CONFIANCE * VERTRAUEN * אמון‎ * TRUST

Sun.1.Jun: 7.25 Sun pouring in through the window. Had my first coffee and a second is made at bed-side. cool morning. A soft breeze. The alarm sounded at 5.30. I turned it off and dozed until about 7.00. – June. Summer is coming. I don’t like Summer any more. It is a season where people are thrown out of their homes. “When the warmer weather comes…” I remember Burton telling me. I was in NYC last year. I’d been thrown from my home. In summer, people are thrown from their homes. – June. On the 17th… June this year… the 9th through the 16th… waking at 4.00 and getting on a bike at 4.30 to ride the back roads… to work… for 4 hours. For what? Truly; for what? Indeed. – June… – 18.11 To think that somebody could actually stand beside someone who is blatantly not welcome at the dinner table, and put food onto the grill. Jester brought their dinner out to the grill as I sat on the back steps having my smoke, and even talked to Ellie saying “Yes, I have to get to the grill.” Ah… may their food congeal and harden as it tries to pass through. I’ve nothing nice to wish. I wouldn’t eat with them anyway… But it’s the nerve that strikes me. – Today? Accomplishment? The front of the house. Flower-bed and grass… and a bit of the South side of the house as well. That’s IT! Nothing more. OH… I DID Hoover quickly in the room when they went into St. Albans this afternoon. But nothing serious. Nothing serious at all. I’ve no energy and I’ve no care or concern. Let the house crumble at this point. I’m pondering going into St. Albans m’self and to CVOEO for housing and help with a car. That much is serious. And I don’t much give a shit about anybody else at this juncture But… – I am SO tired! Just so tired this evening. – Oh oh… and I did buzz m’hair this afternoon. Did a shit job of it, but it’s shorter. I needed to do that before biking into E. Fairfield and looking like a mad-man on arrival. – So now… looking forward to a shower and into the bed. Sent a message via Skype, to VIV. No doubt she’ll be getting to bed early-ish this evening as well. Love her! So much! – They should be finished stuffing their faces by now so I can slip out for a smoke… then into the shower… then into bed! I want to make this trial trip to the E. Fairfield PO! tomorrow morning! – 19.11 In bed… showered and ready for to sleep! – MUST ADD:
I’D GONE OUT FOR A SMOKE BEFORE SHOWERING AND AS I GOT TO THE BACK, JESTER COMES FROM NEXT DOOR, BEHIND THE STORE, WITH HIS LITTLE MEXISHIT UNDER ARM (LIKE A LITTLE CLUTCH PURSE… FAG) AND ELLIE STROLLING IN FRONT. WHEN THEY GOT TO THE BACK STEPS, JESTER REACHED DOWN, GRABBED ELLIE’S EAR AND YANKED TO THE POINT WHERE SHE (ELLIE) TURNED AND TRIED TO TAKE A PIECE OF HIS HAND! THEN HE YELLS AT HER TO GET INTO THE HOUSE AND SAYS “I’M TIRED OF RUNNING AFTER YOU! I’M GONNA GET YOU A LEAD THE NEXT TIME WE GET TO TRACTOR SUPPLY! GO ON! GET IN THERE!”

 

 

Yup… best way to train the poor thing (not that Ellie’s trainable at all in anything… it’s “organic” with her though… something truly IS terribly wrong with her in the head). But it goes back to the barking shit: The dogs all bark so the 3 Stooges go out and get a bark-collar and who gets it first? Dixie… the one who’d stopped barking after I attended to the situation… with-out beating or yelling. Who goes next? Ellie, of course. And which little piece of shit NEVER gets corrected or scolded or reprimanded? Mexishit! And which is the one that instigates and WON’T stop the yipping? Mexishit. But it’s fine to gab Ellie by the ear and pull. Right then… Next issue to be brought up when the next issue brought up is kicked into MY face! Sometimes the world… – Meanwhile, I’m trying to get myself into “working hours” here. If I leave the PO at 16.30, I should be back at the house round about 18.30-19.00 which would bring me close to now… 19.19. Give me about an hour or so to un-wind, clean-up and grab something filling and un-healthy to eat and then… to bed. Tonight… I hope I can get to sleep. I’m having a camomile tea and 2 aspirin now. I’d like to wake at 4.00, relatively refreshed. It’s going to be dark when I leave town… I’d like to be… “aware” at the very least. – Time to post this… as my stomach churns and bubbles and makes all sorts of nasty noises. I’m a little anxious about this travelling but… I will NOT go down in a puddle of lazy self-pity! – PS: The house looks delightful! I’m posting photos here… quite nice indeed. I do good work. – OH! I also posted something rather not-favourable on the fessebook! A running history of the garden, right up to today. And the caption? “Just waiting for the ‘Self-Weeding’ feature to kick in.” (Vicki liked it.. I’m wondering who’s to be the first to realise: it’s not a joke… and I’m NOT the “feature”.) – Oh… and the “fire wood”? Grown over and, well… it’s as I’ve said all along and still say: 10 minutes after I leave here, this place will fall right back into the way it was before I ever got here. But… Fukkit! Fukkem! That’s all for now.

Mon.2.Jun: 4.42 I woke at 1.00 this morning, all ready to hit the road! HAHAr. Went back to sleep and when the alarm sounded at 4.00 I just wanted to nap. Go figure. – Warmish morning, this. Sunny and 28° forecast. Oh well… Just waiting to brush teeth and take a dump and ON THE ROAD! Here’s hoping… hoping… – For some reason, that one loosish tooth on the upper left is pinging this morning and my left sinus is drippy-packed. Hmmm… It’s to be an “interesting” day. No doubt. – Well.. away we go! Next Monday… no “choice” in this matter. May as well get it done and done. – 15.53 AT 5.11 this morning, I left the property, heading out to the brand new sun-light of a brand new day, and headed south on the 120… “Main Street”, Fukling, VT. I didn’t get to shower, and had to use the down-stairs loo to dump and brush my teeth and splash a bit of water on my face. That was “morning ablutions”. BFD. Thankfully, I wasn’t heading for anything “formal”. But now I know: MUST get to the loo before 5.00! Not a prob, since I now know that I MUST be OUT OF HERE AND ON THE ROAD BY 4.30!!! The tough times, they are a-comin’. But if the week to come is anything like today’s trip, I don’t think I’m going to mind it at all. – The directions from on-line were a mess, of course, But that’s primarily because the roads in VT are a mess. Indeed! The trip went as so:

The 120 to KANE to E.SHELDON which becomes PLEASANT. Fair enough. Make the left onto CENTRAL… indeed, which suddenly stops being paved (and that was the end of the pavement for the duration!). At the end of the pavement, Central becomes the NORTHROP (1) which meanders along and out into the middle of no-where! I was becoming a bit nervous, walking up and trying to coast down what seem to be freshly re-dirted dirt roads. And what a pain they are to navigate on a bike! Almost at the top of a hill… TALCOTT! YAY! I was still heading in the correct directions… as it were. Right tunn onto Talcott and continue off into the wilderness that is most of this Heaven-forsaken State. But, kindly enough, no gagging scent of cow-sht! Well… I was on the Talcott for what seemed the longest while, and I was about to hear banjos when I came to an intersection with a road called “Tiffany” but that was the ONLY sign out there, at this “4 corners” in what truly was a forsaken area. But instinct told me to continue right along, straight ahead and forward, and so I did. The directions I had, however, told me to make a “left” on something called “Pumpkin Village Rd.” I saw no signs of such a thing… but… away we went, as the sun rose higher in the sky. And along the road (dirt) we, the imperial, personal “we”, journeyed until… END OF THE ROAD! A “T” and at this “T”, a road sign: PUMPKIN VILLAGE RD.! SO! Apparenlty at Tiffany, the Talcott becomes the Pumpkin Village Rd. Imagine that! BUT.. where the fuk was I and where was I to go from there? Directions told me to make the right onto Duffy Hill… So? I made the right onto what-ever-the-fuk road I was on and pedalled along, looking at post boxes. AhHAH! The “Carpenters” actually have their name AND their addresse on their post box and… there I was… DUFFY HILL RD! (Well! Keep it a secret, why not?) I stopped to check the time: 7.24 and I had NO idea where in Hell I was or how much longer it would take me to get to where I wanted to be. But… this morning? I was in rather great spirits, had no particular time-line, save arriving before 9.30… tra-lah-lah-lah… along I went. The sun was rising higher and so too, the temperature. But, all said? It was a delight. Well-well and hey-hey, I then needed to find Dodd… and as I rode along, now having NO idea where the f… E.Fairfield was being hidden amongst the hills and dales… DODD! which runs along and suddenly becomes EGYPT which rolls along and JUST before hitting the VT36 IN E.Fairfield, becomes NEW! – At some point round about 8.00, I parked the bike in front of the POST OFFICE! The truck was just un-loading so I grabbed 2 bags of mail and went in. Ryan looked at me, stunned, and said “What are you doing here?” I told him I wanted to see what the roads were like, what kind of adventure I could have and I wanted to get to know more of the state I’m residing in so I took the bike out for a spin and… I got to watch him in a normal “Monday” routine, we chatted only a bit, he handed me the keys! (I WAS SO RELIEVED! THAT was my actual cause for going this morning… along with the timing.) = Phase 1 of today’s adventure… accomplished! – At about 8.56 I was back on the bike and heading in the reverse direction, still thrilled about the trip! (Sure, now that THE important issue was done.) – I’d wanted to time the return trip, but, at some point where the Road-You’re-On turns into the Road-You’re-Going-To-Be-On (that Pumpkin Village-into-Talcott-at-Tiffany intersection there) I decided that I was, in fact and indeed… HUNGRY! And, for a change, having a bit of cash on hand (in pocket, what-ever), decided that I’d stop at Sheldon Creek and get a samich! HUNGRY! And for no really intelligent reason. I mean, truly, fukkit! Sunday past, there was the “announcement” that steaks were being grilled… then last night with the “announcement” AND the placing of food on the grill as I sat right there? I wouldn’t serve manure-pit to these … never mind that.

I stopped in at the market, and after a while (the woman there was taking “ice cream inventory”… priorities, y’know), I orderd a 5$ turkey/provalone grinder with all the “veggies” they had to offer, got an ice cream samich and a Coke and headed down to the creek. And it was a PURE DELIGHT! To sit, eat a sandwich that was truly so worth every penny (even though the woman at the market doesn’t use gloves… she doles the dressings the “olde fashioned” way… bare hands). And I got to sit on a bench… worn and splintered, but a bench. And in the peace and quiet… alone… the best of company these days. And I took my time eating… and I enjoyed every little bit of it all. Then, I took a little stroll down to the falls. Impressive and beautiful. It was relaxing and refreshing and just a wonderful delight all round all told. And I thought of the… well.. of “them” and the comments “I’m bored.” and “There’s nothing to do.” and such. And I thought today, as always: “Bored? It’s not ‘bored’; it’s bone-idle, shit4brains, make-ya-wanna-puke pure LAZY!” But so be it. Rot. It’s what you ask for, it’s what you get. And I returned to looking at and admiring the falls, and the old stone foundation of what I imagine was once a mill. And to think… right there… a moments’ drive from that place… that “house”. Just delightful. – Well, it was time to get back on the road, and I was fed, and thirst was quenched and there was a lovely stretch of the E.Sheldon and Kane roads to be coasted along and enjoyed… and i DID! Of course, the trip UP all the HILLS on the 120 weren’t so pleasant. But look at where they lead… they never are “pleasant” any longer. Still, I was quite impressed with me: pedalled up most of the way! HEY HEY HEY! – And thus ended this morning’s little journey when I arrived back at my point of departure at 12.26. – 3 hours to get TO work… 3,5 hours to get back. (And Googleshit claims 2hrs5min. Fuktardz. Can’t trust anybody these days. But I already know that.)

I came in the back door and took m’Dixie out right away. But of course I had to hear Jester whine about having gone out for a short while this morning and it being too hot. And I made a point of saying that I’d left at 5.00. “You went to work today. Right?” Fuktard. I clarified AND added the time it takes to travel. And I left it at that. Gee… I wonder if that comment will make the rounds at any time between now and… I doubt it. And even if it does… these self-absorbed shitz won’t pay it any mind.

(Offer? To give a lift? “You owe us a lot of money!” Right… Hit me with THAT again and let’s see what happens next.) – That said… – 15.50 and the 2 fat-arses were on the wire with the 3rd… discussing what THEY were to have for dinner this evening. Jeezusfukall! Sit around on your ever-widening fat all bloody day and do shit-fukall and at the very last moment act all concerned and worried about what to toss in the trough for slop-time. Oh how I NEED to get the fuk away from this stupidity! – 18.45 Dropped by the PO for a bit and went on about how much I enjoyed the trip this morning. (Making it appear that I’ll take the bike because of the sheer pleasure of it. Meanwhile, I’m wondering how the hell I’m going to to this when the weather forecast is for 60% rain all that week… Oh well… ) It’s time to change the PO Box number… NYC Area Code here I come! But… 6 months… I will NOT take it any longer because, well… I do NOT want to be here nor do I want to have ANYTHING to do with this town at that point in time! And.. of course.. one error on Saturday. GOD FORBID it should be a “perfect” day. In spite of all the shit I take from these turds. (Of course, that’s to change effective this Saturday when there will be NO hand-delivery of mail… and the notice will be posted each and every Saturday from now on… No favours.. not even this once. – But all else was fine and I returned to the house, to the room and put up the little fan in the window and took a 45 minute NAP! – “Dinner” this evening: 2 peanut-butter sandwiches and a Ramen. That’s all that’s left in the place. However, there are more on the fs and that’s a relief! (Too bad I can’t take that to get a car!). – Went out for a smoke just a bit ago, passed the parlour where the whales are beached, made a comment about leaving before B. this morning. A smile. Yup… But Life actually DOES address, redress and repay. I’ve seen it and I know. And I keep thinking of L. asking the other evening “Do you think we could have a fire tonight?” Ask your “spouse” there, Sparkless. I cut and stacked the wood, spent all Summer last building and maintaining YOUR fires. This year? Get it your damned selves. Have as many fires as you want. Burn your arses into ashes for all I care. I wasn’t asked to “participate” nor to sit and enjoy last year. So… this year? Lean how to DO something… oh.. and by the way? Fuck yourselves whilst you’re at it. Thank you… and have a pleasant season. – Time to post this. I’m trying some new “formatting” here. – 21.41 The only thing the vodka-tonic did was make me hungry. And I haven’t showered and feel like greasy, gritty shit. But its time to go to sleep. 4.00 comes round early and I have to get into the routine! And the traffic outside is horrid! Trucks… loaded with the cut grass. Thankfully… no Houles! – Time to try for sleep… the fan is on.. I hope it helps. –

Tue.3.Jun: 5.56 DELUGE! DOWN-POUR! Intermittent. But HEAVY at moments! RAIN! And all I can think of is “Next Week!” Rain means not taking the back roads. Rain means mud kicking up on my back and legs. Rain means Hell and disastre trying to get to work… let alone, trying to get from work. Rain. And I already know that there’s a 60% chance… ALL WEEK next, of this… EVERY DAY! And I know what a 60% chance means… it means standing on Sheltus under the trees, under plastic, waiting. And I don’t have the luxury of time to wait. My guts are already churning and knotting at the prospect. But, there’s nothing I can do about it now… and there will nothing I can do about it then. No sense in getting worked-up about it this morning… or any morning. Just let the days do what they will. – Last night I browsed available cars. I just don’t have the money. I just don’t. Just don’t. Oh well… At least I won’t be able to mow lawns today. I’ll have to find some other way to steer clear of the “house” for the day. I need to make a wash. I don’t know that I should… now… this morning. I don’t know WHY I should fee that I shouldn’t. But… That’s the way the house is… That’s the way it all is. And as usual: My consideration? A royal fuck! – On with… what-ever. – 9.50 I’ve been back to sleep more often in the past 4 hours! I’m EXHAUSTED! Physically. – But the rain’s stopped. – 10.20 THE WORLD AND THIS LAP-TOP AND THE WORLD… IS A HATEFUL SPITEFUL MURDEROUSLY DISGUSTING PLACE! AND I WISH THERE WAS A TERM, WORD OR EXPRESSION WORSE THAN SIMPLY “FUCK” TO EXPRESS WHAT I FEEL ABOUT IT… ALL OF IT… AND ALL IN IT!!!! RIGHT NOW! – 12.06 And yet another day is passing quickly and I’ve done nothing.. nothing at all, save browse across the Internet all morning and not giving a shit about it. Just not giving a shit about much of anything today. It’s rather hot, and terribly humid and me? I’m rather hungry and there’s nothing here to eat save peanut-butter and 2 rolls and some Ramen. Weather says the storms have passe until about 17.00 this evening or so. Me? Je m’en câlisse. Makes no difference to me one way or the other. “Things to do”? I could probably (no, I could) find MANY “things to do” and more “things that need to be done”… but… I’m looking at my jeans going thread-bare and… well… I don’t see the world queuing up to kiss my arse so… until that happens… nope. Just about lounging today. I’m off for a third smoke du jour. –
212 today!!!
17.48 and the rains are finally taking the heat and humidity away and L. is beached on the bed, B. is beached on the Lazy-Bitch, Jester is on the sofa and me? I haven’t been out of the room save for a while of stupidly trying to mow a bit of the lawn and to go to the PO to get the new POB! And now? After 2 peanut-butters and a tea, and nothing left in the room to eat, I’m about to put out the lights and try for a night’s sleep… no shower again today. None since Sunday night! And I don’t care. I feel shitty-icky. But I don’t have the energy to shower and I don’t want to hear about how much it’s costing in water. However… I did discover that the hose going to the “garden” is leaking steadily so there’s water being tossed about. I’ll mention it when the issue of “Water cost” is thrown at me. Hey! YOUR spouse… not MY shower! Fuck you! – I dread the thoughts of next week and the weather. I can only HOPE and that’s all I can do. – Meanwhile… time to call it a night… the party’s over. – Left a message on Skype for VIV. Posted an e-mail to her. She’s on the box. – 20.57 Tonight, again, I’m so damned hungry I could cry. And imagine this: when, a little while ago, at about 20.00, I went out for a smoke, L. was coming up the stairs to go to bed and asked me to feed Dixie because “she wouldn’t come to eat earlier”. He was going to bed and leaving HER with nothing to eat! Honestly? I can’t really take much more of this shit! – And tonight, I re-vamped my “GoFuckMe” request page for help with a new car. I can’t… I just can’t take more of this shit! – Add to that, I’m sticky and grimy, haven’t showered since Sunday night. I tried mowing the lawn a bit today and worked-up a sweat. Haven’t brushed my teeth since Monday morning. I’m a mess… a total mess. And it’s still hot, muggy, rainy… Threats of thunder storms tonight. AND… RAIN for next week! I don’t know.. I just don’t know any more. I’m not saying that “life” is any easier for anybody else in this house. BUT… when I see “sleeping” until 11.00 or later, going to bed at 20.30 or so… then getting up and sitting in a chair… sleeping again… and then listening to the whining about how miserable life is and how bored… and then the eating and eating and eating some more and complaining about not having food… FOOD!!! THERE ARE TWO FRIDGES IN THIS HOUSE! AND… THREE FREEZERS! And NOT ONE of them is empty! Meanwhile, all I’ve had all day was 2 peanut-butter on bread. Nah… I can’t take this any more and death is starting to look pretty damned good again. A tent, a place in the woods… done. Maybe it’s actually time to stop this shit… stop the “working” to make “others” happy and comfy and time to make ME happy and comfy and STOP THE SHIT! This Friday I’m looking at yet another Bedford-St.Albans run on the bike… and a 50% chance of rain. JOY! Then a morning at the PO… a Sunday of shit and a Monday of being ON the road BY 4.30 at the very latest!… and a 50% chance of rain then too! Nah… comes a time when it’s just not worth the effort… and this is the time. Something to ponder as I try to drift to sleep tonight… and that’s something I MUST get to… NOW! – One more smoke and I’m done for the day. I’ve done nothing much, save the lawn, the PO Box and sitting on the bed. Fuck it! I don’t care any more! I just don’t. Surrounded by nasty attitudes… selfishness beyond imagination. THEY’VE benefited from my presence. Time to HALT!

