01/01/2012 at 1:06 53 e
2012… St. Albans, Vermont. I’m past due, and still going. But… never mind.

01/01/2012 at 10:35 53 e
9.18 A rather warm -2, on a grey-grey morning here, in St. Albans… Ah, the North. How Wonderful to be here! – This morning’s alarm sounded at about 6.00. I engagrd the “snooze” and went back to sleep, to wake at 8! Put the coffee on, TOOK a SHOWER! Put on the same clothes. It’s back to that for a while. – Coffee. Morning smoke. – E-mails to PJ, Nancy, Tammy and Motek. – It’s rather quiet; Stephen just woke and is impatiently awaiting the waking of his Mum. Lucy is on the sofa beside me. Debbie is back to sleep. Doug is… with Janice. – My heart and mind are with Motek, because he took the time to send a message. It hits me, off gyard, when he does. I’ve never learned to “hate” any with whom I shared my Heart, and when
they remember me kindly, I’m deeply touched. This is a time when I am thankful: A new year comes in, I’m in a nice house, in a Home, I’ve gotten good sleep, showered, am clean and actually cared for and about. I always did as much for others and never expected the reciprocation, but Life has provided. I am… amazed! – My stomach is grumbling. But I’m fine, indeed. – Well… here’s to a “new” year and a peaceful and fulfilled “LIFE” from now and ever forward.
KADIMA

01/01/2012 at 19:23 00 e
From an e-mail to Tammy:
Dear Tammy!
Your words reach deeper than you know, and I have to thank you for the tears of fond and dear memories you’ve given me today. Yes, my Mum was a truly precious woman who always found some thing and some way to give through-out her entire life-time. We were rather “well off”; neither rich nor poor, but very comfortable where materials were concerned. But “father” tended toward the irate, oft irresponsible, certainly not ready for the responsibilities of wife and children, but a great provider for the most part. Still, he made my Mum’s life a miserable Hell and yet, she never waivered from her faith in Humanity and never stopped giving to others and giving for others. She was nothing short of “miraculous” in many ways.
She left at the age of 55… I just passed my 56th birthday. When I think of how much “Life” I have in me at 56, I remember how much MORE Life she had in her and how much she Loved Life, in all its aspects. There are times when it’s brutally painful when I miss her. But her gift was being diagnosed and dying with-in 6 months (lung cancer). Only the last week or so were misery. She Lived with such glory up to the end… just as she’d Lived prior.
She had 4 children, of whom I am the eldest. I don’t communicate with the other 3, happily. Somehow, they grew bitter, selfish, nasty little malcontents. They’ve no appreciation of/for anything their Mum gave to/did for them. But, each time I do anything fir someone and am thanked, I defer the gratitude to my Mum… I am who and what I am to keep her reputation, goodness and history alive. She is gone, but people will know her through me. That is all I can do for her now but I will continue to do it until my turn comes to leave.
Although I’m Jewish and rather Existentialist in many ways and beliefs, I think it would be quite nice if there truly is some way in which we are re-joined with those we Love in Life. I’d like to see my Mum again… someday.
I hope you never have to experience any regrets about differences or distances where people are concerned. I’m no expert, but experience has shown me that, as long as we make our honestly best efforts, regrets are simply a waste of time. Indeed, I do wish I’d spent more time with her, but at the end, she always knew I Loved her and Respected her with every bit of my being. She left with no grudges or regrets. I believe parents just “know” things like that: their kids do their best (or, in the case of my siblings… don’t give a sht) and that’s what matters and, in the long haul, is the important issue. “Life” is not fair… we do the best we can with what we’ve got. That done (the best possible) there is no cause for any regret. We might not always be able to do all that we’d like to do, but if we do the best that we can, nothing else matters.
On another sermon :) I think of you as a Dear “Friend”, a term/title I use very conservatively and am very thankful we’ve “met”. And, Oh My! I’m blessed having met Janice! I’ll never know or understand what I’ve ever done to be so deserving of the kindnesses I’ve been awarded.
OK, you may take a stretch, get up, walk about. My sermon is done. The tears have subsided, the memories will live on, and I will be grateful to you, for your Friendship and for bringing these memories on this, the first day of this new year. May that Joy you gave me be yours as well, because it is, a Great Joy to me to remember my Mum and to tell others of her.
(I will certainly remember you when Robin decides whether or not to work on the Bel Aire web-site!)
Until next epistle…

02/01/2012 at 0:00 43 e
23.22 St.Albans: THIS has been a day like no other day! The good graces, tge good fortune, the general greatness, the care, concern, compassion are, in all honesty and sincerity, over-whelming. My emotions are so entwined, knotted, and spun about that I don’t know what to say, what to blog, what to journal, and even if I did, I don’t know how. I’m so unbelievably happy that I can’t cry. I want to sing (and actually did tonight), I want to dance (and dud that as well). I’m waiting… afraid to go to sleep for fear of waking to find it isn’t real. I’m not accustomed to this Caring. I’m not accustomed to this compassion and concern. THIS is ALL brand new to me… After coffee this morning, Dough brought me to St. George where he’s loaned me a CAR! For the time I’m here, in St. Albans, I have a CAR to use to get to work! Independent! To get to work as early as I want… to stay as late as I want. Over-time! Better income! A chance! AN OPPORTUNITY to CATCH UP! A CHANCE! OPPORTUNITY! As never before… NEVER before! Two months here, only 2 months and I’m being treated like a PERSON, a being of dignity, a being with feelings and emotions. Not simply some convenience (or inconvenience). What can I say? And how can I say it? I’m dumbfounded, I’m amazed, bewildered. -I DROVE up the 89, a French station on the radio, along with Québec drivers! I DROVE at 100km/hr UP NORTH! Alone! Listening to French on the radio! I got off the 89 at St. Albans, found my way to the house. St. Albans, I know my way! St. Albans! North! I’m HERE! And unlike my blood-family, my siblings, there are people who are sensitive, caring, concerned, compassionate. It’s really the only thing I’d ever really wanted in my entire Life… the only thing. I’m Living it! Oh my god! – I brought the car over to the service station where I vacuumed it out… FREE! I cleaned it up…

02/01/2012 at 0:22 34 e
(posted just moments late… but more on the first day of 2012): Came into the house… a house… a Home! Janice cooked. Home-made chicken pot pie! – Andrea came home and offered her room, her bed for the night! She’ll be out and offered her bed-room! – I took some work clothes from the luggage and moved it to the basement. Life settles with Caring people! I am astounded. – And tonight, the winds blow across St. Albans, the remaining clouds rush across a blue-black night sky. The Northern moon gleams over-head. It’s delightfully warm… particularly for January. It’s delightfully warm… in. Human way. And I’m in a whirl-wind of emotions. – 0.12, Ollie is sitting on the floor as I sit on the sofa. “Absolutely Fabulous” on TV. I’m tired, should sleep, but don’t want to for fear of losing any of this miracle. – Care. I’ve waited SO MANY YEARS just to be seen as Human. I’ve come to VT… back to The North… back to LIFE! Not just “existing”… LIVING!

03/01/2012 at 22:51 41 e
2 Jan. Monday: (on Tuesday, 3 Jan. 22.49 St. Akbans) I slept in… 9.00! Coffe with the crew. Janice had wanted to go toan art exhibit in Montpelier but the exhibit wasn’t going up until 17.00. Result? I brought Janice to St, George, Doug brought all, including his daughter, to… Movie! Chipmonks! “Chipwrecked”! The theatre in So. Burlington, beside Allenwood! His daughter is a charm. – The movie was a delight. Even though I had to move because of the shit-brat who wiggled my seat. – After the movie… Doug took us down to the Shelburne Farm, up the peninsula, along the bay. The sight of the Adirondacks from Shelburne Bay actually drew tears! SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME! I’m HERE! Eventually, all this shit will work out… it’s working out even now… and I’m back up North and in New England! – Doug git us back to his place and I ended up driving back to St. Albans alone! But even now, I’m learning exceedingly well… I got back with-out a dambed glitch… even in the ice and snow. – Imagine me: residing in and driving about THE NORTH COUNTRY… AT LONG LAST! Where’s Nick? Where’s Nick? – WHERE’S VIV?

03/01/2012 at 22:53 07 e
3 Jan. Tuesday: Drove to work! Wow! A bit of snow, a bit of ice, a bunch of traffic. Then came BTV and like magic, the snow and ice were gone! I woke at 4.30, made coffee, had a smoke, ttied for a healthy bm because my guts are quite knotted of late. Most of that caused by the Burlington Emergency Shelter. Imagine? 16 months in NYC didn’t cause this much trauma. – Meanwhile… Ever so very snappy-crisp weather. – The job? They never noted my records about the 8-16.30 shift so when I got in at 7.45 they wanted to know why I was late! Chase… it’ll never be Chremical. But it’s great. The jobs’s a pleasure! – Trip back to St. Albans? Packed! Unbelievable! Traffic! And the “Rush Hour” on the 89 is… RUSH! Like 145km/h is “slow cruising”. But French on the radio, and an “I’m home” (Québec) attitude took good care of that. It was just SO intensely super, driving North on the 89, not unlike the drives up the Northway. – Rice and broccoli, served by Debbie. Wonderful chat with Aunt Deb. It was a joy at the end if the woek-day. – Debbie’s on her way to a new job! Andrea too! I hope each one pans out for them! How wonderful it would be for them. – Janice took me to get gas this evening. 20$ filled the tank! At last! (I won’t have smokes until pay-cheque day but I can get to work!) – When we got back
to the house Janice had me drive to the side door (across the yard) to play “drive-up” with Deb. She got such a laugh! It was good to see her laugh. – Now? I owe her 40$, Doug 40$, the phone 45$ and about 112$ in storage. Friday’s pay? Maybe 150$. Life goes on. – Tonight, Janice searches the Internet for better work. At 21.53, it’s -13• out and calm in. – No word from PJ in a while, I wonder why.

