Tue.1.Sep: 8.16 I woke, in the midst of a DREAM where I was, it seems now, in the area of Mr. G’s, out in the open, but standing behind some young gal sitting at an old steel desk who was working for the PO, sorting through some papers in one of the desk drawers. I was “polite” as I walked away from her. She was “postal polite” as she continued on her what-ever. I bade her a good day and as I walked away I thought “So THAT’S what they replaced ME with.” and I continued on my way to…. I woke up.
OK. So at about 7.30, I got up, had my 1 VitC with coffee and went down for what’s my last Camel. There’s a HEAVY fog out this morning… the “drenching”, Autumn fog. Everything’s quite soaked. And the joys of yesterday got buried under the realities of today. I’m in a spin… a DOWN-WARD SPIN… heading for a HORRIBLY DARK place in my everything. No money, no income, no job, no prospects. The income from the work and Jacquie’s is, I’ve no doubt, come to an end. I don’t know exactly what to do at this point nor where to go. The car needs to be repaired. I’ve no doubt my FS are cut. Nothing… left with nothing. Just nothing. A new month… too many months of no income. Too old for too many things. This …. I just don’t know… Truly…. I just don’t know. I tried to tell me, as I took my morning “dump”:
You’ve been through MUCH worse than this and come out pretty much OK. There’s no sense in dwelling on the depression of the moment because that gets no-where and is only more painful. Bad times come and then pass. Who would have ever thought that yesterday could ever happen? But it DID!
I don’t listen to me… even when I’m talking perfect sense. – The message from Plattsburgh yesterday bothers me: wrap it all up… yesterday. That prospect seems to be dead. The EMPTY list of openings for VT and the sparse listings for NY on the PO site… well, it doesn’t make matters any better at all. SHIT is HERE! And I’ve got choices and decisions to be made. Ah… alone. – But… I slept through last night… about 7,5 hours. My sciatica seems to want to kick in now that the shoulder/lung pain is gone. Always a little something to hurt… there must ALWAYS be PAIN. – Well… I DID find the rolling papers that I was looking for and there’s plenty of Cecil’s pipe tobacco to be rolled so… I have decisions to be made… and to ponder and to be made and…. Life is just NOT worth the effort. – A new month. 60 years. FUCK. –
20.56 I CAN NOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER!!!!! I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP. I DON’T WANT TO GO TO SLEEP. I HAVE TO GET TO SLEEP. I’M AFRAID TO GO TO SLEEP. I CAN NOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER!!!!! – Ran to Swanton Lumber with Jacquie after “DJ” (David) her new tenant-to-be came and told her that if the flooring isn’t there by Thursday he would swallow his losses and walk away. Ca ce peut tu? Well… almost another 2k$ there that she’s investing. Then back to the house and it was already 15.00! We’d had a quick salad for lunch, she fixed chicken and couscous for dinner. We gleaned her e-mails and then got corn for the folks here in the pit. I walked round the Square rd with her and Hallie and came in to find HLS and B. in the parlour, TV on blaring. I took the 2 dogs out for a ‘moke. Dixie got a toad so… oh well on that. But still, my heart breaks for her since I OWE her some fun. Tomorrow… fun for her is priority! Tough shit for the rest of the world. – I’m still thankful for yesterday, but I think my “income” has been cut. I can’t say that there’s blame. It’s time. Still, she’s already got me in for taking care of the house the week of the 14th again. But I can’t wait until then. I need to get back to work and on my own and out of this state! OR… take me out of this state and just OUT. Maybe that’s the better option. I don’t care right now. I’m drained. Tired. Fed up. Have had it. – 21.35 TV still banging away. My teeth on the right side of my mouth are aching. No Internet connectivity. Nothing to nosh on. I don’t know if the teeth hurt because of sinus or the sinus hurt because of teeth. Well… the best I can do at the moment is put out the light and hope for sleep… in pain… PAIN! I’m SO SICK OF PAIN! FED-UP with PAIN! But there’s nothing I can do about it tonight. – 21.49 The town went completely dark for a moment or so just a bit ago. I no sooner got to the road to admire and enjoy the darkness when the lights all came back on. I wonder… matches my mood, to be honest. – Trying some Listerene on the teeth and hoping for the best. – No internet until the router is re-set so I may as well tuck in and fugghedaboudit. Fukkitall.

Wed.2.Sep: 8.07 It was another night, straight out of the Book of Hell. My teeth on the right side pounded and throbbed in PAIN. My sciatica twinged. My left shoulder/lung ached and I laid in the bed, trying to get into a comfortable position, hoping for sleep and praying for death. I don’t know what time I finally fell asleep, but this morning I can say that what-ever sleep I might have gotten… it wasn’t “good”. – Another day. I’m up from a smoke. Rolling pipe tobacco again. The barn thermo reads 60F. My body tells me 160C. 60… maybe I’m finally falling apart. That would be quite nice. – First thoughts of a day: job, car, my life being ruined by the shits of VT. But, when Death comes… it doesn’t matter. We all end up the same: dead… and none of this matters. How brazenly bold, and stupid, really, are we, to think that we make any difference at all in the Greater scheme. Insects build homes, and even path-ways where they come and go. Birds build nests and raise children… we, people, even refer to our children in terms of “leaving the nest”. But it takes nothing to step on an insect, or drive over a bird on out roads. Just like insects, birds, mice, moles, rats… we are born… we exist… we die. And just as them, we mean nothing, when we seriously consider the vastness of time and space. 60 years is nothing, no time at all, really, when there are stones in the soil we plant in that are thousands of years in existence. Nothing… we are important only in our own minds… and important only because we’ve been convinced that we’re important… and we are not. – I’ve not idea really, what I should (or why I “should”) accomplish today. But what-ever it is, it is, no doubt, to make somebody else’s “life” a little easier, a little better… not MINE… THEIRS. So much for another day… and it hasn’t even yet begun. – 21.15 Feels like 24.15! SO fucking TIRED! And again, in PAIN! Now it’s the entire upper chest. It just came as I was talking with HLS in the kitchen. Falling apart? I hope so. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray they take my life to keep…. – A “nothing accomplished” day that ended with me coming over to the pit at about 15.00 and “napping”… until almost 19.00! Annoying dreams that I don’t recall now… but one had some reference to the PO. But as I say, I don’t recall and don’t really care to because they were “annoying”. – Jacquie rang the house phone at about 19.30 and HLS answered… told her that I wasn’t “100%” but I’d told her that before… no sleep last night because of the pain… SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN! But you know? As nice as people might be… they don’t listen when I talk of pain. I’m not allowed to have pain, and if I do have, I’m not to speak of it. Fine… Fukkoff! So there. Anyway, he was polite enough (barely) and did get me off having to go over there. Not that I don’t want to… but I’m exhausted tonight… so much so that I accepted an offer of a beer, at the picnic table, with HLS this evening, AND a few Melatonin! Anything to help get to and stay asleep through the night! – And it’s a hot and humid one too! – Oh well… as I say, nothing got “accomplished” today. And I don’t really give a shit. But I DID get this journal up to August… with images and such so… I do believe my body is actually catching-up with abuse… Now… if only for a real smoke (I hate pipe tobacco rollies). And I should check what’s left of FS… but that’s even more depressing and my days are wrought with anxieties to begin with… why bother compounding… when I’ll be dead and none of this will have ever happened. – 23.07 I’m still awake. HLS is still awake. I can’t stand much more of all of this pain! Just up from a smoke that tastes and smells like Hell. But I was with m’Dixie… looking at the night sky, and she made it wonderful. Still… I CAN’T STAND MUCH MORE OF THIS PAIN!

Thu.3.Sep: 7.17 Another night of no sleep. PAIN… from head to toe. PAIN in the chest. PAIN in the lungs. PAIN in the back. PAIN in the waist. PAIN in the thighs. PAIN down the legs. And today, PAIN in the arms and hands. PAIN. As I say, from head to toe. Just PAIN. I don’t know what it is. I’ve never had this much PAIN in all of these places and area. PAIN. – Over-cast this morning. Clammy. – 7.27 Back from the loo. HLS and the freak are both awake already. My own anxieties aren’t bad enough… I wonder. – I wonder: CHF? Ca lung? Dunglung? I wonder. Well… I’m pondering a trip to the ER to find out what… Pondering. Nothing seriously. Just pondering.

***** It would be nice if I could be cremated, and if somebody would think enough of me to bring the ashes up to Mont Royal, to some place where people don’t tread, and just spread them in the wooded area, where Villeray can be seen… or Centre Ville. Either or. It would be nice if… *****

Oh well. Nobody reads this. And I doubt anybody ever will. But there we have it. – Now… on with the day… what-ever will come, for as long and as much as is possible. It’s been a good Summer, I should think. I got the garden up and running and producing. I got the 2 rooms done for Jacquie. There are more flowers planted round this old house here, in the front and back. The little garden out back has a place where folks can sit and relax. The barn looks quite nice. The lilies along the Highgate street are cleaned up. They need weeding, but they’re actually a “bed”. That’s a good start for anybody who might care… nobody cares. Silly me. But it’s done. I leave the place a little better than when I arrived. – Today, I have no phone, no mailing address, no job, no income, I don’t really exist at all. Oh well… I’m on my way from misery to nothingness today… Oh well. Hell… it all means nothing when we’re gone anyway. Soon…. “very” soon… it seems today. – Moving along…. – 10.44 and out the door… in PAIN. – 21.56 in bed AT LAST! It was a difficult day, because of the pain… and because of my fatigue… and because of being with somebody who pays little attention to what’s been said, even in reply to a question. But… Jacquie and I worked on getting her reservations made for her motels and had a bit of corn (I had an ear) for “lunch”. Then we went to the garden to pick corn and such… I picked for the pit and she took it all to work. Ca ce peut tu? I said nothing… no sense. As I live by these days:

People who don’t listen aren’t worth speaking to.

That said, she was off and I fried-up 3 crook-neck squash for me. Yes, I was hungry by then, but not earlier. I even had TWO tomato sandwiches for dinner! THEY were delicious! – I came back to the pit to find B. (who’d come back at about 10.00 this morning… I learnt just now that he’d taken HLS … and, no doubt, the freak… to the fair in Essex… how charming for THEM) installing a new light fixture over the back door. I came up to the room and put the gardening and the room-work on my postal CV so that I’ve not been “un-employed” all Summer. And then it was time to head back to Jacquie’s. I took m’Dixie with me this evening whilst I raked that area behind the telephone company shed. (If it’s safe enough, I just might park the car back there on the week-ends and when Jacquie heads out in a week.) Jacquie doesn’t seem too happy about all that work back there but… it makes HER yard look nicer and cleaner, and it’s done… so… fukkitall. – After the raking and moving all the rocks and shit, I brought Dixie back to the house and I went over to feed Hallie, have my tomato sandwiches, “report” to Jacquie at 20.00 and I SHOWERED there! It’s the least I could have done for ME. Besides, I haven’t bathed since Monday morning… it was about time, I should think. – When I got back to the pit, B and HLS were on the back porch under the new light. We all had a smoke. B. retired first and HLS and I chatted a bit until just now. – Tonight, I’ve taken 2,5 “Aleve PM” thanks to Jacquie. I’m just waiting for them to “kick in” and I’m HOPING they WORK and I’ll get to SLEEP THROUGH the night! – Meanwhile… even though I did some “stuff” today… I still actually wish I could just go to sleep tonight and NOT wake up tomorrow… I mean really… if I’m dead… nothing will matter anyway. And as for the ones left behind? They didn’t give a shit about me… I’ve actually busted my old body for them. I’ve no debts… I’d be out of here and away… Done. If only… if only… if only…

Fri.4.Sept: 9.19! Got into bed at almost mid-night and…. I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! HOW WONDERFUL IT THAT? SLEEP! AT LAST! (How terrible though, that I’m awake to journal this morning.) Still, my sciatica is “here” and too, the tightness in the chest. But this morning, this sunny morn, the tightness is centred more about the “heart’ so I’m thinking “CHF”, fluid round the heart. But, you know? I don’t give a shit. – Hoping to get my clothes washed today. And maybe even the bed-linens. They’ll have to be done at the house I should think. But, Hopefully, they’ll all get done either today or tomorrow. I’d like to get to the garden… there are carrots to be harvested. I’d like to do something round the front of Jacquie’s to clean it up a bit. I’d like to do… something… today. We’ll see what gets done. It feels good to have slept, even though there’s remnants of the Aleve. But… we shall see what we shall see today. – 23.07 Today… this morning… when I finally got my arse together and got Ms. Hallie her breakfast at about 10.30, began with cleaning… dishes, the stove (with oven cleaner), the little water closet (the one that “somebody could use as their bathroom and sometimes use my shower” but… is a water closet with-out any real privacy). By the time I got done with that (and gnawing on a chicken leg for “lunch”), I went and got m’Dixie to keep me company as I continued to clean the area behind the phone shed. Well, as I type, the Subaru is parked there… until Sunday, at least. Next was to straighten the wood piles, and to make the yard look nice. Brought m’Dixie back to the pit (poor dear) and went over to the house to fry up the burger (which was going a bit on the crusty) with some of the couscous. “Dinner”. All the while I was working through the day, I was doing my laundry!!! CLEAN BED LINENS TONIGHT! Thank you Jacquie. AND… I did the linens for the bed over there too, and made that bed… one never knows when one might be in need of it… I dare say. And… my towel and flannel got done as well as ALL of my clothing. So there! I figure: it’s the least I can get in return for the work. Which reminds me: I cleared the kitchen table for Jacquie’s little “Monday do”, and the “kitchen island” got cleaned too. So it was a day of cleaning. Just before my shower, I Hoovered the kitchen floor… I’ll damp-mop on Sunday morning. I’ve no doubt that the place will be a mess again by Monday’s “do”, but at least I did my part. – Got back to the pit round about 21.00 and a smoke with HLS who was ever so chatty this evening. Apparently they’d gone to Enosburgh for something today (there’s to be a “cook-out” and fire tomorrow evening… I’ve been asked to “consider hanging out with us”) and, well, tonight’s mood was favourable. They were supposed to go to NEK for the week-end.. Oh well… I’ll have to bring food from the garden for them for tomorrow… salads and such… beans and corn no doubt. Seems their Eric met their “José” and tonight is their first “date” and they’ll be over tomorrow. How charming. La. Fuk. – But, I’ve got clean bed linens, clean towel, clean clothes, a beer from the fridge (Stella Artois), I’m sorry I didn’t bring something to munchie on but I’ll have to remember that tomorrow evening. – Tomorrow I’m hoping to get some yard-work done here too… make a nice impression whether I attend the festivities or not. – For now… I’ve had 3 Melatonin, 2 AlevePM and am just finishing a beer. I’ve got 3 rollies and 2 papers left. I’ll have to count my change tomorrow for more papers!!! I MISS my cigarettes, but I don’t believe there’s any more cash coming in any longer. Oh well… Life returns to the shit it was intended to be. Alas… I’m actually ready to hit the “HOME” trail anyway. – OH OH OH… I SPOKE WITH EV TODAY! GOT HER ON HER CELL. SHE’S BEEN AT THE LAKE ALL SUMMER!!!! THAT WAS SUCH GOOD NEWS TO HEAR! She cut the chat short because a friend was there to take her to “the beach”. It was good to hear her voice… and good to know that she’s doing well. I bade her “Good Shabbos” and she bade me a “Happy New Year” (for the 13th of this month.. which, by the way, is the date I’m considering returning to the kippa… fuck the rest of these idiots here). – On THAT

Sat.5.Sep: 9.19 already at the house. Ms. Hallie has had breakfast. I have half a jar of coffee which I’d left here yesterday so I HAD to come this early to have coffee. But, at least I have the mug washed, as it were. I need more coffee. I need smokes. I need papers… I’ve rolled the last 3. It’s coming back (back… always the same… back) to misery. I just don’t know, really. And I’m typing this at the house this morning, on e-mail. Just thoughts in the brain… thoughts. – Sinuses are acting up too this morning. Oh well… – 9.22 and time to make it appear that I’ve done something… today is here and there. BOTH. – I’m sick to fucking death of working so hard to make everybody ELSE’S house and home look nice and orderly… and never MINE! NEVER! Well, I DO have my own way out of this shit… soon and very soon. – Oh, slept through the night last night. 2 AlevePM, 3 Melatonin and a beer. Not to mention the fan for air and clean, clean me and linens. – So… I suppose I have to work for that… WORK… HAVE TO… WORK! I’m SO BLOODY FUCKING TIRED! – 21.46 In bed. Showered at Jacquie’s. Clean work clothes (but shit on my jeans that got picked-up in this fucking yard… murder might be called-for). Having a “Stella Artois” with some chips (from the house) and… everybody’s in bed. It feels so much later. But… the day? The DAY! I was up and out the door by about 9.00… over to the house by 9.30 and gave Hallie her breakfast and got right into working. Took the weeds from the gutter in front of the house. Vaughn came by and asked “Does it ever stop?” You know… I’m glad that people SEE ME doing the work. Hell, at this point… I’m the one working for the town. Fucktards that they are. So then, I went to the front of the pit and pulled the weeds from the gutter out front here too! B. and the freak came out and went to the store (with a car FULL of empties) and I continued to work… in the heat. But… got a broom and the blue garden trolley and cleaned the gutter in front of Jacquie’s AND this place! WELL HELL! That pretty much covers the fucking town right there! Next on the agenda was weeding the bench garden (for company)… and on to a cold borscht for lunch. That was followed by a harvest of beans (7,75lbs) (4lbs of which came to the pit), cucumbers, carrots, beets and corn… delivered in front of company (as the freak grilled the burgers and franks… and… B. asked if I would eat with them… I declined saying I had to clean my mess in Jacquie’s kitchen and that I thought they’d be eating a bit later… oh well). Veggies delivered, I grabbed the reel mower and did the front yard. I was hoping the back would get done today but… better than it didn’t, I suppose. I’d’ve felt the need to “trim”. Back to Jacquie’s for the left-over chicken leg and couscous for “dinner”… and then… and THEN… HAIR-CUT! HAIR-CUT! YAY! Fed the chickens, took out the veggie clippings and then… SHOWER! And wash my work clothes (and the towel and flannel so that they’re back where they belong). Fixed me a drink: a little tequilla, vodka, rum, orange juice and cider (it didn’t touch me at all…sadly… not even the rum I had after!) as I waiting for the clothes. By 20.00 I was on the phone with Jacquie for the nightly report. She was closing meds and wanted to call back… I told her I was leaving. And so… Hallie had dinner and snacks. The kitchen is in order. Just a damp mop over the floor tomorrow (of course I expect the place to be a proper mess by Monday anyway). I’m going to try to figure a way to not be over there much tomorrow. I need some “my” time. – So… at about 20.15 I came to the front to see that Eric and José were already gone. I came into the house… the 3 were out back at the fire. I came in, rolled a few rollies and went out. When I got there, apparently B. and L. were happy that I’d done. “I was wondering if you’d come out to join us.” said B. The freak was already fucked up and stammering and repeating. L. was slightly stoned. B. appeared too sober. Moments later, the freak left and we sat, watching the old barn wood BLAZE! That wood is SO DRY! Frightening. – And so, that was the day, into the evening, into the night. And now, at 22.06, I’m munching the chips, having the beer, the fan in the window is keeping it cool enough and I’m looking forward, with great hopes, to a sleep! Times are tough… I hate “life” and “living”… but… Shit happens… then we die.

Sun.6.Sep: 9.00 I woke, myself, just before the 8.00 alarm. Had to get water for coffee and roll a smoke. Immediately to the loo for BM. Everything is “off”… No water for coffee, having to roll a smoke… and immediately to the loo? And I’m in pain this morning. This is getting to be the “norm”… this pain. Woke once at about 4.00 with leg cramps. I wonder what that shit is from? AND… how much longer all this pain will last. Anyway, I can’t bitch (much). At least I did sleep last night and woke on my own. – A touch hazy this morning. I still have to get over to Hallie. I’m not planning on being at that house all day today. Must to leave a note “Do NOT call this house!” Honestly, one would think that people would have better sense… but I’m guilty of that: too much credit for god sense. Oh well. – I don’t know what to do with the rest of this day, but then again… I’m sure that if I stay too close to the pit, somebody will find something for me to do and I’d rather do… NOTHING! THIS is going to be tricky… doing NOTHING… I’m tired, and in pain and nobody gives a shit. Oh well… Worse days have come and gone… – The anxiety of going with-out a job for so long is taking a toll too. I wonder, daily, why I don’t just go and check-out… it really is time to do so… and the “work” around here is, for all things considered, “done”. Oh… to just find a place… go… and “go” and be gone. – A new day… old shit… always… old shit. – 15.07 Got the house cleaned this morning when Hallie got breakfast. Left a note for Jacquie telling her what I’d done and asking her not to phone the house-phone here. I just can’t take the “attitude” when she does. Moved the car back to the road. The fucking tyre is grinding and I can’t fucking afford to have it repaired. So… I came back to the pit… and napped… for almost 1,5hrs. I think I needed that. When I woke… the 3 of them were off in the car and me? I GOT THE HOOVER and cleaned this fucking room. (Fucking… it’s hot and humid again today and I’m in some kind of mood. I need food. I have 31$ and no visible way to get to the market… considering the car. Fucking.) And now… with the fan going and having had a coffee… pee-bottles clean, water bottles filled… I’ve no intention of “doing” much of (if any at all) anything… anything at all. – I’m tired… and although not in major pain… still in pain. – Oh… brushed m’teeth too! YAY! AT LAST! – 23.30 ANd just getting in! from a WONDERFUL dinner at Jes and Kerry’s… with a rather large gathering including Pam and her husband, a couple from Laval (who have a place in Enosburgh) he’s an Arab who teaches at McGill and she’s got connections in… THE BRONX! A librarian and his wife… it was quite wonderful! Imagine: I’m getting a “social life” in town… as I’m psychologically getting OUT! Jacquie came to the house to fetch me and asked me to dinner because I was actually asked for! (HLS asked that I return round about 21.00 so we could have a “last smoke” this evening but…). I was sitting at the desk, ensconced in the soc.med. and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. But I was invited to dinner and, well… food… I have none here and I’d just guzzled a bit of dressing to kill and appetite. So an invitation to eat? All told, I’m glad I did. And tomorrow, more dinner… at Jacquie’s… she’s having a cook-out “birthday” do for a priest friend. Should be interesting. Jes and Kerry will be there so… – But the SUPER news of the day is that I’ve Hoovered this little shit-box… and HOOVERED! And inflated the mattress and it’s SO comfy again. I hope I can get a good night’s sleep tonight. I’m feeling a little on the cruddy side… no shower today… but got scrubbed last night so, not too bad. I’ll have to get a shower in tomorrow though… some-how. – But it was a delightful evening… with nice people… nice chats about Jewish communities and such. Indeed… indeed… now… to get the actual FUCK OUT of town… I just need to get away from here… really. – Oh… and as I came to the back porch door tonight, I asked “Please… have at least a little mercy.” meaning… no barking. WELL! FUKME! The mutts, all 3, let out a bark-howl-and-yip even as I opened the OUT-SIDE door! Fucking shits! And of course, everybody in the house is already in bed! Dixie came to the door to meet me but got a stern “NO!” The others? A bit of pipe to the back-side… if only I could do that to the Mexishit! Well… it’s really not my responsibility and so, shouldn’t be my concern. – I’m also a bit peeved about having to roll smokes again. But I suppose I should simply be OK with having the tobacco and papers. (I’m not… but…) – And I have to add the thought: The entire town knows who’s doing all the work here at this place and now at Jacquie’s… which means TWO MAJOR homes on the main are looking better because of me. So… the town already doesn’t appreciate the owners of this establishment, and MY side of the situation is now out so…. Fuck me… and you fuck yourselves. Amen.

