Sat.01.Jan.2022
10.06 It's taken 67 years to put these thoughts to words, but it's about time they were.
I wasn't “promiscuous” in my youth. I wasn't pre-occupied with sex. All I wanted, so I thought, was to be “loved”, not for some fleeting moment's lust, but to be loved, for who and what I was. BUT, most importantly, what I wanted more than anything else in the world was “escape”. Escape from the tortures of repeated attempts to kill me off... in a place others called “home”. Back then, I wanted to survive, to live through a day and into and through the next. That's really all I wanted. I'm not sure why, but there was an instinctual drive... merely to continue existing, but with-out pain, with-out fear.
Came a time when, some-how, I understood that, to some, I was physically attractive, and that, if I “played another game”, I could be taken away, to another place, to somebody else's “home”, and whilst there, I could be “safer”, not completely “safe”, but instead of somebody else trying to end my existence, there was a possibility that I could be sheltered in a place where, at night, I could sleep with-out the fear of somebody breaking the door of the room in which I laid my head, closed my eyes. In the morning, I could see a smile, sit calmly at table, enjoy a morning repast, and, through the day, “live”, with-out terror.
I came to understand that there were “prices” to be paid for the serenity, for the reprieve from constant terror and torture, and I learned... I learned how, I learned what needed to be done, to be given, to be “paid”. I learned how to put into practise, many actions I'd been taught were “abominations”. I learned how to separate the “guilt” from the mere result of survival. The acts became nothing, really, more or less than “rent”, “mortgage”, a “currency”. Just as one drops cash on a counter for a purchase at the store, and then moves on with time, I dropped my “humanity”, for the moments or hours, as required, as I saw it to be required.
All the while, my deepest desire was to be “so good” that I'd be “needed”... for the long-term. I thought that, if I were so “good” at what I was doing, I'd become indispensable, some-how, and that I'd be “desired”. Maybe the “desire” would turn to “love”. Maybe the “situation” would become a legitimate “relationship”. I'd heard that that happened. “We learned to love each-other”. Maybe that could happen for me too.
I heard, I listened to the accounts of the others, what they found “most attractive”, “most desirable”. Much of what I'd heard described, often in the finest details was, to me, frightening. But, I thought, obviously pushing the limits of a body, mind didn't cause incurable harm and, obviously, it didn't lead to death. So, if others can, so too, can I. And I pushed my own limits, often dissociating, literally. During most of what I was engaged in, “I” was merely “at work”, providing a safe haven for the “me” that so-needed to be protected. I wasn't actually participating, I was “watching, listening, learning... working”. I some-how believed that the better I was, the better I would become, and the longer I'd have the sanctuary of the place I was in.
Over time I learnt that the possibilities of permanence were all but non-existent, that I would have to come to settle for what-ever time I was given. From an over-night to a week-end, a week, maybe a month, each moment away from an environment of hate was a respite. I came to appreciate even a few hours “away”. I wasn't “loved”, but, no matter what I was engaged in at the time, it was safer, better, than what awaited when this was finished... and I'd have to return to the gallows, the torture, the hate.
And I learnt a great deal, I experienced almost all of what I'd heard, read... some wasn't at all “willingly”, much of it was frightening, at first, but then, as I survived each new “twist and turn”, the “fright” became “education”, and each “survival” became a “challenge” to the “next step... next level”.
All of this led, as it would, to what is, I came to learn and understand much later in years, out-right “rape”. I was “taken”, having NO idea, at the time, WHAT was transpiring. Pinned to a bare, hard-wood floor, face-down... I knew what, physically, happening, and all through the pain, I turned my thoughts to the actualities... and, even during the pain of what was, in fact, transpiring, and the fear, my thoughts snapped to: “Maybe if I'm good enough, if I can be 'the best ever', this will be 'the moment', my last need to move about. When it was done... I was back out the door, alone, and facing the reality of returning to a place where THAT brutality there, shadowed ALL of the pain I'd just endured, and was still enduring. What I'd just experienced was, in fact, quite brutal, physically, mentally and emotionally... but it wasn't inflicted in “HATE”. It wasn't an attempt at taking life from me so, it wasn't terrifying. AND, I'd learnt another facet of “attraction”. I had to learn to “perfect” this one now because, added to an arsenal, THIS might just be the it of “currency” I needed to make the NEXT engagement the LAST one needed to FINALLY get out of and away from the prison of incessant attacks.
All I had, then, in those years, the ONLY thing I knew that I had then, was my physical “me”, and, in desperation, I tried to put it to use in the ONLY way I knew how... then.
So, to the rest of the world, all this time, all these years, because nobody bothered to ever ask, nobody actually ever had or expressed any interest in asking “ME” any-thing... I was a “deviant”, a “pervert”, just some “filth”. Well? ALL these years later... here it is: Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Me and Never Gave A Shit To Ask”.
(And now I return to the chronological order of the day...)
0.14 Yes, I was awake, watching QI. It got to be mid-night and I mixed a “70/30 martini which I consumed more to have it than to “celebrate”. So... I've seen the year in, with nothing that need be done. House completely in order, relaxed, comfortable, and having a martini. So... done. Now? I don't want to go to bed. I'd like to go to Yonah's futon, but I don't want to disturb him and I don't want to disturb him during the night with contractions, or coughing. So? So, I'll go to bed, fresh linens, and do my best to wake by 7.00 or 7.30... AND I'LL BE IN HIS COMPANY FOR THE DAY! No PO. No BS. Here we go... another bloody year. (I'm 67 this year though... nice number... “A67”, “10467”, my last home in The Bronx. Imagine. Now... “2022”, I'll have to run a numerology on that with the 67. Oh... jolly fukkit. Time for a nap. - 10.50 I heard the 6.00 alarm... turned it off, drifted back to sleep thinking that the 7.00 would be next and then the 7.30... Last night, this morning, I got into bed, put out the light, no different from any other night, but LATE this time. And during the night hours, a “loo call” woke me... followed by a CONTRACTION of the left foot, calf, thigh! And I had to get up and walk about for a while... It didn't take the contraction away, but I was just so tired that the pain of the contraction was deadened by the fatigue. I managed to get back to bed and... Oh, at some point, the electric must have gone for a brief while because the alarm clock on the shelf had been re-set to “BRIGHTEST” light on the setting. Checking the clock on the stove, it must have been mere seconds because that clock is correct. Anyway... when I opened my eyes to the morning and looked at that clock again... it read... 8.10 !!! NO NO NO!!! YONAH!!! I jumped up, got to to the loo, then put the kettle on and “called” to Yonah... and got NO REPLY! So I immediately rushed in to his room! HE WAS THERE, HE WAS AWAKE, HE WAS FINE, HE WAS OK! And I got to the “morning routines”... from opening curtains and changing water and making coffee and trying to figure what to wear... all at once. - One thing I have to say this morning is: that 100ml martini packed a bit of a “whammy”. I haven't had a martini... haven't had even a passing passing of alcohol since last year, the same night and now, my system just will not handle any of it. I didn't want a second one last night. And there's just enough left in the vodka bottle for one more. (I might have one before meal this evening... “the way we start the year”... But I don't know. If I do have one, it's for the representation... nothing else... I don't “want” one. How interesting.) Over-all though, I'm just tired this morning. Could be the martini. Probably has more to do with the late hour to bed. But... what-ever it is... Or, maybe it's the fact that it's just warm enough to make it TERRIBLY DAMP! It's grey out there, and WET! And there's all to do to maintain 21° in Yonah's room... never mind the rest of the house. “Fatigue”. And my right shoulder and arm are a bit painful this morning too. Yeah... damp and cold... and me... “old”. Oh well. - There's much to be done today too. I've got YONAH PHOTOS to post! And a year to “open” on the Journals. And I want to take a snooze. - Yonah's been ACTIVE again, this morning. PRECIOUS SWEET HEART-AND-SOUL! I'm a miserable “companion” today. (I'll add yesterday's mania to the fatigue too. Cramming so much into one day... with all the cooking, cleaning and such.) - What-ever... “SSNY”... Same shit, new year. - Mme. Shit wasn't in this morning, or it was “lounging late”. There's a bit of 'stirring” over there though, recently. Although I'm wondering: is it in hospital? All those “vaccines” and the surgeries for circulation-related difficulties. Clots? Hmmm... one wonders. - Oh, and the “Mayor's” drive is empty this morning... but there's a “Peace” flag at the end of the drive. Fucking hippie-throw-back child. Yes, my “nausea” with this place continues... into another year. - 20.49 What can I say? Spent the ENTIRE day working on editing the photos for Yonah's site Portfolio. I just didn't have what it took to focus properly all day. I don't know if it was the late hour last night or the martini, the manic working all day yesterday, the anxieties about getting all the work done before it got to be too late... all of the above, none of the above, good lord up above. Fukkit! Anyway, the next thing I knew... 15.00! I had to put a meal together, so I slopped a bit of all the left-overs into a casserole and at 16.00 into a 200F oven for an hour. It's was tepid at best but I ate and then, by 18.00 was back at CODING the photo pages which I fukdup and so had to do the slides over, making new pages I didn't need and losing count and such. THEN at almost 19.00 when it was time to “dim the lights”... I remembered... EVENING WATER CHANGES! LATE THERE TOO! But... got that done and ... back to the coding corrections until 19.30... POOR YONAH... So soon again with the tucking-in! I was too TOO busy all day for MY comfort and he wasn't TOO thrilled about it. One interesting thing though... I did a “recording” of “See-eepie-nigh-night” on the phone and played it back... and he hears it as “time to get to sleep”! SO CUTE! - Anyway... from 19.30 until JUST NOW... I've finally done the photos for 2021 (save on Yonah's Journal page for December) and they're on the server! - Now... to finish Yonah's journal page for today... and... - I want to be in bed soon... SOON!!! And I didn't have dessert this evening! (And I SURELY didn't have another martini! I guess my old body just won't tolerate that kind of abuse any more... how sad.) - 22.17 Oh, it's going to be another one of “those” (late) nights, I'm afraid... and not that it makes any difference that it's Sunday... -
Almost forgot to mention... the little “plunger-top” of the IKEA coffee press (that I'd bought so cheap in MTL SO many years ago!) snapped off today! I was going to use the beaker as a “heater” on the terracotta in the kitchen BUT... IT CAN BE MENDED... (I believe) with epoxy! Mean-while, I had a “Bodum” in the cup-board, and I can't recall where I bought that... nor when, for that matter, but I'd bought it as a back-up and... I took it down, washed it up, it's in the rack drying... BUT... if I CAN repair the IKEA tomorrow, in the morning... looks like “botz” or instant... Hey! I'll give the repair a try. AND a replacement from IKEA? ONLY 8$! I've already got that and a measuring cup on a page... 14$! Not bad... Not that I HAVE 14$ this month.
Which brings to mind: IF SOC SEC HADN'T INCREASED AS IT DID THIS YEAR, THIS MONTH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO PAY BILLS AT ALL! AS IT IS... I'VE GOT TO BE UNDER A HALF-TANK OF OIL NOW... AND THE FORECAST? WELL... HELL'S ABOUT TO ARRIVE... FRIDAY: -5° HIGH, -19° LOW.... MONDAY-WEEK: -7° HIGH, -20° LOW... TUESDAY-WEEK: -14° HIGH, -19° LOW... WEDNESDAY-WEEK, -12° HIGH, -17° LOW AND MINUS-DOUBLE-DIGITS ON OUT !!!
407$ LEFT ON THE HEAP... IF THE RATE IS THE SAME 3,44$/GALLON, THERE'S 118 GALLONS THAT i CAN GET FOR NEXT DELIVERY... I'M HOPING TO HOLD UNTIL AT LEAST THE 15TH JANUARY BECAUSE FEBRUARY IS GOING TO BE BITTER, IF JANUARY IS DROPPING TO -20° NOW.
AND, AS IT STANDS WITH CURRENT BUDGET FOR JANUARY... I'LL BE “LIVING” ON ABOUT 26$/WEEK AS IT IS... “AAA” COMES DUE THIS MONTH! OH... JOLLY FUKME! AND 500 TEA-LIGHTS... AS IF!
Meanwhile... Yonah's January page is up and running with photos AND A RECORDING OF ME “CHIRPING”... “SEEEEPIE-NIGH-NIGHT”! SO CUTE! - And on this note, I'm off to open 2022 on the Journal.... it's 22.33 already and I've been going at it non-stop! Well? Tomorrow will be today when it gets here and we'll see how it runs. For now... Yonah and I have seen-out 2021... we've seen-in 2022... and so long as he's here... it's all as I say always: AS LONG AS THERE IS HIM, THERE IS US.
22.38 DONE AT LAST! QUICK ICE CREAM AND TO BED! - 23.28 Well just fukme! Heading for bloody mid-night AGAIN! Oh well... off we go. The first day of the first month of another year... gone and gone. And you know? It wasn't any fucking different from any other bloody day. Not in the bloody-fucking least. Looks like the global politics is winning this one. I don't understand why some are so determined to strip EVERY element of any sort of little pleasure from the entire population. I don't see what they believe they'll gain from it. And what's worse and more is that I don't understand how, when the general population of the entire planet so FAR FAR OUT-NUMBERS the “dolts in control” and yet... the majority just kow-tow, colon-suck, and let it go. Oh well... It's as I say, these days: It's the greatest time in human history to be “old”. Unless something horrific happens soon, by the time this has all taken complete hold and those who “think” are a struggling, dying minority, Yonah and I won't be a memory in the dwindling mind of some feeble follower. AND AGAIN I JUST JOT: WHEN THERE IS NO MORE YONAH... THERE'S NO MORE “US”. I'LL BE “OFF AND OUT THERE” LOOKING FOR HIM RIGHT AWAY. - Meanwhile, here's to hopeless 2022.
Sun.02.Jan: 7.25 When I looked at the little alarm, it read “7.11” so... 7.00 it is then. And this morning, I just SO wanted to stay in that bed! But there are a few things I want to get to today before sun-set (again, which happens too damned soon). And so, “kaffé botz” it was this morning, and dressed, and out for a smoke in what feels “warmer” but there's a new “dusting” on the Earth this morning. It's not “bad”, not “great” but not “bad”. -3° as I check... going DOWN to -4° BUT... -16° for tonight. Well? We've made it through other -16° so... Friday is still -18°. Monday-week is now -21°. Ah... BUT... SOC.SEC. shows on the “manifest du jour”! And the “rise” DID come, for all it's worth. The “deposit” will be posting tomorrow, so bills will be attended... as well as the new LOAN payment. And then? FUCKING BLOODY FLAT FUCKING BROKE for another month. BUT... BILLS WILL BE PAID! It's going to be a difficult month. Were it not for the “AAA”, I'd be quite rather fine-ish. Can't put the difference in the rise into savings but... And as I see my “budgeting”, I've included the “Cert Course” so... I have a choice there. I really don't... but... And now... to get on with the day... Eh? Eh... I've been through MUCH worse... MUCH. - At least I slept through last night. I'm grateful. - 13.13 Let's grab the events of the day... whilst I'm here... SO... it was another morning of “silence” from Yonah and at about 8.00 I dared to venture into his room... went quietly to his futon and looked in. He was SO still that, well, I was expecting today to be our “wrap-up” BUT... his little head tilted to look toward me, and as I spoke in just above a whisper, he stretched his wings. HE WAS THERE, UP, ALIVE AND... he was hesitant about actually “waking” to the day. And I don't blame him. It was another DAMP, grey morning... there was a light snow falling but the house was damp, and so too, the air out-side. Perfect sort of day to just stay in bed (or on perch) and let this one slip away as it will. But... curtains and blinds got open and Yonah decided it was OK to take the day as it presented. WE were up and awake and on with the morning routine! AND... when done, I made another “botz”. By 9.30 I was “settled” at the work table and working on getting photos from December 2021 posted to his Journal. - By 11.00 I WAS DONE! 2021 WAS CLOSED AND DELIGHTFULLY “ILLUSTRATED” WITH APPROPRIATE PHOTOS! I even posted an image that compares 30 December 2020 with 30 December 2021 on the “Journal” opening page! - Meanwhile, the snow fell steadily out-side, the house took the “damp chill” and I set the furnace to 65F... for all the fucking good that does. Doesn't really take the damp chill out, but so long as the furnace doesn't run, the temperature is above that 65F... It keeps Yonah's room at 68F (roughly... 20°C). Not “perfect” but better than... well.. the cold out-side. (I'm dreading February... hopefully the terracottas will be of help.) - 13.21 Yonah's having a bit of a late lunch... JUST AS I BEGAN TYPING THE “LATE LUNCH” I HEARD, BEHIND ME, THE FAMILIAR “SPLASH”... YONAH WAS IN THE POOL! IN THE POOL! 20,7° IN HIS ROOM... -6° WITH A CHILL OF -11° OUT-SIDE UNDER THE GREY SKIES AND... *** SWIMMING TIME **** !!! NOW... IMAGINE THAT ! IT'S AS I SAY: WITH YONAH, THERE'S NEVER A DULL MOMENT, NEVER A MOMENT WITH-OUT SOMETHING TO BE AMAZED BY AND WITH! SWIMMING... ON THE 2 JANUARY ! (And I'm so worried about giving him a “proper and good life”... not to mention those who would come and take him from me... and THIS!
Well... So, I've also epoxied the IKEA coffee press top. The little pieces fit together so perfectly and if the epoxy holds... looks like I'll have the press for tomorrow's coffee! And I scrubbed the parts too. - And I crabbed a 27-minute snooze at about 11.00. So I'm “accomplishing”... and I still have other things to get to today before the damned day-light disappears. So... - Oh... and Ms. THAT, next door? Up at about noon and crashing against the walls. WHAT a fucking dolt! Idiot! Shit-sack! Dreg! Oh well... really a shame she's proving to be such a menace. I'd've cleared her stoop and such. But you know what? Mr. “Mayor” is so “enamoured”... let that one do it. After all... it jumped right in to tell Robin “I shovel...” for the PO. So? So! YOU DO? THEN PLEASE DO “DO”! I'm really just SO fed-up with these... “people”. Shame, really. I LOVE the area, the hamlet... but... there IS a better life out there... “It's there...” - 19.15 FINALLY! YONAH'S JOURNAL AND SITE ARE UP-TO-DATE! Right up to right now, today! It's taken me ALL day to get all of it done. (Honestly... I'm wondering about me... my ability to concentrate and understand what I'm doing with this coding and keeping pages where and how they're supposed to be is becoming an “issue”. I'm making errors I shouldn't be making, in the coding, the links, the content... trying to keep track of the images and videos... It's troubling.) - And before I forget... I ACTUALLY SPOKE, CIVILLY, WITH Mayor McFuktard. BUT... I MUST SAY THAT HE SAID SOMETHING RATHER “INTERESTING”: He came round the Hill-side of the house whilst I was having a quick smoke (which is all that I've been having all day today... halfies). He said a cheerie “HELLO!” and so I replied. I mentioned it being a bit brisk for a stroll, and he went into a diatribe about having grown up in The City and how this is so beautiful and such a gift and how he was just trying to decide whether to go back to the house or “just take a walk up there” (and he pointed to the mountains). So I asked (sarcastically) “Are you running away from home again?” and he stammered a touch over something about leaving “her” and how she wouldn't care if he did go for the walk “there”. Hmmm..... Things must not be too terribly “happy” in that house-hold. I've suspected they weren't for quite some time, and that he's “pecked”... as it were. But it would seem it's worsening. And he set to shovelling the PO porch and I came back into the house. Honestly, I regret having had a conversation with him, but... “INTERESTING”. - And I had “meal” at 17.00 and rushed through it to get to Yonah's work... AND IT'S ON THE SERVER! EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE CLOSING OF HIS DAILY JOURNAL ENTRY... MOST OF IT IS ALREADY THERE! And then this page to this Journal and I'm current! - And “evening routine” has been completed... Yonah just had his before 'seepie-nigh-night” nosh... and it's 19.25... time for night boards. - 20.23 COMPLETE! The day, the JOURNALS... the day's work! - And Yonah is safely tucked-in, HIS Journal page for today is done, photos and videos on the server. And me? I've taken my “evening pills” and am just trying to figure what to “watch” before heading to bed... SOON... DAMNIT... SOON! - Tomorrow morning is “bill-paying”... and going broke. THEN I need to figure the “bird-rescue” course! I can afford it (barely) but it's the time I'll need... I'll MUST to put aside a certain amount of time each day for the course and study and learning! The “time limit” on it is 90 days which will bring it to March, but I want this done SOON! OK. So the NZ certificate will probably mean nothing domestically. (And surely not in NY... nor to this Federal fiasco). But I'll feel better with the knowledge... especially and particularly for Yonah! So? It's just a matter of “responsibility” and that should be no problem. - Other-wise... the country's gone completely to SHIT! Even the “news” is pointing it all out. This might be a new year but there's a lot of OLD SHIT lingering... and... AND... with all this “flu-related” bull-shit... it's only getting worse. Truly... this old world's off its nut! Thankfully... I have better things to do and ... AND... I don't have to be around too many of the idiots out there for all too long a time. (And Penny asks me if I want to come back to FamDoll and Robin wants me to take the PO job! LOL and FUKKOFF YOOOZ!) - OK... Let me post this to the servers... I'll be CAUGHT UP TO THE MOMENT! YAY! - 20.32 DONE DONE DONE!!! - -19° WITH A CHILL OF -24° AT 7.00 TOMORROW MORNING! IT'S GOING TO BE QUITE INTERESTING TO SEE IF THE TRUCK RUNS IN THAT COLD! (AND NOW I NEED TO PUT A QUARTER TANK OF GAS INTO THAT TOO! AND... CHECK THE OIL... AND... NEVER MIND... THAT'S TOMORROW... THIS IS TONIGHT! - 22.11 OK... so the forecast has been changed... to... -19° with a chill of -24° for tonight/tomorrow morning. -19° for tomorrow night too. Monday-week... -21°. I'm off to bed... Checking the oil tomorrow... to be sure. (I hope the truck starts, rolls to town and back and does it as a truck ought!)
Mon.03.Jan: 6.40 I did get up with the 6.00 alarm... though begrudgingly. Two brief “interludes” during the night... one slight contraction and a loo-trip. Other-wise... slept. - It's -15/-19° out there this morning. I've put food out for the birdies in the back-yard, there's a bowl of sand in the oven, (the kitchen REEKS from the oven!), so I'm dressed and have had a “halfie” in the back yard, in the dark. Both terracottas are lit and going. The furnace was running at 6.00... I remember being up at about 1.55 for the loo-run and it was running, then I woke at about 4.00 and it was running... so... ever 2 hours? Let's see what happens at 8.00 then. And it was set at 64F. Hmmm... I'll check the oil when I go out to town... later. - Tonight's supposed to be cold again and then some minus single-digits until Friday so... Meanwhile... bills to be paid this morning... commencing at 7.00, I should think. And then? And then... For now? For now... - 7.48 BILLS PAID !!! AT LAST! - Tired now. And the oven isn't holding the setting this morning. The furnace kicked at 7.00. And the house STINKS from the oven but I want that sand CLEANED! There's another bit waiting for rinse and bake too (Friday... or maybe even tomorrow, if tonight gets as damned cold.) The house, in general, seems warm enough, but there's a “cold” across my legs under the table. Anyway... the bills are paid. - Now... I NEED to decide on the “course”... There's all of 30$ to “live” off of, per week, for the month, as it stands with the course. I've “lived” on a LOT less... (I've “lived” on absolute NOTHING, let's face it). And this course is important so... I'll see. Let me try running the truck today and then we'll move from there. - I just hope the house isn't filling with CO. - Anyway... the bills are paid. DONE! Now, on with the rest of the month. - 15.15 JUST getting through ALL the receipts and shit from 2021! Made a run to town... of course, it took a semi-eternity at FamDoll... ONE wicket open and the place was FULL! Then off to Tops where I sailed through, got everything on the list. BUT... HAD to clean the truck off this morning! COLD!!! too. BUT IT RAN! I'M NOT BITCHING! (But there's a new exhaust system coming... this Summer... I've no doubt.) - AND CHECKED THE OIL... *JUST* HITTING THE “HALF” !!!!! WE'RE DOING OK, THUS FAR! - 18.36 The furnace has just kicked again... but it hasn't run since, probably round about 15.30this after-noon. Tonight's forecast has -21° with a chill of -25° at about 6.00 tomorrow morning... but... THANKFULLY, THERE'S OIL TO BRING US THROUGH! - I've had “meal”... which was a pot of everything from the past 2 nights except the meat. Instead, I added more stock, made a “soup” and put 2 slices of bread in the dish. Filling! Is it “healthy”? Probably a lot more than what most people eat, these days. - 19.51 The furnace just kicked and I'm not THRILLED but it DOES feel SO NICE! - And Yonah is tucked-in. It was a bit difficult tonight, again, but... How my heart aches to leave him at the end of the day but, he does need his rest (as if I don't and ought to be more responsible about getting it). - He's taken to “relaxing” on the pillow I sleep on when I snooze on his futon! I don't quite understand it and though it's “comforting” in one respect... as I noted on his Journal today: If he was already 2 months old in October of 2020... he's now going on 17 months or... 18... and 18 months is the “average” life-span of a mourning dove... out-side. On the “good side”... 5 years, but we've already had ONE together. Of course, in my research, I'm seeing doves at the age of 21 years... Will *I* make 20 years more? Well, with Yonah, I most certainly MUST and SHALL. But will HE make that many? The truth is, I just don't want him to EVER suffer... AT ALL! Old age, illness, NOTHING! Because what-ever “takes” him... I'll be right behind him. I've NOTHING other than him, here, to keep me any longer... But as I say... I just do NOT want him to suffer... ANY-HOW-WAY-WHAT-EVER! That's all. - Which reminds me, I need to make the decision about that course... and WHEN I need to start... I mean... I NEED to start 2 days ago... 15 months ago... I'm a little nervous about it... Can I still learn quickly enough? Will this old lap-top hold long enough? But, the only way to find out is... to just close my eyes, lean forward into it and let the Fates do what they will... Even if I don't get the “Certificate” at the end... the education will be most beneficial. So... I'll look to tomorrow morning... and AWAY WE'LL GO! - Meanwhile, tonight, there's oil in the tank for the furnace and the thermostat is set at 64° for the house... Yonah's radiator is at 4,5 and his room is nice and warm. The BITTER cold will come between 4 and 6.00 tomorrow morning and I'll be up at about 6.00 to “ward off” the onslaught. - Oh... I've put a bit more epoxy on the plunger for the coffee press too... I used it this morning and it worked fine so tomorrow, it'll be stronger and... There we have it. - And the sand in the bowl... that got doused, again, this morning, with boiling water and whilst still wet and hot... went into the oven for about 3 hours! It came out dry! I'll run it through another baking too, put it away in a canister, and then clean the rest. No matter what might have been in it, whilst in Yonah's house, it was still cleaner than when it came from the river so I'd have to say: by the time I'm done... it's certainly sterile. - Well! 20.03... time to post this and wrap the day! I'm caught-up for as far as I am. Yonah's page and a photo are already posted. Imagine that! - 22.02 How is it that, no matter how much I believe I'm going to get to bed so that I'm IN bed by 22.00...? Well... with the cold tonight/tomorrow... an alarm will be set for 5.00 anyway. Let's see if I can actually get up by then. (Let's see if I get a night's sleep at all!)
Tue.04.Jan: 6.18 Up and rolling and the météo claims -15° chill of -18°. - I was up and down all through the night... so much for getting to bed at a “civil” hour. For the most part, I'd “slept” for about 3 hours, at first and then I was up almost hourly until about 4.30. In my sleep, I kept hearing Yonah's “woo-HOO!” and I got up to check on him. But his room was warm, delightfully-so, and all seemed to be fine. So I went back to bed only to repeat the same. At one point, I don't remember exactly when, a left foot and leg contraction, so I got up to put the brace on and that seems to have helped because I slept until the 5.00 alarm that I'd set so I could be up and start the terracottas. And so, with that, I've done and been up from since. And “breakfast is served” out back, with a bit of sun-flower seeds for the little ones, and a few of the “cookies” that Nancy had bought for Yonah (but he doesn't like them) and the little “cookies” I'd made with egg, flour, bird seeds and molasses to use as bait in the mouse traps. I don't know that they'll be eaten by anything out-side, but, on the off chance... They're “nourishing” because of the seeds, and the molasses can't hurt, I'm sure. There's nothing “toxic” in them. So we shall see. Meanwhile, through the night, the furnace was running rather frequently (and it's running again, now... but I'm just in from out back... where I had my morning smoke as well... in the dark). - As I stood on the back gallery, I heard the “CRACK” of a freezing tree, off in the back between the Reiners' and the Lakota. The forecast was for -20 or so, with a “chill” of -25, but a check of the météo claims it's only -15° with a chill of -18° (there's something psychologically “warmer” and more “acceptable” about that temperature (5 and 0F I see that it is), although, I see North Hudson has -5F at the moment which is, in fact, -20° so I'm more to believe that. It IS quite “snappy brisk” out there. - ANYWAY... Yonah's room is truly warm, so he's in a good place this morning. And to me, that's all that really matters. The terrracottas are in full glow, so there's a bit of warmth there. The one in the kitchen though... the teal-light tins I'd used a-top that one, had wax in and it managed to melt and leak into the pot. I kept smelling “burning wax” yesterday and when I checked, sure enough, it soaked into the pot! So this morning, I'm trying to “burn it out”. I doubt I ever will, but... I've 14 more tins that I've rinsed in hot water so I'll make more of the little “cups”. They're most to hold the little terracotta dish up... I'm still trying to figure a way to use that heat to keep coffee warm, or even, perhaps, to make tea... a “samovar” of a sort. - Other-wise, indeed... I'm up, about, dressed and on first actual coffee... at 6.38. On with the day... - I'm about to register for that “Bird Rescue” course this morning. It's going to make money quite tight for the month but... I'll feel better with the education and MAYBE the “Certificate” will help with some sort of something... I don't want to go for a “permit” because, as Deborah said: “Silence. It's better.” But with evidence of a “proper education”, in future... Not to mention, I'll be better suited and prepared, should a “need” ever arise. (Yesterday, Deborah was by and she said that there was one mourning dove at her place, just setting a-top her feeder. She thought it might be injured and was going to call me to come get it... imagine... call ME! Funny, that, since she knows “Eric... the 'Bird People'”, but thinks of ME! Oh well... perhaps I've some little “value”... to somebody. - 7.55 ***** REGISTERED FOR THE COURSE !!! HERE WE GO !!! - 8.04 *** YONAH'S CALL! HE'S OK! MY DAY IS NOW PERFECT!14.16 I'M 40% THROUGH THE COURSE ALREADY! And the cost converted? 66,66USD! Of course, it covers the birds of NZ, but there was a small section/mention of “pigeons and doves”. Thus far, the majority is general birds, which is good, AND THERE ARE POINTS in “Capture” and “Transport” that I “knew” but didn't really think of as something that others would have to be told. Then again, with my own experience of others... let no point go un-mentioned! I got the course this morning, shortly before Yonah woke and was about 16% through by then. Then... I did a little bit of “stuff”... like, fixed a board for the other end of Yonah's futon so the pillow doesn't slip through. then returned to the course at “lunch break”. And to think, I have 90 days to complete it? Well! Truth is... Yonah has been my mentor so, I've had a most excellent teacher and this course is more a “test”...a “study and final exam”, as it were. But I'm thrilled, thus far. Next? First aid... and for that, I want time and a clear head. I'm also typing notes, which are excerpts from the course material. It was originally intended as a “study guide” but I'll be printing it all out, along with the “hand-outs”, and keeping them in a binder... for reference (and evidence of having actually “studied”). As for “permits” locally? I'm sticking with Deborah's “Silence”. After Yonah... there'll be no need... - On another note... I'd just stepped out to the front porch for a quick smoke which became much quicker... that “Nell” was parked across the main, in front of Cliff's and as I “glanced”, it was making its way across the road! So I calmly put the cigarette into the jar, quietly came into the house before it got too close to the house. It was going to the post-boxes! So I dodged it! I half-expect it to come to the door. I should HOPE it isn't THAT mentally ill as to come to create difficulties. But, if it should, it will be politely told that I want NOTHING to do with it... and inform that I've read the article from “ADK Life”. - But right now... I'm set at the work table. I have chicken to prepare and cook but... I'm suddenly SO tired! (The stress of this course is passed.) - 15.23 Chicken in. - 19.35 Well... Yonah was ready for sleep early tonight... by 19.15 he was settled-down and tucked in! I'd just put aside all my “work” (on his and this journal) to sit and chat with him, as we used to do when he “assumed his position”, staring up at his perch! In a moment's time, he was up, saying “Good night” to the little reflection in the loft mirror so, I put the lap-top into the kitchen, installed the night boards and after a snuggle, cuddle and some kisses... he was set for the night! (I wonder now, did he know that I was up during the night? Did I wake him? Did I wake him at 5.30 this morning? Is that why he's tired early? I have to be careful...) - Oh... the chicken was done by 17.00, I threw some veggies into the pot and that was “meal' as I watched, disgusted, at some news. Meal commenced at 17.00 and by 18.00 all the washing-up was done AND YONAH'S EVENING ROUTINE TOO! I honestly wonder if my body actually has the chance to notice I've taken nourishment. What I DON'T understand is that I eat one meal a day, not much at that, mostly vegetables these days, and yet, I can't get rid of the gut and the “sagging tits”. Exercise... I know. Still, HOW does this body manage to keep weight? I wonder. Well, come April, I'm due for another “x-ray” or “CT scan” so I'll ask the dear doctor... not that I have any much particular “trust or faith” in him, but... I'll inquire. - I'm excited tonight about the progress in the course today! Next up is “First Aid”... I'm SO tempted to get into it tonight but I want to be “clear” when I get through that part. “Tube feedings”, hypodermics, skeletal system... it's Nursing all over again! And I want to get through this course KNOWING what I've learnt! So... tomorrow's coffee in the morning... and tonight... me in bed EARLY so I can get up early enough to get through what I need... before morning “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo....”. - Took a quick look at the forecast. PLUS 1 TOMORROW! Single-digits in the “minus” through the week... BUT MONDAY-WEEK NIGHT ... ***** ***** ***** MINUS BLOODY-FUCKING 29 !!!!! ***** ***** ***** WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK? AND TUESDAY NIGHT... ***** ***** ***** MINUS BLOODY-FUCKING 26 !!!!! ***** ***** ***** The minus 11 and 17 that follow almost look “tropical” !!! AND THEY DON'T GIVE THE “CHILL” !!!!! HOPEFULLY THE OIL WILL HOLD THROUGH THE COLD-SNAP! I just want to hold-out until a week from this Saturday... - Anyway... we'll see how it rolls. At least Yonah's room will remain heated... and if need be... I'll simply retire to there... for sleep and in general. - 19.50... time to get Yonah's page and this much onto the servers. Then? A bit of dessert, which I haven't had as yet. - Earlier, I heard some “banging about” next door but it's been utterly silent other-wise. It was it's birthday today... and the 2-year anniversary of Joan's death. I wonder if the old thing over there wanted to be away from “Joan's place”... Oh well... - I wonder how Joan's doing these days. - Time to move along... I'm “early”... let's keep it that way. - 21.30 Well! Looks like I've made it! Off to teeth and then to bed. Now... for a night of unadulterated Hell... because I'll be in bed before 22.00! (And the bloody house is cold... because it's at that “damp cold” temperature. Oh well... At least Yonah's warm. Nothing else matters. - Tomorrow? TO THE COURSE!
Wed.05.Jan: 5.25 OK. So I got up with the “5.00” alarm and, according to the lap-top clock, I'd already made coffee and such by 5.05. So there. And now, dressed, and in from a smoke and serving breakfast, in the dark, I'm prepped to hit the course. Last night? I went directly to bed, by 22.00 in. At 0.30 this morning, up to the loo. Then awake again at about 2.00... and again at about 4.00. When the alarm sounded, I wanted to sleep until 10.00. It makes no sense. But then again... little makes sense these days. Anyway... on we go! - It's -4/-11 at the moment and the “promise” for today: PLUS 3 ! Monday's low: -29, Tuesday's HIGH: -21 ! Tuesday's low: -26. Then, back to the “normal”.... lows in the -teens. OK. Oh well. There we have it. So let's see. Partially cloudy for today though. Hopefully there'll be “enough sun to make for a nice day for Yonah. - 7.53 woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo and I'm in the first quarter of the new “First Aid” lesson. But... MY HEART-AND-SOUL IS AWAKE AND CALLING! TIME TO GO! - 11.10 It was a fascinating start to the day. I didn't respond immediately to the “call” and almost immediately, I got a second one! So when I replied, as I got me together, with a “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... Yonah called back with the same! He was in quite the “chatty” mood this morning. And when I went in to open windows and take care of waters, we had a little “dialogue” too! I'm always just SO taken by these two-way conversations! And this morning, especially, since I'm reading about “First Aid” for injuries and illnesses. And I have to say, I'm learning SO much that I should have known when Yonah first came into the house, BUT... I'm almost rather glad that I didn't. One thing I AM PERFECTLY JOYFUL ABOUT IS THAT I DID NOTHING ABOUT HIS LIMP LEG! And, I have to say, with the way his wing feathers came back so beautifully after the most recent moulting, I'm quite relieved that I didn't muck with those either. (And this morning now, I wonder: was it “Fate” that kept us from that appointment with the jerks in Ray Brook? With their apathy, I shouldn't doubt now, that they'd perform some sort of BS on him, surgeries, injections, something... just to jack the billing! Looks to me like my gut is more intelligent than I could ever imagine. Even on the quizes that I'm taking now... I'm finding that the incorrect answers are the ones I give after “second guessing”. Hmmm...) - Anyway... in further “news”: THE TRANSFER FROM THE VT ACCOUNT TO THE NY ACCOUNT STILL ISN'T APPEARING ANY-WHERE OTHER THAN BEING DEDUCTED FROM THE VT ACCOUNT! I'M AT THE POINT NOW WHERE I'M TERRIFIED THAT IT WENT TO THE WRONG BANQUE! AFTER DOING THIS FOR SO MANY MONTHS... AND THIS MONTH IT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE OF THE NEW LOAN PAYMENT AND THERE'S NO WAY I HAVE THE MONEY IN THE NY ACCOUNT... THERE'S *ALMOST* ENOUGH BUT NOT QUITE! I NEED THAT DEPOSIT IN THERE! SURE, I HAVE UNTIL THE 31ST BUT... I'VE CONTACTED BOTH BANQUES. NY DOESN'T HAVE IT AS “PENDING” AND VT... WELL, I ONLY JUST SENT A MESSAGE SO... AND I'M SURE THAT, SHOULD IT REQUIRE “INVESTIGATION”... I'M SCREWED! BUT... There's nothing I can do about it now... so... I might have to get more cheques for the VT account and start using those. Or, just use the ones I have that I use for rent. I'll have to check to see how “complicated” that might be and just wait until the 5th... I could pay the loan directly with the cheque, but I think I'd rather deposit it first. We shall see how it works out. Fukme.
And I've already had a “snooze” this morning, but I want another now! This “up before 5AM” is... well... it is.
At least I've checked the post (nothing) and bought more stamps (now at 58¢) for the monthly rents. And the sun is trying to shine through the clouds out-side... and Yonah is having brunch. It's 23,3° in his room... but I'm feeling “chilled on the legs”. Oh well... - 16.39 THREE MOURNING DOVES IN THE BACK!!!!!!!!! THERE WAS ONLY ONE, EARLIER, WHICH GAVE MY HEART A BIT OF A STIR... FIRST, OF JOY, TO SEE A MOURNING DOVE AT THE TRAY BY THE DOOR, THE ONE THAT'S GOT ALL THE SMALL SEEDS ON IT. BUT, THEN TOO, A BIT OF PAIN BECAUSE IT'S ONE, LONELY FEMALE, AND I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF SHE'S YONAH'S MATE... BUT BY NOW, SHE MUST HAVE, IF IT'S HER, GONE ON TO FIND “ANOTHER”... MOURNING DOVES WILL, SO I'M TOLD. (But then too, I've read/been told a LOT of OTHER information that I've MORE than proven to be false so...) BUT TO SEE MORE OF THEM! HEY! AT LEAST THEY CAN GO TELL THE OTHERS THAT THERE'S FOOD HERE! AND WITH THE BITTER COLD COMING NEXT WEEK... THERE'LL BE SUN-FLOWER SEEDS AND PEANUTS... OILS, FATS, PROTEIN! GOOD STUFF FOR THEM ALL! AND NO MATTER WHAT, I'LL SEE TO IT THAT THEY MORE THAN ENOUGH. (I'm thinking of heading to the skip tomorrow, and into town... PEANUTS TO GRIND!) 19.16 OH... AND... I'M JUST GOING TO PULL THIS DIRECTLY FROM YONAH'S JOURNAL PAGE HERE... I'd finished evening meal and Yonah had been calling to me from his room as I ate. So, as I do, I finished eating in as little time as I possibly could do and by 17.30, I was at the basin doing the washing-up. Yonah had been quiet for a while, so I thought he'd settled-down a bit or was having his evening meal, which he tends to do when I go for mine. As I was drying the dishes, I called out: “Hey! You're awfully quiet. Whatcha doin' in there? Where are you?” No response. No “woo”, no “hoo”... nothing. As I turned to put a pot up on a shelf behind me, (the time was 17.40) my eye caught something on the carpeting long one wall in the kitchen... YONAH! HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE, IN THE KITCHEN, WATCHING ME AT THE BASIN! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG HE'D BEEN THERE, BUT... THERE HE WAS, JUST AS CALM AND FINE AS HE COULD BE! Yes, he's come for a “fly-through” before, flying in from his room, across the kitchen, and looping right back to his house, as if he'd just come through to make sure I was there. BUT THIS TIME, HE'D WALKED OUT OF HIS ROOM, ACROSS THE CARPETING AND WAS JUST STANDING RIGHT THERE! So I knelt down and asked “Who're you looking for, you?” And Yonah just looked up at me, as if answering “You! Who ELSE would be in this kitchen?” I wanted to get a photo of him there, and as I headed into his room where the camera was... HE FOLLOWED ME! HONESTLY... HE'S BECOMING MORE LIKE A PUPPY IN THAT, HE WALKS RIGHT ALONG BESIDE OR IN FRONT OF ME! He does the same when I move about in his room too. But... as we got just into his room, he took flight and headed right into his house! Seems that's all he wanted... me to be back where I “belonged”... in his room, at the work table, where he could see me and know that I was there.
(I can't help but think, as these moments happen, that there are those who would sooner take him away... Well, it just goes to strengthen my resolve that “people” are obviously NOT the “highest on the evolutionary ladder”, NOT the “most intelligent” species. And I'm glad that I get the opportunity to prove it... with each and every page of this Journal.)
