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Sat.01.Dec: 0.21 I promised myself (yet again) that I'd be in bed, HOURS ago. AGAIN... I lied! Soc.med.! Minds. My OLD Gab “author” account. The Minds “author” account. I NEED to get a NAP NOW! Just a “NAP”! But... it IS my favourite month already. Just yesterday I commented to HLS: What ever happened? A year used to be much longer! She replied: Now it's gone in 6 months. - 2018 is GONE already! 2019 is running at us all, like a train with-out an engineer, ready to slam us all into a grave, or to little bits, soaring in the air. I can't believe how quickly it all went by. I mean... 6 months ago, I got the truck, registered and insured it. I've just paid the 2nd half of the year for the insurance and in mere months from right now, the registration will be due again. 2018. - But it was a rather 'good” year: re-connected with Dennis, learnt more about him that I'd never known. Re-connected with Dorothy and got to SEE and visit with her for a few hours. These are “good”. - I'm falling apart at the most incredible rate though. But I'm supposing that that's “good” too. It probably won't be much longer. It just can't happen here... and at the rate things are going, getting out of here is going to tedious... difficult... I just need to focus and do all I can to move forward, onward and outward! - December... in 20 more days... *** WINTER ***. Now that's something to look forward to... plan for. And with a truck in good repair... some searching about the Adirondacks... I've been blessed and gifted. - But right now, I need to get my nap. Here's hoping for just that: a bit of REST... painless sleep... for at least 6 hours. - 9.03 and all the little “morning chores” are done. No feeding because that was done before HLS departed. Thankfully, Hallie is still here. She spoke about taking her with, but, it's over-cast and damp this morning. Best she's here, I should think. - I got out of bed, with GREAT effort, at 8.38 following a night of EVERY 2 HOURS of SPASMS! And when I finally DID get up it was because of a GRAND SPASM, that ALMOST sent me toppling over! I HAD to grab for the bed before going face-first to the floor. The right leg is the worst... the right side is the painful side. Well... MAYBE, one of these days we'll get to the cause of all of this... or... maybe not. (I'll put my bets on “not”.) Chest is a touch on the “congested” side too, this lovely, December morn. Such fun! But... there's nothing to be done about it. - There are things to be done today, and there's a trip to the mechanic at some point. So? So... That's that. We woke another day... we'll fill it with “things” to do. And when it's done... it will be done. - I don't like going to “sleep” at night because of the terror of the rude awkenings through. I don't like going to 'sleep” at night because of the “mystery” of what will be faced when (if) I wake the next morning. Let's face it: I don't like “next mornings”. But we have another one here, and so we do what... what... what-ever. - OH LOOKIE HERE! I was just checking the pages for the on-line Journal and LO! with a hefty application of “BEHOLD!”... I made pages only to this month! Imagine THAT! Looks like I'll be adding... 2019! WELL! FUCK ME ONCE, AND FUCK ME TWICE, AND FUCK ME ONCE AGAIN... THIS IS A LONG... LONG TIME! HOW JOLLY! FUCK! - 11.21 SO... I had to add (fuck me) pages to all of this for 2019! IMAGINE! And THEN... HAD to add the year to ALL of the pages on-line! (I've not yet gotten to the WP version... But, I BELIEVE THAT should be easier.) Still... well... it's passed the time, I suppose, and it's better, since, one day (je LOL) somebody MIGHT just stumble upon all of this bull-shit (not that it'll make a damned bit of difference to anybody for any reason) and it'll be rather up-to-date... as much as it is right now at this moment.) Still, I suppose it's an “accomplishment”. - Meanwhile... I sit and wait to see if I get a message from Caleb to have that caliper replaced. Hey! 'tis the season for shopping and surely, the money will do him good. (HLS says that family isn't for want of money, but I know better than to take her at her word for much of anything. How sad.) - Back to the up-dates. Y'know... there are those who don't know how to do all of this “web-work” and who would be quite impressed. I do suppose anyway.) - 11.54 AND BOTH JOURNALS ARE CURRENT... SITE AND BLOG! Right through to the end of 2019... should I last that long... and I don't look forward to THAT curse... no, indeed. - 13.55 and imagine... no word from Caleb... I've been “passing the time” with soc.med. after “catching-up” with this Journal. Just in from fetching the post. Nothing to note on that topic. Pondering a nap. - BUT... my right leg is SORE! More SPASMS today. I wonder if the vinegar isn't exacerbating the “difficulties”. I wonder more, what actually happens when these spasms occur. I suppose I'd have to know the cause before knowing anything else. And I'm wondering if the pains in the chest aren't spasms... or... IF such a thing could happen and... if they do, what muscles will and won't spasm... particularly in the chest. Well? Only time will tell... and time is passing right along. One of these days... no doubt. - For now... we simply roll along with what-ever. - 23.41 At about 15.30 came the message: Caleb won't be doing the work on the truck today. Day fucked. - At about 16.30 I laid down to nap... so tired: HLS strolls in. Nap fucked. - At about 18.00 we had pasta for “meal”. Fine. - At about 20.30 I took Hallie out, HLS got ready for bed. By 21.00, the house was still. Day done. - Right now, finished with soc.med. One smoke. To bed. Need to ring Caleb in the morning or he'll come to fetch the truck and I don't want that. - Oh... Dorothy sent a photo of Sarah... WHAT A KNOCK-OUT SHE IS! (I'd still like to know who the old hag was with Tony when I went to Nbg. Looks like I might have to go back for another look? What-ever. I doubt it.)
Sun.02.Dec: 8.00 And I was up ONCE ALL NIGHT... merely to pee... and that was shortly after having gone to bed... FULLY CLOTHED, AS I'D BEEN ALL DAY, INCLUDING THE BACK-BRACE!!! FULLY AND COMPLETELY CLOTHED, AS I DID ALL THOSE NIGHTS UNDER THE TREE AT TILDEN, AS I DID THE FIRST NIGHT AT THE SHELTER, AS FULLY CLOTHED AS A HOMELESS PERSON WOULD BE. AND I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT... FOR ALMOST A COMPLETE 8 HOURS... AND WOKE? RESTED, WITH THE 7.30 ALARM... which I turned off and dozed until the 8.00 because I was SO COMFORTABLE AND RESTED! THIS BLOODY-FUCKING SHITS THE YUGE ONE! TO HAVE TO BE FULLY CLOTHED IN ORDER TO SLEEP AT NIGHT! WELL... WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TEST DIFFERENT STAGES OF “DRESS” AND “UN-DRESS” AND SEE WHAT'S-A GOIN-AWN. Meanwhile... I SLEPT THROUGH A NIGHT LAST NIGHT! OK! - Now... to attend to the morning and the Caleb and the money and the rot. (At least I got to enjoy no business on Shabbat yesterday. Eh?) - 11.30 the house is relatively still... and still, no word from Caleb. Hmmm.... But the rain is falling ever-so lightly, the snow is sliding off the roof. This morning I knocked the entire Southern length of the porch off with one rather light blow to the centre. It was quite astonishing to behold. As for the rest of this day? I'm getting tired. I should write letters but... I should take a nap but... I should get my vit.K but... I should... but. - At least my back isn't sore this morning, but... the day is young. Sleep is merely an escape from it all, and I doubt it's a bad idea. But... - 13.12 SO.... Suddenly realising that Caleb has the “bit” ... *MY* bit for tyre-changing, I phoned just a few minutes ago. “I'm actually at lunch right now.” Yeah? I don't really give half a fuck. The whole morning, pissed away, waiting. “I got your text message and meant to send one back...” Yeah? “Meant to” doesn't “do”. (I'm perturbed at the moment... having no patience for such nonsense... you either want the money for the work or you don't...) And so it comes to “I'll be back in the shop after this. 2:00 should be OK.” Yeah? How about, I've been up from since 8.00? Anyway... I STACKED WOOD IN THE KITCHEN... we don't really need it today... the snow is melting nicely... it's that warm... in plain view of HLS... who is oblivious, I'm sure. Then swept the kitchen floor... in plain view... oblivious. And I'm quite tired from that little bit of such. But... in about 45 minutes... out the door, get this done. My primary concern is knowing how much money I won't have for the rest of the month. After that... well, we can only do what we can only do. - I need a nap. - 24.16 (I refuse to set this at tomorrow because it's about TODAY!) It's been quite the day! Yes, indeed... THE BRAKES ARE REPAIRED!!! From about 14.30 to 15.30 or so! BUT... THE BILL? 345!!! I WAS MORE THAN SO RELIEVED!!!!! (I gave Caleb 350, so I'm “up” to 15$ extra that I've paid him. NOT, mind, that I expect any favours, but... it's all OK. Hopefully he'll be available for future stuff. Thankfully, the ONLY thing that I have on my list of “needs” that he says he CAN do is the under-coating... but he prefers to do that in better weather so I'll just make sure to wash the under-carriage during the Winter.) And so... I returned to the shit-hole a happy camper. - I've just finished up-dating my “spread-sheet” of the costs with the truck. (Shall we talk “Bull-shit”? I forgot that I had one done and I started another... and the fucking soft-ware kept CRASHING! BUT... I saved the “new” one and up-dated the established one. Please be seated... With-out including insurance... I paid 2995,00, I've put in 3538,11!!!! I could have had a complete set of dentures for that much money! But the “value” of the truck is now up to 6533,11... almost the “book value”... last I checked. It's about the dentures though. I'm sure that if I could eat properly, I wouldn't be having all these “health” issues. But never mind. The important thing is to be able to roll out of here... when “the time comes”.) AND SO... There we have it. New brakes now. The gauge cluster should be next... when I get to removing it, I suppose. It's OK for now though. It works. That's the important matter. - And so... this evening, “meal” was a rum-and-Coke with what HLS calls “Turkey Pot Pie” which is veggies and turkey with “biscuits” on top. I had “2 biscuits” and a little bit of the “turkey” stuff. Honestly, not enough food, but she asked and I said I was fine with what I'd had. - And the evening rolled on... WARMLY... THE SNOW IS MELTING LIKE INSANITY OUT THERE TONIGHT! THE DRIVE IS VISIBLE ALREADY... GRASS! INCREDIBLE! Current temperature is 5! (But it's going down to -5 during the day on Monday night and we'll be down to -12 by Tuesday.) - OH... when I got back from the mechanic... there was a fire in the wood-stove! “I needed a fire because it was a little cold in here.” I actually said “No, you needed a fire because I brought wood in.” She denied... I know the truth. Had I not brought the wood in, there'd've been no fire. She truly believes I'm a damned retard. - Moving along... - She's been waiting for her Mr. Dimballs to come toddling down with the rent! I mentioned: Saturday was the 1st, Sunday is the 2nd... tomorrow is Monday... a business day when banques are open. I'm thinking how it actually works in the “real world”. Well... Mr. Dimballs left at about 20.00, supposedly to return his kids and she left the porch light (because the out-side light is busted now) on... to let him know that she's here. Alas... he returned round about 21.00 and... nope... didn't come to pay the rent. She's NOT “happy”. Sad bit? If she goes to work tomorrow on her regular schedule, she'll miss him when he gets in from work. She'll have to wait until Thursday (which, I'm to understand, is when she'll be coming in with a fucking “Christmas” tree)! I just hope he doesn't come down to give ME the money because I'm NOT getting into THAT aspect of this place. It's NOT worth the accusations, should there be any... and I've no doubt there will/would/could/might be... knowing these shit-bags round here. - OK. So that's that for this. - I'm not looking forward to trying to sleep tonight... clothed, again. But I'll give it a try. Either Monday or Tuesday, I'll head up to Cowansville to SAQ to get HLS a few bottles of wine that I know she'll most likely enjoy... “Holiday” gifts. - And... Sun-down Sunday night... CHANUKAH! (It was announced on TV this evening... and HLS heard it... and mentioned it... and... that's as far as it's going to go.) - And now... ladies and gentlemen... to close Sunday... roll into Monday morning... hit a little soc.med. for schitzengiggles and off to a NAP! (Oddly, I'm not really tired... of course. All day I've been arse-dragging. But the thought of the pain of being in bed...)
Mon.03.Dec: 0.36 ***** CHANUKAH DAY 1 ***** (BFD) - OK. - 1.54 Trying the back brace and “jammies” tonight for the “nap”. Let's see how it works. (And a “nap” is all I'm going to hope for.) - 9.36 Was “up” with the 7.30 alarm which I turned off and waited for the 8.00 alarm which I heard and turned off and laid in the bed... after a pain-free night of sleep with one exception which was to get up and pee once and then went back to bed sleeping on my left side as opposed to my right side which I tried just to see if it would relive the pain in my neck and it really didn't because it merely moved the pain from being centred on the left side to across my neck from side-to-side but the most important point being... I slept through the night! I don't know why, but that back-brace thing has worked to relieve the spams for the second night in a row. Let's see what happens tonight then. Indeed. - And so, by about 8.40-something, I finally got up and out of bed, had a bottle pee, mostly to see the colour. It's a bit darker than I'd like, but not too bad. I wonder if the vinegar doesn't have something to do with that... perhaps stripping crud from the kidney? One might never know... not that one is too particularly concerned about the matter. Had my first coffee, got dressed, out to the porch in the “warm” breezes for first smoke and then... to the kitchen (to be “civil”, which is ALWAYS a mistake here) for a bit of a chat with HLS as she ate her cereal and was pre-occupied with matters of showing me where “they” were in Ottawa and with what-ever “the man” across the street is doing in front of the old Dick Wright's. (I don't know, don't care.) - Meanwhile, out-side, there's grass and lawn to be seen, and water, water every-where... with quite a bit of residual snow left but it's warm enough for everything to be melting... until tonight when the temperatures return to “-10”, tah-dah. - So... Day II of Chanukah. BFD. Just another day. (It bothers me, admittedly, that “Christmas” will be shoved in my existence - again - with tree and merriments... even now, the “Advent Wreath” is being prepped on the kitchen table... but, being the loving-lovely “Christian”... not a mention of Chanukah. Oh well... it's not as if I'm not accustomed to such. - One doesn't care because one can't care because if one DID care one would become annoyed over something one really can't change and what doesn't matter much anyway because, as 'tis spoke: One can't fix stupid. - Time to roll... I've got a “real” annoyance to deal with this morn... the fucking “collection” office in Arcade, and the 5$ “pay-off” which probably won't remain at 5$ and ... well... as all things in Life are: Good whilst it lasted. - DECEMBER! WTF? - 18.01 and she's off and gone... to a “dinner” in St.Albans and then to work. We sat, had an egg-nog and rye whilst the tortiere baked... that went out the door. (No prob... it's pork.) And the house goes into “settle”. - Mr. Dimballs paid the rent and I got 100 out of it. “To help with the truck.” In ordinary times, I'd've declined the offer. But these aren't “ordinary”. Not to mention... there are things that I can buy for the house with it, so it'll go back... one way or another. Oh well. Fine. Better that way. - Oddly, I have to say that I'm not “comfortable” with the being in the house... “alone” tonight. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the weather's gone “crisp” tonight. What-ever. - Bad news: Mr. Dimablls' daughter will be moving in with. Here we go again... I should certainly hope NOT! But “time” will tell. - And now... I suppose I've little-to-no choice but to find something to put into my old body... in the line of “nourishment”. Only to avoid “complications”. I'd rather have a few more drinks but I don't really dare... not here, not now. Alas. Oh well. - We roll on... “Kadima”... and shit. - 23.46 and quite later than I'd like but... I'VE SHOWERED! SCRUBBED as a matter of fact... WITH ALGEMARIN! OO! NICE! Tossed the jammies in a “quick” cycle with Lysol. CLEAN ME! Pillow cases too. And for “meal” when HLS left, the left-over salmon and risotto, followed by heft ice cream. (I've also just had my vinegar, 6 tsp. and fresh water.) Why so late? Because I tarted a fire in the stove and rather lounged about for a bit. No prob. I don't really care. - It's gone “CRISP” out there, with a light cover of new snow. - Hopefully tomorrow will be “nice” weather. I'd like to get to SAQ and Walmart, if at all possible. And I realised tonight... I NEED TO GET THE SYRUP OUT IN THE POST! What I actually get done this week will be quite a surprise because, quite frankly, I don't really “want” to do anything at all. I'd like to travel a bit... but I've no place that I want to go TO. Isn't THAT odd? Me? No “destination”. VERY unusual. Seriously. When I think about it, I don't want to go to the Hudson Valley. I don't want to go to the Shongum. I don't want to go to the Catskills. I don't want the hassle of going to Montréal. Gee... I'm changing something quite strangely. Oh well. So be it. - So now, as the “skin stuff soaks in”, a quick toddle through the soc.med. and away we go... to lights out and hopefully (with back-brace on), a night of sleep. - Oh... too, I posted my “loan rehab agreement” today. (Still waiting for the medical papers though.) Let's see how THAT ends. I've no doubt it won't be favourable in the long run, but at least I tried... I made an effort and what-ever comes of it? If wrong? FTW... the ENTIRE W! - Off to ... what-ever. - PS: Sent a photo of Minou at the wood-stove earlier tonight. Got a reply... “Yes....” and all about the job. As if I give a shit about her job. Hunee? I went through shit... and haven't worked since... because I made more effort than most others. I don't have what might be necessary to give shits about others and their “work-related bull-shit”. No sorry.
Tue.04.Dec: (Chanukah Day 2) 1.24 It's a bit chilly in here tonight... might have to put the thermostat up in addition to the radiator and the now-dwindling wood-stove. - Anyway... rough night on Minds. Apparently many of us are being “censored” there now too. This world... it'll be a delight to leave it behind. - Now? Time for last smoke. - By 8.22 (now) the “morning routine” is done! I crawled out of bed after a sleep-through night (imagine that) at about 8.13... not willingly, mind you. I'm really quite tired. But, at some hour of this morning, Minou came to perform “BED CHECK!” (It's the only way I can think of it... barging into the room and calling me. Ah... “the good old days”... fuck.) Woke me and I laid there, half awake until the 7.30 alarm sounded, at which point, I turned it off and laid there until the 8.00 alarm sounded, and I laid there until I figured I may as well get up, and so I did. - I'm tired. My neck still hurts. But breakfast is served, coffee had, pee'ing all round, and my clothes are in the washer. The skies are grey. The temperature is chilled, there are “flocons” in the air. And I'm hoping, perhaps, to be out on the road in about... 3 hours or so. “Holiday shopping” on the agenda. Let's see how that al turns out. We'll not know until end of day. - But, I will the thankful for a night of “nap”. I will be thankful for that much. - Oh... I'd put the thermostat up to 73F before going to bed last night/this morning... the house is nice and warm! How wonderful. (It's down to 70F now... because, well, I know, too well, the horrors of the sound of the furnace... and the oil... rushing out into flames... and the cost on the bill to follow.) - OK. Done. Lettuce roll. - 8.34 Now, for some reason, I can't type on Minds this morning! It's all just too suspicious of late... social media. The silencing of voices. I'm cynical, yes, but even more suspicious! (Obviously, I can type here.) - 10.18 I THOUGHT I'd be ready to roll by 10.00. HAH! What I'd LIKE to do is take a NAP! Spent this morning on soc.med. What a farce! Posts disappear. Links to posts don't function. Information vanishes. These are mysterious times, to put it mildly. And I'm a touch hungry, but there's really nothing appetizing. Clothes are clean. Fresh out of the dryer. The house is “mildly comfortable”. Out-side is mildly chilled. And I've no ambition. The roads? Here, they appear fine. But... I don't know. Forecast says “sun” later. I think I'll just wait. I can always go this after-noon... I suppose. - 12.12 and just up from an hour's nap... off to Hoovering, mopping and then? What-ever. Still not too sure about travelling. Stupid really. The roads appear clear and I should go. We shall see. No particular rush... at this time. - 13.53 Showered and almost dressed and I'm off to Cowansville... if the truck will take and return me. VIN! (Absinthe is ENTIRELY TOO DEAR for today's adventure! 50-120$CAD per bottle for something I'm not sure I'll enjoy, shouldn't be consuming at this point in time, and although I'd “share”... at that price, sharing becomes a bit tedious... and storage is “finicky” so... maybe some other time... like in NEW YORK!) For now... off we toddle into the cold... but there's a touch of blue sky and sun-shine so....) - 19.29 On the road at 14.30... back at the hole at 18.00!!!! Crossing at W.Berkshire was “odd”... the guy looked as if he was afraid of something (the NRA sticker... no doubt... morons). Asked WHY I was going to Cowansville... not just “why” but “WHY?”. Then noticed the little “stuff bag” (my ID, &c.) on the front seat and asked what was in it. Didn't bother to check anything though. It was just his “tone” that annoyed me. Anyway... made it to SAQ. They didn't have the “Phenix” wines that I wanted, nor the “maple” wine. The guy was kind enough to look. I'd've had to go up to Farnham... I opted to not. Bought 4 bottles, spending 61,40! 2 “Wililam” (Rouge/Blanc) and 2 St.Jacquies (Rouge/Blanc). I believe that's not a bad “gift”... More than I'm sure she spent last year (but I didn't really spend more than about 20US for her... No matter.) Then over to Walmarde for another 67,55! Biotene for hair, K2 for blood, laundry detergent, fucking nasty pillow cases (two), more apple cidre vinegar (MUCH cheaper there than at Metro)... stuff. AND... I was on the way back to “the States” as it was getting dark. Crossing back, never mentioned the wines, didn't have to. Quick, quick, snap, snap... and at W.Berkshire! Drove down the State Park Rd. to Stanley and into Enosbrugh where I checked Fam.Doll. for a rug... nothing. Hannaford's for 2 coffees, egg-nog, bread, butter, stuff... then to Doll.Gen. to check for a rug... nothing and on to Mobil because I had a quarter tank left! Gave the gal the 100 from HLS, asked for 60$ on the pump... 52$ only! Got my change and rolled back to the hole! Day and errands DONE! (Just as the pillow cases are done in the dryer too.) - Back at the “home”, got dinner for the little ones who all but DANCED when I walked in. Poor things... in a dark house. I had the rest of the “pot-pie” stuff for “meal”... and now, have balanced accounts, still have “something” left, gladly. - BUT TOMORROW I HAVE TO GET TO CALEB! THE BRAKES JUST SINK INTO THE FLOOR AT RED LIGHTS! VERY NOT-COMFORTABLE! WE SHALL SEE. HOPEFULLY IT'S NOT A LEAK IN THE FUCKING LINE! - Time to roll along... the night is getting later and there are things to do round here. - 22.19 Showered (again... 2nd time today but... it's good for my hair... cleaning off the “BHT” or what-ever it is that makes it disappear). In my jammies. Fire in the stove. House is calm. Night is CRISP! Tomorrow... no post office: they're closed to “mourn the passing of GHW Bush”... hypocrites! Garbage day though. - Earlier, was on “Minds”... and WOW! My posts are disappearing, comments can't be accessed, and this morning, I tried to type a comment and it locked my key-board... though I could type locally. Looks like the world of “Social Media” is dying. This world is so pathetically fucked-up any more. Good time to be “old”. - Anyway, just had my vinegar. Time for “last smoke” and to finish the 2nd book from Plattsburgh. Only abut a page and a half left. Should find another... But not until the brakes are fixed properly on the truck! - Thinking of heading to Walmarde tomorrow... I want a rug for this room, because I'd like to use my afghan on the bed but don't dare with this rug on the floor. If I could get a nice light beige... I'd some-how “fumigate” the carpet on the floor already, more than just spraying Lysol on it as I've been doing, put down the “new” rug and put my afghan on the bed. The bad thing though: the house has box-alder bugs... there was one on Minou's pillow this evening (it went into the wood-stove... the bug, not the pillow). Last night, one on the lamp over the table. Probably in the fire-wood. Oh well. So, new rug, nice blanket, less radiator, comfy me, maybe no leg cramps(?) (I should only hope). - Time to toddle. There's a “day” ahead. Hopefully a productive one. - Have to note: Today, I've generally felt a LOT better than I've felt in MONTHS! The vinegar? The vit.K? I don't know, really. Now, if only I could get rid of the stiff-pain in my neck (which I attribute to my horrid teeth). Fine. As has been said: If I wake one morning with-out any pain, I'll know, for certain, I died the night before. - 23.27 And off to bed... back brace on.
Wed.05.Dec: (Chanukah Day 3 - another holiday passes...) 9.18 Slow start to a partially sunny morning. Up at 8.09 to the “morning routine” and another crisp one. But a night of “sleep-through”, thankfully. Not feeling “poorly”, not feeling “great”. But better than some, worse than others. Wondering if the garbage will be picked-up and... in spite of all claims to the contrary... there's no garbage at curb-side from up-stairs. Oh well. - Down to almost NO kitty litter in the box. I'll NOT buy more of that. It's cheaper at Costco, and I'm NOT driving all the way down to Colchester for that. I'm tired of the “no responsibility”, and the whining about the bills for other things that are given away, flitty-titty round here. - But, the “new day” has begun and there are “responsibilities” to self that have been deferred. - Have to ring Caleb. Probably won't see him until the week-end anyway. - Oh... today “national day of mourning” for the Bush. Govt. closed. PO closed. Odd... nobody had a “day of mourning” when my Mother died. I simply don't give a shit. - Time to roll. Minou's beside me as I type... there's something that “requires attention”... Him? Luvbug. - 13.03 Heading out to Walmarde in search of rug. - Sent a text to Dennis. He's at his Aunt's wake. Rang Ev. Left a message. Rang Caleb. Left a message. Re-started the wood-stove. Put the garbage out this morning and sent a “photo” of kitty litter to HLS (hint). And now? Feeling like I'd rather nap but... there's “flocons” falling. Off I go. Have to go via Whoregate... but it's less mileage so... - 22.16 The floors are done, the dishes are done, I'm getting ready for a shower and... AND... I got back from Walmarde with a 5x7ft RUG! A touch darker than I wanted and a touch smaller than I actually needed but IT'S ON THE FLOOR! It breaks the cold, ugly, nasty blue, though the blue shows at both doors (which isn't really all too bad because it give me a place to wipe my feet before touching the new one). AND it was 19,88... and I wasn't going to pay any more than 20! SO... with a little MORE of the 100 from HLS I bought a box of 4 new bulbs for the bath-room at 4,97 and she's got new bulbs! AND I was back in the house by just past 15.00! Imagine THAT! And I browsed in Walmarde too! So... Putting the rug down was a bit more than I'd expected, but the boxes against the wall are re-stacked now too. So I suppose it's all well. And I found my duster. It had slipped behind the wall mirror. Imagine that. Of course it did... because I'd put it on top of the mirror. BUT... when I went to dust the cobwebs round the hole here, I had to wash it... TWICE! FILTH! Not to mention the “texture” on the hall walls. She got taken... yet again, with THAT 3 grand job. Oh well... Often, in life, we get what we deserve... and she got it there. I've no sympathy. - “Meal” today was 3 franks on bread, ice cream. Not much, but enough to kill an appetite. And after? Lounging for a touch... not much though because of the floors and cleaning. - Now... for the HORRIBLE NEWS: THE ROCKER COVERS ARE ROTTING AWAY! THE RUST IS ALL COMING BACK THROUGH! THEY LOOK REALLY BAD! THERE'S WORK THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE ON THOSE! AND ONCE THE WEATHER TURNS BETTER... THERE'S A COUPLE THOUSAND BUCKS IN THERE! I'm going to have to start putting money aside for that... because I can't do what needs to be done: rockers and cab corners! FUCK! In addition to finding a place to go to reside! (I found a beautiful set of flat-ware today... 40$. I was so tempted and then I thought: “For what? For how long? I'll probably NEVER get to use them anyway... with all the shit that's gone wrong with this old body.” Yeah... It's come to that. So, I may as well invest in the truck instead... Selling it will cover my “disposal”. I've reached that age. - And so... but so... there's a nice floor covering, giving a bit more insulation to this room. I'd wanted to cover the whole floor, take out my afghan. This isn't that. But it's a bit better... a bit. At least I can step off the bed and not wonder what I'm stepping on. (Oh... I almost soaked the carpet under the rug with Lysol too... just in case of critter-shit and such.) - So now? This day is done! There's a fire in the stove, the furnace is still set at 70F though. I'll have to cut that down before going to bed. - No book to read before sleep tonight. And tomorrow? There's going to be a fucking tree to be dragged in. Fuck. What-ever. (At least she bought kitty litter... so she said.) - “Life”... goes on as the snow returns. (I'm just pre-occupied with the rockers... fuck. Not that I did such a grand job “repairing” them... but at least the truck's inspected through December... 2019... giving me a bit of “time” to get things together. Right.)
