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FROM UNDER THE RUBBLE: I knew back then… they ignored that too. Angelfire
Sun.1.Sep.2013: This month is brought to you by the letter “S”. S is the first letter of the wonderful word “Schadenfreude”! 
And Schadenfreude is the “Motto-Motive” for the month! – Schadenfreude… it means “Happy days”. – 11.27 22deg. with HeatIndex of 31deg. 91per-cent humidity. I’ve been awake from since about 8.00 this morning. It’s a new month, a new page here, and yet, old memories crash into my head as usual. The chequing account will be over-drawn today when the service charges are posted. I’m about to lose the account again! The storage needs to be paid. I’ll lose that again. Rent is paid, but not as it should be. Another “lose”. No income because of no job because I’m qualified but can’t break through the accusations and charges that were “dismissed”, tossed out. This month these things will be taken care of… on MY terms, in MY manner and fashion, to MY satisfaction. There is no “assistance” in any of this shit save my own. And the time is at hand to deal with it all… ALONE! – 17.42 Round about 14.00 I went out to mow the front yard. That brought me to weeding the front flower bed, which led to cleaning under the roses, which led to trimming the roses, which led to raking the front and side yards. Time… Meanwhile, Randy and Lyle went out to blow 200$ on groceries, which took them the better part of almost 3 hours and they came back with… some groceries and much dog food. The dogs get only the high-end brands while the food that comes into the house is… pork, pork and more fucking pork. But what I don’t understand is why it takes HOURS for them to shop and how they can blow 200$ and come back with almost nothing. Well, none of my fucking business. I eat with them only out of obligation to participate. Other-wise, it’s like this evening when, at the end of my energy, I stopped in at the market next door for a bottle of Mt. Dew and a box of PopTarts which I sat on the stone wall at the North flower-bed and ate and drank. That will probably be my intake for the day today. – As I worked I recalled a comment made by Lyle on Friday when I told him of the events with the PO. When I told him that the Highgate PM is in charge of the Franklin office, his response was “I’d haul ass right over there and talk to him!” Noting: It was well after 17.00 on a Friday evening on a holiday week-end when this took place. “I’d haul ass right over there…”? My “ass hauling” is done on a bicycle to begin with, Highgate isn’t just round the bend in the road, the office is closed now, the PM won’t be back until Tuesday… But everyfuckingbody knows SO much better than I do, what needs to be done and when. I’m fucking sick to fucking death of all that bull-shit. That, and the expression “I feel your pain.” You fucktard piece of maggot-infested dung. No… you DON’T “feel” my pain. You feel YOUR pain for what-ever reason you have. But you DON’T feel MY pain, you condescending jackwad. – I’m tired… Actually, I am tired. But I’m also covered with dirt, dust and such. But I’m going to quick nap anyway. Just tired! – Admission: I look at some of the prospectives coming and going all day, some are of interest, most are not. Then I think of me: I look like I’m walking round half dead, my physique is now shit, I’m not feeling well, have nothing to offer any one else. It’s not that I’d even slightly dependant on others for romance and the such. But I don’t need to be reminded. – 23.09 Showered at last! Well, at 21.00 anyway. It feels delightful. Now I need to shave, brush my teeth (again) and try to return to something rather “human”. But, truth is? Fuckit! – From what I understand, Lyle and Randy came back with (in addition to CASES of dog food) several boxes of PopTarts. Imagine that! (Mine are currently in the barn for tomorrow’s yard work.) Why? Not a clue. I certainly won’t eat them and, well, honestly, neither of them should but… that’s none of my business. – Tonight I got called for dinner. Good fried chicken, Bob made mashed potatoes and some mixed vegetables. I had a small piece of chicken, one “glop” of potatoes and a bit of the veggies. Mr. R. took the LARGEST piece of chicken with a bit of potato and veg and, of course, didn’t finish and gave the rest to the dogs! It’s making me sick: dogs should not eat table food and if he KNOWS he’s not going to be able to eat everything he takes, then he shouldn’t be taking it in the first place! And so, I’ve yet another reason to try to avoid being in or around the house at meal-time. It’s just annoying, aggravating and sickening. But it helps to not be eating too awfully much now. Just enough to keep going. – Immediately after dinner, I took Dixie out for a game of Frisbee… her absolute fave! and then came in and back up-stairs to troll about the Internet and post to my Tmblr for a bit. – The guys sat out on the front porch for a bit this evening but not for very long. Bob’s gout is acting up again and so, I suppose, there wasn’t much drinking going on so there wasn’t much cause to sit out tonight. Too bad, that. It’s turned rather pleasantly cool this evening. But what the hey. – Tomorrow’s forecast is for rain, damn-it! I wanted to get on the bike, head to the Trail and get some blackeyed susans for the flower beds! Well, we’ll see what the morning brings. If there’s even the slightest chance of being able to make the trip, I’ll go for it. (Something to remember me by when I’m gone… and something that would delight Daisy, Lyle’s Mum.) This evening, Bob went into the barn and got out an old wagon wheel, suggested I put it on the front of the house and move the little wheel to the side. I did. It looks quite nice. Then he called Lyle to come out and look. I think Lyle approved. I cleared so much out of the old roses today and trimmed them just a bit to make them look “attended”. The grounds are looking quite lovely of late, and people are commenting favourably. Once again, my labours make things nicer for others. I truly am being FORCED into ALTRUISM! And, as Ayn Rand so eloquently put it: True altruism destroys people. I’m willingly and wilfully on the road to… and I don’t give a shit any more. Just keep moving, moving, moving. One of these days it’ll be effective. – Spent a bit of time on the Twtr this evening as well. And now, I’ve decided that tonight, through the night, I’ll work on the music collection. I want it in order for trips HOME and for THE trip HOME. For some reason, I’ve just not been able to focus on it in recent days and there’s much to be done! Of course, I’ve not been able to focus on much in recent days and in more recent days, well, there’s SO much that is re-surfacing in memories and on the brain… precious little of it being positive or “up” or “happy”. There are “letters” I want to get composed and put out on the Internet some-where. Letters particularly to siblings, LC, EW. Things that I want off my chest and to be known, like how I find it rather interesting and some-what amusing how, my “sister” brought such a beautiful and wonderful son into the world because of her selfishness, chastised me for not “congratulating” her when she got pregnant with him, the invited me into her house only to literally throw me out! then let my entire life-time go to auction with nothing more than an e-mail “I’m so sorry…” and now? That child she brought selfishly into the world? Dead! I can’t help but go with the feeling: serves her right! Schadenfreude. I’m learning to actually enjoy it!
Mon.2.Sep:
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00.30 Imagine that! The entire first day of the month is already gone and passed and is now the “past”! My! How the time has flown! And look at me, still up, awake and posting to this Journal! I need to get the hell off-line and on with the music-thing! But for some reason, this whole “Schadenfreude” mind-set has me just the slightest bit manic at the moment. I’ve wasted SO much of my existence believing Schadenfreude was wrong and punishable. What a total shit-skid I’ve been! Seriously? Punishable? Karma? Fuck that “Karma” bull-shit! Here is my reminder… my monthly “banner”. It’s about time I just lived the way the rest of them live: dishing as much shit as I feel I need to. THAT’S “KARMA”! And now, THAT’S SEPTEMBER! FTW! I always wondered just how much shit I could take being shoved down my throat, in my eyes, up my arse hole, in my ears and into every other orifice I was born with before I’d get to this point. Well, this month, now, I know. And this is THE END OF IT! I don’t deserve this anxiety! And I’m not just going to sit quietly, like some dumbass monk in a meditation garden, sniffing smokey incense and chanting to the Great Metaphysical for “inner peace and harmony”. BLOW ME! Today it’s all over… O-VUH! My sister’s son died? She deserved that! Selfish bitch. Schmulik got AIDS? He didn’t pick it up at a yard sale for Kriste’s sake! He went out LOOKING and TRYING for it! Bingo! Gotcha! They ALL did! No more “poor baby” shit. Facts. Oh well. Them’s the breaks. You got what you went out of your way for and you want sympathy? I’m just fresh out. No time. No interest. – And so, on that note, I continue with this month, giving back and passing forward. Say “Goodbye” to Hollywood. There’s a new “Me” in town… and as ugly as I feel I look in the mirror? That’s as ugly as it’s going to be. Fuck it ALL! – HAPPY NEW LIFE! – 20.26 JUST sitting after a cool shower, having JUST come in from being out just about ALL day. Weeded the 2 flower beds in the back (by the barn and behind the garage), then weeded and mulched the North flower-bed,THEN actually CLEANED BEHIND THE BARN!!! I walked out the door of the house at about 11.00 this morning, took a 30minute break for a slice of pizza and a soda at about 17.30. Then, Frisbee with Dixie for about 20 minutes and back out “behind the barn” until the RAIN came POURING down at about 19.45 and I really had no choice but to give up for the night. Not only because of the rain but because it was getting to where I couldn’t see what I was doing. Bad enough I’ve got something in my left eye anyway. Don’t know what it is. Just something that “flew” in as I was pulling on the briars. –
20.32 Holy SHIT! THE WIND AND RAIN ARE SLAMMING OUT THERE!!! IT’S REALLY QUITE AMAZING!!! A BIT OF LIGHTNING AND THUNDER AS WELL!!! The Summer storm we never got this Summer. And the temperature is dropping rapidly. Prevailing wind from the North (of course). I can tell the direction of the wind by looking out the window, across the road, at the flag on the utility pole. SOOOOOOO small town USA. (Fuck me.) Well? Here we go. Hopefully it’ll get it all out of its system tonight. I have a bike ride into Highgate tomorrow and some serious butt-kicking to do at the Postal Office there. – Oh, this morning, Bob came into the room with a desk-top oscillating fan. I told him that I was still working on fixing the one I had, but he said “It’s HOT!” and he put it in the window and turned it on. Yes, it was quite “warm” in the room this morning, and a bit “humid”. And the fan did feel great. But I didn’t realise just how HOT it actually was until I walked out the door… BAM! AWFUL! Still… better to be occupied out of the house, away from the barking dogs (and fleas). – And so, that was the day. – 20.55 The house is now calming, so too, the “storm”. The temperature has dropped to a beautiful “cool”. Thunder still rolls in the distance… looooooonng rolls of thunder. By now the storm is probably at Richford, soon to be over Newport. How strange… to know the North Country so well now… now, of all the times. But this is what I came back for. Took me about 30 years but… here I am, where MY memories are beautiful and I look forward to going to them. – “If you’re goin’ to the North Country fair…” – 23.07 I AM SO BLOODY HUNGRY!Tomorrow’s bike ride’ll take that away. Meanwhile, it’s turned to a lovely comfortably coolish night and I’m off to under the covers with a heart-felt and delightful “Fuck the shit out of the world” attitude. I’ve busted much today, worked hard, sweat like all shit let loose, accomplished much and you know what? I’ve done it for ME. Yes, that’s right… for me.
Because I won’t get much more than a “looks nice” so? It’s about ME and yes, even though it isn’t finished yet, it does look wonderful. – And this week? That “someone” who’s been communicating with me for a while? WTF? I’m sick to death of living “careful”. Bullshit! – Oh and PS: Tonight I’ve begun… that fucking studio in NYC? and his merry band of phaerie-cake illegals? DOWN DOWN DOWN they go! That’s only JUST begun this evening. Buh bye. – Goodnight!
Tue.3.Sep: 6.27 Yard clothes in the washer. Cloudy, cool, humid. The little rat (bloody Randy’s Chica!) barked at me as I opened the room door to put the wash in this morning! As I thought: “This, dear people, is why I pee in bottles and won’t come out of the room until later in the day.” Trapped! This is no way to “be”. – I have to check the weather forecast. I want to finish the work behind the barn AND I want to get to Highgate Center today! (20miles round-trip on that). And I’ll be needing coffee soon… a 20-mile biker into Enosburg to the REAL market. (I don’t get to go to the market with Lyle and Randy because there in’t enough room in the car for 3 people and groceries… AND the fact that they make me insane as they stroll, undecided, or follow a list that isn’t aisle-by-aisle and STILL can’t decided. So… I’m on my own with these trips. (Uh oh… the birds are coming to the window and I have nothing to put on the sill for them… Oh! And I have to chance the hummingbird food too!) Oddly enough, I would have had to make the trip into Enosburg tomorrow, had I still had the interview at the PO. Well, we shall see how it all works out. Right now, the washer is going, the skies look as if they’re clearing in the North-West, so I’ll check the forecast and see. (Just looked at my sneakers… not good. They’re about to fall apart. That’s going to HURT! Speaking of which… Storage! Oh dear fuck me now… Winter clothing, blankets, shoes, good clothes… bits of furnishings… ) – Time to get the clothes into the dryer so that I can get this work done this morning before heading off on the bike. (Say about me what you will and then I will take my turn in saying Fuck you and your bullshit opinion, go eat your own shit and rot painfully slowly until you actully do go to Hell.) – Lovely way to begin a day. – 6.41 – 19.23 Too tired. (Wed morning) –
I was SO completely knocked-out last night, even at that hour that I just couldn’t keep my eyes open and my fingers just wouldn’t type. Shut-down. So, here, the re-cap this morning… – This morning I was out the door at 9.00 and headed right away to cleaning-up the last of the area behind the barn. I didn’t really intend to do much, there are phone calls that need to be made and trips to be taken and I was going to do all of those instead. But, the weather report was for rain and chances of “orages” so, as the sky went from blue to grey, I decided to get to what used to be (as I learned) Lyle’s Mum’s (Daisy) herb garden. It’s been taken back by Nature and LOADED with all sorts of growth. But since Bob said he’d planted flowers in it (they never took), I thought I’d do the work to give them back that garden. Well, that turned into an all-day chore and it isn’t even done yet. There were bricks along the perimiter, and those got buried deeply into the soil under the grasses. And the roots of some of the weeds are so deep that the weeds have to be dug out. There are box elders growing in there as well.
So, as I say, it became and all-day venture. – Round about noon, I took a break. (I should have seen the fatigue coming when I HAD to take the noon break to eat and drink.) So I stopped at the market for a box of donuts, bottle of Mt.Dew and a small bag of cashews (and PopTarts for tonight) and sat on the little table on the tree stump for about 15 minutes and then got back to “work” as the sun broke through the clouds and it got really quite warm. Ah… my head and clothes got covered in the seeds and such from the weeds, but, the job continued until about 15.30 when the rains came and made it all but impossible to keep going. The handle on the leaf-rake snapped and I wired that together. The weeds were really quite heavy and there were many trips back to the “dump”. So this was quite the task at any rate. There was actually more work in that one “garden” than in all the other flower-beds combined! Even clearing behind the barn was easier in comparison. This “garden” is THE chore of chores.
Anyway… – Just as I was finishing up, Randy came to the door to say that Bob needed me. I expected some moving of furniture or something and, honestly? I wasn’t too thrilled because I was tired at this point. But me, being “me”… I went into the house to help. – What a pleasant little surprise! On the table, on my plate (the table had been set for dinner) was the stew-pot, with lid on. Bob said “Sit down, your dinner’s ready.” I had a feeling they’d cooked something special for by b’day but… when I opened the lid, inside the pot was: a really nice shirt, pair of jeans (size 34×34! And I’m cinching my belt to keep the 32 waist on my arse… but the jeans came from TactorSupply! YAY!), and a tiny “garden tote” with miniature gardening tools in it! It was from the 3 of them for my b’day! They shouldn’t have… in so many ways and on so many levels… but it was so sweet of them. (Still, I wish they hadn’t done, and I sincerely wish they’d left well-enough alone. But…) – There was also a card from Nancy… b’day. A sand castle. Really very cute, pop-up. And it played “Dont’ Worry, Be Happy”. Very cute… and a reminder of Rockaway which, for some reason this evening, struck me quite hard and was really quite painful. I do miss it. Times were tough there, but I do miss it. I’ve been listening to “He’s On The Beach” lately and thinking of the days of living in Rockaway. And I follow the latest on Twtr from the folks there. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”? At this juncture, even that tune struck me as being a little sarcastic, snarky and inappropriate. I have NO bloody job! I have NO bloody car! I have NO bloody income! I can’t get a damned loan! And even if I could, I can’t get a bloody job thanks to some bloodyfucking bullshit from Diane Olsen and Days Inn! I can’t pay the storage this month so I’ll have NOTHING-NOTHING come the cold months. And even at that, I have NO way of GETTING any of my Winter things anyway. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”. And jeans that don’t fit that I’ll have to make a bike trip of some 15 miles each way to return/exchange. But… “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”. – Bull-shit. Thank you. – Well then, to sit to dinner. A burger, a bit of scallop potatoes. Nothing much. Just enough to keep from being “offecncive” and not joining the guys. I wasn’t actually asked to join and usually, the food manages to stay in the corner farthest from me. But tonight I helped-myself to the burger, Lyle passed me the burger-buns and I got a spoon of potatoes. Nothing on the burger though… the condiments were all beside Randy, just out of reach. I’m not rude. And… I don’t care anyway. – “Dinner” done, I put my plate in the sink and came up to “my” room to count what change I have… Canadian, mostly and was going to see if, like Mayhew’s, the Franklin Market takes the Canadian money. Bob asked if I had enough on my FS card to get a box of pasta they’d “ordered” next door. (OK. On Sunday, the 1st, Lyle and Randy BOLTED to the market to get groceries and, I’m to understand, blew the entire 200$ allotment. But they couldn’t buy pasta? They “ordered” it from that market? Trouble! Not bright.) I actually AM “living” off of those FS I get each month, but… my contribution to the house-hold (even though the rent is paid… and this will be my last month here). And I was going to the market anyway. So… of course, no prob. – The pasta was almost 18$ (which I can understand, since it’ll be feeding… according to thinking round here… 4 people. But I wonder how much that thief next door is charging per bag… and, no doubt, a “special order” charge and anything else they can get away with out here).
*** But THEN came THE clincher! The bloody INSULTS! Bev(erly), was behind the counter. I asked for the pasta, got it and paid. I asked her if the store accepted Canadian currency for purchases, that I had a bit of Canadian money and would like to get a pack of cigarette with. WELL! She got all flustered, told me that they would, but shrugged her shoulders and went into some diatribe about making the “conversion”, the rate, the special “key” on the registre that does the calculations and how much the banque charged them for taking it and how much the banque would convert it into. When I said that the stores in Richford simply take it because it’s at par these days, she looked at me and said “Well, you know… that’s ‘Richford’.” with a shit-smirk on her face. As if to say “Richford’ll take ANY money they can get… being so depressed.” And I’m in no further mood for the Richford smearing. She said that the owner and the others often simply take it at par BUT she added that even the people who come to the store on bikes pay with US currency! Really? I wonder where they get it, since I happen to KNOW the towns just North of the border, from Morses Line to Sutton and I happen to KNOW that there isn’t a banque in ANY of them. So that would mean that the nice people from Québec would have to make a VERY special trip to a banque, let us say, perhaps in Cowansville, to get the US currency. “They all pay with US dollars when they come here.” says she. THEN she implied that I couldn’t understand the concept of of “exchange rate”!!! So I simply, quietly and politely said “Well then, it looks like Richford comes out to be the ones with the better intelligence since they don’t have to figure all the conversions and simply understand the meaning of ‘at par’ when it comes to currencies and finance and don’t need special buttons and keys to figure it all out for them.” and, quietly, I left the store. SHIT LIST! Fucking |<|_||\|T! I'll be figuring ways of going into Richford or Enosburg from now on to get what little bit of food-stuffs I might need. 10-20miles on the bike (or foot). But fuck me and them next door if I'll be patronising that shit-hole! (And fuck it all anyway. At the rate things are going, I won't be using all the FS anyway.)***
And so, I came back to the house, put the pasta on the kitchen table and went out to the yard where Lyle and Bob were looking at the “work” I'd put into the yard. Lyle commented that the area has never been THAT cleared. He SAYS he's appreciative. But then he added that his Mum would have never let me clean it THAT much, that she'd have insisted that the berry-bushes (the raspberries) be saved. I quietly informed that the bushes weren't very productive in the first place and that when they did produce, the berries never made it to full maturity, turned black and rotted. Oh well… if left alone, the damned area will be back to exactly what it looked like before I cleaned it… most likely, before the end of the next season. Fuck it. – In closing for the day: I'm losing another tooth. The upper right one is all but ready to pop out. There's another on the upper left as well. Soon I won't be able to chew anything. – A quick review of the forecast for the week: frost for the week-end. Me, no boots, no jacket and all of it about to be gone. – I don’t believe I much care.
Wed.4.Sep: 6.15 Yard clothes back in the washer. Randy is awake. Lyle was stirring when I came up from putting the clothes in. I don't give a shit this morning. I fell deeply asleep right after turning out the light at 21.00 (exactly) last night. I'm exhausted. My energy-level is reaching a low. And I have 3 bike trips in the plans: Richford (PO, Brenda, smokes), Highgate (to rip into the PM in the PO there for being so fucking stupid) and St. Albans/Highgate to the Tractor Supply to either return or exchange the jeans Bob, Lyle and Randy gave for my b'day. (I can't help but think: I have no car, they gave me clothes with-out knowing my size, then, when the jeans didn’t fit, Bob hands me the receipt… knowing I have no car and will have to bring them back on the bike. It is as I say: people are fucked up.) – Anyway, even after almost 9 hours of non-stop, steady sleep, I could go back to bed right now. But, wash is in and when it's done, I have to be out. Not sure which, or how any trips I'll be heading-out for though… – 7.50 When I went down to get the wash out of the dryer, Randy had gone back to sleep, Lyle is on his CPAP and I’m tired already… all that sleep and I’m tired… and SO much travel to be done! – 10.26 HAD to take a 20minute nap! HAD to! I’m REALLY out of it all this morning! But just now, as I’m getting ready to hit the road? CLOUDS and chilly breezes! The weather map shows RAIN coming until noon. Then clearing for 2 hours. Then rain again until 16.00. Then clear for a while. And I have THREE trips, each of which will take most of a day! – No word from the PO and my e-mails. So I’ve started a small “campaign” on the Twtr. Fuck them! Everybody else gets to say and do what-ever they want and that’s fine. If I open my mouth (or key-board?) to say what I feel, I’m whining, going through a phase, or just something annoying to be ignored. Fuck the entire world! I’ve kept my feelings to myself and put up with the bullshit for 58 years! Fuck them all! Just simply fuck them all! I don’t give a fuck any more. I don’t give a fuck what people think of me because being concerned about it has gotten me… fucked. Time for a fuckback. What a lovely way to spend a day: ready to go to WAR! – And now my stomach’s churning and wants to clean my entire system out? Oh… here we go! Why can’t I be like other people? Why can’t I just go back to bed (Lyle’s up but Randy’s back asleep) and just let a day slip by? It’s not as though I sit around doing nothing at all most of the time. It’s not as though I shine and beg for lifts to where I need to get to, or ask/expect to be helped all the time. It’s not as though I’ve spent my entire life-time looking to others. Shit! If anybody knew even a portion of my walking, my figuring things out for myself… ALONE, thank you very much… in silence, thank you very much. 58 years of it! I’m fucking bloody well tired now. And yet? Look at where this all goes… into a Journal! A JOURNAL! FUCK IT! Really. Just fuck it! – OH! And today was supposed to be my interview at 11.00. How charming is THAT? I should be INTERVIEWING in 6 minutes. Yeah, well. Fuck me. And so much for all the “support”. Kiss my arse and eat shit! Don’t anybody get up… I’ll see myself to the door. –
– 20.55 Got in 22 minutes ago… a trip to RICHFORD! SAW ABBY! 71km round-trip. Left at approx. 12.30. Arrived at 16.00. Got 3 Musketeers, a cherry pie, peanut-butter wafers, cinnamon bun, Fuze tea, 2 packs smokes. FS. Dear Abby! DEAR, SWEET RICHFORD. Left approx. 16.30 and got into the house at 20.22. Nobody was here when I arrived. How odd. But just 8 minutes later, they all returned. Lyle had to go get his CPAP adjusted so it was a “road trip” for them. Me? I stopped along the way back a couple of times. Had the cinnamon bun before leaving Richford. Had the peanut-butter wafers en route. At the bench in Enosburg, I had the cherry pie and drank the tea along the way. Good thing I saved the 3 Musketeers… am having that as I type. The guys went to McD’s in St. Albans. – But it was a delight to get out and away today. I kept watching the weather report and it kept threatening rain. But the skies said “not”… just clouds. So? I was going to go just use the Canadian money and get a pack of smokes, use the FS for “munchies”. It was “Richford”… it was SO good to be back! Oh, at the PO? The reminder: PO Box rent due before the end of this month. Well… how delightful to be reminded of yet another thing that will be gone. And this time it looks like there’s nothing that will save anything. Oh well… I’m close enough to HOME. – As I came along the 105 through E.Berkshire and along the Missisquoi this evening, I looked at that old river and it hit me: THIS is my “Home”. THIS is where I actually belong now. I have no ties to any other place. I have the people of Richford who consider me part of the town. I got to Mayhew’s and heard a voice from behind the deli counter and called “ABBY?” She popped her head up, recognised me and it was as Old Friends getting together! She asked “You’re not living here anymore? Is that good?” and of course I told her “OH HELL NO!” Then I told her about Bev, in Franklin, and the nasty comment she made about Richford. “What a slap in the face! Not just for Richford, but for YOU! I mean, you’re from Richford and she had the nerve to say that to YOU?” So, I am “Richford”. And THIS is my “Home”. And there’s no place else to go to. THIS is IT! And I’m quite happy about that. – Well, indeed, I took my sweet time getting back. It was odd on arrival: no car, no lights, locked doors, no notes. Good. One of these days I can simply walk out the door and… And it won’t make any difference at all. – Another thought I had as I biked along the route back: It won’t take long for all the flower beds and the area behind the barn to return to exactly the way they were when I got here. But, nobody can say that I simply sat around watching TV or fiddling with my lap-top. Nobody can say that I ate more than I put in. Nobody can say that I made a mess. Nobody can say that I made noise. I DO expect somebody will say I used a lot of hot water to shower. But even at that, I know that I didn’t because my showers have been quite on the “cool” side… intentionally. I like to think of them as “Richford showers”… we never had enough hot water for an entire shower so most of the time only a dripple was used… just enough to warm the water to where one could actually stay in it to wash. And so, that’s what I did here. OK, so I washed the clothes I worked in the yard in. Still, the entire day of working round the grounds, not eating more than a few tablespoons of food; the hot water to wash clothes is negligible… one should think. – So, and so, and so again. That was the day! – I have a lot of letters to write and post. I’ve taken this Journal off-line for a while. I just don’t want to be bothered thinking of who will be reading anything lately. And, since reading this does nothing for me, let folks find other entertainment. – 21.17 and my eyes are growing heavy. Bob and Lyle are busy cleaning the ferrets. Randy is busy “rounding-up the rubbish” for tomorrow morning’s pick-up. I must remember to get up and add my one bag (it’s been almost 2 weeks since the last one… HEY! Nobody can say I added rubbish). – Things I want to get to before crawling under the covers. And tonight, no shower before getting into bed! I wore the scrub top, a hooded sweat-shirt and the fleur de lis work shirt on the bike ride. The temperature was such that I was comfy and yet, didn’t strike a sweat at all! So, clean air clean me. And I can sleep comfy this way. –
Bad news: almost out of Midol (for my back… took 2 before leaving on the bike today), and almost out of aspirin as well. At the rate I keep “clearing” in the yard and taking the bike out? Painful days ahead. Ah… it’s time to put the old clunker to the junker. – 23.12 Exhausted. But playing about, tonight I put the back-ground, modified parchment, on. And, during the day I pondered the idea of taking the Journal down, making it “private”, pass-word protection… then decided: I don’t care anymore. Public it was. Public it is. I don’t care. Don’t like what’s on it? Tough shit. It never bothered anybody to speak their mind as to what they thought about me. Why the bloodyfuck should I care what others think about what I have to say? – I’m hungry… nothing to eat.
