Fri.01.December 2017: 0.04 And I’m still at 5199, sick of it, in this little room, at this old plastic table, but listening to WNBZ, Saranac/Plattsburgh, and SO wishing that I was in NYS, the Adirondacks, THE “North Country” (and the radio plays Aaron Neville “Don’t Take Away My Heaven” and my heart shatters… Dennis). – It’s been rough, working on the DeadArtist local, seeing all that history, my life-time. But it’s almost complete at this point. Once I get the local done, I’ll up-date the on-line. When it’s done, there’s really nothing more I want to “leave behind” for anybody. Nobody will probably associate the DeadArtist with me. But that’s OK. Some-where I’ll incorporate “me” into it. But, for now, I’m happy to have a nice local version. Maybe one day I’ll have a “domain” for it. But for now? For now… I’ve come this far… again. And it’s good. – Now to see about trying to get a little bit of sleep. – December… another month, the last of 2017. I’ve like the 7 in this year. I’m not going to like the 8 come next. But then again… there was something wonderful about the number 8 in the Shelter. It protected me there, got me through unscathed. Maybe 2018 will bring me OUT of here and away and Home again. Only Time will tell… only time. – The house is still. The shit-bags are all tucked-in. THIS could very well make me reverse my life: “Sun-downers'”. The peace of the nights. – Fri.1.Dec: Continued… 8.01 The 7.00 alarm sounded this morning and I dozed until… BUHlam! Stove shovels and door, scrape, scrape, kuhLUMP, kuhLANG, thud, thump, and WOOSH! The “new morning” began. Never mind simply turning the old embers in the stove, letting them re-ignite and adding wood. No, we have to make a “do” of it with lighter fluid and all sorts of falderah. Oh well. It’s like trying to instil education into a part of a mind that organically does not exist. And so, by the 7.30 alarm, I was… awake. – It’s a “new month” on a “new day” and all the “old shit” remains. And so it shall remain until such time when it’s behind me, miles away. But I’ve had coffee, smoke, loo and the radio is on. WNBZ is still on the air, same format. Good morning. – Bette Midler’s birthday. “AIDS Awareness” day and 20 days to go to Winter. It’s over-cast, damp, not cold, no snow. And the day commences. Things to “do”. “Occupied”. – 9.28 I go out for a smoke. Hallie and Mimou are at the kitchen door. I bring them out with me. They come in. I finish my smoke and come in via kitchen door. Mme. is sitting at table, reading a little book “The Curious Adventures of Lost Toys”. “Pam gave me this book and told me to make sure I read it.” she says. Fine. A little chat about Hallie and Mimou and then she tells me:
“I’m reading this book so don’t disturb me.”
“Disturb” YOU? I spend almost all day in the room, quietly. I take my coffee in the room. I take my smoke on the porch in the corner. I go to the library. I AVOID YOU. “Disturb” you? How about FUCK YOU! Qunt. (New month, same old, rotting shit.) – 12.20 After saying nothing, not seeing her all morning, she comes to the door. Tap-tap: “I’m going to Integrity to… “ (what-ever) I’m taking Hallie with me but Minou is at the door and I can’t take him with me.” I’m cleaning errors out of the monthly pages in DeadArtist (I didn’t know that I could have saved my-self a LOT of trouble by putting the “Comments” in chronological order… and I’m finding mistakes and MISSING entries! But I’m cleaning out the line spaces as I go along.) It takes concentration. It should have been done MONTHS ago. It was HER negligence and apathy that caused this delay and now she expects me to get up, for her convenience, and get the cat? FUCK YOU TWICE, QUNT! DO YOUR shit for your-self. I’m not “on duty” whilst you’re in this house. It’s *YOUR* house, and you’ve pointed that out numerous times. TAKE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT! AND FUCKING SOD THE BUGGER-FUCK OFF! – Damn! She’s a fucking annoyance! – 17.27 “Meal”… 4 COLD franks and 2 rolls. Food’s gone. Alas. Will I go to the store tonight? Not likely. But the franks are already playing havoc on my gut. – Aside from 2 naps during the day, I’ve been at the table, re-working the DA local. Found comments that were missed! And I don’t mind saying that I’m FUCKING RIP-PISSED! Not so much with having missed the comments as I am every time I think of all the work that’s sitting on a busted lap-top and that I shouldn’t be bothering with this at this point in time. – And Mme.? No telling. I just stepped in from a smoke. Mimou was on the porch, in the cold and dark and there’s no sign of the old thing through the window. Tonight’s the “lighting of the tree” across the street. Library closes at 18.00. I wonder: did she go to dinner at her Pam and Dave’s? Wouldn’t put it past her. Just toddle away. No fucking responsibility. No social grace or class. I’ve SO fucking had it with these people. But, I just have to get to the point where I live as I do: solo. I serve my “purpose” here: Taking care of the place in her absence. 300$ a month she’s been saving for the years I’ve watched this place. I owe nothing… so I suppose she owes nothing either. – Oh well… back to business. – 21.46 and 10 more Comment pages to sift through and clean up. Then on to the “prose” pages and perhaps just put them in PDF book format and leave it all at that? I’ll see how much stamina I have. But DA is coming along. – Meanwhile, the “Town Hall Tree” looks pathetic… brighter, in white lights, and pathetic. Typical “here”. And yes, Mme. DID attend the “ceremony”. Didn’t even make an effort to invite. Truth, like shit, floats. She’s sailing right along… along with the rest of them. Maybe I WILL make a point of stopping by the library tomorrow to see what, if any comments are made about my non-participation. (Probably has something to do with being Jewish? I wonder. What-ever.) – And so for now, I’m going to TRY to be asleep before mid-night tonight. It’s been a long, almost non-stop day. TEA TIME!

Sat.2.Dec: 0.30 Bollocks and Bull-shit: Drank the last of the 2 Teas. No sweet nibbles and 2 episodes of “Countdown” and it’s after mid-night… AGAIN! BUT… WTF, eh? It’s Saturday and I hate this place. – 7.20 I just woke, with-out the alarm, from a little dream about being on the phone with the library, asking after a book I’d ordered and one that I thought was over-due. “You’re perfectly in the safe time area. But you wouldn’t understand the library rules, socially.” said the clerk on the phone. “Well, no, but I’ll be right over anyway.” I said, cheerfully, and woke up feeling well-rested and fine… until I got up. Stomach’s “off”. And so is the rest of me. Not “well” this morning. Stomach upset. 4 cold franks and crisps? Or 2 Teas before bed? Either or all, I suppose. But it’s time, and time to get back to the remaining pages I’m working on. Library is open 9-13.00 today. I’ll probably drop by, for a reprieve. Meanwhile, the “Christmas tree” looks like a little girl who’s tried on her Mum’s jewellery, but hasn’t quite figured it all out. Potentially cute… but not quite, really. Typical. Just take the lights and toss. “Vermont-style”: half-assed and horse-shit. Falalala. – Ok.. time to roll… the hag’s in motion in the kitchen. – 7.39 Just went to the loo, saw the truck in the drive, lights on. Did my “do” and when I got out, she’s gone. Note on the kitchen table: had to go to Richford. Jesus-selling today. Left 50$ in cash on the note “for computer protection”. She wants me to buy that “PC Matic”. Yeah? Well, it has t be done on a banque card which means the money has to go into the account which it won’t because (a) today’s Saturday and the banque is closed and (b) I’m not walking up to Bedford for a simple 50$ deposit that will be taken out immediately anyway. So? So… I’ve other things to be done. That’s all going to sit right where it is. Let’s just call it “Happy Holidays” and have done with it. Yeah? – Meanwhile… I’m off to the DA. –

Sat. 2 December 2017 11.02
When I first got to VT, Janice told me:
you might not make it “big” in Vermont but…
You won’t be judged the same way here as you were in NY.

All this re-hashing of those days, and the time that’s followed has been little more than a brutal bashing. Reading of how hopes and dreams have been shattered, thrashed into useless pulp. No, I haven’t made it “big” since being here, and maybe my greatest difficulty is that I’ve been “judging” my-self by the standards of where I’ve come from… New York. MAYBE if I’d just roll along with the shit, the way these “Vermonters” seem to do, I’d find a bit of joy in all of this, knowing that I’m not better, no worse, no different than the rest of them. MAYBE if I’d stop trying to live up to the standards that were set for me through my life-time, I’d be more at peace with my-self. But I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to simply surrender to what, in my heart and soul, are standards so considerably lower than what I’ve known. I do NOT want to “surrender”… although, maybe I should… for the sake of my “being”.

You won’t be judged the way you were.

11.45 Well… the local pages are, pretty much, done. The kitchen here is a mess! No fire in the stove. Just a fucking mess… as usual. But I’ve re-stoked and re-started the fire and I’ve got other things… like another 300-plus pages of “Private” pages from the on-line that I’m HOPING are just the comments and have been documented already. But there’s a LOT of checking to be done. This thing just seems to keep going. I’d swear it’s a living document… growing when I’m not looking. But diddling about doesn’t get it any closer to “clean” so.. . Back I go. (Hey! It’s keeping me busy, out of the house, out of the way, away from arguing with this old thing here and away from the library too, come to think about it. Doesn’t look like I’ll be making it over there today… again. No prob. I just have to check about FOOD for tonight.) – 16.31 And the cow’s come home… as it were. And the TIMING WAS AMAZING! I ONLY JUST FINISHED WASHING MY BOWL, SPOON AND MUG AFTER HAVING A BOWL OF LENTIL SOUP FOR “MEAL”! NOT ONE INDICATION AT ALL. AND THE STOVE FULL OF HOT EMBERS! AND I SHOWERED! At about 15.00 I went out to the back, re-stacked the fire-wood and re-covered it, put a stack in the kitchen (since there was NOTHING and the house was COLD). Yes, indeed… I was JUST having a smoke when the old thing arrived. And as I type, she’s un-loading her truck. I’ve nothing to say or do at this point. But I am SO AMAZED by the TIMING! TO THE SECOND! And I’m comfy again, clean, and there’s wood in the kitchen and so? FUCK THE WORLD! – Now, to wait, I suppose, for something, some kind of bull-shit to come up or along. And, no doubt, it will. But for now? Back to the DA clean-up. – 23.42 ONLY PAGES LEFT ARE THE PROSE!!! I EVEN GOT THE PHOTOS OF … never mind… Prose and the images of the concerts. But I knocked out over 400 pages of “notes”… “Private” pages on the on-line. Pretty damned good! –

Sun.3.Dec: 8.39 Sleep at 3.00. Alarm for 5.00. Here I am, back at the board… key-board. And tired! But excited. Working on the prose… as a pdf book. – 23.56 THE ONLY THING LEFT TO DO ON THE DEAD ARTIST LOCAL IS TO “CLEAN-UP” THE COMMENTS PAGES!!!! IT’S ACTUALLY DONE… PAGES-WISE!!! I’VE WORKED ON IT ALL DAY… WITH THE EXCEPTION OF 2 30-MINUTE NAPS! CLEAN THE COMMENTS AND WORK ON THE PROSE! – And the day is done, and I managed to dodge Mme. as much as possible. HOWEVER, she did give me a copy of this week’s “Messenger” out of St-A: TUESDAY (I KNEW IT!!!) ICE ARRESTED TWO HONDURAN ILLEGALS… WHO WERE “LEARNING ENGLISH” AT… THE LIBRARY!!! *** I KNEW THEY WERE ILLEGALS *** MY GUT TOLD ME AND I WAS RIGHT!!!! AND TO THINK: HAD I NOT HAD THIS LAP-TOP, I WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! HAHAHAHAH! YES, I *AM* DANCING!!! Now, I wonder how I’ll be received over there. I’m SURE they know I hate these illegals. Kathleen knows I’m not fond of “refugees”. (I can’t help but wonder if they think *I* reported the little Honduran bitches… WHAT a laugh!) – And WNBZ is still on the air, playing all sorts of wonderful tunes (Like: “Life In A Northern Town” as I type.) – Well… One minute past midnight. But it was WORTH THE TIME!!!! – I need a smoke! –

Mon.4.Dec: 3.44 DEADARTIST.DE is MINE! I don’t know WHY, but it IS. 10,16CAD (but there’s still just over 100 in the account for now… Note: Mme. mentioned the 50$ for PCMatic. I told her, it has to go into the account before I can use it. “You have to go to Bedford?” she asked. “Yes.” “Well in the meantime, take that and…” Yeah… “and”. It’s still on the table – to the best of my knowledge – and will remain there until… “and…”) OK so there’s the news of this morning and I really need to try for nothing more than a nap. I’ve have a coffee with sugar a while ago to take a naproxyn for my shoulder and hip. Hopefully this will be only a nap. Meanwhile I can’t wait for DEADARTIST.DE to actually come up! (It takes a while to get through. And I wonder if I’ll actually get the .de… since that’s actually Deutschland. But I got “DeadArtist” and not some crap. Oh… the name’s taken on Twtr and Minds already. Oh well.) – So much for all of this… Nap time! – 8.49 Of course it didn’t work as a “nap”. Oh well.. the day commences… any-way. (I’m a touch on the “wasted” side though.) – 20.02 JAMMIES for the first time since Friday. I’ve been sleeping (?) fully clothed these days/nights. Stove stoked. Hallie and Mimou and I had a stroll. I went to the store… V8, 3 chicken patties on rolls and a pint of ice cream for “meal” as I watched all of “The Five”. – DeadArtist is quite running on WordPress… I got ALL of the pages onto the blog. Now for the “clean-up” and the links for pages and photos. DeadArtist.de is running along nicely. (Not that it makes any difference to anybody but me, but it’s been a LONG time coming and now it’s here!) – So, the house heat it back up to 68F and comfy. The room is quite warm and toasty. I have a camomile tea at bed-side. – A little “Countdown”, tea and hopefully to SLEEP! The house is a mess and I don’t give a shit nor a fuck. I’m just hoping for sleep. – OH… Soc.Sec. today… After 3 calls to Wells Fargo, the woman at Soc.Sec. tells me that I have to go into the office… in BTV! BUT… she actually called Wells Fargo her-self! Final decision: The form IS in Baltimore! They have it! They just haven’t gotten round to processing it! So common thought: Wait it out a bit longer. The money is there, as “due”. By the time I get any, it’s going to be about 4 grand… car and flat! Well… I DID think about being here, no expenses to speak of (except smokes) until I had enough (I came here with 2400 and THAT went quickly) and/or until Spring at least. Looks like I’m getting what I’d thought. Fuck me. But it’s there… waiting. And I’m getting used to being in this room alone. So? So… It also gives me time to check towns and areas in NY for moving (IF I LIVE THAT LONG).- Time for rest. My eyes are REALLY bad right now (fatigue no doubt). – 22.45 the end and it’s hot in here!

