Sat.01.Feb: (G's Domain Renewed x 1yr.) 1.10 WHERE IN FUX' NAME DID JANUARY GO? THE FUCKING TIME IS RUSHING BY TOO DAMNED QUICKLY! And yet, I wait for FS NEXT Sunday and next Soc.Sec. and... SHIT! The entire first month of 2020 is GONE already! I've “things” to do... money to get... things to do! - 8.16 Yes, that batch of cookies DID taste quite wonderful yesterday.... but there's too much sugar in them and I ate too many. My head hit that pillow this morning and I was OUT!!! And this morning? I AM in a stupor. And I'm NOT happy about it. Hot flashes. Walking around in a dream. But, I'm “awake” and there's time and a day and... I need to flush my body! Let's see how it all works out. - Meanwhile, another Revelation: I was the “sacrificial lamb”. When Mr. Shit-bag started beating me, Mrs. would gather the other 3 and RUN for the door! Leaving me alone in the house to put up with what-ever was to come. It's no wonder they don't remember any of it... THEY WERE NEVER THERE! That's not “Love”... that's just HATEFUL! “He's going to kill you one day. And think of the stigma that'll leave on the others.” Yeah. Superstition says that we learn things when we need to. So I suppose THIS is why I'm still alive: To learn things... before I die, so Death always looks better. And if we go to meet all those who've gone before us, now, I wonder what she'll have to say. - I need to get on with the day. I suppose I have things to do. I suppose I should get to them... when I think of what they are. - 10.31 OK! Journals are to-date for end of month, January. I skipped to the PO... “nothing for you”. Fine and dandy. No news is good news. (It really is a blessing to not go into depression, wondering what kind of “threats” and from whom will await me in the daily post.) - Gleaned Minds, my e-mails, checked on my orders to come next week. (Curtains on Tuesday, rod on Thursday... though I don't understand because the “curtains”.... sheets, arrived in Plattsburgh this morning but... never mind all that. It's the inconvenience of the convenience of buying “on-line”.) And now... the rest of this day will simply pass and when it's time to wrap it up, tonight, I'll be sitting here again, wondering where the fucking day went and why I'm sitting here, involved with shit that's essentially, of no importance to me or the world. I still should launder the bed-linens, but I'm already thinking it too late... they'll never dry by tonight... not that I need them to do so, since there's another set but... “Excuses”, that's all it truly is. - It's a touch on the “chilly” side in here this morning but nothing intolerable. I SHOULD go to the cellar and work on the furnace but there's that drear of “no work on Saturday”. Silly, yes... tradition and nothing more. I need to cut back on the smokes. I'll be town-toddling ever so soon at this rate. And I don't want to get into that until I have the FS for the meats (which are running low at this juncture and I can't figure out why, considering I had a freezer almost stuffed, not long ago). Last night's beef isn't settling well in the guts. It started last night already. Either my system doesn't like beef any more or there's something in the beef that shouldn't be consumed. (I'd rather believe the latter.) So now, just waiting for it to all “pass through”. HEY! At least this morning's “stupor” is passing. That's an improvement. - OK... on with the “time passing”. The skies are grey, the air is chilly-damp or damp-chilly. 'tis February... if Winter's going to attack, it'll probably do so now (and next month) and I should take a serious look into finances... for fuel (which I'll see when I get to the cellar... and I dread the very notion of looking). - 11.17 G's domain has been re-newed until 2021. I was 85 cents short of a 2-yr. But... fukkit. When the moment comes & I KNOW I won't be around... I'll just dump what-ever assets I have into renewals as long as possible, then close my eyes and... - Meanwhile that's done! - 21.09 and I' wrapping this day up in a bit of brown paper, some cord, putting an address on it and tossing it to the side. “Accomplishments”? None that come to mind other than a lot, a LOT of time catching-up on soc.med., mostly with Theresa (between author and G's... which she happens to be a YUGE fan of, come to find out). AND...
I did some rather excessive work on the NYC8539266 account today, inspired by all the general fuckery against the Homeless in NYC of late and the latest report from the Coalition. Old scars were torn open again with those readings and so, I was quite “active” on the account. AND WHAT DO I FIND, ON THE LIST OF “NOTIFICATIONS”? THE MESSAGE THAT I'VE DECIDED TO USE AS THE “MONTHLY IMAGE” HERE! “ChinaWorm? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Never mind the “name”! Between that and the variations of “worm”... “silk” and such, the infatuation with “worms”! A term usually used as a derogatory reference to some-one conniving, under-handed, scheming, ruthless... appropriate to the “author” there-of. Last month it was an e-mail “You no me” and “Are you back in NY?”, sent out of no-where, and I don't even recall to which account or from what “name” on that account. Now THIS? And on THIS account and on Minds? “Come home and you'll be welcomed with open arms.” “Come home, you have a job. 20$/hour to start.” “Come home, we'll find you a place.” Yeah? Come home... you'll be greeted with a sneer & be made to felt an inconvenience. Come home... you'll be lied to (Chris is uncomfortable with you in the house... followed by, after departure, Chris misses having you around.) Come home... your salary will be 2$/hour less than promised, but you won't be told until just before you accept your first cheque. Come home... you'll be bounced about on busses around Brooklyn and the dumped into Flushing in a flat where the tenant is in the country illegally and on the verge of deportation. Come home... and you'll be made a fool of at “the studio”. Yeah? And never mind the “You were the one that got away.” HAH! “You were the one who hung-up the phone and never called back.” Yeah? I was the one who gave YOU a place to call “home” when you were about to be tossed out of the flat of your *stutz*. Completely un.. -known to me, I opened my home, gave the key, to the door and my heart... and YOU were the one who thre the temper tantrums. And THEN... had the audacity to DEMAND that I return the ancient keys to that flat that, probably doesn't even exist any more. “I had to pay for those keys”, said you, in “the studio”. “I want them back.” FUKKOFF! 8 years after I escaped again (“got away” a second time, I suppose) you pop up out of nothing with “Where the fuck are you?” How about... “FUCK the FUCK OFF!” THAT'S WHERE I AM! I've almost NO doubt that either Chris had more than he could tolerate, between the infantile tantrums, the “superiority psychoses”, not to mention the promiscuity and the alleged “HIV infection”, that he probably got the fuck out of THAT Hell or died... and now, the “Little Tyrant” is alone, looking for a “friend”. Another “Zuri” situation... “We can't be together because you don't have 'IT'.” So I move then have to hear “When are you going to invite me to dinner? WHAT? I ask for help leaving Parkchester. I'll come to get you, you just have to be a presence in the truck, and I'll drive you back to where-ever you need to be. “I'd rather not.” Yeah? Fucking insults. But then I hear of Zur “I don't have any friends. I'm all alone.” WHY? Because you were a shit-bag! And now... your little “friend from haAretz is pulling the same faggotry! “Hope your Vermont experiment didn't ended badly...” GET the fuck outta here! Anyway, I didn't “block” the account and I won't make any sort of move to give even the slightest indication that I've even seen the shit-post. Just as I'm ignoring the e-mail. Fucking retard, that one. On the idiot/moron/imbecile scale... MAJOR IDIOT! And there we have a “news du jour”.
That said, typed and out of the way... the rest of the day was a lot of soc.med. The furnace has been set at 60F and the terracotta heater was cranked twice. Oddly, it managed to keep it just warm enough in here to keep the furnace from running all damned day. In fact, it just kicked for the first time in hours... and the 2nd “lighting” just extinguished. (I'll need to order more tea-lights!) - G's domain is re-newed until 2021. And that about covers this day. - Tomorrow, I'm planning a stroll up to Paul and Nancy's just to confirm being able to toss a bag of trash into theirs. I want NO misunderstandings here EVER again! Then, I'll check and “repair” the furnace. It's not blowing as strongly today as usual so I really have no choice... if this doesn't improve it, I'll have to ring Alden... I expect COLD in February and at this rate, the damned furnace will go through 100 gals in a matter of weeks! And I need chairs! And truck repairs! - But for now... last mug of hot water and into bed! I'd LIKE to be up by 5.00 tomorrow and get the bed-clothes laundered so they'll be dry for tomorrow night. New month, fresh linens? - Okiedokie. Time to get off this piece of shit lap-top. It's starting to fuck around. Can't tell why. I'll run a full “diagnostic” over night tonight. Fuck. - Damnit!

Sun.02.Feb: 6.38 Coffee's in the press, the sheets are soaking in the basin, I'm in from a smoke in the ever-so light flocons, it's -5° out there, comfy in here (though I woke, at 6.15 to the rumble of the furnace), I'm dressed (of course) and this morning is in progress. Slept through the entire night. Lights went out at about mid-night, I believe. I left the lap-top on “full scan” when I went to bed and woke to “No Threats”. Météo says “neige début at some time around 8.00. And there we have it. Pondering a toddle up the hill to Paul and Nancy this after-noon to verify the availability of a trash bin. “Pondering”. We shall see. And a little trip DOWN into the cellar to check on “modifications” to the furnace to perhaps, help with the force of hot air. “Pondering”. And I'd like to make a bit of a card to send off to Dennis, his birthday is in 4 days... 70th, if calculations are correct. Why send him a card? Why not? I don't recall having done anything to offend HIM (UN-like the shit from Brooklyn... the “stalker”.) I need to write a “DNR/Living Will” as well and now, with a “work table”, I see no reason or excuse why I “can't”. And it's Sunday... what-ever that means. Oh well. As I say: Day in progress. - Feeling? A little on the “worn” side. Saw me in the mirror in the dark loo this morning, as I pee'ed. NOT PRETTY. Looking rather “drawn” again this morning. Couldn't be dehydration. I had 3 mugs of water before bed. Just “old”, I suppose. It's bound to grab hold... sooner or later. Interesting how some people bloat in old age and others waste. In youth, I never liked my “round” face, always wanted “narrow”. Well? Here it is... the “narrow”... and it's rather gaunt, if nothing else. But seriously? Who cares? Theresa mentioned my “sexual inclinations”, as she read from the book. I had to laugh and commented about “inclinations”... at my age and at this time in life, “inclinations”? Even if I DID have “inclinations”, it would do me no good. My “inclinations” serve only at my solitude. And, quite honestly, that's perfectly fine. As the old adage clearly and wisely states: One exceptionally great thing about masturbation... you don't have to look you best. - Well! So much for this entry and this morning. Time to “do” something. - At least I probably won't have to re-light the terracotta heater today... I should hope. And the thermostat is still set at 60F - 7.02 WOW! THAT time went by quickly! And all I've done was work on coding this for posting to the on-line Journal! Goodness! - (And the furnace kicked-up, for no obvious reason so it's re-set to something BELOW the 60°F now... I'll have a radiator on for the pillow-cases, and I'll be a bit busy so... we shall see. I DREAD looking at the tank but... OF COURSE! There's a bit of money in the banque and WE CAN'T HAVE THAT! OH NO! FUCK!) - Moving along... moving along... moving along... - 11.17 Taking a typing break here. The linens are hanging. The coffee dishes are up. I've just covered the postal boxes “lap-top board” with brown paper, taped the edges, give the “work surface” a coat of clear enamel (and the house smells of it... thankfully, nobody else is in residence... as Ms. Diva once asked “Are you using alcohol over there?” when I'd sprayed the inside of the kitchen “cubby” with “Dollar Store” spray paint... useless as that was). Anyway... This morning I happen to notice... the ceiling in the kitchen, by the blue room (now “den”) appears to be separating, sagging a touch! Hmmmm..... even to almost-centre of the kitchen! My first reaction was to ring Alden! But... I have to go to the cellar in a bit anyway, so I'll check the floor, though the base-boards appear to be fine. I should believe that, if any part of the place is shifting, it would be up-stairs. We shall see. I just don't look forward to being “displaced” should “things” warrant removal of resident(s). In such an event, I could hope that the insurance on the place would cover most (if not all) inconveniences? Oh well... always a little “some-thing” to keep life from being “settled”. Seriously! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS PEACE! Fuck me. - And I've re-considered the stroll to Paul and Nancy's today. Better not on a Sunday, I should think. “Business days”. - And so, when the new “desk pad” is dry enough, hopefully nerves will allow a bit of art today... a card to Denis. As with all things... we shall see. - Right now... it's about “tea time” and I could use a bit of bread and butter. - At least, all the while, the thermostat has been set at about 55F and the furnace has been silent. YAY! No oil consumption. And out-side? Just the slightest flocons. No accumulation. Thankfully? What-ever. - 14.58 Item 1: I've “FOILED” the open duct on the furnace! Quick and easy, neat and tidy! Does it make any difference in the air-flow out-put? Not really. But a LOT LESS hot air is blowing into the cellar! (When I came back up, the temperature in the living-room was 75F and this place was -and still is, rather- hot enough to roast a turkey! But... the sheets are dry! Ready to beddie.) SO... I DID do that! AND, it didn't require all as much foil as I anticipated so there's practically an entire roll of “Heavy” foil paper to use! - Item 2: Just in from a MOST pleasant chat with Alvin! He was coming up the main and I called “If you ever make a coffee-table book...” “You want 100 copies?” he asked. And we got talking photography and it was REALLY pleasant. (He's next door at the moment, “checking the plumbing”.) - So... today, I managed to get the bed-linens washed, properly blocked the old duct-work, *** AND CHECKED THE OIL! I've used about an 8th of a tank from since the last drop so what's in there will go beyond another month... provided we don't drop to -30 for a few days. Quite a relief! I can only “hope”... It's not so bad out there now, and I DID crank the furnace up whilst I was in the cellar, to keep the thing running so I could check where the heat was going. - AND... Item 3: I checked the floors down there. IF there's any “settling” going on... it's primarily UP-stairs. So I'll “mention” it to Alden when next I see him and for now, just “watch”. I've a feeling it's mostly frost heaving and the like. But we shall see. - And I did manage a snooze of about 45 minutes before going to the cellar. Now, to “worry” about food in the house. I can't believe how low the meats have gotten. I'm on the boneless breasts (the tiny ones). 4 of those, 2 thighs and 2 burgers left. Another pound of pasta. Black-eyed peas and lentils, some soups... flour, yeast, 4 eggs... there's food, but I don't like the “count”. And I can't get more until NEXT Sunday... most of that won't arrive until the follow Thursday. But I won't starve, by any means. And even if I had the truck... it wouldn't be of any use because... I can't just go shopping yet either... Well? Truly... I've been through worse. - Meanwhile, I'm rather proud of my “accomplishments” today... rather. - And the sun was out for mere moments. The bits of snow are still in the air. But it's not bitter cold. Just grey. So? Fine and dandy, it is. - 21.15 Later (again) than hoped and planned and a shower is a MUST tonight. - Anywaaaaayyyy.... passed another day. One more day behind me... one less “yesterday”. And what did I “accomplish”? Other than what's been noted. Nothing. I can never remember WHAT I do with a day when it's done. But... I had a chicken breast (chewey) with brown rice and cookie and milk and the dishes are back where they belong. Thermostat remained low. Radiator was used for the sheets but they're off again. It's not too chilled in here tonight. Or... I'm “adjusting”. - Now, looking forward to BED! Just because. Let's see how the night goes and what “tomorrow” brings. Not the curtains nor the rod and those are my “excitement” now. And I MUST get a card to Denis! - OK. Enough of this. Have had last smoke, last hot water... shower and BED.

Mon.03.Feb: 6.23 Yes... 6.23 AND... Not only am I dressed, but the coffee press and mug are washed, so too, under-things and jammies, and they're on the rack in the shower, I've changed the lights in the ceiling fixture in the “den”, I've BOUGHT Nora Eisenberg “The War At Home” and “Dream Catcher”, Margret Salinger, have had 3 smokes, gone through some soc.med., and am on some kind of serious roll here... listening to “Just Ask The Lonely”, with Denis on my mind (will go in to write a note to post today, no doubt, when done with this typing), AND WHY?... BECUASE I WOKE AT 2-SOMETHING THIS MORNING AND HAD TO FORCE MY-SELF TO STAY IN BED... AWAKE... ANNOYED THAT I COULDN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP AND SO... AT 3.39 I WAS UP, WATER BOILING, DRESSED, LAVAGE IN TO SOAK AND MOVING, MOVING, MOVING. I'VE NO IDEA WHY... BUT HERE I AM, HERE IT IS AND AWAY, AWAY, AWAY IT GOES. THREE HOURS INTO THE DAY, AND THERE ISN'T EVEN THE SLIGHTEST TRACE OF “MORNING” TO BE SEEN! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS ALL ABOUT? I wonder. - MUST to jot the bit about Nora though: I was reading “City Unique”, chapters about pre-WWII Montréal when “The War At Home” came to mind... it was about 23.00 last night, I was all snug in bed, enjoying the book, the clean linens, the clean me (post-shower), the covers, the evening, the night when... BLAM! “The War At Home” came to mind. I got up, grabbed a phone and started searching for it, but couldn't remember the author! All I could recall was having corresponded with her several time, back on Rochambeau. Knew that she had a “Jewish” family name, kept thinking the pre-name began with the letter “L”... so all I had was the title and ethnicity. I was a touch disappointed with me, not being able to recall her name, and searching for just the title was aggravating because there are other books with that title, AND a movie, that has NOTHING to do with the book. Well? I was about to stop the search for the night, thinking, I could pick it up “in the morning” when... for NO reason at all, as I continued reading “City Unique” the name “EISENBERG” came to mind! Well, fukme, I grabbed the phone again and put that in with my search and, of course, Bamazoonie came up. BUT THERE IT WAS... THE BOOK! SO... off to Abe where... instead of the 20$ price-tag from Mamazooners, 4$ and change! DAMN! And NO shipping charge! The page got book-marked on the I-net, I finished my present reading, put out the light and drifted off to sleep... for... MAYBE 4 hours! I was rather pleased with me, able to retrieve the name from some incredible recess of my old brain. And then it happened... I woke, this morning, awake, rested, anxious to get up and out of bed, get on with what-ever this day might be... Went in to pee, thought I should probably get back into bed and wait for the 5.00 alarm but... water went into the kettle, coffee into the press, clothes on the butt, filled the kitchen basin, and it all just kept moving from there. And so? Here I am... still wondering how... but even more...WHY? WHY did I wake after so relatively little sleep? WHY am I awake now? WHY am I not exhausted? WHY oh WHY oh WHY? Not that I'm necessarily complaining. I'm just almost a touch “anxious” about it. I usually think about “Your body and mind know that time is running short and there's that drive to get something done before the heart just gives, and WOMP! You're on the floor, checked-out and that's the end.” It's said that we “know” when we're about to die. I wonder... if this isn't a part of that. But, oh, never mind. If it is, it is. If not, then not. One way or the other, ultimately, it makes no difference. So on we go... and this morning, I'll sit at that “new work area” and write Denis. Just a note, nothing special, to say that I refuse to be a “stalker”, to “impose”, to “annoy” (after all, I, m'self, have “Schmulik” pulling that shit on me... thankfully, THAT one hasn't gotten my phone numbers) but just to say that I'm aware that he, Denis, is now 70 and that I'm still remembering him... as I always have done, lovingly. - But if I sit here, at the kitchen table, I'll get none of the writing done and I'll be pissed later. So... AWAY! - Let's see when I finally collapse... during the day. Thankfully, I've no reason to prohibit my-self from a snooze... of what-ever duration might be needed... later. - 9.43 Letter out to Denis just now. It was quick, not necessarily “neat”. I intended to take my time, write nice, but it came down to sit down, write, post. Done. - Had my “snooze” for about 45 minutes, earlier. And now, I'm “setting-up” in the “den” in prep for the curtains... - Shipping notices on the curtains is that they're in Plattsburgh but won't be here until tomorrow. The rod, on Friday. The butter dish is still pending shipment. But the books... Nora's has been confirmed... Margret's is still pending BUT BOTH have been paid. And the account is balanced. - Now? Now... I just might have another snooze. There's nothing left on the agenda, save some work on the G's site (landing page) and that sort of thing. So? So... - 17.52 Meal's done. Hot water's on. A “play-list” for Denis is posted to the G's channel. Music added to the G's list on the site. A little animation was made for the “Birthday play-list”. And none of it makes any difference, really, other than the 5 extra songs on the G's list on-site because Denis will NEVER see it. But... I did it. And I snoozed a few times during the day (and am ready for bed even now... as the WIND blows in a change of weather, no doubt). - One thing though: the PAIN... I mean PAIN of missing Mimou, the regrets, then the worry about the truck. As I laid on the futon, before I finally drifted off, I was almost convinced I wouldn't wake. One of these days... - Meanwhile, the sheets are coming tomorrow... USPS! Fuck! So too, the rod. I'm not happy, but there's nothing I can do about it. - Water's ready. The Five is done. Time to... what-ever. - 22.00 and late again but I've got my entire list for Sunday morning at the read and not much left for the meats and dairy here but... HEY! FOOD! And now? I'm off to last smoke, teeth and BED! Too much soc.med. BS. But jammies are dry and the house is comfy and I've had a Nighty Night! Let's see what it does. - “Curtains” should be at the PO in the morning... something round the house to do. AND I NEED to get to Paul and Nancy! Stop with the “shy” shit!