05/01/2012 at 18:08 50 e
*Wed. 5 Jan.12: (at 6.28, Thu. in the parking lot at work… early!) After another rather restles night, because of frigid feet, and only about 4 hours of sleep, I woke at about 4.00. Coffee. Straighten the kitchen. Dishes in the sink (quite amazing how cooking and eating are important but clean-up is not). A smoke on the back porch. Shower, dress, out the door. – The drive? Long! But QUICK! I wasn’t supposed to be at work until 8.00… I arrived at 6.30! It’s 35,9 miles, door-to-door and travel, with traffic (and OH the TRAFFIC!) got me in, in about an hour. Even in the bit of snow, falling only until the Winooski line… after which, it was perfectly clear! – There’s a pure delight in driving along, in the dark, on the 89 which is SO much like the Northway, listening to the radio… IN FRENCH! (As “Bon yieu” les Colocs plays on the radio now! C’est le shit! Indeed!) – (16.54 St.Albans after work) And so, it was another delightful day at the office. My hours are now changed to the refular 1st shift as long as I have the car… 7-15.30. No problemme. I enjoy the earlier hours. If CCTA would provide, I’d keep them. But the earliest bus from BTV won’t get me in until 7.30 at the earliest so I’ll go to 8-16.30 when the joy of driving is done. – After work, I headed into BTV, the PO. A lettre from Nancy! 10$ “Ramen Noodles money”! She’s sn AMAZING person! (And it came just in the nick time!) – I headed immediately up to St. Albans (more so as not to waste gas) where, for a brief few moments, there was peace. Debbie had cooked dinner and was doing school-work. Then Stephen came in with Janice… Stephen walked in and threw a toy at me. No, I didn’t appreciate it… tired… I wonder why, eh? – The evening mived into the night. – I shot off an e-mail to StoragePost to save what little I have in there. Janice volunteered Doug to take a trip to Queens to get the stuff but I had to tell her I can’t take anything until the bill is paid. Honestly… – Janice was going into St. George for the night but changed her mind on the 89. I’d gone for smokes at Breakyard. When I got back, full house. Janice had returned too. Stephen was in full swing. I was tired but the hour was late. I wanted quiet… It came, later. -For a bit, Janice and I played SkipBo. I won. Imagine. – Another night of precious little sleep… late and cold and wondering if the phone alarm would work.

05/01/2012 at 18:11 29 e
Thu.6 Jan.11 17.25 St.Albans Another 4-hour night, up at 4.00, un-load dish-washer, clean the kitchen, put on the coffee, shower, on the road… Snow. Left at about 5.30 and got in at 6.30! – Work is a delight… my cheque had better be in my PO box tomorrow! I need it! But the drive went well and the day moved along. – Accident on the 89 this evening: South-bound, exit 17, car came across the meridian, down into the shrubs. Police. But no visible damages. – When I got to the house, locked door, no cars. I’m horribly exhausted! As I walked round to the back, then to the front, expecting to nap in the car, Aunt Deb opened the house door. She went back to her room. I washed my lunch container, had some cereal and milk, washed my bowl, but didn’t change out of work clothes… my jeans were in Deb’s room. – At about 17.00, Debbie came in with Stephen. I sat in the recliner, nodding. I’m bloody exhausted! Deb did groceries. Stephen began the noise-making almost immediately. The child has no boundaries, no leader-ship, no responsibilities. And behaves just as can be expected. (Blame the owner, not the pet.) – 17.57 In jeans at last! Big issue tonight? Where to sleep… EARLY! Tomorrow’s forecast is snow, I’m hoping my cheque will be at the PO but I doubt it. That means a trip into BTV on Saturday… I need to pay the phone! It’s probably off already. In any case, I’m bloody exhausted!

05/01/2012 at 21:22 46 e
20.57 St.Albans. Andrea’s room tonight. Yay! Warm! But just so it’snot “too” good… Doug came by with his daughter, which is really great for Janice, and fir Stephen. But there will be chit-chatting (even now, Serena – daughter, I think – is inquiring about yhe light being on in here and Janice is trying to get Stephen to got to bed). It’s none of my business but Stephen needs boundaries and social skills. As I was having pancakes earlier, he shoved in between Deb and I to crack nuts. Then, he simply reached onto Deb’s plate and took her food! Janice gave him a smack and, well, the kid’s great at theatrics… Deb un-did the correction with huggie-kissie. – Meanwhile, Lucy puked up something Debbie had fed her. – Another week of this. Je survivrais(?). – The phone is off. No service. I’m worried that I’ll lose the MetroPCS. I can’t afford new phone service and I need the phone! – I’d like to keep a car now. But that won’t be happening for some time. – Debts: 40$ Janice. 40$ Doug. 20$ Nancy. At least 100$ Storage. 700$ TD. 45$ phone. – Gas on the week-end and through the week. – Please let the cheque be at the PO tomorrow! – Andrea and Ethan will be here on the week-end. Depending on what comes in the pay-cheque… perhaps a hop-skip to (and mayhaps across) the frontier? I need time to get away. “Need”. – I can’t help but think PJ’s pissed because I came up to St. Albans AND, of course, the car. There’s been curt one-liners from him. Well, I can’t feel badly… I could be rather bent: He was supposed to get my bus pass; he didn’t bother even though he said he would. The FoodShelf; supposed to help me with my first visit and didn’t. FoodStamps “You’ll have them by the 1st Jan.”; I don’t. COTS v. BES? Another fiasco. Oh well. I can’t dwell. – The sky is gorgeous tonight, the snow reflects the moon. Just magnificent! But too cold to sleep in the car. – I’m thinking Motek. – And now, 21.18, lights out! I NEED SLEEP tonight!

06/01/2012 at 5:23 51 e
5.04 St.Albans It wasn’t so bad last night aside from the fact that I really couldn’t fall asleep until 23.00 again anyway. But at 4.00, I was awake. Made coffee. Got a little lunch together. Didn’t do dishes. Dishes… I don’t understand how, with 3 adults (other than me) in the house, dishes pile-up… not just in the sink but on counter, &c. Last night, Deb made pancakes and sausage. The sausage pan now sits on the stove, grease still in it. The pancakes got flopped onto the counter-top… no plate. Hmmmm. And Janice comments on Doug’s Mum? No further comment. – I need a beard trim. I don’t have the trimmer handy. – Deb is in her room this morning so I can’t make noise anyway. – This morning brought a rather good bm. So important. If that goes, so too goes the day. – Ah… the day. May it bring my pay fir 14hours and may the net be not less than 10$ per hour. – 5.18 et le jour se lève… Got to get on the move. Hoping the week-end brings rest and maybe a bit of travel to The North. That would be much appreciated… indeed.

07/01/2012 at 19:46 06 e
Fri. 6 Jan: 22.38 StAlbans: Out of smokes. Out of money. A tad hungry. – This morning I left at 6.00 and will not be doing that again! Along with a light, wet snow, in the dark, the traffic was, to me, remarkable! A string of double tail-lights as far as the eye could see along the 89! And, a brake-tapper. Add, no traction on the Ford, engine light on, sounds like the poor car is straining anyway. I was so tense, it was actually painful! HOWEVER… I did manage to get to oirk on time, so now I know I can leave St. Albans and take my sweet-arse time… at 5.30. – The work-day? Just delightful… until about 12.45 or so when I WOKE UP HAVING FALLEN ASLEEP AT THE DESK!!! And, of course, there sat Jess, Dear, Sweet Jess, looking right at me! I told her it was because of my nerves from this morning and the pain. She too was terribly tired, red eyes, yawning. I guess she understood. But I DELL ASLEEP ON THE JOB! FUKFUKFUK! – After work, with Hope ready to be dashed, I headed to the PO for my PC (pay-cheque) which, of course, was not there! (But the Cabela’s catalogues were.) So… back into the car and off to St. Albans… not too happy. – OK… I’m in the house, at the steps, removing my boots, back to the door; BALAMM! The door opens and I get it in the back! Stephen… in from school. Completely ignores me and the incident! So this was the 2nd time… the 1st being his entrance and throwing his toy at me! I immediately changed out of work clothes, into jeans, grabbed jacket and back-pack, went back out to the car… to nap… for about 2 hours… in peace. The car stayed quite warm for quite a while! Thankfully. – By the time I “woke” it was about 19.00. No roast beef dinner for me tonight (no dinner at all in fact). Debbie offered; I declined. – Then it became rather animated when Deb and I briefly discussed Country music (she’s a Geo. Strait fan). – Janice offered to take me over to David and Wendy’s with her. Just to get away from Stephen, I went. David pulled out a bottle of Johnny Wslker Blue (claims 256$ for the bottle). It was good to have a drink, even scotch. – Back at the house, Doug came in. At 22.38: Sherlock Holmes video went in. It was OK. But it meant no sleep… again! And tonight I’ve got the sofa – no sleep. Tomorrow I Need to drive into BTV for my cheque! Maybe I’ll get to nod-off on the road? – Janice claimed, as we drove to David/Wendy, that she tries to correct S. but Deb un-does. Ungh-huh right sure. Any excuse for an annoying, spoiled child.

