me: “I’m not buying you cigarettes; you can quit!” (She claims she has a friend who’s having a hard time quitting… Compassion?) You know… It’s more about the “timing” issue with me. No work, no income, no housing, looking at another shelter, Chase fux up, I had the Respite job waiting, VBON is STILL playing hardball, AND I’m being denied a damned cigarette? “You can quit…” Thank you. The “Other” side of me wants to say “You can only hand me papers and useless advice that isn’t getting me any income… but you already have home and car and job.” “And you can stand there, high and mighty, make a judgement call, knowing my stress level, and simply toddle off.” Now, I am pissed. – So I came back in, ate, ate and ate more. By about 20.00, lights out. – But I finished the red barn/tree/snow painting. Nr.3!

Thurs.22.Déc: 5.42 Been awake over an hour. Sporadic WiFi. Annoyed. Painfully stressed. Decision: Death or Shelter… I’m leaning to former. – Plan of Action: DoL to post some, if not all of this on-line; must call VTB for cheque tomorrow (expecting ALL kinds of trouble and no way out); HOPE for 1 more week here AND RESOLUTIONS during that week. – The LONGEST NIGHT is done. Today, days begin to get longer again. – My guts are knotting, not like they used to in NY, but sharp, stabbing, almost needle-like. – 19.08 CVs out to Spherion & Westaff. Their records still had the NYC info! – Much long talk with that little lady (62). Nice. The things at DoL. She came from New Mexico! – I told Janice I was having a bad day,,, She walked away! – Got the BelAire another week. Shelter on Jan1st. – Tired. Want a cig! – Truth is…
If my cheque is at TeddyBear tomorrow, I’ll get it, dash to WalMart to chsnge it, dash back to BelAire to pay rent through next Thursday night/Friday morning. On Friday morning I’ll have to leave here and HOPE for a bed in the Shelter for at least 2 weeks. If the cheque isn’t available? I’ll leave TeddyBear, bolt up to BEShelter, HOPING for an empty/available bed… for 3 weeks. One way or another, holidays in a Shelter. But that’s better than… the streets… Isn’t it?

10/12/2011 at 20:30 59
At about 19.17h tonight, 10Dec.2011, the door to room 41 SLAMMED! A woman’s voice screaming “Don’t make me leave! DON’T make me leave!” BANG! The walls, ceiling and floor trembled! More screaming: “PLEASE STOP IT! PLEASE!” BANG! The place shakes again. A man’s voice yelling something indecipherable. The place rumbles… Then noise subsides for a while… 19.24h The TV is on in 41. Someone is walking heavily. 19.27h Somebody walking heavily on the porch outside. – I’m going to shower, watch Victor Borge, ignore the banging next door.

10/12/2011 at 23:55 25
22.33 North Star Motel, 2427 Shelburne Rd., Shelburne VT: Room 41 He’s BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF HER again! She was in the bath-room, crying “I want to go home!” Then things went banging. Moments later, somebody knocked on my door, twice. I started to get up (I’d gone to bed at about 20.22, Ch.22 on TV to cover the noise) but the knocking stopped. Besides, it’s probably some kind of ploy, orchestrated by Shelley Vinal to annoy me. She’s certainly capable of such a folly. As I returned to bed, short pounding on my door that stopped in quick course. – 22.41 and she’s hollering something, he’s yelling, things are banging. She’s in the bathroom. – 22.43 Somebody’s outside their room. A male voice: “OPEN THE DOOR!” “What’s going on here?” I’m not bothering to look. Hey, this isn’t the first time this kind of shit’s happened in that room. – A dog’s barking outside. – 22.47 Some voices nextdoor. Male. I’ve the TV on. – 22.50 I just peeked out through the blind: “Shelburne PD” is here. Let them handle it. Some rumbling about in 41. – I wonder if Shelley will have them address me whilst they’re here. – 22.53 Shadoes on the blinds. Someone’s standing outside the window. Voices mumbled under the TV. Walkie-talkie.

11/12/2011 at 0:12 57
22.58 A man’s voice oitside: “Nicole! Nicole! Open the door Nicole!” 2 shadows outside my window, just standing there. They move oward 41. A woman’s voice through the wall. I peer through the blind. 2 men by a car in the lot. A Police car. – 23.03 A male voice through the wall. Something bangs in 41. – 23.05 The striped car (white with green horizontal stripes, I’m assuming Shelburne PD) is still in the lot. The lights in the office seem to be off. I believe Shelley’s SUV is parked by the office. 23.09 a dog barks outside. A male’s voice mumbles through the wall. I’ve not left the bed through-out. – 23.12 Silence nextdoor.

11/12/2011 at 0:30 03
23.17 I peered out the blind a bit better. The white vehicle with stripes: POLICE. OK. I’m going back under the… 23.19 Someone walking outside. Low-voice, male, mumbling next door. – Ch.22 on all the while. – 23.21 I’m going to try for some sleep. – Well Mrs. Shelley Vinal; and you classify ME as “low-life”, “scum-bag” and “douche-bag”. I wonder, briefly, in passing, what your classification is for your “guests” in 41 this evening… And I await the knock on my door and the harassment you’ll orchestrate since you already have your “Shelburne PD” here.

11/12/2011 at 0:35 58
23.31 Thought: I can’t recall ever experiencing a situation like this in NYC. And to think, this Shelburne… VT… thinks itself so much “better” than its neighbours… This past week a man is stabbed to death; tonight, this. And I came here for quiet.

11/12/2011 at 8:48 51
7.33 Sunday 11Déc11: After last night’s drama, there’s some kind of boomboom “music” coming through the wall from 41, banging and thumping either on the floor or wall (though not on the adjoining wall). It began at abiut 7.10. – I had my alarm set for 4.30 so I could cut my hair, trim my beard, wash a few small things out, get ready for this day and the week to come. Instead, I’vr over-slept and am awake with intestinal cramps and wanting to sleep. – The thermometre on the bed-side reads 21•. It’s colder than that… Last night I tried an experiment: On the night-stand, the thermometre read 21,5• but when I put it on the floor, 14,5•. There’s no insulation in these rooms! This is VT for fux sake! No insulation? 1k$/month for this? And the violence last night… for THREE hours? Then the noise this morning? PLEASE! Let the appointment today be exceptionally great, that it works perfectly well and I can wake tomorrow in a peaceful place, rested and well, looking into a bright, peaceful, solid, stable future. Get me iut of here!

11/12/2011 at 9:06 55
7.55 The “music” is still blaring through the wall and, the female voice from last night’s trouble is yelling. Apparently, “Nicole” is still here. – CMT on the TV here. 8.02h. Thermostat on 85•F, 20•C on the thermometre and I’m shivering! I have to get this day rolling. – Taking my money here and going back to NYC is starting to tempt…

12/12/2011 at 6:45 54
*Sunday 11Déc11: (I’m journalling this the Shelter way this morning… in the dark. I wonder how Viejo is doing these days. – I doubt anybody is awake, watching my window here. But there’s a pick-up psrkrd in front of the office door and I don’t want the day to begin with bullshit.) After all the shit of Saturday night, I over-slept this morning. And for some reason, the alarms didn’t sound. Woke at 7.00 instead of 4.30. A couple of texts between Janice and I which brought me to thinking, seriously, of going back to NYC. I’m tired of this… all of it. I,d suggested that Shelley give me something in writing to bring to Welfare to get all (or most) of her rent, but she just refuses to work with me. All she wants is my entire cheque! But, right now, I can get a ticket back and… well… it’s starting to look good. Horrible; 30th Street is looking better than VT. Yes, it’s come to that. And when I look for a little help from anybody here all I get is: “she can’t…” and “you can’t…” (just give up because she has issues). She CAN and I CAN. And I’m considering. – I finally got fed-up enough and… HAIRCUT! That got acvomplished this morning. And why? Because at about 7.10, “Nicole” cranked-up her TV or boom-box, started yelling something and hit her shower. She got yo stay the night here last night, in spite of all the trouble she caused. So I git to cut my hair. – I checked for the trains out. If I go back, I’ll go by train, take the time, see the scenery. No rush. All trains are 9.00. One train every day. 53$ one way. Noted. – Got into the shower at last. I didn’t have one on Saturday night, nor on Friday night. It felt wonderful. I came out of it quite refreshed, put on the same clothes I’ve been wearing for a week and, by abiut 11.30, headed out the door… to see this place down the road, where “quiet”, the lake and a garden were to be waiting. – The sun was shining. It was a really nice day. South wind, a crispness to the air, but delightful for walking. – Well, the place isn’t far from here at all and the walk to it was really pleasant; down a side road, through trees and such quite reminiscent of the Catskills and Shongum. And yes, quiet. – I found the house very easily, walked up to the front door. Two HUGE dogs barked from with-in. I knocked. A young, 40y/o guy opened the door, holding the dogs back bade me in. Well! The dogs were so welcoming that it was actually cute. Steve introduced: Serena and Pumpkin! How cute. But the house? Like a dream package made to order! A pure delight! A bit in need of light dusting here and there, as would be expected. But a pleasure to be in. I wanted to just stay. – We talked. I git the tour. With each step, I knew I’d be quite happy and comfortable, and had the feeling it wouldn’t fall into place where I could just grab my suitcase and move in today. After 2,5 hours (noon to 14.30) I found I was right. – The room is small, but perfect! On the front. Large window, Northern light, wonderful bath-room, carpet, large closet. We talked art. He seemed happy about that. He does wood-working as a hobby. We spoke of turning part of the closet into an art nook. He even offered part of the kitchen for art space where I could paint! And a spare room on the 1st floor for “office/computer”. It was “too good”. By about 14.30 came the wammy: 1st January. He wants to shampoo the carpeting in the room, caulk the perfect loo, repair the water pressure in the house. But he did say that he thought it would certainly work between the 2 of us and if my current living situation changes, I could give him a call. A non-commital commitment was made and I found myself walking back up from the lake on a sunny day, no better off than I was on the way down that road. – Oh, en route to, I stopped in at a “deli” for a pack of cigs… I’ve been right up the road from a liquor “outlet” where I could have gotten that martini I still haven’t had! In a “deli”! VT… strange country: wine aisle in Hannaford and booze in the local deli! And fair prices. My goodness me. -Back on the Shelburne Rd. I decuded to drop into DunkinDonuts. I wasn’t coming back to the Motel Shit-box, so a stroll into BTV was on the agenda. I wanted a coffee and donut for the walk, and to see if I couldn’t hook-up with PJ or Janice today. A text here and there. No company today. So I finished my coffee and 2 donuts, looking at the “Shelburnians” coming in: thete’s a pretense about them… not quite the “VT” style. Here, they look like the kind of people who’ve made a dollar but don’t quite know how to “be appropriate” to it. A bit dressier, in a “Bog Lots” sort of fashion. – On the road up to BTV. The wind was chilly, but the sun was warmish. A perfect day for a walk. At 189, a text from PJ offering to come into town. I said “if you’re up to it” and left it at that. I continued to walk hoping for company. – As I got into town, I headed toward Pine, hoping to walk by the lake. The Adirondacks were beautiful! The sun was low in the aky already. I thiught of how close to Québec I am and, rather than going back South, probably to die in one fashion or anothet, I could toss all and try for farther Nirth, cross the border and find a nice place to go to to “go” via hypothermia. I get melancholy. Then came the message: take a cab into Winooski! A hit meal was offered. I don’t have that disposable cash. I went into the mall to warm a bit. Declined the offer, got bland msgs from Janice. I was alone. Hiw typical.

23/12/2011 at 8:26 36
Copy/Paste from “Notes” to Journal! And all’s here! OK. Not poetic, but posted. – I’ve been awake from since about 4.00. Why? I don’t know. Can’t leave for TeddyBear until 9.45, to take bus to Museum, in the rain. Rain… It’s about to be… a day. I’m certainly NOT expecting “easy anything” today! Maybe I should walk round pants-less… I’m about to be brutally fukked. May as well make it easier for the World…

23/12/2011 at 23:42 35
22.02 I’m exhausted (again). Time seems to rush by here so quickly! Days just run out, even when there’s nothing to do. But that wasn’t the case today. I woke with anxieties, as usual, and they’ve all been allayed (is that how that’s spelled?). – By 9.45 I was on the Shelburne bus to Teddy Bear for my last cheque, hoping it would be there for me. A light drizzle in the air. At the Museum, a stroll along the Shelburne Rd. accompanied by “Greg”, an attractive young fellow from “distribution”. We talked all along the walk, then parted at the building. – My ID worked and I got into the HR office where my cheque was waiting! Relief! And I was back out to walk back up to the Museum for the bus back into Burlington… accompanied by the woman who’s struck a friendship of sorts with me. (We met again, yesterday, at DoL, talked about all sorts of things. She’s come from New Mexico! 62. Wants to learn French.) She left the bus in town. The Shelburne bus became the Williston bus and I rode right through to WalMart where I changed the cheque, bought bath soap, spray deodorant!, poptarts and a pack of PallMalls (ick). Then, as I walked out of the store, the bus back to Burlington pulled in! – The trip was interesting: Today was the first time I’d taken it in day-light. And I found the road where I have to get off come Tuesday. – When we got into town, a flurry of snow! I walked back to the BelAire! Just delightful! – Paid the week’s rent. Total relief! I came in, made hot oatmeal, finished the butter and sugar. Food’s running out. – But then, got my phone interview for Food Stamps and VT medicaid! Next, the chat with the VBON… I must take the LNA course. Now to figure how to work and study… I need income and am ceryainly not depending on Chase at all! – A nap. A shower. A walk up the street to Janice’s ex-Mum-in-law to meet the family for their Xmas “do”. All were there. Much food (Latino). They speak Spanish. It bothers me. I did NOT come up here to hear THAT! But they’re very sweet, kind, warm, welcoming. However, Janice’s son, Steven? Autism or not, the child can be a horror, and Janice is quite short on the parental front. Little control. The kid just ripped into gifts, total disregard for others. A bit of mayhem. I was SO glad to get back here, to quiet. – I’ve HAD to was EVERY piece of clothing that I’d hung at North Star because it ALL stunk of stale cigarettes! Tonight, the blue shirt hangs in the shower. All done. – I’ve begun the 4th water-colour tonight. Janice is blown away by the others. I guess I need to frame and exhibit… soon! – A message from PJ saying he needs to get here. I wonder why. I can’t put him up here. He has no money to stay here. And, honestly? I’m a bit disenchanted… with him and Janice: No help keeping me out of the shelter or help with a job, not to mention I had to go to Food Shelf alone… and apply for Food Stamps alone. Alone. I’m learning how to function thus. – Now? I’m just in from last smoke. A bit of snow falling in a rather crisp night. But it’s magnificent. – I still don’t feel I’m in VT. There are spots I’ve been seeing that strongly resemble Orange NY. And all said, it doesn’t feel different. – I’m exhausted. Going to bed, country on the radio. Will wake early in the morning… Paint. But for tonight? Goodnight.

