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SORRY … TOO BUSY BEING ANGRY …
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TODAY, I DON’T “HURT”… TODAY… I AM BITTER!
Tue.1.Oct: 8.06 This morning, as the work-clothes are in the dryer, the sun is coming up over the hill and I am SO wanting to simply go back to bed, to sleep, forever, the “reality” of this morning is grabbing my gut and my brain. I’m not “angry” this morning. I’m not “depressed” this morning. No. This morning, I’m BITTER! BITTER AS ALL HELL! Everything is packed away neatly. The room is almost neat and tidy. It needs Hoovering, there are little things that need to be packed neatly. But it’s in good order… and it’s chilly. I look like shit. I never did get the chance to “get me together”. BUT… the barn is in MUCH better order after all the work yesterday so, that’s not to bad. And I’m just waiting for the clothes to dry and I’ll be on my way… I can’t decide between hitching or taking a bike. I can’t decide if I’m just going to walk out and away or walk out and face the facts when I return. But there IS one thing that I’m firmly resolved in: Disappointed, abandoned and bitter… BITTER! I keep thinking: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU JUSTIFY ALL THE BULL-SHIT?
*Silas: I’m walking away from this. I’m not walking away from you.
(So where the fuck are you today? I didn’t cost you shit! I took care of that fucking house all Winter… alone and freezing whilst you laid comfy on a bed, in a warm house, eating and working.)
*Eduardo: Come back to NYC. We will be here to welcome you with open arms.
(Open arms and vitriolic attitude. Tossing me from stranger to stranger. Insulting me on the job YOU offered. Paying me LESS that you’d “promised”. And THEN, when I couldn’t handle any more of the tossing and abuse, I came back to VT and you turned THAT into MY fault!)
*Nancy: I’ve been a good “friend”, here to listen, talking candidly, openly.
(Right. And you’re capable of believing that I’m just sitting round wallowing in self-pity and anger! You believe that I’m just doing nothing toward resolving the issues I’m facing here. I’m “too busy being angry”. As if I have no justifiable reason for being angry! And you too, insulted me, kicked me in the teeth this this and when I had something to say about it, you turned everything round and again, kicked me in the face and blame ME, accuse ME. And then, last words “With that I bid you a fond adieu and a last bon chance.” -again, the gender is incorrect but that’s not the issue-. You know what? With this I bid you “Thanks for re-affirming my basic beliefs that, if I give someone the importance in my life to be able to insult and hurt me… they most certainly will.)
*Fran: “You lied to me. I don’t know if I can handle that.”
(LIED? Not even hardly. I never actually SAID where I was at any given time. And YOU didn’t bother to listen… I don’t even know that you HEARD me when I spoke with you last. I protected you! LIED? You dumfuk… just like the rest. SO then YOU TOO, twist and turn everything round and SLAM me with it all, and toddle away… tra la la… just like the rest.)
How I remember telling Liz, and Zur, and so many others: You’re all under the impression that I manage to keep my life and emotions and affairs and all the rest in such delightful order and that in the end, all is well, fine and wonderful. You’re all under the impression that I don’t get “hurt” because I can keep my affairs in such great order. And you ALL, fail none, do your ULTIMATE BEST to DESTROY what you perceive. You NEVER get to see the parts of my life when I’m alone, with me, thinking and talking with me. You NEVER even bother to TRY to see the other side, the darker side. You never even bother to ASK if I’m OK inside. And as far as the “being there to help or even simply support on some way”?
*I’ve slept in the back of a VW Beetle, alone on back roads and rest stops.
*I’ve slept on the ground, under trees, alone, in woods, parks and on beaches.
*I got ME out of the Homeless Shelter by working 9 hours/day, 12 days on, 2 days off… AND
*I WORKED my way out of that shelter and up to the North! With help? Yeah right.
*I asked for, begged for some kind of help and what did I get? Words… empty words of false encouragement.
*So I got me out of that situation… ALONE!
So, my butt-fuck so-called self-proclaimed “friends”… now that you’ve done pounding my poor rectum for your jolly joy and glee… LICK MY BLOODY HOLE!
Bob, Lyle and Randy have become more like the “family” others think of when they think of “family” than just acquaintances and so-called, self-proclaimed “friends”. They took me in to rent this room, have provided meals and so much more. And they’re in need… and I had hoped on others who said they’d be there to help when I needed… but now, in the emptiness, void and vacuum that the others created, I’m unable to help these wonderful people… unable to maintain my responsibilities to them. And THAT is what makes me BITTER! TO think that I held onto just enough faith and trust in people to be put into this position! – Well… 8.39 and I hope the laundry’s done so I can get me together and get out of the house and think… and decide. – My chest feels as if it’s caving in on itself. – 21.31 Pajamaq-sweats,, showered. I was out the door and on the road by round 9.30. A really rather nice day. This morning was a bit on the chilly side when I left, but the sun came and went and as it shone, it brought warmth, so much so that a quick shower was called-for before getting into bed. And tonight, interestingly enough, I’m in bed, in the house, following a dinner of a HUGE portion of lasagna, much water-mellon after, doing the pots and pans (and Lyle saying they didn’t have to be done tonight, but most were from last night’s cooking). As for the road-trip: Home! I don’t care what anybody says, for me, going into Richford is such a pleasant and peaceful and calming experience. I DO Love Richford, no matter what. The trip was completely un-eventful, save the colours of the foliage and now, that little bench at the over-look no longer offers shade… the leaves have fallen. But, I got to Mayhew’s and saw Jill and got my smokes with-out pause. She seemed a bit on the busy side so I didn’t stay. I’d arrived at about 12.20 and was gone again by about 12.30 or so. On the way back, I stopped at Hannaford’s for ONE jar of coffee (not planning on being around long enough to finish even that but MUST have coffee for as long as I wake in the morning). Then, took the State Park Rd. BACK to the house. The climb wasn’t too bad and the Swamp Rd. is a rather nice way to get back. And I was back in the yard at about 16.20-something! It’s actually quicker, in spite of the walking up the hill. So, there we have it. – I sat on the swing for about 30 minutes and came in to find Randy sitting alone, in the living-room. Bob and Lyle were up-stairs. Bob was paying bills (7 grand, total, as he told me later). So I went back out with Dixie to play Frisbee and as we played, Curtis came to mow so Dixie went in-side. Me? I got to the “mystery trash” bags from yesterday. Curtains and blankets for the gardens. Daisy truly cared for her gardens… more than many people will ever know. Sweet woman. Anyway, I got the bags together for trash day, then cleared a bit in the front and back barn because the areas needed it. They need a bit more, but as I was working, Randy came to call me to dinner… and after, it was too dark to work in the barn (so I did the dishes… pots, pans and tonight’s dinner dishes as well). After dinner, a couple of smokes. Tomorrow I’ll catch-up with the barn, mow the front lawn, tidy a bit. Should, just for the shit of it all, look into work. I don’t know why. I won’t find anything I can take anyway. I’m just a general moron. But… that’s tomorrow. Just so long as I get this place together before I leave. That’s all I really want to do. I know… nothing I do will be followed-up or maintained. But it’s the idea that I can leave the place looking cheerful and happy. – So, that all said and done and no photos from today’s “adventure” and I’m rather tired, there you have it. – Oh… I’m in the mood to write that “Hotel Room” story I began in Central Park. (The previous book has died… and the GoFuckMe is still at zero.) Don’t know why. Probably something to do with that “libido” thing: when the organism is facing it’s own demise, there’s a sudden burst toward procreation. Stupid. – Quick: It was an EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL bike trip today! The sciatica coupled with what feels like another hernia AND I wore the cumboots and the right one dug into my heel! Jolly fun. – And one more note: Bob asked if I’d join them on the 29th for the Halloween Party. I doubt… most seriously… I’ll be here by then. Even so… ME? PARTY? I shouldn’t think so. – So. 21.52 and time for me to get some “being angry” time in before bed. I haven’t done much of that today and, well, mustn’t disappoint the folks.
Wed.2.Oct: 7.50 and … awake. Why? Simply because. – Over-cast. No bright sun-shine as was the forecast just days ago. But then, why should we trust the forecast? Why trust anything when we can’t trust anybody? Trust “friends” to stab and burn. Trust nothing else. And this morning, my foot hurts where the boot dug into my heel, my stomach is in turmoil and I want to vomit, my mind reels with the realities of no mailing address, no phone… and precious things in storage on the brink. But my back seems to be fine again after putting me through all that hell yesterday on the bike. – It’s another day… dread and drear. – 19.48 Showered and in bed. The house is dark and silent. It’s been “one of those days” I suppose. – By 9.00 I was in full swing, re-cleaning the back barn and moving on to the North side of the front and… after much moving of things and re-arranging, sweeping and tying up many metres of red, deep shag carpeting (Randy says Lyle had the inside of his old van carpeted with it… oh, that era) that had been in plastic bags and tossed into that back corner that started the cleaning of the front of the barn, and indoor-outdoor carpeting (that had been in that barn for about as many years as everything else)… Tonight there’s easy, open access to Bob’s tool cabinets, a clear passage from front to back of the barn, the floors are swept. (OH! The nastiness of the front barn floor… OK. Maybe not so bad as the back but still) (and, another parenthetical: I cleaned that “drainage trough” in the back barn so that there’s concrete there now, again, for probably the first time in about 40 years or so.) I got finished at jsut about 19.00 when the sun was too low in the sky for anything to be seen so I really had to stop. But I got the fire-wood (for the fire pit) all put up. There’s some scraps out against Cecil’s barn that I don’t particularly care for, and there’s some shit out there that I really can’t do anything about just now. The South side of the inside of the front of the barn needs to be attacked, but nobody said anything about that… just as nobody’s really too concerned with the up-stairs of that barn. So, with the exception of some last minute “tidy” work, light shit work… that barn is DONE! Curtis came to mow the rest of the lawn today so tomorrow morning, if all goes well, I’ll get to the little areas he couldn’t get and then the front lawn and… Well? My “work” here is complete. I can move out and move along. – Other-wise, I must say: There was SOME “interest” today. First, I worked all day and tonight’s dinner (the entire food in-take for the day) was one turkey, cheese and lettuce sandwich on a potato roll, and a glass of soda. I believe I do rather well, considering that I really don’t eat and yet, I can produce all the work I do. (I’m rather hoping that my body’s gone into “starvation” mode… as I understand it, the body starts burning muscle tissue when it goes into that mode and the first muscle it burns off is the heart. So I’m rather hopeful that it’s already begun. It would be a relief to know one way or another but… – Bob came home from work and a while later, he and Lyle came out to the barn (I was still working, rolling and tying the carpeting) and they went into the barn to see what’s in the old chest. I offered to bring it in to the back porch so Lyle could sit and go through it but he said “I’d really rather you didn’t do that. It must be heavy and you’ve just had that episode with your back.” Kind. Well, the bad news is that I really couldn’t move the chest. TOO heavy! But, Lyle and Bob got to “see” what’s in it from where it sits a-top the old cast iron cook stove. Nothing, by the way, was said about the major improvement in the condition of the barn… nor was there any indication of gratitude. I remain the “Altruist”. – At “dinner”, Bob asked “No bike ride today?” I know what he’s asking: You didn’t go to Richford to the Post Office to see about any money coming in for you? Hey, my phone’s been out for almost a week, the storage will have another 10$ added in 3 more days and the PO Box is probably off limits until payment… which, at this point, won’t be happening and my mail will be returned to sender. Why go to Richford… before I’m on my way HOME? Still, I can’t help but think: He saw all the work that got done in the barn so how could he even ask such a question (other than the obvious which I’ve already stated)? – Bob got a “bark collar” and put it on Dixie (of ALL the poor dogs in the house!). Come to find out, Bob “tested” it by ringing the door-bell to make her bark!!! Lyle says she barked, yelped, barked again, yelped again and went silent. He says it hurt HIM so much he just broke into tears. FUCK ME! SHE’S NOT THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE BLOODY COLLAR! ELLIE IS! AND, MORE THAN ELLIE, THAT LITTLE SHIT CHIHUAHUA, FUCKING “CHICA” NEEDS THAT DAMNED COLLAR! Poor Dixie! BUT… Bob also got Dixie a NEW FRISBEE!!!!! And Dixie and I got to play for a little while this evening. The poor thing: nobody will take the time to play with her when I’m gone. May she be Loved as she so deserves, by Nature and Creation in my stead. – THEN… as we were just finishing “dinner” (Bob to Randy: “Would you like another sandwich?” Never to me. Well, shit on all that. Eh? Since Randy sits and watches TV all day… but that’s not for me to comment on.) CHICA TOOK A SHIT ON THE FLOOR… AGAIN!!!!! She’s been doing that, and the most anybody does is to quietly tell her “Bad Girl”. As if whispering such a thing makes any difference to that little flea-infested thing. I don’t blame her… only, a simple “Bad Girl” doesn’t teach a bloody fucking thing. So? Lyle told Randy tonight that this was the last time she’d do that and get away with it. “It’s filthy.” says Lyle. (Meanwhile, I add, the back yard is LOADED with dog shit almost every-where one steps… But hey. Again, not for me to comment.) – As quickly as “dinner” was done, I went back out to the barn to clear the yard of debris, put the “fire wood” up in the back and there I stayed until it got too dark to work. – THE BARN LOOKS SO AMAZING WITH THE LITTLE LIGHT ON IN THERE! SO OPEN! SO NEAT! SO CLEAN! SO… WOW! (I have to comment on my own work… I am pleased.) – When I came in, just past 19.20 or so, Randy was in the kitchen getting him-self a bottle of water from the tap. (Me? I get mine from the loo tap. Imagine that. And… I might add, I still pee in bottles in the room when I wake in the morning so as not to disturb Lyle or Randy… or, especially, that fucking “Chica” shit.) The lights and TV were off, no sign of Bob. He, I believe, went to bed with Lyle who was in bed already. How, I do wonder, can they (Lyle and Randy) be so “tired” so often, so early, or at all? (I’m so glad I have this Journal to mention all of this on. I don’t mean ill or evil, I just wonder and wouldn’t dare give voice to this! SHIT! I got offended at Nancy’s comment about being “too busy being angry” and I spoke on it and look where THAT got me! FUCKED! So? Best to keep shit to one’s self. – As for my back? ZING! It was painful working today. But, not so much that I absolutely couldn’t work. Then again, I can’t help but think: Other people would have been sitting about, be-moaning the pain if it were them. Not worth the thought. I rode into Richford yesterday. I cleaned the barn today. I don’t whine. I don’t bitch. I WORK! That’s “ME”. So… GTF2H (which is something I actually took a break to come into the house to sketch on the lap-top today: GoTheFuck2Hell). I’m not putting anybody down, I’m just saying that I’m pretty fucking damned-well proud of me and my “ethics”. They don’t help me when I need help, and they don’t impress anybody else (in spite of how often I hear people talk of OTHERS: Oh! S/he works SO hard, it’s amazing!) I can’t get hired and paid for all of this. But then, as somebody once told me: People know you’ll do the work anyway, so why should they bother paying you? – I still think strongly about how to get HOME. There’s so much bull-shit that has to be considered, particularly Douanes. And the weather and the walk. (I’ll walk… I don’t have much choice and besides, why the fuck not? I’ve walked all my life, in general.) – Before I close this now, one thought that came to mind today: Nancy offered to co-sign on the financing of a car/vehicle; WHO makes that kind of offer KNOWING that I have NO income and can’t make the payments on a loan? I mean… REALLY? I do tend to wonder: I was Homeless when we “met” on Twitter, and she latched onto me, for some reason. The whole “BFF” (best friends forever) and “family” thing. Why? In retrospect (in between being “too busy being angry” of course…) it truly makes me wonder. And the out-come with the slapping the insult and then telling me that “true friends” don’t have to keep making amends for mistakes. No… I’m “OK”. Her? I’m not so certain. – OK then. Of to post this and probably turn in for the night. Garbage has to be put out in the morning, a wash must be done, lawn to be mowed and who knows? Maybe a “bike ride”… Richford or maybe even HOME. Maybe I’ll scout my “spot”. – 22.13 Imagine this: THE BOOK MADE TWO SALES LAST MONTH! IT’S STILL ALIVE! I just finished putting a new “page” on Facebook about it and for schitzengiggles I went to check the sales report. WELL, WELL, WELL! Too bad it’s too little and too late. But the book sells on. Somebody will benefit from it.
Thu.3.Oct: 7.12 Every time I look at the date, I get sick to my stomach.This morning, it’s the date and other details. You see, last night, every-one was in bed so early, and,for the night.
But at about 23.00, CHICA decided to take a barking (yipping) fit and Lyle, already at the end of his ropes, was disturbed. That involved Bob and well… I got up this morning, got my work clothes together to put them into the washer and, well, Lyle’s asleep on the sofa… down-stairs, where the washer is. So? My white t-shirt? Remains filthy today because I don’t dare to put the washer on. Isn’t that special? Randy’s door is shut, but only moments before I left my room, CHICA took ANOTHER yipping fit. The reaction? Through the door I heard “Chica! No.” Honestly? Had Randy’s door been open as I left my room and that THING yipped at me, I was all ready to grab it and fling it down the stairs! It’s not bad enough that I feel like shit, it being the 3rd and I have no way to pay the rent, but THAT? Now I’m at the end of all my ropes as well. Stomach churning first thing in the morning. And, although I know it isn’t correct, it just makes me want to punch something when I think: he (Randy) sits in the house all damned bloody-fucking day, watching TV, the only time he actually gets up is to let that damned over-sized rat out to shit in the yard or to prepare dinner (the high-light of the entire day) and collects money… disability and such. Yes, he’s had more than his share of injuries and I should (should I?) be grateful that I can get up and move about, bike ride, work in the barn and such. But I’m not! Here-in lies the whole reason why I despise people like LC who firmly believes that there must be an even distribution of wealth: Even to those who can/will not work for their benefits. Indeed, Randy had a hard life, but is that to say that MINE was SO MUCH BETTER? I think not! And yet, I work, PHYSICALLY, even to the average of 10 hours per day on a barn that’s of no benefit to me, and for….? Nothing! No. I am NOT “grateful” and I’m NOT happy and I AM sick to my stomach over it. – Well, this morning, having nothing much to do until the sun comes up and dries the front lawn (and Lyle wakes so I don’t disturb him with the mower), I’m rather trapped in the room. No laundry, so no travelling. Perhaps I’ll just lose my mind and toss on the filthy clothes and go hide in the barn. After all… there’s still quite a lot of work that CAN be done in there. – But, I’ll work on the next book… “Epilogue – The Belladonna Martini Days”. A delightful follow-up to “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness”. – 22.42 Showered. In bed, at last! “How I Spent My Day Being Too Busy being Angry”: I did stay in the bed until almost 11.00! But I WROTE! TWO MORE PAGES OF THE “BELLADONNA MARTINI CHRONICLE” (or what-ever it’ll end up being… if anything at all). Then, shortly after 11.00, I broke down and headed out the door to meet Lyle in the hall. It seems Cubby brought the kitten to him at about 7.00 this morning! Imagine? Cubby, a male cat who was taken from his own mother at the age of about 7 weeks, having what would other-wise be considered a “Maternal” instinct. The kitten was hungry, it was crying, Cubby brought it to Lyle to be fed. I’m amazed. (I also can’t help but think: this little cat has better caring instincts than most of the people I’ve ever met in my entire life.) OK. So I was off and out to the barn. When I opened the door, it was so delightfully clean and order so there really isn’t anything to be done, save the South wall, and I’m not in the mood of late for attacking that.
But… I pulled the mower out to do the front lawn and noticed that the leaf rake handle should be repaired (the one I wired together already) and I now had a bunch of handles. Voila! New handle on an old rake. Next, I took some of the prongs off a rather beaten old bamboo leaf rake and put them on the better bamboo leaf rake and… Voila! TWO rakes now ready to go! I was rather pleased with me. By now, it was about noon and Lyle usually takes a phone call from Bob at noon so the front lawn got mowed, a quick once-over on the flower bed with a small rake and for all intents and purposes, the yard work was done. Ah… but there was the fire wood in the back that could be taken care of. So?
