: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
: 
Thu.02.Sep: 7.10 Up at 6.00, morning routine.... Fresh nectar for the hummies at the back gallery. Had a smoke and to be honest... breathing is an effort this morning. No congestion, but from the sternum to the throat... It MUST be the stomach, the vits. Anyway... a sleep-through night and no mouses in the houses!!! The sun is just rising (oh... indeed), and little Yonah was fluffed this morning so... radiator season is back! And I was thinking of going to market and then thought again and not. So we shall see what the days does... er... brings. (I still have to make my bed. Hey, at least it's gotten air and the cover is clean and... really, does anybody care?) At least we... WE got a night of sleep-through and no mice in the hise. Tah-dah. And my little guy is up and about and all's rolling on... rolling on... rolling... - *BLOODY 10°! YEP... RADIATOR SEASON FOR MY LITTLE ONE!* - 19.54 WOW! DID WE EVER HAVE A DAY OF IT TODAY! I worked on ALL the pages, including new “Photo” pages, on Yonah's site... re-arranging some information (the “stats” on life-expectancy and the “murder stats” are now on the “Home” page... so people will see THAT immediately). And ALL of the photos and videos are current. And as I type this, even his Journal is current-to-the-moment! WOOHOO! I actually got right on it all this morning, right after coffee, and didn't stop until... well... HIS WINDOWS ARE NOW SEALED AND INSULATED FOR THE WINTER TO COME! WEATHER STRIPPING ON BOTH, AND THE TAPE ON THE UPPER TWO WINDOWS TO KEEP DRAFTS OUT! As I worked, I thought of how dreary that room was last Winter, and how drafty the windows... even with him in there. Poor little guy! I didn't really expect him to last the entire season, to be honest. Still, it really was rather “cool”. Yes, I did have the radiator on in there, and I DID keep it as warm as I possibly could. He was “recovering”, “convalescing”, I HAD to keep it was warm as was at all possible. But I look at the old photos and, well, it really wasn't very “welcoming”... especially compared to today! It's amazing... almost 11 months and today it all appears as though that room was his the moment I arrived here! AND... HE'S STILL SUPER AWE-SOME! IN FACT, THERE'S A NEW VIDEO FROM TODAY... ME, DANCING TO REGGAE ON THE RADIO AND HIM ON MY SHOULDER, NECK, PECKING AT MY EAR! YES! HE FLEW TO ME AS I WAS CLEANING HIS ROOM AFTER WORKING ON THE WINDOWS AND WHEN THE SONG CAME ON THE RADIO, I PUT THE VOLUME UP A BIT AND STARTED “ROCKING”. WELL! HE DIDN'T MIND AT ALL! IN FACT, IT APPEARS HE ENJOYED IT! AND I WAS SO FORTUNATE TO GET IT ON VIDEO! AND IT'S ON THE SERVER, ON THE SITE, LIVE... and, of course, backed-up to a SeaGate. I DO SAY... THAT WAS *** THE HIGH-LIGHT OF THE DAY!!! Most of the day passed that way: Yonah and I, and him being so CLOSE and CUDDLY and LOVEY! WHAT a pleasure! - One note though: it was a “strange” sort of day, in a way. Mostly over-cast, a heavy breeze, from the North, of course, but nothing horrific. But, right after the two humming-birds a the back feeder (which now has fresh nectar in it) and a morning dove and 2 sparrows... for most of the day, there were NO birds at all! Not on the front porch, the back feeder, none in the skies, nor the trees! The place was devoid of birds until the mourning doves came for late night quick snack! To tell the truth, even I haven't felt “right” all day... ALL day. That feeling of “coming down with a cold” or something. Fatigue again, a bit “off” in the stomach. Head-achey-ish. And that pain in the centre chest. Not “ill”... just not “right”. Odd. But this evening, the mourning doves did come for their snack, the usual two and two hummies came to the front porch. I just don't know what to make or think of it. - Anyway... tonight's forecast is for about 12°... last night's was too and we woke to 10° so... Yonah's windows are closed and the radiator is set at “3”... and yes... even though I went through the house ever-so thoroughly to clean today... (in fact, in Yonah's room, I was on my knees Hoovering, and in my room, I pulled the luggage from under the bed to clean THAT as well), I will be with him again, tonight. I'm in no rush to get back to my own bed, honestly. It isn't even made yet. So, with the radiator on in the room, Yonah and I will have a “comfy” night of it. (I just don't want to take the fan out of my bed-room yet and close that off... it's only September... we have “Indian Summer” yet... I think. - And I'm hoping for no mice. - SPEAKING OF WHICH... I RANG AND SPOKE WITH EV TODAY... FOR ALMOST 2 HOURS! There were HORRIFIC FLOODS in The City last night! (I almost have to laugh... they were WARNED and deBlasio's office sent “EMERGENCY” messages telling people to stay in... well... SOME people DROWNED! Especially in those “basement” flats... in Queens. Honestly, I could NEVER go back to that... NEVER! And some guy on Twatsters answered my post asking about Rockaway... he says there was some flooding but most of Rockaway looks as if nothing happened. Whew!) SO... Ev and I had a nice chat and Lois is doing Rosh HaShannah at the lake where, says Ev, nothing happened other than a little “power outage”. She'll be going back to Queens after Yom Kippur. But it was a delight chatting with her today! - Now... 20.18, I've taken my pills, will have a bit of ice cream (of which I need to buy more tomorrow and didn't have after meal this evening), watch a “QI” and head for bed. - TOMORROW MORNING... BILL-PAYING (and depression... I HOPE I can swing 100 gallons of oil!) So... Yonah will wake me on time for all of that, I'm sure. And hopefully what-ever it is that's trying to drag me down today will be gone tomorrow... I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired... and with all this vit.C, either it's that that's kicking me or... WTAF can survive in this body? (Never mind... I didn't ask.) - 21.55 I AM OFF TO BED!!! HEY! “EARLY”! Let's just hope for a night of... SLEEP... FOR BOTH, YONAH AND ME!
Fri.03.Sep: 14.54 I can't believe it isn't even 15.00 yet! WOW! This has been a non-stop day... Really! Beginning at about 6.00 when DEAR, SWEET Yonah “called”. - Last night was “heavy” sleep-through. I hope it was for him too. And it did get a little “chilled”... I felt it, but it was tolerable... even with the radiator on. (Tonight, I'll crank it up to “4” though.) - Anyway... here we go with the day:
First thing, as coffee was being made, we did the “morning routine”. As that was going on, the lap-top went on... Morning routine done, on to BILL PAY! Soc.Sec. in the account and AWAY! Gas, paid. Electric, paid. Internet, paid. THEN... SHOPPING... for YONAH! PetCo... The “Healthy Select” had an “offer” of “Buy 2 Get 2 Free” (I'm not expecting the “free” but we shall see... I was going to order 2 anyway so...) A “PureFun” and a bag of some other “special” mix, allegedly “Made In Holland”, with all sorts of different seeds and fruits. I've been looking forward to “Yonah shopping” and it was DONE! Due on Tuesday or Wednesday... plenty of time because I have plenty of food for him even now. That done, transfer to TN for this month's loan payment... AND THEN... after a little “morning LOVE”, I decided to get to the “errands in town” so, at about 10.30, into the truck and into town. Stewart's to fill the tank (PAIN!). But I'd resolved to stop at 40$. There was just barely over half a tank... It stopped at 36! WOOHOO! And in Stewart's, 2 smokes and 2 “Budweisers”... for a pot roast... Rosh HaShannah. WTF? Why not? I need to cook at least one of the roasts anyway. (The pump didn't give me a receipt, I asked at the counter, but when I did the books I noticed they gave me the wrong one... Fuktardz! Bad enough they don't say “Thank you”... and the little broad seemed to be inconvenienced by my purchases. Shit-bags. But at least I didn't go to FamDoll... As I drove by I looked to see if Bubba was there. Casey's truck was but... OK.. across the road to the market for about 70$ in groceries (which took moments to put up and all fit into the tote). - HIT THE ROAD... I WANTED TO BE BACK WITH YONAH! - When I got in, I put the groceries up, “tidied” the back gallery (because it was bothering me with all the shit in the cart). - Lunch time already! FUCK! So... pills, yoghurt and an egg, finish the coffee and... into Yonah's room to get the “book-keeping” done and caught up. I've been remiss with the book-keeping. BUT, the account balanced to the penny after all the entries so I'm glad... Depressed because there's no money for oil (again). But there's some, and I might just go up to Hannaford's come the 9th and FS. - The truck? Well... it's still “bouncy”. I'm hoping it's NOT the fucking alternator! But it would figure if it is. But it made the trip. - So, as I was doing the books, moments ago... a “knock” at the front door... Crazy Tante Nancy with TREATS for Yonah! So I got into the truck and rolled up to see her, give her one of his “biz cards” and show her the “Reggae Video”. She LUVD IT! And now she has a “card” for future reference (and recommendations to others). She invited me to dinner tonight. I declined. She asked me to pick an evening next week for dinner. (What-ever.) AND SHE STILL DOESN'T HAVE THAT FUCKING ELECTRIC FENCE DONE! So much for my thinking “Sean” did it. So I told her I'll come and finish. (Maybe Sunday... if weather permits.) - And so, with the sun still shining and all things “necessary” caught up... I'm going for a snooze... - 15.13 YONAH'S IN THE POOL... WITH THE FOUNTAIN SPLASHING ON HIS FACE AND HIS WING EXTENDED! It isn't hot... 21,6° in the room... SUN POURING in through the window... BUT THERE HE IS... STILL ENJOYING THE POOL! SUCH A SWEET HEART! (I just sent a photo to Crazy Tante Nancy.) - I could use a lie-down... I've been feeling “heavy in the chest” all day, and TIRED! Last night I was looking at “iron retention” caused by “mega C” and this chronic fatigue and head-aches are symptoms. I'm going to stay with the 10g/day until I see the MD. Maybe he'll do blood-work and we can take it from there. What-ever.... I HAVE A MINIMUM 4-YEAR OBLIGATION HERE! MY BESTIE BUDDY! - (And “Linger” plays on the radio.) - I also need to get to the river for sand... and some water too... eventually. - 16.38 Took a snooze and Yonah woke me! And, as usual, JUST BEFORE the alarm! - Oh! It's BEAUTIFUL out there! A breeze! Sun-shine! As the sun moves down behind the “Bradys' it's so nice and warm! For the first time all day, the front door is open. The back door is open. The warm air is circulating through the house... And I tried grinding the fruits from Tante Nancy but they're too “fruity” so I'm trying to freeze them and then give them another whirl. But the “Ninja” works. There's that. - Franks again tonight. Not healthy, but lots of veggies with. So... - I have to go through the photos of the “Wake-Up Call”... more on Yonah's site! WOOHOO! - 22.25 I'm SO off to bed! I just dozed at the end of QI again so it's time! WRAP!
Sat.04.Sep: (Note: trying to drop the C down to 8 grams today... I want to see if there are any “changes” or difference... I mean, it's been MONTHS of this “mega”... I don't want to suddenly drop back to 2g/day so we'll see...) 7.47 I woke, just before 6.00, of my own. Must've been enough sleep, I'll suppose. Had to get to the loo so... the day commenced. And Yonah hadn't “called” yet! But, he was awake. SWEET-HEART! Anyway, the entire “morning routine” is done now and I'm off to sort through photos (again... another try to sort-out duplicates... this should take me through a Winter!) - One note: I'm cutting back to 8g/day of the C today. It's another “heavy” morning. Not “painful”, just “heavy”. I'm almost looking forward to finding-out just WHAT, the ACTUAL FUCK is going on with this old body. It's annoying, more than much else. But... the 23rd... and even then, I've no faith in these do-lolly quacks. We shall see. And I'm tired again. 2 hours? Really? Oh well... me... old... shit. - On with the day anyway. My little guy is on his shelf and “woo-HOO”ing. - At least it's not “chilled” nor “cold” this morning and the sun is on the rise. - (Catch-up Sun.05: 12.48) 23.23 I WORKED... ALL DAY, NO EXAGGERATION, ON IMAGE FILES! BUT IT WAS AN ENTIRE DAY WITH YONAH... WHO WAS OBVIOUSLY QUITE HAPPY FOR THE COMPANY! FLYING ALL OVER THE ROOM, INCLUDING, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LIMITED TO A “VISIT” ON MY HEAD! (Photos taken... AND POSTED TO HIS SITE! YES! YES! YES INDEED! HIS SITE IS AS CURRENT TODAY, AS IT COULD POSSIBLY BE... INCLUDING THE JOURNAL AND PHOTOS! WOOHOO! I should be so with my own Journal. But... ) - This morning, I happened to step out onto the front Porch and Jeff was at the PO. He asked about “the flag” and so I told him about it. When I said “I'm fed-up with BOTH, Republicans and Democrats, maybe we need a 3rd party to shake the shit out of them.” he replied “Something's got to be done.” Yeah... Yeah? Well... YOU, shit-fuck, more than likely, threw your vote for this fuck-fest we're in so... And then, this evening, Pat, from down the main, was at the PO when I was out for a smoke. SHE TOO, asked about the flag and HER “issue” is that the Republicans are sticking their noses into peoples' lives (abortion) instead of dealing with government and politics. So... the “responses” are... fairly good. - Also, this evening, a young kid came to the door as I was finishing meal (I whirled 2 tins of beets with a half onion and threw some “Stir Fry” veggies in at last minute, bread and butter, nice, ice cream after). He needed to use the phone so I gave him service on my Skype. He had an “alcohol” delivery to the Brady residence. Sean left a note with a photo-copy of his license on a clip-board on their front porch! Poor kid said he needed ID and a signature for an alcohol delivery. So he called it in and took the box away. Oh well... I told him of the incident yesterday but he was “instructed” to take it back. Oh well... At least I didn't sign for anything. None of my business. - ANYWAY... this day comes to a close TOO FUCKING EARLY! Yonah's “tuck-in” is now getting to be 19.30! It isn't bad enough the days seem to pass too fucking quickly anyway, but now it's taking time from he and I being together. Honestly! I don't like this at all! I just don't. But there's nothing that can be done to stop it. - I want to wash the futon linens tomorrow, my sleep-scrubs, the little bit of under items... just get the “lavage” done. It's supposed to be “drizzly” on and off tomorrow but, the lines are under the back roof and there's the rack so... if I get up on time. - No other plans for the day. Pondering going to “Tante Nancy's” t finish that damned “fence”. I don't know about her... and it not being done. But... none of my business, really. But I'm not “planning” on going up there... and not tomorrow anyway. I WANT MY TIME WITH YONAH! AND... I'm really not in the mood to be honest. AND... TWO DAYS WITH-OUT THE BLOODY PEE-OH! WOOHOO! - I was considering a shower again tonight... I'm just going straight to futon now... We'll address tomorrow when we wake to “today”. - Off to YONAH'S!
Sun.05.Sep: 12.11 ***** BLOODY-FUCKING PAIN !!! THIS MORNING! WOKE AT ABOUT 6.00, AFTER GETTING TO BED BY MID-NIGHT, WITH IT! ODDLY, IT'S IN THE LEFT “BREAST”. NOT “IN THE CHEST”, I SHOULDN'T THINK IT IN THE LUNG. IT “FEELS” MORE LIKE “MUSCLE”. “DEEP MUSCLE” BUT MUSCLE, NONE-THE-LESS. IT DOES KEEP ME FROM COUGHING. IT DOESN'T KEEP ME FROM BREATHING, HEAVILY OR OTHER-WISE. BUT IT “LINGERS”... “CHRONIC”... AND “SHARP”. FUCK ME! EH? JUST HAD A “BIRTHDAY”. A “NEW YEAR” COMES ON TUESDAY. ANOTHER YEAR OLDER, AND, OF COURSE, WITH IT... FALLING TO UTTER SHIT! FUCK! I WILL NOT PISS TIME AWAY IN SOME FUCKING ABATTOIR... (“HOSPITAL”) FOR HOURS ON END! ALL OF MY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE: THEY'LL “FIND” NOTHING, BUT THEY'LL POKE, PROD, PUNCTURE, CONDESCEND, LIE AND I'LL HAVE WASTED PRECIOUS TIME... AWAY FROM YONAH !!! AND THAT'S NOT HAPPENING !!! THERE'S NOBODY TO TAKE PROPER CARE OF HIM AND WE DIDN'T COME THIS FAR OVER THESE MONTHS TO HAVE IT FUCKED ! LEAVING HIM ALONE FOR A DAY? NEVER MIND, MULTIPLE DAYS ! OH HELL-TO-THE-HELL NO! I WON'T DO IT ! 2,5 WEEKS MORE... 18 DAYS... THEN I CAN HEAR ANOTHER QUACK TELL ME: “YOU HAVE A NODULE ON THE UPPER-RIGHT LOBE, OTHER-WISE, YOU'RE IN PERFECT HEALTH. CHEST X-RAY AND CT SCAN...” OR... “IT'S NOT GOOD. WE CAN START CHEMO...” OR SOMETHING OF THAT SORT. *** YONAH *** ... WE'RE GOING TO MAKE THIS... TOGETHER !!! WE WILL... TOGETHER!
So... that much said, no sense dwelling... Yes, I finally got to crawl onto Yonah's futon at about mid-night. I transferred some more files to the “2T” peripheral. This lap-top was down to less than half capacity with space! OK. So it's taken years to accumulate that much shit, and MOST of it I haven't looked at, but... some people hoard garbage and “things”... my hoarding is “digital”. (I'm looking forward to a Winter of being stuck in the house and going through all this shit... So there! I'm looking forward to that. Fuck.) - This morning? I woke before Yonah and laid in the bed, half-awake, feeling “OK”, really, until, of course, I moved to get up, which is when the pain set in. BUT... THINGS to DO! I got up and headed to the kitchen... then the loo... and Yonah “called”. Our day had commenced! Coffee, “morning routine” of water changes. Strip Yonah's futon... into the kitchen basins. Set the lap-top and peripheral up for a “major” transfer of a directory of 150GB! The “calcs” claimed “8 hours”... it actually too almost 4 any-way. But, as data moved, so did I. Linens washed and put on the line... scrubs and under-things went in next and onto the rack. All the washing is on the back gallery. And I'm not sure why, exactly, but I got the notion to hit the loo for a good cleaning! And so, toilet, sink, shower, floor... scrubbed and cleaned! (If I die, before I wake, the look will be clean.) - NEXT? Believe it or not... MY BED IS MADE! IT'S BEEN, WELL, IT HAS BE TO OVER A WEEK NOW. OR DAMNED CLOSE TO A WEEK. BUT IT'S DONE, IT'S MADE AND THE BED-ROOM LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY ACTUALLY NEVER GOES IN THERE ANYWAY BECAUSE, BEFORE, THE LINENS WERE TOSSED ON, THE BED UN-MADE... NOW, THE BED IS MADE... AND IT LOOKS LIKE “DECORATIVE”. Oh well... (If I die...) - AT NOON... I took after-noon pills... Yesterday I dropped the “C” down to 8grams... (I wonder if that has anything to do with today's pain. It shouldn't, I shouldn't think.) 6 hours... non-stop, really, actually, factually... moving, doing, moving, doing. - And now... 12.39, Yonah and I are t together, the sky is “over-cast”, there's a nice breeze blowing in through the window, and it's a “not bad” sort of day. And I have to catch-up with yesterday's entry (whilst I can and may). But this “PAIN”... (and Moby, on the radio... “Don't nobody know my troubles but God”... how true... how true.) - I believe Ms. VTrash is house-cleaning... I smell a powerful scent of “Lysol” on the air. Hmmmm... well, at least she cleans. - 13.06! FUCK! I'M TYPING AND THE TIME IS PASSING! (And I'm about to take a snooze... I'm tired... as usual... and as for this “pain”... I'd SWEAR I've been through this before so... we shall see how it “plays out”.) - Yonah's “back on the shelf”... Poor little guy. But at least we both had a sleep-through night, last night. - 14.50 I AM FEELING QUITE LIKE SHIT! TIRED! REALLY TIRED. AND THE PAIN IN THE BREAST/CHEST/SHOULDER/ARM... and I had a lie-down, half-dozing and at one point, it felt as if my heart was “fluttering” and I got a bit woozy. - 15.11 Having a ginger tea... maybe that'll help... or... what-ever. - I can't believe it but the sheets are almost dry! The rest, on the rack, is in the bed-room where the fan is blowing. I'm not going to count on any of that drying before tonight. - Anyway, I've already noted on Yonah's journal:
HE'S BEEN LITERALLY “ATTENTIVE” TO ME ALL AFTER-NOON! FLYING ABOUT THE ROOM, AROUND ME AS I SIT AT THE WORK TABLE. HE'S BEEN ON MY HEAD, AND ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR! HE “KNOWS” SOME-THING'S JUST NOT “RIGHT” TODAY (and it has me a bit concerned).
I just pulled the “records” of the last time I went to that abattoir... it was the 18th August LAST year! Sure, there's a “balance” of 868,16 on the “correspondences” but I HAVE to imagine that most (if not all) of that was taken care of by Medicaid... IF ANYBODY in that fuck-house actually submitted anything to Medicaid. And I'm to understand that I have a “responsibility” of 180 per month and I believe most of that was covered... some-where along the line. Still, I don't believe they can out-right “refuse” treatment. But, this isn't NYC and anything is possible... especially since they're “affiliated with” that UVM shit-hole. Although, in VT, I'm SURE NOBODY would EVER deny treatment to a “poor pensioner”. (I wish NorthWest Medical wasn't so far away... I'd have NO reservations about going there, but it would take over and hour to get there, over an hour back... so figure 3 hours travel alone, the another 3 hours in the ER... 6 hours! If I left now I wouldn't be back until... 21.30 or 22.00 and THAT will NEVER do!). I'm just feeling angry again, and alone... I won't leave Yonah alone for all that time, and worse, I don't trust ANYBODY to “watch-over” him properly. I don't doubt that Nancy's heart is in the right place and that she has a lot of love to give him. But even SHE admitted (claimed) some sort of “attention deficit”... and I can attest to that, especially with regard to that “fence”... I mean, come to me, as for the box and parts at the last minute and, even as I type this, the last 20-30 minutes' work hasn't been done. (I've been toying with the idea of just going up there this evening but.. I'll have to see how things “work out” with this pain.) And I'm pretty damned-well positive that she won't go through the water changes twice daily. Nor do I expect that she'd come down to put the back-board and roof-board on at night. Never mind being here early in a morning to make sure Yonah's house is “open”, the radio on. And he needs company during the day! NOBODY I know would put aside time for that... just to come sit and talk with him. Not to mention I don't know how he'd be with “strangers”. People aren't his “natural companion” and it's taken US all these months to develop our camaraderie. Oh... No, there's just no way I can be away from him... And, of course, there's the fact that he's the ONLY reason I'm even here today. I HAVE to be well, be HERE for him! I OWE him that much. - Oh, these are the days... I suppose it's best that it happens now. Better than in dead Winter when the dark, cold and all that sort of shit would weigh even heavier. (I keep glancing at all the “test” those shit-sacks did a year ago and found “nothing” other than a “nodule”. Fuktards.) Then again, the fact remains: I HAVE had this or very similar before... it passed... this too, most likely, will pass too and tomorrow I'll just feel the fool. Of course, only “tomorrow” will tell all for certain. - Right now, I have to get some photos on Yonah's site... for today. - Meal will be quick and easy tonight again: borscht and veggies. - (And it sounds like we're in for an evening of fuckeries from next-door... I fear the little sperm-dump has come to “visit” with mama. SMOKE in the house! FUCK! I'm really in NO mood! But it's time to take the sheets in... I wonder if it wouldn't be better it I were to leave them out there... Although, that trash has no respect or consideration no matter what anyway... There's always something. If I do go to the ER, I'll have to mention the “stress” of this shit-box. I'll be sure to mention it on the 23rd. Just to make it “known”. Maybe it'll help with a “house-hunt”?) - 18.57 Poor little Yonah... at the rate this pain is going, I'm seriously planning on heading into the ER when he's “tucked-in”. 3-4 hours means I won't be back until mid-night! I HATE THIS! But I really don't want to chance going to bed and not waking up in the morning. I won't do that to Yonah! I WON'T! Yes, it's “that” painful now. I though I could “work it out” during the day, but after meal, it just seems worse... I'm even a touch nauseous now. No trouble breathing. No congestion. That's what's bothering me... no congestion and on the left side, even to my fingers on the left hand. It would figure! But I just HOPE they don't even consider, in passing, an “admit”. But, I'll be sending a text to Nancy before I leave, just saying that if my truck isn't here in the morning, please come in and open Yonah's door. I'll put the boards on for the night, but at least the door will be open and he'll be able to get out and about. I don't know about radio or the likes. But... maybe I'll ask Nancy to turn that on as well. I've taken a photo of it so she'll see it and know where the “On/Off” is. “Just in case”. As I say, I don't want to not wake up in the morning. Oh... these are the days... the times... I'm “that old”. I suppose it was coming. I suppose. But maybe tonight I can get an answer to the question about the size of the “nodule” and play it from there. I checked, on-line... just to see. The abattoir doesn't refuse medical. Of course, they can make it Hell. But, better to have that now than... - OK. I'll need a shower and a change of clothes. I think I can swing that. And... I'll have to drive in the dark. Not happy about that too much but. What I'd really like to do is take a nice shower and go to bed... but I don't dare... I just don't. Meanwhile, Yonah is keeping watch of me. He knows... He KNOWS... God help us BOTH! HIM more than me. - At least this Journal will be current and HIS is too! (Not that anybody will see this one, but...) -
23.38 Well... I was showered and out the door by 20.30... OFF TO THE ER! A “new experience”, driving in the dark. I can still do it, though... squinting. Anyway, the parking lot at hospital was EMPTY and I got RIGHT in (masked, of fucking course). EKG, CBC Diff, CMP, Troponin, x-ray PA (from back on the gurney)... and by 23.00 I WAS OUTTA THERE! TWO hours instead of the THREE the last time! And the staff were REALLY NICE this time! A complete opposite of the previous time. The pain? Well, pretty much as I though originally: “inflammation of the cartilage that joins ribs to breast-bone. They call it: Costochondritis (sounds like something from Costco). Anyway... NO HEART ATTACK OR COLLAPSED LUNG! WOOHOO! *** AND THE “NODULE”? WELL... “PA Jim” says it's “almost 2cm” but that because the x-ray was taken from the back, it's difficult to say more precisely. But HEY!!! “Almost 2cm” from the 8mm from, I think it has to be AT LEAST 3 YEARS AGO... THAT'S A SLOW GROWTH! 1cm in 3 YEARS? SO... as I said to PA Jim, cancer grows a LOT faster than that! So this is encouraging. And PA Jim says, when I said “CA Lung used to be an instant death sentence”... he replied “Not any more, not even close anymore.” YONAH AND I HAVE FIVE MORE YEARS!!! I just have to watch this “banging about on this old body! SO...AND NANCY TEXTED ME WHILST I WAS IN THE ER, UNTIL ALMOST 21.30! I'd texted to ask her if she'd come check on Yonah in the morning. She offered to check on him tonight too! The messages were so sweet and she's such a gem about it! (Thankfully, not necessary.) - So I'm going to have an ice cream and get comfy... all the EKG stickers are off and I want to get ready and get to bed/futon! Poor Yonah... when I came in he gave a “woo-HOO-hoo”! My poor little guy! So I went in to tell him... “WE HAVE THAT FIVE YEARS!” and I almost broke-down crying! MY LITTLE GUY! MY LIFE! WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOR AS LONG AS HE'S AROUND! AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER! (Not to mention, I'm rather sure that “nodule” is benign. But I'm keeping the 8gC up for the month anyway. Hey! Blood's fine! Heart's fine! Nodule's slow! WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!!!
