Mon.1.Jul: 5.57 And so the Journey begins. Woke at 5 to the morning alarm. Made coffee in the room with the bottled water (nothing changes, but how I miss the days of going to the kitchen for coffee… Richford) and gulped it down. Rinsed the glass in the loo. (Nothing changes.) Have checked the routes and weather for today. There’s no way that I’ll make the trip out to Jericho to see that car and then be able to get back into BTV for the Link back up North today! The tough times they have arrived. SO… The trip from St.A. to Franklin is about 18mi and should take at least 5 hours. I have the choice of the Milton Commuter, arriving at 13.00. But that adds another 10mi to the return walk. The Link will arrive at St.A. at 18.00, bringing me to the house at about 23.00. Hmmm… Decisions. There are flood warnings from 14.00 today until 20.00 tomorrow night. I’m imagining getting caught by one of those deluges that I drove through on Saturday when I went to Williston to get this lap-top! THAT was quite the drenching and this time I’ll be out in it. Some-how I’m not looking forward to this trip today. But, it will be what it will be. I have no choice in this matter today. – No one can say that I’m not putting any efforts into this. Not that it matters any more. – Just waiting for Bob to finish his morning ablutions and then I’ll hit the shower. I skipped that yesterday. And I really need to get a wash in here some-where. – Tomorrow I’ll be heading into Richford… another journey of about 30mi round-trip… on foot. Post Office. Or… perhaps I’ll apply for the financing of the car on-line and keep my fingers crossed. Hey! I have the computer now… may as well put it to use! – I want to go back to sleep. I think it’s avoidance. But, as miserable as it may all seem, it’s not “getting to me” today. So? Off we go! – …
Mon.1.Jul: Recapping on Tue. because, well, it was QUITE the day! – After a night of not so much actual sleep, I was up at 5 to get my head and thoughts together. The thought of all the walking that might have to be done caused a bit of anxiety and yet, being back up here made it a bit exciting as well. A delightful shower (the water pressure in this house is wonderful and something I missed terribly) and by about 7.30 I was out the door, in the car and on the road. No radio or music or such for the whole drive to BTV. I just wasn’t in the mood to disturb the calm silence of the day. Besides… I was thinking: no car again. – The drive to BTV went right along. It was a pleasure driving down the 89 again. So much of this is all so familiar and comforting. This is my “Life”, and my history now. This is my “Home”. Not “HOME”… that’s a mere few km away though. But I’m CLOSE and can actually walk there so… – Stopped for gas in Winoosk: 3,49 per this morning! I was thrilled (even though it cost me almost 30$ to fill the tank this morning… still… it’s a far cry from the 4$ I’d been seeing, so I don’t complain at all) and back on the roads to find a car wash. I would have liked to have returned the car immaculate but… the only car wash I found wanted 10$ and I wasn’t about to spend THAT much this morning. So, I simply gave-up on that thought and brought the car back (sadly). – The “OK BUDDY” incident doesn’t show very much at all but it still gave me cause for concern and anxieties. But the return was quick and simple. Drop the keys, get the receipt and I was… car-less again and standing at the BTV airport waiting for the Circulator. Memories of my very first arrival here… some 2 years ago come 24 Oct. – This morning was very over-cast, as have been almost all the days since my return. This has been some kind of Summer: I’m completely pale, so that tells the entire story. Almost no sun-shine at all! Ever! But this morning I didn’t mind. It’s been hot or at least “hot-ish” and I was looking at a walk of many km so I didn’t want bright, hot sun today. And there was just the slightest damp chill in the air. Not bad weather for a long stroll. – Getting the bus was once again novel. I had to ask some questions and such. And I felt rather badly when I realised that the drivers are quite nice, in contrast to the drivers in NYC and I was rather matter-of-fact with this driver. But all was fine and friendly… I am, indeed, “back Home”. – The connection at UMall was almost instant and in precious little time I was on the bus into BTV. – Ah… “Down-town”… It wasn’t 10.00 yet so nothing was open. Not too calm, some people already strolling about… many folks from HOME this morning and French to be heard all about. Yes… “Home”. It was a delight. I spent some time sitting on one of the few benches, I had my packaged pound cake (because I knew I’d need something as a source of some kind of nourishment today) in the very light rain until I realised that instead of waiting until 16.30 for the Link, I could grab the Milton Commuter at 12.14 and get that much closer to Home that much earlier! SO… I asked at the CCTA kiosk and the nice lady told me to check the Richford Commuter with GMTA. I did. – Tim, dispatcher, was a GEM! Personal, chatted, even asked me to keep him informed of my where-abouts during the day if I wanted! Imagine that! PEOPLE! How I missed that in the past 2-plus months. – With the hour I had, I strolled over to Battery Park to take some pictures of Champlain and the Adirondacks. THOSE really ARE “MY mountains”. Yes, I am a “Yorker” at heart… but solely when it concerns those mountains. THEY will always be a HUGE part of my heart and soul. – It was also a busy day of text messages to Nancy, most of which were picture messages. I went crazy with the new phone (since, in BTV I had service!). But there was so much to “say” and so much to send. And I was actually enjoying the fact that there was nobody with me and nobody I felt I had to “see”. My “Chittenden” connections (save Robin) really are severed. And I’m not any the worse for it. Not in the least. – Since it seemed to threaten rain, I thought I needed a poncho, since I’d most likely be on the open roads when/if it started to really fall, and it’s been POURING when it finally comes. A stop at the “Outdoor Gear” where the prices are extraordinarily IMPOSSIBLE! Almost 3$ for the same China-shit poncho that’s available in the Dollar stores for 1,49$! BUT, to make the trip worth the while, I got some apliqué patches as well. Not too terribly devastating, but money I don’t have to burn either. At least now I have the poncho… just in case. I’m OK with that. – And so it was off to wait for the first leg of the journey back to The North Country. – The bus ride to Milton was just fine and, in style, we have WiFi on the busses! Imagine that! Not so in NYC. So, there we have it. I didn’t use it though, and I didn’t have my music (iPod) either. Still enjoying the sounds of “Home”. – Then came the truly devastating error: I was to take the bus to the last stop, at the North end of Milton, then walk through Georgia to St.A’s BUT, I was so engaged with text-messages that, until we’d looped all the way round and back to the SOUTHERN border of Milton/Colchester did I notice! SHIT! All that time wasted! I jumped to the driver and asked to be let off BEFORE we got back on the 89! Still… the WALK BACK UP to the North border of Milton was a FATAL error! AND, I wasn’t on the road an hour yet when my feet began bothering me. It was already 13.16 and I HAD to be IN St.A. BEFORE 16.15! A text message to Nancy about the distance and it was supposed to be 12mi. I SHOULD have been able to make the trip in just over 2 hours but… I had to slow my pace because my feet and legs were beginning to cramp! – I hitched… nobody stopped. Amazing, in a way: I’m “older” and grey… not some punk kid. Still, nobody even slowed. Very un-like the folks at HOME. But I kept walking along until I reached the centre of Milton where I found a RiteAid and thought: poster board and a sign on my back. I could continue walking and the sign would do my “hitching” for me. Fluorescent Orange was all they had but I figured that would be WONDERFUL! And so, I got the board and made the sign out in the parking lot, took a photo of it and was on my way… – The walk by the dam was really refreshing: the breeze caught the mist as the water pounded over the dam. And Lake Arrowhead is really quite lovely and was a welcome relief from “the road”. But… I was pissed at my-self because of ALL THE BACK-TRACKING! It took me OVER an HOUR JUST to make-up the lost distance! It was already about 14.18 by the time I’d just recapped my error! The walk was NOT going well and NOBODY was stopping to even offer a partial lift! – It was 15.47 by the time I had JUST cleared Milton (which I didn’t realise is Chittenden!) and when I looked at the time I realised I had to trash any and ALL lingering hopes of catching the Richford bus and that meant walking the entire distance back to the house… OVER 30mi! – BUT… JUST AS I’D left a message for Nancy to say that she shouldn’t expect to hear from me until WELL after 23.00 or close to mid-night… a pick-up truck pulled to the shoulder! I was about in complete disbelief of this timing! The guy was pleasant, asked where I was headed and we talked all the way into St.A. (I was about 8mi from just the town line where he picked me up… Even if I’d been able to maintain my “regular” walking pace for the distance, I’d’ve gotten to St.A. by about 17.00… 30 minutes LATE for the bus!) He dropped me AT the bus stop and I was almost delirious with relief! – The crowd at Food City was “St.A.”: meth-heads, almost frightening. Honestly… this sort of thing just has no business being in this state… or this region for that matter. But it’s so common. It’s the fact that the once-thriving businesses are destroyed (out-sourcing and apathetic, clueless, bastard governments), simple entertainments like bowling and roller-skating and movie-houses are gone, there’s nothing for the kids to do and depression sets in and takes control. They “escape” into some phantasy world in their drugs… and those who don’t use, sell and there’s the income. Fucking disaster! And there is the proof. But… they’re relatively harmless… they don’t have the where-with-all to be anything but… poor brain-toasted brats. So there, I waited for my little chariot “Home”. – On the bus: I had to fumble through my back-pack for the dollar fare and as I did so, a truly attractive (hot) young guy in the row in front of me reached into his pocket and held up a dollar for me. When I thanked him, sincerely, he quietly replied “Not at all…” SHIT! A young guy, stranger, offers a dollar…? And those shit-for-brains in NYC expected me to stay THERE? NOT! THIS is the way I was raised to believe the world should be… the way it tends, most of the time, to be HERE. Yes, it’s difficult. But here there’s a companionship that doesn’t seem to exist in many other places and certainly has been lost in NYC! THIS is “Home”… as Nancy sent via text: Home is where the heart is… My heart is HERE. –

The ride (to the middle of no-where) went right along nicely and I jumped off the bus at the intersection and headed up the road… to “Home” feeling a little rejuvenated. HEY! I wasn’t looking at a 30mi WALK… only 5 at this point. It was 16.50 and still no rain. I’d made it this far and all was well! Even my feet were OK… though my legs were stiffening. Still… –

As I passed by the cows in the local pastures, they all came to the fence to “meet and greet”. They really are very amusing, curious and docile creatures. I had to laugh. And… it made me feel SO COMPLETELY WONDERFUL AND AT PEACE… on this New England, rural road in the middle of a region that few even know exists… and here I am… calling it “Home”. How wonderful! And still, I hadn’t bothered to be plugged into music or any other distraction all day! I wanted to simply bask in the experiences and enjoy each moment. It’s been a long while since I last wanted that. – Well… the walk was going right along when suddenly, as I reached the crest where Carmi became visible I heard the LOUD honking of a car horn behind me… BOB was just coming home! ANOTHER LIFT and MORE time cut out of my travel! And… he simply pulled to the side of the road to offer me the lift as if it was to be expected that I’d be there. So drama, no crap. How pleasant. And along the road to “Frankly” we went. – When we got in, Lyle had dinner on the table and apologised for not preparing enough for me (since they weren’t expecting me until MUCH MUCH later tonight). BUT… he got out a plate for me and I had a little bit to eat with them. Imagine? The true “hospitality”. Again… THIS is how I was brought up to believe the World is SUPPOSED to be! And it’s sheer delight to know that there are SOME people left, even today, who are of the same mind… I still find it difficult to believe that I’ve found these people… what Blessings… Nancy, Bob, Lyle… even Eddy in NYC. Maybe what Nancy said has some substance: Good Karma has finally found its way to me. Well… – By 18.32 I was in my flip-flops, the journey was done. I’d had a bit to eat. Bob and I went across the street to the car dealer and looked at the used cars there. Since Val was moved out, I got to look at the room that I’ll be moving into this week and I helped Bob move some stuff out of it. We watched a bit of TV together in the living-room and MY PHONE IS ON THE MINI-CELL…. I HAVE PHONE SERVICE IN THE HOUSE!!!!! – WHAT A DAY! – At about 22.30 I came to the room, pfutzed on the computer a bit, had a little vodka (little bit) and by about 23.00 THIS DAY WAS DONE! AND WHAT A DAY IT WAS! And I am STILL SO HAPPY to be “Home”!!!!!

Tue.2.Jul: Up at 7 and a lazy sort of day. Another day of clouds and rain. But the house is silent. Silence… how wonderful it is to hear that again. – 11.41 and I got yesterday’s notes done. Lyle is just waking. There’s more to catch-up on and more to be done today… and all will get accomplished… in time. THIS is VT… and I’m certainly on its time. – Tue.2.Jul: Recapping on Wed. morning here. – Today was almost a wasted day, spending much time getting things together on the lap-top in the morning. Val and Carly came by at about noon to remove the few remaining things from the front room. I helped, albeit a little, not because I wanted them gone (which seems to be the general sentiment round the house) but because… well… it’s the thing to do when one is able. – Lyle asked me to sit a while and watch TV with him and, for about 2 hours, we sat, chatted. – At 14.00 I came to clean the room… and CLEANING was what it NEEDED! There was fur ALL OVER the room! As I understand it, “the ladies” never… NEVER Hoovered and as I saw, they NEVER dusted! When I cleaned behind the bed, there was a STACK OF TISSUES, crumbled and used, on the floor, under the bed at the head! I had to use gloves to pick it all up! Fur on the floor, tissues under the bed! Geez! Well… it took me THREE HOURS to get the room clean with sweeping the fur up, and, with Clorox Clean-Up, cleaning the chest of drawers (I still have to get the inside of the drawers), the bed and the 2 small tables. But the place is clean now. The little fan that I had in Rockaway is in one window, the shades are open and the room is quite comfy… and considerably larger than the room I was in for the past couple of days. Honestly… I don’t know how some people can “live”, or “be” the way those two women have been in this place. They don’t strike me as that type, but then… as I said at dinner this evening: I come from NYC where I’ve seen worse and have still wondered about people and their surroundings. (Actually… it was very much like Franc and the cat fur and vomit: just leave it for some-one else to clean. Ah… the World.) – Lyle tells me that he’s quite relieved and happy to have me here. I’m some-one with whom he can talk, “intelligent conversation” as he puts it. Indeed, he and I are rather alike in our opinions, temperament and such. And he’s a mere 5 years my elder where Bob is (I believe Lyle said that Bob is 42) 16 years my junior and, with the age and culture differences (Bob is from W.V., Lyle is from VT) well… Although, Lyle and I actually are quite similar in many aspects and yes, talking with him is interesting (in spite of the fact that he’s Aquarian… a trait I don’t get along with as a rule and indeed, I can sense thanks to child-hood). – Anyway, I finished cleaning the room just as Bob came in from work and again tonight, dinner was prepared for me to join. And again, tonight’s menu was pork. It’s playing havoc with my insides, but I recall Rabbi Lewis: If your host offers non-Kosher which is worse; to eat it or to decline? Which is more important: to follow kashruth or to take nourishment? And, fact is, I’m not in a position to decline any food at this point. There’s only the market next door and that’s quite limited and small. It’s a 20mi stroll to the nearest “market” and I’m in no shape right now. – Well… well… and well… 22.46 and I’m showered at last, the room is rather “settled” (a little more arranging is needed but it’s looking good) and the radio is playing Francis Cabrel “Je t’aimais, je t’aime, je t’aimerai”! I have the little radio from Richford beside the bed. A few notes into the song and something in my head suddenly registred: I’M BACK UP NORTH!!! BACK TO FRENCH!!! LIFE IN A NORTHERN TOWN!!! You’d think it would have been blatantly obvious all along but, music and language drive it into “Reality”. I’m where I SHOULD be! And so, my “me” settles down and settles in. – A bit of a note here: I’d sent a little e-mail to EW asking him to remind Anne Marie to post my final pay-cheque. My message was nice enough. Today I received a blunt “forwarded to Ann Marie” reply. OK. So I’m on his “Shit List”. Selfish little prick. Yes, I understand that he probably is annoyed that I managed to simply slip away and, if there has been any emotional attachment at all, my departure might bother him. I believe he truly thought I’d go back to NYC to stay, and be there with/for him all along. But, he’s not the person I knew 27 years ago. He’s really quite rude and nasty and makes no effort to be more congenial and I’ve had more than enough of that shit from so and too many. Not to mention: I’m seriously not well these days and as I’ve said: I will NOT die in NYC! So? So! Let him stew and simmer in his anger. My closing thought of this day is as I thought at one point early this morning as I sat out back having my morning smoke:
After all the years, it’s no longer a matter of “I don’t care”, rather it truly, honestly has come to the point where I simply “CAN’T” care any longer… I just don’t have the capacity nor the ability to care.

Wed.3.Jul: 7.12 “Sans Cri Ni Haine”… I went to sleep last night (at almost mid-night) with the radio on (low), woke at 6.30, on my own and as I get my morning “together” here, I hear Marie Mai singing! Yes indeed… we ARE back in the North Country! And SOOOOooo Happy about it! (In spite of the difficulties… which we will work on and “fix”.) – This morning, much, MUCH crap coming from the nose. Allergies? Really, I wonder how I manage to get into homes with “pets” multiple. Eddy’s 2 cats (shedders) and here: 2 dogs, 2 ferrets and a cat. And the FUR all over the place! Even though I cleaned this room ever so well yesterday and have the windows open, the little fan bringing in the fresher air (and a bit of a chill) I’ve managed to soak a double paper towel already. The nose keeps running. Oh well… the things we do go through. It’s a small bit to pay to be back. – As I’m sitting here, on the bed, I look out the window to the “garage” across the road: There’s a sign on the door… “Sherwin Williams”! Well! Imagine that “Paintgirl”! Must to take a photo to send along. – Things to do and accomplish today. But, as is “common” for me, I’ve been up about 2 hours now and, at 8.03, I feel the “wash” of fatigue and the desire to go back to sleep. I get only the first 2 hours of a day and then fatigue and exhaustion. Seriously?