I got the manual “carpenters’” saw and had at all the lumber that was previously leaning up against the back barn. Surprisingly, once cut to size to fit the “fire pit”, there really isn’t all that much there! But what’s there is now cut and no nails. I cut off parts with nails. There’s still more to be cut and that will be done tomorrow. Imagine, cutting 2×6 planks, oak flooring, and solid old furniture (Lyle’s sister’s old crib), garden stakes… hardwoods, not just the old sticks and rotting wood. It was tough going, but therapeutic at the same time. – Therapeutic? I didn’t listen to any music all day today and I got to thinking: Gee, when I published the book “Bitter-Sweet Bitterness”, Nancy and Eduardo jumped to buy the first copies. Eduardo is on Facebook, and I believe Nancy is too. Nancy is on Twitter, or was, but was when I published. I asked for help in promoting the book and… here we go again… Neither of 
them bothered! No even so much as a re-tweet of the announcements that are posted to my Twitter account. Never mind, Eduardo with his “connections” and even “promises” to help promote the book! Not even a mouse-click! And I’m not supposed to be angry? I have no right to be angry? I abused the relationships? ME? I did the shit deals? MOUSE-CLICK! CAN’T EVEN DO THAT MUCH! YOU FUCK-TARDS! THANKS FOR A WHOLE HEAP OF SHIT! SUCK MY SHIT-HOLE! (OK, so the therapy wasn’t completely good, but at least I kept sawing the wood and got much of it done, and stacked and sorted and such. Meanwhile, fuck the rest of them. Or, as I put it on the graphic: GTF2H! – Randy came out this evening. Seems Bob made an error with all his frantic bill-paying after they got the loan and managed to over-draw their account by a considerable sum! And me, with no income! I feel like total and complete shit! But, I DID get an idea today: Bob and Lyle need money more now than before because they both let this thing get to them. So, I can go to the Community Action office in St. Albans on Monday (may the weather permit the bike ride!!!!!) and simply TELL them that I NEED the help because of Diane Olsen and her shit that haunts me and all the rest of the details and do what-ever it takes to get at least TWO month’s rent into Bob and Lyle’s hands! I’m so fed right the fuck up over this. My “ethics” kick in and the urge… no, the need to help over-rides all else. But I still have my bags packed, will make space in the barn for them and I have my “kit” ready for the trip HOME. And hell, even if the weather gets cooler, I won’t be feeling it for too long anyway. So? I get them the money and I get on with my own affairs. Simple. But I did discuss it all with Randy and I’m rather hoping he’ll take liberties and tell Lyle and Bob so they don’t think I’m just riding along here. Eventually, we’ll have to talk about it. Meanwhile… – “Dinner”… rather “meal” all day was a… ham and cheese sandwich… just the one, followed by a bowl of the old watermelon that’s becoming more water than melon. Randy went to the store and brought back some sweets for Bob and Lyle and he brought me a cookie! That cookie was delicious! I’ve been in need of some sort of processed sugar of late… that and a drink! But the cookie really rather hit the spot. Then Randy and I joined Bob and Lyle in the living-room for a while to watch some TV together. At about 21.20, Bob went up to bed, shortly after, Lyle followed. Randy and I watched to the end of the movie and at about 22.00 we took the dogs out back for a bit and I had a smoke. Came in, showered and now I’m up to date. – 23.03 and there’s noise in the next room. I think Lyle’s back awake. Poor guy. He sleeps so restlessly and so little at night.
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It truly is almost frightening…
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The resemblance to my place on The Bronx River – Norwood!
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Fri.4.Oct. 7.59 I didn’t hear either of the alarms this morning. I did dream that I went on a job interview for a job that, for some reason, in the dream, made me so happy! I got caught in the rain, had to rush to get to the interview… wet. I was with some-one who’d given me a lift. But I can’t recall all the details. But the dream was about a job! OK. Was it simply because I’m burning out? Or was this premonitory? – The days are passing too quickly and each morning, as I look at the date, I get sick… SO VERY SICK! Last night, Bob spoke of having to get to the banque to catch his error and to deposit “Randy’s rent”. RENT! It’s just killing me and nobody knows. And nobody’s about to give ANY kind of help. A glance at Monday’s weather shows rain. It’s going to get even more difficult, I fear. Oddly, it’s not so much about maintaining a place to reside in… this is more about getting the money these guys need. Well? Who knows that situation better than I? A rare few, I should say. Of course, my silence on the matter doesn’t help others know that I’m thinking about it. But I think tonight the subject will come up, and if it doesn’t. I’ll have to bring it up. And I will. – The wash is in the machine. At last! I looked at the wash water: grey! Ick! And that’s the “whites”! Next, I’ll toss the black jeans in. Today, there’s a lot of wood to be cut. Hey! It builds upper-body muscle. Just when my entire body is eating itself away. I’m rather certain that the “heart muscles” are being utilised at this point. But, that’s fine by me. I don’t care. The more heart tissue gone, the better for me. – Well, a bit of web-browsing this morning, a few more paragraphs on the next book and out to cut the wood. Keep busy. Keep busy. Keep busy. And all the anger gets channelled… into the busy, into the work… in to the absolute BITTERNESS. I still keep thinking of how my “friends” didn’t bother to promote the book. “Friends”? My fucking shit-hole! “Trust”? Why should I? And then to have them turn on ME? Get nasty and vitriolic and acerbic with ME? How typical. And then tell me I have “trust issues”. Mouse-clicks, you fucktards. Mouse-clicks, and I’m not worth even that much to you? “Friends”. GTF2H! Thanks. – And with that, I begin my day. –
24.37 To think I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. I did, however. And this was the first morning in many where I didn’t have to “think” my way out. No sciatica pain! (Of course, I changed that during the day with all the sawing of fire-wood.) Ah, the sawing of fire-wood. IT’S ALL DONE! The back of the barn is clean, tidy, DONE! With the exception of a few little items (that don’t matter anyway), the work back there is DONE! The back barn, where it all began, could use some serious re-arranging. But that, and the front barn? Done.
I’m really rather amazed at my accomplishments (especially since I’ve been so “busy being angry”). – This evening, the “Three-some Trio” went on an errand into St. Albans, Bob and Lyle had business to attend, Bob came home early and yes, asked if I’d like to go along with them. I was almost just finishing the wood-cutting in the back of the barn and being SO close to complete, (and the threat of rain) I just didn’t want to give up at that point. SO CLOSE to being DONE! So, off they went, and me? Well… I took a bit of a “break” for a while… and I broke down and went to the market for something to drink and a little something to eat! (Earlier, I’d been SO BLOODY HUNGRY that I went into the house to see if there wasn’t something that would provide some kind of tangible nourishment. I grabbed a large container of vanilla yoghurt and a spoon and headed out to the barn. I ate the entire container! Oddly enough, when I’d done with it, my entire body responded with this feeling of “calm and satisfaction”. Instead of having a burst of energy and being ready to return to work, I wanted so much to nap. But, I couldn’t and didn’t and got right back into the wood-sawing… but with a bit more stamina… at last!) The market purchase: A 2l Mt. Dew, 1l tonic, box of nasty PopTarts and a small bag of licorice. The Mt. Dew is what I needed most… something to drink! – And so I went back to work until… as I say, with the exception of the little things that always seem to be “there” when all else is “finished”, I got the last of the boards cut down and stacked, manged to find a place or use for everything else that was just littering about, raked over the dirt and the lawn to clean it up and such, and almost JUST before it got too dark to snap a photo…
DONE-DONE-DONE, SNAP-SNAP-SNAP! CLEAN-CLEAN-CLEAN! WOW! I actually DID have to stand back and look… and grin with a bit of pride. Is it exactly as I’d’ve liked it to be? No. Is it AMAZINGLY CLEANER than it was when I began? OH HELL YEAH! When I think of the space that’s been re-claimed, the improved appearance of the property, the safety of it now with-out all the over-growth on the out-side of the barn AND the safety of simply cleaning out the INSIDE even to the extent I’ve managed… AND I DID IT ALL ALONE!!! Pretty bloody-fucking-hot-damned-slap-yo-mama-pinch-my-butt-and-call-me-Lucy-yes-I-am-all-that-and-so-much-more… yeah… I’m proud of me and my accomplishments. (And, Altruistically perfect? it’s all too simply a matter of being done.)
– When I’d done looking and admiring and such, I headed back into the house. The Trio had returned, Randy was coming in from the market with soda and such.. they’d gone to the Chinese place in St. Albans for dinner (and to the liquor store, of course). (*But something just occurred to me-8.53 Sat.morn-Randy told me they’d gone to the buffet to dinner, and that he’d declined, but Bob insisted saying it would remind him/Bob, of when he was a child and his mother went into some place to eat and left Bob in the car to simply wait… Randy said it wasn’t worth what they’d pay since he doesn’t eat all that much and that they insisted that he come in and not to worry about the money because they were paying… Yes, I was invited to go along with them but, RANDY handed me a hero from the market next door saying “I bought you dinner…” I’m not saying that it’s negative or cruel or… but had Randy not brought that sandwich… how odd, that the amount of physical effort and labour isn’t considered, and nothing is ever said about taking a break, having lunch or coffee or even a glass of water. But RANDY thought of food… RANDY… the one who eats the least. Oh well, it doesn’t matter, really. But my gratitude DOES, most certainly, go to Randy… for the consideration and thought and kindness.*) Meanwhile, back on the trail… instead of coming in and showering and getting right into the bed, as I’d wanted to do (at about 19.30), Randy’s lap-top went shitty and I looked-up some “DIY Repair” suggestions for him. I ate the sandwich in the room as I searched and round about 20.00 I hit the shower, put on the pajama-sweats and crawled into bed… MY day was DONE-DONE-DONE! Ah… but NO! It was almost 21.00 when Lyle called up to ask if Randy and I would like to have a fire in the back-yard. True, there aren’t many more nights when they can, and yes, there’s so much wood cut now that it’s more convenient. Well… Randy declined, wanting more to go to bed (having been up all night last night and getting about 6 hours of sleep this morning) but I decided it would be nice to be able to enjoy the results of my labours and this was about the only way I would be able to. So, I changed into the clean clothes and went out back. Bob was starting the fire when I arrived… I went into the barn for the kindling and such and helped get the thing going. Lyle came out shortly with a cooler-bag with beer and chairs (I was even given one tonight… unusual, that… a chair… the beer was offered much later). The fire was quite nice, the wood was quite convenient, and in spite of the over-cast sky, the night was rather pleasant. Bob went in early. Lyle and I lingered round the fire a bit longer, and I had A beer. We talked about travelling to Montréal years ago and such things. We didn’t talk about what I need to talk about… the rent… and my leaving. But, perhaps the timing wasn’t good at that point. I don’t know. (But I add here that it was interesting to see that I have only 2 changes of clothing and when I’d gotten dressed to go to the back yard, it was… well… telling… I seriously need to get the fuck out of here and get HOME SOON SOON SOON!) So, Bob left and moments later as the fire was still going rather well, Lyle asked “Can you just put the barrel over that and snuff it?” The night was over… for “all”. Well shit. OK then. And the barrel went onto the tyre-rim and the fire got snuffed and the day was over and it was all of about 22.40 when Lyle and I came into the kitchen. Done. – I’m exhausted right now. I wanted to write more on the book, to journal more, but I must get some sleep. (Up-dated/caught-up 9.16 on Saturday morning.)
Sat.5.Oct: 8.32 I don’t want to be awake… Well, truth? I don’t want to be alive. – 9.17 Journal’s caught up. Time to add the photos from the phone and get to other 
things like cleaning this bloody computer so that it can be left behind. AH… now that I think about it (as the fucking space-bar continues to skip), Randy’s lap-top isn’t working! I can leave this one for HIM! Timing… – Odd to think there really isn’t much for me to do around the house today. I could put up a fence for the roses, could get to the South wall in the barn, should re-straighten the back barn.. don’t want to do shit. Oh well… – Eventually, John might drop by. That’d be rather nice… keep the fellows entertained. But for now… – (OK. It’s Sunday morning… only just barely.)
Today? Today I did just about nothing. There really isn’t much to get done any more. The barn is looking good. The back of the barn is looking quite wonderful. So, I sort of took the day off and disappeared down to the brook for most of the day. I just sat, for the longest while, on a stone, staring into the water, clearing the leaves out so that the brook could flow. I looked at the little fish. There was a frog… a rather amazing frog in that it didn’t seem to have any fear of me. It was almost more a curiosity about me. It swam about, sat on the leaves, came to the shore and just kept following me about as I moved. Then came the most interesting bit: a worm… white… some 12cm in length… it looked like a fine stripped root or a piece of heavy 
sewing thread! I watched it for what must have been at least an hour. It was fascinating!
Then, at one point, I came into the house to get my sketch-book, returned to the weeping willow out back, brought a milk crate and sat, listening to Family of the Year, “Dimming of the Day” and that sort of music, as I sketched with a ball-point. Nothing I’m happy with as far as the sketches. But I sketched. I couldn’t help but think: Autumn… difficult times, why Autumn? And
here we go again! And the sketching? It reminded me so much of the time with Margo when I went to the river for the whole day, no food, nothing to drink, just to sit and sketch, and stay the fuck out of her way. The hours! (How funny, that… “the hours” indeed.) Here I am, doing that shit again! Life… the World… what a royal shit! – Well, at round about 18.00 the sun started to set. It was really quite pretty, I snapped a couple of photos and headed back to the house. It was chilly, in spite of the flannel shirt and black hooded sweat-shirt I was wearing.
– As I came into the house, dinner was just ready and I was truly hungry but I was rather hoping that I’d missed dinner. I feel like shit, taking food from the house-hold these days. 
I’ve no right to it… really. But there it was, and the guys were all in great spirits. I had my portion just to say that I ate with them. To miss dinner would simply be a matter of
missing dinner. But to refuse to join them really is an insult. No, I do not dine with people I do not like. But that certainly isn’t the case here. These guys are wonderful and so, dining with them is a privilege, and quite an honour to be invited to table with them. – Dinner was quite delicious, I must say and filling. Chat was good and all went well. – When dinner was done I made mention of having a fire tonight. Lyle was up for it and I told him the sky had cleared and the stars were visible and that pretty much settled it. We would have a fire. I went out to the back to get wood ready and to get the fire started. It was about 20.00 or so by now… early enough and yet, late enough. And then the night turned…
Lyle came out first, with the little cooler bag and his chair. He showed me an “app” on his phone that showed the night sky and constellations and such. It was pretty amazing. Then he showed me another “app” that showed the satellites orbiting up there! HUNDREDS OF THEM!!! The damned planet is COVERED! There’s almost NO empty space in space! It’s disgusting! Cluttered! And we chatted about that for a brief while and suddenly, very calmly, Lyle simply said: Bob told me about your financials and I want you to know that you don’t have to leave here. In fact, I don’t want you to even think about leaving here. Things will get better, and while they do, you have a home and a place to live. You’ve done so much for this place. And in the short while we’ve known each-other, you’ve become more family than much else. You’ve brought this place back to life with all the work you’ve done here, brought the place back to what it used to be. We don’t want you to leave. Besides, this is coming from me, and this house is mine. I want you to stay with us.
(What can I do? What can I say? I didn’t know then and don’t know any better now as I type this. I just don’t know. We talked a bit about the situation. I didn’t know if I should hug, hand-shake, just accept… I thanked. I keep thinking: maybe these ARE “Friends”… “Family”… maybe I’ve come all this way in time and the world to find the REAL people… I keep thinking this again. I even mentioned that to Lyle… that I’ve been quite stupid most of my life, trusting people, always giving benefit of doubt and such… just being so terribly stupid – and thinking of Eduardo and Nancy, Doug and Diane… how terribly stupid I’ve been – and he agreed that he too, has done the same but that because we’ve done so, it makes us more compassionate. And so, this is where the conversation simply stopped and moved on to other topics… and the fire-building.)
When Randy and Bob came out, the fire was going quite well. Chat and conversation went right along and we were all having quite the wonderful time and then Bob came over to me and said: You’re not looking for anything right now, are you? (Like what? I asked.) Looking for someplace else to go? – Lyle told him that we had already talked about the matter and Bob agreed. 
THEN HE ACTUALLY STARTED GIVING IDEAS! SIGN PAINTING! ART ON THE INTERNET! PAINTING STUFF FROM THE BARN AS “SOUVENIR” THINGS! ALL SORTS OF IDEAS! IDEAS! NOT THE USUAL BULL-SHIT ABOUT “You need to…” “You should…”
TANGIBLE IDEAS! AN OFFERING ALL THE STUFF THAT I FIND IN THE BARN! I MEAN… WOW! THEY EVEN KNOW SOMEBODY WHO’S DONE QUITE WELL WITH THESE SORTS OF THINGS! I ALMOST WANTED TO DANCE! I’M FLABBERGASTED! IDEAS! DIRECTION! HEY HEY HEY! And so, the night went on from there! And WOW, it was GREAT!
I still feel quite shy about being here as a free-wheel. Yes, it’s true that I’ve done much work and brought the place “back”. But it’s not about the work, it’s about the need of income (for all of us). But I’m resolved to do the very best I can by these guys. HOME is still up the road. But with the gift of time and Compassion, there are things I can do and things I must do to do right by these guys, this house, this little “family” of people here. I’ve been given a “gift” and mustn’t toss it. And I won’t. – The night? Well! Fun and interesting and interesting and fun! The fire started including all sorts of stuff like an old counter-top and such. Smoke and stench for a while. And then fire again. And it went on and on into the night. I had a couple of drinks tonight as well. Nothing enough to get blitzed… I still can’t do that here. I have too much fear of the anger, bitterness and depression that might come out and I can’t have that happen. But a drink to relax and enjoy… –
The night went on, the chill and damp got to Lyle’s knees but I helped get him into the house. Bob and Randy… well… Bob and Randy… and then they got themselves into the house. I don’t know what time it was but I think it was round 2.00 when I went out, put the barrel on the fire pit, wrapped the night up, came in and showered and got into bed. – WHAT A FUCKING NIGHT! WHAT A FUCKING DAY! I don’t know what else to call it. But it’s been… well… pretty fucking AMAZING! (Daisy? Is that you?)
