Tue.01.Oct: 8.04 Woke at 7.35, out of bed at 7.43. Coffee's in the press, white are in the basin, in from a smoke on a damp, grey but warm morning. But it's about the disturbing DREAM:
In a run-down part of a suburban town, small-town, tenements, back porches, 2 and 3-storey wood-frame houses with wood porches, in horrible repair, “old” laundry hanging all about, the “obviously poorer” part of town. Could have been Newburgh, but the place wasn't quite obvious. I was with a very meagre version of a Black Schmulik, though that wasn't his name. Some-how I “knew” him as “Mack”. I wanted to be “involved” with him, but he was, all too simply, a run-down, drug-addicted, straight, street-straight sort. We were, some-how, “chums”, as it were, though neither of us “trusted” one another very much at all, for obvious and perfectly good reasons. He came from the “inner” neighbourhood and I came from the “suburban” or “town”. We were standing on the 2nd storey porch, and I was planning on walking out to Oma's or Stewart Heights, I wanted him to come with, to get him out of the squalour, at least for the while, to visit with me. We had to walk a route that combined woods and the “Broadway/17K/Stewart Ave. route say, from Wisner (the slum, in the dream). “Mack” was hesitant and not pleasant about the idea. He wanted to go, but had some other “agenda” at the time... getting me drugged, addicted and into running them, to support the habit that I'd develop (according to his “plan”). I was, some-how, aware of the plan, but thought that, by bringing him away from the neighbour-hood, I could “change” that (and save my-self from harm as well). - There was a gal, “Rose” (or “Joan”... that was ambiguous), I believe her name was, a coloured gal who feigned some sort of “interest” in me. She had Ms. Joanie Diva's stature, almost to a “T”, as it were. Very clingy, always close by... too close, actually. She made me uncomfortable through the dream. She worked with the drug dealers and was always trying to recruit runners, pushers and dealers for her “boss”. Nasty disposition, but always artificially “sweet” to me, in order to persuade me or gain my confidence. - We were standing on the steep, wood steps between the 1st and 2nd storeys, talking. I had to run next door (in New Russia) to Alvin's, to check on the cat. When I approached the back door (to the actual house), Alvin and Vivian appeared in-side! They weren't due to return until the following day, but there they were. They came toward the door from inside the house, appearing from the darkness there-in. I knew them as Alvin and Vivian but in the dream, they were more along the “eccentric, rather 60s throw-back hippie sort, with long, thick, unruly, silver-grey hair. Both were rather “tanned”... sun-tanned, but DARK GREY! The grey wasn't odd in the dream but I commented: “That's amazing! You can see you've been away. I didn't know that a person could get that colour, to tan THAT deeply!” They dismissed my comment and we went to the back yard. Vivian looked across the yard toward Joan's, as if to check to see if she'd been properly attended in their absence. The both appeared to be displeased with/by something and Vivian walked over to Joan's, Alvin took a chair (“Adirondack”, of course), in the yard and proceeded to read a news-paper. “It's really a shame, what you've been through.” he said. I thought he was referring to the events that had transpired during their absence, with Joan, being so abusive, and out arguments, and the fact that we're no longer speaking (*how the reality became inter-twined in this dream is what I find most disturbing*). I went into a “calm tirade” about people taking advantage of others, yelling about “conditions critical” when it wasn't true, playing people for their compassion, being unkind, unfair, unjust and that I'd resolved to remove my-self from the cause. Alvin looked up, calmly, and said “I was talking about this...” and he held up the paper where there was a picture of an Israeli man, dancing, kicking his legs up. “Oh, the dance of battle.” I said. “If you have a need to kill your enemy, best to do it with dance. The photo shows dancing, but a proper kick, properly placed, can do what's necessary quickly. That war will be over very soon, as all the others before it. Those scum deserve it.” I suddenly became aware of the fact that my hair was a mess, all over, and that I wasn't wearing my kippa! I felt horribly uncomfortable, expecting some kind of nasty, judgmental remark to come from Alvin, so before that happened, I headed toward “home” to get the kippa on... “Home” being 6690, and having to be back too close to Joan... who was now with Vivian. I was EXTREMELY anxious about that fact, and not at all comfortably pleased. - Back on the stairs, with “Mack” and “Rose”, standing on the steps, “Mack” on the porch, I continued to try to talk him into taking the walk. “Have you EVER been out that way in your life?” I asked, meaning in the suburbs, out of the filth of the neighbour-hood there. “It's a bit through the woods, but it's perfectly safe.” I tried to assure him that it would be a good idea to get away. “Rose”, standing on the stairs lower, almost “stage-whispered” to me “You'll be selling for the rest of your life now.” and I suddenly became aware of the hypodermic needle she'd stuck in my leg as I was standing there. I'd felt NOTHING! She'd been injecting some kind of drug into me all the while I'd been talking with “Mack”! I didn't feel anything odd, but when she asked me how my leg felt, all I could say was “tingly-numb”. I KNEW what was going on but I didn't dare to make a loud scene about it. Looking down to the street (like a back lane in Montréal), I noticed a gathering of about 10 or 15 people, amongst them, 3 “police-men”. THEY were ALL in on the plot! And I some-how understood that, if I tried to harm anybody, especially “Rose” who was trying to harm me, those “police-men” would be on me! They wouldn't “arrest” me or inflict any severe harm/damage because the goal was to get me addicted so that I'd HAVE to run the drugs in order to get paid only just enough to support my own habit! But the results would be brutal! I was in severe and grave danger, and the needle was still in my leg. At that point I knew I couldn't make it safely down the stairs, because of the numbness in my right leg. I'd fall, be caught by the crowd below, and that would be the end, I'd be “captured”. I thought that, if I COULD manage to make it down, and through the crowd, they wouldn't draw attention to what they were doing and I could walk away... out to the “suburbs”, leaving them ALL, “Mack” and “Rose”, behind and some-how start a life over... out there, and never have to come back. But the trouble was... I had to make it down the stairs! And... I woke.
(8.43 and the “new phone” just rang... nobody on the line. And now I hear some moron at the PO already. Fuck... the morning has commenced. I wanted to get out for another smoke!) - 12.50 BED-ROOM WINDOWS ARE SEALED!!! And not looking too shoddy... considering it's my first attempt EVER! Today, I've gone “Official Red-neck” with the windows. And HAPPILY, there was MORE than enough plastic and tape to cover the windows perfectly well! Now, let's hope that when the sun hits, it doesn't shrink-up and pull away. But that's to be seen. - I just put the furnace on for a “trial”. I heard the thing start but it's been almost 3 minutes ... AND... WE HAVE A MOTOR RUNNING!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... THE FURNACE IS RUNNING!WARM AIR IS COMING UP... NOT VERY FAST, BUT IT'S COMING. AND THANKFULLY, THERE'S ONLY A SLIGHT SCENT OF “OIL” IN THE HOUSE. BUT THE FURNACE IS RUNNING! NOW... TO GET OIL (and perhaps, some “maintenance”?). I AM PREPPED FOR THE COLD! - 13.26 BANQUE-TO-BANQUE, COMMUNITY-TO-TICONDEROGA (SAVINGS) HAS BEEN “VERIFIED”! SO... *** Today, I have the bed-room windows prepped for the cold. The furnace has been tested and is running (though I have a feeling the thermostat isn't working because I had to use the “switch” to turn it off... because it got SO BLOODY HOT in here... fucking 22° out there!!!!). AND I can transfer funds into Ticonderoga, if need be, keeping my Soc.Sec. spread out and about.!!! THIS has been quite the day! (I'm worried, of course, because when things go well, that's when things go wrong.) - OH... AND I've RECONCILED accounts as well! *** - Now... for TEA TIME! - 18.46 THE RADIATOR HAS SHIPPED!!! DUE ON THURSDAY!!! AND FRIDAY NIGHT'S TEMPERATURE IS EXPECTED TO BE... TWO! 2°! I AM... AMAZED!!! - Meanwhile, I'm feeling “odd”. I've the notion that I filled the house with shit from the vents and ducts when I kicked-up the furnace. One reason why I do NOT like “forced air”. I'll have to ring Alden, to check if there's any “seasonal maintenance” due on the system. But I see that I'm going to have to “blow it out” when I kick it up for the season. One day, an hour or so, windows and doors open (in November). Well? I'm going to have a couple mugs of hot water tonight, before shower/bed. Hopefully, I'll flush what-ever's in my system causing this horrible fatigue and sore eyes, strange nose and such. - But the radiator has shipped! HEY! The windows are sealed. The furnace works. Radiators en route. At least I won't freeze this Winter! Oh... and EIGHT portions of beef in the freezer, some chicken in the fridge, a few tins of soup and some pasta in the cup-boards, ice cream in the freezer. FOOD! HEAT! And the propane is down to 60%!
80% of 50 gallons is 40 gallons (“Full Tank”)
10% of 40 gallons is 4 gallons
I've used 20% in 2 months so that's 10%/month or 4 gallons/month
If there's 60% in the tank now, that's 24 gallons.
With 24 gallons in the tank, using 4 gallons/month, I should have about SIX MONTHS remaining!
Considering the tank MUST be re-filled by 20% (leaving 8-10 gallons in there), I have, let's say, 14 gallons to “play with”
14 gallons at 4 gallons/month gives me 3,5 months before I MUST call for a re-fill which brings me to December!
IF I get enough HEAP, I might be able to swing oil and propane next month! (Of course, come December, there will be license, registration, inspection... and hopefully nothing “catastrophic” associated with the truck.) The “sparse and meagre” months just might come to an end when I thought they might: January/February! (And then I can die... of course... but I can do so at par... nothing more nor less than what I came into this world with... because what-ever will be in this house by then can either be tossed into the land-fill or put to the street or Thrift Store... ) I AM SO DONE! - And to think: this month I'm on “Severe Austerity”... but with a bit of added income. Let's roll along and see what's to come. If nothing else keeps me going, it's “CURIOSITY”. - And on Friday (or perhaps after work tomorrow... since I'll be across the street anyway), I'll drop by to check on my Medicaid... for schitzengiggles. HEY! I paid into all this shit all my life and got nothing... NOTHING! And as I came in from a smoke just now I realised: NYC DHS was supposed to get me a flat for 50$/month... they didn't; promised me a “furniture assistance”... I didn't get that; a “Savings match” which would have come to 2400$ when I left which would have given me 4800$ when I left... but I never got that either. So... MORE “benefits” that I didn't take, along with the “3 meals/day” and the linen exchanges, never mind the linen cleaning they calc into their “100$/client/day” that they received then. The most I've ever received of ANY sort of “benefits” was that month or so in Peninsula Hospital... and that's over the course of my life-time. Food Stamps? Fuck! I worked my fucking body to misery (literally), for 33 years I never saw a “tax refund”. I PAID for ALL of the “Food Stamps” I've gotten and now, going back to work? I'm paying again! Which reminds me: THAT'S going to have to be report to them too... and Food Stamps will be reduced... AGAIN! FUCK! Oh well... hopefully they won't go to 16$! Anyway... HEAP. FOOD. MEDICAL. I'VE PAID... IT'S TIME TO “BENEFIT FROM THE BENEFITS”! - That said, it's time to... what-ever, for how-ever long or short. THANKFULLY I don't have to worry about getting up on time for work... Noon... a nice time. - 23.17 Fresh out of the shower... the “quick” shower again tonight. No turning the water off. - “Meal” was the portion of beef, made into little meat-balls, in pasta fagioli soup with a bit of home-bread crumbled in. Ice cream for dessert. (And I had another ice cream on one of those horrible “apple fritters” a little while ago.) - Everything, as usual, was done by 18.00. The rest of the time? What-ever it was that I did, aside from a couple posts on JAK Minds. (Theresa started a “blog” and posted that I inspired her. Then posted that today, she had an appointment with a Neuropathist or Neurologist. Her neuropathy is spreading to her hands. I think I know how that feels. Anyway, I replied. And that covered a bit of time.- And tonight, there was a clap of thunder and the rains came pouring down! I thought for sure, it would drop the temperature, but it didn't. In fact, it's 23° in the bed-room! And NOT because of the plastic! It's WARM in here tonight. Ah... but Friday will be here too soon enough. One night of COLD! I should think that'll start the “change”. - Feeling a touch better than earlier though. - Tomorrow I'll have to check on Medicaid, give Alden a call about the furnace. After work... “After work”. HAH! I don't know why but I am a tad nervous about this job. It's not like it's “Life Or Death”, but I'd really rather be able to hold it for a while. Oh well... we shall see how it rolls. - So now, another hot water before bed. I'm a bit “gaseous” from the soup. Must to flush. Not to mention the general “ick” of the day. Flush the system! (AND, there's always that lingering FEAR... DREAD... of “UTI” again! I do NOT want another one of THOSE... EVER! Sadly, I don't know how I got that first one.) - I also have to “close” September on-line... it's still on the “local”! So I'm off to that and then... to BED!

Wed.02.Oct: 0.02 TIME FOR BED! Fuck! - 8.09 On the second coffee and a check of the météo. Me, I woke on my own at 7.17, got up, put coffee on, had a pee, took my vit.C, and went back to bed until the alarm (for 8.00, which is 7.47 anyway). No sense jumping up and about too early, since I'll be ready for a nap at noon, when I'm supposed to be starting work today. (Thankfully, only 3 hours and hopefully not with all sorts of customers. I almost dread that... but I need something to “purge” the Kevin Lothian spitting so this should be good “therapy” for that.). And the météo check? Well, it's raining out there. (The street light was still on at 7.17 when I first woke. Yes, it's “THAT” time of year already, but...) 18° at present, today's “high” is expected to be 16° and tonight? TONIGHT... 3°! HERE WE GO! And never mind THAT... Friday? The “HIGH” is expected to be 9° and Friday night... LOW of... 1°! We're heading into FREEZE! (If anybody takes my radiator, I'll have to hunt the bastard down for murder!) I'm thankful that the stove will heat the place a bit, that the furnace is working (for all it's worth). Ah... THIS is NOT “the old days” of “passing through the Adirondacks” as the snows obliterate the Northway. THIS is being IN the Adirondacks... as the freeze rolls in and EVERYTHING around is obliterated! - Anyway... another morning. And, to continue being “Thankful”... the house is warm enough. - Pillow cases in the soak whilst the little bits on the rack, in the living-room, continue to dry. They're taking TOO LONG! (Fuck this shit with not having a line to dry clothes on. I have to ponder that a bit more seriously. Winter's coming... It'll take MONTHS to dry a pair of socks at this rate.) - And so, I keep telling my-self: The PO closes at 11.00 which is about when I should be pondering leaving for work today. So anxieties are un-necessary. (Yep... I keep telling m'self that.) - So for now... on with what-ever can be accomplished in these remaining, early hours.- 19.30 and I feel like 22.30! It's 8° out there, going down to 3° tonight and the oven is on “Warm”, cycling, thankfully, the radiator is in the living-room at about 5,5. It's warm in the kitchen, “cool” in the bed-room and this evening I learnt that I CAN'T USE THE LITTLE HEATER IN THE BED-ROOM BECAUSE IT BLOWS THE DAMNED CIRCUIT BREAKER! FUCK ME! Hopefully, the out-let for the washer/dryer will hold the radiator in the kitchen because I see now, I'm going to NEED that one! (I'll probably need another one, but... nope. Not happening.) - Anyway... today, at work... 2,5 HOURS IN THE DAIRY COOLER! AND TOMORROW, THE “THREAT” OF BEING IN THE ICE CREAM FREEZER! ON THE COLDEST DAYS THUS FAR! Was it “difficult”? Damned right it was! I got my shirt (and 2 extras) and a “fleece”. Cute. “Fleece”. Does shit in a cooler. I'll have to bring a heavy jacket for the freezer now! AND GLOVES! But I got there 10 minutes early and left about 20 minutes after “shift”. No complaints though. Am I going to enjoy this job? Maybe. It wasn't bad today. “Paul” was helpful. Amanda was a rip to work with. It was rather “fun”. But then again... I didn't have to deal with the customers. No telling when THAT will hit. So for now... I'll just enjoy stocking. I don't mind that much at all... I just don't like being in the fucking COLD! - ONE NOTE, HOW-EVER... WHEN I GOT INTO THE TRUCK... ALL MY RADIO STATIONS HAVE BEEN RE-SET! AS IF THE POWER TO THE RADIO WENT OUT AT SOME POINT. FUCK! HERE WE GO... A-FUCKING-GAIN WITH BULL-SHIT AND THE TRUCK! - After work, I stopped at Soc.Svces. about Medicaid. All I got was a telephone number! Bull-shit! - Next, to Tops to get back my 1,41$ from shopping on Sunday. The ditz didn't bother scanning the coupons! But there was another flyer available with the same coupons so I can grab more butter... if I can find the money. - A stop at FamDoll for 2 packs of smokes (and some more air-oil and paper towels). THAT, I see, was 28,49USD and charged to me at 38,83CAD! Fucking nonsense! But, it had to be done... and thankfully, there's about 60USD left. CIBC... Hey! The card worked! FINE! - Rolled back into the house at 16.20, tried the “Medicaid” number and got a recorded referral to “on-line” and nothing more... Morons! Then changed into “house clothes” and by 17.04 sat down to meal and “The Five”. Shredded chicken, some veggies and 2 eggs, bread and butter, ice cream. Sadly... I was done eating before 18.00 and got right to the dishes. Now, the house is in order. Of course it is. - Today's “Fun Notes”: Ms. Biddy says Ms. Joanie is “pale grey”... “she's really very weak”. And today, for the while I was at work, there was literally NOBODY in New Russia! Megan, Eric, the folks across the way, Cliff and Mrs., Alvin and Vivian, even Jeff... GONE! And today, of all days, no “Home Aide” either! I stressed to Ms. Biddy that, should I know of anything going wrong with Ms. Joanie, of course I'll phone 911. I reiterated that I got the phone just for that purpose. Also, the sink in the PO leaks, as does my kitchen tap. And the sink in there is backing-up. I'm just going to say that there better NOT be ANY water damage in THIS place! - But, it was good to learn about Ms. Joanie's condition. And Ms. Biddy says Ms. Joanie hollered at somebody else about her “I'm dying.” Tomorrow, she goes back to the pulmonologist... and I wouldn't be surprised if she has another stay in hospital... this time, most likely... Plattsburgh. Oh... Winter's coming and it appears it's going to be one of those “typical mountain Winter” stories of tragedies. - Well, for now, the house is warm enough and I need a 20-minute shut-eye! - 23.06 And I'm sitting here in a SWEAT NOW! I just HOPE this heat holds through the night! For a while, it was quite comfy! But the forecast is still for 3° so... The radiator stays on high, to be sure. I just turned the oven off and am out for “last smoke” and a shower, following some soc.med. and an attempt to put my application for Medicaid on-line. (It's the fucking driver's license shit again! Morons! If I were here ILLEGALLY, I'd have better service.) Oh well... something to do with my morning coffee: ATTACK! But for now... time to get seriously clean and into bed! - 23.35 Out of the shower and off we go... 25° in the bed-room... I'm grabbing it whilst I may. Another day... done.

Thu.03.Oct: 8.06 In from smoke in the chill that is today, but the sun is working it's way up o'er yon mountains to the East and, to the West, the clouds are hanging on that horizon. Jeans and an old t-shirt are in the basin to soak, coffee in the press, vit.C is stuck in my chest (again), the oven has been on for abut 45 minutes, taking the chill in the house away and the “morning commuters” are rushing by. I woke at about 7-ish, got up to pee, turned on the oven, went back to bed, to sleep (and dream) until the alarm. Feeling some-what “rested”. And the place is generally “calm”. Very nice. - As for the DREAM... that was a bit on the “strange” order:
I was with some folks, “friends” or something, and had, with me, some sort of apparatus, a metal “box” with some sort of fan in it. (I'm not sure what it was for, but it had some kind of sexual purpose that wasn't clear, even in the dream.) I carried it in a case with a handle, something like an old suit-case, the old solid type. We all were supposed to attend some “do”, a street fair or festival, in The City, in The Village. I'd changed into “good” jeans and such to attend, but had to carry that thing with me. As I walked along, something in the case leaked, soapy water, but there was no water in the case. It ran down the out-side of my left leg and I had to find a place to go and change my jeans. I left the group, and headed for what I knew was a “back-room” bath-house, but when I walked into the alley-way, everything had changed and I found my-self in a bar! It was early in the after-noon and there wasn't much of a crowd, but it was a place I knew, for some reason, and I suspected there were people there whom I knew as well. Being shocked at the change, I thought, perhaps, I'd walked into the wrong entry-way, but strolled in, round the back of the bar and headed toward the exit, as if I was there, looking for some-body in particular, but knowing that I looked as if I'd made a mistake. It was, in the dream, important to me to look as though I was there with a purpose. People stared a bit at me. I thought I looked “lost”, and that bothered be, terribly. And I was very concerned about bumping into anybody I knew... or who knew me. I didn't want to see either. The bar was clean, brightly lit, most of the people were obviously tourists, visiting for the “affair”. I made it through the bar and back out to the street and took a look at the row of “old ware-houses” and the likes. Suddenly, none of it looked familiar, but I knew that, some-where, there was a “back alley” of sorts, and an entrance into an “after-hours” kind of “bath-house” where I could pop in, get a little “room” or “cubby” and change my jeans. I just couldn't find the correct entrance to it! The streets were filling with people. The “festival” was about to begin, and the left leg of my jeans was obviously wet, and soapy. I was exasperated, and considering just letting it be as it was. And... I woke.
Another one of those “WTF is THAT all about?” dreams. - And so, that's the beginning of this day. - I'm a bit pre-occupied with the pending arrival of the new radiator, wondering where, exactly, I'll put it... especially now that I know that the circuitry in this place can't handle very much. The kitchen would be best, in the alcove/cubby for the washer/dryer where I store the clothes-dryer now. Well, we shall see when the time comes. - And this nonsense of the vitamins stuck in my gut, as happened once before, at 5199, is annoying and concerning. This is NO day for such bull-shit... especially if I'm expected to spend time in the FREEZER this after-noon, which I suspect will be the case. And I'm not looking forward to that either. - OK. Fine. Perhaps I'll use the morning to check on Medicaid? (I'm a bit concerned today because I, being the moron that I am, told Cindy Heald, yesterday, that I've got a little job and she immediately said “You'll have to report that to your worker. Bring in your first pay-cheque stub.” This job is going to fuck with my FS... and, no doubt, Medicaid. Hopefully, having only 6-9 hours per week won't effect too awfully much. But having the Soc.Sec. as well, more than likely will put me into some sort of “bracket”. Honestly... the most aggravating aspect is that ILLEGALS receive more services at no cost to them. Trying to be “honest” just gets one fucked... and NOT in a pleasant way. - But, the oven is taking the morning chill out of the house, quite nicely, and I've got a little laundry to be done... and COFFEE, which I HOPE will get rid of the vitamins that are stuck there, in my chest. - 16.31 AND TWO RADIATORS ARE WARMING THIS PLACE UP EVER SO NICELY! (And I just popped over to Ms. Diva's, having heard a bit of thumping about over there. When I knocked on the door, she was standing at the sink. I didn't open the door and she barely turned her head. I called through the door “Just checking to make sure it was you.” “Why?” said she. “Because I knew you'd gone out and I heard some noises.” said I. And I came back in. Fuck you, very much. - Now... back to ME! The day at work went well. I spent a lot of time in the cooler, not much time in tne freezer, thankfully. The guy who handles all the freezer-stuff and I worked together for about 45 minutes before I left. Got to clean-up the garbage, check the gas pumps for garbage and to re-fill the “windshield washer” bins. Kept quit busy today. It was a bit easier in the cooler too. I wore the “fleece” and my “out-side” sherpa! And gloves in the freezer. Oddly enough, as Amanda and I were reviewing the day, a FedEx truck stopped for gas and I jokingly said “I wonder if he has my delivery.” and let it go. Got into the truck and headed home. WELL! it was 15.36 when THE RADIATOR ARRIVED!!! I'd JUST finished changing into “house clothes” when FedEx arrived! TIMING! I un-packed the new one, plugged it in to start it up, put the other one (which I'd put in the kitchen this morning) on as well and got to registering the new one, on-line. Had a quick “chat” with “Kelly”, on-line, to thank The Trio again and to include a link to my TrustPilot review. - And now, the radiator boxes are my “night-stand” at bed-side, the radiators are working to keep the chill off the air in the house (and doing well at it). I'm having a tea and it's time to prep “meal”! QUITE the day! And I'm relieved to have these radiators today... because it's been about 10° all day and due to plummet tonight and tomorrow. THIS will be a great test for these radiators... and this house. - Time to take a breath and cook! Left-over chicken... and probably the same thing I had last night. But... it's FOOD... and there's HEAT... and THOSE are EXTREMELY important... and I get to COOK, eat and control the temperature in here. (AND... the BILLS ARE PAID!) - 19.06 Just off the phone with DONNA! SHE CALLLED... just to chat! She rang just as I'd finished putting all the dishes away which was at about 17.55! I wish I could say how GREAT it is to talk with her. It's as I said before we rang off: It's like I've been re-connected with my sisters! She and Dorothy have ALWAYS been more like my siblings, they've always been my “Family”, and no matter how many miles or how long the time that's been put between us, we managed to be together. Now THERE'S *** FAMILY ***!!! And I'm ecstatic to say so. - Meanwhile, on ANOTHER GREAT NOTE: THE TWO RADIATORS ARE KEEPING THIS PLACE SO WARM! COMFY! COZY, EVEN! They've both been on, one in the living-room, the other in the kitchen, and it's actually noticeably warm in here. Not really so “too” much in the bed-room, but even THAT'S warmer! Hopefully it won't jack the electric bill up too high, but I'll be making-up for it when there's oil in the tank for the furnace. Meanwhile... unless the temperatures drop into the double-digit minuses, these should keep the place quite well! Not to mention, I've figured a way to have the kitchen radiator in a place where it's just in front of the clothes-drying rack so my wash will dry better now too! Heat the house, dry the laundry. Oh, and because I registered the second one on-line with my account with deLonghi... I now have 10% OFF on my NEXT purchase! (Another radiator... if need be OR an espresso maker!) Well... WOOHOO FOR ME, THEN! - But at this moment, I DO believe I'm going for a “20-minute shut-eye”. No nap all day again and it's taking its toll. 20 minutes. Let's see how that works out for me then. - I still can't believe I was just talking with Donna. - 23.14 Got carried away with posting to the “old” NBG forum (with pictures... which should confuse the shit out of those idiots on there). So NOW... it's time for a shower... and a second wind... and the hopes for sleep! - Thankfully the house is “cozy”... though the loo and bed-room are a tiny bit chilly. Still... better than freezing in here! Thanks to deLonghi! - 23.55 Shower is done. One more hot water before bed. - My fingers, on my right hand, are cracked... from the cold at work. THIS is not going to float. Hopefully, things will change and I'll be out of the cooler... soon. - But the radiators are set at “5” not full, at “6” and it's quite comfy now. It takes a while, but they DO work. Although, it's not “bitter” out-side either. Tomorrow night will tell. - I'm making a list of “things that need attending” in the next few days. And all the while, I keep telling my-self: there's no need to be up and about at any particular time tomorrow. Bread-making is on that list though, to be sure. There's milk going in the fridge and what I don't use tomorrow will have to be frozen. - Other than that... the day is coming to an end, at last! And the bed-room is comfy too, so, that's very nice, indeed. - SO much that will be coming due soon: the truck, for the first and foremost. I'll MUST to keep my fingers OFF the “pay-cheque”! - Anyhoo... it's warm enough in here tonight and THAT is probably THE MOST important issue of the season.