Thu.06.Dec (Chanukah 4) : 0.45 JUST finishing soc.med.! SHIT! - SHOWER!!!! - 1.22 Showered. Thermostat returned to 65F (it's going to be a cold morning... when I get up!). Bath-room tidied. As if I'd never been here (except for the fact that the house is “clean” for a change... but she'll be here Thursday and Friday... MORE than plenty of time to fuck it all up again). And there's another piece of wood in the stove. Tomorrow WILL be chilled in the house. I don't care. Let HER feel the cold for a change (though she'll never admit to it). - The truck is still in the drive by the phone shed and I'll move it if the spirit to do so moves me to do so. - Just in from last smoke. It's over-cast and cold out there. Snow tomorrow again. I should (could) return the empties I have stashed in the room here. I'll see how I feel about it during the day. (I'll need a nap, no doubt, at some point.) - Well? That's that for this. - 8.33 and another day commenced at 8.12 because I shut off the 7.00 and 7.30 alarms and “snoozed” thrice on the 8.00. But breakfast has been served, the little ones were out and in and the fire, re-started in the wood-stove, coffee and smoke are done... along with, of course, the morning pee. And my left nostril (same side as the pain in my neck) is bleeding as I blow my nose. Oh what a beautiful morning... What-ever. There's snow on the back walk. And I thought I had things to be done today... well... I DO, actually. There's the light fixture out-side that needs repair, and I'd like to get that shelf in the kitchen window for the plants so Minou can snooze on his little “cage” there. Those letters to Donna and Debbie need writing so the syrups can be put in the post. Gee, I wonder how much (if anything) will get done. I just wonder. And when she rolls in, HLS will be hauling a fucking tree. Oh... “things”... to be done. I'd like to go right back to bed... to sleep... until “the second coming”. Alas. - Never mind. - 11.06 Walk cleared. Truck moved. Post in. Floor mopped. Fire in stove. I'd've repaired the light fixture on the walk but I can't find the circuit breaker and so, in the chill and damp, I'm not going to bother. And so, as far as I'm concerned... day's work is done. Letter-writting to follow (a tranche of toast and mayhaps, a snooze). - 16.19 THREE-HOUR SNOOZE! Yes, I'd set an alarm for AN hour, and yes, I heard it when it sounded, and yes, I turned it off, and yes, I “dozed” a bit... a bit... for the past TWO HOURS! Oh well.. tough shit... Don't care. Must've needed it. So there. Moving along. - What actually woke me up was (is) the STOMPING about the fucking house! That old thing doesn't know how to walk on floors... Even HALLIE walks lighter and with more politeness! (Although... perhaps she's upset? There's a 6ft tree in the truck and a “42lb” something of kitty litter in there as well. She'd mention both when she got in, and yes, I could just barely see the top of the tree sticking out of the back end of the truck - because she left it open when she came into the house. But... there's ONE THING I WILL NOT DO, AND THAT'S MAKE MY PAIN ANY WORSE... AND I'M NOT HEARING ANY SUGGESTIONS OF “HELP” WITH ANY OF IT! I DID hear “I took it from the shelf to the cart and from the cart to the truck” with reference to the kitty litter... YEAH? GUESS WHAT? *I* DON'T SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT AND HAVE BEEN IN PAID WITH MY BACK FOR ALMOST TWO FUCKING MONTHS. I DON'T TODDLE TO A FUCKING DOCTOR EVERY TIME I HAVE A TWINGE... AND I DON'T HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE... I ALSO HAVE A 2000$ BILL SITTING HERE FOR *ONE* TRIP TO THE ER BECAUSE I WAS CONCERNED I MIGHT DIE, LEAVING YOUR HOUSE AND PETS ALONE.... AND I DON'T HEAR ANY SUPPORT FOR ANY OF THAT. SO... unless there's a mention of assistance... GO FUCK YOURSELF IN A CORNER... OR EVEN ON MAIN STREET, IF YOU PREFER. I'M NOT PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH ANY MORE HELL! YOUR SNOW WAS SHOVELLED, GARBAGE PUT TO CURB... ETC. FUCK THE ACTUAL FUCK THE FUCK OFF!) - And then there's the issue of today's post (which got brought in before she arrived). SHE received a notice of an “increase” of 2,8% effective net month. I've just calc'ed... since the usual 15% will be stripped from mine, should I receive any at all:
Orig Soc.Sec: 1031.00
- 15% 154.65
= 876.35
28.86 = 2.8%
+ 1031.00
= 1059.86
- 15% 158.98
= 900.88 (increase of 24.53)
Of course, there'll be an addition 5,00 removed for the so-called “Re-hab” to that will leave me with 895,88 from which I can remove 880, which is 20 more than I've become accustomed to. So I suppose... what-ever. Granted, if the “increase” is to be effective as of January, I won't see it until February... which gives even MORE opportunity for even MORE to be ripped from me. But... we shall see when the time comes. I haven't even received any notice of any “increase” as of yet. (I'm not hoping for nor planning on any such a thing. I'm not THAT completely useless, mentally.) - 22.03 THE SYRUPS ARE PACKED FOR TOMORROW'S POST! AT LAST! ENFIN! - Earlier though... the furnace didn't go on and even HLS noticed the chill in the house. I went down to check the furnace... none of the lights were on, but the circuit breaker was fine. She rang McCuins' and had a tech scheduled to come check it. I went about hauling fire-wood in for the night. Then, she got up, went to the basement door and checked the “emergency” switch... I'd turned it off when I went to check the circuit breaker for the out-side light! (ME! Oh well! Another “joke” that will carry long into the future.) - Actually, I tend to be a touch concerned: I'm not “thinking properly” of late... silly little things mostly. But, I'll blame this on the nose-bleed of this morning.
Fri.07.Dec (Chanukah 5): 0.31 Let's hope that 3-hour nap of “yesterday” suffices.... - 0.54 Vinegar and last smoke. Time for another “nap”. My right leg is giving me a bit of trouble. Let's see how the night goes. - It's actually snowing out there right now. The tail-gate on HLS's truck is open. She just let's things roll along. Should be interesting later. She mentioned getting the tree from the truck (and “helping” with the 42lbs of kitty litter). Indeed... to be seen. Well, at least the furnace is running tonight. - 8.37 and a night of... well... at one point, I got up to pee and... DIDN'T TAKE THE TOP OFF THE BOTTLE! I don't believe that TOO much went splattering, but there's a “trace” of “odour” in the room. So... more cleaning that will have to be done... and of course, a bit (I'm sure) went on the new rug... of course... fuck me. - Anyway... was up at 7.48 after hitting the “off” on the 7 and 7.30 alarms. I'd heard HLS fucking about with the wood-stove and thought: she just keeps stuffing wood into that thing, won't be satisfied with the heat of embers... and there goes all the wood. A quick check of the forecast and... in degrees “F”, Sunday will be minus 4. I took a screen-cap and sent it to HLS. (I sat with her at table just now, when she saw it... even in pictures... it doesn't quite register. Honestly! It's exasperating!) - The windows up-stairs are to be replaced today... thankfully the snows of last night have passed ... not falling, but present. Let's see how THAT works out. - And me? The usual... left side of face and neck are sore, painful. BUT... for the most part, I slept through the night (morning). Not feeling particularly “sprite” this morning... but I just can't be bollocksed and I can't give a shit about any of it. We move along.... - 9.29 Knowing that the “window folks” were to come at about 9.30... she heads, at about 9.15, to the shower... and at about 9.25 the “window people” arrive, knocking on the back door... as I sit, soc.med., ignoring the knocks... suddenly, the loo door opens and the stomping proceeds across the floor. I'm taking NO “responsibility” for her “irresponsibility” and quite frankly... they ALL can eat shit, rot slowly... but kindly do so out of my “life”. - Second coffee done. I'm tired. Need the loo... no patience... in a bit of pain. Waiting for word from Caleb about repairing the repairs to the truck and other things. As the day progresses, my patience dwindles... my annoyance with the world increases... here we go. - 13.28 AND... THE WALK LIGHT IS REPAIRED: a simple matter of reconnecting one wire, a bit of tape and the cap. Indeed, a job much longer due to the cold but it's DONE! The syrups are posted... 9,85 to Dorothy but these came to 11,75 each! Yeah... there's a bit of “something” going on there but it doesn't pay to argue the matter. The tree is on the front porch (with 2 of us carrying it), litter is in the kitchen (me, of course). I strolled up to ask Davie for the wood for the kitchen shelf... his “work-bench” is covered under stuff so it's going to be a while (I'll probably find it all on my own sooner). BUT THE NEWS DU JOUR? THAT PLACE UP-STAIRS IS A FUCKING DUMP! FOOD ON THE COUNTERS, CLOTHES TOSSED ALL OVER AND *TWO* MONTHS' OF GARBAGE ON THE BACK PORCH! PIZZA BOXES, BAGS... AS I SAID “GRISOLMS... 4 FOR 4”. SHE'S SUCH A COMPLETE SHIT! BUT SHE GETS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DESERVES IN LIFE! *MY* RESPONSIBLITY IS TO IGNORE IT ALL AND LET “KARMA” DO WHAT “KARMA” DOES. (This place is going to be crawling, come the warmer weather... I NEED NEED NEED to get OUT AND AWAY!) - And now, I need a bit of a nap. Really. - The fellows are still here, working on installing the new windows up there. Ah well... Vermont... no rush. - I've got a couple of “items” on my own list, but a nap is more important... after I've done my coffee here (with a tranche of bread). Giving a shit about this place is useless. “Trash”... that's all they really are, essentially... just plain “trash”. Oh well. - 17.46 AS IF BY DIVINE INTERVENTION... THE WINDOW-INSTALLERS LEFT BEHND “SCRAP” PINE BOARDS THAT WERE ALMOST CUT-TO-ORDER IN SIZE! I happened to wake from my nap just in time to see them toss the wood into the snow, so I put my boots on and trodded out to gather it! Yep... HLS was out for a stroll as I began working on the shelf for the kitchen window! Got my drill out and everything and was JUST finishing it up as she returned. Imagine THAT! It's done. DONE! - Ah... but THEN... she was involved with another tortiere for her “church” meeting tonight when... THE PROPANE WENT OUT! NO STOVE. NO OVEN. AND... ON THE COLDEST NIGHTS THUS FAR, WITH MINUS 4F AND MINUS 14F AS THE “CHILL”... NO HEATER IN THE KITCHEN PANTRY! (Not to mention, PRECIOUS LITTLE FIRE-WOOD!) SO! What does she do? Wraps the pie up, into a basket and out the door... to Jesus she goes. AND... the kitchen is an absolute MESS! Flour all over, dishes on the floor, wooden spoon, paper towels, she'd let the dog lick the dishes... It's a fucking health hazard in this place! Me? I got to taking all the neck-ties off the wall in “my” little room (which, it occurred to me today, is nothing but a “Storage Unit”... funny, because I'd wondered if I could actually reside in one, when I had the unit in Queens... now I know... Yes, it's possible) and packed them all in a box which is now on the shelf in the white room. - Quite “interesting” to think: there's a 36-year-old “millennial” fellow up-stairs... THAT place is a fucking mess too! As if he expects somebody else to come in, attend to the dirty laundry piled on the dryer up there... TWO MONTHS'-WORTH of GARBAGE, including pizza boxes, tossed into the porch, filthy laundry on his bed-room floor... the room I painted. The panels for the kitchen ceiling light are exactly where I'd left them. AND... AND... AND... HLS let the window installers take her phone up there AND... it's STILL UP THERE because she was too fucking lazy to go get it... AND... Mr. Dimballs is in now... with her phone! I almost hope he uses it to call Shanghai! MEANWHILE... I had some of the left-over mac'n'cheese whilst watching about 15 minutes of TV just now and my fork and dish are in the dish-washer. The kitchen sink is loaded with fucking-filthy dishes, the floor is a mess, the place is a general mayhem. And I'm not touching any of it. Early night to bed for me. She'll be rolling out the door tomorrow morning, rather early, to “go to work” (typed in whiny voice). I'm leaving EVERYTHING just as it is. She has time to party? I've helped with the fucking tree, fixing the light on the walk so she has light again, made the shelf, and what-ever. I'm NOT cleaning up her mess. She's HERE. It's HER mess. It's HER responsibility. And now, knowing that there's rotting garbage above me on the porch up there, which is my ceiling... I'm none too happy about the whole affair. Nope... If I have to keep to this room from now on... fine. It's time to set-up a little “cooking” area of sorts. I can get my kettle out, make a space on the table, and go back to Ramen noodles. They served well for the years at 5225. I'll certainly make do with it again. - I DID glean the flats on-line today. There's one in Rouses Point and a couple in Champlain. Now all I need to do is get the money. - Which is another point of contention: the brakes on the truck! Still no word from Caleb and I'm rather pissed about that as well. I'm really not accustomed to all this shirking of “personal responsibility”. Nor the consideration for any-one other than “self”. I mean... she rolled out of here saying “I'll call on Monday” for more propane. Yeah? Great! I'll be burning your oil in your absence if need be (or... maybe just letting the pipes freeze, which they might do tonight or tomorrow night... no hot water in the kitchen... tough shit sister... just like you got what you deserve with the trash you rented to up-stairs... and the potential vermin that will come with it... you'll get frozen plumbing as well... and I don't give a shit. I've survived worse.) - And so... it's only about 18.00 and I'm tired again. Time to wind-down for the night. I'm done... MIC DROP! - 19.20 Off the soc.med. The house is chilling in-side and just in from a smoke and hearing the house “snap” with the cold. Hallie and Minou are snoozing. The place is still a mess and I'm going to get into bed. I've had more than my fill of bull-shit here for a day. I've done much (again) for this place... for nothing... but the constant abuse. Time to rest. Just had my vinegar. Hopefully I'll just fall asleep soon and stay asleep through the night. Tomorrow is... another day of abuse and disrespect. It's a burden... tiring... exhausting. - 19.50 Just changed and added the “default” ring-tone for calls to the 988 number to an “android” tune that's much more pleasant. I wish I could to it for the 518 number as well but... skype... won't let me. - Anyway... day is done. -
Sat.08 Dec: (Chanukah 6) 8.43 I heard the 7.00 alarm and turned it off and dozed until the 8.00... and, knowing that the place is me and the little ones... didn't get out of the bed and rolling until just now. Yep... HLS is gone. So too, Mr. Dimballs. A quick check of the météo... MINUS 4F! Imagine DAT! WOOHOO! Icicles on the hoo-hahs this morning! - A quick trot to the kitchen... there's just a bit of fire left in the stove, and the rest of the house is a bit “chilled”. But in all fairness, I DO keep it rather warm in this little room. I don't DARE let it get “cool” in here, especially when the temperatures out there are so low! The cold will come up through the floor and I'll NEVER be able to get it out of here. - Anyway... I've got things I want to get done this morning... whilst I have the house available... washing and organising and the likes. Coffee and RUN! - 10.48 IMAGINE THIS: I GOT TWO SHELVES UP ON THE WALLS, “TIDIED” THE AREA AT THE FOOT OF THE BED, WASHED MY CLOTHES, GOT A FIRE IN THE STOVE, WASHED MINOU'S LITTLE QUILT... AND ALL IN JUST ABOUT 2 HOURS. NOW... SECOND COFFEE AND THEN TO PUT SHIT ON THE SHELVES OUT OF MY WAY. Need to shower before dressing and to wash jammies because I sense a “foul odour” about me this morning. What-ever. - The kitchen is a bit neater than it was when I last saw it last night. I had to send a message to HLS asking if the little ones had had breakfast. I sense a curtness to her reply of: “yes sorry I didn't leave a note but I guess-9 was more than I could think of at the time” with a “sticker” of a smiling cat, thumbs up and the word “YES!” (Yes, I suppose -9F was a bit more than your gnat-brain could handle... AND the fact that your kitchen was a fucking mess when you got back in last night after having a wonderful time... and I was already in bed... at about 21.00. Fuck you and happy holiday - for me - and “Shabbat shalom” - for me... fuck you.) - And so... another day... The sun is BRILLIANT out there and I see on the porch, the temperature is up to about plus 11F. Warming up a tad touch bit. Winter still hasn't arrived. But the fire is going in the stove. I'll have to bring in more wood as I settle me through the day. And the arrangement of shit by the window is better now and more light comes in. That's nice. - AND... I'm just going to have to work on not giving a shit about up-stairs. At least I know that the garbage on that porch isn't over this room... it's on the extension that goes out over where the garbage usually is (out-side my window). And oh... the phone... she did, in fact, leave her phone up there. I'm not going up to get it, to be sure. If she wants to play her “timid” games... so be it. She's not “timid” about telling people that I've “verbally abusive” and NOT telling them that her house is maintained. She's not “timid” about reminding me that SHE pays the bills around here. She's not “timid” about leaving no propane for the stove or the other heater (the old “Maryrose” heater is in the pantry this morning... that thing is absolutely worthless). VERY easy to be “not timid” with me... But then again, I'm not “her people”. I've resolved to leave the kitchen and the rest of the house as it is. She'll attend to it as she sees fit. (Let's see if she intends “entertaining” for HER holidays... and how the place looks for that.) - OK.... Time to roll along here. There are things *I* want to do with this day... primarily... clean ME. - 12.10 and where did the day go? Oh well... the shelves are “in order” for the moment. The room is Hoovered. The little ones are out. The temperature is up to about 18F. And I'm off to the shower! I'm in “hyper-drive” at the moment. Hungry too, but there's nothing in the place to eat. I ha the same trouble when I woke at about 22.00 last night, sitting on the bed, trying to figure what I wanted to do with the time. By 23.00 I was back under the covers. Nothing to eat. No way to prepare anything on the stove. May as well just roll with it all. (It's rather like Saturday's in the Shelter... no food, “fasting”, money to buy food but not wanting to bother. Alas... the more things change, the more they stay the same.) - 13.37 INCREDIBLE! NON-STOP FROM THE MOMENT I STEPPED OFF THE BED! AND... THE ROOM IS IN ORDER... I showered, put jammies and towel in to wash, got dressed, hobbled to the post office where, along with NOTICE THAT I'M ON MEDICAID SINCE 1 NOVEMBER!!!, I got 4 “large” shipping and 4 “large flat-rate” boxes” and toddled back to the hole where I put the boxes together and “sorted” polo shirts and under-things (neat and tidy... for now... again), jammies into dryer, sherpa into wash. As I type, the jammies are on the bed, the towel is hanging, pillow-cases freshly laundered, sherpa in the dryer and... as far as I'm concerned with ANYTHING in this shit-hole... ALL is IN ORDER! (Until next binge, anyway.) I'm having the left-over bread I bought with butter and honey. It'll probably be all that I eat all day today. But that's fine. I'm just pleased with me right now... having moved along, non-stop, from since what? Let's call it 9.00 this morning. In a mere 4 hours, I've stuffed a full day's chores! (Of course, I can't compare to HLS... because that's no basis for comparison... It takes her 4 hours to formulate the requirements for a bowel movement.) But... to answer the Eternal Question: “What have ya done today to make ya feel proud?”, well, Ms. Heather Small... Have a look at this little storage unit I call “residence”. If ever there was a question as to whether or not one could actually take residence in a commercial storage unit... here's your answer... and I've made it “comfy”... almost suitable for entertaining. Oh... tah-fucking-dah, ME! - And so... now that this is done... I get to ponder what to do with the rest of the day! Nothing pressing that I can attend to today. I need wrapping for HLS's parcel. I need to return empty bottles. I do need water for the plants but there's really not enough time to get the snow, put it on the wood-stove and melt, bottle and clean the bowl. It can wait... for a little bit. I have the rest of the day to ME! (Maybe... MAYBE... I”ll take a NAP! I don't see why I shouldn't.) - 17.34 Message received from HLS: looking forward to coming in and having a drink and dinner. Oh yes? And WHO, does one presume, will be serving one? No stove on which to cook. Fire-wood diminishing. Thermostat set at 65F on the coldest day... and I'm, personally, tired now and going for a nap. - 20.00 Mashed potatoes, burger with mushroom gravy, peas. Rye and egg-nog (I snick a mix of rye & rum with egg-nog after too). She came in shortly after 18.00 as I was just drifting into a nap. All's well. She's asleep in the recliner. But, I had something to eat. Imagine. - There's another light snow falling now. Minou is beside the wood-stove. Hallie is in the living-room, on the floor beside the sofa. Me? I'm ready to go to bed. For the night? Probably not. - There was a “missed call” from Dennis earlier. It didn't ring. Accidental call? I don't know. But I'm not calling back. I'll wait and see. - The room is “settled”. I've nothing to do to keep me up for now. And the drink was a delightful change tonight. - I can't help but think: Once upon a time, on a night like this, I'd delight in going for a walk, singing some “Christmas” tune. I see the snow now and it's “normal”, “common”. I've no desire to sing. No desire to walk. And I don't even want to put the radio on because all they play is “Christmas” tunes. I used to look forward to them. Not any more. What happened? The world. Politics. Horrors. Humanity has gone to shit... utter shit. There's no “Peace On Earth” spirit any-where. And the reality is: I'm part of it. How? Why? “If you let it happen, it will.” is all I can think of. I'm allowing the “spirit” to be murdered. Sadly, I've no impetus to stop the “change”. I'm aware of the “change”. I don't like it. But I've just no cause to hold onto anything of “then”. I guess it's called “dying”... and by doing so, I'm killing what's to follow.... and I don't care any more. Oh well. Just... oh well. - In a little while, I'll be under the covers, putting the lights out on another day. “One more day behind me. How many are left? I don't know.” and I don't care, other than having just enough to get out of here... “HERE”... and away... so that I can drop dead... on “comfortable” territory... alone. - That's that. - But the room is in order. There's space to open the porch door. And that's all that really matters to me tonight. Oh... and I'm showered, my clothes and such are clean. It's come to this. I've “let it happen”. - 23.07 The room is “neat”, scented with cedar. I've had my vinegar and extra water. Tonight I'm going to try a night with-out the back brace. Let's see how that works out.
Sun.09.Dec (Chanukah 7): 8.28 and I slid out of the bed at 8.15 after a night of NO back brace and only ONE pee-break! Almost TWO MONTHS of “sleep-fear” and back brace and spasms. First night. (Now, if I could get rid of the pain in the neck, that would be nice. But I'll not force it. Take the blessings as they are bestowed.) - Grey. -6C. A light dusting of new snow on the world. And we get to look forward to hauling... HLS bought a new saw (not just the blade but the whole saw) to “trim the bottom of the tree”. We know who's expected to do that! Oh well. It's what I'm here for. It's why I breathe. Bloody tree. Oh well, indeed. - Agenda today? Nothing, really. It's going to be a “filler day”, finding things to do along the way. No prob. Surely there will be something. - But for now... moving along. - 11.08 and HLS is off on the road to get a little “Jesus”... last comment on her way out the door was about the fucking tree. But I've gotten my little morning chores done and ... - Still no word from Caleb about my brakes. I'm annoyed, to say the least. Not that I've any place to go to this morning or today. Tomorrow though... there are things I'd like to get to... and will use the truck anyway. As I said to HLS last eve: I'll use the truck and if anything goes wrong, there'll be a law-suit and my new home in NY to follow. - I'm at the “above tolerance” level of hypocrisy today: this “Christmas” bull-shit is gnawing at me. “Peace on Earth” and the rest of it. And all the while, the back-stabbing and lies, the utter useless shit that people actually are. Mum's words keep coming back to me: Don't be kind on Christmas if you're going to be a shit the rest of the year.” and all the “Jesus-selling”! Really? Jews and Muslims have no “idols”, no statues. And I just saw a “nativity set” on-line, “on sale” for a mere $35.900,00! MARKED-DOWN FROM $41.000,00! Ah... and alas. My days grow numbered less and less... and I “rejoice” more and more. - 15.31 Another 90-minute “nap” and upon waking, I thought I'd try the old Toshitter lap-top again... It didn't work AND the fucking plug came loose from the wall... BEHIND THE FUCKING BED! SO... the whole bed got pulled apart (mattress turned though), boxes all over the place... again... and all put back together... A-FUCKING-GAIN! But... it's done. And the day is going to utter waste. - Meanwhile, HLS is making Xmas cards in the kitchen and the place is a fucking disaster! No doubt the stove will be stuffed with paper again. But I've resolved: If she leaves it that way... when she rolls out of here tomorrow, the thermostat goes back up to 70F and the stove doesn't get used. Tough shit on the “palace”. - OH! The fucking tree is in the living-room too. Smells nice. Looks like shit. And yes, I had to cut the base off (it went into the stove). So there we have it. Now... says she, tomorrow or Wednesday (I believe she said Wednesday... I wonder if she's taking the day off from work... PLEASE, GOD, NO!) she'll decorate. Yeah... what-the-fuck-ever. - Right now, at the moment, I'm hungry. Nothing in the place to eat (for me). I'd rather “fast” to death than go into that kitchen for anything there and I'm NOT going to go out for anything either. So? So... Coffee. I don't care. - 17.37 Well... another day comes to a close and, quite frankly, I'm ready to close it and go to bed! Odd, how I don't have a desire to listen to music, don't have the patience to write letters, could read, but there's nothing to be read. Soc.med. is a mess of rants and raves by lunatics, bigots and general sludge. Gone are those pleasant days of corresponding and communicating. “Life” is dwindling away. Quite interesting. Though I did get to watch a documentary on the “deep sea” and how fisheries literally destroy so much of what's “down there”. I can't help but think: I've been right all along... human-kind has out-lived its purpose in Creation... time to step aside, become extinct, and let the next life-forms take control... perhaps repair or return it all to as it was intended... “humanless”. - What-ever. - Meanwhile, I stepped out into the house for a moment, to go pee... it's COLD, of course, and I dragged in bits of paper from the floor out there. This room might be “cluttered” with boxes, but it's clean, healthy, comfortable, and warm. She's a slob... much like the rest of them. She commented on the filth up-stairs when we went up to see the new windows being installed. Truth is, if not for me in residence, this part of the house would be identical. I've seen some pretty filthy places in my time on this Earth, but I've never seen so many as I've seen since coming to this shit-hole state. It's really quite amazing. And they all have the time to, at least, keep a place “tidy”, but they prefer to discuss the matter... as they sit about doing nothing but running little circles round themselves, be-moaning their “fate”. Yes, I do suppose I had to come here, to learn... and I've learnt. Now... as I worked to get out of the Shelter... I must work to get out of here. - Caleb... no calls, no messages, no responsibility. The brakes? On-line says it's either air in the line or the “master cylinder” (which worked fine until I had the new brakes installed). The cylinder is another 400$! Air in the line would be much easier. Tomorrow I'll check the brakes again with some errands into St.Albans for wrapping for HLS's “gift”, getting rid of empties and perhaps checking the “used book” shop on the main there. What-ever will be, will be. - For now? It's been another day of not eating, and, honestly, feeling the results. But, as usual, I give it no attention. There's money here to buy food but I refuse to piss my money away on the local store (which will be closed in about 10 minutes anyway). And I'm certainly not going to piss away the gas and time driving all the way into Enosburgh or St.A. for a “McFukkitz”. Tomorrow I shall eat... on the road... again. For tonight, I'll look for a way to pass the time until it's a “suitable” hour to retire. - 19.51 “Chinese” for “meal” and it's not settling well. But I know it's because of not eating all day and stuffing a “lot” of stuff into my gut at once. Oh well... it's something for this old body to work with. - HLS chatted with Pammie today, told her about Caleb who claims (so I'm told) that he didn't get my message. Ah yes? Oh well... it's what I refer to as “Vermont”. We'll see if/when I get a reply. Meanwhile, I've got errands tomorrow and I'll get those done anyway. - Meanwhile, the room is in order and I'm tired. Have to stay awake a while longer for the food to get through. HLS is on the royal recliner... snoozing. Tiny flocons falling out-side. Another day in the North. And as I had my smoke I thought: You don't necessarily like the Winters, but I DO like them MORE than I don't... and I wouldn't give this up for anything. - 22.54 Time to roll this day up and have done with it. - The room, I have to note, has the slightest fragrance of cedar... from all the spraying I've done on card-board boxes and the likes. It's a welcoming scent... in this little room. - Well? Tomorrow is Monday... and the shit shall re-commence. I believe I'll try to go to Enosburgh for the returns of empties and the wrapping for HLS's parcel. No sense trying to get too much farther than that... for now. Maybe I'll get something to eat during the week too. Maybe... - But for now... a little reading (I've had the daily dose of vinegar) and hope for a night-through of sleep.