Mon.7.Sep:
http://www.annebarbano.com/audioplay.php?idinterview=21

2.35 still awake and I don’t know why… with an alarm set for 8.00 and a bit of work to do to help with the party at Jacquie’s. This is NOT happy. – 12.25 Woke at the 6.30 alarm and dozed. Woke with the 8.00 alarm and got up, had coffee, rolled a smoke and went out to find B. and the freak already on the porch working. Ca ce peut tu? Chatted nice-nice. Got told that I “missed” my “curfew” last night. Teehee but… BUT… L. had it pegged: if I’d gone to Jes and Kerry’s I wouldn’t be back until after 23.00 and… of course, the freak reported that that was correct. Anyway, I came back up to the room and spent the rest of the morning on-line. – Hell, it’s 30° about now and humid and I’m in no mood to do much of anything. I know I promised to go to Jacquie’s and I should. I’m starving now, but not really in the mood for “priestly” bullshit today. So… I’ll probably have another coffee, go and help and feign needing a shower or something. I can always bring veggies and have them for “meal” tonight. (Of course, I’ve already packed the fucking bowl… being the dumass that I am.) – Well.. the house is awake now and I’m ready for a nap but I don’t dare to do that (unless for 30 minutes which I might just do). As I say… I don’t feel like doing anything… it’s really just too hot. Besides… I do believe I’ve earned a day off… and it’s a holiday… “Labour Day”… for those who labour. –
23.22 WHAT AN INCREDIBLE DAY!
Lazing round the room for the morning (and not getting to Jacquie’s until almost 13.00), I happened upon the interview:
Anne Barbano’s The Next Frontier
Title: Working Homeless and Almost Homeless meet
Guest: Jude and PJ
Recorded on: 10/27/2011
I listened to all but the last couple of minutes and BY GOD!!!! It was WONDERFUL to hear PJ’s voice and to listen to what we both had to say that evening. I remember it all so clearly… and I have to smile when I hear Anne say that she’d like to catch-up with me in a year from then. Well? I could… catch-up with her… 4 years later. SO MUCH has changed! Especially my enthusiasm for Vermont (to think I want to get back to NY now). I really have to find a way to record it! – Well… I left after that, intending to go to Jacquie’s to help set up for her dinner and leave but… SHIT it was HOT and HUMID today! Temperatures probably hit the 90’s!! Poor Jacquie had been cooking all morning! And she had things she’d’ve liked me to do… and I did what I could… I was feeling the heat and it took my all just to animate! – Well… it was about 15.00 when Harold (the Episcopal/Unitarian minister) and Carolyn (his wife) arrived. (and I continue, filling in the blanks on Monday… Rosh Hashanna, the 14th Sept.)…. (Tue.15.Sep: Never did get to this yesterday… It’s already 15.45and Jacquie’s… noted on this date… I’ll have to get to this today! At some point… and I shall… indeed.) So… I had NO intention of staying for the “dinner party” but because I came over to the house rather late-ish, I got “caught”. As I’m sitting at table, chatting, the first of the “dinner guests” arrived. A large fellow, grey hair, and a rather plain-looking woman, dressed tastefully in black. Harold… the Episcopal minister and his wife Carolyn. Well.. I was rather “trapped”. Harold was, as I expected. a “difficult” one. Being obese, suffering from difficulty breathing (and, as I was to learn later, some kind of cancer), and one of those “I have a degree” types, it was, to say the least, almost difficult to talk with him because he refuted everything! But… Next to arrive, Kerry. Jes would be following along shortly. I’d set up the bar-b-q out back, Jacquie lit the coals and Jes was to cook… a rather large sirloin. This was a birthday dinner in Harold’s honour. – We had steak, salads… and Jes roasted 4 ears of the Ambrosia corn on the coals and it was INCREDIBLE! DELICIOUS. Dinner was, all told, rather interesting and ever so delicious! Hell! Steak! I haven’t had beef in so long… and this was cooked almost to perfection. What wasn’t to love? Nothing. – AFTER dinner, when Kerry and Jes left, Harold and I somehow got into a “chat” that led to “religion” and I thought he was Catholic… at least he spoke like a brain-washed, fundamentalist Catholic. He refuted MY Jewish teachings at every syllable, spewing his “Jesus shit” at me. It got quite heated for a while… BUT… when it ended, I did my best to thank him and make it known that I appreciated being able to get into debates and such like that. (It never registered, apparently, that I was appreciative and Jacquie held on to her opinion that it was “out of hand there for a while”. One cannot fix stupid. Oh well. One doesn’t bother trying.) At one point, Harold decided he HAD to read to me, some notes that he’d made and compiled into a little “booklette”. As the clock approached 22.00, Carolyn begged him “Have some mercy.” They had to drive back to Montgomery…. in the dark! Harold snapped at her “No. YOU have some mercy on ME!” I knew then, it was gone sour… and Harold then proceeded to read the booklette… in it’s entirety! They didn’t leave until at least 22.00! I left shortly there-after, exhausted. – At the pit… the dogs barked when I got in!!! SHIT! But I went out to have a smoke with HLS and as we spoke he had some ever-so kind words. “The very first time we met I knew I’d like you. Something just clicked.” (Yeah… right… sure… that’s now… until the next time when I hit the top of the ‘Shit’ list.) But I have to admit that it DID get to me to wonder if my insecurities are of my own conception and not based on them. Interesting. – We came in. HLS went to the recliner and me…. being in “good graces” this evening, I SHOWERED! – When I came out of the shower, it was raining… AT LONG LAST! Hopefully to cool the weather down a touch. – I put on my sleep-wear and headed down to the kitchen to leave the cucumbers I’d brought and to have one, final, relaxing smoke. – Poor Bob… I noticed in the down-pour that there are leaks in his roof! Well then, back up an into bed!!! It was HOTTER than all in the room. – Before light out, the thoughts on the day: The 50 from Jacquie today made it possible to get to the PO to rent a box again and get a mailing address again… with a bit left over for a pack of smokes! I had to wonder: “Divine intervention”? I didn’t expect to get anything more from her now that the rooms are done and the garden in under weigh. – A bit of a check into the soc.med., hoping for rain through the night, tired, hot and hoping to sleep!!! – But, all told, quite the incredible day! Good… ca ce peut tu?

Tue.8.Sep: 9.17 Let’s talk OVER-sleep! I heard the 6.30 alarm… turned it off… went back to sleep. Just woke moment s ago. Coffee, smoke, trip to the loo. And it’s MISERABLY MISERABLY HOT AND HUMID!!! AND I DO MEAN “MISERABLY” HOT AND HUMID! But tomorrow… POB and FS. So I set my sights on tomorrow and will roll through this day… fuck it. Truly. I just CAN’T give a shit. I have to get or find or print or make an address of residency. Fuckall. – 11.55 wasted morning again… but tomorrow will be “make-up” time, no doubt. HOT! HUMID! and time to move along… slowly. I’m tired. Would like to just get back to sleep… but… maybe I will anyway. I don’t know for certain… yet. – 23.48 Well, the day is finally done. I could use a shower but… just up from last smoke with HLS after about 3 hours of chatting in the parlour! Ca ce peut tu? Nice chatting… although he was a touch stoned. – A calmish afternoon with Jacquie. We got her entire trip onto her “Garmin” and that was the accomplishment du jour. Dinner with Jes and Kerry who are heading back to Ottawa tomorrow. I guess I’ll never get to do that to Québec… but soon enough… I’ll be there… period. – Tomorrow’s forecast is for a Humidex of 100F! NOT looking forward to that… along with having to re-apply for FS and a PO Box! Fuck! But… the day is done… I could use a serious clean up but I’m tired… and the beer shared with HLS on the back porch… well.. I’m tired.

Wed.9.Sep: 7.29 Another day… hot. Not terribly. But hot. I’m tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Head-ache. Another day. A DREAM: Went to the PO to get the box. A new, young, “local” type girl and a “Stacey” type working there. I curtly asked for an application for the box. She handed me several sheets of paper, forms that had been completed already, that I recognised. Forms that I’d done previously, not neatly written, by me, and notes all over them, not written by me. I asked again, for an application. She muttered “They’re going to verify everything you write from now on.” I put my paper-work together in a tote/back-pack and looked at the “Stacey” and simply said “You’ll just never give up. Will you? You’re in a bit deeper than you want to be.” And then I asked the younger one, who was lounging, on a chair, feet up on a desk/table, about her position and title. She just looked and told me “I don’t know….” as if avoiding the question. I woke with my 6.30 alarm. – More anxieties this morning… anxieties that I neither want nor need… about residency. I need the mailing address now… I don’t need this shit here. I want OUT and AWAY. I NEED a fucking JOB… AWAY from here! – Not sure what I want to do with this day… especially if it’s going to be so hot. I could weed the garden, land-scape Jacquie’s. I just don’t know… anxieties. Fukkall anyway. – 13.20 time to start the day… been on or in the bed all day. Imagine that! Now to try to get a POB! Fuck me! – 18.12 ANOTHER NAP! The rains came and went all afternoon… heavy, heavy rains. I managed to bring 8 ears of Ambrosia corn to the house and some more cucumbers but the rains poured, I had a smoke, came to the room to check the windows… at about 15.30 and … slept again until almost 17.00!!! SLEEPING! ALL FUCKING DAY! Hopefully the AlevePM will help knock me out tonight. I’m a wreck. And it’s still hot and humid in the room. And I’ve not had the fan running all day. So… I need a shower. I need something. I don’t know. I’m a mental mess. – Just tried a felt-pen sketch for a card for Eve… fucked a bit. And now I know I won’t ever get more pens when these run out. DEPRESSION! – I need to get to the market for coffee… the car worries me. And today I see… the insurance and registration run out in…. NOVEMBER!!! 2 MONTHS TO GET 270$! I AM SO SO SO FUCKED! And down, and down and down I go…. – Well… time for another rollie… – OK… so at about 21.00 I had my rollie after a bit on the fesse-book. HLS joined, of course, getting a bit too stoned. When we came in, we chatted and suddenly I was offered a hot tea (peppermint) and HLS popped corn… So we sat at kitchen table having tea an pop-corn how lovely. – When I was coming up to get to bed, I lingered in the parlour and was told “In this heat, you should come in here and cool down. I wish you would I wish you’d come down more often. You remind me so much of me in my younger years …. I’d stay in my room with my music most of the time.” (Me, today, I spent a lot of time in the room… but sleeping.) Anyway… interesting twist to the end of the day… Do I buy into any of it? Nah…. I’m silly… certainly not stupid. – END OF THIS, ANOTHER FUCKING DAY OF “Life”! Oh… it MUST be at least ALMOST time to check out! (I’m seriously thinking about it.)

Thu.10.Sep: 00.55 Silas b’day today. – The room’s actually cool at last. – 8.15 SO much for that alarm this wet, but COOL morning. And THIS morning, my entire left side is stiff, and in my nose, a stench of sinus infection. Good morning. And Happy Birthday Silas. I’m supposing you’re still full of negative memories… but if you knew… this move to this place hasn’t been all kind to either of us. I wonder where you are, and I hope that you are well. – 19.56 and I am in bed, the computer light on. Took 2 AlevePM with a bit of tonic. Just left the house. There will be no call at 8pm tonight. I’m not in the mood. – It was a rather awful day. Not exactly “miserable” but quite awful, with the exception of getting into Hannaford’s! I made that trip! The wheel made its grinding noise, but not too terribly. And the car made it to and from. I have coffee… TWO jars. I have some cakes and tonic, some iced-tea mix. So that’s not bad. But getting to the point where I was able to leave here and run an errand… JUST ONE FUCKING ERRAND FOR “ME”… – I got to Jacquie’s at about 10.30 and she was on the phone. When she got off the phone, it began… do this, do that, do this… the computer… She wanted to work on a spread-sheet that I’d put together… but she knows nothing about spread sheets and me, I wasn’t really in the mood this morning. But we tried. I told her that her boss there, Shomali, was an idiot for saying he wants her to use a spread-sheet and simply expects her to know how. Oh well… Next was navigating through e-mails… OK. So he’s 71. I’m sorry about that. But she doesn’t listen when she’s being told something and her thoughts bounce all over the room! I’m thin on patience these days. – A bite to eat for “lunch”… SO much food in the fridge… I’m expected to eat salads, salads and more salads… – But THEN came THE turning point when I came back to the pit to get my work-gloves because I wanted to get to rope-off her bloody “baby hollyhocks”… I walk into the kitchen and the freak is standing at table, peeling beets!!! MORE FUCKING FROZEN BEETS! Nothing fresh… FREEZE THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING! Not that THAT put me over the edge… what put me over the edge was when, as I was leaving to get to some yard-work, HLS comes to say “Randy froze my Ambrosia corn so do you think it would be possible to bring….?” “Not today!” I replied. “I’m trying to catch up with work from yesterday while it’s not raining.” “Oh” says the fucktard, “I just feel bad because Randy already did so much work.” OK!!!!! END OF THE ROPE! “Oh yes… HE did SO much work. Yes. SO MUCH work. Well, I don’t see why the corn can’t be taken and cooked for tonight. It can’t even be frozen yet. But yes… he’s done SO MUCH work.Well, I’ll see what I can do.” and I went to the back barn, pulled out the reel mower and moved the picnic table and swing… solo… mowed the lawn and headed over to the house to stake the “baby hollyhocks”. When that was done, I went into the house and told Jacquie what I was told at the pit and she looked at me and in a rather disgusted tone said:
“HE did so much work?!? HE didn’t till. HE didn’t mark out the rows. HE didn’t plant the seeds. HE didn’t do days of weeding. HE hasn’t even bothered to come to pick anything. HE did so much work? WHAT WORK did HE do? If it wasn’t for you… if it hadn’t been for all the work YOU did, they wouldn’t have ANYTHING, never mind, the corn he froze. And HE did so much work?”
Yeah, well… it was nice to hear but it didn’t take the edge off. She was expecting Dave to come sign the lease on the house today and give her the last month’s rent and the security. It took him all day to get there to simply sign the lease. So I told her: “People are shits.” (She even rather agreed, so she too, was a bit miffed today… for good reason.) And then… THEN… came: “We” (we) need to go over to the house to take pictures. WE… Right… so I went, more to see the progress but… So WE went, and SHE took pictures and then WE got back and SHE wanted to pick corn… SHE offered to pick some for this pit and I told her that she could pick all she wanted but I wasn’t bringing it over. She didn’t pick. I’m not surprised. She picked for her, then went through the squash and…. TOLD ME THAT I HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON IT EVERY DAY. I… SHUT… THE… ACTUAL… FUCK… DOWN. – Then came the time for her to leave for work and, knowing that I wanted to get into the store for my coffee, she took her sweet fucking time, toying with Hallie and that sort of shit. She was no sooner gone, I took a pee, washed my hands, closed the door, got in the car and left… – And made it, as I say, to and from Enosburgh. – Back at the house, I ate the left-over “chicken pot pie” (more like muck, but it tasted OK and it was filling). I gave Hallie her dinner, checked FB and my e-mail and by just before 20.00… I was OUT of there! – When I got in over here at the pit, Bobo and HLS are in the parlour, Dixie was barking out their bed-room window. I came in, came up to the room, into the room (poor Dixie actually cried because I walked right past her). The freak was already in bed. (Doing SO much work must be SO exhausting.. fuck me.) I changed into the sports pants that I sleep in (that need washing!!!), had the AlevePM and am done with this day. – 20.22 and my eyes are closing… the freak is whining about something… and I don’t give a shit. I just hope I can fall asleep when the time comes. – 20.28 I’ve got more details for other days that need filling-in but….
Strange, I thought this evening in the car… how people are SO quick to ask things of me and yet, I don’t ask in return because me? I say “Sure” and they? They say “No”. Nobody has any trouble asking ME to DO but it I say “No.” they have a shit-fit. People… why is it I get tossed with this kind of people? – I’m wondering about the WiFi this evening. Oop… there it is. – 21.13 Somebody banging in the hall way. The fucking Mexishit yipping. Something banging against the door… I need this shit at this hour? FUCK.

Fri.11.Sep:
11 September … 14 years later.
8.17 And… 2 smokes. 2 coffees. 1 coffee with HLS at table! The AlevePM kicked in nicely last night and when I closed my eyes, I went right out. The phucking phone put itself on “Silent” and I woke at 6.50 on my own. Went down for the morning smoke and HLS was sitting at table, having coffee. A restless night, last. I got an invite to coffee and… I accepted. We chatted. He’s not feeling well this morning. – Me… I have that “halo” round everything to the left of my vision. Remnants of the Aleve? A heavy sleep? Glaucoma? Blindness? Old age? Who knows? It’s happened before. It passed. Hopefully it will pass again. – Today, I need to get over and get Hallie her breakfast. Not sure what to do with the rest of the day. Could/should/might put a bit of lumber over the barn door, or replace the siding on the back. I don’t know. Might weed the garden or the lily bed or both or neither. I might do nothing. I should make a wash. But if I do that, it will have to be done at the house and I don’t much like that idea too much because of the electric. I could wash there and hang dry here. Things I “could” do… it will be interesting to see what I “do”. – Need smokes or papers or something. Financially, I’ll probably go for the papers. I’ve got tobacco. I’m getting a bit fed-up with the rollies though. – I need to get a PO Box but I wonder if I’ll have to pay an addition half month at this point. Fuck… there’s always something fucked-up with all that’s already fucked-up… but, no box, no FS and I need those. – Oh… a DREAM:
I got a call to go into work at a post office, one I’d never worked in before. So I went. There was no mention of being “hired”, just the call to work. It was a small office, and a last minute “cover”. So when I got there, there was nothing to do… nothing at all. Some woman, a friend, came in for her mail. We went out-side and brought chairs. We sat, chatting, in a wonderful breeze, on a nice, sunny day, in an area that resembled “Church St.” in BTV. I looked up at one point and saw some papers in a rack on a file cabinet. In the dream, they represented more work for the next 3 days. When I saw them I said something about there being more work during the week. The friend asked if I was back on pay-roll and I said that I didn’t know BUT that I couldn’t cover the next few days because I was leaving the next morning to go to Paris (France) for holidays. And… I woke. – OK… associations for this shit… Call “back” to work… the anxieties of not working and NEEDING the money for car insurance and registration in November; maybe a “prophetic” dream indicating that I WILL get work on time; the friend was Liz… THAT makes no sense; the papers in the rack were the papers in the filing rack at Jacquie’s and that they represented more work well… they do… more work, but for Jacquie because SHE HAS to go through all the rest of the shit that she’s been simply stacking; the trip to Paris… a move to Montreal or to Plattsburgh or… “Lembrook” (at the age of 37, she realised, she’d never ride, through Paris, in a sports-car, with the warm wind in her hair”. Lucy Jordan.
So much for the DREAM.
Well… it’s 8.33 and HLS is in the parlour. Both of us hoping for a bit of sleep. I know, too well, the fatigue! The sun is coming up on an other-wise cool morning. There are things I can and should do. I also need to make a card to send to Ev for the new year. Although I do have all of next week… and the house… Jacquie will be on the road. Oh… decisions and such. But I do need to make a wash… and I really should wash me as well. But… we shall see, at end of day, what (if anything) gets accomplished here. And quite honestly… I don’t really give a shit about any of it. – And my eyes and that halo bother me. – 20.17 In bed… SHOWERED!!! The day? Not much to say, really. Got to the house by about 10.30 and Hallie got breakfast and I had a coffee and then went out to FINISH cleaning that area behind the phone co. shed and in front of the barn there. It took most of the day! After… I moved all the tomato cages from the lettuce and such and stacked them. All day… it took all day. I just don’t have the energy any more. – Spent a while on-line over there. It’s rather amazing how many let this date slip by. It’s disgusting how many seem to have forgotten. Fukkem. I still remember… vividly… 14 years ago. I’ll probably die with the memories. But… I’ll die with a lot more memories too.- I stopped at the PO here to inquire into a PO Box and realised that I could use my insurance papers for the car! I just have to “modify” the address and that’s coming this evening. Hopefully there’ll be no “hidden agenda” there. Bitches and qunts. – Hallie got dinner at about 19.00 and soon there-after I left to come back to the pit. – Meal(s) today: More cole slaw, 3 bean salad, the left-over what-ever from Kerry. 2 cookies and a piece of cake with butter. That just about covers it. – I’ve taken 2 Tylenol with some tonic just now and will soon be “lights out”. Tomorrow, all I want to do is my laundry… over at the house. Other than that… nothing. (Let’s see how that works out then. No doubt there’ll be “favours”.) – I smell dog… and it would be from Ms. Hallie… m’Dixie doesn’t smell like this! The little gem… she got a “treat” when I got in tonight… to make up for my miserable mood last night. – OK. That’s that. On with the business of the evening and then to sleep… I hope. – 20.42 Got the insurance papers… Thank goodness for technology and knowledge.

