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Fri.01.Apr: 6.25 Dressed. Not a bad night but up and down through. A couple minor left leg contractions but they really weren't the cause for waking. Silly dreamlettes that I don't remember. But.. up with the last alarm and could go right back to sleep. Chest was perfect until coffee and 1 ea C biotine. And I'm not taking the Walmarde C and will be getting rid of the biotine and D from them too as finances permit. SOY and CHINA! FTS. Furnace on again! This is pissing me off now... set at 65F and running running running WTAF? My chest is tighteninig already to the “painful” again. Then again... CVPH, echo, Demuro, UVM, NYSEG, street light, moving... mornings are shit... before the “call”. So? So... I'm off to check balances on “OTC card” and banque. Maybe pay some bills... maybe not. I don't really much care this morning. Oh... a little shack in the back of a wood-land... just my Little Guy and me! - 6.33 Soc.Sec. in... and gone... - 16.44 Waiting for “meal” to gook and the news to come on... - Yonah was up and calling at 6.33 this morning with the longest coo's! And we've been together ALL day! It's been some-what dreary but we've managed to make the very best of it despite my fatigue. - Somebody with a REALLY THICK AND HEAVY ACCENT CALLED THIS MORNING ON THE “WOODHAULER” NUMBER. Something about a “test ordered by your doctor”. I had NO idea WHAT THE FUCK this one was talking about. Between accent and lousy connection, so I said so and she said “You'll have to call your doctor and then you can call us back.” OK... So I called the “clinic” and was told that there were no notes of any tests other than Wednesday's “echo” and “how did that go”? CLUELESS! THEY HAD NO IDEA! WELL, I told missy Clinic what happened (and I'm sure this is NOT going to pass in my favour with old Doc Robbie but...) AND that I've got a grievance filed against CVPH... AND that I don't expect anything better from “UVM” so... the response should be interesting. I've NO doubt I WON'T hear from Doc Robbie because that's his precious time and HE'S a “doctor”. But the message has been sent... and I DID mention that I called Albany Med as reference and spoke with 3 people there who all said THEY provide services no matter... Will THAT get to Doc Robbie? Probably not... until I say. Of note... no mention of the CT in April... .Hmm... WELL! ANYWAY... COME TO FIND OUT, I looked the calling number of the one who didn't speak English... THE “SLEEP STUDY”! But I'm thinking that I haven't received any word from insurance about this so maybe I'll just let this ride... Still... - Truth of the matter is... I woke feeling quite well this morning... REALLY QUITE WELL. As the morning rolled into after-noon, the fatigue came along... and sudden bouts of where
I want to simply go limp, drop to the floor or just “puddle”,
Other moments when I could almost literally ball my-self up tightly, pull my-self into my-self
And those moments when I actually have to consciously FIGHT AGAINST JUST TAKING A “LAST BREATH”!
I'm not “in pain”, to speak. I'm not “ill”, to speak. I'm just “off”... REALLY “off”. It's muscles, energy, focus... even as I type my hands go completely weak... I'm not having trouble breathing. But my body seems to be “giving up” some-how... Oh well... I keep in mind... THERE'S THE ER! And if I have to keep going there for treatment, I'm sure Blue Cross will have quite a bit to say on the matter... and they've already got ONE “grievance”. HEY! THIS IS FOR ME AND YONAH! THE REST CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES! - 16.57 THE FUCKING DAY IS GONE! MEAL TIME ALREADY! - Oh... I started a little “story” about the “move to Quail st” today... Hmmm... 48 years ago... still so clear! Shame really, I can't go slap those two fuktardz! -
(Mon.04: 15.22 SHIT! I knew I was “behind” in this Journal but... THIS FAR? This fucking “fatigue” is destroying my ... “being”! Time to look for a REAL DOCTOR... maybe hit those 58 “pages” in Albany... mean-while... let's see what I can pull together from the notes...)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20.10 I'm tired! Nothing new about that of late. But it's really getting to me, being THIS tired THIS often! - have to say that “smoking” these days has been only for the “taste”. I'm not inhaling... but then, that's not really all by choice... my chest just won't tolerate the smoke. Summer is going to be HELL... with road dust and shit. And I'd like to KNOW WTAF is happening in there... in the lungs... but this clown that calls himself a “Doctor”... The thought of having to drive 2 hours to Albany to get to a REAL doctor is almost terrifying. The truck... over High Peaks... not to mention the “Albany traffic”. It ain't 1974 no more! - I can hear the “rasp” in my voice lately. Pretty obvious tonight. OO... it's a “sign”! - AND NOW I'M REALLY PISSED-THE-FUCK-OFF... ALL THE TIME... BECAUSE OF THESE “TESTS”.. AND NOW, I'VE NO DOUBT I'LL BE WAITING ANOTHER FUCKING MONTH BEFORE ANY SORT OF ANYTHING IS EVEN ADDRESSED! I'M FUCKING FED-UP! WERE IT NOT FOR YONAH, I'D CALL THE PRESS, GET IN THE TRUCK AND HEAD FOR THE CLIFFS OR SOMETHING OF THE SORT. FUKKEM! BUT... I WILL NOT ABANDON MY LITTLE GUY! SO THESE SHIT-SAX HAD BETTER GET THEIR ACTS TOGETHER... REALLY FAST. Right now, my chest is “OK”... no “pounding pain”... for the moment. - Didn't get to the market today as I thought I might so... I'M INTO THE LAST OF THE FRENCH VANILLA before heading for the rack tonight. You know what? Why the fuck not? Eh? Hopefully I'll be there in about an hour anyway... - Oh... HAD to actually, physically BRING Yonah to get him to “seepie-nigh-night” tonight at 20.00! HE'S SO SILLY! HE'S SUCH A LOVE! I'm SO BLESSED! I can't even imagine moment's time with-out him... - So we set out sites on getting to the rack and having a GREAT DAY tomorrow... one way or another. I'm just so GOD-DAMNED TIRED SO GOD-DAMNED OFTEN! AND... tonight... first of the month, I'm just jotting notes which will have to be put together later... LATER! BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING TIRED ALL FUCKING DAY! - OH... I HIT THE NEW “OTC” CARD TODAY AND ORDERED A “BP/OXIMETER” FROM WALMARDE ON THE INSURANCE! (Went from 117 to 30$ before the card could register it! But HEY! It's there and I'm using it... No telling how much, how long I'll be able to... And now, MAYBE... if the shit works properly, I can monitor my own BP, pulse, and o2 sat. I'll have SOMETHING to “go on”. - 21.45 OFF TO THE RACK! THIS DAY IS DONE DONE DONE! FUCK FUCK FUCK!
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Sat.02.Apr: 6.27 Imagine this... up, coffee, dressed, breakfast served on the back gallery... -1/-7° out there this morning, with a bit of wind. It was a bit of a shock, compared to yesterday. But... it's only April... Not June... - Last night? Well... had to re-fill a lower-right tooth. These batches of “fillers” are the shitty shit again. But, if I'm pulling “bacteria” into the old blood stream from these horrid teeth...
6.31 “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo..hoo” MY HEART-AND SOUL IS UP AND READY AND OUR DAY IS ON “COMMENCE”!!! WOOHOO INDEED! AND HE'S CHATTY TOO! WOOHOO-HOO-HOO!
9.45 I just had the first “taste” of the cigarette I'd “started” last night before end-of-day... “Taste”, because I'm not inhaling. But, no matter, really, I don't think I could tolerate inhaling anything at this point. My chest feels like “broken glass” is in there... Come to think of it, it's the very same feeling I used to get when I'd go down to Pine Street to fetch the post. I wonder... I do... even to the “drippy sinuses”. I wonder... I do... Anyway... the cigarettes-thing really IS just a matter of the “taste” and the “habit” and nothing more nor less. But I can't get Bob Taylor out of my mind... MRSA through the “brain-blood barrier”... and all the stupid “testing”... And now I'm here and the longer all of the necessities are delayed, the less-likely anything will be “treatable”. I'm losing faith, confidence and trust... especially remembering how, when I mentioned Bob to Demuro, Demuro all but dismissed. I'm NOT feeling at all too “good” about any of this. But... we shall see... (I wonder what I'd get out of “medical malpractice”... considering it's “UVM”... DOLTS... the lot of them.) It's time to seriously plan on being in hospital for at least and over-night... Deborah sent an e-mail last evening saying that “we're here”. I'm sure “they” are, but, I need to make things “easier” where Yonah is concerned. Access to the windows, to close them at night so that he's not being BLASTED with that street light; figuring out the “water” situation... because I'm sure nobody is going to do the “water relay” for his pool water. “Companionship”... will Deborah, who isn't feeling well these days either, spend ANY time with him during the day? And what of “tuck-in” at night? Bird-songs? Radio? They don't understand... there's over a year's learning on the web-site... I need to get that concentrated into easier, quicker reading. There's a LOT I NEED to get done... and so much... well... let's just look at this Journal... I'm still behind even now... “notes” yesterday... - And, some-how, my mind seems to be “slipping”... there's a gear or two that just doesn't “catch”. Just as I was having the lie-down this morning I noticed that I can have one thought to ponder and suddenly, 3, 4 or more other, stupid, ridiculous thoughts, really, BASH AND SLAM into my mind, and ALL the thoughts and idea start to “whirl” as if at the bottom of a blender. I can almost “see” that happening and am aware of it happening but... and now I'm wondering if I'm talking bull-shit ever... like in the midst of a sentence? “They” say that if it's disphasia or apraxia the person who has it/them is aware. So? HEY! When Oma was “slipping”, I remember her saying “You KNOW that what I'm saying isn't making any sense so stop pretending that it does!” So... I have that much to work with/on. Anyway.... at least I'm still able to type this, got the laundry done, “morning routine” for Yonah... and I don't have to get behind the wheel of the truck today. And... if snoozes are called for... so be them! - Meanwhile... there's nothing much I can “do” about any of this, being stuck with the local lunatics (am I paranoid now too?). And if things get “bad”... Emergency! I HAVE to remember that... Blue Cross will become pissed-off if ER trips become too frequent. So? So... just so long as I'm not “admitted”... for more than 24 hours. AND... IF this IS endocarditis... the IV Tx CAN be done “at home”! So... better to be “at home” than in hospital where there's threat of MRSA and shit. We shall see what we shall see. - Now? I have TWO Journals to get to and a little story so-far called “1974”, And the sun is shining and Yonah is here and... nothing else really matters... really. - 15-FUCKING-39 ALL-FUCKING-READY! AND ALL I'VE FUCKING MANAGED TO DO WITH THE ENTIRE FUCKING DAY IS TAKE 30-FUCKING-MINUTE-FUCKING-NAPS! FUCKING SUN IS FUCKING SHINING ALL FUCKING DAY! POOR YONAH... HERE IN THE ROOM WITH ME ON THE FUCKING FUTON... FUCKING NAPPING! I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN CURRENT WITH HIS JOURNAL. AND NOW IT'S ALMOST FUCKING TIME TO START FUCKING EVENING MEAL AND I'M FUCKING TIRED AFTER WAKING FROM ANOTHER FUCKING 30-MINUTE FUCKING NAP ONLY ABOUT 15 FUCKING MINUTES AGO! I'M FUCKING DISGUSTED WITH ME! NO SMOKING, SO THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM. AND I WAS FEELING “OK” FOR MOST OF THE DAY WHICH IS WHY I HAVEN'T GONE FOR A FUCKING CIGARETTE! HAD A BIT OF PRUNE JUICE BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING BLOCKED AND WHEN THAT STARTED TO KICK IN I WAS FEELING QUITE FUCKING GOOD FOR A FUCKING LITTLE FUCKING WHILE BUT THEN I GOT FUCKING TIRED FROM THE FUCKING SHITTING AND HAD A FUCKING LIE-DOWN ONLY TO FUCKING WAKE UP AND HAVE TO THINK ABOUT FUCKING EVENING MEAL AT THE END OF A FUCKING DAY AGAIN! AND THERE'S NO FUCKING ROOM FOR A FUCKING SHELF IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN TO MAKE ACCESS TO THE FUCKING TOASTER OVEN FUCKING EASIER BECAUSE I CAN'T USE THAT FUCKING WALL TO THE FUCKING PEE-FUCKING-OH BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING BANGING ON IT WHEN THEY FUCKING USE THE TOWEL DISPENSER! AND THE FUCKING OUT-LET ON THAT FUCKING WALL IS IN THE WRONG FUCKING PLACE FOR THE FUCKING TOASTER FUCKING OVEN. NEEDLESS, I FUCKING MIGHT GUESS, TO FUCKING SAY... I'M FUCKING AT WITS' FUCKING END AND ON THE FUCKING EDGE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW... MY FUCKING CHEST IS FUCKING TIGHTENING FROM AGGRAVATION. I DON'T DARE GO FOR A FUCKING SMOKE AT THIS FUCKING POINT BECAUSE AFTER A DAY OF NOT HAVING ONE OTHER THAN THIS MORNING'S “TASTE”, I'LL BE IN FUCKING MISERABLE FUCKING HELL BETWEEN THE HEAD-SPINNING AND THE CHEST FEELING AS THOUGH IT'S FUCKING COLLAPSING. IF I COULD DO THAT, I'D GO BACK TO FUCKING DRINKING... I WONDER IF I CAN FUCKING AFFORD THAT THESE FUCKING DAYS. AND THE FUCKING SUN IS SHINING AND... OH FUCK JUST FUCK!!! - 16.58 MY fucking chest is fucking tight. My fucking nose is fucking dripping. There's a fucking fish-steak in the fucking toaster oven... fucking vegetables on the fucking hob... fucking “evening fucking meal” all-fucking-ready... what a fucking waste of a great fucking day. I'm fucking fed-the-fuck-up with me! If I could handle it.. I'd have a fucking smoke but... let's see how fucking “dinner” turns the fuck out. Shall the fuck we? - 21.32 Swordfish for dinner... with Yonah! YAY! of course! Not bad... though repeating a bit. - Yonah's Journal is posted... I just have to work on the photo pages. - Took a naproxen... tight in the upper chest now... but not in PAIN... (yet). - Furnace running. Not too cold tonight thankfully. - Glad that Yonah's Journal is caught up... this one needs work next... tomorrow. Not in the mood. - 22.31 Off to the rack. No matter how I try... I keep thinking “22.00 IN bed, at the latest”... but where the time goes and what I do with it? NO CLUE! “Time” slips by... too God-damned quickly! Just TOO TOO God-damned quickly! during the day. Going into the night. Through the night... TOO TOO BLOODY-FUCKING GOD-DAMNED QUICKLY! (To think... Before Yonah... it just wouldn't go quickly enough... It really IS all just “relative”...)
Sun.03.Apr: (19.37 I haven't done much of anything all fucking day but snooze, nap and doze. I DID manage to make bread and get to market... but I've just felt like complete SHIT all day... so, there's a LOT that I have to “catch-up” with and on... I've only JUST gotten Yonah's site current... with photos and such... BUT... I HAVEN'T done HIS Journal yet today... and I've been out of bed from since 5.30 this morning!)
Last night... I was JUST going off into sleep when... BANG CRASH AGAINST THE KITCHEN/LOO WALL BY THE WASHER/DRYER ALCOVE! I'VE NO IDEA WHAT, EXACTLY, THAT SHIT WAS ALL ABOUT BUT THE CLOCK ON THE WALL IN THE BED-ROOM READ “11.00PM”... SO... “WAR” IS NO OFFICIALLY DECLARED AND WHAT-EVER I CAN FIGURE OUT TO “RECIPROCATE” THE INCONSIDERATION WILL BE PUT INTO ACTION. THAT FAT, FUCKING PIECE OF USELESS IN-BRED AFTER-BIRTH NEEDS TO... JUST BE ADDRESSED... AND ADDRESSED... IT SHALL BE! - THE ONLY SAVING GRACE WAS THAT YONAH WASN'T STARTLED BECAUSE, WELL, HAD HE BEEN... IT'S DOUBTFUL THAT I'D BE TYPING THIS TODAY... THIS BUILDING WOULD BE NOTHING TODAY! I'M TRULY REALLY HONESTLY COMPLETELY FED-THE-FUCK-UP WITH THIS SHIT HERE! -
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(Tue.05.Apr: 13.36) 6.31 and “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo”. Not the usual-of-recently longer calls but as long as there's a call at all, and my Heart-and-Soul is well and fine, the day is worth waking to! - Managed to make it to the market this morning. Left at about 10.30 and was back by 11.15... Yeah... I got into the truck, it started, it ran, I rolled... ROLLED... I HATE leaving Yonah... I'm getting worse about leaving the house at all. I'd REALLY LIKE to leave this shit-box... furnishings and such all together, Yonah and I on the front seat of a U-Haul, if need be and just LEAVE to go some-where else, but... as long as my Little Guy is here.... here is where we'll be. But at least I managed to make it out today... to market. These days, making it across the floor... room-to-room in the shit-box is an accomplishment. This pain, fatigue... and a fucking worthless “medical”... well, the truth of the matter is: I went to market thinking about going to the ER. In fact, I'd even showered for ER. What stopped me? Mostly thinking: it's Sunday... the fuktards will do an EKG... but there won't be anybody to read it, they'll do a chest x-ray... but there won't be anybody to read it... they'll do blood-work... but there won't be anybody to read it... and ALL of it will simply go to Demuro... when-ever he shows up for what-ever... and mean-while... “It's stress” because everything is showing “fine”... So I thought, let me see how I manage at the market... and if I feel horrible there... I can either roll over to the ER or be hauled out on a stretcher... I made it... there, through and back... AND I'M REALLY QUITE HAPPY ABOUT IT TOO BECAUSE YONAH AND I WERE SO TOGETHER ALL DAY TODAY! I MEAN... REALLY! HE WANTED TO BE “CLOSE”, TO PLAY... !!! - 15.53 (from the notes...) Naps have been EXCEPTIONALLY FRIGHTENING TODAY... I LAY DOWN AND AS I DRIFT OFF TO WHAT'S USUALLY A HALF-SNOOZE/DOZE I LITERALLY FEEL AS THOUGH I'M BEING PULLED FROM LIFE.... PULLED OUT OF THIS EXISTENCE... PULLED INTO A DEATH I'LL NEVER WAKE FROM AND MOST OF THE WHOLE DAY HAS BEEN LITTLE MORE THAN NAPS! 30 MINUTES AT A TIME... AND NOT EVEN “NAPS” BECAUSE I LAY DOWN AND NO SOONER START TO “DOZE” AND THAT DRIFTING JUST FEELS SO HORRIFIC! FLOATING... AND A FEAR! TERROR! IF I WERE TO JUST “GIVE UP” THESE DAYS... I'D “GO”... BE “GONE”... IT ALL JUST FEELS AS THOUGH I'M ACTUALLY “TERMINAL”. AND YONAH WANTING TO BE WITH ME ALL THE TIME JUST MAKES ME WONDER ALL THE MORE. IS THERE SOMETHING THAT HE KNOWS? TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS... THE ONLY... ONLY... ***** ONLY ***** REASON THAT I BOTHER TO “FIGHT” THIS ALL IS... I MUST AND WILL BE HERE FOR YONAH... FOR AS LONG AS HE TAKES BREATH, I'LL BE HERE... FIGHTING TO BE HERE... FOR HIM... AND WHEN HE NO LONGER TAKES BREATH... WE CAN BOTH BE OFF... TO WHAT-EVER IS AFTER THIS SHIT-SHOW OF OURS... OTHER THAN YONAH, THERE'S NOTHING... NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS, NOTHING ELSE.
Other-wise... I did manage to make 2 small loaves of bread today... Use the “frozen” eggs to see how it turned out. Well? It isn't bad but something... the second rise wasn't enough and as they baked, they rose... UP but not out to fill the pan! They look odd but they turned-out OK... - OH... SOMETHING TOOK THE FEEDER OFF THE BACK GALLERY! WOODEN FRAME AND ALL, LAST NIGHT! AND SOMETHING TRIED TO PLOUGH THROUGH THE FENCE FROM THE 'MORON'S” SIDE! I WONDER IF THAT WASN'T THE CRASH LAST NIGHT! STILL I WONDER WHAT IT WAS AND WHY IT ATTACKED THE FENCE AND THE FEEDER! THIS FUCKING SHIT BOX MAKES ME SICK (AND IT'S PROBABLY WHAT'S MAKING ME SO *DAMNED* SICK.) Well... -
CHECKED OIL TODAY... NOT BAD. Down, of course, some-what noticeable, BUT THE FURNACE KEEPS FUCKING RUNNING! It's NOT THAT cold... out there or in here! WHAT in Fuck's name is going on in this bordello? I also, whilst “down there”, FIGURED THE CONFIG OUT OF INTAKE OUT ... THERE WAS A “PULL” DUCT OPEN! I'D COVERED IT BACK WHEN I WAS COVERING ALL THE OPENINGS WITH FOIL! AND NOW THAT I KNOW WHERE THEY BELONG... TO GET FILTRES... FIGURE WHERE THE STENCH OF FUEL IS COMING FROM... KRISTE! THIS PLACE ISN'T WORTH THE EFFORT. - I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS FUCKING DAY IS ALMOST GONE AND I GET NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED. - I DID MANAGE TO CODE 15 MORE PHOTO PAGES FOR YONAH''S SITE.... BUT NOW AT 15.57 I HAVE NOTHING ON EITHER JOURNAL FOR THE ENTIRE DAY! (I want a cigarette... A DAMNED CIGARETTE! but they hurt so...) - DEBORAH PHONED AT ABOUT 17.15 THIS EVENING TO CHECK ON ME! I'D MENTIONED GOING TO THE ER AND SHE CALLED TO CHECK! IMAGINE! TODAY IS HER BIRTHDAY... SHE... 1950! - 19.32 THAT FUCKING WASTE NEXT DOOR IS FUCKING BANGING... HAMMERING? POUNDING SOMETHING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF YONAH'S WALL! OH... TONIGHT'S GOING TO BE SOME KIND OF FUN... AND IF NOT TONIGHT... TOMORROW MORNING... I'LL SEE TO THAT... FUCKING SHAME THAT IT FUCKING SLEEPS IN THE BACK OF THE FUCKING HOUSE BUT... WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING... THERE ARE “THINGS”... AND I'M THINKING ABOUT A LOT OF THEM EVEN IF I HAVE TO “VENT” THE HOUSE OVER THERE... AND I'M WORKING ON JUST HOW TO GET TO THAT... FUCKING SHAME I CAN'T FLUSH THE TOILET DIRECTLY INTO THE WASHER OVER THERE... YET. - 19.39 SHE'S STILL FUCKING AT IT! SO... SHE'D BEST HOPE SHE DOESN'T FUCK WITH YONAH TONIGHT... I'M IN NOOOOOOOOO FUCKING MOOD FOR HER SHIT! - 21.08 Only JUST getting Yonah's Journal done... I'm going to have my ice cream... I've had a naproxen... and I'll be off to the rack... Not at the 21.30 I'd hoped for but... I'M FUCKING TIRED! AT LEAST THAT SHIT NEXT DOOR HAS STOPPED (for now... lucky... and not for me). - 22.31 I'm done with this day! Really... Time to head to the rack. I'm just fed-up with me... Not so much the world... ME! And I' have a SHIT-LOAD of catching-up to do on these Journals! THIS one is all the text... Yonah? Photos mostly. But I'm such a waste! And mostly to Yonah... I'm becoming a SHIT for a companion! I HAVE TO FIGHT THIS... AND, OBVIOUSLY, I'LL BE FIGHTING IT ALONE...
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Mon.04.Apr: 6.10 ALL NIGHT... AGAIN... ALL NIGHT... AGAIN... EACH AND EVERY HOUR.... FROM MID-NIGHT ON... ALL NIGHT... AGAIN... ALL NIGHT... AGAIN... EACH... AND... EVERY... HOUR... MID-NIGHT... 1-SOMETHING... 2-SOMETHING... 3-SOMETHING... 4-SOMETHING... 5-SOMETHING... AND THEN... THE ALARMS... 5.30... 5.45... 6.00... AND THEY'RE 15 MINUTES AHEAD OF THE CLOCK ON THE WALL WHICH IS ABOUT 7 MINUTES AHEAD OF THE OTHER CLOCKS IN THE HOUSE... BUT... 1-SOMETHING... 2-SOMETHING... 3-SOMETHING... 4-SOMETHING... AND THEN... THEN ALARMS... AND I WANT TO STAY IN BED... BECAUSE IT'S COMFORTABLE, AND I FEEL COMFORTABLE AND THERE'S NO PAIN... UNTIL... I THINK OF HOW COMFORTABLE I AM AND THAT I'M NOT IN ANY PAIN AND... COMES THE PAIN... THE HAMMER TO THE CHEST AND THEN... IT'S TIME TO GET UP, OUT OF THE BED... THEN... AFTER... ALL NIGHT... AGAIN... ALL NIGHT... AGAIN... ALL NIGHT... ... ... ... ... AGAIN. - I'm up, dressed, having coffee... How? - And SO far behind in journals, never mind what-ever else there is that I'm probably forgetting. The left ear is itching... can't figure why... oh... but yesterday, when I showered, I knew there was something I was supposed to do after and didn't... swab the ear with alcohol. Ah hah... OK... something I ought to do during the day. Oh well... - Time to get on with things...
