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Sun.1.Feb:
HOME VIV
19.48 SHIT! I’D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THAT TODAY’S THE 1st! My brain is officially “gone”. – BUT… WHAT A TOTALLY AMAZING BEGINNING TO A NEW MONTH THIS WAS! THE ENTIRE DAY… WITH VIV!!! AT HOME! BEDFORD, COWANSVILLE, St.HUBERT, WALMART, CANADIAN TIRE… JUST SO, SO AMAZING! We Skyped this morning… I was SO tired, after the 2 50’s last night to get to sleep. I would have truly liked to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. But there were the sherpas that I wanted so much to get to her. The roads were a mess, for the most part, here and the car, well, driving itself where-ever it wants to go. (Always something that can’t be completely correct.. my life.) But, at the last moment… OFF TO THE SHOWER! and OUT THE DOOR! – On my way out, I stopped to “chat” with the … them… in the kitchen (I really had no choice). But L’s words to me as I left “When you see her, tell Viv I thank her very much for her offer to go South.” (to get the cats back) and the tears welled in his eyes. So I joked “Oh, she’s been doing that for years, but the doctor says that if she continues taking those tablets, that should stop soon.” and he roared with laughter… I left! – The drive up was rather OK, considering the roads were packed snow and ice. – AH… at the border, Linda! She came out of the trailer with the usual “Bonjour.” and I replied “BONJOUR! Comment ca va?” and she started “Ca va… OH! Monsieur Postes!” and from there it was… HOME! With the sherpas in the back seat. – And I must add: I LISTENED TO THE MUSIC TODAY! THE LITTLE SPEAKER TRULY WORKS QUITE WELL! I SANG! For the first time in ages, I could SING as I drove! – And it really IS quite something, when I stop to think: HOME… Winter… driving along, knowing where I’m going, so familiar now… HOME.- I got into Bedford round about something after 10.00, went to the Metro, expecting to see Viv already… but nope. She hadn’t arrived yet. So I waited and then wondered if she;d gone over to the dép for gas so I went over there. Nope… I got 4 packs of smokes whilst there and headed back to the Metro to wait a bit more. There, after another moment, she was at the Ultramar! So I walked over. IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL DELIGHT to see her! Oh hugs! – I got into her car and we were off… she wanted to head directly to Cowansville and so, we were off and rolling. – The drive seemed MUCH shorter than the once I’d gone. But then, there was company and I wasn’t driving and the skies were clear and the roads were MUCH better than in Fuklin. – Walmarde, first stop. We browsed. I got more sandalwood oil whilst there (they had 5 bottles.. I have them now) and 3 packages of CoffeeCrisps (2 pkgs for L. and one for me!), 2 boxes of AuCaramels (1 for L. and 1 for Rachel)… they were MUCH cheaper than at the market. Viv got some things as well, and even got a little throw rug… free, because the scanned price was MORE than the label price and that’s the law in Quebec. So that was a nice twist. – Over to St.Hubert chicken for a lunch… chicken and chips…. It’s been YEARS since I had their chicken… last time was when Viv lived in Vimont… MANY years ago. But I was rather disappointed. This chicken was almost rubbery, AND COSTLY! Almost 30$ for the two of us! TABARNAK! Still… it was, for me, hot food and it was, all told, good… Of course, it could have much to do with the “company”. But.. – We stopped back at Canadian Tire where I got that hand creme that this house raves about. 8$! But I now have a CanadianTire card (points and such, woopdiedoo). The little sales fellow tried to hornswaggle me into applying for a credit card! Too funny, that. But, I dodged it and went about the browsing. – The hours passed SO SO quickly! It was almost 14.00 by the time we left Cowansville… the day still clear, but quite COLD. – Back in Bedford, Viv and I chatted for moments, I gave her the sherpas, she gave me a bag with 200 tea-lights and a scissors that belonged to Mina! (She was funny when we did the exchange of bags, sherpas and tea-lights… as if it were some under-cover exchange in the parking lot.) – Well then, she headed back to MTL, I went into Metro to get more “Bistros” for my lunches and to have something to “declare” on the cross-back at the border. – I took the Dutch all the way back this evening. I haven’t done that but once since biking it. And this evening, it was rather melancholic, driving along… leaving HOME… listening to the music on the iPod and looking at the snow and the sun-set and such. I’m always thinking: having this car is so temporary… and expecting it to be pulled from me at any moment. I expect that kind of cruelty of Creation… SNAP! Gone! –
But then, the crossing back was a snap… Hi, Bye and on the road. – Back at the house (round about 17.00 I believe) I gave L. the sweets and came to the room. He was thankful. As for the others? Fuckkem! Not speaking to me. I don’t give a shit… they’re not worth it, in my opinion and esteem. – I came to the COLD room, un-packed things and such, put on a tea and settled. Sent a “MERCI” Skype to Viv and got ready to close this day. – By about 20.30… it’s all “Lights-Out”! – There’s ANOTHER snow coming tonight and tomorrow! BUT… TODAY WAS SUPER STUPENDOUS! … First day of the month… SUPER STUPENDOUS!
Mon.2.Feb: 8.34
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Tue.3.Feb: 6.26 WHY am I awake? Feeling rather like shit. Not that I didn’t ask for it, after last night. Oh well. It is… what it is… BITTER COLD! And Burtie was out there zipping about on his toy already this morning. This town is making me sick. And thoughts are now of New York. Time… – Minus 25° out there this morning, with a “high” of minus 4 for the day. HEAT-WAVE! Nope… that’s for tomorrow… today is minus 11. Oh well… – 21.21 In bed at last! Tired! And Viv wanted to chat tonight. I was ready to get into bed and to sleep at 20.00. Oh well. – But now my stomach is wrenching a bit. I don’t know why, other than the annoyance of today. – The C. kept phoning with all sorts of things that needed to be done in the office and I got there today in the mind-set that I’m not doing anything more there. Then came the schedule… I’m there next week, even in spite of being told that I had to go next week. Ah… but there’s a mail count this month and “I don’t have the time to train you on the POS and do the count so you’ll be there until at least the beginning of March.” This changing from moment-to-moment is getting to me. – The roads to and from the office today were nothing but pure packed snow. This too, is pissing me off. – There’s more snow in the forecast and on the week-end as well. The party is to be on Saturday and I want to be away from here. I was looking at The Crossings and such… even for just Saturday and Saturday night. I’ll have to look into it more and hope. – I was thinking of going to MTL but I don’t know that the car will take the trip all at once and I don’t dare to take main highways with it. Ill have to check and see if I can’t take some “back roads” and maybe… – Other than that, it was a typical day at work… no support, no help but a lot of demands. – I brought some tubs and sacks and a few trays with me tonight… and re-packed, as it were. Put MOST of the packed boxes into sacks. Move-out will be swift. Now… to find a job with a steady income and a place to go to. I’m thinking NY again. There’s nothing in the PO over there. So I’ll just have to wing it. Being 60 doesn’t make matters any easier. – Oh, I checked my “Retirement” account this morning. There’s 122 in it! Woohoo! Eh? They took 50-something, matched and such and brought it up to 122. Next week it should be 200-something I imagine. I “divested” this morning too. I HOPE I’ve made a good choice. If not? I can change it back to strictly the gov. funds. But hopefully I won’t have to and THIS time it will increase better. But, all things being MY life… I doubt it. – Time to have my tea, hope it settles my stomach and tonight will be a restful sleep. I’m so tired all the time of late… anxieties and such. – I need to get out of this place… QUICKLY!
Wed.4.Feb: 6.24 Awake. Why? I don’t really know. I woke before the alarm, laid in bed, dozing, until the alarm sounded. Awake. I think I went to sleep at about 22.00 last night. Not bad. – Looked out the window.. the Saab is gone this morning. Hmmm….. – Oh… and last night I learned that Viv might be out of work for another few weeks. I MUST figure a way to get to MTL! To think: I could leave here on Saturday after work and not have to be back until 12.30 on Monday. If only I knew that the car would survive. “The closer you get, the farther away you are.” – Oh well… time to start the day… before nap time. – I wish I could look forward to going to work like I used to. This morning the first thought was about the supplies. I woke angry. Nice way to start the day. – Job search time… and house too.. NY. – (Thu.1.15) Got out of work this evening and headed right net door to the market… two “Twisted Teas” when I got in!!! Listened to “Pachelbelly Huma Huma” for most of the evening as I retorted on fesses-book. I was SO ready to get to sleep by 20.00 but some-how got into chat with L. and that went into the news which I watched and then part of the Tonight Show and… well… here I am… LATE! – The whole job is getting to me. I have to change the combinations on 11 PO Boxes! E-mails with all sorts of dead-lines came in today … I’m ignoring them. THEN the C. rings to ask after today’s notification that… for the THIRD FUCKING TIME, Green Mountain Courier sent my fucking order back! SO the C. ordered the toner so I can send it to Stowe… only after asking me if I was certain he wanted it… the fucking audacity of the bitch! and sent me 3 rolls of paper towels! I am officially on FUKKALL. I’ll do all I can to help my customers but from now on, there’s no doing the extra for the fucking office. Period. Done. Finished. Let the arse-heads fire the fuck out of me. I don’t give a shit! – My deposit of Saturday is on HOLD at CIBC! I’m miffed. Sent them a message… no reply as yet. – BUT there’s more snow falling tonight… a HELL of a LOT MORE! just as the roads were beginning to clear from the last one. AND… I learned that Pennyfuckingshit and spouse will NOT be here on Saturday because of the weather! So maybe I WILL get away with hiding away in the room… I can only hope.
Thu.5.Feb: 1.24I should be exhausted… I’m in over-drive now. The snow is still falling. We must have at least 10-12cm of new snow out there. Oh fucking joy. – I just calced this past pay-cheque… It came to 14,19/hr… each hour they took 4,94. 3,87hr’s of salary! So… if that”s how it’s to be… I’m taking that time back during the day.. shut-down. – Great shit to deal with before trying for sleep. Fucking delight. – Almost 1.30… time to try for sleep… I’m hungry… so it truly IS time for sleep! – 8.59 and….. 26° IN HERE! 26…. TWENT-SIX! I don’t know WHAT happened over-night but… TWENTY-SIX DEGREES? Well SHIT! It’s SUMMER in this room! And me? I had the alarm set for about 9.00 and woke before the alarm. Feeling like I could stay in the bed, because of the heat. But other-wise… nah… the “fun”, the looking forward to going into the office is gone. Oh well. – Last night (this morning), it was rather a mistake, calc’ing the income. Depressing, that shit. Taxes and such. And nothing to show for it. And it’s not as if I’ve been “living high”. I wonder where the actual fuck it all went to. But.. it’s not here and there’s no sense in worrying over it. It’s not for the long-term anyway. It’s all about to be slashed right the fuck out of me soon anyway. And, thus far, there’s nothing I can do to prevent it. – On with the day. –
22.42 Made it to work today. Of course. The main roads were clear. The Sheldon roads were a mess, packed snow and ice. But… that’s what it is and I really can’t and won’t whine about it. – 2 of the 11 boxes have new combinations and there wasn’t even one call from the C. today! But I got my toner and paper towels and exchanged the nicest e-mails with Staples. *I* settled that all… alone. So all is quite well there. And I was out of the office before 16.50. – I used the remaining day-light at took the Subaru over for a “Wash’n’Spin”. 10$ in quarters, not such a great job because the wash-thing was too cold to take the quarters. AND… it just about coated the poor car in ice again. But, at least the major crud is off. And the drive along the 105 was good… the constant travel at about 80km/h I’m sure, helps to get things moving in the poor car. But today was Thursday and I never got the car in for a look-over. I do NOT want to be in this house come Saturday, but I have no idea where to go to! And the weather is supposed to be “snow” through the coming week… MTL is OUT of the question, it would seem. Oh well… time to plot a “Plan B” – When I got to the house, stopped next door for another 2 “Twisted Tea”. When I got into the house, L. was alone. Bobo and Jester were out… “Bob’s getting groshries for the part on Saturday.” (They’d been gone some 3 hours or so and all I could think was: “Bob’s getting a blow-job and you’re a damned fool.” But I said nothing of the kind.) It might have been a good time to “chat” but frankly, I’m not in the mood. “It’s not necessary to repeat the mass twice for the deaf.”… Not my monkeys, not my circus. – So I came up to the room for crisps and “tea” and hope to get to sleep early… especially before the other 2 returned. I was damned determined that I would NOT be hornswaggled into “helping” haul the “groshries”. I don’t partake, I don’t haul. – At one point, when I’d gone for a smoke, the pellet stove went out. L. said it was probably because of the flue. It was out of pellets. Ca ce peut tu? Had I not been there at that moment, there’d have been no heat in the house! So I went out, got 2 bags, re-filled the stove and came back up to the room. – Went on-line for a bit. Soc.med., checked my FS (185 for the month… BFD), checked the rates at the St.Allbeans motels. Learnt that the place Pennyfuckingshithead and hubby stay at is130$/night! Must be nice to be able to think of that as “reasonable”. Not to mention… paying that kind of money to stay in St-Albans! Oh well… scratch that idea for an escape on the week-end. – EVER SO TIRED tonight, again. Mostly because of the depression at work and knowing that my income is about to be knocked down to almost nothing which means I’m stuck here for another while. There’s nothing available for work in NY. I’m just bum-fucked all round. – OH… but I DO have to mention the fellow in 4… Paradee… the Anglicism of Paradise. And indeed, he is. As I thought this evening, whilst driving back from the car wash: If you weren’t so young and I not so old… He came to the window to ask about his box rent and we chatted and laughed and such. A delight to the eye and such. Ah… true… were I not so old and he not so young… Oh well… and… alas. – Time to get to sleep here, let the “tea” do as intended. – BITTER COLD again tonight. The other two returned a little while ago. There was no request for assistance and the house is relatively quiet. – Saturday… I have to think of what to do… I do NOT want to be here, in this house! But that’s almost a guarantee that I WILL be tortured, stuck here. – The fatigue… the depression… the day is done.