Fri.04.Oct: 1.16 Off to bed... at last! Minds... took my time. - 8.44 and so much for thought of not bothering to get out of bed... I heard the alarm, turned it off, had a pee, set another for 30 minutes later and... at 8.25 was up and about, coffee on, under-items in the basin to soak, I'm dressed and in from a smoke on this 6° morning, and watching tufts of mist rising through the trees on yon mountains. And yes, high for the day of 10, low for the night of.. 1! Right now it's “comfortable” in the house. Tonight will be a “test” (of the emergency heating system...) to be sure. - And it's a “poor respiratory” morning. Much “tension” in the chest. I've little doubt it has much to do with al the time in coolers and freezers. Hopefully, “things” will “settle” o'er the next couple of days... recuperation. If yes, spiffy. If no, oh well. One must bear in mind... “I've come 'home' to die” anyway. - And I hear Ms. Biddy's arrival next door. So this day is officially “On”. Let's see where it's been, when it rolls along to “off”. Shall we? Of course. - Oddly, the older phone has no “bookmarks” on the browser. I had quite a few of them.. like my own domains and the likes. Oh, the sweet mysteries of technology... and the fuckery of those who engage. It's a grand time to be “old”... the intrusions are sickening. - 10.21
TIME TO MOVE AGAIN! JUST BACK FROM PO WHERE I HEAR Ms. DIVA TOLD Ms. BIDDY THAT I WAS “STARING IN HER WINDOWS”!!! YEP. I KNEW IT! FUCKED! TURN IT TO BULL-SHIT! FUCKING VERMONT QUNT! WELL... BIDDY GOT AN EAR-FUL AND PERMISSION TO SPREAD THE WORD... I AM THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! FUCK THIS SHIT! I'VE NO FUCKING PATIENCE FOR ANY OF THIS ANY LONGER! FUCK THIS HOUSE! FUCK THESE IDIOTS! FUCK THIS NONSENSE! I CAN'T PUT UP WITH IT ANY LONGER! FUCK THE QUNT! FUCK IT ALL. TIME TO RE-POST THE ADVERT... DONE DEAL! - 12.08 AND HERE WE GO AGAIN... THREE POSTS TO CRGSLST FOR A NEW PLACE. FUCKING WASTED MY ENTIRE MORNING, NOT TO MENTION, SOURED MY STOMACH. FUCKING QUNT. WELL? IT'S NOT LIKE I DIDN'T REALLY EXPECT THIS BULL-SHIT. “VERMONT”. FUCKING QUNTS... THE LOT OF THEM. SO LET'S SEE HOW THIS ALL TURNS OUT. NOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HOLD THIS LITTLE “JOB” FOR A WHILE... NOW I NEED “MOVING MONEY”! FUCKING QUNT, THAT ONE. CAUSING ME MORE BULL-SHIT THAN I CARE TO PONDER AT THE MOMENT. FUCK. ALL THIS BULL-SHIT BECAUSE I WAS CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO GO OVER THERE YESTERDAY EVENING TO CHECK ON HER. *** QUNT *** BLOODY *** QUNT *** BLOODY *** VERMONT *** QUNT ***!!! I'D HEARD SOME "THUMPING" SO I STEPPED OUT THE BACK DOOR AND LOOKED INTO HER KITCHEN WHERE I SAW HER LEANING, AS SHE USUALLY DOES, OVER HER SINK. SO I WENT TO THE DOOR AND KNOCKED. SHE GAVE ME A SIDE GLANCE. I SAID "I JUST CAME TO MAKE SURE IT WAS YOU AND THAT YOU'RE OK." "WHY?" SHE SNAPPED AT ME. "BECAUSE I HEARD A NOISE AND WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OK." I SAID, AND I LEFT, CAME BACK INTO THE HOUSE. *** FUCK ME? NO! FUCK HER! FUCKING *** BLOODY-FUCKING *** QUNT!!! I'M FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT! I LEFT THAT FUCKING BULL-SHIT 100 MILES AWAY... ONLY TO COME RIGHT BACK INTO IT. AS I SAY: SHE MADE THE MISTAKE OF TELLING ME THAT SHE WAS BORN IN MIDDLEBURY. FUCKING VERMONT SHIT!
MEANWHILE... I HAVE AN “INTEREST” IN THE OLD TOOL BOX AT 45$ GUY'S IN E-TOWN, SAYS HE'LL BE ROUND ABOUT 16.30 TO HAVE A LOOK. AT THIS POINT, I'VE GOT THE BOX AT 45 AND THE OTHER WRENCHES AT 30. I'LL OFFER BOTH FOR 60 AND SEE HOW THAT FLOATS. IN ANY EVENT... ANY INCOME AND FEWER THINGS TO MOVE AGAIN WILL BE A BLESSING. I CAN ONLY HOPE. (Fucking shame this... if that futon was still available in Essex and I wasn't thinking “moving”... Oh well and alas.) - OK... now to see what we can salvage of this day. I've a little list of “To Do”... let's see where it gets me. No sense giving the qunt any more of my life-time. - 13.44 and there are TWO loaves of bread semi-rising in TWO bowls. The fucking yeast is too old. Hopefully they'll rise enough to come out at the end as “bread”. The house is “settled” neatly, and my guts are in knots ... again. I did get the washing done, got the bread started, house in order. No mail today, save the paper. And the breezes are blowing, chilly but not horrific... yet. The house is comfortably warm, but the world hasn't gone “freezing” yet. Tonight we'll know for certain. - Honestly? My head is throbbing, my guts are wrenching. I expect some sort of bull-shit conflict/confrontation from the Ms. Biddy... she is, after all... “Vermont”. HOW... in ALL of the places on Earth, did I manage to move 100 miles away only to settle in the exact same bull-shit? Bad enough we carry US with us no matter where we go. I've got to deal with the bull-shit from others too? Fukkit! And I won't be surprised if I get some sort of call from Alden saying “I don't think this is going to work out.” Nope... won't be surprised at all. What I'd like to do is get a good book, draw the curtains, get back into bed and do what I thought I'd do today: NOT get out of bed! But... the day rolls... the shit will too, if that's how it's to be. Bottom line: My rent's paid through November. Saves me 500$ for next month... should the need present. Fucking piss: 3 months on a 1 year PO Box, a hefty tank of propane I paid for, HEAP to come in some weeks from now to cover heating oil for a while. Change of address on banque and such. Honestly? And ANOTHER FUCKING VERMONT QUNT FUCKS THINGS ABOUT! Well, let's just see how this rolls. One way or another, the search for silence and serenity continues. - 18.49 and I am of the feeling that tonight is going to be an “early to bed” night. I'm tired... in spite of a 30-minute “half-sleep” nap just before 16.00 today. - NO SHOW ON THE WRENCHES. Not that I'm at all surprised. Oh well. No prob. Hopefully, it won't come along tomorrow. But, if it does, so be that too. - This whole ordeal of being accused.. A-FUCKING-GAIN, of BULL-SHIT is wearing me down. I was just out for a smoke, meal (a burger cooked in tomato soup with a half Ramen followed with ice cream) being complete, dishes done as well (of course) and all I could think of is how I was looking forward to hunkering down this Winter... in these mountains, in this little hamlet. Well, FUCK THAT! Now, instead, I'm back into “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” mode... A-FUCKING-GAIN. Vermont qunts... A-FUCKING-GAIN! (And I hear voices in the yard... she's probably out there taking shit about me again.) I just don't quite understand the mental instability of “those people”. I shouldn't allow it all to get to me so much. But it does. So I'll be looking forward to ANOTHER town of people to and with whom I don't speak. Shame I'm on the work schedule for next week. I'd actually quit at this juncture. Well, there's Monday night... I can put in the word then... best to “sleep on it” all though. We'll see what the week-end brings. (I expect more shit than much else though.) AND, now I'm sitting here wondering if the old fuck isn't fucking with my truck as well. Yep... it's right back in Fuklin again. JEEZUS KRISTE! - As I say... an early night. If for no other reason, to avoid all of this. It COULD be quite depressing. Makes me sick... to my stomach. - I see the thermometer on the front porch is reading 50F. There are dark clouds floating down from the North. HERE WE GO! The house is comfortable right now. I'll just hope it stays that way. At least the radiators will keep a full-freeze out. And if need be, in the morning, there's always the oven. - Time to “amuse”... then... what-ever. - 22.35 AND IT'S 6° out there BUT IN HERE... IT'S COMFORTABLE... thus far. BUT IT'S SUPPOSED TO DROP TO MINUS1° TONIGHT! SO... THIS IS GOING TO BE QUITE THE TEST OF THE RADIATORS! - (22.46) Just in from a smoke and it's not really all THAT cold out there... but the air is so still that my smoke just hung at the end of the porch. Goodness! Winter is coming! - Meanwhile, I've just finished the graphic for this month so I'm going to post tonight. - And I've been sitting here listening to music (just poured the last of the vodka for a v-ton. It's a bit on the “hefty” side but tonight? I FUCKING EARNED THIS! The fucking drink, the fucking music... living my own fucking “life” (for all it's worth). But the important issue is that this house is NOT FREEZING! AT LONG LAST! And “pine” candle at table, the “Grey Mist” in the bed-room. Music. Beverage. SHIT! - Anyway... let me get this posted. It's getting “late”... as if... - 23.07 All Journals are to-date! AND THE DREAM ON THE 1ST OF THE MONTH? JOAN CRANE! “BACK PORCH”, OLD, WOOD... TRYING TO DO ME IN BY STABBING ME (WITH A HYPO)! JOAN CRANE! VERMONT QUNT! THE JAB'S BEEN MADE... SHE'S FUCKING WITH MY REPUTATION HERE BY MAKING IT APPEAR I STARE INTO HER WINDOW. THE FUCKING DREAM! Well! At least it's come to pass. Now it's time for me to do like-wise. - “Let's Stay Together” is playing... iPod... Viv speakers. Quite the night. -

Sat.05.Oct: 1.00 and the v-ton is done... I'd like another but I really should ought to get to bed anyway. Another fucking day... - 8.32 Well... here we go again. I turned the “alarm” off last night (this morning), to see how long I'd stay in bed. Woke at about 8.05. Fine. I read only about 3-4 pages before going to sleep so that was obviously enough of that (sleep). Coffee's in the press and I stepped out for a smoke. The thermometer on the porch reads 23F and I see from météo that it's 1° (with a chill of -1°). Last night was “heavy frost” to be sure. The marigolds in the little “garden” show it. The “green” leaves are almost black. Winter has rolled in. Temperature in the bed-room is 20°. When I went to bed last night it was 24°. And as for the rest of the house, it's not “hot” but it's a FAR, FAR CRY from the freezes that I've been in... in Richford, 5225 an 5199. THAT'S for certain. The radiators are working... well-enough, indeed. As much as I don't want time to pass too quickly, I'll be counting the days now until I can fill the oil tank, and have that as a back-up... but there's always the oven. (My electric bill is going to be a “whammy” when the “balance” comes due. But better to fret that at the time when, than to sit here frozen to the core... again.) - Ms. Biddy has arrived next door... thump thump on the front porch. And the morning is in session. I've resolved to stay the fuck away from this village. There's no need to hear the fucking chirping of the town's folk. And indeed, I have “things” to keep me busy in here. (I just don't like the notion of going to work in town any longer... now, not only because of too much time in the fucking freezes, but because of the people. Though, I doubt the folks here will spend too much time in Stewart's. Although, I'm SURE that the nasty rumours of me being some sort of “pervert” (as Donna put it yesterday) will get around. Oh well... we'll see. Thankfully, I don't worry about having the job... NEEDING the job. I can calmly just say “This isn't going to work-out well.” and calmly back away. (Let's see what comes of my adverts... I'd truly like to stay in the mountains, but if need be, the flatlands of the North will be wonderful. It does mean having to change addresses again, find yet another banque (I'll have to check, but I don't believe there's a Ticonderoga Banque up that far). And it's all in “Clinton” county, which doesn't set well in my gut either. But... these are the days... the times.. the bull-shit. Besides, there are supermarkets and the likes up there. And necessities are closer. All will be fine. (Just PLEASE, that the truck holds!) - Feeling only just the slightest touch of this morning's beverage... but honestly, it's no different from any other morning. Heavy-chested and nasally congested. Ah... morning. My stomach's a touch “off”. But then, “nerves”. Fuck. I'll work on just divesting and dismissing this bull-shit... and roll along. As Donna put it “Better to go places and see things than to spend a life-time being bored in the same place all your life.” Moving... moving, moving, moving. Fine. At least I'm in NY and NOT in that shit-hole across the way. - Time to roll. The day has begun... (bang bang bang through the wall... I can get away from that shit too). - 12.39 Up from a nap of about 45 minutes... no alarm. There was “no cause for alarm”. Didn't have anything “pressing” and didn't want to be out the door whilst anybody was in town. And so, the sun is high in the sky, the air's warmed from this morning. That large moth is still at the bed-room window in the same place it was yesterday. Poor thing... there in last night's chill. There's a vehicle in the drive. Ms. Diva's entertaining or something. But the place is quite and that's all I care about. I wish I had a table in the back room, where the sun is drenching the space. I could be doing some kind of “artsy” stuff. Alas. - And I must note that I'm not feeling altogether “well” today. Heavy-chested, light-headed. Can't tell whether it's respiratory or left-overs from that one beverage last night. I see it here as a “Pepino Belcastro” who wanted, so very much to get out of NY and to his place in Florida... went through the Hell of moving and 2 weeks later, found dead. Yep... I've said I wanted to come “home to die”... Looks like that's what I'm going to get. Probably, at this rate, won't make it through the Winter. Oh well. It has to happen eventually. Hopefully there won't be any “medical intervention” involved. Dying in this house isn't exactly “perfect”, but it's a HELL of a lot better than being in some ramshackle excuse for a “hospital”. Besides... if I'm put in Plattsburgh... it's UVM! Fucking Vermont again. As mother said: There is no “Hell”, THIS is “Hell”; after this is only peace. - On with tea and the latest bread. - 17.33 late meal of a burger, some veggies, half block of Ramen... all in the pot... and for schitzengiggles... a splash of apple cider vinegar! Why, the fuck, not? Eh? - I tried my “brilliant” notion of cutting corners into sheets of copy paper, to create a binder of biz cards... Fucked about 20 sheets of paper! Nope. It does NOT work properly. I just have to spend the time and money and get the proper inserts. Fuck me. (Plattsburgh... or Amazon, of course.) - Other-wise, I did check the windows today, for air. They seem “solid”. But I'll keep that stripping handy... one never knows. - And Ms. Diva went out for a bit. I had a smoke on the porch and noticed her car gone. Good thing I managed to smoke and get back in before it returned... though, at this point, I'll just tell her she'll have to put up with it until I leave... and THAT should be, I CAN ONLY HOPE... not soon enough. THEN she can go back to living with the trash she's accustomed to... by birth. I'm not mincing anything with the old qunt any more. - On that note... time to slop the slop on the plate, watch something on-line... I can't believe this day has gone by already. - Note: Thankfully, it's 25° in the bed-room... may it stay so. It's not bad out-side... and the sun coming in through the Southern windows is a help. - 24.17 Nope... NOT letting this one go by. I'm still up and typing and just finishing the soc.med. Was going to take a shower. Have decided not to bother. I'll have to take one tomorrow night anyway... for work on Monday. (Shit.) - But it's 3° out there with a “chill” of 2. It's supposed to go down to 2 with a chill of -1 again. Let's see how these radiators hold up. So far, so good. - Haven't done shit all evening. This bull-shit about having to move again is getting to me... again. Oh well. - Time to wrap all of this up and get a nap... another “nap”. Tomorrow? Into town... I need smokes.

Sun.06.Oct: 9.28 and I slept-in until 9.17! Imagine that. But coffee's on and I'm in from a smoke on this greying, rather comfy-cool morn. Watching the heavier clouds float, at their leisure, across the mountains and in from the West. 10°, up to 16 with bits of averses to come this after-noon... which is spiffy because that's when I'll have to be on the road for smokes. OK. Tomorrow, perhaps orages. Gee... and I get to look forward to heading our to work as the day turns to night and I get to return in the dark. Not to mention, a few hours in the coolers (I've no doubt). I don't look forward to working at the registres, really, not any more, with all this shit happening here, at the “home”. (There's always “something”, so it would seem.) But I certainly don't look forward to 2-3 hours in the coolers and freezers. Well. Perhaps maybe, we'll see where it all goes when the store moves. Météo says “l'été des Indiens” due this week though, for about 4 days or so. Temps in the teens during the day, mid-single-digits at night, though. Not that I see any chance of putting the radiators off. Then though, Monday and Thursday, they'll be off whilst I'm away anyway, or turned quite low (probably off, because I don't much like the notion of having things like that running whilst I'm not here). Coming back will be a bit of a chill, I've no doubt. Ah... but there's the oven to kick things into warmer and then to be picked up by the radiators. And at least I don't have to be concerned about Tuesday-Wednesday... Yom Kippur. What I'll do about that is to be seen. “Repentance” for something? I'm at the point in my existence where I DO believe I've done my “repentance”. But there's the “tradition” of it. Not to mention, “fasting” isn't anything “odd” for me. I've done a LOT of that through the course of my life-time... “Starvation” and “hunger” aren't out of the “norm”. Anyway... we shall see what we shall see. (It would be nice if I could find a synagogue... but not having that is just part of my eternal “repentance”, as I see it.) - And so, another day is upon us. Let's see what we can “do” with this one. (I'm just waiting for coffee and a BM at the moment. Oh, the “little things in life”.) - Fukkit. - 21.56 I CAN;T BELIEVE THIS! LAST NIGHT AT THIS TIME, THE THERMOMETER ON THE PORCH READ 34F... AND I'M JUST IN FROM A SMOKE AND IT'S READING 60F! I've re-adjusted the radiators to just about what the temperature in here is at present... turning them off for now. I don't DARE turn them off completely because it'll just let the fucking walls cool too much. BUT THIS IS BLOODY-FUCKING INSANE! - I've been working on an entry for “Otto” on Minds... it's taken HOURS! So now I've posted it, with a graphic (to kill the links in the content), am having a hot water, will scan other soc.med. and... it's off to BED! Thankfully, I don't have to be at work until 18.00 tomorrow. How charming! But tomorrow night, at this time, I'll be “un-winding” from work... and no vodka! Thankfully (again), no work on Tuesday. BUT... on Tuesday evening, I'm hoping to go check a 60$ FUTON in ESSEX! It's got a chunk missing from the top rail, but I believe I can repair that. If the damned thing doesn't stink to highest Heaven, and it actually functions... I'll break the banques to get this one! At 60$ I'd be a damned fool idiot not to! Even if I have to put it on the road... “FREE”! (Or, I could re-sell it for slightly more.)

Mon.07.Oct: 1.16 Wasted another evening... on-line, but got in touch with some folks on Minds, posted a bit and... well... that's about it. - It's still 15° out there! And comfy in here... even with the radiator re-set. Though, tomorrow night it's back to single-digits so it's best to keep the radiators running. - Saw a 1BR in Chazy listed on Crgslst! 575! I was about to reply when I noticed the telephone number: And “Ian”... 802 area code! OH HELL NO! NOT EVEN FOR 575 IN CHAZY! FUKDATSHIT! So... I keep looking. - Looking forward to checking the futon in Essex. I HOPE they'll still have it on Tuesday! Tuesday night is Yom Kippur... I should be able to get there to see it and conduct what-ever before sun-down... or shortly there-after. - Meanwhile... I'm not really tired but I should get to bed. No shower tonight (this morning). I'll take one “later”... before going to work (though I don't really see why I should... considering I'll probably be stuffed in a cooler again). - Thankfully, no “conflicts” on Sunday. I DID go to FamDoll for smokes... and that was that. (Money I don't really have but...) - And so now I set my sights on Wednesday this week: FS FOOD and I'm curious to see if I'll get paid for last week's work this week. I most seriously doubt it but... we shall see. - Time to try for a bit of a nap... or something. If I get tired during the day... I'll have the opportunity to snooze. Must get “meal” before work too! THAT'S some planning right there. - 8.28 This is almost pathetic: Up at 8.15, no alarm, coffee's in the press, I'm dressed, in from a half-smoke (my chest is “heavy” again this morning). Météo says it's 14° out there, it's 22° in the bed-room and it feel like it's 52° in the house! (Have I got fever? Or what?) And it's “one of 'those' mornings”... nasty mood. I want to get rid of the chair on the porch... the one Ms. Biddy “donated”. And I don't want to be “HERE”, and THAT pisses me off all the more. So much for “coming home”. First thought of the day: “Staring in her fucking windows? Accusing me of 'voyeurism'! She's a fucking FREAK!” And the 575$ flat in Chazy... (full tub in the bath too), with a telephone number in the “802”! Just little things, really. And the prospect of a night in a cooler at work. Not to mention, the whole “shituation” here just rolls into town as well. I mean, people here will be there and there's no telling what kind of comments might be made... should they be of “that” mentality”. Oh well... I NEED to just shake this shit off of me and go about my business. There's a day ahead... a rainy day at that. AND, at 8.30, the fucking house-phone rang again! - OK... OK... moving along. Fuck. - 10.59 AND SO... Had a “chat” with Ms. Biddy when I went to ask about returning the chair from the porch. SHE FUCKING CALLED ALDEN ABOUT Ms. DIVA's SHIT-FIT! Under the guise of the clogged plumbing... so she claims. So fine. I told her that I've got 2 prospectives to look into, up North. “You don't have to run. Nobody's looking at you negatively. Everybody knows Joan and how she is. I explained it all to her and to M... (the “Home Aide”) and even SHE explained it to Joan.” So I just did what should be done: thanked for the reassurance and made it clear that I don't confront conflict, and that I'm continuing to look for some-place else. “At your age, you shouldn't be moving again.” Fuck you. (I didn't say that.) “You're right. But at my age, I shouldn't be thinking of being accused of being a pervert either.” And so, saved by the customers, I just left as she was “assisting other customers”. I'm leaving it all as is, and if it should, letting it roll back to Alden. Should I find a nice place back up North... Fine. At least there's no particular rush, no pressure and meanwhile, Mr. Alden is aware that he's losing the “somebody who appreciates all the hard work that went into the place”. Joan gets what Joan deserves: living in the Hell she claims she had before. Let her get more of it... when I leave. May that be. - Tried again for Medicaid this morning. Even got somebody on the phone this time! He suggested I apply on-line. And so I tried, again. Seems I can't get through to their “system” until I change the driver's license! WTAF? Driving now ties into abso-fucking-lutely EVERYTHING in this fucking society today! “National ID”. “Wayer are yoor paypuz?!?!?” Oh well. If I need medical, I'll just roll the way I used to: Go to emergency, get the fucking paper-work rolling from there. Done deal. (I can't afford all the bull-shit with the license and shit just now.) - And so, meanwhile, Ms. Diva must be doing laundry because my sinks are gurgling. Ms. Biddy says her hubby snaked the drain over there and all's well there. Ah, but my loo basin is slow (I have to test the toilet now) and there's the distinct stench of “wash water” in the kitchen here. Yep... time to move away... MOVE AWAY! - And I'm tired... eyes-burning sort of tired. There's a serious nap coming before heading out to the shop tonight. (If I didn't actually need this money, I'd give notice: “It just won't work-out well. I'm a bit older than I give my-self credit for.” or something of the likes. Although, ... 11.40 Knock on the door... Jess (Ms. Biddy) came by under the guise of giving me a plunger for the drains but... it got into more of the “You don't have to leave! EVERYBODY gets the same thing from her at some point. She even snaps at Alden! You don't have to leave!” Well? I don't have to leave “under duress” but I DO feel I have to leave... before that dried-up, worn-out old thing next door fucks me over. - ANYWAY... I'm still feeling “tired”, a bit light-headed, can't quite figure what's going on, probably should have it checked but... there's nobody to go to and no place to go to at this point. Let's see how it all winds down tonight... after “work”. - Oh.. KARLA or CARLA is the Aide de la Diva! - 16.44 and at about 14.30 I made spaghetti with boiled meat-balls and washed it down with a large V8. Then, put the kettle on for a tea which I'm having now... after having had 2 naps through the day and not much else accomplished. - NOT looking forward to going into the “shop” this evening. MUST to take a shower, have a quick shave as well. But I'd much rather stay here, watch “The Five” and have another nap. - Still raining. Still grey. The fogs on the mountains have been beautiful today. - And now, I have to ponder turning the radiators off... for 3 hours. Oh well... saves on electric... hopefully I won't have to play “catch-up” using the oven when I get back. - Shame... really, so soon and not looking forward to going to a job that I'd looked forward to getting. - 21.29 IN THE DOOR! RADIATORS ON! UN-DRESS! RE-DRESS! OVEN ON! GLASS OF CRANBERRY JUICE! All back to as if nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. - I was out of here at 17.35, in the store by about 17.50 and... INTO THE FUCKING FREEZER WITH THE FUCKING ICE CREAM! Stocked that, moved to the FUCKING COOLER WITH THE FUCKING BEER AND SODAS AND THAT WAS MY FUCKING THREE HOURS! (But Glen was rather fun to work with... for a couple of minutes, and Paula's quite sweet. I must say. And by the time I got into the bed-room again, it was 21.18. AND I NOTICE... I AM NOT A NIGHT DRIVER ANY MORE!!! My eyes are FUCKED! - Hot water ready. There's a tiny bit of ... ice cream. No booze, damn it! But we'll make do. I just want to make sure this house is warmed up. It's not bitter cold tonight, but I'm TIRED! And I want WARMTH! FUCK! - 24.23 The house is warm. I've had 2 mugs of water and now 'tis time for... bed. No alarms tonight. - Tomorrow, I'm going to change the “futon” visit to Wednesday... maybe.

Tue.08.Oct: 8.45 Imagine that. THIS is how long I've slept... no alarm. Woke about 20 minutes ago! The sky's clear. The mists are rising. The grass is soaking wet. (And Ms. Biddy has arrived.) - It's a rather “quite heavy-chested” morning, this. I have to wonder: am I freezing my lungs at that “job”? Looks like I might have not much choice in the matter of resigning. If it's the cold of the cooler-freezer, this is not necessarily the “way” I want to “go”. Dropping dead in an ice cream freezer. Oh well. - Let's just get on with it anyway. Coffee's in the press. In from a smoke. On with “Yom Kippur”. Gee, I have a yahrtzeit candle here... I don't much feel like lighting it. I should focus on the “goodness” of my mother, but I just can't shake the “truth” any more... in my “old” age. And it will never be rectified. - Oh HEY! Yesterday, I “activated” the “Nomorobo” call-block on the house-phone and there was no call at 8.30! Looks like it's working! - 11.12 And the hamlet has gone silent. Ms. Diva has been to “therapy” and returned. Next? Carla. - Ms. Biddy has departed. - I've swept out front, returned the chair to the shed beside the PO. Now, to get rid of the “planters” out there. I do NOT want this place looking “too homey” on the out-side. AND... comment? As I was sweeping, Ms. Biddy says: “I can't believe you're sweeping!” Said I, in response: “This is in front of MY front door, that is in front of yours.” Says she, “I KNOW. You're making me look bad.” And my response to THAT? “YES! I LIVE FOR THAT!” and I returned to making certain that ALL debris was swept away. AND, as I was cleaning, Ms. Diva drove by. Hey! I see it as: I'm attending to the property that surrounds the place of MY residence. The rest? Let's see how “they” attend theirs. That should be telling... indeed. - I took the humming-bird feeder in today. Cleaned it with some javel. I'll let it dry and then...? - Now, to fill the hours. I'm wondering what will come of the futon... though, I'm not expecting anything at all to come of it. But we shall see. - Meanwhile, country Québec on the “radio”. So much for the day. Eh? - Oh, commentary: Haven't heard/seen word from the VT qunt in many weeks. I can't help but wonder: Pissed? Busy? Killed her computer? Can't remember how to get e-mail? Can't do text? In hospital? Died? One will never know. I need... NEED to divest my-self of all that. After all, I did say: I'll leave this shit-hole and never soil the soles of my boots with this God-forsaken filth again. Indeed. - 18.31 Light meal (burger, Ramen, no dessert... my “fast” at this point), done and dishes done and up and I just sent an e-mail to the one with the futon. Never heard back from my last e-mail saying that I don't know where s/he is. Not that I'm really in any mood to drive to Essex tonight (or any place, at night, for that matter, but certainly not some-place I'm not familiar with). But and so, here I am, listening to the radio (Rythme FM), just up from a 20-minute lie-down and I'm tired... really just so “tired”. The “heavy chest” shit. And tonight, I'm thinking: If I get to work on Thursday night and get stuffed in the coolers and freezers again... I'm on the schedule for next week and the week next... I'll just let Amanda know: Don't bother for future. “This just isn't working-out.” I'll swear my chest troubles is from spending 3 hours in a freezer. (Yeah, I've done more and worse walking from Fuklin to St-Allbeans, but I was walking, moving. This is cramped and tight and I don't believe it's good for muscle and bones either.) Oh well... it was “fun” (not) while it lasted. AND... let's see if I get paid tomorrow! THAT's going to weigh QUITE heavily on the whole. - Anyway... bread and butter for tonight, IF I decide to have anything. It's “Yom Kippur”... “Repent?” For what? I'm not feeling I need “forgiveness” for anything these days. I've spent my fucking life being good, kind, considerate, helpful, charitable, empathetic and ALL that shit. Latest gratitude? Accused of “peeking” in the old Diva's damned windows. OK. Fine. “Altruism” is it's own punishment... - 22.05 And this day is DONE! Just in from last smoke. The hamlet is so quiet I could actually “hear” the mist rising across the road. The night sky is crystal-clear, yet the mist rose with a “hushshshsh” just beyond the clear-line, behind the lowest trees, as it does in the morning. And whisps are coming off the river, down by Old Rte.9. And, just as I did, one wintry day, at a bend in the Hudson, in Wappingers, I felt the cold come with the fog. It didn't make it to the back of Craig's place, when I came back in. But as I stood on the porch, I could feel the COLD that precedes such a mist. The only thing that truly ruins this place is the street light at Simonds Hill. If not for that, all would be so wonderfully “night”. - Anyway, the house is comfortable tonight. The radiators are warm but not hot. I have them set where I believe it's about “perfect”: they don't run constantly, they're not set at “full”, so they cycle. (I'm not looking forward to the next electric bill, and there's a reading due on Thursday again. My! How the weeks pass into months so quickly any more. Yet, though tomorrow come the FS, Soc.Sec. is another 2 weeks away.) - Well? Another day has passed. - Oddly, I'm almost in the mood to prepare something or another to eat tonight... because I know I shouldn't. But there's the “stench” of this evening's “meal” hovering. I can smell the beef that I cooked, and I don't like that. (Thankfully, Ms. Biddy said that the house smells “clean”.) - I'm a bit disappointed, not having the futon in here tonight. - 22.15 Just checked the “Ti” account, to see if my Stewart's pay got to it yet. I didn't expect it to... and it didn't. Will have to check later tomorrow. Not sure when it would post anyway. And I'm still contemplating leaving that job anyway. It's rather nice, not depending on the income. Yes, it would make things easier in some respects (though not with FS and probably not with Medical). But being stuffed in coolers... That's not something I want to do to my body. I came “home to die”... but not suffering before. - Anyway... time to wrap this all up, brush teeth, get into bed.

Wed.09.Oct: 8.19 Up at 7.35 on my own. WHY I got up at that hour, I've no idea, but I've done... put coffees on, had vit.C. (which is sticking in my some-where else, I fucked my stomach again with the 2 at once the other day... again). Dressed. Half smoke. - I woke at about 3.00 this morning, went to pee... the fucking lap-top had shut itself the fuck down in spite of my telling it not to until 6.30! I was running a “full scan” over-night! Oh fucking well... I turned it back on and went back to bed. THIS morning I wake to turn it on A-FUCKING-GAIN... for another HOUR! NINE hours (and the fucking house-phone just rang... once... a fucking annoyance call) to scan about TWO MILLION FILES! I HAVE TO CLEAN THIS THING OUT! - Any-hoo... Yom Kippur it is. Let's see how it rolls. - Oh... about 6° with a chill of 2° this morning. Frost on the grasses and the sun's trying to make a showing. It's not “hot” in the house, not “terribly warm”, but “sufficiently comfy”, though there's a “current” of air... quite chilled. I'll investigate. - Other-wise? Fukkit. - 8.43 Well... a check on the TiCU account “and I can reveal” (as they say on Brit game shows) that I did NOT GET PAID TODAY. SO! Either there's a fucking paper cheque to be waiting on Saturday, at the fucking store, OR... Stewart's is a week behind on pay-roll! And THAT fucks me over a touch. Not bad enough that I don't LIKE the fucking job, but to be behind in pay-roll? I'm NOT exactly tickled about ANY of this at all. I'll check again, later in the day. If it's NOT in there, I add this to the “reasons to drop the job”. IF I get tossed into a cooler again tomorrow night, I add THAT to the list AND if there's no pay this week... it's a RESIGNATION from me. A civil, polite, “contrite” resignation. Oddly enough, Paula said something about being “under-staffed” as they are. Yeah? Well, oh well. As I think about it though, really, I don't know exactly what I expected to be doing there. I'm not fond of “food-prep” (though, I can't say why... it's not that I don't like cooking), and I really don't particularly cherish the notion of running a registre any more... not here, anyway. And, after all, isn't that about all there is? Other than “stocking”, which wouldn't be bad... too much... Well, we shall see. - I believe Ms. Biddy has arrived, parked out front, radio going... “thump thump thump” of the bass. Between that and somebody in a red truck having been parked out front yesterday for some time, and ME, parked in the back where I can't see my truck... Oh, it appears it's going to be an annoying day. And there's that “current” of cold air coming through, across my legs as I sit at table here. I might be having my morning coffee, but this “Yom Kippur” is turning sour. “Repent!” I've really nothing to “repent”. “Life is my penance”. - Good morning. - 9.54 and nothing posted to my account... I DID NOT GET PAID TODAY! and I'm NOT quite too happy about it. “Delay in direct deposit” bull-shit, no doubt. Still. FUCK! Do ME no favours? I do YOU none. The extra money would have been nice. But I'm into week 2. 9 hours last week, 6 hours this. There's more in the next 2 weeks... but... - 11.23 Chat with the Biddy. No mail today. As I suspected last night: Alvin and Vivian spent the night in BTV... late arrival. They're still not back. Still no pay in the banque. A bit of washing done (a “discovered” pillow case, a pair of sox, under-its). Coffee dishes done. Sun's coming through the mist at last! Still a chill in the kitchen. And I'm a bit “light-headed”... “stuff” in the chest. No word on the futon. Other than that... nothing but trying to figure what to do with the rest of the day. If I had a comfy chair I'd crochet. If I had a work-table, I'd so some kind of “art”. If I didn't have the “shadow of conflict” looming over every waking moment in a day, I'd probably be more “settled” in spirit. But... off to find something appropriate as another “Thank you” for Minds and then? And then... - 19.25 THIS is horrible. I'm just in from a smoke following at 30-minute “nap” which came after ALL of “meal” (pasta, meatballs, lentils) items done and put up, and I'm more tired now than before the “nap”. I put “nap” in quotes because I never really slept. But... so be it. (90 minute into tomorrow evening's shift. Great.) Oh well. - At least Alvin and Vivian got their “Thank You” note. That's fine. And soon enough, they'll hear of my planning to leave town. No doubt Ms. Biddy will convey the message. - And no word on the futon. No money in my account. Delightful sort of day. - BUT I DID GET TO THE RIVER for more plant water! A “stroll”. “Exercise”. And enough with the quotes. - Now, to figure what to do to pass some time. I don't like using the electric (OH! Reading tomorrow!) And I don't like using the Internet. And I just what-ever-what-ever. - Fine. Roll along. Roll along. - No ice cream. No dessert. “Routine” is screwed. No prob. - And I'm quite congested tonight. I wonder why. Oh... running low on smokes too. It's... the ... END OF MONTH! as it were. - Moving along...