Tue.04.Feb: 5.26 Sitting here in my sherpa, having just come in from smoke, and waiting for the coffee to steep. One pee-run through the night, and lights went out at about 23.05 last night. YAY! Why? As if being awake at 5.00 is something I “need” to do. But, it IS a delight, being up and about in the dark, before the entire world is buzzing. (As if any of the world ever “buzzes” in New Russia. Tee-hee.) But it was obviously a good night's rest. Aside from a drippy nose, all's well. - OH! MY! Look at this: Just checking the orders to be delivered and I see... as should probably be expected... sheets today, the butter dish on Thursday, the curtain rod now on Friday... instead of Thursday. The tracking on the sheets indicates that USPS knows they're coming but have no info. Yet, they claim the item will be here by 20.00 today. The butter dish left NJ last night at 21.34. The curtain rod left TN this morning at 4.52... just before I woke. Everything is being tossed-off to USPS this time.... WELL! THAT'S a fuck-up. But, I'll be sure to be vociferous, should any sort of “untowardedness” occur along the way. I mean... REALLY! It's not as if UPS has to go out of their way to simply keep the items in THEIR possession and bring them to the door. Oh well and alas. Things are moving... “out there”. Nothing I can do about any of it here. - 8.13 and... snooze-time. I'm just sitting, wasting time, being annoyed by the “shipping and handling” of orders. So? Snooze until Ms. PO opens... and then? I SHOULD toddle up to Paul and Nancy... we shall see. - 11.27 AND THE NEW “CURTAINS” ARE UP IN THE “DEN” AND BED-ROOM! 3 PANELS EACH. And now, the “den” looks more inviting, “elegant”, than the bed-room. And it isn't even noon yet! Am I “pleased”? Well, let's just say that I wouldn't use these “microfiber” sheets on the bed. They're quite soft, and though they don't feel like synthetic, they have a “look” and “feel” of “not natural fibre”. But they hang quite elegantly and even look quite nice from the out-side. So, yeah... I'm “pleased”. Another 2 panels would have been nicer. But these will certainly suffice. (I wonder how they'll launder, when that time comes round... in another year or more if I'm still breathing.) - Note of some “interest”: Another rather “cold shoulder” at the Pee Oh this morning. The box was there, at the ready, on the floor and when I walked in at about 9.40, Ms. didn't bother to get up from her chair. She was cutting something into little pieces. Didn't really even bother to look up. Just said “That's yours” and that was that. I've NO doubt the word has gotten round about me reporting their “chum”. But? I don't give a shit. “Breach of trust” and un-profeessionalism. Made ME feel awkward and uncomfortable. And I'm paying the fees that pay the qunt's salary. So? So... I move along, waiting to see if/when my license arrives and in what condition. I wouldn't put it past any of them to mangle it and then blame “the system”. We shall see. - Meanwhile, the “task” of the day is done and I'm just waiting for my oatmeal to do what it will. I'm rather hungry. But that's due, in part, to boredom, a touch of anxieities (the truck), and a touch of knowing that the groceries in-house are dwindling and there won't be any more until next week at some time. AND... I'll be heading out during the week... to town-toddle... for smokes. Not much else because I refuse to get food on cash any more and that won't be possible until Sunday... earliest. I'll need smokes before then. (I should just cut them out completely but....) - And so, it's on with the rest of the day. Pasta for meal tonight. No cheese. But that's OK. And I SHOULD make bread. I'm just being to fucking lazy. - 14.36 Just having a coffee (ground in a mug of boiled water) having DONE WITH THE DRAPES! I put the 2 “panels” from the bed-room in the living-room so now, there, it's 4 panels each. 3 panels each for bed and “den” and all is DONE with the windows... until fucking Friday. - FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2011... NINE 9 FUCKING YEARS... THE ROLL-ALONG LUGGAGE THAT I BOUGHT IN MACY'S ON QUEENS BLVD. FOR THE MOVE TO VER-FUCKING-MONT IS *** UN *** PACKED!!! and under the bed, out of sight. JEEZUS KRISTE! 9 FUCKING YEARS! There were some socks, good shirts, some jeans, a t-shirt, soaps in it. They're all out a part of the house-hold. Now... I suppose I can expect to get the word that I'll have to remove again? THAT would be “my life”. But for now... DONE! - Will have coffee and toddle up to Paul and Nancy's. It's a bit chill-damp, grey, but it's fine for a toddle. And hey, the worst they can say is “No.” about the garbage and then talk about how I bothered them with “concern and consideration”. But that too is... “my life”. - 16.01 OK. So I walked up to Paul and Nancy's and nobody there. But THEIR VIEW OF THE MOUNTAINS IS BREATH-TAKING! I got a couple photos and strolled back. “Exercise du jour”. - Forgot that I wanted to do a “chicken and rice” today... so it'll have to wait until tomorrow. Only brown rice in the house. Not much of it either. But doing the chicken with it should stretch it a bit. Need to make bread too... none left! I've been most remiss. (At least I got the windows done?) - Tossed-off photos to Donna with message and a message to Dot. Don't expect to hear back... oops... a quickie from Dot. 2 words: “Yes sir.” What-ever. - Almost time to prep a meal. Pasta and lentils tonight. Hey... better than nothing. But nothing for after. I'll have to come up with something, I suppose. Right now, looking forward to bed-time. It's that time again... be tired until it's actually time to go to bed. - 16.11 Butter dish has left E. Syracuse, due Thursday. Curtain rod left Roanoke VA, due Friday. THEN... on Sunday... another order with Amlazoonz... for FOOD! I'm getting quite good at this shopping-on-line thing! - 250.25 Last smoke. Teeth brushed. I'm off to bed! Not that I'm all that tired, but I want to get to bed early. Just so I can get up in the morning before the sun rises. Figure what more to do with the “den” and MAYBE get to writing! Or painting! Or something with a potential of generating income! Or some sort of thing. In any case... tonight's pasta was fine. the lentil are already “blowing”. I've had a ginger tea and drank the ginger. Rumour has it, it's good for gas. We shall see. But for now? Lights out in the house, on in the bed-room (with the new CURTAINS) and this is another day! Done.

Wed.05.Feb: 3.22 Well... the lights were out at 21.00 last night and so, at 3.00 this morning, I was out... of bed, up, coffee on, I'm in from a smoke, (it's not too cold out there this morning but there's a wind a-blowin'-down from the North). Getting ready to put the bread together too. Sneezing a touch. A touch of runny nose, coughing shit up. But feeling quite refreshed, after 6 hours of sleep. - Oddly, the phone rang twice, after I'd gotten all cozy. Yes, indeedie, Donna. I didn't answer... and only moments after, I was asleep. I think I woke, once, to pee, but not sure. Anyway... the day is in commencement. Now... what to do with all this time... Bread. Chicken and rice. MAYBE some painting! I'm rather inspired... for all it's worth. - 5.42 Bread's in the bowl on the rise. The coffee press is washed and away. I'm gone to “over-drive”. And the neige du jour is lightly falling on the out-of-the-doors. I've got this sense of “vorboding”, as it were. Don't know why. It's happening, now and again. That “I'm about to simply drop dead at any moment” feeling. Though... HAHHAH, I know better. I won't simply drop... there'll be a horrific, long, drawn-out incapacitation (?) to precede. What-ever. - For now... bread's on. And the decision to bake the chicken and rice has gone. Better to simply cook as needed. Chicken, rice, veggies... Pasta in between. The only “item” is the town-toddle for smokes. Down to the last pack... - And trying to decide whether or not to order chairs. The price has dropped... from about 125 to 104. It's a choice: chairs, truck, oil, such. I COULD re-budget for the end of this month's “income”. I COULD. But do I want to? I don't know. Not acting hastily. Though, I see no reason why I should make me comfy (with chairs that I like), considering the “tomorrows” and their limited number. Oh... it's morning... it's still dark out there. The rest of the world is either still asleep or just getting started, and I'm rolling along. “Manic episode”? (I'll be snoozing for the next bread-rise.) Anyway... we're up, moving, running, doing. I suppose that's OK. (But we're not writing nor painting... and that's NOT “good”.) - 14.31 THREE SHELVES ARE UP IN THE “DRAWING ROOM” (not “den”... DRAWING ROOM)! About 2 hours ago, I woke from a “no alarm set” snooze on the futon, went to the kitchen, looked out the window and saw that ALVIN WAS GONE! ON went the boots and OUT the door I flew to the garage where I found MORE of those old planks! HOW I missed them before, I'll never know. But there they were. I grabbed three and BOLTED back into the house! Pulled out the drill, found some studs in the “common wall”, drilled and put in 6 screws. Cut and tied the lengths of cord and... UP went the shelves! The “fleur de lis” is now on the opposite wall (after some taping along the top), AND... the house is Hoovered! SHELVES AT LAST! (Hopefully they'll stay up on that wall... either of their own or that there won't be any heavy banging taking place on the other side.) *** ACCOMPLISHMENT *** !!! SHELVES! It took me almost 7 months to get to them but... there they are! AT LONG LAST! - AND... before snoozing, I got in touch with Donna for a few minutes. She's been very busy. Her 18 year old, Candy, little pooch, who is deaf, is having trouble with her ears. They'd just come back from the vet and now Donna has medication to administer and another appointment on Saturday. But, at least it's been confirmed that I'm not on a “shit list”. That's nice to know. (Well, not there, any-way.) - And now, a peppermint tea. I'd made a “quick coffee” earlier, so there'll be no more coffee today! - The sun is shining into the lliving-room. The curtains in the bed-room have been open today. The curtains on the window in the drawing-room look quite nice. I'm not doing any-thing more in there until Friday, when the rod is supposed to arrive. Meanwhile... I feel better about me now. It's been a day of toil and accomplishment. Two loaves of fresh bread, Three shelves. I cleaned-up that cubby in the drawing-room too. Organised, got all the little empty boxes and shit out of the room and stored neatly. - I've taken the jackets from Viv out as well. I'll keep hers. Or offer for sale some-where. Not sure what to do with the one allegedly from Gaetan. It has an odour that I don't care for. It's hanging in the cubby now. But those boxes, papers, and general shit are away. It's looking quite “homey” around here. (Now... to wait for the words: “You'll have to find another place.” I shouldn't doubt it's coming... at all.) - Oh... and I've “saged” as well. - 20.39 Meal done. Dishes done. Ginger tea done. Social media done. Me... done and getting off to bed. Tomorrow? Grésil and -3° and 12 smokes left. I have some SERIOUS thinking to to about money shifting... and chairs. Anyway, that's for tomorrow... bed and book are for now. It's been a day. (Oh, and the shelves are still up on the wall. That's promising.)

Thu.06.Feb: HAPPY 70th DENIS! ***** LICENSE ARRIVED TODAY!!! I'M *** OFFICIALLY *** BACK IN NY!!! ***** 5.21 Up and out of bed at 4.00 (I “slept-in”) this morning, from a disturbing dream. Coffee on and regular routine until about 4.30 when I heard the plough pass on the main. “I hope that wasn't necessary.” thought I, aloud. Put the coffee on, got dressed, went to the front door for a smoke to find... SNOW! OMG the snow! It must have been falling for HOURS! SO... grabbed the broom, cleared the front step, the immediate area out-side the front door, the “walk” in front of the Pee-Oh and the boxes. Passed the time whilst smoking. Then, in, grabbed a coffee, headed to the loo, checked météo and THIS is what it's expected to be right through until Saturday! ALL day and ALL night... save tonight... with “grésil” ALL through the night and into tomorrow! WELL! 'twill be interesting, getting into town now. But, we shall see how it rolls. No panic. I've got “rollie re-smoke”... for a bit. - MEANWHILE... THIS FUCKING LAP-TOP, NOT CONNECTED TO INTERNET, IS RUNNING SHIT ON ITS OWN THIS MORNING! I WALK AWAY FOR MOMENTS AND ON RETURN, LITTLE “POP-UPS” ARE ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! IT'S ALREADY TRIED TO RE-FORMAT THIS JOURNAL, TWICE. THEN THE TOUCH-PAD GOES DEAD SO I CAN'T MOVE THE CURSOR. WHAT IN THE FUCK? INTRUSION? OR BREAK-DOWN? EITHER WAY, I DO NOT LIKE THIS SHIT! FUCKING PISSES ME OFF! AND WHEN I'VE BEEN CHECKING, ON-LINE, ABOUT “ANOMALIES” HERE, THEY *ALL* REFERENCE *DELL*! WHAT FUCKING SHIT IS THIS? “TECHNOLOGY”... INTRUSTION, PLANNED, FUCKERY. WELL? ONE OF THESE DAYS, EITHER I, OR THIS SHIT OR BOTH WILL DROP DEAD... I WONDER WHICH WILL GO FIRST. (The most inconvenient one, I've no doubt.) - Moving along to the dream...
I was in a shelter, alone. It was horrific, old, filthy, dreary, similar to some other-wise long-abandoned manufacturing plant of some kind, crossed with a hospital or old school. The “residents” were, for the major-most part, seedy, questionable, criminal types, and not particularly of the “highest mental acuity”, one might put it. I had nothing to my name save the clothes on my back. And it was always dimly lit, and other-wise quite dark, grey, dismal. Mother knew I was in there and yet, did nothing to help me get out. And I was only but about 16 years of age. I'd been there for a while, perhaps some weeks, not longer, and was “adjusting”, but there was always a sense of some “doom”, violence, personal injury. I needed to get out and away, some-how. Walking in slippers, worn-down and almost out, trying to save my sneakers from wear, I left the building to get onto a train (subway or something of the sort). As I was leaving, a scrubby guy, long, black, unkempt hair came to me and said “You have to be here. They're gonna bar you.” It was something “they” did to the “newer”, younger “residents”, an indication that they, the “barred”, were “available”, for sexual activities and the likes. (I have to wonder if this wasn't a combination of reading “City Unique” and the bordellos and vice of Montréal in the 40s plus a video I'd seen of a “confinement hospital” just built in China for victims of the recent “coronavirus” where it was said “If they don't survive, they get sent to the crematorium.”; doors to “units” have no way of opening from inside the unit. A horror.) “Barring” was either a tattoo of a dark “bar” with a “bar code” or an implant similar to the security strips on store merchandise. The tattoo was inked onto the back/shoulder and the “implant” was inserted under the skin in the same area. Either way terrified me! But I continued on my way away. On the train, an old, “70s” sort of subway, I met mother (actually her). She was ever-so pleasant, and we chatted lightly, and I wondered how she could be so light-hearted and pleasant, knowing where I was... in that “shelter” and making NO offer of housing, to return home or other-wise. Noticing that I was being followed by some of the “residents”, I suggested we change cars on the train and we moved to a rear car where there were about 3 or 4 others, none of the “residents”. I told her “They're going to 'bar' me if I go back there.” and I was frightened, obviously-so. “Well...” she said, flippantly, almost as if joking, “We can't have that now. Can we? We'll have to do something about it.” and then she just let the entire point by and returned to her “small talk, chit-chat” about her and just a flurry of general items, almost as if, as thoughts came to her, she spoke on them. I paid no attention at that point, realising that she wasn't going to “do” any-thing about any of it. The train arrived at some station (similar to Metro North, 125th or one of the Westchester stations) and I disembarqued, leaving mother on to continue to where-ever she was going. At the station, having no idea where I was but, at the same time, being familiar with it, I met a young guy, my own age whom, some-how, I knew. He met me there or just happened to be there when I arrived, that part was ambiguous. We walked a bit and I told him of the “barring” to come and mother's apathy toward it all. HE said that it would be inconvenient and a bit of a hard-ship for him, but he wouldn't let me go back to the shelter, I could “hide” at his place. At this point, I was bare-foot and suddenly became aware of the fact, and told him “I've lost my slippers... and shoes... well, sneakers.” He looked a touch perturbed by this news but had sympathy and said “We'll take care of it.” And we continued walking, me, bare-foot, along wet, gravely streets, filthy side-walks, in the grey that seemed more like early day-break on an over-cast morning. I was very aware of being bare-foot on the filth, hoped that I wouldn't contract any sort of ring-worm (as in Bellevue) and... I woke.
5.56 WOW, almost 6.00 already! The plough's been by again. I've a 'halfie” in the butt-jar. I wonder if I dare step away from this lap-top. Anyway... I have to pee, need another coffee, would like the rest of the halfie and could go sweep a touch again out front. At least I got the dream down. (I'll HAVE to get this onto the servers this morning too... just in case.) - 7.02 Kitchen chairs went from 125 to 102 and... ORDERED! On the “Tic” account. Let's see how this rolls out. WTF? I spend most of my time in this house. I'm expecting to be told to return the chairs (and table) at some time... probably soon. So? So... may as well make me comfy... until such time when I'm blessed and stop breathing. They're “expected” to be here between next Wednesday and... - 11.38 WELL... Quite the morning. I cleared the snow at 4.00, then again at 6.00 and when I went out at about 9.00, Crystal was just arriving. But there was more snow. It'd been falling steadily all morning! (It's still coming, but ever-so lightly and now it's WET! I'm down to about 9 smokes and to go out there on the road isn't even an “idea”. The ploughs are out. No escaping the slush and grit they throw into the air. Shame, because it's not all that cold. Nice walking weather. Then again, 5$ on FS? It would be a trip only in for smokes and I don't see it worth all that. To be honest, Harry was in earlier, so too... Margret. There were rides to be had but the notion of a ride in and none back... I'd just as soon walk both ways. Hopefully the threats of horrific weather tomorrow will be lies... I can get the curtain rod in the morning and toddle for smokes then. It's really too late right now, to get into all that shit. ROLLIES! to follow.) ANY-waaay.... Not only did the butter dish arrive today (it's a fucking double-wide and I wanted single but, I've washed it and am using it already... it's fine, and the width is OK for cutting butter; besides, I like the plain style so... I bought it, it's here)... BUT...
THE DRIVER'S LICENSE ARRIVED TODAY! SO I AM OFFICIALLY BACK IN NY STATE NOW! Thankfully the photo is in black and white so I don't look as “ill” as I was. It's not “pleasant” but it has its story behind it. It'll suffice for what it is. NY RESIDENCE! Expires in 2024. I wonder if I'll even be breathing then. BUT IT'S NICE TO SEE... NO MORE FUCKING ASSOCIATION WITH... VER-FUCKING-MONT... (except the truck... and that goes in April or May). Hello? I'm HOOOOOOOOME again.
Meanwhile, of note, as I'm shovelling at 9.00, Mr. Alvin comes over. “Oh, you beat me to it.” says he. “This is my 3rd time.” says I. He goes into the PO and that's that. (John didn't come by until I'd almost finished clearing the entire front of the house and parking area. Oh well... It was pleasant, exercise. Good stuff.) - Just had some bread and butter. Finishing a tea. Looking forward to a nap. I'm not traveling today so.... naps are fine and pass the time. There's nothing pressing to be done. - 21.06 Well... the snows stopped but now there's a frozen mist all about. Temperatures are where they'll be at -5 tonight. Tomorrow? Cold again, more snow. Saturday, clear and BITTER. Figures. - I started taking the art supplies out of their bags and boxes. When the curtain rod goes up, I'll get it all together in there. - Meal, chicken with brown rice and veggies. No dessert. Too fucking lazy. Bread and butter. - Donna rang! We had a grand chat... as always. - I rolled a few re-smokes to go with the 6 fresh. - And now... I'm off to a quick shower and to bed! Another day... behind.