Fri.6.Feb: 7.54 Awake, it’s gone bitter again. Bobo’s in the parlour. And I do not look forward to going to work. again. Reports. Lock changes. Just being there, in an office that I enjoy, at a job that I enjoy… only knowing that it’s to be taken away. I did think of something this morning already though: I wonder if the C. doesn’t want me in that office because she knows that I know how much “wrong” she pulls… especially with all the delegating to Rachel, and knowing that I won’t put up with the shit and could very well report her. I know that she knows that I discovered all the “Express” mail that didn’t get delivered on time. And I know that she knows that I know how much shit she pulls. Most likely, she doesn’t want me to “know” any more. Oh well.. I do… and when the time comes… TAH-DAH! And right now? I don’t give a shit. Fire me if you feel you must… but as Liz one put it: I’d create a job for you, give you MANY hours… because as long as you had that, I’d know where you were and what you were doing – People don’t see it that way… and perhaps it’s for the best. – We shall see… as the time moves along. – 18.35 AND… the day is done! So too… ALL 9 of the mail-box combinations!!!! YAY ME! The C. is THRILLED… even to the point where she’s now offered to make EXTRA efforts to keep me in the Sheldon office (I “know” there’s something behind that offer.. something that’s already been done… but she’ll take the credit for… or something along those lines.) She asked me to write down the instructions on how to change the combinations and I simply told her “No.” and I do mean that with my all. No. I’ll leave the little “note” in the safe… but I will NOT “teach” nor will I “help” others. Fukkemall! And that’s my final word on it. – Meanwhile, Bobo and Jester went to BTV this evening to fetch Jester’s brother for the week-end… Oh fuckiejoy! They got back, according to HLS… 30 minutes later than they were expected. OK. The snows have begun here already but I seriously doubt they were all that bad down there. Blow-jobs on the interstate mayhaps? – I have Shabbat lights this evening. Not too sure why, but I felt like it. Tea-lights… but two of them. Indeed. Shabbat Shalom… one can only hope. – I’m rather quite hungry this evening, but there’s nothing much here to eat. I’ll finish the crisps and have done with it… and my tea. Tomorrow is the “early” day so no drinking. – Hopefully the weather will hold long enough for me to get a bottle for me tomorrow… I’m DREADING this party thing… – From as I hear, the invites went to 60, 20 confirmed. And they’re coming from the NEK, the SouthVT and NH. I suppose there’s a change of civility… but I’m doubtful. – Oh well… – 21.41 I’ve done the soc.med, had a peanut-butter on roll and a Ramen. Hunger.. – Just up from the last smoke of the day to find the 3 of them (brother included), standing on the back porch, toking and choking. Fuktardz. “I don’t like the smell of cigarettes!” and “There’s no smoking in the house!” but they stand there, choking like pigs, on what’s still considered quite illegal. Ah… hypocrisy at it’s very best. And me? I’m going into “Shelter” thoughts… thinking of having to get up in the morning to go to work to pay taxes (at 5$/hr) that go to support these shits. AND… paying 500$/month for this bullshit when, in the Shelter, I really couldn’t bitch (although I did) because, well… the “necessities” were quite with-out charge. But here? I have to get the number on that sign at that place in Sheldon. The sign for “apartment” is still up. If only I could be guaranteed that I’ll have the income. Well… tomorrow, should the roads permit… I’ll get the number and give a call. I’ve got nothing to lose by asking. – Meanwhile, they’ve returned from the porch and are chatting away. Hopefully Bobo will put a leash on them and the “sound” will subside… soon. This does NOT bode well. Trash… Of course, the “apartment” is in a “motel” of sorts, meaning adjoining paper walls. And there are pick-ups parked out front, meaning potential “soirées”. I will NOT go back to the North Star nights… especially here, where there are no police to monitor such happenings… as is obvious in this house. (Although.. there are the rumours that little Jester likes to spread about and maybe that’ll put a limit on the disturbances. Though, with the BTV trash in the house, I’d rather doubt it.) – As I hear it, when arriving on the porch, the medics told HLS NOT to smoke the shit because they don’t know how it will react with the current medications. Well… should it lead to a night run to the ER… alas, as it is. No sympathy here… especially if it cuts into my sleep. – Admittedly, it’s my “Shelter” mind-set… that “anticipatory anxiety” that sets in. Hopefully I’m wrong (though I doubt that I am).
Sat.7.Feb: 4.52 I woke, before the 5.00 alarm. I woke, earlier this morning, in a sweat so strong that I took off the sweat shirt. And I discovered that I now have a ganglion under the left arm. How charming. Piles and ganglions. I am OLD. – I was wrong about last night. By about 22.30 they all went to bed and the house? Well.. I fell asleep rather quickly and slept through the night. So… that was a delight for this morning. Yes, I could use a bit more sleep. But I’m not “exhausted”. Tired, but not exhausted. And I’ve had my coffee and my smoke. So it’s not too bad. Now, the next “adventure” will be getting the loo on time… there are 4 of us in the house now. This too, we shall see. – And this morning’s thought with smoke: There was a time when “The sun never set on the British Empire.” and we were taught that that was a “bad” thing… for Britain to “own” other countries. And this morning I think: The US is doing the same thing. But that’s not surprising. This “country” was “settled” by those very same people, with those very same notions. 238 years later… nothing much has changed. Nice thoughts… this early in the morning. – The snow stopped during the night. There’s a dusting on the road. May it stay that way… at least until I get to work… “to work”… I’m still not looking forward to it. There’s still quite the chance that I’ll be bumped out of it and the income. – And I’m nervous about thinking of that “motel”. Working class people with pick-ups who probably work all week and “kick back” on Friday nights… like this place… (with the exception of working). And “Nicole” in the North Star… and many nights like that. If I could afford it… I’d go back to Richford. And HOW I do SO wish I could do just that. HOW I wish I could. – Well… today is “the party”. I wonder how many will show… considering the weather. I wonder “what” will attend. And I wish I could have simply gotten into the car after work and headed HOME. But… again… we shall see what’s to come… after it’s passed. – 7.04 Well… I was partialy correct. I’m just up from a smoke, Bob’s in the kitchen. The loo is closed. There’s to be a battle for showering this morning. Bobo moved the cars from the front of the house, thinking that when the local idiots come by with their toys to plow, they MIGHT clear in front of the house. I was so expecting to be asked to move the Subaru… but perhaps there was SOME “thought” to the fact that I’ll be out of here soon… Although, we won’t give thought to the fact that I have to go to “work”… to pay the taxes that support these slouches. I am.. annoyed… first thing in the morning. Oh.. back in the “Shelter”… where there are those who lounge at the expense of those who do not. – I’d posted something to that effect on the fesses-book last night and to my amazement, there were THREE “likes” on it. So… I am NOT alone in this. Nice to know… I suppose. Still… I am NOT looking forward to haivng to spend a day, un-showered, and brushing my teeth in the room here. Oh… to be away from this shit… AWAY! – 21.06 Suddenly, I cant get the COLD out of my body!!! It’s INSIDE! I just came up from a smoke and the cold went right INTO me. Strange! And it’s 20° in the room! COLD! – Earlier I noticed my nose is bleeding a bit. I wonder… But, I don’t really care about that. I am quite concerned about the cold IN the bones though. – Anyway… this evening… I’d gone to “nap” at about 13.30, set the alarm for 15.00 and when I turned it off, went right back to sleep Bobo came to the door twice, pounding. I feigned sleep both times. BUT… at 17.00 he came in, stood beside the bed and STROKED MY FACE to wake me!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? “Come down and meet our friends.” Yeah, right, sure. I woke and got up, washed my face and went down. The “group” was more my age with one fellow whom I learned is 42… the youngest. Jester was passed-out cold sitting at table. I went for a smoke and came in to be “sociable”, chatted a bit. Come to find out, this “Mike” who’s been by a few times lives in Richford, so we talked about that for a while, talked about border crossings and such. I had a bit of some cheese dip. And then came the customary: “Please have something to eat. We have more than plenty.” and they did. The table was LOADED as was the stove-top.. and as soon as the statement was made… CLEAN-UP commenced. Not that I mind. As I said to Viv in my last message: the very thought of partaking of any food with them actually destroys my appetite, makes me physically quite ill. – When the folks departed, I came up to have one of my noodle-cups from Metro with a roll, and a Mae West and tea. – My stomach is “off” tonight, gas and cramps. And I’m sorry I didn’t go to Wetherby’s after work… or Metro… vodka or 50’s. – I’m tired now. Hopefully I’ll be able to get to sleep tonight. Tomorrow is supposed to be MUCH more snow here… not too much to the North. – But, all said… I made it through the day. – Work was calm… no annoyance calls from the C. Diana rang at the last minute for help with the e1412… there was nobody else to help her. Somehow I’m not the centre of combination changes and e1412. How funny is that? I helped her. She thanked me repeatedly. Yes, I’ll “help” when I can and am in the mood. Other-wise? I’m being shoved out of a place I like and where I am liked. Even one of my customers complimented me: Since you’ve been here, I’ve not gotten one piece of mail that isn’t mine. I was almost in tears when I thanked her. But… if I’m to be shoved out of that office and the hours and income… fuck the lot of them. I learn… and I keep my learning to myself. And I take it with me. – Oh… and by the time I was ready to shower this morning, the loo was free. I showered, dressed and got the hell out! THAT was quite a relief! – And now? With music of the 70’s on the iPod… it’s time to try to get back to sleep. If for no other reason, just to dodge the remainder of this day/night. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get my 50’s, some smokes, a trip HOME. That would be nice… alone.
Sun.8.Feb: 8.09 I was in bed, lights out, by 22.30 last night, baroque music playing from the iPod… I woke at 7.27 this morning, dozed until 7.47 and am now just up from a smoke. I have to say that that was quite a night of sleep, indeed. 9 hours and a bit more. And with-out any sort of drink or pill. Saturday night. Wow… to think that there were those years when my Saturday was house-work all day, then a nice dinner, a nap, shower and out to the bar. House-work… washing floors and such. A clean house. A delightful “living” environment. And today? Office work in the morning followed by a nap (of several hours), some “pour on hot water” meal, and back to sleep. Yes… I am… OLD. – But, I can take enjoyment in knowing (and seeing this morning) that I’m not ill from the night before. AND… this morning, in the very light flurries and the cold, the temperature in this room is about 21° and I’m not in pain from the cold. We exchange… one for the other. And this isn’t so bad after all. – What to do with this day? Well. I’ll have to move the car eventually. Perhaps take the empty cans to the market. Or not… we shall see. As I say, there are light flurries. The plow has passed several times in the past hour or so. Not that there’s much on the road. But we shall see… I don’t regret that I don’t have a car that I can simply jump into and head out. I have a car to keep me warm and dry to get to work. I am OK. – I see, on the soc.med., some guy in Detroit whose story of walking to work got him donations in the thousands!!! I see media coverage of another one who needs money for cancer surgery. I see from the media… my dilemma meant precious nothing, save the two who came to my rescue. “Only as much as you need and no more”. And even then, most often… not even that. It puts one into place in the Greater All. “Karma”… often, I wonder. – Well… another day. Let’s see where it will close. Tomorrow… work. The “travel” expense was approved. There will be more income this week. It will go into the car… and the Canadian economy. (Hopefully the exchange on that will be favourable.) – 9.03 I was going through the Tilden photos that I have, from back to 2011 and it’s become painful. And now I want to nap. And the hate wells up… the photos, the binders… gone… GONE!!! And it’s painful. And now I want to nap. – 21.35 In bed… It was a day of nothing… really… nothing. Just in the room, browsing on the Internet mostly. – It snowed… SNOWED ALL DAY… ALL DAY!!! The weather report says it’s going to SNOW UNTIL TUESDAY! Wednesday should be clear and then… MORE SNOW! February… THE month. And indeed it is. – Bobo took Fred back to BTV today. I’m sure it’s much to L.’s delight. But the weather wasn’t exactly good for such a thing. But it’s done. – Viv had been on Skype only minutes before I’d gotten there and then she disappeared to go to dinner at George’s. Oh well. – Dinner tonight was Ramen and many Vachon cakes. Not healthy. And I’ve nothing for the rest of the week for hot food save, more Ramen. There was NO way to get to any market today. A tough week to come, I’m sure. – And now, as I lay me down to sleep… the snow is STILL falling… lightly, but steadily. I’ve have my tea and there’s 8 tea-lights in the pot warmer. For some reason, I can’t get the “chill” out of my body and the thermo reads 23°! I wonder. But when I went down for my last smoke, the rest of the house is much chillier, and Bobo and L. are in shorts and t-shirts. Hmmm… it must be me. But I will NOT be chilled, nor will I be cold. I will NOT! – So now… a quick browse in the “wants” and flats and to sleep. Lavage in the morning… I hope.
Mon.9.Feb: 6.34 A most strange night. By 22.30 I was in bed, and had fallen asleep. Suddenly, I woke, refreshed and ready to take on the day. But I opened my eyes and noticed that the pot-heater was still a-light, and that was due to burn out at about mid-night. I didn’t check the clock, but from the candles, I could tell that I’d been asleep for only about an hour or so. I turned on the other side, and went back to sleep. Imagine… an hour’s sleep and I was refreshed. – Then, during the night, a DREAM:
I was in “my” room, this room but not in this house. I was still at ‘home’. I was angry with some-one or something, and instead of peeing in a bottle, as I do these days, I opened the closet and peed on the floor. Moments later, Mum came roaring into the room, yelling that she was going to go through everything! The closet was neatly packed, as it is these days, but she kept yelling at me, in a rage “What the HELL are you doing? THIS is no good! We’re going to go through EVERYTHING in here! You’re up to something and I don’t like it! This is no good!” I stood there, worried that the peeing on the floor had some-how been noticed and I said to her, rather pissed-off (as it were) “I have to get ready for work! I don’t have time for this shit. There’s nothing ‘going on’. Everything is as it’s always been, packed neatly. What the HELL is wrong with YOU?” But she insisted that things be un-packed and that everything be put out and sorted through. – I semi-woke from this and immediately went back to sleep.
