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| 01 April 2021 |
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Dark, dreary, cold and wet, I was out of smokes and out of money, and with somebody familiar but not-to-much, at a shopping place. Not really a “mall” nor a particular store, just some sort of ambiguous retail place. I was being exceptionally nice, in the hope of being able to bum at least a cigarette but not really expecting it, helping this other person, fellow, with his shopping. There was some other errand we had to run so I offered to put the already-purchased items into the truck... my truck, the truck, in the parking area. So, in the darkness, I took some large bags, not heavy, and went to what appeared to be the Chevy. I opened the passenger-side door, tossed the bags inside and closing it, noticed that there was some sort of chain and lock criss-crossed on it. It didn't stop the door from closing, I couldn't figure out why it was there, nor who'd put it on, but, since it didn't inhibit the closing of the door, started back toward the stores and that other person. But as I walked away from the truck I realised that the back “bed” was considerably longer that it should have been and as I turned to look back, the engine started and I realised that it WASN'T my truck! I'd put the bags into the truck of a complete stranger who was now driving away... with somebody else's purchases that I'd inadvertently and stupidly put into the wrong vehicle! Well, by the time it all became obvious, it was too late... the truck pulled away! I decided to just say nothing about the incident and would address it later when we got into the proper truck... and the purchases wouldn't be there, of course. - There were others with us as well... none of whom I knew, “visitors” of a sort, who wanted to see the “neighbour-hood” which I knew, or, was familiar with. We were in the North-East Bronx... in an area that was a combination of Wakefield, Williamsbridge, Allerton, and a “nuance” of Harlem. I knew where we were, but some-how I didn't. Oddly, I knew I could have navigated the area by bus, but walking, I had almost NO idea where, exactly, we were nor how to get to where I wanted to get to. And where I wanted to get to was an address on a street who's name I DID know but, at the moment, couldn't remember the name of! Frustrating, aggravating, annoying, all with my-self. I tried to remember the name of the street and kept coming up with different messes of non-names/non-words, most beginning with the letter “M”. It was almost exasperating, especially since I was the one who, supposedly, knew the area and was taking this little “group” of folks round to some particular place of interest... “Where it all originated.” I recall telling them, about some item(s) they'd purchased from some particular shop or some sort of some-thing of that sort. It was all, what could rightfully be called a “cluster-fuck” of events, thoughts, situations. What *I* needed was a point of reference... a bus-stop! I knew that if I could find a bus-stop, I could either find a “map” of the area or, at least, the name of a street-stop which would give me bearings. Keeping my confusion and pissed-offedness to my-self, I led the little group along the side-walk until, on a chain-link fence by an empty lot, a plastic bag was hung, and in it, a map of the area... in “Chinese”! I didn't care about the language, I just needed to see the graphic to figure out where we were and the street configurations to figure out how to get to where I'd KNOW. Pointing out the map, I made light of it and said some-thing about how “considerate” Bronxites are, contrary to the rumours and reputations, as is obvious by the fact that some person put this map here, albeit in Chinese, to help people who might be lost or turned-round. Pretending to want to show them, on the map, where we were, with regard to the vastness of the boro, I took the map from the bag and as I opened it to look, it was printed mostly in brown, with streets in white, out-lined in black... and what few “words” there were on it, for neighbour-hoods, streets, &c. those were in Chinese. It all just added to my aggravation through-out the entire dream. But I wouldn't give up and I knew that, once I'd find a point of reference, I could get us to “familiar” ( to me ) surroundings and from there, we could get back to the vehicle which, I was almost sure, by now, had been removed for over-parking or some sort of excuse which just intensified my anger... and... I had to pee and heard Yonah calling... it was 6.30 this morning, and I was in bed...
8.05 and I'm just finished jotting the dream, sitting at the kitchen table, dressed. Yonah has been coo'ing almost non-stop this morning. Out-side, temperatures are claimed to be 1/-2° with a light-and-wet snow falling... SNOW A-FUCKING-GAIN!!! There's an “avertissement de météo hivernale” banner warning of “3 to 5 inches” of snow until 2AM EDT Friday, but according to the “horraire”, snow ends this after-noon at 14.00 when the temperature rises to 3/-2°. No snow in the 7-day and 0° for tomorrow's “high”. Alas, as with all... time will tell and we shall see and this too shall pass... what-ever. AND... I'M GOING BACK TO EXHAUSTED... mostly because of lingering, dull pain mostly in the pelvic area this morning. I could either fall asleep sitting here or go back to bed... neither of which I intend to do. - The house has an “odd odour” about it... it had it last night as well. I suspect that wall-critter has some-thing to do with this. (But it's quiet at the moment.) - I've really nothing on an agenda for the day, and wouldn't any-way, with these pains. - 8.23 Just back from taking some photos of Yonah and the “silver dollar-sized” snow falling ever-so silently and, thankfully, only barely accumulating out there. It isn't “cold', rather, it's quite “damp”. I'd put the furnace up to 65F for a bit when I got out of bed, to take the chill out of the house... and... AND... IT APPEARS THE DOLT IN THE PEE-OH HAS ARRIVED... JUST AS I CAME BACK INTO THE HOUSE! “V-RRRRROOOOM!” AND A TRUCK IS JUST PULLING AWAY. 8.26? WTAF? - Mean-while, I need a trip to the loo and... I WISH I had a cot in Yonah's room. I'd go in and snooze in there with her. (Hers is the warmest room in the house.) I'm just restless this morning, and the “discomfort” doesn't make things even tolerable. Oh well... another day of “rolling with it.” I might make those cookies I've been planning on. The baking soda, stick of butter and vanilla have been on the counter for the past 3 days now... waiting. I'm just “run-down”. -12.21 I do NOT know how or why or what or when or any of it but, at about 9.00-something, I laid down on the BED... in the sleeping bag and SLEPT... actually SLEPT, for 90 minutes! AND... from since I woke, I've been quite almost perfectly OK for the first time in for-ever! There's a trace of pain in my waist now... originating from that pelvic area, but it's dispersed and easier to cope with! AND, I've got cookie dough in the fridge on the chill, the washing-up from that is done... AND... I have moth balls in the house! So... I'm going to have mid-day pills with left-over coffee and head up to the horrors to dispense moth balls and a “hornets' nest”. May as well take advantage of the relative pain-free state whilst it's present. And the snow turned to rain to drizzle to... wet. Even the birds came to lunch out back. It's not “cold”, per se, but it IS DAMP! But you know? I have neither shits nor fucks to give. - Oh... this morning at... AT 9.00, just as the phone-clock hit the hour... the fucking collections on the Skype number! FUCK THEM! Really. Terse letter to follow. As it is, if I only pay the bills on Saturday, I'll be “existing” on 180$ for almost 5 weeks ... and that's with-out heating oil! So? So... indeed... they can scratch their own colons for what-ever makes them happy. If they find it? HOORAY! If not? Too damned bad. - (I'm wondering if I didn't take TWO naproxen this morning, by mistake and that's why I'm in less pain and a mood that's almost capable of inflicting physical
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Fri.02.Apr: 8.31 Although no “contractions” through the night, the pain in the lower-left side, round-about the pelvis, has no migrated to the groin, left side. I've had this before, but still can't quite figure what causes it. It woke me, just about hourly-to-the-clock, from 23.00-2.30. Up to the loo for a pee, some “productive”, others just a trickle. Then back to bed. I HAD to get up and put on sweat pants and wear the back brace all through the night as well. It didn't stop the pain, but it made it more tolerable. Then, at about 5.00 this morning, the pain woke me again... and off to the loo to try a pee. Back to bed and... the 6.00 alarm. I tried to sleep until 6.30 but Ms. Yonah was up and calling so, I decided that I can take a “snooze” later, and probably will do, and got up and started the day's “roll”. Coffee... and a long sit in the loo (which was “productive” but useless against the pain). AND... the water in the “pool” has been changed, so too, the paper on the “corner terrace” as well as by the food dish. House is clean this morning. - Now, weather? Shitty. Snow on the mountains. Clouds in the sky. Crisp breezes blowing. The furnace, set at 60F, ran several times through the night and this morning, I HAD to put it up to 65F for a while. But the house is chilled and the out-side is chilled and today's “high” is expected to be 0°. Coming days, single digits for a while and nights of minuses galore. Oh well. - I'll have to run into town at some point today... a pack of smokes and bring the account down to single-digits as well. One pack... just until. Food? Not sure. I'm pondering a glass of prune juice at some point. As for meal and such, I've no idea. I don't want much, I don't want chicken, I don't want the starch of pizza, and I don't want any more lettuce. I'll just have to ponder for the while before heading out. - Other-wise, there are photos to be added to the “slide” of Yonah's photos and I should work on the “auto-slide” coding as well. - Yonah's curtains? Not today. Not if they're just going to freeze. Something for Sunday... - And speaking on Yonah... she's in there listening to “Triplettes de Bellville” at the moment and she's fine again this morning... and for that, I will not complain about any-thing else (for the moment). - Oh... and it appears that Shitboi is in this morning. Last night as I brushed m'teeth, I heard him howl, off in the distance, perhaps from his bed-room. I suspect he was “gaming” again but other-wise, after investing in the moth balls and “nest” and going up-stairs, efforts to keep the vermin out of the house, not to mention the shovelling of the back walks (plural) and drive and the work I put into this place, I'm done with being the “kindly neighbour”. And that's my story of this morning. Now... on with soc.med., internet stuff, first actual coffee and then... snooze. How charming. Fuck. - 8.55 Well, kindly, Soc.Sec. posted to the account this morning... and now... AUSTERITY COMMENCES... bills to be paid in due course... today. Fuck ME! - 9.32 I'VE JUST PAID THE BILLS!!! FROM RENT THROUGH INSURANCE FOR THE TRUCK, EVEN CAUGHT THE “10-DAY GRACE” FOR THE PROPANE! AND... I CAN AFFORD A PACK OF SMOKES! I CAN EVEN AFFORD TWO... for now... hoping that I can keep the electric bill under 90$, which is impossible, I know, but... I'VE PAID THE BILLS! And I'm still in “testicular pain” but... I'VE PAID THE BILLS!!! OK! Let's roll with the rest of this day! - 15.15 I'm still in a bit of a “shock” at the moment: BILLS ARE PAID! AND... I ran to FamDoll for 2 smokes AND to market (simply because I was out). It's almost “bitter” out there today. 0° but the wind makes it colder. But right now, I've put ALL of Yonah's photos into code and am sitting in her room, with her at the cage door, and it's 23° in the room. (It's considerably cooler in the rest of the house, of course.) But, there's a few dollars left in the account, nothing that could cover any-thing much of what I might “like” to buy, but better than a single dollar... or nothing at all. So... it might not be much, but the bills are paid and there's some-thing in the banque. (What I'd REALLY like to have is a cot in this room so I could “snooze” with Yonah.) - Just had some prune juice a while ago and am waiting (and hoping) for it to kick in and “flush”. All day I've had the sensation of needing a BM but it's nothing, really. And the pain in the side is still quite present. Oh... eventually it'll pass... or some-thing will... again... I hope. - Well, I've NO idea, really, what meal will be today. I bought salmon, thought of a salad again, but no lettuce... I have none and I really didn't want any more. Basically, just need to “flush”. We shall see what gets tossed together... when it's time. Quick. Easy. Light. Done. And it's Friday... what-ever that means these days. - 19.38 Yonah is “covered” for the night. We spent an hour together, just chatting, as usual, with her door open. When I'd sing with her music, she, on her perch, tilted her head and stared at me and then... THEN... COO'ED along with me! There's going to be a VAST VOID in this house when she's no longer in it. But... it won't be for very long, I shouldn't think. She'll be off with her flock and I'll be “off” to where-ever. (And on nights like this, I'm more sure of it.) - The prune juice is still working “down there”. And meal this evening was sautéed “Italian mix” with half the tinned salmon. All soft. Veggie and fish. Ice cream after, of course. Nothing “hard to digest”. Tomorrow should be “interesting”. The good in it is that “things” are “flowing” through, quite well.
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Sat.03.Apr: 8.13 HORRIFIC NIGHT! PAIN! WOW! MANAGED TO FALL ASLEEP, WITH A COLD-PACK (from Northwest Medical, I believe) ON MY BUTT... SOME-TIME ROUND ABOUT 1.30 OR 2.00, FROM SHEER EXHAUSTION! Sad, but I was out of the shower and in bed, OK, by about 23.00 and read through several pages. Put the lights out, got almost comfy and... BANG, ZING, WOW, PAIN! IN THE BUTT! No matter what I did, every position was just as, if not more painful than any other I tried. SO... I got up, in the “NH Sweats”, which I wore to bed hoping the extra coverage would help, and headed out to the futon. Nope. Not a single position gave comfort. That's when I thought of the cold-pack. So I got up, got that out of the freezer, wrapped it in a tea towel (which I'll launder today), laid me back on the futon, laid the cold-pack on the butt-cheek and hoped... waiting for some change... ANY change, in the pain. It didn't really happen, the “change”, but at some point, I just fell asleep until about 6.30, when “the morning call” began. I managed to stay in the futon for a while, feeling a touch guilty, of course, until about 6.45. Got up, S.L.O.W.L.Y., to be sure, and once I managed to stand, got moving about, kettle on, curtains open and the “routine” got rolling. MEANWHILE... there's an “exceptional heaviness” in the chest this morning, but that might be attributed to FATIGUE, and a pre-occupation with this pain. I HAVE managed to make coffee, sat on the loo for a while... for nothing, literally, and Yonah's pool is in the kitchen basin, second soak with boiling water (poo in the pool this morning, tsk). I've had 2 half-smokes and put some food out back for the flocks. It's -4° by the moment, but the skies are clear, the sun is making its way into Yonah's room where I'm sitting now. It's not going to get particularly “warm” today, but at least it's not going to get particularly “cold” either. (I ran the furnace a little while... and I noticed it running twice during the night... NOT GOOD! And I'm NOT going to look at the oil situation. It won't do me any good, one way or another.) I'm just grateful for the sun-shine... which I'm sure Yonah will enjoy in a little while. - In other news... as I made my way through this morning's routine, the thought: “There's a thing called 'Will To Thrive'... I honestly don't have it. Perhaps there's another thing called the 'Drive To Thrive'... I don't have that either. 'Thrive” is not something that I've any interest in, other than for the immediate future, until such time when Yonah is back with her flock and I know she's re-established in her normal, appropriate environment. Then, it's 'all bets are off'. I'm not going to be bothered with all this getting up in the morning, being 'productive', 'useful', what-the-fuck-ever. Then I'll lay me down to sleep... and fuk-da-rest. Enough is enough and this is that.” There's a touch of “congestion”, little “clots” of phlegm, a bit of “rumbling” in the chest, and the usual sensation of steel bands round the ribs. Add the pain in the butt (literally) and it can't be any wonder that the rest of the mood is dreary. - I'm about to head to some-place for a snooze in a short while. Futon? Bed? Probably bed... the pee-oh-cow has arrived and today, the dolts gather until noon. NOT, mind, that I have any-thing in particular that requires attention, other than Yonah's place. Honestly... there's nothing on the agenda for the day. Mayhaps more work on a “photo slide” presentation on-line. Other than that... nope. I have to figure “meal” tonight and... AND... at some point (probably tomorrow), IF I CAN STUFF IT INTO A BUDGET... SOME SORT OF PAIN-MANAGEMENT/RELIEF... those “patches” or an ointment/lotion. Had I the where-with-all, I wouldn't object to an injection. BUT FUCK-TO-THE-FUCK-HELL-NO!!! IF IT INVOLVES HOSPITAL OR MEDIC... I'D SOONER PERFORM SELF-SURGERY! Shame, really, that not only do I have NO trust in the “medical care” bureaucracy, I've even LESS THAN NONE in the “medical staff” locally! (This might be a good day to compose a letter to that collection agency... send them a tome or 2, after all, the budget for the next 5 weeks is about 5$ per... FUKKEM... and that's NO HEATING!) - Well... I'm off... to try a quick snooze (30 minutes) whilst Yona's pool cools. Then? We shall see what we shall see.... I still wish I had a cot in this room. It would be a delight to snooze in Yonah's company. - 21.28 Noting here: Shitboi must have come rolling in at about 21.00. I was on the front porch, having a smoke, and heard what sounded like “heels on the floor”, rumbling. Couldn't quite figure where it was coming from but as soon as I got back into the house... it's been obvious ever since. Roaming about. Moving things. What-the-fuck-ever. Well, we had a wonderful night last, and a glorious day... can't have it civil all the time... FILTH! - As for the day... ALL of it, save a few snoozes, with Yonah! She basked in the brilliant sun-shine, I worked on trying new coding for her “slide-show” (still haven't got one yet... I did figure the “auto-refresh” in HTML, but the pages fade in but “flash” to white before they change. So? It's more working to follow). We had tea together too. It really was just incredibly wonderful, but then, time with her always is. And the day passed TOO quickly. Before I knew, it was 15.00... and then 16.00. At 16.30, I put the pot on the hob for meal... Pasta with “Italian Mix” veggies. I was going to add the salmon but the pasta browned so nicely that I just put butter and cheese on and it really was quite good. Ice cream after, of course. - At 19.15, Yonah's curtains got closed and I “retired” to a bit more effort on the “slide-show” and then on to the “Mullberry” videos. I need to replace about 3 but, not tonight. - AND... ALL DAY, I was in sweats! The very ones I'd slept in last night AND MY HIP AND GROIN WERE FINE! Oddly, I changed into clothes for meal and... I'm back in pain ever since! (I've taken 2 naproxen this evening... about an hour apart... Hell... I doubt it can do any harm... I just want to sleep! But I'm in pain again as I type! “Stress” - because of that dolt next-door? Fatigue? Looked it up today. It seems it's muscular... or a pinched nerve. That's good. And “treatments” are all “pain-related” so, there's no sense going to “anybody” about it. It'll pass... I have to remember: this has happened before...) - 21.50 Just in from last smoke. I was about to “install” the PO Sign but decided against it. It's just too cold. And dark. I don't know why I'm so hesitant about it. It looks quite nice. But... perhaps on the agenda for tomorrow. IF I'm able, I'll sweep the street tomorrow. I can put the sign up early in the day, that way, the “local idiots” can comment as they pass and I work. The lilies need attending as well. Oh... just “things” to keep busy. - I still think about getting a lawn mower, but if Alden puts more SHIT in next door... well... What will I do with a lawn mower should I remove from this place? Oh well... “A little place in the Adirondacks”. Here it is... for 2 years... just short of. - Anyway, it's time to try for some sleep. I'd thought of a shower but I'm tired and in a bit of pain so... brush the teeth and head to bed and HOPE that FILTH next-door is “down for the night”. - Tomorrow's their “Easter”. Gee... I wonder what kind of bull-shit will take place... party, getting laid, banging against the wall-boards, drunk? “Holy Fuck”. - I need to get to bed. - 22.24 Just checking flats... Cute in “Sacketts Harbor”... Watertown. Imagine... “Sacketts”, and only this morning I was thinking “Wouldn't it be funny if there was a place called 'Sacketts' something to move to?” Well... But it's too congested, and too far West... though it is on Lake Ontario. Oh well. - Meanwhile... the toddling next door continues. I'm in no mood... and I'm in pain. Time to try for a “long snooze”. I'm not planning on a peaceful night... no matter how it's shaken.
Sun.04.Apr:
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She said “You don't love him. You don't respect him. You 'tolerate' him.”
She said “I see all the others walk out looking so burdened. And then, you walk out... looking like 'Wie viel kostet die Welt? Ich werde es kaufen.' You... You who have nothing, but with such arrogance.”
The fact of the matter was that I'd gone fishing, hunting, to work with him and his father, in the woods, doing the 'tree-work'. I learnt how to 'smell snow on the air', to 'see rain in the distance', to navigate through woods when all there was to be seen was trees. I mowed the lawn, planted trees, walked through brooks, streams, creeks, bare-foot. I learnt what things there are, in the wild, to eat. I cut trees to make a fire to keep warm. I could build a wall... I could build a house. I could, tried to, and did emulate him.
I was BEATEN into submission and into pomposity. In fact, I was SO beaten into submission that the only way I could survive at all was to encapsulate the submission in pomposity or I'd simply die and rot in inferiority. And even that didn't serve at all times. There were the moments of 150 “Bufferin”, a concoction of “Listerene” and what-ever... and the razor across the wrist, trying to catch the blood in a towel, held over a nail barrel/waste bin. There was the evening stuffed behind the toilet, TELLING THEM “I can't take any more of this! I just can't take any more of this!”
She claimed she tried to intervene: “He's begging for HELP!”
She claimed he said “I'm not wasting my money on THAT!”
“What will you do to me next?” she asked, as I sat in the car, fascinated by the blood spurting from my wrist.
“You'll tell them it was an accident. You were shovelling snow and you slipped. Do you hear me? It was an accident!”
And then... sitting in Petrillo's office...
“We can help you, but you have to sign these papers...”
NOT A ONE OF THEM CARED ABOUT ANY-THING OTHER THAN HOW IT WOULD MAKE THEM LOOK! “HELP” ME? NO. “HELP” *THEM*! “SIGN THESE PAPERS”, INDEED! I'd've been put away, behind locked doors where the ENTIRE FAULT, ALL BLAME WOULD HAVE BEEN ON ME! AND NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD WOULD EVER KNOW... I WAS BEATEN INTO SUBMISSION AND INTO POMPOSITY
AND, BUT, THEY FAILED! SADLY, FOR THE LOT OF THEM... I KNEW!
“Submission and pomposity”, yes. BUT NOT to the point where I couldn't still THINK!
She said “You have to leave and you have to leave NOW! If you don't, he'll KILL you one of these days, and think of the stigma that will put on your brothers and sister, going through life knowing their father killed their brother.”
NOT ONE OF THEM CARED ABOUT ANY-THING OTHER THAN THEIR OWN REPUTATIONS, HOW *THEY'D* BE PERCEIVED... BY STRANGERS, PEOPLE WHO HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS ACTUALLY GOING ON!!!
The first thoughts of a day... and this, today, on “Easter” morning, the day of the tale of “resurrection from the dead”. The audacity. The BOLLOCKS! The bull-shit! The fuckerie. The nonsense. The insanity. The first thoughts of a day...
I DID manage a night of sleep, after only one, brief toddle to the loo. I finished “Whirlwind” and the lights when out with me thinking “Well, I'm not expecting anything other than another night of being up, walking about, in pain, trying to get comfortable, waiting to pass-out from exhaustion.” That was just past 23.00 or so. At about 0.35 (as I recall), I'd not gotten to “sleep” yet, had been laying in bed, teetering between awake and drifting-off when the pain struck in the hip. So I got up, made it to the loo and after, went back to bed, laying there, “massaging” the point of pain... and the next thing was the “morning call” from the next room... it was morning, it was 6.45, it was... it is... another day! And so, it was time to open the curtains, put the kettle on and move along, as one does, with the time at hand, and the time to follow. And, here I sit, at table, typing my thoughts into a digital record, almost wishing I could be speaking to some-one who could care, and knowing that that some-one doesn't exist. And the pain moves, as it does, from hip to groin and back and forth... and no-one knows... and no-one would care. “Submission and pomposity”.
And she'd said “If I told you all the things I carry in my heart, you wouldn't believe them and you couldn't bear them.”
Yeah... right... Yes, I know it was horrific for you, but you chose to keep it in your heart. You, with your “Jesus” and “God” and all the rest. I didn't even have “Jesus”... and I doubt I ever really had “God”... which is why, this morning... I literally, seriously, DON'T have either of those nor any of that.
BUT I DO HAVE A LITTLE BUNDLE OF PRECIOUS, OF LIFE, OF GOODNESS, WRAPPED IN DELIGHTFULLY BEAUTIFUL FEATHERS. AND SHE COO'S IN THE MORNING, THE AFTER-NOONS AND EVENINGS. AND WE “CHAT”... AND I HONESTLY LOVE HER WITH EVERY BIT OF MY BEING... AND SOME-HOW I KNOW THAT SHE KNOWS THAT ALL I MEAN FOR HER IS PERFECTLY WELL. I HAVE YONAH... AND YONAH HAS ME. AND WE'RE DOING PRETTY DAMNED WELL... AGAINST ALL THE ODDS.
And there's my morning rant. “First thoughts of a day.” - I've taken TWO naproxen this morning because I'd LIKE to get the street swept, the PO sign up, perhaps thin the lilies (though I'm not sure where to put the ones I'll have to remove... probably back by the garage again). I'd LIKE to keep busy today... I don't know why, but... I'd thought of going to the druggist, to get some of those “lidocane patches” for this pain, or something of the sort. But the fact is, I don't have the money and this will pass... eventually... and all the more... I do NOT want to go out there, to confront and be confronted by/with the idiots. So? Coffee at hand... a chill in the house (it's -4°, supposedly rising to 10° later), Yonah's listening to her “bird-songs” and having her breakfast and... 'tis on with the day... and “not one of them care”... and I shouldn't either. - 14.22 WHAT a change from this morning THIS is here... The sun is shining in through the windows in Yonah's room where I'm sitting. Out-side, it's really rather warm. In the house, how-ever, the thermometer in the room here reads 19,8°, down from the 20,9° that it was when I first settled-in, a mere 15 minutes ago. But, I do have the front door open so it's the air coming in and that's still got that “chill”. Hopefully the sun will strike the front of the house, raise the temperature and... we'll be toasty for the night. - Yonah is just having a bit of a nosh... SO SWEET! - AND...
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Mon.05.Apr: 8.48 Yonah's curtains are in the basin on the soak. I've already managed to get the “wood stains” out of the centre panel. But...
