Thu.1.Jan.2015: 11.10 I’ve been awake since about 9.00 or so. But I just have no desire to get out of the bed. And I don’t really care to get out of the bed. Have been working on the thank you note I’d sent to Penny and Bruce last year for the Xmas gift cards and such, to post a “thank you” on fesses-book for the donations toward the car. But this morning, I am so truly nauseated: It seems the medics at hospital told the “unit” here that the cats have to go! They’re blaming hls’s cellulitis on them! AND… these shit4brains are buying into it! Me? I find it interesting that this flares at this particular time of year. “Seasonal Affect”? The fact that the lard-ass doesn’t get any day-light? The fact that the lard-ass lounges all fucking day in the house and gets up only to pee, shit and eat? Does jack-shit-fuck-all through entire days? No circulation. No exercise. Nothing. BUT… because some group of delusional idiots says it’s the cats, they’re off an running on that point. Yeah… typical and common: take no personal responsibility for your own shit… blame something or somebody else. And it’s making me sick! It’s so easy to toss little creatures out. Throw them out. Rip and tear them from what’s been their “home”. Thinking nothing of them. My god! My god! My god! I just cannot, CANNOT bring mind and heart any-where near understanding this. I CAN’T! Unadulterated selfishness! OH FUCK! I can’t handle this! Oh Jesusfuck! It’s just ripping and tearing at me! I want… NEED distance from this place. It’s just so Hateful! I’ll try to talk about MY side and MY observations. But, even as I type this, Bobo’s on the phone, I suspect it’s with Penny, talking about it. These people are miserable. They truly, truly are. He mentioned the ferrets. When they brought the ferrets to somebody, I couldn’t feel badly for them. They’ve been caged, in a room that never had any day-light in it. Never had any “light” in it. They’d been caged in darkness, always, ignored. Hopefully, they’re in a house-hold where they’re getting light, a place to frolic, were they’ll be given love, attention, appreciation. But at least they’ll not be locked in darkness. But the cats? Especially the little black one they call “Shadow”. THAT poor little thing, dropped in the cold, wet grass, left to die. They brought it in, nursed her to where she’s now so attached to people. For what? To throw her away because some morons make a judgement based on no direct knowledge of the situation? – What a way to begin a day, a month, a year. WHAT a way… – I MUST distance myself as far as possible, from this place, these selfish people. – And I keep thinking of how Bobo listened to Bruce only to damage the Saab. They listen to people and react. They don’t bother to think. I don’t believe they’re capable of thinking. No brain function there at all. And, if they perceive something to be solely to their own benefit, all the better… it’s all… ALL about “self” and nothing else. Immature. Retarded. What shit! – THIS had better NOT be indicative of the rest of this year. I won’t allow it to be. I’ve more than my share of heart-sickness. I will NOT have another year of more. I will NOT! WILL NOT! NO! – 22.03 In bed… after a day of doing nothing. Truly. No business, save to check the balance on the FS and to check and see that Amazon posted royalties on a sale! 6,84. But it explains why the balance in the CU is so “high”. Hey! More to put toward the compte! No complaints. – But I’ve not showered today either. That’s a bit of a negative. Still, I’m fine with it. – They left at about noon which is when I got out of bed, at long last. As the story goes, it was quite the day there, at hospital. Seems HLS was caught discussing “check-out” (of life) with the room-mate and yes, they put a “One-To-One” in the room, separated the two of them and put in for a “Psych Consult”. Oh well. And sugar levels were very low to the point of hallucinating. (Or so, that’s the way the story was told to me.) Well, at this juncture, I’ve no sympathies nor compassion. Disposing of the cats the way they plan, I’ve no sympathies at all. I see that as a “shove out” of the poor animals. Granted, they’ll probably have a better life (as Bobo tells it: a friend of Penny’s is taking both of them, to a place where they won’t have to deal with the dogs, and will be able to receive better health care and food and toys and such). But I can’t help but think of the story of Noel, and the first holiday card I’d sent her. Joe said he put the card on the floor for her, she approached, sniffed, then went and sat on the window-sill, staring out into the night… as if she KNEW the card was from me. They, the little creatures, know more than we give them credit for. I will always believe that. And I dread these two feeling the pangs of missing this house and not understanding why they’d been dumped. – I SO NEED to get the fuck out of here! I can’t handle any more of the selfishness and lies. – Meanwhile… the first day of this year is done. The night is dark, windy and bitter cold. It snowed a touch during the day. The cars are nicely covered. May the Subaru hold for the business of tomorrow, and may I be able to get it all accomplished… tomorrow. – I received a note from George via fesses-book today. He sent wishes for “the best” year, and described the dinner they’d planned. It read like a fancy French menu, but was roast pork, potatoes and mixed veg. He said that Viv will describe it better. (I didn’t go near the Skype today… I might perhaps should before putting the lights out… in case there’s further word of a visit on the week-end… though, with the forecast of another 10cm of snow, I should highly doubt that.) – Other-wise, I sat in the chair, at the desk, with the little heater going for much of the day. (I turned it off when they returned at about 18.00 and have only just put it back on… against the cold of the night.) The temperature in the room hovered at about 19° all day, but with the cold in the walls, I still found myself wearing 2 hooded sweat-shirts most of the day. Oh well… – I can’t help but think that I’m putting 500$/month into this place now and that the heater should be expected. But I know these people too well. It WILL be resented some-how. Fuck it. – As I had my last smoke this evening, a thought: I miss getting up at 4.30 each morning, sitting at table with coffee and cigarette, paper and pen and writing to Mum. Imagine… all these years later… I can still see the table on Valentine, the kitchen window, the sink, the stove, the letter, getting ever longer and larger. And I miss it so. – I also miss the furniture of Rochambeau. I miss that flat as well. I truly must learn to leave all that bullshit where it was: In another state, at another time, “there”, and not here. – I think too of Burton, and Richford, and the house, and I wonder where he is these days and what would happen if I contacted him some-how. I don’t believe I’ve any cause to be hated. But then, I’m rather stupid in that respect. – Tomorrow begins the season where the holidays are done and it will be time to get into the serious business of getting the car up to snuff, finding a place to call “mine”, and of course, the annual on-slought of the “tax man”. Ah… the Winter. How I used to love it so. At least this year, there is a car to think about… and a sheltered means of getting about… especially to HOME. All said and considered, I am rather blessed. Things are rather fine. I am sheltered, I’ve eaten (I put some “P’tit Québec” into the noodles this evening, and earlier, had many croissants with Kraft peanut-butter for “lunch”. I’ve eaten.) – This month, there will be no market in Sheldon. I’ll have to think of ways to eat at the office! But, if I play it all well enough, I’ll be able to eat hot food… I’ll have the microwave! There’s an improvement. – And so, it’s now 22.24 and much later than I’d wanted to be awake. Hopefully I’ll find that direct deposit kicked back in and that there will be money in the CU to take and put in l’compte. There’s the 130$ to the house and the rest? Depending on whether or not Viv comes down, the bulk will be in l’compte. One day, the car will be good enough for a trip to HOME and a bit of shopping. Now, with working the 6 days, there’s not much chance of being brought up to MTL and back. It’s just too, TOO much to accomplish for one day… and Sunday at that. Oh well… I’ll get busy on repairing the car for the trips and then… – The day is done. This year has begun. It’s nothing more than another month, another week. But I can still hope that the next 364 days are filled with “more toonies”. I hope that that was an indication of good things to come. – Amen. – Closing thought: I’ll be 60 this year. I never dreamt I’d be around this long. I’m NOT thrilled.

Fri.2.Jan.2015 (I have to get used to the new year here…) 6.19 let the year and the day begin. The heater wasn’t cycling as I woke this morning. BUT… the temperature in the room is (drum-roll) 22°!. – Having me coffee.. in bed, then for a smoke and then to face the shit of the day: direct deposit(?), snow on the roads… and then to work. OH Subaru… please run today. – I’m connected to the Internet this morning! I’d DISCONNECTED (AIRPLANE MODE) last night! Shit like this burns my fucking mood! – SKYPE. DD on!- (On Saturday morning) Well indeed, this was some kind of day. Started with the house being all up and about this morning. But I managed to grab the shower on time. Why? I don’t know really. The only thing I managed to accomplish was getting to the CU and Hannaford’s before work. No trip HOME today. But that’s because, when I went to leave for work, I got into the car, the lights were all on, and as I turned the key… NOTHING! That battery is giving me trouble. All I had to do was move it a touch and all was well, but all during the driving, it made me so nervous. To the point of being ill for most of the time. I dread the very thought of having the car suddenly not moving, and me being out there on the road some-place. Yes, I know that there’d be nothing for me to do but walk. But I don’t want to “walk” anymore. I just can’t stomach (literally) the notion of it any longer. – But I made it through the errands-at-hand and made it to the office by noon. – The mail was already there so I cased before clocking-in and had the reports done by the time I had to open the window. Not that that does me any good. Nobody shows up until it’s almost time to close anyway. – OH! BUT… as I was leaving Fuklin, I noticed that Sue was still loading the car so I came back to the house, grabbed the auCaramels that I’d gotten for her and Rache, and stopped to give her a box. Ah… dear Sue. Always so calm about everything. It was a delight to see her. And nice way to begin a day. She was in a bit of a rush, so we only chatted a touch and she was on her way… and then I was on my way. – Becky was at the CU this morning. Some-how not so very friendly this morning. But then again, j’m’en câlisse, moi. Too fucking bad for them. – Off to Hannaford’s for some food-things for the house and for me for lunch. “Hot Pockets”… nasty shit, those. But it was better than nothing, I suppose. – And so, the day moved right along. Rachel tried to help me with my time-keeping but the system isn’t working for me. More than I have to get involved with. One of the customers has closed their box. NOT GOOD for the office! The shits. And I’ve noticed that somebody is coming into the office when I’m not there and leaving notes. There was one for the very box that closed, taped by the box section. Ah… I’m not supposed to be in the office off-the-clock but it’s OK for others? I should think not. But, I’m just letting it sail. One of these days. – Day done and I was out by 17.00 and the car started and I rolled back to an empty house. Had a bit of hot “farina” this evening and a tea. – The two clowns came back as I was on the Skype with Viv. – Jester is becoming quite “at home” of late. Well, when you’re fucking with the owner I suppose… Makes me physically ill, this shit. But there’s always “Karma”. – Apparently they’d stopped at the local boozer and again, 2 more bottles in the house and they wasted no time in getting into them. – A note: I mentioned something about having an office to one’s self being a pain in the arse and Jester replied “I wish I could say that but… but I can’t.” and then started on some rant about the not being able to work shit. I merely walked away. In the kitchen, it started talking about the difficulties on life and such and again, I just walk away. I’m at saturation point with this bull-shit. That and the “I can’t get a Welfare cab…” Too fucking bad for you, there, Bunko. I’m paying for all of the rest of your services… and as it’s been said… there are many “appointments” that are to be kept this month… and I’m paying those as well. – Today, it gets to me even more-so than usual: HLS is off to hospital, all in a depression and with the cellulitis, Jester does nothing but talk shit and drink and whine about head-ache and back ache and bemoans the not having transport but can be off for MRIs and the likes at the drop of a pin, and what do they DO for it? Nothing. It all comes out of the taxes of the working class. Me? I can’t even find the TIME, never mind the physician, to check my own health status. While they sit with their snouts in the trough, I’m getting by on cold tinned soups and PopTarts and peanut-butter. And THEY whine! The first thing I did when I got to the office was to cut a money order (for 150 this time) and pay an envelope. Paying the rent is costing me (which I will deduct from the total due, of course). Meanwhile, THEY sit about and their income is posted to little plastic cards! Nah… I’ve no compassion left in my body for this shit. Not after all these years of walking and biking. – Anyway… as the day rolled down, Viv on Skype… if the weather holds, she’s coming down on Saturday and will meet me at the office. Where we’ll go and what we’ll do is a guess. She wants to get some shopping in, but says she’ll probably get it done in the morning and meet me after work. I wonder. But it will be good to see her. – Me? I have to get the car together so that I can make the trip up to see her. Indeed. – Well. By 22.00, I was under the blankets, heater running and lights were out. 2 days into the “New Year”… and I’m fed-up already.

Sat.3.Jan: 6.11 Awake. There. And with acrid gas this morning. I wonder what that’s from. – 6.37 caught up with yesterday and my stomach… well… the intestines anyway, just gassy. Thumbs are cracked. The room’s not too bad with the cold this morning. 19° with the little heater running through the night. I imagine what it would be like, had I not gotten the heater, at this temperature. – The windows are iced. It’s rather cold out there. I’ve had my coffee and smoke. Time to check the weather and get on with this day. – 6.41 and the météo says it’s minus 16°out there! With warnings of “pluie verglaçante au sud-ouest”. Minus 7 for today’s high and plus 7 for tomorrow. Ca ce peut tu? Craziness here. That was Environment Canada. Meanwhile, on the US side of things, nothing horrid until about 16.00 today. Much mention of the St-Lawrence and Champlain Valleys. Ah… back in The North Country. And… Winter is here. – I just wish my stomach would settle! – 21.25 In bed… after a WONDERFUL VIDEO-CHATwith VIV for … oh… HOURS! We were sending humourous photos back and forth for the longest while, laughing to the point of crying and nose-blowing! SO FUNNY! But then somebody rang through the house phone and the connection was cut. Typical… Makes me wonder though… 21.00 and the house phone rings. Oh well… I suppose it’s late enough. So I closed the connection and powered the lap-top down for a while. Not the way to say “Goodnight”. But… – Meanwhile, the snow is BLOWING ALL ABOUT out there tonight. And the road is “gone”. It’s a dry snow. But it’s bitter cold tonight. – The day at the office went right along, and there was quite the large deposit made, thanks to the money orders. Viv was going to dome down today but rang to say that she didn’t think it wise, considering the storm that was in the forecast. And I’m rather glad she didn’t come because, although it’s a dry snow, it would have been quite horrendous, driving in it. Yes, I was disappointed, but I understand… very, very well. Even I wouldn’t have felt comfortable driving in such conditions. Ah… we are ageing… indeed, we are. – I stayed to do a drawer count today. 35$ and change OVER! I can’t understand it! I wonder if I’d forgotten to add something to the 1412. Now I’ll have to go back and check on Monday. It makes me crazy, considering I only JUST balanced not but maybe 2 weeks ago. Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now. It’ll have to wait until Monday. But at least it’s “OVER” by that much. I don’t have to put into the drawer. – Drove directly to the house after. Thankfully… I drove. – I stopped at the Shell to fill the tank before heading back to the house. I don’t want the tank down below ,75. Well, as I’m getting ready to pump the gas in… SUE! She was on the route and needed gas! Imagine! Ca ce peut tu? SUE! In SHELDON! What a shame it was so bitter cold already and I was nervous about the car re-starting. But what a delight to see her! It always is. – AND… the tank was below the .75 and it was all of about 13$ to fill… WITH THE HIGH-TEST! 2,99$/GALLON! OH! HOW I WISH THIS WOULD STAY (but I know that as soon as the opportunity presents… BOOM! 4$ will come along. But for now… I can enjoy this.) – When I got into the house, Jester was here, alone. I learnt that HLS had rung the house at about 4.00 this morning, whining that s/he had to go to the loo and had been waiting “90 minutes” for somebody to come. Then they wanted to either Hoyer or bed-pan and s/he didn’t like that at all… so… B. went to hospital at 5.00 this morning! Ca ce peut tu? But, Jester tells me that HLS is still talking all shit about simply dying. Penny is coming for the cats next week-end. It wasn’t a “medical” decision to get rid of the cats. So I simply reminded Jester of the evening when HLS asked me to help remove him (Jesster) from the house for the second time and simply said “It’s so much easier to dispose of people, pets, furniture…” Indeed, I DO know that that comment will return to me, but at this juncture, I don’t fucking give a shit. Then I’m to understand that the dogs are on the list of “Got To Go”. Yes, indeed… dispose. My brain and heart can’t and won’t assimilate this shit. Especially at this time of year. Heartlessness. And I do trust Karma. And it won’t be pretty. I envision this place: I leave, the 3 of them will pretty-much sit about and the place will, even as HLS said, rot and fall down around them. Should HLS kick-off, the other 2 will be here, feeding off each-other’s negativities to the point of mutual destruction. And the house will simply… go. Oh well… may me departure happen soon. I’ve no desire to participate in this house-hold any longer. – So B. returns and dozes on one of the several recliners. – I came to the room… to find… 14°!!!!! I put the heater on and it took almost the better part of an hour to get it up to 18°. At about 15.00, I crawled into bed, exhausted, after the day and the hour of trying to figure where the 35$ is. I’d set the alarm for 16.00 but… I didn’t actually wake until almost 17.00! I even had a bit of a dream:
MOM! MAMA! She was trying to sweep some grey, dusty foot-prints from the red rug we had on the floor on Coach Lane! But it was in Oma’s house. I don’t know what lead into that, and I woke before it went any further. (I actually wanted to go back to sleep, back into the dream… seeing Mama again was rather nice, indeed. Comes a time in “life” when that’s the only way we get to see people we Love. But I was more afraid of either not going back into that dream or of it turning negative and mournful… so Igot up.)
When I woke, the temperature in the room was still only 18. This little heater works hard to maintain even the cooler side of warmth in this room. All I keep thinking is: Imagine what the temperature would be if it wasn’t here! It’d be another Winter of bitter-freezing cold in here! And, francehment? NO! I will NOT suffer ANOTHER Winter as I did last year! Especially since I’m putting 500$/month into this place now. OH HELL NO! – Moving along… As I’d finished the little croissants with the left-over peanut-butter in the old” jar and some of the new jar when I got in. As I “chatted” with Viv, I had a tin of lentil soup… it was cold because of being on the floor by the window… and I mean “COLD”! After, I had the tin of peaches… and they were, indeed COLD! Just being NEXT to the window, on the floor, keeps things chilled. (I also finished the “P’tit Québec” cheese… also COLD. – And now, I’m having a v-ton… the soda? Fridge-cold! Fuck! This is insane! And that hole in the floor and the pellet stove? Doing fuckall for the warmth in this room… it’s steady at 18° but it’s still quite cold. The cold comes right through the walls. And I keep thinking how Bobo had the fucking audacity to mention me putting the 8 tonnes of pellets into the garage and saying “You get some benefit from the stove.” FUCK YOU! REALLY! – Oh well.. there’s a heater in here now. (It’s going to be interesting to see what the comments are when the electric bill comes. Hopefully I can be out of here before then… or very, VERY shortly there-after.) – Well… the wind is still blowing ever so strongly. The snow is coming down rather heavily. Tomorrow is supposed to be PLUS 7° and rain! So this snow will be gone… and then? MINUS, MINUS and then DOUBLE MINUS temperatures. I pray that all will be well on Monday and I can get to the CIBC. Eventually I want to switch out from NEFCU as well. I doubt the VTCU will be any better, but since NEFCU simply said “NO” to the card… I just don’t like the idea of them having any access to my income. Besides, this is probably a good time to get out of there… considering tax time. – I HAVE to get the car together too! The car… moving… There are expenses coming along. But there is work, a job to go to. I have a job… I will NOT whine. – And now, at 21.59, my v-ton is almost done, I am in my “jammies” under the bankets (including the afghan… the afghan that *I* made… started in Rockaway). The wind is “thumping” against the house, the snow, still blowing in the “blust’ring”, the radio is on the 104,1 station, playing the nice “oldies” in French… in French… and tonight I recall the nights on 14th Street, with the lap-top, connected to the internet, to French radio stations, as I drifted off to sleep. And tonight? Those stations come in directly on the radio… from mere kilometres… just up the road. And I am thankful beyond words… for this, and the fact that Viv is back in my life. Tonight, on this, the close of the 3rd day of the year 2015… I am thankful for what WONDERS have come into my other-wise seemingly worthless existence. I am thankful… from and with heart and soul. It is so good to be “back” in “The North Country”. It truly is. (I wonder where Silas is these days.)

