Wed.1st.Feb: 7.55 (Well… André & some other guy are here… of course. First thing in the morning. And as I type here, on the bed in the little room, they’re out in the hall, getting ready to tear it apart. Apparently, Jacquie had no idea they’d come today. But still… not even 8.00? Vermont. They’re nice enough though. “Enough”.)

DREAM
A group of us were out walking. The group of guys was (?) myself, Peter Rodriguez, Jim Duane, Schmulik, and a few other guys. Where we were is ambiguous. It was either Tel Aviv or Fordham, or a combination of both. (Strange detail of a dream.) Walking along what was, to me, Kingsbridge and Fordham roads. There was some kind of construction going on. A lot had been levelled, heavy construction machinery about. Some kind of “wall” was to be erected with steel and concrete slabs. The crane, young fellow, blonde, operating it, was having some kind of difficulty. The operator was having some kind of “attitude” trouble, being pissed about the job. I could see him closely enough to see the disgusted look on his face. He was complaining but I couldn’t hear what he was saying, I just knew because of the expressions on his face. The crane was lifting an immense concrete slab to put it into place when the crane began to slide, backward, along the road. Nobody else seemed to care. The group kept on walking and I watched as the crane slid, the cable snapped, the slab came falling and the crane continued to slid backward down the road, South-ward, toward what was a cliff and then, more toward Tiebout Ave. I walked North-ward, up a road that was dirt from all the construction traffic. There were two large propane tanks on the side and a fellow standing between them. I knew that if that slab hit the one to the North that it would explode but the guy there was between them and he seemed to either not notice or not care. As I watched, some bit of debris came down from the sky, pinged the side of the Northern tank and, sure enough, the tank exploded! The guy went flying through the air. I merely wondered what it must feel like, to be thrown into the air like that… NEXT thing… we, the group, were sitting at a table on the corner of Fordham and Kingsbridge, having drinks. Out-door sort of café-bistro. Sun shining. People passing. A small car pulled up to part and Jim yelled “Onkel!” I looked up to the car, impressed by Jim calling “Onkel” and not “uncle” and in the car I notice MANY people, too many for such a small car. Old people… mostly women. But I recognised most of the people… Irma, Johanna, Oma! Some other old women and in the corner, an old, tired-looking man… Gottfried! Edmund and Opa had gotten out of the car and gone into a restaurant. Jim was talking with somebody else in the car. I thought, to myself “You wanna see some shit hit the fan? Watch this. I’m going over to the car.” and got up, walked over to the car and looked in. “Well! HELLO!” I said to everybody in there. One woman had a small dog on her lap. I knew the dog was usually VERY UN-friendly to people but I started talking to it kindly and it was quite calm. The un-familliar old ladies just looked on and smiled. “What are you doing here?” I asked, generally, into the car. No reply. I looked at Gottfried. He looked very old, tired, aged. He just rather sat, slouched in the corner of the back seat. The car was very packed with people. Oma, Johanna and Irma were in the back as well. They were out shopping and stopped by the restaurant… for some reason. “I heard Jim call ‘Onkel’… not ‘uncle’ and HAD to come to see who was in the car. And here you are.” I said. We chatted about nothing at all. They weren’t bothered about me being there but I was still a bit edgy about talking with them because I didn’t think they’d appreciate my “presence” or “company”, especially in such a public area. (I’m not and wasn’t sure shy, but there was that “tension” as there actually used to be with them in life) When it was time for them to leave, I went into the resto to say “Good-bye” to others. Oma was in there. I went to give her a hug and she was so frail, a bit un-steady on her feet. Two of the other women held her up to keep her from tumbling and we hugged. I got her out of the resto and into the car and they drove away. I went to return to the table where we’d all been sitting but chairs had been re-arranged. Where I’d been sitting, there was little room for me. “Rachel Vizina” had taken the chair beside me and had moved her chair so we arranged things. (In the dream, we had to arrange the chairs so that the table and chairs could roll along… we were going to leave ON the the table and chairs. “Dream stuff”.) As we were getting things together, I woke….

8.28 I’m still on the bed, typing the dream I woke from. The guys are working on stripping the little hall out-side the door. Lord only knows what they’re going to be doing and how, but I suspect it’s not going to roll smoothly… them being Vermonters and all. (I’m wondering how I’m going to get to the loo because, well, my “normal” is pee, coffee, smoke, BM… and I’ve done 3 out of the 4. It’s not that it annoys me that the work is being done… it’s the coming a day late, and I’m of no concern to be told. Although, they didn’t bother to say anything to Jacquie either… just show up… 7.15 in the morning. THIS does NOT bode well for this month. But it’s “typical and common” of this state… fuck everybody else… I just need to let it float along. As I’ve come to know: speaking on or about anything around here only makes matter worse. They’re like petulant children… with about as much sense. – I resign myself to ignore them. Be nice. (I’m a well-bred New Yorker.) But let them do what-ever. (And I suspect, as I listen to the guys chatting, that it’s going to be MUCH more involved and complicated, re-doing that hall, than is necessary.) – 11.55 Just getting back into the little room, via the back door. The stench of old plaster and the dust in here is horrid! All over everything. There’s WORK to be done for the next few days. Can’t be avoided, completely, but… had I been given some notice… But that’s not the way of this fucking state. Once again: No responsibility, no concern for or of others. And I can say, with a great degree of certainty, there’ another sinus problem to come since I’ll be sleeping in this shit. And nothing can be done to remedy it until tomorrow evening at earliest. The dust is even in the lap-top. How charming. Fuck. And… I’m tired. At least there’s a bit of plastic over the door (I think). The door is closed but there’s dust on the floor at the door, and on my shoes. No doubt it will be in and on everything. I COULD have sealed the room, had I been warned… but… no. – Oh well… – 21.37 On the bed and the floor and lap-top have been HOOVERED! The other floors are a mess with dust but… André and “Rich” (I believe is his name) will be back tomorrow with sheet-rock so there’s no rush and no need to get all crazy. (Although, the room now stinks of old plaster dust but…) – Poor Jacquie got the blunt and sharp end of it again today with the inconsideration for others bit. I don’t really know why I bother, really, because it makes no difference. Still… I don’t think A&R heard but I have to say that André was quite “calm” with me when he came back in from getting lumber and such. I DID save her and them a bit by suggesting that they not cut the brick for the door to this room. I mean, really, that wall is the original house and it’s rather crumbling even now. Rather amazing: there’s a “square” of brick that seems to simply have dropped over the door. How it didn’t come through or cause other damage is anybody’s guess. But, they seemed to agree. And then we chatted about going into the crawl space. André’s been down there (and doesn’t want to go back any more than I do, I sense). So, we shall see. And then he asked where I’ from and when I told him, it was almost visible, the distaste, until I told him of Montréal, Plattsburgh, etc. “OH, so you’re familiar with the North.” Well… yeah. He asked “What brought you to VT?” “It was an accident, I assure you.” I said. When I told him of the “mystery of VT that I’d known and what I came to he said “The hippies came in the 60’s and ever since then it’s all gone to Hell in a hand-basket.” Jacquie assured me, he’s Conservative. Good thing, that, because Jacquie has to be in Peter’s office at 12.30 tomorrow… I’ll be in the house with the other two. (I wonder how THAT will pan out. Hmmm…) – Meanwhile, I DID mange to get some “landlord” info for Jacquie to glean before going to Peter tomorrow. This “eviction” could be handled with-out Peter (who wants 500$ tomorrow which will probably cover only the court costs… and which Jacquie would have to pay-out anyway). But I don’t want to get involved in it that far. She says she wanted to pay Peter 500 anyway so… let THEM handle it. – And so, the floor in here is “clean” and so too, the lap-top. Over the week-end I’ll wash the sleeping bag and pillows and get the rest of the dust out. I just don’t want any sinus troubles. (In fact, I’ve got a mouth full of coconut oil as I type… just to make sure the teeth don’t give me shit.) – There’s wood in the stove for the over-night and I’m GOING TO BE LIGHTS OUT BEFORE MID-NIGHT tonight. – First day of the 2nd month done… Shit. Time is going by too TOO quickly! I WANT OUT OF HERE! (Even Jacquie told André today “I’m not going to die in this house.”)

Thu.2.Feb: 0.56 AGAIN! And the “guys” will be back in about 6 hours! FUCK! – 12.26 The house is empty. Jacquie is off for the week-end and the “guys” just disappeared. The kitchen table is a table again. The kitchen floor is swept. Wood in the stove. And I’m in the mod for a nap. – 20.05FINALLY!!! FLOORS HOOVERED AND MOPPED. BUT EVERYTHING IN THE ROOM HAS TO BE HOOVERED AND DUSTED. EVERYTHING!
Calvary/St.Pat’s says Mum was buried on the 24th. I don’t think so but…. – (On Fri.3: 7.17) So the day rolled along. Jacquie left round about 11.30 leaving the house to Hallie and I. Rich just worked in the hall, taping the sheet-rock and such. I didn’t bother with much around the place whilst he was here. No sense in it. The floors and everything were still covered in dust, but I left it, watched a bit of television on and off . – Round about 14.45 I got the guts and the notion… I rang “Calvary Cemetery” (address: 55 Grand St. the St.Pat’s rectory), thinking I’d be given some sort of run-around when asking for the burial date for Mum. Well, it was a chat, to be sure. Some guy answered “Calvary Cemetery”. It was strange, since I knew where 55 Grand is. No telling though. I well could have been AT the cemetery. Anyway, I asked, told him that I just needed the burial date. “I can get that for you. I just need the name. Let me get a piece of paper here. I’m just the maintenance but I can get that for you.” I spelt the name for him and sure enough… quite quickly, he gave me the particulars. Date of burial, plot and lot and such, and even the funeral home. “24th of August”, he said. 24th? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. MY memory holds that it was a bit later than that. But then, it’s all so strange and convoluted, not being able to find any of this info on-line. Finding only one record total on her death. No obit. Strange. We chatted a bit about Newburgh “then and now”. When I mentioned that the river used to freeze enough to walk across, he was amazed. But he was born in 1960, said he. 1960 would put him at sister’s age. HE doesn’t recall the river ever freezing enough to walk across… but SHE seems to, or so she claims. Oh well.. just more of what-ever kind of bull-shit she doles out like candy on Halloween night. I mentioned “Sears” on Water St. He didn’t recall that either. So, either he’s not from town or… What-ever. I finally got the date. I can work it into the short story I’m working on. I did get in a mention about somebody losing Mum and that I’m still pretty sure that she’s not buried where they claim. But I didn’t bother to push the issue. – Ah… thank the Fates for the Ggl number. Toll-free call to “The Valley”. – That done… well… I chatted with Rich in the hall for a bit. He’s a “Franklinite”, born and raised. I mentioned Lyle… “His life was… well… I just don’t wear them shoes.” says Rich. Cute expression. (“You should re-think your wardrobe.” I thought, but didn’t say.) – So he left at about 15.45 or so. “See ya tomorrow.” and out the door and me? I pulled the Hoover and got to work on the floors. Hoover. Once-over with the sponge mop. The laminate flooring is still “dull” but there’s time to get to that again. As if I really want to. And the after-noon rolled into the evening. Hallie and I watched TV and I CRASHED into a nap for about an hour fro 17-18.00, after which, a quick stop at the store. I wanted ice cream and I got a package of franks (pork) for Hallie. – Meal: left-over rice, peas and a bit of “corn pudding”. Serves the purpose. I boiled and then fried the franks for Hallie, then cut them in half, strips. 16 “snacks” for the week-end. – Moving along… dinner done and dishes too, a little TV. O’Reilly and tonight, on Tucker, an interview with Milo! Gay, Jewish, British and tonight, wound for sound. Can’t blame him really, considering he’d been rushed away from U.C. Berkeley in the midst of what looked more like a “war” than a riot. But it was interesting, none-the-less. (I wonder if Twtr will bring his account back now. I doubt it… in this “New Country”.) And as I sat, having my 2 rye-gingers, there was a series of “thumps” and “thuds” from some-where in the house. Hallie got strangely antsy and paced about, front to back of the house. It sounded as if somebody was on the front porch… then the back. So I got up, got the lead pipe and headed about the place, looking for foot-prints in the snow out-side. Nothing. Come to find out… it was the twats again. I logged-onto my e-mail to send a word to Jacquie. More an “FYI” than much else and she’d sent a message to me saying that she’d gotten all her errands in before work, had forgotten her thryroid meds and that Peter would present paper-work to the courts for the extension of the “Restraining Order” and reminding me that world about town is that Stanhope has a “violent temper”! WELL! I reminded her that I’m here in the house with Hallie, I take the responsibility seriously, and that if the noise up-stairs happens as it did tonight, in future, I’ll just ring the police and if possible, press charges available. SHE (Jacquie), asked that I be diligent with/about Hallie. Well, I rather reminded her that the noise up-stairs makes that more nerve-wracking. I KNOW that it will all be shoved and stuffed BACK AT me. But I’ve said. – Fine. Day over. 22.00 or so. I could have used a shower but didn’t have the energy and there’s no sense, seeing that the bedding needs washing because of all the dust. So it was… stoke the stove and lights out. No soc.med. No Journal. Just… hope for sleep. Amen

Fri.3.Feb: 7.14 and… it snowed over-night, and I was in the bed and under the covers by mid-night. So this should be “enough” sleep for the night. I’d like to go back to sleep though. Sleep… – Had a dream last night, strange and worrisome. I don’t recall what it was, but I remember waking from it, momentarily, and then going back to sleep. oh well. – I never did finish yesterday’s entry so I should work on that whilst I may. – And today? Waiting for the “fellers” to come back and do what-ever it is they’re a-gonna do. – Ms. Hallie should be waking at some time too. – Another day… another day… here. – 7.53 Caught up… no “fellers”. I’ve got the feeling that nobody will be here today… and I’ve gotten up early for… nothing. – 8.14 January posted to the on-line and THE SNOW IS COMING DOWN ALL-OUT! QUITE THE SIGHT! And no sign of anybody to work on the hall. André had said something about being away or gone on the week-end but… Hey-Hell, no doubt it’ll be anther “no call-no show”. Me? I’ll just go on about my own business for the day. Don’t give a shit, really. – It’s getting a bit chilly inhere now… and I don’t dare to use too much of the little bit of fire-wood that’s left in the garage. Oh well… another fucking day in another fucking month in this old fucking town and state. – Fri.3.Feb: 7.14 and… it snowed over-night, and I was in the bed and under the covers by mid-night. So this should be “enough” sleep for the night. I’d like to go back to sleep though. Sleep… – Had a dream last night, strange and worrisome. I don’t recall what it was, but I remember waking from it, momentarily, and then going back to sleep. oh well. – I never did finish yesterday’s entry so I should work on that whilst I may. – And today? Waiting for the “fellers” to come back and do what-ever it is they’re a-gonna do. – Ms. Hallie should be waking at some time too. – Another day… another day… here. – 7.53 Caught up… no “fellers”. I’ve got the feeling that nobody will be here today… and I’ve gotten up early for… nothing. – 8.14 January posted to the on-line and THE SNOW IS COMING DOWN ALL-OUT! QUITE THE SIGHT! And no sign of anybody to work on the hall. André had said something about being away or gone on the week-end but… Hey-Hell, no doubt it’ll be anther “no call-no show”. Me? I’ll just go on about my own business for the day. Don’t give a shit, really. – It’s getting a bit chilly inhere now… and I don’t dare to use too much of the little bit of fire-wood that’s left in the garage. Oh well… another fucking day in another fucking month in this old fucking town and state. –

