TUE.1.DEC: 7.52 weak and weary and wanting to go to sleep. 16° raised heater. not bad to 17° during smoke. Feverish? – To the book! – Car is useless today. No registration. No insurance. And this month… No inspection. I need to get to the market too. – (And this turned out to be another day of not leaving the room… working on the book. Strange though… NOT leaving the room, save for the smoke-breaks. Let nobody say I didn’t dedicate any of my self or time to this effort. Entire days! But, in the long-run, the best I can hope for is enough sales to get the car back on the road… Of course the repairs are going to be OUTRAGEOUS! And I don’t suppose I can even remotely hope for money to cover THAT. But… I toddle along… Life… only here to observe, NOT participate. Soon and very soon… I’ll be checking out.)

Wed.2.Dec: 7.52 Up and at the book – Tired and weak. Not eating. I was so tired this morning that I let 2 alarms go and woke at about 7:00… and got back to work on the book. – At about 13.00 I stopped by to see Jacquie who was in the midst of cleaning the house and then got into decorating for Xmas and wanted me to stay to help! I left at about 14.30… and didn’t really decorate. I’m not in the mood. – I get back to the pit and Lyle says that Bob wants me to get their tree out of the barn and decorate it! I still have to get the mushy pumpkins off the front of 2 houses! Fuck me!- Back to the book until about 16.00 when I got invited to dine on 1 chicken wing thing and some tater tots. – And back to the book. – The book: FUCK! PAIN IN THE ARSE! The fucking programme kept changing my alignments. Then it DOESN’T keep the “borders” round the images! EXCEPT in PDF. Well… I tweaked and got a PDF and was THRILLED… UNTIL… the fucking headers were OFF! SO… back to ANOTHER version… and THEN… the fucking computer froze on me! So I went for a smoke and when I came back… THE IMAGES WERE OFF AGAIN! THE FUCKING SOFT-WARE RE-ARRANGED THEM! MORE WORK! UNTIL….. (see tomorrow)

Thu.3.Dec:
JOURNAL DAYS IS PUBLISHED!!!!
1.11 JOURNAL DAYS is DONE! PDFs all over the place… on TWO Flash drives and the lap-top! The PDFs are nice. The original document is probably fucked. But the PDFs are what will sell. And now I have to get them up-loaded (and will probably have to get a PayPal or some shit) and OUT IT GOES! This one’s going at 19,99$ and I don’t give a shit. It’s 803 pages… at 8x11inches! IF it gets formatted to “book” it’s going to be A LOT LARGER! Oh well… We shall see. – Browsing and trying for some sleep now. – 3.50 lights out at last! – 10.18! NO WONDER I SLEPT UNTIL JUST NOW! It was almost 4.00 when I finally put the lights out this morning! And I slept deeply, through the alarm. WELL! And I’m feeling like I was hit by a truck! BUT THE BOOK IS DONE! NOW TO GET IT OUT ON THE MARKET! AND HOPE THAT IT’S IN GOOD ORDER! I still can’t get over the fact that both… BOTH Nancy AND Schmulik didn’t bother to edit the first one! A couple of Grand Fux if ever there were. So now I need to pull “Bitter-Sweet”, RE-WRITE THAT ONE TOO, and re-post as “Second Edition”. SHIT! Oh welll.. Oh well indeed. – And there was a bit of a
DREAM: Jacquie insisted that I use the Subaru to go some-where and SHE drove, with me in the passenger eat. We hadn’t gone but several kilometres when GRINDING from the wheels! So she stopped the car, some-where along the Stanley Rd. and there we were… stuck. And the dream stopped. (I didn’t wake out of it though… slept on.) – So there’s much on my mind now. But I must get the book together and OUT by Saturday. I want it on the market by the 5th.
JOURNAL DAYS IS PUBLISHED!!!!
LAST MINUTE SHIT! I was SO looking forward to getting to sleep at a “normal” hour tonight but NOOOOOO! Bloodyfucking OpenOffice/Word document shit. I got everything in order, all the little borders round all the little pictures and… save and GONE! NO borders round the photos! SHIT! OK. Re-do the borders, save and print to PDFAND… the fucking lap-top FREEZES! Had to power-down for a bit. Went for a smoke… and of course, HLS must come along, and that takes all sorts of extra time to “pack the pipe” and shit. Gave the lap-top time though. So I come back and start again… the damned “Export” from OpenOffice works but NOT the BullZIP! Oh well… Try again… AND… I get the thing ready to PUBLISH AND… THE FUCKING THING IS ALL OFF-WACK AGAIN! SCREECHING HALT… RE-RE-DO!!! – WELL! It was already just about MID-NIGHT by the time I got this far. AND THEN… I SENT KRISTIE MARCEAUX (from fesses-book… in Louisiana) A FREE COPY. She’d ordered a copy of “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness” and I told her to get her money back and that I’d send a FREE copy of “Journal Days”. She offered to BUY BOTH… BUT… I sent her off a copy of the PDF for free… via fesses-book! ANY-wayz… NEXT it was getting to get the book to SELZ! AND to try for direct deposit to CIBC! It wouldn’t take the CIBC account with a “U.S.” address SOOOoooooo…. I used Viv’s! (I fore-see HUGE SHIT coming because of this but… I do what *I* must and not “others”.) FINALLY! IT ALL WENT THROUGH! SO… The book it out. The sales are open. Postings to FB, TWITTER, TUMBLR… and it was almost 3.00 THIS morning by the time I was DONE! But…. JOURNAL DAYS IS PUBLISHED!!!! and as I wound the day down, I had a “Twisted Tea” and a bottle of beer to wrap it all up. – Oh… this evening: I GOT INVITED TO DINE AGAIN… SUBS… 4,75$ I’m to understand. ROAST BEEF from the store! (I feel I’m in their debt now but… I ATE!) And JOURNAL DAYS IS PUBLISHED!!!!

Fri.4.Dec:
SALE ON THE BOOK DAVID! MAINE! HE’S AMAZING!
12.46 And I’m at Jacquie’s where I’ve been from since about 10.00 this morning! Fed Hallie, built a fire in the wood-stove because I brought the lap-top with so that I could get my list of passwords cleaned up! I NEEDED to do that! There are TOO MANY “ACCOUNTS” round and about and now, with the publishing back in swing… well. – So… Ms. Hallie’s been in the bed-room all morning whilst I’ve been at the kitchen table, typing away. But with this dreary day, and the 2nd of 3 loads of wash being done, I can catch up with ALL 23 pages of this thing and then get them posted to the on-line journal at last. My “life” has gone to HELL! But today I shall recover… – And I’ve a “LIST” of shit to do at this house: replacing the windows on the back porch, putting the heating wire/tape on the plumbing, re-stacking wood in the garage, and for BOTH houses there are pumpkins and corn stalks that need to be gotten rid of! THEN comes washing the kitchen here! MUCH to do. (BUT… this week, again, Jacquie put 100 into a card.. why? I don’t know… but there’s WORK to be done to EARN that!) – (1.48 on Saturday)
Spent 10-15.00 with Hallie. Washed bed linens clothes then came to the pit B&L “out to dinner”. I made the bed hoovered, FBed, etc. 18.30 to hallie dinner and play came back to the doggies here, ore soc.med. 2 Twisted Teas, they came back about 23.00….

Sat.5.Dec: 1.48 And I’m still awake and there’s a clean bed waiting! Going to try for a NAP! – 8-fukking-40-frigging-5 and I’m just waking to have coffee! NOT mind any one, that I’ve much on the agenda. But! THREE alarms… and I heard all three… and… Oh well. – But NOT again tonight! – 12.13 Didn’t get to Hallie until almost 11.00 this morning, but the kitchen there is clean, and there’s more wood for the stove, and the stove has been cleaned and the floor swept. – I HAVE SUCH HORRIFIC PAIN IN MY LEFT THIGH, DOWN TO THE KNEE! REALLY MUCH WORSE THAN IT’S EVER BEEN! The right thigh is still numb, ever since that EPISODE with my back. Nothing’s been “right” since then. I wonder: Is this the beginning of “The End”? Am I starting to fall apart and into utter uselessness? Oh well, time to make the plans for the “departure”. Perhaps this month? We shall see. – And…. two more Twisted Teas to wrap this night up. I thought I’d be “celebrating” the book being out and about but it’s slow. David K. bought the only copy. And I wonder what Kristie M. is thinking as she reads it. One paid, one free. And now, I sit waiting. And the “tea” doesn’t help with sleep. And that’s something I need more than anything now. I need to get to sleep at a “regular” hour. I need to wake at a “regular” hour But, the another night turns into another morning and as Saturday becomes Sunday… But at the very least, I can say that I did manage to “observe” another Shabbat today, accomplishing next to nothing. – I need to get that car taken care of. I need too, to get to the market. Things I “need” to attend… and it seems, I cannot. That’s the thought at the opening, and the thought at the closing of each and every day… these days.

Sun.6.Dec: CHANUKAH 7.39 Not sure how or why but I’m awake. And slept through TWO fucking alarms again! I don’t know what that’s all about. – A bit of quite a pain in the left hip this morning. And today’s the day I want to get the pumpkin mush and corn stalks away… (and the heat-tape on the plumbing and the window on the porch… and that? not happening, and this lap-top is fucking with me so … Coffee (I need to get to the market too) and the day. – 15.18 Started at 10.00 and…
To Jacquie’s:
Started the fire
Fed Hallie
Took down the corn stalks and shovelled the pumplops (pumpkins)
Swept the porch
Put the storm window in the basement
Installed and glazed the 2 plexi-windows on the back porch
Swept the kitchen floor
Jacquie arrived JUST as I was getting ready to leave, with a fucking 8ft “Christmas” tree! Decided to put it on the front porch but had driven up to the back of the house. Ah… “I’ll drive round to the front so we can get it on the porch.” I CARRIED IT… ALONE! I mean… REALLY! She got off on some tangent, emptying the truck, and there I stood. So?
To the pit:
Took down the corn stalks (saved 5 bundles in the barn) and shovelled the pumplops
Raked the front yard
Swept the side-walk and front stoop
Brought in 14 bags of pellets (hauled 560lbs)
Then:
Totally schwitzed, I TOOK A SHOWER HERE AND USED MY SOAP AND MY TOWEL!
Clipped my toe-claws
and am JUST NOW FINISHED!
I was SO looking forward to getting to the store for some heavy cream to go in my coffee, and perhaps a bowl of rice cereal… BUT NO! B&L came back JUST as I was finishing getting dressed so… NOTHING TO EAT AGAIN! – And I wouldn’t tell anybody else this but I am in SO MUCH PAIN! Left thigh. PAIN! But, nobody’s business. Wouldn’t make any difference for them to know so no sense in saying. – And now… I’m having a nice, hot coffee with the little bit of creamer I’ve got left and, since there’s no chance I’ll get to the store before they close in about 2 hours… I’M FUCKED! and looking forward to going to sleep. –
Steak, mashed potatoes from the back yard, corn for dinner!
30-minute nap I was so worn out
a little more promo on the book and then….