Sun.4.Jan: 23.29 I can’t believe that I jotted nothing all day! Well… I woke feeling like shit this morning. No alarm. Just woke at about 9.00 I believe. – They went to hospital at about 11.30 or so. All of last night’s snow was melting in the rain we had (all day). It’s just about gone completely now. But the cold is due back… ice to come. – I started to “send” the photos from the iPod via e-mail so I can get rid of most of them. Over 800 and thus far I’ve done only about 156. – Napped from about 15.15 to 15.40 when they returned. Although I did manage to get Bboots for a few moments… and did that ever go amazingly fast! I must say. – After that is when I napped. – This evening, Ramen and the Metro noodles for “meal”. PopTarts for after. – Skype with Viv for a couple hours too! – I’d wanted to shower before bed but will not, at this hour. So, sleep in the camos. – Tomorrow, hopefully, will be banquing and a bit of food shopping either there or here. – They’re STILL planning on Penny coming for the cats Sunday next! It’s making me physically sick. This evening I actually told Viv that I hope the other one suffers and dies, leaving these two to handle their lives alone. I WANT OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE! Nasty bunch. But money is the issue now. So… – Off to bed. Tomorrow? Another day.

Mon.5.Jan: 6.59 How delightful… it snowed again last night. Everything was rather clear and then… more snow. Not much, but this morning’s weather report from NOAA is “Hazard” warnings… Wind-chills of minus 34°. It’s minus 9 right now, but apparently it’s suppose to plummet during the day. Ice on the roads. Motorist advisories. Ah… January. But, can’t complain. It’s January. At least this didn’t start in October. – My stomach’s a bit off this morning. Bowels again. Probably because of the cereal and the noodles yesterday and last night. Oh well. And I have to think of something to bring to the office for “meal” today. I should go to Hannaford’s, but I don’t think I’ll have the time (and, as usual, I worry about the car). Oh well. Still, getting something from Metro will help me not have to say that I went “banquing”. Not that it should make any difference. If the fucking Mexicans can come here illegally, work here illegally, and send all that money out… I’m working legally, paying taxes already (which reminds me… time to find those forms!) I can put my income where-ever I damned-well please. Oh well… – 7.05 and time to “trot”. – And this morning… the cats… the cats… thinking of them makes me physically ill. – 7.13 The plow only just came by. And for some reason, as I went to the loo, it suddenly got colder in the house. – Monday… – 7.37 Wind blowing. Snow falling. The road is covered again. And it’s beginning to look a lot like I’m not going to make it to the banque this morning. Not that it makes much difference… save, of course, the exchange rate. But, even last night I thought: There’s really no way of knowing what that will be like from day to day anyway. So… for today, at least, it would seem, I’m not going HOME again today. I’ll just have to put my faith in the Powers That Be, that this is for the best today, and set my sights on Tuesday. – Meanwhile… back to xferring image nr. 662 of the 800-and-some. – 9.50 BITTER COLD! Roads covered in snow… and ice, no doubt. Nap time. Then… to pray for the kindness of the Powers That Be. I dread the drive to work today, but am thankful for not walking, or biking. Yes… I am thankful. – 22.53 The temperature out-side, according to Environment Canada, is MINUS 18 with a chill of MINUS 23! I just came up from a smoke and the pellet stove is burning LOW! So low, in fact, that it isn’t even giving off any light. The house is cold… almost COLD! My windows are solid ICE! Tonight, I am SO thankful that I had enough sense to get that heater, else I’d be in here half dead from freezing tonight! WTF? Total stupidity! – For some reason, inhaling makes my chest hurt too. I have to say: this is frightening. – And in other news: today, I didn’t get on the road for errands HOME, but I left for work quite on the early side, figuring it would take a while to warm the car and I wanted to get something to eat at work. When I went to the car, ALL THE DOORS WERE FROZEN SHUT! I worked the one door open with the key! The car started, thankfully, and I scraped as it ran. Then went to the store next-door for frozen “Chicken-thingies and fries” at 1,89$ each (2 packages… and thankfully I got TWO because each one had 4 chicken-thingies and about 10 fries. Fuck!). – The roads were ice and snow and patches of clear. I rolled at about 55km/h and made it in at 12.15! – Ah… then… THEN… JUST as opening time came… the phone rings. The C…. to tell me that she’s received notice that I’m “officially converted” to PTF AND I have no choice but to go to Highgate now! Her recommendation? Resign and apply when they post the position!!!! WELL… she’s PUSHING the resignation bit and I don’t trust her in the least! Especially after talking with Rachel: Seems Stacie fired a gal over there and the gal fought and got her job back… so Stacie is now moving her over to Highgate (I’m thinking this will be the PTF I’m suppose to split 30 hours with?). Rachel is expected to train her! AND… to top it off… C. is taking 2 weeks vacation shortly AND so too, the only other person who knows that office! AND… this is to happen in about 2 weeks! SO… Rachel will have to train me at that office as well as the other broad. Let’s add: The C. told Rachel that Stacie has “plans” for her… to cover HER offices… ALL the way down to Montgomery! There’s SHIT flying ALL over the place here, and this time it’s not coming out the back end of a Houle! I’d printed the resignation forms to read them but after talking with Rachel, I’ve decided to play their fuckerie to the hilt. I will NOT resign. Even as Rachel said: there’s no guarantee that I’ll be re-hired… for ANYTHING, should I resign. So? The cut in hours will hurt me terribly, especially now when I have to attend to the car. BUT… better to have A JOB, miserable as it may be, than to have NO job at all. Meanwhile, I have to look into another job… even to augment the P.O. – Add to that… the motel in Sheldon has a vacancy! I want to see what they’ll charge. IF I can swing it and it’s warm enough… I’m in there. But I have to see if I’ll be able to afford it for any length of time… especially in the Winter months. Tonight’s temperatures aren’t the lowest expected this week. And this is bitter! – OH! AND… that old woman I’ve been so nice about helping with her postal troubles? SHE waltzes in this evening at 16.32!!! giving me all sorts of stories of how difficult her life and times are! I was, quite honestly, rude. I told her I didn’t want to hear it, gave her a mis-addressed parcel and sent her on her way. Hey! Fuck it! Fuck her! – When I got into the house this evening, Jester was alone. We got talking about the cats leaving. Seems Penny is coming Sunday, with the broad who wants to take the cats. I told Jester, in the hopes that it gets back and around, that it’s beginning to look intentional at this point. Lyle may sit on the recliner all day, but those cats cuddle with him. Taking them away leaves him with NOTHING! He’s depressed as it is, and this just might be enough to toss him over the edge… and it’s looking “intentional”. I even said that I’m appalled that Penny won’t see the potential danger they’re placing Lyle in by doing this. And Jester replied with the fact that Lyle spent so much time and effort and energy on “Shadow”, giving SO much to keeping her alive only to have her taken from him. Yes… indeed… in my gut, I feel this is intentional… for what-ever reason. Of course, I still believe that it’s a matter of… Kill Lyle off, Bobo gets the house AND the little bit of “stuff”. He can keep or sell and live comfortably ever after with Lyle out of the way. What’s even more sickening is that Penny, Lyle’s sister, is going along with it. But when it comes to that.. I think of my own “siblings”. “Family” means shit! – Moving along… when Bobo came into the house this evening, THAT spewed some sort of shit about being annoyed that the cats tend to be on the stairs in the morning when he goes to the kitchen for breakfast. “I don’t put the light on because I don’t want to disturb Randy. But then I try to get down the stairs and the damned cats are someplace there and I can’t see them.” SO! Once again… the criminal confesses. Fucks! The lot of them. – In other news: a Skype with Viv this evening as I had my Ramen with butter and finished my donuts. Tomorrow I’ll have to get something for “meal”. And hopefully, I’ll be able to make it out of here to get to the banque. – GREAT NEWS! THE 1412/DRAWER BALANCES TO ZERO TODAY! I don’t know how, but it does. And I’m thrilled! – So now, at 23.18, I’ve got the heater on, but not on “high”. It’s cycling but the cold is coming in through the walls. It’s still a bit warmer in this room than it is in the rest of the house. Hopefully, for the sake of the critters, SOMEBODY will wake and realise that it’s fucking COLD in the house. But me? I’m not freezing… as I was LAST Winter. And I’ve been learning to be “selfish”… and I have the little heater and I will NOT freeze… – (PS: I also have the “Landlord Certificate” for taxes this year. All ready… to be completed and filed. Just in case… I will NOT freeze EVER again! And most certainly not for the sake of somebody else’s comfort or convenience. – On that note… the bed-warmer is on 3 notches and I’m ready for some sleep. – FTW at this juncture. Just FTW.

Tue.6.Jan: 6.55 14° in here this morning! And that’s WITH the heater running over-night! I could just imagine what it would have been, had I NOT had the heater! – And this morning, I’ve decided to simply accept the new PTF position and ride along with it and see what happens. I can’t help but think: THIS is the C.’s opportunity to dump me finally, should I resign. When Rachel mentioned the possibility that I wouldn’t be re-hired, it MUST be that “intervention” that has be-friended me through life. A “warning”, as it were. So… I’ll just see what comes along. At least now, as a “Career” employee, I’m “in”. I’ve got the Union and other venues that I didn’t have previously. And, the story about Stacie firing that woman rather “illegally”… well, we shall see. There’s the gender bias and other venues to follow… should I remain. (And, as Rachel pointed out, should I resign, no un-employment… not that I’d get it anyway, considering the HISC fiasco. But… better a bad job than no job.) Before getting t sleep last night I started looking into the “Wants”. I’ll just have to keep following those. Something will come up, indeed. – Meanwhile, I didn’t sleep restfully last night and when the 6.00 alarm sounded, I stayed “dozing” until almost 7.00. I’m just up from my smoke. The house is still chilled. The pellet stove is still “low”. And the cars are covered in thick frost, as are the windows to the room. Winter is, indeed, here.- Hopefully the car will start and run properly. I’d like, very much, to get money into the banque this morning. We shall see. – My stomach is cramping this morning. delightful. – 7.10 Environment Canada says: Minus 21° with a chill of minus 24 (Bedford). – 7.52 HOLY SHIT!!!! I JUST LOOKED AT MY OPF!!! MY RATE WENT UP TO 19,13/H EFECTIVE 27 DEC.13! I’M “CAREER”, WITH RETIREMENT AND BENEFITS! AND THAT QUNT WANTS ME TO RESIGN!!! NOT! YES, THERE IS SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY WATCHING OVER ME! AND NOW, WE LET THE TOUGH TIMES ROLL!!! – 20.14 In my sweats and in the bed. I can’t take the heart-ache (of the thoughts of the poor cats being thrown out). I can’t take the cold (in this room, in spite of the little heater going on and off since I got in from work at about 17.30). I can’t take the thoughts of the callousness of the Postal Service, simply forcing people to take positions they didn’t ask for and ignoring the requests that they made. I can’t take the thoughts of losing money, working fewer hours in an office that I don’t want and that doesn’t want me. It’s just becoming over-whelming tonight. And the weather forecast for tomorrow and the next couple of days is for brutally cold temperatures and snow. And I WANT to get to the banque! It’s becoming quite heavy on the mind and heart and the spirit. And I simply CANNOT take any more trying to be civil to that shit Bobo, sitting comfy knowing that he’s going to get away with throwing the cats away! I can’t take any more of this shit. I just can’t. – The day at work was interesting. The C. tried again to “reverse” the assignment and such, even to the point of stressing the PTF in no un-certain terms. But… it looks like I’m going to be shoved along… just like the cats. I put in a phone call to Jerry this evening. Tomorrow? I doubt he’ll respond. But the day went along really rather well. – Viv now has box 58 in Sheldon. I have 67. It’s a joy… and it’s depressing. – I’m going to try to transfer some more images from the iPod and then get to sleep. Hopefully the weather will be a bit on the co-operative side tomorrow morning. Tomorrow night’s forecast is for incredibly bitter cold. – Meanwhile, my soul is screaming for horrible storms come the week-end, preventing the other 2 criminals from making the trip from MA to VT. PLEASE!!! – Oh… this evening, Jester made some kind of broccoli casserole, a huge one, with 3 pork chops. He kept telling me that there was “so much” and that he’d even said to Bobo that there were 3 chops in the package. With-out declining an offer to partake (from Jester), I made it clear that I wouldn’t be eating with them. I’d had 2 little pizzas for lunch at the office. Here, I had hot cereal and a roll with peanut-butter. I’m fine. Not hungry. Just tired… of all the bull-shit of late. Just tired of it.