Tue.5.Dec: 7.15 Stove’s up. Coffee. Smoke. And a morning of a bit of rush. Good that I woke when I did. Not that I wanted to get out of bed but I actually HAD to. Went to sleep last night in a bit of a sweat, turned the radiator off, listening to the furnace running. Woke to a morgue-like chill and a breeze. The door to the white room was OPEN! Can’t, for the life of me, figure how that could have happened. Thinking there must have been one HELL of a wind! Thankfully, it’s about 40F out there and no snow. But how strange is THAT? Eh? Door open. Some of the cardboard (Mme.’s all-time fave heating material… moron) from the porch in the room. Nothing’s gone missing, so it wasn’t robbers. Still… something to keep in mind about that room and that door. But in contrast to last night, this morning was quite chilled! And Mimou yelling at me. First thing in the morning. He bolted for the great out-of-doors as I tried closing the porch door. So the radiator is back on to take the cold out of the little room, the stove is cranking in the kitchen and a “normal” morning commences. Meanwhile, my neck is stiff and sore, my teeth ache a bit this morning, I’m rather well-enough rested from sleep last night but I’d rather be sleeping (of course). Looks to be a decent sort of day ahead. I need to get to the library, return the Bryson book. And there’s still a bit more work to be done on the WP DeadArtist. All’s well. (At least there’s no whining Mme. to be dealt with this morning. THAT’S rather nice, indeed.) – Probably need to haul some wood as well. Alas. –
*** 12.35 *** DeadArtist.de IS COMPLETE!!! *** WHAT WAS BEGUN IN JANUARY, 11 MONTHS AGO, IS NOW, AT LONG LAST, COMPLETE!!! *** DeadArtist HAS A DOMAIN!!! *** DeadArtist IS A BLOG!!! *** DeadArtist IS A CLEAN AND ORDERLY, ALL-INCLUSIVE BLOG AND SITE FROM 1954-THE MOMENT!!! (Still in need of a bit of clean-up though.) *** AND I AM IN SHOCK. *** RELIEVED, BUT IN A BIT OF SHOCK. ***
Next Project? “Salvaged Prose” book, PDF. Already begun and in the works. After that (or simultaneously) is the re-do on all the passwords! I AM a busy little folk. – Eggs on the boil. It’s time for LUNCH! – And the fucking phone has been ringing from since about 8.50 this morning! NO fucking messages… Retards. – – 21.45 Second wash in the dryer. I’m showered and in clean jammies. The room is incredibly warm. Funny how it gets warm at night in here. But no complaints! Beats the alternatives of the past 6 years: freezing half to death. – At about 17.00 I went to the library to return the book I’d only read half. Chatted with Kathleen who made no mention of a week ago. Moron. And then came back at about 17.30 to feed the “folks” and went to the store for… 4 Teas (yes), more chicken patties, rolls, relish. And this after hauling 2 windows’ worth of wood into the kitchen. But as for the rest of the day… I cleaned the DeadArtist on-line and am working on the prose book/section. Got about 60 out of 115 pages broken-down. I’m going to try for “chapters”. But I’ll see how that works when I’m done with the break-down. – And so, the stove is stoked. The loo has no trace of me. The clothes are just in to dry and I’m in PAIN again tonight. Something about “taking care of Nick” that puts that left hip out. So, a naproxyn, a Tea and a bit of work on the prose, some British TV and hopefully a good night’s sleep. I need some of that. Tomorrow? I do believe “she” won’t be back. Something about buying a tree “for the house”… at work. Oh well… Keep her away. Life is better that way.

Wed.6.Dec: 8.04 Stove’s lit. Garbage is out. Breakfast served. I want to go back to sleep after sleeping through 3 alarms. Residual PAIN in the groin this morning. The kitchen is a mess. The house is a mess. And me? I’m going right back to the “prose”. – And in spite of an early start to getting to bed, sleep didn’t happen until after 1.00 this morning. Alas. But here we go, another morning, another day. There’s a nap coming. But not just yet. The brood is out. Oh well. – 22.12 Showered. Eaten well enough, with 3 chicken patties, V8 and all the ice cream after. There are donuts and crisps for Tea. And I’ve got the first PDF draft of “Salvaged Prose”, with the illustrations that I worked on all day today. 6 images, some of Tilden, my Downing Park painting, and a photo of the B116 station I found on-line. Very nice I think. Anyway, there’s more work to be done. I want to put the pieces in some sort of order, visual and such. Tomorrow. – I brought in more fire-wood for the day so as not to need go into the stack in the kitchen. And the stove is stoked for the while. – Thermostat back down to 59-60F and the kitchen is a mess but with-out any evidence of me being in it. Ready for when the cow comes home. – I’m actually quite tired tonight and will hopefully be “out” before mid-night. It’s warm enough right now, in this room. It’s quite cold out there tonight. Let’s hope for “comfort” at the very least. I don’t want to close the door to the room… in case the house gets cold and the little ones want the warmth. Consideration… a truly rare item in this fucking place. – But none of that before bed. I made the error of watching some news this evening. Personal opinion: Rome fell… the U.S. is falling. I never thought I’d see such a thing in my life-time. But, it’s been quite the life-time… and I’m happy it’s almost finished.

Thu.7.Dec: 9.18 I woke. and not willingly, at 8.00, dragged me out of bed, pee’ed, stirred the embers, fed Hallie, checked Mimou, had my coffee, sent everybody out for the morning, re-started the fire in the stove, sat for a 30-minute loo, just had second smoke and now, all is as all should be but MUCH later than… well… what-ever, who cares? And, quite honestly, I could go back to bed. My stomach is churning this morning. Fatigue? Or those 2 donuts I had at about mid-night. Yes, again… By 21.00 last night I was in the shower and soon after, in bed, settled for “Countdown”. And at about 1.45 this morning, was JUST putting the day away. Oh well. – No message from and no idea as to the return of the old thing today. But then, all’s “normal”. I’m not worthy of a message, to be told about such things as “return time”. Not that it makes any difference because she can’t tell time and if she can, she intentionally lies about it anyway. Oh well. – Time to finish the task at hand; Prose. It’s not as if I’ve nothing to occupy time and a day here. Much to catch-up on and re-do and re-build. Why? I don’t really know, other than to make the present time at hand more convenient… FOR ME! For a change. –
21.04 BOOKS ARE ON DEAD ARTIST! ALL OF THEM!!! LOCAL AND SEAGATE!!! “Salvaged Prose”… ALL of the prose I could find, is in “doc” AND PDF on LOCAL(lap-top) AND SEAGATE! BACKED-UP and CLOSED (until such time when I can get in there and “clean” the “Chronologies” up a touch… like 1996 and such). I am relieved! AT LONG FUCKING LAST!!!
Mme. rolled in at about 14.30… THERE’S A BOTTLE OF VITAMIN C AND A CARTON OF SMOKES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE! I WONDER WHY. – She got her new tyres on the truck today. And tomorrow… she’s got another appointment in BTV… one for Hallie: “Spa Day”. She thanked me for having a fire going. And she’s been most civil. I WONDER WHY. – So I came back into the room to FINISH my DeadArtist work and have my 3 “hahd-berld” eggs… “meal”. And now? ON TO THE PASSWORDS which I’m still trying to build the Access data-base for. But the house appears quiet… chilly, but fine. – 22.36 The house is in bed. I am in bed and feeling rather in a state of disbelief that DeadArtist is running! AND I’m getting the data-base together for tomorrow’s project: passwords. (I just need to remember how to get the table to sort. When I think of how, at Chemical, Wall Street, I could slap data-bases together with-out so much as a thought. But then… it’d been a LOT of years. I’ll learn. I’ve got the Internet to refer to now. Didn’t have that back then.) – And now? Crisps (which I believe gave me HORRID RUNS this morning but I’ll see tomorrow) and Tea and “Countdown”! – Confirmed, by the way: Sherry will be here again on the week-end. Oh well… I’ve MORE than enough to keep me away from them. And indeed… I shall. (Back to living like the house nigger. But at least it’s nothing new… and I’ve got projects.)

Fri.8.Dec: 5.20 YES… 5.20. I put the lights out at about 1.20 or so but I’ve just woken up in a drenching sweat. I mean, to the point where I really HAVE to get out of the bed to let things dry. MSG in the crisps? I don’t know WHAT in Hell caused THIS. But, I’m up, having my coffee, just in from a smoke and, well, I’m up. For how long? I don’t know. But my head is “heavy” from fatigue and I’m back to working a bit on the password data-base. Why not? Eh? Might as well put the time to some good use. Thankfully, the house will be empty for some time during the day. Mme. will be in BTV with Hallie for at least 3 hours… I can nap then. I’d already planned to Hoover and shower with that time so… Maybe I’ll have to make a bit of a wash as well. – 21.10 So, she says “I’ll be back about 8:00…” and at NINE she waltzes in. Fine. I’ve showered. The room’s been Hoovered. There’s a FULL stack of wood in the kitchen and the stove’s full. I’ve nothing more to say other than… DeadArtist is done (save the “clean-up”) and so too, a data-base and spread sheet of pass-words! DONE! And all the note papers are in the stove, going up the chimney! DONE! And my mind is drawing blank on the other items that need (should) be done. But there’s a bit of a list. Not to mention… GMBS!!! SO much of THAT to be done… and re-done… and done. BUT… I can say that not only did I catch-up with the work I lost, but I’ve finished it! How wonderful is that? Of course, going over the passwords I found e-mail accounts that don’t exist any longer (I don’t know why) and some accounts that had to be made new. Passwords that don’t work (which means those “accounts” are now dead). And some accounts I’m just going to let die over time (if that actually ever happens). But it was “clean-up” day for all of that bull-shit. Year end… Life end… This shit end. – And now, Sherry’s in the kitchen have her multi-meds, Mme. is setting the sofa-bed up in the living-room. And tomorrow… I’m told… they’ll be decorating the tree that Dave came by and took out of Mme.’s truck and put up in the living-room whilst I worked on my passwords and the likes. Funny, she got some guy “Bradley” to come take away the broken trellises from the garden. He trimmed the roses along the drive too. Ah… as usual.. .she’ll PAY somebody to do that work, won’t ask me to do it, and even if I did, she’d feel NO obligation to “pay” me. Oh well… House Nigger. Like today… toddling off at about 10.45 saying “I’ll be back about 8…”. I should be adjusted to the inconsideration… but I never will be. – Now, for MY inconsideration: “Countdown”. (No snacks tonight. Hopefully I’ll get to market tomorrow and get them and food for a while… Mme. said she’ll be decorating the tree and offered the truck. We shall see. But there’s a Tea… the last. I’ll have that.) – Odd, but at about 18.00 I had all I could do to stay awake. Was showered by 19.00 and ready for bed (in washed jammies and pillow cases). Now? I’m tired but. Oh well. Let’s just hope that I can get to sleep before mid-night tonight… AND NO SWEATS!

Sat.9.Dec: 9.46! I was up at 7,30, feeling well-rested, and “dozed”… into a dream about being on a bicycle, riding round a place very much like Parkchester, casually, en route home. A grey sort of day, but comfortable. There was some kind of race happening and there were others on bikes, but I went round the round-about and headed home, after work. At home, a nice little flat, there was some kind of “straw tube” made of beige grasses, large, filled with cooked rice, and some “spring rolls” of a sort. Left-over from a “do”. Dennis (Pearl) had just gotten married or something, and it was what they’d had at the reception dinner. Delicious, and as I ate I thought “Exotic food. They’re really quite something, those two. Good match.” And the food was delicious. I’d finished the 4 rolls and was enjoying the rice when I woke. – No, not hungry. I can’t think of why I’d dream of food. But I woke quietly, thinking it was still only about 8.00. Best news: NO SWEATS! Still, I can’t imagine that I slept so deeply and soundly until this late. Not that there’s anything pressing to be done. – And so, now, at 10.03, I’ve pee’ed (bottle), dressed, had coffee and smoke. It’s a comfortably cool day, grey and the house is quite calm (thus far). I’ve no intention of leaving the room (other than to hit the loo at some point). So we shall see how the day goes along. At some point I’ll need to get something to eat, of course, though there’s a tin of lentils in the larder box. We’ll see what happens as the day rolls along. – Sherry is here. She was her usual, genteel self last night. Shook my hand when I went out to greet them. Charming. And I keep thinking of what she’d said last time she was here: “It’s nice of you to let him live here.” Nice… indeed. Well, Fate and Karma… time will move along. So too, shall I. – 17.00 on the mark. Got hornswaggled into helping with the fucking tree. Climbing on a ladder to hook the fucking angel to the fucking ceiling. But done. Then, at abotu 14.30, grabbed the key to the truck and headed, zooming along, to the market where I managed to get their only 3 jars of coffee (5 in the box now), and 3 pkgs. of franks for me, one for Hallie. I have (had) 6 days of franks (had one day, 4 franks, just now… and indigestion), box of tea, 4 tins of lentils and a tin of some other kind of Progresso soup (tomorrow night’s meal). Oatmeal and sugar. Cold breakfast cereal and 2 boxes of PopTarts. I ALSO GOT A LARGE BOTTLE OF VODKA! (Which I can have with the 2 bottles of V8 I got at the market.) And a box of light bulbs… “halogen” now. Incandescents are NOT to be see in the U.S. I suppose. More “Canada” shopping… light bulbs. This fucking country and its “fads”. – Anyway… it took me AN HOUR! I honestly don’t know where time goes any more these days. So I zZOOMED back, left the truck running to come in and find the 2 of them in their jackets, ready to roll. Well! Mme. fucked the lights up, plugging all sorts of ways and such and then tells me that *I* should figure it out! There was an “outlet” at the end of them all. She’d gone to the store here for a useless extension cord and some sort of gadget add-on to “extend” the outlet on the string. So I tried… only to find that the tree has to be re-strung. I’m NOT going to be so bothered. She’s got time. Or, she’ll have to find the time now. AND somebody put the balls on the tree the wrong way. One dropped and broke. So what do I discover when looking for a broom? SHE BOUGHT ANOTHER DUST PAN (I found the other 2 in the pantry closet in the kitchen… stupid arse, that one) AND ANOTHER BROOM (she now has THREE!). Next time I hear her whine about money I’ll puke. So, I come in, leaving the truck running and facing out the drive, they drive off. I un-pack my 4 bags of groceries, put the vodka by the door, franks in the “fridge box” on the porch and… decided that I needed to EAT! 4 franks in the nuker… tartar sauce and ketchup, 2 of the 4 Portuguese rolls I got today and there… MEAL! Done! My insides are still buzzing from the non-stop moving along. – Meanwhile… when she comes back, there’s an extension cord I found here, in the house, at the ready. The lamp in the living-room doesn’t work properly. There’s a short in it and that’s why the other light bulb didn’t work. But… there’s a tree that needs re-stringing. She’ll have to take the ornaments off, re-string. I’m not doing that shit. (I keep thinking: She’s saving the 300$/month on Hallie’s kennel. It’s my payment for “living here”… even though she’s “nice” for “letting” me do so.) – 70$ on the FS card remains for the month but there’s about 10 “meals” in the box. 10 days of eating. Takes me to mid-month. Oh… the vodka? The 50$ she gave me for the computer anti-virus. She can wait. I can think of a reason for not having it (misplaced?). – I could use a nap now. Hopefully they’ll stay away long enough. – And the Twats are at it again. Of course… the truck’s not here. They STOMP! Fucking in-bred trailer trash. Thankfully it’s not as bad in this room as it is in the rest of the house. No doubt, it’ll stop when the truck returns. Fucking shit-bags. – 21.57 Sat with Mme. for TWO drinks… Seagrams and ginger. And we chatted. It was, admittedly, quite nice. Although I did get hornswaggled into re-stringing the lights. But, the tree looks nice and she’s been thankful. – In bed. House quiet. Day… DONE! –

more tomorrow. Countdown now. 2 drinks and I’m “fine”.