Fri.07.Feb: 4.03 UND... Nachrichten des Tages. Météo claims -1° et “Nuageux”. MAIS “Début: 5 h 00 - Faible pluie verglaçante”. Yeah? Obviously, they're not here because, well, as I just stood out on the porch for morning smoke, there is the finest mist only slightly falling, mostly “hanging” in the air, invisible to the eye, save in the light of the street lamp UND, from the looks of the pavement (that is my “front lawn”) said “mist” has been lingering from since when I went to bed last night, at about 21.00 (which is why I got out of bed at 3.24 this morning). THE WORLD is coated with a rather impressive layer of ICE... and it is SO SILENT out there! No vehicles. No birds. Neither creatures nor critters stirring in the darkness. And the “pluie? Not to end until 7.00. THEN? Neige at 10.00... continuing until 20.00 when the temperatures are expected at -8°, clearing skies and by 7.00 tomorrow morning, “Ensoleillé avec passages nuageux”, temperature of -18 with “ressentie” of -24. And all I can think is: “THIS is why, for all my life-time, I dreamt of moving to 'The North Country' in my old age, to see my later years out on the mountains of the Adirondacks. (Not to mention, it's February and for the entire season of 'Winter' thus far, I've been saying 'We're going to get HAMMERED, come February'.) Well, indeed, the hammer, it is SWINGING. - Well then, a pack of smokes would be a delight, but there's re-smoke to roll, papers in which to roll, and me? Not venturing out there. Why not? you may question. Well, say I, it's not so much the notion of being struck by a sliding vehicle, operated by some dolt, that concerns me. It's the possibility of permanent mental vegetation or simply, bodily non-function as a result of the strike. In the event of blessed death, as I am put to rest, at peace, there's the potential anguish of the striker, “guilt” in the eyes of humanity for having slammed the breath from the lungs of a living being (not, mind, that it would be of any consequence, should said “being” be a deer or bear or badger... BUT...). Why cause grief simply because of selfishness? Nay. Here, in my house I am... Here in my house shall I remain. (Now, let's see how it plays out for the postal service which should be delivering my much-awaited curtain rod today.) - And there we have it. I'm dressed. Coffee is steeping whilst a mug rests at hand. The lampe on the table is illuminated whilst the world beyond the window-panes is in Natural darkness, broken only by the hideousness that is the street lamp on the corner pole. Other-wise, all is calm, not to bright. Another day commences, as all days have done and shall continue, so to do... “World with-out end. Amen.” Thank you very too much. - NOW, that poetry scribed, one note of “interest” (or of none): Last night shower brought to my attention, a couple of “things”, “growths” perhaps, on my right shoulder. More of those “eruptions” that appear now and then, here and there. Stinging when the soap (I used the “Dial” for speed of bathing) rubbed o'er. “Skin cancer”? I shouldn't doubt it. No more doubt there than any-where else in this old body. So this morning's kind thought, as I donned attire: Wouldn't it just figure that I'll get “things” about this little house quite nicely settled, comfortable, functional, delightful and... BAM! Death will appear, not out-side the door here-to but, rather, IN my chambres, and NOT to simply gather me up to take me away but to scratch and gnaw for as long as would amuse... Ah well, alas and such, after all, I DID profess to “come home to die”... and to do so peacefully, at MY convenience is, of course... preposterous! Even the very notion there-of! So... - And now? Now I wait for the night to become day. In a bit, I'll toddle out to “ice melt” a walk-way or something... just in case the local stoics manage to wend their way here-to. I'll HOPE for the curtain rod which I shall install, then return to my art supplies and... in the words of that old but rather perhaps well-known ditty: What-ever will be... will be. I've no cause for concern. It is as it is as it was as it will be. Tah... fucking... dah. (Shit! Even if the truck DID roll, I wouldn't be out there in this weather, under these conditions any-way. Pffftttt!) - 11.22 THE CURTAIN ROD ARRIVED! IT'S UP! THE CURTAINS ARE UP! IN THE “DRAWING ROOM” AND I REPLACED THE BUSTED ROD IN THE BED-ROOM WITH THE GOOD ONE FROM THE DRAWING ROOM AND NOW... ALL CURTAINS ARE UP AND LOOKING QUITE “MAHVELUS” INDEED!!! - MEANWHILE, OUT-SIDE, THE SNOW IS COMING AT AN ALMOST INCREDIBLE RATE! I WENT OUT AT 8.30 TO REMOVE LAST NIGHT'S “ICY SNOW”, THEN PUT DOWN ICE-MELT AND FINISHED JUST AS Ms. Crystal ROLLED IN. I POPPED MY HEAD OUT THE DOOR, OFFERED ASSISTANCE, SHE DECLINED. BUT... AS FOR THE SNOW? IT'S COMING SO HARD, FAST AND HEAVY THAT IT APPEARS THAT NOTHING'S BEEN DONE TO REMOVE IT FROM SINCE YESTERDAY! AND THAT'S IN ONLY ABOUT 2 HOURS! AND IT'S STILL COMING, RELENTLESSLY! IT'S SO “CONSIDERABLE” THAT I'M NOT EVEN CONSIDERING TODDLING INTO TOWN! THERE'S NO SENSE TO IT. WERE I ON A SELDOM-PLOUGHED ROAD, I'D BE OUT THERE ALREADY. BUT THIS GETS CLEARED SOME-WHAT REGULARLY AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO GET “SPLAMMED” BY TONNES OF ICE, SLUCH AND SNOW AS THESE PLOUGHS PASS! NEVER MIND, LOOKING LIKE SHIT ON ARRIVAL IN TOWN... WASHING JACKETS, SWEATERS, SHIRTS, TROUSERS... TOO MUCH TO EVEN THINK ABOUT! BUT IT LOOKS AS IF I WAS RIGHT... *** AGAIN *** ... WINTER WAITED, STOCKED AND STORED IT'S “WEATHER” AND NOW, FEBRUARY... KAH-BLAAAAAM!!! SO? I'M GOING TO TIDY THIS PLACE UP NICELY, PERHAPS TAKE A FEW PHOTOS TO SEND TO DONNA AT SOME POINT. HAVE A TEA AND BREAD AND BUTTER. THEN A SNOOZE... THERE'S NOTHING ELSE NOR MORE THAT CAN BE DONE. *”WINTER”* HAS ARRIVED IN *”THE NORTH COUNTRY”*... TIME TO BEHAVE ACCORDINGLY... HIBERNATE!!! - Other-wise, I'd like to add that I notice when I go into the Pee-Oh of late, Ms. C. keeps “occupied”, “busy”, “doing”, and if I start a chat, she focuses on what it is she's doing and purses her lips. I'll be that my “DMV Complaint” has been circulated and I, being the “newbie in the hamlet” am seen as a fucking bastard prick. Oh well... as came to mind this morning as I worked:
• My postage pays into the presence of the office AND the salaries of those who “work” in it.
• My box rent (which I'm not “obligated” to pay) contributes to presence and salaries as well.
• My letters and parcels contribute to the “counts” that are necessary and monitored.
• I PAY FOR AND PROVIDE THE HOT WATER THERE.
• I shovel the snow, salt the ice.
It's not in the “best interest” of any-body around here to get on my fucking balls. Do your job, mind your business, treat me with due respect and courtesy, follow your rules, regulations and fulfill your obligations as fits your job? All will be perfectly well. Piss me the fuck off? I'll go to the route, cut the hot water, let the rest take care of ice and snow.
I'm going for a snooze now... it's 11.39 and I'm a touch weary. - 21.25 Yeah, well, that snooze was extremely brief. I dozed and woke shortly after, ran around putting the house in order and took photos to send down to Donna... I have to “edit” them though. And, having some energy left (the elation of the “drawing room”), I headed out the door, planning on a bit of shovelling. JUST as I opened the door, John appeared to plough the front! TIMING! And he did... MOST of it. Stopped to chat, ever so briefly and said “There. You don't have as much to shovel.” and, as he drove off and I got at what was left he called “Don't shovel too much. It'll melt!” Well, fact is, we MUST have gotten over a foot of snow, total. It was up to the level of the front porch! In some places, deeper! But it wasn't coming down as fast and so, I managed to clear the front of the house, then the ramp for the Pee-Oh, and the space for the boxes! Got a lot of ice up from the ramp too. AND... ALVIN came by, just to chat, as I was finishing! Alvin! Chatting! With ME! Gee! ANYwaaaaay, I didn't get back in until about 16.45! Put the left-over chicken and rice into the oven and got me together, or un-together. By 17.20 I had meal, followed by hot sugared water with a drop of vanilla in. Then, dishes got done. Some texting with Dorothy and that snooze I missed during the day. - A little while ago, I had my hot water and a naproxen. Am about to jump into a brief shower and head for bed. Tonight's expected to be quite cold. Tomorrow... clear and almost crisp. But I MUST get into town tomorrow... no matter what. (My back is acting up though... but... I'll be out there in the morning! I've got some cash on hand to get something more to eat, if the mood strikes so... we shall see... but I WANT SMOKES! I'm down to about 2 or 3! And I don't want more re-smoke!) - And so... WINTER IS HERE INDEED! AND... it's BEAUTIFUL! - Time for bed!

Sat.08.Feb: 5.15 Up at 4.54, out of bed... because... coffee on and dressed. 2 smokes in the pack. (There's re-smoke but I'm rather determined to get into town... even if I have to walk the distance. At least it'll be a light return... no groceries. Tomorrow morning I'll get up, click “Order” and that will be that... I should be so lucky.) ANYWAY... I just stepped out for a smoke to ONE OF THE MOST MAGNIFICENT SIGHTS THAT COULD POSSIBLY GREET ANY-BODY, EVER! A FULL MOON IN A CLEAR SKY, OVER THE RIDGE, ACROSS THE ROAD. SHINING IN A PERFECTLY INDIGO SKY, JUST 2 SMALL CLOUDS HANGING PEACEFULLY BELOW, AND THE GLOW OF THE MOON ON THE SNOW IN THE DISTANCE, THE “RED” OF THE STREET LAMP ON THE SNOW BY THE HOUSE (how I HATE that fucking street light!), AND THE ROAD, WET FROM THE MELTED ICE, REFLECTING THE MOON-LIGHT, LIKE A MOUNTAIN STREAM! YES, I TOOK SOME PHOTOS. THEY DON'T DO IT ALL ANY PROPER JUSTICE, BUT WOW! JUST WOW! - Last night I DID get my shower, got into bed, read some more of the “City Unique” (it's rather amazing, just how much of that book I'd forgotten... SO much fun reading and SO much forgotten) and the lights were out well before 23.00. And I slept through.. SLEPT THROUGH! (Maybe it was the naproxen before? What-ever... I slept through.) And I woke, of my own, at about 2.30 or 1.30 or something, looked at the clock and went back to sleep until I woke, of my own. THIS is how it should be, how it used to be, how it is again. - Now then that said, I'll wait for this morning's post and HIT THE ROAD! HEY! If nothing else, maybe some nice photos of the snow? I doubt it but... and the exercise will do me good. Hopefully this old back will hold. But then again, as I say: I won't he hauling 10-15lbs back today. Just a stroll. (I don't like the idea of “shopping on Shabbat” but, as Rabbi Lewis used to say: “It's between you and God.” and God knows... indeed. - Another day. -11°/-15°, so 'tis claimed. A drop to -13/-19 in the “matin” (I guess I'm still at “nuit” now). Then back “up” to -11/-17 but sunny. We shall see when we have been. That's that. - The worst part of this morning though... When I look at light in the dark, it's always “double”. That moon was/is SO BEAUTIFUL... but I really can't truly enjoy it any more. I'm losing the old eye-sight... even if I DID pass at DMV. It's sad. And I see that general “repairs” can be 3-4k$ so it “appears”... this is how it's going to be... until it gets worse. Fuck me. Oh well, I got my “home in the mountains, in the North Country”... SOME-THING HAD to be taken in exchange... the truck, my vision... like I said to Dorothy in a “text” just yesterday: I'll probably get this little place all settled comfy... & be dead 2 days (if that) later. Dats da way it beez. - 12.08 AND I AM IN AWE! I'VE BEEN INTO TOWN AND BACK!!! LEFT AT ABOUT 10.45, WAS ALMOST TO THE 1-MILE AND TOM STOPPED TO GIVE ME A LIFT DIRECTLY TO FamDoll! (He was on his way to the dump... If I'd've known...) AND SO, I GOT TO THE STORE, BROWSED AT LEISURE. GOT 4 SMOKES, A GLASS VASE FOR PAINT BRUSHES, 2 FROSTINGS FOR “DESSERTS”, A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO FOR SHOWER-WASH, A MILKY WAY FOR THE TREK BACK. HALF-MILE OUT... *** TOM ***! “It's me again. If you want a ride you're welcome. Unless you'd rather walk.” THE DAY IS PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL OUT THERE BUT IT WAS THE “TIME” (and wear on my back)... I ACCEPTED AND BY 11.51 I WAS BACK IN THE HOUSE! THE 3 HOURS WERE ONLY 1,5... THE ONE-WAY TIME! I'D ONLY BE JUST GETTING THERE IN THE TIME IT TOOK BOTH WAYS! OMG! As they say. I AM... IN AWE! (And riding with Tom is always a delight any-way.) And chatting with him, he didn't know that the “Joan” here was the “Joan Crane” he knew of. And he knows “Steve”, a friend of Joan's who told him that she used to be quite a heavy smoker. SO... THAT explains the “No Smoking” policy here! ANYwaaaay.... - Dorothy just sent a photo taken out her window. THEY HAD ACCUMULATING SNOW! NOTHING like we get here, but the trees are actually covered. I didn't know it snowed that much that far South. Imagine? (NO! I'm NOT even thinking about giving THIS up!) - So now? I have time to do... something... even if just a snooze. But the sun is BRILLIANT! There's a bit of ice on the trees. It's picturesque out there! And NOT all that cold! - AND, OH, BY THE WAY... THIS MORNING'S “NOTICE”: THE CHAIRS ARE DUE HERE ON MONDAY! THAT TOO... IS... AWESOME-ISH! - So now... on to something, with the special gift of extra time! - An amazing sort of day... already. - 22.38 Got a bit carried away, sitting in the “drawing room”, on the soc.med. this evening. I moved the lap-top in after meal (pasta with black-eyed peas followed by the rest of the chocolate frosting which will, no doubt, come soaring through in the morning). It's nice in the drawing room. Now... to get to the “drawing” bit. And at least I can be sure that it'll be quiet in here through the rest of Winter. I seriously doubt anybody's moving in next door before the warm weather comes. - And so, it's -19/-24 at the moment. Thankfully, the furnace isn't kicking up all over the damned place. There's that fucking “draft” in this room too though. Can't figure where it comes from! Every room seems to have it. I'll have to check tomorrow. “Spirits”? Right. Find another haunt... unless you're hear to help me along. - On that note, I'm heading for last smoke... SMOKE... good cigarettes again tonight, and then... to bed! I have to CLICK MY SHOPPING IN THE MORNING! FOOD! (And it'll get her and I can enjoy it... sitting on the new kitchen chairs... I hope.)

Sun.09.Feb: 7.33 Dragged me out of bed at... 6.36! I woke at about 4-something, rolled over, went back to snooze. Had a HORRID DREAMLETTE: I CAN RECALL ONLY ONE QUICK MOMENT OF SEEING SOME SORT OF “VIEW” OF MY THROAT. RAW, LESIONS, BROWN/BEIGE. And that's all I recall about it. The “dream” or “thought” or what-ever it was, didn't last long. I can't recall if I woke from that or it just vanished, but it was quite a brief “vision”. Maybe I was snoring? Or... I just don't know. - Next thing, it was well after 6.00 and I woke, looked at the clock, disappointed that it was so “late”, thought “Must get up and order groceries. FS must be posted by now... rolled over, looked back at the clock, saw that it was past 6.30 and got up. - Coffee on, halfie-smoke from last night, (dressed, of course). Out-side, my moustache began to freeze. Looked at the thermometer out there. Looked like -10°F! Came back in, poured coffee, headed for the drawing room, checked the météo. Indeed... -6°F! But the skies are delightfully clear. Of course they are, that's why it's so bloody COLD this morning. - Next. Checked the balance on FS. Seems I'm getting 132/mo. now. I THOUGHT it was more like 134 but nope. Anyway, there was enough to cover the “order” and a bit left for meat and dairy (though not much). - On-line... adjusted an item here and there and CLICK... the order placed. BUT... WHEN THE CONFIRMATION CAME THROUGH... THE RICE, SPICES AND SOUPS “ARRIVAL”... 01 *** APRIL ***!!! APRIL? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT? WELL... I'M NOT GOING BACK TO CANCEL THE ORDER BECAUSE I'VE NO DOUBT, THEY'LL HOLD THE CHARGES FOR ABOUT A MONTH WHICH WILL LEAVE ME WITH-OUT THAT AMOUNT FOR THAT TIME AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO “REPLACE” ANY OF THE ORDER. SO? LEAVING IT AS IT IS. THANKFULLY IT'S NOT THE “MAIN” ORDER. JUST... NO RICE/SOUPS FOR A WHILE. AND THOSE ARE THE “HEAVY” ITEMS ANY-WAY. FUCK! NOT A HAPPY WAY TO BEGIN A DAY (OR A WEEK... SINCE IT'S SUNDAY.) - Oh well, oh well. MEAN-WHILE... the fucking furnace is running amok this morning! Running, running, running. Yes, it's COLD out there but this is getting a bit annoying. I'm looking at météo just now... -18/-21° “matin”... -4/-7° “après-midi”... -4/-8° tonight and high of 3/1° for tomorrow with rain/snow. All pluses through the week until Friday at which point, back to the double negatives. I'm just thinking “oil” and not enough to make a 100gal delivery before soc.sec. again. Well? Back to the oven and radiators. So much for “saving electric”... I suppose. (After all... the “tarot” did say “Loss of something of value”... Oil? FS? Though, the common response of card readers on-line is that yes, tarot can be changed... Oh... superstitions. - And, meanwhile, my eyes are “twitching” again. Probably the aggravation of this morning's bull-shit order. The past few days have been “too good”. Still, in all honesty, I can't really be TOO annoyed... generally, life HAS taken a turn for the better in the past 7 months. let's celebrate and appreciate that much. AND, I'm sitting at the “work table”, looking out the window now, instead of being in the darker kitchen. (And the fucking furnace just kicked-up again! I need to address that... IMMEDIATELY! ON WE GO... move forward, forward, forward until...) - 16.44 It has been a NON-STOP DAY ALL DAY! The sun shone beautifully out-side as the temperature rose to about -6°. With the exception of a few smoke breaks, I spent the ENTIRE DAY in the drawing room, sorting through boxes, bags, general shits, putting things together, testing pens, organsing the shelves and emptying old cartridges into a little “model enamel” jar because I actually CLEANED two of them out (the white was a BITCH!) particularly because I wanted to empty some cartridges into one... so that I had ink to try and use the quills AND, LO, AND BEHOLD, AND I ACTUALLY USED A QUILL to jot a note and test my ability. Now I can hardly wait to “scribe” something! WOOHOO! But, the work began mostly because I KNOW I HAD a Rapidograph some-where, but, having gone through EVERY box and bag and shit, I can almost honestly say that I no longer have it. I KNOW I HAD one at 5199. Maybe THAT was the “loss of something of value” that was “in the cards” yesterday because they're about 25-35$ EACH! And now? One can safely say... it's gone. Oh well. And to think: I THOUGHT I might get to do some water-colouring today... try to teach me how to (not) paint snow. I caught 2 videos from YooToob on the subject. I'll have to look at the 2nd one all through. It LOOKS pretty straight forward and not TOO difficult but we shall see... WHEN I get the moment to sit at the “work table” and WORK! - Right now, the pasta that's left is in the pot. I need to figure something extra to add because there isn't very much to eat in there. In the freeze there are 6 pieces of chicken (3 boneless breasts), 2 burgers. I need to get to the market to get more meat and some dairy (HAH... I've got about 40-50$ left for food for the next month). - And then, tomorrow the kitchen chairs should arrive and I realised today... TODAY... that the ones I ordered were cheaper but they're NOT the ones I actually wanted. Oh well. They're chairs. They're mine. That's that. Then Wednesday, SOME of my groceries will arrive. (That fucking rice threw the rest of the fucking order off. I still can't believe they're telling me 1 April! FUCK!) - But for now... the day's “toil” is done... off to “meal” and then? The count-down to BED... again. - 16.59 Just checking my e-mails and got a notice from Bamalamzoons!!! *** Up-date *** on the RICE and such: 14-19 February. WELL! At least it's THIS month! Let's see how it works out. - 21.37 Another day has come and gone. - The delay in the grocery order? TWO TINS of tomato soup! THEY'LL arrive in April! Funny, that, because I added them just to make the “Free Shipping” minimum! The rest, the RICE, which is more important than the soup, should be coming this week. That, and the mushroom soup (which I want for the chicken... that I'll get when I get into town again). How odd! How silly. 2 tins of soup... a special trip. And, to think, in March, I'll place another order for groceries anyway. Oh well... Perhaps I'll order more tomato soup again... just to see how long that'll take. Oh... “lol”, I suppose. - Meanwhile, the house was set at 60F all day and earlier, I put it up to 64F. Now, 64F feels “warm”. I have to get to the cellar tomorrow, check the oil. Always something to be “anxious” about. Hoepfully the budget for this month will allow for another delivery. I'll need about 170$ “extra” for it. And I've got 40$ in “domain renewals” coming out of this one too. Not to mention, the “extra” I'll owe on the electric, come July... AND THE TRUCK! Oh well... still beats being across the lake, no matter how I shake it. - Now? Time for BED! Soc.med. is done. So too... am I. “Tomorrow is another day”. If I get it? I'll work with it. If not? None of any-thing for the past almost 65 years will matter. - And tomorrow evening... I'll be assembling MY kitchen chairs! MINE! A “Home at the end of the world”. -