24/12/2011 at 7:03 44
5.42 This might repeat but… This morning, at about 4.20, I woke to the Country station on the radio and a most beautiful 5-word combination: “We are the Champlain Valley.” Imagine! For so many years I’ve thought how wonderful it would be, to “be” the Champlain Valley, although I thought of it as Plattsburgh or Champlain. But here, this Christmas Eve morning, I’m here! Not in NY where I thought, but in VT, where I some-how dreamed of being one day but never really expecting to be. It still doesn’t seem real… the VT part, and those words “We are the Champlain Valley” still seem distant. But the fact is: I am part of the “We” who “are the Champlain Valley”! I am here! – What a truly magnificent Christmas Eve gift! No, it hasn’t come free, and it certainly isn’t easy. It’s far from the way I’d thought it would be. I know there’s a hefty price waiting to be paid for this. My Life is about paying dearly for Joyful moments. But this morning, as I sat out having my morning smoke, a solitary fellow walked his bike up the side-walk along the Shelburne Rd., and there was a snap to the air as only a few snow flakes hovered about, I woke up to BE “the Champlain Valley” so, for a while, the World can stuff the waiting toll it will, eventually take from me because… I’ve begun painting 4, have begun referring to my existence as my “Life”, and I will enjoy, even for this moment, being here. – Viv? Where are you? – And the guys in the 30th St. Shelter, I hope you’re warm, safe, fed and well-rested. To the Homeless on the NYC subways today: I wish I had what it would take to give you better… You’re all in my heart so profoundly that I can feel it.

24/12/2011 at 21:45 41
20.06 Wow! This day passed quickly! Imagine! And 2 months ago, at about 13.10, this date, I set foot on Vermont. Ah, the shit that’s happened since and the shit that’s still to come. But, I was just thinking: I’m so familiar with and comfortable in the Burlington area. It feels as though I’ve been hete for MUCH longer. And the truth us; it’s been MUCH better than not. Truly, even the worst moments (save the shit at the North Star) have been rather good. It is, as advetertised, a better Life. It is… a Life. – 20.17 I just stepped out to have a smoke. Down to 5 in the pack. It appears, I’m the only one here tonight. Even the office is closed… dark. 12$ to my name for the next two weeks. A woman came walking up the Shelburne Rd., came into the parking lot. “Can I buy a couple of cigarettes from you?” How familiar! I gave her 2. She offered 50 cents. I couldn’t accept. “Merry Christmas.” she said, after I lit one for her. Yes, it puts me back. But you know? I’m not begrudging. I’ve been in here, in this beautiful room, having gone through misery. I’ve washed those clothes that stunk of room 42 at the North Star. I’m clean. I’ve painted again. I’m watching television in French. I’m about to get Food Stamps, maybe health insurance. I’m in Vermont. I’m up North… in the Champlain Valley. Two cigarettes? I was in her position most of last week. No. No money. No grudge. – And so, the day has passed. It was brilliant and clear. The sun was actually warm. Janice invited me to her home today. I declined, feigned stomach trouble. I just don’t want to leave here whilst I have this comfort. It won’t be for much longer and I want to enjoy it whilst I may. The silence was quite nice. I painted for most of the day and finished an entire piece. I left only to get donuts and a milk drink next door. I was out only long enough for a few smokes. It was a great day. I napped a bit. And this evening, I’ve washed the black sweat-shirt. It needed washing. – A day of peace. – A few messages back and forth between PJ and I. A delightful e-mail from Ann Barbano. How sweet that she remembers me. (I’ve heard nothing from anybody in NYC. Though, Henry… akennedyrent… Twitter… posted to ThumperNYC to me. In the minds of the least expected. Out of the minds of…) – It has been a delightful day. A drink would be most welcome. I could get a beer. But then, no smokes. These days shall pass… these days shall pass. All will be better again… soon. – Thursday night will be my last in comfort. As things go, I’ll go to work (hopefully!) on Thursday morning. After work, to the shelter. Hopefully it will go well there and I’ll have a bed that night. I’ll come here, get my luggage, and leave. – Meanwhile… I NEED TO FIGURE MONEY FOR TRANSPORT TO WORK! THE BUS PASS EXPIRES ON WEDNESDAY! Always something else… always something else. Anxieties.

25/12/2011 at 0:51 43
23.48: E-mails, to PJ. I want these journalled, like lettres…
12 Dec. 11: 19.58: Monday: And Shelley tells me that she was going to offer the room at 200/wk if I wanted to stay. I’m one of very few people she trusted. I’m the kind of people she wishes she could get more of. I was always looking after her. I spent so much time keeping her company when she was sick. She always felt safe because she knew I was watching after her when she was alone in the office at night. I was always quiet. I kept the room “immaculate”. She hopes I’ll come stop to say hello if I’m in the area. She hopes I’ll say hello if we see eachother in town. -Meanwhile, she’s got trash in 41 again tonight. Banging against the wall. Yelling. Playing shit. Oh well… – I’m taking the day off tomorrow. Checkout is 11:00. I can take the bus right up to Bel Aire. Maybe not check in right away but at least I won’t have to bring my luggage into the office. There are 4 to a cubicle. Too tight. Maybe Robin will let me leave the luggage for a while. Then I can check the North St shelter, take care of other biz in BTV. I’ll have a microwave in the room! Food Shelf! – For now, I’m relaxing (as much as possible with the trash next door… worse than NYC trash).

Wednesday, December 14, 2011 7:20 I was getting nervous here. How awful to have to walk out to get something as simple as WiFi. I DO empathise tho. Not much diff. fm when I stayed with my sister (and that was family)! – The walk last night was fantastic: up to UVM, across to Main, down Union… and just a trace of snow. Heaven! Delightful! Really. Then coming in here? Super! I showered, got into bed… dropped right off. – I must find a place for the next 2 weeks now. Can’t afford this luxury. It’s going to have to be a shelter… somewhere. But being here helps make that OK. – Have to get to Food Shelf but my only week-day off now will be next Friday. (or Thurs… I’m not sure). I get paid Friday but I’m out of food tonight and the cheque won’t cover “housing” and food. The storage bill is behind a month. The phone comes due. It never ends. But this is VT… – Just washing some things. I think I got bitten by something at .Star! Chest was covered with welts when I went to shower! No surprise. – Then, sleep. Work in the morning. I csll BES tomorrow on my break. – Your place might not be a Hilton but it’s much better than the streets (I would tell myself the same at my sister’s.) You’ve food, a place to cook, you’re sheltered from the weather. Not perfect, nor ehat you’d prefer, but there is some good to it my Friend. And if I, an “immigrant” to VT and New England can get this far… be patient, be focused. Look only toward what you want snd keep moving forward toward it. Truly, that’s what got me out of the NYC shelter. It does work. Be determined! – See you in town… soon. I’m here at Bel Aire only until Friday morning.

Thu, Dec 15, 20114.54am I just sent my application to BES. I hope it actually gets through & that I can get there by tomorrow night. My next cheque will give me only Fri, Sat. & Sun. nights here. Have to be at Chase by 7.30 on Monday morning! Timing sux. – As I say: It’s a matter of focus to get to where we’d like to be and there’s no shame in trying. – Windy as all… this morning! WooHoo! Dress accordingly if you go out. Stay in if you can. – Time for me to get ready to head out… and hope BES doesn’t turn a blind eye. I’m SO close to “success”… Time… Always time…

On Tue, Dec 20, 2011 13.30: A little something for a “streetworker”: In NYC, there are agencies that give financial help to people who need furniture for a new place, &/or to get started with rent so they don’t become Homeless. Does anything like that exist here? And, if so; where? – Steve (with the new place in Shelburne) rang this evening to confirm that the room is mine. He rang me (oddly, I was going to ring him after I’d eaten… Fate!). We chatted for just short of 2 hours! Had quite a blast! – Because of Chase, I’m going to have no income next Friday and should be moving that following Monday! If I leave here Friday morning as I should, I’d go to Janice’s for the week-end… maybe until Monday. But then I’ll be coming back to BTV with no place to come back to but the shelter. I’ll have ONE week’s rent & then… nothing. – Alternative: Take this Friday’s cheque, pay another week here… until next Friday morning. Then? No place to go until my next pay-cheque… IF I start working (IF) at Chase on the 27th, I won’t get a chrque for 2 weeks. I’ll be in the shelter for those 2 weeks & probably lose the room, in the nice house! I’ll have to start looking again when money actually starts coming in again. – If I could get a grant or loan for 2 weeks’ rent I could handle it after that. But I can’t take the room, pay a week’s rent & on the 2nd week say that I don’t have the rent. – So, if you know of a social service or something that can help, now’s the time… I’m at wits’ end. – I’m your first “Case”…. Woohoo!

15 Dec.11 20.55:Yet, another in VT. Robin offered the place at 225/wk! 4 pillows on a CLEAN bed! A room in which I can walk bare-foot! Microwave. Fridge. A REAL chair! A desk. Immaculate bath-room. For 25$ LESS than the Shelburne Shitbox! I can stroll to the bus on Monday to work after a hot coffee. I can come back and have hot food after work. I can keep milk. (I need to figure how to get food now!) For less than that whore-whole! – I went to BES this eve. Spoke with JD. Told him I’ve a place for a week and thought it better to leave a bed open to someone in BTV who NEEDS it. (True. Someone might NEED in this weather.) He understood. Said he couldn’t guarantee a bed next week but I’m welcome any time and if anything changes, and I need, to come back. – VT! It’s anmzing! I owe this to you! – Spoke with my “ex” tonight. He can’t believe how even my voice is calmer, how “positive” I sound, how much like the old me I sound. (I owe this to YOU.) – Yes, it will be difficult where food and such are concerned by staying here. But I’ll be able to go to the new job with a fresher, clearer mind… and not stinking from that cell in the Shitbox. I can look forward to coming in after work… not walking in & out of BTV just to stay away. I can sit & write Nancy, paint, read, be “Human”. Just amazing. – Tomorrow is my last day at TeddyBear :( but I’ve been asked to come back! Just amazing. I “Live” here. I’ve “existed” for SO long! – Hopefully weather will be good the wk-end. I’ll figure the food issue. Things will be good. And hopefully we’ll “hang” somewhere. – WiFi comes and goes tonight. Wind blows. And I’ve nit adjusted the thermostat at all! – Now to get rid of the “bites” on my chest & legs… from the Shelburne Shitbox. I hope it’s just bites and not something like scabies! -Time for rest. REST! Imagine? – Sleep well good Friend. Be warm, dry.

24 Dec. 11 13.12: Personally, it’s been MANY years since I’ve had any use for such holidays. As my Mum said (& I twittered): If one can’t be kind all year, this ‘Christmas’ stuff is bull-shit. If anybody actually looked at the whole thing they’d see that it’s become nothing more than a major competition: best shopping, best party, best decorating, best outfit, best face… best bull-shit (Oh! It’s SO good to see you! *kisskiss hughug*) Don’t get me wrong; the little holiday ditties are nice and, since many of them are German in essence, I enjoy that part. I do enjoy the group activities… singing & such. But the whole “Must get together” and “exchange gifts” and my all-time fave “you can’t be alone on CHRISTMAS!”?Purely unadulterated bull-shit. So, I guess you might say I’m in harmony with your “crabby”ness. Franchement (as they say to the North): I’m enjoying my time here, with my paper, paint, water & brushes. No false smiling or “Aren’t you marvelous!” bunk. – I’ll probably back out of going to St. Albans. Over-night, maybe. But I might get stuck until Monday and… well… I’ve paid to be here, where I’m comfy; I don’t have much more time to enjoy the quiet & serenity; I’ve CBFT on & enjoy hearing the French; and I really don’t look forward to any mayhem. (You’re getting a face-full of my anti-social behaviour here, eh?) – Just got a text fm Janice: She’s in BTV & has to be back in St. Alb by 16.00! I asked, this morning, for a ball-park time… she didn’t know. Now it’s a “must” be back by 16.00. Nope. Not going. I just fuxed some oatmeal. Am into the painting. I’m staying right where I’m at. – Now? To eat my oatmeal, text her my “regrets”. – And so this is Christmas… Pfffttt! and humbugs. – More later. *Holiday Hugs* :D – 13.41: Official: I’m staying put. Working on a painting. Listening to CBFT. Silent night. If there’s some kinda nonsense in town later, I might venture in. But I’m making progress on this painting and… well… This is the 4th. I’d like to get 5 done, find a venue, put them out for sale. One sale would put a lovely dent in finances. And, experience has shown: it’s not just “talent” but being prolific as well that sells. (Now to find the $ for FRAMES!) (Always something else.) But at least I can enjoy today… quietly. Eh? – 20.55: Sitting here. I think I’m the only one in the place. Then… thinking: the coming week, IF Chase doesn’t fuk around again, I’ll be working Tue.Wed.Thu. But my bus pass expires on Wed. Timing! And on Thu. after work, I’ll go back to BES and hope for a bed. Hopefully Chase will put me on full-time right away, the following week. The following week I was supposed to move into that room. That’s not happening. I won’t see a pay-cheque for another 2 weeks. Ah… timing, timing, timing. – If that “help” office (Champlain Valley Opportunity?) is open on Monday, (I HOPE!) I’ll go thete right away. If nothing else, for help with a bus pass. (I bought food today with Nancy’s 10$.) – All said though, I’m neither butching nor whining. It’s been a good 2 months (exactly 2 months today… imagine? And I’m so comfy and familiar already.) – 22.23: It’s wondwrful out there! So quiet. I watched the clouds coming in from across the lake. To think, I used to watch storms come in across the Atlantic. My, how things have changed. – I’m very glad that you had a day without the Turd. You deserve a day of Peace. May the time come when there are many more such days. – I noticed, the only call or word from NY today was from one of the guys from the Shelter. Now, what does that tell you? Tells me a great deal. But in VT? Messages from you and from Janice. (Gee, I wonder why Shelley hasn’t called to wish me Happy Xmas. Hahahahaha!) – I should call this day “Done” soon. I’m tired but I just don’t want to go to sleep just yet. But if I don’t go to sleep, Pére Noël won’t come down the chimley with “mes cadeaux”!… he said, watching a bunch of Québécoises buying pineapples in Montréal. Tropical fruits, the bunch of them. – If I had the energy tonight, I’d head for the 89 with a sign: “Montréal” just to see how long it would take to get there. Then they could deport me back to BTV tomorrow… or to St. Albans and I could get a lift from Janice. (Maybe I should grow up someday?) – But all said, I’m so glad I stayed here today. – I hope you have enough heat there. – Oh! Do you still need the black hooded sweat-shirt? – I’m going to have a before-bed coffee with the news.