07/01/2012 at 19:48 38 e
Sat. 7 Jan: 9.03 St. Albans:
It’s 11.26 and I’m sitting in the car, at the PO, waiting, just in case my cheque was sent in the “2ft” of “raw” mail. It’s beginning to rain. It’s chilly. There’s about 1/4 tank of gas and I took to smoking the cigar that was in the car! I stink. The car stinks. The day stinks. All the way here for… Food Stamps card… no PIN… an 800 phone nr. to call for one but… no phone service! Isn’t it strange how shit follows where-ever we go? I’m just waiting until my 75 cents runs out on the metre. I’ll go back into the PO to see if the cheque is there. At this point, I’m not hoping. I know better. I can’t hope. I just can’t. Gut tells me the cheque went to the North Star. I can’t even call them to find out. I can’t call to activate Food Stamps. I can’t call to “reserve” gas money from Doug or Janice. A lot of “can’t” this morning. And no WiFi where I’m parked. – I need to get to the library to print a CV fir Monday’s phlebotomy intro. And I wonder if I’m actually expected there since I could’t tel-confirm. – Time out on metre. 11.30 on the clock. Depression time! – 13.32 St.Albans Nope. No cheque. Food Stamps. Medicaid. Both from BTV. No bloody pay for work performed. Not a good day. (And Doug just said he’ll help on Wednesday… I’ve gas to get to work on Monday… the end. Time for some serious … Oh I don’t know. I just don’t.) – 14.58 I don’t really know why but I walked up to the library, printed my Health CV (2 copies), transferred all phone images to Flash drive, I owe Storage 153$, phone 45$ and… well… my life and first paycheque to the World. If it wasn’t for debts to Janice, Doug and Nancy, death in VT would be a delight right now. – Then, on the walk back to the house, as I waited for the train at the dairy (?!) I thought: Just move forward… as always, others will opine no matter what… and in the long run, nothing will make any difference in Creation. Fukkitall. Simply? Fukkitall. – And the cigar stinks in the back-pack. – Catch-up: Last night was FINALLY to sleep at mid-night! One blanket, one pillow, Angel’s jacket and exhaustion. But soon after all settled, Andrea and Ethan came in… quietly and respectfully. I dozed right into sleep until the alarm at 6.30 sounded… and didn’t actually wake until 7.15 wgen “Hama” and her little brat began to stir. (I have no compassion for him. At 6, he’s responsible for his inconsideration. He goes to school, and even Autistic kids learn… I mean, he’s not non-responsive… other than wgen it comes to that which he CHOOSES not to respond to. True.) Aunt Deb/Hama made breakfast for the little shit, to be served to him, in the bed-room (the child learns from the absence of regulation in his elders here). Anyway, I bolted up, made coffee, had mine, had a reasonable dump and shower. As I was about to leave, Janice came down-stairs, followed soon by Doug. I’d wanted to be gone before that happened. Alas. So, focus, focus and out I went… into … the fuk. – Although, I did find the exit through Winooski that brought me directly to Pearl. Not that it makes any difference now. – When I got back, not in a delightful place, Doug tells me he’s putting new tyres onthe car either Wed. or Thurs. What? Needs my phone nr. to get the car. This, because I mentioned to Janice that the drive to work yesterday was slippery! He offered to “help me out” on Wed. with 100$. Wednesday? OK. I’ve got gas to get me to work on Monday… period. Never mind. (The bloody cheque had better be AT THE PO on Monday after work!) – All that aside, I took the walk to the library, got stuff done and… – 16.53 Football on TV. “Little Debbie” parked on the recliner like a truck in a WalMart parking lot. It’s raining out. And I never got to “The Border”. – Oh, andI’m BLOODY TIRED! – 17.16 Making salad. Pizza for dinner. Who the fuk cares? – 19.33 Dishes away. I put CKOI on and danced my way through. All (Janice, Debbie, Kelly & Andrea) were amused. – SNOW! HUGE flakes! MONSTEROUS ! GORGEOUS! AMAZING! Great packing snow. And then? Moon-light. – Now? I feel as if it’s 23.42.

07/01/2012 at 21:50 59 e
21.47 Sleeping on the air bed in Deb’s room tonight! Wow! And am in bed already! WaWOW!

08/01/2012 at 22:53 26 e
sunday morn 8jan: Zur: had a Summer home, in a small community, up on a mountain. I went to visit him, or check the house for him in his absence ( ambiguous in dream ). I had to get through security and wasn’t sure I’d clear (ID? Something I should have had but didn’t) – I made it into the community and to the house. The door was unlocked. Strange. No one was supposed to be home. I went in. The floors inside were covered with leaves. I thought it unlike Zur not to sweep. Then became nervous thay he might be in the house dead! I went to the bedroom and he was there, inbed, under many blankets. He’d been out partying all night. I was relieved to see him alive, yet, I was angry he’d gone out and wasn’t taking better care of himself. When he stood, I had to hug him and I actually cried… happy that he was OK and yet, there was a reason that I was disappointed that he was at home (I don’t know what that reason was). – 22.11 Andrea’s bed tonight! A great sleep before work. Thankfully. – This morning, I woke on the inflatable in Deb’s room. My back is killing me. From the bed and the fact that I had no time for a bm. Not something worth reading about but a fact. – First thing was to watch Debbie’s birthday cake being made. A “Candyland” theme with lilliops, gum-drops, Twizzlers, and such. Sugar! Softening chews in the microwave. It was all rather nasty. Fingers in everything. Too much handling of food and a mess all round. But I have to admit, rather fun. – Then, last minute, I decided to join Janice bring Kelly home to Jeffersonville. Wow! This state never ceases to amaze, and where-ever I go, I’m in awe. So much brings me back to Shongum and I have to admit: If not for the wonders here, and the fact that I’m striving to keep this my “Home”, I’d be home-sick for Shongum. The mountains are bigger here, much more rural area, just magnificent. And Janice took back roads back to St. Albans and it was breath-taking. Yes, coming to VT was the best decision I’ve made in a long while. I’m quite glad to be here. Just truly glad. – We came over the hill to the east of town and below us, ALL over, the view of the lake and the end of the Adirondacks was enough to pull tears from one’s heart! Spectacular! I have to get up there for photos! To thonk, all those trips up the Northway over the years and this has been here and I never knew! Wow! – Back at the house, Stephen’s dad was visiting. He’s orig. from NJ and what I don’t like is his little, put-on-in-effort “paeudo Ottowa Valley” affect. But he’s latched onto me for some reason. Likes to chat. Oddly, he’s very similar to Doug… in some ways: “I know all”. (The other night Doug offered to drive to Stirage to get my things. When I told him I couldn’t get them until I paid the bill, that there eould be double locks, he implied he’d simply cut them! It’s this “macho” shit in the bith of them! Arses.) – Well, we had a lovrly dinner. Andrea and Ethan as well. I like it when they’re here. They’re fun, and respectful. Delightful. (22.32 The sound of the train and whistle… St. Albans… end of the Amtrak line in… the North…beautiful.) – After dinner, Debbie cyt the cake, we all enjoyed it very much. Then came “play” with it: The Candyland Cake Massacre”. Video on YouTube. – After dinner, Janice offered to put gas in the Ford fir me. We drove over to the station. She put gas in her car then swiped her card for me. We chatted and when I begsn pumping, 79cents into it, the pump stopped! When she offered 20$ for gas I asked for 10 and a pack of cigs. She hesitated, gave me a bit of a speech and said OK. She pre-paid inside. Gas and cigs! Then she said something disturbing: Deb asked “Where’s he getting money to buy cigarettes?” As if that should be a concern of hers. But, she’s got nothing else in her life so… – Janice asked if there was any way I could find out if my pay had made direct deposit. I’d been fearful to chrck but tonigjt I did… IT’S BEEN THERE SINCE THURSDAY!!! And only 17$ out in taxes!!! It’s been in the savings all along! Now I just hope I can get at it at the ATM tomorrow!!! Gas and cigs! And pay back Janice! – The phlebotomy courer is out. 8 weeks of 8 hrs/day, no pay… No way! So tomorrow… bill paying! – Tonight? Sleep! – What another magnificent day! – Tonight, the air is crisp and clear, the moons is FULL and the snow is that un-real night blue, deep shadows from the moon-light. UNbelievably awesome! Just too beautiful!