Wed.7.Jan: 4.03 I woke at 1.45, got up at 2.00, had a coffee and a smoke. Tansfrerred more photos. Checked the soc.med. Now and going for a nap until 6.00. It was 23° in the room when I woke. It’s about 20° now… I turned the heater down. And I can feel the chill coming from the walls. – NAP TIME! – 8.17 Fell asleep as Bobo was leaving for work or where-ever this morning. Heard the alarm and fell into half-sleep until 7.30. And now? Snowing. Horrid wind-chill/frostbite warnings. The road out front is covered in snow. And my travel expense has been posted to the account at the CU! With the snow out there, I don’t dare to get on the roads. I’m actually tired, my bowels are rather irritable, and I’m feeling the cold from the walls, in spite of the heater running. – And this morning, what makes it all the worse:
For one thing: I’ve been pre-occupied with being able to pay rent with the “promotion”. I’M ABOUT TO BE HOMELESS AGAIN… IN WINTER!
For another thing: This shit about the cats? I keep thinking of how Bobo keeps saying he doesn’t think HLS will be coming back to the house from hospital and he’s making this house HIS already!
Yet another thing: It’s all making me sick!
And… I need to have things repaired on the car and, with the “promotion”, I’ll NEVER be able to get that done!
This… is… a HORRID morning. I even fell back to sleep this morning, ponder ‘going HOME’… soon. Waking to this chill and the cold out-side and the snow? Isn’t doing much at all to make things any better. – Spiralling ever down-ward. – 21.51 In bed at last, under the blankets, tea at bed-side. And it’s BITTER BITTER COLD out there tonight! The wind-chills are expected to be MINUS 40°F! Ah well… The North Country. – The day? Well, Jester cancelled his “MRI” this morning WHEN THE RIDE ARRIVED at the house! As the story goes, Bobo was supposed to take the lip-ring out, which requires pliers. But, he got so involved with making little “cards” on-line, for a “surprise birthday party” for HLS that it was forgotten. THEN, as I’m getting ready to head out to the car to work, (I didn’t get to HOME again this morning because of the cold, the SNOW and the ICE!) Jester starts telling me all about how poor L. rang this morning, all crying, had wet himself and the bed and me? I simply said: I wish I could say I care but I don’t. And I left. – Thankfully, the car started. I went to the store next and got 2 pot pies. (They were horrid!) and jelly donuts and headed down the road, rolling at about 50km/h. Made it in, over the ice and pack-snow and the drifts that were BLOWING all over the place so heavily in Sheldon that they almost blinded. Just before noon! – In the dark, I cased the mail and at about 12.15 the phone rings… the C. “It doesn’t look good.” she tells me. “How’s your day so far?” I told her I hadn’t slept last night, fear of being thrown out because of no income because of this shit. SHE TELLS ME THAT HER SISTER WORKS FOR CVOEO OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND IF I RUN INTO ANY TROUBLES TO GIVE HER A CALL AND SHE’LL CALL HER SISTER FOR HELP. CA CE PEUT TU? HER SISTER! Well, she says “You have my home phone number and all, so call me if you run into any trouble. I don’t want you with no place to live. Especially in this weather.” Suddenly she’s concerned? I doubt it. – The day went along… with the BITTER cold and the snows drifting and… customers! Especially, of course, at 16.00. But, I’ve got the business running quite well and I’m making THEIR rent. Fuck me anyway. – By 16.30 I’d done my reports and financials AND another drawer count… to the penny, of course. Andy asked about my move to Highgate. I told him I’m quitting. he doesn’t believe me. (Truth is, again tonight, I’m thinking: Just take the damned spot in Highgate… better to stay with the PO than to have nothing and no guarantee that the spot will open for me… nor that I’ll even get it! And if I resign, no unemployment… nothing. Besides… it’ll be a delightful revenge of sorts… and even if it’s 3 hours every morning… better to get the fuck out of this house than to sit here, trying to figure some way to avoid these back-stabbing shits… not to mention, sitting in this ice-box room. So… And I can always look for more or different work in the meanwhile.) – Day done, the drive back to the house was almost interesting. I mean… I keep thinking of riding a bike through this kind of weather all last Winter. I don’t know how I did it! But… I DID! – Got to an empty house. As I learnt, poor Ms. Whiner rang Bobo at 10.30 this morning all boohoo and Bobo left work for the day to go to hospital. They’re thinking of discharge, but to “re-hab”. Bobo allegedly laid the law and said that if “you want to come home you have to follow what they tell you, bust your arse and get better.” Right. Sure. Poor Bobo’s been planning on having the house and all that goes with it. – This evening I was even offered fried chicken at dinner time. It smelled delicious and would have been MOST welcome… had it not been for the fact that I’d have to “share” in “their” dinner… and WITH THEM! The chicken was tempting… the thoughts made me ill so I declined. – I came to the room, had a tea and therest of the jelly donuts… oh… and the “american” cheese curds. So? I’ve eaten today. – Skyped a bit with Viv this evening. She was ready for bed by 20.30. Me? I’m trying for at least 22.30. I will NOT be up and about at 1.30 again tomorrow. – I should be moving more pictures from the iPod but I’m actually too tired. – 6 tea-lights going in the pot-heater and the small heater running as well tonight. I’m taking no chances. Warm this room up! – I need to transfer this Journal to the on-line. This is now 8 pages typed. Oh well.. eventually. – Meanwhile… Cubby and Shadow are being SO AFFECTIONATE these past couple of days. I can only hope that they sense that I love them so much… and that the thought of what’s to happen on Sunday makes me physically sick. I MUST get out of here! My dislike has turned to actual HATE… And this evening, that Qunt, Penny, rang Bobo. She was all giggly. Fucking slut! Nasty shit! The lot of them! Fucking in-breeds. Trash. Refuse. Vomit. – I need to divert my thoughts. Hey, maybe tomorrow I’ll head out for my errands and maybe, if there’s any “love” in Creation, I’ll be slammed and skid off the road and be dead… at HOME. I can drift to sleep tonight thinking of that. And it’ll be all done. – I’d like to say “I care”, but I don’t. – 22.15 And Paul Piché (l’Escalier) plays on the radio.. music I remember… because I HAD the CDs.

Thu.8.Jan:
HOME CIBC
7.40 I did it again… heard the alarm, turned it off and dozed. Cuts into my time this morning, but I must have needed it. Oh well. It is what it is as they say. – Meanwhile, up from a smoke and the barn thermo reads minus 22°F this morning. (NOAA says it’s minus 15F.) A check on the comparisons: NOAA for “Richford” -26, Environment Canada Bedford -30C, Kimmirut at -24C, Resolute in at -30C. It’s really quite interesting, to me, when the “True Northern” temperatures are so close to the “North” for the US. Ah… but in the 10014: Minus 13C. It is to laugh. I’ve no doubt they’re all feeling bitter-cold. Alas… Pfffttt. – 22.53 SHOWERED!!!! At about 9.30 this morning, I went to stroll into the shower before leaving for the day only to find that Bobo had commandeered the loo so, I just came back into the room, got dressed and left. Oh well then. Didn’t brush my teeth… nothing. Just dressed and left with-out saying a word. No sense, really. As ’tis said: You can’t fix stupid… nor inconsiderate or selfish for that matter… especially when it’s the result of in-breeding and “water baby”. – The poor Subaru! After a night of bitter cold, the poor thing took a bit of time turning over but… true to a Subaru… vroooom at last! It’s always a relief to hear that engine vrooming. – SO… the “NOTE DU JOUR” TODAY: I rolled over to the Fuklin PO, primarily to give the car a bit of time to warm up before heading HOME this morning and as I walk in, Lisa tells me that a “Priority” envelope arrived THERE for me… from the POSTAL SERVICE! They sent me the cards for ANOTHER set of finger prints.. for the PTF position… but they send them to FUKLIN? AND… had I not happened to stop at the office… I’d have never known about this! What fucking bull-shit all round with these shit4brains! Lisa gets on the phone to ask the C. if she should give me the cards! WHAT? They’re for ME, you arse! So I got them… smiled nice and left. – TO HOME! and putting MY income to where *I* choose. – Fontaine was on this morning. The car windows were frozen so I had to get out of the car, and when I gave him my passport, he asked me into the trailer because of the cold. Honestly, no matter what… they’re a much better class of people. It’s comforting to know that they’re there… in this other-wise conniving world. A simple “zip’ of the scan and I was on the road! – It’s been quite a long time since I was HOME in the Winter snows. And there were ice crystals just floating in the air as I drove along Morses Line, Dalpé, Maurice. True, that it’s all the same planet and all, but no matter what… it’s a “Quebec” sky, and in Winter, it’s magnificent! – SO! At that banque this mornig, the folks there were ever so nice. I guess it’s because now I’m a customer? What-ever, it’s nicer these days, not so “glum”. And the account balance is slowly rising so that’s nice too. The exchange was about 14-cents. That’s not too bad. It looks nice, but what a shame that if I use it in the US, if coverts back to less, and shopping up HOME is more costly. Still… it’s THERE and NOT here. And that makes me feel better all round. Next, it was a stroll to the Metro. I got 3 CofeeCrisps, 1 for me and 2 for HLS… because I’m a shit4brains’ 2 boxes MaeWest because I can now, a block of P’titQuebec (which is almost gone already) and only 3 packs of smokes (which might cost me more over-all, but at least it’ll cost me LESS that the “doody” that would go into the pockets of some USArse.) – Using that card is quite the drama: Tap it on the reader, then “function” for account type, and insert so that the chip can be read and it doesn’t work as a “credit” card in spite of the “Visa”, and then the authorisation for the amount and then the PIN and … well!!! It took several attempts until the manageresse came over and zipped through the entire process for and with me. But even SHE was kinder this morning. I had to wonder… do they think I’ve “returned” to HOME now? Makes no never mind to me one way or the other. It’s nice to receive smiles these days. – Business done… AND… I was off, and headed to work, along the icy roads of HOME. Smokes and groceries in the car and money in the banque… at HOME! – “USCostumes” was a fucking joke: little shit from Texas… here we go again. 20 questions, check the trunk, opened the car door when I told him the window was frozen. All huffy and paranoid, these idiots. They’re probably sent to the North before they completely break down on the Southern border… fudge-packed idiots. No reason to be so nasty. But… it was there and through and off to work along MORE icy roads. Honestly, VT doesn’t do much to keep the place safe. But… that’s VT. – As I got the the Richard rd. Gena passed me headed in the opposite direction. I know she doesn’t know the car, so she didn’t bother to smile/wave. Not that it bothers me at all… I don’t care. It’s like that in this town here. I don’t give a shitting fuck about ANYBODY. I just SO want to the get fuck out and away from Fuklin VT. – It was about 11.30 when I passed the house… and noticed how empty and dead it looks. I didn’t think that anybody was in. They’d left for their daily “Aren’t I such a sweet-heart?” visit to the ill. – Early enough and I had the cash and needed the gas so I stopped at the Shell in Sheldon and…. HALF A TANK FOR ONLY 14$ WOOHOO!!!! This is wonderful… even though we all expect that one morning we’re going to wake to 5-6$/gallon. But for now, for the cold weather when a full tank is important… no complaints from me. – With the time I had, I went exploring and found the Springs office. Rather an ugly little shack. But right there, off the 105. I don’t see why the others like that one so much. – I was in the Sheldon office just before noon and the mail was there already! And quite a lot of it too! So I got right to it, hoping to give me a little more time to get to the affairs that I wanted to settle… on the off-chance that I’ll be there for the duration (what-ever that might be) and had ALL the mail cased WAY before opening. A delight… – It wasn’t moments after the opening hour when the phone calls started coming from the C. Seems she’s upset because she hasn’t received even so much as an acknowledgement from Jerry on her multiple calls and e-mails to him about me. We agreed that we’re pretty much left alone in everything, and that management is primarily full of shit when it comes to all the bunk about being there to give us support. She admitted that she wants me to stay in the office because it means less work for her! I don’t care why, just leave me there. She’s going on vacation for 2 weeks though, and I won’t be moved until she’s returned from that. So that’s a comfort to me. Says she, maybe something will happen with that time and they’ll make some sort of decision whilst. She tells me that she has a PSE from Isle la Motte in her office and that SHE isn’t happy with the position. Well, who can blame her, really? That’s one hell of a drive! I’d take the Isle la Motte position, but for the commute. Well… we shall see when it all settles in the manure pit that is the USPS. – And so, I’d found some pastry pocket things at the Metro (on sale for 2,99$) and had “chicken alfredo” for lunch today! Quite delicious! (Product of the USA, but still… quite delicious!) Must get more… and a little fridge to keep them in…unless the weather stays this cold, in which case, I could probably keep them in the back barn at this rate. Imagine… keeping my food in the barn. This place has GOT to go! – Time came to 16.30 and the ditz from box something-or-another came in with business. I made no qualms about politely mentioning how disrespectful it is to come at closing… it did no good. Once again proving: You can’t fix stupid. BUT… I was out of the office before 17.00 and into the cold night. – It had been a wonderful day, having been HOME this morning. – Ah… but when I got back to the room? 14 FUCKING BITTER COLD DEGREES!!! The little heater seems to not be heating as well as it used to. But then again, even the walls in the room have taken the cold of late. The poor little machine is working as well as it can, I suppose. Or, as well as anything else in this shit-hole house. (Meaning: it doesn’t “work”.) – So, I put some Ramen noodles together with the cheese and called it a “meal”. – This bull-shit about the cats is making me quite ill. Bobo is all but dancing about the place of late. So thrilled to be ridding his miserable existence of them. I’m being as polite as would be necessary, but just the sound of that voice makes me want to vomit. AND… seeing what goes on here? I’ve half a mind to say something to HLS, but I’m sure the opportunity for that will come… in time…in time… it always does… in time. – I gave him the candy for HLS so he can bring them tomorrow. I doubt they’ll make it there though. I’ve no doubt that the two of them will eat them instead. Oh well… FUCK the both of them… conniving faggots. – HE gave me a little “brush” for the battery terminals. How sweet. (KUFF! As Shelley Thunder would put it.) “I thought of you today.” Right. I’ve been “thinking” of you too for quite the while. Piece of shit that you are. But, you ill-treat the cats, and Karma will come back to bite you in the face… one way or another. – At 20.00, I went into the shower. YAY! CLEAN ME! – At 20.30 I got on Skype with Viv. She’s taking a day off tomorrow, going to get her hair cut. We “chatted” for a bit until we lost the connection when I went for a smoke. So I browsed a bit on-line. – 23.09 and time for bed. Plans for tomorrow are to run to the CU, get my “travel” money out and put it into CIBC. – This computer is fucking-up even with plain typing. I suppose it’s better than none at all, but it annoys me! (I jotted only notes because of the aggravation.) Fucking shit!

Fri.9.Jan:
HOME CIBC METRO
SNOW
6.26 and the wash is begun. And I’d like to go right back to sleep. But not this morning. Hopefully I’ll be able to make the wash, and the CU and CIBC before work… Hopefully. – 8.35 laundry done more photos off iPod. 10 minute nap and ON THE ROAD!!!! – (Sunday… continuing the catch-up from more brief notes.) It was another SUPER START to a day. I was up, got the wash done AND got to the CU AND CIBC EFORE WORK! – The trip up and the crossing back was quick and simple. But the WEATHER! WOW! SQUALLS!!! SERIOUS SQUALLS! WHITE-OUTS! They came as I was getting TO the Metro. Wind and snow! – I’d stopped at the dép before the banque, and got 4 packs of smokes. (NOT a carton.. I will NOT be paying the US for MY smokes.) And then to the banque where it was a delight to be there again. (The rate today? Another 14 cents, but still… not too bad.) Then, after the truly bi-lingual exchanges, it was off to the Metro. That’s where the squall began! But I went in, got a small peanut-butter and a package of the P’tit Quebec snacks for HLS (never let it be said that I’m not “gracious”). The woman at the cashe was the same one from yesterday and when I pulled out the card to pay, she grinned “Débit?” “Oui.” I smiled back. Tap on the reader, tick tick on the keys and VOILA! I DID IT! We both smiled, ad a bit of a “chat” and I was back out the door into the squall again. AND… I was LOVING it! HOME! WINTER! SQUALL! SNOW! HOME! – It’s “comfortable” being there again these days and a bit difficult to leave. Ah… one of these days… I’m at the age where I’ll probably get HOME, as I’ve wanted to do for years, only to drop dead. But at least I’ll die… at HOME. – Well… it was quite a delightful day at work today. No multiple phone calls. I got all of my reports done and on time. Had to e-mail my hours to the C. though. Apparently I’m not to be allowed my own time-keeping? Oh well. (I’m still ever so curious as to what my pay-rate has been from since the 27th Dec.) – Got back to an empty house, managed another shower, made the bed and got comfy for a video-Skype with Viv for a while. The connections have been atrocious of late. Weather? Throttling from the “phone company”? Don’t know. But it had to be cut off even during. Still. I’m not in much of a mood for lengthy chats these days. The depression is hitting me… I find myself crying a lot. To think of those little cats, being ripped from this house, having no idea why. No more of their chums, the dogs, a new and different place with different odours and people. And they have NO idea why… and it’s because of the HATE in some abusive faggot. Anyway… by 21.00… it was lights-out for me. This day had ended. – I spoke with no-one in the house… No-one in the house bothered to speak with me. I’ve nothing to say to them. I just look forward to the day when, with-out any words at all, I leave one day, with the last of my personals… and just don’t bother to return. Done… Just as I left NYC the last time… in silence. May that moment come soon! SOON!