25/12/2011 at 1:45 23
0.42 Christmas morning…
25/12/2011 at 9:45 40
8.15 I fell asleep with the TV on last night… and woke to Sponge Bob this morning. Had my coffee and stepprd out for a smoke. – The office door opened, the son (I’m presuming) comes charging out, runs to the car parked in front of me… He opens the trunk and… pulls out a reindeer! (A plywood cut-out, painted black… but a reindeer, none-the-less.) Moments later, across the street, a front door opens, 2 women come out. One is in pajamas and house-coat, the other in shorts and T-shirt. The elder, in pajamas, is loudly telling the younger: she gave you 25 and a credit card, that’s whu he didn’t give you any money. They appeared to be going to the store next-door… in pajamas. Ah, VT. – Text to Janice: Mary Krinknuts. Immediate reply: Woot woot are you coming up??? I’m not sure if I should: I need to get to CVOEO (Champlain Valley Office of Economic O-something). I need bus fare fir the coming week! There’s no guarantee they’ll provide, but. must try, and Monday is the only day I have. – The coming week is bitter-sweet: Thursday, the living ends and a return to shelter comes. If nothing else, I’m living the life of a local. By the time this is done, I’ll know more about life in VT than many born-Vermonters. – I often wonder: If life puts us in situations for a reason, why is the recurring theme”Public Shelter” and “Homelessness”? – Well… on to reply to Janice, wonder about PJ (who told of another friend who may/not be along to visit with him… like Thanksgiving) and toddle next-door for a pack of cheap smokes (Pall Mall… ick!) – And so this is Christmas… right.

26/12/2011 at 21:55 59
I decided to accept the invitation to St. Albans when Janice said Aunt Deb would fetch me as she left work at about 13.00… and could bring me back tomorrow (Monday 26th) by about 11.30. By 12.40 I was ready to go! A good, long, hot shower. Dressed. Sitting at the desk chair. Deb pulled in sometime before 14.00 and we were en route. – It’s comfortable being with her. She’s closer to my age. We talked Home Care on the trip North. – Interesting how parts of VT remind me so much of NY. The 89 is similar to the 87 Northway. And when we approached St. Albans… SNOW! Not a blizzard, but just enough to give the day a holiday feel. Although, she and I both agreed: it didn’t feel much like “Christmas” at all. This has been a very difficult year forbso many people. I spent time in courts, then in the Shelter, then coming to VT and in that hole in Shelburne where I went completely broke. Vermonters are pulling out of the Hurricane Irene disastre, homeless and jobless. Cost of food is unrealistic. Just too much… too much. And here we are, trying to make the best of it for one day, one day of reprieve. – At the house, there was plenty of food. Janice really cooks! And Stephen makes for the holiday, after all, it truly is for kids. In general, he was rather well-behaved, although he does have a but if trouble with “things other”. He’s almost an only child, considering the age difference between him and his sister. When asked to pass packages to others, he tossed rather than handing. But, as I say, he was great, and Christmas is for the young. – To my shock, therewere gifts for me! It was a delight, but put me a bit at discomfort since I came with nothing.
.Journal – Janice
.Yarn carrier, yarn, 2 sets knitting needles – Janice
.2 sketch pads – Deb
.Colour pencils
.Twist colour pencils
.Pencil case
.2 pairs of socks – Deb
.25$ Hannaford’s card for food
.Book light
The art supplies and the yarn were so thoughtful! Encouraging and supportive. Now, if only I could sell my art-work… immediately! – As I say, there was wonderful food: raspberry-stuffed french toast, a spinach quiche in sliced potatoe crust. Much bacon and sausage. Even dessert (which we didn’t get to). And fudge. All home-made, home-cooked. – As the day progressed into evening, Andrea’s boyfriend Ethan came by. We all sat at table playing SkipBo and on the 3rd habd, I actually won! – At one point, Deb went into her room and returned with an armful of bottles: rums, GreyGoose, liquers… What shocked me was that Janice had told me on Thanksgiving “We don’t have liquir in the house.” Well, this made for interesting. – We didn’t get smashed, but a few holiday drinks were just right. We all enjoyed, and laughed. – As a note: the idea for a bumper-stcker “Woman Of Options” with regard to Aunt Deb’s new Nook… and 172 pages if “Terms & Conditions”. – By about 21.00 we were all SO exhausted. As I say, it’s been a rough year. – Sister Debbie had gone to hospital earlier with respiratory troubles. They’d given her a steroid and antibiotics. She and I were the last 2 awake and by 22.00 I was exhausted, wanting to sleep and she wanted to chat. At about 22.30 I simply said I HAD to get some rest. She went up to bed. I put the blankets on the sofa, put out the light. – What a Christmas… in St. Albans!

26/12/2011 at 22:10 52
26 Dec. 11: St. Albans: I woke several times over the course of the night. Not because of discomfort, but, just because. The sofa is rather comfy and the house is warm enough. By about 7.00, I was awake thinking I’d gotten abiut 8 hours of sleep. Not bad at all. I was the furst up this morning. I grabbed a full cup of left-over coffee. It was cold, but strong, and it served the purpose. To the loo for mouthwash and ablutions. Morning smoke next. As I stepped out the door, the snow… not much… certainly not “Northern” proportions, was an early-morning grey-blue. The world was still, silent. The North! And I was surrounded by it! How wonderful! I enjoyed the smoke, the cold, the snow, the North… St. Albans. It’s a small town, some might think it depressing. It’s a Northern town. It’s beautiful in its smallness, its quiet. – Smoke done, back in, I went for the sketch pads, thinking I’d get a doodle in. Aunt Deb was awake, Steven followed. 7.30 and he was already yelling… “Hamma!” The day began. And I? I’m journalling, on the sofa… wuth the day’s anxieties building: Hoping to get bus-fare for work, knowing I’ll be heading to another shelter this week, wondering how I’ll make it through the next 2 weeks without income, and knowing I won’t be able to take the room at Steve’s, wondering how to handle telling him, wondering if I’ll lose the opportunity, knowing that a 7.30 start time for work will present trouble, and last night I thought of how close to impossible starting at 7.30 will be (fired immediately because I can’t get there on time?). Well, either I just create my own anxieties or Life is just never-chaging, always high-stress. – And this morning, a 6-year old with very little social control. (I’m a crotchety old coot, and he’s quite unruly. Still, he’s 6 and should be allowed the freedom of that age.) – 8.06. I’m tired, from my anxieties. Shameful. It’s always the same. – 14.02 and back at the Bel Aire: I helped Aunt Deb set up her Nook this morning. Janice argued with Stephen about spending time with his father. Then, we were off, into a brilliant Winter day. Aunt Deb and I chatted all the way. The 89 reminds me very much of the Northway, and the maby Québec plates is a delight. (19.52 BelAire) When we got to the Bel Aure, Deb said that I should feel free to let her know when I want to come back up to St. Albans and she’d be happy to bring me up and back. How amazing! And sincere. – I settled back in here, made some oatmeal… hot. Washed my jeans. Then a bit of a nap. I was, for some reason, exhausted. – Put in a call to CVOEO. Had to leave a message! I guess the office is closed today. Well, of course it is! I’m in horribly desperate need of help to get to work. Of course it won’t be coming. – PJ is in, down with sore throat. That living in a damned basement. How the memories of Newburgh come rushing back at me! He needs to get out of that house. But I don’t see that happening. Not much effort being made to move out, move on. We’ve talked about it but I get the feeling he won’t… no personal motivation. And, for someone who claims to know much about “the system” here, he’s been quite wrong on some points. Not to mention, each time I’ve needed help, (Food Shelf being the most recent), I’ve found myself being very much alone. – If I’m to accomplish anythimg here, it will be completely on my own. – As I was about to send a message to Janice, the phone rang. Janice. In BTV. “Mumzy’s”. Would I like to walk into town wuth her? Indeed! I was planning on doing the walk anyway, just to get out and enjoy the weather. She came here, parked the car, used the loo (opened the soap and the spare toilet paper) and wecwere off. I didn’t have time to shower but, I was still very clean anyway.

We stopped by Marge’s (Mumzy) for a bit. Tony was prepping to replace a thermostat on Marge’s car. Reminded me of the Legacy! Under hood work in Winter! – Janice and I sttolled into town, browsed HomePort a while, had fun doing so. So different ftom a day with PJ who’s always suffering anxieties of some sort. – As we btowsed, Andrea came in. Mire browsing. More fun. – We wrnt to Daily Planet on Center St. for a bite. Wings and nachos. I had a “Pickle Chaser”: vodka with a bit of gherkin pickle juice in it and a little gherkin pickle. Really quite good! The wings and nachos wete quite good too! And I was so hungry! – Andrea left us, we wrnt for maltballs at Sweet Things and strolled back. – I BROKE ANOTHER TOOTH! – We stopped at Marge’s, came back to the Brl Aire and went to Hannaford where I got some food for the next few days: chicken nibblets, bread, peanut butter, salsa, poptarts (which have become a source of humour to Janice, coffee creamer… I used the Hannaford gift card. There’s food now. I’m losing my little “Home” but there’s food… for now. – Had a few chicken niblbets, hot, poptarts. Tummy’s got something in it to work on.

20.39 From PJ:
“Hey! I feel better ty. :D I can try to get a bus pass for you tomorrow at CVOEO, you will be fine, you just have to get through the next 2 weeks. You can call BES tomorrow on your lunch break. It will all work out, and the holidays are almost over THANK GOD! LOL”

Let’s see… I’m betting the bus pass won’t materialise.

I’m losing my Hope now. The idea of the shelter is making me ill. The idea of working at Chase is making me ill. The fact that I don’t trust Chase to give me 1st shift, full-time work is making me ill. The fact that I can’t trust/rely on promises like this e-mail is making me ill. I’m feeling exceptionally lost and horribly alone. – And a broken tooth and now the band on the bottom teeth broke. Janice is furious becayse Deb can’t sort clean laundry and won’t make effort to at least get work. And here am I: busting my all to get work and going into another shelter… PJ’s got “housing”, Debbie’s got housing… neither one is working or trying. Time for “NYC” in me…

26/12/2011 at 23:15 59
22.10 Aziz was the only call over the holidays. – PJ says not to worry, offers to go for my bus pass then tells me to call CVOEO on my break. – Janice’s Debbie has housing, no job, no bills. – And I grow disgusted. – Bad weather in forecast.

27/12/2011 at 5:57 11
4.26 A chance at a “normal” day… awake, prepping for work. And yet, even at this hour, thoughts of packing, having to leave, being on the move, snow, walking, the un-certain, un-known. I have to work on Thursday. I won’t have bus-fare. Snow and storms in the forecast. Thursday is to be exceedingly stressful. I expect the promise if help to be empty. Only One on whom I can depend for aid… me. Alone. Single. Solitary. – When I stepped out for a morning smoke, the cat came to me. I felt for her, being out all night. I brought her in for some moments. She scratches furniture. Can’t have that. She’s out-side again. – My guts are fighting with me.
Fact: Today I have a place to be in, to come back to.
Fact: Today I have bus-fare to & from work.
Fact: Today I have food.
Fact: Tomorrow, I will have the same.
Fact: Thursday, I have a place to wake up in.
Thursday, I have NO bus-fare to get to OR from work. Thursday, I have a place to come back to, and will have food.
BUT… Thursday, I look forward to:
WALKING some 5-10 miles TO work;
WALKING some 5-10 mikes FROM work;
Going to the shelter;
HOPING there’s a bed available;
IF there’s a bed…
WALKING to here to fetch luggage then
WALKING up to the shelter AND
ALL of this WALKING in RAIN & SNOW.
*If only my mind would simply snap, my brain would simply shut-down; if only I could slip into oblivion, just drift into a total, un-knowing darkness.*
*And now it’s time for a break-down.*
*HELP! Please?*

27/12/2011 at 6:57 18
5.50 Shunpike is only ,32 miles long. Great news this morning! Hopefully the bus will stop AT the corner. – And now, time to begin the day… I’ve a sinking feeling I’m not expected at Chase this morning. – I realised that I have only one more week here anyway. The timing of moving would have been perfect. – Rain and snow, rain and snow in the forecast. It will never be “easy”, and the wind is kicking out there! Typical… – Here we go!

27/12/2011 at 19:50 46
6.47 On the bus from So. Union and Main. The bus was early! Fuk! – I left the BA at 6.32, got to the corner at 6.46. The 7.00 bus from Cherry was already there! Well, at least I wasn’t late to work. – 17.32 BA15: The walk down Shunpike (a bus stop!) wasn’t bad at all! And I was at the office at about 7.11! – Jen was the instructor. 2 other, much younger guys and me. Much fun. These Chase folks got humour! Some woman came in a bit later. She got all shook when she learned the position is “temp” and left. Didn’t want to hear that it “could” turn perm. Oh well. – Jen was so sweet: let me bum 3 cigs during the day. Marlboro Menthol. Must remember. Must replace. – *18.00 Janice came by to give me 20$ car-fare! I need 6 trips, on a 10-trip card that’s 10$. But that’s only for work. But I just can’t get over how she just came by. Trust! I’m notused to this.!* – And so, the job should be OK. I can hope for more than 90 days, but I won’t depend on it. I need to find long-term, perm, good salary. No joking about it. – The ride back? Nit too bad. But the bus is at 15.15 and 15.45. Waiting on theWilliston Rd.? Not too swift in bad weather; no shelter. And the office? In an open, flat area. WIND! – I got off the bus at So. Union and Main, killed my cash on a pack of cigs. Walked back to the BA. Immediately, put pasta in to heat, washed unders and the sweat pants that I’d worn under the Dockers for warmth. (Layers: T-shirt, sweat shirt, flannel shirt, sweater, 2 hooded sweat shirts. Warm, lá!). I’ve eaten… hot food. I’m almost caught-up with the necessary laundry. – As for the facts du jour: Thursday I have off. Today I got a call from CVOEO whilst at work. Tomorrow I MUST contact them! Car-fare, maybe rent help! I have to check how long I’ve been here, but if I could get the rent fir one mote week… I could move into the room at Steve’s on schedule! But for tonight, I’m going to drop a line to the shelter for Thursday evening, leave here then. I’ll stay at the shelter for 2 weeks, save some money, thrn move. Fact: moving to Shelburne is no longer convenient. But Jen said Chase will work around my travel. So, that might work out well. The whole thing is “time”… Once again, I’m denied the “time” I need… NEED! – And tonight, I’m quite annoyed… with myself and/or with PJ! Myself for trusting PJ; with PJ for not going to CVOEO to get the bus pass as he said he would. At 16.21, a text: “Hey Jude! How are you? you must be tired. Hope you are ok and safe.” No mention of bus pass. Nothing. Yes, I understand he’s been ill. But send word: can’t make it to CVOEO. Or TRY to contact them. Something! Not NOTHING! It was the same thing with the BES: I’ll be there; I went alone. FoodShelf: I’ll be there; I went alone. FoodStamps: I’ll help you with getting them; I went alone. I’ll find help for you; I make the inquiries. I’m tired of it. And he has my black hooded, thermal sweat shirt! TOOK it! Was supposed to return it on the week-end. NOT. I’m fed-up now. Not replying to his message. Not a good idea to say anything. – 18.44 A light rain out-side. Tomorrow is supposed to be nasty. Thursday is supposed to be cold but OK. – I’m exhausted. Up at 4.00. – Tomorriw’s another day. – Im composing this on Notes. Time for cut’n’paste.