09/01/2012 at 23:30 39 e
Monday 9 Jan. 22.57 Late night again. And… well… Let’s start on a HIGH note: St. Sébastian! Québec! I went HOME this evening! – And now to the beginning of the day… The drive to work was great. Good weather. Early arrival. Jess and I get along fine. Really. I’m getting the hang of the work too. And, amazingly, I managed to not fall asleep! – At lunch break, I went to TD for cash, yay! – After, stopped at the PO to receive a threat lettre from TD: Collections on my over-draft. – To Janice at her office. Gave het 80$, 45$ for the phone. I owe her 14$ more and the cash loans are paid back in full. – I drove Andrea home. We had a blast on the trip. I filled the tank on 30$ at Shell in Winooski and we talked and danced back to St. Albans. She’s a gem! So sweet. – We get back to the house, she went to get Stephen, I went to change. Had a piece of cake (I didn’t bring lunch today). Stephen walks in and throws himself on the recliner where my jacket was and when Debbie told him he should sut else-where because he was sitting on my jacket, he moved into my things all the closer, in defuance. I went up-stairs to change and headed out the door… to the 89… to the BORDER! In the dark. No problemme. Québec! The un-known Eastern Tiwnship region. – Canada: They searched the car… trunk and such. Opened my back-pack. I had to tell them it wasn’t my car. Shit! You pull in and the cameras flash, photos of the car and plates… at least. It took a bit of time but the guys were polite and kind. – The 133 is desolate! Dark!
I had to drive until I got to St. Sébastion where, north-bound, I passed the only dépaneur in town! Turned round just out of St. S and headed back. Bonjour! I git 2 packs of BELVEDERE (9$ per) and a drapeau! Headed back to St. Albans. – US Customs: full auto search agsin! Even under the front hood! But you know? They were all so nice. – And even in the darkness, it was so good to finally make it HOME! – Stoped at Price Chopper, St. Albans, for coffee for the house. Let Deb Fuller ponder that! I don’t mooch… FUK! – Janice slspped apricot chicken, some kinda rice, garlic spinach. Zi ate. Wanted not to be there. St one point Stephen poked at me to get room on the sofa, Janice told him to excuse himself. I told her I WOULD move. When she told jr Shit to apolgise he muttered “Sorey”. I sat in the dinong room, silent. The kid is making me sick! – Quickly… I’m nodding here: Diug’s coming for the car tomorrow! Giving me some 5-speed thing. Full tank and clean and TONIGHT he gives the bull story that he’s got a buyer and NEEDS the car… TOMORROw! FKKME.

10/01/2012 at 5:03 57 e
Tue. 10.Jan. 4.36 St.Albans: Went to sleep fully clothed last night just to save time. Actually slept quite well but I believe it was due more to exhaustion than anything else. – Today should be more interest. Janice “texted” Doug last night: my phone nr. and break time of 13.30. I’m betting he’ll be irresponsible enough to show late and piss about it. If I had the money now, I’d arrange to leave here today. But I just can’t afford it at the moment. Story of my life. – The Ford Focus is cleaner than it was… MUCH… and I’m hoping it’ll have the same half tank of gas it had when I got it when Doug takes it back. I intended to return it with a full tank but… I still think of how he defiantly said “Those locks don’t bother me.” with reference to my storage. And, when I told him I can’t have my phone on my person at work, the childish defiance again “That’s pretty stupid. I don’t know what kind of job you got.” As the addage goes: You can’t fix ‘stupid’.” Not to mention, at a certain age, you can’t impart maturity. On the one side, an adult who be-moans his lot in life, waiting for grants, loans and a “back to school” notion, meanwhile, doing nothing to better a situation. On another, one who has little fits and tantrums when the World goes as it will… in contrast to the way he wants. Then blames others and the World in general. Add a spoiled 6 yr old who still talks like a freakin 2 yr old and is encouraged with kissie-kissie to steal food from someone’s plate, leave his little play-things scattered about and disregard the presence of others. That will come round to bite someone in the arse in a couple of years… MamaJan will reap what she’s sown… he’s a FAT little fuk now; when he’s 10 he’ll be worse and at adult he’ll be un-employable and living at home forever. Oh well. Too bloody bad. – I’m exhausted. But time for the shower and out. – Had left-over, cold coffee this morning and will not be making fresh. Last night I bought a large can of “Chocks”. Janice had gotten a larger can of generic. Me? I made my effort. I don’t much care at this point. Tonight I get to drive a nasty vehicle, in my work clothes, and probably have to shell out MORE money for gas! BUGGER the bunch! – The week-end is moving into an un-furnished room. I have to think of a bed at least. Sleeping bag? I don’t know. Then, busses to/fm work… in Jan/Feb in N.VT. OK! Storage. TD. – Lovely start to the day… Eh? – But last night I had… QUÉBEC and fukkemall!

10/01/2012 at 22:35 41 e
Tue.10Jan.21.55 Another rather interesting day in the charming North of New England: Because I did this morning’s entry I ran a tad bit later than I’d planned. But I got on the 89 and, figuring I was going to lose the car tiday anyway, I DROVE to work! And, I got there at about 6.20 or so! WooHoo! It CAN be done! – Work was good, even though I’m exhausted from not getting nearly enough sleep here. Thankfully Jess, poor Jess, understands my doziness. She works 2 jobs just to keep a place here, in St. Albans. It’s disgusting that people here have to do what people in NYC have to do just to keep a roof over-head. Just disgusting! – 13.30 came round and I bolted to the parking lot to find that Doug had already begun to retrieve the Ford. (I still don’t know how he opened the car door but…) Then I noticed… the “5-speed” he was offering was his pick-up! If it wasn’t red snd silver it wouldn’t be half bad but the colours! Still, it’s not the bus, and I am more grateful than anybody could know! SO much more! – Keys exchanged and I was back to work wondering if I could actually drive a 5-speed again… It’s been years! Even Jess laughed: “You want me to stay to make sure you can get out of the parking lot?” TeeHee. – 15.30 and the moment of truth… Like I’d never stopped driving! Out to the road I went, onto the 89 and AWAY! North! WaHoo! Wonderful! Draw-back? Shitty radio. Sirrius… but I couldn’t figure it out. Oh well. I was DRIVING! – In St. Albans, a stop at TD on Main for gas money. The savings is down to about 20$ now. – Got into the house, changed. Soon, too soon, “Aunt Hama’ arrives with the boil. I planned on getting gas anyway and was finishing my cold oatmeal/peanut-butter whrn the phone rang: Doug… please meet him in Georgia, he wants the truck back and I can have the car! I was enjoying the truck, but I’m used to the car, so… Back out, onto the 89 to Georgia and the Mobil to exchange again. – Met Trevor… adorable-but-irresponsible Trevor. He’d been driving the Ford. – Doug wants 1800$ for the Fotd. Mentipned Debnie and Janice having no money. I jokingly said “I’ll have money.” Dough said “We’ll talk about it. Meanwhile, I could have a car soon – So… back to St. Albans for the night. – Note? Stephen used to be rude to Doug too. (I’d earlier exchanged texts with Janice when she asked what Stephen did to “make (me) go to Canada last night”. Janice says I should correct Stephen. I said it’s not my place.) – Aunt Deb had made what she called “meat loaf”… in a baking dish. (She, by the by, has been curt with me as well. Almost nasty.) I had a bit, baked potato, some beans. (But I can get food.., on 60 friggin bucks.) – When I returned from Georgia, she was gone to work. Yay! Stephen is worse when she’s here. I relaxed. – Janice came in ftrm work. We schmoozed. – And now I MUST get some sleep… Andrea’s bed tonight! I would have taken the inflatable in Aunt Deb’s but that room stinks of kid-sweat… the door’s never open… to keep the cats out… but it’s basty stale in there. – Must contact Steve! Move in wk-end already. – 22.33 Time for SLEEP!

12/01/2012 at 21:24 59 e
11JanWed: 21.53: Work went very well. Many left early due to no work in. I got my full shift. – No lunch to eat. – Library after. Googlevoice contacts. – PJ dimner at City Mkt. Drove him home. – Gas at Shell in Winooski cheaper. – Steve offered much help with move. Saturday, 14.00! – Drbbie gave me oil pastels! – A night in the stink hole (Aunt Deb’s). – Tired. – Hellish storm coming in the morn. Hellish commute. – I’m thirsty but …

12/01/2012 at 21:26 06 e
12janThu: Left late to work this morning and still made it on time. I’m getting used to the 145km/h drive on the 89 (“Interstate” as it’s called). – 21.07 Ohlie is at the foot of the bed. I’ve hot Andrea’s room tonight! Yay! Comfy sleep. – The terrible storm in last night’s forecast never happened today. Just a bit of snow and some rain. The temperature is 0• now but it’s really quite warm! I’ve adjusted to the North Country (again)! I’m so happy! – Went to WalMart and Dick’s after work. I’ll be getting a cot, sleeping bag, pillows for the new room. Better to move than lugging heavy futniture (which I can’t afford anyway .) Same bag as the one from Waubeka. I’ll save the receipt… return one when I get my things from storage. – Pay got deposited today! Much more than I expected. I wonder where my pay statements are though. North Star? If so, I’ll report them to the Fed! – Work is becoming a tedium. Today’s “Quality” report: 78 errors and they make a fuss! Jess pretty much ignored me all day. Fuk! I’m doing OK with the little time in the job AND the fact that I don’t get enough sleep. I’ve been functioning on 4hrs “sleep” every night! – Janice mentioned missing me when I leave; her only adult conversation in the house. Well, it’s true. – I had a little dinner tonight. Not much. Just enough. – I srill have to read my health insurance papers and deal with that. – I don’t want to leave St. Albans! – I hope Doug will allow me to buy the car.