Mon.10.Dec (Chanukah 8... and another holiday... another year... nothing): (the double-digit dates commence... another half month slips by) 7.58 I was up just before the 7 alarm but I waited for it... turned it off and dozed until the 8.00 alarm (which is fast so I'm up before 8.00 anyway...). It was nice in bed, comfy, painless. But here I am, sitting up, having had coffee. The day commences. - Oddly, I was HALF-DREAMING about getting some kids out of a stuck elevator. $ or 5 little ones on top of the cabin and a young girl inside. Well-lit, nobody in panic, quite calm, it took 2 days (in the dream) but I got the ones on top of the cabin out and the young gal was going to try riding to a full floor (the cabin was stuck between 2 floors). Anyway, some old broad snapped “What does he think he's doing?!?!?” and I thought to myself “Getting these shits out of trouble... since none of YOU have the fucking sense to do anything about it.” And... there we have it... I'm awake and all's just spiffy... Let's see how the rest of the day rolls... I've wrapping and returns on my agenda. - 10.20 The propane is being delivered already. Got a call from Caleb... “I'll have service for a few hours... call me and we'll look at your truck”. AND... HLS announces that she's purchased a cord of wood to be delivered TODAY at some time (to the tune of 275$)... TODAY... as if I'm expected to simply be here, having nothing to do, perfectly capable of stacking the shit, no matter what. Never mind a little “notice” that she'd called for it... which she'd done prior to the “announcement”. Ah yes? Well... I've got errands and if the truck will allow, I'll be attending to those before ANYTHING else. AND... should I not be inspired to stack the new fire-wood... good luck to you on hauling it as needed... from in front of the garage... dearie. Meanwhile, she's fixated on the tilt of the fucking tree in the living-room, and mentions the fact that her Rick was supposed to install the garage door MONTHS ago but that's fine. It's all relative... and I'm not related to anybody so... - Time to get me together and rolling down the road. Just another manic Monday... (I need to shit, pee and brush my teeth... as it were.) (And just as I typed that line... I hear the door to the loo slam shut.) - 12.52 WOW! JUST WOW! Brilliant sun-shine... and although the temperatures are still “minus”, they're really almost comfy. And I made it to the bottle return, then to the dollar store for wrapping for HLS's parcel. Got bread and honey for my “snax” too. BUT THE DRIVE TO E. BERKSHIRE ALONG THE “NEW” 105 WAS INCREDIBLE! THE MOUNTAINS OVER RICHFORD ARE MAGNIFICENT IN THE SUN AND BLE SKY! Shame, really, no place to stop and take photos. But... WOW! JUST WOW! - Then, sadly, stopped by Caleb's garage to find nobody there. Fine... I left and came back to the hole. Hey! If he doesn't want the money, I'll risk having to add to the expense and take the truck else-where. Today, I'm in no mood for nice. - Still, the drive was a delight... on this beautiful day. - And now? To wrap and nosh and what-ever. - There's a shit-load of wood out-side the garage, waiting to be stacked (when/if I get into the mood... no rush). And the propane fellow came by to report that it was merely a “frozen line”... the tank was at “35%”. Imagine that. AND... the drive was plowed clean before the wood arrived... THREE FUCKING THINGS ACCOMPLISHED HERE, BEFORE NOON, IN ONE DAY! (No wonder there was nobody at the garage... can't have TOO much good happen too soon, too quickly.) - OK... to wrap and to look for a mechanic. Hopefully HLS will occupy her time with making her fucking pies... Tonight... the house is... what-ever... - 13.44 “Holiday Wrapping” is DONE! - 18.12 WELL! THIS turned out to be quite the after-noon. SHE HAD THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO ASK ME TO ACCEPT MOENY DUE HER FROM Mr. Dimballs! I most vehemently told her NO! I've been accused to theft and battery and the likes and I'm NOT getting into taking money from her tenants! Then... as the “discussion” continued, she interjected some comment about me “looking for a free ride”! A FREE RIDE!??!? I'M LOOKING FOR A FREE RIDE?!?!?!?!? It was made most certainly crystal clear when I told her that her “100s” that she “tosses at me” DON'T go to my shopping for ME, they DON'T go to the truck... THEY GO TO LIGHT BULBS, AND OTHER NECESSITIES IN *HER* HOUSE! Does it make any difference that I told her? HELL TO THE HELL NO! BUT IT WAS SAID AND IF AND WHEN I CAN, IT WILL BE DISSEMINATED AMONGST THE VILLAGERS, NOW THAT I KNOW WHAT SHE'S THINKING! Meanwhile, her cord of wood lays out-side the garage. FUCK HER! “FREE RIDE”! IMAGINE DAT! - It all rather settled by about 16.00 when Dimballs came to the kitchen to give her the 100 and the bill that the window morons left in HIS flat and her phone! They talked about something but I didn't bother to stay in the kitchen for any of it. OH... AND I MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT, GIVEN A WEEK WITH-OUT ME IN THIS HOUSE, IT WOULD LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE SHIT-HOLE UP-STAIRS! “Not quite...” she tried. I said “There are times when you roll out the door to work or where-ever it is you feel you have to go, I walk into the kitchen and have to ask my-self 'What the HELL happened here?!!?'” (I think it stuck for a moment because she finished making her pies for work and actually cleaned... or what she thinks of as 'cleaning' before strolling along. Seriously... FREE RIDE! She's SICK! MENTALLY ILL, DEEPLY! - So she left and I had a bowl of left-overs and tried to watch some of “The Five” but I just can't take the “liberal” perspective on that show. It makes me physically sick... too much too close to here. So I started looking for flats again... in NY. - On a “PS”... I'd sent a text to Caleb asking for an appointment during the week at his convenience. Tomorrow... 10.00! Let's just hope. (The rocker panels are in shit-shape at the moment. They're not cheap to replace but... the brakes and such are more important and I've a year to attend to the panels.) - So, there we have it. - And as a note: I had 2 rolls with butter and honey this afternoon. The rolls are labelled “crusty”.... they're full of shit. Same shit as every-where else: “crust”? Bull-shit! Soft... AND MOSTLY AIR! 3-plus dollars for the same shit in a different bag. - I need a nap. I'll be taking a shower. (Thankfully the linens and such got done on Saturday... they're clean.) - I'm just worn from all of this abuse, the lies, the entire gig of “Home care for the severely mentally retarded”. - 21.16 Showered and done and the house is calm and dark. - 30 minutes ago I sent a text:
“All is calm. All is bright. We;re all heading for seepie-nigh-night. Please, I suppose Hallie & Minou did gift shopping in Burlington so I hope they saved receipts so they can save us a lot of Boxing Day travel for returns & refunds. Please get their $ back so they can get what they want. I can't accept gifts & will only return them anyway. Thanks much.”
Seriously. How could anybody (even the retards) expect somebody to accept gifts after being told they're “looking for a free ride”? Honestly now. Not to mention, I don't want more “stuff” that'll just be put away in a box... ANOTHER box, to clutter this little “storage space” even more. I've had more than enough of that. I should go through what I have here anyway... and dispose, dispose, dispose. - Meanwhile, not to linger on the subject, there's a fire in the stove and the furnace is back up to 70F for a while. There'll be no “chillin'” whilst I'm here, alone. I've done my time with that (Richford) and I do enough of it whilst Her Royal Highness is in residence. - A shame, really, that I can't afford to go to Newburgh for Xmas. It might be nice to spend the time with Denis. Or not. One never knows. Haven't heard from him since the text from his Aunt's wake. Well? That's how life goes, I suppose. Probably for the best. Like Peter said: “You need to trust your gut. It's kept you alive all these years.” My gut doesn't say much other than that things are probably best as they are and have been. I'll let it ride at that. Besides, I can't help but think of that “nodule”. It wouldn't be fair... marrying and then dying. Oh well... Time will tell. - I checked the flats again, this evening. There's the same one on Lake at State in RP. They can't seem to give that space away. One in Champlain that looks “cute” and one in Cadyville... but that's too far South and too far West (of Plattsburgh). Oh well... the truck came about... a flat will too. - So... for now... browse the soc.med. a while and then to bed. Must to be at the garage at 10.00 tomorrow. Things to be done. Might head to Walmarde St.A. for some FlexSeal for my sippies. Don't know until. - Oh... this evening, UPS came and literally DROPPED a parcel on the front porch! Poor guys... the front walk has never been cleared! But the house shook when they dropped it! Goodness me! (I'm leaving it right where it is... “Free Ride”.) - 2235 to bed.
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18.45 WELL WELL WELL THE NEWS FOR THE MOMENT: BROKEN TOE OR BROKEN FOOT!!! AT 15.59 I'D FINISHED STACKING ABOUT HALF OF THE PILE OF FIRE-WOOD FROM IN FRONT OF THE GARAGE, CAME INTO THE HOUSE AND PUT MY SLIPPERS ON. WENT BACK TO THE GARAGE TO GET THE PLASTIC BIN OF “KINDLING” AND SMALL PIECES OF WOOD AND AS I TOOK IT FROM THE STACK AGAINST THE GARAGE WALL, A PIECE OF FIRE-WOOD CAME DOWN... ON MY LEFT FOOT, JUST AT THE TOES! WOW! YEAH! PAINFUL! SO I LEFT THE BIN ON THE FLOOR AND THE PICE OF WOOD TOO AND LIMPED UP TO THE KITCHEN WHERE I TOOK OFF THE SLIPPER AND SOCK. MY TOES WERE “SKEWED”, SEPARATED, AND SORE, PARTICULARLY THE TOE NEXT TO THE GREAT TOE! SO I HOBBLED INTO THE ROOM FOR AN ACE BANDAGE WHICH I PUT ROUND THE TOES AND FOOT, PUT THE SOCK BACK ON AND THE SLIPPER. TOOK A PHOTO OF THE TOES AND SENT IT OFF TO HLS WITH MESSAGE: “Brakes iz fixed... now the toes iz broke. Nice chunk of firewood slammed dow[sic] on them, they won't move. Standing's a right pain. They turned deep blue. As the kids say these day[sic] “hashtag” #FreeRide.” THEN SENT 2 PHOTOS OF THE STACKED WOOK IN THE GARAGE WITH A MESAGE “But most of the pile is stacked in the garage anyway. “hashtag” #GoodNews” THAT LAST MESSAGE WITH PHOTOS WAS SENT AT 16.16. THUS FAR... NO REPLY. SO I WENT INTO THE LOO AND FOUND SOME COTTON BALLS AND SOME KIND OF FLESH-TONE TAPE. A COTTON BALL BETWEEN THE GREAT AND BROKEN TOE AND THE NEXT TOE TO THE LEFT, TAPED IT ALL TOGETHER RATHER TIGHTLY, PUT THE ACE BANDAGE BAK ON AND HOBBLED TO THE KITCHEN TO FEED THE LITTLE ONES. TOOK THE LEFT-OVER “CHINESE” AND PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE AND SAT ON THE RECLINER TO EAT... AT 17.00. JUST NOW, I TRIED TO GET UP FROM THE RECLINER AND HOBBLE TO THE KITCHEN TO GET MORE WOOD IN THE STOVE. THERE'S ONLY 3 PIECES IN THE KITCHEN. TRIED TO “ROLL” ON THE “OFFICE” CHAIR BUT THE FUCKING RUG AND THE FUCKING FURNITURE IS ALL IN THE WAY SO I COULDN'T ROLL... I ENDED UP ON MY ARSE ON THE FLOOR, PUT 2 PIECES OF WOOD IN THE STOVE. I'M GETTING AROUND WITH THE SHOVEL HANDLE IN ONE HAND AND A WALKING STICK I FOUND IN THE FOYER. BUT THE WHOLE FOOT IS NOW SO SWOLLEN THAT THE SLIPPER IS TIGHT. AND IT'S THROBBING AND STINGING. I CAN'T TELL IF IT'S JUST A TOE THAT GOT BROKEN OR PART OF THE FOOT AS WELL. BUT SITTING HERE AT THE TABLE IS SO PAINFUL! AND I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY MEDS FOR THE PAIN... I'VE BEEN TRYING TO KEEP THE KIDNEYS CLEAR OF ALL THAT TOXIN. (I'VE LITTLE DOUBT THAT A NAPROXEN WILL BE FOLLOWING SHORTLY AT THIS RATE.) AND, OF COURSE, NO RESPONSE/REPLY FROM HLS. QUNT! BETWEEN THIS NOW AND THE SMASHED FINGER LAST SUMMER... I SAID NOTHING ABOUT THE FINGER. I'M NOT LETTING THIS INCIDENT GO. AND IF I GO TO THE E.R. FOR THIS, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT IT HAPPENED “PERFORMING WORK FOR THE LANDLADY ON HER PROPERTY”. PERIOD. I'M SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF THIS BULL-SHIT AND HER ABUSE AND ACCUSATORY TONES AND STATEMENTS. THE “FREE RIDE” IS OVER... BUT NOT FOR ME. - 19.15 NO SOONER GOT THAT TYPED WHEN I HAD TO GET TO THE BED TO RAISE THE FOOT. THE THROBBING PAIN IS HORRIFIC! AND I NOTICE THERE'S BEEN SOME BLEEDING SOME-WHERE. I LOOSENED THE TAPE ROUND THE TOES BECAUSE THEY WERE LOOKING RATHER “PALE” AND THE PAIN'S JUST AWFUL! OH WELL... WE SHALL SEE WHAT COMES OF IT ALL... I STILL HAVE TO GET THE GARBAGE OUT. I'M GOING TO TRY FOR THAT TONIGHT... JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE. (Mr. Dimballs has his 2-months' worth out there already. So I'll just add this to it. Anything “food” should freeze... if there's a mess tomorrow? Oh well... so be it.) - 19.59 Managed to clean the litter box and put in fresh litter. Hauled the garbage out to the curb to add to Dimball's... just in case I can't do it tomorrow. - AND MESSAGE FROM THE QUNT... ASKING IF I'D PUT ANY OF THE FIRE-WOOD IN THE STOVE YET! WHAT A FUCKING SHIT-BAG, FUCKTARD OF A RETARDED QUNT! SHE GOT BACK A COUPLE OF FUCKING NASTY REPLIES WITH A CURRENT PHOTO OF THE FOOT. AND... I'VE ***** BLOCKED HER FUCKING NUMBER*****. NO MESSAGES. NO CALLS. LET HER FUCKING ROT. AND YES, IF I NEED TO GO TO THE E.R. FOR THIS... I'M TELLING THEM IT WAS ON HER PROPERTY, DOING HER WORK. PERIOD. I'M AT MY WITS' END! FUCK THIS SHIT. IT'S AS I TOLD HER... THEY'RE ALL LOOKING FOR A “FREE RIDE” AND READY TO BACK-STAB AT ANY OPPORTUNITY. WELL? YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE.
Meanwhile... the day was fascinating and I DID get to Caleb by 10.00 and yes, a brake line was broken. He worked on it, on and off, until 14.00!!! Charged me parts and ONE hour labour! 122,00$! (I took 100 out of my key-ring for it but... fine... that's what it was saved for.) Said the others might go... or might not. AND HE GAVE ME A PACKAGE OF VENISON STEAKS AND A PACKAGE OF VENISON SAUSAGE! (I was SO looking forward to having some tonight but... I have to wash dishes before cooking in them and I really wasn't in any condition to cook, with this foot, nor in a mood to eat. Fuck me.) But the brakes are good. And he told me that the rust on the rocker panels is merely “cosmetic”, that the rockers are in good condition. He even told me that, even though the one “cover” is so bad that it's broken and a piece is hanging, it's still passable on inspection (of course, if the inspector isn't a tight-nuts bastard... I say). It was a relief. And I'm ever so grateful for all the work he put in today. (And the 25$ he didn't charge me for the labour... which should have been 75$ but he charged me 50.). - And so, I was back at the hole by about 14.30 which is when I got to the wood-stacking and the disaster that followed. So much for taking that ride to Champlain that I was looking forward to. (And now, more-so than ever before.) - Well... it's 20.09 and my “work” is done. The floors will stay as they are. So too, the fucking mess in the kitchen and round the house. I've brought my “showering” things back into the room. HER house is HERs as it belongs. Fucking qunt! - I'm going to try a naproxen for sleep and just get into bed. Not even bothering to put on jammies... in case I need to get out of here and to the ER. It was difficult wearing boots to take the garbage out. It's more difficult to sit at the table. The FIRE and PINS in my foot get to where I actually have to moan aloud. I don't care about the noise. Let's just see what tomorrow brings. - 20.13 I unblocked the Qunt... let's see what shit she slings... maybe I'll be able to use it at the E.R. ... or in court.
24.00 I was out the door and on the road at 21.05... I was back in the hole by 23.15! Yep... ONE TOE, BROKEN, BUT THE BONE CAME THROUGH THE SKIN AND IS “OVER-LAPPING” THE UPPER PART! QUITE THE BREAK! THE “CURE”? TAPE, ACE BANDAGE, SPECIAL VELCRO SHOE. PAIN MEDS? “CONTINUE NAPROXEN, ADD TYLENOL IF NEEDED.” SENT PHOTOS OF E.R. AND THE X-RAY AND THE SHOE TO HER LADY-SHIT. (HLS) REPLY? “Glad to know you are back (smiley face)” WHAT AN ABSOLUTE FUKTARD, THAT ONE.
But the pain has subsided. I have to wear the shoe and make a visit to an Ortho (as if THAT'S gonna happen). I mean, I probably should because of the dislocation of the bone. But as long as the pain's gone... FUKKIT! - MEANWHILE... I've lost the “flash-light” from my key-chain! Noticed it when I reached into my sherpa pocket and... found the 100 in there! FUCK! I ALMOST LOST 100$ because of this shit! Stacking wood for an ingrate. The tube-part is gone. Probably in the parking lot at the hospital. I've looked here, at the hole, checked in the truck. Nope. THANKFULLY, THE BILL WAS IN MY POCKET! WHY? BECAUSE THE “FREE-RIDER” WAS MAKING SURE THAT THE OLD QUNT'S FIRE-WOOD WAS STACKED IN THE GARAGE... FOR CONVENIENCE... AND SO *SHE* WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO OUT TO THE PILE IN THE DRIVE, TO GET ANY. OH... SERIOUSLY... JUST FUCK ME AND MY OWN STUPIDITY. All for nothing... I'm here for a “Free Ride”... and “verbally abusive”. Nothing more... nothing less. (But I DID tell them at the E.R. what the situation is here and how she is. So...) OH! BTW! One of the Nurses at the ER is a 'distant cousin of Bill and Sue... who run the store here in town! Well I'll be a go-to-Hell indeed! We chatted about Franklin. I mentioned Richford. “It's really so pretty over there.” she said. How nice. Comforting, really. Small state. (She, the Nurse, lives in Essex. What a commute SHE'S got... especially on a night like this... in the snow.) - Anyway, having a “beverage”: Mostly rum, splash of rye, bit of ginger. And am ordering another flash-light (if they're cheaper). Alas. And so... another day in para-fucking-dise comes to a close.
Wed.12.Dec. 2.28 Tired, but not in pain and afraid to lay on the bed for fear of SOME pain, SOME-where. Even my foot feels better now... Naproxen? The booze? (I doubt that... not nearly enough.) What-ever it is... I'm afraid to try for sleep. What a lovely way to exist. But soc.med. Minds was brilliantly fun tonight (this morning). - At least I don't have to get up and empty the litter or haul the garbage! - 3.52 I laid down for the little while since... and the pain in the toes returns so bad that I can't sleep... and I'm howling aloud again. So? Another Naproxen... Why? Because there's nothing else. - 8.41 I was only JUST dozing off at long last, after a night of not being able to sleep when the kitchen door opened. And as it opened, the “8.00” alarm sounded. “What have you done today to make you feel proud?” I shut it off and went to the kitchen. Dave was here! I THOUGHT I'd be up, Hoovering or mopping, but... what-ever. We chatted a touch. I fed the little ones and let them out for morning “pinkle”. (Hallie's still out there some-where.) - Fully dressed, I'd laid down at about 4.30 when I took another Naproxen, but laying flat only caused the throbbing. I tried to “sit up”, because that position on the geurney was painless in the ER. Nope. Not quite. The ONLY position that allowed me any respite was/is: Sitting up with the foot over the edge of the bed. So, at about 5.30 or so, I was sort of dozing off... I must have been “sleeping” only about 30 minutes or so when Dave came by. I heard Dimballs leave for work. So I was still up at 6.00 or so anyway. - And right now, the foot is OK... but I'm on “burn-out”. When Hallie comes back, I'll try for a little more sleep (or rest or something). No sense rushing along. I've got all day to get things done... and DONE they WILL get! No giving cause for listening to bull-shit! (Though... I really shouldn't even think such... after all... “a REAL Vermonter would tell her to go shit in her hat ... and have it for lunch.) - The wood in the stove is nothing but ash this morning. It's too wet to re-start. Have to get some into the kitchen to dry out... at some point. I need to figure what to do about this “fancy shoe” when I start hauling again. But... there's no rush with that either. The furnace is set at 68F. It's not “perfectly” warm... but it's certainly not “cold” in here. (And the snow that began last night is still falling... though not as heavily.) The garbage is out, littler box is clean. I'll just finish my coffee, having taken my vitamins (thank goodness for C... immune, K... for the blood, Biotin... for “bones”... and hair, and nails. And later? Naproxen... for pain. I can doze thinking of how to “wrap” the “fancy shoe” to finish the... WOODHAULING! - 12.55 AND TWO HOURS OF SLEEP! WOW! A waste of a perfectly beautiful day but... SLEEP AT LAST! - 14.32 AND BELIEVE IT OR NOTE... THE BACK WALK IS CLEARED (SWEPT) OF SNOW, THERE'S WOOD STACKED IN THE KITCHEN, THE STOVE IS BURING, THE FLOORS ARE HOOVERED, THE KITCHEN FLOOR IS DRYING! “HASHTAG” FREERIDE. “HASHTAG” FUCKTHERETARDEDQUNT. MIC DROP. - I'm just waiting for the kitchen floor to dry and then I'll be in there, preparing the venison sausage for today's meal. The meat is frozen. The skillet's been bleached and heated and oiled. It'll be slow-cooking... but I'm in no particular rush. (Now, if only I could figure a way to “protect” the left foot... I could go to the store for some ice cream or bread or something. 23.34 Message from HLS: She won't be back until 20.00 tomorrow! I can't remember if she said, or why she'll be so late. Probably another “social function”. Well Mme., you just toddle about, YOUR HOUSE is being attended, maintained, by Mr. Free-rider. Not to worry. - ANYWAY... I managed to have QUITE the filling “meal”... At about 16.00 I took the package of frozen VENISON sausage out of the freezer, bleach-scrubbed the skillet on the stove... heated it, tossed in MY butter and slowly cooked the sausage. “Stole” two eggs from the fridge and scrambled them into what must be about a pound of meat, fried it up, tossed it into a bowl, sat at the TV and ATE! WOW! DID I EAT! The entire package! It was quite delicious! And surely, nutritious,as well. VENISON! How WONDERFUL! What a shame though, that I couldn't simply prepare it properly, couldn't enjoy it as it should have been enjoyed. But I'll be damned if I'm going to sit it in the freezer and pull another one of those bull-shit episodes like the beef at 5225 where, fresh, it sat in the freezer... and then I'd prepared it one evening and “shared” it with the Freak... who took more than half of his portion and gave it to the DOGS! NO! NOT this time! I ate the whole portion! (Now... let's see what happens with/to the steaks that are in there. Let's just see... I might have to share those... OR... I'll get to eat and enjoy them... in HLS's absence. MIIGHT.) BUT... I ATE and I ate well! And then... washed dishes, put the kitchen back to the “way it was” (I'm NOT cleaning this place this week.) - Funny little note here: Pam phoned this evening... It was about 18.00. I'd HAD to hit the loo! And so, there I was, on the commode, just logging-in to soc.med. when the phone rang. I saw it was Pam so I answered it. (Noting... I DO believe she was already into a bottle of wine... apparently THEY TOO, enjoy tipping a bottle in the evenings... much like HLS. Winos... the lot here.) She wanted to know if I was warm, had wood for the stove, had anything in the house to eat. Imagine that! So we chatted. I told her of my accomplishments du jour, thanked her and Dave for their concern. Dave had told her of the “compound fracture” of my toe so... SOMEBODY OUT THERE KNOWS. How nice? (As if.) She asked when Jacquie was due back. I told her I didn't know... never know... I'll be told one time and she won't roll in until much later but it isn't important, everything that usually gets done is done. I got to toss in the “free ride” comment that was thrown at me too... so there. (I figure, it does no harm... since I've already been reported as being “verbally abusive”.) “Oh, Jacquie loves you and is concerned.” Yeah... but when I mentioned that she'll tell me that she'll be back “late morning”, she rolls in late after-noon, or “early evening” and it's more like 9pm or so, the comment from Pam? With a bit of a chuckle... “She's challenged.” Yes indeed, she most certainly is! But there's a bit of me that's comforted knowing that somebody else knows. NOT, mind, that it makes any difference in their perspective of me, I'm sure. But knowing that they know makes it even just slightly easier for me. AND... in the course of chat, Mr. Dimballs came up. I told her about the garbage and that the bin is still in the drive; mentioned that I told HLS that, when I'm gone, I give her a week and her house will look like it looks up-stairs. I told Pam, “she's 4 for 4... or, now, 5 for 5” with her poor choice of renters. Made mention that I did all I could to try to keep her from making the same mistake but... it's hopeless and useless. Pam mentioned that she (HLS) is considering putting a “lock-box” on the thermostat up there because he's running the furnace too much. (Then she said: “I probably shouldn't have mentioned that.” WHAT-EVER dearie. So long as *I* don't get blamed for the furnace too! But I told her that I'd put the thermostat here, up to 68F before leaving for the ER. “Oh, 68's not bad. And it's hard to keep warm when you're not feeling well.” said Pam. “I was concerned that the stove would go out while I was gone, so the little extra heat would keep the place warm.” She replied “Yeah, once the house gets cold it's harder to get it warm again.” SOMEBODY understands... though, if it comes right down to it... I'm the shit-bag anyway... so... it was mentioned... that's that. Meanwhile... there we have it... HLS thinks she'll be able to go up there and put the “controls” on the heat now? If that one, up there, is a “Vermonter”... she'll find her arse in a sling, in front of a magistrate. And me? I'll just laugh. As I told Pam... he's already in breech of contract, but then again, they BOTH are. I tried... that's all I'm going to do.) Well, we chatted for a good while... as I had my daily BM (she should only know... HAH! But it's nice to know that SOMEBODY actually took the time to dial the phone. Why? I doubt it was “heart-felt concern” but... It was more than I get from the “owner” of this place. - SO tonight's low is forecast for -17C. It's going to be interesting, to say the least. At least I probably won't be “sleeping” through it, so I'll be able to keep the stove going. I won't put the furnace up any more, but I won't bring it down below the 68F it's set at. Fuck this shit here. There's to be NO “chilling”, I'll tell you that much. - (Approx. 23.45: Having decided to resign myself to the fact that I won't be “sleeping” again tonight, I wanted a tea or something. So I found the cinnamon in the cup-board and though that would be soothing. Put water in the kettle, put the kettle on the stove, turned the gas up and... THERE'S NO GAS COMING THROUGH AGAIN! THE GAS LINE IS FROZEN! SPIFFY! (I'm saying NOTHING about it... let her “discover” it when she gets back.) Tried a couple of times to heat water in the microwave... first time was HORROR! The fucking thing boiled over... I had to wash the plate in there. Oh well... just another thing “done for the qunt”. But I DID manage to get a mug, and sat on the recliner, sipping and watching a bit of TV... - WHAT A FUCKING DAY! Y'know... I don't mind the little “inconveniences” round here. I'm always grateful for the roof over-head, the walls around and the floor below. I'm grateful that I'm not digging myself into the snow, shivering in the cold. I've been through that more than once, more than my “fair share” over my life-time. But I'm just sick to my marrow, the core of my being... from the fucking abuse... verbal... and especially the fucking LIES that are told about me here. I NEED... SERIOUSLY MUST get past the fact that, no matter what I've done, what I am doing, what I will ever do to help and support these fucking in-bred shit-bags... NOTHING will EVER be “good”... never mind “good enough”... it will never even be “good”. Oh... to be able to simply get into the truck and drive away from it all... and I mean... ALL! EVERY BIT OF IT. (After this, there is no Hell... THIS is Hell... After this, there's only Peace.)
