Mon.01.JUN (The glass is in the window up-stairs.): 4.34 I have NO idea why I'm up, dressed, in from a smoke and coffee at hand at this hour, but I woke, saw the clock at about 3.50, tried to get back to sleep and at 4.10 just gave up and gave in and went to the loo to pee, put the kettle on and... here I am... on the 1st JUNE... with a temperature out there of 3°... yes THREE DEGREES! JOLLY SHIT! INDEED! Thankfully, it appears the flowers on the porch are faring OK, thus far. But THREE DEGREES? (As for “Summer”... “When Will I See You Again?”) AND THE BLOODY FURNACE IS ROARING FOR THE SECOND TIME SINCE I GOT UP. JOLLY-FUCKING-CHARMING. - In other news... Last night I DID manage a quick shower AND, when I got OUT of said shower and checked the arm-pit... THE BLACK BIT OF THAT SKIN TAB CAME OFF!!! AT LAST! There's more to it, though it's more a “flesh-tone”, but that BLACK BIT is GONE! Still, the itching is almost intolerable. But I tend to believe that that's caused by the fact that the tea tree oil really did a job on the surrounding skin and things are “tight”. Need to get some kind of cream to soften and heal. But for now... THE BLACK BIT IS GONE! We'll continue working on it. (Odd... but the label on the bottle of the oil claims “may nourish skin”... Yeah? Me no think so.) - Health report: left shoulder-blade is tight and a touch sore this morning. Goes down through the chest as well. Almost like pleurisy. I should doubt it. But the usual coughing is producing the usual phlegm so things are other-wise usual. Can't help but remember how Tante Irma said that she'd discovered her CA-Lung from a pain in the shoulder-blade. But then again, I've had this pain before. It was annoyingly uncomfortable when I put out the lights and tried for sleep last night (at about 22.45 or so). But, apparently, since I woke before the alarms this morning, I've gotten my body's need in sleep so... - MAYBE I'll venture up-stairs this morning to work on that window? We shall see. I'm not much in the mood at the moment but... time will tell. - For now... on with coffee and what-ever is to follow. - June... imagine? FUCK! The damned year is almost half gone... A-FUCKING-GAIN! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! - 8.34 Took a snooze, mostly because this is an episodic morning and the light-headedness won't go away. So I got the extra hour in, making for 6 hours of “rest”, or what-ever it may be, and got back out of the bed (fully clothed) at 7.45. Put on the green fleece and the khakis over my jeans, tied the hood of the Sherpa over head and went UP-STAIRS with Raid, glass and glue. Well? The glass isn't quite long enough, top-to-bottom, but I got it on the frame! (Sadly, if could use caulking on the out-side but I'm NOT going onto the porch roof... I doubt it would hold me, or any-body else, up.) And wouldn't you know? AS I was working the glass into place.... BUZZZZZZZZ! A bloody HORNET! So it got a couple of shots of Raid and died on the window on another pane so I continued propping the piece in place and working it into the adhesive. When done... emptied the can of Raid into the wall and an open space and headed back down to look to see if the glass is holding. Thus far, it is. Perfect? HELL NO. BUT... it's in there and that's all I'm asking for today. I SAID I WAS GOING TO PUT GLASS INTO THE WINDOW AND I DID! NOW... I might be dead soon. - My chest and shoulder are still giving me trouble and my head's still a bit “off-shoulders” as I sit here typing. Oddly, I can't watch video, and watching the cursor blink and the words appearing on the lap-top screen makes me nauseous. Yes indeed, there's some-thing “wrong”. But, as I think, honestly, this isn't the first time I've experienced this sort of thing... though that doesn't make it any better. Truthfully, I feel a touch better than I did earlier. I need to get out and DO some-thing... move about. Mayhaps in the yard... perhaps get at the dirt pile? We shall see. It's cool enough this morning. - And now, waiting for the 9.00 hour to make the loan payment this morning and after that, ALL the expenses are paid for this time. - Got an e-mail from Soc.Sec. this morning, suggesting I “check my annual statement” on-line. Managed to do so. It indicates that Medicare goes into effect in August. The fact that that's only about 2 months away doesn't make me feel any better... 2020 is half done... and this year... in 2 months... I'll have completed 65 years on this old planet. Last night as I showered, I recalled how Liz claimed to have gone to some “fortune teller” back in college days and was told that I will “live to the age of 82”. That doesn't seem likely at this rate. But, we do what we must for as long as we must and then... we drop dead and nothing we've ever done makes any difference nor does it matter at all. But at least the glass is in the window as I'd promised. - Moving on... to... moving on. - 8.58 Time rolls and the on-line Journals are posted to the end of May. Not, mind, that anybody will ever find them nor will they associate them with me. (Odd: I think of some-body actually find all of this WELL after I'm fucking dead reading it, finding it “interesting enough” to put into a book, publishing it and making a fortune... HELL! If Kafka was so interesting... AND, of course, keeping with the way my entire life-time has been... I'll have done all the work and some-body ELSE will reap the benefits. Ah... how I DO SO hate my “parents”... AND “Life” in general.) - I hear Ms. Suzie's in. The day REALLY commences now. Let's see what kind and portions of bull-shit are to be dumped today. Eh? Monday... new week, new potentials. Fuck. - 9.27 LOAN PAID! ACCOUNTS RECONCILED ON POINT! MONDAY IS DONE-DAY! I suppose I can die now... the rent's paid, the bills are paid, the loan is paid... the only question is: Amazon debited the account for the fan, Glad and patches on the 30th May and then, on the 31st May, put the money back. I know they don't charge until ship, but... are we going to go through shit again? Well, at least I know they can get the money... now... I WANT THE FUCKING FAN! (Not that I'll need it any time too soon, since nights will remain single-or-low-double digits for a while.) Anyway... Yep... Monday's responsibilities are complete. I shall go die some-where now. - 20.42 It's been a tough day, chest-wise and arm and such. A LOT of napping and every one was about 30-45 minutes with such little relief from the fatigue. It's the chest. Heavy and “sore”. - BUT, I DID manage to get a LOT of the dirt pile in the back yard spread out this evening! A LOT! Quite impressed with me. And I feel better whilst and shortly after all of the work. So? So... - Had a few texts with/to Theresa. Told her, pretty much, I'm “getting my affairs in order”. Seriously, at the rate things are going, I don't know which “nap” will be “THE” nap. Yeah... I'm feeling THAT miserable lately. - This evening, the Hummies were hysterical! THREE of them, and none will eat if any of the others are there! There's one little fella who keeps hovering at me as if to say “Mr.! DO SOMETHING!” SO TOO CUTE! - Shower time... and maybe a v-ton. WTF? Eh? - 24.16 Off the phone with Theresa. It cut us off and I had NO intention of being up at this hour any-way! Shit! I have to set an alarm for me for these calls. But I was text-messaging the brutal facts of the day concerning my health and such and wanted to allay the “mood”. So I did. And now, it's off to bed. Had a v-ton, a shower AND a hit of Primatene. Let's see what that does. - Not looking forward to going to bed... just not ready to “not wake up” but? But... - (On Tuesday morning, 9.19: As I was digging in the dirt-pile, Hanna and Julius returned from visiting with Jeff and Hanna came to tell: “Mike”, the one with the long grey hair and beard, of “Mike and Dan”, who bought the house on the Lakota Rd, died this morning. All I could say was “He beat me to it.” I can't fully imagine what Dan must be going through, having bought the place, working on it and all. I remember seeing the two of them, digging, transplanting ferns and the likes, Mike running the chipper and such... only a mere fortnight or so ago. Bang. Done. And now Dan's there in that house alone. “New house, new life, new all and now alone.” Well? That's exactly how “Life” treats us: find happiness... die. - One other note: today's post was nothing but the “bill” for the next year's box rent. Choice of annual or semi. 56 whole, 28 semi. Due on the last day of this month. Pisses me the fuck off. The bloody audacity. Oh well... Choose the battle. But more often than not, fighting with retards is futile.)

Tue.02.Jun: (Tomato plants are in.) 9.17 and not out of bed until 8.32 this morning on account of I just didn't want to be bothered. And now, dressed, with clothes in the basin on the soak, in from a smoke and all that, I still don't want to be bothered. And I wonder: with the way I'm feeling these days, not good, not good at all, is this what Opa felt the day he rang Oma and said “Take me to the ER.”? A clot? Oh... Who knows? Really. And what difference does it make? None. One of these mornin's, you just ain't gonna rise up... singin' or other-wise. - Thankfully it was only one v-ton last night, but I did manage to sleep through, though I woke at a couple of points, only briefly. - And so it's another day of pains in the throat and upper chest. Temperature of 10° with drastic rising to come. I can't help but think that the heat of this Summer will be the one to “take me out”. I just don't have the stamina. But “stamina” or not, as it is right now, I want to get another hummie-feeder, butter is on sale with coupon, I'd like to get something for desserts after “meals” and I'll be needing smokes (not “needing” so much as “wanting”, I suppose). AND the truck truly does need to be run, lest all things go completely to shit. - “News” came through on the phone when I turned it on. More fucking violence, more news of devastation, burnings and the likes. It all seems a bit of the “usual” shit in the news, that we read/see/hear about “3rd World” countries across the Atlantic, but this is as close as The City and the “government” responsible is, well, for here in New Russia, just down the road in Albany. I was gleaning the “Voy” for Newburgh yesterday. Shit's the very same there. Mostly the “covid” nonsense, but violence and whining about taxation and “renters” and that “Omari” shit-bag running about recording police interventions and telling his ilk that it's an “invasion” and such. On “The Five” yesterday, Gutfeld was whining about his neighbourhood being “destroyed”. And all the while, the ONLY response that ANYbody ever takes is to bitch, piss and moan. There's nothing done to stop or change any of the causes... like the governing bodies, for prime example. It's as Theresa and I were discussing last evening: The schools stopped teaching actual history, some years ago, so the “youngsters” can toss the term “Civil War” about freely and with-out care AND with-out even the slightest notion of what that involves. They find it trite and amusing. I have to wonder what effect it would have on places like here, in New Russia. I suspect our greatest enemy would be those idiots from across the lake in VT and I'm rather sure they'd be rushing over to destroy just for the sake of watching it all burn... for their amusement. Yes, we've got our share of the idiots too... but. Anyway, it's just more bull-shit and today, I've got birds to feed and more dirt to sling. I looked at the cellar-shed in the back last evening and from the looks of it, I could certainly handle building a new one for “my” cellar. Major issue? Cinder blocks, rebar and the likes. And yes, I CAN build the little foundation to hold because I've got the wall at the “Bainbridge Garden” as my “reference! How many years...? But right now it's money more than much else. (And this morning I thought of the bed-room windows and “winterising” those and replacing them and I had to ask: “Are you fucking insane? Yes, it would all make YOUR present existence comfortable, but the fact remains that you could invest all of the time, energy and money and then, one day, Alden kicks-off or just decides to sell the place and you get the word 'You have to leave.', just as with Richford, and there you are, there you go, there you're gone... IF you manage to actually survive that long.” Oh... alas. But mean-while, such notions occupy and amuse and the involvement (like the dirt pile) keeps the old body moving. - And now, with that off mind, again, I wonder... “Clot? Opa?” and... I move along... Ms. Becky's been in to disturb the morning air. There are clouds in the sky and higher temperatures on the way and shit I should attend... like the lavage in the basin. Time to toddle along. - 12.41 Well, there was nothing in today's post at 10.30 so I came back in, put on m'boots, grabbed the gloves and shovel and... now... some 2 hours later, in from more work on the dirt pile (today, with wheel-barrow so it's better distributed), a chat with Alvin about “Stuff” and I put the 2 tomato plants in the kitchen garden. It's disappointing that the seeds aren't sprouting... not even the beans! I wonder: am I being told some-thing... like “Don't bother. You're not going to be here any-way.”? With the way I'm feeling at this moment, I shouldn't doubt it. (Not to mention, I just hacked something up into the kitchen basin and it was rather a “yellowish-greenish” colour. Another “upper respiratory infection”? Could be. “Dung-lung”? Could be... or... and I'm not even putting it here.) I don't feel “better”, having done the work. In fact, I'm rather nauseous and belching a bit. But... I want to get the other hummie feeder and that means going into town so... I'll finish this morning's coffee (believe it or not, I hadn't done that before heading out this morning) and see how that works. If I'm still breathing and mobile... into town. Can't help but recall the mornings when I'd snap at Oma “You're not well and shouldn't be out there driving! What if you pass-out behind the wheel?” Hah! Look who's guilty NOW! - Moving along... I move along. I suppose it's what we do and it beats sitting here just waiting... - 13.26 ORDERED GROCERIES... AND MORE COFFEE... AND TAHINI... and olive oil, cranberry (cocktail), salmon, tuna and turmeric. 40 left of FS now but there was 118 and well... I didn't order what isn't good food and I removed my debit cards so there's no “surprise charges”. OK... Never did get to my coffee and now? Under cloudy skies... the hope of travel to and from. Groceries are due between the 10th and 13th... oddly, the day after the next post to FS. OK. Fine. - PS: Still painful in the left arm, itching in the left pit and wondering if there isn't a connection some-where. Did I just fuck me up with the tea tree oil? One can only wonder. - 16.24 Well... MADE IT TO TOWN... NEW HUMMIE-FEEDER ON THE PORCH! NOW THERE'S TWO! NO WAITING. Got back from the Aubuchon/Market/FamDoll run, washed and installed the new feeder and at 16.07 was on the phone with DONNA, who'd phoned at some time round about 15.15 or so. Meanwhile, Alvin has been out to mow “his” and I thought I'd mow this, but it's raining so there won't be any mowing. So this day is done... now for a “meal” of cold chicken, left-over soup, ice cream for dessert. I got oatmeal at market today. I figure I'll try and see if it helps me feel any better. Will go well with the butter I managed to get (coupon, of course) and perhaps, peanut-butter or the blueberry preserves I got too. How spiffy... groceries from Amazon to come next week and I went grocery shopping today too. What's more... I managed to make it to town and back... in the truck... and didn't pass-away... during the trip. - And now to get “meal” prepped, eat, and then... right now I'm in a frame of mind to simply eat, do the washing-up, shower and go to bed. (I can't help but wonder: collapsed lung? Fukkit!) - Enough for now... the reconciliations are done. That's that. - 20.33 AMAZINGLY... EARLIER, SHORTLY AFTER MEAL, AS I WAS HAVING A SMOKE ON THE PORCH, I GOT STRUCK, ALMOST LITERALLY, BY A BOUT OF INTENSE DIARRHEA! JUST BARELY MADE IT TO THE LOO WHEN EVERY-THING JUST BLEW OUT! INCREDIBLY DARK BROWN, ALMOST BLACK, ONE “BLAST” AND FROM SINCE, I'VE FELT BETTER THAN I'VE FELT IN DAYS! THE PAINS, CHEST DISCOMFORT, ARMS, ALMOST EVERY PART OF MY OTHER-WISE HEAVY AND PAINFUL BODY IS ALMOST AS IF ALL HAS BEEN PERFECTLY FINE! MAKES ME WONDER IF THE SICKNESS WASN'T BECAUSE OF THE TEE TREE OIL... ABSORBED INTO THE BLOOD? WHAT-EVER... EITHER THAT, OR THIS IS MY “REPRIEVE” BEFORE DEATH? CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER. BUT NO MATTER WHAT, AND WHETHER OR NOT THE DIARRHEA IS ASSOCIATED, IT'S AMAZING! I'm just watching an under-sea video right now and will grab another quick shower before heading to bed. As with all, “Time” will tell what's going on. Meanwhile, this is fascinating. - In other news... just in from a smoke on the porch, in the drizzly evening and watching the 3 Hummies out there. They're “discovering” the new feeder and it's still so cute. Madame refuses to share the old feeder and one fellow got him-self quite comfy on the new one for a fill-up. It might have been the fact that the “nectar” in the new one was fridge-cold that put them off. But we shall see what develops. If I could, I'd just fill the porch with feeders. (I'm comforted that Alden won't be up too soon. Not sure if he'd appreciate the brackets being screwed into the house, but...) - Noting this evening that it LOOKS like the roof of the porch is separating from the house on the south side. I HOPE NOT! Not quite now anyway. NOT until I can afford to get to the lumber yard for what-ever I might need for the cellar shed and now... the porch. A couple of the supporting columns need replacing. The whole thing needs to be jacked-up too. But... all things in time. - So now? I've had a bowl of oatmeal this evening, in the hopes that it'll help with the “flush” that the trots may have begun. (Oddly, my appetite is back too.) So I'm looking forward to getting back to the dirt mound again tomorrow. It's almost completely gone. Then? Getting rid of the twigs and limbs piled on the oil tank. Then, I'll see what I can do with that tank. Maybe it could be taken as scrap metal? I'll have to look to find somebody to do so. If possible, maybe I could get a couple of dollars for it and send them on to Alden. (After all... it's not “mine” and it would be a delight to not have to move it... then to have it taken away... for free... where somebody else can benefit from the sale of the material... like 5225... a wound that will never heal, obviously.) And on that thought, I'm re-considering sending Madame Qunt a “birthday” note. I'd like to send some sort of note, just to say “I remember” and to send a note mentioning Mimou and Hallie. (That miserable bit of shit and her attitude... after all... SHE cut communications, not I.) - Moving along... will finish the video and off to bed. No rush on the “wake-up” tomorrow. And if the rains continue through the night, no rush to mow the lawn. All will be seen when the day is done. For now? Peace.

Wed.03.Jun: 6.45 We are up and about. WHY we are up and about we have NO idea. There's a heavy fog flattening our other-wise mountainous horizon. There is a vast and thick, grey cover o'er the skies above. The grasses and ground-other-wise are wet. And there's just the slightest chill to the morning air all round along with a bit of a dampness in the house. As for current state of “being”? Well, there were several episodes of muscle contraction, not to be confused with “spasm”, these were palpable contractions, through the night last. I got up at one point, put on the heavy socks which did nothing to relieve. Next was to put on the sweat pants and back brace and that did relatively nothing. Lights had gone out at about 22.30... I was still awake at 1.00. Next thing was the 5.00 alarm which I turned off and dozed until about 6.00 at which time I decided to get up and out of bed for coffee. My chest and other pains of the previous days? Oh, the “heaviness” is back, but I'll begin to attribute that to the reclined position of the night and allow for that to pass as I move about going forward (as it were). It's not quite as “miserable” as it's been of late, but it's not as “wonderfully relieved” as it was last night. Silly, of course, of me, to think that it would be “miraculously” gone completely. THAT will come when Death takes its place, to be sure. This said, it's just another day, indeed, I'm dressed, in from a few drags of morning smoke on the porch. (I can't finish a cigarette before it “takes a toll” on the breathing so... How odd that my body is dictating my cessation which I'm rather sure isn't in my best interest either... “5 years” and here we go.) - So. Nothing on the agenda for the day because of the forecast of rain through. Digging is probably out. Mowing is definitely out unless the sun comes along to dry the ground and grass. Travel? None necessary. A bit of house-work perhaps. Catching-up on the “quotes page” on the door (there are many on the old ATT phone as that's become my way of pre-recording: I take a photo and then transcribe). I should attend to the matter of the Pee-Oh and shit, escalate and have it investigated. And surely there'll be something of importance to come to mind tonight... before I head for the bed. And there's tonight's “meal”... I don't know what I'll be having then. But, there's time. “What's the hurry?” as mother used to inquire in Boca. None darling... none at all. - Wednesday... and the month of June rolls in and along. Have of 2020 disappears. Another year... older and more worn. - 19.50 Well.. aside from voting on the new school elections and budget (yes, I received a ballot, imagine that... and I voted against the rise in the budget, considering they've done nothing for most of this year and I expect them to use that savings for next year... being the “Conservative” that I am and as realistic as I can be), and taking many... MANY naps through the day (just up from the most recent and ready to get back into bed for the night now), I've actually “accomplished”... nothing. Awful, really. I nap for 45 minutes, am OK for about 2 hours and then back to nap. I'm hoping that it's just that there was nothing much else that I could do with the rains and wet and clouds and such. - The “Town of New Russia” installed little “banners” on the utility poles today, “Home-town Heroes”, as they are. This corner got a “Raymond Rivers”... on the road that leads down to the river. I wonder... Well, there's a “budget”. Cute though. - Otherwise... pasta for meal with ice cream after and oatmeal for lunch. I'm hoping the oatmeal will “cleanse” but... - My “pit” is still itchy and my chest, though a touch “better”, is still “heavy-ish”. I'm wondering if it isn't tea tree toxicity that's causing most of my trouble. Now I'm trying to decide between trying Benadryl before bed for the itch or naproxen for the leg contractions. Vodka would probably deal with both but I don't want to get into the alcohol too. It's looking more like naproxen. I've been taking the zinc with meal. Not sure what I expect that to do but... and the cocoa butter seems to soothe the itching for a while. Oh well... only time will tell what's going on... or not. And the “coughing-up” isn't changing colour or anything of the sort. Again... only time will tell. - Now to pass a little while longer and head to bed. Tomorrow's looking clear so there's mowing and digging that can be done. I'm looking forward to that... being active. It seems to help. Couldn't be any worse than all the sleeping today. - I'm tired of being tired all the time. - 20.54 Time to get to bed (again) at last. This day is done!