Wed.4.Jun: 6.44 Lavage in the dryer. After a really uncomfortable and rather restless start to the sleeping last night… I OVER-SLEPT AGAIN THIS MORNING! I HAVE to get my mind and body BACK into “SHELTER” mode! Getting almost no sleep all night and still waking at 4.00! Getting directly up and out of bed, guzzling morning coffee, shitting, brushing teeth and tidying me and… OUT THE DOOR! I HAVE NO CHOICE! IT MUST BE DONE! – Meanwhile? Meanwhile… the sun is shining and the temp. in the room has gone down to 21… from almost 29 yesterday. I’m also thinking in terms of Friday: Bedford-St.Albans again… and something like 60-70% chance of “orages” during the day. (How odd… the word “orage” comes to mind quicker than “storm”.) Oh well… as I just thought this morning, having the first smoke du jour: Even as Ev says: “You don’t think about it. You just do what has to be done.” Indeed… and how much of my life-time have I functioned… strictly under that theory? MOST. I’m tired… so very tired of it. – 8.05 And the lavage is done, foided, put into little boxes on the little table so that all is “Pack-ready”. I took the “liberty” of posting a delightful image of the map of the route to/fm E.Fairfield… on fessebook. I seriously doubt it will have any affect on anything… even considering I posted a comment on another post having to do with W.Virginia being the highest welfare state… and me, not eligible for help with a car because I have no bastard children and am “too White”. You know? One gets to a point where one actually can’t give a shit… and one is at that point at this point. – And so… to the PO at 13.00 today and then? The rest of the day. I need to get something to eat… soon. I dread going to that friggin market. But with the weather being so un-certain… Oh well… so it goes. Meanwhile….
BACK TO THE SHELTER MIND-SET!
18.16 Feeling better, having showered to go to the office today. It’s rather interesting: for the past few days, there’s been nothing “accomplished”. I’ve “done” nothing. And… I don’t care at all in the least. Next week, I’ll be out of the house by 4.30 and won’t be back any time before 19.00… if at all, for that matter. And to that end, I’ve re-bagged the Hudson Bay blanket in the “Space Bag”.. .what I wouldn’t do for the huge Zip Lock bags… thank you fucking Nancy fucking bitch liar. Trust! What a fuck in the face that is. – OK. Between that and the little stuffie from Tony Muscle… I’m really pissed about it all. But… there’s nothing I can do about it now. Just let “Fate” take care of it all… – That said, I have to note that there’s quite an air of “removed” in the house. The only one who seems to actually speak with me is Jester. BUT BUT BUT!!!! ALMOST FORGOT!!!! Today, when I was at the PO, Aline and I got into a chat about the town and the folks and such. TWO bits of NEWS: One… our revenue is UP! We’re one of only 2 in the area with increased revenues! I’m THRILLED!!! BUT BUT BUT!!! it gets funny… says she, people have come into the office and asked if i “live in that house” and when Aline tells them that I do they all say “The poor guy.” Aline wanted to know why. I told her. It struck me as odd and funny and rather typical of my existence in that, given time, just as shit floats to the top of the water, so too, the Truth floats to the top. And so it has… and I’ve done nothing to encourage nor discourage. And the town knows… and imagine this.. .they DON’T actually “hate” me! “The poor guy.” Aline said “They all say the same thing.” So, there we have it. – That aside and nothing much more to report, time for a bit of browsing. I broke down, got a tin of burger soup, bread and some PopTarts this evening (and 2 ice cream samichez)… which I snuck into the house and at quickly in the room. So, I’m rather “set” for this evening. I’m hoping for GOOD GOOD weather tomorrow and Friday!!! Especially Friday! But if tomorrow’s good, I can get to Bedford!!! YAY me! Then on Friday, I can get to St.Albatross and be done with “all”. Next thing? The week in E.Fairfield… (and I “mentioned” the having to be “on the road by not later than 4.30” to Jester this evening… I wonder if any “offers of kindness” will be forth-coming… I’m NOT counting on it).
BACK TO THE SHELTER MIND-SET!
I almost forgot to mention here: This evneing, B. gets into a bit of chat as I was having a smoke and he asks if I’m going to be “home”… at the house… on Friday. Seems they have somebody coming to take the scrap metal from the barn! “TAKE”…. NOT “BUY”… OK? OK! I hauled all that shit from the back to the front so they could SELL it and make some money off of it. But, they take they’re fucking time finding somebody and then claim the guy all but disappeared. SO they found somebody who’s coming with a “6ft” truck AND…. WOULD I BE HERE TO SEE TO IT THAT HE GETS ALL OF THE METAL… INCLUDING THE BED-FRAMES AND SUCH FROM THE UPPER BARN AND WHAT’S BETWEEN THE TWO BARNS? WOULD I WHAT? FUCK YOU! NO! THERE WILL BE TWO OTHERS AT THE HOUSE ON FRIDAY, TWO OTHERS WHO’LL BE DOING SHITFUCKALL! I HAVE PLACES TO GO TO IF THE WEATHER PERMITS AND THINGS I NEED TO DO FOR ME… FOR A CHANGE! FUCK YOU REALLY! NO! (Of course, i didn’t promise that I’d be here and I didn’t say that I wouldn’t but I’ll be ACTUALLY DAMNED RIGHT STRAIGHT TO HELL ON EARTH BEFORE I’LL “HELP” AGAIN! TAKE THAT SCRAP METAL THAT I HAULED AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSES… AND CALL THAT A “FIRDDAY NIGHT AT THE FIRE”! GO BLOW YOURSELVES… AND BREAK YOUR NECKS TRYING. I’M TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT AND I’M FED-UP! SERIOUSLY? GO TO HELL… AND LET ME DRIVE YOU THERE.
(on Thu. morning: Somebody’s on quite a roll with the MTL Métro these days and this evening, on fessebook, the MTL Blog posted some recordings of the entire trip on the Orange Line… I can’t imagine when, at what hour the person recorded the whole thing, because there’s no arguing or discussions taking place, but it’s 35 minutes of just the sound of the train moving along and the announcements. I down-loaded and converted the audio file and was listening to it through the whole trip. It actually is rather calming. Something about the droning of the wheels, and the sound of the chimes as the doors close… and the announcements of “prochaine sations” and the arrivals… calming. And when, at last, I heard “Station, Jarry”… WOW! How those days all came flashing back! That was the station… the place I’d call “HOME” for all the years to follow. I want to figure a way to play that file through the night. Especially in the nights to come when I’ll NEED the sleep! On the “not so good” side of tonight… I was still awake at 22.30. Oh well… I’ve done it many times before: put in a whole day at work… WORK!!… on much to little sleep the night before…
BACK TO THE SHELTER MIND-SET!)

Thu.5.Jun: 4.34 And… awake. I actually woke at 3.38 this morning. Not too shoddy. I feel like shit this morning, but I thought, as I stood having my smoke: not only is this the hour I woke in the Shelter… this is the hour I used to get up for many years in NYC. 14th Street, sitting at the little table (that I dragged from Bed Bath and Beyond… alone), having morning coffee and a smoke, watching the guys leaving J’s Triangle, after a night of debauchery and a drinking and such. And how I’d think: they were on their way back home, to pass out and wake at some time well after I was finished with my lunch break. And here am I, watching the night turn to day and starting everything. And, those days, getting me ready for my stroll into work… along the Hudson River, down to the “Financial District”. And this morning, again, I remember that one morning, listening to the Tallis Scholars, Misse ece terre motus…. and looking at the WTC towers and the “vision” I had of them in flames (a vision inspired by the music I was listening to) and how “moving” that moment was… It was only to be a matter of years when it was to become the reality. And “Life” would never be the same again… and NYC would never be “home” again. – And this morning, again, I remember the mornings in the Shelter, waking to the vibration of the little mobile phone (now gone), and rolling over to reach into the locker, in the relative darkness of the room, the mouse scurrying over my hand as I took my plastic bottle out, to gulp my morning coffee, grab my toiletries and head across the hall to the loo to sit in the stall by the window, to take my morning dump and sneak a quick morning smoke… then scurry down the hall to the shower. And all the while, actually not minding the place, the Shelter, because, at long last, it was “quiet”. The crazies were finally all passed-out, and there was a momentary “calm” about the place. I learnt to brush my teeth and wash myself in the shower… to save time. – Then, very much like these days, I HAD to be OUT the door of the building by not later than 4.30, to get to the train that would take me 2,5 hours to get to… work. – And here we are, again, a few years later (and 1200km away)… and “Life” is repeating. – There are moments when I truly think: Screw the car… get the gun! The repetition NEEDS to STOP! And the gun is the best way to do that! PEACE! … And then, the night turns to day, and the birds begin to call out to each-other as the light starts rising over the Eastern hills, and in the morning’s serenity I think… “Today is what-ever I want it to be. – It’s time for that second mug of coffee. – BACK TO THE SHELTER MIND-SET! And I can’t help but think: All hat we’ve been through before,and all that we experience now is in preparation for something yet to come. – Somebody pass me the gun. – Bonjour. – 20.00 Showered and in bed… as the dogs bark and howl because the ladies have returned from doing what they do: shopping. Right now, the only piece of shit barking is… amazingly… the Mexishit. And does anybody do anything to stop it? Of course not… Oh well… B’s in bed already too so… let them suffer through it. – Me? I had a MARVELOUS MORNING! At about 9.30 I was on the road HOME!!! I needed to get at least 3 packs of smokes to get me through next week, and Gena actually gave me money to get her a box of Au Caramels! (I gave the money back, of course. Hey! I was going anyway… and I wanted to try them m’self so…) But this morning was WELL worth the mentioning here! The trip HOME was a delight, as always, with a truly wonderful chat with the fellow (whose name I didn’t get AGAIN… kick me in the nuts) who’s usually there. And when I told him that I was going for cigarettes he told me they’d cost more today because the tax went up yesterday… YESTERDAY! Oh well. I’m paying “taxes” in Quebec now… again. No problem for me though. I’m spending most of my income… HOME! So there! Putting the money right the fuck out of the country here. YAY ME! – The bike ride to Métro was a breeze! Truly. A most wonderfully delightful morning. Sunny, breezy and just the right “chill” to the air. I went immediately to the Métro where I got my 3 packs, 2 boxes of Au Caramel and a package of P’tit Québec cheese “snacks”… which are rather costly, but SO worth the investment! AND… when I got to the cashe… the woman in front of me let me pass before her and my mouth opened and the French just ROLLED!!! I thanked her, asked for my smokes, told the nice lady at the cash that I had $US and all the rest and… as I say… the French just rolled! It’s coming back! At last! (Time to go HOME and not come back to this shit-hole…) – Stopped at the river again to have some cheese and then try the Au Caramels! WOW! Are they ever sweet! TWO was just about all I could take this morning! But they’re ever so good! I’m stuck… changed from Mae West for a while, i fear. AND… today’s change? I’ve got a 10 to add to the 5s! I think it’s up to 35 now! Hey! My “Savings” account is building! And with-out a banque. Fuckkemall! – THEN came the ride back where I got to chat with an older guy on the US side who, at first, gave me a bit of a hard time because I went through the red light… and their generator went out just as I got there. “We have no electricity because our generator went out and now we have a problem here. You see that red light down there?” So I calmly said that I come through weekly and that the “rules change each time I pass through.” During the chat… he was a lettre carrier! AND when I mentioned Gena, he said “She passed by just about a half hour ago.” and it was a delight from that point on! – All told, it was a WONDERFUL MORNING! – Ah… and then back to Fuklin… It was about 13.30 when I got back… I took my sweetest time on the return today. So… what do you suppose? I weeded a bit behind the barn. The “garden” is going all to weeds now. But I expected that. I’m not touching it… and I expect to hear something rather nasty come next week-end when Bruce and Penny come with the “new car”. Well? I’m quite prepared… Say shit to me and I’m off to CVOEO and Cie. to file for help with rent… UNREPORTED RENT! Enough is more than enough and today, some-how, it hit me: ABUSE! It’s as the “meme” reads “Never abuse somebody who cares to the point where they no longer give a fuck.” Too late. I don’t. – So, now, at 20.24 I’m a bit on the warm side after having been a bit on the chilly side most of the evening. I’ve had my 2 peanut-butters and a Ramen and 2 more AuCaramels. The sky is clouding and I’m hoping it will rain itself dry tonight so that I can go on my errands tomorrow. Nothing more than St. Albans (which is why I went HOME today… so that I wouldn’t have to make THAT run again tomorrow… the HEAVY week is coming!!! I’m NOT going to kill myself now.. besides, I had a bit of a scare today as I got to the pont Guthrie… VERY severe left chest pains. I don’t want to “go” until I’ve finished covering or E.Fairfield! I made a promise and somebody else is depending on me… I’d like to help him out first… then? OK LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! – Meanwhile… the house has gone rather quiet. The ladies are un-packing their goodies. May they fall on their arses and not be able to get up. – I need to make a quick check on the Skype, drop a line to VIV and I’m … OUT OF HERE FOR THE NIGHT! PLEASE! Early morning start again tomorrow.

Fri.6.Jun: 4.14 and this morning again… up on my own at about 3.38! Dozed until the 3.45 alarm and was turning the phone off at 4.00! I’d gone to bed… under covers and all, by about 20.00 last night. Just thought, this morning, if I go to bed at 20.00 and wake at 3.00, that’s 7 hours sleep. Not too bad at all. So this just might work. Now, the only thing I NEED to do is figure something to put on in case of rain. That done, I’m set to go! Now the only thing that remains is the stamina to do this… for 6 consecutive days… not only the ride TO work, but the ride BACK. AND, I have to figure what to do for… FOOD during the day. I hope I’ll be able to “nap” during the day. The goo thing is that it’s known that I’ll be in the office for the 5 hours in between work. It’s the just the little logistics of the commute and we’re all set to go! I discovered that there are black, plastic bags at the office here, that are long enough to cover my legs. I’ll have to work on making “trousers”… and I’ve got only 3 days to do that in! Well… CREATIVITY? Here we go! Oma said I could make things out of nothing. Let’s see how that works out now. – And, this morning, I woke to the delightful and relaxing sound of… rain on the rood… Rain. It had better stop though. I have to get on the road in a few hours. And I have to figure what I’m going to do, other than the major reason for travel today. (I’m not leaving my money in that account so that it can be handled by anyone! It’s too damned important right now.) – OK. I’ve had my coffee, vitC, and a smoke. On with the day! – 11.19 The rains have been falling and there’s “scattered showers” to come but the main rains seem to have passed. It’s a bit on the chilly side now… either that or I’m just really tired (probably). But… the road seems dry and I’m out of here!!! Jester tells that B. will be out of work at 12.30… Oh joy! Fuck me! I’ll probably have to pass it some-where on the road. Fukkemall! I’m out of here and AWAY from this depressed shit. – Well, well, well (I continue to up-date on Sat. night) I DID make the bike trip into St.A. today. I left the house round about 11.00 when the rains passed and the météo indicate that all the rains had gone for the day. The trip was… well… not something I wanted to do, but it wasn’t too bad today. There were “patches” of sun that came through the clouds, and when it did, it was miserably hot! But for the most part, it was over-cast and it kept things a bit on the “cooler” side. – At the CU, Becky completely ignored me. I suppose she’s still miffed about the last visit and that was all for the best anyway because I was in a state of mind to tell her exactly what I was thinking… and it wasn’t “kind”. I thought about it on the ride over: I don’t give a shit about what people think of me any longer. And if I’ve something to tell them, then I’ll say it. No sense keeping anything in any longer. I’m merely counting my time. – I took out all but about 5$ form the account again and the total was 199,03… the ,03 was the “dividend”. I was going to hand it to the manageresse, but instead, I simply left it on a counter… figuring they’ll find it and have to figure where it came from and what to do with it. I mean… it’s stealing if they don’t put it some-where… and I could actually report that… and maybe mention it on the SocMed! Well, what-ever, it was there for them to handle. And I walked out. In the parking lot, I put my “funds” together. I’d purposely asked for 5’s to put into the “file” to fill it… to capacity where I can’t even close the case any longer. One 50 and the rest of the 5s. The “file” is now at 250! Hey! What a way to “save”… and carry it with me. – Then… on to Walmarde to look for a “rain suit” and what do you know? I found one! Just under 20$! OK. So I don’t want to spend now, especially on something like that. But I do need it and it was 19,97! (I got my bloody 3-cents back in change!) But I’m rather pleased that I didn’t have to spend 30$ and no, I didn’t want to spend even the 20, but… I have a rain suit! And, if it rains during the week? I can STILL pedal my arse along the roads! (It’s quite heavy though… and adds much weight to the back-pack… but WTF? It’s not a “luxury” item at this juncture.) – Next? Off to Hannaford’s for the basics… and I do mean “basics”. Coffee, PopTarts, Ramen and a sports drink. BFD! And TWO packs of beef franks! I figure, I’ll need the food! I won’t be able to bring with, but over the next couple of days, I’ll load-up on the calories and such. – AND… the next stop was… PFK/KFC!!!!! The kid at the counter was the nicest and most polite! I had the 3-pc “meal” with slaw and mac’n’cheese and a Mt.Dew. UNDER the usual 10$! Hey, hey! I’m OK! I sat, ate calmly. It was only just past 14.00 and I was in NO rush to get to the house! – Dinner over and on the road again and I took my sweet-arse time! I figured it took me about 2 hours to get “there” at least and it would take me AT LEAST 2 hours to get back… at least… I didn’t rush. – On the Hanna Rd. I stopped to take a photo of a beautiful red finch… DEAD! SMACKED BY A CAR! FUCK! THAT PISSED ME OFF ROYALLY! But it added to the “pissed off” that I still was over having been honked at on the Machia Rd by some in-bred-fuk-tard in a red pick-up! But this poor little red bird just REALLY put me over the edge! The photo was for fessebook… it did get posted tonight! – Then… THEN.. as if things weren’t bad enough with the honking and the bird… some little dickless wonder shit from town here comes up behind me on the Hanna Rd. as I’m coming into town, he’s on a 4-wheeler and HE HONKS at me! If I had a gun at the time! – WELL!!! As it turned out… I arrived just in time to see the truck and the little trailer LOADED WITH THE SCRAP METAL from the barn and B. and L. out there… lightly carrying little bits to add. SHIT! THE TILLER, THE ROLLER… THE WOOD STOVE! THE POT-BELLY STOVE! ON THE TRAILER! But I HAD… HAD… H.A.D. to guffaw to myself as I sat on the swing looking:
*****
It took ONE of ME to move all that metal shit from one end of the barn to the front… it was now taking THREE (3) OF THEM to move it from the barn to the truck! and…
as I’m sitting on the swing, letting my body recover from the biking? B. actually had the balls to ask:
“I know you’ve just come back from a long ride but would you mind going up and getting the bed-frames and such from up-stairs in the barn?”
I told him, quietly: “Yes. Right now, I would mind, very much.”
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!
*****
He went up! But… there was just no way the trailer was going to hold any more. I mean… SHIT! I KNOW how heavy even the lightest item was! Well… they put it all on and I went inside to eat a little something.. I was still hungry! And when I came back down, they were all gone. B. had taken a photo (I wonder if it’ll go onto fessebook and what the claim will be.) BUT… THEY HAULED THE METAL AWAY… AND THE TWO SHITS DIDN’T SELL IT! OK. Fine… not my troubles. – And then… and then… the evening got interesting…. We stood out back, chatting for a bit. B. proceeded to get shit-faced on Jim Beam and cokes and as he got more-so, he kept repeating how appreciative he is for all the work I’d put into the barn, how much quicker and easier the cleaning-out was because of all the work I’d done. (Hey! I suppose he finally realised just how HEAVY all that shit actually is and that I’d done all that cleaning and moving… alone… But I doubt that, very much.) He spoke, jokingly, of L’s hoarding and how much stuff there was about the house and such. I told him that I’d been like that and said “Do you know what stopped me?” and he immediately replied “When you went Homeless.” Indeed! Imagine that. And imagine that he actually thinks about it. Indeed! That truly was when it all stopped… as did my wanting or needing or even thinking about ever acquiring a “house-hold” ever again for as long as I breathe. L. came out and, in B.’s drunk he told L. that he should thank me as well… He did… and the matter passed. There’s really no appreciation for/of anything done for this crew. Especially when B. made a point of telling Jester that they appreciated all HE’D done round the house as well! Why? What? I mean… shit. Really? There’s a pan in the sink, a cookie sheet they used to make cinnamon buns… on SUNDAY… still stacked… in the sink. Can’t even wash a bloody cookie sheet! Thank you? Really? Well… – And then came a bit of a “Houle Spray”… there’s nothing better to call it:
*****
“I just got finished saying, ‘You gotta give the guy credit…’” for biking all over the place and to a job where he’s only going to get paid for a couple of hours. “Younger people would quit before they’d bike that distance.” Right. Well, YOU wouldn’t even bother, I’m sure. So this tells me that, even if only when drunk, they actually think about it… but, as is usual, will do nothing to make things better. I’ve been thinking a lot, of late, of L’s having said, back in Winter: If you can’t help, don’t hurt. Here, it’s more like “I don’t want to help but I’m certainly not going to do shit about it.” “Christian”, that.
*****
L. thanked me, half-heartedly if at all and commented on how Daisy would have LOVED me for all the work that I’d done. Mentioned again, how important her yard was to her. And… of course, he HAD to throw Jester into the thanks. You know? Fukkemall… just plainly… FUKKEMALL! – Anyway… the shocker truly was when L. brought me not one, but TWO apple ales! And me? I took both. I was just in the mood (and they taste rather nice, particularly on a Summer evening … after having put out all that effort in the travels today.)
*****
And THEN mentioned that they wanted a “fire” tonight! I told them they could, should, but that I needed to get to bed and to sleep. (Fact is: if I don’t do all the work for the “fire”… they don’t get the “fire”… The little “fire-ring” as they call it, is hidden in the tall grasses and the wood? COVERED by all the over-growth back there. I’m certainly not… NOT putting ANY more effort into THEIR little forays. Oh to very Bloody Hell with THAT! You want to sit and get drunk, and blow-jobs and the likes? WORK for it… then blow yourselves… into smithereens. THAT free ride came to an end… and there’s no more road to travel. The End.)
*****
It was about 21.30 when I came into the house, showered rather quickly, just enough to be “clean”, grabbed 2 franks and popped on to fessebook as I shoved the franks into my gullet. – A briefest message from VIV! I replied and then… 22.00 LATE LATE LATE!!!!! VERY TIRED TONIGHT (gee… I wonder why… NOT!) – THERE’S A VERY TOUGH WEEK TO COME!!!!

Sat.7.Jun: 6.23 OVER-SLEPT quite a bit this morning! Heard the alarm. Turned it off… half-dozed until about 5.30. WOW! Imagine. 2 beers and this! O MY! – Just re-vamped a bit on fessebook… there was one comment written quite hastily last night that might just be too honest and forthright for the likes of fessebook and I’d litke to keep the account open… maybe one of these days it’ll pay off and somebody else will buy the account. – Anyway… another morning at the bitch-mill… time to roll along here. – 13.14 JUST getting in! Everything happened today! Parcels, money order (1), box rents… new stock… the works. Figures! Casing actually came up early on the scan but I was a tad late. But shit.. they got 7.00 open and 13.00 close! And even at that late, a woman from outside Dallas TX came in… we had a really nice chat for a bit anyway. AND… the paper-work is done. Now? To look forward to Monday… which I dread. But I will do what I must… as always. Now, to mend the shorts that should have been done YEARS ago already and then? I don’t know… The rest of the house is in front of the TV… Isn’t that speshul? No. Not really. – 22.59 TOO LATE!!! I’M AWAKE TOO LATE!!! But once I get this done, and catch up with yesterday, I’m off to TRY to sleep! – I got to work at something just past 7.00 this morning, just as the truck was finished. And it was another one of those “rolling along” days… but today… TODAY!!! there were box rents and a money order! On a day when I’d hoped for a “NilBil” and that’s all. Oh well. Why not then? I’ve got a week of Hell coming. Why not end this one with an “Intro”? – When I got back to the house, I wanted so much to stay awake but round about 14.30 I was SO damned tired that I went for a nap… and “nap”. I didn’t want to wake from it. First of all, because it felt so good to sleep… and Secondly, because it was SO good to be in that non-reality of half-dozing… It’s a minor depression and a bit of anxiety over next week. I know this, but still… So I stayed in the bed until… I heard the car drive away. When I went out for a smoke, the house appeared empty. But when I came back in, B. was here! I came back up to the room and went on-line… for HOURS! Got on Skype. Absolutely nothing from VIV. I know she’s busy now, with so much to take care of with packing and probably some anxieties of her own with the new place. I just hope with all heart and soul that it all goes perfectly well for her. Still, it’s rather empty with no word from her. Hopefully I’ll see her in another week’s time or so and it’ll be SO great to help her with all she needs to do. – Today, I managed to get down SIX franks! Cold, 2 with rolls. But I need to eat the ones I got at the market yesterday before they go bad. Food and energy. The days are coming when this will be THE MOST important thing. Thank goodness for Homelessness! My body’s so used to being abused. – This evening, a note of “interest”: There was a post to the old Nbg Voy board… mine, that encouraged people to buy/read the book because there’s a possible “slander” suit. Imagine that! First, it wouldn’t be “slander”… it would be… if anything… libel. But even that’s just insanity because nothing in that book is a lie. I don’t recall if I mentioned any name in particular, but if I did, so be it. And if anybody wants to come after me in a law-suit? Negative publicity is better than none. I did, how-ever, delete the offending posts. Fuck the bunch and lot of them. – I’ve just come up from the last smoke of the day and there’s a half-moon in a sky that’s so perfect that even the half-moon illuminates the world tonight as much as a full moon would other-wise. Amazing! I was almost tempted to take the sleeping-bag out, put it on the chaise-longue frame and spend the night out there. Seeing references to “Homeless” on fessebook doesn’t help me much these days. And that’s amazing in and of itself because it’s still, after all this time, such a festering and open wound. I don’t suppose it will ever go away. – 23.37 tried to catch-up but can’t. Tired. Took a swig of the vodka and washed it down with the rest of the tonic. I NEED to get to SLEEP… and… Hopefully I’ll wake with the 5am alarm and get it all together and get something DONE/ACCOMPLISHED tomorrow! Carefully though. Monday begins HELL!