Thu.5.Sep: 10.34 Rosh haShanah. As of sun-down last night. Imagine? More of my “me” that I’ve lost. Slipping away… slipping away. – I woke at about 4.45 this morning to the sound of Randy’s Chica barking. (And again, just now, same shit.) The alarm sounded at 6.00. I turned it off. My knees were too sore to get up and out of the bed. 71km yesterday was a bit much, after the 158km ride and the yard work. It goes un-noticed. I don’t give a shit. – It’s quite chilly this morning. 18degrees. The night temperatures are dropping to the single-digits in the forecast. Cold is coming. Very cold. – The house is quiet, save the barking shit across the hall. I have to pee but won’t leave the room until I’m ready to head out to the out-of-doors… lest there be more barking disturbance. Trapped. – Hungry this morning. The sugar-shit yesterday really wasn’t a good idea. Come to think of it, pastries and candy all day? Sometimes I amaze me: eat nothing, physical work all day. It can be considered amazing, just how much and how far we can push our bodies before they finally collapse. I wish mine would do so sooner. – I’ll straighten this room. It needs it. Then head out to the back yard where there’s more work to be done. Why I’m doing it is anybody’s guess. – I wish I’d stopped at the market yesterday en route back here. Or, I’ll have to settle for the shit next door… including that |<|_||\|T, Beverly. Alas. – But the sky is almost clear and it's a bright, bright sun-shiney day. Blow me! – 22.28 I should be in bed by now but I'm quite happy about being thoroughly showered, even with the gel tonight, and wearing my NH sweats. It's chilly out there (and in this room) tonight! Ah… the cold is coming. – What a productive day too!
The old “herb garden” is coming along quite well. I can't even begin to think of how many bricks I dug up and stacked (and then re-stacked as a new little “wall” round the bed). ROOTS all through the damned thing as well. And I removed 3 young box alders as well! Sciatica is kicking in like all shit too! It started yesterday but I thought I could bike it out with the trip to Richford. Oh well… and then this morning I thought maybe the exercise in the yard would help? Oh well again. But, the work isn't finished, so tomorrow will be more of the same… although not as strenuous. Mostly a lot of dirt raking and clearing may weeds out of the freshly tilled soil. Indeed, it was quite the “job”. Lyle came to see it and was thrilled. Bob came after and said “If I'd known you were going to have to go through all that, I'd've just said to level it and forget it. But it looks fantastic.” Then he told me that they'd gone for the equity loan and that the banque will be coming by to look at the house. Says Bob, they come by, take a picture to see how maintained the place is. “All the work you did out front has been a great help in that.” says he. Well, of course Bob. That's what I do… I go someplace, work myself into a hole, health-wise, and when the work is done, I move along. (The herb garden will be the end of the “work” part. Nothing but light maintenance will be left after that.) But, it IS what I do and I've done it here. No resentment. No regrets. Besides, as I just said to Nancy in an e-mail: It's therapy, and it keeps me from going to certain places and beating the shit out of some people (as I would SO very much LOVE to do and would, absolutely, if I didn't have this yard work to do… But… my time is coming… soon… very, very soon). – Oh… it's not “Bev” next door in the market… its “Deb”. Either way, I will not forgive the disparaging remarks about Richford. I had to go in there today to get something to eat as I worked. I hadn't eaten anything since the “junk” yesterday so at about 15.45, when Bob and Lyle took off on errands, I trotted to the market. I had 5 hot dogs (from the package) as I sat out back in the sun-shine! SO, SO good to eat! (And SO much exactly like the Shelter days when I couldn't cook food so would take the food to the park or to Rockaway -Tribute Park- and sit and eat what should have been cooked… but from the package. I suppose it truly is as Silas said: I still live like I'm still Homeless… and, well, in my mind and Heart and Soul, I still am… and from the looks of it, always will be. But this time, not for much longer. – Anyway, at the market, half'n'half, corn flakes, PopTarts, bread for me and the birds, hot dogs and 2 bottles soda for the house (not for me). Deb was working. I said very little to her, instead of simply telling her what I think of her (it would do no good to say so anyway). Got the stuff up-stairs in the little “pantry” in the room and went directly back to working on the garden until Bob came out to say dinner was ready. A chicken-something-or-another… veggies, chicken, much liquid and some Bisquick things floating in it. I had A biscuit and about 4 tablespoons of the liquid. Not much. But… it's not “my” food and I'm being “invited” to dine with the guys. So… As I say, I ate, took Dixie out for a Frisbee for a while and when we came back in, the dishwasher was running and the pots were all in the sink… soaking, as the fellows like to leave them after cooking. I some-how felt “obligated” to see to it that they got washed, since I'd done the dinner dishes before (and over-heard Bob speaking on the phone one day, not too long ago: 'Randy likes to cook so he helps Lyle a lot in the kitchen with dinners, and J. likes to wash dishes.' There wasn't any mention of whether or not that was a “help”. But not long after that, Lyle, speaking with Bob about the oil and hot water mentioned that the oil was down “showers and dish-washing”, and I've never been quite certain if both of those weren't me. At any rate, I know I probably didn't have to wash the pots, but something in my gut said that it would be in my best interest to do so. So, I did so. THEN went right back to the garden… until it got too dark to see what I was doing. The work will be there in the morning… waiting for my return. – Forgive, but I just can't help but think, at times like this, of how I've gotten up, no matter what, and especially today with my back on the edge of a full-blown sciatica attack, and I've gone out, in sweltering heat, and today, even into the late evening when it was after sun-down, and I've worked, quite hard… toiled… on those projects that haven't been touched in years. And when I have some-where to go, I get on the bike, as with the 158km in very recent times, not asking for a lift or to use the car (or the gas?). And for all the hours of working and travel and such, the important issues in the house are “the 3 o'clock show” on TV. I'm not saying that heavy work should be done by either of them. No, indeed. But meal preparation as THE task du jour? Followed by “I stacked the dishwasher”? and back to the TV? I wonder.
– OH! This evening I happened to walk into the kitchen as Bob was looking for something in the fridge and complaining about “left-overs” being in there! COMPLAINING about left-overs? I've been thinking that he's been taking them to work for lunch! And, meanwhile, I've been working the grounds… hungry. No further comment. – To round-off the day… News from the PO is that they still haven't hired anybody for the office here in town. And tonight I got 2 e-mails: “Your application has been received and will be etc.” and immediately following “Please disregard… sent in error etc.” Fuckheads! They can't even get the e-mails I sent correct! Well, you know? This isn't the end of it. I have nothing… and I mean NOTHING to lose any more. EVERYBODY'S GOING DOWN WITH THIS ONE. But they'll have to come find my dead carcass to bring ME down any further. I'm not making it easy for any of them. – 22.49 time to get under the covers. I'll have to start the finishing work on the afghan SOON. Last night I thought: this will be the THIRD one I've made that I won't get to actually enjoy. – Oh… word from storage arrived today: Late fee. I'm about to lose ALL. End of month… will be… – I'm off to bed. – (Fri) I didn't get to add here: This after-noon, I had to go to the barn to get a hoe (working with ALL the “land and soil” tools on this project here) and on my return to the garden, a red-tail hawk swooped down from no-where, snatched a pigeon in mid-air! The hawk brought its prey to the ground in the back yard next door. A couple of flaps of the pigeon's wings and the battle was finished… the hawk took flight and was gone. It's only the 3rd time in my life-time that I've actually witnessed such a thing and all I could do was rest my chin on the handle of the hoe and look on. It's amazing. And so raw… Nature. Nothing more, nothing less. And to think that only about an hour before that, Lyle was talking with me as I sat on the ground beside the garden, and, as we spoke, a chipmunk appeared on the mounded earth. It looked about as if to say “What have you done here?!?” and then, even as Lyle and I spoke, the little creature scurried right over toward me, stopped not half a metre away from my hand, looked at me momentarily and scurried across the lawn and into a bit of over-growth. WELL! I've NEVER been THAT close to a chipmunk! Not EVER! it was, in its way, quite thrilling. And in retrospect I think: The peace of a chipmunk followed by what we perceive as the “brutality” of the hawk, in the same afternoon. On the first day of the “New Year”, under bright blue skies, brilliant sunshine, billowing white clouds. Quite the day. – Happy “New Year”.
Fri.6.Sep:
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So! THE GARDEN IS DONE! DAISY’S GARDEN IS DONE! AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM REALLY QUITE PROUD OF THIS! There was a LOT of WORK put into it: using hoe, spade, pitch-fork; pulling weeds, digging up trees, DIGGING the roots of weeds; digging up the bricks and even house shingles (asbestos yet). Turning the soil, weeding the soil, re-building the brick wall. THEN cleaning all round, hauling the weeds and such down back into the “wet-land” area. There was WORK in this! Sciatica kicking in. My swollen knee. Pain, sweat, toil. But WOOHOO SHIT DAY-YUM HAY-YUL and a WOPPING HUGE PORTION OF FUCK-THE-WORLD! Daisy? It’s been a HUGE PLEASURE being able to bring this back. Now, may it be that somebody actually puts it to the use intended. But then again, as I said to Randy when he came out to the yard and we got to talking: If I were to walk out of here and walk away today, before the first snow-fall of this year, that area will have already started to go back to what it looked like before I cleared it. But you know what? That’s the not issue, and that’s not important. What IS important is that Lyle THANKED ME! Said it hasn’t looked like that since well before his Mum died. He told me that I’m bringing the place back to the way it was in his child-hood. And he appreciates it, and he’s thanked me for it. Is there anything better than THAT? Not in MY world. (The property is being well-maintained of late. The guys are going for an equity loan on the house. The appearance of the place is important in this deal. I can only hope with “all” that my work helps make it possible for them.) – So! As I mentioned, while I was working on the garden, Randy brought the dogs out for a bit. But today was certainly something quite special: I was half the way down back when I saw Dixie and she saw me. Randy had her on the lead so she couldn’t run. But I motioned to Randy to release her and when he did…. SHE CAME CHARGING FOR ME! FULL-OUT, HEAD-LONG SPEED! Randy said she’d been up at the kitchen window most of the morning, looking out into the yard and crying. I don’t know if it’s the Frisbee-playing that’s got her liking me or… sometimes I just wonder if she “knows”. She’s a brilliant creature, with eyes that can see so much more than she’s probably given credit for. But even Bob says “I’d love to know what she thinks about, because she’s obviously thinking.” Well, what-ever the reason, we played like little idiots out there on the lawn. It was such great fun! And Randy kept saying “She loves you so much.” Me? I say: yet another cause for a ROWDY ROUND OF FUCK-THE-WORLD! To the United States Postal Service, I’m not worthy of employment. To bloody-fucking Diane Olsen and Days Inn I’m a fucking thief. I’m not worth the effort to arrange for a motor vehicle. My few things in storage (warm clothing and blankets mostly) will be gone in about 2 weeks, up for auction. In a couple of weeks the phone will be shut off. And there’ll be nothing left. But when it all comes drawn down to the bottom line basics? I’ve done some PRETTY FUCKING DAMNED WELL BLOODY AMAZING POSITIVE SHIT in my life-time! PRETTY FUCKING AMAZING SHIT! Hell! Moe and Ev got their seasons back in the lake-house, with the cozy fires in the fire-place in the house that Moe built. Oh… there’s more but who the fuck cares? Really. I just know what’s been done and that it’s been done and that’s all that matters. I’ve been good, done good, done VERY good by my Mum. And done damned-well very good by my “People”… tikkun olam? I’ve done my bit and I’ve done it very well, indeed. So? One more dose of FUCK-THE-WORLD!
That all said, dinner tonight was a delight: spaghetti and meatballs and indeedie-do I had my FILL! Yessiree, I did! And it was gooooood. And, at just about 17.45, Dixie came round the table, put her head on my knee… it was going for 18.00 and that’s the hour we go play Frisbee! She knows. And at 18.00 we did! Bob came out into the yard, went back to look at Daisy’s Garden and complimented me on the work. Hey! Doin’ alright. I’m not feelin’ too good m’self. Doin’ alright! – After, the other 3 went to the market for beer. It’s “Franklin Friday Night”. I showered and joined them on the front porch for a while. The night was rather chilly, but we stood out for a while, having out beers and talking. It’s become the ritual, and it’s become our “time to get to talk” night. During the week, we get to sit at table for dinner and chat, but because of things to be done, it’s mostly just the time it takes to eat and that’s it. “Franklin Friday Night” is the time to talk about all sorts of things-not-business. I had 2 beers m’self. And we watched the farmers driving about. It’s “harvest” time. Trucks full of corn, hay, and such, out on the roads, in the night, in the chilly night. This is the part of the “Reality” of this world that few actually know about and even fewer ever get to see. These guys are busting their backs long into the dark and cold nights, driving all sorts of dark roads, long, long hours. It’s amazing. It’s touching. It gets to heart and soul. It’s what keeps every person on this Earth going… and (well, gee, imagine this…) it goes with-out any recognition or thanks. Selfishness, really. I mentioned again tonight, how, when I was back in NYC, when I said I wanted to come back to VT, the common response was “WHY?” Fucktards shits, the lot of them. “Why? Because this is ‘The Land of Mis-fit Toys’, you shit-tard, selfish fux! This is where people literally bust bones and spirits to WORK, work hard, and take pride in accomplishments that go completely with-out any… ANY… gratitude at all! And who benefits? The rest… others. In so many ways, this is where I feel most comfortable, in a place where, even though we don’t know each-other, have never met and probably never will meet, each one of us, in his/her own way, works through much pain and discomforts and such, and we accomplish…something. No matter how grand or how small, we work and we accomplish. And when we’re done? Maybe somebody, MAYBE… SOMEbody MIGHT have a nice word to say about us having been here, on this Earth, in this World… but the probability is that… not. But you know? The mindlessness of others isn’t what matters. What does matter is that WE know that we’ve done good. WE can sleep at night, exhausted, but please… with SELF.” Why did I want to come back to the North Country? Because this is where I was brought into the World to be. To be in that truck, on that dark, empty road in the middle of no-where, just being happy, proud and satisfied knowing that I accomplished much good, and that some-where, some-body is rather happy too, because I did. – And Franklin Friday Night turned from chilly to cold. We wrapped-up earlier than usual. Bob and Lyle retired to the living-room together. Randy settled for a bit with them. I came up to the room to change into bed-time-sweats and socks. It was CHILLY tonight! Quite chilly, to-be-sure. Took out the afghan, started to type these notes but got too tired to continue. Crawled under the blankets, thought of the day’s accomplishments and gifts. Thought of no job, no income, no help… I wondered why so many others are offered “help” when, quite frankly, it’s not “help” they’re getting but “hand-outs”, and so many of them just sit and take; me? I’m looking for “help” and yet, even with all the “Oh! You’re such a wonderful person.” and “You have SO much talent.” and “When you die it’ll be a great loss because of all you do and can do.”… when it comes right down to the basics… the TRUTH comes shining brilliantly: Keep “doing”, the fuck off.
I opened put out the light on the corner table, put on the light over the bed; got under the blankets, opened the book, read until my eyes wouldn’t look at anything more, read until I forgot the things that hurt me most. Click. Darkness. Sleep.
Sat.7.Sep: 7.48 NOT feeling at all well this morning. Stomach’s bad. Woke this morning at 4.20 in a terrible sweat! And that was after having to get the un-finished afghan out… it was that chilly last night. But the temperatures are expected to rise again and today is Saturday and there’s a bit of work to be done on the front yard now that Daisy’s garden is done. A bit of mowing, a bit of weeding and such. And tomorrow? A bike ride into Richford.- I’m tired. Really tired. –
8.56 Yesterday’s done. Yesterday’s done. My stomach won’t stop churning! I don’t know if I’m supposed to shit my guts clean or pass the gas away. Oh well. Almost 9.00 and almost time to put the dirty yard-clothes back on and head out to the front yard to clean and tidy. It’s another day… just another day. A bit warmer with much to do… before… – 9.51 Just finishing the up-dates, including the “history” of Daisy’s Garden! Temperature? 16!!! (Rain in the forecast! I have to get my arse out of here and on with the work!) Still feeling terrible this morning. Stomach churning, knees swollen, back quite sore. But, ’tis another day and, having looked at the chronology of the Garden, I simply MUST just add before heading on to the out-of-doors: FUCK YOU WORLD! ALL TOO SIMPLY JUST FUCK YOU WITH A SPIKE-COVERED, WHITE-HOT STEEL SHAFT! I won’t even invite you to eat my shit because you’re just not worthy of such privilege. – 21.44 Really quite tired. Soft rain falling. Showered. – And it seems it’s become a day of some interest. Chronologically, the following: I was out the door this morning and at the yard-work by about 10.30 or so. First thing on the agenda? The flower-bed along the front of the house. I’d cut the back even along the length to make it tidier and what I thought would make mowing the lawn easier. So off to the barn, out came the mower and the weeding tools and the work began. The lawn got mowed and trimmed (I have to get at the very edges by hand, by plucking at the grass as the mower won’t get to that part and I don’t have the hand shears to clip). Next came the weeding. Once over to pluck the weeds and to pull the “Johnny Jump-ups” or “violets” that I’d left through the season just to add some “green” in the blank areas. They’d have to go sooner or later and, well, may as well go today. Second pass with the little claw to loosen the soil and get at the remaining weeds. 
Third pass to clean the remnants and to level the soil, make it look neater. – John came by today, briefly, and noticed how clean the front of the house looks. It was nice to hear. – While he visited in the kitchen over cheese and crackers and such, I continued in the yard. This time, 3 of the 4 box alders came down.
The large one got cut with an old, dull hand saw, then the stump got “split” with an old rusted axe. Into the splits, I poured some motor oil I found in the barn. I doubt that’ll kill it off, but I try with what I have. The trees were quite large and were something of an effort to haul back to the pile of weeds and such down back. But… they got hauled and are now… gone. The back of the barn is amazingly clear! – Oh, there was an elm growing in the flower-bed out front. It had to come up because folks is worried that the roots will eventually ruin the sidewalk. So… that got dug up and transplanted to the corner where the box alder used to be behind the barn. The soil back there seldom goes completely dry and there isn’t any direct sun-light until late afternoon. I thought it best to move the tree there immediately, to give it a chance to “re-take”. If it does, it’ll be a delight back there. If not? So be it. – THEN!!! As I was lugging the trees along the back yard, I spied a black Persian cat laying very still and low on the lawn. I walked off the direct route to the weed pile so as not to disturb her but, at one point, she simply bolted for the under-brush and was gone. I brought the trees back, dumped them and on the way back toward the barn, I walked over the where the cat was. THERE, NESTLED IN THE GRASS, WAS A TINY, NEW-BORN KITTEN! IT WAS STRUGGLING TO BREATHE! I left it alone, thinking the mother would return for it, and went on with my yard-work. But I made a stop in the house to ask if anybody knew of the Persian, and I told them of the kitten. Now, my very first reaction was to wait for the mother to return for her baby. But, as time went on and she didn’t return, my instinct told me to simply crush the kitten’s head and put it out of any misery it might be suffering. Well, that didn’t happen because, shortly after I returned to the yard work behind the barn, Bob came over to ask where the kitten was. I showed him… and he picked it up and brought it into the house! I told him that I doubted the poor thing would survive in any event, and I told him of my reactions and instincts. He seemed rather taken a-back by my instinctual reaction. Well, bottom line of this saga: Lyle made a call to someone who told him that the kitten’s chances of survival are “miraculous” at best. Then he went on-line and found a recipe for some kind of “formula” to feed the little one. Of course, 2 of the ingredients aren’t in the house: yoghurt and gelatin. And, of course, the market next door doesn’t carry such “gourmet” items (fucktards). But Lyle made best with what was in the house. Bob made one un-nerving comment “Now you have a cat.” says he to me. Right-o that. I didn’t want to bring the cat into the house. Matter of fact, I’d’ve given anything to change places with it. And I told it as much. I feel resentful, that this little bit of Life should have to suffer and most likely die over night. I truly would change places with it. If it survives, it will be loved and cherished. Me? Not likely. So? So… – Dinner tonight: salad (on which I filled up), chicken wings cooked in some kind of “broth” mixture and not too bad (I had 6) and home-made crisps with cheese and… bacon bits. Aside from the salad, I ate just to “participate” in the meal-time. (After, I did come to the room and have some corn flakes.) – Got a text from Nancy asking to chat. But I was in the middle of the yard-work and had to finish before the rains came. I also got an e-mail this evening. She said she’d read this Journal. And my reply was that I’m being quite candid of late and generally don’t give a shit about much of anything at all. True, that. I don’t give a shit any more. I just don’t. – I trimmed-off round the South flower-bed in the back yard and called it all quits for the day. – This evening, I posted a has-tag to Twitter asking for advice on the kitten. That was several hours ago… no replies. I didn’t expect any anyway. –
Oh, the photo of the chipmunk? As I worked behind the barn this evening, this little one came out from under the barn and we just sat there, staring at each-other. They’re so cute! And these here are so ballsy! This one actually sat long enough for me to take a picture! Of course, the picture is shit… done from my mobile phone… shit. But it was a bit of cute for the day out in the yard. – Dixie got to play Frisbee twice today! I can’t go anywhere in the house with-out her going to the back door and waiting for me. Cute, indeed. – Other-wise, I’m sure there’s more and I’m just forgetting it. But… – No sitting out on the front porch tonight. And I’d brought 2 benched from the barn for seating. Yeah, right, oh well. – Now? I’m tired and, weather permitting, I have a bike trip to Richford tomorrow. I’m in a LOT of pain tonight, but Richford tomorrow! – In closing: The size of the garden in the back is approx 23x7ft. I had to chuckle and then get pissed to think, my flat in 14th St., NYC? 22×7 and I paid 1500$/month in rent! Just shoot me now… please. –
22.21 I’m falling asleep and forgetting what I was typing. The #FranklyFeline hash-tag on Twitter is getting NO replies. Typical. – Ah well… wrap this day up and put it on the curb for the trash-men. Done.
