Wed.01.May: 0.58 And... laundry's done and so am I. But there's a strange sort of “chill” rolling through the room right now... it wasn't here before. Kriste! This place truly is cursed. Anyway... time to get a nap. - MAY! FUCKING MAY already! FUCK! - 8.54 Well! Got up from the bed at 8.33 from a dozing-dream: I was shopping, in a little store similar to the 99-cent stores in The City, chatting with the shop-keeper about being a bit behind in my errands. He said something about being there on a Saturday, and I thought it was Wednesday! Suddenly, the thoughts clashed in my mind: I wasn't sure if it was Wednesday or Saturday and I started remembering that Wednesday was trash day, and if it was Saturday, I should be at the aeroport to pick-up HLS! I couldn't remember what day of the week it was! The anxieties woke me from the doze! - And there were no “wake-up” calls from wither Hallie nor Minou. So I looked at the clock, wanted to stay in bed but realised they needed to get out this morning and it all came together and so... up, they went out, I got breakfast, they came in, the garbage is now at the curb (one bag). I've had pee, coffee and smoke and, quite frankly, I'm REALLY quite “episodic” this morning. Pain in the neck, light-headed, a bit of some kind of “pressure” in the left side of the chest. I'm beginning to wonder: clogged artery or tumour? What-ever. The last time I had this and went to the ER it was “nothing” (except the “nodule” on the right lung). It would be stupid of me to go back to the ER. “This too, shall pass.” - Sadly, no rain over-night. The front yard is still “white” from the lime. But the skies are cloudy so there's a bit of “hope” for a rain that will wash it all into the soil. - The fat little dickless one is up and out in it's yard already this morning, machinery running, trying to look “important” and such. I wish I could figure an inexpensive way to plant something rather tall along that fence-line. But most shrubs and the likes are 25-30USD each and I'm NOT investing all that into this place. Better to take that money and move away... if only... if only. - Oh well. - Nothing really, on the agenda for today. Let's see how it rolls along. Let's just see. - A new month... again. One step closer to being in Hell for another season. Now THAT'S enough to make ANYBODY fucking depressed. - 9.17 On-line Journals... done. It's been an “effort”, really, trying to concentrate on it. The “episode”. Well? But the little ones are back in. I feel they're “safer” this way. - Oh... the “interesting” note for the day: How much, if any, of those bags of Dimballs' trash will be taken. (They can take the fucking bicycles too, for all I care. Call it a “gratuity”.) - I'm posting this on-line as well now... just because of the “episode”. Make a note, post the note. Not that anybody would actually know it's “me”, and it'll just sit on a server until such time when it's wiped-out. But like shit'n'bowels: Better out than in. - 9.27 Journals on-line... up-to-the moment. Good. Now... If I should die before... what-the-fuck-ever.... - 11.58 Well? “Sylvester” is here... and BLESS THEM... ALL of the damned garbage is gone! AT LAST! (I actually DO hope they charge her extra. THAT was a LOT of dragging and hauling! 14 black bags, a bin and a little white bag... from me.) Those guys are amazing! Oh, and through the week, as temperatures changed, I could hear the plastic soda bottles “pop”. No doubt there's a shit-load of what should have been in the recycling in there. Yeah... one of these days. But one can't feel “sympathy” when attempts are made to “help” and all are completely rejected, if not just simply ignored. Oh well. HELL! *I* had to learn more from hard-knock experience. I've all but wasted my life and time trying to pass the education along, trying to make things a bit easier for others. These past few years have been nothing but having it all slapped right back into my face, with a hefty does of spit'n'lunger. My “compassion” is dead. (I dread the return on Saturday... I've NO doubt there's going to be ALL SORTS OF SHIT slung. I just need... truly NEED, to address it as is appropriate: deflect, drop, ignore... just as last evening with the fucking retard next door.) - Anyway... have been wandering through a wonderful channel of Minds for the past while... a fellow who hikes the Catskills and Adirondacks! Photos and such... memories galore. (And I shouldn't admit it but I dressed only about 30 minutes ago.) - Still not feeling “well”... light-headed, pressure in the chest, the slightest motion makes me a touch nauseated. But there's stuff to be done... and activity usually helps it all pass so... Off to being “active”! I've wasted the morning and the day's passing quickly. There's really nothing on the “agenda” for the day. But lounging about doesn't improve anything. - 18.36 AND... at shortly after 15.00... I was OUT THE DOOR AND ON THE ROAD TO HIGHGATE TO McCuin's TO SEE ABOUT THE DISH FOR THE BIRD-BATH. NOPE... Of course, they didn't have one. So I thought I'd simply try Tractor Supply or even go to Walmarde again (and then to Hannaford's for tonight's meal). AH... BUT... I stopped at the Green-house/Nursery in Highgate, on the 207 and THERE! NOT ONLY IDD I GET THE SAUCER (for less than I saw with all my plotting and planning for Home Depot (Granby, tomorrow), and other places, BUT... I GOT 2 6-PACKS OF VIOLETS AND ANOTHER REDISH FLOWER TO PUT INTO A POT TO PLACE IN THE CENTRE! Just about 22USD for the whole kit! MUCH less that would have been spent other-wise (on-line or...)!!!!! In moments I was back at the hole, toddled to the store for more chicken fukkitz (because they don't have beef franks which is what I was looking forward to tonight) AND... I was ON THE RECLINER BY 17.00! OF NOTE: LIDDY BARNHOLE COMPLIMENTED ON THE ABSENCE OF THE PINE TREE, CHATTED ABOUT GROWING A LAWN AND WAS ACTUALLY RATHER PLEASANT! (Yes, I AM dying.) - By 17.30, the flowers were in the pot, the whole ordeal on the stump, photos taken. The 4 extra violets are in the planters on either side of the front door! (The young fellow at the green-house was a delight to chat with. Even told me that Franklin Cty. and NEK are the only 2 places in the state that do NOT support Bernie for anything! It was, as I say, a delight to chat with him and he told me that the violets and other plant are “cold hardy” so they'll tolerate any cold weather to come.) - I am THRILLED. - By 18.00, my “meal” was done, the little ones' too, and the dishes done, the kitchen back to tidy! - Meanwhile, all the garbage is gone from the yard but Dimballs, just like the “typical Vemonter of today” drove in, walked past the bin and so, there it stays... with the 2 bicycles, in the yard. Total shit-bags... the lot. But... I'm not going to pre-occupy my-self with the shit. I've put in a LOT of WORK on this shit-hole and now stand at 40USD short of pay-back on the 200 I owe for the “help” with the transmission. THAT'S one bag of grass seed or filling the tank in HLS's truck. I'm PAID! And that's ALL I give a shit about. - Right now? I need a bit of a snooze and am going for one... 30 minutes... I hope. And I hope I feel a bit better when I wake. - For a day where I didn't get dressed until almost noon... I got A LOT accomplished! (None of which will be appreciated, to be sure. I've no fucks or shits to give.) - 22.52 and time to hop into the shower... these nights are rapidly coming to an end... how sad. But it's RAINING out there and the lime is soaking into the soil... and Ms. Hallie is here... - 23.01 Poor thing... had to “go” and she did and had a few more snax, and too, Mr. Mimou. Now it's time for me to have my vinegar and shower and get to bed! (I'm so tired... and so dreadful of going to bed... the pain in the neck and the “episodic” feelings... which haven't gone away all day. But the joy of getting the “bird bath” and flowers helped a bit. And the rains falling tonight, and no negative temperatures in the forecast... well... If I should die before I wake... Fine.) - 23.49 and the first day of the month of May is gone. Showered and smoked and vinegared. Now, to hope for a night of sleep and a morning of feeling “well”. That's all I ask... just “well”. - Already planning for Saturday, Sunday and Monday (and hopefully she'll be off to work in the evening on Monday). Planning on how to be either “busy” or away. And have begun to “train” for not speaking about anything at all on the trip back up here on Saturday. There's no sense, really. It's only going to be repeats of the same old shit... whining and bitching and such. And then the bull-shit of “What I did on my Florida vacation”. I don't care. - Meanwhile, the radio is due to arrive on Tuesday. I should get new speakers, since the ones there are shot. Then, at month-end, hopefully, a new gauge cluster. And the hope that nothing “major” goes wrong meanwhile. - And I've “saged” the room again tonight. Hopefully THAT will “help things along” as well. - I figure, right now, the gas in the truck will pay my “debt”. But since it's raining, I'm tempted to get grass seed and put that down as it rains... before Saturday. I'll have to ponder. Grass seed or speakers. One or the other. They cost about the same... for good grass seed. Or... I'll just wait and see what (if anything) grows out front. What-ever. - Time to wrap this night/day up!

Thu.02.May: 0.51 Off to the blankies! - 9.04 and breakfast is served and this rainy day commences at 8.45 which is when I got up and out of bed... feeling rather quite well, indeed... but only for a few moments. THIS morning, my head feels as if it's been filled with cement, and my neck has gone almost rigid. THIS is why I don't like going to sleep at night: the mornings. Each one, just a bit progressively worse. I suppose I should make an appointment, have this checked. Perhaps it's as easy as having a tooth pulled or an antibiotic of some kind. Maybe it's something contracted cleaning barns. Well, there's a little something to occupy a day. One never knows until... - How charming though, to have nothing on an agenda for the day. And thanks to the rain, nothing, really, that can be done in the out-of-doors. - One “charm”: that trash bin is now laying in the yard, because the trash never bothers to remove it. Lazy. Pathetically lazy. But... I move along. - Let's see what this day brings. At least the flowers survived the night and the rains are to continue. - 13.54 The day has rolled along, and I've been slightly “removed” from it all, even as I go about the motions of “filling” the time with worth-while “things” like... brought the post in (nothing for me but the stack on the table is incredibly high), managed to “tidy” the shelves at the table in the little room, getting rid of stuff, putting other stuff where it “belongs” (though it ALL “belongs” in a land-fill, at the rate I'm going). Made two more “clench-guards” to replace the discoloured ones and to make them fit a bit better, so as not to put any sort of “pressure” on the front teeth. We'll see how that works out. The one that fit quite perfectly has been soaking in peroxide for a while now... I'll “rinse” before need. And, the stove-top got cleaned, as did the counter-top. I'm NOT going “all out” with any of this “cleaning”. The place is still “cluttered” beyond healthy, but I just don't want to be bothered. - Oh... got a message and some “photos” from Dorothy this morning. Have yet to respond/reply. But I MUST say: That little Ollie is a BEAUTIFUL little child! May he have perfect health and happiness always, and a life-time of his own desires. Nikki Giovanni comes to mind when I think of his photo: “Oh! What a pretty little baby!” Indeed. - As for “other” notes, I've been toying with the notion of calling for an appointment at the NOTCH one day next week, to see about these “episodes” and neck pains. Major concern is getting into the truck and having a really bad one and hitting somebody else. Me? Over a cliff or something? Don't care. Just let it be “The End”. I just don't want to “take” anybody else when I go. (Though, they say that nobody dies before their time so if it's somebody else's time to go, maybe it's “Fate's” way of giving me company... somebody else to “travel” with. I don't know... don't care, quite honestly, but I'd rather leave this world the way I came into it: Solo. Hello, thank you, you're welcome and good-bye now.) As I say: “toying with” the idea. It would give me time away from this place (OH! VACATION!) for the appointment and anything else that might follow, and with Medicaid, I should grab whilst I may. So? So... if not today... I'll phone tomorrow... I suppose. - Nothing for “lunch” and haven't taken the “break”. I suppose I'll go watch a bit of “news”... and, if usual.. doze. - Still drizzling. Not cold, but terribly damp and cool. - Been pondering a bag of grass seed... only pondering. My days of actual “concern” for this shit-heap are more “gone and done” than the Mueller investigation. - Oh well, alas and what-the-fuck. - 21.30 Well... One roll and 10 fukkitz for “meal” and the rest of the ice cream. Done. A little bit of “my garbage” in a bag and that's the end of “evidence of my presence” here. Tomorrow? Wash floors, get ALL of my laundry done and that's pretty much all there is on the agenda. It's supposed to be a 14° day with 90% rain so there isn't going to much, if any work out-side. Saturday's looking like 15° and sun. How charming. I'll have to be out of here by noon at the very latest, but I might... MIGHT stop at Home Depot before the aeroport. It depends on how I feel. - I did get this room and the place “saged” just now. (I have to wonder if the odour goes up-stairs. Smells like “weed”. Do I care? No. Not in the least. It'd be interesting to see if anything is said though. Not that I care at all.) - And I'm still feeling a bit “off” tonight. Going in for my shower now and getting into bed. If I get to sleep and wake early, that's fine. I've got the day to “nap” during. But I'm certainly going to make an appointment to have this checked. It occurred to me that Lyle and Cecil both died in the month of May. This is May. My turn? I have to make “arrangements”. If I DO die in this shit-hole state, I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes put up in the Adirondacks. “Hurricane Mountain” might be a nice place. Just take the box up some-where and leave it all there. I'll just have to figure out who and how. I don't trust anybody here to do it. I don't trust anybody with me alive, I SURE AS HELL don't trust them when I'm dead. Maybe I could find somebody on Cragislist or social media. There's a guy on “Minds” who hikes the Adirondacks and the Catskills, posts photos. I wonder... I'd have to pay for the privilege, to be sure. Maybe a night or 2 at the B&B in Port Henry? I'll have to look into it. - Meanwhile, I've got a “productive cough” going here. It seems to lighten when I'm out and about. - I took the little ones out for a stroll just round the house this evening, at about 19.15 or so. They're in for the night now. Minou isn't at all too happy about it. He's been after me, whining about something. But there's food in his little dish and he got snuggles and napped on my lap as I sat on the recliner so he hasn't been ignored. Ms. Hallie's been rather “quiet” today. I wonder about her. I hope she doesn't feel neglected at all. After all, it was her and me before, and I do love them both. - Oh well... may as well get into the shower and get that done with. (I never did cut my hair, but it doesn't look all that bad... yet... anyway. Besides... nobody sees it and there's nobody to “impress” round here.) - Let's just hope for some sleep tonight... peaceful sleep, restful sleep, painless sleep and a fresh morning of “ready to roll” tomorrow. I don't count on it, but I can hold a little bit of hope... silly as it is. (Honestly, I DO expect something far worse than just a “general malaise” here. It's “due”, I suppose. I just need to get to where it's all not even a matter or issue of “leaving”. Not that I don't want to... I just don't want to... here. But my life's never been what “I” want. I expect to be slammed in the face... even as I take my last breath. It's been actual HELL since conception... I've no doubt it's going to be the very same at the end... and probably beyond. That's just how it goes... I suppose. - 21.46 I'm posting this to the on-lines... just so it's there. Some-how, I feel I should... just in case. - 21.53 All done. All posted. - 23.13 I can't believe I'm on my “regular” schedule! I wanted SO MUCH, to be in bed and asleep by this hour and here I am... just out of the shower “waiting for my face to settle”! SHIT! - And out-side? Comfy-ish, but FOGGY! And I caught a bit of the forecast on ch.5: More rain Saturday into Sunday. Oh joy! Oh well. - Got a “list” for tomorrow... cleaning this hole up a touch. LAUNDRY and maybe a call into the MD for next week. Thinking of a trip... to see Donna and Dorothy. I just wonder who'll feed Minou, since he's so skiddish round people. Oh well. It's something that has to be worked-out anyway... if I travel, if I move... if I die.

Fri.03.May: 0.35 WHY!? Time for bed and my neck is fine and I feel better! Now... time to go to bed and... in a few hours, wake, feeling like Death came during my sleep and slashed my throat, punctured my lungs, stomped my heart. Oh well... may as well get it over with. - 8.23 I can't believe it but I woke, quite fine, at about 5.00 this morning and was about ready to get out of bed but, thinking of what has to be “accomplished” today, I dozed back off until about 6.00, at which point, I pondered the day's chores and dozed back off until the 7.00 alarm when I simply turned it off and decided to wait until the 8.00 alarm. OK. So I heard that one too, let it “play out” and pondered getting up until I got the “call”. Minou. 8.10 and out of bed, up for a pee, let the little ones out and had coffee, prepped breakfast and Ms. Hallie came in. Minou refused to come back in so I got me my smoke on the porch and finally he came in too. Well, they've both had breakfast and are back out and me? Well, still stiff in the neck, slightly “removed” (episodic) but moving about. Odd, but at 5.00, I was fine. I'm always “fine” as long as I'm laying down. Charming, this shit. But, there are things to be done round this shit-hole today. I've got to get ALL of my laundry done, Hoovering, I should “dust” something (though I don't see why, really, because it won't be noticed and it isn't noticeable here because of the general “darkness” of the place). There are floors to be mopped and that sort of shit. Nothing really pressing and nothing that requires all that much time. But... it's something that “should” be done (and all the while I'm aware of the fact that if none of it gets done... it'll be the same as if all of it gets done... nothing). - And the clock in front of me reads “8.30”. - Grey out there. Not cold. Just very wet. Even the “news” mentioned it last evening... all this rain. Well? As long as it continues to rain, the lawn can't be mowed. Of course, the way I see the future here, mowing won't be happening any time too soon, and probably, most likely, not until it'll require one HELL of a LOT of effort. So be it. The fucking trash bin and the 2 bikes are still in the yard. I've resigned: This place will soon be “Little Grisolm Estates”... shit from corner to corner round the place. Trash, toys, papers, wrappers, general bull-shit. She'll say nothing, do nothing about any of it... and neither will I. I just have to focus on the fact that the town will notice. Shame, really, that they won't say anything to her. Not, mind, that it would make any difference. This is trash, she's trash, she caters to trash... none of my business. - I'm off and on to the “norm” of the day... soc.med., house-hunting and trying to figure how to get the fuck out of and away from here. My “time” here is done. I've “done” all that I possibly can. There's nothing more to be attempted. - Amen. - 10.21 Well... soc.med. and procrastination are complete... time to get “rolling”. (Still feeling “removed” but hopefully the activity will... what-ever. If not, when I'm done, I'll make an appointment with the “MD”... as it were.) - 12.45 But 12.34 the post was in, the place was dusted and Hoovered, the floors (including the back porch) were mopped, bed linens and jammies, washed. Sent brief to HLS about tomorrow. Just rece'd note: “Thanks see you then.” Good. No more. No less. Fukkitall. And now? I'll wait for a bit and ring the NOTCH for an appointment. I got the work done (oh, including putting the lupine seeds at the barn) and moved right along with that but am still a bit “off”. - “Meal” today is shit. I'll have to toddle to the store for something and I need more coffee... so the coffee is a trip out of here... so too... smokes. Alas. YAY! - Rain is falling. Hopefully enough. If I were of the mind, I'd go get grass seed... I'm not of the mind. Tired of the White Trash here. - 14.30 Appointment with the MD for next Friday (since nobody's there except Wed. and Fri.). But at 8.40! Wow... first thing in the morning. Fine. Let's see what comes of this. I've just had a bit of a snooze and although there's no “pain”, the “episodic” feeling is... well, I suppose I may as well get used to this because it doesn't go away. OK... - Moving along to... nothing, really. The only “next item” is eating something and then, trying to get me into bed and asleep tonight for “enough” rest for tomorrow morning. - I want to ring Ev too, whilst I may. Should send a message off to Denis too for that matter. - I'm just SO dreading tomorrow... and the days to follow. Just dreading them. - 16.03 Spoke with Ev. Sent message to Denis. My day is “complete”. Now to figure food. (Odd... I've got the money to eat... I just don't want to spend it... on food. Must though.) - 21.49 AND out of the shower, the clothes are in the 28-minute wash. The hole is in order. One quick once-over in the morning and DONE! A nice, brief shower and the shit will recommence. (I've resolved not to engage nor to participate, should she start... .which I've no doubt she intends.) “Meal” was the last 10 fukkitz on 2 rolls with some salad dressing and a container of ice cream. Fine. I had the last “50” in the fridge earlier. Then, before shower, had my vinegar. Ah... and the bed is made with clean covers and pillow-cases, clean jammies on a clean me and clean clothes to follow. “Human”. - Oddly, in the shower I thought of her saying
”I WOULD NEVER HAVE A HOMELESS PERSON IN MY HOUSE!”
Ah... but you DO! AND STRANGELY ENOUGH, THE HOMELESS PERSON ISN'T THE ONE WHO LEFT GARBAGE IN THE BINS FULL OF MAGGOTS, OR 13 BAGS OF TRASH IN THE YARD FOR A WEEK, 2 BICYCLES, BLOCKS YOUR DRIVE WAY SO THAT THERE ARE RUTS IN YOUR YARD. ODDLY ENOUGH, THE HOMELESS PERSON HOOVERS AND MOPS “YOUR” FLOORS, TENDS “YOUR” PETS, MOWS “YOUR” LAWN, PLANTS AND TENDS “YOUR” FLOWERS, TENDS “YOUR” SIDE-WALKS, OH YEAH... AND GOT “YOUR” WIND-SHIELD REPAIRED WHILST YOU WERE TITTY-TODDLING ABOUT FLORIDA FOR 11 DAYS!
GOOD THING YOU WOULDN'T EVER HAVE A HOMELESS PERSON IN “YOUR” HOUSE... BEACUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE THE GOODNESS AND DESENCY OF A HOMELESS PERSON!
QUNT!
There, that's off my chest. - I want another smoke. Since I've an appointment in Richford on Friday-week, I can get more smokes and go to Brunet (though I should go Monday... because I'll need more biotine at the very least). I shall see how it works out. - Meanwhile... smoke on the porch. - OH! Just as an “add-on”... Dimballs has his brat/s in for the week-end and WOW... the banging about this evening! Not to mention, when the little ones and I went round the house this evening, she, his spore, dropped something in the kitchen and let out a SHRIEK! The window is open and it could be heard, quite clearly, on the pavement. Yep... The old shit-bag-qunt's 5-for-5... she's a “Trash magnet”. (Meanwhile, there's a place in Rouses Point for rent... I sent word.) - 23.46 A delightful visit to the G's Minds Channel! Nice people. Nice comments. Nice content. (Good tokens...) But for some reason, I happened on a video... about “Death”... not being “the end”... which brought me to a second video of a woman who was “clinically dead” for 90 minutes and was revived. She'd previously under-gone chemo for 3 months and was “cured” then had a coronary. Now... I wonder: Why now? These videos about death? Anyway, the first one was an older man whose mother had told him, as she was dying “Dance on my grave.” Now, I'm thinking: 17 June. I hope the truck will put up with it because I can, financially, make the trip... especially with the 5s and the “light”. Let's see. - Now? Time for sleep! I know I don't have to be up and about all that early, but I DO have to be “awake” enough so...