Sun.8.Jun: 6.10 just up from the smoke. Feeling awful this morning. Slept past the alarm at 5.00. A bit on the “crampy” side this morning. But… the sun is up and the dew is on the lawn. No mowing at this hour. In a bit, I want to go to the back and attend the flower beds. I don’t know about the lawn. I’d like to get it mowed… at least once over. But… I keep thinking: They just got that loan on the house (that I cleaned the place up for). What happened here? Spending… loose and free. And there’s been no interest in taking care of the place at all… only what I’ve done. And this isn’t the “correct” way. I’m feeling the right fool in this. Can’t help but think of how annoyed VIV is about it all as well. She too, knows that I’m being taken for an idiot. Well… We shall see. – And I’m still peeing in bottles, holding my bowels until… No. It’s not “right”. – Odd, how most people generally tend toward nasty… and me? I have to “work” at it. Stupid… of me. – 6.45 Up to date. The sun is still pouring in through the window, I’ve had my morning dump and want to nap! I WANT TO SLEEP!!!!! – It’s been quite busy on the road this morning. A “pre-fab” house just went by a bit ago… 2 tractors… to sides. Ever so funny to see out the window. Trucks passing as well… Sunday? Yeah… in the “country”… work… it never stops.-
*****
I HAVE NEVER BEEN PRESENTED WITH AN ENVIRONMENT OR ATMOSPHERE THAT WOULD MAKE ME EVEN REMOTELY FEEL “A PART OF THIS HOUSE-HOLD. THE DIFFERENCE IN THE DYNAMICS BETWEEN ME AND JESTER IS BLATANT. I don’t require feeling “a part of”, but to boldly MAKE THE DIFFERENCE OBVIOUS?
*****
15.07 I AM SO TIRED!!! Did nothing but clear out under and cut the dead off of the large bush on the South side of the back yard. But I AM SO TIRED! And… the scrap metal is not gone from the barn… all of it. Even the metal from between the barns. And all that work I put into it so that these morons could sell it… But they didn’t No. They actually had somebody come and simply TAKE it! Meanwhile, the barn looks a disastre. But that’s only because, well, nobody gives a shit. One thing: B. went up to remove the old TV dish and antenna this morning which meant taking the alumunium ladder out of the barn… the dish and antenna are gone… the ladder is still where it was. And it will stay there… until somebody else moves it. – As this was going on, Jester was in the kitchen preparing …. food for the beasts. And making a wash… And whining about having too much to do. JESUS CHRIST OSTIE D’TABARNAK MAUDITES! I HAVE GOT TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS! Whine, whine, whine… it’s making me ill! – Oh well, tomorrow morning, I’ll be out of here by 4.00 and won’t be back until about 20.00. (PLEASE THAT IT DOES NOT NOT NOT RAIN whilst I’m on the roads!) – And I got the 3rd mower in cutting order but the tyre slips round the wheel! If I could figure a way to bond them together there’s be THREE old reel mowers in working order – and only one “real” mower in the bloody house. Teehee… fuck. – B.and L. mozied to theback yard to gather rhubarb, how charming. Didn’t see me in the back-barn… good thing… I was dozing for a while. But imagine: dragging out to the yard to get… FOOD! Oh well. – I’ve got 3 franks and Ramen in the mug, heating at the moment. The fan is on. In short order I’ll go shower and get to bed. – I keep thinking of what Fran H. said on fessebook: Your heart shine through. – There are some who know what I put into a day. The rest? SHOVE IT! – Time to nosh, and browse the SocMed. – 16.32 OK. Just up from a smoke. Imagine this: I’m sitting on the back stoop, smoking. Jester comes out to prep the grill and shows me THEIR dinner tonight… EACH… a STEAK… AT LAST 3 INCHES THICK! So I told him: I can bike 40-plus miles on a package of Ramen noodles… somebody should take lessons. “I don’t know who needs a steak this thick because I certainly don’t” say Jester. So I commented on tossing money out the doors and windows and then whining because they’ve got none… and then got in a comment: I moved all that metal so they could sell it and instead, they just give it away… I’ve been told just how stupid I really am… but it won’t happen again. – Shit! Just noting because I know it’s going to get round and round and back to me again. – I also mentioned getting up at 3am to bike to work… in the rain. “It’s supposed to rain tomorrow?” says Jester. “Yup.” I said. “That’s why I’ve not patience nor sympathy nor compassion for shit any more.” – Round and round and round it goes and when it comes back? RIGHT IN THE FACE! – 19.46 HOT and humid and I’m off to the shower after a charming SKYPE WITH VIV!!! – Back-pack is packed with change of clothes and morning commute coffee. Plan: wear shit clothes for the ride and keep the “good” jeans and shirt at the office… wear rain-suit as needed. Fuck me! I’m all anxieties over this! But… we do what we must. – I over-heard B. telling L. something when I was down there earlier… and of course he mentioned something that Jester did that was SO “valuable” to the house-hold! I’m sick and tired of this shit. Truly sick and tired of if. Well… this week I’ll have enough time away… and hopefully I’ll find a way so that I won’t have to come back here for a couple of days. That would be WONDERFUL! A sign… tomorrow morning… in the lobby… a sign. I can HOPE! And I will – Meanwhile… SHOWER TIME! –

31,2km – 19,4mi
3.50: Out the door of the house
4.40: E.Sheldon Rd.
5.28: Fairfield border
6.20: Arrived at the office!
(That trip was never to happen again. From then on it was, on average, 3 hours to get to the office and 3,5 hours to return. And to think: 33 minutes via car.)

 

 

 

Mon.9.Jun: 3.13 Day 1 of 6… I woke at 2,59, before the 3am alarm. The wind chimes are only lightly tinkling out-side the window. A truly “gentle” breeze is blowing. I’ve gulped the coffee made last night and put up on the desk, and gone down for a morning smoke. There are stars just visible above this morning. Good. A light cloud cover. Weather report last night said that there’s a 20% chance of rain… after 3am. Winds from the North. Hopefully I’ll be head of any “rains” coming from that direction because I’ll beheaded South this morning. Ah… And yes, my chest is tight with anxiety. I’ll be on the roads for the next 3 hours at the very least… back roads, dirt roads. Not well-traveled roads. I hoe the bike holds. If not, there’s a lot … A LOT of walking that will have to be done. And if the rains catch-up with me… mud. Oh well. It’s as I just said to me this morning; There’s no “choices” in this matter this morning and we do what we must. It took me too long to get this job. I like this job. It’s one that I truly wanted. So, as it is with anything in Life: Nothing comes to any-one with-out a price. – A car just passed by on the road, going in the same direction I’ll be going in just a bit. Gee… I posted on the SocMed, looking for a lift. Nobody replied. Oh well… this started with having to travel in the first snow storm of the year, leaving here and returning. Ice and snow and blinding snows and such. There was the 6-hour walk and then some. This hasn’t been the easiest thing in my life. But I don’t suppose it’s the hardest either. I’ll have time to ponder that. – The Winter past, F. said “You’ve been through worse.” I replied “No. No I haven’t..” Maybe I have, on the surface. But if so, I was younger… then. And again, this morning, I wonder: How much more abuse is this ageing body going to take? The answer my friend, is waiting down the road… the answer is waiting ON the road. – Time to start to get ready. I’ve no idea how to dress for the occasion. I’ll just throw something on and hope it’s appropriate. – Day 1 of 6… And here we… go! – 3.27… The birds are just waking. Sun-rise will be coming… soon? I hope. It would be nicer to leave… not in the total darkness. Ah… “total darkness”. Hello darkness my old friend…. – Oh… 40% chance of rain this morning. The odds rise! – 15.07 I AM SO TIRED!!! Did nothing but clear out under and cut the dead off of the large bush on the South side of the back yard. But I AM SO TIRED! And… the scrap metal is not gone from the barn… all of it. Even the metal from between the barns. And all that work I put into it so that these morons could sell it… But they didn’t No. They actually had somebody come and simply TAKE it! Meanwhile, the barn looks a disastre. But that’s only because, well, nobody gives a shit. One thing: B. went up to remove the old TV dish and antenna this morning which meant taking the alumunium ladder out of the barn… the dish and antenna are gone… the ladder is still where it was. And it will stay there… until somebody else moves it. – As this was going on, Jester was in the kitchen preparing …. food for the beasts. And making a wash… And whining about having too much to do. JESUS CHRIST OSTIE D’TABARNAK MAUDITES! I HAVE GOT TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS! Whine, whine, whine… it’s making me ill! – Oh well, tomorrow morning, I’ll be out of here by 4.00 and won’t be back until about 20.00. (PLEASE THAT IT DOES NOT NOT NOT RAIN whilst I’m on the roads!) – And I got the 3rd mower in cutting order but the tyre slips round the wheel! If I could figure a way to bond them together there’s be THREE old reel mowers in working order – and only one “real” mower in the bloody house. Teehee… fuck. – B.and L. mozied to theback yard to gather rhubarb, how charming. Didn’t see me in the back-barn… good thing… I was dozing for a while. But imagine: dragging out to the yard to get… FOOD! Oh well. – I’ve got 3 franks and Ramen in the mug, heating at the moment. The fan is on. In short order I’ll go shower and get to bed. – I keep thinking of what Fran H. said on fessebook: Your heart shine through. – There are some who know what I put into a day. The rest? SHOVE IT! – Time to nosh, and browse the SocMed. – 16.32 OK. Just up from a smoke. Imagine this: I’m sitting on the back stoop, smoking. Jester comes out to prep the grill and shows me THEIR dinner tonight… EACH… a STEAK… AT LAST 3 INCHES THICK! So I told him: I can bike 40-plus miles on a package of Ramen noodles… somebody should take lessons. “I don’t know who needs a steak this thick because I certainly don’t” say Jester. So I commented on tossing money out the doors and windows and then whining because they’ve got none… and then got in a comment: I moved all that metal so they could sell it and instead, they just give it away… I’ve been told just how stupid I really am… but it won’t happen again. – Shit! Just noting because I know it’s going to get round and round and back to me again. – I also mentioned getting up at 3am to bike to work… in the rain. “It’s supposed to rain tomorrow?” says Jester. “Yup.” I said. “That’s why I’ve not patience nor sympathy nor compassion for shit any more.” – Round and round and round it goes and when it comes back? RIGHT IN THE FACE! – 19.46 HOT and humid and I’m off to the shower after a charming SKYPE WITH VIV!!! – Back-pack is packed with change of clothes and morning commute coffee. Plan: wear shit clothes for the ride and keep the “good” jeans and shirt at the office… wear rain-suit as needed. Fuck me! I’m all anxieties over this! But… we do what we must. – I over-heard B. telling L. something when I was down there earlier… and of course he mentioned something that Jester did that was SO “valuable” to the house-hold! I’m sick and tired of this shit. Truly sick and tired of if. Well… this week I’ll have enough time away… and hopefully I’ll find a way so that I won’t have to come back here for a couple of days. That would be WONDERFUL! A sign… tomorrow morning… in the lobby… a sign. I can HOPE! And I will – Meanwhile… SHOWER TIME! –

Mon.9.Jun: 3.13 Day 1 of 6… I woke at 2,59, before the 3am alarm. The wind chimes are only lightly tinkling out-side the window. A truly “gentle” breeze is blowing. I’ve gulped the coffee made last night and put up on the desk, and gone down for a morning smoke. There are stars just visible above this morning. Good. A light cloud cover. Weather report last night said that there’s a 20% chance of rain… after 3am. Winds from the North. Hopefully I’ll be head of any “rains” coming from that direction because I’ll beheaded South this morning. Ah… And yes, my chest is tight with anxiety. I’ll be on the roads for the next 3 hours at the very least… back roads, dirt roads. Not well-traveled roads. I hope the bike holds. If not, there’s a lot … A LOT of walking that will have to be done. And if the rains catch-up with me… mud. Oh well. It’s as I just said to me this morning; There’s no “choices” in this matter this morning and we do what we must. It took me too long to get this job. I like this job. It’s one that I truly wanted. So, as it is with anything in Life: Nothing comes to any-one with-out a price. – A car just passed by on the road, going in the same direction I’ll be going in just a bit. Gee… I posted on the SocMed, looking for a lift. Nobody replied. Oh well… this started with having to travel in the first snow storm of the year, leaving here and returning. Ice and snow and blinding snows and such. There was the 6-hour walk and then some. This hasn’t been the easiest thing in my life. But I don’t suppose it’s the hardest either. I’ll have time to ponder that. – The Winter past, F. said “You’ve been through worse.” I replied “No. No I haven’t..” Maybe I have, on the surface. But if so, I was younger… then. And again, this morning, I wonder: How much more abuse is this ageing body going to take? The answer my friend, is waiting down the road… the answer is waiting ON the road. – Time to start to get ready. I’ve no idea how to dress for the occasion. I’ll just throw something on and hope it’s appropriate. – Day 1 of 6… And here we… go! – 3.27… The birds are just waking. Sun-rise will be coming… soon? I hope. It would be nicer to leave… not in the total darkness. Ah… “total darkness”. Hello darkness my old friend…. – 20.20 Out the door at 3.50 and on the road!!! Sun-rise started on Rice Hill and was in full-swing at 4.38 at the E.Sheldon Rd.and Kane. And the ride? SHOCKING! Not bad at all!!! AT the PO by about 6.20 if that! The store in E.Fukfiled doesn’t take FS! So… 6 jellly donuts and CoffeeMate with my coffee all day. Still, even for a Monday, it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. And I got much of my paper-work ready for the rest of the week already! YAY ME! – Spoke with Aline. Saturday at Fuklin was perfect! HEY HEY HEY! And, closing was a breeze. – The ride back? BEST NEWS: SHELDON CREEK TAKES FS! I HAD A SAMICH AND ICE CREAM-SAMICH AND COKE AT THE FALLS THIS EVENING!!!!! WOAH HOAH!!! I AM THRILLED! THEN… stopped to chat a bit with Andrew and Acer for a tad. GOT IN THE DOOR AT JUST ABOUT 20.00!!! – B’s asleep. L’s lounged, Jester’s taking pills. – I brought Dixie out for a smoke when I got back. Came up to the room, showered! Coffee’s ready for tomorrow. I hope I am. – That’s that. – Will try for a quick check on VIV and then… SLEEP!!!! – One day down… 5 to go. I just might make it!

(Sun.15.Jun: 9.34 Blank after this. The only thing I recall this morning is that there was a sign on the bridge over the creek, in Fairfield that read “YARD SALE” and under these words “PASS STONES”. I didn’t know that “STONES” is the gas station/mini mart. But it struck me as rather funny… “pass stones”… as in “kidney stones” or “gall bladder stones”? I had to chuckle… and think to myself… how illiterate, how common, how typical. – The woman at “Stone’s” this morning was really quite cold. It wasn’t exactly the nicest welcome one could receive. I was “new” to town and she? She was rather typical of “small town” stupidity and arrogance. I was there to do the town a kindness and yet, I was being judged… an out-sider. New England… just plain nasty. – This morning, I had nothing else to wear so I wore the “work” clothes… dirty, filthy shirt and jeans. I was happy that I’d seen R. wearing shorts and hiking boots and that it wasn’t mandatory to be “formal” at the office. Still, I was a bit ashamed, dressed in a shirt with grass stains and jeans with soil on them. – 9.58 Recalling… On the trip back to the hell-hole, I stopped at the Sheldon Creek Market because I was so hungry and knew that if I didn’t get SOMETHING to eat at THIS time, there’d be NO eating at all, and that that wasn’t really an option, considering this was only the 1st of 6 days of this travel. So I walked in, looking, no doubt, like shit from the biking, and asked if they accepted the FS card.. THEY DO!!! AND… for “cold” sandwiches!!! I HAD a turkey, provolone, lettuce, tomato and banana peppers sandwich for 5$ and it was STUPENDOUS! I took it down to the “park” and to the little bench by the falls… to relax, eat, enjoy! At this point? No pressure. I was in no rush to get back. – Ah… “back”. I walk into the house to find L. lounging in the parlour, fukking about with the phone; B. already in bed for the night and Jester in the room, pill-popping. No sense in even allowing this shit to affect me. They’re sad and sorry and I’m doing what I feel I must and should do. They’ve created their own Hell… let them wallow in it, as pigs will. I simply came to the room, peeled off the wet clothes, headed for the shower and…)

Tue.10.June: tue 10.17 miserable night. couldnt fall asleep. hot flashes and crams. but the rooad isa dry this morning.3.34 Just up froma smoke with Dixie. My knees don’t seem to want to hold me up and I just HAD to take a shit down-stairs. Emergency situation. I was thinking this kind of morning would be by Thursday or Friday…. not Tuesday. But… here we go! At least I know it won’t take 3 hors to get to work… or will it? I hope not! And I hope the rains hold away. I hope… I’m stupid that way. – 20.26 RAIN this morning. Got to Skunks Misery and it began and lasted, lightly, for most of the trip. But I was out at 4.00 and got to the PO at just before 7. The rain suit works. Pain to put on in a panic. Gets hotter than a little oven along the way… then cold in the air. But it kept me dry! YAY! – Another “vermonter” waited for me at an interection then pulled out as I approached. Yes, he got the finger and I was prepped. But he disappeared… into the middle of no-here. Shortly after… CATTLE CROSSING!!!! TOO funny, that. Cows… they’re precious. One had a bad eye. I wanted to cry – Work was… delighfully slow. I was out by about 16.40 to clear skies and a North wind. – Sheldon Creek for roast beef samich at creek side and took my time comeing the rest of the way. No choice tho tonight. I’m running down. – Have showered… 3 aspirians. Nobody’s tlking and it seeme the wifi is out. It migt be that the phone too is out. Probably another one of those things “We can’t afford…” But we CAN afford booze, beer, 3 inch steaks on the grill, sitckers for the car… that sort of thing. Oh well… I’m still waiitng for the confrontation to come. One day soon…no doubt. – Well, WAIT PHONE IS ON. OK… Internet too. – Quick meteo check and to sleep!!!!! – 2 days down and 4 to go. 80 milles down and 160 to go… Will he make it? We’ll see…

(Sun.15.Jun: 9.42 I’m leaving the entry as I made it. Many typos and errors but indicative of how it was this morning. – I remember thinking, this morning, that my body hasn’t had time to recover from the stress of yesterday. I still don’t know how I managed to make that trip so quickly yesterday. It was a matter of trying the “new” route… NOT taking the dirt roads, but opting for the paved. Still, I pushed myself and my body and this morning was the price to be paid. And yes, I HAD to take that quick shit down-stairs this morning. It just came on suddenly. – When I started out this morning, it was over-cast, so I figured it might remain so until I got to work, but JUST as I got to the top of the first hill out of town, it started to sprinkle… and I hoped that was all that was coming… HAH! At just before Skunks Misery I KNEW it was about to let loose, so I stopped the bike, pulled out the rain suit. It was a bit difficult to put on, on the road, in a bit of a panic as the rains got heavier. But… once on, I was HAPPY to have it! Didn’t take long on the bike until I’d worked-up enough body heat to begin to sweat. And, the “suit” being PVC? HEAT and SWEAT inside it. I was drenching… not from rain, but from sweat. Still, I was a LOT drier than I would have been, had I not had the suit. And keeping a bit fry this morning, dressed again in the work shirt and jeans from the week-end… ICK! – ***** At the North Rd. at the Pond Rd. this morning, some shit4brains actually sat, in the car, waiting for me to approach the intersection as I coasted down the hill and JUST as I was getting close enough, the shit pulled out in front of me! I flipped the bird, hoping the son-of-a-bitch would stop the car. I was all prepped to pounce through the windshield this morning. I’ve had more than my fill of these retards. But he buzzed off into the distance. Probably best that he did so. – As I approached the Howigers’… I believe it is… farm, right after the “Cow Crossing” sign, I noticed some cars stopped in the road. INDEED!!! COWS CROSSING! They’re SO precious! Timid animals, and easily startled. They strolled past the cars but apparently I was something TOO unfamiliar and when I bade them “Good morning” they startled a bit. Some ran forward, others, back. Thankfully, there was no stampede. Still, it put a smile on my face as I stood, in the rain, straddling the bike, in the cow-shit that they left on the road. I smiled. They were adorable! And me? I felt rather blessed to be a part of this, this morning. – It was a roast beef sandwich at creek-side this evening and the girls at the Market were a bit more personable today. All told, I enjoy this part of the day quite a lot: SITTING to enjoy eating!!! OK. Only a cold sandwich, but it tastes WONDERFUL, and it IS healthy eating… SHIT! It’s EATING! But it’s peaceful and I don’t need to consider potential out-bursts of bitchiness and don’t have to watch the pigs at the trough shovelling the swill down their gullets. – I took my time… mostly because I HAD to… today was a bit on the “painful” side, but I just did what I do… what was necessary… and tried to pace it. – On the E.Sheldon/Pleasant St… there’s a little pekinese who came running out to yip at me yesterday… he came back again today. Cutest little thing… follows me up the road a bit. I panic because of the shit-tards in this area who’d just as soon run the poor little thing down. But he’s SO CUTE! Bark, bark, bark and tail a-wagging all the while! Just another cause for a smile on the trip… in spite of the fatigue and muscle aches.)

wed.11.Jun: 3.20 I AM IN PAIN THIS MORNING! And it’s chilly and I just saw the moon set over the barn… thorugh th eclouds. But there’s stars in the sky. And a head-wind… a CHILLY hwad-wind this morning. Faith C. saw me ont he 36 yessterdya! – 20.53 Rode back in the rain. Didn’t start until aboit 16.15! The ride in this morning was FUCKIG GORGEOUS with the mist… but COLD! Realtively quick and relatively easy. Cow crossing again this morning. CUTE! I went thorug. Cows run like women in high heels. – I’m the talk. E Fairfield, Frnaklin, Highgage, Enosburg, Bakersfield. Odd… but nobody makes a “news thing” out of ME…. OTHERS? Yes, ME? Hell no! Ah… fuck the world. – WOnderufl recepton at the Creek Market. Smaich on the bridge in the drizzle. – The rain suit is a blessing! – Quick check of weather now. – 80% torrow. 90% Friday! 75mm in thr course of 2 dys! DELUGE! OF fuckingcourse! South winds… head-winds TO work! Fuck me! No break until Saturday. Oh well… – 19.50 Showered and in the bed! I don’t know how but I walked in at 19.30!BOOTS FULL OF WATER…
MENTIONED IT TO BOB ANDLYLE… LYLE CHUCKLED WITH A HUGE SMILE AND BOB SMILED AND DISMISSED ME WITH A “WAVE-AWAY” OF 2 FINGERS. I pray for instant Karma.
And the day went quite well. Napped about an hour after a quick morning routine… I got in… through pouring rian, at about 7/10! (AND… CONSTANT POURING RAIN ALL THE WAY BACK TO THIS FUCK-HOLE! CONSTANT! NO WONDER I ACTUALLY HAD TO POUR THE WATER OUT OF THE BOOTS! And the jeans are wet… the back-pack straps are soaked… it’s goung to be an interesting morning tomorrow since there’s supposed to be MORE of this rain shit… ) – Come to find out… Faith C? E. Fairfield! POB holder and all! TOo funny, that. – Off to comments on fessebook. Maybe a quick smoke and to sleep… Ihope. Early morning tomorrow… Day 5 of 6!!!