Thu.10.Oct: 1.17 And the double-digit days begin... and I'm still sitting here at the table, fucking about on soc.med. because I've down-loaded some videos that are a format that's useless! (iTunes shit! from Yootoob!) Anyway, it's time to get to nap! I was going to shower but am too damned lazy. Tonight, again, I'll try no alarm... let's see how that works. I'll need the extra rest tomorrow anyway. - DEPRESSING NOTION: LICENSE, REGISTRATION, INSPECTION, (hopefully NOT brakes), INSURANCE... STEWART'S! FUCK ME! When I get up from “nap” I'm going to have to work on the budgeting for this shit. What I SHOULD have done was to take ONE out each month since I arrived. But oh... NO! NOT ME! Well? Here we go. I'll “sleep on it”. (I've got head-ache right now. But oddly, my chest is better than it's been all day. Oh... and I need smokes again... there goes the futon... unless there's a cheque waiting for me a the store... and I'm doubting that too. Fuck. ) - 9.11 OH ODD! The hour! And just last night, before going to bed, I posted a video found, a “Hudson River view” of WTC, last tower going DOWN! Not to mention, the DREAM I woke from this morning at about 8.57:
Not sure where I was or why, but it was either college (Albany?) or work, but I was making snarky remarks about the place, town and folks. And my boss or some professor or some guy came to me and scolded “I know what you're doing and you'd better STOP it, right now. Either that, or do something to change your situation.” My response: “Love? My friend? Dearest sir? If you can be sure of anything in this life, you can be well-assured that I'm doing all I can to change this.” (Meaning, “I'm getting the fuck out of here as soon as possible.”) “Good!” he snapped, and went round a corner into another room.
THAT is what I woke from. - I was still awake at almost 3.00 this morning. It was shortly there-after when I finally fell off to sleep. Restless. And up a couple of times to pee during the night. It's not so much the need to be at work this evening, it's the not wanting to be at work this evening, in the coolers, cramped cold, and the likes. The comment of Paula on Monday evening “It'll get quicker as you get used to it.” “Quicker”? How about not just throwing somebody into a mess, stock all over the place. “Use this before this.” Coke with Pepsi, beer with salads. Milk products in corners, under other milk products. Yes, I understand that there isn't much space available. And I'm weary (already) of the “When we get to the other store.” Oh well. - A touch of “heavy chest” again this morning. And that “knot in the jaw” on the left side... the one the CT scan showed nothing. (I do know it's the teeth. But never mind all that.) Oh goodness me. - So I have to figure out how to check the FS balance. Wonder where in Fux name my pay for last week went. It's one of those “I did the work. Like it or not, I was there, did my best and got the work done.” issues. I remember, the old days: “You give me 2 weeks. If after that time I'm not what you expect, not what you require, let me know. I'll leave. You owe me nothing.” Not to mention the last pay-cheque that I never received from Diana Owens, Days Inn, Shelburne VT. (Another one of those: “Let it go. It's not coming back.” matters in my life. Not to mention the shit-bag qunt of 5199.... the fagz of 5225... the psychos of Jerri-Hill and Richford, and the “scum-bag” of the North Star. Isolated incidents are easier to divest...) I'm not in a “happy dance” mood this morning. Smokes are low. Food is low. Necessities are about. I HAVE TO TAKE A METER READING THIS MORNING! (God knows THAT's going to be a whammy!) - Alas, alas, alas. - Well? Coffee's in the press. I've had a half-smoke. Time to ROLL! I suppose. - 11.03 Went to get the photo for the electric, stopped at the PO. Chatted with Alvin who gave me a “brochure” of sorts, from Italy... in RUSSIAN! How sweet. Again, thanks for looking after Wombat. I told him “I wasn't called into service.” and it was left at that. I wonder... though he did mention that he and Vivian brought Ms. Diva her dinner last evening. Never mind. We let it roll. - Meanwhile, NYSEG won't let me submit my reading (though, when I went to take the photo, the meter is SPINNING... the radiators... no prob. When the oil is delivered, it'll make a difference... “budget”). Can't do so until 7 November! Today is the “billing” date. But thankfully, it's all current. - Managed to FINALLY get the balance on FS: 145. Not bad. Not great, but not bad. When I think of that shit, Randy, the Freak, getting 210 per month! PLUS cash. Oh well. No sense pondering. - Now? Off to what-ever. There's not enough time for some things, too much time for other things. And the PO is closed. Getting up late cuts the day EXTREMELY short. - 16.12 TOOK A HIKE UP THE MOUNTAIN THIS AFTER-NOON! TOOK PHOTOS! POSTED TO “WVNR”! And now, dinner is on the stove: lentils and a burger. - Alvin took the “4 o'clocks” back this morning. I brought the “lady” over and chatted with Vivian. Then headed up the mountains for a BEAUTIFUL sojourn. As usual, I didn't want to come back. One day... one day... - Came in, took a 30-minute “nap”. Then posted photos. - And now? I watch the clock as the minutes RUSH away. I do NOT want to go into that store tonight! But I need the money. (Gee... I wonder if my pay will be waiting for me, not that i expect it to be.) - Anyway... the “stress hour” is on. - 21.55! Finally rolled in at about 21.51 after an evening of pulling the garbage, then re-stocking the fucking ice cream (though it wasn't too bad tonight), including grabbing things here and there, followed by stocking the “beverage wall” (which I over-stocked because many items didn't have to be completed), followed by sweeping and mopping. Not TOO bad tonight. BUT I DIDN'T GET PAID FOR LAST FUCKING WEEK! NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS FUCKING “LAG PAY-ROLL” BULL-SHIT! NOT IN THIS AGE OF TECHNOLOGY! I JUST CAN'T “FORGIVE” THAT BULL-SHIT! THEY'RE QUICK TO GIVE THE HOURS, QUICK TO MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT TAKING TOO LONG (never mind the fact that shit's all over the fucking place in the back). BUT TO ENTER A FEW BITS OF INFO INTO A COMPUTER? NO EXCUSE! So tomorrow I'll have to “text Amanda” to ask about this shit. Yes, pay-roll was at the store tonight. Nothing for me. Imagine that. Fuck! - Anyway, en route to, stopped for 2 packs of smokes... on CIBC! SHIT! And made it in by 17.55! Stayed until the floors were dry enough to pull the rugs back in and had a little chat with Paula who seems to be OK with my work... since I mentioned... “mentioned” the fact that I “faced and filled” stock on the floor as I went along. “Multi-tasking. We like that.” Yeah, I'm sure. You know what I like? Being paid as promised, and in a timely fashion. - Anyway... message and photos from Dorothy about a half hour ago. “I'll call you tomorrow 10.30. Love you.” Yep. OK. Sure. I can't GO any-where any-way. Fuck me very much. - So, tonight I poured tonic into the vodka bottles to get the last drops out. Not enough to call it a “drink” but... waste not. Nothing to actually eat but bread and butter. There's 145 on the FS card. I'll have to check if Walmarde takes the card. I believe they do. If so, I could do groceries tomorrow. That would be nice. No sense going to Hannaford's and paying mucho money for stuff. I need to stretch now... no income until next week. .. 6 days at the earliest (IF the fuckers put the money as direct deposit). THEN ANOTHER fucking week until Soc.Sec.! Jeezus! AND... the heater lights are out on the fucking dash on the truck! I'm going to HAVE to get THAT matter settled SOON... before the damned thing won't even pass the roll-in for inspection. Well? I DID figure I wouldn't come to “settle” until January. Looks like that's about right at this point. - Meanwhile, the temperature out-side is about 5° tonight. The coyotes are howling in the mountains, there's smoke coming out of the chimney across the road. I came in and put the radiators on again. It's not cold in the house, but I don't want to let it get chilled. To think, I was in a sweat getting into work this evening. Last night I could have opened the windows. Ah... the strangeness of Autumn in the mountains... in The North Country. - OK. Time to un-wind. A shower before getting into bed tonight though! The stench of that store! Reminds me of the MPD on Summer nights: stale beef. ICK! - OK... moving along now. To what? I've no idea. But at least there's no “stress” for tomorrow. Unless I decided to be “responsible” and go food shopping. - 22.29 WOW! TALK ABOUT A “SAVE”!!! Just “reconciling” the CIBC and then went to check e-mails (still no word from the idiot in Essex about the fucking futon... I may as well kill that hope too, fuck me) when the confirmation of payment for SKYPE appeared! WOW! I'd already put that in so the amount I carry with me is FINE! I almost had a fucking heart attack! It pays well to “forecast”.

Fri.11.Oct: 1.34 and I need a shower before bed. I keep smelling that horrific “dead beef” on me some-where. And so... no beverage, no teas, just a tonic and... the house is chilly. Not “cold” but there's a chill from some-where. 7° out there tonight. Oh well... the radiators are on. Had the stove up for a while, to help take the chill out. The radiators are set at about “5”... I won't put them up to 6 tonight. - So much for Thursday. So much for furnishings on Friday. So much for the week-end. So much for this. To the shower. To bed! To Hell with it all. - 9.22 Cut the 8.00 alarm. Got up with the 9.00 (8.47 as it is). Coffee on and bed stripped, linens in on the soak. In from a smoke. I'm in one of those “Just because... Fuck you.” moods this morning. No particular reason. Just because... Fuck you. Sent a “text” to Amanda asking about pay-roll. And now, trying to figure how to hang the linens so they dry TODAY. Thinking of washing the kitchen floor today too. “Things to do” with a day. IF I'm feeling well-enough, perhaps a “Food Run” to Walmarde? We shall see. Chest is a tiny bit “heavy” this morning but not “too” bad. And I can't seem to get the stench of “old beef” out of my nose. I showered before bed. Hmmm... Hopefully this isn't a sinus infection from the coolers and such. Anyway.... time to “roll”. Turn the radio on and see how the time slips away today. - 9° out there now (they say), up to 17 during what should be a sunny day. Time... slips away. - 10.35 Linens are washed, under-things are washed. Hanging... in the fucking shower and on the rack. - Confirmation received: pay-roll lag. Another fucking week! Alors. - Message from Dorothy: “Waiting for my phone to charge.” Bin. - Et pis? “Premèire Québec” on the “radio”. - The morning rolls on. And I'm just in from a smoke... with folks at the PO. And the ambulance just went by... or... Let me go check. - 13.36 Another couple of hours on the phone with DOROTHY! YAY! And we talked about almost everything imaginable. Her grand-son came by a and that's the end of that. - Meanwhile... e-mail at 11.55: Fucking futon is sold. Fuck “Josh”. That's the end of THAT too! - Now? I'm heading out to Walmarde for food... I hope. Hey! Now I don't have to think about the fucking futon. - I'm not feeling altogether at the moment. Light in the head and a touch “sinusy”. But there's almost nothing edible in this place and... I must to get something. The week-end is here and Monday is “Thanksgiving”. (And I don't have to be back at work until Tuesday.) Not enough for a bottle of vodka, sadly. But? But... The sun is shining and it's a nice day. Time to go. (I'll try Witherbee way today... cuts a mile off the trip. Let's see how it works out.) - 14.22 17.00 and the fucking CHECK FUCKING ENGINE light came on JUST before I got out of fucking Witherbee! RPMs were up to 2k though, and I have to admit that I was pushing things a touch, trying to get back. The last time, the truck set in the back for about 2-3 days and all was fine again. THIS time, there's no place to go for the next 3 days so... I'll just keep a tiny bit of hope. - 14.00-17.00 THREE HOURS of FOOD SHOPPING! - 20.53 and I feel as if it were 23.53! But “meal” of burger and ramen... with ICE CREAM AND CHOCOLATE SYRUP FOR DESSERT TONIGHT! is done. All the groceries are put up except the MAJOR bag of flour and a container of creamer because there's no FUCKING ROOM in the FUCKING CUP-BOARDS for FUCKING FOOD! Dishes don't fit. Food doesn't fit. Seriously, a fucking waste of space merely for fucking décor! ANYwayyyyy.... The kitchen's ALMOST back to organised. How-ever, the bed's not made because the FUCKING SHEETS aren't quite dry. Had they been put out on a FUCKING LINE, they would had been FUCKING DRY FUCKING HOURS ago! (Yes, it's one of “those” nights... I could use a FUCKING DRINK!) I've blown the last several hours sitting at table watching British tele on-line. And I'm TIRED NOW! (Of course, the truck and the FUCKING “CHECK FUCKING ENGINE” light has much to do with the attitude. So I'll just move along here for a moment and jot something that truly DOES impress me: groceries today. - It cost me more gas and time, going to Ticonderoga (and the fucking light on the truck), but I bought SO much in the way of food today and spent considerably less! 3l cranberry juice, 3,98; large container of creamer for same; V8, 3,43;2lb Carolina rice, 2,48; 2x3 packet yeast at 1,58 each; 10oz brick of Bustelo, 2,88; 2-plus lb. burger, 8,96; gallon of ice cream, 5,87; TEN lb flour King Arthur Unbleached, 6,74. With a few other items, the total spent today was $66,80!!! I'd've spent that much locally and come back with just about enough for maybe 2 or 3 meagre meals. The beef alone is 6 meals. The rice? A month's worth at least. The flour? Half of the weight for about the same price. The yeast? Fuck me, but ONE package at Tops is over 2$. The cranberry juice? 1,7l at Tops is the same price as the 3l at Walmarde! And there's still 78$ left on the FS card for the rest of the month! So now, the money saved will go into the truck... I've no doubt. - But, there's food in the house. If I can make each pack of smokes last 3 days, I won't have to think about those until... HOPE-FUCKING-LY pay day from Stewart's! (If I find enough cash about, I MIGHT take me to the liquor store and get a bottle tomorrow... check engine or not. We shall see how that rolls. At any rate, I'll have a nice meal on Monday... Thanksgiving, when I'll be thankful that I'm not in VT and that I'm not out under a tree at night when the dew falls thick and temperatures drop sharply. - But for now, I want to get the bed made so I can get into it (after another shower tonight, of course) before dawn tomorrow. (I also need to file my nails... they're getting in the way of my typing.) - Oh... a note of local humour: Jeff... the Libshit on Simonds Hill, is having a rough time being harassed by the trash across the road on Lakota. Lakota seems to believe that Jeff shot their cat and so nightly they blast music across the road, speakers in the windows and all, and when they see him out, they yell “Cat Killer!!!” Humour? I'm dealing (and not) with the fucking Diva next door and her accusations of “perverted voyeurism” against me, and he's dealing with this own shits. And HE'S a long-time resident! How “homey” have I become? Shit. It would be nice to find another place (for me). Sadly, I'll have to give up my mountains for the flat-lands if I'm to head back to the border. But if I find a nice, affordable, clean, quiet, some-what secluded place... I'm THERE and not here. (Biddy asked today if I'd found any interesting place or have I ditched the moving idea. I reassured, I'm leaving when I find suitable accommodations.) - For now... nails, bed, shower... SLEEP! (I didn't have my nap today. No wonder I'm tired!)

Sat.12.Oct: 0.00 Mid-night. Just finished watching “People Will Talk”, an old black and white, Cary Grant film. Delightful. Then took a few “videos” of the place in the dark. Little “bits” floating about in the air around here, especially in the living-room! SO... since I bought sage today, the place has been “saged” tonight. - The bed is made. All ready for me... when-ever I get to it. So things are settled. But I'm going to have another bit of ice cream (since I'm not going to have a drink), then shower, then to bed. I don't care about the hour now, then or tomorrow. No sense in “caring” about it. Nothing on the agenda. Just let it ride. At least the bed's made. - Mid-night. Imagine. - 2.21 OK. DONE! Soc.Med., Minds, posted music to G's, checked Woodhauler. Thank yous for both. And now, I poured a hot water, will finish it, shower, and get to bed... NO ALARM again! To be sure! - Not so cold in here tonight. And ALL of today's washing is dry and done! YAY! - 11.47 and only JUST sitting to morning coffee! I got out of bed at 11.10! When I “signed-out” this morning at 2.21, I went straight for the shower. “Bat Oren” shower... ever so nice for the clean linens, nicely-made bed. Then on to browse a page or so in the Italian-printed-in-Russian brochure from Alvin. 3.00, lights-out, comfy, delightful... snooze... until 4.00 when TOOTH-FUCKING-ACHE, lower right! Up, to the loo, scrape with the tooth-pick, shove the gel in and... 5.00, back to bed, PISSED-OFF! Fresh linens, orderly bed and room, SHOULD have been a delight... but NO! FUCK ME! “Saged” house, clean linens, orderly house, wonderful shower and SHIT! WHAT-the-actual-FUCK? And there, so much for a wonderfully pleasant sleep for THAT fucking night! No alarms this morning, but one ring from some shit-head at about 9.30. But I heard it and dozed-off again until... 11-fucking-10! THEN, of course, I had to put up with the screeching of brats at the PO. Ms. Biddy brought the brats with this morning, and the town's folk had to gather and chat. These are the days that try men's souls, indeed. So my “day” commences as the “noon” chimes-in. Oh well. Good thing I've nothing put floor-cleaning on the agenda. - And WHAT a day it is! Sun-shine! WARM! I tossed all care to the side and after morning sips of coffee, stepped to the porch for morning smoke, with brats at hand. Let them say what they will... and they will. I don't care. (11.56 and another fucking one-ring on the land-line. Fuckers. On Saturday!) There's a “comfort” to not giving a shit. Were it not for the fact that I don't want to start the “smoke in the house”, I'd sit at table and have my smoke with coffee. Maybe one of these days. Maybe. - Meanwhile, I want to get the kitchen and loo floors washed today. Yes, it's Shabbat, but there are things to be done. (And I don't want to think about the truck this morning... nor today.) It would be a perfect day to open windows, let the warm breezes blow through but... it would be the front and the kitchen and the loo windows. I'd LUV to open the bed-room but there's plastic o'er. Oh, we'll see how it works along. (It would be nice to open the front door too, but the moment I do that, the flies attack and rush in. Always something.) - Anway, time to get on with what-ever's to follow. At least Monday's a “holiday”... what-ever that means. - 12.00 It's 17°! Going up to 19! And then down to 6 tonight. Charming. - 22.37 It's going to be a difficult night for sleep again... I thought I'd be in bed by 21.00 and here I am. - I did manage to get the counter-top re-orged, and the useless cup-board as well. Not to where it's actually “great”, but it's a bit better. I'd like to put some food up, but knowing how some of this place is put together, I fear the 10lbs of flour an 5lbs of sugar will bring the wall down. So, I've worked around it all. We shall see how well (or not) it does. - Tonight's “meal” was the little bit of rice that wouldn't fit into the 2 larger jars, with the beef and an egg mixed in, all cooked in the pot, of course. Not bad, but I wouldn't serve it to anybody else. Hey, it's “food”. Ice cream after. And a few episodes of “Have I Got News For You”. Passed the evening. - This after-noon, I got another one of those “ocular migraines”, so I took a naporxen and had a 30-minute lie-down. It helped but I also had a “episode”... one of those “I think I'm about to have a heart-attack”, light-headedness, room spinning, me floating episodes. THANKFULLY, if anything should happen now... I don't have to worry about the little ones. - But I DO have to make some sort of “note”, to put on the fridge, for “notifications” (Dorothy, Denis... that should cover it) and the “DNR”. Tomorrow's “To Do”. - For now... a little more ice cream, a cookie or two, brush teeth, go to bed. Tomorrow, floor-washing... tomorrow night, shower. Monday... Thanksgiving... and no booze. Fuck. Probably for the best anyway. - I'm not really tired now. But I'll be damned if I'll be up at 2, 3, 4 and 5 again! What a fuck-up! - Radiators on. The windows were open all day but the very second the sun reached the tops of the mountains... chill rolled in. It's not “cold” out tonight, but I'm taking NO chances. I will NOT be COLD again! (Fucked from those days and nights in Richford, followed by the same shit at 5225 and then again at 5199.) - And my heart aches: I got this horrible notion that that old qunt ran over Mimou! I have to shake this before bed. It's painful.

Sun.13.Oct: 8.59 'Twas a rather “OK” sort of night. Up once for pee. Heard the alarm at “8.00” and dozed. Well, didn't shut-down until 0.33 this morn so there's the “8 hours” of “sleep”, as it were and at 8.27, laying in bed, doing the usual “day-dreaming” of how life should be, thinking of tomorrow, “Thanksgiving” and today, doing the floors, needing to get into town for eggs to make breads and such, then the sudden SLAM of “Why bother? There isn't even a remote chance than anybody would be coming round! And for some reason, it bothering me... I decided that, if thoughts were going to turn in that direction... Then the thoughts of Mimou and Hallie... I forced me up and out of the bed. Diversions and distractions. These thoughts truly are “painful” of late. Must be because of the season. THEN, coffee on, dressed and such, out for a smoke where I notice that the leaves are already falling off the trees and... IT'S OCTOBER! On the 24th, it will be only 8 years (some-how I've been thinking it's 9 but...) but it will be 8 years ago that I moved North! But, 8 years ago, I came North. I got only 2 months here, in NY, New Russia, in “greenery”, warmer weather, “Summer”. Half of July, all of August and September and now... October and the leaves changed and are going. I always think of arriving in BTV in October, with warmish days, and the night I gave my sweat-shirt to PJ and then walked down the Shelburne road, listening to the iPod, new French music, in the dark, shivering until I got to the North Star dump. He was on a bus back to Winooski, warm. I was walking along, shivering. Memories of spending, “making sure he got a good, hot meal”, not knowing that he had a full kitchen and plenty of food, a table, chairs, furniture. He'd said he was in an “unfinished basement”. It was half-finished. He simply chose to use the un-finished part as his bed-room. He didn't have to. Granted, the situation wasn't pleasant. But there I was, spending money I could have better put to my own needs. Oh well. Anyway, it's actually about being in a strange town, new state, ill-prepared for the cold that was to come, eating “Subway” sandwiches and “snacks” from the local gas station. And there I was. October. Vermont. And THIS year, here I am... starting all over again... “is gonna be rough... on us”. But there's 2 bed-rooms, a kitchen with appliances, a living-room bereft of furnishings... a wonky truck... but I've got utensils in the kitchen, clothes in the closet and a bed that nobody else slept in, with clean linens, my plants, that are doing well and heat sources. Now in what's officially called “The North Country”, in the Adirondacks, as I used to only dream of. And yet... anxieties exist. THOSE will NEVER go away... because I won't let them go. “Think too much”. Indeed. - OK. Today? I want to sweep the front of the place out-side, wash the floors so I can, if I so desire, walk bare-foot, bake bread, have some sort of poultry for meal tomorrow. And then? Well, then comes Tuesday and work from 13-17.00. “Post-lunch” and “pre-dinner”, and probably more time in a cooler. But at least during day-light. Then Wednesday and, hopefully INCOME! A start on the money needed to get the truck together. Next week... soc.sec. and more income and bills paid again. And all that followed by... what-ever. The loop... the loop... the loop. I wonder if THIS Winter will “take me out”. - Last night I thought: new driver's license... 8-year term... I'll be 72 when it has to be re-newed again. 70-fucking-2! Probably dead... if there's grace in Heaven. The years are gone... “When the number of tomorrows number far fewer than the yesterdays, and 'fewer' is the term because 'less' is inappropriate because technically, the tomorrows are countable.” - Sunday morning... coffee should be ready. The sun is shining in through the bed-room windows, hopefully warming the place a touch. Time to behave as if we're alive. As if. - 11.04 Pondering the trip into town for eggs for bread, and such and the anxiety level is INCREDIBLE! What stupidity! Literally shaking in-side! We're bordering on “psychotic”! WHAT, in Fux name, is WRONG with me any more? - 13.09 MADE IT! Trip into town with the fucking “CHECK ENGINE” light a-blaze. Went to the market, got chicken (leg quarters because the dip-shits don't have whole chickens, other than the cooked ones which I can't get on the FS card). 18 eggs (for bread and such), EGG NOG, half'n'half (because the shits didn't have bloody whole milk), frozen mixed veggies (for tomorrow), nasty basil (it's grey, not green, but it's “Badia”), lemon juice (from Italy... fuck... because lemons are 1,00$ EACH!), and we're ready to get to cookin' today. THEN, a stop at FamDoll for smokes and a little rack for the corner of the counter in the kitchen which is almost useless because the spacing between shelves is as the cup-boards: just a tad touch too small. FUCK THIS WORLD anyway! BUT I got it to “work” for now so... - THEN... as I pulled out of FamDoll... *** THE FUCKING “CHECK ENGINE” LIGHT WENT OUT!!! *** Honestly! That truck does NOT like going up mountains, does NOT like to be “pushed” to 2kRPMs. BUT... I still love it anyway (and hope that it passes inspection WITH-OUT ANY TROUBLES AT ALL~!~ to be utterly specific). - I got the front of the house swept, in the sun-shine and am now feeling “ick”, as usual. But I MADE THE TRIP INTO TOWN AND BACK AGAIN... and to think: before leaving, I was physically sick, to the very core of my bones... with nothing but “anticipatory anxiety”. Psychotic. - Bad news: when I parked the truck, there was a monarch in the front grille! POOR BABY! It DOES sadden me to the heart. I've brought it in, put it in the corner by the “night light”. It tears me apart to think of the Hell they have to go through... and then... “live” for only mere moments. “Life”... “Existence”... is nothing but a fucking nasty bloody joke. - Now... on with what-ever. It's “tea time”... and I want a nap... but I won't take one of those... there are floors to be cleaned as well... and I do NOT want to be up at mid-night again tonight! (I WANT A FUCKING DRINK though.) - 14.51 I'm in a SWEAT here! Got the chicken cleaned and it's now marinating in basil, pepper, dash o'salt, lemon juice. 4 pieces... which could be enough for 4 meals (at the rate I eat these days... sadly). Got them into the fridge and pulled the other bowl (YAY! TWO BOWLS! FATE MUST HAVE KNOWN!) and... there's a considerable quantity of dough on the rise, in the oven, as I type... with 5 eggs and half'n'half in. HEALTHY, HALE bread! And now... I'm off to get these floors cleaned, after I tidy the kitchen table. One would think there's company coming... I don't give a fuck... *I* am my company these days. (And at the rate my general being is deteriorating, I'll be my only company... as has been the case most of my existence.) - But for now... open the windows and hit the floors! (Holiday shit.) - 17.37 THE FLOORS ARE HOOVERED, WASHED (EVEN THE BACK-DOOR RUNNER), HOOVERED AGAIN, TWO LOAVES OF BREAD ARE BAKED AND COOLING, ALL DISHES DONE, “MEAL” (rice, beef and eggs mush again tonight, oh well) IS ON THE TABLE, THE CHICKEN IS MARINATING IN THE FRIDGE, OUT-SIDE HAS BEEN SWEPT, THE TABLE IS CLEARED AND “PRESENTABLE”... THIS SHIT IS *DONE*! It's been NON-FUCKING-STOP ALL DAY! Now... if only I had vodka... But... I have FOOD and a CLEAN house! Time to enjoy... or try. -
JUST OFF THE PHONE WITH DONNA AND WE HAD THE GREATEST LAUGHS, TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WORRIED THAT WE'LL DIE... ALONE! AND SHE SAYS “I HAVE TO GO JUMP INTO THE SHOWER.” AND I SAID “DON'T JUMP. YOU MIGHT FALL AND HURT YOUR-SELF, OR EVEN DIE... AND YOU'LL BE ALONE!” AND THAT ROLLED INTO SO MUCH ACTUALL LAUGHTER! FUCK! IT'S BEEN SO TOO MANY YEARS SINCE I HAD AN ACTUAL, SINCERE, GUT-LAUGH! AND TONIGHT, TO THINK... IT WAS WITH DONNA! AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS! WOW... And tomorrow's Thanksgiving. THERE! THANKS ARE TO BE GIVEN! FOR THE LAUGH, FOR MY COUSINS, FOR THIS TIME. - And now? I'm having a ginger tea with the hope it'll help with my breathing (though the laughing has loosened all sorts of shit which helps a LOT). And ever so soon now, I'll be in the shower and into bed. The house is settled. The bake pans need cleaning but I'll probably let them soak over-night. And other-wise? Tomorrow... If it comes, we'll deal with it. If not... that's fine too. - WHAT A FUCKING LAUGHING TIME! (And no booze! Imagine that.) - 23.19 Well, I had thought about being in bed by now but as it is, I'm just out of the shower... ALGEMRIN! Holiday, doncha know. And feeling utterly WONDERFUL for it too! And in my “shelter jammies” at the moment. Ah, the reminders linger. What a difference from those days. Eh? I wonder where the other guys from 6W101 are these days. That memory will never leave. - And in from a smoke on a quiet porch. A breeze blowing. Not cold, not warm. Almost “comfy”ish. And a mug of hot water at hand. The day is done, the house is clean and so too, am I. Tomorrow? Perhaps a bit of washing, but indeed, cooking. I'll probably try to get to the market. I need cling film for the other chicken. There's another “Thanksgiving” coming... another “holiday”... fuck. - Anyway, the place it prepared for guests. I have to laugh! (I wonder if the Reiners will be “entertaining” or will I be invited to any other home for any holiday. I most certainly hope not... since I'll have to “respectfully decline”. Perhaps... never mind. I just don't want to be bothered with/by Ms. Diva and, after all, she's established. I am not. And with looking for another place, “settled” doesn't appear to be in the future here anyway.) - With that, a glance at soc.med. - I was thinking of sending an e-greeting for the “Actions des Graces” to Mme. Q. I'll ponder. I doubt one will be sent anyway. - And the Hudson Bay is on the bed. I looked for “cleaning” instructions and it appears they're either fine in cold water, NO DRYING, ever-so-gentlest cycle OR.... DO NOT WASH! Bring to a “professional”. Yeah. Sure. Here? I doubt that very much. I wouldn't trust any “professional” since the last one in The Village fucked my futon cover. Oh well. At least it's here. Besides, they're “hunting” blankets. And I don't see me filthying this one any time before my death anyway. - Which reminds: Tomorrow I MUST get my “Notifications/DNR” written. - So much for this much.