Thu.13.Dec: 0.50 Tired but over-drive. Tried sleeping on the recliner... THE FOOT! FIRE. TINGLING. KNIVES! BUT ON THE OUT-SIDE OF THE FOOT! There's nothing on the x-ray on that side of the foot. I can't figure it unless it's nerve damage of some kind. I think too much. Going to try for the bed. A nap. Don't want to take more naproxen... my kidney and the pain there. Oh well... “old”. - 8.50 TWENTY MINUTES AND “MORNING ROUTINE” IS DONE! YES! - By 1.00 this morning, I was IN the bed... took the “cast-shoe” off, because of the fire on the foot, tried putting “me” “into” the sleeping bag, the left foot out, covered with the “sheets”. Started with head raised (semi-Fowlers), and that wasn't comfy. Little by little, I slouched down. Turned, just a bit, to the right side and started to actually get “comfortable”. TWO LEG SPASMS with-in moments! But they passed, thankfully. But it didn't take very much longer and... I must have, literally, passed out! TO SLEEP! SLEEP! SLEEP! Next thing I know? I hear Hallie in the room, tail slapping on the door-frame. Poor little gal, she had to go “pinkle”! so... I got up, fully dressed, as usual, started the lap-top... 8.30! I'd SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! AT LAST! Put the “cast-shoe” on, sherpa, kippa.... and off to the kitchen. Let her out, Minou wanted NO part of “out” and as she pinkled, I grabbed my jammies and “linens”, tossed them into the washer, into the kitchen, stir the embers in the wood-stove, got breakfast for the two little ones, went to pee (with a great deal of difficulty, I must say). Let Hallie in to eat. Me, out to smoke. In to re-start the wood-stove. And here I am... here I am... washer going, coffee and vitamins done... here I am. - I feel ALMOST “rested”. Almost 7 hours of sleep over-night. Not quite what I'd like but DAMN! MUCH more than the past 72 hours, indeed. Tight in the chest. But that's “normal”. - The porch thermometer is reading 10°F, sun shining, clear sky. But the stove's stoked, the wash is going, and now, I have to figure a way to get ME washed... showered... at some point during this day. Oh well... We'll see how it goes... when it's done. For now? One step at a time. - As I say, not feeling “all together altogether”. But “together enough” to continue with what-ever. One step at a time. One step at a time. - 9.34 This journal is caught up. The washer's stopped. This lap-top journal is up to page 16... something to attend today... TRANSFER TO ON-LINE! Other-wise?... Don't know, really. Don't care, really. Just keep rollin' along. - 9.50 OH... and it's rather confirmed: The syrups sent both arrived, Tuesday... same day, several hours apart... GA and SC. Gee... no word. Well? They were sent. They arrived (according to USPS). They're gone. That's done. Amen. So be it. - AND... I've gotten the stove well-stoked, brought in a couple more pieces of wood for the kitchen stack. Oh... the FEAR, the DREAD, holding that shit. Nothing to protect the foot... and I couldn't help but think: If another piece falls on the same foot... there'll be more than a simple broken toe... the foot will be rendered utterly useless. MUST ensure that THAT NEVER happens. (I've broken my back, a finger, a toe... and for what? BULL-SHIT! Nothing but pure, unadulterated BULL-SHIT... And for whom? BULL-SHIT! Nothing but pure, unadulterated BULL-SHIT! We live, and hopefully... we learn. I DO believe I've learnt.) - 10.06 Ah... well... the oil-fellow is here. Delivery. Hopefully, for somebody, he'll be able to manipulate all necessary, round the remainder of the pile of wood in the drive (that's under snow, frozen together). If yes: delightful. If no: fuck you. Hell's shit... it's what THEY've shown ME that THEY give as much of a shit about ME and MY convenience... KAY SARAH-SARAH! (I'm in the room... the curtain to the porch door is closed, the kitchen door is locked. “Nobody's home”. Fuck off. Thanks much.) - 11.18 Just finishing the “on-line site” version of this Journal, adding images and the likes. Didn't realise that I hadn't even started this month on-line until now! Goodness! Remiss... me. - Anyway, up-dating before posting. - Yes, indeed, the oil was delivered... and OH! I expect some sort of whiny-pissy (or pissy-whiny) session(s) to follow this evening when the bill is viewed! Just to note for me: The tank's capacity is 275gals.; the cost per gal. is currently 2,75$ - a far cry from the 3,96 I paid in Richford!; today's delivery was 190,4gals; cost... 523,60$! Now... I can't recall the last delivery, but I'd almost venture to believe, at the moment, that it was, most likely, a month ago. If, at that time, the tank was filled, which I'd believe was the case, then, in only a month, 84,6gals were LEFT IN THE TANK... 190,4gals were burned in a month! SHE'S GONNA BE RIP-ROARING PISSED!!! Oh well, 'tis as I say, repeatedly and much to my nausea: She didn't bother to check Dimballs before renting to him, it didn't bother her that he's 36 years old and living with his fat-sow of a mother, “divorced” or separated from his (possible) wife, TWO kids, fat-arsed gal-friend (who talked about moving in), didn't care about the painting and cleaning done before he took the place, collected TWO MONTHS'-worth of garbage ON THE PORCH (didn't bother to take it to the curb), hasn't bothered to put the panels in the kitchen ceiling light fixture, took her scrub bucket AND an almost full gallon of deck paint (the paint is now, no doubt, useless from having frozen on the porch), she GAVE him Internet for a couple of weeks in addition to the rest of the shit “included in the rent”, he parks IN the drive in violation of the terms of the lease... and he hasn't bothered to shovel his own walk-way... and my list could go on but it won't. YEP... I most seriously doubt that *I* burned all that oil. But what-ever it is... I'll just keep to my-self what I've already stated, as is obvious: She's 5 for 5 at this point... What-ever lived in the red house before the Grisolms, the Grisolms, the Stanhopes (who gave her a well-deserved run through the courts), the Lenehans (repairs that STILL aren't done... not to mention the “legal” incidents), and now Mr. Justin Wells-Dimballs. Oh... Life... Sometimes it slaps us with what we deserve... good or bad, happy or sad... And all the while, the best view I have of it... SCHADENFREUDE! - 12.48 ALL DONE! ON-LINE: SITE AND BLOG! UP-TO-DATE... AT LAST! - All washing done, except for the clothes I've been wearing... and me! (I'll get to that after I try to move the truck and get the post.) - 15.18 Truck's moved! Mail's in... including 2 letters to me: DOL wants theirs... NWMC wants theirs... Everybody's getting what I have... ZEE-ROH! and a not-so-polite FUKKIT, FUKKITALL, FUKKYOO. Oh... and have a nice day. - At the P.O. are 2 parcels, not large, but when I told Lisa that “she can come get them”, Lisa asked: “Not doin' her any favours?” I showed her my foot, wrapped in a kitty-litter-liner and explained it ALL... and I do mean... ALL. No more being “kind”... I'm returning the “kindness” that I receive. Anyway... on my way out the door, Mark V. was pulling in. Asked about the foot. I told him only the essentials and ended with “It just makes dancing a pain in the arse.” And off I toddled. - Back at the hole... I'M SHOWERED! SCRUBBED, actually. I put LOADS of plastic cling on the foot, sealed with electric tape and HAD AT IT in the shower! SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB-A-DUB-DUB! WOW! What a feeling! And clothes are in the washer now. A DEE-LIGHT! to be clean again! Clean clothes, clean me. It wasn't as bad as anticipated, though not as easy as hoped-for. But the matter is dealt with... and with ALGEMARIN! So I should smell quite OK for a while. (I won't be doing a shower again until Monday night.) - And so... there's just the tiniest bit of left-over minced beef in mystery sauce left to eat. I've got butter but no break. The only bread in the house is “multi-grain” shit. And I'm NOT going to put bags on my foot again... to hobble to the “chor bazaar” known as the “Franklin General Store”. Piss THAT right the fuck to Hell, you're welcome, indeed. We shall make do with what's available. (There are some VERY meagre days ahead too... where food's concerned. But if I feel up to it tomorrow, I must MIGHT escape from this place... get gas - there's only half a tank in the truck - and something for me... mayhaps a McD's drive-through?) - Should brush my teeth. Need to pull in a couple more pieces of fire-wood. (The ash bucket seriously needs to be emptied... ain't THAT just a shame?) A quick mop-over the floors and I'm FINISHED with this fucking hole! - OH! It's nice to be clean again! (I should do the wash and go to bed! - 16.59 “Meal” (left-over meat and some crisps... followed by choco-raisins) done... and dishes put away. Little ones fed and tins in the recyc. Kitchen floor mopped. And the “bath linens” in the dryer. With the exception of what's in the dryer now... EVERYTHING is EXACTLY as it would be... had I not broken my toe. Seriously... even a FULL stack of wood in the kitchen and a LARGE piece of wood in the stove. Come 20.00 (or when-ever she hauls her useless arse in), I shall be in bed... in no mood to deal with her and no need to do so either. Oh... and the furnace is back down to 65F. So? FUCK HER! FUCK THEM! FUCK THIS! FUCK IT! - Call it a “wrap”! - 20.23 and almost on time... she rolled in... condescending... though perhaps not. But when she said “Maybe you should go for surgery” (on the toe) I made it clear: I have to go home... I've no time to sit about convalescing for 3-6 months on a free ride. And that's where the evening goes. Now? Time for a smoke and get to bed for me... I'M CLEAN! THE LINENS ARE CLEAN! I NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD BE SO BUT... CLEAN! - 22.15 Well... we had a drink together and chatted. She got me another box of Chanukah chocolates. The box is pretty... a m'norah. And we chatted... nicely. Tomorrow morning, she's off to her Maryrose to pick up a bed. She says Dave will come to bring it in. I wonder where she's going to put it! But... none of my business. - She mentioned the wood out-side. I told her it's frozen together and to the ground. I repeated that the weather is supposed to warm this week-end and nothing can be done with it until... Oh well... I MUST bear in mind, Pam's statement: “She's challenged”. Indeed. I NEED, MUST let it ride. MUST keep that in mind. I'm just so “geared” to “rehab”, to making things “better”. But sometimes, one just can't... like Alzheimer's.... “You can't bring them back... you have to go to where they are.” - Anyway, it's another night of needing to sleep and being afraid of going to bed. Oh... the nights. - Bottom line: I WANT TO GO HOME! - Just sent a quick message to Denis. Haven't heard from him. I hope he's OK. - A little browsing and off to... bed. It's all I can do for the night. - 23.00 Off to try to sleep... let's see how it works out tonight. I think I'll try jammies too. Why not? I'm clean. - (Hungry too. But there's tomorrow for food.)
Fri.14.Dec: 8.29 With the exception of 3 SPASMS, I slept through the night! I went to bed, no “shoe”, in my jammies, read for a few minutes and put the lights out. In moments, I was OUT. Pee breaks and spasms and sleep. How charming. How odd. How needed. - This morning? Thump. Thump. Thump. Bang. Thump. Thump. She was up and about by about 7.45, with HER morning routine. The cows had come home. Alas. But I heard the 8.00 alarm and turned it off and laid in the bed, enjoying the fact that I won't get up and hobble about the place. But a thought crossed my mind. The “free ride”... perhaps it's because, whilst she's in residence in HER house, I don't run about, cleaning-up after her, feeding the little ones, hauling more wood, making “busy”, doing, doing, doing... Me? I figure, I'm here when she's not. She's quick to remind that the house is HERS. I'm fine with that. So? YOUR house? YOU do something to maintain it. That's what home-OWNERS do. - Anyway... I didn't note yesterday: She DID get a box to lock the thermostat up-stairs. I recommended that she check with her attorney, see if she can do that “legally”. Though here, in this shit-hole, “law” means nothing to any of them (as I've experienced). She said that Mr. Dimballs (who is, by the way, either in today or has gone in somebody else's vehicle... his, being parked, IN the drive... against the paragraph of his “lease”) had his thermostat set at “73F” and that's “not necessary”. Yeah? Well, we discussed that the old windows were so bad that the previous tenants had to put blankets over the windows to keep the cold out and now, there are new windows. It was mentioned, by HLS, that, whilst the windows were being replaced, for most of the day, there were no windows in... BUT... says she, they replaced them one at a time. “General physics” elude her. The fact that, on the day the windows were replaced, it was COLD... and that even though it was only one window at a time, there was nothing stopping the cold from coming into the house... and that it took the little idiots the entire day to do the work. Oh... well... Bottom line is that she'll do as SHE sees fit. Lock the heat or what-ever.. the world is as SHE sees fit. Fuck the rest of us all. - She'll be out of here at some point, off to get her “bed”. What she'll do with it is anybody's guess. I'd entertained myself with thoughts of making the white room quite cosy... a 20$ rug or so, arrange things nicely. But the fact of the matter is: she'll just let it go back to the way it was before I cleaned it. So? So... never mind making anything round here “cosy” or clean or nice or “civil”. She prefers filth... let HER live in it. I have this room... cluttered, perhaps a bit in disarray, but it's clean. - Meanwhile, this sunny morn, 'tis 1°, going up to 4°! with a touch or rain. Would have been a great day to take the truck in for a wash... if I had TWO feet to trod about on. Alas. And I could use a trip to get smokes today. But I'd rather not. We'll see how the day progresses. Perhaps, at some point, I will get out of here. Why? I don't really know for certain. But we'll see what the day does... when the day ends. - And now... the whirls and thudders of the washing machine. “It's baaaaack.” - 14.30 Well the day is passing... and time is passing... and I've passed the time... Ordered a new “Seagate” 1Tb drive from Staples, due Monday. MUST to back-up everything! And spent moments chatting with HLS. Dave, I'm supposing, has come to remove “the bed” from the truck. And me? I'm about to NAP! - 23.04 and the nap was about another 90 minutes... or maybe even 2 hours. In any event, it served it's purpose well: I got sleep AND it kept me out of the rest of the house for most of the day! PEACE! - At about 17.00 came the knock on the door and the invite to “have a drink”. So I had a rather quite weak rye and ginger, HLS prepped some meat-balls and risotto for me and she had something that looked like lasagna. We retired to the living-room where she dozed right off. (She's working again tomorrow during the day... maybe I'll take another shower?) - Tonight was the annual “tractor parade” with all the lights. I managed to get the whole thing on video... Why? Not sure. There might be some interesting stills in it though... for laughs, to send to the folks down South and the soc.med. - Anyway, by about 21.30 it was “lights out” in the house and I came back to the room for the evening soc.med. browse. It was rather quiet. But that's fine. Better than all the bull-shit that usually crops up. - OH... I ORDERED A 1Tb EXTERNAL DRIVE TODAY! YES, I BROKE DOWN AND GOT IT! The next couple of days will be packed with sorting through many files on the old one, cleaning out duplicates and the likes or... simply making a new drive with nothing but original files... images and all. Much work ahead. Did I NEED to spend the money? No. But I DO want a “clean” back-up of files. Why? I don't really know... “peace of mind” I suppose. - A for the foot? Well... it isn't giving me all the pain I've anticipated. I suppose that should worry me but... - Oh, and HLS tells that she stopped by her atty's office today to give him a bottle of “Grey Goose” and she tells that he went to the doctor for a general check-up and they found cancer on his kidney! He never had any symptoms! Imagine that. Me? I wonder about mine. (Never mind the “nodule” on the lung that I don't give much -any- thought to.) The kidney, says she, will be removed in January. Oh well... At least he has the ability to have it checked and have the surgery. - Other-wise, it was a rather 'warm” day... much of the snow is gone. - Dave went up-stairs and installed new window shades and the box over the thermostat which HLS has set at... 69F. Moron. Not 70... 69. But it's now locked. No word from Dimballs... I wonder how he feels about it all. Though I don't think him the type to have the guts to mention it to her... We MIGHT see come January's rent. But I doubt there'll be anything at all. They're made for each-other, Dimablls and HLS... mutually abusive. “5 for 5”. - And so, I'm off to try for another “nap” tonight. Tomorrow, if weather and pain permit, I might venture out... food, truck wash... I SHOULD head up for smokes too! We shall see how it all runs along. - One quick last note: when dinner was done, HLS says “We can have some of your chocolates for dessert.” We did. (I learnt they were 16$ the box. I was going to give her the money or find something of equal value to add to her “gift”... which converts to almost 50USD. But I don't feel in her debt at this point. I like the box... with the m'norah... I'll think of something to do with the candies... so she can enjoy them, and keep the box.) - OK. Having my water before bed. Time for the bed part. This day is DONE!
Sat.15.Dec: 9.32 I heard the 8.00 alarm... I actually heard the banging about as HLS prepped to leave at about 7.00-ish... but I got out of bed for neither. At 8.17 I was up... a note on the kitchen table: Hallie hadn't had breakfast. Oh well... the “Free Rider” attended. Then it was time for coffee and smoke, Hallie ate and went out. I went to the loo. Troubles with the morning's BM... neck stiff, back stiff, left foot stiff, left leg sore... a couple of minor spasms through the night... and a morning of “Why didn't I die in my sleep?” again, this morning. But it's supposed to go up to 4° today... bits of sun-shine. Could take the truck for a wash. “Could”. Should go get smokes... “Should”. What will come of this day is to be seen... when it's done. HLS mentioned, last evening, a meal at the “Phoenix House” in Berkshire. Nope. OH HELL NO! Said she'd “text” me during the day to see if I'm up to it (because of my foot). OH HELL NO! MORE “Free rides”? I shouldn't think so. (Pam had said “She loves you and worries about you.” and then said “She's challenged.” Not that one had anything to do with the other, but... I'll call “Bull-shit!” and let it all ride... save the remark about “challenged”.) - There's a bit of sun-shine coming through the window this morn. And the house is just me and the little ones. The pile of fire-wood is thawing out-side the garage. The snow in the back yard is such that I could put the fence back up. I don't give a shit about either. (Not true, really. I'd like, very much, to attend to both but... the more I do, the more is expected and the less is appreciated.) - I've other things on an agenda... for me. “Tidy life... and then leave it all behind. - Another day. JUST... another day. - 15.23 And I worked on it for about 3 hours or more and got the curtain rods cleaned and installed on the window in this hole... AND cut NEW “curtains” for it too... I started to sew the old ones but needles and threads wouldn't penetrate 4 layers of that “cloth”... Solution? Cut new and staple! It's all a bit tight, drawing the “curtains” back and forth, but it works... for what it is and where it is. - AND... I'm just back from the P.O. on this other-wise beautiful evening. There's sun-shine, the snows are melting, and it's really a delightful temperature. - HLS sent a text about the water... several hours after I'd sent word that the water'd been shut. She rang her Pammie who reported trouble with the “main”. After the water had come back on. Alas. - Of course, there was mention of going out to dine tonight. I replied with honesty: I can't chew so I swallow food whole which makes me sick. My foot's more trouble, especially in snow and slush (and to be honest, it's throbbing a bit even as I type). She was “understanding”. Truly, I feel horrid about being such a, as I described me, “wash out”. But the basic truth is, I will NOT be indebted any further than she's already deluded her-self into believing me. She's bringing “Chinese” tonight. Probably loaded with pork and MSG. I'll be a right mess tomorrow... IF I actually eat any (which is doubtful at this moment). - And so... the curtains, the post... loaded the stove earlier. She'd left the flue open completely when she left. She can burn that wood to death in a moment. But then again... the only thing she has to do with it is make a phone call, write a cheque. - Never mind... on with what-ever. I want a nap... and the little ones are out. Fuck me. Of course they are. - 20.39 And at about 18.15 she rolled in... with Chinese. Not a lot, wanton soup, rise, ginger chicken. Enough to call it a “meal”. It was enough for me. Though I'd had 2 slices of grainy bread with butter and a smear of tahini. So I'm set. She wasn't all too upset about not going out... she's fast asleep already on the royal recliner even now. Me? I'm ready to hit the bed m'self after an hours' “nap”. - And so... a rye and ginger and a mug of water, yes, I'm ready for bed. - One “quick” soc.med. and I'll call it “done”. It's getting chilled out there anyway. We'll see what tomorrow does. - 22.53 Well... so much for the “quick soc.med.”. Now it's time to cut this day off and try for that nightly nap. May it be solid, through, uninterrupted, and restful. (Yeah... like THAT'S going to happen.) - 23.39 ok... enough!
Sun.16.Dec.: 8.20 and up from a DREAM:
Quite bright (day-light and fluorescent lights). I'm in some sort of hospital. I'm employed there. Had to “report” for some sort of “physical exam” or another. I'd had a scheduled appointment but hadn't gone then and was there now because it was “ordered”. I was given the appointment because the staff are women, I'm the only male on staff and a special appointment had to be made for me. I'm the only male there at the time. I'm rather uncomfortable because of it and just hoping that they're re-schedule my appointment, but I doubt they will. I don't want a physical anyway. - The “clinic”/health staff are pre-occupied because of the firing of some gal. She's performed her job perfectly but her “boss” hates her for no apparent reason and has finally succeeded in getting her sacked. The rest of the staff are perplexed because there are no legitimate grounds for firing this gal. I hear the others talking about it, saying so. - The gal who's being fired, Med.Secy, young gal. Quiet. Her Supervisor simply just hated her for no apparent reason. She was in the office on her last day... about to be sacked and was being advised by Counsel of some sort (union or another), telling her that, although there are no grounds on which she can be sacked, sadly, it's already been done and there's nothing they can do about it. One of the “union-types” says to her: br />
“You never had this problem until you became computer literate”
Another one says: “We can't terminate her because she hasn't violate any rules. We''ve no actual grounds. No legal authority.”
Yet another somebody says: “You know she suicidal!”
And some stodgy, heavy-set old woman snaps: “We can't sack her because of that!”
We're out-side, on a sprawling, park-like yard. It's “late evening dark”. A bit over-cast. In the distance, down the road, by some sort of a stone bridge over a brook, there's a wedding taking place. “Miranda Hart” is a vicar of some sort, and yet, not. We're standing at a distance from the wedding. “Miranda” says to the young gal's Mum, in a tone of some degree of urgency:
“Have you got an insurance policy? Here! Sign here! QUIKCLY!” (She thrusts a bunch of papers, perhaps 7-10 pages at some woman standing in front of her... as the young girl walks briskly, but not hurredly toward the cliff.) Having handed the woman the papers, Miranda/Vicar RUNS down the road to the wedding, grabs the bride by the bodice, pulls the bodice forward and stuffs the insurance policy down her cleavage, and runs back to the rest of us.
I'm some several metres from the the cliff. I see the gal walking briskly to the cliff and with-out looking away or slowing her pace she simply walks off and disappears from sight.
I'm suddenly at the bottom of the cliff. There's a man standing at the very bottom. He yells up to the gal to have faith! The gal's falling. Suddenly, her body slams onto the ground, face down. The man just stands there as her body SLAMS onto the ground... he looks pleased.
The gal's head raises. She's not dead, but I see that she's got terrible damage to her head, there's blood, but it's not flowing, it's just there, and I know, some-how, that her neck's been broken but she can move her head and body. The gal looks up and says :“Well, looks like I didn't die.” as if the event never happened, but she's “annoyed”.
The man, with an almost disgusted facial expression says, calmly, “No my dear, it looks like you didn't die.” and then, some-what under his breath I hear him mumble “You couldn't even get THAT right!” And he smiles, offering to help her up, but she gets up on her own and says:
“Well, since I'm not dead, I have things I have to do today. May as well get on with them, then.” and standing, starts to simply walk away!