Mon.06.Sep: 9.46 It wasn't “easy”, I was still rather “elated” with the results of the ER visit, but... at 0.50 this morning, I finished one episode of QI, had my “night pills”, some ice cream, put out the lights and went off to “futon” with my MOST PRECIOUS LITTLE GUY! He was awake when I got back from hospital and I can only hope that he was asleep when I finally got under the covers and whispered, as is the nightly rule “I LOVE YOU!”. He had quite the evening-into-night, poor little WONDER that he is. BUT, at about 6.00 this morning, he decided it was time to wake... and me, well, I took another 30 minutes. I REALLY would have liked another 60-90 minutes but... “things to do”! - So I got up, put the kettle on, had my “A.M. Loo” and today began rolling. Boards off. Waters and kitchen roll changed. (What a lovely relief to see NO mouse turds in Yonah's house in the morning... again!) NEXT! POT ROAST! The “soup pot” on the hob, oil... heated, add the roast briefly. Sadly, the timing for the frozen potatoes and onions... well... they were still a solid block but... in they went. 2 tins of beer, a package of “Stew Veggies” and the pot was STUFFED! - Moving along, a shirt, jeans and some under-items into the basins on the soak and I got dressed. - BUT I DO BELIEVE I'VE FIGURED-OUT HOW I GOT THIS “Costochondritis”... Lugging the 5gal bucket of water for the “changes”! I shouldn't doubt it. Must've grabbed it, in a rush, and yanked something. SO! SO... there we have it. Sadly though, I see that it could take 1-2 weeks to “heal” so we're in this for a while. Ah, I've no time to stop and the “treatment” is “rest”. HAHAHAHAH...! Fukdat. - Anyway... at 8.04, message from Crazy Tante Nancy: “You just take it easy!” and the messaging didn't stop until 8.43 when she got to the gym. OK. There we have a day. - Now, the roast is on the boil on the hob (which, I see, uses A CONSIDERABLY AND REMARKABLY NOTICEABLY DELIGHTFULLY LESS ELECTRIC THAN THE STOVE!!! as I checked the metre this morn), the lavage is sur la ligne, doors are open. It's over-cast and the air is just moving. I'm having a coffee and Yonah is on his fave spot on the wall shelf. Just another day... “Holiday”, pffttt! - BUT I'M QUITE RELIEVED (if what I was told last night at hospital has ANY ring of “truth” to it... which I tend to doubt based on... well... I asked TWICE for the size of the nodule and I was told “I'll go look and see what I can find on that and I'll be right back”... SHE never did come back, and the “PA Jim” was SO EXTREMELY non-committal and evasive and I practically had to rip what little info I got out of his soul. Honestly, they just don't give a shit's-worth of a fuck. BUT... no matter and so what, NO HEART trouble, a SLOW-GROWING “lump” so I'm thinking NOT (necessarily) “CA”. I still have NO clue as to WHY I get these “WOOZY” spells, but maybe it has to do with the left ear (which I had to douse with alcohol already this morning). “Vertigo”? Perhaps. What-ever. At least it appears Yonah and I have out “5 years”!!! Or, as many as he has... because when his are done, mine end too. - So here we are... Labour Day... fuck. AND ROSH HaSHANNAH! FUCK! ANOTHER YEAR... GONE! - But the house is still, chores are current... and I'm off to look into when that “nodule” was “discovered”... and to time the growth-rate. (Poor Mr. Dr. Demuro... when I show up with... what-ever. We'll see how “good” he actually is. I always remember “Dr. Barry” who appreciated that I took an active interest. I was never a “threat” to him. We shall see.) - I want a snooze now but... I'm off to Yonah's room for some “investigating”. Tonight's meal is on the cook... and what's to come will come when it comes... and goes. - (I just, to be honest, still, would REALLY enjoy getting the fuck out of this shit-box... “It's out there...” Some-where... Yes, I do believe.) - 10.25 The cum-dump and it's spore have arrived next door. Oh well... it WAS a nice day. - 20.22 The day rolls along and come to find out, the “spore” came to “fetch mama” to take her to hospital for blood work. Ah... came and went... thankfully. I wasted a few hours of the day because as I was working in the kitchen, it called “Hello neighbour!” Sadly, I went to “chat”. Says VTrash, “I heard you coughing.” Yeah? Well... fuck you anyway. Still, we chatted. I get to know more about her and I get to dislike more about her as well. - Meanwhile...
I spent the day looking for the paper-work from NorthWest Medical that mentioned the discovery of the “node”. I want to see the date so I know how much (or little) the damned thing has grown and over what period of time. I must have thrown all of it away because, I looked EVERY-where in this house where “papers” could have possible been “stored”... NOTHING! I mean *NOTHING*. I vaguely recall thinking, at some point, a while back, that I just didn't want any of that “VT” shit in the house and that all those medical records were useless anyway... especially BEFORE YONAH CAME. So, yeah... GONE. BUT... I DID FIND THE ENTRY IN THIS JOURNAL! I searched for “nodule” and “lung” and finally found “node”!!! (WOOHOO FOR JOURNALS! And THANK YOU BIBSIE-JEANNINE BRADLEY for getting me into the habit!) ***** SATURDAY 27 OCTOBER 2018... ***** 8mm ***** AND ON SUNDAY, 07 SEPTEMBER 2021 “ABOUT 2cm” ***** SO, OVER A PERIOD OF ABOUT 3 YEARS... IT'S “GROWN” AT A RATE OF ABOUT 4mm/YEAR! CONSIDERABLY SLOW! ***** I'm thinking it's “Dung-Lung”... they say it can't be “cured” but it CAN be “treated”, although, it IS quite deadly... over years. And, at this juncture, if it IS just Dung Lung and they say they'd like to remove it, IF IT'S A “CURE”, I'll most-likely go for it... IF IT'S A CURE! Other-wise, as long as I can have FULL TIME WITH YONAH, until HE “departs”, I'll leave it be. Still... it's almost re-assuring. Sadly, I don't have ANY trust in those quacks at the local abattoir... If I could figure a way to get back to NorthWest Medicall...”
Oh... and Ms. VTrash “hates” NorthWestMedical... but it does like the local abattoir so... that pretty much settles that.
OK so anyway... the “pot roast” tonight... flavourful enough but the beef... it must have been frozen too long because it was almost a “fabric-like” texture to chew. But, there's plenty of it left for another 4 meals and it's edible (barely) so... there we have it. - AND TONIGHT IS ROSH HaSHANNAH (until Wednesday night). Tomorrow night I might just have that last “martini” that's been in the fridge... Vermouth in fridge, a little vodka too, and a “tiny splash” more vodka in the freezer. I can't recall how long... oh... January... 2021. Imagine that! In the house and there it still is after all this time. (That's Yonah... I dropped all that when I discovered he'd be staying.) I could “celebrate” last night's news (from the ER) and A NEW YEAR WITH YONAH!!! We shall see how the rest of the day rolls. Oddly, I have no real “desire” to have a martini any more. Especially since I wonder what it'll do to my stomach, after all these months and all the pills and the pain in the sternum area and... oh well. - BUT right now, notes noted. (I'll have to catch-up again... I'm doing a LOT of that lately.) BUT... Yoah's journal is current... I had night pills. Now for a nosh, QI, perhaps a quick shower and... SOON TO FUTON! (Yes... I'm sleeping in Yonah's room tonight.... A new year in the morning... and I WANT to see it in with HIM! - 22.30 OFF TO BED... FUTON... DIRECTLY. I'm EXHAUSTED! (Some of it's from the “ER News” and the rest is just that's the way I am of late.) - (Notes expounded and extended and recorded 16.05 on Wed.08.Sep.)
Tue.07.Sep: 8.13 Loan Paid. Bills current! A nice start to the day.... - (16.06 Wed.08.Sep. “Catch-up” AGAIN!!!):
Since it's the majority of the day's events and I actually copied Yonah's Journal entry for today, here, I'm just going to leave it here. It covers what's, to me, THE MOST IMPORTANT aspect of ANY of my days and it's a detailed as I could want, so...
Tuesday 07 September:
It's only just about 19.30 (7.30PM) and Mr. Yonah is already “tucked-in” for the night. The mourning doves in the yard have come for their “evening snack” and gone to tuck themselves in for the night so, I take their cue. I'm to understand that mourning doves usually take 10-14 hours of rest per day, and Yonah... well, I believe he goes to sleep when he's tired, even though I tend to stay awake for some time after his “tuck-in”. But then, he gets to “snooze” during the day as well. But I try to keep things on his routine around the house. Anyway, it's a little “sad” at this time of year, when the sun sets so early in a day, rises later in the morning. We don't have much “day time” together. (Although, he still wakes me at about 6.00 or 6.30 and yes, I'm still sleeping on his futon so we're “together” over-night. And I DO believe he notices that... And I've become so accustomed to sleeping in his room now that, well, breaking that and going back to my own bed is... let's just say, I'll be with him again tonight. No shame... I admit it, I just don't like the notion of not being “there” with him over-night, and I don't like the notion of him not being “there” in the morning. But... one of these days... I'll get back to my own bed... I think.)
Anyway... THIS morning, oddly enough, I woke BEFORE Yonah called. And I laid there, waiting for the call too. When, after some moments, I heard nothing, I got up to check him and there he was, on his perch, on the other side of his house, not where he usually sleeps. He'd been up and about already but let me “sleep-in”, as it were, for an extra half hour. SO SWEET! (I was rather exhausted last night and I appreciated the extra time to “snooze”.)
So, I got up, got my coffee and my own “morning routine” running and by about 8.30... we got to “business”:
The kitchen roll under his pool needed replacing and so... I took advantage of the situation and... the pool got disassembled! It got a thorough scrubbing, and the fountain pump and tubing got a thorough vinegar-water flush for about 45 minutes! (I do a 50/50 water/vinegar flush for the 45 minutes, followed by a “clear water flush”, where I set the pump and tubing in his “pool” but I have the out-put in the basin and let the tap run fresh water into the pool and out into the basin. That way, no trace of vinegar in tubing or pool, and that too, is about 45 minutes. Hey! It's as I say where his water is concerned: I I would drink it, it doesn't belong in his house. So there.)
As I worked in his house, Yonah “supervised” from his roof-top, watching as I removed the kitchen roll, wiped the “tray” that's under it, got the fresh paper together and laid that and re-installed his pool (and the potted white pine that goes with it). Honestly, he's SO intent when he watches me in his house! It's amazing. He has an obvious “interest” in what goes on!
By 11.00 we were done, the pool was back up and running... with fresh, clean water, the kitchen roll was fresh and clean and fresh food was served... just in time for “brunch”, as is Yonah's usual routine where eating is concerned. (I'll NEVER understand why there's so much stress, in what I've read, about not leaving food available at all times for mourning doves. Yonah eats what he wants, when he wants, and he has a bit of a routine about it: a little in the early morning, a little more late morning/early after-noon, more at “dinner-hour” and a light snack before retiring. I've always made sure that he has fresh food available all through a day and night and, well, it's almost 11 months, WOW... in a week!, and he's SURELY NOT “fat”! He's just as slim and trim as the mourning doves in the yard. So, so much for the “only feed them on a schedule”. Never mind that. THEY KNOW when they're hungry. Honestly!) So he had a bite to eat and I cleaned the little “mess” I'd made doing the house-work, and moved into his room for the day... at the work table, to work on more of his “calling cards” (he now has about a dozen and I have a “sheet” at the ready for when I need/want more... to print on water-colour paper... fancy) and a few other items that needed attention today.
After a bit of cloudiness, it was another really quite beautiful day... open window, sun pouring in, and comfortably warm, not humid! Delightful! Last night was a bit on the “chilly” side, but Yonah's radiator kept us both quite warm. Tonight's not supposed to be as chilly, but his radiator is on anyway, just to be sure he's not even in the slightest, chilled.
And I TRULY MUST NOTE... as I was getting things together for this evening's routine of water changes and such... the phone rang... HIS PHONE NUMBER! I don't know that anybody other than “Tante Nancy” has it, and she uses it to send text messages, but, of ALL the places... some-how, the local “YMCA” called! (I didn't answer because I didn't recognise the caller number but...) I had to laugh a bit when I told Yonah “The YMCA is calling you. Did you pay your gym membership? Or is it due for renewal? Maybe they just want a contribution? What do you think? Send them a cheque?” What made it all the funnier... he STARED RIGHT AT ME AS I TOLD HIM THIS AND IT LOOKED AS IF HE WAS THINKING “Have you gone completely insane?” As I say, THAT REALLY made the entire situation all the more amusing! One thing, at least we know his number actually rings-through! (We should activate his “voice-mail”... have him record a message. I can only just imagine when the “voice-mail” picks up and the caller hears “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo” and then the “tone” to record a message. Ah... I just might!
And so, that was our day today, together, with several breaks for cuddles, snuggles, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! And now, the sun's completely set and night has arrived and, Yonah's tucked-in and calm, and warm, and safe... and LOVED, and CHERISHED! (And I'll be on the futon beside him in short order.) Another day in the Life and Times of Yonah Taube... MY HEART AND SOUL!
In *** OTHER NEWS *** ...
Last night I had a “snap dreamlette”, or, that's the only thing I recall about a “dream” at all: I HAD to gt to some-where, I don't know where, exactly, but I was stressed about it. It was night and I was in a place that resembled this parking area here, in a rural area, but wasn't here. I got into the truck and as I closed the door and went to put the key in the ignition, the fuel gauge registred “FULL” then SUDDENLY DROPPED to “EMPTY” and JUST AS SUDDENLY, BOUNCED BACK TO FULL! And that's all I remember... I wonder what THAT was all about. Oh well... there we have it. (Maybe it's my “mood”? Not bad... terribly down... elated after the ER visit?)
But... QUITE INTERESTING... I was out front on the porch late this morning and Dan came by and stopped to chat. We talked about his house, this shit-box, mice and shopping... he was just back from Plattsburgh and we bitched about the drive all the way up there to find empty shelves. As he says, and it's rather true... merchants can't find the help, warehouses, manufacturers... nobody wants to work because they're collecting up-wards of 600$/WEEK on “unemployment”! Fuck! As I said, 2400/month for doing fukkall! Shit-sacks. ANYWAY... our “chat” got into “health”... COME to find out, he was recently in the ER... for almost the same symptoms I get: congestion in the chest, heavy breathing, lump in the throat. And they treated him like SHIT! Took x-ray and quick CT and told him it's “COPD”. When he told the “Nurse” or “PA” that his tongue was swollen, she said “I've never seen your tongue before so I can't tell whether or not it's swollen.” Honestly! FUCKING WASTES, that bunch there. And so, he tells me that, for months now, he's had the same “congestion”, we agreed we both have “post nasal” and he says he wakes in the morning hacking “clumps, lumps and clots of heavy sputum” too! WELL! I wonder... I told him of my “observation”... Joan and her collapsed lung. He's had one of those. And our allergies to what-ever is in the air here and maybe our lungs are “clearing” and having to deal with that. As for the “drip” well.. that could be associated but... One thing I MUST SAY... I don't delight in his sufferings, but it IS a bit of an extra relief to me to know that I'm not the only one... suffering through this bull-shit AND BEING DISRESPECTED AND MISTREATED AT THAT SHIT-SHOW ABATTOIR! I'm almost “looking forward” to what I'm going to get on the 23rd from this new “PCP”! I'm NOT expecting anything “positive” and I AM expecting to have to “engage in battle”... Oh well... Fukkem! Fukkemall! Really! - 21.51 I'm OFF TO FUTON! New Year and I want to spend these days with YONAH! And it's earlier than my usual. I've had my pills, had some peaches and yoghurt and 2 “PopTarts” and an episode of QI. I'm TIRED! AND... I NEED kitchen roll for Yonah and some other items... a trip to Walmart! GODS HELP AND SAVE ME! If Yonah wakes me at the usual hour tomorrow, the plan is: Get up, get the “morning routine” done and get the Hell out of the house as early as possible and TRY to get back BEFORE 14.00!!! That's the thought... What it will come to will be seen... if and when it's been done. For now... OFF TO BED AND HOPE FOR A NIGHT'S SLEEP! - One more quick note: When I up-dated Yonah's Journal page this evening, I saved it as normal, but when I went to load it to the server... IT WAS GONE! FUCK! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED! GONE ON THE LAP-TOP! LUCKILY, I PULLED THE SERVER PAGE TO THE LAP-TOP BUT NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE PAGE WENT! OH... .THIS PIECE OF SHIT LAP-TOP! (Next time... soon, please, I can afford it... NEW LAP-TOP... and NOT a Dell! I might go... “Apple”... MIGHT.)
Wed.08.Sep: 13.54 I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TIME! YONAH WOKE ME AT ABOUT 6.15... I GOT RIGHT INTO THE “MORNING ROUTINE” AND... ALMOST AS SOON AS I'D DONE WITH IT, INCLUDING CHECKING THE WEATHER... AT 8.40 I WAS HEADING OUT THE DOOR TO PLATTSBURGH! WELL !!! HERE WE HAVE IT... GOT TO PLATTSBURGH, ROLLED IMMEDIATELY TO WALMART WHERE I MANAGED TO GET EVERYTHING I SAW ON MY LIST ! (“I saw”, because I didn't get the new moccasins, but I really don't care because I managed to get the “absolute necessities” that were the main part of my list!) INCLUDED WAS ANOTHER “'ANCHOR HOCKING” GLASS STORAGE JAR THAT DIDN'T HAVE A UPC STICKER ON IT AND NO MATTER HOW I TRIED TO “LOOK IT UP” AT THE “SELF-SERVE” CASHE, THE BLOODY COMPUTER COULDN'T FIND IT. WELL! I WASN'T ABOUT TO GO BACK THROUGH THE STORE AT THE END OF MY SCANNING SO I PACKED IT... AND MANAGED TO GET OUT THE DOOR. (I do NOT consider it “wrong” of me because first and foremost, they can send the fucking bill to the White House who's responsible for the jacked-up prices on all this shit and second, I was just AMAZED that the fucking store had what I went there for today... so, I'll just call it an “Inconvenience Compensation” for ALL of the other times I've gone there to find, like today, mostly empty shelves. NOT to mention, I wanted to order most of what I had to travel exactly 41miles - from drive to car-park - all the time away from Yonah, the 12$ in gas - 3 fucking gallons...) OK! So I was in the store, grabbed everything from mums to sheers for Yonah's room (too short but they'll do for now) and 12 rolls of kitchen-roll... and out the door! Stewart's for gas (mentioned... I'm quite impressed... 3 gallons and 12$... I was expecting about 20$. Woohoo!) Next... Hannaford's for yoghurt, coffee (at same price as currently at Tops... disappointment there but prices are UP UP UP... FUCK!) and the only thing I forgot is noodles, but I didn't have a “list” so... And from Hannaford's... BACK ON THE NORTHWAY! - *INCIDENT*: FOLLOWED SOME SHIT-SACK FROM TEXAS ALONG CORNELIA AND ONTO THE NORTHWAY... IT'S SPORE WERE BOUNCING ABOUT IN THE BACK OF THE “BLACK, FORD, PICK-UP”! *WELL!* WE GOT ONTO THE NORTHWAY AND SUDDENLY I SEE SOMETHING BLACK FLYING TO THE FRONT OF MY TRUCK! WHEN I DIDN'T SEE IT ON THE ROAD, I HAD TO PULL OVER AND SURE ENOUGH... SOME KIND OF “SUN SCREEN”! IT HAD STUCK TO THE FRONT GRILL OF THE TRUCK! OVER-HEAT THREAT! BUT IT FELL OFF AS I PULLED-OVER AND I LEFT IT THERE AND GOT BACK ONTO THE ROAD... AND ROLLED ALONG AT ABOUT 120km/h to exit 33 !!! Keeping-up with what MUST have been “local” NY traffic! WOW! I haven't done THAT in YEARS! But this morning, I was a man-on-a-mission... to get back home to my Yonah! From exit 33 to Liztoon... rolled at about 110km/h! And rolled right through town! When I got to the house, I pulled to the front, un-loaded onto the front porch, parked the truck and when I walked into the house... 11.40 !!!!! THREE HOURS! IT SHOULD TAKE 45 MINUTES EACH WAY JUST THE DRIVE! AND I DIDN'T RUSH ON THE NORTH-BOUND TRIP! WOW! OK then... HELLO to Yonah, un-pack the piddly shit I bought for 101$ (pisses me off, but none of it was “frivolity” today), put the mums in the boxes on the front, put up Yonah's new sheers, quick-washed the sheers that were on his windows, washed the jar and bowls... the house is together, the sheers are dry, folded and put away and... I've put today's damages on the “digital registre” and balanced the account! - WHAT... A FUCKING DAY! AND THIS... DAY 2 OF THE NEW YEAR!!! - A notation on a dream last night... that I drifted out of to awake this morning: I was in “drag” for a reason that was “expected”, in somebody else's house. A storm was coming and I had to go out. I was in drag, tasteful, brown wig, eyes done, and in the dream, the old man knew about what-ever reason it was that I was in drag, though he didn't approve, he let it go. I was heading down the stairs to the front door to leave, in the darkness of the storm... and woke. Fucked-up. - Also, TWO FOOT CONTRACTION EPISODES LAST NIGHT... ONE AT ABOUT MID-NIGHT, THE OTHER AT ABOUT 4.57 THIS MORNING. WELL! So much for getting to bed “on time”. - Now... I'm exhausted and wondering HOW I managed ALL of this this morning! But I DID IT! - And there are a few days of this journal that need “catch-up” but I'm going for a lie-down! WOW! I DID IT! SUCCESS! Out, shopped, returned... BEFORE NOON! I CAN DO IT! - 16.23 Caught-up with the past 2 days... and Ms. Shit took mama in for her CT today... I'd seen it having it's lunch on the back stoop over there when I was “planting” for the front porch and it lit a smoke and said “Since you don't have any washing on the line. I look for that.” WHAT-THE-FUCK ever! It took mama and at about 14.50 came back... parked it's shitter on the back gallery and ... I'm STILL trying to get the stench of cigarette out of here! I was sweeping the front porch and THE FUCKING SMOKE WAFTED THROUGH THE DAMNED HOUSE AND OUT THE FUCKING FRONT DOOR!!! SO I HAD TO CLOSE THE BACK DOOR AND PUT THE FUCKING FAN ON! As I was sweeping, it left... about half an hour ago, but the house STILL STINKS! I REALLY FUCKING NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! OR... THERE'S ABOUT TO BE OPEN UTTER HELL! And Alden had better have a GRAND “Guardian Angel” when THAT shit-bag-nut-sack comes rolling round again (and he has to soon, because he has to change VTrash's living-room windows... hahahahah... fuck). I'm in NO mood for any more of his shit! (Oh, and the rent cheque hasn't been presented.) - Anyway... 16.28 and time to prep for meal... I'm caught-up with this... Next? I have to re-do a ledger page... chequing and loan... I skipped some transactions and fucked up the pages! It's OK... time with... YONAH! (Tomorrow... because although I've thought about returning to Walmart for the items I didn't get... I don't “need” them so it's “YONAH DAY”!!!! - It's clouding up now... WARM, and a touch humid. We were supposed to get intermittent storms during the day but didn't. Oh well... mayhaps tonight... - OH... FRIDAY NIGHT'S LOW... 9°! FUCK! But then back up to 15 14 12 15 and 17. “2-Radiator Night” on Friday? One can only wonder... But... Yonah and I... in the room, closed door. Spiffy! I'm SO HAPPY I made that futon! - 20.22 WOW! DID WE HAVE A TORENTIAL DOWN-POUR... for a few moments! Quite impressive... to a point. At 17.20, out of no-where, there was a sudden clap of THUNDER followed by a BLAST of WIND and the RAIN JUST POURED, as if out of a bucket! Lightning! Thunder! Wind! Rain! (And all the while... Yonah just took it all in stride, as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. He's really amazing in that respect: the Hoover, just about any “noise” that would send say, a cat or dog into frenzy, and he just “hangs-out”, completely disinterested. WHAT A CHAMP! A never-ending source of amazement and inspiration... with his calm demeanour. LOVE HIM SO MUCH! I can learn from him.) But, as I say, it lasted moments and as quickly as it began, it passed. - AND YONAH'S FOOD ORDER ARRIVED THIS EVENING! I was changing the waters for him, a bit “earlier” than what's become the “usual” hour... the days are growing so much shorter so noticeably now, and I heard a “thud” of sorts, at the front door. So I went to see what was going on out there (because, well, I just don't “trust” folks, especially now with the “Patriot” flag being up) AND THERE IT WAS! I don't know WHO delivered it, but it came UPS... thankfully. So... we're stocking-up! If nothing else, YONAH WILL BE WITH GOOD FOOD AND FRESH WATER, and a clean, safe place in which to reside... and, hopefully, to LIVE! UN-fortunately, his “Healthy Select” was supposed to be “Buy Two Get One” and I bought two... and got two. Ah... but I rang PetCo, merely to inquire (thinking that, perhaps, that applied only to in-store) and spoke with a LOVELY woman (with quite an accent... Filipino, I might say) who was SO understanding and PUT IN AN ORDER RIGHT AWAY FOR THE FREE BAG! It was “Out Of Stock” but she managed to find a store that could ship! I'm AMAZED! And so relieved and pleased. Hey! More GOOD food for Yonah! And THAT truly IS ALL that matters to me! - This evening's “tuck-in” was quite the experience. Yonah did NOT want to settle-down for the night and decided to head for the orange tree. He's done that before... once, maybe twice. And he was pecking at the soil in the pot! I have NO idea WHAT is in that soil, but, if there's something in there, I'm thinking I need to get “soil” to add to his moss and sand. What-ever he wants, I can see to it that he has it. (Of course, no matter WHAT soil, bagged or “wild”... 500°F for quite the while! EVERYTHING MUST BE CLEAN OF PARASITES AND THE LIKES! We shall see... we shall, indeed.) But I literally had to CHASE him about to get him “back in the house”. It was almost humourous... “Almost” because, well, part of the problem was that I had the desk light on so he wasn't aware of the fact that “night” had come... AND, because he obviously didn't want to go to sleep, I felt terrible... practically forcing him. What I need in his room is a dimmer light... along with some sort of set-up for his “Natural Spectrum” light... which I'm thinking, ought to be on a pole of some sort... more 2x4 cutting... as with the living-room lamps. Oh well... By 19.45 we finally got tucked-in and settled for the night. SWEETEST BABE! - And he's MOULTING! I'd be TERRIFIED other-wise, but this time, thankfully, I understand it. He REALLY dropped so many feathers shortly after he came into the house last year... I have the jar where I collected them, in the bed-room... It's a bit frightening to see all the feathers all over the place... and I just keep watching to make sure he doesn't have any “bald” spots. But, yeah, it's just part of what he does... “Nature”... there's so much we (I) don't know. But I'm learning... slowly. - I was a bit late with tonight's “pills” so I'm running a bit behind. I don't want to get to “futon” too late because, well, I don't want to “wake” Yonah after he's settled to sleep. And yes, the futon is all ready and I will be spending another night with him. (I've become so used to sleeping in his room! Imagine... all those weeks and months I thought of getting a cot and then to think of turning those pallets into a futon! Oh well... That's my guy and he seems to be pleased with me being there over-night so... Meanwhile, my bed's perfectly made... the room is so orderly... it looks more like a “guest room” these days.) - I've been considering a “Plattsburgh run” again, tomorrow, but... I seriously don't think it's wise, nor advisable. No “need”... it would be just frivolous and I've no resources for “frivolous”... But yes, an EARLY run into market. I WANT THE DAY WITH YONAH TOMORROW... and it's supposed to be “stormy” anyway so driving is... no. - 21.54 I'm exhausted and it's time to “close shoppe”. Here's to hoping for a night's sleep... restful... peaceful... and... most important, that I don't disturb Yonah!