Sun.6.Oct: 11.41! JUST WAKING UP! And now to try to re-cap yesterday, before getting into what’s left of today. – 12.30 The house is insanely quiet. The day is over-cast. I’ve gotten yesterday’s entry in. My hands are so sore! The wood-cutting and such, no doubt. But you know? It’s a “good pain” brought on by hard work… work that’s been appreciated for a change. – I need to get into Richford. Not today though, I shouldn’t think. No way I’ll make it there and back at this hour. Tomorrow morning I’ll leave early enough and take my time. Hopefully the weather will permit. Then, during the week, a trip into St. Albans for rent help and such. I have SO MUCH to get done! And I need some cash to get the paints and materials I need to get this business going. And I have to get on-line and start putting my art-work out there. SO MUCH TO DO! “DO”. – Right now? I’m just waiting for the “morning” to kick in so that I can get out there and “do” some “stuff” about the place. Cover the wood pile for one thing. And now? There’s so much more I want to get accomplished. There’s a fence to be put in round the roses, the stairs in the barn need repairing. SHIT! THIS IS THE LIFE I DREAMT ABOUT! THE NORTH COUNTRY! GOOD WORK AND LABOUR ON THE LAND, IN A BARN, GOOD, SOLID, HARD WORK AND A FEELING OF WELL-BEING AND ACCOMPLISHMENT! I DREAMT IT! I’M ACTUALLY “IN” IT! – 23.27 I am so hungry that it’s actually burning my stomach. I had dinner. Randy fixed a roast beef (quite over-cooked, but food none-the-less) tonight. A portion was cut for me by Bob, Lyle helped me with the veggies. It was quite good and I’m so appreciative for it. But I’m just so painfully hungry right now. – A nothing accomplished sort of day. I went out to clean the fire pit this after-noon only to find that last night’s cinders were still WARM! So I stirred and left it alone. Burnt the cardboard in the barrel though. And that was about it for the day. Of course, it rained, was cold, and I didn’t get out the door until about 14.00. Then ate dinner and moved the images on the lap-top into better directories. And then? Nothing. – MUST get to Richford tomorrow. HOPE it doesn’t rain. – Getting quite tired. No shower tonight (I don’t want to disturb). I stink of last night’s fire so I put on Imari powder and I’m in bed. – SO SO COLD IN THIS ROOM TONIGHT! – Winter’s coming… no car… Thanks so much for all the support from self-proclaimed “friends”…
Mon.7.Oct: 8.10 OVER-SLEPT! I wanted to be on the road by now! BUT? The weather? WIND! Even to the point of an “Hazardous Weather Advisory”! So? I have no choice in this matter this morning and so… I’m jut having my coffee and will be out and on the road by 9.00. These are the days… – Quick mention here: at (of all the hours) 4.56? BARK-FEST! I’m not so much bitching for me, but that’s just really not fair to Lyle. Bad enough he doesn’t sleep well enough as it is. But that? OK. Maybe it was Bob getting up. Still. – 17.44 MADE IT TO RICHFORD (Home) today! Left here at about 10.30. The sky was brilliant, a few tufts of white clouds. The sun was quite hot! And me? I brought the black hooded sweat-shirt. The forecast called for rain, but Météo and NOAA both claimed, not until 16.00. Me? I figured that, leaving so late, I’d probably be caught in the “cold front”, after dark and probably in the rain, so I brought the sweat-shirt. OK… So… I took the Lake Road today, over to the 108. Good that far. But, as I always do, when I got to the 118? A right turn, which is the WRONG turn! I fucked myself out of time and added distance! What a complete fucktard! I’ve done that so many times, and each time I’ve told myself to remember to go straight through at the Phoenix! But NO! Not me! Next thing I knew, after walking up more hills than I care to ponder now, I found myself in… Enosburg! Damn me anyway! So, it was back onto the Trail. And that’s where HELL, HELL, HELL began! PAIN! OH MY FUCKING GOD THE PAIN! EXCRUCIATING! DEBILITATING! TRULY! At times the pain was so INTENSE that I couldn’t even WALK the bike, let alone pedal. As I went along, I focused on the ground, unable to look up. I drooled, unable to close my mouth or swallow. I groaned aloud. It was all but incredibly PAINFUL! But I just did what I just do: I kept going. After all, I was already more than half the trip away, no phone, no way to get any help if I needed any. And yes, today, there were moments when I whole-heartedly considered simply pulling off the trail, finding a spot in the woods and just laying there until the pain passed (or I passed… which-ever was to come first). Honestly. Nobody knows, nobody has the slightest idea or inkling of the pain I experienced today. Never mind that, nobody ever knows the PAIN I experience or have experienced. No. Better to make light of the situation… and, since I doubt I’ll ever forget it… just be too busy being angry. But I keep it to myself. I jot about it here. And I let it go. I makes no difference to anybody else anyway. Odd though, when I think: for others, the consideration, to my experience, in situations like this, has always been “Oh my! That’s quite a long trip.” and then to ask “How are you feeling after that? Sit. Rest. You must be exhausted.” Never mind all that. I was conceived and born and brought into this Creation to be the work-horse. With any grace, I’ll drop dead… on the trail. – What made today’s trip all the harder was the WIND! Primarily from the South, it was a head-wind almost all the way. Even free coasting down some hills the top speed the bike would reach was a mere 16km/h! Biking along the flats was disgustingly difficult, as the wind slammed against me and the bike, pushing me from side-to-side and creating so much drag. I couldn’t build momentum. I couldn’t gain speed. And I was pedalling against the wind for all but the last few kilometres! It was an EFFORT to simply move! And the trail was littered with felled branches and trees. I prayed a hefty tree would come crashing down on me. But, I was alone, nobody to witness the exhaustion and nobody would give a shit even if they had. When I got the the 2nd bench, I took a break, had a smoke, laid on my back, stretched my legs and looked up at the trees. This would be the way I’ll die: on my back, in silence, under the trees, looking through the branches, up to an empty sky. Peace. Soon. – But yes, today’s trip was brutal! – It was also painful going into Richford today. No PO Box. No mailing address there. No connection any more. I love that little town so much, but now? Nothing of “me” is there. Bill was at the store when I arrived (at bloody 13.30!) As I pulled up in front of the store, RICHARD called down from his window above the store! DEAR, SWEET GOD! A familiar face! A familiar voice! Such a delight to see and hear! We chatted briefly and I went into the store, grabbed PopTarts, some cake to have for the trip back and my smokes. Bill was his usual quiet, but delightful self. We didn’t talk long or much because I was running late and the rains were threatening at 16.00. But, I’d made it there… NOW for the return! I dreaded that, considering the PAIN! – Off and out the door. But this time? The North Branch to the Richford Rd. to the Berkshire Centre Rd. OK. So there were hills. The winds were picking up and the clouds began to thicken. But the “map” said this was shorter, distance-wise. And… after all the pain I’d just been through, I didn’t really care IF I made it back. So, I resolved to take the time I needed and try the journey. It was SO worth it! At one point on the 118 I looked off to the distance and saw… RAIN! It was COMING up from the South and headed toward me. Well, there was nothing to be done about it. As I coasted (slowly) down the next hill, the wind slapped me, slowing me down and I yelled “Stop!” to the wind… and then, in my head I heard “You can’t stop the wind… from blo-o-owing. No-o-o-o…. No, no, no… you can’t stop it. Can’t you see? It’s the law of the land. Well, well, well, well…” The comfort of the flash-back to Mr.G’s. One of the very precious and very rare times and places I can still turn to… even if only in my heart and mind. And I watched as the rains drew closer. It was still quite warm, so the rains wouldn’t be chilling right away. And I’d already been drenched on a trip back. I decided that, if the rains came heavily, I’d simply hunker-down in the woods for the duration. Hell, if I didn’t make it back? Oh well. So there. – The trip took me up some hills and down others. All said, the “up” hills weren’t quite as bad as I’d expected. And then came the intersection: 108/118. The sign on the 108 is deceiving. It gives only Frelighsburg as a destination. BUT… ignoring that completely and heading in just THAT direction, I now KNOW that the 118 BECOMES the 108 AND it brings me either to the lake OR, as I decided to try this trip… the MIDDLE ROAD! According to the maps, the Middle Rd. is MUCH shorter in distance AND, having traversed it today… indeed it IS! (The usual trip is something like 35km EACH way. Taking the way I took today, including the Middle Rd? 24,58km!!!!! WOWSHIT!) Sure enough though, I did get caught in a bit of a rain, twice. And of course, it made the Middle Rd. just wet enough to be muddy (dirt road, that, of course). But there were breaks in the rain-fall and the travel along the Middle Rd? OH SO SO VERY WORTH THE EFFORT of the hills and such! WHAT a pure delight to walk along that dirt road, in the middle of no-where, silence, just the woods. It took away the residual pain, the annoyance of the winds and all the rest of the trip to. And I truly just took the pace as it went along, actually enjoying each step of the way. PLEASURE! DELIGHT! PEACE! AND… yes, the trip actually DID go quicker, even with the walking up some of the hills! – I got back to the barn at about 15.46… I’d left Richford at about 13.45 or so. THERE! And to think I could have been making this round-trip in only FOUR hours instead of the original 8, or the more recent 6. Well? We live, we learn. I learned. – When I got to the house, Randy met me at the door. “Are you soaked?” Imagine that, he thought of that. I found that so kind. No. I really wasn’t. The breaks in the rain had been enough to keep me relatively dry. I came in, Lyle was in the living-room. Bob rang. Somebody had hydroplaned off the 89 and into a rock embanquement. Bob asked if I’d gone to Richford or St. Albans today. (I have to get there to the CVOEO to get the RENT!!!) They were headed into St. Albans when Bob got back from work. Flu shots. (As they say: WTF? Flu shots? I’ll probably come down with that this year, having nothing to wear for the Winter months… I should be so lucky… death.) Anyway, I asked Lyle if I could toss my clothes into the wash. I was covered with grey mud from the ride on the Middle Rd. Bob asked if I’d like to join them. If they only knew what kind of pain I was in. But I simply declined by saying that I needed to shower and wash the clothes. And so, that was that. And I did so. – The shower felt quite wonderful. The clothes went into the machine. There was a sink full of dishes to be done… some from 2 nights ago. Whilst the clothes washed, I did the dishes. Then tossed the clothes into the dryer. Before they all came back, the clothes were done. So too, was I. – I was up in the room, (beginning this… it’s now 19.52 and I’m in bed) when Bob called up “Dinner’s ready.” I didn’t expect that. I’d grabbed the left-over beans from 3 or 4 nights ago and the one roll that was in the bag in the fridge while they were gone. But they’d brought a pizza! So I went down for 2 slices. indeed… food! Then took Dixie out back whilst I had a smoke. When I came up-stairs, I got my bottles of water and noticed a stain of some kind on my t-shirt!!! So, that got hand-washed in the face basin in the loo (ah… the Shelter days… they linger… HOW they linger) and it’s on a hanger in the tub. – And now? Me? I’m just about ready to call this day “Complete”. My right hand is SO sore. It’s been so since the wood-cutting. Actually, it’s been sore for almost 2 weeks now. But a bit worse tonight. – The rain is still falling but it’s not too cold in here tonight. – OH! The kitten: I watched Randy feed the little thing. It’s head shakes so! But its eyes are open and it takes formula ever so well. (Randy says they’re almost out of formula. I wonder… but knowing Lyle, he’ll make certain there’s more. He’s such a kind heart. He truly is!) Randy says it’s been 4,5 weeks now since the kitten, whom they’ve already named “Bear, came into the house-hold. The little thing is still so small. Me, I’m frightened that it’ll have some sort of terrible defect. Hopefully not seizures or such. Hopefully I’m wrong. If not, it’ll weigh heavily on my soul… it’ll be my “fault” that the poor little thing lives. Saturday evening, the “mother” was back in the yard again. I simply avoided going near her or where she was. Never again. I interfered with Nature once… never again. – OK. Time for a little up-dating and then to sleep. I may have to make a trip into St. Albans tomorrow. I have no walking shoes but hitching will be the mode of transport. I think it’s about 30-40km away. Oh well. When I’m “gone” much can and will be said about me. But one thing that will be the boldest lie: laziness. Do I care, really, what will be said about me? Fuck no! – One closing thought: Nancy repeatedly told me that I was “family”. Today I realised that she was so right… she’s treated me EXACTLY like my “family” treated me. How coincidental of her. Bumfuk.
Tue.8.Oct: 11.07 I’ve been up since 8. It’s only about 10 degrees out there. I’m cold. It begins. My fingers are stiff. I don’t want to get out of the bed. There’s nothing I want to do. I need to ask about jobs. I made a web-site this morning.
http://jakesslerdesign.webs.com/
I’m fed up. Tired. COLD! Time to get out into the sun-shine… maybe work on the back-barn/atelier? –
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Tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day. I really need to get to St. Albans for the rent. I don’t know how I’m going to get there: hitch or bike. I don’t want to take the bike for fear of it being stolen. But I don’t have “walking” shoes any more AND… my left toe is still black from the walk through Milton on 1 July… 3 months ago. So, there’s a decision to be made and I’ll probably make it in the morning. –
But for now, I really must get this posted, get the photos on and get under the covers. It’s “comfy” cool in the room tonight (Randy said today “I feel the rush of cold air when you open your door.” Well… somebody knows that much anyway. – I need to brush my teeth… too bad I don’t give a fuck. – 23.00 Just look at the photos of the work that’s been done round the house, particularly in and round the back barn, and all I can think of is… “too busy being angry”. Oh just fuck you all. Really!
Wed.9.Oct: 0.25 STILL A-FUCKING-WAKE! Head-ache. Not tired. Just fucking closed that fucking GoFundMe shit! Fuck me! Really! “Oh you’re so wonderful!” “Oh you’re so helpful!” “Oh your such a survivor!” “Oh you’ve been through such hell!” “Oh I don’t know how you do it, maintaining a positive out-look.” FUCK YOU ALL YOU LYING SHITS, FUCKTARDS AND BOTCHED ABORTIONS! USELESS,THE LOT OF YOU! Not even 10 cents! Wow! – I want a smoke! I’d like to go sit on the front steps for one but if I open the door to this room there’ll be a bark-fest and Bob has to be awake in about 3 hours! Fuck me again, hello! And I have to be awake in about 7 hours to get the fuck on the road to St. Albans and I’m not tired enough to sleep and too worked- up (or is it too busy being angry? you fuck!) to sleep or even relax at this juncture. And I’d like a soda or something to drink with some flavour and all I have is water. But you know what? I’m such a WONDERFUL person and that’s all that matters (tomorrow my storage bill gets a 100$ lien tacked onto it!) – It’s so nice to begin and end every day the very same way, repeating to one’s self, the same mantra… I want to die. –
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enough to bring out the garbage. Bob has to be on the road by about 3.45 and there’s no sense in putting anything out at that hour of the morning. So, I’ll do that. As for the rest of the day? If I feel up to it, I’ll make the run into St. Albans to the “Community Action” office (so they can take their turn kicking me in the teeth by telling me that there’s nothing they can do for me… fucktards) OR… if not, I now can go and “Hide-away” and paint, write, eat, what-ever at the new “table” in the new “atelier”. Nobody goes back there now anyway. And Randy and Lyle are the only 2 at the house all day and neither of them would go back there, let alone into the front-barn. So, essentially, I could put me in there in the morning and not come out until evening and nobody would know I was there!(Not that anybody actually knows where I am even when I’m sitting in the very room with them!) – Well, 21.38 and my eyes are starting to close. I’d like to have a smoke but I don’t dare walk out the door. So? Time to wrap up the day and get some sleep (that I didn’t get last night). – It was the best of days, it was the worst of days… and I’m still here, typing away into my Journal. Makes me wanna holluh!
Thu.10.Oct: 8.39 Preparing for a day in l’atelier. I just don’t have the stamina today for that trip. – Got the garbage out this morning at about 6.30 or 7.00. Cold and wet.
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not across the whole sky. I bolted up to the room to get the “phone” to take these shots. (I have to start charging and using the MetroPCS phone as camera… back-up anyway since that shit re-boots itself when I WANT a shot! Oh, just more of the fuck-my-life bull-shit… but I’m “busy being angry” and NO, it doesn’t look like that insult will EVER go away!) Some of them got put on Tmblr and FB. The FB is more to give Bob and Lyle access to them than much else since there isn’t a whole lot of shit happening on the page… gee, just pretty kinda much like Twitter after all these years.
But, there we have the SKY tonight… there’s something out there, something happening, something just not “right”. Something’s coming along and it’s not a song-and-dance routine. Oh well… whadeefuk yagunnudoo? Eh? – 21.46 Been in bed from since oh about 20.00 or so. Showered. I want a smoke. Too tired. Going to sleep (I hope). Looked through a lot on Tumblr this evening. MUST add my water-colours and pen sketches to Tmblr and FB! But for right now, tonight, I MUST put out the light… THIS party’s OVER! and I’m exhausted!
Fri.11.Oct: 4.58 I have a depression coming in. I’ve been up for over an hour. And this morning, when, at about 4.30, instead of peeing in a plastic bottle, I got up and went to the loo? BLOODY FUCKING BARKING! FUCKING USELESS DOGS! So, now I’m awake, just waiting until it’s time to go out of the house. I could go to Richford for smokes, or Enosburg for coffee, I could use both. I could bike or I could walk. Either way, I just look forward to getting out of the house and away from the dogs. Can’t move around here with them and nobody does shit to stop it accept little “No.” Fuck me. Really. – Time to catch up on yesterday, see about trying to post some art-work some-where for sale (I don’t have all that much with me), get something more done on the new book and hope with all that the sun comes up in a crystal clear sky so that the morning will be warm enough to take the chill out of the barn. I can run back there for some time… Too bad I haven’t figured how to heat it… yet. – 5.32 caught up with yesterday. Still waiting for the sun-rise. If this morning had been in June, the sun would be rising already and I’d be out in the barn-yay! But, I’ll be damned if I’m going to go out there in the cold! (4 deg. now but a high of 21!) Bad enough my stomach won’t stop the churning and growling and whining. It’s been doing that all morning! Some of it’s from hunger… the rest of it’s from just nerves (and the impending depression that I KNOW is coming!!!) Another reason I won’t go out in the dark and damp and cold… my hands are SO BLOODY FUCKING SORE!!! The joints are actually PAINFUL this morning… particularly the pinkies on BOTH hands. I don’t understand why. The ulnar damage has killed the pinky and ring fingers on the left. But now the right hand is going too. I noticed it starting the other day when I was hammering stakes to make the fences. Just using a sledge, hurt. Oh well… HEART NEXT PLEASE! Annnnndddd… we’re owdduh heeyuh. – So this day went quite along: I locked me in the barn (which is now to become “l’Atelier QCVT”) and worked on a shingle sign for what might become a little “New England business”. It was nice being in there, off in the back yard, in the old barn, in the area that I’d reclaimed, brought back and cleaned up. I put a LOT into there and now, Bob and Lyle are sweet and kind by letting me use the space. – Must to add here, since, for me in my general “depression” (and there really is a constant general depression of late) I managed to put in one more 10z with quite impressive out-come, considering there’d been TWO yesterday. Just sayin’ for the record. SHIT! I’m impressed with me, with the out-come and well, that I even have the capacity! –
Tonight, when I got in, I MADE A WEB-SITE FOR “l’ATELIER QCVT”! I’m going to give this a shot! What the fuck? Why the hell not? If nothing else, it might make for a good “book”… coming to VT and starting a little business in an old barn that I cleaned out. – ANYway… – We had a fire tonight. We kept it going, kept it hot enough to be comfy. Having the cut fire wood close by made it easier but tonight we got through just about EVERY piece of wood that has nails and shit in it! There’s a bit of cleaning to be done behind the barn again, but the old, dangerous wood is gone! I’m so happy! – Lyle got paffed again tonight and Bob started talking about Daisy and Lyle got to crying. Poor guy. It’s been only about 2,5 years since his Mum died. Still a rather raw wound. But then he, Lyle got to saying (again) how much Randy and I have turned the house back into a “home”, how much we’ve become “family” and how he doesn’t want anything to change. It made me feel “good”… it makes me feel “uncomfortable”. I’m here now only because I want to do all the things that I know Bob and Lyle want to have done round the house but can’t do themselves and then? I want to go HOME!!! I need to go HOME!!! and that’s the top thought on my mind every single day. I’m here, right here, so close and before anything happens to take this away, I want to, need to and will… go HOME! – It wasn’t a late night. It was just a heavy night, so to speak, of maybe 4 or 5 hours of them drinking and me grabbing the odd drink. It’s come to the point where I’m the “sober” one in the house… IMAGINE THAT SHIT! But the BDM’s are always close by….