Sat.12.Sep: 8.04
POB 119 (a strange number: Jacquie’s house is 5119, and the 119 is close to “11 September” or… 9/11) I HAVE A PO BOX MAILING ADDRESS BOX…. GET THIS… 119… 9/11 REVERSED. 36$ BUT IT’S DONE… IHATE THAT IT’S IN FUKLIN (which I might use as my return) BUT I HAVE A MAILING ADDRESS…. FS… AND ALL SORTS OF THINGS WILL COME BACK!
I woke before the alarm… at about 6.45, had my coffee, got my kippot from the luggage… for tomorrow. Went down for a smoke and had a really nice chat with “Booper’s” sister (Robin) who arrived form PA last night at about 22.00 with her son (Steve). I’d go into more detail but I have to get to the house to print my “documents” and then to the PO for my box… I hope. I managed to tweak the car insurance docs with this house address. Imagine… having the ability to do so AND the ability to print it out! Something is going “right”. Gee. – It’s going to be an interesting day, trying to keep out of the way and … just out. Gee, I can’t help but wonder what kind of bullshit she’s been fed about me. I just take it for granted that it isn’t anything good. It makes me uncomfortable to be around, even if people speak with me kindly, I can’t help but wonder if they’ve been told all the miserable things that others have been told about me. I remember Bobo actually telling me how he spoke of me on his job.. to others… and others recommending that he “throw me out”. People who have never met me, know nothing about me, thinking… You know? I shouldn’t give a shit. These people offer no help. So why bother even to think about their opinions? In the long-run, opinions mean nothing. I’ve always worked… TOILED, HARD, all through my life-time. And others have rarely known… and even more rarely, appreciated anything I’ve done… simple taken it all for granted. It truly is time to simply… Fukkit. Still, I’d feel more comfortable being away from this house and out of the line of… opinion. – Oh… last night, that Mexishit kept yipping… right up to about mid-night! There are different people in the house and it’s not bad enough the little shit barks at Bob… but now his family is here and… the yipping!!! The freak was already in bed of course, and drunk. (And to think: they talk about ME. Ah… White trash… to be certain.) It had gone to bed in yet another psychotic snit. And all the while the fucking dog yipped, the freak did nothing to stop it! There truly IS something TERRIBLY WRONG with that idiot… Ah… Franklin has yet ANOTHER “Village idiot”. How charming. But I wanted to get some sleep…and I’m certain, so too did Robin and Steve after such a long drive. And yet again, the inconsideration. I’m a little surprised that Lyle didn’t flip completely out. But… one of these days will come my turn, and when it comes… – 22.58 Just in bed… showered… at Jacquie’s. Had a lovely smoke with Bob when I got in. The timing was NOT TO BE BELIEVED! I was concerned about coming into the house rather late and having the dogs bark and such, disturbing the rest of the house, but as I turned to come into the back yard, the yard-light went on! Bob was coming out for a smoke! – WHAT A FUCKING DAY! WHAT… A FUCKING DAY! FIGHTS! ARGUMENTS! ON THE VERGE OF POLICE. I was weeding along the Hanna Rd. fence when I saw Michael and Kailah toddling to the house from the garden… LOADED with vegetables! FUCK! I wanted at least 12 ears of Ambrosia corn to give toward the dinner for Bob’s family, and some carrots, if they wanted. And something in my head just snapped. Imagine… ALL THE FUCKING WORK I’VE PUT INTO THAT GARDEN ALL SUMMER AND THESE SNOT-RAGS JUST TODDLE ALONG TO PILFER… OR, AS LYLE PUT IT… PILLAGE!!!! Well! Today’s resolution: NO MORE WORK GOES INTO THAT GARDEN IF THIS IS THE WAY THE ENTITLED LITTLE BITCHES ARE GOING TO BE! I went into the house, rang Jacquie and let loose! I told her that I’m fed-up with it… fed-up with the fact that Adam and I dug the ditch to fix her green-house plumbing and SHE and THEY allowed the little shit Patrick to toss dirt and such back in so that it had to be RE-dug! WELL… of course… *I* was the one “over-reacting”! *I* was being “un-reasonable”! *SHE* got an ear-full!!! The solution? I should have a beer. FUCK YOU! Well… I went out immediately and found that what they’d taken was TWO arms-full of… AMBROSIA! There was barely anything there to harvest for the meal! But I did what I could, got what I could, got the 12 ears of corn and brought them over to the pit. The only one there was the little freak, so I went through the corn to check. ALL AMBROSIA… although a couple of ears were a little “early”. Still… I was happy that they were all the good corn. I told the freak about the incident and went back to working on the fence… Suddenly, Hallie starts barking. I look up and there’s Lyle, coming out of the garden… He was RIPPING with anger! So much so that he actually climbed the stairs to the Twats’ place. I learnt later that he’d written a note ON THEIR DOOR, IN MARKER, demanding the return of the vegetables. (As if I’d want them ‘back’.) Well… it escalated because they twats came down to the yard whilst Lyle was still there and Lyle confronted them. OH! Kailah started with “Who the fuck are you?” and it rolled along from there. Michael came down and threatened physical harm to Lyle. They showed their insolence in RAGING, FLAMING COLOURS! Kailah got on their phone to ring Jacquie and brought the phone down to the kitchen door where THEY re-commenced CUSSING AND SWEARING AT LYLE so Jacquie could hear. Michael threatened Lyle with more physical violence. I was about to ring 911. AND… when I finally spoke with Jacquie… *I* GOT THE BLAME FOR WRITING THE NOTE AND ALL!!!! *I* WAS WEEDING… BUT NOBODY WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT AND SHE WOULDN’T LISTEN. SERIOUSLY? FUCK FUCK FUCK THEM ALL!!! Lyle had DRIVEN over to the house and sat in the car for a while as I finished my WORK and when he finally left, I put the whole situation out of commission but twisting a few facts appropriate to MY cause (which was to simply get the fucking shit settled) and gave them a bit of the truth (Lyle’s not well… not taking meds… and THEY’RE the ones looking stupid for confronting and old man who is obviously ill). Did it “settle” anything? Well… for the time as far as I’m concerned. Just enough to be able to “text” Jacquie to say “Today never happened.” and that peace returned to her house. Do I give a fuck or shit about “how” and “what”? No… *I* was able to finish MY “work” on HER property and once again… somebody ELSE benefits… and *I* remain their scape-goat. Oh… just bloody fuck the lot of them all. – SO… that ended that. AND… when *I* was done with what *I* was doing… *I* took a nice HOT shower there in the house, fed Hallie and… I DID have that beer… with a double shot of vodka in it! (A Genny and vodka… it tasted rather well enough too.) – When I left the house, I took the bottle of vodka with me… to have a vodka-tonic at the pit. Fuck the rest of the world THIS night! And as I type the day’s events… there’s a vodka-tonic at bed-side. (Note: I’m filling in from notes on Monday morning but it still feels as if it had only been just last night… this bullshit!!!) – I have to mention that, at one point today, as Lyle was speaking with me in the back yard at the house, he actually broke down and cried… Apparently it’s not all just the matter of the veggies and the twats… the dogs are barking yet and that’s gotten on his nerves… WELL! I MOST CERTAINLY DON’T BLAME HIM!!!! THE OTHER TWO ARE BLOODYFUCKING INCONSIDERATE MORONS! He told me that he announced that since it wasn’t stopping, he was taking the fly-swatter to “redden some asses and ‘Chica’ is included” and the freak suddenly disappeared. THAT one NEEDS to be SHOT! Period! Later, back at the pit, as I had a smoke with Bobo, he tells me that the freak took the dog and went to the store. Oh nice… bring your shit out of the house!? Well… as the violence rolled down this evening, the freak is the one on whom the whole incident got dumped. I told that I’d mentioned being concerned about not having enough corn and posited that the freak twisted the story intentionally to upset others. So the freak is the one to take the brunt. Serves the fucktard right! BUT… this evening Bob tells me that Lyle has actually stopped taking ALL of his meds… EVERYTHING INCLUDING THE INSULIN AND COUMADIN! ALONG WITH THE BLOOD PRESSURE AND ANTI-DEPRESANTS! WELL FUCK IT ALL ANYWAY YES! THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE! – OK. So I told Bob that I worry about him being in the house alone and having to leave to go to work. He tells me that he said he’s thinking of going back to PA with his sister when she leaves. Pennyfuckinggoodfornothing got on the phone with Lyle todayand told him he needs to start taking his insulin and I told Bob that SHE needs to be put away. I told him that I’ve hear dround town that she’s not wrapped too tight. Now that’s out in the open…. OK…. – NEXT… – Finished my PopTarts… I’m so fucking hungry… I couldn’t eat when I wanted to because of the bullshit today. But there’s more v-ton and I’m off to the soc.med. and then to try for sleep…. FUCK…. – Tomorrow evening is Rosh Hashannah! Out goes the “old” year with a shit… The new one better not come IN with a shit…. fuck. –

Sun.13.Sep: 3.05 and JUST will try for sleep… and hope I don’t sleep through the alarm…. –
8.21 5 hours is not enough sleep… especially after yesterday and the drinks last night. But… here I am… some-what awake, on this rainy morning, waiting for the loo, recalling yesterday, and not looking forward to today. Not happy about the responsibility of taking care of Hallie. Wanting to simply get up and get out and get away. Away…. just away. Thankfully, with this rain, I won’t be “weeding” and working on shit. I’ll make sure that Hallie has something to eat and then… HOPEFULLY I’ll be able to simply come back to the room… and be left alone. I doubt it. But I can hope… stupid me. – 12.26 Back in the room as the sun tries to break through the clouds and blast the late-Summer heat. I’m going back to bed! Left a note at the house saying “see you tomorrow”. It’ll probably be ignored. I’m fed-up with bull-shit. – Having a bit of trouble with the WiFi… that always makes me wonder. First, no networks… now, no Franklin6. Hmmm… Always makes me wonder… the instability of.. people, in general. – 16.35 Just up from a smoke… just up from a “nap”. Really. As I typed the lat bit of this, my eyes were closing… I was tired! So I set the alarm for 14.00… and went to sleep. THEN, at 14.00, I re-set the alarm for 16.00 and just before, I woke. I had another work-related dream, this time at a job I like and was going well. Is it that work is so much on my mind? Or is it premonitory. I can only hope for the latter. – When I just went down for the smoke, the freak is in the kitchen, cleaning up after their dinner. “I didn’t know you came back. How did I miss that you came back? When did you come back? Welcome back.” In a good mood… gee. – Meanwhile, my thoughts are on going over and ripping up as many corn stalks as I can get, and storing them in the barn to dry for October. I don’t want to be here for then, but I don’t want to lose the stalks and I don’t want anybody to have any more from them. So, one of these evenings, next week, whilst Jacquie’s on the road… MINE! Into the barn they go! Fukkall. – 23.35 Hoping to get to sleep now… it’s still raining and was actually a bit cool today. – I didn’t go near the house, and no messages came but Lyle invited me to a beer with him in the parlour this evening, and as I sat with him, he showed me a text he’d sent to Jacquie telling her how devastated I was about the garden and that she needs to stop “begging” me to do anything over there and that I’m his “family” and he will not allow his “family” to be taken advantage of. Well! I DID, in fact, thank him for defending me… Truth is… THIS IS A FIRST! He put himself out to defend me. Granted, it was rather upsetting to many… including me, for a while. But truly, NOBODY has EVER gone to that length … to come to my defence. Perhaps he DOES think of me as his “family”. Of course, with my experience with “family”, I’d be the right idiot not to prepare for the grand back-stabbing. And, to be sure, I am prepared. Not comfortably… but prepared, none-the-less. Only time will tell… and time passes quickly. As Mama used to say “We’ll see.” And yes, we will. – OK…. time for lights out. I’ve got my kippa on… and will wear it again… beginning in the morning. Let’s see how it goes over. Fukkem – Goo-nite.

Mon.14.Sep: 6.37 Rosh Hashana. – I woke this rainy morning, before the 6.30 alarm, of my own. Why? I’ve no idea. I’ve had my coffee. I’ve had my smoke. I have stomach distress. I have gas. Reminders that all that I ate yesterday was 6 Little Debbie cakes and 2 PopTarts. Indeed. Once again, as I thought last night, a holiday when I should have eaten well in celebration, I had no food. Oh well… years pass and all remains the same. And I’m rather achy this morning. Older… – Kippa back on. A resolution to return to traditions. Rachel, the Nurse at Peninsula said “Put it back on and see. It’ll change your life.” Orthodox Nurses. And from there, I walked out and into a Homeless shelter. But I made it through… with dear friends. I came here, to this state, and removed it… and things “changed” again… it’s been difficult at the very least. Traditions. Who knows? We’ll see. – In a while, I’ll venture over to the house. I expect turmoil again today. I’ve no use for it. Things… will change. Indeed… they will. I anticipate tensions. I anticipate nothing in the way of serenity. I can’t care. Now I must focus on “me” and see where that goes. Focus on removing me from here… and soon… from all. Time. A new year… an opportunity to re-commence. Traditions. Time. – 19.17 State Police are here… I walked into a fracas at about 15.30. Here we go! – (On Tuesday morning 8.38, chez Jacquie) Let’s see… where was I with the quick notes here…. The times for 19.17 and 15.30 don’t seem correct because Bob didn’t get back from work until about 19.15 this evening. So I’m thinking more along the lines of… 17.17(?)… – … I got to the house this morning, round-about 9.00 to find no-one here. But Maryrose’s car was parked where it was the last time so I knew they were off and on the road in this morning’s rain. I came to the back door to check to see if Hallie was “at home” and when I came in, a “letter” waited me on the kitchen table. Beside it, tissues. – The letter read, in part:
“I’m sorry that maybe I have failed to show you how much I appreciate all you have done for me and Hallie. I would not have been able to go on this last trip as Ms. Hallie needed medical attention.
Things in Franklin are not completely OK at this time and some attention has to be paid for it.”
“Anyways [sic] this is what needs to happen before I get back @ the end of the week, he or you need to erase what is written on the door. If not I have no choice but to call the state police and file harassment charges.”
“P.S. the fence w/no weeds looks great!”
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? A blatant admission that SHE intends to perpetuate this bull-shit! Here’s the proof-positive that I’m surrounded by complete fucktards. And the statement “he or you need to erase what is written on the door”! FUCK YOU! ME? *I* neither wrote, nor caused to be written anything, any-where and *I* most certainly will NOT be “erasing” anything from any-where! *I* have more important eggs to fry, matters to deal with, things to do and places to go to (AWAY FROM HERE!) If YOU want to keep this shit festering, then by all means, have at it! But do NOT keep ME in your script. (As I told her in our “chat” this evening: *I* am out of this but if anybody chooses to pull me back into it, there will be UTTER HELL to pay.) Well… I was rather relived that the matter is out in the open… and in writing. Hallie had breakfast. Jacquie is on the road. And… should I choose, the week will continue as though the week-end passed is there… in the past. I got to play with Ms. Hallie who was delighted to see me, and I checked e-mails and such on Jacquie’s lap-top to pass the rainy morning hours. I thought, for a moment, how I could actually reside here… and the only ones who MIGHT know of my presence are the shitfuckers upstairs. Something like the character in “Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil” who lived in a mansion that was other-wise on the market for sale. Tee hee… A bit of literary “haha” in MY life. Ca ce peut tu? Anyway… the morning rolled into the after-noon. – I went back into the pit at about 15.00 or so, having been at Jacquie’s for most of the day again. Since it rained all day, and I’ve resolved to not “work” anyway, I figured I could go back to the room, at least get to making a “Rosh Hashannah” card for Ev and perhaps get one in for Jacquie… to say “thank you” and “best wishes” for this “new year”. WELL….as I walked into the back door, as I usually do, of course, the dogs barked! And… as I got into the kitchen I see Lyle, heading into the hall toward the front door, arm flailing over-head. The freak was in the kitchen doing something or another, preparing dinner, I imagine. Lyle had the fly-swatter and was having at the dogs for barking. Well, he mentioned something about all of the dogs getting “red behinds” or “asses” or the likes and said, not turning to face anybody that the Mexishit was included this time round. WELL!!!! THE FREAK BOUNCED RIGHT IN WITH “If you hit my dog I’m calling Animal Control (or Protection… one of those) and they’re ALL going!” The fucktard started the bull-shit, and bull-shit it was! Lyle stopped some-where along the way (I’m not sure where because I simply went along, after Dixie got a swat on the stairs) and replied with “You’ve NEVER done anything to reprimand her! All that sweetie-sweetie talk..” doesn’t make it (or words to that affect). He then added something about: If that’s the way it’s going to be, I want you OUT of my house. OK…. not smart enough to leave bad enough alone, the fucking freak chimes in “You have to give me 90-days’ notice. I pay rent here!”
Lyle: No I don’t. You have to leave now!
Freak: I talked with my case worker and I know….
Lyle: I want you out of my house now. And all of your shit on the porch. If YOU don’t get rid of it, I will.
Freak: If you touch anything of mine, I’ll call the police!
I just went right up the stairs to “my” room…. NOT wanting to get into all of what I’ve already been through at least 3 times in the past 2 years here. Besides… all I could think of is: The fucking freak just asked for what-ever would come along now. I got into the room and began cleaning the little desk in the corner in preparation for some “art-work”. Of course, I got side-tracked and was on the soc.med. for a bit when, at about 17.00, I see a State Police car pull up in front of the house. I watched out the window and saw that he was coming to the pit! So… I quickly grabbed keys and such and, shortly after the door-bell and dogs barking (again… of course, led by the Mexishit) I headed rather swiftly down the stairs, saw the cop standing outside the front door and headed rapidly to the back door… through the back yard, across the garden and back into Jacquie’s. MY GUTS WERE IT KNOTS, MY HEAD ON THE VERGE OF EXPLOSION, MY BODY CRAMPING…. BULL-SHIT!!! AGAIN! BULL-SHIT! THAT FUCKING FREAK! It’s not bad enough I’m still forced to deal with Saturday’s bull-shit… this fucking retard has to start and feed into MORE… and now the POLICE? This fucking state… WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!?!?!? THEY HATE PEACE… THEY THRIVE ON CREATING TURMOIL! NOT “DRAMA”… TURMOIL! ANARCHISTIC CHAOS! TEMPESTUOUS TRAGEDY! FUUUUUUCK! Well… I decided to play with Hallie so that I could pop back and forth on the drive here and keep an eye out on the pit… to see if anybody got hauled out again, this time. Next thing I know… ANOTHER police car arrives! TWO! From the distance here at the house, I just popped to the end of the drive from moment-to-moment, watching and trying to listen. Next door, the bovine-dyke (Linda) came to their porch, allegedly, as it might be, to talk with some-one… but of course, in fact and reality the intention was… to investigate. At least it could be seen that I was NOT at the house for this!!! NOT, mind anyone, that it makes any difference because these fucking vermin twist and spin facts and details to suit their need for tragedy anyway. So… that being said… I decided to stay at the house for as long as possible, to wait and see when Bob came back from work and perhaps then, venture back and face what-ever was to come. – I did stay, for some hours until I started to get a bit fatigued. I went on-line for a bit. I wanted to create something today but obviously, that was not to be since all my materials are in the room. – Ah… then, as Vermont would have it, Kailah came in from where-ever… She got out of the car and came toward me, ever so cheerie and the very first issue out of her vile hole was “So… do you suppose he (Lyle) will be coming over to apologise and wash out door?” ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? (a stupid question if ever there was one) I told her of the note/letter from Jacquie, and the threat of calling the police and filing a complaint. I told her AGAIN of Lyle’s physical impairments and illnesses. And I asked her if she truly wanted him back at their door in light of the fact that there truly is little-to-no possibility of him even leaving the house, let alone and never mind coming back here for any reason. SHE WOULDN’T LET IT GO! SHE WANTS AN APOLOGY! SHE addressed HIM with vulgarities, profanities and disrespect and SHE wants and apology! FUCKING BRAIN-DEAD IN-BREED! Well… I explained, yet AGAIN, that, if left alone, the entire affair will die on its own… BUT… IF they insist upon keeping the wound open, or, in Jacquie’s case, RIPPING it open again… the results will be their own… and I will have nothing to do with it. I pointed out that the psychologically “balanced” approach would be to simply move on… the adult, mature response would be to let it die of its own accord and get on with what-ever “life” everybody has. Well… it seemed to sink in to some-where… not deeply… but to take hold somewhere obscure. She went up-stairs to her place just as Kerry came round the corner of the house to the back yard. – Now Kerry, not being “from Fuklin” but having spent sufficient time here to become “Fuklin” (or perhaps she was drawn here as an Arab drawn to Mecca?) feigned “Jacquie came to the house for dinner on Sunday and brought all kinds of food and wanted me to bring this over to you.” (A container of pasta salad… right.) She wanted to know how “things” were going here because she knew “a bit” of what had happened. So I filled her in on a few of the details… a few, and told her my opinion of people and the state of Vermont and impressed upon her my fucking disgust with the whole damned place and my NEED to get the fuck out! And… as I did, she informed that they were returning to Ottawa this evening and that she had to go… OK. Very well… Good-bye. Save travel. And as usual, I could tell that only bits of what I’d said were being collected… and the twist-spin was already in full swing! She left… and me? Noticing that Bob STILL had not gotten back, I decided to go to the pit to get my lap-top and coffee… and I brought my tooth-brush as well. – SO… I walk into the house, the freak is in the kitchen, puttering on the cell-phone, I kissed little Dixie (who was BOUNCING with joy to see me… she’s sensitive… and it breaks my heart to know how much she KNOWS… and it can be seen in her eyes how hurt she is by all the violence around her… may Karma take control of the matter and mete what-ever will “balance” the pain of the little creature) and went up to the room to get the things I’d come for. On my way out… through the kitchen, the freak tells me “You don’t have to bring any ore vegetables from the garden. I won’t be here to freeze them. I have to leave.” I merely stopped long enough to appear to give it some thought and said “Oh. OK.” and left. There was NO sign of Lyle. The parlour was dark and silent. There was no need for me to stay, linger, be there. I came back to the house and rather “settled in” knowing already, that I’d probably HAVE to stay here the night. – Well… the evening rolled into the night, and came the NEXT “event”. I was out with Hallie round about 19.30 when I see Michael coming from the garden in the darkness. He stopped to talk… still festering with anger about SATURDAY! STILL DEMANDING, AS WELL, THAT LYLE COME WASH THE FUCKING WINDOW! So… AGAIN, I have to get into the situation… bringing up Alzheimer’s, the cessation of medications… and NOW the twat says that he’d done some research on Alzheimer’s (partial, of course, because that’s all their brains are capable of) and when I mentioned the cessation of anti-depressants, he admitted “I know what that’s like. I was on them for a while and I stopped suddenly. My ears hissed and I was in bad shape for a while!” Arse-wipe. If you KNOW, then why the fuck are you trying to perpetuate this bull-shit? Then he admits to having had a bit of a tantrum in the garden, having tossed some produce into the “Hell-yard”… and then… suddenly, apologises to ME when I said… “Oh… don’t worry about it. It gives me something to do. I’m the one who maintains the property anyway.” You know? I AM at my wits’ end… and they keep shoving farther and farther over the edge. Well.. that chat ended rather quietly… or so it seems at this point. I came back into the house… it was about 20.20 and I needed to ring Jacquie for “End of Day Report”. All day I was hungry and sick. Sick and hungry. I stuffed the pasta salad down, but that laid heavily in my gut. And still… I felt I needed to eat, but the need was surmounted by illness. I came into the house and rang Jacquie. – WELL AND AH AND SO… the fucking news of the day’s events of police had already gotten to her, piece-meal, but had already spread OUT of Fuklin and was now in E. Hartford… CONNECTICUT! BUT… matters here and matters “me” were immaterial until I had to hear “matters there” and “matters there”. Seems the “Garmin” sent them into Hartford instead of E.Hartford and to the wrong address and not to the motel. It took them another hour to find the motel and they’re in a “Black nieghbourhood”. AND… the truck wouldn’t start!!! So they had to call AAA who came and changed the battery. As we spoke, the AAA discovered that the starter on the truck had gone bad. They could call in the morning and be towed… Jacquie, of course, (Vermont) wants to be towed into W.Hartford where her morning appointment is. And I had to hold the line and listen to the entire event there as it un-folded. By the time she had a moment to hear… (But Not Listen To of course) the events of here… I was in no mood. But… I tried to covey the message as best I could. Now then…… the following:
AGAIN… SHE WANTED LYLE TO GO AND WASH THE WINDOW
AGAIN… SHE SAID THAT *I* HAD SPOKEN WITH LYLE EVEN AFTER I’D REPEATEDLY TOLD HER THAT I HAD SPOKEN WITH THE FREAK AND NOT WITH LYLE
AGAIN… THE BRUNT OF FAULT WAS ON ME… IN SPITE OF MY HAVING REPEATEDLY SAID THAT I’D LEFT THE PIT, QUITE HAPPY ABOUT HAVING SEEN THAT THE CORN I’D WANTED TO BRING WAS ALL THERE AND THAT I’D LET THE ISSUE DIE
SO… Ms. Jacquie got yet ANOTHER DOSE of FACT. I told her that I was at the end of speaking to and with people who consciously chose NOT to listen to me, that I am at the END of my tolerance of and for this state of morons and idiots, that I’ve run out of patience and that yes, at first chance, I am leaving and cutting off ALL connections with this state and the people in it. DONE! I know she didn’t hear most of what I said in spite of the fact that she politely objected to my cutting connections. She immediately went into some little diatribe about making sure that the crops are harvested before they became “cow feed”. (ME? I don’t give half a shit or fuck about the “harvest” at this juncture.) – By now it was very close to 21.00 and all I could think of was that I was NOT going to risk going into the pit and disturbing the dogs and creating MORE havoc. And then, she offered: If you have to, you can stay at the house. There’s a good bed there that you can sleep on. How charming… as if. I noted that Bob had finally come back at about 19.00. I’ve no idea what transpired over there. SHE ASKED ME HOW IT WAS OVER THERE AND I REPEATED THAT I HAD NOT BEEN THERE AND DID NOT KNOW AND DID NOT WANT TO KNOW. And we returned to her plans for tomorrow morning, calling the AAA and arranging for the tow to a garage… some-where in the vicinity of her morning appointment. And on that note… at a bit round 21.00, we ended the call. – I took Hallie out again, for a smoke, and I checked the pit. Lights all out. Darkness. I resolved to stay at the house for the night, again, so as not to disturb the dogs. I came back in, put the kettle on for a “Tension Reliever” tea, opened her lap-top and spent the next 3 hours on the fesses-book… I even checked the freak’s page to see what was posted, knowing that the shit would post SOMETHING referencing the events. Sure enough: the photo of it and that nasty little critter on its lap… “Hey does anybody know of somebody who can take my dog. I have to move out of the place where I’ve been living for 2 years and go to a shelter in St. Albans.” and reference to planning on some sort of “do” to celebrate HLS and Bobo’s 6th wedding anniversary next month and having to cancel all of it. OH! The TRAGEDY! Well, I thought, you stupid little fucktard, you’ve had TWO fucking years to train your mutt AND to clear your shit from the back porch, I’ve mentioned it MANY times, even offering to help… and you’ve done NOTHING! SO? YOU ASKED FOR WHAT YOU’RE NOW GETTING… SO GIVE IT UP… THE SOB-STORY IS BULL-SHIT, ALL TOO SIMPLY! – Whilst on the fesses-book, Iona made reference to the “Days Inn” affair where a posting made it appropriate. When I had the opportunity to do so, *I* admitted that it was ME in the reference and the fellow from Saguenay responded. WELL! THAT bit of “Truth” is now in the hands of “The Court of Public Opinion” and it will remain there! Ramifications? Again… I don’t give a shit. Let it be known. Lets’ see what becomes of it now… This fucktard state wants tragedy? Delivered… I’ve no doubt. – Round-about mid-night, I resolved to lie on the recliner here, in the parlour, and try for a nap. The intention was to get up at about 4.30 tomorrow morning, meandre over to the pit, wait for Bob to wake and go back into the pit at that hour and resume a “normal” day… Hallie on the sofa, me on the recliner, lights out in this, Jacquie’s house, fully clothed even to the work-boots, I laid down… once again, feeling like my very first night in Tilden… being… HOMELESS.