Thu.09.Sep: 15.11 MY GOODNESS ME! Quite the day, today... All was fine from this morning. Last night was a bit “uncomfy” for me with some contractions but, I was fine when Yonah called at about 6.00... And I got up and into “morning routine” round the house, and got me together (as it were) and headed out the door to run to town... AND... as I walked out the back door... THE DRIVE WAS BLOCKED! YESTERDAY'S STORM TOOK A CONSIDERABLE LIMB DOWN! (As far as I'm concerned, GOOD! It'll stop the fucking “by-pass” traffic” Fukkem!) (Sadly) I got into a bit of a chat with Ms. VTrash who tells me that VIVIAN RANG HER THIS MORNING TO MAKE SURE *SHE* WAS OK! Never-the fuck mind ME, but the longer that one's next door and the more I see and hear, the more I'm coming to understand how this is working-out... But, the bottom line is: I'm back in NY... I'm a “BORN New Yorker” and a “NYC NYer”. There isn't a single one around here providing MY basic essentials, I'm paying my bills, expenses and way... FUKKEM! I'm NOT going to make the same mistake I made in VT: doing my best to “blend-in”... be over-considerate. I got FUCKED in VT for/with/by being “kind and considerate”... Nope... ain't happenin' again! ANYWAY...I told her that this is the THIRD limb that's come down in the drive and I've already cleaned-up the previous two and now, I'm “fucking fed-up” with it all so I wonder who will come to clean it and how long it'll take before somebody does... AH... in the “chat”, Ms. VTrash “mentioned” a little “fact”: the tree is on the Reiners' property! SO... as a matter of “technicality”... THEY're obligated to attend to it so I'm just going to leave it all as-it and see how long it takes for somebody ELSE to get to work on it. WOOHOO! Beacuse I'll be DAMNED if I'll do anything about it. I still find it “telling” though... I'M THE ONE HERE WHO HAS A VEHICLE... THE ONE WHO PAYS THE RENT HERE WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO INCLUDE THE “PEACEFUL USE OF THE FRONT PORCH” WHICH IS LIMITED BY THE BLOODY-FUCKING POST OFFICE AND THE USE OF THE DRIVE, WHICH IS LIMITED BECAUSE OF THE THROUGH-TRAFFIC! OH... BUT ACCORDING TO Ms. VTrash, SHE MENTIONED THE TRAFFIC TO ALVIN WHO SAID “Oh, they've always done that.” (drive-throughs) So, ALLEGEDLY... Ms. VTrash SAID: “I'M TO UNDERSTAND THAT JOAN USED TO PARK THERE SO THEY HAVEN'T ALWAYS DRIVEN THROUGH. SO THEY RESPECT JOAN BUT I'M NOT TO GET THE SAME RESPECT?” She's a fuktard... but the rest of this little hamlet will come to learn... SHE'S A “VERMONTER”... ENTITLED... and they'll get JUST what they deserve... sooner or later. Still and mean-while... I'm being shown where I stand... and me? FUKKEM! FUKKEMALL! - OH... 15.37... AND I'M SEEING THE RENT CHEQUE FOR SEPTEMBER CLEARED TODAY... I wonder when it arrived... not that I care any more. - 21.12 I'm JUST finishing today's entry on Yonah's Journal and I'M SO EXHAUSTED! It ran into a down-right, absolute HORRIFIC EVENING! BIDEN'S WAGED AN ALL-OUT WAR BASED ON THIS 'FLU' AND HES' GOT SHIT-SACKS TALKING ABOUT DENYING MEDICAID/CARE TO PEOPLE WHO REFUSE THE JAB AND BIDEN WANTS COMPANIES TO FIRE PEOPLE WHO REFUSE! ESSENTIALLY TAKING AWAY THEIR INCOME AND SUPPORT, BRINGING IN HOMELESSNESS? STARVATION? I DON'T LIKE SAYING BUT IT REMINDS ME OF THE NAZI STORIES AND I'M JUST HOPING THAT THIS MEGALOMANIAC GETS TAKEN *OUT*. BUT I DON'T SEE THAT HAPPENING. NOT THE WAY THE WORLD IS GOING THESE DAYS. IT TRULY IS QUITE “APOCALYPTIC”... RUNNING INTO THE “END OF DAYS”, AS IT WERE. Oh... again I say: This is a grand time in the history of human-kind to be “old”... We're at the end... Liberty is dying, and nobody's making any efforts to revive it. Alas. (It's Yonah and I... and I don't know why, but I feel quite BLESSED... having him as my Companion. As long as we're together... as long as he's here... We'll be together and I'll GIVE MY BEING to his comfort and well-being... Alone, if necessary.) - Well, mean-while, again, his futon is prepared for me for tonight. He's tucked-in and peaceful, safe, sound, plenty of food and water, and warmth, protection against the elements... of Nature and humanity. Nothing else matters. - 23.13 WRAP! I'M (again), EXHAUSTED! IT'S BEEN QUITE THE DAY... INDEED. - Oh, and this key-board's fucking about again... this shit! Oh... time to “walk away”... Here's to hoping for a night of restful sleep... for Yonah and me.
Fri.10.Sep: 20.36 OH! I HAD to leave Yonah shortly after getting to the futon last night. CONTRACTIONS... IN THE FEET! ESPECIALLY THE LEFT FOOT! AND THE TOES PULLED BACK! AT THE OLD BREAK! SHIT! WOW! WAS THAT EVER PAINFUL!!! So I got up, tried the “walking it off”, socks on... wrapped my butt with the “brace” and instead of being up and down through the night and disturbing Yonah, I just got on my bed, used the afghan to cover and hoped for a night of some sort of “naps”, at the very least. Yeah, it worked OK. But I was just thrown off this morning... NO YONAH beside me when I woke! I “missed” him! - Still not sure where I got the ambition, energy or what-ever it took, but I REALLY WENT AT THE ONE WINDOW IN THE BED-ROOM TODAY! Put the foam-stripping on, used that “caulk rope” round the glass. And did a “proper” job of it. The “rope” is shit, stretched and snapped. But I managed to get the panes “sealed”. AND THE UPPER PANE IS CRACKED IN THE UPPER-RIGHT CORNER! Well, OH MY! GEE! I wonder what sort of “response” I'd get if I were to bitch about it to the “Fucking Land-lord”. (Since “HUD” doesn't cover the place, I'm sure there'd be all sorts of “Well...” and “If it's something you'd be interested in...” and it'd all turn out the same as with the stove... FUCK ME! Oh... there's just no sense in it. “Can't fix stupid”. And truly, I just don't want to be bollocksed or arsed with that piece of New England shit... I suppose I'm getting what I'm paying for. The rent's “affordable... If I wouldn't jeopardise FS, Medicaid, Medicare and the sort, I'd go for HUD. But... we have to weigh... and I'd rather have the food and HEAP, to be honest. Eventually, I'll probably have to put the plastic over that window, but for now... it's nicely sealed... we shall see what's to come of it. THE BADDEST NEWS IS THAT I'VE PULLED THE NAILS FROM THE INDEX FINGER AND THUMB ON THE RIGHT HAND AND THE THUMB ON THE LEFT... FROM PUSHING THE “ROPE” INTO THE WINDOWS! *PAINFUL* TONIGHT, I DO SAY! “NOTES AND CATCH-UP” FOR THIS JOURNAL TONIGHT... (and I need to STOP that because I'm now running about THREE days behind... between the exhaustion at day's end and now this pain... oh... “Life”). But at least the window is done. (I'm not bothering with the other one. Not now, anyway.) - ***** GOT A CALL FROM THE ABATTOIR TODAY! Missed it... thanks to fucking Skype not ringing again... Called back... SPOKE WITH “JORDAN” (another ditsy little girl): “DOCTOR DEMURO SAYS THAT BECAUSE OF YOUR X-RAY, YOU NEED TO CALL YOUR PROVIDER AND ARRANGE TO GET A CT.” *MY PROVIDER*? THAT'S WHAT DEMURO IS SUPPOSED TO BE! HERE WE GO! THE INCOMPETENCE AND APATHY HAS LAUNCHED. SO I TOLD “JORDAN” TO TELL DEMURO ABOUT THE RECORDS THAT WERE “DUMPED” ON HALLORAN AND THAT, WHEN I ASKED ABOUT THE SIZE OF THE “NODULE” IN THE RECENT VISIT TO THE E.R. I HAD TO ALMOST FIGHT TO GET ANY INFO ON IT. BUT, 3 YEARS AGO I WAS KINDLY TOLD IT WAS 8mm AND THAT IN THE ER I WAS TOLD IT'S “ABOUT 2cm” WHICH, TO MY CALCULATIONS MEANS IT'S GROWING AT A RATE OF 4mm PER YEAR WHICH IS RATHER SLOW. “JORDAN” SAID SHE'D PASS IT ON TO DEMURO AND IF HE THINKS I SHOULD GET THE CT BEFORE MY APPOINTMENT ON THE 23rd, SHE'LL CALL BACK... WELL... THAT WAS AT ABOUT 15.30... NO CALL-BACK SO... THEY REALLY *ARE* CLASSIC “FUKTARDZ”! WERE I NOT SIMPLY “CURIOUS”, AND AM NOW DETERMINED TO BE HERE FOR YONAH I'D JUST LEAVE IT ALL ALONE AND TELL THEM TO SHOVE IT ALL UP THEIR COLONS. BUT I NEED AT LEAST ANOTHER 5 YEARS... TO BE HERE FOR YONAH !!! SO... I'll do what I must, until I not longer must at which point... I'll “lay me down to sleep” and... FTW! - In other “news”... Alvin showed-up today, next door, of course, to “notify” that he'd be cutting the felled limb. What a classic dolt. He showed-up with an electric chain-saw, tried to plug it into Ms. VTrash's but that didn't seem to work so it got plugged into the “PO Shed” out front... and he showed wearing A YELLOW HARD HAT (which, amusingly, kept falling off as he toddled about, cutting limbs and such). AND... he's left two strips of yellow “Police” tape flying about, from the remaining limb. Oh dear. Not that anybody (in their proper mind) would have expected him to finish the job. I suppose I should be grateful (FUKDAT) that he actually DID anything about it. Hell! Leave it! Let the other idiots STOP using the drive as their “by-pass”! What's to come should prove some-what interesting... but only “some-what”. I don't actually use the drive-way anyway so... - Other-wise... I'll be with Yonah again, tonight. We're supposed to drop to 8° over-night... His radiator is on, so too, the one in the living-room. The house is SURPRISINGLY WARM and comfy! I'm wondering if taping all those holes and spaces isn't helping to a point. There's always been an intermittent “breeze” that suddenly comes along as I sit in the kitchen. I've never been able to ascertain where it comes from, but, I'm sure I'll find out something now... holes and spaces sealed. Another “hopeful” is that, with “that one” next door this year, I doubt she'll let HER place get too cold at any time, so, the “common walls” won't be getting as cold as, say, least year when Julius was over there. - OK. Right now, typing is difficult at best... time for a “QI” and off to bed. I just can't type tonight. - 22.17 GIVING UP THE SHIP... OFF TO FUTON... for another night of wondering about proper sleep.
Sat.11.Sep: *9/11*
(On Sun.12.Sep: 12.12 because it was such “'another one of those days” and my fingers were still sore and, well... it was... “THAT” day and I was tired, exhausted and generally, I have to note, a day where my brain just seemed so “burdened”, and literally “weighted” to the point where, at times, I was wondering if there isn't something organically wrong “up there”. But I survived, obviously, though I still can't really understand “how”. At those “moments” when the brain just refuses to allow “concentration”, I do become “concerned” about “old age” and I wonder what's rotting-away in my skull. Then again... I do understand and am aware of the fact that, even unconsciously, I'm probably pondering other “illnesses”... and, well, honestly, I worry... but “worry” ONLY about being able to give Yonah ALL the time he'll ever need... I WILL be here for him... ALWAYS.)
So, from the notes I managed to jot along the day...
Had a bit of a cry and disgust for the “anniversary”. In fact, I had a few of them... actual moments of tears and crying and a bit of “pain”, as I watched the utter disgusting hypocrisy of people pretending that they're “so moved” today. I have to admit, I got on social media and let loose too... with a small “tirade” against them. What prompted it was a post from somebody on “Twatters” who voiced “the WTC wasn't the WORLD'S horror, it was NYC's horror”, so I posted MY opinion as well. No, it WASN'T everybody else's trauma. And if they weren't there, they're just a bunch of “sympathy-seekers”, playing the “victim-hood” nonsense. I'm sure I offended, but, I don't really have any shits or fucks to give about them anymore and no patience either. Obviously. I actually had a close “open sob” on the front porch when I remembered that guy in the Wall Street post office (when I was number 1310) when, at last, I was able to get my mail, had to go to the window. It was such a relief to see him, a familiar face in a place where so many “faces” would never be seen again. “It's good to see you.” I'd said to him. And, with welling tears he replied “It's good to see you too, sir.” I don't believe the pain of that will EVER go away. - *** AND, ON THE NEWS, THERE WAS A GUY SPEAKING ABOUT ALL SORTS OF SERVICES THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE STILL ENTITLED TO... *** INCLUDING THE TOURISTS AND VISITORS AND ALL OF THE, WHAT THEY CALL “NON-RESPONDERS”... THE SHOP CLERKS AND SUCH... WHICH CERTAINLY WOULD INCLUDE ME, THAT A SHOCKING PERCENTAGE AREN'T AWARE OF AND WHO HAVEN'T AVAILED THEMSELVES TO!!! Ah, but there's no use any more. I tried, was told “too late” or “not applicable”. And I remember Nancy Hudson, and all the paper-work I'd done for her. Packets and parcels of documentation... only to be rejected as well... And people wonder why I'm so fucking fed-up with all the bull-shit. Oh well... Just as long as I out-live Yonah... I don't give a shit any more... really. - And I thought too, today, of sister, claiming that she was so “worried” that I'd died that day... only to fuck me over 2 years later. Ah... the fucking liars. But “Life” attends... and I'm here... Yonah and I are here... and the rest of them aren't. And that's what truly matters in ALL of this nonsense called “Creation”. They're not here... I'm not supporting an ungrateful, un-deserving sibling and her off-spring. I've got my little bundle of feathers and LOVE today. My HEART, SOUL, BREATH and BEING. I'm BLESSED. There's nothing more to think about. - And I was a warm day, surprisingly. I turned the radiator in the living-room off and managed to open the front door. Though I did leave the radiator in Yonah's room on... just in case. - It DID get “chilly last night, but WE were QUITE warm in his room... an this morning, the HOUSE was quite comfortable with the two radiators going. I'm noticing that, as long as Yonah's room is warm, the rest of the house seems to be OK. I wonder how/why that is... but I'm not going to “question” it. Just let it be. (Then too... all those “spaces” all over the place that have been sealed this year... that MIGHT help... even if only a bit.) - Today's “Exciting News”... “Marshall” came by at about noon today... to cut down the felled limb and to “trim” the rest of that old maple tree. I was sitting at the kitchen table and Vivian actually came to the front door to tell me “Marshall's going to cut the tree”. Oh gee. Imagine my “honour”! Fucking shit! Come to find out, she'd come over to tell Ms. VTrash but there was nobody at home. The she told me that I ought to let VTrash know and to tell her daughter not to park in the drive. As if... Fuck off! Anyway... so Marshall DID come. And indeed... he was up in the tree and the bottom limbs on “this” side, over the drive, were cut. I stood, watching for a while, remembering “Papa Lester”... and Merriwold Park... Neil Sedaka's house... the smell of the chain saw and the wood... “flash-backs”. Marshall didn't “swing” like Lester, but it was quite the sight to see. And he manged to down quite a bit in relatively short order...
***** OF A PARTICULAR INTEREST... TO ME, WAS/IS THAT, WHILE MARSHALL CUT, ALVIN AND I HAD A CHAT... HE MENTIONED THAT THIS CUTTING MAKES IT SAFER FOR THIS HOUSE ***** IN THE EVENT IT'S EVER SOLD ***** !!!!! WHEN I SAID “I WONDER WHO'D BUY IT.” HE REPLIED THAT HE THINKS ALDEN'S KIDS MIGHT HAVE AN INTEREST IN IT. AH... ***** SELLING THE PLACE? ***** WELL... FOR ONE THING, THERE'S THE “UP-STAIRS” ROTTING AWAY, SO THERE'S A HEFTY FINANCIAL INVESTMENT THERE... IT'S A MISERY REALLY. SO YEAH, PROBABLY THE ONLY IDIOTS WHO'D CONSIDER WOULD BE HIS KIDS. AND THE POST OFFICE... RENT-FREE, AND SURELY OTHERS WON'T TOLERATE THAT SO THAT MIGHT MEAN THE END OF 12964. AND THERE ARE SO MANY LITTLE “SECRETS” WITH THE CELLAR, THE STUDS IN THE WALLS... THE “UNFINISHED WORK” THAT I'VE TAPED... THE WATER/PLUMBING... THE ELECTRICS... AND THEN TOO... IF ANYBODY WOULD BUY THIS PLACE, ESPECIALLY WITH TWO RENTERS AND IT EVER CAME DOWN TO IT... THE STOVE, FRIDGE, LOO BASIN... OH WELL... IT'D BE A BIT OF A PAIN IN THEIR ARSE... ESPECIALLY IF THERE WAS ANY MENTION OF A “RENT INCREASE”. OH! I'D CERTAINLY OPEN A FULL BARRAGE! FIGHT UNTIL I GET A MOVE COVERED, FINANCIALLY, AT LEAST. (AND IF I COULD GET A LAWYER TO FIGHT TO OWN THIS PLACE... I'D TAKE IT... SELL IT... BUY A LITTLE CABIN... AND GET THE FUCK OUT! WHO KNOWS? MAYBE THAT'S WHAT'S IN STORE ANYWAY. SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. ANYWAY AND MEAN-WHILE... ALVIN SAID HE BELIEVES JOHN D. WOULD LIKE TO GET THIS PROPERTY AND I SAID “IF HE GETS THIS AND THEN YOURS....” AND ALVIN *JUMPED TO SAY* “HE'LL NEVER GET HIS HANDS ON MY PLACE!” OH YEAH? YOUR LITTLE Mrs. HAS ALREADY SAID THAT WHEN YOU GO, SHE'S OUT OF HERE. I'M *** SURE *** SHE'D SELL TO THE FIRST ONE ALONG. ME? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT... ONE OF THE NICE BITS ABOUT NOT “OWNING” THIS DUMP. ANYWAY... FUKKIT. IT WAS GOOD TO KNOW... AND IF “LIFE” IS STILL WITH ME... I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD SOMETHING ELSE I NEED TO KNOW AND BE AWARE OF... DULY NOTED AND TO BE KEPT IN THE FORE-FRONT OF THOUGHTS. TO BE SURE.
Meanwhile.. as I say, I've been SO BLOODY TIRED ALL DAY TODAY and I DO wish I knew WHY! Last night wasn't all “THAT” bad... only two “minor” contractions, close together in the timing. And I stayed on Yonah's futon and I believe I slept through after them. But I'm literally “exhausted”! - Spent MOST of the day (when not other-wise distracted) working on Yonah's Journal and added “Moutling” info to the “Nutrition/Care” page. Am working on adding little images of his food mixtures too. (I wonder if I couldn't “parlay”, as they call it, some “corporate support” for his site... HAH!) - And he's still moulting too! His tail is back to the “white” it was in December of last year after that moulting. It's pretty but... I can't wait for his “new coat”... AND I HAVE TO GET HIM TO THE DOCTOR FOR A CHECK-UP... BEFORE NOVEMBER! OCTOBER WILL BE A YEAR! IT'S TIME! JUST TO BE SURE... AND TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH LONGER I'LL NEED TO KEEP MY OWN HEALTH UP. HEY... WHEN HE'S GONE... I'VE NO OTHER PURPOSE OR REASON... - 20.50 Well then... another day... this day... comes to a close... Yonah's tucked-in for the night... PRECIOUS LITTLE GUY! And his futon is set... for me... for in a little while. I just find MORE reasons for NOT going to “my” room... but I don't mind. The futon isn't at all uncomfortable and drifting to sleep and waking in the morning beside him is... well... it's HEAVEN! And it's not as if the bed-room is going “bad” or anything... besides, we'll probably be spending a LOT of time together... come the cold. So... so... - I've taken my “pills” and was listening to music from the 40s on-line this evening as we did the “evening routine”. I needed a “distraction and diversion”. - I'll have to run for smoke tomorrow... SHIT! Maybe I'll stop at Nancy's to finish that fucking fence whilst I'm out. Probably not until the after-noon though... it looks like “rain” in the morning. No prob. AND THEN BACK TO YONAH! (I'm SO FAR BEHIND IN JOURNALS AND I NEED TO RE-DO PAGES IN THE BANQUING LEDGERS! FUCK ME!) - Thankfully, we're back to DOUBLE-DIGIT TEMPERATURES TONIGHT! And it was a “nice day” today too... thankfully, so the house didn't “take the chill”. - Well... a PopTart, some QI and to bed! I'll shower tomorrow night... no sense doing so tonight if I'm going to be “working chez Nance” tomorrow... - Another day... another “9/11”, another year, the memories are still so vivid... and still so painful... and so... I grow older... FUKKIT.
Sun.12.Sep: 9.40 A COMPLETE NIGHT OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT! HOW ODD! - AND I'M SO FAR BEHIND IN ALL THIS JOURNALLING THAT I ALMOST CAN'T BELIEVE IT! (I hope I can recall what goes with the notes for the past... DAYS!) -
Yonah woke me at 6.30 this morning. BUT HE SEEMS TO HAVE SOMETHING IN HIS BEAK, OR MOUTH OR THROAT AND HE'S EATING BUT I'M A WRECK. I DON'T EVER WANT HIM TO EVEN BE “UNCOMFORTABLE”... but... as it truly is: No him... No me. We'll “go together”.
Now... on to what I OUGHT to have been doing all along these past days... journals and book-keeping... Later, if weather and energy permit, a run into town for smokes, perhaps a stop at Nancy's... BUT TIME IN YONAH'S TODAY! THAT'S TANTAMOUNT! - 13.04 FINALLY... CAUGHT-UP WITH THIS JOURNAL AGAIN! I've managed to work on it all morning, with the exception of a 30-minute snooze and a quick few spoons of yoghurt with pills. And the sky is just NOW going grey and I'm on 1,5 smokes and I DO NOT want to leave the house! - Yonah did something to his mouth or beak or something and has been “schmatzing” and shaking his head for about an hour or so! He DID eat something, but I'm worrying. I'm HOPING it was just a feather... since he is still moulting. And he's been in his moss, in the close-corner of his house, beside me. - And it's 25° in his room... not bad out-side. His radiator is on... and will stay on until I'm SURE the temperatures won't plummet... besides... there's rain to come. - Anyway... I suppose now that I'm here on this journal... it's time to roll along... I don't want to! - 19.27 LATE! But catching-up. Sadly, just finished “evening routine” but JUST after FINALLY eating “meal” which was REALLY LATE... ALMOST 18.30! Franks, veggies... ick. BUT... I DID manage to catch-up on the Journals all day... and made some “food graphics” for Yonah's “Nutrition” page... PICTURES! YAY! AND... I scraped the tiles off the aquarium in the garage and it's on the back gallery... waiting to be cleaned (which I'd like to do tonight but... no... there's no sense in staying up that late for something that can be done tomorrow). The “fall-back” and “loss of time”? CHATTING AGAIN, WITH THAT ONE NEXT DOOR. BUT... I KEEP LEARNING MORE ABOUT HER (and learning to dislike and distrust her more). I NEED to move away and out of here! - And Vivian and Alvin have been so sweet all day, with chitty-chatty. And I learnt that yesterday, Alvin destroyed one of VTrash's electric outlets by forcing the plug for his saw and “crushing” it... She says she yelled at him because he just brushed it off. THEN she asked Vivian for a couple of their hydrangeas, and Vivian told her to take as many as she wanted... THEN OFFERED HER SOME FROM CLIFF'S AND WENT OVER THERE TO CUT 3! I told VTrash... “Now you see how it goes... offer you something that belongs to somebody else.” I know she didn't “get it” but... Can't fix stupid. - Anyway... I'm just glad to be caught-up with Journalling and now... before I get tired (again), off to Yonah's journal... and then... to code the new images in. - Oh... Vivian now has a “Yonah biz card”... with phone... She just about folded it after confirming that I made it. Some trash just can never be cleaned... Oh well... - I'm not going to dwell on it. Fuck. - 21.25 WOW... time is just RUSHING past me! I wanted to shower tonight... thought I'd sleep with Yonah... it doesn't seem to be going that way. I've only JUST taken the “night pills” which means up until at least 22.30! And I don't want to wake Yonah... and I've only just caught HIS site up (new images of his foods... with descriptions that are “SEO”... pardon me). But... I do still have to let the pills settle and the franks from “meal” do what-ever... so... we shall see. But right now... I'm off to put THIS “lap-top edition” of THIS journal onto the server. - There are SO many “particulars” on Yonah's journal page for today... so... (a link... since HIS Journal is my “LIFE”...)
and with that... I up-load several days... FINALLY CAUGHT- UP! Tonight I've still got the doors open. Low of 13°. Yonah's radiator is on... so “all”, as far as I'm concerned, is well... it really isn't that chilly in here tonight any-way... yet. - 21.58 JUST got this up-to-date! Fucking trying to change font attributes... FUCK this new HTML! But... it's as done as it's going to be... NOW... QI and shower and BED! Tomorrow? BANQUE RECORDS... WITH YONAH! - 23.30 Yonah's awake... time for me to stop and get to bed!