THERE IS NO “EMOJI” TO DESCRIBE THE WAY MY BODY AND HEAD FEEL THIS MORNING! I'M 'HERE' AND “THERE” AND, SIMULTANEOUSLY, IN A PLACE I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS IN ANY OF THE LANGUAGES THAT USED TO FLOAT ABOUT IN MY SKULL. AND LAST NIGHT? UNADULTERATED BOWELS OF “HELL” ITSELF! LIGHTS WENT OUT AT 23.30, IN THE BED. AT 24.30, I WAS UP AGAIN, CONTRACTIONS IN THE LEFT FOOT. I LAID THERE, FEELING THE CONTRACTION MOVE UP INTO THE CALF AND GOT UP, PUT THE SWEAT PANTS ON WITH THE SOCKS AND TRIED TO GET BACK UNDER THE COVERS. NOT SURE WHAT TRANSPIRED FOR THE NEXT HOUR, BUT AT 1.28 THE PAIN IN THE BACK (HIP?) WOKE ME. SO I PUT THE SWEAT SHIRT AND BACK BRACE ON AND WENT BACK UNDER THE BLANKETS UNTIL... 2.30 WHEN THE TOES ON THE RIGHT FOOT CONTRACTED! SO... I GOT UP, PISSED-OFF WITH THE ENTIRE WORLD AND HEADED FOR THE FUTON! HALF-DOZED, IN “DISCOMFORT” UNTIL 3.30 WHEN I HAD TO GET UP TO PEE! THIS TIME, THE CONTRACTION WAS IN THE LEFT THIGH!!! SO IT WAS UP AND INTO THE LOO FOR A BIT OF A PEE AND... BACK TO THE FUTON BECAUSE I DIDN'T DARE TO EVEN TRY FOR THE BED! AH-HAH... AT SOME POINT, I ACTUALLY PLUMMETED INTO A MISERABLY DEEP SLEEP... UNTIL... 6.00, WHEN “THE MORNING CALL” CAME FROM MY DARLING AND, SIMULTANEOUSLY, THE ALARM SOUNDED! SO... AS I REACHED OVER TO STOP THE ALARM... FOR A MOMENT... * I HAD NO IDEA WHERE, IN ALL OF CREATION AND BEYOND, I WAS! * IT WAS “DISTURBIN”, TO SAY THE VERY LEAST, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS FOR THE BRIEFEST, PASSING MOMENT. WHEN I FINALLY RECOGNISED THE LIVING-ROOM AND THE FUTON, I GOT UP, WENT IN TO YONAH, OPENED HER CURTAINS, TURNED HER “SONG BIRDS” ON AND... WENT DIRECTLY BACK TO THE FUTON WHERE, FOR ANOTHER HOUR, I MANAGED TO DIVE BACK INTO THE OBLIVION OF SLEEP... FOR AN HOUR! WELL... FOR REASONS I CAN'T TELL, EITHER THEN NOR NOW, I DECIDED TO GET UP AND ON WITH THE MORNING AT THIS POINT... I'M FATIGUED, MY BONES FEEL AS IF MY BODY'S JUST DRAGGING THEM ALONG WHERE-EVER I HAPPEN TO GO TO. MY HEAD IS “FLOATING” SOME-WHERE JUST ABOVE MY BODY, MY “SPIRIT”, AS IT WERE, IS FOLLOWING ABOUT, A TOUCH SLOWER THAN THE REST OF MY EXISTENCE. MY CHEST FEELS AS IF IT'S FILLED WITH SOME SORT OF “MERCURY”... LIQUID AND DENSE AND SLOSHING ABOUT. THERE'S THE SLIGHTEST “PING” IN THE LEFT HIP. MY LEGS AND FEET ARE “HERE” BUT NOT. AND YET, I'VE MANAGED TO CLIMB ON A CHAIR, TAKE THE CURTAINS DOWN, MAKE COFFEE, HAVE MY 3 VIT.C AND A NAPROXEN (WHY THE NAPROXEN, I'M NOT SURE BUT I THOUGHT IT A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE IT, AT THE TIME), GET DRESSED, PUT SOME BREAFAST OUT BACK FOR THE FLOCKS, HAVE A SMOKE AND... HERE I AM, AT TABLE, TYPING ALMOST AS QUICKLY AS I'M THINKING.... IF IT CAN BE PROPERLY BE CALLED “THINKING”.
The pee-oh qunt has arrived... the local fleas and lice follow almost immediately. Doors slamming. Foot-stomping on the front porch there. The whining... Just another day in “paradise”. There's a vehicle in the back drive. Not sure which, but it's there, so some-thing is in residence in the back flat. But the sun is shining. The breeze is chilled. I haven't checked today's météo yet, but I recall 10° and sun so... hopefully the curtains will dry properly and quickly... 3 panels on the line on the porch. And I'm about to change the water in Yonah's pool... when I get done with the usual morning routine and first actual coffee. GOOD LORD! THIS is going to be an “interesting” day... to be sure. - And... I wonder if there'll be any comments on the new PO sign. If so, I shouldn't expect any “positive” statements. But... THIS morning... I might not have an actual gun, but there will be blasts to hear, should it get too bleak. After all... the sign is completely hand-made and installed with-out putting holes in the wood-workings. AND... *I* CLEANED THE HILL YESTERDAY... WHIICH IS A FUCK MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THE REST OF THE “GOOD FOLKS OF NEW RUSSIA”. SO... - On that note... ON WITH THIS DAY! AND MAY GOD HELP THOSE WHO DARE.... - 9.23 Loan's paid... Bills due are officially “current”... (I'm doing very well... considering.) - 10.55 IMAGINE THIS.... The curtains are on the line. I spilled water in Yonah's house when I tried to simply change the water in the pool so... the dish had to come out, kitchen roll had to be swapped and then the usual process of flushing and re-filling. The house-plants had to be watered... AND IT'S ALL DONE! And, to be honest, I STILL can't quite “find me” yet... with all the pain-management still rushing through the blood-stream and brain. BUT... for a morning where the only thing I could think of was washing the curtains, this morning has just rolled, from one chore to another and, “things” have been “accomplished”! - “Radio l'Estrie” is on in the living-room and out-side, the sun is shining, the wind is blowing, it's not “cold”, it's not “warm”... it's just the “cool” side of comfortable. The town idiots have been in for their daily post. The qunt is closing things up with the usual “bang-thump”, my back “pings” now and again but nothing debilitating (yet). The place could use a Hoover, but I'm just not in the mood at present (might try a snooze). BUT... I'm rather amazed at how much I actually did... considering. - On with the what-ever is to follow. There are 4 items on my little list, including breaking-down the large pallet in the garage and burning the twigs in the back. I'm not sure about the pallet, but the “burning” is NOT NOT NOT to be done today... with all this wind. Thinning the lilies and tossing the “compost” are the other 2 items but... I'm letting time pass in consideration. That's that for that. - 19.31 Another day has come to a close. The whispy clouds above are mauve, the sky o'er the mountains is clear, the day's winds are calming to a breeze... the last birds are chirping... the mourning doves are tucked-in for the night, out-side and in. - I suppose it was a “good” day. Yonah's curtains are all fresh and clean, and I Hoovered with the smaller attachment, cleaning quite deep into the carpet. There's more that could be done, but, sadly, I just don't have “it” in me. And the rest of the curtains need to be done as well. 3 panels on the back line filled it. But they were that “microfibre” and dried in good time. Those in the living-room are a cotton and there are 4 panels to a window. They'll take a bit more patience. But warm days are ahead, with sun so... I might take advantage. Nothing got done out-side today though. It was too windy and the wind was just too cold, but tomorrow, I believe I'll rake the road-side grass, give the Hill side of the house a “cleaner” appearance. Why? Well, all too simply, because I reside here and I want it to be clean. No other reason, really. It's too early to plant anything, and it might be too early for the grass as well but... - The cedar vines are going to need larger containers. There are several lupines sprout nicely. They'll soon have to have containers of their own. Potting soil and what-ever to follow. I haven't the money and I saw an article this morning that states that Soc.Sec. has been fucking about. They're supposed to supply the info to the “eye are ass”, but they've delayed. There's no telling IF I'll get any extra at all this time round. Oh well... I just have to stop thinking about it. - Oh, and the house finally got Hoovered as well. - Alden said he might be up “in April”. I wonder if he'll extend the courtesy of notifying before simply appearing at the front door, as he used to do. I doubt it. I've come to learn that he too, is bereft of “courtesy”. - As for meal... I roasted 2 more chicken breasts this evening and had half a one, with “stir fry” veggies. Ice cream after. At mid-day, I'd had 2 rather thick slices of bread with peanut-butter and cream cheese. I used to like that combination. But I really didn't want to eat anything at all. Strange how my belly is so bloated and yet, I eat so little. They claim “stress” causes the body to hoard fat. “Stress”? From the pain, I could imagine. - Slapped 2 dozen cookies in whilst the chicken baked. Something for “evening pills”. I'm wondering if tonight will be “Robax” or naproxen or maybe one of each. My hip is a bit better but it's about the contractions... and nothing helps with those. Even Theresa has the same troubles and nothing helps alleviate hers either. And she's on Rx meds! Honestly. The more I think about “things” in general, the more angry I become with all the bull-shit about “God having created a perfect world”. There's NOTHING... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING “perfect” about ANY aspect of the “world” or “life” or “existence”. I mean, I can't even get the curtains in Yonah's room to hang “perfectly”. And in a “perfect” world, she wouldn't have been injured. In a “perfect” world, nourishment wouldn't consist of destroying life... of ANY sort. Oh... the closer I get to leaving this shit-hole, the easier it becomes because of the disappointments... mostly in my-self, for being so fucking gullible. - Anyway... enough with the philosophy. I want to look for another way to make a “slide-show” for Yonah's photos and there are “Mullberry” episodes to capture. And then... the dread of going to bed, putting the light out, head on pillow and laying there feeling the contractions... start at the toes, move through the foot, crawl up the calves and into the thighs, and being up and walking about in the dark... all through another night. Now THERE'S “stress”. Oh... fuck it. Really! - 22.13 Caught up in videos and... SHITBOI COMES BANGING IN... AT 20.45 IT WAS GOING AND I “COMMENTED”... THE HOUSE WENT QUIET UNTIL... If it's the fucking front door... well... that's a shit that can't shovel snow... waste. - I'm dreading this... it's time to try for sleep... I'm tempted to take a 2nd naproxen. My groin hurts, the back/hip appears to be OK, and then comes the contractions. Oh well... - Tomorrow... a MUST to the FamDoll for smokes. Sad. Before or after the raking? We shall see. - Now... I HOPE THAT WASTED SPERM-DUMP NEXT DOOR DOESN'T DISTURB YONAH!
Tue.06.Apr:
21.54: THE STIMULUS MONEY POSTED TO THE VT ACCOUNT TODAY!!! HOLY SHIT!!! JUST HOLY HOLY SHIT!!! HELLO YONAH'S SHELVING! (AND MAYBE A GUITAR! BUT HOLY SHIT!!!
7.30 I BLOODY-WELL SLEPT THROUGH THE ENTIRE NIGHT LAST NIGHT! AND... WERE I TO BE IN THE HOUSE ALONE... I'D STILL BE SLEPT EVEN AT THIS VERY MOMENT! I AM... IN AWE! - And I see another sunny and “seasonably warm” day ahead... NOT to mention... Saturday... 18° jour... 10° nuit! (Of course, on Sunday... “pluie” but... and the following week... 9° jour 2° nuit on the 20th. Hey! It ain't July yet.) But it's promising... and it puts the pressure on for Yonah's place on the back porch! (In my hesitation to go to bed last night, at 22.30 I was still on-line, looking for shelving. Seriously, unless I want to fork-over 70$ for something that really isn't what I want, I'm going to have to get at those pallets and start building! Fuck. Oh well... maybe it's for the best. If only my back would “heal” properly... soon... SOON!) And that said, I'm looking to cleaning the lilies today, making the Hill side of the house... “tidy”. It passes the time. - Feeling this morning? Well... there were “stones” in the chest, predominantly on the upper-right. But that's becoming “common”. A bit of “hacking” but, thankfully, nothing “of colour”. - And already this morning, Yonah's pool water has been changed and her song-birds are playing and she's coo'ing and I'm in from a smoke on the back where a bit of “breakfast” has been served. I need more seed... and I'm still trying to figure out why I have about 70$ left in the account/budget after the 200$ to the truck insurance. Granted, the NYSEG will be coming toward month's end and I' SURE THAT'S going to be hideous. But... - At some point today, I'll have to make a run into FamDoll... and I'm almost out of olive oil and PopTarts. And other than that... Just another day in this so-called “Paradise”. - That “patch” on “Bald” is still white this morning. I wonder if this week won't “clear it”. Granted, that's no guarantee of no more snow or cold, but it's a grand beginning. Oh... the suspense. (And that's what “suspense” becomes... at this stage of “life”... no complaints.) - Now, to pass a bit of time until the morning chill is removed from the air. (I've run the furnace to remove the chill from the house.) And then... off to the out-of-doors for a while... Lettuce prey. - 21.14 I ought to be in the shower! But... It's been SUCH a productive day!!! First of all, it got up to 13° with light breeze and plenty of sun-shine! Soooo... At about noon... I WENT OUT AND CLEANED THE LILIES!!! AND RAKED THE GRASS ALONG THE HILL SIDE OF THE HOUSE. Did a tiny bit of “cleaning” at the “compost”, raking SOME of the leaves back there into the pile. And then, demarcated the patch where the strawberries are coming back with 2 stove-pipes. (Now I'm waiting to hear the bitching from the trash next door as to how it's now difficult for the qunt to manipulate in the drive... fuck the both of them if...) As I worked in the back, Alvin came over to offer “different kinds” of rakes. As if I would accept. Pffft. Next, I raked, ever-so little, at the back walk, just to appear “clean”. And so, I was back in the house at 14.30... work for the day was done! TIME SPENT WITH YONAH!!! YAY! - SHE'S BEEN SO VOCAL OF LATE! SHE CALLS WHEN I LEAVE THE ROOM AND WHEN SHE FEELS SHE'S ALONE. I SO HOPE SHE DOESN'T BECOME DEPENDENT ON ME. BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I TRULY AM IN LOVE WITH HER AND HOPING SHE'LL DECIDE TO KEEP HER “HOME” FOR THE SUMMER (AND HEAD TO WARMER CLIMATES COME THE COLDER WEATHER... I CONSTANTLY WONDER IF I'LL BE HERE THEN... ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. WHEN SHE'S OUT AGAIN, I STOP MY “PILLS REGIMEN”. MORE-SO NOW THAN EVER BEFORE, IF SHE'S NOT HERE, I'VE NO REASON TO EVEN TRY.) - Before I forget... Theresa sent an e-mail this morning (last evening), with THE MOST AMAZING SONG...
***** THE TURTLE DOVE *****
I sat listening to it and SOBBED, WEPT my heart out!!! And now I have FIVE copies of it, on the lap-top AND on the iPod! Indescribable! As I sang along with it, in the kitchen, YONAH COO'ed FROM HER ROOM!!!
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Fare you well my dear I must be gone And leave you for a while If I roam away I'll come back again Though I roam ten thousand miles, my dear Though I roam ten thousand miles. So fair thou art my bonney lass So deep in love am I. But I never will prove false to the bonney lass I love Till the stars fall from the sky my dear Till the stars fall from the sky. The sea will never run dry my dear Nor the rocks never melt with the sun. But I never will prove false to the bonney lass I love Till all these things be done my dear Till all these things be done. O yonder doth sit that little turtle dove He doth sit on yonder high tree A-making a moan for the loss of his love As I will do for thee my love As I will do for thee. Ralph Vaughn Williams |
This evening, I went through the 5 copies, singing along and all the while, Yonah coo'ed from her room. It's almost as if she enjoys the music, and maybe, she hears me crying as I sing. When we spoke, after dinner this evening, I talked about the day, and getting her situated on the back gallery, and when I mentioned her flying away or me “not being here for long” she coo'ed repeatedly. She “senses”, I believe. And she stayed on her perch, right inside by the open door of the cage, looking at me most of the while. My heart again... “LOVE” and loss. LOVE... and... loss. Well, we'll see how it works out. - I believe I've found a reasonable shelving, it'll cost about 70$ but I don't mind the investment for Yonah. I'll probably have to order it and hope it arrives in proper condition, or I'm thinking of calling Home Depot and Lowes to see if they have it in stock for less. If I have to go to VT for it, so be it. Thankfully, a “blurb” on the météo today says that the warm weather won't “settle-in” until the end of April so there's time to get what I need/want. (I just wish that damned “stimulus” money would get to the account. I want to get it out of the banque AND I want to get the shelving!!! and more food for the flocks!!! More reason to just truly, deeply, sincerely, whole-heartedly HATE this world... which would throw me back into the “perfect God” and “perfect Creation” bull-shit, but I'll refrain.) - So yes, it's been QUITE the day today. Tomorrow claims to be a repeat, then, Thursday 19/6°(night), Friday 18/7°, Saturday 20/10°! A DOUBLE-DIGIT NIGHT! Sadly... by Friday-week... 9/3° again. Tonight will be 3° with a chill of 1° (yes, Yonah's radiator is on, to be sure). But for the coming fortnight, NO MINUSES! YAY! - In other “news”, seems the qunt is in residence again tonight. I heard some “calling” from the back gallery next door earlier and, of course, the usual “Thump-d-bump” on walls and floor. I've said and say: They need to be EXTREMELY grateful that Yonah is here because were she not, I'd be half the way through the sheet-rock and there'd be support beams “altered” under their floor-boards by now. I'm so fucking fed-the-fuck-up with this bull-shit. If they're not out by June... EVERYTHING depends on Yonah. (But I'll continue looking... just in case.) - For now, it's 21.44. I want/need to shower before bed tonight. At 20.00 I took my vit.C with a naproxen and at about 20.30, a Robax. Let's see how that mix turns the night. - I want to go through a “Mulberry” episode before bed. And tomorrow... I MIGHT attack a living-room window... get a set of curtains washed... It would be delightful if I could get up on time to get one set on the line in time to dry for the second set on the same day. If not... one tomorrow, the next on Thursday. 4 sheets on the line are going to be “tight” but... Now, I need to get the sleeping bag and afghan to the laundry AND find a reputable place to get the Hudson Bay blanket cleaned. All in time. And I owe Theresa a nice message. (I'm pondering making something on a “Word” doc... maybe even add images and send as a PDF! The “contemporary” answer to the old “hand-written” which I'd much prefer but really, these days, with time running away from me... - So... off to check “Mulberry” and then to the shower and then... to the dreaded Hell of going to bed... for a night of pacing the floors. - But... it was a productive day anyway. (And it started with a LOT OF CRYING!!! I HAVEN'T CRIED LIKE THAT IN YEARS!!!!) - 22.27 Tried to open a savings to transfer from chequing at the VT. Went through all the bull-shit and they want to run a credit report! FUCK! With the medical in collections... I don't dare! So... MAYBE tomorrow morning I'll give them a call and see if I can just do it over the phone. NOW... with all the money in the account... I probably won't sleep well tonight worrying that there's going to be a lien put on the account! OH just FUCK ME! And here I thought I had it all figured out. The only other way would be to go to the CU and pull it and pay a fee! At the CU AND from VT! OR... drive... which I DO NOT WANT to do because that's 200 MILES!!! Yes, I could drive up to Plattsburgh, get Yonah's shelving tomorrow, that would take a chunk out. But I'd really rather not go through that. OH... and here it is, almost 22.30 and I'm not showered and now THIS anxiety... BECAUSE I HAVE MONEY IN THE BANQUE! IMAGINE? Well, if nothing else, I'll throw a transfer in for the max from VT to NY tomorrow morning and play it from there. But I'll have to be up and on-line AT 9.00 when the “stimulus” clears... it's posted for tomorrow's date anyway. Oh well... there's nothing that I can do tonight... save head for the ATM in town... and pay fees. Nope. Not likely... not at this moment anyway... We'll see how my “instincts” settle between now and... Oh... just FUCK ME! - 23.58 Checked 3 of 4 “Mulberrys”. One good. One left to check. And now... had a shower, off to brush teeth and head to bed... directly. (I've had cookies and frosting and another hot water... my left side in “tinging” but not painful... yet... and there's always the feet and legs... well... here's to about 5 hours of Hell... on top of the damned money.)
Wed.07.Apr: 10.35 Another rather extremely slow start to a day. But considering the lack of proper rest last night, not getting into bed until mid-night, and then, up again at 6.30, the combination of naproxen and Robax (only 1 each)... I suppose. And although I did manage to “sleep” through the night, no contractions until very first thing this morning, relieved by firm massage to the lower back (there... pinched nerves), it really wasn't “restful” because of the pre-occupation with trying to get the money out of the account and trying to decide what to use it on. To think, I was rather thrilled about the notion of getting a guitar again, and an inexpensive mower. Today? The thought of driving to Saranac Lake for the guitar, and the prices of mowers just puts me off. I ponder: a guitar? Why? For such a brief time and at such an expense (almost 300$). A mower? REALLY? 2-300$ to maintain property that isn't mine and that I'm not truly “content” being on/in/at? Odd to come to the reality of having the means. When I didn't, it all seemed so simple, attractive. Now... certainly not-so-much. A new lap-top? Why? And as for the shelving... the trip to Plattsburgh (or Queensbury, or BTV/Williston) just isn't attractive nor inspiring either. In fact, even a trip into town to the market it a burden this morning. But I want to get broccoli for Yonah, no matter what. And I could fill the tank in the truck easily enough today. So, what did I do? Well, I put the transfer in for 500$ to TN. I do NOT feel at all comfortable about having that much money in THAT account, since they're quick to take “over-drafts” from savings with-out notice. And last night's little fiasco with the savings in VT, well, it all just put me so off... apparently on every-thing. Let's add the clouds in the sky this morning, coupled with the general fatigue and washing a set of living-room curtains got put off. So... I took a snooze for 30 minutes, on the futon, from about 9-9.30 and when I woke from that, got dressed and washed under-items which are now hanging on the rack. The indecisions of this morning are annoying. AND, there's something quite “odd” about my right eye this morning. It feels “off”, as if there's something in it, or that it's “off track”, “out of alignment”. It won't properly focus and that too, is aggravating. Maybe it's all just anxiety and fatigue. I'm not in the “sweetest” mood, but I'm not in the worst. Just “disquieted”, I suppose. One thing that would make it ALL so much easier: KNOWING, for a FACT, that I could go to Plattsburgh, Lowes or Walmarde or SOME place, and get the very shelving, at the very least, purchase, load it into the truck and have it. And yet, I DREAD the very notion of leaving Yonah alone for all those hours it takes. I just don't want her to be alone lately. She's so vociferous, and every time I walk into the room, she appears to be SO happy for the company. And I THOUGHT today might be a good day to open her window but it's a “chilled damp”, and with-out sun-shine, it just makes it all the worse for opening the house. Not to mention I'd had the furnace set at 65F for a while and the fucking thing's run THRICE this morning. (Thankfully, I had it off all night, last night.) Granted, I could call for another 100 gallons this morning, but that just pisses me off... having to invest any more in this house... along with the mower notion. But for the time-being, I'm setting sights on market... maybe Aubuchon for more flock food, and other than that, it's going to be a matter of “what gets done will have gotten done and other-wise, there's tomorrow”... If that comes, I can deal with it then. And if it doesn't? Well, none of today's annoyance will have been worth having. I also have to do something about transplanting the cedar vines and the lupines that are coming up. Potting soil... and I don't want to pay Aubuchon prices for that. I suppose what would make life all the easier is being able to simply remove the entire 1400 from the VT account, in cash, and then knowing that it could be deposited when needed. Stupid, really, because I could use the TN card for shopping just as well and as easily. (I just don't trust TN and I worry about any sort of “lien' on the account because, well, I've NO trust in ANY people any longer, from businesses to land-lord to neighbours. I remember Liz telling Bradshaw “You KNOW he has trust issues...” Yeah-sure. Fucking shame nobody ever cared enough to learn why, and even if they had done, they wouldn't have cared anyway.) - Well, I'll just wait until the fucking pee-oh closes, check today's post and go on from there. Again, the “accomplishments” will make themselves known... when this day is done. - 16.33 Well, OK. I never left the house... but I DID order the shelving for Yonah... BUT I HAVE TO DRIVE TO PLATTSBURGH TO FETCH IT... PERHAPS TOMORROW. Almost 140$, but, it's not something that I'll never have use for, but even MOST important... it's for YONAH! And that's ALL that matters to me. After that, time was, pretty much, wasted. (16.42 and the Hoovering next door, followed by the slamming of the door. FILTH! Fucking FILTH!) I did manage a 30-minute snooze. And my right eye is still bothering me, as if there's something in it. I flushed it with drops, to no good. Oh well. Hopefully, this too, shall pass. - Now, meal is in the toaster oven as I sit beside Yonah who is coo'ing along. I'm going to make every best effort at getting to bed ON TIME this evening, getting up and out of bed ON TIME tomorrow, hoping to receive an e-mail stating the shelving is in Plattsburgh. (If not... then Friday, and I'd really rather not go on Friday. No particular reason. I'd just rather not go at all, but since I must, I'd prefer to get it done with. There's no rush on putting the shelf on the back gallery, but it will be nice to have it... I just wish the delivery charge wasn't 45$. Imagine! It's considered “heavy”. Pfffttt!) OK and so, I'm working on getting this onto the servers before meal as well. Why? Because of the inclusion of the lyrics to “The Turtle Dove”. (I'm going to get a copy of the song as well... Ah... THIS Journal is turning into quite the “site”. Shame, really, that nobody will ever see it... more than likely. But It's here... for me... where-ever I may go.) - Oh, and though the sun came through late this morning, the breeze kept the temperatures such that the furnace ran several times. But NOW... the skies are clear, the sun is brilliant and the front door is open... the porch thermometer reads 80F! No, it really isn't but it IS quite comfortably warm. Almost warm enough to open Yonah's window... I still have to figure out how to do that with-out moving her about every time. The next “chore”. - 22.14 WELL! Another day to another night and late again. Meal at 17.00, washing-up done by 18.00. Yonah's curtains closed by 19.15 and the rest of the evening? What was left of it... The one thing that IS notable...
PEEPERS AT 20.14! I remember being told that THAT'S the first actual sign of SPRING! Something about no more freeze! (BUT... BLOODY ZERO ON THE NIGHTS OF THE 20th and 21st, ACCORDING TO THE FUCKING FORECAST!) Oh well... “It ain't July yet.” - The “usual pills” tonight, but 4 hot waters. Tomorrow.. 20°! So I MUST get up early enough to put some plastic under Yonah's place... so I can slide her over to get to the window to open it! Other-wise, it's going to get HOT in that room. OK. So I'm sure she won't mind the warmth, but having the air circulating will be most welcome, I'm sure. Hopefully the shelving won't come in right away. I don't want to leave the house with the window open, but then again... if I must, I may as well... At least it's not on the front of the house. (Sick, really, that I don't trust this place either... which reminds me... I want to get new locks/knobs for these doors too!) - SO for now... it's time for last smoke and off to try for sleep... especially if I'm going to have to go to Plattsburgh... AND I'd like to get a set of living-room curtains on the line so... HERE WE GO... off to a night's HELL.
