Sat.1.October, 2016: 9.59 and at last, coffee and smoke and another day on another month after a restless night I don’t know what time it was when I finally got to sleep. 2.00? 2.30? Something like that. I was almost tempted to simply get up and go on with the day. But a bit of a “re-boot” in the darkness, yes, in the dark, and at long, long last, I dozed off. Didn’t hear the 6.00 alarm, heard the 8.00 but went back to sleep until almost 9.30. Tonight this will not float. – Another morning of another naproxyn. This too, must stop soon, lest I end up with further complications. – And so, there’s soup to be put up. LOTS of soup. I’m thinking of puréeing some and leaving some as is. We shall see. – It must have rained at some point too. Not much. Just enough to wet the ground. It’s over-cast this morning, but not cold. A nice Autumnal day. Let’s see what we can accomplish with it. – It’s depressing… October. I wanted to be IN NY by now! But let it ne’er be said that Life won’t fuck me over… some-how. –
23.49 In bed. SHOWERED! LAUNDRY DONE! Kitchen in order. Floors Hovered. FIRE IN THE STOVE! Hallie on the sofa. CLEAN! – And what did I accomplish with this day? Well, the soup is jarred. 6 jars (like the last time) in the fridge in the garage. I had a bowl for lunch. Not bad at all. And all wizzed, as it were. Yes, I went the purée. There are a couple more turnips and beets in the fridge too, but they’ll have to wait for something… since I finished the left-over pizza today for “dinner”. There’s still left-overs from Thursday night’s dinner, but I’m sure Jacquie will find something to do with them… I’ve no doubt. There’s 6 ears of corn too. But… we shall see where they go. I don’t want to eat them because I’m concerned about getting food stuck in my teeth. Tonight, I brushed with the baking soda again. The tooth-ache? Oh, still there but it wasn’t all day. Maybe that was because of the “routine” naproxyn. Right now it’s a bit on the “sore” side. But not as bad as it’s been. Funny; Jason Toyooka is going through dental troubles too. Something about needed a tooth extracted and having to wait WEEKS to get to a dentist. Honestly, this country and its medical is bull-shit. And dental? I’ve always wondered why dental is so damned difficult. As I posted today to fesses-book: if we can’t eat properly we can’t be healthy enough to work properly to support those very same shits in government who keep medical treatments away from us. Oh well… survival of the fittest? Bull-fucking-shit. – On that note, oh, I also put “nicer curtains” on the porch door so that light will come in but nobody can “see” in. I feel better with them this way. And they appear neater. So? So… there we have it. – Other than this… I’m not looking forward to tomorrow morning and trying to wake up at a civil hour. Its already going rapidly to mid-night. This sleeping until 8.30 or 9.00 has got to stop! – As for the usual PAIN: it’s not so much the pain any more as it is that I can’t stand too long, can’t curl my toes, and the “Babinsky” is almost non-existent in both feet. I’ve destroyed nerves and that’s destroying muscle. I’m ready… time to “go”. – OH! But this evening (I have to mention), I got to listen to “A Prairie Home Companion” on the internet! Live broadcast of an older show. At least it was Garrison Keillor. For an hour, I got to “escape” from this bull-shit in this shit-hole, and return to the days when I’d listen from my flat in NYC and mentally, drift off to quieter places… It was a quiet week in Lake Wobegone… for an hour… tonight.

Sun.2.Oct: 7.56 Another morning of prying myself out of sleep, as a DREAM began.
I was on a bus, with all of my worldly possessions, on my way to somebody’s some place. A synagogue or somebody’s house or something Jewish. (Because of Rosh Hashannah tonight?) My destination was rather vague, but I had plastic shopping bags, and in them, gifts of some kind for the person there. The bus got to the stop where I was to get off, and it was raining, or some kind of inclement weather. I fumbled to get the bags and my things together. An Asian woman came up behind me. Something, a spray bottle of some kind of cleaner, fell out of one plastic bag. As I tried to get the bags together, there was the sound of something bumping against something else, something was lose in one of the bags, I could hear it and felt I needed to put things together better (I think the noise in the dream was the thumping from up-stairs making its way into my dream) and I tried to gather all of the bags by their handles. The woman grabbed the spray bottle and I told her to put it into one of the bags… she SPRAYED the cleaner into a bag and I got ANGRY! She’d sprayed the things that were in that bag and what-ever it was in there was irreplaceable! She didn’t understand English and I was annoyed. I yelled at her “I said PUT it into the bag, NOT SPRAY it into the bag!” and the others, who were waiting to get off the bus too had obvious looks of anger, annoyance and disgust. Suddenly, in the dream, I realised that I was asleep and had to wake up! Indeed… I’d heard the 2 alarms this morning and dozed-off after the 7.00. It WAS time to wake up… and so I did… annoyed from the dream.
And now, on this over-cast Sunday morning, I’ve had my coffee and smoke, I have to get dressed. There’s a bed of embers in the wood-stove, from last night’s fire. No complaints there, really. The warmth will help fend off the dampness of this morning. It’s warm enough though. I opened the flue to let the heat up the chimney and into the “little room”. Hallie’s been fed and out. I’m back on the bed typing. Upper left tooth-ache in stead of the lower left this morning. And I’ve had my morning naproxyn. – Getting the lap-top going this morning took some time! I couldn’t open the “Journal” file so am starting a new Journal file this morning. I wonder WTF is going on with this thing! There’s so much that can be put onto a computer these days, with-out our knowledge. Seriously. What a bull-shit world. – And,again, this morning… the anxiety of needing to get to NY. Pain and anxiety… first thing in a day… it proves I’m “alive”. What a curse. – Let’s see what the day holds… Tonight? A “New Year” begins… on the Hebrew calendar. Hebrew… gee… as Ev said: “Vermont? Not many Jews in Vermont.” (Not much peace or peace of mind or spirit in Vermont.) – 10.08 The kitchen floor is clean. The ash bucket has been emptied. I put a hanger onto the radio in the kitchen to get a better signal for the “Classique” station and the day is either “done” or “en commence”. There’s a breeze out-side in the cloudiness of this morning. An “Autumn” breeze. The leaves on the maple out back are falling. They haven’t even gotten the chance to actually change. And me? I’m “heavy” again this morning. Wanting and needing, longing, yearning, desiring to get on the road and get the actual fuck out of this town, this village… this shit-hole state. “Heavy”… – I want to work on the book. I want to work on some “Flatlander” shirts. I want to do so much. I’ll actually do… nothing. – This evening, there’s a “Soup and Bread Dinner” up the road chez Jes & Kerry. I’m NOT looking forward to that. But… – My legs and feet are weak today. I fear that most of all things. I used to say, as I’d slap my thighs “As long as these will hold me up, I’ll be just fine.” Well… “these” aren’t doing such a great job “these” days. I will NOT hobble about with cane and walker and I will NOT die in this shit-hole. – Sunday… 2 October 2016… and why the fuck am I still journalling? I should be rotting, in peace, in a wood, under some pines, some-where in New York. – 14.21 And Jacquie’s back. She and Pam are in the garden… taking away free pumpkins. Potential income… disappearing. Alas. – I’ve gone through the luggage and taken out the “Flatlander” sweat-shirt. Why? Because I may as well wear it. It’s brand new and soft and such. What a waste. But… it’s here. The weather is chilly. May as well wear it. Also took out a pair of slacks and a black shirt.. for “courts” and such. Fuck. – Just took another naproxyn too. My legs and feet are “gone” and too, my hands are going. Just tired and weak today. I probably should go to the garden to “help” but I doubt my legs and back would be too happy, and nobody round here would give a shit one way or the other. So, time to be selfish. – A nap would be very nice. But tomorrow morning… we’re off to the lawyer. Nice way to spend the first day of the “New Year”… at a lawyer’s office. I fucking HATE this place. – 21.56 In bed. Can you believe it? Jacquie and I went, at about 17.00, up to Jes & Kerry’s to dine with Pam & Dave and the young folks who play Celtic music and Marilyn (I believe that’s her name). Jacquie cooked rice to go with 2 jars of my “borscht” which made quite the positive hit! Everybody had some and everybody enjoyed it. And the evening rolled along nicely until I got into a chat with Marilyn on “Urban Renewal” in Newburgh which led to the topic of the welfare mooches whom she said “deserved at least that much as restitution for all of the injustices” they suffered… meaning… slavery! That led into a discussion on the history of Parkchester during which, as I spoke facts, she wouldn’t shut up in defence of Blacks, in spite of the murders and mayhem and other cruelties and brutalities and crimes they commit. I met an idiot who suffers “White Guilt” tonight! Our “discussion” ended when I got up and told her that the discussion was ended because I cannot and will not try to talk with “stupid people”. Did I offend her? I don’t know and don’t give a shit. But when I came back into the house, it was as if nothing ever happened. In fact, she wished me a “Happy New Year” as we were leaving! Dave and Marilyn tried to insult me for wearing the “Flatlander shirt. I deflected by telling them that I’d painted the shirt and am wearing it proudly. End of THAT chat. Honestly? I don’t know how Jacquie puts up with them, but I imagine it’s more for the “company” than much else. Still… how amazing to actually meet an idiot who suffers “White Guilt”. When Marilyn started with the apologetic s about the treatment of Blacks I asked “Oh? How many did your family own?” “Well, I’m not sure they owned any. They were too busy murdering Native Americans to buy anybody.” WOW! Pathetic, sickening, disgusting and repulsive? Oh yes. But FASCINATING! Pathetically fascinating. But it all ended in out-ward peace and we were off and back out by about 20.30 or so. – Back at the house, Jacquie and I discussed the “Stanshit” matter. Earlier, before we left for dinner, I got her to set her voice-mail up so she can retrieve it from other phones… she pretty much did so on her own and I heard the messages left by that moron! In the second message he actually shouted, with a roll from the gut, loudly and leading into a crescendo: “You evil, evil, EEvil, EEVIL, EEVIL BITCH!” It was un-nerving, to be quite honest. But Jacquie’s worried that she’ll have to match his anger and ill manners. I assured her… the judge will ask you questions, you just give the answers. Stanhope will hang himself. She’s worried about all of this. Poor dear. I suppose that’s why I’m still here: I’m being punished for something and my “assistance” and timing of still being here is my punishment. But I’ll do what I can. Of course. – Meanwhile, BOTH ankles are going noticeably weak now, well, tonight anyway. I just took Hallie out for a ‘moke and had to concentrate on walking. I can’t curl my toes on either foot. This is causing me concern, to put it mildly. I’m frightened that, one morning, I’m going to wake and not be able to stand. Well then, once this “Jacquie” issue is done… it will be time for me to get going before it’s “too late”. Only a matter of time. – Well… the battery on this lap-top is rather going too. I got a little message today telling me that I’ll soon need a new one. NOT! New batteries are 100$ and more. Not a fucking chance. I’ll be inconvenienced needing to plug it in first. Oh well… life, my body, the lap-top… running down. Time, time, time to check the actual fuck out of this shit. So be it. – A very quick run through the soc.med. tonight. Must be ready and raring to go for this 10.00 meeting with the “lawyer” tomorrow. THAT should prove interesting… I believe Peter Martin’s a bit of a “Vermont whack-job” too. (And I’ve NO confidence in any “judge” here either so…) – I’ve taken a naproxyn… let’s hope it lends toward a good night’s sleep tonight and a good morning. Let’s just hope… fuck me now.

Mon.3.Oct: 7.59 I heard the 6.00 and “dozed” thinking it was mere moments but… when I looked at the clock it was already almost 7.00 when I got up, grabbed my vit.C, went to the loo and out for a smoke. Jacquie’s awake and in the kitchen, swimming in paper already. Bills and religious mail. Paper. – It’s foggy/misty out there this morning but warmish. And me? I want to go back to sleep but “We have to be out of here by 9.30.” to commence with the next disaster of the state. Here we go… – Oh, to be able to wake in the morning with only the tasks of a day and no tragedies. I mean, there’s the “legal” shit and the talk of what MUST be harvested before the frost. And the only NIGHT on the calendar with single-digit temps is Sunday and that’s only 8°. Oh well… One must NEVER have a simply “good” morning. – On with the day… SHOOT ME! – I’m hoping for a stop at Hannaford’s whilst in St-Albans today… I’m hoping… we shall see. – Upper left teeth ache this morning. I think I’m grinding in my sleep… again. Gee… I wonder why. Fuck. – 21.54 Well… we made it through the “interview” with Peter this morning. He’s a mad man and a wonder. AND… he originates from White Sulphur Springs… just out-side of Liberty… NEW YORK! He lived in Queens and came to VT! He’s ever s candid and down to earth and is a staunch Conservative at heart. It was a delight! I didn’t remove my hat when I first got into the office and he commented about having to remove one’s hat in a court room but… said he “I make exceptions for Jews and look at this! You’re a Jew!” when I removed the hat he said “Double-covered!” and it all took off from there. This is going to be difficult though., come Wednesday because, well, Jacquie doesn’t pay attention. Peter and I, BOTH, tried to impress upon her “The judge will ask questions, and you simply give an answer. If it’s a ‘yes or no’ question, that’s all you answer, ‘yes’ or ‘no;.” She insists upon rambling. But a good time was had by all and then after-wards, back at the house, it all went to fucking Hell in a hand-bag, but first… En route back to the house, we stopped at in Swanton to get bottles for her maple syrup gifties at t a sugaring supply company. The young fellow there said that NY is 2nd in the country for syrup production but if the state would open the “parks” (like Adirondack) it would put Vermont under. Oh my! Next was a stop at Hannaford’s where I got a box of breakfast cereal, creamer, 4 coffees, 5 tonics, PopTarts and 3 boxes of pectin for Jacquie’s jelly-ing. (When I checked my FS bal: 300! All this available for food I don’t eat and don’t have an appetite for. Fuck me.) A quick stop at McQuins where I talked her out of getting bales of straw. She wanted to “decorate” with them but I convinced her that I could do well with-out. I don’t want her buying such stuff that she might not use or need next year… There’s no telling who, if anybody in this town, will help her and I will NOT be here! More on that later. – Ah… back at the house and that twit-twat Kerry comes by to visit! WELL FUCK ALL SHIT on THAT piece of work! Even after hearing the fucking voice messages Stanhope left on Jacquie’s phone, that fucktard starts talking about how Jacquie should simply focus on the “good” in the world and in people! REALLY? WHAT the FUCK is WRONG with that retard? I’m trying to prepare Jacquie for being attacked, full-on, with the probabilities and possibilities of that shit-bag coming at her with a law suit and the retard is telling her to, essentially, go to her “safe space” and dream of beaches! So I laid it out plainly: “If all of this turns against her, will you be here to defend her and back her up?” Ah… the truth came out with the silence. No. They won’t. Missie will run-go-hide in her “Canada”, and Jes will offer to throw money at her. Neither will be with her for support, neither will appear in court for or with her. But they’ll just coach her on being a complete fuck-over. Well, Kerry left. She was going to come back for dinner… she didn’t come, she didn’t call, she retreated back to Québec. Fucking bull-shit, those two. And I let loose and told Jacquie mu suspicions. Well? I don’t give a shit any more because, unfortunately, my “gut” has been right all my life and this time, I see no exception. Alas and oh well for all concerned. – We had a late dinner of left-over chicken. I didn’t have much appetite again, as usual. But it was filling. – The stove’s been going all day to keep the dampness out of the house. It’s comfy in the “little room” tonight. – Now then… as for the rest? My right leg is all but useless. I’m on 3 naproxyn per day to ward off any pain but the legs are rapidly deteriorating. That said, it’s time to give up on the “Edgemont” deal and simply set sail for setting sail and getting the fuck out of this bull-shit. I don’t want to die here. I don’t want to be here at the end of November when all of this shit REALLY starts flying. I don’t know for certain, but my gut says that Stanshit is going to come at Jacquie with a law-suit that she won’t be able to handle and it’s time for me to take off. She won’t listen to any knowledgeable help, preferring to go with the Libshits up the road. It’s sad, really, but even at her age, she’s going to have to learn the most difficult way: Experience. And I have NO intention of going through all the “cup-cake, snow-flake, Kumbaya” bull-shit! It’s time for the “Great Peace”. – That said, I need to seriously plot and plan the route and time and date now… My legs are gone, I won’t be able to walk soon at this rate and so? Time to get going whilst going is still possible. No regrets. No sadness… just fact. It’s time. – Now, to the soc.med. for a bit and try for a night’s sleep. No “late” morning again tomorrow so that tomorrow night I’ll be able to sleep. Early Wednesday. I’m just hoping she doesn’t expect me to go to BTV with her and have to hang about for 3 hours whilst she “staff meeting”s her day. She gave me 40$ toward smokes today when Kailah gave her partial rent money, but… Stuck in the truck with Hallie for hours? Not fair to either of us. We shall see… I’m afraid. – I’d love a glass of milk with my PopTarts but… – So much for the first day of the “New Year”… eh? Fuck me muchly.