6.18 HERE WE GOOOOOOOOO !!!!! * BOOM * ON THE CHEST... * CRUNCH * ON THE THROAT... AND * WOOSH * GOES THE BRAIN, OFF ROUND THE ROOM, UP TO THE CEILING, SUSPENDED LIKE A CHILD'S LOST HELIUM BALLOON. TYPING IS “OFF”... SPELLING IS “OFF”... CO-ORDINATION IS “OFF”... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO “WOOSHY-WORLD” WHERE, FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, YOUR FEET MAY NEVER TOUCH EARTH, YOUR THOUGHTS WILL BE SPUN ROUND AND MIXED TOGETHER LIKE CONFETTI IN A WHIRL-WIND. COME SEE THE MUSIC, LISTEN TO THE COLOURS! AND BE CAREFUL TO MIND WITH WHOM YOU SPEAK BECAUSE THERE REALLY IS NO TELLING WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH ANY MORE... THESE DAYS! HEY! YOU'VE JUST HAD THE BEST 8 MINUTES OF YOUR DAY... KISS THAT SHIT “GOOD-BYE”... IT'S ALL “THUDS” TO THE HEART, LIMP ARMS, BLURRY VISIONS AND... WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU'VE BEEN HAVING SOME GOOD NIGHTS WITH-OUT THOSE HORRID LEG CONTRACTIONS. EH? YOU CAN'T... YOU SIMPLY ABSOLUTELY CANNOT HAVE EVERYTHING! (FUCK... YOU CAN'T EVEN HAVE A CIGARETTE!) AND ON WITH THE DAY... SIT DOWN, STRAP IN, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ... * A &#)$^ WAAAAAAAY ^#_)*$%^@ WE ^&^&$( GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....... ^$##$%^((&$@!
10.14 I DON'T BELIEVE THIS... I MANAGED TO MOVE THE ORANGE TREE... WELL... LOWER IT, BECAUSE THE NEW GROWTH IS TOUCHING THE CEILING, AND “DEEP HOOVERED” YONAH'S ROOM WITH A QUICK PASS OVER THE REST OF THIS SHIT-BOX. AND DEBORAH WAS BY THIS MORNING AND STOPPED TO “CHAT” AND LEAVE AN ARTICLE FROM “THE TIMES” ABOUT CHRONIC, DEBILITATING FATIGUE R/T MIGRAINES THOUGH. BUT... I GOT SOMETHING DONE TODAY! AND THE SUN IS SHINING AND YONAH'S BEEN WITH ME ALL THROUGH AND I HAD A 45-MINUTE SNOOZE EARLIER ONE BEFORE ALL THIS HAPPENED. AN HERE WE ARE! (ready for another snooze... damn-it!) OH, LOAN PAID FOR THIS MONTH TOO! If I could get rid of the “pain” in the shoulders... IF I HAD ANY FAITH OR CONFIDENCE IN DEMURO... or any “health folk” these days. - Well? Time for another snooze before it gets late... - 15.18 ANOTHER DAY... FUCK! BUT... I DID CALL NYSEG, GOT A TICKET NUMBER FOR THE STREET LIGHT. FOUND OUT THAT THERE WERE NO “PARTICULALRS” RECORDED BUT THEY ARE NOW! - THERE'S A BATCH OF “DOUGH” MIXED FOR “SHORTBREAD” COOKIES, IN A BOWL, ON THE COUNTER, IN THE KITCHEN... I'M WAITING FOR THE FLOUR TO “TAKE” THE BUTTER BEFORE FRIDGING AND BAKING... WHAT-EVER... - HAD T SNOOZES TODAY BUT FOR MOST OF THE MORNING I WAS ***** AWAKE ***** AND FEELING *** OK *****.... AND THEN CAME... ***** BANG ***** AND... FUCKED AGAIN... I'm not sure WHAT brings this on but what-ever it is... well... ISN'T IT INTERESTING THAT THERE'S BEEN ***** NO FUCKING WORD FROM “DEMURO'S OFFICE ***** ????? - I have a SHIT-load of catch-up to get to so.... -
16.37 The BP/Oximeter/Thermo arrived. Quite lovely... perfect for the price... as it were. o2 sat? 98-95... BP? 97/63 (I think that has to be one again, else-where.) But there we have it. - 19.05 Well... meal's over and I've had two “”tastes” of a cig all day. And I'm OH so tired... BUT I'VE DONE MY HOME-WORK... AND... I'VE DISCOVER THAT THIS “STATIN” FOR THE CHOLESTEROL IS KNOWN TO KNOCK BLOOD PRESSURE DOWN! SPIFFY FOR PEOPLE WITH HIGH BP... NOT SO MUCH FOR FOLKS WHO START OUT LOW... AND SO... THERE'S MY MORE RECENT FATIGUE. AS FOR THE FATIGUE BEFORE THIS? WELL... LOW BP AND ALL THE OTHER SHIT... - AND... THAT “SLEEP TEST” BULL-SHIT FUCKERIE? THEY CALLED AGAIN, THIS EVENING... I DON'T SEE IT MENTIONED BY BLUE CROSS SO... I'M NOT BOTHERING... NOT TO MENTION, THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ANY THOUGHT ABOUT THE FOLLOW-UP CT SCAN OF THE LUNG... NOR THE ECHO. TIME TO QUICKLY FIND ANOTHER MD... ***** QUICKLY *****! BEFORE ANY FURTHER DAMAGE IS DONE. FUCK! HERE WE GO AGAIN... FROM SCRATCH! ALBANY? HERE I COME! SO IT SEEMS. - 20.47 Yonah's Journal is current. He's been tucked-in from about 19.50 this evening... I'm tired.. So nothing new there... but achy in the neck and stuffy in the nose. - There's that “mixture” for the “short-breads” on the stove-top for the night... letting the flour absorb the butter. And to think... I BOUGHT FUCKING EGGS TO MAKE COOKIES AND MADE SHORT-FUCKING-BREADS! I might add a couple eggs anyway... and see how it turns out. We shall see... tomorrow... - I STILL HAVE A SHIT-LOAD of catch-up on this journal, but for the most part... it's done... my life and days are Yonah anyway and as I say... HIS Journal is current... save a couple of photos from today... Oh... and ALL of his photos and videos up to this morning... backed-up! YAY! - Saw that thing from next door today... out on the main... FUCK ME... but the McFuknutz were out strolling and then that one heads out and sure as shit don't they “meet” in the drive! Well? I'll just HAVE to make MY walks in the morning... and I really MUST get to them! The exercise is “needed” now. (I just can't spend too much time at Dan's anymore... for a while... there's one cigarette left and I will NOT piss away money on more! I don't “need” them... and I can't really actually 'smoke” them any more... with this chest... and Dan smokes so much, not to mention the clothes have to be washed when I visit there... so... Walks in the morning... I have to get more river water anyway...) - Other than that... the day is done... time for a nosh a brit and rack... Let's see how the “hourly wake-ups” run tonight... this will be the third night in a row... - And tomorrow? We'll try to catch-up... again. - 2.02 Day's done. I'm done... it ain't a “grand” hour to get to the rack but it's better than mid-night... I'd say.
Tue.05.Apr: 6.10 Let's just say that it was another “typical” night, last. Started with 22.30-ish and the PO lights blaring in because something or someone did something out there that sounded like trying to get in through the window. So I laid there, in bed, listening for the follow-up... My BP wasn't too awfully low then.. I could hear my heart beating. - Next? 23.30... 24.40... 1-something, 2-something... and on through the night. Yesterday I'd wondered: the contractions were coming on a “schedule” of about every 2 hours... am I unconsciously making sure that I don't sleep for 2 hours at any point so to avoid the contractions? Oh, what-ever it is... it is.. - Meanwhile... it's another day and I seem to be having a horrid time of typing this morning. Not sure why but I am. Have had coffee... am dressed... pissed-off already about the echo. But thankfully, not in PAIN! YET... Tired? Oh yes... but not in pain... YET. - Pissed about the fucking “Town Supervisor” lying... Pissed about the fucking street light. Pissed about the “sleep test” that I'm NOT going for. Pissed about the echo that would tell SO much more but... Pissed that I'm now looking at looking for another MD... Pissed that I'll be looking in Albany, 2 hours away... Pissed because of the wear on the truck.... Pissed because of the cost of gas to get there and back... Pissed about being in this shit-shack... Pissed because of health in general... Pissed in general... and... HELLO? CHEST IS COMPRESSING... THROAT IS TIGHTENING... ARMS ACHING... AND THE MORNING IS NOW “OFFICIALLY” OPEN! RAISE THE SHADES, THE FLAGS, TURN ON THE LIGHTS, OPEN THE DOORS. I'M FEELING LIKE SHIT! HOORAH AND HUZZAH! - I've a shit-load of catching-up to do so... - 10.47 Well... that “stuff” I mixed yesterday, thinking I'd call it “shortbread” is baked.... I slapped 4 eggs into it, made a mess, managed to get it so that I could roll it out and “cut” with a glass... baked at 350F x 15 mins and, it's “cooked”. Taste? Not for public, but just fine enough for me. It passed the morning... after my 20-minute snooze after getting Yonah's house together. - And he's in a “togetherness” mood this morning, coming out to the kitchen, and REALLY WANTING TO PLAY! I'm feeling “OK” today but like a complete SHIT when it comes to being a “Companion” to him so... There's much I want to catch-up with on Journals and such but... YONAH TIME! - 13.01 Had a snooze and tried the new “canola mayo” with the “hahdberld” eggs... on the bread and... ICK. Don't like it. - Anyway... I NEED to MUST get these Journals up! I'm tired of being pissed at me because of being tired all the time. - Having and “OK” sort of day. No REAL PAIN... though there IS the slight “ballpeen” hammer to the heart. And I'm finding it rather telling... no word from the “Doctor”... fucking shit-sack, that one. - Oh well... Off to what has to be done.... - YONAH IS IN ANOTHER “TOGETHER” DAY TOO! IT'S WONDERFUL! I'M ALMOST TEMPTED TO PUT HIS “OLD HOUSE” TOGETHER, AND THE TWO OF US TAKE A ROLL TO DEBORAH'S OR SOMETHING. But it's a bit on the chilly and grey side today... One of these days though... As he flies to my head as I type. - 14.19 FINALLY CAUGHT THE FUCK UP! And there's a bit of sun shining. Yonah's been busy “constructing” again... sadly... on the food shelf... and all his work goes into the fountain. I don't know where else to put something for him... And he's even coming along on my shoulder when I have to go to the loo today! Oh my... - Other-wise... there's still that “banging” on/in my chest but at least it isn't as bad as it's been before... I'm just trying to stay awake! Having a “café botz”! Bustello works very well for that! - It doesn't feel like Tuesday today... more like a week-end... but my brain is so fucked-up any more. I'd like a smoke... but my chest won't take it any more... I wonder how much “damage” is in there... a CT would be nice. The bloody echo would have been appreciated... and here it is... Tuesday... 6 days after the echo was SUPPOSED to be done and... not a blip from the “clinic”... FUCKING SHITS! - Time for me to move along... Yonah's journal next! - 14.31 THAT INSTIGATING SHIT “NELL” JUST ROLLED BY... WITH HER LITTLE “BITCH”, DRIVING IN THEIR CONVERTIBLE! OH BUT I REALLY HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS SHIT-HOLE! OR ELSE... - 14.44 FINALLY... GOT THIS JOURNAL POSTED TO THE SERVER! LOOKS LIKE SHIT BUT, TRUTH IS... IT'S REFLECTIVE OF THE WAY THESE DAYS HAVE BEEN... OTHER THAN WITH YONAH... - OH! BUT WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE! (And I've been looking at places in Albany... to get out of this “UVM” bull-hit fuckerie... there ARE some “nice places” at and under 800/month... I just have to get me together and get the guts to go down there and look around... The truck has to be inspected in July though... Maybe then? I can only HOPE it passes! Meanwhile... One of these days I'll just have to toss care and caution to the wind and head down... I don't want to move “south” again... but, if it means “PEACE”... and a nice, safe place for Yonah... - Now then.. on to Yonah's Journal works... I have more to post for images... He's been a RIOT all day. - Oh... I was going to go to market for something today... I remembered what... Salmon and pasta for meal tonight... there's chicken... in the freezer... Oh... and precious little for dessert. But that's all OK. - What I wouldn't do for a smoke but NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! - 21.02 Well? I was going to shower before Rack-time tonight but I'm not so sure now... What I'd REALLY like right now is a FUCKING CIGARETTE! BUT... (a) I haven't any and (b) it's just a matter of “wanting” and not anything else and (c) I hacked something “brown” up earlier and if it's “cleaning”, then fine... but with the apathy of this shit-bag in the “clinic”... I'm not sure when I'll get that follow-up CT, never mind the echo (which I might have to follow-up on/with at the insurance...) So... I'm having those “cookies” I “did” this morning with a ginger tisane. - MEANWHILE... YONAH'S SITE IS SO UP TO DATE... INCLUDING FIVE VIDEOS FROM TODAY! (Sadly, FireFox browser doesn't seem to be able to handle the Video Page with all the videos on there, but Brave is doing OK... although THAT gets stuck with all sorts of old shit so editing the coded pages is difficult but never mind all that... YONAH'S JOURNAL IS CURRENT TONIGHT!!! I JUST FINISHED IT ALL!) - AND WHAT A DAY IT WAS WITH YONAH TOO... I COULD HAVE DONE AN ENTIRE SITE ON IT BUT... THAT'S WHY THERE ARE FIVE VIDEOS ON THERE! I JUST PUT ALL OF TODAY'S RECORDINGS ON THE SITE BECAUSE THEY EXPLAIN IT ALL PERFECTLY! - In other news? I'm “feeling OK” I suppose. A tiny bit of a “thump” in the chest and tired, but... better than I've felt in many days... If I could shed the fatigue now... - To think... THE DOORS WERE OPEN TODAY... and I closed them this evening when the house didn't feel cool but the furnace kicked. No sense letting this old shit-box take another chill! (Although it's going to be fun, should Yonah and I be blessed with getting the fuck out of here before dead Winter next... using almost an entire tank of oil... and USE IT I WILL... I CAME IN WITH 1/8th... AND THAT'S WHAT I'M LEAVING BEHIND... UNLESS I CAN FIGURE A WAY TO TAKE IT WITH! FUCK! I'VE HALF A MIND TO EMPTY THE DAMNED TANK... JUST BECAUSE... AFTER ALL, THE MASS-HOLE OWES ME ABOUT 17 GALLONS OF PROPANE TOO! SO... I'LL GET THAT... ONE WAY OR ANOTHER... - Anyway... I want to post this to the server tonight and start tomorrow fresh. - I've plans for tomorrow... a little market, maybe a river run for water... and if possible, more mosses for Yonah! He's using what he has and... well... - Hopefully tomorrow will be sunny again too. There's rain for the rest of the week... and a touch of snow... Saturday night-Sunday. So I want the moss and water before that! - Anyway... off to posting this and then... MAYBE a Brit and shower... if not, well then... not then... I don't care and can't c are... Shame as it might be... - 21.16 All done. Caught up! (Again.) - 22.46 Nope... no shower... just rack. Oh well...
Wed.06.Apr: 6.20 Up and dressed and feeling “dusty” in the lungs. Left ear bothered me already this morning. Soaked it with alcohol. And now to see what kinds of shitterie and fuckerie today holds... BUT... I can always just stay in... with MY HEART-AND-SOUL... (for whom I want to get more mosses and another limb for the living-room... and... SO MUCH MORE). - Disturbing.... I woke, this morning, from...
The entire dream took place in DARKNESS... night, a rainy night, very, very, dark... black darkness...
There was some sort of trial going on, a “celebrity” had brutally murdered somebody and people were actually holding “house parties” where they gathered to watch the trial and the news coverage of the sordid thing. Me? I didn't give a shit. It didn't effect my life or being, other than it just annoyed me that so many people could be so shallow, so stupid, such mindless “followers” of such drivel. And to know that they were having “Watching Parties” only disgusted me more. I was, at the time, on a bus or train, some kind of public transport, with a LOT of others... We were all some sort of “Homeless”... stuffed on this transport, going to someplace but not really knowing where. But we weren't really “Homeless”, just some sort of “displaced”. It was terribly dark in the bus/wagon and there was clothing and all sorts of blankets and the likes all over the place. Some in bags, but most just tossed and strewn as it we'd been rushed in and just dropped what-ever we'd managed to gather and bring. I was looking for my own belongings in the mayhem and mess but couldn't find any. Everything was just ALL tossed ALL over the place. - I was wearing that green jacket that I dislike but is warm enough, and I knew that I'd had keys in the pocket... keys to the truck in particular, but I couldn't find them! They WERE in the pocket but they were gone now and I had NO idea where they could be or where I'd lost them! I found a set of keys... keys to some-where... a place or places where I'd resided many years ago, and on that set, ONE “truck” key.. but it was to the glove-box or something else, not the ignition... and the “fob” was gone, missing from the set. I had NO idea HOW THAT key, of ALL of them, would have gone lost! And why I had all those “old”, useless keys on the ring! I was annoyed, confused, perplexed... angry. - We were being told that we had to get off the transport for some reason. We hadn't arrived at any particular destination but we were being thrown off! I HAD to get off the bus/train... and I didn't have ANY of my own belongings because I couldn't find any in all the mess! I just HAD to leave... immediately, and so, along with the others, we “stuffed” our-selves through the door and out... We were at some sort of bus station... in the dark, rain, with no place to go to or be... - Next... I'd made it to the house where I was living/residing/staying/”assigned”... my “status” there was SO ambiguous! I was walking about, heading for the room that was “mine”, some-how... The house was lit, as from day-light out-side, through large ceiling-to-floor windows. It was an old, large, mansion-like house and there were others living in it. The others were all over the place, lounging, sleeping, sitting, milling about in just about every other room in the place. There were a LOT of others ALL over the house. Most of them had been at or held one of those “Watching Parties” all night and were just the general “useless” of somebody who'd pulled “all-nighters”. Now, I was to understand, some-how, that I was being put out of my room for no apparent or particular reason or cause. It was just a matter of somebody wanted me OUT and that's all that was necessary. I'd been away that night, not participating in the “Watching Parties” and the others knew that I had no interest in the parties or the matter of them and so, I HAD to be thrown out of the house! (It was almost like a “Lyle and Bob” situation... or “Gordon/Bob”, “Randy/Bob”... they just wanted me OUT... right then, there.) I walked into the room that was “mine”. It was VERY large, VERY high ceilings... painted a very pale grey/blue (really VERY much the same colour as Yonah's room is, as I think of it), and it was quite bright, particularly compared to the rest of the dream. There was a woman there when I arrived. She owned the house but didn't, some-how... She had “say” who stayed and who left, what went on about the place AND SHE HAD *TAKEN* THE ROOM! ALL of my clothes and other belongings were GONE! The closet/armoire had been emptied of ALL of my things and this woman had put HER clothes in there already. This woman addressed me, snarky but civil. She was getting ready to go out for the day and didn't care about me or my things... and apparently she had no idea where ANY of my belongings had gone, who'd removed them... she just didn't care. - I was in PAIN... thinking “ALL THOSE CLOTHES AND THINGS (mine) ARE GONE! THEY'RE ALL GONE AND I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO REPLACE THEM! I JUST WON'T. I DON'T HAVE ANY WAY TO REPLACE ANY OF ANYTHING!” - Suddenly... as dreams do, I was in the back yard... at 6690! It was early morning, a bit chilly, just slightly over-cast. I'd slept in the yard, on the ground all the night before... and I was naked. Apparently, it was “normal” so I wasn't surprised other than, for the first time I realised that “she”... the one who was in the “back flat” (the VT-thing at present) could SEE ME... standing there, at the moment, naked! I got down, face-down, on the ground, and started squirming/crawling to get to the back door... “my” back door. But it was obviously too late because she'd already seen me out there, naked, and knew that I'd slept out there thusly, many times before. I figured she'd complain to the owner... it was all a part of getting me out of the house... (Not that she was the one in the room... nor was the room in this house at 6690... this wasn't “physically” associated with the previous part of this dream other than the effort to get me out.) AND... THIS IS WHAT I WOKE FROM... shortly after having turned off the “6.00” alarm and dozing for a brief while...
7.15 Ready for a snooze... but I woke only once during the night... and just before the first alarm this morning so I slept... though it was almost mid-night.... - 10.05 Took the fucking “snooze”... 30 minutes... pissed away. Then, decided to try to make a new shelf for Yonah so that he can make his little “nest” on the food ledge... and after cutting a piece of wood and trying to measure plastic and such... all I did was take a piece of scrap plastic liner and attach with tape... AH BUT... THEN the little wedges that hold the shelf up? Well, the hooks came off, then the velcro... so I HAD to mix epoxy and put those on and... well... it's “done” and the shelf is up again and Yonah is on it and... THEN I decided to wash the table cloth because it needed it and so that's on the line and the sun is hazy this morning but it's supposed to go up to about 13 or 15° today and I should get to market and Kinney's and mosses and river water and I don't want to do ANY of it... I'd LIKE to just go back and go to sleep. And I don't know why I'm so tired again today other than... I'd like a cigarette but I'm “hacking” again... little “clots”,.. clear with those brown specks again... it's been a while with-out them... WTAF is going on here? I wonder what Blue Cross is doing about the echo. I'll have to call to follow-up on that I suppose. Nobody else gives a shit about anything. I shouldn't, but I have a responsibility! FUCK these shit-sax! ALL of them! (I'm really in the most foul moods lately... and I don't care.) - 19.19 Well? The day is done... almost... and I'm about to dig for the “RE-SMOKE” tonight. Why? Well... Spoke with another “Maria” at Blue Cross today (She said SHE is “Boston” and the previous Maria is “Brown”.)... The suggestion for taking care of the events with this echo? The echo is approved until 15 May... NEXT MONTH! FUCK! But Maria's suggestion... change Primaries. When I said I don't want to keep going to the ER, she said, calmly, “Sometimes you just have to do it that way.” I wonder how much of that the insurance will cover, but... Well... we almost did change the primary... There are some in Mineville, of all places, and the one she suggested is a woman... but a cardiologist... When I asked if this one is affiliated with the rest of them at the clinic she said no... this one is out of the hospital... BUT THAT''S STILL UVM AND I WANT OUT OF THIS SYSTEM! Anyway... Maria she said give it one more try, calling them... so I did... left a message with the “service”... Fucking shits. “I'll send a message over.” I just want the echo... I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON, CAUSING THIS PAIN! BUT I'LL MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE INCOMPETENT SHITS IF NEED BE... GOING TO THE ER WHEN-EVER! - Although... going to the ER is going to be a bit on the difficult side for a while...
I decided to head out to get water for the trees, and wanted to see if I could get closer to the river down at the “anglers'” place at Deborah's. WELL FUCK ME VERY MUCH ON TOP OF ALL ELSE... AS I WAS WALKING DOWN SIMONDS... I STOPPED TO LOOK UP AT A HAWK AND... THERE... ON THE PORCH... “IT” WAS SITTING... It had been “gardening” too, how charming. ANYWAY... WE CHATTED... I'm being civil, at the very least. But talking with that thing just sickens me... She's daft... For example: I mentioned the “ticket” on the call about the street light... SHE SWEARS IT'S BEEN 'TILTED” AWAY FROM THE HOUSE AND THAT IT'S DIMMER. NOTHING'S BEEN DONE ABOUT THAT LIGHT EVER... BUT... NEVER MIND. (At least I got to tell her about the house shifting and warned her about the hornets, wasps, &c. up-stairs... over her too. - OK... SO... I GET INTO THE TRUCK AND HEAD DOWN TO DEBORAH'S AND I NOTICE THAT THE BRAKES ARE “SOFT”... REALLY SOFT! BUT... I KEEP ROLLING, THINKING THAT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE THE TRUCK HASN'T BEEN RUN IN A FEW DAYS AND IT'S COLD... GOT TO THE RIVER, PARKED IN THE “ANGLERS'” PARKING AND WALKED TO THE RIVER WITH 4 JUGS AND THE WALMART CONTAINER... AND GOT ALL OF THEM COMPLETELY FILLED! WOOHOO! GOT BACK INTO THE TRUCK AND HEADED UP INTO TOWN... I WANTED TO GET TO KINNEY'S AND MARKET FOR SOME THINGS AND...