Mon.14.Oct: 1.25 Fucked that again... and I've got to get to the store for cling film in a bit... for the chicken! Oh well... Off to bed... NOW! - 9.15, up at about 8.40 (to pee again, other-wise, I'd probably still be in the bed), coffee in the press, in from a smoke, pondering the trip to FamDoll for cling. It's a tad over-cast, breezy, not too bad, though tonight is another plunge into the cooler. It's rather “Thanksgiving” weather: Autumnal. I suppose I did get enough sleep... and did manage to sleep through (aside from having to pee twice). Oh well. 'tis the season to be “thankful”. And yes, as I see it, there's much to be thankful for: little home in the Adirondacks, not being in New England, two radiators to keep me warm, food in the fridge, clothes on my back and silence in the hamlet. Transport in the yard. And calm in the house. The makings for a hot meal, home-cooked. Communications with loved cousins. We're fine... we're just fine. Let's see what this day shall bring. Shall we then? - 12.41 “Classique” on the “radio”, clothes in to soak a touch. MADE THE TRIP TO FamDoll, had a wonderful chat with the manageresse, a lovely trip, all told. The chicken for tonight is in the fridge, the other 2 pieces in the freeze. The “burgers” are wrapped, PROPERLY, in cling and in the freeze. I'm in “holiday” clothing (clean), the house is settled. The sun is shining, giving some warmth against the wonderful breeze that's bringing the “chill”. It's a “holiday”... it's “Thanksgiving”, no matter what anybody would have said. - I DO wonder what's going on at 5199, more for the little ones than anything else. I suppose I should be “thankful” that communications have been severed. She, like the one next door, want nothing but conflict and surely, there'd be some sort of whining involved... Best to leave all as is. Though my heart and soul ache so terribly, not knowing. I suspect (as I'm wont to do) that there's some horrific news from there. I'm being spared. - Moving along, I could almost go for a nap! Nothing “pressing” until tomorrow after-noon at this juncture. - Ah... another “holiday” alone. It's rather just like it was “in the beginning”. Even back to the days of 419 Quail... and so it's been for most of the time through life, ever since. Gee, “thanks”, “mother”. Though I try to keep a positive view, trying to convince my-self that her actions were, over-all, for my safety and well-being, I can help but think: She pulled that “You have to go.” shit, and then, years later, even her daughter, my “sister” pulled the same shit when she pulled me from the house so that her husband and brother could pack me up and shove me out... again, certainly not prepared nor able to land on my feet, support and sustain my-self. How charming. Oh well. All considered in seriousness and logic, I've not done at all terribly. Roof over-head, walls around, floor below; bills are to-date, I've transport; a little job, even in my “elder age”; the place is clean, orderly; I fell into Homelessness and got my-self out of it... alone; I've travelled; I've moved about and actually established residence in another state, in New England, in a state that others envy (poor idiots, those). I'm clean, I've a bed of my own, blankets to keep me warm through the coldest. I look out my front windows and door and off to the mountains of great reputation, and a “goal” of a great part of my life-time. I've lived in “The Big City” and in the smallest of rural hamlets. All this, in spite of continual efforts to keep me down, even to murder me. Is it “good”? I don't really know. Does it make ANY “difference” in any-thing, in any part of all of “Creation”? Hardly. But... here I am, growing ever-older, falling apart, obviously... breathing, thinking, speaking, expressing my thoughts and opinions, “journalling”. And tonight, when this, another day is passed, I'll take me to my bed, under my blankets, one of which I created with my own hands, lay my weary head upon my 4 pillows, put out the light and... if it be, roll along on the winds of “Time” to another day where I'll continue my saga, until the moment when, as with ALL in “Creation”, I too, will cease to exist, and, with the passing of time, won't even be a “memory”... as with ALL in “Creation”. - A holiday... a “holiday”... no different from all the rest of days... except that I CHOOSE to acknowledge and participate... in my own fashion... alone. At least it pleases me to do so. - 19.21 THANKSGIVING DINNER IS COMPLETE! THE DISHES ARE PUT BACK UP! I started cooking the chicken at about 16.15, stuffing pats of butter and slices of garlic under the skin on 2 pieces. (The other 2 are in the freeze.) Then, into the oven at 350F. As they were cooking, I got the rice together and waited about 40 minutes for the chicken to produce some sort of “fat” from its own and the butter (with the salt, pepper, basil and lemon, of course). A few tablespoons of fat into the pot, chicken back into the oven, heat the fat in the pot, brown the rice, add water and cook! As the rice cooked, I'd turned the chicken over in the roasting pan and continued that cooking as well. Ah! The rice turned-out PERFECT! Looked like RICE, no icky, soupy, starchy sauce! Just wonderful! I put that up in a bowl, rinsed the pot, in went the veggies on low heat whilst the chicken continued on for another 40 minutes or so. For the last 10 minutes of baking, the veggies got heated. When done, a tranche of home-made bread and the butter went to table, a mug of V8, the chicken, rice and veg got plated and I sat down to “dine” with a bit of “Have I Got News For You” on lap-top. I'd thought of the “routine” as: Sit to eat at 17.00, done by 18.00, wash-up until 18.30 (or so), relax until about 20.00 then shower, in bed by 20.30, try for sleep by 21.00. As it turned out, “dinner” (not “meal” this time... an actual DINNER) was done by about 18.30, sat to have coffee (as one used to do after dinner) with a bit of ice cream and chocolate sauce (as one used to do after “holiday” dinners), then got up, washed-up the last of the “meal-ware” including the roasting pan AND... here it is... 19.32 and... AND? EVERY BIT IS DONE! NOT A TRACE OF ANY OF IT! BUT... I'm trying to remember the last time I actually sat, at a table, to eat a proper dinner that I'd cooked! Rochambeau. So, having removed from there in January of 2002, that means I haven't had THIS luxury since 2001! It's been 18 YEARS! 18 YEARS!!! since the last time I prepared a proper dinner and sat at table to eat it! Come to think... it's been that long from since I actually slept in my own bed! 18 fucking years! Yes... I HAVE “come home to die”... And die I will, before I get back into any sort of exile again. NEVER AGAIN! So, 2 hours of prep and cook for about an hour of eating and washing-up. “Thanksgiving” is done, complete. I made it! - Whilst I ate this evening, the fucking house-phone kept ringing. A few “1-rings” meaning “annoyance” and twice, full 5-rings. I'll have to check and see who the fuck that was. Then, a photo from Dorothy. She, Danny and Daryl. I wonder if it's current or just something she suddenly decided to send along. I'll have to reply. I didn't during dinner. HELL! I waited 18 bloody-fucking years for this meal! - And so, meanwhile, the night is upon us, the breeze blows chilled but not cold. This house is as warm as could be imagined and the radiators are on about 5. I'll turn them down to 4 and see how that works through the night. - WHAT A HOLIDAY THIS HAS BEEN!

Tue.15.Oct: 1.45!!!! Still up and at it. Got carried away with all of my “chronology” again tonight... figuring the “where” and “when” and years and dates and events and shit. THEN, checked-in on my “Author” account on Minds to find that they've pulled 50 “tokens” from the account! Sent them off to “kestrel”, who can certainly use them. But I'm ripped-pissed! So I've sent ALL the “tokens” from the Author AND Woodhauler to DeadArtist and am pondering simply “deactivating” the other accounts. - Meanwhile... I could use a drink tonight! This is terrible! I should be exhausted! Wanted to be ASLEEP by now... and I STILL have yet to shower! I've been smoking entirely too much. (The smoking is taking the place of the drinking and this is no good.) - Seems I'm just falling into a bit of a depression... perhaps it's that “bi-polarity” issue? It was a delightful day and now I need a drink to “round it all off” and because there isn't one to be had, and I'm smoking too much and that's bothering me and I don't have a work table, or a futon and I'm not “comfortable” in here any more and the truck and the expenses coming, and the heating that's necessary and the electric bill that will be coming and the job and the prospect of FOUR hours there tomorrow and FOUR hours in a fucking cooler... well... I'm going to get me to the shower at least... and hope for sleep there-after. I'm going to be a mess by 17.00 this evening... because that's when I have to work until! FUCK! - 9.10 I DIDN'T GET TO BED UNTIL 3.00 THIS MORNING AND HERE I AM... UP, DRESSED AND ABOUT! THIS IS GOING TO BE A DAY FROM HELL! And how charming? WORK! FOUR hours, not 3. Oh well... “Shelter Days”. Lovely. - ANYway... it's chilly in the house this morning and QUITE chilly in the bed-room. Hmm.... the oven's on for a few moments and I've got some “coding” I'm working on, since I spent the fucking night with my “chronology”. So? Off we go! - Oh... and the post office isn't open yet. Hmmm... - 19.58 (and I feel as if it's 23.58! Gee... I wonder why... when I think of last night... 3.00 to bed! Fuck!) Anyway, I DID put in my 4 hours today... and they rolled along rather well. Yes, it started in the cooler, then to the freezer, then to stocking the “chips” which went into hauling the garbage and then, for the last 20 minutes, folding pizza boxes. But it was, pretty much, non-stop all through and it wasn't at all bad. Even the cooler stint ran rather well! The ONLY REAL DIFFICULTY IS: there's only ONE loo... for customers, travellers and staff and at one point, I was becoming extremely horrified when I had to wait for almost an hour to get to PEE! I don't know how well (if much at all) I can hold it any more, and it's not in my best interest to do so anyway, these days. I will NOT suffer another infection because of no loo! But we'll see how it all rolls along with time. As I say, today wasn't bad at all other-wise. (The ONE thing that makes me physically ill is that my sherpa STINKS of that fucking “back room”! THIS is going to be a BITCH to wash now!) - And so, I stopped for a pack of smokes en route back this evening and got into the house at 17.27, changed my clothes, put the chicken and the rice (wrapped in foil) into the oven. Prepped the table for dinner, had a quick smoke on the porch and sat to eat with the little bit of “The Five” that was left. Chicken, rice, bread and butter, and by 18.31, it was all done! Imagine! Then ice cream after and a little Brit tele. And now? I'm trying to keep awake. I NEED another shower before bed too. (That back room area is fucking disgusting!) - When I got back this evening, “Little Girl” was out in the yard and as I got out of the truck, I was saying “Is Little Girl! Hello Little Girl” and Ms. Dramaqunt called the cat in. Honestly... she's 100% “Vermont”! If I find another place to go to... I'm there! I can't live like this, what THAT so close by. - So, for now, I'm hoping the house will warm. I've got the oven on again for a while. Chilly 22° in the bed-room. - I'm making GREAT progress on the “Still Life” page on “DeadArtist”. Adding the dates of the places and a few “notations” for my own reference and tie-in with the dates. There was a LOT of extraneous coding in there as well, and that too, is being “cleaned”. - Well? Tomorrow should be, according to Amanda, 2 weeks of pay. THIS is going to be interesting to see... I'll check in the morning. It SHOULD be in the TicCU account. HAH! I'm not counting on it. But... time will tell. - Time for a half smoke (I had to buy the “99s” today so they get smokes half at a time), a bit more work on the page, a shower and to bed! (Let's see if I don't wake the fuck up the minute I get into bed... again! If there's money tomorrow... I'm getting VODKA! If for no other reason... SLEEP!) - 21.20(So much for an early night again.)
*NOTE NUMBER 1: T HERE'S SOMETHING IN THE WALL BETWEEN THE BED-ROOM AND THE LIVING-ROOM. I CAN HEAR THE POOR THING SHIFTING ABOUT! SO LONG AS IT STAYS IN THE WALL, I DON'T MIND. A LITTLE PROTECTION FROM THE COLD. HOPEFULLY IT'LL FIND ITS WAY BACK OUT AND NOT DIE IN THERE.
NOTE NUMBER 2: THIS IS ALMOST HYSTERICAL! WORKIG ON THE “STILL LIFE” PAGE, I GOT TO “CLEARWATER” IN SHELBURNE AND DECIDED TO LOOK FOR THE HOUSE NUMBER... SO I SEARCHED FOR STEVE... KENT... AND WHAT A FUCKING CRIMINAL RECORD HE'S GOT. ARREST. “CASE WORKER”. CRIMINAL ID NUMBER. THE WORKS! SO! HIS TARA TOOK MY PAINTING. THEY ACCUSED ME OF ASSAULT. THREW ME OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. NO WONDER SHELBURNE PD STAYED UNTIL I WAS GONE! (“YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE TONIGHT. WE'LL STAY AS LONG AS IT TAKES. THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME WE'VE RESPONDED TO THIS ADDRESS FOR THIS SORT OF THING. BUT YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE TONIGHT.”) WELL, WELL, WELL INDEED! LEAVE IT TO ME! START MY NEW ENGLAND SOJOURN IN THE WORST POSSIBLE “MOTEL” IN THE BURLINGTON AREA (NORTH STAR) THEN MOVE INTO THE HOUSE OF A KNOWN CRIMINAL! JEEZUS! (AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HATE THAT STATE SO MUCH.) WONDERS NEVER DO CEASE!
And now... back to the “Chronology”. FUCK!
21.30 WELL OH FUCK AND SHIT! NOTE NUMBER 3: MORE HYSTERICAL. SCHITZENGIGGLES, I GO SEARCH DEAR DOUG POTTER, OF ST-GEORGE AND... ***(I DO QUOTE:) Douglas D. Potter, 50, of St. George was sentenced by Judge Nancy Waples at Vermont Superior Court in Burlington to 10 years to life for his convictions of sexually assaulting a victim under 13 and two counts of lewd and lascivious conduct towards a victim under 16... The Vermont Department for Children and Families (DCF) was notified on Aug. 28, 2015 of a report of a possible sexual assault by the suspect identified as then 48-Year-old Potter. The victim was reported to be a 12-year-old boy, according to George's statement... Potter, according to George was convicted in 2013 at Vermont Superior Court in Burlington for a prohibited act involving a juvenile female. He served his sentence in that case.” OH, OH, OH, OH... “BURLINGTON FREE PRESS Published 2:45 p.m. ET Oct. 5, 2017” FUCK! AGAIN! AND FOLKS WONDER WHY I HATE THE PLACE SO DEEPLY!
And for an added vomit: Andrea, Janice's daughter, pregnant, in the news, whining about how hard life is as a single mother. Her mother, Janice, of course, defending her. Baby's father is some kind of African, probably a Muslim. Both single mothers... Stephen mentioned in the article. “Autistic”, of course. I can't say any more and I'm not going to look for anything more. Enough is enough. There we have it. The people I met when I got to VT... all in the news... none for any “good”.
Now back to our show. - 23.51 “Still Life” AND “Legacy” are both current as of now... DeadArtist is doing well. (But this lap-top Journal is up to 13 pages and it's time to get THIS on-line as well! I'd like to get a lot of images on there too, and I keep meaning to do so but... me, my “existence”, my constant fatigue, my excuses.) Anyway... as I type here, what-ever it is in the wall is still busy. Should be interesting “sleeping”... IF I ever get round to it!

Wed.16.Oct: 0.03 Just up from the cellar... to see if anything got into it and got stuck. Nope. What-ever it is, it's in the wall. Probably from up-stairs. Oh well. Funny shit though: I put on my jacket, hat, sneakers, got the tiny flash-light (that “Doug” had left in the Ford, of all things) and toddled along. Went IN to the cellar, turned on the light and looked round. (Thankfully, the pilot is still lit on the water heater... Thanks to Avery!) But it reminds me of the night at Oma's when I looked out the bed-room window and saw a light on in the garage. Thinking nothing of it, I went down-stairs, out to the yard, into the garage to find that her car door wasn't closed tightly. Then, as tonight, I could have confronted something deadly. Oh... then I didn't care, I had to save Oma! Tonight? I don't care either. What-ever will be will be. - Anyway. It's Wednesday morning. I still haven't had my shower. Won't go to bed until I've done. Like last night... perhaps at 2.00? I hope not. - I want a little bread and peanut-butter, egg nog before retiring. - I'm “off” Minds now, since that bull-shit. Still thinking of ending it completely or moving to “Otto” or one of the others. Will check the “Author”. I don't want “Kestrel” to send the tokens back. - Anyway... time for a nosh, a shower... a nap! Later, we'll see if there's any “direct deposit”. (I truly could use a “Mag Light”, to be sure. Maybe tomorrow I'll check Aubuchons... to see what they're prices are like... other than OUTRAGEOUS! Or... order from Amazon with the sleeves for all the biz-cards. I NEED TO SAVE MONEY!) - 1.43 Here we go again... bed at 3.00! BUT I tried logging into my Tic account and CAN'T! SO... fuck me! Off and into town today! FUCK! Figures. I KNEW this wasn't going to go along easy! - 10.00 on the nose and just in from the porch for a half-smoke. Nancy walks out of the PO and says “I smell smoke. I smell cigarette.” and I hear Ms. Biddy reply “HE smokes.” (I was at the South end of the porch.) Alvin's in there with Ms. Biddy SOOOooooo.... Here we go, I've no doubt. Nancy said “I used to smoke so I smell it.” I said “A pack lasts me 3 days.” “Good for you.” “Some people say 'Why don't you just quit?' I say 'Because I started when I was 7 and that was almost 60 years ago.” “Thank you very much.” says Nancy. And we joked about it stunting growth. She said “You have a good day.” I said “Thank you. And you too.” And that was that. And SOOOooooo... Here we go, I've no doubt. - OK. So up at 9.28. Heavy in the chest. Not really in a mood to participate in the world today. But here I am and that's that. It was “lights out” by about 2.30. Let's hope it's not another one of “those” again tonight. Odd... No nap yesterday, 4 hours on the job and still, unable to sleep. I wonder what's going on with me. - So let's roll along now. Coffee's in the press here, at “House Number 50” on the list. It's been a busy life. - 10.18 Pay-roll got posted to the chequing here, in town. Posted as of 15 Oct. So last night/this morning must have been a “glitch”. BUT... 74,41? I worked NINE hours for the first week, 3 in Schroon Lake plus 2 shifts of 3 hours each and at the 13,50/hr, our of 9 hours... that's pay for 5! FOUR hours in taxes taken? Or... glitch in the pay-roll? Or... less than 13.50/hr? (I've had THAT happen... like the promised 20 from Mr. Schmulik and then ON pay-day, told “You're getting 18 because you don't have any previous experience.” Fuck YOU. Anyway... no need, no sense in getting worked-up over this. I'd hoped for at least 100. But, since that didn't happen.. we live on what we have... and yes... I'll be off for a VODKA today! I worked for it and I deserve it! (Not to mention: we'll think of it as 1060 from the SS, plus 74, so this month's income is 1134. Now there we have it. (Hopefully NEXT month, there'll be a notice of the “COLA” increase of 2 per-cent (sounds like nasty milk) in the SS. 21,20. 1081 would be nice. And right now, that 20 extra will come in quite handy. (As I thought this morning, before going off to bed: Why bother with furnishing this place or much of anything else for that matter? Because yes, I came home to die, but I'll do so in comfort!) - There we have it. Now to get to my morning coffee and to finish that half smoke I started. (Oh, Nancy's back. That fucking post office is the town's life! As for the smoking and such, I'm at the point where:
Ms. Diva bumps about, listens to her computer and such with no regard for me.
Folks gather on the porch, yammering and the likes, with no regard for me.
Biddy's over there, yammering, and banging about the walls, leaks in the plumbing, no regard for me.
Folks live theirs with no regard for me... I owe them nothing.
My rent and bills are paid... by me, food in the fridge, paid by me, gas in the truck, paid by me...
And should I find something more suitable to my comfort in the manner of “housing”?
“Now residing in number 51.”
Thank you and have a nice day. - MOVING ALONG... Carrying on... - 13.33 Worked a bit on a new “drop-down” menu for the Journal (on-line) for the past several hours. Then, transferred 10 per-cent from cheque to savings at the CU. Ah... THANKFULLY, rang the liquor store: CLOSED FOR VACATION! NEAREST NEXT? TICONDEROGA! (And the reviews are “pricey”.) ALL of the others are about 30 miles away! Keeseville, Lake Placid, Schroon Lake... I don't want to be driving over mountains today! And Walmart shopping? NO fucking sheets! A “MagLite” (that I truly could use) is 30$... before batteries. There's about 35 in the account after I pull 40 (if I do so), which I could do in Ticonderoga. AND... of course, the thought of driving is making me sick to my stomach, as it does of late. It's over-cast out there, breezy, chilly, damp. Not the kind of “break-down” weather one would “delight in”. And I don't want to go all the way into Ticonderoga for a bottle. I COULD get ice cream at Walmarde. Could probably get more food-stuffs whilst there as well. But... travel. Imagine me not wanting to travel! Oh, gone are the “good old days” of getting into the vehicle and being gone. (I'm procrastinating now... and want to simply go for a lie-down... typical of late.) And my fingers are cold, I'm chilled. And I think I'm tired (of course). - 16.37 I fucked this day to it's very shreds! Laid down, set the alarm for 30 minutes. The alarm sounded. I turned it off and... laid back down... for ANOTHER 30-fucking minutes! And so... I got out of the bed at almost 16-fucking-o-fucking-clock! The day is... GONE! SHIT! No shopping now... it's getting too fucking dark! Imagine that. So no beverages tonight. FUCK FUCK FUCK! (I could get some “malt” beverage at the market but... NO. Seems THAT gives me worse spasms and I don't need any more of those, thank you. Lately, they're back and keeping me from a good night's sleep! SO? So... I'VE BAKED COOKIES! Took the basic flour, sugar, egg, baking soda, some butter, mixed in a bit of chocolate syrup and... added just enough water to turn the “crumble” to a cookie dough and... AND... three dozen later... They're not BAD! Not great! But they're “cookies” of a sort. Almost “cakes”. But not bad at all! AND it took the chill off the house too! WIN-WIN! - 16.56 Cookies are done! Burger on the stove... with more left-over rice tonight. At least there's some ice cream left to go with the cookies after. And... perhaps tonight, “Nighty Night” tea... Don't have to be at work until 16.00 tomorrow (time to ponder a run to a liquor store?). Or... to fuck another day away. Then comes Friday. BFD. Then Friday and Saturday “off” and back to work, again, 16-19.00 on Sunday. Oh well. (I must remember: Even 10$ is 10$ more than I've got now.) - So, the day is done, the evening is here and in moments, 'twill be night and... fucked. How charming. Oh well. At least it's hot enough in this house right now to sit nekkid! (I just might.) - Time to continue. - Oh... MagLite at Walkmarde? 30-fucking-bucks. Hell no! Not this week anyway. So on we move. - 17.45 3 dozen cookies, a burger, rice, cookies and ice cream... the only thing that needs to be done at this hour? Wash the glass and spoon I had the ice cream in. HOW? HOW do I DO THIS? And yet, to drive about makes me sick, and depressed and “there's not enough time”. WHAAAAT? Anyway... “The Five”. I'm done. - 22.05 Even with a Nighty Night tea... got caught up looking for futons. There's a REALLY NICE one AND a small table with for 150 in... So. BTV. As I see, it's 37mi. away if I take the ferry and for 150... I'll take the ferry! Sent an e-mail. Will call the number tomorrow. IF all goes well (which it won't, of course), I could go on Wednesday! I've looked for stores in Pltbg. Nothing. On-line? UGLY! So... Crgslst it is then. - Anyway... I'm going out for a smoke in the rain and then to brush the teeth and TRY for some fucking SLEEP! It gets to this hour and I'm ready to roll! THIS shit has GOT to END! - 23.14 Had the Nighty Night tea... just took a naproxen (my right elbow has been so SORE.. AND I'm hoping it'll help with sleep). - That “what-ever” in the wall is awake again tonight. If I can find where it is, exactly, I'll pop a hole in the wall and put in some moth-balls... if I can ever find any! I don't want it dead... I just don't want it gnawing on the electrics! - Meanwhile, the rains are falling out-side, I'm smoking entirely too much (and will have one more before toddling off to bed). Belly's full though. And a drink would have been MUCH better tonight. - So there we have it. Another day closes. - OH OH OH... I don't know if I mentioned: Amanda sent a text today, asking if my direct deposit was posted and if the amount was OK! IMAGINE? SHE TAKES AN INTEREST! I'M BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER! I thanked her, told her that it DID post but I'm not sure about the amount... it might be taxes, I'll check the “advice” tomorrow. (Meanwhile, 74,41 does seem wrong. If payroll ended on Sunday that first week, I worked 9 hours: 121,50, got paid 74,41, so that would mean 47,09 was taken in taxes! 38 PER-CENT? That's a bit steep. I'll have to check into it. The only thing I can think of is that I got paid for only 6 hours for some reason which would mean only “Orientation” and that Wednesday or Thursday so I'm one day behind... or I didn't get paid for Orientation and only got that Wednesday and Thursday. In any event, we'll see tomorrow evening. But I'm still amazed that Amanda takes an interest. - That said... time to try... TRY for SLEEP! Fuck!

Thu.17.Oct: 8.44 AND I SLEPT LAST NIGHT! OH! DID I SLEPT! Save for the 2.00 up to pee. BUT I SLEPT! IT WAS WONDERFUL! And I wanted to keep slepting when I woke this morning, and got out of the bed at 8.30. WOW! The only trouble is, I'm still a bit on the “slepting” side as I type this. The down-side of slepting so well is the morning after when it takes a while to wake up. BUT, THAT was WONDERFUL! Shame, really, that it took the naproxen and the tea. Oh well. Thankfully, I don't have to be “awake” until this evening. - And I had a strange dream. Terribly odd, a bit stressful. But nothing too horrific. In fact, when I woke out of it at 2.00, I wanted to get back to it to finish it, but I didn't. - And when I woke, that little wall critter was doing some sort of “arranging” or something in there. It almost sounded like it had made its way through the wall. “Sounded” that way. But I don't see any signs of it having done. - And it rained last night. I peeked out the window (peeked OUT the window, as opposed to peeking “IN” windows, I'll note here) to see the “stream” running along the road. This morning, it's not raining but there's a “mist” on the mountains, the sky is a bit on the “dark” side, there's a wind blowing up from the South (I'm in from a smoke), and most of the leaves are gone from the trees. Last night was THE beginning of the stripping of the trees. The “colours” are officially “gone” now. Next? Colour to be swapped for the whites and pale blues... of snow and ice. HERE WE GO boizen gurlz. Winter is moving in. - As for the DREAM:
The general tone was “night” darkness in the “building”, and heavy over-cast Winter out-side. I was in somebody's flat, a large flat, the owner was obviously exceptionally well-to-do. Why, exactly, I was there, wasn't clear. Something between it being me residence and staying with somebody.. a friend or an acquaintance. The strangest part was that I didn't know where I was, and how I got there wasn't at all known either. My presence wasn't pleasant, nor appreciated by the home-owner, a “parent”, “father”, or elder sibling, some sort of relative of the “friend” who'd “taken me in”. The flat was large, many very large rooms, expensively furnished, long halls between rooms, very high ceilings, but always so very dark. I'd just woken, in one large, dark room, and had gone to rinse my “clench guard” in the loo. As it rinsed (as I usually do every morning, in reality), I had to go back to my room, and in my absence, the “father” had gone to the loo to shower. In “my” room, clothes were scattered about, the bed was un-made, general disarray. I went back to the loo to fetch the guard and it was gone. But the glass I used had been left there. The “father” had taken it from the basin and put a face cloth over it. As I got to the door, he handed it to me. I offered to return the face cloth (it was dry, un-used) and he told me to keep it. He didn't want to touch it and it was some-how clear to me that he was going to throw it in the garbage. That was the general attitude toward me: anything I touched in the house was to be disposed of as garbage. He was “pleasant”, in an arrogant, pompous sort of way, but it was clear to me that I was NOT welcome in the house and was “soiling” everything, just with my presence. I wondered about the clench-guard but some-how knew that it had been tossed into the trash already. Not wanting to create any conflict or argument, I went back to “my” room with the glass. The “father” dropped the face cloth into the little waste bin in the loo. In “my” room, I dressed, walked through a door that brought me to a “common” hall-way for the building. It was plain, dark, concrete walls and floors, painted a VERY dark grey colour. It was wet. Water along the sides with some built-up “sludge” of some kind. Filthy! In complete contrast to the flat. I was angry, annoyed at having been brought to this place under a guise of being “helpful”, only to be mistreated and made to feel “lowly”, an intruder. I knew that the liquid on the hall floors was flammable, and there were “sparklers” there. I wanted to ignite the liquid, starting a fire. I thought that the concrete walls would contain the fire, causing nothing worse than panic, but if the building burned, I didn't care. Touching the sparklers to the liquid, they ignited, but the liquid didn't. I ignited a few sparklers, set them along the hall-way and went to the stairs. We were on an upper floor and I could have gone back into the flat to walk through to the lift, which opened directly into the flat, but I didn't dare, considering I was in the filthy hall-way and would be yelled at for tracking the filth in. The stair-well was concrete as well, same dark grey colour, open to the out-side. The weather was Wintry. Heavily over-cast, it was snowing, but warm. And I was in clothes only, no jacket or coat. - Down on the street, at a corner, I met with the “friend” who'd brought me there. He (he was present, but I never actually saw him in the dream, he was a “presence” either behind or beside me, always just out of my sight, some-how) was with some “buddies” of his. They were rather derelicts, no good, always involved in some sort of criminal activities. Thugs and the likes. I kept wondering where I was, where this place was. “Queens?” I thought. “Perhaps on the Long Island border? Or The Bronx, at the Westchester border? No. We're too far out. They've brought me out here so that I won't know where I am or how to get back. I'm not a 'prisoner' of any sort, but they obviously don't want me to find my way back. It's so rural out here. I know that, if I could find some kind of something to identify this place, I could figure a way to get back.” (Though I wasn't sure where “back” was... just that it was in The City.) I looked for a street sign at the corner and through the blowing snow I saw one. I thought that the colouring would indicate something but the sign was a colour that couldn't be discerned, identified. (It was a sort of mixture of dark grey, green, blue with very old and worn lettering in a sort of “white” colour, but it really was one of the oddest things I've ever seen, even in a dream!) The post was tilted, as if blown over by the wind, or having been hit at some point and never repaired. It read “Post 7”. “Post 7?” I thought. “That doesn't give me ANY idea of where I am! The colour doesn't tell me, the name doesn't tell me. I need to find another sign! And I don't know what the cross street is!” As I stood there, the others all engaged in some sort of chatting about starting some sort of trouble, I noticed that we were at the foot of a rather large, high, very steep hill. The street was covered in snow, and the snow was blowing all about us. A yellow “Jeep” of sorts, came RUSHING over the top of the hill, became air-borne for a bit and came crashing down onto the snow-covered pavement, spun side-ways and slid down the hill. “Typical of people from this area.” I thought. “Inconsiderate of everything around them. If that idiot slides off the road and into a building he'll damage the building. They're all like that out here. It's typical and so common.” I was disgusted. But I didn't know where I was, in spite of the thoughts about the people there. I thought, “If I could get a map, or some sort of connection to the Internet, I could try to put this street in and get, at the very least, an idea as to where I am!” The name “Post 7” just annoyed me, being so damned vague... And that's when I woke to the sound of the wall-critter, and what sounded like water dripping in the wall at my head.
And so, being awake from the dream, I laid in the bed, listening to the light scratching in the far wall between the bed-and-living-rooms, the light “tapping” of what I thought sounded like water dripping in the wall at the head of the bed. I had to pee, so I got up, looked out the window to see the water rushing about the road, the scratching in the wall stopped (of course it did), the fucking fridge started running again. (It annoys the shit out of me, this piece of trash, set at the lowest setting, I do believe, and yet the damned thing runs, and runs, and runs... and it seems it runs more often at night than during the day!) So I got out of the bed and headed for the loo. But oddly, I noticed that the bed doesn't creak at all, neither did the floor-boards! I managed to get to and from the loo with-out making any sort of sound at all! It was SO silent, in fact, that I wondered if I was awake at all, or was it all just part of the dream. And so, I pee'ed, went back to bed, and hoped that I could get back to the dream... to give it some sort of “meaning” or another. But... I slept-through, dreamlessly, until I heard the “8.00” alarm this morning, at which point, I turned it off, and, being SO SO SO comfortable, dozed back off until 8.30. - And there we have it. - Now, it's 9.36. As I've been typing, Ms. Biddy's opened for biz, Ms. Diva too is stirring, like a critter in the walls (or Ms. Carla has arrived and is doing something or another about the place over there). “Paul” is in the PO, yammering away. Zeke was barking out front. And the thumping about at chez Ms. Diva is on the increase. The wind out-side has picked-up. The rain's come back. The light on the kitchen table has flickered twice. Looks like we're in for quite the morning! And... a message from Dorothy already, complaining that “It's 46 brrr degrees”. Yep. Another day rolls in. - This lap-top Journal is up to 16 pages. I have to get it on-line this morning. And later, I'll have to check about that futon set in BTV. Then? Another 3 hours at the store... probably, again, in the coolers. Alas. - HEY! At least I slept last night! And I'm only just starting to actually wake up. - 11.38 I'VE GOT THE FUTON!!! 125 FOR FUTON, MATTRESS AND TABLE! BUT... now I have to get to So. BTV next week, either Wed. or Sat. AND BACK... AND via the ferry! I talked with the woman selling. MUST be “in the money” because they have several properties. The “wealthy” of Chittenden. Oh well. But the strangest sensation is knowing where she is and how to get there. Nowland Farm... just up from Allen Rd. I used to take Nowland Farm to get to Dorset to Kennedy! SO strange, knowing my way round... Vermont! Anyway, now we start with the anxieties (of course) of hoping the truck makes the trip BOTH WAYS... with NO dash lights and functioning brakes and all the rest of the functions. OH... a little bit of excitement. Timing is good though: Wednesday is a double-pay-day. Soc.Sec. and Stewart's. NOT, mind, that that's a YUGE WAD of cash. But, it's better than having to eat my soul to shreds worrying about what what will and won't be paid. (I just fucking “think” things into terror... I've been told that all so often.) - Meanwhile, the “warmth” of this place this morning is disappearing. The winds are picking up. I'm HOPING the truck isn't SOAKED inside from all the rain and that it'll run just perfectly fine this evening. There's always something to get the nerves bouncing. - Today's post brought a “Welcome” letter from Stewart's along with some mention of “trusting” others. “Cryptic”, but then again... I'm “thinking it” all too deeply. - One “concern” that I almost forgot: This morning, at the 2.00 wake-up, when I went back to bed, the thought: I wouldn't be at all shocked if I get some kind of “word” from Alden telling me “This isn't working out.” and some sort of “notice” that I'll have to leave here... before I find another place to go to. I'm on a “month-to-month” here, no lease, just utility bills to prove residence. Yes, of course, at this point, it would take “legal action”. But the very thought: he rented for the Winter months and come Spring, I'll be tossed, ready or not. I wouldn't be surprised. But for now, the current rent is paid, so too, November. We shall see. I just don't like the fact that such a thought would come to mind. “Premonitions”... I've been “gifted” with them through my life-time. Well? Only “Time” will tell. Meanwhile... finish this morning's coffee. - 12.15 and the moments SPEED away now. But the Journal is up on-line, both the “site” and the “blog”. The rains are still falling. There's much traffic out there. I wonder why. More than usual. There's a distinct “chill” in the house and the oven is on. But the place is so silent, other-wise. And my guts are roaring... excitement about the futon, anxiety about the truck. Oh well... let there never be “peace”. Eh? - That reminds me: “Louise” said she detected a noticeable “Montréal” accent when we spoke this morning. I guess it's “mine” now. Could be worse. As Oma said “Hang on to that. It shows you've been other places in the world.” Indeed... I shall do. - Now, on with what-ever is to be “salvaged” of the remaining hours. - 15.11 Multiple messages from Amanda today. Seems she's discovered what-ever error was made in pay-roll and she's SO apologetic! It's “interesting”... Of course, I expect a “flip” at some point, but for now, it's “home”. Folks are serious about such things. Me? Well... as long as I get the money for the work, I don't really care. - Meanwhile... GOT THE DROP-DOWN FOR THE JOURNAL DONE! NOW... I have to re-code ALL the pages. Maybe this evening, I can learn “inserts” and the likes. Keeps the brain going... as the body shuts down. - Still rainy. Still windy. Still damp. Still cool. I just hope the truck makes today's journeys. We shall know when we return. - 19.41 Dinner is on the stove... AT LAST! I rolled in at 19.27, in the dark. Winter is upon us, indeed. There was talk of downed power-lines some-where and traffic being detoured through E-Town tonight. Hmmm... Thankfully, not in New Russia. - Work? Well, looks like I'm “stock”... Paula mentioned “You and Glen will co-ordinate...” Fine. Not really what I enjoy, but I suppose it beats being with the customers all the time. And, no “financial responsibility”. Anyway... she also mentioned “the new store” and things being different over there so I suppose I'm getting to “know the stock” and then moving on. - And so... time to eat. I want a vodka but am having some kind of “hard seltzer”. Oh well. We shall see what tomorrow brings. - Meanwhile... off we go to settling in. (I need a shower before bed! That cooler area STINKS! And now, so do I. Fuck.) - 20.39 JUST finished my “meal”... burger, 3 eggs, bread and butter... Stewart's “Philly Vanilla” ice cream. (I prefer Walmarde's ice cream.) Now? The oven is on. Maybe it was the ice cream but it's cold now. - Watched Fox News with meal too! Nice to know it's available when I have the time to watch. - Anyway... time to un-wind or what-ever. Not sure how. I'd almost like to go right to bed but... no doubt, by the time it's time to do so... I'll be wide awake again. I can only hope not. -