Mon.7.Dec: 1.54 Just finishing another “chat” with David. I’ll be so sorry in a couple of hours. – 8.39 This is NOT acceptable. I did wake to the 6.00 alarm, and then “dozed” again. So much for “regular” hours. But today I’ll get back to them. I hope. No more of this 1.00 and 2.00 getting to sleep. Why do I want to wake at 6.00? I don’t know, really. But “sleeping-in” is UNacceptable. – The pain in the leg is a bit better this morning. I wonder if pushing myself yesterday was “therapy”. Maybe I need to get up and get out and get moving about more. Maybe I should get back to WALKING! Maybe to the market? (I doubt that’s about to happen too soon.) – Oh well… another day… – And this morning’s “Thought du Jour”: It has been written, rather extensively… Vermont is not the place to come to if you want to get rich because that’s not what Vermont is. – 22.58 Wasted day. But took 3 AlevePM at about 19.30 and… still up. Stomach’s BAD. Always needing to shit! Horrible. – Nice chat with David though this evening. And working on more “book sites”. – LAST SMOKE! – Oh… in checking through my e-mails tonight I find: a brief from Liz. “been on my mind”. Oh yes? Well then.

Tue.8.Dec: 7.10 I was fine at the 5.45 alarm this morning but dozed until almost 7.00. And as I dozed, in my head, I was cleaning up on “Bitter-Sweet”. Editing in my drowse. Ca se peut tu? But when I finally got up, it’s been a bit of a misery. Head aches, legs are quite numb this morning. I had coffee, with heavy cream from yesterday. (Yes, perfectly chilled in the room.) Getting down and back up the stairs was “interesting”. I appear a bit “hung-over”. Dragged-out. Not “good” at all this morning. – Well… not to figure what to do with this day. Cloudy, and the thermo out there reads about 40° already. Damp too. Oh well. – 21.53 Just back from Jacquie’s where I’ve learnt that I’ll be attending Ms.Hallie yet again tomorrow. Honestly? People with pets who want no responsibility for them. Oh well. – On the GOOD NEWS… MARTHA BOUGHT A COPY OF THE BOOK TODAY! LET’S HOPE THE DIRECT DEPOSIT WORKS WELL! HELLO? CIBC? GRAB THE MONEY AND RUN! – Other-wise, I left the pit at about 14.30 and just getting back to a dark house. They’re both in bed and the back door was locked tight. We’re on “Paranoia” time here. M’s thinkst anyway. I’d like to wash my hands before bed but I think I’ll have to look into some “Clean-up” cloths next chance I get. – And now, a hot lemonade. I’ve take 2 Aleve just to help get back on “routine”. – My bowels are a bit on the “shakes” but better than yesterday. So… a bit of browsing, another chocolate chip cookie and… to bed! Hopefully to sleep. –

Wed.9.Dec: 6.22 And another day commences. And the anxieties of owing almost a year in back rent, the thought that i really don’t reside here, no mail, nothing attached to this address, no showers, not really eating unless invited, and I dodged a meal here yesterday (as I tend to do), not using anything but a bit of electric for this computer and a small light and the radio. It costs them nothing to have me here, and I work round the place. But still. – And the hopes of selling at least 10 books. The car. And another day commences. –
Browse the internet and soc.med.
Check on book listings… I need to take Amazon listings down and promote the new version.
Jacquie went to a “staff meeting” and party in BTV.
I get to attend Hallie again today.
Was invited to pizza for dinner with B&L. I had 1 slice just to “be there”.
Then went to attend to Hallie at about 17.00.
B&L put up their Christmas tree this evening. I simply looked on.
Got a voice-message from Jacquie at 18.44 Did I feed Hallie? Well YES AND I re-started the wood stove duh.
I didn’t bother to reply. Imagine asking if I’d attended Hallie AND you can’t see the wood stove was stoked?
21.30 and I’m off to bed. This day needs to GO away!

Thu.10.Dec: 6.33 Up with the 6.00 alarm to rain this morning. So much for heading to the market as I’d though. I just can’t chance a total break-down in the rain and having to walk back with groceries. Life… strikes again. – As I had my smoke I thought about the time out of work and how to remedy that… leave the state. But how? Yesterday I checked the PO… NOTHING! VT nor NY. This is a screw-up if ever there was. And last night, Xmas gift to B&L. WTF? My “life”. Dismal. And I could use a haircut. Might be able to do so at Jacquie’s this time again. I’ll have to try over there. Oh well. – The calendar on this lap-top is fuckie. I could un-install and re-install, but I want the info on it. Must find how to retrieve that and then muck about with this thing. – Oh well… I’m awake… for…? I do not know. – 21.34 IN BEDAT LAST! And today… !!! I took the Subaru down to Hannaford’s!!!4 jars of coffee, 2 containers of creamer, Camomile, Peppermint, Early Grey and Darjeeling teas! 3 bottles of tonic. 2 pkgs. of cookies. Several tins of Chunky soups and fruits. 2 pkgs of franks. 101$! AND… made it to market and back in a quiet Subaru! And this evening, had 2 corn-dogs and tater-tots with B&L and as I was going to feed and walk with Ms. Hallie-Baby… they put lights up out-side! Quite the day! Not to mention… about 12°!!!!! Even now I’m ON the bed with-out the top on and no mattress heater! Yes, THAT warm! How WONDERFUL! – This evening, meandered a bit through Tommy’s FB page and Geoff’s as well. Painful. I miss Rockaway so much. But here I am. – OH! And before I forget… I didn’t fix the fuckie calendar on this fuckie lap-top but I got the other account up and running again! I’ve TWO presences on this thing now. So there! – And too, brought wood into Jacquie’s kitchen so there’s MUCH for when she returns. – I was back by about 20.00 with all of today’s purchases except the tinned goods. I have to re-do the “larder” tomorrow before they get in there. – Other-wise, I sent off another free copy of the book. The “Free” list is now:
x-FREECOPY-KRISTIE Marceaux
x-FREECOPY-PamelaAlbers
x-FREECOPY-BradyJackson
Well. it was recommended to do so by ALL of the listing sites so… – And now, hot apple “cider” (more like juice)… it looked interesting in the store and to sleep I hope! – I can’t believe I still smell clean after a week. But I feel shitty. Tomorrow… HAIRCUT, LAUNDRY, SHOWER!

Fri.11.Dec: 6.15 I didn’t get to sleep until mid-night last night and yet, was up before the 5.45 alarm this morning. Friday already. Another week… gone. It goes by quickly. – And last night, for last smoke, as I stood out back in the dark with Dixie, the trepidations: There are Muslims being brought into Canada, just some 4-5km North of here, and as I looked into the back yard and noticed how dark it is back there, I couldn’t help but feel a bit of fear. Border Patrol in front of the house, on the road, and darkness in the back. And I wonder… when will they be coming through town… a border town, under cover of darkness… or will they be bold and brazen and simply come through in the light of day? This isn’t a country of strong people any more. And this certainly isn’t a town of strong, stoic people who give a shit about anything or anybody other than self. I don’t believe it’s a matter of “if”… it’s a matter of “when”… and “how”. And I was a bit comforted by all the locks on the doors. These are not “Happy Days”… back in the North Country. WE are on the “Front Lines” now. “They” will be coming through “us”, and I wonder what “us” will do to stop them… if anything at all. “We” need to be armed. How strange… how very strange to have managed to live through so many previous threats, to grow old, and come to this. And I wondered when they’ll be coming through to decapitate the smaller towns, perhaps breaking into houses at night, or walking into the little schools during the days. We here, are the “West Bank” and the “Golan” settlements, and oddly enough, “they” actually are… the “Syrians”, the very ones who massacred the Israelis. Nobody in this town knows what Syrians did to the Israelis during the wars there. And they’re too fucking ignorant to learn and know. These are dark and stressful days. And I am 60 years of age… in a body that’s crumbling anyway. And these are Biblical days… and the Hebrew children must fight… again. History has come round again. And I’ve lived through other wars before today, to come to my own. Oh well, it’s been 60 years… and I’ll fight, not for those who won’t fight for themselves nor me, but for those who can’t. I’ve no ambition to fight for me. I’m old enough to go. I’ve got nothing to fight for, literally. But there are others who truly cannot fight, who have homes, where I don’t even have a house, and those who have “lives”, where I don’t. So, I’ve got nothing to lose, nothing to leave behind. And there’s nothing worse to battle against, than somebody who has nothing… because we do have one thing: the ability to battle brutally… and we will. – Lovely thoughts to fall asleep with… and on the next morning, even before the sun rises, to wake with. – Erev Shabbat. Ca se peut tu? – 14.43 I left this pit at about 10.00 this morning and am JUST NOW, done with the making of the bed and the Hoovering. Meanwhile, B’s “napping” (how nice). BUT… I got to Jacquie’s this morning, got the linens into the wash, got Hallie her breakfast, washed a few dishes, cleaned the wood-stove, brought in more wood, GOT A HAIRCUT! A NICE HAIRCUT!Swept the floors, Washed the clothes I’ve been wearing all week. Checked the (nothing) mail. Got cigarettes (some ditz bitch got a 6-pack of beer and the bottom fell out… not her fault, but the whole fucking store had to stop for clean up and the bitch didn’t bother to lend a hand). And came into the pit… for tea!!!!! At last! – I’m exhausted. And I still have one more load of wash and a shower to get through. Oh well… in about an hour, indeed. I just hope nobody asks me to do anything. – Oh… and whilst at the store? Pam says “Jacquie tells me you’re working on your book!” I told her “Published and selling. Maine to Texas.” “Oh that’s wonderful.” Nobody asks how they can help… like buy a copy or spread the word. Fuckem. I’m also at that point with the soc.med. “LIKE” bull-shit. Few “Shares” and to those who do, I’m so grateful. But seriously? “Like”? BFD! – Enough… TEA TIME! – 20.57 CLEANBED!CLEAN CLOTHES! ALL OF THEM! CLEAN ME! HOOVERED RUG! SPICED APPLE TEA! CHOCOLATE CHUNK COOKIES! AND THE DAY IS DONE!- AND I have to copy the wonderful messages from David. Amazing! He’d posted a meme about driving away and getting away from everything. I replied “I can’t find a cliff high enough.” Somebody replied “When do we leave?” and he replied “After BREAD FOX!” HE’S READING THE BOOK! I WILL keep copies of his messages. – Fesses-book is “shrouding” my account today. Black screen. Probably because I’m out-spoken about the Syrians in Canada. Truly, they make me sick! But… And border patrol is at the Ford yard again tonight. I wonder: for me? I don’t give a shit. I’ll simply “check out”. – 21.10 Charming! No internet this evening. “Limited” or simply can’t connect. Imagine that. I wonder… I’m suspicious. Or… they’re watching TV might have something to do with it. I don’t know if they’re still on the “Dish” or internet TV. One never can tell… – Lyle actually came out with me earlier to have a smoke… he didn’t, just sat and chatted. – Oh well… maybe I should just clean a drive on this computer or go to bed? No “report” to Jacquie tonight then. Oh well indeed, nothing I can do about it. It’s “Franklin”, not me. Not my monkeys… not my circus. –

