Mon.01.October: 0.56 - Have had 2 Teas and 1 tablet, but the lower back pain is horrid and the spasms in the feet is annoying. - Two episodes of “Midwife”, finished season 5 and BY GOD! They were teary! Sr. Evangelina written-off... died. - Had a bottle-pee and what was supposed to be “last smoke” and during which, an idea: to move the Highgate gate to the barn, replace with fence, trim a mower-width along the line and sow Box Alders along the Cooper fence! BRIL! - Fuck to Hell, these people here. Fuck to Hell this place! Let's see what Spring brings to the lot of them... especially the Coopers... with Box Alders along the fence-line. - A thought too, tonight: Peter said that I showed up when needed. Em and Ev both said that I'm where I'm “needed” until I'm not “needed and then I'm gone... just “go”... not on “good terms” nor “bad terms”... I just leave on no “terms” at all. It's really always been that way, through my life-time... even with “sister”. This one though, this moron, just won't learn. She won't get to where I'm not “needed”... for “something”. I've GOT to get her to the point where I'm not “needed” for ANYTHING. She's GOT to learn! Not sure how, but it's got to be done because I CAN NOT STAY HERE! Even Ev said: It's time to do what's “good” for me. Well? It's going to be tough... for all concerned. But I've got to do what must be done... what ever that might be. - Meanwhile, tomorrow... a “chore”, a “goal”, an “ambition”, something that must and will be done: that gate WILL be moved and that fence, installed, those seeds from the Box Alder will be sewn... and maybe that tree will be cut... or not... Hallie and Mimou DO like it so much. No sense depriving them. But those seeds... put there for a purpose... THIS purpose. And when Mme. is no longer here? Well then... those Box Alders won't be her concern any longer. Meanwhile... they won't be her concern... a point will be made clear... and who-ever moves into this house in future will be spared. I always thought of how to put a barrier there... Well? Here's the answer to my quandary. And a lovely answer, at no cost (again) at that. - I want one more smoke. - Fuck to Hell, these people. Fuck to Hell, this place. Today begins a new month. This month will be 7 years since I first stepped foot on this god-forsaken soil in this god-forsaken state. I will leave a memorial of my presence here: a barrier... much like the one I came to establish. - 10.22 and... NO WATER! WELL! No notice about it either. Oh well. - I didn't get out of bed until 9.36 and could, very well, go right back... especially since I'm the only one in the house (save, the little ones). Mme. is off to a “funeral” this drizzly sort of morn. But I've got “things” to be done: move the gate from the Highgate St. to the barn, fence posts and Box Alders! Let's see how much (if any) I accomplish today. (I feel like utter shit though, to be honest.) - 10.37 With a little “on-line” searching... found a “notice”, posted THIS MORNING, to the village Water Commission's Fessesbook page! At about 10.00 this morning, the idiots posted that the water will be turned off from Hanna, North-ward on Main. “Repairs to the water line”. Really? Turn the water off THEN post, to FB of all places, the notice that water “will be” turned off! This place is actually run by idiots, morons and retards. Welcome to “Shitholia”. Oh well... I wouldn't be bathing until this evening anyway... if at all. Fuck. - And I'm just still feeling as if hit by a truck... generally speaking. - 11.18 time to roll... I suppose. - 22.49 AT-FUCKING-LAST!!! THE DAY IS DONE!!! - Yes, at 11.18 I DID “roll”... dressed and out the door and shovel in hand and away I went to WORK!!! I LITERALLY DUG UP TWO BOX ALDER STUMPS... LITERALLY DUG, WITH SPADE! TWO! They're now well-fertilised, planted back by the fence to Dikwad's. PLANTED. Also, removed the gate from the Highgate street side of the yard and replaced it with a piece of fence. No more “sneaking” into the yard over at that corner. (Fuck you, Mr. Dikwad!) The gate is now beside the barn along with some new fence-postings and replaced fence! I mean... HEY SHIT! At 17.44 I took the last photo of today's work. Anoter 7-hour day of WORK, WORK, WORK. - One break though... Pammie's Davie came by to ask if I'd drive him down to the Swamp Rd. so he could fetch his car. Quite honestly, I'm rather honoured that he'd ask ME, and thrilled that I could give him the lift. Brought him, dropped him on his request and returned to finish my work. Mme. was still about when I returned. Apparently, she already knew of the trip. I wonder how... but I don't give a shit. Glad to be able to help. - Also... ANOTHER 100! When I asked what it was for, the typical “All the work you've done around here.” Yeah? Nice. Thanks. It would have cost you FAR FAR FAR MORE to have one of your cronies do all of that work. I mean... I don't have the total exactly but with today's work, it MUST be something in the vicinity of 30 hours at LEAST! So, even at that, it comes to about 3,33$/hr. And she acts all “Hoity-toity High And Mighty Generous”, tossing me 100. Well? It came in handy anyway... this evening. - I finished the work, went into the house to give the little ones their dinner, grabbed my “bag” (ID) and the cash on hand and... ROLLED OFF TO RICHFORD... VODKA... WETHERBY'S! AND, whilst there, I got 2 bottles of tonic and a box (12 fucking dollars) of “Banquet” fried chicken (which had only about 5 pieces... I should have gone to KFC... but that's in St.Albans and honestly... I LOVE GOING TO RICHFORD!)! Zoomed back to the shit-hole, tossed the chicken in the nuker and grabbed the Hoover... the floors are done! In the 9 minutes it took for the chicken, I did the Hoovering! DAMN! By then, I was SO bloody hungry! I wolfed the 3 pieces of chicken then went for the “pizza” that Mme. had made. THAT tasted rather nasty. But it was “sustenance” and that was all that was important. - By then... it was almost 20.00 and the little ones had actually settled for the evening. So... it was “wind-down” time. I tossed bed-linens in the wash and relaxed a touch. - And so... now, the work clothes are being washed, the rest is done. I'm having a v-ton... but I didn't get “munchies” but that's no problem really. I'm grateful for the vodka tonight. - Meanwhile, Mme. DOES know of somebody who'd enjoy the concert on the 21st but she's still insisting that she wants ME to go. Yeah.. of course... to drive her and her Maryrose. I think NOT! So, it looks like I'll be “on the road” on Sunday, 21st. No prob. Just as long as I'm NOT on the road in Montréal or en route to... with her and her crony. Non, merci. - Well? I hear the wash trying to go into a spin. How wonderful. - Oh... Alone in the hole again tonight. Last I heard, the Twats are OUT! They'll come back on Thursday for a “walk-through”, return the keys and expect to get their security deposit. (I never told them... and Mme. asked again, today, about the damage to the corner siding... and mentioned the fumigation... she's slick.) THEN... her “new tenant”... who she claims to have investigated (she's so full of shit) wants to move things in during the month of October! She's giving him a lease from the 1st November. (I told her I'd find her a “standard lease”. She said she'd appreciate it and read it over. She doesn't and she won't. Moron.) - Day's done. Time to enjoy the v-ton and perhaps a bit of “Midwife”. - Tomorrow is “recyclables”... but always, as usual, 8.00 breakfast for the little ones. There never really is a day of just nothing to do. - And there are 6 fence-posts to be put in going back to the back fence... but I'm in NO hurry for that, at all! (And the lawn needs a complete mowing... no rush for that either... it's all best done whilst “she's” about... keeps me busy, occupied and away.) - That's what I've done today to make me feel proud.

Tue.02.Oct: 2.12 How odd... the hour... the area code. - Just waiting for “Midwife” SE06E02 to... well, look at this, done, at last... LONG, FUCKING LAST! THREE tries and a re-boot of the fucking router. - Well, there was something I thought I wanted to journal but I can't think of what it was. So... aside from the now worry about the truck passing inspection... I suppose I need a “nap” after my 1,5 v-tons. In a few hours... breakfast is to be served. Then, recycling out. One tub this week. Things are changing. Hopefully, this is all indicative of a near future. - Let nothing stand in the way of November now. Nothing. - 10.47, exactly an hour after I woke and got out of bed (at 9.47!). I can't believe the little ones let me sleep-in this morning! And I can't believe I actually laid there, asleep, until that late in the morning! Well, it certainly shortens these already shortened days. Not that there's anything particularly pressing on the agenda anyway. And, the rain I “requested” last night, to water-in the transplanted tree stumps is falling quite regularly this morning. (Bad thing: it's a cold rain. Still, it's water, and that's what those stumps need to dissolve the fertilisers they were given.) - I managed to sleep rather well-enough through the night (as I recall), and woke feeling no better nor worse than any other day. - And so, the little ones have had breakfast, I've had “loo time”, the recycling ha to go to the curb this morning, the wood-stove needs to be cleaned. After that? Well... it's “Simchat Torah” today. Good thing there was no planning of “dancing in the streets” today. - I've a letter to Denis started, from last week (or the week before). I should write Donna. Nobody else is in the house now... it's rather a strange reality. So, time to decide what clothes to change into and get on with what needs to be done and have done with it all. The day will roll on, no matter what, and at the end, we'll see what has been accomplished and what has not. - The rain is welcome too, to settle the soil round the new fencing, the diggings and such. (The lawn wouldn't be mowed until Thursday or Friday anyway... I want HER here when it's done, to “share” in the joyful conditions she's created by her negligence.) Oh... no sense in bothering with/about any of it. Just do what can be done... and move along. - (I've got to get these “14 pages” of “local journalling” posted out today too.) - 12.01 And the ash-bucket is empty, recycling at the curb, wood re-stacked in the garage (she'll have to make do with the smaller bits... I'm saving the larger for her absence at month-end), and there's a hefty stack in the kitchen (which was by error because I intended to stack ONLY what I'd need for today and tomorrow but...). A quick re-Hoovering and... for the most part, the “house-chores” are complete, save the damp mopping. I need my second coffee now too. (And then, at some point, I should, most likely, find some food for later... for me?) - 12.14 Re-Hoovering done... Second coffee! (And it's too wet out there to work in the yard so... MY DAY.) - 14.10 Nap time! - 22.14 Again... later than I'd like... but I had an hour's nap this afternoon and about 45 minutes this evening, on the recliner. Oddly... I'm still “exhausted”! (Mostly, I believe, the pain in my neck, left side.) And the day rolled... raining through-out. No complaints. I suppose it'll be “OK” for the water supply, which they've claimed to be a drastic, horridly low level. But it IS good for the transplanted stumps. So I won't complain about that. - “Did” with the day? Nothing. Most interesting thing: Looked-up what “inspectors” inspect on inspections for cars. Mostly superficial, some mechanical and a “frame”... which is where the rockers come in. Well? There's only ONE way to KNOW for certain, whether or not the truck will pass and that's to GO. (I just don't dare to take it to Mike because I already know that one, at least, of his mechanics, will fail it, based on the rockers... I'm beginning to think, believe, that his “new mechanics” aren't really to be trusted too much.) - Which brings me to the message of 12.18 today... from Mme.: Rain rain rain here today. My oil pressure alarm went off yesterday just as I was entering E.T. (East Terrace) so I called Sears & got an appointment for Thursday morning sure hope it's nothing major. Hope Ms. Hallie & Minou are ok (smiley emoji)” I didn't and won't respond/reply. I don't really care. Can't care, really. - So, time for a smoke, turn out the TV and lights, perhaps a light v-ton (no munchies) and MAYBE I'll get through an episode of “Midwife” tonight? - Still raining out there. The stove's been kept burning through the day to keep the dampness out. (I work from Monday evening through Wednesday to get the chill out of this place, and she comes in and makes sure it all comes back... for the next 5 days. Moron.) - Time to wrap it up.

Wed.3.Oct: 2.06 against my determination and resolve... 2-fucking-o'clock in the fucking morning again! I suppose I should resign myself to getting broken sleep... naps, as they are. But it's bloody annoying. AND... not to mention... foot-steps in the house! At bloody 1.30 in the bloody-fucking morning. I don't know where, who or how. Hallie? Perhaps. But I found her on the sofa. Not Mimou... he was sound asleep on his chair. They're so secure with me here, I suppose. But this is on my nerves. (I wish my “Moriah” was... I just wish it was.) - Well? Simchat Torah is done. The rains are still falling. This house, this town, this village, this “hamlet”... still hateful. Time for last smoke and try for the next nap. Even “Midwife” got fucked up a bit... the fucking Internet got cut. But I got it. I'll have to splice and quicken. But... - Enough... smoke and nap. Fuck me. - 9.48 and a mere 6 hours after lights-out... Mimou came to get me out of bed. I'd set the 7.30 and 8.00 alarms but was half-dozing when I “got the call”. 8.12 and up and out of bed and rolling along. Let the little ones out, try to re-start the wood-stove, clean the litter box (and be reminded, yet again, how many times the old woman hasn't even bothered with it), serve breakfast, gather the trash, RUN to the loo where this morning's BM required a “shower wash-up” after. I believe it's the “pizza”. I should have known better than to eat it anyway... it tasted rather “sweet”... in an “off” sort of way. Well? “Cleansing”... if not out-right “poison”. (My jammies are in the wash as I type.) Loo-run done, dress and haul the one bag of garbage (I opened the one she'd left on the porch and added this morning's) to the curb and have a smoke. - Well? I suppose I can't really complain. It's all done... and the washer just clicked for the end of the cycle. Dryer! - My neck is REALLY SORE this morning. Teeth? Clot? Embolism? We shall probably never know. I don't/can't/won't care... so long as I can still “function”. - On with the day. I can “nap” in a little while. - 10.07 AND... the Journals are up to the moment (save, for this comment). I should work on the photos for the “DA-LN” though... something to pass the day. - 15.48 and I've gotten my “stationery” printed. Not bad. Not as I expected, but not bad. And that's about the end of my list of “accomplishments” for the day. As if I care... as if I should care. I can't care. - Chilly out there. Grey. Wet. But the stove is just now getting to warm the kitchen... since this morning's stoking. KRISTE! Here we go. - Thought: I need to “exist” on no more than 300 per month for a while. Hopefully, nothing of “importance” will go wrong with the truck in the next few months. I need to get the funds together to get the fuck out of here. It's not going to be easy but... I did it once, to get the truck, I must do it again because getting out of here is of TANTAMOUT importance. - Well... now to figure what to eat for today. I'd like KFC but I don't like going all the way into St.Albans for it. Pizza? From the store? 10 bucks just for that and that's only one meal for me. And it's cash... that I don't really want to spend. But it appears I'll have no choice. Well? I have to pack in the calories today... the “lean” days of Mme. being about are to come. Thankfully, I know she won't be rolling in at 8.00 tomorrow morning. Appointment at Sears and all. - I had a nap of about an hour. I could use another. But too late for that right now. (No doubt I'll have another before bed-time anyway.) - 22.20 I was SO hoping that I wouldn't be entering anything after 22.00... I was SO hoping that I'd be entering at 21.00-something. But... never mind. -

A VOICE MESSAGE... FROM ***** DENIS ***** AT 21.59, WHILST I WAS IN THE SHOWER!!! FUCK!!! I HAVE IT RECORDED AND STORED ALL OVER THE PLACE (AND WILL BE PUTTING A COPY HERE, ON THE SERVER JUST SO I HAVE IT NO MATTER WHERE I GO IN THE WORLD)! “I LOVE YOU”. THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER REALLY WANTED AND NEEDED TO HEAR FROM HIM... ALL MY ENTIRE LIFE, THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER WANTED TO HEAR FROM HIM. AND TONIGHT... I'VE HEARD IT. AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS ANY MORE. IMAGINE... WAITING 46 YEARS TO HEAR! AND TONIGHT... IT WAS ASSUREDLY, REPEATED. AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE IN THE WORLD I ACTUALLY WANT OR NEED TO HEAR, KNOW... “I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WHERE YOU ARE.” HE SAID. NO, I'M NOT HAPPY WHERE I AM, PHYSICALLY, BUT WHERE MY HEART IS? I'M *WAY BEYOND* “CONTENT” RIGHT NOW. THANK YOU, DENIS. THANK YOU.

And so, I'm showered. Clothes are tumbling in the dryer. Everything, including me, is clean. Tomorrow, I'll quick mop the floor and get on with what-ever it is I can and need to do. (The “need” is to put the posts in for the garden. That's the “need” for this shit-hole. The other “need” is to get coffee, some items from the pharmacy. And the one last “need” is to get out of the trip to Bocelli... and that's going to be difficult, only because somebody else will be working diligently, on making it so. But, tonight, the fact: I'm expected to go in order to be the driver! It's not a “gift”... it's a “payment” for being the driver. So? Never mind the “payment” for the “service”. Now, she can go with her cronies... Surely her Maryrose has paid her ticket. What happens with the other is none of my concern. I'm tired of the bull-shit. I mean, let's just look at the yard-work that was just done in 2 days: How much did it cost her? Nothing. Nothing in materials. Nothing in time. Nothing in “billable” time that she'd pay her in-breeds. The 100? Surely that's ASTOUNDINGLY LESS than what she'd have to pay somebody else. Even if her Davie did it, there'd be some sort of remuneration due... some sort, some-how at some point. I mean, even of late, Pammie and Davie want corn stalks. They've got a wagon full of pumpkins in their yard that yes, they purchased, but over the years, they were quick to come get freebies from the garden... last year, they came for corn stalks... and this year? There are no pumpkins... and none are being offered. So? So... I've no shame, no guilt, no responsibility, no debt.) - But the stove is heating the house. The room is 24°. And it's time to settle in and settle down for the night. Yes, a v-ton. I've a bag of crisps. I got them when I went to the store this evening for chicken fukktiz for “meal” and my ice cream. - My tongue is sore of late. “Irritated” for some reason. Taste is “off”. I can taste savoury, but not sweet. I could taste the sauce (mustard, ketchup, HP and some of the horse-radish cheese spread) but not the vanilla ice cream. It's been like that for a while now. I wonder... but I don't “concern”. - Anyway... time to wrap this shit up. All that matters now is that message from Denis. That's all... that's all that matters. - Tomorrow? It will be what-ever it becomes at the end. (And I have to include some time to get something to eat too. There'll be no eating... never of Thursday.)

