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Sat.1.Apr: FUCKING APRIL… A-FUCKING-GAIN! ANOTHER FUCKING MONTH AND STILL IN THE SHIT-HOLE. – 8.25 I said: “We still have to make it 
Sun.9.Apr: 21.53
A new journal.
Sun.2.Apr: 9.34 Having had NO intention of anything of the sort, I woke at about 8.00, got out of bed at about 8.15, pee’d, coffee, Hallie out, Hallie fed, thermostat re-set, recyclables out, re-started the wood-stove, swept the floor, Hoovered to the length of the cord, mopped and…. done. NO intention of such nonsense this morning. But it’s done. Un-appreciated. But done. – And now, as the sun tries to break through the morning clouds… another fucking day begins. Fucking charming. – Last night, a message: don’t know when the truck will be ready so don’t know when will be back. We’re SO accustomed to things being done… by others… on demand… according to our wishes… and… because ’tis the manner of the state… half-assed. Oh well. Pray tomorrow’s road trip is still on and will happen… with at least, an over-night. Farewell… bon voyage. – 23.16 I’ve been in bed from since about 21.00. But that “WAKE UP TIME” is happening again. Night. It always happens. It’s more a *FEAR* of going to sleep. Dreams. Or just the night itself. – As for the day? Well, I started merging the DA journal. Working on 2008. The years prior are going to need adjusting. There’s a LOT MORE work to be done on it than I expected. But… it’s something that I feel I “need” to get done before… – Jacquie got in at about 17.00. As I rather expected, she’d gone “jaunting” again. Nice, that she has somebody to take care of Hallie and the house now. But then again, I’m the “help”. That’s fine. I don’t really give a shit anymore about it all. She’s “kind enough” about it all. But my “place” here has been established. So she came in, un-loaded the truck. I was just having 2 rolls with cheese (meal) when she arrived and had just come in from running the Subaru. (There’s moisture in the line. It spewed some water. The engine still smells like something’s burning in it. But it runs… very well. And I moved it about, mostly to get it on higher ground and levelled-off a bit better. Now, to hope that it will take to the road and take me out of and away from here! And to hope that that opportunity will present SOON!) – I got the solar lights back on the little brackets too. I’m just in from last smoke and they’re all lit nicely. May they last… – Anyway, she un-loaded the truck and started putting some stuff in for tomorrow’s “road trip” to… Maine… NOT with me. Then she had a couple glasses of wine and I had a beer. AND SHE BROUGHT 2 PACKS OF SMOKES… of course, because I’d gone out and gotten one… at 9,97 at the store. Oh well… best to have “too many” than none. She ate a bit too and then insisted that I join her in the parlour for some TV. Why “insisted”, I don’t know. But… it wasn’t too long before she decided to get to sleep. And so… off we went. She to her room and me to the little room. – Tomorrow, she wants me to help her reserve a motel room for Monday night. She said that if Jay is icy, and the trip on Tuesday takes to the evening, she’ll stay another night on the other side. That might mean she won’t be back until Wednesday evening. We shall see. Meanwhile, I’ll still have Monday night and into Tuesday for certain… in the house. Do I like it? I don’t care, much. No matter what, I want away… back to NY! – I posted to fesses-book a few times today and found a photo of “Andy’s” that I posted to the “Remembering Newburgh”. It didn’t take long for somebody to recognise it! Imagine? And there are some comments on it as well. (And I’m sure that nobody recognises me there. GOOD!). – But this evening has been quite the education. Stumbled upon a Chad Prather video: “How Much Are You Worth?” where he compares people to a 20$ bill. “If I offered this to you, would you take it? Of course you would. You don’t know where it’s been or what it’s been through…. It could have been used to by a prostitute… drugs… could have been involved in a drug buy gone bad… If I tear it, tarnish it, would you still take it? Of course you would.” Compared it to people… and what we’ve done, been, gone through. It reminded me of Edgemont where, apparently… obviously… I’ve lost that dream… and with-out so much as a “Fuck off” note. It helps me think of my situation here in a better light. Folks who are stupid enough to dislike me simply because… and to know better that I’m worth a HELL of a LOT MORE than they’re worthy of. (Even Peter and Ev said as much but….) So, the day ends on a better note. – So now, it’s a bit on the “chilled” side out there tonight, but not horrid. But I now Mme. is back because… the heat is coming up. There was a little fire in the stove all day, but I’m certain it will have burned out by tomorrow morning. Thankfully, I doubt it will be re-started… she wants to be out of here by 8.00.. and wants me to help her book a motel room… on-line before she goes (since she didn’t bother over the week-end… imagine that). – So, now, at 23.35 I’m done with my soc.med., had my smoke and will be turning off the light… hopefully to get some good “nap time” which I didn’t get all day today. – Oh, one more note: This after-noon some broad came into the porch, opened the kitchen door and called “Hello?” I was at the front door! As I came to the kitchen she asked “Is Jacquie home?” “No, she isn’t.” “Oh. Sorry to have bothered you.” and she just left. When I told Jacquie about it I told her “I was going for the lead pipe! I mean, especially considering the last time somebody just walked in the door.” Made my point. Delivered my message. One of these days the shit’s going to hit the fan with these morons. May I get away from here LONG before that. – Off… day’s done.
Mon.3.Apr: 7.17 Morning routine done. Mme. in the “pinkle-room”. I woke at this hour (wanting SO much to go back to sleep) to help with the room reservation but… as usual… dodging another bit of a responsibility this morning. Well.. you can lead a horticulture.. as it were. And I can “nap” when the house goes quiet… IF it does so, with the twats above. – Sun rising. How horrible to be in the BACK of the house. I DO prefer to be “greeted” by sun-rise, instead of watching it off in the distance. Never mind that. Just never mind it at all. – Let’s see where this morning goes and how it gets there. And then? As the truck disappears o’er yon horizon… nap time! – 21.36 SO FUCKING SAD! Hallie’s in the kitchen, on the floor, under the table. She saw me head out for a smoke and laid there… She does NOT like being alone. And this “trip” Mme. has taken is so not necessary, contrary to what she claims. She waltzes in the door on Sunday evening, falls asleep and on Monday morning, waltzes back out the door. NO fucking sense of responsibility. “I have to work to keep this house for Hallie.” Yeah? Well, Hallie is a sentient being… and knows, full-well, that you’d leave her alone in a second… obviously… because you do. Fuck. And what when I’m no longer here? Huh? What then? Same shit? Probably. Or leave her to the twats up-stairs? Right. Fucking shit. Pisses me off and sickens me. It’s not like I don’t have my own concerns and needs. But, that poor creature. And today’s not a good day for this shit. I see that the Fagtards up the road DO have a second dog. Same colouring as Dixie but a “boxer-sort” of mix. HAD to “get rid of Dixie”? Fuck! I DO hope, with whole heart and being that Karma swings in, fast and furious… and soon enough for me to witness. How fucking DARE they? “Get rid” of that wonderful little being? People! Especially the ones here, are mega-shit! Plain and simple. I’m learning SO much from this being here. Fuck them ALL! Really! Carry-overs from the Shelter days. People… just plain shit-bags. – As for the day. 2 more months “merged” on the DA. It was a difficult day. I was exhausted for most of it. I don’t understand the constant fatigue… constant. Draining. I DID get out and clean out the fucking “berry bushes” (more like brier) at the phone shed. Why? Because it was a delightful evening, warm and clear and I had to do something out there. And it needed it. Do I give a shit? No. Not really. It won’t last. It won’t be long until it looks like the rest of all of this… fucked. But I got some time out, and Hallie got some time out. So… WE got some time… out there, in the air. – I had the left-over old chicken and potatoes for “meal”, ice cream… hers. Watched O’Reilly and wrapped the day up. That’s that for that. – Now? A gin and tonic. One beer left and one rye. Do I give a shit any more? Nope. – OH! And at 21.00 the fucking phone! Her “Andrew” or what-ever. Wants to bring “dirt” over tomorrow evening. “Leave me a message. I can leave it on the porch if the door is open or at the end of the stairs if it’s not.” Fuck you! I’m not a “receiver” here too. NOT my job. So tomorrow evening, that will be here at some point. And I don’t know whether Ms. Mme. will be returning. Off in Maine… at the shore. With her “friend”. How nice. Put me in MY place, this does. – I NEED NEED NEED TO GET OUT OUT OUT AND AWAY AWAY AWAY from this shit shit shit! FUCKING HATE… *H.A.T.E.* this fucking place! Were it not for the fact that I’m up North where I want to be, I’d head right back to the Shelter. — Oh… and I went to get a statement for my social security application, on-line. I don’t know WHAT fucking info they “can’t verify” but it looks like I’m going to have to call them tomorrow. Fucking retards. I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK! Oh well… I KNEW it wasn’t going to be easy… it never has been. – So now… just finishing my “beverage” and will shower and head for bed. – I hope Ms. Hallie settles tonight. Poor little thing.
Tue.4.Apr: 9.09 and so much fro getting up at 6.00 and getting the day rolling. Getting to sleep this morning was fitful at best. I was “lights out” by just past mi-night but was still uncomfortably awake into the hours of the morning. So? So. But the fire is in the stove, left-over from last night, and routine is done, including breakfast for Ms. Hallie. And it’s raining out there this morning, as predicted. So and so and so on… – Good morning heart-ache. – 19.37 Well… the qunt is back. I had to send a message to get a one-liner “be home at 655”. That was at about 18.40. I was JUST clearing all “evidence” of me being in the kitchen when it arrived. All “la-dee-da”, emptied the truck. I most certainly didn’t bother to help. So, I had a soda (having had the left-over rice with cheese for dinner) and “it” had left-over goulash and a beer. – Ah… but when it was noted that the “weeds” at the phone shed were cleared, I mentioned the “cultivator” and it was asked how much damage had been done. When I said it was rather a loss…
”Well, it probably shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”
As I replied:
“Like the little railings round the hollyhocks shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”
She’s been informed that I’ve put up with this bull-shit for almost 4 years. I do. You retards un-do and then whine. It’s done. Fuck it. “Fuck all y’all.” said I.
The fucking audacity!!! Fucking, ungrateful QUNT!
Meanwhile, I’m back in the little room. I was planning on a shower tonight but… NOPE. Fuck that too. – But I DID get just about ALL of the DA notes cleaned and merged today! CODING NEXT! YAY! – There’s a new ‘ring-tone” on the phone for morning wake-ups now too: Good morning heart-ache. Daily reminder… GET THE FUCK OUT! – Looks like it’s going to be an early night tonight. I’m in the little room more because of the fucking pounding up-stairs and the fact that I’m fucking sick of the shit-licking attitude of this fucking quntard where that’s concerned and the whining about not being helped. I haven’t asked how the trip went… and I don’t much fucking care to know. – Best to back off. I’m the “help” round the place… I’ve no business meddling in anything else. Actually, to-date, I’m not even the “help”… I’m here to be abused. Not any longer. I’m accustomed to being in a room, alone. Very well and fine then for that. Mayhaps I’ll set the kettle up and get my water in here again. – Oh well… she’s on her own now. Tough fucking shitskeroo.