Mon.10.Feb: 6.16 Woke, of my own accord, at 4.25... looked at the clock and pondered... until 4.30, when I got up, went for a morning slash, put the coffee on, got dressed and headed to the door for a morning smoke. Opened the front door, ready to step out only to find... MORE SNOW on the porch! OK. Grab the broom and away we went. Thankfully, it's only several millimetres, and mostly “drift”. But there's a considerable wind a-blowin', mostly from the South. And thankfully, only single-digit minus on the temperature. Well? Sweeping done, smoke had, in for coffee and ANOTHER fucking down-load for “Adobe”, which I'd just done, only yesterday. Whilst on-the-line, a quick check of “orders and purchases”. I mean, WTF? With the soup coming in a month... So I learnt, this lovely morn: Nora and Margret are in Albany, due in New Russia on Wednesday. Groceries01 not shipped but due Wednesday. Groceries02 (rice) not shipped but expected Wednesday week. Chairs “loaded on delivery vehicle” in Plattsburgh to be delivered today. 'twill be a “busy” week, and “guests” from UPS. I'm actually looking forward to the arrival of Nora's book though. Looking forward to re-reading it. Ah... The Bronx... the “real Home”. - Meanwhile, have had coffee. Watched as the “E-Town crew” came round to run the plough o'er Simonds Hill as the state came a-rollin' up the main. There isn't all that much snow on the roads, but I suppose I should be “impressed” that they come round when they do. Compared to “across the lake”, it's quite novel, seeing people actually WORKING. - And so, I sit here, in the “drawing room”, done with 2nd coffee, just in from second sweeping and smoke, the furnace has kicked twice since I woke. Set at 61F, it's not too bad in here this morning. And the day rolls along... How charming. - 9.48 Went out to shovel the front of the house, the Pee-Oh ramp and boxes and a bit of the parking area... moved on to access to the basement (and checked the oil... HALF A TANK! FUCK!) and am only JUST now getting back in. I believe I started at about 8.30-ish. And the temperature is rising so as to melt the bit of snow remaining. A clear path for this evening's delivery? (And “they” think it's for “them”! Not hardly. - As I was finishing, John D. stopped by, said “Save your energy and your back. I'm just going to get some anti-freeze.” I joked: “There's a little store, just past the light, on the left, sells anit-freeze too.” “Which store is that?” asked he. “I believe they call it the 'Boquet Liquor Store'.” said I. He smiled and replied “I think what I need is 'Prestone'.” and I just said “I had the time and the energy... besides, it kept me out of trouble.” And off he went. I can't help but think: From Lyle and Cecil, the two most disliked men in Fuklin, I come to New Russia to align with the most disliked man in the hamlet. Oh well. I'm not exactly “loved and cherished” here so... Fukkem. Fukkemall. - Now? I've set the thermostat for about 58F. Let's see how it works out. There's another “snap” coming on the week-end. I'll not have the furnace running amok til then. Surely, it won't go through a quarter tank in a week, but I'm taking NO chances. (I've been feeling better about having the radiators off these past two weeks. I'd like to keep it that way. Mayhaps I'll figure a way to get one into the drawing room, the other in the bed-room and keep it at that. I just have to figure the outlets that will carry the load. Oh... a 2000-year old house... in the Adirondacks. My little “dream come true”. - Now to wait until the post is in. I'm not expecting any-thing but one never knows. Shit is BOUND to arrive... un-expectedly and un-wantedly. After all, if it didn't, I'd be living some-body else's life. - 10.38 NORA AND MARGRET BOTH ARRIVED, JUST NOW, SAME PARCEL, HARD-COVER, NOT BAD CONDITION (though not as great as others... Nora's a library book... from Mahopac, and Margret's a bit on the “book club” quality)! I'm rather amazed... AND PLEASED! Meanwhile, I'm still getting the “snub” from the little Crystal-qunt. Poor little shit, that one. Oh well. I'm not desperate for love. - And with the furnace set at 58F... it just kicked on. Hmmm.... It's going too be “interesting”. Hopefully SOME sun-shine manages to hit the house during the day. - 14.37 “Things” in the drawing-room are FINALLY “together”. The shelves are neat. Bunches of papers, cards, notes, &c. have been either “filed” or tossed. The art papers are organised. It appears to be a WORKING sort of room. (I'm SO tempted to go for broke and if I can wangle, which I can't, really, just order the damned chair now, instead of hoping to have the money at the end of the month... which I won't because I need oil). Oh well... And I gave up and in and put the thermostat up to about 64F. It was just TOO BLOODY FUCKING COLD in here all day. I had a second snooze and it was HELL trying to come out from under the “Dixie blanket”. But with a touch of warmth, it's (I'm) better. I just wish the sun would shine solidly. But, at least the snow and ice are melting out-side (where it feels warmer than it does in-side). - And this evening... kitchen chairs! (Wednesday... groceries.) The books are on the shelf in the living-room and that poor thing is at capacity... and I still have another book to put in there, because I'm reading it. Hmmm... More shelves? No. Not right now. (I can't get into the garage now any-way.... ploughed in.) - OK... Feeling “artsy”. Want to use a quill, water-colours... do something “creative”. Let's see where THIS mood gets me to... At least I've a room, table and space in which... - 22.20 THE CHAIRS ARRIVED AND ARE ASSEMBLED... And they're REALLY nice! Not my original IKEA chairs but they ARE nice... and comfy... and they're *** MINE *** !!! BUT... Yes... BUT... One chair has MANY flaws. A piece on the back of the seat part almost split! The seats are 2 pieces of wood instead of one. There were “dings” in the soft pine. The finish on one, at the top of the back is “missing”. It took 2 hours to assemble them. I've already put in my “2-Star Review” with 6 photos. I doubt it'll get published... But if it comes to it, I'll just post to soc.med. I'm rather disappointed. Good thing they weren't the “regular” price of 128$! I got 104$-worth. Still, Each chair isn't worth 52$. I'm just figuring the cost of shipping and that I didn't have to go get them. Anyway, I'd just sat down to “meal” (chicken with brown rice, one piece of chicken tonight with left-overs for tomorrow evening) when I heard the light tap on the door. I'd been looking for Corey to arrive, but there he was. I caught him as he was going back to the truck. “I didn't know that you were home.” (As he says when I show at the door.) When I said that I didn't want him to carry that alone he told me “It's not that heavy at all.” And no, it wasn't. 2 chairs, quite light. I was already leery. So I warned him about Wednesday's delivery and told him to let me know when he got here and I'll help. He appreciates that. I appreciate that he appreciates it. And so, I came in, finished meal and “The Five”, put the dishes in the sink and got to it. Didn't finish until just after 20.00!!! Then, as I say, I posted my “review”. The box is quite large, but I've “incorporated” it in the drawing-room. Covers more “blue” and lends a bit of “insulation” on that common wall, and “hides” some more shit that I'll have to sort through... eventually. (I NEED TO GET TO THE DUMP!) - And, all done, I was listening to “Cigarettes After Sex” on OOtoob and so, I've down-loaded a shit-load more of their music. Might be duplicates of what I have already, but I'll sort through it (more “to do”... pass time). - And so, a thought crossed my mind: My hot water doesn't seem so hot of late. I wonder if the Pee-Oh isn't letting it run over there in the cold weather. I'll ask tomorrow. No doubt I'll get attitude. And if I do, I'll ring Alden and inquire... kindly. - SO... aside from a bought of slight “depression” this after-noon (for about 20 minutes as I laid on the futon before meal), it's been quite the day. Shovelling this morning, a path to the cellar, checking the oil, seeing enough to last, at the very least, through this month, putting the drawing-room in order, getting the books, the chairs... and now the house is settled, as if nothing at all had taken place all day. And I need to get into bed! Having last hot water. Have had last smoke. - It's cool/warm out there tonight. The snows have been melting. There's a fog rising across the road. It's supposed to be “fairly OK”, temperature-wise, until Friday when we HIT BITTER AGAIN for Friday and Saturday. - If all permits tomorrow, I DO believe I'll toddle into market. I'm running out of meat products. Eggs are on sale but I doubt there'll be a dozen left. Fuckers. The exercise might do me some good though. We'll see how I feel when I wake... and at what time. I don't want to get up any later than 5.00. So... I'm off now... Finish my water, brush my teeth and DONE.

Tue.11.Feb: 7.36 Off and running with a small list of thing I want to accomplish with this day, in spite of getting out of bed at 7.00! Yes, 7.00! Didn't get to bed until almost 23.00 last night. Read a bit before giving-up and giving-in to the day. But I believe I was “lights out” before mid-night. Woke at about 2.30 but went right back to sleep. Heard the 5.00 alarm, turned it off, laid in bed, pondering getting up and went right back to sleep. When I woke next, it was going for 7.00, I was disappointed in me, but stayed there until... 7.00. And now, up, dressed, coffee in press, had a smoke. The morning is grey, not too cold, quite on the “damp” side, of course. And I'd considered a town-toddle today but I'm truly not in the mood, nor do I feel “up to it”. Not to mention, there are “things” I'd like, very much to do, especially before “up-dates” to this fucking lap-top. (MUST get files off here BEFORE that... in case of... well, Microsoft fuck-ups.) - There's “food” for tonight's meal, so that's not an emergency situation. I should bake more bread, and there's 2 eggs left in the fridge that should be used. 1 for bread, the other for cookies. There's more flour due with tomorrow's groceries. Oh... we shall see how it runs. If I hold out... Friday is supposed to be miserably bitter again. That would be a good day to bake. Oh well. I make lists, I think of things to do... we can only wait... “Time” will reveal all. - For now... coffee and focus and on with what-ever. Not expecting any sorts of deliveries today so.... - 9.17 OK! There's ONE item on the list, completed: Journals up-dated and some images for the month, included. Not, of course, on the WP version. One of these days I MIGHT go into that, but for now, it's the “data”, the “particulars” that are on that version. - Just in from a quick smoke. Ms. Crystal arrived EARLY... “charming” as what-ever. Timing wasn't so great, as I don't like to be out there smoking when ANY-body is at the Pee-Oh. But... fukkit. After the list I made of MY “contributions” to that hole... It'll be “interesting” to see what sort of “attitude” I get from the “replacement”. Anyway... one item on the list done... let's move on to the next. - Oddly, I'm feeling a bit “chilled” at the moment. Cold hands and such. Thermostat remains set at 62F, reading 65F. That's not cold. But I get chills... and of course, I PANIC when that happens! Thanks to the “kidney infection” from “Shitholia”, it do tend to panic from the slightest chills. - One thing I'll mention this morning, before moving along: I DO like the new chairs in the kitchen. 4 would look lovely, but not at that price for that shit quality. (I have to check to see the “rejection” of my “review” too... Can't wait to argue THIS one! Fuck.) - 13.56 There was no post today but I managed to have a civil and rather nice chat with Ms. Crystal. Apparently, I'm to understand that she's been having a tough time of it with her daughter so maybe that's played into some of her other-wise not-so-happy-ness of late. I don't know. Can't care if folks don't want me to. - Managed to get 2 small loaves of bread baked. “Small”... but it's bread and it tastes quite nice. SO good having fresh, home-made bread in the house. I've missed that over the years. (Odd how every little thing brings the “realities” into focus.) - Backed important files to the Seagate then ran the “up-date” on the viruses on the lap-top and now, of course something had to change, the clarity of some of the displays for directories is shit. Always something. I'm just thankful this damned thing is actually still working to any point. - Journals are up-dated. Music for G's, from Minds to domain, are to-date. Strangely, “Atemlos” keeps disappearing on Bootoob so I've put a copy of the video/audio on the G's server, stripped, of course, and put THAT link onto the Minds channel. Let's see what kind of shit THAT generates! Should-might be interesting. - And the furnace is up again. Météo says rain at 14.00... It's 14.02 and just grey, grey, grey and damp, damp, damp. I'm pondering moving radiators about... before the week-end snap. We shall see. At least one in the drawing room, I should think. - And so... another day rolls along toward another end. Having a ginger tea. More ginger to come next week (with that fucking split order). - 21.45 and.... out.

Wed.12.Feb: 5.54 And the morning commences with the sights and sounds of the local plough, passing along the Simonds Hill... Why? Because there are, as I saw when stepping out for morning smoke, at the very least, 15 flakes of snow on the road. Hmmm.... I do believe there's a line between “attentive” and “bloody insanity”. I think E-Town has crossed into the latter. Yes, at some point during the past few hours, there was, obviously, a tiny bit of precipitation, but seriously? The time, fuel, the rest? Oh well... The point of this morning is that I woke at about 3.00, having showered and gone into bed by 22.30 and before 23.00, the lights were out. Seeing the ridiculousness of that hour, I promptly returned to sleep when, at just before 5.00, I came out of what was the beginning of a miserable dream (that I don't recall any of, other than it was heading for something I'm glad to be rid of) when I heard the “melody of the alarm” at 5.00. I waited for it to end and got up... and the day began in earnest. And here I am... I am, indeed. Why? Because the sun hasn't yet risen, though the locals are already rolling along the Hill and main. I'm dressed, have put a coat of nail varnish on 2 paint brushes that need salvaging. I tried my hand at a bit of water-colouring last evening... my mind, for some reason, fixated on the memory of that “dragon cloud” over the board-walk on the evening that took me into the Hell of the Shelter. Rockaway... and the end of a chapter. I knew, though I didn't heed, what was to come... and it came, and went, and here I am this morning. The bills are paid, there's no-one about. I sit in silence, hot coffee at hand... all is, apparently “well” and the air around me is full of “memories”. Now, if only I could find a little box in all the boxes I have here, to put all those little horrors away, not completely forgotten, but just... “out of the way”. - I never paid much attention to folks when they said “You know, as a matter of technicality, you really shouldn't be here at all, considering...” and I brushed them away in disbelief. Yet, these days, looking back, a bit more educated, learnéd, I see how right they were. I “shouldn't”... in more ways than an immediate interpretation of the term. Father wanted me dead LONG before I could even fathom the word. Mother, OBVIOUSLY had replaced me with 3 others so my “removal” wouldn't have been of any consequence. “The first one didn't work-out quite well, so let's see what we can do. Make more, just in case this one fails miserably.” (Much like me, today, having found an electric kettle I truly enjoy and, just in case this one fails, already thinking of purchasing another... a back-up or replacement.) It took me more than half a century to come to my “good” senses. They were correct: I “shouldn't” be here. But here I am, obviously, having walked, bare-foot, through the shit, over the pavements of glowing embers and sharded glass. Those who'd wished me dead (and tried their best to see to it) are now long gone. And here I am, in the morning darkness, in the silence, on this Winter morn, keeping the memories of their efforts alive until it's my turn to leave... and with me, take their “legacy”. Times like these almost make me hope for “some-thing/some-where after” where we all meet again. Maybe that's what typhoons, earth-quakes, tsunamis and such are: two spirits meeting in a “beyond”, finally getting the opportunity to battle the injustices of “life”! I mean, can you suppose? Well! If that's so, there's another reason for me to look forward to my last Earthly breath because... I've got a “storm” to stir, and if I can't toss my tempest in the tea-cup of now... - Too much philosophy for the morning. First coffee is just done. Time to be “human”... what-the-fuck-ever-the-fuck THAT means. - 12.04 Well... “Loss of something of value”... Whilst putting wire on the shelves, because I keep hearing “settling” from them, at the very last moment... BANG! A jar of pens falls from the shelf... onto the “Franklin Mint” plate and... AND... it's useless garbage! So? No selling that! Fuck me. AND... MORE fucking garbage to dispose of! So? A stroll back up to Paul and Nancy today... in about an hour or so. I just have to be here by 16-17.00 this evening to receive what will probably be tonight's “meal”... pasta... delivered... I can only hope. - It's been a “heavy” morning, in spite of the BRILLIANT SUN pouring in through the Southern windows and FINALLY giving me a bit of warmth. I've been chilled to the bone all morning. And my eyes are giving me shit too. One of “those” days”. Oh well... this day too, as all others have done, shall pass. - Fuck. - 14.09 It's been quite the day. I got the wire up for the shelves, so I'm MUCH more comfortable in the drawing-room now. It wasn't as difficult as I anticipated and it's done. Then... I put 39 tunes on the iPod. “Cigarettes After Sex”... ALL of what they've done. A complete collection. And I'm listening as I type. And put a few coats of nail varnish on a few more brushes. - AND, ALL the while... until now, the sun's been POURING into the room! I've been sitting here in the brilliance an warmth. Sadly, the sky is clouding-up, just as the sun could have come in to warm the living-room. That room is always cool... in Winter. Come Summer, it'll be the hottest room. But all the while, the kitchen remains like a walk-in cooler. I suppose I could put radiators in there but, I'm feeling rather good about keeping the furnace set at 60F and keeping the electric down (especially since moving into the drawing-room and not having to have a light on all fucking day). A “learning curve' that will, I've little doubt, be devastated in due course for some reason or another. - Meanwhile, I've been “out of sorts” all day too. Concentration off. Eyes won't clear. And mood's been a bit on the “weird” sort. I'm just dissatisfied with some-thing, but I don't really know “what”... other than the truck and the expenses that are to come with that, and trying to budget the truck in with electric due in July and more oil, propane. “Responsibilities”... But... above all else... ALL else... at least there's no-body whining, demanding, expecting. And the house is in order. there's that much peace. Well? I did “come home to die”... I suppose that's next... and JUST when I get every-thing settled. THAT would be my “existence”. - Now, pondering a stroll up to Paul and Nancy's. I need to know about the garbage situation. And I haven't seen Casella pass today so I'm presuming it's bi-weekly. But I'll have to confirm. How I hate the “favours”. But they're necessary. And truth is: I'd do exactly the same for any-body else. So? So... - On with what-ever... until groceries arrive. - 19.55 (tee-hee)(as more ice and snow come crashing down from the roof... in preparation for the next massive... supposedly... load to come tonight and through tomorrow). - SO... GROCERIES ARRIVED TODAY! JUST IN TIME TOO... I was about to settle for a mix of soup and oatmeal. But... shortly after 17.00, there was Corey, at the door. AND JUST as I'd received word that the RICE will arrive tomorrow! I apologised to Corey for it because tomorrow's weather is supposed to be quite snowy. But he said “Don't ever feel guilty about ordering on-line.” He's quite a gem. (I must start a budget for a nice “holiday thanks”.) And so, the ONLY item ordered is 2 tins of tomato soup... now due on 30 March! Well! I never. - Meanwhile, as expected, my “review” of the kitchen chairs is now in “dispute”. Ambazoom REJECTED IT! This is the 4th review that had to go into dispute! I'm pissed! But we shall see what comes of the “investigation”. I'm NOT letting THIS one rest. the chairs are pretty, comfortable but NOT worth the money spent. (Thankfully, they're back up to 128$ and I didn't pay that. Had I done, I wouldn't be “disappointed”... I'd be FURIOUS!) - So, tonight I had pasta, “angel hair”, and CHEESE! And there are TWO LARGE containers of cranberry juice in the fridge, along with a bottle of “greens V8” that I haven't yet dared to try. The bottles of red V8 were then small bottles, good that I got 2 of those. And white beans, beets... coffee creamer too. Now, all I need do is get to the market for the meats. (No beef, I shouldn't think. Every time I eat that, I'm not well shortly after and for 2 days there-after. Something in it, I've no doubt. I'll mention it on my next visit to the market. Could be my own body. But hey... I can't live on chicken for the rest of my life... no matter how many weeks that might be.) Bottom line though: HAPPY me! - AND... this evening, I stepped out to find Mr. Alvin at the Pee-Oh again... hacking at the ice at the boxes. “There, I've done my duty for the post office again.” said he, as he strolled away... AFTER A MOST DELIGHTFUL CHAT OF SOME TIME. Talk about raking the roof. He told me that there are 2 roof-rakes on his porch and I should feel free to use. He was going to help rake the front porch here but I let that ride. In no mood, to be quite honest. I asked about wire coat hangers at the Thrift and he suggested I stop by, leave my name and number and they'll put any they get aside for me. Must to remember that, next town-toddle. But I'm always amazed when he takes time to chat. Not sure why... just am. - And so, this has been quite a nice day, all told, in spite of my “mood” this morning. Got much accomplished that I'd wanted to attend... ESPECIALLY THE RE-INFORCEMENTS on the drawing-room shelves. - Oh... and today's box made for more shelving in the kitchen for cook-ware. I'll have to “do something” to make them look less like boxes, but for now... they're perfect! - Looking at the clock and getting “psyched” for bed. I had the furnace up a while during dinner... 70F. Back down to 62F but I'll give the place a blast before heading to bed... shortly. IF things aren't TOO miserable tomorrow, I'll toddle right after “mail call”. I've no doubt the selections at the market will be shit, but I'll make do with what I can manage to grab. Friday is supposed to be BITTER, though clear and sunny. But I'd rather not toddle in the bitter. - So for now... time to have a hot water and prep for a night under the blankies. - Another day has passed. Amazing... they do go quickly... once they're gone. - 21.45 Off to bed! I got carried away composing a “Last/Living Will” as I thought of the verbiage, standing on the front porch a little while ago. I'll pen it tomorrow... especially if I don't go into town. - Late again... time to be off. The thermostat is re-set to 62F. I feel so terribly for the plants here, especially the orange tree and avocado. The orange tree has been through Hell, and I'm sure the avocado isn't terribly happy, although it's slowly sprouting new leaves. But 62F isn't really all that cold, comparatively speaking, and the house, the living-room at least, won't get any colder than that. - Anyway... time to get to bed...