Thu.08.Apr: 10.45 MY EYES ARE SUPER-FUCKED THIS MORNING!!! THE RIGHT EYE STILL FEELS AS IF THERE'S A “STY” IN IT, BLURRING VISION THERE. THE LEFT EYE FEELS AS IF THERE'S “”DUST” IN IT... BLURRING THE VISION IN THAT ONE AS WELL!!! ***** SUPER-SUPER-SUPER-FUCKED!!! *****
Mean-while, “morning call” came at 6.30. I'd had a relatively great night of sleep, save one trip to the loo, again, at about 1.20. But other-wise... SLEEP... and I SO wanted to stay in bed for a while longer this morning but... my Heart beckoned from the other room and so... up, kettle on, morning loo, curtains open and the day commenced. Today's “threat”: 20 or 21° with SUN-SHINE! Thus far, the doors are open AND YONAH'S WINDOW IS OPEN as well! Sadly, I had to “WD40” the track so there are fumes floating about, and I have the box-fan on the floor, in the kitchen, facing her room so as to move the air OUT of her window, for the most part, pushing “fumes” into the street. It took some doing: putting plastic (thankfully I have it) under the entire situation with the cage so that it can now be slid from left to right, giving just enough space to open and close the window... for the next few days of heat. And, a change of paper, cleaning the pool and I took a quick smoke on the Hill and Yonah and I had a bit of a chat as I was out there. SHE RECOGNISES ME AND MY “VOICE”!!! IT'S HEART-WARMING. But now I worry about the fucking fumes causing her discomfort or illness! There's always SOME-THING that will fuck a day. (And with my eyes being screwed... well... even the drops haven't helped this morning. Hopefully, what-ever it is in there will go away... If it's a sty, it'll take some time, mean-while, at least I think I can see well-enough to drive... if need be... to Plattsburgh?) - I've decided to for-go the living-room curtains. My thumb cracked right behind the nail and so, laundry detergent isn't advisable. No prob. I don't “REALLY” give a shit any-way. - As for “Plattsburgh”... I just now (at 10.56) see the notice that the shelves have “shipped”, expected to be available for pick-up today... but there's no “delivery” confirmation so... it would appear that I'll be making the trip tomorrow, which I didn't want to do because it's Friday, but if they're at the store today, I can get on the road early tomorrow morning and get ALL errands accomplished, including market (since FS will be posted tomorrow as well). I suppose that's OK. I just have to hope that I don't wake-up BLIND tomorrow morning. Oh... and... alas. Fuck. - As for the morning, thus far... of particular annoyance: Margaret and hubby came to fetch their post this morning and Bull-Becky was parked, of course, directly in front of the front door, so Mr. Margaret PARKED DIRECTLY OUT-SIDE YONAH'S WINDOW... ON THE GRASS (tyre ruts as evidence)! Maggie, ALONE IN THE CAR WITH MASK ON HER FUCKING FACE, made her usual U-Turn in the drive. Dan stalled Bull-Becky at the “T” on the main, for a while, shit-chatting, so the Jeep just sat there, idling, spewing. Jeff came by, with mask on face. (These “I've been vaccinated” shit-bags are so blatantly, utterly useless!) But, thankfully, nobody came to the door to be “sociable” and I'm grateful that I don't have to be bothered with/by that lot. - I'm not in a particularly “kind” mood... my eyes don't make “life” any more pleasant. - BUT YONAH'S PLACE IS SETTLED, HER WINDOW IS OPEN, THE SUN IS POURING IN FOR HER! No need for any-thing else... and her French music plays as she coo's along. - I hear the banging in the pee-oh indicating that thing will be departing in due course and the rest of the day can roll as it will. Me? I'll probably check the post, have my mid-day pills, grab a snooze. I wish I had a bit of a yard to place a chaise in and bask in the sun... WITH ANY PRIVACY! But... “A little place in the Adirondacks”... as usual, I didn't specify “WITH PRIVACY”. So I have what I have. Besides... Yonah is in my “life”... Yonah IS my my “life”. There's the trade for all else. - 14.21 Sadly, it's a beautiful day out there and I've, essentially, fucked the day away. Oh well... So now, in the brightness of Yonah's room, I'll do some “web-work”. - My left eye is still bothering me but I have to move around it. Thinking about it does no good, and I'm SURELY NOT going to any “quack” about it. So? So... I'll just hope it's not worse tomorrow... (hoping that Yonah's shelving will be in tomorrow...) - And as for tomorrow... I'm considering Hannaford's, Target, Dick's... along with the Staples and Walmarde and possibly Lowes. Make a trip worth the while, catch as much as I can (to use the money I have whilst I may). - And now... for tea, music, Yonah and being other-wise occupied. “These are the days...” - 14.53 WOW! WP has really made up-dating a MAJOR PAIN in the PILES! BUT... as of 13.15... YONAH'S SHELVES ARE IN THE STORE! So tomorrow... off we go... hopefully to there and back... WITH NO TROUBLES, TRIALS OR TRIBULATIONS!!! NONE! - And the servers are up-dated and now... on to some-thing else as Yonah sits beside me. - 21.27 Wellll.... THANKFULLY, THE “FRACASS” AT 19h41 LASTED ONLY BUT ABOUT AN HOUR... WITH THE FLOORS HERE, RUMBLING! Now, the house is calm again and I'VE GOTTEN THE COMPLETE SET OF “MULBERRY”!!! Then, watched a documentary on Virginia Woolf whose books I need to re-collect (and have on my “list” with Abe's). - Pills taken. 2 hot waters. And little Yonah all snug in her room. I'd considered a shower tonight but I'll just force me out of bed with time to take one in the morning. It's going to be SO difficult, leaving Yonah alone for the morning. But, the shelving is part of her return to her actual “Home” so... I'm off to brush my teeth and head into bed with the HOPE OF SLEEP... RESTFUL SLEEP, through the night. (I know... I ask for entirely TOO much!)
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8.37 I'M NOT “SURE” WHY, BUT I'M SITTING HERE, WITH *SO MUCH ANXIETY* BECAUSE OF THIS TRIP TO PLATTSBURGH TODAY... I'M NOT “ILL” FROM IT, JUST “UN-SURE” ABOUT IT. THERE'S NOTHING “OBVIOUSLY WRONG” ABOUT THE MORNING (other than being later than I'd planned) BUT THERE'S AN “UN-EASY FEELING” ABOUT IT ALL. TYRES. ENGINE. OIL PRESSURE. THE “USUAL” SHIT THAT I OBSESS OVER BEFORE TAKING ANY TRIP IN THE TRUCK. BUT ABOVE *** ALL *** ELSE IS THE CONCERN ABOUT LEAVING YONAH ALONE FOR HOURS, AND THE DISTANCE FROM THE HOUSE. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A FAIR DAY, WEATHER-WISE, QUITE WARM THIS AFTER-NOON. SHE'LL HAVE SUN AND WARMTH. SHE HAS FOOD AND WATER AND SHE'S SAFE FROM PREDATORS. OF COURSE, THERE'S THE SITUATION WITH MY EYES. THE RIGHT ONE IS FUCKING ABOUT AGAIN, THIS MORNING, BUT NOTHING “BLINDING”. AND THERE'S A “PRE-OCCUPATION” WITH ILLNESS ON THE ROAD. AND, OF COURSE, THIS MORNING'S “SOC.MED.” IS PACKED WITH ALL SORTS OF THIS “COVID” BULL-SHIT WHICH I KNOW, IN MY GUT, IT PURE FEAR-MONGERING, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OUT THERE WHO ARE INSANE... MAKING GOING OUT OF THE HOUSE A HORROR IN AND OF ITSELF. BUT THE SHELVING IS PAID AND NECESSARY FOR YONAH'S RETURN TO THE FLOCKS AND HER “NORMAL”, “NATURAL” LIFE. I PROMISED TO CARE FOR HER UNTIL SUCH TIME WHEN WEATHER AND SUCH WILL BE KINDER TO HER. I MUST, FOR MY OWN HEART, KEEP THAT PROMISE. AND THAT WILL PUT ME ON THE ROAD TODAY. THERE'S REALLY NOTHING “TANGIBLE” TO STOP ME FROM THIS... I HAVE TO WONDER THOUGH: IS THIS PREMONITORY, OR IS IT JUST MY FEEBLE MIND TAKING A TOLL? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY OF KNOWING FOR CERTAIN... GO. AFTER ALL, WHAT IS TO BE WILL BE, WHETHER I STAY HERE OR TAKE TO THE DAY. MEAN-WHILE, YONAH IS COO'ING... THE RADIO IS PLAYING... THE SUN IS SHINING AND... WELL... (20.13 It went alright!) - I slept through, last night, lights out by about 22.30. One loo trip all night, and I woke, wanting, as usual, to stay in bed. But at 6.00, Yonah was up and so too... I. Her “pool water” is fresh. She has fresh food with cod liver oil in this morning. She has what is necessary to health. The flocks on the back walk have been served breakfast. FS posted. The accounts are in good order. Music on the iPod... And, as I say, the right eye is still “annoying”. But... well... it's time to get this shit-show rolling. The sooner I'm out the sooner I'll be back... and all of this “anxiety” will be just another “psychotic episode” in my usual, “normal” existence. - 20.13 FINALLY... Today's RUN, is DONE, and it neither broke the banque nor was “too” disappointing. Let's just say: No wheel(s) for the cart, no oil for the truck (but I DID get the filtre, so THAT'S at least ONE good item... “Fram”, of course). But other-wise... IT WAS WORTH THE TRIP (BUT *NOT* THE TIME)!!! I finally got out of here at about 10.30, figuring it would take me about 2 hours... stupid, really, since it takes about 45 minutes each way to drive... I really wasn't thinking at all. But then again, I was so wrought with anxieties over the entire notion that “thinking” of any-thing else was impossible. - First stop, piss 22$ into the gas tank at Stewart's in Liztoon and, with music on the iPod (“Chasing Cars”, over and over through the entire trip) singing (BELTING) at the top of my wracked lungs, up the 9 to the Northway! Plattsburgh and first stop there, Tractor Supply where they had NO idea or notion of ANY sort of wheel for the cart, and to be honest, not very helpful other than to suggest I try “Runnings”. OK. Fine. Nice day. Nice weather. The truck made the trip... and I'd never been in Runnings before and thought it a grand idea, to go with a purpose. So... at Runnings, which is a GLORIOUS “TOY STORE” with ALL SORTS of tools and clothing (Carhart jeans at 40$ and no “straight legs” in my size, but that's OK... for now) and bird stuff and pet stuff and... oh it was a grand browse, even hauling the cart wheel that, again, THEY had NO clue about and nothing to substitute and suggested Lowes (which was right next door). OK. Fine... a toddle to Lowes and there they had 12” wheels that I would have gotten had they been at lest 14”, though I need 17 or 18”. (I might just look on-line again... MIGHT, but...) I'd gone directly to “Customer Service” who told me an aisle, a nice fellow came to offer assistance and a customer convinced me (rather) to drop the replacement and get the substitutes. The problem with it all is the axle. I need a wheel that will fit over that and THAT is going to prove horrific. (Even the wheels they had were too narrow. Oh well... “Vermont”... more on that to follow.) FINE! I was already growing tired, and this “face covering bull-shit” was wearing ever-so thin. I almost considered coming back home but thought it a REAL waste of time, gas, mileage and money to just give-up on the entire excursion so... down the road and off to Staples to pick-up Yonah's shelving. Ah... the “charming little fellow” (“Light in the loafers” to put it politely) at the “On-Line Pick Up” wicket was as “dim” as one might expect. But BUT the shelving WAS there and another fellow brought it to the truck on a hand-cart. It isn't actually “heavy”, but it's a size and shape that makes it “odd” to carry so I was grateful. I loaded it onto the truck and IMMEDIATELY opened the box to inspect. The box is quite “battered” BUT the shelving appears to be in perfect condition. We shall see tomorrow when I check for all the parts. GOOD GOOD! The MAJOR reason for the trip was ACCOMPLISHED! ON TO PetSmart where I got a jar of “Meal Worms” for YONAH!!! and then to... Walmarde for “necessities”. Ah... Walmarde, so much space, so many aisles and racks and stacks and shelves and JACK-SHIT-FUCK-ALL. But, not to make THAT another waste, I DID manage to get the oil filtre, 6 rolls of kitchen roll, laundry soap, “Clean-up”, more “Argon” shampoo. BUT... NO FUCKING POTTING SOIL! The ONLY bags they had were OUT-SIDE the “Garden” fence and when I asked if there was a way I could just go through to get a bag with-out walking the full length of the store, the dolt sitting there just shook his head. I was “officially” PISSED TO THE CORE! FUCKING ATTITUDE! So I went about getting the other items and headed to the registre, slipping items as quickly as possible, through the scanner and OUT!!! Being down at that end of “the strip”, I bolted to Stewart's to re-fill the tank. THEY'RE 14¢ LESS PER GALLON THAN THE THEIVES IN LIZTOON! AND EVEN WITH THE HIGH-TEST... IT WAS ONLY 7$!!! WOO-HOO!!! Encouraged, and curious, I scurried across the road to the all-but-abandoned old “mall” to find “Bob's Music” store to look at guitars. Yes, indeed, I did. Well, BOB was PURE DELIGHT in his little store. I told him I haven't played in 30 years, at my age, I didn't want to get anything “Concert-worthy”, we discussed working in Hospice because he asked me “Have you been vaccinated?” and when I told him no, and why not, he said that he HAD been and removed his mask. I removed my bandana and we had the most WONDERFUL time of it! I tried 2 guitars AND...
FOR 158 I WALKED OUT WITH GUITAR, SHOULDER STRAP (ugly but) AND CAPO!!!!! I HAVE A GUITAR AGAIN! I'm not “DANCING THRILLED” with it, it's steel strings, but... I HAVE A GUITAR!!! AND FOR ABOUT HALF OF WHAT I'D EXPECTED TO PAY!!! BOB'S REALLY AMAZING!
OK... I was feeling QUITE a LOT better by then and so, I was determined to get to Dick's for, if nothing else, a new back support and jock-strap. So... into the Mall of Horrors I rolled. WELL!!! AT DICK'S, THE MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN (“Brandy”... you're a fine girl”) helped me find the back support AND the jock (which I'm afraid might be too small and I doubt they do exchanges on such items and THAT was MUCH more that I'd expected to pay for what's basically “contemporary shit”)! I've since tried (and am wearing) the back support and WHAT a RELIEF to have one that fits snuggly AND doesn't slip about! And we got talking... and I asked about wheels for the cart and it got us into talking about... “Vermont” and SHE ALMOST IMMEDIATELY SAID 'I HATE Vermont! And I HATE Vermonters. I lived there for a year. They're selfish, can't be trusted and entitled.” OK! WE WERE “BESTIE FRIENDS”... and her husband in from Newport... ça se peut tu? We discussed “Chittenden” and Richford but we both agreed... and she said “They got 12 months of my life and they're not getting any more!” OK! So then she walked me over to the bicycles to look at tyres, tubes and the sort and we chatted. SHE TURNED THE ENTIRE DAY INTO SUCH A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE! I WAS ALMOST FLOATING OUT OF THAT MALL! AND... LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING TO... HANNAFORD'S! Yep... off I went and into Hannaford's where, THE GREATEST ITEM I BOUGHT WAS AN ACTUAL BEEF ROAST!!! 8$!!! EVERYTHING IN HANNAFORD'S IS SO MUCH LESS EXPENSIVE! IT WAS A DELIGHT! I WALKED OUT WITH 75$ IN FOOD AND HAD MUCH BETTER QUALITY AND QUANITITY THAN I'VE EVER GOTTEN LOCALLY! INCLUDING 3 BRICKS OF COFFEE AT ALMOST *** HALF *** OF WHAT TOPS CHARGES! (I might just make grocery shopping a monthly trip up!) AND NICE BROCCOLI FOR YONAH AND *** FAGE*** YOGHURT (TWO, in fact) for me! WOOHOO!!! I WAS FINISHED... COMPLETE... DONE... ACCOMPLISHED!!! AND... I WAS OFF AND ONTO THE NORTHWAY AND HEADING BACK TO NEW RUSSIA (having NO idea what the time was). Music playing, rolling along at about 120km/h... even coming down the 9 from exit 33, the car in front of me was doing between 110 and 130 and so I followed along, anxious to get back to YONAH and happy to be following somebody else who “knew the roads”! A quick stop at Aubuchon's for more bird seed (and now, an “account” AND a 5$ “Reward” on my next purchase... which will, of course, be bird seed) and ANOTHER delightful experience when greeted so warmly and friendly! WOW! THEN came the “Wrap-Up” and FamDoll... I needed smokes and stopped. Betsy, Casey, Rylan, Bubba were there... Adam on registre. We laughed and joked, as we usually do BUT...
“Nell” and hub were there AND SHE was AT the cashe, not queued, just beside it, as I got there. WELL... As I turned to leave the store, she stood there... WITH A FUCKING MASK ON HER FUCKING FACE... Ms. “I'M VACCINATED”... FUCKING DOLT, AND JUST SLIGHTLY WAVED. YEAH? I SLIGHTLY WAVED AS WELL AND NEITHER OF US SAID A WORD AND I IMMEDIATELY LEFT THE STORE. WHEN I GOT TO THE TRUCK, SHE AND HUBBY WERE GETTING INTO THEIR VEHICLE. I PUT THE “CAJUN” MUSIC UP AND ROLLED OUT... AND DOWN THE 9 (at 110km/h) and HOME TO YONAH! Pulled into the drive, BOLTED into the house... Looked at the clock... 16.30!!! I FELT LIKE SHIT... HAVING LEFT THE POOR BABE IN THE HOUSE, ALONE, ALL THOSE HOURS, WINDOWS CLOSED (but honestly, it was much cooler in the house and that was quite a relief... it had reached 23° today and I WAS MISERABLE WITH THE HEAT!)! OH... MY HEART WENT TO HER IMMEDIATELY AND SHE COO'ED!!! So I brought all the things into the house, put the truck in the back and began un-packing AND put the franks on the hob for meal whilst I “got things together” AND coo'ed back and forth with the LOVE of my LIFE! She was obviously happy to see me and I was TRULY DELIGHTED to be back in her company. But... OK... here we go... the jar of salsa that I'd gotten to go with the franks... the lid OPENED in the tote! Salsa on the groceries, in the tote, on the table cloth! So... the tote and cloth went into the basin to soak and be washed as I prepped meal and got things “sorted” and together. (The tote and cloth are on the line on the gallery where they'll stay over-night.) Meal was at about 17.15 and by 17.45, the “washing-up”, including the tote and cloth, was done! I went into Yonah's room to do the “book-keeping”, receipts into the paper ledger and the digital. I'd put about 5 meal worms into her cage, to see what she would do about them... I DO BELIEVE SHE ATE SOME! Cod liver oil during the day and meal worms this evening! Vitamins. Minerals (in the other food). Protein! YAY! (I just hope it settles in her little digestive tract alright.) If this all works well, she'll be in MAGNIFICNET health when she heads back out into the world! (And if there IS one... GOD FUCKING HELP ANY FUCKING THING/BODY THAT CAUSES HER ANY HARM OR DISQUIET OR DISCOMFORT! I'LL FUCKING MURDER AND TORCH! AND THAT, I WILL SWEAR ON MOTHER'S GRAVE, AND THE GRAVES OF ALL THE ANCESTORS!!! (Shit... it's 21.16 already!) SO we spent time together, coo'ing back and forth as I worked in her room and it got to be 19.30... so I gathered lap-top and books and such together, closed her curtains, bade her a “good-night” with the reassurance that I DO LOVE HER SO MUCH! And “removed” to the kitchen where I am now. - I'm EXHAUSTED! MY EYES ITCH! I didn't even have ice cream after meal (but I had 2 PopTarts with my 2nd hot water and “pills”... just now).
AND NOW, AT 21.19, SHITBOI MUST BE ROLLING IN BECAUSE, FOR THE FIRST TIME ALL EVENING, THE BANGING AND THUMPING COMMENCES!!! AND I CAN FEEL THE “ROLLING” ON MY KITCHEN FLOOR!!! And, as an “aside”, April's rent cheque is still out-standing. 21.25 I'M JUST IN... TOOK A STROLL ROUND TO THE HILL TO SEE WHAT, IN FUX NAME, IS GOING ON OVER THERE... IT'S THERE. BUT THE NOISE TONIGHT SOUNDS LIKE “ROLLING” IN THE DUCT-WORK!!! ONLY ONE CAR IN THE DRIVE. FUCK! I DO HOPE ALDEN DOES SHOW UP BECAUSE I'M NOT HOLDING BACK ON THIS! BUT I WANT TO TELL HIM TO HIS FACE! JUST SO THAT HE WATCHES WHAT HE PUTS IN THERE NEXT! FUCK!AND IT'S STILL GOING ON! THERE'S NO FUCKING FURNITURE IN THE PLACE! IT'S A “HOLE” AND YET, THAT MORON, IMBECILE, MANAGES TO ROCK THE HOUSE!
On a softer note... the street light is out again tonight and standing out front, looking at the house, this is such a cute little place, really. Such a shame it's a “flop house”. - Fine... it's time to wrap things up. One more hot water and a hot shower tonight. - Oh... I've sent in the meter reading for the electric. I expect it to be about 140$. THANKFULLY, I'd budgeted 90, changed it to 150 and there's enough to cover it in the chequing. AND... there's extra in the savings in the NY account. I COULD squeeze 100 gallons of oil into it... but I'll hold. The coming week will be warm and what's to follow will be chilled but... I'll have to check the oil down-stairs to see. - And, noting, my right eye has bothered me all through the day. Both of them feel “dry” but the right one is not bugging me for the first time with the “throbbing”. Gee... I wonder... SHITBOI? - All else said... THIS DAY IS A WRAP! THANKFULLY IT'S SHABBAT AND YONAH AND I WILL SPEND MOST OF TOMORROW TOGETHER. LOVE! -23.16 Had another naproxen, 2 more PopTarts, another water. The street light is still off... the bull-shit next door is... “intermittent”... I'm out for last smoke after an episode of “Brush Strokes” (Karl Howman... “then”). Then... BED! AND, tonight, so hopefully... sleep. A day with Yonah ahead tomorrow!
Sat.10.Apr:11.19 I almost can't believe this... just past 11.00 and I'm just... JUST getting to sit, getting to the Journal of the day. It's been a constantly moving sort of morning, beginning with getting out of bed at 6.45, following a night of one bout of contractions that didn't require any more than a trip to the loo, thankfully. And to think, I'd taken a naproxen at 20.00 and another at about 21.30 or so. DOUBLE-dosing and still... contractions. I suppose they've become my “normal” now... for the duration. Along with the “heaviness” of chest for most of the day, the aches in the neck and shoulders, left side, right side. And the “discomfort” in the right eye. Yeah... just falling apart these days. Well? One of these days it'll be done and so too, will I be. - Mean-while, this morning? Up, kettle on, dress, and whilst making coffee, changed the water in Yonah's pool, refreshed the kitchen roll under that end of her “house”. Then, on to “sifting” the new bag of seeds to make more for her and to “serve breakfast” on the back walk. The table cloth is back on the kitchen table. AND... 8 lupines are now in individual containers. I have t find a place to put them. They're on the sill of the closed window in Yonah's room, but they really can't stay there. The nights still get “chilled”. But... I'll find some place for them, eventually. (Saw, this morning, forecasts for cold and “snow” on the 20th of April AND the 13th of May! SHIT! BUT... the fortnight forecast has nothing at or below zero so... AND THE PATCH ON BALD PEAK IS DIMINISHED... NOT “GONE” BUT NOTICABLY DIMINISHED. THAT'S “GOOD” TO SEE.) - The fuktards moved the flag at the pee-oh again, back to along the ramp. BANG BANG BANG!!! RETARDS... PLAIN AND SIMPLE. - And Ms. Shitboi was in residence this morning...it's since departed. - And I managed to reply to an e-mail from Theresa. She sent “I Won't Give Up On Us”... Mraz. Imagine? Dragged back to Richford. Meanwhile, the radio is on here, in Yonah's room, and the station is playing the “early Punk” songs, and my mind wanders back to “TJ” and the “Ninth Circle” and the “Dakota”... and the nights at Jordache. SO (TOO) many “yesterdays”, and they're SO clear in the memory... yet, yesterday, when I got back from the trip to Plattsburgh, I had to call Walmarde to remind of the purchase of the shampoo purchased mere hours before. This mind is just slipping. Oh well and alas. - But it's a glorious day, weather-wise. Yonah's window and the back door are open (and I'm about to grab a snooze... simply because I really want one and I'm relatively “captive” for another 30 minutes or so). Oddly (or not), I DID remember the chaise-longue yesterday, whilst at Walmarde, but I was in such a state that I didn't want to be bothered. Not to mention, I did see several listed in different places, on-line, yesterday... and the shits are 80-100$! JEEZUS KRISTE! To think, in the 60s and 70s they were considered “cheap”. Life... it's just SO FUCKED-UP! - Well... as Yonah is coo'ing, time for that snooze. - Sad... the shelving is in the box, in the kitchen, and I don't dare to touch it. I don't want to be reminded of the un-certainty to come where Yonah's concerned. And the guitar still sits on the futon, in the living-room, with the tag still on. (And Dire Straits sing “Walk of Life” on the radio.) “Life” just moves along, completely ignoring the damage, injury and degradation. “Creation”... what a shit. - 13.01 Sitting here, with Yonah, just putting today's photos onto HER pages, and the breeze blowing in through the window is actually warm... but still, I sit here with the “Orvis fleece” on. I'm tired today, and finding that I have to actually THINK about staying awake... and part of being... just “being”. I could, so easily, close my eyes, drift off to sleep and just never mind not waking again... EXCEPT for Yonah. I don't DARE “leave” her to the shits and fucktards around me here. Oh well... I “stay”, with NO grudge, until such time when this little feather-wrapped bundle of absolute LOVE and PERFECTION is safe and sound and with her “folks”. MY choice and NO regrets at all, what-so-ever. - Have had oat-meal and pills, tea at hand. - There was nothing at all in today's post... thankfully. And, even MORE joyful... that shit-box is closed... until Monday! Now, if I could get rid of the shit in the flat in the back so I wouldn't have to wonder when the next “assault” will be launched. (I suppose I really shouldn't be such a prick about it. It's not as if it/they blast music or other noises all through the day and into the mid-night. It's not as if it/they toss shit out the doors and windows. It's not as if it/they park on the back gallery getting stoned. It's intermittent, not for “too long” a time. It truly is me... my fatigue, my “ennui” with existence, in general. Yeah, I suppose I AM a prick. I wish (almost) that I had what it takes to just get through and beyond this. I've been feeling “removed”, or “floating away into some distance” from the simplicity of existing; not “living”, just “being”. “Depression”? Illness? Mental? Physical? What-ever it is... I washed the few dishes in the basin a few moments ago and caught me wondering why I bother. “The house will be in order, should I suddenly just drop dead here.” And the thoughts of the “old people” when I was younger, and how they would say “There are just some things that aren't important.” As though they'd lost interest in any and every-thing associated with “being”. I'm THERE, I wonder how long I'll linger “there”. But, right now, I'm typing this, listening to the “Old Punk” music on the radio, (right now, it's Janice Joplin... “Bobby McGhee”, which I never really liked “then”, not so keen on now, but it just serves to pull the mind “back”...) - OK. This is now 4 pages on the lap-top, there are photos to “'code in” so there's something to move along to... and backing it all up on a SeaGate. After that? What-ever comes along. (It would be a lovely day to just go out to the yard and “lounge” on a chair but... no privacy and I don't want to be away from Yonah... as she coo's beside me, out the open window. I wish I knew if she's happy. I WISH I KNEW! I can only hope. We're down to several weeks... having gone to almost 6 months together. I'd really love to be able to hold her close. She won't have it. I'd love to let her fly about the house, but I'm frightened she'll hit a wall or window and I'll NOT have her injured again... NOT this close to her return to her own environment! - I need to move on now... -
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Sun.11.Apr: 13.35! YONAH IS IN HER “NEW PLACE” ON THE *NEW SHELVING*!!!