Sat.12.Dec: 0.37 Just finishing a most fascinating chat with David… and the boots in his profile pic that prompted me to “Friend”? Imagine… ANOTHER ONE! And in MAINE! WELL! Doesn’t that all just figure? Distance. Not that I believe anything much should or would come of it. But, it was REALLY a bit of a shocker to me when the “chat” turned toward that… He was first to make specific references and I said “That answers my question.” When he asked “What question?” I simply sent the photo from his “profile” that I’d saved. And… it all got rolling. He sent me 2 photos of his particular fave, and I sent back my most fave. How strange to “meet” some-one on fesses-book and to be sending such photos back and forth. AND he’s actually reading the book! Said that my “references” were … well, “turn ons”. Either he’s reading into them and aware or I’ve left things in there that shouldn’t be? I don’t know. Looks like I’ll have to re-read! (I don’t want to… I’ll have to “go back there… AGAIN!” and I certainly don’t want to do THAT! – It’s late again. MUCH later than I’d wanted to be awake. I’d like one last smoke… And no I need to try for sleep. –
8.41 DREAM: I was getting out of the Shelter. I was thrilled and yet not so, because, although I was getting out, I really didn’t have any place to go to. It was similar to being in prison: time had been served and I was being discharged, but I didn’t know to where. I had “potential” places to go to, one of which was with Cindy, and I dreaded that terribly. As I stood in the empty dorm, it was clean, almost neat, had large, clean windows. Out-side it wasn’t quite day and not quite night. Over-cast some-what. Dreary. I was pondering where I would go to once out. I could go to Cindy’s, but going back to the woods, the beach (my tree) felt better, more comfortable, more assured and assuring. I pondered the streets, I pondered the park (vanCortlandt), but the woods, the beach were where my mind settled best. – A fellow from a few dorms down the hall came into the room to tell me his news: “Adrian” (or “Mike” or “Denis” or “Charles”… somebody I’d known right along in the Shelter and with whom I’d been friendly but not closely for all the time we’d been in) came into the room as I was getting ready to leave. He too, was leaving the Shelter, but they’d found a place for him, a flat some-where. I went to his room to see that there were many people in it, celebrating his “discharge”. A party of sorts. And he was already packed, pulling a bit of luggage on wheels about with him. He went in, said his good-byes to all and we headed down to the cafeteria where a meal was being served… (breakfast… or… “breadfox” as we knew it). – When we arrived, the general atmosphere was rather “party-like” there too. The cafeteria was large, clean, bright, (Park Avenue Shelter). Many people were there, some from the Shelter and others were there to meet others from the Shelter to take them “home” or at least out of the Shelter. The general atmosphere was almost festive in a manner. It hd been arranged by the Shelter to join people who were leaving with those who were there to get them. I hd nobody there… so I thought. – I was brought to a particular table and seated at a table amongst some others and, unbeknownst to me, Cindy and Tony were there, already seated and had eaten. A stranger seated across from me said that I should look round the table because there was somebody there I knew. I turned round and there were the both of them. Neither one looking too happy to see me at all. Tony simply glared at me, as if in disgust, I could tell that he’d been forced into this situation. And Cindy, rather stone-faced, had an expression that almost spoke “What the fuck kind of shit are you going to pull this time?” – When I saw them, I quietly and politely said “I’d rather stay here or rot in the woods or a gutter before leaving here with you.” Some “social worker-type” woman (Liz, Roz, again, the ambiguity) heard me and, with a “social worker” smile and tone of voice said “Oh don’t be that way, there here to help you, to give you something better.” I wasn’t being sent out to anything “better”… I was being ejected, forcibly, and now I knew that to be the fact. The Shelter wanted my room, my bed, the wanted me out of there to put somebody else in and I was OUT, one way or another. – “We need to talk.” said Cindy coldly. “Yes, maybe we do.” I said, calculating each and ever letter of each and every word. “But I don’t want to talk. There’s no sense in talking. We’ve already talked and here I am, so we know how talking will get.” I wasn’t loud, I was bitter, horrifically bitter. But then, some fellow came to the table, whispered something to Tony and we were told that it was time to leave. – Cindy and Tony left into the crowd and as I got up from the table, John (or Joe… it was rather ambiguous) came toward me and angrily said that there are “things that need to be discussed, brought out into the open” and they had to be discussed NOW. I agreed that there were things that needed to be discussed but I didn’t want to be so bothered because I knew that what-ever I’d say would be turned round, spun and used against me. That there was no sense in “discussing” anything… not with either of them. But we had to leave the Shelter… I truly was being “ejected”. – As I walked along behind John/Joe, I pondered: I’ll go, “talk”, hear what-ever is said “to” or “at” me, and when it was done, I’d head back to the “tree” where all would be much better. – When we got out of the cafeteria it was getting very dark, it was night, and it was rain. We were to meet Cindy and Tony there. But when we got there, instead of sitting there, in the parking garage, we had to go to a car parked at the curb. Cindy was already at this large, rather “boxy” sort of green vehicle, that was parked on a corner of the street. She got in on the driver’s/side-walk side, and I took the passenger side, and as cars came to round the corner, the head-lights from them shone directly in on me, bright… VERY bright. I left the door open at first, in spite of the fact that it was raining. I didn’t want to be confined in that vehicle with her, but as the rains came heavier, I didn’t want the inside of the vehicle to get wet so I closed the door, leaving it ajar so that I could simply get out when I felt I needed to. – I felt very “confined” in that car. – Our “discussion” began with Cindy saying, in a rather angry tone “We need to discuss things now, get them out into the open.” to which I replied “Where do you want to start? Every ‘discussion’ has to have a starting point. So start. This was your idea, not mine. Talking with you only makes ME look like the shit. So go ahead, start where YOU’RE comfortable.” And the cars kept coming, the head-lights GLARING to the point where the brilliance was almost painful to me. She took a deep breath and as she started to say something…. I woke from sleep.
9.29 Well, that took too much time and now it’s time to get up, get dressed and get to Ms.Hallie on this new and dreary day. I don’t want to spend too much time over there this morning, but I want to wash the green jacket. The odour of the little bed-room is coming back into it and I want to get rid of that. So I’ll probably wash and dry it, spend the time there and then come back. – (Approx 1.00 on Sun.) Had dinner with… chicken al fredo… I got the parsley from the little patch behind the barn. Imagine… fresh parsley… in December! I had no choice but to participate this evening because I’d gone down to get to Hallie just as it was done. But there was LOTS left-over so my portion didn’t make too much difference. “We gotta get some meat on those bones!” Bob said as he put the pot in front of me. – I have to add here that this evening, Lyle came out back with me when I had my “last smoke” to chat. He does that now. He’s not smoking because he’s almost run out of weed… and the freak (WHO, by the way, has posted to it’s fesses-book page that, as of today, it’s in a relationship: the “right man has come along”… it’s waiting to move in together, learning to drive, they’ll soon buy a house together…. Delusional fuck, that one there) isn’t here to provide any more. He claims to have a lingering sore throat and other pains, is, once again, displeased with Bob because Bob doesn’t understand that he’s got little energy and has been feeling ill every day of late. (Seasonal depression… I’m assuming.) Then he said “Tomorrow’s Sunday and Bob doesn’t like me to sleep too late and waste it.) I told him: People don’t understand when we get to the point where we actually “can’t” do things… and tossed in that I’ve still not “recovered” from that day of horrid back pain. And for each of my pains, he matched with his own. (As I know… and addressed: People are SO accustomed to seeing me push through… constantly working at something, so when I slow down or stop, they’re quick to say that I’m “fucking off” but that it’s true… I DO tend to work through my anxieties and pains.. until I simply CANNOT any longer. At least I got that much in before we came back into the house tonight.) He also thanked me for not “reporting” to Bob that he sleeps most of the day… unlike the freak. He asked me if his music-playing disturbed me. I told him that it’s his house and that I enjoy the fact that he can enjoy his music in his own home again. Hmm…. He told me that if I “need some quiet” to let him know. I told him that I have a “whole world” to go to for “quiet” but that I’ll let him know if the music’s too loud or something (of course, I won’t).

Sun.13.Dec: 2.06 and just getting to sleep. Lengthy chat with David and “cleaning” the author page on fesses-book again. I can’t stand the ignorance of the Canadians since plane-loads… FEDERAL planes – of these Syrians are coming in! Canada’s got Homeless people and they’re pulling in Syrians! And I can’t understand HOW they can be so ignorant! These people are destroying Europe and yet, they pull them in… by the thousands! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD? Is this “the end”? War will come. I just know it. So I won’t be looking at it any more. I can’t. I don’t want to know. I don’t go to Bedford because of it. Border crossings and such. Well… – At least I got ALL of my laundry done this week-end and Hallie has been taken care of. –

8.06 DREAM:
I was “with” somebody (I don’t know who) who had my interest in boots. We were in a house of somebody else whom I knew and I knew that there was a pair of “Fryes”, some-where in the house so I went looking for them for us. The house was older, built like a barn. The bed-room was up-stairs and I thought the boots were under a cabinet or something in there so I went up. But when I got there, the room was a mess, under some sort of construction and generally out of order. I looked in the closet and thought they might or should be under a counter, in a cup-board that was in the room, but couldn’t find them. Suddenly, there was noise coming from the door to the room. The “door” was more like barn doors that led to the room form the out-side via a long ramp. The door opened and the wife and (Birdie) came in. (Birdie) was on skis that were rigged to be used on dry land. I marvelled that she knew how to use them. “OH! So THAT’S how those things work!” I said as she came in with groceries or something. “Well of course *I* know how to use them.” she smiled and laughed. I had to make and excuse for being in the room so I said something about assessing future work needed (to clean the room up for the owners). I and the other fellow left the house and went out-side. The area resembled the canal at Howard Beach. I was supposed to be leaving, going to someplace un-known. I’d finished the book (“Journal Days”) and was expected to leave when it was done but had no place to go TO, but nobody knew or they didn’t care. There were boats coming in (Dragon Boat?) and one came in to the dock. I knew the owners (but didn’t). They pulled the boat up to a slip and I grabbed a Bustello jar and went into the water to get a jarful. I feigned that it was for analysis, but somebody said “I know what you’re doing.”… getting a jar of water from the canal to take with me as a momento). The water churned from the boat and turned white, as if mixed with paint or something. I got some of it as it was, being careful to be certain that the jar was clean of all else but the water, and closed it and put it into a tote. When I came out of the water, Peter (O’Reilly… from Chem) was there and we walked over to a counter of sorts where payments for something were to be made. (Alvina’s guy… from Chem) was standing at the wicket and he feigned going into his own pocket to get some cash but put his hand into my tote and pulled MY cash out and started to count it up, in front of my face so that I could count it as he did. “You DO know what you did there?” I said and he admitted that he’d done it on purpose. “What is it that you feel I MUST pay and MUST pay NOW?” I asked, not angry, but not happy. He leaned over close to my face and with a smile he asked “What’s the address to the “Spyder Web”? (meaning the “Sypder Hole”) “220” I said. “Jesus Christ!” he said, rather panicingly, “I’ll get the box!” It was understood that either there was a LOT of cash in the box or something that was worth a very large quantity of money and that he wanted me to have the cash. Chris (from RAA) appeared and he was rather annoyed that this fellow was thinking of taking the box and giving the contents to me! “I’ll get it later today…. or tomorrow.” he said, understanding that I really wasn’t in a rush to leave. I was worried because I didn’t want to stay around too much longer but knowing that I had no place that I HAD to go to when I left there… and I woke.