Tue.4.Oct: 8.40
DREAM: There was a storm coming. We could see it out across toward “Sandy Hook”. And we had to evacuate. Tommy (Burke) and I were the only two left in the house on the beach. All the furniture had been removed, saved a couple of folding chairs, and we were still there, not really planning on leaving. We were walking about the house, making sure that all was weather-proofed. Time passed. I thought there were others in the place but Tommy mentioned something that led me to believe that we were the only two there and when he confirmed that we were along, pretty much in the house and all round, I sarcastically joked “You’re telling me we’re alone in here? Well! Get yourself ready then.” Of course, I wanted to have at him (as it had always been.) But, as soon as I was beginning to make a move, a gal (Nange?) came by the front door of the house and came in, with a “troop” of girls with her. “The SS Dutchess just sank! Right out front!” she said, as she led the troop of girls through the place. I just looked at Tommy, disgusted and said something to the effect of “No surprise, that. It figures. It would. They couldn’t navigate their way through a kitchen sink.” I was angry about Nange coming in and the girls and the interruption. They walked through the house and out. I looked out toward the ocean and could see the dark clouds slowly coming toward us. When I turned back into the house, and one of the gals who’d come in with Nange (Liz) joined me as I walked about, checking the house. I was now getting pissed-off because of all the people coming in. They were supposed to be leaving the area, not mulling about town, never mind, the house. In a room off the small living-room where we were, there was a gal (Lyn Laval?) sitting on a metal shelf of sorts, built into some sort of tree in the room to the right. A large version of what would be a storage shelf, grate, black finish., about 2 metres up off the floor. She was sitting there, reading a book. I commented on how I liked sitting on those, and how comfortable and convenient they were, with their little “areas of shelves” where she had other books, note-books and some snacks. I was annoyed that there were others in the house now, mainly because I wanted to be in the house alone, with Tommy but because everybody was supposed to have evacuated and were being too stupid to leave. I realised I needed cigarettes and so, headed out to get a pack. As I walked up the street (resembling Lexington Ave, in The City) it was dark. The storm was almost over us. The sky was almost black. No rain yet, but the wind was picking up. Stores had their lights on but were shut-down, empty. There were very few people around. I thought “Oh shit! I’ll bet everything’s closed! They’ve probably already left!” but the little bodega seemed to be open. I was relieved. I went in. The Koreans and Latinos were busy packing things up, even the registre! Therre was almost nothing on any of the shelves. People had stock and the registre on the counter They were wrapping stuff in paper and plastic and the likes, preparing to get them out. I went to a woman who had a “fanny-pack” of sorts. I asked for a pack of Camels (brown). She mumbled something as she fumbled through her “pack”. I understood that they’d cleared the stock of everything but she happened to have a few packs in her “pack”. She gave me one, I pulled some money out of my pocket and realising that I had enough for two packs, I asked for a second pack… the other one for Tommy. “He smokes the same as I do and we’ll both need them when everything closes and we’re left alone here.” I thought. A guy came over, as the woman went to get the second pack. “Didn’t she tell you?” he asked, meaning that she was selling me what she had for her-self. “Yes. Sort of.” I replied, because I really didn’t quite understand her very broken English and mumbling. But I got the smokes and went out-side to a little “side-walk café” style table, and opened one pack for my-self. There were others there, sitting at tables, talking, having a quick smoke and little to eat. They were all talking about their evacuation chores and plans and routes. I needed to get back to the house. It was getting dark as night. The storm was at us. The wind picked up… a warm “Summer storm” wind. I needed to get back to the house. Tommy would be there… alone. I looked forward to weathering-out the storm… together. We’d do it, and have the place safe and in good order when everybody else came back. (I woke…. it was 8.00!)
– Well… I’d been awake for the 6.00 alarm and when it sounded, I got up to pee. Jacquie was awake already and I decided to “snooze” until the 7.00 alarm. Well, when that sounded, I dozed right back off for the dream here! and woke at almost 8.00! – 8.51 I’ve had my smoke and coffee and morning naproxyn. It’s over-cast again this morning. Not too cold though. Jacquie’s in the kitchen, I’m in the “little room”. – Oddly, my legs aren’t so bad this morning. My feet, how-ever, the ankles, are still quite weak. And I’m wondering what the dream was caused by… The storm? The evacuation? “Dutchess”? The gals from there? Rockaway? I wonder. Premonitory? Oh… no doubt. And this morning, the anxieties of getting back to NY. It’s sickening. – Not to mention, the liberal morons here, in this town,this shit-hole state. And… trying to be of help to somebody who simply will not listen. – I’m backing away from it all… and will let them learn on their own from here. I’m tired. Nobody’s jumping to help me with the car… the one thing I truly need help with, and they know it. So? Why should I bother “helping” others? That’s NOT the way it works… not for me anyway. – Oh well… another fucking day commences. – 8.59 There’s a HURRICANE MATTHEW in the news today… related to the dream? Broad Channel? Rockaway? Yesterday, Peter said he knew people in Broad Channel. Association time! – 20.53 Sitting on the sofa in the parlour, Jacquie on the recliner, waiting for the VP debate. I’m exhausted! But the kitchen is clean and the dishes in the drain. – Today was a … day. I “decorated” the table on the Highgate street, with pumpkins and squashes and many corn stalks. It drained me, because of my right leg. But I got it done. Other than that? Well, I recorded Jacquie’s voice-mails for her and sent the file to her e-mail. She now has a copy on the lap-top, on her e-mail, I have a copy on the lap-top. I can’t get it to her phone because she won’t look for the adaptor. But there’s only just so much I can and will do. She’s pre-occupied with tomorrow, but I try to impress upon her, her need to focus on things. I don’t know if it’s age or simply a refusal, but tomorrow will be interesting. – I need a shower and to file my nails. But I’ll settle for a shower before bed (which I hope will be soon). I still don’t know what I’ll wear tomorrow. But seriously, I don’t give a shit. – Poor Jacquie got told my true feelings toward Kerry.. I’m ripped-pissed over her comment about Lyle having “problems” because of last Summer. After all… he was the FIRST person in my life-time who actually came to my defence. And I can’t and won’t let that go… ever. – This evening, I heard Dixie barking in the yard. A sweet bark at Hallie. I think it was Eric in the yard with her. It breaks my heart over and over. I miss her but don’t dare go near. First, to avoid any confrontation with “them” and more important: she won’t understand why I don’t come to her more often. – Admittedly, I’m losing my patience with this town and the people. My thoughts are coming out … and I don’t give a shit about that either. 3 years of putting up with their bull-shit… and I’m out of “phoney”. – Well… Hallie’s on the sofa beside me now and it’s time to see if I can’t get a bit of soc.med. in so that when it’s time to get to sleep… I can shower and get to bed. – I almost dread tomorrow. – 23.40 In bed and showered for tomorrow. We managed to make it through the entire VP debate and chat a bit after. I’ve had my last smoke and am now going to look for those photos of the room I had in Cromwell, CT to see if I can’t add them to my review. Why? Maybe it will help Jacquie get her “gift cards” or something. It’s been a while, but… I can try. – I actually feel for her this evening. First time in a court room isn’t easy, especially after all her years. I hope she’s able to sleep tonight. But… admittedly, after my 5 years in this shit-hole state, I can’t say that I’m extremely sympathetic. I’ve done more than my share of time with the “authorities” in this in-breed institution and I’ve a bit of resentment having been drawn into it again. especially after last year. But, human compassion prevails. Ah… it will be “interesting” tomorrow. (Now, I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight too.) – Took my naproxyn, am having my PopTarts and will soon put out the lights until…. – Fuck this place! Really! – Looking forward at this point, to a nice place under a tree on a mountain… in the Adirondacks… ever so very very soon.

Wed.5.Oct: 7.05 I woke at 5.45 with a leg cramp and had to pee. Did. Went back to sleep until the 6.00 alarm and decided to snooze until the 7.00. Good thing I decided not to wait for it. I hadn’t turned it on. Oh well. So now I’m up and awake, had coffee, smoke, and … Over-cast this morning. Comfy temps too. But… once again, the angst: What to wear? I’ve got none of my “good” clothes. “Casual office”, yes. But my “good” clothes are gone. Fuck! Oh well. It won’t be much longer for this shit. – Funny, this. I’m not really involved with this crap this morning. I’m not a “party to”. But this morning, I’m not in the mood either. – Vermont? I do so hate you. – Bonjour. – 22.13 Back in bed at last! Isn’t that a horrid thing to keep saying: Back in bed at last. As if that’s all I wake up looking forward to each and every day. Truth is, this IS what I look forward to when I wake up… the end of the day and getting back to trying for sleep. I’m more comfortable and in less pain in bed. It’s come to this. – Well… as for the day, before I run out of steam completely. – Court did NOT last only 30 minutes this morning. It lasted about TWO HOURS! We left very early, considering, but Jacquie drove round St-Albans for a bit before we actually got to the court house. Why? I don’t know, but I got to see some very beautiful parts of a town I’d only know from the “wrong side of the tracks”. As I said to her: it’s a shame that it has such a horrid reputation. There are some very beautiful, large, old homes in St-Albans. But… no matter… it’s St-Albans and, well, to me, it’s Vermont. Fukkit. – At the court house, we got there at about 9.15 and Peter was already in conference with Davi Miller, Stanhope’s attorney. So Jacquie and I waited on the main floor until called up-stairs. I finally got up-stairs and, well, it was much smaller than I’d expected, and the little “ante-room” was furnished with dilapidated furniture. But it had an old rocking chair which I rather enjoyed for a while. – Ah… but when we got to go into the court room… THAT was AMAZING! IT WOULD MAKE A PERFECT SYNAGOGUE with a raised and railed, almost “sanctuary-like” area where the judge’s bench is located in the centre, tables on the “bima” with chairs round the rail. The seating for the “galley” area is mere benches, with cushions, though not very comfortable. (I want to see if I can’t find some photo’s on-line because, as I say, it’s lovely.) I was asked to leave for a while. “They don’t want you contaminated.” said Peter. I spent quite a while, standing in the hall area out-side the door where I could hear Jacquie’s voice, but couldn’t discern her words. When I got called in, I had to “take the witness box”, sworn-in and questioned by Peter first. His questions were direct, professional. BUT… THE WORST MOMENT CAME WHEN I WAS ASKED TO PLAY-BACK JACQUIE’S VOICE-MAIL MESSAGES ON MY PHONE AND COULD NOT REMEMBER HOW TO DO THAT! I GO THE DAMNED “PUNJABI” RING-TONE… REPEATEDLY! SHIT! PAURENT PAQUIN AT THE BANQUE IN BEDFORD AND IN THE COURT ROOM, THE DMANED “PUNJABI” RING-TONE! WHAT A FUKKUP! HOW-EVER… IT WORKED TOWAD THE BEST BECAUSE JACQUIE WAS ABLE TO GET TO HER OWN VOICE-MAIL AND PLAY THE 3 MESSAGES DIRECTLY, which we all agreed was, after all, THE VERY BEST source. Indeed! – After my testimony to Peter, David Miller, Stanhope’s atty. cross-examined. I found him to be rather well=learned in the statutes but a rather moron with his line of questioning. I wasn’t nervous with him… more “annoyed”. – When Stanhope too the stand, he went into a barrage of lies, mingled with truth. – The judge recessed for a moment and Peter came to ask me if I thought the Judge (Michael Harris) is Jewish. When I said I wasn’t sure, Peter said “I thought you people had some way of knowing one of yours.” I tapped my head/kippa and said “I think I need to get a new one of these. This one’s obviously not working. Maybe I need new batteries.” We laughed a bit. – Bottom line: The note Stanhope left, coupled with the voice messages, pretty much wrapped the case. How-ever… the restraining order was issued for only the property and only until February 2017. Still, not bad… not a “loss”. – We were then told to stay up-stairs whilst the clerk “served” Stanhope down-stairs. The idiots there… Peter had to ask if/when it was OK for us to leave the building. Had he not asked, we’d probably still be standing there! – Well… I knew it had taken longer than the 30 minutes, but by the time we got to the truck, it was almost 11.30! Jacquie drove back to the house to drop me (happily, because I’d worn my black Dockers and Docs and didn’t want to spend too much time in them… being part of the “good” clothes I have left to my name) to attend to Hallie, whom we’d left at the house. (Jacquie was going to bring her but I talked her out of that.) The ride back was good. We talked about the hearing, and it gave her time to calm a bit. I could see that she’d gone through a LOT of serious anxiety in there this morning. Poor dear. She’s never done this before. – I can say that the actual eviction is going to take quite a toll on her. I don’t want to be around for it, but… – She left for her staff meeting and I came into the house, changed in to my jeans, had a bowl of breakfast cereal and a tea and rang EV! We chatted for a bit. She was getting ready for “an appointment’ but we talked about the morning and things in general up here. She reiterated: “You’re a good person who obviously cares very much for others, but it’s time you took care of yourself and did what’s best for you instead, for a change.” Meaning: GET OUT OF VERMONT! I’m sure she (Jacquie) appreciates all that you do for her, but you have to start doing for yourself now.” This isn’t the first time Ev’s said this. It was comforting to hear. She knows… MORE than ANYBODY here could even begin to know! It was a delight chatting with her. – When we’d done, I came in and had a lie-down for about 30 minutes. I was wasted! – Awake, I toddled to the store for smokes and en route, Eric was bringing in the trash can at 5225. A MESS! Long, nasty-looking hair, un-shaved, and rather grossly fat! HE called to me from the “drive” and I was as kind and pleasant as I could be (considering the pain I had from the simple walk to the store). Brief. I continued on. I mean, what is there to say to him? Obviously, he’s a “fixture” at that house now. – *** OF NOTE: THIS EVNEING, WHEN I TOOK HALLIE OUT FOR LAST ‘MOKE, I NOTICED… GORDO’S CAR IS GONE ALL DAY, ERIC’S CAR WAS THERE TONIGHT. I SAW BOBO COMING BACK FROM WORK ON THE “BIKE” THIS EVENING… IN LEATHER JACKET NOW… TEE-HEE. I WONDER… NONE OF MY BUSINESS… BUT I WONDER. – Moving along… I got my smokes and came back to the house where I dug up 6 zinnias, potted them, put 3 on the table and 3 along the house and walk to the back door, added 3 pumpkins and it looks rather nice. (I took photos of the table and as I did, Jacquie came home. I have to take photos of the walk-way tomorrow.) – Bad news: simply digging the flowers took the energy right out of me! Everything’s an effort these days. I’m running DOWN! I’m not frightened about that… I just won’t have it happen in this shit-hole! – So Jacquie stopped at Costco for paper goods and yet, brought more food stuffs too! AND… with them… more chocolate almonds and dates! “I have to keep you happy so you won’t leave too soon.” she rather joked. Now she’s concerned that I’ll leave Hallie alone while she’s gone next week (on her “Selling Jesus” run-around with her Maryrose). I assured her that I wouldn’t leave Hallie alone like that. Although…. – Well, we had a delightful dinner and a beer and chatted about religion and politics and the likes. It was pleasant. – At 20.00 is was time for “O’Reilly” and we watched that… she fell asleep in the recliner as usual. – At something past 22.00 she asked if I was going to take Hallie out one more time. I said I would, she went directly to bed! – I watched the report on Hurricane Matthew. It’s hitting SC soon. Donna, I see from fesses-book, in under mandatory evacuation and Dorothy was going to get her this afternoon. This hurricane has all but devastated Haiti already. (No doubt, there’ll be cries to support Haiti… meanwhile, nobody does shit for Louisiana after their last flood. Fucking country, this.) – Now, at 22.53, time for a quick soc.med. and try and hope for sleep! I took my 3rd naproxyn already. My back has been fine… my right foot get worse by the day. I fear, each day, that the next day I won’t be able to stand on it. Well… then I’ll use what I can to get me to the mountain! The end. Amen. Bonjour la visite!

Thu.6.Oct: 8.12 Loo. Coffee. Smoke. Chat. Done. Morning. Another day commences. The week-end is here. Funny, this. NYC week-ends begin on Thursday. I almost wish. Fact is: I can’t “go back”. And this morning, I’m tempted to re-post the “Gentleman Grounds-keeper”, but snow removal? Not with these ankles. Summer work is difficult enough. I’m in a place in life and time where… I have to look this up. Physical therapy should repair something. I should think (and hope). I’m literally falling apart. And I’m bitter about it. Oh well. Let’s just hope Mlle. Moron isn’t in town o’er the week-end. That thing from “Canada”. We shall see. I’m looking forward to a week-end of “nothing”. THAT should fuck things up nicely. Oh… and come the week… nothing more. “Thelma and Louise” will be on the road… the New England tour. How charming that Sister Maryrose gets to visit her folks. Me? I got… “the pleasure of riding around”. Let’s let that all go… and enjoy the days to come. – 22.34 In bed again… at last! – Tooth-ache again today, for quite a while. Jacquie left at about 15.00. She took the box that I was using to press leaves for Dorothy. It ticked me off. As if she needed THAT particular box. Oh well… that’s how she is. I was ticked, but I gathered the leaves again and put them under the terra cotta plant dishes. Will I send them? I don’t know. But… – The tooth-ache made me a bit annoyed at everything. – I tried to pick more tomatoes for Coopers but there really weren’t enough good ones. BUT… the goo ones are now gone… being given away. So? My response? When Jacquie left, I cleared the pumpkins out… put them by the table with signs for 1, 3 and 5 dollars. Let’s see how many get sold before Sunday. Hopefully all of them will go. I need the income and she’s got plan to give those away too. It’s almost a race at this point. – I over-heard her telling somebody, on the phone, that she wouldn’t be back on Sunday until about 17.00 and THEN, on Monday, she’ll be gone for 3 days with Maryrose! They’re leaving sometime in the after-noon… I’ll have to face THAT one too! Oh well… Meanwhile, I have to get the Subaru together. I HAVE to have it running for next week-end. I don’t know HOW I’ll do that, but I must. – I haven’t had “dinner” or a “meal” today. I finished a half jar of my borscht, and the tuna salad that Jacquie had made for lunch today that I didn’t eat because of the tooth-ache. Not enough to say I’ve eaten, but it was something. – The GOOD news for the day: I’ve taken only TWO naproxyns all day! I just took the second one for sleep. YAY! I’m going to try to cut it down a bit… and maybe, cut it all out for a while. Let’s see how that goes. – Other than that, it’s the week-end and it’s Hallie and I in the house. Let’s hope it all goes well. – Hurricane Matthew is approaching Florida tonight. The news is reporting that this one is deadly. As the governor of Florida put it “This will kill you.” About 200 have died in Haiti. I wonder how much “aid” will rush to them and how much won’t be coming to the folks in Florida. Shit. I can’t really care anymore. I want OUT of this dump… this world. – On that… soc.med. and try for sleep. No “waking dead-line” in the morning, but laundry must be done. Other than that? Another week-end of trying to get my physical health back a bit. I can’t even post the “Grounds-keeping” for Winter because I don’t know that I’ll be able to shovel snow this year. This state has fucked me over… but thoroughly.