Sat.12.Oct: This morning I was out the door by 10.00 to clean the fire pit. It needed it so badly after last night’s burning of just about everything we could get our hands on. Believe it or not, the ashes were still hot when I lifted the barrel off. But then again, there was a LOT of wood burned and quite a bit of metal with it. So… – As I cleaned the pit, John came to the back yard. He wondered if everybody was still asleep because nobody answered the door when he’d knocked. Me? You ask me? I don’t know. I get up, get out. He commented on the work I do round the place and the art and such… Lyle came out and they all went back inside for coffee. I made a brief “visit” with them to get my own cold coffee and wasn’t asked to stay so I went back out to the barn where I actually “fixed” the floor so that the door between front and back barn now opens and closes freely. It meant taking the slanted boards completely up and stacking them into a configuration like steps. Not perfect, but certainly a LOT better than trying to navigate the slope of the boards as they were. (Bob approved.) It was getting so that it was an effort to get up and down that slope with-out slipping and breaking a bone or something. So now? Another little “task” is complete and I’m happy about that. – This after-noon though, I got SO HUNGRY that I broke down and actually went to the market for a box of donuts, PopTarts (that I don’t particularly like), a bottle of Mt. Dew… 13,00$! Just ridiculous! But I HAD to have SOMETHING for energy and nourishment! HAD TO! I keep doing all sorts of things all day on nothing more than the bit of dinner I eat the night before. Oh well… my body will break down easier when the time comes and that’s what I’m ultimately working toward. There’s method to my madness. – This afternoon, Bob and Lyle asked if I’d like to join them on a trip to St. Albans. I was right in the midst of cleaning the front flower bed, something that’s quite over-due, but I’ve been so pre-occupied in the barn these days. I declined. When they left, I got an extension cord, brought the little “iHome” player to the front porch and played my music whilst I finished cleaning the front of the house… including the gutter along the side-walk! The place is GREAT! again. – Before coming in this evening, I finally fixed the extension cord in the barn. The wires were bare and shorting out so I simply cut and re-wired the plug! YAY! Another little something on my list that I can cross off. And I can feel safer using the cord… as can Bob. OK then! – So Randy and I had the house to our-selves all day. We had a bit of dinner… he went next door for ham and cheese to make croque monsieur for himself. I had the left-over fish sticks and potato “tots”. Not bad. Not a healthy dinner. But filling, none-the-less. – As we ate, Randy told me of how he met Bob and Lyle… as one of those… well… “Internet” things (to put it politely). So this explains the nights at the fire. See? Wait long enough and so much information comes delivered and questions are answered, things get cleared up. No more questions yeronner. – Bob and Lyle returned at about 21.30 or so… they’d gone to Plattsburgh! I’ve been wanting to get to Plattsburgh so much since I’ve come back North. But, oh well. One of these days. – And so… that was the day until…
22.38 *** A review by Tony Mack on Amazon about the book!
One Man’s Perception, October 8, 2013
By
Anthony M. Mack
This review is from: Bitter-Sweet Bitterness A Journal of the Working Homeless (Kindle Edition)
Many thoughts come to mind in reading this journal. Based on proposed personal experience, the journal depicts the trials and tribulations o a man obviously unable to help himsel and rather blames his situations on everyone else. Truly, this is one man’s perception o the responsibility o others to provide the necessities needed in his existence rather than taking on his own responsibility.
Imagine! He bought the book and then had to write what is nothing more than a feeble attempt at scathing. This, from a man(?) who couldn’t provide for his own family and had his mother forge his wife’s signature on a loan to buy a new TV when the banque was about to repo the car, the landlord was about to evict them from the trailer park and his wife was hiding under beds with the children when somebody would knock on the door. Oh well… best to leave it where it is. – Bob and Lyle returned about 21.30. They’d gone to Plattsburgh, visited with some friends who have their own tie-dye business. Good and supportive input from them. – I’m adding jewelry to my dossier on ‘Atelier CQVT! Earrings! According to the guys in Plattsburgh, “put Vermont on something and everybody will buy it!” I’ll hope. – Anyway, tomorrow… a trip to Richford and, I MUST go into Enosburg to get COFFEE!!! Busy day ahead. I am and am not looking forward to it.
Sun.13.Oct: 7.21 Nerves. Body aches. Churning stomach. Warm. Not looking forward to this day’s trip. I don’t know why, exactly. It’s not as if I’ve never done this before. But I just don’t seem to have the energy nor the stamina at the moment. And what’s making it worse is that I think I need to go to the loo and I don’t want to do that until it’s time to walk out the door to get on the road. I’ll open my door and one of the dogs will bark and that’ll set the whole day rolling along with waking the house. Yes, it would be a delight to be able to use the car to make today’s run. But I don’t want to do that, because I can’t afford to put gas into the car and I don’t want to be a mooch. And I don’t want to deal with having to talk about going to get coffee and smokes and such. I’m so appreciative of having a roof, hell, a bed to sleep in. I try to be as independent as I possibly can, and try to do as much as possible for the house-hold. And their appreciation is something dear and novel to me. Oh… I don’t know. I just pray and hope that my bowels will co-operate this morning… and, of course, for the rest of the day. If I only had to go to Richford, I could do all of this in about 4 hours. But the loop into Enosburg will take longer. Oh well… oh well… – 12.14 Back from Enosburg AND RICHFORD!!! Bob offered the car. I accepted. Left at 11. But it’s SO strange… knowing the back roads and short-cuts and spinning round the country-side. Stranger yet? The trip taht would normally take me the entire day just took me an hour. – The house is asleep. The sun is shining. The sky is clear. – TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING!!!!! – 20.53 Dinner and dishes done. Bob and Lyle are in the “Media Room” together, watching TV. Randy is in the living-room watching TV. Me? In bed. My lower back is so painful tonight for some reason. My guts are in knots. I’m tired. But there’s so much I need to get caught-up on with the Journal and the new Atelier web-site and such. But I just don’t have the energy for some reason. And that shit review of the book by Tony… Honestly! It’s been about 8 years since there’s been ANY contact at all with ANY of them, yet… But the thing is, I expected this sort of shit. Only I expected it sooner. It was THE reason I hesitated publishing the Journal. I didn’t want any contact with any of them at all and now? Liz, Tony… who next? In my opinion, it just goes to prove my opinion of them all: they need some sort of tension, friction and dissension. They crave the “drama”. They’ve got no lives of their own so they need to create something negative. I knew it from the beginning and now? It’s proven. I’m not in the same state any more. I’m 100’s of miles away. But they won’t let things be. Honestly. It’s sad and very, very sick. But then again… it’s “them”. I have too much on my own plate right now to be concerned with. Let them stew in their own wickedness and evil. – Meanwhile, I started working on some decorations for Halloween for the house and Bob came to the barn and pulled out BOXES of decorations. This is his favourite holiday and he’s got a massive collections of things to decorate with! But I’m having quite a bit of fun with the old burlap bags and such from the back barn. – There was an advert in the paper for a maintenance person at the Homestead across the road! 1 or 2 nights per week, third shift. Tomorrow morning I’ll take a stroll over to look into it. It’s just what I’d been thinking of asking them anyway! Imagine that! I think it and the advert appears. Hopefully, this will pan out. It would be perfect! –
Mon.14.Oct: Thanksgiving. 8.14 Rain. Today, rain. Tomorrow, ice. Right now, I’m uncomfortably hot. – I had a terrible dream last night of people being in the room for some reason and I’m hoping that I didn’t but I think I groaned aloud! It was that attempt to speak, to yell something, I think I’d wanted to yell “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” but, as it is in dreams and that sleep stage, all I could get out was a groan. Well, I’ll find out at some point of the day. – Today I need to get to the barn, work on those Halloween figures and such and at some point, get across the road for work. It’s mid-month already… and I’m none too happy about it. – Also? STORAGE! SO FUCKED! Just so fucked. – 23.29 Well, this morning I was up, I was out, I was in the barn… for the entire day (no music again for some reason). It was chilly, it was cloudy, it was a “Wint’ry” Autumn day but… I MADE THE GOBLINS! They’re not too bad. Hey! Considering they’re old burlap bags, tomato cages, garden stakes and old twine, and all the materials have been laying in a barn that, after almost 40 years, I cleaned up. I made 2 that light up, I even made one right on the front lawn! But I got the goblins made. I think I was in the barn by 9.00 and at about 16.00 I put the 2 large goblins (or, as Bob calls them… the “Minions”) out on either side of the front porch. As I was back at the barn, getting the old wheel barrow down from up-stairs (that thing is HEAVY!), Bob came home from work and, from about 16.30 to 19.00 he and I worked at decorating the rest of the house. I let him do most of the decorating… he knows how he likes the place and well, my heart isn’t really into the decorating or the holiday. I’m more into the distraction of the creating. Besides, he’s so into the holiday and the decorating that it was actually a joy to watch. – It was la fête Actions de Grâces today and mes gens were out on the roads… even here in town! One guy stopped as Bob and I were decorating to ask “I’m not sure how to pronounce it but can you tell me how to get to Fraylieesburg?” When the second guy stopped, Bob directed him to me. It was interesting: they were Anglos. It was silly… the border at Mores Line was closed and they couldn’t find their way home (or, for me… HOME). But it was nice. I should have gone with them. Oh well. – It drizzled a bit whilst we decorated. My back went. It’s never been “OK” since I don’t remember when. Always right there on the edge of where-ever it’s going. “This old house is falling down around my ears…”, “Screen falling off the door, door hanging off the hinges my back is still sore…” and nobody knows and nobody wants to know and I say nothing, save for here, in these entries. – Dinner was delightful tonight. We had meatloaf sandwiches and corn. Filling. I had TWO! I was hungry all day but, well, I don’t take time for stupidity like eating and, there’s the fact that I still feel like a “non-contributor”. No further comments. I’m too busy being angry. – Tonight though, when Bob and Randy went to bed, Lyle and I watched TWO episodes of “Sleepy Hollow” together! I thought that would be really relaxing and enjoyable and, for the most part, it certainly was. At one moment though, Lyle got up to go to the loo and the Cubby went into one of his jumping modes and turned the little sofa-side stand over. As I got up to put it all back… ZING!!! PAIN!!! BY BACK!!! I ALMOST YELLED-OUT IN PAIN!!! I don’t know what it is that’s wrong, but I do know that I’m out of aspirin and such so it’s not about to get any better. One of these days it’ll finish me off (if I’m lucky at all). – Lyle brought out brownies and ice cream!!! We watched the show and ate brownies and ice cream!!! WOW! That was SO GOOD! Not just the desert, but the kindness. I almost cried, caught myself and didn’t. – Well then, when “our show” was done, there really wasn’t anything worth staying up for and I was exhausted so, unusually, Lyle went up to bed and so did I. I grabbed a quick shower before coming to bed. – But now, at this hour… on this foggy night (and it really is getting quite foggy…) I can’t help but think of how much pain I endure… nobody knows and nobody would care even if they did. It’s been a life-time of lifting hauling dragging pulling – cleaning sick people, caring for sick people, just caring for others and not me
but I’m the angry one who won’t take responsibility
they don’t know
they don’t give a shit
they wouldn’t even if they did know
Time to catch up with things and get my mind off the rest… the phone, the STORAGE and the fact that those shit-heads in NY just will NOT just go away and leave things in peace. It’s been almost 8 years and they just won’t learn enough to leave me alone! I’ve left them alone. But I’m too fucking busy being too fucking angry. Fuck me! Eh?
Tue.15.Oct: 8.26 Other people get a hand up. Other people get a break. I got a break, early in life… thrown down the stairs and a broken collar bone. Yes, I do have trouble accepting that. – 10 degrees this morning. A bit of sun trying to break through the mist of last night’s fog. But it’s warm in here and I have things to accomplish with this day. – 23.34 It was a rather peaceful,warm, sunny day. I got out at about 10.00, took Dixie out for a bit and went to the barn to clean up the mess. Took pictures of the goblins, found an old shirt in the barn, stuffed an old rug in it and put it into the wheelbarrow out front. Then, went to the back to cut some weeds to put round the “torso”. Next, up in the barn to bring down the rocking chairs… the one I like and the one Bob likes. I began cleaning the one I like to see how much work is needed onit. More than I expected but, I managed to get quite a bit done… listening to music, sitting in the yard behind the barn… alone. Oh, and I found some grass seed (from 2002) and spread some of that on the area that I cleaned behind the barn. Will it grow? I don’t know. But it doesn’t hurt to try. Anyway, it was a “productive” day, all told. – I just wish I could get these miseries out of my mind: Nancy-too busy being angry, Tony-unwilling to take responsibility. Nancy’s proven that she doesn’t know shit about me. She never really paid much attention to me on Twitter back in the days when I would post from the bed in 5W101D18. Tony? Can’t leave well-enough alone and of all the people in the world to make such a judgemental statement about me? He made life so miserable for his wife (my sister) that she actually confided with a surgeon on methods of killing him off! Indeed. He had his freedoms and nights out whilst she worked 3 jobs to pay the bills that he accumulated by buying things like snow-blowers and such that they didn’t need but that he wanted. He resented my presence in the house and tossed me out. 8 years later, he still feels that he must get some sort of something from me. Imagine that. Oh well. These are the things that I must leave where they are: Florida and New York. This is neither of those places… this is closer to HOME where soon, I’ll be. Meanwhile, I see smiles on the faces in the house here and this is what I do: leave smiles. – A little up-dating, a little searching and then, to bed. Hopefully to sleep quietly and to wake refreshed… early. I’m showered. The day is over.
Wed.16.Oct: 9.42 I could NOT get to sleep last night no matter what! I was still awake at 3.00 this morning! And now? Waking at almost 10.00? DEPRESSION is setting in and this is no good. Past the mid-month, and the only job prospect is across the road and I’ll be going over there this morning before getting into my “routine”. Honestly? This is “The Shit”! – 20.15 In bed and showered. And by not later than 22.00 I WILL be with lights out! (This lap-top is fucking around BIG time tonight! Cursor all over the fuck, drop-down menus, signs and symbols, dropping letters that I key and missing spaces. Fucking shit!) Anyway… it was am almost un-productive day, all told. I worked on the rocking chair a bit, then tried working on the Atelier sign. But over all, I got nothing done that I could speak of. – Lyle had to go for blood-work this evening. Potassium and liver function. Well, I must say, with the way the week-ends go around here of late… is it any wonder? But I hope he’s OK. He’s ever such good people and not deserving of being anything but at his own comfortable best. And I mean that, heart and soul. – Well, I really think that covers all that has to be accounted for for this day. Other than the usual thoughts of all the evil, vitriolic and acerbic accusations that are made against me by people who’ve never taken the time or the interest in ever getting to know me, my thoughts, my life. Nope. Just so much easier for them to point accusatory fingers into my eyes, judge me based on nothing but conjecture and their own narrow opinions. I still can’t stop remembering how I got me out of the Shelter… with-out any help from anybody. I bought that ticket to Burlington, alone, got up that morning (Oh shit! It’s to be TWO YEARS next Thursday!!! And I can still remember that morning…) alone, left alone, got on the plane alone, and when I arrived? Alone. Alone. Yup… Friends. Family. Bull-shit! The entire lot. – Oh, I never did make it across the road. Tomorrow… I have to wake to take out the garbage and I HAVE to wash my clothes since I stepped into shit in the back yard and got it on my pants. So… – Addendum: Lyle’s right about this house though… the 4 of us work together so well, each with his own personality and capabilities and such. It’s a pleasant departure… in so many ways.
Thu.17.Oct: 5.31 Now this is better. Getting back to the regular routine. And I woke before the alarm! Now, if I can only control my bowels this morning until it’s time to get up and get out of here. I do have to must wash my “barn clothes” this morning, since they have dog shit on them. And the garbage has to be taken out. But I want to work on the Atelier sign a bit too. Besides, it’s still dark out there… no sense in going to the Atelier at this hour… I shouldn’t think. – Happy 4th Year Anniversary Bob and Lyle! Marriage. Imagine that! – 7.47 Yes, the garbage is out. Yes, the laundry is in a bag and ready to wash. No, I won’t be doing my wash this morning. Lyle’s asleep on the sofa. The best laid plans of mice and fuck me. – 23.20 I did get the wash done… it finished at about noon or shortly there-after. Poor Lyle had gone to bed at abut 23.20 last night and laid in bed awake until just before Bob went to work this morning. So he tried sleeping down-stairs. It didn’t help. Finally, at some time round 11.00 he went to bed and slept for a few hours. And I think that I’m terrible about sleeping. We should always compare… there will always be those who make our tribulations as trivial as they truly can be. – SO… I spent the day browsing the computer, working a bit on the Atelier sign (not much… just a bit) and being a good-for-nothing. But I’m justifying it with the fact that I’m due for another run into Richford either tomorrow or Saturday so, I’m entitling myself to the day “off”. Hey! I might be going to get my smokes, but nobody can say that I don’t actually WORK for them… pedalling up and down the hills and roads in all sorts of weather. And I don’t ask for favours. SO there! – Oh! This evening Kitten (currently being called “Shadow”, previously called “Bear” and mostly “The Kitten”) went to the doctor for a check-up. 6oz under-weight and a bit on the slow-growing. But when I think of how that poor thing was simply abandoned in the grass, a newly-born thing, umbilical still attached, wet, hardly a heart beat… in the cold. Today, the little girl (they’re still not positive but they’re believing “she”) is fluffy, calling for food, walking about the house and generally behaving like a feline. Me? I know she’s come into the best house possible where these people will nurture her beyond words. And I try to believe that I found her because she was supposed to live. But I still wonder what the ramifications of her birth and abandonment will lead to. And it worries me… terribly. I did say, and still feel, that if her life is important and one of us, she or I, must go, then the one to “go” will be me. Give my life so that she can have hers. It’s fair. – Tonight we had steak, brussel sprouts and a fettuccine (which I craved but didn’t accept). STEAK! A bit over-cooked, but delicious and enjoyable. The portions of meat were “served”. I had SOME sprouts. But the pasta didn’t make it to my corner of the table and I wasn’t about to ask. Just before dinner was done, it was offered… Lyle finished it. Immediately after dinner, I took Dixie out for the 2nd time today and we played with the Frisbee. Then I came back up to the room to work on the sign and to generally goof-off… – At one point, I went down-stairs to tell Lyle and Bob of a post that Randy put out talking about leaving the State in the hopes of fining someone (he’s just SO desperate to have someone in his life!!!) and to have a smoke out back. The drape to the living-room was drawn and as I slightly pulled it back… the 3 of them were on the love-seat, B&L standing and I didn’t see but know, R laying there. Well, that’s how they met in the first place so? I do wonder why I’m not included in any of this. But then, they probably see me as the hopeless nerd who just doesn’t quite “fit”. Oh well… whilst they were at the vet, I took a quickie 10z/boots. I don’t care. I’ve never really been “understood” and don’t care to begin now. As for Randy and leaving the State in search of love and romance? Sad… Me? It’s not “resignation”… it’s just that I don’t give a fuck and have found that I can trust me and nobody else, really. So, this is how it is to be. – 23.38 and I am going to post and put out the lights! The week-end is coming, I have travelling to do, Bob and Lyle will be going to take in a movie at some point and I enjoyed being up at an early hour this morning and would like to do so again tomorrow. So on this note… Happy Anniversary Bob and Lyle (4 years… married)! Randy? Grow the fuck up. And as for the rest of Creation? Fuck off and good night.
Fri.18.Oct:: 6.17 Clouds in the sky, looks like… wait… it’s raining. Dark and raining. Autumn. But… but… BUT it also looks as if the Christmas cactus is about to BLOOM! FLOWERS! HERE! Imagine that! Well, the wonders of the world. It would be nice if it would. (Too bad it’s not doing so in Richford.) – And on the agenda? I don’t know. I think I’ll work on the Atelier sign, put the flip-flop dresses on the web-site (since, in fact, I DID make them) and for the day? I don’t know. I just don’t know. – Storage is now up to 140$. I have some very serious thinking and plotting and planning to do. And again this morning I ask: Why did I have to wake up at all? – 23.53 Just in from a brief fire with Lyle. Smelling of smoke, not going to shower. Need to get some sleep. Need to ride to Richford in the morning. – Painted the sign, surfed the web, looked for writing refs. – Pizza for dinner. Dixie out x3 – Sick about the date, the joblessness. – Good stuff on FB. Shit remark fm Essex Jct on Twtr prompted me to actually reply! Some moron talking about how he spent 2 years in a tent. BFD Bozo! And the shit about “I didn’t ask for any help” and “I did it all on my own”. So? Good for you. I’m happy. But don’t get into my face about my book and experience. I haven’t gotten a tax refund in 25 years so I PAY my way. Eat my shit. – I stink. Need sleep. Probably won’t get much because of needing to bathe.
Sat.19.Oct: 9.11 and indeed it is. I over-slept… well, just didn’t have the energy to get up at 7 with the alarm. Woke at just past 8. Not feeling well. But the sun is shining (right now) and I have to get out of here. Just waiting for “the coffee to kick in”. Didn’t get to sleep until about 1.00 or later this morning. And this morning, stomach’s a bit sour and I’m tired. But wtf as they say. We’re off and running and running and running. And yes, it’s another day when something, some shit, snaps the “too busy being angry” bull-shit back on. FUCK YOU! REALLY! – 15.46 Left the house at approx. 10.30, took the Middle Road today and arrived at Mayhews at about 12.15! Abbie was there! Always a delight seeing here. And today, I wasn’t in such a rush because of the great timing! Not to mention, I enjoyed the ride (except for the fact that my knees are going terribly bad of late and the pedalling is becoming SO PAINFUL!)