Tue.15.Sep: 8.26 AT JACQUIE’S, WHERE I SLEPT LAST NIGHT. (I have to finish yesterday’s entry this morning, but for right now… I’m sitting at table in the kitchen, the sun is rising all over the place in a perfectly clear, blue sky. I’ve got the Montreal classical station playing on the radio, Hallie is beside me, on the kitchen floor. And there is such quiet here this morning. I’m feeling quite “not well” this morning. I fell asleep on the recliner in the living-room at about mid-night, fully clothed. At one point during the night, I got up, went into the little bed-room, got the sleeping bag to cover me. The chills are coming to the night air… so too, the wet dew, as I can see this morning. September… this, if I’m not mistaken, was the beginning of … 8539266. My sinuses are clearing out something impressive. Yes, indeed, as if they’d been stuffed for days. Almost solid. There’s nothing “wrong” this morning. Not here anyway, but there’s something quite not “right”… in the air, in this town… in this place. Not “right”. I don’t want to know what transpired at the pit yesterday. I don’t want to know about any of it. If I’m not directly involved, I don’t want to know. But I fear… indeed, I fear that I AM directly involved. This is the season of 8539266… and here, now… there’s so much else that I need to be concerned, anxious, worried about… right now, I can’t handle Homelessness again. But… – There’s a very “sharp” pain in my chest this morning… left side. And in my neck, the stiffness that goes into the teeth and up into the eye. I wonder… I wonder why I can’t simply go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve worked well and hard through my life-time to deserve that much peace and simplicity. But… as is my existence… I know.. there is MUCH SUFFERING to come… I just don’t know WHEN… I just don’t know HOW… and it doesn’t frighten me… it annoys. I deserve a PEACEFUL departure from this bull-shit. Just to lie down, close my eyes and be gone. – Well… it’s another day… the 2nd day of Rosh Hashannah. I’d like,, very much to get a card or two painted or drawn or something. But to do so would require going into the pit… and… well… most certainly NOT at THIS hour… Honestly… people… no matter what… are shit. – That said… whilst seated at table… let me get back to yesterday whilst I may… sadly, I can’t transfer this to the on-line journal… not from here. I’d asked for the internet password several times… but… as it is and was and forever shall be… nobody “listens”. FUCK! – Nice beginning to the day… Eh?) – WELL WELL WELL!!! 11.07 already!!! And I’m JUST complete with yesterday’s saga. It’s rather chilly in this house, but the sun is shining out-side and it’s warm out there. I’ve had the classical station on this morning, have had a tap-hot coffee as I typed at table. My hands are cold. I’m starting to feel a little “run-down” after a little while of recovery from last night. I’m a little hungry. There’s probably something I could whip together to eat but my insides are SO ill-at-ease. All of this bull-shit is being internalised, as usual. This is why people are under the impression that I’m so fucking “stoic”. – Well anyway… at least yesterday I managed to re-apply for FS and now I just wait for the notice of telephone interview (may it happen before the week is done!) I’ve confirmed that I am “Not Selected” for the Plattsburgh office. Better than “Disqualified”. And now…? Now…? I’m off to check e-mails and such… on Jacquie’s lap-top. I’ve been on mine all morning. How charming. I have to get back to the pit at some point but I’ve resolved NOT to go in there before noon. Why? Because I’d rather not go back in there at all but… I really must at some point…. to get things, do things… make an appearance… face the bull-shit. Oh well and alas. – My neck is back to being painful and coughing is a bit of an assault. Happy holiday… to me. FUCK. – 16.04 FINALLY caught-up with all this journalling and just realised that it’s mid-month and I’ve posted nothing on-line! I must get to that this evening! Indeed. – Meanwhile… I dropped over to the pit at about 13.00 to find it quiet, the freak in the kitchen and in a “normal” mood. “Are you back from church?” The kippa. I told him why it’s back on and that rolled over. I went up to the room to get my VitC. and my deodorant (in case I need to shower at the house tonight… which I might have to do if I’m to shower at all… and I might just should after sleeping on the chair last night and the fact that it’s gone hot today and I’m in a t-shirt and sweater. – When I came back down, we chatted in the back yard and I got the hoo-hah on the b.s. of the police:
**** POLICE: Well…. so it would seem that yesterday, indeed, the police were called… but by BOTH of them!!! HLS rang from one phone whilst the freak rang from the other. Apparently, the “yelling” escalated into physical “slapping and kicking” and that’s when the freak rang the police. WELL!!!! It did NOT bode well for either of them. Lyle demanded that Randy leave. The police said that Randy can’t simply be thrown out with-out notice. But Randy’s made arrangements to go to the shelter in St. Albans. Even Bob said that he should leave. (Honestly… as Jacquie said, we’re not dealing with more than a double-digit IQ here because as of today, now, he’s STILL not done anything about clearing the back porch! Oh well… if ever I get the opportunity… and I will, no doubt, Id have to say that he’s had TWO years and done nothing so he’s getting what he deserves… even though something inside me, in spite of my dislike for the idiot, I cannot abide witnessing anyone being made “Homeless”. My bad… as they say.) The police asked the freak if he wanted to press charges and he declined. But I’m to understand that because of this now, if there’s another call made to the police about Lyle, Lyle will be forcibly removed from the premises. Well… if that’s the truth… GOOD!!! AND… I’m to understand that Lyle had been chatting with Pennyfuckingidiotbitch just prior to the blow-up. WELL! CA CE PEUT TU? WONDER OF WONDERS! I reiterated to the freak that SHE needs to be cut off from communications with him… that the whole town knows she’s not wrapped tightly and never has been and that all she does is instigate shit. He mentioned that, should Lyle die, Bob gets the house… I said, he could then sell and Pennyarsehole could get half or so. The freak said that if the Mass-hole dies, even HER shit defaults to Bob… so Bob stands to make out ever so well in the case of demise. OK! We’re on to that point of the tragedy now! Well, I told the freak not to be too hasty about the move, because I’m viewing this as definite Alzheimer’s and that I’m rather shocked that Bob isn’t being more pro-active in getting Lyle the help he needs. They’ve apparently posted the dogs up for adoption. WHAT A FUCKING COUPLE OF NASTY SHITS THESE PEOPLE ARE!!!! THEY WON’T TRAIN THE DOGS… THEY’D RATHER JUST GET RID OF THEM. NO SENSE OF ANY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING… INCLUDING PEOPLE! REPULSIVE BUNCH! Well… they’re like that with everything: disposable… animals, people, things… except shit. They’ll keep shit. Honestly, I’m at the point where I do believe that the combined IQ of the 3 of them is barely double-digit. But… I’m trapped at the moment… I just need to focus on what it is that I need to get the fuck out… SOON! Apparently, how-ever, I am not (yet) on the “GET OUT” list. But there IS rather some resentment about the time I’m spending over at Jacquie’s. Apparently MY “responsibilities” are with THEIR dogs and THEIR house. It was mentioned that I don’t pay rent. Ah… but THAT might come as a smack in the head when the TOWN gets dragged into the fracas (which I’m prepared to do) and the truth comes to the surface. Indeed. But that’s another story. Meanwhile, I reiterated to the freak: (a) legally, one can’t simply toss people out of the house and (b) with the warning received by the police, Lyle is now on record. Jacquie is threatening to phone the police… the brats who rent from her are threatening, and… OH! Allegedly, Lyle went into the store and told them that he was going to take their little “Minimum Credit/Debit Card Purchase” note and write something or another across that! SO! Even the store is now in on it. Break-down: Lyle is teetering on the verge of a very steep cliff of being hauled out of the house and put away… NOT the nicest place to be. UNfortunately, he’s incapable of comprehending the severity of the situation because his brain is fried and giving way to … nothing. Oh well… C’est la vie say the old folks… me included.
OK… well… 16.39 and the day is drawing to a close. I told the freak that I’d left Jacquie’s last night at about 21.00 and when I came round the corner and noticed all the lights out, turned round and went to sleep in the car last night (in case they’d noticed I hadn’t come in… which he did… and I don’t want them thinking that I can simply move over here). I wonder if that news will get around, and if it does, what the reaction/response will be. I don’t much care, really… but it’s been said. Let’s see where it goes, how long it takes to get there and… etc. – For now, I’m having a bowl of oat-meal in milk and sugar (cold) with my left-over coffee. I should eat something but I really don’t have the stomach right now with all this aggravation. I’ll feed Ms. Hallie early this evening and get back to the house so I can get into bed tonight. Other-wise… it’s been a wasted day… this second day of Rosh Hashannah. – Oh, I went to the library to get a copy of the “Renters’ Guide”. They didn’t have one but “Linda” looked it up on-line and printed a copy that I’ve “borrowed”. I can’t give this to the freak… but… I told him to get a copy, PDF, on-line. Let’s see where that recommendation goes (down the flusher, no doubt.) – Battery running low… time to turn off an plug in here. – 22.26 IN BED!!!! at the pit. I rang Jacquie at about 19.00 ad we chatted mostly about her bullshit for about 45 minutes. She’s still defending the brats who rent. I don’t want to be bothered even discussing it with her. At about 19.50 I closed the house and headed for here and… the back light was on! YAY ME! When I arrived, B. was having his smoke. Dixie was ALL thrilled to see me… the sweet-heart. How I ache thinking about her stuck in this place where she OBVIOUSLY is NOT happy at all! Well, as for yesterday, I’m to understand that the police were here twice, and the reason B. came in at about 19.00 was because he came and found L. on the Square Rd. and brought him into visit their Eric in Enosburgh for a bit. AND… whilst they were gone, L. rang the police and some-how the police came BACK to the house to talk with the freak. I’m supposing that’s when they asked the freak if he wanted to press charges and told him that one more call to this house and L. will be removed. Oh well… this is what I get from B. until L. showed… all happy to see me. Apparently I’m still on the “Good” list. No matter, I trust NOT ONE spore of anything in this town… NOT ONE! B. tells me that L. is back to taking insulin but before returning to any of the other meds, L. needs to go to an MD for re-eval. (Any excuse at this point… I don’t trust B’s intentions at all.) Oh well… what-the-fuck-ever. Really. So B. goes to bed and L. and I sit at table to chat as usual. L. tells me that he’s truly had it with the freak. I told L. that I’ve been civil but that all the animosity amongst me and them has been started by the freak and I just let it ride and go to keep peace. L. is set… the freak has until the 14th Oct. to be out and if not, he’s going to toss him and his shit out the door. Period. What-ever. But he agreed that the majority of the troubles in the house have been because of the freak. Apparently Pennyfuckinguseless rang the house yesterday and the freak answered the phone and the qunt lit into him telling him that she doesn’t like tattle-telling little snitches and not to whine to her about his troubles. (Meanwhile, I’m to hear that she sent them the money for the taxes on the house and B.’s already spent it. They, B&L, allegedly put the pellets on their credit card and the qunt was supposed to pay, so they asked her for the tax money instead and she sent it… but B. spent it already. True? Lies? There’s no telling any more in this house… and I just let the talk go.) But, as I say, L. is at the end of all the shit from the freak. L. is also under the impression that they’re going to find Ellie another home and for Dixie, they want somebody to take her just until the freak leaves with it’s little pain in the arse. Then, when all calms, Dixie will come back. I’d LOVE to find a place where I can go… and take her with me. She’s truly attached and I’m honoured. Now… if there are “Powers That Be” and there’s any benevolence… I’ll be employed, find a place and will be able to get the car in order and boogie on out… with m’Dixie. No, I never wanted another “pet”, but she’s really not a “pet”… she’s brilliant, and I don’t want her suffering any more. – Well though, for now… I’m in the bed… I needed a shower after sleeping in clothes last night but there’s no way I’m going for THAT after not being here yesterday and last night and all day today. I can take one tomorrow… and if need be, make a wash over at the house. I’ve got the place for the next 3 days anyway. Oh… and when B. asked me what time I got in last night I told him that I’d slept in the car because I was worried about making the dogs bark if I’d come in at 21.00. (I told L. the same thing… and I’d already told the freak. So, I’m wondering how that will be taken and if approached I’ll simply tell the truth: It’s not the dogs… it’s the one that would start the shit. Hopefully I can get them to change their hearts about putting Dixie out… even if it is only temporary. I don’t want to see her disturbed. Neither, apparently, does L. But, as I say, in this house… NOBODY is to be trusted. What a fucking psych-bin! – For tonight… I’ll try to get this on-line and get some sleep. I don’t want to be hanging round here tomorrow and L. told me that he’ll probably be in their bed-room during the day and that I should stop in to see him. This is all getting to be sick. GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE!

A thought I had this morning as I had a smoke out-side. Pretty much sums it up.
VERMONT:
You are a judgmental people, opinionated followers. Pre-judging others based on hear-say founded on little-to-no actual facts. Perhaps hearing but never listening, you judge others, strangers, “Flatlanders” on some pre-conceived notions, formulated in your own mind, based upon and formulated from some phantasie in your own twisted mind. Incapable of independent and free thought, following like mindless ducklings, you tend toward “hate”… not merely “dislike” but “hate”, immediately. One creates a phantasie, fact and fiction twisted and spun into the ultimate negativity, and drivels on to another. The other, believes what is said, taking words, sounds and phrases from what is being said originally, and formulates yet a new version of the original lie, and that new lie is then transmitted to the next person who, in turn, repeats the process of twisting and spinning and again… passing on and on and on… Each new “hearer” repeating the twist and spin until, not only do neighbours give birth to and nurture their own hate, the lies are spread into the next village, town, and through the county, on ever out-ward. A person, new to the surroundings, is un-aware of the damage, the turmoil, the horrific tragedies that are spun round him or her like a web, a cocoon, a suffocating, devastating cocoon of devastation. And, traveling about the entire state, the “reputation” precedes, and immediately upon arrival at any given other place in the state, s/he is immediately met with the very hate that was born from the place of origin. And all the while, NO ONE has the mental capacity to break free from the rumours, the lies… because EVERY ONE craves, literally CRAVES negativity, tragedy, turmoil and chaos. There can be no “Peace”. There MUST be horrors, fighting, battles, terror, turmoil, tragedy… at ALL times here. EVERY-WHERE! ALWAYS! Where there is none, it MUST be created… and, since a “new-comer” is naively un-ware, THAT person is prime target. The horrors can be formulated and contrived round him/her and s/he will never know… unless, of course, s/he stays long enough, and pays enough attention, learns of the dangers surrounding, at all times, from all sides, top and bottom… the cocoon. No “free thought”. Not even the organic capacity for “free thought”. This state is hateful, from deeper than the core… This state is hateful… from the essence of being. Pre-judgemental, seldom actually listening, and certainly never actually “hearing” but continually twisting, spinning, conniving, creating trouble, tension, turmoil at each and every passing moment, devastating, destructive horrific. Nasty, repulsive, sickening, vulgar, blind, mindless, both stupid and ignorant. (9.45)
VERMONT
When Liz said “You should have been born here… it’s a state full of people just like you.” she was INSULTING me! Again…

Wed.16.Sep: 8.30 Woke at about 4.45 this morning with leg cramps. Pee’ed and went back to sleep. Slept through the alarm at 7.30 and finally got up, had coffee and smoke and a dump at about 7.45. Last night, I slept in the “familiar” bed. For all the good it did. And this morning, there are things I’d like to get done, like a card or letter to Ev… there are things I have to do, like feed Hallie, and now, there are things I really should get done, like yard-work at the pit. I want to do… NONE of them! I WANT to get the fuck out of here and out of this state, AWAY from this state. I can’t help but think of that freak across the hall here… 2 fucking years and 4 “evictions”, essentially, and the back porch is STILL a fucking mess… the fucking yip-thingie continues to yip… and nothing gets done to change anything. Seriously, Jacquie keeps referring to “IQ” and the fact that she’ work in a “Community House” with people who’s highest IQ is 70…. The freak can’t be much higher than that! Nobody can be THAT stupid… even to be on a “30-day Notice” and STILL do NOTHING to change the situation. Not even an attempt. I’ve told him, B’s told him… L’s told him… NOTHING gets done… NOTHING changes… NOTHING improves. Well… there’s NOTHING that can be done for people who do NOTHING for themselves. ME? I’ve got to do ALL that I MUST… not necessarily CAN… but MUST… for only as long as I must… Ad IMUST figure an escape. And THAT is what is causing me more anxiety, sickness, fatigue, than much else. – I’d really like to get to the banque, put the money into the account, get a couple packs of Belvedere, but the bearing… or wheel… or what-ever is wrong… – And this morning, trying to figure what to wear today. I haven’t showered in a couple of days… the work clothes are rather filthy. I should wash the jeans and such, having slept in them. And my brain just won’t focus on what I need to do. Well… at this point, 9.00 and I’ll get breakfast for Hallie and then figure it all from there. I wish I had the WiFi access at Jacquie’s but there again…. I told her to get her password for access and she didn’t. People do NOT LISTEN… and, fukkall… most of the time I doubt they even hear. – I’m hungry too.. and there’s really nothing to eat, save vegetables… and I’m rather not well from eating all those vegetables all along AND… I have NO interest in going into the garden any longer… Let “them” (whom-so-ever) deal with that and see how far “they” get with it. – Ah… another day of being… of “being”. I should like to NOT “be”. – 24.06 It’s going to be another one of those nights. But… I’ll try to get a bit of the day jotted. It began quite un-eventful but turned quite interesting and now I’m in tears over a Greek video from the fesses-book. – And so, just back up from the last smoke, the house is dark and silent so… – This morning, I was out the door and over to the house by about 10.00 or so, with my lap-top and a full tote, including a change of clothes. Ms. Hallie had her breakfast and I lolled about for quite the while, on-line and trying to decide what, if anything, I would do with this day. – Well… the fellow in London, on the JKfesses-book gave delightful compliments. (And this evening, I looked at some of his videos posted and he’s quite the character, with quite the little dog. A delight to correspond with, i should think. He “love” my “wit and intelligence”. And I appreciate his. Thank you Simon and your little Archie.) – It was round about noon when I decided to get up off my arse and have at the rest of the old fence at Jacquie’s, especially considering her appreciation for the work done on the first part of the fence. Well, I never intended, but I got almost ALL done… weeded. HER property is now looking quite cleaned, and I’m rather proud of my work there. – Took a break and had the stuffed peppers from the fridge before they went sour. Not bad… and FOOD! – Speaking of which, tomorrow (today actually) I have the “phone interview” for FS again. THAT will be quite the relief! – At about 16.00 I was done with the work, sweating like a pig because it’s gone back to the hot days and is expected to last through the week. Oh well… just a day ago I was in a sweater and sweat-shirt. The “North Country”, indeed. So I resolved to shower there, put on the change of clothes which need washing but I didn’t get to do that there. (Oddly, I can never find laundry soap. I wonder… and there were towels and my flannel in the washer today… smelling rather dank at this point. I’ll have to “borrow” some detergent and get clothes cleaned this week!!!) So, I showered, washed the dishes, put things in order. – At 18.00, Ms. Hallie had dinner and we went out to play. And did she ever! She’s got a large stick and I tossed it several times and she fetched and played. It was a delight! – At round about 19.00 I headed back to the pit, determined to take m’Dixie out for a WALK! When I got here, only the freak was in. So I got m’Dixie on the leash and off we went for a walk round town… the block… same thing. She was really rather good on the leash this evening and I actually enjoyed it! – When we got back to the house, B&L were just returning from where-ever they’d been and things turned “interesting”. L. went into the house and B. asked if I’d make another walk round the block. As we walked, he talked. – He’d gotten a text from the freak, mentioning the “meeting” I’d spoken of yesterday… I was hoping to have one with the 3 of us (sans HLS) to discuss L’s health. But the way it got twisted round, the freak turned it into something “mysterious” and mentioned ME… a meeting w/o L. “if Jude still wants to”. Almost cryptic and so, it roused B’s suspicions. Indeed, I told him that my major concern was that L. would take a seizure and I wondered what he (B) was doing about the medical situation. WELL! It seems L. had bloods drawn today and will be going back to his regular MD for re-eval on his meds! GREAT NEWS! THEN… as the walk was coming to an end, it got even DEEPER! The freak told me that the police told him that if there was another call to the house, they, the police, would remove L. by force if necessary. Well… THAT was never mentioned to B. The report that the freak had made against L. claimed that the dogs were yipping when he’d hit them with the swatter. I had to say that I heard no such thing and in fact, found it rather amusing to see L. flailing the swatter. I told that I heard some harsh words and tones between the 2 of them and decided to make myself rather scarce. SAVED! But as it turns out, B. truly doesn’t want the freak in the house any longer, says he’s fed up with the instigating, admits that the freak is the major cause of the troubles over the past years here and that indeed, he’s got a “legal” 30-day notice… that has been registered with the police now. He (B) says that the freak wants to make good and stay. But B&L BOTH want him gone. B is fed up with the bullshit. BUT… there was no mention of making ME leave. I wonder now… the freak has told me several times that L. has made nasty remarks about me being here and not paying rent. I wonder… B. never mentioned anything of the sort. But I did get to mention to B that I’ve not trusted the freak since the 1st blow-up about the weed and cigarette/pipe smoking and B. agreed. – WELL… I also told B. of Jacquie’s threat and assured B. that, should it come to that, I will be telling Jacquie that, in a court of law, I will defend L. with regard to the events of Saturday. I have an ethical obligation to state the truth and the facts which are that those brats of hers started the fight and were immediately disrespectful and threatening bodily harm. – We came into the house to find L. on the back porch, and apparently in a bit of a snit about something… as per usual. The freak was already in bed… ca ce peut tu? All that shit on the back porch and the moron goes to bed. Oh well… he’s getting what he’s asked for. – So, I came to the room, got ready for bed… It was then only about 20.30. I sent a “text” to Jacquie with a brief about the day and the house and Ms. Hallie and got onto the soc.med. intending to be asleep by not later than 23.00. (Once again… I fucked that because it’s now 0.52 already and I’ll be a fucked mess in about 7 hours… which is the latest I want to be awake in the morning!) – That said… I’m wrapping this day up and hoping for a restful sleep and a good awakening later because I want to clean up this back yard a bit!!! Not only because of my personal situation here but because it’s bothering me in general. – So there we have it. The day in a wrap. Speaking of which… I’m BLOODY HUNGRY NOW!