Fri.7.Oct: 0.24 JUST FINISHED A WONDERFUL fesses-book “CHAT” WITH THE FOUNDER OF “MACPACK”! She “appeared” on my time-line and now we’re “friends”, as they call it WOW! IT WAS AMAZING! She bought the book (I don’t know if it was the first or the second) and said she’d cried when she read it. But imagine? After all these years! Just WOW! – 9.18 and another day commences. BFD! Sunny morning. I’ve had coffee, smoke, Hallie’s had breakfast. I’m “dressed” and that’s all there is to this. I’ve also got head-ache this morning, and the upper RIGHT teeth ache. How charming. Another day… another pain. – I don’t recall having heard the 6.00 alarm this morning but woke at about 9.00. Slept-in, as it were. – Thoughts of the morning? This bull-shit about Jacquie’s restraining order and the coming eviction and the fact that I need to figure how to get to NY.. next week-end. – But last night was a delight, communicating with “MacPack”. All these years later and still in touch… and now, even closer. How wonderful. I wish there was more I could do for folks. But, if we keep wishing such nonsense… life becomes a greater burden. – It’s quiet this morning. I’m hoping to get some writing done this week-end. Hope. I’m such a turd. – 23.39 and in bed, later than I’d thought I’d be. And as for the day and “accomplishments”? I got 4 pages of the new book done and put them out as a “Preview” on fesses-book and Twtr and on my blog. And there we have it. Nothing more. Nothing less. Stopped at the store for bread, smokes (no more cash to my name), ice cream and half’n’half. And there we have it. Mostly just diddled… true and so. – The folks next to Stanshit rang this evening. I phoned Jacquie and delivered the message. It turns out that they wanted to trim trees and were concerned that the limb would fall on her property. Meanwhile, I was quite a bit of a mess about it. Honestly! MUST get the fuck out of this shit! – “Meal” today: left-over Chinese. Ick! And not much of it. Too many chocolate covered almonds too. And some ice cream. Yes, I’m a touch hungry but not much. – That one tooth, upper left, with the exposed root, appears to be getting worse. But it’s large and probably won’t be coming out any time too soon. It doesn’t ache but I can feel the edge of the root and the gum is receding rapidly now. One of these days. – But OH! Note: I JUST took the 2nd naproxyn of the day just now after my shower! My back hasn’t bothered me now for 3 days! I still can’t stand back on my heels and my toes won’t curl, but the pain has been gone and the naproxyn is down to only TWO… from 3 or 4. So I suppose that’s good. Still, I wore the old sneakers all day too… nothing with even the slightest heel. The old boots seem to make the right foot go dead. Ah… I’m damaged for the duration and for what? Fuck-all-nothing. – Haven’t seen Gordo’s car in town for about 3 days or more. But Eric’s car is here. THAT was quick, if suspicions are correct. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Sascha barking either. Hmmm… oh well. Meanwhile, the front of the house looks like complete shit at 5225. None of my concern. – I just want to get the fuck out of this state! – That said, a bit of soc.med. and try for sleep. – There’s a fire in the stove tonight. I just couldn’t take any more of the damp chill in the house! I put up with it all day. And it was a beautiful, warm day out-side. But tonight, I want a bit of warmth in here. And so I have it.

Sat.8.Oct: 8.52 at the kitchen table, in my sleep-sweats, as Hallie finishes her breakfast on this over-cast morning, where there’s a warm breeze and…. silence. The laundry is in washing. I’ve had coffee and smoke. And I’d like to go back to bed… to snooze. But… Today? We shall get back to the book! – Tooth-ache, lower left again this morning. But the back is good and the legs are…. aside from muscle cramps, as good as they are of late. – Now… may this day pass with-out ANY drama or conflict. I can hope for that. I don’t expect it. But I can hope for it. – I want OUT and AWAY FROM this state. – 19.10 Dishes done and listening to “Prairie Home” on the Internet. How I miss my radio days! But… better this than none. – 24.39 and I’m JUST getting into bed! Didn’t get my shower in today. But I got the laundry done. What did I do all day? Fucked about on soc.med. mostly. “Meal” was a block of noodles with “cheese curds” and some ice cream. Some chocolate almonds after. Didn’t watch too much news because, well, it’s annoying as all shit today. Trump made a statement 11 years ago about some woman and the media is taking it all to shit! Talk about forcing him to drop out of the race. Pence, the VP is talking about dropping out. This country has finally reached the point where I could actually start my own “Civil War”. There is NO hope for the country at this point. It’s gone. Just as has been written in books of long ago, the U.S.A. is about at its lowest possible point. And I’m disgusted and fed-up with it all. Just sickened beyond hope. – HOW-EVER… I DID FIND A LOAD OF STEVE RILEY MUSIC THIS EVENING AND THAT’S WHY I’M STILL AWAKE! I GOT ABOUT 14 PIECES OF MUSIC ONTO THE iPOD, WITH THE DATES AND LP COVERS! IT’S UP TO 1333 PIECES OF MUSIC NOW! 4,1 DAYS OF MUSIC! And looking at the LP cover for “Friday At Last” pissed me off again. I had that t-shirt! Another bit of “me”… gone. Another reason to make this “future” short. Not to mention, I learnt this evening that I CAN’T DANCE A TWO-STEP ANY MORE. I CAN’T LEAN BACK ON MY HEELS AND I CAN’T TAP MY TOES! RUINED! This state has ruined me and what little was left of my “life”. Fucked beyond repair. Nope… no sense in hanging round longer. I WILL remain for the coming week. Ms. Jacquie will be on the road, touring Northern New England with Ms. Maryrose… New Hampshire, Maine, Rhode Island. States I’d luv to get to see. But “me” isn’t important. I should he happy that I have this house relatively to my-self for several days each week and now I’ll have it for a week, save Sunday night and Monday morning this week. But I just can’t stomach the rest of the bull-shit any longer. I’ll be “kind”, of course. And I won’t say a word about any of it. But… it will all be in mind and heart. – I have to mention that Hallie’s been exceptionally affectionate this week-end. Kisses and playing and cuddling. If possible, I do think that, in her way, she does love me. She’s so precious. She came to me a little while ago, from her sofa, I was in the kitchen finishing my new music transfer and she wanted to go out for a bit. So we did. And she DID give me a kiss “seepie-nigh-night”! Precious little thing. Spoiled, but precious. But, like Dixie has had to do, she too will have to return to the way things were before I got here. I just cannot keep going this way… my health and them, and the hear-aches and the memories and the bull-shit. I just can’t. – Oh well… another day has passed. The rains have passed. The cooler days are returning and so too, the chilly nights. – Oh… I got my finger and toe nails filed today. I suppose that’s something in the line of “accomplishments”. And I’ll have the week to get the rest of me together. Vincent might be up on the week-end. I wonder… If I can figure how, I’ll give the trip a try if he’s up. I can’t say I “can’t” if I don’t try. – Well… I’m not tired and I don’t now why I’m not. I didn’t doze at all today. And tomorrow, Jacquie will be back after 17.00. Somebody phoned to get pumpkins for some function. There was a “Ho-down” this evening some-where. I think they wanted the pumpkins for that. Tough shit. They’re out for sale. No buyers yet. But they’re out there. We shall see. If only I could sell the canoe. It would be a great help! But there… there’s the reason it won’t sell… “help” and me never go together. For just over 200$ I could get it running again. Not a chance! Not for me! – More reason to cut this bull-shit short. – Well… it’s almost 1.00 on Sunday morning. Time to try for a nap… and a nap is all I’m going for tonight. Tomorrow night (tonight?) MAYBE I’ll sleep better… maybe I’ll break into the “Nighty Night” tea too. This is insane. And insomnia isn’t helping… HAHAH! “Helping”! I made a funny. Fuck!

Sun.9.Oct: 8.45 And up at the kitchen table, dressed and not even in the mood to take on the day, never mind, the morning. Bing-bong and the 8.00 alarm to crash into another morning. Over-cast and damp. But Hallie’s had breakfast and I’ve ad coffee, smoke and loo. Fine. And I’ve had the anxieties of travelling the coming week-end. But there’s new music to listen to this morning. Cajun, whilst I try to figure how to get this place together. There’s “stuff” all over the place. Jellies, and veggies, and the likes. I dread beginning but I’m sure it will be done in no time. I think Jacquie’s working until about 17.00 so there’s time enough to get it done. Still… as always, I’d rather go right back to bed. – Plan? Clean and sit to work on the book! I NEED to work on the book. Funny though… last night’s “Prairie Home” had a skit where the mother said to the son, that it’s OK if he never finished that novel he’s been working on for the past 20 years. Ah… and me? It’s actually only 5. Still… I need to work. – Last night’s message from Jacquie said to be sure to close and lock the doors and make certain that Hallie’s inside “when you go to the bathroom”. Ca se peut tu? I understand the concern but… to lock the poor thing in the house all day? Not to mention, locking the place up just to go to the loo. Oh… this is what this state is all about… nonsense and over-reactions. – Oh well… I suppose I must get along with it. The only way to know how the day goes is to … go. – 13.54 And the floors ALL got Hoovered and the kitchen floor got a mopping with a touch of javel. The house is “clean”. Me? Not so much. But I’m considering. But the Cajun music played and I got to “dance” a bit whilst cleaning. Nothing like the “good days” of dancing. But some is better than none (that’s bull-shit). – It’s gone rather chilly. The stove is all ready for a match. And I know I’ll hear something about “the garden” this evening. Oh well. It IS a bit of a shame to have that food go to fertiliser. But (a) I’m not really hungry at all of late, (b) I’m not in the mood to cook, (c) I’m not in the mood for veggies, (d) I don’t really care about the garden any more since last Summer and… (e) I’m certain that there are people out there who want the FREEBIES… like that Sue Rich who actually sent an e-mail saying how lovely it would be to get veggies… would Jacquie drop them off at her place. Fukkoff, thanks. – The house is clean. – My right foot is rather dead today. If I curl my toes, the muscles cramp. Other-wise… useless. – Having a tea. – 14.24 Fire’s on in the stove. Take the chill and damp out. Tonight’s supposed to drop to 1°. Good to get a start on keeping the place dry, at least. – 23.11 In bed and Jacquie too. Hallie was SO happy to see her when she arrived at 17.00! She, Hallie, jumped around and actually barked in joy! The sweet-heart. But it made it difficult for Jacquie… she actually broke down and cried tonight. Said something about going to St. Joseph’s elderly housing in BTV because things here are difficult. When I jokingly said she could go to the Homestead, she replied “Once I’m out of here I never want to see this fucking town again.” I compared Fuklin to NYC and how, as the years have gone by, so much changes, friends are gone and I know how it feels when somebody asks if I’d ever go back and I tell them there’s nothing to go back to. I truly believe that she, Jacquie, is dreading being here in this house, alone. She dreads my leaving here. But the truth is: I can’t stay here like this, with no job and no prospects. And, I don’t want to stay here, in this town, this state. I can’t help but remember Ev’s advice: You’ve always been wonderful about taking care of other people, now it’s time for you to take care of yourself and do what’s good for you Hopefully, this week away will be good for Jacquie. It will be a week… she’ll go right to work on Thursday, come back on Sunday and on Monday, she’s got “training” during the day. Wednesday is her “staff meeting”. It’s going to be difficult, being away from her home for so long. But hopefully, the distance will lend some peace… and more so, hopefully, that Maryrose won’t be a qunt, as she has in the past. Time will tell. – Meanwhile, we watched (I watched, Jacquie dozed) the debate tonight and I made it through to the end. It was a delight. I can’t wait to catch the soc.med. comments… in a bit, when I’m done here. – OH! Just before Jacquie came in this evening, I’d decided to move some wood from the back yard to the garage… she pulled in as I was moving the wood. She insisted that I stop and eat and sat in the kitchen until I fixed 3 franks. Well… time and my gut win again. I wasn’t just lolling. She said I work too much around here. I brushed it off. Little does she know… I do it because I can, because I feel I should, and because, well, as I thought today: Rick said… “I wasn’t raised in dirt, and just because I’m homeless doesn’t mean I should live in dirt now.” We do what we should, not necessarily what we must. Besides… coming home to a clean house and a fire in the wood-stove is comforting… Jacquie deserves that comfort.

Mon.10.Oct: Thanksgiving 24.11 Once again… LATE! And really, the only excuse is soc.med. This late-night shit is annoying, but no matter how tired I am in the morning or all trough the day, it never fails… after mid-night and I’m still awake and bull-shitting. I should be in the shower at least… better, I should be asleep by now. But since I’m awake and the stove needs a mindful eye tonight (going down to about 1°) as it burns to a bed of embers… Let’s catch up on the day… since I’ve put nothing in for it since waking at about 7.30! – I’ve just opened a bottle of wine. Hopefully that’ll help with sleep tonight. And I’ve taken a precautionary naproxyn… most for my back and legs. Tomorrow? (Rather, later today…) I don’t much care. Hopefully nobody will come round. I’m hoping to work on the BOOK! – Anyway, CHEERS! I’m on my last pack of smokes and I have to check the account to see if I can get another this week. Seems Ms. Jacquie left until Sunday and left nothing to get more. Oh well… I’ll have the wine instead. – The day: It began nicely. I woke at about 7.30 and as usual, got up, dressed and to the kitchen where she was sitting at table already. We chatted. It was a delight. I had my coffee and took Ms. Hallie out again for a smoke. COLD! Very brisk this morning. I lolled about for a while, chatting with Jacquie and amusing myself as she made her morning phone calls. I think it was about 11.00 or so when I “got to work”. I’ve wanted to bring more wood into the garage for her… since I’m not planning on being round much longer (one way or another). At least a half cord. I got started and she insisted I stop for lunch. Ah… well… because I didn’t want to stop until done, I had little choice because…. ALMOST ALL OF THE ALREADY STACKED WOOD IN THE GARAGE CAME TUMBLING DOWN AS I RE-STACKED IT! WHAT A FUCK! I left it all over the floor and had the tortellini that she’d cooked (the little bag that we’d gotten when we went to Aldis… a long while back). She’d gone to the freezer and pulled hamburger meat and lamb chops out. Also, some tins of tuna. And she kept insisting that I make sure that I eat during the week. Oh well… indeed. So we had “lunch” and she got her things into the truck as I returned to the garage to clean up my mess. – It must have been after 14.00 when she came to tell me that she was leaving. She was pre-occupied with Ms. Hallie and I told her that she’d have to just go, that I wasn’t about to stop what I was doing. I wished her a safe trip and told her “Have fun!” She’d sent a message over the week-end saying she needed to get out of town for a while. I can’t help but thing: Yeah, YOU need to get out of town for a while and yet, you dread my leaving? People. Honestly. (And then to leave with-out a thought of leaving even enough cash to get ONE pack of smokes? OK. Oh well. I learn another lesson. I’m sure it wasn’t some kind of intention. But still… it would have been nice to have been thought of?) And so, she left and I continued to re-stack the garage. Once that was done, I headed out the door, in spite of my back starting to ache. – The far end of the “back” stack of wood, a half cord or so… 20 pieces at a time into the wheel barrow, I pushed that to the steps by the porch door and 5 pieces at a time, I managed to get most of it into the garage. It’s now stacked right round the landing out-side the kitchen door. BUT… toward the very end of all the damned work I realised that I could stack wood on the porch window sill and simply walk it in! So, the last part was done that way. At one point, I dropped a piece on my left great toe! I haven’t taken my sneakers off to look at it. I hope there’s no “damage”. But I must say: It feels WONDERFUL to see the wood stacked, only 2 rows deep into the garage, and high enough so that the closer stack means merely opening the door and grabbing. When that goes low, the 2nd row can be added to the closer one. Very convenient. This way, (and I know it won’t be done this way), in the better weather, wood can be brought in from out-side. In colder weather, no need to go out. I’m so fucking considerate. (Shame others don’t reciprocate.) – By 17.00 I was done! Floors swept and all! I finished the left-over lunch and sat with Ms. Hallie to take in some snews… but I didn’t nap at all (which is why I’m amazed I’m still awake!). – The stove’s been going all day from last night. And I’m grateful for it. (Oh fuck me! I’ve changed the fucking tool-bar and don’t know how or how to get the “save” back! FUCK this lap-top! Fixed it… Fuck!) And now it’s going for 1.00! Onward here! – The stove is burning away. I’d put aside wood for tonight but it’s almost gone already. But there’s a nice bed of embers glowing in there. It’s not doing too much for the “little room” but it’s better than nothing. Jacquie asked if it would be enough while she’s gone and offered to turn the thermostat up for the boiler. I said we’d be fine with the stove and if it got too cold, I’d sleep in the kitchen. (At this rate, I might anyway… just because.) I had a smoke just earlier, by the stove. It draws the smoke up and out… I learnt that from CTN! Good to know. – And so, a little note: It’s been over a week since Gordo’s car has been in front of 5225 but Eric seems to be the new fixture. This evening, when Hallie and I went out for a ‘troll, I noticed the light in “my room” was on! So! It would be interesting to know what’s going on. I won’t go out of my way to find out. But I will rather hope that the “romance” is over and now poor Eric will be in that room… Ah… if it wasn’t put onto the heating ducts… now HE’LL learn what I went through in there! GOOD! One day, somebody will wise-up and Karma will fly round the place like a banshee on a broom-stick. – Anyway… I was going to shower before bed tonight but I’m not up to it right now. The one glass of wine’s almost done and it’s already after 1.00 on Tuesday morning. But the house is dark, and quiet and calm… and in the kitchen, warm enough… the little room is cooler but at least the heat from the stove has been going into the brick all day. – The kitchen is tidy, all’s neat enough. I could stay up and work on the book but… I think I’ll head to the bed. I’ll make a wash in the morning then. – So, I sent Jacquie the 20.00 report with photos of the wood. There was no mention of the work. I didn’t expect there would be. (I hope I can get the Subaru running during the week and that all goes well… Vincent might be up the week-end and if so… I’m going to give it a shot!) – Time to wrap this shit up.