I PULL INTO THE LOT AT THE MARKET AND HAD ALL TO DO TO STOP THE TRUCK!!! PARKED FACING THE FENCE AND... *** BANG *** NO FUCKING BRAKES A-FUCKING-GAIN !!! RED LIGHT ON THE DASH AND ALL !!! A-FUCKING-GAIN! AND NOW... MEDICAL TROUBLES? APPOINTMENTS? WHAT THE FUCK? AND MY CHEST WENT **** BANG ***** TOO! JUST WHAT THE FUCK I FUCKING NEED... MORE AGGRAVATION! AND NO FUCKING WAY I CAN AFFORD ANOTHER BRAKE JOB UNTIL NEXT MONTH! SO... HERE WE FUCKING GO A-FUCKING-GAIN !!! Well then, OK then... I went to Kinney's and got MOST of what I wanted to get there (realised I'd forgotten the shampoo... when I got back to the shit-box_ and toddled over to market... where... in the aisle... Dan! We chatted about all of our “old men” complaints. He mentioned that the fuktardz at the clinic “you wait forever and a day before they get back to you” so this apathy and negligence is “common” to that fucking waste-land. Social-fucking-medicine! We're ALL just “commodities” and ALL are disposable and replaceable. Fuck! So yes, indeed... it WILL be me off to the ER... instead of going to the “Primary”... Demuro's just one of those, what social media refers to as a “Non-participating character”... those “non-personalities” that are drawn into video games as space-fillers. Anyway... I told him about the brakes and he offered to follow me back to the shit-box... Now... when we went to check out there was ONE registre open and people with trollies FULL! FINALLY, Ann came over, opened a registre... I let Dan go ahead... we'd been standing there for the longest while... and when I got there, I tossed things on the belt, went to pack... in a rush, throwing things here and there. And when I got out-side... there was a 13$ pckg of chicken int he “seat” of the trolley... I'd forgotten to put it on the belt! Well... I just threw it into the tote and away... Hey! Chicken... SURELY NOT WORTH THE 13$ (and that's with discount! FUCK!) but there it is! - AND... I made it back to the shit-box... as I've done often before... with-out brakes. And Dan was there at the end of the drive. We chatted briefly... and he was off and I was back in... BLOODY 15.30 al-fucking-ready! So I threw the few items where they some-what belong (groceries and Kinneys stuff) and went in to YONAH!... until it was time to throw “meal” together... and that? Well... again... veg, pasta, salmon... and ice cream after because I'd gotten some at market. -
OH OH OH OH OH HAD ONE OF YONAH'S WINDOWS OPEN TODAY! THE SUN WAS SHINING, IT WAS WARM... I OPENED THE BOTTOM “WEST” WINDOW! AIR CIRCULATING IN YONAH'S ROOM TODAY! AND HE'S IN “BUILDING MODE” AGAIN ALL DAY... AND “TOGETHER MODE” TOO... IT'S PRECIOUS! But we had to change the pool water during the day because of the “construction” items in there. And I've put in a “new shelf” for his food, because that's where he's “building”. It's a larger piece of that underlayment... We'll see how this works out. POOR LITTLE GUY! All that work and it all falls apart! So we'll try and see what we can do for him. - 20.37 I've got more notes jotted here... that I typed quickly at 19.19.. and now... I'm finishing Yonah's journal but I'm wasting again... I need a lie-down! FUCK! I'M SO FUCKING TIRED! - 21.02 I took 10 minutes on the futon in the living-room and actually got a bit of a “snooze” in there. Yonah's journal is posted. - I ran the furnace for a moment to take the “evening chill” out of the house and now... I'm going to have a bit of ice cream and head to the rack. I'm EXHAUSTED and ANNOYED BECAUSE OF THE TRUCK AND THE DAY'S EVENTS WITH THIS INSURANCE AND MEDICAL BULL-SHIT BUT... AND.... I did roll a “re-smoke”, with a bit of filtre... and NO, I CANNOT INHALE that any more... it's painful. But the “taste” was enough... and there's more in the jar so... - I'm off to a nosh... have had a naproxyn. As I told Dan today: were it not for Yonah... I'd get into that truck, head into the mountains and take the first sharp turn over... - 22.44 Off to the rack... Well? There really isn't anything I can do about anything really... and, it wasn't all that long ago when, in the ice and the snow I was rolling about with brakes so... Just no trips to Plattsburgh... or Albany... for a while... what-ever! (Just as long as I get the brakes done for inspection AND the exhaust holds!) So on that thought... at least I had a quick shower today... and the undies are on the rack to dry tonight. There. - Oops... forgot to close the cellar up again tonight... Oh well... and by the by... a 4x4 is down... fucking shit-box, this.
Thu.07.Apr: 6.21 Dressed and all. Tired... and all. Slept through last night so of course, I'm tired... But here I am, we are, it is... trucks with no brakes, me with no money, BUT... there's my Little Guy and we'll be together today... If the rains aren't really bad, I'll toddle for more mosses. We're full of waters! I've got Journals to catch-up, codings, listings, stuff... to do in the house... and a nap (naps, f course) to take. So? So... - 10.38 I went in to Yonah this morning, at about 7.00, when I hadn't heard “the call”. He was awake, but, it's another “dark and dreary” sort of day, drizzly, so he probably wanted to “sleep-in” for a bit. Anyway... he's up and about and we've made a little, card-board “nest box” for his food ledge and he's in it even as I type... “woo-HOO!” says he. - Got a “notice” from “HEAP” this morning... they posted 965 to Avery! So there's money on the account toward November... I hope... unless this goes for this season's November. I don't think it does but... there's no telling. Anyway... there's heat in the house. - I'm BLOODY TIRED AGAIN! TOOK AN HOUR AFTER YONAH'S MORNING ROUTINE ... GOT UP AT ALMOST 9.00 AND I NEED A SNOOZE AGAIN! - Deborah stopped by this morning... I don't know when, but left muffins and a little plastic flower pot... with MOSSES! I laughed, showed it to Yonah. (I'm just waiting for the rains to pass... I'll go out and get more down the main. - MY CHEST IS POUNDING IN MY NOSE AGAIN THIS MORNING! I had a “taste” of “re-smoke” a moment ago when I went to check the post. But the chest and throat have been bugging me anyway... Aggravation... I've NO doubt. - Anyway... there's still MORE to be caught-up on here... I'm going for that snooze. - 12.59 I am FINALLY CAUGHT-UP AGAIN... AND TIRED AGAIN... AND HAVING A “KAFÉ BOTZ” AGAIN... AND IT'S FUCKING RAINING AGAIN... AND I have to get to Yonah's journal and there are other things I ought to be doing but don't have the energy... AND I'm noticing that I keep making the strangest typos as I type now... and my fingers head for the proper keys but just don't seem to “make it all the way” for the most part... it's as if my hand are getting lazy... or... my brain is shutting-down or something of the sort... Yeah... if I have to go to the ER from now on... brakes, no brakes, fuck this shit! I want to KNOW what's going on... Anyway... off to Yonah's journal... He's been in another “Let's be together” mood today... with a bit of “building”. I'm such a fucking waste... napping all the fucking time and not spending any time with him... THAT PISSES ME OFF TO WHERE I HONESTLY COULD JUST THROAT-PUNCH PEOPLE AT THIS POINT AND THINK NOTHING OF THE CONSEQUENCES. - I move along... - 20.34 Yonah's Journal is current on-line. I'm SO tired... but that's just useless to mention any more. - The rain is falling out-side and I never went to close the cellar door and I don't really care... fresh air down there for a change and fresh air when the furnace runs. - And so, the day.... naps and snoozes, some journalling, some distractions with some soc.med. Feeling so fucking tired. - Checked my BP today, at the kitchen table... first run
95/51
Tried a second time with an “adjustment” to the cuff...
106/59
It's SO DAMNED LOW! NO WONDER I'M DO DAMNED TIRED! I'm going to have to see what I can do to raise it... a little bit... not much. I might try to do the “atorvastatin” every OTHER day for a while and see what happens... and then head to the ER... with these chest pains... since I don't have a “doctor” or a “primary” any more... that's how I see it anyway. - But it was a DELIGHTFUL DAY OTHER-WISE WITH MY HEART-AND-SOUL! Even though I kept napping and he kept building. - And Deborah and Julio got their “booster” and she sent word that they were OK thus far but tomorrow will tell... apparently they're confined to bed after these shots... honestly... to think of all the years I was suicidal and the world though ill of that... and today... well... all I can do is hope nothing goes “wrong”. Though Julio has an echo on Thursday (shame I can't go with) so we'll hope that goes well. - Had that “free” chicken for meal this evening. I don't like the looks of chicken any more... it's “stringy”. “Modified”, I've not doubt. Poor chickens... Humans are such a useless waste. Veggies and potatoes with. A little ice cream after. - LIGHTS WENT OUT FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES THIS EVENING. NYSEG SAYS “CAUSE: INVESTIGATING” THEY WENT OUT, THEN CAME BACK, THEN WENT OUT, THEN CAME BACK THEN WENT OUT... FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND THEN CAME BACK. AS IF SOMEBODY WAS PLAYING WITH THE SWITCH. AND IT'S ONLY RAINING! JEEZUS! DAMNED SHAME THE STREET LIGHT CAME BACK ON THOUGH. - And so... as I say, I'm tired... I'm going to post this to the server, have an ice cream... go to rack. Not at 21.00 as I'd like but... NOT at 23.00 either! And tomorrow? Well.... mosses and trees for Yonah... thankfully no need to go to market... but I might go on Sunday... brakelessly! FUKKEMALL! - Off I go for now though... All of the day is on Yonah's Journal and that covers it. - 20.50 All done. All posted. All on-line... -
20.55 ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** RENT CHEQUE CLEARED ON THE 5TH.... TUESDAY... I'M BETTING THE SHIT-BAG WILL BE COMING BY FOR SOME SORT OF VISIT ANY DAY NOW... WEEK-END PERHAPS? BRING IT ON SHIT-BAG! MASS-HOLE! I'M TIRED, NOT WELL AND READY TO GIVE TROUBLE... OFF TO HUD IF NEED BE... (NEW PLUMBING, BETTER FURNACE... AND SOME DUCT TAPE ISSUES?) WHAT-EVER... AT LEAST THE CHEQUE CLEARED! WHEW! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** -
22.28 LAST TOOTH UPPER RIGHT ABOUT TO BREAK AND BLOW... THE TEMPFILL CAME OUT AND I STUFFED IT, BUT THE ROOT IS PROTRUDING OUT OF THE GUM AND JAW... ONE OF THESE DAYS... - OH WELL... OFF TO THE RACK
Fri.08.Mar:
NOTING: GOT AN E-MAIL FROM DEBORAH TODAY... SHE'D HAD THAT “BOOSTER” YESTERDAY AND SAID THAT SHE WAS HOPING ALL WOULD BE WELL... WELL... TODAY, SHE WAS BED-RIDDEN... 100°F TEMPERATURE AND SHE SAYS HER “NORMAL” IS “76” *BUT I BELIEVE SHE MEANT 96. NO MATTER, SHE WAS SICK, IN BED ALL DAY... FROM A “BENIGN BOOSTER”! AND THIS IS THE SHIT “CVPH/UVM” WANTS ME TO TOY WITH? WHEN THEY CAN'T EVEN TELL ME PROPERLY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? OH... AND I'M WILLING TO BET THAT PART OF THIS “MYSTERY NO CALL” BULL SHIT IS BECAUSE OF THAT “Dx” OF “OSTO &C.” RIB CAGE INFLAMMATION AND THE “VERTIGO”. ANYWAY... THERE WE HAVE IT... FROM DEBORAH! AND ME? I NEED TO GET THE TRUCK FIXED... AND GET ME A REAL DOCTOR... SOME-WHERE, SOME-HOW! SOON, QUICKLY! FUCK!
6.23 FUCKING BLOODY TIRED this morning! REALLY FUCKING BLOODY TIRED! - Lights went out during the night... about 15 minutes. - I got up at 1.25 and 2.43 as memory serves. Don't know why but... and now... I'm going to go in and have a lie-down on Yonah's futon until he wakes up. - I'm dressed. Had a coffee... and I'm FUCKING BLOODY TIRED! - 9.29 At 7.00, I went in to check on Yonah because, like yesterday, it had gotten to where I was becoming concerned. He was awake, as he was yesterday, but being quiet. Me? I was going to simply open his door and have a lie-down but, as I sat there he let out with a “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” and our day was on the roll. I opened the door and waited a bit before I said “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo” and he answered and I repeated and he replied with a “woo-HOO!” and that was that and boards were removed, windows open, waters changed and the day was officially open and running. - OK? Well not really so much because... NO SOONER HAD I DONE WITH ALL THAT, I DECIDED TO HAVE THAT LIE-DOWN AND... BETWEEN THAT AND THE JUST-PLAIN-LAYING-ON-THE-FUTON THAT FOLLOWED... I'M ONLY JUST NOW GETTING UP AND MOVING ABOUT! AND MY CHEST IS “SORE”, PAINFUL, PRESSURE. MOVING ANY PART OF MY BODY IS EXHAUSTING RIGHT NOW, AND MY HEAD IS FLOATING. I'M WONDERING... I seem to vaguely recall having stopped smoking, on Valentine Ave. (and this morning, Naples and Valentine are blending in my thoughts... the kitchens... and, come to think of it, both places were on the 4th floor... anyway... my brain seems to be doing things it oughtn't today... “fatigue”?) and for the first many days, all I wanted to do was sleep... Now... today, add the rather high dose of “atorvastatin” which is known to reduce BP and... my BP being so bloody LOW to begin with and my heart probably just about ready to give-up on what-ever little battle it's fighting in there... and this morning, let's add a bit of anxiety because of the truck, and the Mass-hole, and this shit-box... and me and my opinion of me in general and.... FUCKED! Oh... and the rain, the time and other things... So there we have it... this morning... and it's now 9.41 and it seems SOME light is trying to get through the clouds so... - Another thing that pisses me off not is that as I type, I'm noticing that I'm making a LOT of typos... “just missing” the proper key... e.g. t/y o/p a/s/ that sort of shit. And I'll repeat the same mistake several times!!! as I try to correct. (9.43... a bit of a break in the clods OH PLEASE!) So... I'm tired... FUCKING TIRED!, touch depressed, in a general state of constant pain of some degree... and I'm a TOTAL SHIT COMPANION TO YONAH AND THAT WILL STOP NOW! - But “now” I have to toddle to the loo and then... GET MY FUCKING USELESS CARCASS TOGETHER! - 15.22 I'm not sure when I set out but I believe it was shortly after noon... and down the main, over the Bishop, across the road and into the bog... THREE NEW TREES FOR YONAH AND A LOT OF MOSSES! AND THE TREES ARE IN POTS (because that new “ceramic” one STUNK! I don't know if it's the “mix” or what-ever but it was bad. Then too, that planter never drains and it was quite wet... I don't know why the trees - from Deborah's - didn't “make it”... but...) So... TWO of the new trees are in Yonah's house... the other is in the ceramic planter... in the living-room, pending... AND getting the trees was so easy today because the ground is thawed and so wet after the thawing and all the rain! And so much more moss too... Everything's nicely thawed and abundant and now... in Yonah's possession! YAY! AND THEN... after the potting of the trees... Yonah's room is Hoovered, so too, the rest of the shit-box... and the kitchen floor is mopped... the place is “in order” and I'm in disbelief because I managed to “DO SOMETHING” with this fucking day... OH YEAH... AND I WENT TO THE CELLAR AND POUNDED THE 4x4s BACK AND THAT “HALF CEDAR” UNDER YONAH'S ROOM ! So let Mr. Mass-hole roll into town... THE CELLAR DOOR IS OPEN AND IS STAYING OPEN, FOR FRESH AIR AND SO THE “GOOD FOLKS” CAN SEE WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE DOWN THERE !!! - Thing is... now I want to go nap again! Some of this “napping” shit is depression/aggravation/anxiety/avoidance... psychological. But I MUST say... there IS PAIN IN THE CHEST again today... and if it doesn't stop in the next few days... I'm off to the ER... brakes or not. - But for now... it's almost “evening meal” again... FUCK! Another day... WOOSH! - But Yonah's room is Hoovered and he has NEW TREES! (Hopefully nothing “else” came along... I'll shower tonight though and if there IS... the trees will be out to the yard... until... - 20.30 Was doing so well after all that activity to day but I can't even finish Yonah's journal now... and I'm going to take a shower before going to bed tonight! BUT YONAH HAS NEW TREES AND MORE MOSSES! I'M THRILLED! So for now... I'm going to “close” the day and add more tomorrow (since I'm not “working” tomorrow... and I just hope Mass-hole doesn't show up!) - Time for naprox... ice cream... shower... rack. - 21.58 showered. Off to the rack!
I AM FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING FUCKING SICK AND TIRED ALL THE FUCKING TIME! AND IT APPEARS I HAVEN'T GOT A FUCKING REAL “DOCTOR” WHO GIVES A SHIT... SO? SO... LET'S JUST HOPE I CAN SURVIVE THROUGH THIS SHIT... GET THE TRUCK BACK IN ORDER... AND GET A FUCKING DOCTOR... EVEN IF I HAVE TO GO TO ALBANY! I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG YONAH AND I HAVE TOGETHER BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF THAT FUKTARD “DOCTOR” IS GOING TO COMPLICATE OUR TIME. (Nice close to a day... Eh?)
Sat.09.Apr: 6.41 Got up with/to the 6.00 alarm, made coffee, had vits... threw away the “re-smoke” and went back to bed until just now... But I read a couple of chapters of Maggie's book before going to sleep... at almost 23.00... so much for “civil hour” for getting to bed... I'm such a fukkup! REALLY!
***** DREAM: *****
This one started as “2nd person” but after establishing where I was, it went 1st person...
The time of day was either very early evening, or simply just an “over-cast” sort of day. In any case, it wasn't “dark” (for a change... but it wasn't brilliantly clear and bright either... but then too... it was my dream and me so...). I was standing in the yard of a house where I lived, and the property was surrounded by woods. Nice house, too. To my left, the “property” sloped down to a drive and the garage of the house. There were no “landscaped trees” around, just the yard... grass, and that was neatly mowed. I was looking out to the woods ahead of me and Yonah was at the garage door, in his old, small house, but the door to that was open and he was free to come and go and fly about at will. As I stood there, he flew out and headed straight ahead for the woods. I was “concerned” because it was later in the day and I worried about him being in the woods over-night and wondering if he'd ever come back. I called, VERY LOUDLY: “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! Yonah circled round and came FLYING DIRECTLY BACK... TO ME... AND CAME TO REST ON MY SHOULDER.... AND THEN TODDLED ROUND TO MY NECK AND BACK. With him on my neck, we headed toward the back of the house and as I walked along, a large FLOCK of mourning doves came out of the woods and came directly to Yonah and me! MANY of them landed on my back and shoulders and I was just SO THRILLED with them there! All those little feet, toddling across my back and shoulders... and knowing that they were comfortable there. - So I started to head into the house to show the woman who was there (“who” she was was ambiguous... not sure if she was “mother” or Deborah or somebody else/other but we were on “good terms”) because I was just SO taken by it all. But, on the way in, I thought I'd try taking a photo of it with the “mobile/camera”... the “Samsung”, of course. But the screen was SO SHATTERED under the “cover”! The “touch” didn't work, the entire phone was useless, and I had NO idea HOW it had gotten so broken! I was REALLY upset that the phone/camera was completely gone at this point... BUT IS WAS SO ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED THAT SO MANY MOURNING DOVES WERE SO COMFORTABLY RIDING ALONG ON MY BACK AND SHOULDERS! and... I woke...
6.49 SNEEZING DRIPPY NOSE ANNOYING... AND HOPING IT'S NOT A FRONT UPPER TOOTH GOING! HOT FLASHES TOO. THE SNEEZING WOKE ME THIS MORNING WITH A HOT FLASH TOO... WTAF? 11.18 It's raining. The house has a “chill”. In the shower, the lighter Sherpa on the rack, under things on rods... washed. I've had another hour-nap with Yonah and have had my vits for the day... am finishing coffee... and have a PAIN in the left chest and down the arm... also feeling a touch constipated this morning. - Realised yesterday that the “re-smoke” HAD TO GO! THOSE LITTLE BROWN BITS WERE COMING BACK... AND I HAVEN'T EVEN INHALED, AS I USED TO. WHAT-EVER IS IN THAT TOBACCO, IT'S *** BAD *** AND SO, THIS MORNING, IT ALL WENT DOWN THE TOILET! (There's one more... that I started yesterday, in the jar, but... as much as I might want to, I don't really dare to because, well, the evidence is most and quite clear. That shit's HORRID! If I'm going to “smoke”, even just for the “taste”, as has been of late...almost about 2 weeks now, I should think, I'm better off just buying a pack of something cheap... but “fresh”. Which I will NOT be doing... especially now with the brakes on the truck and the inspection coming and the insurance due next “income” and such. So... SO... - As I say... rainy... and there's that “cold” in the house. I don't know what it is, but it isn't a “current” or “draft” because I did the “lighter” test and the flame doesn't move! Dead folks... no doubt. - I have Journalling to do! - I got Yonah up this morning at almost 7.30! He was awake but so quiet again, until I came in to sit with him. I opened his door and then had to run to the loo... He called, as if I'd simply walked away from him. And once we got the windows opened and water changed, he was into his “regular routine”, and when I went into the kitchen earlier, he came in to find me... He's REALLY USED TO BEING IN THE REST OF THE HOUSE! AND I'M SO LOVING IT! - Now... to get on with shit I ought to get on with and stop this fucking about... before I head for ANOTHER FUCKING BLOODY SNOOZE! I SO AM FUCKING BLOODY FUCKING SICK AND FUCKING-BLOODY TIRED OF BEING BLOODY-FUCKING SICK AND FUCKING TIRED! - 20.11 The rains let up for about 20 minutes at 16.00. I've fucked another day with napping for-fucking-ever. (I'm REALLY in the most DOUR mood over this now... and not knowing what's going on “in-side” is putting me in a VERY seriously THREATENING mind-set... coupled with I'm also battling having a “drag” of the one last “re-smoke”... just to “taste”... I don't really “NEED” to... it's VERY much like stopping the booze... honestly... at this point, it truly is... That's never been “easy-peasy” after a while, but look at it this way... on
Wednesday, it will be 18 MONTHS... A YEAR AND A HALF... ***** YONAH WILL HAVE BEEN MY LIFE FOR A YEAR AND A HALF... 18 MONTHS ***** and that's how long it's been since I've had a vodka-tonic... save New Year's eve/day.
So... IF this “no smoking” actually DOES do me ANY good... I do stop cigarettes for the same reason I stopped the booze... MY HEART-AND-SOUL!!! One thing I have to say... there are TWO “Players” in the fridge... in case... I COULD grab a drag off one of those instead, but... truth is... as much as I'd enjoy it for the moment, I'd regret smoking a good cigarette for just the “taste” AND with Players, I'd be right back to wanting MORE... I remember when, on Valentine, I'd quit... when I didn't have any more Belvedere... or “Export” or what-ever I was smoking... I'd changed to Marlboro and stopped completely until Viv came to visit and... one cigarette that evening and... right back again. So no... until I SEE (and I'd BETTER SEE FUCKING SOON... DOCTOR DIPSHITFUK) what's what... no more smokes. That said... I'd like to take that “taste” but no I wouldn't. Not to mention the little 'clots” with the brown specks again. They were gone until the “re-smoke” so... NO MORE. - Moving along... I've managed to “dodge” the smoking all day by napping... and I do recall going through at least 2 days of that... AT LEAST... every time I quit before so... I don't like it, it pisses me off BUT... no matter... I'VE MANAGED TO GET YONAH'S PHOTOS TO DATE, AND HIS JOURNAL AND EVEN THIS ONE NOW... SO... - Sadly though... Yonah's been tucked-in from since 19.37... he was, apparently, tired too. Me and my bloody naps all day and tuck-in early... Well... I'm heading for my own tuck-in momentarily... tomorrow I'm going to go to market... BRAKELESSLY! FUCK THE SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF THE REST OF THESE SHIT-SAX! (And I will NOT be purchasing cigarettes!!! NO NO NO!!!) - OK? OK... - 20.31 Speaking of “Shitsax”... that one next door is stirring... DREAD! (We REALLY NEED to get out of here.. and now, with no brakes... well... If I don't go back to smoking or -and- drinking... ) - Time to post this and Yonah's work to the server and get on with the night and to the RACK! - 20.40 ALL DONE! ALL CURRENT! IMAGINE THAT! - 22.16 Well... ice cream and yoghurt are gone and I would luv a smoke so it's off to the loo to brush what teeth I've got left, rinse with peroxide which is what I've been doing in case of “endocarditis” and then to the rack... tomorrow, at some point in time... market with-out brakes and we'll see how that turns out. Shall we then? Oh, indeed, we shall. Meanwhile...another fucking day comes to a close... BUT... Journals are current... even Yonah's photos! MY BABE! MY HEART-AND-SOUL!