8.23 Up from morning smoke and it’s gone back to December this morning. Crisp out there. Not bad in the room but there’s the “Winter chill”… slightly uncomfortably cool – Now, this morning, I wonder… Why the “Homeless” theme in recent dreams? I wonder. What’s to come? Are these 2 recent dreams premonitory? Or is it from the “chats” before sleep with David? He’s taken by my Homelessness and the fact that so many others, who called themselves my “friends” knew and offered nothing. He repeats that, had we known each-other then, he’d have taken me into his arms and his home. – Oh… and he’s rather fixated on the “Bread Fox” term from that Nigerian “security” guard that early morn. AND he knows the Tappan Zee bridge and Tarrytown/Nyack! He’d been in NYC when he was about 12 years old (and he’s 68 now). We get into the deepest chats. – But me, this morning, I’m feeling the over-dose of sugar before bed.. I devoured another package of those cookies before getting to sleep (sleep… hah!) at 2.00 this morning. Feeling “off” from the sugar. Oh well.. – 8.53 SHIT! The morning’s almost gone already and I heard the kitchen chair move across the floor. Bob’s probably awake. And, from the sounds down the hall… so too, Lyle. The day… commences. – 19.48 I laid down for a 20-minute nap… at about 15.00 and am just waking up. Had a smoke and am back, in jammies, under the blankets. My legs are so sore! My body feels horrid. My guts are gurgling. I heard Lyle come to get me for dinner and didn’t have the energy to wake up. Heard Bob call up also, but again, no energy. WTF is wrong with me now? I wonder. But no, I don’t. The room is cool. Outside is cold, damp, light drizzle. And today, I got nothing accomplished, save Hallie’s breakfast and to start the wood-stove and put more wood on just before coming in for that “nap”. Thankfully Jacquie’s at home. The porch is well-lit. She’s probably up to Jes and Kerry’s. But at least I didn’t have to go back over there and she’s in at a time to feed Hallie her dinner. The house was warm and there’s plenty of wood in the kitchen when she got in. THAT much got “accomplished” today. – I’d wanted to go get pine to make a wreath for the house today. Well… hopefully tomorrow. I’ll have to check the meteo. Right now, a camomile tea and back to sleep. I’m tired enough to go back to sleep. Something’s quite wrong with me. Oh well.

Mon.14.Dec: 4.10 NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT! NYC HOURS. But what a terrible way to get back to them… sleeping from yesterday at about 15.00 through the night. Still… And I wake this morning, on my own, to find Lyle in the parlour, TV on, and sounding like all Hell and Death warmed-over. He’s got a cold. Sore throat and the works. I wonder where he caught it, considering he’s never out of the house. The virus had to be brought in to him. I need to get more vitamin C. No doubt about that at all. And as for me? My legs are still quite sore this morning. Rather numb to the touch, and sore in the muscles. Yes, indeed… a nerve or nerves are probably pinched since that back trouble… probably dying. Oh well. So be it. Bob is still in bed yet. But this day is commencing, and it’s gone back to another rather warm morning… no frost on the windows. I noticed as I made coffee. If there’s no frost or dew on the windows, I know the day is warm. Météo forecast: rain… much rain. Hopefully I can get some greens to make a wreath at least. We shall see.. the morning is young. (But I am not.) –

Tue.15.Dec: 23.19 As the TV blares from the parlour and the temperatures out-side finally slide back int December. It has been a day of doing nothing… nothing at all, save all the up-dates for the postings for the book AND A VIDEO of thanks posted to fesses-book! Yes, I made a video. Let’s see if this makes any difference at all with sales. I wondered how David (who seems to have an “interest” in me… I say so because of his emotional messages… but then again, one never can tell about people these days; it’s nice, and I return the sentiments, but I’ve no interest in such relationships… I’ve nothing to offer and truly, I want no interference in my plans of “leaving”… this town and this life on my own terms) would see “me” after hearing the voice. And… I did the video from a script that I typed, trying to sound sincere and yet quiet with HLS down-stairs. I looked like I was half asleep, squinting to see what I’d typed and enlarged on the screen in front of me. But, it’s done. And posted. And there really hasn’t been much response or reply. So? So… I’ll just have to keep moving along with this thing if it’s to make any sort of income at all. – This evening, I dined… wearing a kippa and having a pork chop. What’s worse? Insulting those who invite you to eat or eating pork? I ate. – After, I stopped next door to the store for a package of cookies and smokes and strolled to Jacquie’s where she and Kerry were having soup and such. I was asked if I’d like a beer… I declined. I was invited to eat… I declined. And the atmosphere in the house was dull, dark and heavy. Of course, it could have been that they’d had beer or something, but I felt as if I’d intruded. And when there was mention of them heading into BTV tomorrow? I left with Kerry, walked her as far as here and we parted. They’ll do what they will tomorrow. I will do what I will. I mentioned having walked to the Clark’s yesterday and when I’d said that nobody was home… typical… no offer to phone or such. Nobody is really any “help” around here. But I don’t give a shit, really. I don’t expect them to be. – Came back to the pit and back up-stairs for more soc.med. time. Everybody seems to be off-line tonight. I got nothing accomplished to speak of save finding some Baroque music I might like to get. I’ll have to get rid of videos on the iPod though. Oh well. – Now? It’s 23.30, the TV is going. When I went out for last smoke, Lyle came out, wanted to know if I wanted to talk. Hey… I don’t sleep in until noon. I’m tired. And I’m hoping for some sleep tonight. It’s going to be COLD in this room when I wake in the morning. – Oh… Oddly enough, when I’d had some of the cookies this evening. that “fire” sensation came back to my legs… AND right arm! Burning. I DO believe I need to get out and walk and such… and my thighs… BOTH are numb to the touch. I’m actually falling apart here. (At last?) – So much for today. That’s all folks.

Wed.16.Dec. 23.48 Up at 7.30 and wasted the entire day on the fesses0-book. But had THE most interesting chat with David today. Once again, the boots issue and how incredibly similar we are where that’s concerned. HOURS of chatting back and forth. And I can’t for the life of me understand why he’s got such an “interest” in me. I wonder.. once again… “plant”? I’ve no doubt on I’m on some kind of “list” with my out-spokeness on politics these days. (I mean, shit. I go for a smoke these days and I half expect to find some kind of so-called “refugees” sneaking through the yard… if not right down the street. Fuckers. Especially Syrians… they’ve killed SO many Jews and Israelis… and nobody in this god-forsaken shit-hole country knows anything about THAT. And now, the one country that I’d looked at as my peace has now gone to the shitter. 1000 of those bastards are up there now! Anyway…) I wonder if David isn’t some kind of “somebody” paid by the government. Oh well… As I think:What can they do to me? Jail? I know how to starve to death (Park Avenue Shelter days). Or kill me? Please… I’m more than ready to go. But, it’s interesting, and IF David is sincere… well… I have to get to visit Maine now. We shall see. – Tonight, thankfully, I had my 4 franks on the remaining 2 rolls. B&L went to the doctor and out and about to Christmas shop. I wish I could think of something to do for them. Hopefully I’ll get in touch with the Clarks and all will go well with them. I can make the wreath they’d like and maybe some garland. – Meanwhile, just up from a bit of TV and peppermint tea with Lyle. He thanked me for sitting with him this evening. I suppose I should do that a LITTLE more often. That too… we shall see. – I’ll have to stop by Jacquie’s tomorrow to see if I’m “on duty” over the week-end. I want to get the pipe heater on this week-end. The temperatures aren’t looking to drop to any-where near freezing but… she invested, I should install. And washing the kitchen too. Perhaps this week-end I’ll get to that as well. – Meanwhile… we shall see where it all runs to, in deed. –

Thu.17,Dec:19.55 Indeed… and I’m in jammies and in the bed after a full day of “publicity” for the book and not much more at all. Images of adverts on subways and Times Square and such, posted to Twitter (2 accounts), Tumblr (2), fesses-book (2). Managed to get 10 bags of pellets up onto the porch and pulled my back out. Figures. And went over to chat with Jacquie before she left today but she was in the shower so I left a note. I’m just back from over there where I fried 4 franks and “borrowed” 2 eggs for my “meal”. But when I went, at 19.30, to the store for smokes (I’m down to 3)… fucking closed! I do so hate this town. And it’s raining tonight. Well, better that than ice… as I say. – I wasn’t invited to “dine” this evening. Hmm…. Good though. Didn’t want to, really. There’s a lot of talk about “money they don’t have” so… – Jacquie left a note this evening (and an envelope which is still over there on the table). Pam wants to know where to get a copy of the book. Ca se peut tu? J’pense pas, moi, là. I doubt she’d enjoy the language, understand the content and besides… I really don’t want it selling in this town. Sooner Richford where there are “people”. – But I got the wood-stove cleaned out and a fresh load of wood into the kitchen. There were 2 pieces left in there. I suppose Jacquie doesn’t bother now. Oh well… she pays me for services and I’ve nothing to say. – It would be nice to get that heating element on the plumbing tomorrow… I’d like to wash the kitchen as well but we’ll have to see how my back is in the morning. I’ve taken 2 AlevePM… waiting for my camomile tea (with lemonade) to steep and cool and I will be “heads down” in a while. – Now for the “Evening Report” to Jacquie and lights OUT! – I’m still pissed about not getting any greens for the house. Oh well…

Fri.18.Dec:8.59 Well, my back feels a little better this morning, since I put off the alarms this morning and dozed until almost 8.00. But now, for some reason, the settings on the Internet connections have change OR the server at Fuklin Tel is down OR the Internet is out here in the house but I managed to down-load 2 copies of “Elisabethan Serenade” (always reminds me of Mum) and when I came back up from my smoke… the connection with the proxy server is out. So… I wonder what’s going on. – Meanwhile, this could/should be my “laundry” day but other than my jeans and such, I doubt I’ll be doing all that much this week-end. I just don’t feel like going through all of that nonsense today. Clothes need cleaning, yes. But linens too? Not sure. – I’ll pfutz with the internet a bit for a while and then get me out of here and try over at Jacquie’s. No doubt, her connections will be just fine. Too bad I can’t get this lap-top to connect over there. But such is life. – 16.27 I’ve spent the better part of the day in bed…. sleeping off the pain in by back and… at about 15.30, Bob pulled to the house, Lyle got into the car and off they went. Me? I toddled down for a smoke, moved the pallets away from the “door” they want to use as a table eventually (?) and pulled the “glass” door from the wood-shed into the porch so it won’t get soaked in any more rain. THEN.. I BOLTED TO THE STORE… French bread pizza for dinner when I get to Jacquie’s later… donuts for this evening and more lemonade for my tea. Back to the pit and INTO THE SHOWER SHOWER SHOWER… and indeed… THREE SOAPINGS! I AM CLEAN! The room is filthy, but I don’t care. The sheets? No washed, but I don’t care. My clothes and body are CLEAN and THAT is what I care about. – Oh… the trouble with the Internet? The computer some-how got re-set for a specific “Proxy Server”! It’s supposed to “detect” automatically… That… after I down-loaded the “Elisabethan Serenade” from Utoob. I wonder… That, and the “Tsu” account. People are fucking shits. Truly. All the hacking and needing to know what everybody’s doing. Fuck them all… and when I put this on the “blog”… FIND THIS MUTHUHFUKKERZ. I don’t give a shit anymore… – Now… a tea (gone cold) and soon… to Jacquie’s. – (And so on the morning after…) I did get to Jacquie’s and for dinner this evening, “French Bread Pizzas” that weren’t worth the fucking money. And after, I took 2 cheap-shit rolls and some of the cheese in the fridge and popped them into the micro-wave. Filling, rather good and tasty for the purpose, Ms. Hallie got dinner by 19.30 and we romped a bit round the house before I headed back to the pit. – A note here: As I left to go to Hallie, B&L were returning from shopping. They’d wanted to get a roast of beef for Christmas dinner.. at Hannaford’s, roast of beef… over 11$/lb! WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK? A 7lb roast was almost80$! Now THAT pissed me off something GOD-AWFUL! Seriously! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? This world is hopeless! Bull-shit at best. Turned my head and stomach. I’ve half a mind to get the fucking thing myself and make up a reason or way… something about Jacquie, or something. I’ll have to see if I can afford it and try m’self. It’s the least I can do for them… considering how wonderful they’ve been toward me of late. – Speaking of which… it seems they’ve been trying to “Friend” my fesses-book account but the requests aren’t coming up. I seem to have 2 accounts under the same name and only one comes up on a search… the one I can’t access any longer because I can’t recall which e-mail account I used for it and the password. Oh well… I’m trying to decide whether or not to let them in. I don’t trust what will be posted to my “time-line”. I might give it a try… I can always delete and block again. We shall see. – Twitter was the venue for the evening tonight though. I want to keep up and get back to that… especially with the book. The book… I need to SELL MORE! And now that it’s cleaned up a bit… Oh… I just don’t know. Pondering a “sale”… mark-down to 15$ for the holiday. That too is a “we’ll see”… – And the night rolled into the next morning… and…