I wake...
8.46 It's taken me this long to record the dream. I wasn't going to bother because it was relatively short and in that “dozing from 8.00-8.20... but then, as I was dressing, it occurred to me that it is rather pertinent, and odd that such issues of being sacked, hated, suicidal, failing... should come to my mind in a 20-minute “doze”. So, as soon as I was dressed... I jotted the particulars. - Meanwhile, I've had my coffee. - MUST say... last night, off to bed at 23.39... at 1.33 this morning, up for a pee and back to sleep... at 4.33 this morning, up for another pee and back to sleep... next thing, I hear the morning clatter-banging of HLS reverbing through the wall at my face, as she fumbles about the wood-stove in the kitchen. I acknowledge in silence... don't bother to check the time and doze-off until “What have ya done t'day t'make ya feel proud!” at the 8.00 alarm. I let it “play” a few times, then shut it off and went back to doze/snooze... and that DREAM! - SO... one MUST say that even though the night was interrupted, only briefly, and for a pee, it was only twice, and there were about 8 hours of sleep there! How wonderful, delightful, charming, and what a pity I'm not celebratory about it. But... like the gal in the dream... “Well, since I'm not dead, I have things I have to do today. May as well get on this them, then.” Fuck. - 9.10 In from a smoke. -3 they say. Not too cold, but the earth is covered with that “frozen grey” from over-night. Greeted by Minou, with purrs and all. Brought him in, tossed his left-over breakfast with some more dry food, Refreshed his water and HLS is in the loo (prepping for Jesus, no doubt). The day has commenced. Indeed, it would appear that is has. “Well, since I'm not dead...” - 12.23 Bradley's here, hauling the bed out of the truck... and putting it on the back porch... directly in front of the window I use to smoke and the table where my “fridge-box” is. Yeah... never mind... she knows that I stand by that window to smoke. But... never mind... I'll do what I must do for me. That's how it goes round here. (Bradley told of a job he just did for somebody, hauling a vessel of some sort out of the frozen lake. Worked on it for hours, cutting 2-3ft chunks of ice, standing waist-deep in the cold water whilst the fucktard made comments about making videos of the work! When it came time to settle the fee, Bradley said “200 minimum”... the guy offered him 300! When Bradley said it was an insult, the guy offered 400. Seriously! So, as Bradley said, “There's a place for people like that.” Yes, indeed, there is... and your fellow there will have good company, because I know a gal who'll be with him. - Anyway, I've got 5 “Hannaford's” bags over my left foot, tied with a bit of string. I'm going to give the dép a try today (I just need something else to bring back.. to cover the purpose of the trip. I can use some more vinegar... it would be nice if I could get the 222s but with smokes, I dare not dare.) Oh well... we do what we must. - Oh... I showed HLS a digital of the broken bone this morning... she looked (as much as she does) at it and said “Sorry.” What-ever. Fuck. - And so, as the young lady in this morning's put it: “Well, since I'm not dead, I have things I have to do today. May as well get on with them, then.” - 17.20 Well... well... WELL!!! At about 13.00 I headed out the door and up to get m'smokes at Sonic. Stopped at Valero in Whoregate where, for a truly pushed 30$ I filled the tank from just a touch over half! Saved 10$ right there! WOOHOO! And off up the Gore Rd. to the frontier! Zip... nice African sort of fellow, quick, quick through. Took the Dutch all the way. Nice drive. - At Sonic, carton of smokes for a savings of 5$! Then I parked in Bedford, limped to Korvette where... I got TWO bottles of “Québec-made” bain moussant at 2,25 each which is less than the stuff I usually get and this one smells almost like “Algemarin”! But MORE? 4 wine glasses for HLS... originally 10$, marked down to 6$. Saved ANOTHER 4$! HEY HEY HEY! A hobble to Metro for Vachon cakes (for me), a tub of “Krema” yoghurt (which I ate when I got back and it's already churning in the gut but SO worth the eating), 2 tins of poutine sauce, 2 boxes of pasta and a package of gnochi! (Meals for me in my peaceful evenings... of which there will be only 2 this week... sadly.) Strangely, everything on sale and saved even MORE! Delighted... I rolled out of Québec and back down the Dutch, listening to the radio. (17.36 “I poured you a drink... whether you want it or not.” SNARK. Fuck you very much.) Zip back through and to the hole where I put my “purchases” on the porch and came into the kitchen. (To be continued...) - 20.06 Now... “Stroganoff” for “meal” is done... having a Vachon cake as I type... having washed the pots and pans and cleaned the stove (and that's as far as I'm going with it all). - So... I got through customs with my smokes and such, and rolled back into the hole. Now... she'd called “Bradley” to take the Maryrose bed out of the truck BUT... in my absence, she'd asked him to stack the wood from out-side the garage! And he did... MOST of it! I was going to toss it all into the garage and then stack it but Bradley had gotten most of what was out there. Before I'd noticed it, I noticed the garage light on and asked why it was on. “I don't know. I guess I didn't turn it off.” Fucking liar, that one. I blew it off (I'm getting better at remembering: “She's challenged.”) and went out to toss the remaining wood. As I was doing, she headed for the store and stopped in the drive to ask why I was doing the work. “I'm not a free rider.” I said. “Who said you were?” she asked. Honestly? Does she NOT remember what she says or is she just that into lying? I doubt we'll ever know the truth about that. Anyway, I ignored the rest and continued tossing. Suddenly, Bradley drove into the drive. He'd taken his kid to a birthday party and come back to finish the work. WE WORKED TOGETHER! I'M BLOWN AWAY... HELP... ASSISTANCE... AND WITH SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS HOW TO STACK FIRE-WOOD! WHAT A GIFT! - Anyway... so, “What have ya one t'day t'make ya feel proud?” Managed my trip to Bedford (and never had a stumble or such with French... I'm getting THAT good at it)..., made it through the bull-shit of “customs”, stacked the remaining fire-wood! Indeed... not too shoddy. And all with the broken toe (that didn't bother me today... I wonder why). - So we sat and had “meal” together... with a stronger rye'n'ginger tonight. After, she headed right for the recliner and is asleep. - Tomorrow, she won't be leaving until about 20.00 (HELP ME!) - And tomorrow I should be receiving my “MagLite” and new SeaGate drive! MY gifts to ME! YAY! - I think I'll wrap the glasses tonight, just to get that out of the way. But first... some soc.med. - Honestly... I'm tired enough to just go to bed. I'd've luvd a shower but... too much work, too much effort and I don't want to hear about the cling-wrap I use. So tomorrow night... SHOWER for me! (I hope.) - Really though... I'm quite actually quite tired. - 23.56 Xmas wrapping is done for HLS! So it comes to about 55USD or so (with taxes) or 67CAD which is my actual cost. Not, mind, that the cost should have anything to do with anything. Still, there are 2 boxes (and if I can get the country music together on a disc... there'll be 3 little gifts under the tree for “Mommie”). What-evuh. If I can get into St.A. I'm thinking catnip and snax for Mimou and snax for Hallie. Although, I buy them edibles anyway. Still, food is what they know best and appreciate most. I'll be digging into “reserves”, but this will be the last Xmas here... one way or another. Makes no difference to me at this point. - Anyway... it's later than I expected this night to get. Why I had to wrap the glasses tonight is anybody's guess. But at least it's all done. - I've had my vinegar already... having the extra water too and one last smoke. - I could stand a shower (or at least a hand-wash) but... never mind. Tomorrow night I can address it all. - I must say though, with broken toe and all... the house is still maintained (and will continue to be so), as if nothing ever happened. I KNOW it's not appreciated, nor is it noted for any worth. But it's another job... just a “job”, and I have to think of it as such. “HomeCare” for a “community home”. That's all it really is. For the “challenged”. As long as I can keep that thought in mind... time will pass all the better. - And so, time to wrap-up this day as well. 9 more days to go until... then 10 until a touch more income for another month. (As I said at table this evening: Now... what repairs need to be made NEXT month?) - OH! As I see it, the external drive should arrive tomorrow... the flashlight? Wednesday instead of tomorrow. Some-where along the line it got “delayed”. Honestly... nobody actually “WORKS” these days. It's a grand time to be “old”.
Mon.17.Dec: 9.58! The 8.00 alarm sounded. I snoozed. Three times... and then fell asleep. Got up and out of the bed thinking it was about 8.30... the clock on the lap-top tells me it was 9.41! I'd actually fallen ASLEEP at about 8.15! Bad night? Nothing out of the “ordinary” really. A few spasms, three pee-breaks. But dreams of mowing the lawn, working round the grounds... I guess I knocked m'self out... in my dreams... literally. - Well, no matter. - Out for a smoke and the flocons are falling. Nothing of note. It's supposed to be doing that through the day, says the forecast of last night. I don't care. I want to get to Walmarde at some point today, pick up something for Hallie and Mimou for the “holiday”. Meanwhile... what-ever will be, will be. - Tight in the chest this morn. Stiff in the toes too. Alas. Last night's research claims it takes 6-8 weeks for a toe to mend. Tomorrow is week 1. And so, on we roll along... along... along. - Let's see what we can salvage of this day meanwhile. - Tah-fucking-dah. Eh? - I wonder why there's been no word from Denis. (None from Dorothy either, for that matter.) I wonder. - 11.42 Slow morning of soc.med. HLS took off earlier... has returned. I spoke... she doesn't seem to be too thrilled about something... as she continues packing things to post. - Meanwhile... ONE piece of fire-wood left in the kitchen. She'd left the house and left the stove door open! Determined to burn EVERY piece of fire-wood in the kitchen. “Challenged”. I mean... GODS FORBID she should leave this house and leave ANY fire-wood in the kitchen! Well? It's as I do: Stack the wood and crank-up the furnace. “Equalisation”... I call it. - 13.32 Heading out to Walmarde... Hallie and Mimou shopping (primarily). Oddly... the thought alone of going to “shop” makes my stomach churn. Gone are the happier days when shopping was “fun”. - Sill waiting for my “parcels” too. - And HLS is in the kitchen... putting together tortieres... “Bless her heart”... as it were. - 23.29 She left at about 20.00 after we had a light “meal” and drinks. I'm JUST finishing the house-work, including wood-stacking in the kitchen and Hoovering. But I put the few dishes from the sink into the dishwasher for the night, washed the pots and everything's in order. - Now... for the day... I DID make it to Walmarde! Left at about 13.30... rolled back in at about 17.00!!! Good thing I had that “stray” 60$ in my little bag because I managed to spend 54,36 of it! “Treats” for Hallie, 12,98; 12 little plastic containers of “Rachel Ray's” kitty food, 10,98; a little mouse for Mimou, 3,97 - Those were gifts for under the tree for them. PLUS, I got 12 tins of regular food for Minou at 6,72 (and the comment when I brought them to the kitchen: “Is that what we usually get?” I said “Yeah.” “Don't we usually get the 24 or 30 can box?” I felt like saying “WE don't usually get ANY... WE usually wait for ME to get the fucking food!” but I didn't bother because of the “break” I had when I got in... more on that in a moment. I got a large egg-nog at 5,50, one for “the house” and one for ME. Then there were 2 rolls of wrapping and a garland for gift-wrap... paper at 97-cents each and garland at 98 cents. For me? The one egg-nog and a roll of tape at 1,42 and pads at 1,74 for changing the dressing on the toe. All told? Out of the total, I spent 8,66 on me... 43,07 on the little ones... and the 5,50 for the fucking egg-nog. Yeah... I don't mind the shopping for the little ones' gifts... not in the least! But this bull-shit about buying cat food in general gets to me quite a bit. “Free ride”! Just not even fuck her! - Meanwhile, I'd driven along as the snow was falling, listening to a CD, and almost enjoying the drive, especially after getting little gifts for the little ones when... I get to the shit-hole and... THE FUCKING DRIVE IS BLOCKED! I HAD TO PUT THE TRUCK INTO 4-WHEEL AND DRIVE OVER A SNOW-BANK BESIDE Mr. Dimballs' CAR! SHE WAS BLOCKING THE HOUSE END... AND HE'S PARKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHGATE ST. END... AGAINST WHERE THERE'S A PARAGRAPH IN HIS LEAST THAT PROHIBITS IT! I LET HER HAVE IT! TOLD HER, POINT BLANK, REPEATEDLY, AND WITH AS MANY VULGARITIES AS WERE CALLED-FOR THAT, IF I HAVE TO DO SUCH AGAIN, AND SHOULD THERE BE ANY DAMAGE TO MY TRUCK BECAUSE OF IT, I'M HAULING BOTH OF THEM INTO COURT... AND NEVER MIND THE “FREE RIDE”... I'LL HAVE MY “FREE RIDE”, IN THE FORM ON A NEW TRUCK! AND I IMPRESSED UPON HERE (as much as is possible) THAT I'M NOT FUCKNG AROUND WITH ANYBODY ANY LONGER! I PUT UP WITH THE SHIT FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS WITH THE SHIT-BAGS WHO WERE UP THERE BEFORE. I'M NOT PUTTING UP WITH ANYTHING FROM THIS ONE. She gave it her usual dodge... “Let's have a drink.” I almost lost my everything, told her it's exactly like tending to a community home for the terminally retarded around here. Well.. now she's heard it. My point is stated. Where it goes from here? That's all to be seen. (I'm seriously considering sending her a “formal” complaint, certified mail... giving her 10 days to “correct” and then taking it to the courts anyway. If I have the time and the where-with-all... off to the bench we all go. - THEN... As she's putting up the lights on the fucking tree, I thought to check the front porch... and YES! BOTH, the flash-light AND the external drive were on the stoop, right out-side the door! SHE'D BEEN IN THE FUCKING HOUSE ALL FUCKING AFTER-NOON AND DIDN'T HEAR A KNOCK ON THE DOOR? DIDN'T NOTICE THE UPS DROP? WHAT A FUCKING QUNT! Seriously. Fucking bull-shit to the eye-brows... and beyond round here! - OK... so we sit, have a drink, have the left-overs for “meal”... all's settling down... nice chatting. ONE FUCKING PIECE OF FIRE-WOOD IN THE BINS IN THE KITCHEN! I tell her that the temperatures are supposed to drop again for the next 2-3 nights. Reply? “I leave the flue open wide because the stove doesn't get warm if I don't.” Me? I simply said “Funny, that, because I don't have any of that trouble.” Yep again... fucking retard... “challenged”, as Pam put it so almost-perfectly well. - Fine... the point of the matter is that she left, I re-stacked the kitchen wood (with ice-frozen wood... 3 “chairs” worth), got the fire going again, wrapped the gifts, Hoovered, got the kitchen cleaned, and now? I'd give anything to be able to shower right now, tonight, but I'm too fucking tired AND it's too much effort with the foot. So? Tomorrow, during the day... The floors can be mopped on Wednesday night or Thursday morning. No sense even trying to get this place all together. I'm just tired of it all. - But I've got my “light” back on my keys again... now to get the other 100 back in there since there's only one now. And I'll have to replenish my “stash”... and none of that's going to happen before the 26th... thankfully, not too far off. - Now? Seems the snow stopped for a bit. I see the temp is at -7 which it tomorrow's “HIGH”. -9 with chill of -18 for tonight. Quite the wind blowing too! Tomorrow night's low, -13. Wednesday high, -2, Thursday high, 3, low, 0. Friday high, 9! And of course... rain. Oh well. Next Monday (THE eve)... -4 with “averses de neige isolée”. Eh ben. OK then. - For now, it's time for my vinegar, water and a last smoke... it's time to close this day. - BUT OH WHAT A RELIEF TO KNOW THAT Mr. “FREE-RIDER” HAS GIFTS TO PUT UNDER THE TREE THIS YEAR! (It'll be interesting to see the response when I out-right refuse to accept, never mind “open” any given to me. And that's exactly how it's going to be... I'm not touching ANY of them. She was given notice. If she chooses to ignore it... that's her business, not mine.) - Off we go... a bit of soc.med. with my vinegar. (I'd MUCH rather have a v-ton... but there's no tonic, not enough vodka to make it worth the effort and... I don't want the pain that goes with it anyway.)
Tue.18.Dec: 1.55 Still up and going for FINAL smoke! Looked-up Hudson Bay blankets! IN BROSSARD! SHOPPING TRIP! (Next month.) I still have a LOT of work to do on the new external drive too... Oh well. Meanwhile, the wood in the stove? Shit. Won't “burn”. The house is chilly and the night is cold. I'd like a shower... but... never mind. Time to wrap the wrap and try for a nap. Oh, by the way: Apple Cider Vinegar... good to prevent leg spasms. 'magin dat! - 8.43 and the “mourning routine” [sic] is complete... ALL of it. Yes, I heard the 8.00 alarm. “Snoozed” it until about 8.20... and all the while, to the calls of Minou. How I would have luved to be “snoozing” even now. Six hours of... well... once-interrupted “repose” through the night. But waking to look like utter shit, and feeling not so different from. But at least it's not “bitter” cold this morning, and there was no more snow during the night in addition to what had fallen. The roads, of course, are just barely covered with brown snow. But nothing “serious”. Last night's wood in the stove burned down to almost nothing at all and it was a bit of a bitch getting it re-started. And there's no dry wood to be added to what's in there, which isn't much at all. Well? We shall make do with what we have and have done with it. - My foot is a bit throbbie, as it were. And I've no ambition toward dressing as yet. Six hours just wasn't enough. - Oh well... - Plans? I WANT to get that fucking bed off the back porch and into the white room, make a “music CD” for HLS (Denis Champoux perhaps), get the new external drive at least started so to back-up the necessary files properly... - Last night, before getting into bed, I looked-up “Baie Hudson” stores and blankets. A new 8-point (like that which I used to have) is about 450CAD! I remember paying only about 210 back when they closed in centre city Montréal! BUT... there are stores in Sherbrooke and Brossard! AND they're on-line as well! Do I “need” a new one? No. As I just thought, with morning smoke: This is the time when I should be thinking more along the lines of getting rid of the one I have and NOT getting a new one. And “originals” can go for thousands. On-line, there are many being offered for sale, for 100s. I wonder. Well... one thing: it would be a delight to even be able to browse in a store again. Something to ponder... one of these days, I suppose. - Meanwhile? Off to the loo... to lock m'self in. Minou is back as I type. He and Hallie have been out. She ate. He nibbled. I want to go back to bed (and I just might do so... even for another hour). - It's “chilled” in this hole this morning. Nothing intolerable, but “chilled”, none-the-less. - 10.00 Morning loo done... feeling just only a bit better. Time to roll along. - Sad... to see Minou sitting at the porch door, in the cold, looking out to the yard. He's got some little “friend” out there, some-where... I can't help but think: He's like me... We have those, “out there”, like I think of those from the Shelter... we were homeless... I'm here now... where are they? He was homeless... and his friends are still out there... some-where. Where are they? (I'll put my life on the bet that, should one of his friends show up, HLS would take him/her in too. In THAT respect, she's a marvellous human being. One has to give credit, where it's due.) - On with this day. I don't know where I should start... I'll try starting with music. - In this bed with no rest... I'm homeless.... - 19.48 I'VE PUT THE BED TOGETHER IN THE WHITE ROOM, MOVED THE PLANTS ACROSS TO THE SHELF, INSTALLED THE LIGHTS FOR THEM, MOVED THE BOOK-CASE FROM PORCH TO WHITE ROOM, CLEANED THE FLOOR THERE, BROUGHT THE WOODEN CRATE FROM THE BARN INTO THE LITTLE ROOM AND GOTTEN THAT INSTALLED AT THE FOOT OF THE BED, HOOVERED ALL THE FLOORS, RE-STARTED THE WOOD-STOVE SO IT PROVIDES HEAT, heated the gnocchi and satuéed them in poutine gravy, eaten... (had two egg-nog and ryes too... with “meal”), DISHES ARE DONE AND ALL PUT UP... and it all started at about... where... when... oh, some time round about noon-ish. AND IT'S DONE! AND I SENT 3 SNAPS OF THE WHITE ROOM TO THE QUNT... let's see what kind of response it gets... this is the THIRD time I've put that fucking room together. - And now? I'm rather exhausted! OH... I GOT TODAY'S POST IN TOO! - Mr. “FreeRide”... Mr. Woodhauler... You know what? FUCK HER! FUCK THEM! FUCK EVERYBODY! (Oh... I set the Panasonic speakers from Viv up in the little room too... have been listening, rather loudly, to MY music. Danced my hoo-hah off to “Groove Is In The Heart” and “I Got The Power”... ONE FOOT! I CAN STILL MOVE IT!) - Anyway... as I was about to say... I'm EXHAUSTED. BUT... *WHAT HAVE YA DONE T'DAY T'MAKE YA FEEL PROUD?” “One more fuckin' love-song, I'll be sick.” - The place smells of Lysol... sadly, the “lemon”, but it's SO FUCKING CLEAN IN HERE! (VERY un-like the way the qunt and her new little Mr. Dimballs would have the place.) - MIC DROP! - 22.26 No shower tonight... tomorrow is fine (I hope). - Response from the photos of the white room? “Sorry you had to do that alone.” Fuck you! No “thanks”. Ungrateful QUNT! Entitled retard. Total shit-bag, that one. Anyway... I feel good because it looks nice when I glance in there. Almost comfy enough to where I'd sleep in there. But... NO! I have my “little room” and here's where I stay. Hey... I did the work and I have photos to remind me. The dishes are all done. The place is clean. I did it... I feel good... it's what I've “done today to make me feel proud” and that's all that matters. - I'm exhausted. My “kidney” is kicking now though so I'm off to the bed to sleep... I hope. There's nothing more I can do, should do, want to do, need to do. As for the qunt? She's upset because she has to get up at 4.00 tomorrow to take one of her little retards to the airport. Poor dear... (either of them). Well... she treats me as they treat her... so I can take solace in that much. After all... I can imagine how incompetent she is... that's why her “union” supports her... she's an idiot... useless, I'm sure. One of these days... those who protect her will be gone and that will be the end of her and all of what she takes for granted. No sympathy due... none forth-coming. (I just pray that I'm FAR from here when it happens.) - It's cold out there tonight and chilly in here too. But I'm not going to put the furnace up... I've got the radiator. The wood is “thawing” in the stove so it's not burning. But it's in there. I'll be using what *I* need... tough shit on the rest. - Fro now... having my vinegar and water... brushing my teeth. Tomorrow? SHOWER! Tonight... (I hope)... SLEEP!
Wed.19.Dec: 1.17 Over did it again... and now... time to try for a nap. - PS: I checked my toe a little while ago... the base is BLUE-BLACK! So I taped it to the other toe on the other side and put the ACE back on. No pain... but I'm sure that all the “activity” today, with the bed and book-case didn't “help the healing”. Oh well. Fuck this place and this shit and all the rest. - Time for that nap. - 8.41 and here we go again... .FUUUUUUUUUCKCKCK!!! (and this morning the toe is SORE... just like LAST week... and I want to VOMIT!) - 9.18 Breakfast served. Litter-box cleaned. Garbage to curb. Ash bucket emptied. Cool morn. Sun shining. Didn't vomit. Key-board is fucking about this morning. And I want to go back to sleep... I did sleep through last night, in spite of the throbbing of the foot. But... it's another morning... and I want to go back to sleep. NEVER any rest for the weary... in the land of Fucktardia, on the estate of Shitholia! Oh HAIL! (or fucking HELL!) - OH DO I NEED TO BATHE! There's a “fragrance” this morning... indeed. And I have to remember to get up off this foot during the day, get that pooled blood out of there. Well... there really isn't anything on the agenda, save some computer-biz. Let's see how it all goes... when the day has gone... and all is... fuck it... move along. - 11.49 and... the kitchen wood is re-stacked, the stove is set up... the ash bucket is empty, the garbage is at the curb and today's post is in. Me? I'm “wrapped”. No more shit except for a Hoover and mopping. I've laundry to do and a shower to take, but I'm waiting for that until the end of day. - Received a message from her Qunsthip: she sent it at 5.46 this morning! “Consideration” that it makes no difference: she's awake therefore the world must be too. Retard. Oh, to see these days come to an end! - BUT... THE WORK HERE IS DONE! MY “RENT” IS PAID... Mr. FREERIDER. Bull-shit to it all. - 16.24 Had half of the noodles left-overs (and it will appear that that's all I've eaten in the past 3 days when she returns... no doubt, I'll have the rest when she returns... what-ever). And after that, an hours' nap on the recliner. Yes... I dozed off. - As for the rest of the day? Not much. I did “tidy” the plant lights in the white room... putting a power-strip up for three lamps. And now, I've got jammies in the washer. I'll put clothes in tonight... after my shower which I MUST take tonight... like it or not. - So much for this day. - 22.14 WOOHOO! SHOWERED! BEARD TRIMMED. MOUSTACHE TRIMMED. TEETH SCRUBBED. *ME* SCRUBBED!!!!! Took me almost 2 hours but it's DONE! What a wonderful feeling! Jammies clean too! Clothes are just going into the spin. Shower's clean. Kitchen floor, mopped. House Hoovered. The stove set for a match in the morning (if needed at all... I might not even bother... because she'll march in the door and immediately go for burning EVERY bit of wood stacked and she can fuck her-self if she thinks I'll be re-stacking the kitchen any time before next week). AND... the plant lights went out at 22.00... as set! THIS day is DONE baby! THAT'S what I've done today to make me feel PROUD! And I've had my vinegar too. “Meal”? The gnocchi is gone, so too, MY container of egg-nog. There's another half gallon in the fridge in addition to what-ever's in her quart. I owe NOTHING! What a delight... to be CLEAN AGAIN! And I used that new “bain moussant”... I know why it was so cheap... won't be getting that again any time too soon to be sure. But it served its purpose tonight. (If only I could wash my left foot though... Maybe next week some-time. It'll be 2 weeks on Christmas day. No doubt she'll be here. But hopefully, maybe, on Boxing Day?) - Anyway... spin's done. Drier time. And then... “Check-out” time for me! (I dread tomorrow... I truly do... the return of the retard.)