Thu.13.Feb: 5.33 And up, coffee, pee, dress, smoke, into the drawing-room. Check the météo. “Neige début à 6h20” Today's high: 0°. Tonight's low: -18°/-24. Tomorrow's high: -13/-18. Dimanche: 2°. Lundi: 3°. SO? Looks like I'm going to have to figure out how to make it through all this bull-shit today and tomorrow... and it's not likely that I'll be toddling today. Eh bin. (For some reason, I woke this morning.... in French. How charmant. Fuck.) OK then. No prob... We roll along. After all... I'm up and dresses and rolling anyway in spite of waking at past 5.00... for some reason. I think I heard the alarm. Not sure. But I was half-dozing when I decided to look at the clock. Lights went out last night at about 22.30. I went right to sleep. Woke at about 4.20-something and thought it a good hour to get out of the bed. Next thing... just past 5.00. Oh well... no harm, no prob. Let's see where this day rolls to and what we do/not get done with it. (I've got a “DNR/Will” I'd like to “scribe”... LE FUN! Fuck.) And rice, mushroom soups, ginger and turmeric arrive this evening. (I'm going to try the turmeric... for the joints and such. 'tis claimed that it's anti-inflamatory, amongst other traits. Let's see... I know it tastes like old cellar. But... Whadeefuk? Eh?) - OK... As I type, there's blue head-lights a-shining on the snow-bank at the corner of Simonds Hill. Just leaving. At THIS hour? Somebody stops at the Pee-Oh? It's a lovely time of the day to be awake... with others who seem to have some reason to be awake before the sun rises (not that it will rise any time too soon and for any good today). OK... never mind all this... time to “do” something... what-ever. - 18.22 Pasta meal with cheese is done and dishes are put away. - Made a tin of “baked beans” with the Goya, 3 spoons of brown sugar, touch of garlic, touch of pepper. Not bad! Baked for an hour, until “firm”. Quite nice indeed! MUST try with dry beans from now on though, and I now need a “dutch oven” to make more. - Rice, turmeric, ginger, mushroom soups arrive at about 17.30 (by which time all “meal” deal was done... sadly enough). The rice is perfect! Perfect bags, plastic and burlap. The turmeric tastes better than the shit at Ms. VT's. Will have to wait for the ginger. Still have some “Fuklin Genl. Store” left. - Meanwhile... another day is done. Having hot water now. Will probably have a ginger or maybe turmeric tea before bed. - The SNOW didn't happen today. I could have gone into town but have decided to wait now, until I see the Sunday sales. I just miss dessert these evenings. - “Played” with the pens again today. Have decided to write DNR/Will with the Parker though. - Got a “maybe commission” from Theresa for illuminated calligraphics. I need the metallic pens now. But I'm in no particular rush. I know her funds are limited (as are mine) and putting all that work into something, just for the experience, isn't something that interests me at this juncture... especially considering... - My eyes are going terribly bad! I'm noticing it more today, with the over-cast skies and snow. Fuck. But in 6 months... Medicare... and THAT covers eyes! So, we shall see... no pun intended. - Right now? Pass the time until bed. - OH! TODAY I RECEIVED A NOTICE OF A CLASS ACTION AGAINST LAVALEE/MAPLEFIELDS IN VERMONT! THEY OVER-CHARGED FOR GAS FROM 2012-2015! THE YEARS WHEN I WAS DRIVING (and not)! I'M ENTITLED TO MONEY! CERTAINLY, I'M SURE, NOT ANY THAT WILL MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE, BUT... MONEY? FROM VT? TOMORROW MY CLAIM GOES IN! (Won't hear anything until April at earliest though... MAYBE a cheque for 50-cents.) - 21.11 As usual caught up in re-working a GIF... for tomorrow... it being “Valentine's Day” and all. I want to do a music list of “Cigarettes After Dark” but I wanted a bit of a “romantic” animation too... but NOT with a woman in it! Oh well... I'll have to get on it first thing in the morning because now? Last smoke and TO BED! By 5.00 tomorrow morning... MINUS 16 with CHILL OF MINUS 22! By 7.00... MINUS 19 with CHILL of MINUS 24! Saturday morning's CHILL.... MINUS 27! FUCK! So... we're going to have to watch the oil! The furnace is set at 62F and that's where it's going to stay through the night... and I believe I'll put the radiators on... just to make sure and to give a bit of “assistance”. Hey... better than getting up to FREEZE! And if it gets TOO fucking cold, this place is going to have to have some kind of head-start warmth! no sense being stupid... even if I have to PAY through the guts come Summer for the extra. (Beats using the fucking oven... I'm sure.) - So... OFF to last smoke and to BED!

Fri.14.Feb: 4.20... I WOKE at 3.33. I got out of bed at 3.45. Did the regular “morning routine”: Coffee, clench-guard, looked out the window to see no snow on the roads, had a pee, then got side-tracked and scrubbed the nibs that were soaking over-night... got dressed, stepped out for a half smoke. There's snow on the porch and a bit on the pavement, the sky is clear and there are tiny flakes of snow drifting about in the air. The furnace is cycling, thankfully. And it appears that the radiator in the door-way of the drawing-room is keeping that room and part of the kitchen a bit warm. I've put the radiator in the living-room on. At 6.00, the temperatures are expected to PLUMMET... -18/-24 now... but at 6.00... -18/-26. It's Saturday morning: 5.00... -24/-30! But on Sunday... plus 3°/0° with ciel variable. One can only hope. It's going to be “interesting” the next 48 hours. But, there's nothing that can be done to change what the weather will be. So? So... - What I don't understand is, why I'm awake at this hour... I mean... “awake”. Up, moving about. 5 hours of sleep? Maybe it's because I snooze during the days? I don't know. Or... my body's working on getting things done because it knows something. Oh. It makes no difference. - One item though: the PAIN... thinking of Ms. Hallie and Mr. Mimou. Hoping that they're OK, comfortable, protected, being take proper care of. I swear, if any-thing in life is to take me out of this, it'll be my heart, being unable to with-stand any more of that pain. I keep thinking that I need to let it all go, that, like every-thing else, it's gone, in the past, done and should remain there... just “there”. I'm surely not going to go get them. I surely couldn't do any better to take care of them. I've all to do to take care of me. I don't want to go back over there. Going to see them again and then not... again, does none of us any good. I wonder how Hallie is taking it. Cecil “left” and never came back. Then I did the same. I think of how she'd bounce with delight when I'd talk with her, how she'd roll about when we did “kisses and 'nuggles”. And Mimou, coming into the room, just to be there with me. And when I'd drive into the drive, how he'd come to “talk”. And HER? The old qunt? “We always just fed the cats milk. We never had a little box and we never bought them any kind of food.” Retard. I just have to trust Fate... Life... Nature. The shit that is Creation. It doesn't make the pain any better. But... - And so, it's another day. - I want to work on the animation for the G's channel. If I get it right, put it on the site. I want to work on the “DNR/Will” too. And I need to keep in mind that I need to get the terracotta heater together, with proper timing to keep it hot during the day today... and tomorrow. And no oil until Wednesday-week. Not even the coming. Tomorrow is going to be a touch on the tough side. But... we'll see... we'll see. (More “trust” in “Life”... I'm fucked! I'll have “shelter”... but will it be... will it be... will it? We'll see.) - OK. Rolling along! Coffee's done and at hand and sitting here at this hour, tippy-tappy-typing is accomplishing nothing. - Later... CHICKEN AND RICE INTO THE OVEN! 15lbs of rice. 3 pieces of chicken. 5 tins of soup. We CAN do this! - 5.12 Just in from sweeping the snows from the Pee-Oh and front. It's so cold that the snow is light and DRY! And... It's gone from the walk-ways. My “support and contribution” to the hamlet... the “God Folks of New Russia”. And... done for the day. Now, back to our regularly programme... already in progress”. - 15.01 WELL! THAT was a “productive” sort of day, with the sun pouring in through the window... THE *** DNR/LIVING WILL *** IN DONE!!! AND UP ON THE FRIDGE!!! What a relief THAT is! Now I can lay me down to sleep and FTW... as it were. - And the chicken and rice has been in the oven from since about 11.00. I just HOPE the rice cooks! It smells nice. “Cooking”... FOOD! Meal tonight. How charming. I shall be eating. And rather well, if all cooks properly. - The sun actually brought warmth into the house after some hours. The radiators have been on during the day and I believe I'll leave them on through the night, since tonight is expected to be worse than last night. But it would have been a nice day to head to market. Sunday is a “no choice” at this juncture. And there's nothing on sale at the market that entices. So, I'll just go get what I'm able to carry back. Meat, in particular. Chicken more than likely. - And now? I'd like a snooze but I can't see the sense right now. So... on with what-ever comes next... to fill the final hours of yet, another day that's slipped by quickly. - 23.07 CALL FROM DONNA THIS EVENING! AND, AS ALWAYS... ENDED IN LAUGHTER! Did my heart good! - The chicken and rice was perfectly cooked! The rice is really “the good stuff”! And I had quite enough to eat tonight. Thankfully. - Just spent time on an animation for Gs, posted about 10 “Cigarettes” tunes on the channel and site. Then spent too much time on soc.med. NOW... I put the furnace up to 70F for a bit, it ran, it stopped, there's a BITTER “air” about the house tonight. -6F when I just checked... but chill is -15F. Here we go! - Now? Time to put the furnace back down for the night and get to bed! - All told, a good day. Let's see how tomorrow goes. (Looks like I'll be “town toddling” on Sunday... I need smokes.)

Sat.15.Feb: 6.20 Up and out of the bed at 5.30. Why? Because I had to pee. Coincidentally, Donna says that's how she gets up in the morning: gotta pee, may as well put the coffee on. Oh well. Here we are. And it's -20° out there. Chill of -27°. How delightful! But it's not too bad in here. And I'm just in from a second halfie. Indeed... CRIPS this morn. - Things to do? Yes. There are things to be done. None that I've any much interest in doing. And I should make a batch of cookies. Or something for some kind of “dessert”... I do suppose. And I need to get rid of garbage. (In more ways than one.) So? So. here we are. May as well “do”... Tomorrow morning, it's to be a town-toddle. Hmpf. - 20.59 Day is done. I had half a chicken breast with a LOT of rice for meal. A V8 with turmeric (which tasted pretty good, I must say). AND AFTER... I baked cookies! In fact, made SO MUCH dough that there's a large roll in the fridge! - It was a “good” day, all told. Not much in the way of “accomplishments”, 2 naps. But the sun shone and the temperature has risen a bit. Should be a good day for town-toddle tomorrow too. - Watched a couple “Red Skelton” videos this evening. Had some great laughs, and cried to think “that was then & now is so miserable”. I've gotten so “old”. - Saw a couple videos on “floaters” in the eyes. Apparently there's no “cure” for them, but there are surgeries that can “reduce” them. Nothing necessary. Nothing recommended. They're quite common over 60 years of age. So? I have to live with them. Oh well. They don't lead to blindness or any-thing. So there they are. And there they stay. I'm some-what relieved. - A bit of soc.med. on and off during the day. - Tonight, I turned the radiators off again. The bitter cold is passed. There's another snap coming mid-week. Until then, not too bad. - And now? Last water. Just in from last smoke. 7 left. So tomorrow is a “must toddle”. No prob. The exercise will be good. - Must get to Nancy this week-coming... to get the garbage out. Hopefully I'll be able to get some out of the barrel out back. That one in there is heavy! If I can get rid of it, I'll be OK for a while. - And so... hot water, brush teeth and into bed! I need an early jump on the day tomorrow. Why? Just because... just because... just because. - 22.47 OK.... So, as a last-ditch effort, I went looking, again, for that portrait of the guy with snow and ice on his face, that I'd used for the adverts for “Journal Days”... AND I FOUND IT! Of course, it's “stock” but it has those “grids” on it. So I started to “clean it up” and got so good at it that... it's DONE! I HAVE THE PHOTO AGAIN! Time to advertise again! TOMORROW! NOW... I'm going to BED!

Sat.16.Feb: 6.48: Dream: An eye-tooth, upper right, the cap came off and I had to try to cement it back on along with a “guard” of sorts, that covered all the upper teeth. I had the cap, put it on but when I put the cement on the guard, I'd put it on the wrong side! So, trying to keep the cap on the broken tooth with my tongue, I had to wash the gunk off the guard. It was a mess. And there were people all around me, not helping at all, talking, asking questions, telling me how to do it and being insisting and demanding. All the while, I was becoming agitated, worried that the cement on the cap would either dissolve or that the cap would set in the wrong place. And I woke.
It was about 6.15. I thought: I'll go back to sleep until the alarm... but there are no alarms set for the week-end so I got up. And... here I am, dressed, in from smoke, waiting for the coffee in the press. As I was getting the coffee on I realised I'd gone to sleep, again, with-out the clench-guard. I wonder what caused that dream. “Teeth”? Did I realise, in my sleep, that I didn't have the guard on? Hmmm... - Anyway, that's really not such and issue at the moment. What I find to be of “concern” is that, whilst out on the porch, in what's really not such a cold morning (compared to lately... it's only -5, but will be going up to about 1° this after-noon... should be -1 at 10.00 which is when I want to head out to town), as I stood there, looking about, my brain started “drifting” into wishing that I could live here, I got the notion, of sorts, that I was just “visiting” this morning, here, only for a brief stay, that this isn't “my residence”. Just as quickly as that notion came, consciously, I knew that I'm here, this is my residence, but felt that I should have a key to the door, I knew this is my residence, but there was feeling, some kind of “nuance”, a “shroud” of not... not belonging here, not living here, not being in residence, knowing that my ID now confirms my residence but that not being the fact. And I had to, consciously, think: if you let this take hold, you'll just slip off and away and it'll become “fact”... as if some kind senility were taking hold this morning. Well! That's quite a way to begin a day. Eh? - Anyway... here I am, waiting for coffee... - It was “lights out” at about 23.30 last night. I fell right to sleep. No “pee breaks” during the night. About 6 hours of actual sleep. I should be fine for today's trek. Now, to decide what's absolutely necessary in town. Meat, of course, and other items that I should get. What I need is a little cart... a bike... the truck. Oh well... “Time”... we shall see. Meanwhile... it's just another day... in a little hamlet, built on a little “plateau” (I realised: after here, “in town”, as it were, the roads slope down to the North, the South and to the East), in the “Giant Mountain Wilderness” of the Adirondacks. “The Adirondacks”... imagine that. I've made it! - The furnace was on when I got out of bed. It just kicked-up again. Set at 62F. Hmpf. It's not THAT cold in here... or maybe it is. - Time for the loo and then... ? - 10.02 Cloudy out there, breezy, chilly! Radiators back on. And... I'm prepping to depart. HERE WE GO! (I'm too damned tired but...) - 14.31 *** MARKET DAY IS DONE!!! *** (And there's still some “funds” left for MORE marketing.) Left here at about 10.20-ish. Walked back in at 13.59 (OK. 14.00) No stops into town. BUT HAD TO USE THE LOO AT FamDoll AND THANKFULLY, the nice young gal was kind enough to let me use theirs. I SO HAD TO PEE!!! And couldn't along the road in the usual places because of the snow-banks and snow depth. So... smokes and chit-chat in FamDoll and a toddle to Tops where... TWO packages of chicken, a jar of peanut-butter, 2 strips of yeast, a dozen eggs, bottle of vanilla, 4lb sugar, a box of tea, a small jar of ciminanon (almost 15lbs to carry) and back on the road... ALL THE WAY! A stop at the bridge. A slow-down at the horses. Another stop at the brook. I DID THE ENTIRE TRIP... SOLO!!! ***** NO FAVOURS ASKED, NO DEBTS DUE. ***** Yes, it took a while, and yes, my feet and back ache, (and yes, I've already taken my naproxen), 3,5 hours (which is about “normal”, according to Goo-gul, but that's just the walking, according to them, and NOT including shopping so I'm STILL ahead). But the sun is shining in (through the clouds in the sky) and it's still day-light so, all's quite well. AND I DID IT ALONE... NO “HELP”, LIFTS, RIDES, FAVOURS, KINDNESSES... SOLO... ALONE... ME... *I* DID IT! - I need to crank the furnace a touch though. I HAD to remove shirt and t-shirt and noticed that the t-shirt is OBVIOUSLY wet from “prespirations”. I'm in t-shirt and sherpa at the moment and the chill is beginning to take a bit of a grip. I have to “prep” the chicken for the freezer yet. But I'm having a tea first and fuck the rest until then. - Just feeling achy... but PROUD! IT'S WHAT I'VE DONE TODAY TO MAKE ME FEEL PROUD. (Thank you Ms. Heather Small.) -16.35 And the chicken is in the freeze! Once again, it's “comfortable”... there's food in the freeze... “meat” of some kind, 12 pieces. And when I can pull the trip again, there's still money to get more... and perhaps... ice cream? We shall see. 30$. Meat and dairy. - Tried to take a 30-minute snooze but couldn't get comfy enough and when I went to do, SPASM in the right leg and down to the toes. SO? That's when I got up and did the chicken. Timing's OK though... almost meal time. And tonight, a quick shower before bed and a “normal hours” night it shall be! Thankfully, no Pee-Oh tomorrow. “Holiday”... more for me than others. I won't have to see them. (Though, I MUST get to Nancy to see about garbage. I don't WANT to but I must at this point... or piss away 40$/month on service and that... THAT? I need the truck more.) - And now... back to our “regularly scheduled day, already in progress”. - 21.20 GOT A HORRIBLE MESSAGE WHILST IN MINDS A FEW MOMENTS AGO. JUST INSTALLED ALL THE RECENT “UP-DATES” AND WILL RUN A COMPLETE SCAN TONIGHT. Now... off to start the scan, have a shower... get to bed! I did NOT need this shit tonight!