Tue.11.Oct: Yom Kippur Sun-down tonight – 1.17 Just getting INTO bed and I noticed that the area of the brick (which is the chimney for the wood-stove) right behind my head and pillows is WARM! Not “hot” but quite warm enough to where I can sense it (not “feel” but sense). Of course, the temperature in the stove is probably about 600°F and has been going since last night. But still… it might be only a little bit of warmth but it’s a HELL of a LOT MORE than what I had at 5225! – Now… to try for some nap time. – 9.42 and JUST getting up and dressed! I couldn’t believe it when I looked at the clock as I woke. 9.20! Well! I’ll suppose the wine worked last night (this morning). But I feel as if I’d been on a “binge” all night. Not good. And, once again, this morning, the ear-wax just dropped out of the right ear. That never happened until I got here, to VT. Well, I need to take a “good” shower anyway. Perhaps tonight? We shall see. – The embers had gone to black in the stove last night but kicked back in after a bit of a stir this morning. The porch thermo reads 40F but the sun is shining. Tomorrow it’s supposed to go back up to 20C. We shall see what comes along. (And then, after that, another plummet. No prob. I just have to figure which wood to use for heat. I don’t want to use too much… since it’s still only October and it’s more important to have enough to carry Jacquie through the Winter. I’m such a moron… no matter what. As Schmulik once said: You can go any-where you want but you’ll always be you…. I add: the idiot.) – And so, today… the book is the agenda. Let’s see how far I get with THAT! I’ll be recounting 5 years ago… this month. I want to vomit. – 23.18 and 10 smokes left. Awake again… too fucking late! And after a day of shitting about the place. I got a little more written in the book but certainly not enough to validate waking up. And I DID take what amounted to be a 2-hour nap this afternoon. I haven’t showered. I haven’t made a wash. I’ve stoked the damned stove most of the day because it was colder in the house than out. Essentially… the day is fucked… again. I had a half jar of my borscht for “meal” and some “apple cobbler” with half’n’half after. I did manage to check my account at the banque. 40-something in there. I can get another pack of smokes, when need be. And I’m down to 10 in the pack now… not bad. But I’m out for another… the last. – Letting the stove burn down for clean-up tomorrow. Yom Kippur… and I’m having a half glass of the wine I opened… so I can hide the bottle. I wonder if it’ll be noticed. Oh well… if it is, it is. – I need to get to bed… SOON! – 23.50 In bed… not tired, really. In from last smoke. Silhouettes of the trees out back. A nice night, truth be told. I want out of this town, away from this state. I looked across at the post office… my death in this state… hateful little shit-hole that it is. But again, tonight, I can feel the warmth of the brick behind me. The room is chilly, but the brick is warm. I’ve left the flue open. Warmth. Something I didn’t have for 3 years. I fucking HATE this state! – If I hear from Vincent, if he’s up the week-end, I’m going to try to get there. If I don’t try, I’ll never know. And now, the major reason for getting back to NY is… getting away from it ALL.. away…away… away. I’ve taken enough… MORE than enough. –

Wed.12.Oct: Yom Kippur. 7.14 On a day when I should probably have stayed in bed, asleep, much later, here I am, awake, at a fairly descent hour. Awake. Had coffee and smoke. Greeted again, this morning, by flocks of Canada geese, reminding me that the colder days are ahead as they make their way to the South-lands. reminding me that I shouldn’t be here this morning. And how I wish I were across the lake… back in the land from when I came. Morning… again… here. – Tooth-ache this morning again too. Left side this morning. It shifts, left, to right, to left, to right, to left. My feet are still weak. Something, each morning, reminding me that my “time” is running out.
I’ll return to die where I was born.
Well, if so, I’ll have to get my shit together, and damned-well soon. – Meanwhile, today, on the “agenda”: scanning the few water-colours that I have here. 3 years ago yesterday, I’d posted the Adirondack lake on fesses-book. I’d re-posted it and Dorothy saw it and raved. Even Martha responded with a little image that read “Je t’aime”. And Dorothy asked that I make a water-colour for her as well. So? Perhaps, if I can get them scanned, I can print. I’ve got the water-colour paper. (There isn’t enough ink in the printer here to print a nice copy, but if I can get a good scan, I might be able to get something out of something. Hey! Maybe I could even sell some copies? I doubt it. That would be asking for too much. But… I’ll scan them anyway. We shall see what misery comes of it.) – The trash has to be brought out this morning, and the stove needs to be cleaned out too. Yom Kippur and there’s work that needs to be done. – This morning I remember Yom Kippurs of the past. Riverdale Temple, at Margot’s. 2 in the Shelter…. the first in the Orthodox schul on 14th Street when I had the cold and spent the morning soaking tissues and a bandanna, another at Town and Village. “Avinu Malchenu”. It’s a day of, as Rabbi Lewis said, “At One ment”. It’s not ALL about the fasting and such. It’s a day of introspection, honest self-judgement. Are we perfect? No. None of us is. But have I caused others to suffer? Oh, probably, from time to time. Intentionally? Not hardly. As what’s her name said that evening on the porch in Rockaway: Our lives are a mess and we can’t fix that so we try to fix the world. I’ve tried… all my life, because my own is a total shit. Have I succeeded? Not hardly. But even Ev only just recently put it: You’ve always done good for others, it’s time to do some good for you. If only I could… if only I knew what that is… if only I could. – Yom Kippur. In the words of Hillary Clinton: What difference does it make now? And the answer is….. None. – On with this day. I’m typing from bed, the light is on. It’s morning… and another day that needs to be filled. THE BOOK! I need to focus. And there’s a shower and some laundry calling as well. See? There’s shit to fill the day. – 23.01 And again, I’m awake and “doing” at the hour I’d planned to be asleep. The wash is in the dryer and I’m SHOWERED. There are only 8 pages done on the book, but I scanned and “tweaked” my art-work, making it more “presentable” in digital format. What else did I do? Oh, I cleaned the ash from the stove. But that was done shortly after I got out of bed. What else? Nothing, really. – But I must say that it was a good day with feet and legs today. And yes, I did nibble during the day. “Meal”? Finished another jar of borscht, had 3 franks on rolls and some of the apple cobbler. My teeth ached all during the day. And I’ve had a small glass of wine and a Players. I’m down to about 3 smokes in the Camels and 1 Players now. Thankfully, there’s 40 in the account. I don’t want to spend it on Camels, but I’ve no choice, really. 15$ per pack here when, up North I could get 25 to the pack and like them even more. Oh well.. more shit to deal with. I still am a little upset that nothing was mentioned and nothing left on Monday. But that’s how folks be. – A thought, just as I was out having my smoke in the dark:
Why can we not believe that our “purpose” in this existence is merely to clutter the planet, arrange our clutter as we see fit and that’s the end of it all? I mean, really, we’re no more important than those little fish in the brooks, or the moles in the yard (of which here, there are many). And when this “life” is done… so too, are we? Why can we not settle for that and believe it? “Religion”? We MUST have a concrete purpose for “being” and so many MUST believe that there’s “something” after this. Really? After this? Fish, squirrels, birds are given nothing “after”. Pets are. How stupid is that? But us? Wow! What a farce.
I’m having anxieties over NY. My gut is telling me that it’s not going to go as thought. Oh well… It will go as “planned” then. I’m running down… time to leave. – As for this non-productive day… it’s over. The wash is in the dryer, as I say. That’s something. I’m showered. That’s something else, I suppose. And after that? Fukkit! Tomorrow? What the actual fuck? It’ll be just another one. – Note though: at 5225, the trash barrels are still out in the street and only Bobo’s car is in front. Gordo’s was there earlier and Eric’s is gone. The house was dark at about 20.15 when Hallie and I went out. I hope Dixie is being taken care of. Those shits don’t give a fuck about anything but themselves. May Karma ride freely about the place, doling pay-back liberally and solidly.

Thu.13.Oct: 8.47 already. Nope. It wasn’t a 5-hour nap last night. Oh well. But Jacquie’s returning to VT today and there are things to be done… just in case. She said she wouldn’t be coming to the house, rather, going directly to work. But one can never be sure. My, but those days passed quickly. Oh well. – Over-cast this morning. But not cold. And me? Achy this morning. Stiff back and legs. And teeth ache… all through. Oh well. It was a good day yesterday. We can’t have that for too long. – On with another day. BFD. – 24.15 and the end of another completely wasted day. Truly. No book work. No nothing. Just a lot of soc.med. and general bull-shit. BUT…. I DID get Jacquie’s mail in and out AND I DID learn something From Lisa at the PO:
Seems Bobo married Gordo and they’re leaving the house. The garbage barrels are still out on the street from Wednesday. (Yesterday, actually.) But the house was in darkness yesterday and Eric’s car is gone. I’m imagining that he couldn’t take the cold in there any longer and brought Dixie with him. I’m hoping that’s the story. I’ll never know. But Lisa was quick to tell that she’d received a phone call telling her that the two got married on Monday and are leaving town. How nice… for them. The town will be better off with-out them but I can’t help but think of Jacquie… more of her town is gone. Well, to a point. The Gliddens are now completely gone. And the Bobo that was left is now leaving. What was the “Gliddens’” for some 40-plus years will now either rot to the ground or be taken by somebody else. Alas… that’s the way it goes.
Meanwhile, I sent an e-mail to Vincent asking when he’ll be up again. I suspect that, if he’s coming up this week-end, it will be tomorrow and he’d probably leave on Sunday to go back to Bklyn. Shame, that. If he’d be here on Sunday evening, I might have either gotten Jacquie to go or borrowed the truck. We shall see. In any event, one way or another, I HAVE to try to get there an get out of here.. SOON! – Today the rains came, then the winds of change and tonight, the skies are almost clear and the air is COLD. Not the zero degrees as forecast, but cold none-the-less. – Jacquie got back to work this evening at 17.30 and so, her road trips are done. “Next year”? I really can’t say that I care. One way or another… I’ll be “gone” from all of this. I could, if I were the type, stay here for a while longer. I’ve no doubt she’d appreciate the company more than anything else. But with no income and such, I can’t stay… and I won’t. It goes down to my basic: It’s too easy to drop me.. so? The “kindness” extended by others to me over the past is returned or paid forward. I must leave. – I went to the store this morning and fucked my account with 2 packs of smokes. Now I have to ration accordingly and the balance is back down to LOW! (Not to mention, I hope nothing about Vincent’s refund is mentioned. I had the money because of his purchase of the book… which, if he’s read the first one, will probably have some kind of “interesting” tilt to the potential leaving?) I’m pissed that I had to spend that money, but its done. Later on, I went back for ice cream, bread, egg-nog, little pizzas and cheese. Dinner? Freezer pizzas, 2, with the extra cheese. Ice cream after, of course. There’s burger meat and lamb chops in the freezer… they’ll probably be there on Sunday when Jacquie gets back. Never let it be said that I’ve eaten HER out of house and home. (145$ in food bought… I haven’t eaten much of it. Good for me.) – My teeth are still bothering me. I hope this isn’t anything serious. – Last night I shot off an e-mail to O’Reilly on Fox news. I missed his 20.00 broadcast so stayed up to watch the re-cast at 23.00. Nope. Not mentioned. – Fire in the stove again tonight but tonight it’s necessary. The kitchen is nice and warm. This little room is a bit on the chilled side but NOTHING like the room in 5225. – I should have showered before bed tonight. I should have trimmed by beard today. I can do it all when I wake… later… since it’s already….

Fri.14.Oct: 0.31 Last night i got to bed at about 2.00. Looks like I’m heading for that again. But I napped during the day… “Dropped-off” is more like it. Terrible! It’s been like this more months. Fatigue and depression… no doubt. – A run through on the soc.med. and lights out. I wish I was tired. – 9.28 Woke at about 8.20 (not too happy about THAT because I don’t even recall having heard either of the two alarms this morning, this nonsense has GOT to end!) and…. already I’ve had coffee, smoke, fed Hallie, trimmed my beard and re-started the stove. The stove is interesting: toss the coals form last night, which were completely black, leave the little door open for about 5 minutes and the coals turn to embers and all it takes is to lay new wood on, give it about 3 minutes more and POOF! New, matchless fire. This day has begun. – I’m giving me until 10.00 to pfutz about and then… BOOK! No bull-shit this morning. – Last night was first “real frost”. Jacquie’s been worried about the peppers in the garden. Oh well… I’ll see if I can get out there and maybe salvage some. She’s concerned. Me? Not so much. Not my garden, not my veggies. There are folks who have NO trouble coming to snatch and grub, but REFUSE to lend a hand with planting, weeding, etc. I still recall Sue Rich, when I asked if she’d be taking squash: “If you’re picking them for me.” Right then. Fuk-d-duk-off. Buh-bye. – Teeth are a bit achy this morning and for the first time in about 3 days, I took another naproxyn this morning. Let’s hope there’ll be no more of those for this day. – Off we go… on with the day! It’s sunny… and COLD. – 23.14 AGAIN! LATE TO BED! But I’m SHOWERED! Tomorrow is laundry. – Today’s head-line: 5 pumpkins were sold. the 5$ pumpkins. 20$. Somebody came by as I was bringing the craps from the 4,5 jars of beet, turnip and aubergine soup I’d made today, to the compost. UNfortunately, the idiots who were buying them went up-stairs and Kailah sold them. How stupid can people be? Going UP-stairs to enquire about the sale? But this is Vermont. That explains that point. Anyway, as I was in the yard, Kailah gave me the 20 and I said that it can be used by Jacquie for gas money for the truck. Then, when I went to send Jacquie a note about the sale, SHE asked if some “Dinny” had come by to get the pumpkins that she (Jacquie) had “donated”. Oh well… No. No “Dinny” came by and some of the pumpkins are sold. Let’s see where the 20 goes on Sunday. And of course, only yesterday, I fucked my account buying smokes. Timing… again. – So, the soup. That was the accomplishment today. I got more done on the book but not very much. For some reason, the damned program made the fucking pages “bounce” so I had to shut the lap-top down and then… it was off to the soup, followed by dinner, and dishes and the likes. I’m disgusted. – No word from Vincent today either. Now I’m spiralling into a full-out depression. I’m of the belief that this move is shot to shit. And I’m angry and depressed and fucking rip-roaring pissed. MY FAULT AGAIN! Listening to others, putting them before me. Nope… not happening. And tonight? Well, last night we got a frost and tonight, already now, it seems we’ll get another. The cold nights are coming. It’s going to be rather brisk on the Hurricane at this point. FUCK ME! AGAIN! – Well… in the news, it’s all about the collusion and criminal activities of the Clintons. This country is heading for the shit-bin…. rapidly. It’s a great time to call it all “quits’ and get the fuck out. I’ve have more than enough. – Soc.med. time and then to sleep (I hope). No matter what, in the morning, I MUST get up and out of this bed NOT later than 7.00. Period. Time to get me and my shit together. And it’s time to “pack for the Hurricane”. I’m at the end.