Thu.20.Dec: 0.11 Well... wash is finally done and time for me to have last smoke and wrap this up! Another late one but... NO MUNCHIES! (and no booze!) - 8.56 and ALL the “morning routine” is complete. And I got out of the bed at 8.20, after several “wake-up calls” from Mr. Minou. I didn't WANT to get out of the bed this morning. Through the night... ever 2 hours... pee-breaks. Indeed. Into bed round about midnight... 2.-something... 4.-something... 6.-something... up to the loo. In and of its own respect, it's rather interesting, to me... the 2-hour time. - During one of my “sleep” interludes, there was a dream of some kind. I was in a shopping mall parking lot, I'd been to some kind of “meeting” or something of the sort, I can't remember what. I'd parked the truck, gone into the building/mall and when I came out, it was already dark. When I got to where I believed I'd parked the truck, there was “a” truck, though smaller than mine, blue-ish in colour (and I didn't think mine was blue... mine was grey or something but...) THE FRONT AND ALONG THE DRIVER'S SIDE WAS BURNED! As if the engine had caught fire OR somebody had set it a-fire! I was shocked, confused, almost devastated! I looked for a license plate but there was none on the front. I walked round from front to driver's side, looking, trying to remember my plate number. “208... something”. I was heading toward the back of the little truck to check for a plate. Another vehicle was parked beside. I remembered a much larger truck being parked beside when I'd pulled-in but realised that that truck could have left, replaced by the smaller vehicle now there. I wasn't positive that the burned vehicle was mine, that I COULD be mistaken as to where I'd parked... I didn't want to believe that the burned vehicle was actually mine. As I walked toward the back of this disaster... the dream ended. - OK. SO! I wonder what brought THAT to my dreams. Meanwhile, MY truck is in the back yard, in the morning sun which is rising brilliantly. It's still just below freezing this morning. Today, it's supposed to go to about 4°. MAYBE I'll take the truck in for a wash. Tomorrow is supposed to be about 6°... and rain. I really should wash the truck, get the road-shit off it. I just don't want it to freeze after. We shall see. - Anyway... today I'd like to get another “Country-Québec” CD done for HLS. Let us continue to be “caring” and “giving”... that's how my Mama raised me. And I am NOT one of THESE savages. - Time to... move along. - 22.43 OK. So I worked pretty much all damned day on that new “Country CD”... and JUST now got it done. (IF she goes to the funeral she spoke of, tomorrow... I'll get the cover printed, then get it wrapped and I'M DONE! DONE! DONE! with all this “holiday” bull-shit!) I'm not THRILLED with it, had to “convert” about 5 files before they'd record (now I just hope the shits play in the truck... I'll have to test one tomorrow, I believe... if they don't work? Well... We'll have to RE-MAKE them... I suppose... AFTER the holiday!) - That said, I think she rolled in at about 14.00. Had gone shopping. None of my business. She'd also taken the truck through the car-wash... on a cold day like today... even though it was just barely over freezing. Seems the back cap-hatch is now stuck. Oh well and alas. I didn't even TRY to offer any assistance. - She noticed the white room. Made lovely comments. I'm sure she's not “thrilled” with it but... it's done. Fuck it. (Minou's already found the “new” bed and has taken it for his own... for a while, anyway... GOOD! I'm glad he's got “HIS” own room now... if he wants it.) - Today's “meal” was half of the left-over noodles and beef... which was half of what had been left-over anyway (I KNEW I'd end up getting it anyway). So... I'm rather hungry right now... with NOTHING to eat... save the 2 boxes of pasta and the tin of poutine sauce... which have to be cooked and... never mind.) - It was a “calm” evening though and we should be happy about that... one supposes. - Meanwhile, my nose has been itchy and I've been sneezing all through the day... making my throat a bit sore. I wonder what's in there, now that I've trimmed the moustache. Figures... feeling like shit... but then... par for the course. - As I type, the rains have begun out-side. Tomorrow is supposed to be quite warm... I'm thinking of taking the truc through the wash, rain or not, get the under-side washed. It'll need that much. (Not that I have all the money for such nonsense... HLS paid 15$ for hers, in Colchester! Hopefully, I can get away with only 10... in Enosburgh.) - I've had my vinegar for the night and as I say, I'm a touch hungry and there's nothing to eat and my nose is a bit raw so I'm off to a smoke, a touch of soc.med. (A TOUCH!!! NOT THE WHOLE FUCKING NIGHT!) and then... hopefully, to a night of sleep (with, of course, the expected break every 2 hours...) - Another day done. At least I've got the 2nd CD done. THAT'S a relief to me.
Fri.21.Dec: ***** WINTER ***** 17.23 1.13 My nose is driving me insane! It feels as if it could be a cold, but the rest of me doesn't have the symptoms. Well... I suppose we'll see what it's all about after a nap. - HLS is up in the kitchen, slamming shit about in the wood-stove. Qunt. Never mind that anybody else in the house might be trying to rest (sure, she probably noticed the light on in the room here, under the door - I need to address that shit - but still... BANGING in the wood-stove? As I say: qunt.) It'll be Hell later, when she has to re-start the damned thing. Oh well. - Time for the LAST smoke and try for a nap! - 9.12 ALL night... HALF-AWAKE... ALL NIGHT... until the 7.30 alarm... and then... I turned that off and started to doze until... the 8.00 alarm... and then... I turned THAT off and actually dozed... until about 9.00. Sleep? 8.00-9.00 this morning. Why? No idea. I just wouldn't slip through that one state between sleep and wake... all night. And I'm still sneezing this morning. How charming. Well? If this morning I'd woken with no pains or discomforts... I'd know, for certain, I'd died last night. - Let's see how the rest of this day goes; shall we boizengurlz? YAY! (fuck) - 11.45 Despite the fact that my nose is leaking... all down my face at this point... I've managed to get my little “chores” completed! HLS toddled out the door at about 10.30 and me? I printed the new cover for the 2nd CD, got it together and wrapped. DONE! ALL of the “holiday parcels” are wrapped and done. Got another bottle of “coffee water”, cleaned the “midnight chambre bottle” rinsed, washed a couple bits in the kitchen sink, rinsed the honey jar (no more honey to nosh on, oh well), had another smoke, gave Minou his “snax”... Doesn't look like very much of much but they're the “little” things that annoy. Oh... and I even got to use the loo! So there! Now? My nose is still bugging the Hell out of me, with sneezing and dripping. Eyes are teary. My head still feels rather like it would explode, given the opportunity. But I still have cause to believe that it's something I snorted from the fire-wood... which reminds me: She's got the fucking stove burning!!!! OF COURSE SHE DOES! Because there's wood in the kitchen! Says she: It's warm out-side but this old brick house hold the cold so keeping the stove burning keeps the chill away. Me? I call it full of bull-shit! Had *I* started that stove, I'd've been told that I'm wasting fire-wood, that replacing it will cost her more than she has. She's an idiot... “challenged”... as Pam called it. But, if she runs the wood down (which she WILL do), I'll be damned if I'll replenish it. She'll be going back to work on Monday evening... if I need, I'll get for ME... and only what I need. What-ever she leaves behind will be here to welcome her on her return. And that's my “resolution”. - For now... I started moving files from the SeaGate500 to the lap-top... which will then be moved to the SeaGate1Tb. THAT'S going to be involved. But, I'm in no rush. - I wanted to take the truck out for a wash today. It's raining now. I'll see what the weather's like when HLS returns. (It the weather cooperates, it'll get me out and away. The less time for “conflicts” and “confrontations”, I suppose. - I'd like to go back to bed but, there's really no sense to that. Just no sense at all. - I probably should ring Ev. Probably should try Denis. Probably won't do either. Alas. Oh well. - 20.38 WELL WELL WELL... WENT TO ST.A. FOR TRUCK WASH... 11$. PLUS 5$ FOR THE HAND-HELD EXTRA WAS IN THE NEXT BAY FOR A TOTAL OF 16$ FOR THE TRUCK-WASH! BUT IT GOT THE FULL WASH (what-ever that is) and an extra coat of cheap-shit “wax”... AND... it rained all the way TO St.A. but NOT on the way BACK! So THAT was good! And I stopped at Mc.D's for a 6$ 20-pc. Mc Fukkitz! So I got to EAT too! Left at about 15.00 and got back at about 16.45. Not bad! On time to see ***WINTER*** in with a rye-and-egg-nog! Nice... or... what-ever. No rain on the trip back but the FOG was THICK! I mean... “WOW!” kind of thick! Fascinating. And in spots, the moon... FULL and BRILLIANT, was trying to cut through the low fog. It was a sight to behold. Too bad I wouldn't stop to take photos, but I don't trust these morons on these roads. Still, it was a delight. - Back at the hole, of course, I had to manipulate the truck back into the parking space, and so, ran over the fucking sand-bag and brick by the phone shed. I'm SICK of this bull-shit. And Dimballs is STILL parked in the drive! She (HLS) is SUCH A FUCKING LIAR! FUCKING QUNTY LIAR. - Anyway... she prepped some make-shit “paté chinois... with fucking peas and green beans... I had the equivalent of 2 tablespoons.... just to make it appear that I ate. But we had 2 drinks each... and I poured... one for her and one “real” one for me. So fucking there. - And the evening rolled along. - Today came the letter from soc.sec. informing of the “rise” in January. As it turns, I get about 24$ more each month, but still, there's the 15% pulled plus the 5$. I've “budgeted” and “forecasted” to February. Not TOO bad... but fuck me! I COULD have been getting 900... but NOPE! JUST UNDER! Ah... “Life”... what a grand fuck. But I think I'm going to try for the “Shelter 60%” rule and see how that works out. (Noting: The brakes are still bad... still sinking... there's another 122$ brake job in the making. Of course. But the truck is clean now... and waxed. I suppose THAT'S something to be OK about.) - And now, as I type, I've just taken 2 Benadryl... this cold is kicking my arse and roughing my nose and throat. Hopefully, I'll be able to get to bed in about 30-45 minutes and pass out. I'm thinking that tomorrow will be the HELL. I can only hope to get it over and done with tomorrow. - Meanwhile too... a note on the white room? IT DIDN'T TAKE HER 24 FUCKKING HOURS! NOT EVEN 24 FUCKING HOURS... SHE PUT THE WATERING CAN ON THE FLOOR, MOVED THE LITTLE “PLASTIC DRAWERS” IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND PUT HER EMPTY CARDBOARD “CANDLE” BOXES ON IT! LEFT THE FUCKING WATERING CAN JUST THERE. DIDN'T TAKE HER 24-FUCKING HOURS! ANDLET ME NOTE: SHE GETS ANOTHER FUCKING CALENDAR IN THE POST AND I JOKED ABOUT THEM WANTING 25$. YEP, SURE ENOUGH... SO SHE LOOKS AT THE FUCKING LETTER AND SAYS... “THEY DON'T CALL ME SO I'LL SEND THEM 25$!” FUCKING RETARD, THAT ONE. TOTALLY HOPELESS... NEVER MIND USELESS! FUCK! SO I SAID “YOU CAN'T REALLY BE *THAT* STUPID! THEY DON'T CALL YOU SO YOU'LL SEND THEM 25$ SO THEY'LL TRACK YOUR NUMBER AND START CALLING YOU? YOU BEST HOPE I DON'T ANSWER BECAUSE I'LL TELL THEM WHAT I TOLD THE RNC! I'M SICK OF THE PHONE RINGING EVERY EVENING WHEN YOU'RE NOT HERE. JUST SICK OF IT. IT'S A DISTRACTION, AN ANNOYANCE AND I'LL NOT PUT UP WITH ANY MORE OF IT. YOU JUST CAN'T BE *THAT* STUPID!” YEAH... SHE CAN BE AND I'VE NO DOUBT SHE'LL BE SENDING THEM 25$... AND WHINING... REPEATEDLY, TO ME, ABOUT NOT HAVING ENOUGH MONEY FOR THE HOUSE... (NEVER MIND... FOOD FOR THE LITTLE ONES). OK. SO SINCE *I* HAVE TO BEAR THE BRUNT OF HER RETARDATION, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO STEP IN, AS “CARE-GIVER”, AND HANDLE THE SITUATION FROM HERE ON... I GET THE POST? THE SHIT MAIL GOES TO THE STOVE! PERIOD. THE PHONE RINGS? I ANSWER... AND THEY GET A DOSE OF MY PERSONAL “CHARM”. WHAT HAPPENS TO HER REPUTATION? DON'T FUCKING CARE. UNTIL SUCH TIME WHEN I NO LONGER SIT, LISTENING TO THE FUCKING PHONE, I HANDLE IT ALL THE WAY *I* SEE FIT. THE END. LET'S CALL IT A “NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION”. THEN END. - And now... 20.55, she's up and about, heading for bed, crashing about at the wood-stove, which isn't, at all, necessary tonight. BANG! THE STOVE! BANG! THE RECLINER! THUMP THUMP THUMP, THE POUNDING OFHOOVES ACROSS THE FLOOR. - My eyes are tearing. My nose is a constant drip. Mouth-breathing at this point. Can't wait for the Benadryl to kick-in... and off to bed I go! No vinegar tonight... just in case. I'll hope the Benadryl does a good job at keeping me asleep... at least for only pee-breaks during the night. I'll hope... I won't expect it though. - And so WINTER has arrived... the longest night of the year, the best season... Tomorrow is supposed to start rather warm and then the temperatures are supposed to drop, but not TOO far. She's going to be around all day tomorrow (HELP ME!). But the tree is decorated... When she toddles off to her tards on Monday, there's going to be a LOT of work to be done round here. (I'm almost tempted to trash the white room... then tell her, I'd done so for her... since she HATES and orderly and clean house... fucking slob!) - 23.31 and the TWO Benadryl haven't done much to help my symptoms so... I'll take another in a few minutes and head for bed. It's been soc.sec. time... and OH! My “Twitter Author Account” has been “re-activated”... after I threatened litigation and the AG! GREAT! Now I can actually delete the damned thing m'self!... Tomorrow.
Sat.22.Dec: 10.53 What a time to be STARTING the day! But getting to sleep last night was rather a bit of a battle. I'm not sure when I finally went “out” but... I only barely remember turning off the 8.00 alarm and I got out of bed at... 10.36! The Beneadryl? It took long enough to kick in, I tell ya. But I took another one with the morning's vits. So let's see how this day rolls along. - Just out on the porch for a smoke, watching the flocons dancing on the breeze. It's not “cold”... yet. But enough for flocons. And as I'm standing at the window, HLS came out of the kitchen, with Hallie, and the two of them went to the yard... HLS to the p.o. and Hallie just sniffing in the air. Neither one on them seemed to notice me standing there. I said nothing, they said nothing and I came back into the house. Oh well. - As for the “cold” I have (or what-ever), it's a lot in the chest, where Benadryl will put it, and there's a touch of sinus. As I say... we'll see how this day goes with it. No doubt I've got at least one day coming where it's going to be horrific. But for now, until then... - Agenda for the day? The SeaGate transfers. Nothing more, really. No shopping to be done. No money to shop with at this juncture. - First thought though, of this morning: Moving away from here... the budgeting associated with. How charming. One of these days... PLEASE... SOON!!! - OH, I almost forgot to add, yesterday: There was a little video posted to Minds a day or two ago. A little “blonde” cat, staring at an older mobile phone, a video of his/her owner who'd died. The cat stared at the little video and then laid down next to the phone. The cat remembered the owner and recognised him/her! I showed it to HLS and as she watched, I told her to read the description of what she was looking at. I even explained it (because I know she's too fucking dense to comprehend the printed description). Her response? “How could they do that to that poor cat?” She seriously did NOT understand the point: that the cat has the ability to recongnise the person on the video and misses him/her! Honestly! Being here IS EXACTLY the same as working in a “Community Home”... for the retarded. I don't understand how she manages to get on with ADLs! And I'm better understanding why her kids want her out of this house... and in a “home”. Well? It serves a purpose for me... I'm not out in the wilderness, I have a warm room and I have my few little possessions with me. It's not “fun”, it's not “pleasant”, but it's not a shelter... no curfews, no “sign-ins”, no being tossed out. I suppose I need to work with those aspects... as best as I can. She's a “client”. Once I get to where I can accept that fact, things will be better. But I don't have the patience, and I don't have any of what's necessary to deal with and handle the nonsense. Truth is: This is NOT a “re-hab” situation... like Alzheimer's, “you can't bring them back to the reality of the present, you have to go to where they are.” - 19.17 It's been a day of working with the old Seagate, transferring files to the lap-top, weeding through and deleting garbage I seriously don't need to “archive”... and am still at it. - Was invited to “drink” at 17.00 and, because I'd been in the kitchen earlier, I SAW HER GIVE HALLIE THE SKILLET... WHICH WAS ON THE STOVE... IN WHICH SHE COOKED TONIGHT'S FISH FOR DINNER!!! I had some rice and a bit of sliced carrot... the very thought: let the dog lick the pan and then cook in it? FUCK NO! Am I still a touch hungry? Sure. But I will NOT eat out of an un-washed skillet! - And so... I'm taking a break... a nap... I'm tired... Benadryl? or just stress? Who knows? Who cares? I'm tired! - 22.12 Took that nap. Woke at about 21.30. Back to working on the old files for the new Seagate. Hopefully by 24.00 I'll be able to get back to sleep (I've taken another Benadryl.)
Sun.23.Dec: 2.54 A great deal of the old files are now neatly on the new drive! And I'm not really tired but... time to try for a nap. - Well... here it is... 9.09. I heard the alarm and “dozed” and then, with morning leg cramps, got up at 8.40. I suppose, that 5 hours was sufficient, considering the 2 hours I'd slept during the day, yesterday. I've come to a point in life where I just accept the sleep I get, when I get it. Never mind the 6-8 hours at night. “Old” people do that; take naps. I might not be “old” chronologically, but this body's certainly not 18 years of age any longer. And this morning, I got up, had coffee, took my vits., dressed and headed for the loo (the WC this morning because HLS is in the “grand loo”, prepping for Jesus on Sunday). Then out for a smoke. The “my morning routine” is complete and I'm ready to hit the “file transfers” again. - This morning's thought: still no word from Denis. I wonder: Dead? Lost the phone? Lost the phone service? Depression (because of his Aunt's death)? “Time alone”? Or... the “typical bull-shit”: “Honey, I luvya.” on account of I need to say that, thinking I'd jump into the truck and run to him? Or, perhaps, I'm NOT what he expected, not what he wants, not what he needs, not up to “his standards” (similar to me, in after a fashion, as it were)? Oh well... what-ever. As that grand old tune went: “Got along with-out ya, before I met ya, gonna get along with-out ya now.” I sang it then... I'm still singing the same old tune. “We shall see.” as has been told. I'll suffer no heart-aches over it now. - Now... I've things to do. These file transfers are more involved than originally advertised. But once done, it'll be a relief. (And I do believe that I DID have a complete file of all the images... that I thought I'd deleted. That's quite nice.) - I hear the hair-dryer in the grand loo. Time to get me busy here. - Another day has commenced... with a hint of blue in an other-wise grey sky, and the lightest flocons a-drift in the breeze. “Winter”... is upon us. - 20.45 A DAY OF HELL WITH THIS COLD! I was perfectly fine this morning... but all the Benadryl must have worn off and this evening... BLAM-A-BAM! So I just took another one. - Been working on the externals all day too. FINALLY got EVERYTHING onto the lap-top version... which NEEDS to be “cleaned-up”!!!! BUT the banque, pass-words and servers are on the separate external now! AT LONG LAST! - Meanwhile... HLS was about the house today... asked me for some “help” with trying to get to the fucking Utoob video Pammie and Davie posted on-line and mentioned in their “Annual Letter”. SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN... as usual, so I just came back to the little room and this is where I've been most of the day. She also took a “stroll” at some point and at about 17.00, Minou came to the door... hungry... no HLS, no Hallie... so I fed Minou and came back to the room. - It must have been round-about 19.30 when Mme. decided to knock on the door. Did I want some chicken? No. Did I want a drink? No. (Have I had anything to eat since the choco-raisins last night? No. Do I really want to eat chicken that's been fried in a dog-spit pan? HELL NO! Am I hungry? Yes, indeed. Do I have money and the means to go get something from, say, McD's in Enosburgh? Yes. Am I going to? HELL NO! It's COLD out there and my nose is dripping, eyes are running like an open tap and I'm feeling generally like shit. Nope... I'd rather hope for sleep tonight and dry-eyes in the morning... at which time I'll consider spending money for another 20 McFukkitz.) - Anyway... as I say, I'VE FINALLY GOTTEN THE LAP-TOP VERSION OF THE EXTERNAL... Time to rummage through the “Images” and the “Music” files! THAT should take right through the rest of 2018... to be sure. - Anything to “occupy time” and stay out of the house-proper.
Mon.24.Dec: 2.37 JUST as the alarm clock registered mid-night, I put the lights out and got comfy... At 1.45, I was back up... to pee! Did that, got back into the bed and comfy again and moments ago... LEG FUCKING SPASM! RIGHT LEG! It won't go away! So here I am, sitting with all the lights on, hungry and tired, in from a smoke, paper towel shoved in my right nostril, right eye tearing away. Fucking Christmas Eve no less. FUCK ME! JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE ALREADY! Well? If there's Hell to be paid for the peace of DEATH... I'm paying... A-FUCKING-GAIN! - 4.50 Well... let's give a nap another try here. The Benadryl isn't working. Can't take another until 8.30 so may as well try for a nap mean-while. - I DID get the preliminary sort of the images... now to transfer then re-sort the “Asus”. THEN... to go through all the MUSIC AGAIN! I only JUST did that, not too long ago. Oh well... What-ever. - My nose is still dripping, eye still running. But I should try... for a nap. - Oh... and yeah... I'm hungry. But nothing to eat until about 16.00 or so. I can't get my-self to eat what's in that fridge, knowing she doesn't wash the skillet! It's fucking disgusting. - 9.05 SPASMS AGAIN!!!! SO I'm up and having coffee... BURNING OUT! - 10.17 So I had half of my coffee, typed that entry and tried to get back to bed. More spasms, the qunt stomping about and slamming doors, Hallie barking to hear her-self... Ladies and gentlemen and boiz and gurlz... THIS is about to become an extremely difficult day! - And now... nose and eye join the fracas. Oh... to just lay down... and DIE! - 10.50 Dave.. .at the door... first thing... with a battery charger. And Mme. Q? Su'l'téléphone avec sa cousine... on and on and on... Meanwhile, Dave and I chat for a touch, I want my smoke, and he's here to help her out. Well? As I got to tell him “Time management...” Funny: When she finally got off the phone and he gave her the charger she said “Do I know how to use one of those?” and he said “It's easy, red to red, black to black.” Says she “You wanna go see if the truck starts?” and he replies “Not really Jacquie, I'm on my way to St. Albans and...” And, with that, he heads out the door, and I, for my smoke. Good. As I said whilst we chatted: “Do you remember Dean Martin? One of his old tunes comes to mind at the moment... 'Welcome to my world'... I sang. - Well, fuck. Moving along, I've suggested that she get a new battery. She's talking about stopping at “Integrity”. I said “They'll have to order the battery.” Words out the butt-hole. But she tried, and the truck started (this time). There's NO being of ANY “assistance” to the old thing. Just none. But, it was grand to see her bump some-body else off. - I gave her the 2 CDs this morning (hopefully they'll play in the truck). No “thanks”. As Mum said “There are no thanks.” - And now, I'm just feeling on the cusp of “BURN-OUT”! Tired, hungry, and remnants of pain in the legs, drippy nose... And so this is Christmas. - FUCK! - 19.12 Well... I DID get a “nap” in for almost 2 hours and woke (16.30) feeling a touch better, I must say. And AS I woke... les cousins appeared... to retrieve the TV from the front porch. “Paul Luc” and wife (“Luce”?). VERY pleasant. We chatted. I must've looked quite the sight, just getting up, this cold. (I've seen me in the mirror... quite “grey” in palour, to be sure.) Anyway, we chatted. I suggested trying Morses Line, they'll cross at W. Berkshire. OK. Anyway... they were here... and gone... and I got to cook my pasta and poutine sauce (in a pan that I HAD TO WASH because of the crud round the rim). (I'm quite sick and tired of having to wash dishes before cooking and eating. One of these days... may it be soon...) It wasn't all too filling but I don't suppose I should torture this old body by filling it up after a full day and more of complete “fasting”. And so I got to see a bit of “The Five” and after... washing “my” dishes, washing the pots in the drain-board, cleaning the stove and then... WITH MY EPOXY, I'VE REPAIRED (AGAIN) THE HANDLE ON THE FRIDGE ON THIS TIME IT'S EPOXIED TO THE DOOR! So we'll see how THAT works. - HAD to clean the paper ash from the wood-stove and re-start that too... had to take the 2 pieces of wood out to clean it, with my hands (gloved, of course) in order to re-start it. I'm not going to bother with it whilst she's gone... better to put the furnace up... and listen to the “WHAAAAAT? Why is it using so much oil?” (Because... FUCK YOU.) - And parcels for HLS are under the tree which is quite full. Hopefully there's nothing under there for me, but... it's just going to be a “call” as to how I handle this: accept, return or accept and pay or simply not accept (after all... she WAS duly told I can't accept). No matter... Fuck her and her “feelings”. Nobody's got any the kindness to consider MY feelings on matters. I'm in nobody's debt where that's concerned. - And I've started re-doing the music list. It's going to be a while for that. - Now, the kitchen is “in order”. I've not Hoovered and don't intend on doing so this evening. I wish I could shower, but I'm really not up to all the “foot wrapping” and such. - Tomorrow should have been “recycling”. It's a holiday. I suppose we're stuck with that shit another 3 weeks. Garbage on Wednesday? One can only hope. We shall see. - For now... a bit of soc.med., disc-cleaning, files and to bed. I wish I could have a drink. - 22.10 and all is settled. Had a chamomile tea with the little ones. Mimou laid on my chest as I laid on the recliner... snuggled his face into my arm and slept. Ms. Hallie laid on her sofa beside us. All, so calm... as life and the world should be. - I'm feeling better tonight. Maybe that nap was the sleep I needed. Maybe the absence of the constant threat of stupidity is all that was necessary. What-ever... I'm feeling a touch better. Not perfect recovered, but certainly much better. - I happened to notice, when I pulled the lights on the tree, a box... for me... from “Hallie”. I'm pissed, to say the least. But I'll just make of it what-ever is best... for me, to be sure. I'm no longer going to be ignored, abused, slandered and the likes. Ms. Pammie said “She loves you and is concerned about you.” Sadly, I've come to know that they're all a bunch of chronic liars round here. Besides... “verbally abusive”? “Free ride?” And there was that line about “Pay me for the time you've spent here”, some Summers ago. Yeah... I know how I'm seen. Then to give gifts? To make me more uncomfortable, indeed. - Anyway, no sense thinking about that now. Now is the time to try for some sleep through the night. A stiff drink of evening vinegar... flush the system a bit more... I can hope. Tomorrow? “Christmas Day”. - I wonder how Denis is doing. I wonder if he's still alive. I wonder what he's doing. I wonder where he is. But, as it's always been... no word. But there's always tomorrow... we shall see. - The wood-stove is stoked for the night. Let's see what it leaves tomorrow... when house-keeping will take place.
