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Wed.28.June
“Rose Hole” Dream
Fri.2.June: 9.45 And ANOTHER shit day commences. I finally put the lights out at about 2.00. Woke to “Good morning heart-ache” and dozed until just after “Rain”. Why I’m up, coffee’ed, dressed and wash in the dryer is, well, it just is. Out-side, cloudy and chilly. Already another “list” of items that could be attended and, frankly, NOT! Not on the week-end whilst I have “my” time. It can all be done when Mme. returns. It’ll keep me away from her. NOTHING is noticed. NOTHING is appreciated. And when good work is done, the immediate response is to destroy or un-do. “You’re making the rest of them look bad.” Fine. – 9.50 Some young fellow just drove into the drive. Looking at plants. Don’t know. Don’t give a shit. – 16.00 give or take. The day is almost gone. And I’ve snoozed most of it away. – Rang Soc.Sec. Left another message. Rang Joanna to say that I might have a vehicle on Monday. Of course, with Mme. there’s no telling. Rang Dennis. His phone does immediately to voice mail too. Fuck. – That fellow who came by earlier was, I believe, “Jason”. Mme. told him she’d left him some plants on a table. more give-aways. But, as usual, she did NOT specify which table, and there are at least 5. Me? I told him to take what he needs. Also, told him why I’m not involved with this shit. HE was kind enough to divulge that Andrew is another Mme.: Can’t focus, scattered, all about and rarely dependable. BOTH of them. It’s going to be quite the horror. Coupled with more cool, wet weather, nothing planted in the garden. I fore-see doom and shining. Let’s see how the next 13-15 days go. 17.6.17 At the rate things are going, I just need to decide “where” and how to get there. Just not, oh no, not Vermont. – Cool. Breezy. Drizzle on and off. – (Catching-up on Saturday, 8.20) I was just too damned tired by 22.30 to write, let alone keep my eyes open, so I just went to bed. Tired? From doing nothing all day. It’s the mental and emotional stress of nothing more than being awake any more. the days activities consisted of watching TV and feeding the farm. I fried the 2 remaining andouille and even as they cooked, I knew I wasn’t hungry. I eat only because I should… in case I do get to go back to NY and by odd chance to something pleasant. Other-wise, I wouldn’t bother. As for everything else round here? I watch the grass grow, flowers die and other than the cat and dog, I don’t give a shit. – Round the day off… “Hannity” came on the TV and brief moments later: BANG! BANG! BANG!!! Out back! FIRE CRACKERS… AT 22.00! Since Mme. appears not to care, based on the previous 2 incidents (21.00 ans 21.30 an that the Twat throws them at “my” window) I’m of the belief that it’s plotted, planned and intentional. A sick scheme to get me to simply leave. Well, I’ll bring it up when I ask for the truck. “Hell” can work both ways. then, at about 22.00 and again at about 22.30, the house phone! “Chomedy”. What the fuck? All day somebody had been calling and hanging up! At 22.30, a feeble voice asked “Jacqueline Choiniere? C’est… Choiniere/” Yeah? Bon. “J’t’rappellerais…” J’pense PAS! I took the bloody receiver off, turned off the TV, went to bed. FUKDATSHIT! – Tried, a few times, to phone Dennis during the day. Left messages. Is it Fate, Karma, or… intercepting here? And why, suddenly is he reminiscing the old “romantic” days? Funny… I used to say “You’ll never meet anybody who’ll Love you as truly, deeply and sincerely as I do.” Years later, they appear to understand: I was right. Alas, too late. I still have the Love… I just have no more to give. – Friday, 2 June 2017… signed off.