CUBBY AND SHADOW
Sat.10.Jan: 5.25 Woke at 4/45 in a panic! I thought I’d slept through the alarm. Obviously, I hadn’t so… Fell back to sleep until the alarm. Just up from a smoke. TIRED! I do NOT want to be in this house tomorrow… nor any other day for that matter, but particularly tomorrow. Trying to figure where to go. – 15.00 Packing again…. getting things together for a swift and quiet departure… SOON PLEASE? OH PLEASE!!! – After work today, I went to look for L. at hospital. He’s not there. Transferred out to re-hab… in BTV… yesterday. Well, I didn’t find that out until I got back to the house…. “I thought I told you.” says Bobo. What? When? Moron! So I handed him the bag with the peanut-butter and cheese in it and said “You can give him this on your next visit.” and as I was trying to explain why I’d gotten the snacks, Jester chimes in with all sorts of shit! It’s as if I’m not even present in the room! ENOUGH! No more “nice”. No more “consideration”. Just no more. Today I’m in just the mood to start the IRS shit with them. I’ve been paying for almost 27 years… it’s time I do unto others as the world does unto me. It would serve them damned right. And… it’s TAX SEASON! TAH DAH! We shall see how it all boils down. AND… with this new “connection” to the CVOEO? I wonder what Jester’s little ploys will bring. The lives of the kitties… let’s just call it “VINDICATION” and move along. I’m sick… TRULY SICK! – Well… I ate the rest of the cheese this evening. I know I need to eat something, but I’m SO ILL with this business of the cats. So the only thing I could think of is the cheese… and some V8 juice. Healthy… after a fashion. AND THEN IT WAS TIME TO POUR A DRINK! There’s only half a bottle of vodka left and a splash or 2 of vermouth. But there’s tonic and… BEVERAGE TIME BEGAN! – I got onto the Skype, pre-composed a note to Viv, did a copy/paste and send. What I could certainly use right now is some supportive talk… I’d settle for pandering and patronising at this point. But with the medications and “therapy”, I’m rather certain that the response will be more dodge/avoid/return. So, better to simply explain, and so… I posted the following:
VIV:
Hi. I’m not staying on-line right now. I walked into the house after work to see all the cats’ things in the kitchen: scratching post, little bed, toys, their food and snacks being packed. And Bobo playing all jollly-jolly. He tells me that yes, HLS was transferred to a most delightful re-hab in BTV yesterday. TODAY, Bobo and Jester are packing the cats’ things into the car today. It seems that Pennyshit and her chum from mASSachusettes are going to meet these faggots in BTV tomorrow. SO… there’s no checking to see if the bitch who’s to take them actually likes them. No. Just pack them into a car and haul them off. Probably leave them in the car whilst they “visit” with HLS. Anyway, it’s bothering me quite a lot. In 2004, the last time I saw any of the shit that’s my “blood-line”, my sister took me out to breakfast one Sunday morning, just to “spend some time together”. Whilst we “breakfasted”, Tony and Joe went and got a U-Haul and packed it. My “everything” had been in my sister’s house, at her insistence. Well, at Tony’s insistence, he and Joe packed and when Cindy and I got back to the house, the packing was complete. I had no-where to go to and there was my entire life… in a U-Haul, off to some storage place. No reasons have ever been forth-coming. No excuses. Nothing. Tony resented my being at the house and my belongings being there. Joe went along with the plan. It as done.
The cats have only one “fault”: Bobo-faggot doesn’t like them and now’s his chance to get rid of them.
The fucking cocker spaniel pee on the carpeting last night. SHE gets to stay.
Anyway, I’m not feeling well at all. I have REALLY BAD reactions to people, animals, etc. being tossed out of a house. And when it comes to these little creatures, calm quiet, benign… dumping them for no reason, AND that they’ll never understand why they were thrown away… I just have MAJOR troubles with this issue.
I NEED to get AWAY from this house. Right now that’s not possible. I don’t have the money for a new place. My job is all in question. And I’m just feeling rather trapped in a place saturated with HATE.
I’m going to fix myself a drink or a few and hopefully pass out for the rest of the day and through the night. Tomorrow? I can’t say. I just know I’m, not feeling well presently and won’t be the best of correspondents in this mind-set, so for now, I’ll just send along my “Love You 7” until. Mayhaps I’ll try back later.
Done.
(Sunday) I did log back on at about 20.00 or so. The reply “take the time you need. I’ll see you later.” – Indeed. – So, I got into trying to burn some music CDs for the car, for the rest of the night. I tried with the software on the lap-top and managed, I believe, to destroy 2 out of the 5 discs. One has some “data” on it, another has, I believe, music… I’ll have to try it in the car, and the 3rd is, well… I don’t know really. Several 1kb “cda” files. Oh well… Then I found soft-ware on-line, I’ve given it a try. That’s how I got the one disc with the music. But this piece of shit lap-top will not format! Oh well… – So, I settled into the bed with my drinkings and kept trying until the ale took hold and I finally just put the lights out… at, I believe, about 23.00. – This place makes me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually ill. – Oh… and I wonder where the peanut-butter and cheese will end up. In the trash… no doubt. Well… Karma… Karma. – I’ve packed more, in preparation for removal. It’s a shame there isn’t any space in the office… and if that office was to be “mine”, I’d certainly store much in there… just to get it out of here. The weather’s too cold for putting it into the car. But the time and the opportunity will arrive. Meanwhile, it’s all packed away.

Sun.11.Jan: 8.43 I don’t know how I’m awake at this hour, let alone, awake at all after 2 v-tons and a 50 last night. But, last night, one of the cats came scratching at the door, and woke me. I would have let it in, only, I can’t handle the separation anxieties as it is. I can actually feel a “shell” of some kind, building around me. I don’t even want to be around the dogs… ah… the dogs. Well, the barking issue is about to be handled “my” way from this point forward. There will be plenty “correction” actions taking place as I am able. Still, the under-lying issue is: I have to get out and away from this shit-hole. – Now.. to try to catch up with the “notes” from the past days. I’ve been quite remiss about keeping up with this. – 9.13 I’m in the room, catching up with this journal and this is the SECOND fucking time that Mexishit’s let out a yelp! Bobo’s in the loo, Jester’s in it’s room and that shit is yelping! Ah… I’ve a nice supply of rubber bands… and at least ONE will be “in use” as soon as they leave today! – 10.27 Oh… just finishing up the catch-up here and I hear… “According to the package, that was a 12 gauge.” Nice… toss the cats out the door and go buy jewelry! YOU FUCKING SHITS! And it’s making me quite sick, listening to those voices. Those pansy-assed whiney faggot voices. Not to mention the yipping of the Mexishit (which will come to a screeching halt when they leave for the day and *I* have that little thing to myself… And the pandering tone of Jester toward that useless thing! I’ve had more than enough of that as well.) – The wind is picking up and there’s a bit of snow blowing about. I thought before… they’re taking the Saab… the car that falls apart. My heart sends out the energies and prayers that the cats remain safe and comfortable always… but that the two of them find nothing but trouble with the car. May Karma begin returns on their evil. – 10.43 I’ve just put the heater back on. FUCKING COLD in this fucking room. My fingers are so cold they’re contracting and the band-aids are slipping off! Nah… j’pense pas! –
12.13 Just up from a smoke… alone in the house. Cubby and Shadow are gone… so too, all traces, save the litter on the washroom floor… Gone. So easy for those pieces of worthless shit to discard… lives. And I’m not handling this very well. It’s painful… actually painful.
23.24 The photos are finally sent off the iPod. And I managed to clean a few off. Gives me a bit more space. Now I’ll go through all the files that are on the computer, remove all the duplicates and decide what I want back on the iPod. I’ve got a zip-drive to put images on. Hopefully the drive will have enough space. Then I can clean this lap-top a bit as well. – Meanwhile, it was a terrible day of crying… much crying. I mean, I even feel pain for Dixie.. her little “mates” are gone. So too, Chica… she was always SO playful with “Shadow”… and now? Nothing. This place is truly a shit-hole. Empty. Void. I still walk, shuffling in the dark, in case there’s a cat in the hall in the dark. I still look for them when I come in from a smoke. This is too painful for me now. My hate is mixed with depression, my anger, with sadness and despair. But the HATE is still very much a part of my soul now and I must get out of and away from here. And I hope to go and never re-associate with this shit again in my life-time. may they all sit in here and rot, slowly and painfully. All of them. – The other two came back to the house at about 16.00. Bobfuck came to the room to tell me that Lylefuck said “thank you” for the CoffeeCrisps. Imagine? I gave them to the faggot DAYS ago! And only now he gives them? AND… the peanut butter and cheese? Still here in the house. But the cats had to go! Faggots. Useless faggots. Well… their day is coming… even if I have to push it a bit. I was rather rude, in the midst of sorting through papers from the PO. I answered curtly and that was it. Tough shit. I’ve no more respect, regard… I’ve nothing… save HATE for this place and the faggots associated with it. I don’t have the constitution to even feign “nice”. – I finally broke down and had 2 franks on rolls with the Ramen tonight… and then HAD TO SHIT! My insides are ruined by this. – I posted my comment to Viv on the fesses-book. I don’t care who sees and knows… and if it means that the faggots get found-out? Good! So be it. If I could hook into those people down South, I’d see to it that they saw what the faggot’s done. – Now, I’m dead-numb. I guess there was just too much pain all day. I’ve all but shut down… save for the HATE. – And now, it’s time to try for some sleep for work tomorrow. Thankfully I have that. – But earlier, I should add… I do believe that I saw Jester malingering about my car. Either it or the B.fag. If anything is wrong or amiss with my car, I vow I’ll notify the police from now on. Period. The police, IRS, the lot. No more being “a shit-dick moron” here. – Time for a nap… hopefully. Have had 2 teas, PopTarts, a tin of fruit and am almost done with the V8. So? So… Here’s to hoping for at least just enough sleep… rest… – Here’s hoping that the cats are safe, warm, comfortable, together and being well-attended and LOVED.

CUBBY AND SHADOW
Mon.12.Jan: 8.02 I woke with the first alarm. I woke with the second alarm. I woke with so much gas that I was burping AND running to the loo! I woke to an empty house. Well… Jester is here, of course. No cats. No greeting on the stairs. No greeting at the door. And the pain in the gut this morning is… painful. OK. I fell asleep last night with the radio on. I woke with anger, hatred and bitterness this morning. I’m waiting now for the “chat”: I think you should look for someplace else to go. It’s the 500$/month that stops that from coming. Mercenary faggots. – Work today. Good. Getting away from this place. – 22.14 This day is done. The photos from the iPod are categorised. There’s much more to be done on them, but, for the most part, they’re in some sort of order. – The day? It snowed again, but it was a wet, and warm snow through the day. Tonight, the temperatures are expected to drop drastically. Hey, it’s January. Right now, the wind is bowing the plexi on the East window. There’s a change a-comin’ tonight… and it’s not a “good” change. – This morning, I left the house rather quietly. On the slow drive to work I noticed: The pain of yesterday is dull… “dull”. All the way into work I was disociated. I can’t help but think, rationally, that it’s my defence. When I can’t handle the pain, my psyche snaps and all the way into work, and for most of the day, I was watching me, not actually functioning as me. It’s a response I learnt as a child, it’s a response I’ve had all my life: when I was “living” in the Volkswagen, when I was in the Shelter. And these days, the pain of missing the cats, of wondering if they’re being Loved, it’s too much for my Being to handle. So I split. It’s a terrible “me” to be, but I’ve no choice any longer. It happens. – Other-wise, work went rather well indeed. I was out of there about 10 minutes before the “close”. – The drive back? The usual: shit4brains followed me along the E.Sheldon rd, close, with lights in my eyes. But the car made the trip and I actually rejoice in that. – When I got in, Bobo and Jester were all ensconced. How I truly HATE them! Bobo makes with the cheerie chat. I’d like very much to pee on him, and not for fun. I’d like very much to pee on this house, and not for fun. I’m fed-up… SO fed-up with this place. – I came to the room and got to the images. When I got in, it wasn’t at all too chilled tonight. But the heater is on now as is the mattress warmer. I’m taking no chances. – Last night I went to sleep with the radio on. “Rouge”. They play mellow music through the night. Tonight, again, I’ll do the same. I dread the night now. I dread a lot these days. I should be delighted for so many reasons, but my heart can’t take the pain… and it’s still there. I need to get out of here and away from here… clean cut. Go. Gone. – Other than this, I notice that this Journal is now up to 12 pages on the drive. I have to get it to the blog and clean this thing up. – Oh… the CD’s? None of them work in the car. I noticed this evening that using the re-writables don’t work on all players. I now have to get more discs. Tomorrow the temperatures are supposed to be “negative”… in Fahrenheit! I don’t know that I’ll get the discs tomorrow. But we shall see when I wake up. Maybe… I dislike going to Walmarde, but I don’t have a choice any longer. And now? I’m stuck with 5 CD’s that I can use for data, but would rather not. Oh well… So be it. – The house is calm. The faggots went to bed at about 20.30. I’m just passing some time so as not to wake at 2.00. – These days must end… soon… one way or another.

Tue.13.Jan: 8.19 I heard the alarm. I turned it off. I went back to sleep. – Minus 22° on the barn again this sunny morning. And Winter returns. – And first thoughts: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! – Good morning… right then. – 23.03 The North wall just “banged” from the cold out-side. The little heater is running steadily. The windows are iced. And I should be asleep. – Night 3 with the radio on through the night. – Earlier, Bobo came to the room to see if I was warm. He’s got the heater on in the kitchen tonight. Oh well… he know “officially” knows that I have the little heater in the room. And I don’t give a fuck. Of course, I wonder about the heater in the kitchen. They burnt the previous outlet running that thing. If there’s a fire in the kitchen… I suppose I can get out. Of course, I won’t much care. – News today: The $CAD is down which means my deposit this week will be UP. The C. says I’m on the PTF salary since 27 Dec. This pay-cheque should be interesting. MAYBE I can finally get ahead and get the fuck out! – Oh well… At least it’s not bitter in this room tonight. But I’m hungry for some reason. Had 2 franks at work. I need to get FOOD! – I need to get sleep. – And I still get chest pains when I walk through this house… and no cats. Fucking piece of shit! But I pretend to be “fine”. It’s none of their business… I just look forward to the day when I walk out of there with the very last of my things… and no “goodbye”. Just go. Looked through Crgslst again tonight. Not much. I need to know how my employment is going to be in another 2 weeks!

Wed.14.Jan: 9.00 ANOTHER morning of alarm off and back to sleep. At least not until just now… more about 7.00 or so. – The “count” sheet from work doesn’t open on the lap-top. I had to re-create one for here. Not happy about that. The mileage from 05459 to 05483 is the same as the mileage from 05457 to 05483. Well, I wont’ be getting the mileage from 05457 to 05459 but at least there’s no new calcs. – Today is trash day. I have a bag. If it hasn’t been picked up when I leave, I’ll toss mine. If it’s gone? Tough shit. – I just went out for a smoke and the fucking cocker spaniel let out with a yelp so? She ended up at the bottom of the stairs, with a little “help” of a swift kick. Set me right off this morning. I’m in no mood. I’m tired of the chest pains and the sadness missing the cats… the silent, docile, benign cats. I’m sick of it… truly… sick. – 22° in the room this morning. MINUS 20-something out-side. Tired… just tired of it. Truly. – Bad morning? Bad mood. – 21.22 In bed at last! Tired! – The trip to work went well. COLD again today, but they say the temperatures are supposed to rise above and dip below and rise above freezing through the rest of the week. Oh well… January… Winter. – Work? A delight and a shock. I was talking with 2 folks about the future of the office and mentioned the C. when… IN SHE WALKED! Just in to use the loo. She was with Libby, doing a “route inspection” and needed the loo… or so she said. Probably more like snooping. But she was rather curt and left. Oh well… No love at all there… on either side, I’m sure. – The rest of the day went along too. Of course, nothing until 16.00. I don’t understand people. And there’s the one guy married to the woman from Verdun… ah… Verdun. I have to find out what the fuck is so great about Verdun. She’s nice enough… he’s a qunt. But every office must have at least “one”. He’s mine. – APPOINTMENT WITH MIKE ON WEDNESDAY FOR OIL CHANGE AND A “LOOK-IT-OVER” FOR THE SUBARU!!! OH! THAT ALL HOLDS UNTIL THEN (and that he doesn’t find anything too terrible). – Left at about 16.40 and headed to Dollar General where I got CDs! 5 for MUCH less than the ones from Staples! Got 15$ in gas and had to force the last dollar into the tank. I wish the prices would remain this way, but we’re all expecting a “recovery” to come… and for prices to blast up to 5$/gallon. Until then… it’s good to keep the tank full. And that’s what I do for the most part. May that too, last. – Oh… posted an envelope to Viv today. Just the box info. and a typed not with hand-written sign-off. I wonder how long it’s to take to get there. We shall see. – Got back to an empty house but I was no sooner heading up the stairs and the clown arrived (Bobo and Jester). A brief chat and I retired to the room to RECORD 3 CDs. I’ll see whether they play or not tomorrow. – Broke a tooth, bottom left side toward the back. Shit! Well… as I think about it, going for 60, there’s no sense repairing anything any more. The time for all that shit is long passed. Give me maybe another 5 years… if that. – 21.32 I’m typing and having quite the sneezing fit here. Just suddenly. Gee…. – As a notation: the news reports that the dollar is ever so strong of late. I can hardly wait to see what my deposit will become this week… (I can hardly wait to see what my income will be this week… at the new rate. I’m thinking I’ll be lucky to get 15$ out of the 19/hour rate… after taxes. AND, if it comes to something “comfortable”, no doubt there’s to be somebody with their hands at the ready to snatch it.) – Well, night 4 of radio on. The little heater is trying to pull the temperature up to 21°. Even the mattress heater isn’t all that great this evening… or I’m coming down with something. – The broken tooth is going to be a royal pain in the shitter for a while. But I’m soon to “lights out”. I’m EXHAUSTED!

Thu.15.Jan: 5.13 Interesting start to the day.. I woke at something round 2.45, for no reason in particular, and went back to sleep. Then, at about 4.45 I woke again, for no particular reason, but this time, to find that the room was dark, and quiet, and chilly. The first thing I though of was that they didn’t pay the electric and that the house was out. Well, come to learn, I see the hall light on and hear the voices out-side the door. The fuse (really, a fuse, not a circuit breaker) had blown! Well, I’m up now, having coffee. Bobo swapped fuses in the box. Oh well. But hey! That’s fine by me because the heater is back on and this morning, that’s quite necessary. I’ll have to check and see what fuses are needed in the box and see if I cant’ get some. (I have about 20$ to my name… save the North account.) – And so, my coffee is now on, my tongue is a bit sore from rubbing against the broken tooth. my left nostril is sore for some reason and Bobo’s started the car, getting ready to leave for work, and I’ve had my morning smoke. And… I’m a bit on the chilly side already, but the heater is cycling… I put the thermo on it down a bit lower though. – The morning begins. – OH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY POOKIE! This was the day, 2002(?) when I left Rochambeau to go to Beacon. Pookie said, later, that it broke her heart when I left. Hey, it didn’t do too much for mine. I remember Peter packing the U-Haul and running out of space (moron). Getting on 84 and the snow starting to fall. At Stormville, it kicked up and by the time we got to Beacon, it looked like a Christmas card! The truck slid on the hill on Clove St. and almost into the house! And then… Peter and Nap decided that they wouldn’t follow me (in Nap’s car) to drop the U-Haul so I had to walk from Boston Post Road back to and empty flat on Rochambeau, at about 1.00 or so, alone, in the cold. I slept on the floor, rolled-up in the living-room rug. It was 15 Jan. 2002… things only got worse from there… – But this is today, 13 years later… and I still remember it… vividly. – “Friends”. – Just recalling too: I climbed Mt. Beacon, took photos, turned them into water-colours… the photos, the paintings… gone. – “Family”. – 18.42 I’m tired.. ca ce peut tu? – 9 fucking dollars to the car-wash in Enosburgh today, automatic, brushless, all that shit… the car’s still loaded with ice and slush. Fuckers. – Hannafrod’s in Enosburgh before that. Franks and fruits in the house. Those “pocket” shits for lunch. Nothing like the “good ones” at Metro! And 2 Fage… 2% shit. Honestly. This is annoying me with the fat-free bull-shit. – The audio CDs for the car? Worked for a moment and then… nothing. Oh well… – Bobo tells me he had to pay 30$ for some special “UnderArmour” shit for HLS. Bitching about the price. Oh well… I’m paying for the hospital… fuck you very much. I work… pay taxes… I pay for that shit. I’m tired of that as well. – And my tongue hurts!!!!! It scrapes against the broken tooth! Honestly, honestly, honestly. – I’m tired. – Tomorrow? TAKE-AWAY at the CU! And that had better be worth the trip! – Chilly in the room. The heater’s on. Let’s see… – 22.51 WELL! After a few hours on the Skype with VIV… We’ve made a date to meet in Bedford tomorrow morning! Now… let me see if I can get any sleep tonight. Tomorrow… CU BY 8.00 and then out of there and up to Bedford and then back to work. WOAH! I’ve pondered this from time to time but NEVER thought it would ever happen. But since the 35 is open now, it’s only about 80km from Bedford to Viv’s. Not bad! Hopefully I’ll have the car in shape fora run from here to there soon. Anyway, now I’m really rather psyched. – The down side is that she’s out on “sick leave”… so I know what that’s about. Hey! Maybe the little adventure will help. Maybe the timing’s good. I can only hope.