Sat.04.May: 8.08 and up at 7.50 with the alarm. “Morning routine” i complete but Minou is still out there... some-where. Slept through the night with only 2 “pee-breaks”. But wasn't really asleep until almost 2.00. Oh well. - Thinking of leaving here at about 11.00 or so. Maybe stopping at Home Depot to replace the marigolds. Or, maybe I just won't bother and just leave at about noon-ish and just get gas for the truck. I'll see how it goes along. Want to Hoover a touch, quick mop the floor. Just somethings to make sure I don't hold the “debt” of the 200$. - 9.22 and TIME TO ROLL HERE! The little ones are in. I'm at the beginning to today's “episode”... tight chest, head in the clouds, and there's much to get done before hitting the road (and driving into HELL). So? So... Such a joy to dread each day. “SUCH FUN!” ... Fuck. - 10.51 I'm showered. The floors are done. My jammies and bath-linens are in the dry. Today's post is in. My truck is parked in the yard, out of the drive. And I'd like, very much, to go to bed... to sleep... away from all of this. BUT... there's a “run” to be made. And of course, a “message”... about being in where-ever, boarding the next flight. Narcissistic, entitled old thing. Making sure that it doesn't have to wait. NO PROB! Its “house” is in order, its truck is in order, its truck will have a full tank of gas when we arrive. All of its shit will be “proper”... until it arrives, at which point, it will, immediately attend to fucking the Hell out of everything, and whining about something. - I'm pondering a truly and brutally honest appointment on Friday morning. Hey... maybe I'll get something to combat depression out of it (though I doubt it... THAT would be “compassionate” and that's not something synonymous with anything about this place). - ANYwaaay... there's still about 30 minutes of time “for me”, and the fucking retarded dryer is tumbling. So? So. - 11.33 “Plane in maintenance”... and the dryer just stopped the 2nd round. Time to toddle... I suppose. - 17.35 Well... we were back by 15.37. Hallie and I stopped at Home Depot where I got FOUR replacements for the marigolds, the stopped at a Shell station for 40USD in gas to fill the truck and we got to the aeroport and parked JUST as the plane landed! PERFECT timing! And the “welcome” was as if nothing transpired meanwhile. Into the truck and it was mentioned “If you're hungry we could stop...” I didn't. The chat on the trip up was fine. At the hole, I put the marigolds into the green-house. She appears un-impressed with the condition of things. She got to the stack of mail, I got to “balancing the books”. When I gave her the 30CAD she insisted that it was mine. I pointed out that I owed here 200USD. She said that no, that was for all the work I'd done round the place. I insisted that it wasn't because it went into the truck. I showed her the receipts that I've collected (and didn't mention that I'm about 16USD over; I don't care, better over than short). She offered a beer. I had. We chatted about current news and such. I mentioned the garbage and that Dimballs should put garbage out weekly. It won't happen, of course, but it WON'T be under the window or it'll be under hers. She didn't like that idea. But that's the way it will be. Done. And now? I'm ready to take a nap because, well, I'm hungry, there's only rolls and I'm not thrilled about that. I can get something else-where when... if... what... - Meanwhile, she's on the recliner. It's “chilled” at the moment and so too, the house. The thermostat is set at 67F... I've turned the radiator up. - It's “nap” time. I'm tired. The shit is done. - 19.32 Napped... and had it not gotten chilly, I'd still be napping. - Time for a roll or 2. - She's in the house... thumping about. “Bless her heart”... as some folks would say. - 20.25 I just stepped out into the house and it's FREEZING out there! It's all of 23° in this room but the DIFFERENCE is HOORID! And... she's in bed. Says she didn't sleep last night, was up at about 4.30 this morning so... Fine. Good. It wouldn't make any difference to me anyway, other than my door is shut again and better for it... obviously. Oh well. At least the day is done. I've had 2 rolls, gone to pee in the loo to find that she'd pee'ed and didn't flush. Typical. - I looked-up her “Ami's” place in Florida. Smallish, crowded little area by Bradenton. (I wonder how Bruce is doing these days. Probably not in Bradenton any more, I shouldn't think. Oh well, indeed. - So now, for the night. I'm tossing between v-ton and vinegar. I HAVE to say that, since I went back to the vinegar before bed, my neck is better. The “episodic” feeling is still with me, occasionally there's a “heavy lump” in the chest but the neck-pain is better. I'll probably go for the vinegar. (I have to get to Sutton soon, the last biotene is tomorrow. Probably Monday morning. Hopefully she'll be off to work on Monday evening.) - So. There we have it. - Oddly, it's still rather “light” out there. Then again, this is May... imagine... next month is June already and it's still chilly out there. - 23.38 Passed that time with posting new music to the G's Minds channel and up-dating the list on the site. A nice way to pass the time AND... found a Randy Crawford version of “Captain Of Her Heart”! BEAUTIFUL! (Must to get before getting to bed! MUST! Randy Crawford always reminds me of Joyce. I wonder where she and Cynthia are tonight.) Going (seriously considering?) a 2nd v-ton. I want to sleep tonight. With any luck, “she” will go to Jesus at 10.00 and I'll be able to sleep-in... hopefully I'll be able to SLEEP! Anyway, being “at” G's is a joy. I wonder how many people visit the site. I wonder how many remember G's. I wonder how many of us who were there are still “here”. I wonder. No matter... G's is “alive and well”... and no matter what, it's still around... and that's all that really matters. And I wonder... how to keep it all up, running, “alive”... even after I'm “gone”. Well, depending (a LOT) on Friday, I'll have to see how long I can keep the site up. And investment, but... (and if I keep THAT up... I'll probably move all the other sites as subs to it. Keep one... keep them all... after I'm “gone” it'll all tie-in anyway.)

Sun.05.May: 1.20 And so, the “day” is done and a new day begins and I'm off to bed... 2 v-tons in. It's been fine and fun and social media has helped again. Now, to hope for sleep... and a better day when I wake. (Still feeling “removed”.) - 8.34 Heard the 7.00 alarm and dozed to the 8.00 and was up an out of bed at 8.06 feeling “strange” because, well, yesterday's “nourishment” consisted of 2 rolls, dry, 2 coffees, half a small bag of crisps and 2 v-tons. I should be ill, but, amazingly, nope. The neck pain isn't as bad as it's been either. No doubt, something it to come. - Hazy sun this morning, with 7°. As I had my smoke, the little ones were “let out” with a cheerie “Good morning!” and yes, she's in the loo, prepping for Jesus. Thankfully. Meanwhile, there are chores to be done, especially with the lilies along the Highgate street. I just don't feel like being bothered... considering I won't be able to make a wash after. (Though, perhaps I should “change the routine” and so so anyway?) There are fence posts to be put in along the 5225 fence. There are things to be done. I just don't want to be bothered. Then too, I realised: Dimballls has gotten a “delay” in rent-paying. She was away on the 1st and today's the 5th. She mentioned giving me money when she gets the rent. That would be delightful... GRASS SEED! I'm NOT pulling that out of my accounts. (I feel better having put the 200 back into the place already... and the 16USD over. I still think of when I gave her back the 30CAD and she tried to return it and I said “Nope. Not accepting.” Delightful.) Anyway, here we are. - The porch door is open this morning. A bit of fresh air in the room. How nice for a change. - Now... to be “occupied” for a while. - 12.06 and she's been gone... thankfully she mentioned stopping by to see “Aunt Lis”. But I need to get me together here! - 17.30 AND... FINISHED WITH ANOTHER DAY OF ... never mind. - It was a about noon-ish, I was working on cutting the curtain rods for the little room when I noticed she'd returned, went directly to the green-house. She later commented that the plants looked “thirsty”. I'd watered them only yesterday before going to fetch her. So? Fuck her. Me? I went directly out to the yard, with iPod, and began, in earnest... Dug up 5 Box Alders from the roses along the front drive and... transplanted them... along the back fence. Yes, indeed, I DID! They look quite cute and intentional and so, there they will remain. (I've cause to believe that the shit-bag Cooper is spraying his “Roundup” over the fence and did so into her blackberries because I cleaned the out and there isn't a single sign of any life in any of them. So I've no doubt he'll be doing the same with the trees. Oh well. It's only “work” for me. And if they die? They die.) And so, that done, I went directly to weeding the Highgate lilies. BUGS! and all. Managed to get to the end of that, then broke-up another couple of groups and transplanted those into blank areas. Got the mower and mowed along the inside of them, mostly to cut-up the weeds, but then ran a line along the back fence to see where to mow from here on. That done, I finally cleaned the area behind the garage off the back walk. Leaves and such, raked it all into a rut in the drive and as I did, she took off with Hallie... and hasn't returned as yet. So? So... I continued by driving some stakes, running some baling cord to mark-off the “mow line” in the back and then, got the rake and cleaned the pine cones off the yard and left a charming line along the fence-line of debris. It will stay there. - (17.37 She's just rolling in.) - Anyway, that done, got dinner for Minou, sat and had a smoke and now, I'm going to check my “finances” and probably head into Enosburgh McD's for a burger. I really should eat something this evening because I see me making laundry and a shower after she retires... hopefully before 22.00 (but I'm not betting on it). - Time to roll. She's wandering about. - 21.55 and by 21.45 I was out of THE SHOWER! YAY! HLS is sacked-out on the recliner with Minou on her lap and my clothes are in a 28-min cycle. LOVELY! - Note du jour: When she rolled in, she knocked on the door and asked if I wanted a beer. I said “No. I'm going out for something to eat.” Well, she offered rice. Gee. And then offered to go to the store to get something. I said something about a sandwich and she suggested going with her to the store to see if I could get one there. I thought I'd nothing to lose by trying, since she didn't believe the “half hour” wait the last time. WELL! I got a sandwich, a chocolate milk and donuts (for tonight, but I don't think I'll have them because....). She bought beer and such and she DEMANDED that she pay! (Hey, I'm 16$ over the 200 so?) We had a bit of a laugh when I told the gal at the cashe “I know when you leave here.” She replied “You think you're scaring me? I'm more afraid of HER.” (Mme.) So I said (to Mme.) “She must be reading Facebook!” and we had a good laugh about that as Mme. explained. Anyway... we came back, I ate my sandwich and she ate popcorn. (No doubt she at at “Aunt Lis's.) The Dimballs came to pay the rent and I got the 100... for grass seed, of course. So I'm rather pleased about that. - (22.02 Clothes in the dryer... beer opened.) - Anyway, she DID tell him to make sure the kids pick up their stuff from the yard. (SHE brought HIS trash barrel over. But the bikes are still there. Fucking lazy slob, that Dimballs.) And I stressed that I don't want the place to become another “Grisolms” and that once I'm gone from here, I won't care what she does with the place... because I'll leave and never step foot back here again. It got the brush off. - BUT... SHE'S GOT ANOTHER ROAD TRIP PLANNED... THE WEEK OF 10TH JUNE! WHICH INCLUDES THE 17TH! I told her that I'm thinking of a “day trip” to Newburgh on the 17th and she said we'd probably both be back at about the same time and that she could make arrangements with Pammie to attend the little ones that day. Fine... what-ever. I still don't know if I'll go but... Imagine... she's planned ANOTHER road trip for a week! - Anyway... the day is done. I took Minou out for a stroll at 19.15 and then Hallie and Minou out again at about 20.15. No prob. Smoke time for me. - Oh, I told her about the string line and the Box Alders along the fence. She's fine with it. Even laughed about the Box Alders when we both thought of how quickly they grow and how, in some years away, they'll most likely lean into Coopers' fence! HAH! - And so now, time to wind-down. It's rather comfy in the room tonight, no radiator. - Tomorrow, I'm thinking of going to Sutton and to get the grass seeds. just a way to get away during the day. Besides, I need biotine... and the smoke too, before this carton is gone. 22° for tomorrow! But... Tuesday night, back down to 2. Shit will NEVER grow at this rate! But... none of my business. - She's awake... - And so... finish the beer. Finish the wash. Finish this fucking DAY! - One day closer to Friday. - 23.30 Finished the beer and the clothes and I'm about to try for a nap.

Mon.06.May: 8.48 and after a night of “Robax” and “back support” and two attacks of leg SPASMS at between 0.30 and 2.00... I FINALLY manage to get to sleep! But, I'm quite rather “out of it” for some reason, right now. Can't be from lack of sleep... since I dozed after the two alarms this morning and woke only at about 8.45. Oh well... - Seems the sun is shining out there and it was forecast to be warm. I'd like to get to Sutton for smokes, vits. and probably more Robax. And grass seed would be nice, but that would mean a trip to Williston as well and... nope. (Granby doesn't carry the “dense shade” seed. Damnit!) We'll see how it works out. - AND now... Dell's running some sort of “PC Scan”, all by itself! Should be fun to see the results of that... considering there's no more “support” on this thing. Oh well. - I'm just having a bit of a time here, trying to get moving. Not so much the “tired” or “drowzy” and the “just don't really want to move along”. Maybe it's the Robax. I dunno. Don't care either. - 23.50 AND WHAT A DAY!!!!! LET'S LET IT ROLL!!!!! Starting with: I'm OUT OF THE SHOWER! AND FEELING ALL THE HAPPIER FOR IT! And re-winding and rolling from here/there. - I was OUT THE DOOR and ON THE ROAD by about noon today. Didn't say “Au revoir”, “mange d'la marde”... nothing. Just got me together and into the truck and GONE. Drove down to Bates' in Enosburgh to check on grass seed (of course) and was “impressed” by a mix that's specifically for “play” areas... mostly “creeping fescue” which is the shit that tries to choke the lilies. Well, 16,99USD per 5lb bag comes to about the same as most other “specific” blends. I told them I'd be back... Into the truck and... OFF TO SUTTON... HOW-EVER... TODAY, AT THE RICHFORD/ABERCORN CROSSING, I GOT PULLED OVER... BY SOME BLACK LITTLE PANSY-ASSED SHIT! Not a bad experience though. The nice White lady and gentlemen were quite the delight. The guy let the woman search the truck and at one point she said “I need your help with something. I can't open the console.” So I opened it, she looked and in about 10 minutes it was all done. Not a problem because the weather was absolutely DELIGHTFUL and it was a pleasure to sit there, calmly, away from the shit-hole in Fuklin. OK... Off I was rolling into Sutton where I got my Biotine, another box of Robax and a “bain moussant” (which I sued for tonight's shower and it's really quite NICE... especially at 4,99CAD). Oh... Algemarin is on sale for 3CAD off. But I didn't. No sense “pushing” the budget. - Nice “Bon journée” and I toddled across to Couche-Tard for smokes where the gal at the cashe was SO sweet (and there was NO English spoken) and the smokes were 83,86CAD! YAY MOÉ! - Back into the truck and I decided to stop at Luce's to drop the CD and was planning on a stop at Métro for something to eat (like Krema) and crossing at Morse's Line (mostly because of the smokes and Robax). Well! I get to Luce's and she's THRILLED to see me (that's so nice). SO thankful for the CD (Denis Champoux) and of course “You have time for a coffee...” and no, I truly didn't but... there I was until almost 16.00! It WAS a real delight though. (And I have to note that there was “something” in the bottom of the coffee mug... a bit of old food-stuff or something. Didn't notice until I got to the bottom. Oh well.) But when we got to the subject of Mme. here, Luce said “C'est Foisy.” They're all “off the wall, won't listen to anything, won't pay attention even when they ask for help... Luce married Mme's. cousin, André and eventually they got divorced because of André and the way the family is. THAT was comforting to hear... Now I'm positive they're all a touch “retarded”... in the clinical sense, and truly psychotic... in the clinical sense. Doesn't make her any easier to stomach, but... - So! 16.15 or so, Luce told me to leave my carton-wrapper with her so I didn't have it crossing and I did and I was rolling along... and decided to chance the crossing at Freligsburgh/W.Berkshire AND AM I THRILLED THAT I DID! NOW *THAT* MADE, NOT ONLY MY DAY BUT... THE REST OF THE TIME HERE TO FOLLOW! I PULL IN AND A NEW, YOUNG GUY SAYS “HOW ARE YOU?” I SAY “I WAS FINE UNTIL I HIT THOSE POT-HOLES.” SAYS HE “OH, I'M SURE YOUR TRUCK CAN HANDLE IT.” AND THEN... HE LOOKS AT MY CARD AND SAYS “YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK?” (I DIDN'T KNOW, BUT I JUST CHECKED AND IT DOES GIVE “PLACE OF BIRTH” AS “NEW YORK”! WOW!) SO... *THAT* WENT INTO A ***WONDERFUL*** CHAT! HE'S FROM BROOKLYN, GREW UP IN “RURAL” LONG ISLAND, MOVED UP TO... !!! ROUSES POINT !!!! A YEAR AGO! WE TALKED ABOUT THE CITY, THE BEACHES, LONG ISLAND, ROCKAWAY, COST OF LIVING AND HOW HE'S LIKING ROUSES POINT (IN SPITE OF THE RATHER DEPRESSED STATE IT'S IN OF LATE). SAID HE *HAD* TO LEAVE BECAUSE IT'S GOTTEN... TOO LIBERAL!!!!! SAID THE COST OF LIVING IN VERMONT IS TOO HIGH BECAUSE OF ALL THE “SOCIALISTS” AND THEN SAID THAT EVEN THE POLICE LOOK AT PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK AS BEING “THE BEST” (QUALITY)!!! IT WAS A PURE DELIGHT TALKING WITH HIM. *AND* IT PUT MY SOUL AT REST ABOUT KEEPING THE SEARCH FOR MOVING TO ROUSES POINT! WOW! JUST... WONDERFUL! I HOPE TO CROSS AND SEE HIM AGAIN. JUST INCREDIBLE, HOW HE PICKED MY SPIRITS UP! - OK! I was off and down the roads and back to Bate's where I “re-invested” the 100USD BACK into the shit-hole with 2 bags of grass seed and a new begonia (because I believe the old one has actually died... SHE didn't bother with the plants in the white room so... the geraniums are barely holding their own but the begonia looks to need replacing). 41USD back into the shit-hole. - Next, a REALLY quick RUN through Hannaford's for franks, ice cream, a jar of coffee and... OUT! - At just past 17.00 I was back... and NO QUNT! Of course, I had to feed the little ones. (No note either. Fine. She's just setting the “ground rules”.) By 17.25 I was all but settled... and sitting in the recliner, shoving 4 franks, 3 rolls down my throat with the little ones. (Oh... there's nothing for Hallie for breakfast on Thursday. I'll have to find something for her to eat. Figures. The irresponsibility is... well, it's no longer “astounding”... it's sickening.) - Well then, “meal” done, dishes done, I headed out the door... GRASS SEED ON THE FRONT! I raked just a bit, but not much because of all the gnats and black flies! It's HORRIFIC! Next, 5lbs of seed, turned on the hose and watered. HLS had moved the bale of straw from the table to under the table on the front porch so I simply put it back on the table, cut the string and spread it over the watered seed. I didn't intend to, but since I'd already opened the 2nd bag, I watered the South side yard a bit, spread about 2-3lbs of the seed, watered again, put the rest of the straw over and watered the whole yard one more time. By 18.39 I was DONE! THE YARD IS RE-SEEDED... AGAIN... FOR ANOTHER TRY! I took a breather and then went back out to sweep the porch and the walk. By the time I got to crash into the recliner again, “Hannity” was on! It was already 22.13!!!!! I took the liberty of taking a beer from the fridge and CRASHED for a bit! - WHAT A FUCKING DAY!!! - Before heading to the shower, I re-cut the curtain rod for the little room, stapled a “hem” into the fabric, split it in the centre and it's now hanging. - It was OFF to the SHOWER at that point and now... at 24.40... the clothes are tumbling in the dryer and I'm pondering a v-ton and hoping for a night of NO PAIN! (But, I MIGHT take a Robax with the v-ton... just in case.) - Oh... there was some seed left over and I put that by the back walk and along the porch. Tomorrow, I'll have to dig in the barn for more straw but... HEY! DONE! DELIGHFUL! - THE VERY BEST PART OF THIS DAY: THE FELLOW AT CUSTOMS. Yes, the chat with Luce was delightful too, BUT THAT CHAT AT CUSTOMS WAS INCREDIBLE!

Tue.07.May: 1.00 Wash done! A v-ton. Soc.med. And HOPEFULLY to SLEEP by 2.00! AND through the night! - 2.10 It's going to be a tough day ahead. - 9.29 and I FINALLY got up and out of the bed at... 9.11 (and to be honest, I FEEL like it too). There's been a bit of a light drizzle on the grass seeds. I need to get some straw on the seed in the back and I need to do that today. - I DID manage to sleep through the night, with the back brace on, after what seemed HOURS of coughing to clear the lungs. THAT'S the “new trouble” and one I WON'T be mentioning on Friday. I mean, I KNOW that the first thing that's going to be mentioned is “You need to stop smoking”. Ah yes... but if things have gotten to THIS point NOW, what's the sense? Eh? Anyway, I managed to get the lawn seeded (again... for what? the third year?). AND, the lilies are weeded, the drive is patched, stuff is planted. All said, I'm doin' a'right... considering. - Today? The straw on the seed, work on the curtains, something to eat, food for Hallie, perhaps get that new begonia in the larger pot. There's not much that can be done in the out-of-doors today if it's going to be raining. And there's “Avis de gel” tonight and tomorrow night “dans les zone sujettes au gel”. 14° for today's high here, 2 for the low at 5.00 tomorrow morning with chill of -1°! 11 for tomorrow's high and 2 for the low. The nights, in the fore-seeable future are still single-digits. This is going to be another “slow into Summer” year. Oh well. Nothing to be done about it. I can do only what I can do with what Nature throws at me. And it appears that it's going to be alternating clear, rain, clear, rain all through. We can only sit back and see. (There should be some flowers for the back yard too, and those will obviously have to be bought this year because “Foisy-Choiniere” has been too busy globe-trotting. (Oh, how it weighs, that she said she's “in a grievance” because when here Alish left, she was forbidden to return to “visit the clients” but HLS and she connived and HLS brought a client to a coffee-shop or something to get them together and they all got caught some-how. “They want to fire me.” says HLS. Yeah? Well, between bringing the dog to the house and this shit... they don't have to “want to”... you're just playing right into it. Looks more to me like YOU want to GET fired. And GOD HELP ME IF GOD-FORBID THAT SHOULD EVER HAPPEN! Life, all through, would become absolute HELL!) - Anyway... the radio for the truck is due today. Music on wheels with adjustable volume... one of these days. Let's see if I manage to live long enough to get any enjoyment out of any of it. - And for the immediate future... Breakfast has been served, coffee and smoke have been had... time to “appear human” and roll along. - 12.14 the rest of the grass seed has been covered, even as the drizzle fell, and the begonia in the green-house is in the old pot, ready to be put into the sun. And me? I'm SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED it's almost painful. A little hungry but there's nothing to be eaten and I don't have the ambition to go and get anything. Oh, the post is in. The radio is due at some point. The curtain rods are cut and up (and I should re-make the curtains but don't really want to bother because the fabric is too tough to sew and... I just don't give a shit because it's “here”). Time for a tea and a snooze!!!! - 13.49 Up from a 30-something minute nap and feeling just only the tiniest bit better. Have to consider that, last night/this morning, didn't get to bed until after 2.00, didn't get to “sleep” until after 3.00, was up and out of the bed following a difficult but “sleepful” night of only about 5-6 hours. So, I suppose it's “appropriate. - It's DAMP and CHILLED in this shit-hole now. I'm pondering cranking the furnace, take the “discomfort” out of my legs and hands. I see no reason why I shouldn't... after all, with the preferential treatment her “other tenants” receive and the damage they inflict on the property... compared to the services and support and aid I provide, it's rather like the “Home Health/Nursing” statement of the “Caribbean Schools”... “You'll be grossly under-paid for services expected and provided so if you feel the need to augment your income and you have the means...” it's neither theft nor “wrong”... it's heat and comfort to be able to continue the services. - At any rate... I will have to seriously consider “food” at some point. But right now? I could use another nap! - 19.00 RADIO ARRIVED! - 20.21 Sadly, the bracket from the old radio had to be re-used because the new on doesn't work properly. I have the dash open, the old radio simply hanging, more or less because there just isn't enough day-light left to install the whole thing. The “crimps” are now the mystery, but with time, I should be able to figure it all out. And then... Then? Speakers and it's done. But in the mean-while, I'll be able to adjust the volume! (I hope.) - Having hot water this evening, before shower. Then, vinegar before bed. No v-tons, no beer, and NO being up until 2.00! NOT tonight! I MIGHT have a Robax, which, I learnt today, is Rx in the U.S.! Goood thing I don't tell anybody at crossing. (Need to “stock-up” I suppose.) - Still not feeling all too well. - “Meal” today was interesting. I went to the store, got ,5lb “hamburg”, as they call minced chuck here, a tin of black beans, bag of corn chips & jelly donuts. “Meal” was frying the beef, crumbling some corn chips and adding the black beans. It was actually quite GOOD! And there's a bit left over for tomorrow's “meal”! YAY! (And 4 franks for Thursday night. YAY TOO!) - I'm not hungry. I am a bit thirsty. I'm only a bit tired because I slept from 18.00-19.00 on the recliner. (Woke at 19.00 when the radio arrived and the UPS guy knocked on the door.) Hopefully, I'll shower and be tired and get to sleep tonight! (Will do all the wash tomorrow... hopefully.) - Now, time for hot water, some TV and... to bed! - 22.48 Waiting for my “face to dry” and then it's off to BED! Yes, I've showered. AND I NOTICED, THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS NO LONGER “DYE-STAINED”! GOODNESS! Has she changed it? I didn't notice whilst she was gone. GOODNESS! “DID” something! - Anyway, -1° tonight and tomorrow night as well. No “civil” temps until AFTER mid-month. - Meanwhile, I'm just hoping to wake, after a night of FULL SLEEP, tomorrow morning, with the where-with-all to change the radio! - As *NOTE DU JOUR: I SAW DIMBALLS WHEN HE CAME IN THIS EVENING, EMPTYING HIS CAR... AND TRUNK... AND PUTTING TWO BAGS OF GARBAGE OUT. GEE... I WONDER WHOSE GARBAGE WAS IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR. I'll mention it to HLS... but I KNOW, for a fact, that it won't make a damned bit of difference to her. Oh well... she'll pay for somebody else's garbage hauling. None of my business. - I still can't get that Customs guy out of my mind... Rouses Point! And to think: I lost the chance of getting a place, across from the lake! Oh well. As it was with the truck: It's out there, it's coming. - Oh... and too, the washing machine's been going from since about 19.30... almost non-stop. I'm shocked I had enough hot water to shower. Well? Keeps the electric bill up there. (I've got the furnace up to 69F too and my radiator going as well. AND... as for that, he's had all his windows open all evening. Hey! None of MY business.) - 23.47 I was pondering another smoke... nope... lights out... under the blankies. This day is CLOSED!