Sat.19.Dec: * * * 8.17 and I slept through the alarms this morning. Oh well… I didn’t get to sleep until almost 2.00 this morning anyway. Got on Twitter and Michelle, from CT was on. I haven’t chatted with her since almost back in the Shelter! Old Days Indeed. – The lap-top had run itself down to shut-off just as I tried to play “Elizabethan Serenade”, and so I plugged it in and tried for sleep. This morning, when I powered-up again… it picked right up and began to play even before I did anything. So I woke to and “Elizabethan Serenade” and * * * SNOW * * * A light covering all over everything. And the thermo reading about 1°C under clear skies. * * * Wiinter is here this morning. I had my coffee and went for my smoke and grabbed an old broom and as Ellie took her morning dump, I swept the back porch and stoop. Yes, indeed, Winter is here this morning. – But I’m feeling like rather total shit this morning. I ate all 6 jelly donuts before sleep last night. Yes indeed… too much sugar. Sugar is what’s killing me in the mornings. Almost like a hangover. So, I learn… Must NOT do that again. No more sugar over-dosing before sleep. I wonder what the situation is with my body. But I don’t want to know. Just control it myself. – And so, as the “Elizabethan Serenade” continues, and memories of Mum… the day comes to an open. – I’m sweating though in the 18° in the room. Sugar too? Oh I’ll just have to control that m’self. Meanwile, Ms. Hallie’s over there and in about 30-45 minutes I’ll have to get this day running and rolling. Some day maybe I’ll be able to relax… though I doubt it. – My back’s still “tight” too. Can’t afford that shit either. – But last night it was interesting on Twitter… I just let it all rip. There’s a new “hash-tag”… “HomeGrownRefugees”… All about the Homeless. Makes me sick to see all these people hopping on the band-wagon.. people who, only some years ago, as I posted from the Shelter, didn’t give a shit about the Homeless. And now? Because of the “refugees” coming into the country, they’re all about getting their “likes” and shit. Fucktards. I pissed some of them off, but I don’t give a shit about them either. I don’t give a shit about too many too much any more. Not any more. – 8.37 and this morning is rolling away from me as the “Elizabethan Serenade” plays on… through this chilled and snow-dusted morning. – 20.22 Just back in from actual FUN! (I’ll pay for it, I’m sure.) Had “chicken and rice” thing with B&L… a spin on Mama’s recipe. Good… but not hers. Still, I ate dinner tonight. And tonight, I’ll have a beer (or 2) “borrowed” from Jacquie tonight. But as for the FUN… After dinner I watched a bit of the “Gremlins 2” movie and then went to Ms. Hallie where… she had dinner and I swept the steps of the SNOW!!!! AND… when she’d done dinner, she and I came to the pit to sweep the front walk, stoop, gallerie and the back as well. Hallie and I! And THEN… Hallie and I played snow-balls for a while and she got a couple of treats, I sent a message to Jacquie and came back to the pit to take Dixie and Ellie out for SNOW-BALLS! Dixie LOVES playing in the snow. AND… AND… I now have about 4 different versions of “Elisabethan Serenade” on the iPod… Instrumental, German, Dutch or something and an English “pop” “Only For You” and they’re all on my “PlayList”!!! And I played them, with the little speaker, all the while I was with Hallie AND sweeping AND playing with the 2 here! SO WONDERFUL! MAMA? I MISS YOU! This tune reminds me so much of you. – And now… even though the temperature in the room reads 20°, it’s chilly in here today and this evening, but, I’ll be under the covers shortly-enough I should think. I’ll need smokes tomorrow but there’s enough for tonight. But if tomorrow is anything like today… I want to get up and out early. I want to get up to the Clark’s and see about greens too! Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to get some and get the wreath done? I can “hope” (being the shit that I am). –

Sun.20.Dec: Up at 7.30, out by 10.00. Stopped at store for smokes. Jada says she was ready to quite the PO on her first day. GOOD! – Got the fire going at Jacquie’s and swept snow from in front of her place and the pit. Did a bit of fesses-book there and just back not too long ago. Cold rice cereal with creamer. Having a coffee and ready to nap. Sky clear. Not too cold. A bit of snow left on ground. Jacquie will not be going to “Canada” but to her daughter. Will be interesting to see when she returns to her responsibilities in HER house. – I have a door-key to 2 houses…. and yet… no “home”.

Mon.21.Dec: 8.03 Feeling incredibly run-down this morning. Just incredibly run-down. I wonder why. – Well, the day went along as days tend to do. And for the most part, indeed, it went along on-line, making more images for the book, and posting them round and about. The 2 Tmblr, Twtr, fesses-book accounts (6 there) and the WP Author’s journal. I created a “page” on fesses-book for it and such. If nothing else, I’m cleaning the “searches” up to reflect little or nothing more than the books. This is good. – At about 15.30, I was invited to have a bowl of cabbage soup with B&L and at about 18.30 I went over to visit with Jacquie to help her print itineraries and such for her coming flights and holidays. Stayed until about 21.30 again. But there, it seems that I’m quite the “thing” for Hallie. Jacquie told me that at one point this evening, she, Hallie, went to the back door and whined a bit… just shortly before I arrived. Well, when I did arrive, Hallie was SO playful and such. “She missed you!” says Jacquie. Ah… Hallie there, Dixie here. The dogs love me. People? Not so much. – Anyway, I had a beer and came back to the pit for the night and a late night to bed again… after mid-night. – Shister turned 55 today. Good for her. The kids are getting old. Serves them right. She’s probably going grey, Jn’s probably gone bald as Jo. And as I “run down” they to will be following right along. Bravo. Me? I just loll through this existence… waiting for the last breath… may it come… This Winter would be nice. – Winter… it rained all day again. No snow. And the temperatures rose again. Warm… Winter… I don’t know.. – Oh… and again today… no greens for decorating. Oh well. Oh well indeed. – Note though: Pam still wants a copy of the book, so I gave Jacquie the info on how to get it. Seems Pam works with ex-cons… so the book might not take her by such shock… and if she buys and is shocked… probably for the better. – I calced the difference in the conversion from CAD to US: There should be something round-about 53CAD in the account as of now… bring it to US and… 31US… a loss of 22 which is a sale of one book. It actually comes to about 14US per sale which is probably what it would be even with-out the conversion… after the fees ad such. Oh well. Oh well, indeed.

Tue.22.Dec: WINTER 8.51. – 9.11 (teehee) a tractor just passed on the road out front, pulling a “crate” full of school kids. How very cute. Oh… enjoy it all now little ones… your days of such joy are numbered. When, thanks to your parents, this place is given over to Sharia, you’ll be under the oppression of a people who hate you today and will despise you tomorrow. As for the rest of us who know what the world SHOULD be… we’ll all be dust… “a man who’s heart will soon be clay”… Enjoy it now, whilst ye may. – 23.37 Tea. In bed. 23° in the room! 23°!!! Fog out-side AND… the irises in the back flower-bed are sprouting! NOT GOOD! Lyle was just telling me that somebody over at Jay Peak has already tapped 10 drums of sap for sugaring! That’s not supposed to happen until February! And as much as I should enjoy the warmth, instead of freezing in this room… I’m not comfortable with this on so many levels of the issue! But hey! Maybe THIS is the Winter that should be my last? I wonder… Maybe. I wouldn’t mind. David might… he seems to be more involved that I don’t know. But… I’ve lived long enough to know better. Oh well. – The car. 9 more days… no more. – I’ll finish my tea and tomorrow I’ll force me to get up and out of bed with the alarms… re-set my “clock”. The days will be getting longer now. “Winter” is here. It’s hotter than hell. The world is “wrong”. Everything is just… WRONG.

Wed.23.Dec: 7.44 And I didn’t get me up with the alarms this morning. But yet, it’s still before 8.00 on this delightfully warm and foggy December morn. 21° in the room and I’m in a bit of a sweat. The pellet stove was empty and I put in a bag. Better to have the choice of “on” or “off” than to listen to “Could I ask….” Thanks to Margot, that still bothers me. I know Lyle can’t manage a bag and I wonder what would happen were I not here. But it’s that “favour” thing. It’s not “them” here… it’s the remnant of “that thing” there. – And the thoughts of the morning: I could still make the wreath for the house, and I actually could make the tourtiere if I wanted to and other such thoughts.. only thoughts, nothing more. – It’s too warm… ca se peut tu? Just too warm this morning. – 22.20 Well… another day gone… another WARM day to end them soon. And more PR work for the book, but now the fesses-bookers are “sharing” round so maybe… I can only hope. – The pellet stove went out this morning and it took over an hour to re-start it this evening. Pellet stoves are a pain in the arse, compared to wood. But B&L took care of it calling the dealer McOuins or what-ever and that charming young fellow who I see at the store from time to time came by to check (with his little daughter) and all it well. Actually, the stove caught JUST AS “Jason” knocked on the door. Timing was hysterical, to say the least. – B&L with their “high shit” phones… voice activated, telling the damned things to “call McOuins” and the pieces of shit don’t. Technology and money… people are ridiculous. – I saw Jacquie twice today. This evening she sent over a Maple&Sugar&Walnut pie and we had the chance to chat a bit over some cheese, crackers, some kind of sausage and a beer and then tea after. – Tomorrow she’s making tourtiers, one for the house here and I get to “live my week-end life”… laundry and shower! YAY! – This room is filthy. I’ll need to get the Hoover to it. – But for tonight.. OH RIGHT… this week I MUST do the bed linens too. Oh well… – B has off tomorrow for 4 days. And I need to find a way to keep away form here and any “festivities”. Christmas… fukkitall.