13/01/2012 at 22:23 49 e
13Jan.Friday 19.46 Andrea’s Room. St.Albans: ** *** * It’s amazing how quickly the door closes when I leave from some-where. And tonight, I haven’t even begun to leave and the bed in Aunt Deb’s room is GONE! It reminds me of how much correspondence there hasn’t been from New York… None, actually. Not that that bothers me at all. Truly, it doesn’t. NY is “there”. I’m really quite “here” now… and tomorrow, I’ll go from having so many to socialise with to… Homebody. The return to Shelburne will bring much to a close, a new chapter will begin: Life In VT. Regular days andregular schedules of regular living… mostly in silence. There will be Steve and the dogs. Thete will be work, and the search for more. Wnd that will be “it”. The “Reality” commences. – Meanwhile, I have a sleeping bag and 2 camp pillows tonight. The weeks’s rent is in the back-pack. Dick’s, Williston. (Now I must worry about storage!!!) – The snows came this evening! *** SNOWS! *** Not heavy; the light stuff that turns space into fog, white-outs, and rough driving. The trip that took about 30 minutes this morning took over an hour tonight. One “slip” on the 89 coming up. Nothing serious. But it was a delight, driving North on the VT version of “my NORTHWAY! – 21.14 I HAVE A CAR! DOUG rang… I CAN MAKE PAYNENTS! AND he’s going to keep the insurance until I get settled in work! I want to… I don’t know… I’m in AWE! I’m HERE! I can get a little extra job now! Catch my Life back! No… Never mind that… I can HAVE a LIFE! The one I’ve never had!

16/01/2012 at 12:38 37 e
JOURNAL NOTES

14Jan(Saturday): Moved from St.Albans into Shelburne. – Aunt Deb had a nasty little attitude because I’d parked behind her. Sent Janice to ask me to move car. – Breakfast with Janice. – Two coffee mugs from Janice. – Two towels from Debbie. – As I was getting ready to put my things in the car, Janice says to Debbie: “Get up. You have a job to do.” Debbie blocked door so I couldn’t leave. – When Janice left, I had a Great talk with Debbie about their child-hood. – Drove to St.Albabans library, returns for Janice, log-on for pay advice. – 25$ fingerprint fee paid. – Looked for Amy’s to see Jess. Couldn’t find it. – The 89 at exit 20 to Shelburne. – Gas in Winooski. Dry gas in. – To Steve at 16.00. Very warm welcome! Pumpkin and Serena very welcoming! Sreve and I took them for a walk. – Set-up sleeping bag, hung clothes in closet. Watched TV for a while. Steve went out. I went to ShortStop for cigs and a beer. – Saw Kelly standing in NorthStar “coffee shop”. Odd, someone NOT liked here. I’ve no particularly good feelings toward her and no particularly bad feelings either. I just hope I never bump into any of those North Star folks again. – Then to Hannafords for coffee, cereal, creamer, dinner. – Dinner: turkey coldcut, Labbatt Blue, chips, donuts. – House so quiet! – Into sleeping bag by 21.30. – A bit chilly in the house.

15Jan(Sunday): Sleeping bag to be exchanged due to VERY poor stitching! Kept getting caught in threads! – Awake at about 4.48 with cramps. Yesterday too. Not lg bm but pale. I wonder… – Finally up at 7.30 with more cramps and pale bm. Coffee in the loo. – Out for a smoke. – Steve awake 8.42. – Delighftully quiet. – 18• in the room. Not too bad. – The peace is so welcome. – No internet. – I’m preoccupied with expenses… as always. – Williston. Exchanged bag. Then on to WallMart: lampe, towel, hangers, soap, poptarts. The cashier canned the lampe but not the shade! Same thing happened at Target at The Junction in Brooklyn. (Brooklyn… still so fresh in my mind… So far away.) – I amaze me whenI know where I’mgoing and got right on the189 to the Dollar Tree! Light bulbs, wash cloths, a beer mug for coffee, dish soap for laundry and cups. – As I pulled out I noticed a call from Janice. I called back immediately and she was en route to Hannadord’s AS I approached it! We met inthe parking lot and I strolled as she shopped. – In such a short wile here I have Friends to meet, unexpectedly… from… St. Albans! Life has moved very quickly… and delightfully. (I am becoming VT.) – Today aslo brought an Email fm Motek! I was rather convinced he’d drop me when I left just as everybody else in NY has. Word from him puts joy in my heart. I don’t want to lose him… again. – When I got “Home” this evening, the welcome was warm, delightful. Steve and Cerrina and Pumpkin were glad to see me. We “all” chatted a bit and I went up to the room to settle the day’s finds. – I still say: Coming here was the best decision I’ve ever made in my Life. At long last… Peace… and some True Joy. At long, long last.

16/01/2012 at 22:06 16 e
16Jan.21.54 Shelburne: What an interesting, and short day. I woke at the usual hour (about 4.30) and went back to sleep. 6.00 alarm… snooze. Steve was still here. I stayed in the warmth of the sleeping bag and drifted off until he started the car to leave… maybe 7.00 or so? Then up to coffee and hand wash socks and such. The NEEDED washing! I’d finished them and put the t-shirt in to soak when “tap tap tap” at my door. STEVE! He’d run out of gas… right beyond the tracks! He apologised for disturbing me but needed to get to the gas station. n”Apologised”! It was my honour and privilege! And the morning view from the Short Stop was amazing! (Tired. More tomorow.) – “Is It You?” Speakers for the iPod. My GOD VIV I MISS YOU!

17/01/2012 at 5:44 27 e
Monday cont… It was rather comical, in a way, that the car conked just after crossing the railroad tracks. Even Steve noted that. But, gas got to the car, the car started and away we went; him to work and me to here where I sorted through papers and hand-washed socks and under-wear… at last. Actually, I’d been washing the socks whilst Steve was here waiting for me to wake…? – Anyway; an e-mail or 2 to PJ. I needed… NEEDED to wash jeans and sweat-shirts and decided on the No.Winooski laundry TODAY! By noon I was there and by about 13.00 I was in clean sweats again… (the OWS shirt had NEVER been washed in all this time! NYC goes o.u.t. in the rinse water.) – Drove directly to get PJ who immediately needed money (prescription). OK. I’m back to work and have the car… I’m trying not to think it. He claims a 40-40k settlement coming with-in the month “and then I can help YOU”. WE shall SEE (On verra…). 11$ I don’t have today. – We did AC Moore, Michaels… mats. AC better but both DEAR! WalMart for the speakers. (5.43 I’ve been on on the bowl! Steve’s on the shower. I gotta go!)

18/01/2012 at 6:10 07 e
17Jan.Tue.Shelburne: In the silence that is this house, that is this state, I woke, quite delightfully cozy in my sleeping bag, on the carpeted floor. But getting out of it? 18 degrees is still a bit chilly. It’s about the average high in here. Steve did say, at our introduction, that this is his temperature preference. How Northern, to maintain a chill in the air. – 4am was a bit on the “too early” side. I used the time to make lunch: peanut-butter/American cheese on burger buns (2) and a Campbells soup cup. It’s to be a lot of that for a while. The peanut-butter is past-date but seems fine. It had been frozen in Janice’s trunk for a bit. Hmmm. On verra, pantoute. – Using the loo is… well… mine abutts his so I try to be quiet about it. – Steve woke at about 6.00 to shower. I waited for him to finish, giving him the hot water. – At about 6.30 I left. Traffic on the Shelburne Rd. but made it just fine, on time, to work where I’m back on 7-15.30. The car is my blessing. – The day? Well, I get the distinct feeling that Jess is, for what-ever reason, annoyed with me. She doesn’t speak even when I make nice chat. Oh well. If she doesn’t say why, I’ll not press the issue. However, she does comment: “A little bird told me you’re making typos.” SO WHAT? That’s why you’ve got “verification”! I want to meet the perfect people in the room! Fukkitall. I had trouble with the computer this afternoon… when Geof came by to help (the resolution changed some-how) she focused the “blame” on ME! I’m not getting help on new forms but the criticism flows freely. The job is becoming tedious. But I need it and the income. As I said to Janice this evening… “I’m ‘living’ in VT now; the ‘reality’ is in.” – 15.30 was a relief! The drive home was very good. I took the “girls” out for a walk. They treat me like a long-time fixture now. I’m glad. I need to get along with them. But even Steve remarks how amazed he is with how Cerrina(Sp?) has taken to me. It is amazing… She’s adopted me thoroughly. Though even Pumpkin is a Friend.