***** 8.27 Rich is here, skim-coating the hall. The snow stopped falling (for a while). But it’s DEEP! The back walk is swept but… for what? I can’t say. – The day rolls on. – 13.59 I keep sweeping. The snow keeps falling. Oh well. But that’s not the worst of it. I saw Jacquie wash and dry the dog bed from her room and so decided to put the sleeping bag into the washer. It won’t spin dry! So… I’ve put it into the dryer, rather wet… QUITE wet, for an hour. If she could wash the dog bed, I don’t see why the damned machine can’t do the sleeping bag. But, we shall see what happens in the dryer. It’s probably not “clean” but it’s cleaner than it was. As it washed, I tried getting to some things in the little room? DUST! All over EVERYTHING! It’s going to take WEEKS to get all the dust out AND my CLOTHES are covered in dust now too. Fuck. – Meanwhile, I managed to get a “nap” in on the recliner… about an hour. So i fucked an hour out of the day as well. NOT happy. – I keep thinking of Tuesday… I said (YELLED? SCREAMED?) that I’m concerned about the dust in the lap-top and that it would have been “civil” to make mention of the dust situation so that I could cover things or what-ever is needed to “protect” things. That got translated to “He’s worried about the dust.” which got interpreted as “We’re not going to do the work we said we’d do. They put the plaster-board over the broken brick and I can’t wait to see how (if at all) they fuck with the door to the little room. Rich said he MIGHT be back tomorrow. They WILL be back on Monday. I’m tired of this shit. Really. Quite. Meanwhile, the reply to my message about the week-end noise? “It’s going to get worse before it gets better.” Oh yes? Well… watch when you need a “witness”… you won’t have one. It’s called “Reciprocity”. Fuck me? Fuck you. There we have it. – Now… I’m having a coffee… the sleeping bag is in the dryer. The washer is rinse/spinning. I need to do my nails. And as for the rest? This day is fucked… and I need to work on not giving a shit. – AND… I put the plants into the shower to clean the dust off. I’ll move them into the little room for a while and put a light on them during the day… for as long as i see fit and necessary. – The twats have returned from some little trip… they’re thumping and Hallie’s woofing. All’s “normal”. – I’M SO AFRAID OF BECOMING LIKE THESE RETARDS! WHAT CAUSES THIS MENTAL ILLNESS? WATER? AIR? I’M ACTUALLY AFRAID OF CONTRACTING WHAT-EVER SHIT4BRAINS DISEASE THEY HAVE. – 23.01 MUCH later than I’d hoped to be in bed but… BUT… THE SLEEPING BAG IS WASHED! MY JAMMIES ARE WASHED. CLOTHING IN THE ROOM IS WASHED. MY PLANTS ARE WITH ME. WE’RE TOGETHER AGAIN. THE HOUSE IS WARM (I set the thermostat up). MY CLOTHES ARE IN THE DRYER. I AM SHOWERED. THERE’S A FIRE IN THE STOVE. HUMANITY AGAIN! (For as long as it lasts.) – The floors got mopped AGAIN today. Hey! I suppose it was a “busy” day. And the snow is falling lightly… again. My finger nails are filed. Yes, I suppose I didn’t waste this day. I’ve eaten TWICE. Finished the left-over spaghetti and then the left-over chicken with rice. TWICE! – And that mole on my chest is almost completely gone! Now… GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! And all will be fine… BACK TO NY. – Soc.med. time as the clothes tumble and then… hopefully, to sleep to wake refreshed EARLY in the morning. – Yes, I know there’s going to be more dust come the week. But Jacquie will be out most of the day on Wednesday until about 23.00 so I’ll be able to get SOME cleaning done (again). And then… back to the week-end… and hopefully ALL of this work in the hall will be done. There’s a pile of old plaster on the porch. Gee… I wonder who’ll be expected to get rid of that. As if I don’t know. But… – What I NEED to do is simply let it all go by… just let all of this shit go by. – Tonight, this evening, it hit me: Dixie won’t ever be back in my life. Yet another bit of my heart torn away. Well… my curses are done. May then be swift, prompt and thorough. – On that… time to close this and shortly… the night.

Sat.4.Feb: 7.30 Dressed. Morning “routine” done. And as usual, resentful of it all. Tired. Was “lights out” by mid-night though. So there was 7 hours of what-ever… Sleep? Not really. About the same “kind” of “sleep” as I used to get in the Shelter. That’s the trouble. No “real sleep” any more. More like a temporary “shut-down”. Eyes closed through the hours, maybe a dream but nothing “restful”. Always on the “aware” to a degree. Oh well. So it is. – And the sky is clear this morning. A “balmy” 20F on the porch and a quite warm what-ever in the house. Not even a “chill” in here. Very nice. – Now, let us see if getting up this morning, at this hour, was even necessary… whether Rich comes back or not. “Skim-coat” is all that’s needed on the hall. My thinking: makes no sense finishing the walls until the door is installed… and THAT’S going to be interesting. I believe I heard André order a “24 inch” door. We shall see. None of my business. As I say: I must learn to simply shut up and let it all roll along. – Well… the day commences. Let’s see where it goes. – 24.53 Well, the place is “settled” and I’m showered and shaved. never got to cut my hair but it’s not important, that. Just in from last smoke, alone. Day is done. A touch of soc.med. then try for sleep. – Noting: As I stood out back, I noticed lights moving about in the red house on the Square rd. Flash-lights? Little “sparks” of reddish lights here and there and then what looked like a “camp lantern” in the upper bed-room on the front. Are they walking about with flashlights? Strange. – But I GOT MORE MUSIC ON G’s TODAY AND POSTED ANOTHER “POST” ABOUT IT. ALSO, GOT AN “INTRO” DONE ON THE PAGE INSTEAD OF THE “WE’RE LOADING THE JUKE-BOX”. THE MEMORIES JUST KEEP ROLLING. But on this page now, there’s mention of song titles and dances. Something to catch an SEO, or what-ever. Let’s see where it goes and such. I’m not expecting anything stupendous, but… as always, at least G’s has a presence. – 24.00 exactly and there’s “thump thump thump” up-stairs. Really? Mid-night? This place is a living Hell.

Sun.5.Feb: 7.55 A tough morning for waking up. Not sure why, but it is. No energy. No ambition. SOB as it were. Things to be done but no gumption to do them. But I’m dressed and “morning routine” done. Oh well. – The red house is still standing. I thought that maybe they were setting the place a-blaze last night. – Cloudy morning. Not TOO cold. Thermometer reading about 24F. Fine. – (See the bull-shit of today, jouranlled on Monday… the 6th.)

Mon.6.Feb: 23.53 THIS HAS BEEN HELL!!!!! TOTAL HELL!!!!! THE LAP-TOP ALL BUT SHIT THE SHEETS LAST NIGHT AT ABOUT 23.30 OR SO. I WAS TRYING TO MAKE AN ENTRY FOR THE JOURNAL WHEN THE DISC USAGE SOARED TO 100% AND WOULDN’T DROP NO MATTER WHAT I DID! SO “OPEN OFFICE” FROZE AS DID JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE FRIGGIN COMPUTER AND WHEN I POWERED-DOWN AND THEN BACK UP? SCREECHING HALT ON JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING… EVEN THE CURSOR AND MOUSE! DEATH! I WAS UP MOST OF THE NIGHT TRYING EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF. AND AS I TRIED TO GET THE LAP-TOP BACK UP, I HAD TO USE THE PHONE INTERNET FOR REFERENCE!!! THINKING THAT MAYBE SOMETHING WAS RUNNING IN THE BACK-GROUND, I LEFT THE DAMNED THING PLUGGED IN WITH-OUT THE BATTERY OVER NIGHT, BUT BEFORE THAT, I TURNED IT OFF, THEN ON THEN OFF THEN ON… AND EVERYTHING WAS FROZEN!!! LEAVING THE DAMNED THING ON ALL NIGHT SERVED NO PURPOSE AT ALL! THIS MORNING? STILL SHIT! I AS UP UNTIL I DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME ALL NIGHT BECAUSE OF THIS. WELL, THIS MORNING, I DELETED THE HTML EDITOR AND A THE MUSIC EDITING SOFT-WARE, THINKING THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS TROUBLE. OH YEAH… AND SOME-HOW THE LAP-TOP CONNECTED ITSELF TO THE FUCKING INTERNET LAST NIGHT DURING ALL THIS SHIT! IT WAS ON “AIRPLANE” BUT THE LIGHT INDICATED THAT IT WAS CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET! WHOA! EH? OK… SO I DELETED THE SOFT-WARE, UNINSTALLED WHAT I COULD, DELETED OTHER FILES AND THEN RAN A FULL AVAST SCAN… WHICH TOOK HOURS!!! IN FACT… I’D STARTED AT ABOUT 9.30 AND WHEN WE LEFT TO GO TO BTV AT ABOUT 13.45… IT WAS AT ONLY 60%! AHHH…. at 13.45, Jacquie, Hallie and I headed off down the road to BTV… First stop was to E.Terr. so Hallie could visit with the folks there. Next stop… Best Buy where Jacquie wanted to get a power cord for the other lap-top (I never said that I knew the “port” was broken… but that was MORE than confirmed at the store… thank you), she got 3, 16G ScanDisc thumb-drives (I don’t know that she WILL need them but… they were on sale for like 8$ each! from almost 25!). Well, the lap-top is about shit. The only way to repair it is the installation of a new “mother board” and about 300$ AND the batter CAN’T be removed as with “normal” lap-tops. So, I’ll try to think of something we can do with/about it.. I suppose. AND I got a bit of a demo for Windows10 which is a bit more like 7, mostly like 8 but as most, if not all agree… shits because of the similarity with/to 8. ANYWAY… there! THAT adventure was done. We were on to bottle redemption for 5,25$ in empties! OK! (Jacquie kept the cash in the truck… I don’t mind. SOME of the empties were mine but… she’s buying smokes… I don’t want the cash.) – NEXT! TO COSTCO! I had over 300$ on the card! We shopped… for food, for necessities, meats and such and I got cheese, and PROSCIUTTO (which I know I shouldn’t eat but it was inexpensive and on the FS so…), and chocolate covered raisins and a jar on almond butter. WOOHOO! 180$ later… and I’ve still got another 190 on there for me for… what-ever. We did shopping and I’ve still got a month’s worth left. – That done… we went to Junior’s for dinner. NICE! I found it a bit pricey for pasta but the portion of baked penne was LOADED with cheeses! And SO filling! Jacquie ordered a wheatless chocolate “cake” which was chocolate, egg and sugar coated in more chocolate. We split it. She’d had penne alla vodka and brought much home. I don’t know how much it came to but… it was WONDERFUL! – AND… in the snow, I drove back to the house where we watched the last 45 minutes of Tucker and a bit of Hannity and by about 22.30… I came back to the room and the computer which was going through all sorts of new scans for viruses. – THE SCANS… 17 FILES ARE INFECTED WITH SOMETHING AND PUT INTO QUARANTINE. I HAVE TO REVIEW AND CHECK THEM TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE. IT TOOK 4 SCANS TO FIND THIS SHIT! THEN… WHEN I WENT TO OPEN THIS JOURNAL, IT WOULD ONLY OPEN FOR “READ” AND WOULDN’T SAVE ANYTHING! SO? SO… I HAD TO UNINSTALL “OPEN OFFICE” AND RE-INSTALL. (IT’S NOW ENGLISH INSTEAD OF FRENCH… OH WELL, I DON’T CARE.) WITH THE NEW INSTALL, IT APPEARS TO BE RUNNING FINE AGAIN! – AND AFTER ALL THE MANIPULATIONS AND CUTTING OUT THE “HIBERNATE” FUNCTION ON THIS SHIT-TOP AND THE DELETION OF ALL THE EXTRA SOFT-WARE… I’VE BEEN WATCHING THE DISK USAGE… EVEN NOW, AT 24.35… LATE NIGHT AGAIN… IT’S AT ZERO PERCENT AGAIN! (NOW… I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN I POWER-DOWN AND BACK UP IN THE MORNING, BUT… THUS FAR, THIS IS PROMISING. WE SHALL SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I PUT THE BATTERY BACK IN THOUGH. HMMM… STILL, SEEING NO “RED” IN THE “TASK MANAGER” IS COMFORTING.) – Well… yesterday I’d worked on making and “HTML” back-up of the Mr.G’s blog with that “German” editing soft-ware… That soft-ware is gone so the HTML will now have to be done the way I began… in “Notepad”. But I don’t care. I’ve no doubt that more will have to be done to “salvage” this old thing, but for now, it appears to be happier. For now…. – Well… the house is quiet. All’s well-ish. It was a delightful day and I must admit and come to terms with the fact that Jacquie truly IS a “Dear Friend”. She means well… – Oh… NEWS: I got a touch pissed this morning when she phoned Peter and asked half-assed questions about the red house. So she rang him back. The “Eviction” is only JUST beginning. There’s to be a hearing on the 24th re: the Restraining Order but NOT the eviction. The 24th is a Friday… work-day for Jacquie. If she needs a “witness” for anything… I guess I’ll go… if asked. It’s a debt… she’s been a champ, a “friend”. I should. – Well… 24.43. Another too late night. I took an hour’s nap today but tomorrow… more work on the fucking hall. These guys are SLOW! But I’ll be a mes… from lack of sleep. I’m going to check a few things for this lap-top and get another “nap” in. It’s good to be “back” and running again.

Tue.7.Feb: 8.05 Jacquie’s on the phone with her Maryrose. André is in the basement, installing “insulation” under the loo and mentioned jacking the floor. The world is covered in a fresh “duvet” of snow. And it all began at about 7.00. Fuck. There’s truly something quite wrong with and about this place. 7.00? What next? 5.00? – A must add this morning:
Last night, as we were coming back to Fuklin, w got talking about work and ethics and such and I recalled Cragsmoor… walking up the mountain in the snow, and Karen coming by. And the day the power went out because of the snow storm and the folks bringing hot coffee and soup. Compare that to Fuklin: Cecil referring to me as “THAT”, to my face and Kevin Lothian spitting on me. Yes, indeed… Compare that. –
Well, let’s add (to myself), this idiot coming to do work when it’s convenient, not showing on the day expected, and then showing up on days when… What-ever. Nope. This place, this state, these “inhabitants”… Something quite “wrong” with and about them all. – We move on. – At least the lap-top is running again. There’s still work to be done on it but at least I can type… keep going with this journal. – Today’s probably a bit of a waste with the snow and such. We shall see. All I hope for is no fucking dust and shit. I’d rather NOT be inconvenienced in any fashion or manner. But, alas… that’s NOT the way of this little shit-hole. – We move along, move forward, move on and try to move past and beyond… we try. – 22.08 WHAT a JOY to see the disk usage at 23 and even 7% again! Even as I type, its at ZERO! Makes me feel SO much better. And the lap-top doesn’t “shut down” now when not in use. Instant back to work. Very nice. May it remain so. – And so another day comes to a close. There was a bit of sanding in the hall today and Rick painted… with a primer… oil-base… and the place smells of linseed. Not bad. BUT he’s planning on coming back tomorrow to PAINT… with latex, on an oil primer. I commented to Jacquie but… none of my business. – As for the day? WELL! The pages for the G’s “blog are almost done. Tweaking mostly. But turning out OK. Very nice. I’ll back it all up to the external and be happy to have it. Maybe some day I’ll be able to put it up and out as “Mr. G’s”. But for now… it’s there, it’s on the searches, I’m pleased. I worked on it most of the day. Tah-dah. – Other-wise, it was peaceful and dinner… Jacquie cooked burgers with carrots and baked potato. Green salad too. I ate entirely too much… again. But I ate. – And, for the most part, that’s all there really is to say. And I’m not complaining. – Soc.med. Maybe a bit more “G’s”. There’s a major wind blowing out there now. Weather change is coming again. But it’s nice… the house is quiet enough to hear the wind… and that’s soothing… as far as soothing can get here.

Wed.8.Feb: 8.06 Warm. Grey. Wet. The snow is melting. The wind last night was a “change in the weather”. But as I say, it’s still only February. More cold and snow and ice to come. And another morning of looking out and thinking “5 years… time to roll on… and away.” Jacquie in the kitchen going through more photos. Photos. Mine are gone. Perhaps it’s better. They mean nothing to most people and when we’re gone, they mean nothing to anybody. Life dwindles… and all too slowly. – Another day. – (On Thursday, 11.27) The sun shone all day and the temperature was warm enough to melt the snow and ice… a bit more than… I worked on the “G’s” local for most of the day. Jacquie went to her “staff meeting” and to work until 22.00 tonight. – It was some time in the after-noon, not to much after Jacquie left, when I went for a smoke to find… the bloody porch door had been PULLED FROM THE FRAME! Twisted and such. Hanging! I took pictures, thinking that I could put it back up but… as I tried to get it to slide back, the melting from the roof POURED onto my head, SOAKING the jacket and hat! It was still cold enough to get to my fingers, and the door must weigh about 100kg. Nope… No way I could do it! So… I simply took the whole thing off. – Came back into the house and put the water on for a tea and… forgot about it until I could smell the burning of the kettle! By the time I got into the kitchen… the kettle was BLACK! All the old oil splatters and such had been cooked right onto it! A MESS! But, a bit of “Easy Off” and the steel scrubber… and lye-burnt fingers later… it looks fresh out of the box! But I paid for my negligence with 3 fingers on the right hand. Oh well… Fuck me always… and all ways. – No tea, I took a “break” and had some prosciutto. Not bad but either it has no flavour or I can’t taste anything any more. 4 or 5 slices, plain. Fine. Back to work on the “G’s” site for a few more hours. – This evening, “meal” was interesting. I put 2 slices of cheese into a little skillet, topped with 3 eggs, topped with 3 slices of cheese and put a lid on it. The cheese melted round the eggs like a little “pocket”. Not bad at all. It served the purpose. – Tossed a note to Jacquie: be careful of the ice on the drive… all the melting had frozen. I mentioned the porch door and tea kettle (which I blamed on her leaving the fire on under it) and my fingers… just to let it be known. – The day rolled on. I had a beer and a rye-ginger this evening. – By about 22.30 I was ready for bed, stove stuffed. As I gleaned on-line, Jacquie came in, about 23.15 or so. I got up, watched a bit of TV until mid-night. – Mid-night, back to bed and more gleaning. The news “mentioned” a 30-year old woman who’d been strangled “in a park in Queens”. I HAD to see where… “Spring Creek”… HOWARD BEACH! Out by the bay! In the salt-marsh! Fucking Black guy, 20 or 21 years of age. Jeezus Kriste! AGAIN! So I went on a bit of a tirade on Twtr and by about 1.00, I just HAD to put the lights out. Another fucking day in the old shit-hole.