27/12/2011 at 22:51 16
21.44 Never enough time. Time. A beautiful night. Rain. Warm. A wonderful place. Clean. Respectabke. Respectful. I can eat, relax, watch TV… in French. I can sleep, naked. And with the new job, I can afford it… but nit now, not any more. Time. Never enough time. One more night of civility. One more morning of waking and having a pleasantly silent coffee. One more night. Never enough time.

29/12/2011 at 9:43 45
28.13 Wed. 21.59h The sound of the wind rushing through the tall pines tonight is so noticeably different; one can actually hear the stiffness of the boughs in the frozen air. Not as soft as when, in warmth, there is “give”. It doesn’t hush the soul nor lull the senses. It’s harsh, defiant. It’s Winter. -Art is packed. Luggage tomorrow. Very tired tonight… tired. – This morning was a bit tough on the start. I believe it’s a lot to do with bring nervous about all things currently: new job, need to be on the move again, nothing guaranteed, wondering when this will pass. My stomach is sour. It shoild be a day spent ON the toilet… one of “those”. But typical of “me”, there’s no time for that. There’s no time, no time, no time. – All considered, the day went… Getting to work was fine. Got the bus, am actually “in production”, and thankfully, this group has a refreshing sense of humour to break the stress. – My official hours are 8-16.00 which makes getting to wirk on time a bit easier. On the flip side… limited bus fare. I’ve git enough for 2 “10-Trips” which is more than I need immediately. But I’m uncomfortable with “limited” transport. – It’s impossible to phone anybody during breaks of 10 minutes and there are so many I need to contact. – Still, even with tummy troubles, the day at work went well. – They offered Thurs. and Fri.! I could have worked an extra 14 hours! But NO! NO! NO! I have to leave where I reside AND find a place to go TO! I need to find at least a 2-week place! No work! No time, Time… none available. Screwed again. On that razor-edge between settled and chaotic. – When I left work today, Winter came a-whamming! This morning was comfy-cool. During the day the temperatures plummetted. Wind whipped light snow all round, in the face. I got to wait for the bus in the open, no shelter… Ironic: no shelter… my story. But even that wasn’t too bad. – It was fascinating: As the bus crested UVM hill, the sky was clear, no snow! Cold, yes. But it was a completely different world! Complete with amazing sun-set over the Adirondacks. – Got into town, met with PJ who (can we imagine?) had NO input on ANY available support or services. And so, like NY, anything accomplished here will be on MY OWN… ALONE! – We sat at the mall and chatted about working and he spoke about not looking for work. All the while I keep thinking: He has a place, albeit not perfect, to be in, out if the elements, free. Debbie has a place, and certainly not a bad place, to call “home”, free. Neither works. Neither looks for work. Neither earns the place. And here I am: never taking more than I need, never taking anything free, even in the shelter, and always going for/to work… and I’m the one who’ll be out… alone… in the Winter. I’m about to become embittered… It makes no sense. – A trip to the PO: Nothing. No bad news (from the banque); no news from/about FoodStamps or Medicaid. Nothing. – And so, PJ and I parted at Church… and the snows came rushing into BTV. I got the bus back to… probably my last night in any comfort. – The art supplies are packed to leave. Another departure. Back on the move. MUST GO again. I’ll never become adjusted to this. It’s painful. – Dinner: some pasta cooked in tinned green beans, salsa for flavour. Finished the frosting. Peanut-butter mixed with brown sugar. Oatmeal. Clean out the food. No telling when there will be more. No telling … anything. – I watched PBS: melting ice at the poles. Odd: the polar ice is melting and I’m about to freeze. – At about 23.00… the light out, channel 22 on. – Tomorrow will bring Hell… the Hell of nothing and wandering, looking for help… ALONE… again.

29/12/2011 at 9:46 09
28.12 Decembre. Oh well. The date is wrong. But so is my Life… wrong.

29/12/2011 at 9:47 27
29Dec Thurs: 6.30 Incredibly not well this morning. The intestinal troubles of yesterday are worse this morning. I’m jotting from the loo where I don’t dare to leave. I know one thing I did wrong: too much sugar intake last night. Sometimes I wonder if I have or am on the cusp of diabetes. I’ll probably never know… don’t think I want to know. – Thoughts of the day: The overdraft, no bus fare, income that will probably come “just too late”, Adecco says they “mail” cheques “to your home”… I have none, have to pack, there’s no word from the shelter, this week-end is the new year, and the necessity of hauling luggage across town. I’m tired this morning. I slept with the TV on last night. – There will be no travel whilst in the shelter. There will be curfew. PJ mentions the bit of being put out during the day (again). In NYC there are many places to disappear into during the day, 8million people to dissolve into, miles of area to roam where no one knows or recognises. These are not available options here. And, I wonder if there are showers available daily, not just for work-days but for daily routine, so I won’t acquire that “Homeless” odour. Will I get a place at the “better” shelter? And, if not, where else will I go? Weather is prohibitive: bitter cold days, bitter-bitter cold nights. And no-where to go. And will I lose the opportunity to take the room in Shelburne? And even then, that’s un-furnished. A bed, chair, lampe. Furniture in means more to move about. – This… at 6.49 in the morning. Meanwhile, I’m all but bound to the loo as my guts churn. – 8.12 A quick nap and the stomach/gut churning is better. And just in great time. I stepped out for a smoke and Robin came out. Official: I told her tonight or tomorrow. And business is up for her: she needs the room. Great fir her, and for me? I’ve now “officially” got no-where to go TO. “Officially Homeless” this morning.

30/12/2011 at 7:10 24
*Thurs 28Dec 22.35 If time keeps going in the direction it most likely will, in 24 hours from now I will be, again, officially “Homeless”, residing in a damned shelter. Instead of lounging on a comfortable bed, with TV and WiFi, I’ll be surrounded by strangers… strangers who will be “nice” and artificially “concerned”. I’ll have no freedom but will have curfew again. 24 hours. – The day? It began with getting out of bed at about 7.30. At about 8, I stepped out to have a smoke. Robin came out to get something from her car and asked if I’d be staying another week. She’s got requests for rooms on the week-end! I’m happy for her business, sad because that squashed any hope of being able to work an agreement that might have let me stay longer. Yet, the truth is, I need at least 2 weeks of no expenses. So… that said, I rang CVOEO to inquire about a bus pass. Yes, they can help me. Yes, they can help me with s bus pass. All I need to do is go into the office… on TUESDAY! Fukked yet again. How typical. – Next call, BES. Valerie answered. She remembered me. As usual, I suppose she would, I seem to fall out of everyone’s expectations (like Shockeye at 30th Street ” You have no right to be in a shelter…” Only this time, not because of being a Jew; this time, for being clean, well-spoken, respectful?) She would have to check with JD about bed availability. She took my number. – A bit annoyed by the ‘Oh you can wait until tomorrow’ attitude’ I decided: Since I’m returning to the “WorkingHomeless” status, a blog, dedicated to just US. I created one. A place where we can share stories with the World. A place to list resources… available resources. A repository-of-sorts. A place where WE can turn to vent, to find REAL help. We’re an enigma to the rest of the World and it’s time the World recognised us. Where it will go and what it will accomplish is to be seen (on verra). But, niw, it’s there. – There was nothing more I could do with this day. Obviously the World didn’t share my sense of urgency and there was no way I could impart that urgency upon it. I showered, prepped to get out of the room because sitting here would do nothing for my mood, or state if being. My stomach was un-settled, my nerves, at the frazzled end. I needed to move. – A message to PJ. He was “running late”, would be in town at some time. I would be there sooner. – Up. Ready. Out. The day was cool, almost chilly, clear. A perfect day to get things done. A perfect day to relocate. But, it wasn’t going to happen; not today. – The walk into town was rather heavy. I put the music on: G’s today. In relatively short course I was at the PO. – The FoidStamps paper-work arrived today, post-marked yesterday. The appointment for a phone interview. But that was done already. Request for Teddy Bear pay-stubs. OK. But a form from Chase, verifying employment! I’m not hired by Chase. Another need for bus fare! I have to get to Adecco! Well, it certainly couldn’t just go easily, and this part will have to wait intil tomorrow. – I dropped by DoL. Why? To not be out in the cold, to not come back to the room. – Janice came out as I was searching for Fed jobs (there were none in the easily-reached vicinity, nor at the Champlain border). But, a shock: Doug is looking for a place for me, and she offered to let me stay at her house… we’d figure the particulars of getting to/fm work later, but her focus was making sure I had a place AND that I got to work! My priorities! I just needed to say the word. Then, she offered: Bring my luggage to Marge (Mumzy) tommorow morning, go to the shelter. When settled, Marge could drive me up, with luggage! I was rather taken. She said ” You KNOW people here, you just have to use them.” I’m not comfortable with asking, and I don’t “uae” resources… I wait to hear offers. It’s my way. But, here, it’s people offering to help… Vermonters offer to help (NYers might offer, but…) – PJ dud come into town. Again, he didn’t bring my black sweat-shirt. I’d hoped to get it, wash it, use it. As I say, the VT v. NY. – As we were leaving, round 14.00, I decided to ring BES so I could let Janice know what was going on. Valerie answered. “Thank you for calling…” She’d forgotten me! Yes, a bed is available, come in tomorrow… TOMORROW! 10.00. Again, no sense of my need to settle things… today. Again, nothing I could do. And since she forgot to call me, my faith and confidence in “tomorrow” is quite LOW. – PJ and I strolled, went to the mall to sit, talk, Homelessness, the blog, the pitential it holds, the “how and why” of him not looking for work, his desire to return to school. It all seems “Defeatist” to me. He claims I give him a sense of direction. I feel I do, but I’ve learned from 30th Street: That’s as far as I can go… give that sense and leave the rest; others will do as they are prone… work or not, seek work or not. (One purpose to my time in a shelter… lesson learnt. Accepted.) -I walked him out Winooski Ave. almost to the towm line. He asked if I was going to the bus stop. I got the opportunity to say: I have no bus fare (since YOU told me YOU would help me by getting it for me but didn’t). Oh! He’d forgotten. (Imagine that… Right.) – The walk back was OK. I was wearing “Angel’s jacket and 2 sweat-shirts. My hands got cold, but I was OK ovet-all. And the stroll went quickly. – Back in by abiot 18.15… HUNGRY! Finish off the mac’n’cheese, add tuna. Use the food here because I doubt I’ll be able to bring any to the shelter. (PJ says it’s bunk-beds, similar to the Hostel.) It was hot, filling. Perfect. – A phone call… Steve! It’s as uf he has telepathy! I waited… – After eating, I stopped into the office to talk with Robin. Yes, business is unusually great for the week-end. It’s been such a pleasure having me here; happy she was able to give me a place; enjoyed our talks; always welcome to come and stay. Yes, well, she’s like “family”… in a good way. – 20.30: Rang Steve. Chatted yet another hour or more. Asked if move-in on the 15th would be OK. “Do what you have to. It’s no problemme.” No, I didn’t get into the “financial”… a friend needs some help round the house. I don’t want to create uncertainty. But, now I need to worry about getting paid on time! It never ends, never settles. – But I did find the word I’ve been trying to remember: “exploit”. It’s what too many agencies do to the Homeless. Indeed. – Settled for the night, packing just about complete. Tomorrow, I have to be out by 9.00, lug luggage up the block. Tomorrow, Shelter. Shelter… “Life” ends. – Sunday, new month, new year. Others will celebrate… I’ll be… in a shelter… Not looking forward to it. But, that’s the way my “Life” goes. If nothing else, it will be a learning experience.

30/12/2011 at 7:11 46
Up at 4.30. Slept with TV on through the night. – Night-swears again. Nerves in my sleep.

30/12/2011 at 8:11 34
Night sweats. But not soaking… as has happened before.

30/12/2011 at 8:09 52
7.07 Decided on taking a nap. Just before the alarm: I bwgan to wake, seeing a train coming at me round a bend in the tracks! Quite real! – Snooze. – Next slarm… the same thing! – Two trains coming at me and each time I was standing AT the track! I actually felt the need to jump bsck!