Sun.10.Apr: 6.33 Up. Dressed. Jeans in on the soak. Making a shopping list. AND THE FUCKING “PINGING PAIN IN THE FUCKING CHEST FIRST FUCKING THING IN THE FUCKING MORNING” !!!!! I WAS FUCKING FINE UNTIL JUST THIS FUCKING MOMENT !!!!! I'M FUCKING PISSED-THE-FUCK-OFF FIRST FUCKING THING IN THE FUCKING MORNING NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING “PINGING PAIN” BUT BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS AND THERE'S NOBODY TO FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IT IS AND NOBODY WILL CHECK TO SEE WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. SO... IT LOOKS LIKE I MIGHT BE HEADING TO THE FUCKING ER FUCKING SOON WITH A FUCKING ATTITUDE... AND... I'M OFF TO FIND OUT WHERE I CAN FUCKING REGISTER A FORMAL FUCKING COMPLAINT ABOUT THIS FUCKING SHIT AND THEN... FIGURE THE FUCK HOW TO FUCKING GET THE FUCKING TRUCK FUCKING ROLLING TO FUCKING ALBANY AND GET TO A FUCKING HOSPITAL INSTEAD OF THIS FUCKING ABATTOIR HERE !!! THAT fucking said... the fucking furnace is fucking running too... Third fucking time in the past 45-fucking minutes. Ah... Fucking Sunday.... Another fucking “Pleasant Valley Sundaaaaaay... Here in status-symbol land”... FUCK. - 10.36 Imagine this.... I've been to the market, got what I'd put on the list... Spoke with Ann about the “un-scanned chicken”... told her about the brakes on the truck that morning... and then, later, she made a joke with another customer about her “cart” having breaks. I HAD to LAUGH... and am still laughing. Scanned the label so the chicken is paid (but... it scanned at considerably less than the original label... like HALF of the “sale price”, but it's paid and Ann knows and thanked me... &c.). I DID NOT STOP TO GET SMOKES AND... WHEN I LEFT THIS MORNING, THE BRAKES WEREN'T THERE AND THE LIGHT WAS LIT ALL THE WAY INTO TOWN.... WHEN I STARTED THE TRUCK IN THE MARKET LOT, THE LIGHT WENT ON, THE BRAKE PEDAL WENT TO THE FLOOR BUT AWAY I ROLLED... AND SOME-WHERE BETWEEN THE MARKET AND THE SHIT-BOX... THE “BRAKES” LIGHT WENT OUT! NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THERE ARE BRAKES BECAUSE, BEING SO CLEVER AS I AM, I DIDN'T USE THEM TO STOP IN THE DRIVE (***** SO CLEVER, BE I *****) BUT IMAGINE THAT... AND IMAGINE... 10.30 AND I'VE NAPPED FOR AN HOUR AND BEEN TO MARKET AND AM BACK... AND THE SUN WAS OUT AND IS GONE AND... I'M READY FOR ANOTHER SNOOZE... BUT BUT FUCKING CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE AT ANY MOMENT NOW AND ASIDE FROM ALL THE “HAPPY-HAPPY-JOY-JOY” OF THE MORNING.... I WANT TO THROAT-PUNCH A PARTICULAR MEDICAL TEAM... NOT JUST ONE... THE ENTIRELY WHOLE JOLLY-FUCK GROUP! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT-THE-ACTUAL-FUCK IS GOING ON HERE! SO... THERE MIGHT BE A TRIP TO THE ER... AND LET IT BE KNOWN THAT DEMURO JUST COULDN'T BE BOLLOCKSED... - And now... instead of a smoke... I'm going for a snooze. Rest of the day? I don't know... - 20.19 Yonah's been tucked-in from since 19.28 already... he seemed quite ready for seepie-nigh-night right after the “water relay” tonight... so... when he didn't put up a fuss I figured we'd see what happens if I stick with the 19.30 tuck-in... even though it isn't “dark” yet... - BUT... today.... I'M TAKING FROM HIS JOURNAL HERE BECAUSE THIS WAS QUITE THE ISSUE”
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For most of the day, because it was rather chilly, grey and damp, Yonah and I were together, in his room (where it was comfortably warm, no chilling dampness, and we had bird-songs and radio, and the desk lamp to keep us cozy). I got busy working with Journals, some research (comparisons between this year and last, because, well, I went looking for one item of interest and just got carried away... mostly because I can't believe that as of Wednesday, Yonah and I will be together for a year and a half already!) and other bits and pieces of things I've postponed and ignored for too long. Yonah had been in his little “nest box” for most of the while and there was the occasional “visit” to his door perch for some stroking and chatting and such. But, as I say, most of his time was spent “snuggled” in the wisps of his white pines. At one point, I happened to look up because he'd been SO quiet and I saw that he wasn't “at home”... not in his house... AT ALL! He wasn't on his futon. He wasn't on the floor in his room. He wasn't in ANY of the places he's come to be “usually” in his room. So, I figured he'd toddled out to the living-room again, as he does of late, and went to “visit” with the decoys on the limb there. I got up and carefully walk through the kitchen (“carefully” because, these days there's no telling where he might be... and, as I've said before, no matter where he is, he can blend into just about ANY and EVERY back-ground) and peeked round the corner in the living-room... HE WASN'T WITH THE DECOYS! HE WASN'T ON THE LIMB! HE WASN'T ON THE FUTON! HE WASN'T ANY-WHERE IN THE LIVING-ROOM! I couldn't imagine where else he could be... I checked my bed-room and didn't see him there. But that point, I was becoming heart-sick! I wondered if he'd gotten into some remote cranny under a piece of furniture... or, perhaps, a “hole in the wall” that I'd never noticed (this old house shifts terribly from Winter-to-Summer and then Autumn-to-Winter and “places” appear and disappear as the shifting happens). I was dreading... did he get to the loo? Did he get into the toilet? Was he in the shower? Under the sink? Under the stove? I was on the verge of absolute tears, worrying that he might be some-where, in pain or afraid! I went back into the living-room and called his name... Nothing. So then I tried... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo”... and I listened... No reply... and I was now in tears... Cleared my throat and gave my best... “woo-HOO!” and.... AND... from in the bed-room I heard the FLUTTER AND WHISTLE of WINGS! I BOLTED TO THE DOOR-WAY OF THE BED-ROOM TO FIND... MY LITTLE GUY, TODDLING ACROSS THE FLOOR TOWARD THE DOOR. I got down on the floor with him and he came over, stood right there looking at my face and I could almost HEAR him saying (or thinking): “WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY ARE YOU ALL UPSET? WHAT? I'M RIGHT HERE. I'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? HONESTLY! BUT YOU DO GET WORKED-UP ABOUT THE STRANGEST THINGS!” I have NO idea where he was when I went in there to look for him but now I know that, from now on, I have to pay even CLOSER attention when looking for him. (And too, it just reinforces my determination to NEVER have to be away from him for any considerable length of time because if anybody else were to have to come to attend, the number of places he can hide-away in... well... even though it was only he and I in the house today and I KNEW that nobody had come to visit, I even thought, when I couldn't find him “Did somebody come by, open the door to the house and let him out?” First of all, I'd know if they'd come in through the back door because that's across from Yonah's room were I'd been sitting. Secondly, the front door is always locked and somebody would have to open the screen door AND the front door and they both make noise... Thirdly... I was just being a complete mess even thinking such a thing at the time. BUT, Deborah is the only one I can think of who would come to be with Yonah for any while if I were to have to be away, and I'm pretty sure she'd be especially careful to look for him... still....) WELL! I laid on the bed-room floor for a little while, Yonah gave me the “once over” to “check my sanity” (I'm sure) and when he was satisfied that I was safe enough, he took to the air, circled round the room once and headed back to his own house. And when I got there, he was on his perch... as if the incident had never happened. THERE! THEN! DONE! (Never happened.) I re-settled... Yonah re-settled... we returned to our regular sort of day... and I went for a bit of a lie-down... relieved that all was well... and Yonah came over to join me for a little while. |
Anyway... that was our day. - Right now, for some reason, I'm absolutely craving a smoke! Don't know why but... this is one of those “difficult” moments... I KNOW it's NOT the nicotine any more. Maybe it's just the aggravation (and my typos... FUCK!) of the day and all... with Demuro and the bull-shit and the pain in the chest. - Anyway... got an e-mail from Deborah. They'll be leaving on Tuesday, might be back on Friday if no follow-ups for Julio. He's going for an echo!!!! Imagine that! - I told her of how my own business is like a constant “ball peen hammer” to the chest and that I'll be going to the ER if I have to and they can deal with the consequences... when the insurance company wants to know why I can't get care from the “primary”. Nothing like letting it out in the open. She's going for a mammogram tomorrow... and I happened to “mention” in my e-mail that they've already mis-diagnosed me twice... oh well... we shall see... Of course... I'm just the nasty old stodgy shit who's rolled in to cause trouble... fukkem! - Meanwhile... the furnace is running, and I want to post to servers... Yonah's journal is ready to post... this one's next... and it's 20.34 already! Let's see if I can't get to the rack at a civil hour tonight... - HEY! At least there's oil in the furnace, heat in the shit-box and my little Heart-and-Soul is as safe and sound as we can be... - I'm tired too!!! Fucked another day of naps and snoozes... BUT I GOT THE MARKETING DONE AND PAID THAT CHICKEN! Good little fellow that I am... (DOLT!) - 22.17 off to the rack. Oddly... all I want to do all fucking day is sleep... nap... snooze... Come the hour to lay down as “normal people” do of a night and...it's mostly the DREAD... of not waking up, or waking during the night, not being able to get proper help and support and laying there, in the bed worrying about Yonah and...
FUCK these so-called “Doctors”!
FUCK these so-called “Medical Care Providers”!
FUCK these quacks, thieves and charlatans!
FUCK these lying, self-serving, shits!
Mon.11.Apr: 6.51 I got out of bed just shortly before 6.00, got coffee done, scrubs in the basin to soak and sat to get to internet and at 6.28 “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... and now...that morning routine is done and...
Tue.12.Apr: 6.35 Dressed and wanting a smoke. But I woke feeling rather OK... with the 6.00 alarm, put the kettle on, coffee in the press, went for a bit of a lie-down waiting for the kettle and... CHEST... JAW... WHAT? WHERE DOES IT COME FROM AND WHY? Anyway... here I am... and there's still “white” on “Greene” and that patch on Bald but the night rains are passing and there's warmth in the promise for the rest of the day... *** AND THERE WAS ONE MOURNING DOVE OUT BACK, MOMENTS AGO! ONE... I PUT FOOD OUT AND PEANUTS ... TO TRY TO DISTRACT FROM THE SMALLER SEEDS. I NEED TO MAKE A CIVIL FEEDER... I NEED to just “LIVE LIFE” and stop all this pondering and bull-shitterie. I was better off NOT knowing... but then again... no, I wasn't. I just need to “adjust”. Odd, to think, I “felt” better when I was drinking and smoking... Then too, I didn't know what the fuck was going on with my “body”... and I didn't really care. But the truth of the matter is... I'm not that far from 70 years... and true... all the drinking and drugging and smoking and all-nighters... driving round in the car, swiping cottage cheese from the A&P in the middle of the night... 50-cent pastries...SOME-THING HAD to “give” at some point... Maybe something will show on the CT... when-ever we get around to that. Meanwhile... there are things to do... “things”... BUT ABOVE ALL ELSE EVERY AND ANY WHERE... THERE'S...
YONAH
12.26 In ALL HONESTY... if not for Yonah, today, as the breeze blows through the house, the sun tries to break the clouds hanging in the Western skies, I'd truly get into the truck, try to find a perfect cliff and drive right the fuck off... I don't know what's “wrong”, but today it's in my head... and I'm now wondering: instead of “scanning” the chest and such... how about a “scan” to see if there are any “empty spaces” in the skull. Alzheimer's? Or something of the sort. And I sit here with my Heart-and-Soul on my shoulder... he's been so happy when I'm awake and that hasn't been for very often in the past 6 hours of this day since I got out of bed. And I've got the “re-smoke” hanging out of my face... I'm tempted to get a pack of... very tempted... but I'm nauseated today too, and that tightness in the throat... and truly, my attitude toward so much is just SHIT today... I could SO easily injure somebody... or damage property... it's a “personality change”... snap from one to the other... I don't know... I don't understand... and I'm not comfortable. I have to look-up transport to Albany Med.... and hope for same day, round-trip... but I'm not counting on it. The world is a fucking shit-hole...
BUT THERE'S MY LITTLE GUY... MY LOVE... MY HEART-AND-SOUL AND HE'S THE MOST BEAUTIIFUL AND PRECIOUS PART OF ALL OF CREATION.... AND HIS WINDOW IS OPEN, THE BREEZE IS BLOWING, SUN IS SHINING AND WE'RE HERE, TOGETHER... AND THE WORLD... ISN'T HERE WITH US.
15.37 Just in... tilled that “feeding area”, put the fence up, put in some “posts”, raked SOME of the gravel back into the drive and am now feeling a bit like shit because of the fucking chest. And if I had the smokes, I'd be smoking them but... I don't, I'm not going into town for any and there we have it. Mean-while... Yonah's window has been open all after-noon, the back door too... and I've just opened the front door as well... Nice breeze! AIR in this shit--box. For all the good it does since it stinks of something any-way and the dust from the Hill... fuck! I'll have to sweep that... but as I do, I'll have to make sure Yonah's windows are closed. Now I dread... DREAD that thing next door... come the warm weather with the shit smokes... - 20.07 I don't know why I'm awake, sitting here, looking for places to go to... to take Yonah and MOVE to! - And I don't know why I feel better now than I've felt all day, but night is when it seems to get better.... anyway, I'M running LATE and haven't gotten Yonah's Juornal done... nor this one but, thankfully, there's nothing more to record for today except a 10-person shooting, 36th St. Brooklyn, subway... charming, this morning. Locally? Well... we had doors and windows open today, and this evening, at about 18.30 or so, I went to cuddle Yonah and his little feet were so cold! It was 19° in his room and I wasn't feeling it (but I had my sherpa on) so I closed things up and put the heat to 65F and it ran! POOR LITTLE GUY! But he's warm and cozy and tucked-in now... - I have to get to his Journal... now... - 21.03 Yonah's Journal is done. - I actually lit that “re-smoke” and tried a drag... I can still inhale that shit! After all this time... but it did take a bit of a “toll”... so much for “feeling better”. - OH... TOOK A “BETA PROSTATE” THIS MORNING... STARTING THAT.... LET'S SEE WHAT IT DOES (OR DOESN'T). I swear... I'm seriously thinking of getting a pack of smokes but... I have other things I need the money for now... SERIOUSLY! SO... - Time to post this to servers. Yonah's will have the “best and high-lights” of the day. I was going to shower again... .but... nope... again... Oh well... again... no need... again... I'm REALLY getting “I don't give a shit”... (again). Deborah's in The City so there's nobody stopping by (unless the Mass-hole's in town... FORBID FORBID!) and even if THAT comes by, IT can suck shit too... Hey! It snatched the rent cheque on the 5th! Must be desperate! Surely not to put anything into this shit-box... (and I'm wondering if my troubles aren't mould! I might just mention that to the dear “doctor”... Symptoms are similar... could be interesting... We shall see... - FURNACE IS RUNNING! SET AT 65F. WTF? - Time to post.. .- 23.06 THIS is ENTIRELY UN-ACCEPTABLE AND NOW I'M LOOKING AT ANOTHER “SNOOZE”... WHAT, IN FUX NAME, IS WRONG WITH ME? NO MATTER HOW EARLY I GET THINGS 'SETTLED'... ALL FUCKING DAY I CAN'T KEEP MY FUCKING EYES OPEN, CAN'T SIT THE FUCK UP BUT NIGHT COMES AND... “SUN-DOWNERS'”? JEEZUS FUCKKING D'KRISTE! THIS HAS TO STOP!
Wed.13.Apr: 6.26 Up dressed coffee sneezing... not in a “happy” mood because this morning's thoughts are “medical”, the recent records read that *I* cancelled the stress-echo, and there's that “sleep test” that I don't want until I get the “actual” test (echo) and nobody listens and I'll have to phone the clinic and... - And I did get to the rack and slept quite well, through, with a minor contraction of a foot (don't recall which, just recall the contraction) and got out of bed at about 6.00 and it's day-light already and...
IT'S OUR 18-MONTH ANNIVERSARY !!! YONAH HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR 18 MONTHS !!!
(And I want a smoke!) - 13.54 It's been ANOTHER FUCKING DAY OF NAPS AND SNOOZES AND I STILL WANT THAT DAMNED SMOKE! I've got the “re-smoke” here with me as I sit at the work table, but... there are 2 “Players” in the fridge... I could, I suppose, go to Dan and buy a “loosie” or 2 and would gladly drop a buck for each. I could get in the truck and roll into town for a pack... there's money in the account... but that's one of the main reasons I won't roll into town to get a pack... I LIKE having that money in the account... and I'll NEED it, come the next “instalment” (soc.sec.). BRAKES! (May... then June... then JULY then INSPECTION! FUCK! AND... I've NO doubt... an new exhaust system... FUCK!) Anyway... It's about “me and mine” now... surely not about Demuro... - And I ought to call the office about that... the ER, the CT, the echo... I looked for transport from here to Albany... the bus doesn't come near here any more... not even in the “lake towns”! Nope... just ZOOM down the Northway. The train? There's NO “schedule” for ANY service between Plattsburgh and Albany. NONE! No bus, no train... and yes, “Aging Heather” (as she/it were) did say that there are volunteers who will drive but... that's 100s of miles and a whole day! Most of it, on the road. Well... we'll just have to see. I want to find another “Primary” out of the UVM net-work anyway... -”Time”... IF I COULD JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAKE! (My eyes are closing even as I type.) - Yonah? Oh... he's in his “nest box”... He was up at 6.49 this morning... and we've had a couple of “snoozes”... (I'm such a waste) and some PLAY TIME! He's been SO affectionate today... and me too... 18 months? C'mon! I NEVER would have imagined... - I got a bit typed on HIS journal... thankfully... but, miserably... I'm ready for a lie-down again.. it's been about 45 minutes from since the latest one... which was about the 4th all day... I HATE THIS FATIGUE! - 21.20 The entire day is on Yonah's journal and ALL of that is on the server and up and live. As for the rest, for this journal, I'll have to “fill-in/catch-up” tomorrow because I just can't be bollocksed with my Journal tonight.
And tomorrow, if I'm as tired and constipated and all as I've been... I just might take me into town and get me a pack of SMOKES because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and there's nobody who'll listen or do what the fuck their job actually is! I'm fucking fed-up with this bull-shit if “I'm the doctor and you don't know what's bothering you”! Honestly... I don't need that kind of shit. It's not as if that fuktard isn't getting paid for his 20 minutes of “appointment”... and too, I'm pretty sure he gets kick-backs for the tests and such... but... one of these days... if I have to drive the 2 hours... fuck'im! - Meanwhile... at least I've had a shower today... at long last. LAST NIGHT AS I WAS GETTING READY FOR THE RACK... TWO FUCKING MORE OF THOSE “LEADS STICKERS” FORM THE BLOODY ER... ALL THAT SHIT AND NOTHING! I'M STILL FUCKING SLEEPING MY DAY AWAY AND FUCKING UP AT THIS HOUR...BUT TO BE HONEST AND FAIR MOST OF THE “THIS HOUR” IS ANXIETY... WONDERING IF THAT THING NEXT DOOR WILL START TAPPING OR HAMMERING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. TRASH! I HAVE TO WONDER JUST HOW MUCH OF MY TROUBLES IS BECAUSE OF THAT THING... I CAN'T STAND IT... DON'T TRUST IT... AND NOTHING ON THE LISTINGS OF PLACES TO GO TO... OTHER PLACES... I'M LOOKING... JUST HAVE TO KEEP IN MIND AND HEART... IT'S OUT THERE... - Right now... tight in the chest and hacking little clots again... No smoking and yet... FUCK! Clear clots with those little brown bits... I've seen the x-rays... “Emphysema”? Oh well... as long as it isn't anything “serious”... mother lived for over 20 years with hers and she smoked... upwards of THREE PACKS a day! Oh well and... OK... a bit of a nosh, a bit of a Brit and rack. Enough of this day... - BEST THING: YONAH'S JOURNAL IS SO CURRENT! AND WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY WITH HIM TODAY!SO MUCH HAS SO CHANGED IN 18 MONTHS! OH THE LOVE...MY HEART-AND-SOUL!
22.39 LATE LATE LATE... AND OFF TO THE RACK WE GO!
Thu.14.Apr: 13.29 I was up at the “6.00” alarm this morning, but dragged my shit around and at 6.39, when Yonah called... I wasn't ANYWHERE NEAR being dressed... I hadn't even finished the “first pour” of coffee yet! But, my HEART-AND-SOUL was up and awake and so... we got right into the morning routine! And after that? I got a couple of under-things washed and on the rack to dry. - It was a dreary morning... but a mist rose from the brook. Still, it wasn't warm enough to throw the doors open so... Besides, I'm really not in a “throw the doors open” sort of mind-set these days. More like “throw the muthufukkuz under a truck”. I'm still so GOD-DAMNED FATIGUED! AND PISSED-THE-FUCK-OFF not hearing from anybody about any further tests or even INTEREST! AND... I'M TOYING WITH TRYING TO BUY A NASTY CIGARETTE FROM DAN... JUST TO HAVE ONE. The problem with that is... once I start... AND... if I don't buy from Dan... there's a Players in the fridge... but THAT... well... I won't be getting any more any too soon any way... Firstly, Lacolle is 70mi away and the truck won't make that... never mind affording the gas. AND... there's no crossing the border until the current governments are replaced. Ah... “Communism” and “dictatorships”. Anyway... I STILL HAVE THE DAMNED “PING” IN THE CHEST, TIGHTNESS IN THE THROAT BUT... I WANT JUST A FUCKING DRAG OF A CIGARETTE! NOT FOR THE NICOTINE SO MUCH AS THE “FLAVOUR” AND, I SUPPOSE, THE “SENSATION”. THE EMPTY PEN JUST ISN'T MAKING IT TODAY... - 19.47 I broke... Went down to buy a smoke (loosie) from Dan and he GAVE ME 15! In fact, he almost insisted! And the one that I had whilst sitting there, talking with him was SO GOOD! No, I do NOT want to go back to spending all that money on cigarettes again, but OH... IT WAS SO GOOD! And I had only the one... We sat and chatted for a couple of hours. He really is a pleasure to talk with... and oddly, he too, is like me in a way: We both want to get along with the neighbours but we don't want to “really associate” with any of them. It's a “City Thing” I suppose. So, it does look as though we have a “friend” in each-other. And I met the guy who bought the house across the way from him. “Justin” or something of the sort. He reminds me a bit of “Bill Bailey”... same “hair”. And he's from Keeseville. Said something about having lived in Willsboro for a while and HATED IT there. Had a shit for a landlord. Hmmm... I wonder. AND he's spoken with the Mass-hole... He's “savvy” when it comes to houses and construction and... the water-line. We almost got into it but didn't quite get the chance. There will be more time. My little “surprise” was seeing and hearing about how much SHIT was going on in that house... I had “Pattie” quite “pegged”. They really were quite the “trash” and they LEFT QUITE A LOT OF TRASH in that house when they left. As Dan said: it would have cost them a fortune to have all that shit hauled away and so... they left it. 40 bags of garbage already out and MUCH more “trash” to be gotten rid of! Anyway... Dan says it's a great improvement already. - Oh... and Jeff is now flying a * Québec * flag at the end of his drive! Ah... So... I can't fly “American” but he can fly QC? I want to drop by and ask why he's flying the QC flag now... Interesting. Looks like I might be putting MINE up for June... some-where... FUCKING SHITS in this hole. And so Dan and I sat as the rains came. I didn't get back to the shit-box until 16.00! POOR YONAH! But the doors and window were open today... fresh air through. - And I just had a couple drags of another smoke. No, I'm NOT going “back” but it IS nice to have the smokes in the house... in case. - Had dinner with Yonah this evening. He's been SO affectionate again of late. I'm a little “worried” though. There's a “split” feather on his left wing again and a little feather that just doesn't seem to grow “right”. I HOPE he's OK. And during the day, his poop is quite “hot” (but then, his body temperature is something around 40° compared to peoples' 36°) and it's been almost clear. I don't like that. I hope it isn't the mosses! I'll keep a careful eye on it. - And his pump and tubing have been cycling vinegar for the past 2 hours tonight... I'm going to let that run for a while longer then run water for a while... then again in the morning for a while... to make sure there's nothing harmful in the pump. One of these days... another “House-Keeping” day! - Deborah sent word: Julio's echo showed nothing out of the ordinary. And they'll be heading back tomorrow. 80F down there today... 70F here. The “patch” on Bald Peak is clear of snow today! But -2° nights ahead here so... it ain't July yet. Still... it's a nice relief. - I saw my “ECG” today... I like this being able to see reports on my records. I just wish I could read the “sheets”. I used to have an idea but... I'll have to “research” again. Nothing noted on it. But then... An echo would show more... AND I STILL SAY I NEED A CT OF THE HEAD... I'M BETTING THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE TEETH AND SINUSES! But... I'll need another “PCP” for any of that and... - Oh, Dan said that Richie said that a front brakes job would run him about 360$ so... if I have only one... half? No matter. I still can't do it until next month. No prob. - And Yonah was tucked-in by about 19.50... I'm just hoping that thing next door behaves civilly. There's been a vehicle parked in front of the PO shed this evening. Nice that others can park there... Hey! I just might take to it. It isn't where I can see the truck but... (actually, I don't like that spot anyway... if something comes round the bend on the main...) - Time to get to Yonah's Journal! - One other note: I “cleaned” a LOT off this lap-top “desk-top” today... files I want but don't look at often. On the “SeaGates”... and ALL of Yonah's photos are on 2 drives! Safe files. - Now... to Yonah's Journal and hopefully Rack before 23.00! - (FUCK ME... I still have work on yesterday here too. SHIT! I've been such a mess these days. But... ) - 21.28 LATE but Journals COMPLETE! - 22.55 FUCKING TOO LATE!!!!