Sun.10.Dec: 22.03 Sherry’s gone back. Mme.’s gone to bed and I’ve got nothing to say about or for this entire day other than I was invited for a drink as Mme. ate this evening. “Accomplishments”? None. “Did”? Nothing. Seriously. Nothing. Tapped on the lap-top and don’t remember what for. Napped a couple of times. Mme. took Sherry out at abut 13.00 or so and returned along at about 16.30. I stayed in the room for the day. And again… what have I to say about today? Nothing. Oh, it did snow most of the morning. But nothing to be said about that. Stopped by afternoon and most is gone already again. – And now I’m looking forward to getting back into bed, perhaps with a v-ton… to be decided. Maybe just a tonic for tonight and the v for when I have the liberty to enjoy. – Chilly and cold. Cool in the room even with the radiator cranking. – I’ve had it with news and social media. Can’t take the stupidity of people any more. So… winding down on my life. – Pondered the Soc.Sec. payments IF I ever get ANY. As of this month, 3 grand. Rent at 700 will leave me with 1600 which means no car. If I put 2500 into a car that leaves me with 500 and no flat. Pisses me off too. Of course, I’ll probably HAVE to get my arse back to NY ONLY to be sure not to die in this shit-hole and that will be all of it… the Soc.Sec. will be fucked… as I’d figured in the first place. But… either way, warm weather first… or perhaps the “January thaw”… we shall… – Time to wrap this shit up. – “Countdown” time.

Mon.11.Dec: 7.46 on another “Northern Morn”, grey, crisp, the air in motion only just enough to carry the chill across the face and neck. A slight cover of snow all round. Leafless trees and evergreens about. Another shit-hole morn, the stomping of heavy feet on old wooden stairs to greet the dawn. Peeing in a bottle, room-temperature coffee, and a cigarette at the porch window. Already, a meeting of Mrs. Twat as she returned, in the car, from some-where, and Mme. letting the dog and cat out. “I don’t know if you want company but…” says she, as she lets the critters out and quickly closes the kitchen door behind her as she ducks back in. And another shit-hole morn, with first thoughts of Soc.Sec. and the thoughts of Ricardo Miranda’s voice-mail message of 6 months ago: “Everything is OK now.” No, it wasn’t then, isn’t now and you’ve caused me more trouble because you simply shoved the matter that you’re being paid to attend off your desk. Thank you. I’m almost 3 months behind in payments that I’m more than entitled to be receiving. I’ve paid into this account all my life. There’s talk of increased taxes to support a government that wastes limitless funds provided by the working class of this nation, on frivolities, a government that’s already taken from the general fund of Soc.Sec. funds provided by working citizens to pay holiday jaunts, medical expenses, and God-only knows what other personal expenditures. Well, I can take solace in the fact that, when I first applied to receive the money due me, I said that I doubted I’d ever see any of it, for some reason… and, thus far, I’m proved correct. I know things. I’ve not been proved “stupid” in any way. I “know” things. I’m still quite brilliant that way. And it’s another “Common” morn… for me: annoyed, aggravated, pissed off and shat on. Well? Well. Time for distractions, something to occupy conscious hours so as not to focus on the general ignorance, stupidity, the uselessness of those rewarded for their utter retardation at the expense of those who toil and who have toiled hard. As Ms. Liz once said: “For ever dollar you pay him for service, you receive at least two dollars in effort.” In the general scheme, admirable. In fact, generally ridiculous. But I’ve done, can’t un-do, and time moves forward. So too, do I. – Another morn. – 22.03 Well.. ANOTHER HOUR WITH SOC.SEC. ON THE PHONE FOR REALLY… NOTHING. BUT KENNETH WAS AS WONDERFUL AS COULD BE. OFFERED THE “CARD” BUT I THOUGHT “NO, I WANT THE MONEY IN THE ACCOUNT AS IT SHOULD BE.” SO I DECLINED. BUT SPENT ANOTHER 3 HOURS ON-LINE COMPILING DATA FROM THE SOC.SEC. SITE AND WELLS FARGO AND CIBC! THEN… I POSTED A REPLY TO THE SOC.SEC. RESPONSE TO MY TWEET (ON JK). THEIR DATA-BASE IS ABOUT 9 YEARS OLD! THE ROUTING NNUMBER IS FINE! THEIR DATA-BANK IS INCORRECT! I HAVE YET TO INFORM THEM ACCORDINGLY. BUT I FEAR I’M LOOKING AT A TRIP INTO BTV… IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE! AH, BUT I INCLUDED AN ADDRESS TO THE PRES. IN MY LAST TWEET. LET’S SEE HOW THAT WORKS OUT. Meanwhile, sanity comes in thinking that it’ all equity and that receiving a large lump sum will be of great aid to moving. Money for a truck in which to move to a flat or place with a back-up rent in savings and money for essentials, furnishing and cook-ware. The more, the better. That’s my sanity. – Meanwhile, Mme. was out of here at about 15.30, not a word. Just disappeared. Fuck me. I’m non-existent. Fine. No prob. – I got my dinner of franks and V8. The pets got dinner. I let them both out at 19.00 when Ms. Hallie woke me from a nap. 21.43Sweet-heart. When she came in, I put salve on her foot. Tomorrow I’ll be more careful to make sure she has it on before she goes out. – (22.09. Mr. Mimou has come into the room and into his little bed. Sweet-heart that he is.) – I had a v-ton and watched some news earlier. Then SHOWERED! And am now having a light one with “Countdown” and then? Hopefully to a full night’s restful sleep. – Have had horrid runs this evening too. I wonder why. Painful, actually. Nerves, little doubt. But cleansing, I should think. – Tomorrow? More wood-hauling from out-side. There’s a storm heading this way, so says Météo. They said we’d have snow this morning and that never happened. We shall see. It would be nice. And the wood-hauling? Well… it’ll just about clean the back yard wood stack. Nothing but the garage left. 3 cords… Oh well. She got fucked. Her trouble. Not mine. – Time to wrap this day. I’m exhausted… as usual. All mental and spiritual. – Holidays coming. Let them roll by. I don’t give a fuck. –

Tue.12.Dec: 10.10 Up at 8.00… morning coffee, salve on Hallie’s foot, serve breakfast, re-start the wood-stove, bring out the recycling (mostly for “show”), a window FULL of fire-wood into the kitchen, stoke the stove, loo. And just NOW getting to sit a bit after morning loo. It’s been a non-stop 2 hours already. Quite the morn! – And again, this light-snowy morning, the “usual” Soc.Sec. concerns, the “You’re nice to let him live here.” and such. a “typical” morning. – A thought crossed my mind last night though: If Dorothy’s DNA shows 83 per-cent English lineage, it comes from Aunt Sis. That would mean that I’ve got a LOT of “English” in the blood-line and being in “New England”, I’m more a “New Englander” than most of the idiots around here… since most of them are Irish or French. Hmmm… Rather fascinating, that. Not to mention… “Canadian”, which was predominantly English, save Québec, and a spattering of Scottish. Anyway, it was a passing thought. – And now? “Stuff”. That’s about it. “Stuff” for the rest of the day. It was a mere 6 hours of sleep this morning. No doubt, naps will be spattered about the day today. But for now… “Stuff”. – 21.43 IN BED AT LAST! Showered. Brought all the wood in from the back yard today. Worked a bit more on the photos of the Bainbridge Garden wall. Taken with that little flip-phone, (Virgin Mobile) and entirely too small. Out of focus. Shame, really. All that work. I remember getting the “contract”… “Trust For Public Land”, a “Federal” job, really. Paid rather well. But doing it all very much alone. Mixing cement with my bare hands and applying it the same way. Rolling and lifting and placing those cinder blocks and stones, alone. 2006 I believe it was. But when I went back that day, when the Shelter sent us all from 30th Street to “Park Avenue” (I think it was), because of “evacuation”, some hurricane or some such nonsense, the wall was still there, quite sturdy. I’d done good work. That was, I believe, 5 years later. Got screwed that Summer I’d built the fucking wall. Linda Rubo. Paid the material and none of the labour then whined in the court in front of that bitch “Mediator”. Well, I’ve learnt… all these years later: don’t bother, you’re only going to be fucked in the end and it won’t be pleasant. Anyway, at least I have SOME photo evidence of good work. – Took 2 breaks during the day, to bring fire-wood into the house. First time was because, well, *I* needed it. “A window’s worth” re-stacked the kitchen with a bit over for me to use. And then, looking at the bit that was left from the last cord delivered, the one Mme. and her chummette “stacked” (more like “threw”), I figured I might get that in as well, since it was snowing (albeit, lightly) all day. Well, all that was left was another “window”, just past half-up, so I’ve kept the smaller bits and tossed the larger pieces into the garage. Then, since Mme.’s already gotten into the wood in the garage, 2 cords that took me until 23.30 that night to stack properly, moved wood from one side of the garage to just by the kitchen-garage door. Very convenient for the old cow. At the rate she’s going through it all, those 2 cords out there and the bit I’ve added probably won’t bring her through February. She’s got NO sense of anything. Uses the fucking wood because she doesn’t stack it, just keeps taking… taking… taking. I have to remember always, how she said she’d told poor Cecil, as he lay dying, eaten alive by cancer: “You’re leaving me alone to freeze to death in this house.” Selfish qunt. Well, you nasty old thing, somebody else has, again, done your work… and you can toddle off talking shit about the “worker”… yet again. I notice how her “friends” (Pam, Dave, Jes, Kerry, and parties) haven’t so much as come round to check on her. Yes, Dave’s been by… to bring her tree into the living-room. But she’s managed to “buy” that “Bradley” fellow to clean up her mess in the garden, and Rick, to fuck things up more about the house. I mean, really, the hall work was never done properly, the doors are shifting even now, and even Dickie said that Rick and André have never done a proper job of anything they’ve touched. But… she’ll toss the cash at them… not me… because THEY’re her compadres and I’m a “Flatlander”. Hey! Not a prob. old thing. Fuck your money and shove it up their arses. And you get what you deserve… retard. – Moving along anyway here. I’ve no doubt that she’ll notice that all the wood’s gone from the yard and have a panic. Won’t bother to check the garage nor to ask before spinning about in frenzy over all the wood being “gone”. And of course, when she sees that the stack in the garage is higher, THAT won’t matter at all. At least I know, in advance of the bull-shit to come. And I’ve already documented it. Dumbarse. – So… at sun-down, Chanukah commences… YUGE FUCKING DEAL. And this is how it begins. – Back to the computer. Back to the photos. Back to other times. It was a lot of hard work on that wall in that garden. But it paid well, offered wonderful respite from the time, AND… when done… was appreciated. I have that… I have… THEN. – 23.50 – Lights out! 2 episodes of “Countdown” and one of “Never Mind The Buzzcocks”. Always rather wondered what that was like. Yeah, well… Now I’ve seen. Not something to make a habit of. 2 beverages. Some crisps and PopTarts. Will probably pay for this tomorrow… if not during the night. Horrid combo: v-ton, crisps, PopTarts. But I had pasta and lentils, ice cream after for “meal”. Healthy? Hardly. But better than the regular un-cooked franks, I might suppose. Another day… gone by.