Sun.8.Sep: 7.48 NOT ONE! NOT ONE FUCKING REPLY TO MY TWITTER REQUEST FOR INFORMATION ON HOW BEST TO CARE FOR THE KITTEN!!!!! NOT ONE FUCKING LAZY CUNT OR PRICK COULD TYPE ANYTHING AT ALL! NOT ONE! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! OK? BULLSHIT! THE ENTIRE LOT OF THEM! PLAIN, SIMPLE BULLSHIT! 4-FUCKING-HUNDRED AND NINETY-FUCKING-SEVEN FUCK-ALL FUCKTARDS. MISERABLE BLOODY SHITS! You know what? I don’t NEED and I don’t WANT ANY more disappointments. – Had a dream last night (or maybe it was this morning): I’d moved out of the place that I’d been living in, and attended some sort of concert or something. Mostly of young kids. What-ever the event, that’s not clear now. But I was with someone I knew (female) some-how, who knew the guy who’d moved into the flat and I got an invite to go to the place. So, we did. Generally, it was raining through the whole dream, and rather dark, like night. When we got to the house (the flat was up-stairs in the house), the house was in rather disarray and we had to climb some old stairs to get to the flat. The place was, with the exception of new furniture in the bed-room which I only glanced at as we entered, as I’d left it. Things (furniture &c) were simply tossed all about, I’d moved-out under duress and didn’t have time to clean or tidy. This guy just left my things about and threw his stuff on top of it. But there was something about a small bird that had lived at the place and was in bad condition. I asked after it and was told “It’s fine! In fact, you can see that it’s been around the place (there were little foot-prints on something… I’m not sure what, something like sand) and it’s even grown to be brown already!” (The colour change from black to brown was understood in the dream to mean that the bird had grown and matured.) Then I asked after the 2 dogs who were there, in the house (Dixie and Ellie) and there they were, in the next room! I called for Dixie and as she got up to come to me, the guy looked at her, she stopped. He said “I don’t think it’s a good idea that they should get to think you’re back.” Then we got up, walked around the place and I asked about a puppy that they were nursing and a girl (Jeannine!) came by with a board of some kind in her arms and on it was the little puppy, sleeping there comfortably. So, the bird and all the animals were in good health and well-taken-care-of. I woke. – 8.07 The skies are clear. The sun is shining. The breeze is quite chilly this morning. Météo says 10 degrees, max. 14 with 30% chance of any rain. Over-all, a good day for a trip to Richford on the bike. The yard-work is caught-up for the most part. Nothing much that NEEDS to be done this morning. So, I figure, if I’m out by 10.00 I’ll be in town by 14.00. Leave by 15.00 and be back at the house here by 19.00. Well! There goes THIS day! Eh? – It’s interesting: The temperature in the rest of the house is rather on the comfy-warm side yet, come into this room (I’m just back from the loo) and it’s 
“SWEAT-SHIRT AND HOOD UP”. There’s a warm day and a mountain-top in the near future. – Well, 8.23 and I should be getting me together. Lyle is awake and up and about already (or, he slept on the sofa to nurse the kitten over-night… not sure which but will find out shortly). I’d wanted to make a quick, light wash this morning, but that’s not happening. But I’m out to see what the temperatures and weather are like from first person and then? Check the bikes and ON THE ROAD TO RICHFORD! ROAD TRIP! – Note: for some reason my hands are all swollen this morning.How odd. – 9.11 Just in from a smoke and a check of yesterday’s work (and the back “herb garden”). It must have poured last night! But all’s well with the yard-work.
It’s COLD out there! Indeed, it’s cold in this room. But there’s a North wind coming in and the sky’s gone cloudy. And the damp chill to the air, well… The forecast is for clear skies. I don’t know… maybe I should think in terms of coming down into Richford via St.Armand/Frelighsburg? That’ll take a considerable length of time and a climb up le Pinacle, if so. Well. We shall see. The latest I can leave from here is noon, which would bring me back to the house at 20.00 tonight. More biking in the dark. But, what has to be done has to be done. And it won’t be for much longer. – Lyle is snoozing on the sofa, Bob is some-where down-stairs. I manage to make it out the back door, round the house and back in… undetected. Randy is just waking. The house is quiet. Dixie and Ellie greeted me at the back door when I came in. Dixie, of course, is expecting to go out-side to play. (And my bowels are now kicking me about for the second time this morning. It’s going to be an interesting day… so it would seem. Much of this is probably due to too much thinking. I need to put that in check today.) – 24.11 Thinking got checked, indeed! Bob and I were out in the back-yard, looking about and talking, I told him that I was planning a trip to Richford. When we got back in the house, he offered the key to the car. When I declined he said: But it’s going to rain. I assured him, it’s only water. And thankfully, the matter got dropped.
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At about 12.45/13.00 I was out in the barn, on the bike and AWAY! 3 layers today: sweat-shirt, hooded sweat-shirt and chambray. It was CHILLY! And for some reason, today’s biking trip was REALLY difficult. My knees are SO swollen and sore, and today I actually had to walk quite a bit. There was no battling even the slightest inclines, going and returning. Just couldn’t do it. Well hell, think about it: not on a bike in how many years and right away we’re pulling 60, 70, 158km trips? Not to mention diet and nutrition (candy bars, PopTarts and that sort of shit). Oh well. Fuck me anyway, I made the trip and… all said, done and told? It was SO worth the pain and effort! In spite of the chill in the air, the pain in the knees, the weather held ever so perfectly for a bike trip. And for some reason, today? No music on the trip to Richford! I just wanted to enjoy the surroundings. – Arrived in Richford at about 16.00 to a little town that never fails to pull a heart-string. No, it’s not “cutsey”, “quaint”, neat and tidy and all that. It isn’t exactly the first town you’d want on your “Touristy” calendar. But it IS “Home” to me and I DO miss it… and, at the store? BRENDA! YAY! Not in the best of moods, but then, that’s the way it goes. Yet, we talked and I got her to laugh a couple of times, she got me to laugh a couple of times. – Today, with my smokes, I actually got a small container of pasta salad (HUNGRY!) to go with my “junk food” energy boost for the trip back. That “Scratch-off Lottery” woman was there today, tossing her cash at the counter, bitching about just about everything including when she didn’t win. When Brenda saw all the “junk” food and commented, the “Lottery Lady” snapped at me “You burn-out faster if you only eat junk.” to which I equally replied “That’s MY business now; isn’t it?” and she backed off. Brenda just looked at me as if to say “YOU? YOU snapped at her?” Well folks… even as I said to Brenda, I’m in no mood to be nice anymore. As Brenda said “That’s why old folks get crotchety: they’ve heard it all and they’re just fed up.” Yup, so it is. – It was such a delight to be at “Home” for a while again. – Well, as much as I hated to, the time came to depart and head back to Franklin and at about 16.30 I was back on the trail… Brenda gave me a small container of “honey-walnut” cream cheese that the distributor had given her. I accepted… extra calories! And, at the first bench on the Trail, I stopped to eat my pasta salad and some of the cream cheese, and to give my knees a rest (even just that little bit of pedalling bothered me terribly today), and off down the Trail again, and this time, music:
Tallis Scholars. Antoine Brumel: “missa et ecce terrae motus” folowed by Chanticleer: “Calling My Children Home”. Quite the delight considering mood and mentality of late. – The ride back was slow, in different respects. I averaged only about 10km/h because that’s all my legs would give me. And I HAD to stop along the way for a rest, because that’s what my knees demanded. And the sun was setting much earlier than it has been. But you know? I truly didn’t give a shit. Which is, for the most part, my attitude in general… I don’t give a shit. Fuck the world, fuck the people, fuck their attitudes, fuck their impressions, fuck what they think-say-see-feel, just fuck them and it all. The sun would set no matter what, no matter where I was or what I was doing and so it was doing just that and? Fuck it all. I was taking my time, at my pace and it was peaceful. And if I had to take a break? So be it! –
The Missisquoi was exceptional this evening! The mountains were just breath-takingly beautiful in the sun-set colours. There’s the slightest “blush” on the trees at the higher elevations… the changing of colours is beginning. The Autumn is coming, Winter to follow. Cold weather and me? I don’t give a shit. But it’s not going to happen. But the scenery was MAGNIFICENT! As I thought: When I was back in NYC and said that I wanted to come back to The North Country, I was asked “WHY?” Well? You shit-arse-fuckall-brain-dead-after-births? THIS is “WHY!” Because *I* like it here! NOT because YOU don’t like it, can’t stand it, couldn’t live in it. AND… because YOU aren’t HERE! You lying fucktard fuckall piles of lying, selfish, self-centered, apathetic, brain-dead, after-birth, botched abortions. YOU are NOT here! THIS is “WHY”.It’s peaceful, beautiful, yes, cold at times and difficult. But even though there are those stray bits of “stuff” (people) who soil the land-scape from time-to-time, for the most part? There might be bits of “trash” but the only real “shit” we have is what’s put into the fields to grow the crops. Yes, there’s Diane Olsen, THE SHIT BITCH QUEEN of Breech Abortions. But even THAT isn’t HERE! HERE is Richford, Berkshire… rolling hills, golden sun-sets, the Missisquoi… and even MORE? HOME… just beyond the hills!!! No lies. No bullshit. No back-stabbing. Peace….. and ultimately? Peace………….. – OK! So much for that. It doesn’t make any sense to even think about it. It’s done. It will never be UN-done. – I pulled into the drive and up to the barn at about 20.30. The back-yard light was on! How warm and welcoming, as the sun had long gone from the sky. When I got into the house, Lyle was just making “corn dogs” for dinner. He and Randy had seen an advert for same and decided to make them for dinner. Come to find out, they’d all just awakened from a nap! So dinner would have been late anyway. Me? I’d sent a text message to Bob this afternoon when I was just approaching Enosburg, to tell him that I’d forgotten the house keys and that I’d be back between 21-22.00. I thought the light was left on for me because of that. Bob never bothered to take the text message. And, had they all known that I wasn’t in, how many corn-dogs would have been made? Not that it makes any difference to me anyway since I try to miss the dinner hour anyway. Still… the corn-dogs were most welcome and I did eat “food” tonight. – After dinner, I watched Bob feed the kitten! OH MY! The little thing is actually VERY MUCH ALIVE! Squirming and licking the “formula”. Little claws extending and retracting. Precious little thing. I’m so rather afraid that it won’t survive and so, I can’t get ANY emotional attachment to it at all. I hope the little fellow knows why I’m keeping my distance… I can’t afford any emotional attachments now. Now, is time to think about what I must do by mid-month… and that’s not inclusive of anything around here. I’m quite relieved though… this little bit of black has a good home now. I needn’t worry about the future. – I checked to see how many replies I got from those self-proclaimed “animal lovers” who follow me on Twitter? Bloody-fuckinig useless lying pieces of after-birth! Not ONE reply! As a matter of fact, the ONLY support I got at all came from Nancy! Dear Nancy! And, although I am so appreciative of her response, I will say that I will never get over the plain and simple fact that I had to get base, quite nasty and rather vulgar before my little request was even acknowledged!!!!! I mean, c’mon! Fuck-it-all! For others, all it takes is a simple note of “Gee, I could really use a little help here.” and people and shit fall from places we didn’t even now existed! Me? I even had to CLARIFY that I was NOT asking for “financial” anything! And STILL fuckall! Why is that? I wonder. But, this is the month, and for me, chronologically, this is the year… I am NOT grateful! Shove your heads into a pile of nice, fresh, fly-infested shit! Eat your way out and live with the results. Fuck you! I’ve done it for just about every second of just about 58 years! Live like I’ve “lived” now. Fuck… it… all!
Mon.9.Sep: 9.41 Slept until 8.30! Knees a bit better. Just catching up with yesterday and still riding on the Joy. But there’s some work to be done round here and I took the day for “me” yesterday and today? It’s back to the house at hand. – Last “single-digit” date of the month. I want to vomit! Even though Bob insists that I not even think about it, I think about nothing else but: I will NOT stay here and not pay my way. The days count down. – Off to the gardens! – 20.53 YES indeed! The gardens. Well, not so much the gardens today. Today the lumber that was stacked against the back of the house got moved to the back of the barn, which meant the old, rotting wood that was against the back of the barn had to be moved. Well, that old “rotting” wood turned out to be fence posts! Several many of them. They got pulled up, dug up and leaned up against the barn next door. The earth under them and along the back of the barn got cleaned of all sorts of debris and the lumber all got moved and re-stacked. It was a slow process today, unfortunately. I just don’t have the stamina any longer it seems. I’m really slowing down! And I don’t much like it. But, tenacity ruled and the “job” got done… almost. The fence posts are still leaning against the barn and will have to be put some-where… tomorrow perhaps. Wednesday’s forecast is for Heat Index of over 30 degrees! I’m thinking I’ll clean out between the 2 barns and move some stuff into that space, out of the way. Anyway, just as I was thinking that the day’s work was done it was 15.30 and Bob had come home from work. Sooo…. I decided that, instead of going into the house or simply sitting in the yard, I’d finish weeding along the chain-link fence back by the “herb garden”. As I was doing so, Bob came to ask for a hand. He’d brought home a HUGE tractor tyre, with the rim! He wants to use the rim as a “fire pit”, something to put into the ground in the yard to build a little fire in. Why? I don’t know, but he’s been talking about it for a while and today he got his tyre rim. We had such a time getting the tyre off the rim! But I must say, the work felt rather good. I joked about putting the tyre on a rope on a limb of one of the oaks in the back, then getting a truck and putting it up on blocks. Truth is: I was only half kidding. I’m truly feeling quite “Red-neck” these days. And it’s a good feeling. – Again, tonight, Lyle and Bob told me how much they appreciate the work I’ve done round the house. It’s ever so good to hear. Sadly enough, it doesn’t make my situation any easier for me to handle. At the end of this month, I’ll have nothing in storage because that rent won’t have been paid and it’ll all be gone. I won’t have phone service because that bill won’t get paid. I won’t be able to pay October’s rent here. But, before that all happens, I’ll see to it that it won’t make any difference. Oddly, I thought of how much I’ve done round here, and how much Joy my labours have brought. And, the hardest work is just about done. It’s time for me to move along and go. It’s what my Life’s been about: I remember talking about it with Rabbi Lewis… and then with Moe and Ev. Some-how I get to be where people actually need some help and support. I’m there to do all that I can, most of the time, my efforts have been appreciated and more often, they’ve been successful. When all the help and support have been successful, comes the time when I have to move on. Even in NYC with vanZini, being on the verge of being tossed from his home and I took my own time off and went to the court-house to get his papers, took the time to get him to the services he needed. When it came down to the moment where it would all pan out and end, it was time for me to leave. The hardest ground-work was done. And here, I came along when the guys here needed the income, at a time when they wanted to do so much with the place. At a time when they decided to go for the equity loan and needed the house/grounds to be in order. Well. As I say, the most difficult work is done. There’s just the smallest amount of “detail” work to finish. That should be done in a couple more days. Then? My “sojourn” here is complete. The gardens are all back to where they should have been. The front yard is quite groomed. Even in this room, I’ve kept it clean so that whom-ever takes it after me will be able to simply move right in (unlike when I got here and HAD to Hoover and take out the nasty snot tissues and animal hair and what-not that was left for me by Val and Carley). Yuppers. The place will be just spiffy-grand. Time to get out. – So, as for the fire-pit, Bob and I worked on getting the tyre off the rim. Then I got to bring the rim into the back-yard where he wanted it. Heavy shit, those rims! But it’s back in the yard. And, as I finished weeded along the chain-link, I also pounded some pipes along it to brace it up. The weeds and such from next-door are pulling it down. It’s “up” now, and weeded. Then, since there was more “day-light”, I cleared round the stump (that’s now a “table”) in the back-yard, and moved on to the lilac bush back there that hasn’t been weeded nor attended in years. That now, is clean. By the time I’d finished, Lyle came out to tall me that dinner was ready. So, that drew the day to a close. – Dinner was fried mashed potatoes and chicken patties. I had 3 patties and 2 helpings of potatoes. I ate tonight. – Played nightly Frisbee with Dixie. She’s amazing! She KNOWS when 18.00 comes round and she comes to me, paws on my knee and then goes to the door to wait. She’ll miss me I fear. – Watched a bit of TV tonight in the living-room and when Bob and Lyle went into St. Albans, I took a delightful shower… AND SHAVED!!! THAT’S become something of an event of late. I don’t bother with such things any longer. And if I don’t “must”, tooth-brushing isn’t a “priority” either. Well, considering that I wake up in the morning, have my coffee, pee, shit and run for the door and begin working. But tonight, when I went in for my shower, shaving got done! My neck feels so much better, AND, this is the season when I usually let the beard grow in a bit thicker anyway. So the timing is good. (Next, I’ll have to do something about getting rid of these finger nails.) – Have gone to the front to have my last smoke of the evening. Somebody’s burning wood. The night’s are getting chilled now and wood-burning is coming into season. May there be good weather coming for my departing. – OH! Tonight Randy fed the kitten. The little thing is doing EVER SO WELL!!! To think that I’d had it figured for 3 breaths from death and here it is, moving about, eating and even making noises when it’s hungry! See? I CAN leave now… my little replacement is already situated. I’m rather amazed, I must say, that the little one has managed to survive this long. May s/he bring Peace and Joy to this house-hold. Bob and Lyle both admitted that they’re not parting with it, no matter what. I’m glad. You see? A kitten gets dropped in the yard and the impulse is to feed, shelter, protect. Not so when it comes to people. The world will always be the same.
Quick addendum: Today, as I worked in the yard, I thought of the Diane Olsen shit… SHE accused me of a felony, the State of VT lessened the charge THEN found neither the original charge nor the lesser charge to even warrant a decision or judgment. The matter didn’t deserve a hearing or a trial. It was completely dropped. HOWEVER… the United States Postal Service assigns itself as Court, Judge, Jury et al and THEY hold me GUILTY!!! SO… I have no job and won’t get the job I’m not only qualified for but would actually enjoy! I’ll lose what little I have to my name in life, lose the place where I’m residing rather comfortably… but that doesn’t matter. Meanwhile, Olsen is skipping through life and the world completely faultless and blameless. But that’s OK. I should “Don’t worry…” and “Be happy”. Oh yeah. Well? I’m NEITHER! FUCK YOU!
A delightful way to close a day just before trying for sleep.
Tue.10.Sep: 20.36
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That “Ulnar” nerve damage from this Winter is back in full swing. Ring and pinky fingers are really quite numb on the left hand. But now, the right hand is going dead as well. Oh me. Hands and knees. The nail on the great toe on the left foot is still BLACK! The nail doesn’t look as if it’ll fall off but it just looks rather disgusting. That happened on 1 July! 2 months ago and no improvement. I’ll die and that’ll be my “Identifying mark”. Oh well… don’t give a shit. Fuck the World. (I should like that to be my epitaph: FUCK YOU ALL! FUCK THE ENTIRE WORLD!) – 22.20 Thunder and rain. – 23.44 Just finished the up-dates, including a few more images. It’s gotten comfortably cool at last. I’m in les tchoucrotche boxers and that’s all and it’s actually comfortable. There will be more of these days to come… and on time. – Just finished eating a paquette of un-cooked Ramen noodles (SB got me into that) and now? Time to shove THIS days with all the rest… right down the shitter… and to bid it all a fond: Fuck You!
Wed.11.Sep: 00.10 No Internet. I’d just caught-up the on-line Journal, went to check Twtr and post for “Suicide Awareness Day” (imagine that shit! “awareness” my bloody fucking bum hole! you wanna-be fucktarded shits) and lookie dat! No Internet… just at mid-night. OK. I’ll wait and see. – Cool night though. – 20.57 It has been an all-but-INCREDIBLE day! SO HOT! SO HUMID! 
The temperatures actually DID top the 30-degree mark and the Heat Index DID top the 40-degree mark! Clear skies for most of the day, with NO relief! I washed my work-clothes and put them on the line to dry. In just under an hour, EVERYTHING was dry enough to wear! I got the notion to work IN the barn… but because of last night’s rain and today’s heat, even the INSIDE of the barn was warm and HUMID! TOO humid to even lift a few boards. I gave that idea up, put on my shorts and sat on the swing, started a garden sign. But that too became too much. Couldn’t go in the room… SO HOT! The fan did no good at all. Lyle had the air conditioner on in the living-room so I sat with him for a while. We watched a VT Public TV special that he’d recorded on the history of the Lithuanian Jews in Burlington. It was impressive, and saddening. To think I gave up my Traditions to come to this State because I feared prejudice. But today I find, there WAS a viable Jewish population here… until just after WWII. Since then, it’s been so fractured and splintered that, for all intents and purposes, there are Jews, but they’re Goyim now. Little-to-no connections to anything at all. They “assimilated” and died. (There is the most impressive lightning flashing in the night sky now! How I wish I was in a plane above it. It must be EXTRAORDINARY from above! And the rain is pouring as if being FORCED out of the skies! The temperatures are dropping, at long last. But what a rather violent way to return to “September” weather. Still, it’s calming in its beauty.) There’s a mural in what used to be a synagogue, but has since been turned into an apartment in the Old North End. Jewish, of course. When Lyle saw it he said “I’d like to get a copy of that.” Meanwhile, foods prepared in the house mostly consist of pork, pork products. No, I don’t expect a separate meal to be prepared for me, but for someone who claimed “utmost respect” for Jews… I don’t see it as something “against” him, I just see it as the epitome of “Christianity” and “Christians” as a whole. They don’t “think”… they’re forbidden from doing so and, like little children with blank-slate brains, they follow… they follow the ignorance of what they are force-fed to believe and, like all brain-washed fools, they follow for the rest of their lives. I compare Christians to the “EST” people, the “Moonies”, and all the other “cultists”… they NEED to follow, and are incapable of leading, or independent thought. Sad, really. Just nothing happening between the ears, and nothing there to create anything. They’re told, they hear, they believe and they hold stead-fast, never having a thought of their own, and never listening to anything that contradicts anything they’re told by those they hold in any esteem. They’re extremely uncomfortable and will become violent when brought to a point where they might question anything they’ve been told is “Fact”. I often wonder what their “Saviour” actually would say to them today, and what he would think of his “followers” of today’s “Christianity”. Their “Jesus” was a “Free thinker”, just as his People encouraged him to be. But his followers have become nothing more than mindless sheep. Even the earth-worms I uncover as I garden have better sense. A shame, really. “Christians”… none of them are ever to be trusted. They’ll rationalise their way out of anything, even xenophobia. Frightening. But just more encouragement for me and my resolve to get the fuck out of this bull-shit World. Nothing “good” will come of this. Nothing. – Off of that tangent… – The RAINS came this evening, round about 19.00 and when they hit, they HIT HARD! It’s been on-and-off ever since. And each time the rains come, they POUR HEAVILY! Thunder. Lightning. Almost Apocalyptic tonight. I keep thinking that I was so frightened of being in NYC for the hot weather… actually “frightened”. I bolted for The North Country, only to find it here as well. There is something quite “wrong” with this sort of weather pattern. Something “quite” wrong. But, as I type, not connected to the Internet or the power supply of the house, it is getting cooler, and for that, I’m thankful. – There is a rumour that it will rain through the week-end. Tomorrow I MUST get back into Richford. And that will be a minimum of 8 hours out in the open. There are no places to take shelter along the Rail Trail. Nor are there places to take shelter if I were to take le Pinacle. Just open, open spaces. I can only hope for a reprieve during the day… until I get there and back. – I’ll get mail only until the end of this month. I’ll have my things from storage only until the end of this month. I’ll have my phone service only until the end of this month. I’ll have a place of shelter only until the end of this month. And the days? They pass quickly now. – Today I began working on the little sign for Daisy’s garden. It’s difficult for some reason. But I’m determined to get it done. In the little time I have left here, I’m determined to get the back of the barn cleaned enough for Bob to move his tools and such back there. There’s a bit of weeding to be maintained in Daisy’s garden and a bit more maintenance in the other flower-beds. There’s a post to be put in in the back-yard. When these chores are done, I can move out and move on with a light heart and clear conscience. That’s all I want to do. As for what-ever I leave behind here: it can all be tossed… even the water-colours. There’s more art in storage. The afghan here won’t be finished but it’s big enough to end-off and use as a blanket anyway. The guys can use it for the coming Winter. It’ll keep them warm. (I wonder who is being kept warm with the other 2… particularly the one that I adored so much, that I could wrap me in completely and be SO warm against even the bitterest of cold. I’ll never know. It doesn’t much matter now anyway.) – I still should “write” those letters, to my siblings, to people in general. I think this journal is sufficient for the “people in general”. What’s here should be enough to let people know what I think of them, what “help” they gave, what “help” they might have given and what “help” I never got. I hope they’ll all be proud of themselves. Right now, at present, I’m just happy to be able to simply put my Heart into words, un-minced, un-censored. It’s a relief not to give a shit-fuck any more. It’s really quite a delight. I don’t go out of my way to offend any-one, but I sure-as-shit don’t make any effort to pamper or protect any-one’s feelings. SHIT! NObody’s bothered to do that for me over the course of MY “life-time”. Patronise? Oh yes. There’s been MUCH of that. But precious little sincerity. Oh well, what the fuck? As I thought just yesterday as I worked about the yard: None of what I’ve done here will be maintained when I’ve left… and, even as B.Smith said: Contrary to popular claims, there IS a bit of real “altruism”… and I experience it regularly in that I do for SO many others and even the little joy I might get out of the doing it destroyed some-how… and others see to it that it comes to that. But as Ayn Rand said: Altruism destroys the Altruist. She was SO right! – Well, more time has passed and still not even so much as an acknowledgement of my e-mail to the PMG. That “job” is now completely done-away. There won’t be any jobs like that coming along. So there’s no “hope” for any sort of remedy to this situation. 2 BDM’s sit beside the bed and my “affairs” are being settled as each moment of a day passes. It’s a relief, really. I’m very tired… SO VERY TIRED of all this bull-shit. And the season is perfect: a blanket of Autumn leaves, a “comforter” of Winter snow. HOME. I’ll be HOME for Christmas, you can count on me… Fuck your snow, and mistletoe and presents round the tree. – So many people I’ve met in my “life-time”… So many who have claimed to be SO grateful for all I’d done FOR THEM. They took… just took… I was there when THEY needed, I was there to give. They took. Now? My World is quite empty. Oh well. I’m not the first, and certainly not the last. (If anyone ever actually gets to read ALL of the “Journal”, I hope they learn and don’t make the same bull-shit mistakes. I’ve failed as I’ve lived; perhaps I can succeed after I’ve stopped.) I just wonder: WHY didn’t I get up on time to go to the Pine St. Post Office 12 years ago? It would have been SO much better!