(Sun.15.Jun: 12.19 it was quite the painful morning, this. My old body just isn’t happy with all this abuse. I woke this morning, and as usual, gulped the cold coffee and went out for my smoke. The sky was DARK with cloud cover but just light enough to show the light of the moon, setting behind the barn with an almost eerie glow. Another day of… mauvais… that’s all I could think of. But, there’s no choice in this matter at this point. There’s nobody to phone to fill-in for me and… I made the promise. Up to the room to quickly brush the teeth, throw on some clothes that aren’t nasty – yet – and get on the road! There was another head-wind to be dealt with again this morning, and with the rains in the forecast, well… – OK then. The ride this morning turned out to be SO IMPRESSIVELY GORGEOUS! The air was crystal clear from all the rains, and as I approached the first crest of the first hill on the N.Sheldon Rd. the view was SEPCTACULAR! There was a mist following the Missisqoui down below and in the little hollows off in the distance! It was one of those mornings where Creation is quite AMAZING! And I was just rather delighted, gleefully delighted, I suppose it might be called, to be able to see this! These are the moments when I feel rather honoured to be able to witness such things, such beauty. And I feel that the others who either see but don’t witness and those who lay their fat arses in bed are those who almost don’t deserve to be a part of any of Creation at all. Just… WOW! for me though. But… I have to say, the air was quite CHILLY this morning… most uncomfortably chilly. Still, better chilly than oppressively hot.- At the Cattle Crossing, again this morning, there they were. And again this morning, my presence took them all by a bit of shock. They really are precious creatures. So large and yet so docile and easily spooked. A couple of them took off at a trot, up the road and down. And I had to chuckle: when they run, they remind me of women in high heeled shoes… the way their legs move and the clip-clop of their hooves. They gave me cause to grin and be a bit amused and happy this morning. – Spoke with Aline today. According to her, I’m all the talk… Franklin, Highgate (Cindy), Enosburg (Stacy)… no doubt, Richford… and according to the truck driver, Bakersfield knows and so too, Fairfield, Sheldon and Sheldon Springs would know as well. It makes me think: lesser efforts make the “news”… all a-buzz about stupid little shit of people walking 10 miles to something, or some kid doing something that the public finds SO interesting. And yet, a 59 year old man, so dedicated to his job and under such conditions means nothing. People will rally round the dumbest shit, and me? As usual, as always, as it is… NOT WORTH IT! Not a damned finger, nor a word. I’m fed the fuck up with them all. Today? I thank them all for the kindnesses and favours… they can eat their own shit and die slowly and miserably. I do nothing for anyone else from this point forward… They dome no favours… I owe them none…NOTHING! It’s time I stop being the dumbfuk. – I arrived at the PO at about 7.10 this morning. And during the closed hours, pulled up a few tubs, sat back in the chair and napped… NAPPED! It made all the difference in the world, that little bit of a rest. And the rest of the day? A delight! AND, come to find out, one of the people whom I don’t know, but communicate with from time to time on fessebook? The one who commented that she’d seen me on the 36? WELL SHIT! A BOX-HOLDER IN THE PO!!!!! HOW ODD IS LIFE? – The day… Fine… Until… 16.30 and time to hit the road and… RAIN, RAIN, RAIN!!! JUST as I had to leave, of course. I had to pay for this morning’s nice ride… and did I ever PAY! – But the reception at the Market was wonderful today. I’ve become “familiar” and greeted more warmly. Pastrami was today’s dinner and I had it whilst standing on the bridge over the creek… in a drizzle. I can’t help but think: these days are no different from being Homeless… especially the eating out-of-doors… standing… in the rain. Homeless… again. Just… Homeless. How I do SO wish I could just get on the bike and some-where, in no-where, take a heart-attack, just enough to get off the road, into a bit of woods, lay down and DIE! How I DO SO WISH! – SOME-how I made it back to the house at about 19.30 this evening! DREADFUL, that. BUT… when I got in this evening, I literally, LITERALLY POURED THE WATER OUT OF MY BOOTS! THEY ARE NOT “WATER-PROOF” AT ALL!!! FULL OF WATER! But then, THEN, I walk into the house, past the parlour, and so as to be “sociable”, I stopped to pass comment, at the very least and mentioned the water in the boots. “The box clearly indicated ‘water-proof’ but they must have meant the box is water-proof because the boots are FULL of water. WELL? LYLE ACTUALLY LAUGHED!!! AND BOB DISMISSED ME WITH A BIT OF A WAVE-OFF WITH 2 FINGERS! It had rained, constant and steady all the way back to the house, my back-pack straps are SOAKED and even the back of it is wet from where the rain managed to get down through the plastic bags that I cover it with. BOOTS FULL OF WATER… and they LAUGH!!! LAUGH!!! HOW I pray for instant Karma! OH! How I PRAY! EVIL.. PURE AND SIMPLE… EVIL! It isn’t even “Schadenfreude” at this juncture… it’s just plain EVIL! – I showered, and a quick check of the forecast reveals… MORE RAIN! This shit is just NOT going to stop!!! Well, at least for the time I have to bike in it. Nothing I can do about it… Nature does what Nature does… it’s all a matter of my perception of it. – Quick check to the SocMed and… another day… closed.)

Thu.12.Jun: Oh I have to go back and remember this now (on Fri. night): RAIN RAIN RAIN TO AND FROM FROM FROM!!! Cows crossing. Poured water out of my boots when I got to the house. Lyle laughed and Bob dismissed me with a 2-finger wave-off!!! Fuck this shit!

(Sun.15.Jun: 12.57 The only thing that I can recall about the travel for today is that it did, indeed, rain TO the office and FROM the office. – This morning, I put plastic bags on my feet, over my socks, to keep my feet dry in the wet boots. I’d put the boots in front of the fan all night. It took most of the water out but not all. I put Hannaford’s shopping bags over the boots. It looked rather stupid, but I’m not into “fashion” these days. Gladly, I report, the bags held rather well, right up to the PO when I got off the bike and they ripped when they caught the pedal. But on the trip back, I put garbage bags over the boots and THEY held all the way back to the house! So what dampness was in the boots is pretty much still there but there’s NO MORE water in them! YAY! – The silliest things are cause for celebration in my miserable existence. – Dinner this evening was eaten under the trees by the creek, and I had all to do to keep the rain from soaking the sandwich. And this evening, the “being Homeless” feelings were extremely strong. It’s empty… very empty. And the total absence of compassion, even a bit of caring… as I stand in the rain, alone… today it weighed quite heavily. I wonder, but only seldom. Because wondering leads to nothing but no answers and there are no answers. People… humanity… no matter what… it’s all just SHIT. There are few exceptions… but even they can’t be trusted. They’ll be kind on the surface, pretending to be compassionate, until such time when it no longer serves them and they stop and show their true colours and faces… and both are disgusting. And so, I stand in the pouring rain, alone, in a bit of pain, trying to keep the rain from soaking my one sandwich, my only nourishment of the day… alone… and not one bit of humanity gives even the slightest bit of a shit. – My little “friend” the pekinese wasn’t there to greet me today. It was a lonely ride back to the misery that is that house. Ah.. but I must admit: at least I’m not in a tent along the road-side. There’s a bed to go to… Yeah… just like there was a bed to go to at the Shelter. The difference? In the Shelter, there were people with Compassion, Sympathy and Empathy… other Homeless people. Here? This is all bull-shit. – I’ve resolved: I don’t care any longer. I just don’t. It’s time I let out what *I* feel. FUCK! It’s fine for others to dump on me… Time to scrape it off and dump it all back. It’s time. No more!)

Fri.13.Jun: somethings wrong with this journal the days are missing! Rain in the morning until Sheldon then no rain to E. Fairdied. work nap plasitc bags in and on boots. No rain on trip back. Samich again at sheldon on the bridge this eve. – Peggy due in tomorrow until Sun. Joy. I need aplace to SLEEP! – Showered at 20.49 with last smoke.

 

 

 

 

(Sun.15.Jun: 13.07 It had gotten to the point where the dates I was putting down were just “there” and I wasn’t paying attention. Like yesterday’s entry… and not being able to recall… Well, it truly doesn’t completely matter. The bits of shits are being noted and they’re pretty damned close to the dates. Besides, it’s not the dates, it’s the events that matter at all. – Today’s ride was rather interesting in that, when I left the house this morning, it was POURING!!! BUT… when I got to Sheldon, almost AT the town line, the rain STOPPED! AND… there was no rain until the slightest drizzle in E.Fairfield! ON THE WAY BACK? No rain… UNTIL… almost AT the town line for Fuklin! THIS TOWN IS CURSED! Misery, misery, misery. – The day at the PO went quite well again and today I HAD to talk with S… How I dread ANY connection with her at all for any reason! But I got the paper-work to her that she needed and learnt how to use the “fax” machine and such. Aline called for my hours for pay-roll and asked if I’d work for her 3 days next month! Hey! It’s not much, but it’s something more! AND… it’s not a 20mile bike ride in the rain! – ONE MORE DAY TO GO WITH ALL OF THIS! I’d put all the envelopes and such together for me when I started, and watched, during the week, as they went from 5, to 4, to 3 to this evening when there was only ONE left! It’s not that I don’t like being in that office. On the contrary… I LUV it there! But this count-down is only for the travel… AND the fact that I’ve lived-up to my promise and that somebody has had a well-deserved week to himself (R.) – When I left the PO today, I was be-decked all in my usual plastics, but there was no rain on the trip back. So, dinner this evening was taken on the bridge, over the creek, relatively dry. – This daily travel in this weather is truly beginning to take a toll… physically. I can actually feel my body running down. But… I keep on keepin’ on. No trouble. It’s not worth thinking about anyway. The ONLY person who gives a shit one way or the other is… me… and the World makes it abundantly clear… that means NOTHING at all. – Well… Peggy and Bruce are due to arrive tomorrow. They’ll be bringing the “new car”! How charming. I just hope that there’s not going to be a whole lot of to-do when I get back because tomorrow, I’m planning on getting in, getting showered and getting into bed… at what-ever time it might be, and, should I be lucky enough to fall asleep, NOT getting out of the bed until I damned-well need to or want to. I NEED a PLACE to SLEEP! But of course, I don’t plan on getting any… if nothing else, I’ll have to hear that fucking piece of Mexishit yipping all about the place. FUKTARDZ! The bloody-fucking lot of them! But, as I travel and think on it: the obese shits that they are, lounging and lazing, one with diabetes and needing insulin to survive from day to day, the other one with the sissy hernias and such, shit marriage to the woman and 3 kids that are kept away… that cheque for 12G that he can’t touch that goes to the one kid… HAHAHAHH! … and the other one with all the rods and screws and bolts and such in the back and arms and the coldness of this past Winter… You know? They deserve what they have… and so much more… May they rot in their inherent evil. Meanwhile, I get on the bike or walk the roads and see just how beautiful this planet can be. I get up, get out, get around… I don’t “need at least 400$” to make my travels worth the effort. And I CAN and DO travel… instead of laying round and about be-moaning and whining and wallowing like a sow in slop. Things are miserable, yes. But they’re a damned far cry from being COMPLETE HELL! Meanwhile, I remember: ***** When I began working, I made some nice income, which I GAVE to them, to catch up on arrears. I COULD HAVE and I SHOULD HAVE put that money toward a CAR for ME! But I didn’t. I was STUPID! And now? Somebody else buys THEM a car!!! OK! So now I see who the TRUE DUMFUK is here… AND THIS IS THE END MY FRIEND. OH-VUH! I’ve worked EVER SO HARD for the little bit that’s to come in from these days. I’ve put in a LOT of my own energies and body into this… NOT-MY-HOUSE and property. FUCK YOU! And… when the moment arrives? I’ll have MY CAR… and all the truths will come out… ***** And today, for some reason, I kept thinking about Bob’s postings to the SocMed about how HE had ANYTHING to do with the condition of this place… the gardens, flowers, the scrap metal… Oh no… THAT’S GOING TO BE CORRECTED… simply because that’s the way *I* want it to be.)

Sat.14.Jun: 3.42 Incredible weather this morning! The rain will be following me all along the route! As if I have my own provate rain storm! Life… it’s a fuck-all! Indeed! Didn’t sleep well at all last night for some reason. And this morning I’ve got LUGGAGE under my eyes! How charming. Off we go! Wrapped in plastice! – 16.56 Rine on the way to Sheldon!RAIN! Then drizzle. Left at 4.15 in and 6.50! Great day! PO Box rented and such. All closing ON TIME! left 11.00 stop for samich and such at creek-side.. Front break grabbed. I FLEW over. 2 cars slowed. nobody stopped. FUKKEM! – No energy. Sunshine en route back. HOT in the rain suit!!! Arri’d appro 15.30. Bruce, B. and Jester out front. chit chat. Peggy cutting L’s hair out back. LOVELY chat with. Up to shower. Now, in bed, having an ale. Had a swig of vidka and 3 aspirins. My ribs HURT! And mexicshit yipping! Fuktardz – THEIR new car is here. They’re off to somwhere. – Penny said “When Jude’s had a bite to eat…” L. gave a LOOK as if “NO!” and then said “There’s all kinds of salads. I just wnat to SLEEP! And that’s what I intend to do. Even now. TIred. ENOUGH! But… BUT… I MADE IT! 6 DAYS. BIKING IN THE RAIN AND SUCH! I MADE IT!

(Sun.15.Jun: 14.12 A check of the day’s weather revealed that this morning’s rain, which, at the beginning of the week was supposed to be this morning’s clear skies, will be following me right along, right down to the hours I’ll be on the road. AND… the ONE “break” in it all? The map shows ONE spot of rain, at the Fairfield Centre 4 corners, which should be there JUST at the very time I will be arriving there! Is this at all possible? Indeed it is. So typical. Just SO typical. – But as it turned out, it was OK when I left the house this morning. But as soon as I got to Sheldon, the rains began in earnest. But I was prepped… all in plastic, and simply kept right on going. I’d left the house at about 4.15 and arrived at the PO at about 6.50! I don’t know HOW… but I did! It was a rather empty ride this morning. No cows in the crossing… just me and the fuckarses splashing me with road dirt and cow shit. A typical and normal commute. – It was an interesting day at work. Of course, there was MORE stuffed into the brief hours… like box rents being paid and the likes, so I HAD to make a deposit which meant more paper-work. And I wasn’t quite certain of the hours of operation, so I followed the posted times on the blue-box. Let’s see if this brings any sort of trouble… SHIT! I’m still wondering if I’ll be paid the mileage. But if not, there’s certainly going to be MUCH SHIT SPEWED until I DO get paid. – All told though, the morning went quite well and along and… I was OUT of there by 11.00!!! ON TIME! WOOHOO! AND… to a clearing sky! NO RAIN! NO RAIN! NO RAIN! I was all in the rain suit which made it quite HOT and sweaty riding along. I’d posted the box of clothes and papers and such and… I wasn’t about to trust the weather forecast today, so I kept the rain suit on, no matter what. – Today’s visit to the Market was a delight. I took my time moving along the road, mostly because, well, I couldn’t do anything other. No “nap” time today and I was EXHAUSTED!!! So I stopped in, got my “samich” and headed down to the bench at creek-side. WELL! I NOTICED THAT THE BACK BRAKES AREN’T WORKING ON THE BIKE AND WHEN I WENT TO USE THE FRONT, GOING DOWN INTO THE LITTLE PARK… KA-BLAM-BANG AND OVER THE HANDLE-BARS I WENT! KA-BOOM! ONLY JUST BARELY MISSED THE ROCK!!! WHEN I WENT DOWN!!! THE NOTICABLE MOMENT? TWO CARS WERE PASSING AS I WENT DOWN. BOTH SLOWED… NEITHER STOPPED TO SEE IF I WAS OK! FUCK! PEOPLE! I’M FINISHED WITH HUMANITY. DONE WITH THE APATHY. FUCK THEM ALL. I GO THROUGH SHIT AND WHAT HAPPENS? NOT A DAMNED THING! SO? THIS IS IT! THEEND. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT “OTHERS” ANY MORE. MY TIME TO “USE” AND STOP BEING “ABUSED” AND TAKEN FOR GRANTED. NOPE. NOT HAPPENING ANY LONGER. NOW WATCH… THE SHIT WILL HIT THE FAN AND I’LL BE THE ONE ATTACKED FOR BEING THE PRICK! WELL? TOO FUCKING SHIT-BAG BAD. I DO NOT NEED, WANT, REQUIRE NOR WISH FOR “APPROVAL” FROM ANYBODY. FUCK YOU ALL WORLD! ROT… SLOWLY… PAINFULLY… MISERABLY… FETIDLY… JUST ROT. YOU’VE LOST YOUR “GOOD FRIEND”. FUCK YOU ALL! – But “dinner” was quite nice, as usual. I was quite hungry, primarily because of the fatigue. But I enjoy that time at the creek and have resolved to making the trip just for the sake of enjoying a nice little lunch… A-FUKCING-LONE! – As I passed Andrew’s (?) today, I stopped to play a bit with Acer! SO much fun, that black Lab! SO wonderful! When I approached him, he actually did a little whimper and his tail started wagging! SO cuddly and friendly and such. I spoke with Andrew a bit, played a bit with Acer and was on my way. Between Acer and the little pekinese, I’ve made little friends along the route. I’ll have to make the trip again… at leisure. It’ll be enjoyable to see the little critters…and it’ll be a delight and joy to be away from this place. – Ah… when I arrived at the shit-hole, Boob, Jester and Bruce were out front… with the new car. How charming. Boob made a point of speaking on the mileage I’ve put on the bike and Bruce made a point of saying how he admired my stamina but wouldn’t do it himself. I made of point of bluntly telling all present that I don’t give a shit what others think… approval or other-wise. The point is: I accepted the offer to put in the hours, and I did it… alone… with-out any help or assistance. I didn’t ask… none was offered, so the opinions of others don’t matter. I was alone all the while, through the rains and all… alone. So others are free to opine and it makes not one bit of importance one way or the other. – I’d SO wanted to put it all in simpler terms, but Bruce has nothing to do with any of it so I left it at that and the little boys went to talking about their bicycles. I remained congenial. – When I went to go back into the house, Lylette was perched on a stool in the back-yard, Penny was cutting it’s hair. Delightful. (Fuck) Penny asked me to make more cards, like the one I’d made for them to thank them for the Christmas gifts, and she offered to BUY them from me! Also offered to SELL them for me! I told her I’d try to make more for her… promising nothing more than that. Hold your breath… not happening. – Then she made the comment: ***** You guys… said Penny… “you guys have made such a difference in the barn.” FUCK THIS SHIT! TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FUCK THIS SHIT! PERIOD! You GUYS? PLURAL? My turn is coming… there’s to be quite the clarification of Boob’s posting to fessebook made. And it’s not going to be pretty. Not vulgar… but certainly not pretty. ***** Something was mentioned about doing something “… after I’m finished here with Lyle’s hair and Jude’s had a bite to eat.” WELL! THE LOOK FROM LYLETTE WHEN THAT LINE-ABOUT A BITE TO EAT- WAS MADE! THE EXPRESSION WAS “YOU WOULDN’T DARE TAKE ANYTHING TO EAT!!!” BUT THE WORDS THAT CAME WERE “There’s a lot of salads in there.” ACCOMPANIED BY THAT SAME LOOK! I said nothing and came into the house… – Up to the room to peel off the wet clothes, into the shower to scrub away. The bags under my eyes are atrocious! Fascinating shit, those. But UGLY! – Back in the room, I took a HUGE swig of vodka, opened the bottle of Shed’s ale, swallowed my 3 aspirin with some water and settled into the bed to finish the ale. It didn’t take moments… I’d arrived back at the house at about 15.15-so I was told when I asked for the time- and it was now about 17.00. The sun was shining, I put the fan on, put my boots in front, stacked my wet clothes and bags and settled into the bed… started to jot on this journal, made a comment or two on fessebook and…. THAT WAS THE END OF IT ALL! DONE! PASSED RIGHT THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT! – 6 DAYS… 240 MILES – Penny says it’s 191 miles from her house to Swanton. I told her: I could have made a visit to your house and still had a couple miles left in me. No comment followed… of course. – BUT… I DID IT! ALONE! ME! BY MYSELF! AGAIN! I AM ALL THAT AND THEN SOME! PASSED RIGHT THE ACTUALY FUCK OUT!

Sun.15.jun:
At the very moment in time when I should be approaching the 4 corners of Fairfield Centre… the rain! Of course!