Thu.9.Feb: 8.27 Just in from smoke. Fingers still very sore and STOMACH CHURNING from yesterday’s prosciutto and too much cheese! Jacquie’s into a desk drawer in the kitchen, papers all over the place, stove roaring with paper fire, and a crispness to this grey morning. And me? WTF? Another day. Although the local G’s is pretty much done, I want to get my “posts” included. So that’ll keep me “amused” for a while. The “door” and wood-work is supposed to arrive today. We shall see about that. NONE OF MY BUSINESS! Really. So on with the day. – (I didn’t cover yesterday here… that, too, will have to be done at some point. Oh well.) – At least this lap-top is working… May it continue to do so.) – 11.22 G’S IS DONE! FROM “HOME” TO “POSTS”, IT’S ALL BACKED-UP!!! – And here I “lounge”, on the bed, in the little room, and Rick is pulling the door down. Shit is getting into my work-boots. Plaster, cement, and all sorts of shit. Dust flying in the air. Madame and André in the kitchen, yammering like 2 old biddies. And there’s not even the slightest thought given to anybody or anything other than them-selves. Once again… What a bunch of bloody-fucking, self-centered, self-serving, selfish bits of complete, total and utter shit. Me? It just gives me all the more incentive and justification for… when the moment arrives (may it be SOON), to simply “Go”… “Leave”… disappear… one way or another. – Hungry. Stomach churning and burning. But… G’s is done… complete. Not “exactly” as the on-line, but damned close enough! – 12.01 Jacquie’s at the store. André left because the “door” is more of a disaster than much else. Rick had to leave to get lumber and lunch. AND… the door, that would have been a simple replacement, is now just slightly under a complete “re-build” of the house! Honestly? They’ve made MORE WORK than had to be. But… this is “Vermont”… If there’s no conflict, dilemma, disaster… they’ll create one. Me? I’m looking at a 24-hour day of cleaning ahead… and, no doubt, damage. Typical. Figures. Meanwhile, Ms. Jacquie giggles. Yep… this entire state is a mental institution. Packed with retards. Alas. Until… I need to escape. But it’s going to be a while. – I’m now sitting in the parlour. Dust in the air. There’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing. – 22.10 My fingers are SO SORE tonight from the burns from cleaning the tea kettle. SO SORE! But… the day is done and I’m finally in bed. Not Showered. But I don’t care. I’m SO TIRED too. – Jacquie left. Rick stayed and put the new door in and it’s beautiful! It opens “out” though. Gives more space in the room and less in the hall but now maybe the lesson will be obvious: the hall isn’t more storage space. I doubt that fact will be clear, but there we have it. Sadly, I’ll bet the call to paint the door will be coming too. How sad. Oh well. Not my house. – I didn’t get much at all done today because I fell asleep at the TV. Mostly the depression of being here and no replies to the Crgslst post. Time… that’s all. – But G’s local is done, with posts and all. I’m glad for and about that. Now to the Journal and we’re … what-ever. – The fire-wood stack in the garage is dwindling and tonight it’s horrid cold out. Good that the porch door is back on. It’s a little bit more insulation, especially for this room. But what’s left in wood isn’t going to last through February at the rate Jacquie tosses it into the stove. She refuses to understand that even hot embers give heat and it’s not necessary to keep stuffing wood into the stove (where she burns more paper than the south American rain forest clearings). Again… oh well. – Time to glean the soc.med. and get to sleep. Rick says he’s coming in “early” tomorrow. Fuck.

Fri. 10.Feb: 7.14 and awake for about a half an hour already. Why? I don’t know. I woke before the 7.00 but didn’t hear the 6.00 alarm. Interesting, that. Still… the fire’s going, coffee’s had and a smoke too. Rick said he’d be here “early”. I wonder what time that is. Obviously not 7.00. Oh well. And it’s another REALLY SNAPPY morning, weather-wise. It’s all of about 4F on the porch this morning. But, here I sit, in the parlour, and thankfully I put the thermostat up yesterday. It’s “comfortable enough” in here this morning. – And… we’re off and running with… what-ever. – Tickle in the throat from the dust in the air. It’s the way of the world. – 23.07 SHOWERED AT LAST! And in bed… AT LAST! It was quite the day. I managed to get the files of both of the old computers onto ONE thumb-drive! And there’s space to get the lap-top on it too! I’m amazed, quite honestly. Rick arrived at about 8.00 or a bit after and I got right to the computers, having nothing else that I could do and needing a diversion and distraction from having to use the loo which would have meant using the WC where things were plugged and such, or the main where the compressor was plugged in for his nail gun and such. But I’m certainly not complaining because not only did I get the computers done, I also got the cabinet cleaned out and arranged as Jacquie has said she wanted it. I sorted through a stack of CDs and such and all sorts of wires and connectors and chargers, USB cables and the likes. Found manuals and CDs for the DELL. And learnt that Jacquie can connect her lap-top to the old monitor if the black blotch from the dead LEDs on her lap-top become annoying. Not a bad day, after all. – The work Rick’s done is really quite amazing! The hall looks like it belongs to the rest of the house now, bright, clean, neat. VERY beautiful! And the new door to this room, swinging OUT as it does, gives more space in here. AND it’s beautiful too. I hope Jacquie’s happy with it. – When he left this evening, round about 16.00 or so, he shook my hand and said it’s been a pleasure to have met me. I guess he’s not coming back tomorrow so I’ll be sleeping-in for as long as is “necessary”. – When he left, I got the Hoover and did the floors, this (my) lap-top, and some of the furniture to get up more dust. Tomorrow perhaps I’ll get to my boxes and such. Everything is covered with a fine dust. Oh well… it was to be expected and couldn’t be avoided. At least I got the lap-top Hoovered. – Haven’t eaten very well this week-end but had THREE beers tonight. I should be “out” but in spite of being so damned tired all day, I’m waking again. – NOTE: The chest mole is “gone”!!! Just a little “raw” spot where it used to be! I’ve put a bit more cream on it tonight and will do so again after tomorrow’s shower and leave it on for the week again. But I don’t think much more will be needed. AMAZING! What-ever that stuff is, it’s quite effective. – My fingers are cracking and bleeding though. Quite sore and tender. I’ll have to address them during the week, so it would seem. Meanwhile, I’m sure that all the dusting of the computers and cabinet and such today with a damp rag didn’t help matters. But I got WORK done! Some… – Noted tonight on fesses-book that Bobo and Gordo have killed Bobo’s Mum’s Coco. Note on the 7th was that she’s gone to be with Bobo’s parents. Some shit-bag noted that she probably missed them. So now, Dixie and Coco are gone… but Sasha is still there. Karma… I HAVE to believe, in my heart, that Dixie and Coco are both better off. I HAVE to keep THAT in my heart. Indeed, they’re better away from that house. It just breaks my heart to think of them… made Homeless, as it were. Hateful pair, those two shits. – Other note: At about 18.30 this evening, the running and stomping up-stairs was annoying and distracting. And even now at 23.24 there’s thumping about up there. Such trash. Repulsive. – Not even a reply from the Groundskeeper ad. Perhaps it’s just because it’s Winter… I HOPE that’s all it is. The ad is due for a re-post this week-end though. – Woodhauler was “blocked”, suspended at some point between last night and tonight. But it’s back up and running. I wonder what brought that on, other than my vociferous presence. Still… I see all the destructive violence in the country, the accusations against the government and such and I’m silenced? This old world is working its way toward devastation. Perhaps this is the Biblical prophesy of the idiots, evil and violent taking it before it ends. As I’ve been saying: It’s a good time in history to be “old”. – OK. Hallie’s settled some-where in the house. Such a little gem. She gets to looking so sad at times and she’s had a very tough week, this. With all then noise of machinery and such. And today, I kept so busy. She spent a lot of time in Jacquie’s room, on Jacquie’s bed… since Jacquie is still “cleaning” the room and poor Hallie’s bed is still in the front hall. Poor little creature. She has a “Home”, a place of shelter, where she’s loved… even Jacquie says she keeps the house for Hallie’s sake. What a shame Dixie couldn’t have come here. She and Hallie did get along. Hallie enjoyed her company. Life… it’s a misery for even the little ones. – Time to wrap this day up and call it “DONE”! It’ll be strange tomorrow, not having Rick about, talking with and to himself. But there’s much to be done… dust to clean and the likes. No rest for the weary… nor the wicked… although the wicked appear to be doing alright… thus far…up the road here. Enough….

Sat.11.Feb: 8.41 A bit of snow and another morning. Odd… no sense of “particular rush” this morning and a bit of a head-ache (from 3 beers last night?). And the thought of Dixie and Coco and the evil that resides in that house at 5225. The evil that resides state-wide here. Oh well… – It’s always such an effort to ponder continuing on with a day… even into the next moment of a day. – Congested too, this morning. – The trimmer is on the charge. Hair-cut at some point of the day. – The stove is nothing but ash this morning. I’ll not bother with re-starting today. Perhaps not even tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll decide on that. Right now… well… I’ll work on the “local” Journal today. And perhaps pull a copy of the lap-top to the external. Laundry and me to clean. Such an “agenda”. Life… what a waste… for all who are so cursed… even to the creatures, cats, dogs, birds and the likes. – On… with another what-ever period of time I must pay for. – 23.14 SHOWERED. But no hair-cut today. Oh well. It’s not really necessary anyway. But ALL 3 of Jacquie’s computers are on the thumb-drive now. And I did get the “Home” page of the Journal coded. So there’s something to be said for an other-wise wasted sort of day. – It was about 20.30 when I finally got the wood-stove fired-up again and turned the thermostat back down to about 60F. Saved some wood this week-end. With what’s out there in the garage right now, it COULD last another 2 weeks. But I doubt it will… considering the way Ms. stuffs the damned stove constantly. Anyway… I’ll just keep setting the thermostat up on the week-ends if need be. I’ll NOT be chilled any longer. – Oh… a woman from Montgomery VT replied to the Grounds-keeper ad! The entire situation sounded perfect… exactly what I do here but on 12 acres instead of these 2. I replied kindly that I’m not looking to work in VT. (I would have said more on the matter but it was winding me up… the very thought of staying any longer in this state than I have to.) But at least I know the advert is being read. That’s nice. – Other-wise? Well… Avast has just finished a COMPLETE SCAN… it took a few hours. 7 more files tossed into “quarantine”. Anything more than this “word doc” should be interesting. But I DO believe it got rid of some nasty little shit malware… or “Adware” that I’d looked into only just last night. As this lap-top is running at the moment, it was doing well until the “System” process kicked in. But for the most part, it’s running 43%CPU and 31%Disk. Nice. For now. – Other than that? The wash (my clothes) just stopped in the dryer. Time for last ‘moke and try for a nap! I’ve NO idea when Jacquie will be back tomorrow. I’m planning on quick Hoover and mop of the floors. Period. NOT killing myself over this. Just so long as the place looks and smells clean. (I’ll get to the dust in the little room during the week… it’ll keep me busy, occupied and out of the way.) – I’m hoping Ms. Hallie is in the front room so I ca go for my smoke with-out upsetting her. Poor thing… if she sees or hears me sneak out, she’ll park at the door. SO afraid of being left alone. Breaks my heart. – Well… 23.28 and time to roll along. Smoke. Soc.med. Check for message from Mme. and then hopefully, a night’s SLEEP! – *** The thumping and pounding at about 22.30 this evening was quite loud. And previously, during the evening, it sounded as if somebody up-stairs was having a bit of a fit… the car was gone but… Oh well… TRASH!

Sun.12.Feb: 8.53 Not even 9.00 yet and the house-work is DONE! I woke at about 7.00. Got out of bed at about 7.20 for “morning routine”. Took my clothes out of the dryer (and they’re filthy already… imagine dat!), got dressed. Re-started the wood-stove (down to almost minimal embers this morning). Got the scraps bucket and ash bucket together. Put 2 new bags on my feet and my sneakers and out the door to sweep the snow off the back walk. Hallie out for “pninkle” whilst I dumped the 2 buckets, ashes on the drive, scraps on the back pile. In… Hallie, breakfast, bring fire-wood into the kitchen and then Hoover the floors. Mop bucket in and filled. The floors got mopped… kitchen, dining-room, part of the living-room and the hall. Dump the mop bucket. Sweep the porch. and now, all is done. Quite the morning already. And now I’m ready for a nap! – Another grey morning. Not too cold though. – Noting this morning that there’s about another week’s worth of fire-wood. Not a prob. Come the following weeks, there’s going to be oil heating the house on the week-ends. Not my choice. Not my prob. Hey. It’s not ME who keeps shoving the wood into the stove like the shit comes free. And I will NOT be in this house, uncomfortably cold. I’ve put up with almost 6 years of that shit. And, although I have a room and bed, I put in a lot of work round the place, contribute to the food (obviously), and, UN-like the whining bitch-fest of 5225, I do NOT put in 150$ in food and eat 300$. Fucking morons in this place. Anyway… for 4 packs of smokes a month and the occasional 40$, I DO believe that the scales are tilted, but… As i thought this morning, with regard to the comments about Stanhope (he has a violent temper), I’m certain that the same has been said of me. However… I’ve kept mine quite subdued over these 5-almost-6 years. So fuck-off the rest of you. Thanks. – That said, it’s 9.04, I’m “lounging” on the bed as the floors dry and now to check to see if there’s a message from Mme. and check to see at what hour she expects to roll in… at which point, there will be “mail” scattered on the kitchen table and floor, paper in the stove, dirt on the floors and all Hell will break loose again… until… NEXT Thursday when she rolls back out the door, leaving disaster in her wake. – Ah… 9.06 and the fucking thumping commences from the up-stairs trash. Another fucking day in the land of the in-bred trash. All’s “SNAFU”. Fucking shit-hole, this. – 22.36 In bed at last and what a fucking evening! – First of all
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**** SNOW *****
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AND DO I EVER MEAN SNOW! It started at about 14.00 and came steadily. I cleared the back walk about 4 times and as I finished, the walk covered again! Jacquie came in around 13.00 and it was a light flurry that turned into a steady fall. And even now, it’s STILL coming. Forecast was for 10cm… By the time it’s done, at this rate, it should be about a FOOT or MORE! Well, I DID keep saying “February”… and once again… Spot On! But, as usual, I blew that out my arse. – Speaking of which, the afternoon went fine. But then… JES AND KERRY came to dinner at 18.30… and they were ON TIME! Image that! Bad omen. At the end of dinner, chat turned to the red house situation and when I spoke, FROM EXPERIENCE, Jes had the fucking audacity to tell me that I was wrong and that Peter needed to do all the court-related paper-work. I lost it tonight. JUST FUCKING LOST IT! It actually got to the point where I HAD HAD HAD to leave the kitchen and come into the little room because I was on the edge of slamming my fist into his ignorant face. And Kerry, who can’t even come across the border with-out shit and bull-shit chimed in with something. Fuck these morons! Really! So I said that this conversation was over and I came to the room. He actually told me to “Back off” from what he perceived as an attack on Jacquie! “Back off”? Fuck YOU! They’ve NO clue, No idea, NO notion and NO education. No fucking smarts and, typical, no fucking ambition. ALL of this could have and should have been done MONTHS ago. And I said as much: “This conversation shouldn’t even be, at this point. But everybody excels at knowing something needs to be done and talking about it but DOING NOTHING! Just wait for somebody ELSE to DO.” Yeah… they got it full-face front-on. When they left, I simply went to the kitchen as if nothing happened and did the dishes. I tried to explain to Jacquie that I’m at the end and beyond with all of this shit AND that I’m offended by somebody who knows NOTHING about what I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE(it took Bob and Lyle only 24 hours to get ALL of the necessary paper-work done to get Randy evicted BUT it’s taking this shit MONTHS) telling ME how things are to work. REALLY? FUCK YOU! THEN Jacquie said something about not knowing how to go about things and she got a mere smathering when I told her that I’m tired of repeating and RE-repeating myself, that she either chooses to ignore or simply does and that I’m not offended. “I’m NOT evil. And I’m not cruel and nasty!” I told her. But people obviously choose to believe other-wise. I offer my experience and help and it’s dumped. So, I’ve even stopped offering. “Well, I don’t know about these things.” she made the mistake of telling me. “You DO know because I’ve told you 150 times over at least.” Well… She agreed that she should call Peter and simply tell him that she doesn’t want a “Restraining Order”… she wants an “eviction”. Yeah, good luck with that… No doubt she’ll get on the phone at some point and meander about on all sorts of shit and won’t get what she needs. I mean… she’s PAID Peter 500$ for a bull-shit run-around. He’s a 3 minute drive from the court house, the forms are available on-line. The 500$ will cover the cost of the court papers AND the service. But… I know where this is going and it’s none of my business. I just can’t stomach seeing Jacquie all upset over it when it COULD and SHOULD have been WELL over and DONE already! But I see where it’s going… she’ll listen to that moron up the road and this will (as I told her) linger on for MONTHS more. I NEED to simply shut-down completely and just walk away from all discourse on the matter… And so I have done and will do. – The night settled and we watched a travel show on “swimming holes” around the world. 2 of them… in Vermont! Warren Falls and Dorset. (I’ll look them up… just because.) And just now, we’re all “in for the night” as the snow continues to fall. – Odd to have an actual “door” to the room tonight. Rather nice, in a manner of speaking. – And of course, we’re back to the low thermostat and a bit of a chill to the room. But… that’s none of my business, I suppose. – Jacquie wants to call for another cord of wood too. Seriously? Use the oil for the couple of weeks to come. But no… And before going to bed, she had to ponder whether or not to keep the stove going over-night. OIL! There’s a furnace! But again… none of my business. – Meanwhile…notes on the local Journal: I’ve discovered a quicker way (though tedious) to grab the HTML with the style coding and links menu from on-line! It needs tweaking but hopefully, I’ll be able to run through all the pages… ALL of the pages, and create an off-line back-up.. EXACTLY like the on-line blog! (I also have to work on “Dead Artist”… I started that and never finished. There’s work I want to get done before I “leave”… and Winter is passing by and I’m more depressed and anxious about THAT too! I WANT OUT OF THIS STATE AND OUT OF THIS EXISTENCE. But I don’t think it fair to “leave” whilst here, in this house. OH SO FUCK-ME FUCKED! – Well… time to wind the day down and out. There’s NO offering ANY kind of “help” to any of these people so I’m just going to have to keep in mind: Leave it all alone and dodge further confrontation. Just FEKKEMALL! SERIOUSLY!