Thu.04.Oct: 1.47 Two episodes of “Midwife” that touched the heart. Both recorded. - Just in from a smoke on the back porch. Sounds of foot-steps” on the house porch again. Last night too. Messages sent to Mme. No reply to last night's. I don't expect any from this one either. - Denis said that I'm a “traveller”. Little does he know: I don't want to be. It's what I do to simply move along through my time. Nobody knows, really. And if they did, nobody would care either. It's the way it is, with some people. We just blow about, like dust in a breeze, leaves on the wind... It's the uneducated judgement that annoys. It doesn't “hurt”. I've no ability to “hurt” any longer. That part of me is really dead. I can still cry. I've done so watching “Midwife”... many times now. But it's not “hurt”... not for me, not about any of my life... it's more because I remember the guys at Bellevue... I wonder if any of them can “hurt” any more. Probably not. Or, maybe some still can. Poor bastards. Better to be bitter. The anger is easier to handle. It doesn't touch the heart... and can't get to the soul. People... in general, are useless, self-serving bags of fetid shit, festering abrasions on this Earth. It's the hypocrisy that angers me most. I mean, if you're a miserable cell of cancer, own up to it, admit it, and do what you do... destroy, slowly, gnawing away at what gives you life. Don't play on others as if we're ALL completely stupid, ignorant. Don't insult along with devastating. But, I suppose that's what I'm “here” for... to learn to deflect that as well. - I wish I had the energy to sit and write... to Denis. If I hadn't had the 2 v-tons, I'd get into the truck and head to the Valley right now. I never got the opportunity to just hold him, with educated, mature love. I'd like, very much, to do that now. I know it's not all equal, the sentiment. I know he's grown as hard as I have. But I'd like, very much, just to hold him, very close, with the knowledge that I have today and, if it were at all possible, pull every bit of his “hurt” out of him, take it as my own so that when I go (probably before him), I can take that all away. - “I hope you're happy where you are.” he said in his message. I'm not supposed to be “happy”... no matter where I am. I'm just supposed to be where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there. And when I'm no longer supposed to be here... I'll “travel” again. But I AM “happy”, and now, “content” having heard those words, in his voice, and I know the past 46 years weren't just folly. - I suppose it's time for a nap. I managed on that last night. I can do it again. Tomorrow will be a bit more stressful, what, with her back. But there are fence posts... and if Nature obliges, if the grass dries, there's lawn to be mowed. There are things, chores, duties that will keep it all “mild”. But for now... I could use a bit of rest... just a nap. - PS: The chicken fukkitz are gone... so too, the evidence of them. It's nice to have the wood-stove back. - 9.41 I was up and out of bed by 8.30 and now... dressed, Hoovered, mopped, the truck moved to the front of the house because it's really quite windy and there's a RAIN in the forecast for about 10.00. Of course, the little ones have been fed and out. Hallie's back in. Mimou's left a chipmunk on the back porch. and it's rather exceedingly warm in here this morning. It's rather “nice” out-side as well... today and tomorrow are expected to be warmer than usual. - And so, I'm still feeling as I usually feel each morning: Slammed by a semi. - Noticed Mme's calendar: Some appointment tomorrow at 11.30 and then working on Saturday (Saturday being good for me in case I need to make a wash or something. - What I do need to do is get to the market and pharmacy. But... I don't like to travel unless I know somebody's here with the little ones... just in case the truck breaks-down. I know... I'm just quite stupid. - Well... on with what-ever. My “chores is dun.” - 12.02 The rains came and passed. More to come (they say). Time for nap number 1 for me. - 13.17 and nap 1 done. - 15.00 Been writing to Denis... and I could use another nap... mostly because I'm hungry, can't think of what to eat, don't want to go to the store, don't want to drive to the market... The rain's stopped but I just don't want to be bollocksed. I'll be MORE than that if I don't bother attending matters... I don't know what time RiteAid Enosburgh closes... I'll nap and then check and then decided what to do with the rest. (Mme. is, of course, crashed on the royal recliner and my truck is parked at the garage because of today's wind.. no “sneaking” out.) - 23.52 Just wrapping up a 6-page letter to Denis that I started this after-noon! - The rain stopped at about 16.00. But the oddest thing: Porky C. was out there, IN THE RAIN, mowing his lawn! Moron. But I can't help but wonder: was it because he HAD to get out of the house and away from the sows? If so... GOOD! - Mme. returned some time after noon but before the 16.00 “lawn mowing” incident. Dropped by the room door en route to the loo. Said her usual “Everything alright here?” and went on about her business, as did I. No sense wasting words with her. Of course, when I stepped out, she's got “plans” for “help” changing bulbs in the ceiling fan in the kitchen. She says she'll get the replacements on Saturday when she returns to BTV (to work). Fine with me. - The Twats came by for a “walk-through”. She claims she mentioned the “animal smells” and Mr. didn't deny. She mentioned the damage to the corner of the porch and they didn't argue. BUT... they weren't gone 30 minutes and... SHE LOST THE KEY! She says she put it in her pocket... but it's gone. She suspects she locked it in the flat. (They're expected back at some point though... I don't know why she thinks that's good... They should have given her ALL keys. But... that's none of my business.) She's losing it... as I've known all along. - And so, the evening rolled into 19.00 and I was invited to a “Kaluah and milk” or what-ever with some cheese. That's the extent of my daily food in-take. I'm not bitching. I knew it would be so if I didn't go get food m'self... and I didn't... I napped for another hour. - Watched a few moments of TV with her in the living room and came to finish my letter to Denis. She went to bed at about 22.00. - So, this day is done. I've 8 pages (9 with the map I'd printed of the distance between here and NBG) to post later (tomorrow?). And I'm having a v-ton... just on account of because. - SHE expects me to paint that flat up there for “I'll give you at least 200$ for the work.” and the stair-way. AND she's allowing the Twats to delay and delay their ultimate departure AND she says she's going to let the new fellow move things in before the 1st November. Yeah? She's asking for shit and sadly, she's going to get it. I won't be accused of trespassing! And I don't doubt it'll happen... knowing these shit-bag in-breeds. The future is looking “interesting”. - But for now, it's turned a rather “warmish” day and night. 10° now and tomorrow's high to be 11 and sunny. Wednesday: 24/31 and 14 at night! Rain, of course. Looks like Mother Nature's going to dump and entire Summer's worth of rain on us in a matter of weeks. So much for the “leaf peepers” and that sort of shit. - But for tonight, it's about where it's going to be and the room's quite warm so I've no complaints (save a touch of hunger). - All of what I'm writing to Denis is giving me contentment. I'm catching him up on SO many things in my life-time (like the mention of the cottage cheese, A&P, Drury Lane... in this letter to be posted). I'm living just long enough to get the “secrets” out. AND, I'm living just long enough to let him know that I've been in love with him for... I calc'ed it... 73% of my entire life-time. Yep... I'm beyond “satisfied”... I'm actually “content” now. - Finish the v-ton... I doubt there'll be tele. I've got errands come Friday. A “nap”... again... it what 'twill be.

Fri.05.Oct: 1.52 No tele tonight. Seriously hoping for nothing more than a nap. Things to do later. Maybe a stop at the Sheriff's office about Porky and the Mme. here. What-ever. There are things to be done... and the truck needs to be run. So... one last smoke and to nap. (Post office too... long “note” to m'Denis!) - 8.42 I woke, on my own, round about 6.45 but went back to sleep. Heard the 7.30 alarm and laid in bed until the 8.00. At 8.12, Hallie started barking constantly. I got up, turned the lap-top on and went back to just “doze”. Not feeling well this morning and it occurred to me why: I didn't eat again yesterday, save the fucking cheese. (Oh... and 2 Weetabix which I had whilst finishing the letter to Denis.) So! It's going to be an interesting day. - 5° out there in the sunny-shine. High of 11 and tonight... 3. Just think... Wednesday, if the forecast is to be believed... is going to be HELL! - Anyway... time for coffee and to figure how/what to do with this day. - 11.05 And the sun is shining... the air is chilled, and I'm running out of energy... and ready for first nap of the day. - Been looking for “souvenir” stores in Plattsburgh... There's NOTHING left! Everything points to the mall... and I've been there, done that, won't waste my time. There's a little place called “ADK Trading”... in Lake Placid! I don't want to drive all the way to Lake Placid! This is more involved that I'd thought it could be. - Well... I do believe Mme. has some sort of appointment at 11.30 some-where. Hopefully it's not here and I can sneak a 20-minute snooze in before heading out to the day. I've got some items to get at the market and pharmacy. Just trying to decided between St.Albans and Enosburgh. Other than that... fence posts and lawn mowing. Alas... AND GETTING THIS LETTER TO DENIS POSTED! - 21.35 and it feels like 23.25! Mostly, I would imagine, because of not eating yesterday and all day today *** AND HAVING FINISHED THE FENCE IN THE BACK GARDEN!!! YES! I DID IT TODAY. IT TOOK ABOUT 2 HOURS, IF NOT LONGER, I DIDN'T KEEP RECORD THIS TIME. BUT I WAS DETERMINED THAT IT WOULD BE COMPLETE TODAY AND SO NOW, IT IS... INCLUDING WIRING THE GATE POST SO THE PRIMARY GATE SWINGS FREELY NOW!!! AND, I GOT A QUICK MOW ALONG THE FENCE AND CLEANED THE BERRY BUSH OUT! AT ABOUT 16.30, I HOPPED INTO THE TRUCK AND HEADED INTO ENOSBURGH WHERE I WENT TO RITE AIDE FOR SHAMPOO, LISTERNE, AND SUNDRIES... THEN HEADED TO HANNAFORDS FOR 3 JARS OF COFFEE, 2 TONICS, PACKAGE OF FRANKS (having one now), &C.! MADE IT BACK BY ABOUT 17.30! AND... THE OLD THING DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT I'D GONE! I MEAN, SHE'D GONE “FOR A WALK” ROUND THE BLOCK (AND TO VISIT MS. PAMMIE) AND HAD TO COME IN VIA THE DRIVE. DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT MY TRUCK WASN'T IN FRONT OF THE GARAGE! SERIOUSLY! - Also got to have a look at the flat up-stairs. Aside from the “drop ceilings” and the low door-ways, it's really quite a nice space with SO MUCH potential! Stinks though... of mild “animal” and old, stale sweat. But then, those beasts never opened the windows so of course it stinks. Mme. has asked that I wash some windows and paint the “main” bed-room (the rooms are TINY!!!! But the “living-room” is quite a nice size and the kitchen has room for a small table) and has said she'll pay me for the service. BUT... I've got until the 20th to get it all done... along with painting the stair-well. Yeah? Well... let's see how it goes. The Twats were supposed to come back to finish cleaning this evening. They didn't. Well? Fair is fair and legal is legal and legally they now owe her for “hold-over”... not to mention the damages. And oh... the loo is a MESS! A bunch of out-right slobs, those things up there. It looks like they didn't clean in all the time they were in residence. Anyway... Next week I'll be into the painting. (And to think... Denis asked me to come back to Newburgh for a visit this month. It doesn't look as if that's about to happen. Oh well... I need the truck checked again before the Catskill trip anyway.) - So, I got back, Mme. offered a beer and she'd cooked stuffed cabbages. She had 4, I had 3. They were small... but sufficient for the time. Sadly, for me, they turned my appetite on and that's why I've just had 2 franks and am looking forward to some crisps (with, of course, v-ton). Admittedly, it was rather difficult working on the fence today. I was shaky... not strong. But I managed to pound the 6 posts in, secured the fence with “zip-ties” for now and tidy the yard up. So... WORK got done! Mowing is next... Sunday, I should think. No doubt, Porky will be screeching again. Oh well... Poor shit... I've begun sewing Box Alder seed-pods along the fence as well. The “war” is on. It would be nice to see how/if they take and grow, but truthfully, I don't want to be here come the Spring. (May the truck be well and pass inspection in 2 weeks! PLEASE! I've worked hard enough to deserve THAT much... AND the trip to see Dorothy.) - Posted the 7 pages to Denis today. Imagine that. Double postage. It should go well. - And now? I'm showered and have commenced the “treatment” to the spots on my forehead with “the good stuff” that I got at Rite Aid today. Let's see how THIS works. I do NOT want to look like some horrific old shit. Bad enough I'm starting to smell like one: between the sour sweat and, for the past 2 days, smelling like “mutton”! It's fucking disgusting! So... I'll do what I can. - Meanwhile... time to toss into the bed with a v-ton and perhaps an episode of “Midwife”. I didn't have tele last night. - Mme. will be out of here round about 7.00 tomorrow and the day will be MINE! (In preparation for Sunday... lawn... painting... cleaning...) - Well? That's what I do to keep a roof over MY head, walls round the rest and a floor beneath. That is all. - Oh... it's supposed to get down to about 3° tonight! Must be doing so even now because I'm beginning to feel the “chill” coming up from the floor. Thank goodness for the radiator. - Oh... the quarters in the old “Camel Blue” pack? Reached 20 today! One box down... let's see how long the next one takes. And the 5s are up to 7. (I'm actually scared shitless... When I manage to save some money... something usually comes to snatch it away. NOT THE TRUCK! PLEASE! NOT THE TRUCK! ... Amen.)

Sat.06.Oct: 0.27 Two episodes of “Midwife”.. Tonight was 1962... next comes 1963... I was 7... I was 8... Stewart Heights. Horrors. Beatings. Cindy in the bed, crying. The old man throwing records, 7-inch 45s, against the wall. Music. I loved it. He hated it because I, and Mum, loved it. It's been a painful, crying, silently sobbing night. 2 v-tons. Memories of then... memories of Denis. - Today, when I got the fence done I said, to Mme. “I can drop dead now.” She said “I don't think so.” No? I've told my Love just about everything I need to say, and he's said the words I've live all this time to hear. No? Yes. I CAN drop dead now. - 1.02 AT 20.06 I MISSED A CALL FROM DENIS. AT ABOUT 0.40 I GOT THE MESSAGE: “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” WHAT... THE... ACTUAL... FUCK? 46 YEARS! NOW? I CALLED BACK. LEFT A MESSAGE. I HAVE TO TALK WITH HIM WHEN I WAKE UP. What do I have to offer? I'm not going to give up the North Country. Will he come here? I'm having another v-ton. Hopefully it'll do what drinking used to do: cut short the time of sleep. I've got “a day” ahead of me. If I hadn't already had two v-tons, I'd be in the truck, heading to The Valley right now. Ah... Fate. - I'VE BEEN PROPOSED TO! SUNNUVABITCH! AND BY THE MAN I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH FOR 46 YEARS! 73% OF MY LIFE-TIME! SUNNUVABITCH!!! - 2.04 Last smoke. - 10.08 Didn't really bother with the alarms this morning... but at 9.30 it was time to get up. I'd had a third drink before going to bed this morning, so there were 7 hours of “sleep”... not quite enough to kick off the booze. Dreary-groggy this morning. And, of course, the Twats were up-stairs, banging about. They've just left, after dropping by to “chat”... Mrs. anyway. AND they still have a key! I keep thinking: You'd NEVER get away with this in the civilised world... this holding-over, and over and over. Honestly though... none of my business. And I'd no plans to work up there today anyway. So? So. - Meanwhile, I had the oddest DREAM: I don't recall most of it, but part of it was them cleaning the flat up there (it must've been the noise mingling with my sleep). But the one incident that I DO recall is being up there, or down here, and chatting with Mme. about the clutter they'd left. She picked up the glass and my clench-guard and made some sort of comment about it and threw it/them into a box of garbage! I commented to her that that was MY glass, and I thought “I bought that at Goodwill and I've particularly liked that glass! And it's MINE!” When I told her that it was MY glass, she shrugged it off and fippantly said “Oh well.” thinking it was broken. (I'm not sure if it was or not but I was LIVID... but quietly tried to decide what I'd destroy of hers in return.) That's all I can recall. Now I wonder... what does the glass symbolise? What does it mean? What is she going to destroy? Or, what HAS she destroyed? There's something in my mind that connects with it. Or... is it a “premonitory” dream? Time will tell. - Clothes are washed. Time for the dryer. I worked in my “non-work” clothes yesterday. They're not “dirty” but they're not “clean” either. So... - As for the “event” of last night/this morning... the “proposal”... as usual, best to “sleep on it” and I'm thinking about it with a different perspective. “Marry me”? Why? I'd made a bit of a list before going to bed. Yeah, I'll marry you IF... you come to the North because I'm certainly NOT going back to the south. I'll take care of you as I've taken care of just about everybody else in my life-time, and certainly, with-out grudge, but what will be “ours” will be “ours”... not “yours” and “mine”. No “free rides”. Ground rules. I almost KNOW he won't come up here. And even if he would, I seriously doubt he'd last up here. It's a shame, really, that I don't have a place right now. Though I'm entertaining the notion of bringing him up for a week... whilst Mme. is in Florida. I'll pay his fare on the train, pick him up in Rouses Point, bring him here and then back to the train. Not exactly “Winter” but close to it. I don't know. I'll have to see if I can swing the cost. It's about 140 round-trip... just on the train. (It cost me 150 to drive it... imagine? And the timing is about the same. No wonder nobody takes the trains any more.) Odd... but I see how the “romantic” part of me is actually quite dead... or, at the very least, buried. But, at some point today, I'll try to ring him... we'll see how it goes. Still... isn't it funny: 46 years later and a proposal. I've thought of it my-self. The romanticism of it is quite lovely. The reality? More than likely, quite “not”. - And so, the clock ticks, the wash washes, the time passes and I'm still in jammies. Hallie and Mimou are out in the yard. It's not really all that cold this morning, but it's certainly not all that warm either. The kitchen is a bleating mess (of course it is). And me? I'm just going to sail through what-ever comes along. It's Saturday. And, quite honestly, there's nothing that requires any attention. (I'm NOT cleaning that kitchen! There's NO reason why it has to be the way it is. I didn't mess it up.) - 17.56 and no, I didn't ring Denis today and won't. Why? Well... first of all, the phone service. I don't have the patience to deal with the cut-offs. Second, I don't really know what to say about the situation. I fluctuate between being thrilled and being cynical. I KNOW he'd never agree to move North. Oh well. So be that. Third, I've been napping all day. Probably because of the naproxen I took this morning with coffee. But no matter. - At one point, it got so chilled in this place that, in order to warm up, I un-loaded the dish-washer and washed ALL the dishes... in HOT water. Very nice for me, for the “WORK” I've done (again). And it DID warm me up quite a great bit. But the chill is back in the place. It's warmer out than it is in. Even as the day turns to night. (And it's been grey all day too.) - And now... it's the wait for the arrival of Mme. who will be bringing some kind of “Mexican” cuisine. Me? As I washed dishes, I cooked a small pot of rice and had a frank with. Imagine... she expects I'd wait until 19.00 (or when-ever she rolls in) to eat something. Well... that's only normal. It's like her cooking to eat... at 19.00 or 20.00 every evening. No importance. - News of the day: Kavanaugh has been “confirmed” as the new Supreme Court Justice. 50-48 votes. I guess there are SOME idiots in government who actually DO know that they're all teetering on the brink of out-right “Civil War” here. But, to be honest, I'm actually still looking forward to one. Sadly, I do believe it's the only way to “clean house”. But that's just me. - Anyway... now to amuse myself for a while... and try to stay awake. (Oddly, when the time comes to actually go to sleep... I'll probably have a difficult time of it, as usual.) - I'm just wondering what tomorrow will bring. The lawn should be mowed. There's work to be done up-stairs (for which I was told I'd receive 200$... which I most certainly could use... for the truck, of course). We shall see... it's (again) a matter of “time”. - 21.08 and it looks like I'm just going to put on my jammies and get into bed. - Mme. DID roll in at about 19.10... a “quesadilla” stuffed with chicken and veggies. Corn chips galore. It tasted OK. But then, my taste buds are shot lately anyway. I ate it... all. So I'm STUFFED right now. No room for crisps tonight. All's well in the “food” category. Time to take another “nap”... and hopefully wake fully ready to attack ALL the chores that are on the list... and I know she's got a list. (Though I don't think she remembered to get a paint roller... she was determined to get one at the store here in town. I can't stand the idea of supporting that place like that but... we shall see.) - Anyway, this day is a wrap. Time for sleep. (I can only hope.)