3.19 I’ve been awake from since shortly after 2.00, Awake on my own 9 hours of sleep… Sleep? I think so. I not sooner finished the brief entry for yesterday at 16.56 and once I’d done with the beer… I heard nothing at all from that point on. This morning though, I am not only looking like total shit, bags under the eyes and generally “ANCIENT”, but my right side is PAINFUL! More-so than yesterday. I went for a smoke and touched it and BANG! It feels like muscle pain, not organ pain. But it’s terrible. And out-side, the weather is cloudy, the world is damp… and cold.All of my clothes are damp and cold… ALL of my clothes are damp… and cold. I’m tired of being damp and cold… SO tired of being damp and cold. But there’s HOT coffee beside me here… HOT coffee with creamer. Hopefully that’ll take some of the damp and cold away. – I’ve been trying to re-think this past week. It’s a blob of thought this morning. No one day is any different from any other day. One mass of memory matter at this point. Just a lot of “rain, wind, wet, the stench of cow-shit: and fatigue” and some other moments mixed in. I’m exhausted. I dread today. I dread tomorrow. I dread, dread, dread this town, this house… even this state. Dread. – The hot coffee is delightful though. The fan is on. It’s been on all through the night, to keep the air circulating in this room, keep the “damp” smell out. Now, it blows into the boots that never got a chance to fully dry… and into the back-pack that, in spite of 3 plastic bags over it, managed to become wet… and is now… damp. – Damp… I’m tired of damp… and the breeze coming in through the windows smells of cow-shit. I’m SICK of the stench of cow-shit! – Weather check… maybe a trip to Bedford today. – 8.37 Stayed awake until about 5.00 and then back to sleep. I don’t give a fuck! And even now… more clouds! I’m tired tired tired of this weather. And my right side is still painful. But I’ll keep that to myself. Won’t do any good to speak on it anyway. – Still got those miserable bags under the eyes. Looks like total SHIT! Really! It’s just that I don’t want to look ill… and this does. – I should have already gone through a pkg of donuts by now… I’ve had 4 “Cow tails”. I SO fucking hate this house. But things are about to drastically change. I’ve had too much time to “thing, plot, plan and scheme”… on the road alone… Things are about to change. – 9.32 Second smoke. Time to try to re-cap the week here. It’s as if my brain wants so much to avoid thinking about it. But… let’s see how much I can recall… THIS should be interesting. – 13.36 and I’m still in the bed, still in my jammy-sweats. I’ve been snoozing and dozing all morning. The sun’s only just come through the passing clouds and there’s been a delightful breeze blowing in the window. – Imagine: the clothes line is full of clothes… Jester’s clothes!!!!! The fucktard does NOTHING all week… but on Sunday, it does its washing! Meanwhile, my clothes are still wet from the week’s travels in the rain. Oh well.. tomorrow morning? I’ll be at the washer and dryer… 5.30. I’ve things to do and places to go to and the weather is supposed to be delightful and… I don’t give any more of a fuck about “them” than they give about me. Times, they are a-changin’ here. – 14.09 Dressed, as it were. Posted a bit of a note to VIV via Skype. Not a word all week. But then… – Out for a smoke. The lawn was mowed. Jester paid. Fool. There’s some grass that didn’t get mowed behind the barn. Figures. And the “fire-wood” for the “fire pit”? Covered by the growth of the what-ever it is growing back there. I’m not touching it… NONE of it. – Meanwhile, my right side is SO painful today. It had better be better tomorrow! It just had better be! I’ve places to get to! And no time for this shit. – Back to catch-up on the week. One more day to go… yesterday… which was the one more day to go out of the 6. How odd… – 14.46 Dressed, some-what, and still on the bed and caught-up with the journal and ready for yet another nap. The house has been rather still all day. Of course… the Lardzos are lounging. The sun has been shining. I have no desire to go out into it today. I’ve no desire to “go” or even move about for anything. I’m getting a bit hungry, but it’s getting to that hour where I should be thinking in terms of getting to the Market for my sandwich. I could go next door… I won’t. I just don’t have the energy… yet. – The ugliness of the bags under the eyes is lessening. That’s nice. I wonder what I’ll look like tomorrow when I get to see Aline. Who cares? I want a nap! – 18.12 (Overture?) Well, this has been a wasteful day of lounging on the bed and browsing about the internet. There are things that could have been done. But I chose to do nothing. Besides, the only thing that SHOULD have been done was my wash.. Ah… but those who do shit-fuckall all week had to do theirs today. So, tomorrow morning, ever so bright and early (because in a matter of a few short hours I will be in bed for the night and awake ever so early in the morn…) tomorrow morning, I shall wash my wash, shower and be off on the road! AND… I will be taking into full account the fact that I’ve been in this room all day and not once did anybody say “Hello” or anything at all. Even as I passed to have my 3 smokes. SO? So… – Right now… Ramen noodles… with peanut-butter and then? Smoke and to bed for the night. Tomorrow belongs to me! – 21.56 DAY IS DONE and I’ve done nothing with it. And I don’t give a shit! – Good night!

Mon.16.Jun: 5.31 I’d set the alarm for 4.00 but lay in bed, half-dozing until about 4.30. Boob just left. I’ve been to the loo (down-stairs) and for a smoke, finished my morning coffee. And this morning, I am still in pain on the right side. Legs are still stiff. But there’s laundry to be done and me to get on the road at some point in the near future. A quick stop to the PO, before departure for the North (just in case I don’t make it back on time to fetch the parcel that waits at the PO) and away we go. “Go”… I don’t much feel up to “Go” today. But “stay” is certainly not an option… not in this house. – Before I dozed to sleep last night I thought… Yesterday I’m not into 3 months behind in the rent here. I shouldn’t think in such terms, but I do. I do keep thinking: I’ve worked my body into a mess round this place, so that the fat queens can take the credit (in spite of the fact that now I’m certain that not only this shit-hole town knows but all those mentioned during this week now know WHO the ACTUAL worker is round here… AND… I DO keep thinking that, should it come to it, I’ve still got the law … for what-ever that’s worth round here… on my side. AND… should it come to it, putting the screws to me will cost THEM so MUCH more than it will cost me… Alas… Oh well… and what a delightful way to begin a day). – I NEED to get the wash in… at 6.00 it will go. Fuck this shit of being “Considerate”. I return the favours of “consideration” just as they’re given. – Of course, the weather this morning is quite nice. A bit chilly and rather damp but light and sunny. Fuck me, of course. Just generally, fuck me. Of course. – 7.00 and the “whites” are in the washer… the “blues” are to come next. The Carhart jeans are going in! – I’ve posted some rather blunt posts to the fessebook page. One is rather nice, I think… about Mum… to Vicki. I can’t wait to see the reactions and responses… Knowing the shit in the world, nothing will be favourable. But then again… FTW. – 17.38 The three of them just took off in the Saab… didn’t even bother to ask if I’d like to go this time. FTW indeed. 18.23 Showered and back in bed. –
I WENT HOME TODAY! – But, before I get into that… it must have been round about 10.30 or so when the knock came at the door. L., he had to go get the new car inspected today and… would I ride along with him. FUCK YOU! I have nothing to do but sit about and wait on you? FUCK YOU! I told him that I had to go to the PO and run errands that are backed-up because of work last week. Looking across the hall at Jester, laying in the bed, I said “He’s not going with you?” and the reply was “He hasn’t made up his mind yet.” FUCK YOU! I told Jester “Get up. Get dressed. Get out! See the world!” Reply: “There’s not much world out there to see.” and L. added “Not around here anyway.” FUCK YOU! The only places in the North that Jester knows are the routes to Walmart and Winooski/CostCo. FUCK YOU! NO! I’m not going with you! For that car?!? I biked to work in the pouring rain all last week, not even a hint of an offer of a lift. And TODAY you’d like me to accompany you? FUCK YOU! The issue died and I showered, dressed and left for the PO where I picked-up my parcel, turned-in my time cards, chatted briefly with Aline and came back to the house, got the bike and left. FUCK YOU! – I WENT HOME TODAY! The ride was nerve-wracking. There’s something odd with the gears and I have to check it. The bike makes all sorts of odd noises as I coast and the rear wheel is a bit loose. I must to fix that.. tomorrow morning!!! But I made the trip, taking my time. Métro for 2 boxes of “Au Caramel” (on sale!) and 4 smokes… THEN on to Rona to find a battery for the little odometre on the bike. They didn’t have it so I went to BARRY’S for POUTINE!!!!! They don’t do exchange rates but for 7,90$, I had a medium poutine and a Pepsi and it was GOOOOOOD! And I was back on the bike and… back to the ShitState. (Saw Jo on the way up…) Costumes was quick on the return. I over-heard the guy in the office say something about me working at the post office. AND… the nice guy who took and returned my passport addressed me as Mr.K…. Rather a delight. – Stopped to chat with a young guy sitting at the corner of Morses Line/207. He’s taking census of the cars… From noon to 18.00 today and tomorrow from 6-12.00… Out there in no-where. We chatted a bit and I was back on the road in short order. – Got back to the house round about 16.00 or so. I’d left at about 11.30. But I didn’t hurry in either direction. FTW. – Saab out front. Boob’s on the south side of the house. Dixie and I had a smoke and I came in. – Asked Jester about the inspection.”Lyle was messing with all the things in the car and we almost hit a mail-box!” said he. He wasn’t paying attention to his driving and kept swerving off the road! AhhhhhHAHAHAHAHAH! FUCK YOU! Too bad he didn’t swerve into a post box… or phone pole… or gully. Well… the day will come for that, I’m certain. – Jester was fixing their dinner. I came to the room to get comfy for the night. – As I got comfy, they ate. I didn’t. Then they took off leaving me to shower and such. So I’ve done that, had a smoke, entered this and at 18.38 I’m already ready to got to sleep!I want to be up not later than 4.00 tomorrow… I’d like NOT to be around here at all during the day! – 18.39 and they’ve returned. Oh well… – But I got to go HOME today!!! – As I sat out back with Dixie this evening, I thought: Montréal was the last place I recall Mum saying that she’d been happy, had a great time, danced and sang at the Boite a Chanson. Montréal. It would be nice to be there tomorrow. (Oh… they’ve come in… slamming doors and yelling at the dogs… tsk tsk pity pity bull-shit so what?) But I’ll be happy enough to perhaps go back to Métro for some laundry soap (on sale) and more smokes and maybe another poutine to eat some-where round about Bedford… with my Mutti. – For now? A quick drop by Skype to leave word for VIV… and glance-check of fessebook, some-how maybe another smoke and to bed!!!! – (I’ve had a swig of vodka too… FUCK YOU!) – 20.02 There seems to be something “wrong” with the new car! OH! TSK! Boob’s in a foul mood. Much door-slamming about the place. Tsk. – A bit of a time on fessebook. A smoke. And popped a message to VIV rather quickly. I’m ready to hit the pillow now. Tomorrow? Mostly sunny, they say in the USA… 20% chance of approx.10mm rain say the CAD. National radar shows bits of rain over-night. I can only hope to get me out of here for the day… Don’t know where to go… maybe, if my old body holds, and I can repair the bike… UP NORTH and over to Richford for lunch. That would be nice… to be in Richford, by the river, quietly, with my memories… I can hope tonight. But for right now, it was a delightful day and I want to wrap it all up now before it’s spoiled. – Hey! They got the new car… Life is shit. Nothing’s perfect… Nothing’s fair.

Tue.17.Jun: 4.27
Guten Morgen Liebe Mamale.
HERZLICHE GEBURTSTAG!
GROSSER GOTT IM HIMMEL! 81! Imagine that! Where have the years gone to? Eh? I still remember when you wrote in my “Tag Buch” how you were to turn 50… “a half century old already. Where have the years gone?” That was back in 1983! 31 years ago. I can still see your hand-writing, so small on the page but in red ink. 31 years ago. Lieber Gott! That’s an entire generation ago. Time… it just slips away while we’re being so busy just being so busy. But some-how we just keep remembering. Isn’t that amazing though? We keep remembering. Well, I suppose we’re still doing OK so long as we remember. It’s when we start to forget that we should start to be concerned about things. Eh? Still, it just seems all but impossible, some-how… it all being that long ago. I mean, when did *I* get to the point where I can talk about “Oh… that was 30 years ago.”? How the HELL did THAT ever happen? That was the kind of thing YOU used to tell ME, and I’d sit there, amazed: “WOW! You know things that happened 30 years ago?!? That’s a LONG time ago! In school, we read about things that happened back then and you actually were THERE!” I suppose we all get our turn at that recounting and remembering. Well, some of us do anyway.

Yeah, I’m still here, plodding along through the shit. No, it’s not “all” shit, I suppose. There are moments. It’s like you always say: It’s only as good or bad as we make it. It could be better… but yes, it could be worse too. It’s a bit on the tough side, but then, I don’t have to tell YOU that. The shit you went through makes my shit look like a day of frolicking in the meadows. But comparisons don’t do us any good now; do they? Still, you put up with a LOT and all through it, you always managed to laugh with your kids, found the time to make jokes about some of the strangest things, and made sure that people got the chance to smile, even when their lives were seeming a bit on the sharp side of things. You said that that’s the way it should be. Everybody was fighting battles of their own, battles we didn’t know and didn’t know about and that if we could, it was our place to see to it that we could give them even a couple of moments away from all of it. Me? I’m still trying my best to do that. Doesn’t always work. But then again, nothing “always” works. You said that. And I suppose, like you said, what matters most is that, at the end of the day, when we put our heads on the pillow to sleep, as long as we can say that we did the very best we could with what we had, that’s what mattered for that day, and tomorrow we could have at it all again.

Hey! You know? There are a lot of people who know about you. I’m still doing what I can, trying to keep up with what YOU always did and what you always taught. Yeah, I’m still telling them “If what I did made you happy, don’t thank me… thank my Mum!” Why? Because… well… if you hadn’t been there to teach me, who knows what I’d’ve learnt? I mean… shit! I grew up watching you being beaten half out of your mind, dragged across floors, accused of all kinds of miserable shit and doings. I had to hear the rantings and ravings over things that other people were doing that none of US, in the house-hold had any control over. And when the furniture went flying? There you were, ready for a little huddle, like little covered waggons in the wild-wild West, circled round and all protected-like. And then, a ride to the ice-cream stand… Life’s story should never end on a sad note. We’d made it through the fits and shit, now let’s go celebrate our private victory. A soft ice-cream cone, dipped in chocolate. Trying to eat it, as the chocolate cover cracked, and the ice-cream started to melt down the cone… with-out losing any of it and with-out making a total mess!!! It took our minds off what had brought us there in the first place.

No… I don’t get to do that any more. But there are other ways to celebrate dodging the shit-slngers. And it’s like you used to tell: Just walk out-side the door and take a really close look at what’s right there in front of you! It’s never exactly the same as any time you’d seen it before. And if you think it is? Look closer because you’re missing something. Something changed… It’s ALL changing… ALL the time! Look carefully. I keep looking, and you’re always right. (Well, of course you are… You’re da MOM!)

You know though? I have to tell you, I still don’t like the idea that you’ve been gone. Yes, I DO think about what you said about growing old and becoming a “burden to your children”. But there was no guarantee that that’s how it would have been. Don’t scold, but I have to make a comparison here. For those few years when I was doing Home Care, there were folks up in their 90’s who were (and still ARE for that matter), doing REALLY, REALLY AMAZINGLY WELL! OK. So they’re not hanging at the clubs or singing along at les Boites a Chansons. And thankfully, the ones I met weren’t out there driving along with the left directional blinking, knuckle-white grasp on the steering wheel, peering over the dash through a squint. (I’ll NEVER understand how you managed to adapt to living in Florida! But I will always understand how the cold up here in the North would have made it all the more difficult for you.) But THEY’RE pretty damned impressive! And you know? I have no doubt that you would have put them to shame! Still, I suppose, on the converse, you’d be more likely to be running yourself ragged every moment, doing what you did best, what made you happiest: trying to make everybody else’s life better and easier… in spite of how much it drained you. You silly… no, make that “insane!” “Altruist”, you. (You really should have taken Ayn Rand a bit more seriously you know.) Still, I can’t help but wonder and I still can’t help but believe: At 81, it would’ve been quite the piss to be able to slip across the border and go walking the streets of le Vieux, crash les Francofollies, and generally do something “age inappropriate”.

Oh well… Sooooooo ja.

Anyway Mamale, I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that you’re still very much remembered, still terribly missed. There’s SO much more that I could jot, but the point of the matter is:
Today is the anniversary date of your birth. There’s no federal holiday, no special flag-waving or parade. The rest of the world couldn’t give a shit one way nor the other. But you know what Mamale? I don’t give a shit about the rest of the world, to be quite honest with you. You were my Life, you brought me into this shit-hole and did THE VERY BEST you knew how to make it THE VERY BEST it possibly could have been. I knew that then… I still know that now (in spite of the vitriol your other 3 children enjoy spewing about you… there are THOSE moments when I had to hear THAT shit, that I’m SO happy you’re not around to have to hear it your-self, the ungrateful, miserable little shits… just like their father, indeed). You and I have been (“have been”… not “were”) THE EVER SO VERY BEST OF FRIENDS! and here I am, still carrying on the little “traditions” that you taught me, doing the best I can with what I have, and mostly so that people who never even got to meet you will know that, once upon a time, a GREAT WOMAN walked this Earth… a GREAT WOMAN who always cared about and cared for those around her, who did all she could, in spite of her own pains and tribulations, to put a smile on somebody else’s face, to make their burden a little lighter because…

“If everybody in the World would do that, can you just imagine how wonderful it all would be?”

81 years ago today, a GREAT WOMAN came into this world… the World never wrote books about her, made films, wrote news coverage… but the Lives of those she sojourned in had music, laughter, smiles and joy… even if it was for moments… she made certain there were at least, moments.

Happy Birthday Mama!

FUCK MAN! I MISS YOU!

***** 6.07 Well, this morning isn’t turning out the way I’d thought it would. Been awake for 2 hours already and still in jammies, sitting on the bed as the sun comes gushing in through the window. Just up from the 2nd smoke. Dixie came with me this time. She was eating grass and leaves. Something’s not “right” with her this morning. I wish I knew what it was and I wish I could make it better. – Coming back to the room, the hall-way out-side the door is absolutely PUTRID! The STENCH is choking! Fucking flatulent, lazy, fat fux, laying in bed, passing gas. They fill their guts with all sorts of shit food, sitting about, wasting away, doing nothing, accomplishing nothing, making themselves nothing more than wasted space and time. Sucking in the oxygen of this place and just doing their best to pull everyone around them into their dark, dismal miasma. Miasma… that’s rather exactly what they create, in more ways than just one. A miasma. Dark, dank, festering, putrid. Disgusting. Oh well… “Today… is what-ever I want it to be…” This is what THEY choose to make their time. There’s no reason or excuse why I should become part of it. And as for the “Karma” I always hope for? I suppose, from time to time, that this is how that “Karma” is handling it: they stick themselves inside themselves, making their own Hell. Well, good for them. Me? I’m only hovering about, out-side of “their” Hell. I refuse to be dragged into it. Not happening. I have my own little dark corners… But they’re only little corners. As for the rest of MY time? I choose to make the very best of it that I possibly can. And so, I typed my thoughts this morning, and in conflict with much of my own, personal opinions on the matter, I posted those thoughts to fessebook. Mostly because I’m sick to death of the shit the other 3 spew about the most wonderful person they ever had and ever will have in their other-wise useless and miserable existences. MY Mother was a Great Human-being! And they will NOT disparage her… in ANY manner at all! I WILL see to that. I WILL see to it that the World knows the “Truth”… in spite of all their efforts. – And now, that done and said, there are a few more things I’d like to “tidy up” (not including this room which screams for attention but about which I give not the slightest shit… it’s not “mine”), and I believe I could use another 20 minutes’ snooze before getting out of this confine of drear. The bike needs some work done on it. If the mood strikes, which I’m hoping it won’t, there are mowers to be attended. If I had the what-ever, the barn needs a bit of cleaning-up after the disastre of the metal removal. But that too “isn’t mine”. The lawn? It could stand a once-over… but, as the “meme” reads “Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a fuck”. I no longer give a fuck. – Good morning… Bonjour. Fuck off. –

8.54
He stood
barefoot, in silence
on the rock-ledge precipice
as the sun shone brilliant in the open sky
there, in front and above and all round.
Hot, blazing sun
in a sky of crystal blue.
The breezes flowed over and across his face and arms
like satin sheets drawn lovingly soft
cooling and soothing against the world
wrapping and un-wrapping
folding and un-folding
side-to-side
and round-about.
The coolness of the stone
beneath his bare, and exposed feet
rose up and through him…
it too, felt good, felt calming.
The world, all of it
quiet, brilliant, blue and green
lay out before him for mile after undisturbed mile.
Hills rose,
valleys descended
in shades of green and yellow-green,
and the river in the distance seemed a trickling brook
a mere thread of blue
there
away, away, so far away.
He breathed
deep and silent
calm
serene
and closed his eyes
sensing nothing other than the softness of the air.
Arms spread open and to his side
like the wings of an eagle about to soar on thermals
with almost imperceptible gentleness
in the silence broken only by the whisper of air through the leaves
he leaned ever so slightly
forward
and there was
no longer
the cool rock against his bare soles.
The air rushed past
filling his senses…
a long-sustained consoling voice
spoke one soft word….
“Hushshshshshshshshshsh…….”.
Currents
now cool
now warm
then cool again
as he passed through each
in silence
in silence
in the sleep-like dark
behind closed eyes.
He passed along
through the air
beneath the sun
and crystal sky
in silence
as the voice of loving kindness sustained….
“Hushshshshshshshshshsh…..”
All cares
all worries
all trials and tribulations
all woes
all pains
lifted from his skin
as the air passed over
and around him
like a cleansing shower of water
washes Earth’s dust from the flesh
after a day’s hard labours.
Cleansed
cleansed
clean
refreshed
renewed
bringing none of the past
none of the past.
Sweet thoughts swirled
through a liberated mind
of joyful times
and those Dearly Loved
gone before and soon again seen.
Music and tunes and laughter
and joy and exhilaration
one after another and then another
and it was a delight
and it was
Contentment
and the air caressed
and the voice sustained….
“Hushshshshshshshshshsh…..”
It was Peace.
It was Contentment.
And it was
Silent.

16.54 The Saab… requires… HIGH TEST GASOLINE!!! AND… I over-heard some chat in the kitchen as I was going to wash my hands… Jester “I don’t want another credit card….” and her Majesty “Well when we get the new credit card…” I just finished re-mending my under-wear. And yes… this evening, I’m rip-roaring pissed at the entire Universe. Yesterday, a notice: 446$ credit on the taxes… GONE! No car. Hours in the rain. A car needing high test gas, “another credit card” for somebody who has to be thanked for picking up it’s own dog’s shit! Yup… I’m at the end of the tether right about now. – 20.57 Just off with VIV! YAY! Vidcall! – I’ve showered, am in shorts. This has been on HELL of a day! Temps up to 30 at the very least! HUMID! I got nothing accomplished, save a trip to the PO for nothing, chatting with the Roads girl as she counted cars. Worked a bit on the bike. Can’t tighten the rear wheel though. But it’s secure enough. Finished as Boob came in from work. Up to the room, cold chicken noodle soup with 2 frank rolls. But I had 2 “Biigy Iggy” (1000 calories right there) as I sat in the barn. Fukkemall. And a bottle of tonic as I chatted with VIV!. Au Caramels and PopTarts. I’m quite set. – Still can’t get over the bullshit about the car’s gas requirements AND the fact that Jester is talking “another” credit card! I’m fuckking pissed beyond descriptives. – And… I put messages out about Mum’s birthday today, on fessebook… not one comment. People are shit… in general… people are shit. I hold Dear, only ONE… of course. Through good and bad, happy, misunderstandings and all the rest, she’s still in my …. “life”. The rest? Not worth the words, not worth the thoughts, and not worth the server space to store. FTW as the expression goes. – And so, on that note, I’ve posted the prose to the Tumblr but will repeat it here. And I’ll post today’s to today’s. – Oh… I went down for a smoke, L. was getting ready to feed the poochies but they came with me so… I was asked to feed them. Ca ce peut tu? Still fine to ask. Honestly? I truly believe there’s something quite amiss amongst the lot. But I’m being left to my own so I won’t bitch. – On THAT note… this day is a wrap. Storms tonight… I can only hope. – Mama? It’s been the 17th… Lonely with-out you.