Mon. 13.Feb: 8.59 Finally got to “sleep” at about 3.00 this morning. At about 7.45, as I’m dreaming (REM) I hear tap-tap on the porch door. “I’m locked out.” And so… Why bother to go back to sleep? Eh? The day commences. The world is COVERED in what must be OVER a foot of snow. Nothing is running or moving out there. But… Never mind all that. And already, the shit starts: I say, as I’m making coffee: “It’s supposed to flurry through the day.” and only mere moments later I hear: “Is it going to clear up during the day?” Then, I say: “I sent you pictures of Warren Falls and Dorset.” And so the atlas comes out… Says I: “Dorset is across from Glens Falls.” And the reply, as looking at the atlas “Dorset is down by Glens Falls, NY.” Yep… I point on the map to the general area of where Warren Falls is and the briefest moment after, finger on map to the South of where I’d pointed “Why can’t I find Warren?” followed a bit later by “Warren. I guess there’s a falls there.” Let’s NOT pay ANY attention to ANYthing ANYbody tells us. So… change the topic to the Oraville flood in California? That took a brief while to jump the rails too. So? I’m back in the little room, dressed. The day commences. So too, the avoidance of conversation. It’s going to be a LONG day… to be sure. – 21.15:
You speak on topics you know little or nothing about, contradicting me, who has taken the time to study information from more than one source on the matter. As I speak, indeed “as” I speak, you choose to attempt to shut me down, questioning with sarcasm, either full statements or words misconstrued and taken out of the context in which I’ve presented them. And when I explain and describe my research and resources, you take the issue off on some un-related tangent, again, with sarcasm and a bit of personal vitriol until I reach the point of complete and utter saturation, where-by I simply can not and will not tolerate your conscious and decisive ignorance and stupidity. And then, when in exasperation, I find that the ONLY way to make a point heard, though not necessarily listened to, hearkened, is to raise the volume of my voice to levels un-befiting civil discourse, you then spin the situation and contort it to fit your own private agenda and purpose and project your own sense of insecurity and inferiority onto me. After having so done and feeling rather assured of and with yourself, you perpetuate your delusion by speaking ill of me, based solely on the fact that I raised my voice, and you do so repeatedly and broadly, amongst others who have and have not been party to the original issue and topic. THIS i Vermont.
That said, I’m in bed, bed, from whence I’ve seldom strayed all day. I managed a 20-minute nap all day, and not restful, more a “half-nap”, not daring to actually sleep. I DID manage to get quite a bit of coding done on the Journal though, whilst Jacquie “cleaned” her room. Eat? Nothing. I’ve no appetite today. The entire situation here is disgusting and nauseating. I’m fed-up with all of the bull-shit. Fed-up with the sense of “entitlement”. Fed-up with the pompous, arrogant, general bull-shit of those who can’t tie their own shoes portraying themselves as being intellectually superior when, in fact, they know nothing of matters at hand. And when today, this morning, Jacquie had the fucking audacity to say to me “I’m sorry that I’m not as good a friend to you as they were.” referring to Bobo and Lyle Glidden!?!? WELL! THAT just wrapped that package, topped the cake and crumbled the dam that held back the flood of my bile! Of ALL the fucking ignorant and stupid statements to make! DONE! It was then that I came into the little room and re-composed the Grounds-Keeper advert and posted it to the 6 different categories. (I’ll have to look for more places to post it, obviously, because the 2 replies I got already were for “rentals” when, it states clearly, that I am “NOT” looking for a rental. Alas… idiots and morons abound in today’s world.) – It was also a COLD day in the room. I wore the green jacket for most of the day. No, no fire in the stove. And round about 17.00 Jacquie said that she was considering starting a fire but it was “too late” to do so. Too late? I THINK she went in and turned the thermostat up a touch… probably to 62F or something like that. And then said that I could build a fire in the stove tomorrow at some point because she’d be out for “I don’t know how long”. Right. Not. Fuck you… as I’ve come to say many times in the past 24 hours. – Meanwhile, I’m feeling the not eating all day. My system doesn’t fare well when I don’t eat. But I’m now at the “light-headed” and “nauseated” phase of it all. So there’s no “hunger”… just repulsion. Jacquie cooked… breaded fish fillets with rice an peas. It was round about 18.00 or so when she came to knock on the door to say that she’d cooked and if I wanted a beer it was there. (No, she didn’t open one… thankfully… or at least I don’t believe she did.) I didn’t bother myself to stop working on and with the Journal. When I took a bit of a break to smoke, she was sitting at table, with a healthy portion of food on her plate. Good for her. Sincerely. When WE eat, he takes such small portions. At least she ate well tonight. And I believe, because of the dish beside her throne (recliner) she had something after dinner as well. Good. – But when at about 19.00 or so, when I went to the living-room, she appeared to have been crying about something. Oh well… I paid it no attention and didn’t bring it up. I don’t/can’t give a shit. That statement with regard to the Gliddens coupled with the nasty tone when she said that Jes and Kerry give her “moral support” just tossed it all into the shit-box. Ah…and yet, neither of them, Jes or Kerry, appears to be “employed” at present, Jes hasn’t been “paid” in about 3 weeks and is wondering if he’s not been “retired” (BUT won’t investigate… as is “typical” here)… has NO intention of going into the office in So.BTV and plans on “going” only to “therapy” for his alleged “heart” weakness from the stents. Honestly! “Moral support”? And yet Jacquie ALMOST DEMANDS that *I* go with her to the courts for her paper-work (that she’s paid Peter 500$ to do for her) AND to the Sheriff’s office to get the eviction served. AND, in spite of my REPEATED AND RE-REPEATED explanations and descriptions of what she CAN and OUGHT to be doing and asking Peter, she STILL insists that an “eviction” HAS been served… months ago. Seriously? Dim-wits, the lot. They’ve NO slight indication of a trace of any clue as to what the fuck they’re talking about… and yet, they spew their bull-shit at and about me! Jacquie WILL NOT simply ASK Peter if he HAS presented an eviction to the court. “He’s already put the papers into the court.” says she. “What papers?” I ask. “The papers to get them out.” she says. “No. WHAT papers are in the court? Do you have a court date and docket number?” And I get attacked. Fuck off! The absolute stupidity of it all and all of them. I’ve no tolerance left for any of it. – And so, she plants herself in the recliner to boo-hoo. – As I said to her this morning: there’s no need for those two jackasses up the road to avoid this house. I have the little room to stay in and will do so HAPPILY because, as I told her today, I have no patience for their stupidity and ignorance. AND, I stressed the point that I’ll stay in the room and out of the rest of the house comfortably and happily. But, of course, that will all be mangled and manipulated and thrown back at me in a most horrific fashion… soon, I’ve no doubt. – Well, no sense dwelling on it any longer. Thankfully I can vent it here where nobody will ever know but it’s globally accessible. Fuck it all. I suppose I HAD to come to this shit-hole to learn a lesson: As Ev put it, it’s time for me to do what I need to do for me. Having been completely surrounded by entitled stupidity, ignorance, arrogance and general fuckery for all these years… it’s sunk in: FTW! It’s now MY turn to attend to ME… until such time as I meet somebody who will appreciate what I do for others… and that’s not about to happen until I get the fuck out of this state. – Well… 21.50 and the house is still. The fucking ruckus up-stairs was in quite the swing this evening and has stopped. The room is a bit warmer than it’s been all day. My feet, however, are bitter freezing in the sleeping bag. And me? I’ll glean the day’s events on the Twtr for a brief while, having already hit the e-mails and then… lights out. – Jacquie and Lis have to be in Williston by about 10.30 tomorrow which means she’ll begone round about 9.00 or so. Will I be up and about? Probably… Will I be any part of any of it? Absolutely NOT! No doubt I’ll be too busy trying to keep from freezing in this place… again… As I said this evening, to Jacquie: “I’ve had my jacket on most of the day. I’m working on an old journal and thinking of how much it’s like the old days in Richford.” Point made. Point lost. Once again… blown out of my arse. – Amen.

Tue.14.Feb: “Valentine’s Day”. Fucking shit. – 7.23 Imagine this. Early. Why? I don’t know. And this morning is another “I don’t give a fuck” morning.
Gaze upon my garden, where-in I plant and nurture my fucks. For as far as the eye can see, the land spreads out from horizon to horizon, vast and open and drenched by the sun and the rains of the earth. And notice… that my garden is empty.
– Jacquie is in the loo. Heater on and such. Prepping to take to the road. It will be … I almost wrote “a quiet day”. But the twats up-stairs will see to it that THAT will NOT be. There will be banging, thumping and such. – It could be so beautiful out-side this morning, with all the snow on the ground and trees, the sun shining brilliantly in the sky… were it not… Vermont. – I’m off to learning how to create a “menu” on the Journal… CSS. Something new to learn. For what? To serve my own immediate purpose. – Ah… Jes and Kerry give “moral support”. Let’s hope they’ll be there for you when you have to go to court. “Support”. – 2017.14.February – Post (appeared n the DA blog for some strange reason so today, 30 November 2017, at 11.41, I place this notation where it belongs…)
Valentine’s Day 2017
21.51 VT
I should have known better, but I wanted SO much to be fair, to give it all a chance. I should have known when there was no-one to meet me… should have known when the reservation had to be shortened… and I SHOULD have known with the very first sight of the very first place that would actually become “permanent residence”… It didn’t take long for the place to show evil, turn sour. But I continued, in an attempt to be fair and afford more time. It got better… It got worse. And now, it’s just beyond 5 years and in “fairness” I can, with hand on heart, certainly state:
I should have known better… Now? I wait to leave… again. – 23.15 THE ENTIRE DAY IN THE ROOM WORKING ON THE ENTIRE JOURNAL and still not finished. Almost, but not even… Didn’t take time for a coffee or drink of water. 2 loo-breaks and that’s that. Day 2: no eating. – Jacquie said good-bye when she left, not “hello” when she came back. I stayed in the room. She came by at about 18.30 to say that “If you’re hungry, there’s a lot of food in the refrigerator.” I thanked her… – Saw her for a few moments to help with an e-mail in the after-noon and then a few moments for the evening’s news. She dozed off… I came back into the room. – I stumbled upon the DeadArtist blog and had quite the time getting back into the “at live” e-mail account this evening. But it’s up again… the e-mail account. live.com is now all Outlook-ish. Goodness me. I used to trust them. Oh well… I used to trust a lot of things, and people and such. – So now… my soc.med. is done. I’m tired. Not planning on even bothering to change into jammies. I just don’t give a shit. – Not to mention… WOW! WHAT A CHEST PAIN earlier! KABOOM! But… as we see… not fatal… fuck me. – More snow for tonight and tomorrow. And there’s still a LOT on the ground and trees! I TOLD THEM… February.

Wed.15.Feb: 7.40 Lights out by 23.00 and awake by about 6.30 to begin yet another day with general stupidity. Yep, we woke in VT again. But it’s passed… for this trip. And.. must to note, that “moral support” reference? And admission that no, they don’t really “do” anything to help. I shall let the matter die of it’s own accord. – Meanwhile, I’m in … if one can imagine … PAIN. Bowels? Lower back, all around. And almost wanting/needing to vomit. Morning… in New England. – Back to the coding! At least I have that. – 19.19 and the snow is still falling out there. There MUST be WELL OVER a foot, probably more. And it’s forecast to continue through the night. – BUT… after spending another foodless day (day 3 comes to a close)
I’VE FINALLY CLEANED THIS JOURNAL MENU! AND THE PAGES! AND I’VE GOTTEN COPIES OF *ALL* OF THE PAGES THAT I’VE MANAGED TO ACCUMULATE, INCLUDING THE “PRIVATE” AND “DRAFT” AND “COMMENTS”… *ALL* OF IT! I’VE WANTED TO DO THIS FOR THE LONGEST WHILE AND TONIGHT… IT’S DONE!!!
Yes, now I have to RE-do the local copy, new links, add pages and the likes. But I’ve got the on-line cleaned! How wonderful is that? Eh? – And there was little communication with Jacquie all day. I’ve taken the “position” of “live-in hired help”. No sense in getting into all sorts of bull-shit any more. I have a room. I have my chores. That’s that. We DID chat briefly, about my having lost the spot in NY. But… as is usual with all, it “mattered” for as long as the talk went on. Talking done? So too, the issue. Oh well. – And as I copied and typed and re-arranged files, Jacquie cleaned her room. “I’ll need another day.” again. But she’s making progress. (There’s a wood-stove FULL, PACKED with burnt paper to show for her labours. “This stove is going to need cleaning again.” she commented. Yes, indeed it will… but that’s fine… we know WHO is expected to do that. Hopefully she won’t just take the ash and toss it about the yard. It looks pretty out there, all covered in snow. Oh… but there’ll be ash ALL about before she leaves for work tomorrow. I’ve no doubt. Not my yard. Not my house. Not my business.) – My upper right gum is receding from around the last back tooth today and it’s rather painful. I just “pulled” for about 30 minutes… and swallowed the coconut oil (which will probably give me the shits in the morning). It didn’t help. Hopefully there isn’t another cyst forming in there and I’m not looking at another 3-5 days of Hellish pain. I say “Hopefully”. How stupid of me to “hope”. But it comes as no surprise, really… Immune system is probably breaking all apart from no intake other than ONE coffee each day for 3 days. – But too, I must say, that this, the 3rd day, has made the not eating much easier. My body is acclimating very well, as it does, on the 3rd day. Not sure if I’ll eat anything over the week-end. I don’t have an appetite. – When I went out to the parlour earlier, she did say that I should get myself something to eat. Oh well… As if. I think she’s just fearful that I’ll get ill here, in her house. Me? If it comes to the point where things are “bad”, I’ll see to it that I’m taken out of here. No prob. Call 911 and tell them to get me at the post office. No prob at all. – And so now… I suppose I’ll go be “social” for a moment or 2 in the parlour. See Ms. Hallie, who’s been checking me quite often through the day. She must suspect something. Precious little one. But with all the “work” I’ve done today… I’ll have time for her over the week-end. The sweet-heart. – Other-wise, I suspect the thermostat is down again tonight. It hasn’t been all that cold all day, in spite of the snow. Still, there’s a bit of a chill in the room. Another night of sleeping in my clothes… Hey! It’s really convenient in the morning… just wake, get out of bed and roll along. And as for sleeping in my clothes? I don’t care. I’ve done it MANY times before… during the Homeless days and even often since I’ve been in this shit-hole. NOT a prob. – Well… moments of the news and then to sleep. No “late night” tonight. – 21.56 TO BED! – That “cyst” on the upper right is coming in. Thankfully, I have a fresh tube of generic OraJel to take away some of the pain, leaving only discomfort”. Oh well… what-ever. System break-down. I suppose I’ll HAVE to eat SOMETHING sooner or later. We shall see what and when if at all. – Just watched about 45 minutes o the news with Jacquie. Hallie was ALL CUDDLY with me when I sat with her on the sofa. I guess she senses something’s not “right”. Little sweetness. – And, as I type, there are things in the dryer that have been there for at least an hour… and the machine is cycling… “Wrinkle-Guard” or what-ever. I don’t suppose it’s going to be addressed over-night. But then, why should it? Her bed-room is down the hall and spaced by the white room… no sound. I don’t expect it to be stopped but… Time will tell. – Time… time to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be BUSY! MUCH work to be done… 2 buckets of ashes… paper… and what-ever else. I’m not going to kill me over it. Just do what I usually do: Make it comfortable for me.