Sun.07.Oct 5.07 For some reason (probably being in bed, no drinks, no tele at 21.30) I woke at about 4.00 this morning... by 4.30, I was up and having coffee. I'm just in from a smoke. It's bloody raining. No mowing this morning. This means I'll be painting or cleaning or something of the sort. There are windows to be washed up-stairs. I don't see any window cleaner, nor towels and the sort. I have to think: “I'll pay you 200$...” but no “I'll provide the necessities”. Typical. Oh well. I suppose I can just rejoice in the time-occupied and not here, about. - This morning, the spots on the forehead are actually lightening. I should have done this “Procelana” stuff a while ago. That's the “good” news. The “other” news is that there's a “lump” in the chest again this morning. Noticeable. Quite uncomfortable. One of these days the “lump” will BE my chest. But I don't want to know what it's all about. Eventually, it won't make any difference... knowing or not. Well? We can't live forever, and “my time”, my “turn” at the family “tradition” is about due (if not “past due”). - So, here we have it. Like the old days in The City: up before the sun-rise. But there's no sound of traffic, no sounds of people scuttling about on the streets below. Nobody's heading any place at this hour. Just the sound of the rain, taking the leaves from the trees on this Autumn morn. And me... falling apart. - Let's see how we can fill the time. Shall we then? - 7.04 time for a “nap” until the 8.00 alarm. Soc.med. done for the morning. And it's gotten COLDER out there. Yep... it certainly has. - 8.12 and up from a nap that was about an hour but now I feel as if I haven't slept all night. Problem is, I woke from a dream: I was working for some agency, advertising or something artistic. I liked the job. Working with mostly younger people. We were in the office, it was raining. We were discussing what we were going to do and where to go for lunch. Not together. Just that it was cold and wet out and nobody really wanted to go out. I was working in accounting, and was doing something with my own banquing matters. The “company” banqued with some place with a “green logo”, similar to TD and I banqued with a banque that had a “red logo” (similar to CIBC). I was mentioning that it was the only banque that could seriously compete with “their” banque because it treated and addressed customers with what seemed, a more personal interest. Meanwhile, there was some sort of client that required immediate attention, and a lot of work had to be done and we were all anxious to get the job done. Somebody said something about getting “that young guy, Mike Hopkins, in quickly. Mike worked with us, but I'd never met him (the office was full of women) and was looking forward to seeing who he was. (Oddly... Mike Hopkins is some account on Minds, who frequently “up-votes” and “reposts” my posts. I wonder why he came into my dream. How strange.) As I was sitting at my desk, a young guy with a blonde buzz-cut came in and sat down at a desk behind mine. I never did get to see him face-on. And as we were discussing general matters, a young, Black woman sat directly behind me. She had head-phones on, connected to a music player of some sort and was listening to a tune that sounded similar to “Law of the Land”, great beat and sound. It reminded me SO much of G's. I commented “That isn't the radio?” and she just softly replied “No.” closed her eyes and sort of moved with the music. The only lyric that I can recall from it was the 'bridge”... “Wanted... Dead or Alive”. And I woke. - Just in from a smoke. It's COLD out there now. Grey and damp and COLD. - And for no apparent reason, I just got REALLY nauseous! - Quick trip to the WC (Mme. is in the loo) and that seems to have help the nausea a bit. But I wonder what brought it on in the first place.- Well... it would seem the day is commencing. Mme. will, no doubt, be going to 10.00 “mass” at some point? Me? I'll have to deal with up-stairs or the stair-well painting, which isn't such a great idea in this weather, considering it's more “out-doors” than in. We shall see what the day brings... when it's done. - 13.41 Two naps and still feeling tired. But I'm just back from a charming chat with the “Newgliddens” and a trip to the store for... BLEACH AT 3,19$!!! FOR THE CHEAP SHIT! BUT... IT'S GASSING UP-STAIRS, EVEN AS I TYPE. And no... Mme. has NOT returned as yet... left at about 8.30. Yeah... I'll be off on my own come the 21st. - Meanwhile, the Newgliddens have insulated and re-done the old “dining room” over there and they say the place is so much warmer. The old duct-work for the heating to the North end of the house was completely blocked-off! Honestly, these idiots up here and their heating shit (amongst all the rest). OH! AND THEY FOUND AN ARROW... BROAD-HEAD, PROFESSIONAL HUNTING ARROW IN THEIR BACK YARD! SOME JACKASS IS SHOOTING WITH A PROFESSIONAL CROSS-BOW! Mrs. ACTUALLY WENT DOOR-TO-DOOR TO INQUIRE ABOUT IT. OF COURSE, NOBODY ADMITTED TO OWNING THE DAMNED ARROW. BUT THIS SHIT HAS ME MORE THAN CONCERNED! FUCKING RETARDS! BOW-HUNTING IN TOWN!!! AND YET, THEY TREAT *ME* AS IF *I'M* THE IDIOT! I HAVEN'T REALLY GOT THE MONEY BUT, IT REALLY IS TIME TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE... ASAP! DAMNIT! - So I've got my “gazed” pastries (1,19 here and 75 cents in The City... fucking thieves), 2 of them. Probably the only eating I'll do all day. No bother. And that's about all that's going to be done. The gasses are spreading up-stairs so there's no working in there today. Alas... poor Mme. Fukkitall. - 18.50 No word and no show from Mme. Very nice, indeed. Just toddle out the door and fuck everybody else. OK. Fine. Noted. - The bleaching gasses up-stairs didn't work. The damned thing foamed and that was the end of it all. Figures. Shit stuff around here. Hey. I tried. Fukkit. I was thinking of getting some other stuff to clear that air and work on the carpet but I'll be damned if I'll spend MY money on HER property any more. It will be what it is when the painting is done and the windows, washed. I don't/can't give a shit. - Meanwhile, I had my 4 franks with the “nacho chips” from last night. “Meal”. Done. Hoovered quickly just now. AND... I built a RAGING fire in the stove to take the fucking chill out of here. - Mimou is in... hopefully for the night. No doubt he'll bolt when the old thing comes in and she won't bother to get him. (She'll whine at me instead.) - I feel like it's 21.50 already. Those naps really don't help much at all during the day. But... it won't be long before I head to bed. I've no responsibility to stay up until she hauls her arse back in. - TERRIBLE car accident in Schoharie today! 20 people are dead. Limo of 18 plowed into 2 in a parking lot. Wedding party in the limo. News says it was travelling at about 60mph. Suspicious, that. But of all places... such a little town... and in NY! Heart-breaking. - Mimou's on his barn-pillow bed at the head of “my” bed!!! Sweetness! I wish he'd like it there more often. - Anyway... winding-down for the evening. Let's just hope the old thing doesn't come rolling in with a bang... especially if I'm already under the covers. - 21.37 It was just about 20.00 and Mimou was in. I gave him something to eat and was sneaking out my door (as it were) to close off the porch just in case he made a dash for the porch door when Mme. returned. As I walked out my door, she walked in the kitchen. Timing. I intended to get into bed. But... we chatted for a while and even though I'd only just stoked the stove for the night, she tossed in another piece of wood. To think: she came in to a warm kitchen, nice, not damp, and I'd been in here all day in the cold. Oh well... such is life. Anyway, we chatted. I told her about the arrow. I doubt it sunk in. And then I “confirmed” that I won't be available to join her for the concert on Sunday, 21st. So she confirmed that she'll be giving somebody else the ticket. I've NO regrets. But she'll be dealing with the drive back at about 23.00 or mid-night. Hey. I see it as proper justice. (I didn't want that ticket anyway and as much as told her before she'd bought three. So? So.) - And now, she's off to bed. I'm off to bed. And of course, not as tired as I was at 20.00. Perhaps a v-ton. Perhaps. Not sure. - Hopefully tomorrow will allow for much work round the place to occupy the hours. Indeed, there's painting and deodourising up-stairs and the painting of the stair-well and the lawn. Yes... there's “work” to be done. Good for me. May I wake feeling certainly well enough to handle it all. - For now... time to wind-down for the night. Another day has passed. “One more day behind me...” - 23.29 damn it! Another night just slipped by.

Mon.08.Oct: THANKSGIVING - 2.12 how wonderful to see those numbers, in that order... but not at this hour. Oh well. - 8.27 and up and here we go again. And another “holiday” that'll go ailing by with-out fanfare or notice. (And folks wonder why I've got such a miserable disposition.) But there are chores to be attacked this morning and no sense in diddling about (until, at least, that is, later, as it were). I'm really not in the mood at the moment and my tummy's a touch “off” but there'd been only one beverage last night. But OH! At about 0.12 the lights DID go out so I wonder if that's that.. or is there another and what-ever. Thankfully, I wasn't plugged in with the lap-top at the time... I was just down-loading an episode of “Midwife” (Season 7 already and one more to go for the original series). So anyway... - I've not doubt that I'll step out of this room this morning and immediately be greeted with the chores reminders. There's some sort of retribution coming because of my cancellation of the Bocelli affair. (Imagine: “Can't you meet in Montreal?” Yeah... and then what. The purpose is to SEE the place and the place isn't in Montreal, so I could meet in MTL, but then go to NY after meeting, which would mean I wouldn't be in MTL after the meeting so and then I'd have to go to MTL, then to NY, then back to MTL. AND I'd be the “driver” which would mean I'd do 13.00 meet in MTL, leave her and her Maryrose there, drive back to NY for 2 hours which would, let's say, bring us to 16.00 at least, (meet at 13.00 for 30-60 mins, plus drive) have a look-see for about an hour (we're at 17.00) and then drive BACK to MTL (we're at 19.00, park the truck and walk to the stadium (we're at lease at 19.30) and they've strolled about, had a nice dinner and I've (yet again being treated like a piece of shit... and WORSE), been driving 100s of miles. Consideration... the very same thing as my appointment in Rouses Point: “When WE go to NY today....” and then “You drop me at Ste-Anne's and go to your appointment and pick me up on your way back.” And then there's “Littlest Angel” or WTF-ever in CT: “Drop me off and you can go visit Ev.” Seriously? Well... people have a way of showing their arse... and these “people” actually seem to enjoy the opportunity. Speak no more of. Even with the hypotheticals... it's sickening. (It's also 8,58 and time to make appearance and get this shit-ball rolling and I've only had first coffee and no smoke.) - 9.52 ROLL! - 22.02 And the “rolling” comes to an end. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD? Well, thank you, please, caller, Ms. Heather Small, indeed. I MOWED THE ENTIRE LAWN TODAY! I FILLED-IN THE HOLE OVER THE SEPTIC TANK ACCESS AND REPLACED THE PAVERS. I PUT ALL OF THE EXTRA FENCE POSTS INTO THE BARN. PORKY COOPER THREW ABOUT 20 TOMATO CAGES OVER THE FENCE INTO THE YARD AND I PUT ALL OF THEM INTO THE BARN. THIS DAMNED PLACE LOOKS AS GOOD AS IT POSSIBLY COULD (CONSDIERING THE MOWER IS ALL FUCKED-UP). THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE TODAY TO MAKE ME FEEL PROUD! AND... I'M ONLY JUST NOW OUT OF THE SHOWER WITH MY CLOTHES ON THE RINSE. I GUESS I MADE THAT GRAB FOR FREEDOM. THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE TODAY TO MAKE ME FEEL PROUD! And just as I'd typed “9.52 ROLL!” Pammie and Davie came by “to see the flat up-stairs and Davie started to tell me how I have to be careful when cleaning the brackets for the suspended ceiling up there. Yeah? Who, in Fux name, do you think did the entire “white room” in this house? Yeah Bucky? You and Porky there... great pair. (I remembered Lois referring to “Massholes” and let the matter drift away.) And Mme. left round about 16.00. She left and I finished cleaning the yard. Did she notice much of any of the work done before leaving? Nah. Only that she commented that this should be the last time the lawn gets mowed. Yeah? There'll be leaves falling Missy. (But never mind. She'll be driving to and about Montréal in about 2 weeks, with her Maryrose and mystery guest... I won't be their driver. So never mind.) She didn't leave the usual disaster in the kitchen this time. Amazing. It wasn't completely in order, but it wasn't bad. - So at about 17.30 I bolted to the store for ice cream (gone) and crisps (waiting), bread... and made sammiches of the 2 left-over stuffed cabbages. “Meal”. Filling. I was SO fucking bloody tired! Dozed (or snoozed) for about 20 minutes at about 18.00. Stoked the stove and got me together for shower by about 20.30! - The rest is... shower and wash. - Right now, the wind is blowing and there's a light rain falling and it's really quite beautiful, temperature-wise, out there tonight. Not at all chilly. Tomorrow is supposed to be quite warm. - OH! AND Mme. HANDED ME THE 200$ SHE PROMISED TO PAY ME FOR THE WORK UP-STAIRS! SHE SAYS SHE'S BRINGING A DROP CLOTH AND PAINT FOR THE ROOM UP THERE, BUT IN THE MEAN-WHILE, I CAN PAINT THE BRACKETS FOR THE CEILING IN THE LOO AND THE STAIR-WELL. SHE ALSO GOT THE MATERIALS I NEED FOR THE PAINTING (ROLLERS, BRUSHES, PAN) AND STUFF TO CLEAN THE WINDOWS! I EXPECTED TO HAVE TO BUY SHIT FOR IT ALL. BUT... I'VE GOT THE 200. (Now... I'm waiting for the truck to need it... and more. It would be my life.) - So now? The wash is going into “spin” and I'm going to pour a v-ton and wrap this day up completely. I'm exhausted! But feeling quite “PROUD”. - Noting: Williston is 50,3mi and Plattsburgh is 54,2mi from here. Earlier, when I was in the store, Deb said that Plattsburgh was just about as far as “Burlington”... meaning for shopping, which is in Williston. She was correct! So... I need new ear-buds (the old ones from Rockaway... the covers for the little buds popped off today... breaks my heart) and the only sane place to get them is in that “best buy” store... one in Williston... One in Plattsburgh. So? Let's see how it all works out. I might go into Walmart tomorrow... if they have, I'll get. Other-wise... PLATTSBURGH IT WILL BE! -

Tue.09.Oct: 1.14, 2 v-ton, 2 episodes of “Midwife” and I'm out to have my last smoke. Fukkit. - 1.30 Lights out. It's warm. The wind is warm. There are stars in the night sky... and lightning in the West. Time to nap. - 9.49 and feeling AWFUL! Up at 8.50, and tried to get right into the morning routine of coffee and Vit.C. and running along to get breakfast served and the little ones out the door but... the vitamins are “lodged” in my stomach or some-where and they're playing HAVOC on the rest of my body! It's a horrid sensation: irritating my stomach, causing all sorts of strange, light-headedness and nausea. Runny nose. Mucous coming up. Weak and woozy. I've no time for all of this shit! It's about 20° out there, nice breeze, sunny. Painting to be done and a flat to be aired-out! WORK to be done and my body's focused on this nonsense! Of course... it's a beautiful day and bull-shit gets dumped. Well, one doesn't ask “Why...?” one figures HOW one is going to respond... Me? With a pain brush and moving about. Let's see how we get through THIS shit. - 20.32 SO INCREDIBLY TIRED! EVEN SHOWERING... I HAD TO TAKE A REST ON THE RECLINER TO GET UP THE ENERGY TO TYPE THIS BEFORE SHOWERING. - This morning's vitamins, it seems, have done some “damage” in the stomach... or, I'm having a heart attack. The pain is still there. Everything I've eaten keeps repeating. The ice cream tonight came back up with mucous. - But the stair-well is about 85% finished for the first coat. I keep thinking: 200$ for painting the stair-well, the brackets, washing windows, de-odourising... Well, she's getting what she's paid for... a “Vermont” paint job. It's not very nice, but it's painted. Tomorrow I'll finish the few sections, then put on the second coat. I wonder if being in that confined space with the paint doesn't have something to do with the fatigue. - Meanwhile, it was a GLORIOUS day... bright sun, beautiful breezes, warm. And me, stuck in a stair-well. One day... soon... I'll have “my day”. (I still have to figure on getting out of here and away before she leaves on the 21st. Hopefully I'll be up to it all and so too, the truck.) - Right now, I have to get me to the shower. There's NO way I'll be going to bed with the stench of that flat on me. - The porch door will be open tonight too. Yes, it's THAT warm and comfy. - And I doubt I'll be having v-ton and tele tonight. I'll probably just get out of the shower and into bed. - PS: The fucking WiFi is SHIT! They're throttling this house. Fucking in-breeds. - 23.00 and just finishing soc.med. Yes, I took the shower, scrubbed away. Thought I'd “just drop by” the soc.med. and here I am. I'll go for ONE episode of “Midwife” now... and, perhaps, a VERY LIGHT v-ton (it's at the point where I'm afraid not to... for fear of spasms... and, maybe it'll help with the rock in my chest?). But only ONE of each. Tomorrow... I have WORK to get to finish! (And “finish”, I hope to do.) - The porch door is still open. Very comfy in here. Oddly warm.

Wed.10.Oct: 10.32 and a slow start to a late morning. Feeling “tired”, “ick”. But at 2.44 this morning, I was just finishing the second episode of “Midwife” when Mimou cane into the room, calling. Shortly there-after, in waltzed Ms. Hallie! 3 in the morning and it was “snax” for the little ones. When that was done, I FINALLY got into bed, and lights went out. I knew then, it was going to be a rough one. - But, standing at the window, with the warm breezes blowing through the multi-coloured leaves (all looking black in the night), I couldn't help but think (an noted on the lap-top):
I wonder if anybody else knows what it's like to be afraid of gong to sleep... when fatigue burns you up with fever, and the sweats just make you damp, clammy. When we're asleep, we have no control over what happens to our body, and so much can happen, even in a moment's time. With so many obligations, promises made that need to be kept. There are some who think us daft, or irresponsible, strange because we keep late hours. And it does no good to tell. There's precious little time to make good on promises. And there's just less time to rest. I wonder... if anybody else knows what it's like to honestly be afraid of going to sleep. 10.10 2.07
And so it is, and has been. There's much I've promised to do, to myself and others. But feeling “not well” every moment I'm awake... I have to wonder how much time I actually have left. Getting older and more tired. It just gets to the point where I have to wonder. - Anyway... at 8.46 I finally got out of bed, completed the Wednesday morning routine of litter-box, garbage, breakfasts, &c. - The “stone in the chest” has left residual discomfort. I looked it up this morning (before bed): Either simple reflux or some kind of oesophageal malfunction... or oesophageal ca. What-ever. The major pain is past, as I rather knew it would come to. - Second coffee and time to get rolling. I found some more brushes and rollers in the barn this morning. I also found my little shovel that I'd panicked about, thinking it had been stolen (by some local shit-bag, rummaging through the barn) or tossed into the garden or... this morning's panic... left in the Subaru! None of the above. It was on the porch... where I'd left it when last I used it. I'm really turning to a right idiot. - Never mind... KADIMA it is then, for the day. Tharz paintin t'be dun! - 19.12 OK! Laundry, done. Hoovering, done. Dishes, done. From 10.00 to 13.00, the painting on the stair-well got done to the top. There's precious little paint left and the coverage today was horrific! It's going to take another gallon of paint. And the brushes have been destroyed by the nails in that wall. It SHOULD be insulated and then covered with plywood. But never mind all that. I know what SHOULD be done... I know what WILL be said IF I say what SHOULD be done and I know what WILL be done no matter what: it'll be painted and there'll be whining because I said we need new brushes. Oh well... Fukkit. 200$ to paint a room, the stairs, and to wash windows. You get what you pay for. - I HAD to shower after painting today. I believe I've got flea bites on my legs! That place is FILTHY! It's a good thing I never wanted to rent it. I'd have to re-build the damned place. - So what got done with the rest of the day? Nothing, really. I got the mail. DOL gives me until the 1st Dec. to pay them. Fuck-offs. They'll take my state tax refunds after that. Good luck. Toodles. And then I showered... scrubbed... washed ALL my clothing and such and things. Finished the chicken fukkitz from last night. PAINFUL! THE PAIN IN THE STOMACH IS BACK. Oh well... that's why I'm not eating anything this evening... not even and especially not ice cream. - Snoozed and dozed a little bit. Again... total exhaustion struck. But now that all the work is done... I'm just tired... no longer exhausted. - Need to go for smokes tomorrow. Need new ear-buds for iPod and lap-top (evening tele). Need to get more vodka. Trying to figure how to make the “run” tomorrow. Round and round and up and down and cross the border and bull-shit. What-ever. - But for now, I just might simply watch moments of TV and get into bed. Thankfully I don't HAVE to make a deposit for the little bit of shopping tomorrow. I might just head out in the morning... get the smokes in Bedford, try for Cowansville, then down through Richford for vodka and have done with it all. We shall see in the morn. - Right now... there's a fire in the wood-stove. The temperature dropped quite rapidly at about 17.00. Wood staked in the kitchen and re-stacked in the garage. She's gone through almost a cord of wood already... She just doesn't understand the science of home heating (embers keep the stove hot enough... no need to keep shoving more wood into the stove... moron). It's not for me to say... she and her in-breed cronies know best. Oh... to be out of and away from here once and for all. - 22.54 and I've just gotten the last of the “Midwife” series. Now I have to find something else to “watch” before bed ... something not “American”... I can't tolerate the shallowness. - Anyway... a few moments of soc.med. I've still got a sip or two of my v-ton.

Thu.11.Oct: 0.59 SHIT! (And I'm hungry... nothing in the place to eat... and even if there was, it would cause pain.) - Nice evening on the JAK Minds though. I have to wonder where, in the world, these folks are. - 1.06 Last smoke. The fog's rolled in. The temperature has dropped incredibly! Good thing I stoked the wood-stove! - I can't die in my sleep. If I do, I'll be condemned to a Hell of unfinished promises! - Oh... and the electric got cut off again... as I was on soc.med. Morons! - 8.24 and I'm up... out of bed, round-about and there's that stone in my sternum. - Woke at about 6.00 to find that I'd “tossed” the clench-guard in my sleep. Got it (thanks to the board I'd put under and beside the bed so it didn't get lost on the floor), rinsed it, put it back and went back to snooze. Heard the 7.00 alarm and didn't bother getting up. Heard the 8.00 alarm which sounds at 7.46 now, and got up to attend to the little ones. - Grey. Cool. Raining. Nice. I've got travelling to do this morning. But I've got the wood-stove going, primarily to get rid of the 3 pieces of fire-wood I'd set aside for my use. It does no good because the kitchen door is open. Mimou is out there, some-where. Oh well... nothing makes proper sense round here. - At about 8.00, the phone rang, and rang. Two calls... machine picks up... “click”. I'd like to “click” these arse-holes. - And so, another day commences. Must run for smokes today. Perhaps another vodka. Not too certain about that bit. But what-ever will be... will be. - I have to get an appointment for the truck inspection too. MAYBE that's what's causing the pain in the sternum... anxieties. Oh... there's always something. - Good thing I've got some more work to do up-stairs. 9 days in which to get it all done. But the work will keep me busy... and away from being in the house... and something to do to pass the time... in relative peace. - Let's just hope that what-ever this “stone in the sternum” is, it passes... I have to wonder though... I mean.., with the familial cancers and the likes. Just so long as I finish my work... keep my promises. (And get back to NY!) - 9.40 and morning soc.med. done. Time to get me together and ready for the rest of this ... day. - Still feeling rather “off” though... “sternum stone”. - 10.40 showered and off we go....