31/12/2011 at 20:20 05
Friday 30 Dec: E-mail to PJ: With a few moments, I’m in St. Albans for a while. BES was an experience that actually made me yearn to go back to a NYC shelter. If I had the money, I would have gotten a cab, gone to the airport or train station tonight, gotten a full price ticket back to NYC and gone immediately back to the 30th street shelter. If Janice hadn’t come and brought me here, right now I would be out on the streets, or on the road, hitching, with my luggage, on any road to get me back to NY… just to get to the state of NY. Tonight, for the first time since I’ve been here, I missed, with all my heart and being, the entire state of NY. And even now, I want to go “Home”. It was an atrocity. Valerie interviewed me this afternoon, painted such a spiffy-marvey picture of respect and dignity and support. I left, spent the afternoon getting my FoodStamp paper-work done, went with Doug to get Janice’s car serviced, then to a lovely visit with her ex-Mum-in-law… Marge. Marge drove me to BES where, almost immediately, the unadulterated Hell began with them putting all my clothes into a dryer, set on HIGH (to get rid of bed bugs). One pair of work trousers is now ruined, shrunk, covered in lint. A few shirts are shrunk, wrinkled. I’d washed them, by hand! They were clean! Valerie had told me I wouldn’t have to be subjected to that and then wrote TWO notes stating it “must” be done! Some guy gave me a hard time because a)my luggage was in his way in the dorm and b)my phone vibrated whilst I was folding my ruined clothes. – Valerie told me I’d be allowed to come in, after work, to change out of good work clothes before the 7pm entrance… then I was told I had to wait 2 weeks and submit pay-stubs to prove I worked… then I MIGHT be able to come in from work and relax. I didn’t eat there, but when I asked about a glass of water, I was told it was rather inconvenient because the kitchen had just been cleaned! Just to mention… – Janice came down and fetched me. I was in the midst of planning a swim across the lake, knowing damned well it would be my last. Despair, despondent, hopeless and lost, I started to drop into a major depsression. I wanted only 2 things: The place to sleep and a place from which to go to WORK! I wanted to go “Home”… to NYC! – Anyway, I’m in St. Albans now, I’ll be here over the week-end. After? I’m not certain. But I’m not in that friggin “shelter”! – Very tired. Very painful. I’ll send word tomorrow on more. But for now… Janice stopped me from a swim to Plattsburgh, a hitch to NYC, snd she’s sabed my humanity. – Sleep warm and well.,,

31/12/2011 at 20:21 58
Sat. 31 Dec: 6.54 St. Albans… at about 6.30 the alarm (vibration) sounded. I paniced, turned it off and thought ” Run! Run! Get out! Get out! Go! Got to go! Need to… ” Then opened my eyes, looked round, and had no idea where I was! For a brief moment I thoufht I was in BES and had to go because of the time of day, then because I had to escape! For the next moment I thought I was in 30th Street and had to get up for work, followed by thinking I was in 30th Street but because it’s a week-end I could sleep longer. This one stuck and I dozed off until the next alarm buzzed. As I looked round and realised I ‘m in St. Albans, all wasn’t such panic. However, I’m feeling almost drained of energy, a bit washed out. Not enough sleep. But that’s probably about to become the trend… again. – Best thing about this morning? I’m NOT in BES. But I still feel the urge to go back to 40th Street. Goddam shame, that, because even Shelley-the-bitch-of-the-Shelburne-shit-box didn’t make me feel like this! – Well… 4 cigs, 10$ bus fare, and St. Albans… New Year’s Eve 2012. Let 11 go away and 12 begin fresh and good (every year, same shit-hope and every year’s the same as before. But this year? I’m in VT and WOW!
15mi from Québec! Imagine? – 18.56 TIRED! Damn! – An e-mail from Schmulik! It’s silly but word from him still makes me quite giddy. – Took Stephen for a walk this afternoon. He was excited to show me the “turn-table”. I wanted to get a oack of cigarettes. Kills my carfare fir the most part. But I’m in no mood or condition to go with-out now. So what haapens? First, the pull on the zip on the Angel jacket broke! The only warm jacket I’ve got! Next? I didn’t bring money! And finished the previous pack! – Debbie got Stephen to bring Lucy on the walk. – Came back with Stephen, Janice and Debbie head out and I get to baby-sit! I don’t mind, other than Debbie didn’t need to go… But… – Whrn they came back, I went for a walk for smokes. Many empty houses on Federal. I should just squat. – 19.09 Difficult to stay awake. – Doug came for Janice; leather jacket, ropers. Just sayin’. – Debbie feeds Lucy ice cream by dropping it on the carpet, then says “You don’t see this.” Shit I don’t! And she sits in the recliner just like Margot did! – But tonight I’m not in a shelter. I’m not on the streets. (I am, however, TIRED!)

31/12/2011 at 23:16 52
JOURNAL NOTES

4Aug11 16.40 KingsPlaza Q35 How strange that, for so many years KingsPlaza seemed so remote until Margot shoved me into the streets and busses until I moved into Queens and now that it’s familiar I’m ready to leave again. Never settled even from youth. No peace.

Quantum physics – Cosmic consciousness – Sixth sense – My vision of 2 towers in flames surrounded by chaos. Tallis Scholars. The odour of electric fire. Walking along Hudson. Going to work at Chem 95 Wall. About a year or more before 2001. I saw it happen BEFORE it happened .

*Mon 24: Checked into Hostel – tour of BTV – ate VT Pub & Brewery (receipt) – RiteAid for toiletries – saw pj off at bus – back to Hostel
*Tue 25: SOLO -waffles at Hostel – helped girl with map – TD met Sue HR at 111 – bus to NorthStar – bus into BTV – Yankee Candle – RiteAid 2ZoneBars – bus to Dollar Tree, soap & fabric freshner – PriceChopper, coffee poptarts – walked back
*Wed 26: busMet PJ – VT BtchrBlk&Bd, VT HOODIE – dinner at Nectars with PJ MArTINI (receipt)
*Thu 27: PJ at 16.00 – pizza at Mall food Ct – RADIO Anne – KMart, shwr crtn, scissors(hair) – walked – coffee McD
*Fri 28: SOLO – bus to BTV – PO r/t box – BUS PASS!!! -VT baseball cap, post cards, moose – Lowes, canvas for curtains – kMart, poptarts, tonic – walked
*Sat 29: SOLO – NorEaster dumps SNOW but NOT on BTV.NYC and Rutland – bus to BTV, appliques – Dollar sox, glue – walked – 20 Chickennuggets BurgerKing -walked – 2Labatts & chips Mobil
*Sun 30 : In the room all day – sewed appliques – told to take curtain down! -did 3 reviews of moyel online – NO FOOD ALL DAY
*Mon 31: awake most of the night . Noting at 2.17 – 22,5deg yet chilly – don’t want to stay here just because if the curtain thing – woke 7.30 cleaned rm in anticipation of house-keeping – flying monkey on desk – no hskpng – bear claw choc mlk bkfst Mobile – bus to Btv – Saw Anne Barbano on Main St! – To BTV CommunitySvces who directed to call 211 – Library to print CV then to Colchester – great old guy in BTV No. “Shit you got a long walk” Reminded me of Fred – Quite a stroll to Colchester but not bad – PLattsburgh Av – Not a very warm welcome at VNA rather like VNS/PIC – cow pattie bingo – RiteAid – bus back quite quick driver took short cut I was only passenger. Went along Winooski Rvr Beautiful – Met PJ at Mall Story of his present situation in unfinished basement noheat Marriage to get broad into US – dinner very good- You’re very good to me: bus fares – bus to KMart laundry soap Jeans foul – walk – washed jeans sox under – shower – at 23.14 banging in 41 and yelling. Fuk here we go with NYC – tomorrow is 1 week here – tired tonight – ch22 on TV Quebec – hoping for some peace. Reviewq online tomorrow

*1.Dimanche 4.Déc.11
-I went to the office
-Kelly, on the phone
-i offered to wait
-she never took phone from face
-insisted I put ‘some’ money
-then insisted ALL money
-you called shelbrn PD?!
-you’re a guest
-i put law on counter
-she made no attempt to read
-it may or may not be a law
-well I guess it is law if in print
-j came back, we went to Hammy’s then to StAlbans.
Dough drove me back, talk in lot
•concerned r/t J and I

City Market 1Déc11

Progresso lentil soup-2,29
Oatmeal-2,39
ChefBorRD ravioli-1,49
Fage-1,69
ChowMein noodles-1,49
Goya bkack beans-,99
Peanut butter-2,59
Butter-2,69
Sweet Kaisers (6)-2,50
Chicken Caeser salad-5,99
Banana chips (,34lb)-1,15
Granola Magic Chunks(,20lb)-3,26
——-28,52

Total:58,41 (29,89)

Monday.5Déc 18.15-20.45
-low-life
-cq OK for rent pay if it’s fm VTB
-plenty of places give money
-rambled some places
-dad to fla after Xmas
-closing until may
-kelly said I just stopped paying
.some “bullshit” about banque trouble
-room shouldn’t have been rented
-room needs “deep cleaning”
•could be very charming
-wants to contest the law
-take yr money find cheaper
-i’ll eat the 500
-I can make imposs to rent in BTV
-kelly’s error to cont. into 30 days
-Cathy & kelly asked to let me stay
-Shelley says “bad judgement”
•I’m no good, like Burl. scumbags/douchebags
-then talk about oper. expenses
-kelly’s boyfrnd was going to give me a
piece of his mind.
•Shelley claims she forbade
-Cathy & kelly do nothing
-3 guests complained: no svce, kelly’s attitude, office closed early.

Tue.6
@17.48 Temp 21,5• I’m in clothes,?cold
-Jar butts to smoke all day
-tough work
-no Cathy
-put out grbge saw Kelly she glared
-so tired!
-pnut btr x2 tin peaches, oat meal
-no TV on
-keep dosing off
-voice call fm Janice
20.25 ready for sleep: Didn’t put TV on.

Wed.7Déc11@19.34
-Alarms at 4.30 4.43: I lay in bed pondering until 6.30!
-This morning I’ve taken pics of this dump
-About 10.30 spoke with Cathy, gave her my card, told her I’ve never spoken neg. about her. She said likewise
-Learned:
•Shelley speaks terribly of me to staff and probably others
•father is bastard, mother is sweet
•much money
•Shelley defrauded Welfare for 93k$
•SHELLEY TOLD CATHY TO COME INTO THE ROOM & SEARCH THROUGH MY THINGS! Cathy refused! I told her to go ahead to save her job.
•Shelley speaks disgustingly of and about Cathy, claiming drug abuse
•Shelley fancies herself as invaluable to BVT/Shlbrne
And probably a lot more but I’m dozing off here! – Two busses from NS to Adecco. Clinic on Pine. Back
into town. NO prob. walk!!! down Pine!
-Scarves by Nancy arrived. DELIGHTFUL !
– DoL too give Janice her scarf.
I have to cont tomorrow too tired now (19.53)
-PJ came into town!
-to BurlPD for renters’ manual (they had old copy)
-stroll up to foodStamp iffice – Application! yay!
-Stroll about Church
-City Mkt (cash for coffee)
-Bought 2 cigs 1$ on Church
-walked him bak
– Food? Butter on bread, 2 Poptaets

Thu.8 20.16
-Snow yhis morn
-just missed bus to work
-didn’t like foitprints dhowing I left
-came back briefly
-next bus / not a bad walk
-in at 7.38 (worked to 15.32)
-lots of satisfued custs,
-I got part time for wk of 19th!
-last day at VTB 22 Dec
-library this eve
-photos of 42 on DAwp jrnl!
-janice got me fm lib took me to PriceChopper
-hot chicken, frosting
-TWO replies to Craigslist
-one right across the road!
-200$/week
-no “shelbitch” tonight
– disgustingly tired… always tired

Friday 9 Déc 4.41
-At 2.00 this morning some folks in 41
-I only half-slept all night
-Can’t say why
-Need haircut
-Need to get out of here
-payday. Please over 200!
-Almost a whole week of no cigs… Why do I still crave so terribly? (even in PenHosp)
-Met a woman who knows Caathy Carol at work!

Sat.10

Sun11
-walked back in the dark
-McD fir McRib meal
-Realky COLD on rest of walk
-teeth chattered
-came in as phone rang (19.00)
-couldn’t sgake the bone-chill
-no light on
-Kellynand Shelley in kffice
-kellybwatched my window
-got ready and into bed in the dark
-in bed by 20.00
-the cold was bone-deep

Monday 12.12
-Up at 3.00 waited for alarm
-journalling in the dark
-COLD!!!!! in the bone

Tues 13.12 The “Hell” morning/Heaven evrning. – All night last night the wall-banging & shrieking didn’t stop! ALL night. Even at 4.20 this morning it was going on. I said nothing, but I didn’t sleep. – At 4.50 I called VTB. Looking at trying to lug things into the office w/no place to go. – At 9.46 I rang Robin: could I come early, 12-12.30? Of course, she said, glad we can help you. – Rang Kelly. I’d leave by 11. Fine. – Showered. Packed. Called for cab rates: Green at 10$, Benway at 13$… for a distance I’ve walked many times! But the bus? The luggage? NO! – Then it came: Bed made, room “clean”, I took a photo as proof, opened the door. I’ll miss the white pine outside the door, the view to the Adirondacks. I eon’t miss the filth, stench of smoke, the whores… staff & “guests”. But this has been “home” for over a month, my 1st place in VT. I made my way to the office… Kelly… on the phone.

BEL AIRE…

Wed. 14.12 Bus. Work. “Home” Hot ravioli. Tripadvisor refuses to post my original, positive review of North Star. Hmm… suspicious. There’s more to that place than I know. And I’m most suspicious about why Shelley didn’t go to court and why she’d let 750$ ride as she did. I recall how Kelly snapped “You CALLED Shelburne PD!?” as did Shelley. – But it’s a pleasure to come to this place, the Bel Aire. It’s clean, welcoming, warm.

Thu. 15.12 5.02 BelAire15 WIND!!! Not cold but Damned Windy! It’s slamming against the bldg and rushing through the pines out back. Rain in the forecast. – Finally found on-line application to BES and sent it in at about 4.30. It’s back to a Shelter now. No choice. No $ to get back to NY until tomorrow. But that means Shelter too! – Well… this VT move? Tough. But this is VT. Not NY… – A call from “JD” at BES today! The apl. was rc’d! I returned the call, appt. at 18.00. Shelter… again. – Stopped by the office this evening when I got back fm work. Asked if I could stay another night. In conversation, Robin mentioned: I don’t rent monthly, don’t rent weekly because we get local trash, but I’d rent to you. I lightly asked how much. 225. 25 less than the shitbox whorehouse? I was thrilled! – Walked up to BES. Very cute, clean. Some guy knew I was coming. Spoke at length with JD. Told him I’ve a place for a week. He was OK. Not TOO much religion fm him. – Spoke w/Motek tonight as I stood in rain on Cherry waiting for bus. – Wonderful to come back to Bel Aire… in the rain. – I do like being in VT.

Fri. 16 Dec: Chase fukked me! No start until the 27th! I am so fukked… Chase again. Shit! – I’d put ny VTB ID in the return box already but thought I cd get more hours next week. Got back in, retrieved my ID, went to HR to ask abt staying. Ref’d to “Sched”. Found her in the store. ‘Over-staffed next wk. Some were even released fm work. It might have been me anyway… part-time hrs might have screwed me. (bloodyfukking Chase! I don’t want their goddamned job now! Must get another, tell Addeco/Chase to eat shit!) But PLEASE come baxk for Val.Day! – Rang Adecco. No reason fm Chase. Yeah. Right. FUK U! – *** On the bus into BTV, over-heard a woman tell: I worked for -some company- through Adecco; I’ll NEVER do that again! -OK! Life is tellin’ ME sonethin’n – 16.52 Williston/u mall bus to WalMart. No fukking idea where I’m going. And 28$ to my name after rent tonight. Fukfukfuk!!! – Made it to WalMart… ALONE! Got coffee, cigs., 2 boxes PopTarts, half’n’half, 6 bratwursts… 21$! The bus back was right there when I got out! – Long ride back. Wow! The traffic was a total night-mare! Everybody in VT on the road! – Stupidly rode to Cherry. Should’ve gotten off at Winooski. But not bad. Walked back to BrlAire. Paid Robin. Chatted a bit. She’s like a Mum! – Came in, COOKED 3 brats, had PopTarts. – House-keeping had been in: fresh towels, waste bin moved. Wow! Attention! – Texted Janice and PJ a bit. Some TV. Shower. To bed by about 23.00.