Thu.16.Feb: 7.49 Day 4. And I’m not hungry. The thought of food is nauseating. I’m tired. Slept well. Went to sleep right after finishing yesterday’s entry. – MORE SNOW this morning! It’s really impressive out there. Deep and still falling. If I had the ambition, I’d take photos. I don’t even have the energy to speak. Nothing worth saying. But that snow is remarkable. To think… Sunday will be much warmer, above freezing. It’s going to be a soggy sort of time to come with all of this. – Oh… to simply not wake up… before Spring comes. I don’t much care any more. – Oh… I’m just in from a smoke. Jacquie shovelled the back walk. The truck is in front of the garage. Why bother to shovel the back walk? I wonder. – 21.47 The day is DONE! The “fast” has been broken with angel hair pasta, a bit of Havarti cheese and salsa… followed by ice cream. And it didn’t take 20 minutes for the RUNS to slam in! One bout. Done. 3,5 days. I did it. AND, I’m down from about 177 to 170 again. How nice. – Jacquie left at about noon. I took an hour’s nap. Then…
Cleaned the counter-tops, took some photos of all the SNOW (it really is amazingly high), cleaned out the wood-stove and put the ashes on the ice patches on the drive, Brought in a week’s worth of fire-wood and stacked it. there’s about a day’s worth left in the garage. Swept the kitchen floor, Hoovered about a bit. Was done by about 15.00 (having napped from 13.00-14.00). THEN, strolled up to the store for the “dinner”. Yes, there’s much food in the fridge. No, I doubt that I’ll have any of it. A point to be made.
Moving along… *I* went out to shovel the back walk again and then shovelled-out the truck, cleaned it off and cleared a walk from the garage door to it. (That was before having eaten anything, I want to note.) Jacquie left via the back door. I say nothing more on the matter. BUT… I can’t help but ponder: Jes and Kerry give her “moral support”? “MORAL SUPPORT”? Neither of them even offered to accompany her to court or to actually participate in her ordeal. Their MAJOR objections to my attitude is that I pointed-out that this matter with the red house COULD and SHOULD have been done MONTHS ago… had she followed “proper counsel”. BUT… SHE chooses to blow “help” off and prefers to take advice from morons who spew bull-shit… or, as she calls it “moral support”, when in fact, they know NOTHING about what they speak of. Then too… when she needed somebody to watch Hallie… they weren’t around. When it comes to bringing more wood in for her in Winter, they’ve never so much as offered (and I doubt they would.. offer or do). They’ve done NO “work” for her around the house, in the way of painting and such. And when Jes DID “do” something…. tilling… he destroyed her back yard because he didn’t have the sense to lift the tiller-blades and dug into the yard by the barn and in the back by the garden. Going back farther, moving the drafting table out of the white room: destroyed that by removing screws that are now lost. And Kerry? Can’t arrive on time for a holiday dinner because she “had” to make all sorts of rounds about Canada before… when she’d been told with enough prior notice at what time dinner was to be served. They’re seldom “on time”… and most often QUITE late. “Moral support”? It’s desperation… nothing other. Oh well… I must… MUST manage my involvement. They’re NOT worth the effort. – Noting too… this morning, as Jacquie was having breakfast or something, the twats up-stairs brought their spore out into the yard with the dog. TWICE I saw the little shit hit the dog in the head with a shovel!!! TWICE! The first time I saw it and spoke on it, Jacquie’s response was a bit of a giggle and “Good thing he’s just a little kid.” Then second time I saw it I simply said “That’s the second time he’s hit that dog. Before I see it again and call the SPCA I’m going to the room.” Nothing… She ALLOWS even THIS shit. Oh well… it is as I say: She gets what she deserves. She allows and enables this shit (and then, as is typical of this state, whines about it… expecting somebody ELSE to attend to matters and make it all better for her). – It’s being surrounded by complete idiots that gets on my nerves here. Complete morons and idiots. Lazy, entitled morons and idiots… surrounded by them. – Well and but… MORE work on the local Journal today. I still have much work to do on it, but I got ALL of the pages and drafts and such converted to html AND the new “nav menu” that has to be worked. there are 149 pages from the site and I’ll add one more with “comments”, rather than adding them to the actual Journal pages. It’s nice to know how much coding I can still remember and how much I can still read. – Got a response to the Groundskeeper advert today. A “58-year old “widow” in the “Plattsburgh area”. (518 telephone number) Sounds sincere. I’ll give her a call tomorrow. A “Robin Winterbottom” from the e-mail address. We shall see. – Tonight, with the thermostat back up to 65F, the room is comfy. The wind is howling out there and there’s the slightest bit of snow still falling (let it continue for a week or two as far as I’m concerned). I won’t burn the bit of wood that’s left… although, with the FOUR buckets of ash I tossed today… MOST of it was paper… and there’s more of that shit that will be burned when Ms.Mme. returns, I’ve no doubt. Anyway, it feels almost strange… I was thinking of sleeping fully dressed again tonight but since it’s warm and cozy in the room… jammies it is. I’ll make a wash over the week-end anyway. Who knows? Maybe I’ll cut my hair, trim my beard and shave too! Ca se peut tu? There’s a bit of an “odour” about me now anyway so…But what a joy to be “comfortably warm”!!! I enjoy it whilst I may. – Meanwhile… the though of the day today:

We’re SO offended by your fellow there, that we’re NOT coming to your house to play anymore.

Fri.17.Feb: 6.36 No alarm. I woke at 6.00, got up at 6.18. Have had my loo, coffee and smoke. Why? Because I have done. It’s rather nice, getting up in the morning at this hour. It’s already quite busy out-side, the idiots already on the roads and showing for what-ever. Workers at the town hall, pulling into the parking lots and such. Trucks round and about And others passing, en route to places away from here, miles away because that’s what has to be done… travel to get to a place of “employment”. Fuck it. Fuck them. – How charming, to wake in a place where that’s how the morning begins: thinking of being surrounded by idiots and thinking “Fuck it. Fuck them.” Well? That’s how it is. – A chilly, grey morning. Still much snow on the ground. I have to get some of it to melt for watering my plants. The tap water is no good. I know this. As “Jes the Brilliant” put it “Maybe the water’s too clean for them.” Or, maybe the tap water is too useless… or tainted. Maybe the water is what makes these idiots so fucking irritably stupid. What-ever the case may be. –
Last night I had thought: I’m bright enough to know when things are bad and what must be done to rectify. I was strong enough to survive “existing” with-out the help of others, in the rains of Summer, sleeping where-ever I could to be out of the rain, on the porch of T7 and such, hiding-away in T6. I survived sleeping on the ground, under trees and bushes, surrounded by poison ivy. I got into a Homeless shelter, got my-self re-employed… I did it ALONE, with-out help (save, Jackie… and Met Council, but I had enough smarts to get to them too). I kept the job in spite of all the odds and managed to save just enough to walk out of that shelter, ALONE, again, get on a plane and travel 100’s of miles away. And I did it… ALONE. – I’m strong enough to put in hard labour, physical labour, much of which I’ve done all my life and much more in these past 5years. – This morning it occurred to me that I’m “non-confrontational enough to have figured ways to dodge the annoyance of conflicts: walking, as with Margot in particular, for entire days, resting in public parks, walking the breadth of The Bronx, travelling to Brooklyn. And often so desperately under- and mal-nourished , so exhausted that the pain of simply “being” caused me to moan aloud… and I’ve done the same shit even here, walking from Franklin to St. Albans, Enosburgh and back, even in sub-zero temperatures and blistering heat. – And I’ve managed, until recently, to put up with the general bull-shit of the likes of those who, as I put it last night here, are so utterly childish and mentally retarded as to prompt the thought:
We’re SO offended by your fellow there, that we’re NOT coming to your house to play anymore.
And why do they behave as such? Because I express my exasperation caused by their absence of sense, common or other-wise, and their utter hypocrisy. How sad… No. How pathetic… them and the situation. Simply pathetic.
We’re SO offended by your fellow there, that we’re NOT coming to your house to play anymore.
– Just before waking… a DREAM this morning:
I was working in a hospital, a nice, clean hospital, something like Calvary. I’d been there quite a while and was comfortable and familiar. I’d been floated to another floor, another until that evening. Gone through report and such and had made my normal, preliminary rounds and when I got to the assignment sheet I noticed that I’d been put on meds! I wasn’t an RN… I had NO business being on meds! I wasn’t qualified and I knew that if I DID give meds and it went well, I’d be fired for having done so, and if I gave meds and something went wrong, I’d be in the civil courts on charges. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe that I COULD, it was more that I knew I shouldn’t. I felt honoured to be thought so highly of that I should be given the assignment, and I felt horrified at the error… especially since I’d been there long enough for everybody to KNOW that I wasn’t to be given the assignment. I told people: You KNOW I’m not technically qualified to give meds! What’s wrong with you? How could this even happen? And the over-all response was them telling me “Oh, you’ll be just fine. Just do it and stop worrying.”
I wonder what brought THAT dream on. Meds? Hospital work? “Just do it and stop worrying.”? What’s on my). mind, in my heart… or… what’s this mean about what’s going on around me? Curious. – Well. 7.04 and another day. Early enough to get things accomplished. There’s coding to be done on the Journal. At some point, a call to that “widow” in NY. A chat with Michele in CT (after years of communicating on Twtr? This could be a make-or-break… But it’ll be “fun”… I hope.) And maybe I’ll get a hair-cut, beard-trim and a shave in today… Maybe. We won’t know how the day goes until it’s done… so… – 22.49 SHOWERED… brief but showered. Jammies. Not clean, but jammies, not clothes. – More pasta, salsa and ice cream for “meal” this evening AND I had a rye-ginger (which did NOTHING to “help”). – No call to Michele today. She sent word via Twtr that she needed to “relax” tonight. Hey… no rush. And I didn’t phone “Robin518” today. I’ll get her tomorrow, during the day. – I DID get snow to melt to water MY plants tomorrow though. Funny, but the fresher snow packed in the soda bottle and instead of actually melting, it evaporated. The packed snow simply got smaller in the bottle instead of melting. But, add a bit of water to it and it’s melting. I’ve got it in the room, by the heat to warm it a bit for tomorrow’s watering. I wish I could figure a way to get and store more. But hey, it’s only February. We could still get more snow for 2 more months. I’m sure the snow will be more welcome by the plants for a while. – AND, I got a LOT done on the local Journal menu today too! This is MUCH more work than I’d expected. But all the documents are in and I’m actually learning more coding as I go along. If I could get a gig or 2 making sites… that would be nice. I wonder… But of course, these in-breeds round here won’t pay for the work… if they want a site at all. So? Maybe I’ll mention it to Ms.Mme. (That’s a certain death of an idea.) – Tomorrow is hair-cut day, to be sure. And tonight, no band-aid on the chest mole. I want to see what it does un-covered and un-medicated. – Message to Ms.Mme. today included mention of “it would be nice to know when the fire-wood will come” on Tuesday so to have the garage door open. But… as I pointed out, that would be “convenient” for stacking and “convenient” isn’t the point. I added (I’m learning.) Also mentioned that it sounded like the twats were re-modeling. (Hey! Poor Hallie took to laying in the front hall-way because of the banging! But again… it’s like trying to teach a mute to sing opera.) – On a happier note: I took Hallie out back in the sun-shine this after-noon and she was SO entertaining! I threw snow-balls up on the large pile of plowed snow and she climbed up to get them! I’m SO sorry I didn’t get any pictures. Maybe tomorrow? (I’m glad I didn’t do any “sculpting” or “snow-thing” making back there… with that little twat-shit… the one that hits dogs with shovels… NO doubt at all, anything built/made would be destroyed… and these retards would giggle or laugh.. or both.) – Time for a quick breeze round the soc.med. and then for a nap. It would be nice to wake at an early hour tomorrow again… get to work on the local Journal. Maybe when I’m removed from this shit-box I can actually turn it into a book. But as I thought about it today… it’s still a “raw” subject… coming to this mistake.

Sat.18.Feb: 8.10 Slept-in. Heard the 7.00 alarm and dozed until… WTF? Why bother? Saturday. I should be able to simply lounge about. Right. No chance. Oh well. Breathing. Tough shit. Eh? And coffee, ‘moke and Hallie’s breakfast are done. And on with another “day that the lord hath made”. Fuck. – 23.57 HAIR CUT! (Though “Vermont” style… quick, half-assed, but cut.) Beard trimmed. Moustache trimmed. SHOWERED. Clothes clean. Just in the dryer. Floors mopped from back door to parlour. There’s no “work” to do in the morning. – Soc.med. for a moment. Then to nap. – Had to put more stuff on the mole though. The “black” is gone but the “trace” is still there. – Productive day. Shovelled the Subaru out. Shovelled in front of the garage. More wood to arrive at 8.00 on Tuesday. Watch… it’ll either get dumped in the back yard or away from the garage door. More “hauling”. But that’s the shit that is this place. Though Hallie had a good time in the snow today. And it was sunny and WARM! 8°! Felt like 15 or more. Forecast for tomorrow: rain an high of 6. Oh well… there goes the snow. – Hey… it would be nice to die in Winter, but I’ll take any season at this point. ADK… where are you? So close… and yet so far away. I NEVER should have come here in the first place.

