bis wir uns wiedersehen liebe Mama

Thu.!.Aug: 6.15 WOW! There’s a major wad of steel in my chest this morning. August is here. And it’s quite painful… already. – 9, 22, 30. And we’re off and running. – 6.33 Garbage out. Smoke. And already, just as the sun comes up o’er yon hills, it’s a warm start to the day, bearing truth to the “seasons”: Autumn, Winter, Mud and August. Forecast was for temperatures in the high 20’s today, with heat index in the low 30’s. And that means I have one month ahead to get clothes for the Winter. How? Not a clue. But… It’s time to get some important shit accomplished this morning. KADIMA! – 6.53 OO! BAD BAD cramps in the loo this morning. I wonder what the hell is in there. Can’t help but think that both Bob and Lyle had “troubles” yesterday. So it isn’t just me alone. We’ll see what the rest of this morning brings. – It’s now 2.28 on Friday morning. The first day of the month is already gone. Nothing much got accomplished today, primarily because the weather report kept promising rain. The rains didn’t come until about 18.00. Meanwhile, I sat in the room, gathering photos of the past few days, trying to figure out what I’d done with any entry for the 25th of last month. My mind is like Swiss cheese: holes in the memory. And this month won’t make it any better, to be sure. – Meanwhile, Bob came in from work, Franks and macaroni salad for dinner… and indeed, I did eat this evening. I was quite hungry! – Good news: FS came in for the month. But I also got a phone call: I have that telephone interview and I must get that done tomorrow! (Or, as it is, today.) – Bob’s lost a Flash-drive and the poor guy’s a mess over it. And I can well understand. Even at midnight he was still awake looking for it through the house. Even called-out from work on Friday because he’s so upset. I do feel terribly for him. I know what it’s like (having lost one in SIBL a few years ago and having had to re-cap as much of what was on there as is possible). – As for Friday, I was supposed to bring Bob in to St.A. and take the car, bring Randy to BTV and bring the car back for Lyle. Then the plan was the Lyle would come with us in the morning (at 6.00). The last I know is that all 4 of us are expected to go! Well? Me? I’m not so sure about that. See, I need to get to the PO and I don’t want to ask for that lift. SO… IF the weather holds, I’ll be back on the Rail Trail in the morning and off to “Home”… Richford… on the bike. It’ll take the day, I’m sure. But that’s fine. Yes, it might be nice if I went along with the crew so that they could use my FS to buy food (since I’m included in dinners and such). But, as I say: I want to get to Richford and Lyle has plans in the afternoon, Randy has plans in the morning. Nobody else in the house is “fit” to ride a bike. Looks like I’m pedalling my bony arse across VT tomorrow. – And so, with this entry for the first day of this month, and all the photos up-loaded to this server and posted where they should be… I have about 3 hours in which to “nap” now, and a LONG, LONG day ahead. – Oh, and none of my “spell checks” are functioning any longer. This lap-top is one GRAND piece of utter shit! – Hello August. FML

Fri.2.Aug: 8.22 And at about 6.00, a knock on the door and Bob comes in all awake and cheerie. He and Lyle were awake as late (early) as I was but here they were, both of them, up and dressed already. So, although I’d much rather go back to sleep, I got up, had my coffee, went out back with Bob for a morning smoke. But, we discussed: they want to do some shopping (Randy has the discount card and FS) and I really have nothing at all to do in BTV (and don’t particularly want to go into BTV anyway). If I went along, I’d just take space that they could use for groceries (the car doesn’t have much space and just about no “trunk”). I need to get into Richford to the PO, so I could bike in whilst they shop. And that was agreed. By 8.00 they were on the road and off and I’m in the house with the zoo. And…? The skies are turning dark. 60% chance of rain all friggin’ day! Bike? I’m not too certain. LAUNDRY? ABSOLUTELY! (Esp. since it seems that my room is the only one in the house that’s not infested with fleas… and I’m keeping it that way). Still, I was looking forward to getting into Richford today. Oh well… maybe tomorrow. Maybe Bob’ll run me over in the car. Who knows? Meanwhile, I have things that I should accomplish with this time and accomplish them I shall! – Oh, and its nice to be trusted in the house, alone. Trust. Imagine that. – 8.52 DELUGE! Laundry time. No Richford this morning. DAMN IT! – 12.01 The laundry’s done. Hoovering… check. FS/VHAP interview… Czech-check. And the sun is out (for how long? I wonder). The temperature is heading for mid-20’s. And me? I’m trimming the beard and making a RUN for it to the PO (I think). Well! At least I’ll eat for the next couple of months AND I have health insurance (in case of coronary on the bike, I suppose… may that happen ONLY NORTH of the border and be the “Big Bang”! in that event). So! “Accomplished”. BFD. – OK. Recap of the rest of the day: The guys returned from their trip “to the city” (BTV) and much grocery shopping. I’m to understand that Randy cleared his FS acct. completely. I don’t know what the arrangement is for him staying here, but then, it’s none of my business, really. Still, when it’s mentioned, I feel rather uncomfortable: I’m asked to join dinner and honestly? I don’t really contribute much to the food (because I don’t expect to be fed, I don’t expect to be provided-for when it comes to food, I don’t expect to be treated in any particularly special manner, particularly where anything other than, let’s say, laundry is concerned… to me, this is a rented room and that’s the extent of it. I’ve come to know that I’m appreciated here, for the company, for the financial help my rent provides. But there’s still, to me, that bit of “distance”… Indeed, Bob and Lyle are “friends”, and I enjoy that tremendously!!! Truly! And yet, I’m a “tenant”… or at least that’s how I view it. At any rate, I’m more than willing to contribute to the food in the house-hold. I just hope that’s understood by all.) So, that said… Bob asked if I’d gotten out of the house to run my errands and when I told him that it had rained on and off all day so I didn’t, but will do so tomorrow, he told me to take the car to run to the PO! I felt rather and quite odd about it so I asked him if he’d want to take the run into Richford, see the house I lived in. He drove and we went. When we got into town, he wanted to stop at Sue’s to browse. WELL! When we got there, Sue remembers me. Asked if I was still living in the house. Yup… I’m “Richford”. Told me about their new renovation project. Said that she knows Don’s daughter. AND… they’re re-painting the house! GREEN! Not a bad green, but my blue Victorian is no longer. Oh well. Even in Richford, things change. Hopefully for the better. (Of course, Sue never mentioned anything about offering a rental so that I could return. Then again, I can’t afford it right now and, I’m focused more on getting work to continue helping Bob and Lyle who truly need the extra more than Sue and her husband. Maybe, one of these days, I’ll return to Richford. Oddly, that’s actually “Home” to me.) – Mail today consisted of little notices from the NEFCU about the new account, the letters of rejection on credit applications, and a notice of “damage” from Avis that sent me into a nose-dive. (I replied to it already, via e-mail and will phone on Monday when their office is open.) Other than that… nothing. Still, I’m glad I went. – The drive with Bob was better than if I’d gone alone. He knows all sorts of roads that I’ve wanted to travel, so it was a delight. I often wonder: if I’d come to the North at first, instead of spending time in Chittenden, would I have settled into VT much easier, much sooner? Indeed, THAT county certainly isn’t anything like this county. Although, I still feel a bit uncomfortable in St.A. because JSan is there and I NEVER want to bump into her again! But the country-side up here is amazing at every turn in the road. It’s really just incredibly beautiful. (And… of course, easy trips HOME.) – And so, the day went along and pizza was ordered from the market next door for dinner and yes, I ate… the pizza was “everything imaginable”, but filling and nourishing. After, Bob, Randy and I sat out in the back for a while. Weather turned ever so nice… A bit on the chilly side, thankfully. But even that reminds me: I have no warm weather clothing and the cooler weather will be here… soon. Oh well. The 22nd is my cut-off. – Evening turned to night and I came up to the room, checked a few things on-line and was ever so exhausted. Hey! It was a day of running on precious little sleep. But, all said and done… yet another enjoyable (despite the weather fluctuations) North Country day.

Sat.3.Aug: 9.48 This morning’s alarm sounded at 6 and I laid in bed, semi-conscious, thinking of all the things I could and probably should do with this day. I thought it was only moments… it was an hour! So up and at … what-ever. And to think, I put out the lights last night at 22.30. Hmm… tired. – I’ve been checking the Flash drives for files and music. SO MUCH I can’t find! And other files that bring back some jolting memories of the Winter passed. And at moments like these, I wonder about SB and how he’s managing. But as has been said: I’m sure his “mommies” are running his life just fine. – The weather began ever so sunny this morning and now, it’s beginning to cloud-over. I’m trying to figure where I’d like to bike to today to get out of the house and into the sun (whilst ye may). This will NOT be a day inside! – Well…as it turned out, this WAS a day inside! The clouds and rains came and went and came again. I stayed, prettymuch, in the room for the most part.But the other three! Well… chili, corn-bread, quiche(!), blue-berry pie, scones(!) and, at the very end, a “French toast casserole”. It was a “Cook-off” in the kitchen! They were all at it all through the day! It was really quite amazing to witness. (Shame, really, that I don’t do any cooking. But the truth is, I actually don’t know what to cook here. The brain is void of any sort of ideas. When I spoke with Randy about it, it sort of made me a bit on the sad side. I sued to bake almost as a 2nd nature. I could cook roasts of beef, turkey, all sorts of German fare, Québec fare. Today? Blank.) Dinner was delicious and really rather “country” this evening. The chili was delicious and filling and ever-so satisfying. The pie was really quite wonderful… with “real” blue-berries from out in the yard. – Later, we all sat out on the front stoop for a bit. Then Lyle and I watched PBS specials on music of the 60’s which brought SO many memories rushing back (for both of us, but brought tears to my eyes, good years, good memories and some heart-breaking memories – Denis, Mr.G’s, and of course, above all else… Mum.) Now and again, Bob and I went out front for a smoke and we talked about wondering where people were coming from and going to at 23.00 and 24.00. This town isn’t on the way to or from any-where, honestly. Yet, there was traffic in the middle of the night. Strange. – Oh! Earlier this evening, Bob, Randy and I were in the back yard with the dogs when suddenly, Randy’s Chica began barking at something by the corner of the house where she’d been just standing. SUDDENLY she bolted behind the house for no apparent reason and when Bob said “I wonder what scared her…” I just said “Border Patrol…” and he broke out in a hearty laugh. Border Patrol passes here regularly, though not as often as in Richford, and Chica is a chihuahua, so there’s much joking about her being “Mexican”. Later this evening, as we all sat on the front, they passed again, only this time, the turned round right in front of the house, and of course, more jokes about Chica being discovered. (Hey! I’ve been the brunt of humour all along. The association with Richford and all. But all is in good fun.) – And so, the night ran along and by about 1.00 we all retired to out little corners of the house… well fed. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t get to sleep so I logged-on for a bit, replied to a few political and other social media comments, looked through some blogs and such. I didn’t actually get to bed until almost 2.30 this morning… But what a wonderful day, all told. No travel. But a delight at any rate.

Sun.4.Aug: 11.09 To begin with, I’d had almost all of yesterday’s entry caught-up this morning when the bloody-fucking lap-top crashed… AGAIN! Total piece of shit, this Toshiba lap-top. Complete piece of shit! The whole entry… lost. So now, after a hearty breakfast, I’m going to try to recap from the photos I took, with the phone, of the screen that got lost. Fuckall arses. To think Toshiba would make such a piece of shit and pawn it off for 300$. Just another statement on the course of life in general: Bull-shit! – 11.36 Just waiting for Bob and Lyle to wake so I can get to the kitchen to do the dishes. I’ve JUST RE-typed yesterday’s entry. And the skies are grey, and again, rain, on and off. Another day shot to shit. (I’m just hoping Randy isn’t in the kitchen doing the dishes. – THIS morning was… First of all, I got to sleep(?) at after 3.00, but woke again at 6.00 with HORRIBLE leg cramps. The nights are getting cold again and the cold in the feet causes cramps in the legs. Standing didn’t help, putting socks on didn’t help. I did, at long last, finally drift back to sleep only to be awakened again at about 8.00 by the cramps again. Once again, standing didn’t help. The “cold” returns… too quickly. (And I still have no idea on how to get any warm clothing. This will be another event like when darling “sister” dumped the storage and I spent an entire Winter, in NYC, with nothing more than a corduroy shirt and a hooded sweat-shirt. Oh well… I doubt it will come to that point this year anyway.) – I finally got out of bed when I re-awoke at 9.45 and at about 10.30, a knock on the door: Bob… Breakfast was ready. And WHAT A BREAKFAST! The French toast, with syrup (VT maple, of course), fruit salad. STUFFING to the point where it brought thoughts of following it with a trip to the barn to tend the live-stock, then plow the fields, and other such country-farm chores. REALLY FILLING! And really quite pleasant. – Right now, I’m just waiting for Bob and Lyle to wake from a nap (and I’m about ready for one my-self here). They’ll be out to visit Lyle’s dad and I will be doing the dishes (as I say, hopefully Randy isn’t doing them as I’m up here in the room. I know it isn’t intentional, and I’m sure he feels as if he’s contributing by doing things round the house, but I feel awkward when he does these things and I don’t get to “contribute”. Just this morning, when I said B&L should shower before the dishes get done so as to have hot water, Randy made a comment about me returning to my room to use my computer “again”, “like you usually do”. I doubt he meant harm by it, but… Oh well… in the long run, it will be of no particular consequence at the rate things are going of late.) – And so, the sun teases. The breeze is coming in from the North this morning. I’ll have to check the forecast. If permissible, I might make a run for HOME today. If not? Who the fuck knows or cares? I’m just in that mind-set today. – PS: The bloody “spell-check” isn’t functioning on this piece of shit lap-top. Ah… 300$ pissed up the arse. – 22.13 Québec Country music on the lap-top… French. How absolutely wonderful. What a super way to end a day and a week-end. French. Not spanish. Not chinese. Not even English. French. Québec. HOME. – The whole day wound-down delightfully tonight. Dinner: lasagna! Filling! Stuffing! And tonight, Lyle told Randy and I, at table, how much he enjoys having us here in the house. Comforting and disturbing. Rent. Job. Income. Concerns. Grave concerns. – I didn’t get HOME today, but all said, it was a delightful day here at the house. I picked more blue-berries this evening. about a quarter of a large stock pot! And there are SO many MORE to be harvested! Amazing! (La Belle Gaspésie is playing on the web-radio! A tune I know! I’m HOME-sick now.) Bob says it’s the most they’ve had in about 3 years. And there will now be SO many to freeze for the Winter months to come. May all enjoy and my efforts not be for naught. – This evening, Bob put the “Gay” flag out in front of the house. These two are amazing and amusing. “Gay” hasn’t been “an issue” for me for so many years and yet, here, it’s still a matter of “pride” and such. (Speaking of which, “Pride” takes place here this month, or so I believe. This is supposed to be the “warm” month. These days, that doesn’t seem to be the case.) But, if it makes them happy, it’s great. (I want to find a way to display the HOME flag in the window. There are many Québecoises coming by on bicycles.) – Anyway, tonight I am stuffed from eating. And I even just finished a dish of ice cream! I washed most of the dinner dishes and got thanked for that as well, when, in fact, I enjoy it. But it’s nice to be appreciated. And I’ve not felt other-wise since my arrival. – And now, Bob is in bed, Randy just turned off his lap-top and will be in bed soon, Lyle is down-stairs (a tune about the Gastineau now playing. HOME-sickness goes deeper) watching TV. As I came up the stairs just now I thought “How strange that he’s so used to having a house full of people, and Bob too enjoys the company. Then me: so accustomed to being alone and “company” in the house is, well, something I rather avoid.” But, I do spend as much time with the others as I can. – Other-wise, I need to get back to the afghan soon. I’ll need… NEED it soon. I almost dread tonight and the coming cramps in the feet and legs again. – I can’t believe how quickly the time is passing, and how quickly the time has already passed since I got here. Too quickly. And I still feel I’ve accomplished nothing. But, the night air is cool, the North winds are crisp. I don’t know what the weather has been in NYC. But today I thought about how EW and vanZini no longer keep in touch. I must be on the top of the major shit-list down there these days. I’m angered, briefly, when I think of how much shit there must be going round about me. I wonder how vanZini made out with his housing issue. I hope the cats are cared-for. I’m a bit disappointed in his attitude toward me, cutting communications. I’m rather thrilled that EW has cut communications and am very well past that all. “You’re very quick to write people off.” he’d told me. I’d just like to say that he can bloody well go shove something up his arse and something more down his throat to the point of extreme pain. I was SO abused for those 2 months and apparently, he’s rather proud of himself. Lies. Oh well. – NYC is over, done and gone. Tonight I closed one window in this room, and through the others, I look out onto the road… empty and silent. HOME is 8km away… a fine, happy and healthy walk away. And they can drop into Hell and rot. – In closing, an e-mail from Nancy! YAY! Word that she and Scott went travelling. It gives me Joy to hear that they’ve taken time for them-selves. Nancy works entirely too hard and is entirely too under-appreciated. They certainly deserve time together. – And now, I’ll close this all down, get me under the covers with the book for a while and hopefully sleep through the night until more shit to come in the morning. – It’s very good being back up in the North Country. One day soon, I’ll be back in the “South” of HOME. I look forward to that. At least I got up here, left here, and managed to come back… – 22.46 Just dropped an e-mail to Nancy with the link to the “radio” I listen to and as I did, I was wondering, as I do, about SB and according to the gmail, he’s on-line at the moment. He too is quite a disappointment. Often I wonder: does he not communicate because he’s angry with me or because he feels guilty about something? Oh well… more to shed.

Mon.5.Aug:
22.57 HOME HOME HOME! Briefly, but… HOME HOME HOME!!!

 

It was a trip primarily to get cigarettes (and I calculated: exactly the same price, per cigarette, as they would be here… but here, they’d be Camels… stinky US tobacco. So, why not go HOME and get better quality? Besides, as I think always: I bike or walk several hours to get them. I actually “work” for them, so anybody who has anything negative to say about it may just go stuff themselves) and mostly to get back HOME. So, off I went at about 12.30. The young fellow at les douanes was an absolute gentleman. We chatted a bit but then came the point that makes me want to seriously and physically and actually injure: being detained because of Diane Owens and her Days Inn bullshit! It’s been OVER a YEAR now and that bull-shit STILL holds me back! Sours my complete mood and attitude. And there isn’t a fucking thing that ANYbody will do about it! FUCK ME! FUCK HER! AND… FUCK Everything that means ANYthing to her! May she ROT! KUNT!!! (I never hated my father as much as I HATE her. True. And HE beat the blood out of me!) So… (with that out of my system), the young fellow at les douanes told me that he was only following protocol by calling the matter in. He smiled. He was jovial about it. And then we got to talking about how, as he noted, Québec grows blue-berries as part of their agricultural export, etc. BUT… it’s documented that, in the US, there’s a “fly” that bores into the berries and destroys them… SO… one cannot bring US blue-berries across the border. (And then he smiled when he said “Of course, the flies don’t fly across the border.” and I replied “Of course not! You check their papers!” And we both had a great laugh. Ah, then came the calming trip and the knowing that the wheels of that bike and, as I walked a bit, my feet, my “Me” was on HOME soil! The views along the Dutch are really beautiful. The weather was perfect. I felt wonderful. Even the air was full of energy and vitality and just… Peace. Today, I didn’t have to stop and walk as often as the previous trip. My bicycle legs are coming in and, admittedly, I’m learning how to use the bike gears. In St. Armand, the resto across from the magazin général is well on it’s way to having a new roof. In the store, I got talking with a gentleman whom I believe is the owner. Ah… how we talked, again, as if I were a resident of the town. It truly ad honestly is so, SO great to be back. And “back” is how it feels. So we talked about the province, and politics (as usual), and the border crossings and such. An older man, obviously from the States, told of a friend of his, in VT, who used to do carpentry work in QC but, because of the shit he has to put up with going back into VT, he hasn’t crossed the border in 4 years! Really! This whole issue is just a grand bunch of bull-shit, no matter how one looks at it. Meanwhile, the Mexicans are running in AND I KNOW people who are here… ILLEGALLY! Makes me want to punch somebody. Well, one of these days I’ll be across that border and the US can eat shit. – So I got my cigarettes, chatted a bit more. I didn’t want to leave but I felt that I should be back for the dinner hour. So off I went, back on the road, with cigarettes and Coffee Crisps (and a bottle of Gatorade because I’d forgotten to bring a bottle of water for the trip… I was in THAT much of a rush to get on the road HOME). – At les douanes, they were about to close shoppe but the guy saw me coming and opened the little gate (they’re so considerate). The lady in the house between the crossing offices was out painting her house. I stopped to ask her what it was like and how she managed to pass the US customs office. She told me that she was quite happy that they (customs) is there, that, at her age (77) it gives her a sense of security and that they (US) know her vehicle and that she doesn’t trip the little bell/alarm that others passing the border set off in the US office so she goes freely. She was “polite”, not terribly “friendly”, but not offencive either. It was nice talking with her. THEN CAME THE REAL U.S. B.S.!!! 3 cars, VT plates, ahead of me and I had to wait… and wait. Waited long enough, in fact, to notice the fact that the sign (Attendez le feu vert) was WRONG! It reads: “ATTENDEZ LE FUE VERT”! What a bit of shit! Imagine? Not only did the US make a mistake, they don’t even bother to correct it! I had a bit of a chuckle thinking: This is part of the reason why other countries believe that ALL “Americans” are stupid… even the government supports that belief. Anyway… A woman border guard with a nasty, condescending and interrogative attitude that truly needs a major adjustment. “So what made you decide to bike all the way up there today?” And “So what did you buy while you were there?” “A bottle of Gatorade, candy bars for energy on the ride and cigarettes. “Oh? Do the cigarettes give you energy as well?” (Fuck you, really.) Then, when I pointed-out the spelling error on the sign she responded, “And do you think you’re the first person to notice it?” followed by “You know what you should do sir? When you get home, look it up and send an e-mail to your local representative.” I only wish that I’d gotten her name. I’d be delighted to include it here, on this on-line Journal. She has no business being at a border. AND, if she and her kind were actually doing their job, instead of pissing on US citizens, this country wouldn’t have all the trouble with illegals getting in and staying. (And yes, that would include vanZ and EW as well.) – Interrogation done, I was back on the road to Franklin and the weather was still just magnificent! – Made it in just about on time for dinner which was quite good. It wasn’t quite done when suddenly, Bob asked “So you and Lyle are going shopping after dinner?” I had no clue WTF he was talking about but apparently it had been discussed in my absence and decided. Ah, but then… then… is was asked “Do you mind using your card?” FS. AFTER it had been decided that I would. I swallowed my sarcasm and replied “Of course not.” So, after dinner, Lyle confided with Randy on a shopping list and Randy’s collection of coupons. As we were leaving, Lyle said “Randy’s the frugal shopper.” As if to say I had no fucking clue. No, I was not in the best of spirits to begin with on this little adventure. But, I kept it in (thankfully, I have this Journal onto which I can purge). – At the market… imagine this… a HUGE PORK SHOULDER!!! OK. As of today I’ve resolved: It makes me ill, aside from the “Tradition” aspect; when pork is for dinner, I shall refrain from eating from now on. But ah… I walked out the door with 187,38 on the FS card. I walked back into the house with 77,30. And, it was only because we had to go to Hannaford’s for something for the house that I managed to squeeze in 2 boxes of cereal (5$), 2 bottles of juice (maybe 6$) and a jar of coffee (6$) for me. More that I keep harboured safely inside. I don’t mind contributing to the house-hold. I know that food is not included in a rental. But, Randy just put out OVER 200$ in HIS FS into the house and now this? Not to mention, I eat ONCE per day, and I limit my portions to merely “participating” at table. AND… I pay rent. This is becoming, as I see it, abusive. But not for much longer. So tonight, as we sit about, I’m asked if I’d like to attend a Chad and Jeremy concert in Concord NH… on SUNDAY! Lyle got 2 free tickets (from his association with music in his past) but gave the other to a friend. No trouble there, I wasn’t here, he had no way of knowing I’d be even remotely interested. BUT… 30$. Nope. (Not that I was that interested in going anyway. But certainly not for 30$!) Hmmmm…. – All said, I’m only a tad wee bit mildly upset about all of this turn of events but… I WENT HOME TODAY! FTW! HAHAHAHAHAHA! – So, tonight, before going on-line, I got a nice shower (much needed after an afternoon on the road). – It’s chilly again tonight, and I’m reminded that I have no cool-weather clothes. Of no consequence. I don’t care. Seems there’s so much that I really just don’t care about of late. Shit! It was a miserable 2,5 months in NYC and I came Home for a purpose… and that wasn’t to give a shit. – Ah… 2208 Mama?

Got room? Suggesting you find some. See you then.
Love,
me

Tue.6.Aug: 10.42 Been awake from since 6.30 pfutzing on the computer. It was quite chilly this morning. Now it’s getting warmer and I need to get out of the house! Will weed out front in the sun today. Get colour. – Hungry as all hell too. Hmm.. – This lap-top is a fuck-up again this morning… doing things I don’t want. Man! This is just shit. But I keep thinking: 2208.