Thu.04.Jun: 5.11 and the lights went out (over-bed and mine) at 22.00 and by 4.45 I was up, coffee on and I'm in from morning smoke on the porch where the day-light is rushing into another day here. How charming. And health? Well... not GRAND but not HELLISH. Congested as usual, coughing as usual, but for now (for now), nothing much to whine about. A bit of a slight itch on the pit, a bit of a “jab” on the left shoulder, but other-wise, just other-wise. - A little note here: Before going to sleep last night, I finished the last of the “Salingers” from the shelf. “Seymour - An Introduction”, and swapped books. “A Home At The End of the World” up next, just because of current states of affairs (let's just call it that). Opening that, I noticed the receipt: 12 Aug. 2010! SOOOoooo, because I can, I checked the old Journal, on-line, on a phone (imagine that), to see... WELL! Not only did I get that on that day, but “Franny and Zooey” as well! (How sad that I had to re-re-re-buy from Abe's Books when I got here, but that's fine. I have it again and have re-re-re-re-read it and re-re-re-re-enjoyed it.) I'd taken Moe to Dr. Hecht on Union Square and passed the time at Barnes and Noble's! I still remember that and those days. Sadly, 2010's entries were posted from the iPod so they're a mess, but there are the particulars. That was TEN years ago! A DECADE! Fuck. - THEN... I checked last year, this time, particularly tomorrow's date (Ms. Qunt's birthday) to find a notation... THERE, LAST YEAR, ON 5 JUNE, THE FURNACE WAS RUNNING IN THE HOUSE! THE TEMPERATURE OUT-SIDE WAS 8° AT THE TIME! SO... this “coolness” isn't really all that odd. And it gave me a bit of hope for the garden as well (though, in all honesty, I really don't expect to “be here” if/when it actually produces this year... I really don't). THEN TOO, today is the day I planted the knot-weed along the fence. How I wonder what that looks like these days and whether or not they tried to dig it up. (As I read now I see I got the “Primatene” on the 19th last year... the exp. on it was last month, but I'm using it now... before bed... and it seems to help with the congestion, especially before sleep... no wheezing. This was a particularly horrific month last year, “over there”. The “No Trespassing” signs went up with the associated bull-shit and fuckery. The old qunt's abuse of Minou and her - talk about 'shirking responsibilities' as Silas put it to me so many years ago - leaving him out and the likes... AND on the 20th, I PAID JULY'S RENT, 21st I PAID THE PO BOX. Good to have these references. It was “quite the month”, indeed. It was REALLY quite Hellish over there this month, last year. WHAT A DIFFERENCE THIS YEAR! Yeah... right... I'm half the way down the road to pissing-off, checking-out. BUT...it's as I swore: I've come home to die. And one last item before getting back to today... on the 22nd, Monday this year, Sat. last, she'd been up at about 2.53 in the morning and had her tantrum, hauling the old filing cabinet out of the dining room and parking it in the door-way of the “white room”. And to think, I've been pondering making and posting a “Birthday” card to her! THE ONLY THING I TRULY HOPE FOR OVER THERE IS THAT HALLIE AND MINOU HAVE BEEN, ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE GIVEN THE LOVE, RESPECT, COMPASSION, SUPPORT AND LIFE THEY SO DESERVE! And if she's failed, may there be a particularly special Hell awaiting her when SHE leaves this old Earth. Amen.) - So much for the “reminiscing” of the morning. - Meanwhile, over HERE, THIS morning, on the agenda is the dirt pile, lawn mowing and a coat of white on the drawing room... little items to keep life “occupied”. The screen door catch doesn't and it appears either the door or the moulding has swollen. The front porch roof concerns me and there's the cellar shed that needs a re-build. So? It most certainly isn't a matter of “having nothing to do”. Eh? At least THESE things are MY things and though they rather go un-noticed over-all... *I* notice and am, as usual, proud of my labours and I get to enjoy the results. - First coffee down... let's roll. - 17.58 WOW! WHAT A DAY! THE DIRT PILE IS ALMOST GONE. THE BRANCHES THAT WERE HIDING IT ARE BROKEN (MANUALLY) AND STACKED AT THE BACK OF THE GARAGE... READY FOR A FIRE-PIT. AND THE LAWN IS MOWED, HAND-TRIMMED. THANKS TO ALVIN AND VIVIAN FOR THE LOAN OF THEIR MOWER WHEN THE HOUSE'S “WHITE” (just like my fave in Fuklin) COUGHED AND CHOKED. The exact same problem I had with the last one so now I have to find who fixes them... Took a stroll down to Jeff's to find out but no answer when I knocked. ANYWAY... STARTED AT ABOUT 10.00, FINISHED AT 16.00! CAME IN, SHOWERED, PUT FRANKS IN THE PAN, MADE SAUCE FOR THEM, SLICED BREAD... 5 FRANKS FOR MEAL WITH ICE CREAM AND NOW... EVEN THE DISHES ARE DONE! (Laundry next.) NON-STOP WORK-DAY! WOOHOO! - Sad news? Got to chat with Dan (on Lakota). Michael died of a clot... Dan told me he woke the other morning to find Michael on the sofa, sitting, as he did when he slept. He made coffee (Dan) and went to the living-room and called to Michael but Michael didn't move. So he gave him a shake only to find that Michael was already stone-cold. This move from L.I. to here was Michael's “dream” (not Dan's). “He was so happy here.” said Dan... “Home At The End of the World”... coupled with “Coming Home to Die”. Dan said Michael was in perfect health all along and... there we have it. Wake-up call? Message? Something. A lesson. - Now, I'm showered, have eaten, taken a naproxen (for muscles and blood thinner too now) and my zinc. Doors and windows open. Fan in the bed-room.
AND NOW FOR TODAY'S “AMAZON” BULL-SHIT!!!! THE FUCKERS PULLED THEIR LAST PRANK/SCAM ON ME THIS TIME! - 19.13 WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! MUST GET THE DETAILS IN BEFORE BED BUT... I GOT A REFUND AND THEY KICKED-UP DELIVERY! - 20.48 OK. Having a v-ton... and a second naproxen (to thin the blood... clots... in case). Had a lengthy text-chat with Theresa whilst on the porch this evening and ended it when it got to be “late”. I want to get to bed and start “Home At The End Of The World” tonight. I'm in “that” mood. Though, more Salinger would be delightful but I've done them all. “Narnia”? Maybe. We shall see. Meanwhile, let me get back to AMAZON... SO... AS IT WENT, THEY TOOK THE 90,70 FROM MY ACCOUNT ON 30 MAY, WHEN I PLACED THE ORDER FOR THE FAN, GLADES AND IRON-ON PATCHES, WHICH THEY CLAIM THEY DON'T DO UNTIL SHIPPING. ON 31 MAY THEY PUT IT BACK BUT... THEN AGAIN, ON 2 JUNE THEY TOOK I TOUT AGAIN WHICH MADE AN OVER-DRAFT ON THE ACCOUNT! OF COURSE, IT HAD TO BE THE CREDIT UNION! SO THE CREDIT UNION TOOK 50 OUT OF SAVINGS ON 4 JUNE (THE TRUCK EXPENSES AND THE LOAN) AND THEN AGAIN, ON 4 JUNE, AMAZON PULLED *** ANOTHER 90,70! 5,00 OVER-DRAFT CHARGE! THEN, ON 4 JUNE, THEY PUT THE 90,70 BACK! BUT BY NOW, THERE WAS A 50 TRANSFER OUT OF SAVING TO COVER AND OVER-DRAFT PLUS THE 5 FOR THE OD CHARGE! I WAS DEVASTATED! AND I ONLY JUST HAPPENED TO NOTICE ALL OF THIS THIS MORNING BECAUSE I WANTED TO CHECK THE ACCOUNT! SO I GOT ON-LINE WITH A “PATRICE” (WELL, SOMEBODY BEFORE HER WHO SWITCHED ME OVER. PATRICE OFFERED ME A 50$ “PROMO CREDIT” ON MY ACCOUNT TO COVER MY EXPENSES. I TOLD HER THAT WAS WORTHLESS BECAUSE I NEED THE MONEY TO PAY MY BILLS! SHE WAS MOST APOLOGETIC AND I SAID THAT I'D JUST GO TO CONSUMER AFFAIRS. MEANWHILE, I DID MY OWN RESEARCH ON-LINE AND FOUND THAT THERE ARE MANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT AMAZON PULLING JUST SUCH A STUNT AND CALLING IT A “SCAM” AND I LISTED MY FINDINGS FOR PATRICE. SHE SEEMED A BIT TAKEN BY ALL OF THIS AND APOLOGISED AGAIN FOR BEING UNABLE TO HELP ME. I ASSURED HER THAT I APPRECIATED HER PATIENCE AND HELP AND ALL WHO “WORK” AT AMAZON AND WE LEFT IT AT THAT. - *** UP-DATE *** COME THIS EVENING, I CHECK MY E-MAIL TO FIND A MESSAGE STATING THAT AMAZON HAS “REFUNDED” ME ON AN ORDER (THE KITCHEN CHAIRS) IN THE AMOUNT OF 50$! “A COURTESY REFUND” AS THEY CALL IT! QUICK CHECK ON THE ACCOUNT... THE 50 IS IN THERE! THE ACCOUNT IS BACK UP! *** BUT *** NOW I TRULY MUST DO A MANUAL RECONCILIATION ON THE ACCOUNT BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE IF AMAZON TOOK THE MONEY FOR THE ORDER OR NOT! I CHECKED THE ORDERS WITH AMAZON *** AND *** THEY'VE EVEN EXPEDITED THE SHIPMENT OF THE FOOD AND THE FAN!!! (WEDNESDAY IS GOING TO BE QUITE THE DAY NEXT WEEK WITH FOOD AND FAN DELIVERIES). SO I GOT A CUSTOMER SERVICE REP ON THE PHONE AND THANKED HER AND TOLD HER TO FIND PATRICE AND THANK HER DIRECTLY AND SENT “COMMENTS” VIA THE AMAZON SITE TO THAT EFFECT. GOOD NEWS? I GOT THE 50 BACK. BAD NEWS? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE BANQUE NOW. BUT... WE SHALL SEE HOW IT ALL RINSES IN THE “RECONCILIATIONS”. I'M REALLY RATHER SHOCKED THOUGH, TO GET THAT MONEY BACK. (Told Theresa. She says “You're charmed”. BULL-SHIT! NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HELL I GO THROUGH BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. TIME WILL TELL... - 22.09 Got caught up in the soc.med. Finished the v-ton and had some crisps with the garlic-yoghurt “dip” I'd made last crisp-trip. And now? A smoke and to bed! Tomorrow? Actually, only laundry on the agenda. YAY!

Fri.05.Jun: 9.47 The “yard clothes” (filthy) are washed, hanging on the rack along with other shirts and in the shower, the under-things hang to “dry”. Banque accounts are “reconciled” to-date. Soc.med. attended. AND... a “Bonne Anniversaire” e-mail posted to Mme. Qunt. (In French, with, of course, “Nuggles” to the little ones. Fuck her and her cronies.) And I woke, first, at 4.25, then again at about 5.05 and when, at what must have been 5.38, I figured I wasn't going to stay in the bed and sleep... I rolled out and another fucking day commenced. All said and done, I suppose it's been “productive”... “sufficiently productive” at any rate. If not... fukkit! Hey, a v-ton and TWO naproxen before bed? And I DID, in fact, sleep through the entire night, so... all's what-the-fuck-ever-it-is. - Now, for a bit of oatmeal. I'm wondering where the previous has gone because I should be “cleansing” but I'm not. Peeing a touch on the “darker” side last night and this morning though. I don't like that. And my chest? Well, 2 shots of Primatene last night and this morning... well... the phlegm is “OK”... but there's a “spreading pressure” across my chest, though nothing to slow me down. One of these days. But for now... “Schlager” plays, the day moves toward the forecast 29° and we shall see what's to come... when the day is done. - 12.09 Moved the Dianthus forward on the South side of the house, planted the Lupine seeds and watered all with Miracle-Grow. And I don't care where it goes from here, at this juncture. More tea is steeping for more iced-tea. And we're at 28°... and the breeze blowing through the house is warm, the humidity is slowly approaching. Then, according to forecast, Sunday? 18° for the high... 8° Sunday night. Honestly. - The only post today, the paper. Only interesting article: “Executive Order” from the Head Shit-bag giving businesses the “right” to refuse entry to people who aren't wearing some sort of face cover! When I think: he's the very one who shoved old folks into nursing homes at the beginning of what's being touted as a “deadly virus” KNOWING that it could kill them and yet, there are so many idiots in this state who follow his every grunt. There really is NO HOPE for humanity any longer. The parasites and vermin have taken control. (Makes it all the easier for me to accept my current “condition” and the hope to simply go to bed one night and just not wake the next morning.) - But it's been a morning of “Schlager” as I've been in and out of the house, doing here, doing there. But now, the “doing is done for the day”. I'd entertained the notion of a drive to Ticonderoga, but in 29-30° I shouldn't think so. No sense in REALLY heating the truck's engine and such. Tomorrow, if the mood strikes, I'll stop at the credit union, grab some cash, head to the dump and get rid of the garbage for the month. (If the mood passes... I won't bother. I still have 2 stickers and it can wait... I suppose.) - Oh... the oatmeal struck this morning too. Delightfully “emptying”. May it be helpful and “cleansing”. - Spoke with Jeff about the mower. Aggravating. He was standing at the PO with Alvin and when I walked out the door “You having trouble with the mower?” When I told him of the situation and asked about who it is that works on them, making it CLEAR... ABUNDANTLY... that I'll bring it for repairs, just needed to be sure as to where to bring it, he walked away! Then Alvin started chiming in about the glass in the window up-stairs, noting how it doesn't quite fit and as I explained the hornets, he too, walked away! Make statements, ask questions and when the response/reply/answer begins... walk away. It truly is like being in a “Special Education” class. - Anyway, I could use a nosh and nap. The nap is more enticing at present. At least I'm breathing and doing that fairly well-enough. The lawn is mowed. Things are planted. The out-side of the house looks “attended”. As for the rest? Fukkit. For now, anyway. - 20.57 Took a naproxen... having a v-ton and now... NOW... (on Saturday morning,9.56... I get to the “NOW...”) Being a hot and heavy day, lavage done (shirts, jeans, and such the likes), I sat to check the usual météo and soc.med. and as I open the e-mails I'm slapped with a message from GoFundMe...
“$100 donation received
Cynthia donated $100 to Old Guy With Truck Needs Repairs.
Say thank you...”
“Cynthia?” I thought, “What/how many 'Cynthias' do I know? Who, on social media, would have responded to this now, especially since I've taken the only account that listed it down? And then it struck me... NOT Cynthia MACK! It COULDN'T be! So I IMMEDIATELY went to the GFM site and THERE THE FUCK IT WAS... A little “avatar/circle” with the letters “CM” in, and sure as shit in the sheets... MACK! WTAF? The e-mail was timed at 10.32, the GFM was “Just Now”. PANIC! HOW IN FUX NAME DO I STOP THIS? REFUND? REVERSE? GET IT THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME? HOW? No phone numbers for GFM, no direct e-mail address, just a bunch of click for forms with “subject drop-downs” and the only reference to “REFUNDS” is to ALL contributors! I didn't want “ALL” just the ONE! Well... in an absolute spin, I posted TWO HORRIFIED PLEAS with telephone number and all the rest, BEGGING them to PLEASE EFFECT A REFUND IMMEDIATELY! I did NOT want that money transferred to my account... which was due any moment or any day or too soon for my comfort any way! (The only alternative I could think of, to get the money away from me was, if it had posted to my account, it would have been about 97$. I'd have to make the difference of 3$, plus the cost of a money order, the postage to post it to... I don't even know if the little shit is still at 19CTN! And it would have to be posted in a manner such that I could track it but where it couldn't be tracked back! Time! Money! Aggravation! FUCK HER!) Next? Messages sent, I went to the futon for a recovery... and the thought struck: DOROTHY! SHE has contact with that shit-whore... A text message to Georgia... “SO sorry to bug you, but you have contact with...” Not only has that wretch caused me the concern over the fucking GFM, but now I have to start with DOROTHY, asking favours! Well, Dorothy was sweet, said she'd “forward the message” and “I'm sorry you're mad at me...” So I replied with thanks and an assurance that I'm not “mad at”. (OK. The GOOD of this comes with a reconciliation between Dorothy and I, all's well again... with “I Love You”s all round, but... ) FINE. ALL that I COULD do at this point was done. The only thing left to do is wait and hope that my messages to GFM arrive BEFORE the funds get transferred to the banque. But for the time-at-hand, I was SICK over it!
At about 16.15 I decided, “franks and beans for meal, followed by ice cream, none of which I had in the house. I'd tried for another nap but of course, wasn't allowed the blessing, so... list jotted (I know, three items and I needed a “list”), accounts accounted, banques and FS, keys in hand, slipper-moccasins on feet, into the truck and up the road to market! Truly, quick in, quick out and quick back and indeed, meal was being devoured by ever-so-shortly after 17.00 with “The Five” for company. Of course, by 18.00, there was no evidence of any such “meal” and the heat of the day was retreating o'er the mountains as the sun lay lower on the horizon. A check of the e-mails, just because it's what I do and...
Time-stamp: 8:13pm... Stephanie at GFM:
Hi Judah,
Thank you for reaching out today!
I've issued that refund for your campaign, so your donor will receive an email confirmation to let them know that they will get 100% of their money back in 3-7 business days.”
&c...
Take care,
Stephanie
AND... another auto-message: “Please note: A refund of $100.00 has been issued for a donation made by Cynthia M... to... The donation amount has been removed from your account and will be returned to the donor within 3 to 7 business days.” DONE! CONFIRMED! REFUND EFFECTED! I TOOK A BREATH, SENT A MOST SINCERE, HUMBLE, CONTRITE REPLY TO “STEPHANIE”. I was SO VERY tempted to blurt the particulars as to why that refund was so important but I simply “implied” that her actions assured “peace” in the house-hold. (Part of my sickness over it all was the thought: If I have to send a money order, I'll have to send it with a “return address” and I do NOT want that... then there was the possibility of it being delivered to the house and discovered by “Ant'ny” and the shit would hit the fan or he'd simply steal it! The fucking shit-bags. After ALL these years, she comes in out of the no-where and causes MORE shit for me! It isn't bad enough I've had to deal with all of the Amazon bull-shit this week, now THIS? JEEZUS KRISTE! *** BUT *** IT'S OVER AND DONE WITH AND IN “3-7 BUSINESS DAYS” IT WILL NEVER HAVE HAPPENED. I can return to the bucolic serenity that is my existence in my little mountain shack in the wilderness. AMEN! FUCK!
Okie-dokie... THAT tragedy averted... after all the textings and an e-mail from Theresa, I decided to ring... and... the rest of the evening, into the night, into the following day was “chatting the hours away” LONG through the night until 3.30 on...

Sat.06.Jun: 9.49 I've got a SHIT-LOAD of “catching-up” to handle here this morning... after chatting with Theresa through the night (AGAIN) from about 21.00 (I had started to journal the day at “20.57”, and decided, because of multiple text-messages and an e-mail from Theresa, to phone her with opening line “We're not going to be able to talk long because I have only about 45% on this phone.” yeah... right) until 3.20 this morning... getting into bed at 3.33 (I remember that hour because of the way it looked on the clock) and not getting out of bed until 9.32... AND... THREE v-tons (AGAIN) during the phone-chatting. And now, with coffee at hand, doors and windows open to let in the HUMIDITY, and the cackling of what sounds SO much similar to an actual hen-house... with Ms. Becky cackling over the other hens, I return to yesterday... feeling “a bit of a shade hung-over... c'mon baby do a slow float, you're a good-lookin' river boat, and ain't that sweet of blindness... good to me” (or that's how I remember the lyrics anyway....) - 10.08 Just jotting and checking the météo... IT'S 20-FUCKING-FOUR DEGREES ALREADY! JEEZUS! - 12.33 Quite the morning has passed, with a visit from Jeff, a chat with Nancy, catching-up with yesterday's events and ordering “100 Selected Stories” of O.Henry because Theresa mentioned “The Last Leaf” and “Gift of the Magi” as we chatted last night. Another 7$ I need NOT spend but have done. AND... I hear from Hanna... Michael's in Plattsbugh has opened! ROAD TRIP... if/when I ever have money again... Michael's, Walmart and cheaper gas... and 80 miles on the truck... ponder... consider... - The sun is shining, the breezes are blowing, it's really quite delightful and I'm ready for a nap! My fingers are swollen and my chest is a bit “tight” but it's a lovely day... and time for a snooze. - I need to bake bread too. But... all things when... ever. - 12.58 Well... just posted the current affairs to the on-line Journals as the comfy breezes blow through the house and I'm about to have a snooze. Not really feeling all too well at the moment. “Episodic”, as it were. It's annoying, really, and not knowing what to do to stop it is aggravating. But a snooze, and if I wake, a stroll up to Nancy's to have a lookie-see at the screening work she was talking about... even this morning. Though Ms. BiddyVT's kid will be on premises so there's no particular rush... We shall see... - 15.15 Just in from a smoke on the porch in the brilliant sun-shine, low humidity, beautiful breezes. There's quite a few “Yellow Monarchs” around lately and as I sat on the chair, one came round, flew around my left arm, then around my legs, flew toward the PO, then around the South side of the house and back again. It did this about 3 times, all the while it was as if it was interested in me or something. But when I put my had out, it would fly away... and then come back. I thought of Joan, and wonder now if it isn't some sort of “sign” or “message”. Forgiveness? Assurance? Or “I'll be there to greet you.”? It just strikes me that this one came to me and left and returned more than once. So I looked-up “yellow Monarchs”, on-line. Most sites say that Monarchs are orange and not yellow. There's references to yellow “Swallowtails”, but they look nothing like the butterflies here, now. These are Monarchs, but they're yellow. - Interestingly, there's a site: “ryanhart.org/yellow-butterfly-meaning/” that gives “3 Spiritual Meanings of Yellow Butterflies”. Ryan Hart, so the site has it, “is a Christian writer, ordained minister, and believer in the power of prayer.” so I'll take that into careful consideration when I quote:
“Butterflies symbolize hope and transformation. .But when you see a yellow butterfly, it carries and additional message. You see, the color yellow represents energy, optimism, and joy. ...Seeing a yellow butterfly might be a positive sign of what it to come... (1) You Are About to Receive a Big Announcement: Seeing a big yellow butterfly is often a sign that you are about to receive very good news about your financial or romantic situation. This might be a welcome change for you. You are happy with how things are going in your life at the moment, but it's no secret that you enjoy a little variety to keep things interesting. When you get into a dull routine you start to feel trapped by the limits you've created for yourself. After all, you are a creative person and like to express yourself in many different ways. For some people change can be scary. But you are excited to see what opportunities this next chapter in life will bring. (2) You Will Be Reminded of a Childhood Memory: When you see a yellow butterfly this can be a message about your childhood. After seeing a butterfly it is not uncommon to be reminded of a memory or experience from your youthful days. For example, you might stumble across a toy or book you kept as a childhood memento. This will remind you of the happy times from your past. Butterflies may also deliver messages about someone from your past of childhood. If you have been thinking about a person you've lost contact with, seeing a small yellow butterfly might mean they are thinking about you as well. (3) You Will Have a Spiritual Experience: Yellow butterflies carry powerful spiritual messages. Beware that you may have a positive spiritual experience soon. Keep a lookout for signs such as answered prayers, miracles, or help from your guardian angel. Watch closely for messages from God that He is watching over you and hears your prayers. You are about to go through a period of enlightenment. If you've been looking for guidance about your purpose or direction in life, you will receive clarity. Seeing a black and yellow butterfly is often a sign that you are currently at a crossroad in your life. You have worked hard to get where you are but now are feeling trapped by your success. God has a special plan for you and is working to guide you in the right direction. You may have a spiritual awakening that answers the big questions you have been struggling with.
So, well now... “Spiritual Experience”? “Big Announcement”? Announcement that my recent spate of “episodic discomforts” are leading to the “Spiritual Experience” of dropping dead... soon? One never knows until one knows. Meanwhile, apparently these butterflies are “Eastern Tiger Swallowtail” but is sure isn't easy to find information on them. Still... here we have it, I've noted (in the event that anybody EVER sees ANY of all of this after I'm either hauled out of here on the way to dead or after Death has come round for the “visit.”
And mean-while, I've had a bowl of oatmeal at about 15.00, I can't believe it's already 15.54 as I type this. It was a GORGEOUS day that I've pissed away in the house. I'd like to get a “chaise longue” for the yard... lay in the sun-shine. If I'm still around for this month's income (and there's any left after the bills), maybe I'll just have to break-down and head to Walmarde (how I hate the very thought) and get one... and a bit of sun-shine... and a bit of a tan (on the legs for the first time in YEARS... and maybe the sun-shine will help with general health or push some-thing along even quicker). - Almost time for “meal” again. Franks and beans it is again. (And I'm cutting back on my salt intake. See if that doesn't help with the puffing and stuff. Who knows? But I will NOT go running off to an MD!) - Now to explain the itching... back, arms, hands, crotch... strange. - 16.59 SOMETHING JUST ATE THE DIANTHUS AT THE CORNER OF THE PORCH! IT WAS THERE, NICELY, THIS MORNING, WHEN I WATERED EVERYTHING AND JUST NOW I SEE... ***NOTHING*** AT ALL IS LEFT OF IT! NOT EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF EVIDENCE THAT IT WAS EVER THERE! THIS IS PISSING ME OFF! - 23.34 No v-tons or naproxen tonight. I'm itching and I need to know why. And I'm up too much later than I want to be, but am about to brush teeth and head to bed. - We had HORRIFIC WIND AND RAIN at dinner hour. There's a bit of rain now but it seems rather calm. - This Journal is so current on-line at the moment. And I've gotten “Nordländer” on “Loop”, Twtr and Gab tonight. Here we go. - RECEIVED REPLY FROM THE B'DAY E-MAIL TO THE VTQ! HALLIE HAD A 5lb MASS REMOVED FROM HER SIDE. MINOU IS DOING VERY WELL! A DEER HIT THE TRUCK AND IT'S BEING REPAIRED. And I'll leave it all at that. I'M SO RELIEVED AND YET HEART-SICK MISSING THE LITTLE ONES. - No “feed-back” on the NbgBitch fiasco. Leaving that alone as well. - And as for ME? Breathing is “hurtful”. Coughing is down but the chest and such... not so good. I'm going to try the zinc every other evening now. the 50mg is on the very high end of a daily and there's much documented about side/untoward effects. Maybe that's the itching? We shall see. Meanwhile, the chest is heavy. - On that note... it's warm in the house tonight, windows closed for the most part. I'm leaving it this way considering the rains. And now? Off to brushing and then to bed. Tomorrow's Sunday... no PO! Let's see how it all rolls out when it's done.

Sun.07.Jun: 8.07 and up and out of bed at 7.27 on this sun-filled, blue-skyed, 13°, HEAVY-chested morn. Bed linens on the soak, delusions of travel for some reason (unknown) floating through the mind, in from a smoke and a check of the flowers that took a beating in yesterday's storms, wondering if the missing flowers weren't intentionally clipped (perhaps by some disgruntled postal carrier), and, generally speaking, feeling ever-so quite “episodic”, which is a shame, really, because when I got out of bed, I was feeling rather “well”. Charming, to be sure, to go to bed at night, rather concerned as to whether or not one will wake the following morning, and waking the next day wondering if one will still be breathing Earth's sweet air at bed-time. Indeed, there's something terribly not correct going on... and (a) I can't afford to have it checked, (b) I don't want the annoyance of “treatments” or surgeries that will do nothing but prolong the inevitable. And there we have it... another day. - 10.07 Bed linens are hanging to dry. Have been “cleaning-out” the fridge, “chicken broth” and the likes. Counter set-up for bread-making, and I'm SO SO SO “just not here”. It's rather interesting... light-headed and the likes. (And I'm seeing a little light flashing on this lap-top as I type... something I've never noticed before... the “charging” light... flashing. Hmmm... lap-top on the “Death Bed” as well this morning?) - Had a hefty BM this morning. But a sharp “jab” in the right side after a cough. Collapsed lung? Oh... the possibilities are boundless. And now... back to the loo for more “movements” as the eggs and such come to “room temperature” and bread to be made in short order. Not sure why, but there seems to be a burst of some sort of “energy” this morning and a compulsion to “put affairs in order”. - Meanwhile... in the garden, the potatoes are looking quite good, the beets that WERE coming up rather heavily are “thinning”. ONE bean plant and the tomatoes are... well... they're “there”, let's just say that much about the matter. Flowers, veggies... failures. It's rather as if “Life” is just telling “Don't bother”. Well, if anything comes of the garden, there will be others who, if they're so moved, can “harvest”. As for the flowers? Well... as it is with all in Creation... “This too shall pass”. - Moving along... in my Sherpa hoodie... it's about 18° I imagine and I'm “chilled”. “There's a change a-comin'.” - 13.56 Interesting... Bread is in the oven on the bake. I've changed the catch on the kitchen window (Alden left one for the place when I got here... almost a year ago and I'm JUST getting to it). The place is in order. The linens are in the door-way waiting for the radiator. I've been listening to radio l'Éstrie (all bull-shit about “contra la racisme”... morons). It's been quite chilled in here all day. Took an hour's snooze. BUT... FASCINATING.... AS LONG AS I KEEP MOVING ABOUT, PUSHING MY-SELF, THE PAIN TURNS TO MERE DISCOMFORT. Yeah... CHF. - Anyway... now, waiting for the bread to finish so I can run for smokes and weather-stripping for the kitchen window before the next storm and then? “Meal” into the oven and away goes another day. Fuck. More time... zipped by. I just hope my linens are dry enough when it's time to get to bed. (Oh... the “goals” of a day.) - 21.13 I'm almost just up from an hour's snooze! NOT a great idea, but, with “health” being what it is these days, I'm still weary. The bed needs to be made and I'd like a quick shower before getting into it, and so, here I sit, at table, wishing I could have a tea before but not daring to because of the “fluid”. IF, in fact, these troubles ARE “CHF”, I need to eliminate the salt again AND cut back, quite drastically on the fluid intake, AND keep mind of the kidneys and the flushing there-of. Well, oh my. - But, I take comfort in having gotten out of the house today and into town, to get 2 packets of smokes and the weather-stripping for the kitchen window and on Thursday, when “Justin” is in, I'll bring the mower to him for a look-over and hopefully, repair. We shall see... if I'm even mobile (let alone, breathing) on Thursday. - Depressing news today: Wednesday's shipments are in the hands of the USPS! EVEN THE FAN! I'm NOT at all, in the least, happy, nor comfortable with this news. Looking forward to a GRAND BATTLE! ONE DING on a box and I'm off to the Fed and the inspectors to be certain. Oh well.. Not that I have the time. I mean, the time to have and enjoy the shipments. But as with all... “Time” will tell. - I don't know WHAT the fuck they're doing next door tonight but the floors are rolling here because of it. 21.19 and NOW they decide to start fucking about. I really can't bitch (much) though. For the most part, they're quiet. But at this hour, it's a touch un-nerving, And she's getting all “vocal” and it's coming through the kitchen wall. (Though, I have to wonder if my all-night chats with Theresa don't do the same when I'm in the kitchen.) - Anyway... on we go. The house has been “saged” tonight too. That's over-due. But it's done. May it cleanse this place of what-ever it is that ails. - Off to prep... for the close of yet, another day. - 22.46 Running extremely late, of course. I tried to sign-up for UPS “MyChoice” service today, hoping to re-direct the packages directly through UPS and NOT USPS but the fucking address won't take because of the Pee-Oh again! Tried contacting UPS via phone... but it's all computer shit as usual. So? So... Time wasted. But the bed's made and ready for me. And I've taken a naproxen, as a blood thinner, primarily, and am now heading to the shower. I just wish I had something less “drying” to wash with. I ITCH so terribly. That's a symptom of kidney trouble, but my urine is light enough. I'll have to make certain to drink more during the day, keep “active” to keep it flushing and then cut at night. And the zinc is every-other day now. Meanwhile, the house is in order (in case I don't wake up tomorrow) so that's a relief, and the linens are fresh (as if that makes much difference considering the loss of bowel/bladder), so there we have it. - Tomorrow? Perhaps some yard-work. I COULD paint the drawing-room. I SHOULD stop up at Paul and Nancy's. I SHOULD go to the river for “tree water”. Shopping is out of the question because, well, there's just no funds for such luxury. Oh well... just as with other days... that too, shall pass, as this one has done. (There's chicken cooked and in the fridge... I baked 4 pieces tonight... had two, with veggies... no dessert... until Tuesday now.) - SHOWER! DONE!