BUT… as I walked up the hill in Berkshire, there, on the side of the road, the cutest little snake! A baby! Adorable! (I found out, thanks to the Internet: Northern Ringneck… very docile and “helpful”. Had I known… I had to think: it’s out here now and at any moment the temperatures will be dropping and the poor little thing will freeze… but there’s no room for another pet in the house and I certainly don’t have the stability to offer it housing or shelter. Alas… But it was such a delight to see!) And so, 2 boxes of PopTarts, a bottle of tea and 4 packs of smokes (and 40$ less on the card) and a little chat with Abbie and Walter and I was back on the road. – Today, I decided to head up to the BORDER!!! to check on how to save my records with Canada. A “new” fellow at les Douanes. He tells me that I have to go to St. Armand or Stanstead. OK! St. Armand at the 89 is about 21km away. Stanstead is all the way over at Newport! So! St. Armand it is then! And, providing the roads (I know at least half of the route…) aren’t all that bad, I should be able to make the trip in no time at all! Besides, it gives me an excuse to go HOME… at least for a day (and maybe scout about for my “return”?). – That aside… I’m at fucking wits’ end with Diane Olsen at this point – I should be working at the local PO! I should be working at a well-paying job that I like! I should be able to simply cross the border and go HOME with-out all the bull-shit! I shouldn’t have to be thinking of making a trip up just to try and clear my reputation! The bitch got her fucking money back! The courts dropped the fucking case. It should be all over and done. But NO! I’m fucked right up through my ears and she? She dances and prances about as if nothing ever happened and I never entered her fucked-up existence! Yes, I’ll admit it: If I could find a way to destroy her like she’s destroyed me, I’d do it in the blink of an eye. And more? Can’t help thinking: the fucking audacity of Nancy… did SHIT-ALL-NOTHING from the beginning of the DaysInn bull-shit and then slaps me with the “angry” stupidity? Go the actual fuck to Hell BITCH! To heave read the DeadArtist Journal, learn about my past, “follow” me from the bed in the Shelter and through the move North and then to say something that rude, that hard, that nasty! THEN to follow it all with slapping “blame” on me!? and waltzing away. Nah. Fuck her… or, as we used to say… Fuck HUH! – 18.50 Hungry. Tired. Hornswaggled into a 13$ ticket to go to a Halloween thing. Bob and Lyle were ordering tickets for this Halloween party-thing they want to go to and got Randy and I into it. I don’t want to go. “You must remember how I never liked the party life…” (Janice Ian). Not to mention it just adds to the burden of my debts. The ticket was 10$ plus the damned fee to order. Honestly! Why do people do this shit? I know: they have the best and the kindest intentions. They really do. Bob and Lyle are amazing people. So I suppose I’ll just have to go along with the thing… and hope that something happens between now and the 26th to make it so that I can’t go. I don’t know what, exactly. But it’ll have to be good so that they don’t lose the 13$. I have some thinking to do! – Right now I’m just tired, hungry and for some reason, of late, my whole patience thing is ready to snap. Much of it is because Chica’s barking is on my last nerve – I still pee in a bottle because of her and that tard owner of hers just quietly soothes her with unadulterated bull-shit. I can’t step out at night for a smoke. I don’t dare to go down the hall to the loo after everyone’s gone to bed for fear of waking the house when that useless piece of FLEA-INFESTED SHIT starts yipping at me. I’m just at the very end of it all. – 18.55 Going to lay down… try for sleep or something. Avoidance.Depression. Anger. Rage. Sleep. – 24.39 still awake, I did take a bit of a half-sleep nap but was hungry so I went down to look for the left-over roast beef.. GONE! The idiot threw it out! So I tossed some grain and onions in a dish and nuked it. Made a bit of sandwich from egg salad and brought up to my room to eat. All the while Chica barking!!!! I posted barking control o nFB. Lets see what reaction THAT gets! Finally I got pissed, went down for a smoke, peed out-side the back door and came up to shower… SHOWER! First in 2 days! Then computer browsing and a bit more on the book, finished a box of PopTarts. – Raining. Will rain all night. Nicer tomorrow. But COLD coming by week-end, no coat, no clothes for the Winter and soon, ALL will be GONE GONE GONE! – I’m tired. –
Bob and Lyle returned at almost 22.00 or so. I stayed in my room and didn’t bother to go down-stairs. No prob. Don’t give a shit. And I particularly don’t want to be around that barking menace! Seriously, this is getting to be too much. But I smile through it all anyway. Why not? Speaking on it will only cause bad feelings amongst the house-hold and me? I’m still packed. One of these days I’ll just put the shit into the barn where it’ll stay for the next 40 years and me? I won’t even be a memory. That will be MY ultimate Peace.
Sun.20.Oct:: 0.49 Really? Something down-stairs made a bit of a noise and IMMEDIATELY Chica yips, causing Ellie to bark. Really? At this hour? Really? FUCK YOU! – It’s 1.11 on Monday morning. I just can’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep. It was a “trying” day for me and then the night? Well, no shower after a day of sanding an old chair. My hair, my face, my eyes… just covered in the saw dust. I feel like shit and yet, I’m in my NH sweats and in bed. ICK! Hopefully I don’t have any bugs or what-ever. But then again… I don’t care. If there are any bugs, let them bite, let them be toxic. So, that much said, the day… I didn’t get out of the room until almost 10.00 and even at that, I had to hear the fucking little bitch bark as I got down the stairs to the kitchen. Bob was cooking, invited me to breakfast with them but I just had to get out of the house and away from Randy and that little shit of his. Bob said “Good-morning. Are you going to have breakfast?” I didn’t stop moving to the door and just replied “Maybe after the Mexican invasion is cleared.” Randy was at table already. I know it’s rather judgmental of me, but it annoys me to no end: He has an income, sits all day watching TV with Lyle, yes, he helps cook dinner, but to sit all bloody-fucking day, doing nothing, and won’t even wash dishes in the sink? There aren’t that many, and it isn’t all that difficult, but he won’t lift a finger. Sits in the dark in his room because he doesn’t “want to use the electricity” to turn on a damned lampe, showers maybe once per week (but then again, does nothing to warrant bathing, I suppose), BUT he’ll do laundry on a constant basis, and that’s because of the FLEAS on that useless piece of Mexican shit he has for a “pet”. And the FLEAS? OK. Let me get this out of my gut: He WON’T do anything to stop the fucking barking… and he WON’T do anything to address the FLEAS on that “thing”. Bob and Lyle bust their arses with sprays, powders, baths, steaming the carpeting, and all the while, NOTHING… jack-shit NOTHING gets done to address the fact that, no matter what they do, that fucking FLEA-BAG keeps harbouring the vermin! The thing sleeps in the bed with Randy, so his bed gets infested, then the carpeting in his room. Dixie and Ellie sleep in that bed, thus, they too get the FLEAS. Then carry them round the house and, well, there’s just no stopping the infestation. Bob and Lyle had to buy flea collars for their dogs… AND THEY BOUGHT ONE FOR THAT CHICA-SHIT! SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? THEN the little piece of shit takes a dump IN THE HOUSE! On the carpets, in the down-stairs hall, in the “dining room” where the food-storage containers, food and cook-ware is stored. HONESTLY? And Randy’s response? “Chica… no… bad girl.” Fuck you fucktard. Same shit when it barks for no reason. I mean, even this evening and into the night, as late as 23.40, that moron-shit was barking at nothing. And it’s the same shit: Chica, no, bad girl. FUCK THAT! SLAP THE DAMNED THING! I had to think: He won’t leave it in the house alone. They go out to the market, to the stores, to any-where and Randy’s right there with the damned thing. NOW they’re using the “Service Dog” line. “Oh, he’s lost with-out her.” and “She’s the only thing he has in life.” He’s over 50 years old! No fucking balls! And, well, yes, that’s up there on my “Major Shit List”… men with-out balls! “Oh, he’s had such a hard and miserable life.” Right. Me? I’ve been floating on some bloody magic carpet, noshing bon-bons and singing merry-tunes. Yup, that’s me. (And I’m “too busy being angry” because I have no right to be angry. And I don’t take responsibility for anything. And, I’m a thief… a FELON! OH PLEASE JUST RAM SOMETHING HUGE AND ROUGH AND SPIKED UP MY FUCKING SHIT CHUTE!) Well, so much for the bitch-fest. – This evening, when I finished for the day with the hand-sanding of the rocker, I was listening to the iPod and “Rockin Soul”, Hues Corporation. I actually cried, dancing behind the barn, looking North, into the clear sky, and remembering how much JOY that song always puts into my soul. I mourned the loss of time, of those people I truly LOVED and miss so much these days. It was “Bitter-Sweet”. It was morbidly happy. For those few minutes of that song, there was JOY in my very core, and sadness as well. And yes, I cried… but only a bit… today. – I was quite proud of the work that I’ve done here. The barn is in order. The back of the barn is cleared and cleaned. Daisy’s garden exists again. The property looks quite nice. As Lyle said, just Friday night: “I thought I was just going to sit and die here, in this shit-hole.” And he tells me that I’ve done such a wonderful job at bringing it back. He does appreciate all that I’ve done. I suppose that takes the “Altruism” out of it. But for a change, it’s nice to know that somebody notices and is thankful for my pain, suffering, and the effort I put in. – So, I came into the house and showed a picture of the chair to Bob and said “OK. Now tell me you don’t like it any more, now that it’s cleaning up.” He didn’t seem too impressed. He fixes on the L-bracket and little repairs. I let it go. I mentioned the fabric to re-upholster. Apparently, some-where in the house are remnants of the upholstery for the chairs already in the parlour. Going shopping for fabric was mentioned. Me? My take on it is: I’ve done the cleaning of the chair, I’ll do the sewing (by hand of course) to re-upholster. But I cant’ do the shopping for fabric. So? So the chair will be cleaned up, but that’s as far as it’s going to get. Then Bob mentioned the other chairs in the barn and claims that there are more that could be re-furbished. When I mentioned that they’re missing rockers, legs, arms, Lyle said something about professional furniture restoring! The chairs are not only useless at this point, but this house has SO much in it (Bob still hasn’t found the Flash drive he’s been looking for since I got here) that there isn’t room for anything at all any more. In fact, the recliner that Penny brought over a week or so ago? It’s still on the back porch! But looking into “professional furniture restoration”? OK. – I wasn’t planning on joining dinner tonight, but Bob actually came all the way to the room to ask me to come to dinner. I went. Hot-dogs. I had, all told, about 5, with about 25 chips, no buns. When food isn’t offered, I don’t take. I did have to walk over to get the crisps, the franks were in a bowl in front of me. But nothing else was offered, nor moved toward me. I don’t take what isn’t offered. But the 5 franks were, I suppose, OK. Lyle even offered the last one to me… as I washed tonight’s dinner dishes and put them up (while Randy went back to the living-room to watch TV). Oh, at dinner “Great fries, Randy. Thank you.” Are you quite serious? He put them on a metal sheet and into the oven. Oh well. Let it go. – And so, as I typed a few lines here, Bob was out on the street, having a smoke, and he waved up to me. I joined him. We talked about the decorations on the front. He’s pleased with them and mentioned how MUCH was done with NO money invested. We talked about adding a bit more. He’d like one of the old plows from the barn to be incorporated! Yes, me too. But I hauled them from the back barn to the front… ALONE… and they’re HEAVY! There’s no offer of any help. Oh well. (Knowing me, the plows will make their way to the front yard… sooner or later.) But, the bottom and top lines are: the efforts are appreciated. I believe that had I not done anything, nothing would have been done at all. – Meanwhile and meanwhile, I’m almost out of PopTarts again! I’ve been rather living on them, and there’s only about 20$ left on the card until the first of next month (and I’m not looking forward to that either… behind in rent, storage will be auctioned and I can’t save anything anymore!). – Every day, all day, nobody knows what’s in my heart and soul and on my mind. And I keep thinking: When I had that break-down, at the age of about 14, my Mum said “He need help! He’s calling for HELP!” and my “father” replied “I’m not wasting any of my hard-earned money on THAT!” and so, it continues through the life-time… not worth a helping hand… just not worth it… never was, am not, never will be.
Mon.21.Oct: 8.55 It got down to minus 6 last night, even though the forecast called for only plus 4. – The laundry is done and on the line. Bed linens, NH sweats, towel… It’s about time. I mean, Bob got a lot of wash done yesterday, Randy is forever washing something. And last night, Lyle told that the dryer is on propane! Had I known, I’d have never used the dryer. But I don’t have clothes here. I don’t have Winter clothes here. And I’m about to lose all the clothes I own… I don’t even check my e-mails any more because of the notices from storage. Thank you so much to all my “friends”. No, I don’t take responsibility for anything. Fuck me. And they do. – My thumbs are cracked and bleeding this morning from the work on the chair yesterday. Painful this morning, with the cold (and the dampness of the laundry). But nobody knows about that. And nobody will. Why the fuck should I care? Really. Why bother? This is how it’s been. Always. – Well, a new day. Monday. Almost the end of the month. And my guts are knotted. And I’m very much alone. – Today? I’ll finish the work on Bob’s rocker. Maybe finish the sign for l’Atelier. Why I bother with that, I’ll never know. Defeat. Just plain and simple. I’ve no mind for all of this. Hopefully there will be good days to go HOME to come… soon enough. – 20.41 SHOWERED!!! IN BED WITH CLEAN LINENS AND NH SWEATS!!! OH WHAT A FEELING! CLEAN! AT LAST! – Out the door at 11.00. I tried to work on Bob’s rocker this morning but it was just too humid and the old varnish just goopped the sand paper and I’m on the last sheet of coarse so I can’t afford to waste any at this point. Too bad I can’t rely on “friends” to get more. But this is a venture into business and I’m going to have to go it alone. Although, Bob “shared” the pictures of the chair that I posted to FB and on that post is a link to l’Atelier!!! Hopefully somebody will notice the work and the art and something good will come of this. (I can’t help but wonder why some people can and others can’t and no matter what I try, I just seem to can’t. It makes no sense to me. I work very exceptionally hard at what-ever I do and yet… it all comes to nothing.) – People should know how many times in a day (and night) I actually have to let out a “NO!” when the thoughts of how difficult it is for me to even move my fingers any more. And how much the whole income situation and joblessness situation bothers me. Just because I don’t mourn all the time, people must think I don’t give a shit. But if I DO speak, it never fails… I’m whining. Even to the comment from Nancy… of all people… She read the DA Journal. She knows better. But, that’s the way it’s always been, that’s the way it always will be and I need to simply go along with it because there’s nothing I can do to change it. – Meanwhile, since I couldn’t work on the chairs (Bob’s and mine), I did it: I attacked the south wall of the barn! Well! It wasn’t as bad as it looked. But then again, the whole barn has been that way. Another 7 hours of working on the barn. It’s not finished, but it looks much better tonight. I even added another step to the stairs going up to the loft! One of these days I’ll just get to them and repair them completely. But the fact that the floor sunk so much makes it a bit more difficult. Today’s effort was primarily to make room for the swing to be brought in. I don’t know that I’ll be able to do that on my own, but of course, I’ll be giving it a try, because that’s the way I am. – It still bothers me that I can’t afford to pay into the house-hold. Yes, the work done would probably cost so much more than the rent. But that doesn’t help pay the bills. I need some kind of seed money… but fat fucking chance of that ever coming along. Even for the new business. – Dinner tonight… I was called… one pork chop, come au gratin potatoes and some peas. I didn’t eat all that much. I don’t feel that I should. Not because of anything that’s said. It’s my own “mental problem”. I know this. I’m aware of it. I even thought on it today. But, it’s been too, too many years and I’m too, too old and there isn’t all that much time to change anything anyway. – Oh, I found 2 more oars as I cleaned today and this evening I mentioned, jokingly, painting “Lake Carmi, Vermont” on them and putting them up for sale. Lyle tells that they come from when they owned the bowling alley on the lake, so it would be true. Then he and Bob agreed that people would buy them. “Do you have any idea how much people would pay for something like that?” Well, it’s something. Something more to add to a list of things that keeps going. I’m not planning on surviving long enough to complete that list. – My thumbs are cracked from using the acetone to clean the chairs and the cold and the sand paper. A bit painful. But, nothing I’m not used to. – And the book is back on the “LIVE” list again so that’s good. Now I need to get busy with the next one (or two)! – And it’s 20.56 and I’m in bed, showered, clean, clean linens and hungry. I had a craving for a glass of milk when I came from the barn. I don’t “take”. Of course I don’t. – Time for a bit of browsing along the Internet and then to sleep (sleep?). Tomorrow’s forecast is for rain and there’s barn work to be done! I can get an early start on that. – Always something to do, to complete, to finish. I owe it to these guys. – OH!!! By the way? I did my wash this morning, after mentioning how many times Randy’s done wash? Imagine: I came back into the house at one point shortly after beginning the barn work and… the washer was going! Then the dryer! Randy had slept-in until after noon. Says Lyle, he didn’t sleep well last night. Shit! He has an income, has his meds and food paid for watching TV and he doesn’t sleep well. Imagine that! – Well, so much for this attempt at getting to sleep early. It’s after mid-night already and I’ve just popped my head back in from hanging out the window to have a smoke. The wind is actually quite warm, but blowing in the most erradic directions! Some of the smoke probably came back into the house! Oh… typical of my existence. –
But being awake late was actually worth it tonight. I checked my Twitter account earlier and “Word On The Street” in Baltimore actually gave the book a mention! And they did an article on the Homeless in NYC and mentioned 30th Street! It made me cry… truly. I miss the guys I met there. I still have a strong connection to them. And it drove deeper the fact that, as Silas said: I still live as though I’m still Homeless. Probably because I’ve never really known what it’s like to be other-wise. “Homes” are something that can be taken away at any moment. Shelter is something that can be snatched from anybody at any time. It’s a shit crime, really. Housing should be something that EVERY person is ENTITLED to. I mean, we weren’t asked if we’d like to be brought into this world, we just ARE. So? If somebody wants to bring somebody into the world, that somebody should be accountable and responsible for that person’s well-being… always. And this shit about “Save The World” needs to go. Save the people in your own home-land! Anyway, it’s thrilling to have such a mention for the book. And it’s a delight to see that SOMEBODY appreciates it. After all… it’s not just “my” story… it’s the story of THOUSANDS of other people… people who have been, like me, abandoned. – Well, I’m going to use this time now to catch this Journal up tonight and post it. The computer fucked about a bit earlier and I don’t want to lose these entries. It’ll be a bit of a difficult morning wake-up. And there’s a barn that needs attending. But, oh well.