And so, this is how the night went. – This morning, I was awake before the 6.00 alarm, and when it sounded, my thought was “Finally, time to wake up. That’s better. NOW it’s 6.00.” – I’ve had my coffee and smoke. I want to make a wash. I’d like to get the bed-linens done as well but I’ll be happy if I can simply get my work clothes done this morning. – The snow isn’t as deep nor as bad as I’d expected this morning. The plow must have kept-up with it some-how because there’s patches of road out front. And Bobo’s car is gone so he made it out this morning. Still, I rather dread the Kane and Sheldon roads. They never seem to be cleared… but then again, they border “farm land” and we all know… “Y’don’t fuck with the farmers in this state.” No, better to slide off the road and into the corn-fields than to make it to work, pay taxes that support those damned “farmers”. – Alas… just another day. – Before sleep last night, I checked the flats listings. There are some in Champlain and Chazy. Cute, but I’m not thrilled about them. In houses… flats, yes, but in houses where there’s no telling who or what will be in there as well. If only the border would be open earlier, I’d look into that little house in St-Armand… maybe one of these days… And it’s a matter of income as well. All of this “un-known” and “un-knowable”. It’s bringing me down. – This week’s income should be relatively good. Travel and salary. And it’s a 150$ week. There’s work to be done on the car and deposits to the account to be made. The weather’s supposed to be miserable, so getting my money is going to be tough. But… at least I AM working and have an income at all… and I can’t help but think: UN-like others in this place who benefit because I work. – A delightful start to a new day, and a new week. –
23.14 Today, when I left for work, I went to clean the snow off the car and noticed the scratches in the bumper… front, 
driver’s side… the plow. ***** THE FUCKING SHIT IN THIS TOWN HAS BEEN PLOWING INTO MY CAR!!! I can’t say which retarded in-breed did it, since Burtie and Curtis do the plowing, but I know it’s one or the other and I’m WAY beyond miffed at this point. FUCK THIS TOWN! FUCK IT ALL AND FUCK THEM ALL!!! I SO fucking hate this place! Ignorant abortions. But I took the opportunity to “spread the news” about the car, at work. This place wants to be nasty? Well… I too, can be nasty. And indeed, I shall be from this point forward. When I mentioned it to the Town Clerk at work, it was suggested that I tell the town clerk in Fuklin. As if that’s going to make things better. They all stick together here… when it’s against somebody else. – At the office today, I “repaired” the 4 “broken” PO Boxes AND I got THANKED for lubing the locks (78)! When I had to ring Rachel for something I can’t even recall at this moment, I told her about the repairs. Ah hah… I wonder if this news will get around the Rumour mill. Not that I expect it to do ME any good. But, when I leave, that office will be a delight… or not. – The new “schedule” arrived today and I’ve got another week at the Crique. Very nice, but I look at it now and all I can think of is that I’m one week closer to having to leave and it brings me down. – After work, I took a drive over to the Dollar General in Enosburg Falls. Got some steel wool pads to clean the box fronts and some silk “bush”, as it’s called on the receipt. Some “flowers” to brighten the place up a bit. Then off to Hannaford’s for something to eat for the next few days. Crap, mostly. But something hot. – As I drove tonight, the fatigue was so heavy that my eyes actually burned. Fatigue and depression and the likes. This is getting to me. – Took the Swamp Rd. back, casually, calmly. At one point, the phone: Bobo. Why? (When I got back to the house he said it was because they were “concerned”. Oh please!) – Stopped at the market next door for 2 more Twisted Teas. Deb commented on my purchasing it and I simply said “I live in Franklin.” “So you have to be like the rest of them?” was her reply. I will NEVER “be like the rest of them” here. Fucking nasty shits, the lot of them. But it helps me to sleep at night… sort of. – Back at the house, I mentioned that they might want to check their cars and told them of the plow scratches. L. tells that they keyed his previous car as it was parked out in front of the house. This is one fucking UGLY town here! MUST get the actual fuck out! SOON! – Up in the room, put the groceries up, took Dixie and Ellie out for a pee and came back in. – Popped a brief to Viv on the Skype. – When I got to the fesses-book, the woman “Eadie”, from CB7 in The Bronx had sent me a message. We actually got to chatting. Apparently we’re the same age and she’s originally from Australia. She was most complimentary and says she bought a copy of “Bititer-Sweet Bitterness”. Well… there goes another one. But you know? It’s as was said originally: Edit, don’t censor. Still, one never knows… it might be appreciated. At this point I don’t much care about the “appreciated” bit… Even as Aziz said: It NEEDED to be published, and so it was/is. – Before going to sleep tonight, I re-posted the “Fucktardia 05457” image with a note about the self-hate and the hate for others in this town. Let THAT start getting around! I’ve have more of this shit-hole than I can stand now and if isolation is what they want, isolation is what they’ll get. Next? Perhaps the truth about the lake.. their big “attraction”… I speak with no-one here, I speak OF no-one here and yet they go out of their way to pick at me? My turn. I’m picking back… and with everything I’ve got… including the venue of international social media. DOWN… let them sink into their manure pit. – Tired now… and all I can do is HOPE for some sleep tonight and not wake again 45 minutes after falling asleep.
Tue.10.Feb: 7.59 I woke before the alarm again, this morning. Got right into getting things together for work. Made an image of my “Meal Ticket: from the Shelter too… and used it as my image on the fesses-book page I’ve had 2 smokes and a coffee and am ready for a nap. – The morning is grey but there’s no snow and I’m thankful for that. Hopefully this evening (or even this morning) I’ll get around to bringing the deposit bottles and cans to the market. There’s a couple of dollars in that bag full. – Feeling quite angry again this morning, because of the car and the lost storage. But I suppose that’s to be every day, at some point. Annoyed at the out-pouring of aid to others and when I’ve needed… the sparse responses. But that? That’s the way it is. – On with this day… and a nap. – 10.30 The nap was supposed to be until 9.00… it went until 10.00. I don’t want to be awake here. Depression… it’s setting-in. And I’m nauseated. Depression…. it’s setting-in. – 23.10 Got out of work on time. Arrived at the house in day-light and this evening, Managed to make it all the way up to the room with-out being detected. No dogs barking at me, no chitty-chat. L. was in the parlour. I don’t know where Jester was. Bobo was already in bed… – I tried to pay the phone this evening with the CIBC card and got SUCH a run-around with all the “Customer (dis)Service” bullshit… being transferred from one to another to another to another. It was fucking annoying! No, I didn’t pay the phone tonight so tomorrow I have to drive into St.Allbeans to do so! I am NOT happy. I got onto Twtr and posted my annoyance only to get an almost immediate response. Imagine that! They must pay people to simply sit about watching for this sort of thing. I wonder who, where they are and how much they get paid for such nonsense. Well… as I posted: I’ll be in the store in the morning and I will not be “happy”. Oh well.. Not exactly the best way to wrap up the day. – BUT, as for the day? The C. phones me to tell me that there are TWO people vying for the Sheldon office and that *I* am on the roster for hire for the spot! WOAH! E-mails go flying round and round. SHE’S trying to “help” me with this! Then she suggests that *I* send my own comments to HR! I did… Next thing I know: IT IS POSSIBLE for me to apply… APPLY! NOT simply be restored… but to “apply”. I have to be “interviewed”! BUT… the interview is being conducted by DAN! (Am I ever thankful that I stopped by to thank him not so long ago, for the initial interview… Of course, this being the Postal Service, this might be held against me, but… HEY! I’ve got ethics… And of course THAT’S NOT exactly a “good thing” these days. Still…) So there IS a chance I can keep my job where I like and where I am liked! No more retirement and such, but that’s not important to me at this juncture. Income is needed more than anything else. So.. just as I’m closing this day, today I get to finish my entry here with…. THIS was in my e-mail just now as I checked:
*****
This letter is in reference to your application for job posting PSE SALES & SVCS/DISTRIBUTION ASSOCIATE – SHELDON VT NC80796579.
As further consideration in the selection process, the selection official would like to schedule an interview with you. You have been scheduled to meet with Dan Richard on February 20, 2015 at 11 am at the St Albans Post Office, 153 North Main Street.
If for any reason you need to change the time and/or date scheduled for this appointment or you are no longer interested in the position, please contact Dan at 802-524-6518 as soon as possible.
*****
Wed.11.Feb: 6.26 HEAD-ACHE! How odd. No “Twisted Tea” last night. Just peppermint tea. Went to bed at … OH… 23.30, not 22.00 last night. But I went right to sleep as I recall. Still; why the head-ache this morning? Because of the annoyance with ATT? Perhaps. Oh well. Good news though… they didn’t take the cash balance off my phone so that’s still there. I can’t make any calls, but at least my cash is still on the phone. – I can’t imagine why I feel that I have to be awake at this hour though. Yes, I should take the garbage out of the “garage” and bring it to the road. But it’s too friggin COLD out there this morning. But the CU doesn’t open until 8.00 and I don’t have to be at work until noon… there’s time to continue with sleep… but now that I’ve had coffee and smoke… it hardly seems worth it. – Enh… focus on the GOOD NEWS… I’m going in to interview for the office! Focus on THAT! (and hope the car continues to roll) –
Noting at 21.36 I left the house this morning at about 11.00 and headed out for the CU to fetch the little bit of money that had been put into there… before somebody or something else got a hold of it. It’s become more a “political” issue these days. The CU that can’t accommodate me by giving me better access to my income via a small plastic card will have access to that money, to “loan’ to other people, whom they will charge interest considerably higher than the interest they pay me for providing them with the opportunity to rape somebody else. And with that thought in mind, off and down the sun-lit roads. – There was hoar-frost on the trees when I got over the Rice Hill and headed toward the river. It was beautiful, I have to admit. And the car? Well… a bit of ticking, but that’s what it does until the poor thing warms up. – Made it to the CU, pulled my 250 and stopped into the Walmarde for 2 little plastic boxes to store the wires and such for the music and the phone and the iPod. At last. Not exactly what I’d hoped to find, but these days, what’s available to us is so limited… there’s only Walmarde. We’re all being herded into corrals of necessities, funnelled into an ever-limited supplier of “needs”. Not much choice. As Viv says: “Watcha gonna do?” – Next stop… THE purpose of the drive… AT&T to dump MORE money and more support into the mouths and gullets of a corporation that doesn’t give a shit about “people” but upon whom “people” depend. Now, these days, I need to have the communications open… there’s a job at stake here… income and a release from this manure-pit called “Fuklin”. So… I simply walked in, all but ignoring the pastey smiles on the sales gits, went directly to the kiosk. Tap tap… shove in the cash, grab the receipt and OUT the door, into the car and over to the Hannaford’s to get rid of a bag of empty soda cans and bottles… some from the barn… from last and the Summer before! – Funny… there were 2 bottles from HOME in the bag of 45 (ca ce peut tu? 45 cans and bottles?) and the machine quietly rejected them: “We do not sell that brand.” Oh yes you do… you just don’t want the “foreign” bottles… shit-heads. Oh well… now you can deal with the fact that I’ve put the “foreign” matter into the garbage and it will become part of your land-fill. Tough shit for you… “America”. But, 2,15$ later on the little slip of paper the machine spat at me, I went into the store, got 2 containers of Fage (2fucking% instead of the “whole” product) AND a loaf of raisin bread! The bottles went toward FOOD! AND… I was out the door and back on the road to work… a tad tardy… just a tad… and pissed! Had I NOT had to go to AT&T I would have been at work already! Welll…… – THE KICKER***** I get to the office and there’s a car parked out front that I didn’t recognise. But I didn’t mind until… I open the door to the lobby and there’s a woman standing there looking at the bulletin board… THE C.!!! I’m LATE and SHE’S THERE! SUNNUVABITCH! AND… she’s there to count the drawer! Well, at least that’s no trouble… I’d just done and balanced on the 5th. So we both get into the office, I start the mail and such as she’s prepping for the count and we get into it all… It took until just past 15.00 to get the count done AND, according to HER paper-work and calculations… I was 72-cents SHORT! NOTE: ACCORDING TO MY PAPER-WORK… I’M EXACT… ON THE PENNY! BUT I signed off on the 72 cents mostly because, well, I had no time for all this shit. I had ONE HOUR to do the WHOLE day’s work! Nice news though: the compliments came in. Nr.36 told The C. that they’re thrilled to have me in the office. And the customers where all happy and greeted me kindly and nicely. So she SAW how well things are going there AND how organised. Not that that makes any difference when it comes to getting the office… but it’s nice to know that somebody knows… Fuck me or not. – Ah HAH… I DID manage to catch up with ALL of the day’s work in the last hour or so… AND eat AND got out on time! DAMN! SO GOOD! – I got into the car and immediately headed to Enosburgh… A BOTTLE OF VODKA TO CELEBRATE (and to help me get to sleep early tonight.. I’d hoped). Zippy-zippie. And I took the Noble Hill/Swamp Rd. route back to the house… calmly, and signing. – When I got into the house, the reception when I fulfilled my “social obligations” of salutations was typically cool. Enh… fuck these faggots. Miserable little lot of uselessness. – I came directly to the cold room, washed my mug, filled the water bottles and poured me my drink! (I have to get more tonic now, but that’s fine… Gotta go HOME anyway this week.) Jammies went on immediately, in the hopes that the one drink would be sufficient to knock me out (obviously it wasn’t). Got onto the soc.med. and slammed AT&T for making me LATE for work. Did a bit of soc.med. shit and then checked into the Skype… VIV was ON! So we chatted. – NEWS: George has been diagnosed with malignant tumours on his voice-box! It reminded me of Opa! Him too… but that was what? Almost some 60 years ago! Times and treatments and such have changed so much in all that time! I tried to be supportive and helpful and informative. I don’t know that it did any good but… We chatted about that. We chatted about work. I asked her if she was working on Monday coming. She’s still out on “sick leave”. She resents being classified with having “mental illness” and yet… MONTHS of “sick leave”? How wonderful it must be… she’s on “sick leave” and receiving income… and here, there are 2 fat-arsed fags on “disability” and receiving income… and me? Bicycling through rain, walking through snow and ice and receiving income that’s taxed to support the likes of… and THEY BITCH (in this house) that their income isn’t enough to “live on”! HOLY SHIT! Just HOLY SHIT! Oh well… I brush it off.. I have to, else I’ll let lose with a tirade of destruction and devastation. – The Skype chat was done by about 21.15. – Rasin bread and butter… RASIN BREAD AND BUTTER! WOOHOO! A TREAT FOR ME! – 21.59 Just up from last smoke. The v-tons have done the opposite… I’m awake. But as I stood at the back door, looking out onto the snow, in the dark.. the thought… I’ve come back North to die. And… I’m ready.
Thu.12.Feb: 8.09 My eyes opened this morning and I looked out the window to see the snow falling (again). The first thought of the day was “I have to allow a bit more time for getting to work today.” I had my coffee, had my smoke and as I had my smoke, the very next thought was “Some-where out there, there’s a person huddled and crumbled under old blankets and card-boards, being covered by the snow. He’s cold, his arms and legs ache from being constricted, his back is curled and stiff, trying to keep as much of his body under the cover. He’s pulling himself as closely to himself to confine and conserve what little heat the human body is capable of generating on its own. He’s hungry. He’s alone. And he’s being buried under a cold layer of frozen rain. And then my thoughts wandered back to my school days, and a teacher standing in front of a class-room full of little children, spewing propaganda: “You live int he greatest country in the world. People in every other country in the world want to be in this country. You live in the richest and most powerful country on Earth. Other countries envy this country because this is the greatest democracy in the world.” – I want to go back to sleep, to get out of this country… and away from the knowledge that it was lies then, it’s lies now…. to get away from the lies. – Good morning America. How are ya? Say, don’t ya know me? I’m your native son. – 22.59 FINALLY, my pay-stubs are coming to teh Sheldon office! And today’s was rather good… and yet, miserable. From over 900, I got 710. Taxes… I have to cover the fucking lazy bastards and illegals. Honestly, it makes me more than angry when I think of the years of walking, the mornings and nights in the rain on the bike, slipping on the ice on the E.Sheldon Rd. WALKING to E.Fairfield… and yet… SO many people have SO much to say, unfavourable, about me. Oh… one of these days… But then again, one of these days I’ll be dead… it won’t matter to anybody. The way humanity is set-up, one dies and the rest cover, and the bullshit goes on and on and…. – But it was a good day at work. The cleaning has been noticed. One person said “The boxes actually sparkle now!” Again, it makes no major difference and I’m only doing it for the people who’ll follow me there. But, at least nobody can say I’ve been sitting there doing nothing and getting paid. (And again, not that that makes any difference in the long run.. it’s about “ME” and the way *I* feel.. and it makes ME happy to see the improvements. FTW.) – Am on my 2nd “bloody mary” here… made with the “V8” from Hannaford’s (something I’ll never get again… tastes like shit… but the vodka kills some of the nasty flavour). – The house was empty most of the evening. L. had a doctor’s appointment… so I learnt when, at about 21.00, I finally rang Bobo. Imagine… in all of this snow, an appointment with a doctor… and again, something that I haven’t had in YEARS: medical care. Oh well… I’m still plugging along, taking moments of happiness, whilst, I must admit, there are those who are living in their self-created Hell… – So tonight *I* got to feed the dogs! And did I ever! They got as much as they wanted. Poor things. I know… I KNOW how it feels to be hungry all the time and to have somebody else ration Well, for a change, the little ones, all three, go their fill and we were ALL quite happy about that! YAY ME! (Fuck the rest of them.) – Then I was off to bed and a bit of soc-med. – Weather forecast? SNOW SNOW SNOW and then… SNOW! Tomorrow is my RUNNING ABOUT day… but it looks as if I’ll be lucky just to get to the CU to snatch *MY* money before somebody gets to it before me. From the looks of it, I’ll be waiting until Monday to get to HOME and to the banque. But, at least I’ll TRY with my ALL to GET MY money. After that, there’s time. – Right now, I’m quite tired… exhausted really. Depression or what-ever, I’m just tired. had the last smoke of the day, now it’s time to try for sleep and tomorrow? I don’t know… will have to wait and see. But for now: fukkitall. Shit! I’m tired!