Sat.15.Oct: 6.24 Well, I made it. I woke at a decent hour this morning. Rested too. And the clothes are in the wash already. I’m in from a smoke. The fire is started. And here I am, at the kitchen table. Some degree of “normalcy”. – Morning note: It used to bother me, on Thursday’s, when I’d see that all the wood I’d stacked in the kitchen for what I thought would last a week, was almost gone. To think that all that wood was burnt in only a week’s time. But this morning, I’ve come to appreciate what it takes to warm this place with only the wood-stove. It’s almost a constant re-stoking through the day. But how silly, really, when there’s oil as well, and yet, it won’t be used. The other note? Stir the embers in the morning, give them a couple of minutes and they come to life again… glowing red. No paper, or matches and the likes. Just stir, wait, toss on another bit of wood, leave the stove door open and VOILA! A new fire begins… as it’s beginning even as I type. – Well, another morning, another day, new anxieties and the likes. Another day to fill with something. Another day of what-the-fuck-ever. – 16.52 Well, the day is drawing to a close as the sun tries to set into the garden. And me? I need a shower and to re-wash my shirts. Why? Because, after putting in a few more paragraphs on the book this morning, I decided to replenish the wood in the kitchen which led to covering the wood-pile out back and re-stacking part of it. On Saturday! AND… I hit the garden to “rescue” the peppers and some aubergines. Not too many, but enough to make it appear as if they’re “rescued”. On Saturday. Oh well… If I sit in the recliner for more than about 3 minutes, I doze off… constantly. It’s no good, really. I wonder why. Maybe it’s because I’m in constant pain some-where on my body of late. Today, I finally rinsed my teeth with hot salt-water. Bits of almonds and such came out and the pain subsided some-what. If I keep it up a bit longer, I might get the teeth all cleaned out and THAT pain will subside. (My back and legs “went” as I brought the fire-wood into the kitchen though and it’s been a couple of days since I last took a naproxyn.) – Got a message from Vincent this morning. He came up today but will be leaving tomorrow… as I suspected and thought even last night. So? My anxieties increase. He asked if the “mess” here was settled. I assured him, it is and that I’m at the end of my tether with it all, stressing that I had a calmer existence in NYC… not that I expect that statement to be of any help to me. I’m actually just so at the end of all of this bull-shit at this point. – Meanwhile, Hallie and I took a stroll. There’s still no sign of anybody being at 5225 and a glance o’er the fence revealed that the yard is a mess! The place is all but abandoned. Good. It proves (again) that I worked my arse off at that place and that nobody helped. Not (again) that that makes any difference to anybody here. After all, the only thing it does is make everybody else look bad. Fukkemall. – Now, back to what-ever for a while. I had the half jar of yesterday’s “soup”. Pretty good, indeed, I must say. I doubt I’ll have anything else other than, perhaps, a snack or something. – It was a relatively warm day today too. But I’m keeping a bit of a fire going in the stove, more to keep the wall and the “little room” warm enough. It seems the wood is burning away quickly so I’ll have to enjoy the warmth whilst I may. – This is going to be an interesting week: Jacquie will be back tomorrow (probably later, I’ve no doubt), then away for a few hours on Monday, back on Tuesday and away for a few hours on Wednesday. Then she’ll be back to her work-week-end. I should be revelling in the solitude, but it’s only increasing my anxieties and dislike for this place. To think that, at once upon a time, I looked forward to spending time in this house alone. Now, all I can think of is: I CANNOT stay here like this. – And then there’s the matter of the car… I don’t know if it’ll make a trip to and from NY. I don’t know if it’ll make it TO NY. I’m afraid to run it and afraid not to. Perhaps tonight, when the sun is gone, I’ll give it a roll round the street. We shall see. – Right now, I’d like, very much, to go back to sleep… forever. – 23.01 In bed and showered. At long, long last this day is gone too. There’s a beautiful full moon shining out there. It would be a lovely night to stay up through, but (a) I don’t have enough smokes to last me through it and (b) that exposed tooth, upper left and a badly broken tooth, lower left are PAIANFUL tonight! I put “OraJel” on them before I went to take the shower. It’s helping a bit. I also brushed the Hell out of them. Through the day, I soaked and rinsed with salt water. Will it help? I doubt it. One of these days I’ll just tug until I pull them. As for the bottom left side, there’s also the stump of a root left IN the jaw. One of these days, that too, will start and there’s no way of getting at it short of digging in there. Oh well… it won’t be for much longer… Fact is: the only way out of all of this pain is death, and that’s looking better with each passing moment. – Now then, I thought I’d take a naproxyn, but I MUST wake early enough tomorrow to have the floors done AND be busy when “Maman” returns. I thought I might have a “Tea” too. But… 6 or 7.00 will come round very shortly. I can’t afford to be in bed when… – I SO want out of and away from here but…. – Ms. Hallie. I realised tonight that she becomes anxious when she thinks she’s going to be left alone. I tried to sneak out for a smoke before the shower and she noticed me going past the kitchen door, in the darkness of the porch. She parked, as usual, by the kitchen door. When I came back in, she followed me around the house, even into the loo. She truly does NOT feel well about being left alone! The poor little creature. It must have been living Hell for her before I actually moved into this place. It breaks my heart. I understand that Jacquie needs to work to keep the place. Of course, she didn’t have to go to Italy with Cecil’s insurance money. But that’s how people are. As I told Hallie earlier: People are ugly, hideous creatures. (I was scratching her head and rubbing her face as I spoke with her and when I stopped, she lifted her paw as she does to say “Please”. She wanted the contact.) And all the nonsense about travels and trips and going here and there, before work, after work, days off and the likes? Bull-shit. Learn to stay at home and keep the poor little dog company. I mean, last week it was heart-breaking to see Hallie jumping about the yard and bouncing about the kitchen, barking because she was so happy that Jacquie was home again… only to waltz out the door mere days later. Fuck this shit, really. – Meanwhile, I still have Dixie’s photo as the “wallpaper” on the lap-top. Another little life… all but abused. Sure… just toss them some food and water from time to time and that’s that? Well, the “Bender” saw what happens when they get treated the way they treat their little critters. That house is a mess! (It’ also still empty… I should have gone and gotten what I wanted out of that barn, but… fuck that too at this point.) ‘Married” now? Karma will attend to that as well. None of my business. And as for here? Well… Jacquie will see how Hallie feels when I’m no longer around (soon, I pray). (And as I type, the teeth begin to ache again. The “gel” is wearing off already! SHIT!) – And so, that’s that. – There’s a fresh wood pile in the kitchen. I’m letting the embers burn out tonight. It’s not that cold anyway and its going to warm up a bit again during the week so, that’s fine. – Tomorrow is cleaning out the stove, the floors, and probably raking some of the leaves in the yard. The crab apples have to go at any rate. I hope I have the back and legs to get it done. It’ll give Hallie and I time out. – OH! NEXT MONTH MY FUCKING PASSPORT EXPIRES TOO! 110$ FUCKING DOLLARS AND NO ADDRESS. ISN’T THAT JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL? – Honestly… death… Why I don’t just get up and go now… But “now” it’s because I won’t leave Hallie alone here. The day is coming. Hopefully the Subaru will get me to the Hurricane. – Time to wrap shit up. I don’t want to be awake past midnight tonight!

Sun.16.Oct: 7.51 PAIN PAIN PAIN!!!!! PLEASE !!!! NO MORE PAIN! PLEASE! MY LOWER LEFT… TEETH!!! PAIN THIS MORNING. I’m just up, for mere moments. Didn’t get to sleep until ever so late because of the PAIN! The 6.00 alarm sounded and I dozed. The 7.00 alarm sounded and I dozed. And the PAIN! Now, again, MORE PAIN! JUST SO MUCH PAIN!!! I just got rid of the pain in the back and now this. More PAIN! When will it ever stop? I had coffee… and there was PAIN. ad my smoke and more PAIN! But I’ve taken TWO naproxyns this morning. And there’s work to be done. – Message from Jacquie last night: Maryrose should be here by 9.30 and well go to church and she’ll probably want to do a little shopping. Ah, I was snarky when I mentioned how terrible for her (MR) to have gotten rid of her car, and that she (J) could use the extra time to rest and to come home to Hallie. Poor Hallie who is, at the moment, on the kitchen floor beside me as I type this. – Well… the temperature is mild, the winds are blowing, there’s a bit of cloud cover but the sun is coming up. Hopefully, there will be just enough to keep busy enough to dodge the PAIN of this morning. – PAIN!!! WHEN WILL IT END? When Death comes to take it away. – Sunday morning… broken teeth and … PAIN! – 20.57 and the house has gone to bed. And yes…. PAIN!!! More “OraJel” and another naproxyn and still PAIN! – There’s a good fire in the stove too, even though, out-side tonight is comfortably warm… warm enough to take a trip to the Hurricane, BUT… it’s raining. Never “quite good”. The world luvz to just fuck me every way it can. – And meanwhile… Jacquie got back at about 13.30. I’d just gotten up from a 30-minute lie-down because I HAD to lie down! The PAIN was incredible and I wanted, so much, to sleep it away. I’d raked up all of the apples on the front lawn and lightly raked some leaves too and was feeling it all over… but more-so… the teeth! I didn’t get to sleep for that 30 minutes, but the lie-down did help. Ah.. and Jacquie had gone booze-shopping in NH and brought some VO back… and poured 3 fingers into a glass. I soaked the teeth and drank. I helped so much! But not for a very long time. Just long enough to be able to semi-chew a lamp chop… with rice and beets. Shortly after eating, of course, the pain came back. Then, Jacquie decided to start the wood-stove. (POOR JACQUIE! THE WOMAN IS EXHAUSTED AND IT’S 21.03 AND THOSE IN-BREEDS UP-STAIRS ARE POUNDING OVER HER BED-ROOM! Well, she’ll get to experience it tonight. A shame, really, because by 7.15 tomorrow, she wants to be back on the road… she’s got “training”… 8.30-16.30. Poor kid, she’ll be exhausted!) OK… so the wood-stove was welcome and the timing couldn’t have been better because after raking, I brought the “remnant’ wood, the stuff that didn’t fit under the tarps, into the garage and porch. And yes, I DID get thanks for the stacked wood in the garage. – So we had dinner and she wanted ice cream. She’d given me 40$ “for cigarettes” (and I’d grabbed the 20 from the pumpkins) so I went to the store with my FS card where I got the ice cream, a container of salt to rinse my teeth and 2 packs of smokes! Jada was there. Oddly, she knows nothing about what’s been going on at 5225 BUT… she worried about DIXIE! AND… she tells that Eric (she just referred to the guy with the red car) was seen “packing the car” and leaving. Now, Jacquie and I are hoping that Eric has Dixie because nobody’s been in that house since Wednesday! But Eric was packing the car at night! So… we shall see. – So for now, the day is done. I’m going to try to get some sleep. The OraJel is “working” a bit. Hopefully through the night. I’ll wake early in the morning to help Jacquie get up. I can always go back to bed when she leaves, if need be. – Another day done in the shit-hole. –

Mon.17.Oct: 14.07 PAIN PAIN PAIN!!! THE TEETH! And I just rinsed with salt water and applied more OraJel. Bt this morning, I woke at 6.00, chatted with Jacquie until she left at about 7.00, had coffee, smoke and was fine. Napped form 8-9.00 and woke… still fine. No pain. At about 9.30 or so, Kerry stopped by. I was busy, cleaning the back-splash over the stove, still fine. We chatted about her move, Stanshit, the Bobo’s and she left to “garden” and then to head back to Québec. All was fine. I went to the barn, got out the spray paints there and put some colour back onto the now-dead zinnias and as I did that, the “Dinny” showed to take her pumpkins from the garden. I was about to put them all at the table. Timing, eh? Anyway, she took what she wanted and I put the rest at the table, with the newly coloured flowers. Next? A coat of orange and yellow paint on the “veggies 4 sale” sign. I’ll put “Punkinz” on it when it’s dry. – Rang that fellow who called about the canoe and left a message. I was hungry. It was about 13.00. I had a bowl of ice cream and watched a little snews and THEN… BANG! PAIN PAIN PAIN! HORRIBLE! It just SLAMMED BACK! I’m OK so long as I don’t eat anything. What I need is soup and straws to keep ALL food stuff out of my mouth and away from those teeth. But alas… I doubt that’s to happen. And Jacquie keeps saying “You need to go to a dentist, maybe have them pulled.” As if I can can afford a dentist. Well… there goes the money I’d hoped to get out of the canoe… and even THAT won’t happen. Of that, we can be sure. – Well… time to try for another paragraph on the book… at long last. I’m wasting TOO TOO much time! – Oh, and no word from Vincent. Between that and these teeth… it’s time to get the actual fuck out of this existence. – Meanwhile, the sun is shining and warm. Maybe I should “leave” tonight. – 22.11 P A I N P A I N P A I N P A I N P A I N P A I N P A I N P A I N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Salt-water rinse and more OraJel and I could fill a page with the word “PAIN” and it wouldn’t describe it closely. It shot up INTO my EAR! I was in the loo to rinse and the pain SHOT up INTO my ear! I popped a blood vessel in my right eye from trying to squelch the agony. The house is in bed. I can’t yell. I can’t whine. I’m in the bed, trying to keep from moaning. Jacquie offered again, this evening, to make an appointment with her dentist to have the teeth extracted. I can’t afford it. She can’t afford it. AND, I don’t want to risk having anything more than a rotting tooth discovered. I can’t eat. I’m actually hungry but putting ANYTHING in my mouth starts the PAIN. ANYTHING. I have to look-up that “pulling” with coconut oil and then maybe, I have to find some. No doubt, it’s not available in the local store. But… – Time to look. And then try to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better.

Tue.18.Oct: 9.20 FINALLY got to sleep… this morning. The pain turned “dull” and I drifted off. It must have been shortly before the 5.45 alarm sounded. I turned it off and dozed back to sleep until about 8.30 and dozed again until almost 9.00 when, I just decided it was time to get out of bed. 2 naproxyns with morning coffee Let’s hope. The teeth are back at “dull” pain right now. – Jacquie’s at the kitchen table, doing her bills and burning all sorts of paper in the stove. – I woke at one point, wet from sweat. It’s very warm out-side this morning and I’m still sweating to the point where my glasses are fogging as I type this, on the bed, in the little room. And right now, there’s a different tooth aching, bottom left, this morning. I’m breaking-down. I’ve got to figure how and when to get out of here before it’s too late. Indeed, it’s time to go. – I mentioned the coconut oil pulling to Jacquie. She said I could go with her to BTV this evening and get some in a “health food” store. The stuff is available at the supermarket, cheaper, and I could get it on FS. I don’t know… I could mention that to her. I don’t want to “mention”. – And I MUST get the Subaru out and about. I should get good gas into the tank, run it before it rusts. Funny how pain makes everything seem such a huge endeavour. – Well, it’s 9.27. Time to ignore the pain and find something… “to do”. I will “do” until I drop. – 22.44 FINALLY! Another day is done! This one was rather “full”. For most of the morning I was useless, tired, light-headed. Poor, POOR sleep last night with all the PAIN. And at one point, I woke, drenched in sweat. No doubt, there’s something in my system now because of these teeth. But at one point, I gave in and walked over to the store thinking I’d never find any coconut oil over there. I decided to try “pulling”. Nothing to loose… except 10$ on FS! But I got a jar! Imagine that! 10$! Got back to the house and tried it immediately. Well, I can’t say one way or the other, if it’s helping with the pain, because even now, after 3 shots, I still have pain. But it is interesting that it does make the teeth feel much cleaner. To think, swishing oil over, around and in between the teeth can make them feel “clean”. Well, it’s begun anyway. – To avoid thinking about the pain, I went out and cut down all the corn stalks in the garden. Tomorrow I’ll bundle them and use them round the house for decoration of some kind (or something). – Jacquie offered a ride into BTV this evening and… I decided to run the Subaru for a while. Water came out of the exhaust so that’s not such a good thing. I decided: I could go get 5 gals. of gas, I needed more “OraJel” and I wanted to see if I could get another jar of coconut oil at Hannaford’s for less money. And, I was hoping to get the batteries for the little solar lights (that I still need to fetch from 5225). At 16.00, off we went. We picked up one her co-workers in Winooski. I’ve seen yet another neighbourhood there. Not bad, but I still am not terribly impressed with the town. Never really was and today, it’s still connected with PJ so…. those feelings of being un-impressed remain. – I dropped them at their meeting and took Ms. Hallie for a ride. – First stop… Shell! 5 gals. of gas for the car at a cost of just over 13$ (off the 20$ gift card). On the road to the Dollar Store for batteries and such… but nothing there. Walgreens for store brand “OraJel” AND temporary filling for the bottom tooth! YAY! (Although I’m not sure when I’ll get to that because I doubt the “pulling” will be good for it. But at least it’s here!) Next? Lowe’s for the batteries. 17$ for 3! Nope. Luckily, it was across from Hannaford’s so… 2 jars of coffee, more creamer, a box of breakfast cereal AND a jar of coconut oil at MUCH less than what I paid at the store in Fuklin! BUT… the very same 10$ jar at the store was just under 7$ at Hannaford’s! Fucking thieves with their mark-ups at this fucking store! And the Fuklin store had “refined”. At least now I have the UN-refined which is supposed to be better. I was SO HUNGRY, since I haven’t eaten in 2 days now, so I got 2 little yoghurt drinks which I had, through a straw, in the parking lot there. It helped my stomach a bit but the PAIN in the teeth came POUNDING back! The cold against them. Sometimes the cold hurts, sometimes it helps. But I needed to get SOMEthing into my stomach and so there it was. Hallie and I went to fetch Jacquie and bring her co-worker home. I drove. – In spite of the tooth pain, it was delightful! – BUT HOT!!!? OH YEAH! HOT! Especially in BTV it felt like a Summer day. Even the thermo-sign at the Winooski school read 82°F! Amazing! And according to the forecast, we’re to have several more days of this, with rain of course. Then? BOOM! Back to October. But for now, it’s nice. If not for the rain, it would be perfect weather to hit the Hurricane. But I don’t deserve to have to fend against rain. No matter what: Pain, rain, cold… I will NOT see my last moments out, suffering as I have for 61 years! Fukdatshit! – And so, that said, no shower again today, but tomorrow Jacquie goes to staff meeting so I’ll make time then. – Right now, as is typical, the pain is returning in the teeth. Of course, it’s time for sleep. Can’t expect to simply put my head down and do that. And to think: once again… 2 naproxyns, with a Twisted Tea and… well… eventually my liver will probably shut down. But… I don’t much give a shit one way or the other. – Speaking of which… even with-out eating for 2 days, I just weighed-in: 174lbs! This can’t be fat. Something’s “growing” in there. I don’t care what. I don’t care about much these days. – And still… no word from Vincent. – Time for soc.med. review and TRY for SOME sleep tonight… the PAIN is returning. – 23.07 It’s 22°!!! And the WIND is all bur HOWLING out there! 13km/h with gusts of 28km/h! Sounds STRONGER! Saturday will be the killer: High temp: 7°! –

Wed.19.Oct: 9.07 I can’t believe that I woke this morning… late, round 8.00… NO PAIN! NO TOOTH-ACHE! I’ve had my coffee and smoke and… NO PAIN! NO TOOTH-ACHE! And I just “pulled” and aside from the stress of the swishing… NO PAIN! NO TOOTH-ACHE! Well, to a point, of course no pain… I have more gel and the temp filling. So I don’t NEED either… because I spent the money on getting them. Oh well… NOT whining nor complaining. Let’s see how long this lasts… Shall we then? – But I woke out of some kind of DREAM:
I was working in a health-care facility, new job, and the supervisors/managers wanted me to work with a Black woman named “Jackie”. And “Jacquie” worked there too. But this other “Jackie”, it seemed in the dream, was the senior in the place and the one on whom they all relied. They kept pushing me: “We want you to spend as much time with Jackie as you can.” And I wondered if I wasn’t hired to take “Jacquie’s” job from here. (It was like Schmulik bringing me into the studio to replace Eddie. Hmmmm….)
OK. So it was part of a carry-over over of Jacquie’s union meeting and the talk she and “Alicia” (the co-worker) were having after, and how they reminded me of how happy I actually am, not working in health-care any longer and certainly not working in a union job. Still… strange dream, that. – Meanwhile, last night, the pain kept me awake again, through the night. I have NO idea when, at last, I finally passed out to sleep from pure exhaustion. I heard the 6.00 alarm this morning and went back to sleep. Of course. I’ve been wiped-out these past few days. But, as I say… it’s already 9.16, Jacquie’s working on her “order entry” in the dining room, I’m in the kitchen at the table and… still… as of this moment… NO PAIN! May this last…. on and on and on and on…. Amen. – 23.00 Watched the debate. I’ve got the gut feeling that this country’s going to go straight to Hell in a few weeks. A Clinton will be back in the White House and all will go completely to shit. Oh well… I don’t care. I won’t be around long enough for it to make any difference to me, directly. – This evening, Jacquie and I some-what discussed my presence here. Said I, I believe that it’s taken for granted that she has nobody in town, and, for the most part, that’s true. I’m very glad that I could be here so that she could go on her trip with her Maryrose, and she said that she appreciates that I’m here when she goes to work. We didn’t discuss my leaving (although, now, I believe that will come when I go “home”… Hurricane. I’m not even looking at Moriah at this juncture). She gave me an envelope with some cash in it “because you drove on that trip to CT and took care of Hallie and took care of her last week”. I don’t know how much is in it, but I’ll see tomorrow or so. – Today, I put the 5 gals. of gas into the Subaru. 3/4 tank! YAY! And I ran it whilst I moved the canoe back to the porch. That was about all I got done today. – Lunch was the left-over rice which caused the start of the tooth-aches again, but a bit of coconut oil alloyed that only a bit. When Jacquie got back this evening, we had stuffed peppers which were WONDEFUL! (Oh, I’d made a milk-shake after the rice. The cold wasn’t so bad, but it’s as always: ANYTHING I eat or drink seems to start the pain until… rinsed out.) The peppers bothered my teeth a bit and I’ve just done another “pull” for the night. But it was SO good to eat “food”! – Speaking of which… Jacquie stopped at the market today and brought more beer and yoghurt… FAGE! A large container and smaller ones too. I told her to stop. We can get that stuff of FS and that she should accept getting her taxes back. (I hope that excuse works.) I wish she’d stop buying for me. And she asked about my sneakers, insisting that I need new. I told her I paid my Reboks 65$. Hopefully that stopped the talk about new sneakers. Honestly, at the rate things are going… I’m jut looking forward to packing the car and disappearing … soon. – Well… 23.09, the teeth are throbbing and it’s time to run through the soc.med., see what kind of stupidity is being posted and face the pain of the night. I’ve taken another naproxyn a little while ago but I know already… it’s night, time to sleep, the pain will come on… STRONG.