Fri.18.Oct: 0.47 OFF TO THE SHOWER! I've done it a-fucking-gain! - 8.45 and up at 8.28. Coffee done. Smoke done and just in the nick of time too. I came in, Biddy arrived. - Am I well-rested? No, not really. I could go right back to bed. But, I'm up and the day's begun so here I am, wondering what to do with this day. A trip to Ticonderoga? I might should but then again, I don't dare. That truck has to be in running order in a few days (or a week). There really isn't any money to spend until Wednesday. There's nothing but smokes needed (and ice cream, of course). Oh well. We'll see what's come of the day when the day's come and gone. - For now... here we are. - At least the sun is shining. But the mountains? Colour is GONE! Greens, browns and greys up there. And some low-hanging clouds. Hey. At least it's not whites and pale blues... yet. - 6° now, high of 9, low of 1 tonight (which means closer to 0 or minus). Wednesday, it says, 12° and, of course, “averses”. Fuck. Of course. Let's not make things any easier. Bad enough my thought this morning: “Woman. Vermont. Trouble. Louise.” AND... Chittenden! We shall see. We just shall see. - 11.17 Post is in (newspaper only, no bills, no “nasty” lettres). Met another semi-local: Bruce... from Florida! How serendipitous is that? “Bruce”, Florida. And Mme. “Therese” from Québec who almost obviously doesn't speak with me. Pas d'problemme, ça. - Sealed 2 front windows with stripping. The plants! MUST protect the plants! And today is a perfect day for it. The wind is rushing down the 9 from the North. And sealed the loo window as well. No “whistling”. Now to figure the bed-room and find where the cold is coming from in there, in spite of having the windows sealed with plastic. - But I can't complain. It's warm enough in here. Thankfully, the sun is shining in through the Southern windows, giving a bit of warmth. Welcome to The North Country. Oddly, Ms. Biddy and I were looking at the mountains this morning and thinking the same thing about the clouds: “Snow?” But nope. Bruce says Marcy got snow last night though. The highest peak of the High Peaks. Well? HERE IT COMES! No doubt. - As for the rest of this day? I don't need to get out so I probably won't. Though I might need to do so tomorrow (smokes, if nothing else). Sunday is back to work at 16.00 so I might just wait. There's no money to spend, nothing horrifically drastic that needs to be brought in. And I don't want to roll the truck any more than necessary... until next week... when it will be “necessary”... I think, I hope. Futon? - So it's off to “fill the day”. - Ms. Carla is next door this morning. Charming. Thankfully, those two keep to themselves now. “Peace”. - On with the day. I'm still working on this morning's coffee. - 16.15 And... WEDNESDAY IT IS THEN FOR THE FUTON! RECEIVED AN E-MAIL ASKING TO MAKE IT WEDNESDAY BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A LOT TO DO ON SATURDAY (no prob, no Shabbat) AND CLAIMING “I HAVE A LOT OF INTEREST IN THIS FUTON AND TABLE”. Suddenly? OK. Fine. Anyway... here we go. And I DID already note that I anticipate trouble: woman, VT... bull-shit. So we shall see. JUST AS LONG AS I DON'T DRIVE ALL THE FUCKING WAY THERE TO FIND SHE'D PARTED WITH IT. *THAT* WILL LEAD HER TO NO GOOD TO BE SURE. I'VE NO TOLERANCE FOR “VTers”! SO NOW COMMENCES THE ANXIETIES OF THE TRUCK MAKING THE TRIP. (It's going to leave me with about 250 for the rest of the month, plus the little from Stewart's but... at least there's Stewart's... better than what I've had and what I could have “not had”.) - Meanwhile, can't believe this day is already SHOT! WOW! - 18.18 Meal is done. Dishes are done and away. Water in the kettle for “flushing”. Things are settled. Friday night is falling. There are low clouds on yon mountains. “Nighty Night” and naproxen on the menu before shower before bed. Shabbat is in. The week is out. And there's not sense building anxieties over things that may or may not happen next week. DONE! Damn it! DONE! - Now, if only the propane would hold another 3 weeks, that would be great. It's another almost 4 weeks until the oil comes for the furnace. And at dinner time, I had the fucking fright: I poured cranberry juice to have with pasta and lentils, and when I took a sip, it wasn't as cold as usual! I was convinces that the fridge had finally died! But it's running now... I just wonder what the fuck was up with the juice. It wasn't on the table all that long and it's not all that hot in the house. Thankfully, the replacement of a fridge isn't my responsibility. But I've got a futon hanging over my head now... and I'm expecting some kind of bull-shit to take it away. (As I thought the other night, at 2.00, when I couldn't sleep: I'm here on “month-to-month” and I wouldn't put it past Alden to suddenly notify “This isn't working out well... You have to go.” and at a worst-possible time too. Nope. Wouldn't come as any surprise if. Ms. Diva and I don't even see each-other now for weeks. There's no “conflict”, no “tension”... as far as I'm concerned. But it wouldn't come as any surprise.) But as I say: There's no sense building anxieties over shit that hasn't happened... nor that which can't be controlled. - JUST LET ME GET THIS FUTON... THE TRIP THERE AND BACK... WITH *** NO *** DIFFICULTIES! That's all I ask. - And tomorrow? Nothing on the agenda. So should I decide to sleep-in or stay the day in bed? My choice. Nothing will be thrown to the side. There. Done. - Oh... and I found the house for the futon. It appears to be such an easy drive! Of course, I have to take the over-priced ferry, but... We shall see. - 23.55 I got caught-up in making a delightful “hand-written” note animation for Otto Didactic on Minds and the night has now slipped away! I've had a Nighty Night (the bag broke so I dumped the tea into the mug and poured the water over... not bad!) and a naproxen, so when I finally DO get into bed, it should be a great night... one can only hope. The last time I tried this, it was a 2.00 to bed night! NOT this one, this time! - 5° out there, I see. Chill of 2°. Low expected to be 1° so we're going for the MINUS in the chills. It'll be interesting to see how the radiators hold against the cold tonight. 3 more weeks... Thus far, it's not bad in here... in the kitchen anyway. - Well... I want a quick shower before bed tonight and a last smoke so... Let's see if I can wrap this shit up before 1.00 (tomorrow... since it's already 23.59...)

Sat.19.Oct: 0.31 I've just typed my “Living Will and Last Testament”. Now, I can get it hand-written (and printed, one of these days, probably at the local library). That's a relief... or almost, since it's of no use until on paper. - Having my hot water and then... off to shower and to bed! - 1.05 Showered an off to be! - 8.44 and at 8.00 this sunny but chilled morning.... the screeching commenced. Ms. Biddy's brought the pets to work again. And there's the apparatus for the “Clean Up”... the “Good Folks of New Russia” and the “Highway Clean-up” crew. I should have known. But I'm dressed, coffee's on, in from a smoke as one of the pets came to play on the front porch. I don't much care. And, had things been “different”, I might be all-in about the “meeting” that's to take place at some point this morning. But I won't be participating tomorrow. I'll be working. (I would have liked to join the festivities but the time constraint, and needing to be ready for work in the evening... I doubt it's in my best interest. I don't know that this old body will co-operate with it all. Alas.) - Whites are in on the soak in the basin. And there's really nothing on the “agenda” for the day, save, keeping a civil tongue in mouth. It's about the absence of consideration. There's no reason for making such a disturbance in the morning in front of somebody's home. Bad enough I have to hear the banging going on next door in the PO... not to mention the old thing in the back of the house. Me? I sit here, most quietly, just because that's the way I believe “good humans” should be expected to behave. Oh well... another tick on the list of reasons to move along. I wanted “quiet”. I was told it would be. It isn't. There must be some place on Earth... Patience. - I set my sights on the future... what-ever will be... will be. - And so... I move along... move along... move along... - 2° I see it's claimed to be out there, with a chill of 0. It didn't feel so cold when I stepped out. But then again, I'm not exactly “awake” yet. 11 for the high. Wednesday is still “risque d'averses” , less than a “mm” of “pluie”, high of 12°. We shall see. We shall see. - Fine. Time to roll along. “Merrily”? It's to be seen. - 11.16 I could... probably should, laugh: Ms. Biddy and the brats are in the yard... RAKING THE LEAVES! (Noting: Nobody's raking at Alvin's.) And only about a week ago, we were discussing the raking of leaves and both of us agreed that it's best to leave them and then “mulch” with the first lawn-mowing of the Spring. Ah... but... Let's not forget that Ms. Biddy is... “Vermont” and as 'twas told by Jack Malone: “You're making the rest of them look bad.” That said, and proven, I MUST believe that there's an ulterior motive behind this and that “words will be dropped” about the matter... none to be favourable, where I'm concerned. Just noting. Also, just finishing this morning's coffee. The sun is shining in through the Southern windows. It's a touch on the “chilly” side in the house. The brats are screeching like banshees in the yard. Nothing comes as a surprise any more. - 17.23 Just heating the left-over pasta and lentil from last night as the sun sets o'er yon mountains yonder. It's been a day of coding... the drop-down menu for this journal. At last, I do believe I have it where I want it. NOW... I'll have to re-code all the pages on-line! (Thankfully, I can't touch the WordPress version because that'll just strip the scripting. So? So...) And after I've eaten, it appears I'll be heading into town for smokes and dessert. - Biddy and the brats left at about noon. So too, the “throngs”... tee-hee... of “clean-up “Good Folks”. The rest of the day was calm. Ms. Diva has been out and returned. All's well... “well” in centre-city New Russia. (I just hope the truck goes and returns... no shit.) - Off to “dine and drive”. Not too shoddy a day... all told. But it was delightful, weather-wise. It would have been a most beautiful day to be out and about... I DO miss those days. Perhaps, one day, again... soon (after I get the futon here). - 19.04 Here we go... trying for a run, in the dark, into town. (And my chest is as tight as if banded in steel.) - 21.51 THERE WAS A SOUND OF SOMETHING STRIKING SOMETHING OUT FRONT JUST MOMENTS AGO, AND A CAR WITH EXHAUST TROUBLES WAS SEEN BACKING INTO THE DRIVE OUT BACK, THEN WENT DOWN AND APPARENTLY BACKED INTO LAKOTA. I WENT OUT TO CHECK THE TRUCK... IN THE DARK, AND AS I DID, THE CAR CAME BACK UP SIMONDS HILL, MADE A RIGHT-HAND TURN (TOWARD ELIZABETHTOWN) AND DROVE AWAY. THANKFULLY, NO DAMAGE TO THE TRUCK. (But I note this because I heard some thumping next door and have no doubt there'll be chat about me “wandering around in the dark” to come. QUNT!) - Anyway, I'm trying to re-establish an old “Parler” account this evening and that's kept me occupied. - Other-wise, at about 19.15 I headed into town to Stewart's where Paula was at registre. Got 2 more of those “Hard Seltzer” drinks, a half-gallon of ice cream (which was SO FROZEN SOLID when I got it to the house that I had to wait quite some time before I could get any out of the container), a pack of smokes. The drive to and from went with-out “incident”. Now, I just have to make it to work and back tomorrow and then... FUTON IN VT on Wednesday. - Meanwhile, I have to say that, in spite of the chill out-side tonight, these radiators are doing a WONDERFUL job at keeping it “comfortable” in here. - I've had my ice cream. I can't believe how quickly this night is going by. - AND I JUST HEARD THAT CAR DRIVING ABOUT ON THE 9 AGAIN!!! THEY'RE KNOWN TO BE TROUBLE, NOT THE BRIGHTEST FOLKS IN TOWN. THEY'RE THE ONES WHO BLAST THE MUSIC MOST WEEK-ENDS AND ARE GIVING JEFF ALL SORTS OF HELL. Me? I'm truly in “Battle Mode” here anyway and would think nothing, at this point in my life-time, of torching their fucking shack to the ground, should any damage come to me or mine. These people don't have ANY idea where I've been, what I've been through and the fact that I don't much care WHAT kind of “mark” I leave behind... and how ready I am to simply “leave” all of this anyway... and a visit from the police would be just the “stamp on my ticket out”. Fuck. - Anyway... wonderful shit for a night before a day of work. Thankfully, work isn't until 16.00. I'm going to open one of those beverages now...

Sun.20.Oct: 1.21 Too late again! Got caught up (again) in Minds... with so much support, philosophical discussion and the likes. Thankfully, I got two more of those “hard seltzers” to pass the evening. And now, I see that the temperature is 3° with a chill of 1, AND SNOW up around Sherbrooke! A check of the forecast shows that Thursday is expected to be a HAMMER! HEAVY rains across The North Country and VT! THURSDAY! Meanwhile, the futon will be just mere inches longer than the bed of the truck on Wednesday. The tail-gate will have to be open! Oh fucking JOY! I measured it in the parking lot at Stewart's. Oh well. As I keep reminding me: I've been through worse... the Shelter is my “Point of Reference” as is that wonderful Sunday morning when my “relatives” tossed me into a U-Haul. Not to mention the move here! In a truck packed so tightly I couldn't move in the driver's seat. And then, all the years of moving on my own. Yes, I'm older now than I was then, but I still have the determination. This too shall pass. - Meanwhile, I have to say that these little radiators were the most intelligent move I've made in life. They're keeping the “chill” out of the house. I'll have to see if I can't just muster-up the nerve to keep them going when I go to work ... this evening. I thought: Alden suggested closing-off the room I don't use (the “blue” room). I wouldn't mind so much, if that room got cold. It's against Ms. Diva's place and the cold wall is part of her place. But it's also part of my bed-room, the wall on which the bed is! So, nope. NOT letting THAT room get chilled. Again, the radiators are my salvation now. If not for them, I'd have to have the oven on all night! And THAT would pull electric! - Anyway, it's time to brush teeth and get to bed. Again, thankfully, no work until 16.00. Hopefully the idiots of town won't show up on the porch at 8.00 again this morning. JEEZUS! - Enough. I'm procrastinating. I just HATE going to bed... at night. - 10.45...
I LAID IN THE BED, WATCHING THE CLOCK PASSING THE TIME, THROUGH THE EARILIEST HOURS OF THE MORNING... LAYING THERE, WATCHING THE HOURS PASS... 2.00, 2.30, 3.00, 3.25, AT 4.00, I HAD TO GET UP... *** TOOTHACHE *** LOWER RIGHT, THE TOOTHE BEHIND THE FILLING! OUT OF NO-WHERE! PAIN!!! CLEAN. RINSE. POKE WITH THE PICK. TOOTHACHE GEL. AND BACK TO BED TO WATCH THE CLOCK... 5.00!!! 5.15!!! AWAKE ALL THROUGH THE ENTIRE NIGHT! FIVE-O-FUCKING CLOCK THIS MORNING! I LAID THERE, CONSIDERING JUST GETTING UP AND GIVING-IN TO THE IN-FUCKING-SOMNIA! SOME-TIME THERE-AFTER, I FINALLY DOZED-OFF!!! FIVE--O-FUCKING-CLOCK IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!! HELL !!! AND ON THE NIGHT BEFORE HAVING TO GO INTO FUCKING WORK!!! AND THE ANXIETY OF THINKING ABOUT TUESDAY NIGHT-WEDNESDAY MORNING, WONDERING IF THIS INSOMNIA SHIT WILL STRIKE THEN TOO. AND HAVING TO DRIVE TO VT HALF-DEAD, AND HAVING TO LOAD THE FUTON INTO THE TRUCK, THE MATTRESS, TIEING IT ALL DOWN PROPERLY SO IT DOESN'T SLIP OUT ON THE ROAD. THE FERRY. AND THEN... SITTING IN THE TRUCK ON ESSENTIALLY, A FLAT-BED, FOR 30 MINUTES AS THE DAMNED THING CROSSES THE LAKE, ROCKING AND SWAYING. AND I DRIFTED-OFF TO... WHAT-EVER SLEEP I COULD POSSIBLY GET AT THAT HOUR OF THIS MORNING! IT WAS UNADULTERATED HELL! AND THEN? 10.00 AND THE FIRST ALARM SOUNDED. I'D SET TWO ALARMS: 10.00 AND 10.30. I TURNED THE 10.00 ALARM OFF AND HALF-DOZED UNTIL... 10.30 ALARM. WITH THAT ONE, I GOT UP TO BEGIN WHAT-EVER IS LEFT OF THIS MORNING. BY 10.36 I WAS UP AND ABOUT, COFFEE ON, AND NOW I'M JUST IN FROM A SMOKE ON THE PORCH. LESS THAN 5 HOURS OF “REST”. IN-FUCKING-SOMNIA. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I'M NOT EXACTLY “BRIGHT” AT THIS HOUR. AND ALL I KEEP THINKING IS: THIS IS LIKE THOSE MORNINGS OF HAVING TO GO TO WORK, IN HOWARD BEACH, BEING THERE, NEEDING TO BE CHEERFUL AND ENERGETIC, TO GET CARMINE OUT OF A SHIT-FILLED, PISS-SOAKED BED, INTO THE SHOWER, CHANGE THE FUCKING LINENS AND SPEND 8 HOURS WITH THE POOR SOUL, MAKING SURE HE EATS PROPERLY, GETS A BIT OF EXERCISE, DOESN'T FALL. AND THERE WAS THE DAY OF THE “EARTH-QUAKE”, AS I SAT ON THE SOFA, TRYING TO STAY AWAKE, ALONE, SECOND STOREY, AS THE HOUSE ROLLED... AND ALL OF THIS SHIT AFTER HAVING FINALLY DRIFTED-OFF IN THE SHELTER AT 2.30, TO GET UP AT 4.30, SHOWER, DRESS, GRAB THE BUS TO THE SUBWAY TO THE BUS TO THE HOUSE. THIS EVENING, ANOTHER NEED TO GET TO A JOB THAT I DON'T EXACTLY NEED BUT I DO, IN A WAY, THAT I DON'T LIKE AS I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE GOING TO HOWARD BEACH. THIS... IS... “LIFE”... IT NEVER ENDS. So much for typing all that in bold, with italics. Coffee's in the press. It's a bit over-cast this chilled, Autumn morn. The house is a bit chilled as well, but not intolerable. And the tooth is just letting me know that things are not as they should be. Not “painful” but certainly not “as it should be”. My eyes don't want to focus. My bowels are having a bit of a “stir”, and this morning, as over night, I've a bit of a “chill” to the bones as well and THAT TOO, PLAYED INTO THE INSOMNIA... WONDERING WHY I HAD A CHILL, UNDER THE BLANKETS. TOOTHACHE? CHILLS? THE DREAD OF ANOTHER KINDNEY INFECTION. NO MEDICAL COVERAGE. IT'S SENSELESS, TO EVEN PONDER THE WHOLE OF IT. I'VE COME HOME TO DIE ANYWAY. Seriously, if I get the futon, that would be fine. If I don't, it's one less thing some-body else will have to dispose of... I've come home to die. - OK. The morning is rolling on. Tonight will be what it will be. And OH WHAT FUCKING FUN! I JUST NOTICED THAT I'LL BE WORKING TUESDAY NIGHT UNTIL 20.00! IN AT 17.00 OUT AT 20.00 AND WEDNESDAY MORNING, UP, TO THE PO TO SEND THE RENT, OFF TO THE BANQUE TO GET THE CASH, ON THE ROAD, ACROSS THE LAKE... BAD ENOUGH VT IS INVOLVED. WELL? FUKKIT! LET IT ROLL. SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO CLOSE OUR EYES, LEAN FORWARD AND LET GO. Sometimes... - Fine. Let's see how this morning rolls... tonight rolls... and the rest will be what it will be. - FUCK. - 14.21 The oven is on because the chill in my bones won't go away and I'm peeing like... well.. at least it doesn't burn and it's clear. - Have jut finished coffee, am a bit on the “hungry” side but don't want to eat anything lest I aggravate the tooth again. NOT looking forward to going in to work. Haven't had a nap. Am more in “over-tired” than “tired”. And won't be having a “meal” until about 20.00 tonight. Oh... what a day. And it's gone over-cast, damp, chilly. Lovely. Not to mention: the whole of the day on soc.med. Moving along... It's the only thing to do. - 19.49 Dinner is served and I rolled back in at 19.15! MADE IT! (Sadly, I'm not tired... a-FUCKING-gain!) It's chilly in the house. All heaters are one... (oven too).

Mon.21.Oct: 0.54 ANOTHER night! It's going to be ANOTHER night of the same SHIT! I've been on Minds... Theresa wired 1000 tokens which have been sent off to Otto and DeadArtist (to get them off the JAK account before ANOTHER theft runs through it). But I can't believe I'm still awake and now... I'M IN OVER-TIRED AND RUNNING ON NOTHING BUT... I DON'T KNOW WHAT! And I'll have errands today. - Anyway, at least I got my pay advice today... - 1.34 ALMOST FORGOT TO INCLUDE *** RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM LOUISE (yesterday): SHE SENT PHOTOS OF THE FUTON WITH WORD THAT SHE DISCOVERED THAT WITH A ALLEN WRENCH, IT CAN BE DISASSEMBLED AND THE MATTRESS CAN BE FOLDED! BLESS HER. SHE REFERRED TO IT AS “YOUR” FUTON! NOW BEGINS MY ANXIEITIES ABOUT MAKING THE TRIP! (Maybe that's the unconscious cause of this fucking insomnia!) - Also, have just figured the error of STEWART'S: I DIDN'T GET PAID FOR THE FIRST WEEK! 3 DAYS, INCLUDING THE TRIP TO SCHROON LAKE! I'll settle that when I drop by the store... later today... when I'm awake. Fuck. - 2.16 IWIDE-A-FUCKING-WAKE AND GOING TO FUCKING BED! - 8.45 AND I'M UP AGAIN! AND DRESSED! AND IN FROM A SMOKE! AND THE COFFEE'S IN THE PRESS! And I really do NOT know WHY! Yes, I'm feeling the lack of proper sleep. I was up, AGAIN, with the tooth-ache this morning. ANOTHER application of “gel”. Thankfully, right after, I went back to bed and to “sleep”. That was at about 2.-something. I'd gone to bed, read to the end of the book I've been re-reading, lights out at about 2.00. Laid there, NOT able to get to sleep again, in spite of being very comfy. The tooth started, in anger, I got up, went to the loo, jabbed the shit into the space between the stumps (teeth), went back to bed and, in anger, fell asleep. This morning? Up just before the “8.00” alarm (7.47). Laid in the bed pondering whether or not to get up and, some minutes later, got up. - The sun is shining. The skies are clear. The ground has a light covering of frost. 3° out there, so I see. 15 for the high. 6 for tonight's low. Wednesday? 13 for the high and... “Quelques averses”... 60 per-cent. Fukkall. - Well? I'll need a quick trip into town today. Smokes and settling a pay-roll error... I didn't get paid for the 9 hours in the first week. “Lag”? I think not. But I have to return the “theft alarm” neck-thingie that I wore back home last night, and arrange for on-line access to pay-roll anyway. So? So. - And of course, there's the “Wednesday anxieties” hanging all over me. If anything in this world will “take me out of here”... it'll be the stresses. I'm almost surprised those haven't ripped me to the ground already. - Ah... the sounds of Ms. Biddy on the porch... the day commences. Fuck. - 12.26 WELL!!! ***THIS HAS BEEN A MORNING!!!*** First of ALL... today's post brought word of the “new payment plan” on the “FedLoan”.... ALMOST 142$/MONTH!!! I was told that I'd qualify for ZERO at the end of my 5$ payments! SO... I tried to get access on-line? FUCKED! I can't find my “ID” nor my “Password” nor my “e-mail”. THAT aspect of this situation is a fukkup. Not surprising. SO... I phoned... got a REALLY kind sort of fellow who will be sending me the “papers” to complete and return. Looks like I “qualify” for the “zero” but, I could have done on-line... I opted for PAPER... which means I have to get some “printing” done but... I don't care! NO MORE “on-line” shit! - Fine. That done, a text to Amanda: Will you be at the store? Answer: Nope. BUT... I needed smokes and needed to return the “neck alarm” anyway so, into the truck, into “the city” and... at the store... THERE WAS AMANDA! I returned the “alarm”, thanked her, in person, for her concern about my pay-roll, she assured me it will be in THIS pay (Wednesday this week!), and all else is fine. I got ice cream (for my desserts) and smokes (for my general over-all well-being) and with-in 30 minutes... all done. I'm back. - OH! AND THE ALLEN WRENCHES I NEED FOR WEDNESDAY? ALREADY IN THE TRUCK! YAY! - So NOW... to figure the 'on-line” pay-roll and ... what-ever is to come next. - The sun is shining, the skies are clear, it's about 10° but the sun is warm and the morning has rolled into “tea time”... - That fucking tooth is still letting me know that something's not correct. - Oh... and my oil pressure in the truck seems “high”. Must to check why. - 23.04 I HAD to stay awake to see the results of the elections in Canada and... though I'm glad I did, I sick with the results! Libs stay, though by a slight margin and they didn't get the 170 seats to make “majority” but... “4 more years” of Trudeau. Canada will be dead before y'know it. - Anyway... I got to watch it live. SUCH FUN. And posted to Minds, Politichatter and Gab whilst. Me... your “Political Reporter” (to an audience that doesn't give a shit). - Meal was fine. Rice, burger. Ice cream. Done. Had a hot water and naproxen. Now for last smoke and an attempt at sleep. Tomorrow night's going to be difficult: Anxieties up the hoo-hah, I've no doubt, and nothing to “take the edge off”. Alas. But for now I'm yawning... there might be a slight glimmer of hope. - 23.48 One more water for the road and off to bed! DONE!