Sat.3.June 9.00 Yesterday noted. At kitchen table just waiting for another day’s shit to commence. I’ve been up and about from since about 7.45. And it’s another grey, damp, chilly and drizzly day. perfect for not mowing the lawn. (I’m owed for 4 times in May anyway.) Can’t cut the limb down from the maple… too wet and all I have is a hand-saw. I’m not about to sit in the cold, damp to week lilies. So? Fuck it. – A though: Monday is Mme.’s 75th. I wonder if she’ll have “do’s” to attend, precluding a loan of the truck. Ah… I DO fore-see “not happy times” ahead. – And so we begin yet another day in the shit-bag of Freakin’ Fucklin. – 24.27 Clothes in the dryer. Showered. hair and beard trimmed. Teeth pulled and brushed. And for most of the day I dozed on the recliner. It rained, was cold and damp. Turned up the heat for a while. Tired. Terribly tired. Saged the room tonight. At about 19.00 Kayla left with the kids. She’s not back. – Clear skies now. – Tried Dennis several times. No answer. – This day this week-end is done. – If I don’t get to NY this week, her garden will produce nothing.
Sun.4.June 9.29 Well, by about 1.30 I put the lights out, head on pillow and tried to get SOME sleep. Restless, but eventually I began to drift off into slee… Nope. At about 3.00, the stomping up and down the stairs began. Mrs. Twat had returned, and, of course, multiple trips from car to flat, up and down the stairs. Then, of course, the running and stomping to and fro, back and forth across the floor up there. That parade went on for about 45 minutes. So, by about 4.00, I finally managed to get to sleep until… the 7.00 alarm, which got silences until… the 8.00 alarm, which also got silenced until… the 8.30 alarm, which got silenced until I simply surrendered to the day, got up, went to the loo, let Hallie out, had coffee, served breakfast, dressed. – Bright, clear morning. Not too chilly. Delightful for yard-work and gardening… none of which I intend to do. – Mme. informed, she’ll be in Enosburgh at 14.00. She’s expecting her Andres and Adam at the house here during the day. And as for me? I’m a bit “tight in the chest” this morning and plan a bit of photo-posting to Woodhauler and not much else. Even house-cleaning is doubtful today. – As with most morning here, this morning too and again begins with a hearty “FUKKIT!”. – 22.00 And showered, in bed, after a day I neither planned nor intended. The sun shone this afternoon, Andrew came to work in the garden and I? I cleaned the back of the phone shed! I mean… NOTHING IS LEFT… NOT EVEN THE OLD FENCE POST! I want to get some grass on the dirt but from a waste heap of general shit, old windows, pain cans, torn tarps and old hoses, etc… it’s now perfectly CLEANED! 2 years after pulling all that jewel weed! Done! Andrew… wait… EVEN THE COUNTER TOP! THAT WAS TODAY’S FINALE! Yeah, it’s beside the barn. But none of the shit is visible! So, Andrew left and I finished up. At about 16.00 I went to the store for Kitty tuna (another 3 tins), bread and chicken nuggets for me for my “meal du jour”. At 17.00, Hallie got fed and too, Mr. Kitty and as I came out of the barn, Mme. had arrived. I pulled me together, being nice. Kayla came to pay their rent and I, not wanting to be too around wither of them TOOK DOWN THE BROKEN LIMP FROM THE MAPLE TREE… AND THE SHIT GASHED MY ELBOW AND SLAMMED MY JAW. Nothing too serious though. BUT! When I told Mme. about being hit… “At least it didn’t hit the canoe.” Yeah. that was to be expected… truly… It’s not bothering me any more. I can’t let it. And so, I cut most of it for fire-wood and came into the house where I was immediately given 100$ for the lawn-mowing. Well, indeed. And THEN… I said “Remember when you asked how you could help me? Can I borrow the truck one day this week?” NOT A SKIPPED BEAT CAME THE “Yes.” !!!