Wed.08.May: 6.46 Yes, 6.46, before all the alarms. I just woke, at 6.22, to a clear, bright morning, on my own, after a full night of sleep all the way through. And falling asleep was almost immediate. IT CAN BE DONE! (I'm thinking “Friday”. Waking at this hour gives me plenty of time to make the appointment.) At 6.35 I decided to get up, out of bed, and so I did, I have done, and have had my coffee, pee and smoke. (But the smoke? Well, I DO believe I'm cutting those back today. Couldn't really finish it. Heavy on the chest. Hmmm... Something's not “correct” there. Maybe it's something I inhaled... all that grey dust in the straw? Let's just hope. I do recall having this “heavy chest” back in the days of cleaning the barn at 5225. I should know better. Well? We'll learn more in a day or so.) - Meanwhile, out there, according to the météo this morn, it's a brilliant plus... 2 degrees! The double-digit days are still off, o'er the horizon. But, the sun IS shining. Oh, and I've got the curtains open, on the window. Very different, nice, to see in the morning. - And, as I type, the neck is stiffening. I woke with-out THAT pain, but, we can't have THAT now. So here it comes again. Charming. - OK... I hear the stirring out-side the closed door. I closed it to give me some time to type this. 'tis time to begin this day, I suppose. Too cool to get to the radio. But there's a bit of research I need for that anyway. And then... garbage out, radio in. (Watch, I'll get the radio in, done, maybe even get new speakers on the front doors... I need both sides... and then? WHAM! Yes, I DO see THAT coming. Hell, I got the truck, am getting my Social Security income, looking forward to fining a little flat back in the home state... “Life” will NOT allow that. Too much “happiness”. We can't have that!) - But for now... a little time in the loo and then... - 7.53 Little ones up, out, in, eating. “Loo-time” done. Feeling ... “removed” now. (Just thought: “Head and Neck”. Now THAT would be according to my existence.) AND realised that I SHOULD be able to simply plug the new radio in with the old connections. Same model. We shall see. Too easy. Probably.) Oh well... it's still too chilly out there to get to that now. And the little ones are back out. Another day. But the sun's still shining. What-ever. - 8.59 Garbage out, little ones in. Jammies in the wash. NAP! - 13.19 I've been working on installing the new radio for over an hour now... HAD to re-connect ALL the fucking wires and now? It won't power-off BUT it won't give me the “menu” and it won't play. BUT... the lights on the perimeter stay on meaning the damned thing is constantly pulling power from the fucking battery and I can't find ANY fucking help, short of 100$ at BestBuy for installation! THIS FUCKING pisses me off... I can't even get help from “Boss”! So now I have NO radio! NOT happy. But the sun is shining and the air is COLD! FUCK! - 16.28 Well... the radio is in, but the “radio” doesn't pull in any signals. I have to turn it on and off manually, the auto-off when I open the door doesn't work either. I worked on it all day, went to Dave to ask him for his opinion. We couldn't figure it all out. At first, I couldn't get it to turn on. THEN I couldn't get it to turn OFF! Asked Boss support for help. They replied quickly with something about the wiring. Well? I figured it out by trial and error and now, I can play the iPod but can't play the radio. MORE WORK that I have to fuck about with. It's the antenna, I know that, but if I connect that, the fucking thing won't turn off! AH... and then... the ONLY place I could find, locally, to install? BestBuy... at a cost of... 99USD!!! The price I paid the fucking radio! OK. Fine. NOT HAPPENING! I'll have to check in Plattsburgh (I think I know of a place but I have to check the cost). This is more bull-shit than it's worth, even though, I can no adjust the volume with the radio instead of with the iPod. And it does have a clock... for all that's worth... I'm fucking pissed. But... the day began too well. So this is what I get. - Now, I have to figure what I'm going to get for Hallie to eat tomorrow morning... she's got ONE tin of food for tonight and then... no more... except the dry which isn't all that much. Yep... the day began abnormally well... and is now... “normal”. - Meanwhile too, I see that all the windows up-stairs are open. Thankfully, the guys took the garbage, but with the windows open, the furnace is running. I think I'll keep my mouth shut until the next oil bill comes. No sense mentioning it now. (And she won't be rolling in until some-time later tomorrow... hopefully with Hallie food.) - I'm tired, it's time to start “meal” for all. AND I HOPE THE RADIO DOESN'T JUST KEEP DRAINING THE BATTERY ALL NIGHT! I'LL HAVE TO KEEP CHECKING THAT AS WELL! FUCK! THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A MERE MATTER OF UN-PLUGGING ONE AND PLUGGING IN THE NEW. NOPE! FUCKING 21st CENTURY BULL-SHIT! - Moving along... - 19.23 Well... I got the damned “radio” to play the iPod and when I moved the truck, it turned itself off. Now... what I need to figure, I suppose, is how to connect it to the antenna. One of these days, I suppose. - Went to the store to get “Beef Stew” for Hallie tomorrow. (Out of the “house-hold hundred”.) - Watched most of The Five and finished last night's left-overs. “A ice scream sammich” for when all's done. - AND I MANAGED TO CLEAN-UP THE FRONT DRIVE PEONIES AND LAID A BAG OF MULCH! HEY HEY HEY! And am just in from a “stroll” with the little ones. - A quick Hoover whilst the sweat-shirt washes on a 28-minuted and then? Snax for them (and maybe be too). A bit more washing (of bed-sheets). Then ME to the shower and to bed! There's nothing on the agenda tomorrow (except trying to figure the radio). And nothing for the evening except getting to bed on time. - No hair-cut, as I'd hoped. I could but I don't want to be bothered. No sense anyway. Nobody gives a shit. - 22.57 SHOWERED! Clothes in the washer. Floors Hoovered and mopped. Little ones... well... they're off to their what-ever. And me? Looking forward to getting into bed... BEFORE mid-night. I see “23.47” as last night's “to bed”. I'll set “hope” (HAH!) on that. At least I'm “scrubbed” right now. Clothes in a 40-minute. If I must, I'll settle for one spin through the dryer and hope. - Quick check of météo: 4°. By 4.00, it's due down to ZERO with chill of MINUS-FUCKING-TWO! 15 for tomorrow's high! But tonight? Glad I don't have flowers and such out. Hopefully the mulch on the peonies will give some protection. - Note du jour: Looks like Dimballs got himself a new “Ford”. Nice little “common” vehicle, in black. Seems to be his. Good. I sincerely wish him much good luck and happiness with it. I KNOW what getting a vehicle is about. - On that note... I've had my vinegar, before the shower so all's done. - 4 franks but no rolls for tomorrow's “meal”. - I'm planning on a shower on Friday morning before the appointment. I just want to find out what ever “Px” goes with what ever “Dx” might come up. It would be good, at this juncture, to know about “time” because there are things that need to be closed... and I need to know how much time I have to close them. - That said... off to wait for the face to dry, the clothes to wash and... - 23.53 and the clothes just went into the dryer... oh well... a bit later than I wanted.

Thu.09.May: 0.29 My thumb and index finger are so sore tonight that I literally have to TAPE them! But ah,,, the dryer stopped... AT LAST! I'm TIRED... and in pain in the fingers. Here's hope for SOME sleep! - 8.30 And morning routine is done. But getting up at 8.11? Not so good. AND, I'm wondering: Oma said that Opa used to sleep VERY deep at night and would wake the next morning complaining of being so EXTREMELEY tired, claiming he didn't get any sleep the night before, I can't remember what she said the doctors said he had, but apparently the was some kind of sleep disorder. Could that be why I always wake every morning feeling quite the same, no matter whether I wake during the night or not? Because, quite honestly, I DID sleep through again, last night (this morning) and yet, at 8.00, I could have just stayed in the bed and slept more. Yes, indeed, this is ANOTHER HEAVY morning. And, as for falling asleep, I was “out” almost “on impact”. Oh well... perhaps I'll mention it tomorrow. (Perhaps.) - Anyway... a chilled morning out there, and mostly quite sunny, though not as clear as yesterday. Good thing I didn't water the yard yesterday. The temp went to -1° which might have frozen a touch. - Fingers are still taped this morning. Still rather sore. Puts a shit on today's plans to work on the radio. Hopefully they'll get better as the morning rolls. (I can't get out there right away anyway... too cold at the moment.) As with always: “We'll see.” Thankfully, this hole is “settled” and there's no work to be done in here. Then again, I've been thinking about running some “hems” in the “curtains” on the window in this room... THAT'S NOT happening with these fingers. Oh well... “What-ever will be... will be.” - 11.31 I'm going for a nap. I'm dressed. Hallie “brought up” some of her “Dinty Moore” breakfast so a bit of floor had to be mopped. No prob, But earlier, I'd bent to pet Minou and... BACK OUT! Oh fucking joy! - Anyway, I'm “fatigued”. Time for a snooze. - 12.32 Nap of 30 mins done. Back still out. Post in. Still tired. Oh well. Getting hungry. Still chilled out-side. Sun is gone. And with pain in the back, not into sitting in the truck to work on the radio. Oh well. Just another reason why, when I'm able to “do”, I “do”... “tomorrows” are never guaranteed. - 15.44 SINGING! GOT IT! THE RADIO'S ON! I didn't pay attention to where the plug went. I was connecting it to the “Steering Wheel Controls” when all the while, there was a place to plug-in! Dumarse. Anyway... DONE! - She rolled in at about 13.00 or so and is now sacked on the recliner. I'm off to get a sammich for this evening. - AND MY FUCKING BACK IS “OUT”! - 16.21 sammich. - 19.34 Just took 2 Robax. - “Meal”: turkey, provolone, lettuce, olives, mustard, 2 oatmeal cream cookies, chocolate milk. - Chatted with HLS twice. Fine. - Alarms set for 5 and 6.00 and I'm going for a smoke and then... to bed. MY BACK IS KILLING ME!

Fri.10.May: Double digit day. 5.13 and THAT was on HELL of a night's sleep! In bed and lights out just before 20.00. I woke at about 22.00 and was still up at about 23.00, dozed back off until mid-night. Had a couple of “lucid dreams” during. One of them was that I was asleep on a sofa, at sister's house, for some reason. I was either visiting or staying there for reason un-known, “homeless” or something of the sort. The house was dark. Sister and some of her friends came into the room and somebody sat on the edge of the sofa. “Is he asleep?” I heard somebody ask, and I just laid there, awake, but not letting on that I was. Mum came along and stood beside the sofa. I knew because she'd said something, I could hear her voice. But then, what made it all really strange was that I could actually feel some kind of “breeze” blowing across my head! I mean to say that I could physically, actually, literally feel a breeze, and not in the dream! I was aware of the sensation and it woke me, in the reality. I laid there, enjoying the breeze because it was hot in the little room but when I realised that neither the doors not window were open, it woke me from the “doze”. I checked the temperature in the room. 22°. That isn't all that warm for this room. Usually at 21° it's “chilly” in here. I thought “I've got a bit of fever?” Anyway, I managed to turn, carefully, to my left side, got comfortable for a few moments, then turned back to my right side and dozed back off. It was like that through the night. All told, I think I slept from about mid-night through until just before the “5.00” alarm. The little phone is about 10 minutes fast so I hit the “snooze” twice and... when I finally decided to simply get up, it was 5.00, on the nose. So I'm up, had a bottle-pee (it's rather dark, but I didn't drink much before going to bed), coffee, and am in from a smoke. - My back? “Stiff”. It's not “killing me” this morning, but I HAVE to be aware of posture. It “pinged” as I got out of bed, but I can stand properly this morning. Hell, it usually takes about 2 weeks to “re-settle” when this happens so I can't expect to be “fine” on the 2nd day anyway. But at least I've managed to get up and out of bed this morning. - Feeling rather “up there some-where”... the remnants of the Robax. Hopefully I'll be able to get a shower in before the clinic this morning. Hopefully all will go well with the trip there. If I didn't have this appointment, I probably wouldn't venture out, certainly not driving. But... as it is with all things on all days... we shall see how it runs... when the running is done. Alas. - Thought: She usually gets up at about 6.00 or 7.00 which is when I should be getting into the shower. Today? We are going to do what WE need to do. It's time to stop all this “consideration” bull-shit and do so. Time to return the consideration. After all, let's remember Fran, the night before the “exam” at the post office: Waking me at 2.00, when I had to be rested, off in the morning's darkness, walk to the bus, then from the bus, in the rain (as it's doing this morning as well) to take a test that would determine my employment. Not to mention the screaming she did when she told me to “never come to her house again” when I asked “Why Fran? Why this morning, when you know I have to take a test and I'm nervous enough as it is?” Oh... As 'tis said: “People think you're miserable, evil, when you treat them as they treat you.” ('tis also said: “Anticipatory anxiety is worse than the actual even.”) - We roll along... not necessarily “merrily”, but along, we roll. At least I managed to be awake and up and about on time this morning. - I wonder if there's anything else I should get done today, whilst out and about. I don't have much money to piss away on shit. New speakers for the truck would be nice. Walmarde? Canadian Tire? On-line, both claim to have 30$ speakers (each set). But I know how that works out: they don't. I barely have the 60$, either US or CAD, and insurance has already sent a message (due on 26 June). I COULD pay that, going into the 5s... I just might... might. But then too, there's the gauge cluster that needs replacing at 325-345USD. The rockers... which I could get away with covering at about 300USD. Oh well... There's also a matter of “food” for today and tomorrow. I've got 4 franks here... no rolls and nothing else. - No sense fretting. All things will roll as they do. Hey... the new radio is working well. There's that. - My major “HOPE” of the day is that my back holds for a while. Maybe it's good that this happened... Maybe I can get an x-ray of it to see exactly what's causing this shit. (Not that I'll “do” anything about it, of course.) - And... there's the tightness in the chest coming along this morning. Wonderful... just wonderful. - But it's a delight to be up and about at this hour again. I SO miss those days when I looked forward to being awake at 4.30. Sad here, really, that there's no reason to be up at that hour... all it does is extend the hours of “doom and depression and anxiety and....” Were I in my own environment... One day... I tellya, one day. - 6.03 Up-dating THIS has been HELL! Some-how it got all fucked-up between the lap-top and on-line versions! WHAT the fuck? I'm usually careful about it all! - Anyway... she's up and thumping about and I need to ponder a shower in an hour. So... toddling about (hoping I've got this shit making SOME sense anyway here. Fuck... paragraphs and dates and shit missing. WTAF is going on with me? I don't mind being dead... it's the DYING I don't want to be bollocksed with/about! Thank you.) - 6.10 THERE! THAT ends THAT! ALL POSTED ON-LINE! AT LAST! WHAT A FUCKING W AY TO START A DAY! - 7.52 Out of the shower and off to get dressed and ROLL! - 10021 And back. Got there, in a deluge... DELUGE, at about 8.30, quick wait and in for the “triage”. Next. Give the Sx to the Jenna who, as usual, types as I speak, talks “ultrasound”, steps out, steps back with “CAT”, after I specifically said “non-intrusive”. Oh well... it has to be “run through insurance” anyway so, chances are... I'll get the cheapest. No bother. Anyway, I have to wait for that, and then return. She wants to make sure there's no embolism. Fine. Me too. And another blood draw and I was out. - Stopped at Hannaford's for yoghurt for today and tomorrow, rolls (for the franks), coffee (because I was there), instant tea (for when-ever). 25USD. I'm down to 7. No prob. Nothing on the “list” anyway. - And now? She's on the horn. Minou is at the door. My back (which was completely ignored even though I said I'd like an x-ray) is PAINFUL! I've got the yoghurt and the “meds”. Will decide which meds to go for and probably a nap! I'm a touch tired... mostly from driving through the rains. - But the radio works fine! (It just doesn't display the clock unless it's turned on. But no prob. New speakers and all will be fine.) - Off to see Minou... poor little man. - 11.47 Had a yoghurt (with chocolate syrup), 2 peanut-butter “Twinkies” (ick) and took a Robax. NAP TIME! (I wanted to stitch curtains but my back is too sore right now.) - 15.00 Well, that was one way to pass the day in peace... NAP from noon until 14.54! I played, what was called, on social media, “Nap Roulette”. No alarm. Just lay down and see how long I'd sleep. Now we know. I'm just rather impressed that I managed to do so with-out interruption. YAY! Or... what-ever. - Still raining out there. But comfortably warm. If not for the pain in the back, I'd be out in the yard. - Oh... I don't believe I mentioned: Got the call, just before nap: CT Scan... TUESDAY MORNING AT 7.30! I have to check on-line, to see what this is all about. - 16.53 Well, a few searches and some side-line videos on the making of dentures... CTA... the now-preferred and new tech on checking all the veins and arteries. Such fun! Injecting “contrast” that has to be flushed after (lots of water to follow). But the whole ordeal should take under and hour. Possible reactions to the contrast is the worst of it, but those happen in “0,1%” so... we shall see. And the results are quick. So by Tuesday evening I should know what's going on. (They'll either find nothing at all or something that requires all sorts of complications. All I want is a prognosis... to know “how much time I have” before having to “arrange”.) - And so... I watched the vids, read the articles, had a smoke and FINALLY went to the loo! (I had to “go” before I left for the clinic this morning!). - Meanwhile, HLS is sacked on the recliner. It's approaching “dinner” for the little ones. Hallie is obviously hungry. I'm NOT dealing with it unless forced. I'm TIRED of all the “hand-maiden” bull-shit and her irresponsibility. But it's been a quiet day. The dodging her worked well. Gee... I wonder when the invitation for a beer will come... if at all. - Out-side, the brook (“Rock River”, as Cecil referred to it) is WAY UP! Visible from the back walk, behind the post office AND from the porch along the back of 5225! The rain's stopped... for a while, but there's more in the forecast... AND... of course, Tuesday morning... cold and pouring rain. Lovely! Tah-fucking-dah. - I think it's time to grab those 2 franks. I got rolls, have mustard. Meagre eats this evening... as usual. - 24.18 Well, at about 18.00 I took another Robax, shortly after having my 2 franks on rolls, so it's time for another and trying to get to bed. - Had a brief chat with HLS who can't get it through her thick skull that I bought the new begonia in the green-house and who is still insisting on planting all sorts of shit round the yard. Well? I'm at the point where she can plant as she likes and I'll mow where it's convenient... for as long as I'm doing so. After all, I'm doing it as part of “Grounds-Keeping” and in exchange for being relegated to a small, dark room in the house. No prob. - Anyway, it is, indeed, time to get to bed. I'm going to have a “last smoke” and toddle to the loo to brush my teeth tonight, at the very least. No alarms for the morning. Let's see how long I can manage to sleep-in. Nothing on the agenda... it's “Shabbat”. Sunday is expected to be “nice” weather anyway... I might just mow what I can, just so nothing can be said about the matter. Much of the yard is pure muck anyway. But Saturday? Nope. Maybe I'll get the “curtains” stitched... just to make it easier to open and close... for me... for the duration. - Looked, earlier, at places to rent in NY. Nothing too enticing but, I'm going to have to get less particular... soon. - Done day.

Sat.11.May: 9.02 Heard the alarm at “8.00” (7.57), turned it off and laid in bed, pain-free, considering a suitable hour to actually get up, along with how to mow the lawn, perhaps on Monday morning... and looked at the clock to see 8.31... and continued considering until... 8.42 when it struck me: On Tuesday, I'll have to be up and about at 5.00 again and so, it isn't in my best interest to just lay about today and got up, had a bottle-pee, had coffee, got dressed and went out for a smoke. Aside from the usual pain in the neck, the back is better and the rest of me is... well... “usual”. Minou greeted me on the porch. The grey cat is in the barn window, matching the colour of the siding. No rain, but no sun. Not too cold and yet, not “warm” out there. And in the little room, 20°, but not uncomfortably cold, as it would be were the temperature to be the same in, say, January. Another day... And HLS is about. I heard Minou at the door to the little room this morning, and shortly there-after, the sound of temper-tantrum foot stomping across the floor and the opening and slamming of the kitchen door. Hey! I'm here to attend to “your” property/properties? in your absence. Ms. Thang... I can manage both IN-side and OUT-side and “critters” and the rest ALONE plus keep MY affairs together whilst you get paid some 11-12$/hour for “sleeping away”. I've NO concern about “your” shit whilst “you're” present. Make a fucking effort, at the very least. - And so, there/here we have it: Another day commences. - Minou is still in the room with me. He'd most likely prefer being in the rest of the place where he can go get a nibble when he wants, but I hear the squeaking of the old chair at the “computer” out there and, well, I know (from her words and actions) that Mme. wouldn't be too thrilled having him about. But sooner or later... - Again... another day commences. But it's Saturday... Fuck off. - Agenda? Nothing. “Survival”. That is all. - 21.10 The day has come... and gone... and gone. And what did I “do” with all the time? Nothing. OK. SO I managed to get through some image files... but not many. Got a very little soc.med. in, but not much. Took a nap, only one. And as for the rest of the time? Nothing! Really... Nothing. - “Meal”? The last of the 2 franks and the last of the “chocolate peanut-butter Twinkies”, so there's no munchies tonight. I didn't take any more meds for my back (but I'll be taking one before I head for the bed... or, as I type this). It truly is rather un-believeable... the “everything” I “didn't” do all day. But it was chilly. Most of the day was cloudy, so it was a chilly damp. The ground is still too soft to mow the lawn (but I might do that tomorrow because Monday is supposed to be rainy again and the grass is getting a bit high in the back yard). There were no messages, no calls, no nothing. I didn't even stitch the curtains (because my fingers are still a bit sore from drying and cracking). I'm really rather quite amazed at how much “nothing” wasn't done with the entire day! - And so now? HLS is off to bed. She'll be off to work in the morning. I'm soon off to bed because I need to get into a “routine” for Tuesday morning... when I'll HAVE to be out of here by about 6.45 at the latest and put up with the general bull-shit at the hospital. - My back's been “better”, surprisingly so. Not perfect, but better. My neck has been OK... a little sore now but nothing debilitating. All said and considered, not a shabby day. - And now, the dryer is running... she'd put a wash in this morning and only JUST remembered it. Oh well. No prob. - I suppose a Robax and vinegar tonight? We'll give it a try and see what happens. (Trying to decide which should go first... I'll put the Robax in, give it a head start.) - 21.20 Took the Robax... I'll have the vinegar at 22.00 and head off to bed. - Meanwhile... quick run through soc.med. and... Day is done! - We'll see what we get to tomorrow... there's stuff I'd like to get to in the yard. Hopefully my back and body will oblige. - 23.00 I'm going to regret this, I'm sure, at 5.00 tomorrow, but... I got carried away, created a GMX account for “Design” and moved all mail to it. THEN... did the back-ups for May for the financials, servers and passwords. And now? I've had my Robax and my vinegar and it's time to get into the bed. There's much to be done tomorrow... with the time I've been blessed to have. - 23.34 TO BED!