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THE SNOW IS ACTUALLY COMPLETELY GONE ON BALD PEAK!!!
and the threat of snow on the 20th doesn't appear on the forecast. PLEASE! (I'll set the thermostat to 60F again tonight, leave Yonah's radiator off. She'll have to start adjusting to the cooler nights anyway. May as well do so in a “protected” environment where I can, for now, maintain a 60F minimum. - Now, on to what-ever... perhaps “Brush Strokes”. I've gleaned the soc.med. and have no interest in any of it. Theresa sent another e-mail but I really don't have the where-with-all to get into that. And the “sound” of a video will be of some “comfort” to Yonah... she'll know there's some-body here for her. And then... evening pills and off to bed. - Oh... “meal” was 4 eggs with the left-over black beans and salsa with ice cream after. Which reminds me: Sean (across the main) was out with his girls today, shirtless. HE'S DEVELOPED A GUT TOO! I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO US THIS WINTER! But I suspect it's primarily because of stress, related to this “pandemic” shit. Oh well... let the world do what it will. Me? I have a guitar to consider and heating oil and motor oil and an oil change and that there those sorts of personal issues... not to mention this little shit-box and a “future” in it... or not. - Moving along... - 22.23 Pondering a shower but I doubt it. I'm tired. - About an hour ago, I stepped out for a smoke and when I came back in, Yonah was coo'ing. I'd forgotten to close her door. So I went in to chat with her a bit. When I left, I closed the door and she's been quiet since. I'm still trying to see “life” with-out her, and still torn about what could happen to her and knowing that it's none of my business, really. She belongs in the wild. I wonder though, if what-ever happened to her to cause those injuries hasn't left some sort of “memory” and a fear in her. She shouldn't be here alone. I want her to find a mate. I just hope that should she, she some-how knows that cage is hers, and that I'll always do my best to see to it that she has a safe place to turn to. - Well... it's been multiple “Brush Strokes”... time to call this day “done”. Tomorrow? We'll see how it manages to attend to itself.
Mon.12.Apr: 6.38 Imagine? Up and about already, AND coffee at hand, Yonah's pool-water is fresh, and breakfast served on the back, and a bit of a smoke whilst. No, I'm not dressed... yet... and I'm thinking of going for a snooze already. The sun is rising on yon mountains... there's a “pink” to the morning... but not even a trace of a suggestion of a hint of snow any-where to be seen. 9° now, going up to 13, with “nuages” later. The house was “chilly” this morning so Yonah's window is still closed for the while. And she's in there, with the radio on, coo'ing along. 'tis “morning”. - One note though, whilst I'm here... Dreams...
• Saturday night, I was at some sort of “meeting” or “gathering”, of a group of which I was a “member” of an artists' club or the likes, in a situation similar to Tilden. We were gathered on a lawn, quite similar to Tilden, all having a lovely time, chatting about all sorts of topics (none of which I recalled when I woke), when a fellow looked at me and asked “Have you been vaccinated?” I smiled and said “No. But I'm not in a state of health where it would be any good for me. In fact, it's more likely to kill me faster than I'm already going and though I really don't want to 'live forever', I don't see any sense in pushing it any quicker, and certainly no more painful, or 'inconvenient' than it's already going.” The response of all the others wasn't violent or loud, but they ALL began moving away from me, even those who'd been sitting comfortably on chairs or the lawn. They didn't “bolt” or “run”, they just slowly, coyly, removed at slight distances at a time. I just sat there, smiling “knowingly”. None of them were “masked”, and apparently ALL of them were “carrying the vaccine” in them and I didn't want to be any closer to them than they wanted to be to me.
• Last night, I was in another gathering of people, but this one was more like a “flea market”, open air, “street market” in a some-what city, but some-what country atmosphere, many people mulling about when I passed a few people who were talking about how those who refused to “accept” the “vaccines” are a “...threat to the lives of all the rest of us!” and I became rather enraged but calmly commented “I'm SO glad I have mere months more of having to put up with all of this bull-shit and will be peacefully far-enough away from it all.” Some woman, a “Penelope” sort, shot me a glance that appeared surprised, annoyed, angry and concerned at once. I was aware that she and some of the others knew that I was in poorest health and that the rest either didn't know or that it was none of their concern because, well, we didn't know one-another and I had NO desire to get to know ANY of them. I was “annoyed” with the entire lot, particularly because of the comment “THOSE who just REFUSE to accept the vaccine are a threat to the lives of all the rest of us!” It disgusted me to see so many obviously ignorant people who were willingly carrying all sorts of genetic mutations in their bodies, knowing NOTHING about the potential results. I thought of their malformed, mangled, mutated off-spring and...
I woke out of these dreams both times. 2 for 2, nights, as it were. I was “annoyed” yesterday, thinking that this bull-shit has worked into my unconscious to the point of becoming a dream. THIS morning, I'm more annoyed, having TWO consecutive nights of it! So I wonder: the reference to “time that I have left”... is it “premonitory”? Or, is it my mind's way of “clearing” the nonsensical aspect of all of this away, considering the intense anxieties associated with going to market or even, simply, stepping out the door? Could it have anything to do with the utter ignorance of Nell at FamDoll on Friday? To think, some-one with a “PhD” could be THAT fucking, boldly, blatantly brainless... NOT TO MENTION... AT THE VERY ON-SET OF ALL THIS “PANIC”, SHE AND HUBBY JUMPED INTO THEIR CAR IN NEW JERSEY AND CAME RUNNING TO NEW RUSSIA... EVEN ALVIN HAD COMMENTED ON HIS DISCOMFORT AT THE POSSIBILITY THAT THEY, COMING FROM A MORE POPULATED AREA, COULD BRING A VIRUS UP HERE! Selfishness, in it's boldest. And yesterday, as I stood in the silence and serenity of the front porch, I thought of how it's been a year... A YEAR of changing attitudes, “orders”, “observations”... ALL simply “claims”, with NO tangible substantiation. “Masks”. “Social Distancing”. Kids kept from proper education. Others kept from proper employment. The absolute “FEAR MONGERING”, and the almost astonishing degree of acquiescence on the part of those who simply kow under it all, marching along like obedient, brainless, thoughtless, mindless toddlers on leads and leashes... and all the while, in MY mind, the under-tones of how the ACTUAL Nazis managed to take, not only ONE country, but spread... as a virus, across a continent. - Humanity disappoints me. All the bull-shit brain-washing about being the “highest” in the order of planetary inhabitants, mentally superior to all else, those given “domination over all other”... WHAT a fucking crock of festering shit! Oh well... what-ever the cause... night 2... let's hope that's the lot of it. - And this morning, I believe I'll ring the guitar shop in Williston and ask about selling this guitar and buying one I might actually play. - Other-wise on an “agenda”... I've got nothing. And if it's to be rainy, well... the only thing I ought is to get smokes at some point during the day. (Let's hope NOTHING comes into the day to change this. I'll surely find something to occupy and pass the time with-out ANY “external” assistance.) - Time for coffee. Another day... Fukkit! - 14.18 Getting “psyched” for a toddle into town... smokes... nothing else, really. I don't WANT to go but I OUGHT to go. - As for the day thus far... well... 2 loaves of “strange” bread baked. “Strange” because they're “moist”. I don't believe the oven is heating properly now. FUCK ME! They're “cooked” and they DO taste nice, being moist. But well... Hey, at least they're done! AND I took a snooze from just before 9.00 to about 10.00! On the futon... mostly “half-snooze” but for a brief while, actually went back to sleep. It was chilled in the house this morning and I've had the doors open to let in some of the warmth from out-side. - The doves have been out back for quite the while this morning too. Yonah's been most vociferous all day. But it seems the ones out-side ignore her... and me. OH... HOW I WISH I COULD LET HER OUT NOW! But Friday is to be “cool” again and, well... with the furnace off in the house now (until Friday... which means I HAVE to go look at the “oil situation”... another “NOOOOO!”), I'm hoping she'll start “adapting” to cooler temperatures. And I'm considering letting her out to fly about the house... “considering”. They CAN fly slowly... I watched one this morning, going from the walk to a tree. NOT at the “55mph”. So? So... - Gave a call to the “Guitar Centre” number this morning too. The guitar that I REALLY want is a “pre-order”... but won't “be in the ware-house” until 19... MAY! The guy wanted to “help” me “with a pre-order” and I told him I don't have the patience for the potential damages, returns, &c. He didn't argue but didn't want to hear that. So it looks like I'll be taking the trip to Williston. How-ever... “ReCycle North” is now “RE-Source” and IS OPEN and is still on Pine... but now they're over where the “construction” stuff used to be. Apparently it's all together now. As much as I really don't “cherish” a drive from Williston to BTV, not to mention just being in VT at all, it MIGHT be well worth the “look”. And there's one in Williston... where “Goodwill” used to be! Not far from the guitar store. All stores are open at 10.00 so if I could get my shit together early in the morning, and on the road, it wouldn't be another “all day” affair. I could make it so that I'm AT the guitar store WHEN they open (or shortly there-after). There, I could even go to Dick's to see about a cot to put into Yonah's room (though that probably isn't a “necessity” at this point in time... if she were to be staying for the long-term, I certainly WOULD get the cot to stay in there with her... I admit: I “need” her company). But I COULD go to the Christmas Tree store to check on readers? Especially since my eyes are so fucked-up. Yes, there are things I could do... even Home Depot (for a sheet of ply wood... or 2... one for Yonah's shelves, on the back, and one for a roof on the cellar shed... though I have little-to-no interest in that since, well, Alden is responsible for that repair, he might actually invest in making it proper and... I don't give a shit about this place anyway, any longer). Things to be considered. - And I SCRUBBED AND BLEACHED the wood frame on the kitchen window and washed the bottles on the shelf this morning as well. OK. None of it is “amazing”, but at least I didn't sit here on-line with my fingers up my nose all day. - Right now... I want a snooze again... 20-30 minutes. Then? On the road for the quick run to the FamDoll. - Not sure what to have for meal tonight. I have 3 tins of salmon... or at least 2. There's ice cream. A few PopTarts for later. It's not that I have nothing. And there's soup as well. And bread. - It's terrible.. the truck is there, with almost a tank of gas. There's money in the account. It's not as though I have to WALK again. It's just that I don't want to leave Yonah (first and foremost), and that I absolutely dread being out... amongst people. (Oh yeah, and in Williston, there's Walmarde... oil for the truck.) - Time for a snooze... I'm exhausted... mostly from just “thinking”. Ah... to stop that. Perhaps one day... soon... at which point, my brain will probably be rotted and I'll be drooling in my lap. - 18.37 Meal is done. Washing-up is done. The pool water has been changed for Yonah, fresh paper under her fresh food. (I'll have to change the water again in the morning, but it's a pleasure... really.) - And as for the day, I did manage another 30-minute snooze (I justify them by the restless sleep of late... anything... any “justification” will do... to be sure). - Made a run into FamDoll for loo roll (which I seem to be going through quite rapidly... mostly due to the cheap quality but... “butt”, as it were) and smokes and another “mahogany-cedar” candle because of the “chill” in the air. When I got back into the truck the “battery” light was on... I have no idea why, but it was fine when I got back in. The oil pressure still makes the truck “bounce”. I'll get the new oil tomorrow... since I'm currently planning on going to Williston in the morning... I want to be on the 9.30 ferry!!! So that means being out of this house by about 8.00!!! Let's see how that works out. I'm a touch annoyed with me about the guitar because I'll probably be lucky to get 50$ on the other one, if anything. I just don't want to go back to “Bob”. He's in a little store, was very kind, probably needs the income to keep the little store going. Hey! I won't be around much longer and it's money I didn't “plan” on, really. And there's still money in the savings. So? So... We'll get by. - Meal was angel hair with salmon. Fish. Salmon. Quite healthy. Ice cream. And now I'm having first hot water. Soon, next hot water and night pills, probably a quick shower and to bed! HOPEFULLY to SLEEP THROUGH... RESTED! AND... it would be lovely to be able to wake by about 5.00 (HAH! indeed!) tomorrow morning. We shall see. - It's not really “cold” out there tonight, but I DID put Yonah's radiator back on. It went to 18° in there today and she was “fluffed”. So, I see NO excuse for her being even slightly chilled when it's not necessary. I can put extra clothes on in the house... she only has her feathers. And my SOLE RESPONSIBILITY is to HER! (And tomorrow, I can go to PetCo in Williston and see what else I might be able to get for her... either in the house or out-side! YAY!) - So for now, as she calls, as she does in the evenings, in a few minutes, I'll go in and get her comfy for the night. (I wanted to run the fresh water through the tubing for a while... to clean the line. Tomorrow morning, I'll put fresh water in.)
TOMORROW IS YONAH'S * 6-MONTH * ANNIVERSARY IN THE HOUSE! WE MADE IT THROUGH THE WINTER... TOGETHER!!! And I keep thinking of that shit-bag, Eric: “Put her in a box and make her as comfortable as you can for how-ever long...” HEY BABE! MY HEART AND SOUL IS STILL COO'ING... EVEN AS I TYPE! WOOHOO! AND I LOVE HER... MORE THAN I CAN EXPRESS!!!
On with the “wind-down” of the night and prep for bed! Another day... passed.
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6.38 and she's coo'ing. Her curtains are open, radio on, fresh water in her pool, fresh paper under her food... and I LOVE HER MORE, IF THAT'S POSSIBLE, THAN EVER... BUT THAT LOVE INCREASES DAILY... NO, BY THE MOMENT! IN FACT, INDEED, SHE ACTUALLY IS MY EXISTENCE! SHE'S MY BLESSING, MY LIGHT, MY HONOUR AND PRIVILEGE. To think, each day, that she's still with me, in good health, and comfortable enough to coo, in the morning, through the day... AND, WHEN I WALK INTO THE ROOM, SHE COMES ACROSS HER PERCH TO BE CLOSER TO ME, AS IF WELCOMING ME INTO “HER” SPACE, “HER” ROOM, “HER HOME” HERE! AND THAT SHE TRUSTS ME IN CLOSE PROXIMITY. Some-how, she KNOWS I mean her no harm. Still, I look forward to seeing her take flight, into the great, almost endless space of this “wilderness”, out to where-ever she wants to go, to be, and with her flock, with a mate, friends, the other doves. That's where she ought to be. Yes, I'll wonder and worry, hoping that she remains safe, protected, comfortable, having all that she needs for her happiness, un-harmed. But keeping her in this cage, in this room, in this house, is all un-fair, contrary to her nature. Still... there's really no way to express my gratitude to her and FOR her. These 6 months have been nothing less than astonishment, each and every day. And should these days be my “last”, there is NOTHING more wonderful, in the truest sense of the word, to have experienced. I've read that, in the wild, doves average 1,5 years... well... she's had 6 months of protection, warmth, good food, fresh water, protection against every and anything that could cause her harm, injury... I've read that, in “captivity”, doves have been known to live 20, 30 years. May this 6 months here give her a long, healthy, productive life. And IF there's ANY sort of “truth” to the superstitions and dreams of some sort of “existence” after this one that we call “life”, I hope she and I can find each-other “there”, knowing each-other, and be able to “chat” about her time here. And should she have children, may she pass along her knowledge and experience, knowing how to avoid what-ever danger that caused her to be here, and that not all “humans” are hateful, heartless, evil. And may her children know that my heart belongs to them... as it belongs to their mother.
Yes, I did get out of bed with the 5.00 alarm this morning. Lights went out at 22.00 last night. TWO loo-trips, at 23.00 and again at 1.20 (a “usual”). But no “contractions”, thankfully. And I was almost half-awake when the 5.00 alarm sounded, and I hit the “snooze” for 5 minutes. I wanted to stay in bed, but thought “Get up and give it a try.” And so, up, coffee on, got dressed, put “breakfast” on the back walk even before the sky had a chance to show the beginnings of a new day. - And now, the sun covers the distant mountains with a golden light and the rest of the world starts moving about... and in the next room, the coo'ing of a morning calls. - I'm getting that “morning slump” now, the “snooze-time down”. But I'm up and about and going through the usual “anxieties” of travel. Been to the loo. Last evening's fish-and-pasta are making their way through and, well... hopefully they'll “rest” fr a few hours IF I actually make it out the door. 8.30 would be a good time... for the 9.30 ferry. But even the 10.30 ferry would be fine. I don't want to be gone for the entire day again. It's supposed to be “clement” weather and I'd like to be able to open the window, if possible, for Yonah, today. I'd like to be with her today. And I think about being able to get to “PetCo” to see if there's anything there that I could bring back for her, to give her some sort of happiness. - I can't help but think of the future if she can't or doesn't take to her freedom. A thought: a large “kennel” instead of a cage. She'll get that room, that space at the window, much larger space. And maybe, eventually, I might be able to “find a companion” for her of some sort or another. Meanwhile, I focus on her “home on the back gallery”. - Now... to get on with coffee, another “loo visit” and making sure the house is secure for her for the time I'm away... should I actually make the trip. - Ah... another day... another set of “anxieties”... another and another and... still... I'm SO BLESSED with the calls of a dove. WHO could possibly even THINK about the possibilities of ANY-thing “better”? - 9.00 Well... primarily because my “system” has been “flushing” this morning, I went for a “15-minute snooze” and laying, comfortably, on the futon, decided to go for the 10.30 ferry instead. The “rest” did me little good but, here I am. I've moved the truck to the back door and when I started it, it “rumbled” as it does. That “concerns” me. We'll see how it goes en route to the ferry. Meanwhile, I checked the price of the guitar I have... any-where between 113 and 150. AND, it's listed at the “Guitar Centre” but “Out of Stock”, so there's a chance they might want one. We shall see. - AND, of course, I'm sitting here, body shaking with anxieties, VERY similar to those of Friday before going to Plattsburgh. But I've worked-out the route to get to Williston with-out having to sit in Shelburne... I KNOW those roads! It's quite strange, “comforting”, disturbing... the whole notion of going “back there” is “disturbing”. But I truly need to stop this nonsense. I just dread “break-downs”. And then I think of child-hood... Sackette Lake rd., Dingle Daisy... Smallwood... dead Winter, dead night, in vehicles that were in much worse condition. We did alright then. I see no reason why we can't do alright now. - Then too, there's the “pee'ing” and my eyes. Wow... I've gotten OLD... O.L.D.... Oh well... I'm off. Time to get rolling. The sooner I leave, the sooner I return... to Yonah... and the serenity of “home with her”. - Here we go... (again).
OTHER THAN THE TAIL-PIPE DANGLING ON THE BACK OF THE TRUCK... IT WAS, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, A SUCCESSFUL (BUT HORRIFICALLY LATE-AGAIN) DAY!!!
And right now... I'm EXHAUSTED! BUT... TO THE PARITCULARS...
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At the end of the “Ferry Rd”, a left onto the 7 to
a right onto the “Marsett Rd.” just before the “museum”.
As Vermont roads go, that becomes, with-out any turns, the “Falls Rd.”
which then becomes “Irish Hill”. (Ah... Vermont. And to think I'm used to all of that, indeed.)
At “Dorset St.”, another left and kept on that until
“Kennedy Dr.”, just before the airport area... and along Kennedy to
“Kimball Av.” which becomes “Marshall Av.” which, at Tafts Corners, crosses the “2A”
and directly into the parking area for the likes of “The Christmas Tree Shop” and Dick's Sporting!
MADE IT! HOW-EVER... UPON ARRIVAL, I HAD TO PEE SO EXTREMELY THAT I PULLED THE TRUCK INTO AN EMPTY PARKING AREA “ROUND THE BACK”, PULLED-OUT THE “BOTTLE” AND, IN THE TRUCK, HAD A PEE! THANKFULLY! WHAT A RELIEF! - Done... I found a “civil” parking space and headed to find the “Guitar Centre... couldn't find it so asked a charming, “masked” woman and come to find out, I was just round the corner from it. Ah... So, back into the truck to park closer. NOW-THEN... IN THE GUITAR CENTRE STORE...I explained what I'd come for and asked about buying equipment. The young, “masked” gal seemed almost lethargic but told me that yes, they DO buy and then directed me to the “Acoustic Guitar” room where... well... of course... they had a measly selection and NEITHER of the ones I wanted! THE ONE I DID WANT... is the one that won't “be in the warehouse until May 19th”. The ALTERNATIVE? “Not in stock”! OH JUST FUCK THESE PEOPLE! BUT... I was NOT going to leave there with the guitar I had and didn't want so... after a bit of schmoozing... I got my “alternate”... SOLD THE OTHER GUITAR FOR 60$ AND GOT A 10% DISCOUNT ON THE NEW ONE AND... IT'S SHIPPING TO THE HOUSE “in 3-5 business days”!!! FREE! WELL! IT TOOK FOR-EVER!!! but, as we chatted and the young lady put my 60$ onto t a”Gift Card” then applied the “Gift Card” to the bill and all the rest... I learned that she's 23 years of age and just as fed-up with all this “CONTROL” bull-shit around the alleged “Covid” shit! Imagine THAT! A young “Conservative”... “Vermonter”! We had the greatest talk and she warmed-up to me and I walked out with a receipt and the anticipation of receiving a new guitar either by Friday or Tuesday-next! WOOHOO! As for the cost? Well... the break-down, for the sake of record, is as follows:
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Sold that for: 60
Paid Guitar Centre: 95,53 for a 159 guitar (144 after discount)
So the TOTAL OUT-OF-POCKET FOR THE GUITAR: 193,10 which is STILL considerably LESS than what I'd expected to have to shell-out since so many guitars are 300-400 AND there are “nice” guitars in that store for... 1500, 1800 and MORE! Now... I just need to HOPE this one arrives in perfect condition. (Though I'm told it'll come UPS so... AND, I have 45 days in which to return it AND they can arrange for pick-up, as with that “hot plate” ordeal. So? So... we wait and see. - OK! I was fine-with-all and happy when I departed the guitar store and headed DIRECTLY to “PetSmart” where, to my delight, I got a YUGE bag of “hulled sun-flower seeds” and a bag of “fruits and veggies” for... YONAH!!! THAT thrilled me quite a lot. (I knew then, I'd have to use the mortar and pestle that I'd gotten specifically for Yonah anyway, to grind the sun-flower seeds down a bit because they're “chips and hearts” and too large for her...). NEXT... Walmarde where I DID get the oil for the truck (7 quarts... 5W30 because THAT'S what the manual says the truck should have) and some “face creams”... my usual Neutrogena and some Nivea... and off I toddled to... (LORD HELP ME)... Gardeners' Supply to check on the wheel for the cart. - THAT WAS, to be polite... A WRECK! There was an almost-emaciated young “male”, black hair pulled into a “man-bun”, wearing a mask... with eye-brows DRAWN ON! IF THAT THING FLITTED ONLY BUT A BIT MORE, IT'D'VE BEEN BLOWN OUT THE DOORS ON A BREEZE! WELL... NO, of course they didn't have the fucking wheel... but a gal phone the “BTV” store and THEY claimed to have it. I was NOT in ANY mood by then, to go driving INTO BTV!!! (And, as it turns out, good that I didn't.) I headed back home with one stop at the Mobil station on Kennedy/Williston Rd to fill the tank with 89 octane (at 20$) and then... followed the same route back to... THE FERRY!!! I was quite fine with the accomplishments but NOT with the time! I had to get the 15.00 ferry back! I wanted to be HOME... WITH YONAH BY THEN! (I really would have LOVED to have spent the entire day with her... but, getting that extra food was a delight... I've wanted her to get sun-flower seeds into her diet and the fruits as well... I just hope they don't upset her little tummy. Time will tell...) The ONLY “issue” I had with the ferry was the idiot broad in the kiosk asking me to wear... a BLOODY MASK! Out in the open... at the lake... brilliant day... nice breeze... FUKTARD! So I just said “I can't wear one.” and she let it go... “My friend.” as she called me. (As I drove away I said “I am NOT your friend.”... out of ear-shot, of course.) - And so... the drive back home... A lovely late-after-noon untilll... JUST OUT-SIDE OF WADHAMS I STARTED TO HEAR A “CLANKING” FROM THE BACK OF THE TRUCK! At first, I thought it was the “carabiners” in the back but when it became annoying, I pulled-off to check... THE BRACET/CLAMP/BRACE TO HOLD THE EXHAUST PIPE UP IS BUSTED! THE EXHAUST PIPE WAS BANGING ON THE ROAD! NOT CONSTANTLY BUT EVERY LITTLE BUMP! So I drove EVER-SO carefully ALL the rest of the way home thinking: tomorrow... instead of an oil change at Richie's... Well? There goes the money I wanted to spend. And so... there we have it. But, I made it home, to the drive and indeed... tomorrow morning I'll “wire it up” (HOW RED-NECK) and give Richie a call. The part shouldn't be more than about 20... and with labour? Well... we shall see. I JUST HOPE THE ENTIRE EXHAUST DOESN'T HAVE TO BE REPLACED! L SHIT! - MADE IT HOME AT 16.00 AND WAS OBVIOUSLY MISSED DURING THE DAY! HONESTLY, YONAH BOUNCES ABOUT WHEN I COME IT AFTER BEING OUT FOR A WHILE! People keep saying that she's not going to leave me... I wonder... I IMMEDIATELY WENT IN TO SEE HER, OPEN HER WINDOW, CHAT A BIT AND THEN... GOT RIGHT TO GRINDING SUN-FLOWER SEEDS AND MIXING A BATCH OF FRESH FOOD WITH HER NEW GOODIES IN... AND FRESH DRINKING WATER! SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY DELIGHTED THAT I WAS BACK! And then, I got my meal (more pasta and salmon which, by the way, “flushed” me this morning), had that and then, took lap-top into her room, and sat at the table... “doing the books”. At 19.30, she let me know that it was time for “nigh-night” so I closed her window and curtains, put up the “block”, plugged-in her radiator (not that it's supposed to be particularly cold tonight but ... there's no reason she should be anything less than “toasty”... Besides, Friday's “high” is expected to be only 5!) and she settled-in for the night. - I couldn't reconcile the “digital” with the “book” so I took all to the kitchen where I only JUST managed to figure it all out when I started this. And now? At 21.28... I'm having 3rd hot water... I took 2 Cs and a D when I got in... then another 2 Cs with meal... then another 2 Cs with a naproxen at about 20.15 so I'm “packed” with the Cs this evening. I didn't have any dessert after meal, just did the washing-up right away and went to spend time with YONAH!!! So... I'll catch another episode of “Brush Strokes”... have the last PopTarts. I need to get to market tomorrow (hopefully) after Richie... I'll wire the pipe, roll up to see Richie (and cry, no doubt), stop at market, maybe FamDoll and that's that for that... Tomorrow... A DAY WITH YONAH!!! (And it's supposed to be over-cast or... “mostly sunny” anyway.) - I AM EXHASUTED! And I'm taking a shower before bed too! - Oh... Shitboi's been in this evening. At about 19.30 it was doing something on the back gallery and since, it's been so calm! Charming! (Of course, there's always 22.30... when the re-bangs usually take place. Hopefully not tonight. I'm really not in the mood.) - And there we have it! Aside from the regret of not having spent the entire day with Yonah... it was FINE, indeed! - 22.29 Brush Strokes, ice cream... now... SHOWER and to BED! WHAT a day. Eh?