Thu.17.Sep: 10.46 at Jacquie’s where I’ve provided Ms. Hallie with breakfast at 9.00, washed (for all the good it did) the work clothes, passed the time on fesses-book with Simon, for the most part, AND… RE-CERT for FS! And was it ever quick and easy AND i got leads for work with the State! WOOHOO! Right now, at this moment I’m cooking the old crook-necks for the chickens and shortly will provide THEM with breakfast as well. There’s a little bit of weeding to be done here at the house, but today, I’ve resolved to cleaning behind the pit. Yes, I rather want to look at it cleaner but more importantly, I almost rather MUST do SOME work round that place before I have to hear the bleating of the bitches. Quite honestly. I’m tire this morning. I wanted SO much to sleep a touch longer than the 8.30 hour. I managed to sleep through the night, last. But it wasn’t enough and obviously not restful. But… there are things to do that must be done and I’m awake now… still, mind you, waiting for the BM of the day. But… the sun is shining and the world is drying from last night’s dew and indeed, I shall be off and running… running… running… until I run myself into a grave… may it be soon. – But for now, the house is quiet and I’ve accomplished the re-establishment of food (I should think). One thing at a time. One “tile” at a time. – When I left the pit this morning, round about 9.00, I’d hoped to “borrow” some laundry soap but HLS was up, and in the parlour. Good sign to see him out of the room, but of ALL the mornings… so my “wash” got done with a touch of laundry soap, a bit of Lysol cleaner, Formula 409 and a drop or so of dish detergent… and even with the Borax… the clothes aren’t clean. Honestly… this washer over here is a right piece of shit. But… we do the best with what we have… and at the price… I don’t suppose it can be beat. I’m thankful that I have what I have… it most certainly could be (and probably will get) worse. Still, I’m sick of making do. But not un-grateful for what I have. – 21.38 In the bed… showered at Jacquie’s. Came over at about 20.15 or so. Sat on the back porch with B&L chatting about the work done today and B’s plans. (And I MUST add: When B. didn’t come back after work right away, I KNEW he’d picked up the freak in St-Albans… and sure enough! I wonder… often… HOW I know the things I do.) But it seems that I’m still in the house here… and of course, I have to say that if B. is planning all this construction, he’s going to NEED some help and since I’m the bloody work-horse… Oh well… –
Notes:
Started a bit later than I’d wanted. But the morning was washing the work clothes and then…..
Over to the pit to stack the lumber… in the HEAT and HUMDITY which, admittedly got to me today.
The freak came out and had the fucking nerve to say “I’d help but I have to go to the doctor and I don’t want to get all messy.” Fukkoff!!!!
Got that done and went for the little area off the porch by the “Wood-shed” and what a fucking mess THAT was with all the rotted wood.
HLS came out, put on some work gloves (teehee) and started to try to help
ACTUALLY GOT ME A LARGE CUP OF ICE WATER TODAY! FUKKALL I’M SHOCKED!
I got TWO trollies of rotted wood out to the “compost” and the 3rd trolly had the Bleeding Hearts with.
THEN… as we sat in the back, Curtis came to mow
Dixie was rather cute, jumping up onto the mower and ready to ROLL!
HLS actually HELPED ME MOVE THE PICNIC TABLE after I said “I’m going to disturb you…” and explained about the mowing
As Curtis mowed I went back to the house for tomato sandwich for daily meal. 2 tomatoes.
Did some time on the fesses-book whilst waiting for the “clean clothes” jeans to wash and dry.
Played with Hallie a bit after her dinner
Showered
Rang Jacquie… tomorrow she’ll be in Lake George (MY state) and will be back at the house on Saturday.
I have tomorrow for a shower again!!!! YAY
It was a day…. Nice to be away from the pit.
I almost dread Jacquie’s return.
Oh… they (B&L) are getting rid of their “Dish” TV and going for something on the internet because of the freak leaving.
HLS told me today that he rang the freak’s nephew and said “He’s out by the 14th. And any of his shit that’s here will be ours and we’ll dispose of it as we see fit.”
AND… the freak had B. phone and say: If he buys cubs, did L. want one. and L. said NO! Because he’s trying to make nice in the hopes of staying and neither of them can take the bullshit any more! True. SAD. But true.
Now… 21.48, a bit of browsing and then to hopefully sleep through the night. I’M HUNGRY!!!!! (But FS will be returning… soon. YAY!)
21.55 FUCK! Just checked the CIBC account and they’re still charging me a fee! I’m down to 34 cents! I MUST get up there!!!! Good thing I haven’t spent the 50 from Jacquie!!! Maybe I’ll try tomorrow… I can only HOPE!
23.29 Want a smoke. Won’t go. Want something to eat. Nothing here. Going to hope for sleep now.

Fri.18.Sep: 7.55 WHY am I awake this morning? My chest is heavy. My stomach is sour. My body feels horribly weak. My head is like an anvil resting on my soul. And my eyes just do not want to see the light of day. – The sun is shining. I slept through the night (and the 6.30 alarm). And I do NOT want to be where I am. There’s no prospect to this day, save the “work” that need be done round the pit. A heavy, wooden shelf to be moved from back porch to barn. A bit of lawn to mow. A bit of garden to be cleared. And that’s here, at this house. Next door, there is fence to be cleared, by hand, of weeds, a dog to be fed and entertained. And I’ve got a body that’s running-down… too slowly. As I stood out back just now, I looked at the joy of suddenly vomiting blood and dropping to the ground. The prospect of a new day.
A “Ponderance”: How much does it cost to provide a bed in this place? I don’t eat their food. I use just the electric to run a 60-watt light bulb and charge a lap-top. Water is paid at flat-rate, semi-annually, and not on a “per use” basis. Hot water? I’ve not showered here but, perhaps … well, this month, not at all. If I were to shower here, I do so only when I work on the property, and at that, perhaps thrice weekly… using minimal hot water. Privacy? I’m out before the house is awake, and return mere hours before time to sleep. Laundry? Twice monthly; electric and a bit of hot water. How much does it cost to provide shelter in this place? A few dollars… per year, I would imagine. Almost negligible.
How much benefit is received from my presence in this place? The property is managed and maintained. This Summer, vegetables (food) has been received. Barns have been reclaimed. Flower-beds and gardens have been created and maintained. And not only here, but, for perhaps 30-cents/hour, (30 hours/week at 25 dollars per week), next door as well.
How much does it cost to provide shelter to a person? How sick is this situation?
Thoughts… first thing in a morning.
Another day… I really need to get to the banque to save the account. I don’t know that the car will make the trip without damage. I doubt I can manage the trip on the bike these days. But… I have 2 weeks to get there, and I’ll have to see what I can muster… WHY? (again). I’m getting MUCH older these days. It won’t make any difference at all.. soon… I hope. – And another thought this morning: The freak yelled at me “We’d be better off if you went back to New York and back to the Homeless shelter!” and look what has turned… It’s got until the 14th of next month now, has managed to incur the hate and wrath of those it thought “friends”. Perhaps I should focus on the fact that, for a change, it is not ME (as yet), and that having said and felt such a thing has brought Karma round? “We’d be better off if you went back to New York and back to the Homeless shelter!” – Another morning… another miserable moment of “being”.- (On Saturday… 11.55) Let me see… how to recount and record… The day went along as well as could be expected, considering the location of events. I managed to get out of the pit by round about 10.30 or so and over to visit with Ms. Hallie until almost noon-ish. I was SO hungry and not really in the mood for much cooking… nor for more vegetables, so… I found an old baguette in the fridge, beat 2 eggs with some milk and put the bread in to soak for a while… and then headed back to the pit to do some “work”. – AH HAH! I GOT THAT SHELVING OFF THE BACK PORCH… The freak came out as I was working, to offer assistance but I didn’t DARE accept. It’s a ploy to endear and that’s not going to happen. The time for “endearment” has passed. Besides… my thoughts are: if you want to “endear”, get your shit off the porch! But… none of my concern. I simply said “Thank you. But I’m really not sure what I’m doing here, m’self.” and I then proceeded to tilt and tip that heavy bit of shit over and off the porch… ALONE! Managed to get it to the yard and onto a hand truck and… INTO THE BARN! YAY! (What I DIDN’T do was sweep the area where it was… and even as I type this on Saturday… I don’t believe the sweeping ever got done. Oh well….) – Well then… there was no further sign of the freak for most of the day and me? I went to work on the flower-beds in the back yard. At one point, as I raked and cleaned under the pine, HLS came out… a good thing there, to get out and into the fresh air and sun-shine, although I could have done with-out. Still… I was offered yet another mug of ice-water! Indeed, I see this clearly: I’m the new “Bestie”… tides are turning and I’m to be “be-friended” in the absence of the little “Jester”. NOT! Especially and particularly since I see where this shit is going, and I’ll not be rowing up THAT creek… with THIS crew… in THAT vessel! Oh… there was chitting and chatting and the likes, and I managed to get a break in to sit… AFTER moving the swing and table… WITH HELP TODAY!!!!! CA CE PEUT TU? Oh… but we’re trying to “endear”… HLS actually HELPED me move the picnic table! I mowed, we put swing and table back and sat a bit. I then went on to roll and wrap the old carpeting (with supervision). – I made mention, as we chatted about “current events” in the house, the incident of earlier this season, when the freak yelled at me in ear-shot distance of Lola and Jacquie, that I “don’t do anything to support the house-hold” and that they’d “be better off if” I “went back to NYC and back to the Homeless Shelter”. WELL!!!!! Almost IMMEDIATELY HLS got on the phone to report to B.! “It happened at the beginning of the Summer and he never said anything to anybody until just now.” says L. to B. It appears that THAT was quite the “wrap” on the “eviction”. And I was thanked for the work I’ve done and disgust for the incident was expressed and I continued on with cleaning the back yard… IN THE FUCKING HEAT AND HUMIDITY!!!! AND… IT WAS TERRIBLE TODAY! BUT… I continued until the place looked nice and neat and tidy again. And… it did/does. – I was also invited to join B&L on a little trip into St-Albans, to Taco Bell, for a bite of dinner. I, of course, declined. First of all… I’ve no money for such things (I’ve got the 50 but that TRULY NEEDS to go into the account!). Secondly, I was miserably hot, sweaty and rather fatigued. And… thirdly… no thank you anyway. – Round about 16.00 or so, I went back to the house… put the egg-soaked bread into a pan with olive oil and butter and cooked it… had it with maple syrup, something like “French toast” and it was, I must say, enjoyable. But that was to be about ALL I’d have to eat all day today. Oh well…. – It was round about 18 or 19.00 when Hallie started barking… I stepped out the door to hear all sorts of voices in the pit back-yard. I walked quietly over to the phone co. fence to see a dark-haired (I believe) child swinging rather wildly on the swing! There was screaming and laughter AND the poor dogs were in the house, yowling and barking! I strolled to the end of the drive to see how many cars were parked out front… one…. and it was NOT the one I’d expected to see. (I need to lie down here for a bit… I’m running out of energy even to type… the house is quiet… may it remain so for at least the next hour or so.) – (14.59 on Saturday) A silver, Kia, SUV… hmmmm… I had a feeling there was something wrong with this. The freak had started boozing at about 15.00 this afternoon and here, some kid who sounded like something out of a sci-fi flick running about the place… dogs howling in the house… I resolved to NOT get involved with this shit. So I went back into Jacquie’s and passed some time on-line. Then… I showered. But whilst I showered I thought: Perhaps it might be some kind of “plot” to wait for B&L to return and raise some kind of shit. So… I logged-on to the “gaston” number (646 area I believe) and rang Bs mobile. Well… yes… it was the freak’s family. They were there to help remove some stuff from the house. And B&L decided they didn’t want to be there, to listen to the “bullshit”. OK! Well… if that was the case, then I would simply sit tight at Jacquie’s for the night… at least until B&L returned to their house, so that, what-ever happened… *I* wouldn’t be implicated!!!!! I settled-in with Ms. Hallie and resigned to the fact that I’d be “sleeping” on the recliner… once again… tonight. I didn’t have to worry too much about my own belongings being destroyed since I had the lap-top and iPod with me. Other than that, there really wasn’t (isn’t) too much else other than clothes, in the room. So I was OK…. or as “OK” as could be, considering. – At about 20.00, I rang Jacquie. She and Maryrose were in Lake George… and… sadly, the Motel Montreal is a dump! Well… the North Star in Shelburne and the Montreal in Lake George… great names… for shit-boxes. Well… she, Jacquie, made quite the conversation about never staying there again, the Econolodge across the road having a pool, and such things. She asked about “the corn situation” and was the Silver Queen coming in. I told her the corn situation was fine and let it go at that. I briefly mentioned a bit of tension at the pit… she dodged that one so I just let her ride along with what-ever she wanted to think…. Sometimes it’s the best course of action to take with idiots and the generally selfish. I’m just so fed-right-the-fuck-up with this entire area, state, situation… Fukkemall. Really. The chat lasted about half and hour and I began to settle in for the night. – I found a bottle of ginger ale, and the only thing that I dared mix with was the gin… Tangueray, of course, but still…. gin. ICK! I didn’t want a beer… vodka would have been nicer but there isn’t much of that in the bottle at this point. So… Gin and ginger it was… didn’t taste too bad either. I’d had one rather “large” and was on the second and by then it was about 22.30, I was on the fesses-book when… Hallie started barking. I looked round the corner from the dining room and there, in the back kitchen door… B. They’d come back, noticed my light wasn’t on and came looking for me. We chatted for a bit, sitting at the kitchen table at Jacquie’s. Imagine… neither B. nor L. wanted to come back to the house! The freak’s family had left at about 20.00 or so, the front porch light and the kitchen light were on… but THEY didn’t want to be in THEIR house! So… L. and I chatted a bit longer whilst B. went to the house. When he returned he reported that the freak was there, the place was fine but they still didn’t want to go back. So I said that I just didn’t want to be in there… alone… with them. And neither B nor L blamed me. I said that I’d go back since they were now in and they left. – Me? I decided to stay the night with Hallie… just in case of some or any confrontation. I want NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING to do with ANY of this shit! Truly. – Well… it was lights out by about 23.30… and the horrid night began. I grabbed the sleeping bag (again), got myself onto the recliner and tried to get comfortable but the more I tried, the less comfortable I was. Hallie was in another “Licking fit” through the night and it was fucking annoying! At one point, I tried to move the sleeping bag to cover my feet and toppled the little table aside the chair. Had to get up and put that back. It must have been round about 1.00 when I FINALLY dozed off… with the alarm set for 7.45. – Honestly? This bullshit it getting the best of me! Working TWO fucking yards, expected to tend to a garden I’m really gaining nothing from, keeping the dog, the house… I’m not eating properly, getting no rest. it’s just taking, taking, taking, draining, draining, draining, taking, draining, taking, draining…… and every time I DO anything these days, my one goal and greatest ambition is to take a fucking coronary or bust a lung and drop. Amen.

Sat.19.Sep: 11.49 and I’m just getting “back” into the pit…from yesterday. I just walked in the back door, the freak in the kitchen, not speaking, which is probably a very wonderful thing. m’Dixie was SO THRILLED to see me, the precious little thing. Bouncing all over the place. I feel terrible being in the room and her being out there. But I’m so very, very tired and most fed-up with all the tensions round here and the general bullshit. Last night’s restlessness doesn’t help to make matters any better. And what a fucking waste… the weather today is superb. If only it wasn’t HERE. I left a note at Jacquie’s, rather implying my exhaustion over all the bullshit, saying that I’m at “rope’s end”. Truly… this shit is too much now. Not only with the bullshit and tragedies, but the job market and prospects of getting OUT and AWAY any time soon. THIS will be the death of me… soon. – Well… the room at the end of the hall has the door shut. Probably in best interest of all. And me, I’m going to try to jot a few points on yesterday’s entry… and hopefully get this off the lap-top and out into the world. I would truly like to go out into the yard and have a nap. But… as they say… no rest for the weary. – 14.56 The day is already almost gone… what a shame, since the weather was so nice. But I’ve just finished super-sugared, creamer-coffee, after a 2hr nap. I’ still really rather tired. But not as bad as I was earlier. Hopefully this “drag” will go away in a bit. But my stomach now is what’s bothering me and I’m hoping THAT doesn’t go all… “shitty”. Meanwhile, back to trying to catch up with this and yesterday… – 15.13 There’s a crew from Québec out there, on the bicycles… yammering away. It’s heart-warming to hear… one of the things I’ll probably miss… when gone back to NY. – Gotta run though… literally… the bowels are bubbling! – 15.52 AND SO THEY DID! BLAM! Now I’ve got SHIT to deal with! – And I’ve just come from chatting with B&L…. seems the freak sent their Eric a text “I’m going home to be with the devil.” and Eric took it as a suicide message and rang the police and the police rang B. and B. gave the phone to the freak and… IT JUST NEVER STOPS! So B. wanted to know if anything was said to me. I walked in from a smoke and was ignored. When I went to the loo down-stairs (L was in the douche), I mentioned that I’d have to flush the cold water and the freak said “Oh, that’s OK. They do it to me all the time.” Well… I truly didn’t have much choice so… – Anyway… back in the room and back to yesterday…. – 16.03 The skies are beginning to cloud, the winds are blowing but the sun is miserably HOT! The pit is calm and quiet. “The quiet before the storm”? In more ways than weather. I think I just might have to break down and get a pack of smokes here. I’ve opened the tin of “cherry” and it tastes and smokes horribly. Oh… well… I’m a touch hungry too but… – Jacquie’s back. I saw the truck when I went for my smoke, moments ago (and I’m ready for another smoke… and can’t figure why, considering these are non-filtre rollies). I’ll have to check the voice messages now… but I just really don’t feel in the mood to “see” nor to “talk with” her. And I DO NOT want to hear about any fucking garden or vegetables! But… WTF as ’tis said.’twill be what ’twill be and it’s time to accept the fact that there truly isn’t even one properly-functioning brain cell in the county… maybe even the state. Frightening… but fact. I just need to focus on getting the actual fuck out and away! – It’s been an… “experience”. – 17.55 Just noting: I was invited, by Lyle, to join him and Bob, to go out for hot dogs… but honestly, with my stomach being in the state it’s in, I had to decline. But that’s leaving me alone in this house with… the freak. Their Eric and Jose (I believe) just left. I don’t know what brought them here. Perhaps the earlier “incident”. But… I’m just noting that I’m in the house… and the freak is in the kitchen down-stairs, preparing what looks like cold pizza… Noting… just in case. – 24.35 Well, another day is passed and another one begins. The “family” came at about 19.30 and were gone by about 20.00… in relative silence, save for the howling of the dogs for the brief while. I was in the room watching a video on “illegal immigration” at the time. When, at about 20.30 or so, I went for a smoke, the freak was in bed, and I feigned not having noticed. B&L got back round 22.00. I saw them briefly from the top of the stairs. It seems I’m on the “friends” list now. I wonder if they’re in a realisation of how much work I actually do around the place, and if I’m not being addressed kindly now because something more is expected to come… like cooking and cleaning for them. Fat fucking chance of that. I’ve already put in as much as an owner and investor into this place. Now, all I want is to get out of here and away from this town and state. THAT is killing me at the moment. – All I’ve had to eat all day was the last of the grits that was in the “larder”. There’s nothing left. I’ll have to figure a way to get more food soon and I worry about the car making the trip. I also have to get money into the account in Bedford and that too, gives cause for even greater concern. But, that will have to happen on Monday… and maybe then, I’ll be able to get a pack of real cigarettes. I went into the “cherry” tobacco today and it’s horrid, smoking it as a cigarette. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if some people would enjoy it. Me? Not at all. – The back porch is a mess. The taken items haven’t made much difference and the freak says the family won’t be back until round the 1st of October. THEY’RE ON DISABILITY TOO! THE WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY! MEANWHILE, I EAT MY SOUL OUT, WORRYING ABOUT A JOB! I have come to HATE this world… this country… this … “life”. I ponder going for “Social Security” but there isn’t much of that as income. I could, I suppose, close my “Retirement” account with the post office. But there isn’t much in there at all. Yes, I probably should take it now because I probably won’t live long enough to get it later. But… we shall see what’s to come. I’ll have to find out how much is actually in it. If enough to make it worth the while. I could invest it in the car. By November, I might have no choice… insurance and registration are coming due. We shall see… I’ve got a few more weeks to decide. – Meanwhile, the rains have passed. The sky was almost perfectly clear when m’Dixie and I just went for a smoke. There’s still a bit of warmth to the breezes, but the temperature has come down to comfortable. Perhaps it’s a good time to go “HOME”? I ponder. – Not a blip from Jacquie today. Just goes to show the “importance” one holds in the lives of others. And yet, Brent, from fesses-book sent me a message thanking me for a “like”. Well, as I tell him, I know where he is… he reminds me so much of the time with Joyce and Cynthia… and how much I wonder about both of them. My heart… I don’t know how much more of this I’m expected to with-stand. People have NO clue… and most of them wouldn’t give a shit even if they DID.