Tue: 22.Oct: 8.11 and I'm in disbelief: AT 1.00, the lights went out. At about 3.25, a pee-break. At 7.47, the alarm sounded. And now, coffee's in the press, I'm in from a smoke, in the warm breeze, under the clouds, dressed and... FEELING RESTED! I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! “THIS CAN'T BE GOOD.” as Sarah used to say, with great dramatics. IF ONLY this could be Wednesday morning! Tomorrow morning! If I could repeat last night's steps to sleep, MAYBE tomorrow morning will be the same? Rested. How wonderful would THAT be? Eh? WOW! - So now, we're on with this day. There's work this evening, at 17.00. The only draw-back is that it's until 20.00... a tough late. BUT... I could have “meal” before work, if I play this day correctly. I'll set my “goal” for that much. Then, come back, have a snack, take a shower, get into bed. Last night I realised that, if I get into BTV early enough, I could run up Dorset to Williston rd., drop in at Staples, get the biz-card inserts, maybe stop at Michael's, if there's anything I need there, get the futon and make the return. (My ONLY concern, to be honest, is the weather. Especially since the futon is just slightly longer than the bed of the truck, and there's a chance of “averses”.) It would make perfect sense. It's about the brakes, primarily. But we shall see how it all rolls. Meanwhile, I'm still in disbelief: I slept last night. Wonders... never cease. - Moving along... - 13.34 PSYCHOTIC! I have tomorrow's schedule, by time/hour, listed, AND budget forecast (roughly). I have the bed ready for getting into tonight. Chicken is in oven for tonight and tomorrow (leaving me with no meats to eat in the house there-after). Plotted trips to and from, including stop at Staples (to get the sheets for the biz cards file), Mobil (to fill the tank in VT where gas is cheaper... I hope), MAYBE a stop at Hannaford's on Dorset. THEN to the futon (with an hour to pack it into the truck and be gone). AND... the ferry back. I even plotted how to park the truck out front to get the futon into the house. I have another tarp, more ropes, the allen wrenches and pliers, work gloves... things readied to get up in the morning and head out the door. Meanwhile, the current anxieties are for this evening, eating, getting to and from work, back, shower, get to bed. THREE alarms set for the morning: 6,7 and 8.00. I SHOULD be at the PO by 9.00-9.30 to pay the rent. Then RUN! (SLOWLY... so as not to put pressure on the truck.) To the banque for the ferry fare, the ferry... by 9.45! It allegedly takes 30 minutes to GET to the ferry. Well? No matter. If I miss the 10.00 ferry and grab the 11.00 it just cuts my time in BTV. I'll just have to “adjust accordingly”. I just don't want to miss the opportunity to get to Staples and to get gas. No sense making a trip like this (of about 30 miles, imagine that) for only one errand. Right? (“PSYCHOTIC”!) - Now? To TRY to take the rest of today at stride. HAH! ME! “At stride”! Preposterous! (I want to go back to bed and “dream” it all “done”.) - 20.25 And after a smooth evening at the store... I mean... it all just rolled... I got there at 16.50, chatted, checked my next hours and NEXT WEEK, THU. AND SUN. I'M ON FOR 7 (SEVEN) HOURS EACH DAY! DEAR GODS!... at 17.00 I was ON DUTY! I STILL can't believe it but I was actually COMPLETE AT 20.00! And shortly there-after, out the door and on the road. - NOTING: ON THE WAY TO WORK, THE FUCKING ODOMETRE LIGHT WAS OUT! FUCK! ON THE WAY BACK, IT WAS ON! FUCK! ANOTHER SOMETHING GOING WRONG ON THE TRUCK! FUCK! Of course things will go WRONG now... I'm working and GODS FORBID I SHOULD EVER HAVE A BIT OF “EXTRA” MONEY! THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS BORN TO HAVE! - But, as I say... the night rolled along wonderfully! I even got to “do” the registre AND pack a pint of ice cream! WOOHOO! - Now? I'm almost in a sweat. It's only 20° in the bed-room though. The radiators are back on. I'm changed into “house-dress”, as it were. And I've taken my naproxen for the night. Will have a bit of ice cream, do something to pass some time and by 23.00 I WILL be IN BED! - Tomorrow morning? I'll be a MESS! - 22.11 Licorice tea done and I'm heading to a CLEANSING shower now, and then... TO BED, ready or not! - 22.49 Showered. And it's a good thing I decided to swab my ears... I showered with Algemarin and the swabs were BLUE coming out of my right ear! Didn't rinse! ICK! Oh well... - It's quite pouring down with rain out there now. Forecast says until 4.00 and then sun for the day. I can only hope. Wed.23.Oct: 7.10 and I was awake just before the “6.00” alarm, but when it sounded, I turned it off and went back to sleep. Last night, all was fine. I went directly to bed after the last entry here, gleaned the article in 3 editions of “Adirondack Life” (I still can't believe I'm actually here.) By about 23.30 it was “lights out”. About 30 minutes later... up again, to put “gel” on that tooth. It was slightly throbbing so I pre-empted, went back to bed. Couldn't get a song out of my head “Do you think you're better off alone?” (because somebody had posted that to Minds earlier in the day). It wouldn't stop, and I knew that if I didn't get it out of my head, it would play all through the night and I'd be awake all night. Well? I managed to “turn the music off” and finally went to... SLEEP. And yes, that's how I stayed... “all through the night”. - And now? I'm sitting at table, dressed, coffee at hand, in from a smoke on a “misty, foggy, comfortably warm-ish, over-cast... Adirondack...” morning. - As I stood, having my smoke, two crows landed on the power-line across the 9 and had a chat. In the silence that is this place, it's really quite loud. - And now, and now... the reality of this trip is that it's not much longer than a trip to Ticonderoga! And it's shorter than a trip to Plattsburgh. Not to mention, it's more costly, with the ferry. But there's 30 minutes where the truck won't be running or rolling, crossing the lake. It's easier on the vehicle. There's just than anxiety about leaving the state. Odd, how I “attach” to places the way I do. Reminds me of moving from Roosa Gap to The Bronx, then going to Yonkers with Bernice and having that horrific anxiety attack at Cross County. Of course, today... this is the day before the day I moved from the Shelter to VT... 8 years ago. And here, today... 8 years later, KNOWING, full-well, where I'm going this time, it's another trip to... VT... not to mention, it's Chittenden County, a place where “life wasn't so pleasant”. I remember chatting with Frannie, when I'd gone to Franklin County and we were talking about a visit: “We'll have to figure a way for you to get here (Jericho) with-out being in Chittenden too long. You don't do well in Chittenden.” Hah! (or not). Anyway, the trip is shorter than other trips I'd be taking, there's a “respite” along the way, the roads are good, the terrain is flat (after I clear the mountains getting to the ferry). So? So. - Now, to check the banques. Soc.Sec. should be in Community (VT), Stewart's should be (5 days) in Ticonderoga (NY). “Should”. There's nothing I can do until 9.00... there's time, time for coffee... more “thinking”... more anxiety. I'm such a dumb-ass. - Oh, and that “lump” in the left arm-pit? I've been noticing an “odour”... quite rather like “crotch”. I wonder what that damned thing is. Maybe when I get medical back I'll have it checked. (Medical... riding on the driver's license which runs into registration, which includes inspection... money, money, money... As always... the moment I get, something comes along to take.) - Well? Time to get to... business. At least I slept last night and am awake and about in plenty of time. There's that much to this day. - 7.35 OK... BOTH “incomes” have been posted to both accounts and I've put 10 per-cent of my “salary”... well, actually, it's 10 per-cent of the new balance, into the “savings” at Ticonderoga. Being “responsible”. That way, it doesn't attach to the card and I can't just pull it. Of course, in the next 2 hours, half of the soc.sec. will be ripped away... and then the day commences with the balances decreasing. Alas. But I've resolved: electric and Internet to be paid either tonight or tomorrow. Today? A place to “lounge”... when the snows start falling and the world starts freezing. So, to continue. (At least the most important aspect of the day has proven “done”. May the remainder of the day go as well.) - 8.16 The clock is RUNNING, TOP-SPEED! BUT... *** ALL *** FUNDS ARE POSTED. *** ALL *** ACCOUNTS ARE BALANCED. I even checked the “pay advice! BOOK-KEEPING IS DONE! Well, thus far anyway. I suppose I COULD have gone into town, gotten today's “ferry fares” and THEN come back to pay the rent. BUT, it's wear on the truck and gas. No sense. Now, to wait for Ms. Biddy to arrive... hopefully, on time. THEN COMMENCES THE MADNESS! To think: years ago, this wouldn't phase me in the least. The worst part of all of this matter is the fact that I SHOULD be “excited” about all of it, the travel, the shopping, the futon. BUT, me, being “me”... it's “anxiety” instead of “excitement”. I “think things to death”! What a complete jack-ass. - Funny shit: 8 years ago today wasn't much different... NY to VT... the day before, the anxieties then as now. Circles. How some things repeat. “Life”... a grand fuck. - 8.54 and she's still not at the PO. Looks like I'm losing 30 minutes on the day... already. Figures. -
OK... It's 8.30 (on the mark), on Thursday morning. Time to re-hash the events of today, and hopefully not skip a note. I was irresponsible last night (but rather “celebratory”, and justifiably so, as far as I'm concerned), so here we go!
Jess rolled in almost at 9.00 on the mark, and I stepped in to ask for the money order for the rent. We chatted. Becky was in and we too, chatted, mostly about me taking the job running the PO when Jess leaves. Becky rather assured that, if I want the job, “George” (in Elizabethtown, I'll presume) would “find a way to get you in”. How charming, but I don't believe I truly “want” the job... for many reasons. Anyway, the gals got their morning items attended and the clock ticked away. It was, according to the receipt,
9.07 when I FINALLY got the money order, slammed it into an envelope, gave it to Jess and... with a boulder in my gut, headed for the truck... ON THE ROAD!
9.49 (receipt time), Ticonderoga Credit Union. I got there, pulled to the ATM and had to wait whilst some idiot went through the machinations of stuffing shit into envelopes for the “Night Deposit”. So I waited... and when, at last I got to the ATM... a sign... NOT FUCKING FUNCTIONING! I HAD TO GO IN TO THE TELLER! OK... FINE. Well, these days, since everything is “on plastic”, it took moments. I NEEDED the cash for the fucking FERRY, else I'd've just driven right along. I had NO idea what time it was, but figured I'd missed the 10.00 ferry anyway and so, just headed out, taking the rest of the trip as it might happen. - The drive was amazing! Not too “hilly”, and the colours of the leaves tinted the sun-shine above in a clear, blue, open sky. The “Wadhams rd.” follows a bit of the Bouqet River here and there and, had I the time (and the serenity of mind), it would have been a delightful trip, but, I was concerned about the trip, the time, the destination... the TRUCK! BUT... it went along quite beautifully, as I checked the “RPMs”, listened to the transmission and the usual. (No radio, no music... my driving trips are NOTHING like they were in my younger years when I'd just get into the vehicle, turn it on and roll along, singing at the top of my lungs. These days, travel is in silence. I'm so too focused on the sounds of the vehicle. Oh well. No prob. As I say... the truck rolled along.
10.14 (receipt time), ESSEX FERRY! 21,2mi. from house to dock, as I see from my own notes. I don't know HOW I managed to make that trip in so little time, really. I didn't rush but... there I was... in Essex, at the lake! And the sky was still clear, the morning fog was disappearing, I was warmly greeted by the little lady at the little shed. “Just you and the vehicle?” she asked. (Yeah, I thought... but the return will be me, the vehicle and cargo.) She took the money, directed me to “lane 2” and I went to the lot, parked, got out and, thankfully, headed to the little loo where I noticed a little sign over the little wash-basin “Non-Potable Water Do Not Drink”. Flush in-Flush out from the lake? I wouldn't be surprised. Well, it wasn't all that long before the boat pulled in from the other side of the lake. Open, “flat-bed” sort of ferry, not the type I remembered from child-hood across the Hudson, nor the likes of the Staten Island ferries where there's an enclosure for folks to sit and enjoy. Then again, this really isn't a “commuters' vessel”, more along the lines of “essential service”. Of course, the majority of vehicles disembarquing had “VT” plates, and every-body rolled off in due course. Moments later, we, those of us waiting, were beckoned to board and... so I did. I watched as others jumped from vehicles to take photos. I probably might-should have done like-wise, but truthfully, I was so full of anxieties that, turning the engine off and doing nothing was more welcome. It was to be about 30 minutes to cross so I decided to make the best of being able to do NOTHING for the time. Besides, the VT shore was 3 miles away and not exactly “awe-inspiring”, seeing the NY shore and the mountains wouldn't be possible until we were out in the lake. I just sorted through some stuff, receipts and the likes, until almost out mid-lake when I did take a snap or 2, but of nothing, really. more just to document “time”. I noticed how slowly the boat moved along. It was imperceptible as we pulled from the dock and all the way across, not a single bump, roll or ripple. It was like rolling on a perfectly-paved road, and the only indication of any motion was to look directly at the water. No wonder it takes 30 minutes to make the 3-mile trip... the boat almost depends on the breeze or the current! Anyway, call it “jaded or what-ever, but to me, at that point, it was all more like a necessary part of the trip of the day. I was a “commuter”.
On the VT side, I rolled off the boat and, thankfully, it was only one road to the 7, and the Ferry rd., Charlotte, is pretty flat, a few turns but well-paved. And when I got to the “main intersection”, it was familiar! It took no time and I was on the 7 and rolling past “Vermont Teddy Bear”, memories of when I worked there (and the temptation to stop and buy my-self a gift... but thought that I might on the way back... I never did... no regrets). Next? “Shelburne Centre” and the traffic congestion! In 8 years, nothing's changed there. Nothing's been done to lighten the bottle-neck. But it wasn't but a relative “eye-blink”... the Webster rd.! I KNEW EXACTLY where I was, where I was going, how to get to any-where, and all I could think of was “This is my beginning in this shit-hole state. I should have taken the warnings to heart and left at the very beginning!” But truth is: I probably wouldn't be in the Adirondacks today, had I just turned round and gone back to... what? The fucking Shelter? That's all I could have done... back then. Oh well. So along the Webster rd. I rolled to the end at Spear. Instinctively, made the left turn onto the Spear and in what seemed too little time, I was at the Allen rd! Fuck! I just KNEW where I was, as if I'd taken the trip only moments before! It impresses me how we remember so much, so many events and the likes, either because they were incredibly wonderful or... the exact opposite... TERRORISING! I can't say that anything much in VT is remembered, these days, for anything “joyful”. So sad. Anyway, before long I was passing Nowland Farm and Swift and BOOM! End of Spear and there I was... the Williston rd! BTV! (Or... as it's known: So. BTV!) AND... I had to cross Ms. Jacquntie's “East Terrace”! Fucking 'connections” to that shit-hole state!
11.37 I HAD TO PEE! And I wanted to fill the truck with Mobil high-test and there I was, at the Mobil station I know so rather well... BUT... A-FUCKING-GAIN... DELAYS! Only TWO pumps, one blocked by some sort of fucking truck and the other being used by some-body JUST beginning to fuel-up! FINE! I stopped the engine and RAN into the station to use the fucking loo... A GUY WAITING.. SOMEBODY OCCUPYING AND AS I STOOD THERE, THE PUMP OUT-SIDE CAME AVAILABLE! I RAN out, FILLED the tank. AMAZINGLY... I'd “budgeted” 70$ for the gas... at a forced 50, it was FULL! High-test at the price I pay in NY for “mid”! Done with that, I RAN back into the station, into the loo and PEE'ED at long last! Whew! OK! Back into the truck, take the short-cut through to... Staples! A package of “security” envelopes (25... covers just over 2 years' rent, which is why I need them anyway... as if I'll be here in 2 years, fuck), 2 packages of sleeves for all the biz-cards and a cheap “Staples” binder (which I'll just use for something, since I prefer the quality of the one I've had, from the PO days). Receipt time: 12.06 and about an entire hour to get to the house to get the futon... which is only, at this point, a 5-minute stroll away. So I made a bit of a quick browse at Michael's, having nothing that I truly “need” there. I looked at frames (mostly for the print of my last “Meal Ticket” from the Shelter... but there was nothing that I liked... under 20$ and THAT'S just a ridiculous price to pay for shit made in China. So, nothing purchased. I was out, into the truck and along the Williston rd. to...
12.34 Northfield Savings Bank to withdraw 210, because, according to Community Bank, there was no fee. It was a delight to be able to get the 10 though, since I needed it for the 150 for the futon and I wanted exact price. (Of note: Community charged me 2$ fee! Fuckers. But, I suppose it could have been worse. It could have been 3$ from BOTH, as I'm rather accustomed to, though it pisses me off.) Anyway, cash in hand... back to Dorset and... DOWN THE ROAD I ROLLED TOWARD... FUTON!
“13:00:50” Receipt time: Again, since I was there, it was on the route and there were things I could use in the house... I stopped at Hannaford's on Dorset. I had NO idea what time it was, but the “receipt” shows what time I left the store with 5lbs Carolina brown rice, Langer's cranberry juice, TWO “V8” (on sale!), a box of Earl Grey tea, a jar of Bustello instant and a package of “Listerene” lozenges (for my smoker's breath) AND 11$ in change... the tenner I needed... but since I paid cash from the banque... oh well.
It couldn't have been much more than 13.20 when I pulled into the drive at the house... time rolled directly along, since I was KNOWING where I was going, and KNOWING the streets off Dorset! One tiny error... I drove past the drive to the house, turned round at the very next and into the drive at number 15! But I pulled in and realised I should have backed in. The drive is at an angle that made the manoeuvring a bit tight but AS I WAS BACKING OUT, LOUISE CAME DOWN THE ROAD! She called “Do you want to back in?” I said I was going to try and that it made better sense. And so I did. One thing that bothered me was when she said “It's good you showed-up when you did. Since you said you wanted it (the futon), I've had a LOT of interest in it!” (She'd mentioned the same thing in an e-mail and to be honest, with that sort of statement I was thinking: she wants more money because she's come to realise that she's selling this for entirely TOO LITTLE, BUT, the agreement was made, I have the exact asked-price and I haven't gone through the anxieties and such, the “Hell”, to get here to have you tell me I can't buy it now! In retrospect, I see it as a simple statement... something I, my-self might have said in the matter.) And so... She directed me almost into the garage. She was ever SO “gentile”, friendly as if we'd known each-other for some time. She asked if I'd mind putting “booties” on over my work-boots as she'd just had all the carpets shampooed. Truthfully, I didn't mind and appreciated the gesture because, well, it spoke well of the cleanliness of the futon (a detail that, looking at others on Crgslt, is exceptionally rare). The house? Incredibly clean! Immaculate. As I would have my own! (I found out later... she too... a “Virgo”.) She led me through the house. The futon was on the second floor (of course it was), in a room with window directly over the truck! She suggested putting the mattress out the window, but there was a flood-light directly under the window so we decided against. But the mattress was off the frame and the frame needed to be disassembled. She offered a drill. THANKFULLY... I'D “ACQUIRED” A SET OF ALLEN WRENCHES FROM 5199 (I mean, REALLY! WHAT the actual fuck would Mme. be doing with such a tool? Not to mention, she'd given away chain saws and all sorts of other tools. Given them away to people who either sold them or what-ever. I see it as only “correct” that I should have them. I WORKED for them... never mind WITH them.) Suddenly, Louise said that her “sister-in-law” arrived and that they had some business to attend and she walked out of the room leaving me alone! Well, I didn't want to spend the entire day there. It had “misted”, ever-so lightly and there were clouds forming, not to mention, I did NOT want to be driving in rain nor in the dark. So I got right to the business of taking the futon apart. When I brought the first bit (the lower part of the base) down to the truck, Louise and company were in the drive. She was impressed that I'd gotten the work done so quickly! (I was impressed that I'd brought it down alone... this futon is SOLID, and impressively heavy!) Sad bit? It missed a perfect fit my mere centimetres! The tail-gate HAD to be left open. But, with a bit of work, I got both of the largest pieces down and into the truck, alone. Louise brought the 2 end pieces as I brought the 2 slats and she offered suggestions on the mattress and the truck. I was figuring that I'd bring the mattress down alone BUT she came up with me and WE brought it down, together! (I was rather relieved because I worried a tough about knocking into something.) It was, as expected, cumbersome, but WE DID IT! But only to the back kitchen door. The dragging it across the garage (which was a immaculate as the kitchen and, for that matter, the rest of the house) and hoisting it up into the truck. Because of the drizzle, Louise had to get some “fabric” furniture in from the deck and so, I did all the rest alone. But when she came back she was sincerely amazed that I'd done all the work alone. Dear heart. She was truly quite understanding and kind. I got the 2 tarps over everything and it laid low enough to pull the Tonneau over! Tied-in, tied-down, covered perfectly well in case of any rain, we chatted ever so briefly (she was obviously under some sort of time-frame) and cordially and... I was on my way! Not sure what the time was, but from the few photos I'd taken, I had both frame pieces in the truck at 13.50 so it must have been about 14.00 when I drove away. Well? I HAD said, in an e-mail, that I'd do my best to be in and out with-in an hour. Looks like I lived up to my promise! YAY ME! (To be honest, I'm in a bit of disbelief m'self, having gotten the disassembly and moving done in such a short period of time... mostly ALONE. But I did tell Louise that I've resided in 50 places over the course of my life-time and only twice, to memory, did I ever get help. Truth? Joe came to “help” with the move from Naples Terrace and Peter/Nap “helped” with the move from Rochambeau to Beacon... and THAT was a complete disaster, requiring 5 more trips in Liz's car. Anyway...) I head out the drive, off to Spear st. and... at the Allen rd., decided to hit the liquor store on 7. I KNEW where I was and where to “shop”. I thought: I have the money and the time and I'll pass right by because it IS, rather, on my way! NO excuses!) So, over Allen to the 7 and down the 7 and sure enough... there was the liquor store...
14.38 A 1,75l Smirnoff and 2 packs of smokes... out the door, into the truck, onto the 7 and off to Shelburne! (Note: the brakes were starting to make a bit of a “grinding” noise. I attributed it to the weight... facing the fact, that futon was quite a considerable extra weight, to be sure. But they held well so I didn't give it all much thought.) Down the road, past the Bay rd. where, a mere 8 years prior, I came rolling over to get to the Days Inn to return 260$ and be “cited” for... “EMBEZZLEMENT” by that old drug-addicted, alcoholic, psychotic qunt, Diane Owens! “How charming” I thought, “not a single favourable memory in the place”. And down the road I rolled, past Kinney Drugs where I'd applied for and never got a job, the Shelburne Museum and the area to the East where I'd had a “client” for “Home Care”... that didn't last long and wasn't at all pleasant either. In almost no time at all... the turn-off at Charlotte and TO THE FERRY!
15.00 ON THE MARK!!! I PULLED UP TO THE KIOSK, PAID MY FARE AND WAS DIRECTED TO LANE 5! I PULLED TO THE MARK AND DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO TURN THE ENGINE OFF! THE FERRY FROM NY WAS UN-LOADING AND WITH-IN MERE MOMENTS, WE, WHO WERE WAITING, WERE DIRECTED TO BOARD! I WAS THE LAST IN THE CENTRE OF THE BOAT! EVEN AS I TYPE THIS, I FIND IT INCREDIBLE! AMAZING! AND THE 15.00 FERRY WAS EXACTLY WHAT I'D WRITTEN ON MY LITTLE “AGENDA LIST” YESTERDAY! WITH LITTLE VARIATION, THE DAY HAD FOLLOWED EXACTLY AS I'D FIGURED... BLINDLY!
15.30-ish, docking back in Essex and rolling along back to New Russia! Since things were rolling, the truck was rolling, the brakes were still holding, no rain had fallen and I was passing by, I decided to stop at Tops... chicken for “meals” and ice cream for desserts.
16.05 Receipt time, and I was leaving Tops with chicken, a container of ice cream, bag of crisps (to have with the planned v-ton of tonight) and a jar of salsa to go with. And 4 miles to go until... BACK AT HOME STATION! I got into the truck, started the engine, pulled out of the parking lot and rolled down the 9 thinking: “We ain't home yet. There's still time for all Hell to break, for shit to hit the fan, to make up for an other-wise perfect day.” I lit a cigarette and aside from inhaling the smoke, I don't believe I took a breath or allowed for a heart-beat. THAT was THE MOST CRITICAL part of the ENTIRE DAY!
16.37 on the clock in the bed-room! I had the groceries and other items from the truck in the house! I was parked out front, facing North, ready (or not) to un-load the futon that I'd disassembled and loaded into the truck a mere (mere?) 2 hours before... IN BURLINGTON, VERMONT! And so, mostly because it HAD to be done and I was still moving, still with a bit of consciousness lingering, I headed straight out the door, un-wrapped tarps, re-wound rope, and “HAD AT IT”! Pulled everything into the living-room, moved the truck to the back yard and came back in, put groceries up and went straight to work... RE-ASSEMBLING THE FUTON... IN THE LIVING-ROOM... “AT HOME” (as it is)!
THE TRIP WAS DONE! GOT THERE. DID THAT. GOT BACK! THE TRIP WAS DONE! ANXIETIES OVER!
18.41 ASSEMBLED! AND IN PLACE! THE FUTON I'VE WANTED FROM SINCE JULY, THE FUTON I'VE MISSED FROM SINCE... 2002... IT'S HERE! IT'S DONE! IT'S READY TO BE ENJOYED! A PLACE TO RELAX! NO MORE CONFINEMENT TO THE KITCHEN HERE! A PIECE OF “ANCHOR FURNITURE”... A “LIVING-ROOM” TO SIT IN! AND A LITTLE TABLE TO PLACE SOMETHING ON (as I do, a coffee, as I type this)! THE PLACE LOOKS AS THOUGH SOME-BODY IS IN RESIDENCE! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS... *** YEARS! FUCKING YEARS!!! *** A PLACE OF MY RESIDENCE! NUMBER 50 ON THE LIST... AND MY BED TO SLEEP IN, MY FUTON TO RELAX UPON! YEARS!!! *** AND NOBODY... NO-BODY CAN UNDERSTAND MY JOY! And to be honest? I don't give a fucking shit about any-body else. THIS is my JOY!
19.21 and “meal” at LAST! A chicken thigh/leg, a bowl of French Onion soup, with a tranche of HOME-BAKED BREAD... a glass of V8 with and after? Vanilla ice cream with a drizzle of chocolate syrup! - 20.20 Meal done, dishes done. A bit of “final adjustments” to “arrange” the living-room, photos taken and “OFFICIALLY” this day, the trip, the events... EVERY-THING was COMPLETE! I MADE IT!!! I sat, at table, and watched a bit of “tele” for a while. - 22.15 and I sent a “Thank You” e-mail to Louise. She'd sent ME an e-mail earlier.
Futon pick up
Wow! You made that all look easy!
Thank you for doing a nice job and being respectful of our home.
I hope you did not mind wearing the boot covers…
I hope your new futon is all that you wish for and then some!
Best to you and Sleep well!
Louise
Now THIS amazes me and, quite honestly, gives me all the “peace of mind” I could ever hope for. I especially appreciate the closing: “and Sleep well!”. Indeed, yes, indeed. And the appreciation of my appreciation of the sanctity of their home... Well! Could a better compliment be paid? I think not! - And so... the day over, “mission accomplished” I poured my much-anticipated VODKA-TONIC! and moved the lap-top to the living-room to sit and enjoy! Yes, the day came to the “official” close. For 150$ I have a futon. The brakes on the truck are, I'm afraid, shot to shit. I believe there's brake fluid all over the mud-flap on the front driver's side. Oddly, the panel lights didn't illuminate, but at the rate the gauge-cluster malfunctions of late, there's just no telling. THAT pisses me off to no fucking end! I paid fucking Caleb Greene to fucking repair the fucking brakes. Little did I know at the time, he was doing that work as a “pass-time” and NOT as something he actually wanted to do as a business. Fucking shit-bag! “Typical Vermont”. Just more to add to my reasons for being so truly hateful of the place, the “people” and the time spent there. (I have to note: I don't “hate” the Shelter as much. Fucking shameful, that.) - And so, the evening moved on into the night and the night moved on to late-night. - 24.21 (Because I just feel I HAVE to keep this on the same date...) Had 2 v-tons... did some soc-med on the FUTON... and now? I'm going to try for some sleep... and tonight... on the futon! - Brakes are shot I'm afraid. - OH... Jess is gone in 3 weeks. Becky suggested I apply. HAH! Not in today's PO! I've been fucked, half-way, if not more, to a painful death by the bull-shit they pull. I almost killed my-self for that sack of fuck-wit shit-bags. I'd LOVE to have my OLD PMR job back, in the environment I had in Walker Valley. But even from talking with Jess, I know... I KNOW that's never to happen. Becky says I'd most likely get preferential over anybody else, considering my experience and “location”. And yes, I probably would. But HELL NO! I'd be an utterly hopeless idiot to even consider in passing! Too fucking bad. (They'll probably lose the post office because of this shit. But... that's how it goes. We shall see.) But right now? I HAVE GOT TO GET A NAP! 2 v-tons and the anxieties of the day are taking a toll. And I'm going to try for a snooze... on the FUTON!