Wed.13.Dec: 6.02 If I ever woke one morning, with no pain, I’d know I’d died in my sleep. – CRAMPS woke me at about 5.30 or so, and it was off to the loo. Then, to the kitchen to re-start the wood-stove. Back to the loo. Then coffee and a smoke. Watching somebody plowing the snow from the post office I thought of how much they, these “people” resent work ethics, and how, since I’ve stopped cleaning this house, “life” round here seems better, more at ease. I remember getting to work at Walker Valley and Cragsmoor, early enough to shovel the parking areas in front of the post office. It was part of my responsibility and I didn’t mind it in the least. But here, I did the same thing and got chastised for it, even written-up for “being on postal property before authorised”, not being “on the clock”. Better to be lazy, sit about, let somebody else do the work… if they ever got around to doing it. They HATE people with ambition, HATE people with work ethic, just HATE. What a lovely way to begin an other-wise beautiful Winter morning, dark, crisp, and the ground covered in fresh snow. Delightful. – Well, I was working on the photos of the wall in the Bainbridge Garden yesterday. I can’t get them “crisp”, but I did what I could and now I can toss them into DeadArtist, since that’s where they belong anyway. And now, I’ve got more time, being up and about this early. There’s the new book I want to (and should) work on today. And to find a way to get some documentation to the Soc.Sec. office, proving the routing number to be correct. There are “things” to be done with the time… “do”… that horrid activity, source of such hate and contention here amongst the sloths. And as I type I hear Hallie barking… at the fucking person plowing across the road. She doesn’t bark at people coming into the house, strangers and the likes. But she’ll bark at people out-side, across the road. Typical. – It’s like being in a bucket of maggots, this. – 7.37 The garbage is out. First of 2 loads of wash, in. Back steps and walk cleared of snow. Dressed, of course. Animals, fed. And stomach still in a bind after 3 trips to the loo. AND… of course, indeed… the Twats stirring above. Another day… in full swing. Fuck. – 21.33 SHOWERED. IN BED. HOUSE LIGHTS OUT. STOVE STOKED TO CAPACITY. (Thermostat down to 60F.) All’s back to where it was on Monday. And the wash, my clothes, is on the rinse. BEARD TRIMMED TOO. Teeth brushed. Delightful. And it’s rather bitter out there tonight. But, the radiator is cranking in the room, in case the little ones need warmth during the night. – Hallie got 2 treatments to the foot today and has been doing well, except out in the snow. The cold, I imagine, hurts. Poor little critter. – My mind is running a bit amok tonight. Earlier this evening, a telephone message: “Call your attorney.” Peter. I wonder. I put nothing over or beyond this old woman. An attempt to toss me? In December? January? February? Winter? I’d actually enjoy a stint in the courts. Subpoena her kids, the ones who want her to give up the house and such and go live in a home. And now that she’s got her 100k I’m rather sure she could find a nice one. No doubt she’d have to give Hallie and Mimou to some-one else. No doubt it wouldn’t phase her any more or less than it did Bobo with Cubby, Shadow, Elllie and Dixie. These “people” are that way. But, I have to wonder… and be prepared. As Darlene put it “She’s not all right.” Oh well… It’s another matter of “time”. I just want my money and to find a good place, back on the home turf… and I want it NOW… yesterday… October when I should have gotten it. Meanwhile? We’ve nothing to do but wait. Ah, how this shit-hole mimics the Fed. It’s almost funny. (Sadly, this place is worse. There are fewer ethics here than in the capital.) – So I finished the tin of lentils and there’s one more serving of pasta in the “larder box”. At all the ice cream. Finished my egg-nog. Containers gone. I’ve eaten “well enough” these past few nights. Hopefully no cramps in the morning and running to the toilet every 30 minutes again. – Meanwhile, I don’t believe it’s a v-ton night tonight. I’m not even in the mood to nosh. But an episode of “Countdown” whilst the clothes dry and to bed… perchance to sleep. Tomorrow the stress level rises again. Alas. – Fuck. – OH! THE BAINBRIDGE PAGE IS ON-LINE! ALL THE PHOTOS ON DeadArtist.de. I’m quite happy about that. AND, on the local copy as well. A good day in that respect. I might put the E. Fairfield photos on some-where as well… although they probably should be on LoupNordique. (And I’m pondering linking that into DeadArtist… along with the other blogs… But… we shall see. – Dryer time!

Thu.14.Dec: 8.47 Two “Countdown”, nothing more than a mug of tonic, bag of crisps and 2 PopTarts and by shortly after mid-night, lights out. Dozed after the 7.00 alarm. Up shortly after the 8.00 alarm. The day is “rolling” along with the stove re-start and coffee, smoke, animals out and me looking as if I’d been on a binge all night. Indeed, looking like shit just slightly warmed-over. And attitude toward this clear, sunny morning? Total shit. – But the little Richford Christmas cactus has a little bud on it. I wonder how that managed to happen, what, with this place and such. I wonder if it’s a sign of “Hey! Relax.” or “Best get your shit together because you’re about to be on the move again.” I seriously doubt it means “Your affairs are about to be settled as they should be.” – Another day. “Stuff” to do. “Stuff”. – 9.30 I was in the carsie, getting rid of mystery stuff when I heard “Is anybody home?” 5 minutes ago. And, she’s off to taking Hallie to the vet for her front, right paw. Oh well… a few moments more of reprive. (And there’s a little box on the kitchen table… blue, with Magen David on it. Hmmm…. I wonder.) – Oh well… on with the day. Thankfully, all was “attended” this morning. Lettuce prey. – My bowels are still in knots though. Well, of course they are. I’m still “here”. – 22.11 and the end of a really nothing sort of bitter cold day. – Note? Maryrose went with Mme. to St. Benoit today. They got back at about 19.00 and I got to speak with Maryrose out-side for a bit. Says she, Mme. truly appreciates all that I do around the house. I have to admit, if negatives were said, I’m rather certain Maryrose would say. So… I’ll be thinking on this. – Meanwhile, rye and ginger and cheese this evening. I had only the tiniest bits of cheese, of course. – “Meal”? My franks and bread and V8 froze on the porch so I had to wait for them all to thaw. 2 franks on rolls… “meal”. All day. Oh well… I got a lot of calories in Monday-Wednesday. – Tired. Time for a something to break the day. Trying to keep the room warm tonight. The door gasket on the stove needs replacing. The wood’s burning away. But the heat in the chimney is lovely at my back, in bed. The radiator can be put back to “normal” tonight though. – Pondering a v-ton, having my PopTarts.

Fri.15.Dec: 7.26 Woke and up at 7.07, pee’ed in the bottle, got dressed, re-started the stove, and have had my smoke. The house is still calm. Greeted by Mimou who’d rather obviously just come from the litter-box. – Had that v-ton last night. And by just past mid-night, lights out. – Nice morning out there. Clear and crisp. This morning’s thought: in a week from today, the days become longer again, by the minute. They don’t get warmer by the degree though. But… It seems the days are passing MUCH quicker lately. They say it happens, the older we get. Indeed, it does. – (A stirring in the hall. I should be in the loo for the morning movement, but I didn’t want to be occupying when Mme. woke and so, I’m not. Good timing, this.) – And so, yet another day commences. I should work on the book… a book. I should work on something. I should “do” something. I’d like to go back to bed and let this day go by. I often wonder why I don’t. I’m rather painful this morning. Clenching jaw, tight chest. It’s depression, really. I’m aware of that. Ah well… let’s see what happens with this time here. This day too… shall pass. – 24.17 ALL DAY… working on 5 adverts for Bitter-Sweet Bitterness, Journal Days, Salvaged Prose, Death of a Zionist and Lembrook. ALL DAY! But at last… DONE! Now, to get them all posted to the soc.med.! That, and I want to start posting quotes: Bukowski, Woolf, Kafka, Salinger. Cunningham. I just started to grab sources f some pages on-line but they’re not working-out too well. OK. It should NEVER be “easy”. But… we continue. And tomorrow (today?), Saturday… I suppose I have time to begin with something or another. Maybe the week-end will be better to post, since some people won’t be working. – Anyway, I ate the last 2 franks on rolls at about 15.00 today. Not the best idea because at about 18.00 I had to have my breakfast cereal with creamer. And now? I’m hungry and the franks on the porch in the “fridge box” are frozen solid. Alas and oh well for that. I’ve been toying with the idea of having a v-ton tonight. I don’t know yet. But what I do know is that I’ve made it through another day of no arguing and bull-shit. – Getting chilly in this room now. But the temperature rose from -15 this morning to plus 7 or so. Odd how even 7 can feel “warm” after -15. – Other than that, it’s been quiet in the room. I had about 3 or 4 “visits” with Mme. All went well enough. Tomorrow she’ll be going off to church. I’ll have about an hour to m’self! EAT! FOOD! Indeed. – Anyway… it’s a HELL of a lot later than I thought. Last time I looked at the clock it was only just going for 22.00! Time… it just runs away.

Sat.16.Dec: 2.20 and a v-ton. Should be an interesting wake-up in a bit… Yeah? Fuck. – How about 9-bloody-30-fucking-9 in the morning? Not that I’ve got anything particularly pressing to address… it being “Shabbat” and all (as well as Chanukah). But there’s also the bit about not eating well yesterday and the v-ton and PopTarts before sleep. Oh well. Time for a smoke. I see it’s snowed whilst I dozed and ’tis snowing e’en now. Delightful. (Hopefully it won’t keep Revmo (reverend muthuh) from her ecclesiastical chores this evening. I could use a bit of cooked food and such. – 24.33 done. (On Sunday morning, 9.00) All day I worked on the book adverts and managed to get 7 out of 17 posted. Imagine, 17 soc.med. accounts. And that’s not even all of them. 10 more to go. 17. I wonder if anything will come of all of this work. Only one way to find out. Although I did get over to the library and post the 5 books to fesses-book as well and to chat with Linda there, about computers and to let her know that they shouldn’t consider Dell products. Came back to the room to post the rest. – This evening, on invitation, had a burger and potato with Mme. and a drink, looked at a bit of “news” on the tele and came right back to the room. – Yes, I managed to “fill a day”. – By 21.00 I was in bed, “Countdown” and a promise of not more than 2 episodes which became 3 and a v-ton. And so, yet another late night. Alas. Oh well. It’s done. – One note: Franklin Tel. keeps knocking me off the Internet, intermittently. Working along and suddenly see that nothing is posting. The fucks. But ’tis to be expected, one supposes. Hokey bull-shit, this place.

Sun.17.Dec: 8.56. Well, at least it’s not 9.56… I suppose. Yes, my lazy arse is JUST up and out of bed and wants so very much to go right back to sleep. Oh well. It was a full day, as full days go, yesterday. And in spite of getting into bed by 21.00… But I’ve had m’coffee, jar pee and smoke in the chilly morning. And there are “things”, like the book adverts, to get to already. So? On with the day. Mme. is in the loo. Church day today. A few hours of silence and no threats. We thank for that which we get. – 22.09 Some changes to DeadArtist today! I found 1996-1999 information! Yes, it was a diversion from posting the adverts about the books, but right now, it feels SO much better to have those years showing more than “I dunno”. That’s not how it read but… Still, 1996 is, for some reason, a complete BLANK! I can’t think of ANYTHING for the entire year! Music? Yes. “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”, Deep Blue. It plays on WNBZ and I remember the lyrics and all, but I CANNOT THINK OF ONE PARITUCULAR for the ENTIRE YEAR! I wonder why. Something must have happened that year that my brain has completely wiped away. Still, it’s nice having the little bit of information there. I even went over old driver’s licenses AND I still have my Dutchess College ID from September 1990 when I began all of my Psych classes. Imagine THAT! AND I found the Vermont Atlas that I’ve been wondering about all Summer. It’s been in the back-pack where I’d put it. Funny, I’d looked in there for it (to find the “safest” way to get to NY) and didn’t see it. Oh well. I’ve found it. Library cards and such too. I might scan them and put them on the DA site. Something more to “do”. – So, that said, I was invited to have the left-over spaghetti tonight. I declined. I was invited to a drink. I declined. I had 2 bowls of breakfast cereal with creamer instead. Not nearly enough, but it’s dulled the hunger, served the purpose. – And now? As the clock reads 22.22, perhaps a post of adverts and then… to bed! Tomorrow is Monday… Mme. will be out at day’s end. Time… Another day is gone. – 23.30 All adverts posted at last! And WOW! Have I ever got some work to do on the Minds accounts! Folks is subscribing! I’ve got keep-up work to get done! Thankfully, I’ve also got a few days of peace and solitude in which to do that. – Now? V-ton and Countdown time… no munchies. I failed to take advantage of Mme’s time at church. STOOOOPID! – PS: It’s gone chilly in here.

Mon.18.Dec: 9.14 I feel like… SHITE! And I want to go back to sleep. Not enough to eat yesterday. drink before going to sleep. 2 episodes of “Countdown”. And getting under the covers at 2.30 this morning. Gee. Does one suppose? But at least it’s another “Winter” morning. Grey. Bits of flocons falling from the sky. But not at all “too” cold out there. That’s nice. And Mme. at the “dining” table, still writing holiday cards. And me, here, in from a smoke. Yet another day commences. Another day to stuff with stuff until it’s time to bid it “farewell”. Alas. Bonjour… indeed. – 16.49 And… the house turns over. She left about 10 minutes ago. The place is a mess. 2 pieces of wood for the stove. The stove is packed with paper ash. Well? I need to go get something to eat. It’s still snowing but… – Spent most of the day on Minds. It’s nice to have multiple accounts. It’s difficult to keep up with them. But, today was dedicated to DeadArtist. Nice people. Much art. – I need to get moving here. – 22.52 Light showered and finally in the bed! – It wasn’t 20 minutes after she’d left, I was on the ROLL! Washed (re-washed) the dishes and skillets, cleaned the counter-top and quick-swept the kitchen floor. Then, off to the store for a pound of chuck, crisps, rolls, cookies, half’n’half, eggs, a tonic, jar of turkey gravy and back to make the rest of the pasta, with half of the chuck and half the gravy. Quite filling. Oh, I got one of those “glazed pastries” I used to get 2/1$ (and which are considerably more expensive here… bollocks). I had the pastry for dessert. – Next… clean the paper ash from the wood-stove, haul in and stack the coming week’s fire-wood and some for “us” the next couple of days, re-sweep the floor, thaw the mop and wash the kitchen floor. Oh, and yes, at 17.00, feed Hallie. – Hallie and Mimou went out for about 45 minutes whilst I stacked wood and washed the floor. At 20.30 she had her meds. At about 21.00 I was JUST finished cleaning my dishes and putting everything where it should be. I collapsed in the recliner for about 45 minutes. or so. – I’m exhausted but the place is Hoovered (the little room too) and clean. Well, as clean as it will be. – Note for the day: Mme. is on some kind of union warning. I only got to glance at a complaint she’d printed, but it seems she took her own decision to administer some improper meds at work and got caught. The allegation is that she’d been verbally warned and failed to heed. AH-HAH! I told her as much LAST Summer. She doesn’t listen, won’t listen and what she hears is only what she CHOOSES to hear. I told her they’d get tired of her and her “Princess” attitude at work one day. And so it comes to pass. She’s in shit and they want her OUT. Alas. I’m not the brightest human being ever conceived, but as Peter told me many years ago, I’ve a magnificent instinct about things. Well, we shall see where this goes. She’s banging it out with the union. – Other-wise, as I say, I’m showered. Tomorrow I’ll make the washes. I wonder if Mme. will be on for her full schedule now. – Got caught up with a Minds account today. DeadArtist. Opened correspondences, found many to “subscribe” to, up-dated my “bio”. Very nice. – Spent some time watching some Susie Dent videos on the history of “bollocks”, “bloody”, “fuck” and “shit”. Cute. – And so, winding down. I had a light rye and tonic earlier. Pondering a v-ton at the moment. Not really in the mood but it’s still snowing lightly and not as brisk as it’s been the past couple of days. Snow in the forecast. It would be nice to be able to simply sleep until… tomorrow but the little ones need to get out in the morning and Hallie needs meds at 8.00. I can handle that. I can even put the wash in and nap. We shall see. Right now, at least an episode of “Countdown” I should think. – Note: My vision is shitty and the resolution on this screen sucks the life out of my eyes. I’m getting old. – OH YES! Received an e-mail from Dorothy. Seems the uncle who slipped off the barge was an uncle Louis, husband of aunt Josephine. Uncle Wasn’t uncle Don at all. Imagine… after all these years. Dorothy says she stepped on some glass, landed in hospital and is having some difficulties. Diabetes, I shouldn’t doubt. It’s “familial” and I probably have it too. But, the less I know the better I am. My back’s bad enough. – Off to the show! This day is DONE.