Thu.24.Dec: 9.43 At 00.56 this morning, the fucking idiot in front of the store, radio blaring!!! again. Fucktards. – Anyway, slept until about 8.45! NOT happy about that especially since B. is off from work and this morning? Attacking the little back room down-stairs. So my morning commenced with lifting furniture to bring down from the “Media Room”. Oh well… Yes, I’m in a bit of pain. No, it won’t bug me because I don’t care. – Stepped out for a morning smoke: WARM! 15°/60° AT 9.00 IN THE MORNING? WTF? But tonight the temps are supposed to plummet so I’ll say nothing. It was again, 23° in the room last night so… – And so this is Xmas eve…. BFD. – 22.46 There are pellets for the pit, and a stack of wood for the house. The dishes over at the house are done. – When I’d gotten to Jacquie this morning at about 11.00, she’d put about 5 tourtieres together but hadn’t baked any. She even made one for here, but I’ll have to bake it… when I get around to it. – Well, she left, I came back and got to the publicity stuff for the book which took me until about 16.00 when I went back to Hallie (when I did the wood in the kitchen and washed the top of the stove and the pots on it). By 18.00 Hallie had dinner and I came back to the pit just as they were having pizza. I was offered a slice but declined and came to the room to sweep. It needs Hoovering but… – At about 19.30 I went back to the house to fry 4 franks, had 2 with rolls and played out-side with Hallie for a while. The night is still warm (8°) the sky is crystal clear and the moon-light is magnificent! – Back at the pit, I snuck into the room and got back on-line for a bit, chatting with David. OH! I received his card at the PO today! (I have slight trepidations about him though… I do tend to think he’s running this into something that I have neither time nor patience for. But I hope I’m wrong.) It as a delight to receive. – Back at the pit then, did a bit more publicity and chatted with David and just went for the last smoke of the day. – Lyle came out to the back porch and had the fucking audacity to say “I guess Jacquie didn’t send over a meat pie.” I told him that it had to be baked and asked when they would be having it. His reply; I was going to have a slice now. Yep… same shit… “ME!” that’s all these people know. Oh well, when I get round to it and I won’t be in any particular rush. – The Aleve are kicking in so it’s time for lights out. – I hope I wake with full energy tomorrow morning. I’d LIKE to get that kitchen ceiling washed. –
To close out, here’s something I’ve posted to “my” fesses-book…

From the Department of Funny Shit:
So… When someone says “We’re having Christmas dinner at” thus-and-such time, “Why don’t you come join us?”
And I reply, kindly, humbly and sincerely “Oh, thank you for the offer but I truly don’t enjoy all of that sort of thing. And I’ve got many other things I’d planned on getting done on Friday.”
WHY and HOW is it that by graciously and thankfully declining such an offer…
I am being “selfish” and “ungrateful”. But THEY are perfectly with-in their rights to IMPOSE their sentiments and celebrations on me. I am being horrid. THEY are being “kind”.
Seriously. WHAT the actual fuck is wrong with people? I don’t know that I don’t want to dine? I’m not of a sufficient mental capability to be able to know that I don’t want to “celebrate” such things as I consider nonsense?
At this point right here and now, I’m actually contemplating joining ISIS. People’s demands are insulting to me, an affront, as dictatorial as Hitler and Napoleon combined. And I should very much like to know WHAT gives such people the idea that THEY have such rights to such judgements AND impositions.
That being said: Merry Christmas and rather than decking any halls, right now I’d MUCH prefer to deck a few shit-bags. Fa-la-la-la-la la la la la.
And there you have it.

Fri.25.Dec:

6.25 Last night I slept with-out the jammies top on and, again, during the night, the sweats. Bob was just saying, during the week, that he too, has sweats during the night. But I wonder what it is that causes them. Hmmmm…. Well, what-ever it is, I get them too. Thankfully, they’re not the sweats that I used to get at the Shelter, those sweats with the “pung” or what-ever it’s called. Then again, they’re not loaded with lead, I suppose. – Ah, “Christmas” morning, this one here. And my first thoughts are about washing Jacquie’s kitchen today. I need rags to do this and she doesn’t seem to have any. Had she not tossed all those t-shirts that she put on Hallie, I could have used them. But no… people don’t “think”. Funny, I’m 60 years old and still, people don’t think. – And today, I’m expected to get over to the house and have Hallie “open her gifts”. I’m not in any mood this morning. Took 2 AlevePM last night and although they may have helped with the sleeping and such, I’m groggy this morning in a sort of way (after a fashion, as Harry would put it). – Oh well. We’ll see what we can get accomplished from this day. Laundry is definitely on the top of the list… bed linens and such. For so many others, there’s other nonsense… gifts and the likes. For me? Avoidance of all that bull-shit. And 6 more days of being able to almost slip (if possible) by with the car. Oh well. And no job. Oh well. My life. Fukkitall. – Going to work a little message to Austin Smith. I can’t bitch about things. She’s a 10-year-old… with cancer. I’ve nothing to bitch about. – Merry Fucking Christmas…. there’s a child, suffering… Christmas. Nice world we live in here. – 24.30 Techinicaly, it’s the 26th but I’m just getting into bed… CLEAN ME! CLEAN CLOTHES! CLEAN BED! AT LAST! – Left the house here at about 9.00 and went to Jacquie’s and there… got RIGHT INTO WAHING THE KITCHEN CEILING AND WALLS. ALL DAY! DONE! UNTIL ALMOST 16.30, at which time, I unashamedly hit her vodka (what was left of it), “borrowed” here orange juice and with the first liittle drink, took my shower. I’d done my own linens and lundry whilst washing thekitchen. 1/2 cup Clorox, 1/2 cup “Clean Up” and half bucket of water.. for 5 buckets. But… it’s done! Then, showered and had 2 more screwdrivers to polish off the vodka. – Bob and Lyle had their Christmas dinner together. And I’m glad they did. I wanted them to have their holiday together. They deserve that much after all they’ve been through. – When I came in, we had he sugar pie that Jacquie made. I tried to make the tourtiere at Jacqie’s but wasn’t sure about the oven. I turned it on an it clickedfor the starter but then went “fwoomp” and I turned it off. I’ll have to as her which dial, since there are two. – Anyway, Bob went to bed, Lyle and I watched a nice “Love story” sort of Gay movie with horrible acting but a rally beautiful story. I brught the dogs out. The full moon is brilliant tonight and the air is starting to chill. – Beofer getting here, I had a lovely sob tonight listening to “Life In A Northern Town”. Here I am, where I want to be, but I need to get alone… and get out of this “world”. I can’t get any more “North” with-out being “South”. It’s SO time to get the fuck out. – And so, it’s Boxing Day, 00.39 and I need to get some sleep. – All day’s intake was a coffee with half’n’half, a “dinner roll” and the screwdrivers. I just had a small egg nog. I’ll be sorry when I wake up.. no doubt. – But I MADE IT THROUGH CHRISTAMS! Now to hope to make it away from Sunday. But I think the reference to the “selfishness” when I sent the “Evening Report” might help… I doubt it, but I have plans for Sunday and none of them include dining with the likes of Franklin. – Falling asleep here. Hopefully I just will.

Sat.26.Dec: 20.37 and in the bed, hot tea at the side and ready to close this day. I woke, finally, at about 8.00, feeling not to much the worse for yesterday’s working on the ladders and such, nor for the total intake of 1 small dinner roll and 2 screwdrivers. But my mood was heavy and sharp and edgy. Got to Ms. Hallie by about 10.30 and served breakfast and not much else. At one point, she and I were in the yard and B&L had the gals out too. Dixie and Ellie were barking at Hallie (because she and I were in the yard of the phone company) and L. yells over to me “She’s telling you to kill the bitch!” meaning Hallie. Fuck you really. It shoved my mood over the edge. So I went back into the house, took the fucking tourtiere out and put it into the oven there and cooked it. It turned out quite nice, I must say, then, still hot, it went into a pie basket and I brought it over. Some guy was here today, looking at some furnishings and the likes to buy. B&L are selling-off some of the “stuff” that they can get some cash for. Well, when I walked into the kitchen, I took the tourtiere out, put it on the stove with “compliments of your neighbour who’s moved on from last Summer.” First words out of Lyle’s mouth instead of “Thanks”: “Does she have any more nice pie dishes like that?” ZING! “I don’t fucking know.” and I came up to the room to try and sew the “Arbres” tote back together. Bob came up moments later to ask if I was seriously angry and I told him that I’m just tired of all the politics that I get dragged into in this town. He and I laughed about “Flatlanders” and the likes. I think it blew over, and yet, made the point. Apparently, Lyle is quite bent about my association with Jacquie because Bob told me that he (Bob) had to point out to Lyle that they have no business saying anything about my “friendship” with Jacquie. Seriously? Fuck you! And Fuck Off! – Well… I worked on the tote. Then worked on the white cotton sweater with all the holes in it and then… went to take a “nap”… 3 hours! I truly was exhausted. And I had some sort of DREAM:
I was in a banque where I knew the employees and was visiting somebody. I was doing some of my own business as well whilst there. It got to closing time and I was still there but some gal I knew had to run out for something at a deli so I went. BUT I left my back-pack and couldn’t remember where I’d put it. It had all of my important papers and house keys in it so I needed it. But there was no way I could recall where I’d left it. So we were starting back, because she said she knew somebody in “security” who’d find it. But as we walked back, along the highway into town, she walked along normally, at a brisk pace and there was something, a wind or just air pressure that slowed me down terribly, fought against me. No matter how hard I tried to move forward, it held me back. I woke, frustrated and annoyed and rather exhausted.
Anyway… after a bit more sewing, I headed to the store for a pack of smokes and was going to get something to eat but noticed that B&L weren’t even in the house. Of course, the guy bought something today and they had money so they were OUT to SHOP! So I got a pack of smokes and came back to sew some more until about 18.30 when it was dinner time for Ms. Hallie. – There, I nuked 4 franks and had 3 on rolls and one as-was. Then Ms. Hallie and I did the rounds as usual. The night is over-cast and chilly tonight. Then we came back into the house where I browsed my fesse-book and sent evening report to Jacquie. When it was all done… I left little Ms. Hallie… but put the little heater on in the kitchen just to keep the chill out. Tomorrow morning, I want to be there early and get the wood stove going to keep it warm. – And I have to figure a way to dodge the “dinner”. We shall see how that works out. – Right now, I’m hoping for a good night’s sleep. I’m cramping in the guts something terrible tonight. – One more week of having a car… and then….