Mon.13.Sep:11 MONTHS: *** YONAH ***
12.51 Just finished mid-day pills... on a BRILLIANT sunny day... after a morning of “accomplishments”! - Woke, on my own, at about 6.45... Yonah didn't call me! - Last night was ONE some-what painful contraction in the left foot, but I “rolled-over” and as it dissipated, I drifted off... BUT I didn't get to the futon until about 23.00! Night pills were late so everything there-after ran late. And I tried for 2 episodes of QI and Yonah was still awake at about 23.00 so I cut the second episode and went to bed. POOR BABE! I was keeping him awake with MY selfish “TV-watching”! Well? He did me good (AGAIN) or I'd've been up after mid-night! Oh.. no shower. One thing I notice though: the shorter I sleep, the less chance of contractions. “Naps”? Is that my only solution at this point? Well, what-ever. And even though I put my-self in a “forced focus” morning, and managed to get things done, I've been feeling SHITTY, generally... light-headed, breathing with... well... some effort. (That MIGHT be the smokes... I had to get a pack of “regulars” yesterday because Stewart's didn't have the “Blues” and those usually have made things a bit more difficult.) - Anyway... “morning routine” got attended immediately, of course, as coffee was made, I tossed the scrubs and some under-things into the basin for a wash, then got right into the “new page” on the NY book-keeping and “catch-up” with the VT account! I'm a touch surprised, and impressed with me for having gotten this shit done. AND with a brain so “fogged”. “Tenacity”... as Penelope used to say. - Now? On with... more stuff! (It would be a perfect moment to get to Nancy but I didn't see her pass this morning and I'm just not in the mood to get there with nobody home since she has all the necessary parts... and, to be honest, I'm not in the mood for it anyway, though it would be perfect... a day in the sun.) - OH! OH! OH! And as I worked at the table this morning... YONAH TOOK A SPLASH! AND I, OF COURSE... HAVE LITTLE VIDEOS... WHICH HAVE TO BE ADDED TO HIS SITE. - OK... 13.03... WHERE THE FUCK DID THE TIME GO THIS MORNING? Time to move along. - 16.19 And “move along” I DID! AND WHAT A FUCK! I started the cleaning of that YUGE aquarium on the back gallery, with WD40 to remove the gunk (and it worked BEAUTIFULLY, I must to add), and then, with bucket of HOT water (of which I am now COMPLETELY-THE-FUCK-OUT) and dish detergent and Lysol, I washed it as best I could. AH... THEN came the REAL FUCK... I dragged it into the loo to put it in the shower and... HAD TO PUT IT ON THE FUCKING TOILET IN ORDER TO CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR IN ORDER TO GET IT INTO THE FUCKING SHOWER STALL IN WHICH IT ONLY JUST BARELY FIT !!! THE BLOODY LOO IS TRULY JUST THAT BLOODY SMALL !!! I BLOODY-FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT-HOLE SO MUCH WITH EVERYTHING I DO IN HERE !!! Well, OK, it got washed... as much as I possibly could, by using a FUNNEL over the shower-head to direct the water. Then, dried it as much as possible and then HAD TO PULL IT OUT OF THE SHOWER, PLACE IT ON THE TOILET TO CLOSE THE LOO DOOR IN ORDER TO TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHOWER AND THE LOO! Got it to the kitchen where I cleaned it further with Windex and it's now under the Southern plant-table in the living-room... I truly don't know what to do with it BUT... I'll be damned if it would sit in the garage and get busted! (I'm pondering a “Crgslst” sale... It's got to be worth about 100$ or so.) Anyway... THAT'S DONE !!! AND THAT rolled into replacing the “roses” on the front of the house with the “Autumnal wreath” which lead to taking the front humming-bird feeder down, washing it, re-filling it and putting IT on the back gallery (where, as I was cleaning the aquarium, ONE little lone humming-bird came SO CLOSE to me, but didn't stop to eat... and now I wonder: Did he come to say “Good bye”? My heart... I tellya) and took the “decorative” one down, and cleaned that out for the end-of-season. And I'm JUST getting done! - WHAT A DAY! - Now... 16.28, time to prep a “meal”... which will, it seems, be noodles and veggies. - OH! At “lunch” Yonah and I had eggs... I “hahdberld” 4. There are 2 in thee fridge and 2 left in the carton for what-ever... - One day, soon, I'll have to bake more bread because I gave VTrash a loaf... which she's never mentioned since so it probably got tossed? Oh well... My stupidity. - Anyway... my back is “out” a touch... wearing the brace, and feeling a bit “drained”. But feeling “good” for having put the day to work. (As if it really makes any matter to anybody... But it does to me and that's what counts. - One thing I WILL say: IF THAT FUCKING WATER HEATER HOLDS 30 GALLONS... I WEIGH-IN AT 1500KG! FUCK! (I'M SO FED-UP WITH THE BULL-SHIT THAT IS THIS PLACE !)
Poor Yonah though... By himself ALL after-noon... But we WERE TOGETHER ALL THE MORNING. AND...
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ***** *****
OH! I HAVE REASON (HAVING WATCHED SOME VIDEOS ON THE LIFE OF A MOURNING DOVE... FROM EGG TO FLEDGE) TO BELIEVE THAT YONAH WAS BORN SOME TIME ROUND THE LAST WEEK OF... AUGUST !!! SO AT ABOUT “MY BIRTHDAY” IS *** HIS *** !!!!! SO NOW I *** REALLY *** WONDER WHY HE CAME WHEN HE DID !!! WHO/WHAT SENT HIM ? I DO *** NOT *** LIKE OR APPRECIATE THE CIRCUMSTANCES, THAT HE HAD TO SUFFER... BUT THIS IS TRULY QUITE “STRANGE”. AND TO LEARN ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF HIS “ARRIVAL”... 11 MONTHS... IT SETS MY “WORLD... OFF” A TOUCH !!! BUT I'M AGAIN, IN AWE !!!
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ***** *****
16.35 Now to almost literally THROW something together to eat. And then? It will be then. - 19.31 The sun's gone. Music of the 1940s playing on the lap-top (I suppose it's no different from having it on a “radio” station on the phone so... and it's quite nice.) - “Meal” was “Italian Blend” and noodles... and 2 PopTarts after. (There's a bit of vanilla ice cream in the freeze but I'll have that with night pills.) - And Yonah's room is Hoovered (and the rest of the house as well but...). Waters and kitchen roll changed... AND WE HAD A FEW MOMENTS AT THE BACK DOOR AGAIN THIS EVENING. BUT TONIGHT, I'VE HAD SOME “REVELATIONS” ABOUT DEAR YONAH. I'm going to put them here, from HIS Journal:
The time is 19.06 and I'm sitting at the kitchen table... with Yonah... on my left shoulder! About 20 minutes ago, after I'd changed the waters and kitchen roll, we took a “stroll” round the house and to the back door. Tonight, it struck me: When I'd taken him in, he'd only been in the back yard, out in the “wild” for just under only two months! He was a “baby”! It's no wonder, now, that his room is his “world” and he's comfortable in there. And it now makes sense why he always seems to have no interest in anything out-side the door. That's really not his “home”... his house and his room are his “home”. That's what's the most familiar to him. AND, tonight, it makes more sense that we've “bonded”. He really hasn't “known” any other doves! I'm, pretty much, his one and only “Companion”. I'm literally... “his flock”! WOW!
And I think of the readings that claim the “average life-span” of a mourning dove is only 5 years. Well, I really have no choice now, but to take most excellent care of me... Yonah and I have a good 4 years ahead... if not longer. (Once upon a time, I dreaded another 4 months. Tonight... if it could be Yonah and I, I'd gladly accept another 40... years. I know that's pretty impossible, for both of us, but, indeed, these past 11 months have been “AWE-FULL”, every day of each one. I could easily handle 40 years with him.) It's a bit bitter-sweet though, to think, he only gets about 5 years. BUT... I'll make them the GREATEST 5 years... safe, healthy, comfortable, protected... and he'll NEVER be with-out LOVE!
Well, we had our few moments together in the kitchen, and Yonah tried the back of the chair for a while... but, the sun's set, and today is now “tonight”... and Yonah Taube? Well, he's tucked-in, safe and sound, in his house. Tonight's “threat” is 10°, but his radiator is on.
It also occurred to me this evening: He's never been in a “Winter”! His only “experience” of snow is seeing it through his windows! He's never had to fend against actual “cold”. Well... as long as we're here, and I have breath, I'll make sure he NEVER HAS to fend against cold. And he'll never have to scratch through snow for food. And he'll never have to look for water. That's my guy, my “Babe”, my “Mr. Babe”... my HEART-BEAT, my next breath, my SOUL... That's my “LIFE”... literally.
There's really nothing more to say... Yes, he IS my LIFE... and, it would appear, I'm his as well! WELL! THIS has certainly been QUITE the day! - Well then now then... I need to take the flag in and get Journals up-dated, images where they belong... then a QI with night pills, AND A SHOWER! (The off to the futon... again. HEY! Tonight's “excuse”... IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY! I LOVE THAT LITTLE GUY WITH ALL THAT I AM, WAS AND EVER WILL BE! WHAT A GUY! - 20.23 Coding for Yonah's photos and Journal are done... I'm loading this to the server as well... CAUGHT-UP! I CAN'T IMAGINE! AND THEN... PILLS HAVE BEEN TAKEN, QI WHILST THEY SETTLE, SHOWER AND BED! (And HOPE for a FULL NIGHT OF RESTFUL SLEEP! 10° tonight... Yonah's radiator is on, his door is closed... poor Babe... to keep the light and sound out... And I'm tired enough... showering is going to be an effort... but it's quite rather necessary... to be sure.) And 40s music all the while. - 21.57 OFF TO THE SHOWER AND TO FUTON! INDEED... THIS DAY IS CLOSED!
Tue.14.Sep: 19.24 Imagine... the entire day has gone by and I've not stopped since I woke at about 6.30... well... woke at about 6.00 but didn't drag me off the futon until about 6.30. And I could have stayed there longer... I was comfy AND I'd gotten “into bed” by 22.45, head on the pillows and the next thing I knew... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! (I shouldn't say because I'll pay for it tonight but...) - And as for the day? Well... with the exception of a run to the skip, Stewarts for smokes and market for... most ice cream but some other small items, IN THE HOUSE with YONAH... ALL DAY! Yes, yes, YES! I worked on putting images on his Journal pages! I've wanted some on there all along, to break the monotony of all text. As it turned-out, I managed to get Oct., Nov., and Dec. of 2020 done! AND, I put in images of the “skeletal” system on the “Medical”... the “digestive/reproductive” system on “Nutrition” (primarily to show the “crop” so that folks can better understand it... I mean, I knew what it was, but was never sure where it is and such, so now, others can know better too... as do I). And I'm just in from sorting through the limbs out back and found one that might suffice. Yonah and I had another stroll about the house this evening and I DO want to have SOMETHING for him to “roost” on in the living-room and kitchen (if possible). The maple isn't the perfect tree for this but it's pretty good. Tomorrow I'll look for more and better. - Other than that, really, nothing else happened all day. Isn't that wonderful? I'll say it is. - Up and about at 6.30... off on the road at 14.30... “meal” at 17.00 (pasta, sauce, cheese, veggies, ice cream). A day. - One item of “concern”: I looked at the exhaust on the truck this after-noon... it's CHEESY, as one might call it. I can see “day-light” in the rusty part which is the part that wasn't “covered” with all the other shit. AND the last thing I'd put on... WITH FUCKING WIRE... is coming off! SO... I HOPE Mindy doesn't come along and say “Let's meet in Albany” any time before the next cheque arrives. (I'm down to about 50 on BOTH accounts and that has to last for... another... almost 3 weeks. Thankfully, I can “patch” the exhaust, if it doesn't get any worse too soon. Still... OH... THIS is going to be SO TIGHT! But it's as I'm aware: I've gone through MUCH worse, next month's rent will be paid... and that's MORE than my YEARS of absolutely NOTHING. Yonah is housed and fed and protected. As long as I do that, I don't care about the rest. And as for the weather... it's supposed to be pretty “OK” for at least the next 7-10 days... and he has a radiator, and that bill won't come due until next month. And he's got LOTS of food and plenty of water and kitchen roll... we'll be fine. - So now, I'm off to bring his Journal up to-date, take my night pills, watch a “QI” and try to get to futon (yes... again... I actually NEED to be with him over-night now... He's being SO CLOSE to me... No wonder: if he was only but about 2 months old when he came in... well... we're going for a year together... we are each-other's family... flock.) Anyway... I'm going to try for a 22.00 or 22.30 “seepie-time”. He's already tucked-in. - It's been a GREAT day! Warm, sunny... tomorrow's forecast... “orages”. We shall see... when we have to face that. Me? I've got MORE to do with Yonah's Journal anyway. AND NO reason to leave the house! YAY! - 22.20. I'm DONE!
Wed.15.Sep: 4.07 Yes... that's correct... 4.07. Sad, really... At 22.20 last night, I turned the lap-top off, brushed my teeth, got into my scrubs and went directly to futon where I fell right to sleep. But about 20 minutes ago, I woke, needing a pee. I noticed that a pillow had fallen to the floor and reached to get it and... YONAH MUST HAVE SEEN THE MOTION AND PANICKED! FLUTTERING OF WINGS IN HIS HOUSE! I got up, with the little light, to check on him and he was almost cowering in the right-hand, front corner, in is little pine! I spoke to him, checked for injuries and, thus far, THANKFULLY, there are none. But, I was so taken and hurt by it all that, well, I felt it best to leave him alone, to calm down and hopefully, get back to some sleep. Now I wonder if he actually does sleep through the night or is he awake, on and off, through a night. Did he, some-how sense the motion of the pillow, or was he awake already? Do doves “snooze” through a night? Was he actually awake at the moment? What-ever it was or is, it frightened him. So now he's in his house, in his room. The light is off and the door is closed. And I'm having coffee. - I'd stepped out for a smoke and it's WARM out there! I see 21°! and at 8.00, it'll drop to 19°, a storm, and then come back up to 21° for the day... with rain! A VERY WARM next few days to come too! (And I was just thinking about oil, and how to afford it... soon. First “flocons”, they say, are coming mid-October... and there's NO way I can afford oil even then. Ah... the responsibilities of “housing”. I'm “living a normal life” with “normal costs”... oil, housing... the truck. Of course, this is a difficult period too, with the inflation on EVERYTHING... even yesterday, looking at food! And general shopping... I keep thinking of that banker's chair I'd wanted... wouldn't buy it at 104$ a year ago... they're 220$ now... FUCK! Oh... but now that I really can't afford it, the 90$ porch rockers at the market are 30$. Probably the ones that were left out as display. But, I seriously can't afford THAT right now either... honestly, I can't. no matter how I try to muck with figures. Oh well.. We'll manage...) - OK. So I'm up and about... I'm going to work with photos on Yonah's Journal. I can always “snooze” during the day if/when need be. And it's not so bad, being up at this hour... I'm going to open the back door though. It's quite WARM in the house... thankfully. - 12.44 What a fucking delight: VTrash's scum-dump spore comes rolling in just moments ago, parks in the drive, then moves, probably to the garage... and now... in today's warmth and humidity, I have to close the back door, put the box fan on blowing out of Yonah's window... smoke in the house. And this is NOT a particularly “good” day for this bull-shit. Yes, I've had a 45-minute “nap” at about 8.00. I'm not “burning exhausted”. And yes, Yonah IS seeing a bit better and closer to “normal”, but he DID break another one of those “odd wing feathers” this morning. But... I'm genuinely sick of the bull-shit, the inconsideration, the disrespect. - Meanwhile, I'm working on more photos on Yonah's Journal, am on April now, have had my “pills”, and there's a storm coming soon... so I'm leaving the kitchen and returning to Yonah's room. - At this rate, I'll have to bring in the fan, close the door to his room... Living like some kind of prisoner. Ah... one of these days... I've always managed to leave a place as good as or better than... Not with this place... they can all go straight and directly to HELL! - 19.49 The sun has set, the house is in order... Yom Kippur has commenced. Me? I ate too much too quickly tonight. “Fast”? Well... for the most part. I MUST take the “pills” and with them, eat a little something. So I shall. But it WILL be a day of “At-One-Ment” in any event. - As for the day's entry? The best I can do is simply “copy-paste” the entry in Yonah's Journal for today because, well, the day has been ALL about Yonah... (Other than, of course, Ms. VTrash who returned, her spore dropped her at the back door and left... thankfully... so I could stop the fan and open the door again. Probably just a doctor appointment.) - Anyway... here's today's IMPORTANT entry... and after this? It's already time for the 20.00 pills... one “QI”, I might have a brief shower but... tonight, as I've said in Yonah's entry... I'll be off to my bed... I almost dread it, but I AM tired tonight... MAYBE I'll get some sleep. (I'm not counting on it but...) It's going to be an “empty” night... to be sure... I'll “apply it to my Yom Kippur”...:
Well... at the end of the day, it was a gut-wrenching start. Yonah “woke” at his usual 6.30, with a usual “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo” and I JUMPED to get it to see him! There he was, on his perch, appearing to be as he is in a morning. I checked through his house for ANY signs of bleeding... there were none. But he DID drop one of his “odd”, black, wing-feathers that he gets from time-to-time, on that “injured” edge of hi left wing. I doubt that will ever stop. What-ever caused his original injuries got him, and left a mark. Now, I understand “Nature”, and that Yonah is a rare situation where I was able to rescue him before he was either completely destroyed or “devoured”... alive. I understand that, in order for others to survive, something, no matter what, animal, plant, has to perish. But the constant reminder of his injuries, the trauma that he suffered, only to go on to trust me, and become such a kind, LOVING little one... tears my heart to shreds. It always will. And that one feather, with the bloody quill when it breaks off is my personal Hell. But thankfully, that was the only “injury”, other than his shock and what-ever he experienced as he flew, frantically about his house in the dark this morning.
And yes, I feel guilt, even though my action was innocent, and I had no idea that he'd see the activity as I lifted that pillow from the floor.
I changed the water in his pool and drinking bowl, changed the kitchen roll and replaced his food with fresh, as is the “morning routine”, and he rested on his little corner “loft platform”, watching, as he does.
But for a couple of hours, I could SEE him breathing, steadily and some-what heavily and some-what rapidly. And with each “exhale”, he gave a little “hoo”... He's done that before... but not in the longest while. It's when he's upset. And I couldn't figure out what caused it this morning, because, other than that, he appeared to be fine.
I was in a bit of a panic, wondering what caused his distress, and, seeing him breathing so, I was horrified that he'd be on the verge of a heart-attack! Heart-attacks are amongst the most common causes of death to birds! So as I've always done, because there's nobody to call for advice or information, I scoured the internet for the hours he “hoo'ed”! NOTHING! AGAIN... NOTHING! And searching the internet for concrete, absolute information directly related to a question is, for the most part, aggravating. “Search engines” re-word searches, present “links” that have almost no resemblance to the question posted, it was drivel and nonsense and lists of rubbish!
The only thing I could think to do was what I've done for Yonah in the past when he was “spooked” by something: I went, sat beside him and talked, softly, calmly, and reached to touch him, to stroke him. I put my face next to him... AND HE PECKED AT MY FACE... IN HIS USUAL WAY: AS IF “PREENING” ME OR... GIVING LITTLE “KISSES” !!! Well... IT SEEMS IT WORKED! He DID calm, the “hoo's” stopped and his breathing slowed to “normal”! So I spoke a little while longer, and, I put on his “Play-list” of “bird-songs”, softly, and leaving the door to his room open, I stepped out into the next room where I could hear him, and could go back in immediately, if/when needed.
He was OK! I still don't know what caused his anxiety this morning, but he was OK... for the rest of the day!
Later, I brought the lap-top in to his room, and for the rest of the day, I worked on his Journal pages, inserting photos, as I've started doing. We listened to the bird recordings, we spoke AND, AT ABOUT 10.00, HE CAME TO HIS DOOR AND GAVE A “WING-SNAP”!!! HE WANTED ATTENTION! HE WAS FINE! (And, to be brutally honest... I was too... at last!)
So we spent the entire, rainy day together today. I worked at the table, he flew about his room. We took “play breaks” as we do. And this evening, he rode on my shoulder as I changed the water in his pool. AND HE ATE VERY WELL DURING THE DAY! THAT, IN AN OF ITSELF, WAS A GREAT RELIEF TO SEE!
This evening, I did the “evening routine” well-before the room went dark, and set his house in order for the night, with his “back-board” and little “half-board” on his roof up. We had “cuddles” and “kisses”. I closed the door to his house, as I do every night. (This morning is an exquisite example as to “why”... had his door been open, he could have flown out, into the room, perhaps tried to make it through the house, in the darkness! Doves don't see well in the dark. Yonah showed me that last evening when we were walking about the house and, as I approached his room, it was considerably darker in there... he wouldn't leave my shoulder until I turned a light on and he could see his way clearly back to his house. Now, if he'd flown, in a panic, out, this morning, I don't even want to think about the potential injuries... collisions... door-frames, walls, windows, furniture... ANYTHING!) So he was “tucked-in” for the night. The forecast is for rain and 13° tonight, so his radiator is on... his door is closed to block the lights from the rest of the house and any noise I might make.
Tonight, for the first time in what feels like a small eternity, I won't be sleeping on his futon. I'll be in my own room, next-door to his. I just don't want to “risk” getting up to go to the loo, sneezing, coughing, snoring and certainly NOT reaching for pillows... in the dark. We'll see how he responds/reacts to having HIS room and HIS house to “HIS-self” again. It's going to be a bit hard on me, to be sure, but weighing the situation with care, concern and LOVE... I'd rather err on the side of him being calm through the night. (Of course, if he “calls”... I'll be right there. I can hear him... even when I sleep.)
Meanwhile, photos up to June of 2021 are added to his Journal pages. I'll work a little more on the rest before bed. And tomorrow? WE HAVE NOTHING ON ANY AGENDA... EXCEPT BEING TOGETHER AGAIN! SO... for now, I'll just HOPE he gets a perfect night's sleep. He has fresh water and food, his house is in order and clean. He'll be warm and protected against the chill and damp out-side... and THOSE are the most important things, other than his GOOD HEALTH and WELL-BEING, to me... Other than Yonah... nothing else matters. (And it's been fun, going through all the photos again... and remembering all the “firsts”... flight, bath... and remembering that the ONLY reason I'm here today, this evening, is... because of him.)
There... done... and it's just 19.55... imagine that! So off I go to close the day. - 21.47 Computer down. Brush teeth. Lights out. Too tired to shower. Off to bed... “Bed”... this is my “repentance”... not a night with my most CHERISHED COMPANION. (Give him a night of proper rest... in the warmth of his own room. My LOVE!)
Thu.16.Sep: 7.19 Well... they lied again... it's 9° out there now... it was supposed to drop to only 13°. Fine. At least the house is (FINALLY! A little “woo-HOO” from Yonah, who's been silent until now. Though “morning routine” is complete.) is warm... or I have fever. I DO have “rocks in the chest” but... so much for that. - Yom Kippur... (I've had coffee and a smoke.) And last night, before bed, and I did sleep (through the night, save two loo trips) I asked: “What have I done over the past year (and now he's up and on the shelf) that I should 'repent'?” Honestly? I've not struck any-one, though I would have, very much liked to. I've not torched any-one's home. Nor have I caused injury or inconvenience. I've not murdered. And if I've disrespected, well, it wasn't simply for the sake there-of. WHAT, then, have I done? But, I'll do my best, as it were, to remember this day (not that I could forget it), and... time, and “life” will go on... as it does. - Mean-while, back to our regularly-scheduled programme... already in progress. - Let's see what it throws at us... today. Eh? - (12.36 Horrific news: NYSEG is playing with the street light. My stomach just wrenched and is churning... Our beautiful, dark nights are about to end. FUCK! Here we go! Let the battle begin! WAR! Yeah... it looks like the guy's just going to replace the now-missing fixture with the same shit that was there before. I'm physically sick to my stomach thinking of how this house is going to be “illuminated” tonight... The sky is perfectly clear today, the sun is brilliant... the house is brilliant... and tonight, in 12 hours... at mid-night... it'll be the same way... BUT... I've taken a photo of the bed-room just now and will take another tonight and with that... well... I'll have to work on the truck-exhaust to make sure it doesn't break, and then... OFF TO THE OFFICES of Supervisors and Clerks and other assorted shits! And this time, I'll have photos to send off to the proper authorities... from the “Adirondack Councils” to ... the Federal Government! My head's floating... my blood pressure must be plastered against the ceiling. Oh... I fucking HATE this... and of all days... on Yom Kippur. Maybe it's punishment for coffee, smokes and the 2 eggs I had with after-noon pills... FUCK FUCK FUCK! and BLOODY-FUCKING-FUCK!) - 12.58 Let me get to a bit of today's notes here... Right after the little “call” from Yonah, I moved the lap-top into his room and got right to work, finishing the coding to add photos to his Journal and, as of right now, ALL but September are done! AND, I put a photo of him on his “Home” page as well! There's more “colour” to the pages AND the “Home” page looks a bit more “personal” and “friendly” with the photo there. AND... I happened to notice a “typo” on his April Journal page! So THAT got corrected today as well! It's been a morning... a CLEAR, BRILLIANTLY BRIGHT morning, of focused work and the results are SUPER! (Although, something seems to “off” with the internet today... loading the pages to the server and the “display” of the pages has been SLOW! When I checked on-line, the little “thumb-nails” on the Journal pages, were “loading” quite similar to the “old, dial-up” days. I wonder what's going on. And this morning, I couldn't get into my e-mails... though, there was a message saying “they” were “working on it”.) Oh well... I shouldn't be on a lap-top anyway today(?)... and as my “punishment”... the old street-light will be BLARING into the house tonight. Alas. - Well... back to work here... there's September to get to and after that... working on the Yonah's “Video” page... it's getting large and will have to be “separated” some-how... THEN... *THE* PROJECT: And “INDEX” of terms... like a “site-map”, with direct links to information on the site! THAT should take me through the Winter... - (I want a snooze now... this “street-light bull-shit” has drained me!) -
14.58 I AM BEING HAMMERED FOR THIS DAY! IF I'M TO MAKE AMENDS, REPENT OR WHAT-THE-FUCK EVER... I'M DOING IT THIS AFTER-NOON! AND MY CHEST, LEFT SIDE, IS ADDING TO IT ALL. MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE. MY INSIDES ARE TINGLING. I JUST FINISHED PUTTING THE NEW PHOTOS ON YONAH'S SITE, CODED ALL THE PAGES AND AS I WENT TO UP-LOAD... *LIVE* PAGES WENT MISSING, PAGES WOULDN'T TRANSFER, THE IMAGES ARE *ALL* DOWN-LOADING AT THE RATE OF THE OLD DIAL-UP SERVICE... EVEN AT 5G! MAYOR McFUKNUT WAS OUT SAWING (AFTER HE'D NOTICED THAT I'D PULLED THE LIMBS-SHIT AWAY FROM MY BACK WALK-WAY THIS MORNING AND TOSSED THEM WHERE IT WAS MOST CONVENIENT TO ME WHICH MEANT SOME WHEN SLIGHTLY INTO THE DRIVE... FUCK THESE SHIT-SACKS HERE!). THEN FOR “SCHMOOZIES” WITH Ms. VTrash. BUT IT WAS THE “DROPPED” PAGES... THE INABILITY TO UP-LOAD... THIS HAS BEEN A FUCKED DAY! AND I WAS PONDERING, BECAUSE OF NERVES AND WEATHER, GOING TO NANCY'S TO FINALLY FINISH THAT FUCKING FENCE BUT... I WILL *NOT* LEAVE YONAH HERE ALONE BECAUSE *I* NEED AN ESCAPE! AND, AT THE RATE THE UP-LOADS WENT... I DON'T BELIEVE TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO FUCK ABOUT WITH ELECTRICS... ESPECIALLY AT SOMEBODY ELSE'S HOUSE! YEAH... I'M “MAKING AMENDS” AND ABOUT TO THROW A STROKE!