Mon.08.Jun: 8.12 Aaaaand... last night it was “to bed” at 23.35 and reading until almost 1.00... THEN, for some reason, I was awake again at about 4.30, “fully rested” but dozed back off until 5.15 which is when I got up and by 5.30 was up and about and the lap-top was up and running, coffee, dressed, smoke and all the “morning routine”... until 7.12 which is when I went for a lie-down on the futon and from which I'm up again. If it all keeps along this line, it's going to be an interesting day... with lots of snoozes, I should think. But, other-wise, there really isn't much (if anything) on the agenda. I've already checked “shipping statuses” for parcels which are still being listed with Wednesday delivery (though they're still going through USPS and I still do NOT feel comfortable about that in the least). And speaking of “comfortable”... in the least, although it's not a “healthy” or “perfect” or “comfortable” morning, it's not as bad as it has been on other mornings... heart-wise. Yes, a touch “light in the head/weak in the rest”, still itching in the pit and crotch (still can't figure the cause in the crotch!), but, this is one of those “I just might make it through this one” sort of mornings... in spite of the chill... and indeed, there IS a “chill”... in spite of the sun-shine and indeed, there IS sun-shine. - Noting... MORE of the Dianthus on the south-side of the house are gone this morning! I NEED to find SOME sort of flower, red, AND I'm going to get some of that castor-oil stuff for moles and see if that doesn't help. Mayhaps I'll take a trip today? Ticonderoga? I need to check the RiteAid there anyway... for Primatene (which seems to help with the sleeping and the “morning after”, when taken before bed). - And bed... last night... CLEAN LINENS and CLEAN ME! “Monthly bathing and cleaning”... - OK... there's still more coffee (cold by now) to finish and some-thing, I'm sure, I'll think of to get to to keep... busy. - 14.30 And... for the past three-plus hours I've been demolishing the remnants of the dirt pile, managed to break-down the larger limbs at what began as a “compost” pile in the back. The “fire-wood” for the “fire-pit” is truly too large and needs to be “attended” (one of these days, should I survive). And I'm DONE for the day! TO be sure. My chest and throat are “tight”, so I'm calling it “a day's exercise”. Having an iced tea. - 18.10 Two pieces of cold, baked chicken (one PEPPERED) with a “quick beet salad/cold borscht because I added garliced sour cream... YUM) and to be honest, am feeling quite well at the moment. Food? Exercise? What? AND, I replaced the door catch for the front door with the one that was here already (Alden) and thus far, it's working very well again. I'm ALMOST tempted to cut the large limbs in the back... but not quite. I need to get to the river to get water for the trees... AND THE AVOCADO HAS NEW LEAVES TODAY! But am considering. - BAD NEWS: THE FAN HAS BEEN HANDED TO THE USPS IN PLATTSBURGH! IT SHOULD ARRIVE TOMORROW AND I'M DREADING THE CONDITION AND THE NEED TO RETURN IT! FUCK! We shall see... - Odd... just this morning I was thinking it's time for NYSEG to ask for a reading and just now... DING! And it's DONE. - OK. Now... for the rest of this evening and... what-ever. Shower tonight though... indeed. I'm itching again... but it's more as if it's something from the back yard. ICK! - 20.38 Back from getting water... at the falls! Trapsed over the Germain's yard (since they're trapped in QC until the 21st) and pulled it directly from the falls! Crystal clear and WARM! Only trouble... “no-see-ums”! Biting and itching! I got some photos and a couple videos and came back, had a smoke with the Hummies, sent the photos to Dorothy, Donna and Theresa and now, in the kitchen for peanut-butter samich and iced tea and naproxen before bed. (Was thinking v-ton but not... No tonight Josephine.) Quite the day! Comfy. But the bosqweetoes are murderous! - Tomorrow... FOOD (stamps)! And we'll see if the fan arrives and if so... in what condition. (I almost want to puke from the anxiety of it. Fucking morons at the USPS!) SHIT! - Never mind... the day is done. A shower and to bed quite soon. And feeling rather “OK”... after all the “exercise”. - 22.18 and I've done it again... got wrapped in videos and passed the evening into night. Well? At least I can say that I'm feeling better. Exercise and naproxen. I have to wonder: after all the naproxen that I took in VT, did I thin my blood out to the point where not taking the “thinners” caused some complications? Did it start to clot? Is there a clot in there some-where and when it “lodges” is when I have trouble? The exercise helps, working in the yard. Cutting back on my water intake (that I was using to keep the kidneys flushed) seems to help too. Too much water? Too much “flushing”? Too much fluid in the body? Along with thicker blood? Who knows? Although, I'm not being “positive” about it and not lower the guard. One of these days... especially if there IS a clot some-where. Maybe that too, was the cause of the “pain in the neck” that got me to the CT scan. So many possibilities and none that I care to investigate. - That said, time to jump into a shower, wash away today's frolic in the dirt and leaves and off to bed. I've had a peanut-butter samich and some iced-tea. In from a smoke on the porch and to the shower and to bed. Tomorrow? We'll see if there is one.

Tue.09.Jun: 7.22 (FAN ARRIVED) Feeling well and coughing clots... reminiscent of the “Tilden Days”, I must say. Were it not for the fact that, should it be more “serious”, I don't want to know (better to surmise, assume), I might go off to an ER for antibiotics. But, we shall see. I'm up and about, lights went out at 23.30 or so, up at 2.00-ish with right leg contractions and back to bed to sleep through the 5.00 alarm and woke just before the 7.00. OK. Up. Dressed. In from smoke. Rain in the forecast for today through Thursday and I've no complaints... yet. But the day is young. Now? Off to check the status of “deliveries”. The fan, they say, was passed to the local carrier (USPS) YESTERDAY morning at about 10.40. Yesterday? Let's see where it is TODAY. Shall we then? Oh, let's shall... Back in a while, then. - 7.37 Quite the load of bollocks, this “Tracking” bull-shit. BOTH, the UPS AND THE USPS... The turmeric is still unaccounted-for. Tahini, iron-ons and olive oil? In Plattsburgh, transferred from UPS to USPS YESTERDAY. Same situation with the salmon, tuna, coffee and juices. BUT THE FAN? Was “handed-over to” USPS in Plattsburgh YESTERDAY MORNING... WHICH, TO MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE USPS, MEANS THAT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN/SHOULD BE IN ELIZABETHTOWN EVEN AS I TYPE! DUE DAY? TODAY, ACCORDING TO UPS... TOMORROW ACCORDING TO USPS. SO... WE'RE WATCHING. It's all bollocks and bull-shit and pisses me off. But... as with all... “Time”. - And so, as the morning progresses greyly, and the temperature is 15, going to 20 going to 13 tonight, the rains are due at any moment and I need to clip my toe-nails, move some parsley and basil to a garden (to watch it wither and die as all things, save the potatoes, have done...) and then? With the sounding of the 8.00 alarm... there's a coffee at hand... Moving along. - 8.00 on the point as some-body's out there mowing the fucking grass across the road... AT 8.00? SERIOUSLY? NOT AT 9.00? Oh well... never mind. But it's making me sneeze. BUT THE BITCH DU JOUR AT THE MOMENT? ABE BOOKS TOOK AN ADDITIONAL 6 CENTS ON THE O'HENRY BOOK ORDER WHICH ISN'T DUE UNTIL THE 26TH! IT'S THE “EXTRA CHARGE” WITH-OUT AUTHORISATION! OK... A MATTER TO ATTACK TODAY. (Not that it'll do any good... FUCK!) - Rolling along... just rolling along... - 10.34 FAN ARRIVED... I was sitting at table, sending a bitch-note to USPS about Ms. Becky parked DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE FRONT DOOR, when Ms. Suzie called “I have a parcel for you.” So I went to get it AND was kind enough to tell her of the possible large and heavy parcels due tomorrow. Well? The fan is larger than I'd thought, there's only 2 “actual” speeds on it (the “High” isn't as “high” as the one at 5199, as I can recall), but it's quite fine enough... I mean, I'm not going to have it for 10 years... I won't “be” for 10 years). And it's all set-up, after a HELL of a time trying to put the batteries into the remote (which I just HAPPENED to have and don't know why but...) - ANYWAY... OF NOTE: I went to thank Ms. Suzie for calling to me and to tell her that, should the heavy parcels come tomorrow, she should let me know and I'll get them out of the truck for her and her remark? ”Well, you got your mail. You say you don't get it.” YEAH? WELL, DARLING, THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF ATTITUDE YOU WANT TO TAKE WITH ME. AS I TOLD HER “I was trained by the post-masters from Hell and I have no tolerance for misplaced and mishandled mail. Nobody's blaming YOU, but some-where along the line, mail isn't going to where it should be.” Says she Suzie “Nancy's not getting her mail either.” FINE! Let the battle-grounds ROAR! I'm fucking fed-up with the bull-shit. Thank you. - Meanwhile, it's drizzly and grey and chilly and I've got a lovely new fan... as I sit here in my Sherpa. - 11.18 Bed-room window screen secured (needed a couple of brads... as it were, to close the “gap”). The parsley and basil from the pots are in the kitchen garden (probably to die). I have to check the FS balance and, at some point in time, head into town for “provisions”. Not “emergency”, at this juncture, but may as well as I'm able. And there's no “yard-work” to be done today. Not only is it damp... just the few moments out there and I'm itching! “No-see-ums” in the hair, under the cap... just SO MANY little prickly itches! So? So... a day of dodging those. - Meanwhile, of note, Ms. Suzie's in a pissy attitude this morn. Too bad. I happen to know her job better (indeed). No like? Tough shit. Just deliver the mail and that'll be fine. - And the band plays on, - 21.22 Night... Meal was angel hair, garlic, pepper, cheese. Dessert: bread, chocolate syrup and peanut-butter. - Evening's been “solemn”... got into a rut of Peter, Paul and Mary tunes,, Theresa sent and e-mail with link to a song “Old Folks”. Said it reminded her of me. - Other than that? The sun came out. The temperature rose. It's cooler now. No need for the fan tonight. (Good, saves on the electric.) - Probably a quick shower. Maybe not. I'm itching. Kidneys? It's a symptom. Hives? Can't figure a cause. Zinc? Who knows? Naproxen time though and then... bed. I'm tired. Been stuck on the videos all evening.

Wed.10.Jun: (Double-digit Day... already! Another month is slipping by so bloody quickly!) 8.44 and there's a wash hanging on the rack on the back porch, I've run through and replied to an e-mail from Theresa, checked some soc.med., coffee at hand, dressed, in and out of the house, the front porch is “minted” against the yellow-jackets that have already appeared this rather “comfy-warm”, slightly hazy morning. I'm walking round here, curtains closed against the idiot Becky and troupe and pondering whether or not to make a run for it... preferably to Plattsburgh, for a red pen and “items” from the likes of Lowes and Walmarde there-at. I don't much want to make that run, because of the truck, because of the registration, because of my general heatlh. Bowels are a bit “off” this morning (no wonder, with the aggravation of the Pee-Oh and shipments due this morning and such). Chest is, comparatively speaking, rather some-what “well” this morning. But the head's a bit “not here, nor there”. That could be the naproxen... or a multitude of so many other things. I dread the notion of getting on the open road (be it the 9 or the Northway) and “taking a seizure” or “coronary” or any-thing untoward of the sorts. Ah... “fucking old”. I could get to the back yard again. There's “cleaning” that needs to be done back there. Can't burn any of the twigs and branches this morning, due to the breezes. I COULD paint the drawing room or the kitchen. I don't much feel like being so bollocksed. And then... there's the matter of the Primatene... and a Rite Aid (Plattsburgh... on the “flats” or Ticonderoga o'er the mountains). It seems to be making matters better with the breathing and such. Oh well... the only way, once again, to know for certain, how this day will be is when it has been. So... step by step... just keep moving along. - Time to check the status of the shipments... another item I've come to dread... being mis-handled by the USPS. Fucking qunts, the lot of them. - 8.55 Just checked the status of the “groceries” orders which, until now, were due to arrive today and it appears that they all arrived in Plattsburgh last night... not indication that they've been sent along so it would appear that they won't be delivered until tomorrow? But I hear Ms. Suzie has arrived (the shit commences to be sure). We shall see. I'm not expecting things to go well... perhaps I'll be pleasantly shocked... though I seriously doubt it. Well... I'll finish coffee, see what's to come. - Fuck. - 10.034 Well... groceries and iron-ons arrived today. Suzie actually brought them over and knocked on the door! I'm... well... I wish I could say I'm impressed and thrilled but the Tahini was semi-opened so that's a bitch. And I went to the box to get the letters and there's ANOTHER “Informed Delivery” code! And Nancy and Alvin were bitching about Trump... my fingers tingle. We're going into seclusion. I've had more than I can stand of the stupidity. Anyway... there's juice and olive oil in the house again. That's good. AND SALMON AND TUNA... FISH, for a change. Tonight's meal? Fritters! I got eggs! I need dessert. So we shall see what we shall see. And I see a run into town in a while... wire to make a “perch” for the hummie-feeder, dessert... and such... or not... or... maybe... or. - Yeah... I'm going to keep to the house and away from the idiots... in masks. Morons. - Moving along.... - 16.11 Managed to make it into town... for wire for the hummie-feeder, which, surprise... not... Aubuchon's didn't have. So I toddled to the market, got chicken, more eggs, beets and tomato paste, pepper... stuff I do need, I suppose and then to FamDoll for smokes and shower-gel that doesn't dry the skin (not that I “needed” but... I went for a spray bottle to make “tobacco tea” and they didn't have a one), and then... back to the home-stead to put some poly-glue on the broken door-frame and prep and freeze the chicken. And now? Here I am. - The “Glade” fresheners are due to arrive, via UPS, at some point (as I sit to eat, I've no doubt). Can hardly wait... what-ever. - Note du jour: Theresa's in a “Giving-up to the Lord” sort of day, music and story about “being at the end” and “at peace”. I have to wonder... am I bringing her down? She claims she's delighted to have met me, that I'm doing her a world of good with my attitude on dying and such. Maybe? I don't know for certain. I never know “for certain”. But... there's an exchange in music and it's quite the “flash-backs”. Yeah... she's 62. It's that “over 60” and not in the “best of health”... I know THAT so well. Oh well. We shall see where this all goes. - This morning's lavage is still on the rack. Jeans are still wet. I hope my little iron works on the iron-ons now. That too is a “We shall see”. - Looks like I need to get the guts to go to Ticonderoga. Not tomorrow, I shouldn't think. Rain and I have to bring the mower into town. I NEED THAT! (More money spent!) - For now, we “settle-in”, waiting for “meal”. I've got 4 eggs beaten with seasoning and a tin of tuna with some flour, “setting” in the fridge. Hey! Tonight I have ice cream... AND cranberry juice! Doing rather well, all things considered. - 22.59 Time for bed. But the house is smelling quite nice with the new fragrances that arrived, via Corey, this evening at about 19.00. Three of them going... strong. - I'm tired. No naproxen tonight (giving it a rest), no shower... let's see how the night goes. Tomorrow? Lawn mower to town (and hopes that it isn't going to be buying another one... but... if only 40$... not too bad.) - Meal wasn't bad. Wasn't great either. But filling. And the damned ice cream is almost gone already (more from town tomorrow?) - Soc.med. is done and so am I.

Thu.11.Jun: 7.27 21° with 95% humidity and a gentle drizzle... and HEAVY! I don't recall having heard the 5.00 alarm this morning, but, according to the phone, it DID sound. I read a bit before going to sleep last night, didn't get up during the night. No naproxen, no v-ton... wow... and here I am... up and dressed and the morning routine under-way... what-ever that means. But “heavy”... the air, the heat, the me, the world. Goodness. 25 for the high today.. 12 for the low tonight. Then? 23 for tomorrow's high and 7 for the low. Mower? I don't know that Justin will be there in the rain, considering he's got nothing but a little shack in the lot. Besides, working on a mower in the rain? Tomorrow's to be cooler (a touch) and clear. I'll put it on tomorrow's agenda and figure today's as I go along. No “yard-work” today, to be sure. So? We'll just consider it a day of... and move along. - I see Theresa sent a few messages last evening... leg troubles, having a tough time of it. We could go tit-for-tat I suppose, but I don't... won't... bother. One thing I've never understood is the “weight”... At times I feel I'm being judgmental, when people complain about foot-to-leg difficulties and they're obviously quite over-weight. But then, even Donna says the same of Dorothy. D. and T. have all these “difficulties” and with that, clinically “morbidly obese” and yet, though they probably could do something about the weight, they don't. I don't understand that. Then again, there's me... “mal-nourished”... most of my entire life-time, and even at that, the lungs and heart don't want to be bothered. Oh well... “To each his own... that's my philosophy”... I've got things to consider for my own life-term. Oh... alas. - OK. So here we are, with another day. Let's see how it rolls. Walmarde? Plattsburgh? Ticonderoga? New Russia? E-town? No-where? What-ever. Tonight's meal. No dessert again, really. Alas. Oh well... On we go... as it gets warmer yet. But then... there's the fan! And... the place is “scented”... (I look forward to that wafting out through the windows... The one in the loo scents the back porch... I've no doubt the rest will scent the front... it goes along with my “bitch-fest” with the Pee-Oh... Timing...) - Onward... let's see what adventures await between here and the horizon of evening. - 22.08 THANK THE GODS THE RENT CHEQUE CLEARED!!!! (just noticed) - Mower's in for service and I'm debating about making an “illumination” for Theresa for her birthday tomorrow. Am I tired? No, not really. Do I want to make art? Well... no, not really. What do I want to do? I don't know. BUT THE RENT CHEQUE CLEARED and I'm thrilled. - 22.20 I've decided... going to bed. - Received an e-mail with the rent notification: Theresa's looking at air-fares to NY... beginning of July! 303$ RT to Plattsburgh! JEEZUS! Not bad in the pricing but... WHERE will she stay? She needs a special bed with all her aches and such. I've got the truck for travel and climbing into and out of it? Well... she's been in bed for the past 2-3 days as it is. Oh well... no sense in worrying about it now. At least it gives her something to be jolly about. (Oh... and she sent SO MANY text messages earlier that I had to turn the phones off... admitting to being stoned. Hopefully that's what's done it. Hopefully.) - Meanwhile, I'm SO ITCHY! Fingers, chest, I can't figure it. I know itching is a sign of kidney trouble but I'm peeing OK. Oh... maybe it's the tea tree oil? And that's down to every now and again... and that “tag' is looking rather terrible. CA? Probably. Oh... I just can't care any more. - Well... off to bed. The day's done. Even Alvin said, earlier, when we chatted at his garden: time goes by so quickly. (Hell! We're looking at 4th July already! SHIT! Not that it makes any difference to anything anyway.) - I'm going to bed. The fan's in the window. The thermostat works anyway. So? So... there we have it. Another day... gone. - BUT too... then again... I DID MAKE IT TO THE SPLIT ROCK FALLS en route back from the mower. Photos to be added... and video... tomorrow.

Fri.12.Jun: 7.46 and... it's... “tomorrow”... again. And I heard the 5.00 alarm... and didn't bother with it, even though I woke, of my own, at about 4.45. I waited for the alarm and then went back to sleep, with-out even getting out of the bed until... some time after 7.00. Sun-shine, blue skies, a cool morn, and up we got, hacking little clots of ick. Ah yes, it's another “tomorrow”. Arm-pit itches, torso itches, nose drips, and head spins. Lovely. It's a lovely day, lovely day, luv lee day. No better nor worse than many other luv lee days. And so, we have some “Hours” to fill, to pass, to ... what-ever. - Theresa's birthday today. She, 63. Me, soon to be 65... IF I manage to haul me through to that. - What-ever will be, will be. I can't be bothered. - I wonder if the mower will be ready today. I wonder how much it's going to cost to get it back. I wonder if I'll go to Ticonderoga for wire to make perches for the hummies and get a red ball-point pen to make manual registres for the chequing/savings/banque accounts. Ah... banque accounts... 2 banques, 3 accounts with money in them. Rent is paid, bills are paid, food in the house, gas in the truck. All those things that “normal” folks have. All these years and it's all here... just in time for me to (probably) have an “episode”, lay down on the floor and bleed-out or something of the sort, leaving it all behind. “Ah... well... he left the house in such good order.” Oh, fine. After all, I had the spectacular lesson from mother: 21 years of miserable marriage, a few years of sowing late oats, then a spiffy new marriage with NY-FLA and boating on the Intra-coastal between them and? KaBLAM! Gone. “At least her last years were enjoyable.” Never mind an enjoyable life-time... it's the “last years”... and I'll get ONE... just one. As Emmie put it, “Some people get what they need and a little more. Other people get what they need and nothing more.” Oh, no sense being bitter or angry about it. It's rather very much like yesterday's drive back from Split Rock thinking: Once upon a time, this road (the 9) was THE major route that everybody took between NYC and MTL. 2 lanes wide, twisting and turning round the mountains, hills, along the rivers. And look at it today; 2 lanes full of patches where it's wearing away, Nature taking it back, or at least trying to do so. Rains and snows, heat and cold, water and ice, breaking it all down, washing it away. Then there's this little old house, first appearing on tax rosters in 1816. That's 204 years ago, darling. The original timbers are dried-out, the joists and beams are decaying. The place shifts so that the windows aren't “plumb” with much of anything and the doors do-and-don't open and close from time-to-time. Meanwhile, in The City... pre-wars have cracks in the ceilings and walls and plumb-lines on those are askew as well, though some are slightly more than less, others slightly less than more. Concrete crumbles... look at MTL for perfect example. And all this while, in the back yard, beside the garage, a 16-year old truck, another “dream-turned-reality” (the truck... not its age) gives cause for concern if the trip is more than 20km from here to there, and the reason there's a “savings account” at all is because of a loan to cover the costs of replacement parts and repairs... “medical for metal”. The truck too, hacks clots, as it were. Trite as it is, cliché as it may be, the truth and fact of the entire matter of absolutely ALL things, no matter what they are, right down to the massive old trees in these ever-eroding mountains is... “NOTHING” at all is “eternal”. So many people before have come and gone. Mountains crumble and are worn to plains. Trees topple. Lakes, rivers, even the seas, shift, change, dry up, dry out. When I was born, somebody else died. “Died”... it's that word. And all the while, we, people, are bamboozled, flummoxed, shit-fed into some sort of desire to “find the reason for existing” when, in fact, there is no reason, no cause, no actual “need” for our existence at all. We come into being, just as do birds, bugs, mammals, flowers, trees, grasses, shit-in-general, we “do”, move about, re-arrange things, change things, create things, destroy things and leave. Allegedly there once was a “Moses”, an “Abraham”... some sort of “Adam” and an “Eve”. Once upon a time, allegedly, there was an “Americus Vespucci”, “Christopher Columbus”, “Jesse James”... Then there were the “Franz”, “Christina”, “Dionysus” (and here it's come... a name that's been pushed so deeply into my once-memory that I can't pull it out this morning)... anyway... they “were” here and now they're not. Oh well... everybody takes a turn... Here you are... Here you aren't... And in the long run... whether you were or weren't makes no difference at all to any thing at all. And everybody, every thing, takes it's turn to come... and to go. Yep, one of these days, an “episode”... the very best I can hope for is that the departure is just “then”, at the moment, quick as leaving and closing the door behind. Don't bother locking... what's left behind is of no use at all being carried along... no use at all ... exactly like the fact that, for all those years you worried, got angry, were annoyed, literally fought and battled for this and that, gave it the “best try” (or not) and ultimately, the result, the ends of the means of the efforts of the struggles... Gone. The breezes of “Time” will blow even the memory of “you” away... exactly in the same manner as they blow dead leaves from sight... and like dead leaves... body and being and memory of both get blown away as well. - 8.23 Time for serious coffee and stop this nonsense. The Pee-Oh will be opening soon and the shit will begin filt'ring by. Another day... another “tomorrow”... I've got to pee. - 8.53 Just in from what was to be my “last smoke” until the idiots leave and there, on the South post of the porch... A LUNA MOTH!!! BEAUTIFUL! 10cm ACROSS! Of course, I took photos.