Sun.12.May: “Mothers' Day” (BFD) - ...7.05 I THINK she's gone. Anyway... I did wake to the 5.00 alarm. Then to the 6.00 alarm. Then to the 7.00 alarm. I've been mostly awake from since the 5.00 but just didn't want to get out of the bed. No sense, really, if she's to be about as well. So? So, here I am. And out-side it's grey, and I can't mow the lawn today because, well, I probably could but Dimballs' vehicle is present on the grounds. Not that I believe there'd be any consequences. Still... It's OK though because as I see it, I'm in desperate need of a hair-cut! So perhaps I'll dedicate today to that... and a bit of laundry and a shower. There isn't much yard-work to be done, other than the mulching (and it's only 4° out there right now... though météo claims “Dégagé” and I'll be damned if I see any “soleil” between the Highgate street and St-Armand o'er the horizon. Oh well so fine and be it done and shit. - The place has gone quiet. Perhaps she's off to the highways. I've had my bottle pee, coffee, time to try for a smoke. After that? Anybody's guess... - 7.25 In from smoke. Minou came to greet. And the 4° isn't all that cold. So now... on with.. what-ever, I do suppose. - (***** ON TUESDAY MORNING, 5.52: SOMETHING WENT TERRIBLY WRONG WITH THIS JOURNAL... THE REST OF TODAY'S ENTRY IS GONE! I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED TO IT! ON BOTH, THE JOURNAL AND THE BACK-UP! GOOD THING I HAPPENED TO LOOK HERE! REALLY! The ONLY thing I can recall about the rest of today, Sunday, is that I DID get my hair cut in this after-noon. I remember that much because I had to Hoover the loo after it. But as for anything else, it's pretty much a blank, and of course, at this hour today, with the clock running out and me having to get out of here in about 45 minutes... and a quick shower in... my brain is spinning, trying to recall anything else about the day. I recall having done nothing other than the hair-cut. I recall that she rolled in at about 22.00, quite late. I'd put the light on in the garage for her, because she usually parks in front, of late. But she came in via the porch. I was at the table, typing... AH HAH! I MUST HAVE SIMPLY POWERED THE LAP-TOP DOWN BEFORE HEADING TO BED BEFORE “SAVING” ANYTHING! She came in as I was typing, we chatted a touch about her banquig in CAD which lead to the chat moving to the kitchen for a while. Something about here Sister Mary-Comes-and-goes and HER difficulties, trying to live in the US and CAD simultaneously. It was about 23.00 when we FINALLY wrapped the day. BUT... still, this is annoying... to have lost the thoughts and such from today. Oh well... Truth is... nothing... ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOTHING got “accomplished” all day. I DO recall THAT... other than the hair-cut... followed by a shower, of course... oh yes, and having the last 2 rolls with old butter and chocolate syrup as the “daily meal”. There... a little bit of “fill-in”. No sense focusing on it now... I just don't like “losing time” like this. *****)

Mon.13.May: 8.48 I WAS STILL WIDE AWAKE AT 3.22 THIS MORNING, UNABLE TO GET COMFORTABLE, UNABLE TO GET TO SLEEP! THAT WAS THE LAST HOUR I RECALL SEEING ON THE CLOCK! Got into bed at 1.00, at last, had my naproxen and vinegar and in spite of being rather comfy, I felt COLD, very congested, and WIDE AWAKE! I watched the hours pass, pondering just getting out of the bed and staying awake through. And as I say, the last hour I recall on the clock was 3.22 this morning. Then... the 7.00 alarm. Turned it off... dozed. Then the 8.00 alarm. Turned IT off and half-dozed. Got out of the bed at 8.28! And yes, I'm “feeling” the lack of sleep now. But I'm up, had coffee and smoke. Minou came just as I was coming back into the room. And here... I... am. So much for the “civil hour” waking. So much for the “I'll be at the banque when they open.” So much for... Still, there's plenty of time to get things done. And the skies are grey again, this morning. It's 11° already. There's yard-work I'd like to get to during the day. Maybe that'll help with sleep tonight. But for the immediate future, I'll need the loo. - And yes, too, my neck is SORE again. My back's still “out” a touch. I took another naproxen with vits. Thinking: blood thinner for tomorrow and pain relief for today. Good idea? We'll see as time passes. - Oh, tomorrow's going to be a Hell of its own. But tonight? Well... that too, will tell all... when it's passed as well. - Time to “roll” (or something of the sort). - 13.02 INSURANCE PAID!!! and I stopped at Hannaford's for beef, beans, bread and PopTarts. Now... to hit the yard! - Oh... and the “Author” channel on Minds? VERIFIED! - 16.43 LAWN GOT MOWED! FENCE POSTS ON THE 5225 FENCE ARE IN AND THE FENCE IS RE-SECURED! AND THE FUCKING BLACK PLASTIC IS ROLLED-UP IN THE “GARDEN”! Dickless Cooper was in the yards spraying his “killer” along the fence... SO FUCKING HEAVILY THAT I COULD SMELL IT ALL THE WAY AT THE BARN!!! JUST WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I NEED IN MY LUNGS! Of course, when I told HLS... she giggled and made excuses: “Well, he keeps it closer to his fence...” She didn't understand that it's blowing in the wind. Serious moron. Anyway... - And as I'm typing this, a call from NOTCH... My blood-work “clumped” AGAIN... and NOW, in addition to the “CTA” tomorrow... I have to have MORE blood drawn! OH WHAT A FUCKING THRILL! (I'm already regretting being conscientious... Oh well. - TIME TO COOK! - 18.23 Between 17.00 and 18.00 I managed to scrub a skillet (because... well... I KNOW it's FILTHY and I NEEDED it). Cooked the beef and beans, served dinner to the little ones, got my “meal” as I watched “The Five” AND by 18.00, the dishes were done, the stove was cleaned and that was that! Now? I just went to check the washer? Wet clothes. The Dryer? Jeans. The clothes? On the floor where they'll stay until (IF) I get around to putting them back or some-where else. I'M FUCKING FED-THE-FUCK-UP with this BULL-SHIT! - Anyway... it's gone colder, wetter and the day is done. My back is sore but... MY WORK GOT COMPLETED! - 21.39 Clothes in the 40-minute wash (which I started before getting into the SHOWER) and I'm all “cleansed”... for the night. - It's been “difficult” this evening... finger spasms trying to roll change, leg and feet spasms just in general. But I've have my vinegar and I'm drinking water as often as possible because “hydration” seems to be a YUGE thing with this CTA: especially when it comes to getting all the shit they pump in, back out. So? WATER WATER WATER it is! No prob. (I just hope I don't spend the night up peeing.) - Anyway... delightful. - Had a most WONDERFUL evening after our stroll... sitting in the parlour with the little ones, so peaceful. (I'll miss them. Truly, I will.) - And now for a smoke. The “wash” should be done in about 10 minutes... then dry, then me to sleep... SLEEP I SAY... SLEEP! - 23.09 I'm going to be SO SORRY at 5.00!

Tue.14.May: 4.55 AND... AWAY WE GO! THIS day should be fun.... No? 6 hours of ... sleep. It took me a bit of a while to get to sleep last night, not too bad. But still... here I am and I want to go back to bed! - Anyway... I've had coffee (probably shouldn't, don't care) and vits. (probably shouldn't, don't care) and am off for a smoke... (probably shouldn't....). It's a bit “chilly” in here this hour, should have checked the oil before turning the thermo up to 68F (but didn't... oh well). We shall see how it turns out. - Anyway, I'm up and should be out of here in an hour, 45 minutes so... ROLL ALONG! - 5.12 and I've put her clothes back into the wash, had my smoke. Poor Minou is sitting on the “computer chair” as if wondering “WTF is going on here?” And the clock is ticking away. - I'm going to post this all to the on-line journals this morning... just because. Yes, I'm a touch “anxious”. I try to keep thinking that so many others have under-gone this procedure. But this time it's me... and we know how “me” usually responds to shit like this: If there's something that CAN go wrong... Oh well. “Next of kin?” Ppffttt! Who cares? Just make it “complete” if it's to go “wrong”. - That said... it's POST TIME! - 6.09 Got the posts done... heard Dimballs leaving. Mme.'s wash is in the dryer. I'm off to loo and quick shower. Time's running short. I'm getting more anxious, especially with the loss of Sunday's entries. Oh well... What a wonderful day. But... HERE WE GO! - 10.05 Back. The little ones have had breakfast and been out and back in and Minou is back out and the recycling was out before I left and the new bloods were drawn for CBC and MORE bloods drawn for creat/kidneys (which are, I hear, functioning well and fine) and the CT is done! I arrived at about 7.25 and it all went along... quite well. “Brigette” was VERY reassuring and took her time going over all the “concerns” and I thought it was about 10.00 when I finally got in for the “WOW-QUICK” scan but it was only about 9.00. And yes, I DID get a bit of claustrophobia in the damned thing, mostly because of my own perception of the thing, but I closed my eyes and proceeded to have a bit of an “anxiety attack”, a lump in the throat making it just the slightest bit difficult to breathe. BUT... it's documented that the “contrast” makes for a “hot flash” and a sensation of peeing... the ONLY “hot flash” I actually had was... in the anus! How odd! It suddenly got quite warm “down there” but only for mere seconds. The worst part was the uncomfortable position of my head... and that bit of anxiety and the moments of claustrophobia. Anyway... it's DONE! And I made it there and back and all's back to ... “normal”. Now I get to wait to see if I get any kind of call about “Oh, it didn't come out quite right. You'll have to do it again.” or “The scan shows something that we really should look into further.” or “Nope. Can't figure out what's going on.” HOW-EVER, Brigette DID suggest (highly recommend) a follow-up on the “nodule” on the lung. Says she, these days, it can be removed with little-to-no effort or trouble. She's part of some “CA/Lung” group, up-to-date with the latest and greatest. Will I pursue the issue? Most likely... nope. But good to know. - Meanwhile, I HAVE learnt that the kidneys are fine, there's another batch of blood being checked for CBC and the mystery “clumping”. And now... I have to FLUSH this shit out of my system... WATER! (I've just had my second coffee too.) - So, there we have it. I could use a nap. Might. Probably a doze on the recliner. But all said: It's all done! YAY! - 12.56 Just woke from an hour's snooze on the recliner and could go back for another. But... - Anyway. Received a few “messages” from Dorothy this morning. Nothing about this morning's ordeal. - OH! A message from HLS: “Hope your Doc. Visit went ok this (morning emoji)!!!I think I left clothes in the washer could you run a rinse & toss them in the driver. Thanks!” Fuck you, Mme. (First thing this morning, before showering, they went through another wash and are in the “driver” even now. She SAW me doing the work yesterday, pulling up the filthy plastic in the garden. In fact, she came to the garden AS I was doing it (when she whined about the “stakes” or, as she called them “pins”, because I rolled them into the plastic. What the fuck did she think? (Not that she ever “thinks” anyway.) I was covered in DIRT! And only NOW she's concerned about the washer? Fuck. - Well, that said... at least I'm peeing the water I'm drinking. And yes, I AM tired. - I need to get gas into the truck, sadly, need to get snax for the little ones... and it'll all call for digging into the 5s again. I suppose I should be thankful that I have ANY money at all. Still... - OK. On with what-ever is to follow with this day. It's still drizzly out there, so there isn't much I can do out-side. The floors need cleaning but I'm just not in the mood. - 20.07 Day is done. Had 3 snoozes during. Just in from “stroll” with the little ones. They've had snax. - I had more of the beef'n'beans this evening. Filling. And a bit more for tomorrow! 1lb beef, 2 tins of beans, 3 meals! Hey! - Meanwhile... at 16.10 a call from NOTCH... asking for a call-back. Maybe tomorrow. I wonder where I was at 16.00... prepping my “meal” I think. Oh well. Tomorrow. - And when we got back from stroll, I checked for messages and the fucking phone dialed HLS! I fucking HATE these phones and the set-up shit. I have to remember to keep that “Ggle” shit off! Anyway, oddly enough, she rang back immediately! I sent the call to voice-mail. She left a message. I sent a text back “All's OK...” &c. - Now? Might shower, probably won't. Tired. No “snax” for me tonight. No prob. - Seems there should be sun tomorrow and warm. I can get to mulch the lilies... and my “list” will be complete... for now. I'll have to check the other lists. - Right now, looking forward to a “civil” night's sleep! - 22.10 Watched a WONDERFUL old movie this evening with Jimmy Stewart at shortly after 20.00 which was when we all took our stroll for the evening. - Received a little “memo” from the old qunt about the “call”. Says she: “Thanks I just wondered if something was wrong I think of Hallie&Minou. Yes done for the day. I'm almost ready for (sleep emoji)” Yes... she thinks of Hallie and Minou indeed. Thankfully she was honest and didn't claim “always”, or “often” or even “highly”. And, succinctly put ME in perspective. Not “I hoped nothing was wrong, thinking of your doc. visit this morning.” You know? Just fuck her. One day... and that will be the last. (She's being “thoughtful” now because she has a week away on the 10th June... and she knows it'll cost her highly... and she'll shell out the big bucks and THOSE WON'T go back into HER house. “Yes”, as she puts it... Qunt. - In fairness... as I do... she DID ask about the appointment and I chose NOT to say or mention. So... the matter is closed. - Having a v-ton... just on account of because I am. Seriously doubt I'll last through two but... we'll see. - Thankfully it's warm enough in this room tonight and I don't feel compelled to shower. - Tomorrow... I'll ring NOTCH for the “laughs”. Almost can't wait. All I TRULY want is a prognosis. That's all. - Well... for now, off to some soc.med. and a flat-check and to bed... I hope. - Oh... got the insurance “card” printed... now for the fucking registration! Due 30 days on Saturday! - 23.27 ONE v-ton and a bit of soc.med. and I'm off to under the blankies. Ms. Hallie is on the sofa... head on the pillow. Kisses “Good seepie nigh-night” there. Mr. Mimou is no-where to be seen. All's DONE.

Wed.15.May: 8.11 and I got a COMPLETE night's sleep, woke just before the 7.00 alarm, turned it off and dozed until the 8.00 alarm which got me out of the bed at 7.53 for YES, 8-hours of actual SLEEP! And how do I feel this rather grey, chilled-but-not-cold, damp-but-not-rainy morn? “Usual” and “normal”. No better. No worse. No different. No shit. Loving the little ones. Hating the “situation and circumstances”. Just a rolling with the time. Plans for the day? Well thank you Caller and you're welcome, I'm done with a legal-size list of items and chores save re-weeding and mulching of the lilies... to be Frank and Ernest. The garbage is all but ready to be brought to the curb... alone... nothing from the up-stairs again. And none of which other is my concern today, if you can imagine. In a while from now, I shall ring the NOTCH for the “news” of yesterday morning's event on the “scan and drawing of the bloods” and from thence shall we all come to judge, whether living or dead. Period. Right now? The loo, I should think. No rush. No pressure. No care... no shit, no fux. (Hopefully a shit though, the purpose of the loo.) Have a nice day. - 9.13 and by “9.11” the loo was done, garbages were at the curb, I was dressed and... now 'tis time to “return the call to the NOTCH”. Tah-dee-fuckng-dah. - 9.24 AS I CALLED IT: The CT came back... fine and dandy. The blood-work: platelets are “normal”. The “nodule”: still the same, no change. A touch of “emphysema” ... Hello Mudduh? A touch of “degeneration” of the “cervical spine”. Thank you Wingdale and the psycho-tards (staff). But... as it's ALWAYS been: My body can do EXCELLENT work at hiding ANY and ALL sorts of maladies and malfunctions and the sort. I DID mention, to dear Marie, a PA-Lat of the L5S1. She'll pass that along to dear Jenna, so maybe ... MAYBE, at some point, I'll be able to confirm (or not) THAT “damage”. But... for the mean-while... looks like, perhaps mayhaps the deep-root of all troubles is transient reductions in O2 levels... most likely caused by the “emphysema” (my Dx, not theirs). But again, bottom-lining it: My body is EXCELLENT at hiding root causes... and for THAT, I'd like to thank dearest “father”, for the many years of “conditioning” through violence. “No-one will ever know.” and Death will come (if it's not already lurking in wait)... until I take matters into hand. There! THIS DAY IS A WRAP! FUKKITALL! - Moving along... Today is a day that the lord has given... make a joyful noise, a pleasant fragrance... FUKKITALL! Do unto others... and send them ALL directly to bloody-fucking HELL! - Amen. - 9.38 Journals are up-dated on-line. “My work here is done.” - 19.01 Just up from a 45-minute nap on the recliner. - The news to follow: The hole here is Hoovered! Quite thoroughly. All done by about 16.00. - 19.10 and JUST as I'd typed that... I HEARD, in the kitchen... “SWOOSH”... and YEP... the fucking cat got up onto the kitchen table and into the dry dog food! ON THE FUCKING FLOOR! Why? Because I'd taken the little white dish out of the “feeding cage” to soak. Well? Guess who got a chase round the house and a face in the food, on the table, accompanied by a good. solid smack on the arse. It's not so much the extra work as it is the pain and discomfort of having to get on the fucking floor to clean it up! Oh well. - Meanwhile, back on the points... the hole is, as far as I'm concerned, “clean”. Tomorrow I'll just mop and make the scent of “cleaner” all round. Other than that? I transplanted the daisies round the milk can. Just watered them in. I hope they don't mind the move. (If they do, I don't much care anyway.) - Put some additional “Want To Dos” on the list of “Already Dones”. Just “little” stuff round the out-side of the shit-box. When (if) money comes in on the 1st, I'll get some more items... in addition to the snax which are now, as of tonight, for Hallie, gone. I've NO money to spend on them now. I'm down to my 5s and I'm not going into that for anything but the truck. Period. - As for OTHER NEWS... there's a place listed, on Crgslst in ... NEW RUSSIA! IMAGINE THAT! Only a “voice” number to call. I'll make the call in the morning... if I don't make it before 19.30 (which I damned well might). 4 rooms (what-ever that is) for 550-plus! NOT BAD! It's a 90-something mile drive to look at but, if all goes nicely on Friday... I very well could. Or Sunday, for that matter. Could just about put the 1k on it by month-end. Worth looking into, I should say. It would put some things back a bit, cancelling the trip on the 17th (about which, I haven't heard from Denis and don't plan on hearing). BUT... it WOULD mean getting the fuck out of here... AND into the Adirondacks. So? So... I shall see. - Looking forward to getting into bed at a civil hour again tonight. Why? Not sure, other than being able to get some always-much-needed sleep. Dimballs is running the washer up there so hot water might be an issue. (Oh... it didn't put out any garbage again this week either. Good! Let the old qunt pay extra for pick-up again... none of MY concern, to be certain.) - And so... it's “count-down to walk time” for Ms. Hallie in a bit. Mr. Minou can sit his arse in the house. I KNOW he doesn't understand... but “same day” brush-off after the arse-smacking might make SOME bit of a memory. I'm tired... and looking forward to getting this day out of the way soon. - Other-wise, I MUST add: I'd no sooner gotten the Hoovering done when I went to the store for ice cream only... came back, had my “meal” done in time for “The Five” and by 18.00 all dishes were done and put back up... not a trace of anything. It's rather like my personal toilet items... HELL... even yesterday when I had to go to hospital, the last thing I did before leaving the house was to put everything back into the room... just in case. No traces of “me” to be seen in this shit-box. That's the way it's been, is now and will remain. She can say all she wants about me, spread all the vicious and malicious gossip she wants... but *I* know the facts (and I'm going to “list” them... just so I can toss them all at her... before I leave here). - Amen... the end. - 19.44 Just back in from “stroll” with Ms. H. and happened to notice that Dickless Cooper is now spraying his “Roundup” WAY over the fence-line... ever so close to the little trees. Oh well... if he kills them, they stay there, dead. I KNOW, for a fact, that the old qunt won't make any matter of it... Why? Because SHE DIDN'T DO ANY of the WORK involved with digging, moving and planting them. I can't give a shit any longer. From here on, it's “work only to keep appearing busy”. Nothing more. Nothing less. Done. Just as with the rest of this shit-box: The floors are cleaned, all is tidy EXCEPT the shit she leaves about... from table-top to sink... kitchen and loo. I touch NOTHING. Empty garbage, put out the recycling, Hoover and mop. Done. The tub gets cleaned ONLY because I use it. Other-wise... THAT would NEVER get touched. If there were 2 tubs in here, “hers” would NEVER be cleaned. And that's the way it's going to be from here on in and out. - 23.17 Shower done. Washing done. Me done. Mme.'s wash back in the dryer. Done. Having a v-ton. Done. Browsing New Russia... data, photos... *Split Rock Falls*!!! Swimming! Clean, clear water! *Split Rock Falls*!!! I'm about at the point where, no matter WHAT this place looks like, I'll take it if I can! Essex County. *The North Country*. I can only hope. (Of course, Friday's weather is cloudy and rain... but rain's always been a “charm” for me. I'm hopeful. I WILL miss the little ones, terribly. But I can't stay here just for them. One MUST move along when one must... and staying here will lead to nothing but horrors, I'm sure. I can entertain coming for the 3 days each week... “entertain”. It's all to be seen. But... bottom line: Unless the place is horrific, or the owner simply won't wait until the 1st of June.. We shall see.) And there's just enough vodka in the bottle for a 2nd v-ton... but I don't know that I'll handle that tonight. I'm tired.