Wed.5.Apr: 1.12 NO WONDER I’m awake! I thought I’d gone to bed at 20.00 but it was 19.00! Yes, I’d no sooner finished typing “shitskeroo” and decided that I was tired enough to “nap”. Well… I’m awake now, had coffee (in the loo), pee’d and had my “morning smoke” and am ready to take on another day (of working on the DA). it’s lovely out there. And odd, because this is the hour I’m usually at the point where I almost have to force myself to get to sleep. But here I am… before dawn. Shame, really, because Mme. will be here all day. Sad, more than shame. Well… let’s see how long I stay awake and how much of her bull-shit I can tolerate during the day. There’s always “nap time” to dodge her… I suppose. – 1.20 Oh wait! No… Today is “Staff Meeting” if I’m not mistaken. For some reason, my days are off. I thought yesterday was Monday! Ca se peut tu? So it’s not as dreary as I thought! HEY! Maybe I can get that shower in that I wanted. And wash the clothes that I’ve slept in over-night. OK then! Wednesday it is! – 25° on TUESDAY NEXT!? WTF? – 21.40 In bed at last again. Took a nap at 6.00 to 7.00 and then, Mme. left at about 11.00 and I took another hour nap from about 15-16.00. Shouldn’t have done that but… Spent most of the day working on the DA . There’s more work in these “Comments” than I’d expected, with the cleaning and coding. But it’s coming along and I’m noticing a lot of missing days and such. Chances are, some of it’s all over on other Journals. But for now, I just want to get the basic site up. Plan is to get the “clean” version on-line and then work from there. Why this is so important is anybody’s guess, but once done, there will be links back and forth, beginning to end. Then I’ll have to incorporate the prose blogs as well. It’ll never end… or… I will before it’s all done. At that point, I won’t care. As of right now, I’m still holding to the 17th. I’ve really had more than I care to deal with here… being nothing more than a dog-sitting house-cleaner. – Meanwhile… Mme. returned at about 17.00 with food-stuffs including yoghurt but no smokes. Oh well… Kailah came down and gave her money for rent and she gave me 60$. “Take it because there wont be any more coming this month.” said she. I’d like to get it into the banque! Looks like I’ll be walking to Bedford one of these days soon. I wonder if I still can. One way to find out. It’ll do me more good in a banque, I think. The conversion would put the account up over 200$. Of course, that does me no real good here. Still, it would be usable in the banque. I shall have to see. – So we had a burger for dinner and a beer. I did a bit more work on the DA and then watched O’Reilly. And now… the day is done and I want to be up by not later than 4.00! I WANT to get MY routine back! And this is a good time to do that. Better to get MY time in in the morning before all the shit commences. – Still, all said, the day went peacefully. Mme. wasn’t here for most of it and for the short while she was… I avoided any chat about anything that could or might “trigger”. As I say… I’ve had more than enough of this shit. – A quick run through the soc.med. and hope for sleep. – I NEED A SHOWER! But jammies are clean and tomorrow? LAUNDRY can be done again. How nice. – The alarm is set for 3.30 with “Good Morning Heartache” queued.
Thu.6.Apr: 5.54 The 4.30 alarm sounded and i dozed until 5.30 but… morning routine is done and it’s really quite “warm” out there this morning as the day-light impinges and infringes on the night. – I woke with a horrible head and neck stiffness, from a dream:
It was night. I was in a place that resembled the Shelter and had to leave in a rush. Escaping or needing to go some-where. I left with somebody. We were both in a rush to get out. Had to climb under an old chain-link fence of sorts to get to the main street, and in so-doing, my kippa fell off some-where. When I got to the main street, I was on Robinson Ave., by Sacred Heart church, the Sunoco station. There were many people out already, similar to the streets on NYC, pedestrians and automobile traffic. I was heading North, toward Broadway, trying to cover my head as I went. I realised that nobody there actually knew that I was supposed to be wearing the kippa and that by covering my head with my hand and arm, it made it more obvious that I wasn’t wearing the kippa. I dropped my arm, feeling “wrong” about not having my head covered, and moved along at almost a running pace. I don’t know where I was heading, but I just HAD to get to some-where, for some reason, North on Robinson Ave. in the dark. Just before getting to Broadway, I woke.
So I got up, turned the lap-top on, noted that it read 5.34 and as I sat up to go to the loo, the pain in my neck was horrific! I slept “wrong”, I suppose. But… the morning commences. Another day. Not quite as early as I’d’ve liked. But better than 9.00, to be sure. – I need to take a dump now. But… I suspect Mme. will be waking at some point soon. She said, yesterday, that she “volunteered” to go into work early. But no mention of how early. We shall see…. the week-end approaches. And I’ve much to accomplish on the DA this week-end. Hopefully, to complete both, the on-line and local. – 20.58 Wash is in the washer. I am out of the SHOWER. In my jammies and on the bed. TV off. House lights off. This day is winding very much down. How unusually “CIVIL”. – The solar lights have been taken down, in lieu of the comment “Shouldn’t have been there to begin with… or in the first place… or what-the-fuck-ever”. They’re charging and drying and will be disassembled and packed tomorrow or at some point before Sunday. I shall take them with me when I depart. No more “adding” or “decorating” or being “concerned”. Let this house too, go the way of the rest. – Mme. departed round about 11.30 or so. Shortly after, a phone message on the house phone. She needed the number for the septic cleaners. Seems Nr.172 has a blockage. They’re going to cost her a fortune. But… she won’t learn. Dense. Like this morning’s episode with more fucking idol-worshiping orders. Dense. I helped a touch. Only with the “technicals”. It took me from my DA pages. I’m on the verge of inserting my “Q-word” at this juncture. Selfish bit of shi….. etc. Oh well. – Hoovered today too, as the rumbling and banging up-stairs rolled along. The bag was full so I emptied it into a plastic bag for re-use (thus, the SHOWER!). It’s done anyway. – Had/have a bit of a “lump” on a broken lower left tooth that’s been under the gum for quite some time. More pulling. Thrice. It’s a bit better. I should keep up with it. – That “mole” on my chest has returned to dark brown again. I’m contemplating blood-root… order on-line. I don’t know. It’ really makes no difference. Nobody will see it and it’ll only be a couple of months more anyway. I should sincerely hope. – Other than that, pasta and lentils for dinner. Finished “her” ice cream. Will replace tomorrow. had a beer. Fuck it all anyway. It’s here. I deserve it. I can’t think of what she’ll do about poor Hallie when I’m gone (my that come soon). Poor little creature. Mme. feigns all sorts of “love” and “concern”… “have to keep the house for Hallie.” She’s utterly FULL of shit, that one. My heart breaks for the animals who are taken in and then ignored. Honestly, when Mme. is home, she pays Hallie almost NO attention and the little she does pay, one can hear the resentment in her tone. Even this morning… they were up and awake before I left the room… but she waited for ME to take Hallie out to pee… and then she waited for ME to give her breakfast, which I didn’t do because I thought she’d already done. It wasn’t until almost 9.00 when I heard “Do you want your breakfast?” REALLY! Insipid hypocrite. Anyway…. – And so, 21.09. The washer is going to rinse. I’ll hit a bit of soc.med. By 22.00 I want “LIGHTS OUT”! (Hopefully, there will be quiet conducive to a proper night’s rest all round. The twats have taken their dog out… so I hear.) Tomorrow? Fuck… that’s all I can say about that… All too simply… fuck.
*** IT’S THURSDAY, 31 AUGUST 2017, 16.26. I’m at the Haston Library, still in Franklin, in the midst of mayhem that has escalated to the point where I’ve had to file with the Human Rights Commission for harassment. I’ve been here from since about 13.30 to file the complaint and now, as it was in the Shelter Days, I’m spending time transcribing a hand-written Journal that I’d made because the lap-top got ruined when Mme. la Qunt had her cronies “André” and “Rick” come in to tear the hall-way up and replace walls and ceiling. The plaster dust, I suspect, got into the hard-drive and, well… I’ve been with-out computer ever since. Just par for the course of this curse. Honestly and with-out ANY doubt at all… coming to Vermont IS THE WORST thing I’ve EVER done in my ENTIRE life-time! But anyway… I’m going to try to transcribe the written journal with the time I have… because I NEED to get away from and wish I could STAY away from what has turned to be just another BITCH in this town. Thankfully, I can resort to….
***** SHELTER DAYS *****
Sunday 9 April 2017: 21.53 A new journal. Hand-made from the old lettre-head of Cecil’s. This after-noon, mostly to avoid thinking about the lap-top, I grabbed a small stack of sheets and with the Xacto, cut them down. Took a postal mailing box and glued it together. A “journal”. Another journal, hand-made, hand-written. Maybe I’ll take it to the library during the week to transcribe it to on0line. (TRULY back to the Shelter Days.) The very notion make me sick with anxieties. But, her it is and so be it. – I’m not being too particular bout penmanship with this one though. Just jotting notes and thoughts. It’s interesting, writing again, not being about to record thoughts almost at the same speed at which the come. But it’s better to have a journal than not. – I’m heart-sick thinking of all the work on the lap-top, stuck there, taken from me. MORE of me, my life, my existence… taken from me. Dennis, taken from me. Why can’t my breath, my heart-beat be taken from me instead? Just let be DARF! I can hand with Bern and Dewey, Ronnie and Dolphie and we can wait, together, for Dennis. I SO FUCKING HATE this world! – Well, the lap-top has failed to “refresh” 3 times today. I sent a “quote request” to somebody in Enosburgh to see “if” and how much it would cost to repair or simply remove my files. Also posted a query on fesses-book to see if anybody might know how to repair. Knowing fuxbook, I’m certainly not expecting any help. But better to try at least. Then I can say “fuck it”. – As for the day, I woke at about 7.30, fucked with the lap-top a bit, finally got the fucking Internet working again and checked my e-mail and posted to fuxbook. Lost a new page on the LN journal! JUST as I’d created it to have a page to post to instead of this new book, the fucking Internet dropped. The page and my notes disappeared! Fucking hateful of Life and this hole here! So, I got “busy” with the day… Pulled all of the wood left in the garage and stacked in in the kitchen. Next, got some scraps of wood from the porch, leveled the fucking armoire in the little room and put the fucking door back on it. It does make a nice difference in the space but the whole ordeal was a pain in the shitter and back. But, it’s DONE. (I told Mme. This evening. Of course, no gratitude. Matter of fact, no smokes either. Qunt.) Hoovered the little room and kitchen after. (Swept the garage too.) Next, took the hand-saw, took apart the “stakes” round the pine out front, the ones I’d installed for Mme. Poulet, and then trimmed off, neatly, the dead limbs. Stacked them on the pile out back. Neat. – Ran the Subaru as I worked. Noted the tyres need air. – came in, finished my ice cream and sat to watch TV until about 14.00 when Mme. Came waltzing in! I’d thought her “cabane a sucre” was at 14.00! Nope. She’d already been! Fine. First shit out of her face “We need to get the sand-bags out of the truck… tomorrow.” Well, mostly to avoid her, I went and got them. 4 bags, 60lbs each. Then shovelled the pile of snow by the Subaru so it’ll melt faster. Forecast tomorrow: 21° an rain. (It was rather warm and clear today.) – By 17.00 she had a bowl of tapioca. I had a tea. I told her about the lap0-top. She mentioned buying a new one (along with mentioning her 2000 tax payment due on the 15th Fuckdat.) We watched a bit of TV. – At about 19.00 I had 2 rolls, butter and molasses. Just because I’d taken a naproxyn for my back. – Day done. – 22.45 I’m tired! And fucking fed-up. Tomorrow, if I’m still hated, is another day. I can “hide” at the library I think. Will check… on the iPod.