I DID try for that quick snooze but laid on Yonah's futon and my mind just REELED with the street light, the muffler and exhaust on the truck... Nancy's work... GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! The 20-minutes were actually about 5. But, jut enough for now. - HEY! Yonah and I took a stroll because he came to his door when I got up... to change the water in his pool... not sure why, but there was a bit of “foam” in it... as if he'd bathed. And we went to the bed-room where the sun is pouring in through the windows now... and tonight... the fucking street-light will be pouring in. And whilst there, Yonah took off... for the living-room where he sat on the North-window plant table whilst I worked on the water change and the new pages. AND... as I was working... HE CAME BACK INTO HIS ROOM! SO HE KNOWS THE HOUSE! WOOHOO! (Just in time to move to a “new” one. FUCK THESE SHIT-BAGS!) - Oh well... I need to put photos onto Yonah's September Journal page and I'll be caught-up. The text is current... (then I'll have to get to this, my Journal... oh well). - And Ms. VTrash is slapping her screen door. At least McFuknut's stopped with the sawing... for a while? What-ever! I'm physically sick to my stomach... but at least Yonah's eating! - 16.41 HURRAY! DONE! *ALL* OF YONAH'S JOURNAL PAGES AND PHOTO PAGES ARE CURRENT TO-DATE! FILES WENT MISSING, ON THE LAP-TOP AND THE SERVER! I WAS ALMOST READY TO VOMIT (LITERALLY) A COUPLE OF TIMES! BUT GOT THEM ALL BACK TOGETHER... EVEN THIS MORNING'S PHOTO IS ON-LINE! - (Hey... I'll be “paying for my sins” when the sun goes down and the house is FLOODED with BLOODY-FUCKING BLUE-WHITE LIGHT ALL NIGHT! I've already begun a NASTY next note... which I'll print and hand-in, in person... ASAP! I just have to figure how to make “bandages” for the truck's exhaust... with all of about 25$ to my name... and 2,5 weeks to “live” on it... fuck me.) - Not to mention how my stomach isn't well at all... thinking of next week's “MD” appointment, and the NEED to get Yonah to a doctor... AND HIS BEAK NEEDS A “FILE” ... IT'S GROWING BACK AGAIN AND I'M TERRIFIED OF CLIPPING IT! - We shall survive... WE SHALL! - Well... I don't want to start actually “eating” until 19.00 but... it's 16.46 and I don't want to be “having meal” at 19.00, taking the night pills then with all that food and then (hopefully) getting to bed an hour later. I'm going to hit the kitchen and see how it all rolls... I'll be “later” anyway. And I believe it's “shark steak” tonight... (I know... NOT Kosher... but it's food and it isn't pasta... THAT was TWO nights in a row!) - 21.02 I've taken photos of the fuk-light in the bed-room to be printed on the letter to be sent to “Adirondack” groups and “government” from local to federal. Oddly, some-how this one doesn't seem as “harsh” as the previous one. It's still TOO BRIGHT for comfort and it IS DIRECTED AT THE HOUSE! BUT... MOST IMPORTANT... IT ISN'T VERY BRIGHT IN YONAH'S ROOM. IT'S THERE, BUT NOT THAT “EYE-PIERCING BRIGHT” THAT IT IS IN MY BED-ROOM. Well... there's a letter, quite composed... addressed to local government, Adirondack groups and Congress. I'm NOT “playing fair”... I'm just sending it and letting the pieces ( and hopefully some heads and arses ) fall where they may. I was reading articles on this LED bull-shit and came across a fascinating and worrying article by the “AMA”. Even THEY are against these things. Seems they damage the eyes, the circadian clock, interfere with melatonin production, interfere with animals' migration and feeding... this is NOT good... and all in the name of “energy efficiency”. SURE! FUCK PEOPLE AND ANIMALS AND GIVE YOUR FAT, USELESS ARSE A PAY RISE! FUCK THAT SHIT! NOT WITH-OUT A BATTLE... AND I'M NOT SIMPLY “BATTLING”... I'M AT “WAR”!!! It isn't just bugging ME... it's YONAH! AND THAT necessitates... Blood-letting! So LET IT RIP! WE SHALL SEE! AND I DON'T CARE WHO OR WHAT IS DESTROYED... ON THE “OTHER SIDE”. THESE ARE NOT “KIND AND FRIENDLY” DAYS! - IN OTHER NEWS du jour... YAY! Yonah's site from the server is backed-up. But... Oops... not enough on the 500G SeaGate for another full back-up. The site is large (photos). Will have to “clean” another drive or the 500G... Something for tomorrow's “agenda”. But at least I have HIS FULL site backed-up... it's on the server, the lap-top and the Seagate. WOOHOO! - 23.02 Off to the Bright Lights of Broadway... fuck me. (I intended to shower... I'm TOO FUCKING TIRED! And I'm pissed-off... with all the light in the bed-room. “Sleep” tonight, will be interesting... if at all. But I'm just exhausted... hopefully... enough. FUCK THIS SHIT! I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! I'm SICK... THIS was supposed to be my “last-ever move” in life! OH... THE “Blood-letting”!!!)
Fri.17.Sep: 7.31 Surprisingly, I managed to get to “sleep” almost immediately and no loo trips last night! I've a feeling this light fixture is just less bright than the one they had in there but it's STILL AIMED DIRECTLY AT THE HOUSE SO THE LETTERS WILL FLY! - “Morning routine” is done. I heard the 2 alarms and then, at about 6.45... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo” and that's when I actually got up and out of the bed and “rolled”. - Yonah's room doesn't get the BLAST of light and his house IS protected with the back-boards. I'm some-what “calm” about that. And I noticed the “full light” doesn't pass along the house to the VTrash living-room so... no doubt, there's “talk” about me and being a curmudgeon or something of the sort. Fukkem! I've posted my “want” on the Crgslst again. Let's see what comes of it. (Not, mind, that I can afford it... this morning, I'm tossing how to get smokes and fix the truck... and it's only mid-month... and oil... and... I'm not well, to be honest, about it all.) - And on that matter, yes, I've gotten up this morning, a bit “away in the head”, a bit “stiff in the ribs” and “foul in the mood”. And it's a bit on the “grey in the skies” but the forecast, I recall, is for “averses”... so we shall see. Too much to ponder of a morn. - Still, as always, we've “been through worse” and there's no sense in or use for whining... toddling on... toddling on... toddling on... Besides... YONAH IS HERE AND... HE'S WARM... AND HE'S SAFE... AND WE HAD SNUGGLES, CUDDLES AND KISSES THIS MORNING! “LIFE” IS WONDERFUL AND THE WORLD CAN GO TO HELL... JUST LEAVE US ALONE! - Amen. - 19.49 That shit-hole next door has been quiet all day and only just now the bull-shit of thump'n'shriek is beginning! My nerves are utterly at end today and I'm in no mood to be “pleasant” at any cost so... this shit had better be cut quite short lest *I* become the one “cutting”. - 19.57 Just in from bringing the flag in and “strolling” to the side of the house... and, indeed, IT'S in there... sitting in the living-room (on the other side of Yonah's wall!), shouting on the phone! Ah... TRASH! Oh, indeed, the incentive to do what-ever it takes to get out of here... - MEAN-WHILE... as for the day... I passed entirely too much of it “snoozing”. I've been SO tired of late! I started working more on Yonah's site, but the 2 or 3 naps just pissed-away too much of the precious little time we have of a day now, as the sun is all but gone by 19.00 (and to think... it won't be much longer and it'll be gone by 17.00!). - I did manage to get SOME ideas started, for “Top of Page” links and an “Index of Terms” for folks to rapidly find pointers and tips and hints and facts. But not NEARLY as much as I ought to have done. - And I DID manage to get to FamDoll for smokes (which won't last me to the 3rd, by ANY means and there's NO money to spare in either account any more... I'm in for a REALLY BAD spate and that too, is playing on my last nerves). - I had to “order” more of that “tape” for the truck exhaust, and whilst at FamDoll, stopped at the NAPA to see if they had any in stock. The guy said “I just ordered 2”... they'll be in tomorrow morning... but tomorrow's Saturday and no, I just won't. So I'll go first thing Monday morning. Monday's SUPPOSED to be sunny and 21°... we can only hope. I ordered 2 because I'm planning on doubling them this time... just to be “some-what sure”. I have until July 2022 to figure out how to get that all repaired... just so long as it holds through WINTER! (HAH! I should be so lucky.) - AND... Mayor McFuknut and the Mrs. cleared their “limbs” from directly out-side the door today... and he was “sawing” at some of it. I wonder if it's because he wants it cleared before they leave for “the first 2 weeks of October” or is TFL (the fucking landlord) due? What-ever. It's done. - Speaking of TFL... I do wonder about Mrs. VTrash's “cracked window”. Mrs. “Hud Will See To It” and “Hud Won't Stand For That”. Fuktard. What-the-fuck-ever. - OK. So the fuck-light is on again and my letter is still on the lap-top. Postage is going to cost me about 7$ to send all the copies out as I have them now. But... they'll get sent as soon as I can... HEY! I just remembered the 9$ on the calendar! Now... I'll have to make some envelopes! WOOHOO! - And speaking of “woo-hoo”... Yonah wasn't in much of a “good” mood today either. Yes, we had “together” moments during the day. But he wasn't “wing-snap” thrilled about any of it. I'm hoping it's the moulting. AND HIS BEAK I GROWING AGAIN! IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE CLIPPED SOON AND I'M TERRIFIED! BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO GET TO WHERE IT WAS BEFORE! At least I have SOME idea where to clip... now to figure out HOW! OH... “Life”! But he's “tucked-in” already and that fuk-light isn't really all too bad in his room. Not at all too good, but not as bad as it is in my bed-room. - Ah... alas... ALL ASS... - I've taken “night pills”... time for a QI. I'd like to FORCE me a shower tonight too. And then... HOPEFULLY TO BED AND SLEEP AND WAKING AT A CIVIL HOUR tomorrow... RESTED! - Well... Journals are up-to the moment... as soon as I put this on the server. Yonah's is already on... Off to that and away with this day! I'm fed-up... - Oh too... I “saged” earlier. I HOPE that works. - 20.26 ALL DONE... Journals to the moment... Now... QI, a nosh, a shower... CLOSE THE DAY! - 22.15 2 QI and now to the shower as the Vtrash thumps and bumps about... bloody filth.
Sat.18.Sep: 15.01 THE HOUSE HAS BEEN CLOSED IN THE BACK ALL BLOODY-FUCKING DAY! TEMPERATURES OF 21° AT LEAST, FOR THE MOST PART, SUNNY SKIES, NICE BREEZES... AND THAT PIECE OF UNADULTERATED LIQUEFIED SHIT-MANURE HAS BEEN ON THE BACK GALLERY SMOKING IT'S “NEWPORTS” AND, EVEN WITH THE BACK DOOR AND LOO WINDOW SHUT... THE WHOLE PLACE REEKS OF SHIT-SMOKE! AND, TO MAKE IT ALL THE WORSE, THE BOTH OF THEM STROLLED ROUND THE *FRONT* OF THE HOUSE TO GO TO THE POST-BOX AND IT BLEW SMOKE IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS WELL !!! I'VE BEEN IN YONAH'S ROOM ALL DAY AND IT'S BEEN SICKENING !!! NOW, I HAVE THE BOX FAN ON THE KITCHEN TABLE, BLOWING OUT INTO THE LIVING-ROOM, HOPING THE SMOKE WILL BY-PASS THIS ROOM AND BLOW OUT THE FRONT, BUT I CAN STILL SMELL IT... EVEN AFTER A LIGHT SPRAY OF “FEBREEZE”! (I dread the thought, but I've got a “gut feeling” that shit-sack is going to spend the night... it's “mother” might be going in for surgery and GOD HELP ME, IF THAT THING STAYS HERE WHILST MOTHER CONVALESCES... THERE'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER *** WAR *** !!! I'M AT THE VERY END OF EVERY BIT OF NERVE AND CIVILITY I EVER HAD LEFT !!! YEAH... THIS SHIT-BOX HAS BECOME A LIVING *** HELL *** ! - 17.00 IT LEFT AT ABOUT 16.30 !!!! AND THE BACK DOOR AND LOO WINDOW GOT OPENED... YEAH, SURE... AS THE SKIES CLOUDED AND THE WARMTH OF THE DAY TURNED COOLER. BUT I TEND TO BELIEVE IT MERELY WENT TO MARKET OR SOMETHING AND WILL RETURN. I CAN ONLY HOPE I'M WRONG... BUT, AT LEAST TONIGHT, MY DOORS AND WINDOWS WILL BE SHUT... IT JUST BETTER NOT RETURN, PARK ITS FUCKING QUNT IN THE LIVING-ROOM OVER THERE AND LIGHT-UP ALL BLOODY NIGHT! - I've been in a sour mood and quit a bit of un-necessary pain all bloody day! THIS SHIT HAS TO END! - BUT... AT LEAST I HAVE WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN “ANCHORS” IN YONAH'S JOURNAL PAGES (they have to re-load the entire page, I don't understand why but... it works), and the first letter of each day is “bold” now.. through-out! I DID manage to get SOME progress on that! - Now... fritatta for meal... fuck. - 19.48 AND THE SUN HAS SET, THE OUTER-SKIES ARE DARK... AND THIS SHIT-BOX IS ILLUMINATED LIKE TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE! THE FUCKING STREET LIGHT AND THE FUCKING PEE-OH LIGHT ARE ON! (I went and “tapped” it over to the door some more and now it's JUST turned off! SOME SHIT-SACK had it facing the fucking ROAD again! I'm at wits' end!) - Anyway... Yonah is tucked-in... His “site” is as current as tonight's Journal entry. His door is closed, radiator on. It's supposed to be “chilly” again tonight, BUT TOMORROW NIGHT... FORECAST IS 9° WHICH MEANS “DAMNED-COLD”! Ah... but the electric bill is paid and will be paid and NOW, these days, THAT will be paid BEFORE the fucking rent! No, I'm not going to “play” with rent, but, it no longer takes “TOP” priority. Fuck that miserable useless New England filth! Especially after today and this house being “closed”! - Anyway anyway... the day went by too quickly, but it's nice to know and see Yonah's site all neat and tidy. - And tonight's meal was... sufficient. And oddly enough, I'm truly ready for my own “seepie-nigh-night”. But I wonder tonight: Is there a “limit” to how long I can lay down before the legs get going? It seems 2 hours is the max. So if I TRY to get more sleep, I won't EVER be able to. AND, there's the ANXIETIES that strike toward evening now... with that fucking street light. It was HELLISH this morning, at 2.00, when I got up to pee and because of the light in the room, I was tempted to just stay up! That fucking light REALLY IS fucking with my “circadian clock”! FILTH! Well... the letter is still composed... it's a matter of print and post... and that just might be Monday... I have the money for postage, the paper to make the extra envelopes... WAR, BABY! IT'S WAR! Between the abuse from next door and the Mass-hole... NOPE! I'm “all in” now... READY. STEADY. FIRE! - It's time for night pills anyway so... and I might even go for another quick shower before bed. - Tomorrow, I want to get to the river for sand... if my old body will co-operate. AND to get to Nancy to finish THAT bull-shitterie of a fence! - And I looked at flats again, this evening. The nice ones are in multiple-dwellings or “in town”. NOPE! I'm NOT jumping this time... NO NO NO! Hopefully, some-body will see my posting on Crgslst and come to the rescue... and THEN... we'll “play with rent”! Return the “consideration”. - Meanwhile... time to wrap... My stomach's a bit off... nerves, anxieties, the truck, the MD on Thursday... - And Yonah? Well... it's all on his Journal... at least now he's tucked-in... hopefully for a good night's rest. (And no SHIT from that VT filth next door. Thankfully that shit-bit didn't come back! May it stay away... I just dread the thought of it being here after it's “mother” goes in for surgery! HELL! But I can't think about that now... I've more important matters... YONAH... and nice, new, comfy, quiet HOME for BOTH of us!)
Sun.19.Sep: 19.01 Yep... another day... shot to shit. But, I was up at about 7.30... had my coffee, had a snooze for 30 minutes and by noon was out the door... Walked to Nancy's to “finish” that fucking fence... got the wires spliced, was ALL ready to plug in and go when... the bloody-fucking plug for the fucking what-ever doesn't fit in the outlet! SO... now it's a matter of trying to figure out how to fucking plug that shit in! Not to mention, MORE FUCKING DIGGING with her little spade and MY fucking fingers! Thankfully, not too bad. But... what a fucking almost-waste! Of my time, day, and time with Yonah. - AND TO ADD TO THE SHIT, AS I WALKED OUT THE DOOR, “TFL” WAS THERE, PARKED IN THE DRIVE, CHATTING WITH THE QUEEN SHIT NEXT DOOR! I WALKED OUT THE BACK DOOR, LOOKED AT BOTH OF THEM AND COMMENTED “WHAT'S THIS? THE NEW ENGLAND INVASION?” HE GIGGLED. I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE TOOK IT BUT I ADDED “WORST THAN COVID.” NEITHER ONE SEEMED TO HAVE “GOTTEN IT”. SO SHE MENTIONED THE TREE AND PROPERTY LINE, SAID SHE COULDN'T ASK FOR A BETTER NEIGHBOUR... THAN ALVIN.. WE TALKED, BRIEFLY, ABOUT “PROPERTY LINE” AND I JUST LEFT... TO NANCY'S. FUCK! I WAS A MESS, WONDERING IF THAT SHIT-SACK MASS-HOLE TOOK THE LIBERTY OF GOING INTO THE FLAT. BUT, HE HAD A FUCKING MASK HANGING ON HIS FACE! WHAT-THE-FUCK EVER! JUST SOURED ME. BUT GOT ME ROLLING TO NANCY'S! - I have to note that the climb to Nancy's was quite rather some-what difficult. But I made it there, did the work and... headed to the river for TWO containers (4lbs) of fresh river sand for YONAH! NICE sand too! (One bowl is in the oven now... 500°F, until 20.00 or so. And the fucking house stinks, as usual.) - On the way back, stopped to chat with Dan... and THAT was, I must say, up-lifting... from politics to houses... and health-care. He and I have such similar concerns from politics to housing, and the expenses of this Winter coming. THANKFULLY, he has HEAP too... and he's working on the “no cut for Medicare” from his Soc.Sec. And he doesn't appreciate that Alving tossed the cuttings from the trees down where it now looks like SHIT from his side of the yards. Oh well... But I got to play with Kira for a while... FUN! And, talking with Dan has taken quite a bit of my “edge” off. - Nancy told of her infestation of mice. Dan told of his windows, and heating and such. I'm really NOT “solo” in all of this bull-shit. BUT... BOTH OF THEM ARE PISSED ABOUT HOW “TFL” IS BRUSHING ME OFF WITH THE STOVE AND FRIDGE. AND BOTH SAID “BUY ONE AND TAKE IT OFF THE RENT!” (Especially when I said “It's TWO years come November.”) So... I'll just have to see. - WELL! I came via the back yards into the drive to see Alvin, pfutzing with the trees. We chatted. What the fuck? See what MORE I can learn about bull-shit. He's just resolved to resign to what-ever happens these days. Seems he's none-too-thrilled about how things are going. - (Seems the only one who is is that shit-sack next door... more reason to avoid it.) - Seems “TFL” is heading back to Mass tomorrow. Gee. Ms. VTrash didn't get her new window today. She can go to Hell. We'll see how it all works out. - Meanwhile, poor YONAH was ALONE! I didn't get back in until about 16.45! FUCK! And it was, throw pasta-veg for “meal”, eat and get to the “evening routine”! MY POOR LITTLE GUY! Thankfully, he was listening to his “Play-list” all the while. But... And tonight, they're still calling for 9° (which means, lower here) and so... a night of “seepie-nigh-night” with YONAH... to make sure HIS room stays warm enough! I want to be THERE as the radiator is on... to make sure! - Oh, Dan put me wise to nice window blinds from Walmarde! HIS cost him 25$ each... For THESE windows here? ALMOST 45$! SO... I'M INCLUDING THAT IN THE LETTER OF BITCHING... THEY SAVE... I HAVE TO PAY? I THINK NOT! LET'S SEE HOW THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT HANDLES IT! LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT! 200$ FOR THE TWO ROOMS! FUCK THAT SHIT! - Anyway, it's 19.20, the sun is gone. Have to get to Yonah's journal for today, I want to shower before “seepie-nigh-night” and I'm NOT going to “futon” at midnight! - Tomorrow, I'm HOPING NAPA will have the muffler-fix and I can get THAT done early enough... and I have to get smokes (not that I can afford them) and ought to go to market whilst in town. What-ever... we shall see. And I have to look for something to finish Nancy's work... And that's tomorrow. AND I WANT TO GET TO THE RIVER FOR A LARGE, FLAT ROCK FOR YONAH... THINKING OF PUTTING FOOD ON IT SO HE CAN “FILE” HIS BEAK! Ah... tomorrow... quite the day. At least there's fresh sand for Winter now.... THREE containers! YAY US! - 22.07 LIGHTS OUT!
Mon.20.Sep: 7.32
Two Dreamlettes of Concern:
1. Just a quick, momentary passing dream that woke me to go to the loo... I believe I was in the kitchen, but the “focus” was so “tight” I can't really be sure, but, as I recall, I was at the kitchen basin and for just the quickest moment, I saw a mouse on the counter-top to my left! And... I woke.
2. Walking along a river, on the “low bank”, rather “Autumn-ish” sort of surroundings, with some twigs about, and suddenly, a SNAKE! Large, almost “bloated” sort of head, brown, mottled, quite, considerably LARGE, and long, I wasn't at all sure whether or not it was venomous. At first I thought it just a “brown snake” yet, because of it's size, I didn't want to risk being bitten. Then, for a moment, I thought “Water snake”... and then truly couldn't recall whether or not it was a venomous water snake or not. I tried to get away from it, walking back-wards in the sandy bank under-foot. The higher bank was at about my shoulder-height! And as I tried to “escape”, the sand under-foot kept shifting, slowing me down, and the upper bank began to crumble as I tried to climb it! And all the while, the snake kept advancing toward me. Just as I was becoming most frightened, I woke...
It was 7.00. I'd set the “alarm sound” to “vibrate” but it didn't at 6.00 and I thought I'd set it back “on” for the 6.30 but I didn't hear that one either. Yonah was already up when I looked up, and so, I got up and got right to “morning routine”... and now it's all done, including breakfast served in the back, flag up, first coffee... and the bowl of sand in the oven on the second “baking”. - Best news... Yonah's room stayed nice and comfy-warm last night! And the rest of the house, with the radiator between living-room and kitchen just kept the “chill” out. Not “great” for the rest of the house but at least Yonah's room was warm. And that's really all that matters to me. - Oh... and he's dropping more “down feathers” this morning. Poor little guy. - And me? Well, I woke with that “fullness” in the left ear, my stomach's a bit on the “off”. And I'm NOT looking forward to going into town this morning. I just don't want to run the truck but I have no choice... and there's almost NO money in either and both accounts and... well... Just another manic Monday... or depressive... what-ever. - Temperature? 6°! Yep. The had 9° in the forecast for last night. If it's 6° at this hour, we can safely say that it went below that during the night. Thankfully, Yonah's room was TOASTY! - 16.34 Chickens is in the oven to be done by 17.00. Veggies on the hob for same. And the house is “back in order”... and... I was out the door by about 9.15 to NAPA (where the fuckers charged me FULL-FUCKING PRICE, THE SHIT-SACKS... NEVER MIND MY “AAA DISCOUNT”... I'LL GET TO THAT ONE OF THESE DAYS... I'M PISSED), the on to the market for 50-plus $ of I don't know what other than the chicken and, of course, THREE Perry's (not on sale, fuck me). Back to the shit-hole, shit-chat with Queen Fukkall, and... I left the house at about 11.15 to go to Nancy's where, en route, a stop to chat with Dan as he did his windows and then... up the hill to chez Nancy where... I some-what completed that fucking job (and had to break the flap on the out-side outlet but...) and I'm not even certain that the fucking thing actually works (though I did get a bit of a “zolt” when I was testing it so it's probably an “adjustment” matter... I should hope like fuck-all-Hell! maybe). THEN back to the shit-hole to attend to the muffler... which... well... the first strip went on BRILLIANTLY, the second one COVERED my hands with that black glue-shit! BUT... I ran the engine for 22 minutes then rolled up to the Lobdell Rd and back and... well? I don't know but it MIGHT just hold this time. The last stuff... that “silver shit” had dried, cracked and SEPARATED FROM THE FUCKING PIPE! A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY! - So Nancy asked me how much I paid the “edger”, I said 25$. She said she's going to the banque tomorrow and will come to the house with cash (tee-hee... she knows I won't cash a cheque, although right now... I would). Asked what she could get for Yonah!!! I told her, nothing, because I have to order what he needs. She asked about treats and I said he's got lots (and he does, some in the freezer that I still have to grind down... fruits). - Anyway... Chicken was in the oven AT 16.00, I've hoovered (Yonah's shedding again today) and I'm feeling like SHIT... It's HOT and I'm sweaty and rather pleased with my “accomplishments” and if I were to... I'd have a “beverage” but... we'll see after Thursday's “Quack Visit”. For now... I DID IT! NOW... to get grass for a nesting-stuff for Yonah and... TAH-the-fucking-DAH! - MEAL TIME! - 19.39 “Meal”... an entire chicken breast and LOTS of veggies with ice cream after! I'd “forgotten” to take the time to have a “lunch”... “mid-day” pills were taken at about 11.30 in the midst of all the “things and frenzy” and I just rolled through the rest of the day! And I HAVE TO SAY THAT I NOTICE WHEN I SKIP THAT MID-DAY SNACK! IT'S ALMOST A “DULL PAIN” BY EVENING! Anyway... Meal on the table at 17.00 and NOT a sign of it by 18.00... I really DO try not to rush through but... more-so these days, it's almost a “MUST”... tonight's official sun-set... 18.56! And Yonah's “evening routine” has to happen before it all gets dark! - And so too, that was... BUT TONIGHT, I had a bit of a “mis-hap”... (and I'm still “tee-hee'ing” because, once upon a time, I would have been horrified, but at the rate shit is around here, I just faked an “Oops”...). ALMOST AS I WAS DONE WITH THE “WATER-CHANGE”... THE TUBING FELL OUT OF THE BUCKET !!! A COUPLE OF LITRES OF WATER... “IN” THE CARPETING! I almost panicked, and rolled Yonah's house out of the way... whilst he was eating! Yes, it disturbed his snack, but HE didn't panic! THANKFULLY! Anyway... I managed to “towel up” as much as I could. (Thankfully, there are tiles under it.) But, as I say, ONCE upon a time, I'd've worried... Tonight? As long as it has NO bearing on Yonah... FUKKIT! I simply, HONESTLY just have NO fucks to give about this place. As long as it's “comfortable” for Yonah and I, I just don't even give a half-shit. So, it got “cleaned-up” and we'll see if it leaves any “evidence”... tomorrow. - And tomorrow? I've web-work and book-keeping on the schedule... and that's ALL! (Unless “Tante Nancy” comes by with enough for another pack of smokes, in which case... 20 minutes is ALL!) - Right now... 19.52... I'm almost ready for a shower and bed! Plan? Night pills, quick shower... off to bed! (Sadly, in the light of “Times Square” again, but I'm so tired...). - At least marketing got done... Tante Nancy's work got done... The muffler got done... and I've taken the flag in and the day is done! Yonah's Journal is to the moment. I'll post this to the server and... QI, pills, a nosh and... I've had it! - (OH... as an aside... in yesterday's chat with Dan, when we were talking about our “rentals”, he too said “I live there! So I keep the place comfortable and presentable.” Isn't that something? Another one who lives as I do. Ah... but these days... THAT'S ALL I'm concerned with any more. The rest? FUKKIT!) And I end this entry here with that. Fukkit! -22.08 to the shower!