As for the rest of this delightful day… From 11-16.30 I worked on the garden in front of the house. It got me out and into the grand weather, and into the sun (something we haven’t seen much of this season). It felt good to be of use and to be occupied and to be “playing in the dirt” as it were. What made it nicer was when Bob thanked me for the work and Lyle did also. Bob commented that the garden hadn’t looked that clean since Lyle’s Mum tended it. It was her pride and delight. What a shame that it had, like the garden in the back, gone mostly to weeds. Ah, but then, if I hadn’t gone to Mum’s grave-site, her one wish (that her grave never look as if she’d been forgotten) would have (and probably has) gone to weed. Well, it may not necessarily be noted or appreciated, but when I leave a place, I leave it “attended”. – Bad thing today though: I got quite breathless toward the end to the point of having to stop in the back yard after emptying the weeds out of the garden cart, down in the back. I wonder what brought that on. Perhaps not eating properly all along and not having had anything to drink whilst working? It’s not so much a feeling of “fatigue” as it was just that my body felt as though it wanted to simply “shut down”. From shoulders to the soles of the feet, right into the muscles, it was a sensation of “shutting down”. But, it passed and I managed to just about finish all the garden cleaning. Just have to “adjust” a few long-stemmed hollyhocks when I get the moment. They’ve grown up and fallen over. I have them some-what secured so they’re no longer blocking the side-walk. – But OH, it was beautiful weather during the day though. Tonight is a bit chilly, but not as chilly as last night/this morning. The forecast shows a bit warmer weather coming the next few days. Hey! This is, after all, the “North Country” and this is, after all, August where the day’s might be miserably HOT and the nights might plummet to miserably chilled. Gee, it’s great to be back. – I showered after the gardening, before going to the dinner table, yet, when I “napped” after dinner this evening, I found a FLEA on me! The dogs are INFESTED! I’ve been lucky, until now. Pisses me off! Oh, and “Dinner”? Hah! Dinner. 1 fried chicken wing, a spoon of cucumber salad and a spoon of sautéed squash, a scoop of chips. Nothing other than that to eat all day. But my appetite is shutting-down. I don’t even experience hunger these days. It’s “August”. – The biz about the FS has me a bit bent. No “thanks” for “helping” with the food issue. I’m down to 68,92 for the rest of the month (or the next 15 days anyway). This evening, I went to the market for half’n’half for the breakfast cereal I manged to get for me when Lyle and I went to the supermarket last evening. (I’d also gotten 2 bottles of juice and a jar of coffee for me… Imagine that. How selfish of me.) But at dinner, Randy had taken a chicken breast, couldn’t finish it saying his eyes were bigger than his stomach and he gave MORE THAN HALF of it to THE DOGS!!! (Good thing about that? It was cooked at the market and cooked/prepared food doesn’t go on FS so Lyle had to shell-out cash for it… Awww…. So there it was: costly dog food. The dogs have become so accustomed to Randy feeding them table-food that they now sit beside the table as we eat… Ellie actually barks when she doesn’t get something from Randy! Jeezus Kriste! Fuckall! Really!) – But anyway…. Today, as I weeded I thought: My anxieties around here about things in general are, most likely, my own fabrications. It’s unfair of me to “feel” that anything is “wrong”. Bob and Lyle have been ever so kind and welcoming. It’s just a “tone” quality when they speak. That and, (and this is getting to me) almost every time I begin to speak on a topic of conversation or interject with anything at all, AS I’m speaking, one of the other 3 will begin talking about something completely un-related to what I’d been saying! And they’ll do it as I’m in mid-word. It appears as if I’m being shut-up. So? So I tend not to speak any more. Oh well. Not important over-all. – Tonight, Bob came to the room: “There’s 3 Canadian kids out in front of the store.” (Québécoises…3 young lads, in shorts, speaking French.) I went down-stairs to the front steps to listen to them, wondering, as Bob was as well, what they were doing in town, in the dark, on the street. Soon enough and before I could gather info from eavesdropping, 2 young VT girls drove up and offered to drive the 3 guys back to Québec. Very kind, indeed. But the girls were taking quite the risk. Québec today isn’t the Québec I Loved (and still Love, I must admit) back some 30 years ago or more. But, I was relieved that the kids got a lift. It was almost 21.00, if not later, by the time they were hauled off. – And, I posted an e-mail to Bob’s place of employment this evening for a job there. I’m not happy about it, but I need some money and the company is interviewing and Bob seems happy with the idea of me working there and that he can bring me there and back. He and Lyle are “People” people. They do enjoy a presence of some-one in the house and they are hospitable. And Bob? I sometimes get the impression that he truly does enjoy having me round the house… and not just for the rental income. He’s concerned about Lyle being alone all day and he’s rather happy that I’m in the house (as much as I am) because of my HealthCare back-ground. Oh well. If I were capable of caring one way or another, I’d be happy… for us all. – I’m really quite tired tonight. Not in the general sense of the word. More like my entire body and mind are beyond “exhausted”. Something like breathing in an environment of little oxygen. Spacey-ish. – 22.11 and time to call this day “done”. – I’m itchy… in spite of the hearty shower (washed 3x!). FUCKING FLEAS! – (This is a re-cap. I’d done a “bullet list” of items because I’ve not been feeling well at all of late. But, it’s 20.50 on Wednesday and I’ve recapped Mon. and Tue. Now, at 21.19 on Wed… time to get to… today!

Wed.7.Aug: 16.30 Truly not feeling at all well after another 3 hours of gardening (back-yard today). Can’t quite figure what it might be. Although, as Bob noticed the other night, my toe is still quite black and it’s been over a month since the walk from Milton. Hmmmm…. – And the DOGS!!! THE DAMNED FUCKING BLOODY DOGS!!! Barking for no fucking reason! Barking when ANYBODY passes the front of the house! Barking when anybody comes in the door! Barking when anybody goes out of the door! I mean… I’ve taken to peeing in plastic bottles in the room so as not to open the door to the room! And these people just stand there and politely address the friggin beasts with a polite “No.” FTS! Seriously! SHOOT THE DAMNED THINGS AND BURY THEM IN THE BACK YARD! One of these days I’ll get MY chance and I guarantee broken ribs. Period. End of story. – OK. I do the gardening (because it’s something that needs to be done and Randy and Lyle can’t do it because of “back trouble” (legit. that). But I walk in the door and “How good are you at cutting meat?” I reply “Is that a reference to Jewish folk?” light-heartedly. “Oh no. I have the utmost respect for the Jewish people and I’d never say anything derogatory about them.” Guess what we’re having for dinner… Pork chops… fried in butter. I know… “Respect for” doesn’t mean “knowledge of” and it’s partially my own fault… I’ve never refused to eat (but I certainly don’t want anybody to feel obligated to prepare something especially for me… even though for me, it’s not merely a “Jewish” thing, but it makes me quite ill every time I do eat it). Oh well. – At any rate, I need… NEED a “lie-down”. Short of breath, rather winded, generally “blah”. Is it because it’s “that month”? Or is it because of “age”? Or is it because… simply because? – One thing I thought of as I weeded the garden today: My “real” reason for coming back up here. MY reason. I damned-well could have stayed in NYC. But… – 21.20 and there’s the warmest breeze coming in through the window. The chimes on the front porch are tinkling and the “Gay” flag indicates that the wind is coming up from the South. Warmth. The forecast for the coming days has a Heat Index in the low 30’s again. August. The fucked-up month. – Bob’s been in and out of the room several times tonight and keeps thanking me for doing the gardening. Lyle commented (to Bob) that his Mum would be so happy to see her gardens being tended. You know? THAT makes it ALL worth the effort… and more. Mums… some of them are just the Greatest people and Lyle Loves his so much that she MUST have been Super. – Earlier this evening, after the nap I took (instead of having dinner… no, I didn’t have dinner tonight… and I’m not hungry at all… no appetite) I went out to have a smoke. Actually, it was quite funny: I went down the stairs, stood in the living-room door-way and nobody noticed that I was there. I even came back in and nobody noticed. Anyway, as I stood in the back to have a smoke, I looked at the yard, all mowed and gardened, and actually, physically felt pulled away, removed, distanced, detached. Hmmmm….. Seems there’s a part of me that’s already leaving here…

Quando sono solo
sogno all’orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
Si lo so che non c’è luce
in una stanza quando manca il sole,
se non ci sei tu con me, con me.

Su le finestre
mostra a tutti il mio cuore
che hai acceso,
chiudi dentro me
la luce che
hai incontrato per strada.

At 21.00 Bob came in to thank me for the gardening in the back! To thank me! I told him that I certainly don’t mind at all. (He thinks I’m not feeling well because I’ve put in a good “10 hours” on the gardening and maybe it was too much time in the sun these past 2 days.) I wonder why he’s going to such lengths to be thankful. Ah me. Perhaps it’s genuine. But I don’t know from “genuine” gratitude with-out a catch. We’ll see… in time. – Meanwhile, Bob and Lyle have retired to bed. Randy will probably be in his room for a while, playing his video game. Me? I’ve got to get these up-date notes on the Journal after I adjust the photos from the trip HOME. But above all, I’ll enjoy the peace that should come, free from the barking bitches (yes, the 3 dogs are female). And then? Crawl back to bed, hopefully to sleep through the night and be rested for the morning. There’s a bit more gardening I’d like to get done. The “heavy” cleaning is done. Now to make it all look neat and tidy. Hopefully the weather will permit a trip into Richford on Friday. Oddly, Bob said that he was going to try to make it here early tomorrow so that he could take me over. I told him not to worry about it… that it’s already on my “agenda” for Friday. (Besides, just yesterday, he was talking about needing money for gas for the rest of the week. These two must have a hell of a heap of bills!… none of my business.) – And the scent of manure wafts in on the breeze… Country living and fertile fields. – LATE NIGHT AGAIN! Got SO caught-up on Twtr with some truly great chatting. And it’s really quite enjoyable of late… primarily because I’ve stopped giving a shit about what I post. I don’t give a shit about this friggin country any more and I surely don’t give a shit about the feelings of people I don’t know and probably won’t meet in person and especially those who preach all sorts of “caring” about the Homeless and do jack-shit fuck-all other than self-serving posts about “I just gave 10 pairs of socks to the homeless”. Bull-shit! Homelessness is still my nr.1 priority and this government and the fucktards in it and in this country don’t DO shit for anybody but themselves. It could all be handled quickly, easily and permanently… but there’s too much money to be circulated in the “business” of it. So… it’s kept alive. – OK. It’s now almost 1.00 on Thursday. And Friday begins the spiral of August. So I should get a bit of a nap here. Not tired, really. A bit hungry. Blue-berries galore in the little fridge but I don’t dare open the room door (Randy’s little bitch dog will bark). So, trapped. Off to bed with a good book from a Good Friend (Nancy). Later is still this new day.

Thu.8.Aug: 23.02 What did I accomplish with this day? Honestly? It seems… fuckall. First thing this morning, Bob came into the room to ask if I needed the car today! Imagine? When I said no, I could get my errands done on Friday or even Saturday, he said OK. Since I didn’t get to bed until late (early) I fell back into a fitful sleep for an hour. – Up at about 8.00 and right into the day. I’m trying to get the photos from the trip HOME on this Journal. There’s quite a lot of work to be done on them. The phone takes shit landscapes and the size of the image is HUGE! So I got drowned in that for quite the while. – I’d thought of more gardening, but the day turned hot and humid! The North Country… August. You can’t tell from one minute to the next what’s coming. – Oh! But today, they “Souper Poop”ed the hay field across the road! MAUDITE TABARNAK DE CÂLISSE LA VRAIE MARDE DES VIARGES EN SACREMENTS!!! The stench is all but intolerable! STRONG! Cow shit! It’s in the blankets, curtains, carpets… everything! Just all but truly incredible! Horrible! It’s not just that gentle “waft” of distant dairy farm! This shit is concentrated, gets delivered by truck and SPRAYED into the field! And it’s just across the road! Even Bob and Lyle are bitching about it. And of course, my windows are on the front of the house… facing the very meadow so when the air even MOVES in this direction it’s enough to gag a breath! “Country living”. MON CUL! – But then… I took a bit of a break, checked e-mails (nothing to report there… STILL waiting for the PO… morons) and such and suddenly, as I’m mindlessly toddling through blogs I keep track of… A NEW BLOG BY A GUY I REMEMBER SEEING W.A.Y. BACK IN THE EARLY DAYS OF INTERNET! Back in the days when all we had was basic AOL! (Oh! The hours of killing his bandwidth, down-loading and down-loading and… ) Well, I read his little intro-blurb-thing and decided to drop him a “Fan Mail”, NEVER expecting… an almost instant REPLY! I’ve been like a giddy school-girl almost all day! He replied. I replied. He replied. It’s been on-going through the day! I’m in utter shock! SHOCK! S.H.O.C.K.! And I have to say, most of the shock is from the fact that he’s been so up-front and candid! Ever the gentleman (with a PhD … of course, that never did really impress me, since I’ve known so many of those over the course of my life-time and well… enough said about that matter) and just SO “Human”! CRUSH! But he’s some-where in Florida these days and well… I’m… the usual. Still, it’s been such a delight… pure and utter delight! Moments of “skipping and hop-scotch”. (I’m a butt-head for true.) – SO! The gardening never got done and it turned time for dinner. Bob came in and oddly came directly up to see me about my application to work down at his job. The HR guy claims he never got my application. So Bob brought another. Now I have to get to the library to print my CV and such and complete the paper application. And I shall. Not sure why, really. But that’s me: keep trodding along with the World. He also came to me to “vent” the events of his day. Yup… I think Bob actually does like me. (Why?) – Dinner: stuffed peppers. Each one was SO huge that it was a complete meal! And yes, I had one. Quite delicious and SO filling! Home-made brownies for desert. I washed the dinner dishes, by hand. – After, I joined Bob out-side for a smoke and he thanked me repeatedly for doing the gardening. Told me again how much he and Lyle appreciate the work I’ve put in. Talked about all their plans for the house and how they were about to sell but have changed their minds now that Randy and I are here and our contributions are helping them so much. How annoying and angering it is: They have to struggle so much just to keep this old house. This whole country is complete shit any more. I’m at the end of all of my attempts at coping in civil silence. It’s all just turned to complete shit… Even the shit sprayed in the fields has some value. This country has none! – This evening, the dogs and cat got bathed. The flea situation is making everybody a bit on edge. Even I have them in my room now! And on me! But the creatures got bathed and tomorrow is major cleaning of linens and Hoovering (I shall do that). – Then, before we all retired, Bob came to say that he’ll let me use the car on Saturday to go to the PO. We talked about the forecast for tomorrow and he said that if it’s going to be so hot, I shouldn’t bike. He also said that he’d appreciate it if I were to take it a bit easy on all the gardening work in the heat. Where does all of this “kindness” come from? (And what am I to do come Sept? IF I’m even still around… the question.) – So, this wraps up today’s notes. – One addition: This morning, as I lay in bed reading (at 1-2am), I had to take the clippers to the dead skin on the soles of my feet. The blisters from last month have become separated dead skin and hardened to the point where it scratched my legs as my feel brushed against them. The toe is still black and the blisters have taken over a month to heal. I… am getting older. Alas… not quickly enough. – 23.31 and time to try for some rest tonight. Much to do tomorrow and there’s more about English to be read. So, on this note I say: Goodnight Dear Nanc… I hope you’re sleeping and resting well. And too, goodnight LE and thank you SO much for the moments of smiling today. You should only know.

Fri.9.Aug: Herzlich Geburtstag liebe Oma.

It was… rainy. All day. It rained. It was, therefore, what I consider, a wasted day of accomplishing just about nothing. No, I did work on the lap-top: search and research. I did receive a confirmation of receipt of the application (application?) for work down and Bob’s job. And I did learn that I’m still in the running for the spot at the local PO. I’m not expecting that to come through favourably. But a confirmation of being “considered” is better than a complete “Fuck Off Asswipe”. Getting that job would open so many opportunities. And that, right there, is exactly why I expect to receive the aforementioned “FOA”. – Tonight was a Friday night of sitting on the front step, having a beer or so. Bob actually told me that if I wanted one, I would have to simply help myself, and there, the offer stood. I had 2. – Randy got REALLY out of hand tonight with the touching and comments and all sorts of shit. Randy got punched in the balls tonight. I warned him once that he was about to get hurt. He chose to ignore the warning. And as I say: I warn twice; I do not warn thrice. Yes, I feel quite awful about having to resort to that. No, I do not feel at all awful, considering he’d been warned before, he’d been warned tonight, he chose to ignore the warnings. I’m quite fed up with the bullshit. I don’t mind good humour. I don’t mind the deprecation-in-jest. I don’t mind innuendo. I DO mind being touched. I DO mind when the innuendo becomes rather serious in tone. I am sick to death of people telling me that I “need to find somebody”. I AM sick to death of the offers to “help” me “find somebody”. I AM sick to bloody-fucking death of it all! AND… today was NOT a good day to get into all that shit. But… Bob defused with humour, Randy continued to be drunk and at one point actually did say that he was sorry. Alas… I AM sick to death of that shit as well. – So, tonight, I came to the room, distracted myself with late-night Twtr (dull) until it was time to curl into the book… until almost 2.00. – This is NOT a “good” month. I’m very tired and very fed up and very just bloody-fucking resentful of ever so bloody-fucking much. – August.

Sat.10.Aug: 20.32 I woke at about 8.00 this morning after sleeping through THREE useless alarms. NOT GOOD! NOT good. – I was on the lap-top when Bob came in. It was about 9.00. He wanted to take me to Richford to the PO. So? So, I went. – Weather-wise, this day couldn’t have been better if it had been by special order. Clear. Blue skies. Delightfully cool temperatures. Almost no humidity! If it hadn’t been experienced, it would have been incredible. – Richford… I still miss that town. I might have been alone, and I did have moments of severe depression (but, oddly, this past Winter has been the talk of the North Country here: SO many people suffered unusually severe depressions this Winter past. I wonder why.), but all said, they were delightful days: shovelling the snow, clearing the ice, watching the snow slide off the roof and turning to icicles, taking photos of that. It was OK. It was Richford. It was the place where the Locals told me I could come “Home” to. And I miss it. – After the PO, Bob decided to take a little drive into St. Albans. We strolled the Farmers’ Market in the park for a bit. Then he showed me where “The Swamp” is just out-side of town. It truly is a “swamp” and has been made into a state park-land. Rather nice. Then we were off over back roads and dirt roads back to Franklin where John was here, visiting. – I wanted to get to St. Armand today to get smokes and some Coffee Crisps for Lyle. It was already going for 13.00 so I quietly left, got the bike and headed NORTH to the border! – The ride today was absolutely delightful (but then… in addition to the weather, look where I was going… HOME!) – North-bound, I stopped to ask an older gentleman what the yellow steel barriers are for. Radiation detection. He took the time to explain something quite un-nerving (and yet, so bloody typical): Some other countries aren’t too particular about disposal of their radioactive waste. It can get tossed into scrap metal that goes to scrap metal yards where it’s gathered, melted-down and some becomes nuts and bolts and the likes. These nuts and bolts and likes get exported… to the US and Canada. And, SOME of them can be rather high in radioactivity, to the point of being a health hazard. Imagine? The US Fed KNOWS about this and a border crossing is responsible for making sure that “not too much” gets into the country! I thanked him for taking the time to talk with me and was on my way. – Les douanes. I had to wait about 5 minutes for the old fellow to finish his tea or what-ever before he came to the little window. He was rather curt, but not disrespectful. Did what they do with my passport in the little scanner and… buh-bye. I was HOME! – The visit at the Magazin Général was sheer FUN! Jo Moore was there today. Recognised me. Heartily welcomed me. We chatted about ALL sorts of things today. And an older gentleman was there, so he too got into the chat. Jo makes me feel SO MUCH at HOME! She wrapped the candy special so that it shouldn’t melt on the trip back. Said it’s a pleasure to see me and get to talking. I must have been there a good half hour or maybe even more! Time passed too quickly. And… I was off, on the way back to Franklin. – Today, feeling a bit on the “adventurous” side, I stopped to get 3 white stones (Québec!) AND… at the woods where I had to walk the bike up the hill anyway… HOME-LAND!!! SOIL!!! I HAVE THE HOME-LAND HERE, WITH ME, IN A NICE JAR!!! My reminder… HOME! THE HOME! “Real Estate”. QUÉBEC!!! – At the US border, a brief wait and a brief interrogation that was curt, blunt, quick, un-pleasant but un-eventful. Megalomaniacs. It was already 16.10 by then. 3 cars with Québec plates headed North… to a closed border crossing, and had to come back through the US! Poor people! As usual, the US guys SAW the cars pass, BUT interrogated the passengers as if they’d come across the border from Québec! What a bunch of shits! Give an ass a uniform. Really! But… me? I was on my way through the corn-fields… WITH HOME IN MY POCKET! FUCK THEM! – On the road back, there was much singing… by me… to the likes of Georges Hamel, Denis Champoux, Pierre Guillemette, Edouard Castonguay! I pedalled. I sang.. SANG!!! – At the house, Lyle was so thankful for the candy. How I wish I could bring him an entire box (but then, hope he wouldn’t eat it all at once.. diabetes). I offered to help prepare dinner. BLTs. And tonight, that actually sounded quite good (pork and all). So I sliced tomato, helped with the table. Randy cooked the bacon and we all sat to eat. Well… I’m not much for reaching for food and much was on the opposite side of the table, so I settled for a lettuce, tomato, mayo on toast. Randy, just not satisfied leaving me alone with the sarcasm and such: “You’re not having bacon? Wassamadda? You don’t like pork?” Bob responded: “We’re having BLTs for dinner tonight and I’m not making separate meals for anybody.” and some-how, that all just came slamming at me! I simply looked at Randy, quietly said “You’ll just never stop instigating.” and excused my-self from table, having taken a bit from my sandwich and having NO appetite AT ALL! When Bob asked where I was going, I calmly replied “Oh, a little walk to Canada.” and I came to “my” room for my iPod and papers. Yes, I was going to head back HOME, and at this hour, with the local crossing closed, it was going to be quite a walk (and I was prepared to even try to find a way across off the road). – No sooner had I come to the room when Lyle came in, rather teary-eyed. He gave me a hug, asked why it all hit me so strongly. I told him, honestly, about this not being my “best month”. He confided that June is his month and then added “I do care about you.” OK. So what am I to do now? I don’t accept such comments well. But I said that I’d simply go work a bit more on the gardening. He asked that I come finish my sandwich. I did. Then washed the dishes and went to the yard where there’s gardening work to be done (and every bit I do is greatly appreciated). – There was gardening, singing and even dancing (alone in the back yard). There was a bit of tears: missing the “Country” days, the “Country” dancing, Oma, Mama, general shit thrown in. – When the gardening was done, I ate blue-berries. The bushes are still LOADED and there was the rest of “dinner” for the night. – So, that done, I came into the house just before dark, SO quietly that even the dogs didn’t notice. Lyle alone in the living-room (or Bob’s asleep on the other sofa… I didn’t stop to note). Randy’s door is closed and the room is dark (though, he could well be in there using only the light of his lap-top as he’s prone to doing). Me? I had 2 burger rolls with Kraft (HOME) peanut-butter on them and a Coffee Crisp. Not so much because I’m hungry. More because I know I must if I’m to hang in here for any length of time. So? So… – 21.23 After crawling under the hedges and pulling weeds, I should be taking a shower… but I won’t. The house is quiet. (And of course, if there’s a “fault” or “blame” it’s all mine. But I can’t give a shit right about now.) But I won’t disturb that by showering. – For a while? A bit of Internet. Then off to the bed with the book for the night. – And I get to look at St. Armand… HOME… in my little silver-topped jar… HOME… here.