Sun. 20.Sep: 0.48 It’s all passing by too quickly! – 9.30 Just up from a smoke and a chat with B. – Heard the 8.00 alarm and decided to sleep in for a bit. Cloudy. Wet. And actually rather chilly. The barn thermo is reading about 43°F this morning. The chilly days are here. – As I went for my coffee, Kerry and Jes were “power walking” (as Penelope called it) past the house to Jacquie’s. And there’s all sorts of hammering over there… B. says they’re doing something in the truck. I happened to notice that the trash bags I’d put behind the phone shed are tipped or something. Oh well… yet another one who’ll take “order” and turn it into “chaos”… no doubt. I don’t give a shit. I did what I did, made it clean… let the children have at it now. – As for the day? I don’t know. I just have to get something to eat at some point… and smokes. This cherry tobacco is nasty… especially first thing in the morning. ICK! – Just looked and got a message from Jacquie inviting be to breakfast over there this morning at 9.30-10.00. Nah… I don’t believe so. And as of 8-something this morning, they’re going kayaking today. Well… that’s good and nice and no thank you. I’m rather tired and really, not much in the mood. Not angry or anything. Just “not in the mood”. (I’ll be too busy trying to dodge work today.) – 9.51 Just looking at the map for Green River, where they’re going kayaking… it’s all the way down by Johnson… by Jericho. AND… I just found Camels Hump where Lizzie brought me on our little excursion, years ago… it’s just down by Huntington… the Gorge! Ca ce peut tu? Who would have EVER guessed I’d be there… and then so much farther North to HERE? WHO would have ever guessed? Time and Life and Shit. – 17° for today’s HIGH! (And Env.Canada forecasts clearing. Kayak away! NOT with me though.) – 11.38 Wasted morning on the soc.med. I’m still so tired. – B&L have left the building, laving behind… the freak. No sign of life at Jacquie’s. I’ll suppose they went kayaking. The sky is clearing, but the North breeze is chilled, and I don’t feel up to doing much of anything, if anything at all. There’s FS for food, but I don’t know what I’d eat… and the only place I’d go is to the store… and there’s really nothing over there that I’d eat anyway. I’d like something cooked… but those days are gone again. And market won’t be until tomorrow. Oh well… “Homelessness”… again. But this room is a mes! I’ll tidy and figure the rest out as I go along. – 20.42 Well, I broke down and went to the store and got 6 rolls, a brick of horse-radish cheese and 6 jelly donuts (which taste so stale!). One roll is left and just enough cheese to make one more “sandwich”, and 3 donuts. But… I’ve eaten… so to speak. Spent most of the day on the soc.med. And at about 19.00, B&L returned from where-ever it was they’d gone… with new car stereo. So they went to Walmarde. OK then. – A quiet day at the pit. The freak made no attempt to communicate with me and I’m just as happy about it. – I swept the floor in the room (the dust and such is in the “larder” until….) – Oh… when I went to the store, Jada told me that they’d put an advert on the Crglst for the room. 300/mo, no food or toiletries. I looked for it but couldn’t find it. But the ironic bit was: The freak had mentioned to her that he needed a place to move to and she, not knowing it was this house, told him of the advert! Then, she told him that she knew people in BTV who’d give him a room and he told her that he wants to stay in Fuklin! THIS… is going to turn out rather interesting. Admittedly, there’s a place in my heart that breaks for him. This has become comfortable for him now and he wants to stay up here. I know how that feels. But… the reality in my mind steps in and, well… he’s actually done nothing to endear himself to ANYbody in the house, truly didn’t put himself out for anybody. Yes, he cooked, and did the Sunday washing. But the fact remains… EVEN TO TODAY, that nothing was done to alleviate the mess on the back porch… not even over this week-end when, instead of re-packing or sorting or organising his shit, he got drunk at 15.00. He’s been told… gruffly by them and calmly by me, to get that shit together. I offered, repeatedly, to help him get it out of the porch and into the upper barn. Nothing. So? What can be done? Nothing, really. We all have to pull our own weight, but he’s been of the belief that he’s paid “rent” for the privilege to be fucking lazy. There’s nothing more than can be done. Hell, even *I* run the risk of being tossed at a moment’s notice… and *I* have invested MORE in this property than the owners. But that’s “Life”… it’s a miserable toss of the dice and we’re stuck making the best of it. I hate it more than most, but… that’s how it is. – So, at about 19.30 or so, I actually put the light out and, fully dressed, fell asleep… for an hour. I didn’t bother with an alarm or to cover me. Just my feet, with the OWS canvass. But at about 20.30 I woke… just went for a smoke, prepped a hot “iced tea” which is at bed-side now. B&L apparently went directly to bed because they’re both there and the house is in silence. The freak is across the hall, on the phone… internet or what-ever. And I am in my sweats, under the blankets, with the warmer on. It’s chilly tonight! – The light is on at Jacquie’s. I don’t know that she’s there. But I’ve no desire to go over. Tomorrow… I have tomorrow. Hopefully, she’ll forget about the lamb chops… though I doubt it. She’ll probably be pissed because the garden was abandoned all week. But you know? J’m’en câlisse. Oh well. – I have to get me in the mood to do a card for Ev and to write her or to find a way to phone her. I wish I could. – I NEED to get WORK! NOW! There’s so much I NEED to do… I’d really rather just close my eyes and not open them… ever again, amen. – A little soc.med. and such and try for sleep… hope for sleep. I’m tired… but… – 21.12 and old lardarse is in the kitchen tossing pots and pans after having gone down there for some reason and then repeatedly calling up the stairs to B… repeatedly! Next thing… it’s at the freak’s door bitching about something or another…. mumble mumble something something… from HLS. “Well, I bought’em” calmly from the freak. “Well maybe you did but I don’t want any cooking….” something… from HLS. “LYLE!” from Bob and the next thing, there’s a tantrum in the kitchen. I SO MUCH NEED TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF HERE AND AWAY FROM THIS STATE!

Mon.21.Sep:

HOME CIBC
0.31 and still a-fucking-wake! But it’s 8° and that’s good and I’m gong to finish the cheese and get under the blankets for a nap! Right after this sneezing fit that came from no-where. My teeth hurt. My face hurts. My head hurts. I have nothing to treat the pains. But… one of these days… one of these days… no more. – 1.19 Finished the cheese and roll and 3 donuts and now… to try for a nap. Lettuce prey. – 8.04 The sun is up. My bowels are chruned. I’ve been to the loo and a smoke. The Anxieties are in full swing. The barn thermo reads just below 40F and the pit is quiet. The door at the end of the hall is closed. The freak is in bed on the phone. And it’s a “regular” day in Fuklin. – I need to seriously think about getting to the banque today… and should, in reality, ponder the market. But… the day has only just begun… and the anxieties are in full swing. – Why… am I alive to type this? No peace… no peace.. no peace. – 10.04 and the freak’s family is here this morning. I wonder… I don’t care because I’m heading over to Jacquie’s (hesitantly) but I wonder…. – 22.29 Just getting into bed after quite the Jacquie was rather glad to see me when I got there. Of course, she’s running the “You didn’t pick the cucumbers!” and “There’s too many beans and they’re past prime!” and even though she’s joking, I can tell she’s rather pissed. But… I don’t give a fuck. As I told her, there are other people who should have been picking as well… and I let it go at that. – Well.. it got to be round 13.00 and I said that I had to get to the banque to “save my account” and she asked if the Legacy would be OK. I said “One way to find out..” and she offered to drive up! Said she could get some Coffee Crisp ice cream and… well… SHE DID! And we brought Hallie! (*Catch-up on notes… 29 Sep.) Crossing at St-Armand was rather fun. There was a young fellow there today, French, of course I suppose, who was rather taken by Hallie’s presence in the truck. Jacquie handed him our papers and the rabies document and Hallie stood between Jacquie and I, looking out, with her tail wagging. Jacquie told her that there were no “bones” here… and the fellow smiled and said, politely and with a smile “Sorry, I don’t have a cookie.” I had to laugh imagining Border Patrol having “doggie cookies”. A bit of a laugh for the day here. And… we were off. – To my name, I had 51$ and I put it all into the account today… it got me 65$. Not bad… so long as I don’t use it in the US. I mentioned to the nice woman, the change of service charges for my 60th and she confirmed that the account is now FREE! THANK YOU! She even made a note to herself to check and make certain at month’s end! They truly ARE ever so nice there at CIBC. I truly need to keep that account up, running, and make it healthier… Hey! It’s something I wanted for SO many years… and imagine… (I can’t help but think) NOW… at THIS fucking old age… it’s happened. Figures though… at this fucking old age. Oh well… it’s there… Now to get a fucking JOB! – NEXT and moving along… when I got back to the truck in the Metro parking lot, Jacquie had Hallie out walking… she put her back into the truck and we went into Metro… I got a box of Mae West for me, au Caramel for Jacquie, yoghurt for my gut and A PACK OF BELVEDERE!!! Jacquie picked up some “pepper steak”, chips and yoghurt and… we headed back to VT. Just a little “business trip”. I appreciate that she drove… I truly do. It was kind of her to do so… but then again, it’s kind of anybody to do anything that even remotely involves any consideration of me. How said is it to think thus? – The pass at US customs was a snap and we were back in no time at all. – When we got back to the house, the focus went to BEANS AND CUCUMBERS… WE HAD TO GET OUT THERE AND HARVEST… HAD TO HAD TO HAD TO!!! And the snarky comments about ME and how *I* NEGLECTED the garden! She NEVER lets pass, an opportunity to shove that in. But I take comfort in knowing that I said I was walking away from it, and I have, and it’s noticeable, and it annoys. NOT, mind, that it makes any difference in how *I* benefit from anything in there. But still… FUKKALL! Now YOU (plural) can deal with it! AND… yes… I can SEE how it’s all turning to weeds and such. TOUGH SHIT! – She pulled some radishes for HLS as well (and I left them at the house… in no mood to be “sharey” and in no mood to bring them anyway). – So we passed a couple of hours shellling beans… MANY MANY beans. And I keep thinking that it’s a nice way to pass the day, productive and such, but it would be much nicer if *I* were to benefit from any of this… *I* tend and grow and reap and harvest…. and OTHERS get to cook, eat, and enjoy. My existence… FUUUUUUUUK THIS WORLD! It depresses me… or angers… or disappoints… or something. – WELL THOUGH.. tonight’s dinner… LAMB CHOPS, COUSCOUS, FRESH CARROTS, CUCUMBERS/SOUR CREAM (at 20.00) REALLY DELICIOUS! IMAGINE! IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I LAST HAD LAMB, AND FRESH CARROTS… the cucumbers were in lieu of “cucumber salad” but… it sufficed. And for dessert… auCaramel and Coffee Crisp ice cream from today’s visit to the Metro! WOOHOO! (It was a belated Rosh Hashanna… how nice.) – It was about 21.30 when I finally got to leave and come to the pit. HLS was awake when I got in but I made it to the room with m’Dixie with-out being detected but when I went for a smoke… HLS of course, accompanied. But as I passed the parlour… SHIT! THE WHINING!!!! about some cap for a little spray bottle that had gone missing and B. not helping to look for it! IT’S MARGOT ALL OVER AGAIN! JEEZUS! IT’S DISGUSTING! JUST FUCKING REPULSIVE! WACKOS… IF I should EVER get to that point, may I drop dead quickly! – I have to note here… whilst we were out having a smoke, the freak came out too… and said nothing to either of us. The “silence” is noticeable… and, I should suppose, appreciated because if anything is said round here, I’m certain it wold lead to no good… arguments and the likes… even if a simple “Hello”. This fucking place. – When we got back in, HLS asked about any developments on the PO biz. I feign an EEO case and let it pass. e wanted e to stay up longer, in spite of my having made it clear that I was tired. Asked where I’ll be tomorrow… I said I’d be working with the scrap time and metal between here and Jacquie’s so that it can be hauled off. – I SO NEED TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF HERE! – But, at along last, I bade all a g’nite and went up to the room where I used the little computer light to type notes on the Journal.. so as to not appear awake and avoid the knocking on the door. Ca ce peut tu? Now I have to “hide” in the room at night. BULL-SHIT! Just plain BULL-SHIT! – By 22.42 (as I’d noted originally) I’d done the “quick notes” for this entry… I was so tired that I couldn’t even bother with soc.med., didn’t have even one Mae West… just HAD to get to sleep… “I HOPE!!!!”, as I noted.

Tue.22.Sep: 8.59 JUST waking! I’d charged the phone yesterday, and never turned it back on, so… no alarm this morning. Oh well… When time passes, we can’t get it back. – Feeling like total shit this morning too. My head feels like a balloon. Body feels run-over. Another day in “paradise”. It’s over-cast. It’s chilly. Grey. “North”. And so it begins. I NEVER wanted to be here at the change of clothes. All the “warm” stuff is packed… I wanted to be OUT by now! – Oh well… another morning… more anxieties to dodge. Feeling like shit… and nobody cares. We go on. – 23.21 Just getting into bed!!!!! AT LAST!!!!! Following 2 smokes and a beer (with cookies) with L. at table. Good mood this evening… and Hell-bent to get the freak out. One interesting note on that matter: he’s investigated into legal eviction… and said “He’ll be dead long before I’ll go through all of that.” So he knows what it’s like to legally evict which makes it a bit easier on my own spirit. (From Notes on 29 Sep.) I BOLTED from the room and the pit at about 10.00 this morning when I heard L. talking to the freak. I heard the voices and RAN before having to be dragged into any fracas here. – And I must say that it was a “relatively easy” sort of day passed over at Jacquie’s (save the HAVING to go to the garden and listening to the usual pointing-out that I’ve “neglected” it and loading the “FREE” table with cucumbers and beans!!! (And there are MORE beans to be harvested!!!!). This evening, I have to note that somebody actually DID take a small box of the beans so I’m rather glad that somebody will enjoy them (again, with-out so much as a spoken “Thanks” but…) – For most of the day, Jacquie cleaned her fridge whilst I sat at table, shelling beans… SO MANY BEANS! Alas. – But tonight, we had the pepper steak she’d gotten at Metro… an it was SO SO DELICIOUS! TENDER AND FLAVOURFUL! I also had TWO ears of the Silver Queen corn, with baked potato and yellow beans. REALLY WONDERFUL DINNER THIS EVENING!!! REALLY! And what a pleasure to be able to sit at table comfortably and enjoy a meal there. Little “blessings”… MUCH appreciated. – Before I left to come back to the pit… a cup of tea. Really delightful to be “People” instead of something passing through and by. – The bad news of late is that there’ll be no more money coming. Truthfully, I’m not really “working” for any and Jacquie has been investing in the other house and so much more of late. She’s almost living on her credit cards these days. But, it had to come to this sooner or later… and so it has… now. No whining…. just fact. It’s going to be hard on me, but… it is… – I’d mentioned that I need to make a wash… my work clothes were filthy. Jacquie offered “You can wash them here.” Ah.. indeed… I shall.. wash.. clothes AND ME! Tomorrow she’ll be heading off to Isle la Motte… with Hallie. I was asked if I’d like to go… BUT… TO BATHE HALLIE WHILST SHE RUNS HER ERRANDS!!! Ca ce peut tu? The ‘Oh do come. I’ve a list of chores you can do whilst I toddle about.’ FUKKOFF! Nope. I have other things *I* want to do… and even if I don’t do them… Nope. – Well… end of day and back at the pit by about 21.30. B. was in bed. The freak was in bed. The DOGS came to greet me at the back door and then went RUNNING about the place… practically announcing my arrival. I’d SO hoped to get in and up to bed with-out being noticed but… the dogs! Again… I want out and away… and NO MORE PETS! – Back at the pit and out for a smoke with HLS… I must say, today there seems to be much verbal support for my returning to my art workings. BOTH Jacquie and HLS mentioned that I should get some work done and together and see about an exhibit in Enosburgh. Hell, the work won’t bring in the 300$ I could get in NY. BUT… all I really need to do at this juncture is figure a work-space in the room… and get to it before the REAL COLD sets in. I should… I truly should. We shall see…. yeah, right. I don’t have the what-it-takes to even begin. It’s the misery of environment. But… I’ll have to try to break through this shit. – It’s quite a cool night. Mine, are the only open windows in the place. I’ll have to close the one by the plants… tomorrow, at this rate. The COLD is coming to the North Country… I wanted SO MUCH to be OUT of this pit and state by now!!!! Oh well… More Hell. It’s the way it was, is and probably will be, until my death (may that come soon). – I’m beginning to think I’ve got an abscess of some kind on the left side of my face/head. I poked, on the neck, just behind and below the ear and it actually felt a bit better. I wonder: the tooth or just an abscess? I don’t know… but something is terribly wrong there. Oh well… – Time to browse quickly through the soc.med and try to get some sleep. I should be over to Jacquie’s by about 9.30 tomorrow morning. – OH! I JUST REALISED…. I HAD A NICE DINNER THIS EVENING… AFTER SUN-DOWN… AND IT’S YOM KIPPUR!!!! (not that I believe I need to “atone” for anything… my entire existence has been nothing but atonement… even for things I have no business atoning for!)

Wed.23.Sep: Yom Kippur.
2.37
DREAM… I JUST WOKE FROM THIS DREAM:
I was having the conversation with L that he and I just had this evening on the back porch as we smoked, about how much he wants the freak out of the house. He comes to me ever so friendly and tells me that they’ve found somebody to take the freak’s room but they have a little trouble with her and her car. HE (L) asks me what size tyres my car takes. (*B had asked me that when they got the tyres on their car changed and Tonight, L. asked me what size size I wear and offered to give me what ever shoes of his I might like) Seemed they needed tyres for this person’s car to get it out of their way or something of that sort. I told him that I wasn’t sure about the tyres on my car… the blue Legacy which was parked up the road, away fro the house (as it is in reality). – I went into another room and the freak was in there, getting ready to leave the house (evicted) and starts telling me that I’m in for it, that I’m about to get what I asked for. I tell him that I have nothing to do with his predicament because he did nothing to make himself liked or needed round the house. He goes on to tell me that I’m “in for it, and that I’ll see what I’m in for soon enough. I leave the room and go into the hall, headed for the front door, presumably to leave the house for a bit. – I pass by a “library” room at the front of the house. There’s a heavy, dark, indigo velvet curtain at the door-way instead of a door (like the green blanket at the parlour in the pit today). A breeze blows the blanket to the side and I see a thin, short-haired Black woman sitting in a high -back chair. I go in to chat with her. She introduces herself (*I can’t remember her name) and I amuse her by wiping my hand before shaking hers but as I wipe my hand I slide back and forth across the floor, amusing her. She laughs, I sit on the foot-stool for the chair she sitting and and get closer to her to talk in almost whispers. She tells me that she’s moved in, that everybody’s been quite nice to her but Bob has a bit of a problem with her car being out front. (This, I understand in the dream to mean that the problem is with MY car and now she’s playing into the game against ME and that they want ME out of the house now was well!) I get up pleasantly, from listening to her and as I’m getting ready to leave the room I tell her “You’re going to do quite well in this house.” and I leave the room. – I’m out-side the house, walking round, I pass by the front window and the library room. The window is open. Another breeze blows and I hear the woman saying (to Bob)….. “You go into these things heavy and you come out….” and as she finishes the statement, I get to the window and yell “JAILED!!!” and just then, the breeze blows the curtain back and I see Bob standing behind her as she’s seated in the chair. I bolt for the front door and enter the house… Passing by the library-room door I see Bob with-drawing a very long hypodermic fro the woman’s arm and I know that he’s drugged her some-how! So I RUN toward the back door to get OUT of the house, only to see Lyle standing in the back kitchen, blocking the door, holding a cocktail in one hand, arm out-stretched, and in his other hand, a long hypodermic. He’s trying to trap me in the house to inject me with the same shit Bob injected into the woman!!! I dodge going into the kitchen and enter another empty room where, I try to figure a place in the house where I can hide. I ponder up in the drop ceiling as I hear Bob coming after me. – Coming out of sleep and the dream I think of jumping through the windows to escape. – I just woke from this DREAM… and immediately typed this. PREMONTIORY?
3.12 the dream is now journalled. I’d like to have a smoke but I need to try to get back to sleep.. I think. This dream has me…. “concerned”. – And on Yom Kippur!!! – (Oddly, I’m having such trouble typing right now… wrong letters, and all sorts of shit…) Time to try to get back to sleep.. and today I should really shower (tho I really shouldn’t because of the day but….) my body’s starting to smell of rot. – 7.44 Woke of my own, before the 7.30 alarm. Chilly morning with sun-shine. – I have to add that the fellow in Maine wished me a “Happy Yom Kippur” on the fesses-book yesterday. How rather funny. Indeed. The day of “At one ment”. Yes, it can be thought of as a day to wish one “Happy”. Along the lines of “may you find the inner peace with your self and your God”. And this year, rather more than others, indeed… may I do just that. But as I think of these years, from the Shelter to this morning, my “atonement” has been on-going. My “LIFE” has been “atonement”. Even for those trespasses I have not committed. From birth to current. Atonement. Toil. Anxieties. Betrayal. Daily. And through all, I have been kind to others, have worked for others, have supported others… even those who have betrayed, injured… mostly in silence, and mostly allowing the “natural order” to address and redress. – Even this morning, the left side of my neck is still so very sore. The left side of my head is sore. And I say nothing… nothing at all… nothing. Atonement… and at-one-ment. Indeed. – Even today, on this day, I am, essentially, Homeless. I have no place to consider “Home”. No job. Trapped. And if one is to suffer in order to make restitution for one’s “wrongs”… even now, I make that restitution… and more… so very much more. – Another day… of… “atonement”. – I noticed, last night, and again this morning, the difficulty of typing correctly. I don’t know why, but I seem to be having difficulties spelling words. My mind knows the spelling of the words but my fingers are all over the key-board. My brain is running down. Could it be what-ever it is in the left side? Or simply old age? Could it be organic? Or is is simply psychological? I don’t know… I don’t really “worry” about it. But at this rate, if things are falling apart… it’s time to seriously consider the “check-out” before it becomes… before it “becomes”. – “Worse” and “Worst” days, they are drawing nigh. – 9.36 Later than expected… off into the day… No further comment. – 21.15 I MUST get some sleep… I’ll be driving Bob to work at 4.30 in the morning and I’ll NEED to be awake because… well… hopefully the only thing wrong with the car is a bearing and hopefully that will hold up for the trip. – It was a relatively calm day at Jacquie’s. We watched the Papal visit to DC for most of the day. She cooked some more beans and… I think that was about it for her. I watched TV. At noon, she went to the red house to get the left-over flooring and never told me she was leaving… I was waiting for her in the parlour! Ca ce peut tu? Anyway, when she got back, we had a tomato sandwich. No, I did not fast. Oh well…but I’m certainly making up for that now! – So… she left at about 15.00 to go to a memorial service on Isle la Motte and I stayed with Ms. Hallie… and got at the beans that were on the table…. shucking most of them… for the pit here. 90 minutes to fill one little freezer bag, but at least they won’t go to waste (I should hope). – At about 17.00 or so, I brought over 6 cukes about a pound of beans, the bagged beans and 5 tomatoes. When I got here, B&L were sitting down to a spaghetti dinner… table set for 2. I didn’t linger, said I had to go back and clean my mess and feed Hallie. – Ah…. THEN… I WAS IN THE GARDEN, GATHERING CORN TO DRY FOR DECORATION HERE AND VAUGHN SHOWED… GRABBED 2 PUMKINS AND THE WIFIE SAYS TO ME THAT THEY WANTED CORN STALKS FOR DECORATION! FUCK HER! HERE WE GO AGAIN! THEN SAYS THAT THE CORN WS DELICIOUS AND ASKED IF I’D HAD ANY. I TOLD HER I’D HAD ABOUT 4 EARS (TRUE TOO FUCK). AND I TOLD HER IT WOULD BE BETTER TO WAIT FOR THE STALKS TO DRY. AND THEY LEFT WITH THEIR PUMPKINS. ME? I HIT THE PUMPKINS TOO… GRABBING 4 OF THE BETTER ONES! FUCK THEM! TOMORROW, I HOPE TO GET INTO THE CORN AND PULL AS MANY STALKS AS ARE NOT PRODUCING (WHICH IS MOST) AND PUT THEM UP IN THE BARN TO DRY!!! BEFORE ANYBODY STEALS ANY MORE SHIT AFTER I PUT IN ALL THE FUCKING WORK! NEXT, I PULLED ABOUT 11 HUGE BEETS WHICH I’LL TURN TO BORSCHT ON THE WEEK-END… I HOPE. CLEANED THE KITCHEN A TOUCH and did my soc.med. there until about 20.00. Left a note for Jacquie, in French, to say that I’d stayed until then and left because I was tired. True, that too. – OK THEN….
I GET TO THE PIT AND Bs OUT ON THE PORCH ON THE PHONE. I HEARD HIM SAY THAT THE POLICE WERE ON THE WAY (AGAIN!!!!!). IT SEEMS THAT SOMETHING HAPPENED AFTER THEIR DINNER, L. GOT PISSED ABOUT SOMETHING AND HAD CHICA, THE FREAK WENT BALLISTIC, DEMANDING THE DOG, B. GOT UP AND GOT THE DOGAND HANDED IT BACK TO THE FREAK, I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAN BUT SOME-HOW THE FREAK THREATENED TO TOSS L. DOWN THE STAIRS. SO L. TOOK THE CAR AND HEADED OFF TO PENNYFUCKINGUSELESS!!!! ME? I HEARD B. SAY THAT THE FREAK WAS GETTING ME INVOVLED AND I WASN’T EVEN AROUND THE HOUSE MOST OF THE TIME (AND THEN B TOLD ME THAT HE’S SORRY HE EVER INVITED THE FREAK INTO THE HOUSE… SAID “I DON’T KNOW, BUT IF I WAS IN A PLACE WHERE NOBODY TALKED TO ME AND I KNEW I WASN’T WANTED AROUND, I’D LEAVE. BUT NOT THAT ONE. HE WANTS TO DRAG THIS INTO THE COURTS AND SAID THAT YOU -ME- TOLD HIM TO. THE HE SAID THAT I WOULDN’T BELIEVE HIM AND I TOLD HIM THAT I DON’T BELIEVE HIM AND I DON’T BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE I WASN’T THERE SO I DIDN’T HEAR IT.”) THEN IT SEEMS THAT THE POLICE ARE NOW LOOKING FOR L. ON THE ROAD. HMMMmmmmm. OK. THEN I’M TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE FREAK SENT THREE (3) TEXT MESSAGES TO FRIENDS OF B&L, THREATENING SUICIDE! I TOLD B. THAT THE POLICE WOULD HAUL HIS ARSE OUT OF HERE WITH THREATS LIKE THAT. (I’VE BEEN PROVEN WRONG ON THAT COUNT… SADLY.) SO I FINALLY COME UP TO THE ROOM, FIX THE BED, CLOSED THE WINDOW WHERE THE PLANTS ARE TO KEEP THE COLD AWAY FROM THE ORANGE TREE AND THE POLICE SHOW UP… SAME COP WHO CAME THE NIGHT THEY HAD TO PULL THE FREAK OUT IN CUFFS!!! TWO CARS AGAIN TOO. I HEARD THE COP TELL THE FREAK THAT HE NEEDS TO GET OUT. BUT THE MORON WON’T GO. SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THE DOG BUT THE COP ENCOURAGED HIM TO LEAVE. HE WON’T!!!! IDIOT! HE NEEDS TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT! FUCK ME! I *HAD* TO LEAVE SHELBURNE AT WHAT? 2.00? THIS IS BULLSHIT! ALL ROUND! ANYWAY… THE COPS ARE GONE… THE FREAK IS HERE (TALKING ON THE PHONE AS I HEAR… AT 21.35), L. IS SOME-WHERE ON THE ROAD (I’M HOPING THEY BRING HIM BACK SO B. HAS THE CAR) (*I HEAR B. TALKING OUT FRONT “I’M NOT HERE TO ARGUE ABOUT THAT. I JUST WANT YOU BACK.” PLEEEEEEEEASE? “I CAN’T DO THAT L…. – I’M SUPPOSING L. SAID THAT HE WANTS THE FREAK OUT TONIGHT. BUT B. JUST SAID THE FREAK’S NOW GOT UNTIL THE 3RD. “WE’RE GETTING OUT LIVES BACK…” NOW I’M WONDERING WHERE THIS SHIT IS GOING TO PUT ME… AH… IF IT HAS TO GO TO COURT… AT THIS JUNCTURE, I’LL GO TOO… SCREW THE LITTLE FREAK.) 21.44 L. MADE IT TO “THE SWAMP” AND IS COMING BACK (THANK YOU!!!!!) BUT ASKED IF I’D STAY AWAKE UNTIL HE GOT BACK. (SURE… SINCE B. WILL NOW HAVE THE CAR.) I’ve sent 2 SMS messages to Jacquie. I hope I’m not disturbing her with them. But… I thought I might get stuck in Georgia or en route with the car… Oh well… Let us HOPE HOPE HOPE that HLS gets back here SOON! FUCK ME! – Oh… a PS: HLS rang John and wanted to crash there over-night and John said no, he didn’t want to get involved. HLS allegedly said “Fuck You!” and rang off. THEN Pennyselessshitallanyway told him that SHE didn’t want him there because every time something has ever gone wrong in the family, she’s been dragged into it. Well… well… welllllll….. – ENOUGH of this SHIT! NOW… I’m sitting here with a bit of cash in the banque running out of rolling papers and I don’t know that I’ve got enough US to get more since I put all that I could find into the account… AND down to 3 cigarettes! – If I had a widdoo gun…. – The fucking freak is chatting away on the phone across the hall… whine whine whine… and I’m going for a rollie… I FUCKING NEED A SHOWER!!!! THANKFULLY I’LL BE ABLE TO GET ONE TOMORROW… AND MAKE LAVAGE!!!! OSTIE! – 23.38 HLS returned at about 23.00 just as I was going for a smoke. So we chatted out back and I was told about the “John” incident and was told that I’m the “only friend” he has around any more. I was told that the freak is jealous because I don’t contribute to the house monetarily. But I was told that everything I’ve ever done here is so appreciated. I told him that I realised I had no friends when I went into the shelter and I told others who called themselves my “friends” that they weren’t. Then B. came down and fetched HLS. There’s talk of a “Restraining Order” tomorrow. I was thinking that very thing as I sat here waiting. I know full-well that even with that, there’s to be shit flying. But for now, for tonight, the car is back and I’m going to try for some sleep. I’m fucking hungry. All I’ve had all day was a tomato sandwich and 2 slices of soda bread with butter… and 2 Mae Wests and there’s only 2 of those left. (Although… there’s FS!) I need to get to sleep though. And this fucking lap-top is fucking about with all sorts of things again