Thu.16.May: (Cecil died 4 years ago today... Tomorrow... it will be 3 years ago, ,Lyle died.) 1.39 2 v-tons and I'm going to regret this late night. But... off it is to bed! - 8.23 out of ned. - 9.38 “Morning Routine” done. - 18.15 WOW! DONE! SO VERY MUCH... DONE! AND NOW? OFF TO GET GAS IN THE TRUCK AND ME! (Probably Enosburgh... Shell for the truck, McD's for me.) AND... to phone about New Russia. How nice to have a phone I can use! - Oh yeah... she came in as I was working, noticed nothing, I told her about the “box” in the basement. Oh my. What-ever. Fukkit. But... as for the WORK: I was at the kitchen floor by 10.00 and rolled from one thing to the next... non-stop... ALL FUCKING DAY! (Note: Meanwhile... there's 2 cases of Hallie food in HER truck... I'm not touching it.) - Off to eat! - 20.26 and at 20.03 I was back again... WITH AN APPOINTMENT FOR 15.00 TOMORROW... IN... ***** NEW RUSSIA *****!!!!! I'd gone to McD's Enosburgh, gotten 11$ of (not at all so) Big Mac, med. chips, van. shake and ate in the truck there. Tried to call N.R. but the connection was bad so I decided to either wait or simply head over there tomorrow anyway. Ah... driving up the W. Berkshire Rd. THE PHONE RANG! But I couldn't get it because I was driving! So... I took the Lake Road and when I got to the lake, pulled over and rang back. Well... the story goes: Place needs painting, carpeting, and “the front porch needs freshening-up”. Oh well... Me? So long as there's nothing hideously wrong... and he'll wait until the 1st... I'm at the point where it's going to “hurt” a bit but... I'll fucking take it! I NEED to get out of here. So, tomorrow, by 13.00 I'll be out and on the road and heading for... THE ADIRONDACKS! With hope in my heart. - Meanwhile other-wise, I'm not sure what time “she” rolled in but I was BUSY WORKING in the yard. I came in for a moment and yes, she asked how it went at the med. check. I merely said that there's more that needs to be done and dropped it. I mean, she asked TWICE! (And I don't feel any of it is her business anyway. No matter what... nothing will make any difference.) And I went back to work in the yard. (Oh... the dog food is out of the truck. It was out when I got back from “dinner break”. HAH!) Then, we chatted moments before I left for “dinner break”. I mentioned the “Roundup” at the fence-line and she made excuses FOR that slob, to the tune of “It's far enough away from the house.” WHAT-the-fuck-ever. And so I just got me, my little bit of 5s together and into the truck and left. - So I got McD's. Got 30$ in gas for ,75 tank for tomorrow. (Still have a 50 bundle of 5s for the road trip and a 100 in the jar.) A delightful evening for driving about, listening to the new radio... relaxing. (I just wish I had some vodka for tonight, but maybe it's best I don't.) - Now... I MUST list the “accomplishments” on the “What have you done today to make you feel proud” list:
By about 10.00, I'd mopped the kitchen floor, got dressed for the out-of-doors and headed there-to. First item on the list was that “wooden box” in the basement and the nasty old straw in it. DONE! The wood is in the garage, the straw is behind the barn, the garage is swept. Next... trimmed round that fucking rose bush at the corner of the porch and mulched it and the rest of the peonies. DONE. Moved along to getting more road gravel to the drive. DONE. And then to the lilies out front. Sorted through the stakes and fence-posts in the barn, found the posts and such, grabbed the twine and headed out. There's a rather “rustic” bit of support and protection round the fucking lilies. It won't last a Winter, but it's there for this Season. DONE. Then... to the back yard to dig up some of the “berry bushes” and plant them round the taller bird-house behind the green-house. A delight. Should look VERY nice (IF the damned things take and grow). DONE. It was going for 16.30 by now BUT... ANOTHER item... cover the fucking “chimney” at the green-house to keep the fucking bees out! So... THAT got sprayed, and just in time too... Something YUGE buzzed out of it when I sprayed “mosquito” spray into it! And yes, bees too. I let them “escape”, cut a piece of window screening, got a ladder and went up, wrapped the chimney with the screen, secured with wire. DONE. AND THEN... to wrap the day up, took the “wind-flower” seeds, mixed the packets together and sprinkled them into the grass along the Lard-arse fence. DONE! My 2-column, legal pad list is almost complete. And it was 18.14! I NEEDED to get on the road, get the actual fuck out of here to make my call about tomorrow AND get SOMETHING to eat. And so I did. DONE! I'm not only just “PROUD”, I'm rather quite amazed! And as for what's left on my “list”? Re-weed and mulch the Highgate lilies (no rush), plant some flowers or something round the “bird-bath” out front (no rush), clean-up along the 5225 fence (NO rush), fix he leak in the garage roof (no rush... SHE needs to buy the “Flex Seal”... I'm NOT covering THAT expense), and I'd like to repair the front walk but there's NO rush and I don't give a shit if I do or not. THERE! Nothing and nobody can say that I haven't left this place better, neat, tidy, clean, well-kept and maintained... should I be so blessed as to GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE SUMMER SETS IN! - The one thing that eats at my heart: Mimou. When I pulled back in this evening, he was sitting on the porch window-sill. I turned the truck off, opened the door and he came right over, all chatty. I came in, noticed the time, got him his evening snax and 'nuggles. He's back out again. Life will be QUITE different when I'm gone. But he's housed, will be fed, and “she's” good about the vet. So... and she's in a better financial position to take better care of him, not to mention: this is “his yard” where he can roam about comfortably. Taking him with me would mean he'd have to be in most of the time, strange surroundings VERY far from what he knows as “home”... it wouldn't be fair. - Anyway... it's going for 21.00 and I need a shower, my clothes need to be washed... THIS should prove interesting... if nothing else. - Thankfully, I don't have to be out of here until13.00 tomorrow. (It would be nice if the rain would be suddenly pushed away, but... rain has always been “good” for me.) - I'm exhausted... Robax or naproxen tonight! - 22.00 ON THE NOSE! Out of the shower. Face done. Clothes in the washer on a 40-minute and... That's THAT! (How I WISH I had vodka tonight! But... not a drop. Finished it last night and didn't want to spend on it this evening. Oh well... Let's see if there's “cause for celebration” tomorrow evening. If so, there WILL be!) - Confirmed... she's working on Sunday again. How lovely. Just tomorrow and Saturday to make it through (for the immediate future anyway). - And so... time for a smoke and some soc.med. and.. I don't even have snax for me! Nothing! Imagine that! (May as well get used to it... moving is going to make it all like this more often.) - 24.08 Done with the wash. The dryer didn't dry... as usual. Hopefully the radiator will. - Had my vinegar. Had taken 2 naproxen earlier. Hopefully they'll provide sleep through. Tomorrow's a YUGE day!

Fri.17.May:
8.28 and up and out of bed at 8.05. My head hit the pillow and I was OUT last night! And yes, slept through the night with only one break, at about 3.14 this morning, for a pee. Even that... up, pee, back to bed and back to sleep. This morning now? I could use a bit of a nap, but that's “normal”. I've had coffee, vits., another naproxen (just in case, for the back, but only one). Mimou came running to say “Good morning” as I had my morning smoke in the grey and damp of the morning drizzle, and he's been mot affectionate, almost as if he knows my agenda for today. (As I'm typing, he's up on his little raised bed.) And the rest of this hole is calm. Well, of course... she's “communing with Jesus” this morning. - I would have like to shower, “nim' a spritz”, as it were, before hitting the road at 13.00 (I'm giving myself a full 2 hours for this journey today). But I don't, some-how, see that happening. - And I'm trying to figure how to gather 500 in case all goes along. I'll have it all on Wednesday. Of course, I should think that I'd be expected to “come with the cash” today. I keep thinking of the statements “If it works out, that's fine and if not, you'll have taken a nice drive.” and “If you're looking for all the modern comforts and conveniences...” and “I'm willing to paint, put down new carpet, it's nothing money can't cure.” It all sounds like I'm being talked out of the situation even before I get to look. But, yes, it will pass the time of day (at a cost I can ill afford on this day), and it will get me to NY AND into the Adirondacks. As I think on it, even if it's just a matter of getting into the area, back into the state, I can put out word round the hamlet (a word I haven't heard used since being in “New England”) and have the opportunity of “mobility' in the region. I can't help but recall seeing the place on the Ggl. From the front of the house, there is/was a beautiful view of “Giant Mountain”, and it's not far from “Marcy”. Walking out the door straight forward quickly leads to wilderness, and... oddly enough... “Lower Wolf Jaw”! It's almost as if... The “Bouquet” is just along the side-road. River water for the plants... and perhaps, a little “fishery” of sorts. There IS “wood-land” and it IS the Adirondacks... and it IS “THE NORTH COUNTRY”. So? I suppose we shall see. After all, I came here, to where I am today, ill-prepared, Even just last evening I said, to HLS: “Sometimes we just have to close our eyes, lean forward and hope, like Hell... I did it coming here. I did it the night I went into the Shelter.” I hoped like Hell. Did it result in “Heaven”? No, not really, but I wasn't on the streets, fending against all sorts of Hellish elements. I didn't starve (though went hungry). It didn't drop me on the door-step of Death (though there were moments). So? “Maybe this time, I'll be lucky. Maybe this time...” After all, as I thought on the drive back from Enosburgh last evening: A place in the Adirondacks... it's the thought I've held in mind and heart from since... oh... the early-to-mid 70s... about 44 years now. Today, I take steps toward that. Will it all be a straight and delightful road, quick, efficient? I seriously doubt it. But, if we don't move toward, we either sit stale or slide backwards. I'll close my eyes, lean out, and perhaps be caught in an up-draft, and when I open my eyes, I'll be perched on a mountain-top. No way of knowing until. - And so, with all that morning philosophy jotted... and the clock approaching 9.00 already, thankfully there's nothing I can do in the yard this morning, nothing that need be done in the shit-box. A little bit of “take it easy” in prep for a rather lengthy drive... along the Northway and into the Adirondacks. May it all... ALL go perfectly well. - 12.23 and the count-down!!! BUT THE KIPPOT ARRIVED TODAY! AND THEY'RE REALLY BEAUTIFUL! (2 of them, the black ones, are a bit on the “large” side, but they fit perfectly, should hold even with-out clips and are BEAUTIFUL!) So too, a letter from “Pioneer”... “congratulating” me on the “loan rehab” and such. - And now... time to get ready to get ready to hit the road! I'm nervous... mostly about the condition of the truck, but... it'll be a nice get-away... AND... I've got a mobile phone! Woo-hah... What-ever. - 12.41 She's gone “to the lake” for a “birthday party” and I just checked the time/distance to New Russia... almost 2 hours! JEEZUS! Oh well.. time to get on the road. Here we go. - 19.53 97 MILES, DOOR-TO-DOOR. YES! I GOT TO NEW RUSSIA *AT* 15.00! with only one stop in Swanton to get 20$ gas (which is what, it turns out, the gas usage is EACH way). The drive was AMAZING!!! Out of the flats of Plattsburgh, into the foot-hills and UP into the Adirondacks of Lewis, NY. I'VE FINALLY GOTTEN TO SEE LEWIS!!! All those years, those trips, stopping at the “Lewis Rest Area”, in the late mornings going to, and the EARLY mornings coming from Montréal. That one middle-of-the-night stop with the “feller in the stall”. I often wondered where Lewis actually was and what it looked like... It's REALLY CUTE! VERY nice little town/village. Elizabethtown? WOW! Just WOW! Coming in, South-bound, the Adirondacks BOLT into the Heavens! It's breath-takingly BEAUTIFUL! And then... on-ward and into... New Russia. Arden (Harris) was in the front of the house as I arrived, chatting with somebody from town, but came over immediately. Nice guy, early 70s. grey hair, a bit of an “eccentric” look about him. Come to find out, he's a “contractor”, with degree, AND the “Water Commissioner” of New Russia! We talked, chatted. He showed me the post office, through the door and then the “flat”. It's certainly NOT BAD AT ALL! (And yes... I told him I AM interested and WOULD take it, if possible.) TWO HOURS of looking and chatting. As for the flat, first floor, front, the porch is “shared” with the PO so there's a sign on the door “Private Residence”. It was BRILLIANTLY light with sun-shine... on a clear day of 23°! The rooms are small and there is a “stale” odour about the place but it's NO-WHERE NEAR as bad as he made it sound. He wants to paint and lay new carpet... At 500$/mo, after some of what I've seen for more, I'd've given him the money right there, if I'd had it. Anyway, it all ended with him telling what he's going to do, he wants to show it a bit longer but I'm in the “top running”. Hell! An old guy from town stopped to chat and Arden “warned” me that he's a busy-body. But when he saw the VT plate on the truck and commented, I said “That's where I bought it and registered it. I had no choice.” The old guy referred to VT as “Libtardsville” and I immediately said “OH! I LIKE HIM!” (I'm to take it that folks in New Russia aren't fond of Vermonters and even less fond of Liberals! YAY! Brownie points for me!) But TWO HOURS of it all in WONDERFUL, FRESH, CLEAN, SUNNY, SHITLESS AIR! Nobody is up-staris. I've a front porch on the 9. Attached to a tiny post office of about 30 boxes that's open about 2 hours daily (9-11.00). 4mi. to “E-Town”, as they call it... and that's closer than anything here! I'm already working my “finances and furnishings” in my head. Should all go well and I can have it... I'M IN! PERIOD! It'll be a bit tough and I won't be driving all the way over here weekly... not at almost 100mi. and 2 hours EACH WAY. There's MUCH I need to sort in my head... and, where Hallie and Minou are concerned... in my heart. - Ah... but then comes the departure... I had to pee on the way there and didn't whilst... but as SOON as I got into Elizabethtown? I HAD TO PEE SO BADLY! But I made a quick stop at the “Family Dollar”, picked-up a Coke and a box of mini “Moon Pies” (which I truly DON'T like but... thought I needed something in my stomach... in case I didn't get to eat tonight) and by the time I got back into the truck... EMERGENCY! THANKFULLY I HAD THAT EMPTY BOTTLE! RIGHT in the middle of town, I pulled over, grabbed the bottle and... with difficulty... emptied my bladder JUST enough to relieve the URGENCY! Sadly... I pee'ed a bit on ME too. (I'm sitting here at the table, typing this, waiting for the chance to toss me into the shower and my clothes in the washer. It dried on the drive back but... Ewwww!) Luckily, enough went into the bottle and I was on my way. But RIGHT THERE, IN TOWN, BRIGHT SUN, TRAFFIC, and me... peeing in a bottle. Oh well... - And so... it was back through Lewis and onto the Northway... HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS TO BE BACK IN NY TODAY! - Of note: No sooner had I cleared Alburg when the “reminder” hit. THE STENCH OF SHIT IN THE AIR! VERMONT! THE SHIT-STATE! But the Mississiquoi is FULL and looking beautiful. Sadly... it was “water” and the need to pee returned. BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP ME FROM STOPPING IN SWANTON... I've a “small” bottle of 100-Proof Smirnoff for later. I AM HAVING A DRINK TONIGHT! - Bottom line: Just the VIEW of the Giant Mountain Wilderness, the YUGE peaks directly across the road... THAT'S the selling point and yes, I AM hoping that all will go well and... I'll be moving back... in short order. - On the “down side”... I pay gas for hot water, oil for heat and electric... phone and Internet. But I'll do what I must to keep it all in line. It's going to be a bit tight, but... it's all so worth it. I get to go to where my heart always wanted to be when I got “old”... THE ADIRONDACKS... and EVERY time I look out that window, THAT'S ALL I'LL SEE. - Arden said we'll keep in touch as work on the place progresses. Let's just see... hope... pray... hope. - And so, I drove back into the “estate” at about 19.00, ran in, “finished my pee” and HLS was in the royal recliner, of course. She's under the impression that I'd gone to hospital for more “tests” and asked how it went. I just played along. I'd almost like to tell about the day but it's best I don't. After all, she rolls out, saying nothing, makes plans, saying nothing, makes her road trips, saying nothing, goes to parties (today), saying nothing. What's none of my business to her is none of her business to me. It's all going to be “Wait And See” from here on. - Fortunately I made it back in time to hit the store for a sammich and a bag of crisps. The sammich is done now. I had it whilst typing. And HLS is on the recliner, the sun is all but gone from the sky, the temperature is dropping again and the Friday is done, “Shabbat” begins. - OH! And I'm wearing a NEW KIPPA! Imagine THAT for the day! (Rachel did say: “Put it back on and see if it doesn't change your life.” Ah, the Peninsula Hospital days... Rockaway.) - And so, there's the day, the week... the events. - I DO miss being in NY.. the STATE... NOT The City! - I need to clean me up! - 22.06 Me out of the shower. Clothes in the spin. Mme. in her boudoir. All is “settling” for the night. And what a night... I almost can't believe I made that trip today... 2 hours travel to, 2 hours there, 2 hours travel back and almost 200 miles! WHAT A DAY! And now, all I can really focus on is the finances of taking this place... and how to “arrange” what I don't have when I get there. Oh well... As it's almost always been in my life-time... I'll either figure it out or... I'll just spend the rest of my life (short as I hope it is) regretting. But for now... waiting for the dryer to stop so I can toss my things in and when they're done... so too, am I. - 22.49 Clothes done... time for a “beverage”! as I work on a wonderful “Ggl” image of... New Russia. (Yeah... I'm putting too much into this, but... it's a “Dream”... a “Dream Come Almost True”! And it helps... A LOT!) - 23.59 JOURNALS UP-DATED... WITH IMAGES! HAVING A V-TON (PROBABLY ANOTHER AS WELL). The 17th is DONE! (And 3 years since Lyle died... 4 since Cecil... 3 since Lyle... I have "history" here... and I more than welcome the opportunity to leave it here... and go HOME!)

Sat.18.May: 0.02 And so... we carry on to another day. - 1.28 the second v-ton is SLAMMING in and I'm done with soc.med. Finishing the little bit in the glass, having “last smoke” and heading to bed! Thankfully, it's supposed to rain again tomorrow... and if I can... I'll be “sleeping in”... FUCK this place. - 1.35 Seepie nigh-night. - 10.05 indeed. I didn't want to get out of bed again... at 9.50, but I'll just attribute that to the v-tons of last night. Regrets? “I've had a few. But then again, to few to mention.” as it were. There was one incident, at about 3.40, when I had to get up to pee and BOTH legs went into spasm. But it was ever-so brief, and I went right back to sleep. I can't complain. - And so, it's another grey morning, not too cold, but certainly not warm. I'm just in from smoke and looking at the yard and “chores” to be done. Oddly, three are of importance. The lilies at one end, the “Cecil curses” at the other end, and one patch that needs grass seed in the middle. The “grounds” will be “kept” with those tasks. Mowing and maintenance are left. A few flowers, here and there. The “big events” have been accomplished. - And of course, I think of moving... the how, when, under what conditions. She's got a “road trip” on the 10th. She's got her “Holy Land” excursion in... I believe, November. I think of whether or not I want to travel the distance. Certainly not weekly. It's not just so much the cost in gas (40$ isn't all that much, but weekly brings it to 160 a month) as it is the wear on the truck... the distance, 200 miles each week. Oh well. I'm not guaranteed the place anyway so, I don't think there's much to consider at this point. Though, the thought of being out of and away from here, waking in the morning to the mountains and fresh air instead of this “tea cup” (more like “spittoon”) and the stench of shit in the air is more comforting. Only “Time”. - Thankfully, the grey of the day and the forecast of rain gives reprieve. Though it does add a bit of “anxiety”... not being “occupied” during the hours. Oh yes, and then there's the “food” issue... none of that in the place... for me. Alas. - Well? Another day commences and the only way to know, for certain, how it will be is... when it's done. Moving along... moving along... just moving along... - 11.16 A “morning” spent busy. There were parts of the Journal in a directory, from different dates... even back to 2017 (HOW the Hell THEY got here, I'll never know but...) and in checking against THE Journal and the blog, bits were missing! SO... they are all caught-up now. Imagine DAT! - Meanwhile, HLS has been in and out, I've got the porch door open just for the air. (A tad chilled but nothing like January... I can say that much.) I should use the loo since I heard “Are you coming out with Mama?” I don't know... don't much care, really. Just letting the day... roll along. But at least that nonsense of mis-postings is done! - 24.47 Well... another day stuffed with nothing, and very few exchanges with HLS. Just finished on “Minds-Author”. A nice evening... I suppose. - I don't have any more vinegar, don't really want a v-ton (but am pouring one anyway). And “later today” (Sunday), if weather permits, I've got the lilies to attend. - Had a HORRID right leg SPASM earlier. Oh well... - By the way: received notice today (Saturday) that the CTA was “approved” by Medicaid. (Now, let's see if they cover it all or...) - Oh yes... at about 19.30 I toddled to the store. A tin of “Chef Boyardee” raviolis, on 2 rolls and some “chocolate donuts” after. Good thing I still have 5s.

Sun.19.May: 2.02 One v-ton and time for bed. - Check into the “Mayo Clinic” site on “emphysema”. Nope... no “cure” and “Tx” is nothing more than inhalers (and of course, the all-knowing government got rid of those) and “education” on “how to breathe”. Oh well. That's what the CTA showed. Mum had it... lived with it for YEARS. So? I guess this is what I have to look forward to. NOT, mind, that I'm whining about it. Anything to shorten shit. - So... that said, time to try for bed. Hopefully the v-ton and a naporoxen will provide for a nice “nap”. There's WORK to be done later. - I wonder what's going on in New Russia. I'm still working on the “new budget” to make sure I have 1k when needed... “WHEN”... NOT 'if”! If Alden says I'm in... I'm THERE! My decision is made. - 10.38 Now THAT was a night's SLEEP! I didn't open my eyes and get out of bed until...10.30! And I didn't get up even once during that 8,5 hours! SO! Nothing to note about the night. And this morning is rain. No rush to get out the door. Quite fascinating, I must to say. And I do. I do say. One of the most “comforting” (if that can be said) bits to be said (if I do say) is knowing the cause of the “drears”. Looking-up the emphysema before going to bed not only confirms that, (of course, once again), I've been “correct” all along (low O2 sat) about “why” I always feel so shitty, aside from the chronic pain in the back. Now... it I could get an x-ray of the spine... - Anyway, thoughts of “re-locating” this morning, wondering about waking in New Russia. (The only draw-back: no Montréal radio reception.) Of course, there's no guarantee, the place is still listed on Crgslst. There's been no word from Alden. So? We shall see. Wednesday is “pay-day”, there are expenses that require attention. We'll roll with it. Indeed, we shall. Besides... “she's” still planning on her “trip” on 10 June and 10 November. I suppose we'll all still be “here” through the year. Perhaps there's a cozy little place waiting for me in Rouses Point or Champlain? Who knows? Nobody. - And so, another day commences and here we are. And I've nothing on the agenda because... MOST of my “work” is complete! Moving along... rolling on the waves of time. So be it. - 13.49 and a perfectly wasted day... on soc.med., Minds-Author where “wires” have been AMAZING, participation, engaging and time... just passed by. Looks like the rains won't be coming... I'm tempted to hit the yard. Why? I don't know. Work is never noticed anyway... except by the town... who resent it. Maybe that's perfect incentive! Besides... showering and laundry after? Earned. Let's see what happens when I finally put on some clothes! - 21.06 Out of the shower at last! She rolled in at about 19.00. I was putting in the little fence along the Fucktard's fence-line after having cut the back side of the lilies and dug up round the stones and the maple tree and put down some mulch. I walked out of here just before 14.00 and didn't come back in until about 20.00. So FUCK HER! Didn't notice shit, as usual. Offered a beer as she sat feeding her face. I had. I earned it. And now, Minou is on the picnic table out back, the kitchen door is open. Mme. is on the recliner, asleep. She'd made cookie dough for cookies tomorrow... for some funeral. And me? I spent more money on another tin of Chef Boyardee raviolis and a small V8 (with vodka tonight!) and a box of donuts. And I'm only NOW sitting down to eat. - 22.20 WELL! On the “FUCKING AUDACITY” LIST for today: Minou wouldn't come in from the picnic table. I'd finally eaten my ravioli-rolls with the V8 and 2 donuts and popped out to get my clothes out of the dryer and she was coming from the kitchen... in her house-coat. Says the cat's not in and when she went to get him, he ran under the porch so when I went out for a smoke... Yeah? No. I said, clearly, that I wasn't going to worry about him. “Well, he can't stay out there all night.” No? No. I'm expected to stay up until when-ever I have the opportunity to get him in! Yeah? No! As I said, he doesn't feed hims-self when “you're not around”. He doesn't mow the lawn, watch the house, feed the dog. But I can be up until all hours of the night and still get up to make sure things get done so... not my fucking monkey, not my fucking circus. Seriously... she's making it all the more easy to simply toss my boxes into the truck and go.... no word, no note, no notice, no deposit, no return. Fuck. Bottom line and end of saga: He's in. I had to trapse across the grass in flip flops to fetch him off the table. Fuck. - And so, as I say... the lilies are a bit closer to being done, the fencing is done across the back yard. The list of “ToDos” is all but complete. As for the rest? Fuck it. - Now... I DO believe I WILL have a v-ton... soc.med. and HOPEFULLY get SOME sort of rest in a short while. At least I'm showered and my clothes are clean. The jeans, of course, aren't dry, but.. Fuck it.