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Thu.15.Apr: 7.25 Lavage in the basin on the soak. I'm dressed. Coffee at hand. Yonah's pool has been refreshed. And this lap-top key-board is fucking about. I actually got 8 hours of “sleep” last night with one break, almost mid-point at about 2.00 this morning! Yes, lights out by about 22.00 last night, up at, I believe, 1.58 due to foot contractions and a loo-trip. But when I went back to bed... went right into sleep until the 6.00 alarm this morning (and Yonah's call) which I “snoozed” for 5 minutes and then stayed in bed until the 6.30 and got up and went to the kettle. - It's raining, lightly. A dark morning. Thankfully not “cold”... yet. But a check of the météo shows a string of *0°* nights coming next week! This shit ain't over yet! FUCK! Thought, last night, before bed: I still have cookie dough in the fridge that MUST be baked SOON. There's a roast of beef in the freezer that I can cook, slowly, through a day (pot roast). There's something “warming” to do. Other-wise... it's going to be a bit of a “chill” coming. Oh well... LAST year, it was a LOT of chill through most of the season. At least THIS Winter, we weren't all that cold in the house. And the “cold” isn't for much longer (one can hope). - And “health-check”... feeling rather like SHIT, this morning. Heavy-chested, light-headed, breathing is a bit of an effort. Easily annoyed by quite a lot. The usual anxieties, annoyances, aggravations... (THE BLOODY-FUCKING RENT CHEQUE HASN'T BEEN PRESENTED YET!!! I MEAN... ONE MAKES SURE TO POST IN TIME FOR RECEIPT BY THE FIRST OF THE MONTH AND FOR WHAT? “NORMAL” PEOPLE WOULD GRAB AND GO AND CASH OR DEPOSIT! NOT THIS LOT! IT MIGHT ALMOST BE WORTH THE WASTED CHEQUE TO SEND ONE IN LATE... JUST HOLD UNTIL A CALL OR SOMETHING COMES ALONG, JUST TO SEE WHAT THE RESULTS WOULD BE. AFTER ALL... “RENT DUE ON THE FIRST WITH A 5-DAY 'GRACE'” AND IT'S NOW TEN FUCKING DAYS AFTER THE 5-DAY... I WONDER IF SHITBOI GETS HIS RENT IN ON TIME. - I WONDER IF IT PAYS ANY AT ALL ANY WAY... BEING SO OTHER-WISE 'PRIVILEGED'.) See? Easily annoyed, this morning. - Well, I'll find something to pass the day... preferably with Yonah. (Nice day to have a guitar, but this morning's check is... it's still sitting in KS... right where it was last night... “Easily annoyed”.) - Oh well... there's a touch of lavage waiting and Yonah is up and about and we're together here. Rain through the day is expected and the only thing, other than lavage, that I can think of is a trip to get the veggies for the “pot roast”. (One must have a potato in there AND and onion.) So there and here we have it. (And this is already 8 pages on the lap-top... there's a code and transfer to do too... See? “Things”... to pass a day. Eh?) - 21.12 I'M LATE! Got caught-up in soc.med... and had to respond to a post from “Alex”... in Florida. (I'm going to include a screen-cap.) Sent him, via “DM”, a photo of Yonah to explain a post of mine (which I should grab a shot of ... tomorrow). - But MOST IMPORTANT... SPENT THE WHOLE DAY WITH YONAH!!! Had an hour snooze from 9-10.00 this morning and then... checked the post (nothing), had mid-day pills and am transcribing the NY account to the book and... SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY WITH YONAH!!! NOW THAT'S A PERFECT DAY! NO MATTER WHAT!!! - It was considerably warmer in her room than in the rest of the house, but right after meal, I put the other radiator on between the kitchen and living-room and though set at “4/6”, it doesn't make the place “shorts'n'flip-flops” it DOES make a bit of a more comfortable difference. SO.. there we have it. Of course, Yonah's still got her own and the door closed mostly to keep the warmth in there. (It reached 24° in there today with both of us in there!) I KNOW it won't be enough when the temperatures drop to 0° for a few nights running again, but at night, I'll put the thermostat to 60°... just in case. During the day, I have enough to keep me in with Yonah and together, we'll stay comfy in her room. - It rained all day today, so the place isn't just “chilly”, it's damp too. - I've taken the beef out of the freezer and tomorrow I'll run for onion and potato for a pot roast. There's 2 “rolls” of cookie dough in the fridge so I'll bake them up... cooking to add heat to the house. Sunday and Monday are supposed to be better during the day... but then... at least a week of back-down-to-normal (chilly and cold). Oh well... I survived last year. I'll do just fine this year. - Now... I've just take tonight's pills with hot water. Will watch a bit of “Brush Strokes” while they “go down” and then off to bed! THANKFULLY, it was a calm day. I'm hoping the same for the night... with the trash next door. - 22.29 2 episodes of “Brush Strokes” and a check of tomorrow's weather... Possible * * * * * SNOW * * * * * AND A CHILL OF... BLOODY-MINUS-FUCKING-ONE! - And shitboi's in for the night... on cue... bump bang bump thud. - I'm off to bed now. Had my smoke, water, pills... done. Until 1.20-something when the bladder calls and the feet contract.
Fri.16.Apr:
Sat.17.Apr:
16.51 Since Yonah's been here, I've made little “kissing clicks” with my l lips... SHE'S MAKING THE CLICKS BACK!!!
9.00 Imagine that! And AMAZINGLY... I SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT, UNTIL 5.30 THIS MORNING, LIGHT'S OUT AT 23.00! GOT OUT OF THE BED AT 7.30 TOO! (Oddly, I've felt quite well this morning until just a moment ago when nausea set it, but...) - And I'm having coffee, had a smoke and a half, freshened Yonah's house, clean water in the pool, fresh food... - Last night, before heading to bed, “up-dated the virus scan” and ran the “full” over-night. Did the “Off-line” scan this morning. (The key-board still fucks-up though.) Oh, and breakfast was served on the back walk almost first thing... and the doves have been by already. - AND... I RAN THE FURNACE FOR A BIT TOO... 65F, just to take the chill and DAMP out of the house. - Yes, another grey morning, this, with traces of snow here and quite obvious snow on the mountains. Even that “Bald” spot is white again... sadly. BUT, the météo claims 3° with 1° “chill”. Still, too bloody cold for my liking. Yonah's days are just being postponed. Though, she doesn't really appear to mind much. And she's safe, warm, protected from the cold, wet and such. So we have more time together, as of this morning. This “snap” is suppose to go away, again, during the week. Most sadly, it's to return with a “Winter vengeance” the following week. Well, it ain't July... it ain't even JUNE... yet. One of these days... I'll “hold”. - And a check on the status of the guitar: at 6.14 this morning, it was in Plattsburgh. Of course, I don't expect it to be here today... they couldn't possibly put it on the truck THIS morning... I'll keep a look for Corey this evening but I'm not expecting. - Today? I'm off to Yonah's room to transcribe the TN svgs and loan. Things to pass a day. I have to grin when I think of “them”, rummaging through the “remains” of my existence, and seeing all the book-keeping. (Not that some already know of my “obsessive” traits... though here, in New Russia... other than the flowers and maintenance of the property, I'm sure they all think me just “strange”... fukkem... fukkemall.) But hey, at least it shows “responsibility”... for all the good that does any of us, considering, moments after we're dead, and the “inconveniences” of “disposing of remains, body and house” are finished, so too is any and all trace of our ever even having been born. Especially me, here. Ah... it makes no difference to me at all. At least I won't have to participate in the “clean-up”. And Alden can re-rent to what New Russia has come to accept: more trash. - So there's the thoughts of a morning. Now... on with the rest of the day. I've got cookies to bake today as well... a little more heat to the house. - (This key-board bull-shit is fucking with my mood! FUCK! Seriously! 1600$ for a piece of shit!) - 16.35 TN EP IS TRANSCRIBED! AND ANOTHER DAY PASSED WITH YONAH! (And a 30-minute snooze too.) - The precipitation stopped (rain, snow, other). There's still noticeable snow on the mountains. The temperature out there is only SLIGHTLY “better”. The temperature in the house is only “SLIGHTLY” better... but then, I baked ALL of the cookie dough that was in the fridge. About 4,5 doz. now. They still taste of baking soda but they'll “do”. (I'm out of PopTarts for the evenings so...) AND... “meal” is on the next “30-minute timing” in the toaster-oven... chicken and left-over rice... and there's ANOTHER meal in the fridge (same shit, different day). - Yonah and I have had “impressive” chats during the day too. (It's almost heart-breaking though: when I leave the room... she calls. I swear she enjoys the company... even if it is just me. PRECIOUS little LOVE! I HOPE that, when she's out again, she IMMEDIATELY finds a flock who will LOVE her and whom SHE will LOVE as well. If not? Well... I'm “in it for the long run”... we'll be “a couple” until...) - And UPS REFUSES to expound on the “Plattsburgh” location of the guitar! So I have the “PO-side” curtains pulled back and I keep checking the front door. I won't stop checking until... probably when I go to take a shower tonight, which I really ought to do, especially since I ought to go into town tomorrow morning for “onion and potato” for the roast beef... and other items. Monday morning, the truck goes into Richie for... any length of time. So? So. - Mean-while, 22,9° in Yonah's room. Almost time for meal. Another day has gone by and...
16.51 Since Yonah's been here, I've made little “kissing clicks” with my l lips... SHE'S MAKING THE CLICKS BACK!!! AND SHE'S MIMICKING THE NUMBER OF CLICKS TOO! WE COO BACK AND FORTH AND NOW THIS!!! BY GOD! HOW CAN A HEART BE EMPTY WITH THIS LOVE? WHY ME? HOW ME? AND NOW, AS I SIT HERE TYPING, SHE'S COO'ING... WE'RE CHATTING! C'MON... THIS MAKES MY CONCEPTION, BIRTH, SURVIVAL THROUGH ALL HELL ALL WORTH EVERY MOMENT OF IT. “A little place in the Adirondacks”... AND YONAH!
OH! NYSEG! The bill came today... THANKFULLY... IT'S PAID ALREADY! - And now... the “'ding”... Meal is heated. I have to leave Yonah for a while. But there's lighter skies... out there. - 20.58 In from last smoke and, unfortunately, so too are the cattle next door. I heard them come in AND, as I stood on the FRONT porch, aside from the fact that they don't know how top properly close their FRONT door, they don't know how to close a SCREEN DOOR! NOT to mention, which I DO, the fact that ONE CAN ACTUALLY HEAR THEM STOMPING ON THEIR FLOOR... ON THE FRONT PORCH OF THE HOUSE! Well... so much for the “calm” I was hoping for. Oh well. I was a beautiful day though, and so, I'm grateful for that much. - Checked... UPS no longer delivers on week-ends so the guitar won't be here until Monday. Oh well. - BUT, Yonah and I sat and chatted, literally, she to me, I to her, for almost 45 minutes this evening before she got settled for the night! It amazes me how she comes to her perch, right at the little door, looks me straight in the face and COO's aloud! And when I coo back, she picks right up. I'm just awe-struck. To know that this little LIFE, this BEAUTIFUL, MAGNIFICENT little LIFE, has come to trust me, to communicate with me, and allows me to communicate with her... not to mention that she obviously feels secure in my company. Maybe I'm really NOT as horrid as I've always thought me to be. - Well... time for that shower tonight. Hot water, pills, cookies (which are tasting a touch better now and are still soft) had. 2 episodes of “Brush Strokes” and on to SE04E01 next. And tomorrow... a QUICK QUICK QUICK trip into town... EARLY in the morning. I want to spend another day with my LOVE.
Sun.18.Apr: 6.54 and... coffee's made, pills taken, pool freshened, smoke had, Yonah's curtains opened, radio on, kicked the furnace for a notch, breakfast-on-the-back-walk served... and Yonah is serenading the grey but not COLD morning. And I did it again... slept through the night! Lights out at 23.23. (or, as it read on the clock “11.23”) and woke once, for no apparent reason, at 4.56, noted the hour and went back to sleep until about 6.15 to the “call of the morning” (or... “call of the 'mourning'). And here I am, with first actual coffee at hand... ready to go right back to bed! Feeling? The “usual”... discomforts here and there and there, and some there as well. But, up and mobile, “waiting for God”, as it were, and ready to battle against St. Peter for another day. Waiting for the stores to open, dreading the trip. - Had a good shower before bed last night so I'm ready to roll. - Another day in “Pleasant Valley” (Sundayayayay... eh?) - Let's see what's to come today. (I want to include “new trees” for Yonah. May the weather co-operate and this old body as well.) - 7.34 Morning net-check... cloudy with droozles today but no miserably-cold until Wednesday! - Key-board fucking about again this morning. So? On with the day! - 11.50 AS THE SHITS REETURN TO SLAMMING DODORS AFTER A CALM MORNING... BLOODY FILTH!) DONE! FamDoll, Aubuchon's, market! Ingredients for the pot roast, including 2 tins of cheap beer, smokes, back-yard bird meals, potting soil and groceries of immediate need! The truck make the trip, though “bouncy” into town, but quietly, thankfully, with the tail-pipe still wired-up. AND... AS I TYPE... SUN SHINING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW ONTO YONAH!!! I'm sitting in her room now... where I intend to spend the rest of the day. I'm working on a “portrait” to turn into some sort of “e-stationery”.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE IN HER FEATHERS FROM SINCE THE PHOTO OF 20201231_152923! THOUGH THE WHITE TAIL FEATHERS NO LONGER SHOW AS MUCH, WHICH I BELIEVE IS A “GOOD” SIGN... AND PERHAPS DUE TO AGING, THE GENERAL CONDITION OF HER FEATHERS HAS BECOME “SOFTER”, “SMOOTHER”, AND THICKER. SHE'S LOOKING *VERY* WELL, INDEED! THAT, AND HER “CHATTING” WITH ME, EATING AND DRINKING WHEN I'M IN THE ROOM * AND... THE WAY SHE COMES TO THE FRONT OF HER PERCH WHEN I COME INTO THE ROOM *... MY HEART IS FULL, COMPLETE, JOYFUL... AND I STILL WONDER HOW IT IS THAT *I* WAS GIVEN THIS OPPORTUNITY TO HELP HER, AND TO HAVE HER IN MY LIFE WHERE, WELL, OTHER-WISE, I DOUBT, SERIOUSLY, THAT I WOULD HAVE SURVIVED THROUGH THIS WINTER. AH... SHE'S MY *** MIRACLE *** IN SO MANY WAYS.
And having that new shelving proves an asset. I can move her across the table she's on so as to give her more time in the sun-shine! Today, it doesn't do much for warmth, and it's a shame it's filtred through screen and glass, but (she's noshing as I type) at least it's light... and not from an electric bulb. We're good... “It's all good.” (as Donna's Tony would say). - And now? I've “reconciled” accounts... to the penny, both digital and paper... WOOHOO! And I'm going back to the stationery image. As for transcribing, I've got the TN Loan and CIBC left. (Oh... the “some-things” to “occupy” the days of taking breath.) Pot roast? Perhaps tomorrow. It needs HOURS to cook and right now, I'd rather not get into it. (I even bought celery to add! THAT requires a LOT of cooking!) So... on with the day! Oh... look... time, already, for mid-day pills... MUST stay “healthy”... I've got my little LOVE here! - 14.35 RAINING AGAIN! And the house is cold. 23,3° here, in Yonah's room though and THAT'S important. I'm saddened by the rain. For a brief moment, sun shone in on Yonah and we were both quite happy. But, here we are, radio playing and quiet, thankfully. Even the filth next-door has calmed-down. - I've just finished a graphic for “stationery” and embedded it into a “document” which works quite well. (Now, if I can get this shit-board/key-board to work properly.) - Anyway, I need a tiny shut-eye so I'm off to the futon where it's really quite “cool”... the house being cold and damp. But... I'll be under the sleeping-bag... and looking forward to getting back in to be with Yonah! - 19.34 TN LOAN BOOK IS COMPL - 19.48 The key-board REALLY FUCKED-UP THIS TIME! Earlier, I gave it a TOUGH HOOVERING, (right after meal) and didn't try it again until just now. THE KEYS STILL AREN'T WORKING PROPERLY! OF COURSE... THE “C', “D” AND “E” KEYS... YOU KNOW... LIKE CAN'T USE '.COM' OR COMMUNITY LOG-IN! NEVER MIND A “COPY”! (I JUST PICKED THE WHOLE DAMEND THING UP AND GAVE IT A TWIST AS IT WAS FUCKING-UP AND NOW IT APPEARS TO BE FINE! AND TO THINK I'VE BEEN MOVING IT TO YONAH'S ROOM AND BACK AGAIN ON THE “LAP BOARD” SO AS NOT TO TWIST IT! I'M GLAD I PUT THAT HORRIBLE POST ON TWITTER TO DELL... NOW, I'LL PUT IT ON OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA. OH, ALSO PUT A HORRIFIC “REVIEW” OF DELL ON TRUSTPILOT. NOTHING WILL COME OF IT, OF COURSE, BUT IT'S GOOD TO “GO PUBLIC”.) - ANYWAY... whilst it's working... Yes, the Loan Book is complete tonight. I used a calculator on the ATT phone and WOW... did THAT thing ever fuck my figures! JEEZUS! So thankfully, the old “Samsung” works and all is well now. But “technology”... I wouldn't invite it to suck shit from my colon... not to mention... the Chinese. - OK. So... Yonah is “tucked-in” for the night. We did have a day together but it went by SO quickly. It rained most of the day and so was damp and chilly. Poor little one.
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***** NOTING HERE: I HAD TO GO DOWN TO THE CELLAR THIS EVENING AS MEAL WAS COOKING!
THE STENCH OF *** OIL *** IN YONAH'S ROOM WAS ALMOST HORRIFIC!
IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE LEAKING FROM THE FURNACE OR TANK DOWN-STAIRS.
AND THERE'S NO “EXTRA-ORDINARY ODOUR DOWN THERE. IT'S JUST DAMP, AS USUAL.
BUT THE STENCH IS OBVIOUS, NOTICEABLE IN HER ROOM!
SO FROM NOW ON, I'M MAKING SURE TO LEAVE HER DOOR OPEN ENOUGH FOR AIR
TO CIRCULATE OUT OF THERE. I CAN'T WAIT TO OPEN THE WINDOW AGAIN!
I KEEP THINKING OF HOW IT WOULD HAVE BEEN, HAD I USED THAT ROOM FOR THE BED-ROOM!
THE NOISE FROM NEXT-DOOR! NOW THE STENCH OF OIL FROM THE CELLAR!
I *SO* HOPE THAT YONAH FINDS A FLOCK WHEN SHE'S BACK OUT AGAIN AND WILL BE HAPPY WITH THEM!
THEN *ME*? WELL, I'M STOPPING THIS “REGIMEN” ANYWAY... SO...
BUT I'D LIKE, RATHER MUCH, TO KICK ALDEN'S BALLS UP INTO HIS SKULL, WITH ALL THE BULL-SHIT I'VE HAD TO TOLERATE. ONLY GOD KNOWS WHAT'S COMING NEXT... AND I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THE FILTH NEXT DOOR WILL BE LEAVING ANY TIME SOON... FUCKING LIARS, THIS LOT. IT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING BACK IN VERMONT... AND I SHALL MAKE A POINT OF SAYING SO WHEN-EVER POSSIBLE.
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Now, time for 2nd hot water. The house is calm (until...) and “comfortable”. The few moments of sun-shine (at sun-set, of course), gave a bit of a reprieve to the place. Thankfully, 2/0° tonight... high of 15° tomorrow (with rain of course), but -1/-6° on Wednesday night (I just had to twist this fucking lap-top again!). “Time”... for some, it rolls too quickly, for others, too slowly. For me, it's both, simultaneously... - Time to REALLY fuck things up and do a little “Internet”... THAT ought to REALLY TOAST THIS PIECE OF SHIT LAP-TOP! -22.02 Teeth, no shower... bed. Truck goes into “Uncle Richie” in the morning and I'll be getting a “toddle” back... Not to mention... more entries into the “Ledger”... I dread that. - Guitar's due tomorrow evening too. I dread that as well. I anticipate a box-full of disaster... from the “reviews” seen on TrustPilot. Oh well... off to bed. (I cold use a drink!)
Mon.19.Apr:
***** YONAH WAS OUT IN THE HOUSE TODAY... FLEW TO THE KITCHEN & I CARRIED HER BACK! *****
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After mid-days, I DID get out and down the road to the woods and DID get the new, fresh “trees” for Yonah! And when I got back with them, I decided it was a perfect opportunity to give the tubing a thorough cleansing in the kitchen basin AND to change the paper in her cage. To that end... I opened the door to her cage and “went to work”, taking out the old, dry white pine branches, and her pool. Brought the pool to the kitchen basin and set it up so that I could run constant fresh water into the dish that would be pumped out into the other basin whilst I attended the rest of the “house-keeping” (removing the paper, and such). WELL... all was going as it usually does, with Yonah sitting on her little “corner shelf” when, as I was in the kitchen, finishing the “pool cleaning” I heard that “familiar” sound of wings... I turned to see
***** ***** ***** Yonah FLYING ABOUT IN HER ROOM!!! I didn't panic and walked SLOWLY into the room. She alighted on the top of her shelving and was staring out the window! Perfectly fine, save for an obvious quick breathing. PRECIOUS LITTLE ONE! SHE TOOK FLIGHT AND DIDN'T HIT WALLS NOR WINDOWS!!! When I went over to talk with her about her “flight”, she was, as I say, breathing heavily and a bit rapidly BUT SHE DIDN'T FLY AWAY! SHE JUST PERCHED, RIGHT THERE, WHERE SHE WAS, AS IF ALL WAS PERFECTLY WELL AND FINE! So I chatted with her a bit longer, checking for any “damages” and when I saw none, I just went on with cleaning her cage, clipping and taping and installing her new “trees” and laying new paper. Then, I went and got her pool, all cleaned and brought that back in, put it into the cage and started the set-up. Left the room to go to the kitchen to get the fresh pool-water and when I went back into the room, SHE TOOK OFF, GOT TO THE CLOSED WINDOW, STOOD THERE FOR A MOMENT (probably trying to figure out why she couldn't get out and across the road) AND THEN... *THEN* HEADED OUT AND INTO THE KITCHEN! PERFECTLY! THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR, WITH-OUT HITTING ANYTHING! Knowing better than to make any sudden moves, I went to the door-way of her room and looked out to see where she'd gone and THERE SHE WAS... AT THE KITCHEN SINK! JUST PERFECTLY FINE AND WONDERFUL! JUST STANDING THERE AT THE EDGE! So I finished putting the fresh water into her pool and got her fresh food into the dish and went back to the kitchen to check on her. She didn't try to fly away from me, wasn't breathing heavily... she was perfectly fine and rather content! But I wasn't sure how to get her back to her cage so she could eat, so I tried to offer her a little branch that I'd had from previous attempts at perches. Nope... she wasn't having it. So I put my left hand in front of her... she didn't flinch... right had behind... again, no movement and so... I PICKED HER UP IN MY HANDS, HELD HER CLOSE TO MY FACE, WHIPSERED “I LOVE YOU” AND SHE WAS AS CALM AS COULD BE AS I CARRIED HER BACK “HOME”. When I got her back to the door of her cage, she flew in and to her little corner shelf where, after a moment or two, she began preening! It was as if her “event” was just so common-place! So I got her fresh drinking water, put her food where it always is and took a moment to “chat” with her. SHE ACTUALLY RESPONDS TO A WHISPERED “I LOVE YOU”, CLOSING HER EYES AS IF RELIEVED AND RE-ASSURED! EVERY night, before I go to bed, I put the lights out in the house and peak into her room, and in the darkness, I always wish her a good night, restful sleep AND I MAKE SURE TO WHISPER “I LOVE YOU”. SHE MUST HEAR ME AND NOW RECOGNISES THE SOUND OF THAT! PRECIOUS, MOST PRECIOUS LITTLE LOVE!!! SO there she was, after her adventure in the house and out of her cage and all was perfectly well!!! She did a little more preening and settled-down to “snooze” ***** ***** ***** and just then...
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SO... YONAH'S HOUSE GOT CLEANED... FRESH GREENERY... AND SHE HAD A FLIGHT! AND THE QUITAR ARRIVED! Meanwhile... when the Hoovering was done, I went back to check on Yonah... all was fine AND SHE'D EATEN! I WAS SO RELIEVED!!! SO... I sat to have my meal as well. - After meal, and washing-up... I opened the guitar. It was “interestingly” and well packed, though it seemed MUCH lighter in weight than I'd expected. I DO rather like it, even though the “finish” is, as they described, “natural matte”. There's no shellac or lacquer on it, but the colours and the grains are really quite perfect. I plucked and picked a bit and the neck is PERFECT! The ONLY trouble I'm finding with it is keeping it tuned! But, being nylon strings, I remember that there's a period where the strings have to be “stretched” a bit before they actually hold a tuning. It's annoying but... I've managed to find the chords to “Night Train”, “I Can't Stop These Tears From Falling”... Cigarettes After Sex and “The Turtle Dove” song that Theresa sent... and I've given them all a run-through. I'll have to “learn” them, and work with the guitar a bit, but, after almost 30 years... I HAVE A GUITAR AGAIN... AND I DO QUITE LIKE THIS ONE!!! - OK... So, meal was done, the news was done... and at about 19.15, Yonah was “done” as well... it was time to settle for the night. I went in, we had our “chat” as I closed her curtains and turned her radiator on. I'd had the doors open today, for a while, because it was pleasant, but the usual evening chill was coming along and tonight isn't supposed to get “cold” but still... especially after her “adventure”, I don't want Yonah being at all in the least bit chilly. So, radiator on, I bade her a good night and left, closing her door a bit, as I usually do to keep her heat in her room... that's when I got the guitar and found the chords and lyrics and such. - And now? At 21.10... I've just had my evening pills and am having second hot water. Both Shits are in next door, not making “too much” of a “do”, thankfully. The house is settled. I ran the furnace a brief moment, to take a chill out. And now, as I wait for the pills to settle, I'll watch a bit of “Brush Strokes” and have a shower and off to bed! - *** WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!!! *** - 22.42 The house is calm. 2 episodes of “Brush Strokes”. 3rd hot water. Sent some photos from today to Theresa via e-mail. One last smoke and off to the shower and to bed! Tomorrow... perhaps a trip for river-sand. I have to move the cedar ivies to yoghurt containers... time with YONAH! - WEDNESDAY'S HIGH... 2°! WEDNESDAY NIGHT... BLOODY-MINUS-FUCKING-2! Pot Roast on the cook for Wednesday it is! - *** WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY!!! ***
Tue.20.Apr: YONAH TOOK A BATH TODAY!!! And now she has the larger “pool”.