Wed.3.Jul: (Catching-up on Wed. at 23.40) I woke with the sun-rise this morning and, admittedly, wasted most of the day messing on the PC. Yes, it’s proving to be a “Toshiba”… piece of shit. But it serves a purpose… Internet, Twits, e-mail. I can’t expect it to do much more. And the OS (Windows8) is STILL a total and complete bull-shit mess. But, as I say, it does what it does… no more. – This afternoon however, I FINALLY managed to get laundry done! CLEAN CLOTHES AT LAST! Yes indeedie, I’m a happier person now. It’s been hot, humid and all, and that walk from Milton on Monday was drizzly and sweaty. Yes, clean clothes make for the “happy”. I even did the sheets for the bed in the back room for Randy (who arrived this evening with – oh yay – another dog! chihuahua – Chica – of all things!) AND, this evening, I made the bed for him as well! How “participatory” is THAT? – Bob keeps saying “You live here…” when I do things. But he says it in a most complimentary way. He and Lyle actually are happy I’m here (and I don’t blame them, after what I’ve heard AND SEEN about the other two). Which brings me to… – I’ve managed to get the room in shape and to a point where I’m rather happy with it. Bob commented: It looks amazing! “The ladies” never Hoovered, never cleaned, and the place always looked like a “war zone”, as Bob put it. Well, yes, I saw what they were capable of. But this is where I will be… for a while anyway, and this is how I am comfortable. (Strangely enough, Lyle and I tend to share in our “OCP” so all is well with me and my “orderly” self. – This evening was quite fun… Bob came home from work and Lyle and I went into “the big city” (St.A.) together to make groceries. They have plans for the holiday tomorrow (I thought they were going to entertain here, but…) and there’s food to be prepared so Lyle and I went to Hannaford’s and Price Chopper to shop. It actually was rather fun AND beneficial for me: I BOUGHT FOOD FOR ME! (And with the FS, I covered the food for them as well. It wasn’t a lot, Lyle didn’t buy a lot for the house, most of it was simply for tomorrow. But at least now I feel I’ve contributed something to “the general fund”. And of course, I do so gladly and willingly.) So I now have little bits of stuff that I can eat including breakfast cereal, another jar of coffee (I now have 4-plus in the larder) and some little munchie-thingies… oh, and Ramen noodles… just in case. All totaled about 70$, most of which was my shopping. And Lyle was quite the champ, letting me run aisle to aisle as I thought of things I wanted to have. We popped across the road to PC where Lyle wanted to get cooked chicken for all of us for dinner this evening and I managed to get 2 Glade candles (the boxes from storage still have that foul odour to them and I can smell it in the room!), a package of sewing needles and an extension cord. But PC didn’t have the chicken (which I told Lyle, I couldn’t have covered with FS anyway) so he got a rather large, frozen pizza… with sausage. Those two are HUGE on their pork (and I’m eating it solely because it’s food of some kind but it’s playing utter havoc with my insides… it’s as if I can feel it working its way through my digestive tract… ick.). So I covered dinner tonight as well. I’m part of the house-hold and it feels quite good (may these days continue on and on…) – After dinner, I helped, albeit only a bit, with making the salads for tomorrow. I defrosted the little fridge up-stairs in the “Media Room” (which is where I can store some fridge foods and use the micro-wave… milk in the fridge and hot food in the micro-wave!) and the night went along until 0.45 when I finally gave up, gave in and put out the lights.

Thu.4.Jul:

(On Fri. 7.46) 4th July… BFD. The entire notion just makes me want to slap somebody in this nation of bull-shit. – ANYway…. I was up by 7.00 this morning, had my morning coffee and had a bit of a smoke at the window. The little fan in the North window pulls enough air through to push the smoke out the South window. Not that I’ll make a habit of it but… Truth? When I went out my door to use the bath-room this morning, Randy’s Chica barked (that wretched yipping that makes a person truly want to step on and crush the little thing into the carpeting). SO… if that’s going to the be case and Randy won’t close the door to the room? I shall have no choice but to make “adjustments” to protocol. Of course I won’t do this often enough to make the room smell of cigarette, but still… And perhaps it’s justification but… I don’t feel good about having that dog bark, waking people in the house. Better I have a quick smoke at the window and do what I can to keep the odour away (and I can do that with ease…) – OK then… this morning was a lot of trying to put my “computer” life back together, arranging files (and, in my little breaks… the room as well) and then came the “news” that I was expected to join the other 3 to go to “Steve and Bret’s” today for a little holiday do. I didn’t want to. But, as Bob put it, I get to meet more people (not that I necessarily need to do that, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt I dont’ suppose) so… shower and throw me together (I really don’t have all that much in the way of clothing here. And this is going to be a bit of a trouble when the cooler weather comes if I don’t figure a way to get to the stuff before then…) and away the 4 of us went. Thankfully, only down to Sheldon. But it really was quite nice! – S/B live in a rustic sort of house, at the end of a dirt drive that seems to run about a mile into the woods. (It reminded me of the road up to G’s, as a matter of fact.) They were hospitable. As Bob had warned: Steve and I got along rather well enough because of our sense of humour. Steve inquired about my “bar and club” days in NYC and seemed a bit fascinated by the kinds of bars and places I’d been to. (It usually happens that way anyway… things that I find banal, non-NewYorkers find fascinating. But that IS the way of the world… NYers find this rural life almost impossible – even Californians with no clue do – and Rural folk are intrigued by the NY style. Aren’t we all just something?) Conversations moved along well. The rains came an the rains went and the day ended… ENDED in clear blue skies. Oh, and I ATE! Well, freely and seconds! “Kosher” hot dogs (foot-longs… two) and MOUNDS of potato and pasta salads. TWO helpings of ice-cream cake. I ATE! – And we discussed Richford! It’s a bit of interesting… Richford has this horrid reputation and seems to be THE un-loved town of the North. As folks say though, it got that way after all the businesses (like Sweat Cummings) closed and the place was just left to rot. There were jokes told about the place and bits of history talked about. But the under-lying factor? Seems I’m now “from Richford” up in these parts. SO… … … my “life” actually IS being re-written! It now begins… in … Richford… VT. And? I’m quite happy about that. – The 4 hours passed rather quickly and… a good time was had by all. (Now, because of all the humming birds at their place, I miss my feeders in Roosa Gap!) – By about 18.30 we were all back at the ranch and settled into our respective places, as it were… meaning… I came back to my room and the others settled into the living-room to watch TV. – This evening, Bob came in to “visit” a couple of times. He does so rather frequently and freely. I don’t mind at all. Actually, it’s almost complimentary: he didn’t bother “the ladies” when they were here (primarily because they made it so one wouldn’t want to) and yet, he feels comfortable enough to come by. He told me about the bed in the room: Sweat Cummings… manufactured in Richford! So, each night, the connection to Richford provides me with much-needed repose. Ah…. – OK. A little “vent” time here, just to get it out of the system: the dogs (Ellie and Dixie) follow him in when he comes to “visit” and they jump up onto the bed! And it makes me rather … well… seems in my dotage I’ve developed that “country” sense where-by animals are NOT to be ON the bed! Not to mention, I’d swear I have some allergies, with tickling throat, coughing, runny nose/sneezing and body itching. But, in spite of the fact that “the ladies” wouldn’t allow the dogs into the room at all, I just don’t want to make for any negative feelings about the little creatures, and so, I remain rather silent. That, and the fact that it took me 3 hours to get their fur out of the carpeting to begin with and the first thing they do upon arrival is scratch and leave little tufts on the floor. I’ve often wondered: why have I been in places with animals of late? NYC: dog and cat then to 2 cats then VT… Now, 3 dogs, a cat and 2 ferrets (though the ferrets are in the master bed-room and so, I don’t get to see them at all… and Bob wants to find them another home… the poor little things… I know what it’s like to be in a place where people want to find me another place to go to). But… such is “Life” and it’s not completely unbearable and I’m here and I like it here and well, these are the things we learn to live with. Vent session done. – Before I sign-off on this day’s entries, a little something I’ve noted: NOT a word from NYC. Nothing from EW. Nothing from Eddy. Nothing. (And, correspondence from Nancy has been rare, but I understand that. She’s working like crazy. Poor dear Nancy.) So, it appears I’m on the top of the Shit Parade in NYC. Well? Fukkemall! – And… that’s that. Next!

Fri.5.Jul: I am SO SORRY that I didn’t bring my pillows! I now have only the one and my sinuses are not happy. Last night I took the sleeping bag, rolled it up and used it as the second pillow. This morning, again, I wake, with post nasal drip, tickling throat and a cough. Hmpf. – 8.39 and I’ve been awake from since about 7…with the sun-rise that comes pouring into the windows! DAY-LIGHT IN THE MORNING! Ah…. – I need a bit of a shave and beard trim today.

Sat.6.Jul: (On Sun.) The day began on a lazy sort of note. Bob came to ask if I wanted to take a ride over to the lake with him. I’d wondered how far it actaully is, just to have a reference, and so, off we went. Carmi is really quite nice. Not exactly what I’d expected: the water isn’t the usual crystal clear, and rumour has it that the houses along the shore empty directly into it… albeit via septic. Still… it’s noticeable that nobody actually goes to swim. (I wonder about the Summer camps though. Well, one of these days… if we ever get any sun-shine, maybe I’ll give it a try.). We dropped into the Snack Bar across. Ah… what I’ve come to know as “typical” of VT: the woman running the place these days is the niece of the previous owner. She and Bob got into a discussion about not being able to trust anybody but family to work in a place. Flash-backs (for me) of the Days Inn fiasco. I’ll always be convinced that, as What’s-Her-Name told me, that bunch of idiots will continue hiring non-family but they’ll never trust any of them and will look for, set up and accuse. In one respect I can understand… in another, I’m sorry I couldn’t find a lawyer who’d take them all through the Hell they put me through. That said… it was an interesting visit: the place used to have a bowling alley and roller rink! Damend shame how towns just disintigrate. – Well, from there, we took a drive along the shore road and dropped by to visit with a friend of Bob and Lyle. (I can’t remember the guy’s name as I write, and I’m sorry about it because he was a delight.) Although the visit was really nice and I didn’t feel at all uncomfortable, that damned tickle in the throat came in just as we were getting into conversation! I don’t understand what the hell it’s all about but it’s becoming a nuissance! So as Bob and he talked, I sipped water. It helped a little but not enough to continue talking. So? Not only am I from Richford (which got the usual repsonse of “Why?” and the chat about when Richford was great, now I’m thought of as being quiet. But the visit was, as I say, really nice. – When we were on the way back into Franklin, I mentioned to Bob that I want to take the stroll up to Morses Line, mostly to cross the border and see what reaction I get… he turned off and away we went… to Morses Line. And yes, he clocked it: 4mi. But it seems the longest 4mi! The road goes on through… well… farmish land and nothing else. It’s even more desolate than the 139 to Sutton. Still, I’m looking forward to trying the trip. Hell, I’m “known” at the Abercorn crossing, may as well become known at Morses Line. Eh? Of course, it’s another “Part Time” crossing with open/close hours. So that should be (but doens’t HAVE to be) taken into account. Like I care. But anyway, we drove up to the turn-off to les Douanes and Bob didn’t go to them… for perfectly good reasons like: they’ll be ball-busters and neither of us was in the mood. Still and so… now I know where it is, how far it is and how to get to it. (I’ve done the calcs for Morses Line and Frelighsburg… Frelighsburg is closer… but still farther than Sutton was to Church St… I’m home-sick for Richford.) – Well, that was a pleasant way to spend the time today. Back to the house. – THe rest of the day passed with such intense abdominal pain!!! My bowels are all off with dark-to-green. Pork? Most likely. That, and the fact that, for several days, there was no “bath-room”. I stopped-up completely for a while. THAT, I believe, was nerves. But so be it and such is life. – This evening, Bob made Paté Chinois for dinner! A stange sort of thing though: he added all sorts of ingredients to it. It was “interesting” in that it was more like beef with a sauce of corn and potatoes. But it was good, it was filling and it was FOOD! And I had 2 servings (I’ve been ever so hungry… I’d had my breakfast cereal today too.. that probably took a bit of a toll on the digestive tract, too much food after not enough for too long, and milk fat? ANYway… – Tonight we sat together and watched some movie on the TV. And, as we watched, I some-what enjoyed a vodka-coke. Tonic would have been better, but… – At one point, I went out back for a smoke and the silence of the night was, well, it was SO WONDERFUL! The “sound of silence” disturbed only by the sound of the stars suspended in the night sky. How I’d missed that calm, that serenity. And at the same time, how I knew (and know) how much I miss being able to have my time with me alone. As Liz once put it: I am not afraid to live with myself. And, quite honestly, I miss the time spent with me. I am forever returning to those days on Church… sitting alone in the house. They were unstable days, but, at their base, they were wonderful, beautiful days… and nights too. – So the day ended with several bits of correspondence with Eddy. It’s a bit of a comfort to know that he’s not pissed at/with me. Not that I truly can say that I give a shit one way or the other. I truly have no particular place in my Life for anybody or anything in NYC these days. Those 2 months gave me the “closure” I suppose I may have needed. All I need to do now is remove all of what is in storage… and that day is coming quite soon. And then? Done. No more NYC. That is NOT my “home”/”Home” nor is it a place where I belong or wish to be. I’ve come back to The North Country… this is where…

Sun.7.Jul: 16.42 I was awake, with-out the alarm, at 7.30 this morning. The sun was shining and yet, it was still quite cool in the room. Last night I actually slept under the sleeping bag! How delightfully cool! But, as the morning moved along, so too, the clouds and before long, all returned to the over-cast skies that have become the normal state of late. – (On Mon.) The day went… and became evening. And tonight we had pasta and sauce with meat-balls. Meat and dairy. Pork again. And it’s ripping my insides apart. – This evening, Bob did a search for me as we sat in the living-room. He looked for the book and found it. Then came the “name” questions. It should be interesting to see what that brings, now that they know the ful name. I don’t really care much though. Hopefully it won’t start any shit. – As the night progressed, I came up to the room to tidy a bit and got SO tired that by 22.30 I was in bed. – The day passed… So too, the week-end. And all was/is….

Mon.8.Jul: 13.40 already. And to think, I’ve been awake from since 5 this morning and accomplished? Nothing of note save, a shower (for naught) and a bit of laundry. Was thinking of taking a stroll up to Frelighsburg this after-noon and decided to have a bit of breakfast cereal before embarquing. Ah… well… the little plastic container that I use as a bowl? Cracked!!! Yes, indeed… a lap FULL of half’n’half! I’m so thrilled. But, I did get to check my credit report (only 1 of the 3 companies came through for that… fukme) and it looks to be fair. So I completed an application for a loan with the banque. It takes a business day before I get a reply. I’m not putting any hope into this. But it will be interesting to see how it turns out none-the-less. Meanwhile, I’m just about a wits’ end now. I should put the clothes into the machine but I really don’t want to use the water and electric. It’s probably not a problem, but I don’t want to take advantage… I’ll wait until tomorrow. Maybe I’ll have more to wash. I don’t know. – It’s been cool in here this morning. I actually slept under the sleeping bag last night and had to put on a hooded sweat this morning. (Yes, that too got the dairy!) But I’m not complaining. And just now, there’s a bit of sun. Weather forecast is just for passing clouds through the day. Cooler temperatures. And calcs indicate that the stroll to Frelighsburg should take about 2 hours. It’s farther than the stroll to Sutton… doesn’t that just figure? Oh well. – And too, there’s the job searching which is primarily for nothing until I get a way to get TO and FROM a job. But, I’m here and I’m happy to be here and there’s another 2 months’ rent in the PO (which is about a 4hr. stroll away at this point). So… Anything worth having is worth working for. This will be “work” indeed. – And the house is quiet. Lyle and Randy watching TV down-stairs, and I’ve been in the room all day… in silence.