And Nancy came driving by so I called to her to come see it. And when Suzie Postal arrived, she came to see too and... of ALL the... what-ever, she gave it a stroke. Have to touchie-touchie. Meanwhile... flash-backs to New Prospect... another little place I loved much, and the HUGE Luna Moth on the side of the house that night... And Nancy tells that she's had quite a morning already. The bears got at her bird-feeders again and made a mess. (She and Paul are heading to Albany this morning... Albany... they just go back and forth... imagine... 1974... 419 Quail... as if... And back then, Albany was so far from any place I knew and today, it's the same area code, and folks just roll along to it. Lewis was, to me, then, the “hinter-lands”, a stop on the empty high-way. The Northway was desolate, a stretch through the wilderness, for hours and hours on end, miles and miles with-out number. BY GOD! WHO would have EVER thought? Certainly not me. To be sure, indeed. - Oh well... - Already on the texts with Theresa. I'd sent her that e-mail suggesting a “visit” come September... she says she agrees. And the moth made a lovely “Happy Birthday” beginning message this morning. So... And she seems a bit “closer to Earth” this morning. Yeah... stoned last night. - Meanwhile, I await the arrival and departure of Ms. Becky and the shit-slinging. Ms. Suzie's come, her parcels and she in the office. There's a “distance” this morning. I shouldn't doubt the little “bitch-fest” was in full swing up at the E-Town postal brothel this morning. I don't give a shit. The front door is now officially closed until... They can all piss-off. Door's closed and so am I. - Next, to wait for word on the mower. If it's done today, I can give it a “test run” and “trim” the lawn. That would be very nice. But for right now? More coffee and a sort through the photos and some on-line posting of Journals. “Things”... to “do”. How charming. - 24.10 Finished the 2nd v-ton... Meal was quite good. I'd gone into town, got a nozzle for the hose and some provisions, including Brussels sprouts which I had with tonight's chicken. Quite lovely. - Shortly after, the Luna moth was gone... I hope in safety. (On Saturday morn... from notes:) The poor moth had held tightly to the pillar all through the day, blasted by some pretty heavy gusts. - O. Henry arrived this evening, as I was having meal. (More about that in a moment.) When Corey came to deliver the book, I brought the moth to his attention, mentioned that it'd been there all day. His comment was that it was no wonder it stayed. It probably didn't want to be bashed by all the wind and that pillar was a good place until it all calmed-down. Well, I could understand that. That was at about 17.30 or so... by 18.30, I stepped out for after meal smoke and to clean the hummie-feeder and the moth was gone. - Funny little anecdote: After sweeping the front porch (the winds were so strong today they actually blew bird seed out of that feeder), I went across to the “park” to check on some “leaves” to make certain none of them were the moth. As I was looking about, Alvin came up from his river-stroll and asked “Sweeping the streets before we roll them up for the night?” It just struck me as quite funny. (Earlier, when I'd come back from market, he came over to say “I wasn't aware but we're in some kind of harmony. When you left, I was taking the kayak off the car and was standing just so. Your truck isn't quiet and makes a certain noise that echoed inside the kayak.” I, of course, admitted that the truck does have a certain sound, but that it's no-where even NEAR the noise of some others that come by from up the hill. I'm not sure: was his just a passing comment, why did he go out of his way to come mention it, or was it a complaint in disguise? We shall never know... or maybe we shall... but we shaln't ever give a shit. And we move along.) - And so, the “nectar” in the larger feeder is now fresh (from the fridge) and I took care to clean it up very well. - It was a day of many “text messages” from Theresa today, mostly this morning, almost to the point of announce again. I don't mind the messages, (and I put in much time sending e-mails too, today) but she's one of those who sends one sentence or phrase with each message... and it's a constant “buh-link” over and over again... one after the other, instead of sending a complete thought in one message (or at least, a paragraph of more than 5-10 words). Anyway, before settling-in for the evening, I rang her number, got her “voice mail” and sang a little “Happy Birthday” dittie. There's been no replies or responses for most of the day-into-evening. I shouldn't doubt she's “stoned” again... for her birthday. Hopefully she's well. - Of interest (of sorts): I stepped out for last smoke earlier and noticed that Ms. Suzie left the lights on in the Pee-Oh! Not a problem, per se, were it not for the fact that Alden is carrying the electric bill for that shit-box of feminine vitriol. I HAD mentioned the fact to Suzie, a while back, that Alden covers the electric and I cover the hot water so the PO is mooching. But I'm sure it slipped right through her mind... poor dear... in the head-lights, as it were. I find it annoying, especially considering the inconsiderations and disrespect from Ms. Jessica, Ms. Crystal and Ms. Becky.... “Qunts Galore” in that shit-box. Well, I did get a chance to send word of details on to the PO some-where on-line today. Let it ride... no doubt, the shit will be getting MUCH deeper before it's hauled off and away. - Other-wise, this evening's been much soc.med. with fun shit and politics. Three accounts open simultaneously. Keeps the mind running. - Feeling less “stressed in the chest” this evening, but indeed, quite tired (v-tons and the day) and I'm off to a hopefully hot shower with the new “body wash with 'exotic' oils”, with the hopes of calming at least SOME of this god-forsaken ITCHING on arms, chest, torso, back, hands... etc. HONESTLY... WHAT is going on with my body? I'm approaching 65... is this another “mile-stone” of decay? (Probably.) - Well then... tomorrow we get to try for the dump. Two bags to leave and labels to buy. NOT looking forward to that because it seems that trip is the one that usually leaves me with-out the truck for a while... some-thing goes wrong when I go to the dump... no matter what the day. Shit.
BEFORE I SIGN-OFF ON THIS DAY... ***** MEDICARE AND MEDICAID NOTICE ***** RECEIVED, IN TODAY'S POST, THE NOTICE THAT 100% OF MY MEDICARE IS COVERED BY “EXTRA HELP” (from this glorious state of NY... GOOD!) SO I GOT ON-LINE TO TRY TO SET-UP AN “ACCOUNT” TO SEE WHAT'S WHAT WITH THAT BUT NEEDED MY NUMBER! WELL! I'D SENT THE CARD BACK ABOUT 2 MONTHS AGO... OR PROBABLY A MONTH... ANY-WAY... I RANG MEDICARE TO GET THE NUMBER AND SPOKE WITH A LOVELY SOUTHERN FELLOW NAMED “MEL” WHO TALKED, FOR THE LONGEST, THROUGH ALL OF THE OPTIONS AND EXPLAINED ALL THE FUCKERIES EVER SO NICELY, GAVE ME MY NUMBER AND THEN WE GOT INTO THE “MEDICAID” BIT THAT GOES WITH THE MEDICARE BIT. HE SUGGETED I CONTACT MEDICAID TO MAKE SURE I HAVE IT UNTIL 1 AUGUST WHEN MEDICARE WILL KICK IN (OH... AND HE'S SENDING ME A NEW CARD AS WELL). TO CHECK INTO THE MEDICAID, I HAD TO RING SOC.SEC. (WHEN I SIAD I DREADED THAT, MEL TOLD ME HE'S HAD CALLERS *BEG* HIM NOT TO SEND THEM THERE. “I FEEL YOUR PAIN.” SAYS MEL. ANYWAY, SO I DID... I HAVE *NO* IDEA WITH WHOM I SPOKE AT SOC.SEC., SOME GUY... I'LL ASSUME, BLACK, WITH A HORRIBLE CONNECTION WHO WILL MAKE SURE I GET A NEW MEDICARE CARD (YEAH, RIGHT, I'LL BE DEAD BEFORE THAT HAPPENS) AND INFORMED ME THAT NO, MEDICAID WAS NEVER BROUGHT FROM VT TO NY!!!!! A CALL TO THE MEDICAID OFFICE AND “NOEL” (imagine that) TELLS ME THAT I CAN “RE-APPLY ON-LINE”... COME TO FIND OUT... ***NOT***! FUCKING IDIOTS, THE LOT. BUT “MEL” SAYS I HAVE UNTIL 1 JULY TO SETTLE EVERY-THING SO... THERE'S MORE WORK TO BE DONE AT A TIME WHEN THERE ARE NO OFFICES OPEN (thanks to Governor Shit-bag). OH... HERE WE GO. BUT, AT LEAST MEL HELPED ME THROUGH THE HORRORS OF MEDICARE. (I'll get it and either drop dead or be slammed-down with something horrific and THEN drop dead... no doubt.) - And on the matter of O.HENRY... THE BOOK ARRIVED TODAY... AND NOT FROM THE SELLER INDICATED ON ABE'S SITE BUT FROM AMAZON! AND NOT “NEW”, AS LISTED. THE BACK COVER IS CREASED, PAGES ARE DOG-EARED. THE RECEIPT WITH THE BOOK SHOWS A PRICE OF 4,99. I PAID 7.32 TOTAL FOR IT. SO A “NOTE” WENT TO THE “SELLER” AND TO ABE'S. I'M QUITE PISSED-OFF! THE PRICE WOULDN'T BE SO BAD BUT I DON'T LIKE THE “DAMAGED GOODS” AND THE LIE ABOUT THE ORIGINS... I CAN ORDER FROM AMAZON DIRECTLY, AND HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO BUT DIDN'T. Let's see how THIS matter rolls out! - 24.13 and oddly... a sudden “HOT FLASH” with a bit of “perspiration”. Oh well... off to the shower with the new body wash and straight to bed. Another day... shot to the shitters.

Sat.13.Jun: 7.45 and even after TWO v-tons before bed (and a list of notes that need to be expounded upon for closing comments on yesterday), no alarms, here I am again. Sunny morn, breezes blowing and... SEVEN, yes 7° out there! Going up to 13 and back down to 6 tonight. I actually HAD to check the top of the mountain to be sure that the clouds were wet and not flakes! Mid-June? Well. Indeed. - As for the morning “health” report... other than the usual clamps round the chest and the itching, all's “normal”... anxieties about going to the dump today, primarily because of the brakes grinding on the truck. But we shall see how it all turns out, if and when it turns. There's GARBAGE to be gotten rid of today and labels to be purchased. Let's see how it goes. Shall we then? Indeed. - Meanwhile, let's see how much of the “notes” I can fill in and then work from there. I'm up. I'm dressed. I've had a halfie on the porch. Coffee at hand... the morning is... just is. - 9.24 OK. Caught-up with the Journal and when I looked at the thermometer in the living-room... 62°F!!! THE FURNACE IS BACK ON FOR A BIT! THIS IS INSANITY AT ITS BEST! IT'S MID-JUNE! WTAF? - Ms. Suzie's in the Pee-Oh. The folks in the back are out to work. I've been to the loo. Finishing coffee and the dump is only just opening. Now to figure how to bag these 2 bags of stuff and hope that they'll simply pass when I get there. One of them is going to be mostly tin and plastics that could be “recycled” but... I'm not in the mood. I just want to get there, toss these bags, get more labels and go. Go where? Back to bed, to be honest. But... certainly not any particular travel, to be sure. (I believe I'll have to bring the truck to Richie come the week... brakes. Here we go! The money in the account will be FLYING now.) - No word from Theresa. Odd. - And a touch of the old “tight throat” and “pit-itch” coming on as the heat flows through the place. - “Mid-June” and the furnace is running. Seriously... this is insanity. - 12.48 ALL OF THE GARBAGE IS GONE (again) AT LONG... L O N G LAST! Yes, indeed... gone, gone, GONE! From trash to “recyclables”... GONE! Nothing on the back porch. Nothing in the bin. Nothing in the cup-board. Next trip... all the “packing” that's being hoarded in the drawing-room and what-ever I can get rid of in there. (If only I could get rid of the old tool box and wrench bits... for a couple of bucks, that would be nice.) But I'm SO relieved to be rid of the garbage. And 6 more “stickers” for 6 more bags... or, as it might turn out... at least 3 more months of trash. (If I even live that much longer.) - And according to the thermometer in the truck... it's a grand 12° out there, in a slight drizzle... though the météo claims 11° and it truly feels more like that. I came in from a well-heated truck and put the furnace back up. Hell! I'm not going to sit in here being chilled. Yes, sure, it'll cost me eventually, but I see no reason to be cold. - And so now then... mower tomorrow? Fine. For right now, we celebrate the journey to the dump. Oh, how life has changed... when a trip to the dump is a high-light of existence. - The turmeric arrived today... in the post. No more “orders” in the waiting. AND... back to cooking with something that's rumoured to be “healing”. (Yeah, right, fuck.) - Rest of the day? Having a ginger tea now... perhaps some bread and butter with. Other? I dunno. Don't care, really. 'will have to roll as it will. - PS: Thanking the gods and powers that be for the un-eventful and successful trip to the dump. Amen. - 17.09 Getting meal prepped, cold chicken and hot veggies. It's still chilly out there and over-cast. - Julius came by shortly after I came back from the dump... he and Hanna have had a “falling-out” and are having a “parting of the ways”! He pointed to their garden and said “That's all yours.” (It's greens, which is good, but...) He said he can afford to keep the place (at $450), but is leaning more toward leaving! NO! All I can think of is that fat thing that had come to look at the place. NO! NO BROADS! AND NO FAT BROADS AND NO SINGLE FAT BROADS! OH PLEASE! I'm just in from a smoke and there's nobody over there now. No cars in the drive. NO! Says Julius, this is the second “break” in their 3 years “together”. The last one lasted 2 weeks. I'll just hope... or, perhaps he'll find another “friend” or something... preferably another respectable young gal (2 guys in there would, more than likely, become... well... I'd rather not think about that now). Any-way... with me not feeling “up to par” these days, and them having been so quiet and such, it worries me. But “hope” is all I can do. - For now, just up from an hour's snooze and feeling ever so tired anyway. What? Going to the dump was my “burst of energy for the day”? This is insane. I'm not really “ill”. Just terribly tired. I could blame it on the vodka of last night but that's not really the issue. This isn't “vodka-related”. And the ITCH... I'd have to say that I've probably given my-self a dose of some kind of toxicity with the tea tree oil. (But I know it's more than that.) So? So... roll along... just roll along. I'm looking at being the sole resident for a while... I would think. - On to meal... no “The Five” tonight. Perhaps an early-to-bed night. I'll try the iron-on patches after meal at some time and then... what-ever. - I'm still “chilled” to the core though. That's not helping matters any at all.

Sun.14.Jun: 11.23 UP, ON THE PHONE, WITH THERESA, FROM 20.04 LAST NIGHT UNTIL 6.00 THIS MORNING! 3 “breaks” during, but... BUT... 10 HOURS ON THE PHONE! The oddest bit is that the conversation NEVER broke... There was never a moment's silence through the 10 hours! BUT... here I sit, with only 4 hours of “sleep” AND THREE V-TONS THROUGH THE NIGHT! JEEZUS! I just hope SHE'S OK this morning... though for her, the “chat” ended at 5.00. Still... 10 hours. BY GOD! - So I'll just “jot” the evening of last and take it from there today... Eh? - Item 1. The “mystery of the itch” is solved. Gleaning several sites, one with a LONG lost of many posts over a couple of years, confirms that the ITCH is an ALLLERGIC REACTION TO TEA TREE OIL! Each site, medical and “holistic” listed the EXACT symptoms! Sadly, no treatment. So I'm supposing it's now a matter of getting the shit out of my system, a “flush” of some sort or another. Meanwhile, it ain't gonna be pretty. But at least I know it's the oil and not kidney or liver failure (yet). No more oil! Though they say that it should never be used “straight from the bottle”, rather, mix/dilute in a “carrier oil” like coconut. Right now, “carrier” or not... NOT using it. At least for some weeks to come. - Item 2. Julius came by to confirm: He's leaving the house on Tuesday. Well? I'll HOPE that old broad that came to look at the place will have found another place to go to and perhaps I'll have the opportunity to “clean” this time, as Alden asked before. I'll certainly not rush, though I'm sure Alden will prefer getting the place back on the “rent roll”. We shall see. - Item. 3. I'd just finished meal, was washing the “dish”, as it were, looking out the kitchen window, I saw something that looked like a tall, but thin dog, coming up through the “Mayors'” yard to cross the road. Stepping out onto the front porch, I discovered it was a FAWN... still quite spotted! Alone! It crossed at Cliff's and literally pranced into Shawn's yard. When I called across “Hey! What are you doing over there alone and where's your Mother?” it stopped, looked at me and continued to prance about, to the back of the house and presumable off to the mountains. I rang Donna, thinking she'd know what to do about the situation. She suggested “Wildlife Management” and then mentioned how happy Dorothy is to be back in contact with me AND that Dorothy claimed that she had NO idea that “sister” was so miserable and that now she sees her in a much different light. (Me? I didn't bother to say, but the truth is that I'd told Dorothy about the “Easter Sunday” matter. SHE just chose to defend little sister. So, I take it all for as it's worth and move on.) Donna had to eat so the chat got cut short. - Item 4. Got the little iron out of “storage” in the bed-room and applied the iron-on patches to 2 pairs of jeans... AT LAST! The little iron worked very well, now it's just a matter of wearing the jeans to see how well (or not) the patches hold. But, it's been WAY over a year that I've wanted to get to that, almost a month that I've had the patches and FINALLY, did it. - And THEN came the call to Theresa and THERE went the entire night-into-morning again. But we had a WONDERFUL chat about ALL sorts of topics from humming-birds to the sexual escapades of our youth and she mentioned that her son, Justin, made her turn her phone off on the evening of her birthday so they could watch a movie together “So HE won't call...” meaning me. OK. Good to know. - As for this morning, right now coffee's at hand, and JUST as I went searching for the phone(s), the call from “Justin the Mower Guy”... The mower is ready... for “$50 cash if that works for you.” WTAF? JEFF PAID THE DAMNED THING 40 AND NOW 50 FOR A REPAIR NOT A WEEK LATER? “I'm at my office today until 3.” Oh DO tell... your “office”. Charming. I've got 40 on hand an will, perhaps, drop by before the “3” and ask what, exactly is costing 50. Short of an engine replacement... I'll be looking for another mower before heading out... IF I head out at all today. (I'm just waiting for the 3 v-tons and the 4-hour snooze to settle... I fore-see not so happy moments to come.) - 11.47 It's not really “cold” in here this morning (well, not to me any-way) but as I'm typing here, the furnace just kicked... I see 14° from the météo. Up to 18, down to 9 and then 22 for tomorrow. But, as I say, the furnace is kicking... and I've got the back door open. Must adjust that. - Also... I need to get to the photos I want included on this month's page, water-falls and Luna moth and such so... back to coffee, a bit of “coding” and... butter's on coupon (two and SIXTY-nine now instead of two and FORTY-nine...) and ice cream's BOGO and there was another item... that's at the market in town... and so too is the mower. Let's see where this day gets us... shall we then, eh? - 16.07 Waiting for the old ticker to stop banging in my chest and then off to town again... for smokes. But mean-while... WELL! Justin changed the blade, changed the oil, cleaned the carberateur (what-ever) and accepted the 40$. Mean-while, Aubuchon's provided me with the 3 pallets I needed (wanted?) for the “composter” in the back and so... from about 12.30 until just now I've been busier than I'd expected to be. What I expected to do was get the mower, bring it back and go for a snooze. What I've DONE is built the little composter, tidied the back area, run the mower (which isn't running quite very too properly again anyway and before I spend another cent on it, I'll get a reel mower and fuck this shit... I'll put this mower in Jeff's place). But I managed to “run the mower” over the back where I didn't get to the last time. That's enough for now, as far as I'm concerned. - Had to transfer 100 from savings to chequing for the next phase of this evening and will be running up the road once more before settling-in for the evening. I need a shower too! - Feeling rather “ick” at the moment... chest “thumps”, weary and a bit nauseated. Am in a sweat. But then again, I've done a LOT more than would be expected, especially considering last night. Alas. Perhaps I'll toddle to the market for a few items including but not limited to something to call “meal” this evening. There's only a bit of a chicken thigh in the fridge and I really ought to take SOME sort of nourishment this evening, though I'm not sure what. Well I've tried to make it Sunday but I got so damned depressed that I set my sights on Monday and I got my-self un-dressed... or what-ever of the sort. (Really... feeling rather just “off” with the chest. But? Kadima... as it were.) - 21.48 and I am off to bed to read... showered and tired and wondering about waking tomorrow... as usual. But I am off to bed to read... showered. Another day... done.

Mon.15.Jun: 8.58 YES! 8.58. Last night, into bed by 22.00. Read for about half and hour. Lights out.. literally. I don't recall having heard the 5.00 alarm, but... I DO recall waking at 7.30 and thinking “No rush.” I'd slept through the entire night! I don't know HOW... but I did. And at 7.30, I was so comfy that I just dozed back off to sleep until almost 8.30 when I heard the sound of “thump-thump-thump”. Ms. Pee-of-Oh was in. And so, I decided that I may as well get up, get out of the bed, dress in clean clothes and get on with the day. I was feeling quite well too. No “residuals” from yesterday's exhaustions and even my chest was rather OK. (I say “was”... the “heaviness” has returned a touch... but of course, wake painless, died the night before.) The sun is shining. I'm in from a smoke out back. There's a “heat” in the air. And plans? Well... Market for this weeks “deals” perhaps, maybe a few more pallets. But for now, just waiting... as the hens return to the hen-house next-door and then... for their departure. Monday... and fukkall... MID-JUNE! JEEZUS! Mid-June! The middle of the month of the middle of the year! “Time”... it's running... and quite quickly too. - 11.10 Busy morn at the Pee-Oh... Ms. Biddy and her boy-friend (Pete) were here most of the morning. Margaret stopped in to “help” Suzie (as seen when I walked out the back door). Ms. Becky was by, parked beside the office, blocking the drive and then took the drive to leave. Chatty all morning long. It's now quiet at last and I've parked out-side the kitchen. - HORROR NOTE OF THE DAY: The electric bill has arrived... calling for full payment of almost 340 AND the new “budget” for the coming year at... 82! That heating with the oven set the entire thing off and 50 UP! OH... SO FUCKED! AND, this month is box rent for post. I wonder when I'll be able to get to the registration on the truck AND the inspection AND what the cost to pass THAT will be by the time these idiots get around to opening offices. Oh well... there's nothing I can do at this juncture. Just roll with it. (The sick part is: Had I not gotten that loan, I'd be DONE! NOW... I'll be living off borrowed money! FUCK!) - Well? We shall roll with it. Being “old” and not guaranteed a “wake-up” in the morning just puts it into perspective. No sense in panic... what it is is what it is. Amen. - Now to figure the rest of the day. Was thinking a trip to the market for butter, ice cream, stuff. Perhaps a couple more pallets whilst the getting is good. A chair for the porch? Some sort of some activity to keep the mind other-wise occupied. - The “itch” is starting up... as the temperature rises. I washed thoroughly last night, applied the coco butter but I suppose this is going to take some time to go away. Oh well... Perhaps I'll die with it. - Morning blown on soc.med. Going through images of the “Mill Falls”, Split Rock and Luna moth to include here before posting on-line. And then? Maybe a bit of truck cleaning whilst I may? We shall see what the day brings... when the day leaves. Hey, I was originally thinking that I'd be paying-out the entire 600 to electric all at once, this month. At least THAT was broken-down. Little “blessings”... fuck me. - 16.53 After a rather some-what not-so-great morning... I tried the mower again... got the side of the garage done and... Ppffttt! Fuck! So we shall see where this all goes. I've half a mind to sell the damned thing and buy new... more on that to follow. - So... I took a snooze and then decided to go for more pallets... and a stop at the market. Well, there are 7 more pallets... in the garage. Now to get the what's-needed to BUILD! We shall see about that in due order and time. - AT the market, young couple from Rochester, off to visit a relative in VT, the guy asked me for directions and I gave him the “story” about VT and the shit and ALL! YAY! THAT made me feel better, to be sure. - Market? King Arthur... TWO BAGS! Ice cream... TWO... butter, beans, franks and back to the house where... JULIUS AND HANNA ARE STAYING!!! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY DANCE! To tell the truth, I'm feeling quite a LOT better right now. - Franks on the heat, beans at the ready and soon, meal and then... another day, another day. - I'm just SO HAPPY the guys are staying. - I told Julius about the mower. He says Justin should just give me another mower. We shall see... Right now... MEAL! - 21.26 Just order new Vit.C!!! Down to 18$... AND I'D GOTTEN A “GIFT CARD” FOR AMAZON FROM A SURVEY I'D TAKEN VIA GoDaddy SO IT JUST COST ME 4$!!!! YAY! JUST IN TIME TOO... I'M RUNNING TERRIBLY LOW (taking 3gm/day now). - Anyway... meal was fine, ice cream for dessert and some yoghurt and now having hot water just because I'm in the mood and if I'm in the mood there must be a reason for it. - Can't believe I've got all those pallets in the garage. Must get busy making chairs! (Need a lounger too.) - Julius and Hanna will be going to the river this week... temps in the 30s! I'm almost looing forward to a dip... Never got to Champlain but now I get to one of the tributaries... ADIRONDACK WATER! (Let's hope for no leeches?) - Bed soon. No more all-nighters. And tomorrow? Will be what it will be. - 24.12 Got caught-up in Neil Diamond videos... and... order two copies of “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”... hard-cover... one for me... one for Theresa. I've nothing but my books these days... O. Henry waits on the shelf... “Narnia” too... oh well... they'll all be tossed when I'm gone anyway... they're my Friends. And now... I'm off to bed. - Have to send me a copy of this Journal though... the fucking lap-top is going to up-date... shit!