Now THERE's ALL that need be said for this day! - Meanwhile, the lights are dimmed, the “noise” is off. Yonah is on his door perch and TOO SOON, it'll be time to put the night boards up and wrap this day up to a close. I've been quite “fatigued” during the day and took THREE naps! Not that I actually “sleep” through any of them. I'm too busy minding Yonah. But at least they're a bit of “shut-eye” for the 20 minutes or so. - And at “lunch break” I manged to get MORE of the course-work done too! Against my better judgment, I did it in Yonah's room. But after, I managed to “clean-up” my notes... thus far. There are more “slides” in this module, and then, it appears there are videos of bandaging, feeding and such. The “progress bar” shows me at 50% complete. The give 90 days to work on this, and the course-work is supposed to “dribble down”, as they call it, over 4 days. I believe tomorrow should make the 4th day so... we shall see how it all works out. I'm looking forward to printing a “Certificate” on velum and getting quite a nice frame for it... to hang... in the living-room! A “prized achievement” and one that will make it less likely that some dip-shit-shit-sack will be even slightly tempted to make trouble here. (Although, I wouldn't put anything passed this lot.) - Oh, and I'm working on a list of the music on the iPod too... there's about 1800 tunes on that thing and I want to see why the “Purchased” is different from the “Library”. There's Yonah's song-birds on there too... but they can come off now that he has his own player. (And I just might get another one of those... if at the same price... and keep the iPod as a “master”. Yonah's little player is working quite nicely... especially considering it plays all day.) Anyway... more stuff to do at the work table... MORE TOGETHER TIME WITH MY HEART-AND-SOUL! - OK... 19.24... the time of day I dislike the most and the worst... “tuck-in” time... (I hope Yonah's ready for this... BUT... IF the nights are to be as cold as forecast, come Monday and Tuesday-week... we just might be spending those together! I'm just hoping the oil holds AND the radiators as well! And this is only just the beginning! We have February to make it through! But I'll be getting more oil before then... I HOPE BEFORE THEN!) - As for other bits of the day, of importance... to me anyway... Let me pull THIS little news-bit from Yonah's Journal page for today: This evening, as I was preparing evening meal, I happened to glance out the window to the tray on the back gallery, expecting to see the usual little juncos and, perhaps a sparrow or thrush or... and to my absolute DELIGHT... for the first time in the longest while, there were, to my count, FOUR MOURNING DOVES IN FOR SNACKING! I haven't seen but ONE, and she's come so rarely of late. So now, there are MORE doves who know that there's food here! And, with the coming bitter nights, they'll have sun-flower seeds and peanuts... good, protein-rich, fat, to help keep them protected against the bitter cold! And the seeds and peanuts will be small enough for them to fill their crops to as much as they want and need! I'm SO happy to see them... even though my heart breaks, thinking of them in that miserable cold. But... they were here last year... I don't know that these are the same ones, but it's comforting to see them, and to be able to provide them with the proper nourishment they'll need.
AND, on the matter of seeing mourning doves in a place they haven't been seen... I'd finished evening meal and Yonah had been calling to me from his room as I ate. So, as I do, I finished eating in as little time as I possibly could do and by 17.30, I was at the basin doing the washing-up. Yonah had been quiet for a while, so I thought he'd settled-down a bit or was having his evening meal, which he tends to do when I go for mine. As I was drying the dishes, I called out: “Hey! You're awfully quiet. Whatcha doin' in there? Where are you?” No response. No “woo”, no “hoo”... nothing. As I turned to put a pot up on a shelf behind me, (the time was 17.40) my eye caught something on the carpeting long one wall in the kitchen... YONAH! HE WAS JUST STANDING THERE, IN THE KITCHEN, WATCHING ME AT THE BASIN! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG HE'D BEEN THERE, BUT... THERE HE WAS, JUST AS CALM AND FINE AS HE COULD BE! Yes, he's come for a “fly-through” before, flying in from his room, across the kitchen, and looping right back to his house, as if he'd just come through to make sure I was there. BUT THIS TIME, HE'D WALKED OUT OF HIS ROOM, ACROSS THE CARPETING AND WAS JUST STANDING RIGHT THERE! So I knelt down and asked “Who're you looking for, you?” And Yonah just looked up at me, as if answering “You! Who ELSE would be in this kitchen?” I wanted to get a photo of him there, and as I headed into his room where the camera was... HE FOLLOWED ME! HONESTLY... HE'S BECOMING MORE LIKE A PUPPY IN THAT, HE WALKS RIGHT ALONG BESIDE OR IN FRONT OF ME! He does the same when I move about in his room too. But... as we got just into his room, he took flight and headed right into his house! Seems that's all he wanted... me to be back where I “belonged”... in his room, at the work table, where he could see me and know that I was there.
(I can't help but think, as these moments happen, that there are those who would sooner take him away... Well, it just goes to strengthen my resolve that “people” are obviously NOT the “highest on the evolutionary ladder”, NOT the “most intelligent” species. And I'm glad that I get the opportunity to prove it... with each and every page of this Journal.)
And so, I finished the kitchen work and... when Yonah saw me bring the lap-top back into his room, he hopped over to finish his evening meal. As far as he was concerned... “Life had returned to it's proper place”. And as I approached his house, he turned, gave me TWO “wing-snaps”. He wanted attention, contact! So, we got a few snuggles and cuddles in and Yonah? OFF! Out of his house, up to his roof where he stood at the front edge, staring at me and... MORE WING-SNAPS! Yep... Life was “normal” again and he was in the mood to play. And so, of course, we did, with great pleasure and gusto!
And me... never considering my-self to be a “bird person”... Well? Yonah isn't “just a bird”... he isn't even “just a dove”... THIS Little Guy is... well... “HEART-AND-SOUL”! AMAZING! AWE-INSPIRING! BRILLIANT!
(19.54 And here's ANOTHER bit to add to the day... again... directly from Yonah's Journal page...) Now, in closing this day, one last bit for the reader-ship...
The clock was moving toward “the” hour... 19.30, and I'm trying to keep a regular schedule now for Yonah... for “tuck-in” time anyway. When he decides he wants to be awake, that's entirely up to him. But, at night, he'd have been on a perch some-where already for at least an healthy hour, so...
Anyway, I was sitting at the work table, jotting today's events and Yonah was, as he is of his usual, on his door perch, soaking in the warmth of the radiator. I turned to him and softly “chirped” (as is recorded and included):
“Seepie-nigh-night”...
And he turned, looked up at his “night perch” in readiness to hop up there and, when I asked “Are you ready for seepie-nigh-night?” HE TOOK WING AND HEADED DIRECTLY TO HIS NIGHT SPOT... THEN OVER TO THE LITTLE DOVE IN THE MIRROR! HE NOW UNDERSTANDS... “SEEPIE-NIGH-NIGHT”! HONESTLY, THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO MOURNING DOVES THAN THEY'RE GIVEN CREDIT FOR! THESE LITTLE GUYS ARE BRILLIANT! AWE-PROVOKINGLY BRILLIANT !!! They're beautiful, charming, a delight to hear as they coo in the trees. But they're BRILLIANT !!! HOW I SO WISH I COULD JUST FIGURE A WAY TO LET THE WORLD KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSING... WHAT THEY'RE MURDERING IN THE NAME OF “FUN” !!! Well, maybe SOMEBODY will see this Journal and get through to this point and learn... LEARN... and spread the word!
THIS just covers the ENTIRE day! And on this, I'm going to post to the servers because I'm at the kitchen table, the house is set at 62F for the night, and thankfully, it isn't BITTER out there at the moment. And I'm TIRED! But I won't be going to bed TOO early because, well... it really doesn't do me much good. Last night's 21.30 was delightful until I got to bed... and all through the night, I kept waking until, when it was time to get up, I was exhausted from trying to sleep. Oh... I'm actually living all those accounts I used to just hear from the “Old Folks”. - Speaking of which and whom... if memory serves... “sister” hit her 61st this year... SAILING into “old” too, that one. I thought, as I do from time-to-time: I could have and probably should have sued the shit right the hell out of her and that thing she married! And pulled the little shit (brother) in on it as an “accessory to the crime”. But chances are, that change wouldn't have made my own life any easier, and, as “time and history” run, HEY! I wouldn't be here WITH YONAH! Besides... I've nothing to say about how her life rolled along. She's gone through her own Hell... so much so. I'm not even implying that I'm any “better” than she. I'm most certainly not. I've pulled my share of shit in this life-time. But... inheritances... the 50s and 100s I'd sent so that she could feed her kids... being able to run to the parents when in need... Oh... “baggage” that I won't be hauling when I “leave”. May as well do with it as I did with Ren's things that he'd left me with on 232nd and that I left behind when I left Naples Terrace... just leave it... (Imagine if I'd kept that? If I still had my “all”... all these years... these... almost 50 years later!) - Speaking of which... gee... still not a blip from “Mindy”... I wonder... Well, what-ever the situation there... I'd given all that art-work as gone... and so it is. But I still can't help but feel quite “abused” by it all. Oh well... more “baggage”... time to leave it at the station. - 20.34 SO much for being "on time" or even "early"! SOME-HOW, along the line here, I managed to fuck THIS Journal up! I'm still not sure if I've put it back in order, but some-how I managed to insert ALL of Yonah's Journal page into this one and never noticed until I'd coded it and previewed it! So I've gone through to "clean it up"... AND WORSE... I FUCKED THE BACK-UP TOO! I honestly have NO idea how or when but... I'm leaving this as it is here. At least it's only one day and from what I see... it's OK. (But I've taken night pills LATE! Well? Bed by 22.00 tonight... I was hoping to be up at 5.00 again, tomorrow, to get on with the course... we shall see. Right now... I'm posting to servers before I fuck anything else up.) - 22.30 Fine and so oh well... Fucked another night's goal up.... Let's see how “late” I get out of the bed tomorrow now... I suppose it's good that it isn't 23.30! Fukme.
Thu.06.Jan:
16.04 COMPLETED AND CERTIFIED !!!
6.38 my “morning routine” is done...
Woke out of a NIGHT-MARE this morning at about 2.40, “October 1st”:
I was in the bed-room (or kitchen) here, when I heard tremendous hand-slamming in the living-room! Thinking it was somebody at the door, I went to look and as I got to the kitchen-living-room wall I say NELL, KNEELING on a sofa that was against the font wall to the left of the door, facing the wall! The front door was WIDE open, and too, the screen door! her car was just visible, parked out front. SHE was slapping the wall frantically and screaming hysterically “HA HA HA! It's OVER! It's OVER! You're GONE! You're GONE! HA HA HA!” and she just kept laughing, repeating, hysterically! And there was a horrid odour, a stench, emanating from her and filling the entire house! Stale, old tobacco, and filthy cigarettes! It was so thick that it burned the eyes, nose and throat! I was LIVID! AND I was terrorised by the fact that she'd opened the door and let herself IN! The door had been LOCKED so SHE HAD THE KEY!
I tried to yell at her but, as it happens in night-mares, I was SO taken in RAGE that I couldn't get words out, and my voice was raspy and choked!
“GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! I PAY TO BE HERE, THIS IS MY HOUSE AND I WANT YOUR FILTHY, BIGOTED, INSTIGATING, BIASED, IGNORANT ARSE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! NOW! I'M PHONING THE FUCKING POLICE! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW! GET THE FUCK OUT AND DON'T YOU *EVER* COME NEAR THIS DOOR AGAIN AS LONG AS I'M IN RESIDENCE AT THIS ADDRESS! GET YOUR FILTHY, FUCKING, NASTY, FILTHY ARSE THE FUCK OUT. NOW!”
But she just kept up with her hysterics, slamming the wall.
I went looking for one of the phones that I could use to contact the police, of course, none of which had any particular service so I couldn't just use 911 and I didn't know which of the phones had a direct number for any of the police. I fumbled with three phones and finally just decided to fake a call. As I was talking into the dead phone, telling nobody, really, what was going on and that I wanted her arrested and taken away, Nell got up from the sofa and went out the door, still in her hysterics. She went next door to the Reiners' where Alvin stepped out to meet her on his front porch. Nell continued with her hysteria and Alvin smiled and laughed as he spoke to her. HE TOO, was in on it, and probably gave her the key to get in!
I went out the back door, and headed through the yard, which was on a back street, similar to the side-streets of Broad Channel. I headed up to the next block, thinking I could get a proper connection with the phone, but couldn't get a signal of any sort.
On my way back to the house, I passed “Jeff's”, a 2-storey house where, on the second storey, there was a gathering of locals, and Nell was in there with them. They were ALL laughing as if at some sort of party, and Nell was STILL in her hysteria! I could hear her from the street below.
As I made my way back to to the house, people started coming out of Jeff's because they'd seen me, and they were following me... or “coming at me”, and they kept yelling at me:
“IT'S ALL OVER ON THE 1ST OF OCTOBER!” and “YOU'RE GONE! IT'S ALL OVER ON THE 1ST OF OCTOBER!”
Apparently, they'd connived with Alden and I was to be thrown out on the 1st of October... in a matter of some few weeks! Nothing had been said to me, no “notice”, no complaints, nothing. But “the villagers” were like some psychotic posse, walking behind me and occasionally surrounding me and yelling “IT'S ALL OVER ON THE 1ST OF OCTOBER!”
I was all the more enraged by the notion that THEY'D conspired and connived, cohorts of Alden, to simply evict me, with-out legal protocol or notice of any sort. I thought of phoning Alden but realised that he was in on the whole ordeal and there was no sense in talking with him. I kept walking back to the house.
Peter came out of the crowd, walked toward me and he too said “IT'S ALL OVER ON THE 1ST OF OCTOBER! YOU'RE SO OUT OF HERE, AT LAST!” So he too, was in on it all and I thought: If HE'S in on this, it's no surprise, really. There's no 'law' in this shit-hole. They're ALL completely insane. And now they're all rallying in support of that filth! That ignorant, instigating moron! Mindless idiots. And Peter is in on it too! I just need to focus on what I need to do to get out of here before they can inflict harm and damage!
Some guy came along the street and another came toward him and asked what was going on. The one replied:
“Do you know who that is?” pointing at me.
The other replied, in a some-what disgusted tone:
“That's the porch-smoker!”
When Peter tried to cross my way, to keep me from getting to the house, he said:
“We've made it easier for you to handle what we're going to do with you. We've kicked-down your fence.”
(I had no “fence”. I had NO idea WHAT he was talking about... neither the mention of the “fence” nor “what we're going to do with you”.)
I just turned to him and in a simple, apathetic and clear voice said:
“Would you care to tell me just what it is I've done that makes you all believe I deserve THIS? I don't bother any of you. I don't come out of the house. So what have you got against me?” And I immediately regretted having asked because I heard my voice and it sounded more “contrite” than angry and, all the while, the white-hot rage was steadily building inside me! I really wanted to strike somebody... particularly Nell for having barged into the house, freely, causing the commotion in the first place, instigating all of this bull-shit fuckerie AND for polluting the house with her STENCH!
But... before I could get any sort of answer... I woke... calmly, quietly, as if the night-mare never happened.
I laid in the bed for a few moments, pondering whether or not to get up to “record” the night-mare, trying to analyse it... “1st of October”? WHAT? Why that date? So I decided to “record” me telling it, on the old ATT phone at bed-side. When I played it back, the “recording” was so LOW that it almost can't be heard. I was whispering because I didn't want Yonah to hear my voice and be disturbed. I decided I'd simply try to get back to sleep... it was going for 3.00, I could have gotten up, or I could try for a “nap” until the 5.00 alarm... I just figured that, since I'd recorded the dream now, I'd remember it when I woke... and I went back to sleep until the alarm sounded. I turned it off, dozed back off and woke with the 6.00 alarm. - Now I'm just wondering: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS NIGHT-MARE? Was it because of seeing that horrid thing (Nell) the other day? It's back in the area, and that sickens me. Is it because, every time I step out onto the front porch I'm reminded of the gutlessness of this hamlet? The shit-attitude of the ones across the main? The fucking lunatic in the back flat? Was it the stench of smoke I detected in Yonah's room during the day yesterday? And WHAT IS “THE 1ST OF OCTOBER”? IS THIS SOME SORT OF PREMONITORY DREAM? Well... I'm up and about, having coffee... and now it's 7.18 and I was going to get to lessons this morning but it doesn't appear I'll be doing much of that since I've run amok here. - I need, at some point, to get to town... smokes and foil-paper, probably another bag of food for the birds. Pondering the skip. I don't know. It's supposed to be a “mixed” sort of day. But the truck SHOULD be run. (I'm just nervous about the exhaust system falling apart now.... Always something.) So? So... just roll along... - Yonah should be waking soon and THAT will help get this day settled into “normal”... what-ever that might be. But... it will be with Yonah and THAT'S all that matters to me anyway. - 7.24 Furnace is running. MUST address that! (And ought to check the oil again... FUCK! OH! Just HOLD until the 15th!) - I'm having a bit of a “time” with this typing this morning... errors, I know what coding I want to include but it's not coming out correctly, and I'm transposing letters! Fuck... the brain's gone this morning too? - 8.46 The clock read “8.13” and still no “morning call”. OK. I was in my usual “panic”, so I got up and ventured into Yonah's room. Although he's on the top shelf already, he wasn't exactly “ready” to get up this morning. But then, it IS a rather “dark” morning, and there are the lightest flocons falling out there. The rest of the house was chilly, in spite of my having kicked the furnace when I woke. But his room was (and is) a comfy 25° (for now... I have the door open but will “rectify” that in a moment). Still, I'm “concerned” that he was hesitant about getting up this morning. We shall see, as the day progresses, I've no doubt. I can only “HOPE”... as I do... with every breath. - MEANWHILE, A MENTION: I KICKED THE FURNACE UP A TOUCH, AS I DID YONAH'S “MORNING ROUTINE” AND IT STINKS... OF OIL! AGAIN! I'VE READ THAT THIS MEANS THAT THE FURNACE ISN'T BURNING-OFF ALL THE OIL AS IT CYCLES! STILL, I DON'T LIKE THE ODOUR... THE FUMES! Last night's night-mare: “October 1st”? Never mind then... I need to get out of this trap! Not for me... but if this shit poisons Yonah... I swear I'll turn the lot back to Nature before I leave! I'm tired, fed-up, sickened by it all. What a fucking shame... This was my return to NY (what a fuck that's become), and my “settling in the Adirondacks”... Once again, I guess I didn't specify the “hopes and dreams” that it would be PEACEFUL and a GOOD life. BUT THIS SHIT WITH THE FURNACE PISSES ME OFF! THE SMOKE FROM NEXT DOOR. THE NIGHTLY WORRY ABOUT THAT THING BANGING INTO THE WALLS. What a true shit-box... And that Mass-hole... Maybe too, it's the fact that the transfer from the 3rd STILL hasn't gotten to the NY account. I'm pissed as all Hell about THAT too! VT says it could take 3-5 business days... Well... it had BETTER get there before the loan payment is due or else! - OK. I'm at the work table... I'm going for “class” this morning. (And Ms. Robin has arrived... I could just go for a lie-down already. It's aggravation... it's tiring.) - 11.15 I DON'T FRIGGIN BELIEVE IT! I LAID DOWN AT ABOUT 9.15, SET AN ALARM FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES... HEARD THE ALARM AND... TURNED IT OFF AND WENT RIGHT BACK TO DEEP SLEEP UNTIL 11.00 !!! WHAT? WHY? TWO HOURS OUT OF THE DAY! BUT... NOW THE SUN IS SHINING, I'M IN FROM CHECKING THE POST (NOTHING) AND... MY BODY HAS TO RE-START! AND ALL THE WHILE... POOR YONAH... JUST LOUNGED IN HIS MOSS. - I'm off to more “class” now! - 20.27 It's late and I'm tired and THRILLED and the CERTIFICATE IS FRAMED AND ON THE LIVING-ROOM WALL! - And all I can really say about today is...
I'll paste from Yonah's page again because it really IS ALL ABOUT HIM... and I'll just add “closing comments”
***** And so... as time passed, Yonah and I DID have the ENTIRE day together today! With determination, I sat at the work table, as Yonah's room became FLOODED with BRILLIANT SUN-LIGHT, and the temperature there rose to a delightful 25°, and Yonah nestled into his moss-nest beside me as I studied, learned, took copious notes, and went through the “quizzes” at the end of each module ... and the closer I got to "completion" the more excited I became to get through the entirety and get that "Certificate" so that, should ANYBODY have ANYTHING to say on the matter of Yonah being here, I can, at the very least, in addition to all of the documentation that's become his "web-site" show that I am making the effort to be able to provide him (and his) with the best-possible care, treatment and LOVE! (Personally, I don't much care for or about "papers on a wall"... "certificates", diplomas, degrees, but, sadly-enough, they seem to mean all too much to all too many others... especially those who wish to create "disturbances" and "perturbations" so... ) And, as well, the information in the course is fascinating, and reads like a good book that's almost impossible to put down! So... I just continued along until... I COMPLETED THE CERTIFICATION COURSE FOR “WILD BIRD RESCUE”
HOW I WISH I'D HAD ALL THAT INFORMATION ON THE 13 OCTOBER 2020! But, as I look at Yonah today, and how all that I've done has worked-out, I have to say that, had I done anything differently... well... perhaps the original plan of releasing him in the Spring would have gone through... and had that been the case and situation, well, honestly, I wouldn't be here recording this on his Journal... I wouldn't have completed this course... and, the bottom line: in all likelihood, I wouldn't be here... I just wouldn't “be”. He was the ONLY reason and cause for me to attend to my own health-care situation then. He has been the ONLY reason and cause for me to attend to it even now. And, to see him today, knowing what we went through that Winter of 2020-2021, as strong and healthy as he is, flying about his own room, bathing even when the temperatures out-side are sub-freezing, eating all the very best, healthiest foods I can find, his feathers are beautiful, healthy, even those “black and bleeding pin feathers” have stopped coming in and his wing feathers are so strong and healthy now... especially after that last moutling; his “voice” is clear and beautiful, his energy is magnificent, and his curiosity and sense of adventure is bright and sharp, well... he's obviously rather happy here, in his large and spacious house, with beach, pool and wood-land. AND... I dare say, he's happy having me as his companion. (And I still hold the hope of, one day, giving him another dove to be an even better companion... soon, I hope.)
But the course was truly BRILLIANT! And I've learned SO much more than I even had imagined. If, may Heavens forbid, another dove, or other Little One, be in need of help... I'm prepared to provide, And, may the Heavens forbid, Yonah should ever need some sort of “rescue” intervention, I'm prepared to provide him with that as well. It's quite a glorious day, all told.
And Yonah tolerated my pre-occupation ever-so well all day. We were together, his bird-songs playing, no radio, no other distractions (and I dare say, the bird-songs encouraged me to just continue with the lessons because they served as a reminder of the “goal”). When I came across an item of “particular interest” (to me, anyway), we “discussed” it. I asked him his opinion of my conclusion and, really rather quite often, he'd stare at me and tilt his head! He DOES “understand” that I'm talking to him, even though he doesn't “understand” what I'm saying. But then too, I understand that he's talking to me when he calls and coo's, even though I truly don't and truly can't understand what he's saying. Some-how though, we managed. And I'd almost swear that there were times when his expression changed when I spoke. Sometimes it appeared that he was asking “Why are you asking ME?”, or “I believe you know the answer to that already.” And then too, there were the times when he just wanted to play, and he'd stand up and give a “wing-snap”... my only real distraction all day. (And, of course, the lessons were put “on hold” whilst we jousted, and cuddled, and he preened my hand... and all until he either simply walked away or flew to another spot... in his house or in the room.)
And as I learned from the course, the necessities to administer to Little Ones in need of help, I did and DO understand that the purpose of “Rescue” and, as stated, “husbandry” as it relates to “rescue” is to bring the Little Ones back to proper health and condition where they can be returned to their flock(s) (which was my heart-felt intention with Yonah from the very beginning and all through the early time together)... the repetition of “law”, and “permits” and such kept gnawing at me, as it does even now as I type this (with the certificate hanging, now, proudly, in a frame, on the living-room wall where all can see)...
* There are are “laws” prohibiting the “capture” and the “keeping” of mourning doves, “migratory birds”, and “legal limitations” to the length of time one may provide services to those who are injured and in need of attention and help. There are “laws”, “rules”, “regulations” that state that any-one “in possession” of an injured mourning dove must hand them over to a “Rehabilitator” who will then either take the dove for what-ever duration s/he deems fit and proper or will then pass the dove onto another person who will decide where to “place” or... “dispose of” the dove. BUT... these very same “laws”, “rules”, “regulations” also provide permission to, simply for the sake of “sport”, for “pleasure”, for some sort of demented, psychotic “joy”, just go out and out-right MURDER mourning doves! And as for killing them for FOOD? All one need do is look at the size of these Little Lives to know, all-full-well that there's precious little to them that would provide even meagre sustenance. And with all the larger creatures available for such, there is, in the mind of the sane, logical and rational, NO sense, no need to murder such a benign being... and a SENTIENT little being! Oh yes, I completely understand the need for a law prohibiting the “capture” and “taking” simply for the sake of “possessing”. And in such a case, I see no fault in imposing the heftiest of punishments for such activities. Let me just say that, indeed, it would delight me to be able to provide Yonah with a mourning dove companion, and, in my location and with those that come to eat the food that I provide for them, surely, I could, with ease, “capture” one from the flock here. But to what end? For what purpose other than personal “greed”? To “capture”, to “take” a Life from its natural habitat, deny it its birth-right to the open skies and wood-lands... Even the very thought sickens me. And still, “laws” permit open murder, but give no allowance for those who give of heart and soul... to provide for, protect, LOVE and CHERISH these little ones... especially when they honestly could not survive in the environment and habitat into which they were born. Ah... “Humans”... the “highest on the evolutionary ladder”. The only “sentient” beings in Creation. The only species capable of “intelligence” and “learning” and “knowing”. And I close this diatribe with one point of incontrovertible fact:
It was a human who posited “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was God. And God created all things including man. And God gave man dominion over all the Earth.” It was a “human” who recorded the claim. The very same species that, when it prays, admits “Lord, I am not perfect.”
I leave this at that. *
The rest of the day went along peacefully, pleasantly and wonderfully, especially when I'd completed the course and saw the little "box" on the screen that offered: “Get Your Certificate”! And so I did, I "clicked" and the "Certificate" appeared on the lap-top screen! I'd completed the course and when I'd done, Yonah was on the futon and we “celebrated” together with play, and cuddles and snuggles, and pecks and kisses! My Teacher, Professor, Mentor! And as he flew about the room, from shelves to house, to what's become one of his favourite places... the floor, I busied with framing and hanging the certificate. Now, there's tangible evidence that Yonah is in the care of someone who truly DOES put HIS needs in "priority" and who DOES truly hold him in LOVE and HIGHEST esteem! *****
I HAD TO RUN YONAH'S AIR FILTER AGAIN TODAY! THE QUNT WAS BACK AND THE SMOKE CAME INTO THE ROOM AND YONAH COO'ED! AS HE DOES WHEN THAT HAPPENS. HE'S SENSITIVE TO THAT STENCH. IT'S OVER-POWERING, REALLY. CHEAP SHIT SO-CALLED “TOBACCO”. THE THING SMOKES THOSE “RESERVATION” CIGARETTES AND THEY'RE HEAVIER THAN “NEWPORTS”! I'VE TRULY HAD ALL I CAN STAND OF THIS BULL-SHIT! AT THIS POINT, I DON'T REALLY MUCH CARE HOW... OR HOW FAR... OR EVEN IF IT'S TO THE FLAT-LANDS, BUT WE HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT-BOX! I CAN'T HELP BUT REMEMBER, REPEATEDLY, HOW I WAS TOLD “NO MIMOU” AND NO SMOKING! AND WHEN I TOLD THE MASS-HOLE HOW I USED TO WALK DOWN TO THE BRIDGE TO KEEP THE SMOKE FROM GOING INTO JOAN'S PLACE, AND HOW I WOULDN'T DREAM OF SMOKING ON THE BACK GALLERY BECAUSE THE SMOKE WOULD GO DIRECTLY INTO HER KITCHEN... THERE'S NO CONSIDERATION OF MY EFFORTS AND, INSTEAD, IT'S ALL IGNORED. AH... “KINDNESS HATH NO PLACE IN THIS HELL-HOLE ! WELL THEN... MAY THE HEAVENS HELP THEM IF ANYTHING HARMFUL SHOULD COME TO YONAH BECAUSE OF THAT ONE NEXT DOOR. THIS ADDRESS WON'T BE SUITABLE AS PARK OR CAR-PARK AND I'LL LEAVE A LEGACY THAT THEY ALL CAN REMEMBER... I'VE TRULY HAD IT! JUST TRULY TAKEN ALL THAT CAN BE TOLERATED, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS. OH, FOR THE MOMENT WHEN THIS CAN ALL BE PUBLICLY “DOXXED”, AS THEY CALL IT! BUT “FATE” HAS ALWAYS BEEN KIND, AFTER A COURSE. THE DAY AND THE MOMENT WILL COME. “IT'S OUT THERE.”, AS DEB, IN THE GENERAL STORE, DID TELL.
22.30 And later than thought, again. Let's see what the night brings...
Fri.07.Jan: 7.04 It's wt on the road this morning. And I didn't want to get out of the bed again. And last night? Sum it up: back brace. Left foot. That's that. - In a rather “sour” mood, this morning. It's this house. Oh well. “One of those days”... ANOTHER one of those days. - But I'm dressed. And here I am. - Need to make a run into town. And that puts me “off” anyway. So? So... we'll see how the day rolls. - 7.47 Well... caught this Journal up... made corrections to Yonah's for yesterday. And the bloody ploughs are passing along the main... how delightful... not. - Looks like the snows (flocons) will be coming (officially) at about noon... so I'll have to get me together and get what I need to do done before then. Oh well... “incentive”, I suppose. And, thankfully, the “bitter cold” for next week is back down to Monday and Tuesday... still... -28° for the temperature... but seriously, at the moment, I just can't understand... THE PLOUGHS... YOU'D THINK WE WERE SOME SORT OF MAJOR ARTERY ACROSS THE NATION! Fucking DOLTS! Anything to appear “busy” and “necessary”. Ah but 'tis “one of those days”... 'tis. And -18° for tonight. - Oh well... I'm going to get all this to the servers whilst I may... and the rest of the day will prove itself... as it does and will. - 8.00 DONE! Now... quick smoke and check on Yonah! It's been quiet this morning... again... - 11.11 Back from FamDoll, Aubuchons (Finch Blend... sunflower seeds), Gas at 20$ almost full tank, market... and ALL sans-masque! Looks like folks are just getting fed-up with the jolly bull-shit fuckerie! Poor employees are FORCED to wear masks though... so there's a bit more time. But I wonder when SOMEBODY will suddenly find a race of dignity and just stop this fuck-fest. These “viruses” are nothing “new” and there's so much conflicting shit flying about them. Oh... but for those of us who remember... this is the same as the old “AIDS” and “Ebola” scares... only just taken to an extreme. I keep saying: The best part of it all is that it's bringing the truly mentally feeble into the lime-light and we should be damned-frightened because there's all too many of them wandering about... too damned freely. In the good old days... they'd be in institutions. - Anyway... let me fill-in about this morning and Yonah... Here's another “quote” from his page that covers it all perfectly well....:
“Not a sound, not a call, not a “coo” on this grey, chilly-damp morning. So, as the clock made its way to 8.00, I decided to “have a check-in”... Ever-so quietly, but with a soft whisper (I wouldn't move about Yonah's room in complete silence because, well, a large being, moving silently... too much opportunity to be perceived as a predator!), I made my way to the end of his futon and had a sit-down. Not only was he in his usual spot, but his head was extended, he'd been watching me as I made my way over to his house and now he was staring directly at me! But still, not a sound. Not even a little “coo”. So I wondered if he was OK. He didn't even reply when I said “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... so yes, I was “concerned” until he stretched his wings and gave a shake. It was a “normal” morning and Yonah was just “lounging” in the early-morning warmth of his radiator and the dim morning light as it made its way through blinds and curtains.
So, I opened the door to his house and... he hopped across to the other perch at the opposite side. Now THAT was a welcome relief! The top half-board on his roof was removed and as the light “from above” reached him, Yonah was “animated”! So I moved his house round, as I have to, and removed the back board. Made my way to the windows and as I opened the last of the two sets of curtains and blinds... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo-hoo!” It was “Good morning” to the little dove in the “loft-mirror” and THEN, the little dove in the front mirror and THEN, as I got things together to get to the changing of the waters... it was a “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” to ME! “Good mornings” all round! And our day was off and rolling! (And my heart was dancing along, smile on my face. My Little Heart-and-Soul was awake, up, about and obviously fine!) So I stuck my head in for “Good morning kisses” and indeed... there were plenty this morning. Hey! Yonah wasn't only just awake and feeling fine... I was still in his “good graces”! No more needed to be said.
Ah, but the next little “move”... I was standing at the kitchen basin, filling the first containers with fresh water for his pool when... FLUTTER-FLUTTER-FLUTTER- WHISTLE-WHISTLE-WHISTLE! YONAH WAS ON A “FLY-THROUGH” IN THE KITCHEN THIS MORNING! He flew in, flew toward the back door (NO COLLISIONS! HE DOESN'T DO THOSE ANY MORE!), made the turn and headed right back to his house! I was under surveillance! Thankfully, I was where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there! And what made it all the more “entertaining” is, when I got into his room with the first of the fresh water, he'd made his “fly-through” and gone right back to his house... and to the little “moss nest” he's made, at the front of his house, and there he was, all snuggled-in, as if he'd been there all along. “Flying? Who? ME? Nope. Not this morning. Nope.” I HAD to laugh! I just HAD to!”
15.45 IT TURNS OUT THAT IT WAS A DAMNED GOOD THING I BROUGHT THE TRANSFER FROM VT-TO-NY TO SOMEBODY'S ATTENTION! GOT A CALL TODAY... FROM VT... (BLESS THEM, THEY REMIND ME SO MUCH OF “ALTHEA” AND “IRVING TRUST”... HOW MY HEART ACHES FOR THOSE DAYS... AND “BANERJ”... I REALLY HAVE HAD SOME “QUALITY POSITIONS” IN MY LIFE-TIME. I OUGHT, ONE DAY, TO LIST THEM.... FOR SHIT'S SAKE.) SEEMS THERE WAS A “FILE” THAT CONTAINED SEVERAL SUCH TRANSACTIONS FROM VARIOUS CUSTOMERS, THAT “SOME-HOW GOT DROPPED”. IN OTHER WORDS... ALMOST VANISHED! AH... COMPUTERS. ANYWAY, THE FUNDS WILL BE RE-POSTED TO MY VT ACCOUNT AND I'LL HAVE TO PUT IN FOR ANOTHER TRANSFER. (I'M CONTEMPLATING JUST WRITING A CHEQUE AND SEEING HOW LONG THE “FOLKS” AT THE C.U. WILL HOLD THE FUNDS... I'M JUST CONTEMPLATING... THOSE CHEQUES ARE FOR RENT... THUS FAR. OH WELL... WHAT-EVER. I NEED MORE CONTROL OVER THESE TRANSACTIONS AND I'LL JUST HAVE TO BE INCONVENIENCED BY GOING INTO TOWN ON THE 3RD EVERY MONTH. WE SHALL SEE. IT MIGHT BE GOOD FOR THE TRUCK THOUGH, ESPECIALLY IN WINTER? AGAIN... WE SHALL SEE.) - THE REALLY MISERABLE, SHITTY BIT: THE “WOODHAULER” NUMBER DIDN'T RING THROUGH NOW! THESE PHONES ARE ABOUT TO MAKE ME WANT TO THROAT-PUNCH SOMEBODY! BUT, TRUTH IS: IT'S ALL JUST LITTLE COMPONENTS OF THE ABSOLUTE APATHETIC INCOMPETENCE THAT'S SO PREVALENT THESE DAYS. OH... SO TO BE SO OLD... !!! FUCK! - Mean-while, somebody rang on the 0517 number insisting that they received a call from that. I wouldn't really doubt that Skype did ring. I hadn't touched the phone, and the caller came up as “Anonymous”. It was a male and he kept insisting that he'd received a call from 0517! I was curt and cut the call. Fuktards. - THEN, some guy came to the back door looking for the thing next door. Really? The BACK door? For either it or me... the BACK door? So I gave him its location and had done with it. (I'm really of NO patience these days. And I don't give a shit about it.) - NEXT! DEEP HOOVERING OF YONAH'S ROOM and the rest of the house. BUT NOW.... THE FLOOR BY THE WINDOWS IS SO FUCKING OFF-KEEL THAT, AS I MOVED YONAH'S HOUSE ABOUT TO GET TO THE SMALLER SPACE BY THE FUTON, ONE WHEEL OF THE SHELVING FLOATED !!! THIS FUCKING SHIT-BOX IS A FUCKING HAZARD WAITING TO HAPPEN !!! WE SO NEED TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE IT JUST COLLAPSES! AND NOW I'LL BE HEART-SICK WITH WORRY THAT THE FLOOR WILL “GIVE WAY” AT SOME POINT... PROBABLY AT NIGHT, PERHAPS DURING THE FREEZE-THAW-FREEZE-THAW OF THIS WINTER. WELL... SHOULD THAT HAPPEN... I'LL SUE TO OWN... THEN DEMOLISH !!! AND THAT WILL TAKE CARE OF THAT! (NO DOUBT THE THING NEXT DOOR WILL THROW ITSELF AT THE MERCY OF A COURT AS WELL... SOB-SOB-BOO-HOO-WOE-IS-ME-THE-DEFENCELESS-LITTLE-OLD-LADY !!! AFTER ALL... IT'S A “VERMONTER” NO PRIDE, NO DIGNITY... BUT LIES, LIES, AND MORE SHIT THAN THE COMBINED MANURE PITS OF ITS ORIGINS. MEAN-WHILE... I'M FUCKING WHITE-HOT-PISSED-TO-THE-FUCK OFF ABOUT THIS SHIT!
And... I'm really rather tired too. - In other news, I've “cleaned” all the notes from the “Rescue Course”, made an alphabetical index for it too. I'd LIKE to print it ALL out, with illustrations and such, and put it all into a binder... but... thanks to “sister”... those binders are GONE... as is so much else (oh, and thanks... Mindy). (Oh... Mindy, Cindy... here we go! Another “Shedrick” perhaps?) So much bull-shit... I really can't understand it. I stay in the house, talk with/to no-one... I'm still wondering about the dream about “the first of October”. - But I'm tired... and it's already 16.02! THIS FUCKING DAY... of grey, chill, damp... precious little snow... JUST PASSED TOO QUICKLY... AGAIN... LIKE THE OTHERS! - 18.08 A good evening meal... veggies, taters, chicken and even had time for a little ice cream after. AND... Yonah's waters have been changed, windows are closed... and there's snow flying about out-side. (BUT... I DIDN'T GET TO THE CELLAR TO CHECK THE OIL AND THE BITTER-FREEZE IS COMING! I'LL HAVE TO CHECK IN THE MORNING... JUST TO BE SURE. ALTHOUGH... THERE'S SAND TO BE BAKED SO THERE'S OVEN TO BE USED... NOT THAT IT HELPS TO HEAT THE HOUSE, BUT...) - And Yonah was eating and is now on the door perch... and I'm off to JOURNAL. - AND TONIGHT, it's not a matter of “I'd like” but “I MUST” shower. It's time. So let's rock'n'roll! - 20.35 The house is still. Yonah is tucked-in for the night. The snow that came down earlier is completely gone! I've no idea how, but it's as if it never happened. And though it isn't “warm” tonight, thankfully, it isn't all that cold either. (I still need to check the oil though... and HOPE it pulls us through until, at the very least, next Thursday! One way or another though... one room in this house will be perfectly warm... even if I have to put BOTH radiators in it. And should anything in the house freeze? e.g. the plumbing? FUKKIT! I don't, can't and won't have any shits or fucks to give. Hey! The terracottas will provide SOME extra warmth... and thankfully, there's over 400 tea-lights to be used. I'm not going to panic over it... The ONLY room I care about is Yonah's! And with his floor being as un-even as it is... I'm going to have to check THAT as well... pull his house away, lift the carpeting... and if worse comes to worst... figure a way to move him into the bed-room... and THAT will be a project... since that room is so bloody-fucking COLD!) Oh... this place is turned into a right fucking head-ache! - I have to move along... I WILL be taking a shower before bed tonight. And I need to start getting Yonah's room together because... come Sunday night, we'll be bunking together... which means... I'll be hitting the futon earlier! I'm not about to disturb him at 23.00! So... - I've got quite a bit of work to do tomorrow... at his work table so... no matter the weather... we'll be together. - Oh... and that new “wild finch food”... it's got sun-flower and Niger in it! Not much of either, but I've got plenty of sun-flower seeds AND peanuts (I bought more at market today) to add... for the bitter nights to come! So... GRINDING TIME TOO! (That thing next door ought to be quite happy that Yonah is here because, if I were here alone... I'd be Hoovering, grinding and banging about pretty much the same as I did in Rockaway with that qunt, Lorraine, next door!) - 20.50 POSTING TIME! - 22.06 -18/-24 at 6.00 tomorrow morning! HERE WE GO! I MUST, MUST, ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY MUST CHECK THE OIL SITUATION! - AND... I'M DOUBTFUL THAT THERE'S ENOUGH WATER FOR A SHOWER! THIS IS JUST PISSING ME OFF... LAST MOMENT OF A DAY! AND THE FURNACE IS RUNNING! Oh well... I'm off to TRY for a shower... THIS should prove... annoying. - 22.45 SHOWERED! THERE WAS WATER! THERE WAS ENOUGH FOR A GOOD SCRUB! AT LAST! OH THE RELIEF! THE LITTLE “JOYS”. (At this rate, I could build a shack in the woods, on a brook, and have more confidence in the presence of water... even in dead-centre Winter! What a shit-box this place actually is. Between the water, and the shifting... Well? At least it's better than nothing, better than an igloo... and just a step up from a public homeless shelter... though not a shelter in NYC where, how I remember the Winter nights of sweating in the bed.) - I suppose I need to be more “appreciative”... Now... off to bed! I'll set early alarms for the morning... to make sure we're heated! As long as Yonah's warm... the rest can rot. - Good night.