Fri.16.Jan:
HOME CIBC
19.09 IN BED SO TIRED! Truly, truly, tired. But what a DAY! – This morning, I heard the 5.30 alarm and dozed back off to sleep. Fortunately, I had the 630 alarm to finally wake me… to… SNOW! Doesn’t it figure? Me. My “life”. SNOW. Not too much, and the forecast told that it wouldn’t amount to much more than 1cm so… – I immediately went to check to see how much got posted to the CU… NOTHING! There was NO POST! So the panic: did the PO stop the direct deposit AGAIN? Was there some kind of error? Did somebody else get at it? I was really rather pissed. Got on Skype to send Viv a note saying that if it didn’t post, I wouldn’t be getting to Bedford and that she shouldn’t come. I’d no sooner posted that note to her when I went and “refreshed” the CU page and… there it was! NOT as much as I’d expected and NOT as much as I’d planned, and certainly NOT as much as I’d hoped, but, enough to make the trip worth the while. So I re-posted to Viv that I’d see her “chez Barry” and I was off to the shower by about 7.00… and out the door and on the road by 7.30! – DAMN! Another COLD day! BITTER COLD… again. – There’s a bit of a “grinding” noise coming from the rear-passenger tyre. I don’t like that. I don’t like “grinding” noises in a car, especially from wheels. But, I kept going. – The CD player kicked in for a while. That was rather nice. (It didn’t last though. I can’t figure out what’s wrong. I even “re-set” the damned thing according to the instructions. Maybe it’s loaded with dirt. I’ll have to get a “cleaner” kit and try that.) – Well… Got to the CU, parked and left the engine running. Once the car is running, I thought it best to keep it running… just in case it might decide to stop. Into the CU and… my worst fear… that Mexishit teller! Jeesuzkriste she’s annoying! And today, she didn’t even bother to count-back the cash, just tossed it on the counter. Fukkall bitch. I need to get the hell away from that place. Indeed. But… I was out of there by about 8.20 and on the road.. toward Highgate via the 207. – It was rather strange, “driving” that route. instead of being on a bike. But came the entry into town and… WOAH! SQUALL! TONNES of SNOW! and I had to pee! So, I made a pit-stop… at the PO. The C. was there, alone, opened the door (they don’t open til 9.00). Let me in fine but her demeanour was, as usual, “business”. Oh well… I only had to pee. BUT… in the moments it took to pee, THE CAR WAS COVERED IN SNOW! WHAT a way to start the day! Still… I was a “man on a mission”. Out and off and to the border! – The snow let up as I left Highgate so that wasn’t too bad. – At les Douanes… Fontaine! “Bonjour. Going to Bedford?” It’s really a delight. He’s really a delight. They’re really a delight. Bing, zip, en route. It was… a delight. – The roads were snow and ice but not horrid. – I went directly to the dép for my 4 packs of smokes and a bit of chat with the nice lady there. I said “Bonjour Good Morning.” she replied, quite definitely “Good morning.” and we both chatted for a bit and I was out. Still, Bedford is becoming quite “comfortable”. Into town… – (Sunday… 14.28. I’ve been quite remiss..) Knowing exactly where I was going, I headed to Barry… and there, in the parking lot, the familiar plate with the ADE. Viv had already arrived, but I had no idea where she could be so I ventured into Barry and there, seated at a little table, gleaning the day’s “Journal de Montréal” she sat, having a coffee! It was SO SO SO WONDERFUL to see her, and this time, albeit “her” territory, this was rather “my turf”. But we were both HOME. She got up to get another coffee and brought back two, with two toasts each and Kraft peanut-butter. I wasn’t hungry, but though it a wonderful idea, and so it was, indeed. She handed me a plastic bag of “things” that she thought I’d like (more “things” that I have to pack and, indeed, when I got to work, I presently did… unfortunately, but that’s how it has to be for the while). In the bag (I found when I got to work): a wooden fleur de lis (which she said she’d paid 5$ for at a yard sale because she thought of me immediately when she saw it), a ceramic tile “Laughter is the shortest distance between friends” (yes it is), a coffee mug that she’d gotten at … I can’t recall, a glass celebrating 125 years of “Poulet St-Hubert” (I thought immediately of Mum… she’d LOVE it!), and a SAQ tote. “Things”. (They’re packed in a box in the Sheldon PO.) – We had our breakfast, and it was time to start the general chores and errands of my day and so, we strolled, in the bitter cold under clear, blue skies, to CIBC where I made my deposit (in French). 200US gave 232 today. Not bad. About 30$ more than last dépot. And so, off to Metro for a bit of shopping. I got a few more of the “Bistro” pockets and some MaeWest of course. She got one box of those. Next, a stroll (and I mean “stroll”) to Korvette where I got shower stuff mostly. – We’d moved the cars from Barry to Metro so we took the “short cut” through the little park and then to the cars where it was approaching noon already! We’d had a WONDERFUL MORNING TOGETHER! and I had to comment on how, this time, she got to simply drive along back home and *I* had to put up with the idiots at the border. Although, I told her it should be OK because the plates were VT and NY. – It was strange to part today. No whole-day travel back for either of us… mere moments-to-an-hour or so. “NORTH”! I’ve made it! – The drive back was blust’ry as all Hell! SNOW BLOWING all over the place. White-outs and such. But, the car handled it all in stride, It was a pure delight, being at HOME in the NORTH in the WINTER in the SNOWS and the COLD! – Crossing? ZZZZZIP! and done! – WHAT a pleasure to simply drive THROUGH Fuklin and not stop. One of these days, that’s how it will be as a matter of course. I can’t wait. – I got to the office at 12.35 but I don’t worry about such things. The mail was there, but, I have until 14.00 to get it cased. Still… I got right to the duties of the day, popped a lunch into the micro-wave, ran a money order for 150 to the house-fags (which will give them 650$ this month instead of the 500 agreed-upon so I almost DARE anybody to say anything!). – The day was ever so calm at work. But just enough to keep busy until closing. What a joy to work there. Really. AND… by 16.40 I was OUT! AND I got to drive back to the shit-hole in almost DAY-LIGHT! WOW! – I came to the room to un-pack the day’s events, and got permission to put the two Bistros into the freezer down-stairs! (As I did, I notice a box on the door shelf: “Roses from my 15th birthday cake”… Bobo tells me that they’re from DAISY’S 15th birthday! And she was born in 1931! The SHIT in this house!) BUT… THE MOST INTERESTING THING: I COULD ACTUALLY FEEL THE COLD AIR COMING DOWN, THROUGH THE “VENT” IN THE FLOOR UP-STAIRS, FROM “MY” ROOM! IT WAS QUITE THE EVENT FOR ME! TO THINK: THEY CAN FEEL THE COLD AIR COMING FROM THIS ROOM AND DID SHIT ABOUT IT LAST YEAR… NO, THAT’S NOT TRUE… THEY CLOSED THE DOOR TO THAT ROOM! FUKTARDZ. – OK… OK… – Back up to the room for a tea and a tin of fruit cocktail… with crunchy bits in it! DelMonte! Crunchy shit! JUST what I need with breaking teeth! Fuckkingshit! – Went down for a smoke and the other two went out in the car. I don’t know where-to and quite frankly, j’m’en câlisse. – 19.20 and they returned… BFD. – I’m ready to sleep! SLEEP! SO SO TIRED! A quick Skype message to Viv though before I pass out. – MY TONGUE IS SO SORE FROM RUBBING AGAINST THAT BROKEN TOOTH! – And, I DO believe that the Jesterfag is already trashed at this hour. OH! FALL DOWN THE STAIRS. Give me something to laugh about. – It’s only 19.43 but… I AM CALLING THIS A DAY! I’M GOING TO BED! THE END! (But it was a WONDERFUL DAY!!! JUST WONDERFUL!)

Sat.17.Jan: 5.45 Coffee, smoke and a trot to the loo. I was “out”, at sleep, by about 20.30 last night. And I mean “out”! Head on pillow and gone. Woke at 2.00, went back to sleep. Woke at 4.00, went back to sleep. Woke at 5.00 and decided to stay awake. And now, the day begins. Stomach is churning for some reason. But other-wise, OK. – (Sunday… continuing…) Well, I got to work at about 8.15 and got to paper-work and filing and such. Libby came with the mail at about 9.00. The day went right along, just busy enough to make the time FLY away. – When I left, I headed directly into St-Allbeans to find a “sherpa” for Viv. Walmarde’s. NOT A ONE! They’re already starting Spring shit! Ca ce peut tu? BUT… I got a “laser cleaner” for the car, and a MOUSE for the lap-top!!! Some more shit for the face and toothpaste… things I really can’t afford right now but will enjoy. – When I got to the car, I put the cleaner disc in and… IT WORKS PERFECTLY… EVEN THE SOUND IS WONDERFUL! IT’S THE FUCKING 700MB DISCS! WORTHLESS SHITS! THAT PISSES ME OFF! But… – I headed to Tractor Supply to see what they had for sherpas… One that I would have liked but not at 30$ (on sale yet) and was my size but the others? “Clearance” all… and 3,4 and 5XL! SHIT! So I browsed… A young girl was working in the oil filtre aisle and I found the “book”… but it was for heavy machinery… well, she asked if she could help me find something, and when I told her I was just looking through the book, she said that she’d be happy to help so that she could learn. She learnt… and I left with an oil filtre… now I have to get the oil for Wednesday! Oh well. BUT… SHE TOLD ME WHERE TO FIND A POWER-HOSE CAR WASH IN ST-ALLBEANS! AND I WENT… right by the Messenger Building (and I know where that IS! I’m so impressed with me!). – I don’t believe it cost me much more than 5$ and I got the slush and ice off the car and out of the whee-wells! The car needs a “good” washing, but this was GREAT! On the “down” side: the water froze to a complete coat of pure ICE on the car as I pulled out of the stall. FUCKING BITTER COLD these days. But I drove along the 105, rolling at about 80km/h to warm the engine and dry things out a bit. All the way into Enosburgh to get… 14$ in gas, mid-octane… HALF A TANK! WOOHOO! LESS THAN 20$ FOR A HALF TANK! (We’re about to be SO screwed on these gas prices!) – Took the State Park Rd. back to the shit-hole. – As for the rest? I sent a Skype-message to Viv and I’m just going to quote it here… (with stress on the 13.584$ SSD wants HLS and Bobo to PAY-BACK! KARMA! I’m not “happy” about it… neither am I sad about it. I simply think of the cats… and the night when they tossed Jester out the door, via the police, into the cold night… with a cheque for 500$. I say no more on the matter.). The message to Viv:
Quote:
Well.. if you thought 8p was early, you’d better be sitting down for this one… 18.00 and I’m in bed again and ready to put the light out and call this day… yesterday. I slept ever so well last night, woke at 2a, then 4a… then stayed awake from 5a. It was a REALLY quiet day at the PeeOH! I even got out just before noon! (I get paid only to 11.50 but usually it takes longer because fuktardz come in at the last minute to do things that change my daily financials. NOT TODAY! YAY!)

I went to Walmarde’s today, after the working. NOT ONE SHERPA ANYTHING! NOT A ONE AT ALL! (So I got a clearner-thingie for the car CD player which worked splendidilly but NOT for the playing of my CDs which I learnt today is because the “new” CDs are 700mb, the “old” CDs are 650mb and the “old” players don’t like and don’t know what to do with the 700mb disks. SOOoo… much to my (angry) I now have to go BACK out in search of the “old” 650mb discs! Depending on how much they cost, this is running about the same as a regular pre-recorded, Top40 CD! And indeed, I am (angry)! But allass, as they say. We shall continue until that thing on the street (Subaru) SINGS! (music)

THEN… I escaped Walmarde before I bashed a few in-breeds in the face (many of whom were told to their ugly little Down’s Syndrome-like faces just how closely they’re actually related to their siblings). Morons, the lot of them. Slam into you with their trolly and THEN say “Excuse me”. Walk right into you, nearly shoving you, full-face into the shelves and THEN say “Excuse me”. Had I not been tyred when I left Tractor Supply (where I went also in search of a sherpa… only to find that they had them… EN VENTE, and were delightufully black, blue and Brown… and not-so-delightfully 2xx, 3xxx and 4xxxx which would be SUPER IF you AND I were to wear the same one… at the same time). Where was I? Oh yes, had I not been so tyred, I pondered going right over to Highgate to the Arm-You-nitions store, then head back to Walmarde and be on the 11:00 news this evening… with a HUGE smile on my face.

As it were/was… the nice gal in TractorSupply helped me find an erl filtuh for the cah so I got wunnuh doze and lef the premeesiz. She also told me where there’s still one of those power-washer-gun-hose car warshers in St-Allbeans so I hasted o’er and yes, the Subaru got a hosing! 4$ instead of the 9 it cost me the other day AND NOW… no more ice-chunks on the bottom and in the Wheel-wells. (There goes Skyp, putting frigging upper-case letters in where I didn’t. POS).

So anyway, I got back to the house and… DO sit a spell for this one:
Bobo shows me a letter from the “government”, addressed to Her Ladyshit. Seems Obie and his boiz are now telling the Mr.andMr. that HLS was slightly “over-paid” since 2013 on the “SSD” (Social Security Disability) to the tune of 13.534$ Yessum… 14 THOUSAND SMACKEROOZ! 735$/month to sit on yer arse, getting fat and whining about the world.

From what I’m gathering from the letter (which, by the way, is written in the WORST English grammar that you can imagine… makes most “Seps” sound brilliant)(I imagine Obozo got one of his illegal Mexicans to write it up.) it has something to do with something Barearse Obamonkey is pulling with the “Federal” recognition of Gay marriages. Back in 2013, they didn’t “recognise” the marriages and so, hls was given the full shot. BUT… SOME-how, the Fed is suddenly ALLOWING the “marraige” thing and RETRO-ACTIVELY saying that hls should have been given only 54$/month! Imagine THAT!

Me? I fucking hate this trash-barrel country anyway BUT… Karma and the Kitties… Oh well.

So I read the letter, dropped a few line of ‘sincere’ support (rofl) and came to the cold room, had my Ramen and a tea and now I’m ready to nap.

I’m sorry about not finding the sherpa but I’ll keeping looking! If you find one on-line, you can order it, send it to the PO Box 58 (or use the other address I sent you where it’s the PO office with ” # 58″ and no matter what, use 05483-0058 as the zip code) and I can “run” it up to you… either at the house (after Wednesday) or, at chez Barry.
EndQuote

And so… after the message, I “napped” from 18.30-20.00 which is something I must be certain to NEVER do again!!!! Thankfully tomorrow is Sunday, because I was awake through the rest of the night!