Tue.9.Jul:23.02

HOME!!!
16km door-to-door, from the house to the dépaneur in Frelighsburg… This morning brought much-missed and much-need sun-shine and rather clear skies! I checked the forecast and it gave an entire day of the same so I decided: THIS is THE day! I was up early enough, took my shower, got me together and… I left the house at 11.00 figuring on a “strolling pace” of about 8km/h. (What a surprise to me to find that I’m “strolling” at only 4km/h these days… Old age is upon!) – Well… as it went along, the day turned really rather interesting and I believe, worth the trip and the journal. – I took off an followed the LakeRd. and just before getting to the lake, a car passed me… FL plates… it was Dave, the friend of Bob&Lyle whom I’d met on Saturday! He had no reason to recognise me and didn’t stop. He was on his way back to his place. But I had to note: Imagine? This is SO “VT”, to be out on the open road and “see” some-one one knows. I’m rather a believer of the rumour: spend enough time here, you get to know the entire State. Indeed! – By about noon I was at the lake and stopped in at the SnackBar for a bottle of water (I’d forgotten to bring one of my own along and I KNEW I’d NEVER make the trip with-out). Folks there said I’d made good time, but I was a bit not-too-impressed, even thoiugh I wasn’t presseing my pace. I asked about how far it was to the end of the LakeRd and got what I’ve come to accept as a “typical VT” reply when it comes to distance… Nobody actually knew. (It’s like the crap: Oh you can make it to Montréal in 45 minutes… when, in reality, it takes over 2 hours… Ah… VT.) As it turns out, for this trip, the SnackBar is about a 3rd of the trip, the border is another 3rd so I was setting “mile stones”. Speaking of which, theres a small granite “mile stone” along the LakeRd that’s engraved “1955”. I have to get back there, take a picture and investigate it’s purpose. Of all the years. The World is s strange place. – Well, chit-chat at the SnackBar was fun and “local”, I got my water and was on my way again. And the day was brilliant and skies were clear… and the temperature was rising with the sun. But I was on a “new” trip so it was fine. – Well, seems the info I got about the distance wasn’t all too far off. I see from the time-stamp on the photos taken, I was 1mi from the border at 12.37! Out in the middle of absolute no-where, a Border Crossing. Yup, the W.Berkshire crossing is one of those places one wonders about: narrow road, corn field, and, it’s a wonder why there’s a road out there at all really. But that’s what makes these roads interesting (to me): wondering how it began, what purpose it once served and why it’s maintained as a crossing today. – A sad note here, and one that truly pisses me off as I think about it: Just before the border-crossing, on the VT side, there is a farm. To the East is the barn, to the West, the house. As I approached, a woman, about my age, was working in a small garden at the barn. She called to me “Where do you come from?” Well, considering where I was and that I was on foot, it was a perfectly logical question. So we talked about my Richford days of border crossings and such. And then, as I stood there, looking right AT “the border” this woman, who has obviously been there for many years told me that she doesn’t ever cross… because she doesn’t have a passport! Imagine! She can stand right THERE, SEE “the border”, the road dust carries to her farm, even the seeds and pollen of the plants carry on the breeze, the animals come to her farm from the North (another country) but SHE can’t cross because of the bull-shit politics! As she leaves her farm and gets onto the only road there, she can NOT turn to the North… only to the South… EVER! It saddened and angered me terribly. Such stupidity! But she didn’t seem to mind, nor care. Well, we chatted a bit as the sun got hotter and me, I realised that I was 2 thirds of the way to my destination. We bade each-other a good afternoon and I was off to what we here all accept as “typical” and “expected”: the US Border Patrol!!!! – These days, I expect the stupidity and arrogance and the general pompous attitudes at the US side, so, when, as I approached, I was, not with words but a simple hand gesture, beckoned to go to the guy at the US side (they dont’ speak… WE aren’t worth or worthy of speech… in their opinion… prix as they are), I merely smiled and expected the 20-question interrogation. Ah… but the 2 here, this afternoon, were interestingly more inquisitive than interrogating and in mere moments I was en route to… les Douanes! – Now THEY were rather intriguing and most intrigued… I was the FIRST they’d EVER experienced crossing on foot! The 2 young guys (one, quite attractive, stern and… now as I record this on Wed.at9.27, familiar; I believe I’d seen him at the Richford crossing! Anyway, the other, rather “Semitic” looking and much more pleasant) came out to me and, of course, were interrogational but SO polite about it. But of course they were… it’s what we, who cross almsot regularly, accept and appreciate as the “Human” aspect of what is NOT the “US”. THEN… THEN!!! The “Days Inn, Shelburne” matter… AGAIN AND STILL!!! IT’S BEEN ALMOST A YEAR AND DIANNE OWENS SHIT STILL LINGERS! The “woman” is a complete and utter PIECE OF SHIT! The damage she’s caused is unforgiveable! BUT and how-ever, the BRILLIANCE of the stern fellow… he STAMPED my passport! Now it clearly shows that I’ve crossed and I’m clean and clear. BRILLIANT! (How I long to go HOME where “people” are “human” and “humane” and possess correctly functioning brain cells and are not inheritantly evil.) I was on my way and crossing onto HOME soil was, as it always is… a RELIEF! – The route follows the Rivière Aux Brochets, un-like to the Richford-Sutton route. The 237 is VERY much less-traveled but is peaceful and wonderful (and has hills, unlike the 139 that is FLAT). BUT… from the border to centre village is a mere 4km! And… when I arrived (at about 14.00)? Frelighsburg looked only slightly like the Google images… it was enough to get my bearings but the village is MUCH, MUCH prettier and certianly small. All told, it was a trip WELL worth the effort.. even in spite of the heat of the day! The forecast was for 27deg… it got there and probably higher. – With-out skipping a beat, I headed to the dépaneur for something to drink, cigarettes and of course… MaeWest. What struck me was that here, in l’Estrie, the predominant language: French! And not Montréal or rural French… these people spoke what I’ve come to think of as “High French”… clear, slow, “proper” Canadian French! The young lady at the caisse spoke Englsih and French and we talked about the politics of it. (The PQ closed their only English school and now, everything is conducted in French!) We talked about the village and I made my purchase and sat on the bench out-side to have my Coke and smoke, enjoying the village and certainly not being in any particular rush to leave. – Next stop was at the school, which is now an art gallery and Infocentre. There, I met “France” who was an absolute delight. We chatted for at least 90mins about the village and all sorts of topics. And, again, I felt at HOME. It was rather difficult leaving today. My entire Being was at peace, at comfort, at… HOME. – But, by about 16.30 I was strolling down rue Principale and on my journey… South and back to the US… and SLOWLY! I was saturated with sweat, the sun was still shining brightly and the heat was still very much all around. I took my time today… no rush, no hurry. But my feet were beginning to hurt… as usual and more this time because of the heat. I slowed, I paused, I strolled. – OK then! TODAY we had QUITE the adventure coming back into VT: It began as the “usual” rather magalomaniacal interrogation by a stern fellow who, as most at the US crossing, takes his “job” entirely TOO seriously. He, as “they” tend to be, was intrigued by my having walked and hit me with the questions about where I lived… until I had to give the exactl location of the house. WELL! As I did, the woman in the little box looked up and said “Lyle?” IMAGINE! She’d gone to school with him, knew him well and I had to laugh… actually LAUGH to think: ME! 2 years in this State and now I have connections to the border-crossing guard! Laniehull and I chatted about the house (she even knows the room!) and Franklin, her recent visit to family in FL, Lyle’s knowledge of music and such and his “temper” (as she pointed-out). It was nothing short of AMAZING for me. Well, our chat changed the entire atmosphere. Mr. Magalomaniac simply went back into the building… and I noticed, not too happy about the fact that LH and I were getting along, oh well, too bad, hard cheese and tough shit Buckaroo. As I left, I was still laughing… aloud. – The trip from the border to the SnackBar was, well, difficult. My feet were blistering, legs and feet were cramping… the heat, the humidity, the walking. But, all said and done? It was ALL SO worth it all. The sun was setting but the heat was still high. – I made it to the SnackBar at almost 18.30 and had time to spoil me with a “Creemee” (vanilla and REALLY GOOD!), Coke and I got 2 bottles of water. The whole thing came to about 4$ (this morning’s bottle of water? 2,12$ for a Dasani that tasted of old plumbing!). OH! The ice cream was SO welcomed! Cold and filling and delicious! And… by 19.00 I was back on the road… SLOWLY! – Arrival in Franklin? 19.55! WouHou! I was a touch sun-burned and tired. I really would have like to have come into quiet (all day I’d been thinking of returning to the house on Church St. and how I miss Richford so much). But the greetings were warm and wonderful. I gave my “Hello” and gave Lyle his message from LH… he smiled! – I SHOWERED!!! IT WAS WONDERFUL! The blisters on the feet are small. I was EXHAUSTED! – I had a smoke on the front stoop in the evening breeze, in the relative calm, in the peace. It had been quite a day and it was good to be back at the house… here… in The North. – Randy had bought dinner for all today… a hero sandwich from the market next door… and it was MAGNIFICENT! Lyle brought it out for me and at about 22.00, I had “dinner”… filling and delicious. – By 22.30 I was up in the room, ready to collapse. The day was “done”. – No word from the banque. I guess I’ll have to ring them on the phone. I’m not counting on this to come through. It means too much and is so important. I’m not counting or relying on it. Oh well… I just have to keep in the fore-front: This is important to me and I will HAVE to invest time, effort an energy in it. – A thought: SB came to VT 2 months before I arrived. Now, some 2 years later, I’ve managed to actually become “part” of this State and the people and the towns. Him? TO the best of my knowledge… not. A shame, really. And he’s cut himself from me and our contact. Me? All of this has become “Home”… and it’s really quite GREAT! Peace. So many photos taken…

Wed.10.Jul: 13.08 And… although I’ve been awake from 7.00 and just finished yesterday’s entry… a call to the banque and it was as expected. So… yesterday was a true delight and marvel… today, we “pay” for the “Joy”. – I have laundry that needs to be washed. On to the “routine” of “Life”. At least I didn’t expect anything different. The “Well-Prepared Pessimist”. – 24.03 The rains came. Somebody must have dropped a load of cow-shit on the road some-where because it’s wafting in the window. – Me? I’m still awake and not happy about it. Lethargic for most of the day. – We had a wonderful dinner. The 4 of us. It rather strikes me as strange that I’m always included at dinner. Yes, I put in about 100$ toward food. But I didn’t expect to participate in it. Well… what can I say? I do enjoy dining with everyone in the house. But, I just feel odd about it. – The insomnia? It’s the thoughts of the car. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this part. There’s a cheque in the PO in Richford (20mi away). Not enough for the entire payment, but a considerable portion of it. I didn’t expect the banque to simply drop the amount in my lap. But then, I didn’t expect a total rejection either. They say it’s because of my “credit score”. But Experian told me, when I phoned, that they don’t have ANY score for me! I haven’t had credit in YEARS and now? I have “no score”. How the hell do they expect me to get one if… oh, it’s the same old shit story: can’t get if you don’t have. I have to begin from the very beginning. No easy task, that. Yes, I had the oil account in Richford. But that was all cash. And… that was the only account I had. Hmmm… Oh well. I’ll have to think of something. Meanwhile, it makes me… the insomniac. Y’know? I didn’t expect this return to be easy and I resolved to do what I must to make it all work out. I just have to get my shit together and get on it. – Today was as I more or less expected: a bit on the “painful” side, after all that walking yesterday. The walk and the heat and the sweat and the dehydration, no doubt. Tomorrow should be better, I suspect. – Ah… thunder. A good night for sleep… if I can just get to it. – At least the rent is paid through next month. I don’t have to worry about that for a bit. – Well? It’s not “bad”. – Oh! Border Patrol passed by the house a moment ago! I’ve missed seeing them. Comforting. – No Skype with Nancy this evening. I understand, but it was disappointing. There will be other opportunities. – Now that the “storm” is coming, I suppose I should try for some sleep. A bit of reading should help and there are books to read (thank you Nannette!).

Thu.11.Jul: Still rather recuping from the Great Adventure to the North, I actually did manage to busy my-self ALL day today. Mostly in the room. I keep thinking of how Bob and Lyle said that Val and Carly weren’t any trouble (other than the little idiosyncracies) and that they stayed in the “Media” room most of the time. Me? I’m in this room most of the time and in silence. Yes, oddly, not even the radio on. Just silence. No particular reason. Just is. – I was called for dinner again tonight. Steak and potato. There was more but the steak was on the plate and the potato, in the bowl. I do appreciate the food. I’m just not comfortable eating it. Yes, I did contribute about 90$ to the food budget, still… – Anyway, I’m rambling here. – Took a stroll round the back-yard with Bob after dinner and he told he of his plans for renovations and such on the house. Many plans. – Then, this evening before he went to bed he dropped by and just simply asked when I planned to pay rent… I told him on the first of the month unless another time would make it easier for him. We also discussed the 2 months that I’d sent before coming up. He’s viewing that as “security” (which even he said he doesn’t see as being necessary) or “last month”… which he said is more appropriate. Me? I was thinking July and August. Oh well. Not a big deal… thus far. But I need to figure a way to get a car! And THAT is my greatest concern right now. No car, no work. No work… well… – In the “spare” time, between concerns and after such, I’m logging music again. I had OH so much logged SO long ago. Those logs, that music… gone today. But we repeat. – And so, this day and date are a wrap. Life in a Northern town… – Oh… one more note: When I checked for my credit score (which, I’m told, I have none because I have no credit cards or such), there was a question concerning an out-standing “mortgage”. I don’t have one. But today it struck me: I wonder… did Cyndi and Tony re-finance their house under MY name? I mean, Tony bought that new TV those years ago, when he wasn’t working, by getting his mother to sign Cyndi’s name to a loan. I had all of my things in their house for a while and I wasn’t around most of the time, giving them time to search for info. I’d like to think that HE and not she may have done this. But I can’t help but think of the suggestions of many others about the storage issue: there were things of great monetary value stored… Today, the question returns: Did they simply take the valuables and sell them and then lie and tell me that all was simply lost when they failed to make the rent? Although it causes me to ponder, I console me with the tought: At my age and at this juncture of “Time”, I’m not here for much longer… it doesn’t make any difference at all… one way or another.

Fri.12.Jul: 7.15 imagine this… awake. Sun is shining. The forecast is for a delightful day. Plans were to hitch over (or walk) to Richford today. But I woke to a really painful great toe, left foot. It began bothering me on the trip back from Frelighsburg but I never gave it another thought and it wasn’t painful at all. This morning, even before getting out of bed, it hurts. So, the decision now is whether to ignore it and have a go, or to pay attention. There really is no particular mad rush to make the trip. But I’d feel better if I could get to the PO. There are papers there that I should be addressing. And last night’s mention of rent just makes me… well… a bit ill at ease. Oh well. We shall see. – 23.15 Well… The day comes to an end, and again, it was spent in the room. But today I put the time to better use: I’m back out on the Internet with a web-site. JAKessler Design is back up on the WWW. There’s a lot of work that has to be done on the site. I used the WP installation to see what it’s all about since that’s what a lot of companies are looking for. Not thrilled. But I believe I can work with it. At any rate, it’s good to be back in the “Global” swing of things. This site is for the business. I should work on one for the art. But that will come in time… or I’ll come up with a way to get it going right from here… eventually. If that’s the case, I should get back into the painting before the Autumn season… Leaf-peepers will be a’comin’ soon. – Lyle has gone for the night. A “Sleep Eval” thing in St.A. So it’s Bob and Randy and my-self in the house tonight. I don’t spend much time with the folks. Not that I don’t want to. Just that I’m realising that I’m not exactly the kind of person “who needs people”. Richford was perfect for that. (I miss that town.) – TALKED with Nanc this evening! It’s always a true wonderful delight to HEAR her voice! Does my heart and soul SO much GOOD! She really is “Family”… in the true and good sense of the word. We don’t get to talk often, so it’s like a mini holiday gift when we do. – Dinner tonight was pizza… loaded with the fave of the house: pork. My stomach is truly ripping itself to shreds but I dont’ want to offend by not participating in the meal or by declining the offer. (As the kind Rabbi Lewis once put it: Which is worse: to eat the pork or to decline the offer. Well, the “rules” say it’s worse to decline because the feelings of the other person are more important. Still, my body has never been one for pork… even as a child, and these days are constant reminders.) – I didn’t get to Richford today. That toe was actually swollen. I wonder if I’ll lost the nail like I did in Beacon when it turned black and fell off. I hope not. I have too many miles to cover before… And today would have been the perfect day for travel: clear skies, no humidity and lower temperatures. In the next couple of days we’re supposed to be going back up into the 30’s! I dread that. Still… even as it is now, I’m sitting here with a hooded sweat-shirt on. There’s a most delightful chill in the night air. It’s “July” in The North Country… just like the good days in Montréal when, all day we’d bitch about the heat, the sun would disappear from the sky and the chill would roll in… just in time to shower and head out to Centreville. Yup… I’m back in The North Country… and so close to HOME. One of these days… soon, I should think. – Anyway, there’s a little more time before sleep and a lot more “work” to be done on the site now that it’s running and can be used in my applications for work. So, I must get to the responsibilities… always the responsibilities. – All said: It’s great to be here. – Oh, a mention: This evening Nancy said something about making amends or such with SB. Truth of the matter is that I don’t know what happened there. Other than the fact that he simply disappeared and cut communications… HE did, not I. I wonder sometimes: Is he pissed at me for some reason or does he feel he can’t communicate with me for some reason? I honestly just don’t know. Sad. But, when I get to the core of the situation, I have to say that I don’t (or can’t) give a shit one way or the other. If this is how he wants it, then so be it. I can’t and won’t go running to him. Once was a time I might have wanted to give him a genuine hug if ever I see him. These days? Not even “not so much”… – OK. That said… enough of this for now. I need a bit of a shower tonight… it’s been 2 or 3 days… (it’s also been as long from since the last time I had a shit, come to thing about it… and that’s not good!).