Fri.12.Oct: 0.54 THIS is going to get “involved” because it's a continuation of yesterday, Thu.11.Oct... but I've stayed up too long and too late and spent too much time having a good time on the soc.med. again... which I didn't get to until late because I CREATED A FUCKING LEASE FOR Mme. BY USING A “STANDARD” THAT WAS CREATED IN ARIZONA AND HAD TO READ AND MODIFY 9 PAGES OF IT... AND REFERENCE THE VERMONT STATUTES, COVER THE “ISSUES” SHE'S HAD WITH ALL HER PREVIOUS SHIT-BAG TENANTS AND SEND IT TO HER VIA E-MAIL... and I KNOW she won't even bother with reading it but... the kindness was done... fuck the rest. MEANWHILE... I left shortly after posting the 10.40 “showered and off we go...” and headed up to Bedford where I got my carton of smokes and then... in the pouring rain, headed off to Cowansville where I stopped at Canadian Tire in search of “keyed chain locks” for the house. Didn't find them, of course, so ended-up pissing away 20CAD on a bracket for the iPod in the truck (which works well), a spray bottle (for the flat up-stairs), and a new room freshener. I had to have SOMETHING to show for the trip. En route back, stopped at a “quincaillerie” or what-ever the fuck “hardware” store is in French, in Dunham where the nice fellow there suggested I shop “on the web” for the locks. Oh well... if nothing else, the drive was nice... the foliage was delightful and the drive in the rain was good experience in the truck. Not to mention, the driving was good for the truck, so it doesn't just sit in the yard, rusting. The stops at the border were quick and rather delightful. A bit of chatting in both directions. But I didn't get back until almost 14.00! And just as Mme. was rolling in! (I helped un-load the truck for her... nice person that I am... moron.) And she DID get me a new bottle of vit.C! (I'm paying it back though...) - So we chatted a bit about shit in general for a bit. I took some Lysol that she'd gotten (the usual “citrus” crap) and sprayed the carpet up-stairs. Hopefully it will help. And THEN... went on-line to, of all places, ACE... where not only did I FIND the LOCKS, but I ordered and PAID! (Came to almost 30CAD for the two... but no shipping so I can't complain much.) Believe it or not... by 16.30 I received an e-mail saying that they're at the store, ready for personal pick-up! To think I did all that driving and all the while... the locks were right there... in fucking ENOSBURGH! Oh well... at least they're there and paid and tomorrow morning we'll go fetch them. I can install them too. It'll be nice to have that extra security in the white room AND in this room. And it's good to know that I'm paying back the vit.C. I “owe” nothing... again. - Had a bit of “Chinese” for “meal” with Mme. this evening. It's still repeating and the “sternum stone” is still very annoying. But I've “eaten” and so, should be thankful for that much. - I found a “lease” on-line... 9 pages that required modifications. I also included clauses about moving cars for mowing and snow removal, no noise from 22.00 to 8.00, and other tid-bits that were pertinent to leasing, and included statute references. Mme. is concerned about possible fleas up there... not to mention the damages and the fact that the Twats didn't actually clean the place! Well, we'll see what she does with all of my work. I've no doubt she'll reject the entire thing... or at the very least, won't bother to read any of it. Hey... lead a horticulture... - And this evening, I paid 60USD (80CAD) to become a “PRO” on Gab. I appreciate the liberty of being able to converse freely on it and so, I thought it a good gesture to contribute at a time in history where our speech is being stifled. It's annual... so it's fine until next year, this time. Not a bad investment... just to communicate with people of higher calibre than those I'm surrounded by. - On Minds this evening, “Willieleev” wired me another token. He's (I'm assuming it's a “he”) a delight and I wonder why he's being so very kind and appreciative. I wonder who and where he actually is. Curiouser and curiouser it becomes. - And now... I've no tele on the roster for the night so I suppose I'm just going to toddle off to bed. Mme. and I (yeah...) are going to ACE at about 9.00 and I've got more painting to do and a carpet to rip up off the stairs. ICK! Filthy work... but a good shower to be taken there-after... and perhaps... a wash to be made as well... to keep the threat of fleas out of the house. - For now, my chest is “thumping”, it feels like something's moving about in there. Mme. suggested I go to ER. As I told her: I don't want to go because I don't want them finding anything that might be worse that I surmise. As I say: I've no time to die right now... too many promises. - And oh... I'm OFF the hook for the 21st! (Plattsburgh... here I come... hopefully. I have to get the truck inspected before then! Thankfully I've got 5s and other emergency funds about.) - NAP TIME! No v-ton tonight either. - 8.09 and here we go with another day. (And the sternum stone is still very much present). COFFEE TIME! - 9.40 Dressed in prep to run to ACE this morning and she's just getting to the loo. - Me? Having a most difficult time of find oxygen in the air this morn. Head's all in the clouds that are covering the sky. My teeth “don't seem to fit” in my mouth. And the sternum stone is sitting heavily. I'm just down fro measuring ceiling panels and light tubes up-stairs. And there's work on the agenda... painting in the cold that it this morning. I see 10° for the highest of highs all day. Painting is going to be “interesting”. But... there's work to be done and doing it beats the alternatives of sitting, in hiding, in the room or simply trying to dodge “chit-chats” and annoying “discussions”. The only way we'll know how the day goes is... go through it. - I'm really falling to pieces here, and I've no time for such nonsense. - 21.16 and it feels like 23.16. We went to ACE this morning. Got the locks (and as soon as we returned, I installed both... one in the white room the other in the little room. It was a delight, though a bit difficult... because I've no strength! The delight came because of the familiarity with them... NYC. And too, it's a nicer feeling of security, knowing that there are locks on doors that didn't have any before. “Appreciated”? I doubt it. “Entitlement”. But they've paid my vit.C. so I'm happy. As the day rolled on, I didn't really have the energy to do any work... BUT... I got ALL the flowering plants into the white room (and just about in time because it's gone quite chilled out there tonight). Next... yes... next... I GOT THE CARPETING OFF THE STAIRS TO THE FLAT! FILTHY! DUSTY. THE FILTH GOT INTO MY MOUTH, AND THROAT, HAIR AND CLOTHES. BUT IT'S ROLLED AND BAGGED AND IN THE GREEN-HOUSE NOW. IT WEIGHTS A GOOD 80-100lbs! BUT IT'S UP AND NOT ON THE STEPS. Another promise, kept. Tick. Flowers in and carpeting up. - We had eggplant parmesan for meal this evening. Thankfully, it wasn't painful to swallow and it's staying down, thus far. Maybe the “damage” I did to oesophagus is healing? - Still, my ears are tender, inside, my neck is stiff and sore, and I still feel, generally, nauseous and the roof of my mouth is “tender”. Something's “wrong” but I've no time for “wrong”. I've promises to keep! - And so, there's paint for the stair-well and the stairs and I believe, the bed-room up there as well as for the brackets for the ceiling in the loo. Much to do... Time? I don't know. It's getting quite cool during the day. The look and bed-room shouldn't be an issue. But the carpets are to be steam-cleaned on Monday so that sets ME back a day, at least. Oh well. I'll do the best I can. (I might do some work tomorrow as well... Might... I need vodka though... I'll have to break a 100! Kills me. But the 5s are up to 45. That's pretty good... Cost of inspection of the truck coming up.) - And so, the house is calm. All are tucked-away. Tomorrow, Mme. will be working... leaving at about 7.00 and returning about 18.00. Time to get things accomplished. - She's got some plan to go to a German restaurant in Derby, on Sunday. I'm expected to accompany with her Lis or somebody. We shall see how that works out. I doubt I'll be able to escape (though, how I wish I could). - Time for a bit of soc.med... not too much. No tele. - Another day is done. The night sky is full of stars and the air is quite chilled - OH... this evening Mme. mentioned that the “Cooper kids”, nephews of Porky, raised HELL when Cecil came to town. Scratched his truck wrote horrid things on it, harassed him to annoyance. Just evil. It puts my mind at ease to think I was “welcomed” in similar fashion AND that should I have any further troubles with Porky... there will be “amends” made when I'm done with him. - And on that note... tie to wind-down. Tomorrow is another day... if I'm so cursed to wake to it. - 23.08 one VERY light v-ton, some out-takes of AbFab, one last smoke and I'm DONE!

Sat.13.Oct: 8.11 work clothes in wash and me in a completely empty house! Imagine that. And it's really quite the morning. Grey. Chilly. And I haven't felt THIS miserable in a great long while. I mean, worse than most other miserable mornings. My head feels stuffed with old sock-doll stuffing, my chest feels rather “gritty”... “lungs”, not “chest”. Really quite horrid. Energy? Nope. Got none of that. Not simply “tired” but more like “drained”. And the thought: “I'm not afraid of death; it's the dying that scares the Hell out of me.” Stiff neck. And peeing this morning was almost an effort. Either I'm stuffed full of all sorts of maladies, or it's just this old body suddenly catching-up with being fucking, bloody old. I mean, not that it's not “time”... Considering all the shit I've put me through over the course of this “life-time”. Not to mention that I've always thought of every year after 55 to be “extra”. Oh well... Life does what it does and there's nothing we can do about it, and it's not as if I've actually accomplished nothing over the course. Even to the recent 5 years of being in this little shit-hole... this house... I can take credit for the property, the lawn, the yard, the work, the maintenance. Nobody else can. And at 5225, the new folks can enjoy that property, in large part, because of my work over there. True, I don't have all sorts of “friends” to leave behind, but there are many who benefited from our acquaintance, even if for a short while. I've done pretty well by others. (I remember telling my patients in Calvary: “No doubt you've done much for others over your life-time, now it's time for others to do for you.” Funny shit, that. I don't believe a syllable of it for me right now.) - OK. Well... confronted with another day. Still work to be done. And the only way to know how the day will be is to pass through it and see... at the end. Plans? There were a few, up to last night. A bit of “work” today, to keep promises. A bit of a shopping, for something that I think I could use for the time-being. And what WILL be done with the day? Well... we'll know when the sun sets. Meanwhile... toddling along. - 19.10 And the only thing I managed to accomplish with this day: Swept the stairs to the flat. Do I care? No, not really. I can't think of what occupied the rest of the time, save a nap... at about 14.00. But that was rather cute. I'd no sooner put my head down when Mimou came in, climbed up to his pillow, got comfy and purred the both of us to sleep. Well... I rather half-slept. There was a point where I had a “lucid dream”... something about being in the store here in town. I had to get something there. (Probably because I'd gone to nap being hungry and with getting vodka on my mind... which I haven't done... but I took a muscle relaxer just now... for tonight.) It was raining and my shoes got soaked. So I sat at a table in a room set aside with picnic-style tables and went to put my sneakers on and they were FULL of bird seed! I shook the seed out, all over the floor and was a bit concerned that I'd catch Hell for it. But I didn't really care, all too much. And then... I woke to go sweep the steps. - As I finished the sweeping, that Justin showed up with his 2 daughters who, immediately upon leaving the car went and chased Minou about the yard. I was a bit ticked but he found a place to hide and I went for a shower and to re-wash my work clothes. - Now sooner had I done the shower and wash, Mme. rolled in. It was just before 18.00. We've had pizza and she's gone toddling off to the “town presentation”. (It was suggested that I'd enjoy it. 22.39Nah. No I wouldn't. I've a record and reputation: I do not attend town functions.) - And so, the house is empty and quiet. Hallie is in. Minou is out and won't come in and I'm too tired to care. - Mme. is having trouble with her oil gauge. Similar to mine... since having the oil changed at Mike's. Looks like I'm in the market for a new mechanic. I wish I trusted anybody around here. - On Monday I'll make an appointment in Enosburgh to have the truck inspected... and hope all goes well with THAT! Hopefully it'll push the inspection month to December next year. If not? Oh well... so be it. I want the inspection done and over with. - Well... for now, I'll hit the soc.med. a moment or so and head for bed. No staying up into the night tonight. I just hope the muscle relaxer helps me to sleep through. - Tomorrow? She's still planning on the trip to Derby. I doubt I'll be able to get out of this one. Damn it! - 22.18 I'm going for last smoke. Minou and Hallie are in. Mme. is still out. I'm tired (I hope). And I dread tomorrow! - 22.37 Mme. just rolled in as I was stoking the wood-stove. Good. I'm going to try for some sleep. She'll be going to mass tomorrow... I'll be going to Walmart... mostly for Minou food. (Maybe I can “just miss” the time she wants to leave for Derby.)

Sun.14.Oct: 5.46 and... about 20 minutes ago, I woke, on my own, rested, but still tired. And there I laid, in the dark, thinking about nothing and everything and about getting up. And so... I've done. Don't know why, exactly, but I've done and here I am and having first coffee. - 9.31 Just managed a 20-minute lie-down whilst Mme. prepped for Jesus. - She says she's not going to leave here today until 15.30. Me? I said I'd finish the painting on the stairs today... she's not happy about the idea but didn't object so... MAYBE I'll be blessed. (I'm not putting any bets on it though.) Do I WANT to paint today? No. Do I MUST perform the work promised (and paid for... sort of)? Yes. It's going to be a bit on the “chilled” side, but I can do what I must and so I shall. - I'm tired though. The early waking didn't/doesn't make life any easier. Fuck me, of course. Part of it is hunger. But as I thought last night: I can't chew a “Weiner Schnitzel” anyway. So what's the sense? And as for hunger now... I can't think of something I can eat properly. Oh well... such is “old”. - 10.40 Let the painting commence! - 22.39 And... SEEPIE-NIGH-NIGHT TIME! - BUT... From, let's call it 11.00 until about 17.00... THE STAIR-WELL WALLS ARE PAINTED! I worked all through the day on them and Mme. was in so she saw how much work went into the job. And she's happy with the job. Another promise kept. (And at least 4 more: steps to be painted grey, the brackets in the loo to be painted white, the bed-room to be painted beige, and the windows to be washed, to go.) But but... That's what I've done today to make me feel proud. - ALL of her “friends” backed-out of her trip to Derby today. Lis said her brother showed up. Carolyn was invited to go and didn't want to. So I got caught... At about 18.30 or so, we were off and headed, via some wonderful back roads, to Montgomery... UP ON THE MOUNTAIN, to a cozy little place called “The Belfry”. Very cute. Quite quaint. Would make a perfect little honky-tonk, in my opinion. Very nice. Cozy. Looks like a small barn or perhaps an old house, converted. Panelling all about, rustic. Mme. had a “NY Strip” steak, baked potato and broccoli and some bits of cabbage and such tossed on the plate. I had a burger which was “sirloin” and rather small, with crisps. She had two Margaritas and I had what they served as a “Manhattan” (in a brandy snifter). They obviously either don't know how to make them or it's something “local” but they offered Bourbon instead of rye and it was SO watered that I could have had just water instead. Anyway, the whole bill came to almost 80$ and with the tip, 90,50! WAY too much for the place and portions. But, Mme. was happy and it actually was nice to get away. (And yes, I showered before going so “clean” is a nice thing to be this evening.) - I drove back, in the dark. - And so, another day has passed. - Honestly, I'm achy as all Hell right now. I was achy whilst showering, but went along with what-ever anyway. But now I'm paying for the luxury. Just achy. It's getting to the point where “achy” is “normal” and if I weren't, I'd have to worry. - So, a quick trip through the soc.med. and off to bed. (I'd take a muscle relaxer... and still might, but I'm rather concerned about my stomach and all the meds. I really HAVE slammed m'self with them... the muscle relaxers and naproxens, this Summer. But I've no vodka tonight so... it might help with a good night's sleep. And I do wake better in the morning.) - Tomorrow? Perhaps a quick trip to Walmart for earbuds and Minou food. Mme. DID stop at Hannaford's to get him more but, a little more won't hurt. And I'd like to put some gas into the truck, want to price batteries, and check about getting the truck inspected during the week. And of course, I don't like to travel whilst nobody's here... just in case of break-down. Somebody needs to be here for the little ones. And after the run? Steps to be painted. Loo to be painted. Ceiling light panels to be cut. Something to “do” at all times. No prob. It's “therapy”. - It's a “taken” for the muscle relaxer.

Mon.15.Oct: 1.24 SHIT! WHERE THE FUCK DID THE TIME GO? SOC.MED.! TIME FOR BED! - 8.28 All I'm going to say is that I'm ever so thankful that I don't look anything like the way I feel this morning. I ache! I'm exhausted! I feel OLD! (And it' 24° in this room for some reason!) I had a SPASM (or may two) last night, quite painful. But got back to sleep immediately after getting up out of bed Still, I suppose the breaks in sleep help the feeling of shittiness this morning. What-ever. - Stanley carpet steamer is here. I'm just having first coffee and trying to decide between painting the loo or running to Walmart (or running away) (or going back to bed, to be quite honest). - OH SHIT AGAIN! (like earlier this morning) THIS SUNDAY IS THE 21ST! *PLATTSBURGH DAY*! October's speeding by AWFULLY FAST! DAMN! - Well then there. Never mind the shopping. (I'd REALLY like to go back to bed.) - 22.06 SHOWERED... I N *ALGEMARAIN”!!! AND IT'S MARVELOUS THE SCENT IS SPECTATCULAR! OH... THE MEMORIES OF “BREMEN HAUS”! 86TH STREET! - AND... the stair-well is painted... ceiling too. The bracket for the fucking ceiling in the loo up there... done! And when I'd finished, at about 16.00 (from about 11.00 this morning, almost non-stop) I WAS IN SUCH GO-AWFUL PAIN! I MEAN *FUCKING PAIN*!!! LEG SPASMS, STIFF NECK, HEAD-ACHE, ARMS, FINGERS... PAIN IN EVERY PART OF MY BEING! A half-glass of Seagrams with a splash of ginger ale and now, I was able to shower.) Pain... and absolutely nobody knows. None of their business, really. It wouldn't make any difference other than condescending bull-shit and feigned “compassion”... Makes me sick. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD? Ms. Heather Small? I worked through my pain... and did good work. Thank you for asking, you're welcome. (Thank you Miranda Hart.) - Message just in from Mme. reminding me of the left-overs in the fridge. She should only know, I'm on a “If it's in my way, it's in the trash” attitude. I'm fed-up with cleaning after her. AGAIN... she baked today... brought it to her Pammie. Nothing for me. Nothing of mine is out-side this room. And I'm at the end of this bull-shit of taking it for granted that I'll clean up her fucking mess. Nope. If I “clean”... it goes out with the trash on Wednesday. Done deal, No more “home care for retards”. - Anyway... I could use one more drink. I'll have to replace the Seagrams, I MISS my vodka. But... we make do with what we have and I need... NEED... a night's sleep! - The wind is blowing from the North out there. Warm too. Strange. - Denis... I miss you. - I need to file my nails, cut my hair. Have to look “presentable” for Sunday. Perhaps tomorrow.