LIBRARY:
Mon: 10-14
Tue: 14-19
Wed: 0—
Thu: 9-18
Fri: 14-18
Sat: 9-13
Monday 10 April: 7.17 Up. Routine. And I ask, as always “WHY?” I feel “useless”. The day feels “useless”. – Tired enough to go right back to sleep. I could. It wouldn’t make any difference. – It’s almost lovely out-side. Clear sky. Nice breeze. Thermo on the porch reading 50F. Already. – Now, I’ll think it’s well-intended but, just got asked about the lap-top. “It’s dead.” I said. “Can you do anything about it?” I told her about the quote I asked for in the wk-end. “Have you heard anything?” It’ just past 7.00. WHAT? It’s to be expected. They don’t think before speaking… ever at all. Oh well. It’s to be expected. – I’d pack the lap-top up, I still have the box. Not sure why I don’t. But. – Anyway, the library is open today. I can “escape” at some point. – And there was some mention of her needing to go into Swanton later. Don’t know why. Don’t care at all. But something about “repairing her other lap-top and all her other expenses. I’ve not even acknowledged the mentions of getting a new lap-top. But somebody has her convinced that Walmart sells them for 100-200$. Honestly. People who’ve no idea what they blither should either STFU of be silenced. – 7.41 and the rumble-thumping up-stairs joins the droning of the dryer and ticking of the tumbling wash. Another day in Shit-hole commences. SHOOT ME NOW! – 10.53 RE-sorted the hard and house-wares box and the car tote. C’est le fun. Did get to check Twtr this morning, on the iPod. Either I have to re-learn of they’ve changed the formatting. I can’t seem to reply or re-tweet as easily as before. It’s still rather depressing, on the iPod, as I sit on the bed, as in the Shelter. – Mme. Is showering. MD appt. in Swanton. – Library open until 14.00. I’ll try to get a computer there for a little while. Tomorrow, 14-19.00. Rough morn in store tomorrow but I can be out of here in the even. Ad… MORE shit: “Hours Away”… a-fucking-gain. The lap-top isn’t the only thing “looping”. FUCK ME! – 22.21 SHOWERED and in bed. The day is DONE! And passed in total non-conflict. That’s primarily because during the morning I paid little attention to most of what was going on, and busied myself in the room. I got to the tool bo and general hard and house-wares, sorting tools for the toold box and the rest to the hard-house-wares box that had been packed. Very nice now. The toolbox closes again. Next was the car tote, looking to see if I’ve any more blue paint. There a terrible rust spot on the passenger door that needs some Bondo or something to patch before painting. I don’t know hoe I’ll do that but it must be done soon. Tape won’t help. But tonight and tomorrow call for rain so I won’t be able to get to it. Oh well. – Jacquie had an MD appt. in Swanton so I had the afternoon to myself so I didn’t have to go to the library. Quite the relief for me on that aspect. How-ever she discovered that the basement was COVERED in well over a foot of WATER! The sump dies. Very impressive, to say the least. Clear water, wall-to-wall. Well, she rang McCuin (of course) before she left. And me? I went out in the 25° heat to shovel the mounds of snow in the front and to trim the mud on the front walk and side walk. Why? Because I didn’t have the lap-top, and because it got me out of the house, because it needed to be done AND because I’m using this place as my “CV” to get the fuck OUT and AWAY from here. If prospectives come by, it MUST look well-maintained! And for THAT reason, it WILL! So, as I’m working, she steps out to say “You didn’t want to come to Swanton, did you?” I was EXPECTED to stay for when McCuin got here! Fine. I didn’t want to go anyway. I don’t want to go ANYWHERE IN THIS STATE! It only reminds me of where I am and it sickens me. So… At about 13.30, with Ms. Hallie in the truck, off they went. And I worked on the walks. Not as easy as I’d expected, esp. in the heat. – As I worked, a few “locals” HAD to comment that the snow should be left. It’ll melt. Typical “Vermonters”: don’t work, just sit and wait. Fucktards. BUT… some guy drove by in a pickup and called “Looks real good, brother!” Touching. Kim Maynard stopped as she walked by, long enough to compliment the work! (Yeah… UN-doing your husband’s damage with his plow… moron. An old guy who’s just come to the Carriage House (from Richford!) stopped to chat. It’s a comfort to me to talk with folks from Richford. He had lovely things to say about the town and people. – Well, by about 15.00 I was done. I put the gutter dirt on the back drive and at about 16.00 Mrs. Madame returned. It was shortly after I’d checked e-mail and soc.med. – WELL! On fuxbook, Jayson T(oyooka) had re-posted my plea for computer help and a friend of his posted suggestions. All need the ability to actually get the damned thing running. But how sweet and kind of BOTH of them! THE ONLY TWO! Proving again how selfish shits are on there, over-all. Oh well. – AND A VOICE MESSAGE FROM DENNIS THIS MORNING! I’ll try calling him on Thurs. Hopefully it’ll work. – So this evening, dinner was sirloin that Ms. Mme. Discovered in the freezer from some while ago, with sweet potato and mushrooms. Tasty and filling. Then to TV. – McCuin, by the way, came and replaced the sump. I didn’t bother him. I continued my own work. – The front porch got swept as well. – Mmr. Brought 2 packs of smokes. Shocker! – I’ve turned the Subaru round to let more sun and air at the rust spot. (Nice yellow “inspection” sticker on the window.) – And now, at 23.08, the fucking “Refresh” is running AGAIN on the lap-top. I’m quite tired. Took a naproxyn a little while ago (before the shower) for my back.Might go for one last smoke in the WARM night. – Tomorrow the library is open 14-19.00. maybe I’ll get some time in there, esp. if it rains. – DENNIS? Sleep well my sweet Prince. Still in Love with you.
Tue.11.Apr: 8.12 Morning routine. Mme. at table surrounde4d by paper. And rain. So? No yard-work. No car work. Generally fucked. Nothing new. I don’t know why I slept so late. Even more. I don’t know why I woke this morning. No mercy in Life. Well, what to do with another day? Had a brief but typical “one-way chat with Mme. on the matter of “Repetition Compulsion:. She opens the “talk” and then ignores. – The phone just rang. Not yet 8.30. Oh well, at least she picked-up on 1st ring. None of my business. Perhaps her “Andrew”. Yesterday she was shining about him having come round to drop the 100’s of seed packettes and then not returning. He was expected to “clean out the green house” the week-end past. Never showed. Inside, I laugh. He’s clueless. I believe that he thinks the garden will be a “joint effort”. Alas, he too shall learn, as time passes and he’s out there alone. And too, as toys, dog-shit and the likes are left about. Or, as another “dim VTer” he’ll roll along with what comes. OR, none o f that will happen and he’ll get all sorts of help and support… from the other “Dim Vermonters”… those who hate and resent me… the “Flatlander”. – Ah well, another day commences: I’m SICK of and SICK because of being here. “Annoyed”.
LIFE IS MERELY AS WE PERCEIVE IT.
TODAY IS WHAT-EVER I WANT IT TO BE.
I truly must learn to keep these Truths in mind, and let the bull-shit, like the rain, roll off my back, and away.
THERE ARE THE “SHELTER DAYS”.
again: Close yourself off from it. As those before, these days too, shall pass. – Time to “fill the day”. Library opens at 14.00. There will be and escape (to the library … again … as before … again.) – 23.46 I CAN’T GO MUCH FARTHER ANYMORE!!! I JUST CAN’T! I CAN’T! I CAN’T! I CAN’T! – The day was going along perfectly fine. I even got most of the front yard raked this morning! leaves gone on most of it. Trimmed the pine neatly. Even the low limbs on the maples. Trimmed the rose bush at the corner of the porch and a bit of the ones along the drive. I seriously doubt anybody is “happy” about it but it looks quite neat. – At about 15.00 I went to the library, got on the computer and composed and sent a scathing complaint about the Easter decorations that Rachel put on the front door of the opst office. (Maybe I’ll get a copy to keep here, in this journal.) It went to USPS, the ACLU, Anti-Defamation, CAX and PTZ. Checked my e-mails and fuxbook and chatted with Kathleen. left at approx. 15.30. Well, it’s been 2 years since Shedrick fucked me out of a job. Now let’s see. I made reference to her. Hopefully I’ve got those e-mails from her and Portland in case I need them. – Came back to the house for a truly wonderful dinner: chicken breast, potato (bakes), asparagus and a beer. Jacquie and I had ice cream “with O’Reilly”. – Must have been 21.30o or so when, for NO reason, a leg cramp! Right leg, as usual. But this one was HORRIFIC! My moaning woke Jacquie, I was literally crying from the pain… SHE LAUGHED! And my diatribe ROLLED! On the selfishness of them all, the “shouldn’t have been there in the first place”, knowing I’m not really “welcome” here any longer, a mere “dog-sitter”… it ALL rolled. The “truth” is now out… completely. Eventually I diffused and by bed-time had her at ease. But my insides are in ruins. No doubts at all… find a way, soon, quickly. BDM! I’m finished! Fine. tie to just GO! I CANNOT BE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER. I’M BEING GNAWED, FROM MY INSIDES, TO DEATH! The lap-top is gone. I’ll NEVER see Dennis again. I don’t want time to out-live everybody and be alone. But seriously and honestly… I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS!
Wed.12.Apr: 9.09 Slept until only moments ago! Didn’t want to wake but… Rained last night. Grey this morning.
DREAM: I’d taken 20$ from some rent money of Jaquie’s. Don’t know why I’d taken it but I put the rest of the rent, rolled, in some papers and put it on a desk, under and with a bunch of other papers, to appear as if it had all been misplaced. For all of the dream, I was worried sick about replacing it, since I had no way to do so. I was residing in some sort of rooming house. Dennis was supposed to come visit. My room was small, very dark. I needed to clean it. Went to find better clothes to wear. the dresser was a book case and instead of drawers, full-length card-board letter-trays with sleeves. Covered in old dust. Filthy! There was an old man looking for somebody to clean an old reception hall because the guy who was supposed to do the work didn’t show or quit. Somebody told him (the old guy) that he should hire me but he wouldn’t. I woke, anxious and depressed.