*2 Samedi 17.Déc.11
8.06 A bit of snow fell last night. And I woke at about 7.00. It’s calm, quiet. Have had a coffee, bm. Normal. Stepped out for a smoke. So pleasant. – The Chase crap: I’ve the much-needed time now to get food fm Food Shelf AND find better work! I’ve the time to paint (for extra $). It will be a PRODUCTIVE week! – I STILL can’t quite “get” being in VT. Maybe because I’m so close to Champlain & that, in my mind, is Plattsburgh which is NY. But… fact is… I’m in VT! – KADIMA!!! – What a day! Light snow all day. And all day, in… a new water-colour. Cotmans are muddy. I’m not too happy with the piece. But I’ll “save” it. – PJ wants me to go to Boston with him on Tuesday. Janice sent a few texts. Quiet all day. – The bratwurst kicked my insides. I finished them today. No more food. None. – It’s just past midnight. 9 cigs left. – Day is done. – Not much different ftom NYC: talked with no-one. – Temp is -11•

Sunday 18 17.22 Finished the water-colour this morning! And the review on TripAdvisor got published! – At about 14.00 took a stroll up to the lake, sketched the Adirondacks. Air temp -6 (it was -13 when I woke). But the sun was delightfully warm. – PJ down with sore throat. He wants me to drive with him to Boston on Tues. morn at 3.00. I’m “considering”. He’s pussing me off with constant texts and the fact that they repeat… coming in 7 at a time! I tell him to e-mail but the texts keep coming! Bet, that and his neurotics about “crowds”, the “no job and not trying”, talk about having been in HomeCare… I’m wondering… something’s not “right”. – 17.30 Watching a special with Mitsou. Nuns in habits. St.Paul. How it hits me tonight: Charity. And me, in this beautiful room, fridge & micro… nothing to eat, looking at the FoodShelf tomorrow. This evening, I took a bite from the last stick of butter just to kill the hunger-burn. And tonight I think: When I most need someone, again, I’m alone. Tomorrow I’ll be going for food… alone. Well… OK then. Learn now, who’ll be there. Live accordingly. – Jeans hanging in shower. Washed. – Txt just in: PJ might be able to pick me up (in the Beamer) tomorrow, take me to FoodShelf. I’ll certainly not plan/count on it. And… I tell him to e-mail, it comes as text! – Oh… scraped together enough for a pack of PallMalls. Ick! – 17.41 Another bloody TEXT! Yes… something not “not right”… something “WRONG”! Ostie d’tabarnak lá!

Mon.19.Déc.11 7.12 Started a “Winter”painting this morning. – My stomach is full of acid & my bowels fee as if they want to “flush”. Hunger has turned to nausea. – It’s about -6• out-side. It should be quite comfortable in here, but the fatigue of hunger, & the stress of being in work-days (the count-down, as it were) is causing fatigue & cold. Cigs are going quickly too. Pall Malls are not Camels. I woke at about 5.30 to the country station. The alarm was set for 4.30. Not good. – I was supposed to be well on my way to work, at Chase, this morning, by this time. I’d have been at work at TeddyBear by now. Ominous. – I worry about where I’ll go on Friday morning. Will I have the rent for Steve? Will he have changed his mind already? Or… by then? It drains me. I’m tired & cold. – I’ll have to handle the events of today, alone. In just under 2 months I’ve come to know… Can’t rely on anyone… still. -Must nap. So fatigued!
*FOOD* Name, addr, DOB, empl, FS, residence, fam sz, Irene. And “Pam”? Bless you dear young lady for taking me in & explaining. *FOOD*
.Mac&Cheese(OurSpecialty)
.Mac&Cheese(Shaws)
.Rotini,WholeWheat(Heartland)
.Tortelini(CoraBella,226g bag,4chese)
.Bread,SesameWheat(O Bread/Shlburn)
.Oatmeal(Diamond,1,36kgbag)
.Collards(Glory, bag)
.SweetPotatoes(Dunbar,tin)
.GreenBeans(Shaws,tin)
.Garbanzos(Goya,tin)
.Soup/Veg.(Shaws,tin)
.Soup/Chkndle(MyEssentials,tin)
.WhiteFish(Manischewitz, jar)
.Tuna(BumbleBee.solidAlbacore)
.ApplePie(Hannaford)
.AppleSauce(Shaws, no sugar)
.Peaches(Taste o’The West, tin)
Was there & back by 11.30. It’s 12.26, I had a mac’n’cheese, 2 slices bread, a bit of apple pie, coffee. FOOD! -Now a rest & into BTV! Job, FoodStamps! – Got the bus into town at about 13.00/30. Directly to 3Squares office where, imagine, PostagePaid envelopes! The woman at the window told me it’s quicker to mail. OK. So I did. – Somethong fm TD at PO. I won’t open it. I don’t have the guts for it. – DoL next. PJ texted he was en route. I needed to job-hunt! Was going to re-vamp CV for agencies, but Janice came through: Info on Border/Immigration jobs! A local garden centre! Good stuff! – Coffee at DunkinDonuts with Janice & PJ. – Janice invited me to the house for Xmas wk-end. Yes, to accept would be delightful. No, I don’t want to falala. AND, I’m thinking: One more week’s rent coming on Friday and … nothing. -Got the change of address to PIC today! So FoodStamps appl. & PIC done. Good, good. – Walked to Winooski with PJ for pasta dinner & a loungey evening. He still marvels over the fact that we “met” over Twitter & how, just short of 2 months here, it seems I’ve been here longer. – Grabbed the last bus out of Winooski. Didn’t take the last bus out of BTV… walked. It was a warm night (0• or so). – Apple pie before bed and… day done round mid-night.

Tue.20 Chanukah 1. 8.42 Painting. 2 cigs left. Soon to get out. DoL. Apply to the garden place! It could be fun. It could be income. But truthfully, I’m looking at shelter. I need to pay the phone! I need to pay storage! I need rent money! Chase fukked me. – Walked into town, later than planned. Clear skies, not terribly cold. Listened to music as I walked. Went directly to DoL to get an “agency” (all inclusive) CV done and apply to Gardener’s.?- Janice came out as I was working on “Immigration” aplication. (Funny, I can’t use “DHS”: Homeless Svces/Homeland Security-how sick is that?) She suggested VT govt. as well. Seems people believe French is my “ace” but I’m not finding that. – She took me to coffee/donut at Dunkin. Wants me to come to the house for Xmas. Yes, I’m thankful. But I’ve got to get housing! and a JOB! – I worked on a govt. CV until 16.00… alone. Time to become solitary here… fend for myself. – Walked back to BelAire. – Dinner: white fish (had to struggle to open jar), collards, finished apple pie, had bread, butter, sugar too (sugar from Dunkin). -STEVE rang! I STILL HAVE THE ROOM! He offered transport to Chase because he goes past en route to his job! We talked 1hr55mins! He says my humour and life philosophy remind him of a good friend who moved to CT. So much good now, fukked by the one week of lost income!!! – Decision: a) stay at BA another week, no rent money for Jan. b) go to shelter on Friday, have rent for Steve for ONE week then nothing. c) go to shelter, pay phone and storage, lose room/housing. – I sent an e-mail to PJ: find an agency that helps with rent. Response? “I’ll try…” I know it won’t happen. – Looked-up those “fast cash” places. Total re-pay in 14 days with 385% interest!

Wed. 21:Winter! 7.58 The phone alarm at 4.20. Radio at 4.23. Woke at slmost 6.30! I sleep… restless… wake exhausted. Tomorrow night… tomorrow night. – Out of smokes. Running out of bath soap. Growing hateful of Chase. Not happy about Adecco either… last minute changes. I’m no longer planning on either. – Tired this morning. – This is the worst time to not have cigarettes! – Off to DoL today: finish Fed and State applications. -8.13 My bowels just keep moving! Not diareha. Just “moving”. – Storm watch today. Figures.
– LEWIS NY: Girl (16 y/o) found dead!
-BTV: Peter O’Toole, 56, homeless, dued last night, hypothermia. Vigil in City Hall.
-Janice was at “Mumzy’s”, sent text:did I want to accompany her to the store?She came by, waited in the car, wouldn’t come in. – Hannafords. I checked the price of Bugler: 7$and change! 8$ at the little store next-door to the motel! Same thing I paid 2,50$ for, on 2nd Ave, not so long ago! I’m getting fed-up with this anti-tobacco shit: Raise the prices, talk-up negatives, put the farmers out of business and strut away smugly. I know what “no work” is like. And cigarettes were fine all along. Not to mention, drug-related crimes in Montréal, rural America, Europe… NOT cigarette smokers! Then Janice says, at the cashe, “Do you need anything, want anything?” I said I did, but would ask and she JUMPED at me: “I’m not buying you cigarettes; you can quit!” (She claims she has a friend who’s having a hard time quitting… Compassion?) You know… It’s more about the “timing” issue with me. No work, no income, no housing, looking at another shelter, Chase fux up, I had the Respite job waiting, VBON is STILL playing hardball, AND I’m being denied a damned cigarette? “You can quit…” Thank you. The “Other” side of me wants to say “You can only hand me papers and useless advice that isn’t getting me any income… but you already have home and car and job.” “And you can stand there, high and mighty, make a judgement call, knowing my stress level, and simply toddle off.” Now, I am pissed. – So I came back in, ate, ate and ate more. By about 20.00, lights out. – But I finished the red barn/tree/snow painting. Nr.3!

Thurs.22.Déc: 5.42 Been awake over an hour. Sporadic WiFi. Annoyed. Painfully stressed. Decision: Death or Shelter… I’m leaning to former. – Plan of Action: DoL to post some, if not all of this on-line; must call VTB for cheque tomorrow (expecting ALL kinds of trouble and no way out); HOPE for 1 more week here AND RESOLUTIONS during that week. – The LONGEST NIGHT is done. Today, days begin to get longer again. – My guts are knotting, not like they used to in NY, but sharp, stabbing, almost needle-like. – 19.08 CVs out to Spherion & Westaff. Their records still had the NYC info! – Much long talk with that little lady (62). Nice. The things at DoL. She came from New Mexico! – I told Janice I was having s bad day,,, She walked away! – Got the BelAire another week. Shelter on Jan1st. – Tired. Want a cug!

JOURNAL NOTES

4Aug11 16.40 KingsPlaza Q35 How strange that, for so many years KingsPlaza seemed so remote until Margot shoved me into the streets and busses until I moved into Queens and now that it’s familiar I’m ready to leave again. Never settled even from youth. No peace.

Quantum physics – Cosmic consciousness – Sixth sense – My vision of 2 towers in flames surrounded by chaos. Tallis Scholars. The odour of electric fire. Walking along Hudson. Going to work at Chem 95 Wall. About a year or more before 2001. I saw it happen BEFORE it happened .

*Mon 24: Checked into Hostel – tour of BTV – ate VT Pub & Brewery (receipt) – RiteAid for toiletries – saw pj off at bus – back to Hostel
*Tue 25: SOLO -waffles at Hostel – helped girl with map – TD met Sue HR at 111 – bus to NorthStar – bus into BTV – Yankee Candle – RiteAid 2ZoneBars – bus to Dollar Tree, soap & fabric freshner – PriceChopper, coffee poptarts – walked back
*Wed 26: busMet PJ – VT BtchrBlk&Bd, VT HOODIE – dinner at Nectars with PJ MArTINI (receipt)
*Thu 27: PJ at 16.00 – pizza at Mall food Ct – RADIO Anne – KMart, shwr crtn, scissors(hair) – walked – coffee McD
*Fri 28: SOLO – bus to BTV – PO r/t box – BUS PASS!!! -VT baseball cap, post cards, moose – Lowes, canvas for curtains – kMart, poptarts, tonic – walked
*Sat 29: SOLO – NorEaster dumps SNOW but NOT on BTV.NYC and Rutland – bus to BTV, appliques – Dollar sox, glue – walked – 20 Chickennuggets BurgerKing -walked – 2Labatts & chips Mobil
*Sun 30 : In the room all day – sewed appliques – told to take curtain down! -did 3 reviews of moyel online – NO FOOD ALL DAY
*Mon 31: awake most of the night . Noting at 2.17 – 22,5deg yet chilly – don’t want to stay here just because if the curtain thing – woke 7.30 cleaned rm in anticipation of house-keeping – flying monkey on desk – no hskpng – bear claw choc mlk bkfst Mobile – bus to Btv – Saw Anne Barbano on Main St! – To BTV CommunitySvces who directed to call 211 – Library to print CV then to Colchester – great old guy in BTV No. “Shit you got a long walk” Reminded me of Fred – Quite a stroll to Colchester but not bad – PLattsburgh Av – Not a very warm welcome at VNA rather like VNS/PIC – cow pattie bingo – RiteAid – bus back quite quick driver took short cut I was only passenger. Went along Winooski Rvr Beautiful – Met PJ at Mall Story of his present situation in unfinished basement noheat Marriage to get broad into US – dinner very good- You’re very good to me: bus fares – bus to KMart laundry soap Jeans foul – walk – washed jeans sox under – shower – at 23.14 banging in 41 and yelling. Fuk here we go with NYC – tomorrow is 1 week here – tired tonight – ch22 on TV Quebec – hoping for some peace. Reviewq online tomorrow

*1.Dimanche 4.Déc.11
-I went to the office
-Kelly, on the phone
-i offered to wait
-she never took phone from face
-insisted I put ‘some’ money
-then insisted ALL money
-you called shelbrn PD?!
-you’re a guest
-i put law on counter
-she made no attempt to read
-it may or may not be a law
-well I guess it is law if in print
-j came back, we went to Hammy’s then to StAlbans.
Dough drove me back, talk in lot
•concerned r/t J and I

City Market 1Déc11

Progresso lentil soup-2,29
Oatmeal-2,39
ChefBorRD ravioli-1,49
Fage-1,69
ChowMein noodles-1,49
Goya bkack beans-,99
Peanut butter-2,59
Butter-2,69
Sweet Kaisers (6)-2,50
Chicken Caeser salad-5,99
Banana chips (,34lb)-1,15
Granola Magic Chunks(,20lb)-3,26
——-28,52

Total:58,41 (29,89)

Monday.5Déc 18.15-20.45
-low-life
-cq OK for rent pay if it’s fm VTB
-plenty of places give money
-rambled some places
-dad to fla after Xmas
-closing until may
-kelly said I just stopped paying
.some “bullshit” about banque trouble
-room shouldn’t have been rented
-room needs “deep cleaning”
•could be very charming
-wants to contest the law
-take yr money find cheaper
-i’ll eat the 500
-I can make imposs to rent in BTV
-kelly’s error to cont. into 30 days
-Cathy & kelly asked to let me stay
-Shelley says “bad judgement”
•I’m no good, like Burl. scumbags/douchebags
-then talk about oper. expenses
-kelly’s boyfrnd was going to give me a
piece of his mind.
•Shelley claims she forbade
-Cathy & kelly do nothing
-3 guests complained: no svce, kelly’s attitude, office closed early.