Fri.13.Feb: HOME CIBC
Up at about 6.30, feeling like shit. Sunny morning which means… BITTER FREEZING FUCKING COLD! The road out front is plowed down to the packed snow and ice. And there are errands to be run! – 8.01 Running LATE!!!! Or not running at all… COLD! Windows iced. Roads a mess. Friday. – 18.50 EXHAUSTED! – Notes (covered on 14 Feb. at 2.48): Well, well, well… THIS was really rather un-expected this morning. I made it into the CU, and MUCH MORE! – I had no real intention of making the FULL run today when I left the house at about 9.30 or so. It was bitter cold and the roads out of town where packed snow on ice. – I made a stop at the Fuklin office to clean the POB out over there and chat a bit with Lisa about the servers, and the fact that I need to count the drawer over there. It was just before 10.00 when I left there. – But I took my time and headed along… in silence… no music. Got to the CU, chatted a bit with Marlene, pulled all this week’s salary, save the change. Marlene chatted for a while and then suddenly rather “dismissed” me. There wasn’t anybody waiting, but it was curt and done. Hey… I don’t have to like any of them anyway… besides… they’re not my financial institution any longer. I now banque with better and so… fuck the lot of them. – When I got back into the car, it was entirely too early to go to the office and truly, not really the best time to try for the banque, but, I headed along, telling myself that, if the roads were bad, I could simply loop round and go to work… I headed to Morses Line via Highgate and the Gore Rd. – The roads were quite OK. Not “good”, but OK enough. – Fontaine was at the border… “Going to Bedford?” “Indeed, I am.” “Just a minute.” and surely… just a minute and I was HOME! – The Morses Line wasn’t bad… the Maurice was border-line OK and I made my way along. Parked at the Metro and made my dépôt of 500 which today, gave 640 and brought me above the 1000 mark where, had I been able to keep it, would have made the account “charge-free”. But not yet. There was a bit of shopping to be done. Oh well… next time… hopefully. – Out of the banque and to the Metro for lunches and soda and YOGHURT on sale! 2 beers, cheese… enough to cover the “visite” today. AND… away we were! – The cross-back was quite brief as well… but… I was running rather late. Had the roads been better, I would have made in quite on time, but, this being VersMarde… I got into the office about 10 minutes late. Not that it made any difference, of course. The volume was light and the servers are down again so… But here, now, un-like Fuklin, there were no bitching qunts and bastards. I merely got in and got straight to work… With the servers being down though, there’s going to be shit-loads of work to catch-up with one of these days… but you know? That’ll be handled… no trouble. – The day went’ right along as usual. Nothing much that could have been done about the computers, and the mail got delivered. It was rather interesting because some guy came in with 3 large parcels and when Andy came in at 14.30 he took one look and exclaimed “What the fuck are y’doin’ here?” Sweet guy, him. I told him “And this is the office that does no business.” and we smiled. – I got to order another one of those little speakers for about 20$ too! Amazon. Should be delivered Friday next. (Let’s see how this runs… hmm…) This way I won’t have to keep carrying the one I have back and forth. Hey… I can shop on-line! Thanks to HOME… NO thanks to this shit-hole cess-pool full of leeches… a.k.a. the YouAss A. – Time to leave and all was done and well. The drive back was fair, but the PAIN in my lower back, bowels and chest were HORRIFIC! I don’t know WHAT the actual fuck is going on with my body but it’s not happy. – I took my time on the roads, not following nor being followed. I put the radio on low and cruised along. – I HATE parking in front of this place! Never knowing where’s good or not. But I simply parked and came in the back door to see L., staggering and stammering about the fridge, preparing some of the left-over “Shepherds’ Pie”. I said “Hello.” It said “Hello” and walked away. I’m getting the coldest shoulders round here of late. But… they’re getting their money so FUCK OFF! They’re not “friends” and I certainly don’t worry about this bull-shit. Faggots. I sent them my 150 today… CHOKE on it. 650 last month. 500 this month. I’m enough to cancel ALL of the “SSI” and “SSD”… so? They can live with the shit until I can afford to get the fuck out of here… may that be soon… SOON! Please? – I came directly to the room… the BITTER COLD room (14°). Emptied the peebottles and put water on for tea. The PAIN in the back and chest were just terrible. And I noticed: I get a tickle in the throat in this room. Coughing and such. I coughed last night before falling asleep, coughed this morning… but was fine all day. I come back in and the coughing returns. This place… no doubt. Anyway, decided to take 2 Naprosyns with tea, popped a Skype-note to Viv, balanced the accounts. The charge for the iSound speaker was posted already. 23CAD. Still not too bad! Browsed a bit of the soc.med and just could NOT keep awake! – Adrian made the most wonderful comment on my comment under a video I posted… of the drive back to the house in the snow. It was heart-warming. There ARE people who appreciate my trials and tribulations. Not that it means much in the Greater Scheme, but it’s nice to know. – Viv went to bingo and then to George’s today. – The room is COLD, COLD, COLD and for some reason, won’t lose the chill, even with the little heater running along. This does not bode well at all. – I went down for a smoke… at about 19.15 or so. Jester’s already in bed… and chatty. “I tried to bring in three bags of pellets but my fingers got cold so I left them on the recliner on the back porch.” So what the fucking big deal? You sit on your lazy fat arse all fucking day doing nothing, along with your side-kick and you wait until the last part to actually get up and “DO’ anything and then whine about cold fingers? The dogs need to pee and shit and you don’t bother… and, no doubt, the poor creatures won’t be fed tonight… you fucking, nasty, faggot shit. Good kriste they make me ill! – Rolling up the night at about 19.30 here… can barely keep my eyes open… FATIGUE! – BUT ERRANDS GOT DONE AND A GOOD DAY AT WORK!!!
Sat.14.Feb: 2.42 By about 19.30, I’d taken 2 Naprosyns, put on my jammies, crawled under the blankets and put out the lights. I don’t even recall falling asleep. At 2.22 (that wonderful little number) I was awake and, obviously, I’ve decided to stay up. I’ve had my coffee, my Vit.C and a smoke. – It must be bitter cold out there again this morning because the little heater is running along on the floor, over by the window. Oh well… Just another North Country morning, this. – CATCH-UP time with this Journal. I “noted” yesterday… I was that tired. – The pains in the back and chest are better this morning though. Stress… anxieties. Hopefully. That’s all it was. – The miserable part though is that there was that call from a “Collection Agency” yesterday. I wonder what THAT’S about now! Fuckers. And last night, before going to sleep, there was a flashing yellow light through the frost on the window. It was, in fact, somebody plowing the car-lot across the road. It was, to me, the car being towed. Well? Here we go again.. worrying about the car. It’s time to get a gun! I might kill somebody, but hen I can turn the gun on me… BANGUE! All gone. All done. How nice that would be. – 3.19 Caught up with the Journal… and it seems later in the day already… NO troubles… rather nice. I should do this more often… get to sleep early.. get to wake early. But there’s that chill in the room again… and it won’t go away! – 22.48 I think the stress of the day got to me this evening…. am just off Skype with Viv.. It bumped us off video (which was rather interesting to learn that my voice carries right through the fucking door… She went to the dép and I went for a smoke and Jester says… in his room… “Tell Viv I said Hi when she gets back.” Fucktard! I truly need to get the fuck out of here!) But… when Skype bumped us off the video, we switched to message and it turned to TTY with the “GA” and OH! How I laughed… truly LAUGHED! To the point where it was painful! But wonderful. I haven’t laughed like that in the longest while. (The 2 v-tons might have helped a bit… but truly, it was hysterical!) GA became GAGA and that became GAGAGA and it just rolled! And she’s the only person I know who knows what that was all about in the first place. Then we both realised that WE were “instant messaging” LONG before it became a “thing”! TTY was the precursor to “IM”! And I made a typo and “Deaf Relay” was “Deaf Realy” which she replied “Really?” which went on a whole difference tangent! It was amazing! And what a relief to laugh! – The day? Well, the servers were still down for the financials.I now have 2 day’s of those to do when things return. But the day went slowly… quietly. It was bitter cold. There’s ice built up on the under-side of the car so badly at this point that when I hit a bit of a dip in the road, the ice scraped the road! I hope the car holds through this Winter. – I got back to the house at about 12.15 and went right to sleep… for 4 hours! And even after that, I could have stayed in bed and gone back to sleep. Depression and fatigue and having gotten up at 2.22 this morning. – Bobo and L. went to Walmarde this evening. Why? I’ve no idea. Valentine’s Day? I don’t know… don’t really care either. I’m a “renter” and that’s all there is to that now. – At one point tonight, I saw a cat walking up the road, bouncing in the cold, as if it was in pain. I actually went down to see if I couldn’t get it, bring it into the house. But by the time I got to the street, it was gone. I wanted to bring it in, take a photo, post it in the Post Office with a little message: “If this is your cat, come claim it in person so that I can punch you in the face.” fucking nasty shits in this town! I’ve no patience any more. – I stayed in the room, away from Jester, where it was safe. But I brought a bag of pellets in from the porch… just because. – “They” returned round about 21.00. – It’s really quite cold out there tonight and supposed to be winds of 60km/h and wind-chills in the minus 30’s come tomorrow. Winter… it’s steady here now. But, at least it’s at mid-February. Not much longer… or… what-ever. – So now, I’ve 5 tea-lights in the pot heater and the little heater is cycling. – Jester is stirring across the hall. The other two are just turning in for the night. Me? I’m going to play a little music and try for some sleep. – I’ve got the sneezes again tonight. Can’t figure that out. I feel as if I’m coming down with something… but only in this room. The heater? The dryness of the heater and the candles? I don’t know. But… time for some sleep…and hopefully a lot of it through tomorrow. – I have the Fisherman’s Friend cough drops at bed-side… just in case. The memories of the Shelter in that little package. – 23.03… time for lights out.