Thu.20.Oct: 24.23 IN BED AT LAST! It was an almost completely un-productive day. But now, as the rain is falling, it’s done. What did I “accomplish”? Gathering and bundling the old corn stalks before the rains came. What else? Nothing! Just nothing. Well, I suppose I helped Jacquie get her orders e-mailed. That’s something, I suppose. I know she’ll be happy when she gets the commission cheque. But for me, it feels like a completely nothing sort of day. I woke at about 8.30 after a night of horrid sleep. I woke to find a pillow on the floor so I know there was something not right. Had my coffee… a “pulling” and such. But through the day, nothing. I actually had to pull myself out to do the corn stalks! And it exhausted me! When Jacquie came out to pick blackberries (they’re still producing out there), I told her it’s time for the glue factory… “only a matter of days’. True, that. I’m at the end when a simply thing like gathering clipped corn stalks exhausts me. So, we came in, had a bit of lunch. Jacquie made aubergines Parmesan. DELICIOUS! HOT! FOOD! (For “dinner” I had Fage yoghurt with a bit of maple syrup and a “snack” of roll with butter… I’ve got no appetite… because of the tooth pain.) But it truly was delicious! Then we sent another order. Shes getting really great at this computer/spread sheet/PDF/attachments! I’m thrilled because I want to see her comfortable enough to be able to do it all with-out me. Then, at about 16.00, she left for work and well… that’s when my day wound down. I did mostly nothing except clean a bit of the wood-stove. Then? Watched the snews. Of course, got Ms. Hallie her dinner. At 20.00, I sent “report” and settled in to watch more TV. – I tried, this evening, to get the solar lites from next door but the fucking light behind the store is fucking ON! WTF is wrong with those people? So, tomorrow, if the cars aren’t at 5225 and the garbage barrels are still out, I’ll just go and get them. Jacquie could use them along the walk in the back for when she comes in after dark and them? Those shits? They’ll probably throw them out. So? Besides, they’re Jacquie’s jars! – Anyway… that’s pretty much it for the day. Tomorrow (later today actually), I’ll get to my laundry. – Meanwhile, the tooth-aches have been pretty good all day. Nothing to really bitch about. But now it’s time to try for sleep and I’m sure it’ll come on strong! But I’ve “pulled” again tonight. I don’t and can’t expect no pain. After all.. that’s what my existence is about. – Well… the stove is going to keep the dampness out (with the rain falling out-side and a severe drop in temperature due… and some “snow” on Sunday). The lights are out. Hallie’s on the sofa and that’s the end of this day. I’m tired…

Fri.21.Oct: 10.02 And… I woke at 8.30 or there-about, coffee, smoke and clear the kitchen table, stack and band the old mail, tidy the kitchen counter, get Hallie’s breakfast, re-start the wood-stove, “oil pulled” and such things as are “morning”. And only just now am I done, with as far as I’ll go for the time-being. – Slept? I don’t know. I think so. – Teeth? Well, they’re letting me know that all is not “very” well, but at least I can say that there’s no real “pain” this morning. My sinuses on the left side are uncomfortable this morning. But that could be because of the rain on the fallen leaves. “Leaf mold”? Who knows, really? – As for the “agenda” today, laundry is on the list and so too, the BOOK! HOPEFULLY I’ll get MUCH done on that over these 2 days of … dare I say, “calm”. We shall see. We shall try. – Other-wise, it’s another Autumnal day… ick. – Last night I got to the back gate of the garden, to get my solar lights but the fucking light in back of the store came back on! Fuck! I don’t want to be showered in light in front of the barn! But it seems, if there’s nobody there at 5225 today, I’ll just go over and get them. Fuck this town. The jars are Jacquie’s. The lights are mine. The work to make the lights is mine. Thus runs the logic… which has no place in this shit-hole state. Again… we shall see. – Well… it’s past 10.00 and time to “do” something. I suppose. And off we run. – I’m feeling like going back to sleep, to be honest. The depression of being here… 3 days to the 5th year! If I had a gun… – 23.33 And back in bed and late again. But SHOWERED! AND the laundry is in the dryer AND I got my solar lights back! AND… only dull tooth-discomfort after the 2nd “pulling” of the day. Although the discomfort is quite annoying and discomforting to me. – And so, the day went by too quickly again. But I DID make babaganoush! Creamy too! I wizzed it! Easy stuff to make and there’s quite a bit of it from 2 aubergines. I’m rather proud of it. Not spicy, but good. – Other than that? Nothing. – It rained most of the day. Not too cold but very foggy for most. The wood-stove is burning. The house is “comfortable enough”. And that’s about it. – I’m tired and hoping for a good night’s sleep.

Sat.22.Oct. 9.45 Another Saturday morning in Vermont… orange, red and golden leaves directly in my line of view, fog to the right, the North, and light rain all round. I’ve had coffee and smoke. The dog’s been fed. The fire’s been re-started and the little solar lights have been taken apart, their canning jars all washed nicely. I’m dressed, sitting at the kitchen table, in the relative silence, only the ticking of the clock to be heard. My teeth are only annoying me this morning, no “pain”, just “annoyance”. And did I mention: I’m in clean clothes again, at last? I am. Another Saturday morning in New England… and I don’t want to be here… Oh well… and Alas. Fukkit. Bonjour. – 18.53 Listening to Prairie Home on the lap-top as the rains continue falling in the dark. Another day and only a couple paragraphs done on the book. I can’t say that I’m pleased with my progress but I suppose it’s better than nothing. – I feel like I’m coming down with a cold or something tonight. Drippy nose, light-headed, stomach’s a bit woozy. And it feels like the runs are coming on. Hopefully I’m wrong. Hopefully it’s just fatigue. Hopefully… I’m such a turd. Hope. – Anyway, just in from a smoke and getting another bit of wood for the stove when, at the front door: knock knock knock and a flash-light shining in through the side window! POLICE! Ms. Hallie decided to take a stroll round to the front of the house and as the cop pulled to the curb, she went to the car! The cop came to check if she belonged here! Says he, timidly, he’s found dogs 3 miles from where they belonged and was just checking to see if she belonged here. Then he asked if it was OK if he parked in front of the house. Imagine? I wonder. I wonder if I should invite him in to warm up. I wonder if I shouldn’t. And even here, I wonder if he really is a cop. Gee… it seems quite dark out there tonight. I don’t know. Maybe I AM coming down with a cold or something. – Anyway, it’s good to listen to PHC. I wish I could do so on the radio but… we accept what we have. – So I finished the eggplant Parmesan tonight. I didn’t want to eat, didn’t have appetite. But I know I have to eat something and so I did. A bit of ice cream after. And now? A beer or a tea? Probably neither. I should work on the book some more but can’t. Not if I want to listen to PHC. The book takes too much memory… I have to laugh to myself. Takes too much “memory”, as in a computer. So? I take a break. In a bit, like after 20.00, I’ll be showering and finishing my laundry and heading for bed anyway. So… Maybe, if I get into bed early enough, I’ll be able to add a few more lines to the book before this week-end comes to a crashing close. Tomorrow, I’ll have to shift some more wood, from the garage to the kitchen stock and then from out back to the garage. – I WANT OUT OF HERE! – 20.58 AND….. * S * N * O * W * Wet, but still… * S * N O * W * !!! FUCK! I WANTED TO BE IN NEW YORK BEFORE THIS HAPPENED! AND THERE’S NO WARMING TREND IN THE FORECAST. HOW CHARMING. FUCK! – 24.03 In bed AT LAST AND SHOWERED ALL SPARKLY CLEAN! How wonderful! BUT…. just in from last smoke, the ground is COVERED IN * S * N * O W * -AND- somebody over on the Square Rd. has left their DOG OUT IN THIS COLD! The snow is STILL falling… almost 3 hours now, steadily, and the poor thing is barking and crying through the darkness. Well, it’s not so dark out there because of the snow, but still… at this hour of the night and the dog is OUT! I never know what to do in a case like this. Of course, I feel I should phone the police. But… in this town, in this state? I doubt anything positive would come of it. The best I can hope for is that the shits will let the dog in before long. Second best: death from hypothermia. (Actually, I wouldn’t so much mind going that way…. tonight would be fine.) – Last “pulling” of the night too. I figure if I journal whilst pulling it’ll pass the time. Unfortunately, I’m finding that it’s not so easy doing both at the same time here. But, anything is better than nothing and since it seems to be keeping the pain away…. – Well, as I say, I’m showered and in bed. The stove is burning and will hopefully keep the place warm enough through the night. No doubt there’ll be embers by morning. But at least there’ll be heat. There isn’t any other source in the house since Jacquie didn’t put the thermostat up. Good news is: it’s not cold in here… not even in the “little room”. AND… IF I’m tortured by having to remain here when the oil burner gets kicked-in, I’ll have to move my boxes because they’re in front of the heat. May that NOT happen. (Although, at this juncture now, it looks more like I’ll be heading to Hurricane instead of a little cabin. FUCK ME AGAIN!) – Time to wrap this day up. Floors and cleaning tomorrow, early. And then? There might be dinner up the road or here. In any event, I’m NOT looking forward to any of it, at all.

Sun.23.Oct: 2.07 its going to be next to impossible to wake up by not later than 7.00! – 2.19 I’ve been up reading the old journal from 5 years ago. Imagine: the snow only JUST stopped and now it’s turning to a very light rain. Nothing like it was 5 years ago. I could have arrived up here in snow, but didn’t. The days were rather warmish and the nights were just a bit chilly. The plow is passing for the second time in the past 15 minutes. And it’s really rather COLD out there! Just in from another smoke. I re-stoked the stove. There were mostly embers already. Well? Time to “nap” and that’s about all I can afford right now. There’s some work to be done before Jacquie gets back later. Let’s hope the couple of hours is enough. So much for a “good night’s sleep”. Fuck me. – Meanwhile, Jason Toyooka’s in a shit. Separating from the Mrs. and having to ditch SO much of his wood-works and tools. Kriste! My heart breaks. I know, too much and too well what that’s like. And here, there’s another room in this house…. across the continent. Life… it’s a FUCK! – PS: My fucking passport expires in a few weeks too and I’ve got no place to have one sent to… never mind, I don’t have the money for a new one. Fuck me again. Eh? – 10.21
WHAT A FUCKING MISERABLE MORNING!!!!! TRULY, A FUCKING MISERABLE MORNING!!!!!
BOTH FEET ARE “OUT”!!! BOTH!!! IT’S AS IF I’VE NO SENSATION OTHER THAN THEIR WEIGHT. THE ANKLES HAVE NO STRENGTH WHEN I’M WEARING BOOTS, WHICH I NEED TO WEAR BECAUSE OF THE SLUSHY SNOW ALL OVER THE GROUND. AND MY CALVES FEEL LIKE LOW-GRADE SPASM AFTER HAVING HAULED 2 FELLED LIBMS FROM THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE TO THE BACK. THERE’S A THRID LIMB OB THE FRONT LAWN THAT I SIMPLY *CANNOT* PULL. IT’LL HAVE TO BE CUT DOWN TO SOME SIZE. BUT EVEN AS RECENTLY AS LAST WINTER, I COULD HAVE PULLED THAT WITH-OUT TROUBLE!!! – I SLEPT THROUGH THREE FUCKING ALARMS… DIDN’T HEAR A DAMNED THING FOR ALL THREE. 6.00, 7.00 AND 7.30!!! NOTHING! DEAF! WOKE AT ABOUT 8.00 AND GOT RIGHT DIRECTLY TO COFFEE, HALLIE OUT, HAULED WOOD FOR THE STOVE FROM THE GARAGE TO THE KITCHEN, HOVER THE FLOORS AND WASH THE KITCHEN FLOOR, THEN SHOVEL THE SNOW ON THE BACK WALK, WENT TO THE FRONT TO HAUL THE LIMBS. STARTED AND RAN THE SUBARU FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND… FUCKING DEPRESSION!!!!! I’M WASTED!!! MY ANKLES AND LEGS ARE SHOT!!! IT’S ALL I HAVE TO DO TO STAND!!! I’M EXHAUSTED. OUT OF BREATH. FALLING THE ACTUAL FUCK APART!!! BECOMING TOTALLY USELESS! THIS IS *NOT* HOW LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!! I’M FEARFUL THAT IT’LL COME TO A MOMENT WHEN EVEN GETTING UP AND OUT OF BED WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE. AND I THINK, THIS MORNING: THE JUDGEMENT OF THE LIKES OF ANTHONY MACK… WHO HAS LIVED OFF TWO INHERITANCES, FROM *MY* MOTHER AND *MY* FATHER. FROM MUM, HE GARNERED WELL FROM WHAT WAS LEFT TO CINDY. FROM FATHER, WELL, I WAS WRITTEN-OFF SO MANY YEARS AGO SO THAT LEFT MORE FOR THE OTHER THREE. AGAIN… AS IN THE BEGINNING, SO TOO, AT THE END… I GET NOTHING… WHERE OTHERS GET SOMETHING TO BUILD ON, I’VE GOTTEN NOTHING! AND YET, THERE THEY SIT, COZY AND PROUD, AND JUDGING ME DARKLY! FUCK THEM! FUCK THEM ALL! AND THIS MORNING, I’M FALLING APART, DREADING THE MOMENT WHEN MY LEGS, OF ALL THINGS, WILL SIMPLY CEASE, LEAVING ME COMPLETELY DEPENDENT… TO SIT IN ONE PLACE, WAITING, ALL TOO SIMPLY, TO DIE. I CANNOT AND WILL NOT CONTINUE THIS WAY. AND, OF COURSE, INSTEAD OF ALL OF THIS COMING WITH A CRASH IN THE BETTER, MORE COMFORTABLE WEATHER, WHERE I COULD SIMPLY DRIVE OFF INTO THE NETHER, LAY DOWN QUIETLY AND “GO”? OH FUCK NO! IT HAS TO HAPPEN IN TH SEASON WHERE AND WHEN I’LL LAY ON THE COLD EARTH! AS WAS MY CONCEPTION AND LIFE, SO TOO WILL BE MY DEATH: SUFFERING. DEPRESSION IS TAKING A COLD, HARD, CHOKING GRIP! I’M AT THE END… FUCK IT! FUCK IT ALL!
And poor Ms. Hallie. She’s so thrilled with the snow and wants, so much to play. But my legs won’t hold me up! Even SHE suffers because of this shit. What or who next? Tired. Sick and tired and fed-the-actual-fuck-up with this bull-shit! My parents get a fuck-fest, pop me out into the world and then? SLAM! Gone. Shit! – I’m tired now. -21.33 From a cold bed in a cold room. So? Nothing “new”. COLD! And a bit hungry. But I got all but one felled limb dragged to the back yard and as I was cutting them down to stove lengths, Ms. Jacquie rolled in. It as almost 17.00. Just rolling along with-out a care or concern in the world. She’d attended some little “get together” for a dinner or something. How charming. But, her work got done. She’s oblivious as to how much snow we got last night and the damage it did to the trees. Limbs came down. Trees came down. There was, I hear, about 5 inches of the wet, slushy, heavy shit. But… ’tis nice to be so oblivious, I suppose. – Anyway, “dinner” was baba ganoush on crackers. I’ve just had a hefty bowl of breakfast cereal because I know what tomorrow would be if I didn’t eat something. And, I’ve pulled and had last smoke. The one thing I’m grateful for is early to bed. Even if it is in the cold. – I did some research today about my feet. “Drop foot”. It can’t be “cured” because it’s not a cause, it’s an effect. It appears that the disk in the L5/S1 vertebra is either ruptured or ruined and the vertebrae are crushing the nerves. Surgery is the only “cure” and I’m NOT going for any of THAT shit! So, I’m stuck this way. All the more reason to “GO”… SOON! There are braces that will help, but I can’t afford those. I’ll never run again nor walk any quicker than I do at present. I’ve run DOWN! DONE! – Let’s add to that shit, tomorrow. 5 fucking years in this shit-hole. The depression is hanging on me heavily. VERY HEAVILY!!! – But the floors got done this morning. The kitchen was neat and clean. My laundry got done (for all the good that does with all the work I did today and got clothes soiled and me, sweaty, fuck me). So I suppose I should be satisfied. I’m not. I won’t be. But that’s all there is to it all. – Soc.med. and try to sleep this night away. How I pray I don’t wake in the morning.