Sun.11.Aug: 7.50 Awake on a sunny Sunday morn. Tired. I thought it was… some week-day. Stupid. – 15:41 There’s a nice breeze coming in through the windows, mainly because my window-fan burned right the hell out today! Piece of shit! Bought it in Rockaway, used it one season there and put it into storage. Brought it up here. Got what? Just under 2 months out of it? Oh well. Just that much less to be concerned about. But the sun is miserably hot today. Hopefully it won’t warm the ground up enough to hold the heat to make it too hot in the coming days. But then again, it can’t get too cold either because I don’t have any cool-weather clothes here. Never “OK”. – Got a bit hornswaggled into “helping” with dinner preparations. Shucked the corn, mostly. And guess what is the main course tonight… Baked… HAM! So… guess who won’t be eating (much at all) again, tonight. Oh well. Doesn’t much matter one way or the other. – I need a shower. I need to Hoover the room again too. Bob took the door down this morning to sand it so it would close properly. It’s still the same. But there are paint chips on the floor now. And you know? I don’t care about that either. – I snuck up to the room just now. Not sure why. – But I got a box packed to send to Nancy. YAY! Something accomplished. Tomorrow I’ll swing finances to get it sent. There are items in this box that I’m looking forward to her getting. – 22.16 Another day, another Sunday… done. John came by for dinner again today. It’s a pleasure to see him. Actually, it’s a wonder. When the 5 of us sit around, having a beer, just shooting the shit, as it were, it’s the complete opposite of what the rest of the world would expect. 5 Gay men, sitting in t-shirts, shorts, jeans, work-boots… but not the kind that are bought in the high-end stores, regular “work” clothes that have been work for “work”. We joke, talk… talk about things like crops, cow shit, lawns, agriculture, trucks, auto repairs. It’s just SO completely the opposite of the “stereotype”… and it’s actually wonderful. It’s just a bunch of what could honestly be called “Red-necks”, comfy and cozy at home, in a tiny town, in a rural part of an agricultural border-state in the North Country. We talk about the Winter, the weather, the conditions of the rivers, who got hay this year and how they choose to bale it. And it is… comfortable. (And John actually handles Randy when he gets a bit on the “frisky” side, as he did this evening.) We sat out back for a while, as dinner cooked. (Dinner: Bob made blue-berry pie, a blue-berry “buckle”, and Randy went out back to get black raspberries which Bob added to another batch of blue-berries and made yet, another pie… baked ham, sweet potatoes, steamed squash and corn. Ah… but the blue-berries came direct from the bushes out back, as did the black raspberries. The squash and corn came from the local farms. And I’m pretty sure the sweet potatoes did as well. And, of course, the dinner talk was, along with the usual innuendo and such, about the sources of the food on the table… all local. “Country” folk at the table.) The others sat and had a drink. I played with the Frisbee with Dixie. Ellie joined when the Frisbee-playing changed to playing with a stick. So, 5 Gay men, sitting in the yard, by the barn, drinking and talking shit, playing with the “hounds”. Sunday evening… in Vermont. And it was a pure delight. – Dinner… I had the smallest bit of the roast, just to avoid comment. But the potato, squash and corn were really quite filling! And the pies were delicious (of course). And I did eat quite enough this evening. – After dinner, Lyle headed over to Highgate to a concert, given by friends of his. The rest of us stayed at the house, continued to talk about all sorts of things. John can spin yarns and tell the most insane jokes. And we enjoyed each-other’s company. – John left, Bob, Randy and I sat out on the front steps until Lyle came in. Then we all came into the house… Randy and I put the dishes into the machine, I washed the pots, cleaned the kitchen. Done. – But I never did get to take my shower again today. Imagine that. But I really didn’t do much to warrant one. (Imagine THAT!) – Tired now. But tired most all the time these days. Not depressed tired.Just tired… of so, so much. – As we sat out back, John mentioned that he rents a room in his house to a guy who’s never there. Bob said it would be nice to find somebody like that and rent them (him) the “Media Room”… since he’d pay the rent and never use the room. But then I over-heard Bob say: You know, it’s not about the money… it’s about being happy. (OK. We’ll see soon enough. But then, 2208 isn’t the beginning of a new month.) – Cloudy and cool tomorrow. Rain on Tuesday. – OH OH OH! We got into the talk about Diane Olsen and the Days Inn. John looked at me and said “You must really want a piece of her. I don’t know how you stand it!” and Bob reminded me of how his ex-wife has done the same to him with false charges of child neglect. It was 4 years ago… the case was thrown out of the courts… it still follows him. Honestly? This entire “Nation” is comprised of shit… useless shit. –

Mon.12.Aug: 23.55 Day spent working with the music for the iPod. Although this morning was 10zP for some reason. It just struck! Interesting development. Hasn’t been like that in… well… since Winter! OK then. 10 days. We shall see. – At about 13.00 I finally got to Hoover this damned room and pick up the paint chips. Honestly? If anybody was to see how I am of late, they’d never believe it’s me any more. I just don’t give a jolly fuck. – Then OUT the door and into the yard! Cleaned the garden behind the “garage” and tidied the other garden. So much gardening to be done round here. Bob truly has no time and when he comes in from work, he’s exhausted. Neither Lyle nor Randy have the physical ability to do so. So… in spite of many reasons (legitimate) that I could list that would disqualify me from doing this work, I just get out there and “DO”! Hey! If anything were to happen that might be fatal in any manner (spider bite, &c.) I’ll simply walk out of the yard and head up the road, through the wood-lands and in about 15 minutes… I’m HOME! To Hell with the rest of it. It wasn’t all “uneventful”: Under the soil there’s broken glass which I didn’t find until it cut into my finger. Oh well. I just kept going with the chores at hand… in a manner of speaking. And I thought: How odd that that should be my reaction. It’s those years of being convinced (brain-washed?) that a simple thing such as a cut on the finger, no matter how deep or dirty, one just continues with what one is doing until one has finished. There’s no running to wash and bandage. Just keep moving along. Of course had it been some-one else? THEN it would have been a matter of cleansing and bandaging. – Well, indeed, it all did get done. Not “perfect”, but certainly much cleaner in appearance. There will be time to get to the rest. And if not? It will return to the way it was… as if I’d never been here. That’s the way “Life” is. – CALL FROM NANCY TODAY! DANCE! Hopefully we’ll get to TALK tomorrow. It feels as if it’s been 100 years! – And so, with the gardening done, I actually got to SHOWER this evening! AND trim my beard and shave my neck (which has been bothering me for the longest while). Scrub, scrub, scrub and a couple of la-dee-dahs. It felt SO good to be clean. Now, I’ll just have to include teeth-brushing in the scheme of things. How some-what interesting to think that, once upon a time, I’d never even consider not taking 2 showers per day ane brushing my teeth with each. Of late, I’m rather well-off if I take 2 showers per week! And teeth? Only when I perceive that I have the time. Rotting away… rotting away. – When Bob came in this evening, I over-heard him tell Lyle “You have to put your shoes on and go into the yard and see what he did.” Shortly after, I passed the living-room door-way and got thanked SO SO MUCH for doing the gardens. Lyle smiled and said “My Mother would be simply THRILLED having you here.” The gardens were his Mum’s complete delight. Good. Hopefully now that they’re cleared, some-one will tend them when I’m not. But, I doubt it. – Food tonight was a sneak at yesterday’s left-overs: ham. I didn’t get done in time to trot next door to the market and I knew that I truly had to eat something because it was getting to the point where simply standing was a conscious effort. Oh yes, I did manage to grab many hand-fulls of blue-berries whilst out in the yard. As I plucked I thought of how that’s been the bulk of my diet of late. (And it shows when they come through; I must add.) All the weight that I’d put on in Richford is now gone and I’m even down lower than I was before I’d put the weight on over there. Oh alas and who-the-fuck-cares-really. I made a quick sandwich of a couple of slices of ham and 3 slices of bread, shoved it all down as I sat, alone, in the kitchen. Paper plate, so no dishes. Done. A something for my body to work with… and that will be coming through with a crimp-cramp-and-bang! soon enough. – And the day ended quietly. I came up to the room where I worked a bit more on the music (to think of how much music I’d collected… how much the music meant to me… gone now) and a bit of time on the Internet. There’s still no words from potential employers and the rent will be coming due again ever so soon. Most of me is worried sick… the rest is just being as it usually “be’s”. But… so much for Monday.

Tue.13.Aug: 9.18 The laundry is done. Sheets and the gardening clothes. At one point, as I left the room to get the wash from the machine, the dogs broke out in barking! I pee in bottles so as to not leave the room in the morning and will leave only when the urge to take a shit becomes intolerable. And I do so because I know that there’s a terrible potential for the barking. Lyle and Randy sleep-in until 11.00 or sometimes 12.00 (no matter what hour they go to bed at night) and, well, Lyle has terrible bouts of insomnia and isn’t feeling all too well in general so that when the dogs bark they wake the house. And it makes me SO uncomfortable! So I lock me in the room, often until about noon, just to avoid the noise. Well, this morning, I HAD to get that wash done! But it almost resulted in 3 dead canines. Really! The dogs are closest to Randy and his “Chica” is, for the most part, the first to yip, causing the other 2 to follow along. But when they all get going at it, the “worst” they hear is this effem. little voice, delicately repeating “Girls? No.” in almost a whisper. Really? Slap them all on the nose… or I’ll be taking something quite weighty to their skulls. – 14.04 Not soon after I’d finished that entry… the sky opened and the RAIN arrived! A steady rain. So, no biking, no gardening. But now, the rains have gone and there’s a humidity creeping in on warm air that’s being disturbed by a slightly chilled breeze. Odd weather, even for the North. – I’ve caught-up with correspondences that have been put to the side for a few days. And now, back to the matter of getting the music together. Imagine: The most important thing in my entire life… music. And it was so quick, simple and easy to dispose of. I often wonder if it hadn’t been done intentionally. And, if so, what the hell I did that was so completely devastating to her that she felt she had to respond by doing such a thing. Alas, there are many things we never find out in the course of a life-time. This will be just one of mine. I know I have to let go of the situation. But really… music? – For the past couple of days I’ve been putting a bit of bread on the window for the little birds that come by every morning. They came before I put the bread out, but now that the days and evenings are getting chilly, I thought I’d share what little “food” I have with them. Well, the bread ran out earlier and one little sparrow came by, sat on the window-sill and let out such a loud chirp as if to say “HEY! The bread’s gone here!” It was so cute! (I put more out there for them… of course. It’s almost a “tradition”: In NY, I’d go to the market to get something to eat, bring it to Tribute Park and always, there was something to give to the birds, and often something to give to what-ever was in the bay. I just can’t eat and not give some part of my gift to those little creatures who have to hunt, search and often fight for what little they get. I know, too well, what that’s like.) – It’s already “mid-month” and no word on the employment front. At this rate, the end of this month is going to be quite miserable. Even to begin a new job today won’t help matters. I try not to think about it, but reality is what it is. Then I get on Twtr and see all these so-called “orgs” and individuals and such asking and thanking for the contributions to their “studies” of this, that and the other. And I see the posts concerning the pres. and the expensive holidays, trips and such he enjoys. Today, I saw posts about Oprah Winfrey accusing some sales clerk of “racism” as she considered buying a 38000$ hand-bag! The very first thing to hit me was: Winfrey made that accusation and now that sales-clerk’s entire life can be ruined! It’s not so different from Diane Olsen’s accusation against me! She accused me of theft, and even though the charges were dismissed, the accusation records stay. I apply for work and can’t get any. No work, no income. No income, can’t get a needed car. No car, no work. No credit, no car, no work. No work, no food, no warm clothing for the Winter. Winfrey potentially destroyed the young sales-clerk for life! People like that deserve slow and painful deaths. – Well, that said, I’m back to the list of music. Randy and Lyle will be watching their 3pm show in a bit. Bob will soon be back from work. The house is calm… for now. The town is wet and … well… what else would it be but “relatively quiet”? Save, the rooster across the road. Country living. – 21.36 and I am just about ready to call this entire day… what-ever it is we call them. I’m too tired to care. Half through the music list, 1st edit. It’s going slowly! – Helped stuff the cabbage for dinner tonight. It was really quite tasty. I washed the dishes, before the cooking and after the eating… and again, was thanked for my contributions to the house-hold (gardening, dishes, Hoovering, etc.). It was very nice to hear. Indeed, it was. – No phone call this evening. Oh well. I understand. I truly do. Doesn’t make it easier but I understand. – It was a day of “thinking” as well. That’s never really very good. In only the first days of this month: a pair of work-boots, the little window fan, now the tooth-brush. Things are beginning to “clear” themselves out. At this rate, there’ll soon be nothing to think about. Odd, in its own sort of way that now, of all times, things I’ve had for a while, some that I need, are breaking apart. “Divine Intervention”? Perhaps. Oh well. It matters not a bit at this juncture. The more that shits the sheets, the less I need concern myself with and about. It all is what it is and will be what it will be. – As I stood out front having a smoke, I looked up to the window. I’ve often looked at the windows of so many other places, little lampes glowing with soft, incandescent bulbs, looking comfy, cozy, embracing. That almost beige glow that the “old” bulbs give off. Soothing. When I was in the Shelter, we had only over-head fluorescent lights, glaring down from the ceilings, and occasionally I would, whilst out and about, see a window with that warmer glow and wonder if I’d ever be back in a place with that light. In recent times, I’d been tossed about NYC and into places where the new “CFL”s were in use and again, I missed the “old fashioned” bulbs and their familiar and comforting glow. Even here, in The North, the CFLs are in use. But in this little room, in this little town, a small desk lampe glows… warm and delightfully “old days”. And here I am. But I’m not here for the bask, the bulb, the glow, the gratitude. I’m sure that Randy will appreciate having this room, since it’s much larger than the room he’s in now (the room I was in when I first arrived). His room is truly super though. Small, but ever so cozy. And the guy comes from, as I understand it, years of living with family and sleeping (sleeping?) on a bed parked in the living-room of the house. Here, he has a door… HIS door, and a large bed, and a place to put his belongings. And then he’ll have a larger room with the first light of morning each day. – I wondered today, what today would have been like, had I been the type to have settled-down in a long-term “relationship”. Would anything be any different? I caught a glance of me as I passed the mirror this morning: hideous! SO… boney. Yes, that’s the descriptive. I wondered: would I be that “settled fat” that so many others seem to achieve when they get into those “comfortable” relationships? But would I also have had to relinquish my ties to HOME? Or would I have travelled extensively, HOME and else-where? Would “Life” really been much (if any) different? I thought of… of all people… Stephen Fry. I wonder about him as well. Having seen his presentation, my thoughts and acceptance have changed… for the very much better. I thought of the “advances” Randy makes when he’s drunk and how Bob insinuates that there’s a certain infatuation behind them. “Poor Randy.” I thought. He’d so much like to find someone to be with. And of all the people to focus on, he got hammered with me. Me. I got deadly Honest with me today. I don’t possess the capacity for such things as “relationships” any more. I don’t even remember what experiencing those emotions is like. I don’t honestly remember the time when I did have that capacity. Yes, I remember Denis, and I remember that night, in the back of Bernadette’s Ford Pinto when he kissed me. I can still experience the rush of emotion and such. But it’s “removed” now. It’s no longer a “part” of anything that is “me”. I have nothing to put into a “relationship”. And, today, being brutally Honest with myself, the realisation hit: It’s not just the emotional aspect but the physical as well. Autonomy. It’s not a narccisisim in the negative sense of the term. For that to be so, there’d have to be some degree of “love” for self. Nope. That’s not there. It’s more a shut-down, some-where, at some point, all of that simply … shut down. And now it’s all completely non-existent. I have compassion for others. I even have the ability to empathise. Imagine that! But, when “I” come into the equation… void. I don’t even have the slightest thoughts of ever trying to change any of it either. – I came here, to “Home” to get to HOME. And it seems that that is what it’s all about any more. – Well, and but, for tonight and now, the yard is looking attended and the labour invested is making both Lyle and Bob quite happy. There’s more work that can be done and as time allows, I will see to it that it gets completed. It’s always been like that: No matter where I’ve ever been, I’ve left it better, and been thanked for having done so. Shit! I even did it for that ingrate in Newburgh! Even to painting murals on crumbling cement foundation walls and sealing them with the paints. Planted little gardens. Fixed side-walk and drive. That was there… That was then. No doubt, today, there’s no trace of any of it. But when I left, it was quite nice. Even the neighbours thanked me for improving the sight of the place. So? So. – So now it’s after 22.00 and I’m ever so tired. I wake at about 6.30 every morning. I can’t really say why, but to wake later seems lazy and that’s not something I can handle. And tomorrow? I’ll do the same. And tomorrow? I’ll continue on with the daily machinations of “being”. “Being” is an effort. I’ve been “being”. It’s an effort. – Oh. I also flashed through the recent NYC fiasco. Tossed about from place to place. Promised a welcome and receiving a grimace. I haven’t heard a single word from there since the poor-attempt-at-scathing e-mail from Eduardo. I haven’t even heard from Eddy. No doubt, what was said about me after I left was horrible. But truth? None of it matters. It’s done. Still, the one thought that repeats: Take a man who’d been in a shelter for the Homeless, promise him a warm welcome, help to become established, help to become settled and comfortable, then snap-toss him from one place to another… very much after the fashion of the Homeless Services who could and would come to you in the middle of the night to announce “You’ve been transferred. Pack your things. You’re leaving now.”… and so the exact same thing to him… for just over 2 months. And tonight I remembered my Mum’s words when I was all of just barely squeeking in to 17 years of age: “You HAVE to leave! If you don’t, he’ll kill you the next time!”

Wed.14.Aug: 24.05 LONG past the hour I wanted to be in bed. But it was a relatively “productive” day, once I got over this morning’s horrible fatigue! I was up at 6.00, got to work on the music, as usual, but I was only “good” for about 90 minutes at a clip and then truly and sincerely needed to lie down. When I did so, my mind raced with all sorts of thoughts, then I collapsed into deep, coma-like sleep for 10 minutes and woke, needing to “do” something. Difficult, considering it poured with rain most of the morning. – But at 13.00 the sun shone through and I was out in the yard, more work on the flower beds. It’s good time spent, “doing”. It serves as a distraction and recalling. I listen to my music, look toward the sky, smell the soil and remove “me” from my-self for a while. It’s just something I need to do more, of late. – There was quite the 10zP today ON the bike back in the barn! Certainly not as I’d hoped it would have been, (I can’t help but think what I told Brad: Sometimes the phantasie is much better than the reality.) but really ever-so productive! THAT was “distraction” time much needed. Well, OK then! – Worked on the flower beds until Bob got in from work. He handed me pruners… I note this simply because they’ve been in the barn all along, but I’m just not the type to “snoop”. I’d found the rakes only because they were right inside the door. And they DO make the world of difference. At any rate, I worked on the flower beds, the guy came to mow the lawn and I worked right through the others having dinner. When I came in… pork chops and rice. I was so hungry at this point that I actually figured “Better to eat something that I know will bother me than to not eat at all. Maybe some part of this will actually ‘nourish’ for a while.” I’ll probably be sorry later, but for the time-being… – After eating, I did the dishes and went out to start the last flower bed on the North side of the house. I’ve put that one off. Bob was out-side, talking on the phone so I just plugged in my music and weeded until he came over to chat … and to help a bit. He does take the time to chat and I tend to think that he actually enjoys my company. Well, that’s good. I do enjoy his company as well. Nice fellow. Lyle too, of course. But Bob seems to make an effort to talk. (I know I’m not his particular “type” at all… save the bit of Red-neck traits we seem to have in common. So this is great.) – WELL! I worked in that flower bed until it got so dark that I couldn’t see what I was doing, came in… SHOWERED! It feels SO good to be clean after working in the gardens. And I think: for most of my life, I wouldn’t have dreamt of going to bed with-out showering before… but of late, showers seem to be little luxuries. Fukkit. – 22.15 As I do, before going to bed, I went to browse through e-mails and tonight…. TONIGHT!!! THE “INVITE TO INTERVIEW” ARRIVED! It’s in Enosburg… it’s in 3 weeks (as if I’m even pondering 3 weeks from now… NOT!). The interview will be conducted by the same person who conducted my interview for Richford. (Oddly enough, she’s also the one who conducted the interview for SB, and the one he thought he could rely on when he started having trouble after he’d been hired.) SHE is the one who made me aware that the Days Inn/Diane Olsen bull-shit was appearing on my public info! I’m actually quite curious as to how an interview would turn out, with this considered. I wonder if she remembers and I wonder if it still appears on a back-ground check… since it’s still on the records when I cross the border to go HOME. It truly isn’t all that important to me at this juncture. What happens, will happen. As I say, the appointment is for 3 weeks from now and I’m not looking at anything beyond about 2 weeks (if that). Still, all told, I’m just constantly angered by the fact that Diane has gotten away with destroying me in this respect and that there isn’t one fucking sole anywhere who has done, is doing or will do anything to help rectify that. But then, as I think about it in all sincerity? I have no right to be angered or annoyed. Nor do I have the right to even think about it in this manner. When I put it all into perspective and think of my own history (even as recently as doing what I could to help vanZini and being scolded and called a “Social Worker” and “Mother Theresa” and all that shit), then, thinking that the ties with ALL the people I’d met at this last stint in NYC have not simply been severred but obliterated… “Help”? I’m still completely out of my fucking rabbit-assed mind. And I suppose I truly need… NEED to work diligently on obliterating THAT bit of “hope” as well. I’ve managed to successfully obliterate other “hope”. THIS MUST GO AS WELL! Once again: Sometimes the phantasie is much better than the reality. But isn’t it typical that this bit of what should be “good news” should lead to even greater anxieties, aggravation, annoyance and, in the vernacular of a familiar past dialect… BOTHERATION! – At any rate, I immediately went down-stairs to tell Lyle the news (since everybody else in the house are all in bed at this hour). Dear Lyle! Great smile! He tells me “You’ll have to be at your best appearance. We’ll have to see to it that we find a way to get you there.” Me? I jut said “It’s only in Enosburg at 11.00. I can bike there in just over an hour.” (And I’m rather set on that being the case anyway.) But he said that that’s not a good idea and that they can certainly arrange for it so that I can get there, and not to think about biking. (Me? It need not even be said: If I’m to make this appointment, it will be on the bike… faith.) – And so, I keep looking forward to the calm of 2208. It puts my heart at ease. – So, I returned to the world of Twtr for a bit. Got into a bit of a chat with NYFarmer. There’s so much she’s going through these days. It’s miserable, all told. It rather amazes me just how completely useless and stupid people can actually be when it comes to farms and farmers. As I posted: Most people are under the impression that farming is nothing more than grand-scale gardening. They’ve no clue at all as to just how truly difficult it is. At a couple of points, I was actually in tears, reading her posts. The “rural” life in this world is disappearing. Farms are being shut-down or getting smaller. The cost of running the farms is increasing as the cost of food increases and yet, the farmers can’t keep up with the cost of maintaining even the slightest of their needs. It only supports my thought of: as I get older, I get that much closer to dying, and one day, there’ll be such devastation when farms just dwindle down to almost non-existent and the remaining population will have to deal with it. Meanwhile, I’ll be long dead and gone. Serves the rest right. Selfish, nasty, miserable, useless lot. – I’m off to bed. For some reason, I’m rather hungry tonight. Well, that’s nothing “new” and nothing I won’t deal with.

Thu.15.Aug: 7.18 Woke at 7.00 this morning with a major horrible bout of the water-shits! Almost uncontrollable! It was quite the panic, first thing in the morning! Lyle was awake. How unusual. So I trotted to the loo twice. – Beautiful sun-shine this morning and gardening to finish today. (Wow! My stomach is bad this morning. No time for this!) – Last night, again, at just round mid-night, that black Ford SUV parked in front of the market. There’s a driver (of course) but I don’t know if there’s a passenger in there. I never see anybody get out of the vehicle. My little paranoia makes me wonder (with a bit of a smirk) if it isn’t some kind of surveillance on me. I don’t give a shit what I post to the on-line media these days and if it IS, well then, so be it. Fuck this damned dictatorial “country”. If you don’t want me here, make it official and I’ll just be on my merry way… OUT… and believe me, I won’t ask to come back. This isn’t MY “Home-land”. If things were better… when things get better… I’d be HOME by now anyway. – Ah… the day went by really rather quickly. At 11.00 I put me together and just headed out the door to work on (and just about finish) the North flower-bed. Not half bad, considering. But there was a LOT of work to be done on that one. (As Bob and Lyle said this evening: nothing had been done with it in “years”.) When Bob and Lyle saw the finished work, they both kept thanking me for all the effort. Bob said “You do what-ever you want. You’re officially in charge of the yard. What-ever you think needs to be done… do it.” I can’t help but think: SO many times I’ve been told that. People just have all this trust in me and, for the most part, are ever-so pleased with the labour I put into the things I do. How odd. How truly odd. “Trust”… and freedom do run amok, if I so choose. (Yet, when it comes to getting paid for doing a job, that all comes crashing down! And folks wonder why “I” have no trust to give others in return. As a matter of fact, I now recall, frequently, how EW told me one day at the studio in NYC: “Martin thinks you’re flighty.” Martin had to have said that because “flighty” isn’t a word that EW has ever used prior to that. “Flighty”? Promise me 20/hr. then, just before pay-day, knock it down to 18 and tell me “They don’t know what kind of work you do.” Then to be chastised for doing what Martin called “couture work”, because my stitching was “too good” for what the client was paying. EW responded “He doesn’t do anything less because he doesn’t know how.” But, the pay-rate remained the same. “Flighty”… and yet, their work got done. Then Victor un-did MY work and re-did it in HIS fashion… getting paid considerably more and duplicating. When I brought it to Martin’s attention? “I” was in the wrong. Oh well. I won’t forget. But meanwhile, it’s nice to hear the appreciation… as much as it’s actually worth absolutely nothing.) – THEN Bob brought me to the barn and even up-stairs into the loft! THAT was amazing! It truly is an old barn! And up there, SO many chairs and such that would be just a wonderful delight to restore! Rockers. And one in particular that I could see me being so comfy in. Just up there, rotting away. So many other bits of things that could be restored and look wonderful and be put to excellent use! And others that would bring in much income, if sold properly. And it would make lovely studio space for painting and the likes, if the wall could be repaired and the place properly insulated. But again, Bob tells me: if anything catches your attention and you want to work with anything, feel free. Interesting. – And here I am thinking: at this juncture, there’s no way I’m going to be able to make the rent, and the phone and the storage bills come the 1st of the month. I wonder: yes, I’ve paid for the month of Sept. already. But that was supposed to be the “last” month’s rent in advance. It’s paid… the month is paid. Still, I feel that I’m in debt to them… and they truly and honestly need the income more than they need my yard-work. Oh, there’s always something. Never complete Peace. – But anyway… this evening I stopped at the market next door for a couple of things on the FS. – Lyle has a doctor appointment tomorrow, which means that either he or I have to leave with Bob in the morning when he goes to work and bring the car back. I’ll do that, because there’s no way Lyle will want to be awake at 4.30. It’s his insomnia that has hin going to doctor, and I certainly don’t mind being awake that early. So… – This day is done, done, done.