Tue.21Sep: 8.41 LATE! Turned the alarms off, dozed... didn't wake until almost 7.40 or so! Not pleased with me. Time with Yonah is so short these days... this makes it shorter! But “morning routine” is done, I'm dressed, washing in the basins. Sun is shining. There's almost a warmth to the breeze. “Sukkoth”... imagine that! I always associate this day with the “chills”... THIS is Autumn! Here we go! - Feeling a bit “off” this morning, though not “terrible”. And as I was working on the waters, as it were, in Yonah's house, Tante Nancy rolled by with a “toot-toot”. And there we have the morning. I'm off and... off. - Last night... THREE “foot contractions”! Oh just jolly fuck. - Holy SHIT! 15°! 21° for the high... 16° for the LOW! WHAT‽ Anyway... good day for lavage... - 10.34 Lavage sur les lignes... a warm breeze blowing under sunny skies... - The “installation” results from Canada's yesterday's so-called “election”... the fucking Libs remain in the “minority” government and Trudeau remains in office and I'm sick through to my guts! Had a couple of “chats” with Gina... ah yes, I'm out of hope... it's done. North America is about to utter collapse in on itself as a “civilisation”. And me? I'm in Yonah's room where I hope to spend MOST of my breathing moments, together, with him, for... a duration of time. I'm done, finished. I thought the 60s and 70s were “times of turmoil”. Well... it's only a matter of time now... and there isn't a lot of that. “Civil War” or... devastation. And me? Well... all I want is to live with Yonah... and when it's time, and he “departs”, ALL of my “responsibilities and such are done. And we'll both go “soaring off into the...” what-ever. - Right now... passing a beautiful morning of sun-shine... hoping “Tante Nancy” shows up on time for another pack of smokes... I'm not relying on it. I rely on nothing any longer. - At least it's not cold today... there's that. - Oh... and a bowl of sand on the 3rd 500° bake. One more to go and we're set for Winter, I should think. - 14.59 Well... INDEED... Nancy drove by whilst I was on the back gallery, and obviously stuffed 25$ into the screen door, gave a “toot-toot” and drove away! So there we have it... Hmmm... LOOKS LIKE IT'S A DAMNED GOOD THING I DIDN'T “ACCEPT” THAT 100$ CHEQUE! WELL, FINE, GOOD, SPIFFY... 12-PLUS HOURS OF WORK... 25$... BREAKS-DOWN TO MY TIME BEING WORTH 2,08$/HOUR. ALRIGHTIE THEN... DULY NOTED. Not so much for me... but... so much for the plans to shop for Yonah... so then... she can shove her “toots” as far as I'm concerned. I mean, it would have been “civil” to “offer” more? But... at least now, the job is done, officially... I've been “paid”... she can go get laid. That's that for that. - Meanwhile... I should run for a pack of smokes... - 20.00 and I DID make the quick trip for smokes and saw Casey, who's been in MAINE at another store (short-staffed, those folks too... because of our “government” bull-shit). And came rushing back! - Other-wise... another day at the shit-box. BUT... with YONAH! SO THAT made it all worth the “living”. - Thus far, not a blip from Nancy. I've decided to ignore the 25... fuck that! Really! Stuff it into the door and ride off? Well, she can “ride off”... and I can “write off”. Enough! Done. - In other news... meal was chicken and a LOT of veggie and another WHOLE chicken breast! I was hungry! But then again... no “lunch” again either. - And tonight, Yonah was “tucked-in” before dark. - OH and NEWS NEWS! I've done some reading on the “moulting”! In about 5 sites, one REAL commonality: DON'T HANDLE A BIRD DURING MOULTING! It can be harmful to the pin feathers AND it CAN cause them stress and a bit of “pain”! It's “common” for them to be “grumpy” and “silent” too! SO... now I know and will behave accordingly. POOR LITTLE GUY! - And so... night pills taken... on to QI and a “snack”. Weather permitting, tomorrow, rock search for a larger flat stone for Yonah's food (so he'll trim his beak... I put an emery board on that little mirror he likes and pecks at... just for added “abrasion”... but he doesn't seem to be too happy about it... but it beats having his beak grow back too long). And a “hunt” for a nice “tree” for him for the living-room and/or kitchen. And some pine needles... and such.
GOVERNMENT SHUT-DOWN THREATENED FOR OCTOBER AND TALK ABOUT THEM NOT PAYING SOC.SEC! OH WELL... TFL WILL JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT UP! I'M IN NO MOOD! AS LONG AS YONAH HAS FOOD... AND HE DOES. FTW AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. I'LL MAKE “DO” OR “DUE” OR “DOO”. ARSE-HOLES... THE LOT OF THEM. BESIDE, IT'S THE FAULT OF THE MORON “THEY” PUT INTO CONTROL! LET THEM ALL EAT SHIT!
Time to put the day behind where it belongs... hope for a night of SLEEP tonight (HAHAHAHAHAHFUCK). And we'll deal with “tomorrow” when it becomes “today.” - “Mic drop”. - 24.10 SNOOZE!
Wed.22.Sep: 19.07 I can't believe this (though I can because I have no choice). Yonah is tucked-in already, the house is “in order” and I'm actually ready... I mean, I could, easily, jump into the shower and into bed! It's dark out there (except for the fucking street-light... SHIT!) WOW! These days really ARE getting shorter! And come that end of “DST”... THIS will be 18.07! (Which it actually is but...) My WORST GRIPE: LESS TIME WITH YONAH! Especially now, when he needs his rest. (And that shit-sack next door had better NOT decide to renovate tonight... I swear, I'm about to lose it with that one!- ANYWAAAayyyyyy.... It was another night of 2 “contractions”, one of which required getting up and toddling to the loo. The second one I “massaged” away and drifted back to sleep. But, there were, in total, 2 “loo-trips”... needless to say, this morning was “exhausted” even before I got out of the bed! As Oma used to say “I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired”... and that fucking street-light isn't helping any matters at all any more. Yeah... this morning was another “difficult” one, but I got up and got at it anyway... coffee, “morning routine”... And as I sat, going through my “early morning” (“early”... HAH!) on-line... at about 8.30... “vroom vroom” at the back door... Avery! GAS delivery! THIS is a particularly difficult month-time, budget short and all. But... come payment time... I'm going to try to pull the “discount” this time... since it's going to be 11 days a-fucking-gain and, even though it's only a 4$ difference... we shall see. - And then a quick call to the “Health Centre” who phoned me last evening at about 18.00 and the fucking phone didn't ring-through A-FUCKING-GAIN! Thankfully, it was just a “courtesy reminder” of my appointment... TOMORROW! I'm am NOT looking forward to this... anticipating cold shoulder, shirking, brushing-off, an instance on a CT which I can't afford and don't really want to be bollocksed with/by. And then there'll be the “You're in perfect health” and no mention of the foot contractions. What-ever... it will be what it was when it's done. “I can't think about that now.” FUKKIT! - Yonah's been looking “dragged and scraggly” today BUT, as I've already noted on HIS Journal page (which is current, thankfully), he's been closer to his “old” self today than he has been in several days. How my heart BREAKS to see him go through this. But we passed the after-noon-into-meal-time together and he had and has quite the nice “mixture” for food now... I took the jars of “snax” from the fridge, with nuts and fruits and sunflower seeds and whirred them in the “Ninja”... Added meal worms and whirred all that together... “High Protein” as is said in those sites, that he needs now. AND this after-noon, a hard-boiled egg got added! WOOHOO! GOOD FOOD! (MAYBE that's what's making a bit of a difference? Hey! I have more eggs... even if I have to cook one every day... I don't mind! He's got 500g of “base” with the rest. If it helps... NOTHING is “too good” and NOTHING is “good enough” for MY GUY! - And this after-noon, as I was finishing my “lunch and pills”, a car pulled up to the front and tooted... I had no idea who it was and the broad in there called out “HELLO!” as these crass ones do. Had I not had a smoke in hand, I'd've ignored her, but, when I went out, she was a bit surprised, asked if I was “John”... “the guy who lived here before”... Before who? Artie lived here... allegedly for about 7 years... of course, with the lies I've been told... Anyway... Joanne... Petro... she “ran” the PO here after Margaret! So we got to chatting and she asked after all the locals. I've no idea where she came from, but she had a story about living in her car, sleeping on Joan's sofa... Geraldine... We talked about the PO and when it got to VT... WOW! “I friggin HATE that place! They'll smile so sweet and stab you in the back!” SO... we became close buds. And she wasn't very happy about VTrash moving into the hamlet. So... SO! WOOHOO! And she knows Nancy! And so it was lovely chatting. - MEANWHILE... ON THE TOPIC OF NANCY... I told her that I didn't find her money in the door. She claims she put it IN the house. (Lie) AND she claims she knocked but there was no answer (Lie) AND insisted that I look IN the house and I just went along with MY side of it, said I'm sorry for the loss and don't bother replacing it. Well... the last message was at 13.14 “It was cash 5 and 20! Sorry I knocked! No answer! Yes I will bring another! (crying face emoji)” At about 16.15 or so... “toot toot”... she drove by, didn't stop... nothing since. GREAT! I don't have any shits or fucks to give her either. Too tired and too much else on my mind... and still quite rather miffed... 25$? The cost of the garden edger? ANOTHER LINDA RUBO!!! AND I SAID SO IN THE BEGINNING! OH! HOW DO I DO IT? I SEE IT COMING AND SURE ENOUGH! PAY MATERIALS AND FUCK THE REST. (Of course, THIS is a LOT easier than Rubo's shit and I truly don't care to get into it... besides, Nancy DID give me that cheque which I “returned” so she made an effort but still... even though she marked it “partial” I'm sure... SURE that would have been all... still, 75$ labour... 6,25/hour but... Never mind. I can't be bothered. What comes will come... one way or another. I'm not concerned. - And so... tonight... HOPEFULLY a night of sleep, but if not, I'll be fatigued for the MD (twat, I fear) and will be able to whine about the street light as a health hazard and use that in my “bitch fest”. But I really would like to sleep through. And tomorrow? Well... I'll deal with that then. WHAT I DON'T LIKE IS... I'll be away from Yonah from 14.00 until, probably 15.30! And THAT IS NEVER EASY FOR ME! But... I DO need to know what's going on in the lung and such... I have a 5-year minimum obligation !!! So, we shall see... but right now, I'm posting this to the server and getting on with the evening. If it were a touch later (it's 19.33 HAHAHAFUK) I could take the night pills and prep for bed... But... soon... Last night was another “later” one... tonight I'll go for IN BED by 22.00 (tee-hee) and if I make it, no doubt I'll be up and down ALL through the night with contractions, anyway... Ah... “life”... and... FTW. - 22.32 I just don't understand how, no matter how early I get into an evening... Oh well... another quick shower. And then one before “the event”, to be sure. And just in time... the lap-top is fucking-up... now with the “zoom”. - Anyway... the house smells of “floor wax” tonight... that shit-sack next door best not be using chemicals... If Yonah gets sick... that old thing will wish she'd moved from Lake Placid directly to HELL!
Thu.23.Sep: 7.30 and.... 21°! rising to... 25°! - And I was in bed at 23.00... woke at 1, 3, 5.00... just woke, no reason, and at 3.00, I actually felt rested and was annoyed because my “clock” seems to be on “nap time”... fucking street light, no doubt. But I dozed back to sleep each time, heard the alarms this morning, turned them off and at... AT 7.05 was up and into the “morning roll”... as the little beasts across the road are screaming like the low-lifes of... their ilk. Ah... “quiet, mountain, country life”... infested. - I'm dressed. Yonah's routine completed, back-yard breakfast served, flag up. Here we go. - Yonah's looking a touch better this morning. The doves in the back are looking very much like Yonah... Poor little ones! 'tis obviously “the season”. - The sand in the oven is on the 500. - And me? I'm feeling “ick”... already a bit schwitzich. 21°? Ah... no complaints. Better than -21°, and THOSE mornings aren't far away. But the tummy's a bit “off”, and both ears are giving me a bit of that “fullness” this morning. And for this, I actually got an 8-hour “rest period” (I wouldn't call it “sleep”... because of the breaks but...) - Ah and alas... and on with the day... - “Road trip” this after-noon... I do dread it but, we shall see... we shall... indeed. - At least the doors are open and there's an intermittent breeze. Hold fast to this... too soon, it'll pass. - 19.19 Tired... but Yonah's Journal is to the moment... (“Catch-up” on Fri.24.Sep: 11.49) Yonah wasn't looking too “together” this morning. He's moulting “drastically” this time around and there's a “naked ridge” across his upper beak! SOOOooooo... JUST be be a little more assured that there aren't any “parasites” and the likes in his house... COMPLETE CLEANING THIS MORNING... BEFORE ALL ELSE! The moss came out and into the kitchen basins for 10 (minimum) soaks, and agitation and squeezing and rinsing and... The kitchen-roll on the floor got replaced AND the sands got replaced, the little trays got washed. By day's end, the water in his pool was changed thrice! And then, tonight, I took the moss out and put it on the tray, in the living-room... it was really just too “wet” and though doves like humidity, I just wasn't comfortable with that much “wetness” in his house over-night. Ah... CLEAN HOUSE! (I just HOPE HOPE HOPE that a) this IS just moulting and b) that he's in NO discomfort! HOW I WISH I KNEW... but, I'm only human and humans aren't really all that intelligent, where Nature is concerned. The only thing I can do is make sure his house is clean, he gets proper food and water and rest, exercise and LOVE... LOVE... LOVE !!!) - WENT TO DEMURO TODAY. (Took a “scrub shower” before with “Algemarin”... to be “fresh”... because one does, when one “cares” about such things). The “centre” is “cute” and of course, “mask-mandatory”. Ah... they provide. Other-wise, I wouldn't have bothered with ANY of the ordeal. Had to complete the usual “forms” and again, no “Emergency contact”. It truly drives the “solitary-ness” home. But really, there isn't anybody to “notify”... other than Yonah. The Nurse who “triaged”, (Lisa, 62y/o) was quite nice, but then, Nurses often (but not “always”) are. When I asked about my “O2sat” it was “92” and when I mentioned being in the ER and noted the difference between “mask on and mask off”, she was quite agreeable. “Imagine having to wear this 9 hours a day.” Anyway... TP/BP: 97,6, BP 112/70. Fine, indeed As for the MD, he came in, shook my hand, WENT, IMMEDIATELY FOR THE HAND-SANITIZER AFTER! Imagine that! he's QUITE YOUNG and although “only as kind as necessary” didn't seem to be “genuinely interested”. He focused on the “nodule”, he, of course, insisted on a CT. That's fine. Already went into “Needle Biopsy” potential (and mentioned “pneumothorax” potential... fuktard... I've NO doubt it's because it generates revenue and well, let's see how he reacts to my opposition to “invasive anything”, I don't see that being a “happier” moment and frankly, I don't give a shit). He almost vehemently defended the folks at Elizabethtown Community Hosp. when I told him how displeased I am with them. But that's to be expected. I told him about Yonah (and before leaving, gave him a card for Yonah's web-site). He asked questions and I, sternly, said “When I ask a question, I expect to get an answer... not 'Oh, let me see what I can find and I'll be right back' and then nobody ever comes back. When I ask a question, I'm due an answer.” I'm not sure how he took that but... at least it's in the open. When it finally sunk in that Yonah is THE ONLY IMPORTANT aspect of my life he asked: “You're looking at 5 years. So what will you do about things after that 5 years?” So I told him that if Yonah is around, I'll do what I can to out-live him, other-wise, I'll just let life roll as it will. So he started pushing the “cure rates” for CA-Lung. I presented the possibility of “Dung-Lung”. He almost rejected that (of course he did... Patients are stupid). I pointed-out the 4mm/yr growth. He responded with a reference to “doubling”. I assured him I understand that and... our “meeting” went along as to be expected: I'm stupid, he's Godly. But, all said, time will tell, but he appears “good enough”... and nothing more nor less. - OH... He claims the size of the nodule is 2,3cm. In the ER, the claim was that they “couldn't really tell because the x-ray was taken from the back”, but, said the mystery possibly-PA, it's “about 2cm”. Well, OK. It IS “about 2cm”. Still only the size of a thumb (which I pointed-out to Mr. MD... using thumb and pinky, to no good). - Moving along, as we left the “exam room”, he commented that I'll be contacted when they make ethe appointment for the CT and then said “We have to take care of that mourning dove!” (Personally, I feel he was patronising, but other-wise... well, no I “have a primary”... until he calls to say that he's shoved me off to somebody else... which I expect.) THANKFULLY... NO “co-pay”! I was rather “concerned” about that. But even as the receptionist said “They'll get you later.” - Now, over-all? NO CHECKING OF EARS, MOUTH, EYES... NOTHING... JUST QUESTIONS AND TYPING... THIS VISIT WAS FOR THE LUMP ON THE LUNG! PERIOD! Now to wait and see about the CT... it has to be “appproved by insurance”. Fuktards... No rush. Hey! My blood-work from the ER last was fine, today's vitals are fine... - One other note: Oh... when I told the MD where I reside he said “Oh... Joan Crane!” These yokels are SO easily “impressed”... or, maybe Joan was quite the “hit”. What-ever... - I left the “centre”, rolled across to the market, primarily to get peanuts for Yonah (and found “snacks”, roasted, in shells... 1,79$ but will see what sort of nonsense they are. I'll shell and grind tomorrow. - Got home about 16.30-ish...Stopped to tell Ms. Vtrash about the assoc. of me, here, the MD with Joan... SHE TELLS ME THAT THE PO IS LOOKING FOR ANOTHER PMR AND THAT THEY ASKED HER IF SHE'D CONSIDER TAKING THE JOB! WELL, I WARNED HER ABOUT IT NOT BEING AS EASY AS SHE THINKS IT IS. SHE SAYS “THEY'D PREFER SOMEBODY LOCAL WHO WANTS THIS JOB FOR WHAT IT IS AND NOT SOMEBODY WHO'S LOOKING FOR AN 'IN' WITH THE USPS. HER ONLY OBJECTION IS HAVING TO GO TO ALBANY FOR 2 DAYS, AND IS WAITING TO SEE THE RESULTS OF HER PENDING 'STENTS'. LOL! LET HER TAKE THE FUCKING JOB. I TOLD HER WHY I WON'T. APPARENTLY OUR MOST-RECENT GAL GAVE 2-WEEK NOTICE AND JUST LEFT. I SAID “THAT SPEAKS FOR ITSELF”. WE SHALL SEE.... If she takes the job, it's her business, not mine. And with her “Vermont attitude”, I doubt she'll be at it for very long. What-ever...
*** MEANWHILE *** WHEN I GOT INTO THE HOUSE... I LOOKED INTO YONAH'S HOUSE... HE WASN'T THERE. I LOOKED AROUND HIS ROOM, ON THE SHELVES, THE WORK-TABLE... NO! I GOT QUITE CONCERNED, TO PUT IT LIGHTLY. STANDING AT HIS DOOR, I NOTICED... YONAH WAS ON THE FLOOR! HE'D BEEN ON THE ARM OF THE FUTON WHEN I LEFT! I imagine it might have something to do with the instinct to “hide” during moulting. But it was both cute and, for me, hurtful. He really has no particular place, other than the shelves and the floor. Figuring he'd probably been there the hours I was away and hadn't eaten, I tried to “coax” him back to his food... HE WANTED NONE OF THAT! BUT I DID MANAGE TO GET HIM IN AND HE ATE!!! Poor little guy! Hungry but maybe didn't have the energy to fly back “home”! Or something. - Sadly, I had to start meal right away and so I did... and when that was done, as it is, these days, I had to get right to “evening routine”! And so... for the third time today, the waters got changed and I took his moss out because, well, after all the “cleaning”, it was quite wet and I didn't like the idea of all that “wetness” in his house over-night. So it went onto the cookie-sheet and into the living-room... AND... I prepped the futon... a night together. He seems to enjoy my presence in the room and, well, to be honest, I prefer being with him. We don't have much time together during the day, and today I was away, so... if I can manage a “peaceful” night, no coughing, hacking and contractions (which were mentioned at today's MD appointment and never addressed)... A NIGHT WITH YONAH! YAY! - 19.35 I'm tired. Just waiting to take the 20.00 pills and... I'm off to “rest”... WITH MY GUY!
It seems to be raining a bit out there... Nice. But it's bringing back the cooler weather. Oh well... - 22.26 AGAIN... I intended to be ON the futon by now but... I'm off NOW.
Fri.24.Sep: 8.10 I woke all through the night in Yonah's room because it always looked like day-break! EVEN IN THERE! FUCK! AND FUCK THESE SHIT-SACKS IN THIS LOCAL FUCKING “GOVERNMENT”! THIS IS A DECLARED “WAR” AND I NEED TO GET THE LETTERS FLYING!
DREAM: And this one was literally a “Dream In A Dream”...
It began with me, sleeping (in the dream) and dreaming that I met “Candi Staiton” who sang the song “Only In Me Dreams” (but in reality, it was “Debbie Gibson” who sang it... ah... “dreams”...) - I was working with/for “Broadway Beat” or something of the sort, though it was a combo of Bradshaw & Schmulik in the dream, and was on a “job” as the crew (as I was then). She was really quite arrogant, pompous, one of those typical “celebs”, as were the actual “Broadway folks” and I tried to be nice, civil, but she wanted none of me. I wasn't worth the attention, even to say “Hello”. - But then, in the dream, I woke, and actually WAS on a job and actually DID get to meet her and told her that I'd dreamt I'd met her and how she was, in the dream... and she feigned some sort of officence and yet... she was JUST as I'd dreamt!
Still asleep, as I was, this dream suddenly switched to another dream...
I was working with/for either Schmulik and/or Martin and/or some sort of the same of them, for a “studio” very much similar to “Izquierdo”... based in the city, but we were working on a project of some kind in a very large “park”, in an old stone castle there, that had contemporary office/loft work space. in the “company/studio really ever spoke with/to me, I was some-what resented and left on my own. I was working on a “project” with/for the “company” but it was something quite odd, vague, I was almost “just there” (VERY much the way I'd felt working at Izquierdo... as if ALL of THAT was coming back again, after all these years... maybe it was because of re-hashing the PO days in VT... which will always make me sick). The rest of the crew were busy working on some “artistic” project and I was working on something that was supposed to be some sort of “functional”, “mechanical”, “engineered”. They worked in the offices and I was working out-side, in a sandy area, trying to create some manner or fashion of machine or instrument where-by a person could “glide, slide, float, tunnel” through beach sand. At one point in the time of the dream it had rained and the sand was wet... and I was alone on this sandy area. Working, I ran, dropped to the sand, trying to “skid along, then into the sand and under” but because the sand was wet I couldn't. So, after a while, I went back to the “castle” and the wrought iron gates to get around the out-side “turrets” had been closed, not locked, just closed. I went through and there was nobody there! Some people were inside the “loft” areas but those people didn't know me at all. Some of them worked for another company and the few others who worked for the same studio I worked for didn't know me at all. I was annoyed/bothered/irritated/concerned that it would be thought I wasn't working and earning my pay (again, quite rather like Izquierdo). As I walked about, becoming angry with/about the situation, I tried to get inside the “castle” and some “maintenance” fellow told me “They've all gone, long while ago.” He was kind about it, at least. I was growing more angry with the situation, thinking I needed to just get out of it, away from the studio and bull-shit, and leave it behind and as I grew angrier, approaching plain frustration... I woke.
WELL!!!! I woke to see YONAH looking at me from his usual corner (where he didn't go to sleep last night but there he was. It must have been at least 7.30-ish! ... so I got up. And now... morning routine is done. - It rained most of the night, as I know because of waking through the night... it had to be at least thrice! And it's only just letting-up. Chilly morning. Quite different from yesterday. Not “cold”, thankfully, not “damp” but “chilly”. Cold night to come on Sunday and MORE cold nights (10°) early through next week. Here it comes and here we go! - I've been thinking about the Rubbo/Kullman situation (how similar: pay for the materials and fuck me for the work... the MDs at the ER and Demuro... the CT, a possible “biopsy” which I'm SURE they're going to push for, whether necessary or not, trying to find a “second opinion” in this “monopoly” of UVM here which, on-line last night, I saw HORRIFIC “reviews” though they were about “Fanny Allen”, but I find they're QUITE similar to ECH. I'm annoyed with/by all this. And the claim of “2,3cm” and that PA “Jim” who said it was difficult to tell because the x-ray was taken from the back and that the nodule is “about 2cm”... well... what-ever.) - 14.49 Sitting in Yonah's room, working on the catch-up on the Journals when the odour of paint fumes comes wafting into the room. That THING is spraying paint on the back gallery! If it isn't her shit-turd and smoke... AND... SHE'S THWACKING THE FUCKING SCREEN DOOR! BRAINLESS, INCONSIDERATE, SELF-SERVING, EGO-CENTRIC, COMMON, TYPICAL “VERMONTER”! OH... TO GET THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT-BOX! -
got to the river for 2 canisters of sand. Last night's rains rose the river but I managed to get nice sand. MORE BAKING to come! (I'm just waiting for the bowl in the oven to cool. And with the cooler days ahead, the oven will be welcome.) - (16.12 JUST catching-up to almost current but thankfully I'm here at “today” at last!) - YAY ME! YAY YONAH! YAY US! Right after morning coffee and the usual “internet” BS... I got set-up in Yonah's room and SHELLED THE BAG OF PEANUTS, SORTING THROUGH THEM TO MAKE SURE THAT WHAT YONAH GETS IS “CLEAN” AND LOOKS EDIBLE! Nicely, all but about 10 of them were fine and it gave me a Ramekin-full! And so... the peanuts got ground and added to his “high protein” mix and served! I'm relieved knowing that the peanuts are in there and I can got more... especially through the Winter. - And as I shelled peanuts, I pondered... trying to figure how to set-up his “Spectrum light” come Winter, cutting a 2x4 for a “light post” for it, and the kitchen table 4x4s, there's catch-up on this journal, the “terms list/index” on Yonah's site, things to do... on a rainy day... if it stays rainy, and how/when to get more sand, a larger flat rock for Yonah to eat off of for his beak, another “tree” for perching in the kitchen, living-room... and that fucking street light. I have “things” to occupy a day. - AS I was sitting at the work table... YONAH TOOK A *STROLL* TO THE KITCHEN! JUST ALL OF HIS OWN ACCORD! IT WAS SO PRECIOUS! So I continued with the shelling and just before heading to the kitchen to grind them, I tried to get him back “home” to eat but he didn't really want to go until, at one point, he headed UP... and “HOME”... so i ground the peanuts, added them to his “high protein” mix and he had some of it. Ah... as long as he eats, I'm “pretty much OK”. I don't like seeing him, all scraggly, and I HOPE it's just moulting! But he's got HEALTHY FOOD! AND THAT'S MY MAIN MOST IMPORTANT CONCERN THESE DAYS. - When that was done, it was time for mid-day pills, so I took a “break”, toasted the rest of the bread (I have to make more now... HAVE to) and when THAT was done... I decided to head down to the river for more sand so that we have enough come the “Winter freeze” (not that this will last that long, I don't imagine, but the more we have the better). - Going down the Hill I could hear the falls and indeed... all the rain last night brought the river up and the falls are just RUSHING along! And the bank where I usually get the sand... under water. BUT... I DID manage to get TWO containers of GOOD sand, and had a look-round for a flat stone (none large enough... those are up river, down the main) and at trees for his house and for that “living-room perch”... and came back... and got to the “catch-up” on this journal... - At about 15.00, I HAD to have a nap! (The waking through the night is taking a toll!) And when I woke... Yonah was on the back of the chair at the work table, looking at me! AND AS I SIT HERE TYPING (16.19) HE'S BEEN ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR ALL ALONG! - 16.27 Well... I'm caught-up with THIS journal and Yonah's back on the floor. He'd left the chair, gone to the futon arm and then to the floor. But he doesn't seem to want to go “home” so... - Other than the bull-shit, it was a nice day! Breeze. Sun-shine. (And the bloody sun-shine is going already and I have to prep a meal and I don't know WHAT that's going to be since there's only a “chunk” of chicken left... ah well... we'll see what happens... but that the sun is setting already pisses me off!) And, having to close the back door and loo window because of the fumes... it's no wonder I'm constantly fatigued... this place is a constant piss off! - And then too there's the “Kullman” bull-shit. That money would be MOST handy right now... especially for smokes! I have only enough in the accounts for ONE more pack! AND I “text” that says “I'll bring more.” Yeah? Well. I'm glad to know all of this now because... TRUST THAT WITH YONAH? OH HELL NO! FUCK OFF! - And on that... 16.31 time to toss something together and call it “meal”. I'd skip it completely but... these days... I KNOW BETTER! (I NEED TO BE IN BEST HEALTH FOR YONAH!) - 22.08 That's that...