Mon.20.May: 0.06 About and hour ago, there was a flash of lightning, a roll of thunder and the rains began. And I've had the porch door open since, listening to the rain on the porch roof... but no more thunder, no more lightning. But finished my v-ton. - 0.14 Just in from last smoke. It's actually WARM out there, with the rain falling. I'm glad for the rain because of the transplanted grass and lilies. And it's now noticeable, there are leaves on the trees, can't see all the house-lights over on the Square Rd. It's happening: Winter is gone. - I DO believe I'll be ringing Alden about being “in the top running” for the place. I'd like to know something before Wednesday so I can plan on whether or not to have the gauge cluster replaced on the truck this week. The choices are simple: truck or flat. The flat will, of course, win out. (It would be LOVELY if he wouldn't ask for a “security deposit”, but I'm not going to push “Hope” too far.) - Anyway, took a naproxen... just in case. It was a “bending, pulling, dragging” sort of day. - Let's hope all goes well through the night. The forecast is for more rain but I'd like to be up and about... just because. - I don't really know why, but I'm still in a bit of a shock with the events around Minou. Imagine... expecting me to stay up until he came back into the house. She never ceases to amaze... fucking selfish, self-serving, hypocritical qunt. Seriously! She makes the selfish ones at the Shelter appear divinely altruistic! The degree, the level of shallowness is astounding. The “entitlement” is repulsive. And to think: I'll have to cleanse the truck on Friday or when-ever she gets her truck back, because I'll have to drive her back to Richford to fetch it. Well... truth is, she was there when I needed her truck. It's the very least I can do... Or, I could be like her and simply say “No, I can't... because I don't want to.” Oh well. Hey! At least I simply announced that I'd take the shower after all the work... did so... and just put my clothes in to wash. - I can't help but think: The Shelter prepared me for these 8 years... and these 8 years are preparing me for worse to come... and the preparations have been brutal. - Time to get to bed... this is the time of day I dread the most because of the pain. - 8.22 after a night of... yes... PAIN!!! SPASMS! AT 1.24. AT 2-SOMETHING. THE LAST ONE WAS AT 3.33! RIGHT FOOT AND LEG. SPASMS! THEN... AT 7.57 I WAKE TO... THE BACK BRACE WAS OFF! I don't recall having taken it off. I recall adjusting and re-adjusting but not removing it. I don't recall being awake between 3.33 and 6.45 when the 7.00 alarm sounded... and I dozed, thinking of what to do about mulching the lilies. (And the resolve is: Cecil bought all of those daffodils with money he'd receive for a birthday so... I suppose they should stay... in one fashion or another. Either I leave them as/where they are or spread them out along the length of the lilies. But, this should be the last year I need bother with/about them so... they'll stay... some-how.) But when the “8.00” alarm sounded, at 7.57, I got up, had coffee, pee'ed (concentrated, as it was last night as well) and out for a smoke in the 17°, post-storm morn. - When I came in, via the kitchen, HLS seated at table, she doesn't seem too thrilled about something. I don't have either a shit or fuck to give. Nice chit-chat and I'm back in the room... dressed and “ready to take on the day”... as soon as things dry out a touch. I shall “busy” with the 5225 fence this morn, if need be, pfutz with the lilies. The lawn could use a once-over to get rid of the dandelions but it's entirely TOO wet so... But let's NOT be idle. Give NO cause for “chat” and let the work be done... DONE! - I'm looking at... 29° for Humidex at 13.00!!! 23° for the high today! It's going to be “interesting”. The storms are expected to be brief during the morning and “end” round noon-ish. This heat is going to be a bit difficult to handle... so suddenly. Oh well. The only way to know how it will turn out is... LET THIS DAY ROLL ON! - (I don't fucking give a shit.) - 20.00 On the nose and the hole has been Hoovered and mopped and honestly... THERE IS NOTHING ON MY LIST THAT I NEED TO DO! LET ME LIST:
I stepped out of here shortly after “it” left for the funeral at about 12.30 and went right for the green-house.
Brought the begonia to the back porch door (which is beyond repair and now needs replacing AGAIN, fukkit).
Next was planting 32 marigold at the phone shed and in the St.T. flower-bed.
Moved on to the 5225 fence and raked up the “Cecil Curses” to find THREE HEAVY bits of lumber AND a shit-load of black plastic (that I'd put down some years back when I was in 5225)!
As I was finishing picking-up all the shit (Cecil Curses and plastic) “it” came rolling in. Must have been round-about 14.00... she didn't even bother to come look.
Shit from along the fence done, piled at the fence, I came into the hole and said “Prepare to answer the phone, I'm starting the mower.” and went out and did just that.
Mowed the entire garden area, including the newly-cleaned fence-line, then mowed the “Highgate” area and came in for a moment to find “it” sitting at table... YEP! FAT-SLOB PHONED TO BITCH ABOUT THE “PINE CONES”! AND WHAT DID THE QUNT DO? “He doesn't want to get grass on your fence.” FUCK! DEFLECT ALL RESPONSIBILITY! WHAT A FUCKING BIT OF THE LOWEST SHIT ON EARTH THAT SNATCH IS! So I merely pointed-out that he KNOWS he can annoy her and that's exactly what he does. However, I made it PERFECTLY clear: IF he steps foot on this property where, even in the Town Offices it's known is my residence, he WILL be injured, as badly as I possibly can and that she will have to deal with the circumstances.
Done... back out and managed to mow the rest of the property, even the South and front... where possible.
I come back in and it's getting ready to hit the road and leave again.
“Can't find the dust pan.” So? So... she sweeps a bit of shit into a pile and jumps into the truck... AWAY!
It goes, it's about 17.00 and I toddled over to the store for “DintyMoore”, ice cream, crisps and tonic (for tonight).
I get back, feed Hallie whilst the “DintyMoore” is heating and I crash, at 17.30, on the recliner, to eat... and at 18.00... dozed off until 18.40 when I woke and got back to WORK:
Hoovered the floors then mopped (whilst the tub is soaking with tub cleaner).
Right now, the only items on my “list” are:
Mulch the lilies, which I can't do until the fucking daffodils die-off,
Perhaps plant something round the pine stump out front,
Perhaps repair the leak in the garage roof,
AND FUCK HER, FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK THIS SHIT, FUCK IT ALL!!!
Oh... and I've NOT touched her shit on the table, counter-tops, what-ever. And I'm not going to.
Now... at 20.20 I'll take the little ones out for a walk round the shit-box, serve them FOOD for “snax”, since I made it ABUNDANTLY clear that the “snax” have all gone too quickly and that I'm NOT buying any more since I give them only 3 days a week (and I didn't mention that *I* buy them). I'll NOT see them hungry, so I'll see them eat what's here for them. - After that? HOPEFULLY there's hot water for a good shower and clothes-washing (I need to put jammies in for a “quick”) and then... NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING... and hopefully SLEEP tonight! - I also need to ring Alden... it's on my “ToDo” for ToMorrow. - 23.47 FINALLY OUT OF THE SHOWER AND CLOTHES IN THE WASHER. I've had a “normal” v-ton... tall glass. Crisps... followed by 3 donuts. Then shower. And on my mind? New Russia and Denis. I'm about to ring him, leave a message, if possible. I just don't care tonight... I just don't care. “Emphysema”. What-ever. Ça se peut tu? Precursor to CA Lung. What-the-fuck-ever. - 23.59 I rang, left a message. Now... on to what-ever until the wash is done. (Another v-ton at hand... FUCK THIS SHIT! REALLY!)

Tue.21.May: 1.27 Clothes done. Soc.med. done. V-ton almost done. One more smoke and then... DONE! - 1.28 Out for last smoke and... DONE! - 9.11 (Imagine) and “morning routine” is complete. I'd heard the alarms and didn't bother to get out of the bed because I'd SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! But, at 8.45 I got up to this rather chilly and yes, grey morn, to roll along and here I am... The little ones have been out, back in, had breakfast. I've had my “breakfast” (coffee, vitamins, a smoke). There are TWO little humming-birds flitting all about the yard and let's just call it... another day. - The nicest bit? NOTHING on the “Must Do” list! NOTHING. Quite honestly, the ONLY thing on the list right now is mulching the lilies... I mean, there aren't any dandelions in the yard this morning! How WONDERFUL is THAT? (It'd be a perfect time for “relocating”... It'd be even better if I knew whether or not I need to “budget” for it... tomorrow morning at 1.00.) Ah, the “budgeting” for tomorrow... I DO have to figure that... and will do... in a moment. - I see it's only 7° out there at the moment... 12 for the high and rain through. Fine. The little flowers could use the water. 8° for tomorrow morning and 16° for the high with sun. (It's Thursday that's going to annoy the shit out of me... not knowing when “it” will be rolling in, or wanting to roll to Richford... and then, having to drive it back to Richford Friday or Saturday... and then cleaning “it” out of the truck. Oh well...) - Anyway... let the day commence. - (I can tell the emphysema is with. But it's rather a “comfort” knowing what causes the morning's drag, not to mention that I'd “known” all along, just didn't “name the ailment”.) - 9.27 And... the on-line Journals are posted to-date. - 22.54 SOUT OF THE SHOWER and ready for seepie-nigh-night. AT LAST! Though, this day did pass quickly and I did... nothing, save, go through all my “paypuz” in the “file” and sort them all out. Gee... - “Meal”? More “Dinty Moore”, rolls and ice cream. Just had a tall v-ton and some crisps before the shower. Other-wise... I can't say that I actually “did” anything at all with this day. - At about 19.30, we all strolled the grounds and came in for the night. I DID take the “pressure bar” (or what-ever it's called) off the porch door. I'm NOT replacing it! And other than that, I can't say I've done anything all day. - Tomorrow... off to the banque. Still don't know how to work this all out... or whether or not I have to factor in New Russia. (But I'm “seeing” me in that place... I'm SEEING me IN that place!) - I'll figure it out in the morning. - Right now, all I want is a night of SLEEP... through... ALL through... NO PAIN! And a morning being able to attend to matters. Period. - Gee... I'll have to find another banque in NY. I should look into that. But for now... let my face dry and off to the blankets. (Oh... I DID set the furnace up to 69F during the day and it's QUITE warm in here tonight... un-like last night when it was rather cool.) - Awareness... She's exactly like Margot: Appreciates nothing, everything is in payment due... entitled. I have to wonder if she keeps that “home” she works in (sleeps in) the same way she fucks this place up... and then toddles off. I seriously doubt it... they'd sack her in a snap. - Time to let that go... focus on now and tomorrow. - 23.59 And I'm signing-off on this day! - “Saged” tonight... and tried some of the apple cider vinegar that was in the kitchen. NO! I “felt” it in my bottom teeth. Granted, I DID hae a LOT in the glass but... I need more of that. Not sure why, but... - Last smoke and lights out. Kisses for the “Mrs.” Mr. is no-where to be seen. I wonder why HE doesn't come in and sleep in his little “loft” bed in the room. Oh well. - MUST ring Alden tomorrow. I've registration on the truck due shortly, would like to get the gauge cluster replaced as well. If I have the flat, the registration will get done but not the clutter. (I'm seeing me in the place.) - OK... That's that for this. Off to the blankies.

Wed.22.May: 7.20 And I woke, on my own, at 5.30! Looked at the clock, the sun shining out-side the other-wise dark window (under the porch) and dozed until 6.55 which is when I was up and having coffee! Stepped out for a smoke to come back in to Minou screaming at me so... I let him out and Ms. Hallie came out as well. They're out. I've been trying to balance money for payments of “rent” in June... along with truck registration and phone. ALL AT ONCE I've gone from just about no “expenses” to THIS! And getting rent in isn't easy... as usual. Once upon a time I sat with MONTHS of rent... now that I actually NEED it... I'm scraping here and there. Oh how typical. BUT, I JUST CAN'T LET THE FLAT GO! (The ONLY thing that would stop it would be something delightful in Rouses Point/Champlain... but I ran through those last night and it's the same old shit there so...) Anyway, I'll just be going through today's motions and see how it all settles in the end. (I have to put some “food” into the whole, sordid shit-heap as well... imagine that. This reminds me of the “$1 for ice cream”... When we were very young and not in need of the dollar, they came every years on the birth-day. Then, when the time arrived, with age, when that dollar actually meant something... “You've reached the age where you're too old for the dollar...” and they stopped. Now, when EVERY dollar means something... I'm scraping again! “Life”... it just never makes sense.) - OK. Time to get the little ones in, the garbage out (with the 1 HUGE bags already there... up-stairs... moron) and me on the road to... where-ever this day brings. I should go to Sutton for smokes... I should have enough to carry me to Sunday... but... And then there's food for tonight and ... Well? Let's just see. I suppose I'll ring Alden later to check on the flat... Better to know one way or the other... rather than knowing nothing at all. - 9.07 Garbage is out (with 3 bags from up-stairs), the “blankets” are in the dryer. The morning is rolling... but at a “drag”, so it seems. It's the anxieties of the flat, not knowing, the uncertainties, the budget, everything that is “this hole”. And I'm dressed... and that's about as far as I've gotten. Thoughts won't stall long enough for completion... food shopping, necessities, Sutton... it's all just flying round in my skull. One would think I've got “so many responsibilities”... and yet, in fact, it's all manageable. And what I'd like most to do... nap. Nope. No time. And, of course, there's always the anxiety that goes along with driving. I used to LOVE the driving. How “life” has changed. Oh well. It's all as I say: Roll... just roll. The only way to know how a day will go is recounting the events... before going to bed... at the end. - 12.21 And I was back at 11.26... driving along in the sun-shine, to Community for the “monthly routine”, followed by a quick stop at the Dollar store where I got THREE SOLAR spot lights to put up on the back walk and the garage door (always thinking about proper lighting in case nobody's here to turn on the lights for HLS and her jaunts, excursions and “always so busy” doing shit and doing fukkall for the house). Off to Hannaford's for tonight's “meal” of franks and V8... yoghurt for today's “Lunchie-snax for me and a new “vinegar” for the nights. - Money I shouldn't spend having been spent... back on the road, back to the hole to serve “lunchie-snax” for all, finish drying my linens, watching the farce that is today's “government”, marvelling at how SO many can be SUCH liars and yet smile all through (just like here... in this shit-box). And now, accounts balanced, Hallie's blankie in the wash... the sun shining... off to the post and figuring what to do with the lights. Other-wise... NOTHING... fukall, until tonight when... for the last night this week... peace will fall... and then, with tomorrow's light... fucking blow away. - 16.04 Well... the bed's made, the jammies and bath-linens are ready for tonight's shower. The new lights are installed on the back walk and by the garage door. I snoozed. And it's been a day of “nothing”. To be honest, this “emphysema” seems to be taking a bit more than “it's share” of energy. But seriously... I don't care. - Been pondering ringing Alden but just don't feel like doing. I DO have other needs to pay at this point, so, as much as I'd like to have the place, I suppose I'll leave it up to “Fate”. We shall see how it rolls. Perhaps I'll ring next week... just because. - Now, just waiting for “meal” time. I COULD have my franks now, but I'd rather wait. Ah... I've been hungry all day, no doubt, by 17.00 I won't be. Alas. - Not looking forward to tomorrow. Reminds me of Mack when he helped get the Sentra and I drove Walter and Kevin out to Minnewaska: “I paid for that car and you've got somebody else creasing the seats!” (Yeah? Well darlin', ha YOU been around when I got out of work on those week-ends, and NOT warming the seats at the bar...) Anyway, that was then... I'm being “paid” by having to have “it” on my seats. (Still trying to figure how to “un-do” that... It's terrible. But I'm in a bit of a debt here... after all the times I was allowed to use its truck.) - So I continue to roll along with the day. At least I've had the door to the room open all day. Fresh air in here. AT LAST! - This place literally makes me sick. - 22.18 SHOWERED! Clothes in an 18-minute, the hole is settled AND... THE LITTLE LIGHTS ARE PERFECT! NOT TOO BRIGHT AND FOCUSED EXACTLY WHERE THEY SHOULD BE ON THE BACK WALK AND THE GARAGE DOOR! NOT... mind anybody, that it will be noticed and if/when they are, the non-appreciation will be astounding! But... It's done. I did it. And there it is. - Thought: I'm going to ring Alden tomorrow and make an offer to do the repairs on the place... for time in it. IF I could get him to drop the “security deposit”, I could move in right immediately. But I'm not going to rely on such good fate. So I'll offer: I can do work on the place from Thursday to Monday (I can leave here on Thursday morning and return on Monday after-noon. Where I'd “sleep” there is another issue, but one that I can handle. Eating and such? Well... We can see about that. But what I'd do, essentially is, have time there, away from here, get the place settled, perhaps as I like, adjust to it all and move my boxes in there and out of here. When it's all done and done... just stay. Explaining my absence from here whilst “it's” in? Oh... none of anybody's business, but truly NOT a concern of hers, so long as the little ones are attended whilst she's gone. When the time comes to make it permanent? Just say “Sorry... I'm almost 100 miles away EACH way and the trip's just not worth it all.” HEY! SHE'D so the very same, if not worse (as if it hasn't been done already). AND... SURELY, she can get her Pammie and Davie to drop by for the days she's toddling about BTV. I've NO doubt. In fact, the days work well because their store is open on week-ends and that's when they couldn't be here and she is! Tah-dah! Done. So tomorrow morning I'll put in the call and ... we shall see. I mean... I could give him the 500 right now anyway and have done with it. (And I could still get the truck fixed as well... if not for the security.) As Margot used to say: “You ask, you have a 50/50 yes/no. You don't ask, you have a 100% NO.” Ask... - Meanwhile, the “new” vinegar is a bit harsh but not too bad. And the room here is all tidy and nice. Tomorrow morning I'll Hoover over, mop and done. - The little ones are in the living-room. They've eaten quite well these past few days. - My 4 franks on rolls were quite nice. Finished the ice cream. Swiped a bit of crisps and some of that “horse radish sauce” earlier. Yeah, I'm hungry but teeth are brushed and such so... this day is DONE! (I hear the clothes on the spin... Pop into the dryer and when done, pop me under the covers. No need to be up and about too early in the morning... 8ish is fine.) - Oh... another night of “planning” and “seeing me in New Russia”. SEEING me there.

Thu.23.May: 0.02 Well... I got caught up in the G's Minds... then, some-how, on DeadArtist. Now? LAST SMOKE and to BED! (No drinks tonight... just the vinegar. Let's hope for sleep?) - 0.09 The new lights are still on. That's comforting. - Almost forgot to mention: Yesterday (now) I rescued a HUMMIE from the porch! The little thing just rested in my hand til I got it to the open window and let it fly away. - 8.31 “Morning routine” done... and I was out of the bed at 8.07. Woke earlier, just before the 7.00 alarm, but decided to stay in bed for the while. - Last night? Well... slept through, mostly. Had two TERRIBLE dreams though:
I don't remember the details of either but the first one woke me up, having had a REALLY AWFUL ARGUMENT with Mum... or some woman... It was Mum in my “mind” but not her, in the person. I was SO angry because she'd said or done something to denigrating or demeaning and I woke, turned the blankets down on the bed, and punched her, in the face, pulled the covers back up and went back to sleep for the next dream which was about some trouble with a truck that was mine... a red truck, needed some work and a local shit came to “fix” it. The work was all but done and the guy left, I was in the house when the fire trucks arrived. I walked past a window, saw them in the yard (not this yard, but more like Caleb's shop) and when I went out to see what was going on, the under-side of the truck was smouldering! IT had caught fire. Somebody passing by saw it and notified the fire dept. Moments later, there were 3 of us in the truck, rolling down the road, some old shit driving. He pulled the truck over to listen to something. The truck sounded fine, but he claimed to notice some strange noise. I was just astonished the the thing ran! And I thought of my insurance and whether the guy who'd done the “repairs” was responsible for replacing it.
After that, nothing... I must have gone back to sleep... or just can't recall the rest. Anyway, the argument? Most likely because I don't want to be driving Ms. Thing today... and when-ever she needs to go back to fetch her truck. The truck trouble? Could be hers, could be mine, could be anything... hopefully it's not premonitory. That's all I can say on that matter. - But for now, I'm up, dressed, want to pass the Hoover and a damp mop. No telling when the old thing will be rolling in but, the sun is shining, it's quite comfy-warm already, due to get up to 20° or higher during the day. I'm still pondering ringing Alden. (If not for the “security” deposit... I' could be IN there and OUT of here.) And other-wise, I've nothing planned. - Gates dropped a load of “manure” in the yard yesterday, not close to the fence this time. One can mow round it, but “there it is”, by the hollyhocks. Maybe she'll amuse her-self with her “garden” or something for the next couple of days. Me? All I've got is mulching the lilies, perhaps laying the treads on the stairs to Dimballs' place. Perhaps put more lime on the front yard. There's really nothing much to be done... and I'm not going to make much of a matter out of any of it. And that's my plan for the day. - 9.51 Hoovering and mopping... done. The sky is clouding. The breezes are blowing copious amounts of pollen from the pines in the next yard. And me? Done... for the day. Charming. - 14.06 “Are you busy?” - 17.25 Back... We stopped at The Pinnacle station for egg salad (lunch), and will be going back Sunday after-noon. - Just having a beer. - Tired. - 23.27 and multiple episodes of QI, with a brief moment of chat in the parlour. - Poor little Minou... SO attached to me that when I stepped out to pee, he just ranted on and on, and HOW WE PLAYED! He misses me and seems to know that I “disappear” when she's in the house. Makes leaving difficult... but... I can't dictate life because... ESPECIALLY since HLS confided, this after-noon, she's rather “3 for 3” on the “Hit List” at the job. They're doing just about all they can muster to get her sacked. I can't say that I'm surprised, and I don't say so. I feign support. Why? Simply because it makes matters easier round the place. But truth be told, if, at work, she behaves anything like she behaves round here... But her not having to go to work or something or some place... it makes it all the more necessary to get out of here. (A call to Alden is in order... not later than Monday!) - Meanwhile, another divulgance, as it were: Mr. Lardshit Cooper referred to be as a “fucking idiot” when I mowed the lawn this week. He's annoyed with the little fence now. Oh well. I now see it as true tantrum-throwing. But, there's a bit of a story: Seems the real idiot here had, at one point, had a “privacy fence” installed... wrong-side-out. Had the “better side” installed facing their property and the “law” is that the “better side” is to face OUT. He had to have the fence removed and the link fence installed... Like-wise, when he had the link fence installed, he'd taken about 7ft. of THIS property, a surveyor was called-in and the link fence had to me moved. So, he's still burnt about all of that. Anyway... next plot: stump-eater... I can put it on the roots of his trees... those roots on THIS side of the fence. He can kiss his pines good-bye. And should I NOT get the place in New Russia... a little “investment” in my own “fun” to be had. (I'll have to look the stuff up and order.) - That said, the last 4 franks, on 2 rolls, shoved into the old body at about 19.00... and I only JUST realised that I've ketchup here, from a trip to McD's which I'd forgotten at “meal”! But, that/those and the egg salad was “intake” for the day. (Looks like I might have to be making a trip North tomorrow... if not just to get away but to get smokes and food. Alas... oh well. Hopefully it won't necessitate too much gas in the truck. I'd rather not get into the last 100 in 5s. - Discovery today: I can't renew the truck registration until June. Can't renew out of the month. Oh well. - Other-wise, I've had my vinegar for the night, I'm tired, and it's time to get into bed and, again, hope for sleep. Thankfully, no need for showering tonight. - As for tomorrow... the trip to Sutton and to pass the time, the lilies still need mulching and I might get a once-over on the lawn, to start the “Friday mowing”. - Oh, and the little solar lights? Well, if for not other reason than “show”, they appear to be appreciated. And tonight, in spite of low sun-light all day, they ARE lit. How charming. - Well... time to wrap the day and head to bed. There's 3 days ahead (she's not working Sunday.