It’s another day. Fuck me. Just let me die and have done with all of this. Help me find the way to the mountains and out and away! – Morning “routine” save BM is complete. checked forecast: clearing later. Diversionary yard-work to be done. – The shit is still up at the P.O. and no replies from my e-mail of yesterday. (I checked on the phone. At least THAT’S still working… for now.) Time will tell, and be, to say the least, “interesting”. I don’t give a shit. I’ve learnt to be a “local”… Fuck you… it’s all about me now. Annoyed? No prob. Support my way OUT! – 22.03 Day’s done! Spent, passed finishing the raking of the front yard, raking 75 per-cent of the South yard and trimming the brick walk for the Twats. The frass from that is on the front yard, probably to die like the rest of what-ever “lawn” might have ever been there. Next will be the 25 per-cent of the South lawn and the back, closest to the house. The lilies? ONLY if I MUST (in order to dodge bull-shit int he house). – OH JUNE! NO MATTER WHAT! – The “decorations” at the P.O. are removed “Expected” response from USPS on the matter. I replied, maintaining a scathing and highly offended tone. If ADL or ACLU follow-up, I’ll go the length (until June). I’ve no regrets and no fears. I’ve little time and need no “friends”. – Nice salmon and fettuccine Alfredo dinner. Dumplings in Maple for dessert. – Mme. to work tomorrow. her Andrew coming Saturday to “clean up” the green house. It’s finally sunken in: I’m not gardening any more. – Now to figure how to fix the Subaru to get me the fuck back to NY. – Oh… no further word from Champlain. Re-post on the week-end. being closer to the mountains will be nicer… in June. – I’m SO DONE with this bull-shit. – Tomorrow I hope to talk with Dennis. (But I expect him to be taken away… again.)
Thu.13.Apr: 8..50 Woke at 8.40. Morn. routine. Grey day. Cool. Not cold but cool. Tired. Worn. And heavy with depression. So much work on the lap-top… gone. I put it in the box to get it out of sight to not remind. But the thought is in my head. And Dennis. I’ve no doubt he’ll be taken from me again. – June. Warm weather. I need to stop this.. Should have done so long ago… BEFORE re-connecting with anybody. What a fuck-up I am! – Thought though: I can decrease the shit in the car by leaving most up-stairs in the barn. Very nice. out of the way. Nobody goes up there. – Today’s diversion: finish raking, get the gutter gravel to the drive. The rest of the wk-end? It, time, will provide something. – Woke from a DREAM:
I looked in a mirror to see “mushroom-like” growths on my neck. Went to Jacquie, annoyed. “Why didn’t you say something about this? You’ve been looking at it. It didn’t just happen.” I got a blank stare, no comment. I thought: “Right side too. The side I sleep on. Fungus on the pillow!” And that’s what woke me. Delightful. And now I wonder: Premonitory? Cancer? Or what I’ll become, in June? I truly don’t give a shit. Just be dead, gone, away from all of this. Enough is enough. This certainly is “too much.”
Oh there was another DREAM:
I went back to the Shelter. Intake case worker was some gal I knew from something/some-where else, previously, in better times, but we’d had a fight or argument. When I got to her desk, she recognised and remembered me. Knowing that she could make Hell for me, I feigned all sorts of “regret” over our fight. I talked of happier moments and the likes and got my-self crying… to appear regretful. She bought into it and was kind, telling me not to worry, that she’d take good care of me. Assigned me a “good room”. I was humble and grateful but as I left her I knew that I shouldn’t trust her. – Now, I’ll bet THIS is premonitory… blatantly.
Time for “a.m.BM”. Mme. in the loo. I have to “move” before putting on my sneakers and shopping bags and getting to the yard-work. Oh well. Another day. Another fucking day. – 23.22 In bed! Though not showered. Too tired. – Got the lawn done, the visible lawn. Looks quite nice, I must say. – Jacquie left about 14.00 as I was finishing. By 15.00 I was done, went to the store for ice cream and franks for Hallie (saving money that Jacquie would spend on snacks). – Came back to have 2 rolls with cheese and… THE TOOTH, UPPER LEFT, BROKE! LARGE PIECE, LEAVING ANOTHER ROOT IN. NO PAIN (YET) BUT ANOTHER TOOTH GONE. – Was depressed most of the day. And then, at about 19.00 tried ringing Dennis. IT DIDN’T GO THROUGH! I heard him pfutz with his phone but no voice! Google Voice is fucked! Good-bye to “Grand Central”. The bigger “Google” fucks, as one should expect. AND the internal speaker on Jacquie’s lap-top fucked too. WOW! I was destroyed! – Hours later, after trying to get Google Voice to work on my old mobile, and failing because nothing seems to work on it because it’s too old, I got the notion to try Skype. A bit of searching on-line and no option but a monthly fee. I’ve had the “app” on the phone for forever and now…
13 APRIL, 2017, FOR 6,99US/MO. (10CAD) I CAN CALL DENNIS… ON MY MOBILE… AS LONG AS I HAVE WI-FI! Now I need to get to CIBC, put my 60US into the account and I can either do the monthly OR MAYBE get a Skype number! (If so, I’m going for a 518!) If I knew I could manage, I’d walk up tomorrow but I doubt I’d make in on my legs. Not even on a bike. But for now, I CAN PHONE DENNIS! AND EVEN FROM THE ROOM! IF THE CONNECTION IS GOOD (will try in the morning). I’LL GO FOR A SKUPE NUMBER… MAYBE TODAY!
***** SKYPE IT IS! *****
Fri.14.Apr: 0.04 as I finished yesterday’s entry, I heard music! Thought it was out-side. It was the little clock radio in the white room. It’s been playing every night this week. I wonder if Jacquie’s even heard it. – Well… nap time. DENNIS in a few hours. I want to be “awake”! – 23.56 DAY IS DONE! Showered. Clean jammies. Waiting for the wash cycle to finish. Then clothes in the dryer and me into BED! – Even my finger and toe nails are done! (No shave though. Oh well. Don’t give a fuck, nor a shit.) – Was up for 2nd smoke at the 8.00 church bell this chilly, clear morning. Then out by about 11.00 to hit the back yard where the snow was mounded. A lot of work there with the grass “sod” clumps, drive gravel and potash. A LOT of work. But it looks like “lawn” now. Wont be appreciated by others. But… fuck’em. – 16.00 was dinner after a quick trip to the store. 3 “teas” (2 of which are consumed). – Tried to get Dennis a few ties during the day. Mobile and land-line. Left messages. I hope he’s just busy and nothing is wrong. – THANK YOU SKYPE! – Oh, mounted the WiFi router to the wall to get it off the floor (and perhaps better signal?). No doubt there’ll be “feed-back”. Fuck off. – Rather cold encounter with Jada at the store. As I’ve said to Jacquie, I’m probably Nr.1 on the “Shit Parade”. Fuck them too. – Printed photo of Dennis. One to have about. 2 with a little note: I’ll meet him by the juke-box at G’s… with Bern. “Please call” him and his phone numbers. He truly is “ALL” I have left in this world. – A couple messages from Mme. Seems the Mme. Congo bitch asked to use the truck to get to her other job. I gave my oponion: NO! and advice “how to say no”. My advice is ignored, of course. – Monday we’re to go to Bedford. I’ll put my cash in the banque and perhaps get a SKYPE phone number? 518 are if possible. Step 1 to NY. – Wash on spin at last. – Pain in left side of neck is getting worse. Clogged artery? Or tumour? What or which ever. Just take me out… Quickly.
Sat.15.Apr: (at 11.40 on Sunday) A slow day. No desire to actually “do” anything at all. Just so fed-up with doing anything that’s either no noticed or is un-appreciated. But round about 13.00 or so, cleaned the little “garden round Ms. Mary” in the front, then wound the rose bush and the planters. Just to get out of the house and dodge the daily depression… as usual. – DID re-post “Grounds-Keeper” on Craigslist. One reply from Altona. Too far West. – Tried several time to ring Dennis. No answer. I wonder if he’s “single” these days. Non-the-less, I try to keep in touch. Maybe I’m being a pain or maybe I have to prove I want to keep in touch. What-ever. – Tonight, shower and re-wash clothes at 23.00. And day was done. – Hallie seems to be “down” this week-end. Poor sweet-heart.
Sun.16.Apr: 11.53 Late beginning today. Up at 9.00. Tough shit. No “need” to even be breathing. But printed my PW List! can access shit again AND DID for CIBC. As I figured, Skype at 6,99US was almost 10 from my account. But if I put the 80US in and spend 60US for a phone number for a year (why bother for that long?) I’d still have about 97CAD. I’ll ponder –
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AT 13.46 the first RE-CONNECTION WITH NEW YORK: 4.05.17! PHONE. PLATTSBURGH! SKYPE! AND I GAVE THE NUMBER TO DENNIS! IT’S PAID FOR A YEAR! RE-CONNECT COMMECES! NEW YORK! *** 5185640517 NY – ADK
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And adding here on Monday night at 23.07, Jacquie got in about 17.00. There was the usual flurry of all sorts of activities, bring her clothes and such in from the truck. She’d eaten so we didn’t have dinner but I wasn’t hungry since I’d finished 2 rolls, butter and molasses shortly before her arrival. So we sat to watch some TV. Oddly enough, we were up until almost 23.00. – Oh! but she’d bought new phones, so she could have one in the living-room (by her recliner which, of course, SO reminds me of Margot, but that’s not really fair because, most of all, the weight isn’t even remotely comparable). I’d said to get the phone, a 25ft extension and a splitter plug to install the phone the jack in the living-room. Well, there’s a jack in the kitchen so I installed the base there, mounted on the wall, put the extension in the living-room by the recliner and it works! Except that the old answering system doesn’t recognise when the new phone is picked-up. She’s not happy that the old “Cecil” message has to be turned off. Oh well. let’s not be happy that you didn’t need the extension wire (9$ and only 15ft) or the plug AND that it got installed, up and running right away. Oh… well. But I’m getting good: I did what I could, it works, I don’t give a fuck. It’s done. – So too… today.
Mon.17.Apr: 23.14 CABANE A SUCRE, HILLTOP, DUNHAM, QUEBEC.