(On Wednesday 7 June at 23.00) *** ROUSES POINT, NY!!! ***
Monday, 5 June: another really rainy day and I passed it ALL in the white room, sketching the “For Sale” sign for 172. Rain. The room. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Tue.8.June: It began, this day, NOT WELL. This morning, as I was having my coffee, Mme. announces “When we go to NY today, we can stop at Evaporator and you can drop me at Ste. Anne’s. I can visit and you can pick me up when you’re done.” “WE”? I did my very best to not utterly explode on her. “WE”? So, instead of going on this interview under no pressure, to take all necessary time, I’m now constrained having to make certain I’m some-where else, not too long, not too late. As calmly as I could, I simply put it to her: IF I do NOT get this position because of ANYTHING SHE does to thwart in in ANY way, I swear, solemnly, that I will make my presence here, worse than ANY “Hell” she might imagine. “If you think it’s been bad lately, I’ll have you praying for these days again.” Plans returned to “I” would go to NY today. I went back to to working on the sign. By 13.00, it was as if the morning never happened. By 15.00 I was showered. 15.15 on the road! – Couldn’t find the house in NY right away. Drover round a bit but arrived at 16.00! Joanna was MOST gracious, offered tea. We talked. The house is MAGNIFICENT! Neat. Clean. the grounds are elegant. The “guest house” is quite lovely and quite on the premises. But in “move-in” condition as far as I’m concerned. Work there would be a delight! And she asked about furniture, cooking utensils, TV! Astounding! Class. Consideration. I was there for just over TWO HOURS, SO LOVELY. Even if only to know” Civil people DO STILL exist! – Got back at about 19.00. Paté chinnois for dinner. – OH! And Joanna gave me a tub of ground, organic chicken for Mr. Kitty! Her cat won’t eat it. – Evening turned to night. – I have to scour for references! – David, I learnt. left home at age 13, alcoholic father. Came to U.S. on scholarship for football. Is an atty and owns mineral mines. Genius (which we didn’t watch this week, by the way). Joanna only just learnt that her father was Jewish. I can only hope for salvation from where I am now. Truth is: I’m a New Yorker.
As for today, Wednesday, 7 June: I finished the sign, started to cultivate the flower-beds. FIRST DAY OF SUNSHINE IN WHAT SEEMS TO BE 
MONTHS! Adam came by, started to till, then got Jacquie on the tiller. I GOT THE RIDE-ON GOING and headed to 172! Thank to help from Dave *172 IS MOWED! Slow and tedious because the grass was high but 4 hours and DONE! – Jacquie got stuck in the garden (no surprise). Dickie got her out. She drove by 172 on her way to visit a friend (16.00 or so), brought me to 5199 so I could get gas for the mower and then back to 172. Never mind bringing water or such. And 172 is locked. Nope. neither concern nor consideration. Complete opposite of NY. But I got the mowing done (and won’t get paid for it, no doubt). – Was back at 5199 by 17.45. Mowed 5199 round the garden. Fed Hallie and Mr. Kitty. He likes the chicken! Good for him! Get that taste for raw meat AND it’s LOADED with great vits. and such! – This evening, 20.30 or so, drove the Subaru over to 172 and put up the sign. Car squeaked a bit but ran well. (It needs to get me to NY!) – Mme. returned at about 21.00. We watched news. – 23.34 Showered. Caught up. A touch tired. I’m back to 2gm vit.C of late. Feeling much better.
Thu.8.June: 22.24 up at 8.15. Out the door by 10.00. Mowed the front yard and Highgate Street, including the front of the lilies. Quick 
break for a sammich. out. Brought back the blue barrel to fill with water by the green-house. back to 172 in the Subaru (took the truck to get the barrel), rolled the oil barrel from garage to the maple, climbed up and cut the dropped branches. Back at 5199. brought out the ride-on. Mme. was, all morning, planting sunflowers along the fence. But she’s not using the entire length that I’d dug. THEN she wanted me to till the garden! Nope! She did it. Anyway, when she left for work at 16.00 or so, I finished mowing ALL of the 5199 lawn! By 18.00 I went to the store, went into the 100$ she gave me for last month’s lawn mowing to get smokes (and a 12-pack of Twisted Tea). Hotdogs for dinner. And here I am, almost ready for shower and bed! I can SAFELY say: NO…NO…NOBODY ELSE WILL MAKE HER LIFE SO DAMNED COMFY! – POOR HALLIE. – NO MR. KITTY IN THE BARN! I’M WORRIED – Finally light out… 1.30!