Sun.15.Feb: 10.12 Slept in until about 9.15 this morning… A “HumaHuma” night, last. And now I’ve no desire to remove from the bed. Sun’s shining. Not too bitterly cold. But no desire to leave the bed. And don’t care. – Oh… when I went to take the “lap board” from against the North wall this morning… it was BITTER BITTER COLD! I’ve been watching how the paper I tacked to that wall keeps moving, some-how and then, now, the absolute COLD round the out-let. I wonder… the house must be shifting. Any wonder? No, not really. To think that this end of the place isn’t heated properly… more reason to GET THE FUCK OUT! Soon! – Well.. 10.34 and I’ve had my coffee, had my smoke, am ready for the next round and a day of… nothing, I suppose. The windows are frosted so there’s no looking out. But it’s doesn’t seem to be so horrid out there. There was a “blizzard” in the forecast.. I don’t see it. Will have to check. Hopefully tomorrow will be fine… I’d like to get to Metro and maybe even Canadian Tire. But we shall see. – I NEED to find a way to get the ice off the car! It worries me that there’s so much build-up round the wheels. Ah… to have a car… and I’m not complaining about the “worries” nor the “concerns”. There’s a car… and I’m willing to put into it what I must to keep it. – OK. 10.43 weather: light snow possible today. Temperatures of -17 for the high and -24 for the low… wind chills of -42 tonight. Tomorrow? -16 high, chill of -24, no snow but winds of about 45km/h (considering I roll along in the car at 60… ) So there’s a slight chance of a trace of hope that I’ll make my errands tomorrow… (it would be nice to get rid of the empty soda cannettes). – Right now, I’m feeling the cold coming through the wall… but… BUT… I’m not OUT IN the cold… so we must be grateful for… – 16.27 Just up from a short nap. The temperatures out there have gone right straight to BITTERNASTYCOLD! It’s been hovering at 20° in the room all day but it’s still damned cold in here. And the North wall is still like a block of ice. Ah… Winter. And the NPR weather news: NYC is preparing for “Deep freeze”… their temperatures are supposed to “drop to 15°F”… meanwhile, the thermo-thingie on the back barn has read -5°F all day. Imagine that. I have to smile when I think how spoiled NYC actually is… and who lives there… that I remember. Bitter cold? I wonder how Rockaway is faring these days. I wonder about Rockaway always. That became my “home” in my later years. And now it’s “there” and I am “here”… – Must to note: Earlier, I went down for a smoke… it must have been round about 15.00. Jester, in bed, says to me “I decided to take a nap before I have to fix their dinner.” “HAVE” to fix “THEIR DINNER”? You pathetic little shit. And as for “them”… nasty shits. Abusers. But… one can’t be abused unless one allows and enables… I’ve learnt. (I recall, frequently, that Saturday when I returned from biking to E. Fairfield, the 6th consecutive day of it, and Blobo actually expected me to help remove the scrap metal from the barn as I sat to catch my breath on the swing. And then… THEN had the audacity, in one of his drunken stupours, to admit that he thought I was being a “dick”… and then went to the job and told his co-fuckers how miserable and selfish I am. I remember… frequently.) – Oh well… – Gatusso noodles with p’tit Quebec cheese are warming. 5 tea-lights in the pot-heater and the little heater is turned up a notch or some. Sunday “dinner” is preparing. And the day is coming to a close outside a window that I can’t see through for all the ice and frost. – Winter… North… and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Mon.16.Feb: 8.01 I woke, just before the 7.30 alarm to a room full of brilliant sun-shine and the little heater pumping away. 23° in the room again. I don’t understand this: during the day, whilst I’m awake and in here, it goes up to 20, but as I sleep… 23. Hmmm…. – Didn’t get to sleep until almost midnight though, with all the computer interests. And I broke down and bought the down-loading software for videos and music, last night. 9,99US came to about 12CAD but, I’ll get my music out of it… I hope. Once again, as always, music wins. This morning I’ll put it on the iPod. What did I get? 2 Bluegrass tunes and… AND… the Ruppert Holmes “Lui”. Not that I particularly liked the song, but it was 1980 and Montreal, back in the days when Montreal had become HOME. And to think, back then, I had no idea what I was singing, and I can still fake the lyrics… and today, can understand them. I’d always wondered about being able to understand the lyrics… it took me to the age of almost 60 to get here… as I’d always joked: just before I die. – It’s BITTERNASTY COLD out there today and the wind-chill is supposed to be BRUTAL. I should get food for work for the week. I’d like to get something to cover the plants, to keep some humidity around them in this room (since the heat is drying the air and them). I was thinking Metro and Canadian Tire. I don’t know though, in this cold. I don’t know that the car will take it. There’s all that ice built up round the wheels. The car washes will be closed because of this cold so I won’t be able to wash it off. And I worry about the front end… on the back roads. Well… we’ll see where it all leads during the course of the day. – The East windows are covered in frost. Winter… the North. That’s how it beez. – The house is still quiet. Bobo has the day off too. – I’m constipated and it’s beginning to take a toll on my lower back too. Must address that situation this morning. – Always something. – But this week is the interview for the office. Something to look forward to and something to add a bit of stress and anxiety. – Time… things will be what they will be. And we’ll see… when it all comes to be. – 15.01 Terrible, but I woke from a nap at about 14.15 and wanted to go right back to sleep. But I didn’t… I went out to start the car… and it started! YAY! I let it run until it started to get to operating temperature. It was warm inside from being in the morning sun, which made it easier on me. But the wind out there is brutal. I could, if I wanted, still make it to Morses Line and the market. But truthfully? I don’t want to. – I had TWO BMs this morning, at long last, and my guts and back are only just starting their way back to “normal”. I’m not going to push. Not in this cold weather. – Just having a tea. – Oh.. and I put the “new” music on the iPod so I have to re-do my “play list”. Not complaining though, I have more of my old music back… May the others who have my old music be rotting in pain as I note this. – Now? I don’t know. I’ve enough for a “light meal” this evening. “Light meal”… indeed. As if I’ve had a “not light meal” in the past several years. But I won’t go starving, and that’s to be thankful for. – The thermometre in here reads 20° but there’s a chill some-where. Earlier I thought: come Summer, I will NOT bitch about 40° heat this year! Instead, I’ll find a meadow, off a road, take a blanket and go soak in the heat. (Not like last Summer when I had to pedal my arse up, down and all around.) – OK. Enough. Time to make with the “busy”… until it’s time to collapse. Tomorrow? I’ll try to make it to market before work.. or at least to the gas station and the Creek Market… again… yay! – Oh… PS: The Nanuk “special cleaning”? Front-loader and dry on cool air… MACHINE washable. Ca ce peut tu? “Special Cleaner”. WTF? Some people…. – (on Tue. morn) It was a complete day in the room of doing… well… honestly, nothing. Soc.med. mostly. I did finally manage to get the list of music from the iPod to find the differences in counts from the “library” and the “purchased” so that was something “accomplished”. But other than that, it was mostly keeping to myself. The few times I actually spoke with anybody in the house, I was pretty-much brushed to the side. I’m here as income now… nothing more, nothing less. They’re rude. I don’t give a fuck. – I HAVE, how-ever, thought of how wonderful it is that I spent the few dollars on this little heater. I remember, all too well, the bitter cold and freezing I did last Winter in this room and how nobody in this house gives a shit. Well… it might cost them a bit more on the electric, but I’m heating this room to my comfort AND, in all likelihood, doing them a favour. Keeping this room warm cuts down on their need to heat the rest of the house. Last year, when it was so bitter cold in this room, L. whined that they could feel the cold coming from this room, and the “dining room” (as they call it… with the extra fridge and freezer under this room) isn’t as cold this year as it was last. So… fuck them! – Had my Ramen with peanut-butter this evening for “meal”, a tin of apricots and the last CoffeeCrisp. Need to shop for food now! – Had a bit of a “chat” with Nancy N. down South. It got into music and I found some Magnolia Sisters and Michel Doucet! Down-loaded some for the iPod… will have to get to that later, but it pisses me off to think of how much music is “gone” because of… well… it isn’t worth the mention at this point. Fucking nasty bastards. – Then… by accident almost, found a string of “Red Dwarf” episodes and some “documentaries” on the making of the show and got into those. About and hour each. A WONDERFUL diversion from the “reality” that is this place and something rather nice to watch before retiring for the night. – WELL!!!! That took me right up to almost MID-NIGHT! I’d wanted to be in bed, asleep, by 21.00, to wake early enough to make a wash in the morning and get on the road. But… it didn’t turn out that way so… ? … So what? – The week-end is done. That’s that. – Oh… not a blip from Viv. Today was her “Bingo” day. Oh well… “blips” take too much time. (“Special place to get the jacket cleaned”… front-load, machine wash, tumble dry on cold… CA CE PEUT TU?) – OH OH OH… THE NEW SPEAKER IS COMING FROM PORT CHESTER!!!! AH… NEW YORK… I do believe I’d rather be back in the State… as the woman in the post office said “We actually ARE better than the rest up here.”… from the State… not necessarily from The City. MUST work toward that… but meanwhile, imagine… the speaker coming from PORT CHESTER!
It’s cold outside
There’s no kind of atmosphere
I’m all alone, more or less
Let me fly far away from here
Fun, Fun, Fun, in the Sun, Sun, Sun
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose
Drinking fresh mango juice
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
Fun, Fun, Fun in the Sun, Sun, Sun
Fun, Fun, Fun in the Sun, Sun, Sun
Tue:17.Feb: 8.08
DREAM: I went to a store some-where, a Target, Flushing?, to buy a chair of some kind. I didn’t have a car, and some sales people helped me get in onto or into some sort of box on a bike. They weren’t kind about it. They were rather annoyed, to be quite frank. But I got the chair on the bike and left. – To get back to the house, I had to run, for some reason, through back yards. At one point, I had to squeeze through a hedge, a tall, evergreen hedge where, obviously, others had done the same thing over a period of time. I was annoyed that there were people going through the hedge and wondered why they’d be doing so, when it was obviously in peoples’ back yards. – When I got back to the house, “John” (sib) was doing some sort of cleaning. He’d dropped a bowl that had 2 small, rather off-white fish in it and when I walked into the house, the contents of the bowl were on the floor and the fish were dying. (Part of the Red Dwarf episode I’d watched last night?) He was on the phone, telling somebody that their class ring was gold, it would arrive shortly before the graduation ceremony. I called, from the hall “There are some fish here, dying on the floor!” and he came out of a room, in under-shorts. He was rather fat and from neck down, he had some kind of petichae, spots, bruise-like but red and open sores. I took notice and then didn’t. He was organising the high school graduation, his own as well, and i was aware that nobody was going to be there with him. Mum was working or something, and I was a bit saddened that he’d be going alone. I thought of how nobody bothered to attend mine, nobody bothered to attend anything of any importance to me, and although I felt bad for him, I didn’t much care because nobody bothered with me. – There was another visit to the store where I’d bought the chair and every time I passed any of the sales help, they looked at me rather disgusted and one Black woman looked at me rather scornfully and addressed me as “Oh… Mr. Chair.” I turned to her, in my rush to get what I needed and get out of the store (Target, at The Junction?) and quietly said “I DO have an actual name, you know.” and continued to walk away thinking “They don’t give a shit, so why bother?” – I was back in the house, in a basement sort of place. I opened the back-pack/sack (ambiguous on that) to take out the bits of food-stuffs that I had in there. Several small tins of some kind of broth/soup, a tin of something like “Ensure” that had been opened and started and also had a bit of a hole in the top… rusted. I drank it anyway, wondering if it had gone bad and not caring. I placed the “food” up on a window sill that was covered in spider webs and there was a spider, in a little bucket on the sill, that had gotten into an open bag of bread. I simply put the foods on the sill and began “arranging” them in order so as not to offend anybody. – I woke.
It was about 7.35 when I woke from this dream. I put the kettle on, took my Vit.C, peed (in the bottle), made coffee and am now up from my smoke. L. is asleep on the recliner in the parlour. Well… if I wanted to make a wash this morning, that’s out of the question. I want to get to a store to get a plastic box of some kind for the plants, before going into work. I need to get gas for the car as well. I’d thought of going up to Metro this morning, but it doesn’t appear that I’ll be doing that. I can get to Walmarde.. I’d rather go to Cowansville, but… it can wait. I’ve enough smokes to get through to Friday. No panic. And it looks to be another bitter cold morning out there. Oh well… just another day here… just another day. – 20.57
Feeling a bit on the “cruddy” side, could use a shower and make a wash but…
As this, another brisk Winter day in the North Country, comes to a close, I want and need to take a moment before closing my eyes for the night, to sincerely thank, with all of my heart and soul, those who made this day possible.
It began with a drive to work, to a job that truly is my love. And I drove, along the snow-packed and icy roads, in the sub-freezing temperatures… and I was protected against the winds, and I was warm all the way… thanks to the car… thanks to those whose hearts opened to my plea for help.
After work, I went to the gas station to fill the tank in the car, because in this cold, I never let the tank empty below the half-full mark, something that I was told, when I was much younger, to be certain to watch carefully. With a full tank of gas, I brought the car to the nearest car-wash, to clean the road dust, de-icing chemicals and ice off, to protect it from corrosion (more than simply the aesthetics of a clean car). And I was able to do this because I am working at a job that I love and that allows me these luxuries because of the car.
There were a few necessities that I needed to get before coming back to the house this evening, so I went to the local store for those. I can afford the necessities because of the job that I have because of the car.
The drive back to the house was quite dark and alone tonight. But I was protected against the cold of the night, and warmed by the heater in the car that I have because of the miracles of Trust and Compassion of those who reached out a hand to help me in a time of my greatest need of help.
On the way, I stopped at my favourite McDonald’s (the one that I’ve mentioned previously… the one where the Manageresse prepared a tray of food for a Homeless woman on one of my previous visits). I was SO hungry and this evening, I actually sat at a table and ate until I was content (which doesn’t take much of late because I’m still in “meagre mode” when it comes to the quantity of food it takes to fill me). It was peaceful there this evening. Not many people are out and about after sun-set up here in the North Country Winter. And I sat by a window, and as I ate, I was able to look out at the car… the car that I drive to work, to the job that I love, and the car that got me to this McDonald’s so that I could eat when I was so hungry, the car that would bring me back to the house… in the darkness of tonight, along the country roads… protected against the bitter cold of these North Country Winter nights. And I was thankful… for the job, for the ability to get my necessities, for the ability to come to this McDonald’s to eat… but most of all, for the people who heard my plea for help and opened their hearts and Trusted me.
Back at the house, I came into my little room where the temperature was 14°C, being un-heated by the house’s heating system. And I turned on the little heater, which I bought just after this Winter began, with the income I receive from the job that I have… all because of the car which is a never-ending reminder to me of the Kindness and Compassion and Help I’ve been given by those whose hearts are so incredibly warm, and so awe-inspiringly full of compassion and understanding.
And as the room warms, and I am laying down to sleep, to prepare for tomorrow, another day at the job I love so much, I just wanted to, again, say, with ALL of my heart and soul…
THANK YOU ALL… THANK YOU SO MUCH MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. THANK YOU!!!
(Posted for the fesses-book tonight.)
The day? Well… The financials all got up-dated and all’s well there. The Town came in with their reports and I rang the C. to find out what to do with them.. she told me to ring Dan. Dan gave me all sorts of convoluted postings and such… he told me to call Donna at Bulk mail and she narrowed it all down to simple. BUT… NOBODY told me that the 9 tubs of reports were to be broken-down and sorted! SO… there was tiny disastre number one. THEN in comes the little bitch who came in Wednesday last at 16.30 to post two certifieds. Id put them through with-out proper postage and one got returned! SHE had a total melt-down on me! So I gave her the phone number for the C. and she went storming out the door in tears, threatening to phone. I phone the C. who said “I’ll just take the phone off the hook and she’ll have to wait until tomorrow to call, but which time she’ll have cooled-down.” I doubt that though.. I expect there’s to be quite the “DO” made over this. But? As usual… I can’t care… cant’ give a shit. – As for the rest of the day? I was OUT by about 16.40… and the rest… I’ve already said. – When I got to the house at just past 20.00 (imagine… I spent almost TWO fucking hours in a Walmarde!), all was dark, all were in bed… I came in, put my little frozen foods into the freezer, came up the stairs… This day is DONE! – Having my tea… posting to the fesses-book and hoping for a night of SLEEP! – Also, hoping that the plastic container over the plants is of benefit to them. Between the little heater and the flower-pot heater, there’s no humidity in the room… just COLD. Hopefully the plastic “box” will help keep some humidity for the plants. The orange tree isn’t looking too happy, and the ivy is going a bit curly. So… we try our best… we try. – Meanwhile, the car is clean. I noticed that the passenger-side door let in a bit of water under the pressure of the wash. But at least it isn’t drastic. BUT… the ice under the car won’t go away! It’s too damned COLD for any sort of melt. Oh well… “life”… in The North Country… at least I’m not walking in it this year. And may that continue on… I like this car.. truly.
Wed.18.Feb: 8.32 Watched a few runs of “Red Dwarf” again, last night before turning in… until just past mid-night. Turned the 6am alarm off and dozed until almost 7.30. Had my coffee and am trying some zinc in the vitamins. Not sure why, but what the hey? – L. is awake in the parlour… I could make a wash but I think I’ll wait, try my luck tomorrow. I don’t NEED clean clothes… yet… there’s more cleaning to be done at the office and I have the gloves now so… Tomorrow… I’ll need clean clothes for Friday morning though. – That’s driving me into anxieties… I don’t trust any … ANY of these… what-evers here and keeping this job now is SO important. – I have to check the weather report. I was thinking of another 10$ car-wash today, to get the rest of the ice off and to put another “wax” on it… but I doubt that’s going to be today. – L. tells me that Bobo hit something in the road last evening en route back to the house… it flattened a tyre and bent the wheel! I wonder how fast he was driving. (For a 44-year-old, he’s not very… 44-years-old… more like 4… so I do wonder.) But what a terrible thing. L. tells “110$” for a new wheel and tyre. Well? One needs to appreciate the things one has and to take care of them. (Or… maybe I just appreciate too many of the little things… If that’s the case… I have a 17-year-old car that’s been quite the distance… and to me, it’s the Chariot of the Gods.) But I’ve noticed and noted how things are not appreciated by any of the 3 of them: i.e. the bikes… both rotting in the barn, and now, the one that was quite wonderful, frozen… literally, in a puddle of ice in the “garage”. They take care of nothing… they appreciate nothing. How miserable to live like that. Oh well… Not my monkeys… not my circus. – The room smells quite strongly of the dryer sheets… the Nanuk is back in the plastic to get rid of the smoke smell. “Clean”. A little too strong… but “clean”. – The heater is on, cycling, but for some reason, there’s quite the chill in the air. AND… last night I noticed some sort of “insulation” being squeezed through where the drop-ceiling meets the West wall in here. Between that and the fact that I’m forever having to re-tack the brown paper and the rips in the old wall paper… the house is “settling” or shifting.. Time to go… soon. – And at 8.44, thus commences yet another day… another day indeed. – 18.05 The day is DONE! A rather slow beginning to the work-day and a rather lazy rest of it. And I was OUT by 16.40… in DAY-LIGHT! Temperatures were actually WARM when the sun was shining… almost uncomfortably warm. This old body’s getting acclimated to the cold. Imagine that. – This evening I hear that the new wheel for the Bobomobile is 110$ and that it’s 130 with the over-draft on the account. WHAT? Last month they got 650$ from me alone, then just last week another 150… 800$ and OVER-draft? OK… not my monkey, not my circus… I just wanted to add that note. – Meanwhile, on a search about the Subaru… somebody posted that theirs had gone 570 thousand miles! Others say that 300k is “normal” and I’m all worried at 230k? Oh well… But yes, repairs to the rest must be done. – I’m rather exhausted this evening and thinking “sleep by about 20.00 or so”. I want to make a wash in the morning and get to Metro for something to eat and return the cans. We shall see, May I be asleep by 20.30, awake by 5.30 and ready to hit the road by about 8,00 tomorrow. -23.27 Another night later than planned… but an evening of chatting on the fesses-book with… MATT! MATTHEW! HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT? SO SUPER! AMAZING! DELIGHTFUL! HOURS! He remembers “talking behind T7”! He addressed me as “sir” and then said “the coolest sir” he’s ever met. And tonight, before I put out the lights on this day, I had to post, so that he can see, how humbled I am by this young man who truly is so remarkable. And I go to sleep remembering the night, on the dune, under the black felt, huddled and cuddled against the late August dew, beside the Great Atlantic… and the hot and humid next day, scouring the dunes for beachplumbs… and we only huddled together, under the throw, against the chill and dew. And these are the memories that no one else will ever understand… and that I hold dearest to my heart. – And, dear sister, brother and “BFF” (big fucking freak) Nannette… THIS you CANNOT TAKE FROM ME! And in that fact, I delight.