Rather quiet day, once it got rolling. I didn’t get out of bed until almost 8.30 and didn’t want to bother even then. This fatigue is murderous! But I went to the kitchen where Jacquie was already into papers. She was writing a note to me at the moment and when I came in from my smoke she insisted I take it immediately (the note). When I got back to the room and opened it… 100$ Well! When, at 13.00 we headed up to Bedford I got to put my 180 into the banque (and changed the phone number on the acct. to the NY number!)! As the past 4 days turn out, the 6,99 for US calls cost me 9,55, the new number at 39,00 cost me 53,32, the 180 in gave me 231,98 (pay0out rate of 1,33, but deposit rate of only 1,28 but better, I’m sure than If I’d’ve gone all “Currency Exchange”), leaving me with 247,41 account or 186US. Not bad. Not GREAT. Wont cure much of much but not bad at all, considering my “lot in life”. (17 June still looking most promising anyway). So, 62,87 put me back on a phone that I get and make calls on for 9,55/month. No complaints. If I could actually think in “long terms” it would be impressive… I suppose. – ANYWAY, after the banque the mandatory stop at Metro where Jaquie offered to get 2 packs of smokes which, of course, they didn’t have, and I’m thankful because her banque card didn’t work and she had to pay the 21$ in US cash but was relived when the gal took her 20, rang it and gave her 3$ change. I find it a bit interesting to see how truly little that most folks don’t understand about “foreign exchanges” but, if it isn’t their life they don’t need to. Oh well. No matter. At least she gained on it. (I mean, I did too… today. She keeps her gain. I don’t. But that’s me… my fucking existence. Move along… Shut the fuck up.) – Off we went… to Dunham! To a Cabane A Sucre! – It was delightful! Even in spite of all the pork! AND I’ve broken ANOTHER TOOTH! BOTTOM LEFT. Two, in less than a week. Oh well. More reason to “check out” sooner. But it truly was wonderful. Eggs, potatoes, bacon, ham, pickles, cole slaw, tarte au cucre, pudding chomeur, gran’pere, coffee. Not cheap though: 66CAD (probably 51,56 – 52US or 25-26 ea.) But we both left quite stuffed. (I’m still waiting, at 24.13, for the pork to kick me.) The place was new, so comfy and not packed. It was a wonder. And the view was breath-taking! – The ride back was astonishing, remarkable and annoying and heart-breaking. We drove into Freiligsburgh and over ch.de. St. Armand, turned onto ch.des Earbles which, at the end USED TO CONNECT with Franklin’s Pidgeon Hill. Today, the old gate at “the border” is in an open field, lawn on the VT side and corn field on the QC side. Easy enough to walk but not to drive. And Jacquie’s child-hood farm is just there. She hadn’t been there, on that road, in many years. And to think how she used to simply walk back and forth. Today? Try, get caught, horror! Not to mention, no need to go all the way to “the border crossing” and in 5 minutes, there you are in Québec. Oh… time… and a totally fucked world. And here I am, SO close to where I’d dreamt of being… and it’s turned into Hell. Yep. My “existence” – So we came back (with 3 pussy willow branches that I’d jumped out of the truck on the ch. Symington – a dirt road – in Dunham) to snap off for Jacquie) that I’ll hope take root for her, and back to the house by about 17.00 – We settle to watch TV. Jacquie fell asleep and at 19.00 I came to bed and was OUT until about 22.30. (It’s now 24.39!) – Of note… A DREAM:
An abandoned ware-house (or T9). Two young boys were going to explore it and I advised them to be very cautious because it was extremely large and dark. In the event they met somebody in there I suggested they yell and cream and run very fast. Me? I knew the place all too well. As it was, I was staying with Jacquie who lived not far away, but tonight , because of some argument or something I was going to spend the night in this place. The boys went in and I too. They stayed in the large area just inside. I went in and to the right into other areas and rooms and spaces. It became night. I went to a far space, climbed up on an old desk, got bundled in some blankets. It was dark, except for some light coming in through a broken window set high on the wall. I was just dozing off to sleep when I heard a toilet flush on the opposite side of the wall across the room. (I wonder if it wasn’t actually Jacquie going to bed.) I became very nervous, having thought I’d be alone, so far from the main entrance and it being so late at night. Then, realising there was no immediate escape from the room I was in, I became frightened, knew I’d have to make a quick but silent RUN through dark halls and other rooms and I HAD to get out right away! I got up, off the desk
and as my feet touched the floor… I woke. – Well, that that. I’ve had 2 cigarettes. 2 left in the pack. I’ve a package of rolling papers and quite a lot of tobacco from 2 jars of butts. I can smoke rollies for a while. And now it’s…
Tue.18.Apr: at 1.00. I miss having the lap-top. By now the Dead Artist blog/journal would have been done and all would have been linked and in order. BUT here I am, 10 pages into writing and nothing transcribed. And days missing now for LoupNordique on-line, TRAPPED in the lap-top… with SO MUCH MORE! Well, someday… maybe… but I doubt it. SHIT! The Dell died and I was left. What the fuck? My ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS GONE! I’M JUST TOO FUCKING BLOODY STUPID TO STOP IT ALL! BUT, COME MORE COMFORTABLE WEATHER… I DO NOT DESERVE TO SUFFER WHEN I LEAVE AND I DO NOT WANT ANYBODY AROUND WHEN I GO. I CAME INTO THIS SHIT ALONE, I’LL SEE MYSELF TO THE DOOR. – Time for a rollie and to finish my nap. – PS: the fucking porch door squeaks and creaks again! I have to fix that shit! (She paid 2k for the hall and for Rick to fix that door. And Me? Oh well.) – 14.30 By about 1.00 I was back to sleep. By 8.20 I was awake but still SO tired, but got up, dressed and to the day. – Jaquie left at about 9.00 to attend a funeral in BTV. I headed out the door into the chilly morning. Found a plastic bucket in the green-house, cleaned it out and up, filled it with dirt and cmopost, added water, trimmed the pussy willow and they’re in, hopefully to root. Took the recycling out and set-up a cinder-block and some shovel handles from the barn to hold the porch door open. The door screws got tightened, the hinges got a good dousing with WD40 and the door is silent again. By 11.00 I was EXHAUSTED AGAIN! I checked e-mails and social media and looked-up NARCOLEPSY… The symptoms are quite the match. – Jacquie’s back. 14.40 – 21.04 Back to bed. A day of re-smoked rollies Ms. Mary, the statue from the front yard, got hauled (carried) to the back and washed. The porch got swept and cleaned… again. Ms. Mary needs painting and the porch will look like shit again in no time at all. – Dinner was good. Pepper steak from Metro, mushrooms, baked potato and carrots. Healthy. Not well-chewed. I haven’t the teeth. But I ate. – Odd, but at 19.00 I was doing. Now, I pray for sleep. – Just in from taking Hallie out. The terror of being here for even another month clenches round my chest. Hate. I truly HATE this place. MUST GET OUT… SOON! MUST! – Other-wise, tomorrow Mme. Goes to staff meeting. She asked if I need anything at Hannaford’s, do I have money on my FS card. Would I like to go with her tomorrow? She wants to go to Costco. I said “no, I just don’t look forward to sitting in the truck for 3 hours.” She said we can go Monday or Tuesday next week. Fine. – I really could use a shower. Don’t’ want to bother. Feet are sweaty from wearing plastic bags under the sneakers. It doesn’t matter. – Well, I’ve washed the dinner dishes, tidied the kitchen. Ice cream would be nice. Too much bother. – No call from Dennis. Not that I’d expect any. – I miss the lap-top. I’m so fucked.
Wed.19.Apr: 8.55 Another morning with NO idea why I’m awake… again. And after some 10 hours of sleep, still so damned exhausted my head and stomach are “off”. Although, last night, the Twats had at it, right over Jacquie’s head. I heard it and was grateful. This morning I asked her how well she slept. Had I not mentioned the “parade” she wouldn’t have said anything. But she “corrected” my terminology to “fight”… and then went on to making excuses. Alas. And so, as I tend to say: Sometimes in life, you get what you deserve. (I’ll be that place up-stairs is a mess. 3 trash families in the red house. That trash up-stairs. And never learning. None of my concern, really. But I’d be willing to bet Cecil… well no. He was around for the trash in the red house. I’d suppose he’d put up with them up-stairs too. It’s just the way it is.) – OK. .Time to figure what to do with the few hours remaining until Jacquie heads out for BTV. After that? Well, it’s another grey day. Maybe a nap? Sleep; the only alternative… the only solution. .And 200 pages on a lap-top that I can’t get to. Potential income in site-building, DENIED! I need to figure how to get beyond this, no matter how, and as the world fucks me, to fuck it… MY WAY! (I NEED to stop being Defeatist!) – 21.41 Showered and in bed. Mme. (who wanted me to go to BTV today) sent a message round about 16.00: “Staying until 10”… 22.00! Nice shit, that there. Yeah, she needs the money but how lovely to have such freedom. But it’s like it’s always been here in shit-hole: Never mind anybody else, the World is “ME”! I’m learning. I’m paying attention. – Meanwhile, I cleaned the porch of the scrap wood, took out ALL nails, sawed it down to “stove-size” and have burned almost all it already. (No doubt she’ll come in at about 23.30, stomp about, bang, slam and clang the wood-stove. BUT… if she didn’t this wouldn’t be shit-hole.) – I napped for 30 minutes today at about 15.00. It does make quite the difference in the day. – Smoking RSR (Re-Smoked Rollies) all day. I’ve no doubt the 100 will cancel smokes. But let’s not be ungrateful. Shall we? – I’m just in a sour mood. – Oh yeah. Front passenger tyre gone flat on Subaru too. Yep. Sour mood. – And rain through the week-end. The “charming” just never ends. – I’ve died… gone to Hell.
Thu.20.Apr: 23.09 Showered. In bed. – Note: There is a dome of ugly, a dome of evil over tis town, this state. It was and is said that Newburgh’s “birth” pre-destined it to misery. All of the brilliant minds of Vermont left the state over the course of its history. Most likely because they couldn’t tolerate the vastness of general stupidity that surrounded them. – Reluctantly, I got out of bed at about 8.20 this morning. Had my coffee and there, on the kitchen table, 2 packs of smokes! Smoking the Re-smokes paid off. (With the money saved, I ordered 4 new leads for the TENS. Hopefully they’ll “improve” things, now that I have no computer.) – Cleaned the wood-stove whilst Jacquie was here so she could SEE the work that goes into it. Worthless as that is. The morning rolled along and she left for work at about 14.00. Rainy day, I had nothing pressing, watched a “Nature” programme and napped for about an hour. – Went to the store for franks for Hallie and such. Bill commented on how obvious it is that I’m not at 5225. The front is a mess. The plants and fencing are removed. A pile of leaves at the South end of what used to be the flower-bed. The vinca is taking but I’ll bet it’ll be removed. I don’t care. The town sees MY WORK. Fukkem all. – Pizza for lunch with Jacquie and for dinner. TV the rest of the evening. – Hallie hasn’t pee’ed though. Hopefully tomorrow… early. – Literal stomping up-stairs from 19-21.30. Tomorrow a re-post of “Grounds-Keeper” and a “modification” post. Double-up the posts. “Shelter Time”. Close your eyes and face-fall into the very next opportunity. No matter what it is, so long as it’s NY. – MUST repair the flat this week-end! MUST be ready to GO! (No word from Champlain.) – Well, another “clean me” night and a “light” week-end ahead. – No word from Dennis. Makes me wonder. Am I just being a pain? Has “sister” poisoned him? I’ll ring tomorrow.