Tue.19.Dec: 9.54 The morning routine is done. I don’t know why I woke at about 8.00 but I did, I have done. It was a horrid night, up at 3.00 this morning, with tremendous leg cramps. But, hit the pillow again and went right out. Woke to a tickle in the throat, dried blood when I blew my nose. THAT’S probably because of the heat in the room. BUT, I’m NOT complaining! – And now, this morning, with stove going, loo visits, coffee, breakfast served, wash in the machine (pre-treating soaking), and still in my rancid jammies (from the sweat… OH! the stench in the sweat!), this rainy day commences. Yes, rain. Not snow. The temperature is up to zero this morning and it’s rain in the forecast. – Pondering a note to the American Banking Association re: Soc.Sec. This is annoying me now. But then, the next payment is due on the 27th. I see the “new year” coming in with me on a bus to BTV. The thought, this morning: were I paying for minutes on my phone, I’d be starving to death right now with the HOURS I’ve spent on the wire with these idiots. Fact is: they don’t give a shit. Nobody gives a shit. Maybe Mme. could get a job working for these agencies… Soc.Sec., APS, etc. – Well… It’s all about “me” and what *I* want to “accomplish” with time. – And so, as always of late, yes, another day commences. – 15.36 and up from a 90-minute “nap”. The day slips by and nothing done, really. Oh well. No sense mourning and regretting time passed. It will never come back. And I could, actually, go right back to sleep, not so much because of “fatigue” so much as “depression”. I’m not noticeably depressed, but I know it’s depression, none-the-less. – 18.20 Dinner. Done. Dishes. Done. Stove. Done. Smoke. Done. Done. Day? Done. Accomplishments? None. Tired? Oh yeah. But… Done. – 21.54 Showered. In bed. No washing tonight. Tomorrow. Lights out in the house. Fire in the stove. Snow melting out-side. Very light v-ton at bed-side and… “Countdown” and then… TO SLEEP I HOPE!

Wed.20.Dec: 11.58 Ms. Hallie woke me this morning at just before 8.00… “Mngngngn” and loppy-lip-licking. Poor little creature had to PEE! So, in spite of wanting to stay the couple of minutes in bed, until the alarm sounded, I was up, into the kitchen and out to the porch. Door open and Ms. H. and Mr. M. went flying! Yep indeed, Ms. Hallie NEEDED to PEE! Whilst they “attended” their morning needs, I toddled to my “needs” in the loo, then to my coffee (and an added potassium because I’d taken 2 yesterday morning and 1 before bed last night and had a pain-free night of good sleep), tossed the embers in the stove, prepared Ms. H’s breakfast and meds and she returned to eat… Mr. M. stayed out for a bit longer. Next, on to stoking and re-starting the wood-stove and taking the garbage out to the curb. OK… let Mr. M. in and put my jammies and pillow-cases into the wash because last night as I watched “Countdown”, a choco-chip dropped on my sleep-t and so, ALL got re-washed this morning. Out to the garage for larger bits of fire-wood and to move wood from the wall to the stairs for easier access for Mme. to grab and waste when she returns. Then it was time for soc.med. and a check of e-mails to see if there were any messages from Soc.Sec. (not that I expected any but better to check and be sure). Nothing from Soc.Sec. so there’s another post to POTUS and Soc.Sec. on the Twtr. Well… it was time for second loo, wash into the dryer… a bit more soc.med. – Noticed an incorrect link on “ADKChamplain”: the wood link went to garden and decor! That’s corrected. Second coffee. And now? Wash done, fire burning, soc.med. (e-mails incl.) done, and I’m ready for a nap… to compensate for the time I didn’t get this morning. Noon! (12.18 actually.) This morning is gone and the day’s fucked already and I’ve gotten nothing of any importance done. – BUT… last night I didn’t use the radiator. With the thermostat up to 68F it was quite comfy in the house. Sadly, it will go back down to 58F this evening, just when it’s needed most. But the radiator will go back on too so… NO chills or such. – I need to get a few items from the store today and there’s only 24$ on the card. Hmmm… we shall see. I’ve got 1 night’s burger meat left and some eggs. We shall see how that all works out. – Meanwhile, I’m going for a nap! Hopefully I’ll wake refreshed and ready to ROLL after… though I doubt it. – Late start… but we can never recover lost time so, best to simply move forward. In the long-run, it matters not anyway. – 15.50 WELL! THAT WAS UNEXPECTED: 4 MORE SKETCHES POSTED TO THE ART SITE! Sketches from the shores of Tilden! Found in my little sketch book, tweaked for clarity and BINGO! Added! Delightful! AND 2 posts, one regarding the posting and the other regarding the fact that posts no longer post to fesses-book any longer. Just amazingly marvelous. – Meanwhile, it’s almost time to get something to eat here. The dilemma of whether or not to go get dessert remains and I should decided soon… this is the second shortest day, tomorrow being the shortest and the day-light is diminishing quickly… not that it matters much. Still, the sooner it gets dark the more weary I become. – Anyway, there were more things I wanted to get to today but haven’t and can’t recall what they were. I suppose one was to contact Soc.Sec. again but why fuck an other-wise calm day? – Temperatures are dropping again. Where we had rain yesterday, we have ice. And it’s snowed a little during the day. Well? It IS December and tomorrow IS WINTER! YAY! 11.28 tomorrow morning! WINTER! (May it be my last.) – 21.34 SHOWERED. CLEAN. SHAVED. Teeth brushed. Clothes washed. Even slippers! Yes, on delicate. Washed and clean. Stove stoked. All dishes away. Stove clean. HOUSE Hoovered. Wood stacked. Table? A MESS! But I don’t give a shit about that. – At about 17.00 or so, Mrs. Twat came to the door to hand me the fruit box she’d put on the back porch. Says she: “I wanted you to know that I opened it by mistake.” Yeah? I happen to know that it arrived when you weren’t at home. That said, your “husband” most likely opened it. When I looked inside, the pears look rather not well for the wear. Frozen? I should think more like “replaced”. But I’ll say nothing. It does no good. Just leave the box on the table and tell Mme. what Mrs. Twat told me. Done deal, that. – Other-wise, with the day, nothing of note accomplished. I just don’t have the focus, the energy, the desire. Besides, the little things I want to do, like clean the work table in the room, can be done whilst Mme. is in. Gives me more excuse time away, behind closed door. – Speaking of which, I had to take the pliers and WD40 to the hinges. Her “Rick” installed the hinges improperly and they clicked when the door opened and closed. As I think: She pays them to do half-assed work (“Vermont” style: half-assed and horse-shit) and *I* “fix” it. Like with the porch door too. But, again, no sense saying. – So tonight, the thermostat is back down to 60F and it’s noticeable. But the radiator is back on and the stove is stuffed. Hopefully the temperatures out-side won’t drop too low. I’ve put sand on the back stoop because of the ice but… none-the-less, let’s hope for nothing TOO crisp over-night. – Tomorrow? It all goes back to Hell. I wonder what sort of sob stories there will be about “Howard’s trying to get rid of me.” – Oh, this evening I poured myself a little rye and Kaluah. It was quite nice. I don’t know that I’ll have a v-ton tonight. And I’ve no dessert or sweet munchies. Just crisps. Oh well. There’s only about 24$ on the card and I want to make certain I have something for the holidays which I will (hopefully) be spending alone. – 21.44 Dryer’s done. Clothes and such all clean. Time for “Countdown” (I hope… if the browser is still set and the WiFi works… damn this shit-hole). – Another day, done. – PS: Mimou was about 10lbs when Mme. brought him in for his surgery. Tonight I weighed me and then me and him. 14,8lbs! 15lbs of Mr. Mimou! He’s obviously gained and is looking SO GOOD. I’m thankful I pressed the issue of having him attended. Precious little creature. And Ms. Hallie? Snoozing comfy on her divan. The day IS… done.

THU.21.DEC: 0.12 ***** WINTER ***** (at 11.28 but HEY!)!!!!! – 2 episodes of “8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown” and 1 episode of the ACTUAL “Countdown” which is, by far, boring and yet fascinatng because the contestants are younger-ish and the points go higher. – Had a v-ton with my crisps. The room is noticeably chillier with no house heat but not uncomfortable. And now…. I’m off to … hopefully… sleep. I took a potassium a while back. Trying for 2 each day to see what it does about the leg cramps. I’ll bet the muscles are in atrophy with no walking or biking. Well? Crumble time. – Good mornight. – Hello WINTER!!! – 9.28 And Winter commences with waking at 7.00, -13° and it was rather clear. It’s gone grey now though. Up, out of bed, coffee, vit.C. and potassium, let the brood out, re-start the stove, get breakfast and meds for Hallie, have a smoke, let them in, off to the loo and “Minds” for the morning commentaries. Dress. And it’s quite chilly in the room this morning. Either that or I’m just ready to go back to sleep. What-ever. The radio is on, I’m finally at the table and lap-top. Time to get this area organised some-how and focus on items I want to get to today, like the book in particular. And a sketch of Lembrook which won’t happen for a while because my fingers are cold. – Brought in a package of franks for this evening’s “meal”. I have more than I’d thought. There’s a whole package in the “fridge box” on the porch, and they’re not frozen. Very nice. They’ll be “room temperature” when it’s time to “eat” this evening. – Sun-rise was at about 7.28… it will set at about 16.11. Tomorrow? The days will start lengthening. But today is Winter. Winter 2017. Who would have believed I’d be here to note this? Not I. But “peace” is not mine… until. – 13.02 THAT took considerably longer than expected: Clearing the table-top and putting shit in some sort and order. Postal papers are now ah in the stove. No sense keeping them. – This morning, a couple of posts about Soc.Sec. were stalled on Twtr. I wonder. – And, no sign of or word from Mme. How nice for her to be able to simply dawdle about the globe at whim. Nice that she’s not here but… – Anyway, the morning has rolled into after-noon and in merely about 3 hours, the sun will set and this first day of Winter will have all but ended. It’s due to finish on 20 March… and hopefully I’ll be on the road across the lake to “home”. – I’m tired, again. And it’s chilly in this house. I can feel the cold coming in… in the kitchen pantry, on the floor in this room. I’ve a bottle of water and one of tonic on the floor at the foot of the bed. Liquids remain chilled and I can FEEL the cold coming from under the bed. Radiator up to pretty-damned-high and it’s still cool in here. – Oh well. At least I’m not in 7 layers including jackets, scarves and hats. There’s something to be said in favour of… what-ever. – 20.51 *** WELL, TODAY I RECEIVE A LETTER FROM SOC.SEC. THREE MONTHS DUE TO BE PAID ON THE 17TH AND THEN THE 2 PRE-CENT INCREASE AS OF JANUARY. WE SHALL SEE ***IF*** IT GETS PAID. I wonder if the posts to Twtr to the POTUS had anything to do with this. We shall see. – Meanwhile, Mme. rolled in at about 16.00. Went to play cards after work and didn’t bother to go to Costco as she said she would. So she brought no groceries. No prob. I don’t eat here anyway. But I brought the box of chocolates she gave me for Chanukah and we each had one (and I’ve been having one since). Then I snuck into the room for my 3 “hahd-berld” eggs. “Meal”. No snax for tonight but that’s OK. – And now, I went out to give Hallie her meds, Mimou his tuna and Mme. is in bed. The house is the normal “cool”. – Ah… but since her Rick won’t install the windows (as she’d planned) she went out and bought those “window kits’ for the Twats because they had the fucking balls to tell her than they have blankets over the windows. Yeah, right… just like trash. But? That’s the way it is round here. – Speaking of which, got an e-mail from Dorothy today. Seems Aunt Sis left Uncle Don for Alvin… Donna is Don’s, not sure who Tommy and Dorothy are, and dear “Cuz” is all upset about it all. She got a charming reply advising and suggesting… “Get over it”. Honestly… they NEED drama… But she’s all in with the Newburgh folks so… I stay removed. – Now? I’m off for a smoke. I’m rather tired. Hungry too… there are franks I can have if I want… with “Countdown” tonight. So, all’s all and the day’s done. Tomorrow the day will be a minute longer. How charming. I’ll ring Soc.Sec. to see what THEY have to say about all of this bull-shit. No doubt it will be disappointing. But I’ll give it a go. No sense being disappointed on the 27th.

Fri.22.Dec: 6.38 I haven’t the slightest idea why I’m up and awake. But here I am. I think I got to sleep at about mid-night, but that doesn’t account for this early hour. Still, here I am. – And in the loo, the washer is running. In the kitchen, Mme. Madelaine was at the stove at about 6.00, But, as I recalled last night (this morning?) before dozing off: Ms. Hallie has “Spa” today and they will be departing at about 10.00, it’s at least a 3-hour ordeal, the spa, an hour there, an hour back, and the day’s done. Then… as I’m to understand, Mme. is off to work on Sunday this week and returning on Wednesday. Well, indeed. Shame, really, that I’m not the “party”” type, what, with all this time. Maybe I should try something “new” for the season and “rock the place” a bit? I dunno. Anyway, there we have it. And it’s time for my morning smoke in the morning dark. – Hello Winter! It’s a delight. Truly it is. -21.37 Having a bowl of oatmeal with creamer and sugar. One of THOSE days. This morning, the “Card” arrived. The fuckers at Soc.Sec. put the fucking money on a CARD that charges me to get the money! So… “Michael” was the unfortunate prick to answer my call today and HE GOT IT FULL BLAST, NO HOLDS BARRED, NO CLEAN VOCABULARY, THE FULL THROTTLE BULL-SHIT!!! I mean, I said I did NOT want the card but the “Kenneth” on the 11th went and put it through. Now they’re telling me that I have to go to BTV to UN-Do the bull-shit!!! Yeah… Michael got more than his salary’s worth today. Meanwhile, I have 3033,00$ sitting in some un-known account at some un-known financial something and have NO way of getting it into my legitimate account with-out paying for the privilege of collecting my Soc.Sec. OK? So… Twtr got it… so too the President, the Speaker of the House, and the Soc.Sec. admin. (And the radio plays “No one, no one, no one….” and memories snap to 5W101, D18, and George.) And so, Mme. finds it all amusing. She had her day out with Hallie and her visit at work and such. It snowed on and off and the house was fucking cold. – Tonight there was a “tractor parade” of lighted buses, tractors and such. Cute. I tried to get it on video but was a bit too late. Mme. never got word and so we saw it only by accident. It could have been cute, had it not been here. – And I’m working on cleaning the iPod up and out. More music on and the names and such need a bit of “work”. I have shit to occupy my life. – I’m still livid about this Soc.Sec. shit though. But then again… I didn’t even think I’d live long enough to get any of it… and here I do have a card with 3 grand on it. Can’t USE the money, but it’s there… until somebody fucks that up too… and I’ve no doubt… they will. – 22.04 In bed. Radiator on. Comfy in the room. Just in from last smoke. Thankfully, this day is closed. To think: Christmas. And all is “normal”… bull-shit. Time for “Countdown” and a tonic, no vodka tonight. MAYBE (but I doubt it) I’ll get to enjoy a couple of drinks for the “holiday”. Fuck. – 24.18 Mme.’s getting a dose tonight. Stomping up-stairs. Hollering. Sounded as if somebody got tossed down the porch stairs. And now there’s a bit more stomping. Ah… child-hood memories of “holidays”. – Meanwhile, my body really IS giving horrid odours. Tonight my sweat bottoms, hands and the neck of my t-shirt. I just might be rotting away… literally. Oh well.