Thu.19.Feb: 6.27 The clothes are in the wash. HLS is on the “throne” in the parlour, awake and picking scabs, having them for light breakfast. And me? I’m SO flatulent this morning that it’s annoying! And it’s going to be another “clean the car off” day… the snows, from the looks of things, began some hours ago and are still falling. Lightly, but still falling.. just as the forecast had predicted. Snow. Yesterday the roads were clear, dry, smooth driving. Ah.. but it’s still February… and this morning, there is that reminder… this morning, when I planned on a trip HOME… to get food for work and smokes. Isn’t that just… me and my “life”? It’s going to be a slow travel this morning. Oh well… it will be what it will be… slow, steady… The one comfort: that report on the Subaru.. clean since 2002. And the other report of some 500 thousand miles… or at least 300 thousand. Hopefully, this one will live up to that… especially today… AND TOMORROW! – I just wish I knew where all the gas is coming from. This is almost terrible! (I’ve become an old, flatulent man… how charming.) – 21.17 A rather annoying day running into a rather annoying night. The speaker arrived today… broken. The package and all. I noticed it right after posting a positive review on “Jesse”, the seller from Port Chester. Ah… but before that… there’s more snow… SNOW… and so I didn’t get HOME this morning. Then Andy comes in to ask (chuckle chuckle) if I’m going over to the Springs to help sort the Town Reports! My access to the Sheldon financials disappeared as I’d expected. The chuckle du jour was that I cleaned the PO Boxes… My fingers are cracking again… there’s a tick in the engine of the Subaru… and I’ve had 2 v-tons and am not exhausted… just annoyed. The house is in bed. I’ve gotten filthy looks as I’ve tried being “Sociable”… and I’m really quite bent very much out of shape. Fuckarses on the social media. A tiddletaddle bullshit from Viv on the Skype… I’ve not yet received the forms I sent her money to send to me and there’s no mention of them…. Annoyed… indeed.. yes… annoyed… and tomorrow? In the fucking snow… a drive to an interview for a fucking job I’m already doing… Annoyed… to put it mildly…. ever so very mildly.
Fri.20.Feb: 6.40
HOME
The plow went by at about 5. I woke, and drifted back to doze. I heard Bobo leave and stayed dozed. Just up from a smoke… there’s no road to be seen. Snow. the world is covered. Wonderful. And it’s another morning of being quite annoyed… by nothing, really. Just annoyed, with everything. Agitated. I don’t know why. I just am. The access to the financials is wrong. I have to interview for a job that I’ve been performing, and quite well, as a matter of fact. There’s no guarantee that I’ll get this job back… or keep it. I need the hours. I need the income. I need to move along and move on and move out. And too much is riding on this. I need some food, I need smokes, and can’t get that into the schedule for the day. When I get to the office, there are the reports that need to be done and the snow clearing. It’s quite the day. And my stomach is “off” again this morning… THAT is, more than likely, due to the agitation. Ah… just another day in… life. – (On Sunday morning) Well… woke, of course, to nasty roads, drifting snows and the likes. Indeed. The drive into St-Allbeans was rather fascinating though. The drifting snows were actually hypnotic… watching the currents of wind swirling the snows every which direction in front of me. Back and forth and side to side and swirling. I have to say though, I was, again, SO thankful for having the car. And it handled rather well indeed. The roads are a complete mess though. Holes and bumps, packed snow and ice. But I made it! Got there about 20 minutes early! – As for the interview itself, the boil-down is that, if it were entirely up to Dan and the C. both Rachel and I would simply be put into the offices that we want and have done with it all. It was rather a delight, seeing Dan again. And he told me something rather interesting and relieving and assuring: it seems his father was from Fuklin, his Mum, from Swanton. When they married, they moved into Fuklin and the town shunned the both of them… because he, the father, married a woman from away… AWAY… SWANTON! (Proving that this town is actually quite very much in-bred.) The father died first and when the time came to consider “an adult home” for the mother, they mentioned the Homestead here, in Fuklin and the mother said “Put me in a cardboard box in the woods first! I’ll NEVER step foot back in that town again!” There we have it. It wasn’t ME, nor anything *I* did wrong in this office… it IS this town! Hateful bunch of in-breeds that they are. Once again: all truths become known. – The drive back to the office… well… a quick stop at Aubuchons to get that wadding polish stuff for the POBoxes (which didn’t work either… I guess it’s because the crud on them is so old now that a metal brush is needed, but I tried) and another can of WD40. (The new one is mine, and the one I had already is now for the office). A quick stop at Hannaford’s for something to eat today and… TO WORK! – Work… the husband of the woman who sends out all the doll patterns came in with… 13 boxes! All being insured. It was AMAZING! AND GREAT! for the revenue. But of course, he came in rather late in the day. Still.. today he was actually quite nice! And the wife rang the office, we spoke French! He paid 8 boxes and left 5 for tomorrow. But I have no trouble with that! It’s revenue! I’m tickled! – I was planning on going HOME tomorrow for shopping but a woman came in and said that there’s to be snow tomorrow, through to Monday… I decided to try the trip this evening.. after work… which meant no Morses Line crossing up… Well! Didn’t THAT prove fun! – Left the office almost on time (about 17.00)and went to the Shell in Sheldon, to fill the tank (just under 20$) and ask about border crossings closer than Richford. Seems the W.Berkshire is the only one. Oh well… I decided I’d take the State Park rd and if it was too bad, I’d postpone… But… it was fine… Ice, of course, but fine enough – The drive up was, again, a wonderfully fascinating trip. I’ve only done it once, in good weather, and I believe it was about 2 years ago at least. The stretch before E.Franklin is desolate, and the sun was beginning to set, but it was truly beautiful… very “North Country”. No music on the radio, no zipping along, but still… a delightful drive. – At the border, the fellow there at Freligsburgh was ever so charming and chatty and wonderful. (Canada… a nice place in which to be “Human” and “civil”. We chatted a touch until another car came along and I was en route! – How odd to drive along that road… the one I’d WALKED a few times when I first arrived in Fuklin. Driving along, o’er the ice and snow. And by the time I got to town, it was already becoming quite dark. Still there was a familiarity about it, which always takes me a bit off-guard… to think that I’m even slightly familiar with these little towns… at HOME… today. – THEN came the ch. St-Armand… UP THE HILL! And with reflections of head-lights… on the ICE! SOLID ICE! UP the hill! The car pulled a bit, but nothing horrid. It does, however, worry others on the road so they give me quite enough berth and I don’t really give a shit. Better for me if they think I’m out of control Still, it was a “WOW!” relief when I got to Pigeon Hill! I knew where I was and knew that it wasn’t much longer til Morses Line and Dalpé and that made all the difference in the world at that point… in the dark… on the ice. And then… WOOHOO! Dalpé! Right turn and… NICE ROAD! For the most part, the road-bed was clear… for the most part. So that was a delight and I buzzed along. And then it struck me: HOME… St-Armand… in the snow… at night… now THERE’S something I NEVER would have imagined… because surely, I’d’ve NEVER done that on the bike!!! “Life” was “normal”… and I was going shopping… “normally”, after work. – Pulling into Bedford was SUCH a relief this evening (at about 18.00!). Not so much because of it being a place to stay, should I need to, but because it was familiar and I “know” the town and the town “knows” me. I wouldn’t expect anybody to be too helpful in time of need… but at least it’s not all “foreign”. – TO THE dép! A carton this evening… FTW. I drove all that way over the ice… I was going back with a carton, no matter what! – And so I popped right into the Metro, where my crustinis were on sale at 2$, Mae West on sale, Coffee Crisp on sale (I got a bag for me and one for HLS… just because I’m that kind of dumbass), 2 50’s, 2 yoghurts (also on sale)… and away. – At the cash, there’s a woman who speaks English with me for the most part and when the young lady I was dealing with asked if I wanted a bag, in French, the other one yells “Do you want a bag? He’s from the states! He speaks English!” So I replied “Mais, vraiement, j’parle les deux.” She smiled and such and went about her business. I wonder though: was it a compliment or an insult? Judging by her English, it was probably a compliment… but, no matter… Hey… I consider that HOME… the rest of them can take a hike. – Groceries done, back in the car… in the DARK… it was NIGHT… and to the trip along the familiar route! – The crossing back into Fuklin was brief. It was interesting to see the border at night, in the dark, in the snow. And the boarder patrol was local so all went right along… no big deal, of course. – The roads in VT were… a mess… as expected. – At the house, I brought HLS the new bag of CoffeeCrisps and am told that there are still 2 bags from previous purchases! So… I’ll stop that business of buying for “the others”. – I put my frozen foods into the freezer and came up to the COLD COLD room. Put things away, had a 50 and looked at the soc.med. – There was a message from Viv on the Skype. I read it and didn’t reply this evening. All I wanted to do was have my beer and pass the actual fuck out! This had been QUITE the day! – Lights went out at 23.00
Sat.21.Feb: (On Sunday) Well, the 5.00 alarm sounded this morning… and I turned it off.. and dozed… until 6.30. Tired. Ever so tired. Perhaps from last night’s 50’s or simply because that’s the way it’s been of late… fatigue… constant and steady fatigue. I had a little dreamlette, as it were, that I was late for work, in a bit of a panic for a moment and then just didn’t give a shit. Nothing serious… just a passing dreamlette. I woke, had, my coffee, my smoke and felt like shit. Ah… just another day… here. – Work went ever so well today. Got the other 5 boxes out. Learnt that Monsieur speaks French too… quite the English accent, but speaks quite well indeed. Says his parents spoke French. So there we have it… there IS the presence of the French… even in the crique. Charming and lovely… m’thinkst. – Of course, just as I thought that I’d get out of there on time this week-end, the phone… Diana… with a closing dilemma. And so, as it turned out, i didn’t get out until WAY past noon! It’s not that I mind helping, but it’s off the clock. And, were I the type to do so, I could, most certainly whine and claim the time… especially with all the “You can’t be in the office on the premises off the clock!” bull-shit (unless it’s convenient to and for “them”). Oh well… no trouble. I wasn’t in a hurry to get to the house anyway. – And at the house… the snows began falling, lightly. And here, I want to make a note:
*** I park in front of the phone company out of consideration… so that the house will get its mail. And then I move from in front of the phone company out of consideration so that the in-breeds can plow in front of it. You fucking wastes of after-birth. ***
Noted. I parked, came in, got the usual greeting… more forced than anything else, and came up to the COLD COLD COLD room. Put the kettle on for a tea, got changed, had a smoke, had my tea and laid down for a “nap”… of another 4 hours! Woke at about 18.00, ready to go back to sleep… but didn’t. I tidied the room a touch, browsed the soc.med. a bit. – Somebody posted a “Missing Homeless Person” notice. Martha passed it along to me with a mention: There are angels walking the earth… or something like that. I posted to my “time-line” about 6 times, asking others to re-post… There’s a total clean-out coming tomorrow… And this time… total. Can’t click a “share” to re-post? Nope… I’ve got no time for that shit. Did it once… doing it again… BIG TIME THIS TIME! I’m tired of this “save the animals” and “fuck the people”. One Homeless person froze to death in NYC… that we know of. And then there’s Vicki Haberman, sitting on her fat arse in Florida some-where, who tells me “I like animals more than I like people so hate me.” OK. I do. Done. Not even fuck you. And as I type this, I KNOW there’ll be no reply from Lois, who’s more interested in here “tiramasu latte” and what she’s getting from her ex-husband to support her and such. I actually got to thinking that maybe I should consider leaving the “rurals” and get into the “urbans” where I might be able to DO something MORE for the Homeless than simply rant on the social media. It’s something to ponder. – Anyway… the day draws to an end… it got to be about 23.30 and I had 2 yoghurts to eat and 2 50’s to drink. Popped a note of events onto the Skype, for Viv and, reluctantly put out the lights some time after mid-night… – I’m exhausted… The note to Viv told “all” of late, including the truth of my fatigue and the misery of being here… AND the fact that I can’t do much of anything until I know for certain about work. I know that she doesn’t understand and that she won’t try because of medications and the sorts. I don’t love her any the less for it. It’s all the way it’s supposed to be: Nobody gives a shit. – Lights out… day done… and I pray I remain comatose until round about noon tomorrow… the less time I’m awake and aware, the better.