Wed.18.Jun: 4.40 NYC Time. I’ve not been “me” for well more than a year now. I’ve not written. I’ve not painted. I’ve not even drawn. I’ve been charming, appropriate, quiet, with-drawn. I’ve been angry. I’ve been bitter. I’ve not been at peace with me. I’ve not been at peace with the World. I’ve not been bathed, nor properly attired. I’ve not maintained my hair, nor beard. I’ve not been “me”… for well more than a year now. – I’ve no real clue as to why others simply cannot and will not let things of the past be left there. I’ve no clue as to why others refuse to simply let my silence be as it is, nor why others insist upon continuing their own battles against me rage on when clearly, I’ve all too simply moved on. – And I’m back in a spiral… down-ward. – Time to check the weather. Time to see if there’s a chance of travel. Time to look for yet another “escape”. – I’ve not listened to any music at all in over a week. Music. Art. Writing. I don’t know who this person is who is waking at 4.00. I don’t know who this person is. This person is in pain… in silence. This person is dangling, on the terribly frayed ends of a rope, a frail and fragile rope. This person, who is not “me” dangles only because of being caught in the fray and frazzle. This person is not hanging onto the ends of the rope. This person, who is not “me” has neither the desire nor the energy to hold onto anything. This person, who is not “me” is entangled, and that is the only reason this person, who is not “me” has not, as yet, simply … – I’ve not been “me” for well more than a year now and I have no idea as to who this person is. He’s not a person I particularly like, nor care for or about. I’ve not been “me”. Perhaps “me” has died and this person has taken my place. How terrible that would be if this were true because… I’ve not been “me” for well more than a year now… – 7.36 Dozed for about an hour. I’m supposing the recovery time needed for 6 consecutive days of physical abuse of a 59 year old body is much longer than that required for a 19 year old body. Hmmm…. Suppose? – But I just woke from a DREAM:
I was residing beside a creek or river located beside a large industrial site of some kind. There was a parking lot, quite high above the creek. The height made me quite uncomfortable, but I had no choice in the location. It was where I “resided”… rather Homeless. It was a nice day, weather-wise, and I had an appointment with somebody, in a class-room situation. I was to “teach” something. But I had to stop by the creek to bring my sleeping-bag there. As I started to bring it, I was going to “toss” it down, but it wouldn’t stay rolled and I was afraid that an air current would catch it on the way down so I simply decided to take it with me and return later, with it properly rolled. – To get to the “class-room”, I had to descend into the lower level parking lot… down a gravel ravine of sorts, washed-out by rains and the likes. It was rather treacherous and again, the height caused me to be a bit on the uneasy side. But I managed, with a bit of care. – In the class-room, a grey sort of room, a young man of about 20 years sat at one of the folding “buffet”-style tables. I sat across from him. There was a small radio playing.. “I’m On Top Of The World”. I began singing along with the song … “If you love somebody, better tell them while they’re here ’cause, they just might run away from you. Hey! I’m on top of the world.” The young man was surprised that I knew the lyrics. I invited him to sing along. He didn’t know the lyrics, but he liked the song and for some reason, this was impressive and an indication that he was “improving” in some manner that I don’t know in reality but did in the dream. He began to fumble through the lyrics of the refrain and we both smiled. – I woke.
– Well, the garbage is out this week. I have no idea what I tossed today, but I don’t really care. There’s much I need to get rid of. Why? Just so that there’s that much less for me to be concerned about. The ivy that I loved so very much, from Richford, is all but dead. It breaks my heart. The Christmas Cactus and orange tree survive. Things of meaning are dying… again… dying… again… dying…. … again. – It’s still over-cast, cool, wet. Forecast is for the same weather most of the day. Rain… I’m sick to death of it now! I used to like this sort of weather. I’m sick to death of it… now. Rain. – 14.39 AND… yet another day wasted… almost. RE-packed even more. Bundled the boxes in the closet. sorted the boxes under the desk. Pressed and sealed the afghan back in the HUGE ZipLock bag… and had an anxeity attack so-doing because of the memories of so-doing at Storage Post… and all that’s gone and lost. Thought of CBvna on fessebook, selling his used books… I can’t do that any more. And pondered the evils of “Christians” and many Jews, Buddhists, and the likes. Dozed for a few moments and realised that, in a “doze”, I can have my life so together, but once I wake… it all turns to shit. This room needs the Hoover. I don’t know where it is and won’t go looking for is. Let the filth settle. I don’t care. Twine and such all about. I don’t care. Amazing… I don’t care. – Coffee time. Then we’ll see what’s next. It’s hot, humid and I’m still not recovered from the right-side pain. But… I don’t care. – 21.24 In bed since 20.15. Wasted day to me. But… done… Just waiting until Friday and… St.Albatross and perhaps Bedford… if not Bedford on Friday… Saturday or Sunday for certain. – No shower tonight. Don’t care to. – Done.

Thu.19.Jun: 4.44
We stood there, in the earliest morning’s light, watching the bits of cloud pass in front of the half moon above. He stared up and off into the sky, blank, but almost focused on something imperceptible, something I certainly could not see, but something, something that he alone could. The fingers of his right hand twisted the metal band on the ring-finger of his left hand almost mechanically and with-out any particular thought at all. A soft, grey-white halo shone round one tuft of particularly heavy cloud that had all but concealed the half-orb moon above, and an unusually warm breeze passed softly enough so as not to disturb the silence of the moment.
“They’re all gone now… all… gone.” he said, with all the calmness of an day that had not as yet begun and a night that was sadly ending in Summer stillness.
“The littlest things a person could hold on to… little things that mean nothing to anybody else but me. Thing that hold memories of truly good times, but only for me. Nothing that would have any meaning to anybody else. Nothing that anybody else would ever understand, especially not strangers, people who’ve never met me, never talked with me, never known me. Just little things, really. They’re all gone, taken away by strangers. I had bits of notes of moments that I never wanted to forget because they were the rare moments through my life-time when I was actually happy. Very rare moments when I smiled, laughed, sang.”
He gave a bit of an inaudible chuckle, stared deeper out and away, took a breath.
“When I sang… I wrote lyrics and music once. I wrote lyrics and played a guitar. I used to sing the songs to my Grandmother when we’d sit on the sofa or even on the patio. She told me: ‘Your music is so sad. But it puts me to sleep. That’s nice. I like that part, that it puts me to sleep. It’s relaxing to listen to you sing. But your music, it’s sad some-how.’ And she’d drift back off to sleep. She was so very ill at the time and we didn’t know. She never told anybody and never let anybody see when she didn’t feel well. We didn’t know she was in so much pain. We didn’t know that she was literally being eaten alive, and she never let it be known. She just appreciated when I’d sing, songs that I’d written, because it was relaxing and it helped her to sleep.” There was a smile, but only in his eyes, just in his eyes. The rest of his face never moved, his expression other-wise never changed. It was like that when he remembered. As always, as they claim, people with “post traumatic stress” don’t simply “remember” or “recall” events, they actually “re-live” the moment, it all plays in their minds with such intense vividness that, for those seconds or minutes, we might see them here and now, but they are physically, for all intent and purpose, very much there, where the event occurred, as if they have the gift we’d all like… time travel. Their bodies can experience, some-how, the exact sensations of the time their brains are re-enacting, and physiologically, they are no longer here-and-now, right down to the heart-beats, as we listen, they are gone away, gone back, gone to “there”. Back then, sitting on the sofa in the living-room or on the metal glider, I knew that he’d smiled at his Grandmother, smiled because she’d complimented him and, if something he’d done for her brought her happiness, it brought him joy. He’d smiled then… just as his eyes were smiling now, some 40 or more years later.
“Gone. Just gone. I wish I could say that ‘they’ took it. But ‘they’ didn’t, really. It was ‘Life’. ‘Life’ took it all from me, as if I wasn’t born to enjoy anything for any long time. It’s always been that way with everything, all through my… what’s called a ‘life’ time, but me? I just call it my ‘existence’. I’ve had brief moments of ‘life’, but I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever had a ‘life’ time. Nope,” his voice went almost flippant, with a tone of bitter sarcasm, “Nope, I can’t say with any degree of sincere honesty that I’ve ever had a ‘life-time’. A moment of living? Yeah, I could probably say that honestly. But not a ‘time’. ‘Time’ would be too long. There were ‘moments’, brief moments, and in the general scheme of the ‘all’, the lengths of those ‘moments’ were about as brief as the blink of an eye. But everything associated with any of that is gone now, as if I’m not allowed to remember any moment of good. Just plod along, heavily, step by step, remembering nothing but the dreariest times, the violence, the oppressive sadness, the beatings I took repeatedly, the sadness of watching others around me looking grim and worn. All the little things that I could hold in my hands, or just sit and look at and remember… remember anything good… they’re all gone. Sometimes I wonder why. I’d really and truly like to know why, you know? Why does this existence do all it can to stop me from being happy for too long? Why are people so bitterly cruel and evil toward other people? And then I wonder ‘HOW can people be that evil and simply be that vicious toward another person; all but slaughter, mame, maul, massacre and devastate another PERSON and then, as if it were nothing more than clipping a rose from a bush, trot blithely away, all happy and proud? And when I unconsciously slip into that ‘Nether Realm”, as I call it, where I’m spiralling in a place where there truly is no beginning and no end, I actually ask myself what it is that I’ve ever done that would warrant that kind of pure evil to be meted out at ME? It truly is hateful… just pure, distilled HATE, frightening hate…”
The word “hate” came out of his mouth almost visibly, almost palpable. In some manner, in some fashion, some how I could FEEL the word and SEE it as it came thrusting out of his gut. No, deeper still, from the marrow of the marrow of the core energy that is a “Soul”. I know he’s always chosen words purposely and purposefully, never really talking for the sake of talking, and never just tossing words about the air with-out any real thought behind just which one was to precede the next and which was to follow that one. And “hate” was one he rarely chose. He had more degrees of “dislike” than most people I know, but “hate”? I couldn’t even recall the first nor the last time I’d heard that word uttered in his voice. So when it came, almost spewing from his mouth, I knew that it was as if he was purging the essence of his very being, or at the very least, trying to expel something from him. I couldn’t help but compare: this “hate” is very much similar to a cancer growth; when afflicted, the sufferer often wishes s/he could cough it up, spit it out, expel it some-how, quickly, even have it all cut and scraped away. Right now, he was trying to vomit this “hate” up and out of his being, literally vomit the thing out and it was, almost actually, being vomited, spewed, spat into the reality of this morning. It was, quite rather, visible and it was, quite rather, palpable. It was, truly, quite frightening.
“I have to stop though. I have to stop thinking about it. I have to stop thinking, remembering, recalling and recounting. I have to stop. My brain, my mind, none of me can take it any more. There’s no answer. There’s no understanding any of it. It just is this way. It’s been this way since my conception, really, truly and honestly, it’s been this way since my conception. And it’s never going to change, it’s just going to keep being this way. And there is no reason, no logic, no justification. So, I just stop thinking about it. The hate is a shroud that I’ll never get rid of. Creation has seen to that. The very best that I can do is to put this, the hate, the wondering, all the thoughts about any and all of it, put it all aside in one of my neat little boxes, and leave it all there until the box slips open the next time. But in the meanwhile, the very best I can do is ignore it all. Just keep dragging through and make of it what my wits can contrive until the time comes when I’ve actually had enough and even my morbid curiosity fails. I say my curiosity because that’s pretty much what keeps me going, the curiosity of seeing just how much more of this shit I’ll be able to with-stand. How much more I’ll be able to tolerate losing, how much more bitter-evil hate I’ll be able to ward off. It’s all become a little game… against Creation… against ALL of Creation, really. Just a little game. Do I enjoy it? No. Not at all. In fact…” and his voice almost churned like festering matter decaying in some septic pool “in THE fact, I actually HATE it. But it’s that hate that keeps me going. I mean, shit! I don’t mind telling you that I’ve been in such agonizing pain these past few days. I know what some of it’s caused by, but not exactly. But it’s only more of the shit that Creation tosses at me. So it’s come to a battle of wits and stamina… Me versus Creation. And you know what? My Grandfather walked himself to the gurney where he laid himself down, had a massive heart-attack and died. My Grandmother climbed the stairs on all fours because “the bedroom is up-stairs and the living space is down-stairs and that’s how it’s supposed to be” even when cancer had turned her insides to minced burger meat. My Mother? Got in the car in Florida and rode with her husband for DAYS to come back up North where they both set-up a bit of a camper to live in for that Summer, and all the while, she too was being minced alive by cancer. THEY battled Creation to the last beat of their hearts… and I come from that stock… and I WILL BE DAMNED THRICE if I’LL stop that tradition! There were 7 others born of this line… one died at the age of 1 and a half years… there are 6 others of this line and to the very best of my knowledge, only one has the right to claim any reprieve. I can tell you quite frankly, three of the rest of them are worthless, nasty, angry, pitiful, HATE-ful bits of something quite less than shit. Shit has a purpose, and can actually be RE-purposed. Those three? Nothing. Worthless to the extreme. But that’s them,and I have nothing in common with any of them… I have those who were here before me, and just as they battled, so too do I. Dramatic? Insane? Probably. But there are two things to be remembered when it comes to remembering me: One… and two? I no longer give a shit.

8.27 The sheets and clothes are on the line, the table cloth is in the rinse. L. is on the sofa… asleep. Jester is across the hall, in bed, asleep. But it’s a wonderful day. A day almost perfect for a get-away. But tomorrow… tomorrow. May it be the same as today. And me? I haven’t dozed since 4.00. Quite a bit of ranting on the SocMed. But fuck it all anyway. I look like shit. I feel like shit. I’m quite hungry but there’s nothing to eat. I’m just rather thankful that those franks, left un-refrigerated for over a week, didn’t make me too ill this morning. There was a moment of urgent loo-time. But other than that… I keep thinking: The Homeless develop a bodily system that can tolerate so much! I mean, after all… how many people can pull pizza from a trash bin, eat it and not get terminally ill? And me? I’ve eaten from trash bins and look at what I’m still doing! Pretty fucking impressive, I must say. – Now, back to the “tidy” work in the room. And then? J’m’en câlisse. – 12.12 LAUNDRY IS DONE (save one fucking t-shirt… of course… god forbid it should ALL get done! fuck me very much indeed). The room is HOOOOOOVERED! On my hands and knees with the upholstery attachment, into the corners, the windows… The bed is made, the place is tidy. AT LAST! Hey! It’s been almost a year! L. is sleeping (oh my! ca ce peut tu!) and Jester has showered… what the fuck for, I’ve no idea. But… MY work is DONE DONE DONE and it’s a gorgeous day! too bad… I’ll bet ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in ALL of Creation that it WON’T be like this tomorrow. I’ll be SO ROYALLY FUCKED then. But… my work here, is done. AND… whilst I worked, I poetried:
11.35…
Ne’er
dare I say “Ne’er”
shall it e’er be said
that *I* left old tissues ‘neath anyone’s bed

Thank you very much. The place is clean, I am hungry. I’m having coffee. Started a lettre of sorts to Fran H. Started this short story above this morning. Much to finish… I need to clean me but will refrain until it’s bed time… in another 7 hours and change. Tomorrow… EARLY OUT! ON THE ROAD! THINGS TO DO! PLACES TO GO! EARLY TOMORROW… OUT!!! AND AWAY!!! – 21.25 Just getting into bed. The ladies went to the gyno today so I took advantage and took a shower! YAY me! OK… And… I just got done with a text Skype with VIV… SHE’S COMING DOWN ON SATURDAY TO FETCH ME… I’LL BE HOME THIS YEAR FOR LA FÊTE!!! I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT! OK, so it’ll probably be to help pack her for moving and such, and me, in pain still (and truly am for some reason, more-so tonight than before but…) HOWEVER… for VIV? I CAN MOVE MONT ROYAL! INDEED! I COULD BE ALL GIDDY RIGHT NOW… but the “event”, the bitch-slap today… well.. more on that later. Meanwhile… HOME HOME HOME!!! VIV! VIV! VIV!!!!! – The plan for tomorrow was to go to St.A… then head up to Bedford. Now? St.A. and what-ever… Maybe I’ll simply head right over to Richford, if this old body… and the bike… will handle it. No matter… I’ll be at the C.U. bright and early tomorrow. The pay wasn’t “bad” this week. Not really great… it’s not going to get me a car right away, but it’s a lot closer than it was. And I MUST remember to SAVE! And I shall. – Viv’s package arrived today as well. Aline was sweet about it but told me that from now on, if any more come, the postage will have to be paid on it. This one would have been 5.80. But you know? I’ll grab the cost… some-how. – I sent a little message (an Epsitle, actually) to Fran H. today, to explain why I’m coming across rather bitchy on fessebook. She replied! Nothing too personal, but enough to say that she admires me and what I’ve done… AND that she’s truly impressed with what I’ve done with the barn! She remembers. She asked for my address so she could send “fun things” but I told her that the space is small and I’m prepping to leave, but I’m grateful to her. She’s quite wonderful. So I put a lot of anything into her? No. I can’t any more. Most honestly, the ONLY person I have ANY trust in these days is VIV… We’ve been through great, good and tough times… Am I cynical and sceptical of even her? In a very small way. But then again, she’s probably the same about me. We’ve been fucking kicked so damned much… But it was a delight to get the e-mail from Fran and it helped with…. this… – Anyway, to the bitch-slap. I’ll include a screen-capt of the posting to fessebook today. But what a fucking insult! To post that shit… and when anything *I* did it was what “we” did… as if Boob DID anything! FUCK! Just all too simply a fuck. Well… I’m all but packed and ready to simply grab boxes and walk out the door. Maybe I’ll find something in Richford. I have to be careful now though because of the Franklin office and if I move too far, I’ll lose that spot. But, we shall see what we see. Maybe this is the kick in the nuts I need to get the fuck out of this asylum, this den of illness. We shall see. – Right now, 21.38, it’s time to wrap this damned day up and out. The room is quite clean, as are the linens. I’ve one less destination tomorrow, which is a delight. But if the weather and such permit, I’d like very much to be away from here as long as possible. We shall, indeed, see.

Fri.20.Jun: 5.45 Well, it’s not 4.45 and yes, I went back to sleep after turning the alarm off. But I didn’t get to sleep until almost 23.00 last night so this is still rather impressive, being awake at this hour. – Not feeling very well this morning for some reason. My right side is tender, I’ve a bit of a head-ache. Hopefully it will all pass. I have to pack for the next few days… HOME! And I have to get on the road to the CU. I’d like to make a day of it… away. But, I have to get to the CU if nothing else. We shall see how it all develops. – It’s only 12° out there right now. A bit on the “chilly” side. Imagine… not weeks ago, this was the temperature in this room and it was “cold”. Then came the “snap” of heat and now, this is “chilly”. Weather… go figure. – I need to make a potty run soon too. I wonder what that’s all about. Probably the lack of movement over the past week. Oh… there’s always something. But… HOME… for a few days. It will be good. I dread the attitudes when I return. I dread to think what’s to transpire in my absence. I told Boob that I’d be going up tomorrow. I had no choice. Couldn’t just disappear. But then again. – I keep thinking: Throw this in my face again and I’m off to CVOEO… and will apply for assistance… It won’t be “pretty” but it’s my right. My “legal” right now. I HATE being in this position. And I can’t help but wonder if it’s not all one-sided. I wonder if it’s not simply Boob with the attitude trouble. Shit! I didn’t get the new car. I didn’t get the car that requires the most expensive gas. AND… I’m not the one who brought the price of gas up. But I AM the one who did all that he could to get to work… in the pouring rain every morning. So? So…. Shit! I’ll be the one to go and get the “money you owe us”. Fine. And I’ll be the one to call the authorities should the need arise. AND… I’ll be the one to march into the court-room. There’s the “right” way and there’s the “legal and correct” way. – I’m tired of this shit. Truly tired. – Tomorrow is the “first day of Summer”… the longest day. After that, the days begin to shorten again and the sun will rise later each consecutive day. The mornings of sun-shine will be disappearing again. Wow… Time… time… – 9.15 Packed! Now to get me dressed and OUT THE DOOR! –

18.06
There is something in the evening light
when the days grow long and the sun grows warm
and the breezes blow cool against the face,
there is something in the sound of the rustle of leaves
and the gentle stillness that fills the World
with a hush of heart and a calm of soul
that sends my heart back
many, so many years.

And I am in the park again
alone and waiting
on the off-chance you’ll walk by
or maybe
if I’m fortunate this evening
stop to talk
or just sit a while
with me.

I’ve been about this Earth
to places so far, so very, very far from there,
and always
always
there is something in the evening light
when the days grow long and the sun grows warm
and the breezes blow cool against the face,
that brings me back
to the park again
where I walked alone waiting
and hoping
and watching.

And I sit beside you
late at night
half asleep
but happy, truly happy
to be by our side.
And again I half hear your voice as I drift:
“I think we should take the opportunity when we have it.
What do you think?”
you said.

Wanting nothing more than to agree with you
I sleepily replied
“I agree. Oh yes, I agree.”

You turned to the your side to face me,
leaned forward a bit toward,
raised your hands,
took hold of my face
drew closer still
brought your face to mine
and …
kissed me ever so carefully…
ever so care-full-ly.

I am weak, remembering now,
as weak now as at that moment.
I heard my heart weep out loud,
it had no where to hold all that elation.
It wept
as my soul leaped from my body
to dance on the air, in the dark, under the moon
with the stars.
And I cried…
and I cry.

There is something in the evening light
when the days grow long and the sun grows warm
and the breezes blow cool against the face,
there is something in the sound of the rustle of leaves
and the gentle stillness that fills the World
with a hush of heart and a calm of soul
that brings my heart back
and I want to cry like that
again.

Forty-three years have passed.
I am no longer spritely, young and so.
Forty-three years of time and age
and ageing
and older
and older still.

But forty-three years and still
there is something in the evening light
when the days grow long and the sun grows warm
and the breezes blow cool against the face,
there is something in the sound of the rustle of leave
and the gentle stillness that fill the World
with a hush of heart and a calm of soul
that reminds me that I have truly Loved
and once upon a time
forty-three years ago
I was Loved.

And forty-three years today…
Dear Denis
it’s all very much
the same
as
forty-three years ago.