AND... THE SHIT NEXT DOOR IS AT IT... ALL CALM UNTIL... OF COURSE, THE OLD THING COMES TO LIFE WHEN THE REST OF THE CIVIL WORLD IS ABOUT TO TRY FOR SLEEP... WHICH IS SOMETHING WE, IN THIS SHIT-BOX, DON'T GET MUCH OF ANYWAY, THANKS TO THE SHITS IN THE LIGHTING OFFICE! OH WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE... BUT... “MY DAY” IS NIGH... INDEED... INDEED... INDEED. HELL WILL PREVAIL... AND NOT THAT ONE'S THOUGH IT'LL WISH IT HAD MOVED THERE INSTEAD OF HERE. (What a charming mood to go to bed in at the end of a day...) I'm off... A night with MY GUY!
Sat.25.Sep: 7.02 I DIDN'T GET TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YONAH... A-FUCKING-GAIN! NO! THE THIGH CONTRACTION... THE ONE THAT MAKES IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO STAND, NEVER MIND “WALK IT OFF”! I was ON the futon by 22.30 and had fallen asleep... AH... but that “2-FUCKING-HOUR” MARK! WHAM! I was up, in pain and... instead of being up and down, I decided to go to my own bed. And as I stood to leave, Yonah gave that quiet “Hoo. Hoo. Hoo. Hoo.” as if he KNEW I was leaving! So I apologised, and, feeling like a complete SHIT, tried to console him... went to my room, “closed the curtains” (for all the fucking good that does in this shit-box), wrapped the brace round my back and got into bed... pissed-off! Thankfully(?) I DID manage to get to sleep... and didn't wake until... 6.30... on my own! And, seeing the time, I got up and got to the morning. So now, coffee, sand in the oven on second “bake”, flag out, and I'm dressed. And, as should be obvious, not in a really great mood. - And, as I had my “half-smoke”, on the porch, in the approximately “48F” temperature, thoughts of “What if...” if this “nodule” is even suspected of being malignant. And... “Do I trust these quacks?” And... I wonder if I couldn't get back to the folks at the Richford Centre. And I REALLY wonder why it is that I trust THEM more? Considering I don't trust anything else in VT. Ah... “Life”... what a fuck! But, just checked... WITH the ferry... 100mi, 2h45m EACH way. (But it by-passes Shelburne, S.BTV and Fuklin.) Ah, the “old” concern: NO direct way to get to any-where in that state.) Anyway... - OK... 7.35 already... time to check Yonah and get this day rolling. I've got some work to do on the lap-top... PHOTOS for Yonah, for one thing... so... on we go... - Oh... there was a dove on the feeder already at 6.30 this morning! Goodness! Thankfully, there was food there. SO EARLY! - 20.05 OK! SO it was another whole day with MY GUY (Yonah) today, and I managed to get his photos edited and coded... and his Journal is current and all are waiting to be put onto the server! - And it was a nice, almost quiet sort of day, all told. - There was one “exception” when, I was trying to catch a bit of a snooze on Yonah's futon at about 15.00 or so ( I'M ALWAYS SO BLOODY-FUCKING TIRED ANY MORE! I SWEAR IT'S GOT TO DO WITH THAT FUCKING STREET LIGHT NOW AS WELL AS THE CONTRACTIONS. I MEAN, LAST NIGHT, I GOT ALMOST A SOLID 6 OR MORE HOURS OF SLEEP AND YET, I'M STILL ALWAYS FUCKING EXHAUSTED DURING THE DAY...) WHEN I HEARD “BANG-THWACK”... SOME SHIT, LOOKING FOR THE SHIT-ROT ACROSS THE ROAD! I wasn't all too polite but he thanked me and went over there. MAKE MATTERS ROUND HERE WORSE? I HEARD “SEAN” TELL THE GUY, ABOUT HERE “That whole building is just rented apartments.” AND IT WASN'T SO MUCH *WHAT* WAS SAID BUT HE SOUNDED AS IF HE WAS *DISGUSTED*! SO I'M TAKING THAT AS A FUCKING SPIT-IN-THE-FACE! APPARENLTY *WE* HERE AREN'T REALLY “CITIZENS”... as I expected. Yeah? Well, they're accustomed to shit living in this house... I'm MORE THAN HAPPY to move out and let them have their SHIT back! FUCK THE DAMNED BUNCH OF THEM! - Well, that was then and that and... I went back to working in Yonah's room, on the “Quick Reference” list and his photos. - Yonah spent MOST of the day in his house, in the sun-shine. POOR LITTLE GUY! His face above his beak is SO SCRAGGLY! BUT... I can see the new feathers coming in! And I searched through to make sure there aren't any “vermin” or “boogz” in there! That's the LAST thing I EVER want to see in his house. (I'm glad the kitchen-roll is WHITE!) - So came “meal” and I put half an onion and 2 tins of beets through the “Ninja”... added the spices and oil and vinegar... and sliced one of the “old, pickled” eggs, “Stir Fry” mix veggies, a hand-full noodles and when cooked, a HEAVY dollop of that “Light” sour cream... Not bad. “Sufficient”. Ice cream after. - Then came... after washing-up... “evening routine” already! SHIT! These days are SLAMMING into short! So I got to that, closed the curtains and put up the “back-boards” with just enough time for enough light for Yonah to “navigate” round his house... put on the radiator (10° tonight)... MADE THE FUTON BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GIVE AN OVER-NIGHT ANOTHER TRY TONIGHT... FUCK ME! AND... I MADE A BOLT FOR FAMDOLL FOR A PACK OF SMOKES (and all but wipe-out ALL of my “funds” until NEXT week-end! THIS is NOT good!) - SPEAKING OF WHICH... THE NEW “CIBC” CARD CAME TODAY... AND I HAVE TO MAKE AN “ATM TRANSACTION” WITH IT! NOW... I HAVE TO FIND OUT IF I CAN DO IT FROM THE STATES! AH... OR... CAN I GET TO LACOLLE! HOW I TRULY WANT TO LAY SOME SERIOUS PAIN ON SOMEBODY AGAIN! - ANYWAY... As I was sitting at the kitchen table, working on Yonah's Journal... at 19.42 TOOT TOOT? WTF? She's got some fucking audacity! But I believe it's more stupidity... she probably REALLY doesn't understand just how fucking selfish she is... I mean... not even BOTHERING to come to the door to learn more about the money? Ah yes... Linda Rubo... Part II. FUKKIT! - And on that note... it's 20.19 and time for QI and a get-me-to-the-futon! I'm tired, annoyed (that fucking street light), not looking forward to stretching a pack of smokes through a week, and this shit-box is bothering me again... BUT... MY LITTLE GUY IS SAFE AND SOUND AND TUCKED-IN FOR THE NIGHT AND HIS RADIATOR IS ON SO HE'LL BE NICE AND WARM AND TOASTY (I have to close his door) AND REALLY... THAT, AND NOTHING ELSE, IS ALL THAT HAS ANY IMPORTANCE IN CREATION! - I'm posting this now... - 22.32 Now matter when I THINK I'm going to head or bed.. Well... It's off to Yonah's futon! AND hoping to get, at the very least, SOME ACTUAL sleep tonight.
Sun.26.Sep: (On Mon.27 at 10.56 from notes jotted at 20.52 on Sunday evening.) WELL! I DID manage to actually sleep through the night last night! On Yonah's futon (MY GUY!). But I'd put the “back brace” on with the scrubs, just to see if that had any sort of effect on “comfort”. Seems, as I see, that it DOES make a difference because, I no sooner laid down and... a bit of a “clearing cough” and... next thing I knew... I woke to Yonah, staring down from his perch at me! WHAT A GORGEOUS way to begin a day: seeing that little one “up there”! AND, I HAVE to note that his face is starting to look GOOD! The fresh, new feathers across his beak are actually beginning to look like “young feathers”! I'm SO HOPEFUL that this “moulting” will be over for him SOON. It physically hurts me to my core to see him so “off”... He's been so quiet these days. And when he's given a “coo”, which he did, once today, it sounds almost “weak”. (Of course, I'm frightened... I've been using the oven to “sterilise” his sand and it stinks the house terribly! I'm hoping there's nothing in the air that's bothering him and his breathing. Bad enough MY breathing is often “laboured”. I don't want to do ANYTHING that will cause Yonah even the slightest discomfort... not to mention, any threat to HIS health! That fucking stove just pisses me off... So too, the fridge... and the water pressure that I don't have... and the fucking pee-oh... and the fucking street-light... This place is a death-trap of anxieties and stress! - Anyway... the day was sunny, at least. And the sun gave nice warmth to Yonah's room where he and I passed the ENTIRE DAY, TOGETHER! I worked on that list of “Toxins and Toxic Plants” to post on his web-site. I had to type them all in and then “code”, but the page looks good and it's a great resource and reference. And after working on something I called a “Quick Reference” page... well, I see today, that it's all on the “Contents” page in the “Care” segment! I wasted a LOT of time for nothing! BUT... at day's end.. it's all done and loaded and running live on-line and that's what matters. Whether anybody finds the site and uses it is another issue. But it's there. And too, Yonah's Journal... so I take comfort in that much. (I'll have to work on “promoting” it some-how... I've been pondering a “social media” account, or more than one, for Yonah. I just have this “trepidation” against it. Social media can be “good”... as it's been to clear the negative “results” on a “search” for my name. But it can be a brutally violent “place”. And one slight “off comment” about Yonah and... well... I don't have the constitution for tolerance these days. So I'll just “wait and see” about that. There are other ways... I just want people who are in the situation I was in almost a year ago to have a point of reference... not so much for them but for OTHER mourning doves... AND the “little ones” in this fucked-up world! As I said to the “MD”: As I was once told... we become Nurses because our lives are irreparably ruined so we spend our time trying to fix the lives of others.” Well? I don't give a shit about people any longer... but I'll be damned if I'll sit quietly as “people” destroy the “little ones”!) - AND... it was such a delight... as I sat at the work table today, Yonah took a “dip in the pool”! I'm ALWAYS THRILLED to see him do that. I keep thinking of all the birds in cages that I've ever seen over the course of my life... in homes and stores... NEVER a little place where the birds can splash about! Honestly... the inconsideration of people. Then again, putting that into a bird's “house” requires attention and effort and a bit of “work”, to maintain it, keep it clean... “People”... shits that they are, can't and couldn't and won't and wouldn't be bollocksed! And, of course, it would only lead to the poor birds getting sick... suffering... and dying. So... no matter how you shake it, maybe it's for the better. I'm just in such a “Hate Humanity” mood these days. (It's no wonder I keep trying to find reasons... not just “excuses”... for not leaving the house... EVER! Just the thought of needing to step out makes me physically sick! Truly... Actually.) - Thankfully, all day, nobody came round to the door, too the house, and I didn't have to be fucked by that thing next door either. It was just Yonah and I, in his room, all day. I'd thought of going to the meadow at John O.'s for grasses for nesting for Yonah... and to the river for water... and other things... and I did NONE of them! Probably for the best. So Yonah and I had a quiet day together... no “people”... WONDERFUL! - BUT... the day went by ENTIRELY TOO FUCKING QUICKLY AGAIN! When I looked up and saw 15.00 on the clock... by then, I think of the day as being “done” now. So, at 16.00, I threw the rest of the borscht into a pot on the hob, added “Italian Mix” veggies... and to that, broke “angel hair” into smaller pieces and let that cook... and called it “meal”. And I couldn't manage to eat all of what I'd cooked... so there's just a little bit left for tomorrow... I'll have to add something to it but... there it is anyway. Yes, a bit of ice cream after... and I have to get to market for more of that... DAMNIT! But... there we have it. - And so... the day rolled away from us and the house started to darken... TOO EARLY! I'm trying to remember how I managed the lighting with Yonah last year. I don't want to mess with his “clock” and sleep-time, but it IS getting dark earlier now and it will be doing so even earlier as the days pass. But tonight, my LITTLE GUY was tucked-in by about 19.30! I “changed” the water in his pool twice this evening because, well, between his bath and the seeds that get scattered in there, it needed it. But I NEVER MIND DOING ANYTHING TO MAKE HIS HOUSE SAFE AND KEEP HIS WATER CLEAN! I just resent the limited time we have together! - And, at 20.10 I grabbed the “nightly pills”... with the thoughts of getting into bed/futon by 21.30... HAH! FUCK ME! LIKE THAT EVER WORKS OUT! - Oh... BEFORE GETTING TO TONIGHT'S “QI”, I HIT Bamazoom to shop for... spices in particular, but the bag of “Basmati” was at a bit of a “lower” price and since I have a LOT on the FS card... I SHOPPED FOR ALMOST 80$ in seasonings and rice! BUT, when I'd done... the FS bal. showed 266! WHAT? I'm losing the ability to keep track of WTAF is going on with all these “agencies”! (I just wish the medical shit was understandable!) Oh well... At least I've got things like turmeric and cumin coming... almost in bulk, because that was the only way to order it, but... it's that much less I have to think about... and it MIGHT be here by Friday... and I won't have to DRIVE to find empty shelves in the market (the new wave of “panic-shopping” has already begun and the shelves in the stores have been almost empty for MONTHS already... I see an extremely bleak future... about to roll in and roll over us all! it's at this time I'm grateful for having been “Homeless” for so many times and such lengths in my life-time. As Oma said about the “Depression”: those who had the most lost the most; me? I'm used to this bull-shit... I don't LIKE it but... at this juncture, it doesn't come as a “surprise”... I HATE PEOPLE! I TRULY DO!) - 22.20 Would you just look at this! Seems “22.30” is about the ONLY time I actually DO get to close a day! OK. But tonight, again, I'm off to the FUTON! AND, as always, with the nightly anxieties of expecting to be awake... every 90 minutes-2 hours... and the 2 hours is only IF I'm fortunate enough to get a fucking 2 hours of what I've come to expect as “sleep”... for all the good or not it is. I HATE this fucking shit-box! And I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.. I'm NEVER “looking forward to tomorrow”... (One thing this week is not having smokes for some days... Gee... Thanks “Nance”... for being just another “leech”. She's passed by the house so many times... “toot-toot”... IF she actually wanted to pay for ANY of the work she got done, she'd stop... it's obvious... just another entitled leech. Oh, but I can find them!) Anyway... DAY'S DONE... AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT IN THE COMPANY OF THE BESTEST LOVE A LIFE COULD HAVE... YONAH!
Mon.27.Sep:13.41 It's been another “slow” sort of day. Cloudy. Damp. Drizzly. Chilly in the house. And all I want to do is “snooze”. And Yonah's been in and out of his house, which is “encouraging”, but he's still “Stand-off-ish”... no cuddles, smooches. I JUST got him to go back into his house to eat an he's been eating quite well for a while. He's hungry but once out, is SO hesitant to go back to eat! And he's a bit “fluffed”. The radiator is still on from last night. It's 22,6° in his room. It's a bit more chilly in the rest of the house but... I have the fleece on. It's a “heavy” sort of day for me. And I still want to get some sort of “lighting” set-up for him for these dreary days. I jut don't have the energy. And being down to about 7 smokes... well... I just had an OLD re-smoke and it REALLY hit my chest. Oh well... I've been through worse, I suppose. - And this morning? I got the second round of 500° on the last of the recent sand done. - But for most of the MORNING... That shit-qunt (“Crystal”) had been POUNDING the “towel dispenser” ALL FUCKING MORNING! LAST NIGHT I NOTICED THAT THE “SCROLL” I HAVE HANGING ON THE WALL OF THAT “LOO ALCOVE” IN THE LIVING-ROOM IS TILTED! AND SHE'S USING *MY* HOT WATER! FUCK THIS PLACE! JUST FUCK THIS PLACE! NO MATTER HOW I HAVE TO DO IT, ONCE I FIND ANOTHER PLACE... YONAH AND I ARE OUT OF THIS HELL! - But I've gotten this Journal caught-up. No going out for water at the river after this morning's rains. No “grasses” either, since they're wet. Oh well. - Today's post brought the latest “Medicare” up-date book. What a fuck that all is. But it appears the “CT” that's supposed to be coming (IF the fucking Skype number rings!) is covered because of the nature... “CA R/O”, so... we shall see. - I want a snooze... may as well... and then I'll go see if there are any “good” 2x4s in the garage and get to work on Yonah's lighting... - I'm restless... and annoyed (as usual). Ah... - BUT... I'm with Yonah and Yonah is here and healthy and his feathers are coming in nicely... and his food is healthy, his water is clean. And he's the MOST important matter in my existence. - But this day is passing by too quickly!!! - 15.58 I gave up and gave in and... went to the cup-board... and into the 5s... and managed to SAVE the OLD ones... ignored the OLD “20” and... got a pack of smokes and broke it down to cover until and through Friday! HEY! Better than the “re-smoke” I had this morning! To be sure, to be sure. - Poor Casey... Corp. cut the hours for her staff, they're sending her ALL over the place, thankfully, pretty much “local” but still. Cutting hours? Honestly! She agreed: they're cutting peoples' lives! But nobody seems to care. And they still have the “We're Hiring”! Oh, and then, as she and I are standing and talking, some old shit comes over, puts his stuff up on the counter, pushing t he “Next Register” sign aside! She took it calmly... and then he THREW the money on the counter! Nope. I REALLY CAN'T go back to work... not in retail anyway! FUCKING SHIT-SACKS! - But stopped at the market, since I was out, and got some stuff and was able to briefly chat with Anne. “HEY SUN-SHINE!” she called! And then asked how I'm doing these days! I'm... it's such a welcome relief to see GOOD people any more. - Sad though... time away from Yonah who, when I walked back in, went for a nosh and I GOT A PECK! HE'S LOOKING MUCH BETTER AND IT SEEMS HE'S FEELING JUST SLIGHTLY BETTER! Not his usual self but better. - And now... it's already time to throw “meal” together and the day is practically gone and I didn't get much of anything worth mentioning done. I seriously don't know WHERE the time in a day goes any more! Sure, the days get shorter as we grow older but THESE days are REALLY getting entirely TOO short... I'm not “THAT” old but it's almost as if a “day” is merely about 4 hours long! What's coming? And when? THIS CAN'T BE! - OK... I just have to get along now. If I think about it, I'll have myself collapsing with worry. - PS: No... no word on the “CT”. No news is good news... as 'tis said. I guess it's not an “emergency”. Although, with medicine these days, the more serious, the more they push it aside. So? So... As long as I'm here JUST past Yonah... That's all I care about. (And he's toddling along his perches... MY BABE! MY LIFE!) -20.36 This lap-top is shit tonight... keys seem to have minds of their own! Anyway...
NOW... A * NEWS FLASH * !!! AT 19.31 I'D DONE THE EVENING ROUTINE, WATERS AND KITCHEN-ROLL CHANGED, YONAH'S HOUSE WAS ALL SETTLED FOR THE NIGHT BUT TONIGHT, I PUT HIS “NATURAL SPECTRUM” LIGHT ON... AT ABOUT 18.45 BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE MIGHT ENJOY A BIT OF LIGHT FOR A WHILE LONGER, CONSIDERING IT WAS SUCH A DREARY DAY. I WENT TO THE KITCHEN TO SORT THROUGH SOME PHOTOS AND VIDEOS (posted to his “Portfolio”) AND AS I WORKED ALONG IN A QUIET HOUSE I HEARD... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”.... AND THEN ANOTHER “woo-Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” !!! HE HASN'T “CALLED” IN WHAT FEELS LIKE WEEKS, EVER SINCE HIS MOULTING STARTED !!! HE WAS READY TO GO “SEEPIE-NIGH-NIGHT” AND WAS CALLING TO LET ME KNOW !!! MY LITTLE GUY'S COMING BACK! HE'S LOOKING VERY WELL! With the new feathers on his fore-head, I told him today “You look like a new Marine with a buzz-cut! SO HANDSOME!” AND YES, IT IS A GRAND RELIEF TO SEE THOSE FEATHERS COMING IN! BUT TO HEAR HIM CALL AGAIN WAS LIKE A GRAND SYMPHONY TO MY CORE! HE'S COMING THROUGH THIS LITTLE “HORROR” AND WE ARE COMING THROUGH IT TOGETHER! THAT'S MY LITTLE GUY! MY LOVE! MY HEART! MY SOUL! MY BEING! MY BABE! MY ALL!
But his site is ALL current now... and I'm annoyed because the time just went by to fucking FAST! I took night pills at 20.22! So I'm here for a while. BUT... I'll be in “futon” by 22.30 and HOPE for fucking sleep! - Oh... had a chat with the thing next door today... I told her of my sleep and how I'm about to hit the town of Elizabethtown with the local... news, government and feds! Now... let's see how THAT plays out! Fuck! - I've not time or energy right now... off to QI and then... FUCK THIS DAY TOO! - Oh... and the “Governess” is FIRING HOSPITAL STAFF TODAY... ALL THIS “VACCINE” SHIT! YEAH... THIS GOVERNMENT IS OUT TO MURDER! AND THEY'LL GET AWAY WITH IT TOO... NAZI GERMANY PART II. I don't give a fuck... as long as Yonah's OK. - 22.20 again... Imagine that... I'm OFF! The lights are next... And another night with MY GUY! (Let's hope for sleep... for both of us!)
Tue.28.Sep:
***********************************************************************
8.49 As expected, I woke several times through the night, though, for the most part, I DID manage to get sleep. No contractions... I went to “futon” with the back brace on again. It's probably not the best idea. I can't help but think that there's some sort of “weak muscle” in the back now and that brace is giving support, which is nice, serves the purpose, but does nothing to strengthen the muscle. Then too, I've NO doubt that my spine has a lot to do with pinched nerves... ah... I'll live with the reminders of the shit-years of the shit-hole that is “Vermont”. BUT... I slept... and when I woke to see “6.00” I felt rested enough to get up and strike-out at the day! And so, it's been so since. - The kitchen table cloth is washed and on the line, morning internet is almost complete. Coffee done and had. I'm dressed. Birds in the yard have breakfast. The last batch of Yonah's sand has had it's last “baking”. And Yonah is up and about... rather late. - When I woke this morning and was on the way out of his room, he gave a few quiet “hoo's” but I felt he'd benefit from a bit more rest, especially since he's still in the “moulting”. So I went about my business and at 8.00, went in for “morning routine”... Done. And today, it's supposed to be grey, so I put his “Natural Spectrum” light on (and I'm about to hit the garage for a 2x4... I'll make the “post” for a light for him, and when I can, I'll get the rest of the parts and make something better for him for that). He seems MUCH better this morning... has eaten VERY well, and I even got SMOOCHES !!! These are difficult days... for both of us. But it appears that the “worst” is passing. My heart is lightened because of that. - And in other news, I need to make bread and boil some eggs for Yonah (and, for me, I suppose). I want to get his “light” going, and I might work on the legs for a kitchen table... it depends on how much energy I can muster for the rest of this day. - 8.58 and the Pee-Oh Qunt has arrived... BANG! FUCK! - And I want to get into the “window blinds”... looking, searching... preparatory shopping. They HAVE to come soon! I'm still boiling over all of this bull-shit. And yesterday, in the “chat” with the thing next door, Mayor McFuktwat came over and in that little exchange, I managed to throw in a “Well, I've been with-out a stove for almost 2 years so I wouldn't count on him being too prompt about anything.” Ms. Vtrash made a comment about one of the tree limbs being too close to the drive. Something about “ploughing” come Winter (though I'm sure it's more a matter of her spore driving through and parking there). Ah... these people... “people”. - I'm just in a foul mood where “people” are concerned, this morning. So much horrific “news” already. But I keep thinking of Oma and Opa and the relatives in Germany during WWII... being in remote villages... and as supplies and such diminish, I remember my own days... in the VW, surviving on mid-night raids of the A&P, cottage cheese... and he shelter, and Tilden and... I don't like it, I didn't really like it then, but... Today I have Yonah and HIS safety and well-being are tantamount... and my well-being is essential so that I can provide ALL of his needs. And THAT is ALL I give a shit about today. - So, on that... off to the Internet and then... to the rest of the day... whilst I'm able. And the rest of the world? Off to their Hell... with the lot! - 11.01 Bread's on the rise. There's a 2x4 in the living-room waiting to be cut... THE 4X4s THAT USED TO BE IN THE GARAGE ARE GONE! SO MUCH FOR THE KITCHEN TABLE! FUCK! NANCY DROVE BY AS I WAS COMING OUT OF THE GARAGE AND HAD THE AUDACITY TO “WRITE A CHEQUE”... FOR 30$ THIS TIME... AND FOLLOWED ME BACK TO THE HOUSE, BROUGHT THE CHEQUE IN AND LEFT IT ON THE PLANT TABLE. AND... WELL... I LET HER HAVE IT “ALL” WITH MY DISGUST, ON THE FRONT PORCH, ALOUD! FROM THE SHITS ACROSS THE ROAD TO THE STREET LIGHT AND THE STOVE AND THE MASS-HOLE AND... WELL... AS I SAID, I DON'T HAVE A “HOME” AND I'M LOOKING AT VERMONT TO MOVE BACK TO (to which she replied “Oh, that's not good.”) THEN SHE SAYS, AS SHE GETS BACK INTO THE CAR “Well, I feel better now.” FUCK! And so, it's all in the open now... and GOOD! - Meanwhile, the rent is ready to be posted-off tomorrow night and to Hell with the rest of it. - Eggs on the “hahdberl” and I need to get a light for Yonah... Other than that? They can ALL fucking ROT! - And I WAS in a “civil” sort of mood this morning. “Well, I feel better now.” -19.02 Yonah is tucked-in for the night and appearing to be mostly OK. He was looking SO 'tragic” this after-noon that I broken into tears... and then, pulled the 2x4, went next door to “notify” that I'd be sawing and got back later than expected, of course. But, to occupy my head with other things, I got to splitting the 2x4 so that much toward Yonah's light is done. -
*********************************************************************************
**********************************************************************
********************************************************
NOW... LET ME THROW THIS IN HERE... TODAY, THE TRUCK INSURANCE BILL CAME (e-mail):
175,70 DUE ON THE 2nd NOVEMBER... NOT THE 3rd... THE 2nd! WHICH MEANS IT HAS TO COME OUT OF THIS CHEQUE ON SUNDAY! ALONG WITH THE RENT, AND ALL THE OTHER REGULAR EXPENSES! NOW, PUTTING 200 ASIDE TO TAKE YONAH TO THE DOCTOR (DOCTOR FEES AND TRAVEL)... THE “BUDGET FORECAST” AT THIS MOMENT, WITH NOTHING “OTHER” THAN YONAH'S MEDICAL... ***** -30,41 ***** IF I TAKE THE MEDICAL OUT AND JUST PUT IN FOR BLINDS FOR YONAH'S WINDOWS AGAINST THE STREET-LIGHT... AT 100... 69,59 TO “LIVE ON” FOR THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER. ***** FIVE WEEKS ***** UNTIL THE NEXT INCOME (AND AT THE RATE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS RUNNING, THERE'S NO GUARANTEE THAT OCTOBER'S MONEY WILL COME, NEVER MIND NOVEMBER'S !!!) AND I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN “SPLIT”... AND THIS BUDGET IS PAYING THE “DISCOUNT” PRICE FOR THE GAS! AND... TONIGHT, THE “LOW” IN THE FORECAST IS FOR 5° WHICH MEANS IT'LL BE ABOUT 2 OR 3° AND AS I SIT HERE, THE HOUSE IS GROWING “CHILLED” ALREADY. IT'S NOT ONLY THE LITTLE PLANS OF A LIGHT FOR YONAH, DOCTOR FOR YONAH, BLINDS FOR BOTH OF US THAT ARE COMPLETELY OBLITERATED, IT'S THE ***** 5 WEEKS ***** LIVING ON 13,91/WEEK !!! AH... AND HEATING? OIL PRICES ARE UP AGAIN, THERE'S MORE TALK ABOUT THEM GOING EVEN HIGHER EVER-SO SOON. OH-OH-OH-OH... AND ON FRIDAY MORNING AT 8.30 I HAVE THAT “CT” SCAN !!!