Mon.17.Feb: 6.56 (I slept-in.) Did the “up-dates-all” last night before “retiring” to the bed. Then ran a “full scan” o'er night. This morning, all appears well . But the great aspect of a “scan” is: just because nothing was “found” doesn't mean there's nothing there. But, at least, the Journal is still here... for now. It wouldn't shock, nor surprise me, if, on the next “shut-down” every file just disappears, or this lap-top refuses to give me access to any-thing. That, after all, would be exactly “according to my existence”. - Meanwhile, there's a basin full of “lights”. More laundry soap and a rolling pin are expected to arrive on Saturday. And in the mean-time... - The “filling” in the REALLY bad teeth on the bottom-right is out this morning. I stuffed the cavity with tooth-ache gel before bed and managed to sleep through the night. Heard the 5.00 alarm this morning and let it run its course. Got out of bed at 6.15. It's a “holiday”. I suppose. - Lavage on the agenda. Anything else? It will happen as the time passes. If not? Snoozes are always a good “filler”. - I'm trying to remember what/where I was last night, aside from on “Minds”, when the screen went blue and the message “We're having trouble with your lap-top and are collecting information” came up. Can't help but think of Linda Hoozit-Naturespirit Vermont doo-wackie and her conspiracy theories on hackers. Then again, it could be any-body or any-thing from any-where. Why me? Why not? After all, these days, I'm the “enemy with-in”... my politics are “Conservative” and we are the “enemy”. But oh, the very thought of having to conduct all manner of business on a phone. Not a happy thought. - But for now, I'm dressed, in from a smoke under some-what clear-ish skies, as the sun shine upon yon mountains, in a unique shade of off “mauve”. Not terribly bitter cold at -5°. -13/-16° for tonight. -1° and possible 5cm neige for tomorrow. More neige to follow during the week but only “chills” as double-digit lows n the 14 days forecast. And March is coming along rapidly. March... when oil will stop being a fore-most thought and repairs to the truck commence. Money... that I don't have, won't have, can't get but must spend. Well? Rent first. No more “Homelessness”. (I came home to die... I wonder what's taking so long.) - Well, coffee's here and ready and it's time to muddle through. - 7.24 OK! So at last, I find the “error message” from last night. “Windows 10” and “Microsoft” once again. AND... of course... “Dell”! So, no hack, not necessarily a “virus”... just Microsoft and Dell doing what they're quite known for: fucking with people. “Technology”. Let us fucking puke. (I always think of Liz, telling Bradshaw: “You KNOW he has 'trust issues'!” LIFE, darling, gives us those & they NEVER heal.) - I'm on with this day. - 22.49 I've been BUSY ALL DAY TODAY! WROTE A SHORT STORY some-what “outing” the old man and clearing my little “reputation” about a “child-hood episode with Joe. “Fiction”, of course, but it serves the purpose, in case anybody should ever read it. Then created a whole directory for more short stories, which I'd like to write many more of from now on... on the “Author Site”. Posted word on the channel and already got a notice and a re-post! Exciting. - Got a another message from Dorothy that went dead after a bit. More apologies for not keeping in touch. She's got actual problems with her “depressions”. Mentioned going to the doctor. I think she should. But it's none of my business. - Meal was chicken and rice. I finished my cookies so will have to make more tomorrow. - Ramaaoon cancelled my Bustello! I'm pissed! It's still available, but not on FS and considerably MORE expensive! SHIT! Figures. I had a feeling, and was going to order two next week. FUCK! Oh well... back to the drawing board. - And other-wise, managed to keep busy all through the day with “art” for the “Journal Days”. I'll have to get to the re-write, “abridged” version of that story. - The snow came pounding off the roof today and onto the little “cellar shed”. I think it shoved it down along the side of the house some more. I'll have to check... tomorrow, I suppose. - And now... the heat's up and I'm off to bed! Plan is: forced out of bed at 5.00. - But for now... this is another “wrap”. It's been a delight, working in this room today. I'm thankful for this. Imagine... at last... a “drawing/work room”... AND... in the Adirondacks! I would have never believed. But, as is my existence... I'm paying for it... with the loss of the truck. Always something.

Tue.18.Feb: 6.37 and yes, another morning of “sleeping-in”, as it were. Maybe it's because of the “Nighty Night” tea before bed last night? Perhaps. Or, not getting to sleep until mid-night (again!). What-ever. I'm up and all on the run. Just waiting for the coffee to steep. Stepped out the door to be slightly surprised by... a light dusting of snow which is still in the process of falling. But at least it's not bitter cold again (yet). - My legs are strange this morning. Rather “tight” when I got out of the bed. Always a little something to be “concerned” about, I suppose. One of these mornin's, you're gonna rise up... and fall on your face. It's called “old”. Oh, never mind. - And this morning's first thought: The arrival in Shitholia:
The person who promised to meet me at the aeroport was late.
Three jobs lined-up for interviews only to find none of them were to come.
Reservations made at the hostel for a week, and they closed the next day.
Reservations made at the North Start, they didn't have the slightest idea who I was, no reservations.
Given a room that was FILTHY, so I had to clean it.
Got a little job that I worked hard at, only to be “let go” at the “end of season”.
Into a shelter that almost destroyed what little I had in tow and then locked me in at night.
Needed “reservations” for the public shelter.
And all that WELL with-in the first month. But mostly, on the first day. Yes, some-times Life will create difficulties to thwart attempts at reaching desired goals, destination, ambitions, which, when over-come, give us a greater sense of accomplishment when, at last, we finally reach them. But THAT was more a matter of warning and foreboding. I can't help but think, even to this very morning: I should have heeded! BUT, then, had I simply gotten on the next plane out, gone back to The City, back to the shelter... the chances of me sitting here, this morning, at my little “plank desk”, in the silence and serenity that is this little place, looking out as the day begins to break, onto the still-white snow, in the “Giant Mountain Wilderness” of the Adirondack region of “The North Country” are truly, most un-likely. Where would I be today, had I tossed it all aside, retreated in defeat? Still in a shelter? Or would the shelter have gotten me a 50$/month flat, maybe back in Rockaway, where I'd've been in the same situation as I was in Parkchester, being attacked with basketballs in a stair-well, sitting in the living-room, watching the door buckle as the jigaboos tried to kick it in. Or... perhaps, in a “roach motel” in The Bronx, where English is a foreign language, surrounded by illegals, and I wouldn't be safe leaving the flat after dark? Maybe that Hell was what I said in the beginning of typing this: Life, throwing obstacles in my way, forcing me to fight for the ultimate goal... “living” in The North Country. After all, this HAS been a goal, destination, ambition since the 1970s. Yes, indeed, perhaps ALL of the Shitholia Hell WAS to prove my determination. And yes, indeed, it DOES make me happier, appreciate this all the more because it wasn't “handed to me”... I had to tread the fires of Hell, to PROVE that I'm worthy of this morning... in almost complete silence, the serenity, the delight, my waning years at the end of my Earthly journey, my little “home at the end of the world”. I DID battle... and here I am. Now, to simply stack-and-store the “before” as reference... and let it go... some-what like all the little “Sticky notes” that pop up on my computer screen every morning, that I haven't referenced since creating them. (And that I am going to get rid of this morning...) - Ah... another day, more thoughts... “you think too much”... indeed, yes, yes I do. - So let's just get on with it... Shall we then? We're well beyond the “half-way” of February... Spring will be arriving (eventually) and I need to focus... There's a truck in the back yard that needs repairing, or I'll be stuck walking to no-where. Living in the Adirondacks and seeing none of it, save the front door. - Moving along... Oh... I should probably maybe go chat with Nancy about the garbage? I'm thinking I'd rather not. “Ask no favours, owe no debts”. But, maybe she and Paul ARE very much like me. Had the roles been reversed, I would certainly give others the opportunity to avail themselves. We shouldn't pre-judge... we KNOW what that's like. We shall see what transpires... at the end of another day. - 12.24 It's been snowing steadily all morning and continues. Alvin came by shortly after Ms. Crystal arrived (at after 10.00) and shovelled snow off the ramp and steps, and the snow from the steps went directly in front of my front step. At about 10.20, I toddled into the Pee-Oh for the electric bill (which is on my nerves now... realising that the furnace is increasing my electric use) and notice that, in spite of a 600-plus “score”, because I'm not paying-down the student loans and have no auto financing or “bank cards” history, no Ikea card. I'm actually rather surprised. It wasn't all that long ago I was told I had “NO credit rating at all!” Then, I can't remember what it was for/about, I got a notice claiming my “score” was “98”. At least now, according to sperian (I wouldn't DARE put their name on a digital document) I'm at 612 (out of, according to today's letter, a “best possible score of 850”). So? No prob. The one item that gets to me (only slightly) is that, even though I technically “owe” a “ZERO DOLLAR” payment every month, I PAY 5$ and that does NOTHING in my favour. My current bills are currently paid. I owe nothing on a vehicle. And as for “bankcard”? I balance THREE! (OK. One of which is Canada but hey...) It's not important. I look at it this way: Their loss, not mine. I'd've bought more from them with payments. As it is, I'll stick to the tea-lights. - Anyway, and so... I walked in to find Jeff, Alvin and the guy from Lakota standing there. Crystal tossed me my envelopes, Jeff just gave be a “look”, nobody said anything and I was out. The can all go fuck themselves with some assorted kitchen cutlery. “Ask no favours, owe no debts”. - Worked on soc.med. “Journal Days” adverts, gleaned a soc.med. account, checked e-mail, had the rest of the bread with some butter, sugar and cinnamon. Am now off for a snooze. Then? Tea. - 13.55 Just up from a snooze and... I happened to see Avery pass this morning... the oil truck. Well, as it happened, I glanced out the kitchen window to check on the snow and what do I see? They fucking came to “check” the fucking PROPANE tank! NOW! Thankfully, they didn't put any in, as far as I can see, but... I”M PISSED! I didn't call. And if I don't pay with-in 10 days after they deliver, I have to pay full price! Yeah? Well... as I see it, I didn't call, I'll pay when-ever it's convenient to me. Paying on time (early) isn't helping my “credit rating” or banquing. So fuck it! Really! I now have 500$ due to the electric company. My “budget” is going to rise. I'm FUCKED! for the coming year. AND... the truck has to be put on the road so, it's time for ME to attend to ME and the truck and transport. Other than that? FUKKEM! FUKKEMALL! - And now for a tea and... something. - 15.11 Snow is letting up but the sky is DARK. The furnace is running, running, running, set at 62 or 64F. I NO like that! And I've got a radiator in the “drawing room”. - I can't believe... meal goes into the oven in an hour. I need to figure better ways of cooking that... as it is, tonight I'll put in 3 pieces of chicken and test to see about re-heating. - Moving along... it'll soon be time for bed. - Oh... and I really can't tell if some-body actually checked the propane tank but there are foot-prints in the snow. I have to check it now... because I wouldn't put it past that Pee-Oh to run the hot water out on me. (I'll have to find a way to cut them off... I'm tired of this shit now... just tired.) - 21.19 Baked cookies whilst the chicken baked tonight. Dinner and dessert, one shot. Brilliant! From now on, will make larger batched of cookie dough for the fridge. They came out really well! Made a touch thicker. Bad side: I ate them all. Thankfully, not 144 though. - And now? Just in from last smoke. The temperature's risen, today's snows are melting. I cleared the Pee-Oh ramp and a neighbour came by and THANKED me for the shovelling! Imagine THAT! New York... where “work” is appreciated and appreciation is expressed. - Now, brush teeth and close this day. I've had enough of it.

Wed.19.Feb: 5.34 and I'm in from smoke already. And the morning is in swing. Delightful. Météo says it's plus 1° and today's “high”? -5. Yep. There's a breeze a-blowin' out thar. A change is a-comin'. But not necessarily for the better. I've just turned the thermostat down. Got up, put it to 70F for a touch and now, just turned it back down to “normal” (62F). It wasn't cold in here, but this morning, I just wasn't in the mood for a “chill”. (Now, it's actually too damned hot... but at least it's not too damned cold.) - Mood and attitude du jour? Fuck. First thoughts are “paying bills” and the truck and the garbage and the propane and... BUT... as I thought over smoke: yes, over-all, I AM in a much better place and situation. Bills will get paid, things will get accomplished. “I should break even by January.” and so I could have (almost) done.” The truck is the BIGGEST trouble. But the fact of matters is, eventually, all things either settle or we simply move on. Think about where we've been. Especially in the shelter where it felt as though that would NEVER end. Listening to the guys who'd been in there for 7 years... and still not even the slightest hint that it would ever improve. I'm not there this morning. THIS morning, I heard my alarm and woke in MY bed, under MY blankets, in MY home, put MY water on to boil to make MY coffee... in THE Adirondacks, actually living MY dream. Yes, it CAN be done... in time. Time. Things “settle”. Some-times as we hope, some-times as we dream, some-times as Fate wants. Things “change”... in time. - As for today's “agenda”, there are things I should do, want to do, don't feel like doing... but, as it is of late, the next thing will be time to go back to bed, and I'll wonder where the day went. (At least the washing of yesterday is just about completely dry. That's a big plus on the day.) - There's a truck of some kind out there this morning. The town plough? There's no snow. The road is clear. But off they go, up Simonds Hill. They DO attend to the roads locally. Which is more than I can say for across the lake. Ah... New York. We're BAaaack. - Move along now. The day's commenced at a good hour. Let's see what we can do with it. - 5.52 Journal's are to-date, on-line. There's an item accomplished. And now... we move along... move along... move along. - 8.01 The sky is clear, the wind is howling, the temperature is dropping and I'm snoozing. Fukkit. - 8.58 and the “real” day is about to commence at 9.00 (or what-ever, since “time” is of no consequence in New Russia). And I've had a snooze... with the cold coming in through the wall onto my head. The skies are brilliantly clear, with the sun shining in through the windows in front of me as I sit at the “work table”... and the WIND! OH! THE WIND! It truly is quite amazing to see these old trees sway. But I'm thankful... no need to step out-side (other than to have a smoke, which, in all reality, I could have sitting right here, were it not for the fact that I don't want the “build-up” that it creates). Oh well... on with what-ever is to come. - 19.28 and I'm already thinking “Almost time to pack it in again.” There's a water-colour drying as the heat comes through the registre. G's. I tried it. Mostly just to see how the old “inherited”/”acquired” paints work on the paper of same genre. The paper is SO DRY, and the paints, well, there's a LOT of pigment in them. Probably age. But I got a bit done. The colours are strange. But they “hint” at what they are. The red is a bit muddy, in particular. But it is what it is... the first in a great many years. Come to think of it, I don't believe I've done a water-colour since... 2011 or the early part of 2012? No, wait, did Emily's Bridge in Richford... the Winter of 2012-13. That was the last time I'd sat to seriously paint. 7 years ago. Kriste! The time's gone by so quickly. - The winds of the day have finally stopped ripping at the hamlet. They took the little “Post Office/Private Residence” signs down. They're on the futon until tomorrow... or when-ever I decide to get to them. - Had late meal. Put it into the oven before 16.00 on “warm” but it wasn't “warm” enough. So I cranked the oven up to 350F, tossed in another 16 cookies (some of which I've already had) and meal commenced at about 17.40... done, of course, by 18.00... dishes and all. One more piece of cooked chicken in the fridge... and “baked beans”. Tomorrow's “meal”. - 19.37 Well my... according to Ramazoon, laundry detergent and rolling pin should arrive tomorrow. They're in “Robbinsville U.S.” (I checked... “NJ”) or en route to Plattsburgh or what-ever. From Sunday, to Saturday, to Friday and now Thursday. I'm in no rush. My laundry's done for a while. - What I'm wondering is how much propane is in the tank and when “Avery darling” will be dumping more in. Last I spoke with the bimbos there, I was told propane is on “Automatic”. Let's see how THAT works out. - Also, I need to get the fucking kitchen tap repaired or replaced. I'll look into that tonight. From as I see, they're costly. Have to look into a reel mower as well... AND THE TRUCK! Well, goodness. - On that... I'm off the Journal and on to searchings. Soc.med. and bed! - 22.44 JUST as I was closing... ANOTHER call fucked by Skype! Donna! So I called her back IMMEDIATELY... and JUST got off the phone. BUT, in that few hours, SO MUCH happened! INCLUDING THAT HALLOWEEN WEEK-END IN 1974... WITH *** ALL OF THE DETAILS... ! SHE had no idea! But then again, NOBODY ever has had any idea. AND, she was married to Arnie in 1970... they divorced in 73 because Tommy got him into a hunting lodge group and Arnie took to the bottle. (I was going to ask about the suicide but didn't.) Donna lived with and subsequently married Len, whose name I recall, and they were married for 17 years. Then she met Tony's father and they got married. And he died of cancer... they married when he was diagnosed. Between that and the stories of “Papa Lester” sexually “abusing” her (“We never had sex but he'd touch me and tell me 'Don't go to your grandmother. They won't believe you anyway...”) AND, I heard the same from Dorothy... And Alvin beating the shit out of Aunt Sis, killing pets (drowned a cat in a brook, right in front of Donna and Dorothy)... the BULL-SHIT we lived with and through... It's actually a MIRACLE that ANY of us is roaming free, never mind, didn't take to a life of crime, or, as we both agreed, if we'd have been “discovered” back then, chances are, we'd've been snatched up and put away, probably had lobotomies, been put on medications, turned to vegetables for the rest of our lives. It's truly EVERY-THING against EVERY-THING that's EVER been taught to EVERY Psych student... EVER! As Donna said “I'm proud of you.” And me? Of her... AND Dorothy. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? - Well... I'd like to have a drink right now but there isn't enough to make it “work”. And though I COULD dip into the savings tomorrow and get another bottle... it's not worth all the effort... nor the money. So once again, I tuck it all away, and continue on... as if none of it ever happened. - But one thing's for certain: I've been an idiot all these years, defending a pathetic woman who didn't have the good sense enough to stop a living Hell, and then turned against the only REAL “Friend” she ever had... I defended her... but no more. Sad, pathetic thing that she was. Even Donna was SHOCKED when I recounted the week-end before moving to Albany. “What the fuck was wrong with her? You could have been KILLED and she leaves?” Well? Well. There is was... and today... it's “there”, done, gone, finished... - And it's going to be a bitch getting up in the morning again. But talking with Donna is all so very well worth every moment. - It'll be interesting to see if the rolling pin comes tomorrow. I can bake some “hernle” (I'm in no mood to look-up accent marks.) Hopefully I can still whip them up. I'm not so sure of the recipe any more. - OH! BEFORE I FORGET... AFTER TALKING WITH DONNA, I STEPPED OUT FOR A SMOKE AND THERE ARE MORE STARS IN THE SKY TONIGHT THAN I REMEMBER EVER SEEING OUT THERE! Fucking shame there's a damned street light. Still... the sky is FULL of stars over the mountains! (And I just see... -11°, but it didn't feel all that cold.)