Mon/24/Oct: BLACK MONDAY 5 FUCKING YEARS! – 7.02 I heard the 6.00 alarm and dozed for a while. I’ve taken my vit.C, gone to the loo, had my coffee and a naproxyn, there’s a fire in the stove and I’ve had my morning smoke in the morning breeze, under a grey sky. And have returned to the bed. Through the wall I can hear something happening in the kitchen. Jacquie wasn’t awake as I attended my morning routine. My jaw is painful this morning. Gnashing through the night? Perhaps. And in my head I hear the tune and the lyrics “’cause baby now you’re in NY, NY, NY.” and I’m not. 5 fucking years ago. – I take my sadness and grind it, mashing it down between my teeth, gnashing and mulching it, swallowing it down and into my gut where acids grind it, burn it and churn it until it becomes anger, mixed with bitterness. I focus on the cause, the root, the kernel from whence came the sorrow until it turns to madness, and eventually it becomes “me”. Anger causes no tears. Sadness and remourse cause pain. This anger causes none of that. It festers like an open wound, a pustule, and infection, septic and burning, burning, burning. No tears. No crying, weeping, sobbing. Just bitterness. And it becomes… me. – I re-started the fire this morning from the embers of last night’s fire. And I hear, through the wall, that this morning’s fire isn’t quite good enough. Something had to be added, or adjusted or something. Clanking of the wood-stove. Imagine? Not good enough. I left the little lampe lit, beside the stove, indicating that the stove had been stoked. I saw, as I passed the kitchen door, on the back porch, that the fire had started, only just. It was burning. It was fine. But not good enough. Something had to be changed. “You make the rest of us look bad.” 5 fucking years of that shit. 5 fucking years of this shit. “You make the rest of us look bad.” No. No I don’t make YOU LOOK bad. I merely make it that much more obvious… you ARE inferior, ungrateful. There’s a reason why this state is number one in welfare, disability. “Disability”? No. Not really. They’re not “dis”abled. They simply don’t want to bother. 5 fucking years. They whine because there’s no employment. Why? Well, because anybody who actually creates employment moves the venture out of the state, because nobody IN the state wants to be employed. Better to sit back and believe in entitlements. And they’re not entitled. They’re not disabled… they’re un-willing. And yet, they claim “It’s a tougher life here.” If that’s so, it’s because a “tougher life” was created by those who damned-well, out-right refuse to better their lot, and ride on the backs of those with any ambition at all. 5 fucking years. False accusations. Hoping for litigation. Creating conflicts where none belong or are appropriate. 5 fucking years. My back is ruined. My legs and feet are ruined, because I worked… hard and alone, trying to “belong”, to help, to toil, alone. “You make the rest of us look bad.” No. No I don’t make you LOOK bad. I merely bring to attention the fact that you ARE inferior, lazy, slovenly, a waste. 5 fucking years. – This morning, in the book, I work on this day, 5 fucking years ago. I was well on my way, alone, this morning, in NYC, on the subway, going to Zucotti park. It was over-cast this morning then too. It was wet, the park was almost empty. The people who were there were getting their breakfasts and others had left to go to work. I brought blankets for them. By this hour, 5 years ago, I was on my way to storage… and ALL of that is gone now… 5 years later. I asked for help… HELP… fuck me! I asked for help. And this morning, 5 years later, there’s nothing. I’d asked for help. HOW DARE I? Really! Fuck me… 5 fucking years later… just FUCK ME! – The day has begun. I hear foot-steps about the house. It’s 7.26 and here I am, reclined in a bed in a room in a house, in a village, in a town, in a county, in a state that’s not my own…. 5 fucking years later. Fuck me. I’d asked for help. Fuck me! How fucking stupid! 5 fucking years later. – 5°. High of 8°. mostly cloudy. 5 fucking years later. – 22.56 Back in bed, seriously over-dosed on naproxyn, but my teeth are ALIGNED! And I can, again, bite properly! Ah… BUT… yes, there IS a “BUT”. So… today, after a miserable start, at about 11.00 I headed out to the back yard to clip, snip, lop and saw all the felled branches, down to size for the stove (which won’t do anybody any good until next year because the wood is still green). I even got the heavier and heaviest limbs cut down! And there’s all sorts of kindling out there now too! I was still at it at 14.00 when Jacquie called to come in for something to eat, but I deflected that with “Why should I care about that?” to which she replied “Because I do.” “I’m almost finished.” and she left it at that and I did finish. Cut and stacked the wood and put the clippings into the “compost”. It was delightful until…. I noticed a limb snapped on one of the pines out by the barn and, of course, feeling well enough, I HAD to get THAT down too. So, as Jacquie harvested the end of the beets and squash, I sawed that rather hefty limb down and cut it to size… and that’s when the BUT comes in. Trying to strike the limb against the ground (because sawing green pine isn’t easy, especially after all the rain we’ve had)… ZING!BAM!SNAP! MY BACK! AFTER ALL THESE DAYS OF BEING PAIN-FREE! This time it feels more like a muscle in the right side, but still, it was PAINFUL! Well, of course. My teeth have been fine, there’s NO WAY I’m going to be pain-free! And it wasn’t debilitating, but it was PAINful. OK. No prob. I came into the house, took 2 naproxyn and swore I’m not going to make it to Thanksgiving at this rate. (I doubt I will anyway, but…) And then, I went back out to get garden stakes to saw them to make the 3 brackets I want for the solar lights along the back walk. They turned-out rather nicely, even to the mitre cuts. Not too bad, considering my pain and the fact that the sawing was done by hand-saw. AND… GOOD NEWS… I found screws long enough to put them together! – Ms. Kerry came for a beer and a bit of dinner and as all was being prepped, I got into a jar of screws and other such crap in the cup-board in the kitchen and found the screws I need! Tomorrow I’ll assemble! YAY! NOW, all I need do is get the batteries for the lights and all is done! I WANT to get the lighting along the walk for Jacquie before I leave here! – So dinner was eggplant Parmesan, garlic bread and a little bit of salad with apple crisp and ice cream for dessert. I was all but starving by then because I hadn’t eaten all day. It sufficed. (I’m still hungry but not too bad.) Kerry ate and ran, of course. We’re expected to go to her new place on Wednesday. I’ll get out of that some-how. I’d like to go to Québec and Jacquie wants to go to Metro, but I don’t want to be in Kerry’s home. I can’t stand her anyway, and being in HER home just makes me ill. – And so, Kerry left and Jacquie and I sat to watch the snews for a while. I took Hallie out for 2 strolls and it might be me, it might be anything, but it appears that what-ever I’ve done to my back, my right foot is a bit stronger. Who knows? Maybe I crunched something back to where it should be. I’ll know better tomorrow. Meanwhile, I’d taken the TWO naproxyns at about 17.00 and just took TWO more before pulling. We shall see how this works out. – Closing statement: FUCK ME! 5 FUCKING YEARS TODAY! FIVE! FIVE YEARS OF BULL-SHIT! 5 FUCKING YEARS OF BULL-SHIT! And tonight, in my gut, I feel that the Edgemont and return to NY that way is a dead issue. Next warm snap… I’m out. Teeth. Back. Legs. Feet. Arms. Hands. The cold. Everything in general. Time to pack it together. As I’ve been saying of late: To the glue factory. Enough is enough… this has gone WAY beyond the point of too much. But Jacquie thanked me for cleaning the limbs. That’s nice. – Soc.med. and try for sleep. It’s been a terribly long and tedious day. FIVE FUCKING YEARS OF THIS SHIT!

Tue.25.Oct: 8.32 Pee. Coffee. Smoke. Cold winds. Over-cast skies. Morning. Jacquie’s having breakfast. I’ve had my morning naproxyn. And it’s 5 fucking years and 1 fucking day. Into the 6th year. My back is sore. Not horrid, but sore. And at some point, we’re off to BTV to Costco. How wonderful. I have no choice. And I’m feeling just the slightest bit “trapped” in this shit-hole. But as I thought just now: no more than I was in the Shelter. There is a way to get out. And so I shall. How? Not sure. But I shall ESCAPE from this Hell. No choice. – Let’s see how the rest of this misery passes today. Always something… always misery… Hey! Today is what-ever I want it to be. Eh? Fuck. – 21.55 DAY OVER! And there isn’t much to be said for it other than Jacquie and I went to Costco and did 150$ in food leaving me with 48 until… if ever. But it was worth the trip because we also got a large container of coconut oil (which I’m “pulling” even as I type here and pulling all sorts of thing from me teeth!) and much meat products. En route, we stopped at Ace and I got 4 batteries for the solar lights (at about 10-plus$) so I was happy about that. AND, when we got back to the house, I found an old tooth-brush and cleaned the corrosion out of the one, put the batteries in all 3 lights and BINGO! We just noticed that they’re working well! Tomorrow, I’ll assemble the little poles and put it all together. (Jacquie will be going to Kerry’s, I will not be going. I told her today I don’t feel comfortable being in “her house”… and I showed her the wonderful text messages that Lyle had sent me. I think she understands better now… at least, I hope she does… probably not but…) – Anyway, Jacquie seems pleased about the idea of having the lights along the back walk. Oh well… at least I’ve tried. – AND… Jacquie kicked-up the furnace today! This “little room” is actually VERY comfy! WHAT a difference from the 3 years of freezing half to death! WOW! – So tomorrow will be yard-cleaning and in the evening, or so, pumpkin-carving. Then a bit of decorating for Monday’s onslaught. Jacquie will be home for Halloween this year so she’ll get to give candy to the kids. Hopefully it will make her happy. Me? No matter what… I don’t want to be here, didn’t want to be here for this and, well… I’ll not think about “Thanksgiving” because I will NOT be too very thankful for anything… except Jacquie’s kindnesses. – On that, the pulling is done. There’s flecks of almond skins still floating about in my mouth but at least nothing in the teeth. It’s time for a run though the soc.med. and… try and hope for sleep.

Wed.26.Oct: 7.33 it would be nice if somebody would tell me why I’m awake at this hour and have had my coffee and smoke. I would be nice if I knew why the fuck I’m breathing again, this morning. But here it all is. And have chatted with Jacquie about languages and such already. Oh well… at least there are things on a “To Do” list for the day: haul wood from out-side to the garage and kitchen, clean the wood-stove, make and install the brackets for the solar lights, clean the front yard and walk, carve pumpkins… general bull-shit to distract from the under-lying depression of doing this shit in this shit-hole state. Alas. And hopefully there won’t be any bull-shit about going to “chez la nouvelle Québécoise, là”. Although I anticipate a great argument over that at some point in the day. Well… we’ll approach that when it presents. Meanwhile… Another fucking day, over-cast… Autumnal. – 21.18 TRULY, REALLY, HONESTLY EXHAUSTED TONIGHT! Mentally, emotionally and physically. The “day” began at about 10.00 or so this morning with raking the leaves on the front of the house. 4 hay-carts packed. The first was from the side-walk, and went to the “compost”. The others were from the lawn, from drive to south side-walk, and went into the garden. And all the while, I had to listen to coaxing to go to Kerry’s. Honestly. Well, Jacquie got told, once and for all, slowly, that I will NOT go to her house. I mean, really. I was put in a position where I started walking from Fairfield when we went to her Lola’s. I will NOT be in a position like THAT in Venise! TABARNAK! She FINALLY got it… for the moment. I doubt she’ll remember. But… I didn’t get done with the leaves until almost 14.00 and then moved 16 pumpkins from the table to the front porch. It was about 15.30 or so when that was done and it was then to the garden to tie the corn stalks. 8 bundles of those. 3 bundles went to the front of the house… un-noticed, of course, As I was tying the remaining 5, at about 16.00 is when Jacquie finally took off to Venise. She tried to coax me with an offer of stopping in Bedford, to go to Metro and to get me “Canadian cigarettes”. When she realised I wasn’t going with, she offered to stop at the Magazin Général in St-Armand. I told her that they only had Players and that it was as good as buying Camels. “I’m not going to the Franklin store.” she spouted. Hey! I didn’t ASK you to. (As a mater of fact, I’d only just gone there moments before for a pack of smokes. Jada asked about 5225. The only thing I’d noticed was there’s no dog food in the “dining room” window. Later this evening I realised that the garbage barrels are gone from the front now. I don’t know when or by whom and I don’t give a shit.) ANYWAY…. Jacquie left and I was still able to move about, though with a bit of pain in the back so… I started to make the “hooks” or what-evers for the solar light… Started? HELL! With the power drill, I managed to drill the holes for the screws so that I could get all the pieces together AND I managed to put the stakes in, with holes drilled for hanging wires for the lights. THEY’RE UP! Not exactly as I’d hoped they’d look BUT, I MUST say, they’re “rustic” and since Hallie and I just came in from last smoke, I know they cast a bit if light to the point where the walk and steps can be seen at the very least. (Too bad they weren’t there when I was leaving here in darkness when I was coming to take care of Hallie last Summer. Oh well…) And so, got the stakes in, the lights hung and still had enough energy to haul in the rest of the one cord out back. Earlier, I’d brought wood into the kitchen. The remainder is on the back porch where it won’t get wet. – I was completely done (for now) by about 17.00 and cleaned the kitchen. Jacquie had cooked a paté chinois for Kerry, did most of her dishes (into the dishwasher, I’ve no doubt), but left a filthy sink and a greasy skillet. I cleaned that, cleaned the stove, fried 4 eggs and made 2 cheese sandwiches on rolls for “dinner”. Had a dish of ice cream after. Washed and put up the dishes. All was DONE! The only 2 items left on my “list”: finish raking the South yard and carving the fucking pumpkins. I sat with Hallie to watch a bit of TV, thinking Jacquie wouldn’t get back until about 21.00… she rolled in at about 19.30. – Wow though… she “reported”, rather negatively, that Kerry’s house is “small”. It was insulting, the way she said so. So I made a point of making my opinion known: She’s not much of a house-keeper, she’s alone there, so she doesn’t need a large house. And of course, Jacquie took (due) offence when she said “I’m not much of a house-keeper.” I told her that I’ve come to believe that I’m the ONLY house-keeper in the entire state. True that. I’ve yet to be in anybody’s house where it’s clean enough to be comfortable. Even this house… but I don’t give a shit anymore here. – Oh well… It’s 21.37. I took Hallie out. Jacquie had fallen asleep in the recliner so I didn’t bother her. I truly DO NEED a shower, but I’m not going to bother tonight. I don’t give a shit about that either at this juncture. – OH! BY THE WAY! I GOT A LARGE CONTAINER OF COCONUT OIL WHEN WE WENT TO COSTCO YESTERDAY… SO THAT I’D HAVE ENOUGH FOR MY PULLING… SHE OPENED THE CONTAINER, USED IT MAKING THE PATÉ CHINOIS!!! *AND* SHE PUT IT UP INTO THE CUP-BOARD AND DIDN’T BOTHER TO CLOSE THE FUCKING LID! 12$ FUCKED! I CERRAINLY WON’T USE IT! THERE’S ALMOST A WHOLE JAR IN THE FRIDGE, BUT IT’S “REFINED”… I’D SHOWED IT TO HER THINKING SHE’D USE THAT FOR HER COOKING IF ANYTHING. FUCK ME! JUST FUCK ME HARD! It’s quite amazing how completely stupid people truly are, and inconsiderate and self-serving. There we have the close of this day. – Hopefully Vincent will call about coming up before mid-November. If all goes well and his offer stands, if he say “Come when you can.” I’ll just leave. Other-wise? HURRICANE… NO MATTER WHAT THE WEATHER. END OF THE ROPE… END OF THE LINE. FUCK IT FUCK IT ALL!!!!!- 22.02 Let’s wrap this night up with…. NOT FUCKING INTERNET! I CAN CONNECT BUT THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE “DNS” AND “REMOTE ACCESS”. I WONDER IF THEY HAVEN’T CUT ME OFF BECAUSE OF POLITICS OR… MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T ACKNOWLEDGE LINDA BARNUM/HARTMAN? FUCK THIS SHIT! – 22.16 I got to my e-mails on the phone. Interesting. I must have fucked something on the lap-top by shutting shit down on Task Manager as it bounced about. Trying a re-boot. – 22.41 Fucking computer re-set to use a proxy server! FUCK! Same shit happened before! WTF? Well… hopefully it’s fixed… permanently. Meanwhile… it’s awfully warm in this room tonight. I wonder….