18/01/2012 at 6:16 22 e
Cont… The evening was spectacular. There was a stupendous wind blowing through the trees, the clouds rushed over-head in the night sky. And the thought came: I’m not paying rent here… I’m contributing to a “Life”… a LIFE! – Note? The 11$ given to PJ has put me back considerably this week and I hope I’m wrong but it seems he’s more “friend-ish” now that I’m working. As I say… I hope I’m wrong. – End of day at 22.00. Music from the iPod. – “Life”… not “existence”.

18/01/2012 at 6:18 14 e
6.17 Wed.18Jan: Storage. Rent. Car payments. Gas. Morning thoughts.

18/01/2012 at 20:58 05 e
Shlbrn20.37: Ready to close this day. – What can I say? I’m still actually Happy here, in spite of worrying sick about the storage bill and banque debt. – Took a different way to and from work today… DIRECT isn’t the word for it! What once (only 2 months ago!) seemed SO FAR away is, in all reality, a moments’ drive. In about 10 minutes I was at work! – Work… Jess is now pulling a 3-11.30 shift. I suppose I’m off “training” but can’t be certain. At least Jen was very pleasant as was the VERY kind “SME” (whose name I never got) who helped me yesterday. So I guess all’s OK… in spite of the fact that I keep wanting to doze at about 14.00 every day. – Today I got “home” to a beautiful welcome from “the Girls”. We went for a walk and I came to the room for a nap! – Steve came home with a friend… Tara, I believe. “I’ve heard SO much about you…” how Cerrina’s taken to me, languages. Well, good. (And to think, I don’t know Steve’s family name! But I know he’s 40, works very close to my job, studied German x2yrs.) Anyway, they went out, I stayed in and came back to the room. – Went for a smoke earlier. Cerrina seems spooked that Steve’s not here. Inconsolable almost. – Well, there’s the day. – I hurt myself, financially by giving PJ that cash. That little bit will make my tomorrow difficult. And I keep recalling: when my money ran out back when, he rather disappeared. – Well, p.nut butter/cheese & soup agaim tomorrow. Lunch is made & ready to go. I’m ready to zip into the sleeping bag. – The iPod’s been playing most of the evening. Music! Bless you Motek! – Goodnight New England and everyone who might actually be looking at this…

19/01/2012 at 5:32 58 e
Shlbrn5.10: We’ve just come in from a morning constitution… “the Girls” and I. Need I say more? I don’t mind, not really. It would have been nice to know that he wasn’t planning on coming back last night. But how strange that I’d fixed today’s lunch last night, giving me the extra time this morning. – A note though: at about 3.28 this morning I woke to pee. When I got back into the sleeping bag and re-set the alarms for earlier (I noticed Steve wasn’t here), I got a full-body rush of some strange “feeling”; not doom or anything particular, just a sort of “awareness”. Now I wonder… The dogs were rather anxious last night when it got later. What’s in store today? – I’m glad I went to sleep by about 20.30. – Doug rang last evening. I missed the call. No message. I wonder about that. Just checking-in? Money? – I have to figure out how to cover storage! the rent! the banque! this week. Plus the car! gas! me… me being last. Then comes getting the storage from NY to VT. It’s lovely starting the day this way. – Oh, amusing: when we came in from this morning’s walk I noticed how the house does have the tell-tale “smoker-in-the-house” aroma. So, as Steve said, I could have one in here. But not this morning… I’m rationing everything… due to my “charitable” habit. (What happens if/”when the money comes in” in Winski will be interesting. I keep remembering the line “You took care of me, now I’ll be able to take care of YOU.” I know, too well, how THAT went before. Let’s see how it goes this time round. – Funny, I’ve 5$US and 5$CA… but… not 10$ in one currency. Funny, that. – Time to toddle along and start the day.

19/01/2012 at 19:05 08 e
Shlbrn18.47: It’s -3 at the airport and only 17 in this room! Again, I find shelter from the elements, delightful surroundings… in the cold. I’m wearing the double sweat-shirts over sweater, sweat-shirt and t-shirt. I’ve closed the window blind, opened the door and can’t buck the chill. Time to look into a small heater. Something battery-operated would be great. Camping equipment. – Got to work on time. They’re offering Saturday and extra week-day hours but I don’t ask for them because… well… for example: this morning I asked Jess a question on a form, she SNAPPED “What form are you on?!” then snapped some reference to it and went back to her own work… then yesterday “A little bird told me you’re making typos again”. I’m sorely lacking confidence now and HATING the job! I NEED THE BLOODY MONEY! NEED NEED NEED and NOW! THIS is getting to me. Time to go NY on it all and FIGHT LIKE HELL! – Steve rang, left msg apologising for leaving me with “the Girls”. – Saw Janice after work. Need to see her tomorrow about SQL training. – Need to pay my health ins. too. – Steve. Storage. TD. and all. And I’m cold in here. – Steve is probably in the TV room. Cerrina has been here with me all evening, lying on the floor. I’m about ready to give up on the day. Hopefully there’ll be enough in the banque tomorrow. – What more to say? The WIND is RUSHING out there tonight.

20/01/2012 at 5:33 27 e
Shlbrn5.06: 19deg in here this morning. Feels OK though. Morning smoke done. A light cover of snow on the world out-side. – Last night at about 19.30, this week’s pay got posted. The entire amount goes to expenses today leaving nothing but more red ink. These are the “catch-up” days. But somehow I keep thinking that I need to find another place. – A point of consideration is morning shower. In a few moments I’ll have to run the shower in a bath-room that adjoins. Will it disturb? I thought, as I stood, having my smoke, 25$/week more at Bel Aire gave me a warm room, freedom to wake, sleep, shower, &c at will. But that really isn’t an option because weekly isn’t available there. – I don’t know Steve’s family name. I’ve no proof of residence… something I’ll need soon for car registration… CAR! I owe Doug money! Next week I’ll owe another month’s storage. Today I’ll send 150 to come current. They want to auction on 2 Feb. This car won’t make the trip there and back. And I wonder if I could fit everything in, in one trip. The air travel took just under an hour to get here. But a drive will be considerably longer. No tolls means going through The Bronx and Manhattan, 59th St. Bridge. Not too bad there. But getting that far is through Massachusettes and Connecticut. Or into Albany and down Rte.9. LONG TRIP! And slow. Well… On verra. It can be done. – For today, it’s almost time to get moving along… in this silence… in this chill. At least I got good sleep last night to be awake for a job I no longer look forward to going to. Oh well. – So much weighs so heavily on the mind… Oh… the phone comes due again too. How do others catch-up? Time… I just need Time…

20/01/2012 at 20:28 05 e
Shlbrn20.14: 17deg. Well, another day closes another week. Today I worked un-supervised. TOMORROW I get yo put in 6 hours) leaving me only 2 hours short of my 40 (thanks to MLK… I lose income because of him and his cronies… forced day off with-out pay!… BULL$h!t.) ANYway, I’ve this week’s rent in cash AND I posted a 160 money order to Storage! Bad news? I owe 102 MORE! I need to get that caught up! AND TD. AND THE CAR. I got paid only 24 hours ago and I’ve got 30$ left… and haven’t put gas in te car yet! Lovely. AND I owe Janice ANOTHER 20 because she bought food tonight so I can eat during the week! (Amusing: chicken patties in the car to keep frozen. Ah… Winter.) – Nobody home when I arrived. The Ladies and I went for a brief walk. Snappy-crisp out there. – Still just us kids at home and in mere moments, I’ll be in the sleeper. – Janice wants me up North on Sunday! Friends… imagine? Friends. (I’m still hoping I’m dead wrong on the Wnski front.) – So much I’d like to DO this eve but… sleep time has arrived.

21/01/2012 at 6:05 06 e
Shlbrn5.43: Another night alone at the home-stead. And a night of sleep, indeed. And this morning it’s 19deg in here. It should be this temp at the lowest… but… – I’m wondering if I should leave the rent, with a note or wait to hand it in person. I’ve no tangible cause to feel I should hand it in person and I don’t want to insult by either leaving money about impersonally or by giving the impression that I feel it needs to be handed directly. I’ll leave the note with the cash. Steve can use it on the week-end. (I wish I had some of it for the week-end.) – I have to ring Doug today too. He keeps asking Janice to have me ring him. – It’s damp in here… in the house. I wonder why. – The Ladies are awake. I need to hit the loo and get them out. Minus 10 out there this morning. – Work at 8.00! Off at 14.00. What to do with the rest of the day? – Janice was rather fun last evening: She wanted to get fruits and vegs at PriceChopper and couldn’t understand my list of bread and quick-foods like burger rolls and cheese. I keep thinking how people should only know how I’ve developed my nutritional intake requirements over a life-time. (I just remembered: the last time I had those chicken patties… in the NS… they gave me the trots. I don’t believe they’re the same quality here and I hope they don’t do that again, since I’ve 12 of them… and they were on sale. Interesting days to come.) – Time to rush the Ladies out. Then get me to work. I don’t know how to dress… the others will probably be in jeans… but not me.)