Thu.20.Feb: 6.26 The 5.00 alarm sounded, I turned it off, coerced my-self into getting up, laying in the bed, with thoughts of the day ahead rolling through my mind, as well as particulars of the next “short story”, based on last night's chat with Donna and other “light” items when... the 6.00 alarm sounded! good thing I'd set that before going to sleep last night. And so, that's when I actually got up, off to pee, set the coffee, take the vitamins, get dressed, have a smoke and here I am... I “am”. Another day. -10/-13 and tonight, -19/-24, and neige supposedly to début at 6.40, but there's really no telling because it doesn't appear to be en route at the moment. But I can't care about that. - The furnace is up again though. I think this is thrice from since I got out of the bed. Thermostat still set at 62F. Hmmm. One of “those” days. The radiator in the drawing-room is on though. So? So... I'm NOT going to sit here freezing. I'm not “that” kind of “old person” and besides, I've spent TOO many years freezing through a Winter already. “Paid my dues”, as it were. - Can't shake last night's chat. I suppose it'll make for a good, quick read. Hey... as I've been reading in “City Unique”... “short stories” make for great books. And many of those authors started by submitting theirs to magazines and the likes, then compiled into single volumes. We shall see. “I'm proud of you.” “It's a miracle you're still alive.” “I don't know how you managed to survive.” And that's from just telling the oral versions. Let's see how the rest rolls. If nothing else, it'll fill the server space on the “Author” site. Not to mention... putting the “truth” out there for the global public. “PTSD”? Hell! And no “support animal”, no medications, no out-side intervention, and I'm not in prison, an institution, and... not (yet) dead. “Delightful revenge” is out-living your enemies... to tell the story. The “Holocaust Survivors” have been doing it for many years. I've got my own “Holocaust”, only my “tattoo” is internal. - So much for philosophical poetry. Let's get this day on the front burner. It's time to cook. My chest isn't at all too spiffy this morning and there's fuckery to spread. - 11.10 WELL! THE MYSTERY OF THE FOOT-PRINTS TO THE PROPANE TANK HAS BEEN SOLVED... AVERY DELIVERED ON THE 18th... 80-FUCKING-DOLLARS! THE ONLY REASON I KNOW THIS IS BECAUSE THEY CALLED, AS I'D STEPPED OVER TO THE PEE-OH! “THE CARD ON FILE WAS DECLINED”... SAID THE NICE MAN (“DISPATCHER” AS I'VE LEARNT) WHEN I CALLED BACK. I ALMOST PUKED! IN FACT, I'M STILL SITTING 6ft OFF THE FLOOR, AND THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME WITH-IN THE CONFINES OF EARTH'S GRAVITY IS THE CEILING! NO BILL, NO NOTICE, NO INVOICE (WHICH ACCORDING TO THE NICE MAN, IS SUPPOSED TO BE ON “AUTO” AS WELL... BUT WASN'T UNTIL TODAY) NO NOTHING! SO I WENT INTO A “CONTROLLED TIRADE” ABOUT HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE OIL AND HEAP AND DELIVERIES UN-ANNOUNCED, LAST MONTH. *** RESOLUTION: NOW ON MONTHLY DELIVERY, END OF MONTH, NO LONGER ON “AUTO PAY”, I HAVE TO CALL TO RELEASE PAYMENT (NO PROB). AND I JUST HAD TO RE-BUDGET FOR THIS MONTH'S INCOME... CUT OUT THE 10% TO SAVINGS, NO “OFFICE CHAIR” (since Bamboozlazoom UPPED the fucking price of that too!), AND “AUSTERITY” AGAIN! OH WELL... SHIT'S DRIPPING DOWN! BUT ACCOUNTS, REPUTATION AND SUCH ARE SAVED... FOR ALL THE FUCKING GOOD THAT DOES. AND I CAN STILL ORDER OIL NEXT WEEK (I MUST CHECK THE TANK SINCE THE FUCKING FURNACE KEEPS RUNNING) AND SCRAPE THROUGH THE REST. I keep telling me: Warmer weather is coming... recuperation to follow... BUT RIGHT NOW, BREAK-DOWNS AND HEART ATTACKS SEEM IMMINENT. - OK... and now to ring dear Alden about the kitchen faucet. It's turning into one of “those” days. Thankfully... “Nothing for you” at the Pee-Oh... Jeff was in there when I opened the door, got the “word” and left immediately. Since, Ms. Postale has left the premises... and the rest? FUKKIT! - Rumour has it, laundry detergent and rolling pin to arrive this evening. Well? At least I have hot water for washing... clothes, me, the house, the rolling pin. OH FUCK! Just OH FUCK! - 12.22 TEA TIME! And just off the horn with Alden.... WHAT a CHAT! He'll be up in a couple of weeks to attend to the kitchen faucet. The lawn-mowing will be taken care of come the season... he'll bring a mower (gas, unfortunately). AND HE ASKED IF I'D BE WILLING TO CLEAN JOAN'S PLACE... “There's a couple a dahluz in it.” Hell! I'd be thrilled to do it any-way. And I told him it's an honour that he asked me. AND... COMPLIMENTS ON HOW WELL I'VE BEEN MAINTAINING WITH THE SNOW AND THE CLEANLINESS OF THE PLACE! And when I told him about telling Joan that Ms. Biddy had her painted as “The Grand Bitch of New Russia”, the response was “So you got to talk to Jessica.” So Jeff and I aren't the only 2 in town who KNOW... and, if the “cold shoulder” I'm getting is because of reporting her to DMV... FUKKIT! Folks know... and as along as Alden knows and I'm not on HIS “shit list”... - It's put the morning's “gas situation” into some perspective. Once again... shit settles and life turns for the better... as has been the situation ever since coming here. KRISTE! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK HOME! Also, apparently, Joan had hesitated moving in here, originally, saying “This is my second-to-last move.” She too, had rather “come home to die”. Seems to be a “running theme” around these parts. I'm not alone in THAT respect either. Ah... “old”... It's rather nice to have the “companionship” AND the understanding of others. - So... if there's a reduction in the rent for the cleaning, that'll be a HUGE help in the “Summer expenses” of truck and electric bill. There's propane in the tank for laundry and bathing. Food in the fridge. And sun pouring in through the windows. (Though I just cut the thermostat down to 58F because the damned furnace keeps kicking in. I've got the radiator here beside me. Heat the room I'm in and the rest will wait until I have to go out there.) But, all told... tea at hand and now to TRY for some-thing “productive”... other than coronaries. We toddle along. - 22.41 This lap-top is about to shit the sheets. I'm going to try an “offline scan” and hope for the best. Otherwise... - I've just finished a 4-page to Denis... describing the events of my “departure” in 1973. I just want him to know. - Meanwhile... we're in for a couple more days of bitter cold. I'm running the furnace to warm the place up. It's been set at 60F all day. Hasn't been too bad. I've been in the drawing-room with the radiator but now it's time to go to bed. - Well? Here goes the “scan”. (No doubt, there goes the lap-top.) I won't be surprised. But I'm so numb from the “budgeting” for this month that I can't care about much at all any more.

Fri.21.Feb: 6.39 up and about. Even the lap-top (for now). Ran the “off-line” scan last night, and it went well. Then, ran the “full scan” after that and went to bed. Got up, and the lap-top had turned itself back on. Did a “restart”, and here I am, dressed, in from a “crisp” morning smoke and it's on with the day. I suppose I now MUST get my act together, before losing everything on here. And I've no doubt, that's about to come crashing along. I can't care, can't worry. It will happen, as all things “happen”. It's just a matter of time... - So on with the day. Eh? Hey. - 12.12 Nothing but the paper in today's post. The “epistle” posted to Denis. (THAT should give him something to occupy his time.) And had nice chat with Alvin and Jeff whilst in the Pee-Oh. And Becky came in to see how the loo next-door juts into my living-room. First thing she said, stepping in “It smells good in here.” I like that. - So, that all done, there is, now, TWO bowls in the oven... one for bread, the other for... *** hönle ***! The shame about those is that I'm no longer certain about the recipe. I put in 3 eggs, lots of sugar, and a stick of butter. Can't remember if vanilla goes in. I don't believe so. Didn't put it into the dough. But can knead it in on the next knead... A shame, really.... that I've actually forgotten something that was, for so long, fist nature. - The sun is pouring in through the windows. The air out-side is still quit bitter. - And I'm having “quite the day” of it, with all the thoughts about 1973. I'm angry... all the time, now. Angry with every-body involved, then. I'm making hönle, listening to “Schlagersahne” and holding onto my “heritage” and “lineage” and, simultaneously, coming to terms with being very, very much, alone now. Not that it was ever different. But now, it's “settling” in my mind. There truly is no-body else. I AM the end of a short line of one. Never was part of that “unit”. But these days, it's becoming so obvious. I've no regrets. This morning, I worked a piece of “prose” and posted to the “Author” site. I was quite the little “genius”, “golden child”. Write music. Play instruments. Writ lyrics. Build every-thing from silly stuff to a complete house. Plumbing. Electrics. Hunting. Fishing. City life. Farm life. Kept a house. Raised children. There was nothing I couldn't do, or learn to do. The “perfect” child. Kept to my-self. Stayed out of the way. Was always there when needed. And for 18 years... not 16, but 18, from birth, managed to survive so many multiple attempts to end my existence. But today, I have to ask: “Why? What was the use? What was the purpose of surviving?” I see none. - But the dough is rising, the baking will be done. “Shabbat” will come... and go... and so too... another day... until there are no more days left. - So, back to what-ever. There's a day to pass. - Oh... and the little “water-colour” of “G's” is done. Nothing I'm thrilled about, but it's done. Plain. Simple. Done. - 14.00 WELL... the time of dread has arrived... I can't remember how to make Hönle. TOO much butter in the dough. It didn't rise. If memory serves at all, there shouldn't be any IN the dough... it goes ON the dough when rolled. Oh well... they're in the oven. And the rolling pin is quite nice to work with! So we shall see what comes out of the oven when the baking's done. I've got 2 cookie sheets and the roasting pan of Hönle in there with 2 loaves of bread. In 25 minutes, I'll check to see what happens. An oven FULL of baked goods. Should be interesting. Truth is... It's a dark day... again. The HATE is back. Took me almost 50 years to get rid of it, but it's back. Today's “speculation”: I was born 9 months and 9 days after the shit-bags married. Since the old man loved that “Dot” (after whom, poor Dorothy was named), he obviously didn't love the Mrs. BUT... I'll put money I'll never have on them having fucked, some sort of “stutz” that went terribly wrong. And as for the “He yelled at me, 'How could you be so stupid? I thought I'd married an intelligent woman!'” my money's on that happening BEFORE they got married. It's lovely, to go through life being so fucking stupid, believing the “parents”... believing ANY-fucking-SHIT that came out of their mouths. And now? When life should be calming-down, the bill-shit comes FLYING round and RIGHT in the middle of the face! SO... now I get to re-start... try to re-cleanse every-thing. I feel like I should shower in javel! Fuck! I had to pee just now and looking in the mirror... all I could see was HATE! If the “resemblance” of the father wasn't so fucking obvious, I'd doubt the parentage. Oh well... Fuck it all to the bowels of Hell. Just time to CLEANSE! - Meanwhile, the sun is GUSHING in through the window, and I'm in from a smoke on the front porch where the day is BRILLIANT and it's up to almost 40F! I need to start figuring the repairs to the truck... and who's NOT going to get that money... - And the “Schlagersahne” plays on. - Oh... and last night, received ANOTHER fucking “Scouts honor” from Ms. D. about a call today. She's another little shit. “Yeomans” right to the marrow of her bones. Liar. UN-trustworthy to the core. “She has a good heart.” says Donna. Yeah? “Good hearts” mean shit when you're a fucking chronic liar. - Yeah... I'm in a “very bad place” today. Thankfully, I don't have to be around others... and there's been no phone calls from any-body. - I need to get out of this... - At least the Journals are posted to servers up to this entry. I did that much. - 15.20 Well... die Hönlen didn't turn out “bad”... REALLY REALLY REALLY SWEET! Too much sugar in the dough with the sugar that went on. AND... now I know... NO butter IN the dough! THOSE were my errors! They taste pretty good though. Next time, I take my time with them. So, after meal tonight, I'll have them mit tea. D'lish. - Alvin just stopped by. Avery put the propane in MY tank and left the bill in “Joan's” door! Have you ever? WELL! - What's strange is that we all still refer to the flat back there as “Joan's” and “hers”. Well me. - Now... I need a hot water to dilute the sugar (I've eaten about 4 Hönlen already. Not bright. If I have diabetes... I'll be in a coma shortly.) - 18.06 and meal's done... chicken and LOADS of the “new” rice that turned-out INCREDIBLY PERFECT! Fully cooked. Fluffy. Almost no stick to the pot. I'm amazed. And, of course, a piece of chicken. Baked thingies after. Quite nice. - At about 16.45, text from D. “Are you busy right now?” I didn't reply until “just now”. And what do I get back? “I'll try you on Monday.” My response? I told her on my “routine” from 16-18.00 and then said “Monday? Yep. Sure. Yep. Okie-dokie. Have a good week-end.” Just too fucking tired to play her “Yeomans games”. Seriously. Especially these days. - I want a snooze now. Had my halfie-smoke. The sun's on it's way down, the furnace has kicked-up, set at 60F but I haven't had time to be chilled. So... perhaps a bit of a snooze. It's Friday. I'm not going any-where, doing any-thing. So? So... But I DO want to be in bed by 21.00/21.30! I want to be up before the sun... before the daily shit commences. Thankfully, it's Saturday. - Oh... and the troubles with the lap-top? AGAIN... MORE MICROSOFT BULL-SHIT! “GHOSTLY BUBBLES”... THAT'S WHAT I WAS GETTING AND WHEN I SEARCHED FOR “BUBBLES LAP-TOP WINDOWS 10” THERE IT WAS! I HAD TO DISABLE THE TOUCH SCREEN. HONESTLY! THE FUCKING BULL-SHIIT OF PEOPLE WHO MAKE THESE THINGS THESE DAYS. THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THE STUPIDITY! No fucking quality in ANY-thing! (Except the rice.) - I'm tired, want to write, want to paint, want to draw, want to play the guitar... I'm going for a snooze. - 21.17 Had a half-snooze. D. sent another text enumerating her agenda for the week-end. I'm not bothering any more. - Posted a few more tunes to the G's channel, and, of course, the “list” on the site. - Gleaned the soc.med. Had more hönlen with ginger tea. And now... off to bed! That's that for this. - At least the lap-top isn't acting-up (yet). No “touch screen”. But I never use it any-way.

Sat.22.Feb: 6.21 AND... in from a smoke. Out of bed at 6.00. Another day. Watched as the billowed clouds o'er the Keene Valley changed from deep grey to white. Other-wise, the sky is clear. The furnace was on when I got up. It's cold but, thankfully, not bitter cold this morning And, in general, another day. Another day. At least, (for now) the lap-top is fine. let's see what the day brings. - 23.00 What did the day bring? “The Halloween Ball 1973”... the FULL account of that evening when I got thrown out of the house! Written AND PUBLISHED TO THE SITE! From the beginning to the night at G's. PUBLISHED! And where it can't be taken down nor commented upon. Up and out and globally accessible. The WHOLE DAY! In fact, it was only moments ago when I proofed it (by reading it aloud... I might consider an “audio” version of it... we shall see... I'll need vodka for that), before posting it “live”. So, it's done! And that's ALL I've done ALL DAY! - Had another wonderful chat with Jeff and Alvin this morning, at the post office. And the woman who “thanked” me for shovelling the Pee-Oh is “Margaret”, and the chair of the “Democrats” here, in town. (Figures). - In a chat with Alvin about the “EX” license plates, I find that they're “Essex” and controlled. When turned-in, they're kept by somebody in the local DMV and any number under 100 is very closely guarded. AND... about the ONLY way to request and receive one is... to be a Republican! Well, my my. - Text from Ms. D. Seems George Cleveland's son will be by to visit her on Monday. I replied “Coming to visit the children orphaned by his father's misdeeds.” or something to that effect. No reply. I don't care. - I'm coming to terms with actually being the only one of “me” now... no “relatives”, no “family”. No problem. - Well? Now for last hot water and t bed. It's been productive. (And thankfully, the lap-top seems to be “healthier” again... for a while. - Thankfully, tomorrow's Sunday... I don't want to be up late in the morning, not that there's any-thing of great importance to attend but... I like an early start to the day. We shall see. Right now... this is a wrap. - Oh... Jeff asked me, today, if I wouldn't prefer taking the back apartment... for more “privacy”. I asked him “Why? Do I give the place a bad reputation when I stand on the front porch?” For a while, I thought it more the reason, then I realised... he lives off the road and probably thought I might enjoy not being ON the road. As Margaret said as well “People take a while to warm-up to new people here.” So? So... - That's that.

Sun.23.Feb: 6.55 Sunday... I schluffed-in, didn't get out of the bed until 6.30. Heard only 1 of 3 alarms, but the “tone” I set for that one is relaxing, soothing, and it works... I didn't even hear the first 2, and the third put me right back to sleep. Oh well. But coffee's done, I'm in from a smoke, the jammies are in the basin, soaking (my schwitz, these days, is on the “acrid” side of the spectrum for some reason), and I thought, just a moment ago: I'm back to the “City” days... up, out of bed, and on the move. True. Up, rinse the clench-guard, coffee water on, coffee in the press, pee, vitamins, dress, coffee water into the press... smoke, coffee... just on the move immediately. What a change (for the better) from the “years across the lake” when I'd wake in the morning, NOT want to get out of the bed, but would lay there, plotting how to “be busy, keep busy, keep moving, making for busy, occupied, non-stop, moving, moving, doing, doing....” And then comes a Sunday morning, New Russia. No Pee-Oh... no people, no lawn, no critters, no... just what-ever I want to do with a day and... I'm up and busy any-way. What a change... a great, grand change. - Météo claims good weather for the week-coming, save Wednesday, of course, when there'll be snow, then bitter on the week-end-next. (And the fucking furnace kicks back on... it was on when I got out of bed.) - But you know? The “short story” is done... done... complete, even to posting. That's a relief. On a server, globally accessible, and not on the likes of “Kindle” where sour, nasty, useless shits out for some kind of revenge can spew vitriol. “And the band plays on.” The TRUTH has been set free! A burden released. - Let's see what can be accomplished with THIS day. Shall we? Oh let's shall! - 12.03 IF THAT DON'T BEAT ALL... JUST IN FROM SHOVELLING THE *BACK* STOOP... path to the propane tank, on which I CANNOT SEE THE GAUGE! WHAT, THE ACTUAL FUCK? I SWEAR (profusely). AND... I did “HER” back walk ass swell. (as well) AND ALL BEFORE NOON! I came in, thinking it HAD to be about 14.00 and I CANNOT BELIEVE the “accomplishments”. It's “pissed” energy, really. That re-hashing 1973 has put me right off. Soured my in-sides. I'm back to “running on hate and bitterness”... again. And I don't like it! But, I “do good work” (so they say) and NO-body knows why or how. None of their business, really. But I know... and I don't like it... I don't like the “why” but I DO like the “results”. ANY-way... Just after the noon hour. Imagine THIS! And THIS, after a “sleeping-in”. My, my, my. - Fuck. - 20.47 Well.. .I'm running LATE! SHIT! Got caught-up in the soc.med. and the fact that direct access to the G's and Nbg. forums are fucking up. Must have something to do with the latest “up-dates” I did on this lap-top. Oh well. - TERRIBLY flatulent again. Can't figure out why. Nothing in the diet's changed. Can't figure it and it's annoying. - Got the cup-board under the sink orderly today. Put down some styro-packing from the chairs in there and in the kitchen cubby. Nice and neat. Tidy. Tomorrow, must remember to Hoover this place! - But for now, I've got a hot water, then to the shower. And then to BED! I'm tired! Had a snooze this evening... set the alarm for 40 minutes... took an additional 20, by mistake. But I'm still ready for bed now. Shower is necessary though. - SO glad I got that short-story done. Now, maybe, with a little ffort and time, I can rid my-self of it. That would be nice. At least I “worked it off” today, with the shovelling. - This is “Soc.Sec.” week. Bills to be paid... no money left, I suspect. Certainly not the desk chair I'd hoped to get. That's in the fucking propane tank! Shit! Oh well, things will change. - Also learnt today that Meidcare will come through automatically this year.... in a couple of months. No need to “apply”. Let's see what kind of fuckery comes from THAT! If need be, and if possible, I'll “opt out” and just let medical expenses ride... as I've done most of my life. I don't really use medical any-way. Can't now, as it is. No truck. - I wish I could move the truck to the back of the house. Figures... I can't, now that the space is available. Well... hopefully before the place next is rented... hopefully. - Town toddle on the agenda too, this week. I need more chicken. Hmpf. Oh well... and smokes too... oh well. - For now, let's see if i can't just get my hot water and to bed. - 21.44 All done... SHOWERED. Last smoke. Buh-Bye.