Fri.16.Aug: 5.50 Last night, I went to sleep with the scent of freshly-turned soil in the air.The North flower bed is directly under my window and the scent of the soil wafted up on the night air and into the open window. Now I ask: could it be any better than that, and if so, how? – Rode with Bob to his co-worker’s place on the Maisha Rd. and drove back to the house, almost oblivious to the fact that I was driving. And oh, so comfortable on these back roads. And I still wonder, even from time-to-time, if SB is still in VT, what’s he doing these days, does he ever come back up North and if he’s pissed-off with me… and… if so, why? But then, I truly didn’t come here to make any “friends” or connections. It’s just a fluke that Richford became “the place where I’m from”. And, I’m rather proud of that. So? If he IS pissed and he has no use for the North, well then? The facts (as I see them) are that he benefited from having met me in a great many ways, and even with the house in Richford, he truly benefited there… through a Winter. I owe him nothing… he owes me nothing. And those days happened only for me. – With that? 5.57 I put half a hot-dog roll on the window ledge and the sparrows are chirping, soon to come for their little “breakfast”, the dawn has arrived and all’s well. May it remain that way! – The mid-point of the month is passed. With that thought… I want to puke. – 9.39 At about 7.30, I just went to have a bit of a lie-down, set the alarm for 8 and when I heard it, turned it off and fell deeply into a half-sleep for almost 45 minutes more.Semi-dream: (this is the 2nd time I’ve had this, as I recall) I was in the house (this house) and wandered down a hall that brought me to “my first room” (the room I’d been in before settling into the room I’m actually in now… but not the one across the hall… this one was at the other end of the house, in an area that was, as far as I knew – in the dream – un-used). That room was (as I now think of it, similar to the “media room” here, now) papered in white wall-paper with some kind of blue pattern/print but not enough to out-do the whiteness of the room. In one corner, by a window, a very low, very small table with a milk-glass bed-side lampe on it. The lamp was lit. Beside the lampe, a small gadget, a sort of battery-operated calendar/clock. I was happy to have found it, thinking it was mine, but when I picked it up to look, it had messages on it and I thought it was a medication reminder for Lyle. Off to one side of the room, another smaller room. In there, a washing machine was running and I thought ti strange that Lyle would be washing up-stairs in this room instead of down-stairs in the laundry room… The dream ended thus.) When I drifted out of the dream, I laid there thinking that I simply MUST get up and out of bed! But, as has been the case of late, some-what often, I kept thinking of how nice it is to be half asleep, in the bed, eyes closed and in more control of things in this state than when awake. Getting out of the bed is a chore of late. I’m not consciously depressed, but this is a definite symptom. I have to think about avoiding one of those bouts. It wouldn’t be prudent here and now. – It’s a rather nice day. Lyle has to be at doctor at noon. I’m pondering a brief bike ride to St. Armand at some point. There are things that need to be addressed here, at the house today as well. And it’s Friday… what the hell that means is beyond me. But it is. And I will be moving along shortly. – And when the day came to a close…. Yard-work. The whole day. Cleaned the flower-beds a bit, trimmed the lilac bush and the roses (THAT was quite the mistake with canvas gloves), and tidied the front of the house. – Lyle got to his appointment and I? Well, I note the the boots and say no more other than indeed they were taken care of. Good. Not great. There are things that will be that way in this situation. But another item off the list. – It was a strange sort of day. I wasn’t in good form, as it were. Although the yard-work went well enough, my balance was off, my joints didn’t want to function. Stiff. Achey. Generally “off” all over. Mind not clear. Almost as if I were some-how, some-what wrapped in something that wouldn’t allow free motion or movement. Co-ordination was just off kilter. Odd sort of feeling. But me, being me, I just plodded through as I went along. I could have, had I been in regular condition, gotten so much more accomplished. I kept thinking that I could take off on the bike at some point before the border closed, head up to St. Armand for a quick visit. But the day slipped away from me. Imagine: having to think of such stupidity as an international border being closed. But that’s the way it is and indeed, the day did slip away and I continued to “play in the dirt”, as I like to put it. – But working out front had its moments today. As I trimmed the lilac, listening to my “QuébecCountry” music, and, of course, singing a bit along, a group of bicyclists from “HOME” stopped by the store. It was a delight to hear them speaking with each-other as they chatted. And me? I was singing along with my own music (Denis Champoux and Georges Hamel). It actually felt quite nice… and I realised how great the “attachment” really is between me and… HOME. Listening to them, listening to the music (on the iPod) just made me feel so much better… as if, well, it was a comforting feeling… sort of like “my people” were right there and right here and yes, I was close enough to HOME to just get up at any moment and go. Oh, if only… Well… one of these days. – Later, as I swept the little side-walk in front of the house, Jack (from the Ford dealership across the road) came over. “If I’d’ve known you were that ambitious I’d’ve welcomed you to come stay at MY place!” says he. As it all turned out, his charming expressions of compliment weren’t all completely well-intended, or at least so I surmise. We chatted about how Lyle’s Mum kept the place up when she could, the rift between Lyle and his father due to the fact that his father “couldn’t accept that his son was living and ‘alternative life-style’ and such things as that. But it was when he “thanked” me for making the place “presentable” and “performing a civic duty” with regard to maintaining the property that made me only a touch annoyed. It wasn’t just to compliment me on my ambitious efforts, nor simply that I, as a renter and new-comer to town was occupying my time in a productive sort of manner. It was about “appearance” of the house and the impression it made on others. The house is on the MAIN road (not that that makes any difference… as we say, the town is in no-where, on the way to and from no-where) and people coming through town have to pass it and SEE it! OH MY! So, if it isn’t cutesy and, oh let’s say, up-to-snuff, well then; what will people think of the others in town? Eh? (And let me just add: SO MANY empty houses along this same route… for sale… empty… as if people just packed and left and RAN! and other houses that aren’t particularly well-manicured. OK. That has no bearing on any one house or another. Just because one doesn’t give a shit doesn’t mean ALL shouldn’t. Still, how-ever, it reminds me SO much of my own child-hood in Meadow Hill where I would hear the talk about other houses on the street: He doesn’t mow the lawn/plant nice flowers and trees/paint the house a colour that WE approve of/and such things as that. “Children of the corn”, “Salem’s Lot” and well, jeezuskriste! Yes! I’d like the town to be tidy and clean and “New England Calendar/Post Card” but I’m NOT from this town, and well, unless I hear about Lyle and Bob from Lyle and Bob, I certainly don’t need to hear anything from others. (Although I still can’t help but think, as I did again today as I worked on the front yard, how SB commented when we’d go to Sutton: You can just tell you’re not in the US… even the “wilderness” – meaning the wooded areas – look manicured and maintained, like Nature keeps things prettier. – And my response: this is Canada and that’s how Nature is up here… pretty.) Well, anyway, I decided not to mention this to either Bob or Lyle. There are those whom I can certainly do with-out (as Bob and I half joked about only recently when I mentioned that in the short time I’ve been in VT I’ve already managed to come up with people I’d be happiest to never see again), but I don’t want to inherit that kind of people from others. Simply a matter of “best to be aware” and leave it all at that. – HOWever, the was ONE little slip that I caught as soon as it happened and now I keep thinking about it: As I spoke with Jack about maintaining property and my “ambition” (as if I’m simply a lazy shit who wouldn’t lift a finger to put on a light… REALLY? People know SHIT about me, about where I’ve been, where I’ve come from, where and what I’ve come THROUGH! Shitfukkers, the lot.) I said, half-jokingly: Oh wait til Winter; you won’t need the plows coming through, I’ll be out here with a shovel clearing 52! Meaning… shovelling snow off Main St… but the reference to “52”? WALKER VALLEY! Well imagine THAT! The similarities have begun blurring. SNAP! – I move along here now to this evening. It was an earlier version of “Franklin Friday Night” on the front steps. And, I must say, a more sober version this time. Bob and I tossed little jokes about the town: “What do you do in Franklin on a Friday night? Well, when we can afford it, we leave. When we can’t afford to leave we sit on the front steps, getting drunk, watch all the others leave and wish we could go with ’em.” and that sort of thing. Of course, as we all agree, it’s all in fun and we all like Franklin. I’m rather a bit amazed at Randy: born, raised’n’reared in BTV and this is the first time he’s ever been up to the Northern part of the State. There truly IS a difference between the Northern and Southern VTers… one rarely sees the other and they’re quite happy that way. Cute. – So the evening turned to night and by about 22.15 we were all “in” the house and settled. Me?I got into bed, opened a book, read for a bit and soon it was lights-out and that’s all she wrote. Fukkmefukkit. So much for another day, and one less day to go.

Sat.17.Aug: 8.34 Woke.
Slept. Woke. Slept. Woke. Slept. Through the night. Slept through the alarm this morning. Not too happy about this. But… as I thought when I got out of bed: There’s no way to recapture time that’s passed and no sense in be-moaning it. It’s gone. – As I “got myself together” this morning, John came by to chat with all. But I was out of smokes and in no mood to pay the price here for something I didn’t like when, all I had to do was get on the bike and head up for a pack of Players. When I mentioned that I was heading up, Bob actually offered the car! I could well have used it today. My knees are bothering me, from the bending and stooping over with all the gardening. But I just don’t, some-how, like the idea of taking the car alone. I half-jokingly suggested that we go together. He declined. So…I took the bike and was off. I actually like that better anyway. ON the soil. IN the air. Surrounded by HOME. Listening to the music. Being able to be IN and part OF HOME. And it was a most spectacular day for being out in the air, on the road, under the sun-shine and blue skies. It was just perfect for it. And, at about 12.30, I was off and on the road… to… HOME! And today, for nothing more than smokes. No candies, no water, no anything. Just a trip to the magazin général. Hey! Why not then? – The ride was a delight, of course. And I’m getting quite familiar with it. But today, being Saturday and perfect weather, there was much traffic, most of which was motorcycles. Open roads and bikes; motor and other-wise. We were all out there today! – Passing les douanes was an instant! Although I must note that I addressed the little old man with “Bonojour”, he asked where I live, in French. I told him (there’s no way to make THAT sound at all French) and he then spoke English with me. Ah HAH! He’s Fed, so I couldn’t really make too much of it, but Provincially, I could make a ta-doo of sorts. As I left, with-in mere moments of arrival, I actually felt insulted! How DARE he speak ENGLISH to me! Oh… it was GREAT to be “HOME”. But, all said… it was GREAT to be HOME and so? I didn’t give a flying rat’s arse. I was HOME! – At the magazin, it was ever so busy. Jo’s husband was running the store and there were people coming and going so I made a point of speaking French and not English. I did think that I could have gotten away with English, being a “tourist from The States” and all. But, I thought: If somebody was to take offence and they learnt that I can and do speak French, it would reflect unfavourably on the proprieteur (if it got to that point… and it very well could have done there). I think he was a bit surprised when I spoke French… since I’ve made a point of speaking English, just to be contrary with the “loi” and because he and the wife have come from Ontario (she’s originally from St. Armand but left for many years and has only rather recently returned… language having something to do with it, of course). Anyway, it all went too TOO quickly but delightfully and I was off and on the road again… taking my time. – Some-what oddly: the trip North is more down-hill that the trip south. So, I do have to walk the bike quite a bit more on the return trip. But I don’t mind. It gives me more time at HOME that way. And, again, the weather was magnificent! I really was in no rush at all. – The strangest part was the return through customs: Where do you live? Where did you go? How long were you there? Do you have anything to declare? Good-bye. Period. Quite a rather pleasant SHOCK! When that happens I tend to wonder why it can’t be that way all of the time. But then I wonder what’s happened on THIS particular day that they’re in such a rush to get people through. There’s no simple acceptance of the matter. But then, they make it so that everything is questionable at the border… since they’re so often invasively interrogational. ANYway… it was good for me today because…
Today I paid attention to the time and distance as well:
I’d left the barn in Franklin at just about 12.40. I returned to the barn at 15.23.
Just about 3 hrs. round-trip, and that was with stopping to take a couple of photos.
From barn in Franklin to magazin in St. Armand… 15,8km (9,6mi).
– When I got back today though, for some reason, I was SO BLOODY TIRED! I tried to watch a bit of tele with the guys, but started to doze. So I came up to have a lie-down. And I noticed something terribly wrong with my peripheral vision on the left eye. A sort of watery halo effect. I tried looking to see if there was something in the eye, but there was nothing there. So, it would seem the eyes are going. All fine. Who cares? Not I. Anyway, I’d laid down at about 16.30 and slept deeply until 18.00! At one point, Bob came up to get me for dinner and I heard him but I actually couldn’t wake up! I laid there, thinking that I should wake and join them but I simply couldn’t! No matter how I thought of waking, my body just wouldn’t. Interesting, if nothing else. But when I did get up and head down the stairs, primarily to finish a bit of light weeding out front of the house (because I noticed some bits of weeds growing in amongst the lilies and it bothered me), they’d saved my dinner… sausages and potatoes. And I was hungry(ish), and appreciative. They don’t have to do that. But they do. – So… I finished the bit of weeding out-side and we began the week-end… on the front stoop. – Tonight began a bit on the early side, but ran along rather to almost the regluar hour. I grabbed a shower and changed. It was on the chilly side tonight. Bob got a sweat-shirt, Lyle wore a fleece-lined hooded, and me? I went into the suit-case to see what I haven’t un-packed as yet, got my “Flatlander” sweat-shirt out and realised: I have NO clothing for the colder weather! Oh, I’ll probably be fine for a while yet. But come the cold snap… Oh well. No sense in thinking about that now. – It was a fun night tonight. Randy was on good behaviour where I was concerned. We all chatted, talked, discussed, relaxed, enjoyed. At one point, Lyle actually said “This is the first time in a long while that this actually feels like home.” He’s been so down since his Mum died. They’d had to think about selling the house and leaving; he’s gone for that sleep test and now has to go back on the 30th (!) to get a CPAP. There have been so many things bombarding him of late. But tonight he actually sat out on the porch and felt at “home”. I know how that is… I know what it’s like to miss that. I know… all too well. I’ve adjusted to it, resigned my-self to not ever getting that feeling again. Of late, I have my hour or so, on the bike, rolling about the roads, reading signs and hearing the language. I have my “moments”… but then, I have to leave and return, knowing that my “home” is behind me… Or, I have my time of standing in the back yard, or on the front stoop, looking toward my “HOME”, knowing that it’s only but moments away and yet, here I am… not there. And I’ve resigned my-self to that. Yet, tonight, it was such a lovely thing to hear that Lyle is feeling back at “home”, in the house and town that actually IS his “HOME”. It was good for the heart and soul to hear. – Well, another night in Franklin came to a close. I even had about 4 beers tonight! And what a pleasure that was. When we all came in, Lyle put some left-over pizza into the microwave, we noshed. Bob made a very, very light vodka drink in the blender to go with the pizza. And, as usual, our little crowd dissipated, the house went quiet. I came up to my room and tonight, I went and got out the un-finished afghan that I’d started in Rockaway. It’s just about big enough to make a bit of cover, even on this bed. And tonight I actually needed it for the extra warmth. It felt delightful to be under it, with the book, reading for about 45 minutes until I just HAD to close my eyes and let the day go and the night come along. – The time to come will be difficult. In a matter of short days, the rent, the phone and storage will be due. But there’s no blood in a stone and no work in a dead horse.

Sun.18.Aug: 7.20 9 degrees this morning. I look out the window and see heavy sweat-shirts and there’s a definite chill in the air this morning. August in the North Country and me with-out appropriate clothing and no way to get any. The “interesting” times are coming. Reminding me of the days of going into the Shelter: a light hooded sweat-shirt, a t-shirt and a corduroy shirt… and mornings of leaving the Shelter in the cold. Things are repeating and it’s not at all “good”. – 8.44 Caught-up with the typing. The sun’s come up. I put some bread out for the sparrows. There’s a bit of warmth coming in through the windows and folks are coming to the market next door. Sunday morning… Life In A Northern Town… – 11.50 OF ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! I SPEND THE BETTER PART OF 30 MINUTES UP-DATING THIS PAGE AND WORDPRESS MANAGES TO UN-DO IT ALL? I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS SHIT TODAY!!!!! THE BROWSER CRASHES!!! I DUMPED CHROME BECAUSE IT PULLED THAT SHIT. NOW FIREFOX? WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK? REALLY! FUKKIT! – 21.23 The day? It’s done! And I? Am exhausted! Quite honestly, I don’t even have all the energy it takes to make these notes. But I certainly must say that the front flower-bed is looking ever-so quite lovely and 5 hours more work on it has paid-off very well. The town should be thankful. Actually, it does look much nicer. I went and really did a close clean-up today. The weather was… well… miserably hot and humid again. This week to come is expected to be even worse with heat index up into the high 30’s! I’m not looking forward to that. But then, the nights drop down so rapidly that they feel almost Arctic… even though they’re really not. All said though? North Country. Meanwhile, the flower-beds are coming together and the work truly is appreciated in the house-hold. It truly is a pleasure to do this for these guys. Truly. – One note: this morning I’d managed to get the pictures on from the 15th through and for some reason things froze. Well! When all came back up and running… ALL the work was GONE! At this point I don’t know if it’s Toshiba or Windows but no matter which, this is all bull-shit! Simply bull-shit! – And on that note, I didn’t get into any social media tonight because I don’t want to get into it all before bed and I want to get to sleep soon. I’m showered, it was a good day of some almost hard work and I’m tired. Even Lyle’s in bed already. So that’s the cue. – 2208 this week. I’m whole-heartedly pondering. And that’s all there is to be said on this day… as the traffic, for some reason, is really busy on the road, the air-conditioner next door is cycling and noisy, the neighbours across the road are receiving company in loud vehicles, and the full moon is due soon. – 21.23 The day? It’s done! And I? Am exhausted! Quite honestly, I don’t even have all the energy it takes to make these notes. But I certainly must say that the front flower-bed is looking ever-so quite lovely and 5 hours more work on it has paid-off very well. The town should be thankful. Actually, it does look much nicer. I went and really did a close clean-up today. The weather was… well… miserably hot and humid again. This week to come is expected to be even worse with heat index up into the high 30’s! I’m not looking forward to that. But then, the nights drop down so rapidly that they feel almost Arctic… even though they’re really not. All said though? North Country. Meanwhile, the flower-beds are coming together and the work truly is appreciated in the house-hold. It truly is a pleasure to do this for these guys. Truly. – One note: this morning I’d managed to get the pictures on from the 15th through and for some reason things froze. Well! When all came back up and running… ALL the work was GONE! At this point I don’t know if it’s Toshiba or Windows but no matter which, this is all bull-shit! Simply bull-shit! – And on that note, I didn’t get into any social media tonight because I don’t want to get into it all before bed and I want to get to sleep soon. I’m showered, it was a good day of some almost hard work and I’m tired. Even Lyle’s in bed already. So that’s the cue. – 2208 this week. I’m whole-heartedly pondering. And that’s all there is to be said on this day… as the traffic, for some reason, is really busy on the road, the air-conditioner next door is cycling and noisy, the neighbours across the road are receiving company in loud vehicles, and the full moon is due soon.

Mon.19.Aug: 4.23 and I don’t know exactly why I woke at 4.00 but I’m awake and not bothering to go back to bed . My stomach’s churning and I’m hoping that I’m not about to explode, as it were. But I didn’t actually get to bed until about 22.00 or so. And I read for about 20 minutes. That would mean about 6 hours of sleep. I suppose that’s good enough then. Well? I’ll work on the music (which needs work), and a note or 2 on the “Design” site. That needs some work as well! When Bob leaves for work, I can wash the clothes I wear in the flower-beds (they need that). And as for the rest of the day? It’s all a matter of “time” and as we know, “time” is nothing more than plain shit… eventually it’ll rot away, regardless of what we do or do not do. – Good-morning America, how are ya? ‘said ‘Don’t ya know me? I’m your ‘Native Son’. I’m the train they called “The City of New Orleans” and I’ll’ve gone 500 miles when the day is done.” (One way or another, I’ll’ve gone 500 miles when the day is done.) – 16.24 HYOOoooooooMID! today. Just that nasty sort of humidity that feels as if it’s closing in on you. A difficult day of breathing too, I might add. But… none-the-less… I managed to make it some kind of day. First, a hit on the tumbling. Quite the hit. With fan and all it would seem. Imagine that woodja? – Next, at about noon, I put on the same nasty clothes I’ve been working in for almost a week now (imagine THAT woodja!) because I just didn’t get to the washer this morning, and I headed out the door to the barn. Up-stairs, the old, *1955* license plate number 32 and another from 1948 for the number 1941 Agriculture. Only ONE plate from 1955 in a box of maybe 30 plates (most from 1948 and 2 from 1963)! Now, if I could only make a connection between 1955 and 32. As for the 1941? I don’t know, but the year some-how struck me. Anyway, I brought them into the house… to the room… for some reason or another. Probably to put up on the wall or something stupid like that. Or, maybe I’ll just strap one to my arse for when I hit the road walking next time. I don’t really know… and don’t really give a shit. Not really. – Then, on my way down from the loft, I happened to recall the 4 old reel mowers. Neat things, those old lawn mowers. And I wondered if even one of them actually functioned. Bob said they had 6 but they sold 1 at the yard sale and traded one for vegetables. So! I took each one out of the pile of “stuff” they’re in, and gave each one a try. One has no roller on the back, so it would have done not much good at all. One absolutely didn’t want to roll at all, another has no tyres on the wheels, then came the 4th. It rolled… jammed… rolled… jammed. I looked at it, tried to figure what was wrong. Tried cleaning the rust off the blades and such. Then came in to check on the Internet to see if I couldn’t find some instructions on how to “repair” one of these things. Much, much, much on how to sharpen the blades (which every entry seemed to agree, wasn’t even necessary so that was all bull-shit) but nothing on the mechanics of the things. So, back to the barn to figure it out for my-self and, well, although it’s not perfect, it rolled… jammed… rolled… cut the grass! OUT TO THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE! AND… THE FRONT “YARD” IS MOWED! There isn’t much at all out there to “mow” (and I need to get a photo of the place now that the flower-beds are cleaned!) and there isn’t access for Cecil (who mows the rest of the property) to get his “ride-on” in there, so Bob usually (sometimes) uses the weed-wacker (or, as he calls it, the “weed-eater”, the verb form being “weed-eatering”). No easy task, that. But the front yard is mowed! Mowed, I tell ya! It was actually great fun! Memories of mowing Oma’s back yard with the same kind of mower, and the sound of the steel against steel as the rotor cut and the bits of grass went flying. It was just wonderful, and I’m looking forward to maintaining that now… for as long as possible (before the snow falls). – Which reminds me: Twtr today: First official “snow warning” in Canada today. Nunavut. Ellsmere Island. But, an actual “snow warning”! Winter IS en route (and me with no warm clothes… oh well… don’t care… I mowed the lawn!). – Bob came in from work, not too happy. He’s got another bout of gout. Imagine that. Gout, of all things. He’s obviously in pain, poor guy. And instead of cooking a meal this evening, some-how it got diverted to subs from the market. Lyle covered the cost (and tonight I didn’t feel too badly about it, since I’m actually working round the house, doing things that I enjoy, have been given free reign to do, but, after all, is none of my business… so a sub? Not bad.) which (I saw the receipt) came to just over 36$ for 4 subs! That store is quite something with their prices. But, considering where it is, where we are, I liken it, in a fashion, to the stores on Fire Island… although it’s harder to get provisions out on a ferry than it is to simply truck them into town here. But dinner was quiet tonight, with-out the usual banter and such. I had to take a break from working on the door to this room. I’d found some sandpaper in the barn (fine grit, unfortunately) so I tried to sand a bit more down on the door to keep it from sticking as it does. I learnt there’s a bit of pain build-up on the frame and will have to work on that when I can. – And when dinner was done, I took Dixie out back to play Frisbee (which is something she absolutely ADORES playing and now looks to me every time I’m even NEAR the back door… she’s “attached” her-self to me now, because I take her out to play Frisbee! Cubby has done so, primarily because I do tend to favour him. And now Dixie. Ellie has become rather distant since Dixie has taken to me. Rivalry there. But, them’s the breaks. (Oddly enough, even Randy’s Chica, although she cowers a bit when I come near her, wags her tail in glee when I go to scratch or pet her.) I have no trouble with animals… it’s people I don’t get along well with. – Frisbee over, I came back up to look-up a bit more on the mower and got side-tracked into so much Newburgh shit! Images though, of the mower in the back-yard. Lyle claims this one was his Great-Grand-father’s. Possibly. I believe it’s the Coldwell’s 1911 model. So? – Well, by about 19.00 I was exhausted and in dire need of a shower. So, again tonight, I got a shower. YAY! came back into the room to settle for the night and decided to try using this lap-top on the bed, instead of tied to the little corner table. – At 20.08 the phone rang! Aaannnndddd…. 21.31 NANC!!!! TALKED TO NANC!!! IT WAS SO GOOD TO HEAR HER VOICE AND TO CHAT (although I feel so rather guilty, talking most of the time and mostly about border crossings)! Seriously though? It honestly changed the entire day! It just did! – And now I’m all in a sweat from the heat and humidity! But I TALKED WITH NANCY TONIGHT! and the world is fine and a good place again. – Woodja look at this! 21.51 already and I was ready to collapse at 19.00 already! But, the day’s entries are in. The heat is miserable. My sinuses are beginning to “pack” from the heat and humidity. But I’m reclining and just about ready for book and bed… with the Chat With Nannette on my mind… It’s a good night. – Oh… this morning I had a dream: It all took place in general dark… something similar to early night, well after sun-set. I was at CM’s for some reason, some get-together. It wasn’t the actual house, more that this one was in a wooded area, much larger and on more land. I wasn’t at all comfortable but I was there. The front yard was a steep angle and it was terraced with flower-beds of sorts. I got to a flower-bed/terrace where there were branches of budding forsythia stuck in the ground. (In the dream I remembered having planted them quite a while before.. in another dream, but in this dream it was more the reality.) But there was one quite large one, budding, and when I passed it, it snapped and fell. So I picked it up and began walking away with it thinking the flower-bed looked better with-out it anyway. But CM started her whining about how I destroyed her garden. (I was the ONE who’d brought it back in the first place since she and her husband ignored it). So Mum came over to me and with a snarl and grimace said to me “You just can’t do anything right, can you? You just can’t leave things alone!” and I started yelling at her to leave the matter alone, that she didn’t know what she was talking about, as usual. And in the dream I actually wanted to slap her! But I couldn’t, because I couldn’t hurt her… not this woman, not this human-being, not this Angel of mine. But I was ANGRY… FULL ANGRY with her! And that’s how I woke… feeling not sleepy but quite guilty and rather shitty because of the dream.