Tue.25.Dec: 8.15 and all the “morning routine” is complete... including, well... ALL. And I don't HAVE to get dressed! How wonderful is THAT? - Last night? ONE episode of getting up for leg spasms and pee. I was IN bed by shortly after 22.00, up at about 1.30 this morning for moments, and back to bed until the 8.00 alarm (which is before 8.00 so the lap-top came up at 8.01). Mimou came in at the sound of the alarm, and I got up and out of bed. Remnants, mere remnants of the “rhume” (pronounced with a Piafian-French “Rrrrrr”), and up and about. The house, oddly silent. Out went the little ones for morning “ablutions”, I had my coffee and got their breakfast together, let them in, I went for my smoke. Grey... quite chilly, and the lightest flocons dancing about in the relatively calm air. “And so this is Christmas”... and so, what the fuck? Just another day. Just another day. No embers in the wood-stove so I'm not bothering with it. My left foot is a bit “tingy”, the only word I can think of at the moment. That one spasm last night pulled the toes. But... over-all, I'm just the “usual morning ick”. As for the rest of this day? Well... pondering a bit of a shower at some point, perhaps changing the “dressing” on the toe. Other-wise... just another day. I'm not feeling “terrible”, but not feeling altogether “well”. Just another day. Just another day. Not well enough to be up and about, but not ill enough to go back to bed. How I DO wish I were in my own place... just in case something should go terribly wrong. Last night, I went to “sleep” thinking how much I want to be away from all of this, on my own, “I don't want to die here”. Charming, eh? Alas, 'tis as it is, as it should be. BUT... we're presented with another day, and it will be dealt with, as is necessary. Good morning. Amen. - Now? Off to the loo... in a calm, silent house, where, this morning, I can take my time. Thank you. - 9.22 and NOW... ALL the morning “chores” are done... (Loo). - Messages from-to Dorothy. She's off to cleaning her loo this morning. “Christmas”... THIS is what it's all about: cleaning the house. Rumpapumpum. But the sun's come through, it's “crisp” out there and I'm having my 2nd coffee. All is calm. All is bright. All is... - 19.15 and I was SO looking forward to taping the toes and taking a REAL SHOWER tonight... NOW, as a matter of fact. I geared the entire day for it... and NOW, as I went into the loo, ready to prep for a wonderful shower, and going to bed in clean jammies on fresh pillow cases... THE FUCKING WASHING MACHINE IS RUNNING UP-STAIRS! THAT FUCKING PIECE OF USELESS VERMONT BULL-SHIT HAS BEEN IN THAT FLAT ALL BLOODY FUCKING DAY LONG... DOING... WHAT-EVER THE FUCK IT DOES TO PASS ITS TIME (NOTHING), HAD ALL BLOODY FUCKING DAY TO MAKE A WASH AND NOW... AT THIS HOUR, IT DECIDES TO BECOME ACTIVE! AND USE THE FUCKING HOT WATER! 50 GALLONS IS ALL THIS SHIT-HOLE HAS AND THAT FUCKING GLOB USES IT NOW! Well? Well... Meanwhile, I managed to stack SOME wood in the kitchen. I'm NOT going to go all out with wood in the kitchen because the more I stack, the more gets burned uselessly which leaves little for the garage which means more will be ordered and more will need to be stacked again and I'm fed the fuck up with all of THAT bull-shit at this juncture. But there's wood in the kitchen and the wood-stove is “match-ready”. Fuck it. The floors got Hoovered, the kitchen got mopped. My bed-linens got washed. I had a nap for about 90 minutes. - “Meal” was the rest of the pasta, which was a LOT... the rest of the poutine sauce which, sadly, got watered-down because I didn't drain the pasta. But I ate it ALL anyway. Had a nice, HOT coffee with creamer after (thinking it would help with “energy” level for attending the toes). Very nice, indeed. And it all leads to THIS... the fucking hot water rationing because of that shit up there.
Today, another little “fact of life” came to mind. As I've already suspected, and it's rather been proved, I'm seen as just a “free-loader”, somebody who's in residence here, riding along for free, paying nothing into the house-hold. Meanwhile, that shit-bag up there is getting the “royal treatment”... because it gives her 1000$ each month (which she pisses away some-how because she's forever whining about expenses). Meanwhile, the shit-bag's car is still parked in the drive so if anybody's going to be “restricted”, it's going to be me. A little item? Perhaps, to some. But to me... I included the statement in the lease, which, allegedly, both of them ready and signed, that the drive is NOT to be blocked. Yep. And the “inconvenience” to me was mentioned, discussed and led to an argument... to what end? This... as usual... nothing. “Garbage”... none was put out last week. I've NO doubt it'll be under my one and only window again, should I be here come the warm weather (GOD FORBID!). And we add to that, that she chose to ignore my text message (which I can now pull back up in my defence), and there are “parcels” with my name on them under the tree. As for them, I've resolved to simply open them and put everything into one box and put it all into the white room. What happens to it all is none of my concern, but I will NOT accept them. I'll not argue with her any further on any of this. “Resolution”. As Pam put it: “She's challenged.” No, she's fucking retarded... clinically, organically, mentally, emotionally, civilly, sociologically. She's a fucking tard. And as I've already concluded, it's no different from Alzheimer's at this point: You can't bring them to 'here', you have to go to where they are. And I've no desire to do any of that. Just let it all ride itself out. Done.
So now, my choice is whether or not to even try for that shower tonight. I probably have enough tape and pads to do so tonight, take what-ever shower I can, change the tape and pads and then, tomorrow night, take another “foot up” shower. Or even put new “dressings” on again. It's just so much work and such. Or... I can hope that the shit-bag will do only one wash and in about 30 minutes, I'll have a full 50gals. to shower in. (I need a hair-cut too but I just don't give a fuck about that.)
Have to note tonight, the muscle spasms in the hands. My right leg is sore from the spasms last night. Laying down for a nap today was almost painful because the muscles in the leg twitch constantly. So they're painful all through the day. The left foot is a bit painful because the spasms in the legs run through the foot, splaying the toes which pulls at the broken one. And today, my fingers seem to get the same spasms, the fingers either lock or splay. I have to wonder what's going on here. Something's not at all “correct” any more and I do NOT want to fall apart whilst here! Well? I just don't know how to get all that I need to get the fuck out of and away from here quickly. Rentals in NY are scarce. Those that are listed aren't exactly where anybody would actually want to be. And of course, there's the money. Once upon a time... I had MORE than needed. But then came the truck, which was equally needed. So now I have the truck... and the expenses of keeping it running... which is pulling at the money that I get. NOW, with this broken fucking toe (broken because of performing chores in this shit-hole where I'm “free-loading”) I don't know what the future will be like: if the toe doesn't heal properly, I might not be able to walk any great distance... killing a LOT of prospects for work. It's all a general fuck. Then, come July, when this “recovery” shit with the student loans hits, I don't know how much is going to be expected as payments for that. I'm almost sorry that I entered into this fucking “agreement”. Too many variables... none of which can be explained because nobody has even the minimum intelligence. - I can see me in the mirror... still quite grey of palour. Yeah, something's amiss here. It'd be nice if I could have a general idea as to when this will be “over and done”. But I suppose I should simply take it all in stride... as it comes along... and when the moment hits and I have a better idea (and opportunity)... just go... away... and... “wait for God”... as they say.
Mimou is sitting on the floor beside as I type. We've sat in the recliner, he's being ever so affectionate of late. And I worry in my soul about him, when I leave. She's a moron... a selfish, self-serving, irresponsible idiot. I've seen her take off until late in the night, caring nothing about Hallie. She did that when I was expected here only thrice daily. Mimou doesn't deserve that kind of bull-shit. He's been through his little Hell already. And I don't know that I can or should take him along with me... should I simply move away. (And I know I can't take him along, should I move to QC.) There's more on my mind than I can type or record... more than I should have to be concerned about. This situation is EXACTLY the same as being “Care-Giver” to an old, mentally retarded “client”. And I'm no longer cut out for this sort of bull-shit. - Well... “Merry Christmas” to me... fuck. - There's one other point: Only word of “holiday” has been from Dorothy... this morning. Yep... But then again... I don't WANT to see/hear anything from the Qunt. “Good, bad or indifferent”... “nothing” is better than “anything” from that. - So, again... nice “holiday”. - Thankfully, tomorrow returns to “normal” and I've got running to do... to get my fucking money off that damned card! The banque will probably be closed for Boxing Day. But I can toddle up on Thursday to put it into the account. - Oh... and tomorrow? Maybe a bucket of KFC! Thursday? Who knows what to eat. (Meanwhile, all the left-overs are still in the fridge. I'm leaving them there. Mme. Qunt can give them to Hallie... since they were prepared in Hallie's saliva.) - I'm going for the shower tonight. I've got clean linens and I needs the shower anyway. One way or another... I'll shower. Fuck all of this shit here. - 21.48 FULLY SHOWERED! DRESSING CHANGED! NEW “BAMBAIDS” ON THE “BOO-BOO”!!! But I can see that the toe is NOT going to heal “properly”. Do I care? Nope... as long as I'll be able to walk... some-how. BUT IT'S DONE! And it wasn't all as “involved” as I'd anticipated. Though, yes, I'm quite rather annoyed, considering: I broke the toe stacking HER fire-wood for which SHE ONLY dialed a phone number, placed and order and wrote a cheque. Me? Broke the toe, drove m'self to the ER, drove m'self BACK, am “gimping” about, can't wear proper foot-wear in the snow, BOUGHT THE TAPE AND PADS OUT OF MY OWN POCKET, and not ONCE has she done ANYTHING to make ANY of the chores round here ANY easier... acts like it didn't happen, AND STILL leaves NO fire-wood in the kitchen for when she's gone so *I* have to fetch'n'haul more. “Catholic”... “Jesus saves”. Fucking blue-waffle qunt, that one. But... I DID IT ON MY OWN... AGAIN... SUCCESSFULLY!! - All said, I wish I physically felt better right now... just weary and a touch “off”. Weighed me before shower: I'VE LOST 10lbs IN THE PAST 2 WEEKS!!! Any wonder I'm not feeling well? Nope. No wonder. But I have to note: Saw “Judge Judy” on “Objectified” this evening. What a woman! What a wonderful judge. One thing that struck deepest was, she was asked “Better to feel good or look good?” She replied “Look good. You can't feel good if you don't think you look good.” Reminded me of Mum when, back in 1983, Calvary hospital, 4N, she said, in the hall, out-side Oma's room: “I know it's just a matter of when, and with the history, if I had any choice, I hope for 'lung'.” I said “Why? It's painful.” She replied: “But it's all internal. I don't want people looking at me and feeling sorry and being depressed or disgusted.” Yep... Better to “look good”. (Some people believe that people who think that way are vain. The know SO precious little. I remember when I was staying by Oma, one night I wanted to go out with Bern, took a shower, my hair was a disaster, so I called it off. Oma called me “vain”... I don't think she ever knew how NOT vain I was... it was all because I felt I HAD to do EVERYTHING to “look good”... it was all I had.) Well, how times don't change, or... the more they change, the more they remain the same. - ANYWAY... the clothes are in the dryer. I have to “wash” the washer because I must have left a tissue in a pocket. Next in: sweat-shirt. Then? All's done! I can go to bed (and worry about being rudely awakened every 2 hours through the night... But it's already 22.11... I wanted to be in bed WAY before this. Tomorrow's Soc.Sec.Run day! But... we'll manage... At least I don't have to think about going to the banque... that'll be Thursday. For now? I'M SHOWERED AND THE “BAMBAIDS” ARE CHANGED... AND I DID IT ALL ON MY ALONE! - 22.25 and the “Journals” are all up-to-date too. ROCKIN' IT!
Wed.26.Dec: 0.24 WELL... AT LONG LAST... The sweat-shirt is dry and my soc.sec. is done and in 40 minutes, my soc.sec. should be posted. I suppose I'll wait to check that and then try for sleep... HAHAHAHAH! “Sleep”! Anyway... Mimou has come into the room to remind me that I'm up a bit too late. I've had my vinegar, and tonight it's repeating. And as for the 10lb weight loss, I wonder: it's claimed that drinking it helps weight loss. Could I have “cleared” something out of my system with it? Mayhaps it's time to either stick to the recommended 1Tsp or cut back to every other day or something. What-ever... which ever. But for now... time to wrap this day up... I mean... “that” day... yesterday. Thankfully, no Mme. HLS tomorrow, but there's an errand I should attend... CASH OFF THE CARD! - 8.04 and gently wakened by the little purring of Mimou at bed-side! Imagine THAT! (They're both out-side... breakfast waiting for them in the kitchen.) - 8.54 Morning routine done. Today's “errand” calc'ed. Trip to the loo in order. Then HOPE the truck starts, runs, makes the errand. I'd THOUGHT I was going to go to St.A. (KFC for meal), but I see no sense in that. I can go to another banque in Enosburgh and try the ATMs in te other two, see what their “fee” is. Less driving uses less gas and less time. So I'll try it today and see how it works out. If good? Fine. If not? Well, there's always back to the 3-buck fee as usual. Meanwhile, I've done my forecast reconciliation into 2019 this morning. What a fuck! - -14° this lovely morn. -5 for the “high”. Oh, tah-fukcing-fa-la-la-la-la! BUT... Mr. Dimballs put his garbage out this morning... so I heard at 6.00. - Oh, and last night... ONE SPASM episode. It was a good decision to go right to bed at 0.30. For all it was worth. This morning though, the toes are “tight”. My “grand bandaging”. They'll loosen... and I can have another shower tonight too (with bagged foot, of course). - 10.10 Getting ready to make the “run”... and, quite honestly, feeling quite like shit. Nauseated... light in the head... I suppose it's “normal”... for me. Anyway, off to a different banque this morning, to try and save “fees”. Should consider “meals” as well. I just don't want to leave “containers” or “wrappings”. Yeah, I know: stupid. But this qunt just makes one feel like an “imposition”. Fuck this shit, really. This fucking state... and the shits that inhabit it. - 12.30 Back... after a drive that was rather “interesting”... after a lengthy “defrost” of the frozen truck. Did the running and was in the (cold) room in the (cold) house by 12.15! Details to follow. (I'm not feeling at all “well”. Really “dissociated”, tired, fatigued, generally ick... but well enough to have done what needed to be done and to do what will follow with the day.) - 13.03 So... just had a bowl of ice cream, in a house that just won't warm. Thankfully, the furnace is running though. - Anyway... I made it to empty the ash bucket and tried to start the truck... tried because the driver's side door was frozen shut! Had to climb in the passenger-side door! The truck didn't sound “happy” when I turned the key but it DID start! YAY! And so, I brought the garbage out to the curb (IT'S GONE. YAY!) and strolled to the post office where, for about 20 minutes, had a “chat” with Lisa... a “Tell All” chat about how things are in this house, including, but not limited to the matter of letting the dog “clean” the skillet. Even Lisa got a bit “gagged” at the notion! Well? I'm at the end of all of this bull-shit about talking about me behind my back. I mentioned how Pam, Dave, Kerry, Jes won't come by because of the nasty rumours about me. I got to mention how the old thing is “slipping” and might, one day, drive out of the drive and not come back because of forgetting. I told her how HLS's kids want her in a home and how it was that I came to be in the house. Yeah... it's all out there. Where it goes from the post office is... what-ever it will be. I have no care nor concern. - Mail back, truck thawed, I headed into the “Community Bank” in Enosburgh where the “transaction” for the 860 was a “cash advance”. The banque doesn't charge, but I'm still not certain that the card won't. THAT detail is driving me insane. Yes, I've checked on-line already and there's no “charge” showing other than a “cash purchase” for the amount. I seriously doubt it will be free... so now I'll have to keep checking... for a while. Considered phoning the card services directly, but I'm not in a mental (nor physical) state where I want to deal with the lies and abuse that will, no doubt, be forth-coming. So... I wait. And so, the cash transaction done (and I fear I've got 100s that CIBC might not accept for deposit, in which case I have to figure out how to break them and such, but I'll get to that when I get to it), across to Hannaford's for ice cream, chicken breasts (Perdue of all things), bread, butter, one jar of coffee and all on the FS card leaving about 4$ on that and 2$ and change in “cash”. Not bad. - OH! I'M 55 MILES PAST THE OIL CHANGE! I CAN'T IMAGINE WHERE I'VE BEEN TO HAVE DONE THAT! BUT THERE'S THE NEXT EXPENSE ON THE TRUCK... along with what-ever comes along with... not mentioning the RUST that's coming through again on the rocker panels! MORE MONEY OUT! I NEED THE MONEY TO GET OUT OF HERE! - Oh well. - And so, the “errands du jour” are done. - But I'm still feeling “not quite here, nor there, nor... quite”. There's remnants of the “rhume”, bit of congestion in chest and sinuses, light-headedness, just a general feeling of “exhaustion”. I'm wondering if the vinegar and constant water have anything to do with it. I may have lowered my own sodium levels too low. Tonight's chicken and the ice cream should help a touch, if that's the case. As I think: knowing too much is bad and not knowing enough is bad and if I could get the lab results from that blood-work that was done in October... No less, I need to get a “Primary MD”... but I doubt it's any use to try before the end of the holidays. I suppose I'll approach that after the “new year”... look into the folks in Richford. - For now, the little ones have had their “lunch snax” and are back in from being out. The back porch stinks... something has been “marking”. No doubt HLS will comment. Good thing Mimou has been “adjusted” so he doesn't do such things. - And me, for now... I'm going to have a lie-down snooze for about an hour. Now that the “necessaries” are done, I can “relax” a touch... for a touch. It's still quite chilled out-side and the house is chilled as well. I refuse to light the wood-stove before tomorrow. It's “match-ready” anyway (and I'll need it to “destroy the evidence” of my having eaten so tomorrow morning will do just fine). - Off to snooze! at 13.21. - Well.... it's 21.01. I managed to stuff all 4 of the chicken patties, on rolls, with a dollop of mayo and some HP down my throat. But the “sickness” didn't go away. All I wanted to do was go to sleep... forever, after eating. It must have been about an hour ago when I couldn't take the COLD in this fucking shit-of-a-Hell-hole and cranked the thermostat up to 75F! In the little room, I cranked the radiator up to FULL! It's only just now, a little over an hour later, getting to break above 21C in the room, but the house is FINALLY losing the fucking chill and with it? The “sick” feeling I've had ALL fucking day long. I even finished ALL of the ice cream I got at Hannaford's today. - Hallie's been out for “pinkel”. Mimou's been on me and off through the evening. There's been NO word from the Qunt... NO word from Denis... No further words from Dorothy... It's been as it's been for years... solo. Do I give a shit? No, not really. I'm so accustomed to it that any diversion from it would be... well... more than likely, an annoyance. - In other news, I've reason to believe that squirrels have taken residence in the porch ceiling, if not in the porch up-stairs. No wonder, that, considering garbage is “stored” up there for weeks at a time. I might mention it to Her Quntship... or I might not bother. We'll see. - But right now, I'm not taking a shower tonight. I just don't have the interest nor the energy. Rather, once this place warms sufficiently to hold some of the warmth over-night, I'm just going to go to bed. Goal? Nap. No more looking for a “full night” of sleep. I'll “nap”... and when I wake, I wake. If it's really too early to stay awake, I'll go back to bed. And if need be, I'll do that through the day tomorrow as well. - I managed to get the 200 back into the flash-light... with IMMENSE difficulty! As for the rest of the money that should go to oil change and/or the banque? No rushing. It'll all get to where it needs to be as it does. - 21.10 BLING! Message from HLS: “Guess who has a cold???I'll try to he (home emoji) early tomorrow but for now I'm done.” Yeah? Big fucking deal. Fucking liar. - Moving on... Just checked the soc.sec. card account and today's “cash purchase” is still “pending”. Fucking incompetent idiots. I don't give a shit what they do... just so long as I see on tomorrow's check: the 5$ that's due is PAID. Other-wise... there's going to be MAJOR shit... and me in a truck on the road to somebody's office... with the media in hot pursuit. I've got nothing else of importance to do... and at the rate my health is running out... no troubles causing shit. - And so, on that note, 'tis time to wrap the day. No vinegar tonight either. Going to give “abstinence” a try and see how that works out. I might have “flushed” too much sodium from my system, along with just about everything else. Mayhaps I'll exchange the vinegar for a vit.C. That never seems to hurt, and it does some good over-all. I take only 1gm in the morning lately, down from the 2. So I'll split the 2... morning and night. As I say... see how that goes. - OK... time to get to the living-room... nigh-night kisses all round, lights out and into the bed. - 22.41 A bit later than I'd hoped for but.... NAP TIME! This Boxing Day is WRAPPED!
Thu.27.Dec: 8.04 Yesterdays' cash... is still pending. The “”ED” - they call it “Education”, I see it as it is... impotent fucks - SNATCHED their 5 bucks. And me? I actually slept through the ENTIRE NIGHT last night, until about 7.56 this morning when I woke, to my surprise, on my own and then to the sound of Mimou! - 8.14 “Finances” balanced, little ones out and in for breakfast, wood-stove alight, coffee had, snow on the ground, sun shining, and here we are... SHITHOLIA! - The most delightful part of this morning is the sleep-through the night. Shame, really, to be followed by the stress of what's to come with the arrival of... “THAT one”. and the “pending” bull-shit of the rest of the day. Trying to find an “escape” from it. - 8.27 In from first smoke after attending the morning. The walk should be cleared of last night's snow. My truck “should” be moved, but I just don't feel like doing it. It's CRISP out there. But, as is usually the case and events, I'll just roll along as I do. The important issues are complete. The house is “in order”, and it's warm enough in this little room where I intend to spend a LOT of time over the next few days. (I have to figure out what and how to eat... I suppose.) - Thinking of getting “martinis” for Monday night. They say: The way you see the year in is how you'll be spending the rest of it. Martinis would be delightful. I'll have to ponder. - Meanwhile? Meanwhile... It was a bit “long”, laying in bed last night, waiting to fall asleep, but I can't complain. Once out, I was out for the duration. About 9 hours of “sleep”. I'll have to get back to the “old” routine, I suppose, going to bed earlier than what's become the “norm” of 1 or 2.00. It's the waking early that bothers. There's no sense in it. What I need is a reason for waking at the “old” hour... something to be done with the day. Of course, with the toe in its condition, there's not much that I can do. But, we'll just have to work with and on that. - As for today, there was something I was thinking that I could do, to get away from here. I'm in no particular rush to head to the banque, nothing that I “need” to go to a store for, and the only “store” around is Walmarde and there's nothing, really, that I “need” from there. Pondering another rug, then perhaps, a canvas tarp to put on the bed for extra blanket. I just don't want anything more to have to pack and move... when the moment comes. I just... - Well? I suppose I should “roll”... check the weather, soc.med., that shit. And we'll see what the day is, when it's done. - 9.14 It just rolled in... and I was on the pot! Teehee... Fukkit! - 9.26 And I'm shaking... already... because of the nonsense about the “parcels” under the tree. I told her that I was not pleased with my message about “gifts” being ignored and got the usual flippant nonsense, like a 5-yr old child. So, I merely told her that I'm returning her inconsideration and disrespect, since it's obviously OK for her to treat ME thus, it's equally OK for me to return the sentiments. I bade her a happy holiday celebration, informed that I would NOT be participating, and have come back into the room... shaking and sick to my stomach. Well... at least we got that over with early on. Oh... and she's all “Poor me” with her cold. As if I should give a shit. - Well It WAS a nice morning! Oh, fair Shitholia! - 12.15 If you can imagine... After typing this morning's bull-shit report, I did a few (several, some, many) of the MP3 list names changes what-ever. But my stomach started churning, the bowels started gurgling and I just don't want to be bothered with going out of the room to use a loo (sadly, the tummy's churning again, even as I type this!) so I decided to simply have a “lie-down”... AND I'M JUST WAKING FROM THAT! ANOTHER 2 HOURS (?) of REST! So this is either depression or aggravation or simply exhaustion. But what-ever it is, it's not “healthy”, I shouldn't think. Oh but well. The best news is: no leg spasms. So I'll celebrate that much and move along. - (I still have to figure what to do about “eating” something tonight... I've got 4,5 sticks of butter on the porch and 4 rolls in the room. At least there's that much.) - 18.14 Well... got more music titles done... stopped out to the parlour to “chat” with HLS about the noises on the porch. She says she's seen the “grey cat” who is, apparently, “marking” the porch for him-self. We'll see about that in due course, we shall indeed. And then, I returned to the little room to continue on the list of music. Had a roll. It took all day to finish the day's 2nd coffee but... And now I'm off to another nap. Why not? There's MORE than enough music left to catalogue, should I sleep until the middle of the night and wake, refreshed. Tomorrow? I could go to the banque... OR... I could go get the new radio for the truck! We shall see which happens. - The “ED” payment and the “cash” of yesterday are still showing as “pending”. If this fucking card fucks this shit up... I'll HAVE to find a way to take the matter into the courts. Meanwhile... - I'm going to nap. HLS is in the kitchen, I don't smell cooking, but that's good because I don't want anything (that she cooks) to eat anyway. - 23.18 And yesterday's “Cash Purchase” “withdrawal” has finally cleared. Still waiting for the 5 bucks to clear. - Meanwhile... the day passed and HLS didn't bother me at all... not even for a drink! She went to bed at about 20.30. Me? I've been working on the music and napping all day. I just finished 4 rolls with butter... daily “meal”. Tomorrow I'll actually eat. I DO believe I'll take some of my money and go buy the new radio for the truck... and then check the speakers and get new them too. I need to go get gas anyway, since I'm down to ,75 of the tank and I don't want much “space” in there for freezing. The morning will be “interesting” though. - Oh... I saw Hallie with her new “duck” this afternoon and a tree still loaded with gifts. Gee... if I've “ruined” her “holiday expectations”... fine. The bull-shit... HER bull-shit needs to stop now. New year coming... no better time than now to start “adjusting”. It's “Mirror Time” for me: SHE gets treated in the same manner she treats me. Resolution. - Anyway, since I've napped on and off all through the day, I hope I'll get SOME actual sleep tonight at some point. I'm going out for a smoke and when I come in, will try for some sleep. Let's see how it goes... shall we boiz and goilz? - Fuck - 23.39 and off to bed.