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NOTICE: I WAS OUT FRONT HAVING A SMOKE AT ONE POINT AND SHITBOI COMES ROLLING ROUND THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE, TURNS ONTO THE HILL, STOPS THE CAR AND YELLS OUT THE WINDOW “11 MORE DAYS, BUD.” THEY'RE LEAVING AT MAY! “YOU'LL PROBABLY HEAR A LOT OF MOVING.” I replied “Congratulations. Going South?” “Yeah... Saratoga Springs.” he replied and off he went. “Bud”. Fucking disrespectful shit. Anyway, I'm relived to know THEY're leaving. If he'd let HER go, I wouldn't mind him staying, but THEM, together, has been too much! I'm annoyed about the “hearing the moving”. I moved in and Joan never knew it. I've ALWAYS moved in AND out and people never heard a sound. But then, I was raised to be a “human being”... on BOTH sides of the calamity some would call “family”. AND... I now begin the anxiety of wondering WHAT IN FUX NAME SORT OF SHIT ALDEN WILL BE PUTTING IN THERE. NO doubt, the first thing that comes along with rent money and/or some “insider”. That “friend of Nancy's”... and THAT, I expect, to be some sort of wood-land slut or, at least, a fucking-drunk. Anyway, as of today, the rent cheque for April hasn't been presented to payment. And I wonder if Alden will come to see the premises and if he'll offer that “job” of “cleaning” the place again. Either way... MY ONLY CONCERN IS YONAH... as far as this place is concerned, I've no intention of keeping my opinion about a “neighbour” quiet. I HAD TO BE APPROVED BY JOAN. I'LL BE EXPECTING AND DEMANDING THE SAME RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION! We shall see... Truth is, one way or another, I don't see me here next Winter any-way. But I'll be DAMNED if I'll spend my last weeks in Hell... AGAIN! Been there. Been through that. Done that. WILL NOT BEEN NOR DONE IT AGAIN!
Oh, there was the trial and such on that poor cop in Minnesota today. The jury found him “guilty” of charges of 2nd and 3rd degree murder and 2nd degree manslaughter. Well of course they did. The cop is White... the drug-riddled, counterfeiting so-called “victim” was Black. But the media is all hailing the decision as “fair” and “just”. I want to vomit. But that's how the world is gone these days. I watched during meal (I'd made “mini pizzas”: 2 slices of bread, a light schmear of cream cheese, ketchup, salsa, olive oil, grated cheese... warmed the left-over quarter-slice of last night's pizza... “meal”) and didn't really pay much attention after the verdict was read. Then, cut “tele” completely and spent time with Yonah. - Tonight, I was chatting with her when she got to her perch and after a few “comments” from her, she started to close her eyes. It was 19.30... time for sleep! So she's now “tucked-in” for the night. (Hopefully the Shits will be, at the very least, “CIVIL” through the night (and hopefully won't be “moving” at all hours of evenings and nights). But is was SO CUTE... It she was tired, it was time, she left me know. WHAT A BLESSING she is! Truly. - I was going to cut the veggies for tomorrow's pot roast (which will be prepped and on the heat in the morning... since it's supposed to be a “high” of 2°). Tonight it's
nuit 8h à 6h 1°C
Ciel variable avec averses de neige fondante en soirée, neige au cours de la nuit. P.D.P. 80%. 1-3 cm de neige.
Mercredi 6h à 18h 2°C
Nuageux avec neige au cours de l’après-midi. P.D.P. 80%. 15 - 20 cm de neige.
Thursday morning: -2/-8! And SNOW... Wednesday and Thursday! Well? It still ain't even May yet. AND, hopefully, the quarter tank of oil will help take an immediate chill out of the house... the radiators are running and there are tea-lights for that “warmer” in the living-room. It's gonna be a “chill” but... at the very least, Yonah's room will remain warmed and warm! (If need, I'll “camp” on her floor!) - Well, “on schedule”, 20.28 and Shitboi returns... boom-boom. (I wonder if Mrs. Shit is with...) and other-wise, the house is quiet. I'm through 2nd hot water and it's time for pills! (Just taken.) - Played a bit on the guitar today too. Trouble with keeping a couple of strings tuned. But... we'll see what happens over time. - I want to get to be WELL BEFORE 23.00 tonight. I've a quick run to town on the agenda... VERY QUICK... and POT ROAST!!! And I don't want another day of feeling I've been dropped at “Death's Door”. - Shitboi is stirring... there's NO telling WHAT the fuck that thing finds to bang about in that hovel! - 22.06 and it's off to last smoke and to bed... and about 48 hours of MINUSES in the forecast with SNOW beginning in an hour and lasting through until... I don't mind the snow... but the minuses... well... here we go! (And even if I were to call for oil... it wouldn't be here before Tuesday and by then... the cold will be... well... Here we go!)
Wed.21.Apr: (POT ROAST *AND* A CHAT WITH EV *AND * A LITTLE “VISITOR”)
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APRIL'S RENT CHEQUE JUST GOT PRESENTED FOR PAYMENT!!!
And now... I've had mid-day pills with yoghurt and am now heading to a day with YONAH! - 14.29 Up from a 30-minute half-snooze (there's never enough rest for the weary). The POT ROAST is still on the hob, simmering. I used ALL of the onion and celery, most of the potatoes. Seared the roast in olive oil (which, upon recent “taste”, has given it a bitter “bite”, sadly), whilst cutting the veggies. Added veggies and then both cans of beer. It filled the pot almost completely. Started on “5” to bring it all to the boil and now, it's been simmering at 1,5. Not bad! Surely, it uses MUCH less electric than if I'd used the stove... I can only hope. We shall see if it's edible tonight. - This morning, I was out the door by about 9.45 and off to FamDoll where I got “loose-leaf” paper for a little binder in which I shall re-do a “song book” for the guitar. Though, the lines are “wide” and I don't much like that, but I'll see what I can salvage of it. Got 2 packs of smokes and they no longer have that “plastic liner” that I used for Yonah's cage. Or, I may have gotten it at Walmarde, in which case, there's another trip in the future. But no particular rush on that, considering today's weather... INDEED... IT'S BEEN SNOWING ALL DAY! AND THERE'S AN ACCUMULATION! Not terrible though. The snow has changed to VERY wet and then back to snow, melting it and accumulating and melting and accumulating. The temperature is about 2° now, but tonight, I'm going to have to put the thermostat at 60F I'm afraid. And now, the house temperature is down to about 19° (though here, in Yonah's room, where we are, it's 23° and that's GOOD). The radiators and the hob aren't doing much in the way of keeping the house warm. Oh well and alas. I really don't believe I believed they would. Well? It's going to be TIGHT, where oil is concerned. And if I try for 100 gallons with next Soc.Sec. I'm already in the red for next month's budget. Ah... “Life”. - Speaking of which... I tried to get in touch with Ev a little while ago (13.30-ish). The answering machine at Glendale has Beth's voice saying “... leave a message”. Her mobile is just Lois, with just her name. And when I tried CT, “Skype” just said the number was “unavailable”. I checked the NY Times obits. She's not listed for the past 30 days. So now I wonder. - Meanwhile... this morning, Anne was at the cashe... she saw me queue and came running. It's always a delight to be able to chat with her. I think she sees how “rushed” I am when I get into the store. And so, she gives me those “tickets” for the “game” and when I got home, after making the pot roast... “celery”... 30¢ off! I'd JUST used the 2,99$ celery! Oh well. Life and timing. - So the day has rolled past, as usual, faster than I could keep track of. Nothing in today's post. That's good. The rent cheque has presented today... TODAY!!! and the account balances to the penny on digital and the book. And May's rent is already accounted for. The “savings” is safe. There's a bit more in the chequing in both accounts. All's as well as it could possibly be. (I could, if I needed, use the savings for oil, but I'd truly really rather not. Not at this time. If I can hold for another 2 weeks, we'll be rolling into the “lower-cost” season and then I'll re-consider. THANKFULLY, this year, I only have to worry about the inspection on the truck. Registration is next year. Of course, I can only hope the exhaust system holds out to pass... HOPE!) - Now? I'm going to code and put this Journal on the servers with the photos of recent. Tea at hand. Yonah having a snooze. Radio playing low. And the house is calm... for the while. (And with little-to-provocation, I could either go back to bed or to the futon until I have to eat... and then go back to sleep. It's one of “those” days. And I'm disappointed and concerned that I can't get in touch with Ev. Ah but, one of these days... it's as Theresa once said “The only way we'll be notified is when we dial the number and there's no answer. Of course, I have HER as a “notify” on the fridge... I believe I have Ev on that list as well. Still... I'm sure THEY don't have ME on “their list”... if either of them have a list. My “notifies” are so distant... save Donna and Dorothy, and even THEY are “distant”. Truth is: I'm dead, nobody gives a shit... nothing changes... I cease to exist... not that I ever have existed... to be sure. - 18.16 And there's NO evidence of meal, nor the cooking... even the washing-up is complete and the house is as it usually is... HOW DEPRESSING! COOKED FOR 6 HOURS... sat to eat at 17.02... by 17.40, meal was done, washing-up was done... had ice cream until about 18.00 which is when EVERYTHING was all back in order and, as I say, NO EVIDENCE that there was even a meal... cooked, served or eaten. BUT... although it could have used just the tiniest touch more salt... THE POT ROAST AND NOODLES WAS A COMPLETE, MAGNIFICENT SUCCESS!!! WOO-HOO! AND THERE ARE 2 MORE DINNERS LEFT-OVER! I AM QUITE PROUD OF ME! But precious little says “You're alone” better than sitting to a rather impressive and lovely meal and 40 minutes later, all signs and indications of said meal have disappeared. I can recall when a dinner... a “dinner” of pot roast would be a “full-table” affair, taking at least an hour to eat, then being in Oma's kitchen, in particular, everybody talking whilst the washing-up was being done. Then... sitting to “coffee and dessert”, more dishes, and retiring to the living-room for a bit of tele or conversation. Now? None of that. The meal was prepared and the washing-up was done with-in about an hour... The roast cooked for the 6 hours (during which the rest of the day happened). Then, at about 16.30, the noodles went on the hob... by 17.02 I was seated at table and ... done. And now, here I sit, with Yonah (who appears to be quite HAPPY that I'm here) and the entire house is as if the entire day never happened. Oh well... so it is. - Now then... I'm not sure what time it was, but I was sitting with Yonah, working on the codings when I heard the front screen door slam! So, I got up to check and there, on the front porch, was a young fellow... he wanted to use the phone! No car, just him. Said he wanted to call his sister who was supposed to be coming to get him. OK. I know... in a “normal” world, I should have said “I'll call” and left him on the porch but, this not being “normal” by any stretch of the imagination, I asked him for the number he needed, got the mobile, connected (WITH A LOT OF TROUBLE) to Skype and dialed the number and passed the phone. Yep, his sister said she was en route... from Moriah. So, rather than leave the little fellow standing out in the snow, I invited him him to sit on the futon. And he came in, with thanks. IT TOOK AN ETERNITY FOR THE SISTER TO ARRIVE AND HE BECAME SO RESTLESS. But we chatted for the while until...
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A MOST “TELLING LITTLE EPISODE” AS WELL... “Mr. NELL” ROLLED-UP, PULLED IN FRONT OF THE PO, GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND FETCHED THE MAIL FROM THE BOX... NOT EVEN SO MUCH AS AN “ACKNOWLEDGEMENT” OF MY PRESENCE. NOW THAT THERE IS... “CLASS”... QUITE LOW AND, AS I SAY, “MOST TELLING”. GOOD. WELL, AT LEAST IT'S “KNOWN”.
I can't WAIT until this gets round the old place. But I keep remembering how Alden told of how, some years ago, “Nobody in New Russia spoke with anybody else in New Russia.” Claims he, it was the water-lines that brought them all together. Yeah? Well, looks like I'm carrying on an “old tradition”. And... I couldn't be happier. Hey, Nell chose to make distance. I'm just being civil and respectful of her wishes. (Of ALL people... but then again, I remember that evening at Tavern on the Green or where-ever it was, with Ms. Marcia Whom-What-So-Ever, “starring”, as it were, in “Chicago” and how she gave me the cold shoulder at a reception. When I mentioned it to Bradshaw, he said it was because I didn't coddle and faun over her. “She's a STAR!” said he, “and you're supposed to be impressed.” I never was “taken” by all that then and I certainly am not “taken” by anything that thing on the corner of the bridge might portray. Oh, THIS ought to be *Such Fun* when Alden comes to town. Fukkem! - Meanwhile, this house is holding the “aroma” of the pot roast. It's the cumin. I wonder what the little feller from Moriah thought whilst he was here. (I wonder if it didn't get into his clothes... it tends to.) - Oh well... another day. - Thankfully, the house is holding at about 68F tonight. It's gone quite cool out there tonight and to be getting quite a bit colder by about 5.00. I'm not putting the furnace up. Yonah's room will be nice and toasty and I've got the little radiator out here as well. No need to “tempt” the furnace just yet. I'll pull the chill in the morning, need be. - But now... off to teeth and then to bed. No sense showering. - Oh, and THANKFULLY, the house remained quiet tonight. May that be the “norm” through the “departure” (though I doubt it will). - Rent goes out on Monday (Sunday night in the box). It's comforting to know it's already in the account. But this “end of month” shit where cashing the cheque is concerned is a bit annoying. Oh well... as Richie said, I do what *I* have to... getting the rent in on time. What happens after that is none of my business (I just have to make certain the cheques are covered). Again... Fukkem... Fukkemall. - Good-night. It was an “interesting” sort of day.
Thu.22.Apr: 7.29 -6/-10 and the flocons are drifting in the air. And I? I wanted SO much just to stay in bed this morning. But “the call” came after both alarms got “cancelled” and so, at about 7.30 or 7.45, I was UP and ROLLING! Kettle on, breakfast on the walk, made the coffee, got busy changing the water in Yonah's pool and drinking water, opened another brick of coffee for the coming week(s?), put the furnace up just to where it started to run (there was a definite “chill” in the house this morning... obviously). When the pool was freshened, got dressed, had a half-smoke on the front porch and... here I am, here we are, here it is and “feeling” this morning? Not “great”. Not too bad though, just a slight to the negative from “normal” (as what is “normal” these days). A slight “painful” in the upper regions of the torso, but, doable. As for last night, lights out by 23.00, but “sleep” wouldn't just come along. Pillow between the knees. Didn't help all too much. There weren't any actual “contractions”, but there was a lingering sensation of on-set. Twice to the loo during the night. And all the while, that “lingering sensation of on-set”. Not sure when I actually fell asleep, but this morning, I lay in bed, ever-so comfy, wanting so much to just be there and go to sleep. Alas... there were curtains to open, chats to be had and a little bit of LOVE and HEAVEN to greet. And she's been coo'ing most of the time. She's had her “breakfast”, I'm having my coffee. And the flocons are falling, the sky, mostly over-cast, but “morning” is obvious, and a quick check of the forecast had a day of 23° to come! The terra-cotta is lit this morning though. And where this day leads will be known... when this day comes to a close. Thankfully, the house is calm and quiet and I'm just slightly aggravated by that little dim-wit yesterday who admitted to having seen the sign for the PO and claimed it was “a little confusing”. Between that one and Mr. Nell... honestly... as I think: “I find them (the Nells) rude and ignorant, and having no tolerance for either, have no place for them in my other-wise banal and mundane existence.” Pompous git that I might be considered. And there's the morning thoughts. Hey, at least the key-board is working (for the moment). - Plans? Get the photos and this text coded and onto the servers today. Other than that? What will be will have been when it has been. - (There's a decided “sharpness” to the little bit of shooting pains in the right side of the some-what upper area, in the chest round the arm-pit and shoulder... oh, indeed, we DO “know” what that means. But, no choice in the matter... must to hold on, hold in, hold out for several more weeks. Ms. LOVE will NOT be put out into the cold! I have a most solemn vow to keep... AND KEEP IT, I SHALL!) -
| One more “item”: last night and again this morning, the thought that I was conceived in a 'fit”, never “intended”, and that's why 2 people who really didn't even particularly “like” each-other, married and perpetuated their ignorance. “I thought I'd married an intelligent woman!”? Fuck you, liar (as he did). “Married” had nothing to do with it. You weren't had no intention of becoming. And THAT explains the cancellation of the engagement to Dominic and the screwed opportunity with “Herr Dr. Hoffman”. YOU were an idiot, HE was a damned fool and you BOTH proved your general inferiority by “marrying” AND shoving THREE MORE lives into your psychoses. Selfish bits of filth. BUT, the bottom line of fact is: *I* am at NO fault. In fact, *I* have absolutely NO part in ANY of it other than my “existence”. And this morning, these years later, I recall hearing “You have NO right to the family name!” Yeah? Why? Because YOU ruined the bulk of YOUR life by careening into the church, just in time to make certain that YOUR fucking life wasn't obliterated, annihilated, marked and scarred for eternity by giving birth to a bastard? Oh really... neither of you were actually of any good... Granted, your bull-shitterie gave me the strengths that I had along the way, the course of my own existence so that I survived... but today, as I sit here, I realise that the efforts and attempts to eliminate MY existence weren't one-sided... I WAS FIGHTING BOTH OF YOU, each in your own manner. Sadly, for BOTH of you, I've managed to survive long enough to, as I do this morning, “document” the “Truth”. Didn't have any “right” to the “family name”? Ah... missie, the fact of the matter is: If a “family name” is of any import at all... YOU LOSE! I was conceived under that “family name”... You did what you needed to do to make sure NOBODY EVER found out. Ah-HAH! NOW... if EVER ANYBODY EVER READS ANY OF THIS... NOW, THEY ALL KNOW! On “father's” side, it won't make any difference because, as has been said even of recent years, there's no telling how many OTHERS of “us” there are out there... how many siblings we don't know about, have never met and never will are wander about out there. On “mother's” side, well darlings, that “Empire” crumbled a while ago... here's just one more kick of ye olde cinders, a little more grave dust in the breeze. “Fate” HAS been kind... when this hits the servers I might just open it all up and I do NOT wish “God” to “have mercy on your souls”. I don't “hate”, I can't be bothered. I really, honestly, truthfully (terms you're all so unfamiliar with) can't be bollocksed. |
21.48 IT'S BEEN COMPLETELY QUIET ALL FUCKING DAY AND *NOW*... ***NOW*** AT ALMOST 10PM, THE BANGING BULL-SHIT BEGINS NEXT DOOR!!! NOW!!! OK! SHIT WILL HIT THE FUCKING FAN AT THE FIRST OPPORTUNITY! AND I FUCKING BLOODY HOPE “THE FUCKING LANDLORD” SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR! TO THINK I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO ANOTHER WEEK OF THIS SHIT IS ENOUGH TO PUSH IT OVER THE EDGE!!! IT'S *SO* LIKE BEING BACK IN THE FUCKING SHELTER! AND I INTEND TO LET THAT BE KNOWN. FUCK.!!!
Meanwhile, again, I was pondering a shower before bed but (a) I'm really just too damned tired, (b) there really is no need, (c) this shit just put me off the idea. And to think, I've been SO damned content for most of the day, having spent time with Yonah, managing to get her photos on-line and this journal. And tonight, “dinner” was really quite wonderful... I mean... BEEF... pot roast with noodles. And it occurred to me that I set the table when I have my evening meal. It's “normal”... sitting at a set table to eat... and this evening, as last, a civil fare! Yes, I was delighted with things. And tonight is supposed to be the end of this recent cold snap. There's a “23” Wednesday. And the “negatives” are only one, at night at some point. News was good. (This key-board however is still fucked.) Well, I need to NOT allow the filth next door to ruin it. Perhaps a quick shower and to bed. Tomorrow... well, it'll take care of itself, I've no doubt. And I still need to work on Yonah's “blog/portfolio” of photos. So? So... there we have it.
Fri.23.Apr: 6.42 Yes... 6.42. Lights went out at about mid-night, the horrors of “contractions” didn't wait long... I had to get up only once through the night, to the loo, but “comfort” never came. And the loo trip came when I woke me up YELLING at some sort of “intruders”, 3 of them, who'd come into the room, in the dark. I HOPE I wasn't yelling aloud! It was a dream, of course. Three oddly-dressed “beings” or “people of a sort” stood at the bed-room door, they'd come into the house to cause mischief or something of the kind and I, in the bed, woke to find them there. As I yelled “GET OUT!!!”, one of them pointed at me, shaking finger and head as if to say “No. No. Don't Yell. Don't do that.” But I yelled, several times and woke me up. And it was off to the loo. Got back into the bed, put the new back brace on (ever so tight) and, after a while, loosened it and finally went to what I've come to think of as “sleep”. Just after the “6.00” alarm, which is about 5.45 or so, I turned it off, hoping to get back to a “snooze” when “the morning call” came and... I got up, put the kettle on and got to changing the water in Yonah's pool, the towelling under it, fresh food, drinking water, serving breakfast out back, as the flock of doves had begun to arrive, made coffee, got dressed, kicked the furnace just to remove a slight chill (it isn't all too cold in here this morning), emptied the “old” stuff from the towelling into the grass out back, have had a smoke on the front porch as the sun touches the mountain-tops and Mr. and Mrs. Mayor Buttnose departed, South-bound on the main. And here we are... feeling a “sharp stone” in the right chest, a bit of pain in the right arm and another day commences... And, though there was no follow-up to last night bang-a-lang at 21.48, the filth appears to be at it again, already, this morning, hopefully getting prepped to get the fuck out of here and away for the day. (I'm NOT in the “best” mood this morning... though not in the worst... just a touch tired, fatigued, and these morning pains just set things a touch “off” anyway... I do NOT appreciate being reminded.) - Now? I'm going to get to creating an e-mail for Yonah so that I can get the WP record for her. A “priorité du jour” as it were, so that I can give a web address to others. Let's see how far that goes; shall we? (Let's see if I manage to make it through another day.) Other than that... there isn't anything on the agenda so... what the day becomes is what the day will have been when the day is done. - 19.50 And another day comes to a close. The sun is setting o'er yonder mountains which, in the warmth of the day (and the chill of the winds), are now, again, snowless! HOORAY! (Of course, it ain't June yet so...) The sun did manage to shine through the day, and Yonah and I spent the majority of it together as I re-worked yet another version of her “Photo Journal”. This time, the “manual slide” now presents the photos with a “double, white” border (very nice, clean, especially with...) on a glorious back-ground of a sun-set across the road... with a “textile” texture. In fact, I only JUST finished putting the links on, so that each photo will open in a new “tab”, full-size! Now, I have to see HOW I can manage to get her her own “URL”. I'm not pleased with the WP version after making modifications on it. The “theme” is for “cooking”, a restaurant, and just the thought of it as I worked made me ill. But it's not quite working well at all at present. So... And, there's “CSS” involved with the slide presentation and WP doesn't allow that. Well? If worse comes to worst, I may have to go “Tumblr”. But, at least Yonah has a “gmx” e-mail account now so there's that much to work with. (I might even get her a “gmail” account and a phone number to go with... if I can figure a way to fudge that about. Imagine... another phone number... “Yonah bat Shalom”. There she is, my precious little heart-beat.) - And that was that for the day. Imagine? And nothing (again) in today's post, which I'm not complaining about. My major concern, the rent, has cleared. THAT is THE most important of all. - As I say, it was “fair” weather today and I've turned the furnace back off and the radiator in the living-room as well. I might leave the radiator off tonight as it's going to be about 3° and up to 10 tomorrow. It's a touch “chilly” in the rest of the house but the most important and only considered room in the house, Yonah's, has the radiator going and is quite warm, indeed. So, there's nothing more I need think about. - As for tonight... well... it was about 19.00 when the beasts next door came into their stall and commenced with the usual “BOOM-THUMP”! I SO FEAR this is going to be a Hellish week-end... AND WEEK-COMING! THIS is SUPPOSED to be their last week here and I've NO doubt they'll make the worst of it with “packing” and bull-shit-fuckerie. - I wonder if/when Alden will be rolling into town. He said he was considering this month. I look forward to SEEING him and chatting (but... BUT... I'm betting he WON'T be too awfully congenial. I've NO doubt that “word” has made it to Mass. that I haven't participated in the “vax” and with Alden being such a complete lunatic over this mockery-fuckerie, SURELY, he'll dodge and avoid ME, at ALL costs.) We shall see. But I WILL make it perfectly clear that I WILL NOT TOLERATE bull-shit next door! He's had almost TWO YEARS of rent-in-hand on the 1st of the month, a tenant who attends the property and the building. If he wants filth and trash in here, as has been the case in this house and, from what he's told, others he has... well then... let New Russia be turned back to filth. (My ONLY concern is Yonah, and if she leaves, I've nothing holding me here any longer... one way or the other.) - OK. I need to not dwell on that. It would be nice though, if “the fucking landlord” would bring a WORKING lawn mower... like the one he took almost 2 years ago, to have repaired, and never brought it back. I mean, sure, I'll mow... but I'm NOT putting 3-400$ on MY money into this shit! If he wants to exchange rent for mower, fine. Other-wise, HELL-TO-THE-FUCK-HELL NO! I've made THAT mistake before... (5225... which is why I don't sleep now, these nights). It AIN'T happenin' again! - Again... I need to stop dwelling on that... but at least it's out of my mind, off my other-wise over-burdened chest and on this here little document to be put onto a server where it will become globally available. - OK... and tonight... SHOWER! AND I have to re-fill a LARGE tooth, upper-right! The old filling came out with dinner this evening... which was... again... pot roast, AND there's another meal in the fridge! All I have to do is make the noodles (which I did tonight but ate them all... and, sadly, the plate was piled-high, I sat to eat at about 17.05 and by 17.25 the table was cleared... I NEED to STOP eating so quickly). - Tomorrow? Nothing on the agenda but making sure to spend time with Yonah. Hopefully we'll have the windows open. And I'll try to see if she can get in and out of the cage via the smaller door. I'd rather she use that one out-side to keep larger predators away. Hopefully, she'll understand the door AND the way to get back in to eat AND NOT bang into anything harmful. She gets one “blood feather” in her left wing that grows rather oddly and when she removes it, well, there's a bit of dried blood on her perch. It probably bothers me more than it bothers her but I'd rather it didn't happen at all. I'll have to look it up (as if there's any information of help on-line). - Now... 20.11 and time for night pills and prepping to get to shower, fill the tooth and off to bed! Another day... another day... (and I hear the heavy hoof-trodding next door, I'll be glad to see THEM go... and be in Hell with anxieties over WHAT in FUX name, that Mass-hole puts in there next). Always some-thing. (Seriously, I keep comparing this place to the Shelter, lately. It IS so very similar: wondering what sorts of chaos will unfurl at sun-down, how long it'll last, and WHAT will come to fill a vacancy next! It actually is just about EXACTLY the same as being in the Shelter... I thought I'd get away from that! Nope. Then again, with “Madame 5199” slamming about in the wood-stove late at night, in the middle of the night, before sun-light in the morning... and at 5225, the screaming from the room across the hall from the mid-night “trists”... Alas... 'tis true: I AM UNIQUE WITH A UNIQUE OVER-ABUNDANCE OF CIVILITY. YEP... TRUE, THAT.) - 22.25 Right then... last season of “Brush Strokes” now... and MUCH later than I'd hoped to be off to the shower. But... last smoke and brush teeth, fill, bathe... bed! - Would have been nice to be able to have a Robax tonight as well but I don't dare... with the filth next door. I have to be able to wake and such... in case. Well... off we go. -1° at 5.00 tomorrow morning... then... hopefully... 10° and sun during the day. OH... AND I'M WORKING THE WP BIT and it's not half bad! Something to work with Yonah tomorrow! WOOHOO! (I'd like to get some river sand as well... Hopefully the river isn't too high, with all the extra snow melt.)