Sat.13.Jul: Well, it’s 1.38 on Sunday morning already. The days pass quickly…and calmly… and quietly. – I spent most of the day in the room, working on the catalogue of music. There’s SO much music gone missing and SO much I truly want (and need) to replace… soon. Besides, it was another rather hot and humid day, all told, so “going” any-where was really out of the question. – This afternoon, the guys went into St.A. I was invited to go along but declined. What I didn’t know is that they went grocery shopping! And… Bob announced that they over-spent their “limit”! I’m really rather upset about it and said that, if they’d said they were going for groceries, I certainly would have gone (not only for the few things I need from the market, but to let them have what I have on my card). At one point, I sat on the front stoop to have a smoke and thought, in my anxieties: It’s not my fault, and there’s nothing I can do about it… they didn’t say… I didn’t know. Still, it eats at me. – Oh well, as I keep telling me rather regularly: I came Home to get HOME. In Mum’s words: This too shall pass. – We all dined together this evening, rather to my chagrin. I tried to dodge it by feigning not hearing the call to table (I had my ear-buds in, listening to music on the lap-top… but it didn’t quite work… when Lyle actually came to the room to say that dinner was ready.) I must figure a way to dodge this event with-out being hurtful. – The rest of the night? The guys were having drinks, watching TV. Bob commented that they’ve never seen me drink (no, I’ve made sure of that). But I did pour a bit of vodka into my left-over coffee and joined them. – At one point during the later part of the night I went out to the stoop for a smoke. Silence… I walked out to the street, walked across and looked at the house. I stood on Main in the silence… nothing around… a woman stood silently on the porch up the road. It truly is a small town. And I’m happy… HAPPY here. I miss Richford terribly. But I’m Happy here. Quiet. Silence.What is there that shouldn’t be liked and can’t provide “Happy”? Yes, I want so much to get back to Richford… I want to “be” alone again. I keep thinking: I’m not a “People” person and I have an agenda, I have matters that I have to deal with and others are simply… well… the situation isn’t all too good. Yes, I’m “Happy” here…but “here” isn’t what I came back for. – When I came up to my room tonight, Randy was getting ready for sleep. I stopped by his door and chatted with him before retiring. – Yes, I’m Happy here. And it’s close to HOME… I’ll be there… soon. Nobody will understand, but now? I don’t care. It’s not for them to understand. i even shot-off a brief e-mail to EW about the very thing. Strangely… I’d no sooner sent it when I regretted having sent him any words at all. Prick! He’s a dead issue now… just as SB is. I’ve much to accomplish for me and they’re just not of import to that. (I’ll never forget being told, by EW: “You write people off too quickly!” No… I don’t “write off”, you hand me an eraser and… well? Bugger yourself. Tah.

Sun.14.Jul: 23.47 And another day comes to an end. This one was incredibly hot and humid! It’s amazing how hot and humid it’s been, this far to the North. I thought I’d be coming to a place more comfortable, but, well, who is to say what the Hell is going on? – Spent most of the day in the room, working on the new web-site and on cataloguing music. Ah… music. The whole iPod thing must be re-vamped. There are plans for the music, the lists, the tunes. And it’s all rather important… to me… not to the rest of the World… but to me. – We all had dinner together again tonight. It’s rather nice, although I’m terribly uncomfortable about it. I don’t want to be insulting to anyone, and so must find a way to bring this to a halt… soon. – A car is the greatest concern now. Silly, when I think about it seriously. In the long-run, it makes no matter at all. – I came Home to get HOME. Daily, I remember that. – Seems the nail on the “great toe” is about to turn black. The walk to Frelighsburg in sneakers, and in that heat wasn’t the brightest idea of the moment and did it’s damage. I remember walking from Wappingers to Beacon on night after working a 9-hour shift at the HomeDepot. 3 days later, that same toe nail turned black and with-in about a week, it split from the toe. A while later, it simply came right off. Repeat. And I have a LOT of travelling to get in this week coming. Oh well. What must be done will be done. – If I’m to get this “car”, I don’t know how to go about doing it. I’m quite stupid when it comes to this. There’s the matter of “no credit score”… not a “bad credit score”… just none. I haven’t used any credit resources in so many years that I’ve ceased to exist. And, as usual, if you have none, you can’t get any and nobody wants to be the first to offer. What bothers me most is that I don’t need all that much really. But getting even the basic is ridiculously difficult. When I get back into Richford, I’ll hope Brenda is about. I’ll talk with her about it. (I feel closer to people in Richford that anybody any-where else in The North Country. And all the joking about “being from Richford” on the part of others only tends to strengthen that feeling. I am identified with the town… people laugh… I’m quite proud of it.) – And so, this evening, Bob and Lyle went to a bit of a concert in Highgate. Randy and I were invited and declined. We had a quiet evening watching a bit of TV, in the living-room, where the air conditioner is running. – Tonight, Cubby is in the room with me. Sweet little cat. Just so loving. Purrs all the time when he’s about me. Sweet. Even Lyle comments on how he’s bonded with me. I’m honoured. – I didn’t get to sleep until 3.00 this morning and didn’t get up until almost 9.30 so I’ll have to get me back into a routine for the week. As I say, there’s much travel to be done (and much heat and humidity coming as well). Early morning starts are necessary, and tomorrow will be the first. – Oh!!! Texts from Nanc today! I do hate texts, but communication with her is always such a delight to me and makes for “good” in any day. I think she knows that… – So, a quick re-cap of yesterday, with the notes jotted. Up-date the “Journal” and to bed! The window fan is pulling in the night air… there’s coolness in it… at long last!

Mon.15.Jul: Well, well, well. The heat came up and the day went by. And nothing much got accmplished. Quite honestly, this heat thing just isn’t right. I went out for only a smoke and the sun felt as if it was seering flesh. This is The North Country! And when I think back to the Winter months, sitting in a house, wearing out-door clothes and chilled through to the bone? Extremes. The Winter was expected. This Summer was not. – I asked Lyle about the bikes in the barn. He suggested checking the air in the tyres. I never did get around to it, but I suppose I should have expected that “all” wouldn’t simply be a matter of get one and go. So tomorrow, that is priority. I seriously doubt that my toe will allow for travel of any great distance. (I haven’t been able to put a shoe, boot or sneaker on since the walk to Frelighsburg. Hmmm….) – However, I DID manage to bring my mood “up” just the slightest, as I sat, pissed about not getting on the road: I checked, on-line, with the car dealer across the road. On thier site, they had a page where one can look into a “credit score”. It’s directly with the dealer-ship, and not the usual route and, according to their calculations, my score is right up there with about 49 per-cent of folks! It was pretty damned GOOD! SO… I went to the next page and “applied” for “pre-approval” on a 3G used vehicle… just for the shitzengiggles of it all. The reply was that they would send me an e-mail with-in 2 hours. (The day turned into the night and the night turned into … I went to bed at about 22.30 and no reply. Of course. Oh well. I’m no worse off than I was when I woke in the morning.) – Watched TV with Lyle and Randy for a bit today. “Together” time, I suppose. I’m not really a “TV with the Guys” kind of person. I keep thinking: I’ve been alone and left alone for most of my entier life; people aren’t really part of “me”. Not a particularly “bad” thing… and, I suppose, not a particularly “good” thing… just particularly “me”. – This evening, just before dinner, I went next door to the market to get soda for the guys. They’d mentioned being out of it yesterday and I don’t recall anybody having gone to get. (The topic of conversation has been how they “over-spent” when they went into St.A. the other day and just that same evening, Bob asked Randy for a 30 buck “loan” to avoid an over-draft in the account.) Anyway, I still had 50 on the FS card so I went for the soda. Bought some “snacks” for me as well, but left them on the table for all to partake. (They didn’t… I don’t know why not, but…) When I got back from the market, moments later, they’d all finished eating dinner. (I’d kind of helped prep the pasta salad they/we had for dinner tonight… didn’t do much… what much can be done? Boil water, toss pasta, cut and onion, mix… not easy to “help” with any of that. Oh well.) So, I had a serving of salad as they cleared the table. (Lyle offered ice cream after dinner… I had a bit of that as well.) – As the evening went on, more nothing got accomplished. – Texts from Nanc though! Yup-yup. The day had it’s “Brilliant Moment”. Not for nothing, but even a text changes the day. Something about knowing that there’s at least ONE person in all of Creation who doesn’t believe that I’m completely a miserable waste. (And, come to think of it… I don’t give a flying fuck what others think of me, but Nancy’s opinion actualy matters to me. She goes back to the “darker” moments in my history and yet, she’s been here through it all. And, un-like most, she’s frank and non-judgemental. That means so much to me… just being non-judgemental, while the rest don’t seem to bother with getting to know anything much about me and jump to all sorts of conclusions. I suppse everbody actually does need to know that at least ONE person in Creation takes the time to see what matters most. Even just one…) – That said, the note of the day: I started bleaching the annoyance toe. It’s taken some of the discolouration away. The pressure/pain seems to be from directly under the nail. I wonder… It appears that the nail was shoved back as I walked. I wonder if there isn’t some sort of blister or something under it. The toe-proper is OK… just the nail. Well, bleach… the “cure-all”. If there’s an infection or fungus or something in there, it’ll soon be gone and I’ll be “back on the road again” in due course. – Tomorrow I NEED to get to the PO!

Tue.16.Jul: 7.20 Catching-up on yesterday as the sun rises in through the windows and the forecast is for… RAIN! for the next few days! And here I am, having coffee, pondering the possibilities of the day. It’s nice though, that the windows face East, and the morning light wakes me. – I’ve been watching the plants. They went from Richford, into the dark at EW’s for about a week, to Gabbie’s and day-light, to Eddy’s and his kitchen where something happened and they began to dwindle and die, to 2 days of darkness in storage. And now? It looks as if only 1 of the 4 orange trees will survive, the ivy is JUST beginning to recover, with tiny leaves returning along the little branches and the Christmas cactus is putting-out some new extensions. Poor things. They were SO beautiful in Richford, even through the cold. Then came the abuse. And yet, here they are, springing back. I just hope the orange tree survives. THAT is important to me. – Time to check on yesterday’s e-mails to see if… right… there’s any word about a car. Then? I’m out to the barn to check the tyres on the bikes. If there’s a “good” one, I’m off and on the road in spite of the forboding forecast. If neither is good? I just might try my luck and the hand of Fate and hit the road with a hitch. I NEED to get to the PO! and I don’t want to sit around the house again today. – 19.17 And another day passes, pretty much wasted. The forecast said rain this after-noon. It never came. But the heat did. I showered and strolled across the road to the car dealer and put in for a finance. Got talking with the “old” guy (probably my age, maybe a little older, but could well be younger… Willie Neslon type. Came to VT 35 years ago, from a Boston sub-urb… with 1700$ to his name and no job. Gee. Sounded so familiar. Anyway, we got to talking for a healthy hour and the results of the application came in. Nope. There are 2 lousy things on a credit report that stopped it all. One of them is a lousy 350 that Peninsula Hospital claimed. THAT should have gone to NYS Medicaid! Imagine: THREE “Social Workers” failed at putting that stay through! And today, YEARS later, it’s still on the records! Went to a Collection Agency! Who the fuck knew? They never contacted me! So, today, I sent them a rather terse note about it. SHIT! I was Homeless, jobless, friendless. I was discharged to a Shelter! And they’ll trying to kill me with this even now! The other thing? The “lien” that the IRS threatened and never carried-out! And THAT’S all been PAID over the YEARS of this country taking my refunds… yet, there it is. Bottom line? No car. No fiance. – I wore work boots to go across the road. PAIN! WOAH! That toe is miserable! But tomorrow? I’ll be up at the crack of dawn and out the door and on the road. I need to get to the PO! And so I shall go. This morning I made the “hitching sign” (as Bob and Lyle call it) to Franklin, figured a way to attach the signs to the back-pack. Tomorrow, they’ll get their trial. – Meanwhile, it’s been a some-what strange evening (thought “melodiously” as it were). Sloppy Joes for dinner. I had one small one and a few chips with. Could have done with more, but I’m cutting back on the food consumption… pariticularly considering: folks have been on the “quiet” side with me lately. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s just that I give off some kind of something that says I shouldn’t be around people. But there’s almost a “tolerance” tone and look in conversation. I keep thinking that my “gut” says there’s something “not right”… not “wrong”… just “not right”. And I’m listening to my gut. 22.08 is all I’m asking for. – And this evening, an e-mail from EW… signed-off with “good bye”. Back-up quote:

************************
eduardo wilder 13:37
did not reply on receiving your email not because indifference but for the need to think if it was even worth it for me to answer

I think that I understand more that you may give me credit for ,some things never change, they can’t change because they are what we are that’s why is so easy to hurt or get hurt
i could had understand your wanting to go back to VT had you just spoken about it ,I may not approved or like it but I could had understand what hurt me before 27 years ago is the same that hurt me now ,your luck of trust and the fact that this time you lied (I think from the very beginning)
you needed help and I did all I could ,maybe more than I should had given the circumstances but all that is past and nothing to do with the now and future

I’m sorry that things had to end this way; 4 years ago I was hesitant about renewing contact with you but sentimentality won the day and now I regret it I could put up with the nasty comments about me in your book ,with months of silence from you but not with being lied to

don’t think for a minute that I hate you or that I’m out there to get at you and know as well than when I get in that bathtub you are going to be in my mind , you had been in my mind all these years and nothing I may do or wish will get you out of my mind or heart but it is time we let go …………….
wishing you all the best life can grant you and a speedy pain free way out when you wish it

with love today and always
good bye
************************
There’s a part of me that wanted so much to reply. But there’s the part of me that looks at the entire 2 months of being in NYC and the messages that preceeded my going back there and that part, in all good sense, tells me to simply leave it all alone. However, for the sake of getting it out and letting it all go, this is a good place to reply with:

did not reply on receiving your email not because indifference but for the need to think if it was even worth it for me to answer
(If it was even worth it? WORTH IT? OK. I’ll allow that sad attempt…)

I think that I understand more that you may give me credit for ,(You “think” you understand? Uf you “thought” at all, it was all thoughts based on “you” and certainly not “me” or even “us”…. not that I wanted “us” in any way other than perhaps some degree of “friends’.) some things never change, they can’t change because they are what we are that’s why is so easy to hurt or get hurt
i could had understand your wanting to go back to VT had you just spoken about it ,I may not approved or like it but I could had understand (I DID talk about it and was brushed off, tossed about, ridiculed, mocked and then received a text message reading “go back to vt”) what hurt me before 27 years ago is the same that hurt me now ,your luck of trust and the fact that this time you lied (I think from the very beginning) (*I* lied? *MY* lack of trust? OK WOAH! I received all sorts of e-mails, you even had the balls to give Nancy a line of bull-shit about how you were going to help make my life SO much better when I got to NYC, how miserable I’ve been in VT and how YOU were going to change all that for the better because you were of the opinion that I deserve better. Ah… how I recall the day being told to get to the nearest university and get a degree in Social Work! when I was in the beginnings of helping Eddy… 2nd person you DUMPED me on when you TOSSED me OUT of *your* place! And as for “lied”? Yes, come back to NYC, we will be waiting for your return with open arms… you botched abortion. You “greeted” me with such disdain that I was offered an immediate ride BACK to VT! Right-oh there sport. *I* lied. 2 months of bull-shit: being dumped from one place to another, one day my help at the studio was appreicated, the next day it became a favour to me, “you’re lucky Martin likes you” you said. Bugger the fuck off!)
you needed help and I did all I could ,maybe more than I should had given the circumstances but all that is past and nothing to do with the now and future (I “needed help”? Yes, just like when you and I met and you were being all but tossed out of the flat in NY… and I gladly took you in at my place… and certainly didn’t dump you on any-one else. Yes, I think our “debts” are now settled.

I’m sorry that things had to end this way; 4 years ago I was hesitant about renewing contact with you but sentimentality won the day and now I regret it I could put up with the nasty comments about me in your book ,with months of silence from you but not with being lied to (If there are “nasty comments” about you in the book, at least now you know where I stand and what you’d done and ran from when you simply “wrote ME off”. But the being “lied to”… truly, you need to work on that. I don’t recall having “lied” about anything, and if you’re interpreting anything as being “lies” then it’s because you unilaterally decided such things. I had no part of any of that.)

don’t think for a minute that I hate you or that I’m out there to get at you and know as well than when I get in that bathtub you are going to be in my mind , you had been in my mind all these years and nothing I may do or wish will get you out of my mind or heart but it is time we let go ……………. (Yes it is… yes it was… and so it is. And as for thinking that you’re out to get me? You’ve already done that. You got the revenge you’ve believed you’ve deserved all these “27 years”. I can’t help but believe that the only reason you’re so pissed is because I got away before you had the chance to mete your entire vitriolic spew on me. Alas for you. Perhaps there really IS a “Karma” and perhaps, although my “Life” isn’t as “perfect” as maybe you expect it to be, I DO have a “Life” and have returned to it for how-ever long it may last. – When I came back here, I was “welcomed”… “Home”. When I got there, I was “greeted” with “Fine. Come up.” So to you I say: Stick some LYE up that arse of yours… maybe it’ll rot the stick you have up there just in time for you to realise the shit you’ve become, just before it rots the rest of you away.)
wishing you all the best life can grant you and a speedy pain free way out when you wish it
(Odd… but I will have… I know that now. Those 2 months were my lesson and my penance. I DID, once again, FOR someobody else… to my own detriment. But I DID FOR somebody ELSE. No doubt my name has been poisoned down there. But what I did… particularly for Eddy, has been “written”, as it were. What HE did with the help is purely HIS business, not mine. But as for the others? Tell what you will… and I know that you will. Ultimately… it will make NO difference… nor impression on anything. Ciao.)

OK. That’s off my chest. Time to do something silly… there are wild black-berries ready to burst beihnd the barn and I’m in the mood for a snack.