Tue.16.Oct: 2.21 And soc.med. got me again. Not enough booze... but just enough to take away the pain. - Windy now. Chill in the air. - Time to try for a nap. - 9.36 and I got out of bed at 9.20... my head feels too large for my body, my chest feels like it's strapped, the little ones have been out and back in for breakfast, the wood-stove is re-started, the recycling is at the curb... it's grey, breezy and chilly, I've had my coffee. “It's not unusual to wake up feeling like you've died (and gone along to Hell). - Steps and bed-room to be painted. The steps should have been easy but there's that artificial, plastic “grass” NAILED to it in spots! Shit! Oh well. I doubt I'll get anything done this morning anyway. Maybe a Hoovering? No promises. - I NEED TO GET AN APPOINTMENT FOR TRUCK INSPECTION THIS WEEK. Maybe I'll feel better after that. I don't know. - 21.48 And I'm going off to the shower. The bed-things are in the dryer and I am now, as I've been all day: ACHY! AS ALL HELL ACHY! I wonder: did I breathe in something during all that “work” up-stairs? Is my immune system working over-time? I mean, what the actual HELL is going on here? Just run-down ALL the time! - Anyway, I napped for about 45 minutes this after-noon after doing pretty much nothing during the day. But I DID
GET THE PANELS FOR THE CEILING LIGHTS UP-STAIRS CUT. VERY NICELY TOO. After the nap, I bolted, into St. Albans. To the “Bev. Ctr.” to return empties and get my vodka. WOW! PACKED! I had to drive round the block a couple of times until I gave up and went to Walmarde. There? 5-dollar ear-buds that are 5-dollars-worth of shit. But they had extra rubber covers that fit the old ear-buds so it wasn't a complete loss. Got a bag of crisps for tonight and more dry food for Minou and two rolls of painter's tape for the bed-room up-stairs. Yeah, I said I wasn't going to spend any more money on that fucking hole up there but this is going to make the painting easier and quicker for me so... it's for ME... though I'm holding it “accountable” for MY investment in HER house. Fuck it all. 100 dollars, shot to Hell. (Save the 20 in gas in the truck so that the tank isn't below half.) - Then... back to the Bev. Ctr. to FINALLY return the bottles. ONE GUY working and the queue was FULL of shit-bags with what looked like collections of bottles from the year 1965! Honestly! If these people are drinking THAT much in a week... it explains a lot. My heart went out to the one guy working there. And so. Mme. gets 3$ and I got 96-cents out of the deal. And I was off to Hannaford's for “Banquet” chicken for tonight. 8$ there as opposed to the 11-plus at Wetherby's. Ice cream. 4 bottles of tonic and a box of “Zebra cakes”. Self-check and zing, back in the truck, grabbed the gas and headed back. All told... THREE AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS to get next to nothing really accomplished. - At the hole by about 18.30, served dinner for all of us and watched a bit of television. Also, had to get more wood in from the garage. The place is chilled. And just recently, it's gotten more chilled. The temperature out-side is about 8°. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain and then, Thursday... FREEZING! Thursday night: MINUS 2! Oh dear! - Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll get that room painted. Then there's only the stairs. But they're going to need WORK... that fucking green shit was NAILED to the stairs! Morons! So, it'll get done when it gets done. - For now... shower time. Perhaps a light v-ton tonight with a bit of tele. (Of course, I'm half deal all day and when sleep time comes, I can't.) - Of note: My leg muscles and now, even the fingers seem to be going into some kind of “contractures”. Painful. Oh well. Sunday will be interesting. (Truth be told, I don't have to go too awfully far nor for too awfully long a time. Just so that I'm gone before Mme. leaves and don't return until she's gone. We shall see how it all turns out. At least I'm not stuck with driving her and her cronies and I won't be stuck with them (her and her Maryrose) wandering about Montreal. That's a blessing, if ever there was one.

Wed.17.Oct: 1.55 and it's lights out. See? I drag my shit about all fucking day, half dead... but when the time comes to actually sleep? FUCK ME! - Anyway, ONE v-ton, some crisps, 4 “Zebra cakes” and some videos on-line. Laundry's done. Tomorrow... trash and paint. - 8.24 Not feeling too awful this morning. Certainly not ready to get up, run a marathon, nor dance in the streets, but over-all and in general... one of the “better fucking shitty days”. The little ones have been out and are in for breakfast, I've been to loo and had first coffee. Not bad for 10 minutes of consciousness. (I heard the 8.00 alarm and dozed for about 10 minutes.) - And as I type, Mimou is giving me the story and Ms. Hallie appears to want another going out. One of “those” days? I doubt it. I'll be up-stairs for some of it. - Well... time to toddle! Trash day (and garbage too). - Fuck. - 9.53 Garbage is out and I'm dressed and the taping of the bed-room has begun... but I can see that one gallon of paint isn't going to cover the lavender (since the new coat is pale beige). Oh well... I'm in no mood for this bull-shit today. She NEVER does ANYTHING properly. So I'll just put on what I have and have done with it and call it a day. If there was somebody of “class and calibre” moving in, I might be concerned. But knowing what's coming up there? Nope. - Meanwhile, this morning's BM? Maybe it's the haemorrhoids (which is what I suspect) but the final “wipe” was quite frankly, frank blood. Not a terribly lot but no stool, just blood. No blood in the stool though. So I don't suppose it was internal. Ah... it was bound to come to this or something similar to it. Makes me a little “icky” though... Still... there's work to be done, promises to keep (and, quite honestly, time to pass). - Hair-cut would be nice to get in today. And there's wood that needs bringing from the garage... if only for me and my use. Yep.. things to do to pass the time of day. - (I wonder if I'll be in health to make a trip to the Catskills in a few weeks... at this rate.) - Just waiting for the up-stairs to warm up a bit. The thermostat was turned down to about 40F. She's such a... just such. - 11.06 Time to ROLL (the paint). - WHAT HAVE YA DONE T'DAY T'MAKE YA FEEL PROUD? AT 11.06 I HEADED UP THE STAIRS... TO TAPE THE TRIM... LAID THE DRO-CLOTHS AND IMMEDIATELY THERE-AFTER, PAINTED THE “CUTS”, AS IT WERE. THAT DONE ONCE ROUND, I PUT THE SECOND COAT ON. BRUSHING DONE. THEN I STARTED WITH THE FIRST WALL, ROLLING. ON TO THE 2ND, THE 3RD AND THE 4TH. BY ABOUT 14.30 THE FIRST COAT WAS ON ALL THE WALLS. I TOOK A 30-MINUTE “BREAK” WITH THE LARGE FAN BLOWING FULL UP AND INTO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM... TO DRY THE PAINT. 30-MINUTES LATER (AT 15.00), I WAS BACK UP THE STAIRS TO PUT ON THE SECOND COAT. AT 16.19 I'D PUT ALL THE DROP-CLOTHS, TAPE AND SUCH INTO THE BAG THAT I'D USED TO LINE THE ROLLER-PAN. EVER SO NEAT! I'M SO GLAD I FOUND THAT LITTLE IDEA SOME-WHERE ON THE INTERNET! MADE CLEAN-UP A SNAP! NEXT CAME PUTTING THE NEW LIGHT PANELS UP IN THE GREEN BED-ROOM AND THE LOO. FOLLOWING... HOOVER THE DAMNED SHIT UP OFF THE GREEN BED-ROOM FLOOR AND HOOVER THROUGH THE FLAT. THE LAST PHOTO WAS TAKEN AT 16.57 (17.00) SHE GOT ANOTHER SIX (6) HOURS OF WORK TODAY... INCLUDED IN HER 200$. SPRAYED THE CUPBOARDS WITH “CLEAN-UP”... IT HELPED TAKE THE STENCH OUT TREMEDNOUSLY! (Came down-stairs, tossed a piece of chicken and some left-over rice into the nuker. Served dinner to Mimou and Hallie and sat to watch the rest of “The Five” whilst shoving the chicken and rice down my throat, followed by the rest of the ice cream. Took a breather until about 19.00 when I went to the garage to re-stack the fire-wood and stack some in the kitchen. It's supposed to get to about 0° tonight. Re-stoked the wood-stove and by about 20.00 I was in the loo... *** HAIR-CUT ***!!! 20.40, hair-cut done, beard trimmed... SHOWER-TIME! And that brings us up to now... at 21.56 and I'm sitting at the little table in the little room as my work-clothes go into the spin cycle... Mimou is some-where in the house, Hallie is, no doubt, in bed, and there's a v-ton at my right side waiting for me. THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE T'DAY T'MAKE ME FEEL PROUD!!! - 200 measly fucking dollars for painting the stair-well, the ceiling tracks in the loo, the bed-room and she still expects me to wash some windows and fucking CLEAN that place for the slob she's rented it to. Today I decided: Nope. I'm NOT cleaning HIS flat. I've painted and made the place MUCH better than it was. SHE let those Twats run amok in there for about 6 years and never bothered, in spite of being told to do so, to check the place. She didn't bother to check their progress as they moved out. So me? Why in Fux name should I be concerned about how the fucking place looks? I'm most certainly not, even in the least. She paid the carpet cleaner about 360 for about 2 hours' work. Me? I don't even know HOW many hours I've worked up there for 200. Gimme another 200 and I'll consider doing some more work. Other than that? Fukkit dearie. It ain't ha'nin. - I just sent a photo of the room up there saying it's beige, and the tracks are white. No sense saying anything more on the matter. It's all an entitlement anyway. - And so, I've managed to work through another day... “Therapy”. I'm just REALLY relieved that I managed to get a hair-cut in too! Now I just hope all goes well with Sunday... travel and all. - Today, Canada legalised weed. I've no doubt this is going to make border-crossing a royal pain in the shitter. We shall see. - So now... clothes in the dryer. Time to turn the TV off and figure a nice way to enjoy this v-ton... and perhaps another. Tomorrow? It's another fucker. She'll roll in when she gets round to it. There's an electrician or somebody due to show at about 14.00 and she's already said that she's not sure she'll be back by then. So fucking typical: just toddle on. Ah, but she left a fucking mess in the kitchen when she left (oh, and she took the POBox key too... moron) and I've not touched ANY of it. I've Hoovered in there, might mop tomorrow. But I've left her shit exactly where she'd left it. I'm NOT cleaning-up after her too. I'm fed-up with this at this point. Not that it makes any difference to her. Qunt. - Yeah... time to wrap this day up. (It's getting chilled in this room and I've got the radiator up to half on “full” and a roaring fire in the wood-stove. Though, she's got the thermostat set at 65F... idiot.) - 22.20 Just up-dated the blog and the Journal site. The local doc. got to be 14 pages! At least my records are current now... I can relaxez-moi.

Thu.18.Oct: 1.42 and 2° with rep of Minus 1. - Off to bed. - 9.04 Delightfully awakened by a tiny “thud” at 8.13 (because I slept all through the alarm at 8.00). Mimou at bed-side. How charming. And so, I was up and in the “routine”. Let them out into the “freezing” (yes... 0° with chill of -2... and brilliant sun-shine, of course) morning air. Get breakfast for them, coffee for me, stoke the wood-stove, let them in to eat and off to the loo where, this morning, a discovery: A pea. A perfect pea. Come through exactly as it went in last evening. Discovery? It's no wonder I'm feeling as miserable as I do of late: My body isn't digesting what I' not chewing. There we have it. So, either I have to figure a way to chew more or... what-ever. (Reminding me: I need to “fill” some teeth this morning.) - Meanwhile... forecast for Sunday: RAIN AND SNOW! Oh the JOY! Well? I have to learn to drive the truck in such weather anyway. Looks like Sunday will be lesson 1. Now, to figure a destination. Plattsburgh? We'll have to seriously ponder. But it comes as no surprise. It truly doesn't. It's only “typical”. - So, for today, the floor should be mopped. I don't know who's expected round about 14.00 and don't care, really. No sense “cleaning” up-stairs because of work that needs to be done anyway. I know there's electric work to be done. We shall have to wait and see. - And now, feeling rather “drained”, nose a bit on the “drippy” bit, I'd like, very much, to go back to bed but don't dare. It's chilly in the house this morning. The furnace would help but I don't dare try that either. Alas... another day... just another day. - 12.16 I'm showered. The bed-things are re-washed. Davie came by to take the cup-board doors and moulding. We chatted... friendly-like. And now... I should move the truck but I don't want to. I'd LIKE to take a nap. I should mop the kitchen floor but I don't want to. I'd LIKE to take a nap. And the nap will probably win out. I'm just “TIRED”. And pondering Sunday... well. Pondering is no good. Did I mention? I'd LIKE to take a nap. - 14.17 She's just rolled in and with, the electrician. TIMING! I'd laid down for a nap (20 minutes) and decided to get up a bit earlier than the alarm. Sprayed the kitchen floor with Lysol and wet-mopped so the place smells freshly cleaned. Moved the truck. All was “in order” (save the shit she'd left behind which I didn't touch). And she came in, went up, looked at the paint-work and whined about painting the ceiling. I said “If he cared... maybe.” She replied, “But he doesn't care.” Done. I doubt she even noticed that the windows weren't washed and I'm not sayin'. She did, how-ever, thank me for the “nice fire” in the stove. So that's that. I'm done. - Now... to set on Sunday. She says they had some kind of sleet in So.BTV yesterday. Let's see where it all goes. - I'm rather hungry... nothing in to eat though. I've got 22 bux to “spend” here. Time alone will tell how that runs. - At least my clothes and such are clean and so too... am I. And the house passes for “work”. - Oh... she asked if I'd gone to the PO. As I was saying “You took the key.” she picked it up from the kitchen table. So I added, quickly “I didn't have time.” We'll just let it ride.

Fri.19.Oct: 10.18 and just getting up and around. Feeling rather like warmed-over left-over shit this morning. Any wonder? It was “last smoke” at 2.47 this morning! Why? Because of soc.med. and the usual inability to get to sleep. But I managed to “jot” some notes to complete Thursday... and so, I'll fill in the spaces now, whilst the place is in relative peace:
This evening, we had franks (2) and some mac'n'cheese for “meal”. It was quite good, and filling. What concerns me though is that I was “thanked” several times for “all the work” done up-stairs. I mean, the gratitude is quite abnormal. I have to wonder... Isn't that horrid? To have to wonder about expressions of gratitude. Well, there we have it: the work is done... for the most part. A shame, really, that the only thing left now is the stairs to be painted and it's going to be too cold for the next few days to do them. Oh well. We shall see what comes of it all. - I told her of my “find” on-line about the oil pressure in the truck. Seems it could well be because of some dirt in a little “AFM screen”, nothing, according to the “GM-Owners Blog” to be horrifically worried about and the part costs about 5$. Replacing it isn't all too difficult if one has the proper tools (which I don't). She was SO thankful for the information too! (But, of course, now she thinks she's “armed with info” and will tell the mechanic that that's the trouble. She's talking of going to Mike to have the work done. Apparently Sears said they don't have the equipment to test the situation. Should be interesting to see the out-come of this. One thing though: She has the trouble and so do I and we both had the oil changed at Mike's just before the trouble. Dirt in the oil? Now... I wonder. It's as I say: It's not that I don't trust Mike... I just don't know about his mechanics these days.) - It was by about 20.30 when Mme. went off to bed. She's got to be out again by 7.30 for some “training” and she says she'll be shopping for a few items that she needs yet for up-stairs (and the new door for the garage). - I was up entirely TOO late through the night. I changed the “On-line” page on the “Author” site to indicate the closing of the fesses-book and twatter accounts and made a notation on the “Blog” page about it. Then went to the soc.med. with the intention of a “quick visit”... which involved a v-ton... which led into a second v-ton which dragged the night into the morning. To think, I drag my arse about all through the day, needing naps and the likes and when time comes to get to sleep... I simply can't. - At 2.47 this morning, I was just heading out for “last smoke”! May as well call it “3.00”, with the alarms set at 8 and 8.30! Is it any wonder I feel like shit most of the time? Poor eating because of no chewing added to poor sleeping. I have to wonder: Is this how old folks fall apart? - Somebody posted a reference to a book “The Wind In The Willows” and I found a video of it. Animated story of a mole, toad, and such. So I down-loaded and watched it... but at 2.30 I was listening to music (the Comunards “Never Can Say Goodbye”) and such and maybe it was the second v-ton that I was finishing but it all put me into painful crying... and missing Denis. I really must get round to phoning him... AND to writing Dorothy and Donna. Anyway, as I put the light out at about 3.00, it was almost fitful, trying to get comfortable and to sleep. - Of particular note though: The temperature in the room reached up to 27° tonight! Partly because I'd have the radiator up, but surely, she must have put the furnace up as well. Imagine! 27°! It averaged at 24 for a good part of the day. Heat? In this house? Well! Something must be happening. - Anyway, thus is the wrap-up.
So, this morning, I finally rolled out of the bed at about 9.30-ish for coffee. Note on the kitchen table that Hallie had breakfast. It's already 10.41 as I'm typing this. Hallie is out-side. Mimou is in his little bed in the room here. The sun is shining. It's quite cool out there. Not too bad in the room here, but certainly not the 27° of yesterday. No complaints. As I've said, I feel rather like shit. Vodka and poor nutrition couple with miserable sleeping habits. - On the agenda? Nothing, really. Too cold to paint the steps and there's nothing much to be done up-stairs (and nothing that I truly care to do for the slag that's moving in). So we'll just roll along with the time. I've no idea when Mme. will return but it won't be before some time this after-noon. There are letters I should write and calls I should make... Eve too! Let's see what we actually get to today. No way of telling... until tonight when it's all done again. - 13.06 Another morning shot to shit on soc.med. - Dave came by, replaced the cup-board doors and moulding. We chatted ever so nicely. I have to think: They DO know better than the bollocks pitched by Mme. about me and the “verbal abuse”. They MUST. Anyway, he took the bottom drawer that Bob Bender was supposed to fix, years ago. I'd've done it, but I don't have the tools. Let's see how this all plays out when the drawer is useable again. (No doubt: Dave was wonderful.... no mention of my mentioning it to him.) - Anyway... as usual, I want a nap... and something to eat. But the nap will come... the food? Maybe not so much. - It's slightly above the 50°F minimum required for painting... the steps... I'm not going to be bothered. - 19.55 Great hour; eh? I napped for a couple of hours before being called to “dine” on 1,5 pieces of fish, some squash and rice. (I'd finished the mac'n'cheese though this after-noon so I'm “fed”.) No doubt, though tired now... we'll see what happens in about an hour when it's time to actually sleep. - Would have been a perfect day to work on the stairs but... I didn't. Justin Wells (must remember that name) will be by tomorrow, about noon, for lease and such. That should be interesting to see what lease he gets. - Dave replaced the cup-board doors. Look very nice. He says he put a finish on them. I don't see it but it's none of my business. Meanwhile, Mme. bought new blinds for up there... 50$ EACH! None of my business. And she sprayed an entire can of “Febreeze” up there to the point where the entire house now smells of it. Again... none of my business. - I've read through the entire owner's manual for the truck. Now... to worry about the inspection... and whether or not I'll make it to Monticello next month. I need money for the under-coating too. Always something. But, no prob. - Meanwhile, nice breeze blowing, quite comfy warmish-cool. Rain tomorrow, sun and quite awfully cold for Sunday. I still have to figure where I'm going. Still looks like Plattsburgh. (I need new under-wear for one thing.) - Anyway... wind-down time. Maybe tonight, no v-ton. - 22.11 and the house is shut, all are tucked-in and I'm tired but... A bit hungry, “peckish” too but there's nothing on which to “peck” tonight. Alas. Spent time looking at a banque... Adirondack, in Plattsburgh. Pondering, that is all. - So... tomorrow is a rather “nothing” sort of day. Mme. said she's going to Noyan at some point, to get cheese for her trip on Tuesday. I hope I won't be dragged along. - So for now... perhaps *A* v-ton and some sort of tele and try for some sleep... again. I do a lot of that of late... “some sleep”. Oh well.