Fri.15.Apr: HUMMIE FEEDER ON THE BACK TONIGHT 20.58 IMAGINE THIS... I HAVEN'T BEEN NEAR THIS JOURNAL ALL BLOODY DAY! AND I'VE ONLY JUST FINISHED YONAH'S PAGE... I NEVER GOT TO HIS EITHER! BUSY? No not really. Just the usual FUCKING TIRED! I didn't sleep or nap the entire day... in fact, I DID mange to get out... and down to Dan's for a couple of hours again. I meant to just drop by to make a suggestion about some “flooding” he has at the stoop to his from porch but that went into a few chats about a few matters and well... there you have it... and I did THAT... AFTER RAKING THE FUCKING SHIT IN THE BACK YARD, AND PICKING-UP THE ROCKS, PUTTING THEM INTO THE WHEEL-BARROW AND DUMPING THEM ON THE PILE OF ROCKS BACK BY T HE “COMPOST”... AND I TOOK UP THAT “FIRE PIT” STARTER THING SHIT TOO. FUCK THESE SHIT-SAX. YOU WANT A FIRE PIT? FUCKING BUILD ONE! (Had it not been so windy today, I would have started to burn that pile of wood too but... it was windy and there were “warnings” about “open burning” so...) BUT I DID SOME WORK IN THE YARD... just, really, to make it appear that I AM doing “something”... though I won't be doing much FUCK. - Brought Dan up to the garage to show him what's in there and he found some wood he thinks he might be able to use in his house. That's nice. We had a nice chat together... for a while. - Deborah came by today... I was running “water relay” for Yonah... we did that a few times during the day because, well, I installed the fountain this morning, and he filled the pool with mosses, and I drained and flushed... and Deborah came by... 3 bagels, a challah and some cream cheese and some chocolates. She didn't stay long but it was good to see her back... that City just worries me these days. - As for the rest of the day? Well it's all on Yonah's page, really, other than the trip to Dan's. - I'm on 2 cigarettes for the day today! I don't like it but you know? I can't care... other than the money at this point. But I'll be “frugal”! - 21.08 I'm going to just post this... for today. - OH... WHEN I GOT BACK FROM DAN'S TODAY.. YONAH AS IN THE BED-ROOM AGAIN... I COULDN'T FIND HIM AND HE DIDN'T ANSWER WHEN I CALLED... I DO KNOW HOW IT'LL RUN “WHEN THE TIME COMES”... ALL I WILL NOT TOLERATE IS HIM SUFFERING IN ANY WAY. BUT... AFTER RUNNING THROUGH THIS DAMNED SHIT-BOX, TURNING ALL THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING SEE ANY MORE... AND I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY RIGHT EYE NOW... IT FEELS LIKE THERE'S SOMETHING IN THERE... AND IT MUST BE BOTHERING ME AT NIGHT BECAUSE THIS MORNING I WOKE FROM A DREAM WHERE THERE WAS A LITTLE “OFF-WHITE BEETLE” IN THE EYE AND WHEN I GOT IT OUT I SAW THAT IT HAD LAID EGGS IN THE LOWER LID AND THEY'D HATCHED AND I HAD TO SQUEEZE THE BEETLES OUT THROUGH THE SKIN... SO... HERE WE GO WITH MORE FUCKERIE... ANYWAY... YONAH WAS ON THE SHELF INSIDE THE DOOR AT THE LITTLE TABLE LAMP! SCARED THE LIFE OUT OF ME FOR A WHILE... AS I SAY... I WILL NOT TOLERATE HIM SUFFERING IN ANY WAY! - Tonight... There's supposed to be wind, rain to follow... snow in the forecast for Sunday and Tuesday... On Sunday... I was going to go to market but it's Easter so... we'll see... if I go it'll be in the morning anyway. - But for now... I'm feeling the usual... fucking tired and tight in the chest and sinuses... So... there's a little ice cream in there... not much... just a bit and a Brit and to rack... Tomorrow? 6° and rain... -1 tomorrow night... Sunday 6 and -2... oh well... - I'm off to code and post... I'm tired... it's fucking late... again... and I've been eating too many cookies! - 21.19 Journals on... - 22.59 I REALLY want to know how the time goes by so fucking quickly. No matter how much “on time” I start to get things together... and now this is horrible! No wonder, really, I'm exhausted during the fucking day... I'm “napping”.... mid-night to 5.00 and expecting to be up and bouncy. Moron. Oh well... it's off to the rack again... lets' see what kind of torture the night holds THIS night. (And that too... unconsciously expecting to be ripped from what-ever “sleep” I MIGHT get... 2, 3, 4, times during the night, the walking about... the almost-inability to get up and out of the bed... Oh well...)
Sat.16.Apr: 6.29 I'm not sure how or why but I'm up and dressed... had “first coffee. And yes, I'm bloody tired. There SOMETHING FLOATING *ON* MY RIGHT EYE-BALL! I CAN'T SEEM TO GET RID OF IT! EVEN WITH DROPS. There really MUST be something going on with my body from the shoulders-up... the eyes, ears... and I'm betting it's all got something to do with teeth, but... anyway.... there's no sense pissing about it unless there's something that's going to be done about it. Maybe when the truck is back in running order... - Anyway... another day... Just waiting for my Heart-and-Soul... -
12.33 GOOD THING I MADE MYSELF A GRILLED CHEESE SAMMICH JUST NOW BECAUSE... I MADE THE TERRIBLE MISTAKE OF CHECKING TODAY'S POST: THE NYSEG BILL WAS THE ONLY THING IN THERE, AS I EXPECTED... WHAT I DID NOT EXPECT IS THE AMOUNT BILLED... ***** THEY INCREASED THE “BUDGET” BY ***** 125$ !!! ***** BANG ***** NO FORE-WARNING... JUST ***** BANG ***** !!!!! INSTEAD OF 55,92$, THE PAYMENT IS NOW ***** 180,92$ ***** BUT ***** MY ACTUAL “TOTAL ENERGY CHARGES FOR THE MONEY IS ONLY 126,56$ ***** 54,36$ LESS THAN THE “BUDGET” !!!!! ***** AND, OF COURSE, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT TODAY, OR TOMORROW... AND I'M NOT SURE ABOUT MONDAY SINCE SUNDAY IS A “HOLIDAY”. ***** MY TOTAL REMAINING ON NEXT MONTH'S “HOUSE-HOLD BUDGET” AFTER DOING NOTHING BUT PAYING THE “BASE” IS 142,09$... FOR THE COMING 4 WEEKS... 35,52/WEEK. ***** BUT ***** THAT 142? THAT'S WITH-OUT SPENDING *ANY* CASH FROM THE REMAINING MONEY FROM *THIS* MONTH'S “HOUSE-HOLD” BUDGET WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO PAY THE NEW BRAKES. ***** THAT SAID, THE NEW BRAKES? WELL... - 13.12 DIVERSION... THERE REALLY IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT ANY OF THIS TODAY... AND, SADLY, NOBODY TO GO TO “TALK IT OUT” WITH, UNLESS I GO DOWN TO DAN... BUT... ANYWAY, I'M LOOKING THROUGH ALL THE RECEIPTS OF MAINTENANCE ON THE TRUCK AND HAVE TO DO A NEW “SPREAD-SHEET” BASED ON RECEIPTS... AND FIND THE OLD SPREAD-SHEET. I'M INTERESTED IN ALL THE WORK THAT'S BEEN DONE ON THE * BRAKES * ALONE. ANYWAY, IT PROVIDES A “DISTRACTION/DIVERSION” OR... WELL, TRUTH BE TOLD... THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO, SAVE TAKE THE JOB AT THE PO NEXT DOOR... WHICH MEANS TWO DAYS IN ALBANY... IN THE TRUCK... SUCH FUN. BUT IT'S ABOUT 150$/WK. INCOME... 600/MONTH... AND... I DO BELIEVE I JUST MIGHT GO FOR IT... EVEN FOR A FEW MONTHS. I CAN ALWAYS QUIT. - OH... TALKED WITH ROBIN THIS MORNING AS SHE WAS LEAVING. SHE NOTICED SHE HASN'T SEEN ME IN WEEKS “BUT I HEARD THE WATER RUNNING SO I KNEW YOU WERE 'ALIVE'.” SHE TOO... “FATIGUE” AND WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT “CVPH” SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER! ANYWAY... I'M HAVING A TEA AND WORKING ON THE SPREAD-SHEET. - HONESTLY? IF NOT FOR YONAH... “BDM” AND “CHECK-OUT”. STILL, THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS: I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE IN THIS FUCK-FEST AND WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN DO... COME THE WEEK. MEAN-WHILE... IT'S ANOTHER CASE OF “WHAT NEXT”? “LIFE”... IT REALLY ISN'T WORTH THE WORRY. -
22.00 The fucking furnace is fucking running and I'm running fucking late... REALLY late... and I just don't care any more. I'm almost back to fucking smoking a-fucking-gain... I almost don't fucking care but except for what-ever health purposes not smoking will help with as far as Yonah is concerned. - It COULD have been a perfectly SHIT day... but... BUT...
I JUST CAN'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT ALL OF THIS BULL-SHIT! NOT RIGHT NOW! I'VE WORKED SO FUCKING HARD FOR THE YEARS I'VE BEEN HERE TO KEEP THE BILLS CURRENT, TO DO ALL I POSSIBLY CAN TO KEEP A GOOD, CLEAN RECORD... IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING ELSE THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING AND NOW? I'VE RUN COMPLETELY OUT OF SHITS AND FUCKS. PLAN? FUCK THE NYSEG BILL... THEY HAVE TO WAIT FOR SOME TIME BEFORE CUTTING THE SERVICE AND THANKFULLY WE'RE GOING INTO THE WARMER WEATHER... SADLY... FOOD IN THE FRIDGE MIGHT GO BAD AND YONAH MIGHT HAVE TO DO WITH-OUT A LITTLE FOUNTAIN... AND I MIGHT HAVE TO GO WITH-OUT THE LAP-TOP (BUT THAT'S ABOUT TO SHIT THE SHEETS TOO ANYWAY SO...) BUT... THE PLAN NOW, TONIGHT, IS... I'LL CALL NYSEG ON MONDAY AND EXPLAIN AND SEE WHAT THEY CAN OR WON'T DO... I'LL JUST BUDGET FOR BRAKES AND RENT AND BASIC OTHER SHIT... ALL OF WHICH, OTHER THAN THE LOAN PAYMENT, CAN BE PUT OFF FOR A BIT. (JULY IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT BECAUSE OF THE REGISTRATION AND INSPECTION AND I DOUBT I'LL PASS INSPECTION BUT... ) AND THAT'S ALL... AND I WILL TRY TO GET THE JOB AT THE FUCKING PO. WTF? EH? IT'LL KILL THESE DOLTS BUT FUKKEM! IF... IF I CAN EVEN GET THE JOB! (The PO site for it is down until Monday anyway...) AND, AS I THINK OF IT... I DON'T HAVE TO CALL NYSEG... I DON'T “HAVE” TO DO ANYTHING UNTIL NEXT MONTH ANYWAY SO... TIME TO LIVE THE FUCK LIKE THE REST OF THE FUCKERS DO... AND TAKE IT FROM THERE... IN REALITY... TODAY'S BULL-SHIT NEVER HAPPENED... AND IT'S THE 16TH... THERE'S 14 DAYS TO SIMPLY GO ON ABOUT BULL-SHIT... YONAH AND I WILL BE PERFECTLY FINE! AND OTHER-WISE? I'LL CALL ALL SORTS OF PLACES... AND IF I MUST... I'LL GO THROUGH HUD... SECTION 8 AND SEE WHAT I CAN GET OUT OF THEM...
OH... AND THIS EVENING I SEE THAT THE FUCKING CAT FROM ACROSS THE FUCKING MAIN WAS IN THE BACK AT THE GALLERY !!! THERE'S A WAR TO COME! TOMORROW, I'M OFF TO MAKE ANOTHER BIRD FEEDER AND SET SOMETHING UP TO PUT A HURTING ON THAT DAMNED CAT! I REMEMBER DAN JUST TELLING ME THAT JEFF APPARENTLY TOLD PATTIE... IT WAS HER OLD GREY CAT THAT WAS THE BANE OF THE HAMLET... “IF YOUR CAT ATTACKS MY BIRDS I'LL SHOOT YOUR CAT.” SO THERE! MOVING THE FUCK ALONG....
Yonah's photos, videos, Journal is ready to be posted to the servers... I'm not really tired... imagine that... back to smoking and the horrid fatigue is gone... and the fucking stress of the day... So... I'm just going to post today to the servers and go on as if the bull-shit and fuckerie du jour never happened... - OH... MUST TO MENTION:
Deborah sent a “Get Well” card with a bag of Easter sorts of items, including a copy of “Metro” which reminded me of KENDALL and got me crying. I HOPE THOSE GUYS ARE HAPPY AND SAFE NOW... And in the card she wrote “You are in my heart and prayers every day”... and signed it “Deborah, Julio and Rosie”
I'm not as shitty as advertised? - 24.23 No ice cream... no last smoke... just lost in hit videos and a bit of soc.med. Tomorrow (later today?) is going to be difficult... I'm off to teeth and rack now... Let's see if I can manage a “snooze”. I'm not really “wound up” because of today... after all... there's nothing that can be done and what I'm planning is.. well... not bad. I just need the truck rolling... for medical and employment... and won't it be a fucking laff-riot if I get the spot at the PO? REALLY piss New Russia off!
Sun.17.Apr: 9.47 That “Instigator”& cohort just dove by... I'm impressed with me... looked right at it, through it and made it abundantly clear... I detest it. - Listening to “TSOP” collections... and my heart is... well... at G's and the Limelight and Les Mouches. - It was difficult getting out of the bed at 6.30 on the wall clock, this morning. But, I dragged me up and out and got the kettle on and, as I was trying to “clear my head”, fighting the urge to simply go back to bed or go to Yonah's futon... 6.47 and “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... this “holiday Sunday” had commenced... and my Little Guy was ready to attack it! And it was another BEAUTIFUL beginning to the day with him... BUT, SOME-HOW, ONE OF THE HOOKS ON THE BACK BOARD GOT STUCK IN THE WIRING OF HIS HOUSE! AND IT'S DESTROYED... BEND... USELESS... I had to take it out completely... and now I have to get into town to get another package of them. Oh well... no prob. There's “cash” in the house and they cost all of about 2 or 3 dollars so... when I get around to getting there... - And this morning, Deborah and Olivia came by... but not to stop in. I managed to catch them before they drove off. (I was about to Hoover Yonah's room in case they stopped in later.) Deborah asked if there's anything I need in town and told me to let her know if I do need... that she'll do some shopping for me. So I told here I'm going in, either today or tomorrow. I'd have to give her my card... oh well. Just too much to deal with, though I'm sure she wouldn't mind using the FS at all! I believe she's got a “rich” back-ground with such things... working with/for “God's Love” and such. Anyway... She said she didn't want to wake me up. I told her I'm up at about 5.30 and she said “But if you need to go back to sleep...” - So there we have it. Yonah's room is Hoovered and clean. The sun is trying to come through the clouds. It's already managed to melt the snow on Greene. Yes, there was snow up there this morning. And it's a bit “chilly” out there this morning too... Lots of single-digit temperatures in the forecast. Hey... it ain't July yet. - I'm going to finish some paper-work... (after a lie-down... this morning I deserve one... I'm on about 5 hours “half sleep”... it was almost impossible to fall asleep last night... not because of shit but because of shit in general) and if/when... head to the garage to make the new bird-feeder! (I have to get more food for them too!)
Have decided I'll call NYSEG at the end of the month and see what comes of that. Other-wise, I just won't pay the bill for a month and work the rest of it out some-how...
I'll have to see how it works out for the brakes...
On Monday, I'll check the USPS site and see if this shit-box is listed for a “PMR” and if so, apply. If nothing else, it'll be a great “revenge”... and I'll run the office bu the book. Done. They can deal with it... after all, the ones who hate me most are the ones who “voted” for this fuck-fest that's forcing me back to work. My way of “giving them what they deserve”.
For now... a quick snooze as the sun shines in the window... I'm not feeling “well” but not feeling “not well”... and “TSOP” plays “I'll Always Love My Mama”... imagine. - 19.10 Time for the wind-down... I can't believe I pissed the entire day away going through all those files and shit! BUT I stayed up, awake... for most of it... and had a BLAST with YONAH! - I'm still working and re-working the budget for May. If I could be happy with 50$ for the entire month... I could possibly afford the brakes... then I can't afford the gas to drive. But... bills would be paid... provided Avery doesn't shaft me with a 200$ gas bill. But there's time. - Qunt make a wash again today and it SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE FUCKING LOO! TOMORROW... A CALL TO THE MASS-HOLE. THIS SHIT IS NOW A HEALTH HAZARD AND I'M DONE WITH THIS! Still looking for another place... (I have to check the oil tank... I won't leave him that oil!) - Anyway... off to Yonah's Journal before tuck-in... I don't want to be up at mid-night again tonight! Not that I have anything of importance tomorrow... save threatening Liztoon... I need “market”... and might drop for a pack of smokes of some kind... I shouldn't but... I actually feel better smoking... can't say why but... there we have it... - And for some reason, my bowels are moving now... at this time of day! SHIT! Literally. - 20.43 I don't know HOW... HOW the time flips by so fucking quickly! But... Yonah's Journal is coded and this is all that's left. - I FUCKING HAD TO FUCKING MOP THE FUCKING LOO FLOOR BEFORE GETTING TO THIS. I MIGHT ACTUALLY SHOWER BEFORE RACK... though probably not... I'm tired already. BUT FUCK THIS SHIT! TOMORROW... A CALL TO THE MASS-HOLE! HEY! IF HE DOESN'T DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS AND IT'S THE SEPTIC TANK... NEW RUSSIA'S NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY! NOR IS THE POST OFFICE WHEN THAT LOO CAN'T BE USED! Shame, really, that I don't have the where-with-all to run the vent pipe down to the cellar... and over toward the PO loo... tee hee... - Anyway... At least I've managed to fuck about with the “Budget”... I feel a bit better... not much... won't feel quite “OK” until I talk with NYSEG... IF I bother at all. I might just ignore and wait and see... but then... come June... DOUBLE WHAMMY... and then comes truck registration and inspection... and... I've almost no doubt, new exhaust? Anyway... we'll see how I manage to feel about things... - For now... I'm rather looking forward to applying for the PO job... NOT going to Albany, mind, but... I'll have to ask Robin where, in Albany... hopefully not far from the Northway... Anyway... - Time to post this to the servers... I will NOT be up at mid-night tonight! - 22.27 NOT GOOD
Mon.18.Apr: (Catch-up 9.54 Wed.20.Apr. BECAUSE OF THIS CHRONIC FATIGUE BULL-SHIT! FUCK!)
HORRID NIGHT LAST NIGHT! WOKE TO THE BLANKETS BALLED, SOCKS OFF, BED A MESS, AND I FELT AS THOUGH I HADN'T SLEPT IN MONTHS! I don't recall having any particular “bad dream” or anything that would have caused all that “un-rest” although there's just the lingering “ort” of something that had to do with:
Being in a hospital or something and they'd put me through for some kind of “health insurance”... “Medicaid” or some “social insurance” and they wanted to discharge me to the 30th Street shelter! But, as I say, I don't recall anything else that would have caused all that tossing and turning. REALLY! The bed was a complete mess! I had to fight to get out from under all the blankets!
OK... that said... as for the rest of the day... I checked to see it I could apply for the job at the PO here... If bills are going to pile-up like this and I'll have to take my “medical care” to Albany, I now HAVE TO MUST get the truck in shape for the drives to come. (Fuck this Demuro and “UVM” and the rest. At this point, it would be in my better interest to go down to The City and into and ER there and get things done... maybe in Montefiore, but at the rate “health care” is running in this fucking shit-hole of a Communist-Socialist country, I doubt even that's any good... especially considering St. Lukes, Newburgh is no part of that conglomerate. We, as a country, as a species, are fucked... I don't understand it but... “It's a great time in humanity to be “old”... before the real torture sets in... and I see that coming ever-so soon.) Well, as Fate would have it, the posting has been taken-down... so I'll just have to wait... But that's OK, for now. I'd have to go to Albany for the “indoctrination” anyway... and there's no telling where, in Fux name, they'll send me for the urine drug test. Since we have a hospital right here in town... no doubt, it's probably back up in Plattsburgh anyway. SO? So... I wait. - This morning, I stopped over to the PO to check where the “indoctrination” takes place and Robin says it's in Albany-proper... not “in 'the city of' but she says it's really easy to get to... right off the Northway... exit 2. I'm thinking “Colonie”... will have to check. But Amy was there and we got to chatting too and SHE CAME OVER TO SEE YONAH! She's an encouragement to me, and a great support. She's got so many connections with actual “Rehabbers” and in her opinion, she doesn't believe that ANYBODY would deny Yonah's right to live right where he is. She's so impressed with his house and how much interest I have in him and “Rehabbing” and such. So, I'm more at peace with the situation... although I don't doubt for a moment that somebody... the evil in the world anymore, will or would come along... and try to take him away. But, if they should... they'll have murder on their hands... I'll see too that.. (I'd sooner expect that instigator, Nell Painter, to try pulling shit. But... she'll be “attended”... in due course...) - In other news... I rang NYSEG this morning and spoke with a “Jason” there... reported the pole number on the ticket for the light. He says the ticket is still open. “They must be waiting for the part or something.” At leas the ticket is still open... and they know I'm not just letting the whole thing go. -
DEBORAH STOPPED BY THIS MORNING... BROUGHT A SLICE OF APPLE PIE AND A LITTLE CARD... AND TOOK OFF, AS SHE DOES. WHEN I OPENED THE LITTLE ENVELOPE... 505$ “TO HELP WITH THE ELECTRIC BILL” !!! I CAN'T REALLY “ACCEPT” THIS MONEY FROM HER, SO I'LL HAVE TO FIGURE A WAY TO GET IT BACK TO HER WITH-OUT HURTING ANY FEELINGS, BUT IT MADE TODAY THAT MUCH EASIER... IT HEADED TO TOWN, MOSTLY FOR THE GLUE AND HOOKS TO FIX YONAH'S HOUSE !!! AND WHILST THERE... WENT TO MARKET TOO. “FATE” STEPPED IN... AGAIN... IT REALLY WAS A GREAT HELP AT A MOMENT WHEN HELP IS SO DESPERATELY NEEDED !!! I HAVE TO WONDER... “WHO, HOW, WHY”... It makes it difficult to keep not believing in some sort of “Divine Intervention”.