Wed.17.Jul: 13.18 Been up from since about 6.30. Terrible “Heat Warnings” already first thing this morning! Didn’t get a good rest last night. All signs against a trollop today. And yes, indeed… I’ve just come in from gathering some blueberries, only a few mintues and… SWEAT! It’s all but incredible out there! Just miserable. The highest is supposed to be only 30 but I’ll be willing to bet that, in the direct sun (where the berry bushes are) it’s WELL over that now. To think: I didn’t want to be in NYC during the Summer… The one thing that makes this better is that there aren’t people banging and slamming into a person and breathing and sweating and putting all sorts of foul odours and attitudes into the air (although, somebody’s dairy farm round here…). And, as well, I don’t have to walk up and down 6 flights of wooden stairs (as in… the studio) and put up with all sorts of bull-shit from there. So? All is, as I posted to twtr this morning: fair-to-fucked. And so, I return to trying to figure a way to get a friggin CAR! There’s been no word from the “agency” in Queens about the Peninsula Hosp. issue. They’ll take their time on that, I’m sure. Next step: the Fed. A lien that never came through and yet, remains on record. It’s as if they actually work toward destroying people. – Well? Soon they can be pissed off when I’m gone. They’ll have to find somebody else to “target”. Meanwhile, lettem rip! I’ll do what I must and can and as for the rest? Let them and their families rot. – 20.28 Turned into quite the evening… the heat got worse and so too, the humidity. We were ALL just miserably hot all day and all but lethargic. Yet, Lyle cooked (pork chops) and I partook. (And I’m being reminded of it as I type.) And then “it” happened… BANG RUMBLE RUMBLE BANG CRACK SNAP AND THE RAINS CAME! Thunder! Lightning! Wind! Tropical! And we all agreed that it just wasn’t “normal” for these parts. But as quickly as it hit us, it left and as it did, the storm left much MUCH cooler temperatures and that stillness that follows what I can only think of as Mother Nature’s orgasm. So, I grabbed a plastic container from the shelf and went out back… to pick blue-berries. As I picked, I remembered the history of the “Huckleberry Pickers” of the Shongum. And I remembered “my mountains” in Ulster. I remembered the berry-pickers’ cabins and the remains that are still there, in the over-growth, known to only a mere hand-full of people these days… those who took the time and the challenges to walk off the paths and into the wood-lands. And I remembered that 15 March, the train to Beacon, the bus to Newburgh, the next bus to Gardiner and the walk up the mountains… followed by several days in St. Frank’s hospital and that bitch… CM… coming in and talking with the medics… and walking out, leaving me to stand, alone, in the snow, having a cigarette and wondering. Abandoned, again. “Love”. Indeed. But tonight, I was in the yard, picking blue-berries, fresh from the bushes, in the cool breeze. The berries were still wet from the rain, and the silence was magnificent, and I am here, in The North Country, mere moments from HOME… and not one of “them” is any-where near… and it’s Peaceful. – And there is much more music to be put onto the iPod soon. Much more. – The toe is still rather painful, but nothing like it’s been these past days. And again, tonight, the plan is to leave in the early morning and get on the road. – Oh, and I tried for a credit card (fail) and I’ve “applied” for an account with NEFCU (and I’ll hear from them tomorrow, no doubt). – And this evening, Lyle and I watched a movie… in the air-conditioned living-room. And all was peaceful. – This afternoon as I walked out to the yard, Lyle and Randy were having a chat. Randy’s thinking of going back down to BTV. That would be a shame, for all of us. And I over-heard Lyle, not knowing I was there, tell him the same thing and that how he (Lyle) and Bob are so happy that he (Randy) and I are here. That put me quite a bit at ease. – Well, the day is done and the night is here and the little window fan is bringing in some cooler air. I’m no closer to getting a car and, well, at least next month’s rent is in the mail (or, it had BETTER be there!). – I dropped EW from my e-mail accounts. SB will be next. Cleaning out. Cleaning up. – And night comes to… The North Country (hot as it may be, it’s still The North Country). Funny though: For us here, it’s The North Country… 4km away, it becomes “The South”. Perspective… that’s all it is… persepective.

Thu.18.Jul: Interesting sort of hot, humid day. I was up at 6.00 this morning, ready to take the garbage out when Bob left for work. You know me: stay low-profile so that folks what need to be up and about cando what they must, uninterrupted. But at about 6.45 Bob came to the door to ask if I’d like him to take my garbage down. That was very kind of him but I told him I’d been waiting for him to be off to work (staying out of his way) and I’d bring it down. And so I did. – As I stood out-side, having a morning smoke, the sun came up over yon hill and with it came the HEAT. And a cloud… one HUGE cloud that covered the sun but didn’t filtre the heat. So… I decided that, since the forecast was for deluge again today, there’d be no trotting off to Richford. (This evening, at supper, we all talked about how, on the road between here and there, there isn’t a single place to take cover in case of rain. Open fields and pastures and farms… open, open, open. And Lyle pointed-out that one has to walk half the distance off road to find a tree and even that’s not much good in a down-pour. Interesting, how, over the years, so much wood-land has been cleared to make way for farming… and how many farms have gone under. Lyle and I have discussed that as well and agree that it’s really sad. This country is a suck-arse bunch of damned idiots: importing food that was and still could be grown right here but the policy is “fuck the folks at home, we have to save the bastards abroad who, quite honestly, think us a bunch of shits to begin with. Well, as I say these years: the older I get, the closer to checking-out… let the rest be concerned when they find themselves with nothing.) Moving along… – I spent the day in the house for the most part. (I had more sun and fresh air in Winter! And better palour too, for that matter.) Did more work on the “music” collection. When I finally DO GTFO I’ll have travel and all sorts of other music to listen to and be diverted with/by. Looking forward to getting that taken care of. Also getting terribly pissed at just how much music iTunes has taken each time I’d thought I was adding. And as I add, one-by-one, I keep thinking of more and more that I used to have. (It really is very difficult to just drop the past, move on, get on with Life and not be insanely bitter and resentful thinking of things like all the CDs and the wonderful collection not only of music, but books and art that were simply snatched and snapped out of my Life… and by some bits of shit who were “siblings”. What’s more difficult is dodging a bout of Schandefreude… although, for the most part, I don’t bother dodging it any longer. “Karma”, or what is known as such, is taking care of those things that I am unable to handle, and I’m thankful for that.) So, rather than having the music I would so enjoy, the books I’ve so enjoyed, the little things that have brought me pleasure… I have made due with what I have left. In all honesty? What I “have” will mean nothing anyway. Ultimately, we are forced to let go of and leave behind… everything. Oh well… trees die, buildings crumble, the weather changes and passes, mountains erode, folks die… it all goes away… eventually. Nothing at all is truly “Eternal”… not even the notion of God, when one thinks about it. – This evening came RAINS!!! Randy and I had only just stepped over to the market when, as we get to the door to come back to the house… DELUGE!!! Thunder, lightning. Impressive and beautiful and yes… cooling and refreshing… for moments. But a brief reprive. – Dinner round the table, the 4 of us. Rice and pork with squash. I keep my portions meagre but noursihing, simply as is my own comfort. – Bob is helping me find work at his place. Several positions are open, none of which Ihave must interest in but he’s even offered to bring me to and from! And Lyle assured me: use us as references. My “Life” has taken such a drastic turn since coming here. It’s actually perplexing… and so very educational when I think in terms of the “me” that has grown and evolved. All that “Trust” that means so much to me, that “Trust” that I tresure and value more than anything else in Creation, the “Trust” I hope others have in me… and all the while, I can’t find it IN ME, to give it to others. I always remember Oma saying to me, sternly “You don’t trust anyone. How can you expect others to trust you when you trust no-one else?” Oh, the things she never knew… probably for the best. Yet here and now, there are SO SO MANY who seem to “see” something deeper in me and it’s not shit any more. Nancy, the folks in Richford, the folks here in Franklin. There’s “Kindness” these days. It gives me comfort… yet, it causes me anxieties because I don’t know just what to do with or about it. I’m a train wreck. – At table, Bob mentioned having difficulties meeting the phone bill. I told him I have a cheque in the PO and that’s why I’ve been hoping for better travel weather (and the healing of this damned toe that’s begun throbbing of late and keeping me from wearing shoes… and all that walking in flip-flops just isn’t going to make it) and his reply was: If you need a ride to someplace, just let us know… we’ll be more than happy to give you a lift… just say. Again… the Human support. Well, we’ll just have to hunker for a bit and see what comes along. I’ll have 2 months’ rent in that cheque and the money will be a HUGE help to L&B. I MUST get me on the road! SOON!!! – This evening’s excitement was… flea powdering the pets. They’re amazingly infested (thankfully, WE are not). And at one point I thought: well, me, the Ultra-clean, in a house full of fleas and fur, and I take it all in stride. It is as it is and it’s really quite home. I imagined some of the other people I’ve come to know: SB, EW, etc… in this place, and how they’d be completely insane by now with all of it. But… it’s the way of the territory… and when weighed against all else? It’s a delight. – And so, tonight, covered with the flea powder, I showered before retiring. There’s much shit of twtr tonight about current events and the racial tensions in this cesspool nation. Honestly? I’m just fed up with it all. A president who has a blatant agenda to take this country down, destroying people at his own will and whim. Businesses are gone. People are starving and homeless and jobless. The rich are insulated, clueless and apathetic. I think of my own, personal experiences… experiences, not simply conjecture nor personal opinions… and how, those “social services” that were set to be of help to ALL in need have, over the years, been manned and ruled by those who are mis-categorised as “minorities” (when, in fact, in thier specific regions, they are the “majority”) and how those “services” that were supposed to “help” “all” are now specifically and intentionally targeted to nepotistic bits of shit. I’ve seen the “Department of Homeless Services” and I was told, to my face, in the middle of the night, alone, abandoned by the World “You have no right to the Shelter. You’re a Jew. You have money.” and being told so by an illiterate African with a staunch accent who couldn’t comprehend a simple addresse (128 beach / 116th St: filling forms in the wrong spaces and then remprimanding ME for his incompetence. But I was to remain silent. THIS is the way of the nation… this is the way the World is going. I’ve no use for it and no desire to “do” anything about it. I think in terms of NYC alone. The pockets, areas, neighbourhoods that were once beautiful, comfortable, safe, shrinking down to areas of mere blocks, surrounded by violence and crime, like the ghettos of War-time Europe. People afraid to leave their homes, their flats. And me… coming to The North Country… which is becoming it’s own “ghetto” now. And even that is being surrounded, by the very same shit, only ona much larger scale. And if I say so, I’m attacked, called “racist”… a word that simply stabs into my gut because of the sheer and utter stupidity that created it and the stupidity of those who use it. Oh, I don’t know why I even bother to ponder all of this… bull-shit.) – Long parantheicals in this entry. Purging again. – Moving on and moving along… – DELIGHT OF DELIGHTS! E-MAIL FROM NANC! (Lettres from Home sort of thing.) I think of a lyric to a song: “Yoo-oo-oou left me… just when I needed you most.” but for this instant I think “Uoo-oo–oou wrote me… just when I needed it most.” Timing. But she apologises for not being in touch more often. No apologies needed. I DO understand and even more, I DO appreciate the fact that she takes even a moment to send an e-mail, post a comment on twtr. I DO appreciate that. After all… let’s just look at the 2 months in NYC and the time preceeding that… with all the bull-shit from SB and EW: I want to see you taken care of, stable, happy. Fuck the fuck off! Yet, Nancy takes the time even to send a few lines, a few words, a few characters. THAT’S COMFORTING! THAT’S all it takes. And SHE takes the time. It does more than anyone could ever imagine, and so much so that even I can’t put it into words… not even here or now. So imagine THAT: ME… speechless, at a loss for words.. Imagine THAT! – And so… the night went on and to round it all up and off and out? HACKED!!! THE COMPUTER HAS BEEN HACKED!!! I’d installed some new soft-ware today, to back-up some files and info from the Internet and it appears it opened the computer to somebody who, as there are people in Creation who are simply core-deep evil, just want to make every day existence a pain. It doesn’t seem to have done much damage… simply termporarily blocking access to information like my account with amazon (my book sales reports… which have dwindled drastically as I expected they would, considering the attention deficit of the general public and, of course, my public commentaries in the “social media” oh well and alas and fukkemall anyway). So, instead of being in bed, reading a most fascinating book (from Dear Nanc!) on the development of language and drifting peacefully off to sleep at a reasonable hour, I was at the computer, digging into the information on the “drive” and removing all traces of it and checking files. The “evening” moved into the night and the night, into the following day. It was about 1.00 in the morning when, at last, I got onto the bed, opened the book, read only 3 pages and…

Fri:19.Jul: 7.59 HEAT ADVISORY!!! BY NOON… 35 DEGREES!!! And this morning I woke at 6.00 with what originally felt like a migraine. It’s only 24deg now. But… 35? This, boys and girls, is insanity. It also just completely screwed me out of a trip to Richford today. So the week has gone by and… I just hope the forecast is correct. Monday’s “high” is supposed to be 24. THAT would be fine travel weather. And I will hope.- 9.17 and how this morning is rushing by! Just got caught-up with yesterday as the sun rises higher in the sky and the temperatures rise with it. There’s OH! so much I’d like to be able to accomplish with this day, but the threat of all the heat and humidity actually forces me to acknowledge and acccept my own physical limitations. I am held captive by… Nature. Or maybe it’s just Nature’s way of forcing me to take the time to take it easier… to allow this tow to properly heal before I venture out and make it worse. I can walk at this juncture… but certainly not any great distance. If I had my own way, I’d get out there on the road in spite of it all… and, in all liklihood, make conditions worse and be incapacitated over a longer term. So? Bloodyfuckitall. It’s not as if I have “nothing” to do other-wise. It’s not as if I’ll crawl back onto the bed and lounge. So? – There IS a wind blowing up the road… coming in from the South. HEAT! HUMIDITY! and my sinuses are draining into my chest (post-nasal) and congestion rises. And to think: I came NORTH to escape this shit. It’s a mad, mad world, and I’m on to what-ever to “do” something with this time we call… “the day”. – It turned into quite the day-into-night! A relatively quiet day of computer stuff followed by a bit of TV-watching. We all settled-down to a few drinks (quite an indulgence on a Friday night). The others had a few beers and i joined with a vodka-tonic. Bob, Randy and I stood out on the front porch in the night rain. The heat was GONE AT LAST and the evening turned quite chilly. A most welcome change after the seering heat of the day. Lyle joined us as well and we stood, for quite the while, talking about everything from politics (AIDS, and the recent fiasco of the Fed to mandate testing for everybody) to potentially “putting Franklin on the map” by figuring ways of getting Gay men to buy all the houses that are for sale (and there are many) and tilting the poplulation along Main Street toward a Gay majority. Well, of course we had quite a few laughs thinking about such a thing… particularly here, in this State. – Randy got a bit “under the bottle” as the night progressed and, to my amazement (though not very much to my amusement) became quite “forward” with me. (I’ve never enjoyed such things and I still become quite tense when approached with too much forwardness. I can’t help but think: over all the years that I can recall, even when I was particularly interested in some-one and would have appreciated a simple gesture of, let us call it “attention”, if the person-of-interest came on a bit too strong I lost ALL interest and rathe resentful, proctective. Funny… that never changed. No, I don’t have “that interest” where Randy is concerned. He’s a really wonderful person, but, aside from the fact that I truly have no interest in “being with” any-one these days in any manner or fashion… well… No.) So, as the night progressed into the hours of the next morning, and we all became quite tired (from the long day, the heat of the day, the relaxation of the cool air and, yes, the drinks), our little gathering began to separate. I went up to the room to turn-in, read a bit more (I’m fascinated by and with this book from Nancy… on the development of language), Randy made his way up to his room, Bob and Lyle retired to the living-room and the “day” drew to a close… a quite happy and relaxed close. As Bob commented as we stood out front in the silence of this North Country town: it’s a delight to be able to stand out-side on the porch in the night air, precious little traffice (since Franklin is neither on the way to nor from any-where in particular and, EVERYTHING in town is closed and done by 8pm at the very latest), and so much calm and peace and relative silence, have drinks, talk… talk. And all I keep thinking is: this is exactly how I saw my-self closing my own years. I’ve put up with SO MUCH SHIT for MOST (with-out exaggeration at all) of my time breathing. These are the days I’ve looked forward to: The North, the Peace, the quiet. I might not be HOME here, but I’m actually close enough so that when the moment is at hand, I most certainly will be. Yes, these are the days I’d hoped for… and here they are. Peace.