Sun.22.Feb: 8.11 Woke at 7.57, very warm and flatulent. Apparently all that yoghurt wasn’t the solution. Oh well. I’ve had my coffee, and my smoke and … am wishing I was still very much asleep. – 9.02 Getting caught up here… Bobo yelled for HLS. Jester was up a bit earlier. And just now… apparently Jester went to the market and of course, upon the return… YIP YIP YIP SCREECH! That fucking mutt! (the both of them really). And the house is filling with the stench of bacon… making me rather quite ill. Sunday… in Porkland. – Curtie’s just here with the white plow, scraping along the road. I’m parked as “lead” and it makes me quite ill just thinking about that fucking in-breed out there with the plow… and my car! Fucktards! The lot of them. I TRULY NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS TOWN!!!!! OH… PLEASE!!! LET THE FINAL DECISION ON THE JOB COME THIS WEEK!!!! PLEASE!!!!! AND LET ME STAY WHERE I AM WITH THE HOURS THAT I HAVE!!!! PLEASE!!!! – 11.19 Dozed again after getting Friday’s notes done. I just want to sleep… all the time. And my stomach is churning and the bowels are bloated. Yes… another day… another Sunday. The snow is still falling, albeit ever so very lightly. This is quite something this year… the snow keeps falling and piling up. Goodness! Last night I saw a report on Niagara falls… ever so frozen. They’re saying that it won’t even start to thaw until May. if that’s so, with all that ice, the effect on the Summer will probably be felt over the North-east… cooler temperatures. Oh well… It will be what it will be. – 11.29 That was something… a bit of discomfort, a toddle to the loo and BLAM! Nothing but liquid. I wonder what the hell brought that on. Although, I’m not complaining because if this keeps going for the day, maybe it’ll get rid of that bloating and gas and such and finally clean things out. (Or… is it nerves? One never can tell.) – 11.45 Still not non yet… BUT WE GET THE FUCKING YIPS AGAIN! I went down for a smoke earlier and yes, I’m COMPLETELY CONVINCED: IN-BREEDS!!! RECESSIVE GENES GALORE! Mental retardation and all the rest that goes with it. And yes… it makes me sick! I don’t suppose that it’s “inconsideration” that makes them so damned ignorant… it’s the actual inability to “think”, to process thought… and it’s organic… the bits required simply do not exist. Like the important bolt in a furniture kit… the ONE that keeps the whole thing together… gone missing in shipment. Doesn’t make matters any better… but at least there’s a rationale for it… Organic. – My stomach is re-settling. The Journal is up-to-date. The snows have stopped and the temperature is reaching up into the 20’sF. The bitterness is expected to return this week… freezing what melts today. Oh well… oh well… and I just want to go back to sleep… and most likely will… ever so soon. – 18.41 Another day passed napping and awake and napping and awake and running to the loo and napping and awake… and this lap-top is a bit of fuckery this evening… underlining all sorts of shit. Oh well… – I checked the soc.med…. of course, not too many re-posts so tomorrow there’s to be quite a bit of “cleaning”. They can all eat shit… Frank did a click and apparently sent it to a Bishop. So that’s pretty cool. Other-wise… fukkemall. – Got more Cajun music and a contemporary on the iPod and cleaned a few videos off. The videos are rather impressive, I must say. But there were a couple that just were… as they say these days “meh”. – had Ramen with cheese for “meal” and a couple Mae Wests. Washed the “dishes” (joke, that… dishes). – Other-wise, just finished my tea and am waiting for the “end of the day”. Setting my sights on tomorrow. – No sense looking for Viv… she’s at George’s for dinner this evening. So I CAN get an early bed-time in tonight… may it be so.
Mon.23.Feb: 20.21 In bed. In jammies. 2 v-tons. Too much on the soc.med.! Actually watched a video of a guy being burned alive in a metal cage by Muslims! And all I can think of is: HOW? I get angry. I even get blind-angry! I wish for things like this to happen… but I would NEVER EVEN IMAGINE it actually happening! WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK is WRONG with people these days? Truly! WHAT? I deal with the hate of this town, this Franklin, Vermont, on a minute-to-minute basis. These people are miserably full of HATE. They scratch and bash my car, they tell lies, ignore… but to BURN SOMEBODY… ALIVE? Humanity is lost… completely. WORTHLESS! – As for the day: This morning, I got to thinking of this situation here… it annoyed me to the point where it carried through the entire day. These shits in this house are miserable, in their own way. I thought:
• Winter, 2013(?) I had to go to E.Fairfield to get the key to the post office. Bobo told me he’d bring me there (and I’d have to find a way back). BUT… I had to WALK the 6 hours because… he “forgot”. I slipped on the ice on the E.Sheldon rd, all alone, got up and conitnued. And when I arrived, on the way back, at Fairfield Centre, a phone call… I walked almost into Sheldon before HLS came to get me. He “forgot”.
• Summer of 2014: SIX days of waking at 4.00, being out of the house by 4.30 or 5.00… in the RAIN! EVERY morning, biking 3 hours in the rain. And, on the way back… at 17.00, more rain, or blasting heat and humidity. Ah… and then on the 6th day, the Saturday, I arrive at the house, exhausted from the week of biking and as I sit to catch my breath, Bobo asks me to help get the scrap metal from the barn… the metal that I moved… ALONE… so that they could “sell” it… and here he was GIVING IT AWAY! Later, he had the fucking balls to tell me that he thought me to be a prick because I told him that I couldn’t help with the metal!
• Winter 2013: The average temperature in this room was 12°. I had NO heat. Ah… but the response to the cold air that came through the vent into the room down-stairs from here… CLOSE THE DOOR so that the bit of heat from the pellet stove wouldn’t get into the room down there. Me? When I could, I got the flower pots and tea-lights to get SOME heat in here.
• Back to the orientation in Portland Maine: *I* paid for the car rental… but Bobo insisted that I use the Juke, and so I did. But *I* paid for, NOT reimbursed for, the rental that he used to get to work. The results? Being chastised that I took their car all the way to Maine! And that I owed them “a lot of money”! I ate Dunkin Donuts whilst in Maine because I had NO MONEY! I used every penny I had for gas to get TO Maine, get TO the orientation and get “their” car BACK to fucking Vermont! EVERY penny… indeed and in fact.
• Winter 2013, I shovelled the snow, chopped the ice.
• Summer 2013, I mowed the fucking lawn with the reel mower that *I* repaired.
• They got the fucking “equity loan” because *I* kept the yard and front of the house in order.
Meanwhile, I get shit at ever turn because that faggot Jester of theirs spews bull-shit about me.
Me? I come into the house, to the room and I’m alone in here, out of the way. I don’t eat their food, don’t use thier gas for cooking, nor their electric for the micro-wave. I take ONE shower per WEEK-day (and none on Sunday). I don’t use anything that THEY buy… even down to the toilet paper. BUT… GIVERS HAVE TO DRAW A LINE BECAUSE TAKERS SELDOM DO… I’ve stopped all the “giving” and now… PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE ANGRY OR EVIL WHEN YOU TREAT THEM THE WAY THEY TREAT YOU.
And this is how my day began and how it ran all through. What didn’t help was being phoned, by the C. about the difference in my drawer count that she couldn’t get onto the Unit financial report. AND that *I* couldn’t get it on there! WELL! QUNT! MY count was on the money… YOUR count was wrong! Deal with it! THEN, LISA decides to try to get me access to the FUKLIN office’s financials and FUCKS ME OUT OF SHELDON! I left the office this evening with a balanced drawer count of my own BUT NO FUCKING FINANCIAL REPORTS! – Hence, the v-tons this evening which I am hoping will knock me out as soon as the lights go out. – I popped a brief “apology” to Viv on the Skype. Haven’t heard or seen a blip from her since I told her what’s been going on here of late. Apathy again… Typical. I’m OK to be with whilst the world is fun… but when *I* become “Human”… it’s time to RUN AWAY! Typical. – But I saw from Mia on the Twtr this evening! YAY! I MUST drop her an e-mail… MUST MUST MUST! She asked “Did you get Winter clothes hun?”Imagine! SOMEBODY who not only remembers but CARES! Imagine! I focus on that… SOMEBODY CARES!.. out there. – Just up from the last smoke, and HLS and her Jester were out. Jester made a tah-doo about bringing 4 bags of pellets into the porch… but again… nothing INTO THE HOUSE! RETARD! And whiney-whine-whine about “frozen fingers”. So… they both took a couple of “hits” off the pipe… Me? I came into the house and back up to the room. – OH! Before I forget: This morning I had… HAD to DIG my way into the car!!!! Plowed right in! This evening, I get to the house and some fucktard comes careening at me in the car in his pick-up truck with trailor/wagon on the back… TOWARD me, coming North-bound and then careens up the road to park across from the store! That whole careening toward me was completely NOT necessary!!!! These people are worse than viral shit! – I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS TOWN!!!! SOON! – But my taxes for the state came in… 118 but still, that’s more than I expected. I’m seriously going to look into that house in St-Armand this week. If the rent is reasonable and the heating won’t be too much… I’m OUT! IF I get to keep the office… I’m ASSUREDLY OUT! EVEN QUICKER! THIS has GOT to END! – So now, the house has gone quiet… the sissies are stoned,the other one is probably sacked out on the sofa or something. This room will NOT warm up… it’s taken almost 2 hours to break from the 14° it was when I got in! And the cold in my feet and fingers won’t go away. – Tomorrow I have to be in the office by noon… Rachel’s going to do another drawer count (I did two this evening and balanced to the penny!) And yes… I AM putting in for the time… after all… I can’t be in the office “off the clock” and now I’ve been asked to be in at noon. FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT! TRULY. – Time for lights out. I’m a bit hungry but this depression and anger are too much to bear. Not only with the fucktards in this house, but the shit at work and the thoughts of that video and how miserable “humans” truly are. – Now I lay me down to sleep… I’ve had more than enough of this bulls-shit world… so what if they find my dead arse in the bed in the morning? I’ll be out of and away from this shit!
Tue.24.Feb: 6.31 Bloody COLD in this room this morning!!! The heater was and still is on through the night. It’s cycling. But there’s a “cold” coming in through the walls! COLD! The rest of the house is warmer than the room. But then again, I just went to the loo (trots again this morning) and the boiler is running as well… the loo was MUCH warmer than the rest of the house which is much warmer than this room. – And so well… the accounts are balanced this morning. The refund from the broken speaker is done. The CU account is dormant. There should be a post from the book, but that’s not there. Well, more reason NOT to use that account for much more than it’s being used of late. One thing that I did notice: the refund from Amazon came to a few cents less than the purchase. The exchange rates vary and indeed, the “back and forth” will either gain or lose. Interesting, that. – I woke, this morning, at about 4.00, all fresh and such. Bobo bombed about when it woke, slamming doors and such, as usual. And HLS was all “Baaaaaaaaaaaab!” There’s NO consideration for anything or anybody other than self… the 3 of them. Could be interesting, but it’s not… it’s more disgusting. – 8.58 Strange… I wake, and am ready to take on the day! And about 2 hours later… nap time. And when I wake from the nap, I’m exhausted again. Probably because of the environment I wake to. – Thought: If the Winter comes when this part of the planet is facing away from the sun, then this is what the temperature in “outer space” must be like. Just a thought. – 10.53 and of course, the Welfare crowd… on in the loo and the other one puttering with the dishwasher. I’m speechless. Not surprised… just speechless. – 17.47 WELLLLllllll…. AN ICE COLD SHOWER THISMORNING! The water heater is on the blink… but it was FINE when HLS was in there. Imagine THAT. I’d shaved and had soap on my neck and in my beard, and with the trots, well, it was quite the start to a day where the room wouldn’t warm much and the out-side temperatures were… wind-chills of -35°F. HOW DE-FUCKING-LITEFUL! So it was a RAPID head and face wash and a feet-wash and dress and out the door. – Good news? The drawer count has been re-done at Sheldon and ON THE POINT! OK! Tomorrow morning at 10.00… the Fuklin drawer. Then… nothing until about June or July. Oh yes! – Bobo is in the basement working on the water heater now. THEIR dinner is just out of the oven. Jester took the Mexishit to the vets for shots and next trip is neutering. How charming: THAT mutt goes to a doctor. The other two… no. “We don’t have the money.” Ca ce peut tu? I pay 500/month, Jester’s allegedly putting in at least 300 (plus all the food). 800/month right there. Bobo’s working an has to be making something round and about 12/hr… so…. 420 – 126 at 30% is 294/week take-home is 1176/month. Right there is 1976/month. HLS was leeching about 700/month so… 2676/month. One car payment of, let’s say 300 leaves 2376. Even at 400/month for electric (round-up guestimate) 1976, gas for cooking (cooking… something I don’t do) and the dryer (something that runs for almost an entire day every Sunday and twice a month for me for about 45 minutes each) at about 200… 1776 (these are nice years too I’m noticing). The food bill? Can’t come to too much since Jester’s putting in about 175. So… and they have no money. Ah… but there’s weed and booze every week-end and through the week. Important shit. Can’t do with-out that! – Oh well… not my monkeys, not my circus… not my food, not my cleaning… but it IS my shower! And it IS my 500$/month.