Sat.08.Jan: 7.54 The better I sleep of a night, the more tired I am of a morning. And I slept last night... all through, disturbed only by the alarms... 6.30, 7.00 and the 7.30 that got me out of bed... before Yonah wakes. (I didn't hear the 6.00 though... I have to change that alarm-sound.) It's -17 with a chill of -21 presently... the furnace was running at 6.30... I woke, heard it, knew that it was running and dozed back to sleep. It was running at 7.30 too. (And, sadly, it's just kicked-up again, but that's because I've just come in from a smoke on the front porch.) I need, MUST check the oil soon. - AND THERE WERE MOURNING DOVES AND Mrs. CARDINAL AT THE TRAY ON THE BACK GALLERY THIS MORNING WHEN I LOOKED OUT, AS THE KETTLE BOILED! I MUST MAKE SURE TO PUT THE “FAT FOODS” OUT FOR THEM EARLIER! - And “Glennie” rolled by as I was having my smoke, adding to this morning's “thoughts”:
The name “Brock”... suddenly, this morning, associated with LC...vaguely but there it was. And the “Mindy/Cindy” association too, came to mind. Looking for my actual, physical location? I have to wonder. And, stupid of me to believe the claims, but when “Mindy” said that she has a painting of “what looks like the Poughkeepsie Bridge”... well, that's on-line, so she could very well have pulled that from having seen it on the site and, in reality, has nothing. But that she knew the history of the storage... I can't be certain any more. But this morning, I feel I've been “taken”... again, for an over-trusting fool and idiot. “Nell”, in the dream, laughing in hysteria, the screaming “You're GONE! AT LAST, YOU'RE GONE!” (I just checked, again, to see if there's any “mail” from “dear Mindy”... she has my phone numbers... so... there's something going on here. I keep TRYING to think of “better reasons” for the sudden cut in communications... illness, broken computer... something. But my “gut”... and that night-mare... SOMEBODY'S doing SOMETHING to work AGAINST me... Well? We shall see... we shall just see.) - 8.04 Morning Call! My Little Heart-and-Soul is awake! - 9.25 JUST AT THE * HALF * ON THE OIL ! THAT SHOULD CERTAINLY GET US THROUGH THE COMING FREEZE! THE TERRACOTTAS ARE LIT. NOT THAT IT MAKES FOR “TROPICAL”, BUT IT'S 22,2 IN YONAH'S ROOM... DOWN FROM THE 26,5 THIS MORNING WHEN I WENT IN WITH “THE CALL”. DOOR CLOSED A TOUCH THOUGH... WE'LL BE COMFY TODAY! I'M JUST RELIEVED TO SEE THE OIL SITUATION. - 14.07 WELL! THIS HAS BEEN A LEARNING DAY FOR ME... I'm only JUST finishing shelling peanuts, and today I see there's a *SELL-BY* on them! Only but about 2 weeks! SO... the bag that was “due” in November is now ground, mixed with the ground nuts from the fridge. I'll have to grid more for Yonah... but I've two bags that are “due” come Sunday-week. MUST keep this in mind, though, I should think that ground and in the fridge will keep them longer... for a while, anyway. AND... I ground more sun-flower seeds... and added the ground seeds from the fridge to those... AND ALL got mixed with the new “Finch” seed that I just bought at Aubuchon's... BUT THAN FINCH SEED HAD THOSE “FIBRES” IN IT! SIMILAR TO THE “PREMIUM” FROM THE THING NEXT DOOR! SO I SIFTED IT OUT, AS MUCH AS I COULD. THE SEEDS SMELL NICE... NOT AT ALL “BAD”, AND ALL GOT MIXED TOGETHER FOR A “WINTER MIX” FOR THE BIRDIES OUT-SIDE. *** AND *** AS I WAS GETTING TO WASH THE BOWLS (the kitchen was a MESS!)... I'D PUT SOME OF THE “FIBRES” IN A BIT OF CLING... TO SEND TO “AUDUBON PARK” TO ASK JUST WTAF THAT IS WHEN... THE “BUNCH” FROM THE “PREMIUM” THAT I'D HAD ON THE KITCHEN TABLE FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, HAD BEEN “OPEN TO THE AIR” AND TODAY... THE “FIBRES” WERE *GONE*! IT HAD ALL DRIED OUT AND DISAPPEARED! *** MEAN-WHILE *** AT THE EDGE OF THE BOWL WHERE I'D DUMPED THE “FIBRES” FROM THE “FINCH” SEED... A TINY WHITE “WORM”! NOTHING THAT LOOKS HORRIFIC... JUST SO TINY! SEVERAL mm IN LENGTH. SO... “LEARNING”... THE FIBRES ARE FROM THAT LITTLE WORM! NO DOUBT THE EGGS OR SOMETHING GET INTO THE SEEDS, SINCE, I'M SURE THEY'RE NEITHER GROWN NOR PROCESSED IN THE MOST “SANITARY” OF PLACES (which accounts for the “warning” on the bag that reads “Not for human consumption”). But... there are, at present, TWO of those “FamDoll” glass canisters and TWO “Liberté” yoghurt cups FULL of “Winter Mix” and, I'm rather pretty much sure that, exposed to the bitter cold of these and the following days, those “worms” will be dead, dead and gone! I have to look them up though. I doubt they're toxic, but I'd rather FEED the birds than kill them off. - So... “Sell-By” on peanuts and “fibre worms” in the birds' seed. Live and learn. - THAT ALL TOOK ME JUST OVER TWO HOURS! - And in other “YONAH” news: AS I WAS DOING THE WASHING-UP IN THE KITCHEN, I WAS WRAPPING-UP TO COME BACK TO YONAH WHEN I LOOKED INTO HIS ROOM TO SEE HIM... * IN THE POOL * !!! THE SUN POURING IN THROUGH THE WINDOWS... GLORIOUSLY! (And a check on the temperature in his room ... 22° and out-side... -8 with a chill of -10!) AND MY BESTIE LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL *REALLY* HAVING A “SPLASHING TIME OF IT! 13.40 ON AN EARLY JANUARY AFTER-NOON AND THERE HE IS... SPLASHING ABOUT! TALK ABOUT “FIVE-STAR ACCOMMODATIONS”! THIS HERE PLACE AND THE “INDOOR POOL”! WELL! IF THAT DON'T BEAT ALL! (And as I'm typing this, 14.22, I happened to see, in the corner of my left eye, a little something MOVING on the floor by his house-shelf... HE'S ON THE FLOOR, WANDERING ABOUT! WHAT A LITTLE BUNDLE OF AMAZEMENT... A LITTLE BUNDLE OF “AMAZE ME”!
Now... I STILL have printing to do and iPod music to sort and... I'm TIRED again! I missed mid-day pills too! SHIT! OK.... tooken... as it were. - Now... on with the day... and Yonah is all over the place... refreshed after his bath. (Oh... to think: and I showered last night. We're so clean!) - 20.02 Just took “night pills”, and the house is taking the “night chills” but the furnace is running and it's set at 65F (and I'll be changing that tonight... 62F... it should be just fine for Yonah, since, this morning, his room was at 26°!) but there's oil to be saved... for Monday and Tuesday nights! And MAYBE I'll make it through the 15th and call for more. 100 gallons should last through to March... not that March means anything warmer... THAT doesn't come until MAY is done but... - As the day rolled along... I did too, but I'll be damned if I know what I accomplished, other than getting the food done for the Little Ones of the Yard. Still, I feel MUCH better about that. AND I put some out for them at 16.00 for their dinner... I don't know that anybody came to get it but I hope they get to it tomorrow morning before the squirrels arrive. I'll have to keep an eye out for that. - The Journals are pretty much caught up... Yonah's is already posted to the server so I'm happy about that. I don't trust this lap-top any more and don't look forward to having to replace it too soon... I'd rather put THAT sort of money into moving the fuck out of here! - Anyway... the day was BRILLIANTLY sunny and that was a delight. Tomorrow? Well, right now it's -12/-16! SHIT! Allegedly the coldest it's to be tonight. Tomorrow...snow... 1° but -13 tomorrow night... THEN... -8 and -27 for Monday, -20! and -26 for Tuesday... and that -20 is the “HIGH”! I can ONLY HOPE that the sun on Tuesday will put SOME warmth into Yonah's room... but I'm thinking of sleeping in with him on Monday and Tuesday nights anyway... we might have to put the radiator up a touch or... bring the other one in some-how... since it only functions on “MED” now anyway. Oh well. - For now... I'm posting this to the server. There are photos of Yonah that will be added to his site tomorrow... and I have back-ups to get done... so... off we go... and HOPEFULLY TONIGHT I'LL BE FAVOURED WITH A NIGHT OF SLEEP AGAIN? NOT COUNTING ON IT BUT... - 22.05 and it's off to bed... with hopes of sleeping!
Sun.09.Jan: 7.35 Morning routine for me, is done and the whites are in the basin on a soak. AND THE MOURNING DOVES HAVE BEEN TO BREAKFAST ON THE BACK GALLERY !!! ONLY 3 OR 4 BUT... AT LEAST SOME OF THEM KNOW THAT THE FOOD IS THERE, SO OTHERS MAY FOLLOW! I can hope. And it isn't TOO awfully cold out there this morning, but there's snow in the forecast. Right then, snow today and FREEZE tomorrow (and Tuesday). - DID get a night's sleep though. Woke, of my own, at about 4-ish... as memory serves, thermostat set at 62F and yet, the house was “comfortably warm” so I dozed back off. BUT... slept THROUGH the 6.00 alarm (again), then after the 6.30. But got out of bed with the “7.00” which is before 7.00 and that's why I'm rolling at this hour. - “Feeling” this morning? “Ick”. Maybe it's all the eating I do before bed. Today, we stop all that. Too much ice cream, then corn crisps. Nope. Gotta stop it. I don't understand how I can eat mostly vegetables (which I've been doing for so long now) and still get FAT! “Stress”... of this place and current politics and the general bull-shit. And too, no exercise, honestly. Oh... things to “address”. - But right now... I have to get Yonah's photos onto the server and back things up. So? So... - And... we wait for... “The Morning Call”... A snowy day ahead... maybe... but... and... YONAH! WOOHOO! - Mr. CARDINALE IS IN THE HAMLET !!! THERE'S THE LIGHTEST DRIZZLE OF FREEZING RAIN FALLING, AND I HAD A HALFIE ON THE FRONT PORCH AND HE WAS IN THE HEMLOCK ACROSS THE MAIN !!! I'VE SEEN Mrs. THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS BUT NOT Mr. I'VE BEEN QUITE WORRIED THAT SOMETHING HAD “GOTTEN” HIM BUT... THERE HE IS! THE “FLOCKS” ARE OK! Except for the freezing drizzle and the freezing rains that are to come... AND THE BITTER, GOD-AWFUL FREEZING TEMPERATURES TO COME! I REALLY HAVE to figure SOMETHING in the way of a “box” for the Little Ones... protection, on the back gallery or in the yard. BUT FOR NOW, THE “CARDINALES” ARE STILL A COUPLE! - Meanwhile, the furnace is set at 65F and the furnace hasn't been running. We're going to make it through Tuesday! WOOHOO! (This place disgusts me.) - Working on Yonah's photos and pages and such... making mistakes and fixing... And YONAH? Seems to be doing well... on the pillows on the futon. What a character! - 18.35 I can't believe it... but I managed to get ALL of Yonah's photos to his site, including to-date on his Journal pages! AND... backed-up the “DeskTop” files... MOVED “2018-2020” from the 500G drive to the 2T (because I HAD NO CHOICE.... I NEED ANOTHER peripheral drive! this is ridiculous!)... then got ALL of Yonah's photos backed to the 1T drive... to-date. Ah... THEN TOO... got the VT account “balanced”... though the book is a MESS because Bird Care charge was 4¢ less BUT they charged 1,32 for the ForEx! Still, it was quite the bargain. And I have a “DO NOT DUPLICATE” copy of the certificate on Yonah's Journal... as well as the original PDF on the server. Backed-up... - And it was a really odd, but rather “nasty” sort of day, weather-wise... grey, then freezing drizzle, rain, a flurry, rain, wet, BUT it went UP to PLUS 2°! Ah, perfect for melting so much just before the BITTER SNAP rolls in tomorrow night! - And YONAH? He flew ALL over the place all day as I worked along... SO AFFECTIONATE TODAY TOO! One thing though... his poop is gone “dark” and I'm concerned. I HOPE it's because I put a “considerable” amount of that “moulting mix” in with his food to make sure he's getting his vit.A! I WISH he'd eat veggies... but... I still have to find some sort of “mix” that isn't LOADED with SOY! Fuck these people and their fucking SOY bull-shit! But he was in SUCH A GOOD, AND SNUGGLY MOOD ALL DAY! - And I managed, some-how, to keep his room and the house comfortably warm all day too. And NOT by running the furnace. I'm still not sure how that happened, but it did. I mean, plus 2° isn't all that warm, and with the winds and rains and freezes out-side... I just hope I can do the same tomorrow, tomorrow night, Tuesday and Tuesday night. But I'll be in Yonah's room... TO MAKE SURE HIS ROOM DOESN'T GET COLD! - But right now, I'm at the work table and need to get busy with Yonah's journal... more later... and hopefully, an “early night” to bed! I want to be “ready” for tomorrow and such! Not looking to leave the house before Wednesday. Thankfully the tank in the truck is just about full. (At least it'll keep the gas line from freezing... let's hope nothing else does. I might have to run it tomorrow... and again on Tuesday... just to run and warm it.) - 20.28 I'm just sitting here at the kitchen table, the collection of music for “Mr. G's” is playing. I have one of the little speakers attached to the iPod and it's playing low. It's 48 years since G's burned to the ground... almost 50 years... “A half century”, as mother once wrote in my calendar book. (FUCK THAT SHIT-BAG QUNT FOR PULLING THAT FROM ME TOO!) Well, THAT anger, THAT BITTERNESS took the pain out of thinking about G's! Anyway... I'm starting to feel that “emptiness” again. G's is gone... and so are most of the people who used to go there. “Life”... the world. - Ah... but you know? Everything in the past happens to lead us to the present... some-how or another... and today? Well... I do have to admit... here I am... in a little place in the Adirondacks... AND WITH YONAH! I MEAN... REALLY! THIS TRULY IS THE KIND OF STORY WRITTEN FOR FILM! And, as much as it becomes difficult as the time passes, to hold to the phantasy... I'd still like to believe that there IS a “something” or a “some place” after all this bull-shit-fuckerie... and, one way or another, when Yonah and I leave this all, we can be together, in a better, peaceful, that “perfect” place or state of existence... or non-existence... and too, we'll get to see all the folks from G's. (When I think about it... it's probably a bit on the strange side to some that I have NO desire to “be with” the “relatives”. None of them... really. It wouldn't be that “better, peaceful, perfect place” with them. Maybe we don't carry the “baggage” with us when we “leave”, but I just don't want to take any chances. And if I have to choose, between some sort of existence with Yonah and an eternity with the folks from G's... well... there really isn't any choice... I'd MUCH prefer Yonah's company... and who knows? Maybe we can be part of each-other's “perfect eternity”. After all, if it's “perfect... - Anyway... it was a MOST delightfully marvellous day, in spite of the weather out there. I got the DeskTop backed-up... ALL of Yonah's photos... balanced the VT account... Tomorrow? Nothing! But I have to cook meat for meals again, but that's OK... Warmth. And on Tuesday... we'll do Yonah's sand in the oven... more warmth. - 21.26 Got side-tracked... am tired. Oh well... I'll throw this onto the server though... I don't trust this lap-top... - Have to work a little message for the G's Minds account... and probably the site... I have until the 19th... the 20th... - 22.44 LATE AGAIN! AND THERE'S A WIND BANGING AT THE HOUSE! (MORE ALARMS TO BE SET THROUGH THE NIGHT AGAIN... YONAH!)
Mon.10.Jan: 6.48 Up with 6.00 alarm. By 6.22 done with morning routine of coffee AND breakfast served on back gallery AND smoke on the porch. Woke to furnace running, just ran again. -9°/chill -12°, High: -8/-15 until... 6.00 tomorrow morning at... -23/chill -32° Tomorrow's HIGH: -18/ chill -23 and then back to “normal” with minuses of teens. - Put through another Interbanque for 90 this morning. Let's see and hope. I'm up 23 over what I was originally... maybe “Fate” intervened for some reason? What-ever... - It's that “62F chill” in the house but Yonah's room is quite cozy. I'll be in there tonight to make sure it STAYS “cozy”, and tomorrow night too. - Meanwhile, another day rolls in... - DID manage to get the “MTL sweats” washed and on the rack in the shower too though. Not sure why. I didn't wear them all that much but... I hadn't showered before wearing, other than the first night and, to be blunt, my “tract” has been “off” of late and, well... sweats and shirt are clean. Fine. There's bitter weather coming.... I'll need the bottoms any-way. - 16.24 DAMNIT! THESE DAYS PASS ENTIRELY ALL TOO QUICKLY! SHIT! But I can't say that I didn't “accomplish” anything... I do suppose I did... - Let's go back to this morning right away... YONAH... WOKE WITH A CALL AT... 7.52! Of late, it's been 8.00 or later! I've NO idea what prompted him to call at that hour but, when I went in, he was definitely awake and ready to go with the day. SO? So we got on with the day! And when “morning routine” was completed, I have NO idea what prompted me to get into it but... I moved bowls and peanuts into his room and sat me down at the work table... and it wasn't even 9.00 yet! Shelling-away the morning, as it were, because, as the sun TRIED to make it's way through the clouds, I moved right along with the task until... believe it or not... about 10.45! Almost TWO hours to shell TWO bags of peanuts! And of course, after they were shelled, they had to be ground, which they were. And when I got done with them, I figured I may as well do a batch of sun-flower seeds as well. After all, there were two empty jars for Yonah's peanuts and sun-flower seeds in the fridge. Not any longer... they're filled. And I have no idea really, what prompted me to do so, but I ground the peanut shells down to almost a “dust”. I've generally no idea what to do with them, and the last time I just crushed them, but this morning, I ground them... and then tossed them out into the “fenced area” in the back. (Oh, but I'm waiting to hear the bitching about “throwing garbage out in the yard”. FUKDAQUNT. And that's all there is to that.) - By then, it was almost 11.30... so I ran out to check the post ... nothing again today. So I came back in and went for a “lie-down”! I really was quite fatigued at the moment. Set an alarm for 12.00 and laid down... “half-dozed”, with Yonah on the pillow at my head AND AGAIN... MAYBE 2 MINUTES BEFORE THE ALARM WAS SET TO SOUND... “PECK-PECK-PECK-PECK-PECK-PECK” AT THE HEAD! I DON'T KNOW HOW HE KNOWS, I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW HE COULD KNOW, BUT, HE DOES THIS MORE OFTEN THAN NOT. SO OFTEN, IN FACT, THAT IT'S NO LONGER JUST A “COINCIDENCE”! HE'S INDESCRIBABLY AMAZING! - And so... at noon, I went to the kitchen, had some cream cheese and “Deb Preserves” on the rest of the (dry) bread, with “noon-pills” and in about 45 minutes, I was back at the work table... PRINTING! - I HAD to print the spread-sheet for January 2022, because of all the fukkups with the “Interbanque” and then the changes and charges for the “Bird Rescue” class. So, since I had the printer set, and there was ink in it... that sheet got printed... and then, I thought I'd print some of the “hand-outs” from the class... Next thing I knew... ALL of the hand-outs were printed... I even made pages from the “screen-caps” on bandages AND... ALL THE NOTES TOO, ARE PRINTED! Now... I need the bleating BINDER! BUT... the printing is done. (Oh... and I have to find a hole-punch too... I thought I had one... some-where... but I can't recall where or even where to start looking! More shit I “used to have”! Anyway... I FINALLY finished at about 15.30. - OH... mean-while... 4 pieces of chicken went into the oven at 14.00! the “YUGE” pieces! SO there's about 8 meals in the oven tonight. And I threw some rice and black-eye peas and “Stir Fry” mix in and now, at 16.43... the veg is done, the chicken is in the oven and the heat's off. - And all the while all this was going on... YONAH WAS HAVING ANOTHER “LOVE-ME” DAY! HE WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE! AND WATCHING ME AND EVERY-THING I WAS DOING! AND WING-SNAPPING AND LOVE, AND MORE LOVE AND EVEN MORE LOVE! (I CAN'T even THINK about a day with-out him... But I KNOW that I won't have many, if any.. .because... I WILL NOT LIVE WITH THE PAIN OF MISSING HIM! I SIMPLY WILL NOT! And we ALMOST had a 10-minute shut-eye before I put the veg on but, when I moved my hand, he'd been “snoozing” on my waist and my fingers touched his foot and must have startled him! He took off... I got up. - And now... the sun is setting and extra food is out in the back for the birds... I even filled... FILLED the hanging feeder today! Seeds and peanuts and extra sun-flower seeds for the fats and oils. Thus far, nobody's been by to eat. But... it's REALLY RAPIDLY GETTING TO “BITTER” OUT THERE! I should have checked the oil but... I'll be in Yonah's room tonight... primarily to make certain the room doesn't get “chilled”. And this “bitter” is supposed to go all through tomorrow AND INTO WEDNESDAY NOW! So... I NEED to know how well Yonah's room will hold warmth! (I'll be calling, if I can manage it, for oil, on Monday-week... HOPEFULLY to get us through February... at the very least! After that? Well... I'll think of something. But tomorrow... those terracottas will be going! To be sure!) - 16.50... the fucking day is GONE! FUCK! - 19.54 Yonah is tucked in and the futon is set for me in a little while.... probably about an hour. 20.28 Yonah's Journal is coded and ready to up-load. It's -10 with a chill of -10 “out there”. At 6.00 tomorrow morning... -25 with a chill of -34 and at 7.00 and 8.00 tomorrow morning... -25 with a chill of -33! Over night, -teens with chills of -20s. I just have to make certain to be up before the -30s get here! - Well? It's been a day... - Oh... I have the kitchen terracotta going with 4 tea-lights... I'm trying to get the “paraffin” stench out of it! I can still smell it, even after scrubbing the pot, soaking it in dish detergent, running boiling water through it and covering the top (bottom) with foil paper! Oh well... eventually? Perhaps. But, it's a source of a little extra heat so... I just want to find another spot for it in the kitchen instead of on the table. It would be better by the North wall, but that's the basin so... This kitchen was NOT “planned”... like the rest of the place... So much for “I'm a contractor”... Mass-hole. - OK. Time to roll along! 20.35... almost “seepie-nigh-night” time for me! - 21.28 That's that. - Deborah sent a message earlier today hoping this house stays warm and to say that she's there, should I need anything. - Meanwhile... light snow... thankfully. - Now to re-set the thermostat to 62F and see what happens... - Off to Yonah's place!
Tue.11.Jan: (7.27 LOAN PAID FOR JANUARY) 7.13 OK! SO! The terracottas are going. Yonah's sand is in the oven. I'm dressed. Coffee at hand. In from a smoke. It's COLD out there! ONE LITTLE bird at breakfast. And there's LOTS of FOOD out there for them. I got out of bed at about 6.00. Yes, “bed”. I went right to Yonah's after signing-off last night, fell right to sleep. Woke at about 2.00, then again at 4.00 but had to pee, so instead of going back in, went to bed. Woke at 5.00, dozed until 6.00 and that's when I got up and got rolling. right now it's -20, chill of -28... up from -22, chill of -30 at 6.42. The sky is clear, of course. Let's hope for sun in Yonah's room today! - Last night? Yonah's room is SO SO WARM through the night! Almost uncomfortably so. And the house was set at 62F. So now I know... but I'll be in there again, tonight... to make certain. - And I'm just feeling “woozy” this morning. Not sure why. Hopefully it isn't all the candles burning the oxygen in the house! Not so much for me but for Yonah! I don't dare open the doors or such. But, I'll run the box fan for a bit when he's awake. Or, figure something else out to keep the air circulating. - Anyway... there's that “irritation” in the left ear again, today, as well... I wonder WHAT is going on in there. And a slight bloody nose this morning. Oh well... shit's falling apart. But, here I am and there's a day ahead. Winter has arrived. - 7.51 MORNING CALL! MY HEART-AND-SOUL IS AWAKE! - 16.52 Just noting: that thing next door hasn't made so much as a “soft thud” ALL DAY... and NOW, when the sun is setting... she's over there banging against the living-room wall! UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE! PSYCHOTIC OLD THING! I HAVE to wonder if she wasn't so miserable in Lake Placid because she drove the neighbours insane with her nonsense. She's reminding me of “Dennis” on Jane Street... who, at night, rolled marbles across his floor and banged the leg of furniture on the floor. “They” told me that *I* was the problem... until after I'd left and Ann told me that the “authorities” had to come and remove him. “Apparently, he'd had some kind of mental break-down.” Yeah... imagine that. But *I* was the one who had to go. Oh well... But FUCK... what shit-fuckerie this! One of these days... this too shall pass. (I just wish Yonah and I could be out of here, easier. “It's out there.” said Deb. The truck was... let's see about the house.) - 21.05 FUCKUPS with the FTP... But the day has been journalled on Yonah's Journal which is on the server. Looking into the bull-shit... There's bull-shit going on next door, rumbling of the floors! QUNT!
(On Wed.12.Jan: 6.32 “Catch-up”) Let's see how much of the day comes back to mind. MOST of anything worth mentioning, really, has to do with Yonah, and is, thankfully, already on his page. At least I got THAT much accomplished properly before “sign-off” for the day today. - Ah but... YES! The “LOAN” payment! Checked the transfer this morning and as soon as I saw that it was posted... it was TRANSFERRED to the payment! Due on the 31st, it's early... and that's the way I want it! Maybe (hahahah) one day, I'll need more than the 1500 they seem to be stuck on and MAYBE (hahahahah) they'll be happy to “help”. (That's the way they put it: “I'm glad we were able to help.” “Help”? Yes, I suppose. Hey! I'm better-off today than I have been in YEARS! At least today, I can actually ASK for the “help” with-out getting “snubbed”. Even in VT I couldn't get a foot-hold with THAT C.U.! MAYBE this time, I can get “help” with moving the jolly-fuck out of here! THAT would be delightful! Something to ponder... and a reason to get this loan paid-off BEFORE time... which is December. We shall see.) - OK... that noted... - Yonah was in another one of his more “active” moods today! And, in another of his “affectionate” moods as well! It does my heart so much good to know that he has no fear of me, and that he wants to play around with me, but it breaks my heart to think that I'm really not the “ideal companion”. Simply providing food and shelter isn't “ALL” that Life is supposed to be. And I'm concerned about his feathers... they seems to be “breaking” again, and he gets “itchy”, so it seems. BUT... HE DID TAKE A DIP IN THE POOL AGAIN TODAY! THAT WAS, AS IT ALWAYS IS, A DELIGHT TO SEE! *** HONESTLY, I HAVE TO NOTE THAT IT JUST AMAZES ME, THE “NOT-BRIGHT-ENOUGH” ONE OF THE BROOD, THAT I ACTUALLY COME TO THINK OF THE THINGS I'VE THOUGHT OF FOR HIM! THE “DOG CRATE” INSTEAD OF A “CAGE”, THE SAND TRAYS, THE MOSS, POTTED WHITE PINES... THE POOL, THE FOUNTAIN. THE ROLLING SHELVING... THE “NIGHT BOARDS”... LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT TRULY JUST A SHIT-FOR-BRAINS. AND HOW I USED TO THINK, LAST WINTER, HOW “DRY” YONAH'S LITTLE FEET AND LEGS LOOKED AND HOW “DRY” HE MUST HAVE FELT. WELL! THERE WE HAVE IT! NOW, TO FIGURE OUT WHY HE SCRATCHES, AND WHY HIS FEATHERS ARE BREAKING! THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING FROM HIS DIET... AND THE PATHETIC PART IS... I'VE NO-ONE TO TURN TO TO ASK FOR INFORMATION.... OTHER THAN THE INTERNET. OH WELL... “GUT”... IT'S GOTTEN YONAH AND I TOGETHER FOR THESE 15 MONTHS... I JUST NEED TO THINK! *** - In other “news”.... MOST of the day was in his room, with the sun pouring in. Last night proved that his room does stay warm for him, even when the house is set at 62F, so that's a MAJOR comfort to me. (Now to get oil and KEEP it that way.) I managed to “reconcile all accounts”, including the new loan (which just doesn't make any sense to me, really, because there's always a difference between MY balance and that of the CU. It's usually the “finance charge” which isn't the “interest”... I don't believe. And that “fluctuates”, usually decreasing as time goes along, even though there's a monthly charge for “insurance” that keeps getting added to the balance... and then too, there's the interest, but that's probably calculated, by them, from the start. Anyway, the spread-sheets and the books are reconciled. (Does me no good, really. Just looks nice, I suppose.) - Today's post? The “Soc.Sec. tax form”... I manage to actually exist on just under 14k a year! I haven't seen income THAT low since... well... high school! Imagine? Talk about “poverty”! (And, the truth of the matter is, as I thought, just a couple of nights ago: were it not for the “assistance” programmes, I honestly would be DEAD... VERY DEAD... at this point in time! Food... well, let's put it this way: I've NEVER... IN MY ENTIRE FREE LIFE-TIME, HAD ACTUAL FOOD IN FRIDGE AND CUP-BOARDS AND TODAY, I'M ALL BUT OUT OF ROOM FOR IT ALL! And there's more “money” available for MORE food! The oil for heating? Well... that would be a complete “NO” every Winter. COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE! JUST IMPOSSIBLE! I'd be froze to death LONG ago. I don't LIKE living this way but... hey... I've busted my shitter ALL through my life-time, taking jobs that barely paid, taking jobs I didn't want, taking jobs, learning other-wise useless bull-shit, and all of it was “taxed”... money I'D worked to earn, stolen from me... all those years, and for what? TO be “kindly doled-out” an amount that some dolt deems “appropriate”! With an “increase” that doesn't even come with-in the area of the increase in the cost of just existing! So yes, that's MY money that I WORKED to earn, that as STOLEN from me and I'm getting it BACK... before I “check-out”! FUKKEM! FTW! Just... DAMN IT/THEM ALL!) OK... that's off the chest. And I still haven't checked to see if I have any actual “taxable”... RE-TAXABLE... due! And I don't give a shit... I'm not going to bother... especially in the “state” area! THEY can come to the door and check my colon for cash. - Moving along... Yes, the day passed at Yonah's work table. And I'm still working on the iPod music, again. Things that pass time that make no matter to anybody else. - But Yonah is my “Life” and spending time with him is all that matters - This evening, I sat to meal at 17.00 and by 18.00 it was done, washing-up was done, Yonah's windows were closed to the night, the waters changed... I wonder how my body even knows it's been fed. - Came the end of the day... and, as noted, that shit-sack next door began her nightly thumping and my guts wrenched, as they do. - And the day just closed TOO DAMNED EARLY! WITH YONAH IN MY LIFE NOW, I COULD USE “ROUND-THE-CLOCK AWAKENESS”! And he was reluctant to settle-in for the night. How I DO wish there was a way that I could leave him in the room, and spend the nights there, with him. But he's so tiny, and fragile, really, even though he comes across as being so stoic and strong. And I do, always think: No him.. no me. Life isn't worth the trouble if he's not part of it. - Oh well... time to close today. Enough said... in retrospect. Time to move along... at 7.09 on the day after.
Wed.12.Jan: 6.15 After a perfect night of sleep on Yonah's futon, I woke at about 4.00, looked at the time and dozed... until about 5.00. But, needing a “hack” to clear the chest, I just got up and got on with the morning. Kettle, coffee, and I mixed the remaining sun-flower seeds with some of the “Finch” food”, made a jug and a half of another mix for the “garden tray”. Sand in the oven on 500F. Then got dressed and put breakfast out in the back. Oddly, it's -10/-18° this morning, but that feels quite “comfy” after the -25 and -32 and such. But, there's good food out for the Little Ones, when they arrive. - Last night, before getting to “futon” (at about 22.00), I did a “virus scan up-date”... the last thing I saw was that there was some kind of “error” encountered, but the little “badge” indicated that all was current and so, I started a complete scan and toddled off for the night. This morning, I woke to see that the fucking scan had stopped and that there was another “18 HOURS” left on it! WHAT-the-actual-FUCK? “18 HOURS”? Full scans have usually lasted THREE, at most! So, I re-started the damned thing, from where it was and now... an hour later, it's telling me that it needs another 3 hours, 31 minutes... AND... THAT THE FUCKING SOFT-WARE NEEDS UP-DATING! MEAN-while... this lap-top is running SLOWLY... and, thus far, 876800-plus files have been scanned! I NEED to get this lap-top cleaned-up! Dump a LOT of shit off it. There's a lot in here that I haven't looked at in yonks. BUT... I also need another “peripheral”! WHY? Imagine what this house would look like if I were to keep all of these “files” on paper! It really MUST stop! So there's something more to do... when the bitter days of February come along. And speaking of which, I have to check the oil today, and will probably call for the rest of it on Friday... IF I can hold out that long. And, last thing, last night... that “Need a reading” from NYSEG! REALLY? THAT should have come 3 days ago... and I doubt they'll take this reading, but at least if I do, I can figure how much behind I am, already, on the “Budget” and how much I'll get hammered with come July. - My left hand is itching something annoying this morning now. The thumb and index on the right had are cracked. Oh, but it's a delightful morn... already. But, here I am... up and rolling. - Town trip later... IF the truck starts and rolls properly, and, some-how, I'm expecting trouble there too. “One of THOSE days”, I'm suspecting. - And another 3hrs remain on the “scan”, after which, no doubt, another “Out-of-Date” message will pop-up. Yep... one of “those” mornings. - And, I'm wondering what-in-the-actual-fuck the Mass-hole is doing with the rent cheque. Fucking, incompetents, it and the Mrs. One of “these” days... Just a little “cabin”, with sun-light, ventilation, warmth... a responsible owner, and no lunatics attached. “It's out there”.... - I have to catch-up with yesterday now too. - Thankfully, Yonah is still resting... We had a good night, together, I believe. I DO sleep better in his room... - 7.09 and as “caught-up” as I'm going to be. The “scan” is still running... OOPS... it FINISHED! 1344311 FILES SCANNED! TOTAL TIME: 9 HOURS AND 9 MINUTES! “NO THREATS FOUND”. So I MUST get to cleaning this lap-top out! - The furnace is running again. Set at 62F. Hmmmm... I just finished the half of the smoke I'd started when I put breakfast out in the back. The LITTLE birds are already there to partake. - Oh... last night, I gleaned “Nell's” Twatters. 10k “followers”, and most of what she has on there is “re-posts”. She's got a couple of “videos” of her... figures. SHE'S MOVING AGAIN... IN N.J., THANKFULLY. *** AND... I SEE... HER “DEGREES”.... *** HONORARY **** !!! SHE'S ANOTHER ONE... “GOT THE TITLES AND DIDN'T DO THE WORK! FREEBIES! *** Glen still drives by every morning... so that's still local. I just want out of here and away from this Lib-shit! I'm disgusted with it. - And... feeling a bit “ick” this morning, but I'm thinking that that's because of the impending doom of a town trip in a while. Smokes and some little provisions. Shame, really, that it couldn't hold until tomorrow after-noon. I need to get to the skip as well. But the truck will need a run after the cold snap so... I just hope the exhaust holds! I doubt it will but... there we have it. - Now? On with the day. The sand should be done. This is the 3rd baking. There are dishes in the basin from this morning's “Bird mixing”. And other than that... just waiting for the “morning call”. Hey! At least his room is toasty... and the temperatures are... “normal” again. - 7.21 THREE LITTLE MOURNING DOVES AT BREAKFAST! “RISE UP THIS MORNING, WITH THE SUN-RISE. THREE LITTLE BIRDIES, AT MY DOOR-POST, SINGING SWEET SONGS. A MELODY PURE AND SWEET, SINGIN' “THIS IS OUR MESSAGE TO YOU-HOO-HOO... SINGIN' “DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A TING. 'CAUSE E'ERY LIKKLE TING, GON BE ALRIGHT.”
AND...the scan finishes and I check the status of the soft-ware? IT BLOODY HAD TO BE UP-DATED AGAIN! BLOODY HELL! Oh well... On with the day... Eh? - 9.15 Checked the oil... and at the current rate of consumption, we should hit a quarter tank roughly as figured: 25 January. I'm rather almost-pleasantly surprised. But... will call by Tuesday anyway (Monday, being a “holiday”). - MEAN-WHILE... I JUST HAPPENED TO BROWSE THAT “INST” ACCOUNT WHERE THE INSTIGATOR CLAIMED TO HAVE POSTED “SOME OF THE FLAGS AND BANNERS IN THE AREA”... THE QUNT HAS THIS PLACE POSTED, INDEED! SO THIS MORNING, I'M SOURED BY FEELING “TARGETED”! OH... HAD I THE TIME! HAD I THE TIME! I JUST MUST GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT-BOX! TRULY! QUICKLY! SOON!
On “better” note: I went in to find Yonah awake at 8.00! Another “quiet” morning until... HE coo'ed at me whilst I was softly chatting with him, and the “conversations” and “dialogues” continued! And as I did “morning routine”, he was up and out and in the room... on his pillows. But what truly disturbs me is that he's “hiding”, this morning, behind the air purifier, in dark places... twitching wings and calling “woo-HOOoo!” That bothers me because I'm not sure what's going on! And he appears to be a bit “fluffed”. I wonder if it's the change in temperature in his room when I open his door or... I just don't know and I just don't like it.
I'm getting me ready to head to town this morning, get that done and over with. Honestly, I'm in a “shaking” sort of mood, this morning. The bull-shit with that “instigator” on the Hill... the general fuckery next door. The rent cheque still out-standing. And the world in general. So I'll make the run this morning... IF the truck rolls properly, which I'm doubting at this point, and come back to stay with Yonah for the rest of the day, and try to shake the shakes out. I truly and sensibly shouldn't give a shit. I just have to clear it out of my head. I truly do. - And I want a snooze! The house is in order, the garbage in ONE bag to put into the bin. I'm almost exhausted again... but that's from this morning's “discovery” and the relief to see that the oil isn't down to a quarter tank. And my stomach... my GUTS... knotting, as I type. - 11.31 MADE IT... FamDoll (where I bumped into Dan and “mentioned” the “doxxing” on Instagm to Casey...) and through the market where I got pretty much nothing but went. THE TRUCK MADE IT! POOR THING! It's -8 out there today, under clouds, but it's just “warm” enough to be DAMP! Horrid! - Anyway... Grabbed an Instgm a/c this morning, “Dixiebrenner4” for Dixie, just to see what that instigating shit posted and sure enough... TWO photos, with comments, of the front of the house... with reference to the PO... AND SEVERAL of John's flags, with comments. Insulting! I've a mind to report the thing... but will take it to the “court of public opinion”. Meanwhile... good to know who THE instigator is around here. Obviously, she's a discontent malcontent, bent on making life miserable for all others. But this bull-shitterie of “them” being able to get away with this shit... Well, I take SOME solace in knowing what I've learnt today.. - And now... re-scanning and getting on with the day. Told Dan I'd toddle down there this after-noon. But for now... YONAH TIME! I have photos to code to the pages! Beebiness! - (Recap on Thu.13.Jan: 10.24) SO... this afternoon, in the cold, I took a toddle down to drop in on Dan. I wanted to give him money, since I asked if he'd see the pillow cases at Walmarde, would he pick them up for me. So we sat and chatted, and he took me round the house to show me how he's working on stripping paint from the wood trim on the house, and I got to mention the “Nell fiasco”. Apparently, he knew “of” her presence but wasn't sure where... he knows now. It was a fun chat. But it all lasted MUCH longer than I'd anticipated and planned... I didn't roll back into the house until... 17.00! NOT GOOD! AND POOR YONAH! ALONE ALL THAT TIME! And he DID seem happy to see me when I walked into his room! Sadly, I had to... I mean “HAD” to put something on for an evening meal because, of late, these years, as it were, I really can't skip a meal... Oddly enough, by 17.00, if I don't eat, I actually feel it... light-headed, slightly nauseated, and noticeably weak. I've NO idea WHAT that's all about... I've got more than enough fat in the belly! But... I made “good” with Yonah and threw a tin of cream of mushroom soup into the pot, shredded a hunk of chicken into it and crumbled some bread in as well. Filling... some-what nourishing... I'll have to compensate for it tomorrow. - After “meal”... which took about 20 minutes from start to finish, I noticed: YONAH HADN'T EATEN ALL DAY! I DON'T KNOW WHY! BUT IT BOTHERED ME... OF COURSE IT DID! BUT, HE KEEPS GOING TO THE FLOOR, BY THE LAMP, WHERE HE TOSSES SEEDS DOWN AS HE DOES EAT AND HE EATS THOSE! I DON'T WANT HIM DOING THAT BECAUSE, EVEN THOUGH I DO MY BEST TO KEEP THE CARPET CLEAN (AS CLEAN AS POSSIBLE), I JUST DON'T “KNOW WHAT'S IN IT”! SO... I THINK HE DOESN'T LIKE THE “MOULTING MIX” I PUT IN TO THE LAST BIT OF FOOD IN HIS DISH, SO THAT WENT TO THE FLOCKS OUT-SIDE AND I PUT IN HIS REGULAR MIX (WHICH HAS LESS “MIX” IN IT) AND THEN, PUT UP A BIT OF A SHELF THAT'S JUST SLIGHTLY WIDER THAN THE ONE HE'S HAD. COVERED IT WITH EXTRA “PLASTIC SHELF LINER” AND BROUGHT IT ROUND AND UP BEHIND/TO THE SIDE A TOUCH SO TO KEEP SEEDS FROM BEING TOSSED TO THE FLOOR. WE'LL SEE HOW IT WORKS... IF IT WORKS. BUT YONAH DID GO FOR FOOD WHEN I'D DONE! “FRESH” FOOD AND MUCH LESS “MOULTING MIX”. THERE'S THE RECIPE! IT WAS COMFORTING TO SEE HIM EATING! AND, I DON'T LIKE THAT HE'S SCRATCHING SO OFTEN OF LATE! I HAVE TO LOOK FOR SOMETHING, SOME KIND OF “POWDER”, I HOPE, THAT I CAN PUT IN HIS HOUSE, AGAINST “MITES”!!! I DON'T WANT HIM SUFFERING... AT ALL... AND NOT FROM MITES! LITTLE DISEASE-CARRYING BLOOD-SUCKERS! (Reminds me of Nell.) - And so... all the the shelving and such took until 19.00! The WHOLE DAY WAS GONE! I had just enough time to jot notes for the day's entry... dim the lights in Yonah's room, jot HIS Journal page! - But Yonah's been SO affectionate all day, again, today. I feel like such a shit, having left him alone for so long... first to run into town, then all that time at Dan's... Tomorrow is our 15-Month Anniversary... I was pondering a run to the skip but... Nope... I've got stuff to do tomorrow, at his work table... and it's supposed to be another “grey” day, so... we'll hunker together, keep warm, keep company... keep together. It's better... all round that way. (OK. Caught-up.) - 20.26 Yonah's Journal page is current and I'm so tired right now... I'm going to have my dessert and be in bed soon. Sleeping in my bed tonight. The house is comfy. The night isn't supposed to be “bitter”... but I'll be on the guard to make sure all is well for Yonah. I'll miss not being with him. I DO enjoy knowing that I'm right there for him. But I feel bad about disturbing him when I go in and when I “hack” at night. So tonight, he can sleep peacefully. And tomorrow? Well... I've got his photos to add to his Journal a photo pages, so we'll have the day together. - I ought to run to the skip too... but we'll see how the morning rolls. - And I must say that, since I have screen-caps of Nell's “illegal doxxing”, I'm feeling quite a bit more at ease. (Seriously considering printing them and sending them to John. O. Just putting them in an envelope and posting them... especially since his father is mentioned in them. Should prove interesting. But.. I'm still looking to get out of here. This is no place for civil people to reside. And having a gutless shit for the “land-lord”... the “fucking land-lord”... well... no... I don't want to remain. And on that matter... the rent cheque still hasn't been presented. Let him try some shit... I need to find out which court it will go to and such... But, maybe after John sees the “doxxing” he'll bring it to Peter's attention... and Peter is, after all the “Justice of the Peace”... might prove “interesting”.) - Anyway... I want to wrap this day soon so... I'll catch-up with the “notes” tomorrow too. - 22.00 Off we go. Now let's see what kind of night is ahead...