Sat.20.Jul: 21.02 The day went by rather quickly as I think back on it now. And it began at about 7.00 with Bob knocking on the door. We were off and out and into Richford this morning. I got to the PO where, thankfully, the cheque from the studio was in the box (along with “official” letters and such). I popped across the street and put the cheque into the account (stupidly, into the chequing where there’s still a “new account” hold on deposits… had I put it into the savings, the first 100 would have been released immediately, I could have transferred that into the chequing and had it immediately but…) and we were on the road to Enosburgh for a bit. It was SUCH a DELIGHT to be back in Richford. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to visit any-one, but, it was a DELIGHT to be back. I miss the town. Silly me. – We came back to the house to fetch Lyle and poor Randy was still very much asleep through it all. – Into St.Albans where Bob and Lyle went to visit with Lyle’s dad and… I GOT THE CAR FOR AN HOUR! THIS IS ALL JUST ALMOST OVER-WHELMING! TRUST! THEY TRUST ME WITH THEIR NEW CAR! I can’t put into words the gratitude I feel… for the TRUST! It’s all amazing to me. And so, I headed to GdStf for a small purchase and then to the RiteAid for smokes and some things to keep the air in the room fresh. In the same strip mall is a ShermanWms and in the window: “Now Hiring”! I ventured in, spoke with a young lady who told me, with a sincere smile “It’s the best company I’ve ever worked for.” and I got an application. (The “bad” part: Part-time… after-noon/evenings and week-ends. I NEED A BLOODY CAR!!!) I’ll submit the application and figure the rest out if need be. I NEED a job and working there would probably be quite fun. SO… I returned to fetch B&L and we were on errands to the market (where I wish I’d had enough FS to help them out but I don’t at present) and a few other stops. One of the stops was TJMx where, only because I truly DO NEED, I bought 2 pillows (I have SO many pillows in storage… in Queens… and these weren’t expensive but, as I was to learn, the same shit common to pillows these days.) – At one point I noticed: the sole of one of my “good” work-boots has separated! Just flopping off the bottom! They’d dried out being in storage and not being worn for almost 2 years and no, they didn’t split… the sole separated from the bottom of the boot! Almost brand new boots, comfortable, would have been good walking boots… gone. Oh well. Another un-affordable expense I have to face… at the worst possible time. Life… that’s the way it is. – By 13.00 we were back at the house and yes, we napped… me, for about 45 minutes on the new pillows (SOFT pillows…shit!).- When I woke, a bit of just nothing in particular on the computer. The music collection for the most part. It’s turning into quite the project. – At about 18.30, Lyle called up to dinner. Croque Monsieur (they didn’t know that’s what it’s called…they just figured it was grilled sandwiches…). Filling, hit the spot. Lyle prepared two for me with-out asking how many I’d like. (I wonder if they’re noticing that I don’t eat much… and I don’t… just enough to keep going these days.) – And now, as the clock passes the 21.00-mark, all is calm and quiet again and I’m just about ready to get into bed with a good book. It’s been a wonderful day. Relatively good weather. And tonight? WOW! Clear skies and the temperatures are supposed to drop to 14!!! WHAT A RELIEF! The “North Country” returns to “normal”… even for a while. – OH! This evening, one of the chickens from across the road suddenly decided to “venture” and as I sat at the window of my room I watched as it “crossed the road”,almost getting hit by a car, but making it quite well. I had to laugh: I see now, why the chicken crossed the road… to come visit the front yard of the neighbours. TOO FUNNY! Franklin! Go figure.

Sun.21.Jul: 7.16 Here’s one for the record… This morning I woke at 5.57, got right to the morning, coffee, etc. Lap-top on, ready to go and away. Just now I realised that Bob hasn’t left for work. A guy passes out-side and calls to another “You goin’ to work this morning?” and I wonder. So I check the day/date? I’m thinking “Monday”! Because I was in bed at a reasonable hour last night, woke at a reasonable hour this morning (it’s 14deg by the way… allegedly went down to EIGHT last night… YAY!!!) my week is thrown off. Oh well. Good start to the SUNDAY morning. (Dumbass) – (17.7) Tonight I had such miserable cramps! Haven’t had those in a good long while. Probably from eating all the pork. My gut never did digest that shit properly. But you know… food is food and it’s something I suppose I truly need. So… we put up with what-ever comes with it. Isn’t that just “typical” of my existence? HOW-ever… all said? I will not complain. Yes, “Life” here has been dificult and yes, there have been periods of time where it was almost unbearable and close to intolerable. But, in the over-all? Pork is nothing in comparrison AND truly over ALL? Being here is better than being most any-where else. SO CLOSE TO HOME! So if I have to have some cramps in order to be here, so be it. I won’t bitch. – As for the rest of the day? Nothing much of note accomplished. It’s like that sometimes. I just tend to worry when I lose track of the days of the week. Not a good thing. Still, another day has passed. All is well.

Mon.22.Jul: 9.03 Woke at 6.20 from HORRIBLE dream!
The dream took place in darkness, very much “night” with some sort of artificial lighting. Out-side. Rain/drizzle all the while. The “job” was performing some sort of work on the El, some-where that incorporated the Queensboro Plaza and elevated express tracks of the Flushing line but even higher. I was suspended, HOLDING onto a chain. It was the way I was supposed to be transported from one “site” along the tracks to another. I was in an area that resembled 61st/Woodside, in the rain. I watched others working on the highest elevated tracks. A train had semi-de-railed and many men and women were working on the tracks up there. I could see that conditions were quite slippery and I was in a constant state of anxiety, not wanting to be assigned to that spot, uncomfortable in the heights, not trusting the chain and thinking about how tired my arms and hands were becoming, holding to the chain from which I was suspended. Suddenly, the chain went taught and I was swung up and round. I was being “assigned” to work in the higher tracks. As I swung up, I thought that I’d been holding that chain so long that I was about to lose my grip. I knew that, if I let go, I’d fall and be dashed on the steel structures below. I went very calm about the posssibility and pondered how long it might take to actually kill me. I didn’t panic. As a matter of simple fact, I rather welcomed the possibility. I woke from the dream, in absolute PAIN! CRAMPS! Off to the loo… quickly!
As it turned-out, I had to make 3 “emergency” trips to the loo this morning. So, there was no planning on anything out-of-doors today. So I worked on the CV blog, cleaning-up the links to sites and such. Randy and Lyle slept-in (as usual… they don’t wake much before noon as a rule). – 21.12 Wasted day but I went down the back and played in the brook today after clearing all the ripe blueberries off the 12 bushes. Also, wore sneakers and managed quite well (tho tonight, the toe nail was BLACK. Hmmm…..) – I found a missed call from Nanc from yesterday. This phone shit is bugging me. I don’t hear the ring and the phone doesn’t give visible indication of missed calls. Mobile phones are basic shit. But it’s better than having no phone at all. (I settle.) – Did a Fcebook page (SHIT! I fucking HATE that but needed it for work – BTV Free Press is hiring web). Seems everything is turning to “Social Media” these days and that shit just pries into personal life. Even when we’re not paying any attention, the web searches and digs into personal business. This shit really needs to be controlled! Not the Internet as a whole, but this shit where-by personal information is made available to the general public is just invasive! Ah… but I give them a run. Pry too deeply into my personal business and you’ll find things that will shock! I do it now, intentioanally. I’m waiting for the moment when somebody says “We’ve found very questionable habits…” and I’ll bust a cog! Fuckers! But people who “know” me will know that I do it intentionally: give somebody enough rope, they’ll hang themselves for sure. And I’ll laugh as they swing. – Tonight, I had THREE burgers! Don’t know why, exactly. I was hungry enough to put my “ethics” aside. Then did a little “shopping” at the market, for snacks and such. No more FS until August… and I need to re-cert for them! I wonder how THAT will turn out. I expect them to be pulled. I need them, more now than before, so they’ll be ripped from me. That’s the way life is baby… that’s the way it is… sho’nuff’s how it is. – Then, a bit of TV-watching with the fellows tonight. – OH! SHOWERED!!! HOW WONDERFUL IT FEELS! – Rain tomorrow… FML. And I’m tired. Soon to reading and to sleep.Tomorrow: laundry in the rain. If it’s not going to be a good day for being out-of-doors… and the laundry really does need to be done.

Tue.23.Jul: 5.48 MIGRAINE!!!!! WOW! PAINFUL! – The lap-top is bloody-well driving me insane as well. I have to be happy just having one at this point. But it just pisses me off. This is the second Toshiba I’ve had, same model, same shit. Oh well. Once again… “settle” for what you have and shut up. – So I took 3 aspirins with strong morning coffee and hopefully the migraine will pass soon. – 10.25 Headache gone, I’ve been lying in bed all morning. It didn’t get any better until after 9.00! Sinuses are a bit stuffed. Blame it on the rain. – Just learnt: NEFCU took the opening deposit yesterday! Took them long enough! Shit! I’d gotten to where I wasn’t planning on it. Oh well… at lease I’m in a Credit Union now. Now to figure between the 2 banques. I don’t need 2 saivings accounts but the savings is longer with TD and a bit of history is better than “new accounts” all over the place. It really doesn’t matter though. No matter what I do, I doubt I’ll ever get the loan I need for a car. And right now, the car would be such a wonderful thing: with a car, I could get MUCH work which would pay the car loan and make things so much better all round. FML. And that’s an “actual”. – NEED to figure HOW the fuck to get to NYC to get cold weather clothing!!!! The temperatures will be dropping during the day soon and here I go again… no cold-weather clothing. Not the best situation to be in. But I can’t really afford to rent a car, even for a day. And I don’t know where I’d put too much if I brought it up here right now. There’s no storage close by. Stupid, really. I don’t have all that much. My entire “Life” is in small boxes. This is what I’ve existed 58 years for: Shit in boxes… my “Life”. Worthless really. – 22.13 Stopped at the localPO today to get tape for Nancy’s parcel and the OIC there told me that there’s an opening for a PSE!!! I APPLIED! Getting that job would be the entire WORLD for me right now (so I’m not even going to be the slightest hopeful). But, since it would be easier, make life better, make things better, I’m not even going to entertain the notion that it might be remotely possible. SOMEthing will keep me from getting this job… simply because it means so much to me. – And… So… NEFCU. The PO. OK for this day. – This evening Bob and I put air into the tyres on the bikes. WHEELS! And we re-inflated the wheel on the wheel-barrow. The 2 of us in the barn, just doing simple shit. It was a delight. And I’m looking forward to trying the bike to see how well I’ll do on it, how far I can actually manage to peddal at this point in my “age”. – The rent for August is paid as of today. Bob and Lyle needed the cash. I’m very happy that I could help in this way. There’s one more month in the banque… and nothing more. Ah… it’s drawn down to this. I don’t mind saying: How odd it is that it seems others can post to Social Media begging for contributions to their personal shit and it seems they get it. I’ve tried… It failed. Even a dollar from each “follower” would be a tremendous help to me right about now… especially toward a down-payment on a car… or even the whole cost of a car. But… not my place in Creation. Never… – I thought, just last night, that the “opportunity” in NYC is now dead, considering EW’s attitude and hissy-fit. Oh well… Vermont is my “Home” anyway. Fukkemall there on NYC. That fiasco must be put into its little persepctive and into a “compartment” and left alone. Not “forgotten”… no… what a screwing I took, right from the beginning, only to have it turn-out to the accusations of lying (NYC and Jericho… I wouldn’t bring them up to the level of dick-wads… how they don’t “know” me and never took the time to even try). Fine. VT it is then. The rest can go to shit for all I care. Thankfully Nancy was there. I’m still not sure how, but she seems to understand that I’m not the fuckall fuckup that others believe me to be. I’m so thankful for having her in my Life. Really. Truly. Honestly. – Tonight I reek of “dog”. The dogs are beginning to stink again and the stench is back into the furniture. Tomorrow morning… laundry! The stink is enough to gag! – And it’s late and I want to do the laundry and take to the road on a bike.. weather permitting. So… – …The night comes, The silence of Franklin comes. Peace. Home tonight. HOME soon. But being here is rather delightful. Stepping out on the front stoop to watch… nothing pass by. The night sky. The general silence and peace. It just feels “healing” in its way. Peace. And HOME is only a briefest stroll away. Delightful.

Wed.24.Jul: 6.36 awake. Sunshine. CHILLY MORNING! Thinking of HOME. – Cloudy all day so I backed-up files tumble files. Can’t even trust that shit anymore. So many files/posts have been deleted…not by me but by servers and censors. Life. Control. I need to larn how to adopt that attitude. – 10z most of the day. I was just in that particular mood for some reason. No results. Even barn w/pop. Anxieties? Probably. WTF that’s the way it is. – This evening I biked on a mountian bike up to the Richard Rd! Ah… but my legs need re-conditioning for that! Biking and walking are NOT the same thing and by the time I returned to the house, my legs were SORE! I’m looking forward to the day when I can just pop onto the bike and head off for some visit-time and maybe a little shopping back HOME. Shame: Franklin is so far from the nearest town/village back HOME. Frelighsburg is nice enough, but SO much smaller than Sutton and NOT enough little shopping. Oh well. It’s what we have to adjust to. At least I’m still with-in a walk to HOME. That’s SO important to me. – Bob and Lyle went out to dinner this eve. I suppose it has something to do with the rent I paid and the litle pay rise Bob got down at the job. Left to our own devices, Randy and I went to the market and had sandwiches for dinner. FIlling. But it meant MONEY SPENT! Every bit counts these days. – This evening? Another voice mail from NANCY! (I missed the call… I was out of the house. No connection.) But, no matter how, it does my heart so much good just to hear her voice. She is “Friend”. She is “Family”. She, Scott, Miss Hope. Ths evening, Lyle spoke of his connections to/with his family. He is, of late, working on re-connecting with them. He’s actually happy about it. As I listened to him my insides went sour. I have no use for any of those people with whom I’m connected via blood-line. I just can’t even imagine ever entertaining re-connecting with them in any fashion or manner. But, I do think of Nancy as “Family”. And keeping in touch with her is my little Joy in life. – And so, the day passes and becomes another “yesterday”. I crawl into bed, in the chill that falls over us when the sun sets, I open the book (from Nancy) and read… until my eyes won’t co-operate and I can sleep.

Thu.25.Jul: (These are the things that can make me insane. I’ve kept-up with this Journal on a fairyly regular basis on a separate document. But some-how, as I’ve done in the past as well, I have no entries for this date. Such a shame… not even thoughts or comments on the date. An entire day… lost. I am getting older… and a little stupid and a little lazy.)

Fri.26Jul: 23.07 Just noticed that the entries are off. I’ll have to go back and figure this all out. (Saturday morning and I’ve gotten that little mess taken care of.) But not right now. I don’t know how or why, but for now I just want get to today. It’s been quite the day. Starting at 6am… well, before that. I woke before my alarms sounded this morning. Rode with Bob to St.A. Maplefileds where he got picked-up for work. Randy was supposed to come along but I’m rather glad he didn’t. I drove Bob’s car Home, to Richford, to go to the PO and I have to say that it’s rather strange, but it actually felt WONDERFUL to be back “Home” this morning. The PO opened LATE! Supposed to open at 8 but Tyler didn’t open the doors until almost 8.35! Then, when I commented, he gave quite the cold shoulder. Well? I don’t really much give a shit. He and them at the PO aren’t part of my Life there anyway. Not to mention, they’re more part of SB’s “residence” and he managed to fuck that up quite well. So, if they’re so stupid as to blundle me with him? So be it. While I waited for the PO to open, I stopped at Wetherbys… 20$ in gas into the car and a bottle of vodka… a 750ml, on sale today. Imagine? 8.15 in the morning, Richford, buying vodka. Not, of course, for breakfast, but still. Yup, back at Home. – As I waited for the PO to open, I stood out-side on the sidewalk and wondered: Does SB have ANY connection to this town any more? Has he dumped it completely from his existence? Not that I should care at all. This is MY “Home”… not his. It always will be, from now on. – The mail? The notice from TD about the application for a loan. Experian: No credit Hx! NONE! Not good, not bad. None. I’ve disappeared… rather AT LAST! Hell! At least it’s not “bad”. As Jack said at the Ford dealer: “You’re off the radar.” So? OK then. I like that. – Stopped at Mayhew’s for a coffee (1,50$… I actually broke one of my 5s). Jill was there but not chatty this morning. Still… it was “Home”. – When I left the store, I drove by the house at Nr.19. I think they’re starting to re-paint. One out-side wall is smeared with white paint or something. But as for the rest? In the back there’s a hammock on a metal frame and something that looks like a raised rabbit house or maybe it’s some kind of “house” for Hilary’s cat? What-ever it all is, the place is becoming quite the dump. Poor Richford. I took care to keep that house nice. Oh well. Maybe one of these days things will change for the better there. (One of these days, I’ll get back there!) – Then back to Franklin by 9. to fetch Randy to go back into St.A. for shopping at Price Chopper for the house. Drove me rather crazy. He’s slow, indecisive. But I now have a PriceChopper discount card! Little by little I come back to here. I have little bits of shit that connect me more to here than any-where else. “I’m gonna make this place your home” says Philip Phillips. (To think, I used to think of SB when I heard that song… how I thought I could help him adjust and settle-in. I’m not certain, but one of us is a fucknut.) – Before going to the market, I got to NEFCU where the woman there was quite the snotty bitch. But imagine… they put the money into the account and all is well and fine (I’d told “Joy” that I was on the brink of giving her 30 minutes to find the deposit, return it to TD and I was going to notify the banquing authority. Hmmm…. What a fucking shame to have to go to that length just to get people inspired to do their job. But… apparently, it worked.) Still, at the NEFCU, I actually had to ask for the account number! WTF? They’re flakey as all hell. I’m not too sure about this institution, so I’m thankful for TD and will keep my relationship (useless as it may be) with them. – OK, so… Marketing done and back to Franklin. We arrived late. Lyle had to be back in St.A. by 14.00 and it was after 13.00 when we arrived. Lyle was on the front stoop waiting. He was a bit anxious and so was I… I suppose the rest of the day started to begin at this point… – Back to St.A. They went into ATT, I went across the road to Aubuchons for glue… the work boots are separating from being dried out from not being worn. See? Truth is: boots not worn over time will become ruined. Anyway, it was a delight to be in an Aubuchons! I browsed. “North Country” hard-ware store. – When I crossed back, Lyle and Randy were already in the car. They DROVE across the parking lot to Hannafords (how “rural”). I had only 13$ FS so I bought 2 jars of coffee and went strolling, to look for a small lampe for the desk in the room and perhaps a mouse for the computer. I bought nothing. I found nothing. Better though. I don’t have the money to piss away right now and I can manage. – I joined the other 2 at the cashe and we drove across the road to Price Choppers. But this time my sugar had dropped terribly and I was in no mood and it was impossible to remain civil. I had to break-down and get donuts for the sugar. But it turned rather sour when I couldn’t get an open registre and when I finally did, the damned scanner wouldn’t work properly and the guy there told me to “wait a second”. I lost it, tossed the donuts and walked out to the parking lot for a smoke. Rang Nancy, my sanity. ANd simply leaving her a voice message calmed the world. (Ah… Nanc!) – When the 2 came out of the market, Lyle understood my bad mood and he too had trouble with the scanner and he too has no patience with such shit.
Then, into the car and to Maplefields to wait for Bob. And as we waited, I got a soda. I was feeling better after donuts and soda. But Lyle was commenting on all the men he finds attractive (none of whom were to my liking) and I had to wonder: Gays have been fighting to get the recognition of their marriages, they jump at the chance to get married, yet, they never stop the “looking”. Psychologically, they’re stereo-types of what has been documented over so many years and so few actually do anything to change the pre-conceived notions of those who have written all the documentation… negative as it is. Rather disappointing… not to mention, annoying. But, that’s them and it strengthens my resolve: I have no desire to engage in a “relationship”. I am… Content as I am. – Bob arrived, and we returned to the house… loaded with groceries. – At the house, I helped Bob move the fridge into the front room. Followed by a bit of chicken for dinner tonight. Again, I didn’t eat much. I need to stop that and eat more. But I simply can’t. Just can’t.- After dinner, we sat out back for a while talking. Much insight form Lyle. Poor fellow. The solitude really got to him for a bit and he’s enjoying the company in the house these days. My heart goes out to him. I know that feeling. Me, I got over it. It’s all part of the bitterness that is my survival. Others? Not so fortunate. They remain sensitive. Sad. They get hurt. I can’t be so bothered by that any more. (I always wanted to be the Denis I thought “my” Denis was. I’ve become that person. He never was that person. Life. It really is just a great big bowl of fettid shit.) – Then, a movie. Priscila Queen of the Desert. Flip flop dress. And an enjoyable movie.I’d never seen it all before. Always too stereotypical for me… drag queens. But the story was wonderful. – Too bad Randy got drunk again tonight and became forward to the point where I actually commented, cryptically and calmly. It got a laugh from Lyle and a chuckle from Bob and got lost on Randy. (As Bob told: Randy posts to SocialMedia about being lonely. He’s latched onto me somehow. But it’s annoying and disrespectful. I’m uncomfortable with it. Terribly uncomfortable. But I say nothing about it. To speak on it would lead to no good so…) – Oh, e-mail from the New Fellow from MH. Rather demanding about getting in touch with him “ASAP”. Yes, I’m intrigued. But the demanding, short message has tempered that. I now know where-abouts he is. Close enough. Oh, Lyle suggested I invite him to the house for dinner. We don’t even know who he is. But as was agreed: there are 4 of us in the house. No “danger” there. But I’m certainly not about to bring this to that point… certainly not at this juncture. I don’t know what the guy looks like, don’t know what his intentions are and, more important, don’t know if he’s “married” by any stretch of the term. So… As a matter of fact, with the message “ASAP”, I’m more inclined to simply dropping the matter. Time will tell. – And so, I’ve come up to my room for the night. Tired. Indeed! A light drink (vodka, no tonic… sadly). I need some sleep.
Today was quite warm! Tonight it’s gone back to chilly. “Montréal August” weather. All is not well with the World and weather. It’s getting chilly a bit too early and I have nothing to wear, should the cold come too soon, and little prospect for being able to get anything warm. Oh well. Don’t care. Can’t care right now. – Tomorrow? I shall correct this Journal and post. Perhaps I’ll run off on a bike… HOME. I need a visit and the weather is supposed to be accomodating to a bike ride. We shall see.