Tue.20.Aug: 7.52 Did NOT want to wake this morning to the alarms! And as I type this, the “yard clothes” are in the dryer, having been washed… at last! Took a stroll across the road already to get a photo of the house. The sun’s rising, the sky’s rather hazy, the lawn is soaking wet with dew and there’s traffic, traffic, traffic this morning. I slept nothing less than “fitful” last night. The bed was a complete wreck when I woke! Covers all over the place. I do recall that, just before dozing off (something that was rather difficult at about mid-night because I’d gotten a second wind suddenly) having much difficulty breathing. “Asthma” is back… Gee! I wonder why (smirk). – I used to love this month. I used to look forward to my “Annual Retreat” at the end: going HOME for at least a few days. Sheraton Mont Royal, the Laurentian, Rein Elizabeth… and oh shit! I can’t recall the name of THE (at the time) hotel that I got to spend ONE night in… the one where all the ambassadors and such stayed! My brain, my mind, my memories… Memories… the one thing I used to say “they can’t take away from me”… Obviously, that’s wrong. Even those are being ripped away. (As if I didn’t know already, since I’ve only managed to recover about 7 songs from Mr.G’s out of what was a “2 CD Set”. Now why can’t I just remember enough to go HOME and then not enough to keep breathing?) – 8.11 Clothes done. 2 days until… 10 days until… 12 days until… – And just to finish a thought: this used to be the month of looking toward a few days of being “Happy”, “Content”. I never did anything other than go HOME… to LIVE. Walked about Montréal for an entire day, up Mont Royal and down, in an out of streets, end to end of the city, ride l’Métro, talk with people, a little shopping ( for things that were snatched from me, stripped away with-out me being aware of it), just being a part of the every-day existence of everything around me. Being… at Peace… being… HOME. I looked forward to the warm days, the chilled nights. I listened to the music, on the radio, the tele, in the clubs and cafés. It was me and I was it… all of it. So much is so different these days. I’m “close”, but… Well, enough whining for one day. Nothing gone will return no matter what. Time to float on. – le Windsor! I had to go on-line to find the name of that hotel. But the building is still there, the area has changed much, but the building is still there. SOME bits of happiness remain. (The building is now something other than a hotel… “Glory Days” come and “Glory Days” go. le Windsor… – Wed.21.Aug: 5.03 Up at 4.30… Bob to work… Lyle to company picnic. Me? Tired. – 16.44 One can never say that I’m lazy, sit round the house, occupy space, accomplish nothing, waste time… or the likes. Well, one COULD say all that… but one would be a blatant liar indeed. To wit: the “Mohawk” Coldwell mower? Cleaned, shined, oiled, sanded, spiffied and now actually (as Lyle put it) “whirrrsss”. Yes, I got it so that the blades actually make that wonder “whir” as they spin freely. FREELY! NEXT! The door to the room now actually slams closed. I’d found coarse sand-paper in the barn and had at the door! It still has a bit of a “lag” some-where, but, at one point, I walked out of the room and lightly puled the door behind me and… SLAM! It closed… all the way! No “sticky”! OK? OK! Not quite enough? Fine. The hummingbird feeder is up. Yes, hanging out-side the window… one of “my” windows. (Hopefully no-one will notice and if they do, they won’t object.) Found a bit of a “hook” in the barn, the perfect size with the little wire holder and perch I made yesterday with some wire I found (in the barn). Tah-dah! Hummiefeeder! With Hummiefood in it yet! (Finally! I’d gotten the sugar WEEKS ago.) Then, of course, after all of this, the room HAD to be Hoovered. And so it was, thoroughly. (Meanwhile, Lyle left at about 14.30… I’d started all of these “activities” at about noon. I was sanding the door when Lyle left.) I managed to take a much-needed and well-deserved “break” as well today (in the barn). Bike’n’boots today. Ahhhh…. – THEN, THEN, THEN… HAIR-CUT AND BEARD TRIM! Followed by a nice and necessary shower. And now? I’ve just finished a container of blue-berries (which may or may not be the “meal” du jour). OH! And all this with 28 degree heat (with a Heat Index of… THIRTY FIVE!!! And that’s at THIS hour! No telling what it was at noon!) HOO-RAH-HOO-RAY! – It certainly isn’t that most of this was done simply for me. No. The mower means that the front yard will be maintained and Bob will no longer have to go out “weed-eatin’” with the “weed-eater” (which doesn’t “eat” but “snaps’n’wacks”… but who’s to say? Eh?). Less work for him to do. (And yes, I’ll enjoy using the mover, but still, it’s work that “renters” don’t do.) As for the door? Bob had taken it down about a week or so ago (17.05 A plane just went by the house, headed Nor-west. Small plane. I heard the engine. There’s no airport round here. Very odd… very odd indeed.) So anyway, Bob took the door down and sanded the edge, brough it back and… well, OK, it stuck. It bothered him. It bothered me. He was going to plane it down. I sanded it down. Less work for him. And the door isn’t “mine”. It’ll stay right where it is even long after I’m gone (“gone”). Yes, I suppose the hummiefeeder is for me. Oh well. But the Hoovering? HEY! I certainly could be just like Val and Carly who NEVER Hooverd this room an all the months they were here. And I always do the hall as well. So, this room isn’t only Hoovered clean, it’s also (probably) the only room in the house that doesn’t have fleas. Less work and less concern for the owners again. OH! OH! OH! After the hair-cut and just before the shower? THE TOILET! It was FILTHY, FILTHY, FILTHY! Amazingly so, as a matter of fact. There are 4 of us using it… daily. Now, I’m only just saying this, but, Bob gets up (now) before dawn and is out to work all day. I get up, and with-in hours or so, I’m out the door, gardening, yarding, etc. The other 2 lounge about, watching TV. OK. They’ll cook dinner… but after their TV programmes are done. I wash the dinner dishes (and dry and put them up as well I add). One might think that one of the other 2 might notice the black filth and the stink in the bowl and clean it? One might be sorely mistaken. So, it got done today. Let’s see what sort of reaction this invokes… if any. – And now, I sit, listening to “Passion Country” from Mégantic, clean, ready for a quick nap of sorts. Randy is down-stairs, watching TV with the dogs. Lyle and Bob are in Mallets Bay for Bob’s company picnic. I’m rather hungry. I’m rather a bit out of sorts, still thinking about the rent for here, the rent for storage, the phone bill, smokes. I’m a bit hungry, in spite of eating a shit-load of blue-berries. But I’m more tired at the moment. I’ve a bit of FS left on the card so later, I’ll venture to the store for… something or other… I suppose. – POOPED! 17.17 already. This day is just about “closed”. It passed quickly. – 22.59 Randy had made grilled cheese sandwiches for us both this evening. I am so touched by his kindness… truly. I’d fallen asleep for a bit… didn’t even hear him when he came to the door to tell that he’d made the sandwiches. And even now, I feel terrible about it. He’s quite the kind person, come from, as I’m to understand, abusive folks. It’s even to the point where he’ll sit in the room, in the dark, enjoying his one pleasure: a computer game… in the dark. He doesn’t like using the electric to put on even one small light. What ever must his “family” have done to him? How cruel have they been? This evening he told me how he’d fallen down a flight of stairs and inured his back so badly that there are now rods supporting his spine… That was 19 years ago. I’ve seen the scar… it’s deep. His “family” wouldn’t help him bathe because they wouldn’t touch it. He’d had another surgery in front. Another long and deep scar. Some-what botched. And me? The “tall and thin” one of the 4. Second eldest of the lot, and, in the sense of “societal norms”, the enigma of the house-hold. I’m the one who “does” simply because he “can”. Indeed, the yard-work and such. But I travel as well. Lyle’s weight and pains (some, admittedly, related) and low energy due to his insomnia, and more prohibit him from foot-travel and/or bike travel. Randy’s back prohibits him from the same. And so, they stay in the house whilst I’m on the roads, popping up to HOME, either on foot or on the mountain bike. Bob takes the car to go to work each day, and he too will be struck with aches, pains… gout, of all things. Me? I went into the barn to fetch the mower, to sit on the grass in the yard to clean and repair it. And I’m the one who enjoyed the sun and air and weeded the flower-beds. I’m the one who, on a moment’s whim, will take off up the road and cross the border, visiting the towns and villages, admiring the land-scape, under the open skies. And all that while, the others can only hear of my little adventures… as I recount. – I should stop all this whining. I, personally, do nothing but occupy time… time… begrudgingly, from moment to moment. And all the while, right here, there are those who would, in some likelihood, trade places with me, gladly.

Jeudi, 22 Aout: 6.30
Tu me manque, chere, chere Maman. Bis wir uns widersehen.
6.50 The sun is just breaking over the hills now. There’s a cool breeze wafting in through the North window. The temperatures are comfortable… just enough to wear only shorts as the first light of the sun pours in through the Eastern windows. The birds came this morning, but weren’t happy with the bit of left-over bread at the window, so I’ve put in a fresh half hot-dog bun for them. The hummingbird feeder hangs, waiting, moving ever so slightly in the breeze. Cars are passing on the road (and how I still think of it as the “52”, stuck in the days of Walker Valley, my brain being all but toast some-how), as the locals begin their travels to their jobs… JOBS! And I sit here, waiting to be offered one… that PAYS. And this morning I worry about the next month’s rent. I don’t actually “owe” anything, since I paid 2 month’s before moving in. Still, what bothers me now is that Bob and Lyle actually NEED the income and I’m not in a position to help them with the extra this month. AND… there’s no guarantee that the PO will come through in a week or so. (And, it rather pisses me off: Were I in a position to do so, I would, and have, do something to actually “help” another in my position. Even if it was nothing more or less than a note to some-one, a telephone call, a visit or… I don’t know. It goes back to the issue with Diane Olsen and the Days Inn, and how that too still haunts me, hangs over my soul. Nothing… I wander round and through and with it… on my own. Is it “disappointing”? Yes; yes it is. Is it “angering “? Yes, that too. I need this job. I’ve done for others to help them… and now, when I need help, in a manner that wouldn’t cost any-one any-thing, once again, I sit, on my own. – I need to stop this line of thinking. Yesterday, the radio reported that NY was considered the “rudest” state in the nation. Well? I’m a born “New Yorker”. Fukkemall! In the 80’s, Odyssey sang “No one opens the door… for a native New Yorker”. Fukkemall. it’s all a matter of bunk. – So, that said, and, for some reason, this programme is screwing my text this morning (oh, it’s to be one of THOSE days!), I need to think about getting up and getting out and getting on the road today. There’s a bit of rain in today’s forecast. I’ll probably be on the road when it comes. But all said? Much has been accomplished of late. And once again : I’ve worked and done and others are pleased. I suppose that’s all that matters… at all. – 7.42 The clouds are rolling in, the temperature is dropping, I have miserable cramps and I can’t find the little bag with my roll of toilet paper in it. It is… – 14.19 I suppose I’m being forced to take the day doing nothing… it’s raining. Just as I decided that I would take the bike and head HOME for a bit, the clouds came, the breeze chilled and the rains came. No gardening, no yard-work, no travel… and for some un-known reason, I’ve been little more than exhausted all through the day. Awake, but not really able to focus on one thing in particular long enough, I’ve gotten so tired that I actually HAD to lie down for at least 30 minutes. I wonder… I truly wonder. – I’ll have access to the car tomorrow. I’m hoping there’ll be enough gas in it to make a trip HOME and to Richford and back to the house after dropping Bob where-ever he might have to go. Lyle has an MD appointment at noon so I’ll have a bit of time in the early morning… some-how… I believe. Oh well. For the meanwhile, I watch the rain and, yes, I’m thankful for it. I’ve been hoping for some since I mowed the front lawn. The flower-beds were getting ever so dry. – 23.45 Must be up at 4.30 tomorrow and of all the times, on all of the nights, I got into a discussion, on Twtr, about Québec with some-one from Ontario. It was a good chat, and discussing the politics actually felt rather good. I might not be all on top of the latest, but I do have enough knowledge to discuss. – It rained most of the day today. I can’t help but think it was a way of telling me “Enough is enough.” with the yard-work and such. So, I just let it go along as it was. – Good that I ate quite a bit of breakfast cereal for “lunch” though. Dinner was rather small. Portions were given tonight. I can’t help but wonder what happened to almost 300$ in groceries already. I don’t eat the food from the house and it doesn’t appear that there’s much consumed other-wise. Randy eats precious little, and Lyle and Bob eat only the once (though Bob does have a breakfast before work, but that’s not all that much). This evening, Bob asked me how much I have on my FS card. Honestly, I know that it’s not a lot, since I’ve gone to the market next door a couple of times. They’d “ordered” pasta and never gotten it and for their budget, they’ve all but about 40$ to last until end of the month. (There’s also talk of property taxes due and a 300$ rise in that as well. Of all the months, of all the times, that had to hit them now? I am quite suspicious and cynical about such things, but it reminds me too much of Carol, Bay Shore. And this is not a good time to be reminded of such things. I paid August rent early because they needed. I paid 2 months before I even got here because they needed. And now, as a technicality, I’ve paid September’s rent… although Bob considers it “last month”/security. So maybe September WILL be “last month”. With the way I’m feeling of late, it very well could be anyway. I’m … ) – But this evening, I took Dixie out for a game of Frisbee. It’s become “my responsibility” of late to do so, and Dixie’s grown “attached” to me because of it. She sits at the door, follows me about the house, staring at me. I can’t say that I mind all that much. It’s rather endearing, in a way. She’s a sweet dog, bright too. She worries me sometimes. When I talk to her, the look in her eyes is almost convincing that she actually understands most of what’s being said. So? Just a shame they won’t do anything about the fleas. A moment with the poor dogs and cat in this house and they’re all over… including in my beard and moustache. But I knew this before I got here. So, it’s what comes with the place. I’m back in The North Country… sometimes we have to take what we are offered… though often, never more, sometimes less. Me? NEVER even slightly more. But when I think in terms of how often I’ve been back HOME in the past 2 years… HEY! It’s soon to be 2 years. And look at all that’s happened, not to mention how familiar the strangest places in the State are. And how comfortable I’ve become. Who would have ever… EVER imagined? Certainly not me. – And so, the day passed and I stayed in the room for so much of it that one could rightfully say that I never left it. It’s been a strange sort of day. But then, it should have been. I envy Mum. I truly do. And I wonder what’s kept me going all these years. I’m 3 years past due and yet, even now, I’m still pounding on the key-board, noting the mundane. Life… only here to observe (and take notes), not to participate. It’s moments passing into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years. None of it is fair. It was never meant to be “fair”. All of it, from us to the trees to the insects to the very essence of what “all” of this is… transient. As I thought today:
Everything that is now, will become yesterday… tomorrow. And all will eventually pass into an insignificant past.
There’s a cool wind coming in the window… from the North. I suppose the rains have passed. We have, as Lyle said, “Indian Summer” coming, but for a while to come, the cooler weather will be silently moving in, moving down from the North. I’m only slightly concerned. There will be days of discomfort to come. Cold again. There have been nights already of chills. There will be days of the same. There will be repeats of the Winter passed… if… if… if. – I’ll be exhausted tomorrow morning. Must be up at about 4.30 and that leaves me with just about 4 hours’ sleep tonight. But I’ve napped here and there during the day. Hopefully it will have been enough and the 4 hours tonight will be just another “nap”, and enough to keep me moving along during the day. – As all wraps up, the final thought: Rent here, rent for storage, phone. And a job interview with no guarantee coming… just sliding into what will probably be “too late”. – HOME. Mum. Just what the fuck keeps me here? If only I knew. Why is it: the people who actually love “Life” are the ones who leave it so soon; mean-while, those of us for whom it’s not much more than a burden, linger on, and on and on and… Bis wir uns wiedersehen liebe Mamale… Oui, tu me manques!

Fri.23.Aug: 5.06 Up. In the dark… well… before the sun-rise. Autumn is nigh. Indeed. 4 hours of… sleep(?). It’s about to be an interesting day. – 6.52 Back at the key-board. The sun is pouring in through the window. The sparrows are nibbling at the bread at the window. And except for the air conditioner in the market next door, the world is still in relative silence. A few vehicle pass on the road out front. I left Bob at the “On The Run” in St. Albans and headed back. Not paying attention, I missed the turn-off. But when I got to the 78 I grabbed it, not completely sure where I’d get to but somehow “knowing” it was the right turn to make and… there… sure enough… the Rice Hill! Imagine that! I amaze me… often. I don’t drive much, but I still know so much of this North Country. Sometimes I wonder: is there any truth at all to all of the theories and philosophies about “previous existence”? Have I been here before? Is there really some kind of “Destiny” in all of this bull-shit we call “Life”? How do I “know” where I am and where I’m going? Of course, when all is said and done, all chit-chat is finished and the pondering draws to a close, the one thing that is common always: I don’t truly give a flying fuck. – Right now I’m pondering: take the car, go to Richford to the PO and then to St. Armand for smokes… or wait, take the bike, go to Richford and St. Armand later. It’s all a matter of gas for the car… that’s all it truly is. – This morning Bob tells me that we’re invited to John’s for dinner… tomorrow. “Did Lyle tell you?” No. It’s not that I have so much on my agenda. But I don’t look forward to going … anywhere. Not tomorrow. Not when-ever. Oh well.The intention is good. – 23.29 Just out of a shower. Just in from a smoke. And as I stood out-side I felt the cold and thought “10 degrees tonight”. Just checked the local… 11. – HOME. I SO want to be HOME right now. The thought that keeps running through my head: Sorry folks, I didn’t make it. I never was strong enough to fight it and win. I know what this is. I know what it’s all about. I can even give the “code” for it from the DSM-IV. Stephen Fry learned and chose to live with and fight. I don’t give a fuck-all about fighting. I just want to go HOME… quietly… peacefully. I want to BE HOME! – As for the day, though, I’d have to say that I’m rather amazed at how I just kept going, and going, and moving and, well, KADIMA! It was non-stop! The day got “started” at about 11.00 when I finally decided that I wouldn’t give in to the general fatigue. I was dressed, and wanted to head HOME for a quick visit. Lyle headed out at about 11.30 and that’s when I headed out; he, out the front door and I out the back to the barn, for the bike. Well, it was quite the journey! Total time today: 2,5 hours instead of the usual 3. I suppose I’ve become “expected” at the border now because at les douanes, it was a matter of “Where are you going?” and “Are you bringing anything to leave?”, dip the passport and away. At customs, it was “Where did you go?”, scan the passport and “Have a good day.” Sadly though, took VIDEO of the route… but can’t get it on-line. Actually, there are 3 videos: I held the phone as I biked along the Dutch… corn fields and such. The play-back looks like I’m travelling at quite the velocity, and it’s interesting. I was listening to Francis Cabrel as I recorded and I’d like to get the soft-ware to impose the music audio over… and then to figure how to post and send or something. What a shame I can’t include it on the Journal! (And the file is too large to send via e-mail or SMS message. I think Nancy would like to see it.) Anyway, the cash CAD I had is now back where it belongs… in QC and I’m down to 3,35 in that and nothing to spare. The days, they are meagre. But HOME is just a stroll away… just a stroll away. – SO… I walked in the door of the house, Randy and the zoo, 14.35 or so. On the trip North, it was cool, almost chilly. On the trip back, it was considerably warmer and I was considerably fatigued. But, there’s no coming in, sitting down, relaxing. Not here. I’m not comfortable doing that here (first of all, every-where available to sit leaves the scent of “dog” on clothes, and that’s a scent I’ve never been able to handle, especially on me). Randy was about to prepare dinner, as Bob finishes work at 15.00 and we were both expecting him and Lyle to arrive shortly there-after. I asked if he wanted help. He declined. So immediately I changed into my “Gardener’s” clothes and went right out the door to weed the front flower-bed and the front lawn. Then, did a bit of “cleaning” on the south side of the house. WORK, WORK, WORK. Never, never, never stop… keep going, keep moving, keep “doing”, keep on keepin’ on. Not being certain about dinner, and really not wanting to eat too much (I keep remembering how Bob and Lyle included “FOOD NOT INCLUDED” in the advert for the room and in spite of the FS contributions to the house, I’m still not comfortable eating what I keep thinking of as “their” fod), I stuffed my gut with more blue-berries from the bushes out back. When they’re gone… things will be… – As I worked and wandered about the grounds, I listened to the usual Québec country music and today, the “downs” repeated. A couple of times I was just on the edge of tears. Yesterday was difficult, today was difficult. This week coming is difficult. This MONTH is difficult. I SO want time to myself, just to be able to feel what I feel, to be alone with thoughts and emotions and memories and such. But I haven’t that luxury… again. One day, in the coming week, I’m planning on taking the bike, heading to the “HOME-land” and biking about, further, farther, longer. I need to get into Richford and rather than taking the routes through Franklin, I can take the route from St. Armand through Frelighsburg, into Sutton and down through Abercorn. Familiar territory and an entire day, no doubt. Then, perhaps the same route back, or, a new adventure on the “Rail Trail”. In any event… time for ME! ALONE! I’m HOME-sick… I’m just generally… sick. – L&B got back to the house at about 18.00. They’d gone shopping… for a TV… for L’s dad. Odd, I think, when the topic of “gloom’n’doom” is, here as in most places, budgetary. I find myself wondering how, with double income plus, it can be so difficult for them. But then, this is the 2nd poorest State in the country and I don’t know that particulars of this house and history and such. It’s none of my business, really. It’s just my own particular “bent”, I suppose. I’ve spent most of my life existing on nothing and even less. No, my existence hasn’t been perfect, nor has it even been what could be considered “comfortable”. I’ve been in some pretty nasty places and situations. But I just move along with what little I happen to have at each moment. Hell! Even with-out general transport, I manage to get up, out and see the world around me. I don’t know. Is there even a point in this point? So, when I’d gotten back from my excursion HOME, Randy had had the table set, the food prepared. When L&B arrived, we all sat at table to eat. Chicken, rice, stuffing and corn. I had all but the corn and LARGE portions of rice and stuffing. I ate quite well, I must say. SHIT! I was hungry and had not only managed the 31km travel, but took care of the property as well. I do enjoy the gardening and yard-work, but I can’t help but think: house-hold maintenance isn’t something a “renter” usually does. (But I’ve always been this way, am this way, and will continue this way… no doubt. I recall how Don commented that he’d never experienced anybody who took such good care of property that isn’t their own. Generally speaking: fukme anyway.) But dinner was good, dinner was filling. – After dinner this evening, we didn’t do our usual “Friday Night On The Stoop With Cocktails and Beer”. The chill in the evening air was just too much… for all of us. Clear skies and all, the air was cool and the breeze was chilled. This evening’s decision was to watch a video… in-side. And Bob commented that I was to join them, inside, tonight. (How I dread the coming time of being in-side in the evenings… with the dogs and their barking and such. Dread.) And so, some “vampire” movie was put on, I started to watch, helped me to a drink (rum and coke, followed by a rum-vodka-coke) and when that was done, it was already going for 23.00 and I was about at the very end of what-ever energies I had left. Up-stairs to the shower to scrub me down and off to put on the “New Hampshire sweats” and crawl into bed. (Oh! I’d figured how to inflate the mattress today. Odd sort of thing, similar to a blow-up bed. It’s ever-so firm now and just perfect for a comfy night. How I miss my queen-sized, 4-poster!) – For some reason, I just didn’t feel like saying “good-night” to any-one. I just wanted to crawl into bed, read until dozing, leave it at that.. And, that’s just what I did. – Oh oh oh oh oh… It was dumped at me this morning, as I rode with Bob: the 4 of us are invited to and expected at John’s tomorrow… for dinner! I do NOT want to go. I do like John and appreciate the invite and all. I understand his place is wonderful, and from the way he keeps even his truck just SO immaculate, I can image his home must be ever so clean. But I’m just not in the mind-set for visiting and such things. I’d truly rather use the day alone… maybe even just wandering about les Cantons de l’Est. I’ll have to think of a way out of this… or just go with it and see what it offers. Once again: working on somebody else’s time. I’m selfish to a fault… and I don’t give a flying fuck. – At day’s end, closing thoughts that came smashing into my skull: How I’d like to just be alone these days. Just “Me Myself I” (cue Joan Armatrading). No matter what I’m doing, no matter what goes on around me, the prevailing thought is a constant: I just want to GO HOME! I should probably be happy and satisfied being this close, it’s something that I’d never even thought of accomplishing, and I do like being in VT, and I’m always touched when I think in terms of being back in “The North Country”, but my spirit just isn’t at Peace… yet. I just want to be “HOME”. And I’ve rather decided “where” I’d like to be, at a place where I can “see” the place I’ve come to think of as my “Home” here, that crazy little town where the river flows through, where I’d walked through the snows, in the Peace I’d come to know, where the people were sweet and kind, and in spite of the hard-ships, it really was quite wonderful. And tonight, as usual, I was tempted to jot a note to SB just to say ‘I don’t understand why you’ve cut communications. If you’re afraid of me for some reason, you’re insane. If you hate me, you’re so wrong, so very wrong.’ I doubt that I’ll ever contact him again. I think of this as one of those things that are better left alone. I’d like to believe that he’s more fearful of getting in touch with me and not that he’s angry or hateful. I do miss him and I do wish him well… not matter what. – And tonight, I’m very tired… very, god-awful tired… on so many levels, in so many ways.