Sat.24.Apr: 11.30 OK. The sun has finally reached Yonah's window and I've finally gotten to join her this morning. - Last night... it was quiet, thankfully, through, and I managed to sleep through it, though, I didn't really get to “lights out” until 23.30 and had a bit of a time falling to sleep. Ah... then came 5.30 this morning... and “the call”. Ever-so reluctantly, I got up, intending to only open the curtains for Yonah and then returning to the comfy of the bed until the “7.00 alarm” (which, this morning, I noticed, sounds at 6.53 on the bed-room clock). For reason(s) I still don't understand (though, I do), when I got to Yonah, opened the curtains, I decided there and then to change the water in her “pool”. I had NO intention of doing any-thing more but... being in the kitchen, almost mechanically, the kettle went on and I got to rinsing the “pool” getting fresh water and, well, coffee into the press. By the time the pool was freshened and running, I'd made the coffee, taken my morning pills, put “breakfast” out on the back walk and... the day was rolling. I DID, how-ever, manage to get back into bed and just lay there, thinking about things I can't recall at the moment, until that “7.00 alarm” sounded. Well, I got up, got dressed, poured more coffee, had a quick smoke on the front porch in the over-cast, breezy-but-not-cold morning. Because I'd discovered the way to change images and text and the likes on the WP site last night, after checking e-mails and a trip to the loo (I think I'm back to being a touch constipated again), I got right into it and, although I'VE PUT ALL THE PHOTOS OF YONAH ONTO THE WP SERVER THIS MORNING and have begun the “modifications to the WP site, there's still work to be done there but... being in Yonah's room, it will have to wait... - Truth now: 11.40, I'm going for a quick snooze on the futon. The house is chilly. Météo claims it's about 11° out there but the wind is cold and this house is “chilled”. But I'm running down quickly... and the PO is about to close, almost time for “mid-days” and once that happens... the day is shot to shit. - Meanwhile, I'm light in the head, HEAVY IN THE CHEST. I have to wonder if the chest-pains aren't some sort of damage to the stomach. What I hacked-up this morning has been clear-white and not too awfully bad. No trouble with breathing. Yeah... the vit.C and “pills” (not to mention the naproxen) are, more than likely, taking a toll. - But Yonah is “basking” now, eyes closed, enjoying the light and warmth of the sun pouring in on her. Time for a quick “snooze”! - 22.28 SO far, so good, so calm, so quiet. (Of course, the fucking key-board is fucking about though but...) - The day went along brilliantly, had the doors open, spent time with Yonah. Got on the “Minds” and Theresa commented... she's been back on, and there were quite a few comments and such, after all the time I've been gone. Isn't that lovely? (Snark) - BUT THE VERY BESTEST OF ALL... I'VE FINALLY GOTTEN THE CODING FOR... “PAGE FADES” AND “REFRESH” AND... NOW I CAN MAKE THAT “CAROUSEL” EFFECT FOR YONAH'S PHOTOS! NOT ON THE WP, SADLY, BECAUSE ALL THAT CODING WILL BE PARSED RIGHT OUT ON THAT. I'M THINKING OF A “DOMAIN”... BUT I'M SO EXICITED... EVEN THOUGH IT'S CODING ALMOST 300 PAGES, ONE FOR EACH PHOTO. BUT I'VE GOT THE CODING FOR THE EFFECTS AT LONG LAST! AND I CAN DO THE PAGES... IN YONAH'S ROOM... WITH YONAH! - There's more I'd like to type tonight, but right now, I'm just too tired. I'm always tired... too tired... and my chest's been “off” most of the day. Partly because of waiting for the CRASHING next door and mostly because I believe all these vitamins are taking a toll on the stomach. Oh well... - Tomorrow's supposed to be “OK”, temperature-wise but Sunday and Monday nights are back down toward freezing. Damn! Yonah seems to be anxious to get out. - I'll miss her excruciatingly, but I want to see her FREE again. (I'll be giving up the “vitamin regime”... maybe switching-out to vodka.) Oh well... for now, time to worry about sleep... let's see how it works out. At least the house isn't freezing... and of course, Yonah's radiator is still on... there's NO reason she should have to be even the slightest bit “chilled”. My Love. - OH! I managed to play “Hello In There” this evening... with Yonah... I can still play that. (But, a little note: my voice is going “raspy”... one of the “signs”.)
Sun.25.Apr: 9.14 and I've been up and “at it” from since about 6.30! At what? WHO KNOWS? Really. But this morning went along as most mornings, of late, tend: up, kettle on, change the water in Yonah's pool, make coffee, have coffee and pills, serve breakfast out back, have a “half-smoke” (the chest is a touch on the “heavy” side again, this morning) and a loo-trip. Then on to checking the weather... rain, clouds and the return to almost-and-below freezing for tonight and tomorrow night which moved into checking e-mail, then the week's “sales” at market (PERRY'S 3/10!) and some correspondence on “Minds” (Theresa). And all the while, trying to decide on what to do to “fill the day”, since there's to be no sun-shine. Pondering a run into town (only “pondering” because, well, I'm not really of a mind to put up with that farce). I don't “must”, but perhaps I “ought”. I'm still “pondering”. Working with the wood in the garage, to make the back-board for Yonah's return to the out-of-doors. Going to the river for sand and water (baby... and a million years gone by... as it were). AND... getting to the almost 300 pages of “Photo Journal”, now that the “template” has been proven WORKING! Of course, now that I'm dressed... a “snooze” as well. Although I slept through most of the night, up only for a loo-run (and, again, oddly, at 1.20), and, THANKFULLY, the night went by peacefully (as far as I know), I'm tired again, having done nothing but going through the stack of t-shirts that haven't been worn in so long that they've actually yellowed and are now in the basin, on a soak. “Tired”... again... so soon after getting out of bed. But, to be honest, I would have stayed in bed for some length of time this morning, had “the call” not come when it did. Bad enough I rather let it go for about 30 minutes anyway. And now, as I sit here at table, typing along, my head has taken leave of my body and is floating about the house... some-where, and the rest of my body just feels like collapsing into a gelatinous mass on the floor. A “normal, common, typical” start to another day. Ah, one of these days I'll just give into it and let “matters” take their own course. But not... NOT THIS day. There's a little feath'ry lady coo'ing at the window in the next room who deserves more than what will befall her... should I “take my leave”. - So, there's second coffee at hand, I'm dressed. Indeed... a snooze on the futon. It's “Sunday”, no banging or thumping from either end of the house. The skies are grey, the air is “cool” and damp. I CAN snooze and I see no reason why I oughtn't. So? So... there's “time” (and if there isn't, there's nothing I might do that will change that). - Another “Pleasant Valley Sunday, eh.” - Oh... I was out on the front, having a “halfie”, earlier, when Mr. Nell came round the bend (as it does), pulled-up and parked at the post-boxes and, getting out of the vehicle to check it's box, completely ignored and disregarded me. I, of course, made NO attempt nor effort to “greet” and, having checked the status and condition of the screen door, came back into the house. Honestly... the classlessness. But, 'tis to be expected from those who's “worth” and “esteem” are “self”, and delusions of “superiority” are promoted and supported by those of such a mind-inferior... Never mind... time for that snooze. Mine eyes do grow heavy. - 16.47 “Meal” (veggie fritatta) is on the hob and my eyes are down-right miserable. BUT, that's because there are now 300 pages coded for the new “Yonah Photo Journal” and 50 images coded-in! ALL DAY! With 3, 20-minute breaks during the day because of my eyes. AND the “desk-top” is backed-up onto the 500G and the 2T drives because TODAY WAS A LOT OF WORK accomplished. In fact, it began round about 9.00-ish and finished at 16.21. I even took mid-day oat-meal and vits with Yonah... working through it all. Imagine THAT! No prob, really, it's been over-cast all day so we sat for a while, listening to the radio and then I changed it to her “song-birds” (which she's listening to at present). WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO PASS A DAY! SERIOUSLY! - Yes, Perry's is on sale at market, so too, eggs and English muffins, but you know, as I thought about it, no matter when I go there, they're out of most of what I go for, and spending the day with Yonah is, indeed, and in fact, MUCH preferred. No stress, tension, anxiety, no dealing with idiots. A pure delight. - Now... I'm really NOT in a mood to eat (“take nourishment”) but must to take the vits to keep ME in shape so as to keep Yonah safe. So? So... could have had pizza, but too much bread. So eggs and veggies it it. (Forgot to do the prune juice today... oh well, will have to set a day aside during the week... tomorrow's expected to be “chilly”... tomorrow night, back down to the “MINUS” again... with the “chill” but still...) - And so, another day comes to a close... at last. - It was quiet, for the most. Only one short incident of bull-shitterie from next door. It had better stay that way. Tonight the rent cheque for May goes into the post. (MAY! FUCK! Already! June's next... the year's half gone. TOO FAST, fuck!) - 22.13 Finished “Brush Strokes” and now I feel like I've been part of it... everybody leaving, Sandra and Leslie managing jobs... Jacko flipping a coin to figure who he'll stay with because it came down to the end and he'd never bothered looking for a place... and earlier, I thought of being told to leave this place and not being able to afford it and having people say “You've been through this before.” and “You've been through worse.” It's “haunting”... sickeningly so. - Meanwhile, there was a bout of boom-boom but hopefully it's done and over and gone. - Temperature at 5.00 tomorrow... BLOODY-FUCKING ZERO WITH CHILL OF BLOODY MINUS FUCKING FIVE! HIGH? FUCK-ME 9! Oh well... Yonah's room is warm and toasty and I'm thinking of getting to the river, at last, for sand for her... supposed to be sunny. Have to make a run to FamDoll so will be picking-up some items at market as well... but there's a LOT MORE to be done on HER little “Photo Journal”! So, we'll be spending time together. - Right now... last smoke... quick shower and off to bed. Monday (again) tomorrow. - Oh... checked the e-mail... the Spectrum bill... oddly, Avery hasn't been round. Friday was the 23rd... Never mind. Oh... I have to put the rent cheque into the blue box too! Good thing I remembered (not that it makes any difference... since THIS month's never got touched until about the 19th? Fuck me much).
Mon.26.Apr: 6.29 I HEARD what wakes Yonah in the morning, this morning... “THUD” from next-door. 5.15! I'd just come back from the only loo-trip of the entire night (imagine... NOT at 1.30, as has been the “usual”... must've been because of the shower before bed), was laying in bed, pondering falling back to sleep for a moment or so, since lights didn't go out until mid-night again, last night/this morning. I've NO idea WHAT, if Fux name they did over there, but there was the distinct “THUD” followed by the “morning call”. SOOoooo... by 5.30 I was up, out of bed, kettle on, in to open Yonah's curtains, made coffee, ran fresh water for her pool, had my coffee and pills, serve breakfast on the back, had a half smoke on the front porch and am now, not dressed yet, but having morning coffee-coffee. Feeling, this morning... well... “rock in the chest and light in the head”, breathing is a bit of an effort, “around the rock”, but... here I am, here WE are, me and the bird, the doves are breaking fast on the back pavement, the sky is making an effort at clearing itself of clouds (rather like my chest trying to clear itself of last night's “settlement”). There's a breeze, cool but not freezing, an my check of the FS is depressing... 17$. I've a bit of a list of “necessaries” before Sunday-week. Two weeks until and Perry's on sale this week, eggs and English muffins too. I'll have to check through and see what's to be and what's not. “Budgeting”... should have been done yesterday. Not that it makes any difference, other than, I wouldn't have gotten up this morning with the “market run” in the agenda. Still, I have to get to FamDoll anyway, and with this cold, I ought to run the truck. (I believe this was a “5-Week” month anyway so that would explain a thing or such... again, not that it makes anything any the better.) And last night came the “Spectrum” e-mail: Your statement is ready. How charming. Yes, there's the “savings”... but I don't want to get into that now. I COULD keep up with these in-comings, but then too, I could keep to the general budget. WHAT I decide to do will be revealed when I do (or don't). Meanwhile... another morning... One more day behind me, another “yesterday” to debit the “tomorrows”. Hey, at least I only had to kick the furnace for a brief while this morning, and even then, didn't really “MUST”. It isn't a brisk in here as I'd expected... yet. Still, the “high”... only 9°. But sunny, so they claim. I'm still planning on a river-trip... sand, if nothing else. (Trying to figure how to bring the truck down to the bridge, where to park so I can just toddle through the wood-lands, grab the sand, perhaps some water as well. Honestly, I shouldn't even think about it... just go, park where-ever is convenient. That's the way “New Russians” do things round here... fuck the rest, serve the self. As Mr. Alvin Mayor puts it: Anyone can be a New Russian if they have the mind. Time *I* got the mind... or lost the one I've always had.) - New day. New week. Last week of another month... And... away we go... (I want a snooze already, but, with only about 5 hours “sleep”...) -
12.24 I stepped out for a smoke (on the front porch, in the BRISK, Northern wind!) and when I came back into Yonah's room, where I've been all morning, working on the “Slides”, SHE WAS IN THE POOL AGAIN! This is the larger one. And as I took photos and talked to her, she's as calm as she could possibly be! Thankfully, changing the water was one of the first things that got attended this morning. I'm just SO THRILLED that she's using and enjoying the little pool!
Meanwhile... ALL of the “photo” pages are complete! I'm just working on the rest of the “site” now, with an “Intro” and will work a little “Blog” into it. - Feeling a touch better now than first thing this morning. And I took an hour's snooze on the futon from about 8-9.00. I HAD to. It really is terrible, waking up, being “functional” for only about an hour or so and then truly NEEDING to take a nap. Perhaps it's because of insufficient sleep during the night, but, honestly, I just lose energy so quickly... and suddenly. But... it's the way it is, and I've no doubt, will only get “worse” with time. BUT... time at hand is precious and there's this little lady, this little LIFE, this little BLESSING, and we're together, and I have a responsibility... and WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS UNTIL... Seems I keep going more out of spite. “Life” has been such a fucking opponent ALL through my existence. I REFUSE to allow ANYTHING MORE to be taken from me! I simply REFUSE! - 14.51 Made it to FamDoll AND market... AND FINALLY, there's “river sand” in the oven (400°F) to “clean”! AND... in UNDER AND HOUR! YES! I DID IT! MADE IT. (ALTHOUGH, COMING BACK UP THE HILL WITH 2 COFEE CANISTERS FULL OF SAND, IN THE LARGE TOTE... I HAD TO STOP THRICE. THOUGHT I'D COLLAPSE A LUNG, BUST MY HEART, RIP MY RIB CAGE APART... FUCK! I'M TOO FUCKING “OLD” THESE DAYS!) BUT... YONAH WILL HAVE RIVER SAND TOMORROW! FRESH FROM AFTER THE RAINS AND SNOWS! AT LONG, LONG, ENTIRELY TOO LONG LAST! Yeah, I'm rather a bit proud today. Sure as Hell beats the alternative... I was considering another snooze! Instead, I spent money I shouldn't have spent (smokes), and ran the FS down to “worthless”. But that trip went quite quickly and the truck ran nicely. So? So... - Now, sadly, Yonah's sun-light is passed, off to the front of the house. But she did have a nice “bask and bath”! Oh... I got 3 more stones for her pool. I think they're all a touch too large, but we'll try it later. - Right now, ginger tea and back to Yonah's little “blog” page. I'm anxious to get that up and running and “launched”! It's looking good, being a delight and a little more work than I'd thought. - (Of note: I hope it's just “in my nose” but I seem to have a “pong” today... “death-like”. Am I rotting? Could be. Oh well... must move on... KADIMA!) - 20.09 It's been a “full” day, and now, it comes to the evening when the anxieties of worrying about whether or not there will be any peace in the night. There's been a bit of “thumping” going on next-door... earlier. So if the Shitboi's off with the bovine, there'll be the return “BANG”! Ah... til the end of this week... THEN begins the TRUE gut-wrenching of worry... WHAT, in FUX name, will that doddering old thing in Mass be dropping into that place? I DREAD the very thought! - Moving along... Yonah is quietly “in” for the night. We had a lovely little chat before I left her. I DID manage to spend ALL day in her room with her, working, quite assiduously, on her new “web presence”. It's coming along. The photo pages are ready to launch but I'm working on the “Welcome” and a “blog” collection of excerpts from my own journal where she's mentioned and her progress is recorded. THAT's proving to be quite involved since I have to read over the months recorded. (Not to mention, finding a shit-load of typos and the likes that have been posted... which, unless completely necessary, I'm NOT correcting... they were typed that way and so they ought to stay... so say I.) But it's been such a delight being with her. It truly is. Ah... when she's no longer in the house... how empty it all will be. - A bowlful of her new sand got the “heat cleanse” for almost 2 hours and is in the oven to cool over-night. Tomorrow we'll do some thorough house-keeping and put it in for her. I still can't get over her being in the pool again today! I'll have to get back down to the river and get some small stones to put into the bottom of the dish. There are plenty, just small enough for the bottom yet too large to be pulled into the pump. Tomorrow... along with getting river water for the plants (who NEED IT... especially the orange tree). - So, “meal”... pizza with ice cream after. I didn't want pizza, all that bread, but it was there and quick and easy enough. Tomorrow night... noodles with vegetables... to try and counter the bread of tonight. I need to get rid of a LOT of FAT! Which reminds... no “pastries” tonight. There wasn't enough on the card for them so I got eggs at 99¢ and plan on making cookies... at some point in time. Oh... alas. - Well... time to search another series or something to pass the time, having taken night pills. I'll be in bed in a while, after they settle, -
20.22 THE BANSHEE JUST GAVE A YELL OF SOMETHING NEXT-DOOR! JEEZUS FUKKING KRISTE! FUCKING BAD ENOUGH THEY WAKE YONAH IN THE MORNING! OH... TONGHT I'M IN THE MOOD TO START THE “FARE THEE WELL. GET THE FUCK OUT!” FUCKING SHAME THE RENT CHEQUE WENT OUT THIS MORNING... I'D ENCLOSE A “NICE NOTE”. BUT IF THE SHIT CONTINUES... A KINDLY CALL TOMORROW...
OK... diversion... Thankfully, Yonah wasn't disturbed... yet... fuck! - 23.11 I'll have to retract that tirade in red... I don't know where the yelling was coming from, but apparently, it wasn't next-door! Might have been one of the “locals” rolling by. What bothers me now is that I'm so “tuned” to expecting it to come from over there. THIS is NOT how “Life” is supposed to be at THIS time in my existence! - Meanwhile, just finished rolling through the “Minds Author” account. Tess is quite active on my posts and still going on about her personal business which is what made me turn from it all in the first place. Looks like I'll be off it again. - Yonah just gave a little “coo”. I wonder what happens when she does that when the house goes silent at night. Dreams? A sudden wakening and feeling alone? I really should get a cot for her room. I wonder if she'd feel comfortable if I were to sleep in there over-night. It breaks my heart to think that she feels lonely! But in another 3 weeks (hopefully), 4 at the most, she'll be out again and able to “mingle”. I'm so anxious to see how she handles it. I HOPE the flock welcomes her back! - And so, I'm late again tonight... time just slips away. To think, at 19.30, as usual, I could have just gone to bed and here it is, hours later and I'm still dribbling away on this journal. Time is up! Tomorrow is supposed to be warmer, sunny... then followed by even warmer and nothing but DAYS of RAIN! Bloody Hell. But I've more work on Yonah's site to do and I'd like to get water from the river for the trees in her room and there's house-keeping for her... and some of those pebbles from the river for her pool. Things to be done. So I'm off to bed! And at this hour, it might be safe to assume that “quiet and calm” will be tonight's “environment”. Lettuce sea.
Tue.27.Apr: (*NEW STREET LIGHTS! * SHITBOI THROWS A FIT*) (*** NEEDS WORK BUT YONAH'S PAGES ARE ON THE “DESIGN” SERVER!!! ***)
10.42 IMAGINE THIS: I did NOT want to get out of the bed this morning, and when I heard “the morning call”, I actually woke and then dozed back into “REM” sleep! Strange dream about moving house or something of the sort. It was slightly disturbing but not “night-marish”. I heard the “6.00” alarm, turned it off and dozed BACK to sleep until the “6.30”, which is actually about 6.25. Turned it off, heard the “morning call” and decided to get up. So I did... Kettle on, coffee in press, trip to the loo, reluctantly get dressed and on with regular routine of coffee and pills and then... THEN... it ALL commenced. Out back to “sweep” the bird seed that's been dumped from the feeder, yet again, off into the grass and away from the house and bin. Back in and... YONAH HOUSE-KEEPING COMMENCED... FULL-SWEEP TODAY! Fresh water for the pool with a “new rock” (which is OK but I need to keep looking for something heavy but not large, yet, this one is making for a bit of a “splashing” sound so we'll see what effect it has on Yonah... hearing the water). She now has “river sand” in her place, fresh kitchen roll on her “balcony” and through-out. I ground more sun-flower seeds and mixed-up new batches of “daily” and the “special” with the sun-flower seeds and that “Fun” mix of fruits and veggies. OH MY! The old “food” and sand went to the old “kitchen garden” and then came the Hoover... room-to-room, vroom-to-vroom. Yes, indeed, it's been a non-stop 4 hours this morning and all during the while, Ms. Shit in the pee-oh has been doing her best to ensure NOT A MOMENT of peace. (I wonder if she gets paid extra for being just a plain, classless bit of filth. I mean to say, she's never even made the effort to speak, when I accidentally bumped into her that day when I thought she'd vacated and as I went for my post, she appeared out the door. I'd said “I though everybody had gone.” with a smile. And she replied... with a grimace that gave the impression she'd just shat her-self, “No.” and that was that.) ANYWAY... Yonah's house is settled again... a little “splashing” sound coming from her room along with some quite nice music from the radio. The rest of the house is “proper”. There's another bowl of sand in the oven, having been at the “400” for about an hour... to heat thoroughly. I even changed the foil-paper on the lower oven rack this morning. (One thing led to another, as it were.) OH YES, AND the bath-towel is on the rack on the back gallery to dry... freshly laundered as well, this morning. It's been a “productive” morning... AND, LEST I FORGET... AVERY CAME TO DELIVER THE USUAL 60$-PLUS IN GA THIS MORNING! I'VE BEEN WONDERING IF THEY HADN'T SIMPLY DROPPED THE ACCOUNT FOR SOME REASON. BUT... FULL TANK OF GAS AGAIN! SHOWER-DOWN! WOOHOO! - I'd like to get to the river for water today... 3-4 days of rain to follow today which will bring the river up high, not to mention, I don't want to be toddling in the rain. There's more work to be done on Yonah's page. (I've been looking for a domain name: thinking “YonahTaube”... “Dove Dove”... Hebrew German... just thining...) Looking forward to spending the day with her again. - There's a “snooze” to be put into this morning as well, indeed. I believe I've earned it. - And, just to make a note: I have a “feeling” that “the fucking land-lord” will be appearing rather some-time soon. I could well be wrong... since he's paranoid about “public rest rooms” and it IS a 5-hour drive. But, I've the feeling. If not him... somebody in his stead. We shall see. - And next-door? I haven't seen a vehicle in the drive, nor have I heard any sound from there. I've got the most sinking feeling they're going to be packing, shoving, banging and such at NIGHT... and, likely... into the LATE NIGHT! (AND, this morning, I got the feeling that they're NOT going to be leaving at all! GODS FORBID!) - What-ever... it's another day... -
21.44 *** YONAH'S PAGES ARE NOW ON THE “DESIGN” SERVER AS OF 20.57 THERE'S A BIT MORE WORK TO BE DONE ON THEM, AND THE PHOTOS HESITATE TO LOAD BECAUSE THEY'RE IN ANOTHER DIRECTORY UNDER ANOTHER URL. AND THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE “TARGET TAG”, WHEN THE PORTFOLIO OPENS IN A NEW TAB, AND THAT TAB IS CLOSED, THE PREVIOUS TAB REVERTS TO THE PORTFOLIO. AH... THE INTERNET. IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER IN THE OLD DAYS. BUT... IT GIVES ME MORE CHALLENGE AND I WELCOME THAT. IT ALSO GIVES ME MORE WORK TO DO AND TIME TO SPEND WITH YONAH AS I DO SO THAT'S A LITTLE BLESSING, INDEED. ***
OTHER-WISE, THIS HAS BECOME ANOTHER “SHELTER NIGHT” OF HELL!!! TO BEGIN WITH, THE RETARDS OF THE STATE HAVE CHANGED THE STREET LIGHTS ON THE MAIN. NOW, THEY'RE “NEW” EYE-SCORCHING BLUE “LED” AND THE HARSHNESS OF THE SHADOWS ON THE FRONT PORCH ALONE IS ALMOST PAINFUL! THEN, THE BRILLIANCE OF THE LIGHT THAT POURS INTO THE BED-ROOM IS, WELL, I WENT ON TWATTER AND POSTED TO THE “ADK COUNCIL”... IT'S LIKE LIVING IN THE HEART OF TIMES SQUARE! SO MUCH FOR THEIR “LIGHT POLLUTION” BULL-SHIT! IT'S MISERABLE! SIMPLY BLOODY-FUCKING MISERABLE! AND I'VE JUST COME FROM TALKING WITH YONAH (BECAUSE OF POINT-TO-FOLLOW) AND HAD TO PUT THE EXTRA CARD-BOARD OVER THE TOP OF HER CAGE TO BLOCK SOME OF THE FUCKING LIGHT THAT'S POURING INTO HER ROOM AS WELL! WHAT IN FUCK'S NAME IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS? THE MENTAL RETARDATION, THE LITERAL BRAIN-ROT IS ASTOUNDING!