Sat.27.Jul: 12.45 already! I’ve been up from since about 7.30! Browsing the e-mails and such. Catching-up on this Journal. Tumbling and the likes. I checked the “Rail Trail”… It goes to Richford along a relatively flat route! BIKING is in the forecast for me! – Bob came up moments ago to ask if I’d like to go with them into St.A. today. Naw. A brief shower and I’ll be off and out of here. The skies are clear. Low humidity. I’m out for that! – (recap.1Aug) It was a sort of “interesting” day, all told. Rather lazy for the most part, but almost ending with a BANG. – John came by for a while, to sit and chat. I kept mostly to the room as usual. he left and returned later for dinner, which was almost “formal”, with presentation and such and admittedly delicious. Unfortunately it was pork roast. I had a small slice but Bob had made mashed potatoes and they were just out of this world delicious so I made a meal of them! No problem there! Filling and satisfying and just really delicious. – Then came the “shit”: The bloody-fucking dogs have been getting on my nerves with the un-necessary barking (and too, on Lyle’s nerves as well… for the same reason). Randy’s Chica is usually the instigator with that god-forsaken YIP and the other 2 seem to respond to her noise, making it almost unbearable! Tonight, for some reason, I just couldn’t take any more and let go with a YELL, and realising that I needed to distance myself, immediately, from it, I put the dishes up, deferred desert and headed out the door… planning on a hike to Morses Line, just because, and maybe even across the border… maybe even for the night. But Bob intercepted and we talked, out front of the house. He understands how I feel about the dogs (probably with the help of Lyle, since he and I are at wits’ end with this). Regretably, I told Bob that I’ve been peeing in bottles in my room so as not to have to open the door, because every time I do so, Chica starts barking which makes the other 2 bark and poor Lyle, with his insomnia, sleeps late and I don’t want to be the cause of his rude awakenings in the morning. Bob said “Hey! You were here first! You shouldn’t have to be made to feel uncomfortable.” I told him that it really isn’t all that inconvenient, and it’s not so bad for me, but I just don’t understand how Randy can be so apathetic about it and not see that it’s causing tension. Bob said he’ll talk with Randy about the matter because it IS time to address it. Well, we got that settled but I still needed to get rid of my own tensions so, instead of “hiking to Canada” I got the bike and took a short trip down the road to take some pictures of the views (which have always amazed me and I’ve wanted to get some shots of it anyway). WOW! Do I ever need to re-condition me for bike-riding! But, little by little I’m sure to do so. – This evening, the 4 of us sat out back for a while. It was a most delightful evening, but I noticed that Randy is being rather distance with me. Hey! Y’know? I can’t even give a shit at this juncture. If that’s his choice, then so be it. Take a little responsibility for your animal and have a bit of consideration, concern and respect for the others in the house. I’m putting myself out as much as possible. Bugger your-self, as far as I’m concerned. – But… as the night progressed, all came to settle in peace and all returned to the peace that is this little town, tucked away in The North Country… where I’m still very much Happy to be.

Sun.28.Jul: Well, it’s already 24h05 (or 0.05 on Monday, 29 Jul) and I’ve been up and awake from since about 8 this morning (since there was no particular reason to jump up, out of bed and head out into the cloudy world… which didn’t actually become a rainy world until about 18.00 this evening and so I pretty much wasted the entire day – or not, depending on one’s opinion of it). And so, I got right directly to “work” on the listings and the music for the iPod. I want that finished… SOON! The entire library of music has to be completely wiped-out and re-installed. It’s become rather like my life in general: disarray. Or, what-ever. Anyway, I also applied for a gas credit card… and made a mistake on my NAME! Didn’t notice until the message was returned that it will take 2 weeks for a decision that should have taken 1 minute. The key-board on this piece of shit lap-top. One lettre in the name! Fucked. Oh well. If it had gone smoothly I should have wondered. – Dinner tonight: an orange and a bannana, ba na na na. Lyle had decided to go to the market for subs and I’m short on cash for spending. FS come in on the 1st (I hope) and so, I dodged his opportunity to pay. No prob though. I’m not starving or anything like that. And as soon as weather permits, I’ll take the bike up to Sutton for a bit of food shopping (for me and them… must get the poutine gravy and such for Lyle. He likes St. Hubert!) I sat with all at table though. Mr. Social. – Bob spoke with Randy about the dogs barking (particularly Chica) and, I believe, Randy’s being quite forward when drunk. So… Randy is now being ever so evasive and quiet round me. Well, see? I speak on things and I get it all right up the arse. Will I ever learn to just keep my mouth shut? It’s not as if I went out of my way to speak, nor is it that I even approached the matter. I did everything to avoid… as I’m wont to do. Honestly? I’m tired of becoming the evil fuck simply because I speak when things get to me. I’m just fed right the fuck up with it. Other people can be free to speak when they’re a bit upset. Me? No. Not even “not so much”. Simply… NO! It turns against me. Seriously? Just fuck me and have done with it. Well, so now I get to have a nice cloud of tension hanigng about me. Good thing I stayed in the room all day… ALL day, save the moments of going with Lyle to market and sitting at table. All said, rent is technically paid through Sept. (since Bob decided to apply the 2 months I’d send from NYC as 1st and last, and I paid August this week past), and I’m ever so close to HOME and weather should be OK come August. So… fuck me whilst ye may. It’s all very much OK. – The rest of the day and night have been insanely quiet for me in general… in “my” room. And oddly enough, I’m not yet tired. But it’s time to get to bed and to book and perhaps to sleep. – And I did 10z today. That was good. Over-due. – Photos from Nancy… of Miss Hope. She’s such an amazement! She’s into bluegrass music! I do so wish I could get to meet her in person. She’s quite up there on my list of “Most Fave Folk”. A delight, as far as I know of her. And I’m quite taken by her personality and such. Just a delight! – That written for the day, time to hit the mattress. Tomorrow? Well, we’ll let the day do as it will. More rain in the forecast. No travel until Tuesday. Alas.

Mon.29.Jul: 23.44 So it turned out that it was an entire day of working with the music files. One of the reasons it’s taking so long is that this computer is a piece of shit. Yes, I could have gotten a better one, but there’s still absolutely no reason why this should be such a true piece of shit or the money. But that’s how the world is these days: fuck everybody as often as possible. So? So… – Finally got the storage bill paid. That was quite the ordeal. The 8$ balance was for the insurance! Peter Tariello, the DM, said he’d cover the month’s “rent”. He didn’t say anything about the insurance. (Bloody prick. And even then, he had to be reminded. People are shit.) But a call to Tarianna and the situation was explained (after I’d posted to twtr… and then posted about how helpful Tarianna is… Honestly? She’s a gem.) and I pad the 8-blood-bucks along with the rent for August. Leaves me with precious little cash left (so now I can return to my “normal” state of general anxieties. “Normalcy”.) – Got rather corerced into dining with all this evening. I suppose I really shouldn’t view it that way. But, there’s just something about it. I get the feeling that Bob and Lyle actually enjoy having a table full of people when they eat. But I just can’t get comfy with it. I suppose it’s more a matter of the fact that I’ve become so accustomed to being quite solo for the majority of my life. That, and the fact… well… this is a journal and I may as well say: it’s the old “trust” issue… I rather wait for the moment when the line “We provided food…” etc. Isn’t it rather strange how, now matter how old we get, no matter how much we go through over the course of a life-time, there are those little bits that have been so deeply embedded into our psyche that we just can’t shake them? “Trust”. Yes, I have it. I “trust” that shit will come flying right into my face… sooner or later… but it will come. So, tonight’s dinner was an other-wise delightful meal of left-overs from Saturday (pork) over rice. It actually was quite good and Lyle is quite the chef when it comes to such things (in spite of the effects of the pork). And yes, food is something that I truly should be taking more of (as usual). So, enough of the whining. – The greatest high-light of the day? TALKED WITH NANCY! It seems it’s been an eternity since the last time we got to chat and it’s always a lifter for me. She’s a Marvel (Marvel Woman?). The best “Family” I’ve ever had, and these days it’s a blessing and a Gift. We talked about all sorts of things: language, poltics, Miss Hope (who never ceases to amaze me… it’s almost as if I’ve known her all my life at this point and she truly is a most remarkable young lady, just steals your heart away.) And Nancy mentioned a TV programme she’d seen recently, about Montréal. I found it, on-line! 43 minutes of watching HOME! And so, once again, my THANKS go to Nanc! Made me quite HOME-sick, looking at the familiar and the new. But it was a pure delight. – Also put me awake much later than I’d planned on being awake. But SO worth it! – And now, as I type at this late hour, the RAINS have arrived, the temperature is dropping and the chill is setting-in. A reminder that I don’t have cold weather clothing and that getting any is rather slim chance at the moment, at the rate things are going. Still, the rents are paid and too, the phone. There’s “possibility” of good change. – Tomorrow is supposed to be good weather and I’m looking forward to getting out of this house, on the bike, on the “Rail Trail” to, at least, Enosburg. Dollar General. Hopefully I’ll get some sun in and I could certianly use a cheap lampe on this little table over the computer. The Dollar General in Richford had cute lampes (2 of which are currently in a box… in NY… just fuck me, ok.). Hopefully the DG in Enosburg will have at least one. – So… the chill comes into the house and I must get me ‘neath the covers with the book for a while. This day of relative silence draws to a close. Amen.

Tue.30.Jul: Up at 6.30 this morning and back to the music files which are, as I take the duplicates out, NOT what I’ve expected. I’m missing SO MUCH and I don’t know where it went! But, one of these days, the library will be re-built and I can transfer it to the iPod and head out into the …. what-ever. – 11.19 and I’m just waiting for the loo. Must to shower and get me OUT OUT OUT of here! I will NOT sit in this house another day! The morning was clear and cool. There are clouds floating by. The forecast is for partly cloudy but no rain. It had better hold up. Oddly, I have no clothing for this bike ride. Nothing I’d ever wear for it. All of that clothing is still in NY. Ah… in NY. NY. Oh well… – 21.25 ROAD TRIP!!! BIKE TRIP!!!

It was off to Enosburg today! Left the house at about noon, took the bike down N.Sheldon to the Rail Trail...

...and was in no rush at all. WHAT A RIDE! Through the wooded areas, literally through corn fields, just wonder after wonder after wonder. I stopped along the way to take pictures and there were moments when I was actually moved just about to tears. It truly IS quite beautiful up here and a place in which there could be so much joy… JOY… and I have PEACE. As I rode today, I thought: I am in a beautiful place; I have delightful landlords who are, I imagine they’re of the mind, “friends”; I have met delightful acquaintances; and I have one truly Magnificent and Dearly Cherished Friend these days. I’ve come a very long way over many, many years to get here. This is really quite marvelous these days. And to think back at how almost miserable it all began. Then came the “real” North Country and, even in spite of the hard-ships, it’s become so dear to me. Peace. The land-scape is breath-taking and awe-inspiring. The people have been entirely kind, even when they’re just being… people. Yes, it’s been a long trip, and here, today, it’s been quite worth it all. – Well then, I got to the Dollar General and found THE very lampe that I’d hoped for: plain and simple and cheap, and a duplicate of the one in NY that I’d bought for Richford (yet another duplicate, but I don’t much mind… won’t matter in the long run anyway). So, the base was 7$, the shade 5$ and the bulbs 1,25$ for 4. I got a bottle of Gatorade as well for the trip back. (The skies were almost all clear for the trip and the temperatures were just perfect! But I knew I’d need hydration no matter what. Getting smarter in my old age here… about time.) Well, it all came to 6,57$ and I didn’t question, just paid and headed out the door… and then realised when I looked at the receipt: the nice girl scanned the lampe shade, it was on sale for 4$, plus the bulbs and the drink… the base for the lampe? No charge! HEY! You know I thought I could well have been “honest” and gone back to correct it all BUT and HOW-EVER, as I rode off under a blue sky, along the Mississquoi I thought to me: I don’t have the money these days and the lampe isn’t a frivolity, it’s a necessity, and maybe, just MAYBE this little “gift” is Karma’s way of saying “You’re OK, you’ve given to others, so here’s a little lampe… nothing spectacular but something we know you enjoy.” If I’m right, I’m thankful. If I’m wrong… I’m still thankful. Especially as I type this this evening. I can SEE the key-board! AND… before I’d left this morning, I pulled out my books (American Heritage Dictionary, DSM-IV, Taber’s Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary, Brokeback Mountain, Cassel’s French-English Dictionary, PDR Nurse’s Drug Handbook, “A Home At The End Of The World”, Webster’s New World Hebrew Dictionary, Roget’s 21st Century Thesaurus.) This little corner of the world is looking rather “me” and as if I’ve a actually moved in here. All told, this room has settled quite nicely. Yes, I’m “in residence” in Franklin… and still missing Richford. Imagine that. – Meanwhile, back on the “trail”… As I’m heading back toward Franklin, peddaling along the trail and looking at the scenery, being all taken-in by the splendour and beauty, I happen to look across the 105 at the silo of a farm that I’ve passed more times than I can imagine… particularly every morning I worked in St.Albans and TODAY I happened to notice, way up at the top, in very plain letters “Parent Riverside Farm”…. HÉLÉNE!!!!! I’d been caring for her just about every night, knowing about the farm, passing it right by, never sure where it was and THERE IT WAS! And her daughter-in-law was out mowing the lawn, her son was painting the house! Imagine that! So I pulled off the trail and went over to chat. It was WONDERFUL when the daughter-in-law (I think her name’s Pauline, I’ll have to check in the Journal) rode over to meet me, waved and started to talk. To think I “know” people here! Connections. Yup. Richford, Sheldon, Franklin. (It makes me wonder again whether SB has any connections to anything or anybody up here. But then, probably not. He never actually “lived” nor even resided up here.) We talked about the weather, Héléne, the farm, the squash (I told her about planting the seeds in NY and sending the rest to FL… how one squash provided food for me and potentially more people in NY and FL and it came from VT!) and all sorts of things. When I left I just felt so good… I have connections to this area, and it’s a beautiful area to be connected with. And to be connected, in some little, rather remote way to a farm here? For some silly reason, it makes me feel great deeper inside “me”. This is “Life” here (connected, and yet…). – Back on the trail, back through the corn fields, looking out and to the mountains in the distance. It truly was moving. How anybody could see this and not be moved is something I’ll never understand. I was SO tempted to take pictures and send them down to NYC is response to the question “What could you possibly have up there?” and the comment “There’s nothing up there for you!” As I thought today (as I’ve thought before): This is a difficult existence up here, very difficult indeed; but it’s a different “difficult”, a different “battle”, but a much healthier difficult and here, there are people who can and will understand and although they’re not in a position (for the most part) to simply solve everything, here, at least, there are people who help simply by understanding and not being judgemental. That can be THE best help of all… simply not being judgemental. I thought of how LC said: “You’d get along really well in VT. They’re just like you.” and then I thought “These people (the VTers) care for and about this land, this State, what is theirs, and they’re not afraid to hold on to it and fight for it.” She probably didn’t intend for it to be so, but that’s quite a compliment, to be associated with such people. They’re not so much that way in the southern part of the State. Down there, they’re more selfish, remote and removed from “others”. But up this way, in THE North Country, they’re remote and removed until something comes along and then they’re more there to “help and move on”. A delghtful kind of “Living”. I’ve come to this place just as Mum found Al. And it’s good… very good indeed. –