Thu.12.Sep: 0.34 The thunder is still rolling, the lightning still flashing, the rain still pouring down. On and off, all night since early yesterday evening.
I have to be up by 6.00 to bring out the trash, but I’ve been on-line for some time, and eating frosting. SUGAR RUSH! I should sleep coma-like when I finally hit the pillows. – The garden sign looks like shit. I can’t seem to get even that right of late. – But the temperature has dropped to 20, the heat index is still about 30, but it feels a lot better than it did all day. – I HAVE to get to Richford today! There’s much rain in the forecast. This is going to be an interesting bike ride. Oh, but no many more to follow. – I wish my body would be as tired as my mind and spirit are. Oh well, just keep working it. With the dawn comes new opportunities. I’m fed-up. But at least I’m not depressed. Just completely apathetic. – 20.40 Not much to say about today. It rained. Then? It rained again. And then? It rained some more. I got quite a bit of work done on the garden sign. Too bad I don’t have white paint, but the shoe polish worked… for the time. I’ve no idea how to weather-proof it, but I’m really not concerned about it. The sign will be done as I said I would do. After that? What-ever. –
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Listened to the music for the iPod. There’s work to be done on that as well. – How odd: tomorrow, at sun-down, Yom Kippur. The one “day” I usually observe. This year? I don’t know. But this is also “Gay Pride” week and this week-end is the “fête” in Burlington. Poor Randy. He just told me that he usually attends, but this year, he’ll probably miss it because getting there would mean that Bob/Lyle would have to drive him down. And Bob was just telling, at dinner, that everything there is so outrageously expensive. A shame, really… for them. Me? I don’t give a jolly fuck one way or the other. I’m not “proud” of being Gay. I am and that’s all there is to it. No cause for “celebration”. No cause for any particular “pride”. Besides, if I were to “do” anything at all this week-end, I’d go to the synagogue. But that’s not happening. So? – The forecast for tomorrow is scattered showers. I’m hoping they’ll be “scattered” enough so that I can get to Richford and back on the bike. I NEED to get into town, and I NEED to do it tomorrow. – Ah, tonight I got an e-mail from Nancy. She works entirely too hard. Why do people not realise that the reality of it all is that, one day, all the trouble and toil will amount to absolutely nothing… and by “nothing”, I mean “nothing”. And I know that she’s sincere with her wishes for “better” and for a change for the better and such. But truly? I’d really rather not hear/read it. It’s not “her” in particular. It’s really not “her” at all. But I’m just at the end of all wits at this point. As I’ve said, if what has happened to me happened to somebody else, there’d be a rally of some sort, some people, some-where would get together to lend a hand, pitch in, do something to change this situation. But it’s not somebody else, it’s me. I was expected to protect and defend myself when my father tried to kill me, then tossed me out of the house. And ever day since, it’s been the very same: I’m expected to protect and defend myself. Well, for all these years, I pretty much did that. But not any more. I keep thinking of an e-mail from Silas:
28/09/2012 No, the truth of the matter is you’re 100% self sustained but 100% dependant on those around you, and instead of getting or offering credit you spread the responsibility and the blame when things don’t go your way, you also look at subtle queus and place blame and make enemies when a CONVERSATION would have been better. Paranoid suspicion over dead-on fact. I don’t hug people I plan to fuck over.
Woah! As I was looking for that e-mail, one came in from Nancy. I replied to her e-mail and, rather in passing said that although I understand her job’s tough, at least she has one. Well, leave it to the man with a head of shit instead of brains. Just as I was reading through all the misunderstandings with Silas, I can add this one to that. Kriste! The old man was SO right: I can’t say a damned thing that’s even close to anything remotely “right”. And so, the one person in the world who might have been the one person I could call “Friend”, I go and fuck over. Honestly? I needed this tonight. I’ve needed this for a while. A good swift kick in the face with a grand dose of “Reality”. What a totally useless shit. Really. Well, I made promises round here, and they’re almost all done. That’s good. Place looks tidy and clean on the out-side. There really isn’t anything I can do about the inside. That’s up to Lyle and Bob. But the yard-work is something they both wanted to get to and so? So, it’s done. The sign for the garden, a bit of maintenance on the yard, and since the rent is paid through this month, I have time to get to the back of the barn to clear space for Bob’s tools and such as he’s wanted but has no energy to get to. Then, I can walk away with a clear heart and conscience, knowing that I’ve left the place in good shape… as usual. – I’m tired. It’s 21.51 already and I’ve got an early morning ahead. Time to kick the shit off this day, bring it to a close and leave it where it is: today. Tomorrow it will be “yesterday” and there won’t be a fucking thing that can be done about any of this.
Fri.13.Sep: 8.15 Up and out of the bed at about 7. 2 smokes in the pack. 20 per-cent chance of showers all day. Rather chilly this morning. And a bike trip to town on the agenda at about 10 (which is when the forecast tells it should clear only just but a bit). I think I have a buck in the little bag that I bring with me on the bike. And some change in the back-pack. I could use some white paint for the garden sign, and there’s a Dollar General in Richford. Should all go well (right, sure), I could stop in there and see what they have. If I leave here AT 10, I can be there by 14.00, leave by 14.30 and be back at the house by 19.00. (Maybe I’ll get lucky and miss dinner too.) – Yom Kippur begins at sun-down tonight. I keep thinking that it’s a “fasting” day. But for me, “fasting” isn’t really anything much of anything. To go with-out food for a day, for me, is rather “normal”. So what’s the sense, really? Besides, as I think on it even more, why should *I* fast? It is a day of “At One-ment”. A day of reflection and a day of repentance. I repent each and every day… all day. On the bike, I’ll have time to do all of that, as I do each time I’m on the bike. But this year, perhaps, I should focus more on the “At one-ment” and make a very conscious effort at being a little less miserable on my-self. If I’ve transgressed, caused any-one any harm, it hasn’t been intentional. I really should try to be a little more “forgiving” of my-self… as the Rabbis suggest. Look seriously at the past year… look seriously at the coming time. I struggle and toil… alone. Yes, I admit that there are those for whom I DO, very much, with Heart and Soul, pray for retribution. Those who have caused me more misery than I’ve ever really documented or spoken of (if that can be imagined at all). But it’s not un-warranted, no matter how it’s looked at. So, maybe I just should get up off my own back for a while and simply be more “forgiving” of me. – All of this sounds very delightful. It won’t, of course, ever happen. – From last night until even now, I’m resigned to the fact that Silas hates me, for what-ever reason. I’ve been rather hoping to hear from him, but I can accept now, that that’s not going to happen. – Fran has proven QUITE the disappointment, pre-judging and reacting with hysteria and accusations. That’s really irreparable at this juncture. – There will be no “forgiveness” coming from either of them. – Those in NYC who have put me on their “Shit List”? Hey! I can’t see how I am at fault or to blame for the hard feelings from there. I went, on an invitation and some lofty promises. If all had been even slightly pleasant, I wouldn’t have left secretly and as soon as I did. It was more torture, to be tossed about like some rag doll. I need to clear that out of my conscience and Soul. – Much “Self” work to be done in the next 48 hours. – Other-wise, I need to get my shit together and prep for the road. I’ve no idea what I should wear. I suppose I’ll take the Trail again today. – Oh, and I need to just let go of that whole Postal job. I keep looking to see if there’s any sort of reply to my e-mail but, the fact is: There won’t be any. The only thing that remains to be done on that is simply selfish: A trip to Highgate and let that moron know that she’s dealt with old information and then to let THE Postal Service know that I resent the fact that the State of VT tossed ALL charges and such OUT with “no judgment” but that the USPS thinks SO highly of itself that IT can be judge and jury and condemn me… forever. THAT is something that WILL be tossed out of my conscience! – I have to go this alone… Thanks World. Much appreciated. – A little work on the “music collection” and… THE DAY! Dreary as it is. – 20.46 What would be most delightful when coming into the house after a 70km bicycle ride in 12 degree rain? Dry clothes? Hot tea? Warm shower? How about getting ready to go directly to bed in the sweats worn under the soaked clothes, after a Journal entry and a gulp of room-temperature tonic? I’m just waiting for my hair to dry and it will be “into bed” for me for the night. – At about 11.00 I finally got ready to get out of the house to try the trip into Richford. (Randy was still asleep, in bed, Lyle was awake.) First error of the day: I offered to bring the 2 dogs, Dixie and Ellie, out in the yard for a pee. It was rather wet out there, and a “misty” sort of wetness to the air, but no “rain”. Well… as I was getting the bike ready, Dixie took off out of the yard and was no-where to be found! I let Ellie back in and got on the bike to ride round The Square in search of the lost dog. Once round and nothing. On my second round, there she was, up the road, several houses away at the church across the road! I went to get her and had to walk her back to the house. That knocked about an hour off my timing for departure. I brought her in, listened to Lyle “scold”… “Bad girl. Bad girl.” and then tell me that she’ll be “on the hook for a long while now”. OK. BFD. I was OUT! – It must have been about 12.30 when I finally got the fuck out of here and was on the road. My legs really can’t take much of this biking shit any more. Neither can my body. I’m really running down nicely of late. Anyway, 3,5km away from the house and the drizzle started. Oh well, I was OUT, I was ON THE ROAD, I was NOT turning back! So along the road I continued. For the most part, it wasn’t at all that bad. A steady sort of “rain drops suspended in the air” situation. Not “raining”. The drops weren’t “falling”. They were simply “there”. Just enough to keep things rather “damp”. But not annoying and not deterring. So I continued as much and as best I could. Made a few “walking breaks” along the way today. As i say, the body just can’t seem to put up with much of this of late. But… BUT… I arrived at Mayhew’s at… 15.25! HOW? I’ve no idea! Wonderful timing on this trip! – WHAT A DELIGHT to see BRENDA in the store! It’s really WONDERFUL to see her… which is most of the reason I go all the way over there. First thing she did was offer jelly donuts (I declined). And then we got to talking, as if I’m in town all the time and never left. And we talked. I got a small container of “stuffed shells” (home-made by a lady in town) and one of potato salad (and I ate both while I visited with Brenda and the Locals who came and went). 3 smokes and some “junk” for the trip back (and now, only 20 left for the rest of the month… this bodes not well but I don’t give a shit). We talked until about 16.30! I was in no particular rush to leave, and the chats were going along so well! – News from Richford: the State is now taking-in Dominican “refugees” and stuffing them up in Richford! They’re back at their bull-shit, dropping their “un-wanteds” into Richford! Fucktard fuckalls. One young kid came in, saw me with a pack of cigarettes and asked if he could buy one. I asked how much he’d pay. He offered 50-cents. I thought that a fair price. He made a purchase and gave me 1,00$ in quarters for ONE cigarette! Brenda laughed “Go stand out there and make some money!” But we both agreed that that was a one-time shot. Still, I got a dollar! HEY HEY! – Well, at 16.30 it was time to head out. I wanted to stop at Dollar General to see if they had the white paint I need for the garden sign. So, sadly, I left the store and headed up the hill and down the road to Dollar General. I passed Don and Connie’s and was rather tempted to stop by and say hello. But, why bother? Really. I’ve nothing much to say about staying in the house, and if they were to offer me a place back in Richford, right now it would only hurt too much, since I can’t afford it (and I’m in the plannings of being out of this house before the end of this month). – Dollar General had only water-colour paints. Oh well. At least I tried. – When I came out of the store, a text message from Bob (it was already 17.04… I just checked the message): “Having fun?” I replied “leaving richfird”. “Ok” and I was off down Noyes and back to the Trail. – The ride was still that drizzly/misty wet for the most part and a bit on the more difficult side, considering all the pedalling that I’d done and what was still to come. But I just kept eyes on the Trail and pedalled… – JUST as I crossed from W.Berkshire into Enosburg? RAIN! Just RAIN! No place to shelter, no place to get out of it. So? I just kept pedalling. There really was nothing else to do. I stopped under a tree to put the little “lunch bag” into a plastic bag and put all back on the handle-bars. And then, kept right on going… and going… and going… It wasn’t until about 18.25 when I finally got into Enosburg Falls (I looked at the hour on the banque) when the rain turned back into that drizzle/mist. (According to the weather forecast, there was to be NO rain after 17.00. Well? I suppose there wasn’t. It wasn’t “rain”. But it was rain-drops ALL in the air.) By now, I was soaked. Oh well, nothing that could be done about it. I kept pedalling. This evening, the gears on the bike kept slipping, and slamming into the harder gears! Talk about “piss me right he actual fuck off”! So, in addition to the air cooling, the rain coming, the soaked clothes, the sore knees, the shoes that I’m wearing now being a whole size too small… It just kept building on itself. But hey. Nothing I could do about it, so I just resigned my-self to pedalling along, taking walking breaks, and pedalling along. – By the time I reached the N. Sheldon Rd. it was dark. Dark, cold, wet… and another “5 miles” to go… mostly UP-hill. Well? WTF? Push on! And so I did… and the drizzle/mist got a bit heavier and I just ignored it. – One comment: People who absolutely need high-beam head-lights on SO much so that they can’t put them down when someone is on the road at night should be pulled OFF the road… PERMANENTLY! and NEVER allowed to operate ANY sort of ANYTHING on a public road EVER! And age has nothing to do with it. If I’d had a gun with me tonight, there would have been several broken wind-shields. And I say that with NO FEAR! – Comment done. – When I pulled into the yard, the light was on. I fumbled through my bags to find my smokes and lighter… all I wanted to do at this point was relax and enjoy a smoke… in the drizzle/mist. But NO! Of course not! The lighter had gotten wet and of course, I had no matches. What a wonderful way to wrap the evening up! So, I put the bike into the barn and went into the house. – Lyle greeted me at the kitchen door “You must be soaked!” No, not really. Only the outer layer. “Would you like me to bake you a hot pizza?” “No, thank you. I’m really fine.” (I was and honestly quite happy to know that I’d missed dinner completely! I’ve been trying to skip meals and tonight… BINGO!) – Dixie met me at the door, all happy. I told her that I was still not forgiving her for her antics of today. Lyle said “She’s betrayed a trust.” Indeed. Just like so many people I know (and, oddly enough, about whom I thought today… but that’s more notes for another time. Schmulik. Silas. And I’m still rather boiling about the no replies to the request for information on how to nurture the kitten that I’d posted to Twitter… yeah, there too… worthless shit, the lot). So, and but, at this juncture, I really just wanted to get up to the room, FIND a book of matches and HAVE A SMOKE! And even THAT had to be difficult: The lighter wasn’t working because it was wet; when I’d found a book of matches, I had to spill all sorts of papers about the room to get it; walking out the door got the bloody dogs barking (useless animals, really they are: they eat, shit, piss and carry fleas, make noise for no reason, just useless); and then I got to stand in the RAIN to have my smoke… in my wet clothes. Oh well. What the hell do I expect anyway? – Smoke done, I came in, up-stairs, removed the outer layer of wet clothes and put them on hangers for the night. I doubt they’ll dry in the this weather. But, tomorrow? There’s weeding to be done, hopefully in some sun-shine and maybe that’ll dry them out. – My feet are killing me. The shoes are a size too small. But they’re all I have left now. – Oh well… it’s only for a little while longer. – And so, it’s gotten to be 21.50. Tonight isn’t a “Franklin Friday”. I guess Randy’s money’s run out already. Bob and Randy were having a beer when I came in. I’d like a smoke before going to bed but I don’t dare leave the room, lest I start Chica barking which will get Ellie barking which will lead to Dixie barking. I’m TRAPPED!!! But I’ll try to lean out the window far enough and grab a drag or two. – A little note” 19.56 a text from Bob: “You ok”. Indeed. Spiffy. – PS: Ring finger and pinky on left hand? Dead. Ulnar nerve damage… from last Winter. Who’s next on the list for the “Fuckme Fest”? No grease necessary.
OFFICIAL TONIGHT! MINUS 1 DEGREE WEATHER THIS WEEK COMING!
Sat.14.Sep: 8.20 Yom Kippur. – In bed by 21.00 last night. Awake at about 8.00 this morning. Feeling shitty. – 1.28 on Sunday morning. And Yom Kippur is done. So too, my “At one-ment” for this day. – I will not ask for any help any longer and will not discuss the matter at all. It’s already the 15th as I type this. No job. No prospects. The storage company is now going to add another 100$ to the rent for the month. I have one pair of shoes that isn’t falling apart. I have no cold weather blankets, no cold weather clothes, when the weather turns, I’ll have no means of transport and now, the nearest market it over 15 miles away so there’s no walking that distance and back. I’ve no way to pay next month’s rent on this place. And nothing is about to change with-in the next 5 days. I’m done thinking about any “hope”. And I certainly don’t want or need to hear any bull-shit about any of it. Twitter is out now. I’m sick to death of the bull-shit and self-centeredness, not to mention the general hypocrisy. Nope. I’ve been a complete and total moron all along. I’m not stupid any more. And I wont’ be lied to or patronised. Signing off. – Today, Saturday, the kitten (yeah, the one I asked for informational help on… fuck me and my stupidity and my nerve for ASKING for anything, fuck me) is a week old. He appears to be doing quite well, and, well, there’s the “exchange” of Life I promised. – This morning was a shit. I woke at 8.00 but didn’t leave the room until 9.00, afraid that my walking out the door of this room would start the useless dogs barking. Well, indeed, I was on the point! I walked out of my door, into the hall, and the dogs opened with the barking!!! Useless bits of shit… the lot. Honestly. Dogs: they eat, shit and piss all over the place, bring ticks and fleas into the house, and disturb any peace with their useless barking. Bull-shit! So, I went directly down-stairs and out the door into the yard… into the cold, damp morning. Certainly not prepared for the coolness and dampness… since I have only Summer clothing. But… – Today I got the back of the barn all nicely cleaned and got a bit of weeding done in Daisy’s garden. Bob came and asked me if I’d help him with some carpentry and I was delighted. But he did that project on his own… installed a new railing on the front porch! Looks really nice! Instead, I helped him “raise a barn”… He’s trying to jack-up a corner of the barn Lyle calls the garage. So it was rather fun trying to hoist the entire corner of a barn with a 3-tonne jack. But we did it, just a bit. Needs more, but it’s a bit better. Then Bob went into the back of THE barn and got the back door opened!!! Well! Now I can get into that room and get some of that cleaned up and out! (Me. I’ll get to it. I have to. And with-in the next 5-7 days!) – I did get that huge tyre put into the ground AND the pole in the centre. (Now I want to plant something in the tyre… oh, which I filled with soil and some mulch already.) – When our work was done, Bob and Lyle started talking about dinner. Ah… budget-minded? I think not. Rather than cook and eat what’s in the house… off we went to the Lucky Buffet in St. Albans where, for about 9$ you have “All You Can Eat”. And of course, because it’s that, I ate more than I should have. But I got the 9$ out of it all…. and then some, indeed. After, they stopped at the liquor store (beer and…) and whilst Lyle and Randy shopped, Bob and I stayed at the car to have a smoke. How strange: at dinner I was nervous about J.San showing up, but then, standing by the car was a bit strange: That town was my official “first residence” when I came to VT and yet, although I like the town… it’s not Richford. And, f all things, I actually dread seeing people there. 2 years in this state and I’ve got towns I’m not comfortable in and people I’m not comfortable with. Cute… in a fashion. – When we got back to the house, the other 3 had a few beers.. (Tired… have to continue later… after a nap) – (Tue) I’m usually so damned exhausted at the end of a day that I don’t even have the energy to have a beer. I mean, as it was, I went to dinner in the clothes I’d worked in the barn and weeded in. And no shower. Just “Up. Run. Move. Work.” I mean, they appreciate the work. But… – Oh, and I added another little humming-bird to the “Daisy’s” sign and today I showed it to Bob and Lyle. Lyle actually cried. Bob said: “She wasn’t even my Mom but that’s beautiful.” They want to “frame” it so it doesn’t break. (I still need the white paint for the highlights on it… but you know what? I’ll dig up my arse…) – Well OK then, that about covers the day. – HOT SHOWER BEFORE BED TONIGHT! HOW UNIQUE! HOW WONDERFUL! – But my back is siezing terribly these days. Just out of no-where. WOW does it ever become difficult to sit/stand and never mind trying to get up stairs to the room and the bath. But there’s work to be done and I’ve started it so no I have to finish it… I promised it, so now I have to deliver it (UNLIKE the people in my life who “promise” and when delivering… as the old addage goes “Promise Heaven. Deliver Hell.” and then tell me it’s MY fault! Fuckit. Fuckit. Fuckitall. Just Fuckit. I have ME and who I am to deal with right now, and the things I’ve promised, MOST of them are just about done! HEY! I’ll leave this house looking GOO-OO-OOD for the guys. – Cold tonight. The North is moving South… slowly, but certainly. – As for Yom Kippur? EVERY BLOODY FUCKING DAY OF MY EXISTENCE HAS BEEN A YOM KIPPUR. I’VE ATONED EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY EXISTENCE… AND THAT’S MERELY FOR HAVING EVER BEEN CONCEIVED!!! SHIT! AND THEN TO ACTUALLY BE BORN? IMAGINE MY NERVE! REPENT! REPENT! REPENT!
Sun.15.Sep:
ALL DAY…
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Worked on this all day. half-hour break for dinner. Finished half of this room at about 20.00 so too late for photos. – Strange: I’m good enough to tackle this kid of physical work, but not good enough to hire for a paying job. You know what? FUCK BLOODY FUCK THE ENTIRE WORLD. SERIOUSLY. JUST PLAIN FUCK THEM ALL! I WORK HARD AND LONG AND UNTIL THE JOB IS DONE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE PAID FOR THIS KIND OF WORK? FUCK YOU ALL. AND YOUR FAMILIES AND LOVED-ONES AS WELL.
Mon.16.Sep: 22.22 From 9.00 this morning right through until 18.30 this evening. One half-hour break for 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and then a wrap-up until tomorrow morning. Today was the North side of the back room in the barn.