Tue.22.Oct: 15.47 WELL! THE LOWER BARN IS DONE!!! DONE, I SAY! DONE! The only thing left to do is remove the metal. I brought the swing in form the yard too. Re-arranged much “stuff” in the back barn since there was “stuff” that was better in the back (like the garden-related “stuff”) and swept the whole place nice-nice. – I re-slept for an hour after the alarm went off this morning. Up at about 7.30, browsed at bit on the Internet and then, by 10.00, I was out the door and in the barn and moving and hauling and sorting and such. Hey! Another 5 hours’ work done. I’m rather proud. Now Lyle need not think about it, Bob need not give it a thought. It’s done. – Randy is BLATANTLY not speaking to/at/with me at all. As if I should give a fuck one way or another. But, he did make sure to tell Lyle that I’d put the swing into the barn. Honestly? Like a little old woman, that one. Oh well… it’s all probably because of the “barking” reference I posted to MY FB page. Sweetie, if what I posted bothers you so much, DO something about it. Period. – Ick! There’s all sorts of black dust and shit in my nose. Must make certain to shower before bed tonight… Cleanse. – And so, Bob’s home from work and in the kitchen throwing something together. And once again, in spite of being so damned hungry I could almost cry, I hope I’m not called to table. I don’t feel I should be eating “their” food. Not angry, not negative, nothing more than that I just don’t feel I should. – Tired too. I’d like to nap. But I don’t dare lay on the bed. I’m covered in “old barn” dust. – 22.18 I’ve been in bed from since about 19.30, because I’m a bit tired, because my back went a little off whilst working in the barn and because I’m really hungry, even though I ate rather well (at Bob’s urging). But I’m truly hungry. Anyway, I’ve been on-line looking at much of nothing when I just thought I’d have a smoke out the window. Well! WELL! I went to move the board that covers the vent down into the dining room and, unfortunately, it “snapped” down onto the vent itself and… of course… CHAOS! DOGS FUCKING BARKING, FUCKING DOGS BARKING JUST FUCKING BARKING! And, of course, who starts? That fucking piece of Mexican rectal-breeding shit! I’m like a prisoner! I don’t go to the loo, I don’t go out to have a smoke, I don’t go for a snack, I get into the room and I’m locked in here! Especially at night! I mean, if I ever had to take a shit or puke, I’d be… well… S.O.L. Puking would be done out the window, to be sure. Shitting? There’s that bed-pan in the barn that I really need to bring in and clean… perhaps I’ll do that tomorrow. if for no other reason than to make a point. – My nose is sore, SORE! Something from the barn got into the left nostril and it’s tender. Imagine: No antifungal for my nose, no TABointment for my cracking fingers, no aspirin for my back… and soon, no vit.C. No Winter clothes (and the temperature is supposed to drop to 2 tonight which means it’ll be MUCH colder than that and the temperatures aren’t expected to rise again for about 2 weeks…) Oh well. At least I got the barn in order, the flower beds and gardens together, the front of the house together. I’ve done a LOT around here and now it’s time to move out, move along, move on… – 23.47 I stuck my head out the window to have a smoke a few moments ago and, for the most part, the smoke went out the window and to the front of the house. The wind is coming in from the North now so it makes it a bit difficult. Well, I got back into bed and heard somebody thumping about in the hall out-side the door. I paid it no attention until just now when it struck me: somebody sprayed air freshener in the hall!!!!! SO!!!!! It comes to this? OK. So today I took Randy off my FB feed, primarily because I’m sick of all the food pictures he posts and the half-naked men. Mostly, it’s the food that fucking pisses me off. I’m hungry! I work hard around this place! I don’t need to look at pictures of fucking food! SO! I see a bit of a confrontation coming and perhaps it will be tomorrow. Hey! I’m checking the weather. I’ve been packed to leave. I’ve been cleaning the barn… there’s space in there to shove my stuff. I’ll go. Fuck you! And now, it’s time for a nap. Tomorrow morning is laundry to wash the clothes I wore to clean the barn. Hopefully the sun will be out and warm enough to dry everything. And for the day? Since I’ve nothing on my agenda… l’Atelier. I might even bring the lap-top out… I doubt I’ll have Internet. But I can get some writing done… and have a smoke… and possibly coffee with! (I’ll have to figure that one out though… I have nothing to heat water in… oh well.)
Wed.23.Oct: 13.42 And I’m typing on the table in l’Atielier! Imagine that. It’s cold… no, it’s COLD-COLD in here. I’ve got a small utility lampe on the table to give light and some warmth. Halogen. I was hoping that the larger lampes would work, but the don’t. Alas. But this little one give enough heat to keep m hands warm. My feet, however, well, my toes are all approaching the “burning cold” phase. I’ve been in here from since about 9.00. I woke at about 8, and I’m sorry that I did that. But then again, it didn’t matter at all. I wanted to wash the barn clothes this morning and get them on the line to dry but… I’d put the clothes and the laundry soap into a plastic bag. The plan was to put the clothes in, have a smoke, take the dogs out as the wash went, then hang the wash and get into the barn for the day. But when I opened my door, both dogs and the cat were right there… I heard the TV in the living-room and noticed that Lyle wasn’t in bed. SO? I simply tossed the bag of dirty clothes on the bed, grabbed back-pack (with lap-top in it) and the little tote and headed out. As I passed the living-room, Lyle was on the “love seat”, I think he was half asleep and had a rather disturbed look on his face. Oh well… I just left and came right to the barn. – Part of today’s problemme is the issue last night and the spraying of air freshener. But, I keep ring to tell myself: I wasn’t smoking in the room, I was hanging out of the window. The wind blew the smoke back into the room. And I really wasn’t aware the the smell of smoke would go through the door of the room. Well, I know now and will just have to make sure that, if I’m in the room and want a smoke, I’ll simply go to bed from now on. I don’t dare to leave the room after everyone has settled in for the night. It’ll start Chica barking which will (like last night) get the other dogs going. Imprisoned. Trapped. Meanwhile, I’m certain that Randy has a bad attitude that requires a major adjustment (and I’m almost in the state of mind to take an “attitude wrench” to it). But, if anything is said about the cigarette, I’ll simply explain that I don’t want to cause a disturbance in the house with the dogs and I DID hang out the window to have the smoke. (What I won’t mention is the fact that I still pee in a bottle so as not to leave the room… although, if anybody goes into the room today during my absence, they’ll see the bottles of urine… I didn’t stop to empty them this morning. Oh well.) – 13.58 I just had to move the lampe down to under the table. My legs are so cold they’re shaking!!! I have to pee too. But it’s cold out there, colder than it is in here. I’d like to have a little of the cold coffee I have in a bottle, but that’ll just make me colder and have to pee more. What I need in here is a bottle to pee in. There are glass jugs…. he wait. There are some plastic bottles cut into funnels! I think I just found m “indoor loo”. Meanwhile, there’s a bit of an air current coming from some-where. There are gaps in the out-side doors that I’ll need to figure out. Thankful, I found enough plexi to cover the windows and the centre door to the front barn closes quite a bit. The ceiling in this part of the barn is low, so there are ways to keep the place a little warmer than the rest. Of course, it doesn’t help that there’s precious little sun shining today. But the weather forecast is for increasing cold over the next week or more. I need to get to St. Armand. I need to get to St. Albans too. I NEED GLOVES for the bike rides and all I keep thinking about is how, at some moment this week, I’m going to get the HORRIBLE news about storage! And there’s no one to turn to, no one to talk to, and I’m trapped in this situation as well. I don’t know. – Over and over I keep thinking of how there’s really nothing left to keep me tied to “living”. And in all honesty, right now, the ONLY thing keeping me breathing the next breath is that I don’t want to be lying on the ground some-where, shaking from the cold (similar to the way I am right now… although, now, I’m sitting on a chair… shaking from the cold). And I keep thinking of how much the past Winter prepped me for this day. I’m dressed here and now as I dressed in the house in Richford. At least I have enough to put on to keep me from just freezing all at once. One thing though: I’m starting to get tired from being cold. I could almost take a nap. That might be pretty neat: take a nap, go into hypothermia in my sleep. But the idea of dropping dead here, in VT? Naaaah. Too close to HOME. – I’m hungry too. Checked the receipt from Mayhew’s last visit: 7$ left on the card. I don’t know that my smoke will last to the end of the month, and 7$ isn’t going to get me much. More tough time-head… as usual. – Oh, last night I had a dream that everything, and I mean EVERY thing I had or touched BROKE! There was a bit about a stick, a piece of box alder. I don’t know why I had it, but it broke, leaving it no good. Then my phone simply fell apart. I hadn’t touched it, hadn’t used it. But pieces just broke off! I wonder what premonition THAT’S all about. – My hands are getting cold now and I have to pee. Thankfully it’s 14.14 already. Shame: It’s probably AS cold in the room as it i here. – 14.29 Found and old, broke funnel and the cider jug and… I PEE’D! YAY! Now to get warm! – 20.16 I came in from l’Atelier at about 18.00 to a neat and tidy clean kitchen (FUCK ME! I FORGOT TO DO THE DISHES IN THE SINK! Oh well… I’m in the bed and in my NH sweats. Tomorrow morning…). ANYway… 9 hours out there in the cold. BUT, THE NEWS? last night’s dream came true: As I stood at the kitchen door talking (when Bob told me there’s a sub in the fridge for me… and I haven’t eaten it because, well, because…) we all suddenly noticed a puddle on the floor! I look at my boots, thinking there was a lot of dew or something, then I thought maybe Dixie had “gone” but NO! I’d put the coffee bottle into the tote and… I DIDN’T CLOSE IT TIGHTLY! FUCK ME! FUCK MY LIFE! FUCK THE WORLD! It LEAKED… INTO THE iPOD PLAYER!!! And, of course, all over just about everything else that was in there… save, the art supplies. OH MY FUCKING SHIT! JUST what I needed! AND, as I found out after bringing in a bag of pellets and taking out the cinders (and getting THAT all over my clean jeans of course), THE BLOODY COFFEE LEAKED DOWN MY LEG! SO! That laundry that I didn’t do this morning? It’s done now… and hanging on the line. According to MétéoMédia, the temperature is 5 now and is expected to go down to 0 tonight. Rain tomorrow afternoon but that should be OK for the wash… on the line… over-night. Actually? I just don’t give a fuck right now. I’m too tired, too hungry, too just not in the mood or frame of mind to think about it. It’s been a cold day, a day of stomach noises, a day with-out taking a shit, a day with-out food, a day with-out any sense to it at all. – Next! I apologised to ALL for the disturbance last night. Bob didn’t notice. Randy’s still not speak to/at/with me at all, save, the moment when I asked him about the weather report for tonight. Lyle said that, since he came down with fibromyalgia, his sense of smell has become much keener and 2 odours that he can’t tolerate are cigars and cigarettes! Leave it to me, eh? After the fact I thought: THAT’S probably why he was on the love-seat this morning… couldn’t sleep up-stairs in his bed because of the cigarette smoke! OK. So I’m a TOTAL fucktard now. I admit and accept the title. Shit! – As for the entire day? I got my finger nails filed, 2 half-assed sketches (that Lyle happens to like and has asked for a colour version – which was my plan anyway – for “Christmas”) of Lyle and Bob in Hebrew, to be illuminated on velum. Where the fuck I’ll get a frame for it is… well… fuck me again, by the first of next month I’ll be 1050$ in the shitter. And probably with-out anything in storage, and THAT will be the end of me this time. I just can’t even think about losing the little bit that’s in there. And so too, I got the “images” from the lap-top AND the Flash drive organised. Why? Because I had the lap-top in the barn and it got cold and I wanted to warm the lap-top up and there was no Internet so I worked with what I had. I should have worked on the iPod music, but I wanted to sketch at the same time and the image files take less concentration (since I can’t trust the iPod… eg: Henson Cargill is gone yet again for about the 5th time! And that just about covers the day. – OH! Bob said that he’d come looking for me about 90 minutes before I came into the house. I saw somebody/thing tug at the door but thought it might be one of the dogs. Imagine that. So I told him that I must have had the iPod on. (OK. It sounded good at the time.) – Lyle and I had a wonderful chat about him being another one of those “Christians” who has incorporated “all” of the Jewish teachings and traditions and such. Even to the observance of the higher holidays (and Chanukah, of course). He wants to learn Hebrew. I could help in the little I know… when he has the mood to learn. But… – And so, 20.54 I’ve checked the US weather… says there’s moisture in the air as close as Plattsburg but no rain until about 12.30 tomorrow. I can only hope. (Lyle’s looking for a screen to put over the kitten’s – now “Shadow” for some reason… but thankfully not “Lucky”! – box so she doesn’t get out over night. Poor little thing probably won’t understand and the dogs? Who knows. But I’ll bet little Cubby will devise the perfect “escape” plan.) Meanwhile, I’d like to have another smoke, but going out is out of the question and the room is starting to get chilly so it’s time to “Turn Out The Lights”, this party’s over! Fuck me, fuck me, just fuck me.
Thu.24.Oct: (TWO YEARS AGO I LANDED IN BURLINGTON… ALONE… FROM THE SHELTER. And I;d forgotten until the days was passed.) 6.21 I have to shit and I can’t figure out why because the only intake I had in the past 36 hours is a few gulps of coffee and sucking on a tea bag. Hm….. O-k-so-well. How the fuck did it become THURSDAY? This is another week that’s gone by too quickly. Well, it’s not as though I didn’t accomplish anything. The lower part of the barn is DONE and cleared, and the swing is in there. That was what? 2 days? So… But it’s bitter fucking cold out there this morning and I’m about to lose everything, clothes and all. And I’m not … oh what the fuck. Really. Nobody gives a shit. I should stop giving a shit. Time to take a shit, get on with this shit-fucking day. – Born alone, live alone, die alone… while we live we surround ourselves with other people to try convincing ourselves that we’re not alone. – Fuckall. – 8.24 MINUS 6! Just in from checking the laundry. The totes are dry, the rest is impressively almost dry. Given another hour or so, some things might be ready for wear! And me? I’m eating the blueberry yoghurt that’s been in the fridge for the longest while. I have to eat something. And at the rate food is tossed in this house, I’ve taken. Oh well… – 9.16 Ready to nap after a an emergency bout of water-trots. But all the yoghurt is done, and I’ve FINALLY gotten the word-checker thingie working! So! I’m off to nap until 10. Then? Hopefully a day in the Atelier. If not? I’ll sit in the room and be cold. And it IS cold in here! – 21.37 SO! after all the rest of all the rest of this morning, I DID take that nap. Fuck it all anyway. Shortly before 11.00, with Randy and Lyle still very much asleep, I went down-stairs, brought in the laundry from the line. It was quite dry! Just damp spots, mostly on the hooded sweat-shirt that I wanted to wear today. So I tossed everything into the dryer and, whilst the wash tumbled, I washed the bloody dishes in the kitchen that I didn’t dirty but then again, God and Heaven FORBID anybody in the house should do such a thing as wash a dish, pass the Hoover or a duster or a broom or… well, makes no sense in going on about it. It’s not that I resent doing the dishes and the cleaning and the barn and the yard and such. It’s just that it goes SO against my “Life Ethic”. And THAT came from people who believed in working themselves to DEATH… like me! – Next! And so, clothes dry and dishes washed and out the door I went, into the cloudy and dampish day, just before noon. Late start, but who the fuck cares really? It’s not like I have to punch a clock-card or anything. Into l’Atelier! Today I wanted so much to get into the corner in the front barn and get at that chest of books,&c. to see what’s in there… So, as it ran along I got into the Atelier and MY first line of business was a much-needed 10z-naked/my boots/moto-bike 1 quick shot. Not thrilling, but about time and well, MY wont, fuck you very much indeed. Next? The trunk! – Yup, I got the trunk down off of the old cast iron stove and as I did so, I noticed how treacherously steep the slant of the barn floor is under that stove! “Friction” is a wonderful thing; with-out it, that stove would be at least half-way to Boston by now. But, the point of the issue is that the trunk is down! And I DID get to browse through it. Diaries! Diaries! 1904, 1946. Receipts (gas at 16-cents/gallon!).
Photographes. The deed to some parcel of land. Marriage certificate. Nothing of value to anybody other than, let’s say, Lyle (who, by the way, when I asked if he’d like the trunk in the house so that he could sit and go through it said “Not really. I don’t have the gumption. That’s all history and I don’t much care about it.” That’s what he said today… however, a few weeks back he was rather thrilled about the idea and said that I shouldn’t move it because I’d just gotten over a bout of sciatica. Oh well then…). But yes, I was intrigued to learn that this woman who I believe is Lyle’s Great-Grand-Mum was a member of the Order of the Eastern Star (Freemason) which means his Great-Grand-Father must have been a Freemason. There was a medal in there for such and some documentation about Hitler and The War, an I.O.U. for 500$ from some-one, and stuff. Nothing that I’d think would be worth anything to anybody else, as I say, although, I might be able to turn it into a book!!! I just need the time to sit and read through the diaries I suppose. Well, maybe. (But truthfully? I don’t really see me here for many weeks to come… not at this rate of being un-employed and hungry and such.) SO! I looked through the books/diaries and papers and such and as I was getting ready to come into the house to ask if I could bring in the rocker to sit in (because that folding chair kills my sciatic bundle) and if Lyle would like the trunk on the back porch… Randy called through the back door; Lyle needed my help with some fixation of the moment. I most certainly don’t mind helping around the house but I tell you, Lyle was in a miserable mood when I came in. I learnt later that he’d actually started throwing things about the house. Of course, my immediate thoughts go to the fact that I’ve not paid rent. But you know? I’ve busted my arse (almost quite literally) around here for almost 2 months and, as I think on it, for what? One “half meal” per day if that? (And the sub that was purchased for me 2 days ago will probably be tossed because it’ll be nothing but mush in the wrapper by now… not my fault.) A quick shower and a place to sleep. That’s it. Today I actually thought: If I could figure a way to put a bit of heat in, I could actually move into the back barn and nobody would notice. It becomes very much like I’m the “grounds keeper” who gets a room and meal in exchange for work performed. I DO NOT SAY SO WITH ANY MALICE! (FUCK ME WITH THE PARANOIA THOUGH, EH?) I’m grateful that I have a roof/room. And it IS rather funnish and I enjoy doing the work round the place. But… again, my paranoia of the talk behind my back, particularly when I think of the “closer relationship” between Bob and Lyle, and Randy, and me, the “stand-offish, too-good-for, better-than” &c. In my gut I’m sure the day is soon where it’ll all come pouring out. And if “Life” follows as it has been, that day will be in the midst of the coldest snap of the season. Oh well… Meanwhile, Lyle wanted to do some repairs in the living-room and because he couldn’t find screws and such, and because he had to use the electric drill, he was annoyed. Me? I KNOW there aren’t any screws or nails or such in the place! I KNOW this place better than anybody here at this point. But, long story short, Bob brought a box of screws back and he broke-down and actually put the block of wood behind the couch as Lyle wanted so the couch no longer bangs against the plug in the out-let as it’s done for the past 2 years but HAD to be remedied TODAY AT THAT MOMENT. OK. O-Well. That’s that. – SO! Since I was in the neighbourhood, I helped with dinner this evening. I mashed the potatoes for the paté chinois that Randy decided to make AAAaaannnddd… tonight I had TWO, count’em, TWO portions! I got up and helped me-self to TWO portions! It won’t make up for the day of fasting, but it will help with keeping me running and moving and working… (working). AAAaaannnddd… before the dinner was served, I had the pots and pans Randy used, washed and put up. Hey! As the Pointer Sisters sang it… I’m the one! And Dixie got a run with the Frisbee. I AM the one! – Dinner done, Lyle got the dishes. I got a smoke and then it was up to the “cooler” where I got the iPod player back to “functioning”. It’s not perfect. The not all the buttons are functioning the way they should, but the clock is working so that’s OK for now. I got a shower in tonight, which was a delight on two accounts: clean AND warm! It’s SO COLD out now and SO CHILLED in the room! – BUT… NEWS! THE CHRISTMAS CACTUS IS BLOOMING! BUDS! LITTLE RED BUDS! I COULD ALMOST CRY! THAT’S RICHFORD! And it went through some Hell to get back up here to VT! AND IT’S BLOOMING! (Honestly, I’m such a shitbrainedfuckup… getting all happy-excited over a damned plant… but… that plant comes from good memories and good feelings and hard times, alone… ALONE! ALONE! ALONE! And it’s blooming! Flowers! And in season! OK? OK!) – And so, (it’s now 5.15 on Friday morning as I recap from the notes jotted…) I am SO, SO TIRED! I’d kill for a PopTart right now but the store is closed, I’ve only 7$ on the card and just over a pack of smokes, so that’s not happening tonight). I just want a smoke and something sweet to eat SOOoooo… I’m going to do to sleep! – PS: Nobody brought the garbage out today. I thought Bob had done. Bob thought I would do. How silly of both of us. (Oh, but when it came to Randy’s attention he said “I’dve brought it out.” Well! Imagine that! “DO”? OK. Let’s just leave that alone.)