Tue.16.Jun:

8.28 and... a sultry 16° out there in the sun-shine, under a crisp, blue sky! (Going up to a tropical 25 and plummeting to a brisk 12 tonight.) And the Journal came back. The “Desk-top” appears to be fine. (I really should get something to clean this thing up...) So far... so far. And yes, I heard the 5.00 alarm but didn't bother to get out of the bed... I was comfy. It was cool. And I'd gone to sleep at about 1.00 so... - Now, dressed and in from smoke, we await the arrivals... of the “Good Folks of New Russia” and the rest of the day. - Feeling rather “OK” this morning. As I thought, coming back from town yesterday: I have to... HAVE TO keep moving else, the chest fills, the energy drops and everything turns to shit. - Now, though I probably shouldn't, to check on yesterday's “on-line shopping” of vit.C and “Seagulls”, a brief run through the soc.med. and... plan the chairs... Ionesco... “Chairs”. All those ideas and notions and “If only I had pallets” and now... there are the pallets and the “umpf” to work with them is fleeting. Oh and alas. (Hey, maybe if I make the chairs cute enough, I could make a couple extras and sell them? Nah... stuff like that never works out for me.) Anyway... what will come will come, will be will be, what won't won't and it's another day... in the Adirondacks. Here we go. - 20.38 SO many photos I want to add to this. So much work I want to do, and it's 11 pages on the rough already. But it's been a busy day... all day. Well, for as much of the day as I took... from just before 11.00 until 16.15, so I suppose that's fine. about 5,5 hours... SAWING the limbs down and stacking them, neatly, in the back yard, ready for a “fire pit” as it were. All day, alone, in the back yard, sawing and stacking, a la Woodhauler. Ah... At one point Alvin came to offer his electric saw. I declined. “This is what I did, every season, for 6 years. I'm used to it. Besides, it's good exercise.” said I. He re-offered and then we discussed the table saw in the garage. I said I don't want to use it because the electric comes off the post office and Alden pays that. “Oh... give him a dollar. How much could it possibly use?” said Alvin. Maybe it's me... maybe it's true, but over-all, being here, in this “New Russia” is a wonderful way to see what appears to be “the last” months (or weeks... who knows) out. Truly. All those years of brutality, and these days, such wonderful people. Truly. (Maybe this is all because of listening to “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”, as I am, with a v-ton to combat tonight's leg jams and spasms.) What-ever. And so I continued to work. It's not complete, but it's MUCH neater than it was. (More photos to include... perhaps tomorrow, when temperatures rise to the 30s?) - Meal was more franks and beans tonight. Fine, as they are. And the kids next-door went to the river for the day. I'll have to give it a try. Says Julius, when I asked “I've only had one leech on me in my entire life and I've been all along the river.” I thought as much. Honestly! I'll have to give it a try... perhaps down at the “Mill Falls”. It would be grand to swim in the Adirondack waters. (I wonder if I'll be “granted” that much.) - Had some “text” with Theresa. Sadly, she turns toward “her last days”. Yes, we're both looking at those, but, I keep mine to me. Others? Perhaps it's all the years of “others”, but it just slams at me. Hopefully she's being honest, coming to terms, and probably doing what I'm doing... moving with the time at hand. She's getting her house together. I'm getting mine together as well. I'm not pre-occupied with the insanity of “time”. Just “leaving some-thing nice behind”. (How I think: These people are, in their own way, quite probably amazed that some-body has moved into the old house who has an interest in making it “presentable” again. They probably think me insane. Ah, yes, and then there's Ms. Biddy. “Our Jessica”. “If you do that he'll have you evicted for sure.” Yeah? Well... LOOK, moron. LOOK at this place. Flowers on the porch. Humming birds. A back yard again. “Evicted”? Simple, little, in-bred idiot. let me stop now.) - And so, I'm having my v-ton. The sun is over in Lake Placid or some-where over to the West now. The only trace left is some of its light. The hummies have been here and gathering a night's snack before retiring. I'm having my naproxen and v-ton before retiring... and I'm off to a shower... before retiring. The fan... the new “Bonaire” fan, is on in the bed-room, cycling according to the setting. The front windows are closed, the back door too. The house is “ready”. I too... as soon as I've finished my v-ton. - Dear Father we dream... WE DREAM... WE DREAM... while we may.... while we may... Who are we to need... WE NEED... WE NEED... while we wait... while we wait.. - Mother would have been 87 tomorrow... “gone” 32 years now... it all “feels” so shortly ago. And this year, right now, the “pains” are so almost “remote”. Is it because they've become part of existing? Is it because the heart grows so tired of hurting? Or is it because we come closer to the moment when we too, will be “there”? Does it matter? No... it doesn't. It “is”. No regrets. No more sadness. I have my own heart-aches now. Hers have been gone for many years. I'll divest my-self of mine... and soon, it will all become... nothing. - 22.03 Late! But out of the shower, and a 2nd v-ton not quite done. “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” still playing. Showered. And the night is warm. And I wonder: “Depression”. The suicide rate amongst “Orothodox Jews”. Why? And nobody asks. And I think: Depression isn't “abnormal”. NOBODY ASKS “Why?” WHY are we depressed? WHY is our world so dark? Or... “dark” as “they” see it. Nobody... NOBODY... if I could scream the word... NOBODY asks... and when/if they do... they bloody-fucking go to a text book... they don't listen, they give it no thought... just some rote bull-shit. (I came out of the shower thinking of Hanna.) “If you may find him...” “Him?” Who? Some bloody “god”? I've found “him”... I “know him”... he's not perfect. He's not “all-loving, all-caring.” He's wicked. He is me... he is my memories... and my inability to escape them. - I've no strength for this tonight... it's time to finish my drink, go to bed, wake when I bloody-fucking damned well do... IF I even do. - I smell like the old “Tone” soap... SO many years ago when it first hit the market and I tried it... My “body wash” tonight. Now... to find “Love's Lemon”. THAT would be “ALL”... to be most certain. - Hey... Denis? How the fuck are you? Thinking of you... with a painfully stiff smirk. - 22.57 Found and down-loaded a copy of “Jonathan Livingston Seagull”... have been watching. Sent a link to Theresa. Finished my v-ton... “We dream... we dream... while we may...”. - Brush teeth. Go to bed. - How? How did I get to this crazy little town, find a place, be here? What are the chances? There are no answers to the question “Why?”. And not only do I reside here... I reside in a place that IS... “New Russia”. The post office. The old market. Strange. - Time for bed....

Wed.17.Jun: 7.09 THE “LEGGO BOIZ”* ARE OUT-SIDE MY BED-ROOM WINDOW, WITH THEIR LEAF-BLOWERS, A FRONT-LOADER AND SOME KIND OF BRUSH ATTTACHMENT ON SOME LITTLE JOHN DEERE! SIMONDS HILL HAS BEEN, APPARENTLY, HOSED, “HI-VIZ” SIGN BLOCKING IT FROM THE MAIN, THEY'RE “BLOWING” THE GRAVEL FROM THE GRASS-LINE (including the gravel that I'd carefully put in front of the cellar shed) ON BOTH SIDES OF THE ROAD! THEN... THEY REV-UP THE “SCRUBBER”, AND AS THE FRONT-LOADER BACKS DOWN THE SIMONDS HILL, THE “SCRUBBER” PUSHES THE BLOWN GRASS AND GRAVEL INTO THE BUCKET. AND THEY PASS THRICE, FROM THE MAIN TO THE GARAGE! IT COMMENCED AT 6.40!!! AND IT'S STILL ON-GOING! THERE'S AT LEAST 4, IF NOT MORE OF THESE IN-BREEDS OUT THERE, SCRUBBING AWAY AT THE STREET... AT 7.00 IN THE FUCKING, BLOODY-FUCKING MORNING! AND DUST IS FLYING IN THE AIR, IN THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOWS, IN MY RUNNING NOSE, DOWN MY THROAT... ROAD DUST! WELL? I'M UP AND ABOUT AND DRESSED AND HAVE HAD FIRST COFFEE AND A HALFIE... SITTING AT TABLE AS THE “BEEPING” OF THE “REVERSE” ON THE “EQUIPMENT” FILLS THE MORNING AIR, AND THE DIP-SHIT-IN-BRED-MENTALLY-CHALLENGED IDIOTS CONTINUE WITH THEIR “LET'S PLAY HIGH-WAY”! IF IT ALL WEREN'T SO UTTERLY FARCICAL, FRIGHTENINGLY CLASSIC PSYCHOTICLY RETARDED, IT MIGHT BE AMUSING, IN A “GREEN ACRES” SORT OF WAY, BUT IT'S NOT... “AMUSING” IN THE LEAST. THEY TRULY ARE BRAIN-SCRAMBLED IDIOTS. I MEAN... “WASHING” SIMONDS HILL ROAD? AT 6.30 IN THE MORNING? IN THEIR “HI-VIZ” GET-UPS, TRAFFIC FLAGS AND LITTLE “UNIFORMS”? IF EVER THERE WAS A “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?”.... THIS JUST SLAMS THE REALITY OF THE MENTAL DEGRADATION OF THE SPECIES-HUMAN INTO THE FACE OF REALITY... DIRECTLY THROUGH THE SKULL. WELL... A MONTH AND A DAY SHORT OF A YEAR HERE, I TRULY NEED TO STOP BEING SO “CONSIDERATE AND KIND”. THIS ISN'T “NEW RUSSIA”... THIS, IS “WINGDALE”... AND THE LUNATICS HAVE TRULY, OBVIOUSLY, BLATANTLY TAKEN OVER THE “ASS-YLUM”. * I REFER TO THE OLD DOLTS AS “LEGGO BOIZ” BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY BRING TO MIND: THE LITTLE CHARACTERS FROM “LEGGO” SETS, WITH THEIR LITTLE “HI-VIZ” AND “HARD HATS” OUT THERE PLAYING THEIR LITTLE ROLES AS “HIGHLY IMPORTANT” EMPLOYEES OF THE STATE (OR TOWN OR VILLAGE OR... WHAT-EVER). SERIOUS VISAGES ON ONE AND ALL. ONE WOULD THINK (NOT REALLY) THAT THEY'RE IN ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY, THAT THEIR “WORK” IS OF THE HIGHEST IMPORTANCE. LAWN-MOWING AND EMPTY LOT REFERRED TO AS “THE PARK”... SANDING/SALTING WHAT IS, TECHNICALLY, A “BACK ROAD” THAT LEADS UP A HILL TO... NO-WHERE OF ANY IMPORTANCE (other than the houses of those who reside on said hill), AND THIS MORNING? “WASHING” SAID ROAD... “WASHING” A ROAD! OH FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET BLOODY-FUCKING JEEZUS! THE “LEGGO BOIZ”... RETARDED CHILDREN GONE AMOK!!! - And there we have it. And I could have stayed in the bed for at least another hour this morning. It's comfortably cool, the sun is shining. I see that the folks next door are on the road already (because the “scrubber” was parked beside my truck in the drive). My nose is running and the back of my throat and the roof of my mouth are irritated from/by the fucking road dust that blew in through my bed-room window. I tell you what... if the throat doesn't get better, I've half a mind to roll into the local ER and bitch. (Only “half” a mind, mind...) - Oddly, the first thought was “Oh... Becky's got friends in the “Highway” dept. and this is my “Fuck you!” for causing her “inconveniences” (and, essentially, reporting her “I hate my fucking job” bull-shit). Then came the superstitious moment of “Mother's way of saying 'my soul is pissed, you're a shit-bag, I'm dead, you're not and HERE's a touch of HELL for you.” (Wouldn't surprise me in the least... all “life” considered.) What a delightful way to start a day... So let's see how far it can degrade from here... Shall we then? Oh yes... let's do shall. FUUUUUUUUUCK! - 8.02 and the Leggo-Boiz are leaving... WHAT (the actual fuck) A BLOODY MORNING! - 13.13 And from since about 10.45 until just now... THE BACK YARD IS DONE!!! THE ENTIRE MOUND OF DIRT IS DOWN, THE LIMBS ARE CUT AND STACKED. ONE LIGHT RAKING FOR STONES AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO DO (unless I come into some sort of grass seed... but I'm NOT putting money into this). - Nouvelles du jour? MEDICARE AND YOU arrived this morning. No card, but the book is here. My “Death Certificate” has arrived. Alas... 'twas bound to happen and so it has done. - I'm having an iced tea and that's that for that. It's FUCKING HOT out there! No more shit. I was going to make chairs... but I'm not really in the mood. So? So... we shall see what we shall see when day is done. - 22.30 and the temperature is cool, the fan is blowing in the bed-room and I'm off to the shower... late, but now... and tonight it's a MUST. Anyway... another day is done. - Have taken a naproxen for the legs and the thinning of the blood. (It seem to help with the chest pains... blood thinner... hmmm.... I still don't doubt there's a “whammy a-waitin'” but we do what we must while we must and then...) - Oh... as for the fucking street-washing... Mr. Mayor informs... it's an “annual” and Mr. Jeff informs that “all the county roads” get it “annually”. Fucktardz... the lot of them. Annoying. But you know? Easily avoidable. - Now... on with the wrap-up of this day! - Oh... PS: Yes... Happy Birthday Mother... I still remember... Do you? (I doubt it. And if you do... I wonder if it's still with the same disdain you had for me when I was a child.)

Thu.18.Jun: 9.08 AND I SLEPT-IN! YES I DID! SLEPT! - And today is one month until... ANNIVERSARY! (I wonder if I'll make it.) - But MOST IMPORTANT THIS MORNING IS LAST NIGHT'S DREAM... *** HALLIE AND MIMOU *** !!!
I'D GONE TO 5199 FOR SOME REASON... THAT PART ISN'T CLEAR, THE REASON, BUT I WAS IN THE HOUSE, Mme. WAS SOME-WHERE ABOUT. I WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN AND HALLIE HAD BEEN IN THE LIVING-ROOM. AS I WALKED IN THE BACK DOOR, SHE GOT UP AND STARTED BARKING, AS SHE WOULD, WHEN SOMEBODY CAME IN, BUT WHEN SHE SAW ME HER TAIL STARTED WAGGING SO STRONGLY, AND SHE BOUNCED UP ON HER HIND LEGS, UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN, AND SHE GOT THAT “SMILE” SHE MAKES. SHE HOWLED, AND IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMETHING BETWEEN A SCREAM OF GLEE AND A SOBBING! I CALLED “HELLO Mrs. YOU!” AND SHE CAME RUNNING OVER TO ME! I SQUATTED DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND SHE LITERALLY NUZZLED! PRESSING HER HEAD AND UPPER BODY AS CLOSE TO ME AS SHE COULD, HEAD-TO-HEAD, SHOULDERS-TO-SHOULDERS. AND HOW SHE HOWLED! AND WHILE THIS WAS GOING ON, MIMOU CAME SAUNTERING INTO THE ROOM, AS IF TO SEE WHAT ALL THE COMMOTION WAS ABOUT AND WHEN I SAW HIM, I CALLED, AS I USED TO DO WHEN HE WAS IN THE BARN, “Mi'ter MiMOUOUOU....” AND HE TOO, CAME RUNNING OVER TO ME AND CLIMBED INTO MY LAP AND, TOO, PRESSED AGAINST ME, MEOWING AND PURRING! WE STAYED THAT WAY FOR THE LONGEST WHILE, JUST THE 3 OF US TOGETHER, SO CLOSE, CUDDLING, “'NUGGLING”, AND “HUGGING” AND JUST BEING SO LOVING TOGETHER. I semi-woke from the dream, as it was on-going. It was about 5.00 this morning. And as I “woke” I thought: “They know... Some-how they KNOW they're in my heart, even after all this time and so far away... they KNOW I still Love them, SO much... they KNOW.” and I drifted back off to sleep.... What a wonderful, WONDERFUL dream to have. I felt as if I actually DID spend time with them again... actually felt that we were together.
Then, there was another sort of dream, just before I woke (at about 8.45 or so), about lumber, and making something. I'd been half-awake, pondering ways to make the chairs from the pallets. And there was something about a list of sorts, where certain saw blades had been used to make other chairs and furniture. And each piece of lumber was designated to a particular saw blade... and there was a small list of blade numbers. The one number I woke and recalled is 416980. So now I want to get into the “Numerology” of this. I mean, “Why that number?” out of a list of about 10 or 12. We shall see.
But for now, there's lavage on the soak... especially the work jeans... ick. It's comfortably cool this morning at 24°, but going up to 33° this after-noon! I have the front door open but will be closing that as soon as I finish these few comments... I've had a quick smoke, coffee at hand. (9.26 door closed as the “Beck” is in the lot... ) Little goals for the day: tinned fruits for the “juice” for the wasp-traps, and a couple of other items from the market. I need to get these pages posted to the on-lines... and the photos to go with. I should check with Medicaid today... since the in-breeds of E-town fucked that up and I've only got until the end of the month... Indeed... things to occupy a day... and NOT out-of-doors today, really. NOT in 33°. - Well? Here we are, another one. Let's see how this one rolls out. - 12.08 Imagine... I've been non-stop... Lavage is done, soc.med. is done, the Pee-Oh is closed. Mr. Alvin's out there mowing (and I will NOT mow in 30°). The kitchen is together... as it were. The house is “together”... save 2 shirts that need washing. But I need to put a line up some-where and am still in a bit of a quandary over that. So it can wait. In this heat, and some-what low humidity, there should be space on the rack in a while so... - Now? On to getting this on-line... sorting through photos. And since it's “lunch-hour”... no sense in going for “business”. - Oh... and today's “post”... a “friendly reminder” for the box rent. Hey... keep printing... nobody gets money until I get mine. And we move along. - 21.56 WELL! At about 19.30, I went for a lie-down on the futon, with the alarm set for 20.00. I laid there for a brief while and suddenly decided: I've taken 3 tins of chicpeas out, they need to drain, I have no sieve, I want tinned fruits for the wasp traps (as I watched the wasps try to conquer the hummie feeder!). So I checked for FamDoll, Tops and Kinney's (for Dentemp)... closed at 21.00. UP! READY! STEADY! SET AND GO! Into the truck and up the road! FamDoll... for some shitty, red, plastic, “Made In China”. “Betty Crocker” piece of shit that will do, and 2 packs of smokes (which I'd need anyway... soon.) Had a WONDERFUL chat with the kids at the cashe about the stupidity of Governor Goomba and was off to the market. FamDoll was empty. Tops was almost as. I buzzed through, got the fruits, more ice cream (BOGO), tonic, crisps, vinegar and the gal asked if I needed a bag. Well... surely. She rings everything up and asks “Do you have a nickle?” Gov. Goomba's brought back the “no bags, 5-cent paper” bull-shit! FUCK! No, I didn't. SHE PAID IT! (I have one set aside for my next trip in though.) OK. RUN to Kinney's for Dentemp, which I need because the other fillings have fallen out. Ah... nasty little thing at the cashe. No “Thank You”... but she got a “You're Welcome” and a shake of my head. Into the truck and back to the house to un-pack! - OK... NOW... believe it or not... ALL the laundry is washed, dried and put up. 3 washings... This morning's jeans and whites, this afternoon's work shirts and this evening's table cloth. Washed. Dried and returned! It's about the HEAT! But I'm happy for that. - Done... I watered the gardens out back and then went to the front porch where a hummie was, for some odd reason, trying to fly up into the roof of the porch! I can't, for the life of me, figure that out! I tried to reach for it but couldn't, not even on the chair, so I got the broom and put it up at the roof. The little one settled on it and I slowly brought it down, sat on the chair, rested the broom on my leg and tried to see what was “wrong”. The little one just stayed on the broom almost as if listening to me as I spoke! I was about to get up, lay the broom on the chair and get my glasses when the little one TOOK OFF! But OH! As I watered, the CHIRPING! I still don't know what's wrong... I hope I'll see him back tomorrow. (And I hope he finds his way home in the relative darkness.) - And so, there we have it. Groceries put up. Beans draining in a bowl in the fridge. Fan on in the bed-room. Clothes put away. Doors open. It's a bit cooler now that the sun's gone. And I'm still working on putting photos on this Journal... I often wonder “why”... One skip on server payments and it's all gone. But... for now... - Tomorrow morning I'll try to mow the lawn and then... NOTHING MORE! The back yard REALLY looks quite nice. (I've put work into this place... I'd like to put in more but I can't afford to.) Oh... and then there's the chair(s). Eventually, but not until the heat breaks. - 22.56 DONE! The lap-top files for the Journal are DONE! Photos and videos and texts and such. Now... to up-date on-line, up-load images and... I'm SERIOUSLY considering a v-ton. I want to mow in the morning but... we shall see how that runs. If not tomorrow... Sunday. No rush. I'm not competing. Alvin did his today. That's fine. I don't even know if the mower will run through the whole job... and I don't know that there's enough gas. But? But... And yes, I WOULD have liked to have been in bed and asleep by now. Oh well... another “plan”... shot to shit. Then again... seriously... Do I NEED, REALLY, to shove “time” into a confined space? I might not even wake up tomorrow morning. (Ah... the dream... Hallie and Mimou... and saving the Hummie... Quite the day.) - 23.20 AND DONE!!! ALL JOURNALS ARE TO-DATE... WITH IMAGES, PHOTOS, VIDEOS... DONE! And a v-ton at hand... sadly... with “diet” tonic. They changed the label and I hadn't noticed but... there it is, I'll have it... and go to bed! DONE! WHAT A DAY!