Fri.28.Dec: 8.45 After a night of SLEEP (again), I heard the alarm, turned it off and dozed. I LIKE laying in bed, pain-free. But it makes getting up all the more difficult. I didn't get out of bed until 8.22, and seeing the grey skies, really didn't want to be bothered. But, we do the things we know we should, even though we really don't want to. And then too, there's the sound of “BANG.CLANG.THUMP.BANG.CLANG.” from the wood-stove. THAT always makes the morning all the more welcoming. None of of MY concern though. So I did get up, and got dressed. (And taking off my t-shirt noticed, I could use another bit of a “clean-up”. It was a bit “fragrant”. But I don't really care about it. I'm not going any-where that requires “presentable'. Especially since I've no plans to leave the state.) - Have had coffee, smoke. The rains are falling. Apparently, the “verglacante” has passed. It's not all that cold out there but... I'm in no particular rush. And Mr. Dimballs is in this morning... the car still blocking the drive, and my truck still blocking at the other end. HLS's vehicle... rather in the middle. Alas. Eh? Perhaps, as the day progresses, I shall endeavour to leave. I really should... if for no other reason than to get something to eat... at some point. - The “ED” payment has cleared, and there's still no “fee” for the cash taken. Perhaps the “cash advance” is the way to go from now on. (IF, what I've been told, turns true, I might even be able to open an account with the little local banque in Enosburgh for direct deposit and have done with all of this bull-shit. I mean, as it is, I still need to go there to get my cash to deposit into CIBC, so, if I can eliminate the card, that would be delightful. We'll have to see about it... come March... or April... IF I'm still taking breath.) I'm still not “comfortable” with or about it all, the fee and the payment. And I still seriously doubt that these “payments” will benefit me in any particular way, in the long run. I'd asked for copies of the “loan histories” and never got them. So? So... all is as all should be: fucking lies. I should be happy... with the continuity of all the bull-shit and lies... in business as in the house. - OK. So, as I see, weather is supposed to top at 6° through the day, rain should let up a bit but continue through 15.00. Tonight, a rise to 7° and then, by tomorrow morning, back to 0°... Shabbat On Ice. No prob. I'll probably head out in a couple of hours... spend some “quality time” down t'the local Walmarde. Maybe get that truck radio, a canvas drop-cloth for the bed. Dunno, really. We'll see what comes of the day. (Weather's too “iffy” for a trip to Brossard and “la Baie”, to be sure, and there's no immediate emergency to get smokes or make a deposit.) So we'll just ride it all along. - Meantime, HLS is in “HER” kitchen and the house is as it should be. (Me, I'm anticipating some sort of something to come... but... fukkit.) - 11.45 and it's rather “comfy” but wet out there. Finished 2nd coffee, done did the soc.med. The “payments” are accounted-for. Worked a bit on the music roster. No “intrusions”. But I NEED to hit the loo! Isn't it stupid, really, when given serious thought, that using the loo should create more anxieties? But when one is dealing with the “imbalanced”... - So... it's off to the loo anyway. - I need to get out of here, need to get something to eat, if nothing else. Feeling rather “ick”, and I can actually smell “me”. How charming. Oh well... after all, this is only Shitholia. No need to be “presentable”. Besides, “presentable” here is... “fragrant”. - 17.22 Back from the “RUN”... been in about 15-20 minutes now and am SO ready to go for a lie-down! BUT... I GOT THE OVER-SHOES... over-charged for them by about 2 bucks, but I GOT THEM! Tractor Supply... the LAST stop on my “adventure” to “Auto Zone for oil and filter... McDs for 20 McFukkitz (the “shake machine” was broken... of course it was because I WANTED a shake this time), then to Mobil where 25$ FILLED the tank! (I put down 27 because of the singles but...) Then to Walmarde for a canvas to put on the bed, a bag of food for Minou, box of marrow munchies for Hallie (no thanks came for them... QUNT!), a box of “Whoppers” (f'layduh) AND... READY FOR THIS? THE LAST MARTINI GLASS THEY HAD ON THE SHELF!!! ONLY ONE! MUST BE A MESSAGE! SO I GOT IT! AND THEN ROLLED ACROSS THE ROAD TO THE LIQUOR COMMISH FOR A BOTTLE OF “GREY GOOSE” AND “M&R” VERMOOT! MARTINIS FOR THE NEW YEAR!!! (ONE FUCKING WAY OR ANOTHER!) THEN... as a last-ditch effort, I rolled into Tractor Supply and THERE were the over-shoes! So I put one on and hobbled to the cashe, then out the door, into the dark and rain and it's back at the Shithole Estates where, when I showed HLS the over-shoe (because she was SO fucking negative when I'd mentioned them to her earlier), I also put the bag of Minou food and box of Hallie snax up on the container of dry food for Minou and the remark was “Did you get those at Tractor Supply”? FUCK that wretched, dried-out old self-centered, self-serving QUNT! OH! And NO... she DIDN'T GIVE MINOU OR HALLIE THE GIFTS UNDER THE TREE! BUT... *** HERS *** ARE *** ALL *** OPENED! Yeah... fucking shit-qunt, that one. So tomorrow, when she goes to work... the little ones and I will open their boxes and she can fucking go to fucking HELL! - And with that, I move on. - By the way... the kitchen doesn't look all too bad at all... there's still fire-wood and no ashes all over... although she DID make a point of putting some into the bucket... of course... because SHE ISN'T the one expected to empty the fucking bucket! Oh well... yes... I REALLY NEED to move along. - I can't find some receipts that I'd like (especially the cat/dog eats). But, I'll find them eventually. All else is un-packed and done. And I've had my “meal” (20 McFukkitz) for the day. - 17.43 Found the receipts... in a tote... damned totes. - 19.36 I've done my errands, made sure that there are edibles for the little ones. Chatted with Her Lady-shit (sadly) briefly. Checked my soc.med. Checked the soc.med. card. Gathered my receipts. Taken my vit.C. And now, I'm heading to bed, under my new “tarp” (how HOMELESS). I'm tired... of OH! SO much! Tomorrow, when I awake... NO STRESS for the day! I can open the little gifts with the little ones... and to Hell with all else under that fucking tree (which *I* will be stick with again... clipping and cutting-down). Oh well... May money come in from some-where... SOON... and a nice little flat appear in Rouses Point... SOON! I can hope. (At least I'll have a martini on New Year's eve this year... ALONE!) -
Sat.29.Dec: 8.52 I was up at 6.30... then 7.00 but waited for her to leave. Heard her get Hallie's breakfast but dozed until just now. Oh well. - New canvass is in the wash already... and I'm rollin' along. - Had a thought this morning: worms, from not washing cooking utensils? Causing muscle spasms? Or some sort of virus or bacteria? From the cooking utensils not being washed? One has to wonder. - 9.17 The kitchen... breakfast dishes and pans in the sink. I went to get my water bottles filled... Mimou was out. On the table, the tiniest note, tossed, Hallie went to BTV this morning. Usually the note is left on the place mat. I had to look to find this one. Imagine. I've sent a text asking if Hallie is with her. I suppose it was too much effort to leave the note. Ah yes. Oh well. - Meanwhile... a DREAM this morning, when I dozed back off to sleep:
This time, it was all in day-light. (Usually my dreams are in the dark.) A VERY LARGE flat, something similar to Jamie deRoy's or Phylis Weil's, as I recall those. I was “on staff” as some sort of “all-round” person, attending HLS, with home and health. There was a very young, rather petite, Black girl, very pleasant, sweet, on staff as well, from some agency or another, she too, was “on staff”, hired for “Home Health Care” for HLS. I didn't mind at all, but she was more into house-keeping as I went about for the general maintenance. Well... we chatted about the “woes” of the “health care” aspect. Apparently, HLS was giving her quite the tasks. But, as we worked, HLS was out of the house, gone to work or program or something and we were to have the place “together” before her return. As she and I went from room-to-room, I happened into Mme.'s LARGE and finely-furnished room, and had to look on the floor for Mimou. Looking under an “end table” I discovered all sorts of “beverage glasses”... rocks, martini, manhattan... booze. I checked under the very large bed and there too, MORE glasses. Booze, all over the place, hidden, UNDER the furniture, not washed (of course). I told the little lady not to clean that room (because I wanted to take photos... to show Mme's. family, to let them know that THIS is what WE were dealing with). THEN... I noticed, beside the end-table, a little kitten... almost a duplicate of Mimou! And under the table... Mimou! Some-how I knew I had to take care of the little one as well as Mimou because Mme. wouldn't bother with the little ones... directing all her attention to Hallie. I accepted the responsibility, wondering how I was going to afford to feed both cats and the dog now. And... with that, I woke.
WELL! Quite the way to wake up on this grey morning, where most of the snow is gone from all round. And how charming... as I'd dozed, for some reason, I had this “notion”, thought, as it were, of the “fucking tree” in the living-room, brought to the back yard, stood in the snow and set a-light... as the instant fire was recorded, to be posted to soc.med. as a “warning” that THIS is what “you people” keep in your home... a fire hazard, to be certain. And as I went to the kitchen... the tree is lit! Probably stayed lit all through the night last night. I know that these new lights don't get as hot as the old-fashioned ones, but it's still a concern of mine... the tree igniting. Oh well... should that happen... I still say: One of these days she's going to do something to show the world just how “off balance” she actually is and she'll lose this place... and I'll be faced with the “demand” to find else-where. As I've said: should it come to litigation... I'm not her “friend” and will do all that I feel I must and am able to do to make sure I take care of me. Indeed, I'm sure that I “had” to come here, to Shitholia, to learn the lesson Ev alluded to: You've spent your life doing what's good for others' it's time you did something that's good for you. Barbara gave me that book by Ayn Rand... on “Selfishness”... See? There are reasons for events in life... we just have to be smart enough to understand the events... and the reasons. - 9.39 Canvass in the drier, “covers” in the wash. Morning “routine” is done. Mimou has been properly fed. I think Mme. gave him something before tossing him, but he's got more food and is some-where in the house. It's just the two of us today. And I believe the “note” read that Mme. and Hallie will be back round about 20.00. I pondered “chores” for me today: The washing, of bed linens, clothes... ME (my pits are a bit on the “off” side... I wonder why... sometimes this happens... I know it's got to do with nutrition but...). I pondered a bit of a hair-cut (for the “new year”). There's pasta and butter for “meal” at some point, probably later after-noon (if I'm so blessed with the opportunity to eat). There's a half pack of smokes on the table, a whole in the bed-side shelf, 2 in the truck... no rush for those at all before the holiday. So? All's rather “well” or “well enough”. Still... as would be “normal” for the circumstances... my insides are a mess with all sorts of “anxieties” about... I don't know what. - I have to wash my “martini” glass today. Imagine that: a martini glass... me... again. (Not the Lenox from LC... those days are now gone. But, nice to have at least ONE... no matter what. Remnant of the “old life”... I once had.) - On with the day! “Hi-yo Silver! There's fuckery to be spread!” - 12.11 All but the bed-things are washed! And the winds got to be SO brutal at some point that it actually blew the kitchen-garage door open! So yes, it's “chilly” in here today. (To think... last night, the temperature in this room was up to 25! She had the furnace up!) - Finally got a message about Hallie. It's her “Spa Day” today. Nice... good to know the old woman's got the cash to spend on such. Meanwhile, there'll be stories of woe to come about all sorts of “I have to keep working because...” I've no patience, no time, no interest... - Washed the martini glass... all ready for Monday night. - Now... to pass the day... “meal” will be around 14-15.00 and a shower is in order before the “return” of... A hair-cut was pondered... and continues to be pondered. We shall see. Meanwhile, it's grey, darkish, and cooling rapidly. No snow in the immediate forecast. We shall see... indeed... we shall. - I hear Mr. Dimballs has the little ones in residence today... thump thump thump across the ceiling. I'd heard it last night too. Couldn't be happier... so long as it stays in the house-proper and NOT above MY head. She gets what she asks for and what she deserves... - Oh, there's still a bit of fire-wood in the kitchen... and the “mandatory” boxes of scrap paper and the pile of ash at the stove. Me? I'm touching NONE of any of it. - 13.12 WELL! THIS day is rolling along too quickly. I've still got to figure “meal”. Pasta, salt and pepper, butter. Hopefully one pot, on plate and enough time to actually consume. There's a shower on the agenda as well. But as it appears, I'll be either in bed or damned-well ready for it by the time “she” rolls in. So much time yet so little time. I suppose we'll see how it all turns out... when it's done. Meanwhile... there's a bit of Hoovering to be done... in the little room only. - 15.51 INcluding, but certainly NOT limited to... SHOWERED! And the bed-thingies are in the wash! Wearing clean clothes on a clean me to that clean me can go to a clean bed tonight! AND... I had my pasta for “meal”, spiced and seasoned with buduuh... the dishes (pot, bowl and fork), washed and put back where they were before I “disturbed” them. And the room's been Hoovered and I've had my “after-meal-and-shower” smoke! All this, as the folocons drop from the sky, the sun sets o'er the Highgate Street and Mimou is out, in search of friends. Indeed... indeed... INDEED!!! ALL that I'd pondered as I tried for sleep last night is COMPLETE! *I* am quite rather impressed with me... as I always am when I manage to accomplish all that I intend to do. - Now? The house is EXACTLY as it was left this morning and nothing shall be addressed. And IF the old thing can actually learn to tell time (I lol)... there's 4 hours until it comes trampling back into the shit-hole... by which time I hope to be under MY blankets for the day/evening/night/what-the-fuck-ever. But for now, the remaining time is mine. And I'm comfy... because I'm CLEAN! - 17.47 Just back from “the store”... donuts and half'n'half... yeah, I splurged. Mimou got some half'n'half too... didn't want much though. He was on the sofa... on his pillow... in the light of the fucking tree... in the silence that has been this place all day. No complaints... But it is rather chilled out there. How odd, to walk the street. I haven't done that in quite a while And the store had one other fellow in when I arrived, one came as I was leaving. A “quiet” sort of night in Shitholia. - 19.36 and truly, I'm ready to crawl into bed. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me from doing that is that I don't want to close the door on Mimou. He was in, sitting on my lap for a while... precious little man. - I've had more than enough soc.med., don't have the concentration for the music roster, can't think of anything I want to see on the videos. Just one of “those” moments. Imagine that. - 20.32 Well... I was just getting into an episode of “Have I Got News For You” when Me. Hallie appeared in the room! 20.00 almost on the dot! And so, I was offered a “drink”. Declined. Chatted... more like listened to the events of HLS's day, and excused to come to bed as she started in about “It was warm this morning so I didn't bother to start the stove.” More like, to fucking lazy and you see you're not getting any more wood than I'd stacked. Never mind. - Have had last smoke... time to hit the CLEAN bed. Have had my vit.C. Wondering if the leg spasms don't have something to do with low sodium because (I shouldn't say) since I had those McFukkitz... and I've put salt back in the intake. Well, we'll see. This is probably only a minor reprieve. None-the-less... it's off to watch the episode (with ear-buds) and hope for a night of sleep. - Tomorrow's Ev's 94th. Much phone her whilst HLS is off to visit “Jesus”. - 23.02 AND THREE episodes of “Have I Got Ne For You”. “Old times”... tele before bed. How charming. Now to try for ... sleep.
Sun.30.Dec: 6.18 and... !!!!!BANG.CLANG.THUNG.THUMP.BANG.THUD-THUD-THUD.BUMP.CLANG-CLANG-THUNG.THUD.BUMP.THUNG.THUD-BANG.!!!!! Followed by TUMPTUMPTUMPTUTMPTUMPTUMPTUMPTUMPTUMP... KULIK. HLS Mme. Qunt has arisen, tiddled with the royal wood-stove and has toddled off to the royal loo. JUST in case SOMEBODY might have MISSED the event. - Me? I haven't the slightest idea why I woke, of my own, just prior to 6.00 and had the lap-top running by 6.11 and now, here I sit, dressed, having pee'ed in my bottle, just finishing first coffee... and listening to the “Chorus” or “Refrain” of the “I'm not quite done with the wood-stove yet” percussion section. I know she's got a shit-load of paper to stuff into the thing... and probably has to dig a shit-load of paper ash OUT of it before she can get ANYTHING into it. I'm just waiting for the horrific ”!!!!!WWW-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OOSHSHSH!!! when she throws the match onto the pile of shit (paper and fire-wood) SOAKED in charcoal starter fluid! ONE of these days she's going to put enough of that shit into that stove to blow the thing through the wall. But... what the fuck, eh? 'tis another day, the sun's not yet risen, isn't even peering o'er the fucking hill, not a bird chirps as yet, and here we are... awake, coffee'ed, clothed, left foot throbbing along, rather the tender toe this morn... WHAT IN FUX NAME COULD BE MORE DELIGHTFUL? EH? I ASK YOU: “WHAT? INDEED!” Other than the total oblivion of non-existence... BUT we're not thus blessed at this hour upon this morn. Thus-fore... say we to the day: FUCK AND YAY FUCK AGAIN! and forward we roll onto, into and through (if it must be) the bull-shit. Yay... verily. Fuck! - THAT much done and typed, as my gut begins to “harden” with warnings of need, anxieties of the day begin to build, today's EV'S 94th! HOPEFULLY the old cow'll be off to commune with her Jesus at their Sunday 10.00 Meeting and I'll be able to ring Ev. (Hopefully I'll be able to FIND her at some phone number or another... except at Lois'... although, I DID see Lois in August and all was fine so I suppose I'm NOT on HER shit-list... any-more... or yet... or...) Well? We'll see how the day rolls... indeed, and indeed. - I think I'll venture out into the cold and still-dark for a smoke. I mean... WHY THE FUCK NOT? EH? -10 now going up to -5... BUT PLUS THREE tomorrow... when I should get to the banque (and smokes) at the very least. Tah-fucking-la-dee-fucking-dah! EH? - ROLLING ALONG NOW! - 8.38 CRAMPS! Went to the loo... just a little came through... but the CRAMPS! - Oh well... said “Bonjour” to the HLS... - I'm going for a lie-down. - 9.54 A re-start to the day... after an hour's nap... the cramps got to me. Oh well. But the house is quiet, the little ones are here. The sun has risen. The day commences. Oh well. So it has done. - 13.20 and ready for ANOTHER nap. The sun is shining but it's still rather “chilled” out there and I've been working on the music roster for HOURS now. Still only at the “L”! And not quite at the half-way mark. This is going to take some time. - Thought here: I SURELY AS SHIT HOPE THAT HLS DOESN'T TOUCH THAT VENISON IN THE FREEZER! LIKE COOKING IT IN ONE OF HER DOG-SPIT SKILLETS! I'D LIKE TO HAVE IT TOMORROW EVENING! AND IF THERE ARE 2 STEAKS IN THE PACKAGE, I COULD HAVE IT ON TUESDAY EVENING AS WELL! I'm not planning on having it at all though because I wouldn't put it past her to take it out and cook it... I can see it all now: Knock-knock on the door. “I've cooked that venison. Are you hungry?” I can only HOPE that THAT DOESN'T happen. But... as things go... as “life” goes... - SPOKE WITH EV THIS MORNING at about 11.00! Lois answered the house phone and I almost panicked, thinking she was there for shiva! Poor Lois. I asked how she is, then said I'd called to say “Happy Birthday” to her Mum. She immediately got Ev. I didn't mean to be rude or curt. I was just a bit frightened. But Ev and I spoke for about 12 minutes. Lois and Taylor are there. They'll be going out to dinner this evening. Ev sounded very good. We laughed. I told her about the broken toe. We got a few laughs in about it. After all... what else could/can I do about it? (The 22nd January will be the “8 weeks” of walking about with the damned toe taped.) But, I'm glad to have gotten to chat with her (Ev) today. - And so, I suppose I should simply be satisfied with what I've gotten to this morning. - Am a bit on the “hungry” side too. Nothing but donuts and half'n'half in the room. I put the rest of the half'n'half on the window. Hopefully it doesn't go bad. “Hopefully”. - Meanwhile, HLS started her fire in the stove this morning. I saw it whilst she was out. She left Hallie here with me when she went to Jesus... and she returned directly after. Imagine that. She's now doing something or another out in the house. Nice... she has “HER” house to “HER”self. Me? I don't much mind at all. It's peaceful this way. Besides, it's more than obvious: I'm just the “help”... when it's convenient. Fukkit. - A brief skip through the soc.med. and a nap! - 16.22 Woke from nap at 15.45 (roughly), finished the half'n'half with most of the donuts (that give me cramps), watched an episode of “Have I Got New For Your” and now? Back to the music roster until... And another day has rolled along... and (almost) away. - 21.01 Time to call this “DONE”! Music roster, that's to say. SO MUCH got done today... thanks to not being in the house with HLS. - “Meal” for the entire day? Donuts, half'n'half. Not good. I know I'll wake feeling rather like shit tomorrow, but... I'll be able to eat on the road... and I have to get to the banque tomorrow anyway. Probably stop for gas or something. If the temperature's above freeze... maybe a truck wash... hand, hose, wax this time. There's a LOT of RUST on the bottom! Makes me a little sick to look at but... in time... that too will either pass or be corrected. (The brakes and oil have to be addressed FIRST!) - Pondering another rug for this room, though it's really silly to do so. Pondering what I'll be eating the next few days... now, especially, since it appears HLS doesn't give a shit... just so long as her work here gets done. QUNT! Moving along... I HOPE she decides to leave EARLY tomorrow. If she doesn't leave until 17.00, I'll have to get the house together and me fed... probably by 20.00. And I WANT to SHOWER! And I wouldn't mind a re-wash of clothing and bedding... (perhaps... on the bedding). I'll still be working at mid-night and THAT'S NOT HAPPENING! THAT'S MARTINI TIME! FUCK THESE LIVE-STOCK. AND TIME FOR ME AND MIMOU AND Ms. HALLIE! (If we're all still awake at mid-night... if not... martinis before bed... then GIFTS IN THE MORNING ON THE 1st!) - OK. That all jotted... finishing-off the donuts (the 2 left) and will take the vit.C., soc.med., smoke and to bed... for another “nap”. Oddly, I don't care how long I sleep tonight. All that “night's rest” panic has actually gone over these past couple of days of not being bothered with or about or by “HER house”. I find I CAN just get back to bed for rest when I feel the need... She's not knocked on the door at all. (Mind... her wine and glasses are still under HER fucking tree. Oh well... Her loss, not mine. I gave the gift. What she does with it is her concern, not mine.) - 22.58 Pondering a watch of “tele” before nap. Nothing to nosh on... sadly. Nothing to drink (except tomorrow evening's “do”). Not really “tired” but “tired” none-the-less. And soc.med. is done. So too, I suppose, another day.
Mon.31.Dec: 0.53 It's going to be a “nap” after all... Oh well... don't give shit. (I'm hungry, actually. Perhaps it's time to figure out how to cook in this room?) At least the temperature in here isn't 25 like it's been of late... only 24 at the moment... She MUST be putting the furnace up at night. I wonder... electric bill? Maybe she should check the lights up-stairs... instead of figuring (as I wouldn't doubt she does) that I've got the heater up? - Oh... not worth the thoughts. Time for that nap. - 8.16 and we're up and on what-ever again. It really IS comfy in the bed, in the morning, with the new set of 4 covers... after a night of sleeping-through... for a bloody change. What a shame to have to do so... here... in Shithole Estates. Well, this morning m'bowels seem a bit “off” (donuts and half'n'half perhaps) and there's things to do, errands to run, smokes, banque and what-ever comes to mind on the road. So? I suppose... I'll get dressed, have a smoke, dash to the loo, second coffee and then.... - WHAT... evuh. - There's something running on this fucking lap-top that's got it jammed... with the tool-bar thing at the bottom stuck at the time and such. Watch this shit fuck up with all the fucking work I've done on the music... not to mention all these 7 pages of Journal right here. You know? In this fucking hole, this place, this village, county, STATE... it wouldn't surprise me! FUCKING QUNTDOM, that it all is. - Well.... let's see... (And my gut just knotted... oh jolly joy-fucking-joy! Here we fucking GO!) - 12.20 Feeling a bit “episodic” at the moment... but then, considering yesterday's nutritional intake... Anyway, the sun is in the sky, the air is chilled but certainly not “cold” and it's time to GET ROLLING! KADIMA! I suppose. - 19.15 EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN FLOOR! (and me) DONE!!! - I left the shit-hole at about 13.30, headed directly to the banque where today's rate was REALLY GOOD! Deposit made, toddled to Metro for curd, sauce poutine, crisps for later, pastries for later, fromage for when-ever, rolls, cidre vinaigre, and then on to the dép for smokes! YAY! I made the TERRIBLE ERROR of stopping at the pharmacie in Bedford to inquire about vit.K. MADE THE WORSE ERROR BY ASKING AT THE COUNTER! The moron took my name, told me that I could ask the Pharmacist, that it wouldn't be long, I was “next”... and I stood there a good 10 minutes being ignored! So, some little flunky in the aisle asked “J'peut vous aider?” and then gave me all sorts of nonsense, going over the racks and stacks that I'd been over for 3 times already! I simply left and came back to... NO HLS! She said she was leaving at about 14.30. I returned at about 16.00 after a quick stop at the store for lemon and ice cream for tonight! SO... 16.00 and I got to the stacking of the wood in the kitchen, cleaned out the stove, moved along to the Hoovering and then... then... THEN... at about 17.40...
VENISON!!!! FRIED IN BUTTER, SALT, PEPPER, BITS OF ONION AND A SPLASH OF WHITE WHINE! GNOCCHI WITH, NICE BUTTERED ROLL... VENISON DINNER!!!!
And yes indeed... it was DELICIOUS! - And now? I've balanced the account for 2018, the house is in order. I need to mop the kitchen floor and then shower and then... ME TIME! - Toddling now... the clock is ticking. - 21.11 and the ONLY thing left to do is... SHOWER! Just as soon as the kitchen floor dries. The martini-mix is on the table in the little room, the jammies are in the dryer, Hallie and Mimou are sacked-out on the sofa... THANK YOU FATE, KARMA, HEAVEN AND ALL ELSE FOR THIS WONDERFUL HOLIDAY NIGHT! MAY *THIS CALM* BE THE ENTIRETY OF 2019! I even tallied my 2018 gas receipts, found the info for the new doctor in Richford. I'm DONE! - 22.13 SHOWER'S DONE! Clothes in for a “quick wash”... towel to follow as same. But I'm CLEAN... and smellin' like “Algemarin”! Wonderful... to be sure. The kitchen floor got mopped, the living-room got Hoovered. It's not cold in the house tonight. There's a light rain falling out-side here (and in NYC I see on TV... tough shit for the idiots). And well... That's the end of that. I thought about a hair-cut and shave but... I buzzed my neck and that was that. No sense getting all carried away over all of this. - And so... it just might be time to START THE MARTINIS. (I put the Grey Goose in the freeze before getting into the shower... should have done that when I got back in this after-noon. Oh well...) - Sent a text with photo of Hallie and Mimou on the sofa to Dorothy. (One to HLS too. Never mind that.) Seems Dorothy's “dog-sitting” and they've got fire-works and the dog's bugging-out. So I really CAN'T bitch... quiet house, quite critters, mamrtinis, munchies... a wonderful way to end a year... and since I'm not “House-less”... I'm not in the rain, there's nobody roaming halls screaming, I don't believe I have to worry about somebody coming to kill or maim me in the middle of the night. So? Yeah... I suppose this is OK. Though, I'd much rather have had a nice, hot bath and shower... and I'd REALLY MUCH rather be having the martini on the New York side of Lake Champlain at mid-night. BUT... we make the best of what we have. It could VERY well be MUCH worse. - 22.58 AND THE JOURNALS ON-LINE, ARE UP-TO-DATE (just before I note this)!!! The clothes and such are in the dryer... ALL should be done just before mid-night! 2018 will leave peacefully... 2019 will come in peacefully... and hopefully 2019 will run along... peacefully (though I'm really not planning on seeing it through to completion... “nodules” on the lung, platelets down, pain in the kidneys, pain in the left side of the neck... leg spasms, “episodes” of “being away”... NAH! but hey... the ONLY DAMNED WISH, WANT and DESIRE: GO HOME TO NEW YORK STATE... *THE NORTH COUNTRY*) -
***** NEXT YEAR IN * THE NORTH COUNTRY * NEW YORK STATE *****
23.17 First MARTINI mixed and... SIPPED! How strange! They're “strong”! What happened to the “good old days” when I could put these away like glasses of fresh water? OH! How the 63 years have taken their toll. BUT... HOW NICE... TO SIP A COCKTAIL OF ELEGANCE! (How I wish Bradshaw was still about some-where... or... perhaps he is. Ah, the nights of vodka... the nights of “5 hours”... the long, LONG nights. Ah... the nights.) - I've got a “count-down clock” running on-line... time to check the other “losers” on soc.med. Life... has come to this. But you know? It's not “bad”... not “bad” at all. Hey! I scurried into Québec today! Just up the road. Imagine THAT! I remember the days when I could only dream of such a thing. Now? It's just a matter of banquing and groceries. “Time”... certainly has changed.)
 Venison, Gnocchi, Kaiser |
WHERE DID 2018 GO?
(WHERE DID 1972 GO?)
 Martinis! It's been too, TOO long! |