Thu.24.Sep: 7.30 WEAK! this morning. But the pit is quiet… for now. The car is here, so B. had to take another day off. And this is quite interesting, in that I’m seeing yet another one who is neither welcome nor wanted in a house, lingering. How completely interesting in that, those trash in Jacquie’s place lingered… until THEY were ready to go, and this freak is doing the same… meanwhile, as soon as I’ve ever been told to go, I’ve simply “gone”. Or… as in years past… I’ve been tossed. How, I wonder, do they get away with this shit? Guts, balls and simply play stupid and insensitively bold. Granted, the freak’s got the dog and that puts something extra to be concerned about into the fray. But still… THEY get away with it… I simply put myself into horrid situations and go. – I NEED to bathe today! I can smell me and it’s not good. Dog, mostly. Dogs… I’m rather fed up with them… Not “them” so much… but this being “filthy” at this juncture. – Well, to see if there are any messages from Jacquie and to get on with this cold (40°F on the barn thermo) and wet (dew) morning of brilliant sun-shine. – WHY the FUCK am I breathing… AGAIN? And my head and neck feel… well… I still think I’ve got abscess some-where. Why does Death tarry? – 9.15 smelling like all Hell… off we go into another day! – 20.09 IN BED AT LAST! It turned into some kind of morning… I was about to say “horrid” but I don’t suppose it was that bad. But… I’d gone to make sure that Hallie was OK… and indeed, there was a note on the kitchen table from Jacquie. She’d gotten in at 21.00 last night, was home to feed Hallie this morning and was off and running rather early. So I decided that I was getting my corn stalks this morning, no matter what but had to come back to the house for something and… B&L were just leaving for the courts…. they had an “eviction” printed and completed and were taking it to the courts this morning. BUT.. B. asked if I’d go along with them… as support of their statements as to why the freak has to go and to “keep L. calm”. ME? Well… I didn’t want to but I did… All the way in it was chatting about why the freak has to go NOW… and listening to L. whine and piss and moan and listen to nothing anybody else had to say. (As Liz said: He was a spoiled brat and that’s all need be said.”) A quick drive-thru at the McD’s in St.Albans… and I was asked if I wanted coffee or something. Honestly, I didn’t. I’d had two coffees and my stomach’s still not “right”. But… thru and on the road again… – I tried to give some advice on the matter (since I’ve read the state statutes) but nobody wanted to listen so… they went to the “Family Court” by mistake… THEN to the court house where I’d directed them in the first place. At the court house, they kept insisting that they wanted the thing “notorised” and the nice clerk-lady told them it wasn’t necessary. BUT… she said that it had to be a “60-day” notice and they have theirs dated for the 1st. The court didn’t want to take it but they said that it had to be served… IN WRITING. WELL!!! OFF we went to the country sheriff’s office because that’s the way they wanted it served. 120$ (they’ll get 75 back if service takes place on first try). And it was “old friends meeting” there with L. and the clerk who knew exactly which house because she lives on the Riley rd. Oh my… and the sheriff… is Libby’s husband… Libby… the carrier out of Sheldon. Indeed. – En route “back”, they wanted to go to Walmart but B. asked if I’d rather go back to the house. I said I did because I wanted to get the corn stalks and such from the garden whilst nobody was there… and they drove me all the way back to the house! – When we arrived, there was a red car in front of the house… and the freak got out! B. had all to do to keep L. from making a scene but, it went well… I got out and came into the house to get changed for dirty work and they went off, down the road, back to St.Albans. – Inside, the freak didn’t speak to me, which I don’t mind at all because I don’t want to hear about the shit… I don’t want to be involved in any way … unfortunately, I have no choice at this juncture. So I got my camos on, grabbed my lap-top and such and headed out the door to the garden where…. – The 2nd floor of the barn is rather covered with corn stalks! I clipped (with a lopper) the entire inside 2 rows of the “early corn”. If they simply dry, there’ll be quite a nice bunch for decorating this year. I clipped, put them into the hay-cart and brought them through the back gate and to the barn…. and up the stairs. Not TOO much work… but the last bundle made me tired. I get so tired so easily these days, what, with the not eating properly again and anxieties and the pain in the left side of my neck and head (and now… shoulders). So I went back to Jacquie’s, since the only one in the house was the freak, and heated the left-over pasta in the skillet with olive oil and butter… maple syrup on. Quite nice. (Lunch consisted of something like a quesedilla or what-ever. 2 full-grain tortillas with a bit of butter and a little cheese. Hey… it was something. And “dinner”: 2 tomatoes with “marnaise”. There isn’t much in the way of food in the house there, but at least there’s corn in the garden, and a bit of salmon in the fridge. I might have a “Shabbat” meal tomorrow evening before coming back. – Coming back… I HAD to get out of that house by about 19.30 so I sent a text message to Jacquie, and as much as it broke my heart, I said good night to Ms. Hallie and left… with the kitchen light and radio on for her. As I came to the back yard at the pit, the freak was just bringing the dogs in and when m’Dixie got all bouncy, he laughed and made a comment about how she was so happy that I was back. (Interesting, since I was just told how jealous he is of me because I don’t financially contribute to the house-hold.) Anyway… I stopped at the parlour, quick-chatted with HLS who is probably, as I type (20.30) waiting for me to go down for my “’moke”. (I’m having a hot iced-tea right now and looking forward to trying for sleep… being so filthy as I am this evening an in need of a shower!!!!) So the “chit” was “chatty” about nothing of importance. They’d gone back to Walmarde… and even I noticed that they were gone for some hours because it was noon by the time I got back into the room after the morning of the courts. But… that’s good… keep L. away from the freak for as much as is possible. – And so… there we have it. – As I type, the freak is on the phone across the hall. I wonder how much sound travels OUT of this room, considering how much travels in. – Tomorrow I’ll bring my wash over to the house and get that done there. Tomorrow evening, I’ll shower there and bring the clean bed-linens and such back with. It will be Shabbat. I will be CLEAN for a change. – I’ve finished my hot “tea” and could certainly use an aspirin… I’ll have to check this place and the house tomorrow and see what I can dig up for pain. – Other-wise… the hot tea was good and I’m going to “browse” for moments and try for sleep with that drivel going on across the hall! – B. is in bed. L. is in the parlour… and the night comes to a beginning… and the day, to a close… I hope! – 21.50 LIGHTS OUT!

Fri.25.Sep:

HOME
6.21 And WHY am I awake? Because I was asleep by about 22.00 last night. Congested. Tired (as usual). But awake. And the morning is still rather darkish. The days of waking at this hour, to the sun pouring in through the windows are gone (again). It’s chilly. And I do NOT want to start taking the cold-weather clothes back out! I didn’t want to do that… especially not here. But… it’s come to that (again). I should be happy to wake in a comfortable bed, in a house that isn’t throwing me out. But… But… But… I NEED A JOB! This is BULLSHIT! Utter bullshit. – A lovely way to wake in the morning. When will it stop? WHEN will it ALL stop? Not soon enough. I know I’m on my way towards the end. But it’s not coming quickly enough. Not quickly enough. – 10.02 and off we go!!!! – 23.19 IN A CLEAN BED! CLEAN ME! CLEAN SWEATS! ON A COLD NIGHT! BUT CLEAN, CLEAN, CLEAN AT LAST!!! – Quite the day, I must say. Spent it at the house after a slow start. Poor Hallie, I got there later than I’d planned but she was SO HAPPY to see me! So she got breakfast whilst I put the bed-linens into the washer. And I figured the way to get better clean… Heavy Soil cycle! Oh yeah. When the linens went into the dryer, I started to get my shit together. – Whilst the wash washed, I dropped over to the store and got a box of “Total” an some cream, donuts for this evening, white pepper for the carpet out-side my door (where Ellie has pee’ed once again), and such. Jada looks at the purchases and asked “Are you the new cook?” I simply replied “Fat fucking chance. I don’t eat there… I’m not cooking there.” Then she made the comment about the heavy cream and when I told her it was for my cereal she remarked “Oh, I thought that was supposed to be milk.” “I need the calories.” I said. “I’m taking care of TWO properties these days.” And when I said that, she commented “Well, you’re living there.” meaning the pit. Fucking idiot… just like the rest in town. – After the linens came out of the dryer, the rosa rugosa got dug up. I figured I had to do SOMETHING with the day… and that was it! THEN… into the garden for tomatoes and corn and a few cukes… 3 ears of corn for the pit with 5 cukes and about 6 tomatoes. – It was about 14.00 and I decided to try the trip to the dép for 2 packs of smokes. Well… the front wheel squeaked as I got to les douanes… and Fontaine looked at me and said “You need brakes.” I told him that I’d hit a bump in the road and it just started. I was afraid he wouldn’t let me through! But, he handed me my passport and said “You’re OK.” and off I went! YAY! – The wheel squeaks only at slow speeds… I’m wondering what the f… is wrong! But… I made it to Metro and got my smokes and made the trip back and even the crossing back was a snap! RELIEF! – Quick up. Quick back. AND… when I got back to the house I put the beets in to cook so I could peel them! Diced them up and the onion too. They’re in the broth with olive oil this evening. Borscht will be made tomorrow. – As the beets cooked, I RANG EV! She’s at home again. She’d left the lake Labour Day week-end and went to Lois’ for Rosh Hashannah/Yom Kippur. She’s going to Beth’s for Sukkot. Ah… Sukkot… I’m losing track of the holidays. But she and I chatted for about 45 minutes and she rather pressed the issue of my visiting with her. Damned shame the car won’t make that trip… and I can’t afford it anyway. But I’ll have to see if I can’t get down there to see her soon… She’s 88! And… all told.. a good friend, indeed. – Well… after the chat, it was dinner time for Hallie so she got fed and me? I went for the LOO! A SERIOUS TEETH-BRUSHING AT LAST. A SHAVE… AT LONG LAST!!! (But before that, I had to come back to the pit… I’d brought the linens over and with them, the under-things I was supposed to wear after the shower… me… dumb ass.) But… I wanted to put my jeans AND work clothes in to wash, so there I was… nekkid, brushing teeth and shaving. But. WTF? The clothes went into the machine and as soon as it finished filled… I WENT INTO THE SHOWER! CASTILLE SOAP FIRST FOLLOWED BY THE DOVE SHOWER STUFF! CLEAN ME!!! YAY!!! AT LAST!!! I dried with the flannel, dressed and put the clothes into the dryer and rang Jacquie. – SHE can be such the little busy-body… wanting to know ALL about what’s going on in this place. So I told her… and we chatted… until about 21.00. The dryer cycle hadn’t done but the clothes were dry enough to wear and THE WARM SWEAT-SHIRT was a PURE DELIGHT! IT’S COLD TONIGHT! – So Hallie got to play a bit, got her treat, and I left the house with the light on and the radio playing for her. Poor baby. I hope the house is warm enough for her. – Meanwhile… and the asylum… I came in to find B&L in the parlour. (The freak was in bed already at about 17.00 or so. I wonder if he’s eating these days. Even miserable arse-holes shouldn’t go hungry!) So I came to the room to make the bed… with m’Dixie and then she and I went down for a ‘moke. L. and I chatted on the back porch about “Christians” and “Catholics” and we came in. I gave m’Dixie her dinner and L. brought 2 OPENED bottles of apple ale and we chatted at table a bit more. – One more ‘moke for us both and that brings me up to now, at 23.45 and in the CLEAN bed… with the “warmer” on. – IT’S DAMNED COLD TONIGHT!!! I SO WANTED TO BE OUT OF HERE AND AWAY BEFORE NOW! Well.. we shall see – Oh… the “server” person didn’t come to “serve” the freak it’s papers! REALLY? What a bunch of fucking morons. Oh well… it’s VT. – I’m exhausted and so, a brief snap at the soc.med. and then…. TO SLEEP!!! Feed Hallie. Make borscht, take a walk with m’Dixie… that’s pretty much tomorrow… and I”m going to do ALL I must to see to it that it’s a calm and restful day too! –

Sat.26.Sep: Happy Birthday Joyce!
9.39 7.00 alarm sounded. I dozed until 8.00. And now… the day begins… with a bit of a chill and possible frost. and the house is all a-stir… the freak is being served. I need to make the borscht and feed the Hallie. Out we go! – 18.37 At Jacquie’s where I’ve been for absolutely most of this day… SICK! I think all the heavy cream I had, coupled with the Total flakes, is playing havoc with my guts today. Almost non-stop shits to the point where I’m trying to hold what-ever is left in there. I must have gone 8 time all day! And yes, I have to go again! OH! What a day! And this was supposed to be a “calm an relaxing” Shabbat. Right. I should know better. But.. – So I was here by about 10.30… SOON AFTER THE “PROCESS SERVER” ARRIVED AT THE HOUSE (at about 9.30 or so). I was looking forward to settling-in for the morning, lolling over to the house to serve Ms. Hallie her breakfast, get the borscht on the stove and then returning to the house, taking Ms. Dixie for a stroll an spending the day on the bed… or something similar. WELL! The server came and I got up and dressed, threw things together and bolted for the door. – The day? Mostly making what I now call “Winter Borscht”. The white pepper has made it a bit on the “warm” side. It’s not bad at all though. Not like the first batch, but not bad. I think it might have something to do with the larger beets and the older dill. Still… not bad at all. I had 2 coffee mugs of the broth for lunch. (And at about 17.00, I finished the left-over couscous and carrots… filling… and hot on this chilly day.) – Then, when the borscht was put up into 6 coffee jars (after I’d removed the labels and washed them thoroughly), I got to damp mop the kitchen floor a bit…. mostly to make it appear clean. I’d no sooner done when I heard a crashing out on the porch. Ms. Hallie, trying to catch a fly or something, toppled the tote of egg shells!!! ALL over the porch. So… I HAD to sweep them up. So much for the quiet and calm Shabbat. – NEXT! I take a stroll to the end of the drive and….. that KIA is there again! Apparently the freak rang somebody and they came to get more shit out of the house. (I later learnt that he removed the microwave and all of the booze. But, as B. said: He’d paid it so… and he’s just looking to annoy them.) So I turned back into the house an went onto the soc.med., resolved to stay away and out of the way of what-ever was transpiring there. I want nothing… NOTHING to do with it. Not my circus. Not my monkeys. – So it was a calmish day anyway… sitting in this house, with Hallie, listening to the Montreal classical station. – It was about 15.00 and I decided to take m’Dixie for a walk today in the sun. The air is cool and this house is chilled and I needed to be in the sun. As it is, I’m wearing a t-shirt, red corduroy shirt, my black sweat shirt and a Cecil flannel shirt. Chilled and tired. Well… when I got into the pit, no Mexishit and no freak! So I got m’Dixie and out we went, round the town (or the block, since both are one and the same). When we got back, the house was still still and calm. I DO feel sorry that I couldn’t bring Ms. Ellie for a walk as well, but I don’t know how she is with walks and since I’m not feeling well… I didn’t want to push my time away from a loo. So I left the 2 of them there and returned here. The freak was gone as well and I just didn’t want to risk being in that place alone with it. (And that too, probably has something to do with my stomach being “off”. The tension of not knowing what to expect from such trash… and the anticipatory anxieties of being pulled into some fracas just makes the guts churn. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact that it would be a move in the opposite direction from where I am and want to be, I WOULD go back to The Shelter! If for no other reason: PEACE!) – Back here, I heated the aforementioned left-overs and washed the dishes. – As I say, at about 17.00, I saw B. in their back yard so I went to the fence. “We’ll be back.” he said. The “service was confirmed. I told him that I was being scarce because I saw the KIA at the house. That’s when I learnt about the micro-wave and such. And as we sort of chatted, L. came out the door, choking like a drama queen. Seems the dog of a friend who knew a friend who knew of some old band person died and she, the party of the first part was devastated so… they THINK they’ve found a new “home” for Ms. Ellie. And… they were off and I brought Ms. Hallie in for dinner. – I decided to try and get back to the room, to tidy a touch because the KIA had been gone, so I put together some things to bring back to the room and left the house… but… BUT… AS I GOT TO THE PIT… THERE WAS THE BLOODY KIA!!! WITH A GUY (grizzly looking sort) AND A GAL (trailer trashy sort) STANDING BESIDE IT. I SIMPLY GRUNTED “HI” (and it DID come out rather “grunty” to my surprise) AND KEPT RIGHT ALONG. When I got in, there was the Mexishit at the stairs, Dixie all jumpy-glad to see me. So I made like all was well and went to the room to transfer photos of yesterday’s box of veggies and today’s jars of borscht off the phone AND onto the fesses-book. Then… THEN… ANOTHER NEED TO TROT! AND I’D LEFT THE LOO PAPER AT THE HOUSE! SO… poor Dixie had to leave the room and I had to leave the pit to come back to the house. – The freak was in its room and asked where Ellie is/was. I didn’t let on about the departure. Just rather brushed it off, politely and pleasantly. I don’t want to get into even a quick exchange of words with that thing… especially not at THIS juncture. The less said, the better… for ALL. And out the door… and… here I am at 19.04, tired, not well, wanting SO much to lie down and nap. But… no rest for the weary… NO REST for ME! EVER! – Well then… and now at 19.18… just in from play with Ms. Hallie and water is on for a green tea. Hopefully that’ll help settle my guts. It’s COLD out there already… and the sun is just gone over the horizon. I’d LUV a drink… but I don’t believe I should dare. Perhaps I’ll “borrow” an herbal tea for the room for later. But for now… A bit of “wrap up” so I can call in “report” and bolt for the door before 21.00… I can hope. – 21.55 OH! IN BED! AT LAST! I thought this day would never come to an end. BUT… IT”S BLOODY COLD IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT! The warmer is on… thankfully. But the fingers and hands are cold again. I SO hoped I’d be out of here and away from this before this weather came in. My “life”… on grand fuck-up. But maybe, with the freak gone, this time I’ll benefit from an open door and some… SOME warmth from the pellet stove. That might be a bit better. I doubt it. But I can dream. – L. seems to be in a better mood now that the freak is making the move. Still, that back porch is STUFFED with boxes of shit And if memory serves, the eviction is for Wednesday. In our “chat” this evening, Jacquie asked where he’s going and I told her that I doubt he’ll end up in a shelter. She said that if he gets “emergency housing” they’ll put him up in a motel because that’s what they do up this way. It’ll be interesting to see where he ends up… if I ever find that out. Still, it annoys me terribly… a motel room! SHIT! *I* end up in a shelter where they promise to find me housing and… here I am. No help other than the kindness of B&L and this un-heated room. (For which I AM quite thankful… considering the alternatives… which I’d be given… which add up to being in the car, trying to find a place to live… and having to worry about gas… and the wheels.) It’s no wonder any more, that people CHOOSE to be slobs and trash… they actually benefit from it… and THAT ONE… the freak, has no incentive to “do” anything anyway. Well… even though I don’t like the idea of anybody being “un-domiciled”… I have to think of the day when he told me that they’d “be better off if (I) went back to NYC an back into the Homeless shelter”. I’ve not forgotten that, and probably never will… especially since I was working so hard, often to the point of illness, to do what-ever I could… and then some… round this place whilst that thing laid in bed… playing on the latest “smart phone/android”, collecting 700$ each month, for contributing nothing but anxieties to the house-hold… and whining. Alas… them that’s got shall get… them that’s not shall lose. I need to “get” so I’ve “got” and then… I’ll be holding on to it for dear life! – I keep thinking that I probably should check to see what I could get from social security. AND… I should check to see what’s in my “retirement” account from the PO. It might come to that just to repair the car (and pay the coming expenses…. I really SHOULD see about those!!!!) – As I remember to mention: Ellie DID go to a “Linda’s” today. A “trial” stay-over. No guarantee that she won’t be returning. But when I came into the pit this evening… NO BARKING! That was quite nice. But there’s a palpable emptiness with-out the little pain in the butt. I hope, with all my heart and soul, that “Linda” gives her MUCH MUCH LOVE! and that she’ll be better and happier there. She’s such a sweet creature ever so docile in her little oblivion. Well… the cats found better and happier… may Ellie do like-wise. – I’ve got all the windows closed tonight, and the little curtains as well, to keep some of the cold out. It’s odd… not being able to see out of the windows (again). One of these days, the plexi will go back onto the other window, at the rate the temperatures are dropping. But then again… this is only the beginning. The blood has to thicken and the body needs to re-adjust. Winter… again… BUT… I’M BACK IN THE NORTH… WHERE I LONGED TO BE! I knew it wouldn’t be easy… but I’m where I wanted to be so…. It’s really quite OK. – 22.14, time for a quick browse on the soc.med. and then… under the covers. Breakfast with Ms. Hallie tomorrow morning. (And I left the car parked beside the house… I suppose I really should get up early enough to move it so it’s out of Jacquie’s way when she comes driving through… I suppose.) –