Fri.21.Apr: 23.10 Showered. Hair cut. Beard trimmed. Neck “cleaned”. Floors Hoovered. Dishes done. And a useless day finished, ending with a feeble attempt at insulting me via “text message” from the Madame of the estate because I told her of the rumblings up-stairs again and that I expect it’s good that she’s accustomed to having her property abused, considering she’s allowed it thrice already. “If you lived in other states it would be worse.” FUCK YOU QUNT! So she got a curt reply reminding her of the fact that I’ve been here long enough to know that nobody takes personal responsibility. They ALL hate ambition, wallow in unjustifiable self-pit and they’re malignancies. That my parents weren’t siblings and I’m not the product of inter-species intecourse. I’m not of Vermont and I’m not a Vermonter. Nice fucking way to close another fucking day in this fucking shit-hole. I SO FUCKING HATE THIS FUCKING PLAE AND ITS FUCKING INTER-SPECIES IN-BREEDS! AND TIRED OF THE “my life is so hard” bull-shit. – Almost mid-night. I was ready to try for sleep. Now? FUCKING PISSED! I can’t let this shit get to me. Need to rest, be strong. GET THE FUCK OUT, AWAY!
23.25 I have been here for almost 6 years now. In that time I’ve come to see this as living in a Stephen King-Clive Barker novel. A population of cannibals and leeches.- New Yorkers, when confronted and attacked will, if they see it worth the while, will confront and/or address the matter, either in fair battle or in an attempt to rectify. If that’s impossible, we simply walk away to go on with our lives. Matter dismissed. Here, “people” will cower, hid off in some darkness, plotting, planning, scheming and conniving against a perceived enemy, investing their energies that could and would better serve invested in education, enlightenment and labour to make their self-imposed miseries better. – New Yorkers strive toward improving themselves, aware that we are each, an element of a larger body, a larger population, and that by contributing our own effort toward others, we improve self and our surroundings, our environment. Here, ambition is resented, rejected, despised, seen as competition and an attempt at “making them look bad”! However, there’s no trouble sitting back, basking in the goodness of the results of the toils of those they vehemently abhor and delight in destroying. Truly, clinically, they are the cancer cells of the “body-human”. Cancers grow off the nourishment of their host, tapping into the very blood-lines of a thriving organism, leeching nourishment as the host strives toward Life. Ultimately, the cancer depletes all vital functions of its host and the host dies. With it, the cancer too, dies. But the cancer isn’t concerned. It managed to grow, exist for its duration, metastasizing through-out, growing stronger… at the expense of an ambitious, working host. Vermonters are no different from malignancies. There’s no “appreciation” of or for the efforts of others. Labour and “fresh blood” are expected, their “entitlement”. But, just as a cancer ultimately kills the very host that supports it, Vermonters strive to destroy those who toil, providing, or trying to provide them with some comfort, some sustenance of body, mind or spirit. There’s no concern for or consideration of the “host”. Only that they, the cancers, are provided for… constantly. Like insatiable vampires, they leech the Life-essence out of their prey and then retreat into their self-imposed, self-created, self-inflicted darkness of pathetic self-absorption and self-pity, blaming the rest of Creation for their delusional sufferings. And it’s not only the “outsider” that they “feast” on… They ravish their own, one-another, as well. Cannibalistic hatred for even their own, those mutations who inexplicably have the desire to improve their own lot, or that of others. Here too, they bare sharp teeth and claws, latch tightly to the very blood-line and ravenously suck eery breathing, living trace of energy until, at last, as a victim of incurable cancer, another viable being perishes. – It, the place and it’s inhabitants are characters the like of which could be imagine only the darkest recesses of a combined mind the like of Stephen King and Clive Barker. The most horrific fact is that these aren’t imagined characters… they actually exist. – ISIS stones its enemies boldly, out-right. They cut throats and decapitate. Vermonters kill slowly, over time, smiling and pretending to be “kind country folk of lore and legend”, all the while gnawing at flesh and soul, claws ripping wounds open wider so that they might shove their heads in closer, thrust greedy tongues in deeper to suck harder and more completely the Life-blood and Life-energy of their soon-depleted and dead victim and host. – THIS is Vermont. THIS is Vermonters… whether born or adapted.
Sat. 22 Apr: 8.19 Goodmorning heart-ache, here we go again. Slept through the 7 and 8.00 alarms but, up, coffe, smoke, Hallie brakfast and my “text message” reply of last night didn’t go through to Jacquie and I’m not at all complainig. it was tough. I was, as ’tis said, “On a jag”. I MUST commit to memory:
– NO TRIGGERS –
It’s what gives them energy. Like alien creatures in the already afore-mentioned King-Barker novel, they feed off the angst and anger and depression of others. Time to starve them… all… preferably to death, lest I become one of them. – Another grey day to “work through”. Lettuce sea what comes of it. – As for the sneakers. A lap-top gives me the opportunity to work, make money, get out of here. Sneakers? Walking… more bloody walking… and perhaps “work”, around here, where it feeds into their selfish entitlement. Nope. that shit’s been cut short. Enough to THAT! — Midnight. Waiting for the wash to spin. Showered and on the bed. In spite of all the sleeping today, of which there was much, I did manage to get a few things “accomplished”. The pipe for the sump is repaired AGAIN. The extension is TAPED on so the fucking water doesn’t simply seep back into the basement. let’s see how long that lasts. And I’ve made a book to record passwords and accounts. Now I can carry them about with me… once I get them all written in it. The print-out is 22 pages. Well, it’ll keep me from arguing with Madame (for at least a while, as I write.) MAYBE I can use the white room! Whilst the Twats are out, away or what-ever the do to keep silent. Tidied the yard a touch… AGAIN. AND, this evening posted a “NEW” post to Crgslst. This one mentions the violence, litigations, restraining orders. Truth and desperation. But Crgslst claims I’ve too mane posts now so tomorrow I need a new account. Oh well. More to add to the new “Password” book. Fuck. Looked at lap-tops at Staples and Walmart in Montreal. The prices are at par with U.S. which means almost half-price. If I could get another 100-200 US, I’d be able to get a new one right away! (IF I could get to Montreal or any store in Quebec. Oh… LOL… Fuck.) – Must note meal: Half an old baked potato, carrots, left-over tuna, 3 eggs together and fried. Old left-overs. – Huge U-Haul at the Glidden house today. Shit-town “news”. Moving in? Out? New renter? The place still looks like shit. – It struck me: AT 5225 I HAD TO DEAL WITH VIOLENCE, POLIE AND WATCHING AND PROTECTING THE HOUSE. I COME TO 5199 AND… MORE VIOLENCE, COURTS, WATHCING AND PROTETING THE FUCKING HOUSE. I GOT THROWN OUT OF 5225. I’VE NO DOUBT THAT’S COMING HERE TOO. FUCKING SHIT BAGS. OH, AND RESTRAINING ORDERS IN BOTH PLACES. POUNDING IN BOTH PLACES. YEP. FUCKING SHIT BAGS. ALL ROUND! – Hallie’s been so quiet all week-end but when we want out at about 22.00 she was only a little playful. I wonder if she senses my disgust or does she know that there’s some bull-shit to come? poor little sweet-heart. The “old gal”. – Well, clothes in the dryer and Madame says she’ll be back “early after-noon”. Yeah… what-ever.
Sun.23.Apr: 9.22 Morning routine and… dressed. Clear skies. Quite bright. Charging iPod and speakers. Prepping for another day of “Avoidance Work”. Work NOT for the sake of anything other than to avoid thinking of where I am and to be certain that I won’t have to engage in ANY chatting with ANY of the “locals”. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. Fill the day with “Doing”. I TRAVEL MY MIND AND INTO MY HEART… NOBODY KNOWS WHEN I GO THAT FAR. (Nor do they give a shit. But, as is the common and typical protocol of my waking hours… I’m already on my way.) – Had a bit of a DREAM this morning:
I wonder: In an old house with some other folks of no particular importance. Brother John or How (it/he was both some-how) was working on the place, repairing, “re-claiming” and renovating. The walls and ceiling were painted white enamel. he was rather frazzled, behind schedule. I offered to help, but only a little. He directed me to a room, but didn’t speak. motioned with a side-ways glance. I and those with me, went along a hall and through a door, into a kitchen. Very high ceiling but a narrow room. The ceiling was covered in old, dark grey “peel and stick” floor tiles! The walls were covered with old, dark grey wall-paper, a layer of grey-blue-purple “Contact” plastic and the top layer, a clear plastic stick-on shit with flowers! I started peeling the top layer and asked “Does this go?” Somebody asked “Is it plastic?” When I said “Yes.” I was told, in a shout “Oh YES!” Apparently, the room was to be stripped to the bare walls, cleaned and painted white! No easy task! I noticed above the old stove, on the wall, almost to the ceiling, a large opening that was covered with an old curtain, some of the tiles on the ceiling and an old blanket. A large exhaust fan. Some-how I suspected there would be bugs, bees or insects in it, but I climbed up to it and as I pulled the cover material away, sure enough! European hornets! I calmly instructed everybody in the room to get out, move, keep going, just get out of and away from the room quickly and immediately. We left through a different door than we’d come in by. More hall-ways to pass and nobody knew where they would lead. i was concerned that the hornets would follow and yelled “Last one out, shut the door… TIGHTLY!” I woke. –
Didn’t want to wake this morning, as usual. Dozed after both alarms until well after 8.00. I don’t give a shit or fuck really. Will Hoover, damp mop. Then plan is to work on the lily-bed ONLY because it gets me out in some sun AND KEEPS ME TOO BUSY to deal with Madame… may the work last long enough. – Quite honestly: my left side, from head to shoulder is SO PAINFULLY stiff this morning. Hey! Wouldn’t it be SO kind if it could be SO terminal! FUCK ME! – 21.50 In bed. Hot shower. 2 naproxyn. – Was out to the yard by about 11.00. In by 18.00. The “mess” of “berry bushes” by the green-house is lean and ready for flowers. The mess at the Highgate St. end of the drive is clean. Even the lilies got cleaned, end-to-end! And I’ve got colour. A brilliant day. Non-stop work. NO FOOD ALL DAY. – Mme. returned at about 17.00. She’d send word at 10.50- that she was working until 16.00 but I didn’t get it until I came in at almost 18.00. What-ever. She didn’t go shopping though. And NO SNEAKERS! (No beer. No smokes.) BUT… the “comment on all the work?” “The daffodils need to be thinned.” And “I won’t have any money until next pay, so I’ll have to get more mulch then.” As for the leaning of the friars and brambles? Not noticed. The lily bed? AFTER HOURS of work: “That’s quite a mess.” Retard. Hey. I do the work to avoid her. And fortunately Pam and Dave went by as I was working and saw. (I told Mme. to talk with THEM about how much work got done. She actually phone Pam to find out! Qunt!) – Well, Mme. offered to cook a burger. I had no appetite. It’s like than on Sunday. A few crackers with a bit of cheese and a beer with 2 naproxyn. Daily “nourishment”. – A bit of TV and when she fell asleep, I got a good HOT shower in. – I over-heard: her Andrew is expected tomorrow and Tuesday. Wednesday she’s planning Plattsburgh for Jesus-selling. Then comes Thrusday and peace again… to a point. – The Twats are thumping about up-stairs. Let it rip! For me, hopefully the naproxyn will kick in for a knock-out. I can only hope. – Oh, she brought grass seed and expects me to do all sorts of shit planting it out front… THIS WEEK! 16$ for a small bag! Would have given me 260 toward a new lap-top. But she’s got her way of saying “Fuck you”. (I have MY way of saying “No dear. Not ‘fuck ME’… FUCK YOU!)