When I rolled into town, the brake light wasn't on in the truck until I got to the parking lot at the market. Just as I was feeling a little more secure. Although I REALLY DON'T HAVE BRAKES in the truck, it was a little easier not seeing the fucking red light on the dash. So I parked at the market, toddled over to Stewart's for a pack of “99s”. They're STILL NOT GETTING TOBACCO shipments in this bloody fuck-stop! I have to wonder... suspicious as all Hell... Paula at the cashe. “Hi!” I swear she remembers me but not why. Anyway, walked up to Aubuchon's for the hooks and glue, had a nice chat there about cost of living fuckerie. An older guy there didn't say anything but it's obvious... People are at wits' end with this bull-shit. One of these days maybe well get lucky and... BANG! Though I doubt it... Nobody's got the fucking guts... I often wonder, if I had the opportunity... but no.. Yonah... The world should only know who much in his debt they are. The, after Aubuchon's, walked back to the market for a few items and then... into the truck to roll back to the shit-box. It takes quite a lot out of me, rolling along hoping nobody pulls out in front of me or steps in front... and then, hoping I can stop at the end of the drive... never mind, hoping I can actually just roll into the drive... this place... this place... But I made it. - WHEN I GOT BACK... YONAH CALLED AS I WALKED INTO THE HOUSE! ALL ANXIETIES DISAPPEARED. I WAS BACK. HE WAS HERE. ALL WAS WELL. AND HE CAME OUT TO SEE ME IN THE KITCHEN AS I PUT THE FREEZER STUFF UP! ALL WAS WELL WITH THE WORLD! - I settled in at the work table... the doors open for fresh air. It was that comfy out there today when... “HELLO” at the front door. DEBORAH AND OLIVIA! They'd been up at “Bill's” where Olivia likes to be with his horses... I'd seen the car parked at the barn but, because of the brakes... I didn't stop. Anyway... they came in and Yonah was his usual self... hiding away in his house... He'd done the same thing when Amy came in this morning. But when I reached into his house, he pecked at my hand, as he does. Olivia was amazed, thinking it would hurt. But I got to thank Deborah for her kindness, though I didn't say much in front of Olivia. And it was a delight to have the company... ESPECIALLY DEBORAH... FOR YONAH. I want him to get used to seeing her and hearing her voice and knowing that she's no threat to him... If I EVER NEED somebody to watch him... SHE'S THE ONE! - I'd phone the Mass-hole this morning about the fucking washer flooding the loo... Apparently the number registered on his phone because he returned the call this after-noon... not knowing who it was who called... Dolt. So I told him about the “flooding” but stressed that my concern is the timbers in the house... the floor joists getting wet and rotting. (I'm such a concerned tenant... for his property... the fuck I am.) He says he's coming by first week in May. Said that the line might have to be snaked and/or the septic tank has to be cleaned. HE claims “It hasn't been emptied since before you moved in.” Mayor McFktard says they don't recall it EVER being cleaned in the 30-plus years they've been here. Then Mass-hole goes into not knowing where the opening for the septic tank is... he THINKS it's at the other back walk... which explains why that one's shorter than the one back here. Asks ME if I have the diagram! Moron! THEN SUGGESTS THAT I TALK WITH THE ONE NEXT DOOR AND ASK HER TO PHONE ME BEFORE SHE MAKES A WASH SO THAT I CAN WATCH FOR THE FLOODING. He asked if we talk. I didn't actually say much of anything... but “I'll leave it up to you, if you talk with her and how you want to approach it.” FUCK YOU! IT'S YOUR FUCKING PROPERTY! But we'll see how it rolls. If anything, it's nice to know it's planning on visiting... FUCK! - He did say that he hasn't spoken to anybody in town all Winter... he lies, I'm sure, and that that means everybody's quite happy (with me) and thanked me for keeping watch on the place. What a waste... really. But... we're looking to get out of here anyway sooooo.... - I DID check on the “PO Plant” in ALbany... and YES... IT IS IN COLONIE! Oh... I'm so fucking brilliant! On Central! Imagine that! While looking, I checked the old “Arcadia”... oh, the memories of that one night... so smashed. I still don't know the guy's name... never saw him again, but WHAT A NIGHT THAT WAS! AND... .to think, Liz's “Adam” was conceived there! Oh... the parallel. “History”... dead and gone. But the old place is so changed. They must have re-built. It's still on the internet under “Arcadia” but is now called “Budget” (I have to liken it to the North Start and wouldn't doubt. If I could part from Yonah for a night, I'd consider looking into spending the night there when I have to go to Albany for the PO. One night... ICK! No doubt.) Anyway, instead of it being the little white buildings behind the office, it's one of those shitty “boxy” sorts of buildings AND what used to be the drive-way is now an actual street... called, of all things “Arcadia Ct”! HAH! So classy! They should only know. But it was odd again, following Central on the map... knowing where I was but not recognising so much. Central is now about 4 lanes wide! And SO MUCH has been SO BUILT UP! Reminds me of Union Ave. in Newburgh. Nothing's the same, and nothing's “improved”. It's fucking disgusting. And to think... Albany too... a nothing place... and yet, so much building and expanding. Humanity is desperate... and all they bring with is the cancer that they are. Oh well.. .again... a great time to be “old”. There won't be much more of this to tolerate... If not for Yonah... my Heart-and-Soul... and the LOVE. - CHECKED THE OIL TODAY... NOT YET DOWN TO 3/4 BUT GOING. NOT BAD... NOT “GREAT”, BUT NOT BAD... AT LEAST THERE'S ENOUGH TO PULL US THROUGH THE COLD THAT'S STILL TO COME. THAT WAS A RELIEF! I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT THINGS WOULD BE HAD I NOT CALLED FOR THAT “EMERGENCY DELIVERY”! I DON'T WANT TO IMAGINE! - The old ATT phone is SO fucking-up with the “speaker” connection tonight. I wanted to listen to some sort of “radio” through it but the static and then nothing. One of these days... another expense... Anyway... - (20.34 NOTES) I'm sneeezy tonight! I don't know why... what the actual fuck goes on with this old body... just suddenly... sneezing and drippy nose. And I'm SO SO SO SO TIRED! But that's becoming “normal”... I'm NOT going to “adjust to it”, it angers me which makes me all the more tired. And then... a fucking so-called “doctor” that obviously doesn't give a shit... well? I'm back to having my smokes... I've seen the x-ray, haven't gotten a call about them, the visit to the ER... nor anything about the CT that's now OVER-DUE... Yep... Albany Med... here we come... I NEED to be around... I need to “BE”... I have a little LIFE I need to attend... and I'll be raw-fucked if I'll let the apathy of some retarded quack stand in my way. - Forecast if for a bit of “horrific” to come. More SNOW... and “threatening” too. Mostly, as I see, out in l'Estrie region. We'll probably just get wet snow... But I have the tea-lights at the ready in case the power fails. Thankfully there's enough oil to keep us warm in case of outage tomorrow. I'll set the house to about 68-70F... warm it up quite a bit... just in case. - I'd REALLY LIKE TO GET A SHOWER IN TONIGHT BEFORE RACK. It might help with sleep... I doubt it but... I doubt it'll help with sleep... and I'm not really sure about having the energy for a shower either. But I can “consider” it. - Odd... THIS SHIT-BOX STINKS TONIGHT! AS IF SOMETHING HAS DIED IN THE WALLS... AGAIN! JOLLY! FUCK! There haven't been any of the “usual” noises in the walls this year and the mice seem to be kept out. But there's just no telling. Maybe its “her” washing. I don't know. It's not a constant stink, but it's there. (Hopefully it's not ME!) - 20.14 Nope... no shower tonight. I'm TOO FUCKING TIRED! JUST TOO TOO FUCKING TIRED... A-FUCKING-GAIN! AND, I NEED TO SET AN ALARM... FOR ABOUT 4.00 TOMORROW... JUST TO CHECK THE POWER. The winds are picking up out there. I can hear them/it blowing against the windows. There's a very light rain falling now... It isn't “cold” out there... yet... Oh well... off to the rack... There's nothing I can do about the weather..Let us rejoice in the oil for the furnace... and being prepared with tea-lights... “rejoice”... what-ever.
Tue.19.Apr: 16.14 Nothing compares to living your fucking life in 3 hours or less... I'm SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING SO FUCKING TIRED SO FUCKING MUCH! BUT... I was up, begrudgingly, to be sure, at about 6.15 or 6.20... Not that I didn't sleep at some fucking point during the fucking night, but, as usual, I was BLOODY-FUCKING EXHAUSTED! AND... AGAIN, LAST NIGHT, THE SAME DREAM AS SUNDAY NIGHT, THOUGH WHEN I WOKE ON MONDAY MORNING, OUT OF IT, I DIDN'T REMEMBER ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY PAY MUCH A ATTENTION TO IT. STILL...
It was an ambiguous time of day... but it really didn't matter because I was in some sort of hospital or medical facility of the kind. I had my jeans and shoes on but a johnny-gown on top. I'd been “in” for some sort of “procedure” or just a general malaise. That point too, was ambiguous. But it was rather “darkly lit”, as would be a public clinic in The City. I'd been sitting on one of those plastic-and-wire chairs for quite some time, waiting to either go for some sort of “test” or to be discharged. The staff were “nightmarish”! An over-weight, “grungy” sort of “nurse”, “white trash”, curly hair, looked as though she hadn't bathed in MONTHS! She had a miserable attitude, just mean. And three “orderlies” roaming about. They too, were in dire need of bathing. Each was of a different body weight from “rather stocky” to out-right obese. Their general attitudes and demeanours were horrific as well. It was more like a “house of torture” than a medical facility. (Generally, I'd have to say it was a “dark reminiscence” of the day I was sent to Belleue to apply for Medicaid.) I was to understand that there was some reason I might have to stay the night and leave the following day, but, as it can be in a “hospital”, I was feeling quite ignored, “dodged”, “avoided” and as if my very presence there, although nobody was paying any attention to me, was an inconvenience of some sort. The entire staff were just rude, simply by ignoring me. All I kept thinking was how I wanted to get what-ever I was there for, over and done with so that I could be “discharged”. - As I sat there, in the chair, the “nurse” called over to one of the orderlies: “Tell Benny/Lenny (I can't recall which but it was either one or both) that the 'new, insured' (I was only just “newly insured” at the time when I got to the facility) will be going to 30th Street tomorrow.” * 30th Street* being... oh yes... THE SHELTER !!! - I was LIVID! INFURIATED! ANGRY! PISSED-OFF! They'd “threatened” me with a “discharge to the shelter” earlier in the day. Seems THEY'D pushed my “insurance” through so that they'd get paid for me just being there AND the insurance would pay the shelter for taking me as a “medical”. (This bit was SO reminiscent of Peninsula Hospital that it's almost physically sickening!) I was their “cash cow” and nothing else. In an absolute RAGE, to where my body was literally tingling, I stood up from the chair and YELLED...
“NO he will NOT be going to 30th Street! I have a house, a home to go to (I WOKE YELLING) AND INDEED, TO BE SURE, I SHALL!”
and... I threw the blankets off of me and got out of the bed.
And THAT is how the day commenced. - And I was “dark” this morning. But the house was warm. I'd put the thermostat up to 70F last night, in case the power went out. It was about 6.15 or 6.20! I'd set the alarm for 4.00 this morning but never heard it. Fuck me. But, the power had managed to stay up through the night. - Went to the kitchen, put the kettle on, looked out-side. It was ever-so lightly snowing. None of the “horrific storm” that was threatened last night. So I went on about “things”. Sadly (for me), I got dressed and I stepped out to have a quickie-smoke on the front porch. There was a considerable covering of snow... HEAVY, WET SNOW. But it was so peaceful that the only sound to be heard was the “thud” of snow falling from the limbs and power wires. It really was quite beautiful... at the time... for the while. A perfect beginning to the day... really, in spite of the snow.
7.06... MORNING CALL! YONAH-BIBINESS WAS UP AND AWAKE! AND CHATTY TOO! We had quite the conversation as I got me together to go into his room. - He was happy to see me again, this morning, so he wiped the night-mare away and we got right to the windows and waters and such.. AND... AS WE DID SO...
THE LIGHT SNOWS TURNED TO HEAVY SNOW-FALL!
It really started, in mere moments, to come down steadily and it was visibly HEAVY... WET! Impressive. But there's something about an April snow that isn't “oppressive” because, at this time of the year, there's a comfort in knowing that it isn't the harbinger of MONTHS more of it and that, in some time to come, it'll be gone. That, and knowing that there's oil in the tank for heat. So moving through the “morning routine” was rather pleasant... and the chatting with Yonah? Well... THAT ALWAYS makes the morning worth the getting up and out of bed for. - When all was done and finished, I stepped out for a bit of a couple of drags (smokes on the front porch) and noticed a sign at the Hill... IT WAS CLOSED! I couldn't figure why, but decided to take a little stroll down to see what was going on. First thoughts were that the bridge was closed. Either the river got blocked with heavy snows and ice jams or... because it's supposed to be replaced anyway, maybe it had finally gone out. Anyway, I came back into the house and was getting the “phone/cam” together to take photos... if there was anything worth photographing... 8.34 and the phone rings... Deborah... calling to see if we had power... Her generator had come on at 6.30 and was still running. They were out! I told her that the Hill is closed and that I'm just going out to “investigate”. - AS I stepped out the front door... at about 8.45... Robin was already at the PO AND Mr. McFuknut was there, shovelling the snow from the ramp. All I said was “Oh look, 'great minds'.” I had NO intention of shovelling anything this morning but the comment was to serve as “Well, I was just coming out to do it but since he was there already...” What-the-fuck-ever. So I just went on my merry way. (FUCK! I can't walk out the back door nor the front with-out having to be “confronted” with one of the 2 major morons! I SO want out of this place and away from these shits!) Anyway... down the Hill and... Ed had his truck parked on the Hill at Lakota... the line across was down... Dan was out so I stopped to chat and see what what what down there. Dan had power but the rest of Lakota (the other 3 houses) were out. The snow on the trees was obviously taking a toll... the pines were drooping but... at Germain's, MORE lines down, and trees were split. NYSEG did show up, but of course, they get out of the trucks, walk about, look about, get back in the trucks and off they go. So I took some photos, chatted some more with Dan who bitched a bit about the power and other aspects of living up here. I had to laugh and comment about people who come here to rurals and then bitch. But I made sure to mention that yes, in fact, I'm another one who left “the big city” to come here... but this was my goal, ambition and dream... Though, in truth, Dan came here because Mike wanted this... Poor Dan... I do think of how it must be for him... being in that house, now, alone... a house that he and Mike were to share for... “Life”... just existence... Reminds me of mother's philosophy... There is no Hell after this... THIS is Hell... after this there's only peace. Well... If nothing else, this morning's “event” got me out of the house for a bit... but by the time I got back in... it was after 10.00 already! The morning was almost GONE! FUCK! Time just goes by too damned quickly! - So I got to the day's “internet bull-shit”... e-mails and the likes and SUDDENLY... AS IT DOES... AT ABOUT 11.00... THE FUCKING FATIGUE SLAMMED ME! I HAD... *HAD* TO NAP! It's not as though I'd been particularly tired when I got out of bed this morning... and I didn't “do” anything other than toddle down the road, take photos, chat with and drag me back up... But FUCK! THE *FATIGUE* IS DEBILITATING! *IT* doesn't make me sick... The fact that it just *IS* angers and annoys me to the point where it just makes the fatigue worse! Well so fuck then... NAP... - I got up at about 13.00 and... that was when I actually “started” the day...
I DID MANAGE TO GET THE LITTLE WOOD-BLOCK BRACES FOR YONAH'S SHELVES FIXED! EPOXIED THE WHITE CLIPS TO THEM (4) AND MANAGED TO USE THE ENTIRE REMAINS IN THE ORIGINAL TUBE. I could have gotten away with not buying another one, but, it's always good to have on-hand anyway. AND I FINALLY GOT TO “RINSE” THE MOSSES THAT HAVE BEEN IN THE LIVING-ROOM... HOT WATER, COOL WATER, COLD... There's a LOT of wood on them and I'm not particularly comfortable with that so... we let them REALLY dry out and I'll see what I can do about it before putting it into Yonah's house. There's really no particular rush... Maybe on Mothers' Day we'll do another major House-Keeping and I'll put the fresh mosses in then. For now... they're on the tray, back in the living-room... to dry. - 19.21 Up from a 45-minute snooze... sun setting and most of the snow from the day is gone. A little more expected over-night. - Deborah is still with-out power. Something about the line from the road to her house. I can't believe NYSEG will let them go with-out power over-night! They're on a propane generator! She's got the grand-kids there and a couple of extra dogs in the house! Not to mention... Julio... who I'm sure, won't appreciate being cold. I've extended an invitation... I mean, I can't go down there and pull them all out and up there. (I don't think Deborah would want to stay here anyway. Compared to her house... But, in the cold... we do what we have to... or... at least... some do.) - I'm SO far behind again in all this journalling. I just can't stay awake long enough. As soon as I sit to get to it... I'm exhausted! Well? I did answer “3”... “Perfectly Likely” to the questions for that fucking “sleep test”... so... And I'm still rather “intrigued” that nobody's called to mention that I'm not getting it. They're all so fucking useless... they truly are. Well... I'll take my time and find another “Primary”... in Albany... get the truck fixed and away we go! I've had more than enough of this bull-shit. - The actual factual truth is as I thought today:
If not for Yonah, at this point and juncture, I truly would just go to bed and not bother to get up again... just “wait”.
20.37 I'm sitting at the kitchen table... Yonah has been tucked-in from since about 19.50. I'm trying to catch-up with his Journal (at least... because I doubt I'll catch-up with this one) and IN THE CEILING, IN THE CORNER BY YONAH'S DOOR, SOMETHING SOUNDED AS IF IT WERE “ROLLING” ACROSS THE CEILING ... THE FLOOR UP-STAIRS! ODD! IT WASN'T FROM NEXT DOOR... IT WAS IN THE CEILING! I WONDER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON NOW! I HAVEN'T BEEN UP THERE ALL WINTER... NOT EVEN TO PUT MORE MOTH BALLS IN (I can't afford them right now anyway... pathetic as that is). I haven't heard anything int he walls all Winter... the mice seem to be “out of the house” so I wonder... I just wonder... Maybe I need to toddle up there again? I don't want to but, I don't want the ceiling coming down either... Something more to mind... and to hold onto... should there be any mention of a rent rise? HUD will be up there... to be sure! - Back to Yonah's journal... tonight looks like another night of no shower... I'm losing steam here... - 21.33 JUST posted Yonah's journal to the sever... I'm tired... want a bit of a nosh and to get to RACK! I've taken my naprox... so... there's nothing left for me to do, really. A shower would be nice but... It's a fucking shame, really... were that a tub in there, I'd be fine, hopping in, but that shower is just so fucking uncomfortable... and the water pressure is an annoyance. One day... one day... but for this day... no way... I'm not going any-where tomorrow any way so... and if I do go any-where... it would only be to the river for more water and I don't have to be “presentable” for that. At least this shit-box is “calm”! Fuck. - 3°/-1° now... a bit of “flocons” in the forecast. -3° tomorrow morning at about 6.00. FUCK! But sun-shine for the day.. we shall see. - Right now... WRAP! I'm fed-up and tired and fed-up with being tired. - 22.57 No matter what I do... how I try... what I intend... these new sun-set hours are... FUCKIT! Off to the rack! No shower... Really... Why bother?
Wed.20.Apr: 19.00 And... I'm throwing another day together here...with a shit-load of yesterday to still put together... The high-light of the day...
11.43 Power out just as I'm typing an e-mail to Deborah! And the battery on this lap-top is SHIT. In 3 minutes down to 94%! Oh well... here we go... and I just thought: well... no internet... I can't Hoover. Oh just jolly fuck me... stupid! - 16.57 Power back on at just about 16.00 SO RUSH... the chicken got seasoned and is in the oven. On the hob... “Stir Fry” mix with broken pasta, salsa... Yonah's room is Hoovered... BUT DEBORAH IS STILL WITH-OUT POWER! JEEZUS KRISTE! And me? Well, as I think: good thing I'm accustomed to shoving an entire day into 3 hours... FUCK! - Meal time... But at least Yonah's room is 24° and never dropped below 23°! The sun has been shining all through the day...
And so, there... that was the high-light... And it happened as I was actually catching-up with two days worth of “notes” on this journal and was in the midst of composing an e-mail to Deborah... And so, I went for an hour's snooze and when I woke, I strolled down to Dan's to check to see if he had any info. Two hours later, I was back in the shit-box... and, as noted, the power came back up. - Now? I SHOVED EVERY bit of the day in the time I had... the chicken is cooked and in the fridge. Yonah's waters have been changed. And I'm going to focus on his Journal now... after all... ALL of my day is really HIM. - Oh but mean-while... Deborah is STILL with-out power! THAT is unforgivably insane! I wonder... Tonight is supposed to be -3°... HOW the fuck do people expect people to survive? Especially... since Deborah and Julio are in their 70s! This world is such a shit... It would be a kindness to wipe this planet out again... another “extinction”... let the next species in line take control... I doubt any could fuck things up as much as this one has done. - If not for Yonah... If not for Yonah... - 20.17 Yonah's Journal is on the server. This one needs catching-up but I'm tired and I WANT a shower tonight! - I still am rather impressed that I managed to get a day's-worth of shit done... with-in and hour and even now... Yonah is tucked-in... dishes are put up... his Journal is current and here I am... ready to just get up and go to rack, quite frankly... but... I don't dare go too early lest I'm up in he middle of the night... and tonight, not a good idea... I need smokes again... and so I have to figure out how to afford them... and how to cut back again! FUCK ME! - I'm a bit pissed tonight... truth is: with the increase in Soc.Sec. and the fucking “inflation”... I have LESS now than I did before the increase! Yeah... I'm in a mood to draw blood now. - But... hey... there's heat and light in the house... there's that much. - Anyway... all told, I have to say that I'm still getting those “spells” of light-headedness and the tightness in the throat but now that I'm back to smoking... they're not as bad... I wonder. - But now I have to “budget” and twist and shit... and I'm STILL NOT intending on giving NYSEG that 180$! There's just no way... and I'm NOT bringing it to their attention until MAY! There! That does that. - Meanwhile... the day is done... and I'm close to the same... It's already 20.22... FUCK the time goes by too quickly. I want a little “nosh” and a shower and rack. The “catch-up here can wait... at least Yonah's Journal is current, and that's pretty much all that matters. - I wish the PO job would post again! I'm actually looking at it as quite the “revenge”... I KNOW there will be SOME here who will be FURIOUS, should I get the job. So what? As Robin said: They want a post office, they take who the postal service puts into the office. - E-mail from Deborah... THEY GOT POWER BACK AT “4.45” (pm) 22.07 I'm just going tot he rack... tired again... oh well...
Thu.21.Apr: 9.06 The realisation that since the “Emergency Fill”, I've gone through a quarter tank of oil... it's un-settling because, had I NOT called for that “Emergency”... by now, the tank would be EMPTY! - I'm JUST getting caught-up with all of this fuckerie from the close of SUNDAY! - I got out of the rack, after a night of what I suppose was some kind of “sleep”, at about 5.45... Yonah called at... 6.13! Chatty this morning... and in good spirits. HEY! At least the house was warm... the furnace running... the lights on. - 10.07 I'm actually FINALLY caught-up with BOTH Journals now... FINALLY! And I even managed a 30-minute not-even-half-doze snooze from 745-8.15... and though I didn't actually get to doze off... it was a bit of refreshing. - And Deborah stopped by to leave a muffin... not the usual 2 and this one isn't as sweet as usual. I use her baking as indicators: (a) She's up and about so she's well enough to get out of the house... that's my primary and (b) how busy she's keeping. Yesterday she said something about not stopping in the morning because it's “hectic” there. Well, I should doubt it is! No power... daughter and grand and another dog. But, this morning, she did stop by... and we'll see how her day goes. - It's over-cast... there's rain coming at some point. I could use another pack of smokes... but I have to figure out how to afford them... there's another FULL FUCKING WEEK to stretch all sorts of shit through... and I'm about to “juggle the books” again this morning. There's HARSH coming... And next month... the bloody electric rises to 25¢/kwh! Talk about “fucked raw”! Here we go folks... Time to get the applications for “subsidies” together. I'm tired of fighting all this shit. My only “light”... getting back to work... next door. The best part of THAT is... as Robin calls it... it's a “retirement job”... I can walk away at any time... So we'll see. - Meanwhile... my Little Guy is here... and we're FINE... and that's that. - 10.17 THIS Journal is coded! AT LAST! - 14.01 THIS journal is on-line to just before here... Yonah's Journal and site are current with photos and videos! AT LAST... LONG last! - And I'm contemplating a roll into town... smokes... Contemplating. I did the “budget-juggle” and I “could” do them on a card, but... I don't want to play with that... yet... there's an entire week coming... I don't want to part with the cash but, bottom line is... that's what it's for... stupid me... It won't collect any “interest” in the banque... any more or less than what-ever's in there now. So? So... it's just the brakes... and my laziness. - But I have to say that today has been pretty good. (I'm tempted to BUY a pack from Dan but I don't wan to take advantage... I ought to market whilst in town but... I'm even thinking of just getting shit smokes at FamDoll... Oh... I'm fucking HATING this... and I'll be damned if I'm going hto drive 20 miles in gas to go to Lewis so...) It's really just windy out there so it's not “weather”... it's just “me”. - But the JOURNALS ARE FINALLY UP! At least I've done that much today. - 16.34 “Evening meal” on the hob... - I did got to Dan's to B UY a pack of smokes and he GAVE me more... and won't take money for them! He says he gets 200 cigarettes for 16$ at the “reservation” so because I'm not just taking them, he doesn't want money for them. I appreciate it more than I can say (and more than I'd admit... especially now!). The only real draw-back, aside from being away from Yonah is, I REALLY NEED A SHOWER TONIGHT! I was about to take one when I put food on the hob but got into keeping-up the Journals and so... I'll have to stuff it into the remaining hours this evening. But really... I REEK of cigarette smoke. Dan tends to almost chain-smoke in the house... up-stairs where there's no place for the smoke to go to. Oh well...
16.38 THAT THING NEXT DOOR IS BANGING ABOUT AGAIN OVER THERE! WHAT IN ACTUAL FUX NAME? “PEOPLE”, “PERSONS” DON'T BEHAVE LIKE THAT... THERE'S NOTHING IN A HOUSE THAT REQUIRES THAT MUCH BANGING ABOUT IN THE COURSE OF A REGULAR DAY! AND I'M NOTICING SOME VERY STRANGE NOISES AGAIN THIS EVENING... NOT SURE IF IT'S IN THE WALLS (FROM THAT THING) OR THE CEILING. BUT, I DON'T DOUBT THAT'S GOT SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT ALL... FUCKING TRASH, THAT.
OTHER-WISE... the journals are caught-up... and it's been a GLORIOUS DAY with Yonah who has been SO affectionate. PURE DELIGHT! - And I'm SO glad I didn't have to go into town today... but I'll have to go tomorrow or, at least, Sunday. - 21.11 Well, Yonah's Journal is current and on-line... He was tucked-in at 19.40... Me? I got lost in “shopping” because of the the fucking cat from across the road being over here again, this evening! I don't want it dead... I want it GONE! I'm fucking fed-the-fuck-up now... between the hawk and now that cat... Birds? In the yard? FUCK THIS SHIT! So I read that apple cider vinegar is a good deterrent so... FOOD STAMPS! I ordered that, a BUCKET of jerk seasoning (that I'll have to put into those “salsa” jars when it gets here because, it's a BUCKET of “Walkerswood”... not “Grace”... but... and more olive oil... for the “free shipping”. And that's why I'm fucking late again... But... a little ice cream and a SHOWER BY 22.00 and to the RACK! I don't have any MUST to leave the house tomorrow so... Shopping can wait until Sunday again... I don't mind. - But let me get this posted... I'M CAUGHT UP TONIGHT... IMAGINE THAT! - And... I'm tired... but MUST shower... I STINK... an hour at Dan's today... PEWWWWWwwwwww..... - 21.17 ALL DONE ALL POSTED... and now I have a tickle in the throat.. .coughing... until the sneeze. Fuck. But I'm caught-up! YAY! - 22.54 and I'm nicely showered for the RACK! LATE! But clean... at last.