Sat.20.Oct: 2.48 FUCK AGAIN! Well... Twitter became active. Minds too... with Willie saying he was leaving. Oh well... One last smoke and another “NAP”... after 2 v-tons and no munchies. Fuck me! - 10.00 I heard the 8.00 alarm and dozed until 9.00-ish when I got up and had a bottle-pee and went to lay down again because I was feeling rather “hammered”. (Those v-tons were a bit more on the heavy side than they should have been and with nothing to eat with... I'm paying for my night of fun.) Fell back to sleep and had a DREAM:
I was on upper Broadway (West end) NBG, heading back to “home” which was some several thousand miles away. (Ambiguous... some place in the South, NYC or VT... just “some place”.) I heard a noise from the truck and noticed that the Tonneau cover was extremely loose, sagging toward the tail-gate end! I pulled off to the side of the road, in the general vicinity of the old A&P. There was so much traffic and no place to properly park but I needed to get the truck off the road. As I pulled to a spot, the engine became weaker, no power. I remembered reading that this was “common” and that I could still drive, so long as I didn't stop the engine. If I had to stop the engine, there was no guarantee that it would start again, so it was important to keep it running. But it was losing power as it ran. I didn't know what to do. I kept it running. As I got out, I notice some kind of 'cord' that was supposed to be wrapped round the steering wheel... it was VERY loose so I tried to re-wrap it tighter, but as I tried, the cord stretched and became even looser to the point where I couldn't get it to fit properly. I was beginning to get sick from anxieties thinking the truck was falling completely apart and I'd be stuck, 1000s of miles from my destination! AND, in, of ALL places... NBG! It was already very late in the day, and growing darker. Cloudy, rainy, nasty weather for being stuck like this. I turned and looked into the truck again. The gas and brake pedals were gone! Only some sort of metal “boxes” in the floor where the pedals should be. I thought it OK for driving though. - I had to look in the back of the truck. It was FULL of just general stuff... as if I'd packed to move or that I'd been just tossing things in, as some people do, using their vehicle as a “catch-all”. Nothing in particular was there... just stuff. As I'm looking in from the driver's side, some guy (who looked like Mr. Bean) opened the passenger side door, leaned in and began spraying “Febreeze” all over everything! I got REALLY pissed at him and told him to stop, but he just shot me a disgusted glance and kept spraying. I took out a cigarette lighter and threatened to blow the truck and everything up. He stopped spraying. Just then, some burly, obese shit-bag old guy started rummaging through the stuff that was in the truck bed! He wouldn't stop rummaging and ignored me when I yelled at him so I decided to just get the truck started, take my chances with it and just drive off. I got the engine running again, put the truck in gear and, with all the people standing about, I just drove through them all, not really looking. As I cleared the crowd and got back on the road, the engine, weak as it was, started to sputter... and I woke.
Looking at the clock... 10.00 on the dot. And I feel like I've been drinking all through the night! EX-FUCKING-HAUSTED! Well.. here goes another one of “those” days. - 13.47 I've managed to pass the morning hours, feeling quite sick to the stomach, fatigued and generally shitty, “cleaning and clearing” all sorts of shit that's accumulated on the table. Notes and tape and nails and general shit. I don't know why, really. Just something mindless to pass the time. I can't really nap or snooze today because I have to get to sleep early so as to be awake and ready to roll tomorrow morning by about 11.30 at the very latest. And then there's still the “destination” and purpose. Well, no sense worrying about it all now. It'll be like every other “trip”... just get on the road, head some-where and see what it all becomes when it's all over. - “Justin” is here, at last... later than scheduled. I almost can't believe that Mme. actually printed another copy of the lease... but as it was, as I'd done it. No modifications. I wonder now, will I be called upon to “explain” anything. We shall see. Meanwhile, it'll be interesting to see if he actually signs. I've NO doubt that something will be over-looked or that she'll be making all sorts of amends to it. Well, Dave and I agreed that leases have to be comprehensive. What she does about it all is her business. I just damned-well won't be tolerating all sorts of general bull-shit here any more. To be sure. - And so... my guts want to blow, my head wants to explode, my sinuses want to be emptied, my body wants to lay down and die. And honestly... I've got miserable chest pains again today. But... the clock ticks, the seconds become minutes, minutes become hours and soon this too, shall pass. - 15.31 She's just left... QUICK SNOOZE! - 16.36 Quick snooze done and just in time. Dave's here... installing the 50$ window shades up-stairs. And Justin DID come by... they read the lease and Mme. motioned “it went over his head”. Yeah... it went over both heads. But it's done. And she's got a cheque, from his mother, for first and last months, post-dated to 1 Nov. Oh well... So be it. - Meanwhile, I feel like absolute shit! I hope I feel well enough tomorrow. - 21.54 and she's out on the recliner, the doors are secured and I've take a Robax to hopefully ensure a good night of sleep. She's going to mass and will be back at about the time I should be leaving. Maryrose suggested taking her Subaru up and back which I think is a marvellous idea and so, aside from where I'll be going and what I'll be doing with the day, it all sounds quite good. Rain is due at 15.00 so that's fine too. We shall see. At least I'll be able to shower in the morning. - Now... to hope for a good night of sleep and waking feeling “well” in the morning (and I know that's probably not going to happen... just no stomach difficulties... like I've had most of today). - Oh... and she was going to head to Verizon again tomorrow because of phone troubles. I fixed that too. Good little man that I am. - 23.40 Fuck me again... LAST SMOKE! And hope! (Soc.med. again.)

Sun.21.Oct: 7.59 And the day I dreaded has finally arrived. Sleep last night was good... when the horrific nightmares finally stopped. Yelling! Break-ins. Theft. Threats to life. Snippets, mostly. But violent. (I wonder if I didn't yell-out during.) But then they passed and here we are. 2° now with a high of 4, low of 1 tonight. Clouds, clouds and more clouds but thankfully no rain or snow (but that's to be seen). So... coffee's had, smoke to follow, and there's time between now and 11.30 when this day will actually come to a rolling boil. (I woke, at first, of my own, at about 5.30 this morning, heard the 7 and 7.30 alarms and was fine, rested, refreshed. Woke again before the 8.00 alarm and when that sounded, I was fine... rested and refreshed. I've typed this much and I want to take a nap. Wow... fucking depression, anxiety... it's all become a part and way of being.) - 8.25 In from a smoke... and the slightest of flurries, wind and cold... “Briks”, as it were. Oh yes, and that “lump” in the chest/shoulder, left side and up into the jaw. Reminding me of the same pain I had as I was dozing off last night. For a while, I thought I was having a heart-attack. Actually, I fell asleep thinking of how inconvenient it would be to die in my sleep. How charming. How typical. It's going to be an interesting sort of day... indeed. Much is because of the anxieties of driving “a new vehicle”, as I just said in the kitchen, in inclement weather. Oh... anticipatory anxiety. That's all it actually is. The only way to know how it will go is to see what's at the other end. If nothing else, the slower driving will stretch the day. Perhaps it's a gift. - 11.06 Well... I'm showered and dressed and if I looked even 10% as bad as I feel... I'd frighten the breath out of others around me. Tight chest. Churnny bowels and generally so fucking weak. But... this too shall pass. KADIMA! - 17.36 Back. Great timing. And a lovely sort of day that didn't yield any under-wear (which I was hoping for). But TWO books on the Adirondacks, new ear-buds (from Rite Aid! Champlain) and a “Lake Champlain NY” hat (aslo from Rite Aid). 3/4 tank of gas and here I am. And the young gal at Rite Aid... FROM PINE BUSH! - 19.50 Three franks and fried rice for “meal”. A little chocolate half'n'half for desert. Have to wash out the washer before putting my jammies in. The were sweaty this morning and smelling a touch “sour”. - The “concert” is only just beginning and I've no regrets about not being there. I'm exhausted. I even napped for about an hour after eating. - But it was a delightful day. I still can't imagine how I managed to pass all that time and get back here only an hour before I would have, had I driven all the way I'd said. Still... I made it. - OH, almost forgot to mention: In Chazy, I looked at the Tonneau cover on the truck and... it was LOOSE! The velcro had let loose by the cab. Imagine? I was almost terrified that it was this morning's dream coming true. Fortunately, it wasn't and the drive was un-eventful.

Mon.22.Oct: 0.28 Well... no sign of nor word from the “band”. Temperature is zero, chill of -1. No snow. A bit of moon through some clouds. It's not like she's not come rolling in this late or later before with-out word. I've had 2 slices of bread with almond butter and am having a “Sleepy Time” tea. There's fire in the wood-stove. I turned on the light in her room. The light is on for the back. Nothing much more I can do. I've got 2 books on the Adirondacks to read through. Mimou is snoozing by the stove. Ms. Hallie is on the sofa. I suppose it's time to roll this night up. I've spent my time on soc.med. I can't think of any proper excuse to stay awake... waiting. Oddly enough, for me, this is a usual hour to be thinking about getting into bed. But tonight, some-how, it's different. Worry is useless. What is, is. At least my jammies are clean again. - I sometimes think about what it would mean if she took off and had a terrible accident. Hospital... and I'd still be here, no doubt. Death? Her kids would have me thrown in an instant. I have to think of these things. I know, too well. - Anyway... tea's done. Wrap it up. - 10.01 and let's see how much of this morning I can get to here... since I'm only JUST up and out of bed and dressed and had first coffee. - Well, Mme. rolled in at about 1.00. Maryrose drove so a good time was had by all. (I rather taken by the fact that she wasn't quite all impressed with the presentation... but then, it's rather like everything else with her: no appreciation for the work that goes into things. O well...) Anyway they went, they ate, they saw, they heard, they returned. And I had my chance at a “presentation” of my own which, oddly enough, has been backed-up by a post on Crgslst about atrocious conditions of rental offers in the very area of Essex county! As the advert states: HOONOO? But all worked-out well enough for the events and affairs and the day and by 2.09 we were all settled in our respective rooms. I poured a v-ton because by that time I wanted one to take the general edge off the day and to help with sleep... and got into bed with the “Ghosts of the Adirondacks” book (which I covered half-way and, well... it surely isn't the ghosts of the Shongum... but some-where there's an author who's happy with my purchase). As I say, got half through the book, finished my drink put the light out. It was probably about 3.00... and then... THEN!!! - 3.30 SPASMS! RIGHT LEG. UP AND STAND. Back to bed. 4.00 SPASMS! RIGHT LEG. UP AND WALK ABOUT. Back to bed. 4.30 SPASMS! RIGHT LEG. UP AND WALK ABOUT. I put a sock on the right foot to see if it would help since, when I nap during the day I don't have spasms and I'm dressed, wearing socks. Well... the last spasm was at about 5.00 and I was so exhausted that I just fell asleep, AT LAST! despite it. - I heard the 8.00 alarm... and turned it off... and went right back to sleep. I'd set another for 8.30 and I never heard that one. But at some point, I heard Hallie bark... Dave came by for something (up-stairs, I've no doubt) and I heard chit-chatting but I just laid in bed until 9.51 when I finally got up and about. I don't much give a shit what others might think of my sleeping pattern. It's rather like the “new patterns” of these corporate types: like Bill Graham used to claim: you don't need 8 hours of sleep... take, what became known as “power naps”. That's pretty much what my life and existence are of late. - Anyway, here I am, here we are, here's the fucking day. This fucking lap-top has managed to fucking piss me off already with the touch-pad and the cursor bouncing all over as I type and just the general fuckery of a regular day here in Fukhole. So, at 10.18, time to roll along with what-ever I can today. Tomorrow is an EARLY morning of driving Ms. Jacquie to BTV to put her on a plane to “The Golden Girls” resort until 3 Nov. KAY... SARAH-SARAH! - (And my usual morning pains in jaw and chest commence. Oh goodie... yep... confirmation that I AM awake... and fuckmeall... “alive”.) - 20.42 THE FUCKING STAIRS GOT A COAT OF GREY PAINT TODAY! I DIDN'T BOTHER DOING A GOOD JOB OF CLEANING THEM, NOR DID I DO A GREAT JOB OF PAINTING THEM, BUT THEY'RE GREY and I've no doubt that they won't dry properly, but, as I told Mme... “You don't care. He (Justin) doesn't care. So I don't care. It's good enough for me so it's good enough.” Yeah? 15.30-18.00. ANOTHER 2,5 HOURS INCLUDED IN THE 200-FUCKING DOLLARS. Well? If I get the chance and have the energy, I'll put another coat on. I might even cut and place some of the old roofing shingles from the barn in stead of the treads she never bothered to get. We shall see. And oh... when I'd done with the painting and came back into the house at 18.00, she went round to look at the steps AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, KNOWING THAT I'D ONLY JUST FINISHED PAINTING, SHE STEPPED UP ON THEM! WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT! No bother. If I get to put the second coat on and there's a foot-print... I don't give either a shit or a fuck. - Then, Dave came by and we got talking about things and inspections came up. Seems Pammie's nephew is just getting into the inspection biz... so I'll be bringing the truck to him. Dave said that the rockers shouldn't be a trouble and if I get the inspection done next Thursday, it'll push next year's to December! YAY! I'll take that. A relief there. (Though, at the way I've been so weak of late and the pains and such, I doubt I'll even have to be thinking about such things come December of next year.) - Had some kind of noodles with left-over meats and some carrots for “meal” this evening. Filling. - But truth of the day is that I keep feeling quite light-headed, woozy. I had to take a muscle relaxer to work on the stairs. But that's not what caused the woozy. The lump in the chest, the pain on the tongue, the muscle pains from last night's spasms... it's all taking a toll. There's something quite not right and perhaps, even, terribly wrong. But I don't have time and I don't really care. I mean, as I thought today: What will “treatment” do? If I can't get something that will allow me to function at 98% again... death comes to us all at some point. I can't be so bollocksed with such bull-shit. So we shall see. - Right now I'm a bit pissed. She said she was going to be in bed by 20.00 She's till strutting about, pulling her shit together for tomorrow. We have to be on the road by 6.00 and I need a shower. But she's in the loo, and in the kitchen, having slept for the past 2 hours. Yeah... so *I* have to drive her to the airport in the morning and drive back here... on what? 3 hours of sleep again? And she gets to park on a plane for several hours, snoozing. Typical bull-shit. All about “ME”... these slugs. - Well... I've brushed my teeth in the WC and when she's out of the way, I'll get my shower. I suppose I should be happy... 12 days (or at least 10) of the house to me... ME! - So... with a bit of light-headedness... I wait for my chance to bathe and then? HOPE HOPE HOPE for a night of sleep! Painless sleep! - 21.35 SHOWERED and smoked and done. Now... a little reading and to HOPE for SLEEP! And to wake in good order tomorrow morning. - 22.55 Another fun night on Minds... but now it's time to ... HOPE!

Tue.23.Oct: 4.33 AND A NIGHT OF SPASMS... LEFT LEG, LEFT FOOT. I WAS STILL UP AT 1.04 THIS MORNING! AND HERE I SIT... AGAIN... AT THE TABLE, FINISHING FIRST COFFEE... IN A SWEAT (it's 26° in the room because I had the heat up so I didn't have my legs in the sleeping bag because that's what causes the most trouble with my legs... until now). He flight leaves at 8. We have to be at the airport by 7, out of here by 6, I won't be back here until 9 (or so) to be able to “nap”. BUT... when I DO get back, I must remember that, unless some douche or shit-bag comes along... I can “nap” until 3 November! (Or so.) So... just let me make it until 9.00. - 12.39 and we made it to the airport and I made it back by 8.00-ish! And honestly...

I AM NOT AT ALL WELL TODAY! HAD ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE HORRIFIC EPISODES ALL THE WAY TO BTV! THANKFULLY I WASN'T DRIVING. HARD TO BREATHE. SO LIGHT-HEADED. HOT PAINS FROM BOTH SHOULDERS DOWN BOTH ARMS. NAUSEA. AND THE EPISODES LAST LONGER NOW. CLOT? HEART ATTACKS? I JUST DON'T KNOW, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THEY'RE GETTING EVEN WORSE. I SAY NOTHING BECAUSE IT WOULD DO NO GOOD TO SAY. AND I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD WHAT AN INCONVENIENCE IT IS (OR WOULD BE) FOR ME TO HAVE TO GO TO HOSPITAL. NOT TO MENTION, THE NEXT 12 DAYS ARE AN INCONVEIENCE TO ME *AND* THE LITTLE ONES. BUT SERIOUSLY... THE FACT THAT COMPOUNDS THE ANXIEITIES OF ALL OF THIS IS THAT I DO NOT WANT TO DIE HERE! I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT I'M BACK UP NORTH AND SETTLE FOR THAT. BUT I'D MUCH RATHER BE IN NY. AND I *DO* BELIEVE THAT DEATH IS WHERE I'M HEADING AT THIS POINT. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... AND NOT IN THE VERY DISTANT FUTURE. THERE'S SERIOUS TROUBLE WITH THIS OLD BODY. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NOT OVER-DUE. AND IT'S NOT AS IF I DON'T RATHER WELCOME THE END OF ALL OF THIS BULL-SHIT CALLED “LIFE”. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO “GO” IN PEACE. THIS MORNING, I SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED GOING TO THE E.R., BUT I HAD HALLIE IN THE TRUCK WITH ME AND COULDN'T POSSIBLY LEAVE HER ALONE WHILST THE MIRIAD OF IDIOTS POKED, PRODDED AND THEN, NO DOUBT, TRIED TO KEEP ME OR TRANSFER ME TO SOME OTHER FACILITY. SO WE CAME DIRECTLY BACK TO THE HOUSE WHERE, IMMEDIATELY UPON ARRIVAL, I WENT BACK TO BED UNTIL JUST ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. THE “NAP” HELPED BUT ONLY JUST SLIGHTLY. THERE'S STILL LITTLE, SHARP PAINS IN THE CHEST AND A BIT OF LIGHT-HEADEDNESS. ARMS ARE ACHY. MY NOSE IS DRIPPY TOO. STRANGE, THAT. I FEEL AS IF I SHOULD BURP. DID SO, A BIT, ON THE TRIP BACK UP. IT HELPED... A TINY BIT, AND FOR A MOMENT OR SO. I FEEL AS IF I SHOULD MOVE MY BOWELS TOO. HAVE DONE... EVER SO SLIGHTLY. IT DOESN'T DO MUCH IN THE WAY OF IMPROVING ANYTHING. AND TOO, OF COURSE, NOW THAT I HAVE THE TRUCK AND AM SO VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT, A DREAM COME TRUE, SHIT WOULD HAPPEN AND I'VE NO DOUBT, I'LL BE TAKEN OUT AT THIS POINT BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING THAT GIVES ME HAPPINESS. WE CAN'T HAVE THAT: ME, BEING “HAPPY”. OH FUCK-THE-LORD NO! ME? HAPPY? THIS MUST STOP! WELL... I'VE GOT A HOUSE TO ATTEND AND LITTLE ONES WHO DEPEND ON ME NOW SO, THE DAYS WILL ROLL ALONG AND WE SHALL SEE WHAT'S TO COME. IF NEED STILL PRESENTS AND I'M STILL ABOUT ON THE 4th NOVEMBER, I'LL HAVE THINGS CHECKED. THEY CAN DO BLOOD-WORKS AND THE LIKES... BUT I'LL BE MAKING IT QUITE CLEAR THAT THEY'VE NO PERMISSION TO PERFORM ANY “TESTS” THAT ARE EVEN REMOTELY RELATED TO ANYTHING “ONCOLOGICAL”. SHIT! IN MY EXPERIENCE, FOLKS I'VE MET DID BETTER BEFORE THEY WERE MADE AWARE. BESIDES... IF IT IS SOME SORT OF CANCER, “TREATING” IT DOES NOTHING. THE FACT IS: WE ALL MUST DIE AT SOME POINT. EVERYTHING “DIES” IN ONE FASHION OR ANOTHER, AT SOME POINT. FROM TREES TO BUILDINGS... EVEN CARS AND TRUCKS. IT CAN'T BE STOPPED. SO “KNOWING” DOES NO BETTER. IF IT'S THE HEART? WELL... THERE ARE THINGS THAT CAN BE APPLIED TO “ADJUST”. AGAIN, NOT PERMANENT, BUT I'VE GOT SOME THINGS I'D LIKE TO DO BEFORE KICKING-OFF. IF THEY MAKE THAT POSSIBLE, THEN, FINE. OTHER-WISE... I DO SUPPOSE I SHOULD INVEST A LITTLE TIME IN FIGURING OUT HOW I BEST NEED TO ADDRESS THIS SITUATION... DYING... EVEN HERE... WITH THE LEAST IMPACT. - FUNNY BIT: NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT ALL OF THIS... FROM THE DECAYING HEALTH, THE DISCOMFORT AND PAIN, ON TO THIS VERY JOURNAL. TWO COPIES ON-LINE OF IT ALL AND NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT. KNOWING ALL THAT'S POSTED HERE WOULD MAKE NO DIFFERENCE TO ANYBODY AND IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO THE OUT-COME. BUT HEY... THEY MAY AS WELL KNOW ABOUT IT. (I'll have to figure some way of simply dropping a link or hint into somebody's life... just to let somebody know. I think it's time for at least that much. It's all about the “how”.)