********************************************************
**********************************************************************
*********************************************************************************
My brain is shutting down even as I type this... because there really is NOTHING I can do to change this. I mean, I can't even get a little job any more... with all of this “covid” bull-shit! So? So... here we go. Something's about to be taken away... it won't be the housing... that's for certain (unless the Fed fucks with Social Security). There's about to be a default in something... and I'm not sure what... Although I might be able to “delay” the electric, but I need that for the heat... I don't think they can cut it for one “late” payment, especially now that the colder weather is coming in but it's not “That Season” yet. The loan? I MIGHT be able to work something out with that. But no matter what or how... SOMETHING isn't going to go right. My first thought it to TRY to get Geico to move one day ahead... from the 2nd to the 3rd... then that would come out of November's income which would be “fair” because HEAP will be coming in then. And THAT would be a GREAT help this month. I don't know what the banque could on the loan... and to think... it's been paid EARLY all this time. I think I'll call them just to see... but I'm not counting on anything. Even if they could half the payments... or half this one and the next... I don't know. The truck insurance is what REALLY threw it all off. But the truth is... I've not necessarily been through worse, but I've been through THIS before... But now I have YONAH... and NOTHING is going to make HIS life even slightly uncomfortable! (And to think... I wanted to get him more food this time! Thankfully, he's got plenty for another month or more... but still...) - Well? Here we go... HERE WE GO! BUT HEY! There's a futon in Yonah's room... a radiator... AND YONAH... and we can “camp together” for a while! At least now me being in the room isn't “foreign”... I just have to make sure I keep quiet! AND... hope for NO reason to have to leave his room... like “contractions” or coughing or shit like that. - Well... for now... it's 19.29, dark, Yonah's tucked-in. The house is in order. Got Hoovered and the kitchen got mopped after all the sawing... so there's that. I'll take the 20.00 pills, a quick shower (necessary) and off to bed... Tomorrow's only Wednesday... though it's the 29th and tomorrow night the rent cheque goes out and I hold my breath... Ah... we shall see... we shall see... I can't lose sleep over it... GOD KNOWS I DON'T HAVE ANY SLEEP TO LOSE IN THIS SHIT-BOX! AND I HAVE TO GET THOSE LETTERS OUT ABOUT THAT LIGHT! WELL... tomorrow I'll “sand” a bit for Yonah's light (Nancy's cheque?) and get that together too... AFTER calling to see what can be done with the bills... The worst? They all say “Fuck off!” I've “asked” before... I'll ask again. At least I have 2 years of “good payments” on the important shit, so it's not like I'm a “slacker” or, as Silas said “shirking”. FUCK! - 20.26 DID IT! Insurance is fine being paid on the 3rd November! I'd contacted them via phone, and that put me on-line with a “live chat” with “Shannon”! OMFG! I asked to have the “due date” for November changed to the 3rd... she changed ALL the due dates to the 3rd and THEN changed the NEXT date to OCTOBER! When I almost had a heart attack, she changed it all back and said that I have a 10-14 day “grace” and paying on the 3rd is FINE! OMFG! BUT... MY FUCKING RATES WENT UP 10$ BECAUSE.... there's a 5$ “Law Enforcement Fee” in NYS !!! FUCKING QUNT... “GOVERNOR”... AND... BECAUSE THERE'S BEEN AN INCREASE IN CLAIMS IN THE AREA !!! I WONDER... THE LED LIGHTS? FUCK FUCK FUCK! I'M PISSED NOW! TO BE SURE! BUT... at least I can take the insurance off THIS month's budget and re-work Yonah's doctor... which is ANOTHER THING... I PHONE “NEAR” TODAY AND LEFT ANOTHER MESSAGE ASKING ABOUT A TRUST-WORTHY VET IN THE AREA. WELL... IF I DON'T GET A RESPONSE THIS TIME... YONAH AND I ARE ON OUR OWN, I'LL TRY THE “QUEENSBURY” VET BUT I'LL MAKE SURE TO “NOTE”... ON-LINE, THE NONSENSE ABOUT THAT “NEAR” BULL-SHIT... “CARE”? DOESN'T LOOK THAT WAY NOW, TO ME. - ANYWAY... ONE FIASCO DOWN... NOW, ON TO THE NEXT! - I've taken the 20.00 pills. It's 20.55... I'm into tomorrow's smokes already... QI and FUTON! I've HAD IT! - Tomorrow... I get to work on Yonah's new LAMP! And the world can fuck itself raw! - 22.18 Squeaking by with 2 minutes! Day's done! Off to (hopefully) a night's rest... WITH MY LITTLE GUY!
Wed.29.Sep: 6.49 and 6°. RAN THE FURNACE AND THE HOUSE STINKS OF OIL !!! Feeling nauseated... but it's not just the “fumes”... it's the whole of the situation... the money, the oil, the heating, the bills, the lights, the house, the people... LIFE. THE ONLY SALVATION... YONAH. And we slept very well through the night... well, at least I believe we did. And I woke, of my own, at about 5.00, got up, pee'ed, went back to try to sleep a bit longer and by about 5.30-ish, just got up and... here I am, dressed and the flag is up, breakfast out back is served... coffee at hand and the day is rolling. “Rolling”... like a steam-roller. And there's that “sensation” in the left ear this morning. Forecast: rain and 13° for the “high”. Ah... here we go here we go here we go! Well? Oh, and an un-dated cheque for 30$ sitting here, payable to “cash”. I doubt I'll be able to do anything with it. Not, mind, that it “helps” anything, really. I have to figure how to make Yonah's “new lighting” stand. I didn't consider the height and the weight/bulk. Oh well... something to “occupy the mind”. And this morning I woke thinking of the new “FedLoan” switch. They're dropping everything and there's to be a “new service provider”.... I've NO doubt, at all, that THAT'S going to put MORE pressure on things. I've NO doubt that they'll come after what-ever they can get their hands on and that that will be a LARGE percentage of what-ever I might have. And this government doesn't give me ANY consolation. And it bugs me that MY insurance on the truck rises because of “increased claims in your area”! Fuck these people! Really! WHERE? WHO? “It's nothing you did as a driver.” Yeah? I increased my coverage... increased my premiums... and never made a “claim”... I'm just feeling “hateful” this morning... What a delightful way to start a day. - But... there's Yonah... and his lamp... and us... him... me... and the rest of them can take a shit, eat it and die. Charming start to the day. Eh? Oh well... - Thankfully the furnace stopped... the little radiator is on in the living-room. Hopefully I'll be able to get the fumes out of the house... I don't want Yonah breathing them! This house is dragging my mood down. - Well... tonight I'll drop the rent cheque in the box... and now, I'll hit the internet and then get to work on the letters of RAGE to go out... New month... “Onward Buttercup! There's fuckery to spread!” Charming... fuck. - 16.25 WELL! INDEED! THE HOUSE IS BACK IN ORDER... AND ALL THE “PARTS” FOR YONAH'S NEW LAMP ARE SANDED AND CUT AND READY TO BE ASSEMBLED... tomorrow. I'm quite rather exhausted! And THAT is my “accomplishment” for TODAY! I took the “pole” out to the back gallery and gave it a “cleaning sanding” with the belt sander, at about 13.00... and that's when it all started. Then, cut the “hanging” parts which was BY HAND... along the length... which was a pain in the parts (and back). The jig wouldn't cut it so I did it with the hand-saw. Then, cut the “foot” pieces, which I'm HOPING will be sufficient to hold the thing up-right. And I even tapered the ends of those. Ah... Oooh... what-ever. And, of course, Hoover and mop and... meal is on the boil. I NEED A SHOWER TONIGHT THOUGH! STINK! WOO AND WHOA ! TO BE SURE! - And tonight, the rent goes into the blue box for tomorrow. Crystal is training the new “old thing” to run that shit-box. I say no more... no more. - And Nancy's cheque is still here and I'm pondering and considering. No doubt, a pack of smokes and the rest goes to Yonah's lamp. And after that? With November's “budget”? Screwed. But... Yonah will have a lamp! And that's all that matters. - Poor Yonah... no music, no birds... just me, making noise all day. But I have reason and cause to believe that he was relieved. And his “light” is on now... It was a grey day... and I'm doing all I can to make sure that the temperature in his room doesn't drop below 21°! As for the rest of the house... I have the furnace set at “60F” and thankfully... it hasn't run all day. I don't know WHAT the temperature is, in the house, because I worked-up a sweat. But... WE HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH OCTOBER! SOME-HOW! I DREAD IT BUT... WE DID IT LAST YEAR... WE CAN DO IT AGAIN THIS YEAR... I HOPE. - AND IN THE NEWS ON-LINE... I LOOKED-UP THIS YEARS “COLA” AND THERE'S MENTION THAT A “MEDICARE” INCREASE WILL BE TAKING THE WHOLE FUCKING THING! YEP... STORY OF MY FUCKING LIFE! WELL... JUST SO LONG AS IT DOESN'T TAKE ANY MORE THAN THAT... BUT, I TRUST THIS FUCKING REGIME WE HAVE NOW TO SEE TO IT THAT COLA AND MORE COME OUT OF THE SOC.SEC.! OH, HOW MY HEART YEARNS FOR AN OUT-RIGHT “JUNTA”! THE TIME IS... But I daren't say. - FUCK! - So... “meal” to come and then... “Evening Routine” for Yonah... pills at 20.00... A SHOWER... and to FUTON! (I could almost skip right to futon now but...) - I just hope that I'll be up and about at 5.00 on Friday... “CT day”. And with the new “shortage”, Nurses quitting all over the place before being sacked by “the regime”... This doesn't bode well. What-the-fuck-ever. - In SO many ways now... Yonah and I are on our own. - Were it not for him... “BDM” and “away we go”! - 19.53 WOW! Another day just slipped by! Yonah's tucked-in, the house is settled. I had meal and was completely done, even with the washing-up and dishes put up by about 17.40 tonight! (3 franks, veggies and some pasta and a bit of ice cream... ALL done, start to finish...) AND YONAH'S JOURNAL IS POSTED ON-LINE too! - Earlier, when I went to drop the rent into the blue box, I opened the door to see Glen and Nell out front! Nell was holding a corner of the flag and asked “What is it?” So when I told her and mention the “Patriot” party, she dropped the corner of the flag, stepped back and said:
“When I hear the word 'patriot' I think of a big, fat, heavily-tattooed White man!”
My calm reply: “”That's why we have the distinction between 'ignorant' and 'stupid'.”
She chuckled and I explained and even got into the local politicians. She asked if “Elise” couldn't fix the situation I have with the street light (after I told her “I haven't slept in my bed since the 16th! And am on a 90-minute sleep-cycle because of it.” I told her “They all think it's a joke!” She AND Glen asked if I'd spoken with the Town Supervisor. I told them of the e-mail and the replacement of the light and, well... Glen said he's phoned the Supervisor and spoken with him, directly. Yeah? Well... Bollocks! And bull-shit and I'm sticking with my planned “blitz”! Anyway, they're back to travelling between here and NJ again and are leaving again... probably for the Winter. Oh fine. “See you when we get back.” said Nell. (Me? I hope I'm not here then... I HOPE I'm in a nice, solitary little place... with Yonah... in peace.)
In other news... Yonah's tucked-in. Today's “events” with him are on his Journal. I'm looking forward to drilling and assembling his light-post tomorrow... and I'll toddle into town to see if that cheque is any good. Hopefully they'll clear it right away... though I'm not planning on it. We'll see. If so, I'll check at Aubuchon's for the lamp and wiring. If it's not “too” costly (there), I'll get it right away. Other-wise... on-line tomorrow evening. - But for tonight, 20.09, pills taken... a quick QI... SHOWER and FUTON! I almost took a snooze earlier when I went in to chat with Yonah but caught myself. I want to keep this 5 or 6.00 “rise time”! I'll NEED it on Friday! - Oh... 7° tonight... 12 for tomorrow's “high”. I hope I don't need the furnace in the morning! - 21.40 Off to the shower as the temperature out-side drops to about 7°. Oh... jolly! (Fuck)
Thu.30.Sep: 6.41 End of another month. And though, at times during this month, it's felt like it dragged, September just whirled away! October... Tomorrow! Oh, may THAT one go by quickly so that we can get OIL for the furnace. And may it be a “kind” October... temperature-wise. But it won't. Silly me. 31 days, of course. And THIS year, because I'm more concerned about Yonah... we'll resort to “the old days” of snow... no doubt. - But... I did get that shower last night, put on the “sweats”, because the scrubs need to be laundered, and went directly to futon! Moments later... it was 6.13 this morning, my eyes opened... Yonah's room had that “cold wave” some-how, so I got up, came to the kitchen, closing his door to keep the heat in there, and I'm sitting here, at table, breakfast served in the yard, flag up... and, oddly (or not), my chest feels “strapped”, or “full” this morning. Tightness in the throat. “Anxiety”? It must be because, if it were anything “worse”, I'm pretty sure SOME-THING would have been mentioned by Dr. Duck. (Quack). It's a shame, really, how little “trust” I have in any of them any more. Ah... but “trust”... As I thought last night, in the shower, where all the best “thinking” takes place, I trusted Cobert because Paul recommended him... and indeed, I DID trust Cobert. And Berenberg... well, I don't recall how I came to see him, but I trusted Barry, because he trusted me! I trusted them to be honest and forth-right. But then, in those days, we (I) had very good “insurance”, and they didn't charge to make their lives wonderful an our lives debt-burdened. They were doctors who WANTED to HELP. Today, they're “doctors” because the income is comfortable, insurance is shit, and fees are... well... at the point where one wishes one could just die, quickly. “Life”, means nothing. But I really shouldn't think such things. I don't actually KNOW that Demuro is one of those. I don't “KNOW” this to be so. I've seen that the “folks” at the abattoir aren't the “professional” sort. It's all just a “job”, no more or less serious than working at a corner deli, or a Walmarde. And having to “DO” is an inconvenience. Ah... alas... oh well... We'll see and learn more... tomorrow. (Anxiety? Tomorrow? What-ever.) - And this morning, I woke from some sort of “dream”... though it doesn't make much sense, if any at all:
I was with some fellow “employees” of a business that wasn't clear, but is was “office” work of sorts. Banque, or something of the kind. A woman/gal/co-worker... not really “friend”, but something of the sort that I considered “LC” in later years, or “Nancy H.”. There was something to do with “bees” or “hornets” that had to be avoided and that I was expected to get rid of for the rest of them. And we were in a sort of “under-ground shopping mall”. They were all on their way to “church”, or a service for some kind of “Christian-based” religious holiday and as a group from the office made their way to the “church”, which was located down a corridor off the main of this “shopping mall”, the companion and I were discussing, though almost mindlessly, how I wasn't “welcome” in that “church”, and shouldn't come along. I, some-how, understood it to be connected with/to some kind of “vaccination” or another, some sort of “health threat”. They “were”... I was not. I wasn't “one of them” and there-fore really wasn't even to be allowed into the place they were going. It wasn't an issue of “hostility” and I was, frankly, relieved, because I didn't believe in nor support their “following”... blindly... as a matter of “faith”, as it were. And as we approached the “entrance corridor” to their destination, I was almost “told”, by this female co-worker/companion that, when they'd done with their service/meeting, I'd best have the “hornet” situation remedied or chances were that I'd be fired from the company. And this is the point where I woke.
Yesterday, on the “news”, the report that “Dollar Tree”, the company that took-over or merged with “FamDoll” has reported that they're raising their “dollar limit” on prices to 1,25 and 1,50 because of the cost of merchandise. “Fox” made a point of it because “When Dollar Tree raises prices, you KNOW things are bad.” Inflation is grabbing at the throat now. (I DREAD this year's heating expenses... and I'm prepping me for another “plea” with the electric company... I wonder if/WHEN that “law” about not cutting service in the cold will be revoked, and in this state, with this so-called “governor”, with what she's already pulled on people... including new “fines” and other such, and the threat of DOUBLING taxes, especially on smokes, I wouldn't be, won't be surprised when it does happen. I expect oil to be upwards of 4$/gallon and HEAP to be down-wards of about 600$ total. Then comes the electric rate increase. I've already gotten the increase in insurance on the truck. The report I read yesterday where-by, any increase in Soc.Sec. will be taken by the increase in Medicare. FS increased but the cost of food has done also. And this talk of raising “minimum wage” to 26$/h. What my mind won't accept is that there are SO MANY who WON'T understand the “chain” of all of this and, well... frankly, this is a time in a situation where, living here, in a small community, is detrimental... because the ignorance, stupidity, mental retardation becomes so much more obvious. (Ah... there's Dan though... HE, apparently, understands it and HE's dealing with a HOUSE... mortgage and the likes! So technically and in reality, no, I'm not “alone”, surround by these moronic dolts. I have to keep that in mind. The notion that Dan would look for extra income... Though he's in that house, there's no “space” really, to rent. And I'd be right back to 5225 and 5199... and NO, I do NOT want to go back to that! No privacy. And I see that Dan is one to have the TV going, even when he's not around. Although it might be simply for the sound of another voice. I don't know. And there's “HUD” and the likes and I could certainly go for that. But will that decrease my medical coverage, FS, other such? It MIGHT help with the threat of that Student Loan situation... and THAT, I expect to be a battle-coming.) - Oh... “morning”... anxieties... it's another “insurance” bruhahah, (or “baruch habah”, as it actually it... but not... because NONE of this has a “baruch”, to be sure.) - In other worlds... today, we'll assemble the “floor lamp” for Yonah... and I'll hope that the cheque will go into the banque as “cash” and it would be nice to be able to get most, if not all of the lamp made today... for Yonah. But... it's 7.17 now... too early to know. And there are a few items I ought to get at market today. - At least I'm “clean” this morning... and will shower again, tonight, before “futon” which will be at what's come to be the “normal” hour because tomorrow... I'll HAVE to be up and about by not later than 6.00! Oh well... at least tomorrow morning is just a “slide through” a machine. I don't look forward to it, but there it is. As Demuro said, they'll call with the results... I'll be in... through and out. And I won't be “chit-chatty” with them... to be sure. - Now? Another coffee and to the loo... There's a slight “chill” to the house this morning but thankfully, nothing intolerable. How it will be today, will be knowing tonight, when it's been done. Other-wise, can't control the weather but I can control my perception of it... - And I have to make sure Yonah is comfy! “Morning routine” next! .-
10.49 AND “NEXT” IT IS... I DROVE INTO TOWN TO THE CU, ASKED ABOUT CASHING OR DEPOSITING NANCY CHEQUE... THEY COULDN'T ACCEPT IT BECAUSE IT WASN'T DATED! SO... I DROVE BACK TO THE HOUSE, PARKED AT THE KITCHEN, FACING “UP” AND OUT, CAME IN, BLUE PEN... HAD TO BE *BLUE* BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE SHIT-SACK USED. DATED THE CHEQUE AND GOT BACK INTO THE TRUCK. AH... BRAKE, SHIFT TO DRIVE... *** KLUNK *** AND THE TRUCK PEELE-OUT OF THE DRIVE !!! ODD... YES... BUT... I GET INTO TOWN AND THE BRAKE PEDAL SINKS TO THE FLOOR ! THE BRAKE LIGHT COMES ON !!! NO FUCKING BRAKES !!! SO... INTO THE BANQUE, DEPOSIT THE CHEQUE, THANKFULLY AS CASH... OFF TO FAMDOLL FOR SMOKES... I'D WANTED TO GO TO MARKET BUT... NOPE... CHATTED WITH BETSY ABOUT “VAX”. SHE'S ANOTHER “NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!” AND INTO THE TRUCK TO RICHIE... HE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT THE TRUCK UNTIL... NEXT FRIDAY! SO TOMORROW... I HAVE A CT SCAN AT 8.30... NO BRAKES !!! THIS IS GOING TO BE INTERESTING, TO BE SURE. AND RICHIE'S “CONSOLING” ME... GIVING “TIPS”. SAYS “I'VE DRIVEN AROUND WITH *NO* BRAKES FOR MILES...!” SO... AND THE ESTIMATED COST? ANY-WHERE FROM ABOUT 200-400$! WHEN I FINISH JUST THE MONTHLY EXPENSES... I BARELY HAVE 400$! BUT AS IT STANDS NOW... WITH THIS BUDGET... I'LL BE “LIVING” ON 45$ FOR FIVE WEEKS IN NOVEMBER! WELL... YONAH'S DOCTOR? BLINDS? FUCKED! AND I'M WONDERING WTAF HAPPENED TO THE BRAKES! AH... THE END OF THE MONTH. WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO HIT IT. (THANKFULLY, RICHIE DIDN'T SAY “I CAN'T FIX IT WITH-OUT PAYMENT.” AND THAT WASN'T EVEN AN OPTION.) NOW... ANOTHER “THANKFUL” IS THAT I USUALLY DON'T LEAVE TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING ANYWAY. I DO NEED A FEW THINGS AT THE MARKET... TOMORROW... SINCE I'LL *HAVE* TO GO OUT. BUT OTHER THAN THAT... HERE WE GO. - WELL? I DID SAY “NEXT” AND HERE IT IS... “LIFE”. - MY BLESSING? YONAH. HE'S ON THE SHELF SO HE'S MOBILE... AND WE'RE HERE... .TOGETHER... AND HE ATE THIS MORNING... AND HE'S LOOKING AS “OK” AS COULD BE EXPECTED. - NOW... I'M DREADING LOOKING AT TODAY'S POST!
11.20 For all the good (or not)... Soc.Sec. is due tomorrow... Maybe I should pull cash? Or trans to CU and then pull? 300$? I looked at the cost of brake-lines... yep... 200$. Richie says it's mostly labour and that's about 2 hours... at about 40-50$/h. Yep... 300... MINIMUM! FUCK ME! Oh well... an EXTREMELY HARD MONTH (NOVEMBER) TO COME! MY ONLY CONCERN... YONAH. - 19.55 JUST FINISHED BUDGETS TO INCLUDE *ANOTHER* 70$ LOAN PAYMENT AND PUT NEXT MONTH'S NYSEG ON “BUDGET” AT 55/MONTH WHICH I'M SURE WILL BE A *LOT* LESS THAN WHAT THE ACTUAL USE WILL BE... ESPECIALLY SINCE TONIGHT'S FORECAST IS FOR 4° WITH A CHILL OF 2° AT 5.00 TOMORROW MORNING (WHICH MEANS 2° WITH A CHILL OF AT LEAST -, THAT'S *MINUS* 1 !!!) - THE “PRETTY GOOD NEWS” IS THAT WITH BUDGET NYSEG, I ACTUALLY *CAN* SWING ANOTHER 70 LOAN PAYMENT... IT'LL BE MISERABLY DIFFICULT BUT IT WOULDN'T BE FOR VERY LONG BECAUSE THIS TIME, I'D JUST PAY-BACK WHAT-EVER I DIDN'T USE FOR THE TRUCK! AND I'D PUT IT INTO SAVINGS... OR... LEAVE IT IN THERE... WHAT-EVER. BUT STILL! NOW ALL I NEED TO DO IS CONVINCE THE CREDIT UNION... AND IF TOMORROW, SOC.SEC. IS IN THE ACCOUNT, I'LL MAKE NOVEMBER'S PAYMENT, DUE ON TH 25TH, EARLY AGAIN... AS I'VE ALWAYS DONE, SO THEY CAN'T SAY I PAY “LATE” OR... BUT... WE SHALL SEE... WHEN I GET BACK FROM THE CT... *IF* I GET BACK FROM THE CT... BEFORE SUN-DOWN... (WALKING...? NO !!! I'LL JUST DOWN-SHIFT WHEN I GET INTO TOWN... “JUST”.) THANKFULLY, THIS HITS IN NOVEMBER... *IF* WE GET A RISE IN SOC.SEC. AND NOTHING ELSE COMES ALONG... HAHAHAHAH !!! IT'S GOING TO BE A MISERABLE TWO MONTHS UNTIL JANUARY... AND I'VE ALREADY FORECAST FOR A 5% AND A (MORE LIKELY) 1,6% INCREASE. EITHER WAY... I CAN PULL THIS OFF... WITH HELP... AH... “HELP”, FAT FUCKING CHANCE. BUT... WE SHALL SEE... - Meanwhile... YONAH'S LIGHT LOOKS QUITE OK! There's HOPE for THAT. AND THIS EVENING, I GOT SNUGGLES, CUDDLES AND KISSES !!! Not as many or as much as “the GOOD days”, BUT I'M THRILLED! WE'RE GOING TO BE OK! - And BOTH radiators are on for the night. Not that they'll keep the place “tropical”, but they'll help keep SOME of the COLD out! And in the morning, if must, there's still a bit of oil to burn in the furnace so... We'll make it. - My only “concern” now is getting to sleep tonight and being up on time for a quick shower (and a slow drive). And a trip to market (for at least a week... though smokes? well... I've “rationed” to 5/day... If I can do THAT, I can make it through with-out having to go to get any more. Looks like I'm going to HAVE to MUST now. - Again, MUST get sleep tonight and up on time for this CT... NO MORE POSTPONING! I NEED TO KNOW. - But for now... Yonah's Journal... a QI... maybe a shower... and TO BED! I've had enough of this day... AND THIS MONTH! - Oh... I'm one lamp short in the living-room now... I used that wiring for Yonah's “floor lamp” but... IT WORKS AND THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT! HE HAS IT! (Now to figure “room-darkening”... but there's a new month ahead... and letters to be sent! WAR!) - Speaking of “war”... Vivian came to drop a lettre in the post this evening as I was standing on the front porch with a smoke... she saw me but said NOTHING! WELL! INDEED! And earlier this evening, Alvin was busy in the back, cutting and stacking the maple... and chatting with Ms. VTrash... Gee, I wonder... Rumours? FUKKEM! I can't be bollocksed with this lot any more. - Oh... and a response from my posting on Crgslst... a guy in “Black Brook”, single-wide trailer... 950/mo. plus... If it's the one on “the main” there... it's run-down... Shame, really... Black Brook is in Clinton but... in the “way away”. Oh well... No brakes. No money. And 950-plus is WAY over my budget. I'll have to reply tomorrow. - 21.00 I've “edited” today's YONAH photos and videos AND put them on the server! Tomorrow... CODING! - 22.08 LIGHTS OUT... COMPUTER DOWN... Off to a quick shower and then... TO YONAH! And tomorrow? Well, that will be what-ever it is... I'm physically sick, thinking about it all. But... I HAVE TO KNOW... I HAVE A 5-YEAR OBLIGATION... AND I'M GOING TO MAKE IT GOOD! If nothing else, the drive to hospital will be... "interesting".