SO! I got to the N. Sheldon Rd., the last stretch of the day’s journey and… AND as I got to a hill where I just couldn’t peddal the bike, I dismounted to walk the bike and as i stepped onto the road I felt something “heavy” on my foot: THE SOLE OF THE BOOT WAS HANGING BY THE CORNER THAT I’D FASTIDIOUSLY GLUED! The WHOLE sole of the boot was now hanging off! The rest of the boots are in great condition, but now the sole is falling off! What kinda shit it THIS? Oh well, no big deal though. At least I was on the bike and didn’t have to worry about walking along the road… bare-foot. Still, I don’t have another pair of boots, and I don’t have the where-with-all to get a new pair now. There’ll be another trip into town… for MORE GLUE! (Things could be seriously much worse… But as I sent to Nanc: Bébé need noo sooz. – Alas.) – By about 16.20 I was back at the house and imagine: Lyle asked where I’d been. “We missed you.” Randy said “I didn’t know you’d left. I saw you come out of the shower and then you were gone.” So, I popped out the door and I come back to smiles and such. Imagine? It’s more a “Welcome” than all else. “Welcome”. – The window fan (the one from Rockaway) was beginning to make that squeeling sound again, just as it had done in the window in Rockaway, so, this evening, I took it apart, gave it a good dousing of WD40 (and thought: How many people travel with a can of WD40 other than me?) and it’s all good again, running quietly. Thank goodness. I rather depend on that little fan for venitialtion in the room. Even with the 3 windows, I keep the door closed and the odour of “dog” out, not to mention that the rest of the house is battling fleas and this room is not. Ah, the fleas. The 3 dogs are constantly battling them, the guys are trying to treat with all sorts of “home rememdies” and nothing is really working. But, such is life in the boonies… no complaints from me, although I sometimes wonder how someone who has always beenso metiulous about the cleanliness of my self and surroundings could come into a situation like this. Oh well… it’s of no particular consequence… It’s “home”.) – Dinner this evening was perfect: chicken patties and tater tots with tossed green salad. Good for body, good for soul, good for NOT grinding away at the insides. AND, as we sat at table eating and talking… LIGHTS OUT! We had a power failure. Frankling went “dark” (although it was still quite day-light). It didn’t last long, but it was rather “telling” when the others were trying to figure out what they’d do with the rest of the evening, having no telephone, television, internet. How silly. Me? I just figured I might get to this journal, go for a stroll… as it was, I’d gone out back to the blueberry bushes. THEY’RE LOADED! Almost EVERY berry suddendly BURST into BLUE as if in a last-ditch effort: the days are warm but the nights are getting chilly and so, the growing season is coming to a quick close and all must cram what living they have into what-ever time is left… BLOOM AND RIPEN QUICKLY! Even Nature knows. But for me? I didn’t much care one way or the other about the absence of technology. No electric and all was well with the world. –Power came back with-in the hour, I helped to clear the dinner table and stack the dish-washer and FINALLY got up-stairs to shower the road dust off me. I was feeling quite refreshed and delighted and at peace… at PEACE. Sat out back with Bob for a while as he smoked his pipe and I had a cigarette. And the sun began to set, the night chill came in and this day came to a most pleasant and calm close. – I came to my room, began this entry and then, put on my jammie-sweats, got under the covers with a good book (thank you Nanc!) and… Shshshsh… Tuesday closed and all was well with the World.

Wed.31.Jul:
6.45 Woke with another head-ache… sleeping on the new pillow. Too soft. Wrong position. – Actually, I woke at 5.29 and went back to sleep. Some-how I just couldn’t get my-self to wake at that hour. It jsut felt uncomfortable. I can’t explain why. – And a though this morning: I’ve always been the one to get up, put the radio on, listen to the news, to music. For some reason, I haven’t done that here. I wonder why. Very strange: me and no music. Hmmm…. and I made that trip to storage to get a radio. Very strange. – Chilly again this morning. But the sun shines directly in through the windows and it’s MARVELOUS! I do so love waking to the morning sun. Day-light coming in through the windows in the morning. This room is quite the delight… It’s “d’light” of “d’morning”. – Well… here’s another day. Let’s see what this one brings. – 21.42 It brought, as usual, me waiting for the other 2 to wake up so that I could Hoover my room (and the hall and Randy’s room and the “Media” room as well) which didn’t happen until about noon. And so, and but, I did get the Hoovering done today and what a delight it is to say so. Not that I’m such a slob, but it does get a bit “in need” after a bit. – Well, that took a while to get done and by the time all was finished, I was wondering what to do with the rest of the day and then, after a bit of research on the Internet… As they say: look it up and DO IT! And so….
HOME HOME HOME HOME – ST ARMAND TODAY!!!!! via Moreses Line!!!
By 14.00 I was out the door, to the barn, on the bike and heading up the road on the bike. According to calculations, the trip to St. Armand should have been the quickest. According to the “Google” map, there should be at least one little dépaneur in town and if so, I would visit it today. Even if not, there would be a visit to the HOME-land and a day in the sun and air. Either way, it would be a good idea to get out and away and on the move. I’ve been looking forward to seeing the border at Morses Line anyway. It’s been in the news as being one of the crossings that both the Canadian and the US governments have been threatening to close because it’s so small and, according to them, un-necessary. It’s out in the middle of absolute “no-where” and I’ve been curious about it. So, a day in the sun, a trip to the un-known and the “un-necessary”. – The travel to the border was a complete delight… through the more remote areas, through the corn-fields of The North Country, realtively flat with gentle slopes that made for a nice ride. And the view of Pinnacle! I always see that mountain and think: just beyong that is my “VT Home”… Richford. It’s a “Landmark”…and a very well-known one at that, since there are so many things named after it: roads, streets, little businesses and and the likes. – As I got to the border, I stopped at the US first. The CDA is closed at 16.00 and I didn’t plan on being back that way any time before then so I asked the nice guy if the US side would be open so I could “get back in” to the US after 16.00. He was polite, said they’re open until mid-night and “You’ll have no trouble getting back.” (How stupid, when one thinks about it: International border… Canada is closed at 16.00. And from 0.00 to 8.00, 8 hours, BOTH countries are “closed”? I was to learn that the little “bar-type gate” is primarily what keeps traffic from passing. But seriously? “Closed”? As I think of it, these small crossings just prove that there ARE trust-worthy and respectful, respectable people in these parts. People very well could simply drive right through the little barricades, but they don’t. Un-like the damned Mexicans who make every effort to defy laws and rules. Just proves, beyond doubt, who the “better” people truly are. On the Mexican border: barbed wire, razor wire, concrete walls, armed quards. On the Canadian border, a tiny bar, painted with red and white stripes. It has nothing to do with education either. It’s a genetic and generational respect for what is “correct”. But I digress…) SO! At les Douanes, the stout little man behind the window takes my passport and, in French, asks me (translation here) “Where are you domiciled?” WHAT? Not “Where do you live?” nor “Where were you born?” nor “What country are you a citizen of?” No… “Where are you domiciled?” What a strange question. He caught me off guard. So I answered in English, (more to be a pain, but…) He then typed what ever it is they type into the computer, looked at the stamp in my passport (thanks to the guys at W.Berkshire/Frelighsburg… j’vous remerci!), asked the usual “How long will you be?” and “What’s the purpose…?” (questions that I’ve always rather resented and find to be quite stupid but that’s the way it is) and, in moments I was on the road, under the trees and ON HOME-LAND AGAIN! and the World was alright, yet again, for a while. – All during this trip I kept thinking of Nancy and how she’d probably enjoy the scenery and such. It would be interesting to drive the route, but being on the bike, in the open, being a “part of it” was really wonderful. I remember how Viv used to say that I should take a visit to this part of Québec. She did say that it was full of “nothing” (and she’s correct) but that it’s beautiful (and again she’s correct). And I’d never made the effort for some reason. To think: now this is the part of the HOME-land that’s becoming most familiar and not the metro-Montréal area. No matter. It’s my connection to HOME and it’s just all so perfect to be able to be back. – I wasn’t paying any attention to the time passing, but I figure it took all of about 45 minutes to get to the centre of the village. Imagine? 45 minutes? In a car it would probably be 10 or so. But still… it wasn’t 2 hours! ZIP! Arrive! – I stopped at Dutch and St. Armand at a service station to ask if there was a dépaneur close by. The folks there-in weren’t at all too “warm and cozy”. Not “rude”. Just pre-occupied and probably not thrilled about yet another idiot drifting through. The station is the first thing one comes to on this trip, it is quite in the middle of nothing and no-where and of course, I wasn’t in need of anything mechanical. Rather much like those scenes in the mid-western towns in the movies… desolate, empty. A guy pointed to the East and mumbled “Right there.” OK. “Right there…” Merci. Bonne journée… sorry to bother and away! –

WELL! YES! It was well worth the trip today! I’m really sorry that I didn’t take any pictures of le Magazin Général nor of the little bridge with the flower-boxes. But yes, indeed, there was the “General Store” and the tiny “Village”, all neat and tidy and such… and HOME! It always brings to mind what SB said on one of our trips to Sutton: “It’s all the same area and land and all but you can tell when you cross the border that you’re in a different place because even the wild and un-touched areas look different, it’s neater, cleaner and it seems like even Nature keeps things in better order.” Yup… that’s my Heart-land. – The Magazin carries a bit of just about everything a person could think of needed in a pinch… including warm jackets, boots, plumbing and electric supplies, a selection of food (INCLUDING BEURRE D’ARACHIDE which I immediately grabbed), smokes (not my Belvedere, but I got Players, which are pretty close and certainly not the US stuff… and at 3$ less than the price in Sutton and 2$ less than the price in Frelighsburg) and because I was quite hungry at the moment… 3 “COFFEE CRISP” bars! I haven’t had those in the longest while! The proprietresse and I got into a chat, as if we’d known each-other for a life-time. We talked about the village and the changes that are going on. The little villages back HOME are re-building and becoming quite successful. It bothers me to think that THEY can do this, meanwhile, just across that imaginary “line”, the border, the VT side is dwindling and decaying. Just goes to show: ambition can make a world of difference. (I also notice that the Google maps are from 2011 and the changes in these villages are remarkable!) We talked about the politics and again, the resentment of being FORCED to speak French. She even pointed-out (and I’m very much aware of it) that she could be shut-down just for having the conversation with me in English. (And her English is impeccable… just as is her French. AND… she appreciated my French… un-like France in Frelighsburg who was quick to point out that “We don’t speak that way here.”) SO! It would seem St. Armand, with the French name, is MUCH the friendlier place… not un-like Sutton. All said, it was WELL worth the trip today and oddly enough, it was very sad when I left. It was another of those moments when my mind insisted that I was where I should be and returning to les états was something unacceptable. But, I don’t have the moeny to spend and I didn’t have the time to simply travel about (today). So, in short order, I was back on the bike and heading back to the land of… But again, I have the “Bienvenue” in another little village back HOME. –

At the corner of Dutch and Morses Line is a little white house with an old barn in back… A LOUER!!! It’s the perfect size and the perfect location for what I’ve always thought of renting. What a bloody-fucking shame I can’t afford it just now. All is “perfect” except the timing! Makes me wanna holler an stomp. But, at least I know it’s possible to find someplace back HOME to live in, close enough to where I could actually live there and work across the border. (One thing that would make it a LITTLE difficult is the border closing at 16.00. But I’m sure I can work around that.) – On-ward to the border and sure enough, the “exit” was closed. But I strolled the bike around the little barricade and went directly to the little brick US house where the “welcome” was a delight! The one fellow there was very pleasant and chatty, again, as if we’d known each-other for years. And, in this conversation I came to understand a bit better how it is for them. There are those people who think them a bit daft and simple and because they’re in small border towns, there are those who’ll try to get away with shit and take advantage of their better personalities. So, it tends to make them a bit on the “stiffer” side. All the while, they’re very pleasant in general. Ah, we talked about the location and how bitter it gets in Winter, and he mentioned “when the electric goes out” and I suddenly saw them all in a much more pleasant light… poor guys. If they’re out there and the electric goes it must be HELL for them… especially if it happens after sun-set! Yes, they have it rather tough at times, yet, they’re very nice and it was a pleasure and he even said “Welcome back.” meaning, “back” to the States. Imagine! – THEN, as I’m walking the bike up a bit of an incline, a guy of about my own age, washing his truck, strikes a conversaton as I’m passing by and AGAIN, we get into talking as if we’ve been neighbours for the longest while! (And again, as I left this conversation I had to think of SB: “You’re up here alone, no car, don’t seem to get around much, but you KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE!” Oh well… seems I’m not the miserable piece of shit that folks in NYC seem to believe me to be so, all’s well with the World… or at least “my” little peice of it. I might not be much for liking this crap-life, but, in general, it’s comforting to know I’m not hated by ALL of it.)
– And so, I arrived at the house at about 17.30, pulled into the back-yard to find the 3 guys standing there, with the dogs. What a picture that would have made… the 3 of them just standing there with their backs to me. And a heart-warming welcome from all. They’re a bit amazed at how I just take off and “go to Canada”. (They should only know.) I barely got the bike into the barn when Bob insisted that we all just get into the car… immediately. He didn’t say why. And we were off, over the Rice Hill Rd. (which is a route I’ve had on my agenda to explore anyway)… and into Sheldon… Devyn’s! “Creemees”! It’s a favourite place of Lyle’s and for some reason, this evening Bob decided to treat us all. And it wasw even more delightful… being right on the Mississquoi (a river that will for-ever hold a very dear place in my heart and soul… because it runs right through Richford). Randy of course brought Chica with us (that dog is becoming quite a pain in the arse to me: spoiled rotten and yipping at everything… although I must admit, no longer every time I leave the room… a relief to us all) and she began yipping at a couple seated at a picnic table a bit away from us. I spoke to them saying “You’ll have to excuse her, she’s Mexican.” and the woman looked up at me and with a smile said “Oh, that explains everything.” Ah hah, indeed! – Back at the house, my dinner was still waiting for me and Bob insisted “Now that you’ve had desert, you HAVE to finish your dinner.” and it was no prob. Stuffed zuchinni. Super delicious! And yes, I appreciate that they kept dinner for me. And it was perfect, considering the travel of the day. – Well, July goes out and August comes in. WHAT A TOTALLY SUPER WONDERFUL DAY THIS WAS! I’m not looking foward to the month coming. August isn’t my favourite month. It never really has been, considering “birthday”, as it were and a life-time of being reminded that it was my “birth” that “ruined” my “father’s” life-time. You know: Happy birthday, you miserable “burden”. Oddly enough, even unconsciously, that lingers, in spite of all the “good” that’s come along (since I distanced myself from that and all those who are associated with it… “family”… BULL-SHIT!) It just won’t seem to go away completely. And every year it returns. And now? August: Oma’s birthday… she’s “gone”. And then, 8 days before my “birth” anniversary, my Mum’s “death” anniversary… she too is now “gone”. This year is 25 years! And that doesn’t seem possible. It still feels like 25 minutes. But July has closed with nothing short of complete delight. (I often think, and have come to believe: Mum used to say that there is no “Hell” because nothing could be worse than living and struggling. And over the years I’ve come to think that the “good” times happen to make us long for them and miss them, making the “bad” times all the worse… and THAT is “Hell”. mine comes anually, with-out fail… in August.) – But this day, as this month, comes to a close and tonight I’m EXHAUSTED! in a rather good way. Today was a wonderful, WONDERFUL day and now I MUST see to it that there are more to come. AND… NOW… knowing that HOME is a mere bike-ride away and St. Armand in closer to here than Sutton was to the house in Richford? As the Proclaimers sang: “I’m on my way” more often. (Oh, on the trip back I listened to the song from “Les Triplettes de Belleville”! J’n’veux pas finir ma vie dans l’ville ici…. ou comme ça… Bonne nuit!