Sun.27.Dec: 8.22 Another “Aleve” morning here. Groggy. Run-down. Raining. Not too cold. 40° on the thermo. And I woke with the 7.00 alarm and dozed for an hour And… a DREAM:
Post Office. Daylight. I was in my jamie-sweats, waiting to be picked-up by somebody. I was there for some reason, waiting, but I’d been fired, quite a while before then. My ex-PM was a large, Black woman who’d already hired some trashy little White woman a few years younger than I. PM and her new “toy-gal” were getting all chummy as I sat there. A shipment of supplies had come in and with them, some sort of little pill that the PM raved about. The pill took away all sorts of “background noise” and made the day’s work “so much easier”. When they opened the supplies, she couldn’t find them but then, there they were. The PM took the package out and gave her new clerk a pill to try. Oh, when the PM took one she instructed “You put it up in you cheek as high as you can get it.” and as she did, she made a little “schmatzie” noise, as if they actually tasted good. The clerk took one and did so. “Oh these are wonderful.” said the PM, and the clerk said “They don’t a thing for me.” I looked up at the PM and said “All great things eventually crumble to pieces and head straight for Hell. I’ll be looking for your name on that list.” I was sitting beside the desk, looking out the window for somebody or something. “Oh really? Will you?” she said, smiling condescendingly. “Yes. Yes I will.” I said, “You deserve that. You’re a liar and you know it. A lying bitch. And I say so because it’s a fact and now there’s nothing you can do to me about it.” And she continued to smile and go on about her business. I got up to leave, not wanting to be in the office any longer. But on my way out, I stopped to shake her hand, congenially. “You did what you feel you have to do and I not only understand, but I KNOW what you do.” And I looked at the clerk, sitting desk-side, and calmly said “She’ll do it to you eventually, because she’ll believe that she has to. That’s her job here, to protect herself and make certain that she looks perfect at all times.” We all smiled, I left….. and woke up.
Now, at 8.34 I wonder what brought that dream on. – I want to go back to sleep now, but I want to get over to get Ms. Hallie her breakfast and to get he wood-stove going over there. The pellet stove here is out again. The house and this room are chilled but not “cold”. – The plate for the sugar pie is sitting at the corner of the kitchen counter… not washed. I wonder who finished that. Oh well… I had a small piece anyway. And still… these two are thankless. This town, this house, these people are annoying me yet again. Entitlement. And that I was called “selfish” because of declining tonight’s dinner. – I need to get out… of here, of this state… out… and away. And I need to do so quickly and soon. But how? I must figure out how… quickly… and soon. – 21.54 MADE IT! NO DINNER AT JACQUIE’S! – I DID get the kitchen table cleared, the stove up and burning, the dishes all put away, the floor mopped clean. The kitchen was a delight when I left. No doubt though, that it looked as if nothing had been done with-in moments after, but I know what it looked like and I took photos. Why? Why not? I left there at about 11.45 and came back to the pit where Lyle got into the tourtiere for 2 slices and Bob had one. There’s half left. And as I think, I got a tiny slice of the sugar pie and none of the tourtiere. But… that’s me and my life. BUT… Bob and Lyle wrote a nice card and Lyle wrote a note to Jacquie and they washed the pie plates. They’re making amends. I can leave this town with folks being nice to each-other. Time to move on I suppose. – I had a bit of dinner with B&L this evening. A butter-cup squash that had little in it but it was enough, 2 ears of corn and a chunk of their ham because… Hungry? Yes, I am. But not too much so. – And I repaired the Arbres tote.. I think. I stitched it back together and put some glue on the stitches. I hope it holds a while longer. “Home”, Sutton, from Richford. I’ve so little of anything that means much to me… so little. – Then watched 2 movies with B&L this evening. – Oh… and we got some snow today. But it’s frozen now. Can still see the grass in the yard, but there’s some white. Rumour has it there’s more on the way. – And so, now, camomile tea steeping. I’m tired only because I should be and not tired because I don’t want to be. – And I need to get to the market for some “provisions”. – Tomorrow, I’ll face the music and have to listen to the story about the dinner this evening. But the fact of the matter is: (a) I don’t want to be all that social with anybody in this town and (b) “selfish”… I won’t let that one go. Jacquie got her 2 rooms cleaned and back to useful, the plumbing in the back yard is repaired, the kitchen walls and ceiling are clean, and she’s come home to a clean house eery week-end, Hallie hasn’t had to go to a kennel and she’s been taken better care of with exercise and such than the “care” those twats up-stairs over Jacquie ever gave her, and each week-end there’s been a fire in the wood stove and plenty of wood stacked in the kitchen, she and hers got food all Summer into Autumn from the garden… I did a LOT, oh, and the lilly-beds too. Yes, I’ve done quite a bit for this fucktard town… Time to move on… no regrets. Where to? I don’t know. When? Not soon enough. But I was here when needed… The only “need” anymore is that Lyle shouldn’t be alone too often too long. So there too… I’m watching the house and him and the dogs here. I’m certainly neither “selfish” nor useless. – And now… to check-in with David and then, tea and hopefully… sleep.

Mon.28.Dec: 6.22 Awake. And can’t think of a reason “Why”. – Imagine… me… being called “selfish”. I should remember the source and let it go. What a total turd I’m being, to allow it to have such an effect on me. – Burt’s out there, scraping the ice and snow off the road out front, at this hour. In the morning darkness. Oblivious to those who aren’t awake at this hour, who don’t have to be awake at this hour. – I’m selfish. – A new day begins. I need to get to the market. I need to take care of the car. I need to move along. I’m selfish. – 16.31 Here we are, in the house alone, after a rather interesting afternoon chez Mme. Jacquie who, although gave me a pair of Carhart jeans (in my size, ca se peut tu), proceeded to clean the ceiling fans in the kitchen whilst I was there AND then took the spray bottle of “Clean-Up” to the ceiling by the stove! It wasn’t clean enough… NINE hours… not clean enough. So, we add that to the “selfishness” and all is well and done and I must get me the actual fuck out of here and away. THEN I come back to the pit at about 15.20, having lent a hand with the fans cleaning to find HLS hauling a bag of pellets into the house. Seems the stove ran out “5 minutes before Bob called.” Oh well… I took the dogs out… AND THEY HAD TO PEE!!!! Probably not out since last night when *I* brought them out. INCREDIBLE! These people are simply miserable! The lot of them. – Anyway, B&L are off to St. Albans for shopping and probably a bit of dinner. I’ve Hoovered in the room, filled my water bottles, gone to the next-door-store for bread, mostly, empties the UR bottles and am trying to settle a bit for a while. Rumour has it we’re getting snow tomorrow. We shall see when/if. – When I powered the lap-top up just now, most of my programs and such didn’t come up. I wonder who/what’s been eating at my files. Fesses-book, I’ve no doubt. Fucking shit that. But… it is what it is. – And now I’ll check to see if Ms. Pam has purchased the book or not. I don’t expect her to. I don’t expect anybody to. I need to find another PR venue… I must research. Snow tomorrow will lock me in and the act on the ceiling next-door doesn’t make me want to go near there. AND… there are plans for Thursday night, “New Year’s Eve” so I have to dodge here and there. Oh my! – I’m tired. – (Tue. morning… WHAT a “chat” with David tonight! Until about mid-night. I can’t believe this but the whole “boots” thing? Seriously… I’ve met my match! WHY NOW? After all these years AND at a time when I can’t get to go to visit and such? Why? Silly me. Because… it’s ME, that’s “why”. Oh just fuck my life. Anyway and other-wise, it “appears” that he’s a bit “too much” into “me” for some reason and well.. being over there in Maine, I suppose that might have something to do with it. Well.. there’s distance… and time. And imagine me… no longer the “romantic” one. Time… Now… at this juncture in my existence. Well… we shall see. – Meanwhile…

Tue.29.Dec: 6.08 And… * * * * * S*N*O*W * * * * * indeed. It’s rather blust’ry out there this morning. Bob’s left for work in spite of it all. Lyle is ensconced in the parlour in front of the TV. I’ve been out for my smoke. My stomach’s a bit “off” this morning because I managed to eat the entire loaf of raisin bread yesterday and last night. And I can’t help but laugh: all of those “Syrians” in Canada… in this snow! HAH! Serves their sorry arses right. – Oh well. Even as Lyle and I just discussed: What Canada doesn’t seem to understand is… folks joke about “Red-necks” in the South, but we, of the North country, aren’t much different and with all of that trash being brought in and dumped at our borders, this will not go well for many, if not most of us. – I have to get to the car to get the snow shovel today. Sneaking into the car some-how. But tomorrow’s supposed to be warm again so… we shall see. We shall see. – It’s 16° in here this morning. The little heater is on for a bit. The wall seems to have shifted last night. The paper is off-kilter again. I wonder. Not really, but… – 21.44 In bed at last. But with a HORRIBLE tooth-ache, bottom-right. When I chewed on the “sausage pattie” at dinner, something made a “crunch”. I wonder… one of my toothpicks pulled something out from between the teeth. Pork. Not supposed to eat that shit. – As for the day? Well, this afternoon, I went over to the car and got the snow shovel from the trunk. Jacquie was at home. (She’d called and left a message at about 14.00 to say that she moved the truck… somebody came and plowed the drive.) But I went directly to the car, got the shovel and had at the snow. The front of the house and the back, including the porch. I almost dread to think what this snow is going to do to the wood. But… The snow isn’t “heavy”, I did the best I could with-out ruining my back. I wonder if I’ll ever get that back to normal again. Since that “episode” of pain, nothing’s been correct. But there’s work to be done and… I do it. I can’t help but think: Jacquie isn’t too thrilled with the way the kitchen turned out after 9 hours of working on it. To think she’d got after it as I stood there. Well… I don’t expect to get the promised 15$/hr. I don’t expect to get anything for anything. I don’t expect… – Anyway, I wore the boots I’d salvaged from the dumpster in her back yard over the Autumn. Size 12, Carolinas. The fit water well with double socks and plastic bags. Comfortable too. To think: boots… from a dumpster. Hey! The “Homeless” use what we can. – This evening, I ate another tinned “Chunky” soup when I came in from shovelling. No sooner had I done, I was called to dinner! Well, I did because it was done, and well, I really can use any extra calories. – OH! I noticed today, Pam and Dave DID buy a copy of the book! How wonderful is that? Well, wonderful for the income AND getting the story out more. Now it’ll be interesting to see how I’m received, once they “know”. No matter. I don’t care about this town and the people in it. I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE anyway. – And I “cleaned” my “internet presence” this morning… the “Linked” account AND got rid of the extra fesses-book account as well. (I reported that it was posing as me. I don’t need the second one, wasn’t using it, had no access to it. It was the first effort and never finished. And now it’s gone.) I need to get the rest of the things “cleaned” as well. Why? WTF? Why not? Of course, that’s the account that Lyle put in his “friends request” to. I wonder what that’s going to do to that. He’s mentioned it a couple of times. I have the 2 of them “blocked” on mine. Oh well… nothing to lose I don’t suppose, if they get into it. I’ve got the other one that I spew on… and a couple of back-ups. – And “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness” and the “Sojourner” are off Amazon. No more “Kindle” books on-line. I’ll just re-work and re-sell indie. No trouble there. Better to handle them myself. AND, I can make better presentations, to be sure. – Had another nice and interesting “chat” with David this evening. I wonder about him… all “very close” and compassionate and such. I’m so suspicious of anybody who professes and sort of compassion toward me. Is he desperate? Is he trying to “get into” something? I mean, learn me and then BANG! I’ll find me in cuffs and hauled off to some prison for something? A “plant” of some kind? Or just some kind of “whacko-nut-case”? (I have to chuckle: He’s in Maine… the state where S.King writes such horror/suspense novels about. Could this be….?) Still, the information about himself that he’s divulged truly IS what I’d been searching for most of my life-time. I don’t know. I’ve become SO cynical over the years, trusting, quite honestly, NOT ONE other person. It’s no longer a matter of emotional shut-down… it truly IS a matter of trusting NO one. “Life”, I suppose, will do that. And it has. I can’t help but think of the heart-aches when I couldn’t understand why Denis had walked away from me, seemingly picking up his life and moving on, and how I longed and yearned to be able to do that. And now, here, all these years later… I’ve gone beyond that… I don’t pick up my life and move on… I just don’t have “Life” left in me. Nothing to “pick up”… just nothing left. – “Old”. – AND… on the “news front” today… Canada’s gone and fetched even MORE Syrians. Another 6 planes-full arrived yesterday. Canada… the country I admired for so much of my life-time.. my “refuge”, the place I called “home” in my heart… What a fucking joke! But then again, I can’t help but to think: This country is being run by some shit-bag that allegedly is hated by the majority and yet, is still pulling his bull-shit, running the country into a state of useless shit. And now, Canada too, has a “leader” who pays no attention to the people and simply does as he damned-well please. I don’t like this world any more. We’re all in for a terrible time to come. I keep saying: This is a great time to be “old”… and fully accepting of death and the freedom from being here. The sad part is: I’d always wanted to go “home” to die… I don’t want to be a part of “that place” any longer. If it wasn’t for the fact that I now have my banque there, I’d probably never set foot on “home” soil again. Ah… severed from yet another part of my “life” that meant something to me. Well… no sense taking it to heart. “Move along.” – My sinuses on the right side are murder tonight. I can’t decide if it’s the tooth or sinus causing the pain. And my back is a little “tight” and there’s more snow to come the next several days. Plan of action: take Aleve and hope to wake early tomorrow morning to get the shovelling done before Bob leaves for work. I did a little more this evening anyway, just to “keep up” with it. – Closing the day. Oh… haven’t seen Jacquie all day. I doubt she accomplished much in her own house. I helped her take the ceiling fans apart in the kitchen… yesterday. She’ll have to put them back together herself… I wonder… Either she’ll do it or… it’ll be there on the week-end. She’s got Thursday off this week, going into work on Friday at 9.00 (says she). Oh… it goes back to: I have the door-key to two houses… and yet I have no “home”. It makes no difference. None at all.