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After clearing the rubbish, rubble, tillers, plows and other machinery out of the area, AND, the middle image on the bottom row: the not-quite decomposed HALF of a skunk that obviously got entangled in some twine, couldn’t escape and starved to death only to have its back half eaten away… the entire area was covered with at LEAST a foot of old hay, some kind of shit, including chipmunks and who-know-what! It had to be RAKED, SCRAPED AND SHOVELED out! 2 trips with the blue garden trolley to get it all out and onto the pile of weeds, &c. that I’ve already removed from the gardens and flower-beds. MUCH heavy metal machinery parts. A difficult day’s WORK. Lyle came to look: “This hasn’t looked like this since we moved in.” (Bob says that was about 50 years ago.) The works’ not finished yet. And I moved SO much metal to the front of the barn. Bob and Lyle will sell it (they’ll get the money, I’ll get out of here). – No “thanks” today. But Bob says the room’s looking great. – E-mail from Nancy. Inquired about me being angry or mad at her. WOW! No matter what I do or don’t do, I just fuck up… like the old man used to tell me. He was right then… and even now. – I just have to finish that back room, tidy the lawn and gardens and nobody will be offended any more. – Going down to 2 degrees tonight. Hey! But 18 tomorrow. Still, there isn’t much time left. – Very painful tonight. Back, knees, my hands… cramps, spasms, just pain. But no sense in mentioning it. Although I thought, as I showered this evening: I keep this “Journal” as a record… for me (and later, for others) so fuck the world if I mention! – (Oh, Nancy’s e-mail: I’m being angry and feeding my anger. Nice. Right. I have NO RIGHT to be anything but tra-la-fucking-bloody-la-la-dee-fucking-bloody-dah! BULL-FUCKING-FUCK-YOU-SHIT! EVERYBODY KNOWS MY ENTIRE LIFE and they’re ALL EXPERTS on it. No folks… wrong-O! I’m un-justifiably psychotic… you know… Manic-Depressive Psychotic, Paranoid, Inferiority Complex, worthless, not trust-worthy enough to employ. Just sponging my way through life.) (why doesn’t somebody just drive up and shoot me… do the entire World the kindness)
Tue.17.Sep: 7.52
If the temperature now is only 1, and this is with the sun shining brightly, then the temperature over-night, being cooler, MUST have been MINUS. (I REALLY need to get my shit together and get ready for what’s to come at the end of this month… or before then… depending on when I get the “work” done.) – TIME TO GET TO THE BARN! The sun’s rising high enough to brighten it in there AND to put just the slightest touch of warmth to it. No time to waste. Oh! And today the clothes are clean! (Last evening I asked if it would be alright if I washed them. They had Friday’s ride in the rain, Saturday, Sunday and Monday’s yard and barn work on them. I got a puckered face and a nod. You know what? It isn’t even 8.00am, the sun hasn’t even had a chance to warm the morning air, and already I have a rock in the pit of my gut and I want to PUKE my colon right up through my nostrils. Lovely. BUT… IT’S ALL MY FAULT and as the day progresses, I will come to learn how and why. God will provide the answers… right after he pulls the white-hot steel shaft out of my bleeding arse. Amen.) – 21.55 The back of the barn (and I’m not good enough to hire at a paying job. Can’t be trusted. Or, as I recalled today, as Martin and EW put it, I’m too “flighty”. More like: Fuck him, he’s a total shit-arse moron).
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Or, as Nancy put it yesterday…
I began today’s work at exactly 9.00, took no breaks all through the day. My knees won’t lift me any more, and my right hand is so sore that it has precious little strength. I have to brace myself when lifting anything (and as of this evening, there are two 50-gallon drums and two 30-gallon drums full of metal, that consists of old lead plumbing, small motors, a “compressor” for an old milking machine, and various other steel rods and the likes… all picked-up and moved… alone). Lyle and Randy slept until noon, then? I can’t say. I kept working on this room right through the day. Nothing to eat, nothing to drink. It struck me how I’m never offered anything to eat or drink all day. It’s an imperative that the pets are fed, promptly when Lyle wakes and in the evening. It’s become equally imperative that they get a portion of what-ever is served for dinner. It’s of no concern or import to even offer a glass of water to me. Indeed, I am all that my father said I was then, and obviously am now. But I think too: It is as usual… I’ll leave this place much better than it was when I arrived. And as far as “altruism”? Few know it as well as I do… and Ayn Rand was completely correct: “Altruism declares that any action taken for the benefit of others is good, and any action taken for one’s own benefit is evil. Thus the beneficiary of an action is the only criterion of moral value—and so long as that beneficiary is anybody other than oneself, anything goes.” Even Barbara S. said it to me many years ago: “Even when you begin to feel good about the wonderful results of your hard work and efforts, something or some-one always comes along to revoke your moment of joy, so your happiness is destroyed. My dear friend, you are the rare ‘Altruist’ and if you intend to survive at all, you’d better do something to stop that.” – All day long I kept thinking of, and cannot seem to get out of my mind, reading that one phrase: “… you are too busy being angry.” REALLY? AM I NOW? Just sitting about, lolling and lounging, staring at the leaves on the trees as they change from green to red and gold, lying on the lawn, staring into the blue skies and just being busy being angry. Yes indeed. That’s exactly what I’m doing these days; I’m just too busy being angry. My GOD! How much more selfish and self-serving could I possible be then!? What an atrocity! Just how the fuck dare I? And just who the fuck do I think I am? WELL! We’ll just have to see to it that this behaviour ceases IMMEDIATELY! Lolling, lounging and being angry! – At about 15.30 or so, ob came back to have a look-see at the progress. He walked into the barn and the first thing he said was “So, what did you work on today?” OK then. Can’t see any difference from yesterday. I didn’t bother to answer. – At about 17.00 Randy came out the door to tell me that dinner was ready. I thanked him (for the information) and kept right on installing the chicken-wire along the southern fence in the back yard. The dogs were getting under it and getting stuck. I’d found much chicken-wire in the barn, so that was perfect! – Bob came out at about 17.50 to note why I didn’t make it to dinner and to tell me that mine was on the stove. – When, at 19.00, the sun was beginning to set a little too low to continue, I went in to find 3 chicken patties, some cold chips and sliced onion. My place at table was still set. Randy and Lyle were making zucchini breads… 4 small loaves. I tossed the food on my plate, smothered it in Ranch dressing and ate. (OK, it might be my perception only, but of late, I feel, from tone of voice and general “ambience”, that the fact that I eat “their” food is some-what resented. If so? Not a problem Really. In 13 days I have to be out of here anyway. So? Then they can all enjoy themselves delightfully. I won’t be here to use water to shower after working in the yard or barn, and I won’t be here to eat “their” food. As I say: Not a problem. ALL of the work in the barn should be done by then (I’ll be starting the front of it tomorrow morning). – And so, tonight the house smells delicious with the fragrance of baking. It’s quite chilly in this room, but then again, there’s no heat on in the house , save the wood stove in the living-room, and there’s no heat registre, that I know of, in this room anyway. – Earlier, I’d gone out back for a late smoke. The moon isn’t completely full tonight but its light and glow are already magnificent! It’s a “Cold Weather” sky out there… a reminder… the days are slipping away… I need to start prepping for my “slippng” away as well. – 22.58 and time to crawl under the blankets for the night. I’m showered. I’m also simply STARVING! Not enough FS left for the treats at the market next door, but I don’t shop there of late anyway… not since that Bible-thumping Jesus-calling hypocrite gave me the line about folks from Richford. Stupid bitch. BUT… either tomorrow or Thursday… I’ll be on the bike and on the trail and off to Richford for the day! (That’s what I do on my “days off”, along with being angry: 70km bike rides. Loll, loll, loll…) – My back is terribly painful tonight and sitting here is doing me no good at all. I’m hungry too, but I don’t keep my little snacks in the room any more since I’ll be leaving soon. So? Off to nightie-nightie-night-night. – This day is shot right the fuck to the fuck and tomorrow? More of the same… being angry.
Wed.18.Sep: 18.33 And today: up at 7.30 and back in the barn by 8.00.
Moved the farm equipment (tiller and plow blades), the bucket of bolts, the bucket of old nails, the old tub… ALL of the metal from the back of the barn to the front. ALL of it. Alone! Done! Finished! But I had to clear out the corner by the door before moving anything. But, it’s done. – I don’t have much energy these last 2 days and my right hand is SO painful! But I did a bit of gardening: cut the edge round the base of the pine around the bleeding hearts, planted 5 of those in the tyre by the pole (that I put in), edged round the large bush and the roses, then turned the soil in all the flower beds. – Not once was there an offer for water, a bite to eat, a coffee. – Randy wore his t-shirt“What Happens In The Barn Stays In The Barn”. Bob bought one for him and one for him-self. Randy’s never even been in the barn. How about that for a fuck in the face? Eh? – Dead skunk is buried where it will be “with” anyone who goes into the back of the old barn. – Kurtis came to mow today, found that little turtle in the back yard and brought it home with him to show to his kids. – I saw a garter snake on the path do where I out the weeds and such. – I’m too busy being angry. – I have no energy today. I’m falling asleep as I type this. SO tired. Yet, tomorrow is a bike trip into Richford. I have to get things together for the end of this month. I’ll be out of this house then. But I leave a much nicer place than the one I cam to only a few months ago. – My blood sugar is awfully low and there isn’t anything to eat in the room. Dinner was a small taco salad. Not enough FS to get anything. Oh well… tomorrow. I’ll be able to get some things for the blood sugar and hopefully get to talk with either Brenda or Abbie. It’ll be nice to be in Richford. (It’s going to be an interesting trip too: My knees won’t lift me up from sitting or squatting, and my lower back has been so sore for the past 3-4 days. But BIKE I shall!) – I need a shower… a brief shower. Then a smoke and then I’ll be off to bed. – This will all be over and done in a few days. I’m leaving my stuff here. I don’t know what they can use… they can toss it all for all I care. The stuff in storage is, so far, OK. My chequing account is sorely over-drawn with no way to pay the over-draft at this point. But, when October comes round, none of it and none of this will matter to anybody anyway. (Not that it does other-wise.) – Oh, note: Last night, Randy and Lyle baked 5 small loaves of zucchini bread. They ate half a loaf last night and Bob took one to work with him today. I was not asked to partake. Tonight, the dinner table was set, I was not given a glass to drink something from. A couple of nights ago, I got a glass for myself and poured a bit of Diet Pepsi (which I don’t like but I was thirsty). Lyle shot me quite the glance. – I’ll leave this place having accomplished SO much in the way of improvements for the lives of those who will continue to reside here. I leave in peace. – 20.06 SHOWERED!!! and ready to slide under the covers. Which reminds me: I leave behind the third (and un-finished) afghan. SO many I’ve crocheted and… they’re gone. I don’t get to enjoy the results of my labours. (The eternal Altruist.) – Anyway, tomorrow morning, I have to be awake on time to put out the garbage. Not a problemme. I won’t leave here for Richford until at least 10.00 anyway. I’ve already told Randy not to hold supper for me (hopefully they won’t even make any). – This evening, the house is full of the smell of more zucchini bread baking. Another 4 loaves. Says Lyle, they’ve frozen the rest of those made last night. Indeed. – E-mail from Nanc says I should barter for rent based on all the work done round here. Well, yes, indeed, Bob wanted the back of the barn cleaned. Done. Lyle said he wanted the flower-beds manicured. Done. And, for about 2 months, I’ve never stopped DOING around here. BUT… remains the plain and simple fact: They did ASK me to do this work so, as a matter of fact, they owe me nothing. BUT… more-so, rather than be TOLD that they didn’t ask me to do the work (which is what Margot always said to me: “I do not have to thank you for doing things I did not ask you to do.”) and I have NO way of paying ANY kind of rent for the coming month(s), the ethical and just action is to simply leave. NO! I will NOT go back to a Shelter! And NO! I will NOT go back to NYC! That;s all there is to be said on that issue. Oh, and as for FS? First of all: they don’t cover the rent. Secondly: Bob and Lyle didn’t rent this room for food money, nor did they rent for the company. So, I need to make the space available so they can rent to someone who will bring in the money they need. Done deal. – In closing: this evening, on Twitter, some fuckforall posts: ” Gawker @Gawker 9 h An astounding percentage of NYC homeless people have jobs.” I mean, SERIOUSLY? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CLOWN? The bio reads: “Today’s gossip is tomorrow’s news gawker.com” His brain-dead bull-shit post got 62 re-posts abd 25 “favourites”!!! I am SO bloody-fucking-piss-arsed-sick of this bullshit! Just more shit to occupy my time being “busy being angry”! Serious fucking shit here! “astounding” percentage are “Working Homeless”. “Astounding”? What’s “astounding” is that this dumb fuck is allowed to breathe! Him and the 62 re-posts and the 25 faves. – On that note, I’m going to bed. This World isn’t worth being awake for… never mind being alive for.
Thu.19.Sep: 10.36 I’ve taken the Journal off-line today, so as not to insult any-one any further and so to be as candid as a Journal is supposed to be. Instead of reading it as it is, and is meant to be, an e-mail from Nancy, last evening, has shown me that people will, no matter how much they know of me, will spin my words and feelings into notions and concepts that suite their own purposes and interpretations and, as has always been the case, twist it all round until it becomes ammunition to use in an all-out, brutal attack on me. In her message, she mentioned that she wouldn’t read more of it… the Journal… because “her” feelings are hurt. Fine then. I’ve done the favour and made it so that she won’t have to accidentally stumble across it. What’s not known won’t “hurt” my feelings. – Meanwhile, I was up at about 2.00 this morning, but stayed in bed, waiting for the 6.00 alarm. I dozed off until about 3.30 and again, remained in bed, since there was nothing much I could do with that hour of the morning. But, I was warm enough in the bed, and it was comfortable. – At about 6.45 I got up, went down-stairs to have a smoke and to bring the extra trash out to the curb only to find that Bob had done it already. So, I grabbed an extra bag of barn-garbage and brought that out to the curb, put one of the burlap bags that Bob had brought out, into the barrel that had just enough room in it for same, and I hoped that it would all be taken. – The sun was just coming up, and the light cast across the back yard grass, wet with last night’s dew, resembled the grain of a carefully brushed suede. The sky was already quite blue and cloudless and all was in such peaceful silence. Chipmunks scurried up and down the trees and one searched for something in the bleeding hearts bed. The yard looks delightfully manicured, but I’m sure the chipmunks aren’t thrilled about it. I know I must be disturbing places where they’d hidden something or their little under-ground routes. There are so many of those… little “mounds” along interesting lines, where they burrow under the ground here and there, to and fro. But, as is the fate of the World and all of Nature: sometimes shit happens and our plottings and plannings interfere with something else. Oh well. Tough shit. – With the time I had this morning, I browsed the Internet. I’m feeling quite useless today and not in any physical condition for this bike ride to Richford. But, there really isn’t much of anything to be done round the house today, save getting to that corner of the front of the barn… and I’m physically not up to that this morning. Besides, maybe the bike ride and the time away will help with a little of my mind and soul today. I don’t know, but it’s worth the try. – Daily, I check my e-mails to see (a) if there’s a reversal of the PO decision to be the fucks that they are. To-date: nothing. The shaft is still buried deep in my arse so much so that it’s about to puncture a lung. And (b) to see if there’s any notice from Storage that the payment didn’t go through and a notice from the banque telling me that I’m grossly over-drawn and that they’re closing yet another account. To-date: nothing from either of those. – Meanwhile, I keep checking the weather and, each and every moment, no matter what I’m doing, I’m trying to find the best day and best way to leave this house quietly and with-out any particular notice. I just want to “go” and be done with it all. – Randy was up when I went out for the early smoke. I just got back in from bringing the trash barrels from the curb. I’m not going to bother putting them in the garage. Surely, Randy can manage THAT, as he usually does. Besides, it sickens me to think: 8 loaves of bread… the 2 of them sit round, watching TV all day, having actually gotten up at round noon and the “high-light” of the day is pfutzing in the kitchen… Even then, it’s an effort for them to make dinner and when we sit at table, all we have to hear is about how much effort they put into what little fare there is. Ah… but one thing that’s a “must”: feed the animals! Well, perhaps I’m just being selfish (as usual), but I know how much work, actual work, I put into this place. I know, after a fashion, how much the work would have cost, had out-side help been hired… and I know how much time and energy they would have had to invest, had they done it on their own. In reality? I’ve nothing to feel “in debt” about. I’ve done quite a lot round here and it shows… even if it isn’t appreciated. – I don’t much care for the general attitude round here toward me. And I keep thinking of how it’s too much burden to offer a coffee, quick sandwich, glass of water during the day as I clean THEIR barn, manicure THEIR lawn (which reminds me: the front lawn needs to be trimmed). But you know, even as has been confirmed by last evening’s e-mail: I’m a selfish, self-centred, whining, bitching, ungrateful, insulting, apathetic bit of shit when all is said, done, considered and calculated. – 11.01 GOT TO GET GOING! There’s a long trip ahead and if I don’t’ get started… (I don’t have the energy and would give anything for a little bit of a nap. But… soon enough, there will be a “nap”.) – 19.46 After quite the day, and a trip to Richford and the PO, back at long… I left at about 11.30 and took the Swamp Rd to the State Park Rd today. Beautiful view of the Sheldon valley when at the turn on the State Park Rd! Just breath-taking! I was a little sorry to have to get back on the Rail Trail but, that’s the best way to Richford from here. – WHAT a GLORIOUS day! Clear, brilliant blue skies, warm sun-shine and just the right coolness to the breezes! Almost made to order! – Made a quick stop at the Family Dollar in Enosburg, hoping to find the white paint I need for the garden sign. They didn’t have it. But they had Crayons, and in the box (at 1,50$) was white! I passed on getting them then because I’d have to have them on the bike, in the sun. So I thought I’d stop on the way back to pick them up… and I was off and back on the Trail. Took a couple of breaks today, but still made AMAZING time! Took Noyes into Richford and stopped at the PO for the few pieces of mail there and then, arrived at the store at 14.15! SUPER time! Brenda and Jill were out in the store and the other fellow was behind the counter (Brenda hadn’t started to work yet). My “funds” were EXTREMELY limited today, so I just grabbed 2 small “chocolate pies” and a “3 Musketeers”. (The only thing I’ll have had to eat all day today and, since there was no dinner when I got in, that will be ALL I’ll eat today… Hunger is on the way… HUGE time. But that’s fine. 10 more days here and I’ll be “gone” anyway.) I asked if the fellow would put my smokes on the card and he asked Brenda who said “2 Blues”… I made it 3. They’ll have to last until the “end” of this month. Then, Brenda got to work behind the counter and we chatted about Richford and a recent major drug bust and such. She told me that the Dollar General had been robbed round about 12.30 today! Perfectly clear day, beautiful weather and this! No matter where one goes in the world, there’s shit to be found. At about 15.00, when I HAD to get back on the road/trail, it was difficult leaving town today, since I don’t see the next visit coming. But, Richford is “Home” now so it’ll be where my spirit comes to when it goes roaming. – Today, being in no particular rush to get back to the house, I took the Noyes Rd and stopped at the Dollar General to see if they had the same Crayons and sure enough, they did! Same price too! I have “white” to add a little high-lights to the painting of the sign. I don’t know how or if it’ll hold under sun and such, but at least it’s there for the while. And… I was off down the road and onto the Trail. – Had to take a couple of breaks tonight, my knees just won’t take much more of this abuse, between the barn work, the garden work and the biking. But, when I got to the little bench just after the Berkshire/Enosburg border, I snapped a shot of the river and send a message to Bob and Lyle, not to wait supper… “I’m on the trail… yippee tai yai yo”. (Little did I know… not only did they not “wait” supper… they didn’t even bother to prepare any. Imagine? Imagine. Barn work. Yard work. Rent’s paid this month. OK then. Makes the end of the month that much more decided upon. You’re ever so welcome for all the free labour… not just “work”… labour.) And OK, so I was back on the trail for a rather un-eventful ride, listening to my music, and enjoying the good weather and the fact that it was still day-light! – Then came the calf! As I came up the 120, there, in the middle of the road was what looked like a HUGE black dog! But, as I approached? It was a CALF! ON THE MIDDLE LINE! So I slowed down and told the little fellow that he needed to be back behind the fence and egged him along until he found the place where he’d escaped and popped right back into the pasture. I couldn’t just let it pass with-out telling the owners so I went up the dirt drive to the rustic wonderful house and there, got into a chat with the Mrs. and the Mr. Well! We must have talked for about an hour or so. But then Mr. asked if I’m vegetarian and when I said “No.” he gave me a pound of hamburg meat… FROM ONE OF HIS COWS!!! WOW! and a HUGE onion from their garden! I don’t know what got into me when I accepted it. As I rode back to the house all I can think of is: it’ll be added to the super-market shit AND, be fed to the fucking DOGS! (And of all nights to be thinking of this, tonight, when there’s nothing here to eat and nothing’s been offered.) But oh yes! Make sure the fucking DOGS get the table food, along with their high-priced shit! You know? That’s just the way the world runs. Fucked right the fuck up. And, when I brought it into the house, the meat and the onion, and related the story? “How interesting.” and nobody moved from their spots on the furniture. Well do-lolly! SHIT! You’d think I’d taken a dump in the stew or something. Oh well. As I say, it makes the end of this month easier… MUCH easier for me. – I took a couple of minutes out back after putting the bike in the barn. There’s a “Harvest Moon” tonight and it really is amazing. And not only am I rather tired, I’m a bit on the “blue” side today as well. It was SO delightful to be in Richford, to be amongst people who hold no animosity toward me, to help that calf, to talk with those people. Well, then, the price had to be paid, but at least I took a bit of time to actually absorb the good feelings of the day and remembering the little “skunk” that I buried yesterday before coming in and being … well… what-ever the fuck one wants to call it. – 20.28 I’m ever so tired and not going to bother with a shower tonight (for fear I’ll hear about it eventually). Gnats in the hair and such. I’ll go to bed this way. At least tonight it’s not barn-shit-dust. Just the road, the Trail and gnats. – 21.32 Just in from a smoke on the porch with Bob. Chat about Health Care and a place where he used to work. And, as we both agree: Health Care is the WORST “job”… totally thankless in general with only very few exceptions. But we chatted, Dixie got to join us and it’s chilly out there. Either that, or it’s my blood sugar and … well. – Zinger of Zingers tonight! E-mail from Nancy! Shit! For most of the day I was thinking of Silas, Fran, Eduardo W., vanZini and the rest, and how Silas just disappeared, Fran screamed at me and called me a “liar”, Eduardo W. just tossed me from place to place, into the homes of strangers with-out so much as a warning, vanZini just dropped me after the time I took off from work to help him with his housing issues. I half expected something similar form Nancy but only “half”. And sure enough. I just have to quote the whole message:
Wow, I thought friends forgave each other for mistakes. I have tried my best to make you understand that I meant no harm by my previous comment. You have been working hard and I understand that my words were inappropriate, but what the hell? I am human too. I have been working 12-13 hour days too and come home every night in tears because my body hurts so bad.
I KNOW what hard work is and I know what it’s like to go without and I know what it’s like to feel all alone and like the world is out to get me. I thought we understood each other?
I have tried to be a good frIend and a good listener. I have spoken honestly and openly, offered ideas and tried to lighten your mood when possible. I have never judged you or tried to urge you to be anything other than YOU.
However it seems that now I am another person you can be pissed off at and regard as one that purposefully went out of their way to hurt you.
That’s never been my intention, and if that’s really how you feel about me then I guess that’s your right.
Have at it, be mad at me too.
I will still care about you and hope for “good different” for your future.
Bon Chance
N
What a kick in the face that was to get! And now, of all times. And to think, I was expecting it? My instincts are at full throttle. I was going to send her an e-mail at some point to say that it saddens me to think that SHE, of all people, would be so shallow as to see only the surface and read into the words only what it “seemed”. It saddens me to have to believe that she, of all people, join the Silas, Fran and Eduardo group in believing that I’m incapable of being hurt, genuinely hurt, and I’m only capable of anger. But, she beat me to the punch, as it were. So? What she got in return was (and I’ll copy that text too):
“I have been working 12-13 hour days too and come home every night in tears because my body hurts so bad.I KNOW what hard work is and I know what it’s like to go without and I know what it’s like to feel all alone and like the world is out to get me.”
I suppose that’s exactly why your comment hit me like a tractor trailer careening along at 100mph. Add to that:
“However it seems that now I am another person you can be pissed off at and regard as one that purposefully went out of their way to hurt you.”
OK. Silas just up and disappeared, left his mommies to come in a ransack the house. Then sends me and e-mail saying “I’m walking away from this. I’m not walking away from you.” Then? Pouf! Nothing. Not even a trail of dust. No replies to any e-mails, etc. I’ve stopped waiting for that.
Fran? Fran gave me the screaming shit on the phone about lying to her because I didn’t tell her that I’d left Jericho and moved to Richford. Then, in spite of all the “lah-dee-fucking-dahs” about all the good times and the gratitude for making her laugh again when she “didn’t think [she’d] ever laugh again after Bob (husband) died” and how I made her laugh and what great times we had sitting and talking and all the rest of what turned out to be bullshit, she screams at me on the phone that I lied to her and that she’ll NEVER be able to get over that!