Sun.19.Feb: 8.34 Heard the alarms and kept dozing until… about 8.00. Up. Dressed. Coffee, ‘moke, Hallie’s breakfast and… that’s that for this morning. The floors got mopped last evening and I’m not Hoovering this morning. I’m doing nothing this morning. The place is “clean”… as “clean” as it’s going to be. – If only… if only I could “slip” back to 1972 or 73. Yes, 73 would be nice. The back seat of a Pinto, Lancer and Palmetto. Or “Brookside Drive-In”, “Nicholas and Alexandra”. Or maybe a night at “the top” of the park. “G’s Nyack”? On a grass-covered hill, frost on my back. If I could just slip back… and stay there. “Heaven”. That’s where it would be. – “There are millionaires in Franklin.” Now to figure how to “share the wealth”. – Next time I’m in pain, or “injured”, perhaps “disability”. I believe we all pay into that account as well… I’ve worked hard, many years. And the likes of the fat little faggot up the road are draining MY account. Am I stupid? Probably. Of course, as is befitting MY existence, I’ll be denied. “Look at you. Slim. Trim. Agile and able.” I’ve heard it before. They’re all a bunch of fuckkups. Especially in this place. – I’ve serious doubts about the widow in the 518. Perhaps I should go with my gut. Maybe Vincent IS sincere in that, come Spring, he’ll have me over to the place, to “fix-up” the “cabin”. – To get the money to get the Subaru on the road. THAT is the goal… no matter how. – Sunday. I MUST be in “bright spirits”. HEY! Keep in mind: It’s like being back in the worst of the Shelter… on a grander scale. That’s all. Focus on what MUST be done… and keep the rants to here… on this silent Journal. One day, somebody just might stumble upon it. After all… there are some 1900, almost 2000 “hits” on it already. (I wonder who keeps coming here. Not that they, nor the “hits”, make any difference. – I continue to think of all the crowd-funding that goes on for those who’ve done considerably less that I, but the rally round them is astonishing. Fact is: all I’ve ever needed was what’s called “seed money”. I got tossed out of house and home with literally nothing… just tossed. And here I am today… the same. Them that’s got shall get, them that’s not shall lose. Oh… to simply slip back… away… away… away………..) – 24.19 (Mon.20. 8.40. I did some notes for today because I was SO fucking tired… Fill-in time.) Well… Jacquie got back to the house at about 14.30 and I’d been working on some WONDERFUL “3D” images of Downing Park for most of the day. Seriously, what Ggl has come up with is quite amazing. Zooming in close to The Top, being able to change the angle, the views the what-have-we. The graphics aren’t perfect and I’m sure it’s all “computer-generated” (I dread to think of some drone buzzing about taking all these angles and photos and the likes), but WOW! The view of The Top and the White House and such is almost shocking! But there it is! Even to the spot where Dennis, Speedie, Bubby, Jasper and Bernadette used to sit in the evenings! AND… of course, I strayed about a bit and into town, to Broadway. WHAT a fucking mess that old town is! Swatches of empty lots, now just grasses where houses and businesses used to be. It angered me for a while and then I had to remember the fact: I have NO connection to that dump any longer and nothing to say about it. It’s been over-run by strangers, aliens, who mean it no good and are bent on tearing it all down. As Mum used to say: The only hope is to bull-doze and start over. They’re working on it. Wipe it all out, leave no trace and create something completely un-related. Oh well… And thanks to technology, I buzzed over to see the little house where the Internet claims Dennis is residing. E Parmenter. Even that area is strange now… mostly torn down, vacant lots. But the house is cute. I vaguely recall having been there… on the out-side, never in. So he’s been there for quite some time now. Hopefully (at the age of 66) he’s safe and comfortable. (I’ll NEVER be able to forget or let go of what those fucking Mexicans did to him… smashing his skull! Fucking wet-backs. May they and theirs rot into Infinite Eternity!) And, since I was “in town”, a quick jaunt over to S. Johnson where, again… SO much has been torn down. Nr.3 is still there, looking almost nothing like it used to, like it should. Closed and desolate. Ah.. but there’s this “new endeavour” going on: Downing Park Urban Farm. Fucking morons, the lot of them. Over by the old potters’ shed and greenhouses. Apparently the aliens have gone and reclaimed the lot, torn down the old greenhouses and are now claiming to create a “farm” where the “inner city” shit can raise crops! Thus farthey’ve managed to plant and harvest… garlic. WooHoo! AND they’ve posted an RFP for some “individual or organization” to take full responsibility for its continuation. Yep… So… from the aerials of The Top I see that MY WORK up there is all but non-existent. The flowers are gone and the rose garden is now over-grown again. The old potters’ shed where Erol “resided” that Summer when I was “back in town” still stands BUT… when I wanted to turn empty lots into Community Gardens, how they fought against me… but today? An “urban farm”? Fuck the lot of them. Mental deficient, as they are. hateful and spiteful… very much like the entire state of VT. I wonder. I need to let all of THAT go… and stick to the times and places that were (and in my heart remain) “*good*”. – ANYWAY… that’s what I’d been doing when Ms.Mme. arrived and where I went back to shortly after. And so, the after-noon was rather “calm” (because “I stayed in my room”). – As the day rolled on, well, of course, her little “friends of moral support” WON’T come to her house to play because the big old nasty bastard (me) is here and they’re SO “offended”. Round about 17.00 she said it was time to eat. Apparently she’d not taken time (as she’ll do) to eat so into the fridge for the left-overs that I didn’t touch all week-end (since I had my angel hair pasta and salsa… and such). I “cooked”. Diced a bit of onion which got sautéed in butter and a little olive oil with the peas. The rice got heated and the 2 bits of fish got “warmed” and that’s what we had… Ice cream followed. Yes… I “ate”. (It didn’t digest though… and was like a painful stone in my chest and gut through the night… which might explain the night-mare?) With “dinner”, she had had some wine and was open about troubles at work, owing income taxes this year and other such. The troubles at work involve her “Nanoo” bitch from the Congo, who resides in Montréal and has had a spore. As is “common”, particularly in this Retard Asylum State, Ms. Alien gets the special attention and treatment… exceptions abound, and it “bothers” Ms. “Christian” here. Clueless… Oh well. Truth: She (Jacquie) really can’t say too much lest she be tossed from her job because that’s how shit floats round these here parts these days. Fucking repulsive, but fact. And then, (I’m just going to note here for reference’ sake) she mentioned that her “Pumpkin” is doing poorly in hospital. From the description of Sx I asked if she had MRSA and suggested that it may have passed into the brain. She, Jacquie, says she’ll “mention” it when she calls into work. (Me? Sounds like Bob T. when HE had the very thing… and went to Calvary… and I listened to Barbara complain that they, Calvary, weren’t checking his blood sugar and giving him ice cream… and the general waiting to be cured, etc.) We shall see what comes of this… what-ever that may be. – Worth a mention too is a bit of “chat” she had on the phone with somebody which leads me to think and believe that she’s actively looking to sell this place and move. She was mentioning “bed-rooms” and taxes, expenses and prices. Hey! I NEED to get the fuck out of and away from here anyway but now I need to do so quicker and quickly. INCENTIVE to MOVE! But I imagine she’ll need to sell this place off first… needs to sell the red house AND this one. (Although, I’m thinking “logic”… which I know doesn’t come into any head in this state. We shall see… and I STILL MUST GET THE FUCK AWAY!) – This evening she started the wood-stove… ONE MATCH because I’d set it all up. ONE MATCH and there was a fire… and the wood-waste re-commenced… stuffing more and more and more into the stove as if wood it limitless… But of course… it’s because it’s convenient… and it’s convenient because I brought it all into the kitchen. Oh well… Dense is dense and you can’t fix stupid. BUT… the “little room” has gone back to uncomfortably cold… “She’s back.” and too, the cold. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and… comfort. Hold on. Hold out. Hold please. This too, shall pass. – And so, the after-noon passed into the evening and the evening into night. Dishes went into the washer and the kitchen emptied as we went to the parlour (for a little while). – I spent more time working on the screen-captures of The Top and putting more info and a “post” on the Mr. G’s blog. – The James Blunt song “1973” has me travelling back to G’s, and The Park a LOT of late. And the memories are, of late, actually PAINFUL! What truly “hurts”, more than anything else in my life-time is the realisation of the fact of reality: EVERYTHING IS GONE! LITERALLY! GONE! It’s impossible to get into a car or such, and travel “back” to “there” because “there” isn’t “there” and “back” isn’t there. It’s SO GONE that it never really existed. It’s a sickeningly frightening reality to face now. Painful beyond expression. Literally, actually and factually… GONE… NOTHING! No buildings, people, the park is changed so much that it isn’t “ours”… the places that used to be buildings along Broadway are flat, empty, grassy “open spaces” (as the fucktards refer to the empty lots there). G’s is SO gone and those who knew it are either dead (gone) or moved out or so few and far between that, well… non-existent. If I were to go to “there”, IF Dennis is still around, he’d be the connection with the rest. But even then… there’s no “connection” with/to the dead. And so many are just that. Ah… it’s painful… it truly is. And it makes me wish, all the more, all the stronger… to let my head just slip away… slip back in memories to those “GOOD” years and moments. Maybe one day, I’ll just get back to the dance floor, the bungalows, the stone house, the main house… and that’s where I’ll stay until my soul escapes from all of this bull-shit and “WE” can “ALL” meet again. THAT is what I want now… If I’m going to have to be stuck here, and now, where I am… at least, in my mind and soul, I have my “escape”… THAT is what I want… now. – Time to glean the soc.med. and head away for a night’s nap. Now I lay me down to …. sleep forever and a day. I pray. – (9.27 Monday… and that’s done… caught-up…. move along to…)

Mon.20.Feb: 8.29 HORRIBLE night, last night. An “awake night-mare” of sorts. Hearing voices out-side the window. At one particular point, it seemed that there were shadows passing across the window, from the out-side. Then window went dark, as if somebody was standing in front of that light on the PO across the road. It was probably me, trying to open my eyes in the “half-sleep”. But it did feel quite “real” and was almost frightening, especially when I “hear” somebody say “Hey hey baby!” from out-side the door, or window or some-where close by. And as I laid, in the dark, contemplating getting the lead pipe and heading out, I finally fell back to sleep… until… Heard the 6 and 7.00 alarms and laid in the bed, not wanting to wake (as usual) until about 7.45. And now… loo, coffee, smoke and Hallie’s breakfast, a brief chat with Jacquie and HIDING back in the room. – This morning: “Last week I heard the furnace running almost constantly.” says she. Well, when the temperatures are in the double-digit minus? “But I didn’t hear it once all night last night. So I got up and checked to see if there’s hot water. We can’t be out of oil yet. But there’s hot water so I don’t know…” (I do… The thermostat is set for something like 58 or 59F. The “little room” has been cold again since you’re back. Typical… And this morning she’s shoving what little wood is left into the stove. “Conserve” the oil but not the wood. They’re “common”, “typical”, these morons here. Proof to the fact: You CAN’T FIX STUPID! – I need to let it all go… it’s NOT my mental illness. (I have enough of my own of those.) – Speaking of which: I MUST say that, with all this work on the Journal and the G’s blog, indeed it DOES seem I might be getting my final desire… to slip back to the early 1970’s… and stay there. It feels as such… and I’m not going to do anything to stop it. “Say good-bye to Hollywood. Say good-bye my baby.” These days of the present are fading… let’s all go back, to a night at the park and a week-end at G’s. – 9.28 Done with yesterday’s “catch-up”. Odd… it’s some-how easier to Journal what’s obviously becoming a “consuming depression”. But… as I typed, Ms.Mme. chatted on the phone in the ktichen. The twat-trash up-stairs banged and thumped about over-head. And all’s the same with the world today. (I’ve got much work to be done on this Journal AND a few pages on the G’s blog… So it’s time to “go back in time”… again. Good bye to fucking “now”. “I travel my mind and into my heart… Nobody knows when I go that far”.) – 20.53In bed because tomorrow is a “Woodhauler” day. Hopefully I’ll be able to get to sleep and STAY asleep, calmly and quietly through the night tonight. – Made it through a day of no “conflicts”. How charming. AND I managed to get a working nav for the “draft” pages on the local Journal! It’s to be a matter of “copy-paste” tomorrow… hopefully. – It was a “mixed” day of weather. Mostly cloudy and chilly and damp and then clear, sunny and crisp. And tonight it clear and snappy out there. But oddly, the room is warm… I wonder how and why that is. There’s been a fire in the stove all day and of course, MUCH of the stacked wood is gone. HOW it gets into the stove, with all the paper, is anybody’s guess, but not mine. I don’t and can’t care. I’m just thankful for no conflicts and confrontations. (*Note: MOST of that is because I’m actually getting to the point where I won’t get into anything that might even slightly be contentious. What a sad state. But… “You can dance in a hurricane, but only if you’re standing in the eye.” I must… MUST remain “in the eye”… at ALL costs.) – We had a nice dinner of under-cooked salmon with rice, sweet potato and cooked spinach. Sufficient. Just had a bit of ice cream as well. “Intake”. I’ll be happier for it tomorrow… IF the idiot shows with the fire-wood. – At about 19.00 the twats up-stairs (I’d typed a more appropriate descriptive but since this will be on the Internet… one MUST censor) began the “routine” with the occasional “CRASH” on the ceiling. But Ms.Mme. simply allows, permits, enables and supports such ill-mannered nonsense. Mine is the responsibility to GTFO SOON! (Hopefully the car will start tomorrow and run well enough. I’m in the midst of a decision: to use the 40 I have for gas or for smokes… I’m out of smokes so I have to decided here… although there’s still quite a lot of “re-smoke” to be rolled, so…) – Hallie is having trouble with her left, rear paw. She can’t walk in the snow. She’s fine round the house inside and on the ground, but keeps lifting her left rear leg in the snow. Poor, precious little creature. I hope it’s nothing serious. Ms.Mme. doesn’t seem to be too concerned. But as I said to her today “You’ll have to see it for yourself.” Perhaps tomorrow morning.. IF SHE lets Hallie out in the morning before I get out of bed… which shouldn’t happen because I want to have the garage door open by 6.00 or 6.30 latest. – Other-wise, I’m trying to “stay in 1972-1973” at all times. They weren’t perfect years but they were safe, in so many ways. G’s. Dennis. Even Kingston. I need to stay there… I know I can’t go back to them… but as years number double in digits and days in triple, there is where I want to be… and where I want to go to… THAT would be my “Heaven”. Nobody here has any idea of what I’ve been through in my life-time and even with the bits I’ve actually spoken on, nobody here gives a shit, a fuck or a damn… good, bad or other-wise. And that is how it’s going to stay. None of their business and I don’t give a shit, a fuck or a damn about them. – One note: Jes dropped by this evening. Jacquie invited him to stay a bit. He declined. He grumbled a “Hello” to me as he stood at the door. Hey! Nobody “needs” to speak to me. In fact, I enjoy it more when they don’t. It makes my existence that much more peaceful. But… I still keep in mind:
“Your friend there offended us so we’re not going to come to your house to play.”
Sad… Truly very sad. – That said, Ms.Mme. is just awaking from her doze on the recliner. She dozes, I come to the room. But tonight, the door is closed and I’m in jammies and sleeping bag… ready to put the light out for the night. (Just waiting for the BANG BANG BANG at the wood-stove, which will be coming shortly, I’ve no doubt. And then… WRAP THIS DAY!) – Addendum at 21.18…. BANG BANG BANG… BANG BANG BANG… (I KNOW of what I speak… and type.) SO UN-necessary… completely and utter UN-necessary. But… ’tis the feebleness of mind that makes this place what it is.

Tue.21.Feb: 7.48 Yeah… the 5.30 alarm… the 6.00 alarm… the 7.00 alarm. What was I thinking? Thought of getting up at 6.00 and opening the garage door so the wood could be delivered IN the garage. But at 5.30 it occurred to me: it would probably be dumped and something would get crushed. Not that there’s all that much in the way. But this is VT and calamity waits to happen here. So, I turned the alarm off and dozed… with each “bling-da-ding”. But at 7.00, well, came the BANG and it was “time”. The wood-stove… cleaned out and BANG. Another day begins. – Frosty out there this morning. Sun. But frost on the cars. Ice on the drive. February. Still. But not for much longer. Oh well. I’ll take it relatively easy until… IF (the wood actually gets delivered). Then, music, garage and something to keep me “occupied” for a while. No rush today. – Meanwhile, Ms. is in the kitchen, going through… paper, sitting at table, coffee and… paper… and the stove is fired-up with… paper. Another day. – And, as is the normal commencement of any day, I stood out back, having my smoke and thinking: I’ve GOT to get the fuck out of here. – Another day. – 9.40 wood’s here off to haul. – 23.12 I really am exhausted so…
wood arrived 9.15
9.56 I was out there with the G’s music playing.
Done by about 13.15.
Feels GEAT to look at the work
I took 2 naproxyns when done
back is OK but I’m exhausted
GOOD DAY all told
nice lamb dinner, rice, spinach. Ice cream
watched a bit of tv
but MUST get to sleep NOW!
Not even checking soc.med.
(On Wednesday morning, 7.43) To my rather amazement, the fire-wood DID arrive today. And even more, it WAS delivered to the garage. But instead of being here at 8.00, it came at about 9.15. Jacquie had to call to “remind” Stanley. But it was there, in a pile, when I looked out the window… waiting. Stanley and Jacquie chatted for a bit. I heard them through the wall, and waited until the “chatting” stopped and then went out to the kitchen, dressed and ready to roll, music queued and the 70’s ready for another day. By 9.40 the day commenced. – The snow-melt had frozen in front of the garage door so it was a bit on the “threatening” side. But it HAD to be done… the wood HAD to be stacked and so… I began, 2 pieces at a time. The “G’s Juke Box” playing away… softly enough. And I just kept moving along. But about 13.15 the work was done, the wood was stacked, the “kindling” separated and piled and the garage and drive, swept. The rubble, rubbish bits got shovelled and put out by the barn. My back went a bit stiff because it was cold out there, so I came in, made a “café bots” and took 2 naproxyn. But WOW! What a delightful feeling to look at it all and SEE the results of the work. Not to mention, since I did it slower than usual, 2 pieces at a time instead of using the hay cart, it took longer and appeared to be much more effort than it should, would, could have been. Very nice, that. AND… I got thanked. (When I looked into the cup-board for a pack of smokes, there were 2 there again. I thanked Jacquie for them and she replied: It’s the least I could do. I AM thankful.) So, naproxyn, coffee and a smoke after a good day of a good day’s work. – Jacquie went back to cleaning her room. (It’s taking so long for her to get through that, but… at least she’s doing it and not I.) And I? I browsed about the Internet for a while, on the bed. – At about 17.00, we had a nice dinner. A lamb shank (Costco), rice, spinach, corn pudding (as it were). Ice cream after, and then settled to watch some television for a bit. – It was about 21.00 when the day began rolling down and out. (To the percussion of the twats above, of course… When it’s time for “people” to settle down at day’s end… the twats rev it up with boom boom bang thud thump bull-shit. Trash is trash.) TV channel went to “Catholic” news for a while, I took Hallie out for a final smoke and by about 23.00, the house was settled and we were all in for the night. – As I noted: Exhausted! I was just exhausted! SO much so, in fact, that I didn’t bother to complete the entry for today here AND I didn’t bother to surf about, no e-mails, no weather, no soc.med. Just OUT! Maybe it was the stacking. Maybe it was the naproxyn. Maybe it was Memphis. What-ever it was… it was exhausting. – Another day… done, gone, in the past. Good bye. Good luck. Good riddance. And the band plays on.