Thu.13.Jan: 15 MONTHS! IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY !!!!! 7.04 Well? Last night? One contraction left leg and foot, up to the loo and back to bed. Just enough to “re-start” the sleep cycle. And at the 6.00 alarm, I turned it off, dozed, had a little “dreamlette” in which I didn't get up until the 6.30 alarm... which is what I did... but because I suddenly, had the thought: “FOOD FOR THE FLOCKS!”. And the 6.30 alarm sounded and I was up and rolling. And now, the flocks are served, Yonah's sand is in a container, I'm dressed and in from a half-smoke. And it's a half because there's a “heaviness” in the chest this morning, a bit of a “choking heaviness”. But other-wise... the house is still, coffee at hand and, sadly, thoughts of that “thing on the Hill” and the realisation that it's fave-term is “hostile”. New Russia is “hostile”; there was “hostility” in the NEK. And the repulsive aspect of it all is that there are those who arse-feed from this nonsense... the Mass-hole, the “Justice”... ah, indeed... Oh well... we move along... for now. - 15 MONTHS !!!!! I wish there was some way that I could do something to make it “special” for Yonah. But, we'll be together today, and we'll see how much time HE wants to spend “together”, and what we can do to provide some sort of atmosphere and environment in which he'll be happy. He has good foods, and plenty of them, warmth, protection from the elements out-side, and I DO spend as much time as is at all humanly possible with him so that he's not truly “alone” I don't know of anything else... save, a “companion dove”. Well, we'll have to look into it all. There's just so much that “people” DON'T actually “know”, “super species” that we're self-claimed” to be. But I try... I do my absolute best. We'll see... we just will. 15 MONTHS !!!!! He's such an absolute JOY!
Did that “Off-line Scan” this morning, on the lap-top. No problems. So today, we'll get about trying to clean this thing up. There's a LOT of stuff on here... stuff that I haven't looked at since putting it on. Time to get rid of it. “Clean house”. Hey! Time in Yonah's room... so I'll be there, should he want the company. - And we just continue from that-this point. What the day will be will be seen... at it's close. - 10.45 I got so carried away with general shitteries this morning that I didn't get to Yonah until 8.25! SHIT! But he was awake when I went in AND HE WAS OK... SO I'M OK THE DAY'S OK WE'RE OK AND though it's not “OK” that I left him alone until so late, perhaps he doesn't mind. He MIGHT actually enjoy the extra time. But it's so dark in his room in the morning, especially at that hour when the flocks out-side are up and about already... Still, when I spoke to him, he didn't have anything to say until I said “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” and he replied “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo-hoo”! THAT is when this day “officially” opened! And we were off and onto the morning routine! - Meanwhile, the sand that had been sterilised is not in a container... at the ready. I still have to find some kind of natural “mite control”... I'd like something to put into the mosses... and I'm still considering removing the moss but, the sand will have to go too in order to be effective. Then too, the moss, if “soaked”, won't be dry enough to put back in, for a while, and Yonah enjoys it so much. It would be better to simply have some sort of powder to sprinkle. There MUST be something out there. (“It's out there.”) I want what-ever it is that's irritating him... GONE! - Took a snooze... 30 minutes! I'm really rather tired this morning, can't figure why. - And a touch “painful” in the left shoulder, up the neck. Hmmm... No sense having it looked-at/into... “Stress”. “Anxiety”. “Vertigo”. Bull-shit. - So it's grey, damp, chilly... and there's another -26° night coming... Friday... and -27 on Saturday. Monday's a holiday, so call-in for oil on Tuesday. Let's hope the oil holds. If not... Yonah and I share a room! (I'm sure he won't mind.... really.) - 14.30 Yonah's photos are up and running...! I'm exhausted and not sure why. But, it's strange how, the day after not eating veggies for meal, I don't feel “right”. AND... IF I DON'T M the old B's... I DID, about and hour ago and now I'm feeling much better, over all, and tired now because I'm feeling better. This old body's REALLY gone fuktarderie! But at least I'm feeling better and Yonah's been a pure DELIGHT ALL DAY, and we've had NO “disturbances, the room has been about 22° (the house, considerably lower). RENT CHEQUE PRESENTED TODAY !!! Mass-hole gets its money and can fuck to the fuck-off!
And in OTHER NEWS... 14.53 DAN BROUGHT THE PILLOW CASES !!! AS I WAS TYPING, KNOCK ON THE DOOR !!! THE PILLOW CASES! And he gave me an idea for the “pattern” to make the “dove”... Use a photo of Yonah as a guide! Imagine my stupidity! WHY did I not think of that!?
*** BUT... DAN CAME IN TO SEE YONAH... AND WHEN WE WALKED INTO THE ROOM, YONAH WAS IN HIS LITTLE MOSS-NEST, ALL COZY... DAN WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND YONAH TOOK OFF! FLYING ABOUT THE CEILING! THEN HE LANDED ON HIS HIGH WALL SHELF AND AS DAN AND I SPOKE, HE TOOK OFF AGAIN, FLEW ROUND THE ROOM AND RETURNED TO THE SHELF! HE DIDN'T MIND WHEN *I* REACHED UP TO HIM BUT... HE'S STILL RETAINED A MIS-TRUST OF PEOPLE !!! I CAN'T FIGURE HOW IT IS THAT HE TRUSTS ME, BUT NOT ANOTHER PERSON... EVEN WHEN THE THE OTHER ONE IS WITH ME! I'VE JUST GOTTEN ANOTHER LESSON !!! AND NOW I KNOW: SHOULD *ANY-BODY ELSE* EVER NEED TO COME IN TO TAKE CARE OF YONAH... IT WON'T BE PLEASANT... AND MIGHT EVEN LEAD TO HIS DEATH! WE *ARE A UNIT*... WE'RE NOT JUST A “BONDED” LITTLE COUPLE... WE ACTUALLY RELY AND DEPEND ON ONE-ANOTHER! SO I'M TRULY IN THIS FOR HIM... AND I COULDN'T BE MORE HONOURED, MORE BLESSED... OR MORE DETERMINED TO MAKE CERTAIN THAT YONAH ***NEVER*** NEEDS THE CARE OF ANY-ONE ELSE !!! ***
SO the pillow cases are in the basin, on the soak... We have a new “project” ahead! WOOHOO(hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo)!
AND ON OUR ANNIVERSARY DAY! - 16.38 Well... I have all of this on Yonah's Journal page... and all the photos are current. And Yonah's having his “dinner”... and mine is on the hob. The skies are clearing... as the sun disappears behind the Western mountains. - I'm still feeling “dragged”. Not “ill”, just quite “fatigued” and a bit “off”. (Oh gee... could I have a touch of that “horrific murder virus”? LOL.) But, the house is in order. The new pillow cases are THOROUGHLY washed and rinsed... NO traces of soap or detergent in them, they're hanging in the shower... I also “washed” the t-shirt that I tried to repair but is beyond that, and the old pillow case that I'd brought fro VT (because it was so terribly thin that it had started to tear, so I replaced it with new... and brought this one... it's so soft... and I'd used it for a “nest” for Yonah ... 15 months ago). And too, the little piece of green flannel... But I'd washed them in salt water... to make sure they're clean, to remove ALL the soap/detergent, and, I thought, perhaps, I could soften the t-shirt in “soft water”... since “water softeners” are really nothing but tanks of rock salt... so these items got washed in “kosher salt” and rinsed... about 12 times, until there wasn't a trace of soap or anything else in the water. The “cloths” I'll use to give Yonah some “nesting” when I “clean” the mosses. The new cases? Well... we'll see what gets used for what when I make the little “sutffie” for Yonah. - Meanwhile... this day is rolling away! I can't believe it! Again... SO TOO DAMNED QUICKLY! But at least it wasn't bitter cold and it isn't really “damp” out there. And Yonah's room managed to hover at about 22°. So that's the good news... - THE NOT-SO-GOOD NEWS? THAT THING NEXT DOOR IS AT IT AGAIN... BANGING ON THE WALLS! I SWEAR... SHE'S MENTALLY ILL! SOCIOLOGICALLY AND SERIOUSLY... MENTALLY ILL. SHE TRULY DOES REMIND ME OF “DENNIS”... ON JANE STREET! SHE'S NOT “WELL” AT ALL! Thankfully, she doesn't come through the wall (yet), and it isn't all day... and into the night. AND... she doesn't come to the door... Nor does she phone... but I believe I “blocked” her number so... There we have it... I'd refer to it as a “piece of shit”... but even “shit” has a purpose, can be used productively. THAT? Useless! Inconsiderate. Self-serving. Entitled... Typical Vermonter. - 20.41 OK! Yonah's site is current to the moment! Seepie-nigh-night... poor Little Guy, was quick tonight. He had quite the day! - Tomorrow night and Saturday night I'll probably be in with him... -25 and -26! Oh well... we'll get through it all. I might put in the call for oil tomorrow(?) We're mid-January already. - I'm still trying to figure out how to make this “dove doll”. BUT the pillow cases are dry already so... it's just a matter of me (and my splitting fingers). - Still feeling “heavy in the chest” tonight. But hopefully a night's sleep will help. - The thermostat's been set at 65F and still hasn't come on in quite the while. I'm just hoping the fucking furnace is working! (This shit box is on my last nerves and now Mass-hole has the money. If he were smart... OH HOW I DO MAKE ME LAUGH AND VOMIT... he'd grab the cheque as soon as it arrived. But fukkim.) - OK... I'm posting this to the server and Journals are complete... for now! - I'm TIRED too... but took pills at almost 20.30 so... a little more time and I'm in bed! - 22.26 I've eaten too much... finished the little bit of Fage with ice cream then almost the rest of the corn crisps... not good. - MUST call for oil tomorrow... next week... ALL MINUS TEENS... FOR THE DAYS! IF oil's the same price, there's 118 gallons left on the account... and that's going to have to stretch through February at the very least or... well... I just don't know. Anyway... the furnace set at 65F only kicked once thus far but it's going down to 62 for the night. Tomorrow and Saturday nights? Well... we shall see... more tea-lights to be ordered... I fear. - Off to bed. Can't “worry” over it. - Looking forward to bunking with Yonah again though. - AND BLOODY HELL! I'VE ONLY JUST UP-DATED THE VIRUS SHIT ON THIS FUCK-TOP, THIS MORNING, RAN THE “OFF-LINE” SCAN AND NOW... JUST AS I'M TYPING... ANOTHER FUCKING UP-DATE! JEEZUS KRISTE! - I'm off to bed.
Fri.14.Jan: 7.31 I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning! And I slept through the night! I'd set a 5.30 alarm... don't recall having even heard it. And this grey morning, not too cold, but chilly-damp, is another “chesty” morn... with “lead lungs”. AND... I need a shower and to make a wash. When I can “smell me”, it's “time”. Oddly, I just don't seem to have a care to give. Oh well, then. - And I seem to vaguely recall some sort of “dreamlette”, or, a “dream fragment” where-in, I was “confronting” the old man, running through a list of towns I'd resided in in VT. He'd “threatened” me some-how, I don't recall that bit, but there was some sort of “reference” to me “coming from The City” and he was under the impression that I couldn't survive in a “harsher” environment. And as I mentioned the Northern towns, he appeared to be almost “impressed”, but had a snarky smirk on his face. Hmmm.... I wonder. But that's all I can recall. - Other-wise, today there's the “anxiety” of calling for oil. I truly don't understand why I have that. Avery has the money, and they can't use it for anything other than oil for here. I doubt it collects any sort of “interest” for them. And, what doesn't get used in a particular time-frame is simply taken away from them so... if I don't use it, we both lose it. Part of the anxiety though, is hoping that it'll last through the coldest weather, which is about to hit, and can 100 gallons possibly hold through a month and a half? I can't depend on an “emergency” and I don't even like the notion of calling for that. I don't know why I don't like it... surely there are others who call for it. Oh... it's “pride”... I suppose. - But... the mourning doves were here for breakfast on the back gallery this morning. That was a relief to the heart. There's a LOT of food on that tray and they're going to need the nourishment... the lows for tonight and tomorrow night changed, last night, from -25 and -26 to -26 and -27. Not HORRIBLE, but still, ever-so cold for the Little Ones. And through next week, the highs for the days are all in the minus-teens. Between the Little Ones and Yonah... Warmth shouldn't be a commodity, at least not one “controlled” by some doddering old thing who obviously hasn't a clue... and probably wears Velcro shoes. - Oh, for the days when “politics” were “foreign” to me... but I don't think I've EVER had “those days”... probably part of why I feel like Hell today. If only I could actually learn to simply “live where I am, in this house” and let the rest of the world screw itself. There's nobody “here” who makes any difference, really. And I have other things to occupy my life and time... HEY! YONAH! I NEED TO MAKE CERTAIN THAT NO HARM OR SUFFERING OF ANY SORT COMES TO HIM! - Which reminds... I need to get him a couple of “eggs”, make the little “dovelette”, clean his mosses... I need to get my arse and act together. - It's 7.48... I need to get ME together! It's another day... and I don't have the opportunity to be “not well”. So... off we go. (I'd REALLY like to go back to bed!... and the furnace is running... set at 62F. Oh well...) - 19.57 It was quite the day! - I took Yonah's mosses out today, put them into the kitchen basin with nothing but HOT water... and soaked them... twice and then rinsed, thoroughly, in cool water. Just in case there's something in there making Yonah itch. So they're clean! And I let them drain for a few hours and put them back into Yonah's house. They smell... “woodsy” now. But at least I know they're clean. And the sand under them has been REALLY RINSED to get out the bits of moss and pine needles and boiled once. Tomorrow, I'll boil again and pop into the oven... for sterilisation AND a bit of warmth in the house! - Yonah had some sort of “episode” which is detailed in his Journal (which is already coded and awaiting up-load to the server as I type. THANKFULLY, I REMEMBERED THE ADVICE FROM THE CERT COURSE WHICH SAID NOT TO INTERFERE FOR 10 MINUTES... JUST OBSERVE! IT SEEMED SOMETHING WAS IN YONAH'S MOUTH OR THROAT AND HE KEPT “CLICKING” HIS BEAK. IF HE HAD LIPS, HE'D'VE BEEN “SCHMATZING”! AND HE KEPT TWISTING HIS HEAD AND NECK! I WAS IN QUITE THE “HYPER” MODE FOR THE WHILE! AND AS I RECORDED ON HIS JOURNAL PAGE, I WENT TO SEARCH FOR “DOVE BEAK CLICKING HEAD TURNING” AND SUCH AND GOT NOTHING BUT BULL-SHIT... UNADULTERATED BULL-SHIT RETURNS... ON 3 R 4 DIFFERENT SEARCH ENGINES! WHAT A FUCK-UP! BUT... THANKFULLY, IN ABOUT 10-15 MINUTES... ALL SEEMED WELL AGAIN. WHILST THE “ODDITIES” WERE HAPPENING THOUGH, YONAH KEPT FLYING ABOUT THE ROOM. NOT IN DISTRESS, BUT AS IF ALL WERE FINE. STILL, I RECALL, ALL TOO VIVIDLY, THE ACCOUNT, UNDER “PAIN” OF THE RESCUED BIRD WITH MAJOR INJURIES AND A COMPLETELY SMASHED WING! THE POOR THING HAD TO BE SUFFERING BUT BIRDS DON'T SHOW SUFFERING! AFTER ALL... THEY'RE TORN APART, ALIVE, AS PREY... AND THERE'S NEVER A SOUND! (IT REPULSES ME TO THING THAT SOME FUCKING “ALL-LOVING 'GOD' AND THIS BULL-SHIT 'PERFECT' WORLD COULD CREATE SUCH HORROR... YEAH... “GOD”... FUCK!) ANYWAY, THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT HE'S FINE TONIGHT. AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME. - In other news... I rang for oil this morning at about 11.00... Confirmed: 118 gallons and I'm wiped-out with HEAP. (Although... I have to check when the “Emergency Season” ends... and see about that... if I need. It's going to be bitter cold for some time to come and I don't know if the 118 will fill the tank.) But it'll be here on Tuesday anyway. - It's supposed to be bitter tonight and tomorrow night and then nothing but minus-teens to come with another BITTER BOUT in about a week's time. I have the terracottas at the ready for first thing in the morning. The house is set at 68F for a while, but I'll put it down for the night... and I'll be with Yonah... door closed... JUST TO MAKE SURE HIS ROOM STAYS WARM ENOUGH. I could feel the “cold” already this evening, and that bloody floor vent for the furnace brings cold air into the room! I don't know how, unless it's because the duct-work gets that cold in the cellar but, what-ever the cause... I want to make sure Yonah's room does NOT get chilled! - Other than that... nothing... The post brought the monthly statement from the NY ac. That's all. And I managed a “collage” of posts from the Instigator to print and post at some point in time. - Message from Deborah: she'd slipped on ice yesterday but better today and reiterating that, if this house gets cold, they're there. She's so sweet. - Gina is back up on the Twatters! I might give her a call on Sunday... IF the bloody phones work! - Meal was quick again... on the bob at 16.00. Chicken, veggies, taters... On the table at 17.00 and by 17.40 washing-up was done. - I've started a “blurb” for G's... next Thursday. Funny, but I'd write better were I drinking. But I'm working on it all the same. Not that anybody sees it, but I'd like to have something out there for the “anniversary”. - Was going to shower tonight but... it's 20.14 now. Just took pills. Will have a nosh and get to “futon”... hopefully not later than 21.30. - Feeling only a touch better tonight than I did this morning. I wonder what it is. But I did notice, as I bent to lean on the kitchen table just now, that there's a “strange, off” sort of “odour” in my nostrils... as if in my sinuses... Hmmm... - What-ever... - I want to get this onto the server tonight... just to keep up with keeping-up. - Dreading the night but... this ain't the worst of it. At least I know enough to know enough about it. - Ah... moving along. - 21.41 Later than I'd wanted but... we're off to futon and the HOPE of sleeping, peacefully and soundly through this night! NOT looking forward to the cold. The thermostat is back down to 62F. Let's see how it works out.
Sat.15.Jan: 6.32 NO! I DIDN'T make it through the night! TWO “contractions”, the first at about mid-night, the second at about 1.30! But what got me back into my bed was that I was wiggling the left foot and I heard Yonah move in his house! (Yes, it appears that doves really do only “half-sleep”.) So, rather than keep him awake through the night with my fuckerie of this nonsense, I got up, walked the contraction off and decided to go back to bed. I had an alarm set for 5.30 anyway, so, by the time I got into bed, it was only about 3,5 hours later. And yes, I was PISSED-OFF as ALL HELL! but, managed to get to sleep almost immediately. - What woke me at “5.05” on the bed-room alarm... which is more like 4.55, was a “dreamlette”...
It was very early morning, still dark, and VERY COLD! I had to get to some-where (and appointment for a job interview or something) and wasn't sure about the car starting. So, off to the street, into the old, black, sort of 1920's sedan of sort. It started, and because it was so cold and yet the car started, I decided to drive from the “front” seat, instead of from the back, where I'd been driving from since the cold-snap had set-in. So I moved to the front of the car and rolled along. I got to the “office” building where I was supposed to hold the interview when “Betsy” (FamDoll) came along, looked at me and we both realised that the job was working for the company which was “Tops” but “FamDoll” combined some-how. When she walked into the reception and saw me and I saw her, we both said, “No! .... No! ... No!” We BOTH knew that I didn't want the job and she was fine with it. It wasn't that she didn't want me hired, she knew I didn't want the job. “Casey” came into the room next and said the very same thing and we sort of laughed and went out-side... they had something to do out there and I had some place else to go to. - At the curb, I was getting back into the car and we were laughing about this mix-up and wondering WHO had gotten WHAT application that my name would have come up. Obviously somebody who didn't know me, we thought. As I was just getting into the car, I noticed that “Betsy” was having trouble keeping her new dentures in. They were slipping and ill-fitting. She said “You know where we're going from here?” (meaning, what would be done about the application and interview” and I said, jokingly “To the dentist?” and we laughed. - Some-how (as it does in dreams) we were in the store and there was a call for beef for some reason or another. I was there, “hired but not hired” to help. “Betsy” opened the cooler, thinking that there was no beef because of delivery problems, but found, hanging on a rod of sorts, a large, canvas, zip-bag and inside was a quarter-side of beef. “We HAVE some!” she said. “And nicely packed.” said I, impressed with the sacking. - But THEN, there was the sound of mourning dove wings, in flight and “Casey” stared in shock and disbelief! I didn't see the bird at first but then it came out of the COOLER! It was a pigeon... and then, it changed to a mourning dove when I realised the sound of it's wings were “pigeon”. I immediately wanted to take it under my jacket to warm up because there was no telling how long the poor thing had been in that cooler, but part of me “knew” that I shouldn't because of the contact with people. Still, I knew that there was no way to put it on a towel with a hot-water bottle or some “hand warmers”. It needed to be warmed immediately. And as I was thinking this in the dream, I thought too, that they tolerate MUCH colder situations out-doors and that this little bird will warm up of and on its own. I didn't need to intervene... AND JUST THEN, I THOUGHT, AS I WAS COMING OUT OF SLEEP... THE FLOCKS OUT BACK! I HAVE TO PUT FOOD OUT FOR THEM THIS MORNING AND I HAVE TO CHECK YONAH'S ROOM TO MAKE SURE HE'S WARM ENOUGH! And I woke up, glanced at the clock, saw that it wasn't quite 5.00 yet and... got out of bed and into the morning routine!
Now there's a “strange dream”, to be sure but it woke me and I was “rested enough”.... - Went to the kitchen to put the kettle on for coffee, whilst that boiled, lit the terracottas. Checked Yonah's room (and took my pillow from the futon). It was MUCH warmer than the rest of the house so he's OK. Got the food together for the flocks, got dressed and put that out on both trays and had a quick smoke whilst. Came back in, made coffee, put 6 eggs on to boil. I have a dozen and I don't want them to go bad... so Yonah will have egg today and so shall I, apparently. Never did change the thermostat though. - And then checked today's forecast: Minus teens for the high. And tonight, a chill of -35 so... I JUST FUCKING WISH I KNEW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THESE CONTRACTIONS! I want to be in Yonah's room again, tonight... primarily to make sure his room stays warm enough! - Well... 7.11 now and I've done soc.med. and the eggs are off the heat. Flocks have food... the good stuff this morning... fat and protein. Where the day goes from here is... where the day goes from here. - It's chilly in the house though. I've put the thermostat up to 65F for a bit. - I'm pretty impressed... I didn't want to call for oil until the 15th and here it is! And delivery will be on the 18th. Now... to hold the oil through March! HAH! - 7.17 THERE'S 5 OR 6 MOURNING DOVES ON THE BACK GALLERY! POOR THINGS, THEY'RE FLUFFED TO THEIR MAX! AND IT APPEARS , FROM THE TAILS, THAT SOME ARE “MOULTING”! THE TAILS ARE SHORTER! HOW I WISH I COULD BRING THEM IN FOR WARMTH! (The “dove” in the cooler in this morning's dream.) BUT THERE'S GOOD, HEALTHY, NUTRITIOUS, “FAT AND PROTEIN” FOOD FOR THEM THIS MORNING AND I'M GLAD TO SEE THEM! (Now, I wonder when Yonah will wake up... if he isn't awake already.)
20.07 OUR DAY IS DONE! And Yonah's journal is current, more photos and videos posted... and because the day is really ALL about him, I'm just going to grab from his page to fill here...
7.47... from behind Yonah's door, came: “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! And a mere moment later, another “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! He was UP AND READY TO ATTACK THIS MORNING! AND, when I walked into his room and called to him “Did I hear a 'woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo'?” he replied with another “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”, only this one was just a bit louder than the previous! SO! I suppose I was being told “Hey! Do you know what time it is? I've got things to get to!” So WE got right to the “morning routine”... I opened his door immediately, stuck my head in for “Good morning kisses” and got about 3 pecks on the nose...
this morning, I'd boiled some eggs for both of us AND TODAY, HE ACTUALLY ATE QUITE A BIT OF HIS! The eggs cooked to perfection, and I crumbled the yolk of one into one of his original little dishes (the plastic cap from a spice jar) and put it beside his usual dish of seeds mix. He ate almost half! ...
But, all told, the highlight of the day... A SWIM! The time was 13.05, I was sitting at the work table, as usual, the sun illuminating the room, and it had brought the temperature up to a cozy 23°. We were listening only to Yonah's “bird-songs collection” all day, and it was peaceful and delightful. And, as it happens, from behind me, in addition to the “splashing” of Yonah's fountain in his pool, I head the distinct sound of... WINGS IN WATER! The temperature OUT-side was -15° with that “chill factor”, as they call it, of -23°! (How serendipitous that the temperature out-side was MINUS 23° whilst, IN-side, it was PLUS 23°.) Anyway, I turned and, sure enough, there he was, IN THE POOL, splashing about, wings raised... first one, then the other, head dipping into the water, and fluffing and shaking it all about! He's REALLY enjoying that little “pond” of his! And I do suppose that the sound of the running water is attractive... sounding quite like a little brook...
“We” even had a little snooze this morning (since I was quite ready for one at about 10.00... having started the day at 5.00). And yes... for the most part of the 25 minutes... we “snoozed” together.
Now, to that I'd like to add the following... as I sit at the kitchen table watching the moments click by... THERE'S A BLOODY-FUCKING COLD “BREEZE” THAT COMES IN THROUGH THE HEAT REGISTRES IN THIS SHIT-BOX! IT'S ACTUALLY NOTICEABLE! I WAS SITTING AT YONAH'S WORK TABLE AND I COULD FEEL IT RUNNING UP MY LEGS! SO I GOT UNDER THE TABLE AND FELT IT COMING IN! IT'S COMING IN IN THE LIVING-ROOM AS WELL! AND I'LL BET THAT'S THE BLOODY-FUCKING COLD THAT FREEZES THE TOP OF MY HEAD AT NIGHT IN WINTER! THIS JUST SHITS! I NEED TO FIGURE SOME KIND OF “FLAP” TO STOP IT... AND TOMORROW, I'M GOING TO THE CELLAR AGAIN TO CHECK THE DUCT-WORK! I'M CLOSING THAT DAMNED “VENT” OFF IN THE BACK OF THE HOUSE! IT DOES NO GOOD FOR ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR. I MEAN, IF I COULD CONNECT IT TO SOME PLACE THERE THE BIRDS COULD BENEFIT, I'D DO THAT, BUT IT'S *IN* THE CELLAR AND AT THE LOO! IN FACT, THE FURNACE IS SET AT “68F” FOR A WHILE, TO TAKE THE DAMNED CHILL OUT OF HERE AND WHEN I'D STARTED TYPING THIS PARAGRAPH, IT HAD STOPPED RUNNING... AND IT'S RUNNING A-FUCKING-GAIN NOW! AS I TYPED, I FELT THE COLD. THE FURNACE STOPS AND THE COLD COMES RUSHING IN! AND THE FRONT DOOR IS GIVING ME SHIT, WITH IT NO CLOSING PROPERLY! I SAY, I'M FUCKING RIPPING FED-THE-FUCK-UP WITH THIS SHIT! EVEN NOW, AS THE DAMNED FURNACE “CYCLES”, I FEEL THE COLD ON MY LEGS UNDER THE KITCHEN TABLE! AND TODAY, I PUT BUBBLE-WRAP ON THE KITCHEN WINDOW. IT HELPS QUITE A BIT, TO KEEP THAT COLD OUT... NOT PERFECT BUT MUCH BETTER. WHAT THE FUCK? IT REMINDS ME OF ROOSA GAP WHERE I HAD TO PUT CARDBOARD OVER THE BED-ROOM WINDOWS TO KEEP FROM FREEZING THERE! (AT LEAST THERE THOUGH, I DIDN'T HAVE SHIT “ATTACHED” TO THE WALLS.) - So that's off my chest. - And tonight I have NO choice but to shower so... I'm closing this here to post to the server. If I have time, I'll add... if not... Yonah's tucked-in and his room DID stay quite warm last night so it had better do the same tonight! - And tomorrow? Not as bitter cold and supposed to be a full day of SUN! - Oh... I got the “eulogy” for G's written. I'll work on some sort of “graphic” to go with and a little something different for the site... I'm thinking a “landing page” that will refresh, go to the “blurb” and then to the site-proper. Not that anybody will notice. But there's the “Minds” account to post it to and mine, to re-post to and what-ever... What-ever... I'll feel better for it though. Today, I did a “GgleRun” on the satellite and went to Hill, Coach, Wooden Bridge... up and down B'way (which was “Dec.2021” and WOW is that place ever NEVER worth going back to... Newburgh is even WORSE than shit these days... empty, dead, worthless). But for a while, it was extremely difficult to “come back to today”. I could have slipped right back to “then” and stayed there. Maybe that's how “I'll go”... I don't know. BUT I'M NOT “GOING” ANY-WHERE... YONAH IS HERE... AND HERE IS WHERE I'M STAYING. - Off to post to servers. - 22.01 showered! NOW, let's see what kind of night is ahead... WITH YONAH!
Sun.16.Jan: AAA HAD TO COME CHARGE THE BATTERY !!! 5.15 Up of my own at 4.40. All of the morning routine is complete. And I'm just in from serving breakfast for the Little Ones of the yard. There's a FULLEST moon over Greene Mtn. there, in the Western sky... where the sun would be setting, were this late June. I'd just put breakfast out for the Little Ones of the yard when I noticed how “light” it was and, from the back walk, the sight was truly WONDERFUL! in the back where there's no bloody-fucking street light. And the moon is illuminating the WORLD! It was the kind of sky that “professional” photographers get shots of and people say “WOW”! One of those moments that put “Creation” into some sort of perspective. Quite stunning. Quite beautiful. And I see, this morning's temperature is -24° with a “chill” of -27°, but honestly, it doesn't feel any colder than a “crisp” night in Ulster... or... at “The Lodge”. But I'm on “bed warmth”. Odd, in a sort of way, I suppose, that weather like this puts me, mentally, back to G's. Strange, I suppose, that I remember Denis in the colder weather. Cool Summer nights, crisp Autumn nights... never really warm weather. I wonder why. It was that sort of weather that made the impression. Could be “interesting”, I suppose, if I were to give it any time. - Meanwhile... My hair, what there is of it, is the expected “ugly as Hell”. I'm truly starting to repulse myself when I pass a mirror. The “whisps”, the “missing”, and what is beginning to REALLY look like an old man's “comb-over”, all askew, every which way, after what looks like a “brutal night before”. I'm “catching-up” with age, or age is catching-up with time... Which-ever it is, this morning, I thought of the days when people would marvel at how, after a night's sleep, I'd wake and my hair was perfect. Funny shit, that, because, something as petty, unimportant, just ridiculously trite and a mussy head, sent my mind PLUNGING... the thoughts started as slightly amusing, a little levity, nothing really quite all-too-serious and then... well... here, this is how it ran amok. (I'm frightening me with this because of the thought of plummeting into the past and never coming back to the present... We used to call it “senility” and have done with it... but these days, with everything having to have an “identifier” and knowing so much more of the “organics”, well... And even as so “brilliant” the human species claims to be, the best they can come up with is a “name for it”... but NOT how to avoid ANY of it nor, how to repair. I'm just SO fucking “done with” all this bull-shit... to be honest. Humanity truly is, when one looks at it with any honesty, the LOWEST life form... it - we - just have the greater ability to be more devastating. Anyway... here's the “darkness du jour...)
In my “younger years”, I had my “sleep-around days”. I had MANY “sleep-around” days. Perhaps too many. Perhaps not many enough. And perhaps, in fact, they weren't “many” to some, but I'd been sufficiently “indoctrinated” to the point where, some-how I believed that even one, was “too many”. Still, “sleep-arounds” served a purpose.
Essentially, I'd sleep with anybody who would sleep with me. I remember “Paul K.” telling me, one evening, as we stood, having drinks at Uncle Charlies (“South” or “Downtown”... which-ever):
“They stand there, looking all perfectly groomed, with a look and air that tells the rest of us that they're too good for us, we're definitely not good enough for them and yet, they're just common. But YOU, you're constantly being 'cruised' and you're oblivious to it! You're not ignoring it, you just honestly don't see it. You could walk in any place in The City, simply point, and walk out with ANY of your choice, and you just don't see it!” (No... I didn't. I was NEVER “good enough”, handsome enough, not even likeable... never mind, “enough”, thanks to the “indoctrination” and years of being told how inefficient, ineffectual, incompetent and “burdensome” I was.) So when somebody even so much as indicated a slight “interest”... I was all but over-whelmed by the compliment AND, I figured that, if “they took me home”... that was one less night and day in a place where I knew I was despised, and MAYBE, MAYBE, if I could be “good enough”, I'd get to stay, even if just long enough to get to a point where I'd NEVER have to go back to that place “they” knew as my “home”. Still, one night away was one night more where I could gather my own strengths, recover from the abuse, or, at least get to a point where I might be able to tolerate more. We, who ever it was, and I, were off and away... What I'd “have to do” in order to procure my little “haven”... for an hour, a night, a week-end really didn't matter. Hey! If I ended-up dead, I'd end up that way anyway. At least THIS way, I'd be getting SOME sort of “pleasure” out of what-ever pain had to be endured...
That's how I managed to survive up to now: by sleeping with somebody... ANYBODY who would keep me away from going back to that house.
And the reason I'd wake, in “perfect order” was because I'd slept in safety, the night before. I'd slept soundly, because I didn't feel threatened, believed that I wouldn't be attacked, suddenly, yelled at, beaten. After the “tryst”, the “fling”, call it what you will, I was tired, exhausted, and in the company of some-one who didn't want me dead... or, well, at least that's what I believed... at the time. So my head rested on a pillow and my mind got the opportunity to shut off the “defences”... and I SLEPT, calmly. Sure, next morning, there I was, looking as if I'd just stepped from the shower, neat, and tidy. (It also helped a great deal if I'd had to go some-where immediately after... AND it “covered” the “reality” of the night when I HAD to walk back into that Hell... at least I didn't look “battered and abused”, in spite of what-ever I'd been through the night before. I looked... LOOKED as though I'd passed the night away at the local library... poring over some scholarly tomes... or having a delightful “tea”. They, those “parents”, NEVER KNEW... NEVER.)
I “majored” in Psychology all those years, devouring every possible course, investigating every possible angle, thought, theory, philosophy, postulation, so that I could better see, handle, cope with my own existence.
I needed to be able to view me and my situation from a purely clinical perspective.I needed to be able to view my existence as if it were a Petri dish, and I was some sort of “organism”, growing and developing on some substrate.
I saw me, removed from the actualities, as some sort of “science experiment”, removed from the events, observing and taking notes, comparing what “was” with what “could” and “should” have been. If, for even the briefest of moments, I'd actually become “me”, and “lived” what I was observing, it would have been certain death... just as it did, on those occasions when I tried to stop the experiment: the sliced wrist, the 150 Bufferin, the train and bus and walking trip to “The Ridge”. Even those were, essentially, parts of a “great experiment”.
I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was testing the “subject matter”, that bit of hideous-yet-intriguing mould on the sticky, off-white substance, in the other-wise sterile glass dish, to see just what its tolerance level was. It's why, after so many attempts, I'd concluded:
I wasn't really “alive” at all, that, in fact, I wasn't born alive, rather, “his” attempts at killing me BEFORE birth, had been successful and that I was, in fact, dead, just some bit of something “transient”, an “energy” perhaps, (a “soul” or “spirit”?) trapped between “life” that should have been and “after-life” that I just wasn't able to reach.
So many were the times when I'd simply wonder “What else? How much more? Who's testing me?” when, all the while, in fact, I was “testing”... from a dissociated position, some-where else, to see “What else?” and “How much more?” I “intrigued me”, and, for the briefest seconds, there were the fleeting moments when I'd actually allow myself to impress myself with my tolerance of surviving the beatings, the abuses... from those “at home”, as it were, to the “encounters and escapades” in the streets, the bars, the clubs... various assorted and sundry beds. Even the alleged most scholarly of Psychologists and Psychiatrists concurred: I should have been “different” from what I was. Even the alleged most scholarly of Psychologists and Psychiatrists concurred: I shouldn't have been. And some of them, those few who “knew”, wanted to know more. They wanted to study “me”.But, I wouldn't allow that, wouldn't allow them to become partners in what was, in fact, my own “case study”, my own “experiment”. I wouldn't permit them to study “me” concurrently, as *I* was studying “me”. No. I needed to come to a point where *I* “knew” “me” well enough to where I'd be able to accept another perspective, point of view, opinion, and that's all their input would be, really because, at the basic, elemental root of it all, the ONLY one who even COULD, possibly, actually “KNOW”, the subject (“matter in the dish”, as I saw my “self”) was, well, let's face it, ME.
The best they could do was postulate, opine based on their own perspectives which were based and founded in their own learnings... and, honestly, their own opinions which they'd formulated based on their having studied and learnt the opinions of others... before them, others who didn't know me, and never would.
Very similar to the dissociated “me” who was note-taking, they were removed from the core essence of the “subject matter”, but I, *I* was, in incontrovertible fact, THE subject matter. Only *I* factually KNEW what was happening, from the tangible to the only-imaginable. And the more I learned of and about how THEY perceived “me”, and what THEY “thought of and about me”, the more ... “amusing” the experiment became and, over the course of years, I “survived” as a form of “entertainment”... to my “self”.
I'd some-how discovered the little ways in which to “mutate”, to become what-ever it was that was needed, at any given moment, by some-thing or some-one else, so that that some-thing or some-one else would willing provide even nothing more than a basic essential to survival. (And as I jot these notes, I can't help but compare me to a “virus”... imagine that... maybe, just maybe THAT's what I've been, all along! After all, from the earliest moments of my “existence”, “conception”, that's, pretty much, how I was treated... as a “virus” that needed to be eradicated... maybe, just maybe I've FINALLY come to a point of understanding that bit of “stuff” in that dish!)
“A place for the night”. A meal out. A little road trip. And evening in the park. Just... “away”... away from the tortures.
Well... almost 67 years now... WHAT A RIDE! WHAT AN EXPERIMENT! And the little “bit of stuff” in the dish moves on.
(Imagine... all this comes from the “anniversary” of the burning of G's. But what's even MORE... I'm here now, jotting this, because, right now, in another room, there's a little “Life” for whom I am responsible. And that little “Life” is the ONLY thing that gives ME “Life”, and is the SOLE cause and reason for me take breath. )
6.04 and the bloody furnace is running again, set at a mere 62F. And I've been up an about for over and hour and haven't gotten to my actual coffee yet! What a beginning to a day! I've some under-things that need washing. Oh, but how this old brain can travel about... still does that... I guess that's what it's accustomed to and that's what it'll continue doing... travelling... wandering... It's what got us here today, I suppose. - But, after a good shower, I DID manage to sleep-through the night, last night. - Oh... odd little dreamlette:
Working in hospital, at the cafeteria, for break, standing behind 3 Black Nurses (one was an Aide), queued to get a plate and a meal, somebody came along and pulled the Aide ahead of the rest of us, handing her a plate for a meal. The other two moved up, took a plate (the plates were old, blue-glazed) and as I reached up, there were 2 plates there, on the top of some old stainless steel box-of-a-sort, both of which appeared to have been used and not washed. I was a bit put off but they were the only plates there so I was about to take one when a middle-aged, Black woman came over, pulled the plate just out of my reach and said, matter-of-factly “I'm only makin' three plates.” to which I, some-what calmly replied “Oh? Wass your name, darlin'?” and woke from that.