Sun.18.Jan: 1.07 still awake. Tired, but not sleepy. – Ordered CDs fro Amazon with the CIBC card. – 14.23 The room is Hoovered and lightly dusted. The car is cleaned and Armoralled, The returnables from the barn are ready to go with me on the next journey. There are two bottles of fresh (and I mean “fresh”) brook water for the plants. Me? I’m a mess, but not really too concerned about that. Tomorrow, I’ll do the lavage. And I’ve managed TWO “cleanings”, as it were, after quite the while with-out. – And so, there’s a heavy wind coming up again, but this one isn’t bringing more of the “warm” weather we’ve had all day… (-5° and it feels like Spring! Ca ce peut tu?) There’s miserable rain in the forecast which will turn back to miserable snow. But… after all… it IS still January. – As I cleaned the car, I tried one more CD in the player. Nope. What a fucking waste of money, those were. – A logger full just parked across the street. Ah… yes, still in the “North Country”. But these days, it’s not so much of an impact. It’s just “nice” to see. – 14.34 Timing is everything in the world… they’re back from “visiting the ill” and I’m just catching up with this journal. Oh well… it WAS a delightful day. – 15.12 and it’s getting chilly in the room again. It was nice all day and no heater. – Neither of “them” has been up to the door (not complaining). And I’m up-to-date with this journal… finished my tea… time for a smoke. – 21.18 Fucking cockerspaniel and mexishit barking at ME and at nothing, and Jesterfag… lah-dee-dah fag-voice “Whaddaya barking at? Silly fool.” Dumbass. – And for me? Kick in the face moment… The oil for the car is about 15$ and a new radio? 50$!!! And I spent 30 on the CDs! OH JUST JOLLY FUCK ME! Oh well… I’ve got 110 in the 5s and a day off tomorrow… ROAD TRIP! As much as I HATE going there… Walmarde! I feel better having the oil and filtre for the car. So getting that isn’t a trouble. But the radio! 50$! I expect 100’s! Well… we live, we learn… we work… we shop. Tomorrow… – Meanwihile, just up from a smoke, maybe the final for the night. The rain is falling and the heater is keeping this room ever so warm tonight! I’ve been thirsty most of the evening. I’d really like an orange juice right now, and am down to one cannette of tonique. Oh well. I COULD go to a store… some-where I’m sure… probably some gas station (just like Walker Valley… Stewarts) but nah… it’s not that important. There’s water in here. That’s fine, and probably a little better than juices and such. Tomorrow I can get to the store… FS… I’ll probably be losing them next month anyway with the increase in income. Fucked no matter how one looks at it. – Well. this is on page 5 on the “word” so I may as well post to the journal and get a backup, then put the lights out and go to sleep… I was fighting to stay awake at 19.00… and of course, it’s 21.25 and I’m tired but not enough. Alas… my existence. – 23.25 The snows have begun and I am calling this day done. Fesses-book attack from that author on Dorothy Parker. I replied in kind and blocked. Browsed and left. Dozed off for a moment. Went down for a smoke with Dixie. Jester is awake, eating crackers or something and Mexishit is growling and snarling. Fucking useless thing. But the cats had to go… Karma is handling it. I’m going to sleep. – Maybe tomorrow a radio for the car. We shall see. For now? Nap time! – I need a shower… but… I need a cold drink. But…

Mon.19.Jan: 7.54 A bit of a late start to the day but there’s really no rush. – The cars and such are covered in snow again, but the road is only wet. And it’s warm… WARM in the room and the second storey of the house. Quite warm, indeed. And I don’t know if I’m tired or well-rested. One of “those” days. Well… as time progresses, we shall see. – The first wash is in though. So, something is being accomplished. – I noted last night that the oil isn’t all as expensive as thought AND if I want, I could actually get a new radio. But… since I’ve already ordered the CDs, I’m thinking I could and should save the 50$ and put it into “repairs” on the car. THAT’s more important now… making sure that the car runs and keeps running. The music can wait. – 22.50 I need to go for my last smoke and get my arse to sleep! – The bed’s clean. My clothes are clean. I showered once today. – Went out to Walmarde after doing the wash… Spent about 40$ on oil and an air filtre for the Subaru! AND… another 16$ on a NEW beard trimmer!!! Why? I don’t know… I’m just fed up with the other TWO pieces of Remington shit… and this new one? Remington shit. Oh well… let’s see how it does… it’s been charging all day. – Me? I’ve been going through all the photo-images all day… Just got to the Tilden shots… right after the Hurricane Sandy shots. I want to die… really… there’s no Rockaway to go back to any more. And when I looked at the dates on some of the files… to think of how Eduardo lied to me: “You can’t go back to Rockaway. There’s nothing left out there.” Why do people think me so completely stupid? I wonder. – Oh, speaking of which… apparently hls is is QUITE the depression… and sobbing about and over the cats! WELL! I put in the words to Jester that it might be in the best interest of all to reverse the shit they’ve done. Come to find out… Cubby’s not exactly warming up to anybody in the “new house” and nobody’s seen Shadow at all!!! There’s some fucking shit going on here… and this is not going to be any good… and I’m going to see to it. Apparently Pennythefuck is coming to the house for the 11 Feb, which will be hls’s 65th birthday, complete with party… Jester’s got it in his head that it might be good for Pennythefuckingshit to bring the cats back. Oh… and even the medical staff at the re-hab are now telling that it’s got nothing to do with the cats. Ah… well… I’ve already planted the seeds… I’ll tend to them… Folks is going DOWN for what they’ve done to those poor cats… DOWN! – I need a smoke and sleep. The Subaru has to be at the doctor at 9.00 tomorrow and I need to semi-awake… or something of the sort.

Tue.20.Jan: ***** FED AND STATE TAXES DONE AND POSTED TODAY*****
9.38 DREAM last night… well… it was something about actually going to Mass. to find the cats and bringing them back to the house… on a bike. A “pedal” bike. I rode to the house where they are and when I got there, they both came to me and we hugged and loved and they purred and were so happy to see me. I held them close to me, and cherished them with all my heart and soul. Then, put them into a box, put the box on the back of the bike and pedalled our way over dirt roads, in brilliant sun-shine, to bring them back. But, along the way, a slowly leaking front tyre on the bike. People noticed, made comments about the tyre, but nobody did anything to help. I kept going, and kept going, in the heat and humidity. I was determined to get them back to the house! (Note: before going to bed, Bobo said that he’d had to have a tyre on his car repaired today. Some sort of piece of metal had wedged into it, causing a slow leak. So there’s the connection with the flat tyre.) – I woke with the 5.00 alarm this morning, went back to sleep. Woke with the 6.00 alarm this morning, went back to sleep. – Last night though, before getting into bed and trying to fall asleep because of the appointment at 9.00 this morning for the car, I suddenly realised: after scurrying to get notes together, and things together for this morning’s mad dash out the door… the appointment is for TOMORROW morning! Talk about a “screeching halt”! It truly was like crashing into a wall. A bit of a relief, but still, the shock to the system. – This morning is bright, sunny and clear skies.. and back to the bitter cold. Alas. But, as I always say: “It’s January.” – The house is beginning to stir. I have to use the loo. Timing… always the timing. Oh well. At least I’ve got the morning to un-wind after a night of sleep. Imagine: having to “UN-WIND” after sleep. This is my “life”. – I wonder if Jester has or will mention bringing the cats back. As he said “It would be a wonderful birthday present for Lyle. Penny could go get the cats and bring them back where they belong for him.” (But me? I don’t believe there’s that much compassion in any of them to do so. I just worry that, if the cats get out of that house, they’ll try to make it back here. In this cold, over that distance… certain painful death. May those responsible for this atrocity reap just what they’ve sown.) – 21.16 In bed at last! – And the words of the day?
*** My W2s arrived today, so I got right on-line, printed the forms, completed them both and posted them right away. I don’t even recall what I over-paid in the Fed, but that’s gone anyway. My “gross” income for the year last? 8800. POVERTY and BELOW!
*** The CDs I ordered were delivered, supposedly at 16.10 this evening… which is a lie because I left the office at about 16.45 and they weren’t there. And if they arrived AFTER I left, they were delivered to the “porch” or “at the door”. It’s about minus 14° out there tonight… THAT should make for a delightful effect on the plastic discs. I’m so fucking pissed right about now.
*** That “grinding” noise on the car? Possibly a bearing… a 300-400$ repair job! The conversion of the banque account is about 325$.
*** My new 19$ salary? Well… I’ve now got “Retirement” coming out of it… and with taxes and such… I’m down to 14$. How charming.
What a delightful day, all told. – Meanwhile, I got to the office at 12.15 and had somebody waiting for the mail… I mean, she wasn’t at all pushy about it, but… working off the clock for these people… – The C. showed up today to do some OSHA work and in the “chats” told me that the PO let the other PTF go back to Grand Isle where she wanted to be in the first place, leaving the PTF in Highgate open again. But the C. thinks that if that one can go back to where she wanted to be, there’s a good chance they’ll let me stay in my office. Me? I don’t count on it. I know better. – The situation with Bobo and HLS deepens and thickens. HLS is now talking “D.I.V.O.R.C.E.” thinking that that will save them from having to re-pay the over-payment in the SSI. I told Bobo this evening that there’s NOTHING tying ME into this house so what-ever they get from me is of no import to them. It wasn’t addressed… simply skirted. But then again… I’m not of any particular import to them… aside from the 500$/month income they get. And, I’ll never know how they can be so damned broke with my 500 and Jester’s 300. Although they’re all a bit on the “Living Out Of Their Means”. Just like little kids… no real sense of responsibility. Bobo says Ms. Pennyfukkall will be helping them with their little dilemma because, she, being some kind of “accountant” (probably read: bookkeeper) knows SO much about these things. Oh well. They’ll get what they deserve. – I’ve just had a “hot chocolate” made with the Hershey’s and creamer. It wasn’t half bad but it wasn’t with milk. Still, I’m hoping the sugar will kick in and I’ll get to sleep shortly. Right now I’m wound up because of the CDs and the car. Had it not been for the wear on what-ever’s wrong with the car, I’d’ve driven right down to the PO tonight. But… over-night or not… the freeze will happen… I’ve pissed 30$ away… Fuck me… as usual. – The heater’s been on for a few hours and this room will NOT warm up! It’s that cold out there and the house is that cold as well. The pellets are holding rather well… but I doubt they’ll make it through the month of February. Oh well… what will be, will be. – I need to get to some sleep here. I fear I’m looking at more walking and biking before the Winter’s done. And I’m NOT looking forward to the Highgate thing: 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the evening: 8.30-10.00 and then 16.00-18.00… or something like that. And biking back to Fuklin at 18.00 in snow, on ice, in bitter temperatures… Well? Here we go again… it’s been a kind 3 months with the car. 1300$-plus… for a 3-month gig. Costly… but typical of my existence. – Time to take the car and check-out? Seems so.

Wed.21.Jan: 4.46 Well, I went to sleep at 22.30… and here, 6 hours later, I’m awake, with anxieties about the CDs AND the car. How charming. A nice way to begin a day. Eh? But there’s time to contact the shipper of the CDs and hopefully find them this morning before getting to Mike. Again… nice way to begin another brisk, Wintry morning in the bucolic peace of New England. SHIT! – 22.28 Ah… and so this day comes to a close. – The car made the trip to Mike this morning… and I was there about 5 minutes early. The oil change didn’t take all that long but I did learn that the noise in the wheel? It IS a bad bearing! AND… there are NO brakes in the rear of the car. They’re completely rusted… to nothing! As Mike says though, the front brakes are OK. But the bearing HAS to be changed… “80 to 200$”. As for the cost of the oil change… Funny, but when I asked the wifey, on the phone, she quoted 19,99$ but when it came time to pay this morning, the price was 29,99$. One cannot trust any-one in this place… it’s really no different from other places, just that, as Silas said “One doesn’t expect it here so when it does happen, there’s more impact.” Indeed… However, Mike “bartered” for the fee: He’d been into the PO some time back to mail 2 car parts and I saved him some money on the mailing. 5,95$ each. He handed me 2 similar parts and said that if I’d mail them for him, we’d call it even. 11,90$ for an oil change…. where I supplied the oil, fltre and such…. but still… Well, I agreed but I also paid an extra 20$… just so that nobody can ever say that I don’t pay my way… but that’s me… So… the oil change cost me almost 32$. Steep… but it won’t happen again… and I’ve an appointment for Tuesday… for the bearing… let’s see how much THAT comes to… after the ball-park quote. – OH! and the wifey? Used to work as an LNA with… BOBO! Gee… I wonder if that gives or take “Brownie Points” where I’m concerned… especially since I’m now aware of being judged by my association with “these people”. Oh well… at least the oil in the car is fresh and a mechanic had the time to glance under the hood… although, the appointment was for a better look and… it was a bit on the costly side. – Anyway, the 200$ I didn’t pay toay for the work… it’s still there… and an appointment for Tuesday morning at 11.00 (I’ll probably go, drop the car and walk to work. Though Mike says he or his wife can give me a lift to the office. We’ll see… depends on the weather… or not.) – I was out of there by about 10.00 with nothing to do and I couldn’t go riding on the bad bearing so I popped round the corner (literally) to the Springs to see the office. Well, it’s larger than the “Crique”, almost 3x larger, and very open space. I don’t much like it. Rather a stereotypical post office, quite “cold”. – When I walked in, Nicole was standing there, and I made the usual “Is all the mail in yet?” and “Do you have a parcel for me?” lines… but Libby recognised me right away. Nicole’s quite blah, but Libby was either quite busy or she’s a bit on the quiet side round Nicole. Either way, it wasn’t a “warm” reception” and so, I chatted briefly, took “my” mail and left… went directly to the “Crique” where I rang Highgate to let them know I was in the office already and staying. The C. was at the Springs! So I rang back over there and she reluctantly gave here OK that I could stay… provided I did “no climbing on ladders or lifting heavy things”. In other words… nothing that I could injure myself doing. – I cleaned… again and more. – Well, today I spent most of the day on the phone with FedEx trying to find my CDs. I was livid! All they could tell me is that they were “delivered”, but when I told the little lady on the line that I’d filed a claim AND that I’d already taken the issue to the social media… ESCALATION! “Audrey” took the case and was on the phone regularly during the day to re-assure me that they were investigating. Ah… and THEN, round about 15.30 or so, the door to the office opens and the landlord comes in with a box… a rather large box. He hands it to me saying “This was left at my door at 8.00 last night but I don’t know who it belongs to.” SO… I rang FedEx back to say that it was “Misdelievered” AND that it was “misdelivered” at 8.00pm and NOT at 4.10pm and that the driver is a liar and I’m still not impressed but thank you so much for keeping in touch. – Now, I thought I’d ordered something on the line of 10 discs… No… in the box was another box… of 25 discs! I’m in the CDs! – When I got back to the house this evening, I burned another disc… number 5 now… went out to the car immediately to try it… THIS ONE DOESN’T WORK EITHER! SHIT! ALL THIS MONEY! I COULD HAVE BOUGHT A WHOLE NEW PLAYER BY NOW! FUCK! Well… of course something has to go wrong… I’ve got the brakes, the bearings… and, no doubt, there’s MUCH more to come. Still… I expected to put money into this car, and considering how I got it… the kindness and compassion and help of strangers… the CDs aren’t really an issue… the radio plays, the lights work… It’s not perfect, but it gets me to work and back… and I’m not pedalling in the freeze. I’m happy and grateful. – And do, wrapped the night with a bit of Skype with Viv… but she’s so sporadic that I got too tired to sit and wait for the next line to come… I actually cut it off. – Tired and cold and the heater could get the room temperature up to only 19°. So it was time to get to sleep anyway… and it was getting late. – I had a mug of hot water, the hope of geting right to sleep and the hope of having another dream-visit with Cubby and Shadow… and hoping that they know that they’re not forgotten nor abandoned. (This fucking house and the shit in it… I need to get the fuck out and away… as far away as possible). – (For my closing comment on this day…)
23.07 REPEATEDLY… REPEATEDLY… THE “TRAIN WHISTLE” FROM JESTERFAG’S PHONE! REPEATEDLY REPEATEDLY REPEATEDLY AND NOTHING’S DONE TO STOP IT! THE FAG’S GETTING E-MAILS ON THE PHONE… REPEATEDLY REPEATEDLY REPEATEDLY… 23.08 AND STILL GOING!!!! More and more and more and more this place is the same as the Shelter… with one major exception… there was more respect for others, for the most part… IN THE SHELTER! – 23.10 LIGHTS-THE-FUCK-OUT! –

Thu.22.Jan: 7.46 I feel a if I’d slept the night through with a weight on my entire body. I wonder what caused that. Slept through the 6.00 alarm and woke with the 7.15 and would go back to sleep… I don’t know why, exactly, that I don’t. But.. there’s the start of this day. – 22.55 and yes, indeed, yet ANOTHER CD FUCKED-UP!!! – It was a quiet day at the office. I got another one of those “required” courses done and now have only the “1412′ course to go. So that’s good. – I tracked and noticed that Viv’s sherpas are due in tomorrow. I phone FedEx to make sure. Of course, the only thing I managed to do was to tell them that I work in a post office and have been making sure that my customers avoid FedEx… but no sooner had I finished, somebody phoned back to confirm that I’d received the CDs. Fuktardz… the lot of them. – Well… the C. is gone and I learnt today that she left Rachel with a SHIT-LOAD of work to do!!! I told Rachel that I’d help her by doing the mail whilst she did the paper-work. She said she’d want the C’s permission. Oh well.. I offered. – I had 2 franks in the micro today… I heated them in the plastic package they came in… no rolls today., and I had 2 PopTarts… and now? I’m FUCKING HUNGRY! – Oh, more news from the office: RMPOs will no longer be able to order their own stamps… how charming. I have to order with Highgate who will place the order, receive the order and then send it to me when they get it! SO… this evening I stayed until 17.15 to place a HUGE order… the office is down to about 300$ to play with after this order. But I will NOT run low and have to depend on “them” in Highgate to get me my stock! Fukdatshit. OK? OK. – The car was fine on the trip back to the house this evening. – The vermin were eating when I arrived… Bobo eating yoghurt, Jester eating lasagna. Bobo offered lasagna… I declined. The very thought… yes, it would have been nice… NO I cannot eat with them! Makes me ill even to think about it. – When I got to the room… 15°!!! I had hot cereal, creamer, brown sugar and some chocolate syrup… but too much water so it was almost a beverage. But it was something. – It was then on to packing Viv’s gifts into a nicer box. I sent her (via Skype) a photo of the closet which is now too full already for moving along. And I left her a message to not buy anything more for me (and I told her what finally killed Liz off.. I hope she doesn’t think me offended her. But I CANNOT collect anything more! I CANNOT!!!!) – Worked a bit with Gimip on a photo taken from the car, at work and posted it to the soc.med… FB, Tmblr, Twtr. and worked more on the photos from the iPod. They’re coming along… but there’s quite a few of them and SO many duplicated and I don’t know how they’re coming through as “photo” and “IMG”. Not exactly the same in size most of the time but… I don’t know where and how they got there like that. So… it gives me a hobby. Ah.. the old days when we took photos or found photos and simply put them into books… – 23.00 Jester’s chatting on his phone over there… last night it was the train whistle tonight this shit
MUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE
HLS to return tomorrow evening… let the fun begin!!!
time for last smoke
chilly in the room