So... that jotted... I can't put the 2nd coat on the stairs today. There are spots from yesterday that haven't dried. Yeah, imagine that. No surprise there. I need to get water from the barrel at the green-house into the house to water the plants. THAT should be interesting. Wood needs to be brought into the kitchen and the stove re-started. The little ones have been in the house, on their own all morning. They just had lunch though. Poor little critters. And I suppose I should think of something to have to provide nourishment. “Boost” and “Centrum” vitamins come to mind. Nothing that requires chewing or heavy efforts at digesting. That might help the over-all situation. My chewing of food is almost nil of late and I'm sure that's creating an un-necessary effort on my body. There's almost nothing in the house, though Mme. did run an inventory of something yesterday. I wasn't paying attention. And the freezer is stuffed... in the kitchen AND the garage. There's “edibles”... if anything is too solid, I just have to come up with a way to make them less so. My primary concern is the little ones. Other than that... I'd be just as comfortable with getting into the truck and headed to some secluded old road in the hills... to “wait for god”. - 13.07. Time to roll here. Gotta find something to “do today to make ya fee proud”. - - 13.13 and both editions of this Journal are current. - 16.37 AND... in the past 2 hours I've managed to bring in water from the barrel, water my plants, hauled water from the barrel and watered the plants in the white room, cleaned and re-started the wood-stove, stacked wood in the kitchen for the house and for me, re-stacked the wood in the garage (which is down to about a cord... she needs to learn how to burn that shit because I don't want to have to stack any more of that shit), brought the last of the tomato cages into the barn, came back into the house where I swept the floors, Hoovered the floors, mopped the kitchen and even changed a light bulb in the wall sconce in the living-room (replacing it with a bulb from another lampe, of course). And just got a message that Mme. landed in Tampa at about 16.15... so I replied. - How do I feel? Well... “PROUD”... and the pains are a bit relieved. I'm rather like Mme.'s truck's oil: as long as I'm moving about, there doesn't seem to be trouble... Maybe what's “wrong” is a “blockage” of some sort and when I get moving, the blood pressure or what-ever increases and all's rather well-enough. I don't know. I don't care, really. But I'm thinking of having a chat with Pammie and Davie. Somebody needs to know just how incompetent this old woman actually is. She can't use a Hoover, won't clean her own fucking house, is miserable with time management... It's all a farce. Is it my concern? Yeah. Should it be? Absolutely not. But she does need help... in many ways. I'd like to be instrumental in getting that for her... before I kick-off. - Have decided against shopping for food for tonight. There's shit about the place. I'll avail myself. Relax a bit. Watch a bit of TV. Clean me and my clothings and turn in for a night with a v-ton (since that seems to be the only thing that dodges the SPASMS). - Tomorrow is running day. Get my money off that fucking card and figure the rest from there. “Boost” and “Centrum” vitamins might be on a list of shopping to be done. We shall see. - Even as I sit here now... the “wooziness” is returning. Fuck me! I WILL NOT DIE HERE! - (But at least the house is in some order.) - 23.08 MUCH later than I'm happy with but at last, the house is clean, settled, I'm showered and the wood-stove is stoked. I napped for about 30 minutes from 18.00-18.30, had a “meal” of the left-over “stroganoff” and followed with ice cream... with the NY maple syrup which is INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS! I MUST get some MORE of it! Richer. Darker. Not so “maple”. Just really great. - And now? My second v-ton and I'm off to soc.med. The v-ton is because I want to SLEEP tonight and the vodka seems to be the only thing that stops the spasms. Nice... can't get proper medical treatment so booze it is. - Anyway... I don't want to be up much longer. I've running to do tomorrow. So off I go. - 10 more days of peace left.

Wed.24.Oct: SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO TODAY!!! SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. JEEZIS F. KRISTE!
- 1.57 and 3 v-tons later... let's hope for SLEEP! - 10.09 Garbage out. Mail in. Woke at 7.00 to pee. Back to bed. Heard the 8.00 alarm. Turned it off. Went back to snooze. Got up with the 9.00 alarm to...
* * * * * SNOW * * * * *
Charming. And feeling like I'd been hit by a truck last night. But... NO SPASMS. One must be thankful... for the vodka. - Now... dressed... errands to be run. The roads are clear. The snow is a mere “dusting” and the temperatures aren't all that cold. Zero, as I see it. So... - 11.26 Time to toddle... enough of the day has been tossed about. - 13.46 OK... Bed things in the dryer. Made the trip to get the soc.sec. off the card. Then across to Shell to put 55$ into Mme.'s truck to FILL it! (She left 80, I tried for 60 but 55 filled it to FULL! So it'll now sit, full tank, until the 3rd Nov.) Then to Hannaford's for crisps for tonight and to replace those of Mme.'s that I had last night, franks for meal tonight, yoghurt for today's “lunch” (hopefully it'll help with my stomach, which has been “emptying” all through the day, little by little) and some “Boost Optimum”... 4 bottles for almost 10$, shit. And, I just rang “Kaleb” to make the appointment to have the truck inspected on the 1st November. - Meanwhile, this morning's snow is disappearing in the drizzle and fog. - I think I'm about to take a “nap” too. May as well. - By back is a fuck today. Can't figure why... other than the dampness. But... if there was to be a day with-out pain, it would be the day I died. - I still have to ponder today... 7 fucking years ago. It doesn't seem possible. But at least the weather was better then... Matter of fact, it was quite warm, as memory serves. What a difference some years make. Fucking shit. - 21.35 The house is settled. I've been showered and this day is done. - Seven years ago, I was settling-in in a bed in a hostel in a town I'd never been in, didn't know, really didn't know my way around in a state that might as well have been a foreign country on another planet in another galaxy. This morning, I'd walked out of an old hospital room in NYC's oldest psychiatric hospital-turned-homeless shelter. I was only just slightly less alone tonight as I was when I'd left in the morning. I had dreams of making a wonderful life... Seven years later? I'm warm, laying in a bed in a little panelled room, alone, in a house where I've never felt I belong, just as I knew I didn't belong in that shelter. My back is painful, my head is light, my heart feels as if it's had more than enough of this thing referred to as “living”. It's quite crisp out-side, though the moon is shining in a very clear, indigo night, and I've just poured a vodka-tonic, in the hopes that it will stave-off muscle spasms that will wake me through the night to come. Yes, I'm grateful that I'm not fighting the cold tonight. I'm grateful that I don't actually have curfews, the requirement of queuing to “sign for my bed”. I'm grateful that I've eaten a meal today (4 franks on rice, ice cream with a “Boost”). My “dream” has been crushed into less than dust and is only a memory now. It makes no difference at this point in time... because I don't see that there's much more time coming to have to put up with it all. Seven years later... and it's all as clear, if not clearer, than if it had happened 7 days ago. - V-ton and soc.med. Tomorrow... the banque and smokes. Well? There's that. Banquing and smokes... Québec. I managed that much of an old dream. There.

Thu.25.Oct: 1.08 3 v-tons... and the hope for sleep. Last smoke. (7 years ago... a visit to TD... and the excitement of going to a place called the “North Star”. Imagine that! Fuck me!) - Chilly in here. Need to re-stoke the wood-stove... then go for last smoke. - 8.54 and I was up and moving, routine running by 8.37, on this brisk and grey morn. Why? Because there really isn't much choice in the matter. The little ones depend on me. (One day, there won't be anybody depending on me... I wonder: Will I even bother to wake up then? I doubt it.) - And now for the planning of the day. Banque? Smokes? What? I suppose we hall see... tonight... when another day has passed. - Back pain is some-what relieved. Stomach's not great but not too bad. Head? It's here and there. All told, it's one of those “little better” mornings. - At least the fire is going in the wood-stove. YAY! Something. - 10.59 This morning's feeling OK has gone straight to Hell. My back is so sore that even the slightest moving about is painful. I keep having to use the loo... something in the bowels, it seems. And I can't get warm enough. Time to try for a lie-down with knees in nose. No harm in trying. Thankfully, there's nothing urgent on the agenda. Still, there are errands to run. Let's see what happens this after-noon. - 13.41 Well.. I've gotten new bite-guards done, put new elastic on the bottom teeth, brought in more wood for the stove and only just had second coffee... following an hour's nap from which I woke a touch worse than I was before I'd laid down. Took a muscle relaxer too, for all the good that'll do now that it's almost too late to head to the banque or any-where of the sort. And the wood-hauling didn't do my back any good. Oddly, I keep having to move my bowels and now, what comes is more like some type of mucous and not stool. Something's “tewibly wong” here. Oh well, dear me, what the fuck. So long as expectations are met, mine and, more importantly, others'. - 21.42 The day is done. Accomplishments? Well, I've (tape) repaired two of the broken tiles by the wood-stove to keep the pieces together. Hoovered just a bit. Prepared 4 franks on “buns” for meal and had ice cream. - I've been in absolute pain all day and even now, I'm afraid to sit here at the table for too long for fear of not being able to get back up. I'm literally afraid of going to bed for fear of not being able to get out of bed in the morning. I've take 2 Robax at 20.30 and will now “wash them down” with the last of the vodka with some tonic... in the hopes of sleeping well enough to be well enough to make a run for smokes tomorrow. (I'm also going to get some “Coffee Crisps”. Hey... Halloween's coming. We'll need something “novel”... IF I can actually function. - As for the pain? This time isn't the back. This is something in the bowels. A blockage? Cyst? Tumour? What-ever it is, it's not just the back. But the fact is, I can't afford to go have it checked right now. I mean, the ER is out of the question. They'll take too long. I've got to attend the little ones. And if they try to admit me? Well! There's a fuck, if ever there was one. Right. Admit then transfer. Or even just admission is out of the question. Maybe after election day. Maybe. We shall see. Meanwhile, we roll with what-ever comes along. - The house is shut. I'm not going to bother with a shower tonight. I couldn't get to my legs and feet anyway. And tomorrow, I can always make a wash... of clothing, jammies and me... after I make my own errands. - Received ANOTHER photo of Mme. on her holiday. She says the “election” (electrician” MIGHT be here on Monday. MIGHT? WTF? Can't even make an absolute appointment. It's just more of taking it for granted that I've nothing else to do, and even if I did, it doesn't matter to her. Self-serving, selfish, typical, common, expected at this juncture. It's been 7 years... I've learnt. - So now? Let's see how Robax reacts to vodka. And if nothing untoward happens? There's tomorrow. - (I'm going to post this now... so that it's recorded. Why? Just for my own peace of mind.) - 21.56 Done... on both, blog and site. Current. Fine. -

Fri.26.Oct: 2.52 The phone cut us off... HOURS OF TALKING WITH DENIS! And it ended... with what I've always wanted him to know... I never thought I'd be good enough for him... and oddly... he was almost the same. - Finished the vodka. The pills and vodka have only barely taken away the pain. Time for a nap. - I'm still in love... And fuck me... he's been in love too... all these years. Life... what a fucking curse. - Anyway, I'm not really sure what time it was, but I was sitting at the table on a rather “quiet” night of soc.med. when the phone rang. Maybe round about 22.30 or so? Anyway, when I saw the number calling, I KNEW it was Denis and figured I'd pick up. WOW! Am I SO EVERY FUCKING DANCE-HAPPY I DID! We TALKED... AND TALKED... ESPECIALLY ABOUT 1974 AND THE PARK AND THE PEOPLE AND HOW (oddly) WRONG I'VE BEEN ABOUT HIM ALL THESE YEARS. We discussed the old “You WILL get over it.” and he said that he though that I'D said it quite a lot. Ah... when I told him I learnt it from HIM and that I admired him for it because he could pick up the pieces when a relationship broke, he told me that he'd never BEEN in a “relationship” with those people I thought he was bouncing about with. He tells me that he's been as much in love with me over the years as I've been with him. AND... HE AGREES THAT, SHOULD WE MARRY, HE'LL COME TO BE UP HERE... IN THE NORTH... WHERE WE CAN GROW OLD TOGETHER! He's got an aunt who's dying right now and won't leave until she's gone. BUT HE AGREES TO COMING UP HERE! I NEED TO FIND A HOME FOR US! And we talked about G's. He said it would be great to get married, UNDER A CHUPPA, at G's! He's given this some thought, I must say. We talked about SO much, in romantic tones and “sexy” tones. We TALKED ON AND ON INTO AND THROUGH THE NIGHT! KRISTE! I wish I had some place to bring him to now. I WISH we'd've been able to talk TOGETHER, IN PERSON. But what a MOST WONDERFUL gift! Finally... to know about each-other... well... to LEARN about each-other... even over all these years. (Now... quite frankly, honestly and sincerely, with as poorly as I've been feeling of late, with the “episodes”, the soreness on the tongue, the bowels, the back... I have to wonder: will I actually live long enough to see this become reality? Or, will all turn, as it always has done in my life-time... to shit, and now, with the truck AND a husband, THE HUSBAND, MY HEART AND SOUL... Fate will come in and kick me off into oblivion?Now I'm HAPPY, OUT OF MY MIND ENCHANTED... AND, I'm fucking pissed because, well... I can see what's coming... and I don't like it!) And so, I finally told him abut the situation with sister. He had to change the subject because he said he couldn't handle the “hate”, even over the phone, but he understands... still, he has a “bond” with her. I told him that was perfectly fine, and warned, just don't try to “mend” things. He said he wouldn't. We talked about Oma, Mama... Broadway, the park, G's... SO SO MUCH! And when his phone gave up... the conversation ended. But not before we got our hearts out into the open. It's a brand new chapter in my life. And as I told him: I've been married to him for 46 years... he said, he thought of it the same way for him. “Marriage” or not... we've been married all these years.

- 9.16 The little ones are fed, fire is re-started, had a coffee, vit., smoke. Going back to nap a while. It was VERY tough, getting out of bed. A little better now, but still painful. Appendicitis? Will look and go back to bed. - 9.29 Doubtful that this is appendicitis. So? Goodness me. What can it be? (Not important... I need a nap. Things to do this after-noon!) - 12.24 RE-start to the day after a lie-down of about 90 minutes and a bit of a BM that seems to have relieved SOME of the pain. - Sun is shining. Sky is blue. Temp is a bit on the “cool” side and I'm off to try and shower. - 16.48 By shortly after 13.00, I was out the door. By shortly after 15.30 I was back in the door. - Got “detained” on the way in today... nothing serious, just the kiddies (a little boy and a little girl) having their moment of what-ever they think they should have. As little monsieur said “Just have to verify.” Moron. It didn't take but about 5 minutes, but it's annoying, none-the-less. (And there I was.. 600$ deposit! Fukkem.) - So, the run consisted of getting to the banque and making the deposit (at the usual shitty rate of 1,26) and it being a delight to see the folks there. Over to Métro for some candies (but they didn't have the minis so I had to by the 4-bar package of Coffee Crisp and Mirage but that's OK because they're for ME anyway), and of course, laundry soap. - Toddling along to the dép and a carton of smokes, that leg of the day was done and I was back to the 'muricans where the “Welcome” was brief and pleasant. - Headed directly to Enosburgh for vodka and gas. - Took a few photos en route because tharz snow up on them thar mountains in the distance! (Sent a photo to Denis, Dorothy and Mme. already today.) - Well... the clap-trap boozer shoppe didn't have a single 1,75l bottle of Smirnoff in the place! Says the little missy, “We haven't been able to get any Smirnoff in the last two deliveries and it goes on sale next week.” Yeah... what-ever. I wasted ANOTHER trip because of your ineptness. BUT... instead of a 25$ bottle of Smirnoff, I splurged... a 33$ bottle of Stoli! (Michael Goldstein used to swear by Stoli... and Pats & Eddie too. We shall see.) - ONWARD to the Mobil station where I though 20$ would fill the tank. Nope... 19,50! GLORIOUS! I'd put 60$ to the side for vodka and spent 33-plus, 60 for gas and spent 19,50. GLORIOUS! And the sun was shining, the temperature wasn't bitter cold. Yes indeedie... (I'm to be punished though... to balance out the pleasant... to be sure.) - Currently, the fellow up-stairs is moving in mattresses. I've not finished up there... but I guess I have. Once he's placed his belongings on the premises, anything more to be done will be Mme.'s responsibility. I'll not trespass... I've been accused of more than enough fucking bull-shit in this shit-fuck hole. Okey dokey. - Anyway, right now, I'm tired again (no surprise). My bowels have been a bit better, but as of this morning, I'm still shitting in little bits. I toss between wanting to know what the fuck is going on and not wanting to know. - Time to serve dinner to the little ones... (and me, I suppose) - 21.13 And so I was snoozing... so fucking tired from all this pain, and I hear “bathump bathump bathump”... He's moving shit in! At this hour of the night! How charming. Oh well. I suppose it's to be expected. More incentive to GET THE FUCK OUT! Anyway, earlier, I'd strolled up to Pammie's to verify the telephone number of her nephew or what-ever and she tells me that “Justin” up there, has a story of woe. Seems he married straight out of high-school and the parents pushed the issue of having children AND THIS is the first time he's living in a place of his own because he married and had some place and rather shortly after the marriage came the divorce and he moved back in with “mommie”. 36 fucking years of age... Kriste! It must be so nice to be so pampered. Well... the shit will, no doubt recommence, in spite of his lease which I'm certain Mme. Qunt won't enforce. So... here we go. (Or, perhaps I'm just being too fucking sensitive... badump badump badump over-head.) - Oh... can't sit here typing for too long. Something about the position in this chair that sets my guts off. - 22.16 Showered. Lights in the house are out. And it's been surprisingly calm up-stairs. MAYBE? (I doubt it.) V-ton time. And tonight I'll bring the lap-top to the bed instead of sitting at the table. Hopefully that'll help with the “pain” problem. - Mimou just came in! He's in his little area at the head of the bed... by the warmth of the chimney. I'm THRILLED! My little man. (Oh... Pammie commented that Mme. comments, frequently, that Mimou “loves” me “more than he loves” her. Oh... fucking little jealousy here? Wouldn't surprise me. Immaturity runs amok across the spectrum that is this state.) - Message from Mrs. She KNEW her Justin was going to be moving in today. “Maybe you still have time to tidy.” Nope Quntina! My treading time up there is DONE! YOU deal with it. I'm not worth telling? You're 200$ is O-VUH! FUCK YOU! - Need to expound on the phone chat with Denis too... Note to self here. I'm still in a bit of shock over it. 22.39 done.) -