Wed.22.Feb: 7.39 WHY am I awake at this hour? Even more… WHY am I breathing… at all? – Grey skies. Porch thermometer reading in the 30sF. Winter is slipping away. But time isn’t going by quickly enough. – Jacquie at the kitchen table putting a granny square afghan back together. And in my mind it’s the 1970’s again… as usual. (Yep… I’m stuck… and travelling back. How nice. One of these days I’ll get there… and I’m not coming out of it.) – I jotted notes before going to sleep last night. Time to “fill in the blanks”. – Oh my… the touch-pad on the lap-top isn’t working this morning. Thankfully, the mouse is. Just something else to fall apart. – 8.01 There. Yesterday’s details are done. And it’s only 8.00. – I’ll have the house this after-noon. Odd… I could use a trip to the market for coffee. I’d like to get gas for the Subaru. But… if asked if I’d like to go with her to BTV today (“staff meeting”)… no, not really. Sitting about in the truck whilst she socialises and such for HOURS? Nah… Oh well.. All things in due course. (I might get a nap in today… I’m tired this morning.) – 22.14 THE “NAV PAGES” for the Journal are DONE! WOW! Worked all day on them… AFTER REPAIRING A GRANNY SQUARE ON A BLANKET THAT JACQUIE’S MUM HAD MADE FOR ONE OF JACQUIE’S SONS! THAT TOOK ABOUT 2 HOURS TO DO BECAUSE I HAD TO CUT THE GOOD SQUARE OUT OF THE BLANKET AND THEN RE-WORK THE ROW, BUT HAD TO DRAW THE “DC” CHAIN BACK THROUGH THE OPEN STITCHES ON THE ROW ABOVE. BUT IT LOOKS AS IF IT WAS ALL ORIGINAL (OF COURSE)! – Jacquie left at about noon and I was still working on the blanket but at about 13.00 I was done and back to the off-line Journal where I FINALLY made a “template” and copied the original docs to the template doc and YAY! Got most done before Jacquie rolled in at abut 17.30. – She cooked, making some sort of “gravy” of burger and mushrooms which we had over mashed potatoes… with a salad (for greens). Quite delish. – After eating… a bit of TV during which she fell asleep, of course. And round about 21.00 I took Hallie out for a ‘moke. When we got back, Jacquie was getting ready for bed. – Oh… to mention: Up-stairs tonight? TOTAL TRASH! I don’t know how Jacquie manages… to put up with it? Yes I do… MONEY. Oh well… – So then, 21.45 I was in the bed and finishing the coding for the Journal. – Aside from this? Just another bull-shit day in the shit-hole. – Now… a VERY quick skim through soc.med. and lights out. I’m TIRED!- Addendum: Jacquie’s court date on the 24th? Postponed to 14 March. She mentioned it and got another little dose of “You know nothing about my past but you’re ALL so quick to think me a complete shit4brains. So there’s no use in asking me about anything because you don’t believe me anyway.” I leave it all at that.

Thu.23.Feb: 8.06 And… the day begins with… septic tank troubles. A “shitty” day to be sure. Seems the “alarm” sounded at about 6.00, perhaps indicating that the tank is “full”. Well, the town is full of shit, why not the septic tank? So somebody will be here to check or pump or something, at some point during the day. Always something. – Me? I woke at about 5.00 and just laid in the bed, half awake, half asleep until about 7.00. Heard the alarm. Heard Jacquie in the loo. She’s just left for work. The “week-end” commences. And I can’t help but think: last year the furnace went… I was here. She was not. This year, the septic goes. I am here… She is not. Alas. Always “something”. And just this morning, the thought was (before I heard the shitty news): Lyle called this town the “stone tea cup”, and I think of it more as the “chamber pot”. Well… indeed. (I have to wonder: could the “trouble” be disposable diapers? I mentioned it to Jacquie. “I hope not.” she said. “Hope”? You have that? Right then. We shall see.) – Nothing can be done about it. It happens. It’s happened. Let the day roll on. – One note though: For the past couple of days, the line from the song “Homeless” keeps coming to mind:
“I travel my mind and into my heart. Nobody knows when I go that far.”
1972. 1973. That’s where I’ve been for the past few days, if not weeks. And true: Nobody knows when I go that far. – 22.34 The BANGING up-stairs has FINALLY come to and end!!! And I am in bed, SHOWERED! – The day? A waste. jacquie left atabout 8.00 this morning and I rather sluggishly got to the “chores” of tidying the kitchen and then cleaning out the wood-stove… even to the “combustor”. Stacked wood in the kitchen (the temperature is supposed to drop from today’s 16 to 0 tonight… but the thermostat is set at about 65F so it’s warm in here tonight… no fire necessary) and set the stove up for “1 match” start when necessary. THEN… Hoovered the floors as much as I could with plug in the kitchen (room, dining-room, kitchen) and a mop! Why mop? I don’t know because, out-side it’s muddy and every time Hallie goes out, there are tracks on the floor. In fact, I’d JUST done the floor, let her out and she walked ROUND THE FUCKING kitchen table and left mud! Seriously? Seriously! I wiped them up, but to no avail. The floor’s dirty again, between her and I going in and out. Oh well. – And then a snooze for about an hour with the “snews” on the TV. – Dinner was a t 17.30 for both Hallie and I. Left-overs for me. Not enough, but something. After, ice cream that I finished that was already crystalised. And then… a beer and a rye-ginger. (I’m rather tired as I type now. ) News. A message to Jacquie. More news. And a couple of smokes between. – It was a warm day. The doors open. It was a warm evening. But the heat HAS to be turned up tonight. The fire-wood is wet and the temperatures are supposed to drop until Saturday. THEN, on Sunday… zero for the high. Oh well… It’s still “Winter” and not yet July. – Other than this, there’s really nothing much to say. – Oh… first thing I heard this morning when I got to the kitchen? Trouble with the septic tank. Well, it was about 10.00 when there was a knock on the door. Nice young fellow (indeed) tells me that it was: There are 2 floats in the tank, both attached to a pipe, something similar to a water pump in a well. 1 float starts and stops the pump to the leach field and the other is an alarm for when something’s “wrong”. Well, seems the 2nd float, as he put it, “fell off the tree”. So, in the time it took him to explain what was wrong, it was repaired. Tah-dah! No digging and hours of such stuff and all sorts of what-ever. Done. I can continue washing clothes, showering and the likes. Relief! – And now? 22.46… time to wind this day down and out. – Poor Hallie’s out in the hall out-side the door. The noise up-stairs keeps her from the bed-room. Trash… Twats… and tonight I must call it what it is… niggers. White? Yes. But niggers still the same. And I know why Jacquie puts up with it: If she says anything to them, they, being what trash they are, will move out and probably not buy the house on the Square rd. She wants the money… and she’s willing to forfeit her human dignity for it. Ah well… trash comes in all colours, shapes, sizes and nationalities… etc. – Me? I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! – Tomorrow, if all goes along, I’ll send a message to VdP to see if the offer for Spring still stands. If yes? I’ll be renewed and hopefully. If no? I’ll do what I must… what-ever that is… to get the fuck out of this state… one way or another. – I’m hungry… but more tired than hungry. Store tomorrow… I should think.

Fri. 24.Feb: 8.32 Late start to a day that’s full of… shit, and begins with the “normal”, average thought: I HAVE to get the fuck out of here. – A bit on the grey side. Not too cold. But the house is delightfully, almost “too” warm. Thermostat set at 65F and yet, quite warm. Very nice. And good to dry out the fire-wood which is rather wet because of the ice that was on some of it. Ah yes… there was ice on it when I stacked it, ice when I brought it into the kitchen… and nobody else has the slightest idea. Not important, I suppose. Just more work that goes un-noticed. It makes no difference… in the rest of the world. They don’t know until they have to deal with it themselves. And even then… – Ah well… another day.. back to 1973. Let’s see if I can’t get this Journal to local today, back it up and have done with it. Shall we then? Indeed. – 23.17 Showered and in bed AT LAST. – Worked ALL day on the local Journal. MANY MANY errors in the nav. How? I don’t know. Oddly, April 2013 was the worst. Links out and in. But I believe I’ve gotten them corrected. Now? Sept. 2012 and the “Silas Issue” page. If I was able to put an “include” for the nav. But at this point, I’m not going through all of that. I just want it done. – Quiet day. Grey. Chilly. But having the thermostat up that 5 extra degrees keeps it “comfortable” in this place… at least I have the week-ends where I’m “comfortable”. Better than before when it was “never”. – There was banging at about 15.30 today. Lasted about 90 minutes and then went quiet. I found out why it was quiet when, at about 22.15, Hallie and I went out for “last ‘moke”… and a truck pulled into the drive. They’d been gone all day. Came back and at 22.22 (I looked at the clock on the TV screen… “Hannity”… the banging and shit began. In fact, even now, 23.22, there’s still “thumping” and shit going on. Mention it to anybody? Makes no sense. Fucking shit-bags round here will merely hold it against me… if they have any response at all. – And so, on that note, as I hear the moving of shit and pounding of feet over-head… even though THEY’RE in the house-proper and I’m in the “attached” room… I’ll see what I can do to occupy my time until the niggers finally settle. (And yes, I’m going to keep the term in this text, even posted to the Internet because, well… I call them as they are, and that’s exactly what they are… “White niggers”… or, as was a term a while back “Wiggers”. They’re considerably lower than plain White Trash.) – 23.38 And the moving of furniture rumbles on. Well… I’ll just send a brief note to Ms.Mme. asking “Moving furniture at 11:45pm is necessary? And leave it at that. Perhaps when the message arrives there on her phone a little “ting-a-ling” will disturb HER sleep too. – I NEED to send a message to ask Vincent if he’s still considering having me on the property over there. If not…

Sat.25.Feb: 00.33 two messages sent to Ms.Mme. The banging and shit have finally stopped. Nap time? Maybe – 8.06 Dressed. At the kitchen table. Coffee. Loo. Smoke. Hallie’s had breakfast and “pinkle”. – Strange sort of morning. The windows are “fogged” from last night’s mist. Not cold. Not hot. Comfortable. To think, tomorrow’s “high” will be zero. And as I saw yesterday, on-line: this is the last full week of “Meteorological Winter”. Winter is all but gone. Another one. And soon, so too, the month of February. AND… still in this shit-state. Things must change… soon! – FINALLY got to sleep at almost 1.00 this morning. And I heard the first of the 3 alarms this morning. Exhausted. It’s very much like the nights (8.10 and the phone rings?) in the shelter. – Yes, the phone rang… the machine picked up and before the message was into the first full sentence… “click”. Here we go… again. – Let’s see if there is a reply to lat night’s messages. – As I say: it’s very much like the nights in the shelter… never knowing what bang, when, where, why… Things MUST change… soon. – 8.38 WOW! THE STOMPING IS IN FULL GLORY ALREADY! Can’t tell whether it’s hammering or foot-stomping. But it’s really quite constant. I’ll suppose Ms.Mme.’s notified the niggers and this is their response. I can’t help but think it’ a concerted effort… Well… today the message goes out to Vincent… and re-post to Crgslst. If nothing… the warmer weather is coming… time to take off… no matter what. –
***** 10.40 MESSAGE TO VINCENT SENT!!! NOW TO GET THE CAR TO WHERE IT CAN ROLL ALONG… AT THE VERY LEAST, ONE WAY BACK TO NY!!! *****
(Oddly enough, after expected one-liner reply to all the bull-shit of banging here and the colon-licking tone on it, the place WAS rather calm for a while… UNTIL I clicked “SEND” for the message to Vincent and BOOM! HERE we go AGAIN! Well… Now begins the praying, hoping and Heaven-storming, begging, pleading and wishing… NO MATTER WHAT AND/OR HOW… if word comes to get over to NY… I’M GONE FROM HERE!) – 21.20 No signal on the TV. Snow. WET snow. – I managed to get the Journal “done”… or, well, I believe I got it “done”. So I now have a full version, clean, on the lap-top. It was supposed to be to help with the next book. But the truth of the matter is: Trying to make the situation here something “up-lifting”, even at the beginning, is difficult. I know too well, where it leads and it’s just so damned difficult to make something worth reading out of it. Depressing. Maybe one of these days, if I ever get removed from this, it’ll happen. But for now? I have the Journal. It took me almost the entire day. – Next? Well, it was a warm, but over-cast day all day. At about 15.00 I checked the forecast and it was for rain to begin at about 16.30. So I went out back, raked the old potash neatly into the drive way, hoping that, if the forecast was correct and we’d go down to freezing tonight. the chunks would provide some sort of “texture” to keep the ice from becoming slick. As I strolled the yard, I noticed some old limbs on the old maple that needed to come down. So… I took the extension saw and… well… for the most part, the loose limbs are down. How kind of me. I didn’t knock myself out. I don’t really have the “care” anymore. All things here considered… especially the fucking banging up-stairs (which, by the way, at 21.26, is going at full throttle again after a couple of hours of silence… it’s time for “normal” people to settle in for the night. Meanwhile, above, the niggers begin their nightly routine of native tribal stomping). Ah… by about 16.20 I was done and back in the house and by about 16.30… RAIN! It was delightful, to be honest. AND, the niggers had gone out so the house was pleasant… for the while. I made some franks for me for “meal”, and at 17.00, Ms. Hallie and I were in the parlour… she, having “snax” and I having franks with a little “corn pudding”. I even got to take a bit of a 20-minute nap on the recliner! I THOUGHT I’d be watching some TV this evening. Oh well… – Dishes washed and put up, the kitchen straightened… at about 20.15 a message to Ms.Mme. Just to account for the day. I can’t even get myself to bother with her. When it comes to the niggers, she’s a slouch. – Now, my heart an soul hang on a reply from Vincent. If not? Done. – OH! I STARTED THE SUBARU AND LET IT RUN WHILST I TRIMMED THE TREE! IT STARTED RIGHT UP… IMMEDIATELY! AND BOTH HEAD-LIGHTS ARE WORKING. I MOVED IT TO A BIT OF HIGHER GROUND TOO. YES, IT MAKES SQUEAKING NOISE WHEN IT ROLLS, BUT IT STARTED! I’M SO RELIEVED!!!! – And so, the rain continued and at almost 21.00 exactly, I noticed that I couldn’t hear it any more. Looked out the window… SNOW. The temperature dropped quickly. Good thing… I started the fire in the wood-stove. ONE MATCH again! Now, as for the new fire-wood… it doesn’t really “burn”. Probably a bit too wet and some of it, as I pointed out to Ms.Mme., some is rather “green”. But it got the stove hot and as I sit at the kitchen table, I can feel some warmth. Not a “raging” fire, but warmth… and hopefully, it’ll keep the dampness out. The thermostat was set back down this afternoon because it was about 18° today. Right now though, it’s about 6°. – Have had a beer. The TV signal is still out. 21st Century technology. I’ll probably just go shower, put my clothes in to wash and dry. No telling when Ms.Mme. will be returning tomorrow. It’s supposed to be sunny but very cold again. Hopefully she won’t pull her shit about a road trip to MTL. She wants to go to Schwarz’s. Me? I don’t give a shit. I have no real desire to go… and if we DO go North, I’d like to go on a day when the banque is open. I’ve held onto the 40 for this long (I’m down to about 4 smokes until… and hoping 2 packs will be coming up tomorrow… “hoping”… what a shit4brains I truly am) and it would do me more good in the account than any-where else. But… because it would mean more to me… no doubt, tomorrow will be “Let’s go”. Fuck. I’m tired, after a week-end of nigger-banging. And I doubt tomorrow will be a “delightful” day. (I have to find another distraction… another “web-site” to work on or something.) – 21.39 Funny, no TV but I have Internet. – Message from Ms.Mme.: “may be working a little late tomorrow”. Great. Fine. No trip to MTL. But smoke? I’ll do what I can. – 21.48 Message to Ms.Mme. and now? Still no TV. – 23.50 Not quite mid-night. I’m showered, teeth brushed, not shave tonight, but CLEAN! Jammies are washed. Clothes are just finishing in the washer and when they go into the dryer? I go into the sleeping bag. – Nice to know I won’t HAVE to get up early in the morning tomorrow. – I should note, just for the sake of noting, that Bobo’s got a truck… or something slightly resembling a “truck”. Orange. Seems the “Rav4” is no gone too. Cleaning that house of all things “Glidden”. (As Jacquie said: Poor Lyle… all he wanted was somebody in his life who loved him…. he got Bobo… who just about abused him but most certainly used him.) A little “Toyota” sort of “truck” thing. Let’s not be “too manly”… New floors. New windows. The “Hotel Glidden” sign down. The car, gone. Dixie, gone. I’m surprised he hasn’t had the place fumigated and exorcised… but I suppose there’s time for that to come. Poor Lyle. Indeed. – Well, other than that, the TV went off at about 22.30. No sense. No “signal”. The stove is going nicely and HOT. The house isn’t all too uncomfortable tonight, although the “chill” is coming back. Thermostat down again. No prob. And there’s no thumping, hammering, banging or other-wise in the rest of the place… (yet?). Hopefully they didn’t get TV either and got so bored they all went to bed. (One of these cold night’s Ill figure how to cut the heat zone… “Oh my!” I’ll be heard to say… when hypothermia puts them all to “snooze”. – Well… 24.00 and the wash is done. So too… this day.