Fri.19.Jun: 1.06 WOW!!! TOO LATE! No 5.00 alarm for me. Finished my v-ton... last smoke, brush teeth... off to bed. 31° for tomorrow's (today's) high. I'll get to the lawn if the folks next door are gone. If not? Not... And time moves on. - 9.28 THIS has GOT to STOP... I actually slept through THREE alarms this morning to wake shortly after 9.00! Granted, I laid awake until at least 2.00. But still... THIS has GOT to STOP! - And a repeat of a DREAM I vaguely recall having quite some time ago, though the first wasn't quite as detailed as this time round:
Liz and I, and her nieces, were taking residence in a VERY large, old, stone house, that had, for the most part, been neglected for a great many years. The rooms were immense, from parlour, sitting-room, to kitchen and most of the bed-rooms. The place was furnished with all of the furnishings of the original inhabitants who were, as could be seen by the quality of the multitudinous chairs and sofas, and the upholstery of each, being actual tapestry, quite wealthy. It was, of course, all, quite faded and worn, though not yet thread-bare, and all had a hint of grey, years of dust and neglect being obvious. The walls, for the most part, were painted, not papered, and the colours were barely distinguishable from the fading and too, the dusts of time. Ceilings were, one could imagine, white, once upon a time, but now they were grey-beige. In spite of the very large windows, all of which were covered with a layer of sheer and either tapestry-drape or a variation of brocade or velvet, and each room having quite the number of, the rooms were cast in a “pre-dawn” sort of light, no matter the time of day. What light wasn't blocked from entering by the draperies was filtred, heavily, by the accumulations of general time and dirt. - The house had, to the immediate eye, 2 or 3 or 4 storeys. The first floor comprised of an extremely large living-room, several parlours and sitting rooms, an expansive formal dining room and a kitchen of the size comparable to a comfortably-sized small home in and of itself, with pantries here and there. In a word, the old house was “massive”. And of course, the stair-ways were broad, heavy, and almost intimidating in their bulk and grandeur. Almost muscular banisters and balustrades ascended and descended through the air, from storey to storey... from the main to the first floor above. As they ascended, they narrowed only slightly, retaining their imposing presence and allowing for air to simply “be”, not “move” but “be” from floor to floor. But there were other stair-ways on the upper levels, smaller, much narrower, that almost “appeared” in the walls as one navigated the hall-ways. These tight passage-ways were also in some (if not many, if not all) of the rooms in the upper storeys as well. Appearing to be simple door-ways, plain and simple, perhaps pantry- or closet-like, they gave access to other rooms at their highest end, rooms that were, inexplicably, their own storey in the house, in addition to those that were more obvious. In other words, between what were obviously the second and third storeys, there were other rooms, accessible via these oddly-placed stair-ways, but almost disturbingly, the other rooms were autonomous in their space and presence. They weren't part of either the second nor the third storeys, nor were they actually what might be thought of as the second-and-a-half... they were with-in the confines of the outer walls of the entire edifice, but they weren't, some-how. - For some reason, Liz and I were to have “taken” or rented this house, both of us having moved out of our parents' homes, and we were both of “university” age and “elder” at the same moment. As if, some-how, the home-leaving and “maturity” of starting-out on our own had become amalgamated simultaneously. We had the excitement of youth and the ennui of elders as we went about our business of “looking about the place” for the room that best suited each of us, to be claimed “Mine”. - The nieces weren't expected, by me, at first. I was to understand that it would be only Liz and I in the house, but suddenly, as I wandered about the place, the others began just “showing up”... with luggage, baggage and the sort, and just walking in, roaming about giddily, here and there, as if their residency had been pre-arranged. I wasn't at all “pleased” with situation, and the “chirping” giggle and laughter were more abrasive than pleasant, but the house was certainly large enough that, for all intent and purpose, the likelihood of us even hearing each-other at any time was remote at best. So we all went about our business of “settling-in”, looking at rooms, almost ignoring the presence of the others... and, to the best of my calculations at the time, we numbered 5 inhabitants at the moment. - And then... “it”, the reason for the abandonment of the house, started to make its “self” known. There was “some-thing”, intangible but palpable, almost excruciatingly “wrong” about the place. It wasn't obvious to the eye. It wasn't a “sound”. It wasn't the general neglect of the premises. It wasn't the uncleanliness. Nor was it the dim darkness. It simply “was”, and the longer we were in the place, the more it became... though not a temperature, the uneasiness was absorbed into the body, through the skin and to the marrow of the bone, like a humid, bitterly-cold. As the air was still and stagnant, so too was the “sensation”. It was present, there, all around. But it became increasingly obvious with each passing moment. It was oppressive, and it wasn't happy with the “intruders”... us... all of us. For the most part, there was nothing visible to the eye, no “apparitions”, no “ghostly figures” appearing in rooms or “passing through the walls and air”. The “presence” was simply sensation, un-ease, a palpitation of the heart, a queasiness in the gut. And then, the apparitions began... - At first, they were grotesque forms and figures of obviously death-decayed individuals, risen, as it were, from some depths of Hell. Mangled, shredded, hideous. They made no sound, but they appeared, translucent, in corners, door-ways, in the centre of a room. They were animated, flailing arms, or appearing to be screaming in agonising pain, yet they were silent. That was until one of Liz's nieces, in good mood, like a young girl excitedly moving into her first independent home, climbed one of those obscure, narrow, simply-constructed stair-cases and as she reached mid-way, the white, wooden door at the top of the stair-case opened and there, coming out of the room above, a clown appeared. It was dressed in white, bulky drape-like attired, with black pom-pom-like “buttons” down the front, over-sized black shoes. A deathly-white face with a large black frown drawn on the face and a bright red, round pyramid-shaped hat perched on it's head. And it HOWLED, viciously angrily, at the young girl who, when the door opened, froze in terror on the stairs. I was standing in an adjacent room at the bottom of the stairs and clearly saw the entire event. Oddly, I “knew” about the clown, and though it sickened me with terror, I was, for some reason, almost expecting its appearance. (This dream, as I say, either DID happen before or, in the dream, I was thinking that it was a repeat. I'm not certain about that particular.) As I watched, the clown didn't leave the room, it stood firmly in the door-way, howling at the niece who was petrified in fear, and Liz came into the room in which I was standing. She didn't hear the howling at all. Apparently is was audible only to the niece and my-self. But when she saw me looking up the stairs, she too averted her glance and she SAW the apparition. “Well, I've been waiting for this.” I said to her, almost calmly, though my guts were churning with both fright and angry rage. “They're all over the place. It was just a matter of time, I suppose. But here they are. They've GOT to GO!” With that, I knew, some-how, I needed to get out of the house to get or do some-thing to rid the place of these long-established “presences”. That's where MY direct annoyances began in the dream. - I knew, some-how, that the old house was attached, by way of a massive corridor, to another edifice, some distance to the left (as one would face it), and that other edifice was a combination “castle” of sorts, where current government (a monarch of sorts, a “queen”) resided. That was also, of late, a retail centre, a sort of “shopping mall”, very contemporary and “up-scale”, on the lower floors (similar to what the “Sheraton Mont Royal” in Montréal had been turned into... with a combination of Place Bonaventure and les Terraces). I needed to get out of the house and over to the “other end” for some-thing or some-one to put an end to this “haunting”. So I made my way out of the room, into the halls but as I progressed, one room simply led to another, one hall-way brought me to yet another, and each different space became less and less familiar, and more and more confusing. Main stair-ways suddenly became the narrow, obscure stair-ways (which, by the way, were all painted brilliant white... in complete contrast to the rest of the house). These narrow stair-ways would either turn at some point or, even as I descended would suddenly ascend, so that not matter how far down through the storeys I would go, at some point, I would be heading back up into the house, and the more I wandered, the “deeper” into the house I would reach, farther and farther from any exit at all. The house wasn't “shifting”... it had been constructed in such a fashion. What was more aggravating, some-how I was familiar with the house, knew where I needed to go, as if I'd resided there before (as in having had this dream before), but now that I needed to get out, I was “happening upon” places I'd never been before. I wasn't in a panic so much as I was becoming increasingly angry and annoyed, and the more these feelings increased, the more confusing the journey became. I became aware of that fact and decided to take the matters as they presented, rooms, hall-ways, stairs and as I did so, I found my-self out-side the house, standing at a distance far enough where-by I could see, to the right, the old house, the “connecting corridor” as it were to the “castle” to the left. I had to get into that “castle” and to some “official” who could attend to the horrors of the old house. (I wasn't sure of HOW or WHO or WHAT all could be done, but I had some sense of assurance that it ALL was banish-able... as it were and that I was the only one in the house, at present, who had the ability to see to it that the “spirits” were appeased and evicted.) - I did manage to get into the “newer, castle” building, on the main floor, the “retail space”, as it were. Brightly lit and busy with all sorts of people. The colours and construction resembled “Grand Central Station”, beige marble walls and floors, much “indirect lighting”, though highly polished and sparkling clean. Wide, open space, as would be contemporary shopping plazas and the sort. There were many people moving about, most in some sort of hurry. It was more “business” than casual, leisurely shoppers. - Where, exactly, I was heading wasn't clear, but I some-how knew I had a destination that I had to reach, so I just moved along, with purpose, mostly against the flow of the others. They, coming toward me as I briskly stepped forward. - After some time of walking past the shops and office-spaces, I came to the end of the “attended” part of the building and reached what was the connecting “tunnel” between the old house and the “business” building. Ahead of me was the same beige marble, on floor, walls and even the arched ceiling. Dim, ceiling, indirect lighting from fluorescent lights gave just enough light to the broad, yet long, and empty tunnel. The floor inclined slightly but noticeably. There were no others there with me. It was obvious that this tunnel was all but abandoned. No stores, doors, windows... just a long tunnel whose end wasn't in sight. I “knew” I had to traverse the tunnel, to find where it connected with the old house. There was some sort of thought that I needed to open the access from the house to this tunnel in order to expel the “ghostly residents”. They wouldn't be happy about the matter, but the “connection” between the “old” and the “new” had to be made. Essentially, they'd be “sucked out” of the old house, through the tunnel and the “exposure” to the new would simply banish them into some Hell where they belonged in the first place. I quickened my pace and as I walked along, a young gal of homely character and features appeared just behind me... and she followed along, not speaking, just following, with a stern, determined expression on her face, as if she were following me with a purpose. Shortly, another young gal appeared beside her and they both followed me. - In due course, we came to a stair-way off the tunnel to the right. It too, was constructed of marble or granite, narrower than the tunnel, perhaps 4-persons wide. Rather instinctively I took the stairs which went up for about a flight, came to a landing and then narrowed to the width of no more than 2 persons across and... ended... at an angle to the right, INTO THE WALL! There was a very narrow “ledge” at a corner where the stairs ended into the wall, and around the corner, there was another tunnel that had to be taken to continue to the old house. The ledge was about the width of my foot, and in order to continue, I would have to step, foot-in-front-of-foot, around the ledge to connect. This was a hefty 2-storeys above the “main tunnel” from which I'd just departed, and there was simply nothing between me and the floor below... 2 storeys down. I was uneasy, to say the least, and a bit surprised, having not expected this, but when I turned to look toward the young ladies behind me, as they'd followed along at the same pace I was moving, I could see that they were both annoyed at my having stopped. They, apparently, needed to continue and expected the situation at hand, and I was in their way. I knew I had to keep moving, didn't want to, because the ledge was marble/granite, narrow and could be slippery, and there was a good chance I'd simply loose footing and fall, 2 storeys down, to the marble flooring below. The gals were becoming obviously more annoyed, yet they said nothing to me and as I resigned to the fact that I needed to continue... I woke.
WHAT the FUCK was THAT dream about? WHAT would put such a scenario into my unconscious? WHY would Liz be on my mind? Why her nieces? Large old stone house? Haunted? The elements alone are fascinating in their own rights. And the “familiarity” of it... as if I'd had the same or extremely similar dream before. The events weren't at all alien, for the most part. I'd dreamt of that house before, or so it seemed. There's WORK to be done with this one... Something to “pass the time” or... as the hours pass, to ponder. -11.44 Well... the post is in... the paper and another “Subscribe to TV notice” and that's that. No “bills”, no “threats”, no horror-notices. The morning is done. - I've managed to make a new “wasp trap” and hang it. AND... a thought crossed my mind (as my chest grows “heavy” again, this morning, the skies cloud, the temperature rises): I noticed Ms. Becky parked directly in front of the door again, this morning, and the screeching in the Pee-Oh... then “Ms. Maggie” parked in front of the door when Becky left. Ah... thinkst I, if they aggravate me enough, perhaps I'll simply give-up, give-in and move out... Ms. Suzie's residing in, what she describes as an extremely small space, no kitchen or proper loo. And she's mentioned that a daughter is expected to be re-locating to the area, the insinuation is that the daughter will be residing with her. What could be better than to shove me out of here, making THIS place, with two bed-rooms, available? And how much more convenient that Ms. Suzie would reside directly adjacent to the office? Not to mention, there's a nice, new screen door attached, screens on all the windows, a little garden out back, and the back yard all cleaned and appropriate for leisure. What more? Eh? The “work” is done and the place isn't only convenient to work but to living conditions. (Or, maybe I'm deprived of sufficient oxygen with my current state of health, that I'm just going senile. There's always that to be considered as well, and as long as I can be aware of that potential, I'm not “too far removed from hope”... I suppose.) But it's a thought. - I'm still working on recording last night's dream. - Vivian has wash hanging on the line so I'm not anxious to get to mowing, with consideration of kicking-up dust and the sort. Although, my wash being out yesterday didn't stop Alvin from mowing and I'm being entirely too “considerate”. Bottom line: it makes no difference. If I'm in the mood and state of health later, and weather doesn't douse the yard in rain-fall, I can get to it before the folks next-door return from work. If I do? I do. If not? Not. And I move along as the hours pass. - I should make bread. I should get to the falafel. I should ... some-thing. I will when I do. Until then... I won't. And that's my story of the day. - No back to the dream, which is turning into a short story. - 12.20 And the documenting of the dream is complete. The Pee-Oh is closed and Ms. Suzie is gone. All returns to the silence that is New Russia. And I've got this “pop-up” that until just this moment was making no sense at all... TOMORROW... the 20th, last year, was my first visit to this town, hamlet, house AND THE DAY ON WHICH I PAID THE RENT TO COMMENCE JULY 2019! THE ANNIVERSARIES ARE BEGINNING! RENT PAID IN JUNE. MOVE-IN IN JULY. A YEAR HAS PASSED ALREADY... The best thing about keeping a Journal is that I'm able to review the events of a year ago and if I have ANY sort of regrets about leaving where I was... recounting, reading, re-living those particulars makes all of this, no matter how “stressful” they might appear from time-to-time, SO MUCH HEALTHIER. (Of note: last year I mentioned wanting to go for a smoke but then not wanting to because of “heaviness in the chest”. I've been “living” with this for a year, at least, already. Well, well and my, my. - OK. It's after noon! Time to get a “roll” on here! And I haven't even finished morning coffee! THIS has to stop... I need to get into a “commonly acceptable” routine again!) - 12.41 All done again... Journals on-line to-the-moment... and the band plays on. - 13.19 Falafel is made... in the fridge to “meld and settle” I suppose. Even with fresh, finely-sliced onion. I mashed it all by hand and it seems that it'll work well for “balling” and frying. But we shall see. Too bad there's no pita and accessories to go with. But I'll toss a “tahini sauce” together... a “vegetarian meal” for tonight... until we get to the ice cream in which case, all bets are off. Pfffttt.... - 13.40 and the time moves by... Tahini is done, in the fridge. Tastes “bitter” for some reason. Oh well... we shall see what's to come... tonight and tomorrow. But I'll be making falafel on this “erev Shabbatt”. - Messages from Theresa today, in response to my “call” last night when I got her “voice-mail” and simply sang “I just called to say Howahya... G'bye.” This morning was “I'm so sorry I missed your call! Lucas wanted to play chess...” I replied “Oh not to fret, I really was just calling to say Howahya...” Follow-up with “I have been in a lot of pain...” I DO have empathy (oh do I ever). But I can't help but think “And you wanted to come all the way to NY in a few weeks?” I've no “special bed” (she has something that “creates 'zero gravity'”), a small shower in which even I barely fit. I'd love to have her come visit... but all the pain? I'd be miserable. Oh well.. We move along... indeed we do... and so I shall. The day is passing... Will I? - 18.02 And again... started meal later than 17.00 but at the moment, the only thing out of place is the mug and spoon from ice cream. As for the falafel? As one site posted: Using tinned chickpeas doesn't work... I made 13 little patties which, pretty much, turned to nothing. The flavour was certainly there and that part was delicious... even the “bitter” tahini was OK on the falafel. But the texture was ... blech. Oh well. It served the purpose. There were recommendations to add flour and an egg... I've left-over in the fridge which can, I've read, be frozen... I'll try the egg and flour next time. But for now... I DID IT! I MADE MY FALAFEL! (Will have to look into a “mix”. Zur used to get one in Brooklyn... I'll have to check.) - Lawn's not mowed and I don't particularly care. But hummie feeders are fresh, so there's that much “accomplished”. - Right now, I want a snooze... but not for long. NO LATE NIGHT TONIGHT! - 22.12 and off to bed! It's fucking HOT... and I'm, well... annoyed, bothered, bored, and... it's time to go to bed. Fukkit! Another day... gone.

Sat.20.Jun: (One year ago today, I came to New Russia and gave the rent for July 2019) 8.17 Yeah... heard the alarm and almost went back to sleep. WHAT EVuh.... “Solstice”. AND... tomorrow the sun rises a little later, sets a little sooner. The days, they'll be getting shorter again. Here we go! - Note du jour? I'm just in from smoke, and JUST as Ms. Suzie arrived. Didn't bother to wait to say... any-thing. I just don't really want to be bothered... by “that”. Couldn't help but think, already, this morning: Nancy hadn't heard of the fiasco when I arrived, Meghan and Chris don't bother with “politics” (as they are), Cliff has always been most kind, and though I'd rather believe there's an “involvement” some-how, Alvin and Vivian have always been “kind”. It's the Pee-Oh... Jeff? Just a general flake all round but came with a mower. It's more than likely the “broads of the USPS” that are the source of perturbation. That's my “thought of the morn”. - Meanwhile, the sun is shining and the fan is pulling a cooler air, and the humidity is tolerable and I'm up and about. Health report? Well, aside from the fact that I'm only just out of bed, I suppose it's what could be called, all else considered and the past truly “bad” mornings, a “good” one, this. Not “perfect”, mind. But as always: Should I wake feeling “wonderful” I'd know I'd died the night before. - Agenda? None, really. Shabbat. Leaving it all at that. It's a day left to itself. THAT should be fun. No? (Yeah, sher.) - Along we go. Coffee at hand. - 12.44 Just jotting: Thus far, it's been another rather “wasted” day. I've napped for about 30 minutes and as I type, the clouds o'er the mountains are mounting into massive billows of white and the sound of thunder is rumbling about. But the world is bathed in brilliant sun-light at the moment, the humidity isn't bad at all and the temperature is tolerable. I'd truly like to take a hike, but the body just doesn't seem to have the necessary stamina. Oh well... - And to think: Last year at about this time, I was driving along the Northway... coming to make my residence here, “official”. My... a year has passed... all too quickly. - Well? I could and should paint the drawing-room. I'd truly like to... but it's the “energy” and “stamina”. I'm a year older now than I was then... and WOW... am I ever aware of that fact. - 24.31 and 2 v-tons in and I'm late again! Not that there's any particular item on the agenda for Sunday other than a mowing (attempt). I was hoping to be IN bed to read by 21.00... but the v-tons started and there we have it. - Imagine... today was the longest day of the year. Tomorrow... we start shortening again. But... a year ago? Hell... at this hour, I was back in a one-window room, under some stairs looking forward to more work on a property that wasn't mine, I had no “interest” in and where the work wasn't for me and wasn't at all appreciated by the “owner”. (How she loved reminding “This is MY house. I pay the bills here!”) The hard time will come next month... remembering driving away from Hallie and Mimou. But for now... I'll settle for “death in sleep” if that's at all possible. - I want to quick shower before bed tonight. The place is starting to fill with tiny bugs. - I've had my fill of soc.med. again... the “new” “Loop” has its share of morons... I've walked away from there now too... “Nordländer” has... and have found a “new” Tmblr that I'm trying for the politics... the “other” is more than abundantly clear but I'll see how it all runs. - Meanwhile... time for that shower. 2 v-tons should help with sleep... though I'm not counting on it. - Sent a bit of a message to Theresa. Haven't “heard” from her in a while. Oh well... we shall see. - Time to wrap this 20th of June up... another day has commenced and I wanted to not see it...

Sun.21.Jun: 10.32 After a rather Hellish attempt or several, to get to sleep last night/this morning, the last hour I recall seeing on the clock was 3.00. The next hour was 9.30 and I didn't get out of bed until almost 9.45. I'd grabbed a quick shower and read for a while before putting the lights out and it seems, the moment the light went out, the “biting” commenced... little “stings”. The room must have been over-taken with little “things”. Covered to the neck, of course, they went for the nose, the fore-head and the eyes. I'd have to say, I fell asleep out of exhaustion. Oh, and then there were TWO FITS of a “tickle in the throat”, a dry tickle, that caused coughing and sneezing that got me out of bed. Quite the scenario, to be sure. But, here we are, another day approaching the 30s, sunny and... and I've been up and about. The nicest bit is having coffee made and ready to consume, room temp, but there it was. Sadly, it's in that mug that, well, is the replacement for the one that cracked... in... VT. I was going to send it back, via post, a year ago. I thought that just a silly waste, and here, this morning, it's on the table again. Yes, it “bothers” me. But it's here, I'm using it, and I'm sure it's not missed. I just don't like the “reminder”. - Nice morning though... quiet... no “gatherings” out-side the front door. And next door to the North, the “Mayors” are in their garden, in the heat, and Mrs. is admonishing Mr. (for what-ever reason or cause). Another “reminder”... those days of hearing the Luce-Kings. One wonders: Old men married to screeching women... folks who take their business to the air OUT-side of their houses. “Odd”, in it's own respect, when I think of how we, from immediate to extended “relatives”, were so bent on keeping one's affairs IN the house, never to let them pass a door or window. Oh well... It's a “cultural thing”, one supposes. - Fine then... As for me, now, here? Filling this day is my issue. Later, I'll try the lawn. I see no sense in clipping the grass down in the sun and heat... not only for the sake of the grass but for me as well. - Sad... I looked forward to dipping in the clear waters of these mountains, come the heat. But heat having arrived, I lock me in the house. No sun-bathing. No swimming. Just being so bloody-damned-fucking “OLD”! “Old”... it's where I've come. - Well? Today the days grow shorter again and we head back into the long nights of the Winter we've only just come out of. Who cares? Really? And there's no sense in bothering about it. There's nothing to be done to change or modify it. Let's see how it all rolls along... and for how long along. - I have to check about a “meal” this evening. 4 pieces of chicken and 3 breasts in the freezer. There's some-thing in the house. Ice cream. I should bake bread... I don't want to be arsed about it. And there are other little shits to be done to pass the time, fill the day. I'm not interested in any of it. Oh well... tonight, when it's time to get back into bed, I'll suddenly think “Oh! I can just do...” What shitterie. Another day. And it's “Fathers' Day” too. Imagine that. And out-side, it's as quiet as can be. - Coffee... and “busy”... let's get “occupied”... occupation... “busy”. - 19.38 Just in from a little weeding and some watering and météo tells me it's 29° out there, and I'll believe that... along with the “résentie” of 30. I won't believe the humidity of only 53% though because I'm just sitting here and soaked with sweat. Doors and windows open. Not a draft to be felt. And in spite of the rolls of thunder earlier this evening... not a drop of rain. - Ah... but I DID manage to break-down and put away all those boxes in the drawing-room today, and got rid of all the un-necessary packing bubbles and shit. I'd be in there right now but for the fact that I feel a bit more air circulation in the kitchen and so, here I am... - Coffee's in the press. Tea is steeping in the bowl. “Things” are attended tonight. And not a dish out of place. How efficient of me. Why? I don't know, don't care but yes, I suppose I do care... just for the sake of “leaving” a neat place behind. - Hoping to be off to, perhaps (I should check the propane but I don't want to be depressed) another quick shower before bed tonight... in not more than an hour from now. HAHAHAH! - There's a lot of traffic through town tonight. Ah, Sunday and the “visitors”. - Earlier, I'd sent along a link for “Morningside” (Neil Diamond) to Theresa and Dorothy. Theresa replied with all sorts of theistic and deistic references. Nothing from Dot... And nothing since from either. “Good correspondents”. What-ever. - And now... to see what I can “scrounge” for a bit of a snack. It'll probably break down to a bit more ice cream. I should think perhaps a naproxen before bed... to thin the old blood. It actually seems to reduce the chest “heaviness” some-how. (If I thin the blood enough and head to the river for a dip and a leech grabs hold... I'll bleed-out but so too will the leech! HAH!) - OK... Off to “watch” some “entertainment” and then to bed. If I could get up early enough in the morning, I could bake bread... which I need... and maybe some cookies? Let's see how that works out. After all... It'll be dark at those comfy hours... in shortest order. - 20.02 Time to start getting ready to finish this day! I didn't notice the time SOARING by! Reading last year's Journal for today... TODAY I got the PO Box and TODAY was major shit-slinging at 5199. WOW... And TODAY, NOW, THIS EVENING... it's utterly calm. What a difference a year makes. - 23.12 Got into tears watching “Zorba”... and missing the wedding with Vivian Colachhio. And now? No shower... to bed... as the house fills with flying insects... an 2 v-tons later.

Mon.22.Jun: 6.30 The lap-top was up at 5.00 because I'd been up from since 4.45... of my own accord. I had my coffee, pulled the flour, eggs, yeast, &c. and got right into bread-making... even before first smoke. By 6.40, the bread was on the first rise, the new wasp-trap was made and put onto the porch (first smoke with), the kitchen was back in order... the morning was on the roll. And now, I've had morning “loo”, checked e-mail (nothing, thankfully), second smoke, finishing coffee, made iced-tea... and the day is in progress. Front door is open. Temperatures are cool. Hanna has left. Julius is still in. And mowing is on the agenda... soon, I should hope but am not counting on it. I don't know why or how I'm feeling “awake” at the moment. 2 v-tons and a naproxen before bed... a bit of reading as well. Not sure, exactly, when I finally put the lights out, but I see that I didn't go to bed (with-out a shower) until after 23.00 last night. To be honest, I some-how woke and got into the “swing” thinking I'd probably take a coronary in the midst of kneading the bread. Truth be told... my throat feels a touch “awkward”... as if there's some sort of some-thing just not “correct”. There's a “dusty” feeling from throat to chest. But I'm not as “phlegmy” (“phlegmish”?) as I've been of late. Oh well... “time will tell” what's to come. And to come is, I'm sure, a “snooze” when the Pee-Oh opens. I'm not expecting any-thing with today's post so... vit.C isn't due until Wednesday (Bills-Day). So we'll just do as we do... roll along. Bread should be ready for the oven in about 30 minutes and that still gives me time to “enjoy” the morning. What-ever. (I'd really like to get to the lawn though... it would almost be fun to get out there and start the mower now... I'm just SO PISSED that I even have to wonder about it running through the entire job. The worst part is the back, close to the house. Oh well... Jeff bought the shit, I paid another 40 to have it repaired after only 3 runs. It ain't me... And probably good for folks to see the damned thing not working... Alvin knows “the story”, but I seriously doubt he'd mention it... it doesn't fit the “narrative” of “city boy can't mow a lawn”. Oh... me and my cynicism.) - Moving along... It's what we do. - 9.37 Two loaves of bread done. Kitchen carpet sponge-cleaned (there were drops of some-thing all over it and, well... cleaning is cheaper than buying new). Even quick-sponged the kitchen floor. Planted some Shasta Daisy seeds which I'd bought but lost until I hit the drawing-room yesterday. They're in the “18-count” egg-tray. We'll see how they turn out. They're “dollar store”. Oh well... AND I napped from 7.30-8.30 whilst the bread rose the second time. And there's NO evidence of ANY sort of activity in the kitchen at all... even the press is cleaned and in the drying-rack. I tellya. What a morning. And just in time too... it's starting to heat up! - It appears that Julius is “in” but Hanna is “out”. Oh well... I figure, if energy serves, round about 10.30-ish I'll give the mower a try? We shall see... when the hour arrives. Meanwhile... the house is “in order” and that's a delight. As I say... quite the morning already. - 10.47 House-work is done. Bread is done. ALL is done. And Vivian's got wash on the line... so... I'll postpone the lawn for a while. I don't care. I'm in the mood but not in the energy. - Nothing (again... suspiciously... I'm expecting the “Medicare” card) in today's post. But no mail is no bills and I'm fine with that. This week is “Bill-Pay” any-way. - I might just go for another lie-down. Why? Why not? I've accomplished my 6 hours of “work” for the day. - 15.29 AND... THE MOW IS LAWNED!!! Just done. With a many a-sputters and about 4 good blasts of thick, pale grey smoke. And a little hand-trimming and... Then I went to re-arrange the wasp-traps out front and my kippa fell off and as I grabbed for it... SLAMMED m'self proper in the left eye. Can't wait to see if it goes black. - Anyway... I'm a sweating mess now... laundry this evening to be sure. But not now... NOW? Were it not for the heat and humidity, both quite high, I'd be in the garage cutting pallets. But NOOooo! Not now! - (Been putting this off for the longest but just checked the propane: 55%. Not bad... not great. Not this month. - Anywaaaaay.... - Text from Theresa. A video. I'm not in the mood, really. So it's time to ponder “meal”. Pasta? Tuna? Salmon? There's BREAD! So... - And I'm smoking entirely too much today. Oh well... - I also MUST call Richie... for the brakes... before ALL the money's gone from the banque! FUCK ME! - 22.11 An evening of “Mock the Week” with 2 v-tons and now, after a shower... here AND out there too... yes, a bit of rain! (I would LOVE to put the trees out but I don't trust the leaf-eaters. Orange? Mango? I'd get up in the morning to twigs... and a pissed mood that would never go away. I'll have to put them in the shower... poor things. They'd probably ADORE a good “shower”.) - Anyway... I'm out of the shower. Laundry tomorrow. Let's hope it's another 5.00 day? Eh? - And that's about that. - Oh... some-thing came and got the only TWO beautiful strawberries that grew and ripened on the front porch! I'm fucking livid. But... that's the mountains... little shits. - And earlier, at one point, one little hummie-fellow actually played a bit of “peek-a-boo” with me... flew between the Southern rails, buzzed just out of sight and then came back through them! Flew toward me and then to the feeder. I LAUGHED! They're my little Friends now... My onlies, as it were. - Off to bed. The windows are all shut. One screen in the drawing room got blown again this evening. Need to nail. This house expands, contracts, shifts... it's amazing. - Shut-down and power-off time.