Wed.25.Feb: 7.37 Sun is shining and the air is still quite cold. I can’t say “bitter” because… I can see out of the windows. No frost. No ice. So it must be a bit on the “warmer” side of freezing. In a hateful town that shuns “out-siders” for no logical reason at all. And first thing this morning I think of how I’m liked in Sheldon. I hoped to be liked here. I came in quite humble, worked my arse off (almost quite literally) to make my place of residence look very nice, “New England”, and such. Ah… but what the fuck? Eh? no sense in bothering. So I wake in a town that hates me, in a house where I’m lied about and not very much appreciated except for the income. I often think of how Bobo told Jester “I was in the army so I know how to live with and around other people. He’ll have to adjust.” Last night, I saw a video, on-line, of the Shelter… I re-posted information about the book. The Shelter… and I have to learn to live with and around other people. Yesterday I stood in a bitter cold shower. Last night I went to bed feeling (and smelling) cruddy. I didn’t complain. I didn’t whine. I stood in the kitchen chatting, as “other people” shoved food down their throats. And I have to “learn to live with and around other people”. I tread lightly about the place so as not to disturb “other people”. I make my washes in the mornings before “other people” are awake so that when “other people” wake, I’m not in need of anything. I keep the door to this room shut so that I don’t disturb “other people”. Indeed. – My head no sooner hit the pillow last night at about 23.00 and I was… gone. Woke to the 6.00 alarm this morning and went right back to sleep. Woke… had my coffee, my smoke in a hateful house in a hateful town. – At 10.00 I count the drawer in the post office in this hateful town. – Hateful. – Good morning. – 18.48 FUKLIN DRAWER COUNT DONE AND TO THE PENNY!!!!! BOTH ARE NOW DONE (FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER 6 MONTHS) – MY BACK IS OUT! Fucking dogs and the stress of this morning’s count and getting to work and worried about a hot shower (there was hot water)… HLS’s “Physical Therapist” came this morning as I was getting dressed… the dogs started in, the Mexishit wouldn’t stop, I got annoyed and ZING! BACK OUT! The “beginning” twinges of pain. How charming! – Well the count went well and it took us quite the while, of course, because the computer in that office is so slow, and nobody seems to know what the hell they’re doing. Thankfully, there wasn’t much to be counted, else we’d still be there working on it. Still, the best news of all is that the “final” count is on the money and all is well. As Lisa said: maybe the next time will be to close the drawer out because I’ll be assigned to Sheldon (and not have to come back). How terrible to look so forward to “not coming back”. But truly, I don’t want to work in that office… in this town. The good part is that Dan confirmed the ugliness of this town. Not that that will make my time here much easier. But at least I know it’s really not “me”. – So I got to lock the office again. I tried the combination to he safe to see if it’d been changed. Nope. Same. Oh well… and I was out of there in just enough time to get to “work”. – Nice drive in. Clear skies for a change and clear, dry roads. How charming. – The day… it went right along… right along. Not much business, but enough to keep busy, and I was OUT by about 16.40 or so! – Drove over to Enosburgh to the Mobil. 20$ gave me a full tank of the mid-range. I’m going to try to get it into that grade, considering the high-test is reported to cause some sorts of build-ups because of the temperature needed to ignite. Still, the car runs nicer on the more expensive… of course. Next was a stop at the Dollar General for the “detail brushes” to work a bit more on the boxes at the post office, and they had that Mr. Clean stuff on mark-down! So I grabbed 2: one for the Nanuk jacket (to get the cigarette smoke out) and another for lavage. Spent more than I wanted to, but it was worth the savings, I suppose. – CAR WASHED TOO! I drove through the 11$ job to get some more ice off and to put a bit of a cheap “wax” on it. One might wonder why, but what I can’t put into the mechanics, I put into the body. It looks a bit better now and hopefully, in spite of the 17°F, this will help get rid of SOME of the ice that’s built-up all in the wheels and such. – Drove round and into the Falls and FOUND THE LAUNDRY! Right beside the liquor store and RiteAid. Hey hey hey! I can get the jacket washed! Yay! One of these days. Maybe tomorrow morning before work. We shall see. – And took the 105 back to the house… open, dry road and a good wind to dry the car a bit more. – Walked into the house at about 18.00 to find HLS and Jester puttering about, looking all serious about what-ever they were doing. I get in and it’s SO SO VERY obvious that the atmosphere in this place grows heavy when I come in. I don’t know why, exactly. But I can well imagine the “talk” that goes on behind my back around here. No trouble. They get their income… fuck it all the rest. Shit… as I repeat: I don’t eat your food, run up your water bill… nor the electric, really, for that matter. The heater in the room is there because I will NOT go through another Winter of 10 and 12° in that room as was last year. I busted my arse and back to get and keep a JOB, with no assistance from this house-hold. I busted my arse and back to get this shit-hole together, and I’ll never forget that Saturday… “help” with giving the scrap metal away, to be told that I was being “a dick” when I said that I couldn’t. FUCK YOU! Seriously. Oh well… mustn’t dwell. Karma… – So I came up to the COLD room, put water on for tea and downed 2 Naprosyn in the hopes of getting to bed early. I calced my hours for Friday’s submission, calced the rent payments (at 500$/month now). Slow-but-sure, catching up. Not that I give a shit, really. But I keep thinking of their income and the “… but we don’t have the money”. Fuck YOU! You have the booze and the food, the special TV and … your little “ATM” (Jester). So get the fuck up off me… Learn to live with-in your means… People… make me sick! – At the moment, I’m just waiting for the chill to leave the bed and the room. One more smoke and I want to wrap this day up and put it on the shelf. I’m tired, and in a bit of pain. –
22.15 I was ready for sleep at 20.00 but Viv was on the Skype. We chatted… mostly about Homelessness. It was good, I might suppose. She watched the video of Bellevue and the one of the kid standing on Madison Ave. in the cold for 2 hours and being helped by a Homeless guy. Word out, again this evening. She told of driving past the Homeless in MTL (as she put it this evening… “in this city you call home”… indeed) and stopping to talk with them and giving them a buck. It had me in tears when I told her that that’s the most precious gift: the acknowledgement and the talking “with”… a bit of dignity. And, I can’t help but think: wouldn’t it be nice if those videos got more attention… AND… now she has a better idea of what it’s all about. I don’t know that it will make any difference in the world or what-ever, but for a moment, it has, I would imagine.- Got throttled on fesses-book. Got slammed by the gun-controll crowd here in Versmarde. Fukkem! The lot of them. I need to get my Colt before the shit hits the fan. – And on that note, I’m checking to see about my speaker order on Amazon and getting to sleep. – Jester has an appointment in the morning. 7.30 it claims As if I give any more of a shit about them than they give about me. Oh well.. another night in Fuklin… just another night. – Oh OH OH!!!! The speaker has “shipped”.. AND….. are we ready for this? From NEWBURGH! WELL FUCK THE HELL OUT OF ME THEN! I checked the “reviews” of other people’s orders… MOST (4,5 stars) are great… vague, but good. The bad ones are where the shit-head sent the wrong or a broken/used item and gave the buyer a hard time. Well… Newburgh is it then, eh? We shall see… indeed we shall. Fuck with me and I’ll just add you to my list of “visits” one day. – Newburgh.. what a fucked-up way to end a day.
Thu.26.Feb: 7.24 MY BACK IS OUT!!!!! PAINFUL THIS MORNING! SO PAINFUL. I wonder… the cold shower on Tuesday? Cold shower and stress and then the fucking dogs yelping. I shouldn’t doubt it. But the aggravation of having to wait for the shower, followed by the cold shower, followed by the stress of going in to count the drawer… just stress… and cold. Bottom line: MY BACK IS OUT!!! AND IT’S PAINFUL! – Then, some-how, this computer ran through the night and ran itself down to nothing so it almost wouldn’t start this morning. And yet, it’s at 70% in the moments it took to type this. Something is terribly wrong. And I do not have another 300$ to get a new one. Nor do I trust anybody in this hick-state t repair it. (Or, maybe it’s the comments I make on soc.med… and the damned thing got hacked. One never knows these days. One never knows.) Well, this screws ANY plans for going to the laundry with the jacket, returning empties to the bottle claim and a whole lot more shit and crap this morning. And tomorrow? The “errands Friday”. I don’t know… – 10.03 PAIN! (nap time) – 17.36 in bed, had enough. The day went well. I guess I worked the kinks out of my back until… on the Kane rd. the “kinks” returned. The sun was shining, it looked like a late Summer evening and that it should have been MUCH warmer. But the cold is still with us… which, for me, if fine. – I get to the house and am exhausted. I get INTO the house in silence and some bitch knocks at the door and the dogs all start in. I get to the parlour door and HLS says “You just missed the raucous.” The 3 of them have their little tray-tables set up and are stuffing their faces. Gee, I must have come in too early. And to think, I was going to go to the Walmarde… oh well… tough shit for yooz. So I came up tot he room, put the water on for tea, fixed the bed-linens which stink like rotting Homeless people and I don’t give a shit… put 5 tea-lights into the pots, water on top, a little scented oil in the water… I’m in my “jammies”, tea at bed-side, little heater going for extra warmth. The bed-warmer on “2” lights and I’m waiting for the Naprosyn to take hold… I am SO out of this day this evening! Don’t want to be a part of any of the rest of it. Tomorrow? Early to check on-line for the deposit, calc what I want in cash… to the CU and… depending on how I feel, either Walmarde for a browse or HOME for business. If not HOME tomorrow… there’s the week-end. Viv will be out of work the coming week still, so we can get together in Bedford or where-ever in that time. For now? It all depends on how my back is in the morning… and the weather too, of course. – Oh… and the car is a mess again. The roads aren’t all that bad, but there’s enough to make the car white with crud. – I SO want to get out of this town…. PLEASE? – 18.49 Time for lights-out. No Viv for a couple of days. Her computer is comput and in for repairs. I feel “cut off” now. Maybe I’ll put money on the phone and call. We’ll see. But that puts a whole new schedule on my tomorrow… no pressure. Nice(ish). – Well… I’m out for the night. Probably awake at 2.00 but… the pain in the back and the depression of being … here…. I’m sleeping this one away. – The month has been posted on-line. The soc.med. is done… including e-mails. Done. Goodnight Irene! – 23.44 I couldn’t get to sleep! Tossed and turned and such and finally gave up and had a tea at 20.30. Ever since… PATTIECHINOIZ has gone WP, GM, FB!!! Haddie Nuff is nothing… Pattie Chinoiz will be taking the air from here on in. Let’s see how long that lasts. – Anyway, it’s miserably warm in here, the bed stinks of rotting me, I need to get a nap in to be awake and ready to run tomorrow… probably to both banques and I want a smoke. So… – 23.55! I’m WAKE! That friggin lie-down put me into an over-drive. Oh… it’s going to be quite the interesting day. I can see it now. Oh well… all because of Pattie Chinoiz.
Fri.27.Feb: 6.25 I woke, thinking, vaguely, about where I’d put the phone, not sure where. And as I laid in the bed, pondering, the alarm sounded. Funny way to wake up… especially after not getting to “sleep” until mid-night. – The bed was cold, the warmer had gone off. The room too, was chilled. When I woke, my back felt better…. until I tried to get up. The “zing” is still with me this morning. And the pressure. But then… this is only day 3, there are at least 4 or 5 more to go before this starts to recover. Oh well and alas. There’s nothing that can be done except to wait it out. – Time to get to the financials of this day. There are errands to be run. Thankfully there’s no pressure on time… yet. – HLS is in the bed and so I could wash the bed linens this morning. But I don’t feel like doing so. It’s to be a week-end of funky linens. And I simply do not care. – For now: On with the day. – 20.31 Notes: There was no fucking hot water again this morning. I went to the loo, met HLS in the hall who informed me. So it was… brush the teeth, wash the face and fuck me out the door. – To the CY to change the tax cheque and pull my salary out… QUICKLY PRONTO! Then, a browse through the Walmarde for ammonia to clean the boxes. Got a wire brush too that proved useless because it’s just too coarse, and some new air freshener for the office. By the time I’d done my “browsing”, it was time to bomb off to the office! And so I did. – Ah… but today, the speaker arrived! From… Newburgh. I looked for the place on the Zgoole map and WHAT THE FUCK? I CANNOT BELIEVE THE INTERCHANGE FOR UNION AVE, 84 AND THE THRUWAY! AND UNION AVE IS NOW SIX LANES WIDE! But looking at it depressed me so much. All of that development in a place that was so “no-where”. I remembered ETC and driving in the pitch black darkness up to Meadow Hill (which has become “settled” and looking ‘taken for granted”. When I left the office this evening, I was “out of it”, depressed. – I left at about 16.40… how nice… and decided to take the Tyler Branch into Enosburgh … for vodka. I SO wanted a drink to get to sleep tonight! SO SO MUCH SO! – THAT road is rather amazing and the perfect counter to the Newburgh development. It winds along and suddenly turns into a dirt road, which, in Winter, well… I didn’t want to take any of them, with the wheels on the car going back and forth and side to side, but it was really in rather good condition! Through the no-where, by the nothing, beautiful views, and the golden sun setting. It was ever so nice. – Well then… I got to Enosburgh, got my vodka, checked the “Laundry” for hours… they’re open until 18 and 19.00! Too bad I won’t try them on a week-end though… I imagine they’re probably rather busy. But if I decide to try… there’s Sunday… a way to get the fuck out of the house and away! YAY! – Stopped at the 11$ car wash too, again this evening, in the hopes of getting more ice off the car. (It didn’t. Oh well. That shit’s on there for the duration at this point.) – Coming back along the 105 though, that “boat” driving bit happened again. Honestly, I’m wondering if the ice isn’t actually holding the car together. (Real Vermonters don’t wash their cars… it loosens the rust… and that’s what keeps the car together… except in Winter when it’s the ice build-up that keeps the car together… and wind-proof and insulated… no doubt.) – It was a casual drive back to the house. I just can’t take coming into this town any more. It actually, and seriously makes me quite ill. – When I got in, Bobo and HLS were all so “charming”, inviting me to look at photos and videos on the lap-top and phones. Oh, how lovely to sit and schmooze… NOT. But I did, for a while and then came up to the room, put the heater on, cleaned the pee bottles and got coffee/tea water. It was 17° in the room this evening… it’s getting warmer… at last(?). – Strange, though… ONE drink and BLAMMO! It hit me quite and rather hard! But… I had another… for good measure. My back is still painful and I hope that the drinks will over-take the pain in the back and I’ll pass right out into sleep – 23.57 FINALLY GETTING TO SLEEP HERE! 2 v-tons and too much on the soc.med. Fun shit again for a while and ANOTHER quite Conservative woman on the “Friends” list. Honestly… why women? This one made a derogatory reference to me being Gay… I admitted so, with a simple “Point 1. Yes.” reply. Quite honestly, people are stupid beyond descriptions. SO WHAT THE FUCK that I am? You know shit-all-fucking-nothing about me and how my life has been… I slapped together a “meme” and posted:
I fuck with manly men who fuck with girlie girls to prove themselves manly men and you call me pansy ass.
Futcktards… This day is done.
Sat.28.Feb: 7.12 Heard the 5.00 alarm… turned it off… went back to sleep… woke at about 6.30… feeling like shit. 2 drinks too many last night. Sun’s out. Bitter cold. I want, so much to go right back to sleep. Back is still out. – Jester’s already been in the shower. Well of course. In the even there’s no hot water, best to wash the Welfare state. – I’m tired. And it’s off to work I go. – 15.56 and another 3-hour “nap”… and still so damned tired! Saturday. But the sun is shining, which is something to … well… it’s something. – I was miserably exhausted this morning and dragging the moments along when Bobo came to the door to ask when I’d be using the shower. Seems they were all going on a bit of a road trip to get the new wheel installed on the car. How lovely for all of them. So I got up, quickly took my shower and was off. – Work went ever so well this morning. Money orders and such. Nice deposit, though nothing in the way of revenue. And, I was out of there by noon. – Got a second complete row of boxes cleaned too. And only customer annoying calls this morning. How lovely that was. – When I got out, I would have liked, very much, to take a trip HOME but I just COULDN’T! It took all I had to stay awake driving back to the house. And when I got back… empty house. I came in, came to the cold room, put on the heater and got into bed. Done. – And so, the sun is shining, the house is quiet and I don’t even have the energy to type. How awful is that? – I considered doing the wash… but will wait until Monday morning… and hope that I can get it done then. The bed-linens stink of “Homelessness”… it’s disgusting, really. Come to think of it, I too, stink a bit of the same. And yet, this morning, I bathed. Oh well… j’m’en câlisse. – 19.04 DONE! THE WASH! DONE! BED-LINENS, CLOTHES, HOOVERED! DONE! And all before they got back into the house! I AM GOING ABOUT HERE, IN THIS ROOM, REPEATING “OH YES! OH YES!” Doesn’t take much to satisfy these days. But I didn’t think I’d get it done! And now? Hopefully the weather reports are a lie and there won’t be 11cm of snow on Monday morning and I can get HOME to the banque and all will be delightful in Paradise! OH YES! – Now… back to fesses-book for a bit. – OH TONIGHT TO SLEEP IN CLEAN SHEETS and JAMMIES! – Oh, but I looked at a street-view of Hill Street earlier… “The Rocks” are gone. The road to the pump-houses is gone. They changed the name of End Street to Hob. Tarr Oval is “Todd Oval” (fucktards). There’s all sorts of loopy roads going every which way. AND DRURY LANE is now a MAJOR paved almost highway called “International Drive” and “NY 747”. WHAT a bunch of in-bred morons. The little town is a mess. They’ve named shit, changed names, fucked it all up quite royally. Oh well… It could be depressing but… I’m just happy I wasn’t any part of all of that shit. – 23.45 Now I wrap this day all up… getting under clean sheets, in clean jammies, in a clean ME! Showered and all! – I tried to feed the dogs this evening… only Ellie would eat. I can’t care. I’ve done my soc.med. bullshit and need to get back to Twtr… fesses-book is full of morons, in my opinion. – The others returned at almost 22.00… no care nor concern for the “pets”. Typical. – But I am clean, my clothes are clean, my bed is clean and the room is Hoovered. I’ve had another 2, rather light, v-tons and am HUNGRY! But there’s nothing of any real value to eat. I need to get the fuck out of here, to a place where I can eat… FOOD! – But… the place is clean.. and I’ve no alarms for the morning.