Fri.23.Jan: 7.42 Last night, as I lay in bed, waiting to fall asleep. I had the sensation that my entire insides had been removed, that I was nothing but an empty shell, nothing inside, no internal organs, no soul, no spirit, no energy… just nothing… truly nothing, I laid there, wondering, for a moment or so, if I hadn’t actually died. I was aware of the heater running. I was aware of “being” in the bed, and I remembered: “Be very careful what you say in the room, because the last sense to go is hearing.” (From Hospice work.) And I wondered: had my body died and my hearing remained for the time-being. And I drifted off to sleep. – Friday… much to do at the moment I walk into the post office today. – HLS returns this evening. – (Saturday morning) Well indeed, work went rather well today. And I DID re-arrange the office. Moved the desk so that it now faces the window. The wiring of things in that place is almost amazing. Things plugged in every which way and no outlets to speak of. I always wonder what people were thinking when they put those things in where they did. Especially the one that’s up by the ceiling. But, everything’s plugged in safely (or, even as the case in this house, as safely as possible). The desk? Well, the floor slants, and now, so too, the desk and the chair. If I were to be staying at that office for any particular length of time, I’d get plywood and such to compensate. But for now, it’s fine as it is. I’ll adjust, no doubt… and then be removed. – But I was out by 17.00 and the car made the trip back to the house. Now… may it make the next few days until the repairs can be effected. – OK! Got back to the house this evening to find the crew here… all of them. HLS is looking quite grey. This last bout of all has truly taken quite the toll. I made the mandatory “Welcome” and came up to the room. But shortly after, when I went back down-stairs for a smoke, L. was in the parlour… alone. BOTH Bobo and his little bitch were gone. Oh, the little bitch was standing in the kitchen when I’d come in from my smoke, leaning on the back of a kitchen chair, starring into a mug of soda (a drink, no doubt). Poor little shit… the “happy days” of “being with the one it loves” are over. The “husband” has returned. Makes me sick. But… I stopped by the parlour to comment and be sociable and was asked to come sit for a while. I came up to the room to have a peanut-butter-and-choco-syrup on a roll and then went back down. And that’s when “it” began. – Apparently Bobo went to fetch L. and the nasty attitude commenced immediately. Just rude and crude from the start. It made for a nasty return trip. Then, the attitude escalated when they arrived back at the house. As we talked, L. broke down and wept because of the cats. “I understand you’re pretty upset about the cats being gone.” Oh HOH! The “talk” has spread about! The TWO little bitches and their rumour-mill! FUCK! Pansy-ass little sissy-bitches. HOW I HATE FAGGOTS! It’s no wonder people can’t stand Gay men! It’s no wonder many Gay men can’t stand them. And these two in this house are nothing more (nor less) than qunty little drag bitches. Whiney little qunty drag-bitches. But, I took the opportunity to say make one comment: I’m rather surprised that your sister would participate in this effort. And, I added, that I find that she’s just like my own sister in this respect. Well… that didn’t settle well, especially since he knows my particular feelings about and toward my own siblings and what shit they pulled on me! He got on the phone, rang Pennyfucker and began weeping… “I want the cats to come back home.” and I heard him say “They’re my children.” BUT… true to colour and course, just as I suspected, the Masshole on the other end refused. “The trip would be too traumatic for them.” (the cats). When he told me that, I simply said that it wouldn’t be so “traumatic” because they’d be coming BACK to the HOME they KNOW. He agreed. So I said, calmly “If that car (mine) would make the trip, I’d make the trip and they’d be back tomorrow.” He asked if I’m working tomorrow, I said that I am but that we’ll have opportunities to talk. I over-heard him tell PennyMasshole that Bobo will be working some hours tomorrow as well. (Yeah…. “working”… I wonder… on whom.) But yes, indeed, there will be time to “chat”. I’m finding all of this bull-shit rather difficult to handle. Conniving. Plotting. Scheming. The vileness of those other two. Just disgusting. – Well, I did sit for a couple of hours, with light chat. Bobo was up in the room. Jester made itself scarce. L. wants to move out of the house… HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE! And this is pissing me off more than just about anything else. “Marriage”. I’ve always known that the majority of Gay men are NEVER able to have meaningful relationships. They’re immature, at best. Sad… but so true. Just like my old man… whom I’ve always suspected and always will. – It was almost 22.00 when I finally got back up to the room. I watched as L. moved about the place and into the kitchen with the help of the walker. The cooler than PennyMasshole brought on one of her “visits” is sitting in the kitchen, in the way. L. asked where it came from. I simply said “it suddenly appeared”. there will be time for “chat”. – L. tried to make it up the stairs tonight but just doesn’t have the strength. Ah.. and with a “spouse” who has the training to help with this situation… but won’t. The Evil… pure Evil! Well… there’s “Karma”.. and yes, in deed, there is! – There was a bit of a message from Viv on the Skype this evening. Seems my telling her not to “buy” for me ticked her off a tad. Oh well… so be it. I don’t much care. I don’t have the room to store any more things. And… I don’t much care, bottom line. But she told me of having to go for blood-work and did close her message with love. So? We shall see what that’s all about… “there will be time to chat”. I told her, briefly, of the situation here… bringing it out of the house… just in case of what-ever may be to come. I want people to know. I might not be so “loving” toward anybody in this house, but those cats don’t deserve the punishment they’re getting and I will NOT sit by as siblings fuck-over siblings… –
***** Note this evening: When I finally got into bed, much stirring about directly out-side my door, in the hall-way, in the dark. Some sort of chit-chat from Jester… who doesn’t know how to whisper… I didn’t hear Bobo but it sounded as if there were more than one person, malingering about the door. I wonder… I just wonder. But…there will be time to chat… indeed… I just have to mind my words, is all. But there will be time. *****

Sat.24.Jan: 5.59 Bloated. Gaseous. Horribly gaseous this morning. I wonder why. The 2 franks I had all day yesterday? Hmmm…. Oh well… another day. Oh.. and when I came back in from my smoke? Ellie’s already peed at the front door! Yes… one more point in my favour… get rid of the cats but keep the peeing old thing in the house. L. is still on anti-biotics and will, in all likelihood, be on them long-term… and be walking in dog urine! This house is a fuck shit-hole. – This morning I realised that I must be very careful what I say, even in support of L. No matter what, there will be words used against me and I’ll find myself being confronted, no doubt, with the likes of “You’re pitting my husband against me.” So… extra care is called for in this place. Or… silence. – 6.26 and Bobo is off and down the road… to…? (None of my business…) And the “spouse” is asleep (hopefully) on the recliner in the parlour. And Bobo took off out the front door… inconsiderate, but “typical” and rather to be expected. – Now we wait for the phone across the hall to start… little messages passing back and forth. Honestly.. makes me want to hurt something… – 6.43 just catching up with Wednesday here and there’s ANOTHER FUCKING FLY BUZZING ABOUT! FLIES! THIS SHIT-HOLE IS FULL OF FLIES! Well.. there’s more than enough shit in the place. – 15.05 HAIR-CUT! BEARD-TRIM! NAP TIME! – And eventually, the shit will be shoved into my face. I saw John (Bgbee)at the office today and I rather told him how things are here these days. He said he had no idea. But… L. got defended. B. got told about. And Jester? Well… that’s out of the bag now. – Nap time. more later. – 18.17 Well that was some kind of “nap”… almost 3 hours. I’ll be sorry as the night progresses… no doubt. – Before I laid down, I checked the Skype to leave a note for Viv and there was one fro here already… OFFERING TO HELP WITH GOING TO GET THE CATS!!! So I looked for Pittsfield MA… it’s just south of Albany! No “quick trip” that one. As L. says, “4 and a half hours away”. Me? When the car will make the trip… I’m on it. – I’ve much to catch-up on here in this Journal so… for a while… – 18.59 IF YOU WANNA BE HAPPY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE is playing on RougeFM!!! A re-make of sorts but… DENIS! Sweet-heart. I wonder how (and IF) he is these days. – 22.55 L. is in bed! I don’t know why, but there’s a part of me that thrills when those who have been so ill for so long return to “normalcy”. Even those I can’t say that I even “like”. I went down for my last smoke. Poor Dixie had to move her bowels! Honestly, this is why I don’t even “like” these faggots. Feed the dogs and then make sure that THEY are comfortable… in bed, asleep. Anyway, I thought for sure that L. would be down-stairs, but when I looked… nope. – Well, I’m wondering if John B. will be by tomorrow, as he said he might. After I told him about his little faggot friend (whose intentions are purely evil.). And when he said that Bobo thought that L. wouldn’t make it back home and I said “He was counting on it.” And then we got into the cats and John said “You’d think that that would be something they’d talk about and discuss before making any decisions.” Ah, well.. Then he thanked me for letting him know what’s going on and as he drove away he said “Your situation over there in that house sounds like an episode of “As The Squirrel Turns”. So… it’s going to be interesting to see how the Rumour Mill turns now. Not that I give a shit any longer. This evening, I was just thinking: L. brought in 735, Jester was paying the food and providing some 300… 1035 per month. My 350 at the time came to 1385$ per month income, plus Bobo’s salary. And they STILL can’t keep up with the bills. Then this month, should I put in 350 at month’s end, I’ve put in 650$ this month. As I told John “Not my monkeys, not my circus”. Surely that will get back some-how. But then again… nah… John’s the same as the rest of them. But I made certain to tell him “This is why I’m not in a relationship. I have no time for all this bull-shit.” Hopefully, if anything gets back round… THAT does. – I’m going to “pair-off” the one set of photos left her and then turn in for the night… as the snow is falling… yet again.

Sun.25.Jan: 8.22
DREAM:
Oddly, just before falling asleep tonight, as I laid in bed, eyes, closed, I suddenly saw, almost as if on the backs of my eye-lids, the perfect images of cats’ faces. As if they were coming to me.

The first was the largest and brightest and clearest. I felt as if it was the spirit of Cubby, coming to tell me that either he or Shadow had died. And my heart ached SO terribly… and then, with more faces, I drifted off to sleep… and into the dream…
Again this morning/last night, I went to get the cats. Walked into a crowd of people in the house this time. MANY people, including Penny and Bruce. It was some kind of gathering, like a party or the likes. As I entered the house and crowd, Shadow came out from under some furniture in another room and RUSHED toward me! Cubby came, almost a bit reluctantly, and started to rub up against me. I picked him up and started scratching and rubbing him as he laid in my arms and I spoke to him, the way I always do with cats, in a sort “meowing” voice. As I did, he suddenly rolled over on his back and his eyes opened SO WIDE, he opened his little mouth and SO LOUDLY began “meowing” but as he did, he mouthed the words “I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!…” as if he was saying “I KNOW YOU! I KNOW YOU! I KNOW YOU!” My heart actually cramped in pain and I started yelling at the people and Penny, Bruce and Bob in particular! YELLING at the very top of my breath and lungs! I kept telling them how hateful, how neglectful, how cruel and EVIL… PURELY EVIL they all were, especially Penny, Bruce and Bob! As I yelled at them, the others started telling me that I was rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, and with all of my energy I told them all to “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” That it was obvious that the cats weren’t being cared for nor about. That they’d taken the cats from their HOME and that THEY were neglecting them. I made some kind of comment that their fat kids took priority and that the poor cats were being neglected, that they were ALL miserably selfish, and that they were torturing the poor cats, just waiting for them to die a miserable death. And all the while, the others were telling me to shut up, to stop yelling, and I kept insisting that THEY shut the fuck up! As this was going on, Cubby was almost hugging me and Shadow was trying to hide either behind or beside me, waiting for me to take them both out of the house. – I woke, feeling like absolute shit, exhausted. I’d only gone to sleep at about mid-night and here, when I looked at the clock, it was 2.30 in the morning. The sleep and the dream had come quickly… and powerfully.
This business of the cats being gone is now taking a toll on ME! And I don’t mind saying that my “hate” toward Bobo, Jester, Pennythefuck and Bruce is growing quite deep and terribly strong. And I fear for the welfare of Cubby and Shadow. I actually FEAR for their well-being. But that it’s taking such a toll on ME! L. keeps crying and obviously I’m internalising his pain. Not good… just not good. More reason to get out of here. And to think that Viv has offered to drive down from MTL to drive all the way to Pittsfiield to get the cats! I looked-up Pittsfield… it’s just South of Albany… it’s that far away. Albany can be reached in about 2 hours, because of the Northway, but Pittsfield… there’s no truly direct way to get there and as L. says, it takes 4,5hours to get to. I wish the Subaru could make the trip. But then again, I don’t know WHERE the cats are down there. I could probably find out from L. Oh.. if only the Subaru could take the trip! But maybe I can get the car together for such a trip… soon… and go. Things might not have been “perfect” for the cats here, in this house. But it’s their “HOME” and they do NOT deserve to be tossed the way they’ve been. And if L. wants them back… if I can see to it… I WILL make it so. – As for the rest of this day? Well… I spent the entirety in the room, still filtering through all the “image” files I have on the computer. It was truly an entire day’s worth of effort. There are so many duplicates, and inexplicable duplicates as well. I’ve gotten them pretty much in directories, and now should go through and clean out the actual duplicates. How I wonder where the rest of my photos and such are. Perhaps on the other flash drives. But then.. there’s SO VERY MUCH that’s GONE! I’ve always been so mindful of the property and possessions of others through my life-time… only to have others simply toss me aside and throw MY little bits of possessions away. Garbage… trash… me and mine… (Is it any wonder I take this situation with the cats so deeply to heart? I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW what it is to be thrown aside. Indeed… I KNOW.) – But I tell you and record here: I found a photo of Cubby in the images, and I posted it to fessesbook with a message of the cruelty. If ANYBODY even remotely associated with these miserable bits of Hell’s EVIL have access to my account, and I actually hope somebody does… I can’t wait for this to get back round… to those pieces of worthlessnes… and then, back to me! Truly… ALL HELL WILL BE UN-LEASHED AND I’LL SEE TO IT THAT IT DOES!

Mon.26.Jan: 7.36 Should be an interesting day. I didn’t get to sleep until almost 2.00 this morning. Just couldn’t get to sleep. And then fell asleep with the light on. I was almost afraid of the dreams I might have. Silly, really. But I just couldn’t put the light out. – But the wash is in. L. is in the parlour, asleep… and OH! SO WHITE! This is not good… not good at all. I just hope the machine’s spin cycle doesn’t disturb him. But… the clothes are in and wet so there’s no turning back at this point. – I have to get yesterday’s notes down here… and should post this. It’s page 6 already. – Let’s see what comes along with this day… another truly brisk and snappy Winter morn. – 8.06 there wasn’t much to journal for yesterday, and there isn’t much to say about this morning either, save, the sun is shining and the temperatures are bitter. The wash should be done by now. I’m relieved that I got the dream documented. And I still can’t really … well… yes I can… I CAN understand why the situation with the cats strikes so hard and so deep inside me. It’s actually that Sunday morning… Cyndi taking me “out to breakfast” in Pine Bush, to take me away from the house so that Tony and Joe could pack me up and toss ME out of the house… just throw me out, with no place to go to. Again… as Cubby said “I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!” And these are the words that stick with me. – Time to get the wash into the dryer. Hopefully this isn’t disturbing L. It’s really something to see… he’s SO SO SO PALE! And it seems nobody else gives a shit. That’s how they are. I’m still convinced: Bobo is just biding the time until L. kicks off. – 10.19 Well.. I posted the journal entry about the cats on fessesbook this morning. Got a couple of responses. Let’s see where it goes. – AND… I went down to get my wash form the dryer to find L. standing at the TV, the credenza pulled away from the wall. Seems one of his speakers was disconnected and of course, he HAD to get at it… but it only resulted in being worse. Ah… but when he bitched about Bobo pulling the house apart, I had my opportunity to point up to Jester’s room and simply, quietly say “Side-kick”. – I dread the events that may follow in this house today. PLEASE let the car take me to work! – 22.27 The thermo reads 22°C but it feels almost like 22°F in here this evening. There’s talk about a “major” storm to come tomorrow. Much snow… Some say it’s more to the South… I wait to see. – This morning began with L…. I went down for my last smoke before shower to find him up, and at the TV, trying to fix the speakers. When he told me Bobo had broken something, I snapped “Well then HE should be the one to fix it!” and I stayed about just long enough to appear concerned. – Ah… then it was shower and off to work. – The car started right up, and it was quiet to the office. (Not so much on the return though. Tomorrow is INTEGRAL… It MUST be repaired!) – When I arrived at the office, the landlord there met me at the door… Viv’s package arrived… SATURDAY EVENING! I’m fed-up with this FedEx bull-shit! But I have to make certain it was THEM who delivered it. Meanwhile, I’m sending forms to Viv to make certain that it’s documented that she receives parcels at the office. Fuck them all! – Got out on time this evening… sadly. I was in no particular rush to get back to the house, other than to let Viv know that her sweat-shirts had arrived. – Chatted nicey-nicey and came to the room immediately… to 14°C! Put the heater on and lit the terra-cotta heater as well. It’s still chilled in here. But the heater is cycling. – Had a chat on the Skype with Viv for a while this evening. And had a shot of vodka (which obviously isn’t doing a damned thing to help me sleep). – And now? I’m going to TRY for a sleep. – L. is up in the bed tonight. May he sleep restfully. – And me? I’m off… and hopefully to sleep. The Subaru has to be at the shop by 11.00 and if all goes well enough… I’ll stroll over… on foot. Thankfully, the walking comes as no stranger to me. (Oh… and hopefully this won’t be much more money than I have on hand.) – 19.05 CRAMPS!!! REAL CRAMPS!!! I had two Ramen when I came in, the paper inner cup leaked and so… once again, I was splashed. FUCK ME! – But the bearing is done on the car and cost me only 180$ (as if I have 180$ to spend). But at least it wasn’t more and although I now have 20 to put into the gas tank (needed), I still have the CIBC account intact. So that’s a positive. Yes indeed. – 14° in the room when I arrived this evening. We’re not getting all the threatened snow. Apparently it’s more to the South of here. But we ARE getting the COLD! – OH… spoke with L. this morning and told him about Viv’s offer to get the cats. He cried, then said he couldn’t do that to the folks that have the cats. Apparently Cubby and Shadow are doing OK down there. L. has photos of them on his phone and they appear to be OK. Hey… maybe this IS for the better for them! I still do NOT like the idea of HOW it all took place and WHY. But, now all I can do is pray that they’ll have better care and more love. – I fucked the financials at work today. Put the wrong AIC in for 200$ worth. Oh well… I don’t give a shit. The deposit was made, the 1412 balanced and that’s that. If there’s any trouble, let them figure it out. OH! And again this week… TWO Expresses from MA in the bottom of TWO bags! Both from MA… bags and mail, dated the 8th Jan.15! One was supposed to go to US CIS. Oh well.. tough shit for the sender. It’s going to cost the PO about 40$ but HEY! I didn’t do it! – 19.30 just sent Viv a message about the forms I sent to her today. And I’m actually quite tired (and quit chilled… I’ve got the heater and the “tealightpot” going and the chill in the room won’t go away). So, it’s “tea time” and then under the blankies to sleep… I hope. – I think it was the tension of worrying about the car and the cost that’s giving me cramps this evening. Oh well… it’s done. Time to collapse.