Sun.26.Feb: 7.42 Up. Re-start stove. Coffee. Loo. Hallie. Dressed. Done. Morning. Cold. Light snow on the ground. Sun shining. Done. Quick mop to the floors needed. And I’ve got no mood for any of it. Mood? For what? Nothing. – I need bath soap and under-wear. Smokes. Need to file my nails. Need to get out of here… one way or another. Too cold right now for “another”. I do NOT deserve to be uncomfortable. – Another day. Another morning. – Those who love life have it taken from them too soon. Those who are cursed by existence drag on and on and…. – 12.44 Sun shining in through the window in the little room. Just in from a “rollie”. One smoke left in the pack. AND… just awake from a “nap” on the recliner… for about 90 minutes. Sleep. That’s actually all I want to do right now. Sleep. Obviously, I don’t “rest” at night any more. Gee… not so un-like the nights in the Shelter. Ever expecting the sudden BANG or thumping across the ceiling. In the Shelter, it was the insanity in the halls, or in the other bed across the room. Here, it’s from the trash up-stairs. Twats… as they are. Murder. “Sleep deprivation”. And nobody around here has any idea as to what that means, what it is, what it’s like. To be constantly exhausted… all day… every day. Fucking idiots, wall to wall. – Oh well… No sense… at all. – (On Monday morning, 5.06:) Jacquie came in at about 13.00. She’d gone to the market in BTV for food. THEN went to the store here for some “shaved steak” and such. Came back, asked if I was hungry. She hadn’t had lunch. Make steak sandwiches. I had one. Wasn’t really hungry but… – She wanted to watch a movie on TV and was having trouble ordering it. And then asked if I wanted to go to MTL tomorrow (Monday). Shes determined to go to Schwarz’s. I suggested that Tuesday’s weather is expected t be the best of the week and she said that she needs to be back by 21.00 to watch the President’s address. Fine with me. I’ve no actual desire to go to MTL anyway. Why? I don’t know. Once upon a time, I’d’ve jumped for joy at the prospect of being in MTL. Not so much these days. Politics again. And… no real connections with this place. Maybe it’s because I’m so much stuck back in the 70s, when times and life and such were happier, and the realities of today are, well… fucked. What-ever. For Jacquie, “Lent” is coming, that time when they’re supposed to “deny” themselves. No “joy” or what-have-you. And she wants to go, do, travel, what-ever, before then. I suppose I’m stuck in it. Oh well… No doubt she’ll want to bring Hallie. Poor little thing. Stuck in the truck some-where. Alas. That’s the way it is… and will be. – Meanwhile, I’m still waiting to get SOME kind of word from Vincent. In my soul I’m preparing for “No.” The last thing I did before falling asleep at about 18.30 was to check e-mail. When there was no word, I decided to lay down for a touch… a touch only… “escape” more than anything or much else. The rest of the day? It became… “Tomorrow”.

Mon.27.Feb: 4.59 Well! It was about 18.30 YESTERDAY when Jacquie came to the door to say that her movie “Hacksaw Ridge” or something of that sort, had begun. Moments later, I put my head on the pillow, just to shut my eyes and… I woke at about mid-night, checked the time, and went back to sleep. At about 2.00, I woke again, checked the time… and went back to sleep. SLEEP! Just sleep. Through the night. Sleep. One quick DREAM, of sorts. A “snippette”:
Something about Jacquie having a disagreement with the twat up-stairs. She expected Jacquie to clean the common hall up there. Jacquie was upset about this. (There is no “common hall” up there but… that’s the dream.”
Other than that… SLEEP… through the night. When, about 40 minutes ago, I woke, I decided to get up, re-start the wood-stove, have my coffee and my smoke. And so, I’ve done. The house is still quiet. How charming. And me? I actually could go back to sleep. But I’ll try not to. I’m fully dressed, having dozed off as such. Oh well. I’ll need the loo in a while. Just hope that nobody wakes before then. But alas, still in the shit-hole so, no doubt, my “urge” will strike when there’s no loo to be had. I don’t know.. don’t care… can’t. – I’ll have to jot what little there is to jot for yesterday… – 5.14 Caught up here. Imagine that. And still only 5.00-something. Another day. I think I’ve actually died… and gone to Hell. This is it… Hell. – 6.23 At about 6.15 “the day” commenced: She’s got a psychotic fixation with that wood-stove! I put the wood in, got it started, left a light on in the kitchen to make it obvious that the stove had been re-started and yet, the VERY VERY FIRST THING… crunch, crunch, bang, bang, scrape, scrape, ting, tang, thump, bump… She just CAN’T let the damned thing go! It’s none of my business, really. It doesn’t have anything to do with me. It’s a mental issue… that truly is HERS and NOT mine. And *I* NEED to let it go. Still… it’s exhausting… truly (because again, I want to go back to sleep… to escape it all). – 6.34 going back for another nap. – 8.59 I went back to sleep until 8.00 and, truth be told… I COULD go right BACK to sleep… As I told Ms.Mm., when she commented that it was “good” that I got caught-up on my sleep: “Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me that I should go back to the Shelter, since this is the way it was back then: getting no sleep and then having to make up for it. Not healthy. But I survived then. Either that or it’s time to simply check out.” And I told her “It’s just a matter of comfort now. I don’t deserve to suffer before I go. So a nice warm breeze… I have all the necessities. I just need the conditions.” Amen. Fuck. – On with the day. (I want to vomit.) – And… by the way… it’s cold in this room… again. – 21.23 Aside from putting the link to G’s on all the “Legacy pages on all of the blogs, it was a day of “sleep”… and I did quite a bit of that. Mostly because I just wanted to avoid. Secondary, I was cold all day and the most comfortable place was in the sleeping bag and “out” of this all. Jacquie occupied herself with paper and more paper and burning paper and paper. I found the way to Schwarz’s for tomorrow. Oddly, I’m not excited about going but… may as well. No telling when there’ll be an opportunity again. And we’ll stop in Bedford on the way. She’ll get to Metro for some “caramel” sauce (and hopefully NOT a case of 50’s… yes, I’d like to have some but no, I don’t want her buying any… for me). I’ll get to the banque, but my 40 in (giving me 46 plus the 20 that’s in there). I need toothpaste and bath soap… Jean Coutu? Perhaps. Other than that? I’m not looking forward to parking and I HOPE she’s got enough sense to not drag poor Hallie along. I do NOT look forward to barking in my head as I try to navigate St-Laurent. But… no doubt… Hallie will come along. – At any rate, border crossing should be interesting… albeit, Morses Line. We shall see. – This evening… pot stickers and rice with salad. Something didn’t agree and I’ve had a trot to the loo. (Tomorrow morning, before leaving, I shall shower). Then a bit of the news. O’Reilly didn’t read my e-mail of Thursday night. Oh well… perhaps for the better. – Just now, the stove had finally burnt down and Ms.Mme. simply tossed in a large bit of fire-wood and doused it with lighter fluid… it didn’t work. Off she went to the loo. Me? Stir the embers, a few puffs with the bellows and … I DO wonder: for somebody who presents as so “knowing” of the ways of the farm and country… she can’t get a fire re-started in a bed of hot embers in a wood stove. Never mind the insistence upon burning massive quantities of paper AND… AND… leaving STACKS of paper BESIDE the stove! All these years in Vermont… she IS a “Vermonter”… no doubt about it. – Now for me… in bed, in jammies (for a change). A quick run through the soc.med. and hopefully BACK to SLEEP! – By the way: Not a click from Vincent. – 23.33 I should have simply gone to bed…. Got curious again this evening and just found:

Tue.28.Feb: 7.55 Clear skies. Chilly this morning.
AN AFTERNOON IN MONTRÉAL AND A LATE AFTERNOON IN VILLERAY
Strange, how “alone’ I’m feeling this morning. Bernadette. Dewey. It’s not as if I’d expected to be re-united with them, magically, mysteriously. in our 90’s. Not that our paths would ever cross, unexpectedly at some juncture in time. But even as it is with Dennis, there’s always been this feeling of some kind of comfort, companionship, in knowing that on this planet, alone in infinite space, we were here, together, some-how. And this morning, two more are gone. And the knowledge that they’re not coming back, that they’re not here, draws something out of me. And I’m already feeling quite alone. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and wondered why I’m still here. I thought of that last night before going to bed. I couldn’t fall right to sleep, wondering. How fortunate for Bern, the first full day of Winter. I’ve a touch of envy there. And this morning, there’s the deep, pounding thought and feeling: I have to get “home” now, sooner and more than ever before, because “home”, back in New York, is where I have to be when my turn comes to leave. Not, certainly, in Newburgh. No. Not there. But in the state, on the “home” soil. It’s where I’m from, and where I have to be. Some-how, being there will keep us together. And this morning, a terrible fear: seeing the notice of Dennis’ death. What then? “It”, every-thing, will end then. I’ve thought of writing and sending him a letter. Just to let him know that, for all it’s worth, for all these years, he’s truly been “loved”… and still is. Does such a thing make any difference to anybody? Really? I’ve heard that it does, to some. Maybe it might mean something to him. It would mean a lot to me to let him know. And at this point in my time, I won’t have the chance to do so until Thursday, soonest, when I’m alone with my thoughts. I need to get “home” now, before “my time’ comes round. “Home”, where I can be with my “family”. Because, to me, they were my “family”… the people I cared for and about more than anybody else. They gave me hope when I had none of my own. They gave me smiles and laughter when I had none of my own. They gave me comfort when nobody else had any to give me. And most important… they, especially Dennis, gave me love, and allowed me to give my love to them. Silly nonsense, all of this. But important to people, to humans… to every living creature in Creation, I might assume. And this morning… almost all of them are gone… and won’t be coming back. And this morning, I’m a little more alone. What makes it a bit darker, heavier is that nobody here and now can or even would try to understand. “I suppose it’s because our lives are so hard.” said Jacquie, in a text, some time ago. “hard”? As if to imply that their lives are harder than others. Perhaps they are. But from as I’ve seen it here, over the past 5 years, they make their lives “harder”. And then they weave their self-inflicted miseries into a little badge of personal honour, and attach it prominently on their person, some-how, some-where to be seen by others. And they parade about, chanting “Woe is me!” It’s a chorus, a choir, of self pity and competition to see who has the largest, boldest badge or badges of horror, trials, tribulations… all, self-made, self-inflicted. No, there’s nobody here who can or would try to understand… There’s nobody here who would even give a moment to listen. I know now, more and more than ever before, why “old” people appear bitter, mean, nasty. It’s not nasty… it’s just that we become deeper encrusted, encased in our sadnesses and sorrows, removed farther and farther from the “here and now”. Some of us choose to retreat from it all, and others? Time and existence build layer upon layer of old-time crust on and around us until even the very light of the sun no longer penetrates. it’s not anger nor bitterness… it’s our own survival, shelter from even more harm, a heavier barrage of pain and sorrow, that comes with each breath we take, as time passes, and we become more and more… alone.
8.19 I suppose it’s almost time to get me together. There’s a “road trip” in the day. I don’t want to go. It’s not going to be a “happy” sort of affair. Maybe it will be. Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be: a diversion, distraction. Just another moment of denial… Again, I’m being denied the right and privilege of being able to assimilate another pain. It’s always been like that. “As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, World with-out end… Amen. – 23.05 LATE BUT WHAT A DAY! – The morning was quite busy with a visit from Rick at the front door (looking quite good and neat and….) and whilst he was at the front door, I went out the back for a smoke. Gaylord strolled by and stopped to chat. Seems he’d been in 5225 and commented on the new washer and dryer and such. I mentioned the elimination of all things “Glidden”. He didn’t seem too please with the idea but said precious little. We changed the subject to yard work. He left, I came in. Rick was still talking with Jacquie at the front door when Jacquie’s relative, André came by to fetch some boxes shipped here. Jacquie came in to chat with him and I went about getting me together for today’s journey… still not too certain that I wanted to go but… Then, when everybody left, Jacquie went to the shower and I waited, quickly filing my finger nails. She came out, went to the PO, I went in and showered. Came out of the shower, she dried her hair and by about 13.30… we were on the road. A stop for gas in Highgate and on to Bedford where I put the 40 into the banque at last! Exchange came to 51,56! giving me 88 in the account! HEY! Impressive, considering. But there was NO trouble about it at all! I was in. I was out. Jacquie and I went to Metro where she got a box of Au Caramel, Mae West, a jar of Dulce de Lece, bag of curds AND she got ME TWO packs of Belvedere (at about 14CAD each)… Next? She hands me the keys and I got to drive to MONTRÉAL!!! (She agreed that it wouldn’t have been right to take Hallie, since we didn’t know where we would park, what kind of weather there would be, and leaving her in the truck alone, strange surroundings and all the people passing. I was relieved!) WOW… the drive went quickly! Out of Bedford on the 202 to the 133 and zing… to the 35 and the 10 and… INTO MTL! University (now Robert Bourassa, ca se peut tu…) to Dorchester (Rene Levesque) and a right turn…. I was paying attention but we came to St-Laurent QUICKLY… so I had to drive round a touch but nothing serious or major. Got my round-about and onto St-Laurent. Finding SCHWARZ’S was almost a SNAP! Finding parking? Not so snappy. But we parked ON St-Laurent, only about 5 doors away from Schwarz’s! 3$ in the meter for an hour and we were IN and sitting and ordering… each had a smoke meat sandwich. She ordered a small side of fries and a pickle. We each had a soda (Coke for me, GingerAle for her). IT WAS PURE HEAVEN! The place is amazingly like every Jewish deli in NYC! And friendly and wonderful! It wasn’t crowded when we arrived (at about 16.00) but by the time we left (16.45) it was full! But the meal was FILLING and SO DELICIOUS! (33$CAD though! Plus 5$ tip. Still, at the conversion, it won’t be all that much at all.) Then, a little more in the metre for parking and we went back for a pound of smoke meat to bring back. She got 1/4 for Kailah for watching Hallie, 1/4 for her folks at work and ,5 for here for… ? – Next? A stroll down St-Laurent to Jean Coutu where I got NIVEA SOAP (4) and a tube of Colgate! (I wasn’t thinking and forgot to get my Neutrogena for the face but that’s OK.) 10,09! WOOHOO! A stroll back to the truck. – By then, it was getting too late and too dark. I thought of heading up the mountain… Jacquie’s never been to the cross. But I knew that, by the time we got up and were heading back it would be dark and in spite of the city being snowless, the mountain had a good cover. So… I drove up St-Laurent and to Villeray where I got to show Jacquie… 8005 and the neighbourhood! THE HOUSE LOOKS GREAT! SO comforting to see! From there, we drove down Henri Julien back to Jean Talon, past the marché then across to Papineau and down again to “Dorchester” and off the island and back to Fucklin! We got back at about 20.00! IT WAS MAGNIFICENT! And I thanked her for the meal, the smokes and the DAY! I told her of the news of Bern and Dewey and how heavy it hits me but the diversion and distraction are SO appreciated. – Kailah came for her smoke meat and we settled to watch some TV. EXHAUSTED! – So now… in bed for all. My throat is a touch sore. Can’t figure why. But… WHAT A DAY!!! Montréal doesn’t give the ZING to the heart-strings that it used to, for me. Even Jacquie commented on the graffiti. Still… it was a WONDERFUL day… for BOTH of us. – Now? I’m exhausted… and need some sleep. – I checked the e-mails earlier… no word from Vincent. I wonder… WILL he reply? I have to move on from there. – I’ll quick-check the soc.med. now and get to sleep… soon… I HOPE! – Tomorrow… the 1st of MARCH al-fucking-ready… and I need more coffee… I’ll have to ask for a trip into Enosburgh… hopefully Jacquie will need something too. (BUT WINTER IS ALMOST OVER AND I HATE THE COMING MONTHS!!!)