Tue.6
@17.48 Temp 21,5• I’m in clothes,?cold
-Jar butts to smoke all day
-tough work
-no Cathy
-put out grbge saw Kelly she glared
-so tired!
-pnut btr x2 tin peaches, oat meal
-no TV on
-keep dosing off
-voice call fm Janice
20.25 ready for sleep: Didn’t put TV on.

Wed.7Déc11@19.34
-Alarms at 4.30 4.43: I lay in bed pondering until 6.30!
-This morning I’ve taken pics of this dump
-About 10.30 spoke with Cathy, gave her my card, told her I’ve never spoken neg. about her. She said likewise
-Learned:
•Shelley speaks terribly of me to staff and probably others
•father is bastard, mother is sweet
•much money
•Shelley defrauded Welfare for 93k$
•SHELLEY TOLD CATHY TO COME INTO THE ROOM & SEARCH THROUGH MY THINGS! Cathy refused! I told her to go ahead to save her job.
•Shelley speaks disgustingly of and about Cathy, claiming drug abuse
•Shelley fancies herself as invaluable to BVT/Shlbrne
And probably a lot more but I’m dozing off here! – Two busses from NS to Adecco. Clinic on Pine. Back
into town. NO prob. walk!!! down Pine!
-Scarves by Nancy arrived. DELIGHTFUL !
– DoL too give Janice her scarf.
I have to cont tomorrow too tired now (19.53)
-PJ came into town!
-to BurlPD for renters’ manual (they had old copy)
-stroll up to foodStamp iffice – Application! yay!
-Stroll about Church
-City Mkt (cash for coffee)
-Bought 2 cigs 1$ on Church
-walked him bak
– Food? Butter on bread, 2 Poptaets

Thu.8 20.16
-Snow yhis morn
-just missed bus to work
-didn’t like foitprints dhowing I left
-came back briefly
-next bus / not a bad walk
-in at 7.38 (worked to 15.32)
-lots of satisfued custs,
-I got part time for wk of 19th!
-last day at VTB 22 Dec
-library this eve
-photos of 42 on DAwp jrnl!
-janice got me fm lib took me to PriceChopper
-hot chicken, frosting
-TWO replies to Craigslist
-one right across the road!
-200$/week
-no “shelbitch” tonight
– disgustingly tired… always tired

Friday 9 Déc 4.41
-At 2.00 this morning some folks in 41
-I only half-slept all night
-Can’t say why
-Need haircut
-Need to get out of here
-payday. Please over 200!
-Almost a whole week of no cigs… Why do I still crave so terribly? (even in PenHosp)
-Met a woman who knows Caathy Carol at work!

Sat.10

Sun11
-walked back in the dark
-McD fir McRib meal
-Realky COLD on rest of walk
-teeth chattered
-came in as phone rang (19.00)
-couldn’t sgake the bone-chill
-no light on
-Kellynand Shelley in kffice
-kellybwatched my window
-got ready and into bed in the dark
-in bed by 20.00
-the cold was bone-deep

Monday 12.12
-Up at 3.00 waited for alarm
-journalling in the dark
-COLD!!!!! in the bone

Tues 13.12 The “Hell” morning/Heaven evrning. – All night last night the wall-banging & shrieking didn’t stop! ALL night. Even at 4.20 this morning it was going on. I said nothing, but I didn’t sleep. – At 4.50 I called VTB. Looking at trying to lug things into the office w/no place to go. – At 9.46 I rang Robin: could I come early, 12-12.30? Of course, she said, glad we can help you. – Rang Kelly. I’d leave by 11. Fine. – Showered. Packed. Called for cab rates: Green at 10$, Benway at 13$… for a distance I’ve walked many times! But the bus? The luggage? NO! – Then it came: Bed made, room “clean”, I took a photo as proof, opened the door. I’ll miss the white pine outside the door, the view to the Adirondacks. I eon’t miss the filth, stench of smoke, the whores… staff & “guests”. But this has been “home” for over a month, my 1st place in VT. I made my way to the office… Kelly… on the phone.

BEL AIRE…

Wed. 14.12 Bus. Work. “Home” Hot ravioli. Tripadvisor refuses to post my original, positive review of North Star. Hmm… suspicious. There’s more to that place than I know. And I’m most suspicious about why Shelley didn’t go to court and why she’d let 750$ ride as she did. I recall how Kelly snapped “You CALLED Shelburne PD!?” as did Shelley. – But it’s a pleasure to come to this place, the Bel Aire. It’s clean, welcoming, warm.

Thu. 15.12 5.02 BelAire15 WIND!!! Not cold but Damned Windy! It’s slamming against the bldg and rushing through the pines out back. Rain in the forecast. – Finally found on-line application to BES and sent it in at about 4.30. It’s back to a Shelter now. No choice. No $ to get back to NY until tomorrow. But that means Shelter too! – Well… this VT move? Tough. But this is VT. Not NY… – A call from “JD” at BES today! The apl. was rc’d! I returned the call, appt. at 18.00. Shelter… again. – Stopped by the office this evening when I got back fm work. Asked if I could stay another night. In conversation, Robin mentioned: I don’t rent monthly, don’t rent weekly because we get local trash, but I’d rent to you. I lightly asked how much. 225. 25 less than the shitbox whorehouse? I was thrilled! – Walked up to BES. Very cute, clean. Some guy knew I was coming. Spoke at length with JD. Told him I’ve a place for a week. He was OK. Not TOO much religion fm him. – Spoke w/Motek tonight as I stood in rain on Cherry waiting for bus. – Wonderful to come back to Bel Aire… in the rain. – I do like being in VT.

Fri. 16 Dec: Chase fukked me! No start until the 27th! I am so fukked… Chase again. Shit! – I’d put ny VTB ID in the return box already but thought I cd get more hours next week. Got back in, retrieved my ID, went to HR to ask abt staying. Ref’d to “Sched”. Found her in the store. ‘Over-staffed next wk. Some were even released fm work. It might have been me anyway… part-time hrs might have screwed me. (bloodyfukking Chase! I don’t want their goddamned job now! Must get another, tell Addeco/Chase to eat shit!) But PLEASE come baxk for Val.Day! – Rang Adecco. No reason fm Chase. Yeah. Right. FUK U! – *** On the bus into BTV, over-heard a woman tell: I worked for -some company- through Adecco; I’ll NEVER do that again! -OK! Life is tellin’ ME sonethin’n – 16.52 Williston/u mall bus to WalMart. No fukking idea where I’m going. And 28$ to my name after rent tonight. Fukfukfuk!!! – Made it to WalMart… ALONE! Got coffee, cigs., 2 boxes PopTarts, half’n’half, 6 bratwursts… 21$! The bus back was right there when I got out! – Long ride back. Wow! The traffic was a total night-mare! Everybody in VT on the road! – Stupidly rode to Cherry. Should’ve gotten off at Winooski. But not bad. Walked back to BrlAire. Paid Robin. Chatted a bit. She’s like a Mum! – Came in, COOKED 3 brats, had PopTarts. – House-keeping had been in: fresh towels, waste bin moved. Wow! Attention! – Texted Janice and PJ a bit. Some TV. Shower. To bed by about 23.00.

*2 Samedi 17.Déc.11
8.06 A bit of snow fell last night. And I woke at about 7.00. It’s calm, quiet. Have had a coffee, bm. Normal. Stepped out for a smoke. So pleasant. – The Chase crap: I’ve the much-needed time now to get food fm Food Shelf AND find better work! I’ve the time to paint (for extra $). It will be a PRODUCTIVE week! – I STILL can’t quite “get” being in VT. Maybe because I’m so close to Champlain & that, in my mind, is Plattsburgh which is NY. But… fact is… I’m in VT! – KADIMA!!! – What a day! Light snow all day. And all day, in… a new water-colour. Cotmans are muddy. I’m not too happy with the piece. But I’ll “save” it. – PJ wants me to go to Boston with him on Tuesday. Janice sent a few texts. Quiet all day. – The bratwurst kicked my insides. I finished them today. No more food. None. – It’s just past midnight. 9 cigs left. – Day is done. – Not much different ftom NYC: talked with no-one. – Temp is -11•

Sunday 18 17.22 Finished the water-colour this morning! And the review on TripAdvisor got published! – At about 14.00 took a stroll up to the lake, sketched the Adirondacks. Air temp -6 (it was -13 when I woke). But the sun was delightfully warm. – PJ down with sore throat. He wants me to drive with him to Boston on Tues. morn at 3.00. I’m “considering”. He’s pussing me off with constant texts and the fact that they repeat… coming in 7 at a time! I tell him to e-mail but the texts keep coming! Bet, that and his neurotics about “crowds”, the “no job and not trying”, talk about having been in HomeCare… I’m wondering… something’s not “right”. – 17.30 Watching a special with Mitsou. Nuns in habits. St.Paul. How it hits me tonight: Charity. And me, in this beautiful room, fridge & micro… nothing to eat, looking at the FoodShelf tomorrow. This evening, I took a bite from the last stick of butter just to kill the hunger-burn. And tonight I think: When I most need someone, again, I’m alone. Tomorrow I’ll be going for food… alone. Well… OK then. Learn now, who’ll be there. Live accordingly. – Jeans hanging in shower. Washed. – Txt just in: PJ might be able to pick me up (in the Beamer) tomorrow, take me to FoodShelf. I’ll certainly not plan/count on it. And… I tell him to e-mail, it comes as text! – Oh… scraped together enough for a pack of PallMalls. Ick! – 17.41 Another bloody TEXT! Yes… something not “not right”… something “WRONG”! Ostie d’tabarnak lá!

Mon.19.Déc.11 7.12 Started a “Winter”painting this morning. – My stomach is full of acid & my bowels fee as if they want to “flush”. Hunger has turned to nausea. – It’s about -6• out-side. It should be quite comfortable in here, but the fatigue of hunger, & the stress of being in work-days (the count-down, as it were) is causing fatigue & cold. Cigs are going quickly too. Pall Malls are not Camels. I woke at about 5.30 to the country station. The alarm was set for 4.30. Not good. – I was supposed to be well on my way to work, at Chase, this morning, by this time. I’d have been at work at TeddyBear by now. Ominous. – I worry about where I’ll go on Friday morning. Will I have the rent for Steve? Will he have changed his mind already? Or… by then? It drains me. I’m tired & cold. – I’ll have to handle the events of today, alone. In just under 2 months I’ve come to know… Can’t rely on anyone… still. -Must nap. So fatigued!
*FOOD* Name, addr, DOB, empl, FS, residence, fam sz, Irene. And “Pam”? Bless you dear young lady for taking me in & explaining. *FOOD*
.Mac&Cheese(OurSpecialty)
.Mac&Cheese(Shaws)
.Rotini,WholeWheat(Heartland)
.Tortelini(CoraBella,226g bag,4chese)
.Bread,SesameWheat(O Bread/Shlburn)
.Oatmeal(Diamond,1,36kgbag)
.Collards(Glory, bag)
.SweetPotatoes(Dunbar,tin)
.GreenBeans(Shaws,tin)
.Garbanzos(Goya,tin)
.Soup/Veg.(Shaws,tin)
.Soup/Chkndle(MyEssentials,tin)
.WhiteFish(Manischewitz, jar)
.Tuna(BumbleBee.solidAlbacore)
.ApplePie(Hannaford)
.AppleSauce(Shaws, no sugar)
.Peaches(Taste o’The West, tin)
Was there & back by 11.30. It’s 12.26, I had a mac’n’cheese, 2 slices bread, a bit of apple pie, coffee. FOOD! -Now a rest & into BTV! Job, FoodStamps! – Got the bus into town at about 13.00/30. Directly to 3Squares office where, imagine, PostagePaid envelopes! The woman at the window told me it’s quicker to mail. OK. So I did. – Somethong fm TD at PO. I won’t open it. I don’t have the guts for it. – DoL next. PJ texted he was en route. I needed to job-hunt! Was going to re-vamp CV for agencies, but Janice came through: Info on Border/Immigration jobs! A local garden centre! Good stuff! – Coffee at DunkinDonuts with Janice & PJ. – Janice invited me to the house for Xmas wk-end. Yes, to accept would be delightful. No, I don’t want to falala. AND, I’m thinking: One more week’s rent coming on Friday and … nothing. -Got the change of address to PIC today! So FoodStamps appl. & PIC done. Good, good. – Walked to Winooski with PJ for pasta dinner & a loungey evening. He still marvels over the fact that we “met” over Twitter & how, just short of 2 months here, it seems I’ve been here longer. – Grabbed the last bus out of Winooski. Didn’t take the last bus out of BTV… walked. It was a warm night (0• or so). – Apple pie before bed and… day done round mid-night.

Tue.20 Chanukah 1. 8.42 Painting. 2 cigs left. Soon to get out. DoL. Apply to the garden place! It could be fun. It could be income. But truthfully, I’m looking at shelter. I need to pay the phone! I need to pay storage! I need rent money! Chase fukked me. – Walked into town, later than planned. Clear skies, not terribly cold. Listened to music as I walked. Went directly to DoL to get an “agency” (all inclusive) CV done and apply to Gardener’s.?- Janice came out as I was working on “Immigration” aplication. (Funny, I can’t use “DHS”: Homeless Svces/Homeland Security-how sick is that?) She suggested VT govt. as well. Seems people believe French is my “ace” but I’m not finding that. – She took me to coffee/donut at Dunkin. Wants me to come to the house for Xmas. Yes, I’m thankful. But I’ve got to get housing! and a JOB! – I worked on a govt. CV until 16.00… alone. Time to become solitary here… fend for myself. – Walked back to BelAire. – Dinner: white fish (had to struggle to open jar), collards, finished apple pie, had bread, butter, sugar too (sugar from Dunkin). -STEVE rang! I STILL HAVE THE ROOM! He offered transport to Chase because he goes past en route to his job! We talked 1hr55mins! He says my humour and life philosophy remind him of a good friend who moved to CT. So much good now, fukked by the one week of lost income!!! – Decision: a) stay at BA another week, no rent money for Jan. b) go to shelter on Friday, have rent for Steve for ONE week then nothing. c) go to shelter, pay phone and storage, lose room/housing. – I sent an e-mail to PJ: find an agency that helps with rent. Response? “I’ll try…” I know it won’t happen. – Looked-up those “fast cash” places. Total re-pay in 14 days with 385% interest!