21/01/2012 at 20:54 06 e
SHIT! Had the whole day in and hit the damned “Back” on this shitphone! – Shlbrn20.40: OK. 38 hours for the week confirmed and approved! – NOTE: A form submitted by someone from St. Albans… I looked at the postal code… 114… and thought it wrong because St. Albans’ code is 05-something. I’d forgotten St. Albans… QUEENS! My brain is now… VT! How comforting… and a little frightening. 3 months and NY is disappearing. – Steve was in good spirits when I got in: we talked architecture, a guy who dug a cave to live in, turning the heat up a touch, and I should use the kitchen to cook. Then he stepped out for a while. – I ate 2 chicken pattie sanwiches and some oatmeal. Did a bit of sewing. Straightened the closet. “Texted” with Janice about… nothing, really. – Steve rang a bit ago; he’s stopping for some take-away, would I like anything? I passed. (If only I could afford anything. But not for a while yet with my accounts payable in the upper 100′s still… AND things going funky with flickering light on the car dash… NO NO NO!) Well, that was a kind gesture and I hope my declining didn’t put him off. My attempts at being unintrusive usually lead to no good.

21/01/2012 at 20:56 38 e
20.54 I took the “Girls” out for a quick walk. I’m trying to stay awake. TIRED!

22/01/2012 at 8:32 22 e
Shlbrn8.07: A delightgul 21deg in here this morn. I’ve been “awake” since 6.30. Not sure why. Nothing on the agenda save a run for smokes. Weather report (NOAA) says -19, but we’ve just come in from a walk and a smoke and it’s not too bad out there. Still, the roads are probably slick, and I don’t dare to just go joy-riding… I don’t trust the car all that much. – I learned about the “EGR” last night, on-line. Nothing horrifically important, but that “check engine” light flickered yesterday. PLEASE, NOT THE ALTERNATOR! My luck with cars has NEVER been too good… not even the brand new VW (accelerator) or the Sentra (that clicking in the rain). Now, the Ford. I NEED the car, to get to work to pay the bills to get to work to pay the bills to… So I won’t force the car. – Tara was here last night. Steve offered pizza. I declined and was in the room… Put the pillow back in the cut-away and went to sleep at about 23.00. – It’s been quite comfy, temperature-wise. Heat on for “us” or for Tara? Makes me no difference. It’s pleasant. – Oh, to remove tint from car windows? Steam heat. Well, not in THESE temperatures. CRACK goes the glass-work. Alas. – One note for this morn: 413 at last! (It will, forever be that. And yes, in some manner, I miss my Bakfort.) Last evening I had 21 messages on 0715… all but 6 got “Archived”. I still don’t understand the last 2 from Penelope. But I don’t much care now. As I txt Janice: 3 months here and NO word from NY… Not even Moe/Ev! It tells me many things… many things indeed. – I’ve 20banqued, 16on-hand today. And maybe a visit to St. Albans… VT, not QNS. It’s a Sunday morn in New England… in VT… in The Champlain Valley… in The NORTH COUNTRY… Sunday morn… in WINTER! How delightfully WONDERFUL! We are at, this is Peace.

22/01/2012 at 22:36 12 e
Shlbrn22.17: Late. Quick notes. – Drove to PriceChoppers TD for the last 20$. Then into Winooski for gas. The gift card from Estremo is done. 9,01$ im gas (plus 10 cash). Cigs on sale, buy 3 get 3$ off. 6$/pack! – Onto the 89… ST. ALBANS! And a day at Janice’s. WOW Welcome! FRIENDS! Peanut-butter & jelly French toast! – Doug came too. We talked car payments. He doesn’t want me to put myself in a financial bind. I said 50/wk then my VTB cq. He didn’t agree to that… but said OK. – Aunt Deb gave me a sketch book! Small, wire-bound. Reminds me of the index card drawings. Oh Margot… at peace… bitch. – Drive back: SO natural to see Winooski, Colchester, Burlington now. Knowing where I am, where to go. 3 months. This is “Home”. – Saw Steve and the Girls on the walk. Back in, Steve shared his “Red Stag”. 2 shos and “Please help yourself…”. – I’m dumbfounded, flabergasted and in shock… I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THE KINDNESS HERE! Although it’s SO appreciated, I often fear it’ll actually kill me. My mind doesn’t know how to integrate and/or assimilate this Kindness. It just might do mr in. – 19deg. 22.33. Goodnight World. – Mama… How I wish you could be here… it’s a charmed Life. You got Al before you died… I have Vermont. You’d like this… Maybe not the cold, but the people here. – I miss you.

23/01/2012 at 20:51 25 e
Shlbrn20.46: Super tired. First totally independent day at work today. And I was out of it.. tired. Got in late too! – Great talk with Steve earlier. – He’s just coming in. – Kent… Maternal laRue… Canadienne! – Drizzly night. – I’m off to try for some sleep. – Lunch is made for tomorrow. – Life in NE. – Have to look into Internet… got the OK for WiFi! (Now, to find the money!)

03/02/2012 at 15:16 46 e
Tue.24Jan.Shelburne 20.07 I’m going to have to kee the Journal going on the iPod snd transfer when I can get to WiFi. I had the day’s events done on the phone and lost the connection! So I’ll just repeat those notes here and continue from that point: At 19.40 THREE MONTHS TODAY! Imagine? A car in the drive. A drive to out the car in. A room in a house. A house in a beautiful part of town. (No furniture. No bed. Sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor. But HEY!) A job that pays MORE than NYC. I drive 15 mins to/fm a job that doesn’t physically kill me. And tonight I put in some over-time (2 hours). – Steve cooked pasta and sauce. Tara’s here. I was asked to join them but I just feel Steve should enjoy his time with her. (I hope I didn’t insult him or her.) – Cerrina bolted tp my doir tonight! She’s SO wonderful. – And this morbing began with me backing out of the afre-mentiobed drive and almost into the gully… what an arse I am. – Tara is interested in the “Working Homeless” effort. Now it’s Janice, Tara, me and… PJ(?). Ann B. too in a way. Could this actually kick off into sonething? WOW! – And in only THREE MONTHS this is more “Home” to me than… anything, anywhere. To think; 3 months ago this mitning, I stepped out if the Shelter, got on the A train to JFK and at 13.10 or so, landed in this completely strange territory… this territory that I call “Home”, where I know “Friends”, have a very good job and live in a very nice place. (Like Mama… the are the “count-down” days… at my age… I’ll enjoy… “the end”.) – Plotted: Leave work om a Friday, drive to Albany fir the night. Saturday, drive to storage then back to Albany for the night. Sunday, cpme back to VTV. Dusrances are 305,97mi to storage; 149,73mi to Albany. I don’t DARE push the car for down and back. According to MapQuest , it’s a 6hr drive thriugh… on the Thruway with tolls. I’m thinking… Rte9 out of Albany to The Bronx, Willis Ave to Manhattan, 58th St. Bridge to QnsBlvd/Woodhaven. No tolls… I’m thinking… just yhinking. – A warm day today, going back to cold again. 20deg in here tonight but I’m chilly. And just a bit wound from the over-time at work. And my wrists are painful… from work.
Add: Ad I was leaving work, noticing the evening shift is considerably younger, the “kids” were in the locker-room discussing Carples Tunnel and their own pain… this is a dangerous job. But it’s paying my expenses!