Thu.24.Oct: 8.01 I can't for the life of me, understand why (or even HOW), but I'm up, dressed. coffee in the press, one on the “table” in the “living-room”, I'm dressed, in from first smoke on this clear, cool-but-not-cold morning, sitting here, on the FUTON, watching the sun trying to illuminate yon mountains. Those TWO v-tons of last night were TWO TOO many, indeed. Not sure when, but at some time, probably round mid-night or so, I decided to try a “snooze” on the FUTON... Grabbed 2 pillows from the bed and, dressed, took the extra canvas and got comfy for a bit. And again, not sure what time it was, but I woke with HORRIFIC PAINS, SPASMS, FROM TOE TO KNEE, LEFT LEG, and, trying to get rid of them, I just went to bed. This morning, I woke, a couple of times, at about 6.00 and then at 7.00 (and at about 7.30 just gave in to being “awake”). I'd gone to bed, no “clench guard”, front door un-locked. There used to be a song, if memory serves: “Boy I Really Tied One On Last Night”. And indeed. I most certainly must have done. So now, this morning, the sneezing, drippy nose, the general malaise of the “morning after” a day of incredible stress (yesterday and the horrors I put my-self through with the trip AND the hauling of the futon), the CRASH from it all having passed with-out incident... I'm in that “Utter Exhaustion” state of being. Thankfully, I don't must be any-where until Sunday. AND... I can sit here on the FUTON, which is, yes, comfy, NOT in the kitchen but in a room with day-light in it, I can look at yon mountains and recuperate... “rehab”. Sadly, I didn't get to journal any of yesterday's events, so I'll get to that this morning. After, I HAVE THE SLEEVES FOR THE BIZ-CARDS AND A NEW BINDER... a little “hobby” to pass the time... quietly. - That said, one thing of mention: I don't much like this living-room. Sitting here I notice how stupid the general shape of it is. So much wasted space in the length. It's more like two rooms as one. Needs work. I just almost wish (but not quite) that I had the interest in bothering. Oh well... time for coffee. On with the day. - OH...
EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO TO-DAY... UP BEFORE SUN-RISE, A BUS TO THE A-TRAIN TO OZONE PARK, GRAB A SUITCASE, HAUL IT UP 24 STEPS, A SEARCH BY NYPD, TRAIN TO THE PLANE, ADDED CHARGE FOR OVER-WEIGHT LUGGAGE, SIT AND WAIT, AT KENNEDY AEROPORT... ALONE, ALONE, SO ALONE. THEN ONTO A PLANE, WITH A ONE-WAY FARE TO A PLACE I KNEW NOTHING OF... AONE, ALONE... SO ALONE. ARRIVED AT BTV... ALONE. STOOD AT THE AEROPORT... ALONE. PJ COULDN'T BE SO ARSED AS TO MAKE IT TO MEET ME. EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO... AND TODAY, THIS MORNING? EIGHT FUCKING YEARS LATER? ADDRESS NUMBER 50, ALONE... *** IN THE ADIRONDACKS... “HOME TO DIE”... ON A FUTON, IN A LIVING-ROOM, WITH A RADIATOR AT MY SIDE, AS THE SUN COMES DOWN FROM THE “GIANT MOUNTAINS”, CROSS THE YARD ACROSS ROUTE 9, IN A LITTLE HAMLET CALLED “NEW RUSSIA”... BACK IN NY. EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO I HAD 2400$ TO MY NAME, 3 PROSPECTS FOR EMPLOYMENT, ALL DASHED. NO ADDRESS. TODAY, EIGHT FUCKING YEARS LATER, THE RENT IS PAID NOW, THE COMING MONTH AND, TECHNICALLY THROUGH DECEMBER (TO THE “END OF THE YEAR” AT THIS POINT), SO TOO, THE ELECTRIC. THERE'S AN OLD TRUCK IN THE YARD, WITH A FULL TANK OF “HIGH TEST” (AND SHOT BRAKES), FOOD IN A FRIDGE, AN ADDRESS... AND AS FOR THE “REVERIE” OF “LIVING IN VERMONT, NEW ENGLAND”... BEEN THERE... DONE THAT... COME BACK HOME. I suppose I don't have proper grounds to whine, so I won't. The sun's rising in the sky, making its way down the ADIRONDACKS, and here I sit, coffee at hand, with no need to worry about where I'll lay my head tonight, or how cold the nights are to be. I've a little job that pays well-enough, a few dollars in a few banques. I need to shut the actual fuck up, stop thinking Life to death... There are a few chores to this day... here... in “New Russia”.... NEW YORK! OH... AND I'M NOT “HOME-LESS” IMAGINE THAT!
8.29 and time to “roll along”. - 9.09 Jess arrived just as I was out to have 2nd smoke. Alvin and Vivian are away... “emergency”, no return date known. Jess asked if I knew. I told her: Alvin doesn't speak to me, nobody in town even waves. And we discussed her leaving and me taking the job. “You'd be miserable, especially since your customer service is like mine. I'd've recommended you in a heart-beat, but the truth is, you'd be miserable.” Yes, she's right. It's NOT the “Postal Service” I came into in '91. Fukkit. Besides, with my current “status” of “PNG” in this place, and them being used to women running the show... I'll NOT put my-self back in a position where I was in Fuklin! HELL NO! (Bad enough, when I was at Stewart's the other night, I was asked if I wanted to be on registre and I almost told the truth: Not really, I'd like to do so, but at this point in my life, I don't want to be arsed and bollocksed with the fucking attitudes of the “locals”. I've not time nor tolerance for the shit. Oh, and the prospective for the PO here? A 71-year-old woman. SEVENTY-ONE YEARS OF AGE! Imagine that! 71 years old and still working. Jeezus Kriste! There's no such thing as “retirement” any more... not for “normal” people. This world will now work us all to our death. - And... as I sit here, on the futon, typing away... Becky has arrived, Nancy rolls in... the day has commenced... and I get to sit and watch it happen... from my futon. How charming. - Now, back to yesterday's events. - 11.11 Post office is closed. Had lovely chats with Jess and Margaret about “stuff”. Margaret complimented me, highly, on “curtains in the windows. It looks like somebody actually LIVES here!” Asked “Do you like it here?” and I ALMOST let loose, but simply said “No.” When asked “Why?” I ALMOST told ALL, but just summed-up with “She's turned the place into living Hell.” Jess touched on the situation with the Diva, some-what in my defence. And so I said, to let it be known “I'm looking for another place and when I find it, I won't even bother to say 'Good-bye'.” “Did you tell Alden?” Margaret asked. “No sense. She's here longer and he's all wrapped-up in her.” I started to tell about the “restrictions” set in her favour, but let it go. But, admittedly, it's good to let them know and only just slightly comforting to know that they understand. As I said “My rent is paid. My utilities are paid. My 'responsibilities' are met. That's about all of it.” - Anyway, the “morning excitement” is done. The little bit of wash is done. Now, on with the rest of the day, until “meal” (which I have to get to soon) and “the end of another day”. I'm still journalling yesterday. A couple of messages from Dorothy. “Filling time”, sitting here on the futon... letting the time pass as it will. “Life”. - 11.56 “Nap time”... on the futon! - 13.57 WELL! With a 45-minute nap... up to marinate the chicken (and finding 6 pieces in there, not the 3 I thought were there), cleaning the dishes and putting the kitchen together... the day has flown right by! And the clouds of Northern Autumn have rolled in. There's a hefty but warm breeze blowing out there and I'm back... on the futon... with music playing in the kitchen. Left-over, cold coffee at hand on the little table. WOW! And in my mind, I keep rolling back, 8 years. - It would be nice to be able to talk with some-one friendly... Donna, Dorothy (who says she'll call tomorrow... right), Denis (oh, look at that... the “Ds”, imagine that). But... here we are... nobody's going to “show at the door” and nobody calls. Nothing's changed. Nothing... - So back to yesterday's journalling. - 16.05 AND I'M DONE WITH YESTERDAY'S JOURNALLING! JUST IN TIME TO START TODAY'S “MEAL”... and draw THIS day to a close... as “meal” does. WHAT A RECOUNTING! And so little time spent (wasted?) on-line today! The days pass so quickly. And how strange to know that, at the beginning, I almost dread the time ahead each day, wondering how to fill the hours when... suddenly... the hours are GONE! (As is my copy of the book “The Hours” which would be a delight to re-read... I'll have to see if I can't get another copy.) - Anyway... the music plays in the kitchen as I sit on the futon in the living-room as the sun tries to shine through the clouds and into the room. “Just Be Thankful For What You've Got” now playing. Imagine... Timing. - 16.51 8 years ago now, I was strolling along Church St., marvelling at the smallness of Burliington, with PJ “in tow”, as I would later learn. I'd checked-in at the Burlington Hostel for the night and was looking for a place to eat something, feeling indebted to PJ, and with extremely limited funds, wanted to find a place where we could both sit and eat, him, for a hot meal (that I thought, then, was a novelty for him) and for me, a meal I could sit quietly and actually enjoy. We discussed how he hated this time of year, how the sun sets earlier in BTV than in NYC. (I learnt later, it's true... by almost a half hour.) And now, tonight, this evening, as the day draws to a close, there's chicken in the oven, rice in the stove, home-made bread buttered and on a plate, a glass of V8 at hand, music playing (“Sounds of Silence”, Simon and Garfunkel). I'm in a place that I pay the rent on, the utilities are paid. 8 years... 8 fucking years it took! But tonight? Here I am... for as long as it will be. - 22.46 and at about 20.30 I started to put the biz.cards and such into the new pocket sheets. JUST getting done! Had a few sips of v-ton as I worked which was probably for the best as I sorted through everything and kept my mind on “methodical”... to avoid any “serious” thinking about ANY of the memories behind... in particular... the last days of Rockaway and Queens and NYC... the last Metro Cards are in the collection. - Meanwhile... I still have most of the v-ton left and I can't believe how long that simple task took and how late it's gotten already. I also can't believe how warm it is in here tonight. Why? I'm not asking, I'm just basking. - So there we have it and this day is, for all intent and purpose... DONE! Time to finish the v-ton, perhaps with some crisps, definitely on the futon and NOT a repeat of last night's passing out with the front door un-locked and no clench guard! To be certain.

Fri.25.Oct: 1.57 I don't know HOW the time passed but it did, as I was on the soc.med. and making a “Thank You” for “Willie” for a token wire. But I've managed to get the journals on-line up-dated to current. And now, 2 more v-tons, which I'm not even feeling, for some reason, down and gone, all the biz-cards safely in a binder... it's time to brush teeth and get to bed! I should get to the market at some point during the day... there are food and non-food items I'll be needing. Then... to look forward to Sunday for 4 hours and Monday for 5 hours of work... and then again, Thursday for SEVEN! I have NO idea what I'll be doing in that store for 7 hours, and I dread the very thought. But... with the brakes on the truck in need of replacing... and the timing belt... at a possible 1k$... work is necessary. Surely, they'll find something stupid and ridiculous for me to do. May as well enjoy these days of leisure whilst I may. There's also the need for propane... SOON!!! TOO SOON!!! Oh well. I'm blessed, again, with having a source of needed extra income. I don't know HOW I expected to “exist” with-out this extra work. (Of course, I'm about to be screwed with FS. But... all things in due course.) Right now it's time to get to BED! And not “futon” tonight. I've been enjoying sitting in the living-room this evening and not at the kitchen table. - The one thing that bothers me terribly: I smell like “old arse”! I don't know why, exactly, or if it's just an odour stuck in the nose. But it's not comforting. - Later, when I get up, I'll be cleaning house... when I get the cleaners from the market. Oh... may the brakes hold and the truck run with-out any “incident”. - Off to bed now. - 9.33 I do NOT know WHY, but I got up with the “8.00” alarm (7.47), got to coffee and smoke and such, put a pair of jeans in one basin, a flannel shirt in the other and now, the washing is dripping in the shower, the kitchen is back to order, I'm dressed, on second “pressed” coffee (or third, when considering I have an instant to take the vit.C). Out-side, the skies are grey, the air is cool but not “cold”, and my normal daily “anxieties” have commenced. “AAA”? Brakes? Inspection? Registration? License? Groceries? Medicaid? The bull-shit with Ms. Diva? And another resolution: NO “beverages” tonight. I'm not “miserable” after last night's. But there's a notable difference, though, last night (this morning), my head touched the pillow and I slept through. Oh well. - On with the morning routine... what-ever that is. This after-noon, I'll HAVE to go into town to get some cleaning supplies, perhaps some kind of food-stuffs. I'd LIKE to go to Ticonderoga, but... if Walmarde doesn't have the sheets I need... I see no sense. So? So... Moving right along... - 9.45 Received an e-mail from “Mme. Franklin” this morning. 8.13 this morning: “yes I found the St. Pierre et Miquelon very interesting, I have heard of them but didn't know they belong to France tres interesante.” OK. So now I see that she still has access to her e-mails. The rest is none of my concern. - And... I continue to move along. - 16.35 AND... OK then! From this morning, I got today's post that was *** A FUCKING BILL FOR 141,00$ FOR “FedLoan”!!! *** SO, AT ABOUT 11.00, I WAS BACK ON THE PHONE CHATTING WITH “IANNAH”, GOING THROUGH THE ENTIRE BULL-SHIT PROCESS YET AGAIN, OF NOT BEING ABLE TO GET ONTO THE ON-LINE SHIT, THEN GOING THROUGH THE QUESTIONS CONCERNING “INCOME-BASED” PAYMENTS (OR... AS Ms. I. CALLED IT “IBR”. APPARENTLY THE “ACCOUNT” WAS NOTED THAT THE FORMS-PROMISED PREVIOUSLY, WERE POSTED ON THE 22nd... THE VERY FUCKING SAME FUCKING DAY AS THE FUCKING BILL WAS GENERATED! ANOTHER FUCKING HALF HOUR OF BULL-SHIT. BUT I KEPT MY COMPOSURE, WAS TERRIBLY KIND AND “GENTILE” AND GOT A-FUCKING-NOTHER PROMISE: “I'M TYPING THIS WHILE WE'RE TALKING. I'LL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE IT GOES OUT TO YOUR E-MAIL AT PO BOX 5....” FUCKING IDIOTS! OH WELL. I'M TRYING TO WORK WITH THE MORONS. LET'S SEE HOW MUCH SHIT THIS GIVES ME NOW. - OK. NEXT? Sweat-shirt on, boots on, keys, into the truck and up the road to... FamDoll for laundry and cleaning supplies and smokes. Delightful, as it were. Next stop, the Thrift store where I got a frame for my print-out “Meal Ticket” from the Shelter... something I've wanted to do for YEARS now. 50-cents. A little sand-coloured, glass shade to put over the PO light. (Looks cute.) 1,50 for that. Then came the shit-shock: the old gals who rang-up the 2$ purchase got all in a tizzy because she rang 2$ and not the 10$ bill I gave her! She COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THAT THE CASH DRAWER WOULD BALANCE EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T RING THE 10 AND GAVE ME THE PROPER CHANGE. EVEN THE GAL WORKING BESIDE HER COULDN'T FIGURE OUT THE “TROUBLE”. THE KIND OF BULL-SHIT I'D EXECT IN VT AND NOT IN NY! But, for 2$, it was worth the stop. And as I walked in, that lovely gal from Stewart's was there with her daughter. “Hello Judah.” I almost dropped! I'm still not quite ready to be “known” in public here. But it was fine. And, purchase paid, out the door, into the truck (which ran fine) and to Tops... for burger (marked 12$ and because of the “store card” I got THREE POUNDS FOR APPROX. 8$ TODAY! Had I gone to Walmarde, it would have been gas, mileage, wear on the truck and only 2,25lbs for just slightly MORE! Also, got TEN TINS OF PROGRESSO SOUP, ice cream for tonight, a bottle of tonic. FOOD! FOOD AND CLEANING SUPPLIES! WOOHOO! Back into the truck, down the road to the house where, instead of parking out front to un-load, not paying attention, I drove round to the back and so, had to schlep everything round. BUT... I walked into the house, put the groceries up, portioned and packed the beef, wrapped-to-freeze 2 pieces of chicken, keeping 2 for tonight and... because of the little shade for the light... PUT UP A SHELF OVER THE BACK OF THE FUTON! IT NOW HOLDS THE PO LIGHT (with shade), the FRAMED “Meal Ticket” and the monarch that got stuck in the truck grill some weeks back, in a plastic case that I scavenged from 5199. More “cute”! NEXT! HOOVER THE PLACE AT LONG LONG LAST! And whilst Hoovering I noticed Ms. Diva is out. Gee, because she saw me coming back from market and realised that I'm not going to ask her “Do you need anything from in town?” or because my singing bugged her, or because running the Hoover bothered her. No matter. I don't give a shit. I'm just THRILLED that I got so much accomplished today! (And the jeans and shirt are still on the rack in the shower from this morning as well.) - But... (of course, but...) I'm now suddenly feeling QUITE TIRED! Chicken is in the oven. Another late meal evening because it won't be ready for about 30 minutes. But I'm tired, and have that “feeling of coming-down with something”. Probably the drinking, the 4-5 hours “sleep” last night/this morning, general stress, the drive into town... what-ever. We'll see how it all goes after I eat. Right now, the house is in order... Time for “The Five”... - 23.13 Been “lounging” on the futon for HOURS now... Oddly, I started dinner at 16.15 and didn't actually sit to eat until about 17.20 but... before 18.00, everything was finished. I managed to “catch up” with my timing! 2 chicken thighs, quite delightfully crispy and well-cooked, last night's rice mixed with tonight's veggies. Of course, ice cream after. By shortly after 18.00, the dishes were done! I'll never actually enjoy a meal again, I suppose, with these teeth (or absence there-of). Shame, really, because I'm eating rather well.. .cooked, hot from the stove, good food and plenty of. But... it all just basically gets wolfed down and that's that. - And tonight, a touch of the trots. (I'll assume it's the v-tons, of which I am just having one.) - The little light on the little shelf is a nice touch to the living-room. How nice to sit, NOT in the kitchen. Maybe one day, I'll have that little “work desk/table” as well. (What I absolutely NEED to do in here is get rid of the kitchen table and chairs! I've no doubt there'll be some sort of “chat” about the one I've got... sooner or later.) Anyway, the house is comfy warm, and it's a bit on the “drizzly” side out. I'm being quite fortunate in that the place is staying warm enough. Hopefully it'll hold through November? We shall see. - Anyway, tomorrow's Saturday. Nothing on any agenda. Sunday is back to work followed by Monday and the hours hit the increase. (I have to watch... FS will be slashed.) Oh well. - A bit of soc.med. with v-ton and then to bed. With the hours at work, I'll have to re-adjust my sleep/wake hours. No prob. I suppose.

Sat.26.Oct: 9.41 I noted, off to bed, AT LAST, at 2.08! HOW that time went by, I still don't have a clue, but it did. Brushed m'teeth and under the covers went I. - This morning, heard the 8.00 alarm, turned it off and thought I was snoozing but suddenly heard the 'BANG” through the wall... 9.10! The PO was open, Ms. Biddy brought the brats and Hell was set loose upon the hamlet... or... this house, at the very least. So? It was time to get out of the comfort of the bed and greet this sunny, slightly damp from last night's drizzle, but relatively comfortable morn. And so I did. Coffee on, got dressed, stripped the bed, linens in on the soak, stepped out for a smoke and here we are... the day in the “ON” position. I could... COULD stand to go back to bed. Blessing du jour? I thought I had to be at work at 14.00 tomorrow, for the first 7-hour shift. Nope. 16.00 to 20.00. That's a relief. (Sad, that already I dread going into that store. I just don't like what I'm doing, though, honestly, it's what I expected: Stocking.). Anyway... here we are, there “they” are, the chatter of women and me, here, on another day. At least I managed to stuff 7 hours of “sleep” in. And thankfully, the spasms didn't wake me during. Now? On with the day's “activities” until... - 14.20 THE MODELL'S CHAIR IS REPAIRED! Took me longer than I'd anticipated, but it's DONE! And the bed linens are hanging to dry, sheets in the shower with the fan blowing on them, pillow cases on the rack, drying by the radiator. The day has gone from sunny to passing clouds, but not “dark”. And speaking of “dark”... a “text” message from cousine Dorothy earlier: a photo out her window and a message “it's dark”. Yeah? So? Said you were going to call on Thursday? It's Saturday. Good thing I don't depend on such things and believe anybody any longer when they say they're “going to”. - Anyway, here I sit on the futon (it's still a novelty), and ready for a nap. I forgot to take meat out for meal tonight so it's eggs and what-ever I can toss together with. I'm just grateful for the quiet. - Funny note: Earlier, as I went for today's post (nothing, thankfully, no aggravation), Jeff was coming from Alvin's. Seems Ms. Biddy tried to set him up with a “blind date”. He's not happy about it. Said “I've buried 2 wives, and the last one made my life a Hell for the last 5 years.” She was ill with something, grew incredibly hateful of “all”. Says Jeff: “I don't need to be in a relationship and if I did, I've had enough of women. I'd sooner have a relationship with another man. I can't do anything for a woman anyway. My prostate's gone.” (Thanks for “sharing”.) Of interest: As we were chatting on the front porch, Biddy comes out to “justify” her interference in Jeff's life with all sorts of excuses about why she made the “arrangement”. Then tells that the woman “was a hippie”. But MORE interesting was when she claimed that she “knew” what Jeff was talking about because “he didn't come in” (to the PO) and THEN claimed that she didn't hear us talking over her music... she just knew that's what he was talking about. As if we're so stupid as to believe that she's not in there paying strict attention to the goings-on. She's a piece of “Vermont work”, that one. - And so, the chatting stopped, Jeff went on about his business and I came back into the house to work on the chair. - Now? I'm feeling “ick”... as usual. Pissed because the fan is running, the electric is being used when I SHOULD have the linens on a line out-side! Ms. Diva was out for a bit but sadly, has returned already. But, at least I've “done something” with this day... thus far. Though, the time is passing quickly... as if that really makes any sort of matter at all. - OH! ONE GOOD NOTE: I RECEIVED A STATEMENT FROM “SPECTRUM” VIA E-MAIL. BALANCE DUE: ZERO. AT LEAST THEY POSTED MY PAYMENT TO THE ACCOUNT! - On that note... on with what-ever. - 17.03 Took a 30-minute nap and now I feel a touch worse than I did before it! Well...? That's how it goes. But eggs with cheese and left-over rice and veggies on the stove. “Meal”. This day is almost done! - Was just out on the porch for a smoke when Megan came walking by. Didn't say anything. Just gave a grunt. Here we go again... it's another “Fuklin”... I'm on the Shit List... because I mind my own affairs. Easier here though... fukkem... fukkemall. This is NY and MY “home-state”! - 18.44 In from “after inner smoke”, and even the dishes are done... hot water in the mug, at-hand, and we're back to the futon! The bed linens are (to my utter shock), dry enough to put back n the bed. The sheets are on the rods which are on the doors to the over-head “cleaning cubby”. I should have thought of that before. It's a bit on the “chilled” side out there this evening and I'm still amazed at how well the 2 radiators keep this place warm. (Again, if the temperatures drop to “minus”, there's no telling and I doubt they'll keep up with that kind of cold but for now... this is amazing!) - What next? Well... no “beverages” tonight. I have to be at “work” at 16.00 tomorrow. - But imagine... from prep to finish... a “meal” in only about an hour. WELL! - I still have to marvel: Alvin, Vivian, now Eric and Megan not speaking. That's most of the town! And why? Why, indeed. But, I don't give a shit. - 22.16 Well? Another day has flow away. The saddest part of this one is that tomorrow, it's back to work for 4 hours and then, immediately there-after, work again on Monday... and I believe that one's for 5 hours. THEN come the 7-hour evenings! Oh well. 94$ in a day's work. Not great, but not bad. - And the “news” about the “COLA” for Soc.Sec. is that it's only 1,6 per-cent this time round, a mere 16,96 more per month... AND it comes into effect for January 2020 which means it doesn't arrive until February. Honestly... the bull-shittery. - Anyway, as difficult as it is to leave the living-room and the futon... OH WAIT! Before I forget... RECEIVED AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF RECEIPT OF THE E-MAIL I SENT TO LOUISE TODAY AND SHE ATTACHED A PHOTO OF HER, Mr. AND THEIR SON ON A LOVELY BOAT... ON CHAMPLAIN. I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO RECEIVE GOOD WORDS FROM HER, APPRECIATING MY CONCERN FOR HER HOUSE (and no regrets over having sold the futon/table for so little... something I've been a touch “concerned” about ever since). I have to wonder how often, if at all, I'll be hearing from her now. Though she does communicate through the Crgslst advert. Anyway... it's EXTREMELY nice. - And again, as difficult as it is, it's time to get to the shower. The fresh linens are on the bed, washed in “Arm and Hammer” (liquid). Haven't used that in many years and it was the first I used in Albany! (More “circles” being completed... I can only hope.) And no “beverages” tonight. A bit of “clean out” in preparation for work... not to mention, general feelings of well-being. - Moving along... an evening of “Adirondack Life” magazines awaits. - 23.40 FUKCKING LATE AGAIN BUT... SHOWERED... SCRUBBED... NOW OFF TO BED!

Sun.27.Oct: 8.27 Up. Dressed. Coffee in the press. Under-things in the basin for a soak. In from a smoke. And météo nailed it: rain. Thankfully not a “cold” rain. But the house is DARK! Light on. And why am I up and about? I have NO idea. But I did manage to sleep through last night. Though there was a bit of a dream... something about moving some boxes, for Alvin, I think. and having troubles with my back. This morning, my back is a bit on the “tight” side so I wonder if I didn't have a bit of pain in my sleep. Oh well. Delightful. And the realisation that I have to be out of here at 15.30 again today... not thrilled. And some hours in coolers and freezers as the rains come pouring down. Well? It is what it is. The blessing du jour: it's not COLD in the house. Thank the gods for the radiators. A most brilliant purchase. Next will be the fans for the warmer season. One of these days. One of these days. Surely, during the cold months? AFTER the brakes get repaired on the truck. - Anyway, I'm “not really here” this morning. Not sure why. But as I thought, as I got dressed “One of these days... I'll get up, start my 'routine' and something... SOMETHING will go terribly wrong.” Although, as I look at folks around me these days, in their 70s and such... one never knows. “And the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep.” - Now... onward, to fill the few hours of the day. - 15.13 Feeling shitty. Had burger and 2 fried eggs, slice of bread with butter, ice cream for meal at about 14.00 after a 30-minute nap from which I woke feeling miserable. Perfectly charming day, all told... got nothing accomplished other than “Thanks” to 2 folks on Minds for “wires”. And now... the rains have turned to drizzles and it's time to get ready to go to the “coolers”. I DREAD this job now! Sad... very sad. At least I showered well last night and won't before work. I'll shower before bed tonight... at about 20.30 when I get back. I'm TIRED! (I wish I knew why I'm so tired so often but... maybe it's best I don't know?) It's a shame, really, to dislike a job that's generally so simple. I don't like the cold or the stench of that back-room and cooler. I don't like coming back with a “stink” hanging on me. And I don't like being in the cold. Oh well... I DO NEED the extra money (even though it's going to cause me more shit with my FS and probably with my Medicaid... if I ever get that), so I'm “stuck” at the moment. So? Just finishing a tea, hoping that will help to settle my gut. Now... to hope the truck makes the trip again tonight... BOTH WAYS... NO “WARNING LIGHTS”... NO SHIT... NO TROUBLES... JUST TO WORK AND BACK! (Yeah... right. And the Pope will be at table, with tea at the ready, upon my return. FUCK!) - 20.50 With a v-ton at hand... fresh out of the shower and a smoke on the porch. IT WAS A NIGHT OF... and I was back in at 20.25. - Started out OK. I was there a good 15 minutes early. Fine. Got my “assignments”. Glen was on tonight too, which did make it a bit easier. He started with “Start with the cooler. It shouldn't take more than an hour. We have to get up to speed with that.” Fine. Then go to “chips”, then to the ice cream. Fine, fine. But NO! It was an hour in the cooler, and things looked pretty damned good, considering there's no fucking stock in the store. And as I went to do the chips it was “the half gallons”... OF WHAT? OH! ICE CREAM. Fine, fine. THEN it was “The chips are looking sparse.” Well yes, yes they do. I was told to do them in between the cooler and the “half gallons”. Never mind. To the chips. THEN to the half gallons... Ah.. “Holes!” AND... NO FUCKING PRODUCT! OK... chips got done, “half gallons” got done. How about the floors? OK. Great. But something backed-up in the slop sink on the floor. A turd. AND THE PLACE WENT MAD! DON'T EMPTY THE BUCKET IN THE SLOP SINK! And they all acted like 5-year-olds, giggling and gagging and ... Glen poured bleach down the which mixed with the toilet contents which created gas! So... I flushed with hot water and got all together... and got to the floors. Time was dragging tonight too. There was time to “recover” and so I began... BUT... GLEN SAYS “LEAVE THE HOLES” where there's no product. PAULA SAYS “FILL THEM WITH OTHER PRODUCT.” Paula says, “There are holes. Go around and fill them all in.” WITH WHAT? WAIT! WHAT? Fill them in. Don't fill them in. One says there's a delivery tomorrow. Another one says there's no delivery until Tuesday and that's going to the new store. Another one says the Tuesday delivery isn't until Wednesday and that's going to the new store. And so... NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT AND I'M BEING TOLD “THERE ARE HOLES”! I LOST IT... ON POOR GLEN! And so, as it stood when I left... Paula's not speaking to me. Fine. GREAT! I simply said to Glen “If I'm not up to where I should be then tell me. I'll leave quietly. No problem. I'll call Amanda in the morning to discuss it.” So, at 20.05 I got my ice cream and egg-nog and with-out so much as a “Fuck off.”, I left. And there's the day. This was supposed to be “fun”, a bit of getting to know the locals. (And, yes, a bit of much-needed added income.) BUT... being stuck in a cooler for the duration, conflicting directions, the appearance that I don't know what I'm doing or that I'm a bit “slow” (I think I used the term “retarded” when I spoke with Glen... in the cooler)... Yes, I CAN use the extra income but no, I do NOT need a place that's going to be the cause of coming in the door and going directly for a drink. So? I've decided to “sleep on it”... get in touch with Amanda tomorrow, ask for a moment of “eval” on both sides at her convenience. If it works out? Fine. If not? Fine too. I CAN move on. I CAN put things off for as long as needed with only the single income. I'm fucking retired... I don't need more aggravation. I mean, between the Diva next door, the fact that the town's not speaking to me... I do NOT need this bull-shit. (What I NEED is a place away from everybody... a trip to get my mail, some necessities and that's that... I keep thinking of living in The City where one seldom speaks to one's neighbours and I did that for MOST of my life-time... it worked quite well... with one exception: I NEVER had to walk around as if on broken glass as I do here. No music, no nothing. This needs to change... and I have to figure out “HOW” it's going to change.) - Anyway... the fact that I don't get a receipt for my purchases bothers me as well. Just because I'm an employee? Fuck that! So now, I'm off to “reconcile” my Ticonderoga account and have a night of it... for a while. At least I'm warm from the hot shower, clean and cozy. (Sadly, the oven's on to make up for the absence of radiators whilst I was gone. AND... the fucking outlet in the kitchen? It was quite warm this evening when I disconnected that radiator. GREAT! Now the electric won't handle the radiator? And that's the WASHING machine outlet! Fuck. It's just getting to me tonight... for some reason.) - 21.17 PISSED... THE PURCHASE AT STEWARTS HASN'T POSTED TO MY ACCOUNT YET! NO RECEIPT AND NO TRANSACTION! Back to my beverage (and half a mind to have a smoke with!)