Nice way to begin a day. But... I slept through the night, and the house was “comfortable” when I woke... and the furnace was running so... Let's see where all this shit goes from here, then. Shall we? (That little bit of “stuff” in the Petri dish... My, my, my, my, my....) - 6.24 Just stepped in from a smoke on the front porch... the moon is gone. Gee! I got to see it, and marvel at it this morning. - One note though: breathing is quite an effort this morning. Almost a “conscious effort”. And I realised something as I stood out there in the cold: I live in a constant fear... that Yonah will be taken from me. It's always been that way: what-ever has ever brought me any “joy”, given me a reason or cause to “continue”... I've never really been able to enjoy it “fully”... because of that fear that it will soon be taken from me. Oddly enough, it has been... eventually. But really, isn't that what “Life” is all about? It's not that things, places, events are “taken”... they just get “replaced” or they “change”. I just perceive it as “taken”. - Oh... WHAT caused all this “morbidity” this morning? Is my mind really just “slipping away”? It's the quiet. That's what it is. Time to get “occupied”. The washing is in the basin. There's a diversion. Now on to something to pass the time whilst the washing soaks. I still want to get something done for the “G's Memorial”. - 9.26 I'd gone in to check on Yonah at about 8.00 and he was simply just silent and still. He was “awake”, but just wasn't moving about and so silent... I opened his door, removed the roof board, opened the Eastern window... set his futon correctly and... had a lie-down, me. And for an hour... I half-dozed. In that “state”, it was the usual “odd thoughts” that floated about in my mind. I was “aware but not”, as is my common “dozings”. But the thoughts were scrambled, senseless. I “woke” about an hour later, laid there, not wanting to be awake and not really wanting to be asleep, and then... Yonah coo'ed! So I got up, folded the blankets and got to the “morning” routine of opening the rest of the windows, removing the back board, changing his water, putting his bird-songs on... “tidying” his house. THIS HOUSE WAS COLD! And I've had ALL the “cold” I can handle right now. So the furnace is set at 68F and I can't care about the oil... which I'll check at some point, later, when I head into town. THERE'S QUITE THE SNOW STORM EXPECTED TO HIT TONIGHT AND LAST THROUGH TOMORROW! QUITE AN ACCUMULATION, TURNING TO FREEZING RAIN BEFORE IT ENDS. AND NOW, I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HEATING THIS PLACE WHEN THE POWER GOES... WHICH IT WILL, I'M ALMOST POSITIVE. Oil to be delivered on... Tuesday... of course. - But this morning was HORRIFIC! For a while, I was terrified... “Alzheimer's”? I could FEEL that my mind “wanted to slip away”... I was getting more and more “lost” in slipping back to... oh... the 70s. The good, the bad, the joyful, the horrors, the ugly, the all-of-it. I washed the under-things, and they wouldn't rinse properly. It bothered me. The lighting in the house bothered me. The grey skies bothered me. The COLD bothered me. BREATHING bothered me. It was a period in time where, ever-so honestly, if not for Yonah, I WOULD have just given-up, given-in, gone right back to bed and not bothered... with anything, and just “waited”... - I'm wondering if it doesn't have something to do with the oven, the heating of the sand. Am I burning-off oxygen in the house? Between the oven and the teracottas, and the closed doors and windows... I wonder. - In fact, when I got up again, at about 9.00, I was feeling quite different, better, “normal”. Yonah gave a couple more coo's and I noticed the sand wasn't completely dry so I have it on 350F now... to finish drying it and for a bit more warmth in the house. And my head is trying to “float” again. Maybe it IS the oxygen in the house! - EVEN YONAH IS ON THE FLOOR AGAIN ALREADY! Is it the cold in his house, from the window? Is it that the air is better, closer to the floor? SOMETHING in this house just is NOT “proper”... and I don't know what it is. The “CO2” thingie hasn't made any noise. But that's for CO2. “Something” just isn't proper, correct, “right” about this place. - Plan? I'll check the oil situation and if possible, I'm going to BLAST this house with heat... open a door or something, for a while, to FORCE and “exchange of air”. Just for a moment or so. Tomorrow is supposed to be -9° with all the snow, and there's supposed to be quite the wind-storm with. If it's noticeably warmer, I WILL open something... AND, HOPEFULLY, I'll have enough oil to RUN THE SHIT OUT OF THE FURNACE AND HEATING AND WARM THIS SHIT-BOX UP! - I've NO idea WHAT, the actual fuck, is going on with me, and I AM feeling a LOT better than I did at 8.00. But I'm still not “back” yet... and I MUST get a roll into town today too... AND, of course, there's the horrid anxieties about the truck running... properly and at all. Oh well... Always something. - Honestly... is THIS what happens at “a certain age”? There's nobody to ask... and I just don't have the “manual”... (and I really don't trust the internet... and, come to think of it... “medical professionals” either, for that matter). - I DID look up the “early warning signs of Alzheimer's”... On the list of “Top 10”... mine all fall into the “Oh, you're just fucking old, you stupid shit.” OKieDOKie then. - Time to get rolling with what-ever.... The furnace just stopped and the fucking cold is creeping up my legs again... IMMEDIATELY! I'M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS COLD SHIT! - 15.33 FINALLY... sitting at the work table, with Yonah, as the bleating sun shifts in the sky and the room gets a bit darker! The damned day is all but done already! And I'm having a tea... and Yonah is in his little “moss nest”! The temperature in his room is 24,3, but I'm sure that'll drop in no time at all, now that the sun is gone! FUCK! But the furnace is set at 68F and the only direction it's going from there is UP! I'm FUCKING FED-THE-FUCK-UP with this cold shit-box! And WHY? WELL! AT ABOUT 11.30, I WAS READY TO HEAD OUT THE DOOR TO MAKE WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A REALLY QUICK RUN INTO TOWN AND BACK! I HAD EVERYTHING IN HAND AND TRIED TO SLIP OUT THE FRONT DOOR (SO THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE TO USE THE DRIVE, GOING PAST NEXT-DOOR... AND, MORE IMPORTANT, I WANTED TO STOP IN THE CELLAR TO CHECK THE OIL BECAUSE OF THE “THREATENED” SNOW STORM TONIGHT, THROUGH TOMORROW AND... *MOST IMPORTANT*, I DIDN'T WANT YONAH TO KNOW THAT I WAS LEAVING! WE HAD A ROUGH START TO THE DAY AND HE'D BEEN QUITE “ATTENTIVE” OF ME AND WHERE I WAS... EVEN TO MAKING A FLIGHT THROUGH THE KITCHEN TO MAKE SURE I WAS THERE!) AH... SO... OUT THE DOOR, ROUND TO THE CELLAR... I WENT IN AND THE SHED DOOR CLOSED BEHIND ME! RIGHT IN LINE WITH THE WAY THE MORNING HAD BEEN GOING, SO, IN THE DARK, I WENT OVER TO THE TANK AND, WITH THE FLASH, CLICKED THREE SHOTS OF THE GAUGE. OH YES... WE'RE *BELOW THE HALF* BUT NOT BY TOO AWFULLY MUCH. AND WE'RE *NOT* AT A QUARTER SO... OIL AND HEAT FOR TODAY AND TOMORROW! DELIVERY ON TUESDAY! I WAS FEELING A TOUCH BETTER, AND HEADED TO THE TRUCK. HOPPED IN, AND I WAS RELIVED THAT THE DOOR WASN'T FROZEN SHUT. KEY IN IGNITION, GAVE IT A TURN AND... RRRRRMMM....RRRRRRMMMM... RRRRRRMMMM.... NOTHING! GAVE IT A MOMENT, TRIED AGAIN... RRRRRMMMMM.... CLICK. RRRRRMMMM... CLICK. I LOOKED AT THE BATTERY GAUGE... ONLY A QUARTER OF A CHARGE! AND THE HEAD-LIGHTS WERE TRYING TO COME ON BECAUSE OF THE FROST ON THE WIND-SHIELD! BUT THE DASH LIGHTS LIT AND THE GAUGES WERE WORKING SO... I JUST LET BAD-ENOUGH BE AND HEADED BACK INTO THE HOUSE... TO CALL... *AAA*! (IMAGINE THIS: I WAS ACTUALLY CONSIDERING LETTING THAT GO, NOT BUT ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO! JEEZUS KRISTE! I'D'VE BEEN FUCKED-TO-THE-ROYALTY TODAY!) SO... IT WA S ABOUT NOON BY THEN, AND THE NICE YOUNG LADY WITH THE WESTERN-NY ACCENT SAID “SOMEBODY SHOULD BE THERE BY 2.04/14.04.” I DIDN'T CARE WHEN ANYBODY GOT HERE... I WAS JUST IN A PANIC THINKING OF THE EXPENSE OF A NEW BATTERY AND HOW MUCH AAA WOULD CHARGE... AND, IF I WENT TO BUY ONE, HOW I'D GET IT BACK HERE... NOT TO MENTION, “NAPA” ONLY CARRIES THE 100$-PLUS! AND I DON'T HAVE THAT NOW! I WAS LOOKING AT A “TOWN TODDLE” AND GETTING SICKER BY T HE MOMENT. BUT... “MIKE” ARRIVED, WITH A CHARGER, CLIPPED IT ONTO THE BATTERY, I TURNED THE KEY AND... VVVVVVVVVVFRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOM !!!!! MIKE SAID TO RUN THE TRUCK FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES TO RE-CHARGE THE BATTERY AND WE CHATTED... HE'S FROM BROOKLYN... CAME DOWN FROM MOOERS FORK... !!! “HOME-TOWN” AND UP-NORTH! IT WAS WONDERFUL! AND I WAS THRILLED THAT THE TRUCK WAS RUNNING! SO... I BOLTED BACK INTO THE HOUSE, GRABBED THE TOTE FOR MARKET, GOT BACK INTO THE TRUCK AND HEADED DOWN THE MAIN TO “THE JUNCTION”... ONTO THE NORTHWAY... DROVE UP TO THE LEWIS EXIT, CAME BACK DOWN INTO LIZTOON. STOPPED AT FamDoll FOR SMOKES... AND HAD TO TURN THE TRUCK OFF! FUCK! GOT MY SMOKES, GOT BACK INTO THE TRUCK... STOMACH GNAWING... AND... VVVVRRRRROOOOM! IT STARTED! SO I WAS OFF TO MARKET. BUT BECAUSE THE TRUCK HAD STARTED AND I WAS RELIEVED... AND I HAD TO PEE ! BUT, I HAD TO GET TO MARKET! SO OFF I ROLLED, GOT TO MARKET. TURNED THE TRUCK OFF AND BECAUSE OF BEING SO NERVOUS ABOUT THE TRUCK, I *HAD* TO PEE! I *RAN* INTO THE MARKET, THROUGH THE AISLES, WITH LIST IN LIPS... GRABBED THE VERY FEW ITEMS I'D GONE IN FOR AND GOT THROUGH THE CHECK-OUT! INTO THE PARKING LOT, NOT HAVING TO PEE ANY MORE BECAUSE OF BEING AFRAID OF GETTING STUCK THERE AND HAVING TO WALK BACK TO THE HOUSE AND CALLING AAA AGAIN... BUT... KEY IN IGNITION AND VVRRROOOOM! I WAS RUNNING AND ROLLING! AND OF STORY... MADE IT BACK TO THE SHIT-BOX, IN, HELLO TO YONAH FROM THE DOOR WHO “woo-HOO'ed” BACK! I WENT IN TO KISS-KISS HIM HELLO AGAIN AND OFF TO THE LOO! AFTER, GROCERIES, SO VERY FEW, IN REALITY, PUT UP... AND... MADE IT! NOW... I ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY MUST REMEMBER TO START AND RUN THE TRUCK IN THIS COLD !!! THERE'S 3/4 TANK OF GAS IN IT, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TO CARRY ME THROUGH THE MONTH IN THE ACCOUNT, BUT... THE TRUCK MUST BE ATTENDED, SO... WE'LL MANAGE! AND I'M EXHAUSTED !!!
OH... AND... I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT THIS MORNING'S MALAISE VERY WELL COULD HAVE A LOT TO DO WITH WHAT I HAD BEFORE BED LAST NIGHT: I'D MADE A BIT OF A “PASTE” WITH EGG NOG AND THAT “HEAVY CREAM” POWDER! TOO MUCH FAT, FAT, FAT! I NEED TO NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN! BUT I DO THINK THAT THE STRESS OF THE DAY HELPED TO BURN IT OFF... I'M JUST TIRED NOW. STILL, IT WAS RATHER ALMOST FRIGHTENING THIS MORNING! - ***** AND THIS MORNING, ROUND-ABOUT 10.30, I WAS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD THE FRONT SCREEN DOOR SQUEAK, FOLLOWED BY A GENTLE “KNOCK”. IT WAS DEBORAH. AS I OPENED THE DOOR, I ASKED HER IN, SHE STEPPED IN AND HANDED ME A LITTLE BROWN “GIFT BAG” AND SAID: “THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD HAVE AND SOME COOKIES.” WE TALKED, BRIEFLY, ABOUT TONIGHT'S FORECAST AND SHE LEFT. WHEN I GOT BACK TO THE KITCHEN, I REACHED INTO THE BAG... YES, A LITTLE PLASTIC BAG WITH HOME-MADE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES AND SOME BLUE “GIFT-PAPER”... AND INSIDE THE GIFT PAPER... A MOURNING DOVE TEA-LIGHT HOLDER !!! IT HAD AN OLD VOTIVE IN IT THAT HAD BEEN THERE SO LONG THAT IT WAS ALMOST A PART OF THE HOLDER, AND IT APPEARS TO BE HAND-PAINTED AND GLAZED! IT REALLY IS THE CUTEST! WHEN I PHONED TO THANK HER, DEBORAH SAID SOMETHING ABOUT “I THINK SHE PAINTED IT HERSELF. I'VE HAD IT FOR A LONG WHILE, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE IT.” AND THEN SHE SAID “YOU'RE SO SWEET, AND YOU TREAT HIM (YONAH) SO SWEET.” I REMOVED THE VOTIVE, CLEANED IT UP A WEE BIT AND PUT A TEA-LIGHT IN INSTEAD. BUT IT TRULY IS AN AMAZING LITTLE PIECE OF ART! AND A “MOURNING DOVE”! IMAGINE! I MENTIONED TO DEBORAH THAT I NEVER SAW ME AS A “BIRD PERSON” AND SHE SAID “YOU ARE NOW, AND IT'S ALL COMING TO YOU NATURALLY.” WELL, I DO SUPPOSE SHE'S QUITE RIGHT. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING IT LIT TOMORROW... IN OUR “STORM”... AS I SPEND THE DAY WITH YONAH. *****
19.22 The day has finally come to a close... (and sadly, that thing next door has come to “animation”, stupid piece of worthlessness... oh well, let's see how it fares in the snow storm we're supposed to expect; I'm just rather surprised I didn't see it during the day, what, with the tow truck from AAA and the time I was out there... though I'm glad it didn't come out... maybe it “knows” I want no part of it... what-ever). - ANYWAY... good that I made it to the errands. 3 packs of smokes and some “extra provisions” for the “duration”. And tonight, for meal, it was “angel hair and lentils”. I've been looking forward to having that again. If it gets “miserable” tomorrow AND WE HAVE POWER, I MIGHT throw together a “chili”. Something to cook during the day. (The new electric bill will probably HIT on Tuesday. I almost dread that. Thankfully, it's a “budget” payment but still... I don't even really believe I want to know what the “actual” is... I didn't send a “reading” this month, so I wonder if they “estimated”. If they did, it'll be lower than actual... and eventually, I'll get BURIED! But, there's nothing I can do about it. It's not as though I'm running much of anything... I mean... OK... most folks have air conditioners in Summer... I have little radiators in Winter... and these radiators don't seem to use much power... We shall see.) - I'm tired again, tonight. Early day. Only two brief half-snoozes. I've been considering another quick shower before bed, and considering another night with Yonah... but I don't want him getting too used to me being there through the night and I don't want to disturb his sleep either. So... we shall see. And I believe I'm still getting over this morning as well. (I'd jotted some lines of “notes” this morning and have to go back to put them in some sort of “order”. I almost don't want to get to them because I don't want to “slip back” into that mid-set. As it is, I'm not feeling 100% “well” from it all, even now. But... - 19.51 Odd... I'm sitting at the kitchen table and there was some kind of “thump” out-side on the front porch, and head-lights shining in through the curtains on the door... and somebody passed in front of them. There's no reason to park a car facing the house. A quick check... the light at the PO is on (of fucking course), but there's no sign of anybody having been out there. Hmmmm.... - 20.06 Well... Yonah is tucked-in, I've taken “evening pills”. I'm grateful that he's here because, as I noted in his Journal just now... had he not been here today, I would have just gone back to bed this morning, or, I never would have bothered to get out of bed at all... feeling the way I did. I'd've been perfectly content just laying there to “wait”. HE IS THE ONLY REASON I TAKE THE NEXT BREATH, TAKE ANY “CARE” OF ME, MAKE SURE THAT I EAT PROPERLY (other than last night' too much fat). I wouldn't bother about oil for the furnace any more. I wouldn't bother about keeping the truck running. I just wouldn't bother... at all. But he's my “Heart-and-Soul” now, and we're in this world together... - I'm mostly concerned about the “storm” and the power tomorrow, but Deborah has a generator and Dan has a wood stove... and they've BOTH told me that Yonah and I are welcome in their homes, so, I'll have to figure out how to make his “former house” comfy for him, should the need arise. And though they both have dogs, they both have plenty of rooms where Yonah could have one to his own, I'm sure. So as long as he's protected... there's nothing else to think about. - Right now, I'm feeling quite fatigued. The “stress” of the day, the “stress” of worrying whether or not that “run” was enough to re-charge the battery. It's claimed that 30 minutes of even idling will re-charge a battery, and this one wasn't completely “gone” today. AND, the “run”? Well... it was the equivalent of a trip to Plattsburgh! About 39,something miles! Plattsburgh, Walmarde, is 41 miles! SO, it MUST have taken me more than 30 minutes just to make the loop round Lewis and into Liztoon. I'll give it a try tomorrow... when I “clear the snow off” and evaluate the shovelling that will be needed... and I'll “ponder” whether or not to do the “thing's” stoop... “ponder”... I shall... then, not now. - I still have to get to the “clean-up” of this morning's “affairs”... but I'm not going to “go back there” tonight. I'll put this all onto the server as it is and then “clean” tomorrow... hopefully when mind and body can tolerate the “dissociation” of a day's time. - Other-wise... tonight I'm leaving the thermostat at 68F. There's enough oil in the tank to handle it. If need be, I'll put it up to 70F tomorrow, but we shall see. - Right now, I'm going to “wrap” what I have, put it on the server and get ready for another “early” night. The “storm” is “due” in about 3 hours... I'll set an EARLY alarm, just to make sure we have power. There's a bit of a wind starting already. Something “banged” on the back gallery and I went to check and as I did, the light next door went on and then off so it heard the noise too. Oh well... what-ever. We shall see what we shall see... when we see it and not a moment sooner... I JUST MUST GET OUT THERE AND START THAT TRUCK TOMORROW AND MAKE SURE I DON'T LET IT SIT IN THE COLD... THIS WINTER! - Enough... on to posting... a little “snack” of some sort, some kind of “tele” and... TO BED! I was thinking about a shower tonight but... nah... not necessary, really. - 22.24 and that does it for another day. And instead of stuffing me with ice cream... I over-did the “corn crisps”. I NEED to stop all this “bingeing before bed”!
Mon.17.Jan: 6.57 I stepped out the front door for a morning smoke and... AVERY ARRIVED! Tomorrow's oil, delivered this morning! 118,5 gals. (I owe them 47¢) And yes, it's snowing. A light-but-steady snow. And yes, the main has been ploughed but it's “covered”. And there's shovelling to be done, but not right now. No PO! YAY! I've had coffee, put breakfast out for the Little Ones of the yard. - Slept-through last night, but woke, this morning, similar to yesterday: my neck in a twist. I heard the 5.00 alarm, looked at the alarm clock... it was still “dim” so the power remained on, I dozed... heard the 6.00 alarm, turned it off, contemplated getting up... dozed... heard the 6.30 alarm, turned it off and the pain in the neck made me think: Don't lay here, the pain will only get worse, and I got up. - And now? Even though I'm dressed and such, had the smoke, been moving about, my chest doesn't seem to be taking-in O2 again, this morning. It's a touch on the “heavy” side. I've a bit of sneezing too. I don't feel “not well” other than that. It's what-ever is going on in the lungs. But, we'll probably never know what that's all about until... Or, as they tend to say these days, it's “stress”. Oh well. I'm mobile, ambulatory, and typing. - On with the day, I suppose. At least it's only -5° and the “chill” is a mere -7° and the “high” will be a sultry -1°... and then we return to our “regularly scheduled season, already in progress”... -25° and the likes. So much for a “little break”. At least the house is quite comfy this morning. - Now... if I could just get a few breaths of actual “air”... that would be nice. - 7.58 Finished the “cleaning-up” of yesterday's entry... “removed” from it, because if I'd gone “back”, gone “back into” that... well... No need for that depression again this morning. And now? had a second smoke. THE LITTLE ONES ARE ON THE BACK GALLERY HAVING BREAKFAST! And the snow is falling lighter. From the looks of the “radar”, it should be done with by this after-noon. - BUT YONAH HASN'T CALLED YET! Time, with heavy heart, to go CHECK. - 8.37 I went in to “check”... Yonah WAS awake, and silent. But as I whispered, he stretched his wings and I opened his door and he hopped to the opposite perch. Yep... he was awake. So we got to the “morning routine” of boards and windows, waters and bird-songs”. But as I was fetching the first of the water... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”! I replied, like-wise, he repeated, I repeated... and we had our “morning chat”! YAY. - We're up to -4°, the snow is barely falling. The Town Clowns have themselves a new “toy”... a plough that, pretty much, does a “one sweep through”. Oh my! And, I have to say that I was slightly “impressed”... they pushed the heaviest of the snow, on the Hill, to the OTHER side of the road, and NOT blocking THIS side. Imagine that! Still, I'm just not feeling “up to” shovelling, this morning. I just can't seem to get any “air”... any “quality air”. There's something in the lungs. They get the air, but none of it seems to be of any usefulness. I'm not “congested”. The “sensation” is as if there's some kind of barrier, a “plastic lining”, covering the inside of the lungs so that they do “fill” but nothing get through. Slightly “suffocating”. Oh well... we'll see how it plays out. I WILL go out to shovel though. I HAVE to start and run the truck a little while so... may as well do something whilst. I'll just take my time. One thing I have to say: I'm grateful that there's no “urgency” to any of this. It's not as it was, not all too long ago, in VT, where, ever day, every moment of every day, I felt the “need” to be doing all of this. Anyway, the one across the road are out shovelling. And from “radar” it appears that the worst is gone by us and that by about 14.00, it should be just a memory. My only gripe: after this... we plummet back to the “bitter”. Oh well... it IS, after all... “January”, and there's no telling what February has planned. - I have to go check the oil too... I'm thinking 3/4 tank, certainly nothing even near “full”. But, anything over a half is “OK”. (And I have to put more gas into the truck too. THAT is at 3/4 and I'd feel better with a “full” on that. Poor truck... it takes such a miserable beating with the cold.) - But the house is “comfy” and Yonah's room more-so. All is well... and it's off to the day for Yonah and I. HE'S OK... the world is OK. - 14.45 SHOVELLED FROM NOON UNTIL 14.30! MOST OF IT, THE TRUCK... WHICH STARTED RIGHT UP! AND... I DID THE THING'S STOOP TOO JUST AS JOHN CAME BY WITH THE PLOUGH... AND PLOUGHED THE DRIVER'S SIDE OF THE TRUCK BACK IN... OH WELL... FUKTARDZ. DIDN'T AND WON'T DO THE FRONT. BUT DID THE CELLAR AND CHECKED THE OIL... JUST ABOVE 3,4.L DAMNIT! AND THE DUCTS... THE BEDROOM WAS LOOSE! AIR CURRENT? MAYBE. - AND THIS MORNING, MADE A NEW “HOOD” FOR YONAH'S REGISTRE. VERY NICE. HOPEFULLY THAT'LL KEEP THE COLD DRAFT OUT. - AND NOW? WAITING FOR THE PAIN TO COMMENCE. BUT... THE TRUCK RAN WHILST I SHOVELLED AND THE BATTERY LOOKS OK SO... THERE WE HAVE IT! AND ABOUT 12-15 MOURNING DOVES AT THE TRAY! AT ABOUT 14.00 MUST REMEMBER THAT!
20.14 DONE! The day, the chores, the shovelling, the snowing... the “terrible, horrible, miserable” storm... that was nothing but quite a bit of snow... that's just light, benign flurries now. Sadly though, the temperatures are dropping again... back to brisk. But I'll be making sure to start the truck DAILY now. (It's going to be murder on the budget but... gas is cheaper than a battery... and other damage repairs!) I wanted to add here: Whilst shovelling today, Mme. Thing came to her front door and saw that is was ME who cleared her stoop. It stood in-side, looking out, and I motioned “C'mon out!” with a smile. It simply stood there, stone-faced, and shook its head “No.” Gee! I wonder... WHAT the fuck kind of shit is it being fed, and by whom? Well, I don't really have any fucks to give about it all. It doesn't pay my bills, provide provisions, it does nothing for the premises... it just resides... like a true “Vemonter”. Thankfully, it doesn't ask for anything either. Maybe it knows I don't want to be arsed. Well? Good then. Just let it be “civil” until such time I can get the jolly fuck away from it. - Mean-while. I finished meal this evening, chicken, veggies, potatoes and a bit of ice cream, by 17.30! Washing-up was done by 17.45! I'm hoping for a shower before bed tonight too. I need one... sweating from the shovelling. - THREE messages from Deborah today, with photos of Rosie and her property. THREE! In my response, I mentioned that I'm not shovelling the front step because of the ice. I haven't really shovelled a way to the porch yet, and I see that somebody did the ramp and porch for the PO. I don't care about that either any longer. But I AM expecting to hear some kind of bull-shit because of it. Oh well... The Mass-hole knows I'm looking to leave. Let the shit fly! I'm in no mood. If worse comes to worst, I'll just go apply for HUD... I'll have to forfeit something because of it, but... it stands for a new stove, fridge and I'm sure they're not going to like the duct taping and such. AND... I'm rather certain they won't “like” the lawn-care or shovelling either. So we shall see. As I say, I'm in no mood any longer. Eight years of bull-shit in VT... and a ruined back and lungs... and I have a Little One to look out for now. Shame, really, but then again... HEY! I'M BACK IN NY! AND THAT SHIT-SACK AND HIS CRONIE NEXT DOOR ARE “FOREIGNERS”. THIS IS *MY* HOME... NOT THEIRS. - And... I've just had a cookie, mint tea and my pills. Might go for a bit more ice cream and then... shower. Tonight, I'll put the furnace back down to 62F and see about tomorrow when it arrives. (The electric bill should be in the post tomorrow too... THANK YOU FOR “BUDGET”!) And I have to work on next month's budget too... I need new slippers! Even the Walmarde mocs have finally given! The toe of the right one is nothing but HOLE! (Time for a little “epoxy”? Tomorrow's “to do”.) - It feels good though... today... ALL THE MOURNING DOVES! The exercise. The shovelling! Yonah's Journal is to-date... including all the photos up to today. - I NEED TO MUST GET THE G's PAGE DONE TOMORROW! I really could use a hair-cut (of what's there anyway). But there's oil in the furnace... that I have to stretch through February at the very least... I did it last year... I can do it again... And I've NO errands tomorrow! I was thinking of going to the skip, because I really ought to, the bag is just about PACKED, but... we'll see how the weather fares at 14.00. I'm in no particular rush. - Oh... and I even “cleaned” this journal page up today too! So I'm going to re-post all now and have done with it. - I'm tired... but in a nice way... “Work”... it's a charm. - OH OH OH OH! It's on his Journal page already, but YONAH was in such another “AFFECTIONATE” mood today! It breaks my heart when I think of how he SHOULD be with a flock of other doves. He's such a LOVER! And he preens, he's “self-aware”. He'd made such a wonderful mate and parent, I'm sure of it. But now? I don't dare to put another dove in with him. I'm his... he's mine... and that's the way he wants it. Still. And tonight, he was, again, a bit hesitant about being left alone for the night. He wants companionship... MINE! HOW I wish I could snuggle up in his little house with him! Or even beside his house, some-how. But that would mean a platform-bed of some sort and, well, there's really no room for such a thing in his room there. Anyway... he was tucked-in by 19.30... and it's now 20.49 and all's well. Still... And as I said on his page: I took a snooze when I got in from shovelling today and he stayed with me, on my shoulder. I could feel him there, and his little toddling on my leg and hip. And, for a brief while, I pondered what “Life” would be with-out him. Truth is... there won't be a “Life with-out him”. I'm NOT going to go through any more heart-aches! I'm just simply NOT. Nakiia, Noel, Mimou... Hallie... Dixie... no... IF there's some sort of something “after” this shit-jaunt, Yonah will take me with him and we'll ALL get together, some-how, and there'll be no more of the PAIN. My “last snooze” might be with-out him, but it won't be for long... I've been working on it... - 22.42 Showered and off to bed! The house is warm, thermostat set back to 62F. Let's see what the morning brings... never mind, what pains the night will inflict, after all the “work”... How I do dread it.
Tue.18.Jan: 9.08 I did NOT want to get out of the bed this morning! The 5.00, 6.00, 6.30 alarms... and I turned them off and stayed in the bed. Got a bit of a “punishment” for it too... in the way of a bit of a sort of another strange and troubling “dream”:
I'd just been some-how and some-what hired by a large banque (combi: Chem/Chase sort of situation), in a really nice office environment. There was something about my being hired that wasn't exactly “good” because I wasn't really “wanted” by somebody in the corporation, because of something in by “back-ground”, but somebody else had “pushed me through” and there I was. I wasn't even sure of what my actual job was! (Now THAT'S rather a LOT like the “Martin/Motek” situation, imagine that making a “come-back”!) But, there I was,wandering about the cubicles, as if I belonged and such. - I wasn't much liked by the extreme majority of the other employees. There was something that I wasn't aware of, that I'd allegedly done at a recent “Christmas party” that offended a great many people, so nobody was really “talking with or to me”. - There was a brief moment in the dream that had nothing to do with much of the rest of it where, one of the “uppers” came to “chat” with me, condescendingly, and I happened to notice that, as I actually do of late, I'd closed my trousers only with my belt and my fly had opened, quite widely and my under-shorts were HIGHLY visible. Hoping that it hadn't been noticed by anybody else and realising that there was no way that the ALL hadn't noticed, I closed my trousers properly, all the while, engaged in the “chat” with this pompous, arrogant what-have-you. And then we snapped back to the “normalcy” of the office environment and I was, again, wandering about, trying to find somebody who could tell me what my “job” was and where I was supposed to be. I didn't even have an “assigned place” in the office! - As I was navigating my way around, my tiny “flip-phone” mobile rang. The connection was poor and there was so much talking in the office that I could barely hear the caller. - When I answered, a female voice asked for me by name. Figuring I just didn't care what the call could be about, just worn-down from all sorts of collections and treats and prank/crank calls, I confirmed and she said “Go ahead please”... like the old telephone operators would do for “person-to-person” calls. - As if in a great distance, a man's voice said, in a friendly-business tone “As you might know, I have a 'dismissal' on your case...” (Yes, THAT was the “Days Inn” fiasco making a come-back in the dream as well! And, in the dream, I was aware of the “dismissal” so this was a “good” call... as it were.) I was in good spirits about the call, but had to keep walking about the office, with a finger in my “open ear” to hear what was being said. “Yes, I am aware. And wasn't that quite a case, though?” I said, jovially. The caller wasn't quite as jovial and said “I have to get a printed copy of the disposition to you and am calling to find out how I need to do this.” He needed a physical address/location, of course. I said I understood the protocol, and that, as far as I was concerned, the call to notify me was perfectly sufficient. The caller wasn't having it. He had responsibilities to fulfill and he was to see them through. Meanwhile, I was wandering all over the office, trying to hear what was being said and remaining in a good mood about it all. At one point, I was out on a terrace of sorts, (reminding me of the “Winstar” office space) and I said, to the caller, that he could send it to me at the office... BUT... this is where the dream twisted, as dreams will do... In the first place, I had NO idea WHAT the building address was, NOR did I have any idea what the name of the company was! And THEN, I thought: this is only my first day so, if a letter were to get to “reception” and then to the “mail room”... I don't appear on any lists! I wasn't supposed to be hired, so there's no telling if there are any records of my presence...l AND, what was even more convoluted... I didn't even know what floor I was working on! I told the caller “This is almost embarrassing, because I know where I am, I know how to get here, obviously, but I don't know the address! - And with that, in the panic and anxiety that was about to develop in the dream... I woke. It was about 7.00! I laid in the bed for a moment, considering staying there until Yonah called, but then remembered that I needed to put breakfast out for the Little Ones of the yard and I bolted up, out of bed and got right to the morning's “routine”... even putting food on the tray on the back gallery, before getting dressed! The morning was in motion and so was I. - And I DID manage to sleep through the night! It was a little “difficult” at first, trying to get comfortable, and, laying on my left side caused intense upper chest pains, but those went away when I finally “settled” on my right side again... and... the next thing I knew... it was almost 7.00 this morning! - That said... I'd only JUST gotten dressed, and had the quickest smoke on the front porch... IN THE BITTER-COLD WIND that's even now, still blowing about... and it truly IS a “bitter-cold” wind, in spite of the brilliant sun-shine that Yonah and I are waiting to rise up over the trees... when.... at 7.32... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! I hadn't really even “started” the morning yet! But WOW! I was THRILLED! Yonah was up, awake and wanting to take the day! So... that's what we did... Morning routine commenced because, when I walked into his room, he certainly WAS “up and awake”! Stretching the wings and chatting away! All the while I opened the curtains and blinds and such! HEY! As long as Yonah's in good... there's nothing about the rest of the world that matters. - One thing I MUST say though, about this morning... KRISTE! IS IT COLD AGAIN! CLEAR SKIES, OF COURSE. AND LAST NIGHT'S WINDS, WHICH I HEARD BANGING AGAINST THE HOUSE, HAVE REMOVED MOVED OF YESTERDAY'S SNOWS FROM THE TREES... BUT DAMN! HERE'S THE COLD AGAIN! AND FROM THE LOOKS OF THE FORECAST... THERE'S NO “RELIEF” TO COME FOR QUITE THE WHILE! Rationing oil is going to be a challenge THIS time around! - 10.21 I'm just up from what was supposed to have been a “23-minute” but has run into about 45. Oh well... - The sun is JUST rising above the trees, and it's STILL DAMNED COLD OUT THERE! AND I'VE PUT THE FURNACE UP TO ABOUT 66F! - There's an “application” of epoxy on the Wamarde mocs. I doubt it'll help but there it is anyway... I can't afford to get new right now... Yes, a drive to Walmarde would be good for the truck (which I will try to start when the sun hits it today), but I really do NOT have the money... especially to piss away with travel to a store that probably won't have what I want anyway. So? So... All can wait... until the 3rd again. - Right now... I' have other things to attend... Yonah is on the floor... the furnace is running and the sun is making an appearance in the room. We've had “bird-songs” on this morning... time for a little radio... and I HAVE to get the G's page up and running! (I also want to try that new “insurance OTC” card... vit.C and such. I'm not hopeful but...) HERE WE GO! - 21.07 Day's done! I'm running late... BUT I HAVE THE NEW “HOME PAGE” ON G's WEB-SITE! I WORKED ON IT ALL DAY TODAY AND IT'S NOT AS I'D HOPED OR PLANNED, NOR DOES IT LOOK AS I'D IMAGINED... IT ISN'T AS EASY, CODING PAGES, THESE DAYS, WITH ALL THE “OLD CODES AND TAGS” THAT WORKED PERFECTLY WELL AND HAVE BEEN OR ARE BEING “DEPRECATED”! AND THE “FADE” CODING THAT WORKS FINE WITH YONAH'S PHOTO PAGES, JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO WORK AS I WANTED ON G's PAGES! I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT... THERE WE HAVE IT. AND I HAD TO RE-DO SOME IMAGES, CODE A “FRAME”, AND THEN POST TO THE “FORUM” AS WELL. A LOT OF WORK FOR A SITE THAT NOBODY REALLY PAYS ANY ATTENTION TO... I'M SURE. BUT I FEEL BETTER THAT THERE'S SOMETHING “NEW” THERE... FOR THE “ANNIVERSARY”. (If nothing else, if anybody from Washingtonville ever sees it, at least they'll see that there's still somebody taking breath who remembers “Joy”... and remembers them and they're hateful behaviour. Until I stop... and then? Well... by then, they'll be “gone” too, I suppose.) - Anyway... it's done! - This morning, when I went to check the post (nothing there again), Robin was closing the PO... She sounded SO HORRIBLE! Said she'd been in bed, sick, all the week-end! Honestly! When I asked her why she bothered coming in she said “Had to. Work. Coverage.” Reminded me SO much of me and my work ethic and how, ultimately, I ended-up FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED and abused. Oh well... THAT shit won't happen again. (And then there's last night's little dreamlette... That shit is lodged some-where in my brain! Fuck me!) - And it was a brilliantly clear day today... BUT BLOODY-FUCKING COLD AGAIN! AND WINDY! I DID GET OUT AND START THE TRUCK, BUT THE BATTERY MUST HAVE BEEN COLD BECAUSE WHEN I STARTED THE TRUCK, THE BATTERY GAUGE READ JUST OVER A QUARTER CHARGED! THE TRUCK STARTED AND I LET IT RUN AS I CLEARED THE BIT OF LEFT-OVER SNOW OFF AND SHOVELLED WHAT JOHN HAD PLOUGHED AGAINST IT.... THEN I DID Ms. FUKTARD'S STOOP AGAIN, AND I CLEARED A “PATH” TO THE FRONT PORCH BEFORE TURNING THE TRUCK OFF. HEY! IT DID START! EVEN AFTER LAST NIGHT WIND STORM! BUT TONIGHT... -19/-24 AGAIN... AND COLDER TO COME! FUCK! OH WELL... I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK-DOWN AND PUT GAS INTO IT... THINKING I'LL RUN IT UP TO THE SKIP ON THURSDAY... THAT'S A GOOD DRIVE FOR THE BATTERY AND SUCH. - In other “news”... the thermostat was at 66° and the house was quite comfy... but tonight... back down to 62! At least Yonah's room was and is warm. And the sun poured into his room today too... for the briefest hours that we get of it. - And the day was, as I say, nothing else but G's site. Tomorrow? I have other things to attend anyway.... and I want to try that new “insurance card”... even if it is Walmarde. I want more vit.C in the house. - And I want a hair-cut! I need one. Beginning to look a bit shitty. - And meal? Well... sat at 17.00 and by 17.30... DONE... COMPLETE! - So now... 21.21 (nice, cute) Yonah's journal is coded... G's new stuff is up and running, I'll post this all to the servers and... a little snack, some tele... and off to bed! And tomorrow's supposed to be “nuageux” and “flocons” again. Jolly shit! BUT... PLUS 1/-4! HEAT-WAVE! (Thursday night... -26 again.) Oh well... I'm off now... the furnace is running and so is the clock! - 23.20 At too much. Watched too much. Don't care too much. And the furnace is running and I have to turn in down.... “Too much”. (Furnace is off... I'm off... to bed!)
Wed.19.Jan: 6.32 and I'm in from morning smoke. Not sure how, because I didn't get out of bed until the shelf clock read 6.00. Then again, it was earlier because that clock is on somebody else's time. Anyway, here I am, all dressed-up and nothing to do. HAH! Nothing to do. There's stuff to do. - Feeling rather “off” again, this morning. Tight in the chest, as is a morning. And remembering that, I woke with the 6.00 alarm this morning, and did NOT want to get out of the bed! SO COMFY! Strange that, I sleep through a night and wake in the morning not wanting to get out of bed. But I laid there for a while, and in my mind, I'd done today's “Journalling”, fully aware of the fact that none of it was getting “recorded”. Still, I just wanted to stay in bed. But there are Little Ones to be served breakfast, and, well, coffee to be made. I put the furnace up to 65F and it's run twice already. But it isn't “cold” out there this morning, and only the lightest of flocons... which, of course, require multiple passes of the plough (it's just gone by for the second time). - A little note here: at some point during the night, I seem to recall waking to the sound of screeching tyres and a “thud”. Sounded as though somebody came along, careening round the corner. But that couldn't be, with all the gravel and sand on the road out there. I wonder if it wasn't the furnace. Anyway... - NOW I'm tired again, and this “tight chest” is annoying. “Anxieties” of some sort, I shouldn't doubt. And those just make the breathing all the worse. So it's time to move along to something.... so off we go. -
7.37 MORNING CALL !!! WOOHOO....hoohoohoohoo!
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11.18 DAMNED GOOD THING I WENT TO CHECK THE BLOODY POST WHEN I DID... ROBIN WAS JUST LEAVING AND... WELL, ABOUT AN HOUR AGO, I SAW THE “HANCE” TRUCK GO BY YONAH'S WINDOW AND I CAN TELL THAT IT TURNED ROUND IN THE DRIVE. SO I WAS WONDERING WTAF THAT WAS DOING HERE TODAY, FIGURING IT COULDN'T BE FOR ANYTHING “GOOD”. COME TO LEARN: THE HEATING WENT OUT YESTERDAY, IN THE PO... THE “VENT” ON THE MONITOR FROZE! NO HEAT IN ALL THIS COLD. AND YESTERDAY, ROBIN TELLS, THE TEMPERATURE IN THE PO WAS DOWN TO ABOUT 24F! SO... THE WATER IN THERE FROZE! SHE HAD TO BREAK ICE IN THE TOILET THIS MORNING! SO AMERIGAS CAME, “FIXED” THE VENT AND TOPPED THE GAS. SHE SAYS IT'S UP TO 42F NOW BUT SHE'S HOPING THE PLUMBING DIDN'T BURST! YEAH? WELL, “JESSICA” TOLD ME THAT THAT HAD HAPPENED BEFORE AND... IT FLOODED THE LIVING-ROOM HERE! ROBIN WAS IN TOUCH WITH THE MASS-HOLE, SO, THAT WORTHLESS SHIT IS AWARE OF IT. (EXPLAINS THE PRESENCE OF “HANCE”.) ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT THE MASS-HOLE WOULD CALL TO SAY “KEEP AN EYE ON...” BUT... NOPE! SO IF THE PLUMBING DOES BURST... WELL... THERE'S GOING TO BE CARPETING TO ATTEND... AND OIL USED TO DRY THE SHIT OUT! MEAN-WHILE, I NOTICED THAT THE KITCHEN COUNTER-TOP IS *COLD*! NO WONDER... 24F IN THE PO, IT'S COMING THROUGH THE WALLS! OH, AND GEE... “HANCE” DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK IN THE CELLAR! NOW I WONDER... I HAVE TO GO START THE TRUCK SO... I'M GOING TO GO CHECK AND SEE IF THAT “HEATER” IN THE CELLAR IS TURNED ON... ***** I'M PAYING THAT BILL ***** AND IF IT *IS* ON... I'LL BE SURE TO TURN IT OFF AGAIN. NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF THE COST (WHICH I CAN'T BE HELD TO), BUT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW SAFE THAT DAMNED SHIT IS! AND... YONAH! NOT TO MENTION, THE OIL TANK DOWN THERE! It also explains why the furnace is running. And I'm POSITIVE that what-ever sort of “treatment” is needed... I'M GOING TO BE CARRYING THE COST/EXPENSE! THIS PLACE MAKES ME WANT TO HURT SOMEBODY! SO MUCH FOR “YOU'RE LIVIN' THE DREAM”! HONESTLY, BETWEEN THE MASS-HOLE AND THAT THING ON THE “HILL”... THE ONE FROM NJ... AND THE DOLT NEXT DOOR... THE “HELL” IS RISING TO THE SURFACE TO MAKE THE “DREAM” A “SHIT-NIGHT-MARE”! WELL? WHEN WE FIND A BETTER PLACE... WE'LL DO WHAT WE MUST TO GET TO IT. MAY THAT BE SOON.