Sat.23.Dec: 9.03 A night of horrid leg cramps and feet turned in all sorts of contortions. I can’t figure what’s happening between the cramps/spasms and the acrid sweats. Maybe my old body is starting to decay? Oh well.. of no importance. And then there was the thrashing about up-stairs, the sound of some thing or body being tossed down the stairs (Mme. heard it, and this morning says “It didn’t last long.”). And this morning, grey but not as cold, reveals that Mrs. Twat’s car is gone and somebody’s parents are present up there this morning. Oh well. There we have it. – Meanwhile, I feel the right shit this morning, tired and bedraggled, not in the mood to be awake, never mind alive. Yesterday’s bull-shit still weighs heavily. It’s going to be interesting to see where and how far all of this goes. To think, somebody took it upon himself to change my application and re-route my money. It angers to the core. What ELSE can some stranger do to us these days? No ethics. I suppose it’s truly time to stop the “ethics”. Survival. Period. – So for the day? Well, I’ll get back to the iPod clean-up and then? We shall see. I doubt I’ll have the chance to get to the store for food. But there’s 8 franks on the porch and the oatmeal and some lentils so there’s no starving. That’s good. 24$ on the “food” for now. Again, no starving. I suppose it’s a matter of letting the day do what it will… and minding my own affairs… and general shit. – Yep… another day. Fuck. –
***** 11.21 Just used the Soc.Sec. card to place an order on Amazon for a WebCam for Mme. due Wed.3.Jan. How charming of me. (What a fuck-tard, A-Class… me.) 32$ fucked. But… I’m “nice”. (Moron)***** –
22.37 One tin of lentils today. Invited to a drink: Jim Beam and eggnog? Not too bad. A bit of cheese and crackers with. – All day? RE-vamping the iPod and not yet done. Well, 1455 titles at 4,4 days’ worth I suppose it’s going to take time. But that’s about the extent of it. – It snowed. Nothing drastic. Just nice. – And I spent a relatively nice day in the room. – Now? Looking forward to a little “Countdown” and hoping for a night of NO CRAMPS! – Tomorrow? Not sure. Mme. will be going to mass at some point and I’m still not clear about when she’s going to work. I’m not privy to such info. But at any rate… I really can’t say that I give a fuck. The house is warmer when she’s away and that’s quite nice indeed. – End of day. Xmas Eve tomorrow. BFD.

Sun.24.Dec: 8.56 Took 2 naproxyn before bed last night and was out just past mid-night for a DEEP sleep until about 6.30. Didn’t bother to get up then but was up by about 7.15. Nice morning. Not snowing but there’s a beautiful “blanket” of snow all round. Stepped out for smoke and of course, the kitchen door opens almost immediately. “Have you seen minou?” No. What-ever. But Mimou heard the voice, came running over to me to chat and I had my smoke and let him in. – Mme. is wrapping all sorts of pies… her Lis, Dickie, work. Trouble with the cling-wrap. I don’t offer help. Comment about having to go out and get the snow off the truck (for her running to church and such). I don’t offer help. I offer no assistance any longer. No sense. She’d have to do it all alone were I not here so….? – Checked Western Union this morning to see about getting money off the fucking card and to the banque. It’s going to cost me almost 80 to send 2500! Fuck! So, if I want to get money into the account from now on, it’s going to cost me every month instead of it being done as I’d originally stated. Yep… I said there’d be trouble with this and sure enough… Once again… NAILED IT! – Anyway, for some reason I woke this morning thinking it’s Saturday! Those naproxyn twisted my “calendar” about. Not to mention it being “Chrismas Eve”, tomorrow is Christmas… and a wasted Monday. Next week comes the “New Year” and more wasted time and then? My efforts at getting a vehicle and a place of my own! (Hopefully there’ll be something nice, relatively inexpensive, in NY, soon. “Hopefully”. I should know better… That’s MORE bull-shit to deal with, I’ve no doubt.) – And so, I’ll be back to the iPod music list today. Hopefully Mme.’s runnings will be long. Still not sure when she’s going off to work. But, no sense pondering. All things will happen when they do. Non of my business… I’m unimportant. –
I HAVE TO NOTE THIS TODAY. 10.57 I JUST STEPPED OUT TO THE KITCHEN TO FIND IT THE USUAL DISASTER. NO SIGN OF Mme. EARLIER, I SAW HER SWEEPING SNOW OFF THE TRUCK, FOLLOWING HER MAYHEM OF TRYING TO CLING-WRAP ALL OF HER PIES. WELL… SHE’S GONE ON HER MERRY WAY. THE KITCHEN IS A MESS AND COLD. THE CORN-BROOM SHE USED ON THE TRUCK IS LAYING IN THE SNOW, IN THE DRIVE. THERE WAS ONE BIT OF WOOD IN THE STOVE, FLU OPEN FULL, AND NOTHING BUT SMOULDERING. THE THERMOSTATS ON THE STOVE AND STOVE-PIPE DOWN TO ALMOST MINIMUM. THERE’S PLENTY OF WOOD ON THE STACK IN THE KITCHEN. THE POKER IS BURIED UNDER ALL SORTS OF PAPER, CARD-BOARD AND GENERAL SHIT, NOT ON THE RACK. MIMOU IS ON THE FLOOR BY THE STOVE. HALLIE IS IN THE BED-ROOM. SHE LEFT WITH-OUT WORD AND LEFT THE PLACE A COMPLETE MESS AND COLD. – TODAY I THINK TO MY-SELF: ALTHOUGH THIS HAS BEEN RATHER HELLISH, I MUST BE THANKFUL FOR THE EXPERIENCE OF TRUE AND ABSOLUTE “ENTITLEMENT” AND “SELFISHNESS”, “SELF-SERVING”, “EGO-CENTRICITY”, “INGRATITUDE” AND WHAT I’VE COME TO KNOW, OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE-TIME AS “CHRISTIANITY”. TO EXIST IN THE PRESENCE OF THE TRUEST FORM OF “ENTITLEMENT” HAS BEEN A LESSON THAT HAS TAUGHT ME TO APPREICATE MY OTHER-WISE STRICT UP-BRINGING WHERE I WAS TAUGHT TO BE APPREIATIVE OF OTHERS, TO RESPECT THEM AND AFFORD THEM (UNLESS OTHER-WISE UNDESERVING) HUMAN DIGNITY. – *** CHRISTIANS PERFORM ACTS OF KINDNESS TO OTHERS *ONLY* BECAUSE THEY ARE “PROMISED” SOME KIND OF “REWARD” (“HEAVEN” AND “GRACE” AND “BLESSINGS”) AND THEY DO SO *ONLY* WHEN THE ACT IS VISIBLE TO OTHERS AND CAN BE “HONOURED” IN SOME MANNER. THOUGH “ALTRUISM” IS CERTAINLY NOT THE BEST ATTRIBUTE, THERE IS NOTHING ABSOLUTLEY WRONG WITH IT WHEN NEDDED AND DESERVED. BUT THIS BULL-SHIT OF WANDERING ABOUT, WHINING ABOUT ONE’S SHORTCOMINGS AND MISGIVINGS, WHINING ABOUT THE PERCIEVED INJUSTICES OF OTHERS, AND THE SIMULTANEOUS ABUSE OF OTHER HUMAN BEINGS IS ASTOUNDINGLY REPUSLIVE! *** “CHRISTIANS”… INDEED. I’VE SEEN “CHRISITANITY” IN FULL-SWING, OFTEN, OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE-TIME AND THIS OLD THING HERE IN THIS HOUSE EXEMPLIFIES AND PERSONIFIES ALL THAT IT TRULY IS: SELF-SERVING, EVEN AT THE COST OF OTHERS. *** TO THINK: TOSS THE BROOM INTO THE SNOW, LEAVE THE STOVE ALMOST EMPTY, THERMOSTAT FOR THE HOUSE SET TO *MAYBE* 60F AND THE KITCHEN COLD, AND THEN SIMPLY ROLL OUT AND AWAY… TO GO TO “CHURCH”. *AND* ON “CHRISTMAS EVE”. YES, INDEED, THOUGH COMPARRISON IS NOT NECESSARILY A POSITIVE ACTION, IT IS COMMON AND HUMAN. AND TODAY, AGAIN, AS ALWAYS, WHEN I LOOK ON MY EXISTENCE AND WHAT I’VE DONE FOR OTHERS, TO MAKE THEIR EXISTENCE EVEN A SLIGHT BIT EASIER, I CAN TAKE GREATEST COMFORT AND SOLACE IN KNOWING THAT, IN THE “GREATER SCHEME OF CREATION”, I HAVE DONE MANY WONDEROUSLY POSITIVE THINGS FOR OTHERS. AS I TOLD Mme. NOT SO VERY LONG AGO “YOU’VE LIVED WELL WITH MY HELP.” INDEED. – I CAN’T HELP BUT REMEMBER HOW, AS CECIL LAY DYING, BEING DEVOURED BY CANCER, SHE ADMITTED TO ME TO HAVING TOLD HIM “YOU’RE LEAVING ME TO FREEZE TO DEATH, ALONE, IN THIS HOUSE.” THAT SUMS IT ALL UP, PRECISELY AND CONCISELY.
I’m exceptionally glad that I managed to make “life” miserable for her to the point where she took little Mimou to the vet to be treated and cured, and to bring him out of the cold and snow. I couldn’t do it my-self, but I made certain that he was taken care of. Today he has shelter from the elements, food, water, and a kinder place to exist. – And I remember how I TRIED to impress upon her, the need to check her tenants (the Stanhopes) but she didn’t bother… and it cost her plenty in money, resources and stress. I helped her with her “Jesus-selling” with the spread-sheets and e-mails. I even got her a refund of her money for her stay in Philadelphia when she got stranded after her “holiday” in Washington state. Yes, I AM a “good person”… As Jeanna’s therapist told her: In this world there are “givers” and “takers”. As I remember being told “If there were no ‘takers’, ‘givers’ would have no-one to give to.” But above all else I keep in mind and heart the truth: GIVERS MUST DRAW A LINE BECAUSE TAKERS SELDOM DO. – Such fuckery.
11.19 Back to my iPod. – 11.43 and she returns… now let’s see what she does about her fucking mess. Came back the same way she left… with-out word. – 13.30 Well… it appears she cleaned the kitchen a bit. The broom got saved from being plowed into a snow-bank. She’s been packing the truck and just announced she’ll be back on Wednesday evening. And so… I’m just waiting for the departure and hoping the store will be open for at least until I can get there and get SOMETHING to eat whilst she’s gone. If yes… good. If not? There’s hunger coming until Tuesday. How charming. Well… as is the usual here for 6 years: Fuck me. – 14.06 JUST made it to the store for shit. They close at 15.00 until Tuesday. – Now, off to make this place comfortable (enough) for ME! – Again… Mrs. You and me together for a holiday… BUT THIS YEAR… THERE’S M. MIMOU TOO! Things are good. – 20.26 Finished the cleaning at about 26.00. Light cleaning, really. Sweep. Hoover. Mop with a bit of bleach in the water. Only the kitchen floor of course. Stacked more wood in the kitchen… for me. Then turned the thermostat up to 70F and had my “meal” of chicken nuggets (8) on 2 rolls with mayo and salsa. Ice cream after. – At about 19.00 I had a Tea and watched Morgan Freeman’s stories on “God” for a bit. – Just “saged” the house whilst Hallie and Mimou went out for their 20.00 outing. They came in, Hallie had her hot-dog, Mimou had tuna. And now? I’m ready to get into a shower because I’ve soaked it in “Scrubbing Bubbles” and “Clorox Clean-up”, my jammies are washed and too, pillow cases. Shame I can’t clean the entire bed but… we do what we can. – The Twats left this after-noon as I swept the back walk. Peace in the house for now… until, of course, their return. – And I’m fine at present. Looking forward to relaxing with “Countdown” and a drink. Tomorrow? HOLIDAY! Hopefully nobody will come by to “visit”. I’m hoping for a hair-cut and a clean-up of my own and a day of “nothing”. – I’m feeling a touch better having found a transfer service called “OFX” to get my money into the banque. I’ll try 1k first and see how that works. If all goes well… more will follow. And I think I might type a lease for here and take Mme. up on her offer to go to CIBC on Thursday, change the address to this shit-hole for now, in case I’m still here come time to get the new banque card, which I believe will be the case… in April. Sadly. – But a thought tonight: I am now 600$ better off tonight than I was when I left NYC 6 years ago. Something to be positive about, I think. And in a month’s time, I’ll be 1600 better off than I was when I left the Shelter, 6 years ago. So a move should be OK by then. We shall see what comes along. I’m in no particular “rush” just yet. Knowing that I have an “out” makes it much easier to stomach. – Well… Christmas Eve, 20.34, 2017, and no different from any other night of any other time. – I wish I could call Dennis tonight. I might give the numbers a try. But I doubt I’ll get through to any of them. I’d like him to know he’s though of. Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually WRITE. I have an address. And I SHOULD write… just to keep in touch… to let him know… for all the difference it may (or may not) make. – Oh… and even though I spent 11 of the 20 left from the 50 that was supposed to go to anti-virus soft-ware for the computers, I have cash. And even though I got something to eat for tonight and tomorrow on the food card, I’ve 9 left there too. So… things are pretty much “OK” at the moment. Imagine that! (I wonder who’s going to come forward first to snatch my little bit of “OK” from me and how soon. It’s bound to happen…) – 21.37 and “peace” is dead. The Twats have returned, and noticeably. Stomping up and down the stairs. I’ve no doubt that tomorrow will be worse with the running and such with the opening of “gifts”. Alas. No peace until… Death? Yes. – I need a shower. And I do believe it’s time. – I noticed tonight, looking into a magnifying mirror in the loo, the wrinkles in my face. I’ve gotten “old”. WOW! I’ve gotten “old”. Oh it was bound to happen. The only way to avoid it is to die “young”. But that’s not to be. Though tonight, were I to be where I want to be, tonight would be my last. I’m at “that peace”. One day… – I keep thinking: 3k… it may as well be 3$. Money has changed over the years. Once upon my time, this would be a down-payment on a house. Today? It’s a badly used car, if that. Time… I believe “time” is our Hell. “After this there’s only peace.” – 23.05 In bed! Showered! VERY WARM in a t-shirt. Clothes in the dryer. And a “too strong” v-ton at bed-side! I am CIVIL tonight! (And it’s quiet up-stairs too!)