Tue.23.Jun: 6.55 It is. I am. We are. What-ever. I did wake before the 5.00 alarm. I turned the phone off so it would sound... and went back to sleep. It's 21°, clear skies after a night of rain, apparently. The fan was still blowing though. So I turned that off. And I dozed until about 6.30, thinking about making a chair, washing clothes... and staying in bed. But here I am. - Coffee, this morning, is... well, 10 “teaspoons” was a bit too much. Couldn't “press” it this morning and it's so strong that it had to be “watered-down” a touch. Won't be doing THAT again. - Meanwhile, a touch “itchy” this morning, after last night's scrub-down shower which was needed after mowing in the heat and humidity yesterday. But I woke clean... and with that “clasp” round the chest and a “rock” in there. Part of it is the anxieties of tomorrow's bill-paying and going weeks with just about nothing and needing the brakes done on the truck. I don't know why I have these anxieties over such. I've managed with absolute nothing before. Oh... I've become my Oma: I've nothing to worry about so I worry about forgetting something I should worry about. Ach! - 13.58 Screen tacked. “Detecor” attached. 1 pallet knocked-down. Limbs in storm left alone. Chat with Julius r/t elelct jum of 100. Avery here 32$. Having lunch. Spoke with Ev. Video heart attack. BS msg from Theresa rt vid. - 19.29 The sun is... still in the sky, and the temperature and humidity are still about as high. And tonight's “meal” was last night's left-over rice and salmon with a splash of vinegar (to call it “salad”?). And other than the quick notes from this after-noon... I've napped. But I'm just back from a run to town for smokes where I bumped into Hanna. How wonderful! Been here just under a year and it really is “home-town-ish”. - Anyway, whilst I'm still with open eyes (and breathing)... about the earlier notes. - Since the one screen went flying in last evening's rain and wind, it got tacked today, in the heat! So now, all 4 screens “should” be secure... we shall see. - So whilst I was with ladder, I climbed up to re-fasten that “motion sensor” (that isn't working but just dangles) under the front porch eve. Looks shitty but at least it's not dangling. I just don't have the “oompf” to be arsed about it. - DID manage to knock-down ONE pallet in the garage but it was so hot and humid that I just left the lumber there... for another attempt on another day when it's a bit easier on the old body to pound, saw, cut, nail, screw. One of these days. (I can hear mother's voice: “What's the hurry?”) - The nicely-stacked limbs in the back came a-tumblin' down in yesterday's “blust”, but they fell almost neatly so I'm just leaving them as they are. Convenient for “fire-pit” (which I have to figure out, one of these days). Again... too hot and humid to be bollocksed. - AVERY CAME BY WHILST I WAS IN THE GARAGE! Funny (not), since I'd just checked the tank last evening. Thankfully, it came to 31,58$ (if paid in 10 days), so, although I truly CAN'T afford it, I'm not PLUMMETTING into depression over it AND... I can shower nicely. - Had a charming chat with Julius who's having a bit of a panic of his own: his electric bill jumped 100$ in a month! He's having NYSEG come have a look-see. Good. Maybe we'll ALL benefit? (I still have to pay them almost 400$ this month any-way... then 80$/mo. for the next year... fuck me much.) - HAD A WONDERFUL CHAT WITH EV TODAY TOO! We laughed a couple of times, thankfully. We touched on the situation in The City. She's some-what aware. I'm just happy and relieved that she's in CT and, as she intimates, in the middle of no-where. She's enjoying her birds, annoyed by squirrels. I'm enjoying my birds, annoyed by chipmunks. And all is well with the world... as far as the “old folks” go. - AND... this morning, on Twtr, there was a video...
Obviously, either Sunday or Monday night, some Blacks tossed fire-works on a Homeless guy, sleeping on a side-walk... AND NOT ONLY DID THEY RECORD THE ACT, IT'S BEEN POSTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA! THEY'RE PROUD OF THEIR SHIT! WELL... to be BRUTALLY honest, this morning, the pressure in my chest was so intense that I truly believed that THIS morning was my last! The pain of seeing that poor man attacked, abused and almost murdered coupled with the anger and HATE that welled-up through my entire being... my arms, hands, fingers, legs, feet and toes all “tingled and buzzed”. Yes, I thought it was “the very end”. Truly? I've had more than I can stand of this bull-shit. (Add to that, this evening, on “The Five”, Guttfeld, Perino, Watters and of course, Williams, ALL made rather light of it when they had the audacity to show the video, briefly. Yes, I hit Twtr to tell: Not watching any more. The fucking wastes... the lot of them. I'm disgusted. Time to find some-thing else to keep company at 5pm... The news is OUT of the house! I can't handle the discomfort and pain.)
I sent a copy/link to Theres and the response? “It's so disgusting watching this country as it devolves into madness. That's why I watch very little news anymore. I can't handle the emotions that it arouses. So I spend my days listening to music and watching the birds. ... This morning I saw a red-headed woodpecker and my lady friend, Mrs. Hummingbird made an appearance, all before 7 a.m. I have to find good wherever there is any. I've been spending hours meditating. It's going to get much worse before things finally start to improve, so I need all the peace I can muster. We're at the end of an age and it's going to be a wild ride. Take excellent care of you! I need you! The world needs you. With all my love, Theresa” I suppose I can understand her point on the matter, but it all just reads so apathetic. Well? I've been in a “mind-set” of late: not bothering to keep in touch with anybody. Hey... the phone works 2 ways... and I'm the one making the calls... no more. I'll just leave it all at that. I can't really expect others to have any compassion... especially non-New Yorkers and then, those who've never been “on the streets”. Oh well... One of these days... NONE of this will matter... to me... and NONE of me will matter... to any-body else. Amen. - For now? I suppose 'tis time to settle down. Tomorrow is “la Fête”... the border is closed until 21 July so there won't be any mass influx of Québec. Maybe I'll head into town and get crisps and some kind of cheese and a tin of nasty gravy... “poutine Americaine” or something. We shall see. - Oh... the truck will go to Richie on Thursday evening for over-night. HOPEFULLY the grinding is nothing more than A (that's “A”... as in ONE) brake! He said he'll get to it on Friday... I've 1200 to put into the truck ... and that's got to cover the registration as well... IF the fucking DMV ever re-opens in this shit-hole. Well? I took the loan specifically for the truck. There it goes then. - For now... a v-ton is called for... I'm calling... a bit of “entertainment” and off to bed for an early tomorrow (HAH!) I've HAD it with this day... - BUT BUT BUT... HERE I AM, IN A DREAM-TURNED-REALITY... FOR A YEAR! THE ADIRONDACKS! I'M HERE! And all is relatively well... actually, it's as “well” as *I* choose it to be... I NEED to choose with greater discrepancy. - 24.09 2 v-tons and a bunch of “Mock The Week” and some “Gab” and here we go again... LATE! And this is “Pay The Bills” day! Off we go then. NAP time... I can only hope. The v-tons aren't really kicking in.

Wed.24.Jun: (Alvin actually came over, out of his way, whilst I worked on another pallet in the garage, to “inquire” about the situation concerning Becky! Says he: “You know we worry about losing the post office...” &c. Indeed, and I told him, in no uncertain terms, what the situation is and that I've insisted upon Postal Inspectors following-up. Says he: “I'll talk with her about it and if you have any more troubles, I'd appreciate it if you'd come to me with them. I've been handling these sorts of things for a long. time.” I politely informed him that I have 27 years of Postal work experience, I'm familiar with the rules and regulations and that this is strictly a matter between Becky and I, according to Postal regulations and all I'm demanding is reciprocal respect, which I'm not receiving and am entitled to. As I said, she's not paying my food, rent, utilities, and I'm paying their hot water, un-begrudgingly. I will not tolerate this. I know the regulations and will pursue the matter on that basis. I'm bitter and unforgiving for the trouble she's caused me. 9.47 BILLS ARE PAID!!! AT LONG, LONG LAST! Rent cheque in the post. Call made to NYSEG for “payment arrangements”. Call to Avery to pay yesterday's propane delivery... with “confirmation number”. ALL IS DONE! And all from since about 6.00... when I dragged me out of the bed after getting to lights-out at about 1.00 this morning. Thankfully, after a slight bout of leg-contractions, and a bit of reading... sleep came and lasted through the night. It's been quite the day already! Thankfully, instead of having about 5$/week left until next month, I've managed to bring it up to about 20$. Still... even the PO Box is paid for another year. Yes, indeed... ALL BILLS ARE PAID! “Accomplishment”... and “responsibility”... what a fuck. - And the sun is shining. A cool breeze is blowing in through the open windows. I've just registered a “bitch” with the Pee-Oh about Ms. Becky parking in front of the door and other-wise, all in New Russia is well... Well? (I'm actually a touch hungry and pondering a snooze... in celebration of the accomplishments of this morning.) This was a particularly tough morning because of the over-whelming “Accounts Due”. But a phone call or two and... the stress of off! The only thing I'm left with is the “Medicaid” bull-shit... and I might just still get to that. - Meanwhile... there are more pallets in the garage that need to be broken-down and turned into a chair. But I'll wait a bit before getting out there and hammering... in spite of the fact that the state “DOT” is doing some sort of fuckery just down the road, two large trucks idling, There's some kind of “fill” that has to be dumped and the laugh is that the truck carrying said “fill” put ruts in the “park” and had to be pulled out. Welcome back to NY... a little bit of “Tardsville” in the mountains. - And so... the morning rolls along. Indeed... time for a bit of a snooze until, at least, 10.30 when I'll check the post and get on with the day. (Just waiting for Ms. Becky to come rolling back round... qunt.) - 18.42 Meal and all such are done. Just in from tossing stuff into the compost and doing a little weeding in the back garden. - As noted at the beginning of today's entry, I managed to break-down another pallet. The wood's really shitty but it will do, especially for a “proto-type” so we shall see. It was a BEAUTIFUL day today, weather-wise and if tomorrow gives another, perhaps I'll get to assembling... hopefully I'll have enough screws (and if not, thankfully I have enough money to buy some more). - I stopped by to chat with Julius, asked if he'd be interested in taking this place if I were to move. I told him of the situation and left it at “I'm looking.” Let that word get around. Fukkem! I don't really WANT to leave here but, should the truck manage and I can find affordable farther North... so be it... I'll leave these old mountains... and go back to the border. Fukkit. Fukkem. (Although, Alvin DID say that the folks appreciate how nicely I'm keeping this place. Yeah? Fukkoff!) - So meal (left-over rice with an added tin of tuna and some vinegar followed by ice cream) is done. And of course, the house is settled again. I'm just looking forward to a v-ton (or 2) and getting off to bed... EARLY! Why early? No particular reason. Just because. Tomorrow evening I'll drive the truck up to Richie and leave it there for him for Friday... and pray that all goes well with it and it doesn't “break the banque”. Ah... alas. - And on that note... THE BILLS ARE PAID FOR ANOTHER MONTH and the sun is turning golden. - I also checked and made a list of the Post Offices I've worked in over the years. I wonder how many of those PMs are still kicking these days. I doubt Marion is. - 22.13 and I'm “late'...again. ANd off to the shower after 3 v-tons. “PULL IN” is all I can think of at the moment. One bitch in the way. As Bob (Bender) said: All of the troubles I've ever had in my life were cause by women.” Becky. - Meanwhile, the 3 v-tons... have caused “focus”. - It's been hours of “Mock The Week” and I'm on a roll and looking forward to no alarms for the morning. I'm tired... of the bull-shit. THIS is NOT why I came here to the Adirondacks. I AM “bitter” now... - And now I'm off to a quick shower and to bed. FUCK the idiots. - Oh... and all the “caring”? No messages nor phone calls.

Thu.25.Jun: *TRUCK: 2 YEARS* 8.05 WHAT a night! AND WHAT a morning! And WHAT kind of a DREAM last night! - Let's run through this... some-how. Firstly, yes, as of today, I've had the truck TWO YEARS. (And this evening or tomorrow morning, VERY early, it will be back in the garage for MORE work.) It's been 2 years of either having it or not having it or some-thing. And again, as has been usual, it goes back into the shop. More money being put into it. The “consolation” is that I keep remembering that Richie says that all of this is “routine maintenance”, things that would normally need repair/replacement and that “It's a keeper”. So? So... And how nice to be able to pull the page from 2018 and read the account of the trip to Colchester. Ah... those days. Thankfully, they're all “then”... and “there”... and not “here” and “now”. Two years. That went by rather quickly. - As for the night, well... THREE v-tons again, though the last was on the “light” and “small” sides, still... I'll just NEVER learn. I'm not necessarily feeling too much the worse for it, though it is obvious, to me, that 3 are entirely too, TOO many. I'm “here”. I'm rather “well-enough”, but just not “properly correct” No problem though... save my face and chin. I'd gone in for a rather nice shower before bed, rather, as noted above, later than I should have done, and when I came out of the shower, I decided to “trim” my beard... short... EXCEEDINGLY AND ENTIRELY TOO CLOSE! IT'S BARELY STUBBLE! ALMOST NON-EXISTENT AT ALL! I DO *NOT* LIKE THIS! OK. So it's not terribly terrible... yes it is... It's about as short as it's ever been from since the days when it started growing. I looked into the mirror and thought of mother, asking “Just once before I die, please shave so that I can see the face under it all... once before I die.” and I wouldn't, then. Well? If she's about here any-where, she can see it now! Actually, the worst bits about it are that this morning is a cool 66F (as I see on the fan in the bed-room) and I can feel the coolness on my face... and it's uncomfortable. And, because the hair is white, it's almost invisible... the stubble, so it almost appears “clean shaven” and I'm not used to seeing me like this. I'm ever-so self-conscious. Oh, alas, and such-is-the-shit. Let's see how long it will take to “fill in” again. If I could, I'd head to the river for a bit of sun, put some colour into these cheeks (and jowls, as they are). But I doubt that's to happen today. (Though I do have to make a run for smokes at some point... We shall see... the run for smokes will happen, I might leave the truck at Richie's at that point, but... we shall see.) It's probably not a bad idea though, all told, to have done it. Give the old face an airing. (I'll probably die now... looking like this. Funny, that, though. Nobody who's known me before, ever, will see me any-way. I'll be scooped-up and hauled off and done-in... alone. That's kind of comforting.) - OK, moving along. It was EXACTLY mid-night when I finished reading “Home At The End of The World” (again). Imagine that. To finish the book (and the day) at exactly mid-night. I'd showered, done the damage, and gotten into bed with enough time to do that much reading. “Erich” was still alive and still dying, “Clare” had taken “Rebecca” and gone, and “Jonathan” and “Bobby” went out to the fields, in the middle of the night, to scatter “Ned's” ashes. There never really was any particular “closure” on the entire story... But there it is. And I've re-re-re-read the book... again. Tonight, it's “O. Henry”... “The Last Leaf” and others. (There's 100 “selected stories” in the volume now at bed-side. Something to look forward to. - Now, as for the DREAM... I don't recall how, or even if it had a start, but it was interrupted at 5.00 for the alarm I heard, stopped and returned to “sleep” with, this morning. The only particular that I recall is:
I was laying in bed, or I was in bed, either waking or just there for what-ever reason. The room was the “drawing-room” here, or, at least it was that same colour. The covers were askew, after a fashion, and there were other people in the room. It was quite light, and bright, un-like most of my dreams that take place in shades of grey or at night. It was “1st person”. As I sat up in the bed, I happened to notice bits of a house-plant at the foot of the bed and wondered how they'd gotten there. Leaned over to pick them up and discovered that the shelf that was on the wall, along-side the bed, had fallen, come loose from the wall. It was the same sort of shelving I have in the house here: screws holding wire and string holding the shelf to the wall... and, like here, questionably secure. Plants had crashed to the floor between the bed and the wall, as if the shelf had slipped down into the space. There were several plants on the floor, all scattered about. I'd just gotten up to clean the mess, a bit hurt because of the loss of the plants, but consoled in that I knew I could re-start them, once I'd cleaned the mess when I woke.
OK. So... A shelf falling off the wall. Plants damaged. The consolation of knowing that the plants could be re-planted and re-started. (Maybe... the “damage” to the beard and the knowing that it will grow back? What-ever. Some-thing of the sort must have been in my mind. What-ever it was... as with all... “Time will tell”. - And there we have it. That's the night. - As for this morning, I'm still annoyed, agitated by the notion that Becky went to Alvin to whine about her “dissatisfaction” about a situation that's of her own making. And this morning, I'm resolved to simply staying away from the lot of them... from the PO to the rest of the hamlet. I'll handle the matter as I must. As I said to Alvin: I'm bitter and un-forgiving about the lies, deceit, the connivance of it all. Hey! Even HE had to admit: I've put a lot of work into keeping this place quite nice and presentable, and as I think, from time-to-time, during the Winter, I was out there, early in the morning, with shovel, clearing the parking area and front ramp/porch of the PO... *I* was out there, getting it cleared as much as possible, before anybody arrived there for work. So no-one can say that I didn't TRY to “become part of the hamlet” and no-body can say that I've done nothing about the place. Oh... they CAN say... but they'd all be full of shit, which never stopped any-body (especially the type that I seem to be surrounded by here... “libs”) from so-saying... proudly. - Oh... I've nothing really on any agenda today, save trying to assemble some sort of chair and/or knocking-down 3 more pallets (if that's what I choose to do with them) and a smokes-run at some point of the day. I've the opportunity to stay in here, away from all, for the entire day, should I so-choose... and choose so I do. (The beard, the bitches, the nonsense... I've neither time nor tolerance.) - 8.51 Ms. Suszie's arrived and I've moved into the drawing-room for the morning. I shall “s'amuse” for the morning... for the next 2 hours and such. It's nice to have this room here. I'm “blessed”. Now... on with the day... or... what-ever. - 12.38 Both “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” books arrive today. I managed to spend the entire morning in the house. It was relatively quiet too... with reference to the PO. - Had to clean the counter-top in the kitchen. Tiny ants all over! Can't figure out why. - But now... heading to the garage to disassemble another pallet... if I'm not going to be “building” I'll get the materials needed... and then... roll into town for a quick trip and see about leaving the truck this evening or tomorrow morning. - 14.47 and the time has been used... breaking-down 2 pallets. I believe I've enough lumber now to make, at least, one “Adirondack-style” chair. Now to get the screws and hit the saw... tomorrow... perhaps. Well? Tomorrow I won't have the truck so... - And I've weeded both little gardens, rather nicely. I just don't have the “interest” in either of them. I'm thinking the soil isn't nutrient-rich enough to “support life”. I needed that fertiliser. Oh well and alas. Live and learn. They will be what they will be. At least it got me out of the house for a couple of hours. - And now, I'm pondering my trip into town and whether or not to leave the truck now. I just might. It's hot out, but there's a breeze and the walk will probably do me some good. - I thought, today: My blood-work always presented a problem and the folks at Richford discovered that it “clumps”... I wonder if that's not the cause for all my “chest heaviness”... clumping of blood. The naproxen seems to help with it, and that thins blood. (Of course, yesterday, I cut my hand on the top of a tuna tin and my blood literally flows for quite the while. It does, eventually, stop. But it even appears “thin”. So I wonder... “Thinners”? I'll stick to the “OTC” thank you. - OK. So much for this. - I've got a book to wrap and send off tomorrow. A note to go with. Oddly, one of the books received, had a note that had been glued into the front cover. From a “Doctor” who'd given the book, in 1973, to his daughter, one supposes. I was considering giving that copy to Theresa but have decided on the other. I'll keep the “inscribed”, considering the “medical” association there-with. - I'm “passing time” here. I should be off and on the road before... - 22.38 Well, another day... The truck is at Richie's. Let's see how much THIS round is going to cost... on the anniversary of the purchase. - Funny, I think, how nobody's sent a text, made a call... I'm not keeping in touch with anybody. “They care”. Fuck. - Alvin and Vivian strolled by this evening. I told them of the fox family that I'd seen on my walk back from Richie's this evening. Thankfully, they weren't all too concerned. But I'm sorry I missed the chance to get a photo. Mother and 2 little ones. Vivian complimented me on the flowers out front. - I bought more “Miracle Grow” and put some in the kitchen garden. May as well... the soil's shit. - Meal? The rest of the pasta with tuna and tomato sauce with the last of the ice cream. Need more food? I think so. - 2 v-tons “in” and ready for beddie. - Tomorrow morning, I'll jot a note, pack the book to Theresa. - And other-wise... somebody's “camping” at Cliff's. I saw the “light” in a tent over there just now when I went out for a smoke. - Oh... and at the stroll of Alvin and Vivian, she commented on the strawberries... (I've eaten the 3 I managed to salvage... not bad, not great) and when the “snake” was discussed, Alvin made a point of telling that “Jeff” doesn't like snakes (or spiders). Oh yes? Well, tell Jeff to stay the fuck off the porch. (I'm supposing it will go “missing” now. I'm sick of this shit.) - OK.... time for bed... O. Henry's waiting... So too... Jonathan Livingston Seagull. - No shower. I haven't the incentive nor the energy. (Nor do I care... I'll make a wash of the linens.) - Closing thought for the day? “Fukktit! Fukkit all!” Good night.

Fri.26.Jun: 10.09 Well! I woke with the 5.00 alarm and at 5.10, decided to get up and out of bed and rolling... Rolling? Indeed. Coffee. vitamins, dressed, out for smoke, back in to make the iced-tea that had been steeping over-night. Next? On to jotting a note to go with the “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” book that is now packed, wrapped and ready to post to Theresa (I'm just waiting to be sure I won't have to run into the “Carrier”). - That said, at 7.45 this morning, the “Leggo Boiz” were at it with their mowers across the road. To think, I do my best to be as quiet as possible until, at least, 10.00. No more. Fukkem. Fukkemall! And so, of course, when I went to have a lie-down on the futon for about an hour, dust in the air. If this is how it's been all along, it's no wonder Joan had such trouble breathing here! Between the dust and shit kicked up by the mowing, and the “road-washing” I just experienced... the poor woman must have been in HELL! (And then there was Alden: “She needs bug gulps of fresh, clean air.” r/t the “no smoking” issue. Oh... never mind all that.) - Anyway, on another note... NO MORE v-tons! I'm “feeling” it again... the pain in the lower right in my back... Liver, I shouldn't doubt. I'm not 18 any longer. And this has happened before. There's no sense in exacerbating it. Dying of liver failure is one thing... but the lingering and pain and incapacitation is NOT a state I welcome. Time to “flush” a bit. I'll miss my v-tons... but I won't miss the “pain”. - Well? Here we go... off to the Pee-Oh... - 10.48 “JLS” is off to Theresa. Had a nice chat with Suzie... Alvin had just left before I got there. But as I say, the chat with Suzie was fine... no mention of “anything” (Becky-related). So... there we have it. And the book went at 2,80! YAY! - Back door is open. It's warmer out there than in here. And no word on the truck so.. on with the rest of the day. Perhaps a bit of work on a chair? I'm “tired” at the moment... hungry but not. Just “one of those days”... as usual. Not looking forward to the walk up to the garage. But... the last time it was in, Richie rang at about 10.30... Suzie had run me up to drop me off. We shall see. (I won't ask for a lift today anyway.) - 14.22 OK... so I spent about an hour, on-line, doing the “Re-Cert” for FS. They sent an envelope FULL of pages... individual pages, all folded, individually... what a mess! But page 1 indicated that it could be done on-line and so it was. That was followed by another snooze for another hour. I'm just feeling so tired. - And just now... I tried calling Richie to see what/if/who/when/where/how much the truck is/was/will be and... there's no answer at the phone. Hmmm... I wonder. He was so assuring that “We'll have it back to you on Friday.” when I spoke with him earlier in the week. I suppose I could take a walk up, it would probably do me some good. But it's a touch “warm” and there are some rain clouds gathering above. I'll check the weather, see what's what with that and I've a tea steeping... maybe after that. As I say... the walk will probably do me some good. I'm just curious about the situation. They used to be open Mon-Wed. But last time it was mentioned, he said they're open Mon-Fri. And me, with the way I think, I wonder if it isn't some sort of “tragedy”... either with the truck or with Richie or Ben. One never knows... A walk up will answer some-thing. - Anyway... the day passes and I also need to figure something for tonight's meal. No dessert though. I was almost planning on getting some-thing for both when I went to fetch the truck. Ah... such is life, I suppose. - 19.37 And the day rolls away. - This after-noon, at about 14.00, I rang Richie about the truck. NO ANSWER. So... at about 15.00, I got my boots on (with “hiking socks”, as it were) and headed out. BUT... got into a REALLY GREAT CHAT WITH VIVIAN as she gardened at the “Community Garden”. Oh... I got history lessons and she got one of me, so now, I'm “better known”, which is fine by me. Come to find out, Richie's from Orange County. Must ask where. Since he's about my age, this should be interesting. (I forgot to ask him later when...). Anyway, I got to Richie's at about 16.15 and they were just leaving! NOW... for the “news”: Right front (passenger's side) caliper was busted! “Hanging”, as Richie put it! I've a feeling “Caleb” worked on that one... I'll have to check. But I'm almost positive. Fuckers, those shit-bags VT. And so it comes that it was a COMPLETE BRAKE JOB! AND... THE FRONT LEFT (driver's side) HAS TO HAVE NEW PADS TO BALANCE THE BRAKES AND THOSE I KNOW WERE JUST DONE... CALEB! So... Richie says the truck will be ready on Monday and he's done it at a great cost and if I pay cash, it'll cost me even less... Probably about 600$, half of what I have in savings now... but, the money in savings is the loan and the loan was for the truck so it works out OK...ish. Still, I'm relieved I can afford it (for now). But I'm lividly pissed... Were I the type, I'd ... but I'm not so, never mind all that. The fun bit? Richie gave me a lift back to the house! Imagine that! And it's not “on his way”. (Come to find out, he used to live in the house at the corner of the Lakota! Well, well, well... then. - And so, believe it or not, I was back in time for news and meal. - “Meal”... I took some “Stew Veggies”, added some Brussel sprouts, seasoned, black beans and 2 eggs, served on bread slices. Suffices. Not great, but suffices. (Tomorrow, I'll bake some chicken.) Sadly, no dessert, but that's OK too. And it was all done by... 18.00. - From since, I toddled across to tell Cliff that he should help himself to the wood in the back yard. His son “Ben” answered the door and we chatted. Ben lives in Harrison! “Westchester”! It's still rather “taking” to meet people from places I'm so familiar with. Ah... New York... I AM back. - And now... I'm going to post these 8 pages here, on the lap-top, to the on-lines and, it would seem, I'll grab a shower and get to bed to read until. Tomorrow? IF I have one, will tend to itself. Maybe I'll “enjoy Shabbat” with a “hobby” I enjoy... I'll try to make a chair. Seems the hamlet knows I'm making one and they're curious. (Nothing like a bit of pressure. But I don't mind.) - Listening to the “Adirondack” compilation on the iPod... which was put together for a “repose under the trees... in the Adirondacks.” - 20.14 Pages done... all on-line... Photos on the domain... And now? SO tempted to have a v-ton but I truly shouldn't, unless I want more pain tomorrow, which I do not. We shall see. There's nothing but bread and butter to have with so... Perhaps a shower and bed would be best... Actually, I'm rather happy I didn't get the truck this evening. I WOULD have gone into town for more vodka... and I most certainly do NOT “need” that! Ah... “Fate”... working in “mysterious ways”. (Speaking of which... still not a blip from Theresa... How easily all the “love” slips by...)