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And now, I have to look forward to going out and trying to run the truck! Thankfully, it isn't BITTER out there, but the wind is blowing and there are flocons. (Good thing I took a 30-minute snooze before all this shit hit the...what-have-we.) - Just for schitzengiggles... in case the Mass-hole makes any remarks about ME having to keep MY part of the house at a particular temperature (and I wouldn't put it past him to try such bull-shitterie:
The conversions of the out-side temperatures at night of late: -20C = -4F
-25C = -13F
-32C = -25,5F
-34C = -29F
12.13 WELL? THE TRUCK STARTED. THE BATTERY CHARGES TO FULL AS THE ENGINE RUNS, BUT AT THE START, IT'S ABOUT 1/4. I WONDER IF IT HASN'T BEEN THAT WAY ALL ALONG, BUT... AT LEAST THE TRUCK STARTS, RUNS... AND THE TYRES AREN'T FLAT! (Ah... 5199...) AND IT “ROLLED” A CLEARING TO THE ROAD... NICELY. AND I CHECKED THE CELLAR... OIL STILL *JUST ABOVE* THE 3/4 MARK... FUNNY THAT: THE TRUCK TANK IS AT 3/4, THE BATTER LEVEL 3/4, THE OIL AT 3/4. IT'S A 75% WINTER... - So, I'm OK with the day. And the clouds are sporadic so MAYBE the truck will get a chance to warm. It's -1° out there right now... supposed to get up to 1° by 14.00 and tonight and tomorrow... not “too bad”... not “too good”, but not “too bad”... for Winter. - Now... to take pills and get back to what-ever. - Yonah “called” when I was in the cellar. I called back and he answered. I wonder if that shit-sack next door hears him. Oh well... tough shit. He's a mourning dove! She's a pain in the arse. - And... still no call from the Mass-hole about watching for the plumbing. I'm thinking that if there IS a “flooding”... I won't speak of it until... FUCK THIS SHIT! - 19.50 OK! So the night is here, the furnace is up to 68F because it's “warm” out there and damp in here. Thankfully, the living-room carpet is dry though... thus far. And I've just been thinking about the “freeze” they had in the PO. With the temperatures at night being what they've been, and the truck battery freezing and such... I HOPE THEY DON'T LEAVE THE HOT WATER DRIPPING THROUGH THE NIGHT OVER THERE, AND IF I FIND OUT THAT THE MASS-HOLE SUGGESTED THAT IT BE, I'LL BE SURE TO MAKE “ARRANGEMENTS” WITH THE PO SERVICE ABOUT COVERING THE EXPENSE OF PROVIDING THEM WITH THE HOT WATER! I'M TRULY FED-THE-FUCK-UP WITH IT! And tomorrow, I'll just let Robin know where her hot water comes from... just so she's aware. Fuck this shit... turn the heat up over there at night... pay the fucking gas bill your damned selves! I'm not a “philanthropist”! - ANYWAY... I HAVE A BIT OF “NEWS” TODAY”...
I was putting-away some “change” that had been on the work and kitchen tables for the past several days... a dollar, 2 quarters and 2 dimes... and when I'd counted the dimes, including those that were in the dime jar already, I happened to notice something “different” about one of them... even though it was the “reverse” side, it just, some-how looked “different”, so I inspected... A 1941 MERCURY LIBERTY DIME! SILVER! And in quite good condition too! Imagine THAT! So, I looked it up on-line to see if it's actually worth anything of “value”. Well... as it turns out, the “melt-down” is worth but about 1,62$ today, BUT to collectors, and apparently there ARE some out there, the price can go MUCH higher for those who actually WANT or NEED for their collections! Etsy has them for 2500-5000$. Poshmark has one for 3500$. Mercri has one for 18$ too so... But I was quite impressed! It's now put aside some-where where it won't accidentally get spent... not that I have much call to spend dimes these days... with “cards”. But still. I can't imagine where it came from! imagine that! (Sadly... no “new house” in the deal. Oh well...)
And on the matter of “monetary”... I tried to place an order with Walmarde today, with my new “insurance” card... Went through the “official” web-site that connected me through to Walmarde... I scrolled through the “offers” and had quite a wonderful list of items that I can certainly use... 80$ worth! Not even the full 100$ BUT... when I got to “place” the order... 38$ of non-specified items were going to be charged to me! SO? I cut the site. Fuck this shit! The only way to find out what's what is to CALL and I'm not going to be bollocksed with or by THAT shit! Figures... another worthless bit of extra shit to carry about. Like the coupon for “free Pop Tarts” that expired 2 weeks after I received it... not that I expect Tops to honour those anyway. Pissed me off! - But in other news... I worked on the listing of the music on the iPod again, today. (Oh... nothing in today's post... I wonder where the electric bill is... Hmmm....) I'm only on 700 of the 1800-plus songs! Quite the collection! And I'm imagining what that would look like, were it on vinyl... or even discs! LOARDY! All on the little iPod! And YEARS of collecting! Anyway... one REALLY BAD thing... my eyes... even with the “fresh” pair of glasses (at 3.00), the screen blurs now. But mostly because of fatigue, I find. If I blink, it clears until the fatigue sets back in. And I have a LOT of that of a day! I “sleep” through a night and wake wanting to stay in bed... and I HAVE to take naps during the day... and even now, I'm almost sick from the fatigue. I wonder what it is... and obviously, taking the extra B12 isn't making it any the better so.. Maybe in April (if I'm still around... if Yonah and I are still around) when I have to go for the nest “CT/Lung” I'll ask the kindly doctor about it. Maybe they can “run some tests”. (Hopefully, by then, this “covid” bull-shit will be done with too and I can expect some honesty... though... I doubt that very so much anyway.) It would be nice to know what the cause is. (I wonder if it has anything to do with all the “discomfort” in the left ear. I just wonder...) - WELL...? At least the truck started and ran... let's hope it does so tomorrow... I want to get to the skip, market, FamDoll... I don't WANT to leave the house... leave Yonah, but there's garbage that should have been gone 19 days ago! And I'll need more peanuts for the Little Ones of the Yard too... one canister of food is done... (and I need more... but can't before the 3rd... at least there's another canister and more “Finch” seed in the freezer... killing the “pantry worms”. - Speaking of which... I had one on the lap-top today! I'd brought it in to Yonah's room and there it was, on the upper left corner! Down the kitchen drain it went! I wonder where it came from! I'll have to check the flour and oatmeal now... - Anyway... it's 20.24 and I want to go to bed! So... Yonah's page is ready to roll... this one too, for now... - Fritatta for meal tonight... I didn't take time for dessert so... - And Yonah? Well... today is on his page and ... thanks to the internet.. YONAH... 19 January 2022 It's almost cheating but... imagine me... keeping TWO journals... daily! - 22.47 I just don't understand it... I was on a schedule where-by I should have been able to get into bed by not later than 22.00! WHAT? It's this whole “going to bed” thing. No matter HOW exhausted I am, and I AM exhausted, I manage to waste time... doing nothing, really. Tonight was watching old compilations of “HIGNFY”. There's no excuse, other than, I have to admit that I do have a bit of a “fear” about going to bed at night... it's the pain of the contractions, and there's a fear of not waking up the next morning. Funny shit, that... For SO many years, I didn't care, really, about not waking up. But now that Yonah is in my life... I DON'T WANT HIM ABUSED OR NEGLECTED! AND I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY TRUST IN ANYBODY ELSE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM, LOVE HIM AND CHERISH HIM... GIVE HIM ALL THAT HE SO DESERVES IN HIS LIFE-TIME! I'm not “angry”, about it. I do NOT resent it. I have a “reason to live” now... and, well, as I've witnessed over the course of my own life-time... THAT'S JUST WHEN SHIT GOES TRULY BAD... AND LIFE IS TAKEN... FUCK! LOOK AT MOTHER: JUST LOVED LIVING, EVEN THROUGH HELL... AND JUST WHEN THINGS WERE GOING THEIR BEST... BLAM! FUCKED THROUGH THE SKULL... CANCER AND DEATH! DONE! “Life isn't fair”? No. “Life is a curse” and we never know just how much of a curse it is until... Well? Let's see what happens in the morning... when the alarms sound... or... what happens during the night... If I should die before I wake... the pain of not being able to give LOVE to my Little Heart-and-Soul will be my Hell...
Thu.20.Jan: Imagine this: 48 years ago tonight... the ONE place that gave me the MOST happiness, saved me, really, to be here today, to type this, was taken from me. Hey! Isn't that just how yesterday was closed? And so, I should have ANY “trust” in ANY part of Creation? I continue: “God made the world and God can only create perfection.” What a fucking crock of useless.... I wouldn't even call it “shit”. - 10.55 And the sun is finally making its way into Yonah's room. The garbage is ready to go to the skip. Of course, the “brand name Hefty” bag has a tear in it! More “perfect bull-shit”. (I'm really in no mood for the world today... I'm feeling fatigued, nauseated, just “dragged along” some “time-line”. It's physical though. This isn't just more “anxiety”... Today, the pain is in the upper-left... mostly the shoulder. And I'm thinking of being told that, when on Hill St., the old man threw me down the cellar stairs. I walked around for a while, holding my left arm up, almost life-less. The old woman said that she'd taken me to the doctor and was told “He wrenched it.”, what-ever “it” was. A day or so later, my entire shoulder was black-and-blue and off we went to emergency where x-rays showed “broken collar bone”. Well, I had many “good years” with-out particular pain from it, but, they say that child-hood injuries cause old-age pains... Maybe that's what this is? What-ever... there's nothing to be done about it. And I'll be damned if I'll go to the quacks at the “medical centre” here. More “stress” and “take two” Naproxen. Fuck off!) - There we have it. The “rave-and-rage” of this morning, this. - MEANWHILE... Yes, I heard the alarms... 6.00 and 6.30, as they are (both are 10-15 minutes ahead), but didn't get out of the bed until after the 6.30 alarm... and it was another of those “I want to stay in bed!” mornings. But, there was breakfast to be served in the yard, above all else, so, I got up, got the kettle on and away we went. I really MUST make more mix for the Little Ones of the Yard! Market today... Peanuts! - Now, last night, before bed, because of some “fun stuff” I'd done with HTML yesterday, I was in quite a “shoe mood”, to put it as such. REALLY! So, I “indulged” before getting under the covers. Imagine that. It's been a great many years since I had the luxury and last night... well... AND, again, this morning, same thing! As I say, it's been... well... as memory serves... since Rockaway! Time went: Rockaway, Tilden, Shelter, Rockaway, CT, Shelter, VT. Aside from Richford... it's been a long... LONG time. So... but... I don't understand why “now”, but it really is of no circumstance “why”... And I'm just noting it for the sake of noting. - Moving along... back to this morning... The house is/was/is that “damp chilled” again today. The temperatures out-side are at that point where it's chilly, but the pavement is wet... snow and ice are melting... it's at “just that temperature”... (Maybe too, that has something to do with the pains of the day?) Can't complain... HEY! At the very least, the living-room isn't flooded. It's the “little things”... - As I was simply moving about, trying to catch-up with the time I'd “indulged in”... I hadn't finished 1st coffee, hadn't even dressed yet and... it was 7.25... MORNING CALL! WOOHOO-hoo-hoo-hoo...YEAH! Yonah was UP! Today was “officially today”, and I was “officially” a part of it! WHAT A BRILLIANT JOY to walk into his room and see him there, up, awake, stretching wings... AND TALKING! I gave a “Good morning 'woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo'” and Yonah gave me a “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... So I opened his door before removing the night boards and getting to curtains and blinds and, as I went about my “tasks of a morning”, YONAH WAS IN ANOTHER MOOD TO TELL OF HIS NIGHT! Every-thing from a “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” to a “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo”! And we actually had “dialogue”... for every coo he told me, I coo'ed back. And for every coo I gave, he had one in reply! Oh! But it makes the “morning routine” pass SO quickly when we're talking through it!
It was almost nice, opening the blinds, this morning. There was a bit of “day-light” in the morning sky, and the “chill” that's usually hiding behind the blinds, between them and the window, wasn't “horrific” this morning. And the forecast is for “sun-shine” so... we had that to look forward to this morning: the sun coming in through the window panes and giving the room some well-deserved and much-appreciated warmth! (May as well get it today... tonight... back down to the -25 or -27°. Oh well. It IS still only January.).
What put a stronger smile on my face this morning: as I made the trips to and from the kitchen with the water for Yonah's pool, he had breakfast! He paid me NO attention as I scurried about! THAT's ANOTHER aspect of my LOVE for him that gives me “peace of soul”... that my activities are simply just “matter of fact” to him. “Naturally”, my activities should serve as a distraction, something he should be minding. In the wild, I'd be a “predator”. But, over our time together, Yonah's come to “know” that I do what I do for his benefit, that I LOVE him, CARE for and about him, and I present NO danger or threat. (But it's still interesting that he has a “fear” of “other people”... he does NOT like it when somebody else comes into his room, his “space”. Humans, in general, STILL present a threat to him... and I'm not going to do anything to change that. Of course, IF ever, at time should come when somebody else would have to come along to attend to him, it won't be “kind”... who-ever comes in will cause him anxieties... if not, out-right fear. So? So... all the more reason for me to “attend” to my health... WE ARE IN THIS FOR THE DURATION... TOGETHER! OH YES WE ARE!)
And so... “morning routine” was completed, Yonah took flight, off to the futon and his pillows and I went about settling the rest of the house... as I do.
At about 9.30, I took a break, had a “lie-down”... and Yonah? Right there, on my shoulder. The alarm had been set for 30 minutes and I “half-dozed”, as I tend to do on a “lie-down”... BUT... again... about 2 minutes before the alarm sounded... “Peck, peck, peck” on my temple! And when I didn't respond (mostly out of curiosity, to see what Yonah would do next), he went back to my shoulder and there he was, when the alarm sounded and I looked up. WE have OUR “lie-down” during the day... WE are a UNIT! WE are “the flock”. HE is my existence! When I got up, Yonah headed over to his house... the sun was up and shining in on his little moss-nest and he had a little drink of water (in the pool, of course) and off to his “divot” in the moss. I settled to the work table with him beside me. Our day was in “normal roll mode”.
At about 11.30 I took a break to check the day's post and when I came back in, I moved Yonah's house so that he'd get the most of the sun-shine that managed to rise beautifully in the sky... AND, after some kisses and cuddles on the futon... he went to his little corner “loft”... to BASK in the light and warmth! I went back to the work table... Seeing him basking gives even more peace and serenity to my soul... the world is fine with-out us being “in it”... and when he's basking, he's THE EPITOME OF PEACE! And it makes everything just so bucolic, serene... calm.
11.30 and in from the post... Nothing again, today. I'm wondering... no BILLS? No “notices”? Nothing? Odd... - 11.50 I can't believe how quickly this day is passing! I'd started to get to this Journal at about 10.30-ish and the next thing I knew, I looked at the clock... 11.20-something, as memory serves! It felt as though I'd only sat for a mere several moments! And now... I'm just caught-up to now, I've been typing this morning's accounts (Yonah, of course) and BANG! Almost noon! - Well... the garbage is ready to go at 14.00... By then, the truck should be warmed in the sun... and the sun really IS quite warm this morning. Hopefully the battery is good today. (Tomorrow will be another thing because of tonight's cold... What makes things “annoying” is... there's only but about 7$ in the VT after 2 packs of smokes... there's the 60 in the NY... but that's supposed to be for “savings” for the electric and... what-ever is coming along... and I could use gas in the truck, smokes to the end of the month... I'll have to “dip”... and there isn't enough really, to “dip” into! This is one of those “difficult” months... and maybe that's hanging in my unconscious... and that's why I'm feeling like shit... generally.) What-ever... there's now, Yonah's basking... the sun is shining, the furnace ISN'T running (set at 66F). We'll take the rest as it presents. That's all we CAN do... really... I just want to know HOW time is passing so BLOODY QUICKLY! - AND... today... 48 years... 2 years short of 50! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED TO ALL THAT TIME? I MEAN... REALLY?
And, to think of it... 48 years ago, I was “residing” in Albany... and thinking THAT was “North”. I don't remember exactly when I'd gone back to Coach, to learn of the fiasco, but I imagine it was either that week-end or the following. I wasn't in the habit of driving back down there all too often... I wasn't really “welcome” anyway, and I didn't have the money for all that driving. So... But hey! It's a “time reference”... 419 Quail... January 1974... I'd be leaving Albany in about 5 months... the first “solo failure”... Coughtry's and that DP Service Bureau in Fox Rd., Colonie. And to think... I'd only just moved in... what? October 1973. I'd only JUST turned 18! “Legal”... but not really because “legal” then, for “boys”, was 21... But the “parents” saw that I had a driver's license, was registered at the Draft Board, able to vote, able to drink and by smokes (legally) and had been out of school since February... so... FUCK THE LITTLE BURDEN AND GET HIM THE BLOODY FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE! (You have to leave and you have to leave NOW because if you don't he WILL kill you. And if he does, think of the stigma on the other kids, growing up knowing that they're father killed their brother.)
12.04 Pills time and “break”... finish coffee... here we go... another day...
13.56 The sun is shining... the roads are clear... Yonah is having a drink in the pool.... it's calm in the house... I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE! BUT... FamDoll... items at market... RUNNING THE TRUCK! Here we go! HELP!!!! - 15.37 MADE IT!!!! I mean... MADE IT! Left at about 14.15... BACK almost at 15.00! FamDoll... Garbage... Market... BACK! AND... when I walked into the house... Yonah called to me! It was as if he noticed that I was gone... But 45 minutes... I'm impressed. And I didn't rush. And the truck rolled! - But one thing: I got ONE tote of “stuff” and... before the “Card”... 71$!!! And nothing “exceptional” except a box of “Twinkies”... I was in the mood... instead of “salty”. OK. I'll say it: FUCK JOE BIDEN! and those who support that old shit! - Now, I have tightness in the chest, worse than this morning, and a head-ache. And there's nothing cooked for tonight's meal and I don't know what I want... other than quick and I'm not really hungry. But it's 15.40 already! FUCK ME! - 18.37 Another fritatta for “meal”... 3 eggs again. But it finished the previous carton, and I got more this afternoon. - And I'm still in pain... the left shoulder. But... according to the folks down to the med-shed (a.k.a. hospital), no heart attacks, so, I'm wondering: bad teeth? I should doubt it. But it goes across the chest as well so... Hey! I've had CT of the head... the chest... nothing. I'm “perfectly fine”... other than a “granuloma”. So? So I need to just keep going. - Yonah's waters are changed, the back board is up... and he's sitting on his extended perch... over my shoulder. We were playing before I stepped out for a “halfie”! He's in a bit of another “attention and affection” mood today. LOVE HIM! And DO I EVER! - But tonight... another cold one... -24°. I worry about the truck freezing. Imagine? The damned thing came from Mass. (oh, that might explain some things) and I got it in VT... It's a “Northern truck” for fux sake! Well, what will be, will be... will be. - And the 48th Anniversary of G's is done. Well, not really, because it was tonight that the call came for the blaze. I still wish I could find more info... just on the property... the history. It would be a delight. But, me, going to Washingtonville? I highly doubt that. Even if the truck were to run properly and gas prices would return to where they were. I just... well... I don't want to make that trip only to have some dolt get nasty with me and tell me “We don't have those records”... Kinda like Fuklin “We don't have those records right here. It might take 2 weeks.” WHAT? Never mind. - One thing I will say though, that I am grateful for (thus far): the house is calm... we'll see at 19.30... and then again after 21.00. - I'm hoping there's hot water for a shower tonight. I REALLY could use one. I noticed, this morning, a bit of a ... need to bathe. - Now, I seem to be caught-up with these journals tonight! Not sure HOW but... MAYBE I'll get to bed at a civil hour (HAH!), and though, even if I do... “civil hour” means up every hour through the night. How charming. - Just happy though, that I don't have to leave the house again for a while. (Not happy that I have to figure some “finances” here.) - Tomorrow, Yonah and I will be shelling peanuts and grinding and mixing. I just hope that the food on hand holds until February! - 19.51 Yonah is tucked-in for the night, I'm at the kitchen table with a mug of boiled water... I got yoghurt at market today and will probably have some of that this evening before bed... with pills. - I put the furnace up to 70F for a while, and opened the front door a touch to pull in “fresh air” as the furnace pulled. This evening's first run on “meal” was a bit of an “oops”... the oil and seasonings burnt and the odour won't leave the house, and it always seems to “settle” in Yonah's room. So I ran the furnace to circulate the air and pulled fresh in via the living-room. I don't notice that it helped much but... I tried. - I'm TIRED! REALLY TIRED! And I'm HOPING for HOT WATER for a SHOWER... and NOT at 22.00! Fuck! - Well? I'm posting this to the servers now... Even internet has been fucked today... SLOW! Half-speed! I'm pissed! So, will check into it (on-line, of course) and go on about my night... and GET TO BE EARLY! Forecast for tomorrow... -15 but sunny. Sunny means warm room for Yonah! And THAT makes me quite happy. I've no place to go, and aside from starting the truck, nothing much other than, perhaps, trying a water-colour... of Yonah! The only other item is working on the list of the iPod... let's see how it all turns out. - (One thing I WILL say: Mass-hole just better keep the distance ... stay the fuck in New England!) - 21.28 Off for last smoke... TRY for a shower and then TRY for a night's sleep. (I have to cook chicken tomorrow too....) - 22.07 I'm off to bed! ALMOST MADE THE 22.00 GOAL! OH... KEEP TRYING... shit!
Fri.21.Jan: 6.45 I could be in bed... But I'm up and dressed... and the furnace is running again, and it's quite “snappy” out there. And my chest doesn't want to expand, the “pain” of yesterday has moved down to the mid-section of my left side AND... in my sleep, that last little bit of tooth on the upper left side snapped so now there's only one tooth up there, all the way in the back. I'm becoming a “toothless old thing”. Any wonder I'm generally never in a good mind-set? Well, there's nothing to be done about it. (Sometimes I think I should have gone through all the dental in Richford, but I just didn't have the stamina to endure the pain of extractions and such then. I really, just couldn't. Well? Here I am, dealing with the consequences.) - I'm just hoping that the truck hasn't frozen again. - And this table here... in the kitchen, that can't be replaced with the one up-stairs now, is wobbling. I need those “bolts”... but not from the 7$ on hand. And, at this point, it being only January, I'm seeing some DAMNED-COLD days and nights ahead. - It's one of “those” days where “things” seem to be “heavy”. Alas. Well, here we are... and I have things to do over the course of the day: peanuts, more food for the Little Ones of the yard... Yonah's sand, there's chicken to be prepared and cooked (I have food). “Things”... to do. Water-colours, make a dove for Yonah... “things”... to do. And “aches and pains” to dodge. Hello? And for this I'm still around. I'm not the only, not the first and surely, not the last. So? So... along we go. - It's -25 with chill of -28. Charming! -27 for tonight. But... sun for the day so, warmth in Yonah's room... IF it actually happens. - 7.28 MORNING CALL !!!! OO!... A BIT ON THE “EARLIER-THAN” SIDE !!! OFF WE GO! THE MORNING IS OFFICIALLY UNDER WAY ! YAY!
12.03 Well... I got ALL the foods done, including the peanuts and sun-flower seeds ground, for the Little Ones... and all the washing-up. Started at about 9.00 this morning and just finishing. JUST CAME IN FROM TRYING TO START THE TRUCK AND...
***** DEAD BATTERY AGAIN ***** !!!!!
GOOD THING I DID ALL THAT RUNNING YESTERDAY! BUT... HERE'S LOOKING AT MORE WALKING FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN AFFORD ANOTHER BATTERY YET. AND NOW I'LL HAVE TO BUDGET THAT IN FOR NEXT MONTH. AND... I'LL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET A NEW BATTERY !!! HMMMmmm... MAYBE DAN? DEBORAH? I DON'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN BUT... HERE WE GO AGAIN! Well, it's not like I don't NEED the exercise. (Ah... and smokes too... but I can't afford THOSE either. It's another one of those “Remember when you had nothing and NO income” times. I'm tired of living like this. But... Yonah is here... It'll be fine.) *****
So... on with the day. AND... NOTHING in today's post again. I'm becoming “concerned”. -
14.33 THE TRUCK IN RUNNING !!! 14.49 RAN THE TRUCK UP TO “OPERATING” AND “MAGGIE” ROLLED BY... “AT LEAST YOU GOT IT STARTED. WE JUST CAME FROM JUMPING A NEIGHBOUR'S... WE'VE GOT FROZEN PIPES! ROBIN SAID THE POST OFFICE WAS 44°(F) WITH THE HEAT ON.” - MEANWHILE, I TRANSFERRED 60$ OUT OF SAVINGS, LEAVING ME WITH 5$ IN THERE... ORDERED A “CHARGER/JUMP-STARTER” FROM WALMARDE AT 60$... FUCKED ME ROYALLY. BUT, THE TRUCK STARTED AND I CAME BACK AND CANCELLED THE ORDER. TRUTH IS: IN THIS COLD... EVEN A JUMPER ISN'T GOING TO DO ME MUCH GOOD. AND NOW, KNOWING I'M NOT “UNIQUE”... WELL... I JUST HAVE TO GET MORE GAS AND RUN THE TRUCK EVERY DAY. SO WHEN THE MONEY GOES BACK INTO THE ACCOUNT (AND IT HAD BETTER BE QUICK ABOUT IT, FUCK), THE TANK IS ALMOST TO HALF... I'LL FILL IT TO MAKE SURE I CAN RUN THE TRUCK! “SHABBAT” WILL HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, IF I NEED TO DO THIS TOMORROW. BUT... AGAIN... IT'S A RELIEF TO KNOW THAT THERE *IS* WORSE OUT THERE, *AND* THAT OTHERS KNOW ABOUT HOW SHITTY THIS SHIT-BOX PLACE ACTUALLY IS!
So now... at the end of the day, I've spent so little time with Yonah, who has been on my shoulder several times during the day. COMPANY... He wants the company! Poor sweet-heart! But we have food... for him and the Little Ones of the yard... and I need to buy more food for him, come February. (And the bloody furnace is running again... -14° ... 7F ... with a chill of -19! And tonight... by 6.00 tomorrow morning... -27... chill of -31! Hopefully... with SUN! Fuck!) - 15.22 Well... Hoovered! OK... and chicken is in the oven... to back for about 4 hours. There was BLOOD on it! ICK! Washed, cut the bloody bit off... Fuck these people! - 20.46 The furnace is running... the temperature out there is -22/-25 and by morning is expected to be -25/-31! WELL! It's also supposed to be “generally sunny”... It had BETTER BE! Especially in the afternoon! At least I know not to try to start the truck before 14.00 or so now... provided there's sun shining on it for a while! Jeezus! But... hey... it DID start today and the battery gauge read 3/4 of a “FULL” charge... and it usually runs at half or about so... there's “hope”? (Not that I'll hold too much of that.) - AND... THERE'S FOOD FOR THE LITTLE ONES OF THE YARD... FOOD FOR YONAH FOR QUITE A WHILE MORE! THE HOUSE IS HOOVERED! And I'm feeling like complete SHIT... not even warmed-over! AND... I'm running later than I'd like... but YONAH'S JOURNAL IS ALREADY POSTED TO THE SERVER SO... there's the day! (Oh... and the furnace has been set at 68F from since Yonah's tuck-in... oddly, as it runs at that setting, I find it a touch “too warm”. But I wanted the house to be warm whilst Yonah's door is open AND to make sure his room has a good “base warmth” for the night! I'll re-set to 62F for the night when I head to bed... in a little while... I hope.) - The “pains” are now in the left side and this evening... THE LEFT ELBOW WHICH WAS THE ONE WITH THE CYST WHEN I STARTED WORKING FOR CHEMICAL AT 95 WALL! OH THE BLOODY MEMORIES! Hopefully I won't have to go “that route” ever again... with the “drawing salve” and “wraps”! But, at least I know what to do... should the need... IT HAD BETTER NOT! And I'm just feeling quite “dry in the sinuses”, fatigued, achey... I'm attributing much of it to the stress of the day... with the truck not starting earlier and then.. suddenly... it did. Sometimes I'm amazed that I manage any more. But then... my “existence” has been “stress”... it's when the stress is gone that I crumble. - And I had a “good meal of one whole “breast of chicken” (and I'm not sure if it was the blood one or what but...) and a LOT of vegetables. No dessert (yet). So I'm “nourished”. - Just finished a mug of hot water with night pills (late with them so). - And I've found some interesting “outlines” for Yonah's “dove pillow”! He really doesn't “need” one now... since he has THE pillow, but I'd like to make a little “dove” for him anyway... and there I have “tomorrow's to do”. - But right now... as the house “bangs, snaps, crunches, cracks and snaps” as it freezes... I'm posting THIS to the server as well and putting THIS day behind... A quick nosh and off to bed! Now that Yonah's back to being up at 7.30... I'll be sticking with the 6.00 alarms! WOOHOO(hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo!) - 22.17 Yoghurt. 2 choco-Twinkies, tin of peaches... yeah... that's “light eating before bed”. Fuck.
Sat.22.Jan: 7.27 And the front porch thrermometer is reading.... MINUS 20°F ... -20°F! The sky is as clear as it could possible be, the tiniest of birds and ONE mourning dove are at the food tray on the back gallery! THANKFULLY, I put the food out at about 6.15 or so... I got out of bed SPECIFICALLY to make sure that the food was there for them. - Last night? One “contraction” of the right leg, a briefest “walking-off” and then... to the best of my recollection, sleep through until the alarm. No further “missing teeth”, which is good news of a morning. And I got up and headed right for the terracotta heaters! A quick check of the “loo wall” for the PO. It felt “some-what warm”... not “bitter cold”. I'm a bit perturbed that that shit-box depends, to some extent, on the heating in this part. But, there's really nothing I can do about it... now. (I'm just waiting to be told that I have to keep THIS part warmer so that THAT part doesn't freeze. Oh! But the shit WILL freeze and hit something... or some-one! Heat AND hot water? I should think not... Although, as I look around for other places, this rent really is the lowest... I'll just have to see about “including utilities” for the USPS. Now THAT should be “fun”... fuck.) 7.30 MORNING CALL! 27,5° in Yonah's room! Until, of course, the curtains and the door are open. BUT MORNING CALL! woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! He's OK! And we have another day together! All is well. - 8.24 Morning routine done, house re-settled. Kisses and cuddles and “Good mornings” all round. - Me? Oddly, my chest is “closing” as the day progresses. The furnace is running. The house is chilled. And I'm in “Pissed-off” mode... thinking about applying for “Emergency HEAP” (and expecting to be told “We don't have any.”). But I DO doubt, some-how, that they can allow that, because of the threat of freezing to death. (Or... they'll say “We have a “shelter” you can go to.” Not with-out Yonah, and not unless he and I have a “room” or some sort of space, to us. Not to mention: getting there? I've NO doubt, at all, that the truck is frozen again, today.) But the sky is clear, the sun is making its way up... so we shall see. - I just wish I could get rid of the “tightness” in this old body, and the “lightness” of the head. It would be nice to know what's causing it... other than... “stress”. Oh well... - The terracottas are glowing, they'll be re-started at about 10.00-ish. And I'm off to attend to the morning's “internet” and then off to Yonah's... probably for a “snooze”. I'm exhausted already... - And the Little Ones of the yard are having breakfast... and there's MORE to serve... Yonah's “left-overs”. Well, it's good to know that, although I can't provide heat, I can provide nourishment. - 8.34 Somebody's in the PO... I can't imagine how cold it must be in there this morning. But... other than the fact that I KNOW what it's like to work in an office with NO heat or water (dear Cragsmoor)... it's none of my business. - 20.58 (catching-up on Sunday morning 9.04, because... well... I get SO tired in the evening... even though i DREAD... ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY *DREAD* going to bed at night, fearful of the pain that waits... See: Sunday) - This morning, I stopped over to the PO to check on Robin in that freezer they call the “post office”. it was 40F in there, and she had the Monitor set to “80F” AND a little space heater going! Come to find out, the day that there was a propane delivery there, when the pipes and toilet froze, Robin said that “Alvin” paid the delivery! (I wonder though, because SOME folks locally, replace “Alvin” for “Alden” and vice-versa, so there's never any “surety” in what they say.) Anyway, she also says that she's in regular contact with “Alden” about conditions in the office. I told her that that most-likely won't make any difference. So she told me that she'd suggested, to the PM in Liztoon, that they “close the post office for the winter”! HAH! I gave her a brief run-down of what “history” I know of the office, and the “villagers” fighting to keep it open. WELL! Come to find out, SHE knows that the USPS doesn't pay rent on the office, and she was told about the hot water situation... and how I feel that my “contribution” to the office ought to off-set the cost of the POB. She laughed. She knows as well as I do. I also took the opportunity to tell her that the major reason why I won't take the job there is because the locals would be FURIOUS if I were to take the office... I'm “too much by the book”. She commented that they have no choice, really. But I told her about the “Kevin Lothian” episode in Fuklin and that I will NOT tolerate that sort of abuse ever again. She was rather shocked by that bit of “news”. I went on to tell her the “history” of this house, and to what Alden has rented in the past. She was obviously rather fascinated, but, now she too, knows about this shit-box. When we discussed the “insulation” here, she said “Something has to be done. They talked about putting plastic on the windows, but I don't know that that'll do any good.” I told her why Alden has the house and the PO, what he'd done about the water-lines. When I told her where he's from, she asked “So what's his interest in New Russia?” I said that I have no idea, but that he doesn't do anything around here unless there's some sort of “recognition” and “prestige” in it... for him. Told her too, about him yelling at me about his truck and that he's in a foul mood. Then mentioned the house in Wadham and how it looks just like this one... made it clear that he tends to rent to trash. Gee, I wonder how that'll all get around town. (No doubt, the villagers will be at the door in animal skins, brandishing torches...) Anyway, I offered that she could sort the mail in the kitchen, keep warmer, put a sign in the PO door “Come get your mail next door.” She thanked me but didn't take me up on the offer. Really... I told her about “Cragsmoor” and the power outages, no water and such and how wonderfully caring the people there were. “Points of reference.” - Meanwhile, the electric bill arrived... I'm already 351 BEHIND! Oh well... I'll see what I can do about it. I need to save this money along the way. Either in saving (for the penny I'll get as “interest”) or, perhaps, buying money orders as I go along. I'll have to figure this out. - Did the “budget” for next month... not “horrific” but sickening, none-the-less. There's just no “catching-up” with any of this. But I remind me: (a) I'm NOT “sharing” the place, don't have to answer, daily, to anybody, don't “must” keep busy... so I'm paying for the “privilege”, (b) I'm NOT the only one who lives this way and that there have been MANY in my life-time, who've lived this way and it didn't appear to bother them. (c) This too, shall pass. And not keeping bills “current” really doesn't matter... in the long run. (d) What happens, happens, what will happen will happen, and no matter how we try to remain “honourable”... it just doesn't work out all the time anyway. I need to just say “Fukkitall”... and, actually, I DO. - THE TRUCK STARTED AT 14.15 TODAY! I rolled it round the house, just to get it “moving”. THAT was a relief! And, whilst it ran, I checked the oil situation and was rather surprised... it's JUST approaching the 3/4 mark! YAY! If I can hold this usage, I should be at “half”, come mid-March! YAY! Not too bad. Not perfect, but not too bad at all... Let's see how I do with the “rationing”. Still, it was comforting to see. -
Taking directly from Yonah's Journal for today: BUT THE ONE THING THAT REALLY GOT TO ME WAS WHEN THE ROOM WENT RELATIVELY SILENT, JUST YONAH'S BIRD-SONGS PLAYING, AND I HEARD A STRANGE-BUT-FAMILIAR “SPLASHING”... YONAH WAS IN THE POOL! MINUS 15 DEGREES OUT-SIDE TODAY AND THERE HE WAS, “LOUNGING” IN HIS POOL, WITH THE OCCASIONAL SPLASHING OF WINGS IN THE WATER ! HE LOOKS SO COMFORTABLE, STANDING THERE, IN THE WATER, WITH THE FOUNTAIN SPLASHING BESIDE HIM. SO COMFORTABLE, AND SO CONTENT. If I EVER had ANY doubts as to the comfort of his room, wondering if it's warm ennough, THAT dispels ALL ! And I DO SO enjoy seeing him enjoying his pool! (Especially for bathing, as intended, and no drinking, as he seems to prefer anyway. Fortunately, that water is changed, completely, twice, daily, so it's clean enough for drinking... after all, in the wild, birds drink from bird-baths... and those who do aren't the only ones who've been “in” that water. At least Yonah is the only one who's ever in his “bath water”. And too, I mind to make sure there's no poop or anything “untoward” in it... and if there is, it gets flushed and changed as needed.) And I STILL wonder how it is that, to the best of my recollection, I've NEVER seen anybody put an actual “bathing something” into those mostly hideous “cages” they “keep” the Little Ones in. And I'm rather surprised that it isn't (as far as I've ever seen) mentioned, let alone, stressed, that a place for bathing should, MUST be included. Well, if anybody ever gets to this page of this Journal... here it is. (And I've been wanting to “up-date” some items on his “Care” pages anyway... so here's another item to add... if I haven't included it already. SOMEBODY HAS to see his site! SURELY! And if Yonah can help make even one little bird's life better... Well then... Good for him!) Anyway, he “lounged” and “splashed” for several moments, in the sun-light, and when he'd done... WOW! HE WAS OFF, IN FLIGHT, ROUND THE ROOM, ACTUALLY “BUZZED” OVER MY HEAD before returning to his door perch to “shake dry” in the warmth of his radiator. It was QUITE THE SIGHT TO BEHOLD... especially considering the temperatures out-side (and the Little Ones of the Yard... out there, with their “good, Winter food”, fending against the cold).
AND, for the after-noon, as the sun poured into his room, I sat on the futon and cut out the “base” for his “dove pillow”... from a “Nautica” pillow batting. Stitched it round to hold the shape and cut... the cutting was more difficult than I'd anticipated, but it turned-out OK... just a bit on the “large” side. Now, I have to figure how to get the fabric on it with the fewest-possible “folds and multi-layers”. And it seems Yonah's not too “thrilled” with it. It appears that he perceives it as “another dove”... “competition”... I've been thinking of getting another dove for him as company, but if he's rejecting a “pillow”... best I don't bring in a dove who'll be resented. I don't want Yonah upset at all, if I can possibly help it. He's “taken me as his flock”... and I'm ELATED with that honour. So... tomorrow, I'll work on the “sewing of the covering” and we'll take it all from there.
This evening... “meal” was consumed and done in “record” time... 20 minutes from start to washing-up! But, of course, no matter HOW much or well I rush through one thing, I manage to fuck the extra time with something I had NO intention of doing... and never remember what it was. I wanted to spend more time with Yonah! But then, there's NEVER “enough time” to spend with Yonah. My little Heart-and-Soul. - At least, one thing I can say... today, those “pains” I've been having on left side, from head and ears to the hip, weren't as bad as they've been. - Tonight... got an e-mail from Deborah. Funny... if people don't 'text” they send “e-mail”. Nobody wants to “talk” any more these days. Oh well... I suppose it's nice to be thought of during the day. She's the only one who actually takes the time to communicate, as I think of it all. The one thing that “put me off” though was some line about “so many friends with covid”. REALLY! This “covid” shit is worn thin. I've NO doubt it's ALL just “colds and flu” but... people are so convinced that it's all a “killer”. And oddly enough, there's no stats being published about “deaths due to flu”... nor any OTHER cause. Looks like this “covid” has managed to kill-or-cure cancer, and all other sorts of ailments, illnesses and maladies. But... I did reply... with a photo of Yonah in the pool today. - And I'm STILL waiting to get my 60$ back from Walmarde! Businesses can TAKE money with a computer click, but they can't give it back in under 3 days. Somebody needs a good, stiff killer-fuck. These systems are brainless, mindless, intentionally incompetent. Oh... the world. - And so... tomorrow's forecast.. -7° for the high... better than -27... Tuesday's high, -2! HOT! BUT... still in the -20s at nights so... we're not “safe” yet... of course, this shit'll linger through another 2-3 months anyway so... nothing that can be done about it. - Did I mention: I ran a quick “budget” for February? Makes me sick! No matter, no matter, no matter... and in the end, it makes no difference. I try to “be a good little feller”... but... Hey! After making sure we have shelter and comforts... YONAH takes top precedence. Then again, even the rent and heat are... YONAH! (After all... if he weren't here, I wouldn't bother to get out of bed... EVER... I'd just be laying there, waiting for all of this “world-shit” to just fade and go.) - And for now... It's time for a bit of a nosh, a bit of mindlessness and off to “Bed and Dread”. Let's see how it works out... tonight. - It's been a day... quite. - 22.38 and I ate too much... again! SHIT and FUCK! 2 Twinkies, yoghurt with choc.syrup, a bit of ice cream, and a tin of peaches... I NEED TO STOP THIS EATING! I NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO BURN IT OFF! OR SOMETHING! - I AM DONE FOR NOW.
Sun.23.Jan: 7.34 HORRID night... up almost hourly, with CONTRACTIONS... RIGHT UP INTO THE GROIN, BOTH LEGS THIS TIME! UP, WALKING, STANDING, TRYING TO “TWIST” THINGS INTO PROPER POSITION. IT REALLY WAS HORRIFIC! And this morning... up with the “6.30” alarm... 6.15-ish, primarily to make sure that the Little Ones of the Yard have breakfast. (And good that I did because there was almost nothing there to be eaten! AND... the 3 “regular” doves are in, as I type.) - Feeling? Shitty, to be frank. Some-what constipated for the past several days, and it's taking a toll. Sneezing again, this morning, and wondering why. “Fatigued”, but that's to be expected, since I was up and down until about 3.00 this morning. So... here we go. - At least it's only but about -12° out there, this morning. But clouds in the forecast. And, there's oil in the tank for the furnace, food for all in the house. We're OK today. - I just wish I could shake these “icks”. “I'm sick and tired of be sick and tired.”
“7.43 this morning... The Little Ones of the Yard were served breakfast by 6.30... there was almost NOTHING on the tray this morning! I don't know where all the food went to over-night, and, thankfully, this morning wasn't “bitter cold”, although, hardly what could be called “warm”. And I was at the kitchen table, having done with the general affairs of a morning, thinking of Yonah (as always), and wondering about him when...
“woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” came drifting through the stillness. It was a “quiet call” though, not one of his other-wise “usual” clear calls. I was elated to hear him, but, of course, in a bit of my common panic. Was he weak? Was he just tired? Why so quiet?
But when I got to him, there he was, already stretching and ready to start the day. AND, as I said “Hey! Good morning... woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo.” He replied, quite clearly, with “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo-hoo”! and gave a morning shake of the feathers. And when I opened the door and leaned in for morning kisses. all was “well”. Kisses, pecks and a hop across to the other perch. OK! Yonah was fine, I was fine, the day was fine, the world was fine.
And again, this morning, as I opened curtains and blinds... we had a “conversation”! The back-and-forth of “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo..hoo-hoo”. HOW I WISH I KNEW WHAT THE PATTERNS OF HIS COO'ING MEAN! I, just like all other humans, am just so incompetently stupid, and this little genius, who has come to “understand” me, to “know” my actions, can some-what comprehend my voice and words, just puts me in my proper place in Creation. We, humans, are a sad lot, really. Dogs and cats “learn” our speech, our vocabulary, no matter the language. Yonah proves that mourning doves do the same. And, all the while, all we “intelligent”, “highly evolved” beings remain completely clueless. Ah... what a smack in the head, first thing of a morning. BUT... I don't mind. The important thing to me is that Yonah OBVIOUSLY understands my “heart and soul”, KNOWS that I LOVE him so much, and that I'm here to protect and CHERISH him. There really isn't anything else in the world of any importance.
So we got to the “morning routine”, chatting all the while. Waters got changed, house tidied and Yonah was up, out and about his room... futon, shelves... back home again. HE was in great spirits this morning!