Mon.25.Dec: 1.44 after 2 v-tons and 2 episodes of “Countdown” and … well… WTF? – 8.33 Well, yes, it is a “White Christmas”, with just the slightest bits of snow falling from a grey sky. The little ones have had their “out” and breakfast. The embers in the stove have been stirred. I’ve had coffee, loo and smoke. All is calm. All is bright. And the only remnants of last night’s beverages are pretty much the same as any other morning of late. And as I stood at the porch window having my smoke, somebody (I’ll assume it was Jef Alexant) came cross-country skiing along the Highgate street toward Main. Of course, “those people” aren’t speaking to me since about last year when I told them all that I was fed-up with all the drama they cause themselves where the Stanhopes were concerned. Just as well. – Thought this morning: It’s Christmas morning, in the North Country. New England, in fact. Quite the out-sider’s (“Flatlander’s”) dream. I should be quite happy this morning, being here, in the North, on Christmas morning. Sadly, it’s turned sour over the years and, well, it’s just another day for me. So, that said, it’s common, typical, just as it was, it is again today. Some dreams never do come true, no matter how close we might get to them. – Still, I suppose I must be rather a bit happy. After all, with what’s “on the card”, there’s “hope” for the change, and the chance to get to where I can be “happy”. Next year in the Adirondacks. As it were. – Mimou woke me this morning. Well, a coughing kick woke me, but Mimou was at bed-side. No prob. There’s a day ahead… and naps to be taken. I suppose I should light the tree. I suppose I should. – 15.10 It’s been an “interesting” sort of day. I got a “lease” done to change the address to 5199 and an appointment for Thursday at 13.30 with CIBC. Let’s see how THAT turns out. Then, the winds kicked up and must have blown the porch window about as I napped. A pane of glass broke, cleanly, so that it can be put back together… some-how. I scrambled 4 eggs for “lunch” and boiled the other 8. One of them floated narrow end up and sure enough, broke as it cooked. It’s in the wood stove. Oh and I also cleaned the glass on the stove. Not perfectly but the fire is now clearly visible. – I should file my nails. I should cut my hair. But I’m just not in the mood, as it were. – The tree is lit. The TV is on. Hallie’s just in from being out and Mimou is staring hard at the Subaru. Mice? I shouldn’t doubt it. Anything to fuck the car up, I’m sure. – And now, even though it’s only 15.13, I feel like going to bed. But there’s a shower to be taken. Maybe I’ll cut my hair tonight before the shower. Makes sense. And, if things go as they were told, I still have tomorrow. (I’ll have to let Mme. know that her offer to go to Bedford on Thursday will be accepted. She also wants ME to go to a pharmacy to get 222s for one of her co-workers… Imagine THAT. When *I* wanted them, we never made it to a pharmacy. My back. My teeth. Nope. But because somebody ELSE will NOTE her “deed”… Typical “Christian”. It’s as I’ve always said: Christians will do ONLY if somebody acknowledges. – Anyway… the iPod list is done. 1455 tunes all “cleaned”. I haven’t listened to any of them. I should work on the book. I’m tired. But then.. I’m ALWAYS tired these days. – 23.04 Late end to this day. But good thing is that I got files onto the peripheral drive… ALL of them. But as for the rest of the day? Well, I put the pieces of that broken window together. Now to get a day warm enough to put it into the frame on the porch. And other-wise? Nothing. Not even in the mood to get onto soc.med. today. Watched a bit of TV. Took a nap. Ate more nuggets on rolls for “meal” and some ice cream after. Dishes are all put away. No evidence. And other than that? Well, I’m showered, in bed and v-ton at bed-side. Time for “TV” (UTube) and try for sleep. Thankfully hopefully another quiet day to come tomorrow. But no matter… this fucking shit-hole. – Hallie and Mimou were wonderful company though. The sweet little Loves.

Tue.26.Dec: 8.32 And it seems I’ve almost lost another day, thinking today is Wednesday. Oh well… Shit like this is bound to happen… with “age”. But I’m up, loo’ed, coffee’d, the critters are fed and have been out and I’ve had my smoke and dressed. Jammies and pillow cases in the wash. The skies are clear and the sun is bright and the day is rolling along already. The stove embers are stirred and I’ll clean the thing out a bit better today… AND I need a bit of a hair-cut as well. But my stomach is “off” and the rest of me just wants to go back to bed. But that’s not happening this morning. – Scanned the lap-top. thought I could do it over-night but no, it’ shut-down during and just finished. Oh well. It’s done anyway. – 9.39 and the day is rolling. Quick check of the météo: -30 to come! And the first week of January is expected to be bitter. “Winter” will be here… in short course. Oh well. Meanwhile, there’s a “snap” to the air in the house because the stove is burning out. I want to clean the glass today. “Appearance”. Jammies are done. Now, to “fill the day”. – 15.43 Sitting at the table, skimming through Twtr, all calm, and (at 15.00) comes the “tinkle” of a message on the phone: “Just a heads up I feel terrible the shits you kknow so I’ll be home later” WELL! First of all, I KNOW the message wasn’t sent as a “courtesy”. Something else is in there. But I replied that the timing was good, just finished cleaning the wood stove and that Hallie and Mimou will be happy to see her. The stove? I cleaned it this morning. Just the glass. Good thing… Quick Hoover, take my nuggets out of the freezer, TOSS my ice cream, grab my half’n’half. (No “nice” meal tonight. Fucking shit! Not to mention the wasted money on the ice cream. Fucking qunt.) GOOD THING I MANAGED TO CUT MY HAIR THIS MORNING THOUGH! Not a great job. My eyes won’t focus properly again today. But it’s neater. I should have been able to wash my clothes though. They’re a little itchy. But… never mind. The hair is done. AND a shower. AND my toe-nails. AND I grabbed the garbage bag (because I have my cans and Tea tins in it) and tossed it to the porch where it’s no obvious. Tomorrow I’ll toss it to the curb. I’ll have to think of some sort of thing to say about it not being here now. But that’s for later. – Meanwhile, I’m “re-settled”. AND the thermostat’s back down to 60F… just as there are all sorts of “Warnings” about the bitter cold to come. Oh well… at least I have the radiator in this room and I WILL NOT freeze… nor be “chilled”. Done. DONE! And “life” (fuck me) goes on. – I NEED to get the FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE! – 21.49 I went to be at about 18.30 after having the last 4 hard-boiled eggs. Eggs… 7 of them today. And now I’m having the thawed nuggets just because I’m awake. – Mme. came in at about 16.30. I was at the table in the little room and didn’t make much effort to get up for anything. But I did go out and find her on the sofa, under a blanket. Chatted. FOR THURSDAY, SHE SAID I COULD HAVE THE TRUCK TO GO TO THE BANQUE! WHEW! And I’ve been thinking of things I might want to get whilst in QC and wondering if I dare try for Cowansville. Not that there’s anything there that I truly MUST have but… We shall see how it turns. – Came back into the room, closed the door and looked for the copy of GMBS. It was already on the Cgate drive… in PDF! But I found a site that converted it back to a typeable document. So I can get back to work on it. There are errors in it, but for the most part, it’s workable. Got so tired that I went to bed though. Slept a bit and now… am up. – 22.08 just in from a smoke. I should go back to bed but… my tummy’s a bit on the knotted side. More reason to go back to bed. There’s nothing that needs to be done tomorrow so a late morning isn’t all that bad. And I don’t have to be up and about by 8.00 other than to get the garbage out. And that’s GOT to be done by me because it’s got the tins and some bottles in it. I’ll think of something. – Anyway, at least I’m showered and clean, so too, the jammies and linens. That’s fine.

Wed.27.Dec: 6.54 Me up. Dressed. Coffee. Bottled. Smoked. Stove re-started (from almost nothing since, obviously, wood wasn’t put on before the house went to bed). And… as I was getting the fire going, the house woke and are all gathered in the kitchen. – I went back to bed at about mid-night, with an alarm set for 4.00. Heard that, dozed off and just woke. Yep… UP AND GET MOVING! But it was difficult getting to sleep. I’d browsed for 4-poster beds, futons and vehicles before turning in. Ikea no longer makes the bed I loved. Futons are either metal shit (as are the beds) or incredibly expensive. Vehicles? Trucks are about all that I have now and cars are mostly Fords and not cheap either. And the pain and anger caused by the loss of the bed and futon… to think they were in that basement… the futon, ruined by Ahlena in her shed. No matter how I try, that pain won’t go away. I know better. I know that those things are never coming back. I know I can’t replace them. But it doesn’t help to ward off nor fend against the bitterness. But I DO have to let it go. After all… “she” and “they” put all into that storage when they tossed me, with-out a word… but I have to think of poison drinking water, loss of Michael, and there’s no telling what’s going on now with Sarah and Ollie. Not to appear pompous, but, as miserable as my existence may have been, it’s nothing too hard, in comparison. And even now, as the temperatures are 0F this morning, I’ve a room, roof and radiator. “Karma” seeks “balance”. My pain is being addressed and redressed. – And on this thought, it’s time to get a day “rolling”… some-how. – It appears WNBZ has gone off-air. I’ve had the radio on from since yesterday and there’s only silence. Not even static. Oh well, it was too good to last. But it gives me the opportunity to run through the iPod… 4 days of music on there, and when shuffled, it’s quite eclectic. Again, I really don’t have all that much to whine about. – Let’s see how today wraps down. – 22.15 In bed. House dark. V-ton at bed-side but no nibbles. Oh well. – Well… we opened gifts today. A jar of choco-raisins from “Minou” and a pair of “Fila” sneakers from “Hallie”! I’m sure the sneakers weren’t expensive, but how nice the thought. They’re black, fabric, not “warm” but better than none and more protection than the slippers I’ve been wearing. And the web-cam is due on Friday and I’m hoping. – “Meal” was a roll and a tin of lentils. Better than nothing. – And we chatted nicely today. – I set up the account for OFX today. What a thrill… as I was setting it up they called to ask if I had any questions! And I posted thanks on Twtr and they replied almost immediately! UNfortunately, the fucking card is a bit of a fuck-up. I have to PAY 1,50 for the transfer to Mellon to get it to OFX to get it to CIBC! Fucking DAYS! This country and Soc.Sec… what fucks. Antiquated beyond belief! Well, I KNEW it wasn’t going to be easy, and I’m prepared now to do battle. But OFX is amazing! I look forward to their help in future. Thankfully, I’ve the appointment at CIBC tomorrow (and yes, it looks like I’ll be going alone) so I’ll ask them what they think of the situation. Maybe we can work it out so I can just transfer directly… until the U.S. gets it shit together. (Before I have to go directly to our Pres.?) – Tonight’s weather is a chill of -38C! Mme. even turned the thermostat up! So we KNOW it’s cold. And she’s to believe TOMORROW is to be worse. Oh well. Let it be. It’s not too terrible in her tonight. The radiator is on half but both switches. It’s the floor that’s damned cold. The vodka and tonic are at fridge temp. And the half’n’half is probably perfectly fine, against the outer wall. Oh well. At least Mimou is snuggled in bed with Mme. and Hallie. Precious little thing. He survived this kind of cold last Winter. Thankfully he’ll not have to do that again. – Well. I didn’t get “Countdown” last night. Shouldn’t tonight but will… Just one… and a v-ton. Tomorrow will be what it will be. Let’s just hope the truck starts. (I know the Subaru won’t.) – Thanks to be given: I’m not at 5225 in THAT cold! –

Thu. 28.Dec: 6.09… yes, 6.09 and the stove is up and running, all else is done as well… smoke and the porch door is open. And -2 on the F-scale. THIS is what happens when I’m asleep by mid-night. One v-ton and an episode and a half on Countdown. WNBZ on the radio this morning. The house is still. But I feel like a bit of shit. Head-ache this morning. But we can’t have a “perfect” morning. Am I looking forward to heading to what I used to think of as “home”? Not really. So much has changed over the years. Once upon a time, I’d be almost giddy over the thought of heading to QC. Ah, yes, so much has changed. Oh well. And so, another day commences with “Didn’t we almost have it all?” sung into my face… followed by “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”. Yep… that pretty much covers it. – On with the day. I’d’ve rathered lay in bed, dozing, or half-dozing, in a world more comfy, perhaps in Lembrook… yes, Lembrook would have been nice. But here we are… and the Twats are awake, tap-tapping on my ceiling. A “Franklin” morn. “New England”. But New York on the radio. That’s quite nice. I suppose. – 19.48 I’M TIRED! BUT I GOT TO CIBC TODAY AND CHANGED THE ADDRESS SO IF I’M STILL HERE IN APRIL (END OF MARCH) I’LL GET MY NEW CARD (I HOPE). TOOK AN HOUR. I WENT ALONE. Got back and Mme. headed out to her Liz’s for about an hour. – This evening we had a drink together (she ate… I’d eaten a bowl of oatmeal made in half’n’half whilst she was out). – And now I’m too tired to even watch “Countdown”. So I’m going to bed… until I wake… when-ever that is. – If I should wake a bit hungry, the franks are in… thawing. – It’s been quite bitter all day… and the rest of the house? COLD! (Dumass, that one.) –