Wed.28.Jan: 9.57 I woke at 6.00 but… got into the soc.med and the images files. Should have made a wash but L. was in the parlour again this morning and I had an attack of “conscience”. Oh well… I COULD have made the wash when he woke, but… some-how, this morning, all I want to do is sleep. The skies are clear, there was a “considerable” amount of snow over-night but nothing out of the ordinary. It’s 0° on the barn thermo but there’s something about the air that’s cuttingly cold. And I want to sleep. – 20.18 Having a shot of vodka to fend-off the anxiety and stress of the general depression caused by the general depression of anxiety and stress. – It was one of “those” days. The car swerves to the left. I think it has something to do with the wheel on the front-passenger side. I got to the office early enough and the volume was light but then I went through all of the mail bags to make certain that there’s no more “Express” mail in any of them. There’s the matter of the supplies never received and this evening I could close-out the credit card machine because there’s no paper tape for it and it ran out! The issue with FedEx not delivering is still boiling and I ripped into them again today. There’s more coming along with the office and the not knowing about the changes to come. And of course, as always, this house makes me ill. Then, I sent the “Special Addressing” forms to Lisa, thinking I was being kind… only to receive one of her curt replies “Where did this come from?” My reply was equally curt “The USPS web-site”. Period. – Rachel asked me if I was still sending financials over to the Springs and when I told her I am, she wanted to know why, since she’s no longer there to keep and review them. When I told her about the staples from Diana she asked “Who died and made HER the boss?” Indeed… who? I’m about to stop this bull-shit of having to “report” to that office and if need be, will send my financials to Highgate… if at all. But I doubt I’ll be sending much of anything for a while anyway… considering I won’t have the printer capabilities very soon. – BUT I ORDERED A LITTLE SPEAKER (from Amazon… thanks to Rachel) so that I can listen to the iPod in the car. I ORDERED… WITH MY DEBIT CARD! (15US will be about 18 from my account though… but that’s OK because in the long run, the “extra” I get when I deposit really isn’t mine anyway so it evens out over-all. AND I have the ability to order and shop again!) – I didn’t leave the office until about 17.30 this evening. But I have my work caught up and I don’t have to “worry” about being “found out” and punished. – This evening, it cost me 20$ for half a tank of gas. The “High Octane” since the engine has been “ticking” since I changed to the mid-range. Hey! If it keeps the car running, it’s worth it. And the 20 was from the bearing job. So, it was money I didn’t plan to have anyway. – When I got to the house this evening, I got the “obvious” silence from Bobo. I wonder if the soc.med isn’t getting back to him. This morning I posted and up-date with photo on Cubby and Shadow but was certain to repeat my heart-felt wish… that Karma re-pay… swiftly. Well… IF anything is ever said to me, I won’t deny any of it. I see what I see and hear what I hear AND if anything untoward is said to me, fact is: much of my perspective is from what I’ve been told… by the little House Jester. Suck it up, faggots. I don’t give a shit… or… as ’tis said at HOME: J’m’en contre-câlisse! – Viv sent a Skype this morning saying that she’d come down for her sherpas and the postal forms and asking if I could bring the forms to Bedford on Friday. HEY! I paid the fucking postage and sent the fucking return postage! Seriously! People! I’m certain her intentions were sparkling, but after I’ve already sent? And paid the postage… BOTH ways? VOYONS! – Anyway, I got into a 15° room this evening. It’s up to about 21 or 22 now but there’s still the “chill” in here… probably from the walls. Thank goodness for the little heater! – The house is quiet and dark. They’ve all gone to bed for the night. I went down for my last smoke… BITTER cold out there tonight! And when I’m done sipping my “calmer”… lights out. I want to stop at the Fuklin office in the morning for the paper for the credit-card machine and if not there, to the Springs (where the rest of it from Sheldon probably went in the first place). Out of here BY 11.00! – There’s more snow in the forecast for Thursday night through most of the week-end. Joy! – And I’m actually quite hungry now… and nothing but Ramen, peanut-butter and some rolls to eat. Yup… time for sleep… and escape. – One more note on this day: I’m having those “banging” chest pains again. As I waited for the car to warm up after work this evening, standing beside it in front of the office, out of no-where… BANG! Right in the sternum! First thought: This is no place to have a heart attack, imagine, dropping dead in front of the post office in Sheldon… VT. NO! And the pain passed. Hey, I’m old… not even “getting old”… OLD. The “Time” I’ve been waiting for is ever so near now. Time to “plan”.

Thu.29.Jan: 5.53 The month of January has passed quite quickly. It’s the “Depression” part of the season… my “WINTER” is leaving! In NYC, this was the “safe” season, the season where it was more difficult to be tossed from shelter. Here, though, that’s not the case, especially in this house. But those “comforts” remain in the heart and mind. No, this is not my NYC. (Come to think: “my” NYC isn’t any more either, for that matter.) Still.. a life-time remains, burned into the cellular structure, no matter what. – And I am awake. L. is in the bed. I’m thinking of making a wash this morning. At last. And there’s much to do before going into the office today. – That shot of vodka certainly helped last night. I went right to sleep and woke before the alarm this morning. – Feeling a touch nauseated though, for some reason. Poor diet? Stress? Anxieties? Any number of things possible. –
23.28 It was a miserable day at work, with the orders for supplies being returned again, arguing with the shippers who suddenly won’t deliver to the office and I had to send my first State-wide e-mail request out to the other offices for help. (Ah… but it worked and with-in moments, the PM fro Stowe… STOWE… came through! THAT was amazing! And a relief! Now I have the burden of waiting and hoping that the replacement arrives so that I can replace the kindness… promptly.) Honestly… the general fucktards at Staples and FedEx and some courier service out of Wlliston called “Green Mountain Courier”… the courier being the ones who fail to make the deliveries. SHIT! “Green Mountain” my arse. – But, I left the office on time this evening, exhausted and annoyed. – When I got to the house, I stopped at the parlour to make with the usual “let’s be congenial chat” and noticed that I’m really getting a cold shoulder from Bobo. I wonder if my posts to fesses-book aren’t being seen by somebody who’s managing to make with a connection. Well, the World is a telling place. But I don’t give a shit, really. – I came to the cold room, put on the heater and proceeded to polish off the 2 “50’s” tonight, determined to get to sleep early enough. – Had a Skype-chat video with Viv for quite the while. They were getting the snow already at 18.00! And quite a bit of it too. Ah Skype… I keep thinking of the song “Night-time in Montreal”… “will you Skype me down to the river, I don’t know if I’ll make it that far”. Years ago, many years ago now, I’d check the Montreal web-cam to see stills of Ste-Catherine to know the weather there. Today, connect with Viv and get live visuals. How life has changed so much… I’m not so sure that I prefer this though. It’s convenient, indeed. But I miss the “old” ways. I’m getting very “old” m’self, so it would seem. – Well, we cut off the vid-chat at about 22.00. I need to get some rest. Tomorrow’s Friday and the running in the morning. Whether or not I’ll make it depends on the weather. I still can’t take that car out in storms… not that distance (St.A. to Bedford to work). Oh well. I’m not complaining. There’s a car now, instead of walking, as I did, or biking… as I’ve done. – Well, I used the few moments of “awake” to put some more music on the iPod. I’ve deleted some of the videos to make space. – The snow is just arriving here. It’s light but it’s supposed to be steady all through the night. – The plans for tomorrow are to give the trip a try, but I’ll get in touch with Viv in the morning. Right now… time to get to sleep! SLEEP! PLEASE!

Fri.30.Jan: 19.01 fucking shit.. 19.00 on the dot as all was quiet! Fucking YIPPING! Fucking shit-hole, this fag palace. The day started out rather fun with a 2h45min vid-chat on the Skype with Viv. I was up at about 5.30 and she was on-line at about 6.00. I checked the CU for the deposit and there it was… and again, just short of 700. But I learnt today that 3% is taken out for my “retirement”.. Oh joy for that! As if I’ll be around long enough for that shit. Well… it’s there. (OH! And the account info FINALLY arrived TODAY! From 27 Dec. 2014!) Anyway, I was going to go HOME today, meet Viv in Bedford and such, but the snows of last night accumulated and were still falling all morning so she suggested we meet on Sunday morning. Which, as the day went, was a perfect suggestion because, the dive into St.A. for the CU? It was like driving a fishing boat on rough seas! The car swerves all over the place on the snow! I don’t understand why! I went TO St.A. on the 105 because it was clearer. BUT, I made the mistake of taking the back road to the Viens rd to the 105 and WOAH! To the left, to the right, to the left… A MESS! But… I made it OK and fine and was in the office by 12.15… with lunch and coffee fro Hannaford’s . – (19.09 and oh yes… the “Friday night” begins… the TV is on, L’s fucking woofer-bass is cranked. Fag Palace shit-hole here.) – My tooth is chipped a bit more tonight and my tongue is getting slashed again, how nice. – Meanwhile, the day at work went busily and yet I was out of there shortly after 16.30. (Honestly, I do NOT know why I rush.. to get to this hole!) And it snowed ALL through the day! – The drive back? Typical of VT: speeding and the likes. These people are a congregation of retards… too much in-breeding no doubt. – The reception was “the usual”. I am SO “on the out” unless it’s convenience to be on the “in”. I came in, chatted briefly ad came to the cold room, put the heater on and did some calculations for tomorrow’s mileage submission and such. I hope my little speaker comes tomorrow (but I doubt it will) so I’ll have some music for Sunday’s drive. – Anyway… the annoyance of this evening: I went to have a smoke earlier, after leaving a note for Viv on the Skype and Mexishit was being playful with me. As I usually do, I played a bit with her tail and was told “She’s not very fond of that tail-grabbing thing. Randy says she was abused.” and as HLS said so, Chica jumped up on my shin, her little tail wagging!!! These fat-arsed lazy good-for-absolutely-nothing-faggot-pansy-sissies need to mind their own fucking business! Just pissed me off altogether! – So, I’m having my tea and will head for sleep. I have to get up early tomorrow morning anyway, and, no doubt, this is going to be a LOUD sort of night, if being Friday night and all. – OH OH OH BUT.. I DID post a 350 money order to the fagz. It’s “Official”… 650$ paid to them the month of January! (But I DO know… if they didn’t NEED the income, they’d be tossing me right the fuck out the door. Too fucking bad for them. Let’s see when Sister Pennyfuckingshithead comes on the 11th to dole out more cheques. Useless fucktards… the lot of them.) – Time for some sleep. There are notes from last night that should be put in but, I’m tired.

Sat.31.Jan: 4.21

Where-ever you go, there you are. – Yes, indeed. I am awake. Before the 5.00 alarm. I fell right to sleep last night. Woke at 0.54, all fresh a delighted, ready to take on the day. Looked at the clock and went back to sleep. – Woke again just now, have had coffee and a smoke. But when I woke this time, I thought of the little “Virgin Mobile” phone and the alarm that I had on that in the Shelter and the heart-ache of things-gone gripped… first thing in the morning. Coming in from the smoke I thought of how I’d come to VT to get away from all those heart-aches and that adage: Where-ever you go, there you are… here I am… so too… the heart-aches and the general “Fuck You!” to those who turned against me. – A new day… old heart-aches. Where-ever I go… here I am. – 15.04 Returned from a day at the office, a visit with Diana at the Springs where I got my speaker for the iPod, then directly to the dép, CIBC (using the machine!) and Metro. VOILA! The speaker is charging, I’m having my yoghurt, dropping a note to Viv and I need a nap! (Oh… 2 CoffeeCrisps left on L’s lap… He and Bobo are both snoozing… how amazing is that… NOT! and the Jester is busy doing something… no doubt something that’s none of it’s business but I’m in the room and don’t give a fuck.) – 20.44 Time for sleep! But having a 50 first. – Napped for almost an hour and then Skyped with Viv for over an hour. – THE SPEAKER IS AMAZING! The sound that comes from that little thing is quite remarkable! I can’t wait to see what it does in the car! On the down side though I have to find some kind of little carry-case for all this shit now. But… it’s worth it! Now I want one for the office and one for the room as well. This is really nice! Not “stereo”… as has been pointed out by HLS, but you know what? Fuck you. Just because.. fuck you. I LIKE this thing! (Even if it did cost me almost double the US price.) – I got nothing at all done since I got into the house but then again… there really wasn’t much that I HAD to DO. The accounts are balanced, the 2 freaks went out shopping this evening, leaving L. at home alone (so I know the money order arrived… they went SHOPPING!!!! They had MONEY! … and I have the receipts to trace. 650$ this month.) But so long as my accounts are balanced, I’m fine. AND… I got my 4 packs of smokes, can get more tomorrow so that’s fine as well. – Besides… I won’t be spending the day in bed tomorrow, so today? I get my little bit of rest. – The day went OK at the office. But the speaker created quite the event. I’d noted on the PO.com site that it was NOT to be left, it was to be delivered as addressed. And my note showed on the Springs’ “MYPO”. Rachel rang me to give me all sorts of shit about it and I gave her her shit right back… as a customer. She wanted to close the issue with a delivery and I wouldn’t allow it because Libby had come with my mail and it wasn’t in there (even though the tracking showed that it had left Nashua this morning…. suspicious indeed). Ah… but no sooner do I get done screaming at Rachel when the phone rings… DIANA! “I have a parcel here for you. I didn’t notice it was yours and Libby won’t be back until late today. Would you like me to scan it “delivered” and bring it over when I close?” I didn’t say what I COULD have said (WHAT THE FUCK DIANA? YOU’RE SUPPOSE TO DELIVER ALL THE MAIL THAT COMES IN ON THE DAY IT ARRIVES! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?), instead I said that she could “deliver” it and I’d pick it up when *I* get done. Ah… OK then… BUT… I GOT ON THE PHONE AND RANG RACHEL AND TOLD HER SHE COULD CLOSE HERE ‘ISSUE’ BECAUSE THE PARCEL WAS ‘FOUND’… and I told her the saga… SHE TOO wanted to know why the parcel didn’t get delivered with my mail. I told her to ask Diana… I had no idea. HOW-EVER….. THIS WEEK ALONE IVE HAD TO FIGHT WITH FEDEX, STAPLES, LEARNT ABOUT “GREEN MOUNTAIN COURIER” *AND* I’VE NOW GOT THE DIRT ON UN-DELIVERED MAIL FRO THE USPS? I DARE SOMEBODY TO GIVE *ME* SHIT NOW. “Karma”… if we give it the chance, it’s a wonderful “force” (may it smack Bobo and Pennyfickingbitch swiftly, long-term and as hard as the pain they’ve cause Lyle). – That said… this evening, Jester informs me… and I MUST NOTE: THIS SATURDY-COMING IS THE PARTY FOR LYLE AND THAT QUNT IS COMING FROM MASSHOLE! I MUST BE THE ACTUAL FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! I WILL NOT BE PART OF ANYTHING THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT PIECE OF SHIT! – OK. that noted… seems Viv’s found a flat available come June in… Vimont! Ever so close to where she used to live! She’s looking forward to moving again… 650/4rms. FOUR! Really? Let’s talk (only here) about having what we an afford… and what we need… And if I hear anything about not having the rent again? Oh well… 4 rooms? NNnnnnope. Not unless one of them is mine… and not even then. – On that note, it’s 21.13, there’s a tentative 10.00 date in Bedford tomorrow for breakfast and the sherpas. I’ve finished the one “50” and want a smoke before hitting the next one. AND I want to make a “play list” for the car for tomorrow….!!! So it’s off to a smoke I go. and then? And then…. – 24.59 still awake after two 50’s and I don’t know why… off for last smoke. Tired… all day… this is shit!