Fri.25.Oct: 4.15 WooHoo! Almost like the good old days of waking at 4.30. (Ah… the NYC days.) Why am I awake at this hour? No reason other than the fact that I was “lights out” by 22.00. So, 6 hours later and… TahDah! Awake. Bob’s still home. That’s how early THIS is. But my stomach is grumbling and soon, there’ll bea “shit run” and this morning, that will be followed by a smoke out-side and fuck the dogs and the house-hold. Alas and oh well. But for now, I’ll pop back to yesterday. I put notes down last night and it’s time for to fill in the blanks. – PS: BLOODY FUCKING COLD in this room! It’s about to be Richford all over over again. Météo says it’s 3 ressentie zero. Me? In this room? I say it’s zero ressentie minus 10. But that’s just me… – 5.19 Caught up with yesterday and I’m off to the loo, probably down-stairs, to shit my brains out and to have a smoke. I DREAD THIS! Chica’s alread barked at Bob as he got ready for work. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I shouldn’t be existing in this constant lock-down dread! But I have to shit! So… – 5.56 and I’m back from a trip down-stairs to the loo and out for a smoke… and no “Getuse” (which is the closest I can find, after some searching, for the spelling of a word that I know in German, can’t imagine what the word would be in English, and can’t imagine how else to spell it). No dogs barking or running about and well, not waking the world. The bad news? My stomach is still churning and I still feel as though I need to take a huge shit! Oh well… it’s another day. – As I stood out back having my smoke I thought: I need to work on the next book AND thinking of books: My Kafka is in storage. I just have to make up my mind to get something DONE to save the storage!!!! And I NEED to to it NOW!!! So today I must split “me” from “me” and try maybe next door at the store and/or across the road at the Homestead. I MUST!!! – (Sat. morning already! 1.03) It became quite the day! I spent much time on-line this cold morning. Then Bob came home early for some reason and took the other 2 out to what was supposed to be Plattsburgh (I wasn’t invited, I noted) but ended up being an almost 4 hour trip to the new Walmart in St. Albans… again. For people who don’t have money, they can certainly find ways to shop and spend. – So, whilst they were out, I Hoovered the room at long last, adjusted the storm windows in the hopes of keeping some kind of warmth in this room. It gets so bitter cold. I keep thinking of the Winter in Richford. This isn’t much different from those days. – I brought in the rocker from the barn, the one I’d been working on for me. It’s not finished, No-where near done. But I can’t sit on the folding chair much longer, especially in this cold and damp. – Then… THEN! Into the loo for a HAIR-CUT! This time it turned out pretty good, I must say. This “new style” I’m trying is going along rather well. Of course, as soon as I cut the hair, I regretted losing the little extra warmth the longer hair provided. But it’s done. – So… since I was all sort of caught-up for the day, something took me and I decided to try giving Fran a call. Well! The conversation was good, interesting, and informative in a way. And it lasted just over 2 hours! Come to find out, JSan lost the house and is sharing a flat in St. Albans these days. Fran hadn’t heard from her in about a year. Dough knocked some girl up and is now a father again. Fran still says he has nothing on me when it comes to that car. And speaking of cars.., she says she bought one for me, Devon did some repairs on it and they were to give it to me when I arrived this last time! Leave it to Fate and the World! Fucked again. AGAIN! Oh well. If things go well, everything will go bad. It’s all a matter of how hard and deep and long I can get fucked before I wake up, smell the coffee and check-the-fuck out. Anyway, to save me time, the e-mail from Fran:
QUOTE:
I had a bad dream about you the other night and I beg to know if you are all right!
I’m sorry that things went so very wrong between us. No one in my family hates you, just to clear that one.
I guess everything worked out to everyone’s benefit. Since you did not decide to come up you left me confused and you broke my heart. But hearts mend and allow us to go on even when we don’t want them to. It hurt to hear you infer that you trusted Silas more than you did me. But what did you expect when you had said repeatedly that you didn’t want to share a place with Burton and his revolving door of whores.
I was crushed when you told me you had been here all along and trusted Burton to keep the secret of your whereabouts but not me. It’s rather funny when you think about it, you sacrificed our friendship for nothing. Since last March I have had one phone call and one e-mail from Janice. FYI she doesn’t live in the house anymore, she and another woman got an apartment together. I haven’t heard a thing about Doug. I wonder if he’s enjoying being a new daddy and all…not my concern.
You sure know how to fuck-up a surprise, though. You see Devon and I were going to pick you up at the train station in the car I had bought for you. I think you would have liked it, a dark green Subaru Legacy wagon. Devon patched up the rust on the front passenger door and around the gas cap. He did a really great job. It passed inspection with no problem. Even that turned out ok because Devon was in a car accident in August and his car was totaled. So he bought the Subaru from me and it seems to be a good vehicle for him and the kids.
EmmieLyn started school in late August and Lucian had some separation issues but now seems to enjoy his alone time.
LeAnn got evicted from her apt. in late August and has been living at her parents.
Oh yeah! EmmieLyn is officially our walking talking jack-o-lantern. She lost her front two teeth on the bottom.
I don’t know how this got to be so long. It’s just that I miss you and need assurance that you are well and safe.
When you find yourself in that lonely dark place in your heart, just look for the little pinpoint of light. That will be my beam of love showing you the way out.
ALWAYS and EVER-I love you
END QUOTE
All said, it was good to talk with her and in no time, all was back to the way it was. She and I agreed: we’ve made it through a tough time, which just goes to show… Friendship… which is more than I can say for and about Nancy at this point. – So… Dixie got to go out twice during the day. Playing with the Frisbee and for a pee. – I’ve put up a new “GoFundMe” for the business. I doubt it’ll come in on time to save anything at all. But, if I don’t try… as if that makes any difference to anybody for anything at all. The added a Twitter account for the business. There’ll be “presence” if nothing else. Tumblr tomorrow, I suppose. – At abut 21.30 or so, I went down for a smoke and the 3 of them were in the living-room… eating. Cheese, crackers, Summer sausage. I stood for a few moments, in the door-way, looking at the kitten. That little thing is just growing amazingly! I owe my life now.. That was the deal: Her life for mine. And she seems to be doing exceptionally well. I just won’t get attached. I can’t. I have neither the right nor the necessaries to invest… especially “time”. Anyway, there they sat, eating and such, and nothing was offered. I wonder, most often, what they think I function on. I mean, all the work in the barn, round the house and such and yet, they see me eat only the little I have at dinner. This evening, Bob pointed out that the sub from 2 nights ago was still in the fridge. And yes, I took it, brought it up to the room and ate it. It was still good and it was food. – But right now I’m SO hungry and I need to get a bit of sleep. it’s cold in here and I’m HUNGRY!!!! I’m just SO SO DANNED HUNGRY!
Sat.26.Oct:: 7.11 awake with no purpose after a fitful night. It got so cold in this room that I kept waking on and off all through the night. But, here it is, another day. BFD. Rain. Cold. And this is just the beginning. – 12.16 The house is up. John is here. I’ve been out twice for a smoke since I woke. One pack left until the 1st. This should be interesting. – Spent the morning in bed, putting l’Atleier on all sorts of social media. We’re now on a site, FB, Twtr, Tumblr, About.me. LinkedIn and WordPress left to go. It’s a lot of work trying to get these pages together. But, hopefully, it’ll help the GoFundMe. I NEED that income! NOW! more than ever before. – I stood in the kitchen for a bit, trying to be sociable. It just doesn’t seem to work. There’s this “tension” in the air when I’m there. Then, Randy goes and takes a doughnut and… feeds part of it to the DOGS! FUCK! I grabbed 2 apples this morning. I’ve been so fucking hungry these past few days and today, I’m nauseated from the hunger. But nothing is ever offered and I still won’t “take” food unless it’s offered. I don’t suppose I contribute to it, so I have no right to it. Oh well. And Randy and I are being forced to attend this “party” in Burlington tonight, and neither of us wants to go. I need to find 13$ to pay the ticket and then I could back out. I don’t want to go. I’m not feeling well enough. Just not feeling well enough. – And this room is getting simply BITTER COLD! I’m in all sorts of layers and my fingers are cold and my nose is chilled. I have my hood up again. Not much different from the days in Richford. Unfortunately, I have no heavy jacket and if it gets any colder (and it will), I don’t know what I’m expected to do. – Well, no sense whining about it. Next warm day… sack the entire venture and GTFO! – 12.35 Time to vomit! Just got the “Auction” notice on the storage! Everything will soon be gone! Well? Time to go HOME at this point. Just look for the next good weather day… And plan the whole thing. Luckily, I’m packed. I’ll have to get to the barn to find space to toss things back there. I know that once that’s done, nobody will be going back there for anything and my things will blend in with Lyle’s Great-Grandmother’s things and ALL will rot into history… me too. – This day is insane, all told. Here it is, 12.46 and I’m awake from since 7, I didn’t get to sleep until past mid-night last night. There’s that fucking party tonight, I have nothing to wear, and it’s in So. Burlington! Bob says it lasts until 2.00 or so. I don’t know that I’ll have the stamina. Randy says they serve drinks. Well, I won’t be drinking and I won’t be eating. So tonight will be actual Hell in the cold. – 12.51 I’ve just taken the pass-word off this page. I don’t give a fuck any more. –
15.10 At wits’ end I suppose. I have to pee and won’t for what-ever reason. Randy says he’s not going to this gig tonight. The place is a “dance hall” thing where they actually have name acts. Dancing? Drinking. Gay. What the fuck makes anybody think that I’d enjoy that? Really? – For a while I had the door to the room open to let in some heat but with the dogs running in and out, and then the cat digging into the yarn and the un-finished afghan! I mean, this shit is getting deeper than my starving mood can handle. I’m trying to work on the “Marriage” thing for Lyle and Bob and I’ve got to keep tossing the fucking cat out! And I’m not really in a frame of mind for this. The general atmosphere isn’t conducive to art. It’s cold and dark and damp in here and I’m just pre-occupied with the fact that the “AUCTION NOTICE” came from storage today. If not for the rain right now, I’d be out the door and en route to the border… for the last time. I’m at the end. Just at the end. And it seems to be getting increasingly obvious that I’m the “3rd Wheel”, the “stranger” in the house, the “un-paying weight”. And so, it all continues. I should just shut the fuck down and not give a shit, but I never learnt how to do that. Just fuck me and have done with it. I’m tired. I’m cold. I’m hungry. I’m sick and tired. – 2.39 on Sunday morning… We’re just getting in from an evening at “Higher Ground” in, of all places on earth… So.BTV! And yes, we all went. It was their “Halloween Party”, fancy dress optional. Bob was the only one who actually “dressed” in a leather/chain harness, green net undies and little horns on his head. And I felt rather badly that he wasn’t even in the running for the prize tonight because today, some guy came all the way from Maine to buy Bob’s bike. (He should only know…) Bob’s taking it rather hard, because his Former bought it and then 10 days later, died. He (Bob) and I talked about it right after the guy from Maine drove off, in the cold rain. Imagine: I’m about to lose EVERYTHING to storage, nobody knows about that, and Bob’s upset about selling the bike. Life. There’s much I could say about it all, but suffice to say at this point: if I lose all that’s in storage this time, that will be my cue to go HOME. There’ll be nothing left at all. Nothing. – The party was OK. The music was annoying. “Techno” that sounded like nothing but “intros” and no actual music. The crowd was rather potentially depressing. There really is no “culture” here. To think, only across the border in Montréal there’s SO much in the way of all things, and right there, in the “City” of Burlington… it’s SO completely just not. But, it was OK. Lyle paid me a beer… Woodchuck Hard Cider. It was my extra calories I suppose, considering I blew about 5$ at the market today (leaving me with about 2$ on the card) for a box of PopTarts (I ate 6 before we left and am finishing the 2 now) and a box of sugar (some of which I added to my coffee… for calories and energy). Daily nourishment. And I tried to dance a bit but just couldn’t get into the music enough. – Randy is now in his bed, “freezing” he says. This room is always on the verge of bitter cold and I’m rather glad that somebody else no knows how this room feels. (In spite of the fact that it reminds me of Richford days, which is rather nice, in its own respect.) – I’m going to scan the Internet a bit and try for some sleep. It’s going to be difficult tonight. If only somebody would put something toward the GoFundMe… even just enough to pay the storage. But I’m not going to even think about that. There is NObody any more. –
Sun.27.Oct: 13.59 Slept until almost 11.00! But it’s to be another rather “wasted” day because I’ll be in the house. Too cool and damp out to go to l’Atelier today. But there’s art to be done and that can be done IN the room. The room that is, at the moment, quite chilly… even though the door is open. Oh well. Days of Richford. – And to note? I am SO BLOODY HUNGRY! Nothing here to eat. Not enough on the card to get anything to eat. And I’m actually feeling light-headed. Add: this morning I tried to “ration” the smokes for the week… 2 per day from now on and this morning I had 1 of my 2 for the day. No smokes and no food. Storage about to go to auction. Not good. Checked the GFM this morning. Added a few comments. Added a few to Twitter as well. Nothing in thus far. I just don’t get why I’m not “enough” for the likes of all those philanthropists who claim to want to help the “Entrepreneurial Spirit”. Give me a break and I can do wonders! But I’m perceived as being needy and lazy. Well, that’s my existence. And now? On with the art. (I’m still trying to make the shit-red into a nicer, deeper red paint. My goodness!) – 22.49 In bed, ready to close this rather un-productive day. Although, I did get 2 flowers added to the “Atelier” sign, did a bit of research on grants for artists (bull-shit, the lot of it), re-vamped the GFM plea, and posted a “note” (in image format) to Tumblr telling of the storage issue and asking for some kind of response (which I doubt, very much, I’ll get). – The bleak days are en route and every day now, I wake and spend the time feeling so miserably useless round the house. There’s no yard work to be done (save cutting the tree in the roses and edging just one small spot on the bleeding hearts bed). I just feel like a useless Malingerer. I think: Having me round the house is good in several ways. Bob worries about Lyle being alone in the house and even with Randy here, Bob thinks that it’s better to have me here because of my Nursing back-ground. Well, fine. But that doesn’t make me feel any more useful. I do bring in the bags of pellets for the stove which is something neither Lyle nor Randy should or could do. And, of course, if there are things that require such stamina, I’m here to do them. But that doesn’t pay the bills and how I know what that’s about. This morning I thought of how difficult it is during the Winter months, with heating and such. And here I am… useless. I try. I am trying. The matter of the GFM isn’t so much for me as it is for me to help financially round the house. I’m stupid, quite stupid really, even trying that venue. But there’s the school of thought: Better to try and fail than not try at all. (Somebody fuck me fast.) – Other than that… I was asked to dinner and ate rather well enough tonight. And nobody will ever know how much I appreciate that. – Randy’s been all sorts of depressed these past few days. He’s quite lonely. But it’s getting on the nerves of the others in the house. Me? I really don’t give a shit because I’m not in the mind-set of wanting anybody in my life… not in that manner. And Randy’s desperation is, to me, just an annoyance. Not directly. It’s his trouble, not mine. But since his attitude affects the others, it affects the general atmosphere of the whole house. And that, to me, is selfish. I mean, I could certainly walk round here with my head in my colon. But I don’t. So if I don’t, I see no reason why Randy should feel that he can. – Moving along… “Shadow” (as is now the official name of the little kitten) is growing AMAZINGLY! She takes off round the house, prancing more than walking. She’s SUCH a delight to watch! And every time I see her, I remember that little black, messy blob in the grass and how I was so certain that she’d only suffer and die. This just goes to show, beyond any doubt at all, the LOVE that Bob and Lyle have. That, THAT saved the little creature. And she;s actually SO CUTE! Little round face with the big, shiny eyes. And playful too. I also remember my deal: her life for mine. I continue to think: the storage is my ticket out. Once that’s auctioned off, I can simply walk out the door. Plan for tomorrow, as of right now: make space in the barn for the things I have in the house. Now that Bob’s bike has been sold, he won’t be going into the barn and come Spring, I sincerely doubt that anybody will go near it for any reason. If I’m not here to plant the garden and maintain that area, it’ll just go back to as it was, and will be avoided any way. So? I can put what little I have in there and nobody will be any the wiser. Then? Just get up and walk away. Done. – 23.05 and time to get some rest. There might not be anything pressing on tomorrow’s agenda but I certainly don’t want to be sleeping at noon.
Mon.28.Oct: 9.16 Been awake from since about 7.00 and just came in from first smoke of the day. Rain. AGAIN! But the tubs in the back, the ones I want to wash the burlap in, probably aren’t getting enough of the water to wash the burlap in. I have to get back there and see what can be done. I want to wash those sacks. Why? I’m still not certain. – I NEED TO FIND WORK! I NEED TO FIND MONEY! My insides are a mess because of this! But I don’t know how! The first thought on waking this morning? Robbery. Why? Why? Because there are those who do such things and appear to live along with-out repercussion. All my life I’ve the honest and just way, and to what end? This! It’s not worth it. And if I could find the way, I would certainly change. Certainly. – This morning I notice: It’s cold again, but this morning I don’t feel it as much as on other days. The difference? Food. I ate last night, my body has something to work with to generate its own heat. On those days when I’ve not eaten sufficiently, I feel the cold. But there is no food. I looked at the photo taken in Richford and compared it to a recent photo taken… I look like shit! Meagre. But in reality, it makes no difference. The only people who actually see are the folks in the house. – I put Randy back on the FB connection last night. What a shit! His depression is nauseating. And the public whining is enough to make a stomach churn. Meanwhile, I “put on a happy face” and nobody knows the truth. And “friends”? I’ve learnt that it accomplishes nothing to speak out, not for me anyway. I’m the stoic one… and not one soul gives a shit. Oh well. – Off to check and look into the prospects for employment. Fuck me! I need to save ME! (Odd, but here I sit with TWO BDMs and the way out. But I need… no rain, no snow, no cold. I will NOT leave and suffer any more. I WILL go in comfort… or reasonable comfort.) – 16.31 I am cold and hungry, tired and life-less. The skies cleared and the wind is blasting in from the North. The sun is warm. The wind is bitter cold. I sit in the room, the door open, I have the hood of my sweat-shirt on my head. I want to sleep. I just want to sleep. But I keep working on the illumination for Lyle and Bob. I keep working on something. I want to sleep. – 21.19 and I feel more like 23.19. Not tired, exactly. But that energy is from the fact that I am now officially living on sugar water. I had 56 franks for dinner, and Lyle shared his “Lemon Snaps” this evening as we watched TV. Randy went to bed just before 19.00. Bob followed just after 20.00. I wanted to warm the room a bit more which meant leaving the door open so I stayed down-stairs by the fire for a while. But now, I’m looking forward to getting some sleep… soon. – I’m putting my mind into accepting that all I will have is all that is here in just a couple of days. Isn’t it strange how, when the most gruesome time comes, there’s absolutely no-one to call on? All those people who “care” so much and claim to be “friend”… they’re all there when things are either really great or just a bit on the shaky side. But when the line is drawn and it turns to piano wire and the wire gets wrapped round the neck and pulled taught, they’re all gone. And people wonder why I’ve always had “Trust Issues”. Honestly? It’s because I’ve never met anybody bright enough to see just how fucked-up it all really is and so, I KNOW that this is what they’ll all do. Like Schmulik with the house-bumping; Nancy with the “final bon chance” [sic]; and all the rest of them. Gone. But only when the shit got so deep that my mind was about to snap into the “off” position. Gone. And then I look at the Social Media and see all these people giving money to people who are, at base, charlatans. That Marc for example: travelling round the country on grants and funding, doing nothing more than documenting stories of the Homeless and claiming to be the best friend to all of them… meanwhile, staying at nice hotels, even in NYC! Never stepping foot inside a Shelter, never spending a night on the streets. And me? I bust my spirit to get out of the Shelter, come to VT… ALONE, and when I ask… no… BEG for some help? ZIPPO ZILCH NADA FUCK-ALL! They all RUN as fast as they can… away. Trust? Eat my shit. Really. (Too busy being angry.) – Well, tomorrow is another day and hopefully a productive and fruitful one. I changed a bit of the GFM (GoFuckMe?) page, giving offers to contributors as some kind of incentive. I doubt, very, VERY much that that’ll make any difference. I’ve been up-beat on that site so not to look as if I’m on Death’s door-steps. But, perhaps I’ll just throw it in here: I AM at Death’s door and every moment of each and every day that I see how many people just don’t give a fuck at all, it makes the leaving all the more easy. I’ll thank them all now for the PUSH and wish them all… the same turmoil their apathy gave me. See you all on the other side. Or, as the line goes: “See you in Hell!” – OK. On that note, a quick run through the Socials and lights out. 4 smokes to last until Friday. Right-O. There really is “Hell” coming, and it’s on a crash course!