Fri.29.Dec: 5.00 Stove’s up, pee done, having coffee. Woke a few moments ago, WNBZ on the radio from last night and all’s fine. Why am I up? Don’t know, really. But I am. – At about 20.30 last night, shit just simply hit the walls in this dump. Up-stairs, the running went amok. Down-stairs, stomping about, doors slamming, Mimou on the porch screaming at my door. Delightful shit. I laid in the bed wheezing from it all but eventually drifted off. Between the Twats up-stairs and the Qunt down here… honestly. Well… it gives me more incentive to NOT spend money and save it… my 60 per-cent… to get the FUCK out of here. – And, at 5.06, time to finish coffee, get dressed at bit and, well… I took copies of the images on this journal… almost 1300!!! I’ve got other journals to get and save so… AND I SHOULD work on the book. Yes? – Fuck. – 5.20 In from a smoke. Porch door open. If she had any sense, Mme. could simply open the kitchen door, let the critters out for morning pee. (But she won’t, of course.) Not all that bitter cold this morning. Not warm, but certainly not bitter. And today, the web-cam is due. Let’s see how this day progresses. – 10.16 Fucking place is COLD! In the room (even with the radiator on almost full) and if you step out of this room it’s BLOODY-FUCKING COLD! She’s gone through most of the wood in the kitchen and will NOT put the furnace up… she’d rather light the fucking oven! There’s something terribly wrong with the old qunt. Really. But for me, most of the cold in the room is coming up through the floor… much too, through the walls. I mean, if dairy stays fresh beside the wall… there’s trouble. Oh well… Fucking idiot, that one. -21.46 ADK Champlain is backed-up today. The stove is going nice enough to heat my back as I sit on the bed. – THE WEB CAM IS SET UP ON Mme’s LAP-TOP. SHE WAS “THANKFUL”. AND I RE-SET HER UP WITH SKYPE (FOR THE THIRD TIME BECAUSE SHE LOST THE INFO ON THE FIRST ACCOUNTS). Got her onto fesses-book as well. Not that she did anything about her correspondence on it. – I was invited to a steak dinner which I dodged because of my teeth, so I had 2 small potatoes, partially cooked. (But I’d had 4 franks, cold, earlier… “meal”.) – It was another rather almost bitter day so I spent a lot of time in the warmth of the room instead of the cold of the house. – And right now? I’m hoping to finish that episode of “Countdown” and get to sleep. (I napped for about 45minutes today though. So I’m still hoping to be up before sun-rise tomorrow. Why? Just because… ) – Wasted days… that’s all these are. – And she’s not going back to work until MONDAY? I hope I can hold through. – No drinks again tonight. Stupid me didn’t get more vodka when I had the chance. But then, there’s only 3001 on the card so… better I don’t spend it. I NEED it for BETTER days.

Sat.30.Dec: 6.17 NO HEAT IN THE HOUSE this morning. The furnace went out last night. Well… probably went out during the day. It was exceptionally cold in here all day, yesterday. But, things being what they usually are when Mme. is at home, I just put my Sherpa sweat-shirt on and went about my business when I left the room. – I was in bed, Countdown on, catching-up with the half episode at about 22.00 when the knock came on the door. “The furnace isn’t working.” (or something to the effect). So I got up, put on my boots and jacket, was handed a small torch and I went down to the basement to check the oil in the tank. Almost 75 per-cent full. I checked the furnace… There are two “zones” set and only one was lit… “Zone 1”. The thermostat in her room was set at 70F and the thermometer read “52F”. The furnace started, then stopped, repeatedly. The registres were slightly warm to the touch but nothing more. But the kicker? When I mentioned to her that the house was unusually cold all during the day, she said “I wish you’d said something.” WHAT? Oh well. I let that ride. No sense saying anything. My thought was “You keep the damned place so fucking cold anyway, I thought you were just being your usual insane self. Or trying to prove a point of some kind.” But as I say, no sense. I said nothing. She got on the phone, rang McCuin and who-ever it was on the other end kept telling her that the furnace wasn’t kicking because she’s got another “heat source” which is probably too close to the thermostat! OMG, as ’tis said. (I quick-measured the distance from wood-stove to thermostat: approximately 40ft away, almost at the opposite end of the house, round a corner, in another room. But she wouldn’t say that on the phone.) They, McCuin, wouldn’t give her the benefit of the doubt and of course, *I* don’t know WHAT the fuck *I’M* talking about when I’m telling her and them that “Zone 2” isn’t functioning. And so, that’s how it went. Turned out that I set the thermostat to 80F, she went to bed, I returned to my tele. At 2.00, I put another bit of wood in the stove and went to bed with an alarm set for 4.15. It sounded, I turned it off and dozed until 6.00 when I got up and stuffed the stove. The bit of wood I’d put in at 2.00 hadn’t burned… which was good. But I’d “slept” with the door to this room open through the night. Apparently I didn’t “sleep” well because I’ve got a MISERABLY HELLISH ache in the left side of my face, as if I’d clenched my teeth through the night. Teeth hurt. Jaw hurts. Neck hurts. Even my sinuses on the left side are painful. But… I got up at the alarm, pee’ed in the bottle and went out, stirred the embers and stuffed 3 large bits of wood into the stove. There’s one bit left in the kitchen (and I’m not about to go back out there to start hauling more wood from the garage since Mme. and Co. are still in bed). She’ll be phoning McCuin again when she gets up. Oh well. As she, her-self said last night, when she had the old furnace replaced this Summer, she opted for the 6k instead of the 8k version. Of course, she hadn’t sold Nr.172 and didn’t have the money (so she said). But what-ever. – But OH! The funniest bit (as far as I’m concerned): She rang-up the Twats last night to check if they had heat… AND SHE WOKE THEIR LITTLE SPORE! I COULD HEAR IT CRYING UP THERE! Apparently they mentioned it to her whilst on the phone… not too very happy, they were. Me? I HAD to take glee… of course. So now THEY got disturbed, THEIR repose interrupted. Karma… rides again. So my head-ache comes as a price to pay for the bit of delight. – And so, I’m awake, not dressed as yet, but in from a smoke in the crisp morning air. Stove stoked, coffee’ed, and such. The door to the room is closed again, the radiator set at fullest, and it’s still only just short of “comfy” in the room here. But the house is quiet, thus far. Today’s going to be “interesting” in its own right, with a phone call to McCuin and I’m certain they’re going to tell her that the trouble is some-how because of her. And me? I’m just going to go on about my own concerns, what-ever those might be. Oh well… there’s nothing else to be done. – What a delight. At least I’ve still got this little heater. (I couldn’t help but think: She actually got uncomfortably cold at 52F last night… When I was in 5225, 52F was a blessing. “Life” and “Karma” come round to teach others, and I remain… silent.) – Meanwhile, at 6.44, a check of the weather: MINUS 25C just now. As I say, it’s only just short of “comfy” in this room, but the radiator is cranking away… I pray it doesn’t join the furnace and give up the fight. – 12.13 No McCuin yet. Mme. says she got word that the little feller will be here around 14.00 or 15.00! He’s the only one working on these calls and he’s in the Georgia area! Oh well… – Meanwhile, this morning at about 7.00, Mme. woke, I got fully clothed, emptied the ash buckets into the garden, brought it 12 bits of fire-wood from the garage and suddenly got SO fucking tired! At about 10.00, I went down for a nap… of about an hour! Strangely, I dreamt:
I was working in a small post office with an older woman who was a sub. The office was pale blue with white trim and it was a sunny day so the office was nicely lit. As I was sorting through mail on a work-table, 2 guys, one older, the other younger came in. They had all sorts of papers… concerning the fact that I hadn’t gotten my Soc.Sec. money. So whilst the elder talked with me about mail and such, the younger went into the office with the PM. When they came out, there were more papers, but 3 in particular got the most attention. The PM handed the younger fellow a slip of note paper on which was written my name and some numbers, something to do with my salary. The 3 sheets of paper they were pre-occupied with were summonses! I asked, “How can it be that THEY OWE ME and I’M getting a summons?!?” The PM said nothing, but stood, looking almost sad, at me. I was about to be sacked because of something nobody would say to me. I kept calm and thought “Well, I’ve no money, I’ve done nothing wrong, the best they can get is my salary here, but there’s really nothing they can do to actually harm me. What? Jail? Fine. I just don’t give a shit any more anyway.” And I woke.
And that’s when I went out to the kitchen to learn about Andrew McC… not coming until later. The house isn’t as cold now as it was this morning, partly because the stove is stoked and burning and the heater from the loo is in the living-room. And too, the sun is shining. It’s still cold. But… we’ll see what happens at 14-15.00. (But now Mme. is complaining about McCuins… and the service and the cost of the furnace. Well? Shit happens… in shit-hole. – 16.58 How sad… to be so proud of my-self because I managed to down a tin of lentil soup (heated by placing the closed tin on the radiator), in the privacy of the little room. And, with a bit of butter that I’ve had in plastic bags for a couple of weeks… frozen on the porch and thawed but kept cool on the floor. How sad… to be so proud and happy that I’ve shoved a tin of soup down my throat instead of heating food as it should be, and sitting at a table, eating as a human being would. How sad… – Andrew McC came by at about 13.00, in, down the stairs and out. But he showed me what was wrong with the furnace. A simple switch that had never been adjusted, controlling the “zones”… as I’d said, but that’s not the point. Mere moments. And he advised Mme. to set the thermostat at about 70F and leave it. Ah… but she insists on 65F. She doesn’t listen to anything anybody else tells her. But that’s par for the illness of narcissism. And so, the heat came up and the house is a touch warmer… still chilled, but nothing near the 50F it’s been. Moments. Done. – And since, I’ve been trying to stay awake… so tired. (Of course, when it’s time to sleep, I’ll be awake.) – I’m hoping she’ll go to mass tomorrow so I can get some food for Sunday night and MONDAY! Monday is a holiday… no store open in town… idiots. If not? Well… there’s still SOME-thing to be eaten… IF I don’t eat it tonight or tomorrow. Seeing 2018 in is going to be tough. But I’m not in a shelter and I’m not in the streets. That counts toward something. And there are 3 Teas and a bit of vodka left so on Monday night when she goes to work, I can have a proper (?) drink. All’s rather well enough. – And so I’ve been going through photos on the lap-top… and being reminded of “I’ll help you…” and “I can make phone calls…”, none of which actually happened. And the bitterness draws new life. It will NEVER go away. – Now, to hold out and on for the remainder of the evening… One can only hope. – 23.39 To bed. Had 3 potatoes for extra meal and a VO-ginger. Watched a bit of tele and the house is warm! So I’m going to sleep.

Sun.31.Dec: 7.21 Just in from my smoke on another crisp morning after a night of horrid leg cramp again. The house is dark and silent… still. Odd, but when it gets to 7.00 and there’s no “activity”, I tend to wonder if there’s anybody alive “out there”. It would be “my Fate” to have her die, putting me in a situation where-by I’d be Homeless… again. And now, even more-so, with not quite enough money to simply up and go. Oh, the morning thoughts. Charming. – And I need a shower, to make a wash. ICK! – Last day of 2017, this. “As you see in the new year, so too, shall you be for the rest.” This year, there’ll be no clean clothes, house, order, food. But there will be, un-like too many before, money. I have to focus on that point. – And I think that I’ve been FORCED into “retirement”… a life of leisure. FORCED. I’m not ready to sit back. I do not go gently into the dark. I go, fed-up and bitter as all Hell itself. Oh well. Why should I go gently any-where now? I’ve never done so before. – Another day. Happy “New Calendar”. Fuck. – (Nice way to greet a new day.) – 11.11 WELL… seems like the furnace has returned to its previous state… thermostat set at 70F and thermometer reading 59F. I’ve just stacked more fire-wood in the kitchen for a while, stuffed the stove, cranked it up. The oven is lit. Imagine that shit. Mme. took off this morning at about 9-something. Off to Jesus, as it were. Not a word spoken. Never a “I’m leaving.” Me? I don’t (CAN’T) give a shit. – Just back in from the store. I had 9$ on the card. There’s about 2$ left until tomorrow (IF I get any more… I can’t depend on anything these days). 2 crisps, rolls, tonic. Tonight… but there’s a bit of vodka, 3 Teas and tomorrow? I don’t (CAN’T) give a shit. We’ll see how I feel tonight. The way you see the year in… Drunk would be nice… very nice. Tomorrow the store will be closed. No doubt the fucking state will be closed. No food or etc. Oh well. I just have to make it so that this is the LAST year of this shit… one way or another. – And so, the stove is cranking, the house is a touch warmer… but that might be because I hauled the wood again. (And… the far wall of the garage? Almost empty. She’s gone through almost 3 cords of wood and there’s a week, at least, of this cold-snap to come. None of my business… unless I can learn how to change the “priority” zone on the furnace… and pull the heat from the Twats… which would be delightful. I must check into it.) – 22.15 and in the bed. The house is done and quiet. Mme. and I had a “Chinese” dinner together this evening. She had a wine. I had a rum and Coke. That was at 18.00. Then we sat to watch a “PPV” movie “Mountains Between Us” or something of the sort, followed by an egg nog and rum. A quick glimpse of Times Square, which seemed quite empty in comparison to years gone by. Maybe because of the cold. Perhaps because of a strict limit to how many people were “allowed”. Which-ever, it’s not the “celebration” I remember. And no, I have NO desire to be there, or any-where near it. – Great news though… I got a fellow named “Allen S.” on Skype this evening who helped bring Mme.’s original Skype account back up! He was amazingly wonderful and now she’s back on-line. She says she’ll try to get through to Germany tomorrow. We shall see. But, I got her the good camera, got her account up and running. It’s the best I could do. – Other-wise, I don’t care much about this “New Year”. Just get me the fuck out of this place and back to the home state. – That said, I’ve got a Tea open. As cool as if it came from the fridge. The stove is stuffed. The furnace isn’t working properly. Thermostat set at 70F and still only 60F. Mme. says she’ll phone McCuin again on Tuesday. The radiator is on FULL in the room and it’s only just comfortably warm. It’s bitter these nights. But I’ve eaten today, have my Tea, in a good bed with sufficient blankets, heat, and although it would have been nice to have had a shower, I’m fine. No complaints about comfort. Hey… I’m not in a Shelter, not hungry, not thirsty and I’ve clothes. There are certain things for which “Thanks” can be given sincerely. – Now, for a bit of Countdown, Tea and to sleep. Tomorrow is another year. Fuck. 23.39 I’m out.