Edouardo/Schmulik: Oh yes, come back to NYC. It will be here to welcome you with open arms. And how he sent you that twitter shit about you and he wanting the same for me and how much you have in commmon in that respect. And then? Sneers when I arrive. A job paying less than I was told I would get (After being told “And you CAN’T take a job that pays any less!” by him.) Tossed into THREE different places, with-in the first weeks I’m there AFTER being given lists of hostels and hotels and such that cost 75-85$/night! ANd you know the rest of that. THEN getting the e-mail that it’s MY fault because I didn’t speak about my discomforts?
And today you close your e-mail to me with:
“Bon Chance”
OK. All day long, as I peddaled my along the 70km to and from Richford I thought: I’m deeply saddened that you see my attitude as lashing out at you and that you see it only as “anger”. No, I can’t experience hurt or any sort of emotional pain. I can only experinece anger. Well, news flash! NO! None of it’s “anger”. The “anger” is at the Diane Olsen bit and the fact that for me, the stupid dumb worthless shit, there’s nothing that can be done to rectify any of that. THAT’s “anger”. As for the rest? Just pain. But you know what? Fuck it. Really. It’s been 50-some years of the same shit. I’m incapable of experinecing anything but anger and lashing out at people. That’s how people see me, that’s the way they want to see me and that’s the way they will. And I’ve learned that there’s no sense in even trying to change that. So…
Thanks for the Bon Chance… (Bonne Chance BTW)
I suppose the only thing to reply is.
Merci. Et pour vous aussi.
K.
21.51 A reply from Nancy already:
I am not saying goodbye to you! I just thought you had given up on me! I love you, you silly, sad, angry, funny,poophead! You are important to me, my family, my friend.
I thought you didn’t like me anymore! I thought I wasn’t forgiven!
Can we please just start over again please?
I never expected THAT. Imagine? Somebody who actually seems to give a shit! (Now is one of those times when my inside “instincts” kick in and tell me: WARNING! But the fact is: there’s nothing to be gained by sending me this message other than… well… me. I don’t get it. I don’t know how to deal with this. But of course, I “expected” the buzz-off e-mail and I got it. I expect that all of the time. Shit! Even JSan gave me the shove-off after SHE instigated all sorts of shit-and then Fran said the she’s always been like that only to pull the very same shit her-self?). ANYWAY, I sent a link of a Husky saying “I love you”. I don’t know what else to do or say. – Meanwhile, it’s 14 degrees out there,
but it’s damp. And I’m in a t-shirt, work shirt (that needs washing) and a sweat-shirt (that needed washing after the bike ride in the rain but never got washed), and I’m cold! I’m sticky from sweating a bit on the bike today, sticky from riding in the damp evening air, and just the slightest bit tired and QUITE hungry. (But the hunger is something that will be here for the next 10 days now because there’s nothing with which to get anything to eat… save, what’s offered here, and that’s not guaranteed… Imagine? 8 loaves of bread that can’t be shared. My, my, my. Oh well.) I’m just going to put on my jammie-sweats and get under the covers. There’s nothing I can do with this night and tomorrow is the 20th… 10 more days and I’ll be out of this house and HOME… to stay. (Let the weather be kind and the spirits of those gone before as well… OH! It’s Belladonna Season! There’s TONNES of fresh ALL over the place! Karma? Hint? Blessings” Manna from Heaven?) And all will be done.
Fri.20.Sep:
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16.07 Daisy’s sign, as far as I’m concerned, is done. My work here, as far as I’m concerned, is done. I’m exhausted in the truest sense of the word. It’s been a lot of days, 10 and 12 hour days. On my feet, no lunch breaks, and not even once since I began the heavy work, was there an offer of coffee or a sandwich. Nothing. And I mean that word sincerely as well. Right now I’m sitting on the ground, down at what they call “The Point”, on the grass, in the shade. The sweat is finally drying and I can smell the stench of my own repulsive body. I’m listening to what’s become “my song of late”: “Hero” by “Family of the Year”. “So let me go! I don’t want to be your hero. I don’t want to be a big man. I just want to fight like every-one else” and all the rest. I want every-one to let me go. Just tell me it’s OK to go. I have to go. And I’m tired and worked-out. – The ulnar damage is so that my fingers on the left hand are completely dead now. The pain in my right hand is making it all but useless. My knees won’t support me to lift me if I have to bend or squat. – In no particular order… Lyle came out once to see the work in the back barn. his comments were that it hasn’t looked that way since they moved in. Then “Oh. We lost the drain. That’s to bad.” The floor drain where they used to milk the cows. As if anybody will be getting up from the TV to milk cows. – Today, Bob asked if I wanted the tree by the back door cut. He had his little chain saw. I said “That’s up to you,” He cut the tree… and I had to drag it away. – 17.03 Laid down on the grass, listening to the iPod and snoozed! – Dimming Of The Day – I closed the back barn but not the front. I wish I had my camp cot. I wish for so much. I wish for too much… like a simple life… but more than that… all I truly want is a quick, quiet and simple death. I wish for too much. I suppose I should got to the house. I don’t want to. Sad. Very sad to not want to go to the house.
Well, I did “went” to the house, mostly because I was, at that point, chilled from sleeping on the damp ground in the shade. When I got in, Bob was at the kitchen sink preparing something for dinner. He’d “sent” Lyle and Randy to St. Albans for something. Anyway, they returned shortly there-after and we sat at table for fried chicken, corn and baked potatoes. I had a drum stick and a small breast portion of chicken and 2 portions of the corn and a second potato. And then… since I had re-newed energy and the forecast for tomorrow wasn’t so steady, and there was a bit more day-light left to the evening, I went BACK OUT, got the reel mower and headed to the front yard to mow that. – This evening, the mower really didn’t want to work at all. Bob tried to work on it, to no avail. And then I got the notion to try adjusting the height of the cutting blade and… AND…
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Sat.21.Sep: 19.22 and it’s dark enough to have to put the lights on already. The long days are done. Comes the darkness… in so many ways. – I didn’t get out of bed until almost 9.30 this morning. If I were in a place of my own, I probably wouldn’t have gotten out of bed at all. If I were alone… I’d just stay in bed until I headed HOME. – John came by today for his week-end visit.and I joined the chat for a bit. Bob mentioned the work on the barn, Lyle mentioned the sign for the garden. Bob complimented me by telling John what a great job I’d done. Lyle spoke highly of the sign. I showed John the sign. His comment? “You’re missing your calling. You could paint signs and make good money.” I simply asked “For whom?” and got the very same response I’ve ever and always gotten from everybody who’s told me what I “can” or “should” do. The response? Silence… followed by a change of topic of discussion. Again… useless lot. Everybody’s so quick to tell me what I “can”, “should”, “need”, “must” do. As if I’m completely stupid. BUT… as always, nobody “can” offer any sort of direction, information, assistance. As I even told Penelope, years ago when she went on her tirade: Your advice is the same as taking all the parts of car engine, separately, and dropping them in a pile in front of me and saying nothing. Gee thanks… for nothing. ANYway… Lyle said “You should see some of his water-colours. The intricate details are amazing.” Yes, well… a lot of nothing those too have come to. – So I remained with the visit for a bit and then got me and my pencils and such together and today? I did almost absolutely nothing. I sat on the swing in the back-yard and sketched the “Hotel” shingles.
 I’ve used this towel for cleaning my locker at D18 in the Shelter, for cleaning other places and things ever since. And today, I used it to cover my lap as I worked on the shingles. DHS: Department of Homeless Services. Again, “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness”. Always a reminder of the fact: When you are in greatest need, there is no family, there are no friends. Others will rally for others, perform kind acts in unity for others, but when it comes to true “need”, my existence comes down to exactly all that my father said about me: inconvenience, burden, useless, the World will never notice when I’m gone. He was SO correct.
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It’s supposed to rain tonight and through tomorrow so I figure I can paint that sign then. – Curtis came by today with his front-loader and the garage got raised (as opposed to razed) at last. It was quite interesting to watch and amazing that the front-loader didn’t have the power to lift that old barn. But after a few tries from different angles, the barn/garage is now a bit straighter and the doors close and such. So, Bob and Lyle are happy about that. Me? I watched… nothing more. – Randy washed his bed-linens and hung them on the line this evening. I’m still in need of doing the same but, well, tomorrow’s out for that. Maybe by Wednesday I’ll get them done. Of course, at the rate things are going, it won’t much matter one way or another. I’m not here much longer. – That reminds me: the thought of not being able to pay the rent for October keeps coming at me and making me SO sick… so much so that I get that sick feeling right into the marrow of my bones. Bob and Lyle need the income, so it’s not like they’re making anything of it. It IS me. I can’t stay here and not pay into the house-hold. So they have to have the space to rent again. And as far as jobs go, it doesn’t appear that I’ll ever get another one. So yes, it’s time to get the fuck out… and I mean O.U.T. And with the thought of not being able to pay the rent comes the reality of the fact that there are so many people who will do so much for so many other people, but, the bottom line of the reality here is: I’m not worth the effort to anybody I know. So? Me not being around will actually be a relief to all. I shouldn’t be here now, typing this. Jut going is something I should have done LONG ago. But, the time is right now. – Today I got so hungry that I took a tea bag and just sucked on that for a while. It did take some of the hunger away. There’s nothing growing any more, like the blue-berries of this Summer, so we do what we can to cut the hunger. The tea-bag seems to work. – Then, as I was heading down the stairs to close the barn and such before the rains came, Bob asked if I was hungry. Tuna salad on a roll. The only thing I’ve actually eaten since dinner last night. Oh, but I did get A slice of the zucchini bread this evening. So, add that to the food in-take. Hurray! I have to say, it’s interesting how Bob thinks to ask… but then again… it was coincidental that I happened to be coming down the stairs when he asked… and didn’t ask before. I say nothing more on the matter. – But before I ate, I went out back with Dixie to play with her Frisbee. She SO LOVES that, and I know “denial” so well that I can’t, just can’t do that to her. She has SUCH FUN with that. And lately, I’m the only one in the house who’ll play with her. I’m really sorry Dixie… I wish I could stay and play more, but that’s not the way “people” things work. I’m truly sorry. I know what it’s like when you’re thought of as not even being worth the 10-15 minutes out of a day. I know… – 20.18 SO tired and hungry! I just have to work on the rest of this after a nap… or what-ever. I’m just REALLY EXHAUSTED again!
Sun.22.Sep: 7.36 What a terrible night! In bed by 20.00, and I was just so tired and hungry I stayed in bed for the night. Lights out by 20.30, hoping to sleep through the night with-out thoughts or hunger. But during the night, I woke, BURNING with what felt like fever and the bed-clothes were DRENCHED with sweat! It was disgustingly uncomfortable. So I threw the covers to the side and some-how went back to sleep. Just not strong enough to get up and “do” anything about it. – This morning? I woke, I don’t know what time it was, but it was still dark. The rains last night began at about 21.00 as forecast, so between the rain and the fact that “Autumn” has officially dropped, it could have been any hour at all but, the opening thought: 8 more days and I won’t be able to pay the rent and MUST be out of here…. with truly… NO place to go to. TRULY. The thought gripped me, my stomach wrenched and the blessing was that I went right back to sleep until the 7am alarm. So, with that, I got up, and I don’t know why, and again, the same thoughts: the phone will be cut in 3 days so there’ll be no communication there, I’ve run out of my own little food stash, so there’s no food other than what I’m offered here and that’s not enough to keep me working-to-avoid-thinking, no money coming in and no way on earth to get paying work on time to pay the rent in 8 days. And… nobody to turn to. It’s as I’ve been saying all along: the time when you learn that you have neither family nor friends. And I’ve even posted this on-line many times, and the response proves it. I’m tired of seeing “Oh look! So-and-so saw So-and-so’s story of woe and was so inspired that letters were written, actions were taken, people got together and suddenly all has become so wonderful!” and yet? Here I am, never sitting round, wallowing in self-pity, keeping busy, always “working for” somebody, doing something constructive, accomplishing things, being “told” how wonderful my work is, how hard I work… even as Bob just said on Friday: “He get’s up first thing every morning and jumps right at doing something and getting to work at something no matter what it is. Y’just don’t ever see him NOT doing something.” (That was in reference to me never gaining any weight, of course.) No, I don’t wallow, I don’t whine, I don’t sit and ponder my ill-fate, I work through it, no matter what. But, those others? Those stories? ‘Oh he was so down on his luck that I just HAD to do something to help him.’ and ‘I used to see him all the time, poor guy, sitting there lost with-out hope and I HAD to make a difference and show him that there really is some hope in the world.’ and ‘I KNEW if I just gave him a hand, he’d pick up from there… you know… some people just need a good start…’ But me? Not worth it. Not worth a small rally against the Post Office to help me get that job. A bunch of letters or even e-mails. Not a march on Washington or anything like that. Not even one of those “FundMe” things I’ve seen on-line where people open a web-page where people can contribute to helping somebody. I can’t even get a “trend” on a Twitter time-line when I asked for bed-sheets! Nor, could I get a response for 1$/person direct to storage so now my banque account is over-drawn and I can’t pay that nor the over-draft charges. It just gets deeper and the only place I have to voice my guts is here, on this Journal. And THEN? I get fucked because I insult somebody. It ALL just gets turned right round against me no matter what. It’s OK for OTHERS to be bitch every now and again, but it’s NEVER been OK for me… not even in my own Journal! When OTHERS bitch, like Lyle bitching about his torn tendons (legitimate), Randy about his back (legitimate), Bob about his gout (legitimate), Silas about his multiple surgeries and the resulting pains (legitimate), Fran about her eyes (legitimate), Nancy about her exhaustion (legitimate), and the list goes on, and on and on and on… people complaining about or even just mentioning their own aches and pains and concerns and such to me… OH! THAT’S OK! I’m supposed to be sympathetic. BUT, if *I* dare to have the brass balls to even MENTION MY concerns, I’m IMMEDIATELY insulting somebody, denigrating somebody and they’re right there to tell ME about it! You know? The more it all comes at me, the more I realise: I AM a waste of what could have been and should have been a good Honeymoon-fuck-fest. And I’m reminded of it every day. I’m fed the fuck up with being the little “Slamfuck”. Not worth the effort on anybody else’s part. So you know? A new Season has begun and for me, too, a “new Season” must begin. No matter what I say or what I do, I’m going to insult somebody. And, as I’ve always said through my life-time: If people are that easily insulted and can’t see any deeper than the surface… they never were friends to begin with and are no loss when they turn away. – I’m not going to eat shit and beg anybody for anything. I’ve always been right there to listen, to HEAR and to act when OTHERS needed any help (case in fact: Lyle be-moans the loss of his Mum’s gardens… they’re all back. Bob mentions how he’d love to have the back barn cleared… it’s functional.) Nobody had to BEG me for help with those. I do things out of basic, Human compassion. *I* don’t put people in a position where they have to BEG for any help. That’s just cruel and be-littling. Do I think myself “Better” than others? Well, right now? Yes. Yes I do. Oh well, what the fuck? Let’s just look at it all this way (and then move along with the day): It won’t be much longer and there’ll be one less moron to “do” the work. I’ll finally be at Peace and others will have to start doing their own shit or doing with-out. – Oh, and as for anybody who reads this (considering the 1600 or so “hits” and they can’t be mine because I have to log-in and that doesn’t count as a “hit”) and is insulted? No, I don’t care! And I’m NOT going to justify anything I’ve said. Not again, and not any more. See me as you will. And if you see me as “negative”, “selfish”, “evil”, “insulting”… good for you. Obviously you’re just too fucking wrapped up in YOUR self to see anything I’ve journalled for what it really is. I’m still out of here in 8 days and well? I’m still sitting here, right now, A.L.O.N.E. Nobody talking, nobody listening, nobody even offering me a coffee, a smoke… nobody sitting beside me. Nope. Just me. So, when one looks at it all for what it “IS”? Fuck-all! – Great way to begin a day. Eh? – 10.03 Bob’s awake and Chica’s barking and the shit begins… I’ve been trying to catch this Journal up to date. Took a moment to send an e-mail to Nancy because, well, I’ve been hurt and I’m sick to fucking death of keeping MY feelings to myself and just having to cow-tow-and-bow when somebody ELSE says I’ve offended them:
Sent at 9.25:
quick note
Sorry but it’s been bugging me all along so I just have to get it out of the way here:
I can’t help but believe that if you got the impression that I’m just wallowing and stewing in my own personal anger, others see it that way too and well, gee, I wonder: why is it OK for other people (and I’m not singling you out on this, mind you now) to come dump the shit about their aches and pains and fatigue and personal probs and such on me (or even mention this stuff to me, as if I’m responsible for it in some fashion), but why *I* put *MY* feelings, thoughts, observations, opinions, out-side of my own mind, heart and soul… suddenly *I’m* being hurtful to others, whining, bitching, moaning and it’s all negative and resented and wrong and I’m wallowing and stewing in my own shit?
It was a very difficult night last night. Fever. Night sweats and such. I’m just trying to “wrap up” a few things here and this is one of them. I can’t get rid of the comment “too busy being angry”. It hurt, it hurt deeper than I figured, and I just want you to know.
Can’t un-ring a bell… so true… so true.
Sign me,
“No Time For Wallowing”
It’s going to be construed as insulting, attacking, bitching, undeserved, inappropriate and the rest. But this morning? I don’t give a shit. It’s the first of several that will be sent along during the coming hours. Baggage that I’m not taking with me when I leave this house. – I’m SO FUCKING HUNGRY! right now and tired again. – 11.08 Just woke from yet another nap. Really. Losing energy here by the moment, and not giving a shit. – I’m putting this Journal back on-line today. I really don’t give a shit about what people think. This is the way my life is going and if they’re offended… it makes no difference to me. As I only just recently mentioned: I’m here, in this room, alone, typing, hungry, with nobody giving a shit, and I’m tired of the shit about being great friends and such. Yes, indeed, be insulted if that’s what you want. Sometimes guilt has a way of twisting shit in the gut. If one is guilty, one will feel so. If one has no cause to feel guilty, one will not. “Friend”… open arms and warm welcomes, good job, great pay, “help” finding a place to live, making sure things are safe, having some manner of stability and assurance, all that shit. Yup, all that shit. And in the back-ground the voices holler “BEG FOR IT BITCH! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! BEG!” I’m tired of having to be SO fucking concerned about how other people interpret shit. WHO the FUCK EVER cared whether they hurt me? NOT ONCE EVER NO NOT AT ALL. BUT THEY’LL ALL JUMP ON MY SPINE WHEN MY WORDS OFFEND THEM! SUCK SHIT! BE INSULTED. THIS IS HOW I FEEL… BELIEVE IT OR NOT… YES! I “FEEL”!!!!! And if you’re offended? Don’t read this, stay the fuck away, go eat shit… I’ll do the dying. Not to worry about that. I’ve got no place to go to and no way to get anywhere and I’m SO CLOSE to where I wanted to grow old and die peacefully anyway. So, as I say, as I ramble here… these words on this Journal are exactly like everything else in life: If you don’t want to know and can’t handle the reality, don’t come here looking for it. And if you DO come here looking and you’re all that upset, then keep it to yourself and go away. I don’t have a posse of people pounding paths to my door with anything more than half-wit suggestions and half-arsed recommendations. There’s no “help” a-coming so fuck off, if that be your take. – 22.45 I’m SO tired but even more hungry but for some reason, I just can’t seem to settle enough to get into bed. And I have to be up early enough tomorrow to wash the bed-linens at least. I have little idea as to what else to do with the day. I’ve started the “Hotel” sign for Bob and Lyle and I can work on that, especially if the day is going to be another wash-out. There really isn’t anything more for me to do, save a bit of gardening sort of thing. At this juncture, even that’s rather stupid. I could start on clearing out that one miserable corner of the front barn. But there isn’t enough time to actually finish that job. And I don’t want to leave behind anything “unfinished”. – All day long I’ve been trying to figure what I should do with the things I have here. Put them in the back barn? No. Why stuff it in there? It’s the same as leaving it all in the room… which is basically what it looks like I’ll be doing this coming week. All I’m waiting for is a day of sunshine and relative warmth. Then? It’ll be just another day: Everybody’s so accustomed to me taking off on walks and such that there won’t be any questions about it. Oh well. I hope they’ll be able to use at least some of what I leave behind. – It’s been quite a day. But dinner was good tonight and I was included, with-out hesitation. One meal per day. That’s good too for when I leave. Not many calories to be burned away. – E-mail from Nancy wondering about the status of our “friendship”. What? Why? I’m actually so SOLO at this point and I really don’t have the luxury of pondering such things right now, looking at walking out of the door and away from all of this. I don’t have the patience and honestly, I don’t even have the capacity to make funny-hah-hah-pretty-face drivel the way I’ve always done before. Besides, nothing I say makes any difference to anybody anyway. So, I don’t bother. This Journal is where I let things out and even THIS is being scrutinised and such. But I’ve shut down on all of it. As I’ve said: if you don’t like what you see on the Internet, don’t bring it into your space… don’t go to the URL… don’t look at or read. There’s SO much MORE to be found on the Internet. This is something I’ve opened so, if it’s offencive? Go the fuck away. Easy. Done. – A cold night coming. More and colder nights ahead. The Autumn has arrived. The “blush” on the foliage is turning to full colours. Well… life wasn’t comfy… death shouldn’t be either. The only logistic to settle now is how to get HOME. I already know the “where” when I get there. It’s the “how” and “when”. – Tomorrow I’ll put this room together to be presentable and rentable. I hope the guys can find somebody nice, and good, and who will make their lives easier. They’ve been super with me here and it’s been quite a blast. Hey! I’ve gotten to live-out SO much that I dreamt about: the work in the barn for one thing, and all the gardening and yard work? Small town. North Country. SO much GREATNESS. I’m thankful. – Oh, PS: I feel obligated to add… Contrary to belief, this Journal is NOT written as a personal letter to any one person. As a matter of fact, it isn’t written as a personal letter to ANY person at all. OK? Now that that’s settled…
Mon.23.Sep: 7.31 Tempting the hand of Fate and weather, I put the work clothes into the machine to wash. The cycle is off. It filled, agitated for a moment or two, then went into a spin cycle. Randy was the last ot make a wash and… well… And I’m almost out of detergent. Things are running out. Coffee too, for that matter. In a way, this is good, the things that are running out. But not the machine! And the weather is calling for nothing but clouds all day and I’m going to hang this wash. I need to do the bed-linens as well today. I want this place clean and tidy. 7 days left. – My brain is scrambled this morning. My guts are tearing at themselves. – Last night, I couldn’t get to sleep until past mid-night, in spite of being so damned tired. – It’s chilly and damp this morning. And nobody knows what’s going through my mind. And I have this Journal. I think I need to take it back off-line, keep it for me… the way it was intended. 7.37 Done. Off-line. Leave it that way. No more of this bull-shit about hurting other people’s feelings. I’ve no time to be concerned about that. I love Nancy very much and am, in a way, thankful for having her as a friend. But, she’s beginning to resemble Liz too much with the general approach to everything I do or say or journal. Taking everything as if this is all being written about or to her. I think I told her that I’m not writing directly about or to her. But then, it seems from the e-mails, that it’s all being taken directly and personally. I don’t know why people do that. – And the bottom line I keep thinking about is how other people rally to the aide of other people, other people who, in my own view, are simply down on the their luck and such and some-how, their stories are similar: just lolling about, drug addiction history of some kind, gone the wrong way, etc. People are impressed by this shit and strive to “help”, to recover and all. Meanwhile, I work my bloody, starving body to the brink and beyond and there’s nothing much more than words of “encouragement”. Letters? Phone calls? Right now the USPS job would be perfect. But nobody rallies to my cause. Right now, a vehicle would be perfect. Nothing spectacular. Just something I could use, like a pick-up truck, to get about the North Country. I could do my sign painting, I could do barn recovery, I could deliver stuff. I could probably find work in St. Albans or even in Newport. I’m willing, as I’ve always been, to travel, if need be. Shit! I get up at 6 or 7am just to work… WORK around the house here when, in fact, I could do as the other 2… I could stay in bed until 11 or noon. But I don’t. There’s no recompense for work ethic. There’s just patronising. I WORK!!! I WORK EVEN WHEN I’M IN PAIN! When I need something away from the house, I don’t run about looking for a lift, I get on a bike and peddle for hours, or I have my hitching signs to WALK. My toe nail is still black form the walking through Milton… almost 3 months ago. Where are all the “Oprahs”, and “Ellens” and such? Where’s my little “break”? I don’t think I’m being selfish or relying on anybody too much. I’m not crying to the masses. Just looking toward people who’ve claimed to be supportive. But it all boils down to one thought: the morning when I heard “I wish it could be different.” and I was out the door and to the entrance of the Shelter. I don’t understand why people don’t understand that. Wishing it could be different and making it different… just like reclaiming the back barn. Wishing that it could be cleaned and cleaning it aren’t the same. But, because somebody wished it could be cleared out, it got cleared out because I cleared it! It seems to me that some simply “wish” and others simply “do”. And the ones who “do” just keep “doing”… for no other reason than… to “do”. As Mum said: Don’t wait for thanks… there are no thanks. No, indeed. There’s just emptiness and the next needy person down the road. And as you travel from needy to needy, the road is empty, cold and very alone. – What a delightful way to begin a new day. Oppressive. – 23.34 And I’m late to bed again! But today, we have clean linens… line-dried as well! The day was over-cast but just enough breeze to dry the laundry. Too bad I’m not showered, but I didn’t do much to day. Worked more on the Hotel signs for the most part, and was chilly. – This evening, Bob asked me to help him put the new railing on the front porch. A pleasure, indeed. And dinner was quite delicious: stuffed pepper! AND after, I had TWO slices of the zucchini bread! Thankful for that, since I’ve been eating the flavour packets from the Ramen noodles of late… just open and pour into mouth. Yum! (Ick!) – Bob cut Randy’s hair this evening and I must say it makes the WORLD of difference! He’s rather handsome, in his own way. – Oh, and I’d packed away a small jug of maple syrup? Well, I’m drinking that for energy now. Something to keep my blood sugar up for a bit. – Now I need to cut my hair, trim my nails, start looking OK for the end of the week. Saturday’s weather is expected to be delightful. HOME! – I actually up-dated some info on my FB page! Imagine that! AND Bob had found the page and put in a “Friends” request. So I accepted. I now have ONE. BFD. The next thing I did was the WAMMY-HAMMER of the century: I put up a GoFundMe page! Asking 5G for a new truck and the insurance and such. Yeah, I know… NO A BLOODY FUCKING CHANCE! I’ve a better chance of meeting that guy from Richford than I have of this going anywhere. In fact… I posted the link to the GFM page on the Twitter about 3 hours ago, asking that, if people won’t participate, just re-post? Three hours later and… same shit as always. Fuck-all! People are shit. And you know? I can say that now with-out having to worry about receiving all sorts of messages about it. As Oprah says: Don’t write me on this. – Tomorrow I’ll have a little bit of yard work to get to. It’s supposed to be high of 15 and generally sunny. I can only hope. – Oddly, this evening, I stood out back having what should have been my last smoke of the day (but I’m about to sneak another out the window before bed), in the dark, and I thought: I have no place to go to or be at in 7 days. I’m prepping for my “final” walk out the door and I’m not in the least depressed. I know I should have done this back in Richford, and listening to people talk to me about all sorts of promises and bull-shit was a mistake. This could have been avoided completely. But, and so, now I have to think and plot and plan. See? Listening to others complicates everything. – Speaking of which… no messages from Nancy today. She’s probably licking wounds and feeling… or now. I don’t care. – 23.52 and I’m tired at last! For several moments this after-noon, I sat in the chair in the room, working on the Hotel signs and I FELL ASLEEP! I haven’t done that in a great while! So now, I’m closing this for the night and closing the day. I’ve done all I can with the signs for today, and I’ve done all my “browsing” on the Interent. Time to say… FUCK IT! to the day.