21.07 (from “notes”) Well, I DID get to the CU (credit union) this morning. Took me the MUCH better part of 2 hours though, because the real wheel is a MESS! And, the chain began slipping along the way. It was going to happen sooner or later, but it happened today. Oh well. – Got my cash and headed over to Walmarde where I actually broke down and got the new brakes for the rear of the bike AND a lock! Imagine me! When I got out of Walmarde, the sky had clouded something terrible and with my fate and fortune, I figured there’d be RAIN… (there wasn’t though… imagine THAT!) so I simply headed over to “Pie In The Sky” for… 3 slices of PIZZA! I was SO hungry! and more cold food was nauseating. One of the 3 slices was actually quite good but, it was FOOD and it was HOT and I’m happy about that and after, a quick stop to Hannaford’s for coffee and a couple of things and that was that! I was back on the road to Fuklin, tired and, like the trip in, the trip out was with-out music. Oh… I just wasn’t in the mood. And I was listening to the rear wheel of the bike, along with having to kick the chain back into gear. – Made a stop at the river today, for a smoke, a pee and my bottled coffee. I just NEEDED to take the break today. Not in the mood to get back to the house, not in the mood to be in Fuklin… just not in the mood. It was rather nice there, by the river and the rest was welcome and needed. I didn’t bother to rush, but it wasn’t for very long. – I was up on the Hanna Road, dragging up the hill by Childs Rd. not paying attention to anything in particular when B. came up from behind. HE STOPPED! asked if I wanted a ride then pulled off the road, got out of the car and opened the back. He took the bike, put it into the car. I didn’t ask, didn’t really “accept” the offer, but I was SO GRATEFUL! Truly, today, I was at the end of my strength and probably would have taken another 2 hours, at least, to get to the house. The chat on the trip to the house was light and such, and I appreciated that as well. But when we got back and he mentioned having picked me up on the road (“Because I saw him swerving and trying to make it up the hill…” as he told L., the reaction wasn’t exactly positive. Surely, it was resented. But… I was back. Too late to “not” do anything, nor to “un-do” the deed. Oh well… – I had a smoke,went up to the room, grabbed a bit of a shower and “retired”, as it were. I re-packed luggage, re-packed blankets and put Gain dryer sheets in. Things are packed… ready to … “go”. Now, I just wonder when … “when”. But the “demand” is near, of this I’m certain. It’s just a gut feeling, and I know better than to ignore those. – The room, meanwhile, smells of all the dryer sheets. I’m waiting for the complaints to come about that too. But, right now, I’m showered and in bed and the day is done… so to speak. – The room stinks this evening. Apparently, there’s a smoke-fest taking place down-stairs. Imagine… having nothing to do but get stoned. How lovely and charming. Sit all day, sleep all day, watch TV all day, bitch and whine all day, get stoned in the evening. How stressful. – ANYWAY… the rear wheel on the bike needs a flange of some kind I believe, the derailleur need re-adjusting and I’m hoping that that’s all it will take to put it quietly and safely on the road. – No connection with VIV for a while. Bell has cut her service for some reason. I don’t know the particulars, just that she’s got not phone or internet. So I won’t know about tomorrow until she arrives.. or not. – Tonight, I’m truly in much pain… more pain than fatigue. Just a lot of pain… arms, legs, right side… pain. But nobody wants to know. And, if I were to get to a doctor? Well, the only way that would happen is if I were to go to the ER… which I will NOT do! So, nobody knows, nobody wants to know and nobody will know. Please let it stop… and let it ALL stop! – Thought tonight? I wonder how much damage will be done to the room in my absence if I go HOME for the week-end. If for no other reason… jealousy… They’ve NO clue, and I’m sure they wouldn’t believe it anyway, that I’m not going for la-dee-dahs… I expect this to be a “work” visit… Viv’s got much to pack, I’m sure, and little time to pack it. So… I’ll be helping her, and those in VT will be stewing and plotting and scheming and such. Yup… – OK. Day is done.

Sat.21.Jun: 5.56 It wasn’t weed last night, it was the combination of somebody’s fire and the Gain dryer sheets. Hah! Oh well. I shouldn’t be in a place there I’d have to be so suspicious. – Woke at about 4.10 this morning and have been awake from since. Sunny morning, but ever so chilly.. or is it my diet of 3 aspirin per night to get to sleep? I can’t be certain. Anyway… HOME HOME HOME!!!! Let nothing happen to change that please. And this morning, trying to get the fuck out of here with-out the careful watch of the old woman across the hall. – Oh well… time for another coffee and smoke. I’ll be in the office in about 45 minutes… WHAT A COMMUTE! (But getting out of here with the luggage? There’s the trick. Eh?) – (Wed.25.Jun:15.45) Got up at about 4.30 this morning and finished a little bit of last-minute packing. Green luggage, back-pack and a Viv’s tote. Packed only 2 pairs of jeans… 2 changes of clothes. But there’s quite a bit of weight in this little bit. (That, and the fact that I don’t have the strength any more these days.) Anyway… the best part of this morning? I made it out of the house with-out anybody “taking notes” on my departure! Imagine that!!! WOOHOO! – It was a great morning, a bit hot but not too bad. And the volume of mail wasn’t bad either. I got to the office at about 7.15 and of course, went right to work. But of course, it all crashed at the end of the day when I had to get into the “new” reports and such and had to wait 11.24 before Aline got back to me after my calls. As I was closing everything, Viv knocked at the door! I was stressed because of the office computer, stressed because of mail, stressed in general, but just shut my brain down and went to the work… and we were out by about 11.50! OUT AND AWAY!!! – She was hungry, needed to eat, wanted to go to Enosburg and so we did… Family Dollar. Couldn’t decide where to eat, so I suggested Sheldon Creek and… WE WENT! AND, WE ATE AT THE PARK, ON A BENCH. She enjoyed her sandwich… and of course, so did I… and it was on FS which made it even better!!! – Lunch done, off to St. Albans for a quick stop at Family Dollar where *I* bought a few things and… OFF TO DUTY FREE!!!! AND… HOME!!!!! – Shopping at Duty Free? Well… a HUGE bottle of Grey Goose was only 30$ and I got a carton of smokes for Viv. 58$ total… 60$ from my 5’s! But, hey!
*Note: *I* paid the purchase and *she* gave *her* driver’s license as ID… and yet, she insists that she can’t buy to take into Canada because she’s going in the wrong direction AND that she’s entitled to nothing if she doesn’t stay at least 48 hours. OK. Another “flaw” in the logic… and facts. I move on.*
The crossing at Philipsburgh went along with-out a single glitch and the ride up was a bit interesting in that, the farther North we went, the warmer it got! Truly. We stopped, briefly, at the dép in St-Sebastian, my first ever visit from that fateful evening in St. Albans, and I got 2 packs of smokes, Viv got a box of Mae West and a Coke for the trip. And it was warm! weather-wise. And back on the road again. – Odd, but the sky-line from the Pont Champlain still gets to me, but when with Viv, it changes. I don’t feel the impact as I do, as I have in the past. I thought today: it must be because this is different in that I’m not here to “visit” so much when going to her place. It’s more like actually going “HOME”… to a place where there won’t be all the partying and such, it’s more “Home-life” this way. But I don’t mind it at all. In fact, it’s more comfortable and I don’t feel like I’ve been away… I have roots in Montréal this way. It’s more a comfort. – WELL! When we finally arrived… the place was completely askew! A mess! SO VERY LITTLE PACKING has been done. I don’t understand. But I do know that the “excuse” is: as it is with others, the “depression” and the “anxiety” and the rest keeps the work from being done. It was a mess! Things all over the place. Boxes, many not even packed. It was, to me, disappointing, and I sensed, right away, that it was all being left for me and my presence and my “help”. But… instead of getting right into it all, it was time for… a drink. And me? I’d already put in the day at work and the drink seemed a rather great idea. Besides, it was the first of 5 days. I had hope that it would all be settled properly in due course. Ah… – For dinner tonight, we ordered-in: pizza and poutine… from the place Viv orders from usually and where they make a truly lousy poutine. But, I was hungry and the food was hot (unusual for me). It did the trick… killed the hunger… and that was important. – And yes, Bell DID cut her phone and internet so I was, as she was, at a bit of a loss. But me? I just rolled with it (as I usually do). Viv said she’d be on the phone with them tomorrow anyway. Apparently, their customer “service” is 7 days. Oh well. – But the place was SO HOT AND HUMID!!! She’s got fans about the place, but they just don’t cut it. Says she, she can’t take air conditioning because of her arthritis. Me? I wonder: there are controls on air conditioning units to adjust the temperature AND they remove humidity. But, who am I to argue? Yes, indeed, her feet and fingers show the arthritis. But still… is it too much to adjust? Or is it a matter of Hydro bills? (Especially considering the darkness of the place all the time and the very seldom use of any lights… or is that, too, the depression and anxiety? I don’t know… it’s not “my” house, and these days, it seems to be so even more. I don’t know, really, I can’t put my finger on it, but something always seems to be “wrong”… what I say, do, even when I say and do nothing. Oh well… it could be me and my own baggage. I don’t know and I don’t feel it worth the time or the effort to get into it.) – ANYWAY… HOME!!!! It was sticky and hot, I packed for cool… silly me… but it was… HOME!!!!!

Sun.22.Jun: (on Thu.26.Jun: 14.00 Library Fuklin) The morning? Well, we slept until about 7.00 this morning. For me, that was “sleeping in”. Still, a day commencing at 7.00 isn’t all that bad. And, considering that last night I had the hardest time getting comfortable, between the pain in my right side and the heat and my sweating and all. AND the fact that we didn’t get to bed until almost 1.00 this morning. Oh well… – Viv spent about 90 minutes on the wire with Bell. They told her that she’d have service by 17.00 this evening… and it took 10 people, with all the transferring and the call-backs and such. Yes, the majority of them told her “by 17.00 this evening”, but I’m truly willing to bet that the service either IS or WILL BE connected at the new place on Iberville. What neither Viv nor I understand is, and she even mentioned it: It takes the snap of a switch to cut service… but it seems to take SO MUCH MORE TIME to restore it. Something “corporate” is just so much bull-shit! Really! – Well, her calls were taken care of and we headed into the kitchen for what was to become.. most of the day! Glasses and stem-ware! It was amazing and disgusting, really. She’s got more drink-ware! And she won’t part with much of any of it. Washing and washing and more washing and all I could really do was dry. I took a turn or two at the washing as well, and Viv packed… 12 boxes! and there isn’t a dent in what’s left to be done. Anyway, this after-noon we took the 12 boxes over to her “friend” France (Fran) in Ville St-Laurent which was a refreshing change of scene for me. I got to go to some place I’d never been before. Fun! France is charming, very nice, nice house and all and I got to lug the boxes down the stairs and stack them in the basement. Not that I’d expected it to be any different. After all, I was there to “help” (read: work). I didn’t mind, really… I was tired and still wondering why there’s nobody else in all of Montréal to help Viv. But, it was work that needed to be done and there I was… to do it. We didn’t stay long, just moments longer than the boxes took. And on the way back to the flat, Viv took a bit of a “tour” route, round VSL and down to where she’s working on Isle de Soeurs. That was rather nice, indeed. more exploring and up-dates and such for me. – Back at the house though, with all the work that remains to be done, she just tossed her-self back into the easy chair and put the cartoons back on the TV… and she dozed. I notice she does a lot of “dozing” of late. Meds? Physical? Organic? Avoidance? Yeah, probably. But I wasn’t there to scold or advise. I was there to simply take what I was told to take, wash, dry… – This evening, for “dinner”: “Caesar Salad”… using the left-over lettuce in the fridge and home-made dressing. Not bad… but honestly, I was HUNGRY! There’s no place that I can think of by the house to go to get something, and, well, let’s face it, I don’t have all that much money to toss about these days. Still, it was OK. Besides, I wasn’t there for the fine dining and entertainment: I was there to work and “be at HOME”! – The night rolled along and nothing more got accomplished and I thought: she’s going to run into quite a bit of trouble… at the last minute. And she told me, the move is costing 175$/hour! The purpose of the packing is supposed to make it so that the movers can simply come in, wrap the larger furniture and go with it. Some-how, I do not see this happening… Some-how. – Again, tonight, getting to sleep a bit later than I’m now accustomed to AND in the heat and humidity! I’m doing the best I can with that, but it’s still uncomfortable… and all I have to sleep in up there now are my sweats. Oh well… We move along and I’m at “HOME”. – PS: 17.00 came and went and no service! In the States, there’s the PSC… In Canada, the CRTC… no matter how one looks at it… no help… no phone or inherent again tonight.

Mon.23.Jun: (continuing on Thu.at the library) The morning, this morning, began with coffee and calls… to Bell… again! Still no service! But TODAY… OFF TO GEORGE AND ANNA’S!!! (Viv’s last words out of the house: We’re not staying later than 5:00 … 17.00… Right!) We went to a market called Mourelatos in Ville St-Laurent and with a roasted chicken, roasted vegetables, 2 stuffed peppers and 2 links of “Greek” sausage… 44$! Viv covered it, but I mean… REALLY? I just couldn’t help but think that EVERY trip to George and Anna’s, as long as I can recall, has been costly… one way or another and this time was no difference. Meanwhile, me? I NEEDED SUGAR! So badly that I could actually FEEL it through my entire body, so I popped about 11$ in chocolate covered almonds, which were well worth it…. WELL worth it, and 3 Coffee Crisps… I all but finished the almonds en route. We had the Crisps at the house later this evening. – When we got to Villeray and the house… WOW! WAS THIS VISIT EVER “TELLING” WHEN IT COMES TO HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED!!! Anna looks aged and it SO shows that she doesn’t leave the house! George has lost SO much weight and has gone quite grey. I was to learn later that he’d under-gone something like “quintuple by-pass” surgery along with other complications.). And… DAVID IS NOW 30 YEARS OLD! The last time I saw him he was still a rather obnoxious little fellow… (and Simon was still alive). TIME! It truly can me amazing, how quickly it just rolls past us. Anna said that I haven’t changed (“T’as pas changé.”) Gee. I asked her “Did I really look that bad all that time ago already?” We tried to figure the time… it has to be round about 12 years!!! I still, even as I type, can’t imagine that that much time could pass. But, we sat at table, in the back, on the lane. George is “repairing” the 2nd floor apartment (the previous tenant painted graffiti on the walls! Montréal has gone to the shit) so the 3 of us sat and “ate”. I was glad I’d had all the chocolate… so I “ate” very little… just enough to say I “ate”. ANNNyyyway…. As we sat, David phoned, Anna told him I was at the house and David said “Of course he’s here for la fête!” They arranged that he would come over and Viv got on the phone to ring Gaetan… and THEY arranged to come over. There was a block party at the corner this evening, in spite of the threat of rain. I suppose they thought there’d be something worth seeing… it was all local. – I never got to the “party”, mostly because I have an un-easiness abut the Seps, especially since the last election, but too, I was visiting with people whom I consider “family” and that’s more important… no matter what. Dan went… came back with a t-shirt, quite nice, for Villeray, “American Outfitters” and… 25$! WOAH! Well, the evening went on. The “music” carried on the breeze. Dan bitched because he heard English lyrics. The guy’s a lunatic… a “Sep”! Who would have guessed it? Anna and I talked about “crafty” things and how David and hid girl-friend are all into the hand-mades and how it’s come back into style these days and how much can be made from such stuff. We also half-joked about me crossing the border regularly and why there’s so much suspicion. She made some good points, but I’m not certain it was all with humour. Seriously, I’m not sure much is said with any humour these days. But maybe it’s me… I doubt it, but I’ll try to keep the benefit of the doubt. — As it turned out, we didn’t leave until 22.30! Another day of packing… wasted. We got back to the house and crashed… late… hot… humid. In fact, tonight it was so bad, between the heat and the pain in my side that I sat up at one point to sit in front of the fan! And Viv, under the sheet. Amazing. Quite.
***** A NOTE ON THIS EVENING THOUGH: *Viv actually pissed me off this evneing: We were all talking, at George/Anna’s about Fuklin and, with tongue in cheek I made comments and Viv spews: Well, you simply have to move it’s not a good situation. I lost it, momentarily, and, in front of everybody, told her that all the money I have, save 12$, is with me and no car… and no car, no more work and no more money!!!!! It passed.
***** The “joke” about the 5’s: I began to tell how, years ago, I’d started with 5CAD, V. jumped in with a snarky remark and I rather jumped at her a touch (at Geo/Anna’s) and continued to explain… BUT… I could actually FEEL my own depression literally SUCKING ME DOWN!!! The realisation that I’M to keep MY mouth SHUT still and even here and now… it’s not even a matter of patience, let alone sympathy or mock-sypmathy.. I’m just to keep silent on all matters “me”. The depression was DEEP, and quite DARK. TRULY DEEP AND DARK!!! *****

Tue.24.Jun: (continuing on Thu. at 15.53) BONNE FUCKING FÊTE! – RAIN RAIN RAIN !!! and I mean RAIN RAIN RAIN!!!! We brought more boxes to France’s today because Viv promised to bring her to Dorval for her flight out. In the rain. It’s not that my side isn’t bad enough… and the fact that there’s SO MUCH MORE that needs to be packed. I simply thought that I could have brought the boxes and some-how gotten back to pack more. Time is running short and, well, there’s that 175$/hour fee hanging in the air. But, I resigned myself to the fact that I was doing the very best I possibly could and left it all at that. – The trip to the aeroport was interesting. I haven’t been there in YEARS! Dorval hasn’t changed much, other than that it’s now “Pierre Eliot Trudeau” aeroport these days. La-dee-fucking-dah. And Mirabel is now closed. Oh well. – After we got France to the plane, Viv was hungry so we stopped at a Harvey’s. I WAS hungry but had no cash at the moment so I ordered one of their “meals”. A burger… BURGER? Not really! Come to find out, they’re SOY! And rubber… RUBBER! Repulsive. But I ate it, the chips and a Mountain Dew. End of “dinner”. 5$! And it POURED! – Back at the house, the first thing Viv did when we arrived was make a drink for each of us. I didn’t want one, but… BONNE FUCKING FÊTE! It was all turning in that general direction. I sat there, quietly… Viv fell asleep in the chair! I dozed, on and off a bit. Tired. Just so tired. – When she woke, Viv made ANOTHER call to Bell. This time they told her exactly what I’d thought all along: the service was connected at Iberville! BUT… this time they promised service restored by midnight tomorrow! Right then! We shall see. – Instead of going back to the packing that needs to be done, Viv slept. I just can’t be bothered any longer. I just can’t. I don’t know what she wants to bring and not. I don’t want to pack because SHE needs to know what things are where. But… I resigned myself to letting it go. I’ve done all that I can and will, no doubt, do more as time passes. But I can’t let it all get to me. She’s using the depressions and such as her “out”. None of my business. – At one point, she asked if I’d eat salmon for dinner. Indeed! So she cooked the salmon and rice and cauliflower, 2 servings… plated both and put hers into the fridge for her lunch tomorrow! Well! Just fuck me! I ate. I was hungry! – End of day was again, a bit on the late side and again… HOT AND HUMID AND ALMOST INTOLERABLE! But…
***** Note: still keeping my mouth shut about pain in the side and the situation in Fuklin. *****