Wed. 21:Winter! 7.58 The phone alarm at 4.20. Radio at 4.23. Woke at slmost 6.30! I sleep… restless… wake exhausted. Tomorrow night… tomorrow night. – Out of smokes. Running out of bath soap. Growing hateful of Chase. Not happy about Adecco either… last minute changes. I’m no longer planning on either. – Tired this morning. – This is the worst time to not have cigarettes! – Off to DoL today: finish Fed and State applications. -8.13 My bowels just keep moving! Not diareha. Just “moving”. – Storm watch today. Figures.
– LEWIS NY: Girl (16 y/o) found dead!
-BTV: Peter O’Toole, 56, homeless, dued last night, hypothermia. Vigil in City Hall.
-Janice was at “Mumzy’s”, sent text:did I want to accompany her to the store?She came by, waited in the car, wouldn’t come in. – Hannafords. I checked the price of Bugler: 7$and change! 8$ at the little store next-door to the motel! Same thing I paid 2,50$ for, on 2nd Ave, not so long ago! I’m getting fed-up with this anti-tobacco shit: Raise the prices, talk-up negatives, put the farmers out of business and strut away smugly. I know what “no work” is like. And cigarettes were fine all along. Not to mention, drug-related crimes in Montréal, rural America, Europe… NOT cigarette smokers! Then Janice says, at the cashe, “Do you need anything, want anything?” I said I did, but would ask and she JUMPED at me: “I’m not buying you cigarettes; you can quit!” (She claims she has a friend who’s having a hard time quitting… Compassion?) You know… It’s more about the “timing” issue with me. No work, no income, no housing, looking at another shelter, Chase fux up, I had the Respite job waiting, VBON is STILL playing hardball, AND I’m being denied a damned cigarette? “You can quit…” Thank you. The “Other” side of me wants to say “You can only hand me papers and useless advice that isn’t getting me any income… but you already have home and car and job.” “And you can stand there, high and mighty, make a judgement call, knowing my stress level, and simply toddle off.” Now, I am pissed. – So I came back in, ate, ate and ate more. By about 20.00, lights out. – But I finished the red barn/tree/snow painting. Nr.3!

Thurs.22.Déc: 5.42 Been awake over an hour. Sporadic WiFi. Annoyed. Painfully stressed. Decision: Death or Shelter… I’m leaning to former. – Plan of Action: DoL to post some, if not all of this on-line; must call VTB for cheque tomorrow (expecting ALL kinds of trouble and no way out); HOPE for 1 more week here AND RESOLUTIONS during that week. – The LONGEST NIGHT is done. Today, days begin to get longer again. – My guts are knotting, not like they used to in NY, but sharp, stabbing, almost needle-like. – 19.08 CVs out to Spherion & Westaff. Their records still had the NYC info! – Much long talk with that little lady (62). Nice. The things at DoL. She came from New Mexico! – I told Janice I was having s bad day,,, She walked away! – Got the BelAire another week. Shelter on Jan1st. – Tired. Want a cig!

31/12/2011 at 23:27 45
12 Dec. 11: 19.58: Monday: And Shelley tells me that she was going to offer the room at 200/wk if I wanted to stay. I’m one of very few people she trusted. I’m the kind of people she wishes she could get more of. I was always looking after her. I spent so much time keeping her company when she was sick. She always felt safe because she knew I was watching after her when she was alone in the office at night. I was always quiet. I kept the room “immaculate”. She hopes I’ll come stop to say hello if I’m in the area. She hopes I’ll say hello if we see eachother in town. -Meanwhile, she’s got trash in 41 again tonight. Banging against the wall. Yelling. Playing shit. Oh well… – I’m taking the day off tomorrow. Checkout is 11:00. I can take the bus right up to Bel Aire. Maybe not check in right away but at least I won’t have to bring my luggage into the office. There are 4 to a cubicle. Too tight. Maybe Robin will let me leave the luggage for a while. Then I can check the North St shelter, take care of other biz in BTV. I’ll have a microwave in the room! Food Shelf! – For now, I’m relaxing (as much as possible with the trash next door… worse than NYC trash).

Wednesday, December 14, 2011 7:20 I was getting nervous here. How awful to have to walk out to get something as simple as WiFi. I DO empathise tho. Not much diff. fm when I stayed with my sister (and that was family)! – The walk last night was fantastic: up to UVM, across to Main, down Union… and just a trace of snow. Heaven! Delightful! Really. Then coming in here? Super! I showered, got into bed… dropped right off. – I must find a place for the next 2 weeks now. Can’t afford this luxury. It’s going to have to be a shelter… somewhere. But being here helps make that OK. – Have to get to Food Shelf but my only week-day off now will be next Friday. (or Thurs… I’m not sure). I get paid Friday but I’m out of food tonight and the cheque won’t cover “housing” and food. The storage bill is behind a month. The phone comes due. It never ends. But this is VT… – Just washing some things. I think I got bitten by something at .Star! Chest was covered with welts when I went to shower! No surprise. – Then, sleep. Work in the morning. I csll BES tomorrow on my break. – Your place might not be a Hilton but it’s much better than the streets (I would tell myself the same at my sister’s.) You’ve food, a place to cook, you’re sheltered from the weather. Not perfect, nor ehat you’d prefer, but there is some good to it my Friend. And if I, an “immigrant” to VT and New England can get this far… be patient, be focused. Look only toward what you want snd keep moving forward toward it. Truly, that’s what got me out of the NYC shelter. It does work. Be determined! – See you in town… soon. I’m here at Bel Aire only until Friday morning.

Thu, Dec 15, 20114.54am I just sent my application to BES. I hope it actually gets through & that I can get there by tomorrow night. My next cheque will give me only Fri, Sat. & Sun. nights here. Have to be at Chase by 7.30 on Monday morning! Timing sux. – As I say: It’s a matter of focus to get to where we’d like to be and there’s no shame in trying. – Windy as all… this morning! WooHoo! Dress accordingly if you go out. Stay in if you can. – Time for me to get ready to head out… and hope BES doesn’t turn a blind eye. I’m SO close to “success”… Time… Always time…

On Tue, Dec 20, 2011 13.30: A little something for a “streetworker”: In NYC, there are agencies that give financial help to people who need furniture for a new place, &/or to get started with rent so they don’t become Homeless. Does anything like that exist here? And, if so; where? – Steve (with the new place in Shelburne) rang this evening to confirm that the room is mine. He rang me (oddly, I was going to ring him after I’d eaten… Fate!). We chatted for just short of 2 hours! Had quite a blast! – Because of Chase, I’m going to have no income next Friday and should be moving that following Monday! If I leave here Friday morning as I should, I’d go to Janice’s for the week-end… maybe until Monday. But then I’ll be coming back to BTV with no place to come back to but the shelter. I’ll have ONE week’s rent & then… nothing. – Alternative: Take this Friday’s cheque, pay another week here… until next Friday morning. Then? No place to go until my next pay-cheque… IF I start working (IF) at Chase on the 27th, I won’t get a chrque for 2 weeks. I’ll be in the shelter for those 2 weeks & probably lose the room, in the nice house! I’ll have to start looking again when money actually starts coming in again. – If I could get a grant or loan for 2 weeks’ rent I could handle it after that. But I can’t take the room, pay a week’s rent & on the 2nd week say that I don’t have the rent. – So, if you know of a social service or something that can help, now’s the time… I’m at wits’ end. – I’m your first “Case”…. Woohoo!

15 Dec.11 20.55:Yet, another in VT. Robin offered the place at 225/wk! 4 pillows on a CLEAN bed! A room in which I can walk bare-foot! Microwave. Fridge. A REAL chair! A desk. Immaculate bath-room. For 25$ LESS than the Shelburne Shitbox! I can stroll to the bus on Monday to work after a hot coffee. I can come back and have hot food after work. I can keep milk. (I need to figure how to get food now!) For less than that whore-whole! – I went to BES this eve. Spoke with JD. Told him I’ve a place for a week and thought it better to leave a bed open to someone in BTV who NEEDS it. (True. Someone might NEED in this weather.) He understood. Said he couldn’t guarantee a bed next week but I’m welcome any time and if anything changes, and I need, to come back. – VT! It’s anmzing! I owe this to you! – Spoke with my “ex” tonight. He can’t believe how even my voice is calmer, how “positive” I sound, how much like the old me I sound. (I owe this to YOU.) – Yes, it will be difficult where food and such are concerned by staying here. But I’ll be able to go to the new job with a fresher, clearer mind… and not stinking from that cell in the Shitbox. I can look forward to coming in after work… not walking in & out of BTV just to stay away. I can sit & write Nancy, paint, read, be “Human”. Just amazing. – Tomorrow is my last day at TeddyBear :( but I’ve been asked to come back! Just amazing. I “Live” here. I’ve “existed” for SO long! – Hopefully weather will be good the wk-end. I’ll figure the food issue. Things will be good. And hopefully we’ll “hang” somewhere. – WiFi comes and goes tonight. Wind blows. And I’ve nit adjusted the thermostat at all! – Now to get rid of the “bites” on my chest & legs… from the Shelburne Shitbox. I hope it’s just bites and not something like scabies! -Time for rest. REST! Imagine? – Sleep well good Friend. Be warm, dry.

24 Dec. 11 13.12: Personally, it’s been MANY years since I’ve had any use for such holidays. As my Mum said (& I twittered): If one can’t be kind all year, this ‘Christmas’ stuff is bull-shit. If anybody actually looked at the whole thing they’d see that it’s become nothing more than a major competition: best shopping, best party, best decorating, best outfit, best face… best bull-shit (Oh! It’s SO good to see you! *kisskiss hughug*) Don’t get me wrong; the little holiday ditties are nice and, since many of them are German in essence, I enjoy that part. I do enjoy the group activities… singing & such. But the whole “Must get together” and “exchange gifts” and my all-time fave “you can’t be alone on CHRISTMAS!”?Purely unadulterated bull-shit. So, I guess you might say I’m in harmony with your “crabby”ness. Franchement (as they say to the North): I’m enjoying my time here, with my paper, paint, water & brushes. No false smiling or “Aren’t you marvelous!” bunk. – I’ll probably back out of going to St. Albans. Over-night, maybe. But I might get stuck until Monday and… well… I’ve paid to be here, where I’m comfy; I don’t have much more time to enjoy the quiet & serenity; I’ve CBFT on & enjoy hearing the French; and I really don’t look forward to any mayhem. (You’re getting a face-full of my anti-social behaviour here, eh?) – Just got a text fm Janice: She’s in BTV & has to be back in St. Alb by 16.00! I asked, this morning, for a ball-park time… she didn’t know. Now it’s a “must” be back by 16.00. Nope. Not going. I just fuxed some oatmeal. Am into the painting. I’m staying right where I’m at. – Now? To eat my oatmeal, text her my “regrets”. – And so this is Christmas… Pfffttt! and humbugs. – More later. *Holiday Hugs* :D – 13.41: Official: I’m staying put. Working on a painting. Listening to CBFT. Silent night. If there’s some kinda nonsense in town later, I might venture in. But I’m making progress on this painting and… well… This is the 4th. I’d like to get 5 done, find a venue, put them out for sale. One sale would put a lovely dent in finances. And, experience has shown: it’s not just “talent” but being prolific as well that sells. (Now to find the $ for FRAMES!) (Always something else.) But at least I can enjoy today… quietly. Eh? – 20.55: Sitting here. I think I’m the only one in the place. Then… thinking: the coming week, IF Chase doesn’t fuk around again, I’ll be working Tue.Wed.Thu. But my bus pass expires on Wed. Timing! And on Thu. after work, I’ll go back to BES and hope for a bed. Hopefully Chase will put me on full-time right away, the following week. The following week I was supposed to move into that room. That’s not happening. I won’t see a pay-cheque for another 2 weeks. Ah… timing, timing, timing. – If that “help” office (Champlain Valley Opportunity?) is open on Monday, (I HOPE!) I’ll go thete right away. If nothing else, for help with a bus pass. (I bought food today with Nancy’s 10$.) – All said though, I’m neither bitching nor whining. It’s been a good 2 months (exactly 2 months today… imagine? and I’m so comfy and familiar already.) – 22.23: It’s wonderful out there! So quiet. I watched the clouds coming in from across the lake. To think, I used to watch storms come in across the Atlantic. My, how things have changed. – I’m very glad that you had a day without the Turd. You deserve a day of Peace. May the time come when there are many more such days. – I noticed, the only call or word from NY today was from one of the guys from the Shelter. Now, what does that tell you? Tells me a great deal. But in VT? Messages from you and from Janice. (Gee, I wonder why Shelley hasn’t called to wish me Happy Xmas. Hahahahaha!) – I should call this day “Done” soon. I’m tired but I just don’t want to go to sleep just yet. But if I don’t go to sleep, Pére Noël won’t come down the chimley with “mes cadeaux”!… he said, watching a bunch of Québécoises buying pineapples in Montréal. Tropical fruits, the bunch of them. – If I had the energy tonight, I’d head for the 89 with a sign: “Montréal” just to see how long it would take to get there. Then they could deport me back to BTV tomorrow… or to St. Albans and I could get a lift from Janice. (Maybe I should grow up someday?) – But all said, I’m so glad I stayed here today. – I hope you have enough heat there. – Oh! Do you still need the black hooded sweat-shirt? – I’m going to have a before-bed coffee with the news.

01/01/2012 at 0:58 01
22.28 StAlbans: I’ve included all the Notes I’ve had, jotted on the iPod and have or have nit been included on-line where they should be. It’s just to be sure things get included. – And now? My insides are cramping… mostly because of last night, in addition to tonight. Just nerves. I have to “move” what’s in there but I don’t want to. What I wouldn’t give for my own loo again. – It’s been an unproductive day. I never even moved the luggage into Aunt Deb’s room. – 23.19 Janice and Doug have returned. – I didn’t put the luggage in the other room because Stephen was in there and I didn’t want to intrude. I just learned that he’s been waiting for me. What I don’t understand: he’s got his own room up-stairs, so why does he take the room down here? Well, I’m the “extra” here and one thing trumps all… I’m not in a shelter… I’m not in COTS, I’m not in BES being locked in or out. If sharing the room is the price to pay, it’s extremely small. – And now, as the day closes, the month closes, the year closes… 23.47, and, at last, Debbie goes up to bed, and all are in bed, I finish this entry, these entries. Soon I too will be out for the night. I don’t have sleep-wear un-packed. I haven’t showered. I’m tired. My guts are out of wack. But here I am. – I’ll srnd off a note to Schmulik before going to sleep:

*12/31/11 8:32
My Dear One
all the best in the world for you in 2012 !
Health, Love and Prosperity

will write a bit more later ,I know I been bad about answering your e-mails ,do not think that is for lack of caring ,I do care for you,and what’s going with you

love
me*

And you will always be my reminder of all the errors I’ve ever made in my Life-time. I do miss you.

01/01/2012 at 0:59 56
My Dear One
all the best in the world for you in 2012 !
Health, Love and Prosperity

will write a bit more later ,I know I been bad about answering your e-mails ,do not think that is for lack of caring ,I do care for you,and what’s going with you

love
me