Mon..24.Apr: 21.44 EXHAUSTED! Showered. 2 naproxyn again. In bed after a rough-start day of being rudely awakened by the banging of the fucking wood-stove on a day where yes, it was “cool” but NOT enough for a fucking fire at 7.15! Yes, I lost it a bit, went into a tirade (mild though), got dressed and out the door. To the barn, grabbed the cultivator and dug up front yard for the grass seed. By 11.30, the digging was done. By 13.13 it was seeded and even watered-in! THAT was rather painful and annoying. Painful because the water was COLD! Annoying because the bloody hose leaks and I got soaked feet to knees! – Ah, but as I was working, Kathleen brought my library book over! So sweet. As I said to Jacquie: she likes me… I wonder why. – Also, as I worked, her Andrew came with a young Millennial-type fellow and 2 brat spores. Their first line of duty was “doody”! The four o f them had to shit! But as I finished the front and went, still soaked, to work more on the lily bed they were in the green-house and Mme. wanted ME to go to the basement to turn their water on! I politely said “No.” And headed off to trench the length of the bed from end to end. By about 17.00 that was done and YES, I WA S IN PAIN! But it’s DONE… A-FUCKING-GAIN! – As I worked, Dickie came to chat. I told him about loosing the spot in NY and particulars about the red house rental. Yea, I’m pissed and I don’t give a shit. – And so, a turkey sandwich for “dinner” this evening. – Something’s wrong with the fucking green-house water (and I’M expected to repair it A-FUCKING-GAIN!) – She DID get me 2 packs of smokes though so I didn’t have to hit my account. – And the TENS leads arrived today. – 22.11 Time to start on Alinsky “Rules For Radicals”. Anarchy before sleep.
Tue.25.Apr: 23.03 Quick showered and in bed after a “bi-polar” sort of day that began with general bull-shit when I was asked to fix the hydrant at the green-house and I “explained” how truly fucking fed-up I am of doing work around this place only to have it destroyed and then asked to do it again.> The response was quite one of indignation and bombacious audacity. So I clarified: Adam dug the ditch to repair the hydrant, I had to RE-DIG TWICE because she allowed the little Twat up-stairs to throw rubble into the pit. I did the garden and she gave shit away. “You got a lot for Lyle!” was the reply. Radishes, some cucumbers and 6 ears of corn. “Oh you got a LOT more than that!” The recent yard-work being dug up. “You’re free to leave here when-ever you want.” (Let me jot that for better note.)
YOU’RE FREE TO LEAVE HERE WHEN-EVER YOU WANT.
Fed-up with her bull-shit, I decided to vent on the bloody hydrant… and… though not, perhaps “perfect”… THE BLOODY-FUCKING WATER IS FUKING BACK AT THE GOD-DAMNED GREEN-HOUSE! THE FUCKING HOSE IS REPLACED! DONE! AND I STATED THAT I’LL SKULL-SLAP ANYBODY WHO GOES NEAR IT… WITH A SPADE! Yes, it’s as I told her this morning: “People treat you the way you let them. I have done some very great things in my life-time, madame. I do NOT deserve to be disrespected and I will not be.” – Next? watered the seed, front yard. She took Hallie to Enosburgh for gardening supplies. I REPEATEDLY told her to get ELECTRICAL tape to patch the hose. She came back with… DUCT TAPE! – I painted her Mary statue. 3 coats of white primer. – The “flower bed” by the phone shed is cleaned and ready for seeds. Zinnias again (when I plant, of course). – Burger, potatoes, carrots, mushrooms for dinner. – We watched TV: Anne Frank and then Einstein. – I took 2 naproxyn at 17.00. hopefully they’ll help through the night. – Tomorrow she goes to Plattsburgh in the afternoon. Only ju8st today she asked if I’d like to go with. I dodged, answering. I’d settle for going to Plattsburgh BUT NOT WITH A VERMONTER! – I STILL NEED TO FIX THE TYRE ON THE SUBARU! – June… Let all play well til then and THEN be the END! – Time for a bit of reading and sleep.
Wed.26.Apr: 22.02 In bed. Showered. FULL DAY! – Up at about 7.30. Out the door to a cool, drizzly morning at about 9.00. – Zinnias (seeds) planted by the phone shed and that bramble she calls “berries” back by the green-house. I planned and planted them carefully. I seriously doubt that any will come. But, i don’t give a fuck. Truly, I don’t. – Madame headed off with Hallie, to Plattsburgh at about 11.00 and by 11.30 I was out to rake along the fence on the Highgate Street, to get the leaves and old grass up. At noon, I took a bit of a break mostly because I wasn’t feeling well, and because I was miserably hot! It hot HOT! – Inm for a bowl of yoghurt with molasses and crushed “Life” cereal. It was quite good. Got a 30-minute snooze in too! Curiosity about the new 10z leads got the best of me so I took out the old tool box, hooked one set up with clips, wired-up to “test” and though not “HF” indeed, INDEED it DID WORK! Oh my but it’s been quite a while and, apparently needed. What a difference in “me”! – 14.30 and back out to the fence where the leaves went into the garden and I mowed along the fence (to cut the grass down for sod and to “mark the 24-inches” width that Madame insisted she needs for her sunflowers. Mowed, I laid a line based on the nearest (to the garden) fence post. They’re NOT in a straight line (of course). And got to cutting. – Not sure when Madame returned but it was quite later than her “3.00 o’clock”. No prob. She’s so full of shit that paying her any mind is useless. I was finishing the cutting and her comment about my work? “We’re gonna need a LOT of sunflowers!” Yeah. You’re welcome. Fuck off. She went into the house, I continued cutting. By about 17.00 I’d gotten my 17ft of sod cut and into the cart when I realised the Twats’ are was in front of the gate! Good for me, Mrs. T. arrived. I asked if she could move the car. Dead battery but she went up-stairs and mere moments later, she and Mr. T. were back, jumping and moving the CAR! OMFG! I thanked, dutifully. – Dinner break and at almost 19.00 I was back out to put the sod along the “phone-shed” flower-bed. HEAVY SHIT, that wagon of sod, but by about 19.30 I was DONE! – The sun, warmth, I put the “flat fix” into the Subaru tyre, drove out the drive to the post office and back, twice. The can of flat-fix must have been frozen in the car. It didn’t really inflate as the previous an. And there’s terrible grinding as I drove. Will have to get more flat-fix and try again. It’s OK though… for now. – A bit of TV ad Madame channel-surfed to all kinds of shit.
Thu.27.Apr: 23.28 In bed AT LAST! Nicely showered. Clothes on the “spin”. They TRULY NEEDED washing tonight after the week of work that went into this plae! Bad note though: The left thigh on the jeans is wearing thin. Oh well. There’s nothing to be done about it. – And so… i was up at 7.00 but stayed in bed until 8.00. Coffee. Smoke. Dressed. And by about 9.30 was out the door… to work. Madame was in the green-house as I passed pulling the hay car and shovel. Whine, whine. The water to the hydrant was off. “Where’s my water?” (Margot: “MY” water!) I told her I’d shut it because of the leaks in the hose (which were to be repaired with 1,49$ electric tape as I told her at least 5 times and she went to the store and returned with a 5$ roll of duct tape that was useless). (No, I didn’t mention the tape.) I silently went to the fence and began cutting the next 20 square foot section of her to-be sunflower row. Nothing more was spoken. – Ah… she rang her Andrew this morn. She’s concerned that, as the season for work approaches, he won’t show. Funny shit, this. The garden needs lime and tilling, she’s got trays of seedlings in the green-house and no Jes… no Andrew. No me either. Well? The garden was HER choice. I made it clear I’m NOT participating. Live and learn. These are your “friends”. Tough shit. – And so… I cut and hauled, to the front, the first 20 square feet of sod, placed by the sign to “Whoregate”. As I cut the next, she called me in for lunch. I didn’t because I wanted to get the next sod to the front. She left for work as I was finishing a bare spot. Goodbye. Farewell. She left and I came into the4 house. A tuna sandwich on the table. I ate, had a soda and went out for the next batch of sod which got put along the sidewalk. All sodding done for the day. I watered it and the grass seed (which isn’t coming up, no doubt, old seed, fuck it, too bad). – That done, it was 16.00. A run to the store for bread, cheese, ice cream, a jar of sage and angel hair pasta, etc. And yes, frank for Hallie since her “snax” are running quite low still. Chatted with Jada about an altercation that had taken place at 5225 on Saturday last: This morning, as I worked out front, dear Gaylord told that a delivery to Dick Wright was made. The driver went to the store for a sandwich and parked in front of 5225. Well, said Gaylord, one of the 2 shit-bags deflated the tyres on the truck. Some-body rang the police, one of them (the shit-bags) punched a cop, got cuffed and will go to court. However, the Jada version reads, the shit-bags were pissed because they allege the driver blocked their “drive-way” (which nobody’s used in the almost 4 years I’ve been here) AND that he did so because they’re Gay. Bob deflated the tyre/tyres, somebody rang the police, Bob got out of hand, did something, will have to appear in court. oh well. Too bad I can’t go… character witness. Tell ’em what I know about old Bobo. – Well, back at the Fucktard home, Hallie got dinner, I had pasta, butter, ketchup, cheese, ice cream and a 30-min “snooze”. Got up, washed dishes, swept and Hoovered the floors, did a second “smudge” (sage cleansing), first one done when I got in from the store, cleaned the floor mop, washed the kitchen floor. Took Hallie out for a smoke and a brushing and THAT WAS THIS DAY. – At about 22.00, after watching “The Five”, got a quick use of the new leads, tah-dah and the shower. – OK now. message from Madame. her Andrew will be here on Saturday. She’s told him “to lime the garden and set up trays for her to start squash”. Message ends with “Thank you for all the work and the house too what are you going to do on Sunday?” (She wants help bringing her Maryrose’s tyres to Costco. I’ve already told her that my FS post on Monday and no, I’m not helping with the tyres. The woman’s a fucking idiot! I’m NOT “helping” Andrew with the garden either. Fuck them all.) – And so, 24.25 The screen is in the window tonight. It’s been miserably HOT all day! At least 28° if not 30 or more. There’s a breeze coming in with the scent of my clothes in the dryer. Météo says “thunder storm” at 2 or 2.30. I hope so! Then more sun during the day. – I got a HORRIBLE muscle spasm earlier tonight! Should grab a naproxyn. – 3 smokes left. Might have to buy more tomorrow (and enough “Twisted Tea” too. There goes my cash. Fuck me.) – Clothes done. Time to wrap THIS fucking day (attach it to weights and dump it down a deep hole.)