Sat.24.Aug: 7.28 and 7 degrees… But bright sun-shine. And I wonder why I’m awake. I’m SO tired. Woke with leg cramps last night. And generally feeling… ick. – 10.33 already! This morning is passing so quickly! The sun is finally warming the air, but I’m sitting here with the hooded sweat-shirt on. How odd. I’m cold. Just last night, as I stood out front, having a smoke, gazing up at the night sky, in some degree of the usual “awe” of being back in “The North Country”, under the “North star”, looking up the empty road, thinking of how close I am to HOME, the thought of being “cold” again got to me. I enjoy the cold more than the heat, but Winter past just went a bit too deep into the bones. I’m what could be considered “old” now, and the cold is beginning to get to me. I dread it. The shivering, the crunching into myself. I don’t know. I’m just tired of it. I certainly don’t want to be where I’d never feel the cold again. But the notion of being THAT cold again? Not such a great thing. – ON THE OTHER HAND… I GOT THE VIDEO ON-LINE! Thanks SO much to Tumblr! And I sent a text and an e-mail to Nancy so that she can see it!!! I’m just SO tickled by it! SO SO often, as I bike along chemin Dutch I think of how it would be SUCH FUN to travel with her along the roads up there. But now, at least she can get to SEE THE ROAD! As I sent the link to her I thought: I can’t think of anybody else I’d like to send this to… there aren’t any “important” people in my life these days, except Nancy. Yup… she’s “Family” and “Friends”. And I’m grateful… truly, very Grateful. – It would seem that the house will be waking soon. That miserable little yipping thing across the hall has begun just now. How I’d enjoy gluing it’s little snout shut! Yipping at nothing. When the dogs bark, I give them a snap on the snout. It’s really rather interesting when I think about it: Randy and Lyle are Vermonters, Lyle from the “rural” and Randy from the (and I chortle) “urban”, yet both from “New England” and where I’d think they’re more “Country” than much else. Bob, from the “rural”. And yet, me, I’m more “Country” than they when it comes to animals. Animals do NOT belong in the bed. Animals NEED a bit of reprimanding, only to the point of a snap on the snout or a smack with a rolled paper. Yet they sleep with pets in the bed (even under the blankets!) and only go so far as a mention of a name as a corrective measure. And of course, that’s completely useless. Oh well. “Soon and very soon…” (cue Andrea Crouch). – I’m “nappish” now. 20 minutes. – THE VIDEO IS ON-LINE! YAY! – 15.37 At 15.49 all were awake and a-buzz. I went down-stairs to have a smoke and Randy asked: “Are you dressed to go?” (I was in my knock-around sweats.) When I asked what time “we” were leaving, he answered “We’re supposed to be there by 3.” OK. So, last I’d heard it was “between 3 and 5”. And all day today nobody says anything? Oh well. A feigned stomach trouble and I now have what’s left of this day to myself. Too late to head HOME (border closed). Too late for a lot of things that I could have done… including getting to my PO box. Not thrilled. But a day of … what? – (Sun. morning) A day of almost nothing. I stayed in, wandered round the Internet. No gardening. No yard work. No house-work. Just wandering round the Internet. By the time they all left, it was too late to start much of anything. In retrospect, I could have worked on my music collection. I could have one some thing.But, what I DID do is something I’d wanted to do when I was in NY, and something ELSE that I was told I’d be helped with: The shirt. Back in NY, I told EW that I wanted to bleach a fleur de lis into the work-shirt that I wore to the studio. As we agreed, “painting” bleach onto fabric would bleed. He told me that there is a “paste” that could be used, and, again, as he’d done all along, he said he’d help me with this little project. And, as was the case for those 2,5 months, I got no “help” and the matter was dropped. (There are “letters” I want to compose, one of these days, probably to include on this Journal, “letters I’ve written, never meaning to send”, to just get SO much off my chest, out of my blood, letters that make me burn, white-hot, things and truths that really deserve to be said, but would bring no good if said, and would make no difference if written and sent. Letters, to EW, siblings, others… One day they’ll be composed… one day.) Well, today, I finally got and no have the shirt. And it wasn’t done with some special paste, nor “professional” process, under direction of some flagrant idiot. It was created in a simple room, in a little, old North Country, brick farm house, in a tiny North Country town, by a man with a notion. And… it turned out quite well! I am pleased… I am proud. I hand-washed the finished shirt in the kitchen sink, used a bit of fabric softener in the rinse, tossed it into the dryer and… I now have the shirt I’d imagined… MONTHS ago! I did it… on my own (as usual). – And I took Dixie and Ellie out to the back yard and we played Frisbee for a bit. They’re very sweet and have become attached. Dixie, particularly. Where-ever and when-ever I appear round the house, her ears perk, she stares directly at me and if I mention anything even remotely associated with the yard or out-side, she runs to the back door and sits, waiting for me. I’m associated with her play-time and fun. And how she DOES enjoy the Frisbee!!! If allowed to, she’d probably keep playing until she’d have a heart-attack. But OH! How she enjoys it! And… how I enjoy being a part of that. She’s a delight, and it actually means more to me that she and Ellie and Cubby like me, than all the rest in the house-hold. When-ever it’s discussed, how they’ve attached to me, both Bob and Lyle insist: “They know good people.” Me, I sometimes wonder if they don’t actually sense the “Truth”. And I’m thankful that they can’t communicate it. But those moments in the yard with them is pure delight, no matter ‘what’ they ‘know’. – A mention: Although it will ne’er be of any use, save to me for what-ever time, I did manage to create a bobbtvd using the lap-top. A little “experiment” to see and use another “feature” of this piece-of-shit-lap-top. It worked. Not “well”. But it “functioned” and… it served a better purpose. Not “gr8”, as it were, but… – The guys all returned rather late. About 21.00 I think. Sober and full of “You would have loved it!” Apparently John’s place is as I expected: neat, orderly, clean. In fact, Randy brought his Chica and John asked that he not bring her into the house because she has fleas. (I like John.) So, as I heard it, they spent the day out on the porch and in the yard. Yes, I would have “loved it”. As I type this in, I can’t help but think: Indeed, it would be nice to be there instead, but he’s in Fairfield… too far from my HOME. I want (need?) to be closer to HOME and, as it is with all things in “Life”, we have to “pay” for the things that mean most to us. – Bob and Lyle were amazed at the work on the shirt. (I should really get back into my paintings. They’d probably like those as well. I have them, framed, in a bag. I’ve been meaning to take them out of the frames and put them into a binder. Another project… un-done.) – As they all settled back into the house, Bob and I went to the front stoop to smoke and talk into the night. We watched the moon come up over the hill across the road. It never ceases to amaze me as I watch how quickly the moon “rises” (and tonight, memories of sitting at the kitchen table at 3150 Rochambeau, watching the sun rise in the morning, and being quite amazed by that as well). When I said to Bob “When you look at that, it shows just how quickly this entire planet is moving!” he didn’t appear to be at all impressed. And I was impressed at how un-impressed he was. To think… in mere moments, the moon appeared and cleared the horizon, and we could actually SEE it. Well, it is as so much else is: I remember Mack B. telling me “Being with you is really wonderful sometimes; you see things, the little things that most people miss. You’ve shown me so much more than I’ve ever even thought of, and in a way, you’ve changed so much of my life with things I’ll never forget.” I guess I fuck people’s lives that way: they see “the little things”…for a change. Good for them. But it’s only more of passing along what my Mum had shown me: Look at the world… even when All seems to be hopelessly miserable, the World goes on just the way it was intended, and there is amazement in the things we take for granted, things we don’t understand and things we’ll never understand. – And so, the day turned into the night, and the night turned into the hour when it was time to close our eyes on it. – It got truly chilled again tonight. August, the harbinger of the Winter to come. By the time I’d come back up-stairs to this little room, the temperature had dropped back down to 11. I put on the light grey sweats, my “bed socks” (with-out which, I knew I’d be rudely awakened during the night with god-awful leg cramps… I’ve gotten that old). No reading tonight, just get into the bed, under the cover, put out the light and drift off in a fog of concern… about debts, things in storage that are needed even now and unattainable, how to make sure they don’t get swiped away, and the job at the PO… and, as it sometimes is: wondering where all those people I’d spent my time through life giving help to, even at my own detriment, are today, and where they’d all been when-ever ‘I’ needed a bit of “help”. And, as is the case, I remember, this morning, putting my-self at peace thinking: It doesn’t matter… in the long run, in the greater scheme, when all is said, done and written… it… they… none of it matters at all. ALL of this too shall, in time, pass into an insignificant “past” that will ALL, in time, be forgotten. Amen.
Border Patrol: Not so frequent here, but fondest memories of Richford come with them. Days and nights alone. Times wondering if SB would be coming back North, only to see the night come, sitting in the house alone, and looking out the window to see this familiar green stripe and thinking “They too, are here on these cold nights, here, in this little town… in The North Country.” And some-how, I felt comfortable.

Sun.25.Aug: 9.00 The sun is shining in through the window and it’s warm in this little room. Bright and warm. And I’ve slept entirely too, TOO late. – I woke to the most haunting “melody” from the wind-chimes at the front door. Haunting, and delightful. How, I wonder, did the breeze manage to actually create “music”? What makes it SO interesting is that the melody repeated, several times, in the same sequence. A breeze… a melody… repeating. First thing in the morning. Today. A breeze creates a melody on wind-chimes. Yes, I am rather amazed. – 9.50 John, it was said last night, will be here at about 11.00. Lyle and Bob bought a new kitchen table and John “volunteered” (as Bob put it) to pick it up and bring it to the house in his pick-up. (Me? I’m expecting that my “help” is expected to get it off the truck and into the house. Of course…) And, as I seem to recall, they (L&B) also bought a TV for Lyle’s father and that will be brought to him today at some point. For that, I wont’ be expected to “lend a hand”… I shouldn’t think. – Me? I have my “shirt” to wear today and there’s sun-shine to be gotten!!! And another day I don’t look forward to, rather resent being in (as is usual), but will use to all it has to offer. One more coffee and … we’re out of this room. The “Jester” will be on stage… the idiot returns. – Brief mention: Sept. is “Pride Month” here in VT. I’m already being “planned” to attend and participate. I don’t and didn’t do that shit in NYC! I don’t want to “participate” here! And October is Halloween and again, plans for attendance and participation. And I ask: WHY do people not just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? – Life… I’m just here to observe, not participate. – 10.23 As I put this on-line I see the typos, many of which I know I didn’t make as I typed. This lap-top is a piece of 300$ SHIT! – 10.44 Just putting all of this on-line and looking at the “up-date” I see that it’s all fucked-up! I mean, REALLY? WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK? Typos, mis-alignment, changes in fonts and all sorts of bull-shit! The damned lap-top can’t keep up with my typing, WordPress is a general fuck-up. I have no patience for this shit this morning! I have no patience for the incompetence of the creators of this shit! Bunch of fuckwads, the lot of them. And yet, as incompetent as they are, they’re still being paid for doing shit quality work. The whole bloody World has gone complete fucked-in-the-head. –
– It’s been two months since the walk from Milton to St. Albans. Two months and this toe still hasn’t healed. Two months. It doesn’t hurt as often as it did. But really, what the hell is the problemme here anyway? Bull-shit! Just more bull-shit!
– 20.41 Out of the shower and in the W.Leb sweats and all but ready to pass out. I don’t really know why I’m so tired this evening, but I am. – John did bring the new kitchen table and at a point in time when I was out with Dixie and having my “morning” smoke in the yard. And it wasn’t at 11… more like 11.30. Anyway, my assistance was requested (no surprise there) and so, of course, I went. WELL! That table is amazingly heavy! And quite beautiful, I must say. But heavy. None-the-less it’s now in the kitchen and we had dinner on it this evening. All’s well with the table. – The rest of the day, L&B went to L’s dad to install the new TV they’d gotten for him and then they had a couple of errands to run and me? I worked on the front of the house: cleaned the front flower bed, under the lilac, a bit on the North flower bed and just the tiniest bit in the back yard, including a mowing of the grass under the swing (with the reel mower, of course). It wasn’t much, in comparrison to what I’ve been doing previously, but for some reason, today, it’s taken the starch out of me. Oh, I put up a steel wheel found in the loft of the barn… on the front of the house. Apparently L&B like the look. Me? Oh well. It was something to “do”. – Tonight I ate rather well: 3 “Boca Burgers” on buns. There was talk about L&B having gone shopping on the way back from their dad’s, getting the buns for dinner and a cheesey plastic table cloth (because there are something like “inlays” on it with spaces between where food and such can get caught) and a mention that they’d had only barely enough for what they’d bought. (That chat was with Randy as I made chit-chat with the dogs… oblivious.) There’s much mention of the increase in the property tax and Lyle is rather furious about it. From what I gather, it’s about 1400/yr now which, all told, isn’t all that bad, considering. But the two of them are strapped, financially. I know Bob has to pay child support (and who knows what else with his divorce). Lyle has medical expenses and such. But I wonder… not that it’s any of my business… where the income goes. And of course, this would have to come THIS month, NOW, when I am SO strapped that I’m hoping to scrape enough change out of my back-pack to pay the phone (and will have to beg kindness from storage), never mind come up with the rent for Sept. (which I sort of paid before I got here when I sent 2 months’ worth ahead of time, so as a matter of technicality, I don’t “owe” until October but still, I feel rather like shit because I know, too well, what it feels like to have nothing… in spite of the fact that it’s none of my concern). – SO. The weather was hot today. The sun was rather beastly. But this evening, light clouds have rolled in and the forecast is for rain beginning some time round 22.000 and lasting through the day tomorrow. (And I’d wanted to take the bike to Richford tomorrow. Oh well. There are other things I can certainly do around this house instead.) – I finally got this on-line Journal together, as best as I can. This lap-top is a piece of shit, and this WordPress thing is disappointing of late as “captions” under images don’t function properly and I’d wanted a couple in here. Oh well. We can’t always (ever?) get what we want. – And so, right now, there is a pan in the sink and a steamer as well, waiting to be washed. I was going to do them after dinner, but I came up to my room to relax a bit and now? Now it’s 21.01 and I’m ready for bed. That will have to wait until morning. HeyShit! It’s not like I sat round all bloody day or anything. And it’s not as if I don’t DO anything round here. So… I really need to work on this shitty self-image thing (not that I’ll ever be successful at changing it in any way). – No little “snacks” tonight. I ran out. A few dollars left on the FS card, but I don’t feel comfortable bringing food on my own into the house. Silly, yes. But… that’s me. I listen to the other 3 talk about not having (meanwhile, Bob works full-time, Lyle and Randy are on some kind of disability payments and I’m all but getting by with nothing more than FS and what little I managed to scrimp… matter of fact, the phone will be paid with the saved 5’s this month. OK then.) – I don’t know why I mention all of this. I suppose it’s just to get it the hell out of my mind, as is the case with most of this “Journal”. Bull-shit all. – Well, a moment or 2 on-line now and then… to bed! THIS day must CLOSE!

Mon.26.Aug: 15.14 Just returned from “cleaning” in the barn. I now have a bit of a place for all the yard-work tools (those that I’ve found along the way… there’s MORE buried back there but I just don’t have the energy for some reason). – A thought: Yesterday evening, Bob and I went “browsing” across the road at the Ford dealer. Beautiful trucks, brand new, some of them are actually “cars” (double cabs and such). But I looked at the mileage on some: 17 mi/gal!? Jeezus! Drive it off the lot and it’ll barely make it to the nearest service station out here! Then, the price: 36000$! 42000$! And to think, my parents bought the first house, right after I was born, (imagine this… just about 58 years ago) for 16000$! 3 bed-rooms, full eat-in kitchen, living-room, 1 full bath and a full basement with garage on what MUST have been about half acre of land! It all makes me just SO ready to check-out of this insanity. – Anyway, this morning I woke at about 7.00, which was MUCH later than I’d wanted to wake. But the strangest thing: I woke with the alarm, turned it off and went into a half-sleep, dreaming, more or less, that I was accomplishing the things I’d wanted to get done today. What a shockeroo when I suddenly realised that I wasn’t awake at all! Oh well. It’s been a rainy sort of day. I was going to spend a few hours “cleaning” the files on the lap-top (wihch I actually did, but didn’t finish) and then spend some hours in the barn (which I did, and sort of finished, as much as I can right about now). So, I suppose this was OK. – Tomorrow is supposed to be an OK sort of weather sort of day. I hope. I MUST go into Richford to put my 5’s into the banque so I can pay the phone! (Wipe-out!) It’s to be a “Rail Trail” trip, about the distance round-trip from here to St. Armand… each way. So I’m looking at at LEAST 6 hours’ travel time. Well, I don’t much like to “hang” about the house anyway. So this will keep me out of the way. – Meanwhile, when I came in, moments ago… well… when I went out at about noon, Lyle was still asleep. When I came in, he was sitting in the living-room, on the phone, most likely with Bob who is most likely en route back from work. There’s much talk of late about the property taxes and the absence of food in the house. Hmmm… Randy put in at least 200$ this month, and I added just over another 100$. I practically live on the blue-berries in the back yard, eating only once each day here (and my occasional PopTarts which I sneak in for me). I do believe that Randy puts in his FS in lieu of rent, which is, honestly, none of my business. But I’ve paid 3months’ rent already (the 2 before I got here in June, plus August… and I arrived on the 26th June with July and August paid… So – I need to do this – 26 June to 26 July paid in advance. 26 July to 26 August paid in advance. 26 August to 26 September paid in July toward rent for August but… 26 June to 26 July, 26 July to 26 August, 26 August to 26 September… PAID! They’re out of money and I’m heart-sick thinking I can’t afford September’s rent when, in fact, it’s already been PAID! I’m a complete shit4brains. Oh well….) And so, as I type along, I just have to say that when I came in, AGAIN dryer is running!!! AGAIN Randy is washing his bed-linens! Why? Because he lets the damned dogs sleep in his bed, Daisy has a rash and licks to the point of drooling through the night, ALL of the dogs (and cat) are loaded with FLEAS. SO! I wanted to wash the clothes I wear when I do the yard work… NOT happening today. NOT happening tomorrow either, unless I get up at 5.30 and begin then. – So much for the bitch-fest. 15.36 and Bob just arrived. The bloody-fucking dogs are barking. I’m a bit on the tired side of life. And… as I say… so much for the bitch-fest. – 19.04 “Crisp Rice” breakfast cereal with room temperature water and sugar. Today’s “meal”, following a “dinner” of approx. 3 tablespoons of pasta, with approx. 4 tablespoons of sauce. Lyle cooked, served Bob and himself. Randy took his portion and with what I took, there was about just as much as I’d taken left in the pot. OK then. I washed the dinner dishes, dried and put them away. Yup. But Lyle and Randy did make sure to watch their TV show for about an hour today. And Randy’s laundry is done. And tomorrow, I’ll be out on the bike by about 6am to get to Richford and back before the rains come back in. OK then. And I’ll bring my back-pack so I can use what little is left on the FS and go to Mac’s (tinned pasta… I’m so glad I know how to live “Homeless”), put a bit of food in it and bring it into the house un-detected. (I won’t give cause to be spoken about in my absence: “I wonder where he got the money to buy food for himself even while he eats ours.” which isn’t “ours” since “we” get the food on others’ FS and ONE of the others is losing weight whilst not eating.) But I’m just being miserably ungrateful. I’m just tired today. Just tired of so many things that I don’t even have the energy to think about. Just tired. (Probably malnourishment. OK. Let’s blame it all on that and move on.) – 20.36 Showered and getting ready to get under the covers and try for sleep. Early morning tomorrow and hungry as hell tonight. Shower and bed are the best moves. Besides, for some reason, tonight my body has an odour of… well… rotting flesh. It was rather unpleasant when the warm water hit me in the shower. So, I used a bit of Clorox Clean-Up as well as soap. Didn’t make it completely better, but a little is better than what it was before the shower. – I wonder tonight: When somebody claims to be doing SO much for the Homeless by making videos and tossing dontated socks at them, people will clamour to “donate” free and clear. However, when a person honestly and out-right tells society that they’re in need, society will flatly ignore. It make no sense to me. But then, the World makes no sense to me. Just a thought. – The house is unusually quiet tonight. I’m uncomfortable. Bob was pleasant at dinner and when I helped with the cover for the new kitchen table. But there’s something “not right” in the house tonight. If it wasn’t going to rain over-night, I’d finish this, post it and head out to Richford directly. Since my pace now is about 3mi/h and the distance is about 19mi, if I left, let”s say, at 21.00… I’d be in town by, oh, round about 3.30 or so. But, it’s supposed to rain during the night and I’d really rather not deal with that on the roads. So, better to wrap the day up here, get under the covers, maybe read a bit and even if I wake at 2.00, I can still get me together and out, maybe even at 4.00 before Bob wakes for work. Just some things to ponder. – I can’t help but think that there’s something “wrong” in the house and that I’m some-how associated with it. I could be wrong. But then, I could be right and usually, when it comes to things like this, my gut is most often right. Oh well. As much as I can’t tolerate the “tension” (and I truly can’t… not at all), if people refuse to talk with me, then there’s nothing that will be settled, no matter what it might be. I should just let it all fly by. – A note: Randy washed his bed linens today. When they were dry, he tossed them onto his bed, in a pile, and left them there for most of the day. Cubby (the cat) and Dixie (the dog) slept on them. Just as I was going into the shower, Randy was making his bed… with the linens. OK? Major Tom to Ground Control… Hello? –