Fri.22.Apr: 6.40! Because I read a chapter before going to sleep... A quick chapter but didn't get to sleep until about mid-night. And this morning, turned the a alarms off! NOT good... And I don't know if Yonah was awake and called and now is in there feeling alone or if he's still asleep. And I don't want to disturb him if he's sleeping but... - And I had some sort of “dream” or something... PAIN... terrible pain... Another “UTI”. WHAT? What happened in that bed last night? It woke me but only briefly and then I fell back to sleep. Thankfully, I didn't pee the bed. - Anyway... I'm showered but wearing clean under-things and I can still smell cigarettes. It's disgusting. - Scrubs smell “sour” so they're out for a washing today. Ah... today... I wonder what it will be... But here I am, dressed and coffee... - 6.48 “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”! MY HEART-AND-SOUL IS UP AND READY FOR THE DAY!... (Addendum: I answered with the same coo... he replied with 'woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo...hoo” and when I responded with the original hoo-hoo-hoo... HE called back with “woo-HOO!” OO! SO much for chatting! HE'S SO PRECIOUS! - 16.26 Un-FUCKING-DID SHIT THIS MORNING... CLEANING THE “LN” DIRECTORY, “TELECHARGEMENTS”... FUCKED * EVERY * PDF FILE BY... COPYING THEM TO A SEPARATE DIRECTORY, DID A SEARCH AND, NOT THINKING, IT PULLED ALL OF THEM... WHICH I PRESENTLY DELETED... * PERMA-FUCKING-NENTLY * * EVERY*FUCKING*ONE * INCLUDING MEDICAL RECORDS! I AM NOT HAPPY... But the directory is almost empty, I put almost all of the shit onto the 2T drive and the lap-top is LESS THAN HALF FULL! So I suppose that's good. - AND I FINALLY MADE THE “ENCLOSED FEEDER” FOR THE BACK GALLERY !!! YES... PLY-WOOD ROOF AND ALL. LOOKS QUITE NICE. Just “quite nice” but serves the purpose... NO MORE HAWK! - And immediately there-after, Hoovered Yonah's room and the shit-box... and now, evening meal is on. - I MANAGED TO NAP AND ACCOMPLISH TODAY! Also... RANG THOSE ARSE-HOLES WITH THE “SLEEP STUDY”... TO LEARN... IT WASN'T APPROVED BY INSURANCE !!! SAYS THE BROAD “YOUR OUT-OF-POCKET WILL BE 250$. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PROCEED?” FUCK YOU... AND FUCK THAT QUACK IN LIZTOON! CALLS HIMSELF “DOCTOR” !!! - And so... there's the day... And the sun is shining. There's that much. And it's Friday... And I'm DONE! - 18.48 DOES NOTHING ALL FUCKING DAY... AND NOW... STARTS WITH THE HAMMERING! OH! TO BE OUT OF AND AWAY FROM THIS SHIT-BOX. - 20.26 Well... Yonah's Journal is on-line... current. He's in his house, all tucked-in. The sun-light out-side has finally dimmed to almost “night” and I'm quite tired... and want another shower... these clothes need to be washed... I keep smelling that horrid tobacco. The cigarettes are OK... though they burn quickly and I'm smoking too many, but they smell horrific! OH! What I wouldn't give for a Players! But never mind... THAT'S not coming until they get rid of that moron THEY have up there, across the border... so I may as well just ... never mind. - I have SO much I need to fill in today! I didn't even “start”, other than note when Yonah woke. So I'm going to get that done... I don't want to get behind again... and I did manage to note the high-lights... As for the rest? Well.... YONAH'S JOURNAL covers all the absolutely important parts of the day... - Other-wise... that THING next door hammered until about 19.30! I HOPE I get to simply “mention” it when the Mass-hole is here. I've a feeling he might want to know why I'm not “all chatty” with that one. Then again... he probably doesn't give a shit. But... when he hears the”stories” about him and McFuknut... I don't know... what-ever... Fate will provide... I'm sure. - Now... to get back up to the beginning before I just lose ALL energy... It's 20.33 already... AGAIN! - 20.36 As I say, the BEST part of the day today is all on Yonah's Journal and I'm too damned tired (and lazy) to repeat it here. Ah... the convenience of “links” on the internet. - Meal this evening... the usual... chicken, veggies but I had perogies tonight too... - OH... !!! MORE BOLD !!! AFTER MEAL, I WANTED A DISH OF YOGHURT SO I GOT MY-SELF A LITTLE DISH AND WA S GOING TO ADD SOME CONDENSED MILK... BUT... I COULDN'T FIND *** THE *** TEA-SPOON! I COULDN'T, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, IMAGINE WHERE IT COULD HAVE GONE. I USED IT LAST NIGHT BEFORE SHOWERING! I'D WASHED IT... WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO? SO I LOOKED AROUND, EVEN IN THE ICE CREAM CONTAINER... NOPE. BUT THEN I THOUGHT: I HAVE A VEGGIE BAG ON THE COUNTER WHERE I'M PUTTING THE GARBAGE... I WONDERED... I LOOKED... SURE AS FUCKING SHIT !!! I'D PUT THE DAMNED SPOON IN THE FUCKING TRASH !!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME ? NOW I'M GETTING NERVOUS! But, I found it... still... Am I losing my fucking mind? There's too much bull-shit in this place of late... I just want the truck fixed, inspected, registered and able to make the trip to Albany. That's that... and get rid of these “UVM” hacks'n'quacks. - Time to post this, have a nosh, Brit... shower... RACK! Fuck! I'm tired. - 22.46 Showered, quickly, but showered... Now to the RACK... LATE... again.
Sat.23.Apr: 6.36 OH BUT IT'S A HEAVY MORN. -1° But clear. And I see a snooze coming... after “morning routine”. - And there's that “something” in the right eye... a bit of schmutz, floating about. I wonder what it could be. And then again, I don't. One of these days. - Brake line (I hope that's all it is.). Electric. Gas. Bills. And fights. And it's Saturday and... Here we go then. - 19.02 What can I say? Another day has gone by ENTIRELY TOO QUICKLY! - Today began at 7.07 with the morning call. It was a bit dreary for the most part... the clear skies got blanketed by a constant grey for the duration. It wasn't cold out, but it wasn't warm... There's still obvious accumulations of snow up on Bald and Greene so there's a “chill” to the air. THANKFULLY, it wasn't DAMP! - And after fucking about on-line this morning, I decided to attack the “SeaGates” again... I want to get the photos together! (Not sure why but... And after losing all those PDFs... I NEED to get ORGANISED with these files before I lose.,, FATE FORBID... Yonah's photos!) It's difficult because, well, it's that thing about sitting still, trying to focus on one thing... as I sit... and the brain goes numb and I want something to eat, to drink... I could accomplish so much more if I were to sit with a cigarette in an ash-tray... as I used to do. But... BUT I WOULDN'T NOW ANY-WAY... NOT WITH YONAH IN THE HOUSE... AND ONLY BECAUSE YONAH'S IN THE HOUSE! (Other-wise, chances are, I'd be sitting here... coffee and cigarette at hand... through the day. Oh well... Let Mass-hole count his blessing that is Yonah.) - Speaking of which...
AT 14.37 THE QUNT MADE A WASH AND... ***** I GOT THE LOO BASIN ON VIDEO **** !!!!! NOISE AND WATER AND SOAP! IN FACT, I GOT THE VERY FIRST GUSH... WHICH CAME UP YELLOW! AND THEN THE SOAP FROM THE “RINSE”. FUCKING SHAME I CAN'T SEND IT (But I COULD put it on-line... and I DO believe I'll do that anyway. Just so it's there... I just have to figure out where... and... POST!) AND I believe I've figured where the “access” to the septic tank is and sadly... I believe it's in the little fenced area... probably directly under the pole for the little feeding tray. Oh well... We have the NEW feeder so... FUKKIM!
I managed to get by on one 45-minute snooze today... AND I MADE BREAD! I almost made Hönle, but making bread was enough for me. Besides... Deborah left 4 cinnamon rolls that she'd made! Same idea, different shape! Imagine? “Great minds” on the same day. Anyway... not sure how the bread turned out. But I let it rise thrice and kneaded the Hell out of it as many times. It's done... I'll have to “try” it... perhaps later. - Yonah, mean-while, has been a CHAMP... of course, and even came out to the kitchen to see me as I made the bread! He's a character and I still say that there is no “life” with-out him! He's been so affectionate these days... I wish there was more I could do for him... I wish we could get the fuck out of this shit-box hell-hole to some place quiet, with a yard... I wish... I can hope. And I do. - Other than that... that's been the day and now, it's 19.15 already and I'm caught-up with Yonah's Journal... as “caught-up” with this one as I care to be... and soon? Tuck-in for my Little Guy... and tonight... I CAN, if I take responsibility. get to bed at a proper hour! I'm showered, clean, the kitchen is settled... We'll see... I'm sure I'll come up with a distraction. - Next thing? Let's hope the truck rolls tomorrow... I need to get to market and am considering some other small items... peroxide for my mouth, foil paper (I NEED), perhaps smokes. - To that point... there's been a bit of “tightness” in the chest again today... But I'm at the point where I'm almost convinced... it's ANXIETY! I'll bet if I went back to having a drink before bed... I'll bet. Fucking shame I can't afford it any more... More ANXIETY! - If not for Yonah... I'd just “pack it in”... Seriously.
19.22 SURE AS SHIT... THE QUNT IS OVER THERE THUMPING ABOUT AGAIN... EVERY FUCKING BLOODY NIGHT... 19.00 AND THE SHIT-FUK STARTS THE POUNDING. WELL? I'M GOING TO DO MY BEST TO MAKE MASS-HOLE AWARE OF THIS SHIT-SHOW... ALONG WITH HER “DIAGNOSES” OF HIM AND HIS SIDE-KICK... LET HIM KNOW WHAT HE'S DUMPED IN HERE.. NOT THAT HE GIVES A SHIT... THE QUNT'S ON SUBSIDY... AH... BUT MAY THE GODS HAVE MERCY IF *I* SHOULD EVER DECIDE TO “RAISE THE RENT”... ALLFUK WILL BREAK LOSE!
20.13 Yonah's Journal is on the server and I'm up to where I ought to be on this Journal. Will wonders never cease? (Yeah... probably tomorrow when I want to get into town... but that's tomorrow, this is tonight.) - Passover has passed over. And now we await the commencement of next month where, no doubt, there will be a LOT of SHIT, hitting a LOT of fans. But as I say: that's “next month”... we still have another whole week to make it through. - Yonah is tucked in and I'm not spending a lot of time here on this Journal. I'd LIKE to be IN the rack AT 22.00 and I'd like to get a little reading in before lights out so... Off we got to post this to the Journal and a little nosh (very little because I'm almost completely out of ice cream!) and... I have to “fill” 2 teeth for the night too so.. - Let's just hope Ms. Qunt doesn't decide to re-construct the fucking place at any moment... TRASH! - I HATE BEING IN THIS SITUATION! FUCK! - 20.25 ON-LINE... AND, AS TO BE SEEN ON-LINE... I'VE INCLUDED A COMPOSITE OF TWO VIDEOS OF THE BLOODY LOOK BASIN “FOUNTAIN”! IT'S LIVE... IT'S UP... IT'S ON THE INTERNET! (And if I name it the address here or use the Mass-hole's name... well then! Fuck with me! I've no patience. I still have the blog from Rockaway up and out there... and I can't delete it because I don't have the pass-word. Bless my heart.) - 22.16 Well. I suppose this is closer to, but though not quite. At least I got those teeth filled and... we're off. A little reading and then the rack. Another day... another day... another day... another...
Sun.24.Apr: 6.55 My Heart-and-Soul called at 6.13... Good thing I FORCED... and I DO mean “FORCED”, my carcass out of the bed by 5.45. I REALLY WANT to get onto his schedule... or, at the very least, the very best... TRY! I obviously need MORE of a night than what-ever it is I'm getting here. “Sleep study” my arse. I've no idea WHAT the actual fuck I do of a night, but even when I THINK I've slept-through... I haven't. Dreams or not, the mornings are the same... Wake up looking forward to the next nap. - And this morning, that “ping”, tightness in the chest again. I had about a week or so of not having that. Smoking? I can't really say. These “Indian” cigarettes? Oh, perhaps mayhaps. But my energy level is better with the smoking, and my “accomplishments” of a day are better... even with the smoke breaks on the porch. I don't know... and first thing of a morning is annoyance... “Primary Care Physician” my arse. NONE of those 3 words are applicable... Then too, this is all “Socialized Medicine”... “COMMUNISM” at its core. “Assembly-line”. Get in, get out, get paid, get fucked.” - Oh well... And, coming up, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... a trip to market... no brakes. Tah-to-the-fucking-dah. 'twill be an interesting day... Let's see... - 11.59 MADE IT TO THE MARKET... AND BACK... AND STOPPED...AT THE MARKET AND IN THE DRIVE... !!! Left at about 10.30... hit Stewart's for “BLUES”, yay, then to Kinney's for peroxide, filling AND shampoo... and a bag of “fireballs” which seem to be quite as hot as remembered and might help with the smokes. Then to market but no meat today... I see no sense in getting chicken which will have to be frozen or cooked... and I'm looking forward to jerking what-ever so that'll wait, but groceries in the house. AND... as I say... rolled back and STOPPED to park in the drive. YAY, there. BUT... there's a “grinding” on the passenger-side... as the truck rolls. So? So... AND... IF I can't get away with the AGREED-UPON BUDGET for the electric... no brakes in May. Oh well... Thankfully the truck doesn't “due” an inspection until July... so... so. - AND I HAVE to add that when I went to get out of the house this morning, as I was putting on my boots... Yonah came FLYING INTO THE LIVING-ROOM! AS IF HE KNEW I WAS ABOUT TO SNEAK OUT! WHAT A CHARACTER! - And now... just the slightest tightness in the chest and neck but not as bad as this morning.... It MUST have SOMETHING to do with anxiety? Maybe? - Anyway... I've “accomplished” something for the day... and now... what-ever... It's over-cast, perfect yard-work temperature but... fukdatshit. - A day with my Little Guy! - 20.44 It's LATE again... Yonah's been tucked-in from since 20.00 and I've been doing his Journal which is on-line now. But I just don't have what I need to get into this one too much. So... suffice to say...
ALL the lavage is done! Jeans, shirt, under things... AND the “in-side Sherpa”! The clothes are dry, the sherpa is on the rack by the registre in the living-room. It's not supposed to be COLD tonight but the heat's already been up for the briefest so... - It was a relatively “accomplished” day... at least I got the marketing done! Other than that... worked on a few more “images” from the 1T drive... it's going to be a while but... - Yonah and I had a bit of a “stroll round” this evening and as is on his page... it's strange how he really does seem to not like the back yard here. Well... hopefully we'll be able to get out of here and away... I'm thinking maybe we might even be able to go visit Deborah, come the warmer weather... I'll have to work the logistics on that but... I'd like, very much, to get him out into the sun-shine! We BOTH need some of that! (How terribly I've come to HATE, DETEST this shit-box!) - Meal together with my Heart-and-Soul this evening. - The sun came out late this after-noon so the doors were open for a while. Nice. - I've finally taken the brackets for the humming-bird feeders off the front of the house. This hamlet can go fuck itself raw... Oh! But I DO hope I can have the PO job! It'll be “by the book” and they can go to HELL! If they hadn't put that shit-head into the White House, I wouldn't need to work... so they can deal with it! - Anyway... that's all I'm going to say... - Still getting the tightness in the chest again. I wonder. Might call the “Fucking MD” tomorrow about the CT and echo... THAT should prove interesting. At least I can get that “base-line” info... for the NEW “Primary”... I just want to know WTAF is going on. - On that note... I'm posting this... it's 20.53... and I want to nosh and rack... SOON! Nothing on the agenda for tomorrow but threats of 18° and sun tomorrow? Hmmm... - Oh... and the fucking traffic is starting already... bikes and shit. OH... indeed... how I've come to detest this shit-box! - 22.57 SHIT!
.jpg "25 April 2022")
Mon.25.Apr: 6.23 and I'm just this side of “wiped-out”. Read before lights-out, until mid-night. Oh well... The book is good, the reading is good... I'm... to be seen, or “TBD”. But I'm up and dressed and there's a breeze out there and it's not cold. - 7.08 Yonah is up... EVEN JUST CAME OUT TO THE KITCHEN! And météo claims it's 8° out there... with a bit of a breeze, comfy-ish... AND YET, THE FUCKING FURNACE IS FUCKING RUNNING! WHAT THE FUCK? - 14.05 WELL... In from 2,5 hours of sweeping the fucking Hill.. raking the fucking grass, shovelling the fucking gravel, thinning the fucking lilies... and just in time for a tea. - Chatted with Yonah all the while I worked. - Went out at about 11.15 too. So there. Fucking shit-hole, this. But I didn't do the front because, well, that's no my responsibility and even if it is... fukkit. - HACKING-UP A LOT OF ROAD DUST TOO, LET ME JOT. And my chest? Well... a little better than... but quite “heavy”. Head's a bit light too. But it's mostly sinuses, to be sure. Oh well... If medical is needed... there's the ER again... Let the insurance company get pissed... and address the situation. I'm still waiting to hear about the echo. Anyway... it's done. -
18.22 Meal (with Yonah, of course) done. Washing-up is COMPLETE! The front door is open. Lovely. 23,4° in Yonah's room. And all is... or COULD BE... EXCEPT FOR...
THAT BLOODY LUNATIC IS HAMMERING AGAIN !!! NOT A SOUND ALL BLOODY-FUCKING DAY AND AGAIN, WHEN “NORMAL” PEOPLE START TO SETTLE DOWN AFTER A DAY... OH... I HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE TO GO TO... TOMORROW, I'M CALLING DSS... HUD... HELP TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE OR, LET HUD DECIDE HOW MUCH RENT THEY'LL PAY HERE AND WHEN I COMES TO MORE THAN THAT ONE NEXT DOOR... PUT THE FUCKING CHARGES TO THE MASS-HOLE... UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE GOVERNMENT. HEY! IF I HAVE TO LOSE SOMETHING (like FS), AWAY WE GO! THIS HAS GOT TO END... NOW! MY STOMACH IS IN KNOTS AGAIN AND WHAT MADE IT WORSE... YONAH WAS “HOO-HOO'ing” BECAUSE OF THE POUNDING! SO IT'S EFFECTING HIM TOO! “WAR” IS DECLARED... IT'S TIME TO PULL THE WEAPONS OUT!
Other-wise, I've done my “work” on the property... it looks like shit but it looks like something's been done. Next? Clean the back yard in prep for mowing. Shit is going to change around here... and it's not going to be pretty. And now... NOW I WANT the job at the PO... It'll burn some serious arses in this hamlet, to be sure... OH... May the Fates be kind... and I get the job... SOON! - 20.10 Thankfully the fucking banging has stopped. - My little Heart-and-Soul is tucked-in for the night. We had the most WONDERFUL day together, though, as always, I just never feel I spend enough time with him and I have to correct that. - There WAS a 2 BR house listed on Craigslist... in a VERY small town in... “Franklin County”... NEW YORK... “Mountain View”... as in “Palo Alto Mountan View” but it's still in the Adirondacks, but quite West of here and though the write-up is nice, it does state that there are no “modernisations” so I wonder. Anyway... it's gone as I go to look now. Oh well... I believe it was 800/month anyway. So we keep looking. Meanwhile... I've put it on the calendar to inquire about HUD tomorrow... since it's supposed to be raining and that means... going no-where. - BUT THE JERK SEASONING IS DUE BETWEEN 13-16.30! So there's that.. which means MEAT shopping on Wednesday... no brakes, who cares, not me. - Well... 20.23 I'm posting this. Shower tonight and to the rack! I'm exhausted and my chest is TIGHT A-FUCKING-GAIN. Smoking? I have to wonder... Well, I had about 2 “fair” weeks. Can't be perfect... (I just HATE THIS SHIT-BOX!) - Off to post, nosh, Brit, shower... RACK - 20.39 JOURNALS DONE! Photos and all... - 22.59 showered but not at all “happy” about the hour.
Tue.26.Apr: 6.13 Dressed and all. And nothing say's “Hello” like NEEDING to put drops in the eye... the right eye... Don't know what it is but there's something in there. Drops seem to help a bit but. - Anyway... here we are... another day. - Oh... had to kick the furnace... a bit on the chilly side. - Oh yeah, the chest is tight again, this morning, as well. Chances are, as we approach May... it'll be MUCH worse. Oh and alas. - 19.47 I'm at the kitchen table, closing Yonah's journal page for the day, he's been tucked-in for about 10 minutes. There's the lightest rain falling out-side, the front door is open, the world is at peace and...
THE FAT QUNT IS STIRRING... WITH WHAT-EVER IT IS SHE FINDS TO THUMP AND THUD ABOUT OVER THERE !!! JEEZUS FUCKING-TO-FRIGGIN-KRISTE! IF NOT FOR YONAH... IF NOT FOR YONAH... IF NOT FOR YONAH... FUCKING SACK OF FETID, PUTRID USELESSNESS, THAT ONE!
(More “catch-up”... 16.21 on Wednesday... from the notes...)
THE JERK SEASONING ARRIVED AT ABOUT 16.30! The bucket is a bit smaller than I anticipated BUT it filled FIVE little “salsa” jars and one LARGE salsa jar... AND almost filled an extra jar that I had in the “collection”. And, of course, I remembered that I was going to put it into freezer bags... AFTER I'd jarred. Oh well. But still, there's SO MUCH of it that I'll be “in the jerk” for a good YEAR, if not longer. I just hope it doesn't go bad. But reviews on-line say that it keeps for a year... anyway, it's here. The one thing though, THE ENTIRE HOUSE SMELLS OF JERK NOW... AND I HAVEN'T EVEN COOKED WITH IT! And the little bucket? I can't get the fragrance out of it. Strong stuff. Looking forward to tomorrow... COOKING! Meatloaf and some chicken. I'm just sorry that it isn't “Grace”. Imagine, me, having a preference in jerk seasoning. Oh, but the memories... I miss those days.... from work to music... and the places I lived. All gone... just gone... like so much of my “life”. Oh well. - The oil too, was in the box today. The very one I wanted but a smaller bottle than I'd expected. The timing is perfect though because I'd used the very last of what I had for tonight's meal. I'm just happy to have it. (And there's a large bottle of the “organic” stuff from the market so I'm not “out”.) - The 2 bottles of apple cider vinegar came in individual boxes too! And they too... smaller than I'd expected. But... FS. So I can't complain. I'll try some before using it to fend-off cats and other shits at the bird feeder. If it's anything like “Allens” (which I STRONGLY DOUBT) I'll keep it for me and use the “Braggs”. “Test” tomorrow. - I actually HAD to wash the plastic bag that was in the bucket of jerk... AND HAD TO HANG IT ON THE LINE OUT-SIDE! I like the fragrance of jerk but... it was REALLY OVER-POWERING! And I'm soaking the bucket with vinegar and lemon juice. (I'd bought one of those “squeeze bottles” of lemon juice for something at some time and never even opened it. I wonder... Tahini? What? But there it is... now opened.) - Didn't get to even start this evening's “meal” until about 17.15... lost in all the jerk seasonings and such. BUT.... BY 17.45 EVEN THE WASHING-UP WAS COMPLETE! THAT INCLUDES WASHING THE BAG AND BUCKET! I don't know HOW, but there it was. It's a wonder my body even knows I've eaten, but I wouldn't doubt it's part of the reason I can't get rid of the gut! Body's probably in “starvation mode”: gets food and screams “SAVE IT!”. - As for the day? Well... the BEST PART was spending it ALL with Yonah! I worked on getting more of the images off the 1T drive. They'll all go onto the lap-top and then I'll sort through and delete a great many. I honestly don't know why I even bother to save them. So many are “memes” and other assorted shit. Well... little-by-little. Hey! At least I have the time with Yonah! THAT means THE ENTIRETY OF CREATION to me! And he was SO “close” again, today. He's really such a TOTAL LOVE! If I could, I'd just spend the day cuddling with him. But he's too tiny. But when-ever I'd leave the room, he'd come looking for me and THAT'S HEAERT-WARMING... Seeing him moving about the rest of the house at last. More space! More exercise. Change of scenery. And it shows me that he's comfortable here and THAT'S SO important to me. - The sun never came out all through the day. It didn't rain until almost evening. I could have gone to the river for water but, I got to stay with Yonah so... I don't mind. 5° for tonight's “low” and 9° for tomorrow's “high” and tomorrow night? Another fucking MINUS... -2°! I'm getting tired of this shit! But then again... no I'm not, really. It's the bills that are aggravating me... trying to stay warm... alive... now that I have a reason for staying alive... AND A LITTLE LIFE THAT NEEDS TO BE KEPT WARM! - AND ... THE GAS ARRIVED THIS MORNING! THANKFULLY ONLY 78,30$ DUE (I'D BUDGETED ANOTHER 100$) BUT... 23,8 GALLONS? THE QUANTITY IS STILL DOUBLING HERE AND I'M PISSED! I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PAST BILLS, PUT THEM IN ORDER SO THAT I CAN SHOW THAT MASS-HOLE FUKTARD. IF I WASN'T SO CONVINCED ABOUT TAKING THAT JOB OVER THERE AT THE PO BEFORE... I AM NOW... THAT'LL CURB THE HOT WATER AND GAS BEING PISSED AWAY! AND IF I HAVE TO, I'LL FUCK WITH THE PLUMBING AND CUT THEM THE FUCK OFF *MY* HOT WATER! I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT! AND THE AVAILABILITY OF OTHER PLACES HAS DROPPED AGAIN. BUT... “IT'S OUT THERE.”... IT'S COMING. I NEVER THOUGHT I'D LIVE IN NEW RUSSIA... AND... IT'S OUT THERE. - 20.27 Yonah's Journal is posted... I'm DAMNED TIRED... as usual. Most of today's items have been only jotted as notes, and I have to stop this shit. There's a better way... time needs to be dedicated. I'll have to work on a “schedule”... a proper schedule for a day... I'd LIKE to get back to the 21.30 bed... 4.30 up... I SO jest! Fukme. - 21.48 OFF TO THE RACK! LET'S SEE HOW I MANAGE TONIGHT... A LITTLE READING AND... hopefully a sleep-through in spite of it all... but I doubt it. I should be so fortunate. Anyway.... RACK-TIME!