Fri.28.Apr: 8.45 with a breeze coming in through the open window. A “warmish” breeze… and humidity. The “hot” days are here. Only 2 weeks ago I woke to snow. This morning, much green on the trees. It all happens so quickly, the change in weather… the HEAT! It’s a bit over-cast and apparently we didn’t get the rain over night. Oh well. So? – There’s more sod to be moved. And other shit to be done. Alas. Oh well. BFD. The “work” will get done. It will be presentable, neat, clean, respectable. It will be unappreciated. There will be whining. “What are you doing on Sunday?” Madame asks. NOT hauling your Maryrose’s tyres. But I won’t address the matter until. Because your brain obviously won’t registre my words. – Had a brief DREAM before waking:
Rainy evening. madame “volunteered” me to haul a group of her cronies home from some meeting… in the Subaru. She knew it needed repairs but everybody packed in anyway. I was SO nervous, started the car and began to roll. NO brakes! None! The car slowed to a stop. i needed to reverse to get out of the parking lot. The brakes worked in reverse. Put the car back into “drive”, the brakes were working but the wobbled as we rolled along. I thought to my-self: She KNOWS the fucking are isn’t safe so what-ever happens, happens. If we break-down, she’ll just have to deal with it. I’ll deal with me; let her deal with her and hers. But we DID manage to roll along surprisingly well, with the car packed to capacity. –
9.15 My face and neck are sun-burned this morning. I should get chest and neck to match but last night’s “weigh-in” was 179 point something POUNDS and they’re not “attractive” pounds. I shouldn’t give a fuck, really. – More sod to haul. I need to learn how to operate Cecil’s old “tractor”. – Oh well, being in here, in the peace, the breeze… gets nothing done. – And I’ll need to calc my “damages” today: smokes and some “Twisted Teas”. Fuck. – Good-morning heart-ache. Here we go again. – I HATE THIS SHIT-HOLE!!!!! – 23.22 This day is GONE AT LAST! – I’m showered, in my grey, light-weight sweats, showered (repeating) waiting for the rinse on today’s clothes. The fan is in the window and bringing in refreshing, cool air. The room smells of sage that burned as I showered. The sleeping bag got washed today and, for a while, drip-dried out-side then finished in the dryer. OK. So as much “sod” as can be used is moved to the front. What’s left will be tilled. Today I added to the side-walk and round the pine and watered the whole. The seed? not even the slightest indication of “life”. Seems Madame Don’t Tell me Shit got taken… again. Oh well. Tough shit. Ms. Mary is back out front as well. – Today I calc’ed:
I CUT STRIPS OF SOD AT 10FTx2FT OR 20 SQUARE FEET.
EACH SQAURE FOOT WEIGHTS AN AVERAGE OF 14lbs.
20 SQUARE FEET IS A HAY-CART. EACH CART WEIGHS ABOUT 280lbs.
I’VE HAULED 5 CARTS OF SOD FOR 1400lbs.
Appreciated? Oh Hell fuck no! That fucking Mary statue? must weigh upwards of 90-100lbs. Hauled THAT from front to back to front yard too. Appreciated? Oh! To “LOL”! Expected. She whined when Vincent asked for reference. When the lap-top went (from plaster and saw dust, I’m certain) she whine “You need a new computer.” Now let me see: Whine about “HAVE to work” and yet blow 13$ on a tiny bag of grass seed at Aubachon’s instead of Home Depot, 5$ roll of duct tape instead of 1$ roll of electric tape. Saving 75$ per week not putting Hallie in a kennel. Oh fuck it! Never mind. – Took the Subaru out and round the square this evening! Except for the calipers/brakes HEATING the wheels, baby ran delightfully! I’ll have to figure some-thing about the seizing, but I’m THRILLED about how well it ran other-wise. – Well, I’m 2 “Teas” under. It’s almost mid-night. Clothes int he dryer. I’m sneaking out for a smoke. – Her Andrew is due tomorrow to “lime the garden and set up trays for squash”. Me? No! No “help”. I learned the hard way. No sympathy nor compassion here. – Oh, quite an interesting moon tonight. It almost seemed an eclipse of sorts. The “finger nail” was very bright. The rest was some-what “shadowed”. But there was a dim but visible ring of light round the entire circumference. wish I had a camera to have taken a photo. (It brought memories of Dennis and night at the park. I sent him a text message to say I’m thinking of him. I wonder why he doesn’t call. No doubt he’s been poisoned by “sister”. Oh well. It doesn’t matter, really. I can keep in touch. Maybe it matters to him. Maybe it doesn’t. How I yearned to be as un-caring as I perceived him to be. Now? I am. It took me many years but… here I am.)
Sat.29.Apr: 12.30 at the kitchen table, ceiling fan on. door open, and delightful silence. The Twats left about an hour ago. Enjoy now for tonight all Hell will break. – Woke at about 8.00 with a sore neck so bad that for a while I thought I’d be paralysed… Left side crunches so badly of late, it makes me wonder WTAF is in there. But oh well and be it as it may. – Up and to the morning with bad bowels. Not the trots but constant “going”. Can’t figure why. But considering where I am, no sense in pondering. Dressed. Smoke. Hallie out and breakfast and on to polishing boots. The St. marks were filthy from yard-work. AND today, the Goodwills got scrubbed-polished to get that white “dust” off! laces washed too. they look good and “the important” part is the inside so keeping the rest preserved is rather crucial. I don’t know exactly “why” at this juncture of existence. But… it all passed the morning. – It’s “heavy”, the constant not caring, looking no further than the next moment. It’s suffocating, being here… “being” at all. Last night, looking at the moon and stars, I was completely at peace and fully prepared to “leave”. Fuck me though. Not here! NOT in this state, county, town, house! I am a New Yorker and, as ready as I am to “go”, I want to leave at home, under my New York sky, in my New York air. I do NOT want my spirit floating about here, and I do NOT want my remains wasting into this shit-hole. I just need to get back home. And now, at this juncture, by what-ever means, manner and method necessary. Between the Shelter and this state I’ve learnt: It’s not about “them”. No matter what I do FOR “them”,. no good will come of it. It truly IS time as Ev advised, to do what’s “good” for ME. It’s my comfort and consolation knowing that there are people who actually KNOW and understand. And yes, there are those who “hate”, but they hate all and themselves. I want to go home. I need to do what-ever is necessary… What ever. – I keep thinking of the lap-top and the new coding I learned, all the work that’s locked on the drive. And the lap-top was OK until all that dust got into it. Had I been politely fore-warned, I’d’ve protected it. But no. Madame “ME” just floated along giving shits about her self only. Now, taking ZERO responsibility: “You have to get a new computer!” Yeah? FUCK YOU! I could be making some money here. BUT… I fuck-up my spine at 5225 to be tossed out and now my lap-top is shit and… thanks for a room and bed and expecting all sorts of kindnesses. oh… fuck it! Fuck it ALL! Home, by any and all means, manners and methods necessary. – Andrew was supposed to come to work for her today. It’s 13.05 and… nope. But the sky is grey so “liming” is out of the question. Well Ms. Madame? it’s as I told you recently “You’ve lost a friend.” I’m no longer here to help, no longer here to be abused. Fuck you, dear. – “Lunch break” time. I’m not hungry but should eat what I brought in. And a tea would be lovely. – 23.32 In bed. Showered. – Andrew got here at about 16.00. took the table (folding) from the kitchen, set it up at the green-house and put the plant trays on it. Asked me if I was going to garden. I told him “no” and about the sod, just to have my work noted. He left shortly after 17.00. – Me? I did nothing all day. Napped from about 13.00 to 15.00. – Chilly tonight. Minus 1 for the night. It’s about 25° in the room now. I cranked the heat earlier, took the fan out of the window. High of 9° for tomorrow. – Message from Madame: “I’ll be hot at some time tomorrow.” Yeah. OK. Fine. What-ever. – Time to wrap the day. Only need to mop the kitchen floor tomorrow. The Hoovering from Thursday lasted. – Saged the room today. I can still smell it. – Enough. Tired.
Sun.30Apr: 8.27 Sunny. rather chilly morning. Morning “routine” complete. Hallie’s having breakfast. My bowels are still in a bit of turmoil. There’s a mourning dove trapped in the green-house. I wonder if the seedlings with-stood last night’s chill. it’s still quite warm int he room and house but I’ve put the heat back down. Mustn’t let it be obvious that I’ve kept myself from freezing in here. She’ll pay the electric for those who abuse, but I’ll hear “The oil is costing me…!” if I dare make myself humanly comfortable. There as lot of “green” ont he trees and such. I did NOT want to be here, in this shit-hole, to see this. here we go again. I need to work on a new posting for NY. – 8.37 Looks like it’s going to be a “cleansing” sort of day. The week-end “intake” is becoming quite the Sunday “out-put”. I’ve little doubt that “anxiety” plays into this. Well… ’tis Sunday” let the shining commence. It’s inevitable. – 22.21 Madame returned at about 15.0 and we chatted rather briefly. By about 17.00 I came into the room for a lie-down and fell right to sleep… until shortly after 21.00 and so, here I am, awake, hoping to be able to get back to sleep soon… and through the night. – But HEY! I GOT TO CHAT, FOR 11 MINUTES, WITH EV! THANK YOU SKYPE! I rang here at about 14.00. The connection was wonderful. But Lois and Taylor were there for the week-end and they were going out. Ev seemed sorry to hear that I’m not planning to return to The City. perhaps she DOES miss having me around. Yes indeed, I am a good friend…to some. (As I said to Jacquie: You’ve lost a friend.) – And so, when I woke, I had 2 rolls with almond butter and the little half’n’half that was left in the fridge. None left for tomorrow’s coffee for Madame. Oh well. She had all sorts of money to buy shit at the “Maple Parade” today but none for smokes. She got a LOT of work done round the house on the week-end (though I didn’t wash the kitchen floor… too bloody bad). Not worth smokes? I got the half’n’half. (But she DID bring yoghurt AND DID notice that ALL the left-overs are still in the fridge. HEY! I can get my own food. Smokes. But that’s not important to her? Her coffee’s not important to me.) – Anyway, after my rolls, brief chit-chat in the parlour and she’s off to sleep. – Me, I got an idea this evening: fishing poles on Selz. This week. Some of the are quite costly. Let’s see. Tomorrow is a new month. Let’s be a new me too. SHELTER MODE. DO WHAT-EVER YOU MUST USING WHAT-EVER MEANS!!!