NEXT POINT: AT 21.25 SHITBOI COMES POUNDING IN AND LETS OUT AN ACTUAL *** HOWL ***!!! THEN THE HOUSE WENT QUIET. I STEPPED OUT FOR A SMOKE MOMENTS AGO AND WHEN I CAME BACK IN, POOR YONAH WAS CALLING OUT! THAT SHIT-BAG, FUCKING WET-BABY PRODUCT OF DRUNKS AND JUNKIES SHIT-BABY FUCKTARD WOKE HER!!!
THIS SHIT-HOLE ACTUALLY AND FACTUALLY HAS BECOME ANOTHER “SHELTER” WITH THE ABSOLUTE INSANITY!
WHAT TRULY TEARS AT MY SOUL IS MY SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY TO AND FOR YONAH! AND THE THOUGHT OF NOBODY BOTHERING TO EVEN TRY TO OFFER ANY PROTECTION AND SUSTENANCE TO HER AND THE OTHERS THAT I'VE MADE SURE TO PROVIDE WITH FOOD... GOOD FOOD, ESPECIALLY THROUGH THE WINTER. I ALREADY KNOW THAT THE SHITS OF NEW RUSSIA HAVEN'T A CARE FOR ANY-THING OTHER THAN “SELF”. IT'S ALL TOO SIMILAR TO THE SELF-SERVING, ENTITLED SHITS OF VERMONT! YES, I CAN FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO MOVE TO (I CAN HOPE TO, ANYWAY), BUT MY HEART WILL BE GNAWED AT WITH THE HORRORS OF WONDERING ABOUT THE LITTLE ONES HERE... ESPECAIALLY YONAH! THE BEST THAT I CAN HOPE FOR AT THIS JUNCTURE IS THAT SHE'LL GET OUT TO THE PORCH, TAKE PERFECT FLIGHT, RE-UNITE WITH HER FLOCK AND THEY'LL ALL BE OFF TO BETTER PLACES... QUICKLY. AT LEAST OUT THERE, SHE'LL BE ABLE TO RE-ESTABLISH HER HOME IN A MORE SUITABLE PLACE... AWAY FROM THESE BASTARDS AND GENERAL FILTH! MEANWHILE, I'LL STAY FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE AND NECESSARY. BUT...
TOMORROW I WANT TO PUT IN A CALL TO THE “ADIRONDACK COUNCIL” ABOUT THE STREET LIGHTS, AND A CALL TO “THE FUCKING LANDLORD” TO, AT LEAST, ASK WHETHER OR NOT THAT FILTH NEXT DOOR WILL ACTUALLY BE LEAVING. IF NOT, A “WAR” IS TO BE DECLARED AND I'LL MAKE IT CLEAR TO THAT “MASS-HOLE” THAT IF HE WANTS WHAT HE'S RUMOURED TO HAVE HAD IN THIS PLACE, THEN I'LL DO ALL I POSSIBLY CAN TO ASSIST HIM IN THAT EFFORT... I'LL FUCKING LEAVE AND HE CAN PUT HIS IN-BRED, SLUT-MOTHERS ON WELFARE, RIGHT BACK IN HERE. AND... IT WOULD SERVE “NEW RUSSIA” RIGHT AS WELL! WE'LL SEE HOW I AM WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING... RIGHT NOW, IT'S BEST THAT IT'S SO LATE AT NIGHT BECAUSE I'D BE ON THE PHONE AT THE MOMENT!
WHAT THE FUCK? “LIVING THE DREAM”? NOT ANY LONGER. OTHER THAN YONAH, THIS IS RE-LIVING THE SHELTER!
22.03 And now it's LATE a-fucking-gain! But I'm glad to have gotten that out of my gut. Even documenting it here is a bit of a help. And to think of how wonderful this day had been... the sun DID manage to break through, the “cold” was dispelled by an afternoon-evening sun-shine. So much work got done on the coding of Yonah's photos... including a “new script/tag” for opening a link in a new tab. Seems all the “scripting” knocks-out the “target” tag so there's some “XHTML” in there now. Live and learn. It's got “bugs and glitches”, but it's something I can work with and, for the moment, it's working to a point so... - My chest has been “painful” this evening, “heavy”, “tight”. I can't quite figure what it might be because I'm not coughing more, not bringing-up anything other than the “usual”, I've no trouble breathing, no “rattles or rails”, no “blood”, and nothing horribly-coloured. I just can't figure what it might be, but at a moment during the day I actually felt afraid... that I was about to lose a battle that I haven't time to lose at present. I'm “OK” tonight, in that respect. Honestly, I almost look forward to Yonah leaving to return to her flock... my time after that is going to be quite short... and I'll see to it. (And let these shit-bags handle the inconvenience of “disposal”. I don't give any more shits about them than they give about me.) - Well... I should put something into my stomach with the pills. I took them shortly after 20.00 and I'm sure they're all disintegrating in my gut where they'll do their good and their damage. I've no “cookies” or the sort. I'll try to make some tomorrow. It's supposed to be “warm” but raining. And I want to find a better place for Yonah. As I said to her earlier, I'd move her to the living-room, farther away from that shit-bag next-door, but she'd lose her morning and after-noon sun-shine AND I can't keep the living-room as warm as I keep her room, even if I were to put both radiators in there. But now, I have a “shove” to get into the garage and start making her “back-boards” for the porch. And now, I need to think of some-thing to block all the fucking light in that room at night! Never any rest for the weary. - It was another day of thinking “shower” tonight... especially since Avery came to fill the gas this morning, but... nope... I'm tired... angry, livid, annoyed, aggravated... and tired. - 23.12 An episode of QI from April 2021 (supposedly), too many smokes on the over-illuminated from porch and a ramekin of ice cream and frosting (hoping the sugar knocks me out... in lieu of booze). Thankfully, this hole is calm and quiet and not bitter cold. Radiators are on for the night and I'm off. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
Wed.28.Apr:
| YONAHTAUBE.COM - LAUNCHED AT 19.00 (and there's a LOT of work left to be done) |
Joan had said, several times, that, at some point, living here was “absolute Hell” because of what Alden had installed in one of the living spaces in the house. Ah... JOAN... Alden's “love”. SHE was forced to live in horrific conditions with trash-and-filth in the house and “dear Alden” OBVIOUSLY did NOTHING to make her life any the easier. SO... taking the lesson from THAT incident, I've resolved to just paying the rent as I have done and as for the rest of my residency... THE REST OF THEM CAN ALL JOLLY FUCK THEMSELVES WITH A BRIAR. Time to “live as I wish”... My “consideration” is done, gone, depleted.
Delightful way to begin a day... Eh? - OK. So there. Perhaps a “terse” e-mail to the “Council” today, a bit of research into what OTHER so-called “concerned” organisation needs a good throat punch. And all the while, double-down on finding “a QUIET, SOME-WHAT SECLUDED LITTLE PLACE IN THE ADIRONDACKS”... or... a remote little place on the border... again. THIS SHIT has GOT to STOP! - Meanwhile, little Yonah is coo'ing in the other room. She's been quite vociferous this morning. Poor little one. At least 3 days of this “drear” ahead... “ain't no sun-shine” in the forecast. Alas... alas... ALL ASS! - There's work to be done on her “Portfolio” and we shall spend the time together... and I shall get it rolling. - Good morning... “Viet Nam”!!! -
9.30 YONAHTAUBE.COM IS REGISTRED!!! - 20.33 There's still quite a bit of work to be done on the 300 pages of “photos” for the “Portfolio” BUT... NOT ONLY IS “YONAHTAUBE.COM” *** LAUNCHED *** SHE HAS A FUNCTIONING “FAVICON” AND A TEMPORARY HOME-SCREEN WITH AN ANIMATION OF HER (THAT I CREATED IN DECEMBRE '20)! AND I MANAGED TO SPEND ANOTHER ENTIRE DAY WITH YONAH TODAY! SO... YONAH AND HER STORY WILL BE ON THE INTERNET... FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER YEAR... MORE, IF I CAN GET THE MONEY TO STRETCH IT ALL... I'D LIKE ANOTHER 10 YEARS! WE'LL WORK ON IT... LITTLE BY LITTLE. I WON'T BE AROUND BUT *** SHE *** WILL BE! (ACTUALLY, WITH “LIFE EXPECTANCIES” FOR EITHER AND BOTH OF US, NEITHER OF US WILL BE “AROUND” IN 10 YEARS, BUT *HER* LEGACY WILL BE!!! and some of mine, I suppose. SO... There are “links” that have to be refined on ALL of the photo pages, and there's ONE page that's a duplicate so that has to be removed, from that point forward, the pages have to be re-numbered and the links for the “refresh” have to be adjusted. I believe it's about 200 pages that need working on that. BUT... It's YONAH and I LUV the work!
20.43 The “Shits” are over there in FULL-BASH tonight! The kitchen wall sounds as if it's about to give and they're yelling at each-other... sounds like room-to-room! If they're NOT out of here by Saturday (the 1st May) MY shit will hit the fan and THOSE Shits will be on the main! Thankfully, I must say, most of their bull-shitterie is in the kitchen over there so it's in the kitchen over here. Were it in their living-room... it would be in Yonah's room and THAT will NOT “fly”! SHE'S been “tucked-in” from since 19.30 and has been so quiet... thus far. - (Thu.29.Apr: 7.52.... because I was just too tired to complete this last night... “Notes” are: 95$ on the FS the day I shopped! -22.38 More that should have been put into this but... I'm tired... no shower... just off to bed again. Tomorrow? Cloudy. Rain. Not snow!!! Another day with the “Beebeness”!!!) SO... YES, indeed... about the FS, when I'd returned from the town-run on Monday, I did entre the transaction on the banque spread-sheet and into the book, but put the grocery receipt to the side and figured that there was only but about 1$ on the “Food Card” so just let it go until this after-noon when I decided to get the cards together and put the latest receipt/tally in where it belongs. Checking the “balance”, I was rather SHOCKED! To I rang the “info number” and sure-enough... at some point just before Monday, another 95$ in “food” was posted! I COULD have gone “shopping” on Monday... but I had NO idea! SO... looks like I need to get the items I didn't get then... and since Perry's is on sale this week... well indeed! Food in the house for the week-end! WOO-HOO! (And, I COULD play this correctly and hold the bulk til Monday-coming and roll up to Plattsburgh for Walmarde, to get the plastic for Yonah's “out-doors” event AND to Hannaford's for REAL food... I COULD...) - As for to wrap this day, it passed, with bits of “light”, not really “sun-shine”, here and there, now and again and then again not. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't really “warm”. I spent MOST of the time with Yonah, which makes it worth waking up for and to, working on HER site. - “Meal”... more “noodles wi'budduh” (Eleanore's daughter and Rhiney's “commentary”) and veggies. “Discovered” some broccoli in the freezer and tossed that in too, hoping it will help “cleanse”... it doesn't, these days. I wonder why it did at 5199... I “wonder”. Ice cream, hot water... the usual routine. - THEN... AFTER MEAL, I checked to see if Yonah's “site” was yet, up and running. It wasn't. So I broke-down and “chatted” with the “Happiness Specialist” at GoDaddy to see WHAT I'd done wrong. Well, to tell the fact... AS the “chat” was open, I went through a few pages on “my dash-board”. The domain hadn't been properly associated with my server and what the “HS” said/typed was “That domain doesn't appear on your server ):” but didn't say “how” one went about PUTTING it there! Ah... but, as the “HS” was doing what-ever it is they do when they're not typing... I DISCOVERD MY ERROR, ADDED THE DOMAIN AND NOTICED THAT I'D PUT THE WRONG DOMAIN NAME ON THERE... ADDING AN “R” TO THE END OF “TAUBE”! (Even as I type this, on Thursday morning, the wrong one is still “associated”... I can't seem to get it gone! Oh well... I don't care, really... yet.) So, a little back-and-forth, here-and-there and at last! YONAH'S PHOTO-JOURNAL-PORTFOLIO-SITE IS UP AND RUNNING! IT TOOK MERE SECONDS... once I got it right. NOW... to get to work on those pages... which I did, again, right after “thanking” the “HS” for the help (that I really didn't get). - And so... what needs to be done now is the “navigation” under all of the photos, re-numbering the pages to get rid of the ONE duplicate (THAT's going to be a pain in the arse but...) and from thence... we shall see. - And so, as I “noted”... time was passed watching an episode of “QI” as I waited for the nightly pills to “settle” and by 22.38 I was FINISHED! So I “noted”, went to brush teeth, shut the computer down, put out the kitchen light, did the nightly “Good night. I LOVE you.” to Yonah who was in the relative darkness of the card-boards a-top and behind... thanks to those wank-sox and their “new lights” and... by the time I reached the bed, I was SO exhausted, I just put my light out, got under the blankets and...
Thu.29.Apr: 7.34 Right now, I've had morning coffee-coffee, pills taken, Yonah has been up and coo'ing, her pool-water and drinking water have been freshened, radio on quietly, breakfast served on the back walk, I've had “morning loo” and I'm dressed, in from second smoke... on the front porch, in this morning's mist, under skies of solid grey. It isn't “cold” this morning, just damp, and a forecast, as I've seen, PACKED with nothing but “grey and rain” as far as the forecasters can forecast. It's almost as if I've already crammed an entire day in a matter of mere hours! AND, sadly, a run into town is on the agenda at some point today. Oh well. I don't WANT to, but... I suppose I really ought to. - Managed to almost sleep through the night, getting into bed at almost 23.00, light out (in the room... and laying there in the brilliance of that piece of shit on the pole at the corner... “another night under the lights of Times Square”... nothing like going to sleep being annoyed... again). This morning, I woke, of my own, at about 5.00, from a REALLY AMAZING DREAM that, as mine do, stopped “just before”... It was me and... MARK! Of ALL the people in the world... and of ALL the times in existence... this morning, after ALL these years! WHY? I wonder. But it was AMAZINGLY AMAZING... for as long as it lasted. I can't help but recall Bibsie: “You are SO incredibly repressed that it's just an actual part of your unconscious now!” when we were discussing “Dream Analysis” oh, so long, LONG ago. Pathetic... that repression STILL stifles. There isn't even a “One day” or “One of these days”... at this point it's “DOOMED”... as it were. - Well... at least the house remained calm and quiet through the night. Today's the 29th... Shitboi's up and about “over there” already... “thump thump” on the walls and such. I've the “feeling”... strong as it is, that those two WON'T be out of here on the week-end... again. He's full of shit. She? Well... little Miss Quasimodo, sway-back heifer... with here “alleged degree” and such in “Psych”... classless couple, that. Best I can do at this juncture is “hope”. If they don't depart, I'll just make it “obvious” that I'm not “thrilled”... perhaps it IS time to figure that other pallet into the “décor” of Yonah's room... one way or another. “Sound-proofing panels” on the shopping list... for as long as I and “they” are in residence. Fuck! - Anyway, there are 300 “pages” of web-work to get to today, time with Yonah again. THAT'S a BRILLIANT bit of a day to look forward to. I checked, again, this morning, on the phone, to see how “the site” is running and indeed... there it is! There's some “manipulating of files” to be done there as well... and I could, probably should, go through the entire Journal and re-do the associations with images... put Yonah on her own “domain” and link-in to them there. But... what will be will be will come when it's done or not done. And I'm pondering a change of back-ground colour... from the black now to white. All will or won't be AFTER all the coding and re-numbering of the 300 pages is complete and all is up and running. (I'm giving me until no later than mid-night tomorrow!) - Other than that... here we are, another day. I've obviously “survived” through the night, woken with the “usual rocks in the chest”, hacking un-colourful “stuff” and so... on we go. - There are a couple of items I want to put into yesterday's entry as well... I was SO tired last night that, well... just SO tired... I truly AM “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. - 8.00 I'm catching-up with yesterday and next-door... HOOVERING... or some sort of activity of the kind. “9.00” would have been a more considerate hour to start that shit but... hey... IF it means getting rid of that sooner... though... though... ALTHOUGH MY GUTS WRENCH WHEN I THINK OF WHAT'S ABOUT TO BE DUMPED IN THERE NEXT... FUUUUUCK! - 8.15 caught-up and that “wave of fatigue” just washed over me! I'm off for a lie-down on the futon for a touch. WOW. It's almost impressive, how suddenly and deeply I get so intensely fatigued! - 20.02 Made it to FamDoll and the market AND to fill the tank in the truck this after-noon! Round about 13.30... out the door, up the road, to the stores and back... as if running in a competition. But... there's plenty of ice cream in the house, juice too smokes through the week-end and more chicken that has to be prepped and put-up tomorrow. (Oh, tomorrow... quite the day ahead there: prep the chicken, clean Yonah's place, try to figure why the pump is losing power, ought to get new trees for Yonah, MAKE THE BACK PANEL FOR HER CAGE WHEN IT GOES TO THE BACK GALLERY, clean this house, I ought to cut my hairs... AND THERE'S MORE WORK TO BE DONE FOR “YONATRAUBE” AS WELL!!!) ANY-waaaayyyy... I walked in from “town”, put the groceries up and grabbed the bag of the 6 potatoes that have been here from since the pot roast.. diced them up, diced an onion I got at market, into the “soup pot” on the hob, with the outer fleurettes of broccoli that I'd gotten for Yonah today as well (AND SHE LOVED IT!!!), seasoning and on the boil... Potato-Broccoli SOUP! “Meal”... (with the left-over slice of pizza). - All done, back to sit with Yonah and work on HER web-site. And that covers the entire day until “meal” and then an “Evening Chat” with Yonah from 18.45 to about 19.15 when she was obviously ready and wanting to go “seepie-nigh-night”! Yes, indeed, it's been no-stop through the day today (save the 3 naps... that I seem to MUST have these days). The only “breaks” were to check e-mail and reconcile the accounting! I'm WORKING these days. (I want her site to be up and running by Saturday... I don't see it happening though because I've decided to include the “photo page” that I have here for this journal, and a page of “Tips” on how to care for mourning doves... indeed... me and my “Oh... just the photos”.) - And so, as per usual, “meal” and washing-up was done by 18.00 including putting-up the rest of the soup which isn't all too bad but not quite as thick as I'd hoped, but it might thicken in the fridge... what-ever. Tastes fine and was filling and served the purpose. And so “we” passed ANOTHER rainy day... Just Yonah and I together, alone, in the house. How WONDERFUL! - (Of note: Shitboi rolled out of the drive at about 18.30 and just at 20.06 BANG! IT returned! My anxieties now are: WILL that shit be out of here on Saturday and WHAT IN FUX NAME WILL THAT MASS-HOLE SHOVE INTO THAT PLACE... more than likely with-out a fart in my direction... I resent it because *I* *HAD* to pass Joan's inspection... I'm being told that I'm not “worthy” of that consideration and I'm PISSED!!! BUT... there's a lawn to mow and little things round here that I would have been more than HAPPY to do... WOULD HAVE BEEN... AM NOT ANY LONGER. So... we'll “ride”... BUT... IF some drunk qunt who blasts TV all day and into the night moves in there... THERE WILL BE HELL IN THIS HOUSE TO BE SURE... AND I'LL BE THE ONE RAISING IT THIS TRIP! - OK. That noted, 20.20... night pills taken... hot water at hand... time to un-roll, un-wind... and prep for a toss into bed. No shower tonight. I'm not in the mood and I'm just a tad too tired... as I sit here waiting for the Stalag lights to come on for the night. - There's an old movie... “Stalag 17” on the Uotoob... 2 hours... I think I'll try to grab a copy... something to browse or what-ever.... one of these days/evenings/nights. - 22.49 Well, at about 21.30 or so, there was another BURST against the kitchen wall from next door and then all stopped. - I've over-stayed my awakeness and eaten PopTarts, finished the last of the Fage and have had last smoke... I'm off to bed!
Fri.30.Apr: 6.58 Sitting, already, at the table, with Yonah... getting ready to work on her “site” after what was, admittedly, a “sleep-through” night, last night with only one loo-trip. And I woke, of my own, before the first alarm and before the first “call”. At 5.50 I was already up, about, kettle on, and getting ready to get dressed. Breakfast has been “served” on the back walk, I've had a “morning loo” and a smoke on the front porch in the rather “warmish”, damp, some-what “misty” morn, under quite grey skies. There was a break of sun-shine, earlier. But Nature's “corrected” that now. It's rather dark in the house this morning, I'd like, rather much, to just go back to bed, to be honest. Heavy-chested, heavy head, light in the mind. I wake, after a night's sleep, feeling as though I'd pulled an “all-nighter”. Just another common, typical day. So many “things I'd like to do with a day” run through my mind and there's all to do to keep from just going to the futon and... The days become more burdensome. BUT... there's WORK to be done today, quite a few items that ought to be completed and so... I'm about to get into it. - This SHOULD be the last day of the Shits next-door... they're up and about already as well. Might be an “interesting” sort of day. (Most of me believes they'll be here through the week-end... BANGING and THRASHING about over there.) - But, there's stuff to fill the day, I'm feeling rather shitty and so... we'll see what we can get done. - Oh... and that movie, “Stalag 17”... another one that down-loaded in half. Ah well... the stupidity of today's Internet holds steadily. “The world”... progressing steadily into a regression. All's welll. -
19.50 THE WINDS ARE *** BEATING *** AGAINST THE HOUSE NOW, FOR THE PAST HOUR OR MORE!!! TREES ARE BENDING! THINGS, OUT-SIDE, WERE FLYING PAST YONAH'S WINDOW AS WE HAD OUR NIGHTLY CHAT JUST NOW!!! (I suspect it's “PO-poo” out there, off the “bulletin board”. I'm NOT even thinking of replacing it... again.) IT'S SUPPOSED TO DROP TO -1° AGAIN, TONIGHT, SO I RAN THE FURNACE FOR WHILE, AS YONAH AND I CHATTED, AND THE RADIATORS ARE ON, LET'S JUST HOPE. BUT, AS I SAID EARLIER (to Yonah): WE'VE GONE THROUGH WORSE, MUCH WORSE, THIS PAST WINTER. WINDS WERE HORRID! BUT THE TEMPERATURES WERE BITTER COLD AND THE SNOWS AND ICE WERE WHIPPED AND BEATEN. SO... WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOO. I just hope the electric stays through the night. - 22.16 OK... SO the wind was blowing and the lights did flicker a bit and I got lost in the what-ever and moved on to watching tele! Well FUCK! Shower at 21.00? I think not! Shower when I get done with this! - As for the day... ALL of it working with new pages on Yonah's site, in addition to correcting the mistakes I'd made on the “Photo” pages... forgotten script for the links, the “next” and “prev” errors, failing to correct the “height” and “width”... As it stands now, the basics are ready to up-load (and I was going to do that this evening, but... my brains are scrambled and well...). Tomorrow I'll make sure the “basics” are correct, up-load to the server and work from there. I DID get “Yonah Tauber” as the “Sender name” on her e-mail account though. Very cute. The account was set-up as “Yonah bat Shalom” and I was about to delete it and make a “Yonah Tauber” but then I'd've had to forfeit the “Yonah@” and I'm NOT about to do THAT! - AND, I HAD to re-position the water out-let in her pool today and made a right mess of that because of a crimp in the tubing that made it splash all over the top of the table. This evening, after meal, I broke down and used actual wire to position and brace the tubing. It doesn't splash at all any longer but the flow is much improved. Poor baby, she had to tolerate my meddling after dinner and I interrupted her “nosh”! But she's such a gem! AND... I re-positioned the “hooks” on the card-board backing for her “night cage” so that it now covers the entire back! No more bloody street light glaring in on her! And with a larger piece a-top, she's quite in the dark, save the light that comes in as “glare and glow” in the room now, at the front of the cage. Fucking dolts and their bloody lights! - Meal... I prepped 4 chicken breasts, baked 2, heated some potato soup which got poured over a breast, half of which I had. Not bad. Filling. No veg though. Oh well... - And this evening, at “before sleep chat” I noticed that those “off” feathers on Yonah's left wing are bothering her! I WISH I knew what to do about them with-out causing her any trauma! And now I'm wondering if she'll be able to fly properly out-side! I'm MORE worried now because SOMETHING attacked the small feeder on the back gallery this after-noon and actually took the feeder off the hook! And there were 3 feathers under the porch! More heart-aches. But, I've just looked into “Runnings” and “dog cages”. 48x32x30 and about 70 dollars (though it says “On Sale”). Well? If she can't escape danger... the problem is: should I get deathly ill and/or die, these fucktards round here will simply toss her out anyway, if I keep her on. I don't really see me hanging on for any major length of time and she'll likely out-live me anyway. I'm just going to have to let her out more often, hope she learns to navigate the house, get her exercise and make certain she CAN fly well-enough out there. I WANT her back with her flock, living as she should. And I do suppose that “living as she should” includes what-ever dangers there are out there. More to think about. - A bit of a note: the PO sign has managed to with-stand the brutal winds today. I'm quite pleased. I did a good job of that. - And tonight, I stepped out for a smoke and the winds are still blowing, though not as hard, and they're coming directly down from the North and yes, they're COLD! There was an ice storm in the forecast earlier. Thankfully, that didn't happen, but it IS COLD out there. I'd run the furnace to bring the house up to 70F after meal and the radiators are on (of course, the one in Yonah's room is always on these days). It's expected to be quite cold in the morning... 1st May, of course. Alas... - And, now, before hitting the shower (which I MUST tonight)... Shitboi just rolled in at about 22.10... So much for the “11 more days, Bud.” bull-shit. These people are just shit-bags... fucking psychotics... the lot of them. Liars. Oh well... at least I know the shit I'm stuck with for now and honestly, at least the banging doesn't run through a night. - Now? On to the shower and to bed! I've got a LOT on the plate for tomorrow... YONAH'S SITE WILL BE LAUNCHED AND ANNOUCED! - (PS: Imagine... ANOTHER FUCKING MONTH IS GONE! TIME, IN SOME RESPECTS, RUNS ENTIRELY TOO QUICKLY AND IN OTHERS, ENTIRELY TOO SLOWLY. And tonight, not only am I tired... I just saw me in the loo mirror... I LOOK horrid! Oh... and tomorrow... another decrease in the daily vit.C... down from 10 to 9 grams. Little by little... Should prove “interesting”...