Tue.29.Oct: 7.18 Minus 4. Why bother waking up anyway? My stomach just cramped. Frost on the windows. And another day closer to having nothing. Another day of being reminded just how useless I am to others. How worthless I’ve been to the world. Oh well… –
Temperatures on Friday are supposed to get up to about 17! Too bad it’s supposed to rain, but 17, after minus 4? November? Check-out? WTF? Why not? No rain today. I can move shit from the house to the barn. No prob. Buh-bye. OK. Luv ya, buh-bye. – Oh, another day. – It’s 24.29 I have one cigarette left until Friday. I’m as hungry as I can be. I don’t even know why the hell I’m still awake. But my guts are being stabbed by such cramps that I could scream aloud. And yet, here I am, in bed, awake, typing the day’s events. And they were quite… QUITE! – Meanwhile, before getting into the day: it is HOT in this room tonight! It’s minus2 out there. Frost on the cars in the lot across the road. And yet, it’s HOT in this room! And if it’s hot in this room, the rest of the house must be like an oven! In fact, tonight, as I washed a shit-load of dishes, I actually broke a sweat! Hmm… this after this morning… which I get into here and now: It was “crisp” in the room this morning. I mean, not just cold, but “crisp” cold. When I went down-stairs for the 11am morning smoke (yes, I waiting until then to have my first drags) I noticed that the pellet stove wasn’t functioning but Lyle and Randy were fast asleep so I thought perhaps Lyle had turned it very much down for the night. Little did I know, it had turned itself off! Imagine that! Oddly though, the house wasn’t at all too cold. But there were quite some chuckles to be had later when Lyle and Randy both complained that it had gotten way too cold for their comfort. Well… for me, it was just another “Richford”… sitting in the house with 7 layers of clothing on including the hood of my sweat-shirt. Oh well kiddies. Imagine… I’m the one in the house who can take the cold in here! The skinny one! The one who’s actually so under-nourished I’m probably on the verge of death. But the cold? No problemme! It’s something I’ve adjusted to, I suppose. Pretty good, I must say, for me. – Next comes the accomplishments of this day and they are rather several. l’AtelierQcVt isnow all over the Internet! The site, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, About.me, and today… LinkedIn and WordPress! When I’d finished the WordPress blog/site, I hit Google for a search and of all the things to come up FIRST: a Twitter post I made to Ellen deGeneres! A second item: a Twitter post I made to Oprah Winfrey! Now, I wonder if either of them will take notice and if so what, if anything, they’ll do to help! And right now I need all the HELP I can possibly get! But before I get along with that thought, let me just say that I almost plotzed when I saw the association between l’AtelierQcVt and those two! Especially after working just about 8 hours through all day to get the web presence up and running. It was a LOT of work! But I’ll hope it makes a difference.. BEFORE it’s too late! – Now… moving along… dinner was delicious and filling tonight… meatloaf and potatoes and I had 2 helpings (but could have taken more, apparently, because I’m just about starved). After, Bob made cakes for the job tomorrow and devilled eggs. Thing that bothered me the most was when he used black olives for the eggs and when he put the left-overs into the plastic container, there was a lot of the brine, which I happen to like. BUT Randy made sure that he put that brine into a bowl with some kind of food-stuff in it so that I couldn’t get at it… and just as I’d gotten a glass to put the overage in! It just makes me sick when I see how much food is wasted round here, how much Randy takes and then gives to the dogs (who shouldn’t be eating table food to begin with). Oh well… – But, this afternoon I mentioned to the Old Lady the issue about my storage and he wasted no time in running to Lyle to repeat. In fact, it was in the time it took for me to smoke half a cigarette! Lyle asked me tonight, as I washed the dishes, how much it would take to “save” the storage for at least another month. He doesn’t claim that he can afford it, but he’s willing to HELP! me. I’m just so astonished! (But it’s now 24.49 and I’m finally pooping out so I’m going to nap now… Come the morning, there’s more shit to deal with and I’ll finish this and post then.) – Finishing… Lyle got a bit on the teary side as he spoke about losing my art work and such in storage. he said he couldn’t imagine letting that happen to me. (Me, of course, I’m thinking… that’s for now… but when sanity kicks in…) – Anyway, I got all the dishes done. It wasn’t that there were a lot of them, but they were big, for the most part. I took my time. The iPod fucked-off before I’d done. And tonight, as I washed and listened to Francis Cabrel? I almost broke-down and cried. I can’t stand missing the old house in Richford. I do miss Silas at times and wonder if he hates me and if so, why so. It would be nice to be in touch with him… even at a distance. It would be a delight to be back in Richford. I don’t know exactly why I miss that town so much, but I do. It was lonely at times. It was COLD most of the time. But some-how, that town became something of a “home”-town to me and I do miss it very much. –
Dishes done and a quick halfie out-side I sat a while with Lyle and then came up to the room. I was tired and ready for sleep when I came up but for some reason, as the night went along, I couldn’t sleep. Of course, it’s nerves, disappointment in my self and others, wondering when, how, if, and all the rest. It’s making me quite ill… mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and soon… physically. I just wait for the morning when I walk out this door… for the last time.
Wed.30.Oct: 7.30 Didn’t get to sleep until almost 2.30this morning,but there are things that need to be done today and sleeping the day away isn’t on the agenda. – For some reason, I’m nauseated this morning. And I vaguely recall dreaming about vomiting and eating barn hay or something of the sort. – Oh, and the house is still quite warm. There was a hard frost last night. But it seems to be going… the sun’s not risen yet, but gthe frost on the cars seems less. Oh well… – Storage – 23.17
Now I lay me down to sleep
tomorrow is garbage day.
I haven’t showered
I feel like shit
too many things are on my mind.
But I got the trimming done on the bleeding heart bed, and the trees in the rose bushes on the south side of the house are cut down. I actually did get out and tried to wash out some burlap bags but the little water in the tubs froze and I couldn’t think of a way to get the rinse water to the back yard by the fire pit so I trashed the idea completely and figure I’ll probably just don the bags over my clothes, hope that nothing comes to life in them as I’m wearing them and let it go at that. – It was a strange sort of day. – Storage sent a threatening e-mail about the 100$ lien. I checked their calendar and the next auction is on the 11th November. I didn’t say anything to Lyle about it. But I did mention something to Randy. I can’t recall exactly what. But I mentioned it. He too, is here with nothing for the cold weather. But then again, he doesn’t go out at all. He did complain that it’s taken for granted that he’s responsible for letting the dogs out to pee and shit during the day. I find it rude of him. He has that yipping mutt of his, the one that pees and shits in the house. So, since he HAS a friggin dog, there should be no problem bringing the other two out as well. Honestly? I just don’t understand. But then again, when it comes to Dixie, it seems she’s become my responsibility. She’s attached to me (because I take her out for Frisbee games). And I don’t mind bringing her out… she’s very strange in that she’s attached to me. But for Randy to bitch about bringing them out? Seriously? He sits and watches TV all day! OK. So he runs to the store for “pop” and junk and beer and shit. Money he gets for doing nothing. And he’s the fall-back-play-toy, which is how he met Bob and Lyle in the first place. But, well… I actually WORK to help maintain the house. Even last night’s “Show and Tell” about how to clean and maintain the pellet stove (which will probably be my task from now on… oh well). – But today I did manage to get the WordPress blog up-dated with all sorts of images and write-ups for l’Atelier. It’s impressive! Even better than the “site”. And the “social media” is linked to each-other so that a post to one is a post to almost all. Very nice indeed. Still, nobody bothers to put anything on the fund-raiser. THIS bothers me more than much of anything else in the world. Why? I’m not worth it? Oh yes, let’s contribute to some idiot who wants to take a trip because of being burnt-out. Or some idiot who wants to put a deck on the new house. Let’s pay the way for some bitch to get to university so she doesn’t have to get into student loans. Me? I was interesting when I was Homeless. But now? Just another shit on Earth. I often wonder why I even bother. And there’s never been a more truer truth than that. I don’t know why I even bother. Every time I take the moment to see where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m heading, HOME is the only thing that it all comes down to. And I wonder why I’m not there already. – Oh, storage. 139$. Not bad. Of course, in two days it will be up to 247$ and more if they put that fucking bloody lien on… 347$. I want to puke every time I think about it all. Fuckers all. Really. – Tonight, 2 meat-loaf sandwiches and some cole slaw for dinner with Lyle. Bob wasn’t hungry because of his party at work. Randy claims last night’s dinner made him ill. It was odd at table tonight. – I’ve smoked the butts from the jar all day today and there’s only 1cigarette left that will have to last through tomorrow. This is no time to quit cigarettes. I mean, really? I’ve all but quit FOOD! Friday is supposed to be rainy and that’s the day I should get to Richford… on the bike… in the cold… with-out gloves. At present, I’m thinking I’ll be walking the entire length from here to there and back. It’s about 12 hours all told, at the pace I walk these days. And I don’t know what I’ll wear. But, I’ve survived through worse, I suppose. I’m thinking, if Brenda’s there, I can get a carton of smokes this trip. Save me some travel. There’s snow on the mountains and according to Randy, there’s been snow in Richmond. So, there’s no telling how this is going to go along here. – The Rehab in St. Albans is offering paid courses in LNA and I want to get into that. But I haven’t called to register. Tomorrow I MUST… at any and all cost! I see me walking great distances in the cold in the coming months. I see me walking HOME to stay as well. – I’m not looking forward to tomorrow night. There will be candy in the house and I’m certain that I’ll be sitting out-side in the rain and cold whilst the others are in-side eating the candy. I see this coming. More on the developments as they happen. – It’s going for midnight and I’m more hungry than I am tired. I actually made it down and out to the back to have a smoke a little bit ago and nothing… no barking! Lyle is in bed already. The house is dark, save the light from the pellet stove which is really quite bright down there. (And this room is getting cold. This evening Lyle said: That room can be very warm… if the door is open. – I’m rather filthy tonight. I went to the brook today, looking for some kinds of grasses to add to the decorations out front and I mucked about along the bank. Then too, I shook the hell out of a few burlap bags. Dust all over me. And my head itches a bit. I haven’t showered now in about 3 days. And here I am, sleeping in this crud. Tomorrow I’ll have to wash the bed linens and some clothing. Not much on the clothing though. I’ll be wearing burlap bags. – Before closing I have to add that I haven’t heard from Fran since we spoke. No e-mail. I think she may be a bit peeved because I asked her to send along the link for the fund-raiser. Oh well… these are the people who call themselves my “friends”. Liars, the lot of them. – Time to get this together, get it posted, get me to “sleep” in spite of the fact that I’m not tired. But I didn’t get to sleep until 2.30 this morning and I won’t do that again. I had to “nap” for about 20 minutes today. But tomorrow I MUST make certain to get the garbage out.
Thu.31.Oct: 8.54 Up with the 6am alarm. Out of bed at 6.30. Out of the house by 7.00 to check on the garbage which is out at the curb, and to try to smoke 2 jar-butts that didn’t have enough on them to make it worth the lighter fuel. OK then. Back into the house to the room to get a wash together. Down-stairs, wash in, machine on… the centre spindle doesn’t rotate so the clothes do agitate so, essentially, I had to wash the clothes by hand in the machine and let the machine just spin them. Me? I’m not saying… I’m not the one who does load after load after load after load because of fleas after fleas after fleas after… I’m not sayin’. But I’m not dancin’ neither. Fuck-it-all! – Got and idea for participation in this evening’s Halloween do: the black plastic in the barn, over my clothes, under the burlap bags (that CERTAINLY won’t be washed). Do what I gotta do. Eh? – Stole some of the cake from in the fridge. Sugar. But it kills an appetite. Needed a glass of milk too. Fucking Fat Chance, that. – 9.00 and time to check the dryer. Have a drag of the one smoke left. My guts are beginning to churn. Oh happy day! – 9.32 Just checked about the washing machine. Parts called “dogs”. Such a simple repair that even Randy could do it. Not that I’d expect him to, but… parts available at Amazon (and I have a 5$ gift card) for 1,30$. OK then. Good news for the day. Now if only I could find some cash for a pack of smokes. – 12.32 Raining. I went out to the barn to figure what, if anything, I’d do for tonight. Plastic, covered with the burlap. That’s all I can think of. But if it rains… I’m not going to sit out there in the damp. I have a trip to make tomorrow morning. – I keep dozing off. So tired! SO tired! – Interesting: I couldn’t quite figure the photo on SB’s FB account. Looked familiar, but not. Just now, flipping through files backed-up from a Flash drive there it was! Middlebury. Otter Creek Falls! I have the very same picture! So, mystery solved. – I’m so tired… and hungry… and falling asleep. – Oh… and TD? Closed the savings account where the book proceeds are posted. They never told me. I checked this morning to see if the proceeds got posted… I wonder where the fuck they are now. Fucking idiots! – WAIT! NEFCU! – 12.55 AND SO! The book proceeds go to NEFCU now! Thank you TD for absolutely nothing! Now to take care of storage… but I still wish I could find cash in something I have round here! – 14.21 The one cigarette is almost gone. I’ve been keeping it in the jar to make it last longer. But it’s becoming one of those days where not having a smoke is actually making me quite sick. I’m tempted to ask Randy for a “loan” to get a pack and hope Brenda will do a “cash” when I get there… tomorrow… in the same steady drizzle that’s falling right now. Oh well… I couldn’t get the car tomorrow before 17.00 anyway so, may as well “walk the walk”. I’ll take the bike, just in case I can make the down-hills a bit faster. But for the most part, I see walking… a LOT of walking. In other news, I told Lyle about the “dogs” in the washer. Told him that I could get them on Amazon.com and use my 5$ gift card thing that I received for some survey. Well! He heard “30$” instead of 1,30$ and was all bent out of shape, sent Bob a text and all that sort of shit. Honestly? Honestly. People and their not listening and asking when they don’t hear. I’m fucking fed up with that shit! Too much of it! Just too, TOO much of it already (and not having cigarettes isn’t making it any better). I asked if he’d like me to order the parts. No. Bob can take care of that. “He’s a wiz at these things.” and we’ll probably have to order the parts on-line. I told him I have the 5$ credit but that was ignored. Well, OK then. What I did? I ordered the bloody “dogs”. 4 at 1,70$ to be delivered by Wednesday or so. Told Lyle. He immediately got to the phone to “text” Bob about it. Fine. OK. So I see: Bob will buy the dogs, come into the house and replace the old ones in the washer and that will be than and I”ll have ordered a part that should last some 16 years or more. Fuck me. – I just SO want to lay down and go back to sleep! But the bed needs to be done and I’m not going to do that because if I do, I’ll lay right down on it and try to sleep through until it’s time to bike away tomorrow morning. What makes it worse is having NOTHING to eat either! – 14.31 Bob’s here… Oh wait! Kitten (Shadow) goes to the doctor today! (I raid the ice box or something… maybe ask Randy for a loan?) – 15.28 Lyle took Randy and the kitten. Bob’s here… but asleep I’d think. No “smoke loan”, no kitchen raid. Oh well. Of course not. Meanwhile, the wind is kicking like mad! The temperature is supposed to RISE tonight from the 10 now to 16! BUT… RAIN! Fuck me very much. Life… Wind tomorrow? Gusts up to 90km! Should be a “fun” day. – I keep dozing off. I think what I might do is just give in, make the bed, take a shower, get under the covers and quit this shit. – 16.33 The4 daylight is fading into grey darkness. The winds are kicking. The rains are falling. The fucking dogs are getting on my last nerves. Randy and Lyle came back, Randy went next door for subs for dinner. Nobody asked me what or if I wanted. – Plan of action? I’ve been sitting here all day with the hood of my black sweat-shirt up. It might be getting warmer out there but it’s still chilly in here. So I’ve just about had as much as I can take at this point. I doubt there’s going to be many (if any) Halloween visitors tonight in this horrible weather. And if there are, I’m sure the other 3 can handle it. (Bad thing? I expect the fucking dogs to bark all into the night… and my nerves are shot!) Thinking of a shower. crawling into the bed, maybe putting some music in my ears, maybe not. But in any event, I’m not looking forward to being awake any longer than is absolutely necessary now. Tomorrow is the 1st Nov. Storage will put an additional 100$ on the price tag and in 10 days… ALL WILL BE GONE! I’m SO glad I’ve had SO many “friends”. – 17.50 I ate. I’m sorry that I ate. My guts are tearing themselves apart. The kids are coming to the door. The dogs are barking and whining. And I feel like I’m exploding. Finished the last draws of THE cigarette. Nothing more… not even butts. The bed’s made. I want to shower, get into bed, go to sleep until 7.00 tomorrow and get the trip to Richford behind me. I’m tired. Really tired.- 23.25 In bed… AT LAST! CLEAN LINENS! CLEAN JAMMIES! CLEAN ME! CLEAN CLEAN! – Subs for dinner (Notes here now because I’m too tired…) – (Fri.Night) I had no intention of going to eat tonight. I’m not contributing to the food and I don’t feel that I should eat. But, when I got called for subs, I planned on going, eating half just to be there, and leave. I was too hungry, and I thought I’d need the food for tomorrow’s trip anyway. So I ate the whole sandwich. – Some-how, as the kids started to show for Trick Or Treating, I actually got a bit into the swing of it. Bob was most responsible for that. Seeing him all into it, well, I did say that I’d participate and so… in the dark, in the drizzle, I headed back into the barn… used a bit of the black make-up he loaned me (to deepen my eye-sockets… and when I saw just how drawn my face truly IS, highlighted by the black make-up! It was disgusting!). Threw some black plastic over me to cover against the rain, put a burlap bag “cowl” on and stood out front for a while. Some of the kids were amazed. It was rather a bit of fun. – OH! But tonight, just for the shits of it, I checked my FS card: They put 50$ on it! Cash! I immediately went next door and got a pack of SMOKES for me and a pack of cigars for Bob. HEY! I know what it’s like to want a smoke and besides, when did I ever NOT share in some good fortune? I just couldn’t go over there and just get something for me alone! So, Bob and I enjoyed a smoke as the kids came and went. I was “into” the holiday mood for a while. It was rather warm tonight, in spite of the drizzle… and WINDY! The winds are supposed to increase over-night tonight and then be very strong tomorrow. THEN… a 20 degree (F) DROP in temperatures and into a BONE-CHILLER! And me with nothing to wear for the cold weather and on the verge of losing everything in storage anyway. Well, I want to puke. – So, the night went along and the kids stopped coming and Bob and I came in. But 20.00 Bob went to sleep and I sat and watched some TV with Lyle. He brought a bit of Bob’s “Kitty Litter” cake and it was enjoyable. – I SHOWERED AT LAST! And scrubbed! How wonderful! – After the shower, I went back down to thank Lyle for the opportunity to share in the holiday. He’s been quite in the dumps of late (how I understand that!). We got into a bit of a chat. Seems his maternal rand-Mum and Oma are very similar, and so too, his child-hood and mine where Grand-Mums are concerned. So too, his relationship with his Mum. It’s interesting when I think about it all. I got the chance to tell of my child-hood “holidays”. The old man may be dead and gone, but the world, a little at a time, learns the truth. I suppose I should take some consolation in that much. And we talked about the new health-care situation and how much trouble it’s causing him. He depends on medications and such and all these changes are giving him Hell. This world is just fucked-up beyond belief. – Well, thanks to the cash on the card, tomorrow’s trip to Richford is no longer a major issue. For that, I’m thankful. I might make it anyway… just because. The forecast is for light rains. We shall see. – Meanwhile, I’ll be losing storage. So? It’s really now the time to check out of this shit. The barn is clean and clear and orderly. The property is neat and tidy, all set for the Spring. I’ve done quite a lot of good around here and it’s time to move along… only this time… it’s time to REALLY MOVE ALONG AND OUT OF THE WAY. I’m tired… very, very, very tired. Disappointed beyond words and, well… there’s no sense in looking forward. Time to sleep, to rest, perchance NOT to dream… not any more, not any longer. Its time to go HOME.