Wed.30.Dec: 7.57 Up, but not awake. I took Aleve last night at about 22.00 for the tooth pain and I don’t suppose I slept it all off. Wanted to get up to do the sidewalk this morning before Bob left for work but slept through 3 alarms. Oh well. Can’t go back and do it And it’s cloudy again this morning. Forecast says “light flurries” for the next few days. I need to get into town for foods. But that doesn’t seem to be happening. Oh well. – I want to work on another book. I think I might do the prose again. Not sure why. But I can try. I’ll have to capture ALL of the prose from the blogs. I should anyway. Then perhaps promote it under some “Poets” group on the soc.med.? I can try. – 23.49 AND 23° IN THIS ROOM! I’ve actually been sweating! This is quite incredible, to be so hot in this room in this season. I’m not sure whether I prefer the cold, but 23° truly is at the point of uncomfortable. – Well, at about 22.00 I went down for what was to be my last smoke of the day. David was still on the line. He too, was out for a smoke break. And then… Lyle had already turned-in for the night, so I thought. But as soon as I got to the kitchen, there he was. “The fucking stove ran out of pellets.” Yes… yes it did. I’d brought a bag in round about 8.00 or so and, as is usual, nobody bothered to put them in! Ca se peut tu? Fuck. He claimed that he was going to go out for 2 bags and “stuff the fucker”. Right. No… I went out for my smoke, he put the one bag in and didn’t bother to re-start the stove. So… *I* had to bring in the second bag AND re-start the stove. THEN… the TV wasn’t receiving… “While you’re here, I’m going to go out and de-ice the dish. But I’ll do it while you’re here and awake in case I fall and need help getting back into the house.” Oh yes? My back is stiff, my bowels are in pain (from 3 consecutive days of eating pork which is killing me because my system doesn’t digest it properly. But you go right ahead. Of COURSE I’ll be here to do what might be necessary. And do he did… TWICE because “the fucking bottle won’t spray!”. Well, THAT happened because he had the fucking nozzle in the “Off” position. He tried to open the bottle, pissed and whined because it was closed too tightly. I took it, went into the loo off the kitchen and… SCHPRITZ! Honestly! Between the laziness of the younger and the absence of sense of the elder this place is becoming another “Baldinger residence”. And it reinforces my disgust with and for FAT! OK. So *I* put the other bag of pellets into the stove AND re-started it whilst he toddled out to de-ice the dish. BUT when he came in, he THANKED me for staying there AND for re-starting the stove and we got to chatting. He does, truly need the company and I’m certain that the rather spoiled cold shoulder from Bob does bother him. Still.. spoiled is spoiled and even as we chatted, that all came forth in glory. – We talked a bit about the events of the Summer and the freak. And he’s still pissed with Jacquie… as would be an old woman… but worse… and old, Gay man. And of course, I’ve no patience for that shit either. And he’s still rather nasty about that as well as just about all else. Just can’t accept the being older and in a marriage that happened all too soon. But I must smile for myself. When this “Gay marriage” issue began I knew that this is what the marriages would be. Too many Gay men are NOT mature enough to accept the responsibility. Ah… as I posted to the fesses-book: Another reason why I’m “Single, Solo, Satisfied”. (David read that and apparently took it personally, which again, supports my theories on the maturity. And so it appears that there are still those who, in spite of claims to the contrary, just crave all sorts of relationships… but NOT the responsibilities that come with. But, as is said of late, “that’s none of my business”.) And so, our little “chat session” went into the state of Florida and not being fond of the heat. He admitted that he’s settling-down now that the freak is gone. I should take it as a compliment that my presence isn’t resented. But then again… I don’t “take” from the house-hold, and I don’t linger about, and keeping the door to the room shut, they’re really not heating the area. (When I mentioned the temperature in the room he said “I’d rather you were too warm than too cold.” When I told him how the freak claimed I had the heater running “all fucking day and night” he said “That’s none of his business. If we had anything to say about it, it’s OUR business, not his.” You know… I don’t trust ANY of them. But then, I “trust” NO one!) As we talked, he found the “Author page” on the fesses-book. He wanted to get to the actual “time-line” page but I’ve learnt tonight that I can block from my posts and still give access to the “page”. Well… he DID re-post the book info and complimented me on the graphics that I’ve produced. “You’ve put a LOT of work into this! This page is beautiful!” he said when he saw the “Christmas” graphic of the bed and the quote from the book. I did thank him for the recognition. – Anyway, 23.30 and up to bed to try for some rest and close the night with David who had, but this time, already signed-off. – The rains have come. Thankfully they’re not frozen, as had been predicted. Hopefully they won’t freeze during the night. There’s enough of an ice coat already, but the temperatures seem to be rising out-side… maybe from the heat in the house? Oh well. – I absolutely dread tomorrow… another fucking “holiday”. AND I NEED a new calendar. Not likely to be getting up to Bedford any time too soon for that at this point… unless I take a walk… again.

Thu.31.Dec: 0.56 It wasn’t 10 minutes after mid-night… the TV went on and the volume up to where I can almost hear the words. “Consideration”. – I GOTTA get out! – 5.45 and 20° in this room this morning. Amazing! Equally amazing, I woke this morning, just about as Bob left for work. No alarms. Now, if I can pull through this rainy day with-out a nap, I just might be able to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight… and avoid all the hoo-hah. I can only hope. – But it’s good to be awake early. Why? To face all the anxieties that come with a new morning. Being here. Not being able to use the car as of mid-night. A new year… with all the old anxieties. – (Well… it’s already 8.52 on Saturday… 2nd January of the following year and time to wrap this up and close the fucking year.) – “New Year’s Eve”… Not much to be said for or about it. It was just a usual sort of day. – I worked on the “New Year’s Eve” publicity for the book. Creating images with excerpts so that people can get an idea of what the book is like, then posting those to the on-line soc.meds. – This after-noon, I dropped by Jacquie’s just as a matter of “check-in”… and stayed longer than I’d wanted AND MANAGED TO BE PUT TO WORK. She was cleaning the glass-ware and “tchatchkeles” round-about the kitchen, but she’d never put any of the ceiling fans back together. I honestly don’t know WHAT she does round her own house, but… (And I keep thinking: I’ve got TWO keys to TWO houses and NO PLACE to call “Home”. And the owners of said “houses” do almost nothing to maintain them. Isn’t that lovely though? But for the one, I sleep there, on a nice bed. The other? I clean that one and have it to “escape” to when necessary and in which I take refuge… and get a bit of cash income. So I can’t truly complain. Their irresponsibility benefits… in a small way. I’m with-out a “home” but I’m not “Homeless”… per se… yet. I know the day will come.) And so, she, Jacquie, is going out to some “dinner function” and some “concert” sort of thing this evening and she invited me along. Of course, I declined and told her that I do not enjoy “holidays”. I honestly am not certain why she wants me along for all of these functions, and yes, she’s right, I’m “selfish” but I’ve spent too, TOO much of my life-time pleasing others, mostly at my own expense. No more. Not now. Tough shit if others choose not to understand… nor respect MY wishes. – And so… I left with the understanding that she would be out by about 19.30 or so and I would come back to give Ms. Hallie her dinner… and that she would be back by about 22.00. And so… at about 19.30… I did come back, get dinner for Ms. Hallie. I was invited to dine with B&L again this evening though… Lyle had made a sort of “baked boneless chicken” with a corn-meal crust of sorts. It was quite delicious, I must say. I took the 2 little pieces with a bit of potatoes (the left-overs got tossed to the trash) and some broccoli. Just enough to say I “dined with”. I was still hungry after, but I’m accustomed to that … sort of. – Anyway… dinner at the pit and Hallie fed and such… it was time for me to get back to the soc.med., keep up with what-ever and relax… in a room that’s SO out of order and me, on New Year’s Eve, in need of clean clothes and me. But I no longer give a shit these days. – I’d gone to the store and gotten 2 “Twisted Tea” for me for this evening, in the hopes that they’d help me get to sleep early… it didn’t quite work out that way. – Ensconced at the little desk, on the fesses-book… David for a while and then Matthew! Well! The Matthew chat got into it and rolled along for quite the while! We chatted about the Fort and such. He’s not been back for the longest. Says he doesn’t recognise the paths and such any more. (I sent him a map to 511 because he said he couldn’t find it any more.) He mentioned 413 and how we really should have had a bar in there… even or a night. (He should only know how much of “me” is actually in there.) We touched on that night on the dunes. And I sent him a copy of “Journal Days”. He asked how he could help promote it. I told him he’s mentioned in it. (Maybe that’ll help him promote it, but I seriously doubt it will. People aren’t helpful that way and I don’t expect “help” from anybody. I’m silly… not fucking obtuse.) Well… the chatting rolled on an on and on into the night… later and later and later and…. Just before mid-night, I got invited down to the kitchen with B&L for a bottle of Apple Ale followed, at mid-night, with “the ball” on the TV, by a glass of “pink champagne” to toast-in the “new year”. WoopdieDoo. I did and then sat to watch a bit of a movie with them in the parlour…. – Fucking bloody 3.30 on Friday morning…. and JUST getting to put the lights out! SHIT! THIS is going to fuck the day. But I suppose I’ve met my “social obligations” for the “holiday” and made very nice round the house. But attending to the chores of Friday is going to be difficult at best. It would be nice to simply “nap” and get a nice, timely start. Three alarms set. We shall see. – And, as was said in the Journal for that other “New Year’s Eve” some-what long ago…
CLICK – ANOTHER BLOODY-FUCKING YEAR CLOSED… AND ANOTHER BLOODY-FUCKING YEAR OPEN. WHY DON’T THEY STOP? WHEN WILL THEY STOP? ENOUGH I ENOUGH… THIS HAS BECOME ENTIRELY TOO, TOO BLOODY-FUCKING MUCH. – CLICK. Done… Another fucking year… done.