Out-side, the clouds covered the morning sky. “Day-light” was coming, but it faced a bit of a struggle against the cover. The forecast is for some sun-shine during the day. My hope was that there would be enough to illuminate Yonah's room properly. HE deserves only the BEST of a day, and sun-shine, natural light, can't be improved upon. And it was still warm in his room this morning, and THAT is, to me, SO important. He slept warm, he woke warm. There are no “elements” for him to fend-off. My purpose... and I accept that, with all my heart!
At about 9.30, I was ready for a lie-down this morning, after a “commonly restless night” last night, so, I brought all my “necessities” into Yonah's room, got settled for the day and went to the futon... and... indeed, oh yes, moments... and he was on my shoulder, then on the pillow beside my head... I gave him a little kiss and he hopped over to my hip... I had a 45-minute “snooze” and when I woke, he wasn't on the futon... BUT... he MUST sense that I'm awake... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” from some-where in the room and the very next moment, there he was, on the pillow, staring into my face! (“Hey! It's about time you got up!”) And... there was some “filtred” sun-light coming in through his window! Our day, together, was “engaged”.... WOOHOO(hoo-hoo-hoo)!”
11.08 I JUST “SNOOZED” FOR AN HOUR! AND EVEN THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY I FEEL! I'M TIRED! LAST NIGHT? JUST IN GENERAL? WHAT A FUCK! AND THE TIGHTNESS IN MY NECK IS BACK! BUT IT'S 0° OUT THERE, JUST A BIT OF SUN-SHINE COMING THROUGH THE CLOUDS AND IT FEELS “WARM”! LET'S SEE IF HOW AND WHEN THE TRUCK RUNS TODAY! (I'm considering taking it “through” town. There's ONE street that “loops”... off to the side. I've never been on it, so it'll be an “adventure”. Imagine that... THAT'S an “adventure” in my life these days. Oh well.) - But I'm with Yonah today so... I don't really care about anything else. I just worry so much about “holding on” for him. He truly IS my breath, hear-beat. Other-wise, I'd still be in bed... or... wouldn't “be” at all by now. He's SO PRECIOUS, CHERISHED... SO INTEGRAL IN MY EXISTENCE! I suppose one could say, rightfully... this is what “Being In Love” really is. - Other-wise... I'm pissing the day away just sitting here typing. But I'll be done with this and back to making his pillow in due course. There's a LOT to catch-up with... if I want to “close the day” in a civil hour. - 19.00 Well! It's been QUITE QUITE QUITE THE DAY! And it's “closing” with that THING next door banging against what-ever over there. I just stepped out, for a little “stroll” in the little bit of snow on the road, to check to see WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON OVER THERE! IT GETS UP AND DECIDES TO MOVE HOUSE AFTER THE SUN SETS... PSYCHOTIC OLD USELESS QUNT! Honestly, it's at times like these that I remember Bob having said: “EVERY BIT OF TROUBLE I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE ALWAYS INVOLVED A WOMAN.” AND THAT ONE, NEXT DOOR, IS THE WORST OF THE BREED... “VERMONT”... “NEW ENGLAND”... CLASSLESS, MINDLESS, WORTHLESS, UNEDUCABLE, SELF-SERVING... except, maybe, on a remote farm, removed from civilisation. AND, what prompted me to step out was that I swear I can smell cigarette smoke coming into Yonah's room! I couldn't see a car in the drive, but then, there's really no telling WHAT that thing is doing over there. One of my greatest fears is that it'll torch this old place... No telling... just no telling. I'm fed-up with it! Truly, just fed-right-the-bloody-fuck-up with it! I need to move along here... the day was a delight and the best way I can journal it here is, as I do, pull from Yonah's Journal page...
“ I sat on his futon, working on the little “pillow” that I've been trying to figure out for the past couple of days, and, as it progressed and is actually coming to where it's looking more like a “dove”, though a bit larger than I'd originally intended, I'M BEING “TOLD” SOMETHING, TAUGHT A BIT OF A LESSON HERE: ALTHOUGH HAVING THE REGULAR PILLOWS ON THE FUTON IS PERFECTLY FINE, IN THEIR BEIGE COVERS, AND, ALTHOUGH THE “DOVE-SHAPED PILLOW”THAT I'M WORKING IS, OF ITS OWN, “OK”... IT'S NOT OK FOR ME TO BE HANDLING THE “DOVE PILLOW” !!! IT'S NOT OK FOR ME TO HOLD IT, OR TO HAVE MUCH OF ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT! YONAH IS SHOWING SIGNS OF “JEALOUSY”, MAYBE EVEN “RESENTMENT” !!! As I worked with the fabric, trying to “fit it” to the batting form, Yonah was FLYING ALL OVER THE ROOM, AND SPENDING A LOT OF THE DAY EITHER ON THE BACK OF THE FUTON, AT MY SHOULDER OR, ON THE WALL SHELF, OVER MY HEAD, BUT HE WAS ALWAYS WHERE HE COULD CLEARLY SEE WHAT I WAS DOING “WITH THE OTHER DOVE” !!! AND WHEN I PUT IT ON ONE OF HIS PERCHES IN HIS HOUSE? THERE WAS POKING, PECKING AND BITING! ODDLY, IF IT WAS ON THE FUTON, HE APPROACHED IT WITH THE “NOD” THAT DOVES AND PIGEONS USE IN “GREETING” (OR THREATENING) ANOTHER DOVE OR PIGEON, HE GAVE A “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo” AND THERE HAVE BEEN A COUPLE OF ATTEMPTS AT “MOUNTING” IT. BUT HE'S MADE IT QUITE OBVIOUSLY CLEAR: IT HAS NO PLACE IN HIS HOUSE !!! AND IT CERTAINLY ISN'T APPRECIATED IN MY HANDS OR ON MY LAP !!! I'll keep working on this little project, to see what it brings when finished. I have to sew the fabric around the “body” and then, add “wings”. I'm not going to “embellish” it at all, because I don't want “loose threads” or any sort of colouring that Yonah could ingest. And, from all the attention he gives to the pillows on the futon, there's no print on the cases so no “art-work” is necessary. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing his reactions when it's done. (And I'm working on how to weight it so that it can tolerate his attacks, and I'm wondering if he'll “accept it” into his house... if so, I'll need to figure a way to affix it to a perch, no doubt. But that's WELL after I see how he reacts to it generally.) This might be a mistake, on my part, but if so... the “pillow” will either go or just become a “conversation piece”. No matter... As with every moment with Yonah... this is just another learning experience for me... and he's still THE GREATEST TEACHER!“
And so, THIS is what I'll try to focus on.... before closing the day officially. (Looks like I'm going to have to look into a larger “air purifier” for Yonah's room. Dan has one... says the most expensive part is the filtres... Oh well... one of these days, SOON, I HOPE, we won't have to think of such things... I DREAD SUMMER... with that shit-spore out there blowing that cheap “Reservation” smoke into these windows. Oh well... “Fate” has been kind to me in my life-time... SLOW... but kind. “It's out there”... said Deb... “It's out there...” - I wonder, now that I'm caught-up with the Journalling, will I be able to get to bed at a civil hour tonight... and if so... WILL I BE BLESSED WITH SLEEP! It really is a horror, at the end of the day, looking forward to getting a night's sleep, the hope of waking the next morning, rested... and yet, DREADING, IN TERROR, THE POTENTIAL CONTRACTIONS, THE PAINS, AND THINKING THAT ONE NIGHT, SOMETHING WILL BE SO WRONG THAT I'LL HE HAULED OUT OF HERE ON A STRETCHER! NO! LEAVE YONAH ALONE? NO! NOT HAPPENING. I'm pretty sure Deborah would come by to check on him, but I doubt ANYBODY will make sure his windows are open to the day-light on time... and closed properly, before the night's chill comes in. AND... there's the heating! Leaving this house alone over-night, with the radiator on... and the oil situation for the furnace. I don't ... I can't... I WON'T! Hell... I've made it through worse than simple contractions... it'll be fine. PAINFUL... but fine. No matter HOW... I'll be here for Yonah. - Nice thoughts at a day's end. - Meanwhile, Yonah is on his door perch... “Sound of Silence” is playing on the iPod... softly... the desk lamp illuminates the room... and the clock moves toward 19.30... - Tomorrow? Monday... and the shit rolls again... - (I just wish I knew why I keep smelling cigarette. I wonder: Is it just me? It's cold out there. Snow on the road. It's dark already. That shit-spore can't be over there... but I wouldn't put it past that old sack to light-up... After all... she DOES believe herself to be “entitled”... And I wonder if Alden actually DID tell her “You tell your family to park where-ever they want.” I wonder if ANYTHING she's ever utter has ANY truth to it at all... I DEEPLY DOUBT IT!) - 20.32 Got lost looking for places... but I'm seriously (now) considering Herkimer and Newport (NY). Nice little towns, nice houses, reasonable rents (when I can afford them and if I had the money right now, I'd be off to both in the morning). Anyway... the arse-thing is cooking... at this fucking hour. Honestly... she's mentally ill... ought to be in a home. But... so long as she keeps quiet... I expect Mass-hole to be rolling into town when weather permits though... because of the PO. I just hope it stays the bloody fuck away from me! I don't want to hear or see it any more. - So... took pills late... time to post to servers and have done with it... and try not to EAT too much). Here's to dreading the night. - And it's chilly in here again... thermostat set at 65F but, tomorrow morning, 6.00? -21/-25 again. Oh jolly FUCK! Hopefully the truck starts and rolls... tomorrow I'll roll through town. - 22.33 later, again, but-well... it ain't mid-night yet. Still... I DREAD...
Mon.24.Jan: (I'm trying to catch-up on Tue.25.Jan: 6.56 fro notes jotted last night at 20.45) First of all, I DID MANAGE TO SLEEP-THROUGH LAST NIGHT! The horrible bit is that, after a sleep-through, it's all the more difficult to get up and out of bed in the morning. I'm a lot “heavier” and the bed is a lot more comfy. I actually wonder if I actually “sleep” at all... and if so, for how much of the night? This can't be “right”, really. And I remember Oma saying that Opa used to sleep SO heavily of a night, and wake claiming he didn't at all. Can't recall what it was, but the “medics” did find some cause for it... “organic”, if I'm not mistaken. Spiffy! Another delightful “inheritance”. Genetics are fun. (Ah, but when I think: at least I had the opportunity to learn mine... the “sibs” are relatively - no pun intended - clueless....) - I need to move along though because whining about it changes nothing. - It's been a “constant” day of non-stop doing SOMETHING... sunny in part, mostly this morning, not enough to actually take note of because it was so brief, but it was “there” and then it wasn't. And I was busy, non-stop, no kidding, working with and on Yonah's site! - The day began with me being up with the 6.00 alarm, rolling right along with my own little “morning routine”. It's the panic in the morning, of getting breakfast served on the back gallery before ANY of the Little Ones arrive! And I was contemplating putting a bit of washing into the kitchen basin when... 7.37 this morning... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!” THE reason for my getting up and getting out of bed and taking breath at all... my Heart-and-soul was up and ready to hit the day so.... WE were on the roll! And Yonah was quite the chatter this morning, again. It just gives me so much inspiration when he appears to be in good spirits. So, I was off and running, getting HIS little world here, together, and as “comfy” for him as I humanly possibly can... inferior though I am... and then... came my determination to get his photos on, then back the rest to the periph-drives... That ran from morning to after-noon! Seriously! I was working along when I looked up at the clock and it was 11.15! (I often wonder what I'd do if I were to go back to a “job” today... May-haps that's why I don't have one? Because “time” has become such an abstract to me... in my “aging”. It DOES go by SO BLOODY-FUCKING QUICKLY in a day!) - And so, I took a brief break for a smoke and to check the daily post. (OH... since, of course, the money Walmarde SNATCHED on Friday-past, is still out of my account... not, mind, that I expected it to be released promptly... What I'd like to know is WHO has the shit... I mean, in a world of “interest on money”... *I*, most certainly, am not getting any... I wonder if Walmarde is... no matter... this system is so fucked-up... I CAN be made better... it's just not in some shit-sack's interest to make it so... so...) In the post: a “Health Risk Assessment” from Blue Cross! Am I ambulatory? Am I psychotic? Am I seeing a psychiatrist? Am I being beaten at home? Who is completing this questionnaire for me? Do I have pain? How often? How bad, 1-10? I simply ticked “NO” for all except the “pain” and gave that a “daily” and number “5”. They claim a “Nurse” will call to review so I'll mention my back and see if anything is done about it or will it too be... “stress”... or even blamed on “covid” or some such bull-shit-fuckerie. Anyway... it's done, complete and will go back to them tomorrow. THEY “recommend/suggest” a SHIT-LOAD of all sorts of “tests” that I ought to have... diabetes, colon, &c. If they mention, I'll ask if they're covered. If not... FUKKIT! - *** THE TRUCK STARTED TODAY! It sounds a bit “odd” but then, the poor thing keeps getting frozen at night. BUT IT STARTED... AT ABOUT 13.45, AND WE ROLLED ROUND THE HOUSE AND BACK TO PARKING! I AM THRILLED! (Hey! I KNOW what it'll be like if I don't have that truck and I don't want to “experience” that shit! NOT again! Thanks. Fuck. But the gas is hitting the “half”! It's going to cost a fortune to fill it back up at this juncture and THAT FUCKING SCRAPES MY BOWELS! But... there's worse in the world... and that's probably just waiting to smack me too. Meanwhile... - Mrs. VT Shit-for-all was “on the move” today... shit-spore was at the house and most of the morning was a “rumble” over there. Honestly... what kind of fuckery? They truly ARE of the same cloth as the bare-foot dolt parasites that come into The City, don't know what a fridge is so they hang clothes and place shoes in it. can't understand indoor plumbing... and what-ever and above all, have NO idea what living amongst others of the same species is. There was a bit of a reprieve during the mid-day, but... at 19.19 SHE WAS BANGING ON THE FUCKING SOMETHING IN THE LIVING-ROOM OVER THERE... AGAIN!!! AT THIS FUCKING HOUR! AGAIN! BAD ENOUGH THE SHIT-SPORE WAS HERE THIS MORNING, TOSSING SHIT AROUND. FINALLY IT GOT QUIET IN THE AFTER-NOON... BUT NOW? AT THIS HOUR! AFTER SUN-SET? SHE'S A FUCKING LUNATIC! (And I wonder why I'm so fatigued! BOLLOX!)
***** AH ***** BUT ***** WHAT REALLY “OCCUPIED” THE DAY WAS... AN ESSAY I HAPPENED UPON WHEN I WENT SEARCHING FOR PATTERNS AND/OR SOME SORT OF LITTLE “MOURNING DOVE FIGURES” (I was looking at “clip-on mourning doves, thinking along the lines of “yard decorations” for a garden... and was PISSED-OFF BECAUSE THEY ARE SOLD... AS FUCKING “DECOYS”, COMPLETE WITH MENTION OF “FILLING YOUR SACK” WITH THEM... WHICH MADE ME PHYSICALLY SICK FROM HAIR TO TOE NAILS!) FOR YONAH... !!!!! *****
A PHOTO OF TWO MOURNING DOVES ON THE PAVEMENT. ONE HAD BEEN KILLED AND THE OTHER STOOD, HEAD LOWERED, EYES CLOSED, BESIDE IT... AN ESSAY, WRITTEN BY A “LEARNÉD” FELLOW, SOME-ONE WITH QUITE THE DOSSIER, PROVING THE ORGANICS OF “SENTIENCE” !!! RIGHT DOWN TO THE “CHEMICAL” ASPECTS, COMPARING IT TO HUMANS! I WAS “TAKEN-AWAY” BY IT! So I decided to incorporate it into Yonah's site, and then wanted to get permission to do so before actually setting it “live”. (Note: It's on the site and I'm lookinhg for “contact” info for the author... I'm pursuing this, the correct way!) And THEN... there was a reference to the photo, which is a “still” from a video made by ANOTHER gentleman... and so, finding THAT, well... it ALL became a pre-occupation, an out-right OBSESSION! - The author posted the essay on “”LinkedIn” but I took a “PDF” of it and posted a bit of a message to Twatters to see if I can't locate him to ask permission to use. A “follower” re-posted (as I'd asked... but I know these dim-wits, generally... they're ALL alike, across the spectrum... dolts who don't re-post... but they'll send money to the most ridiculous requests... anyway...) she's (I'll assume it's a “she”) quite the “beagle-lover”, as is her handle, and she came back with a screen-cap of the author's “LinkedIn” page. So... I created a “Woodhaler” account, hoping to be able t get “contact info” but, LinkedIn being the shit it is... they want me to PAY for the privilege so... that killed that. BUT, when I told my “beagle loving friend”, SHE offered to intercede because she has an account! SO... We wait to see what comes of that. The author is in S.Africa, so there's going to be time delays. But I'm determined! For now, the article is the 2nd page on Yonah's site with credit, “disclaimer” and links to the essay and to the video.
Ah... the “video”... I DID find THAT as well! It's a mere 23 seconds or so... ***** BUT THE MOST FRIGHTENING HAPPENSTANCE... AS I WATCHED IT, MOVING AND PAINFUL AS IT IS TO SEE, YONAH CAME *FLYING* OVER TO MY SHOULDER AND GAVE A “WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!” I'LL SWEAR ON MY LIFE THAT HE ACTUALLY RECOGNISED WHAT IT WAS... ONE DOVE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE LIFELESSNESS OF HIS/HER MATE! *SENTIENCE*... OF THE DOVE IN THE VIDEO AND YONAH! IT FRIGHTENED ME TO NO DESCRIPTIVES! SO I STOPPED THE VIDEO AND TRIED ASSURING YONAH THAT ALL IS OK... HE'S OK. AND THAT IT WAS A VIDEO... OK I KNOW that he doesn't comprehend what I was saying, but MY HEART WAS IN SHREDS, ALMOST GROUND TO DUST WITH THE PAIN! ***** IT JUST REINFORCES MY DETERMINATION TO KEEP YONAH'S SITE UP AND RUNNING AND TO PURSUE THE LEGAL AND CIVIL PERMISSION TO USE THE ESSAY AND WHEN THAT'S DONE, I'LL FIND THE VIDEOGRAPHER AND ASK PERMISSION TO LINK-TO OR EVEN INCLUDE *HIS* WORK ON THE SITE AS WELL! SERIOUSLY HERE... ONE GOOD POINT OF THE MATTER IS THAT I'M DISCOVERING OTHERS WHO ARE OF THE SAME MIND-SET, WHERE MOURNING DOVES ARE CONCERNED. AND ALL THE WHILE, I KEEP THINKING OF THE “STATS” AND THE DOCUMENTATION ON “HUNTING” MOURNING DOVES... AND THAT SHIT-SACK RELATIVE OF THE HAG WHO RESIDED NEXT DOOR TELLING ME, WHEN I MENTIONED YONAH AND HIS TRAUMA, REPLIED “COOK IT. THEY'RE GOOD EATING. AND THEY'RE SO EASY TO GET A LOT OF SINCE THEY'RE GROUND FEEDERS. ONE SHOT WITH A GOOD SPRAY AND YOU GET A DECENT MEAL.” YEAH? HOW ABOUT “FUCK YOU... RETARD!” Anyway... that literally kept me at the work table and involved right up to meal time!
And so... as I'm noting (as I was noting yesterday, at this point)... Nothing has been done on either Journal... this nor Yonah's for the entire day... I'll have to get to them BOTH tomorrow... if I'm granted another one of those. - Meanwhile... this shit-box is COLD-DAMP tonight and I'm “generally in a good mood” but not about this place! I SO WANT OUT OF HERE! AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY REGION POSSIBLE IS GOING TO BE WEST... HERKIMER TO THE LAKES! NO MORE MOUNTAINS! FUCK THIS SHIT! REALLY! I'M TIRED OF BEING INCONVENIENCED... TIRED OF BEING TOLD TO BE KIND AND PATIENT AND ALL THE REST. Well, some things have changed (like my involvement in this property and the “hamlet”) and much more will be changing as time moves along! - And to that point, tonight, when I closed Yonah's windows against the chill and that fucking light, it was good that I tarried because I noticed that I hadn't closed the one blind properly! THAT BLOODY STREET LIGHT CAME POURING INTO HIS ROOM! INTRUSIVE AS ALL HELL! ANOTHER FUCKING LIAR, MERRIHEW! WELL... SOON ... WHAT I TRULY DREAD IS BEING HERE COME THE WARMER WEATHER! WITH THAT SHIT-SACK AND ITS SHIT-SPORE NEXT DOOR... AND THE CIGARETTE SMOKE COMING IN THROUGH YONAH'S WINDOW... NEVER MIND JUST HAVING THE WINDOW OPEN... I HAVE A FAN FOR HIM, TO CIRCULATE THE AIR... I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO KEEP THAT SHIT OUT OF THIS PLACE! IF I COULD... I'D SUE... BUT MAYBE WHEN I LEAVE... I'LL GO FOR MOVING EXPENSE... “ABSENTEE LANDLORD”, NEGLIGENCE, BREECH OF CONTRACT, FAILURE TO PROVIDE HABITABILITY... WE SHALL SEE... THERE'S TIME TO STIR UP A LOT OF SHIT IN THE MEAN-TIME... AND I'M AT THE POT WITH SPOON IN HAND... AS IT WERE. - Anyway... I don't want to be going to bed at 23.00 so... moving along... - As I say... I'm exhausted tonight (nothing “new”). Time for a little nosh (NOT A LOT), a little mindless “Brits” and
until tomorrow... - 22.32 later than wanted, but at least not YET... 23.00 (as if). It's chilly in this shit-box... damp too... But Yonah's room is nice and cozy... and that's all that's important and all that matters at all.
Tue.25.Jan: 6.51 IT WAS HELL GETTING OUT OF BED THIS MORNING! And I DID sleep through, save ONE quick trip to the loo. But I was still awake at mid-night so that MIGHT have something to do with the fatigue. Still... it's the FATIGUE! I'm MORE exhausted after sleeping than I might be had I not slept at all! Can't figure it. Well, maybe come April, when it's back to check the lung-lump, we'll (they'll?) be able to run something through to see what the actual fuck is going on... other than my aggravation about this shit-box. - Meanwhile... I'm dressed, and at 6.26 ploughs were passing AGAIN! The road appears to be clear, and there was some now during the night but... Oh well... It's fun to waste money when you know there's more to come... involuntarily. - I have a LOT of catching-up to do this morning and this whining isn't helping so... I'm off to get back to yesterday until....
7.38 mourning call! woo hoo hoo hoo hoo! GOOD MORNING TUESDAY!
8.41 My money's STILL NOT BACK! FUCK THESE PEOPLE! REALLY! - And the ramp at the PO isn't shovelled, though the “lot” is ploughed. Gee, Mr. “Mayor”... “I do it...” Yeah? Well... I'm not stepping on any toes, disturbing an established protocol. Lord knows, I've already WAY over-stepped my boundaries already... the front of the house evidence to that error. Won't be repeated. - I'm tired... and all I've done is “morning routine” and tried to have a dump. Oh well... Carry on. - Robin's just arrived... poor woman. - 9.15 25 minute snooze... and Yonah's room is 22,8°, there's the lightest bits of snow falling... BUT THE SUN IS FINALLY MAKING A SHOWING... and the chair I'm sitting on is COLD! Furnace is kicking (set at 62F). Time to get back to “catch-up”! - 9.44 Almost caught-up... now... to Yonah's Journal for yesterday... And the sun is still trying to make an appearance and the “flocons” continue to fall. But Yonah and I are together in his room, the door is closed to keep us warm... and he's on his pillows on his futon... from whence I only recently removed myself. Robin is busy next door. No disturbances from the shit-sack... yet... of course not... it's probably laying on its arse until... sun-set... fucking idiot. - 16.45 I AM RUNNING SO LATE.... BUT THE TRUCK STARTED RIGHT UP SO... BUT... AVERY DELIVERED TODAY... THE PROPANE BILL... TODAY...
21,8 gallons last month
27,6 gallons this month!
UP: 5,8 GALLONS.......
*** BUT ***
3,39$/gallon last month
3,84$/gallon this month!
UP: 45¢/GALLON........
NEEDLESS TO SAY... A CALL TO THE MASS-HOLE!!! I WANTED TO KNOW IF THE PO IS RUNNING THE HOT WATER BECAUSE OF THE FROZEN PLUMBING. CLAIMS THE MASS-HOLE, ROBIN DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT THEY HAD HOT WATER, SO SHE SAYS SHE NEVER USED IT! THEN HE CLAIMED THAT HE DOESN'T WANT ANYBODY LEAVING THE WATER RUNNING, ON A DRIP, BECAUSE IT FREEZES IN THE EXHAUST LINE! DO I BELIEVE ANY OF THIS? FUCK TO THE FUCK NO! But we chatted, and he re-affirmed that I'm one of the BEST tenants he's ever had in his 30-almost-40-years of being a “land-lahd”. Yeah... FTS too. But there was no mention of me leaving... though he DOES consider that VT Shit-sack next door to be wonderful. Yeah? Wait until Summer when I'm bitching about the cigarette smoke pouring in through the windows. ANYWAY... I'd budgeted 96$ for this delivery... and if paid with-in the 10 days, the bill is 100,46$. A mere 4,46 OVER BUDGET, so, my other-wise sick-to-my gut is relieved. NOW I have to figure out how to stretch the oil for the furnace... and THAT'S going to present QUITE the problem. (20.43 JUST LOOKING AT THE HEAP EMERGENCY INFO... THE SEASON OPENED 3 JANUARY AND IT COVERS ABOUT 900$ IF I GOT BELOW A QUARTER OF A TANK! AND IT'S THROUGH DSS! THERE'S HOPE ON THE HORIZON. Won't do for the propane because that's for water, BUT IT'S A BIT OF A RELIEF! I CAN SLEEP TONIGHT!) And Mass-hole was telling me that he has 5 bed-rooms in his house and that, for Winter, he “lives in one room”. (As if he believes I'm THAT stupid.) He also tried to convince me that when heating oil was up over 4$/gallon, some of his tenants were paying double their rent each month, just to heat. I'd like to know who, and how and ... no I wouldn't. He also gave me the story about being so “kind” as to rent to people who screwed him over. He's got quite a record of renting to shit. BUT, he says, he's only had 5 evictions in his entire time of being a land-lard. What-ever. But the “chat” went on and on and on and... well... He actually thanked me for calling, mentioned that I haven't called in quite a while. And he mentioned me cooking with reference to heating... HE DOESN'T REMEMBER BEING HERE! Well... never mind all that. The gas bill will be paid... and I'll figure out the rest. And with tonight's new info... I can sleep... if I can.
20.50 More notes (and getting the “particulars” at 11.33 on Thursday 27 Jan... JEEZUS!) OK... let's get to it here... - Blue Cross tried calling on the Skype number again today AND THE SHIT DIDN'T RING AGAIN! I SWEAR, WERE IT NOT FOR THE “564”... I'D FUCKING TELL SKYPE TO SHOVE THEIR FUCKERIES RIGHT STRAIGHT UP THEIR COLLECTIVE COLON! I'M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH WITH THEIR SHIT... ONE OF THESE DAYS... JUST ONE OF THESE DAYS. AND LOOKING FOR ANSWERS ON-LINE? THE LIST OF COMPLAINTS IS ASTOUNDING... THE RESPONSES AND REPLIES? WELL... IT SERVES TO AMAZE JUST HOW RETARDS ACTUALLY CAN LEARN TO TYPE AND USE TECHNOLOGY. FUCKING BULL-SHIT FROM START TO FINISH! HOW I DO SO WANT TO THROAT-PUNCH SOMEBODY... which is why I'm where I am... with nobody around to mutilate. - Missy posted a couple of “DMs” on the Twatboard... One of them linked to a news article about one of her little dogs (of whom, she posted photos). She and her husband rescued a dachshund and a “terrier” I believe it is, and a beagle! One of the Little Ones had been beaten, blinded, was discovered bleeding! The shit-sack who beat him got off with a mere 600$ fine and 2 years probation! All the more reason to fucking out-right HATE humanity as a whole! So the day began with tears. I've grown so hyper-sensitive to “animal issues” of late... It's Yonah.... and too, I have to admit, Mimou, Hallie, Dixie... and the entire lineage. But I grow MORE intolerant of the “superiority of humans” bull-shit. It's good that it comes at my age... any earlier and this rage would have been given an outlet, and I'd more-than-likely be in prison. (Or, at the rate society is going these days... simply reprimanded, verbally, and sent out to take down a few more.) Fuck this world... really. - Went out at about 13.45 to try running the truck and... STARTED AND RAN! RELIEF! The poor thing actually SOUNDS “cold”. And I'm just hoping in tolerates all this freezing! Tonight's “threat”: -20 with -26 chill... pretty comfy, compare to tomorrow... TOMORROW... -24! I'm getting sick of seeing the “minuses” too... it's just fucking annoying at this juncture... even preceding a single digit! ENOUGH! But I suppose it's good for “Nature”... kill off some of these “alleged viruses”... and shit. - But, all said, at least I managed to budget the coverage for the gas and oil come the next insult (Soc.Sec.). That too, pisses me off of late... Soc.Sec. “graciously” rises the payment by 5,9% and the bloody-fucking actual cost of living rises 7%. I swear there's a conspiracy to kill us all off... the government can then dip into the money the rest of us (who worked for it) wont' get because... we'll be DEAD! I'll swear to that with my last heart-beat. - And I'm HOPING that the Walmarde money gets back to me by tomorrow! I WANT TO GET A LITTLE SHOPPING IN FOR YONAH... along with smokes and gas... but really... as long as Yonah has shelter, food, warmth... and me... I don't really give a shit about the rest. I have “priorities” and “the world” isn't included in the list. Shit-eating shit-fuckers. - 22.16 OK... let's see what this night holds for us... Sleep? Pain? Fuckerie? We'll know in the morning... until then... TODAY is CLOSED!
Wed.26.Jan:LAND-LINE IS BACK... damnit. - (I'm doing “catch-up” again... at 12.37 on Thursday so there's going to be some “jumping about” time-wise... I'd jotted notes during the day, with time-posts so I'll just throw them into order here... I'm tired today...) ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** At 7.06 this morning, checking Yonah's e-mail, as is done daily, tears welled and fell freely. A MESSAGE FROM ETIENNE van BLERK! GIVING PERMISSION TO INCLUDE THAT MAGNIFICENT WORK THAT APPEARS AS THE SECOND PAGE OF THIS SITE! AN HONOUR, A HEART-TOUCHING PRIVILEGE TO BE ALLOWED TO PRESENT, IN ANOTHER VENUE, AN ESSAY SUPPORTING THE SENTIENCE OF MOURNING DOVES! IT'S BEEN OBVIOUS, TO ME (Yonah's secretary here) THAT YONAH IS AS SENTIENT, “KNOWING”, “FEELING” AS ANY PERSON, IF NOT EVEN SO MUCH MORE-SO THAN CAN BE DESCRIBED, BUT TO HAVE “SCIENTIFIC” EVIDENCE PRESENTED... WELL! THERE WE HAVE IT! AND I DON'T MIND ADMITTING THAT I TREMBLED WITH HUMILITY AND GRATITUDE FOR THIS PRIVILEGE! Must to get to a brief reply. I DO tend toward “verbosity”... I don't want to become “burdensome”. But I'm just SO EXCITED! PERMISSION! WOW! ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
And Deborah came by this morning too! She brought a bag of “Valentine” candy... and an article from the Times, July 2021, “Calls of the Wild”... MUST get to read it... but I gave her the news about the e-mail from Etienne and we got to talking... TOO FUNNY... SHE WORKED AT MANNY-HANNY and left just before the Chemical acquisition! She left Manny-Hanny... I rolled into Chemical. She worked at 55 Water and left just before I got there. We were “hit and miss” in The City! As we talked, mostly about the Little Ones, we had a good cry, but we did get in a couple of laughs, talking about our “City days”. I honestly don't know how or why she keeps any connections with that place. What surprises me, admittedly, is that I have NO sense of “loss” over it, no sense of ever returning... except “DREAD”. I mean, it WOULD be easier to go back... and there are the moments when I think... were it not for Yonah, I'd've probably considered going back... maybe to the Shelter... THAT would be a certain DEATH. But I DO appreciate that she comes by and wonder why... She MUST know others locally. Anyway, she's as impressed by the situation with Etienne as I am. And we have the “birds” in common too. She too, never thought she'd become “bird people”, though, as she pointed out, even in her child-hood, she had a fascination for them. So... looks like this was “pre-destined” some-how. I have to admit, I think of how my “life” has changed so much since coming to this shit-box... and how “things”, no matter how miserable, have seemed to “work out” some-how. I wonder: “who is in this house”? Upstairs? Lurking and lingering. That “guardian angel” sister spoke of, so many years ago. Well, who-ever it is... I'm grateful. - 12.51 LAND-LINE BACK... THE NEW NUMBER IS... “1010” IMAGINE THAT. When the charming little “hard-sell” gal at the other end of the line (I had to call on the Skype number... what shit!) gave it, I had to laugh. “1010 WINS. You give us 22 minutes and we'll give you the world”. How “CITY”... and nobody locally or else-where understands... Well... Deborah and Julio will. AND “LIFE-LINE”! I gave it another try, but followed-through with all the links and the bouncing about the internet... answering questions, filling-in. Eventually it threw me into the Spectrum site where it sent the “approval” to them and moments later, I got the e-mail from Spectrum saying they approved! So, I got on and... as it turns out, ADDED THE PHONE AND CUT THE BILL 10$! The hussy tried to add all sorts of bull-shit and told me I'd be charged “one time” for new equipment. It took a while, but I told her that I'd had the phone originally (when I think, that was almost 3 years ago!) and it worked perfectly well. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just “assign a line”. I didn't want all sorts of “equipment” again, just more shit to take more space that I don't have. It took her a while to comprehend, but eventually, she came round, did some “checking at her end” and agreed... no new equpiment. (Addendum... dreadful mistake... little Ms. Gal told me, at about 13.30 or so, that the number would be working in 30 minutes... I note now, at 19.13... NOTHING! No dial tone. Just some sort of “noise” BUT... SPECTRUM WAS QUICK TO SEND ME A STATEMENT/BILL... AND THAT READS 104$!!! THERE'S NO MENTION OF THE “LIFE LINE” CREDIT OF 30$!!! BLOODY FUKTARDZ, THAT LOT! Although I DO recall reading something, at some point, that said the credit wouldn't appear for 30 days so... we shall see what happens when the “official” bill arrives. If they think I'll be forking over money for just about nothing... Bad enough I'm paying an “Activation Fee”... for some computer to “write a file”, and, I suppose, for the privilege of chatting with some strange little, pre-programmed dolt. Well? I kind of already knew what to expect from them... I suppose I ought to just celebrate that I have the stamina and where-with-all to dodge the “extras”... I mean... she wanted to “sell” me “television” and when that didn't float, a “Streaming Service”, and then some other bull-shit. Well... it is her job... Brava, darling. You gave it a REALLY GOOD TRY. Sorry, but I'm not THAT feeble of mind... yet. So we wait and see what aggravation and fuckery is to follow. This “reduction” can't possibly float... Meanwhile... WOW, am I racking-up the “programs”... Life Line, HEAP, Food... I'm becoming officially “an old pensioner”... “on the dole”. FUKKEM! FUKKEM ALL! When I think of the YEARS of income tax that I should have gotten refunds on... As I told Jackie: I'm taking my taxes back before I die! - In other news... at 14.23 I was back in from starting and running the truck. THAT POOR THING! These freezing nights are taking quite a toll on the old engine. But once it warms to “operating temperature”, it DOES run quietly. It's just a matter of making sure to warm it sufficiently before heading out on a roll. (But IT'S COSTING GAS! I'M ALMOST AT HALF-TANKED, as it were. THIS IS GOING TO COST A FORTUNE TO FILL AGAIN! BUT... IT'S RUNNING... WHICH IS MORE THAN I HAD LAST WINTER! I'M ABSOLUTELY GRATEFUL FOR THAT! - 20.45 Today's entries are sporadic notes... it's been a constantly busy day. - The phone STILL isn't working... I've unplugged and re-plugged the router and such twice and nothing. How charming... Typical, I'd say. And trying to get help from Spectrum is as expected... Bull-shit. Well? It was too easy. Futktardz. - Now, I've just taken night pills, I'm tired. It's bitter cold out there. -25 for the low tonight. I'm wondering if the truck will make a trip into town tomorrow. And I'm feeling “wooozy” for some reason. Tired. It's been an “exciting” sort of day and this old body doesn't like “exciting”. Well... giving the pills a little time to “settle” and then off to bed. There's nothing I can do about anything tonight... - 23.11 Fed-up already... the phone's not working because it was never activated. “Customer Service Chat” gave me another number to call! Made a comment on Twitter... “Oh gee sorry... &c.” Fuktardz. The number is assigned but... here comes the “You need new equipment”. bull-shit. Another 20$! Well, if I don't bother with the shit-sacks, it's still 30$ off the internet... Or they'll find a way to screw that too... BUT... I can always go to the Fed now... with the “LifeLine” and report them. Looking forward to that, to be honest. - Still haven't done Yonah's Journal. Haven't done this one. I'm tired but not “enough”... it's going to be a tough morning... and a BITTER one again! I hope the truck will run to town and back... with NO TROUBLES! - Was going to order either the doves or the fake eggs tonight... but the shipping runs into too much! I've got 60$ and WOW... it goes... I need gas in the truck at 20 at least, the doves run 26... and there's ONE pack of smokes for 8 days. JEEZUS KRISTE! I suppose I'll settle for gas for the truck (so I can always get around, should a need arise...) and smokes. And we'll see about the rest. I'd budgeted 100 OUT of the next cheque so I can just put that back and dedicate it to “Yonah Shopping”. (I'm anxious to get him more food and something like a “decoy”/mate. I don't like not being able to get him something!) - Well... it couldn't be a “perfect” day but... Yonah is here, we're OK. There's still oil (I hope... the furnace is running again and I've set it at 62F!). We got his web-site up-dated with the “new” “PDF” and such. So... As long as Yonah is OK... I've no complaints. Now to find out why the “Voice” numbers aren't ringing any longer. This is strange... NO PHONES? SUDDENLY? WTAF? “Life”... Fukkit! - *** AND THIS ROLLS RIGHT ALONG AND INTO... “TOMORROW”... ***
Thu.27.Jan: 0.13 Tried to get ONE fucking phone to ring... now even YONAH'S number isn't ringing! I have NO phone. BUT THE “GOOGLE VOICE” DOES work on the fucking lap-top... go figure... I'll be a mess in 6 hours! FUCKME! I DID take a moment to post a cryptic “nasty threat” to Spectrum on the Twatboard... and got an almost immediate response... the typical “Oh my, sorry to hear... how can we help?” CAN'T GET PROPER SUPPORT TALKING WITH AN IDIOT... THE “CHAT” IS AS USELESS AS ALL SHIT... I WENT THAT ROUTE AND SOME “ANASTIE” (“a nasty”? proobably) TOLD ME THAT THE PHONE HADN'T BEEN “ACTIVATED” AND GAVE ME ANOTHER NUMBER TO CALL! BUT ONE OF THE MORE “HUMOUROUS” (I LIE) ITEMS WAS WHEN THIS “A NASTY” ASKED ME FOR A NUMBER IT COULD CONTACT ME ON... I'M ASKING FOR PHONE SERVICE, YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS-MORONIC-IDIOT! I GAVE HER THE WOODHAULER NUMBER, 50729... “I'M SORRY, BUT THAT NUMBER DOESN'T APPEAR ON YOUR ACCOUNT.” NO FUCKING SHIT, DOLL! YOU ASKED FOR A “CONTACT” NUMBER TO SEND A CODE TO! THEN IT ASKED FOR MY “CODE/PIN” SO I GAVE THAT... NEXT WAS SOME MULTI ALPHA-NUMERIC NUMBER-THINGIE FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE ROUTER! I HAD TO TAKE A PHOTO OF IT AND WOW! FATIGUE AND OLD AGE, I HAD TO ENLARGE THE PHOTO ON THE PHONE (THAT DOESN'T RING... THE SAMSUNG) AND MADE A MISTAKE TYPING THE NUMBER BECAUSE THE “SPECTRUM CHAT” THING KEPT WIPING-OUT WHAT I'D TYPED, AS I WENT TO READ THE NEXT 5 CHARACTERS IN THE STRING! OH WHAT A FUCK... AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASLEEP... OR WAKING TO A CONTRACTION ALREADY! BUT WHEN IT GAVE ME THE OTHER PHONE NUMBER... I DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO FUCK IT! AT THAT POINT, I WAS LOOKING AT BEING FUCKING-LUCKY IF I MANAGED A 300-MINUTE NAP! AND I DON'T DO WELL WITH-OUT *SOME* CIVIL SLEEP AT NIGHT... SO... I THANKED, SAID I'D PURSUE FURTHER IN THE MORNING AND... CLICK-BYE. - OFF TO BED... AND OH-BUT-FUCK-ME-SILLY, THIS HOUSE IT SO BLOODY-FUCKING COLD! AND I HAVE TO PUT THE FURNACE DOWN TO 62F! JEEZUS! BUT... AT LEAST YONAH'S ROOM IS SO TOASTY THAT I CAN FEEL THE WARMTH COMING THROUGH THE SPACE IN THE DOOR! HE'LL BE COMFY... I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE REST. - 7.14 THAT was NOT a “sleep”! BUT, JUST BEFORE HEADING TO BED, I LIFTED THE RECEIVER ON THE PHONE AND... *** DIAL TONE *** !!!!! WELLFUCK, “1010” IT IS THEN. SHIT-SACK-FUCKTARDZ! BUT I GOT INTO BED ONLY TO BE “AWAKE”... AND... AT 1.00 I WAS STILL “AWAKE” AND AGAIN AT 3.00! AND THE BED-ROOM WAS *** FREEZING *** !!! But I did have the furnace set at only 62F. Still... FUCKING FREEZING !!! AND TURNED THE 6.00 ALARM OFF... ALMOST DIDN'T GET OUT OF BED WITH THE 6.30, BUT REMEMBERED THE LITTLE ONES OUT BACK AND TE BITTER COLD LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING SO... GOT UP, SERVED BREAKFAST, AND THEN.... *** FORWARDED *** CALLS FROM YONAH'S NUMBER AND SKYPE TO THE LAND-LINE THIS MORNING AS COFFEE WAS BEING PREPARED. - STOOD IN THE DOOR TO HAVE A “HALFIE”... MÉTÉO CLAIMS IT'S ONLY -25 chill -29 OUT THERE BUT THIS SHIT-BOX HAS TAKEN SUCH A CHILL THAT, IT'S ALL BUT IMPOSSIBLE! Of course, I'm exhausted too, thanks to the Spectrum fuckerie. And my stomach is “off” this morning... but that's aggravation, I'm rather sure. - AND, trying to “fix” the mobiles last night/this morning, as I opened the Samsung, I “sliced” my index finger, under the nail so typing, this morning, is difficult, along with the fatigue. - Then there's the matter of the truck... FROZEN, no doubt, this morning. Oh, but it's going to be a day... - Well... Yonah and I will be “snoozing”, to be sure. - And with Spectrum, the shit-calls that will be coming in! Along with the “Yonah” and “Skype” calls. Were it not for the “564” I'd dump the Skype. BUT... I'm waiting to see how Spectrum is going to fuck me over. I was quoted 62$ and change... the “bill” they sent is 104$... the 30$ is on it though. And it SHOULD be only in the 60$ range so... we shall see. - Poor Yonah... we're in for a day of... me... wandering about in a “mud-mind”. - Oh... AND THERE'S ANOTHER BLOODY DRAFT IN HERE, IN THE KITCHEN, AND I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHERE! DELIGHTFUL! - 11.23 I was in the middle of reading an e-mail from Etienne this morning at 7.29 when “THE CALL” came! And, my Little Guy was up and awake and ready to ROLL! So... I was glad for that blessing. A morning when I hear “the call” is a morning worth waking to and getting out of bed for. WOO-HOO (hoo-hoo-hoo)!!! And OH, Yonah was certainly well-rested... I'd no sooner gone to fetch this morning's waters when he was up, IN FLIGHT and on the shelves! Well, ONE of us was rested... Me? Not so much. The lack of proper rest is taking it's toll this morning. - I grabbed an hour of snooze, and, to be honest, I feel almost worse for the rest. I DID manage to actually “sleep” for about 45 minutes of that hour though. My body is in a bit of pain though... and today, it's fatigue. - AND JOLLY JOLLY... THERE'S GOING TO BE HAVOC IN A LITTLE WHILE... SOMEBODY'S COMING TO PUT IN A NEW HEATER IN THE PEE-OH. ROBIN JUST SAID IT WAS 42F IN THERE THIS MORNING! HONESTLY! (I'm just almost expecting somebody to come in and put in some duct-work connected to “my” furnace so that I get to heat that PO as well... I DO hope they're not THAT fucking stupid because I'll be off to a local attorney... or something of the sort... a MAJOR reduction in rent... or a MAJOR “stipend” to compensate. OR... coverage of ALL expenses, including rent, security and the sort to get me out of here. Shame, really, that I can't have ANY trust in ANY of them. - Oh well... - Meanwhile, Yonah's in a “contact” mood this morning and I've got quite a bit of catching-up to get to... - And the “high” for the day is supposed to be -8... there was supposed to be sun... it started to come through... it ain't there now... 14.00 is going to be interesting... FUCK! - 12.50 JUST caught-up with THIS journal for the past 2 days... and here it is, going for 13.00 already! And “Hancey-bub” is next door, installing the “new heater”. To be honest, I'm almost SHOCKED that he's not just cutting a hole in the wall between the loo and living-room here, expecting ME to heat over there! OR... heading down to the cellar to install duct-work to pull from this furnace. (It would be WELL worth the piss-off, if they were to do that, to get electric heaters, hook them up in the living-room, kitchen and bed-room as well as Yonah's room and pay the electric... and let the oil just run out.) But... he's still over there... there's still time... and in an hour, I have to go start the truck and am hoping to make a town run *** AND BACK... WITH-OUT ANY “INCIDENTS” *** so they have time to get to some serious FUCKERY! - I'm SO woozy again. I've had my mid-day pills, finished my coffee. The furnace is still at 65F or so and has run a couple of times. The sun still hasn't come through... there's no telling whether or not the truck will even start. If it doesn't well... this isn't going to be “pretty”... I tellya... this world needs to WORSHIP YONAH... were it not for him... I'd be tearing shit apart in this shit-box! - I just wish I could get rid of this “woozy”... and the general malaise du jour! It's all True Fatigue. AND... I have to figure out where to put that damned phone where I can hear it whilst in Yonah's room. NOT, mind, that I really give a shit. (But I don't dare to use “voice-mail”... no doubt the fucking service will simply default to it and I'll never know.) - Oh well... Now... I have to get to Yonah's Journal... I've been sitting here typing away... it's almost like having a “chat” with somebody... No wonder I don't miss being with others... not that I know any “others” I'd want to be with... Just that I resent not having the time to be WITH YONAH... who is on his door perch... over the warmth of his radiator... and there's that “odd wafting of cold” in the place! The windows, walls, floors, cabinets, cup-boards are TAPED! WHAT, in the actual FUCK? Oh... this place. And the Pee-O? I don't see why the Mass-hole doesn't just insulate it properly. But... not my monkeys, not my circus.... I move along... Carry on. - 16.19 MADE IT! MADE IT TO FamDoll... THEN TO STEWARTS WHERE THE FUCKING PUMP WOULDN'T TAKE THE DEBIT CARD SO I SCRAMBLED TO MARKET, GRABBED WHAT-EVER CAME TO MIND (the Perry's selection is SHIT... here we go with shortages... no doubt... these fucking useless politicians trying to freeze or starve or freeze AND starve us to death... fuckers), THEN ROLLED BACK TO STEWARTS WHERE A DIFFERENT PUMP WOULDN'T TAKE THE CARD SO I HAD TO GO IN. BUT... I HAVE TO CHUCKLE... NO MASK (the “mandate” technically in force... more fukeries) IN ALL THE THE STOPS AND IN STEWARTS, I STOOD IN FRONT OF A STATE COP! NOT A BLIP! LOOKS LIKE NEW YORK IS FINALLY WAKING UP! (But I doubt it... the customers and staff were still “covered”... morons.) - I was out of here shortly after 14.00... let the truck warm to where the engine sounded “better”, less “frozen” and not quite up to “operating temp”... on the road! Back in the shit-box at 15.15... NOT “happy” because it all took about an hour and wouldn't have, had the fucking gas not been TWO fucking visits... BUT MADE IT... THERE AND BACK... NO INCIDENTS! Now... tonight, I ate the last of the chicken and didn't get any today... should have, but... perhaps a “chili” sort of thing is next... LOTS of BEANS... black and black-eye... Loard knows I've gottem! - And Yonah? Well... Yonah's been “oddly affectionate” today. VERY wanting to be “close”. I don't know if I like this... I wonder what he's trying to tell me... But, if he “departs”... I'm right behind him. I will NOT go through any more heart-aches of “missing”... ESPECIALLY NOT HIM! - There's snow en route for tonight... “warmer” temperatures to come... though still in the MINUS teens at night. But “teens” are less than 20s and 30s. I'll take it. - Plan for tonight? I've felt ABSO-FUKCING-LUTELY LIKE BLOODY HELL all day... I'm HOPING a nice shower before and early(ish) to bed will make tomorrow better. The kitchen is done already. Waters are changed and the back board is up... What I believe I need to do is, when Yonah is tucked-in for the night, take night pills, grab a nosh, grab a shower (with-out water, I've no doubt... this hell-hole) and into bed! I have to “make” the bed though... even that few hours last night tore it apart.... restlessness. We shall see... we shall. - Right now though, THIS entry is all that needs to be added to the coded page and so, what-ever follows... Yonah's Journal too... So... I'm going to fill in on Yonah's now... before it's time to turn lights and musics off. I'll TRY to be civil tonight... I'd like a civil day tomorrow... it's supposed to be a “floconerie” so... And I have NO place to go to! WOOHOO(hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo). - 20.05 Yonah is tucked-in... Hauser is playing “Song to the Moon” on the lap-top. Yonah's Journal is coded and ready to hit the servers. - I've taken evening pills already... and I'm SO tired! But tonight, I'll take a hot shower before bed... hoping it'll help with some sleep to make-up for last night. - There's snow coming through the night and “flocons” through tomorrow... that's rather nice. (And a comfort is that, should I need, I'm calling for “Emergency Oil” this year... and let that treasonous shit in charge cover the cost. I'd LUV to see MORE people doing it... after all... the only money the government has is the money they steal from the working citizens... and today, seeing that that filth-thing is flying illegal invaders into this state? Well... the more I get, the less “his ilk” will have. So... I'm going for it... I worked damned hard for what little I have today... and then had ALL of it taken from me... in a U-Haul... yes, I DO want restitution and this is how I'll get it... one way or another!) Enough of the bitterness... the day is done. And tomorrow, I want to “bake” the soil I've been using for the plants, to make sure there are no parasites or “fungus flies” in it... and there are two more bags of peanuts to shell and grind for the Little Ones of the yard. (More seed to be gotten come Thursday week!) - But for now... I also need to make the bed and settle me... so ... I'm posting what I have to the severs, grab a bit of a nosh... a little Brits and that's that! 22.00 I'll be IN BED! Or else! - 21.37 No shower... giving it a try to get to bed early tonight anyway... tired... and hoping for sleep! Furnace running, FUCK! It's not “warm” in the shit-box but it doesn't feel THAT cold! - And my right index finger is SO BLOODY SORE! Fucking Spectrum and these fucking old phones! - Well... here's to “hope”... I'm such a moron! “Hope”.