Mon.24.Feb: 5.42 and just waiting on the coffee. The rest of the morning is done, even a halfie on the porch... in the cold, in my jammies. Another day. - 10.37 Coffee done. Made a tint “desk calendar” that I've been meaning to either make or get. Done. Getting the rent cheque and envelope ready to be readied. Chatted with Becky about going on the route. Says she: the box would go either across the main or on the corner at the park. Or, I could add to the boxes on Simonds Hill... any way, it would have to be across some street so... I'll ponder. (Come to find out, there was a guy across the road who, because “He was just being pissy.”, says Becky, put a box up a the end of the drive between Eric/Meghan and the next-door folks. So... That would, pretty much, be where I'd have to put one. Something to ponder. I'm paying the Pee-Oh hot water... I'm “contributing”. Fuck. - Mean-while, here and about, the sun is shining in, things have gone calm. Checked today's post. “FedLoan” and that's that. (The SHIT flies on Wednesday this week... bill-paying and fucked budgeting... thank you “Avery”... I'm tired of that already but...) - Time to take a “break”, check soc.med. and then? - OH! Fresh clothes on me. Laundry in the shower, drying. I managed to get all that done already. In fact, before 9.00. Such a day! Already. - 16.25 and the sky is still clear, the sun is setting closer to the North ridge! Ice and snow are melting. 9°! BUT... 5 tomorrow and THEN... Wednesday? Of course! 1° and *flocons*! SHIT! Thursday? 2°... with... “Pluie et neige”!!!! Then Friday brings... fucking -5° and fucking flocons! And, for a while, back to the fucking MINUSES! But of COURSE there'll be fucking “flocons” on Wednesday! I have to get to town on Wednesday. Charming. Oh well. At least today... DOROTHY RANG! JUST BEFORE “CLEVELAND” ARRIVED. BUT... she rang so... she rang, and we chatted for about 10 minutes. I suppose she's made good on her... what-ever. - Me? I've got the rent cheque ready for Wednesday morning. Made a little “desk calendar” for the year. Got my shit together. Didn't Hoover though. Later... or tomorrow... or... “soon”. (A “Dorothy Tomorrow”?) - And now, meal in the oven, the curtains in the living-room are open and the sun actually made it to the kitchen today! - Oh, and there was lavage this morning. - Honestly? The day passed and I truly don't know what I “did”. But one thing I DIDN'T... I haven't snoozed all day... kept “busy”. Imagine that. - Oh, OH! And received an e-mail from Theresa... SHE READ AND PROOFED “Halloween Ball 1973”! AND... posted to the “author channel” that she's read 2 “shorts” and left a supportive comment. WUDNERBAR indeed. (I'm listening to Schlagersahne.) - Now, the source of grief, anxiety and angst: the truck. MUST get that rolling this coming month... SOME-HOW! 4 weeks until next income. I'll make arrangements mean-while. Here we go! Disappointments are just “up the road”. (Maybe on Wednesday, if there's anybody in the garage, I'll stop at Richie's en route into town. We'll see if my soul can take it. - At lest the radiators haven't been on all day, nor the lights, and the furnace hasn't run. THAT's a bit of a “savings”... in more ways than just the purse. - 21.34 and it's a WRAP! I've smoked ENTIRELY too much today. Might make it to Wednesday... IF I behave. (Truth is, my chest is a bit... “off”... lungs. But WTF? Eh? I just don't want to go with-out.) I tell ya what though... If I can figure a way to wangle it... there's a bottle of vodka in the next trip into town. FUKKIT!) - Dear Dot Dear says she'll call “tomorrow”... Yep. - And I sent another “missive” to Theresa, made a “Thank You” GIF, posted it via e-mail and on the channel. Made a “Dionne Warwick” “play-list” there for her too. Must get these on G's! Ah... the DW of the 60s. - Meal was chicken and rice. No surprise. I'll have to cook more tomorrow. Running out! (Or pasta. Maybe that tomorrow.) - The last of the Fuklin ginger in tonight's before bed tea. YAY! MORE Fuklin... gone. No regrets. Hopefully the “new” stuff will taste OK. We shall see... tomorrow night. - Right now... HEY! No snoozes today! It's time to head to bed! Nora Eisenberg's waiting! Me too!

Tue.25.Feb: 5.57 Slept-in until 5.30 this morning. Was up at 3.00 and then again at 4.00. Heard the 5.00 alarm and laid in the bed, “pondering the day” until... up and at the morning at 5.30 and here I am, dressed and coffee in the press. Another day comes rolling in. Agenda? Nothing. Not today when the forecast is for “rain” any-way. Nope. Nothing for today. But tomorrow? Bill-paying and town-toddling... when it's expected to “snow”. Sometimes I just HAVE to wonder. One just MUST to wonder. Meanwhile... let's see what comes of it all. I might bake... Hönle. Need a bit of dessert anyway, so... It's not expected to get “cold” but if it rains, it will get “damp”. Oven? Cook? Bake? We shall see. There's never telling what a day does... until the day suddenly becomes evening... and then turns to night. - Passing ponder: I wonder if my “note” got to Denis, and, if so, did he read it, and, if yes, what he thought/thinks of it. - Bills are staring at me on this “work-table”. The room has gone from “storage” and “dumping” to ... “work”. Charming. - Off we go... - 16.24 Hönle in the oven. Pasta water on the heat. Kitchen cleaned. Have re-worked BUDGET and it does NOT look good at ALL!!! With the truck expenses, I'm easily in the RED for the rest of my life! But... no truck, no chance of work. No work, no survive. Oh well... it was bound to come to this sooner or later. - But, I can't help but think: I've done this before. I don't know HOW... I've NEVER known “HOW”. There are HORRIBLY meagre days ahead. But... at least the oil won't be in the calculations. (If I spread the budget out... THAT'S when I go into the red. So...? We shall see.) - Meanwhile, it's drizzling out there. Has been all day. Is expected to do so tomorrow. Oh... tomorrow. I haven't really touched THAT budget... yet. Just the essentials and necessaries and the “no choices”. Well? Here we go. And tonight's “meal”... pasta and lentils... just what I fucking need: MORE to give me gas. THAT'S been HORRIBLE the past week! Can't figure out why. But here we go... AGAIN! - 16.56 WELL! The Hönle turned-out REALLY WELL! Fluffy too! Tender! Not HARD! Not quite as sweet as I'd thought, and we'll see what they do as they “cool”. But I tellya... NO CRUCHING, except for the brown sugar. MUST remember: flour, egg, yeast in the dough. Let rise. Roll. Spread butter, brown sugar, cinnamon, cut and roll. Allow to rise for additional 20 minutes. Bake, 350, approx 25-30 mins. Done. OUT! (I know... it's bread with brown sugar and cinnamon. But... I DID IT! )Took a photo of the 2 trays, sent off to Mme. D. with mention: You're Newburgh cousin will remember these. HAH... also made a point of saying that there's tell that I'm the only one who makes them exactly the way grand-mother Kessler made them... and when I did... I take the recipe with! “Pffttt'ing” faces and “Lols” attached.) - Time for pasta and... that's that. - WHAT a fucking wasted day! But... WHO CARES? REALLY! WHO THE FUCK FUCKING CARES? - 21.51 Last water... been on soc.med. all evening. Mostly “chatting” with Theresa and we've been exchanging music... she started it with Brooks and Dunn and it rolled along. She knows “Skip A Rope” but never knew the lyrics until tonight. “hit like a brick”. - Well, there was quite the serving of pasta for meal, and the Hönle are STILL nice and soft! The budgeting's been eating at me but then I realised: the registration is good until JUNE! Probably won't need oil until October... then HEAP kicks in. July will see a rise in the electric (600$ BAM!) but I hope not in the rent. So, mean-while... I might have to knock out the Internet for a while, we'll see. And I'm going to look into knocking out the PO Box as well. Fukkit. Seriously. Every little bit helps. - But for now, finish the water. - The temperature is supposed to be -1 in the morning with “flocons” ALL through the day. Not too bad. TOWN-TODDLING! (After bill-paying... fuck.) -

Wed.26.Feb: 5.42 and I'm up, dressed, in from a smoke and I haven't the slightest idea why. AND, there is (are?) about 5 flakes of “flocons” falling per hour, in the morning air, AND the town plough has just passed up and down “the hill”! If he's salting, I might be able to understand, but I didn't see any of that on the road when he'd gone so I haven't the slightest idea why he's out there. scraping the pavement. Unless he too, is up and about... and doesn't have the slightest idea why either/too/also, there. - Coffee at hand and... away we go. - Not looking forward to today's “toddle”. But... we do what we must. And I keep telling me: the exercise will do you good. Pfffttt! - Today's funds don't post for another 15-20 minutes, so there's no “bill-paying” yet. BUT... when they DO... we're ready, steady... GO! - OH! Just remembered a bit of a DREAM I had at some point this morning... some-thing to do with EXTREMELY EXCESSIVE HAIR IN THE EARS! I was supposed to go to some-where, for some reason and noticed all the hair as I looked into a mirror. Couldn't quite figure how to get rid of it and for one ear, I just grabbed a bunch and PULLED! Took some skin with. Didn't hurt at all. But I didn't want to do the same to the other ear. Couldn't quite figure how to get a scissor at it. Didn't have a razor. But when I'd pulled that bunch, it woke me up. Hmmm... “Excessive hair in the ears.” I wonder how Freud would “interpret” THAT! Any-way, as I was getting morning coffee together, I just remember having had some sort of dream that was leading into something I didn't like and was glad to have awakened before it went too far. - And there we have this morning. - OK. “Flocons” for the day. Just at or below “freezing”. Let's see what we can accomplish with the hours... “The Hours”... they pass, and the next thing you know... here come more. And they pass, and more a-wait. “The Hours”. - 7.35 OK! Electric: Paid. Internet: Paid. Author and Design domains: Re-newed x 1 year. Cheque for rent: Ready to be posted. Propane? Will be paid when they get into the fucking office. Oil? To be seen. AND... last night's “Roof-fall” out back is shovelled. Coffee, done. - But this is quite the morning... had a BM and... the loo-paper is all but worthless, quite the mess. Probably should shower before toddling but I'm in no mood. And it's “on the cusp” with the temperature: the little bit of snow falling is fucking WET! 'twill be an “interesting” sort of toddle today. And not much on the FS but enough for more chicken and that's important. Not much in the way of cash left. But enough for smokes. And that's important ass-swell. So it's on with the day we go... Fuck. - 10.09 BILLS PAID! CHECKED THE OIL... JUST BELOW HALF. PAID AVERY FOR GAS. ORDERED 100gal. OIL... DELIVERY TOMORROW AT A FEW CENTS LESS THAN BUDGETED! Now? To check post and get on the road!... in the snow. - 12.07 Out the door by 10.30... and the groceries put-up and back in jeans by NOON! I'd no sooner passed the horses when JEFF pulled-up! He had to go to FamDoll and Tops! SO.... A LIFT BOTH WAYS! AMAZING! (Sadly, no vodka... there's another “toddle” coming... I'll have to check the weather.) - WHAT A DAY! EH? - Now... to “settle accounts” and...? At least there's ice cream and BUTTER! And some funky-lookin' chicken and veggies in the house. AND 5 packs of smokes. All's “well”. Well? Well. - 13.44 Ginger tea. A bit of ICE CREAM... and now? SNOOZE! - 21.54 ANOTHER evening of TOO MUCH Soc.Med.!!!! Off to bed. I'm contemplating another toddle tomorrow... in the “rain”. Vodka! We shall see. (After all... I didn't do much toddling today.) - The heat's up... just in time for BED!

Thu.27.Feb: 5.29! And dressed, in from a smoke, coffee at hand, furnace blowing warmth AND... out “there”, a light and steady SLUSH is falling from the pitch-black skies. HOW CHARMING! It's at “THAT” temperature, “out there”... JUST AT the mark between cold and not-so-cold. “What's the temperature?” “Slush.” Just, how charming. Alas and oh well then. But, I'm up and about and on the roll. Don't know “how” though. It's another morning of “heavy chest”. Some mornings, more of late than before, I catch me wondering what's going on “in there”. Feels sort of like the lungs are “dusty”. This morning, standing in the “slush”, looking about, in wonder, as I usually do when I stand out-side, looking around, knowing that I've actually made it to the Adirondacks, and wondering how, why, WTAF happened that I should have made it to this place that was an entertainment, a delight, a goal in the soul, the thought crossed my mind: “I wonder if there isn't something in this old house that does that, takes the life from who-ever stays long enough. After all, this place was a store, but, as rumour has it, was also the place where the dead were 'stored', when they kicked-off in Winter, waiting for the ground to thaw so they could be put to rest in it. There MUST be some souls remaining, the ones that weren't 'ready' to go, or the ones that went as they were in the midst of some toil, effort... souls seeking some 'revenge', and not leaving until they've gotten it.” It shouldn't, wouldn't surprise me. Then there's the story about the first Black guy to reside in old New Russia, come storming into the general store (this house), shot to death “on premises”, most likely in “my living-room”. One can only wonder... only. - OK. So there's the morning. And more importantly today, there's oil coming to feed the old furnace in the cellar. I need to get my mind together to get in touch with Richie and get the truck repairs situation under way. The bills are paid. And town-toddle seems to be something to scratch from the list of “activities du jour”. We shall see... indeed, we shall see... when, at that moment, I look at the clock to face the reality... another day has, some-how, GONE! May as well get on with and to it. Just may as well. - 21.38 Snow's falling.... But what a DAY! Started to shovel the SLUSH that fell all morning, at about 8.45. Chynna (the proper way to spell her name, so I learnt today) came as I was shovelling. Thanked me! Imagine? “Thanks”! Ah... NY. So I finished what I could get... the ramp, steps and boxes. I seriously CAN'T do the rest, the part that the plough shoves up. It was wet and HEAVY! But I got the necessary parts done. Chatted with Becky for a bit. Jeff came by. Chat and then, moved on to the back... the walks and porches. The snow on the roof had fallen... WHAT A BITCH! BUT... the walks got cleared. Didn't finish until WELL after 11.00 but just slightly before noon. Non-stop, save for a quick visit to chat with Alvin... who was shovelling his drive. - OIL GOT DELIVERED! COST ME 120,45 AND CLEANED-OUT THE HEAP. 99,9gals. 253,75$. But there's OIL in the tank! (I have to check it tomorrow... should have done today but...) AND ALL THE BILLS ARE PAID! There's a bit left in the banque too. So? So... I didn't get my “toddle” in today, but I'll try for tomorrow. Hopefully this snow will stop during the night? (I should be so lucky.) - Chicken and a LOT of rice for meal this evening. That “Basmati” is AMAZING! SO easy to cook! WONDERFUL! And there's enough cooked for another 3 meals! Ice cream after too. - Worked a bit on the new “Group” on Minds... the “Studio Minds”... music, chat, entertainment, what-ever. Let's see how it works out. Nice “banner” and “avatar” done. - And that's how I pissed-away another day. - Now? Last smoke. Brush teeth. Off to bed! - Furnace just went off. It's been set at 64F all day... comfy enough... especially with the radiator in the drawing-room. - Oh... I should say that, when chatting with Alvin, he mention “Alden is so appreciative of you.”

Fri.28.Feb: 5.45 Coffee at hand, dressed, swept (thankfully) the front of the house and the Pee-Oh, heard the 5.00 alarm and didn't get out of the bed until 5.13... I've NO idea where the 13 minutes went but... the fact of the matter is... it's 5.45 and the entire “routine” is complete! - And, worth a mention this morning, it's a “strange in the lungs” sort of morning, this one. Quite the “raspiness”, as it were. A bit on the “heavy” side, so to speak. There's a sensation of a definite “some sort of thing” either IN there or “going on”. I keep thinking that it's either the “Dung-lung” taking over, or, in the absence of shit in the air, something might be “healing”. (But I rather doubt there's a “healing”. I'd rather suspect that something's taking over.) Gee... wouldn't it be just typical “me” if this Summer were to “take me out”? Half a Summer, an Autumn, make it through the Winter and Spring and BA-LOOM! Splat. And there you have it. Gone and away. Well? Can't whine. After all, I DID say “I'm going home to die.” (And then there's Joan: “This will be my second-to-last move.” To die in New Russia. Oh well. Wouldn't surprise me at all in the least. - MEAN-while... -6°/-12 out there. It's a touch on the “crisp” side but nothing horrific. Météo claims there's “neige en cours” but, most thankfully, I saw none during my “tidying”. -4/-10 for the day's “high”... but 40% chance of “neige” all through. Neige demain. Sol on Sunday. But I'm more concerned about today. I'd LIKE to town-toddle. But, we shall see what transpires when it's had transpired. It's... another day. Let's just see if we manage through this one. The rest will attend to them-selves, to be sure. - There are “items” I'd like to “clean-up”, like the “Photos” on this Journal, the “Mots-passe” sheets really need a good “cleanse”. There's the new “Studio Minds”... and surely, there are other “things” of comfort (and joy?)(no, not really) to keep “occupied”. So? With no further a-doo... - 8.12 pissed-away the morning already. Been terribly “cold” and “not quite all here”. One of “those” days, I imagine. The “flocons” have returned. Coffee's done. Soc.med. has occupied the hours and now? I'm going to head out to “clear” a bit of snows... again. Maybe a bit of “activity” will help with the breathing. Today's one of the “uncomfortable” days. Fukkit. “THE day” is bound to happen... it's just a matter of... WHO GIVES A FUCK? NOBODY! - 13.50 MADE IT TO TOWN AND BACK AND THE CHICKEN/PURCHASES ARE UP AND AWAY, AND I'VE NOT ONLY RECONCILED THE ACCOUNTS, BUT RECONCILED THE “PHONE FILE” BANQUE REGISTRE! HOW? I STEPPED OUT THE DOOR AT ABOUT 11.00, WALKED TO JUST DOWN THE FIRST HILL, NOT EVEN TO THE BROOK, JEFF DROVE UP! EN ROUTE INTO TOWN, I MENTIONED THAT I HAD A COUPLE OF ERRANDS, MENTIONED TH LIQUOR STORE AND.... AND... ***AND*** HE DROVE TO THE LIQUOR STORE, WAITED FOR ME, BROUGHT ME TO TOPS/KINNEY, HE HAD A SCRIPT TO GET AT KINNEY SO I GOT MY DenTek, BOOT LACES, ALCOHOL (for my ears), PACK OF SMOKES, THEN TO TOPS FOR CHICKEN, TONIC, CRISPS, DIP, BLACK PEPPER, AND... AND... ***AND*** WAS BACK IN THE DOOR AT 12.10!!! I AM IN FUCKING ***AWE***!!! AND IT'S ACTUALLY FUN RIDING WITH JEFF! CHATS ARE GREAT (for the most part) AND HE DOESN'T SEEM TO MIND AT ALL. IN FACT, I MIGHT SAY HE ENJOYS THE COMPANY. BUT I AM IN FUCKING *** AWE ***!!! Even the reconciliations are done! Food for tonight's meal. Food in the fridge and freeze. Bills paid. “Beverage” for the week-end (IF I even... there's no telling). AND, funny? When we pulled-up our front, I said I have time to shovel the rest of the Pee-Oh parking area, Jeff snapped “FUKKIT!” (The hamlet's pissed that the USPS won't take ANY responsibility for the snow removal... BUT... they're THRILLED that I've done so much toward that. I can't now... the slush froze. I might try later... now that I'm so far ahead of me but... Jeff says “FUKKIT!”) - OF NOTE: I DID TELL CRYSTAL THAT “SHE” NEEDS MORE ICE MELT. SHE MENTIONED “GEORGE”... SO WE'LL SEE IF THAT COMES. I'm pissed, to be honest: I make sure the snow and ice are removed... the LEAST the Pee-Oh can do is provide the fucking ice melt? - Anyway... NOW I know WHY I was up and about at 5.30... YAY! ACCOMPLISHED! - And... feeling a bit better than this morning. I have to wonder how much of my ailments are mere stress and anxieties. (If any of them are caused by such.) - 24.26 3 light v-tons... I miss Denis. Had wonderful time on soc,med. Can't type now. Going to bed.

Sat.29.Feb: 9.00 I SHOULD know better than to push the v-tons to 3.... but... Yes, in fact, 3 last night. And this morning, up at 6.30, regular routine until the coffee went into the press... and I went back into the bed... until 8.30. And now, at 9.00, the coffee's gone, I'm in from a smoke (clothed, of course) and for all good intent and purpose, figuring I should just get un-clothed and go back to bed. Why not? It's Saturday. No different, really, from any other day of the week, but as good an excuse as any. Not feeling “terrible”. Pretty much the same as any other day. Heavy in the chest, “rock” in the lungs, staring at the world like a foreigner kidnapped and dumped. But here we are, here's the day and there you have it. - 10.01 Ah... 'tis to laugh... BLOCKED AGAIN, FROM THE NEWBURGH BOARD! Those who wish to live in filth... I can't help but think that, no matter the violence & general injustice of it all, “throwing” me out of that hopeless pit was of the greatest kindnesses. Oh well... I've still got “mine” (& VPN access to “theirs”). And the music plays on... - I need to toddle to the Pee-of-Oh... then get on with... what-ever. - 22.17 Was going to shower but have decided not to bother... too late. - Meal was filling. Pasta with lentils. Ice cream after. Hot waters as well. Soc.med. most of the evening. It's been a trying day, but the pain the chest seems better now... it happens: bad during the day and at night it improves. I looked it up... the symptoms... either something coronary or anxiety or gall bladder. Nothing “horrific”. I don't “whistle” or “gurgle” when I breathe. What-ever gets coughed-up is “clear” though often, a bit on the “solid” side. So? So... shit goes on. - Right now though, the furnace is kicking, set at about 65F. Just in time for bed. Tonight and tomorrow night are expected to be cold (-12) then... a week of plusses... though not double-digits. - OK... last smoke and to bed! No banging about at the Pee-Oh in the morning!