Tue.27.Aug: 6.59 FOG! Well, that put a damper on taking off on the roads THIS morning! The phone is due tomorrow, I have to get to the banque before paying it. But there’s no way I could take the bike out on these roads in this weather. What is this? A message? Something? Anything? Just my “Life”. So I put my “daily clothes” into the washer already. Lyle’s snoring. Randy’s asleep. And oddly, it’s hotter than all in this house this morning. The rains are supposed to come round 14.00. But the fog is supposed to be gone by… well… now. We shall see. We shall see. – (Thu) Well to recap the day and here we go! – Started in the barn with a bit of clean-up and clean out with strip-down 10z in the loft. Indeed! It was something I’d rather thought about for a while and since the weather wasn’t looking co-operative, I thought a day in the barn would be a good idea. Not only was it supposed to rain, but it was HOT, HOT, HOT, and HUMID, HUMID, HUMID! Final opinion? As I’m wont to say: Sometimes the phantasie is better than the reality. And so, it was off to yet more yard-work, and some “detailing” in the front of the house… getting the tiny weeds up and out and tilling the soil a bit. – Well, as I tilled and toiled, the reality f the situation kept repeating in my head until, round about noon, or half-past, with-out so much as a “by your leave”, I was on the bike and on the road! But instead of going to Richford, as I’d hoped and planned (like hoping and planning have anything to do with anything), I headed down to the Rail Trail and into Enosburg. A bit closer and made more sense at this hour and in this weather. HOW-ever… in my haste, I didn’t bother to bring anything to drink. Not to mention, at one point along the Rail Trail, I quite literally and actually DOZED-OFF AS I WAS PEDALLING! Now there’s a novelty: Never mind falling asleep at the wheel… I fell asleep at the handle-bars. How delightful. Well, par for the course, I suppose. But I made it to the TD in town, tossed the last of the cash into the machine, got the receipt and and now flat-arsed busted-broke. Tah-dah. (But I have an interview in about a week’s time. Isn’t THAT encouraging? PUKE!) – As I finished the transaction I thought: lollipops! This is the lollipop banque! It wasn’t “food” but it was sugar and something to “go” on. When I popped into the branch to get my “meal” I laughingly told the teller “I’ve done my business here and now I’m stopping in for lunch.” and in the conversation, mentioned how I’d just gotten onto the bike and ran along. SHE OFFERED ME A BOTTLE OF WATER! I was SO deeply touched. Imagine? To be THAT thoughtful? There’s the difference between “People” and a “Financial Institution”. She was SO KIND! And… little will she ever know, she helped more with the trip back… especially since I didn’t stop along the way in either direction… just kept moving along, moving along, moving along. – Ah, but there were MORE things to be experienced on this day… and to that end: (1) As I came across the 105 at the barn, I actually got to witness, first-hand (oh my) the filling of a “Souper Pooper”! Sucked up from a pit in the ground, bovine turds, god-knows-what and water, sucked up and spat into the back end of a tanker which pulled-out and crossed the trail just as I arrived! How delightful! How disgusting! How, I thought, this is what is in the soil, gets pulled up into the corn stalks to produce the corn that eventually makes it to the dinner table… not to mention, gets soaked into the soil and works its way into the water system. There MUST be something terribly WRONG with this! MUST BE! But what came next was a delight of delights. (2) Passing through the next corn field, I came to the final (or first, depending on direction travelled) bridge and there, at the edge of the corn field, I thought I saw a rather bushy, large dog. But when it stopped… it was a BEAUTIFUL RED FOX! LARGE! and OH SO GORGEOUS! I haven’t seen a fox since I was a child! And never one this BIG! It paused at the edge of the corn to turn and look at me before disappearing into the wooded area. It was too far away, and I was too taken by its appearance, and my phone-camera is too shitty to have gotten a picture. But what a memory for this trip! What TWO memories for this trip! Even in the oppressive heat and humidity and the purpose, what wonderful events. It never fails: the World will toss the most un-likely events into some of the worst days. And here, I got 2. See? If I’d have driven the car, neither of these would have taken place. Not that it makes the bike-ride in this weather any better. But indeed, it was quite the experience. – Then too, as I trudged the last 5mi, up the 120… UP the 120, I had time to ponder, which is never any good:
PONDER NR.1:
At 350/mo, for the month of June: 11,66/day.
Arrival: 25 (25-30=69,96).
83$ in FS when I got here in June (13,04 over).
Paid July rent PLUS FS of an amount I can’t recall at present.
Paid August rent PLUS FS of round about 100$.
WTF?
The rent for Sept. is PAID! Even if it’s to be the “last” month, I’ve still paid it!
Now-then, I don’t see why I should even be concerned about any of this. Not only have I fully paid my way in the house, but I’ve even paid in extra! I’ve heard the stories about Val paying her rent via food in FS. As I hear, she put in 200 in FS and allegedly ate 150. But then, who knows for certain? Me? I’ve never once even remotely hinted at wanting to participate or partake in dinner, and when I do, I eat so little that it’s negligible. Not to mention, I actually WORK round the house… for HOURS almost EVERY day. So it certainly isn’t a matter of being in anybody’s debt and it certainly isn’t a matter of sitting about, rather enjoying the time lounging and the likes, as a “Renter” might do. And yet, SO MUCH ANXIETY over this not being able to “contribute” the rent for Sept. which is, in fact, PAID! I just HATE and can’t really handle the bull-shit that I simply anticipate. And I’m well aware of the fact that “anticipatory anxieties” tend to be worse than the actual event. Not to mention: I NEED to stop giving a shit about what people will say. No matter what I do, no matter what kind of kind person I’ve ever been, SOMEbody ALWAYS has SOMEthing nasty to say. It’s always been that way. I need to drop it and let the issue go.
PONDER NR.2… THE WHAMMY OF WHAMMIES!!!!!:
ONE YEAR AGO ON MY B’DAY…. COURT!!!!! FUCKING DIANE OLSEN AND DAYS INN!!!
MY BIRTHDAYS ARE BAD ENOUGH… SHE JUST PUSHED THE KNIFE RIGHT UP INSIDE MY RECTUM!
AND NOTHING IS DONE TO STOP IT… NOTHING. BULL-SHIT! THANKS A LOT!
FROM NOW ON, EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY, I’LL GET TO REMEMBER GOING TO COURT, BEING ACCUSED OF BEING A FELON, AND HOW THAT STOPPED ME FROM GETTING A JOB, WHICH MADE THAT WINTER SO COLD, AND HOW, IN IT’S OWN FASHION, MADE IT SO THAT I COULDN’T PARTICIPATE IN THE HOUSE-HOLD EXPENSES AS I COULD HAVE DONE AND THAT, IN TURN, LED TO THE DESTRUCTION OF WHAT MAY HAVE BEEN A FRIENDSHIP! THAT LED TO HAVING HAD TO GO BACK TO NYC FOR 2 MONTHS WHICH CAUSED MORE HARD FEELINGS BETWEEN ME AND SOMEONE I’D KNOWN FOR YEARS AS WELL AS PEOPLE WHOM I’D ONLY JUST MET AND… LED TO LEAVING RICHFORD! THIS GOES ON AND ON AND ON… AND IT WILL NOW BE EVERY YEAR THAT I’M CONSCIOUS ON THAT DATE. AND YET, THE BEST SUPPORT I’VE EVE GOTTEN THROUGH THE INCIDENT IS A “TSK TSK” AND A “GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE”. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! JUST PLAIN AND SIMPLE: FUCK YOU! AND YES, I WILL GET ON WITH MY LIFE AND THE WORLD CAN SUCK THE SHIT FROM MY ARSE HOLE WHEN MY “LIFE” IS OVER AND I SHIT THE SHEETS.
(Isn’t that such a pleasant thought as one traverse the hills and valleys?)
And so, the trip back too 1,5hrs. I clocked that part because it’s mostly up hill and the harder part. I KNOW I’ll be biking into town for my job interview on the 4th, so this is good to know. I’ll have to be on the bike and on the road and on the way by not later than 8.30. Let’s hope for some good weather? NO RAIN! – OH, it’s August in The North Country and the black flies were abundant. I must have gotten at least 6 right in the eye! But… all said and done, by just about 16.00 I was back at the house and dozing on the swing in the back yard. I got up and strolled to the blue-berry bushes for what I expected to be the day’s meal… I didn’t want to go inside the house and listen to the dogs barking… especially since I could hear them barking even from out-side the house! Useless bits of… well, it’s not really their fault. They bark, and all that’s done to “correct” that is a simple “Girls…?” Fuck that shit! SLAP them! But no. So, rather than be the cause of an annoyance, I decided to stay out. Besides, I’m not feeling like eating “the house’s” food any longer. Quite honestly? I’m not feeling like eating anything at all any longer. But I know I must. – SO! Bob came out to the yard to call me in for dinner and, since I’d been “discovered” in the yard (my fault), and in order to avoid any sort of “situation”, I went in… Hot dogs! Delicious! And since they’d been cooked and there was one left in the bowl, I had 3. Well shit! Anything not eaten at table goes to the friggin dogs… the dogs eat better than I do. – Dinner done and I took Dixie out for her fun: FRISBEE! She’s “bonded” with (to?) me so much now that she sits patiently and waits for me. And I must admit, it’s rather fun. She SO gets into the fetching and such and you can almost feel her pleasure and enjoyment. Not to mention, it’s like all else: I have the time and the ability, there’s no reason I shouldn’t play with her, give her a few moments of fun. It would be nice if I could get that… and actually, I do. Her fun is my fun. – Honestly though, tonight I’m quite a bit on the achy side from all the pedalling and the heat and the dehydration and such. But, it’s not important. – Next came the bloody PHONE! After all the pedalling and such and the trouble and such… I SO BLOODY FUCKING HATE THE BULLSHIT OF TRYING TO PAY THE FUCKING PHONE BILL! It’s never easy. I’ve tried on-line…. KRISTE I MISS METRO PCS!!! The service may have been a bit on the shitty side, but DAMN! They had their bill-pay down! Zip, snap, done. ATT? FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME! But today, as “RJ” gave me the run-around, I actually posted my comments to Twtr. Seriously? I’m fed-up! He pushed me over the line when he asked for my phone number, then, asked me for my name and when I immediately told him to address me as “Mr…” he had the audacity to ask if he could address me by my first name! I am NOT “friends” and he is NOT my “family” and we are NOT “familiar”! And I’m just sick to puke of being addressed by my first name from these idiots! THEN he went and changed my PIN number! Now there’s a true “son of a bitch” if ever there was one. Make it worse? Indian accent! This shit has gotten on my very last nerve! As it turned out, I just ended the call to the Customer Disservice. I just couldn’t take any more! Now to see IF the payment will actually get posted. Insipid morons! – Other-wise, in spite of the over-heard comment about the bills being high because of “dishwasher and showers”, I TOOK my shower this evening. I figure: The property looks so much better because of my efforts, I’m not asking for any kind of “favours” for doing it, but the place is improved and I don’t benefit from it other than being occupied and enjoying the time to myself. Furthermore, I work up a sweat doing it, not to mention the crawling under shrubs, in the dirt, with the insects and such. The very least I deserve is the luxury of showering the day’s sweat, dirt and insects off before getting into bed. And so it is. – 20.36 and I’m exhausted, it’s really quite warm in the room and I’m missing the window fan! The room is getting “stale” but still smells better than the house. No “dog” and, for the most part, no fleas. I suppose, all said and done, I should be quite happy with the way things are… on this side of the door. – And now? Time for a book, a read, and a rest. Wrap this day up, call it a day and forget about it.

Wed.28.Aug: 20.16 I haven’t stopped moving and doing and gardening and working round the house and yard from since about 11.00 this morning. Save for the short time at dinner, after which I got up and went back out to work on the south side of the house. A day of keeping busy, trying to avoid thoughts, but failing at that. Friday… I don’t want to know about Friday. I don’t want to be with me on Friday. I don’t want to be here on Friday. I don’t want to BE on Friday. I want it to be over and done with. – This morning, with-out alarm clock or anything, I woke at 3.30. I stayed up. When Bob left, he saw the light on in the room and called up from the road. “Good-Byyye!” I waved, not wanting to wake the house and start the dogs barking. Ah, the dogs. I stay in this room until I have no choice (to go shit in the morning… since I pee in plastic bottles so as not to open the door to go to the bath-room). Randy’s Chica has been much better about not barking as I leave, but still gives a bit of a growl. Now it’s Ellie’s turn to make the shit hit the fan. Oh, and speaking of shit: this evening I mentioned to Bob that I’ve got ring-worm. As I put it (as I watched Chica take an dump in the yard… the yard which is already almost inch-to-inch dog shit): I mustn’t come into the yard wearing flip-flops. And then, Bob spies a small, smeared plop and checks his shoes. I said that I’d probably sat in it whilst working in that part of the flower bed. WELL!!! I’m on the (s)hit parade now! Earlier today I over-heard Lyle talking with Bob on the phone. Seems the oil for hot water is down and they can’t get any more until the out-standing is paid (1500 for the pellets for the stove that they had delivered this Winter passed?). Said Lyle, “We’re already through half of our Winter allotment… because of the dish-washer and showers.” Showers? OK. Now it’s MY fault? Then Randy tells me they’re 500 past due on the electric? Lyle gets 700/mo and I doubt Bob makes all that much. This evening he came to ask if I had any cash. 4,62 to my name here and not much more than that in the banque. He needs gas money to get to work through Friday. And I have none, especially since paying the phone which I thought I might need for work, which isn’t guaranteed and… well… these are the things I tried to work away from today. – This morning I worked more on the music that I want completed on Friday. Fat fucking chance of that happening. My hearts’s no longer in it. – The berry bushes in the back yard are just about done for the season. One bush, sparse. I’ve pretty much been living off those. – I actually fell asleep on the swing in the back yard this evening. Bob woke me for supper. I ate well enough, then went to finish the gardening. – This afternoon I hit my left fore-arm with the garden trolly. HUGE LUMP formed, turned a bit red, then purple, then spread out and disappeared. Remnant left this evening. Clot? May it be like Opa. But sooner and quicker please. (Daisy? Your gardens are clean now. The work’s almost done. Looking good!) – Oh, and Bob and Lyle went to the credit union for an equity loan and thought that it would be all complete and such by Friday. Papers in on Thursday, money on Friday? Two weeks. They’re not happy. (And me? Although I’m actually paid in the rent through Sept. I’m not so happy these days. Tomorrow I have an errand to do… to get to Richford… via HOME. If the PO job doesn’t come through… HOME it is and though not “le Nord”, HOME is HOME and I’ve found a delightful little spot where it will be quite nice. And then Randy can move into this room and they can rent the back room to some-one else.) – ANY WAY…. I’m quite tired. 1,5 smokes remain tonight. It was a miserably HOT and HUMID day again today and I’m hoping tomorrow will be even a touch cooler so that I can get on the road and just travel! (I have to make a quick wash in the morning though… HEY! The shower and such wasn’t discussed with me so I get to play “stupid”. AND… the clothes are dirty from the gardening and yard work that has made the house/property look less neglected which might help with the equity loan, not to mention other things concerned with the house. SO? The LEAST I can have in return for the work is a laundry and a shower. Yes? I should think.) – That said, I need to get the notes of yesterday compiled into writing (not tonight Josephine) and for now, I need to get me into the bed. Much planned for tomorrow and an early start is necessary (in spite of the forecast for more early fog… fuck it!). – 22.07 Quick evening on Twtr to keep the shit going (in case I’m being monitored by FedFukNutz) and then a quick stop at Barclay’s Edge blog and a reminder of things I used to have and no longer have and the pain of having so much taken away. That came when I saw the art-work he has in the back-ground. Odd, how the strangest things bring back the worst memories. I wonder if I’ll ever get through and past all of that. I doubt it. It’s something I don’t understand… how that bitch and her entourage (blood relatives to make it worse) could be so cruel. I know: it’s done and there’s nothing that can change it. But that doesn’t mean it won’t continue to stab… when-ever it can. – Bad end to the day? I’m going to read for a while. – I have to pee, need to find a bottle. Don’t dare to open the door. By the way? Apparently Randy monitors: he knows when my light is on in the room. O bloody fuk me! “My” life and times become somebody else’s again. Jeezusfukkingkriste! People need to get their own lives together and leave me the fuck alone!