Sat.27.Oct:10.34 and I'm JUST having coffee ... first coffee. I DID feed the little ones at about 9.30 (Mimou was in the room here last night). But... I barely recall shutting the lap-top down at what-ever time it was that I did so... THREE v-tons! WHY? I don't know. But they suddenly came round and SLAMMED into me and I recall just shutting the browser, cutting the Internet and waking this morning. And although it doesn't show (as it were), what's going on IN-side me is NOT pretty. Head aches. Stomach's off. Chest is thumping about. Bowels are cramped. Back it sore. I was just laying back down when some shit came knocking on the kitchen door and then on the door here to the little room. Who? I don't know. I'm not concerned either. And at 8.00 this morning, Quntina sent word that her cousin is expecting a package and is there anything on the porch. Y'know what? FUCK YOU. Have your moron cousin come check the fucking porch. “... want to know if she can pick it up”. If it's+9 there? Sure! If not? I'm not going to fetch it. - Anyway, I need to stop. My chest is tightening. All of this actually IS approaching stroke or coronary and I don't need that. - Oh, just thought: If I actually DO have some sort of “kick-off”, this door-knocking this morning just shows what would happen. Oh well... - 12.20 Getting things together. I have to get to the ER... Things are REALLY WRONG. - 18.14 Well... I went to the ER. In by about 13.00 and out by 16.30. Findings? My heart is actually quite perfect. They found an 8mm “node” on my right lung and gave me a referral to an oncologist in Colchester... as if. Also, thrombocytopenia... serious enough for them to be concerned. So? So before I left for the ER, I texted and called Mme. asking her to ask Pam or Dave to come by at 17.00 if I wasn't back. All day I heard nothing from her. When I got back in, I rang Pam to say I'm back. Yeah, Mme. phoned her and then spent the next half hour chatting about her holiday. SO “concerned”. Typical. She didn't ask how I am until 16.41. “What happened @ the ER hope you're alright??? Let me know.” She's worried that she'll be inconvenienced some-how. What-ever. Meanwhile and anyway, I still have the “episodes” but I'm believing it has to do with that complication with those vitamins, some weeks ago. Something in the stomach... and probably the intestines. Bloods were drawn and nothing else showed so... As is usually always the case: nothing gets done to “repair”. Story of my life. - Then there's news about 11 people being murdered today, at a synagogue in Pittsburgh PA. The guy is in custody, and the news is reporting that he was posting all sorts of anti-Semitic stuff on social media. Yeah? I've been the recipient. Now they're talking about silencing these people. Me? I say: If you silence them, you'll never know about them. But what the fuck do I know? Eh? - So all have eaten. There's a cold, semi-frozen rain falling. The house is cold and I'm exhausted. - And Pam and I have an appointment on Thursday for inspections. - I might not get to see Dorothy during her visit this time, but I'm looking toward spending a day or 2 in the Hudson Valley... with Dennis. With a “spot” on the lung and what-ever, I'm going to dedicate my time to the one person who means the most. - 22.51 I'm willing to bet that the trouble with my back/bowels is a cyst. (Well... at least I know it's not my heart.) If that's the case, the only 2 “cures” are antibiotics (I need a doctor) and walking it until it “gives”. So... we'll just do the “walking” bit for a bit and see what happens. - Good thing of the day is the appointment for the inspection next Thursday morning. - Oh... texts from Mme. about the fucking package? NOT a package on the porch but the one I retrieved from the PO! So she's going to tell her cousin to pick it up... “anytime”. My bets are on first thing in the morning... just to be spiteful. We shall see. (Is it any wonder I don't feel well? Insufficient proper sleep... ALL THE FUCKING TIME around here.) - The news has been loaded with the murder of 11 people at a synagogue in Pittsburgh today. More “Jew-killing In America”. Moe was right: He said the anti-Semitism would become worse. We're not a stupid people, us. - NEWS-WORTHY OF THE DAY... MULTIPLE TEXT MESSAGES FROM DENNIS! HE TEXTED! He said he didn't really have the knack for it but he sent messages! He's staying at his Aunt's until tomorrow night. But I am ... Well ... ecstatic ECSTATIC!!! I also looked at fares on trains and planes from there to here. Train? Great for coming here, but getting back? He wouldn't get to Poughkeepsie until 19.00 and if he took the train from P'keepsie to Beacon, he wouldn't get HOME until 21.00! I'm NOT subjecting him to that. Plane? 700-1200$!!! For Stewart to Plattsburgh or BTV! Shit! So, I'm thinking: when Mme. is back, I'll take a couple of days... drive to Nbg and stay at some place rather nice where he and I can spend a night or two together. I want some place very nice (and affordable) but staying there will be better (cheaper) than driving down to get him, bringing him here and then bringing him back... Monday to Friday or Tuesday to Friday... whilst Mme. is away. Besides, the time away from here might do me some good. Anyway... DENNIS IS BACK IN MY LIFE AND THERE'S NOBODY TO GET IN THE WAY NOW!!! - Oh... I took the nipple-ring out today before going to hospital. I'll have to figure how to get it back in... or not... we shall see. - Well? Time for a drink (ONE!), some soc.med. and to bed. (No doubt, there'll be “entertaining” tomorrow... re: packages.) - One extra note: This morning, Justin “stepped out for a cigarette” and locked himself out. I let him in up the in-side stairs. And, his girls are with him tonight. They were only a bit on the “bouncy” side for a brief while but all's been rather nice and quiet since. Lettuce prey.

Sun.28.Oct: 3.22 I'm going to be SO Sorry about this but Gab got taken down today. More censorship of the shit-bastards, but when it came back up again, I couldn't leave. Also got chatting with an other-wise anti-Semite and into a great chat! But now... 3 v-tons later (I know I shouldn't but the pain is gone and that's what matters)... last smoke and a nap (no doubt). - 10.17 and yet, another day of living Hell with this lower back. And the worse it gets, the more I can imagine is wrong. Cyst? Probably. Where? Anybody's guess. - I slept through the few hours last night and surely, it wasn't enough. But as I look back to when I closed this morning, 5 hours? Certainly NOT enough sleep. The curse is that I can't even get any rest during t he day because of the bull-shit now, of the package. But today, when I need to snooze... I'm just going to do so. Best I put the damned shit on the front porch, send a text (that will be ignored) stating so. (Sent the text... package by kitchen door.) - This back pain is a curse. And the belching that comes with it... what-ever is in the lower back must be pushing the stomach contents about. Anyway... today's pain is worse than the previous days... maybe what-ever it is is coming to a “head”. (Maybe it'll burst and I'll be hauled away.) What-ever. - Time to move along... moving might help. I don't know... maybe going back to bed will help. - 11.04 nap time try. - 14.05 and I actually napped for a bit over an hour. But there's the constant sensation of having to burp and to move my bowels. I DO move, a little at a time. But I no sooner get off the bowl and I feel I have to go again. Annoying... Thankfully, I have access to the loo as I want. There's that much to be thankful for. - And it's still rainy, damp, cool. And more wood needed from the garage. The “work” might help with the pain... it some-times does. - I have to find out how to apply for medical now. I've got some “plans” that need addressing... in rather near future. - Glad to report: It's been quite quiet up-stairs today. Nice. Poor guy, having to do all that cleaning. But then again... he's moved in before the lease so... - 23.11 and there'll be no v-tons tonight. - NOTING: AFTER MUCH RESEARCH ON-LINE FROM FORUMS AND THE MAYO, “INCIDENTAL NODULES OF 8mm ARE 5 IN 100 MALIGNANT. MOST PROBABLE CAUSES ARE “SCAR” FROM SOME IRRITATION, CALCIFIED FUNGUS, INHALED IRRITANT. OK. CLEANING OUT THE BARN AT 5225? CLEANING OUT THE BARN AT 5199? TEARING UP THE CARPETING AT 5199? CLEANING OUT THE ROOMS AT 5199? STACKING WOOD AT 5199? MOWING THE LAWNS? *AND* THE BIKE RIDES ROUND VERMONT IN THE MISTS OF LIQUIFIED MANURE? FUNGUS? KRISTE KNOWS WHAT FUCK-ALL I'VE INHALED SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE. I'll call the doc tomorrow, see what's to come. - Meanwhile, tried to register for Medicaid on-line again... THWARTED because of fucking Experian again! ANOTHER fucking phone call I have to make tomorrow. Meanwhile, I keep thinking that if anything untoward was actually wrong in my stomach, something would have shown on the x-ray. So... it's most likely some herniation of something or another that's causing the reflux of food. (Tonight, I had spaghettini with sause poutine and cheese for meal. It had to come back up twice before finally making its way down. But the ice cream after REALLY helped settle and sooth.) As for the general malaise? I've little-to-no doubt that that's being caused by what-ever it is that's giving me all the pain in my lower back. Once again... no anxiety necessary. - AND... meanwhile, Mme. Quntina has the electrician coming tomorrow (tentatively) and of course, has NO fucking idea WHEN! FUCK! I'm expected to just sit about waiting for her irresponsible bull-shit! I'm quite fucking fed-the-actual-fuck-up with this bull-shit! But then again... I've resolved to simply go on about MY business from now on anyway... come and go as I please, do what I wish and want when I wish, want and can. “Reciprocal consideration”, and fuck her and her bull-shit. (She's got plans to toddle off to Ottawa at some point in November... THAT will be AT LEAST an over-night. Yeah? Good luck with that, sister. I'm hoping to get to either Monticello or Newburgh or perhaps even BOTH... and THAT will be, AT LEAST, an over-night. (I could see Dorothy in Monticello and stay in a hotel in Newburgh and perhaps spend the night with Dennis! How about THAT for a “holiday”?) - Looked at “wedding rings” (again) this evneing. FOr about 300$ I can get two... Ani dodi v'dodi li. And as a hoo-hah, today I thought: Pam's going for Justice of the Peace... I wonder... Will have to look into the cost of weddings and see if Dennis would mind a “Vermont wedding”. If we can swing it... we COULD. Though, I'd MUCH prefer AFTER I find a place in NY. (And since he's willing to move up here... after his Aunt passes... and this “incidental nodule” is, most likely, benign... there should be time. I just have to take better care of me... get the Medicaid, clean-up what-ever it is that keeps causing this back trouble and... ) - So, right now, the house is still. Justin is “entertaining” again, this evening. I'm getting some things together to be put into a box ready to be sent to Dennis in the event of my “demise”. Mostly the iPod. And I want him to have this lap-top. It's rather nice having some-one to care about again... and even nicer to know that it's somebody I've been in love with all these years. - On that note, in the absence of vodka tonight (no tonic available and I'm really not in the mood anyway)... time to settle down and in for the night. No shower again. I'll make washes tomorrow during phone calls. - Charming all... just fucking charming... all. - (I need to get back to looking for a place in NY now too... in earnest!)

Mon.29.Oct: 10.15 The last time I looked at the time this morning, it was 2.25. I'd been laying, crunched into the fetal position, for over 2 hours, listening to the thumping back and forth, back and forth up-stairs. At some point, I did fall asleep, only to be awakened by the 7.45 alarm. At the 8.00 alarm, I tried, EVER SO SLOWLY, to get out of bed, make my way to the loo, then let the little ones out, get them breakfast, get coffee for me, let them in to eat and head to the loo for morning BM... which has been for about an hour, as is usual of late. - The electrician? Here at 9.00 so the time in the loo was rather “constrained” because of waiting for the knock on the door. They'll need access to the basement and of course, I'm here, so it's my “responsibility” to give them access. They haven't come... yet. - Meanwhile, the PAIN... PAIN... P.A.I.N...!!!!! !!!!! in my waist, it's no longer just in the back but now completely around my waist, is excruciating... EX-FUCKING-CRUCIATING!!! All the way up and into my arms at this point. Yesterday, I “repaired” the draw-string on my sweat-pants whilst standing because I was afraid to sit, for fear of pain trying to stand again. Right now, I'm sitting, and fearful of the pain I'll have when I have to stand again. I'm actually, physically sick from all of this, and I don't dare to take meds now because of all the other “nonsensical”... “incidental” complications. I want to lay down, try to get some SLEEP! Sleep... denied, denied, denied. - Last night, before heading to bed, I browsed the Crgslst for flats. “Downstairs” or “in a house” or what-ever it was, nothing that appeared to offer any peace. That place in Rouses Point, the one in the little “guest-house” over the garage... THAT would have been perfectly delightful. I guess I just have to hold to some kind of hope that similar will come along. I guess I have to hold to some hope that it will come along SOON. I'm on “burn-out” at present. Tired. In pain. Annoyed. Aggravated. Physically sick. In pain. - Need to phone Medicaid, Finance at NWMC, that Oncologist in Colchester. (I won't be able to get to that one until such time when this pain is gone... I can't drive in this condition.) “Things” that should be attended... and all I can think of right now is trying to go to sleep... at least until this pain is gone. I'm so tired... just so, SO SO VERY tired. - 11.14 the electrician just left... never came down here. I wonder: Wiring can't be done with-out access to the circuit-box? Alas... again... not even the common basic human consideration. I'm a non-entity here... nothing more nor less than what was the “nigger”... not even the “hise nigger”. - I'm still very tired, though the pain has subsided... only slightly, and when it does... the fatigue hits. - 22.05 Got everything from this morning up to 11.14 posted to the Journals. Napped a bit. Thankfully. AND had a few hours of considerably less pain. And so... I got the stove stoked, the ash-bucket emptied, got a few pieces of cedar in from the barn, went to the PO. I've got a whopping 21$ on my benefits card! WOOHOO! (You can pay your rent... they say. Fuck.) - Also... rang for Medicaid and they're sending me the paper forms. “You should get them in about 5 days.” Morons. Well... better that than nothing. I suppose. - Rang Dennis, but he couldn't talk when I got through. I hope all is OK with him. (I've turned the phone off for the night though.) - Sent a message to Dorothy saying that I'm making “travel plans” to see her (and a stop in Nbg). She never mentioned anything that sounded even remotely like she looks forward to getting together so I'm focusing on Nbg for a couple of days... before Winter really strikes. A couple of days with Dennis... nice hotel, just some “quality time”. - Well-cooked pasta for “meal” with a candy bar after. A cup of camomile tea after. That's that for that. - I've got the pain back again now, but, un-like the past few days, I can hear things “shifting” in the bowels. Movement. How nice. Hopefully tonight will shove things back to the way they should be. - Message from Mme. inquiring about the electrician. She asked if I'd gotten any help at the ER. She has NO idea why I even went. I'm not getting into it. I simply ignore any mention of. No use or sense in saying anything at all. - Oh... I've decided to go with the Health Centre in Richford for my primary, if that works out OK. When I get the forms, I'll call to make an “introductory appointment”. Funny thing: the treasurer of the Centre is... Connie Burns! Imagine that! Don was so worried about her when we lived in Richford. She had cancer. So she's still alive and if she's on the board at the Centre, it must be OK. Once that's all done, I'll “consider” the Oncologist. But I'm taking the “Wait And See” approach. 8mm now. We'll see what the next check shows. If it increases, I'll have it looked at. If not? I'll wait at least until I'm back in NY. - And that's that for this. Time to hope for some sleep tonight. Mr. Justin Up-stairs is at work until 23.00. Let's see if his “company” comes again and plods about until 2.30. (One should best hope that no such thing occurs again, tonight. EVERY one should hope. I'm not in a particularly “kind” frame of mind... especially about such things as that.) - No shower again tonight. I just don't have what's needed for all that. Tomorrow... hopefully, I can scrub away ALL of these past few days. - 23.49 TO BED! (Perchance to sleep.)

Tue.30.Oct: 9.38 AND... First coffee (with vit.C, vit.K and a naporxen), breakfast has been served, the little ones are in the yard, the stove is re-stoked, the recylcing is at the curb (including all the stray cardboard), no dishes in the kitchen sink, I'm dressed (of course) AND I've had a rather impressive BM this morning (though the pain is still “there”... to remind). It was a rather OK night of sleep, though, of course, not restful nor refreshing. One spasm that I refused to get out of bed for. And so... lettuce sea where the rest of this shit-day will bring us. There are things I should get done, things I don't care about. “Things”. I'm still weary, still weakened from fighting the pains. But I'm mobile. Blessing? Or curse? Time alone will tell. - Yesterday, Dennis said he'd call back. He hasn't. I'll hope it's nothing horrific for him. After all, his Aunt is ill, dying. “She's all I have left.” I know how that is. He's actually “all I have left”. But again... only time will tell. - Now to see what can be accomplished with the remainder of this time. - 13.58 and I'm up and about. Just back from the PO to extend my NRA membership at only 25$... paid through 2020 now. I think that's pretty much OK... 2 years and the 2 months left of 2018. No more dues until 2021... from the grave. Had a lovely chat with Lisa about “stuff”. So my “social” is done for the town as well. - Now... I should Hoover... and SHOULD figure what to have for “meal” and how to get it. I don't want to drive... my back isn't too bad and I don't want to sit for too long. MAYBE I'll have a “good night” for a change. (V-ton? I need the “v' though.) - A nap would be delightful but I don't want to lie down either. We shall see... But at least I've “done” something... I suppose. My goals and standards are shit. - 16.01 WOOD STACKED IN KITCHEN, RE-STACKED IN GARAGE! GARAGE SWEPT. FLOORS SWEPT AND HOOVERED! And I STILL haven't figured “meal”. Oh well... time to get to that. - 22.36 Officially locked, completely, out of Twitter... ALL accounts. And again, the reference to Juan Williams. The monkey can dish it out but... Yet another reason why I no longer live in The City... Fate knew. - But on the UP side: I'M SHOWERED!!! SCRUBBED!!! DELIGHTUFLLY SO!!! TEETH BRUSHED, HAIRS WASHED, ARSE WASHED, FEET AND TOES SCRUBBED... I AM SHOWERED! I AM CLEAN! I AM HUMAN AGAIN! (Now, I have to get to the laundry and wash the sleeping-bag on the bed! EEwww. Last night I woke in a totally drenching sweat... my body killing-off what-ever is in there. But... ICK!) Never mind... I'M SHOWERED! AND, I DO BELIEVE I'LL HAVE A V-TON TONIGHT! Tomorrow is trash-to-the-curb and tomorrow night is “play nice with the little shits of the village”. (I do it because Hallie will love it. I don't know WHAT I'll do with Mimou though. There's a day to figure it.) And so... on with the night before it turns to morning and I get pissed with me again. - Oh... PS: I'm listening to the iPod! Have been during the day. My singing voice is turning a bit jagged, rough, harsh. Old age or... what-the-fuck-ever.

Wed.31.Oct: 3.24 I suppose it was worth it, staying up this late. Made good with “Willie” on Minds. Learned to appreciate Heather Small more. A bit tired. Still in some pain. But... “search for the hero inside your-self”... and “what have you done today to make you feel proud?” Made others feel better about themselves. I can't do it for me... but... pay something forward. I hope that I've done that. - 10.10 (WINS... you give us 22 minutes, we'll drone right through it all). - I woke at about 8.00-ish, set the alarm for 9.20-ish and woke about that time, feeling none the worse for the THREE v-tons (yes, again) before bed. True, I don't feel any better nor worse that if I'd had none. The usual morning lump in the chest, nausea, fatigue. Such fun. Fuck. But the morning routine, including the dragging of the trash, is complete. And there we have it. Now, for a bit of a BM and... fillers for the day, which will include a nap because tonight brings the little cretins of the village to the door. Yeah... such fun. Have I anything on the agenda? Polish the Goodwill boots. They're getting that “white” again. (I wonder if it isn't some sort of anthrax.) Other than that? No doubt, I'll find something to stretch the time. But tonight I must get to bed early enough... tomorrow at this time, I'll be toddling back from Berkshire... .truck inspected. (At least, it had BETTER bet that way.) - Seems to be a rather warmish day. Drizzling, but warm to the point where it's almost uncomfortably warm in the little room this morning. (Or... I have fever.) - No “Twtr” any longer. ALL accounts have been shot to shit. And I'm making NO effort to clean any of them up any more. No sense. No need. Back down to only one... “Minds”. I cancelled the subscription to the Fox up-dates as well. Hey! It might just make my life a bit better... knowing nothing about what's going on in the rest of the world. Just be a local hokey for a while and see how that works out. - Oh look! A Fox up-date on the phone! So much for “unsubscribe”. Even after my nasty phone call to them yesterday. Dense... Well, at least it should be comforting to know that the world is still packed with dim-wits. All's well. - (14.19 on Thursday 01.Nov:) And so... last night's adventure is another holiday in the past. But I have to say, it went very well... and really rather quickly! I had my scrambled eggs (6) with the rest of the turkey, at about 16.30, toddled to the store for ice cream (Lactaid... chocolate... ICK!) and bread (just because) and toddled back to devour it (the ice cream). By about 18.00, the little folks started coming... even in the rain, bless their stoic and determined little hearts. I started giving hand-fulls of the candy out, never expecting there to be very many. Hallie had a BLAST, of course. Mimou spent the time hiding on the chair, under the dining-room table. Poor little one. The kids (and the adults) were SO POLITE! Thanks came from each and every (except, of course, the youngest who were just so timid it was heart-warming). And truthfully, I enjoyed seeing them (to a point). - By 19.30, almost all of the candy was gone... but the street emptied! The last group said something about going to a “party” at the school so, I supposed it was done for the night. (Past experience has been that the older shits come after the school party and I was having NONE of THAT shit tonight!) So... I reclined in the royal recliner, with “Discovery” channel on the TV and... dozed right off... until about 21.00!!! Woke, got up, put out the lights, TV and such, shoved a few more pieces of wood into the stove and... I was off to BED!!! No beverages, no snacks, no nothing... just right to bed. THAT... was THAT... was ALL. - It didn't take very long and I was asleep too. Now THAT was pretty much amazing! AND WELCOME! - So another holiday done... another day done... another month... done. (SHIT! And I'm still in this fucking hole!)