Fri.24.May: 1.15 Quick once through DA-Minds... got the “tokens” coming (obviously the same telephone number can be used for multiple accounts for the “wallet”... or, one day, it'll all come crashing... not that I care). Anyway... time for a nap! - 8.58 and after many alarms between 7.00 and 8.00 (I kept hitting “snooze” instead of “off”), 8.30 was the “up and out of bed” hour. Pee. Coffee. Smoke. Minou on the porch. Minou now on my lap as I type. And it's a “heavy” morning, grey and wet, and heavy lungs this morning. But it was a good night of sleep (as “good” as it gets, I suppose) with only one “up for pee” during. Thankfully, no spasms or pain though. So yes, of course, the morning is heavy... I slept. Seems, when I sleep, the morning is “heavy”. Too much shit settled in the lungs, I suppose. Par for the course. I think, from time to time, I do believe Mum lasted at least 10 years after her Dx of emphysema. I recall, in Meadow Hill, the Dx, and her quitting the smokes, with great difficulty, until the old man went and got her a carton and said he'd rather see the emphysema take her than watch her go through the Hell she was suffering with the withdrawal. She went back to smoking, they got divorced, she met Stewie, met Al, got married, moved to Monti... then to Boca... it was years. And, considering the quantity she smoked over the years, her emphysema was probably worse than what I have now. Of course, I'm still rather more convinced that mine is “Dung-Lung”... and there's cow shit in there, along with all the other shit from the barns. I keep remembering how much better I felt that day in NY... where the air is MUCH cleaner... no farms and “shit” in the air. Let's face it: moving off the flat-lands and into the mountains... no shit in the air, water, all round... it HAS to be better, all told. Well? We shall see... we just shall see. - Meanwhile, yes, there WILL be a trip to Sutton today, at some point. And the very thought of “her” being here, no truck, no way to get away, no-where to go unless somebody comes to fetch her for some reason (and with her Mary-Comes-And-Goes in Ontario, that's no likely) she's here... and of course, there's the “They're going to fire me.” bit, for which I've no sympathy. Hey! SHE had NO sympathy for me with MY ordeal with HER people and the P.O. (never mind the busted finger, back and foot). So? So... It doesn't make things “right”... it just negates any potential necessity for “reciprocated compassion). - And on that, we roll along. - Minou is still on my lap and a loo run is due shortly. Ah... the morning. - 9.39 Loo done... with guard and bottle cleaned as well. And now... on with the day... so much as it is. - 16.45 WELL! THAT WAS AN EXPERIENCE! Out the door AT 13.00 and off to Richford for 20$ in Sunoco where it's always a pleasure... Richford, Wetherby's, familiar territory, “Home”, as Jill called it. Then, the quickest slip across to Abercorn and a whirrrrrrr to Sutton for a carton of smokes (in English!) and back on the road... chemins, as they are. des Églises to des Érables, over chemin Richford and the Pinnacle to Freligsburgh. ch. St-Armand to Dalpé, Maurice, Sheltus... Métro where I managed to get rolls and turkey and cheese for tonight and tomorrow, 2 yoghurts, one of which is already gone, trying a “new” “Only Peanuts” from Kraft (and it's more oil than much else... NOT doing THAT again either, Kraft peanut products are OUT). Creme donuts for tonight and tomorrow night, 3 containers of “Oasis” fruits juices and... THE FUCKING CIBC CARD WOULDN'T READ! So I tried the Community card and thankfully THAT did. (I don't like the need to think “Forex” but, it came to about 40CAD and only 30USD! So I suppose THAT wasn't all that bad... though I've expenses out of USD and money is TIGHT this month. Oh well... it's done and there's food.) Zip... down the Dutch and the little Hispanic lady at Morse's Line was a DELIGHT! Chit-chat and snap... on my way, roaring along the roads to... the hole where, AS I arrived... at 16.00, HLS was leaving with Hallie (on leash) for a stroll. (She's just returned.) But all said... a delightful passing of 3 hours. Though, because the CIBC card maxed on the tries, I rang the banque right away... All's fine. And now? On with what-ever. - I'd entertained mulching the lilies, but I'm not in the mood and more tired that inspired. It isn't raining, but it's grey and I don't want to be bothered. - 17.16 and now she's talking with her “Lis” and chatting about “aux 2 Clochers” on Sunday... after we fetch her truck. Yeah? My question: How are you going to get your Lis? Thinking I'LL be driivng her about town? M'thinkst NOT. Must to find a way out of THAT... good thing I have tomorrow to do so. - Glad I got to eat the yoghurt though. “Meal” will probably be at about 19.00. No prob. - 23.02 My stomach is churning, growling, and I've had a run to the loo. I wonder... I'm thinking “mostly nerves and anxieties”... - 23.09 Just in from last smoke... indeed. - Managed to put 14 more tunes on G's Minds AND get them on the site list! - “Meal” was, in fact, the turkey and cheese with a bit of hot mustard on “Portuguese rolls”! I haven't had those rolls since... well... seldom since Rockaway! They were always my faves, for “meals” at Tribute Park. The turkey was, as expected, not the greatest, and for the price, in CAD or USD, not really worth the money. There's barely enough for tomorrow and I didn't eat all that much tonight. Oh well. Live and learn. And the donuts? “Creme”? Whipped to the point of flavoured air. But everything served the purpose. And I'm thinking that the “churning gut” is because of all the fruit juice. I had an entire container this evening and it claim that each container is “7,5 servings” of fruits. Banana, pineapple, orange. So healthy! What-ever. - And at about 20.00, I took Minou out for a stroll and a smoke, round the house. Poor little guy. He misses me when I'm in the room with the door shut and she's about the house. Breaks my heart, really. If I knew I could give him all that he wants and needs, especially being able to roam about out-side freely, I'd take him with me. But, if I go to New Russia, that won't be possible... First, it's on Rte.9, second... it's in the Adirondacks... too many opportunities to get too lost over too much territory... with no place to shelter. Poor little Love Bug. - As for New Russia, I'm in one of those “I doubt it” frames of mind tonight. Financially, it wouldn't bother me too much. I could get the truck fixed a bit more. And now I see that the “fog” lights need repair! I'll have to try to repair the one that's really bad my-self. Perhaps tomorrow... or Sunday. (Maybe that light will be my “out” for the trip to “French soup”! YAY!) But the thoughts of staying here through the Summer are sickening. - On the “here” note: The ONLY thing that truly requires any work at this point in mulching the lilies. Other than those, it's all “maintenance”, which I KNOW, for a fact, won't ever get done if I'm not here to do it. But, truly, that's the only thing. I COULD repair the front walk. But I don't care enough to bother. There are 2 leaks in the roof, garage and porch. I don't really care about those either (and obviously, neither does she). I could put some siding on the barn, but... again... I don't much care about that (and obviously, neither does she). So? So. Lilies and my work is done. A great time to get out of here. We'll see. I'll give the call on Monday. That gives a week of “showing”. Personally, my gut tells me that the mention “HUD gives 850” cinched that matter. Oh well. Good for him. Bad for me. But then again... HUD? On the Main? In such a small town? Oh well. Folks get what folks deserve... After all, let's just look at HLS: 5 for 5. - On that note, I do believe it's time to get under the covers and hope for a night of sleep. Time for vinegar. No v-tons tonight. And tomorrow? It will be what it is. (And she'll probably be around all day... and I'll be making me busy... all day.)

Sat.25.May: I can hardly believe this month is almost over, June is approaching and it's still chilly! - 9.26 and ni spite of being awake and ready to roll at about 5.00 this morning... yes, I was, in fact, I “rolled” over to pee and “rolled” right back into bed until the 8.00 alarm which sounded, got turned off and I laid there, comfy until 9.11... No regrets. I was up a few times during the night, to pee, but that's about it. There was a slight incident with a spasm of the foot, but nothing too awfully horrendous. To say, it was a “good” night. And Imagine... I was in bed BEFORE mid-night... JUST before but BEFORE. So I should be well-rested this morning. HAH! As I now know, i ain't about the “rest” it's about the breathing. But anyway, the sun is shining, Météo tells me it's 14° out there already. Shame, perhaps, that it's Saturday and of course, tomorrow's forecast? “Orages”. Fucking weather... Oh well... it's not as if I should “appear” healthy or anything. There's no reason, no body, no anything to “get out there and be healthy!”... besides, being out there is, most likely what made me as UN-healthy as I am! (Fucking “Dung-Lung” and shit.) Ah... another cheerie morn. Let's just move on and along; shall we then? Keep “busy”, occupied, distracted... this day too... shall pass. - CHEERS! - 17.48 “Meal” at last! But I did get more mulch down... THE TRUCK WAS RETURNED! OH THANK THE GODS! Ms. “Lis” might not be about for “Soup” tomorrow. But THE TRUCK WAS RETURNED! The work's not done but THE TRUCK is returned And I got some more mulching done, the line is cut nicely. And there's a drizzle. Fine. (I need a bit of a shower... and clothes can be “quick” washed tomorrow... when HLS goes off to visit with Jesus. - 24.10 I'll be sorry later... sorry now that I'm not in the shower after all the dirty work. (Although, I COULD shower and nobody'd know... unless “she” got up to go to the loo... I'll consider.) - I finished the food in here this evening... save, some cheese and a yoghurt (which will have to be eaten tomorrow...). There was NO “offer” of food made and I'm not resentful. At 17.00 *I* got dinner for the little ones and again, at 20.00 I got them snax whilst HLS reclined. “Typical”. And then I watched a bit of tele in the parlour and returned to “the room” where I've been, ever since... on the G's Minds channel. Somebody posted South African music and, well... I've managed to get a few MORE of my old collection! (I hope there's room on the iPod! It's quite nice to have that music back too.) SO that took quite a while and I'm JUST finished posting a “Play-list” of it. 10 tunes in all. Nice. - Other-wise, I do need to get to the loo. A bit of a BM that I never got to have today. - All that aside, I'm having a v-grapefruit juice at the moment. Quite nice, really, but would be better, chilled. Oh well. - Which brings me to: I'm rather hopeful about ringing Alden on Monday. Yes, it IS time to get the fuck out of here. And I need to know if I need to defer repairs on the truck and scrape funds. Monday should be enough time for him to have decided (though I'm still rather believing that he's chosen the “HUD” person... for the 300/mo more... and I don't blame him). - On that, I need to decided about loo and shower. And tomorrow? Thankfully, it's “Jesus” day AND her Lis is back home (she'd gone to some “camp” with friends, round Montgomery... and as HLS and I both agreed even as she'd left: It's too damp and chilly... yep... we were correct, so Lis is back at the house and HOPEFULLY they'll head up to the “French soup” luncheon... with-out me! I'll have time for washing and such...) Hey! I think I've just decided on no shower... I'll have some time during the day on Sunday! - YAY!

Sun.26.May: 1.12 No shower. No loo. I'll be “ill” when I wake up. I'm HOPING for the chance to shower and make a quick wash of clothes (and jammies would be nice too). - One “beverage”. - Feeling a touch “ick” but... - It's raining out there which is good for the transplanted hollyhocks of Saturday and the “plugs” of grass tossed about, and the “manure” placed at the phone shed, on the hollyhocks and “St. T.” flower-bed. Other-wise... it's bad for the trucks but... - I'm in jammies and ready to try for a “nap”. I can only hope. - Anyway, I managed to keep the G's Minds channel busy. That's nice. I need to add something to the site now, I suppose. But... there's Sunday for that. - 3.12 3 little beverages... I could stay up or... I'll nap. - Time spent on the “DA” Minds. The rain has stopped. The leaves on the maple out-side the window are burst open! I have to let it go, try for a bit of sleep... if only to function in the little time available. “Summer” is screeching at me. I'm not happy... - 10.14 up and out of bed an dressed at 9.39. Have had almost 2 coffees, bottle rinsed, guard rinsed, potty (but surprisingly precious little after all the eating and the horrid “need” last night), jammies in the dryer as I type. And my chest feels like a bag of stones, my head feels as if there's a sack on it. The breeze out-side is warm and damp. More rain in the forecast AND... according to the 14-day... no more “chilly” nights. HLS is (obviously) gone. But “aux 2 Clochers” opens at 13.00 so there's time for her to return from Jesus, grab her Lis and ask again “Are you sure you don't want to come with us?” No, I really don't. (I've no food for me here today, but... Lis is heavy, slow and not exactly the “cheerie” type to be around. The thought of being subjected to that for even an hour... not to mention, I'm certain that horrible things have been said about me to her so...) - I DO have “things” I can do with this day. Things for me... to pass the time. And I COULD go try to repair the hydrant at the green-house (though I'd prefer not... As I pointed out yesterday: Adam and I dug it up last time and SHE allowed her up-stairs trash spore to toss shit back into the pit whilst Adam and I ran about getting the parts and RE-digging. She even accused us of not mentioning it! Yeah? Thrice, if not more. Never mind.) Oh well... no matter what, I don't want to go and will do all I can to dodge. - Meanwhile, I could use a shower at some point. And, generally, I just don't have the stamina to put up with it all. - Moving along... it's humid, along with the warmth. Oh what a beautiful morning... not. - 13.07 Jammies and now blankies washed. The blankies are in the dryer. The skies are hazy, the air is “comfortable”. I've just put the newly-acquired South African music on the iPod and am about to venture out to the yard... to check the hydrant and perhaps, work on finishing the lilies, mulching and trying to “sort out” the daffodils. I just need to know that “my work here is complete”... soon. I don't much care, and don't much want to but, in life, there are necessities. Apparently I HAVE been spared the burden of being “polite” at “lunch” today because the resto is open now and there's been no word from HLS. (Of course not... I'm not worthy.) And so... off I go, to get some “air”, sun-shine (yeah, right) and more chores. (I can't wait to chat with Alden.) - 21.42 and in the room, nice and clean, having watched a “Memorial Day” concert with Mme. How charming. - Anyway... HERE'S THE SCOOP ON THE DAY: Yep... I DID get up and get right out at 13.00... and headed straight for the hydrant at the green-house. Had to run back and forth, trying to find the leak. Shovelled a bit deeper but I'm about 2ft down and can't discern where the fucking leak is, but I DID manage to get some good water pressure and filled the 2 barrels to the brim before giving up because the hole kept filling with water. It's going to take some doing. Figures... that wasn't on my “LIST”! Fuck. The “needs” just never end in this hole! Oh well... all is not lost. But I'd no sooner finished that and HLS came strolling in. She reaches into a bag and says “I bought you something.” and pulls out a can of “Flat Fix”. I was miffed. “Let's be clear. You didn't buy it for me, you bought it for you.” and that rolled into an argument that ended as quickly as it began because I went back out to the yard and... MULCHED THE LILIES! Weeded along behind the daffodils, got the straight line through and mulched! THAT WAS the last real item on my list too, but, as I say... the hydrant now. Fuck. But truth is, the lilies look MUCH better now and at least THAT'S complete! Of course, I HAD to mow the weeds that were tossed on the lawn so, out came the mower right away and... not only did the lilies get a nice trim, but the garden AND that one section that hasn't been mowed because it's been too mucky! It DOES look REALLY GREAT back there. AND... as I mowed, I got to listen to the “new” African music on the iPod! What WONDERFUL memories of those days when... By 18.00 I was back in, and headed to the store for a sammich and those “broken donuts” (which I'm having now, as I type here). BUT... the room NEEDED a Hovering and so, I just went to the parlour where HLS was reclined, asked if there was some particular Hoovering needed, just as her phone rang. The Balducs were coming by! So I Hoovered the kitchen, dining room and the little room and just as I finished, they arrived... rather cold, oddly. I was their PM! But, fukkem. I announced that I was off to shower. Mme. announced “This man's been out there working all day!” and I went off to the shower... AT LAST! When I came out, the Balducs were gone and I was offered and accepted a beer... and had my sammich with, at table. All was “well” again. Mme. was almost apologetic about the earlier row. She IS under stress because of the threat of being sacked. So I DO suppose I SHOULD be more sympathetic. But, even as I stated, I know what it's like... she's not the only one living under the stress of being sacked. But... none-the-less... at least it all settled calmly and nicely... again. - By 19.14 the day was done... off to watch the “concert” and... I put the flag up on the porch. There's a “parade” tomorrow, at about 10.30 I believe. The yard looks good (I was “thanked” for having it looking so nice for the parade... what-ever), and all is settled. - Sadly, I don't believe there's enough vodka for a reasonable drink tonight. But I'll have what's there. - In other news... IT'S GONE BLOODY HOT! Everything's bursting into bloom, even the grass seeds are starting to show! I've got the porch door open, though the windows are shut. It's coming to the season where the door will be open over-night... and I've got to figure how to open the window! I”VE GOT A WINDOW THIS YEAR! - And so... all settles. Another day is done. Another week-end, done. But most important of all: CLEAN! ME! THE BED! CLOTHES! CLEAN! - A bit of soc.med. and I'll be in bed soon... hopefully for a night of proper sleep.

Mon.27.May: 2.36 Got carried away with an animation of “Thanks” for the G's channel and here I am again... going for 3.00! But it's been PAINFUL! SEVERAL SPASMS... RIGHT THIGH, THE WORST OF THEM BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE MUSCLE TISSUE BEING PULLED FROM THE BONE! - But I'm off to the bed now. Let's see how this all turns out. I took 2 Robax at about 22.00... obviously... they're not working. - 10.13 And... A NIGHT STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK OF HELL! SPASMS SPASMS SPASMS... UP AND DOWN ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT! And didn't actually fall asleep until just about before the 8.00 alarm! Then, I'd set one for 9.00... heard that and THEN REALLY went to sleep... until 10.00 and now? Here I am... up and dressed and... let's just see where this all goes from here. Just a fucking delight. - 10.26 Grey skies. Slight breeze. Cool again. Mme. in the green-house, and all along the route... the locals gather... for the “parade”, due to commence at 10.30... and last until... 10.35. “Memorial Day”. Such fun. - I want to go back to bed. But I'm up and dressed. - As I stepped out to smoke, Hallie and Minou were both, at the green-house... and Minou came trotting over to bid me “Good morning!” WHAT a most precious little one, he is. WHAT a most beautiful way to begin a day, really. SUCH LOVE! And it's not for food or the likes. He just comes to greet. THAT'S LOVE! And I have as much for him. - Well? Let's see what “rolls” from here, where the day goes. - 16.42 Looks like peanut butter for “meal” tonight. - Mme. left at about 15.45 after putting in an order for her “Jesus” stuff. Truthfully, I could almost ache for her, knowing how they're trying to sack her. NOBODY should live under that stress! - Anyway... I'm off to see if the local store has bread. - 18.40 And yep... peanut butter and molasses for “meal”. 2 rolls. That's that for that and this. And after? A snooze for about an hour on the recliner. - The sun's finally up and out and full... as it heads for the horizon. It's warm. The breezes are chilled. And me? I'm all but ready to call this day “done” and go to bed. But hopefully, I'll feel the same at 21.00 tonight which is when I'd like to be in bed... “LIKE” to be. AND... a night of SLEEP! - Thought of ringing Alden this evening, but if he's out having a BBQ or something, I don't want to disturb so, there's tomorrow. - Speaking of which, I need to get that leak repaired on the garden hydrant too. I want to have things DONE... soon. - Just tired right now. - 22.43 Day's done. Been watching TV on the recliner. Hallie's on the sofa. Minou is... some-where in the house. I'm “congested” as usual. Just had my vinegar. I'm ready for lights out. No shower tonight. I didn't do anything all day so there's really no need. And, I'm just too lazy at the moment. - Funny: arthritis in the neck, emphysema in the lungs, spasms in the legs... but “nothing's wrong” and nothing “terminal”. Mum was still married, we were all living in Meadow Hill when she was Dx'ed with emphysema. So? Years ahead. Heavy chest and congestion ahead... but... never mind. - I'm contemplating ringing Alden and asking to see the place again. I've things I need to do with the money I have now. Perhaps he'd hold the place, maybe with a 500 deposit, until July, at which time I could simply take the place. I can offer to paint, replace carpets and such. By July I'd have another 1k or the 500 for rent. If you don't ask... 100% no... &c. Anyway, that's to sleep on and consider for tomorrow. Tonight's concern: sleep. - No “beverages” tonight. Tomorrow? We'll see what comes along. Meanwhile... time to wind-down. - 24.19 DONE!