Wed.27.Apr: 16.46 Caught-up yesterday... now for today's little notes. - I THREW MY-SELF OUT OF THE BED THIS MORNING AT ABOUT 6.00 (later on the alarm clock, of course) and was JUST putting the kettle on for coffee when... 6.15... “woo-HOO-hoo-hoo-hoo”... POOR LITTLE GUY! So I did “my morning routine” AS I did HIS. And all the while... we chatted. BEAUTIFUL start to a dreary day. If nothing else, I was AWAKE, to be sure. - Last night? I did read some more of Maggie's book. It really is intriguing and I really am enjoying it. Noticed a similarity between Piatagorsky and Hauser... and where “Grisha” was born actually was “New Russia” (now Ukraine). Makes for more interesting. Anyway... so much for the 21.48 to rack time. But I do think I slept through the night... I can never be certain... I'm SO FUCKING TIRED in the morning when I wake... I have to wonder. - 12.22 MADE IT TO THE MARKET! (And back, obviously.) I'm almost getting used to the brakes as they are... but I hope I'm not destroying anything on the truck this way. Still... - It was WINDY and it still is! I mean WINDY! - Stopped at Stewart's for smokes. That they'll last for another week is... doubtful, but... at least they're here. I shouldn't but I can't care any more, really. Just SO FUCKING FED-THE-FUCK-UP with this QUACK, Demuro. One day... soon... ALBANY! - ANYWAY... I'VE MADE THE MEAT-LOAF AND IT'S IN THE OVEN. 4 CHICKEN BREASTS SOAKING IN THE FREEZER... JERKING, AS IT WERE! AND THE WASHING-UP IS DONE TOO! I left here at about 10.30 and rolled back into the shit-box at 11.05! - Funny bit though, as I was getting ready to leave to go to market, Jeff came round the corner. I got into the truck and rolled into town, into the parking lot at market and as I pull in, there's Jeff's truck, parked at the fence! Well... I found a space in the rows, but not as I would have preferred. I have to park behind somebody so that I could face the exit. I was hoping they'd go by the time I was ready to leave. So I went to Stewart's, and as I was going into the market... Jeff was leaving! TIMING! I ran into the market, got my items including the foil, kitchen roll and “CleanUp” and when I got out... the car in front of the truck was GONE! I got to roll right out! WOW! - I was SO relieved to get back to the shit-box... safely... AND, OF COURSE, BACK TO MY LITTLE GUY! - Now... it's going to be interesting to see how this meat-loaf turns out... I went “lightly”... 2,6lbs beef, some home-made bread, 2 eggs... 2 rather heaping tablespoons of seasoning... a topping of ketchup with mustard. I HAD to go lightly on the jerk because I took a taste... a SMALL taste, on the butter knife... it wasn't “HOT HOT HOT” BUT... my stomach wasn't too thrilled about it. I broke into a swear, heart-rate went BOOM! I can't take the heat... so to speak, any more... FUCK ME! OLD and REALLY gone to shit. (I ought to go back to drinking... I was healthier then.) - MEAN-WHILE... SNOW UP ON BALD AND GREENE... I wonder if/when it'll make it to the “valley”. - For now... on with the rest of this day... I need a SNOOZE! Too much excitement and anxiety this morning... One day maybe I'll be able to just get into the truck and roll... comfortably. I doubt it but... AND TAKE YONAH WITH ME! -
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** 18.01 A-FUCKING-GAIN... THE WASHER! THE FUCKING BACK-UP! ANOTHER VIDEO TOO! And, thankfully with my heel, a POUND on the wall! I'm done! FUCKING DONE! So... I'll just hold the rent cheque until the Mass-hole gets here... done. The money will be in the banque... the cheque will be in my hand. The videos will be on the internet... Let's see how that works out. 18.13 Just plunge the fuck out of the basin... and what BURNS MY EVERY-THING... YONAH NOTICES THAT I'M UPSET! NOW... YES... DONE! NO RENT CHEQUE TO BE POSTED IN MAY! FIX OR I GO TO THE DEPT. OF HEALTH. TOMORROW? HUD!
(Stepped away to grab video of the basin and... Yonah got back to the key-board... silly me! So I'm saving his entry...
iuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu55555555555555555555555f
18.58 Funny shit: Just finished the water relay for Yonah, and sitting down to get to Journals and checking for the PO job and on the radio...
EVERYBODY HURTS SOMETIMES
I'm thinking: Yes, I'm holding the rent cheque until Mass-hole gets here... and
Yes, I'll apply for the job next door... the ULTIMATE slap-back.
19.17 Done with THIS Journal page for now... and I've done a “combo video” of 23, 25, 27 May over-flow... AND POSTED IT ONTO THE “LN VIDEOS” WITH A “BOOKMARK” FOR THE ON-LINE VERSION AND A SHORT-CUT TO THE LAP-TOP VERSION. IT'S BACKED-UP NOW... AND OUT FOR PUBLIC VIEWING. (I'm going to figure out how to get it to social media and then... we'll see how “shit floats”. Mean-while... at least Yonah's eating... and I have to get to his Journal for today!) - THE WIND IS HOWLING AND RUSHING ABOUT AND THE SNOWS ALMOST DID MAKE IT TO THE VALLEY! I SEE A POWER-OUTAGE COMING TONIGHT! - 19.45 Yonah is tucked-in for the night. THE WIND IS BLASTING OUT THERE! I HAVE THE THERMOSTAT UP TO 70F AND THE FURNACE IS RUNNING... WARM THE PLACE UP JUST IN CASE THE LIGHTS GO OUT. TORCH AND TEA-LIGHTS AT THE READY. - Now... on to Yonah's Journal for the day... something to “calm”. As I told Deborah in the recent e-mail: people ought to be thankful for him, other-wise, this corner would be a hole full of ashes and cinders. - Checked again about the post next door. Not yet. But... if I'm still here when it posts and I've no place else to go to... I'm going for it! We'll see then, how the shit flies. - 22.33 Wind's done... .house is hot... furnace is running... I'll drop that before heading for the rack. - Watched Countdown... And for some reason, I'm not tired now... - 23.18 Yonah's Journal is coded... ready to be posted, and I'm caught-up with this one... ready to be “coded”. - THE QUNT IS MEANDERING ABOUT OVER THERE... OH KRISTE! HOW I WANT OUT OF AND AWAY FROM THIS SHIT-HOLE! HOPEFULLY THE PO JOB WILL RE-POST SOON... NOW IT'S A MATTER OF ALL SORTS OF REASONS... MONEY TO MOVE NOT BEING THE LEAST! - At least IT's not noisy now... YET. - The winds have calmed a bit. -2° for the “chill” tonight. I've just turned the thermostat to 65F... since the winds are calmer. No snow on the ground. AND... it's time for me to get a nap.... no reading tonight! So, I'll code and post this and Yonah's and head for teeth-brushing and on to nap... I'll be so sorry again tomorrow but truly, no matter what time I might get to the rack... I'm tired in the morning... and Yonah and I have “snooze-time” during the day... - 22.37 ALL POSTED! I'd like another smoke but nope... off to get ready for the rack... and HOPE for a good nap!
Thu.28.Apr: 10.48 FIRST THING THIS MORNING... THE COMMUNITY CARD HAS BEEN HACKED! 200$ CAUGHT INSTANTLY! THE NOTICE CAME IN MY “SPAM” E-MAIL SO I CALLED COMMUNITY. THERE'S A NEW CARD COMING... SO MUCH FOR BILL-PAYING! INSURANCE DUE ON THE 2ND! OH WELL... BUT GIVES ME ANOTHER REASON TO HOLD THE RENT. FUCK. WHAT IN FUX NAME? HOW? NEW CARD FOR TRAIL NORTH... NOW THIS? AND NOW... AT THIS POINT OF A MONTH WHEN I'M STILL TRYING TO BUDGET THE FUCKING NYSEG BILL AND A BRAKE JOB? Well... when shit gets dumped... so it does... On TOP of the SHIT with the QUNT next door! OK... I'm officially in “Shut-the-fuck-DOWN”... BUT THE FOLKS AT THE BANQUE ARE INDESCRIBABLY ON-THE-MARK! IMAGINE IF I'D NOT FOUND OUT UNTIL I WENT TO PAY GEICO TOMORROW MORNING AND IF THAT TRANSACTION HAD BEEN POSTED? ***** NOW THE ONE THAT CONCERNS ME IS A TRANSACTION FOR A PENNY... TAKEN AND RETURNED. SOMEBODY'S FUCKING WITH THE ACCOUNT NOW? FUUUUUUUUUUCK !!! *****
Meanwhile, had a lovely chat with Robin (PO) this morning. She's all excited because she and hubby have rented a heavy-duty “grinder” to clear their new property in Schroon. We laughed to think that such a thing could cause such excitement! Some people celebrate new house, new kid, kids are this happy with a new toy... We find excitement in heavy-duty land-scaping machinery. Hhow life changes our perspectives. - Deborah stopped by too... of course, it was just that I happened to be out-side when she rolled by, coming back from town. But she actually came back to see the new feeder. I appreciate the visit... She really has no idea who few “visits” and “visitors” I do, honestly, appreciate. Anyway, I tell her of the “trials” of this place so... one person knows. And she doesn't judge. I appreciate that too! - 16.56 OK... So, I called Community to see about a credit card. They don't do their cards any more .... they come from Arkansas! So I checked to see what my Score is... Exp has me at 677! Fuck these people! I'm busting my all with Trail North and 677? All the other bills are current. Fuck! So that's up the arse. But at least I looked into it. - Transferred the Geico from Community to Trail North... it posted to the TN... IF I'm at all fortunate (HAHAHHAAHH!!!) it'll be there in T on Monday... WHEN THE DAMNED INSURANCE IS DUE! - 20.00 I have to get Yonah's Journal done. He's only just tucked-in because....
THE HOUSE PHONE RANG AT ABOUT 19.30... ALDEN !!! CALLING TO SAY THAT HE'LL BE HERE EITHER MONDAY OR TUESDAY TO “CHECK TO SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON” WITH THE PLUMBING! HE CALLED TO SAY HE'D BE HERE! I SUPPOSE THAT'S THE “MANDATORY ADVANCED NOTICE”? I'M ALMOST QUITE CERTAIN IT ISN'T A “SOCIAL COURTESY” BY ANY MEANS. SO... BUT, GOOD TO KNOW... AND I'M HOPING IT WON'T BE UNTIL TUESDAY! BUT IF IT'S MONDAY, I'LL JUST TELL HIM THAT I'D ONLY POSTED THE RENT (AND HOPE ABOUT THE POST-MARK... BUT I REALLY CAN'T CARE.) SO... HERE WE GO! AND LET'S JUST HOPE THERE'S NO MENTION OF RENT RISE... AND IF THERE IS... I'M OFF TO HUD... WHICH WON'T BE TOO EASY ON HIM CONSIDERING THEY'LL COME IN TO INSPECT. I'VE ALREADY GOT THE WEB-SITE FOR INTO MARKED ON THE INTERNET ANYWAY.
So... I've got notes for the rest of today... and most of what I have to say about it is on Yonah's site anyway and I want to get to the rack soon... For all the good my “want” is. - 20.42 Yonah's Journal is posted... and I've got photos from today to go through... HE WAS IN THE POOL so... AND this evening, we were in the living-room as the sun POURED in... and I sat with him... me on the futon and him on the limb. More photos! But... I'm tired and will just have to “fill-in” my journal tomorrow... Hey... I've no errands, save a possible water run... and no shopping, bill-paying... so... I just have to make the time to catch-up again... So there. - 22.28 AGAIN! SO LATE! Well? All told, it really doesn't make much difference anyway because early or late... I won't “sleep” and won't want to get out of bed tomorrow... but for now... another day wrapped. - At least the transfer of funds is put in... it was done by about 16.30, I don't expect it to come close to post until Monday... which is when the truck insurance is due so... it just might get paid on time! “Might”... I'm not counting on anything. But tonight, there's nothing I can do about anything so...
Fri.29.Apr: 7.02 I DON'T BELIEVE IT... THE Xfer FM VT TO NY HAS POSTED ALREADY IN NY!!! INSURANCE WILL BE PAID TODAY! YAY! And “change” in the account as well... Barely, but... I DON'T BELIEVE IT !!! - 8.25 GEICO IS PAID! INSURANCE DONE! Now... as for the rest? Tuesday... FUKKIT! (And now... to HOPE for the brakes, inspection...) - 15.02 Managed to rake the gravel in the little “bed” by the PO shed and the back yard... AND... made a run for a pack of smokes... AND... AS I BACKED OUT OF THE PARKING SPACE, THE BRAKES TIGHTENED AND THE LIGHT WENT OFF! Of course, when I got back to the shit-hole, there's still no brakes, but the light didn't come back on so... What-the fuck ever... - MEAN-WHILE... THE FUCKING LOO REEKS OF URINE! I HOPE IT DOES WHEN MASS-HOLE GETS HERE TOO... I'VE HALF A MIND NOT TO CLEAN IN THERE UNTIL... - 20.21 Well? There we have it and I'm quite rather exhausted again, of course. - Yonah's tucked-in... his Journal page is posted. The house is (so far) calm. - I managed to get the Hoovering done. Meal was quite filling this evening. I made rice with “Stir Fry Mix” and black-eye peas... and there's MORE in the fridge... - Deb left 2 slices of a little “cheese-cake pie” this morning! I don't know how she does it... all this baking. And “when”? First thing in the morning? Every morning? I wish I had the energy to be like that (again). THEN... this after-noon, she stopped by again... to drop-off a small loaf of home-made “Cuban bread”! We had a few moments to chat but she doesn't stay long, always busy. I suppose I'm the worst of the two of us because I could drop by to visit her at home. She's always saying that I'm most welcome... and that, when the power goes out, saying that I should bring Yonah and go to the house to stay warm. But... I'm not big on “visiting” any more. (Almost odd, that. I USED to look forward to visiting with people, but as the time here has passed the truth is... FIRST-AND-FOREMOST... I do NOT like leaving Yonah's company, don't want him just being in the house alone... He seems to be more comfortable when I'm here and, to be honest, I prefer HIS company over ALL else... and then too, there's the whole issue of my “introduction” to this hamlet, being told that I annoy people when I talk with them. My “general attitude” has gone back to The City: visit hen invited... other-wise, I have enough to keep me occupied... at home. And, I don't care... I prefer it this way, really. I DO enjoy when Deborah comes round, and Dan's the only other one I enjoy seeing at the door. Other-wise... I just DREAD the rest of them here. Well? I did come back to NY for just this sort of life... “leave me alone and all will be just fine for all concerned”.)
HORROR OF THE DAY! I managed to clean Ithat “line” of laundry soap on the kitchen rug. It was a LOT easier than I'd anticipated, but the rug looks clean again. BAD NEWS? AS I WAS WORKING ON THE RUG, THE ODOUR OF URINE CAME WAFTING OUT OF THE LOO! OLD URINE! It was there when I moved in here... almost 3 years ago come July, but I thought I'd gotten rid of it. But NO! There it was! I IMMEDIATELY sent an e-mil to Deborah to ask if SHE ever noticed the stench when she came in (and thinking that's why she doesn't stop in for any length of time. The very thought of this house stinking of URINE! I have to wonder if it doesn't have something to do with the “plumbing” situation. Anyway... at least the rug is clean... again.
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** AT ABOUT 16.30 I PHONED THE CLINIC TO INQUIRE ABOUT THE CHEST CT... THE BROAD SAID “I HAVE TO TRANSFER YOU TO NURSING...” AND WHAT-EVER THAT IS, I GOT A VOICE MAIL !!! WELL !!! I WONDER... HAVE I BEEN “DROPPED” ? I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED... AFTER ALL, I'M JUST AN ECCENTRIC OLD SHIT WITH A PENCHANT FOR A BIRD... NO “EMERGENCY CONTACT” ON RECORD SO IF I DROP DEAD NOBODY WILL NOTICE... AND NOBODY WILL SUE. I DON'T EXPECT TO GET A CALL ON THE WEEK-END AND I *DO* EXPECT TO HEAR THAT DEMURO IS NO LONGER MY DOCTOR... AND IF THAT HAPPENS, WELL... I'LL CALL THE INSURANCE COMPANY, TELL THEM THE STORY... THERE'S ALREADY A GRIEVANCE THAT I HAVEN'T HEARD BACK ON... I JUST CAN'T CARE... BUT... THE PAIN IN THE UPPER RIGHT IS QUITE NASTY TONIGHT. I'VE TAKEN MY NAPROX... WE'LL SEE HOW THAT WORKS. ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
20.29 Well? Day is done. Yonah is tucked-in. We dined together this evening and b the time I'd done with the washing-up and such, the rest of our time together just rushed by! Next thing I knew... 19.00 had come and then at about 19.30/40, he made it obvious that he was ready for “seepie-nigh-night”. It didn't take long tonight... and the light went out. - I need a shower tonight, after raking in the yard today.... dust and... ticks! I'm SO BLOODY TIRED though... We'll see how it goes after nosh-and-Brit... - 22.28 fuck. But showered. There's that. I don't understand how it gets so late so soon. I need to seriously work a “schedule” for these days... Journals fall behind, there are photos of Yonah that have to be “edited”, coded, loaded... and this Journal too, is behind... just notes for the most part. Most of it is because of the fatigue all day. And the fatigue comes, quite a bit, from anxieties.
Sat.30.Apr: 6.09 My right shoulder is SO TIGHT this morning. But, I'm up and dressed. And first-coffee'ed. And the bed looked like another party had taken place last night. I can't understand it. But anyway... here we are. - 8.21 Sun is shining... “internet” is done for the morning. I'm settled at the work table with... MY LITTLE GUY !!! who came out to the kitchen and circled me a few times! -
But the pain from the shoulder-blade is now running down the right arm and into the hand.
Anyway... I REALLY HAVE TO WONDER IF I WASN'T INJECTED WITH ONE OF THOSE “VACCINES” WHEN IVs AND SUCH WERE DONE. I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST ANY OF THEM. AND BEING “DUMPED” BY THE “CLINIC” AND “PRIMARY” DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY THE LESS SUSPICIOUS.
ALL I WANT IS TIME TO BE WITH YONAH, TO MAKE SURE HE'S SAFE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!
And the radio plays Phil Collins: “Don't Give Up”... I have to wonder.
(And nobody will ever know any of this... and those who might see it will say “He's gone mad. Psychotic.”)
10.21 THE NEW COMMUNITY CARD ARRIVED ALREADY! 10.21 - Dan stopped by... I was snoozing and had just gotten up when I thought I heard a knock at the door. It was Dan... on his way to Plattsburgh and wanted to know if I'd like him to pick-up cigarettes for me at the reservation. I told him I wouldn't be able to pay him before Tuesday and he said “For 16$?” So... I 'll owe him 16$ out of the budget that's already close to “over” but... that's ONE pack at Stewarts and this is a CARTON! OK... They SHOULD last me quite a long while, especially since I don't really like them anyway... it's almost perfect! - Before Dan got here, Deborah had stopped by and left an envelope... the recipe for th “cheese-cake/pie”! and 3 chocolate-covered Oreos. Imagine that! - So, when Dan left, I was in the mood for a “nosh” and had half of the “Cuban bread” that Deborh brought yesterday... Quite delicious, and the crust was easy to chew too. Very tasty, I must say. But even today, it was nice and soft. It HAS to be the water. She's on her own well there. (I should get water from her... for baking. How ridiculous is that. Just last night I was reading an old article saved from the internet when I moved here, about the water and how the folks fought to keep from putting anything in it. Seems this water is direct from the well - with, I'm sure, some sort of filtration or another. But I don't know... Maybe there's more “iron” in this water? There's something in it because it leaves “scale”, even on Yonah's pool. What-ever.) - 14.49 Dan stopped by with... 200 cigarettes in a back and an extra pack... 16$! This should last me... well... quite a while! (And honestly, with my back/shoulder in this much pain... I JUST got up from ANOTHER 30-minute nap to escape it... and I took a naprox this morning!) - 19.27 Winding down... - Actually accidentally got into a “chat” with McFuknut this after-noon. Some idiot in a MASSIVE RV came down from the Hill and I stepped out to see it and McFuknut was working on putting the old “drift-wood”, as he calls it, on that flower-bed at the corner of his lot by the PO. Anyway... HE came over to talk with ME! I have to wonder: does he NOT know that he makes me quite rather ill? Maybe that qunt next door hasn't said? (I doubt that.) Anyway... seems Eric SAW that incident where the truck hit the Lincoln Pond sign. He was cleaning snow off his car. When the guy drove off, Eric called the police. So there we have it. And Mariette was mentioned because of her desire to have the speed limit lowered through the hamlet. What-ever. Thankfully the “chat” didn't last long. - And so as for the rest of the day... I now have 26 photos to put onto Yonah's site... and I got into trying to make a single “slide show” again but... nope again. So... - My right side? Well... even after two snoozes, it's still “tight” and making me a bit “ill” but it's a little better than most of the day. I'm thankful just for the slightest improvement. - Yonah's water is changed. Tomorrow, the whole thing gets pulled apart again... - I have to figure laundry... it's the first of May already... and his house-keeping. Oh... it'll work itself out... I'm sure. - Oh... and at about 16.30, the qunt was over there... doing something that sounded like “playing the drums on the counter-tops. Good... I just pray I remember all that I want to “drop into the conversation” with Mass-hole. He's stuck with that thing over there because of “lease” and “HUD” but... that doesn't mean I have to keep my mouth shut. - OH OH OH OH OH OH OH... IN THE CHAT WITH ROBIN THIS MORNING, NELL CAME UP ALONG WITH A FEW OTHER ITEMS BECAUSE SHE MENTIONED THAT JUST RENTING THAT MACHINE FOR THEIR PROPERTY IS COSTING THEM OVER 2G$! When I said “If that senile old thing running this show doesn't die soon...” and she responded “Let's go Brandon”! So I told her the story of the flags and the front porch. She was not pleased. But when I said “Certain people in town were 'offended' she nodded toward the back of the house and said “That one?” So... looks like “that one” hasn't really endeared itself to many in the hamlet. When I told her it was Nell, she just said “People ought to mind their own damned business!” So there we have it. I'm feeling less “ostracized” again. - OK... 19.38... tuck-in time for my Little GUY! - 21.15 Looked-up the Novorossia flag to see if I could get one... They're not abundant but... Meanwhile... tried to see if I could get a pre-approval from Amazon on a Visa card... got that but they're from Chase (ICK) and I fell for the “application”... AH... no “instant”... but... Anyway... there goes my credit score because of this. Oh well... I couldn't get one other-wise but was going to try so? So... there we have it. It's just my credit score... I still have the loan and what-ever... - Running late again... Must finish Yonah's journal and ought to post this too... This one's looking like shit but the important stuff is on Yonah's anyway because Yonah is the ONLY “importance”. - 21.20 Yonah's journal done... this one as done as... - 22.47 Oh fucking well... I'll NEVER get back to any sort of “civil” rack-time. Tomorrow is NOT going to be “happy” and I've got THINGS I WANT to do... MOST important: Yonah's House-Keeping! Well... let's see how it all rolls. If I only get Yonah's house done I'll settle. - FUCK! APRIL IS DONE! TOMORROW IS FUCKING MAY AL-FUCKING-READY!