Tue.24.Sep: 7.53 “You’ve been through Hell and you still have a long way to go.” Imagine THAT being your first thought as you wake in the morning. Imagine telling that to some-one you call a “friend”! – Now imagine that once again, I put that little “Please re-tweet” message out there, and indeed I remember the information I received on how to raise the kitten… nothing, except the bit from Nancy… and that took a tirade to get, both here on the Journal and on Twitter. WHAT a bunch of fucks. And if you read this and have pangs of what-ever? GREAT! – I don’t know why I’m awake. I don’t like that I’m even breathing this morning. And I’m already looking to find something to occupy the waking hours of the day so that I don’t have to THINK about the BULL-SHIT! – 8.26 Well, a delightful stroll through the “Social Media” and well jolly fuck me, word already this morning is no re-anythings and no GFM and once again, my day begins with all the love and joy in my heart for the humanity that’s always there to say “Jolly good! Look what you’ve done! How wonderful! Bravo! Oh… what? A bit down in the potatoes? Must run. Rendez-vous you know. You’ve seen worse. Chin up. Pecker up. Bravo. Jolly good!” and away they go! Worthless shits. Hey, it teaches us always: Got along with-out you before I met you… Gonna get along with-out you now… Dumfux. Thanks for SHIT! – 22.35 Really rather tired. This morning I worked more on the Hotel sign, even put in a little bear hanging onto the L. Over-all, I’m OK with the way it’s turning out. But it’s difficult working with the shit brushes I brought with, and not having white paint. But you know? It’s a “gift” and if it isn’t liked, so what? It’s a painting on old house shingles that I dug up when I reclaimed and restored Daisy’s garden. So, throw them into the scrap, or re-bury them when I’m gone. (That’s pretty much my view and attitude toward Life as a whole right now.) – The sun came through and I went out-side intending only to clean the front of the house, but then mended the chicken-wire in the back-yard flower-bed, which was followed by pounding the grass and ground down so the front barn door will open on both sides (IF Bob and Lyle ring up the guy to come collect the scrap metal I dragged to the front of the barn). – When Bob got home tonight, he power-washed the front porch! It looks amazingly clean and almost as if it’s all fresh wood! It did, of course, kick mud and leaves and such into the yard and street where I’d just cleaned. But all said? It really does make the world of difference and the place is looking better all the time! – Dinner tonight: cabbage soup. Quite delicious. Not sustaining, but quite delicious. After (and I must comment on this because, well… I must), Randy got busy cleaning out the refrigerators and THE FOOD THAT’S BEEN WASTED is HORRIBLE! Here, I go hungry because it’s not “my” food, and this evening, into the trash went cooked spaghetti, at least a kg of fresh green beans that had gone yellow and moldy, a whole cauliflower, green salad, and I can’t even recall what else. It just about pissed me right the fuck off! To think! They buy, buy, buy all this shit only to toss it into the garbage! Not even into a compost (which would still bother me, considering I’m now really existing on gulps of maple syrup during the day). But, what the hell is there to be done about it? None of my business, really. – ANYway… this evening I posted a couple of images of my water-colours onto the Tumblr. Re-posted my requests for re-postings of my GFM. Nothing on the GFM of course, but that’s exactly what I expected to begin with. AND, to my shock, Zue actually DID re-tweet my GFM posting! 509 OTHERS didn’t even so much as bother. Well, it didn’t cost me anything to put that shit up on the Internet… and quite honestly… I never expected (and still don’t) anything to come of it. I’m not the one who’s worth the effort. And yes, I keep thinking of the request for info on the kitten and how I had to RAGE-RAVE before getting a response… and that was from my friend Nancy. No further comments on the whole fucking thing. – OK. So I’m showered. Hungry. Thirsty too. A nice hot coffee would be delightful but I’m almost out of that as well and, well, hopefully what little I have left will last through my last breath. – Oh, Lyle’s dad got transferred to the re-hab that sacked Bob! Lyle and Bob are none-too-happy and when Bob told me the news this evening, it made me physically ill. But, I reminded Bob: even the slightest sign of neglect could put both of them quite comfortable… sue the shit out of the place! I’ve no care for HealthCare places any longer. Bull-shit dumps as they are. – Well, another 6 days and I have to be out of here. I really need to wrap things up and get to where I won’t be missed. I was thinking, this evening, as I played Frisbee with Dixie: she’ll miss me terribly. I doubt any-one else will take the time to play with here daily. I’m sorry Dixie. I truly am. – Tomorrow L&B have some errands to be run in the evening and I’m hoping to be able to get the rest of my clothing washed and such and, during the day, get things packed to be put out of the way and get this room in order for the next person to come. – And all along, all along, all I can think of is those lines: I still think of you as my “friend”. Spiffy-keen and jolly, that. But this isn’t FB and it’s not about YOU clicking a “button” and suddenly we’re BFF and shit. Right now? I don’t have any “friends” because it doesn’t automatically reciprocate AND… I’m quite on my own now. So fuck you, your BFF, your “clickable” “friendship” shit and all the rest. I’m entirely TOO busy being angry. – 23.05 Quick addendum: I just realised what got Nancy’s britches all in a twist! She’d sent me that card that played “Don’t Worry Be Happy” and I referred to that sentiment with a “Fuck You!” Well? FUCK YOU AGAIN!!!!!
Wed.25.Sep: 7.29 Up at 5, then again at 6 and out of bed at 6.30 and nothing accomplished but there’s packing to be done TODAY! Packing so that next week, it can all be put out on the curb. Me? I’ll be “out on the curb” and won’t give a shit… any more. – OK. The sun’s up, I’ve a wash to make, side-walk to sweep, a photo to take of the house. The house is quiet. There’s a brief e-mail from Nancy this morning, sent last night. I haven’t read it. I see nothing on the social media, I see nothing happening even as for a “mouse click” that might be of some help/support. As came the thought the other day as I worked in the yard, round the house: you can’t solve every problemme by throwing money on it. (Yes, I need the money, but more? Hey! What ever happened to all that “I’ll help you get work… I see there’s a location at…”? Hmmmm? Thanks. And why can’t there be a bit of a “rally” on the social media? Hmmm? Not worth the effort to post anything? Just not worth it at all…. I see. I understand now.) – I gotta get shit together here TODAY!) – 9.01 The front of the house is swept clean, after the power-washing of last evening. And the laundry is done and actually caught-up, save the clothes I’m wearing, and hanging on the line to dry. And the sun is up o’er yon hills and pouring in through the windows. I even took the moments to bring Dixie out for a “pee-pee”. How odd, to be doing all of this with the thought:
Strange, but even at this time, to be concerned about appearances, when, in the end, it will all be to make certain that the place I’ve left is in good order and that I look “presentable” when they find my breathless carcass amongst the leaves and twigs.
5 more days to the end of this month. But funny enough, last night Bob said something about taking a ride to Stowe to see the foliage and Lyle suggested that “the 4 of us” should do so on the week-end. “The week-end”; I’m watching the weather and figuring the logistics of going HOME. (To that point I keep thinking of a note to Pauline Marois: “You may have succeeded in stopping me from returning HOME to reside and LIVE, but you failed miserably at stopping me from coming HOME to die.”) – Oh well. The day is running along already. Lyle and Randy are still in bed. That miserably psychotic “cock-head spaniel”, Ellie, just HAD to start her barking shit as I returned to the room after all the work. But, in my heart, I AM aware of her past and that the problem is, more than likely, trauma and that she’s startled when somebody is moving about. And, in my heart, I understand that MORE than ANYbody will EVER realise. She and I have THAT in common. Now, if only I could figure out why Dixie has taken so closely to me. She follows me every-where and is SO attentive. Even last evening, when it was time to come back into the house after her evening “Frisbee”, Bob asked ME to get her to come into the house. Love? I don’t know. (I have pangs of guilt every time I think about her, and how, when I’m no longer here, she’ll have no-one to give her her play time.) – With this morning’s light, I have to get to the Hotel signs. They MUST be completed… as must Daisy’s garden sign… and there isn’t much time left. – Oh, and at some point in the day, probably this evening when Lyle and Bob are on errands, I have to cut my hair… and shave a bit. After all… even looking forward to laying on the ground… appearances. – 20.25 For some reason, I’ve been in “Tuesday” in my head and just now, when I saw that it’s actually Wednesday, it makes me physically sick to my stomach! WEDNESDAY! This week is going by too quickly! So too, this month has gone by entirely too quickly! – 23.48 and I’m still awake.7 degrees out there tonight. The windows in the room are a bit on the steamy/frosty side and there’s a distinct chill to the air – Well, as for the day? Imagine this: I got a HAIR-CUT in and a beard trim! Not too shoddy. Bob came to get Lyle at about noonish or just after and they went off on errands. I took the opportunity to have a 10z in the back barn and yes, I must say, it wasn’t quite long enough but it certainly was worth the time and effort. As it turned out, the timing was perfect… or almost just about. – So, since Randy and I were the only ones in the house, I next grabbed the Hoover and got to the carpet in “my” room. It needed it. Then did the hair-cut and beard trim. Randy wasn’t hungry, or so he said, and said that Bob and Lyle were going to eat out and that we should fix something for our-selves. I wanted to make the burgers from the real beef. But it’s frozen solid and cooking it from frozen would have murdered it. So, what I ended up doing was to put a burger bun and some cheese into a bowl of left-over cabbage soup and that’s what I had for “dinner”. (Plus a sandwich of baked potato and mayo, and for desert, chocolate syrup on whole wheat sandwich. Good food? Hardly! But something to eat, none-the-less.) Bob and Lyle returned JUST as I was drying my “dinner” dishes… early. – I went out for a while with Dixie and then up-stairs after a brief chat with Bob and Lyle. – I’ve been miserably tired all day and just can’t seem to kick it. So this evening, I took a 30 minute nap. WHY the fuck I’m still awake is beyond me. I’ve been shitting round with images for hours now and not producing anything. – Oh, I added the “What happens in….” to the Hotel sign, the wired them as a hanging pair of signs. Lyle wants “Franklin” added… in burnt orange with black trim. Not a problem, but I still have to finish Daisy’s sign and pack things and figure the logistics of how to get HOME this week-end… since this will be THE trip HOME. So much to do, and I’m too tired to do any of it. I just want to go to a corner of the yard, lay down and never get back up again. But, this isn’t HOME and I WILL be HOME! – Midnight. I’m going to “nap”. – SO BLOODY FUCKING HUNGRY!!!!! –
Thu.26.Sep: 6.46 HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOYCE! – Follow that with a full attack of S.C.I.A.T.I.C.A.!!! and the fact that it took me almost 45 minutes to get out of bed this morning. I’m SO thrilled… just SO FUCKING THRILLED!!! No warm clothes to wear, no pain killers (save, the ones for the trip HOME and I don’t even know if they work well or what the fuck they’ll do if I take even one at this juncture). 4 days to get over and through this shit and OUT of here. No smokes. No coffee. Oh, and a “O do fare thee well where e’erst thou dost travel” … again, and “I shall for e’er be in thy most bestest of friend-ship” (KRISTE HELP ME! I WANT TO PUKE! on top of e’ery-thing else!) e-mails. Honestly? Seriously? “I don’t know if I should keep e-mailing you…”? You know what? I do more for people I don’t consider to be “friends”. I’ve DONE more for people I barely consider acquaintances (point: vanZini?) – 7.34 back in from checking the garbage and, once again, Bob pulled it all out to the curb. Imagine? He’s got enough to do to get him-self off to work in the morning and he takes the extra time and effort to pull the trash. (I can’t help but think: Maybe it’s because I gathered it from the barn and he’s bringing it to the curb? That’s thoughtful. Really and truly. And even if it’s not that, it’s sweet that he does it.) – I just shot off an e-mail to Nancy, explaining my point of view about the difference between “friend” and “acquaintance” and giving examples and comparisons. Oh, I know it’s all going to back-fire on me and I’ll get some kind of patronising, condescending sarcasm or another. The “I’m so sorry” message… and still, there won’t be a damned thing done about any of it other than to turn it round and slam me. But, it’s off my mind and off my chest and let the shit begin to fly! – Now? I’m sitting, painfully, in the chair and ready to FINISH the signs so that I can get on with the rest of what has to be done before the week-end. And today is THURSDAY! Not much time remains. – Oddly, I’m not at all depressed about this. It’s not like the previous times when I was and saw going HOME as a forced action. This time it’s more: reality and sanity. There are no other options at this point. But… as I say: The PQ may have succeeded in keeping me from moving back to reside and live, but they won’t keep me from going back to die. And THAT has been my goal anyway… I want and need to go HOME in my older age and HOME is where I want to be for Eternity. That Province was my refuge, my Joy, my Peace. It will be again. Only this time, I won’t have to leave. – Now? On to the events and chores du jour. – 11.49 Well, the signs are done and the phone will die tomorrow… or tonight at mid-night, which means I won’t be able to re-new the PO Box either. So… no mailing address, no phone number, no way to apply for work… Looks like things are pretty well wrapped up. Since today is Thursday, I have only tomorrow left here. – Had to lie on the bed for about 45 minutes this morning to take the pain away for the brief while that works. My back is still in the worst condition. SO painful. This pain HAS to be gone by Friday night! Saturday morning, I have to be on the road to HOME. (I also need to get things packed and in order.) What a shame, really. This house sort of grew on me. But you know? Randy will be able to move into the room… or Bob and Lyle will no be able to rent to somebody who’ll be able to help them with their finances. (Yesterday, Randy said that they got the loan they’d applied for. That’ll help them tremendously, but they’ll now have those payments to make so they’ll need the extra income.) – Well then, I’m just waiting for the paint to dry on the signs. A few coats of some the fixative that I have (matte, and not really for weather-proofing, but it’ll have to do), and the work is done. – I still keep thinking of how easy it would have been for somebody to lend a helping hand before it all came to this. But there comes a time when we just have to admit that there’s nothing more and that’s that. For me, this is that point. Nothing will “help” and no one will “help” now. “Friends”… and people who have been so grateful… as long as they don’t have to “do” anything other than give a bit of lip service. – I’m tired anyway. 58 years… taking care of everybody else. Funny… Bruce, Joyce, Ev… others, they’ve all said that I’m keen on things other people say and I remember things. Others never had to “ask” for anything… like the flower beds and back barn here. Nobody “asked” me to do all that work but they said they’d like to have these things look good again. They do. Hey! Here, it even helped Bob and Lyle get that loan! AND… might just help them when it comes to Home Insurance now. (Too bad I couldn’t get to the front of the barn as well… but, we just can’t be “God” I suppose and there comes a time to admit to limitations.) – Noon. I’m feeling quite ill and in much pain. Time to take a stroll about, try to walk this pain out… in silence. – And, since there’s only but about 36 hours left, I may as well put this Journal back on-line. The previous Journals are up and available. May as well “finish the book”. – 12.56 Just added the links to ALL of the blog history/histories including the art and the prose essay work and as I post this, a thought:
I’VE REALLY BUSTED MY BONES AND BACK OVER THE YEARS. I OWE NOT ONE SOUL ON THIS EARTH A DAMNED SHIT!
FURTHER-MORE, THESE JOURNALS ARE MINE, AND THEY RECORD MY FEELINGS… THE ONES NOBODY ELSE GAVE A SHIT ABOUT!
17.07 the word of the moment is… PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! This sciatica is killing me. But I’m taking a break from working in the back garden and on the back barn door. Tried sitting for a while with Randy (Lyle and Bob are in BTV) but sitting only makes it worse. – The kitten is constipated beyond belief. Poor little thing. Makes me sick to think of it suffering. – And nothing from GFM (which, as I think of it today, could well be “Go Fuck Me”… and that’s more than likely what it will turn out to be). – As I opened this Journal I thought: Nancy is going to take the opening entry to be directed at her. And you know? Today, I just don’t give a fuck. Interpret away people! Knock yourselves into comas. I don’t give any more of a fuck about other people now than they’ve PROVEN they give about me! I’m fucking damned proud of how long I’ve lasted in spite of all the shit. And now, when I’ve tried everything I can think of, and not one motherfucker has any kind of positive input nor the time… NOT ONE MOTHERFUCKER! OK? OK! – Phone will be cut tonight. Storage will be gone on Monday, as will the PO Box. NOT ONE MOTHERFUCKER! ALL I needed was a JOB! NOT ONE MOTHERFUCKER! Right then. Back to the barn to work. Things need to be finished. – Meanwhile, I’m “too busy being angry”. – 20.23 It was, as I suspected and as I’ve been right about all along: There is no Nanc l’pants. Indeed. All is fine and dandy as long as “Chuckles” here is jolly and gay. But as soon as I open MY mouth and speak MY mind and heart I’M the shit-hole. I remember a conversation with Lou, many years ago, when he started becoming rather sharp with me (it was when he was seeing David and I wasn’t supposed to know). When I asked what was wrong, he replied: “You don’t make me laugh as much as you used to.” So… the “relationship was over. Yup, never changes. But you know? It doesn’t make any difference, because people like that were never really any kind of “friend” and really not worth having in life in the first place because all they wanted was the “good times”. Never get any deeper than that. Oh well… best to know and move along. – I’ve been in bed for the past hour, trying to get comfortable. The sciatica is out of control right now, but there’s nothing I can do about it but hope with all that it goes away over night. I have MOVING to do on the week-end! – I DID get a LITTLE gardening done this afternoon. It’s been over-cast and damp all day but sitting was painful, and standing all the time isn’t an option. So I thought I’d “work” this out. Tried to put a latch on the back barn door, but couldn’t find the stuff I need for that. Oh well… Dixie got a good 20 minutes of Frisbee in this evening… I sat on the steps and tossed, she caught almost every time! – When Bob and Lyle got in at about 18.00, Randy told Lyle about my back. Lyle offered “I have Aleve in the other room” and I remarked “You have to go so soon?” (a leave). He smirked and walked away. Hmmmm…. OK. No “funny”. When the sciatica was mentioned to Bob, he simply asked “What brought that on?” and didn’t really listen to my reply. (I was sitting on the recliner, trying to get into a position to stand up.) So… I wonder… usually when the shit starts flying, it keeps flying until something snaps. I wonder: rent is due in a couple of days, nothing’s been mentioned, am I on another shit-list? – Well, no matter what, “The Time” has come. – As for comments and commenting on this on-line Journal: It’s proof to me that my suspicions are correct and that people who jump to call themselves some-one else’s “friend” will, just as quickly as they become “friends”, become “gone”. Fuck it, really. I don’t need people in my life right now who’re basically out to bring me down and patronise. And there isn’t any time to trust anybody at all. So… – Closing: tonight my phone becomes an alarm clock and nothing much more. No service. No number. Buh bye. All things begin to disappear. I’ve never happened. – 20.23 It was, as I suspected and as I’ve been right about all along: There is no Nanc l’pants. Indeed. All is fine and dandy as long as “Chuckles” here is jolly and gay. But as soon as I open MY mouth and speak MY mind and heart I’M the shit-hole. I remember a conversation with Lou, many years ago, when he started becoming rather sharp with me (it was when he was seeing David and I wasn’t supposed to know). When I asked what was wrong, he replied: “You don’t make me laugh as much as you used to.” So… the “relationship was over. Yup, never changes. But you know? It doesn’t make any difference, because people like that were never really any kind of “friend” and really not worth having in life in the first place because all they wanted was the “good times”. Never get any deeper than that. Oh well… best to know and move along. – I’ve been in bed for the past hour, trying to get comfortable. The sciatica is out of control right now, but there’s nothing I can do about it but hope with all that it goes away over night. I have MOVING to do on the week-end! – I DID get a LITTLE gardening done this afternoon. It’s been over-cast and damp all day but sitting was painful, and standing all the time isn’t an option. So I thought I’d “work” this out. Tried to put a latch on the back barn door, but couldn’t find the stuff Ineed for that. Oh well… Dixie got a good 20 minutes of Frisbee in this evening… I sat on the steps and tossed, she caught almost every time! – When Bob and Lyle got in at about 18.00, Randy told Lyle about my back. Lyle offered “I have Aleve in the other room” and I remarked “You have to go so soon?” (a leave). He smirked and walked away. Hmmmm…. OK. No “funny”. When the sciatica was mentioned to Bob, he simply asked “What brought that on?” and didn’t really listen to my reply. (I was sitting on the recliner, trying to get into a position to stand up.) So… I wonder… usually when the shit starts flying, it keeps flying until something snaps. I wonder: rent is due in a couple of days, nothing’s been mentioned, am I on another shit-list? – Well, no matter what, “The Time” has come. – As for comments and commenting on this on-line Journal: It’s proof to me that my suspicions are correct and that people who jump to call themselves some-one else’s “friend” will, just as quickly as they become “friends”, become “gone”. Fuck it, really. I don’t need people in my life right now who’re basically out to bring me down and patronise. And there isn’t any time to trust anybody at all. So… – Closing: tonight my phone becomes an alarm clock and nothing much more. No service. No number. Buh bye. All things begin to disappear. I’ve never happened.