Wed25JanShlbrn: (On Thu. morn.) Timing was amazing this morning… made it to work with only 1 stop light and to work right on time! – The system went down for almost an hour and I realised: very few people talk with each-other there. And it drove the fact: no matter how young or old, it’s not a place for the “sociable”. It’s Fed… dry and silent; we’re not “people”, we’re there to entre data, not more nor less. – Over-time was offered. I tried for 3 hours, in addition to yesterday’s 2, to make an odd nr. I remember, even hours mean less benefit. But (I think her name is Croline) (I don’t know names yet) said: “You’re down here for 4 hours Mister.” I said I’d wanted 3 but didn’t have my glasses when I signed. Jn (who gave training) offered “We have those magnifiying screens…” and I joked about being old and blind. Then Crline said “I’m erasing you… in my mind…” and Gf and others laughed about “being erased”. Humour! (We can only get 2 hours per day… They claim they’ve found that anything more leads to less productivity. So methodical.) I got 2 more hours, total 4 this week. – On break, I rang Adecco to put in for next Friday… VTB… and asked about the 90-day limit. There is none. This can go right along! I SO HOPE it DOES! But If VTB can give me 4 hours/night, 16-20.00, I’ll take it, or more hours on Sat. and Sun. (Imagine… working on Shabbat now? But I NEED to re-build a debt-free Life now.) – This evening, another Mgr., the one who’s been most kind to me, came to say that the verifier of this morning’s work complained about some typos. But she was kind about it, mentioning over-time, fatigue and the down-time. Very kind of her. She’s quite pleasant. – Meanwhile, Jess, my original “Sponsor” isn’t speaking to me at all. I wonder why… am tempted to ask… but don’t care. – Meanwhile, backat the house, a nice chat with Steve this evening: Québec food and such. He said he hopes I’m not walking on eggshells to beq uiet here, and he appreciated my consideration for his time with Tara last night but that that’s not an issue. We chatted a while, I came to my room. – He had a visitor tonight… he and the guy went to the basement. Me? I was “in the bag”… sleeping… by about 21.00. A pretty good night.
Thu26JanShlbrn: 5.12 A rather painful night, upper back and shoulders. It began at work yesterday. Work-related, posture, &c. Then, this morning, a touch of nausea. I can’t afford to be sick! – I wonder if the chicken patties are still good, having been kept frozen in the car all week. Steve cleaned the fridge. Time to put food up in there. My stomach growls but morning bm is sparse. – Last night, an odd dream: Janice(?)’s house. I was hungry. Found ice cream in her freezer. She wadn’t home. I went for it. It was OLD, container wrapped in plastic bag. I went to open the container. It distintegrated! I crumbled some into a bowl. Just frozen fat! No flavour. I ate some, tossed the rest into the sink. It was disgusting. – This morning’s rushed by. I did a calc on this week’s pay/expenses. IF I’m lucky, 68$ to me for the week. Gas money. The expenses are almost over-whelming. Main focus of late: Storage. Tomorrow is another 150 and that should cover through Feb. Then TD and the car and VT Health Ins. Honestly! It takes one day to fall INTO such a hole… WEEKS to scratch and crawl out. But… better days are coming… better days are coming. – 5.47… I’m exhausted already. -20.40 Paid tonight! 200$ to Steve, 160$ to storage, 23,80$ left in the account for a week’s worth of gas, food and smokes. Oh yes… I’m about out of toothpaste now too. Here comes another week of HELL! Even though I’ve already put in 6 hours of OT this week and another 6 will come on Saturday for a grand total of 12 hours at 18/… to be paid NEXT week! – 1648$ rents paid from 24 Oct 2011 through 15 Jan 2012. That includes the “free time” at Janice’s. – 21.36 It’s snowing, lightly. 20deg in here with the door open. Cerrina has been sleeping in here and Steve’s been tidying his room this evebing with Pumpkin in there. I’ve been making a page on the iPod to record my rent payments and am trying to figure a way to pay Storage only what I MUST to have FOOD this week! But that’s going to have to wait until tomorrow when I get to see what sort of e-mail message they sent me as a “.dat” that I can’t open on my phone. The time is running too close to the threatened “auction” and I will NOT let THAT happen! – Tonight… must get some sleep. Will need to leave fir work quite early in the morning. – Doug rang this eve. Must have been while I was at work. I OWE HIM 1840$ as well! O SHIT! That’s all… just SHIT! – A great chat with Steve: I’m being much too accomodating… He should only know… that’s just me. But he says I should feel that this is my “Home”… Steve? I do… thanks to you… you’ll never know.

Fri27Jan Shlbrn 20.28 Lying on the new cot! I broke down and, in the rain, went to Dick’s and bought the damned cot! 80$! It’s not bad. The cheaper ones don’t have the cross-beam supports so they’d tend to sag. Of course, it’s got the fukkedup Field&Stream Chinese stitching. But, I’m not sleeping on the floor! – Got to wotk in great time this morning. A touch slushy and slide-y. And the damned alternator is fukking about! I sent Doug a txt asking if it does that in rain… at about 16.30 he called me! I didn’t take the call. I mean… just answer the question! – Work went well. I’m all OT now. – After, I rushed to DoL for the e-mail from Storage. Can’t pull the .dat file. Fukkers. – Tax forms from PIC AND VTB ARE IN! Now to FILE! VT taxes this year! WooHoo! – TD CLOSED the chequing account! I’m screwed! – Got toiletries at WalMart. – It was s warm day, rainy, but comfy. Then, as I leave Dick’s… snow and some sleet! But all gone in Shelburne! Too odd, this state. – Steve is out. The “Girls” are here, with me. I’ll see how long that lasts… have to keep the door open for them. – 3deg in BTV tonight! Heat-wave! – And time for some sleep… OFF the FLOOR! – Quick addendum 21.00: Today at work, application from ARVERNE! Tonight, the waves on the lake fill the air with their sound. (I miss Rockaway a little.)

Sat28Jan: Shlbrn23.48 The heat is FINALLY coming up! It’s 19• in here and NOAA says 2• at BTV but when I went out about an hour ago the world was covered in ice! (Admittedly… Earlier today I popped the thermostat a half degree. Didn’t do much good… my hands are COLD!) – And I got my 6 hours in at work today. – Took a back way home over Dorset and Allen… Found that LOOK-OUT… JUST MAGNIFICENT! Adirondacks in all their might and majesty! – Got in about 15.30. Steve was napping and I got into checking e-nail passwords. With the exception of a 45min nap… I’m just finishing! Tomorrow? Hopefully the WordPress accounts. I’m keeping records of passwords now. – Nice schmooze with Steve earlier. He asked if I’m more comfortable because he put the heat up. What? I don’t dare ask for more than I’m getting… it’s cost prohibitive. (But if it gets any colder…!) – And so… Oh, TommyBurke sent an e-mail to RAA and I got a copy! I have his e-mail addresse! ( Not that it’ll do me any good now!) – Time for sleep. Another day dawns tomorrow. – Oh… Today’s food: 3 donuts at work, 6 PopTarts and a can of evap milk. – And the car’s running poorly… noise under the hood, loose belt, bad alternator, loysy steering… my shit luck with cars.

Sun29JanShlbrn 20.48 A morning of rest. An afternoon of accomplishment. – Slept-in until 7.30 then had the morning alone. I was up until midnight last night, mucking with some 35 e-mail accounts! I need to stop making them! But waking at 7.30 was OK. I lounged, fir the most part, on the “bed”. How nice to be off the floor. But it was ever so cold in the house. By the time I went for the shower, I was cramping with cold. Oh well. I’ll adjust… by July. – Was supposed to meet PJ today, but that didn’t happen… – At about 12.45, I left for the library. The weather was very OK: a bit of sun, and 1•! WooHoo! The car made it to and fro… thankfully. – Parked on Hungerford (that name bothers me… Hunger ford… I don’t like the word “hunger”, I remember too much… NYC… and here too) and walked down to the library by about 13.00. Got settled with posting my time-sheet and began cleaning e-mails when… I’D LEFT THE PHONE ON THE FRONT SEAT OF THE CAR!!! BOLTED out to the car, 2 blocks away, to find… All was well. But that I’d forget like that! Damn! – Anyway, got back to the library to my table and got right into THE WORK of the day: TAXES. The Fed was a snap. But VT? HOURS! 9k comined income for all of 2011. 1100 of it from VT. I had to file PartTime residency on VT… THREE forms! The shit of it? 262 was my combined taxable income! HOW the hell did I manage? (4 months in the Shelter! THAT’s how… fuk.) Meanwhile, Doug was calling me. I wanted to finish the taxes! And so I did. AND THEY GOT DROPPED AT THE P.O.! Out tomorrow! Done! Screw the NYS/C parts. I’ve no forms and am due a refund again anyway. Leave it. – Left the library at almost 17.15. Drove down Pine to Cumberlsnd Farm for 15$ gas (now just over half a tank) and cigs. 6$ cash and 20 in the banque. No mo’ munnay. – Stopped at Hannafords for burger buns, creamer, 2 soups. 7 cents left on the EBT card. Done. – Came home… home. – Steve came in shortly after. Pumkin’s been scrathing herself RAW! Steve believes it’s the MilkBones! Oh no! No treats fir a while. – A cup of oatmeal for today’s intake. Food’s kaput. – Doug texted: “new card” for the car? OK. – Janice claims to miss me up there. That’s comforting to me. – And niw? Alarms are set for the week. It’s 21• and comfy. Time for weathet check and… Goo nite!

Mon30Jan Shlbrn19.14 Le Jour Se Lève AND Pour Un Instant on the radio after work! I sang my guts out! Oddly… Harmonium made me quite ill. Where I used to be blue from the memories, today I missed those days, missed Viv, recalled a late Summer evening, alone, dans l’Vieux when a group sang that as I strolled… and today the emotions made me ill. Some memories have grown too intense to cry out. I’ve aged. – Saw Janice after work. What a wonderful time. Nothing too casual, but I do enjoy her company so tremendously. She’s become, in such a short while, a “True Friend”.

Tue31Jan Shlbrn (on Wed 1Feb 5.02) The morning was just fine, though a bit of fresh snow had fallen over-night and, well, that meant a slow and steady drive to work. The car is miserable in this Winter weather because of the tyres. – Today I received a “35 Day Progress/Productivity Report”. The stats were, as I understand, not great. On the heaviest form (N400), 13/hr is the goal and I’m at about 5. In my defence, to myself and no one else, I’m still learning them, and the crap programme we have to entre them. The report did its damage and I couldn’t get into the job like I’d been all along. I wonder how my “Error Report” will look now… – Coming home, I went to the banque, pulled the 20 I had, leaving 3,80… stopped at the Shell fir smokes, crisps and… a beer! I wanted a vodka but… – At the house, I’d no sooner put the under-things in to soak when Steve arrived! Well, OK. They soaked. But the rinse wasn’t what I’d prefer. Still, they’re clean… at last. Then I settled in for beer and crisps… call it “dinner”. – the one beer really hit. Indeed, all I’d eaten all day was 2 peanut-butter sandwiches… we’re back to that. But it was rather calming. – An evening of texts with Janice… and some laughs there. No matter how things might get to me, she has her house FULL of people who simply abuse: and sge has no peace… in her own home. My life is, comparatively, perfect. – By about 21.00, lights out on the day. – Done. To rest.