Fri.28.Jan:7.06 Up with the 2nd alarm.... to serve breakfast. - I have reason to believe that there's something in the tinned peaches that play havoc with my body because... LAST NIGHT, I went directly to bed and was OUT almost immediately until abbot 23.00 with CONTRACTION! Put the back brace on, went back to bed, still in pain, fell asleep and was UP AGAIN AT 1.30 with another CONTRACTION.... BUT... on the nights when I DON'T take the peaches before bed, I sleep through. I wonder what's in the peaches... and what to do with the other tins I have in the fridge now... Anyway... here I am, and yes, feeling quite a bit better than I did yesterday... though still the “General Malaise” - 7.39 MORNING CALL! “Yesterday”? THIS just wiped it all out... as well as last night's what-ever. MY HEART-AND-SOUL IS UP... AND AWAKE... AND CALLING! CREATION IS PERFECT AGAIN!
14.44 Spoke with Robin this morning. Of course, I wanted to see the new heater they installed. It took them until 17.00 last night! It's really quite nice. Small, though she says it's slightly longer. But she has it set at “60F” and the office was truly delightfully warm. I told her that I'd been listening for the installation of new duct-work and a cut in the “loo” wall. I figured they'd expect the heat to come from me some-how so this comes as a surprise. When I asked her how she managed to get them to do it she said “I just told them I'm not coming back.” (Gee... isn't that nice? And I'm stuck with the fucking street light... until I leave here. Fucking shit-sacks. Oh well... there's a day... “It's out there.” She asked if I'd seen “thing” next door here recently. Apparently nobody has. So I “assured” here that it's there and I know because “I think she's a 'Sun-downer'. It's perfectly still over there until about 7pm and then she starts moving things about and tapping on the walls.” I just wanted to get “the word” out. (I wonder how much Robin “talks”... I suppose we'll find out... soon-enough.) - That was my “social” for the day. But one thing I'm thinking is that, now that she's keeping the Pee-O warm, that'll help me over here... at least it'll keep that “alcove” in the living-room a bit warmer than it's ever been. Everybody else just let that damned office freeze! So... OK then. - Oh, and while Robin and I were chatting out-side, Deborah stopped by to drop off some “still warm” cookies for Robin... AND SHE APOLOGISED for not having any for me! I worry... I don't want her thinking that she “needs” to bring things here and I don't want her thinking I expect anything. She's “too kind”, for my comfort... I know... I probably shouldn't think such, but, my past, the lessons... And especially here, in this “livin' the dream” hamlet. Fuktardz. I'll just have to keep an eye on it... - Meanwhile... I came back in, put 4 eggs on the boil for Yonah and I... “lunch” today! - Took a bag of “soil” that I may have gotten from out back (it's mostly “piney compost) and put it into the steel bowl and into the oven... 450F for about an hour. Just to make certain there's NOTHING “alive” in it. These “fungus flies” in this house are annoying! No more trusting soil... even from the store. I almost put the potting soil in with it but there's “perlite' in that and I don't know what 450F will to do that... and there's “fertilizer” in too... and heating that? Well... we'll see. I'll give the “natural” stuff another hour one of these days. There some cold coming back... nice time to use the oven. (I'm going to be SLAM-HAMMERED with the electric bill come July! But... FUKKIT! I'll pay in instalments. I've done before... I'll do again.) - This after-noon... crumbled some egg yolks and mixed them in with some seed and some broccoli with for Yonah. I even had left-overs of egg and broccoli! So eggs were lunch for both of us. And I even brought mine in to the work table... Lunch together today! - It had snowed ALL morning so at 14.00, I was out to run the truck. It started wonderfully and warmed in the time it took me to sweep the back, the front, the thing's stoop and a bit on the drive.. IT'S SO “DOWNY”... DRY AND NOT “POWDER” BUT LITERALLY LIKE DOWN FEATHERS!
And so... 30 minutes later... back in the shit-box... with MY BESTIE WHO... at 12.47... WAS IN THE POOL!!! AS THE SNOW FLEW ABOUT! WHAT A CHARACTER! I'd been sitting at the work table, involved with... and all was so peaceful. I turned to see where he was and... THERE, JUST LOUNGING IN THE WATER! JUST LITERALLY LOUNGING! TO COMFY! I GOT A VIDEO TO POST TO HIS “PORTFOLIO” (of course I did) AND IN IT, YOU CAN SEE THE SNOW BLOWING ABOUT OUT-SIDE THE WINDOW... AS YONAH ENJOYS A “SPLASH IN THE POOL”! I'M SO INDESCRIBABLY BLESSED! HE'S SUCH A ... WELL... HE'S MY “EXISTENCE”! - Now? It's 14.51 and I want a snooze... I tried for one earlier but... 20 minutes of “time” is no minutes of snooze... OH OH OH OH OH .... CHECKED THE OIL ... IT'S ONLY *JUST* BARELY DROPPING *ON* THE 3/4 MARK! EVEN AFTER ALL THE COLD WEATHER AND KEEPING IT SET UP AT 65-66F! OH THANKS TO THE GODS! BUT THIS IS STILL ONLY “JANUARY” AND WE REALLY HAVEN'T HAD ALL THAT MUCH “BITTER COLD” YET SO... HERE'S HOPING FEBRUARY AND MARCH DON'T PLAY “MAKE-UP CATCH-UP”! STILL, I WENT TO THE CELLAR A BIT ON THE “HEAVY-HEARTED” SIDE... NOW I'M GLAD I LOOKED. IT'S A RELIEF!
OH too and... TWITTER SUSPENDED MISSY'S ACCOUNT! I'M SO FUCKING PISSED THAT I POSTED MY “FUCKING PISSED” WITH SCREEN-CAPS AND A LITTLE BLURB ABOUT THE NEW “CEO” WHO IS FROM FUCKING INDIA! (I'll be “gone” form that Twatsboard before the day's out... I've no doubt.) But now I've no way to get or keep in touch with MISSY! and I'm QUITE PISSED. SUCH A KIND SOUL AND SHE'S THE ONE WHO TOOK THE TIME TO ENABLE ME TO CONNECT WITH ETIENNE AND GET THAT ARTICLE PUBLISHED ON YONAH'S SITE! THESE ARE THE TIMES WHEN I WISH I COULD JUST FIND CERTAIN PEOPLE... AND... BUT... I'VE ALREADY TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF SUGGESTING, ON GETTR, THAT HE BE DEPORTED. HOW I WISH I COULD ACTUALLY ARRANGE FOR THAT! And with my “FUCKING BULL-SHIT” screen-caps postings, I've told the other Twats on there that they'd better find me on Gettr and if they don't... No particular loss to me! They can all jolly fuck-the-fuck-off! (Thankfully, I can get to Gina via e-mails and phone... the only other one I really care to keep in touch with... other than “Lawson”... and I DO believe I have an e-mail for him as well...) I DID give Missy my e-mail, but it's a matter of whether or not she noted it. We shall see. Meanwhile, I'll be bumped off... “Norländer” will be. If they reverse the suspension and I'm off... I'll let “Gaston” find her and get in touch... Other-wise... I'm fucking sick and tired of this shit. Fucking little curry-holed bastard! that “CEO”. “India born”... should have been shoved up the arse of... well... back into the thing that cursed this world with it. Let me stop... - 18.27 Meal (pasta and veg) done... “Evening routine” done. Hoovered earlier. The snow stopped while I was running the truck but now it's getting COLD again. And I'm TIRED! Sadly, I took a “snooze” for 25 minutes... and when I turned the alarm off... it was an HOUR later! Had just enough time to start Yonah's Journalling and it was 16.00! JEEZUS! Time goes and I don't know where! And now it's FRIDAY! WHERE did the WEEK go? - 19.28 by the clock on the computer, but 19.31 on Yonah's clock. And he's all tucked-in. I'm in from a smoke on the porch where it's “chilly” but not really what one would call “cold”. The main is clear, the Hill too. But the plough has been by twice. What they won't do too “look busy”. Dolts. Now... to get “Journals” done... especially Yonah's. - I've had enough of the Twatshit again. That Indian curry-shit “SUSPENDED” MISSY'S ACCOUNT! OF ALL THE PEOPLE ON THERE... HER! I MEAN... BETWEEN GINA AND MISSY, THE TWO SWEETEST PEOPLE... AND MISSY? WELL, NOBODY COULD EVER EVEN COMPARE TO HER! SO, I POSTED MY “HONEST” FEELINGS... INCLUDING A COUPLE OF PURPOSEFULLY-PLACED “FUCKS” AND... I'm just waiting for the “Official Notice”... I'm expecting, since I've gone for the “CEO” to be “DELETED AND BANNED”. OH WELL... FUKKEM! REALLY! - So tonight, MAYBE I'll get a shower before bed? Not really planning on it, though one is in order and would be nice. It's just not a “pleasure” really, in that depressing little box. And Yonah having taken a bath in the pool... OH, if I could shrink me down. But I'm tired now... nothing new there... so... ice cream... NO PEACHES... and we shall see if there are any “CONTRACTIONS” tonight. I wonder... I just wonder... At least the house is calm tonight... thus far. I honestly believe that thing next door has gone rather mad. (And probably “vaxxed” to the gills... all those toxins rushing round in a brain that's already questionable... considering... “VT” and “French”... and didn't I learn about those.) - Moving along.... - 21.21 I got carried away with soc.med... Not “suspended”... yet. Send “DM” to Gina and “Lawson” to warn them.
Got Yonah's page up to the server. Now... ice cream and hope for a bit of energy for a shower... if not? Oh well... off to bed. - Tomorrow's high -15... tomorrow night's low -24! It's a good thing I checked the oil today... We'll make it... unless there's a horror-bitter freeze for some sustained time in February. - Rent will go out on Sunday night... and this is cutting it SO CLOSE! HOPEFULLY it'll take the full 4 days to get to Mass! NOT mind, that I believe Mass-hole will run with the cheque, but then again... he DID just pay a new heater for that damned PO... But the envelope HAS to be post-marked... or... WAIT... maybe I won't put it out until Monday night and it'll be post-marked the 1st... He DID say that he'd gotten one with that post mark before and it didn't phase... I think I'll try that one. Besides, Thing next door doesn't rush its little cheque... for what... 125? FUCKING SHIT!
(I'll clean notes on this journal tomorrow...) - 22.11 Ice cream pop tarts... could shower but... there's that CHILL (I'm using that excuse) coming from somewhere again! And yes... it IS COLD in here! And I don't know why! Off to teeth and bed then. I just don't have energy or care to shower... and I ought to do something about my face... the neck needs “shaving”, the beard needs trimming... as if anybody's here to see. FUKKIT! - Off to bed!
Sat.29.Jan: 6.39 Imagine waking to a 6.30 alarm and by 6.39 having made coffee, served breakfast on the back gallery, having a halfie on the porch (in the cold), finishing with various and sundry other little tasks (save, getting dressed), and sitting at table, typing this. How? Having a house of clocks, none of which give the same time, and even the self-setting clocks don't match. Well, here we are. And why? Well, primarily because of the need to serve breakfast on the back gallery before the first arrival. - Example: as I type, the “ATT” alarm rang for 7.00. The self-set clock on the bed-room shelf reads “6.53” and the lap-top, self-set reads “6.43”. I set the “ATT” time... the shelf clock is self-setting and too, the lap-top. Welcome to the world. - Last night? ONE “on-set” CONTRACTION that forced me out of bed at about mid-night. Two hours seems to be the “course” of these things... average... 90 minutes between them. Fortunately, that was the only episode. Still, I'd fallen asleep shortly after getting into bed, so I'll figure.... 22.30 to midnight. So, effectively, it was a “nap” of approximately 90 minutes, wake to the CONTRACTION, and then off to a night's sleep (as it were). Instead of a steady 8 hours of sleep... it was a nap followed by about 6 hours of “sleep”. And I wonder why I'm constantly fatigued. It's rather like being in hospital when somebody comes in to wake you for your sleeping meds. Oh well... “Old age”... “Golden Years”... the fuckery of existence. - BUT... in a little while, it'll all make sense and be for the best... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”... and all will be well with the world... (and my anxiety of that not happening digs into my gut and soul). - Anyway... here we are and there's yesterday's entry to complete and then... I've “things” to do to fill this day.. and it's going to be chilly, and my stomach is bothering me so I must be awake... The furnace was set to 66F and just stopped running and there's that “COLD WAFT” on my legs again, already. Yep... I'm “awake”. - -15 with a chill of -23... and -15 is today's “high”. -22 for tonight's low... well then.... - Oh... and Nordländer is still “on air”... I wonder... I ponder... I... “LOL”... not really. - 7.49 AND... MORNING CALL !!! And a CHATTY morning, this! WOW! I LOVE THIS KIND OF BEGINNING TO A DAY! “SHABBAT SHALOM”, to be sure! - 14.19 SO! Yonah's little “pillow dove” is as done as it's going to be. Not “bad”. Certainly NOT the way I would prefer it, but not “bad”. And he HATES it! All the while I worked on it, he watched, from his house or... ON MY HANDS as I tried to sew. I'm looking forward to getting the other doves... which I'll order on Thursday, and we shall see. AND... I “darned” (another shitty job) a “night sock”... I'd put the pair on a couple of nights ago and notice a hole in the toe so.... I got into the stitchery du jour and got that done too. - Now? I have to “fill in” this journal page for yesterday, get to Yonah's page AND there are photos to add to Yonah's site. - I have a little “script” that makes a cute “slide-show”, but it was written for 3 images... and when I add more, it freezes. So I have to figure this out. It runs independent of the web, so what-ever needs tweaking is local... I'll figure it out... or not... or... when I have a moment (HAHAHAHAHAH)... I'll learn to “script”. (Yeah... before my last breath? Doubtful.) - BUT THE TRUCK STARTED AND RAN FOR ABOUT 15 MINUTES. Though, one tyre, front driver's, looks low. FUCK! NO! Oh well... - 18.27 I sat to eat... veggies and noodles (with black-eye peas), at 17.05 and by 17.40... even the washing-up is done! I was on to “evening routine”! Tonight's supposed to be COLD again, and I wanted the windows closed against ANY chill coming in and so, put Yonah's back-board up too at the same time. And when it was all done... I took my place at the work table... I've STILL got YESTERDAY on THIS Journal to complete !!! BUT... Today, I managed to get Yonah's journal to-date, we've posted the latest photos, made new pages for more to come. (And we're approaching “1000 pages” for the individual images! I REALLY HAVE to learn how to simply code a “slide-show”! They'll be cutting me short on the server-side in a while at the rate I'm going! I hope NOT though.) - I REALLY BELIEVE YONAH'S BEEN UPSET BY THE “PILLOW”!!! I finished it... Not “couture”, as Martin would call it, but it turned-out rather “quite OK”... But Yonah's seeing it as some kind of “competition”... there's obvious “hate” there. He's even being a bit “stand-offish” with me... even now. - 19.20 CAUGHT-UP WITH THE JOURNALLING AT LAST! BUT... YONAH'S COO'ING! SEEPIE-NIGH-NIGHT TIME? OK.. WE'LL SEE... - 19.35 Yep.. that's what it was... And he's all tucked-in... and there's a “coldness” to the shit-box, and the furnace had just kicked so I put it up to 70F for a while. I stepped out for a smoke and there's a “bite” in the air. So... - Having a hot water tonight... I want to stop eating before bed from now on... but I'll start that tomorrow night. (Any excuse.) It's this “belly fat”! I NEED to get rid of it. And perhaps tomorrow morning, I'll attend to the “face” and a shower... I might be going into town in the after-noon when I start the truck anyway... IF it starts tomorrow... in all this bitter cold... O KRISTE! I just hope - But... I'm caught-up with Journals now... Off to “close the day” for Yonah's before anything else. - 20.11 Pills taken... JOURNALS POSTED... TO-DATE! Having a hot water... the furnace is running AGAIN... twice in a half hour! It'll be back down before bed... And “showering” is out for tonight. I just can't care. - Time for nosh, Brit and bed! I'm tired... Fucking contractions! - (And there's a “low rumble” next door... very low but... Yeah... she's out of her what-ever-mind-she-may-have-ever-had. I just hope she doesn't destroy the place... before we get out of here.) - 21.29 And I'm in jammies... ready to head to bed... for the next 90 minutes, no doubt. The furnace is running and I noticed that I thought I'd set it at 70F but it's at 68F! But... when it stops running, it's going to be set back down... I'm trying to decide if 62 would be OK or 65... I mean, if at 62, the house shouldn't get any cooler than that and 62's OK. But if it's to get as cold as threatened, 65 might be better because, if it's chilly in the morning, it takes less oil to go up to 68. (Still worrying when, if needed, I'm going for “Emergency HEAP” anyway. They CAN'T say “No” to an emergency... and with the rise in propane, I don't even want to think what oil is now... and so... let somebody else pay. I'm tired of worrying about so much. Fuck... 16 months in the Shelter and didn't use the services... just took a bed and they collected to pay, provide linens and the likes... and I even washed my own of those... with my own detergent! Anyway... let's see IF I manage to get ANY SLEEP tonight anyway... I'm MOST SERIOUSLY doubting it. I'll probably be worse for the “early night”. - Meanwhile... the furnace goes off... and so do I... that's that.
Sun.30.Jan: 6.22 Météo says it's -20 with a chill of -29 out there. Well, if that's the truth then I must have fever or am still on “sleep warmth”. But the furnace is running... AGAIN! My “morning routine” is complete, except for being clothed, and I'm even in from a smoke on the porch and it doesn't feel all that. No telling. The furnace is still at 65F so... BUT... I DID IT... I MANAGED TO GET TO BED IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE LAST ENTRY LAST NIGHT, GOT COMFY, THE LEFT FOOT STARTED TO FEEL AS THOUGH SOMETHING WAS BEGINNING TO CONTRACT AND I FELL ASLEEP. WOKE, BRIEFLY AT MID-NIGHT, LOO-TODDLE, BACK TO BED AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW... “TING-A-LING-A-LING-A-LING” AND THE “6.00” ALARM WAS SOUNDING! I'D SLEPT RIGHT THROUGH THE NIGHT! 21.30 TO ABOUT 5.45! (And even then, I really would have stayed in bed until the “6.30” alarm... or even longer... but BREAKFAST ON THE BACK GALLERY! THE LITTLE ONES NEEDED FOOD!) COFFEE AT HAND HERE NOW AND... WELL... “BABY I'M AMAZED!”
Let's see how the rest of the day rolls. I'm feeling “rested” but have some to realise that, even on the “best” of days, much of my “weariness” is the result of me “thinking my way into malaise”. General shit and fuckerie crashes about in thoughts and the body responds. It's almost, if not fully... neurotic! “Oma”, who sat there one morning, at table, as we had coffee, and she said “I'm worried... there's nothing to worry about today and I'm worried that I'm forgetting something I should be worried about.” Honestly! - This morning though, I can't help but think that I've been “played the fool” by that “Mindy”... with the art-work. Cahoots? Sister? Looking for my physical location? Or some kind of “collections effort”? And when learning that there's really nothing to gain from it, just backed away? When sister is capable of such conniving as to take me away from the house under such pretense as was done that Sunday morning, and baby brother participates... It's all quite possible. I'm annoyed... angry, really, at ME, for falling for such ploys. But, well, thus far, no physical harm has come of it... YET... so, responding? Why bother? Why not bother? What-ever. A terse yet cryptic e-mail? No. Perhaps a “social media” post at some point. - Anyway... there's this morning. - Next item of “concern”... the truck. Will it start and run today? - Other than that... me and my hygiene. A shave and shower... - BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE... MY LITTLE HEART-AND-SOUL! YONAH! - But for now... coffee and... we'll know how the day is when the day isn't... tonight. - A morning thought: Life seems to be as if Ms. Jane hit an old stash of Quaaludes and Romper Room has run amok. (And looking for the proper spelling of “Quaaludes”, I've discovered that there's a cocktail by that name! Gin, rum, vodka, &c. with sour mix, served in a beer mug. Sounds familiar. With minor exception, surely, in our “concoction days” we must have made one. Anyway... there we have it. Shame, really, that they're no longer available... THOSE were “happy days” my friend.) - 11.29 WELL... DAMNIT! THIS DAY IS JUST PASSING BY TOO BLOODY FAST AGAIN! And here I sit, in the SUN-SHINE... in spite of the damned COLD out there! -12 with a chill of -19. I'm at “that” point again where the “minuses” are pissing me off. There's ONE day, this week, “Wednesday”, when there's a temperature WITH-OUT a minus, but, as we all know, that's not a “promise”. But I'm planning on washing the bed linens then so... we shall see. - I've managed to trim beard and moustache at long last... - BUT... MOST IMPORTANT: YONAH WAS UP AND CALLING AT 7.15 THIS MORNING! CLOSER TO 7.00 AND FARTHER FROM 8.00 !!! I WAS STILL IN JAMMIES, HAVING COFFEE! IN FACT, I WAS IN THE LOO WHEN I HEARD “THE CALL”! AND HE WAS SO CONVERSATIONAL THIS MORNING! ALL THROUGH THE “ROUTINE” AND AFTER! AND ALL OF THIS MORNING, HE'S BEEN ALL OVER THE ROOM, AND TODAY, HE'S “DISCOVERED” THE SHELF JUST BELOW HIS HOUSE! AND THAT'S BEEN A NEVER-ENDING SOURCE OF AMAZEMENT AND EXPLORATION FOR HIM ALL MORNING! AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE IT BECAUSE HE'S RIGHT BESIDE ME, AT “ELBOW HEIGHT” AND I GET TO SIMPLY REACH OVER FOR SOME PLAY AND CUDDLES! BUT IT'S HIS ENERGY AND ACTIVITY THAT DOES MY HEART THE MOST GOOD. - On the “down” side though... his beak is growing back and that “concerns” me... BUT BUT BUT I've discovered that that little rock I'd found down at the river, the one that looks like a little bit of a broken bread roll, fits in his food dish so... I've boiled it, put it in the oven (450F... as I'm putting that “soil” through another baking) and HOPEFULLY, when Yonah eats, he'll scrape his beak against it and that'll help to trim it back! (I've made a note of all of this, of course, in his Journal with a little mention of how I don't trust the local vets... and I don't... that “VCA” visit in Ray Brook just put me off... not to mention the “protected” bull-shit! NOW I'm worried that, if I bring Yonah in, some self-righteous, self-serving shit-sack will simply refuse to let him come home! And, well... I don't even dare to give word to the results of THAT! - But let me move along here... it's 11.45 already! SHIT! And at 14.00, I'm thinking of taking the truck for a roll into town... there's just enough for one pack of smokes in the account... I shouldn't... really, but... and Perry's is 2/7 this week... No doubt, there's none to “choose” from but... And I could use chicken or some kind of meat. Last night was noodles and veggies and beans. - Well... at least I got my face “cleaned-up” a bit. - 13.31 Imagine this! MOSTLY caught-up with journals and such... and the sun is shining and... now... my heart breaks... I need to get out, start the truck, and, hopefully, make a roll into town... - 15.05 MADE IT... TO FamDoll AND MARKET AND BACK! NOTING: NO CHICKEN AT THE MARKET! IT WAS DISGUSTING! AND THE PERRY'S? HORSE-SHIT FLAVOURS! NO REAL SELECTION... AND ON SALE TOO! FUCK! - But, at FamDoll, I THINK I spoke with Cindy Heald... in the car-park. She too, is fed-up with this “government mandate” shit! AND... I made it through the errands... maskless. So it would appear that MOST of us are at the end. - Meanwhile, the “Truckers Convoys” are spreading from Canada (leave it to Canada) across the WORLD! One of these days... BANG! - And as an aside: Nordländer is still running. I'm rather shocked... but not expecting it much longer and NOT “participating”. - Now... I even have all the “paper and book works” done. I'm “ahead”... but wondering what I'm forgetting. - The “Goodwill Red” boots are in the shower, thawing and soaking-in alcohol. I don't know why I bother at this point, but now it's more “interest” to see if I actually CAN get rid of the mildew. (BUT... Yonah's room caught the fumes! WHY does HIS room always catch the shit in this shit-box? But at least the sun is still shining in and it's warm.) - 18.45 Noodles again tonight. There's meat in the freezer... I just need to cook... but chicken is low... perhaps I'll take another run into town... I will on Thursday... Meanwhile, there really is no sense in it. But... everything was done and settled and Yonah's “evening routine” was done by 18.00... I've just been passing time... Not that I've nothing I COULD be doing... but, I'm so tired again! ALTHOUGH, I'm feeling MUCH better than I did before eating. I'm wondering what's “off” in my system. And that pain in the left “nut and back” is REALLY tough these past couple of days. Oh well.. I'm due another “scan” or something, come April. WOW.. only 3 months away. - Furnace has been running... -12/-22 tonight again. We're ready. - I'm just tired.... - 20.15 Well? Day is done... Yonah's site is SO current! It's a delight! - And tonight... he was ready for “seepie-nigh-night” at 19.15 again! So I'm at the kitchen table, his work is complete, and I'm going to try... TRY... for a shower before bed tonight... I'VE MANAGED TO CLEAN MY FACE! - And it's going to be “chilly” again tonight so... but the furnace has been running rather too much and tonight I'll put it back to “normal” (62F). Yes, I'm rather determined to call for “and emergency”, if for no other reason than to prove a point with this “inflation” bull-shit. But, no sense in MAKING it an “actual” emergency. - Tomorrow night I'll drop the rent in the post... I'm in NO fucking hurry and there IS a “5-day grace” so... if it's post-marked the first... hey... Mass-hole got one in the past with that post-mark and said it was “legit”. - In other news... there isn't any... - Yonah is tucked-in, the furnace is running, the house is warm. He has plenty of food and I'll be ordering more on Thursday. (I NEED food for the Little Ones of the Yard though!) - I'm tired, really, and although looking forward to getting to bed at a “civil hour” I'm DREADING THE PAIN! It's a fuck... but that's “Life”... HEY! I have “Life”... YONAH is my LIFE! So if I have to put up with little bull-shit... fine. I can still provide YONAH a good place of shelter. - But honestly... my guts are wrenching now... February is 16 months... and if he was 2 months old in October 2020... All I'll say is: HE BETTER NOT SUFFER... IN ANY WAY, FOR ANY REASON, BY ANY MEANS, FOR ANY TIME AT ALL !!! JUST NO SUFFERING! HE'S ALREADY DONE THAT... I just won't believe that there's “Hell” for these Little Ones... although... yes, in the wild, their natural birth-right habitat, they DO suffer... and terribly. BUT... NO! NOT YONAH! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! And if February is to be our last month together in “this” world? Well... It'll be our first month together in the next. - 22.37 SHOWERED! HOT! Nicely scrubbed and clean. No “water”, of course, to speak of. But... a “fresh” start to what will probably be a miserable night. But at least I'm “clean” (again). Oh, but how I miss the “every night” showers. As I washed tonight I thought: even in the shelter I had the glory of a shower in the morning and a shower in the evening. (But then again, in the “Tilden Days”, I had a shower weekly, and that was NO HOT water.) How things have changed... Now, off to the tortures of a night.
Mon.30.Jan: 6.56 DID IT AGAIN! 2nd NIGHT IN A ROW! WITH ONE EXCEPTION: NO LOO! SLEPT... FROM THE MOMENT MY HEAD HIT THE PILLOW UNTIL THE 6.00 ALARM (which I turned off and SLEPT until the 6.30 alarm) !!! Now THAT'S AMAZING ! Although last night was “post-shower”, HOT and scrubby. Still, TWO nights of SLEEP! Baby! I AM amazed. - Of course, last night was heavier socks and the pillow at the knees, and this morning is the usual “swing and sway (no Sammy Kaye)”. That's the “old”. But hey! SLEEP! How wonderful! Shirley, there's a “penalty” due. And I'm “slept” but not “refreshed”. And there's still that “pain” in the groin. But, oh well, alas and shit... the old body got its rest... what-ever. - 9.17 Sun's trying to rise above the trees, the house is “settled”. A bit of lavage on the rack in the shower. I'm pondering making some “bread pudding” today. The last of the last batch of bread is so DRY... but perfectly fine, in the fridge. The ONLY way to eat it is... well... either with a hammer or as something else. And bread pudding it the way we'll go. I got milk yesterday, have the eggs and sugar so... But that's for a little later. - Yonah was up at 7.20 this morning and has been a PURE DELIGHT... It does my heart and soul SO much good when he “wants” my company! - But, I want a snooze again! Three hours and I'm “weary” again. Honestly, this has to be stopped. But you know? ALL of those YEARS... the work years... MUST getting up to “GO” to work... and in the Shelter, MUST getting up and OUT into the what-ever... And even in VT with MUST getting up and out and being “busy” or other-wise “occupied”... always... ALWAYS DOING DOING DOING SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING... OR... DOING SOMETHING TO TRY TO FIND SOMETHING TO DO! And today? The ONLY “MUST”... YONAH! My “Heart-and-Soul”. This “old” body is weary... right to the cellular level, I've no doubt. Just 'weary”. As Oma used to say:
“Sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
(I can't ... the radio is playing the old “Wild Horses”... I didn't like it when it was “in”, I'm not “fond” of it now, save for the “memories”... and you know? Those aren't worth the pain.) - Moving along... Sun in the windows is due in about 40 minutes! - 14.08 OK... So I have Yonah's shopping list for Thursday done... including the “doves”... DAMN! Money just dissolves... it doesn't disappear... it literally dissolves! BUT... HE deserves ALL of what's on there (mostly food). - OH... THE PHONE RINGS... A CHARMING GAL FROM THE NEW “BLUE CROSS” RANG TO “WELCOME”... WE WERE ON FOR QUITE THE WHILE BUT ALL SORTS OF THINGS ARE NO CONFIRMED AND I LEARNT THAT EVEN “ER” IS COVERED! Colon and prostate too. “April”? We shall see. But at least nothing comes out of the income. And THAT is what matters most to me. AND TE PHONE RINGS! - Just in from starting the truck. Didn't run to “operating temp” but it sounds OK. It'll get a run on Thursday... IF WE DON'T HAVE THE THREATENED SNOW STORM... which looks rather like it's coming. AND THEN COMES MORE BITTER COLD! But then... it'll be February. - YONAH'S taken to the orange tree today, for some reason. He's even gotten himself “cozy” in there! I don't know that I “like” the idea but, that's what they do in the wild... flower pots. So? So there we have it. - NOTING: MY EYES ARE SO FUCKED TODAY! DOUBLE... I MEAN... JUST FUCK ME! (I'll be looking into “surgeries” next. DAMNIT!) - AND Ms. BANGITALLTOFUCK IS AT IT AGAIN! EVERY FUCKING DAY IT HAS SOMETHING TO BANG ABOUT! SHE'S OUT OF HER FUCKING NUT! WHACK-FUCKING-JOB! I'LL SWEAR SHE'S MENTAL! I MEAN... *EVERY* FUCKING DAY? WHAT? So much for: I'll be spending most of my day in my 'crafts'... WHAT FUCKING “CRAFTS”? RENOVATING THE ENTIRE FUCKING STRUCTURE OVER THERE?
And so... the sun never came... but it's not BITTER so, there's that. - And I haven't cooked. But I did a bit of washing. - 20.16 Well? Another month is GONE! The first month of another year. GOOD LOARD! Did I EVER expect to be in the year “2022”? OH HELL NO! (And I can't help but think of what LC had said to me, so many years ago: “I didn't expect you to live THIS long!” She “knew” already, WAY back then. But... with NO grudges... YONAH came along and NOW... there's a reason, a cause, a RESOLVE to continue... for as long as he's with me. And did I EVER expect to reach the age of 67? OH HELL, TO-THE-HELL NO! BUT... AGAIN... YONAH is HERE... and IF he stays until “then”... we'll BOTH see me reach the age of 67... TOGETHER. - The rent cheque is in the “Outgoing Mail” slot for tomorrow's dispatch. And on Thursday, the rest of the bills will be attended.... and then... YONAH SHOPPING! I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT! THERE'S SO MUCH I WANT TO GET FOR HIM! There's SO MUCH I want to DO for him, to GIVE to him... I just wish I knew what else I could do to make his time with me a time of complete contentment. But, from this day together, I think I'm doing fairly well. - He was tired again, tonight, at 19.15 though. He DID have quite a day of it, and it DID start earlier than days have commenced recently. And I'm going to get to bed at a civil hour tonight (and suffer, no doubt, but...) because now, since he's gone to sleep early, tomorrow will be an earlier start and I WILL be up and ready for him. - I'm really rather amazed... the phone rang, I had that chat about the new medical coverage and it all seems quite settled. - I managed to scrub the “Red Wings” with a detail brush and MORE alcohol. But I still have the “scent” of them in my nose and am “concerned” that I may have a bit of “old mildew” in the sinuses... NOT good. “Sinus infection” to follow? Or... maybe the cigarette smoke will kill it off. We'll see when and if we see. (A shower would help to BLOW it all out but I'm not going through that again tonight. I just don't have the care nor the energy.) - Yonah's Journal and photo pages are all current to-the-moment. January is “closed” and February is waiting. And I'll throw what I have here onto this Journal tonight before heading off to bed. - “Month End”... imagine that! SHIT! January went by QUICKLY! JEEZUS! - I see “25-30cm” of SNOW for THURSDAY! I was planning on heading into town at some point. I NEED MORE FOOD for the Little Ones of the Yard! I HOPE I'll be able to make that trip! But, if the truck rolls, I see no reason why I won't be able to. We'll see on Thursday morning. At least Yonah's shopping is all “on-line”. Minus single-digits to come for a few nights too! Tonight... -15. Not very good. And the next -20 is on Saturday and then back to minus-teens... BUT, thankfully, no 20s or 30s! And if they (“they”) know what they're talking about, after Saturday... minus teens and single digits for the fortnight! I can only HOPE! Today I see that oil prices locally are up to 3,68! Well, FUCK! “Emergency” if needed. I don't give a shit any more. If the government wants to “support”, then, give me my taxes refunds! Away we go! - Meanwhile... Time to toddle along with the night. Pills have been taken and by 21.30... - To that end... off to post this to the servers and... - PLEASE... NO PAIN TONIGHT! PLEASE!!!!! -
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