Mon.28.Oct: 1.00 FUCK ME AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND... Oh well! Late again. But I've bought... BOUGHT BOOKS... KAFKA... BOOKS!!! 30$ of books, from a place in Oregon. KAFKA! And I've a list for the rest already, Tolstoy, Salinger, Woolf... the “interesting” books that I would LOVE to get lost in again! Anyway... 2 v-tons too. Fuck it. I just don't (can't?) care any more. - The purchase from work still isn't appearing on my “account” and now? I might have an ice cream before bed. I don't know. I don't (can't?) care. But anyway... BOOKS are COMING BACK! FUCK! BOOKS! MUSIC! ME (maybe... but I doubt it). I'm getting my “discovery” together here. “New Russia”... imagine... Kafka, Woolf... Tolstoy... Salinger... New Russia. Fukkem. Fukkemall! - 8.09 Up, dressed, coffee, coffee in the press, in from a smoke, feeling like SHIT! Didn't get to bed until about 2.00. Don't want to be awake. Not well. Don't want to go back to the store. Paper-work due form FedLoan. 7 hours in that place today. Feeling like a “hit and run” victim. And the mountains are covered in fog, but the sky above is blue and the earth below is wet and... I've got a feeling (oo-hoo) that today's gonna be a shit day, that today's gonna be a shit-shit day. Charming. Trying to “word a text” to Amanda. Tired, I suppose. And today, 8 hours with-out heat in the house. It's going to be “interesting”... to put it all politely. - 8.31 OK.. So the transaction from last evening's “dairy” at the store appeared this morning at about 9$ less than I'd figure, and the transaction for the books too, but on hold until the 31st, and that came to about 7$ less than originally posted. A brief “text” sent to Amanada and I've had the morning trip to the loo. Rolling right along here... “rolling”. (I'm fuck out of it.) - 10.46 Received response from Amanda: She “heard something” about last night and it's to be discussed at Sunday's “Share Meeting” (where everybody gets to “share” their opinions, thoughts, &c. about the store). Nope. Not happy about that... letting it “ride” for several days. Just makes the “working conditions” uncomfortable as unresolved issues linger. On top of which, the “application” for the student loans arrived today. PAGES and cryptic questions which all boil-down to, it's not in my best interest to keep working... increasing my income and now having “taxable” (or, as it stands now, “taxed” income). SO that makes my decision to leave the store a bit easier. It's probably best that I don't have a printer right now because I'd be working on my “resignation”. But it does make it easier to make it known this evening that it's not likely that I'll be an employee come the holidays. Yes, it's going to make it all the harder for me, with the expenses of the truck, but... it's merely a return to the way things were when I first arrived. Just so long as I have heat, food, hot water... AND THE RENT... it'll be difficult but less difficult than if I were to continue working... financially and emotionally. As I've been thinking: I'm “retired”, came back to NY (primarily to die anyway) to get away from the “conflicts” of VT. Since arriving, the “conflicts” have appeared and I'm at wits' end with it. At least Ms. Diva has left me alone. THERE'S something positive to be said. - Meanwhile, my sinuses are annoying me and I'm tired. Time to snooze and hope it helps. I'm in “exhaustion” now... last night pushed the limit. - 12.14 Took a 30-minute, woke feeling not much better than before. And since having “slept on” the matters at hand have decided: I'll roll in to the store today... with all my little “trinkets” (shirt, name tags, &c.) and “tenderly tender” my “resignation”. Truly? It's not worth more “conflict” and my primary reason for the decision: Letting all of this ride until Sunday, to be presented to a “tribunal” instead of addressing it rather immediately. I'll offer to work tonight's shift, see how far that goes, but will be prepared to “change” shirt and cap and leave quietly. “What-ever will be, will be.” - 13.24 Teeth, face, clothes... Here we go... - 21.54 Time to wrap this day up... - SO. I got to the store at about 15.40 to find the hustle of moving stock from one to the other under weigh. Green bins being moved about. Many people, many faces, only one or two that looked even vaguely familiar. I asked one gal, with whom I'd worked before but who's name, I think, is Sarah, or something similar, “Who's running the show today?” She told me “Jen”, who was sitting at the desk, eating. Oh well... a “manager” would do. I apologised for disturbing her meal and proceeded to explain, in as civil-business tone as possible that I felt the situation there was working-out for either side, that my performance obviously wasn't up to expectations and neither was the store's. She didn't quite catch what I was telling her so I had to just say “I'm here today, ready to work my full shift, or not, am willing to finish my scheduled time, or not, which-ever was preferred. I told her that I'd had a “text” from Amanda with regard to the event that led up to my resignation. Jen was clueless. “You're still on stock. Right? You don't do register?” Confirmed, she said that there really wasn't anything to be done with the stock today, since it was being moved over to the new store but, if I wanted to stay the shift, I could go to the new store and ask if they needed any help over there. I rather welcomed the idea of not being in the “old” store and certainly cherished the notion of not being confined to a cooler for the 5 hours I was scheduled for. So off I toddled, to the “new” store where I was warmly greeted by a bunch of strangers. (I was to learn that some of them had come in from Potsdam to do set-up!) Damien, the fellow with whom I'd interviewed and who, I'm supposing, is the DM, came over with a hearty welcome. “How's it going?” “Oh... it's going.” I replied, and let it go at that. I was sent into... the cooler! Well, the new cooler isn't yet as “cool” as the old one, and it doesn't yet stink to the lowest reaches of Hell, it's MUCH larger and MUCH brighter and all that was required of me was to take 2 cases of bottled water and put them on a rack in the store-proper! After that, there was stocking of candy, food-stuffs, house-goods and such on various shelves... according to “plan-o-gram”! So, there I worked until about 15.30. The time there was constantly busy and actually felt fulfilling, for a change. At 15.30, we'd done all that was to be done and so I went back over to the old store to ask what, if anything else could be done. And when I got there, Paul was on! Figuring he'd already been informed of my “resignation”, I half-joked about it probably being my last day and he was a bit taken by surprise! He also confirmed that there really wasn't much of anything for me to do there but REALLY WANTED to know what had happened. I repeated my resolve that “it just wasn't working to the benefit of either party” and he INSISTED upon knowing what happened... and so... off to the back we went to “discuss”. I didn't mention names, much to his chagrin, and he said “I'll have to go dig and investigate to figure out who this person is.” Eventually, he ran down the hierarchy... Amanda, him, Paula... and somebody after her. But when he got to the end of the “list”, I just held up 3 fingers and said “I'm NOT mentioning names, but... the 3rd.” He asked for particulars and I gave them, stressing that it may well have been a “perception” issue on both sides. I explained that I'd let loose on poor Glen, and then apologised to him, explaining that it wasn't HIM or anything he'd done to upset me but I'd just had more than enough of being told what I didn't do by somebody who didn't bother to pay attention to anything I'd done and the conflicting directions being given. I told Paul of how Paula didn't speak to me when I made my purchase as I was leaving, how she simply put the receipt on the counter, let me sign and all but “dismissed”” me in silence. “I never spoke with her about the situation so she had to be responding to what-ever Glen had said to her. But I found it inappropriate that she should simply take the childish 'I'm not talking to you.' stance on the matter. My own opinion, having been management my-self is that, if you have a difficulty, you address it immediately or as quickly as possible, especially in such a small environment as this.” And I went on to say that, as much as I understand the pressures Amanda is under at the time, I was a bit put off by the dismissal of it all until Sunday. I mean, I have to work with Paula, perhaps, during the week and the situation isn't at all comfortable. So I thought it best, after having given it thought all night last night and this morning, that I simply leave, and allow somebody else, better-suited, to take my place. Paul was obviously upset, saying that Paula had grained him when he came to the store. (Paul, by the way, is “Shift Supervisor”... what-ever that is in such a small place.) I said that I didn't want to leave the store in the lurch, having to scramble to re-assign people. He assured me that it was no trouble, had been done quickly, many times. We chatted about people who simply leave, don't return to work, no warning, no message... just walk out and away. I assured him that that wasn't my intention, I'd work my full hours as assigned and then leave. Well! As it ended, there really wasn't anything for me to do the rest of the evening and so, I was told that I could leave early. And so I did. - It actually was nice, driving along in day-light, for a change. And I wasn't at all hungry because I'd had a burger, bread, and a bit of ice cream and a tea before heading to the store. I drove leisurely along and by 16.41, I was back in the house, changing into “house-clothes” and settling in again. - A while later... a text... from Amanda. She'd heard from Paul and was wondering if, instead of coming in at 14.00 on Thursday (my 7-hour shift... god help me), I could come in at 13.30 to discuss. Of course I said, “yes” and I thanked her, as I do, and Paul as well. Why? Why not? What will happen on Thursday? Well, truth be told, the income is fucking with my FS, might fuck with my Soc.Sec. and... AND will, most likely, fuck with my “FedLoan”. And oh... Paul says that these “Share Meetings” aren't a “tribunal”, they're more 1-on-1 and that I'm due my first anyway. Anyway, indeed... what comes of it, comes of it. If I get to stay? I'll see how I feel about it, where the “job” is heading... if nothing but stocking and coolers... I'm out. Or... if they agree that it's “not working out”, then nothing lost. Either way... Thursday is the day. - And so, for the rest of the evening? Well, my right “kidney” is sore as Hell again. I'm not sure why, so I had a 45-minute “lie-down”, which helped a bit with the fatigue but not for the “side pain”. (I've been drinking water regularly tonight and peeing in a bottle again... to monitor colour, odour and for “flecks”. The very last thing I need now is another kidney infection! - Rang Donna, got the machine, left a message and some time later, a text from Dorothy. “Are you home? Donna says she'll call you next week when Tony leaves.” I still haven't replied. - A bit hungry, I had a tin of “pasta e fagioli”... nice, hot soup. And I got to see “The Five”... though I'm having trouble with the original site now, oddly... something about the “internet security setting” (that I didn't change but who the fuck knows about such shit)... on another site. Then, went on to watch 2 “biography shows” I'd down-loaded last night, on Edgar Allen Poe (because somebody posted one on Minds). - Oh... and Linda naturespirit texted. She's started a new 'channel”, so I “subscribed” through 3 of my own accounts and she, to them. (That was this morning, really, before I'd left for “work”.) - And I did a little window-washing of the Southern living-room windows. ALL of the front windows need a good scrubbing, but, honestly, my heart isn't in to any of that any more. (Hangovers of the Diva and the discomfort of being here with her lingering about.) - But right now, I'm sitting on the futon, a “votive” has been lit. The little PO light is on and all's quite quiet. Where “life and the world” go from here is... well... by 23.00 I want to be IN BED! Thankfully I don't have to shower before bed tonight... having done nothing, really, dirty and not working for but about 2 hours (which cuts my income but I don't care... really). - A quick trip through the soc.med. and off to bed it is then. - Oh, of note, perhaps: I rang Walmarde customer service this evening, spoke with a “Marie”, told her of my disgust with “corporate” not supplying the Ticonderoga store with sufficient stock of the sheets. She took my info and thanked me for calling. Where THAT goes is anybody's guess. But there are things I'd like to go get, there, and as I told “Marie”, I'm waiting for the sheets. - OK... I'm up to where I am. My stomach's making “churnings” and my side is feeling “large”. Another water... I could have another smoke as well (and am so tempted to simply have one right here, in the living-room. One of these days...)

Tue.29.Oct: 0.17 and late again! DONE! - 9.07 and we're off and running (HAH!) again. Up at about 8.15 and this morning there's PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN!!!! The right elbow, stiff and PAINFUL to move. The right side of my back, feels “swollen” and PAINFUL, to cough, breath, move. Generally, it's all just a lot of PAIN this grey, breezy, not-to-cold morning. And it's another one of those, standing for morning smoke, mornings reminding m'self: “You came home to die.” And I ask m'self: “Why don't you just DO IT?” Actually, it might be nicer to know WTAF is going on with this old body, as it falls apart. But every time I've ever gone to find out WTAF is going on, they run their “tests” and the results are the same: “Everything looks to be just fine.” Yep... MAYBE it's all just “stress” and anxieties. Could be. I've been stressed and anxious ALL of my existence. Surely, it takes a toll some-where, some-how. And then I have to remember: I managed to move house to here AND I manged to move the futon to here. So I shouldn't complain now. Major hauls have been accomplished. So I should just sit down and shut up about the pains. - Meanwhile, there's paper-work to be completed this morning to keep the fuckers away. And I've thought: hair-cut and dirver's license... with-out which, my every-thing else has come to a screeching halt but WITH, every OTHER thing will come slamming into my face. (And insurance is coming due on the truck and such...) Oh well. I tried to get every expense to the end of the year. Here it is... end of the year. KRISTE! They years, they go by. - So... let's get a-rollin' here. Time will continue. - Ms. Biddy and hubby are “in” and too, “Paul and Zeke”. Charming. Seriously... it's about the ones who roll up the moment the door to the PO flies open. Clueless... or... they literally have nothing else to do with their life. Alas. Oh well... none of my concern. - On with the day. - 10.30 FEDLOAN IS OUT! - POSTED CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT. DONE! For now. And now we wait for the bull-shit to commence filling the air, darkening the sun. - And at 10.00, I FINALLY got to my first “real” coffee of the day. And then... cleaned the out-side of the PO-side front windows. Why? I honestly do NOT know. But they're done. (The “optics” of it are nice... I suppose. “Oh look. He's cleaned the windows.” Fuck.) - My right side feels a touch better. I've taken to sitting at the kitchen table to use the lap-top again. And, I've been “mobile” all morning. Urine is still coming through “clean” and not “dark”. “Flush and Hydrate”, I suppose. - And I'm ready to get back into bed, to be honest. Still feeling a bit “funny in the nose”. As if coming-down with some sort of some-thing. - And a day ahead of nothing on the agenda. Very nice, indeed. For a change. - Moving along.... - 11.41 The side's still a bit sore, I'm still a bit weary/fatigued. Nothing on the agenda. Only half through the 2nd coffee. Not in the mood for “lunch”. I'm off to nap. No reason against it. May as well.

Wed.30.Oct: 1.51 and I've fucked-up again! Yes I have done! AGAIN! The time just RUSHED by... BECAUSE... I DID MORE BOOK SHOPPING! (But THIS site was even cheaper than the last one AND MY PREVIOUS BOOK SHOPPING ORDER HAS SHIPPED!!!) ANYWAYyyyyyyy..... - The day passed... “Meal” was quite OK. Browned rice with veggies and a chicken thigh... BAKED to CRIPSIE! I finished the ice cream and egg-nog. (More shopping for dessert today... but that's OK because smokes are needed too.) - A few texts from Dorothy Dear. “I'll call you at 11.” That's today. Yep. I won't sit round waiting. - My side's still a bit painful but not quite as bad as it's been. I napped for almost an hour during the day, mostly to escape the pain. - I don't know exactly why, but I've been Hell-bent on getting my books back. The sickening part of the “shopping” is seeing that some of the books I USED to have are now selling for HUNDREDS of DOLLARS! FUCK! It does NOTHING toward feeling ANY sort of “FORGIVENESS” for those shit-bags that packed me up in that U-Haul! Thankfully, I found a GREAT book-seller, on-line, and tonight's purchases were, for the most part, under 5$ each! So, of course, I just spent 40$... out of today's pay of about 80$. Oh well. My “life” is coming back and I'll enjoy re-re-reading these books. “Resurrection”, Salinger, Kafka, Berendt. Cunningham... good stuff to get lost in. - Other than that, it was the book-shopping that passed the greatest portion of the day-into-night-into-next-day. And now? I'm just hoping for at least SOME sleep AND SOME REST! - A look at the forecast? Saturday and Sunday nights... ZERO! ZERO! THIS is going to be interesting to see how well the radiators will stand against the cold. Thankfully, IF I continue working, hours for Sunday are 14-19.00. 5 hours away. I MIGHT HAVE to trust the radiators whilst I'm away. Hopefully the forecast will change and it won't be all that cold, that early. - And so now... I'm off to brush teeth and get into bed. And the hope of no pain through the night. - Oh, of note... I've managed to “flush the kidneys” quite nicely. Clear. No “specks”. Light colour. At least I can go to bed rather assured that there's no “toxins” in there. (The pain is probably sitting incorrectly on the futon... My body's used to the kitchen chair. I can only hope that that's what it's about.) - 2.08 ENOUGH! DAY'S DONE! - 9.10 and I heard the alarm, and ignored it and kept on sleeping after calcing the 6 hours in bed, 3 trips to pee during the “night” and THEN... BANG BANG BANG ON THE PO BLUE BOX! 8.36! SLEEP WAS OVER! So now, I'm dressed, coffee's steeping, had a smoke, greeted the nice Post Office lady and... this grey, but not cold day has commenced with heavy-in-the-chest, slight pain in the side, the strange sensation that there's something “laying” in my chest and but so... the day. And even more? This morning's “finances” are done as well. Did them all before going to bed! Time to re-check. Oh, and there's the “decision” about the job, wondering what's to come tomorrow there. Ms. Biddy says she was at the new store this morning already. So they're up and running. Bless them. And I'm looking forward to going into a store for 7 hours tomorrow, where they'll all be “a-flutter” because “IT'S A NEW STORE!” and there'll be ALL sorts of “confusion” because, like autistic children, ANY change in the status quo is cause for all sorts of commotion. (I saw that with the back-up of the sewage on Monday.) And I really don't have the patience for such BS. Not to mention, the attitude I expect of “Oh, he's going to have to learn the place all over again.” and the expectation that I'll be even SLOWER. Fine... It's all leaning toward “Don't bother to get up. I'll see my-self to the door. Thank you.” We shall see. (I honestly don't want to go back there anyway.) - Let's see how this all rolls along... today today, tomorrow, tomorrow. - 9.18 Ah... but... as expected, the météo HAS, indeed, changed. It's 14° out there now, high of 18, tonight's low, 11°. Tomorrow, “faible pluie” and 17° high, 6, low. “Vendredi”? the HIGH... 6° and the LOW? *-2°*. COLDER than anticipated. BUT... the GOOD bit about that is that on Thursday, should I fill the shift, it won't be cold whilst I'm away. AND... I'll be IN THE HOUSE on Friday (and Saturday) nights... when the COLD snaps at the place. THEN... Saturday, high of 7, low of 1... Sunday? High of 6, low of *-1*. Wednesday next, low of *-2*. The 14 days? Thursday trough Sunday... at night, the LOWS... *MINUS 3*. HERE WE GO BOIZENGURLZ! HANG ONTO YOUR DRAWERS! - Oh well... it was bound to happen... sooner or later. Let's just hope HEAP gets to Avery on time. I'll need oil and propane! - 23.26 AND AGAIN, SO FUCKING MUCH FOR BEING ASLEEP AT MID-NIGHT! I'VE JUST DONE A MAJOR MAJOR IMAGE CLEAN-OUT ON THIS LAP-TOP! STUFFED THEM ALL ONTO THE 1T DRIVE. I'VE HAD IT WITH ALL THE SHIT ON THIS THING. - AND I'M LEAVING THIS ON BOLD FOR A BIT... - *** IT'S FUCKING HELLISHLY HOT IN HERE TONIGHT! IT'S 25° IN THE BED-ROOM! AND ONLY ABOUT 14° OUT-SIDE! I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! I'M OUT OF A SHOWER... A GREAT SHOWER... SITTING HERE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE, SHIRTLESS AND SWEATING! AND... I DID A QUICK CHECK OF THE MÉTÉO... THURSDAY THE 7TH, FRIDAY THE 8TH SATURDAY THE 9TH... ***** ***** ***** SNOW ***** ***** ***** AND ON SATURDAY? THE HIGH ***** ***** ***** MINUS 4 ***** ***** ***** WINTER'S NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I CAN GET OIL FOR THE FURNACE! OH WELL! - Ending the bold and italics for a moment... The day... it was about 14.00, I was getting me together to head into town for ice cream and butter and eggs and smokes (of course) when the phone rings... Dorothy. I didn't bother answering. Off I went. - At long last, a tin-opener from the FamDoll, 2 packs smokes and air freshener (because I'm almost completely out). On to Tops for chicken, ice cream, eggs, butter, vanilla (cookies) and “Nighty Night Tea”! Yay! And other shit that ran me 40$! Fuck me! And all on FOOD! But there's only 12$ on the FS so... - I was back by about 15.30 and by 16.00... “meal” was in the oven to warm: left-over chicken and some rice. Ice cream for dessert and that was that. NOW... back to bold a moment. - RECEIVED A PHONE CALL FROM WALMARDE, TICONDEROGA, “DAVE” THE MANAGER. ABOUT THE SHEETS! IMAGINE? HE'S ORDERING THEM SPECIAL AND WILL CALL ME WHEN THEY COME IN! I'M IN SHOCK! (Try that shit in VT... they'd tell you to get stuffed!) Of course, now they come along, when I'm about to toddle in and quite the job tomorrow. Oh well. “Life”. I'll just go back to the AUSTERITY and figure the rest (the truck) out as it comes along. Can't get blood from stone. That's that. BUT TO ORDER 8 SHEETS FOR ME! (Now to figure out how to get to the store with-out stressing the truck... in due course.) - AND BOOKS SEEM TO BE ON THEIR WAY! ALL OF THE KAFAK FROM POWELLS. ONE SALINGER (last I checked) from ABE. BOOKS! (Now I have to figure where to put them. The shelf I'd planned on is too fucking narrow. Alas.) - And so... I trimmed beard and moustache this evening. Was going to cut my hair but just don't care enough to get into that (besides... MINUS 4 is coming!). - By 22.00, I was in a WONDERFUL shower as all the image files continued (for HOURS) to move to the external drive. And now? The files are gone from the lap-top, back-ups are done (especially the “financials”) and I've had a NightyNight but will have a hot water. (Why? To flush. Certainly not to warm up... it's SERIOUSLY HOT IN HERE TONIGHT! I can't figure out why! But I'm NOT turning the radiators off! These walls need to be WARM next week!) As for the night? I suppose I'll just have to put up with what-ever I manage tomorrow. - I'm not planning on staying on at Stewart's. Let's just put it that way. Having to work with a child for a manager just isn't worth the aggravation... and if I have to pull 7-hour shifts with that? Not to mention, I don't know what kind of DRAMA Glen caused to have Paula so angry with me so, working with Glen is out of the question too. I'll just have to find some-place else... Tops is hiring... so they claim... probably for the holidays. Give me a fucking register and a couple of hours in the day and that's that, if that. But Stewart's? Not looking promising. It's going to hurt, but... - 23-fucking-44! I'm going to check my e-mails (for book deliveries), gulp a hot water, maybe a quick half-smoke, teeth brushing and to BED! (And the tea isn't making me tired... maybe it's the yoghurt I had after... WHAT-THE-ACTUAL-FUCK-EVER!

Thu.31.Oct: John's 62 today! Dumass! Fell apart on his 30th... moron. Gee. Lookie here! 32 years later! Idiot.
14.58 *”OFFICIALLY”* “RETIRED” AGAIN!
- 8.33 and yes, I DID get to sleep, the very moment my head rested n the pillow. Leave it to “Nighty Night” tea! And I must have slept quite “heavily” because I can feel it in my chest. Of course, there's the stress of the rest of this day, and I'm trying to decide between going in dressed for work or not. The more I think about it, the less I like about this situation. And it's now down to: Yes, I snapped at Glen. Yes, I apologised to him. I don't know what he said to Paula. I'm not comfortable with knowing that he ran to her to discuss the matter. I'm not comfortable with knowing that she simply “shut me out”. This won't “improve”. Pat experience has taught me that much. And so, there'll be further “conflicts”... and “conflicts” is what I don't need in life at this juncture. I've got heating to think about, the truck, eating... and today, I've got the concerns of the coming days of “Winter”. (Though, again, this morning, it's 23° in the bed-room and as I walk about, I can feel “heat” coming from some-where, floating about in the house. Very strange. But much appreciated. I know it's not going to be this way when the -4° comes. But for now, at least it gives me the comfort of knowing that the “house”, the walls, are being warmed... in preparation. - It's grey out there. Warm too. Fog on the mountains. Wet roads. Ah... a delightful sort of morn, as it were. So. Coffee's on the steep. I'm in from a smoke. Let's see how the moments roll along. “Time will tell.” Indeed. Yes... indeed. - 10.40 And the morning's rolling along, comfy warmish. - First thing this morning, message from Amanda: Could you come in earlier? I replied “Is 1.00 OK?” Let's see how that goes over. I'm willing to “help” until end of scheduled shift today, considering the “storm” in the forecast (people emptying shelves) and Halloween candy rush (not that there should be much of that, if the threatened winds and rains hit). But I've resolved: Not keeping this job. Nope. So it'll be my “resignation” today. If they don't want the help, so be it. I'm in no mood to deal with this nonsense any longer. (Saw it coming, I must admit.) - Then, a message from Dorothy: Call me... No wait... More of this BS. - But had a good laugh, chatting with Ms. Becky for a bit this morning. And she gave me SOME comfort where truck inspection is concerned. “This isn't Vermont. They only care about the computer and the brakes.” Yep... “brakes”. THAT'S my main dagger. But at least I don't have to be concerned about the rust on the rockers. One good to one bad. - And now? Having coffee, just in from a smoke. - Oh, and Alvin was at the PO when I was there. He SPOKE! So there's no telling how/what “things” are round here. Not that I have the time to be concerned. - Oh, one other item: When I mentioned the “falling-out” because of Ms. Diva, Becky replied “She's a piece of....” THAT'S a bit of a consolation and comfort as well. NOT, mind, that I trust the words of folks any longer. But there we have it. Done. Moving on. Moving along. - The forecast has a bit of a change this morning. Yes, the cold will be coming. Yes, “bitter” is to come. But not as low and not as long as last night's threats. Snow? Yes. But not as much as the 16cm of last night's “accumulation”. Truth is: there's nothing that can be done about it. Weather will be what it is. “Nature”. Oddly enough, last night, before going to sleep, gleaning a 2001 copy of “Adirondack Life”, there was a photo of a woman walking along in SNOW, caption: “Going Home New Russia”. The article was about the “easier Winters” of recent times. One has to wonder. As it shows, the winds (65mph) will be South-West. I asked Ms. Biddy about safe parking for the truck. She said that, in the back is probably the safest because the trees are younger. Hmmm... “advice” from...? I think of the older trees across the road. But, the old pines are far enough away from the road and the direction of the wind... well... we're at the mountains so... Again... “Nature” will do what it will do. I'll leave the truck where it is. I have to go out later anyway. We'll see how it all rolls. - I could go back to bed, honestly. But I told D. I'd call at 11.Still waiting for a reply to my “1.00” inquiry. Hell, where that store is concerned, I won't be “on the clock” nor the “pay-roll” for this. It's a kindness more than much else. And I don't other-wise have to go into town. So? So. We shall see. Time will tell. And other such clichés, as they are. - 11.07 Just received reply for Amanda: I've left already. instead of coming in at 2, come in at 4 and we can chat then. Thanks.” Looks more like I'll be going in at my convenience, dropping my “Stewart's paraphernalia whether she's there or not and that's that. They get the consideration that they give. First it's 2pm. Then it's 1.30pm. Then it's “earlier”. Now it's later. I'm not an employee any longer (I see that that's been established.) I “owe” them nothing. They “owe” me 2 hours' pay. End of matter. - 13.32 WONDERFUL chat with Dorothy again this morning... for several hours, of course. And now? Everything “Stewart's” is folded and in a bag, ready for return. I see it as: I was scheduled to start at 14.00, was told to come in at 16.00 so... rather almost obviously, I've been “released” from responsibilities. The store manager doesn't want to hear about the situation, the “evening manager” doesn't want to discuss... the matter is settled. Best to simply let it all settle as it will. Obviously, they don't need the hired help. - I'm off to town, to drop it off and get some provisions for the storm. - 14.59 Well! WELL! THAT was INTERESTING... let's call it that. I left the house, went to FamDoll for smokes and tea-lights (tea-lights for the terra cotta heater, primarily) and new bulbs for the little “night light” behind the futon. (And those lights? 60w each and WHAT A LIGHT! Let's hope they don't burn the place or the lamp, to ashes. LOL.Fuck.) The nice gal took back the LEDs that don't work, full refund. No prob. Then next, to Tops for more chicken, ice cream, crisps, dip, butter (on sale) and... POTATOES, red, 5lbs, 1,99$ couldn't resist. Why not? Good to have in the house. - OK! Across the road and into the store where Madeline (I believe is her name) and Glen were at the register. HAPPY WAVE from Madeline. “How's it going?” from Glen who was getting food for his break and then walked away. My reply “It's rollin'.” And I handed Madeline the bag with shirts, cap, fleece, IDs and asked “Would you give these to Amanda when she gets in?” She replied “Yes, but I don't like this. I just want you to know that.” I merely said “Not unexpected. We're all disposable.” “I'll toot when I go through New Russia.” she said. See? It isn't just “me”. Oh well. And so... out the door and back to the home-stead... “Re-retired”. Or... “Back into retirement.” I can't help but believe this is for the better... with FS and Soc.Sec. And hey! If nothing else, the “optics” are: It's not as if he doesn't WANT to work. And so... - Rolling down the 9... OF COURSE SOMETHING HAD TO GO TO SHIT TODAY! THE FUCKING GAUGE CLUSTER WENT COMPLETELY DARK! NO “PRNDL”, BLIP, ZILCH, FUCK-ME! IT DID COME BACK ON AS I PARKED IN THE BACK YARD, BUT... FUCK ME! OF COURSE. - And now... I've un-packed today's shopping foray and will have to get to putting-up the chicken. At least there's food. - Oh... just for MY “record-keeping”, I immediately, upon entering the house, sent a “text” to Amanda:
Hi Amanda, just wanted to let you know, I've returned 3 shirts, cap, fleece & IDs to the E-town store. Thank you for making my resignation easier. Regrettable that it's not company policy to resolve issues. But I appreciate learning early on. I worked from 2-4pm helping set-up the new store on Monday, 28 Oct. Paul released me at shortly after. Thanks for the experience. Best wishes in the new store. Judah
At 15.03 came the reply:
Sorry to hear this wasn't a resolvable issue for you
Thank you for returning your Stewart's belongings.
Good luck in your future endeavors and I hope you'll stay in touch as a customer as I found you to be quite interesting and kind.
You'll be paid for your time on Monday.
Well, imagine THAT! “wasn't a resolvable issue for [me]”. No... I just don't have the time or the patience to dick around. BUT, ”I hope you'll stay in touch as a customer as I found you to be quite interesting and kind.” The “kind” is touching... A shame I don't believe it but... and as for *I* didn't find it “resolvable”? Clueless. But anyway... it's done. Move on. As I say, this is probably more a blessing... I've got FS and medical to consider. Makes it a bit more difficult for me, financially, but... I've existed on NOTHING... back to “AUSTERITY”. (Just so long as the rent gets paid... and there's a bit of heat in the place. I can starve to death, but I will NOT be cold again!) - And now? To my chicken! Before it gets up and tries to leave. - 21.17 well, I made the “chicken and rice” but the rice didn't really cook well. Not sure why. It was in for over 2 hours! Not enough liquid, I think. But... there's THREE more meals in the dish, so that's not bad. I can always put the rice in a pot, a bit of water. It's the “Progresso” soup... doesn't work as well as Campbells. Must to remember. But I ate whilst watching “The Five”, had ice cream after, done by about 18.15 or so. Why? I don't know. That's how it went. - Watched a bit of “Have I Got News For You” and then on to “Are You Being Served”. Passing time... and trying to dodge the ANXIETIES! FUCK! - It's pouring down with rain now. Not cold... yet. But the impending cold worries me. Why that too? I don't know. - The anxieties... stupid, really. I wasn't working when I got here. The income hasn't made all that much difference. It's more the “timing”... weekly extra. But my insides are a mess, my brain swirls with horrors. It's all just so stupid. I just go back to where I was before... the rent and utilities get paid. It's the extra “oil” for the cold. But that was to be expected and I handled that before that fucking job. You'd think it was my only source of income. AND... NOT WORKING is better for my FS AND Medicaid, for fuck's sake! Honestly... I swear my brain just LOOKS for this shit. I NEED to work that out. After all, I wanted to get to the book, re-vamp “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness”. There's art that I want to do (if I had the desk... and that too, will be a hold-off now... but NO DIFFERENT from the past months). It IS my mind... my brain seems to search for shit! And no matter how rational I am about it, the body just goes into “ANXIETY” and “SHOCK”. All because of a job that was supposed to be a little “fun”... and one I didn't want to take seriously. Hey! It's good though. If I find another job, locally, at least I can say that I was “working” recently. (I just wonder how it all got “recorded” at Stewart's. I don't believe a bit of the “I hope you stay in touch” (though I DO believe the “as a customer”) and I don't believe the “quite interesting and kind”. “Protocol” and nothing more. Oh well. But anyway, there'll be about 20$ added to the account on Wednesday... for all the good that'll do. Still, good NOT to have money... in the banque. ANYWAY... trying to decided whether or not a “beverage” is in order, or a “Nighty Night” or simply hot water. Should I go to bed now or not? Soc.med.? And the rain out-side is audible. The house is warm enough. - Tonight's low is 8, tomorrow's high is 6, tomorrow night's low... MINUS 2... Snow on Wednesday... 1 high and minus 3 low next week, Friday and Saturday. In between... COLD but not HORRIFIC. I just have to HOPE that HEAP gets posted to Avery on time and that they can make it here on time. Ah... and I've got to scramble for the propane now too! Can't wait til month's end. Oh well... Here we go. Indeed... here we go. But again... it's not different from when I arrived ... and I was fine-enough with it all then. This worry is nothing but nonsense. (Now, to get the reality into my head!)