Wed.25.Jun. (cleaning the “notes” at the library, on Thu. 16.06): ANOTHER rainy morning at 7.59 Hot and Humid again. I woke when Viv left for work this morning. Got to the kitchen and.. There wasn’t any coffee made… I made my own. I was NOT going to go through a day with-out and I was NOT going to venture out to get any at Tim Horton’s… besides… had I left… no key to get back in! Trapped! Indeed. – I set up my lap-top with a play-list, music to work by, went to the kitchen and proceeded to simply un-load the cup-boards and WASH WASH WASH EVERYTHING!!! Oddly enough, as I washed, I thought: This is another of those “good intentions” that’s going to get me into deep shit… but I continued. The cup-boards got emptied and the table and stove-top got stacked. All that needs be done now is packing and moving… at least for the kitchen, pretty much. There are 2 other rooms that need attending but there’s nothing I can do about those…since I don’t know what’s coming and what’s going. I did what I could with what I had. – At 10.37 the text messaging began:
Good morning. Are you still at home? Are u going downtown? Wen u get a chance, give me a call? Cell… 614…” etc.
I replied with “Just finishing washing…” etc. at 11.06… No reply.
At 14.34: “Are you going to meet me at the office”. I replied “I’m just finishing here.” (Truth of the matter: I’d just come from the shower… trimming my beard, changing the band on my teeth. But the kitchen stuff was DONE!) Again, no reply. Oh well… Little did I know, she wasn’t receiving any of my replies (as we saw when she got to the flat… AND I JUST NOW, ON THURSDAY, 16.16 AT THE LIBRARY, NOTICED… I HAVE THE WRONG AREA CODE PROGRAMMED ON THE PHONE!!! OH WELL!) – I’m just going to include my notes that I’d put in for today…
***** NOTES *****
I’m in PAIN PAIN PAIN on the right side-I don’t know what I could have done there but it’s PAINFUL
*** Have learnt: ***
* V. is miserable here and is allowed to talk about it – I am miserable in Fuklin but must shut the actual fuk up
* Discussing the pains of others (physical, emotional, psychological, etc.) is healthy-Discussing mine is whining. –
There’s SO much left to pack in the cup-boards… I’m going to set the music on the lap-top,wash ALL, put it on the table because I don’t know what she wants to take with and what is being donated/discarded. But at lease all will be ready to pack. Just to DO something with this day.
13.32 AT LAST! The cup-boards are empty, things washed and dried and stacked. Me? Trimmed the beard, changed the band on my teeth (WAAAAAAY!!!! over-due on that!), shaved and showered delightfully. (Of course, the one thing that would make the day perfect would be the restoration of phone and internet… but… Bell told Viv “by mid-night”. Fucking liars.) I KNOW, for certain, that the work I’ve put in will be disappointing to some-one, some-how, for some reason. And… I most sincerely doubt that the packing of the washed and dried and stacked items will… well… not be done in a timely fashion and that there will be some negative comments made… in future, at some point. BUT… j’m’en câlisse. Tout le monde? Décâlisse! Merci. It’s been one of “those” visits… again. Others are free to voice opinions, points of view, whinings, bitchings, pissings, moanings, observations and the likes. Me? I should shut the actual fuck up. And so, I sit here, in Montréal, having had one after-noon to sit at George and Anna’s, and the 5 days come to a close and it’s been almost non-stop. Hey! Good for the labour. That’s me. But that’s the way it’s been, the way it is, the way it will be… for a while. Today, had I my BDM’s with, I’d be out the door, headed North into the Laurentians. Today would be THE DAY. I’m in the right mood, the right mind-set, the “END” of the line… TERMINUS. But, as Fate would fuck me… here I sit. Oh well and eh bin. C’est ca, c’est toute. J’m’en câlisse. Other-wise? I’m ready to simply grab bags and GO when Viv gets back. It will, I suppose, run one of 2 ways: (a) She’ll come in, “ready to roll”, tired and annoyed with the world about something and I will be an inconvenience or (b) she’ll come in, NOT “ready to roll”, in pain or simply too tired and departure will be postponed. Oh well… la vie… la marde. Good thing I left one pack of smokes at the house. Tomorrow, I’ve got to get the bike to Swanton to the shop to have the rear wheel repaired. Maybe a trip to Bedford for more smokes or to the banque to break the 100 for Bedford. Or, to the bike shop tomorrow and Bedford on Friday. Viv’s move is on Monday… I almost half expect to be expected to be here for that. But I’m not truly counting on it.. I truly count on nothing anyway. We shall see…. makes no difference one way or another. No matter. – So much to catch up with here and I don’t really remember much. Imagine that. It’s all become one blob of time. BUT… bottom line: I got the cup-boards cleared and ready to pack. So? So… – 15.13 At 14.35 came a message: “Are you going to meet me at the office?” I’d only just been trying to nap, in the breeze of the fan. Up since about 7.00 this morning, right into the washing. I’m SO tired! Just SO tired! And not looking forward to tomorrow. But… AND… I have no idea how to get to the office. Not to mention, schlepping the luggage and back-pack. I don’t have the car-fare. I’ll be going back to VT to come back to QC to get my smokes this week. I’m wondering IF the wheel on the bike will be fixed tomorrow. If I get there and the shop can’t fix it, I don’t know IF the bike will make the round-trip. I don’t even know if it’ll make the one-way. And… I’ve NO doubt that there’s going to be “a situation” coming today. Now I have to be on my guard… my BEST guard to say nothing… just say nothing. – The skies are over-cast. The weather forecast is for storms. – 16.45 I got Viv’s text messages today but there’s no telling where mine went… she got none. And yes… I’m expected to schlepp my luggage down-town to the office. So… tomorrow I leave. But… I say nothing. Not happy. But.. –
***NOTES***
As it all turned out for the day, yes, she DID expect me to schlep the luggage and such to the office. She seemed perturbed when I admitted not knowing how to get there. (tough shit). It takes a train and a bus! And she gives NO thought to it all. Gee… I wonder. – When she got back to the house, she was annoyed and wanted to postpone the return trip until tomorrow! I didn’t argue, told her to do what she felt was best. Then, of course, she tells me that she wasn’t going to wash all the things that I’d washed. DID I CALL THAT ONE? OH YEAH!!! – It was sudden and almost at the last minute when she announced that we were leaving… all the potential traffic bothered her something terribly. But here she was, last moment, telling me to get ready. I WAS… even to shoes and socks! I said nothing. Why bother? Suddenly… off we went, to the car and away. – We stopped at Boulangerie Tillemont… the same place she used to go to when she lived on Chabot, for slab pizza… this time it was 2 small pizzas for each of us. I have to admit… it tasted SO SO GOOD! and it was a delight. (She paid it… I was down to about 3 smokes and had the 15$ in my pocket to stop at a dép en route to get another pack… THAT never happened… I kept my mouth shut though.) – The trip back to VT was rather quiet… on both sides of the car. I was exhausted from the work all day and she was exhausted… because that’s how she is of late. It wasn’t “uncomfortable” but it wasn’t “happy” either. And the skies over the US side were DARK with clouds. As we approached Montérégie, and Ange-Gardien the humidity kicked in… but, Viv was still feeling a bit of the “chill”, although she commented “It’s thick!” Oh well… all a part of the “new and deproved” her… it’s annoying at best, but she’s still her and yes, she IS suffering from much. She got a touch on what I’ll simply call the “cranky” side as we rolled along. She didn’t “say” but it was clear that she wasn’t happy. She even mentioned leaving me on the ch. Dutch in St-Armand… about 5km from the border, and I’ll bet that if I’d said “Fine”… I’d be out the door and walking. It was one of THOSE moods. So I said nothing much on the matter and left it. – The border crossing went fine. I told her that, if the vehicles there, at customs, had VT plates on, most often, the crossing is easy. Her reply? “People from Vermont don’t work for Canada customs.” Well, gee, ya think? Again… hearing only what she wanted and interpreting that into what she wanted to understand. It was tiring at this point. I wasn’t happy about coming back and she was switching that attitude all along! I was looking forward to getting out of that car! THEN she noted that the skies were dark with clouds. I commented that it was only on the US side… being jovial. SHE was not amused. Oh well… fuuuuuuuuukme! Still, the crossing went well. – We got to the house, she got out of the car to hug and kiss and then got back into the car quickly. Kiss-kiss, hug-hug… I thanked her, she thanked me… and mentioned the washing that didn’t need to have been done… and she was off… down the 120 to St. Albans. I went round back and into the house. – The welcome was rather nice and I made a point of chit-chatting much. Just to keep in control of the topic. B. was already in bed. Jester told it was because of depression because of the whole “grand-daughter” business and then told me that B. had phone the son with his (Jester’s) phone and now Jester was getting vitriolic texts from B’s family.. un-wanted texts. L. told me after that Jester’s “sleuthing” (my terminology) and playing right into it. There’s shit to be slung and it’s about to hit BIG TIME I’m certain. But… I mind my own business simply saying that I can empathise because of the shit from my own sister and her kids.Alas…. Let them all stew in their own shit… their personal “manure pit”… Hell! It’s just as toxic. – So I continued to chit and to chat and to the room and to take Dixie out for a “’moke”. The dogs were THRILLED to see me! And, quite honestly, I was thrilled to see them as well at this point. – Jester told me that they’d had a “bonfire” on Friday (in the little “pit”). Well, of course they did… I wasn’t there! – I finally went to the room and stayed the rest of the evening. – It was about mid-night when I finally got to “lights out”… PAINFULLY! But… – Oh… and there’s a photo posted to fessebook: The radishes from “our” garden.. Fucktardz… I don’t give a shit… Drop dead or… what-ever. I jut don’t give a shit about anything around this town any longer. But I DID make a point of making it KNOWN that I DID NOT have a holiday over the past 5 days… NOT that it registered anywhere, I’m certain. Oh well… the trip HOME is done, I did the best I could… I asked Viv how she’s to get the remainder to France’s… she’s doing it alone… Oh well… Life… as Mum would say… is not fair. – I have the fan and it’s cool in the room and I’m SO FINISHED! And after all of that? FUCK IT, THE WORLD, THE PEOPLE, THE WHOLE FUCKINGMESS! FUCK IT AND SHOVE IT!

Thu.26.Jun: 11.03 Didn’t bother to get up at 4.30 this morning and woke at about 7.00. I don’t care. It was over-cast and I’m in no mood for any activities in the rain. Fukdatshit. But hte sun is coming through now… of all times. Tomorrow’s forecast is better, weather-wise. – It was TERRIBLE last night, trying to get comfortable! My right side is SO PAINFUL! (I just looked online… I think it’s kidney. I don’t know and I will NOT go to a doctor!) – Had 2 smokes already. Coffee, of course. Used the loo to pee this morning! And now? I find that the closest bike shop is in MILTON! I’ll need to break a 100, which I do NOT want to do! I need to get to Bedford for smokes (you’d think Viv would have offered, since she knew I was down on smokes yesterday… but… I’m betting that I’ll be written off soon enough anyway). I could use a nap… need to catch-up on this journal. But… I don’t know. – The front of the house hasn’t been maintained. The back has, but not the front. – Time to make decisions and get busy here! – 13.07 NOTHING accomplished! NOTHING! I’m sick to death of me today! Problem is: my sie hurts so damned much… AND… the closest bike shop is in… MILTON! BUT… the FUNNY BIT? Right down the road from B’s job! Imagine DAT! – I did manage to find 100 I didn’t know that I had. 20’s. So I can be off to Bedford when-ever the weather stops threatening me (and my body decides to stop the revolution). So that’s rather nice. I SHOULD go out and work on the bike… but I just don’t want to. The packing, washing and moving over the past 5 days has taken the spark out of me. Not to mention: I can’t help but think and feel that Viv’s rather disappointed and annoyed or something. Still, I didn’t cost her much (if anything). I put in my time and energy. Oh well… So be it. But the skies are clearing and the breeze is nice. The sun is hot and here I am in jeans and my jammie-top, on the bed. – OH! THE VEG GARDEN? WEEDED! Last night B. had the fucking BALLZ to post a photo of radishes from “our garden”. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Well, rumour has it that he’s quite upset about the grand-daughter affair and that now, Jester is in on it and her Ladyshit is chuckling about it. You know? They’re about to get just what they’re looking for… a face full of shit! And me? Won’t have to lift a finger… But I seriously hope that they don’t depend on me for any sort of help, inspiration or support… Ain’t ha’nin. – Onward… to… jack fuckall. I’m in no mood. – 13.40 At the library. Imagine that! I just decided that it would probably be in my better interest to get the hell out of the house for a while. The weather’s turned quite nice, but it’s just too late to head to any-where in particular. Tomorrow’s going to be a “difficult” day… I SHOULD get to Milton… I MUST get to Bedford. I SHOULD be in the barn, fixing the bike. But… I don’t feel like it. So… here I am, catching-up with the trip HOME. – 15.38 HONESTLY? You just can’t win in this place! I made the kindness of bringing a lettre from the library over to the PO and of course, as usual… BITCH-FEST!!! KRISTE! I want OUT of this HOLE! Oh well… back to the catching-up… Focus on the “good”… if I can find any. – 16.53 Just finishing with the events… the catching-up and I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat at the house for me. Hopefully I’ll be able to sneak some junk in… tomorrow’s a day of travel! – 20.10 Tired. In bed. Jammies on. The bitch-fest at the PO did me in. That, coupled with the statement about the uniform: “They want you to wear it but they won’t let me order it.” as if to say “They want you to wear it and you have to buy it.” just wears me out. Tomorrow? Bedford. After that? I don’t much give a shit. And B. lost in his own little self-imposed and self-created depression. Viv and her depression. L. and her depression. And me? I’m expected to be la-dee-dah and sing-song-whoodee-hoo. FUCK THE ENTIRE WORLD! And wouldn’t you know? Burt decides it’s time to mow the lawn! At this hour! And me? I stink like sweat tonight. But I have neither the energy nor the interest in showering. I just don’t give a damned shit. So? I’m going to bed… hopefully to sleep. I’ve taken my 3 aspirins and hopefully they’ll work well enough. I want to sleep this away… I’d like to sleep it ALL away. If only I’d’ve had my BDM with me the past 5 days. I could be at peace right now… HOME. Oh well. One day… soon now. The weather is nice enough. Just to find THE spot and… BUH-BYE! – The end.

Fri.27.Jun: 5.10

My head hit the pillow at 21.00 and I don’t recall falling asleep. The alarm sounded at 4.30, I turned it off and dozed and at 5.00, I was awake. I’m just up from a smoke, B. is just getting out of the shower and the day has begun. (And my stomach is out of wack this morning… a bit on the “churning” side. Oh well… of course it is.) But… I realised this morning that there’s a bike shop in… BEDFORD! So I’m hopeful that I can get the repairs done there today. That would be a delight, on several points: one-stop, and… in Québec! More money gone out of the country. (It’s a “thing” with me, to bring money out of here and into there… still.) I can hope… “Hope”… I’m such a turd. – Now for a weather check and then? Soon on the road and HOPE that the bike holds for the trip AND that I can get the repairs done. – Calm winds and a high of 27! Zero precip. Let us … well… hope. – 24.15 bed. Quite the day today indeed! – It all began with putting the new brakes on the bike, out behind the barn. (The garden’s been weeded and doing quite well, I must say… to my SHOCK! And there are potatoes ALL along a stretch of the fence! Too funny, that.) They “fit”. They don’t grab correctly. They don’t stop the bike, but they do slow it a bit… even after the guy at the bike shop adjusted them. But I think I might need the one washer that I didn’t put on. I’ll have to give that a try now that the wheel is better. –
I was out and on the road by about 11.00. Stopped at the PO before leaving. Nothing there. And I thought better of stopping to chat because, well, I wasn’t in the mood to hear the complaints today, It was a nice day and I was off to HOME and this time, for some real purpose, to get the bike fixed. – The trip to Bedford was slow today. And I had to stop a couple of times en route to put the chain back on and to make adjustments. And again today, in spite of being road-side with screw driver and such, cars just passed, not even stopping to ask if things were OK. People… wastes… selfish… nasty. But, although I doubt I’ll ever get used to it, I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is how they are. And I moved along at a pace where I didn’t have to exert myself at all. Just pedalled along. – Passed Sue, coming East on The Morses Line. She waved, I smiled. – Jo was at les douanes this morning. She was rather “to the point” this morning. That’s OK. I understand. – Got into Bedford by about 13.00! A rather long journey this morning. But as I say, I wasn’t in a hurry and I couldn’t have been anyway, with the bike in that condition. WELL! Come to find out, the axle and bearings in the rear wheel were shot! HEY! The bike is old, cheap and it’s been through a LOT of kilometres! Not to mention the roads! Dirt and such. Well, the older guy who did the repairs told me that, eventually, a new wheel will be needed (40$). Yes indeed. The bike will need “Love”. It’s like everything else about the house: just take all for granted. AND… it was only 11$ total! NOT BAD! I was expecting quite a bit more! And what a great opportunity! I had all the coins in the back-pack and they covered the cost! So, even the young lady at the shop said “That will make your back-pack lighter.” Indeed, it did. (Not that I’m filthy rich, but every little bit counts.) – SO… that done and with smiles all round, I headed over to Banque Nationale to change the 100 in 20’s that I’d forgotten that I had with me whilst in Montréal (imagine that… and I’m not sorry because I probably would have spent them on stupidity, today, I can get my smokes and such!). I enquired about opening an account there. I have to make an appointment but it can be done! I’ll have to seriously consider. The fact is, I spend more there than in the US… but I wonder about TD and the likes. One way to find out though… I just might go for it anyway. It would be nice… and it has to be done in the next couple of weeks before the “statutes” become ridiculous. Oh well.. more to ponder. – Then of to Metro for Vachon and smokes… with $CAD today! I got Mae West for me and Au Caramel for Sue to tomorrow. – Stopped at Barry for poutine again… paid CAD. I like their poutine. Too bad they don’t have Coke though. Still, I DO like their poutine. And it’s quite nice to sit there and enjoy it… at HOME. – I don’t know exactly what time it was when I left, but it was something round about 14.00 so I took my sweet damned time on the return. First of all, it was too damned HOT to rush and, well, it was quite a lovely day, going up for the bike and such. And I came back with 40CAD to my name. Next trip! – Customs was a snap today, I’m relieved to say. – THEN came the amazing bit: When I got to the house, John was here! He’d brought a ham and rather invited himself and me? I WAS INVITED TO JOIN! L. ACTUALLY PREPARED ME A VODKA-COKE! (2, before the evening was done.) AND I WAS ASKED TO DINE WITH THEM! AND BOTH B. AND L. SAID THEY MISSED ME AT TABLE! (I wonder…) After dinner, I went for a smoke and B. came out, a bit sloshed, and asked why I stopped eating with them. I told him it’s a bit of the being told about owing money and the car and the trip to Maine. He put it all on L. and said that that’s how he is. Thankfully, that chat was interrupted. I don’t want to bother getting into it now. – And tonight, the 5 of us (imagine… me, again, the 5th) sat round a bit of a fire in the back for a few hours. B. built, I tossed a bit on, but I actually got to SIT for most of it. John left round about 22.30 and B. and Jester went in leaving L. and I alone. – When L. and I came in… it was MID-NIGHT already! I’ll be sorry for that tomorrow… BUT L. THANKED ME FOR JOINING THEM FOR DINNER THIS EVENING! The wonders never cease. Although, I must say that there are moments, brief and rare, when I think that maybe all the “negativity” is on my part. But I do know that, as soon as I drop the “guard”, the invasion will come, so… – In the house, a brief shower and to bed. It was a delightful day… too bad it wasn’t in Richford.

Sat.28.Jun: 12.36 Woke at 6.00, shower, out. Regular day at work… miserable. – Got in at about 12.30 to find… A BURN HOLE IN THE CROTCH OF THE GOOD JEANS AND RIGHT THROUGH TO THE UNDERWEAR!!! CINDER FROM LAST NIGHT’S FIRE! FUCK ME!!! – Need a nap right now. Hungry and tired. Pissed at the world for work AND the JEANS! – No word from Viv. I suppose she’s pissed because not enough work got done whilst I was there. Not my fault. Oh well. Yesterday I felt as if I should send apologies. Fuck that. – Tomorrow? Enosburg. How fun! – HUMID!!!! TODAY!!! – Oh… and on Tuesday, the PO drawer gets the “Official” count. I can’t believe it’s been months there already and a YEAR here! It went quickly… I need to move along! (Good news: I did a count before leaving and adjusted the “overage” to 11$!!! May it be “correct” on Tuesday.) – Nap until 14.00 today… Some-what reparid the jeans… some-what… then… MOW THE FRONT LAWN! FUCK ME! – 21.46 Showered, in bed. Slept for almost 2,5hrs today. HOT! HUMID! THEN… went out, as the sun was behind the house, and mowed the front lawn. Will finish tomorrow. The mower is cutting again. I’m glad. – I WAS ASKED TO DINE WITH THIS EVENING. I mowed the lawn and the tatertots and nuggets were still waiting for me. A plate we set too! (I did have a bit this evening… just to do so.) What I DID have though was TWO “Biggy Iggy”s (and am now having a glazed donut). CALORIES! – Much work to be done round the yard now. But I have to say that the garden out back is rather nice… considering I expected it to simply over-grow. – Sewed the hole in the jeans. They’re not bad… not good but not bad. – I’m actually sore in the side tonight. And having felt that lump in there last night? Well… who knows? Maybe one of these days what-ever it is will get me. – OH! This morning, had a WONDERFUL chat with Jo… She truly is a wonderful person. Professional… but as she said: she has her job and I have mine. – It was rather miserable today, in spite of the PhoneBitchLinda coming in all nicey-nice. Hypocrite! The lot of them here though. And people giving me a hard time about getting their mail. I just refused. Tough shit, really. – Wiped out the EW site today. Shit! He wants to be nasty? I got nothing out of it, so I took it back. Fuck that. I backed it to the lap-top and deleted the rest. The only thing that comes up now is the “Copyright”. Subtle. Yes? I’m tired of doing work and getting shit. It’s done. Come get me if you feel you can. – End of the day. Still humid but cooler. Fan on. Me in bed. A bit of browsing and off to sleep. Early morning… on the front of the house. – PS The back yard where it’s not mowed is full of …. DAISIES! How interesting is THAT! I want to put some out front… Daisy’s House.

Sun.29.Jun: 6.49 Well, another Sunday. Another month. More money owed. And the morning is cool. The hazy sun is rising. And my guts are wrenching. Hey, ice cream and donuts yesterday. And my side is sore. So the day is… “normal”. Much to do about the yard today. – I didn’t get to sleep last night until… well… mid-night, again. I have to stop that! – 17.03 Just waking up… from a 3-plus hour nap! And even now, I’m not really ready to wake up. I could go right back to sleep with no trouble at all. I got the front of the house done this morning. Weeded and such from about 10.00 to 13.00. MISERABLY HOT out there! AND… I can’t find the hand claw that was in the bucket in the back-barn. Apparently, somebody used it and didn’t bother to return it. OK. Fine. Fuck. So it took me longer to do the weeding, but hey… it’s not that I had anything else to do. And as I worked in the front, the other 3 had at the “garage”, gathering bits of wood and such, which they’ve simply tossed on the wood-pile that I started… and I mean “tossed”. Then they pulled the old burning barrel out to the lawn and burnt something in that… so there’s to be a nice “ring” in the grass… and… as suddenly as they began… they ended, leaving everything as it was, and headed into the house. Half-assed shit. But again… none of my business and not my concern and I’m not going to say shit about it because, well, the front is what matters to me. Why? Because the entire town knows who does the front and so long as it looks presentable… it’s “MY” work. – So I came in at about 13.00, drenched, put on my shorts, put on the fan and started to browse and such on the computer and decided to close my eyes for a bit… and had the dogs not barked, I’d still be asleep, dreaming all sorts of strange dreams… absolutely none of of which I can recall.. And as for sleeping? I don’t give a shit. – Oh… I DID “eat” however… 2 “Biggy Iggy” and a Coke. So, I”m “good” for today. – 19.23 AND… well… after a bit of browsing, I find that I was called, on the Skype number, to arrange for the drawer count. I can’t imagine why on THAT number. But… WTF. No big deal. Tuesday. Meanwhile, the heat is horrid. The air is finally cooling a bit, but no nearly enough. This is un-nerving: there’s no escape from the HEAT any more! Even the “North Country” is getting too hot. Just makes me glad to be older and ill… Will Death come soon enough? I doubt it. – Argument on fessebook about those idiots who call the Homeless their “friend”. Futktardz. The entire lot of them. No sense in saying the mass twice for the deaf. – Waiting for the shower. No particular rush. Just want to be awake and up early enough to make a wash tomorrow morning. For now? Relaxing. Dirty though. Oh well. There’s time.

Mon.30.Jun: 4.52 I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but at about 4.00 this morning, I woke. Didn’t get to sleep until almost midnight last night. But here I am. And I think I have to finaly take a dump. But it’ll have to wait for a while. – Viv moves today. It’s supposed to be a SCORCHER! It’s already almost 70’ on the barn thermo! This is insanity! – And tomorrow, my rent debt goes to over 1000. I just don’t know how the hell I’m goingt o catch-up again! I need a fucking CAR! – Ah… even before the sun rises, the shit begins. Why do I wake each morning? – And my side is still sore. Why do I wake each morning? – Slept nude last night, under the sheet. That’s rather nice. It’s been YEARS! Comfortable, at last but.. – Time to check the weather. There’s laundry to be done. Hopefully line-dried. But it doesn’t seem so. It’s a bit over-cast and the breeze is HUMID! Summer. To think: I spent all Winter half-frozen. – I was just thinking, recently,, how I’d like to paint those oars, do some “collectibles”. But for what? So I can leave them behind just as I’ve done in the past? BULLSHIT! – Why do I wake each morning? It’s SO useless.- 23’ with a Humidex of 29 already! This is almost incredible! – 10.17 Done. Laundry is done. I’d made 2 washes, was putting the whites on the line when the thunder sounded in the distance. Took everything off the line and (removed the clothes that were in there from since Saturday) shoved it all into the dryer. And now, it’s done. And the rains? They came JUST as I’d put everything into the dryer! Oh well. And I think: Viv’s moving today. Hopefully this rain isn’t that far North. It wasn’t supposed to be this far North but… weather is Nature and Nature does what it damned well wants. – So? A quiet day. I’m HUNGRY! And there’s nothing in the room to eat. If I’d any sense, I’d go next door whilst the others are sleeping. But… nah… not yet. – 22.13 I don’t feel like being awake and it’s too hot to sleep tonight. The fan is on but… – The rain was short-lived and it did nothing to relieve the heat. Just added humidity. – I stopped at the PO today and had a lovely talk with Aline. Apparently I may be asked to work St. Albans Bay. They’re having trouble with the PMR there. – 22.41 Just looked it up. Just shorter than E.Fairfiled but they’re open at 9-12.30 and 1.30-4.30! Not bad! If they’d give me that office I could make money! AND it’s good roads AND it’s ON THE LAKE! SO… I MUST remember to tell Madame Aline tomorrow that I WILL take the office! WOOHOO! – That said, nothing accomplished all day today. Too TOO bloody HOT! – Invited to dine tonight. A porkchop and some rice. After, I snuck nextdoor for a Biggy and some cookies and soda. But still… it was kind of them and uncomfortable for me. – B.is working on the “garage”, shoring up the upper part. Much work. Silly to do so today in this heat. But… – Tomorrow… work. Drawer count. And HOT HOT HOT again! Same for Wed. This is going to be a difficult week: All closed North tomorrow. All closed Friday here. No money! I’ll need smokes before Monday. Must figure it out. Oh well… AND that fucking banque law goes into effect on the 2nd! Fucked again, me! Fucked all over. – Going to sleep now. Early day tomorrow. – And poor Dixie: eating grass and panting. I worry about her. My little Friend… she is… very much.