Sun.27.Sep: 22.44
NOTES
I was up at about 7.00 this morning and when the house became “animated”, I was out the door by about 9.30, just in case Jacquie hadn’t taken the time to give Hallie her breakfast. I bolted over to the house to find a note on the kitchen table. “I fed Hallie” was all. So, I said my “Good morning” to Hallie and left. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to “be”… as usual. – Came back to the barn and then went to the brook to get “plant water” for my little plants. Today, I got the water from the Groat. Noticed that the water there is brown. Sometimes the water from the Rock is green… but the plants are thriving on the brook water so I’m thinking that it’s OK. Probably better than tap. – When I brought the water back into the room, everybody in the pit was awake so I headed right back out! and to the barn. I figured I’d try to get into the “Halloween decorating” mode. It was difficult this morning. No inspiration really. And not being in “the mood”. But I pulled one tomato cage from the garden, thinking I’d work with that. Dixie was with me this morning too… little sweet-heart, her. Well… I grabbed the left-over upholstery from the old love-seat (now, the “garden bench”) and a bit of PVC pipe I had in the barn, bent the tomato cage a bit… added another cage from the barn and… in moments, SOMETHING started to develop and it wasn’t half bad! The boxes of other decorations, including masks etc. were right there, so… rather suddenly, I was “all into” the creativity and… BINGO! The “thing” is about 6ft tall and not too bad at all! It’ll need a bit of attaching and such, but, all told… not too shoddy! I cleaned the back barn a bit and moved it in, out of the weather and covered it with the remnants of black plastic that I’d used for other purposes and when it was completely covered, got inspired to make another… tomorrow, perhaps. So this morning wasn’t a complete waste. And… as the day went on, the temperature rose and it got a bit warmer so… clear skies, comfortable temperatures and creativity. Can’t complain, I wouldn’t suppose. It kept me quite occupied through the day! – Jacquie had been at the church “brunch” all morning. I’d left her a note saying that I was sorry for not having moved my car out of her drive, but that I was in “much pain” last night. (I also didn’t put her “brunch” sign out… I remembered well after the fact. Oh well.) I figured I’d stay away for the day… that way I wouldn’t have to listen to her and her problems (since nobody listens to me and mine…. fukkemall anyway, to be honest). – At about 14.30 or so, I was really quite weary, so I came into the pit, hoping for a nap or coffee or both. As I came into the kitchen, B&L were seated, having their burgers and HLS offered “Would you like a burger? I don’t think I could possibly have another.” I declined, saying I’d just come in for a coffee… and came to the room where I had an iced-tea and… a lie-down… I set the alarm for 15.30 and…. SLEPT! Mostly a “half-sleep” but SLEPT! – When I woke I was SO hungry. I had to break down and go to the store… I went to the barn for a few moments, sat quietly and then went… for… cheese (Alpine Cheddar… pretty good for cheddar, I found), rolls, and PopTarts. TOO fucking much money for that shit but… oh, and a small bag of crisps to kill the immediate appetite. Went back into the barn, had the crisps and started to head to Jacquie’s (I figured I almost had to… some-how). As I was headed to the garden gate, Dixie came running over. The freak had the 2 dogs out and Dixie got lose, as it were. So I brought her back and then headed, via gate, next door. – Jacquie was in the recliner, watching the Pope in Philadelphia… mass… Catholics… honestly. But we chatted a bit and watched a bit and played with Hallie a bit. Hallie stinks! of “dog” and so too… that house. I’m really tired of that smell. But I sat for a bit when the phone rang. Caller ID showed her that it was “the pit”. She asked if I wanted her to answer. I said “No.” she answered anyway. SERIOUSLY!!! ANOTHER IDIOT IN MY LIFE WHO PAYS NO ATTENTION TO ANYTHING I SAY. WHERE THE FUCK TO THESE MORONS COME FROM? WELL… DO UNTO OTHERS… ETC… SO I SHALL DO UNTO THEM AS THEY DO UNTO ME SINCE THAT’S WHAT THEY OBVIOUSLY WANT (and deserve anyway). HLS… invite to “tea and Irish soda bread”. I was cornered. SHE was the cause. I came back to the pit…more to keep peace than much else. – So, by now it was almost 17.00 and there we sat, all cutesy, tea and soda bread. (Actually, the bread was more like “cake” and rather good, as far as soda bread goes.) And we chatted. I don’t know what that’s all about, but it’s annoying that now, I’m all “Bestie”. Of course, there’s ulterior motives a-foot. But for the time.. In the Shelter, we had to sign-in every evening… we called it “Paying the rent”. Here, one need be “kind”… I call it “Paying the rent”. Nothing for “free” indeed. – When “tea” was done, I came up to the room and had… cheese samichez. AS I sat to eat, HLS called up from the street. He and B. were off to Swanton. Seems the “new home” for Ms. Ellie isn’t working out well… she wouldn’t eat nor pee and got sick so… back she comes. Oh well… they tried. (But I keep thinking of how easily they like to dispose of things… people… pets… things. Makes me physically ill. People are shit-bags… indeed.) – WELL!!!! I had 2 samichez and they returned… I went for a smoke and HLS wanted to go to the lake to watch the eclipse! It was but about MAYBE 19.30 or so and the eclipse wasn’t to begin… BEGIN until 20.11 or so! I had neither the energy nor the desire to go sit at the lake, in the cold, in the car for this nonsense and I said as much. So, B. told L. that we should sit out front to watch… and so… we did… and waited… and waited… and waited. – Well, by 22.44 we were FINALLY back in-side… from the cold. – The “Super Moon Blood Eclipse”? The “Super Moon” was the same size as always. The “eclipse” did, indeed, happen. “Blood”? Not really… yes, it was a bit on the “red”, as opposed to the usual dark grey, but nothing “eye-popping”. We watched until it was probably as “gone” as it was to be. There was a slight ring of “white” but, even with the South wind (and it was “wind”, not just breeze), it got to be TOO chilly… so we came in… at last. We were there. We saw. We left. – Luckily I’d put the bed-warmer on before heading out!!! So coming in was chilly in the room but warm under the covers. The météo for the coming week is warm and rainy. Wednesday is to bring a Humidex of 31 again! SHIT! But… fine, I suppose. At least, no freezing… yet. – So it’s hot “iced-tea” and PopTarts for me now… a bit of browsing the soc.med. if I can keep my eyes open and hopefully, a night of GOOD and RESTFUL sleep. I could use a shower… I would have liked to shower… but… no shower Oh well… laundry at the house again on Thursday and hopefully I can hold out for shower on Friday. Ms. Jacquie wants me to accompany her on Sunday… to Montréal. I’m thinking, at this juncture… a way out. HOW? I don’t know yet… but I’ll have to think of something. Her cousin’s daughter is performing at Place des Arts and I’ll probably have to sit through that. And I’m expected to figure where to park the truck, convenient to métro for 3 “elderlies’. Not to mention… I’m really not in the mood to pass the evening with somebody who won’t even listen to much (if anything) I say… and I’ve no patience for babble and drivel. So… I’ve GOT to come up with and escape… – So much for today… another day… one more behind me and one less to go.

Mon.28.Sep:

6.45 Awake. Coffee. Smoke. A bit of early morning day-light. And warmer than the past few days. Barn thermo at about 50F. A bit of cloud cover to the sky. Meteo says the next few days will be warm again… rain and storms on Wed. Nothing much to be done today, save, perhaps, another Halloween decoration… or corn stalks or… I’m rather uncomfortably warm now. Oh, and my right thumb is SORE! Still, from the shelling of the beans. I wonder what the Hell I did to THAT now. And I wake with anxieties about the car, smokes, income. And a hatred for those who lied to me… and those who do nothing to “help”. But… I’m not “Homeless” this morning. I will be thankful for that much and… carry on. – 7.32 How nice, caught up with yesterday’s “notes”. And I’d like to nap a bit now. No reason why I shouldn’t. After all… napping doesn’t seem to bother the fucking freak, and nobody seems to mind about themselves. I just might. It’s a little too chilly to go to the barn just yet. But soon… –
I JUST NOTICED…. TWO MORE DAYS OF NOTES TO CATCH UP WITH!!!!!!!!!
LAZY ME… TIRED ME… SICK ME….
(Catch-up on Tuesday morning) So… the day passed. I got the TWO “ghouls” pretty much done and they’re in the barn, ready to go! That’s what I did today. I went to the barn and worked on both of them. It’s too early to put them out into the yard, but at least I know they’re done. And as I looked at them I thought: I wonder what will happen between now and the “Halloween time” that will probably result in them never being put to use. Oh well.. then up-stairs and put the corn stalks into bundles… 5 bundles of about 15 stalks each. Not “full and lush” but not shoddy. Not bad. I can still combine them to make fewer but larger. I don’t know what to do with them as yet, but… they’re there. – Must have been round about 15.00 when I meandered over to Jacquie’s and… she had to get some religious stuff to her Maryrose. So we got into the truck and headed over to Swanton Lumber to meet her there. She’s enough to drive a person mad.. with her “God bless” and such. And then says to me “We all started out Jewish.” WHAT? Honestly… these people and their religious hocus-pocus Anyway… I simply allow them their delusions of salvation and “goodness”. Pffftttt. – Back at the farm, as it were, Jacquie decided to pull al of the remaining pumpkins and said that she wanted to “decorate” some-where round her house as well… and of course… me… I get to do that. Not, mind you that I mind so much, but…. Nothing even got started… today, but it’s the idea. I should be rather honoured, I suppose, that people trust me and will think of me for such things, but it’s the whole “Toss it on my shoulders” notion. Not to mention… this continuing business of pulling shit from the garden… especially since I said, right from the planting, that I wanted corn stalks and to decorate the pit. And now, at the time when the stalks and such are almost ready, there’s a mad dash to GRAB before I get. I’m quite fed up with this shit… these people truly are sub-standard in thinking. – Well… the day moved along rather quickly and we had dinner at about 18.30 or so. Acorn squash… a bit under-cooked but quite nice, brown rice, SALMON, carrots. I ate, I must say, rather well. Tea after and I left round about 20.30. Oh… that fellow with whom I had the religious debate (as it were), Harold, is having a bit of a birthday “do” in a couple of weeks for Carolyn (wife) and he asked Jacquie to bring me along!!! I’m rather relieved to think that maybe there truly are no hard feelings, but Jacquie giggles nervously. People… – We, Jacquie and I, were tossing about the idea of driving up to Freilighsburgh to get her cousine and gentleman friend on Sunday-coming, and then going off to a concert at Place des Arts to see Héléne’s daughter sing. But we couldn’t figure the parking and such so at the last minute, on the phone, whilst looking at maps of Longueuil (I don’t believe it! That’s in my spell-check on this computer! WOW!) we decided not to go. NOT, mind, that I was actually looking too forward to it. But there really isn’t any place to park the truck for “free” so… – Well then… by 21.00 I was back in the pit. HLS was awake. We had a smoke and I was given a small stack of “mint Oreos” to take up with me. I don’t like being on the “Nicey List”. But I make with the “keep peace” bit. May as well… for the time-being. Soon, I should hope, the day will come when this will be passed… and me as well. – I SO NEED A SHOWER!!!! Ms. Hallie REEKS of DOG! and the stench is in my sinuses!!! and, no doubt, in my clothes and on my skin. Disgusting!!! And the bed-linens are still rather clean and I do NOT want that stench in the bed! I SO want out and away from “pets”. I just can’t take much more of this shit. My mind keeps wandering back to the Shelter… at least there I could be clean… daily. Alas… and oh well then… we make the best of what we have…. no matter how difficult. – Lights went out at almost mid-night… again… a hot water before sleep. Another day done… another date passed.

Tue.29.Sep: 8.17 A night of sleeping under nothing but the OWS canvass. Thankfully, it was a warm night. Rain, but warm. The alarm sounded at 6.30 this morning, and I just let it run… and went back to sleep until now. The sun is coming out, the world is wet. And I don’t really care. Just up from a smoke. The freak is up ad about. I can’t help but think: Nobody in this house is speaking to it. It must be terrible. But then again, even as B. said: to be in a place where you KNOW you’re not wanted.. and yet stay… Well. Jut so long as there’s no tension.. Oh but there is, and it’s still getting to me. – And so, another day of this shit. I need a job, income, and OUT of here! AWAY from the house, the town… an yes… out of this state. – I keep thinking of the car: Insurance and registration due in November…. I NEED A FUCKING INCOME!!!! NOW!!!! FUCK!!!! I NEED OT FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THAT… NOW!!! FUCK!!! – 9.50 and the Journal is up to date… time for another smoke… post the Journal and… what-ever. The clouds are back, the sun is gone again, it’s still quite warm, but no sense in working with the corn stalks or in the garden or mowing the bit of lawn under the picnic table… it’s all too wet. I DO have to straighten some things up in this room though. So… we shall see where this all leads to. Not, mind, that I give a shit. – 10.06 Up from 2nd smoke. The freak is in the kitchen. Spoke to me about Ellie not wanting to go out. I said nothing in response. And… it’s drizzling. Good. Maybe a day of “nothing”… although, I see me going to the barn… just to not-be-here. I don’t know. I’m dressed… in clothes. I stink! Dog. – 12.10 Still on the bed… been browsing all morning as the rains fall nicely. I could almost actually take a nap right about now but, there’s a mess in the corner of the room and the paper on the wall should be adjusted and there are things to be done… We shall see what DOES get done… and what does not. As if I care one way or the other. – 22.18 I AM SHOWERED!!!! AND… AT THE PIT! – It was another rather “wasteful” day. The only thing I got accomplished (so to speak) is getting plastic flower pots from Jacquie’s greenhouse so I can put the pumpkins on the front lawn. AND… taking Dixie for a walk with Jacquie and Hallie. I spent all of the morning on-line… wasting the day away. And… J’m’en câlisse! – Had dinner with Jacquie… hot dogs, baked beans, and pumpkin pancakes for dessert (which were quite delicious, I must say). FOOD! DINNER! Happy me! – Got back to the pit round about 20.30… smoke with HLS and chat for a bit about air fresheners and silly stuff of that sort. I mentioned that I wanted to shower, expressed concern about waking B. and was told that it doesn’t bother them at all. So… I bade good-night and came up and SHOWERED! Believe it or not, I’m sitting here in a bit of a sweat. It’s THAT warm again tonight. – News: They’re going on that annual “cruise” on Champlain tomorrow evening. I’ll be able to shower again! YAY ME! And fuck the freak. – Well… having an iced-tea (room temp tonight) and heading to sleep I hope. Tomorrow? I’ve no idea as yet… but it’s supposed to rain so there won’t be much happening. – Oh… tonight I spoke rather at length about the “no heat” situation in this room and last Winter… she’s a dense as a concrete slab. But she heard when I told her about 48°F in the room. She said: If it gets that cold over there, you can always come over here and sleep in that room (the little bed-room I cleaned) because that’s got heat in it. Still… and I told her that when I leave Franklin, nobody will know I’ve gone until they realise I’m no longer here because I have no intention of saying “good bye”. I told her of the nasty shit the Gates pulled on me… or Linda and Kim anyway. She never knew. I told her of Kevin Lothian spitting at me. I told her, point blank… I’m bitter at this point and have nothing nice to say about the town nor the people. She SAID she understands why. I doubt it. But she’s still planning the garden for next year. I’ll KILL myself before I’ll waste another year of my life here. Winter’s coming… I can be going. And this year might be a little easier. – That said… browse, tea and sleep… I hope. Tomorrow is supposed to rain again… so … perhaps another wasted morning in the bed and then some time hiding in the barn, a couple of hours at Jacquie’s… then here to SHOWER AGAIN and back to bed… The Plan. The end. –

Wed.30.Sep: 1.46 going to bed at last!!!!! – 10.02 just waking to a fucking miserable computer shit morning. This thing is about to piss me right the fuck off!!!!! Not typing. Not logging on. The cursor stops and starts. And this morning at about mid-night, the fucking thing needed to be shut down and I had to change some “task” or another. And THAT was a fucking pain in the arse. Oh well… – Time for a smoke… in the rain. – 10.13 Coffee and a smoke and the RAIN! – To spend 60 years wishing that you’d never been born, resenting your birth, wishing you’d been aborted some-how. 60 years… every day. – Oh well… – Life is not depressing. Depression comes from realising that one hasn’t got what one wishes one had. – The car… insurance and registration. A bearing job. Fuel line. Etc. – Morning… another day. The end of another month. Bleak. – 11.05 Well… it would seem that I’ve applied for the PSE in St.Albans this morning. Now… to see how far THAT gets me. No… I do NOT want to work in St.Albans… I WANT to go back to NY. But… I NEED to work… and this will, if it goes well, move me in that direction. So… one again… we do what we must for as long as we must and when we no longer must… we cease. – Fucked up morning, this one. – 21.12 I just got in from Jacquie’s. They just got in from the “cruise”. B. just came to the door because L. wanted to know if I was going for a smoke. I just want to get to sleep! Not that it was a particularly horrid day but… I DID apply for the PSE at St.Albans. AND I PUT THE PLEXI BACK UP ON THE NORTH-EAST WINDOW! Screwed by hand. I could have used the electric drill but I figure there’d be something said about it, since the freak was across the hall all fucking day. Not that it would have made much difference, and not that there would have been anything truly harmful to say… but.. it’s done, in silence… and… it’s done. I’d gotten it almost done when I realised that I’d forgotten to close the storm window so I had to take it down and put it up again. But… it’s done… DONE! And, of note: when I left for Jacquie’s at about 17.00, the temperature in the room read 18°. Just now, when I got back, it’s 20°. Maybe that plexi IS keeping some of the cold out. I doubt it, but… – And so, I’d stopped at the store before Jacquie’s to get 2 Ramen and a package of cheese (curds, as they call them) and a box of donuts… that was going to be dinner tonight. But Jacquie had made tomato “soup” from fresh tomatoes, with couscous. It was, admittedly, more like tomato “sauce”, cooked tomatoes. But was it DELICIOUS! And she gave be a large bowl, with bread and butter. PERFECT. Just WONDERFUL! And such a surprise delight! And carrot “bread” for dessert, with tea. Lovely! – AND…. she gave me a really nice, green, LL Bean Winter jacket, which she even washed whilst I was there!!!! WARM JACKET!!! Now I have the Kanuk from Viv, and in a bind, Reuben’s beige jacket, and now… THIS ONE! I’m getting Winter-wear! (I hope not to make it through this one though… so somebody else will benefit from these. Meanwhile, I know I have… and HEY! With the Carhart cover-alls… I’m toasty!) – When I got back to the pit, the back door was locked so the freak must have taken the dogs out. Dixie’s dinner was still there and I “made gravy” for her and she ate. Sweet little bit that she is. – And all that done, I came up to the room, put the kettle on for “iced tea” hot, and they drove up and I’m in bed… with a carrot muffin and hot tea. I’m set for the night. – OH! Jacquie remembered that I’d wanted fishing line (to hang things on the house for the Halloween decorations)!!! And she got me a spool! SHE REMEMBERED! I’m pleasantly shocked… almost, quite frankly… to tears. SHE REMEMBERED! I’M HONOURED! (The “little” things… they get to me.) – So, in bed, ready for a “browse” and then hopefully to sleep… well through the night, in this room where 2 windows are sealed against the cold and the other is closed against the night. The “warmer” is on tonight. Tomorrow I’ll have to see about sealing-off that registre behind the bed. Sealing it MIGHT keep SOME cold out of this room when the weather changes. According to the météo, the cold will end by about the 6th and then return the last week of the month. But this year… I’m not so worried about the cold… I’ve got Winter-wear… for The North Country! – 23.55 and off to bed… and sleep I hope. Finished my tea, muffin, 2 donuts. Would like to go for a smoke but (a) I don’t have many, (b) I don’t have money for more rolling papers, (c) I don’t want to have to deal with HLS. Off to bed! At least it’s warm in here now.