Sat.27.Jun:

7.55 After a horrid night of 2 or 3 bouts of foot and leg contractions that got me out of bed, and ITCHCING again (the itching might/must be liver... v-tons... over-indulging) I woke at 5.00 and decided to doze... “doze”... until about 7.37. Oh well. It's not as if there was some dreadful reason to be up and about at 5.00. And I didn't bother with the shower before bed, thinking I might get to the chair today. We shall see. - It's a touch over-cast, humid this morning. But the one thing I must note is that it's another one of those mornings of thinking ”This just feels like another one of those 'This is the last day.' The “heaviness” of chest and breathing and moving and just “being”. I'm growing a bit annoyed by that. The pre-occupation with “the last day”. And the not knowing and not wanting to know what's going on with this old body... as it approaches 65 years. And putting more money into the truck... the truck, the sale of which might cover the expenses of disposal of my old carcass... might. Not to mention the “who” of “who will handle the disposal” and such things that are that. It's annoying now. But there's no sense in allowing this to take control. What will be, will be. Nothing in all of Creation, is eternal... I don't wish for “it” to happen... I just wish for it to simply “stop”... preferably whilst I sleep. - That said, there was a bit of an odd dream (as if none of them are “odd”) this morning before waking. I note:
The main matter was a “window”. And old window in a bed-room in an old flat in an old building. Joe lived there, and very young Joe. The window was a double, as is mine here, and there was some sort of “need” to cover it, perhaps, like mine, to keep the drafts out, particularly the one the was at the head of the bed, as it is with mine, here. The “over-lay” of the dream and the physical “here” was strong. We were out and about for some reason, and happened upon a place where there was a “panel” of sorts, of a “window” that had some “stained glass” in it. Thinking it would be perfect to cover the one window in question, Joe and I and sister, went to the other old house and removed half of the “panel” to bring to Joe's. We had no permission, it was some-what “on the sly” but we got it back to the bed-room and when we go there, as I went to “install” it, instead of it being glass, I discovered that it was plexi. Even more? There was no “stained glass” on it! Just one large panel of plexi! As it seemed, all the “stained glass” had some-how vanished as we brought it to the bed-room! And instead of it being framed in wood, it was merely some kind of tape... a white tape. All the “beauty” of it was gone, gone, vanished. But it was there, and, as I stated in the dream, it served the purpose, so I proceeded to “install” it, by pressing it into place, rather as I did with the screens I've made for my own windows, though the panel was on the in-side. It was a bit precarious as the windows in the room were old and I daren't lean on them nor press too heavily, and it was several storeys up. The dream ended as I was trying to get this large panel of plexi to fit snuggly.
And there we have it. - So, right now, the irritation of the morning is the itching in my hands and fingers. I've had this before and I don't like it any more today than I've done in the past. It's a “deep” sort of itching, under the skin. It started when I got back from Richie's last evening. And as for the contractions last night, all I can think is that the simple 1-mile walk to Richie's brought them on. Maybe because of the heat? A bit of dehydration? Over-heating? Am I growing THAT fucking frail? Who knows? And... why the fuck not? Again, no sense in pondering or obsessing. “Old”... quite battered, when thought of with any seriousness. I mean, c'mon... bars, discos, drinking, dancing, living in cars, on streets, under trees, working and eating 50-cent pastries... this old body's taken quite the beating over the years. The constant stress associated with so much... even in youth with all the beatings and being so hated ALL of the time. (And I should believe that there's some “benevolent, loving, caring, nurturing, protecting “God”? BOLLOCKS! As Sam Adams put it, 52 years ago... as it were: “God is the excuse people make for things they can't explain.” How true... how true... how terribly, utterly true. And then there's my own: “Though 'altruism' is a slow and painful death sentence, doing for others simply for the sake of so-doing is 'better than' doing because of some abstract promise of a 'reward'... AFTER death.” And so, there's this morning's philosophy and now 'tis time to move along. I want to re-check the repairs history on the truck and keep a record. Not only for my own reference but... for when “the time” comes and it “needs” to be sold. There-after? Let's see if there IS a “there-after”... and handle it as is appropriate. (There's some kind of “stone” moving about in my upper chest and throat this morning. Oh well... On we go.) - 21.58 Got into “Lily Savage” videos this evening and the time, again, slid by! - The day was lovely, toward the latter part, sunny and breezy and delightful. had I the pallets, I'd've put together a chaise-longue and sunned. But alas, as it turns out, I managed to go through all the receipts for the work done on the truck (over 4k$) and noticed a lot of “brake work” done that's needing to be RE-done. Not happy at all, but at least it's all in quite lovely order in the files now. And then I hit the utility bills and such. That file is nice and ordered... and my day went right by. - “Meal” this evening: chicken with Cuban rice and black beans. Sadly, no dessert. But it's food. - In other “news”, my hands are SO ITCHY again tonight and now, I was going to shower but have decided not to bother... I'll make a wash tomorrow instead and then work on a chair, I do believe. - It's a lovely night, a bit of rain fell. It's nice and comfortable again. And of course, at the moment, my chest is well... I just dread laying down... and the “contractions” in the legs and feet will kick in. I could take a naproxen (no drinking... I'm just getting rid of that “back pain”) but although it's probably good for the ticker, I'm sure it's playing havoc on the liver... and kidney and liver troubles produce “itching” so? So... - So for now... time to get to the book. O.Henry awaits... and tomorrow? As Suzie said today when we had a lovely chat: “You think too much.” (with regard to my worrying about driving the truck), and “I LOVE this job.” and “You have to learn to take every minute as it comes and stop thinking about the next one.” Indeed... I have to agree.

Sun.28.Jun: 6.27 Up, dressed, coffee, smoke on the porch in the cool, damp morning. The clouds are mixing with the morning fogs and the world appears flat, the mountains are covered, hidden from view. It was a painful night again last night. And a shame, really, because it was a some-what early one. Lights went out at about 22.30. But I was rudely awakened by the usual “contractions” 2 or 3 times during, where I had to get up out of the bed for a few moments. And I was up and awake at about 5.00, give or take, but put me back to sleep. The itching on the hands is still with. Ah, alas. Indeed, I did wake this morning because there are “discomforts” to let me know that I AM awake... survived through another night and am beginning another day. - Had a dream... well, 2 dreams, between “attacks”
The first was disrupted by a contraction. It was in a very old building, large, very large. I had to get to work and the way to get to the higher floors was via a sort of “rail” on which one travelled in a box, of sorts, laying almost flat because it was more a “tube-like” situation in which the “box” travelled. There were stairs as well, large enough for people to ascend or descend, perhaps 4 of 5 persons wide. The whole of the place was wood, dark, heavy, sturdy old wood. It all resembled an old library or of that sort. I was riding from one floor to the next when I passed a “panel” in the ceiling of the tube and, noticing a co-worker, I popped the panel up and called “May I help you?” jokingly. (The panel was a type of those panels used in “drop ceilings” and a bit of dust fell on me, but not very much. It was old, and of course, there was a bit of dust and such that would fall.) When I reached the next floor, I had to “transfer” to the next rail-box but getting out of the one I'd been in, a gal, co-worker, called to me “Yes, as a matter of fact you MAY help me.” We were both joking. And a contraction in my feet woke me.
I had to get up, walk-off the contraction in the feet, go to have a pee, and went back to bed... drifted right back to sleep and into the next dream which was interesting in that the “building” in the second dream was the same as the first, but with a different sort of purpose...
I'd been working, quite diligently, on a “painting”. A bit of paper had been glued/affixed to a metal “plate” about the size of an automobile license plate, but the metal plate was a relief of a “subway” map. Not necessarily the NYC subway system but something quite detailed and some-what ornate. I'd been working on painting some details and embellishments on the paper which corresponded to the metal plate. It was a “commissioned” work, and I was working in a sort of “oil paint”. Sitting on a chair, on a side-walk, on a rather steep hill, it was some-what dark all round, though not night, perhaps heavy shade from the old, massive stone buildings all round. There was a river, an old “mill river” perhaps, way down the hill. It was a combination of the hillier parts of The Bronx and the hill coming out of Burlington going toward Winooski. That's the only way I can describe it as I recall. Father had come along, with a “buddy” of his, and stopped to have a look at my work. Taking it, he began trying to remove the paper, my workings, from the plate and as he did, he was obviously destroying the entire project. I kept repeating, sternly but not yelling “It's attached to the plate.” and “It's glued to the plate!” and “It's affixed to the plate!” I felt that all I could do was to observe as he obviously intentionally destroyed the entire work. And as he pulled the paper from the plate, it, of course, tore, and as it did, his “buddy” laughed. “Father” simply continued to “lift” the paper from the plate until most of it had been separated. But at this point, the entire work was worthless. I was upset, hurt more than angry. I'd almost expected him to do exactly what he'd done: destroy my work. I simply walked away. There was some other work that I had to do and was, more or less, just moving along, thinking of a way I might make another of the same, perhaps being able to salvage the metal plate/map and re-painting what I'd already done. - For some reason, I had the rest of the day “off” from work. That some-how corresponded with “father” not being around or that I wasn't needed to work “for” him. Not sure how it related to him, but it was “understood” that I didn't have to be at the office. So I decided to check on a flat that I was renting but hadn't been in for a great long while. (Now, as I type this, I think of today's date, last year, having had paid the rent for July 2019, “officially” having taken this apartment and yet, was still in VT. Maybe?) There was a phone in the flat that I needed to use, though I wasn't sure that it was still working. (There's a mashing of Salinger “Seymour, An Introduction” and recent “phone” service on the GV number that isn't working properly and again, having had this place and waiting for the Internet installation and phone service only a year ago now, especially withe the following particular...) I wasn't even sure that I had access to the place. I had a key, but didn't know if it would work or not. I hadn't been evicted from the flat. I'd just not been there in a great long while. I don't know why, exactly. None-the-less... “I have the entire day to figure this all out.” I thought and went to the building. This one too, another grand, large, old, “heavy” sort of place, with heavy wood banisters, stained very dark. But the windows were huge, and they brought in a lot of light. I was ascending the ancient stair-case thinking “Apartment 5A”, when I came to a level at which I had to traverse a “balcony” of sorts to get to the next set of stairs. Very wide, carpeted in a light grey, book-shelves against the wall, library-like, as I got there, a girl, very rather “Plain-Jane” (some-how resembling “Hanna” next-door) was already there. She'd been looking for me (another correlation/correspondence with/to the previous dream). “You asked if you could help me before. Yes, you can. I need....” but I had to tell her that I was heading to the “old flat” just then but she could come along, tell me what she needed and if/when I got into the flat, made my phone call, we could attend to what-ever she needed done. She agreed and we ascended the next flight of stairs together. I wasn't sure if I'd even remember where the flat is, all I knew was the number. Some-how the place was familiar and strange, simultaneously... and as we got to the 4th floor flight of stairs... another foot contraction and I woke. It was about 6.13... I just decided to get up and get on with the day.
Now... 7.07, and here I am, at the kitchen table, 2nd coffee poured. Julius or Hanna just drove by the kitchen window and all is calm all around. It's Sunday... no post office today. And as it my “usual” of late, I wonder if/will I make it through this day too or is this one my “last”. That's just becoming an annoying thought lately. I'm feeling so miserable, even when I'm feeling “good”. The contractions at night, the bit of pain in the lower right of my back, coughing-up clots of phlegm, the almost-constant heaviness in my chest. A “bloody taste” in the back of my mouth. Oh, to be sure, “some-thing” (or “things”) is breaking-down these days. But? I just really don't want to know “what”. Oddly, I think of “Betsy”, I believe it was, in a “Kubler-Ross” book, read so many years ago now who said “I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of what they'll do to me while I'm dying.” And then there's the admonition of SO MANY people over the course of my life-time: “You think TOO MUCH!” and Jeannine saying “You just HAVE to deconstruct EVERY-thing!” It's all such a damned curse and it keeps me from being able to enjoy even the slightest moment in any given day. I accept that nothing is eternal, permanent... every bit of what I've known, what I know and what I'll come to know will, eventually “die” or at least “decay”. From cousin Steven to the grands and even the parents... gone. Great-grands and such... gone. Old houses, towns, villages... gone. EVERY bloody thing on this planet, in all of this “Creation” passes, and so too, must I. I'm aware of it. But there's the “control” issue... to leave behind a tidy place, all things in order, an easy “disposal” of the “remains” (house-hold and carcass as well). But HELL! Even as lately as January this year: Joan died... some-body came and took her “things” out of the apartment... Alden asked if I'd help by “cleaning” and “Hello.”... today, Hanna and Julius are in residence... Joan was never there... except in memory. I'm an idiot to even “give” time to the thoughts I have. This place is always quite clean and orderly. And, thankfully, there isn't all that much in it as far as “furnishings” go. What? Futon and bed? The kitchen table is “borrowed” from up-stairs. The rest of the “furniture”, for the most part, is card-board boxes that can be tossed, or lumber than came from the garage in the first place. The truck? Paper-work's all together for that. There's about enough in the NY banque to pay-off the rest of the loan (not that it would make any difference) but the banque could levy the truck for that... and even pay the rest of the utility bills. Honestly, instant death would leave absolutely NO evidence that I ever existed... AND ALL THIS “CONCERN” AND WORRY AND ANXIETY? UTTER AND COMPLETE BULL-SHIT... NO! NOT EVEN THAT MUCH. I LEAVE BEHIND THE RED GERANIUMS, THE HUMMING-BIRD FEEDERS AND A CLEAN BACK YARD. Done deal... by Winter... I was never here. - OK. There we have it. 7.23 in the morning and already, I've “taken care” of the fuck-shit-tard-screw-bollocks-and-arsing of another day. Now, let's see what we can get into to be “busy”, “occupied”. No place to go to today... and the truck won't be ready until some time tomorrow. No prob... Roll with it... AND FOR KRISTE'S SAKE... STOP THINKING! - 9.51 Cloudy and snooze-time (again). It's about the interrupted sleep-cycle? (Oh... took an on-line “IQ” test... random guessing... 165. Down almost about 20 from high school. - 11.26 Up from a snooze of abut 90 minutes and it was difficult to get off the futon. I was enjoying being in that “half-sleep” state. But here I am, up at the drawing table... wanting to “do” and not wanting to do. - Message from Theresa: “I've been thinking of you, hoping you are still hanging in there. I have been devouring information these days, growing and transforming into whatever I become. It's been quite a revelation in my life. I know we have been put together for a reason, other half of my soul. You probably learned quite some time ago what I am awaking to! I am sending you all the love and strength I have in me.” I have to laugh, figuratively: “You probable learned quit some time ago what I am awaking to!” What, exactly, have I “learned”? I wonder. To simply care about nothing other than to dread the inconvenience and discomfort of dying? (I have to suppose that I'm actually “whining, internally” about all of this “inconvenience” of late.) But if I have learned any-thing, it's just that no “other” is able to experience the actualities of another, even the most “empathetic”. Quite like the “pain scale” of 1-10: Each individual's perception of pain or discomfort differs from that of others. So, keeping one's “inconvenience” to one's self is best because the sympathy will never equal the discomfort. - Anyway, I'm going to file my finger-nails and glean a video of some kind or another. I've made another batch of iced-tea. Am “peckish” but there's really nothing I can think of to have. Perhaps some oatmeal later. It's “drizzly” out there. And I'm trying to decide between a chair or bench... and how to “angle” the back of either. Where that goes is... to be seen. - 20.54 and the day is done.. done... done... and I done... nothing but watch some OOtoob, warmed some left-over rice and beans in the skillet, called it “meal” and... yep... fucked another day away. And now, as the sun is pulling its light from the sky... off to the shower. - Oh... the itching: hives and itching... ZINC reaction. Now... I'll just hope... and no more zinc... at least for a while. Let's hope and see. - Meanwhile... last smoke and off to the shower. See how tomorrow (if there is one) goes... Maybe I'll get to Walmart? OO! Mystery! (Fuck.)

Mon.29.Jun: 5.30 Up, dressed, coffee'ed, smoked, re-filled the back bird feeder, trying to decide what lavage to do, since it's exceptionally cloudy and foggy out there (no mountains to be seen), and 80% chance of rain during the day. I've got jeans and under-things, and a towel that need to be done. The bed linens too, though they can be “swapped” for the other set. - My insides are trembling this morning for no apparent reason other than picking-up the truck and the “how” of it. (Thinking too much!) I'm actually afraid of walking, because of my feet, legs, chest... I mean, I COULD ask Suzie for a lift. It's on her way and it's only the mile. But things being “things”, I don't really want to ask favours, even though it was repeatedly offered. (Thinking too much!) The most sensible thing would be to just let time roll and to deal with the matters as they present. But... I'm just too busy “thinking too much”. - Meanwhile, lights went out at about 22.00 last night and I slept right through until the 5.00 alarm which sounded, got turned off and at about 5.10 I was out of bed, up and about. A naproxen last night... just to give some sort of assurance of a night's sleep, after a wonderful “scrub-down” shower. The naproxen certainly does help with the night's sleep. And, as an aside, it does help to “thin the blood” which is good for the heart (but not the soul). Shame, really, that I shouldn't take it regularly. Ah... like the zinc... good for the body in one fashion, and detrimental in another. Alas, alas. But as I sit here, “thinking”, ALL sorts of any kind of “medication” has ALWAYS had and always does have some sort of “negative” associated with the “positive”. Chemo kills cancer and there's the fatigue, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, vision and taste loss...every-thing from asthma/COPD and psoriasis, agoraphobia, “DVT/PE”, et al... They ALL have “Warnings” and “Harmful side-effects”... or, as “the state” taught, “untoward effects”. “The good news, Mr. K., your blood flows freely through the veins. The bad news, Mr. K., you'll have a blow-out at any moment.” “The good news, Mr. K., your heart can pump blood through your system with little-to-no problem. The bad news, Mr. K., your lungs are FULL of lesions.” “The good news, Mr. K., we can treat all of your ailments. The bad news, Mr. K., we'll have to cut out just about every necessary organ in your body to do so... You'll be 'cured' of it all... but you'll be as dead as the word can describe.” Oh... “thinking too much”. Wasn't it O.Henry who wrote (and I just, last night read): “My father had chunks of lung cut out.”, or some-thing to that end? And for me, “ by the moment”, the itching is still present in the fingers and hands this morning, though, “by the moment”, not (yet) as horrific as has been. - Yes, I'm awake again this morning... my body is telling me so with every inconvenience and discomfort it can muster, short of slamming me into the Earth. - And, oddly, the first thing that went through my head as I woke, and keeps repeating this morning: “Wir sind gemeinsam alein”... und richtiglich, (if that's even the word for it): Ich bin gemeinsam... alein! As Onkel Edmund would sigh... “Oh jah.” - Well? Let's get SOME-thing done in the order of lavage. After all, that's why it was so important to be awake at this hour and I see, by the little “clock on the lap-top screen”... it's 5.50 and all I've done, thus far, is “whine”. - 8.05 Lavage is on the rack, the rack is on the back porch. Coffee press is washed. I've been to the loo twice (for nothing, really). And... I'm ready to go back to bed... - The sky is “clearing” but there's still quite the chance for rain. And... I'm ready to go back to bed. - 12.06 Back with the truck... Suzie gave me a lift to the shop! And I saved about 30,00 paying in cash! - I was on the phone with NYSEG when Richie phoned. As for NYSEG: This morning's post delivered a “Past Due/Shut-off” NOTICE! Apparently, “the computer sent” the message AS I was chatting and making payment arrangement. Yes, the payment was recorded. Yes, the “agreement” was recorded. I now owe 168-plus change on the account. But I almost vomited! - OK. So that was attended. - Also in today's post the MEDICARE CARD: PARTS A AND B so now we'll get to see how much they pull from my August income... at a time when ALL bills are about to sky-rocket! Well? Fuck me... it's coming! - Anyway... Suzie gave me a lift to Richie who gave me the keys and I was off to the banque where I had to go inside to get 500, giving me 40 extra, “emergency cash”? What-ever. Back to Richie... and here I am. Now... I'll post to my records and I DO believe I'm going to try for Walmarde! Why not? Eh? - Noting, before I forget: Also received a condescending, patronising e-mail from USPS about the “Becky” situation. She was here and gone this morning. And when Suzie went to leave this morning, she mentioned how she doesn't like backing into the main. “Becky said to just drive through but somebody's always parking their cars there.” Yeah? “SOMEBODY”'S PAYING to park their (our) cars there! - And so that's noted. Time to move along. - The brakes make no noise! YAY! Next item... we shall see. (*THINKING TO MUCH*) - 18.49 To think... I was back with the truck at 12.06, made the entry, and decided to head to... WALMARDE and so... off I went... via the 9N, through Westport, Port Henry, Moriah (passed Edgemont Rd... and, had it not been so fucking LATE, would have stopped by). So, according to “Gloogal” maps, the trip should have taken about an hour, so I must have arrived some-where round-about 14.00, I'd guess. WELL... after roaming the aisles for all sorts of what I THOUGHT was “little shit” (my MAIN purpose was a pot, red pens and a coffee mug... DIDN'T GET THE MUG BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE EVEN ONE... FUCKING “PANIC SHOPPERS”!!!), ALMOST 90$ OF LITTLE SHIT... IT WAS 17.06 AND I HADN'T GOTTEN TO THE CASHE YET! AH BUT... I DID return the nasty saw... for about 7,43$ (I swear I paid it more but... it's GONE AT LAST) and got a “gift card” for the cash and that went toward the total. Still! WTAF? The good stuff though, is 3 more Dentemp (at almost 1$ LESS than locally, 2 little clocks (loo and drawing room... or living-room), proper shower gel (for a change... considering the itching of late), dish detergent, a saucepan and a sieve, new kitchen flipper-ladle-spoon set, a “masher” (which is plastic and I hate it but it's better than the nothing I had), RED PENS 10 for 97-cents, rubber bands... and a PIZZA FOR MEAL (which is in the oven as I type). - THEN... found a Mobil station in Port Henry... Every-where else they wanted 2,25/gallon but PH wanted 2,09 SO... for 39$ I got 3/4 of a tank to FILL! WOOHOO! I GOT GAS! - And so... here I am... missed meal at 17.00, missed “The Five”, missed the evening and am still waiting on the pizza BUT WOW! THAT was some kind of “make up for lost time” trip! AND... it was really quite pleasant ESPECIALLY NOW THAT THE STEERING AND BRAKES DON'T GRIND AND THE TRUCK DOESN'T PULL TO THE LEFT WHEN I PUT THE BRAKES DOWN! WOW! (FUCK ME... 5k$ into it, it SHOULD BETTER run perfectly... for a LONG while... Longer than I'll live, any-way.) - THEN... a QUICK stop at the market in town for 2 tonics, a juice, YEAST and ice cream (Perry's) at BOGO! TAH-THE-FUCKING-DAH! - So now... to the “account” where I'll probably throw up but... WHAT AN AFTER-NOON! I don't suppose I'll be seeing me on the road again too soon after this! - 22.38 and for today this is... the end... in fresh bed linens and a shower.

Tue.30.Jun: 8.13 And, indeed... it was directly to bed and lights out, no reading... and it was up again at 1.00 and then again at about 3.00 and then, at last, to sleep until 7.37. Is it really any wonder that I get up in the morning, not wanting to get out of the bed, and when I do, feeling as though I'd lain in the midst of a free-way all night, being tossed about by lorries all night? No matter how I try... it makes no difference... mornings are living Hell. This morning is no different. Over-cast and humid, the roads are wet and, so too, the air. Heavy. Oh, and then there was a bout of “itch”, on the right hand. That too, woke me from sleep at some point during the night. The “itch”. I wonder... it's probably liver or kidney. THIS is what it is when the body begins that plunge... and at this juncture, there really is no sense in trying to do anything that might “reverse” or even “halt” the process. It's just what we all go through... I've no doubt. Even those who appear to be in what's called “perfect health” (“for your age”). “IT” is coming, as it does. “Resignation” is all that can be done about it. For some it comes at one age an for others at another age. But to ALL, it comes... sooner or later, now or then, today or tomorrow. Plod through, fill the time and away we go. - Just in from morning smoke and thinking of a year ago as the month of June comes to a close. - 8.27 Just reading today's entry for last year... Today, last year, there's mention of the need to “boil the water” and that I was never told. When I asked “For how long has this been?” the reply was “A day or two.” So there... I'd been drinking “bad water” for “a day or two”. Lord-only knows WHAT the fuck was in the water I'd been drinking... through the day... coffee, and such. Between the lead in the water at the Shelter and the filth in the water in Fuklin... there's no wonder I've got “itches” and “back pains” and the likes. Probably walking about all this time with all sorts of shit growing here and there, noshing on my internals. Oh well... - But TOMORROW... TOMORROW... it's “technically” the beginning of my residence here, in New York (“Home To Die”) and HERE, in NEW RUSSIA! The rent had been paid already on the 20th of this month... Imagine? A year already. Goodness me... I DID make it... “Home” (to die... it would seem). So? So; in this success we take comfort. - As for the rest of this day? We'll see when it's done... as usual. - I am “old”. - 22.12 WELL! IT TOOK THE ENTIRE DAY AND I'M ONLY JUST FINISHED WITH THE SAVINGS LEDGER (PAPER)... and the LOAN too but... it's ALL I actually worked on ALL bloody day! - Meal? Left-over rice followed by ice cream. And I'm having more ice cream now because there was so precious little for meal. BUT... Ice cream it is... a half-smoke (because I've got 3 left and was just too fucking lazy to go for more this evening... had to actually tell my-self “That's what the truck is there for!” but never mind. - There's still 2 chequing accounts to “Ledger”... we shall see... indeed... and a chair to be made... we shall see... and tomorrow morning... a LOAN payment to be made... if I live through tonight. - Noting: the itching on the hands was pretty good today... until I start to become fatigued. Hmmm... - Well? Let's hope tonight brings REST... FUCK! - 23.04 Ice cream done. Last smoke. Now to brush the teeth and, with hands beginning to itch again.. off to bed to hopefully, at least, nap through the night.