Thu.29.Aug: 6.12 Awake, tired, feeling blah, an looking toward being on the road for the day… today and tomorrow too. BUT the skies are OH SO grey (and so too, my mood). Laundry in the washer. A day begins. – 8.25 Wash done. Napped a bit waiting to see what the weather would be doing. And now? Just a quick check and I’m hopefully out of here and on with the day. – (Friday) SO, SO, SO MUCH TO NOTE FOR TODAY! I actually DID manage to get away and STAY away for the ENTIRE day! And WHAT a day it became! I was determined to get to Saint-Armand today. After making sure that the few funds were in the chequing, just enough for 2 packs of smokes (which will last until Wednesday, I’m hoping and will try for) and having finished my last one in thirds this morning…
Let’s begin at the beginning of the “Great Adventure” HOME!!!…
9.30 and I just decided that I was NOT going to sit in this house another day and I was NOT going to do any more work on the yard… NOT today! Today’s forecast was for 40 per-cent chance of “orages” but the satellite images showed no signs of that happening before well into the after-noon/evening. Tomorrow’s forecast: 60 per-cent chance and even more humid than today. So, I packed the essentials (passport, ID and such) into the little “lunch bag” I’d gotten at the 99cent Limit (Coney Island Avenue) and blindly headed to the barn for the bike. Stopping at the freezer for my frozen bottle of water, the morning took its turn for the house: there’s much space in the freezer, there’s not much in it in the way of food, but somebody found it necessary to toss my bottle of travel water. Well, gee, shit. I’m SO sorry the litre bottle took too much space in your bloody freezer! So, I just filled another litre bottle with tap water and got me and the bike together.
9.44 and I was ON THE ROAD to Morse’s Line. The plan at this point was to go to Saint-Armand, get smokes, take a new road (Chemin de Saint-Armand) into Frelighsburg to the Chemin de Richford. Go to Richford, check the PO, stop to see Brenda and take the Rail Trail back to Franklin. It looked easy on the map. So, with a bit of cloud over-head and a nice coolness to the air, up the road, through the corn-fields and to the frontière!
The fellow at les Douanes was direct and quick: Where are you going? and Are you leaving anything in Canada? Through. Finished. – The ride into Saint-Armand was the usual delight and today I noticed that I’m comfortable and familiar with this area now. So much so that I just ride along, looking at the road and noticing how the crops were all coming to maturity and checking for road conditions and such more than much else. (And today I noticed the changes in the leaves… Autumn is coming in… and me with-out cold-weather clothing. I don’t care, don’t give a shit.) – At the Magazin Général, Monsiuer Moore was in and we had a nice chat as always. It’s ever so much as if Saint-Armand is merely part of the town in which I live these days. I’m known and I know people there and I’m more like a resident than a “tourist” now. Ah… HOME. And how wonderful it is. So I mentioned tomorrow being the birthday and he wished me a “happy” and wished me very well. Thanked me for coming to the store and today he simply asked how many packets of cigarettes. He knows the brand! It made me feel SO much back at HOME. I needed that today. I got the smokes and 2 Coffee Crisps (since I brought nothing with me, intending to stop at Mac’s for something extra to eat and drink), had one Coffee Crisp before leaving the store and then, it was on to the next beig adventure… taking a new road and seeing a new part of the land I call HOME and yet know precious little of in this region… Off and across Chemin de Saint-Armand and into Frelighsburg!
Travelling East on the Chemin de Saint-Armand is a bit on the up-hill side, but the scenery, the land, the properties all make it SO worth the little bit of effort! And again I thought of SB’s comment about crossing the border: “even the wild areas look like their kept nice”. Yes indeed, this is NOT the USA and it IS Québec. And yes, even the wild areas are kept nice… even by Nature. And, unlike VT, the air isn’t heavy with the stench of the “Souper Poop”! The air is breathable! Slight traces of fertiliser, but nothing heavy. Apparently either people here know better how to farm, or they just feel it’s better to be able to breathe “air” with-out all the “shit” in it (quite literally). There’s a part where the village sign reads “Saint-Armand (Pigeon Hill)” which struck me as quite interesting and cute. And it made me wonder if this wasn’t called “Pigeon Hill” at one time before “lines” and “borders” were drawn. There’s a “Pigeon Hill” road on the VT side and I wondered if that road didn’t once lead directly into this village. Politics. Makes me want to hit somebody. Pigeon Hill road suddenly ends in a thickette of wood-land, as do so many other small roads up here in the middle of no-where in particular. Roads cut off because of bull-shit, regardless of the people who use those roads to visit with friends and family. Up here, there are many places similar to Berlin after the war when they put up “The Wall”… but here, the “wall” is simply bull-dozing a road across some imaginary line and letting Nature fill-in the space. What a bunch of shit that all is, no matter how. The result is that people who once simply drove or walked to visit with neighbours now have to drive distances to “cross the border” where a government that never comes near these villages insists they be interrogated, stating the purpose of their visit and their destination. How pitiful the whole thing is. These are the thoughts I have as I ride through the relative silence and peace. – I have to admit though, in a manner, I’m rather happy and glad that the “border” exists; if it didn’t, the cultures would meld, no doubt, and the last thing I want is for this part of HOME to become anything like the “country” to the South. Québec might not be perfect, it might not be “Utopia” but it sure as shit is BETTER than what’s to its South. And me? I find Peace of mind and soul here. This place offers me LIFE, LIVING, JOY!
So the trip went along rather well and I was enjoying it… until just after passing the sign for “Saint-Armand” when (a) the road suddenly started UP, and UP and UP in front of me and (b) construction crews! I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’d be doing quite a bit of walking up this hill at this juncture when the nice “construction lady” stopped me to tell me that there’d been some sort of land-slide ahead and that it wasn’t good for me to pass on the bike (in French, of course). When I told her that I was on my way into Frelighsburg she apologised saying that she doubted there was any other road I could take from there. But I said that it would be OK because there is another route I could take and thanked her anyway. (French!) She bade me a safe trip and I was off to re-trace my route, back up the hill I’d come down from in “Saint-Armand (Pigeon Hill)”. See? I even know the area well enough to know that I’d passed “Chemin de Morses Lines” a while back and I know that that will take me back to the border and to where I can get to the next crossing… into Frelighsburg. Little by little, l’Estrie is becoming part of familiar HOME! And so, I turned round and headed back up the hill, through the village and onto Chemin de Morses Lines. I’d wondered what the other end of that road looked like and what it went through anyway, and today was my opportunity to see!
Corn fields, soy fields, back country, silence, seldom travelled. Morses Lines was just pleasure! And at one point it actually zig-zags through the middle of a corn field… just North of the split that I’m used to travelling, AND I actually KNEW where I was when I saw the old barn… I was behind that little white house I so wish I could move into! AhHAH! Familiar territory! I had to smile. There’s something so comforting about being so familiar with the area now and I thought: how fun it would be to take this little trip with SB now. He’d probably enjoy it. But then I thought: You know? I rather prefer being here alone. I don’t want to be bothered by somebody else’s impressions or opinions. This is MY HOME and I don’t need the intrusions of others. I’m quite happy travelling here alone… quite happy. And with that, back to the Morses Lines crossing where…
As I got to the little gate at les douanes, the fellow in the little window beckoned me come over. As I approached… it was the Tatoo Luvboy from Frelighsburg crossing… the one who’d stamped my passport for the first time! I pointed toward him. “What?” he said. “I recognise you from the Frelighsburg crossing.” “We move.” “You were the first person to stamp my passport.” “I remember. OK. Have a safe trip.” He was just as curt and almost rude as the first time and I wondered… Is it some kind of resentment, dislike, or could it be that he called me over, something he didn’t have to do at all, just to make some kind of talk? What-ever. Maybe it’s my attitude toward them, but no matter how rude they try to be, they can’t top the US side and to that point I say…
I am now completely convinced that I’m quite glad I don’t qualify, in so many ways, for the job of working at the border crossings because I am no convinced that the people hired for that job are complete brain-dead shits-for-idiots. Ego, ego and nothing more than basic earth-worm instincts, the lot of them. Today’s interrogation went along the lines of being stopped, the usual questions and today including the “what house” question (to which THIS broad replied “G……? Are you renting there?”). I mean, the guy was snarky enough with his “You look suspicious to begin with. Most people who come through here on a bike are wearing biking outfits. But you’re wearing jeans and a shirt. Then you tell me you went just to get cigarettes, a candy bar and to get some exercise. You have a lot working against you.” FUCKTARD! Nothing less. And the broad? It took her an eternity with my passport! I mean, shit! And so I told the guy: “It perturbs me to think that you interrogate ME for crossing a border that I live only moments away from and meanwhile, there are people who have been here illegally for YEARS and who are bold enough to say so and yet, nothing is done about THAT! You make MY travels difficult and yet THEY go along unscathed. It truly is quite stupid when you look at it with any kind of intelligence.” No, he didn’t appreciate that at all and I, quite honestly, didn’t give a shit whether he did or did not. Had they made my re-entry any more difficult, I was fully prepared to simply say “Oh never mind. You know what? I don’t want entry into the US anymore.” and turn round and dare them to chase me across the border into Québec. (It might have been rather fun going back… considering who was AT the HOME border!) But I really DID want to get to Richford today so I made short of my personal observations as to just what kind of shits I find these morons to be and in due course, I was well on my way BACK into Franklin (and none too happy about that, I must say).
The sky was still clear at this point and the sun was getting quite warm as I crossed “Main Street” and headed East toward the lake. For the briefest moment I considered stopping at the house, but then thought of how stupid that would be, a waste of time and defeating the purpose of this entire planned trip. So… zzzzzzip! Across Main Street and KADIMA! Along the Lake Rd. I was passed by some “elder bikers” obviously out for the exercise and such of their journey. I pleasantly stated that I was out for “distance, not speed” and that I’d already put 44km on this morning. Along the route, we played a bit of “leap frog” from time-to-time, always with kind comments. There were 4 of them, all about my own age or older and I had to think of how interesting it was that WE, at our ages, were out there on bicycles… and not the “younger” ones… who NEED their cars and such! No wonder kids today are simply lazy and fat! But, I was about to end another year in this world and become one year closer to leaving the next generation to its own devices… good riddance. Besides, in spite of the heat and sweat, I was enjoying my peace and solitude today. When we reached E. Franklin, they turned to the South, headed down toward Berkshire… I continued toward the North and… HOME HOME HOME!
And OH, the crossing at W.Berkshire yet again. And, yet again, QUÉBEC COMPASSION! I will never forget St.Hilaire! I’ll never forget the “Tatoo Luvboy”. But today, yet again… YET AGAIN… DETAINED. WHY? BECAUSE OF THAT SHIT DIANE OLSEN AND HER DAYS INN BULL-SHIT!!! YET ANOTHER HALF HOUR OF WAITING TO BE CLEARED!!! But at least this time it was kindly and compassionately explained to and for me. I have the opportunity to go to the Canadian govt. to ask that my border record be cleared. (Subsequently I’ve learned that it can be done by the Canadian govt. but the US will NEVER clear it! How charmingly appropriate!) But, as I was told, if I don’t ask, it will stay on the records… “for life”! So, because of her drug abuse, because of her own stupidity, because she refused to attend to her diabetes, I have to suffer for the rest of MY life because of Diane Olsen and Days Inn. What makes it SO much worse is that SO many people will take an issue for other people, so many would be up in arms, flooding the social media for some twit who has other-wise done little-to-nothing for anybody else. But me? Oh, for me there’s nothing but patronisingly empty words. Mum always said “Don’t do it for the ‘thanks’. There are no ‘thanks’”. She wasn’t kidding! Do nice, be kind, get fucked… “for life”. The one great thing is that my passport was stamped again. I was told: We’ll keep stamping when you come through so that other people at other crossings will see that your situation has been looked into and that you were allowed to come through. Maybe after a few of these, they’ll just look at this and just let you pass with-out any more trouble.” (And some wonder why my heart and soul belong to Canada. I don’t crave human companionship or relationships or anything of that sort. But I DO crave TRUST… and that’s something I’ve seldom received anywhere in this country and often been bestowed in the NORTH. There, I’ve always felt that my existence served a purpose, felt appreciated for anything I’ve ever done. And that’s a very nice way to “be”. Then I come back across that imaginary “border” to… SHIT!) While I waited, it was such a joy! Yes, it was cutting into my time to get to Richford, but all the while I just kept thinking: I’m HOME! And that’s OK. I’ll just keep going, even just for the experience of the new route. If I make it on time… great. If not? I’ll be spending the day at HOME!!! And THAT is THE MOST important aspect of this entire day!
Well, passport stamped, a delightful and informative chat with a COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING! and my feet were on the pedals of the bike that was rolling along a road along a river in a place not so foreign and yet, immeasurably SUPERB! HOME! And en route to Chemin de Richford! and another yet unknown, under a magnificent blue sky!
It wasn’t moments and suddenly, there it was… the turn-off and onto le Chemin de Richford. At first it was quite the charming little road, with people walking in both directions and always a “Salut.” from them. HOME. Kind people. Nice people… PEOPLE! And merrily I rolled along, rolled along, rolled a… O MON DIEU SIEGNEUR! UP-hill! No! I mean UPUPUPUPUPUP-HILL! I’d thought that a road called the Richford Road would have been hewn by the elders AROUND THE BASE of any mountains. THAT was the general “rule”. BUT… NOT THIS ROAD! Oh no! THIS one went RIGHT UP the mountain… PINCALE! The sky had cleared wonderfully, the temperature had risen not-so wonderfully, the humidity had risen disgustingly and I was running out of water and had only the one Coffee Crisp left. And already it was going for about 15.00! Here I was, at the bottom of le Pinacle with NO intention of turning back again! SO? I dismounted form the bike and began the trek up, up, up, UP, UPPPP!!! I was so hot and miserable, and dehydrated that I didn’t even bother to check the distance on the little odometre on the bike. It didn’t matter anyway. I wasn’t about to turn back, so the only “option” was to CLIMB! As I did, I was taken by how beautiful the apple orchards on the mountain side are, how immaculately clean the road and road-side are, how peaceful it all was, how almost “Divine” it all was. It was SO Peaceful in spite of the sweltering heat and stifling humidity. And all the while I kept in mind: HOME. I’m HOME! If it got to where I simply wasn’t going to make it any further, there were wood-lands all round. I’d simply trot off-road and what happened after that made NO difference to me at all. I’d either “make it” or I’d stay… pour toujours. (The latter looking, sounding and feeling better than any other “option”.) It wasn’t until I got to one particular spot, right after the road veered sharply to the left that I realised… THE TOP OF LE PINACLE! O BON DIEU DE LA MARDE CÂLISSE! This is the mountain I’d used as navigation between Richford and Sutton. This is the mountain that I could see WAY off in the distance from Saint-Armand. This is the mountain that I can see from the N.Sheldon Rd. Here I was, just about at le pinacle de LE PINACLE! I’d WALKED UP THE MOUNTAIN! If I hadn’t been SO dehydrated and hungry and soaked-through with sweat, I’d’ve been SINGING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS! (Oddly enough, I hadn’t even listened to any music all day today. Usually I have the Québec country music blaring in one ear. Not today, for some reason. Today was for Peace.) WELL! My spirits lightened quite a bit with the awe-inspiring views from up there… off toward Sutton, and down into VT. AND… my mood lightened to think: Once at the top, the mountain HAS to go DOWN! And so, I got to the point where indeed, the road stopped climbing and began descending! It was just about at this point where the hunger started to take hold too. I was feeling at the point of just giving up and giving in when… would you believe? JUST as in my past, on the long, LONG journeys I’ve taken (including the 25mi. hike to the market on my birthday in Roosa Gap)… APPLES! RIGHT THERE AT THE ROAD-SIDE! APPLES! So, I stopped, grabbed 5, put them into the little blue zip lunch bag on the handle bars and, as I coasted DOWN le Pinacle, I ate… 4 of them! And what a differnce they made in my over-all and general being! It’s strange as I thought then and think now:This sort of shit happens to me many times through-out my life-time. I’m out, walking, alone, tired, dehydrating, hungry, tired, exhausted and just as I’m at the brink… an apple tree, a berry bush… something, growing wild, there to “help”. I’ve never understood it. It’s always made me stop to wonder… Who? How? Why? But even in The Bronx! In NYC! Berry bushes. Mulberry trees. In Tilden: beach plums (I’m missing them this year). Squash. A PEAR TREE! Something! Always something. And here, at HOME, at the top of a mountain… APPLES! (And a much-needed, breezey descent, coasting along!) WELL INDEED! HOME AND HOME IT WAS AND AT HOME I WAS. And all of MY World was at PEACE! I coasted and drifted and ate!
Almost at the bottom of le Pinacle, the sign “Frontière”! I’d made it TO RICHFORD! But… but… BUT!!! Coming toward the customs? THE VIEW WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT TO BE BELIVED, THAT CAN’T BE DESCRIBED OTHER THAN TO SAY: I SO MUCH WANTED TO SIMPLY STOP THE BIKE, SIT BESIDE THE ROAD, GAZE OVER THE LITTLE VALLEY AND JUST SOB! Let people say what they will about Richford… IT IS STUPENDOUSLY BEAUTIFUL!!! I didn’t stop to take a photo because of the proximity of the customs, but I’ve resolved: the next opportunity I get, photos will be taken! The view was… well… I can only repeat I WANTED, ALMOST NEEDED TO JUST SOB! Of course, the guys at the customs (which is disproportionatley modern and HUGE considering where it is… in the middle of absolute nothing and no-where, even more-so than the other crossings) brought me quickly back to my senses with the interrogations. But this time they were nicer, kinder and more to the point and then finished. The actually “talked” for a brief moment. (And, as I was to learn later, missed the ONE apple from the top of le Pinacle that I hadn’t eaten! I brought a “Québec” apple across! As stupid as that sounds and looks even more stupid in print here. I’m going to save the seeds and plant some in the yard in Franklin and send the rest to Nancy… a “Québec” apple tree can grow all the way in Florida!)
SO! Onto the Pinacle/Richford Rd. and INTO RICHFORD! No matter what, coming into town felt like a “Home-coming”. Richford some-how became “Home” here in the States. The lazy little town. The town with the miserable reputations. The town where another huge drug bust just happened. But, say what you will… for those of us who’ve lived there and those who still do… It’s a “Home” town to many… me included. It was only but about 16.00… perhaps not even that late when I got to the PO for the scant few pieces of mail there. The PO isn’t all that “Homey” but it’s fine… it’s IN “Homey”town and that’s what matters. I got the mail, threw a couple of pieces into the recycling and headed out the door to… MAYHEW’s where…
BRENDA! Aaaaaannnndddd… the Home-coming chit-chat began. As if I’d only been away for moments, she told me of her painting round the house, needing time off, working like crazy, talking about the folks in town and comparing it to Franklin (and making all sorts of comments in the comparrisons). She offered cigarettes (I declined), I got a bottle of lemonade and 2 (stale, dry) chocolate pies and told her to put it on my FS card. I saw her swipe, but in hind-sight, she never asked for the PIN! So, essentially, I owe the store 4$! (I had 5,15$ in the card!) She was SO kind! People came in, needing things, and she offered them honest credit! A “HomeTown” and I’m a part of that! KRISTE! It was SO good for my Heart and Soul to be some-where I’m welcomed and trusted and cared about! Imagine… Richford. And how I wanted to stay… not just for the night… but to move back and stay. Brenda told of many people looking for renters. And all I could think of is: LET ME HAVE THIS JOB AT THE P.O. AND I’LL BE ON MY WAY BACK! A car and a small place to call “Home” in a town to call “Home”. Oh and we talked while I ate my “pies” and we chatted right up until 17.00 when I sent a text message to Bob’s phone to say ‘don’t wait supper’. (I’d done what I’d wanted to do… I’d gone for the day, been away and out of the house and out of the way and now I could manage to miss having to partake of dinner! I was rather happy.) But I knew I had to leave so as not to be on the road TOO late into the night, on the bike. And I planned on taking the Rail Trail, so that meant NOT being on THAT in the dark. Oh and ah, but I must to must to comment: Say what you will about the folks in Richford, but some of THE BEST-looking men live in Richford, and I recognised them, was happy to see them, and miss just being able to be at the store and talk with them. Franklin has more than its share of the over-weight, Certified Pre-Owned (not gently). Richford has the farmers, the labourers, proud, loving, loveable, vulgar-mouthed, beer-guzzling “FOLK”! No shit! BUT… as it is with all things “happy”, I HAD to leave. Brenda told me her father is in the Homestead in Franklin, across the road from the house. Told me if I look him up, if I ever need alift to somewhere, he’d be right there ready and willing. She also told me that if I needed a lift to anywhere, to give a call and she’d be glad to give me a lift. Yup…”Home”. It was difficult to leave again.. just as it becomes difficult to leave Québec these days…more and more difficult. More and more and more difficult.
17.00 and I was out the door, coasting off to Troy St. to the Rail Trail. And what a beautiful trip THAT end is! I even took some video of part of the trip! along with a shot of the Missisquoi (I miss the Missisquoi!). Another “new” adventure. And again, as I pedalled, I thought: How odd, if SB were to ever make contact and come back, how much MORE of this area I could show him… and he’d marvel “you don’t have a car!”. But tonight? Tonight I resolved: It’s time to relinquish these thougts and those people and those times. Tonight ends a year and the carrying of the bull-shit. Today was truly and “awesome” day, in every respect. We will use that “awe” to dispose of the bull-shit… people, places, events and all. And I put the music on the iPod and, listening to Denis Champoux and Georges Hamel, along the gravel trail I pedalled… along through E.Berkshire, into Enosburg, throught the villages and on to the part of the trail with which I’ve become rather familiar. I took a quick rest at the “picnic table” and had my first sit-down-and-relax smoke of the day! Then, as the sky began to darken just a bit… back on the trail to… Franklin.
The Trail has, as I’ve learnt, a 3per-cent grade so it’s pedalling all the way. The N.Sheldon Rd? I didn’t even TRY to take on the hills on the bike, but truly enjoyed the hills DOWN, epecially the LAST ONE INTO TOWN! just as the clock went to 20.00! At 20.04 I was at the barn and…
158,3km!!!!!
So read the little odometre on the bike. 158,3km. And 10 hours of almost non-stop pedalling and almost an entire day at HOME! – I came into the house, got to the living-room just as Bob said to Lyle “Try calling him, in case he’s somewhere in a service area.” (for the phone). So I stood in the door-way and said “Hello?” much to their surprise. Bob didn’t have his phone with him so he didn’t get the text message I’d sent, and they were wondering where I might be. I asked Lyle just how many people on the border he knew, told them the story of the crossing guard (sounds like a ‘school bus crossing guard’ which is just about appropriate) and we chatted briefly about where I’d been and the day’s events. Come to find out, Lyle knows some-one up on le Pinacle as well! So he’s familiar with the “climb” I made. – And so, they’d had subs for dinner tonight and had gotten a half-sub for me. Indeed, I was rather grateful for that tonight. I brought it up to the room, ate it quickly and headed off to a cool shower (to cool down, clean up and so as not to use too much hot water… but as I showered it reminded me of the house in Richford where we didn’t HAVE a lot of hot water so conserving is a regular habit for me anyway… still, the cool shower was wonderful) and… that done, so too was this day!

9.44 departure. Cross in St.Armand. Cross out Morses Line. Cross in Frelighsburg. Cross out Richford. 158,3km. 10hrs. Return 20.04. Une pomme de le Pinacle. St.Hilaire

Fri.30.Aug: 6.20 I heard the crew getting ready to leave this morning, but refused to wake up and be in the way. So I drifted back to sleep until just about now… even before the 6.30 alarm. Ah… I was awake at the very moment I’d come into this world… 58 years ago. And 58 years later… I’m still quite resentful. I see that that will never change. – 9.59 Just fed the dogs, went out for a smoke. The weather is turning rather nice. It would have been a delightful day to make yesterday’s adventure. I’m thinking of how to get HOME for a while today. But my knees are killing me from all the pedalling yesterday. Besides, I have the house alone for a few hours. May as well enjoy the peace. Oh, managed to Hoover the room this morning. It needed it…. with all the yard-work, I keep bringing in grass clippings and the likes. SO “country farm house” living. Well fuck, it could be worse. – Sent a quick text to Nanc this morning asking that no more parcels be sent. Too late. One’s en route. More to be packed when the time comes to leave here. It’s like Liz all over again: I’m living in a ROOM and things keep coming in! I’ve no room for “things”. And the “important” “things” in my life? I could use a little help with those, but that’s obviously not the point. Alas. It’s not that I’m ungrateful. Not at all. Just that I can’t wrap my head round the reality of “life”. Well? Let’s see what we can do with this day other-wise. I’d like to work on the rest of the yard today, in the good weather, but I’m not in the mood to sweat again. Yesterday took a lot out of me in that respect. And the soreness in the knees doesn’t make matters much better. Oh… whine, whine, whine. Bugger me! – 12.39 and as I recount yesterday’s adventure, a group of about 10 “bikers”, bedecked in their “outfits”, congregate under my window at the store… FRENCH! How wonderful to be able to sit here and listen.. to hear the language. HOME… so close by! And I think of the shit at the border yesterday telling me that I looked “suspicious” because I was dressed in clothes. TURDS! One thing though: the group of mes gens are about my age. Imagine that! Unlike the “yuppies” and “preppies” of NY, in their teens and 20’s on their bicycles, up here, it’s us “older” folk. Stoic, us. – 18.29 WELL! THIS is turning into quite the “event”! FUCKALL ANYWAY! TODAY I GET THE MESSAGE: THE POSTAL INTERVIEW FOR WEDNESDAY? CANCELLED!!!!! WHY? BECAUSE OF THE DAYS INN SHIT!!!!! I’m not saying that I would, because I most certainly wouldn’t, but this is why some people actually get to the point where they don’t care, will go out and shoot and kill somebody else, and LOOK FORWARD to LIFE IMPRISONMNET or even a DEATH SENTENCE. Me? I don’t want Diane Olsen to EVER see the Peace of Death! NEVER! I pray for her extended existence, in pain and suffering, perhaps a slow cancer, or to survive as she sees all who mean anything to her at all suffer and die, painfully and disgustingly. THAT is my wish, hope and desire for her. (And yes, I post this to the internet. Fuck you, if you find it offencive! Fuck you ALL!) – (Sat) Let’s see… This day… well? It was certainly a day not to be forgotten, I’ll say that much about it. MOST of it was spent composing an e-mail to the Post Master General and investigating into how to get Diane Olsen’s bull-shit out of my life. What a general KUNT! QUNT! and all other ways of spelling the exact same sentiment! Instead of being able to sit quietly and rather enjoy this birthday in the calm and peace of the North Country I happen to love so much, I got to spend it engrossed in trying to re-build the reputation I’d had, the CLEAN reputation I’d had for almost 57 years. And why? All because of some drug-abusing piece of shit! I wouldn’t even think of calling her a bitch, bitches being animals and she not even being up to that level of being. And all during the day, I just couldn’t stop pondering how, no matter what, there appears to be not one person who can or will do anything to stop this bull-shit! My brain just won’t wrap round it. Just won’t. So? As of today I resolve to handle this situation as “I” see fit and fuck the rest of the World. I may go down… but I won’t go alone. And on my Mother’s grave, this is my solemn vow. – Ah then… Nancy’s parcel contained something ever so wonderful: A white sweat-shirt… with a SWms patch! Nice, heavy-weight. Her note read “I wore it a couple times while I still lived in upstate NY. Thought you might be able to use it for bike rides.” Yes indeed I shall! The postage on the box was nothing short of what I consider “extreme”. Really! OK. It arrived in good time, almost perfect time to be sure. But over 25$ is just a bit much for postage. But it is so deeply appreciated. Truly and honestly, it is. Another layer for the colder weather that’s coming (on the off chance I need to think about such a thing). And there are more books to read! Reading… my nightly escape from the total shit that predominates most of my days. Thank you Nancy. Thank you for my time of Peace. – Well, I had the day to myself for almost the entirety. The guys came back from their running about all day with food-stuffs and beer and such. After all, it is Friday and there’s a 3-day week-end to come. They brought fried chicken as well and I had 2 legs (which was in addition to the corn flakes that I’d eaten during the day when I just got so hungry I HAD to eat something). We generally hung, as it were, round the house, me, trying to get this Journal caught-up, determined that I was not going to do anything that would work-up a sweat today. – It was round about 20.00 when Lyle had to leave for the continuation of his “sleep study” which left the house to … well… “the kids”. And so, “Friday Night Franklin” began. – In the light drizzle, I sat out on the front porch to have a smoke and talk with Dixie. She’s become my little shadow these days, with all the charm and love a dog could give. Honestly, sometimes when I chat with her, she looks as though she actually understands what I’m saying… in French and English. She’s quite the sweet-heart and I’ll never understand why she’s grown so attached to me, of all people. Bob keeps telling me it’s because she knows I’m “good people”. Often I wonder if she doesn’t sense the reality of “me” and is being compassionate, in the way animals can be. What-ever it is, she’s become my “companion” and I enjoy spending time with her, Frisbee in the back, sitting on the front porch. As we sat, Bob and Randy came out with their beer and the evening began. I came up to my room and went for the little bit of vodka that I’d been saving for today, poured it into my “coffee mug” (a clear glass beer mug that gets used so often there’s almost always a “film” of coffee in it and so, when I added the vodka and a bit of tonic, it looked like tea more than much else). Not much. Just enough to say that I “celebrated” with a vodka-tonic. – Earlier today I’d let it slip about being my birthday (I’m SO SO sorry I did that!) and when I’d finished my tonic, Randy came out with beer… for the 3 of us. So I had one, then another, and a third. He kept bringing them until I finally said it was enough. By that time, we were all pretty much in the swing of “Franklin Friday”. But the conversation turned rather serious for a bit. – Bob and I got talking about the Post Office shit and Diane’s shit. He confirmed that I didn’t get the job down to his work-place because I don’t have the experience they’re actually looking for but that in the near future, there’ll be other spots open and he’s put in some good words for me. He told me not to worry… about finding work or about not being able to keep up with the rent. I said that I was glad that September was actually paid, since I’d done the “first and last” payments. He told me not to even think of this as being my last month here. As he put it “Unless we get into a fist-fight, you’re not going any-where. This is where you live, this is your home. Something will come up and you’ll love where you work. So don’t think about having to leave. Besides, where would you go?” I wasn’t in a mood to make with the nicey this evening so I told him, sincerely, calmly, quietly: back to NYC to the Shelter. He almost got furious about that and told me that I’m not to even think about such a thing! I told him quietyly that I’d already worked-out thelogistics. He simply told me that I needn’t bother about that. But he asked that I not discuss “money” with Lyle, not mention the rent and just keep a positive attitude. (Me? Right. My attitude is “positive”. As I say: I have matters to settle and when that’s done, it will all be settled in a manner that suits ME now… NOT anybody else. I’m “positive”!) And OH how the night moved along! We went back to laughing. The other 2 got quite into the “swing” of the night and, at one point, Randy and I were out in the middle of the road… Randy with his pants ALL the way down! I’d jokingly brought him out there to prove that such a thing could happen in Franklin and that nobody would ever notice. But, I was rather surprised when the pants went all the way to the road and Randy just stood there, facing across the road, for what seemed the longest while. Oh, but it was cause for much more laughter. And indeed… nobody was around to notice. Franklin… where nobody notices. – It must have been round about 1.00 when Bob went up-stairs to bed. Randy and I stayed up a while longer to chat a bit. He wished me a happy birthday. and we talked about him being up here, in the “North Country” and how strange it is to him, since he’s from Burlington and had never really been up here before. He mentioned something about how he keeps a distance from me (which is something I’d suspected all along) and I assured him that he needn’t do that. We enchanged a few hugs… – It was about 2.00 when we finally went up-stairs… to put the light out on another “Franklin Friday” night. – One thing of interest that I noted just as I was getting into bed: Border Patrol had parked in front of the market and was there when I went to bed. I don’t know why or for how long. But I had to amuse my-self thinking it might have something to do with my posts on Twtr of late and the multiple border crossings only yesterday. Well… if it is (and not just my amusingly entertaining paranoia) let them bloody-well deport me. Or, give me the time I need and I’ll save them the trouble. What-ever…

Sat.31.Aug: 9.36 A beer and a shot too many last night. And REFLUX this morning to kill all! And Randy’s Chica is BARKING for absolutely no reason. It’s hot again this morning and it’s another day. – 16.21 already! It’s been a very lazy sort of day. I’ve been trying to catch this Journal up for the most part and trying to keep my eyes open for the rest. Lyle stepped out for a bit. Bob’s been sleepy. Randy looks rested and as I type in my room, he’s in his, on his lap-top, “gaming”, as it were. – I transplanted a few hemlocks that were growing in the North flower-bed, too close to the house and right up against the propane tank. They’re now in the back yard South flower-bed along the fence. They’re very young, saplings I suppose. But hopefully they’ll survive. – This morning’s acid reflux has set my entire system “off” today. Stomach is still sour from it, and it did some kind of something to my esophogus. Ick! But, this too shall pass. And I’m terribly tired. I’d taken a nap for about 30 minutes at just about noon and I’m ready for another. The weather doesn’t help much. Even though it’s a bit drizzly, the humidity is such that, even the slightest motion brings a sweat.So, a lazy day. If things go as I believe they will, I’ll make up for this on Tuesday with a bike-ride into Highgate to tear into the PM over there. As I say: This bull-shit is bringing me down… but I’m not going down alone!!! And if no-one else will even help me handle or deal with Diane, then I will do it all… on my own and on my own terms. – Meanwhile? The house is quiet. The “Holiday Week-end” is under weigh and here we go with the un-official-official end of Summer. – (Sun.) It was a day of … cloud, drizzle, fatigue and generally I accomplished much of nothing of any use to anything or anybody. OK. So I transplanted some hemlocks. BFD! Indeed. And, I suppose, for strictly selfish reasons and nothing more, I did get this Journal up to date, to a point. And, I did get the ‘On The Trails With Dumbass’ videos posted to the Tumblr. But other than that? WASTE! Then again, it appears that that’s about what my worth is of late. – OK. Pity Party last call and… done. – I napped a bit, on and off all during the day. It was humid again, uncomfortable. But I keep thinking of not being able to pay the storage and losing what little is left in there… including linens, comforters, Winter clothes (including the good boots) and all. Winter will be here soon and the beginning of even more concerns. We move along. – I didn’t hear the call to dinner and when I went down to take Dixie out and to have a smoke, there were 3 franks set aside for me. I ate after bringing Dixie out. But it wasn’t nearly enough. I’m going on precious little these days, and covering a lot of territory, when all is said and done. And I don’t much give a shit, one way or another. – The day went by quite quickly though and tonight we all gathered, once again, on the front porch… all 4 of us. The other 3 had their drinks, I was offered beer but I just can’t accept such things these days. The rent is current, but this burden of not knowing and not being able to pay is just too damned heavy. Three bloody-fucking months and this! And knowing that I COULD have been working and settled in town and such, had that KUNT not fucked me over and is getting away with it on a daily basis just keeps the oppression lingering. It won’t go away until I go away, and that’s just the damned fact of the matter. – But tonight, Randy started with this “touchy-feelie” bull-shit again and pissed me off…. for a bit. But it stopped in quick course. He’s learning… I just don’t like it! And of course, it will happen again, when next he gets a little too much to drink. But eventually… really… “eventually”… – During tonight’s general chats, the talk of planting a garden in the back came up again. Bob and Lyle, both, immediately delegated that to me, the gardener as Bob said “Next year, and you WILL be here next year. You LIVE here now and are part of this family and you WON’T be going anywhere else. You CAN’T leave!” And nobody knows just how much that hurts. As I said to Bob just last night: I can’t live like that, I just can’t. – August is over tonight. This is the un-official official end of the Summer season. August crashes. Oma’s birthday. Mama’s deathday. My burdenday. Dark.