Tue.28.May: 8.13 and the little ones have been out, back in for breakfast, back out, I've had coffee and smoke and such, and the recycling is out (with another 5 large bags of garbage which doesn't go out until tomorrow and will be there through today's rains and it's none of my business) and me? I was up with this morning's 7.00 alarm... dozed a bit and got out of bed at 7.58 though I don't know what happened between the 7.00 and 8.00 alarms because I don't believe I dozed that long. Last night, got into bed comfortably and in moments, the right thigh went into spasm! But for a mere moment. I laid properly, on my back (as it were), the spasm passed and I went to sleep... through the night. This morning? “Normal”... a bit heavy in the chest, stiff in the neck but obviously, up and about. Another day commences. - Fell asleep last night pondering: take the off-shoots/suckers from the lilacs on the South lawn and plant THOSE along the back fence. How lovely would THAT be? Eh? I mean, it's obvious the shit-bag is trying to spray over the fence line to kill the Box Alders. But... again... none of my business. If he does, it's not my concern. That 4 feet won't be mowed anyway and there's already quite the lovely crop of dandelions in spots. Since this “matter” is strictly between the shit-bag and I, I shall address as I see fit and necessary. Never mind the rest. - As for the rest of the day? I don't know, am not concerned and will see what comes when it's done. - Should ring Alden. Should get something to eat. Well... time will roll along no matter what... and so too, shall I. - 12.16 Noon. And the morning has rolled into after-noon. I'm still in jammies. HAD to put the furnace up from 60F to 68F because it was at 62F in the house. Thankfully, the radiator has been cranked-up in the room. Anyway, I've passed the morning on soc.med. “Otto Didactic” this morning, with references to the month of “June”, inspired by some “questionable” but “tasteful” references on another “channel” to the general topic (implications) of “Pride” and Gays. Oh well. Meanwhile, the recycling has been taken, the garbage bags remain and the cold rains are falling. I need to decide on something to eat at some point and... well... a nap. Why not? Eh? - 13.50 THE ATT CARD ARRIVED AND HAS BEEN ACTIVATED! 50USD MORE THAN I'VE HAD! (I could buy FOOD... or I CAN FIND AND BUY “PRIMATENE” because I see that it's available again... though, at Walgreens/CVS, neither of which are local.) I AM THRILLED! - Meanwhile, finally dressed. Went for the post and retrieved the recycling bin... in the rain. And now? I don't know... was considering a nap but, for some reason, breathing is better, appetite is good, but there's really nothing to be done and no excuse not to nap. Still... we shall roll on! - 22.06 and out of the shower, moustache and toe-nails trimmed. Imagine DAT! Eh? And tired as all Hell. Why “tired”. Because I did NOTHING all day... except go to the store for chicken patties and ice cream, had 3 patties, quite fried, on rolls and the ice cream after and there's my daily “nourishment” and a full account of my activities, save the 19.45 stroll with the little ones and serving of snax there-after. Oh... whilst on stroll, I took the violas out of the “bird bath” pot and put them into the pots on either side of the front steps and replaced the soil in the bird-bath pot. And so, there we have another well-spent day. Now? Vinegar, water, a smoke, soc.sec. and bed. Why? Because... Tomorrow is garbage to the curb and let's see how the weather behaves. Actually, from the looks of the news of late, rain is horrific across the nation. The middle states are flooding, tornadoes... it's quite the season for the Northern Hemisphere. Oh well.. The sad bit: the flowers won't be in bloom very much for very long. Alas. - Oh... and I MUST ring Alden tomorrow... Better to know than not.

Wed.29.May: 1.07 Off to bed... let's hope... to SLEEP! - 9.02 and I heard the alarms at 7 and 8 and dozed until beckoned by little Minou at 8.41! And now... ALL is done, including the cleaning of the litter box. The sun is shining. It's “warmish” out there. My chest is the usual morning “heavy”, and I'm the usual morning “prison palour”. Of course, I'd like to go back to bed but... garbage has to be pulled to the curb and... what-ever. So? So. It looks to be the commencement of yet, another day. So? Here we go again. - Pondering a bit of work on the hydrant and transplanting some lilacs during this day. Let's see how it all goes. The only way to know for certain: at end of day. Eh? - 9.13 All pages of on-line journals are up-to-date. Well... there's one item off the list. (Gee.) - 11.46 and after a morning-pissed on soc.med., the sun has disappeared, the temperature in the house is (furnace set back to 60F) “comfortable”, the garbage is being collected (extra bags and all... may she pay severely... they lingered a bit after picking it all up). I suppose it's time to “do” something with what-ever. The floors, &c. can be done later... along with the laundry. (And I have to ring Alden.) - 15.18
JUST CHATTED WITH ALDEN (who is in Mass., seems we met, he headed back and, as he says, hasn't done anything in the place... NO PROB!) AND... THE PLACE ISN'T RENTED, HE'S BUSY IN MASS. AND, TO QUOTE HIM “YOU'RE ONE OF US.” SO... SHOULD ALL GO WELL (and it had BETTER)... *** NEW YORK, NEW YORK YOU KEEP MY DANCIN', DANCIN'! *** AND IT MIGHT JUST WORK OUT FOR JULY! WOULDN'T IT BE LUVERLEE!!! I AM *** RE-NEWED!!! ***
And let's list the * ACCOMPLISHMENTS DU JOUR *
Put up another length of fencing in the “garden” line. Didn't run the length but...
Transplanted about a dozen lilac suckers along the fence-line (noticing the attempts to kill the trees... the shit)
Put a bit of “manure/compost” on the lilacs.
Cut round the “irises” and rhododendrons on the “South” lawn.
Put down 2 of the 3 bags of mulch on the “South” lawn.
Put down the last 50lbs of lime on the front lawn.
*** PULLED THE CART AWAY IN THE BACK YARD AND MOWED UNDER IT... CLOSE. ***.
And all that from since about 13.00. Oh... and fetched today's post as well! And, of course, most important of ALL things for the day... RANG ALDEN!!! FOR WHAT SEEMS... STUPENDOUS NEWS! So... SO... indeed, my resolve is re-newed, my energy is re-newed... my HOPE is re-newed and I have “furnishing” to occupy my nights before sleep and the visions of “Giant Mountain” through my windows... the ADIRONDACKS and THE NORTH COUNTRY. My heart... my heart... my heart. - And now? I'll dig a bit more on the hydrant (because) and then have to ponder “meal” and the house-work of the in-side. HEY! Why not? - 18.10 Well, I dug a bit more on the hydrant but my back won't allow any deeper. The leak? The down-pipe elbow, I suspect. Well? Little by little, I suppose. By 16.22 I was in and prepping “meal” which got done by just before 17.00! The remaining 3 patties on the remaining 2 rolls (but I went to the store for a small V8, ice cream and more rolls). And now? The hole has been “saged”, the dishes are all gone. The floors have been Hoovered. My jammies, pillow cases and bath stuff is in the dryer... done. And I'm “done” too. Tired! The sun is setting and so, the temperature on the porch is higher than the air. I saw, this morning, we're stuck in some sort of “Winter air”. Oh well. (But the grass seems to be coming up so, hopefully there'll be a drizzle, put the lime into the soil and... HOPEFULLY, Friday, I'll get to mow. From there? The only REAL item on my “list” is the hydrant, and for that? Well, if she REALLY finds need, she just might have to get somebody “qualified” to do it. I won't be killing (or hurting) my-self for this place any more. - Honestly, were it not so damned chilly in here, I could probably snooze. (I might just try anyway... for a little while... it's “that time” anyway.) - Thinking of ringing Ev. But I might just do that tomorrow... since there won't be anything of urgency to do. (Though, I'm stuck having to drive Ms. Mme. back to Richford again tomorrow evening.) - Kay... Sarah-Sarah. - 21.59 SHOWERED... clothes in the wash. I'm anticipating a tough night ahead though because I snoozed... 18-20.00! on the recliner! AND... my thighs are a bit on the “tight” side. Figures... it was a great night, last night, a great morning, this morning... and I ruined it with all the digging. Oh well... at least my *** WORK *** got done... I've earned my keep, as it were. - Never mind all that. I'm out for a smoke. I might steal a bit of rum... MIGHT. But I'm looking forward to NOT being awake ALL DAMNED NIGHT! PLEASE!

Thu.30.May: 1.11 And I've done it again... stayed too late on the soc.med. BUT... a thought: The “Gift Card” could be new speakers in the truck! (I'll have to consider a bit.) Anyway... time to hit the bed and think about how to furnish the new place... building a bed, doing something with the kitchen... how long I'll be. After all... THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE... THE ADIRONDACKS... a little place, little town, THE NORTH COUNTRY... - Anyway... had my vinegar... time to try (and hope) for sleep... painless, restful sleep. - 8.51 and... dozing through the alarms... up at 8.30. I OCULD have STILL been dozing, but Ms. Hallie came to fetch me and so, the morning rolls along. No wonder, about the dozing. I was up to the loo at 2.00. Then again at 4.00. Couldn't fall asleep for the longest while through the night. (Maybe that “nap” of TWO HOURS?) Oh, I was “decorating”, “furnishing”, even working on some way to semi-separate the bed-rooms from the kitchen. What-ever. I was “In NY.” but anyway... the morning is here, the sun is shining through a haze and OH YEAH... DRUMAC IS ON THE ROAD ALREADY... AND THERE'S THE “HINT” OF SHIT IN THE AIR! NOW THAT'S A MAJOR REASON TO LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING OUT OF AND AWAY FROM HERE! NO MORE BREATHING SHIT! Probably'll help my lungs! (Even now, as I type, there's the heaviness.) I've little-to-no doubt that leaving Newburgh when I did, kept me “around” for these extra years. (As I thought whilst trying for sleep... thus far, I'm 9 years OVER what I expected.) Going back to NY will probably give me another 5? Its all to be seen. - I wish there was some way to send a month's rent to Alden right away. But, perhaps we'll speak again, soon enough, and I can do so. Sort of like sending the rent from NYC to Fucklin. Anyway... - Here's the day and it's begun. Nothing on the agenda, save, driving Ms. Mme. to Richford... when-ever it decides to roll in. (Must be kind... it's not much longer.) TOMORROW, hopefully, I'll mow the lawn, for the week-end. How lovely. - Right now... dressing and floor mop. Day is done. - 13.01 Rang Ev. Chatted about New Russia until she got another call. She sounded a bit tired but she'd been to Waubeka for the Memorial Day week-end and is thinking of being there end of June... It was great to chat with her, though she sounded a bit “removed”. - Was just on the line with AAA and “insurance quotes” which are a bit higher than what I'm paying so... And AS I'M CHATTING... CAME THE “BEEP” FOR A TEXT
IF I DIDN'T HAVE CAUSE TO MOVE BEFORE... I DO NOW... HLS HAS BEEN SACKED! SHE'S AT THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE NOW. BUT THE VERY THOUGHT OF HER BEING HERE ALL THE TIME!!! INSTANT DEATH! AND FOR THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE I'M SURE IT'S GOING TO BE UNADULTERATED HELL! THE WHINING AND BITCHING. AND... THE EXPETATIONS OF SYMPATHY... OF WHICH I HAVE NONE.... IN RETURN FOR ALL THAT I NEVER RECEIVED. (I'LL NEED THAT VODKA NOW... SOON!)
I want to puke. - 14.18 I've just had 2 rolls, peanut butter and molasses and MUST note:
LET'S NOTE “FRIENDS”... INDEED... I'd no sooner made the previous entry when it occurred to me: HER BIRTHDAY IS WEDNESDAY! WHAT TIMING! (“Typical” as it is.) ANYWAY... Thoughts immediately went to her Pammie and Davie. She takes her “walks with Hallie” and always stops by there, so, THEY were, of course, first to come to mind for “support”. So I took a stroll up there. Yeah? Well...
IMMEDIATELY on arrival, Ms. Pammie had a “Petition” she wanted me to sign. Something about voters voting on the “sale of the school, for a dollar” based on the decision of the voters and not “the Board”. So I signed. WTF? Why not? BUT THEN what followed is rich:
WHEN I FINALLY GOT TO TELL OF THE “EVENT”... PAM'S VERY FIRST RESPONSE WAS:
“SHE'S GOING TO NEED THERAPY. WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS AS FRIENDS.”
“FRIENDS”? EXACTLY AS I'VE THOUGHT OF THESE DREGS ALL ALONG. “SHE'S GOING TO NEED THERAPY...” and “WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS AS FRIENDS.”
Fortunately, as Fate would have it, I got the opportunity to say:
She's told me “You don't have many friends.” to which I've replied “I don't see a well-worn path to your door, from 'friends' stopping by to see how YOU'RE doing.”
I KNOW it made NO impact on either of those 2, but at least it got out into the open... my opinion of them. Anyway, when I repeated the “birthday” event, the reply to THAT was:
“TAKE HER TO MONTRÉAL. TAKE HER TO CANADA FOR DINNER.”
Yes, *I* should “take her to Montréal”... *I* should do something to support and help. *ME*... *NOT THEM*. They have SO much to do of importance... to and for THEM.
It's another “Margot” situation, just as Helen said “You're going to need time away, you're going to need a break and I want you to know that you'll be coming to the house for dinner, at least, just to get away.” It NEVER happened. And Joe: “Are you kidding? We're all SO happy that you're here. You're keeping her away from OUR doors!” It's right back to the same shit: “Friends”. I don't have any... according to others, and yet, the proof and evidence settle the fact that THEY don't have any... and here I sit... back under a pile of utter SHIT! How delightful.
One thing that Pammie DID mention: She can work part-time... Home Care... After all, she was part of that other shit-bag service: Home Instead. Yes, she CAN work... if she wants to. But... I'm expecting more on the lines of “defeat”, whining of self-pity... a full-on, all-out PITY PARTY! And it makes me physically sick to even think about it. - Then too, Ms. Pammy, the “friend”, said “At least she's got that trip all planned and ready to go.” (The 10th of June, Jesus-selling with Yogi.) What comes of that is to be seen. Meanwhile... her and her “friends”. And of course, the Hellish brunt of all of this? MY face, MY lap, NO doubt.
I'm exhausted, just thinking about all of this. I do believe I'll nap. It's going to be a tedious, dark, Hellish night and I'm NOT looking forward to it. - Meanwhile, I WISH I could just send at least 500 to Alden, to ensure the place. I wish I HAD THE assurance that he'll rent to ME. Hell... I could use the time away to work on the place, get away from here for the mean-while. I'll be thinking about how to get that to happen... seriously and deeply. My health, physical and mental, depend on it now. - And so, the sun comes and goes. The breezes blow cool, the air, warm. There's a bit of rain over-night which is good to the transplants of yesterday. “All” is not “well”, but it's as good as it's going to be, and it's only going to get worse. So? So. - 20.12 Well... she's taking it all rather “well”. Drive up at about 15.30 or so, first words “I have to get the truck to Richford.” No prob. But first we had to scan documents, the e-mail them. Then came the “story” which I said we could do in the truck. Next came Dimballs and... AND... she shows him the box of stair treads and tells HIM that HE has to put them on! (WHAT A FUCKING HINT!) I said it was on my list, explained to both that I wouldn't do it unless SHE was in. And fine. He hands her the rent and... off we go. - Richford... nobody's there. We arrived 17.05. Left the truck and were off, directly back to the hole. - NOTE: THE BRAKES PULL TO THE RIGHT! FUCK! I HAVE TO CHECK WHICH BRAKES WERE REPAIRED! - Fine... back at the hole, chatting about the “sacking” over a baked potato and a beer. Luvlee. Shit. - She goes to the recliner, I “fix” the picture on the TV and... up I go to install the treads.., to find, when I arrive at the top... THE PLACE REAKS OF VOMIT!!! THE PORCH! THE RUG SHE JUST HAD CLEANED... OVER MY HEAD! THANKFULLY... ONE MORE MONTH OF THIS SHIT! (AND NOW... VOMIT.) - Fine... I'm just in from taking the little ones out for a stroll. Ms. Hallie is out of dry food, Mr. Minou is almost out of dry food AND snax. And let's see who's going to be paying... as if I don't know. - Thankfully, she's got a “parade” and “wedding” to attend on Saturday. I'll have the day to do what I do when I have the day. - Tomorrow, HOPEFULLY, the yard will be mowed for the week-end. - Meanwhile, I have to decide on how to get a “binder” to Alden. I'm NOT letting this place go! I NEED the security of knowing I've an escape! - So, yeah, tired. No snax for me tonight. No beverages either, sadly. I could use one. But better, I suppose, not to... tomorrow, weather permitting, I'll be out and about and busy... Tomorrow night? SHOWER at the very least. - Oh, when I told her about the vomit up-stairs... she shrugged her shoulders. OK. Fine. She'll be paying for the repairs/cleaning... AGAIN... not me. Some folks is just uneducable. - I'm tire of it all - 21.13 Well... the house is in bed except for Minou who is right here beside me, on the floor, as I type at the table. I wonder what's going on with him. What does he know/sense? Anyway, I don't mind... until I get ready to get into bed m'self. Let's see if he stays the night... preferably in his little bed. - 23.30 Well, I stood up to go to the loo, shortly after that last line and Minou got up and left so... Here I am, had my vinegar, soc.med. and now... off to last smoke, glass of water and to bed. HOPEFULLY, to sleep! I've got some things I want to get done tomorrow (and Mme. will probably want to run to the banque and such... NO! PLEASE!). - As she went to bed, I reminded her to ring the garage to tell them she'd left the key there... she insists she'll ring in the morning. Honestly... won't take positive advice. Oh well. Can't force. - I'm thinking that I NEED to ring Alden, TRY to get at least a month's rent to him! It would do me much good to know that there's a place to go to... to get out of here. - I'd worried about the little ones in my absence, nobody here for them, the days Mme. goes off to work and such, but THIS turn of events... well... she'll have them, they'll have her. It works. Perhaps it's a “message” to me? But, as for her being here alone, I'm not so sure that's a great idea. Still, I can't possibly keep “existing” the way I've been. - One other note on the reaction of her “friends”, the Pammie-Davie: PAM'S RESOLVE OF THE SITUATION WAS: “SHE'S GOT 2 KIDS WHO HAVE MONEY.” So there we have it... her “friends”. - I need to get to bed.

Fri.31.May: 8.40 and through the alarms I dozed again, trying to wring all possible moments of rest after a horrendous night of stomach cramps! WOW! I wonder WHAT I ate that I shouldn't have. 2 rolls, peanut butter and molasses, a baked potato and sour cream, 3 teaspoons of peanut butter. That was it. But did it EVER take a toll. Almost all through the night. Anyway, at 8.26 I got up, had coffee, got dressed, headed to the porch for a smoke (heavy-chested of course) and Minou comes running in, the kitchen door flies open and... the day commences... Mme. standing there with Hallie and a little chit, a little chat, and that's that. - It's 8° out there, with a forecast of 18° and sun to come. I'd like to weed the peonies along the drive and mow the whole yard today. Let's see how far I get (or not). At the moment though, I'd like to go back to bed. Never mind. The day has begun... the last day of the month. Tomorrow is JUNE! JEEZUS! “Summer” is just about here. It's going to be an “interesting” one at that. - I STILL get wrenched when I think: “She'll need therapy. We can't help her as friends.” and “She's got 2 kids with money.” It's another “lesson” for me though... “friends”... “We can't help her...” and “she's got 2 kids with money”. WHAT? Well... as has always been the truth, I'm not the only one. - Well, let's get rolling here. Time's moving... I'm not. - 10.15 and... we're off and ... what-ever. - 23.38 and WHAT A DAY! I WAS out the door at 10.15, headed right for the front drive and weeded the peonies. Moved directly on to repairing a large hole in the barn with the clapboard found in the up-stairs barn. 2 pieces got cut (by hand-saw) and tacked to the barn. VERY nice. They're “beige”, compared to the grey of the old siding, but the hole is now GONE! Next? With-out pause... the mowing... FRONT LAWN got mowed VERY nicely, indeed. Moved directly to the South lawn and then behind the house. Off to the Southern part of the BACK lawn, round the lilies, along the fence and down aside the green-house... off to the “garden” for a VERY good mowing. AH... WHILST MOWING THE BACK, SHIT-BAG CAME OUT OF IT'S STYE... IF IT SAID ANYTHING, I DIDN'T HEAR... I WAS LOST IN MY SOUTH AFRICAN MUSIC... AND IT WAS WONDERFUL! I BOOGIED ALONG. Next was the garden. From there, the rest of the back yard and the WHOLE PROPERTY IS BEAUTIUFLLY MOWED!!! I was done by about 14.30 when I came into the kitchen, and, whilst chatting with HLS... THE SHIT-BAG GOT OFF ITS MOWER AT THE END OF THE FENCE, WOBBLED THE LAST POLE ON THE STREET-END THEN ACTUALLY WALKED ONTO THE 5199 PROPERTY, TOOK THE LITTLE ROOT FROM THE FENCED-IN AREA ON THIS PROPERTY AND TOSSED IT ONTO THE FRESHLY-MOWED YARD. THE QUNT SAW IT! AND OF COURSE, GIGGLE LIKE A FUCKING RETARD. WELL... SHE GOT A FACE FULL OF “I HOPE HE'S NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO DAMAGE MY TRUCK - SHE HEARD TRUCK AND TURNED THE CHAT TOWARD “HERS”. “NO! NOT *YOUR* TRUCK! THIS IS ABOUT *MY* TRUCK AND IF ANY DAMAGE IS DONE WHILST IT'S ON *YOUR* PROPERTY, YOU'LL BE IN COURT... AND I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO BE IN A NY COURT.” SHE GIGGLED AGAIN AND I SAID “YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. I'LL BE CHECKING FOR A PUBLIC DEFENDER LAWYER.” At which point, we got into MY truck and I drove her into Anusberg where she wend to the banque, then insisted I fill the gas tank at Mobil, which I did (to the tune of about 45USD on here card... fuck). THEN we drove up to her Lis' because she wanted 3 gals. of syrup. Had it not been for the fact that I seriously needed to pee... I wouldn't have gone in, but pee trumps all and... in I went. Good thing though. Lis was looking and feeling quite well and we all sat and chatted. According to Lis, THE COOPERS (SHIT-BAG'S PARENTS) LIVED ON THE MIDDLE ROAD AND WERE AS MUCH A NUISANCE AS THIS ONE IS! IT'S FAMILIAL! (NO DOUBT, SEVERE INCEST.) So that put it all into perspective and so, I've renewed ideas for the fence-line (Rosa Rigosa, as suggested by Jes when he came to fetch some veggie plants from HLS as I was working on the lawn), knot-weed, and the “Cecil curses”. Ah... Sunday will be “Funday” for me! I'll find the knot-weed along a brook, no doubt, there are stands of it all around, the Rosa Rigosa is in the front yard, a few roots in the ground should do nicely, and the “Cecil curses” are all along the 5225 fence! Tah dah! Done! - We got back to the hole at about 18.30! SHE fed the little ones, I strolled to the store for a sandwich, some tuna-mac salad, donuts, choco-milk. (Almost 12USD... SHE didn't offer anything to eat... Imagine... even after all the work she watched being done. Typical.) - NOTE: En route back from Lis', I TOLD HER OF MY “CHAT” WITH HER PAMMIE AND DAVE AND THE “THERAPY” AND THE “KIDS WITH MONEY”. Says she, she'd rung Pam, Pam rang back... nothing was ever mentioned. OK. We see MORE of what we're dealing with here and I'm glad she's aware... she'd FUCKED when I'm gone! And I can't care. - OK. So by 19.18 I'd finished my “meal” and watched “Mock The Week” episodes on the uTube until almost 22.30 when the old thing FINALLY went to bed and I FINALLY, could head to the shower! - 23.28 and the shower was done! And right now, I've had a smoke, my vinegar, and this day is DONE! - I'm expected to drive the old thing down the road so she can attend a wedding at the barn there tomorrow at 14.30. (There's going to be a LOT of cleaning to be done on that truck come the 10th!) - And so... the day is done. I need to get some music on the G's Minds channel for the week-end. I'll work on that a bit since I don't plan on being up and about at any particular time tomorrow. She's going to a “parade” and “fest” in Anusberg tomorrow at about 9.30. So? No rush for me. I'm not working anyway... unless I'm encouraged to start planting... “Cecil curses”. But we shall see. - On my agenda for Monday... ringing Alden to ask if I could send him a month's rent... as a “binder”... I want to KNOW that I have a place to get to... now, more than ever before. I NEED to get the fuck out of and away from here. Obviously, I'll only continue to work for this shit-bag whilst she sucks at the other one. They're ALL fucking retarded and I can't tolerate any more. - Time to roll on... get this onto the site pages... the day is done, the week is done... the fucking MONTH is done... my patience is DONE! Seriously... I MUST get out of and away from this retard institution. I'm about to snap a cog. Bloody-fucking fed the fuck up with it all. - PS: My NOTCH appointment, regularly-scheduled for the 21 June, changed to the 19th. I wonder what we'll be confronted with then! Hmmmm.... no matter... I'm going HOME... to die, one way or another.