Thu.27.Oct: 8.43 Another day commences. Over-cast. Chilled. I’m adjusting to the Autumnal cold. And I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. Gee, I wonder why. But tomorrow is a “no dead-line” day. So I won’t whine this morning. And tonight can (“can”) be a normal to-bed night. – Jacquie’s on the living-room floor, buy the front window, sorting through her Jesus stuff. And the house is quiet. Very nice. MY agenda: jack-o-lanterns and leaves. How Autumnal can it get? But, it’s not 9.00 yet. No thinking about that. – Weather check. News check. And on with the day… I suppose. I’m breathing. There’s work to be done. Let’s not be perceived as useless. –
21.42 AND THE TWATS ARE AT EACH-OTHER AGAIN TONIGHT!RUMBLING ON THE CEILING IN THE “WHITE ROOM”! SCREAMING! BANGING! MORE SHIT FROM UP-STAIRS. I’LL SAY NOTHING ON THE MATTEROTHER THAN A “MENTION” WHEN I SEND “MEMO” TO Ms. J. IT MAKES NO SENSE AND EFFECTS NO CHANGE. AND SHE’LL ONLY MAKE EXCUSES. AND TO THINK: I SHOULD (COULD?) HAVE BEEN IN A ONE-STOREY LITTLE CABIN IN NY, HAD I NOT “DONE MY PART” AND FELT THE NEED TO “HELP” HERE. FUCK ME AGAIN. –
Meanwhile, in bed, SHOWERED! And the clothes are in the washer. I put some kind of eucalyptus oil in the bed-side lamp and it’s delightful. The stove is stoked. – Today’s “accomplishment”? 3 punkinz carved. The last one, the one I like most, came out shitty. The top won’t stay on. But they’re done. The house will be “decorated” on Monday. Fuck. Fine. Other than that, of note is my lack of appetite. Although late, round about 19.00, I had 4 franks with baba ganoush and a serving of paté chinois which apparently, nobody touched yesterday at Kerry’s. So Jacquie did that cooking, brought it up and … for nothing. Oh well. Not my monkeys. – Pulling as I type now…
21.47 AND THE RUMBLING UP-STAIRS CONTINUES. MUST TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT.
I hope the car will run properly. Next opportunity… I’m off to NY… one way or the other. – Time to get the photos of the punkinz ready to be sent off and a little text message as well and then? Hopefully, some sleep when I get the clothes into the dryer. – 24.29 Just checked. I’m STILL BRILLIANT:
10:11 PM (2 hours ago)
Thank you what great pumpkins! I hope that the noice upstairs doesn’t last to much longer so Ms Hallie can get some good sleep & you also. As for me it’s off to nigh night.

Fri.28.Oct: 8.40 Was up just before the 6.00 alarm but stayed under-covers. Heard it, turned it off, stayed under-covers through the 7.00 and just past the 8.00 alarm. I’m vitamined, coffee’d, smoked and Hallie’s had breakfast. There’s a new fire starting in the stove. There’s a drizzle in the out-of-doors and I’m wondering what it is that I should be doing and that I’m not doing. The floors will get done in short order and then? Then… Yes, another day has begun. Oh, jolly fuck me. Another heavy day. Why heavy? Because I’m breathing. I fucking hate that. – 22.57 Another day gone and done. Another couple of paragraphs done on the book (gone through the security check at the airport). Very soon now, we’ll come to the arrival and the 5 years will begin. I’m still not certain how to handle those but I think I’ll do a “Franny and Zoey” style: by person. We shall see how that turns. – Eating? Not much. 3 blocks of rice noodles, cooked and fried in butter, finished the ice cream (will have to replace on Sunday). No appetite to speak of. Kept the fire going in the stove after much work to re-light it this morning. – At about 21.00 the shit up-stairs hit for about 45 minutes. Honestly, I don’t know how much more of this I’ll be able to take. Honestly, I don’t know why I don’t just pack the car and get the fuck out of here and head to the Hurricane. But it’s been raining, all fucking day and I do NOT deserve to have to be uncomfortable as I “leave”. – One solar light acted up this evening. Wouldn’t light. I don’t know why. Must be something with a connection because it’s working fine in the kitchen. Will work on that tomorrow. Also need to do my nails and hair again. Oh well… “ME” time tomorrow. – Other than that: little Ms. Hallie… always checking to make certain she’s not alone in the house. Poor little girl. She doesn’t like being alone. Must to have to gotta love her. – Now, fresh out of a shower, time for a quick soc.med. and to try for some sleep and wake ON TIME tomorrow! – I’m fed-up with living.

Sat.29.Oct: 7.13 Rain. Crackling fire re-started in the stove. Coffee. Smoke. Done. And another day commences. The house is calm and quiet… thus far. Agenda? Book. And I look forward on this day with dread. How charming. There’s just something about waking here, in this town, in this state, that brings dread each morning. It’s horrid. And November rushing in. Dread. Well, we’ll face the day, do what we do, and then, at day’s end, go back to sleep, hoping not to see another. Shabbat shalom.- 9.15 Up. At table. Rain. Dreary. And the day is in full-swing. BFD. I’m tired, already, again. How charming. – 19.27 BOOM BOOM BOOM FROM UP-STAIRS AGAIN TONIGHT. WHY? WHY DO THOSE TWATS FEEL IT NECESSARY TO POUND ON THEIR FLOORS AND WHY MUST I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT? – I got a few more pages done on the book though. Not as many as I’d like to have gotten done, but for some reason, I’m always exhausted, tired, fatigued and work goes slowly. But it got done. – I’ve missed PHC tonight. Too busy dozing on the recliner. I wanted to trim beard and hair today. Didn’t. And here, the night is on and the day is almost done. Time to send a note to Jacquie and get ready to try for some sleep. Fucked. Just misery. And I’m worried now that the NY deal is gone. Hurricane. That’s all that’s left. Fukkit all. – Oh well… – And BOOM BOOM BOOM AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. FUCK! – 23.32 and another day wraps entirely too late. I’m in the bed. The wash is in the dryer. I’ve shaved and showered and pulled. Ms. Hallie is in Jacquie’s room. The house has finally gone quiet after an evening of running, jumping and hammering. The stove is stoked to capacity. Tomorrow, the floors must be done. And I’m exhausted, as usual. A bit of pain in the left hand tonight. Maybe from all the typing today. I don’t know. It’s “pain”. I MUST have SOME pain at all times, so it seems. – Now that the only thing on chapter one of the book is the landing at BTV, I’m wondering where to go and how to get there with the rest. Focus on “good”? Focus on good and bad? Focus on people? Events? I don’t really know. And since it’s the “time in New England” and that’s still running, how to finish it? Hopefully it’ll run a course and turn out for the better. (I wonder if Dorothy ever bothered to read the copy I sent to her. I doubt it. But it’s not important any longer.) – The rains seem to have ended for a while. There’s a very heavy fog out there tonight but the temperatures aren’t so cold. – I’m almost dreading the coming days, wondering what kind of “stuff” will be discussed in the house when Jacquie comes back. But this week is “staff meeting” on Wednesday, so… – And a note for present: 23.38 somebody’s out there with their car stereo turned up and the bass set high. There’s never too much time in this shit-hole that’s quiet. I wonder, all of the time now, when “the” evening will arrive and I can just up and “leave”. I’m not even thinking about Edgemont at this point… just a mountain, tree, and… It’s time. It’s well WAY past that already. I’m falling apart rapidly. Things are so wrong with my body. My passport expires in mid-month coming. The Subaru is a mess and I’m not even sure it will make the trip to the mountain. There’s nothing to look forward to except more of the same and worse. Nothing “better”. It’s time to check out and go away. It’s just a matter of comfort at this point. As always, I do NOT deserve to go in any discomfort. I remember, too well, that March night on “the ridge” and the bitter cold that went through my body. I won’t do that again. I won’t suffer any more. I will NOT! – And so, on that note, with too much time left on the dryer, a run through on the soc.med. and hopefully a restful and rejuvenating sleep (it is to laugh… sickeningly so). –

Sun.30.Oct:

8.39 DREAM
I was residing in some little room, in a large house (or hotel?). Cramped, dark, I needed to have a light on all the time, that’s how small the room was. Silas and some other young guy “owned” the house (or were covering the rent on my little room). I’d been on the computer and had down-loaded some soft-ware when suddenly, some video began to play. At first, I was intrigued by the video and then realisied that I hadn’t down-loaded it and that it had taken-up the entire screen. “Malware” of sorts! I’d ruined the lap-top! So I un-plugged it and turned it off, got up from my room to head over to Silas’s place across the hall. He and his friend were all celebratory. It was a holiday. Something “R”, like Rosh Hashannah and Christmas combined. It was a holiday where people were supposed to get together with friends and family and such. As I thought of it, I had a sudden pang of knowing that I was alone and that I’d be alone for this holiday. It truly hurt me for a moment. And then I remembered that I’d been alone for so many others and that it was stupid of me to be bothered about it now and I just kept moving along to get my work done. They were laughing and running about the place, in their room, through the halls. The whole place looked as if there’d been a part all through-out the place. Papers, clothes and bits of decorations were scattered all about. Lights on all over. They were laughing and getting ready to leave to go to another party else-where. I was expected to clean the mess, it was my responsibility to do that. So I got up, left my room and headed over to their room to get the place cleaned-up. As I crossed the hall, they were running, laughing, shouting, running about like little brats. I had to take a shit and that meant I had to use the facilities in their room. I went in, the place was a total mess! Clothes and curtains, bed-lines and such scattered all over! On chairs, tables, the floor. The “toilet” was a rocking chair with a potty-bucket. I started to use it and wondered if the “pot” was under me. I stood up to find it there, but used and not cleaned out from the previous user. But I got to use it and then had to wash it out, dumping the contents into a utility sink. As I did so, I passed the washing machine. The lid was open, it was full of soapy water. Some sheet or curtain was half in, hanging out over the front. Apparently the machine had broken or stopped when they were using it and they didn’t bother to fix it. Just started putting things in and left it… for me to clean up, as was usual. I could hear them in the hall, laughing and carrying on as I emptied the “potty” into the utility sink. I was pissed-off and fed-up with the entire situation and decided, just then, that I wouldn’t clean up this mess, nor any future messes since it was being taken for granted that I would “take care” of them. I thought of Silas’s mother, Robin, who’d snapped at me at some time previous, telling me… TELLING me that it was MY responsibility to attend to her son and to make certain that HIS place was always in good order. No, not this time. I put the “potty” pot into the utility sink and walked out of that room, into the hall and headed back to my own little “closet” room… and woke up.
And this is how this morning begins. And now it’s 9.00 exactly, I’ve had my coffee and smoke, Hallie’s had her breakfast, and I’m feeling “heavy” from sleep. I woke at about 8.15 or so, still very tired and run-down from the dream. The stove is re-stoked. I need to shit, dress and get busy with this morning. I’ve no idea what I will do, have to do, should do, and my brain won’t start. Welcome… another day, over-cast, and the beginning of another week. Let’s let the shit begin to roll. I wish I were either alone or simply… dead. – 9.49 The kitchen floor is swept and I do believe that’s all I’m going to do in the way of “cleaning” today. I just don’t have the will nor the energy. My mind is too full of bull-shit… 5 years of bull-shit. These past 5 years keep rolling about in my head. It’s not really ‘fair” to anybody else because (a) they’re not aware of my mental miasma, (b) they’ve no way to actually know what exactly in the fuck it all means and (c) they wouldn’t give a fucking shit even if they DID know. It’ll only be perceived as a “nasty mood” or a “miserable attitude”. Fukkemall. I’m “taking” a day. And let’s see how long it takes for Ms. Jacquie to return to HER responsibility of house and Hallie this morning. Not, mind you, that I’m in any particular rush to have it all commence. But, it’s always been “interesting” to know of her galavants instead of returning to the “responsibilities”. I NEED SO MUCH TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS BULL-SHIT! – 23.14 Notes only on the day because I’m frankly all but “expired”:
Well… Jacquie rolled-in round about 13.00, came in, went to the post office, brought in more mail and sorted through… tossed some into the stove and announced “Want to go for a ride?” She wanted to go visit her relatives up on le Pinacle. I don’t know why, but I agreed to go and so, by about 14.00 we were on the road… off to the Frelighsburg crossing to visit with her Héléne and Roland up there. How strange to think that that’s the only stamp on my passport and the memories there. It’s been quite the while since I’d crossed at that point. And it’s also the place where, some 3 years ago, trying to get to Richford, in the rented Chevy, I’d made the wrong turn and gotten interrogated. I’ve got a “past” there. (And I’d like, very much, to get away from that past.. there.) But it all went quickly and easily and done and we were on the way into town. Funny, but when we pulled up to the kiosk, she commented on the attractive fellow… dounaier, as it were. I’d never heard her make such a comment before. And the fact was, he was, indeed. OK… on-ward and into town. We stopped at the market, “Traditions”. I’d never been in that store. Rather nice, a and larger than I’d expected. Once upon a time, one of her relatives had run the place… a long while ago. That area is full of her past and her family. Gee… 3 years ago, it was where I’d walked to and such… from Fuklin. So, we got beer for her, a 4-pack of 50’s for me, peanut butter, “Liberté” yoghurt (although she’d already bought Fage for me previously), a box of “Life’” cereal, a paté and some other items. She’d offered to get 2 packs of smokes for me too, but they didn’t have Belvedere (of course) and so I managed to dodge that expense. Off we went, up the chemin Richford… that road I’d biked up, quite some time ago. Again, how strange to know where I was and to think that she’d been along there and that I’d passed so much of her family’s property. – Well… the visit with her folks really was AMAZING! Their place is an old school-house, wonderful architecture. Roland does magnificent wood-workings, even to making cars and trucks and such from all sorts of woods. I was intrigued and we got into all sorts of chats about it. He’d come to Canada c.1951, from Prussia and so, we hit it off with the German commonality and had much to chat about as Héléne and Jacquie looked through photos and such. At one point, Héléne wanted to show me their “spa” in the back of the house and as I stepped out the door onto the back porch… onto the wet leaves… BAM! THUMP! DOWN I WENT! I slipped on the wet leaves! Not too bad. Worst of it was that I soiled the twice–washed jeans I was wearing on the wet leaves. But, happily, no “damage” to back or such. And honestly, that’s quite the miracle! – We stayed until about 18.30 (and it was already DARK by that hour) and headed into Sutton, to find a place to eat. EVERYTHING was CLOSED by the time we arrived. And we (I) drove up and down Principale, slowly, checking. At a place called “la Fontaine”, I tried backing the truck, to turn round and I DO believe I bumped into somebody’s car. The fellow came out of no-where as Jacquie rolled the window down to ask if we were where we could park for la Fontaine. He asked her if I’d bumped into his car… I made as if I didn’t hear but she mentioned it to me. Apparently, I did, but didn’t do any damage. Thankfully. Anyway, the place was closed and so…. Jacquie decided we’d go to Richford… to… THE CROSSING!Let’s talk about “painful”. It was dark when we arrived and WORSE… MAYHEW’S IS NOW EMPTY… GONE… CLOSED!!! THE ENTIRE LITTLE CENTRE OF TOWN IS GONE! IT’S SO SAD, EMPTY, LONELY, PAIFUL TO LOOK AT. MY TOWN IS DEAD! MYU FINAL CONNECTIONS HERE, IN THIS SHIT-HOLE STATE ARE SEVERED. HONESTLY, I JUST ABOUT CRIED. But it supports my feelings of needing to leave. Richford is “gone”, now I can go too. – We went into the resto, got the last booth in the back. I had a burger, Jacquie had a steak. I chatted with the waitress who lived just up the road from Nr.19. We’d never met whilst I was there, but it was good to talk about the town… and it struck me: almost 4 years ago! I have a “past” there… there’s no present nor future there though. A touch painful to think about. – Dinner done, as we got back to the truck, somebody up on Church st. set off some little fire-works. A dead town… 20.30 on Sunday night.. fire-works. Poignant. – I drove past Nr.19. The place is well-maintained but it’s still painful to see. I loved that old house… I loved that little town. Both are gone… my past… away… gone. Took the N. Branch back to Fuklin and we were back by approx. 21.45 to watch a bit of news. It was quite the day.. quite, quite the day. – It’s 23.23 now, time for a quick view of the soc.med. and the hopefully to get some decent sleep…for all in the house. It’s been quite the day… just quite… the day.

Mon.31.Oct: Halloween and JohnFux 59th b’day. Gee… 60 next year. Moron. – 8.55 and yet ANOTHER late morning start but I don’t much care. Over-cast. Damp. Chilly. And Mme. is at the papers, burning in the stove. And, well… so much for that. And the usual… need to bolt, and thoughts of just getting up and going. Oh, to have a good morning, a nice day, good weather and… gone. Oh… to be gone. – 22.52 Made it through another fucking “holiday”. It wasn’t all too bad. The kids started to come along at about 16.30 and by 19.00 the streets of town were completely empty. I went to the door about 4 times, Jacquie did the most as I sat at the kitchen table. We had a late dinner. I wasn’t, as usual, very hungry, but I ate enough to look like I ate. And then we settled to watch the news. – NOTE OF THE DAY: THE FUCKING HEAD-LIGHT ON THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE SUBARU IS OUT! COMPLETELY! NO HIGH-BEAM! WHAT THE FUCK? THE DAMNED LIGHTS HAVEN’T BEEN USED IN ALMOST A YEAR! JEEZUS KRISTE! WHAT THE FUCK? No travel during the night now. I’ll have to take it for a run in day-light. Oh well… tomorrow I’ll give it a try. The engine still smokes when revved to 2(k)RPM too! WHAT THE FUCK IS LIFE THROWING AT ME NOW? JUST WHAT THE FUCK? – Oh well… another day gone and passed and it went along… period. – I see I still have to fill-in yesterday too. Notes are done but that’s about it. And tonight, now, I’m in no mood. – Pulled and done. A little soc.med. and try for sleep. – And I have to say: it REALLY QUITE WARM in here tonight. I wonder what that’s about. Oh well… at least I’m not freezing half to death. I’ve spent entirely too much time doing that. TOO fucking much time being half frozen. – PS: I could have used a shower but… not at this hour. I’ll have Wednesday to wash and clean… me and the house.