Fri.27.Sep: 6.50 Quite interesting this morning: I’m awake… AND THE CLOTHES ARE PACKED! Lights went out in this little room at about 22.00 last night and I was awake through the night, not being able to find a comfortable and “safe” position because of the sciatica. I didn’t sleep well at all. (The sound of the Canada geese as the sun rises this morning. They’re heading South. Tomorrow, I shall be heading North. Isn’t that cute? But I’ll be there when they return… come the Spring.) – And how odd: to be packing things, having no-where to put any of it. AND… not to be spiraling into one of my Depressions, yet, knowing full-well, that when I walk out the door of this house this time, there TRULY is only one place to go to… HOME, this time. A lovely little wooded area, far from the bustle of the rest of the World, that little piece of land that I’ve dreamt of for so many years, a little spot I can call “HOME”. Good thought, that it’s not in a Depression. It makes the travel that much more to look forward to. – And last night-into-this-morning, there’s been a thought: Eduardo Wilder told Nancy Lloyd that they had much in common where I’m concerned. He claimed that they both wanted “better” for me, to “help” me get on my feet and live a better quality of life… No, that wasn’t it, the commonality. The commonality is: when it came right down to it where I would be in true need of all the promises they’d made… THEY BOTH TURNED AND RAN! AND, IN THE FINAL ACT, THEY BOTH BLAMED ME for the hard feelings. When I actually came forward and said what it is that I needed, they both slammed the Grand Fuck-off in my face. Oh well. You see… NO, I don’t understand it. I don’t understand my own siblings packing my things behind my back, all the while, smiling in my face and telling me how much they appreciate my presence and how much “fun” they were having. As Michael (now dead, at the age of 19) said to his mother (my “sister”): “Will be be staying with us? I like him. He makes us laugh.” Yup. And sitting with his mother, my “sister”, having a beer and recounting some of the funnier and happier times of youth, she too was happy to have me round… and all the while, sharpening her machete and packing me up to toss me away. Chris’ signature on those papers, and her telling me, with trembling voice “It hurt me so much to do that. I didn’t WANT to. But Harry….” And Margot, with a plain and simple “You have to go now.” after telling how wonderful it was that I was there to help her, to make sure she was safe, and to speak French with her… and then to follow it up with something as drastic as some bull-shit court order lie. Adding to that: “You can go to the shelter.” Ah… the Shelter. Penelope with a 4-storey house and no room to spare. But then, she pulled the same shit on Tommy when he so needed a place… and all the while, she telling him and me how much she “loves” the both of us. (There’s a pattern developing here… and I hear Bob’s voice saying “All the major bull-shit in my life has been caused by bitches.” And I’m thinking: the pattern is here… even down to Eduardo… for that too, is quite the bitch. I continue…) And so, I stood at the entrance to the Shelter, that night, alone, signing-in at 9:11pm, alone, with no one to turn to, just a building full of strangers. I’d been in hospital for about a month, and no one bothered to phone to find out how I was. And it ended with a building full of strangers and me… alone… but with all those “self-proclaimed friends”. Imagine that! “Friends”. Just like right now… “Friends”. And here I sit, this morning, in silence, packing to walk out of this Life… just as I walked to the Shelter… with all those self-proclaimed “friends”… but not here. – Quickly adding: Bob’s statement… my troubles here, in the North Country: JSan, Tara, Diane, Fran, Tricia, Stacey, bitches. Pattern. Coincidence? Hmmm…. But there you have it. – Well, it’s 7.17 and the sun is rising o’er yon hill and there’s still a shit-load of packing to be done. There’s a bit of light gardening to be caught-up with in the North flower-bed, the front needs a bit of attention and the shrub in the back as well. I should cover Daisy’s garden for the Winter, so the weeds don’t come up in the Spring. And I need to finish the signs for the Hotel and the Garden. Much to do… no time… no time… no time… The week-end forecast is for delightful weather. May it be so. – 8.55 In packing, I found a few old Percocets. Ah… the memories of those! They must be about, oh, I don’t know, 3 years old? Anyway, the sciatica is still pinching away, though not as bad as yesterday, and there’s so much more that has to be done today so… I’ve tried… took a half. Let’s see how this works out. –
Meanwhile, a thought on self-proclaimed “friends”: How interesting it is that, these people make many promises of support and devotion, to be there when you need, to be there to help when help is what you need most… but, when the time comes and you actually DO need their help, they realise that they can’t help, or won’t help, either way, they never really meant that they would help, so they turn you round, put new meanings to your requests and even your pleas for help, project their failures onto you and the RUN like all Hell breaking lose, and there you are, more alone than you were in the first place and there they go, toddling off over the horizon, making you look like the shit. “Friends”.
– Wow… what an empty sort of feeling to this day. – 16.31 I finally got out of the house at noon, stiff with sciatica but able to walk about so, I got right to the yard-work and light gardening to clean things up. Done. When Lyle left with Bob for Lyle’s doctor appointment, the papers that I’d collected went into the burning barrel. My paper history here is… gone. All the social services, unemployment, banquing, storage…. everything is… gone. No trace of “me” is left. Anything that remains will be what I need to get HOME this week-end. Even the Hotel and Daisy’s Garden signs are done… save the framing. I’ll cut that wood a bit later. There’s just a little packing left to be done, but my back-pack is ready to go. All I need do is shower, dress and walk out the door. Done. – As I gardened today I thought: I grew up with family, close, loved family dying of all sorts of causes. Death was “normal” to me, even as a child. So, turning and walking out on me, walking away from me? Just another death. It’s what people do… die. So, un-follow, block, or what-ever you need to do to make yourself feel more powerful or controlling. Death is Death and it’s nothing unusual to me. – That Percocet didn’t really work today (or at least I don’t believe it did). But I just took another one. Just saying because as I sit here at last, I could actually nap. – Randy didn’t get up until almost 15.00 and he’s down-stairs. I should chat with him. – Oh! The kitten is SO constipated that it’s little body is BLOWN UP! Lyle found some advice to increase the formula and add mineral oil. Me? I think water would do it. Still, the poor creature is in pain… Life… everything begins being fucked right from the beginning… for some, it’s more painful than for others, for some others it becomes on-going. Poor kitten. I should have listened to my instincts. if I’m to suffer, it will be for the sake of that little creature. I’m honestly sorry for its suffering. May my life go and its comfort be secured. –
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Sat.28.Sep: 14.15 Alarm at 7… awake at 8. Sciatica again this morning. But not enough to keep me in the bed. One cigarette left. And I’m not in a place where no cigarettes is any good at all. So, I had a few drags at the window and finished the little touches on the Hotel sign. By about 10, Bob and Randy were awake. I went down-stairs, showed Bob the Hotel sign. It’s “rustic”. Nobody really cares much for it. I think they’re comparing it to the Garden sign. But, oh well. Bob had a wonderful idea as to how to hang it (the Hotel sign): put chain from bottom up over the top and back down! So, out the door and into the back yard and there, the chain was attached. Good? Yes. Great? I don’t know. But then, I wonder; would it make any difference at this juncture? I doubt it. So I hung the sign on the barn and there it is. – Meanwhile, John came by. I sat for a bit and chatted, but wasn’t in much mood for chitty-chat today. Too much is going through my head. All of my clothes are packed. All of my paper-work that I should be concerned about it burnt. Banque accounts are drained. 6 dollars CAD and 4 US to my name. I wanted a pack of cigarettes. I need to leave here. The weather is beautiful. The sky is clear. The sun is warm. I should leave today. The room is disorderly and the “work” I started isn’t done. And there’s been no mention of rent for October. Still, every time I “save” an image on the computer (even the ones I used this morning and have no further use for) I want to vomit. Every time I move about to “do” something, I want to vomit. – Well… I took my change, the CAD and the US and marched over to Deb, got to the counter, asked how much a pack of cigarettes would be… she rang it up, pushed her little buttons on the registre and 9,19! I gave her 9,20 in the combination and walked out with… – Bob, Lyle, Randy and Chica are out for a “Leaf Peeping” trip. Bob asked if I’d go but with this sciatica, there was no way I could have sat in the car for any length of time and I most certainly didn’t want to be a pain in the arse about my own pains. So, they all left. Oddly, I SO would have LOVED to have gone… they’re heading over to Richford and Troy!!! (Oh, Troy… and me with no phone service now… the bill didn’t get paid… the service is cut. More cause to vomit.) – Tuesday, I lose the PO Box and storage. And I still can’t get over the “HURT” of not one person even wanting to try to help in any fashion. But… bottom line? I’m “too busy being angry”. THAT won’t go away. – Just had the 2 left-over slices of zucchini bread and now? Back out to the yard to finish the Garden sign. I just needed to breathe for a moment. Moment’s done. – 22.30 I am too busy being angry…. We went out to John’s this evening. A log cabin, on a dirt road. 2 ponds and nothing all around. Silence when the conversation lagged. We brought a jug of blood mary and beer, and Lyle and Bob had a wonderful time. Randy got heart-burn from the bloody mary… and… he was quite tired tonight. But… silence… the silence… And the conversation was wonderful, non-stop. And it was such a tonic to my heart to be “in the North Country” tonight. And how the stars sprinkled the night sky! Nothing could compare! This is where I’ve come to die… I thought. Imagine? To be surrounded by such magnificence and thinking: Before it’s taken from me, this is where I need to end my existence. Imagine that. And we stayed for a while, sitting on the front porch, as evening turned to night, and real silence blanketed the Earth. I navigated: found the Big Dipper and figured the house faced South. And John commented that it was interesting that I should be able to do such a thing. And my Soul was at Peace. And I’m too busy being angry. – We left. It was a most pleasant and delightful evening. And the drive back was fun. Pointing out the hills that are not noticeable in a car, but SO noticeable on a bike. And the ride back to the house was a delight. – Back at the house, Bob, Lyle and I went out back and built a fire and sat. Lyle and I talked. He’s so happy about having a “family” in the house again. His Mum was so special to him… “best friend” he calls her. And I understand that… so very much… so very well. The dogs ran and ran and played in the Garden. Lyle said it must be his Mum’s energy in there. Perhaps so. Perhaps the Garden than meant so much to Daisy, now cleared and cleaned and ready to be re-planted… perhaps she’s happy, her energy is there. Her body is just beyond the property line, on the other side of the brook. She’s close by. I wonder, often, how she “feels” about having her flower beds and garden back; how she “feels” about having the barn coming back. And I feel like a shit. Jobless. Worthless. But I’ll leave this house better than it was when I arrived. And I’ll hope… HOPE… that those who are here will take the time to actually enjoy it. – We sat at the fire. Randy came into the house… cold. He’d gone to bed. I got the fire wood, we built a fire. Lyle expressed how happy he is for the first time in such a long while. There’s a “house” and a “home” for him again. There’s “family” here. (Me? I feel like shit… worthless… I do nothing but clean the yard and make signs. They need the income. I can’t provide that. Nobody else understands. And nobody’s there to give me a break. They don’t give a shit. I’m too busy being angry. I told Lyle about that. He talked it down. He said that I don’t take any time to be angry. He appreciates that I appreciate the nights like tonight, of looking at the stars. He was annoyed that I should be told that I give time to being angry. See? Nobody knows. Nobody understands. And nobody wants to take the time or the effort to know or to understand. Fuckem. Really. Just fuckem.) And as the night rolled along, Bob and I brought Lyle back into the house. Bob fed the kitten and made certain that Lyle took his insulin and such. They’ve gone to bed… together. It’s 22.48. The house is quiet. Bob and Lyle are together, as they should be. Randy is asleep in his bed with Chica at the pillow, as he should be. And I am in “my” room, alone, with the North window open (as it should not be tonight), as I should be. And I’m too busy being angry. That will never go away. – And I sit here, typing, and thinking of the beginning of the coming month: no phone, the little in storage to be gone, the Winter coming… I need to stop this, I need to get out and get off of this shit ride. There isn’t much time left. – But I think: When I leave, there will be this empty room and they’ll have to rent it to some-one.Their life-style is of such importance to them (Bob and Lyle) and having Randy and I here is integral to their comfort about that. Getting some-one else to take my place will be difficult for them. ButI have no way of providing income! And nobody is in my life to help. Fuckers… turn their backs against me when things get really tough, and the “honest reality” of Life sets in. “Friends”. I’ll send a letter. I’ll send a cheque to some-one else. But I won’t “do” anything to “help” YOU. “Friends”. This is how it is, how is was, how it always will be. People cannot ever be trusted for anything other than the fact that, ultimately, they will turn their backs and then twist it all against. I’ve lived with it. Pity the poor idiots who don’t see that. Fuck the damed shits who believe they can just do it and walk away. But there’s no sense dwelling on it. The morning will come and I will be out of here… There’s nothing that can be done about it. The World works that way sometimes. – It would be nice if somebody had the fucking compassion to help these guys. I don’t ask for help for me (I know better… THAT will NEVER happen). But it would be civil and HUMAN if somebody would come along to help this house-hold. And again, I know better. The comfortable people won’t lift a finger. Fuck! They won’t even click on a computer mouse button! And those who wish they could help? They truly can’t. I’ve been one of the latter. I know But shit, those who might believe in Karma? Today, I thought of what Silas told me: “You will have to re-live all the misery you’ve caused others before you find peace.” I hope those who have cause me such misery can handle living through what they’ve caused… but I doubt they can. So, as I breathe my last breaths… at HOME… may they inherit my pains and suddenly know… and may that education bring with it, even more pain. I live this way all the time. It’s time to pass that along. – I’ tired tonight. The Garden sign is almost done. I have to get the wood from the “garage” barn to the back barn tomorrow. There seems to always be something else that needs attention. But I don’t have much time. I need to attend to my own needs… and I will NOT leave the North Country… NOT EVER AGAIN. And if going HOME on my own terms is what it takes, so be it, that’s how it will be. The forecast is favourable. I’m going HOME. – 23.29 So it would seem that Nancy has found her way to her own inner peace. I’ve just received the expect e-mail telling me the expected. It wasn’t so different from Emmie’s “I prayed to Jesus on this and he said I’m OK.” People who dump people. And all I asked for was a mouse-click. As I thought this evening, earlier: I didn’t ask for money or things… I asked for support… support with others. To promote to others who can, my efforts. I didn’t ask for cash, for gifts, for things. I asked to become a supportive group of those who could offer some help. But that was too much to ask for. And now? The write-off. Oh well. There are signs to finish and yard work to be done and another new project that I’ll try in spite of the sciatica tomorrow. And all of this shit, like the days of the Shelter, will drift farther and farther away… like my dead Mum and her dead Mum and all the “Old World” that has died… and ever so soon… me too. And then? I’ll have MY PEACE and the rest can just rot in their self-created serenities. Tchau.
Sun.29.Sep: 9.48 JUST getting out of bed! – DREAM: Tall blonde woman, of no particular character or presence, in a shoddy sort of over-coat. A smaller woman, rather on the cheery side. I was to go grocery shopping with her… not “for” but “with. A drizzly sort of evening or day (it was ambiguous in the dream). The smaller woman and I entered the market, several people tried to cram their way in out of the drizzle. I stepped aside to wait for my “companion” and the tall woman, with a rather deepish voice said something to the effect of “If you don’t move out of the way….” I was leaning over to get a hand basket for myself and companion, and when I heard this comment I stood up and looked directly at the woman. (But as I did so, I was SO taken by MAJOR FATIGUE!!! I had NO energy to do anything, but…. I continued…) Very calmly I said “YOU do NOT speak to ME in THAT tone or I WILL kick the SHIT right the FUCK out of your ARSE!” She just looked at me with an almost condescending smirk and said nothing. I, expecting some sort of retaliation and getting none, was surprised and yet, in my fatigue, I continued to assault the woman with a barrage of such lines. Meanwhile, the companion-woman took a hand basket that I offered her, just smiled as she took the basket and, looking at her little shopping list said “What’s a piece of bacon for?” We made our way into the market.
I’ll have to work with this one during the day. Blonde: Nancy, Diane – Companion woman: Ev
Meanwhile, I have to finish the Garden sign and perhaps help Bob with the fence for the roses. It seems to be another beautiful day. My first thought of today: No mail and no storage on Tuesday. My second thought of the day: thanks so much for all the “help” and “support”. That’s to those who simply claim to be so “caring, sharing, loving and concerned”. As for Nancy? Thanks SO much for not disappointing me… kick ME in the fucking face, blame ME for YOUR ill feelings and then toss your shit at me in one final attempt at total injury? Right-Oh! I’m just TOO fucking busy being TOO fucking angry. And YOU can take a trip to Hell, dine on your own shit and drop. Thank YOU entirely TOO much, I’m SO sure. – 13 degrees and sunny. No more time to waste. OUT! WORK! Be angry! (Fuckalls.) – 15.07 WELL! Shit got done today…. albeit slowly. The Garden sign? DONE, DONE, DONE. Bob removed rose bushes from the side of the house by the stove vent. I transplanted most of them to the front (to hide the vent from street view) and a few to the North side flower-bed (just because… and Bob had suggested that). When I came in for a bit, I was offered a sandwich, and sat and had. I was (and still am) SO HUNGRY! And, all day, in pain. Sciatica is still there, but I think I’m “working” it out. Or, making it worse; I’m not certain which. Then, back out to get the old wood from the “garage/wood-shed” and stack it behind the barn. Bob took a spill in the wood-shed last week-end, in the dark, trying to get at the wood. And, most of it was wet, being on the dirt floor. So now it gets the chance to dry out and “cure”. And nobody has to go fumbling in the dark for it. (And all the while I keep thinking: Tomorrow is the “end”. Not even next week-end will I be round the camp-fire. But you know what? The place is tidy and the guys are comfy and that’s what matters most of all. – “Too busy being angry”. That’s me. Although I do have to admit that, in spite of the fact that I’m so used to this shit, it still gets to me how i got kicked in the teeth with that insult and when I said so, and commented, my words got spun and twisted round, and then thrown right back at me and the “blame and fault” was, again, tossed into my possession. Nancy’s quite like Liz… I have to say here too, that I saw that from the beginning. So all of this “apathetic” and “Mother Theresa” and the “I know what’s best for him” bull-shit comes as no surprise. Still, it makes me quite sick. – Speaking of which: I’m so tired today. It’s only 15.15. and I feel as though I should just clean up and lie down and go to sleep until tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe it’s a touch of depression. After all, I was thinking of something earlier and realised: I now have no phone! Next, no mailing address. Then nothing of my clothing, history, books, art, Winter things… nothing. All the paper-work here is now ash in the burning barrel. Clothes are so packed that I couldn’t find under-wear this morning for today. Gone. Just gone. And nobody wants to lift a finger or a dollar to help. Nothing to help. – “You’ve been through HELL and you still have a long way to go.” Isn’t that re-assuring? I want to puke. – Beautiful day though, weather-wise. Very clear, sunny, and just about hot. – 15.18 Lyle’s back from visiting with his Dad. I want to nap. I don’t know. Too tired to think. And thirsty too. But there’s no water in the room and there isn’t enough coffee left… Tired. – 24.03 For most of the day I was so tired that it was an actual effort to stay awake. The pain of the sciatica, the drain of thinking that I need to get out of this house in a matter of hours now, and not days, the thoughts of having to discuss this with Bob and Lyle, the back-stabbing of recent times and the trip to NYC, it all takes such a toll. But then, we had dinner… franks, and I ate well, then sat and chatted with Lyle for a bit about music and watched some tele with all this evening. At about 21.00,I SHOWERED and came to bed. That was 3 hours ago and now? The sciatica is killing me (but not quite as much as the annoyance of this lap-top) and again, tonight, as it’s time to get SLEEP, I just can’t seem to do that. Well, at least this time it isn’t depression… I’m apathetic about so much now. – The kitten has opened its eyes! I never thought it would ever have a chance at life and here it is, moving about, eating and becoming quite vocal. The other animals in the house seem to love it so much. Bob and Lyle attend to it religiously. Me?I avoid the little thing.. I can’t attach to anything at all, particularly this little creature who’s “life” I rather essentially saved by telling Bob and Lyle about it. I often wonder if I’m to be punished for the interference in the “Natural Order”. – Did I mention that I cleared the wood out of the barn/wood-shed? I believe I did. Yup, I believe I did… in spite of the pain of the sciatica. All I keep thinking as I work is: Keep moving, keep active, keep busy, remain animated, don’t stop. In one way I’m hoping to accomplish much more in much little time (?) before leaving, in another manner, I don’t want to appear lazy, and, most important, I’m striving toward breaking this body down to the absolute verge with no reserves for the trip HOME. Just to go and “go”. I have to leave here, I have no-where to go to. So? It’s just “time”. And as I say: now, I’m not at all depressed,the weather is due to be super the next couple of days and nights. Perfect. (I hope Dixie will move on quickly after I’m gone. I tend to worry about here of late.) – OK. It’s time to put the light out and try for some comfort and rest. Tomorrow I’m planning on getting to that cluttered corner in the front barn. Leave this place in order! – Besides… this piece of shit lap-top is aggravating me. – Enough… – JUST AS I WENT TO UP-DATE THIS PAGE, THE FUCKING LAP-TOP PUT ITSELF INTO “AIRPLANE MODE” AND DISCONNECTED ME FROM THE INTERNET! BULL-SHIT! – Quick PS: *I* got MYSELF out of the Shelter… NOT ONE FUCK-FACE SHIT gave me ANY help! When I ASKED for help, I got FUCK-FACE-SHIT-ALL. So, suck my shit hole. – Good-night.
Mon.30.Sep: 11.21 Another rather sleepless night… sciatica. But, up with the 6am alarm… and stuck in the bed… sciatica. Out of bed by 7am and right into the packing. It’s almost done. The month is done. Tomorrow I cease to exist. Tonight I’m sure there will have to be a discussion on the matter. I dread that. I just want to walk away in silence. – Got the urge to draw and write last night. Too bad. Too late. Oh well. It won’t matter. Nothing ever does, in the long run. – Beautiful day out there though. I think I’ll be “too busy being angry” in that corner of the barn. At least put some order to it for the guys. There’s really nothing else I can do. Not at this point in time, nor at this juncture. – 19.26 Imagine this: that corner of the front of the barn is… quite clean! Yes, I did it… today. It’s not perfect, because I can’t move the old cast iron cook stove nor the cast iron pot belly stove. But for the most part? It’s quite clean and clear (and I’m feeling the ramifications of the abuse to my body and back). But… what the fuck duck? It’s done… as far as I’m concerned. The only thing left to do, really, it to put the garbage out. And, well, I think that can be done by somebody else. And there’s SO MUCH fire wood behind the barn again! Lyle, Bob and Randy have enough to carry them quite through the rest of Autumn. I do hope they take advantage of it and use it and enjoy it every chance they get. – Me? Showered. Took half of the one Percocet that was left. In a few moments I’ll take the other half and get into bed. I don’t know about tomorrow. Richford, no matter what. Probably hitch, just in case I decide to go HOME from there. It’s my plan. – The room needs to be Hoovered a bit, the bed linens should be washed. I need to wash the clothes I wore cleaning the barn. I’ll do the clothes in the morning then head off. – I need to clean the lap-top tonight (or first thing in the morning) so that I can leave it for whom-ever wants it here. They’ve all got better quality lap-tops, but maybe they can sell this one. Hey! It’s some income. – And oh, they DID get the proceeds from the loan! I’m SO relieved. May it bring them happier times and peace of mind. Truly. – And as for the rest? I keep thinking of how grateful Moe and Ev were until the morning I left for the Shelter. How Nancy said she was “there” to “listen”. Today I told Randy about my annoyance with the fact that she (nor the rest of them, save 2) couldn’t be bothered with even a simply mouse-click. He agreed. In fact, he was rather surprised at how utterly lazy some people can be… not even a mouse-click. Oh well. You know? I keep thinking of what Silas said: You are doomed to re-live all the hurt and pain you cause others before you find peace. If that’s so… if I’ve caused hurt and pain, HAH! I doubt that so very much. There’s been no one who actually gave a shit enough for me to be able to cause hurt and pain. However, I leave “Karma” or what-the-fuck-ever to the rest of them as I leave. Good bye! Fare well. Auf wiedersehen. Adieu! – Annnnndddd…. Oh, Dinner was SO filing! Lasagna! And my portion was already on the plate when I got to table and it was amazing! (Last supper?) – So now? Up-date. Browse. Wait for the Percocet to “hit” (or not) and get into bed. I NEED sleep tonight. Hopefully the pain in the back will go away and leave me alone and not come back in the morning. – Good bye September. – 23.31 Just getting back into bed. It was about 21.00 and I was in bed, getting ready to transfer files off the lap-top when Lyle called up to say that “Sleepy Hollow” was coming on. I like that show and Lyle and I enjoy watching it together so I put on my jeans and went down to the living-room to watch. No Randy this evening so Lyle and I had an apple and watched the show. Then we had a few pretzels and watched a couple more shows and it was such a delight. All through, the thought of this possibly being my last night here is rather dismal. But, I won’t be able to pay my way, they need the income, not the company (though Lyle insists that Randy and I are the “family” who’ve brought “life” back into the house…) so I need to move and make this space available. Well, tomorrow is to be a busy day and the weather is supposed to hold through Tuesday. Still, the sooner I leave the better for all. – How charming and lovely to think of the “friends” who are so ready, willing and eager to “help”… by “being there” and “listening” but NEVER “doing”. “Friends”… bull-shit.
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