Fri.9.June: (on Saturday at 11.00!) Accomplishments? Well, for to begin, I sent “references” to Joanna. I’ll be sorely sorry because all I had/have are Mme., Pam, Dave and Ev. but the results will be quite telling and enlightening… to be sure. I sent her the “Woodhauler” blog too. As I’m doing, a “text” from Mme. Her Maryrose to come at 16.00 to bring tyres. Implied? Haul them into the garage! Ah, but is was at about 13.30 when she rolled in and I was in the midst of composing my references! Yeah. Ms. Rose got a bit of my wrath. But now she knows how miserable I am here. She also noticed the clean floors. “Be sure to mention it to Mrs. Luce please. They get washed every week-end. She’s lived very well since I’ve been taking care of her premises.” Let the bull-shit roll and run freely. I’m at a point where I honestly don’t give a shit… Honestly. And so, I left my e-mail and yes, tyres are back in the garage. Ms. R. noticed that too, is clean. Imagine! And so, I returned to “my” business. – By about 15.00 it appeared that the threatened rains weren’t to be. I got the ride-on started and headed out to 172. Stopped to chat with Dave, rolled over to 172… Once toward the back, once toward the front and DEAD AGAIN! Walked back to 5199. Dave said check the air filtre. At 5199, put garden tools into the Subaru and headed back to 172. Checked the air filtre. Perfectly clean BUT the shit wouldn’t turn over! So, I cut and tilled the little garden area in front of the porch only just enough to appear “clean”, nothing more. Tried the mower. DEAD. Packed tools into the car, back to 5199, grabbed 2 tarps, back to 172 to cover the mower. Left it in the front yard… covered… in case of rain. Oh well. – It was 17.00 when I got done with this shit. to the store. Bread, ice cream, dairy. Done! – Meal, again, 2 Hallie franks, crisps, ice cream. I wasn’t, and haven’t been hungry, but… – NO MR. KITTY AGAIN THIS EVENING! – The rest of the night: WOODHAULER UP-DATE! New photos posted and lawn journal, and 172 added. And it took me ALL EVENING AND UNTIL BEYOND MIDNIGHT! Some 50-plus images added! – End of day? 2.00 on Saturday!
Sat.10June: 11.40 I didn’t bother to wake until 9.15. Sunny. Nice. Good day for mowing. Not bothering. The ride-on is at 172. And, generally… Nope. No shits to give. – Andrew is supposed to come today to plant potatoes. Yep. OK. – 15.40 On the front porch. Sun shining. Warm. not too hot. – AT ABOUT 13.00 I WAS HAVING A ‘MOKE AND NOTICED SOMETHING MOVING IN THE BARN WINDOW. SMALL. WHITE. SO I WENT TO PUT MY BAGS AND SNEAKERS ON TO GO INVESTIGATE… MR. KITTY HAS RETURNED! I BROUGHT HIM SOME CHICKEN AND SPEN A FEW MINUTES WITH HIM. HE PURRED AND LAID ON THE FLOOR. HE KNOWS I MEAN HIM NO HARM. The heart-ache for me is knowing that he’ll be neglected when I’m gone from here. As with all else, Mme. will certainly not bother with him. last night… early this morning… I thought to myself as I stood in the moon-light, out back: WHEN I WAS JUST OLDER THAN INFANCY, I TRUSTED MY PARENTS, TO GIVE, AT LEAST, THE BASICS OF FOOD AND PROTECTION. IN MY OWN WAY, I THOUGHT I’D GET AT LEAST A BIT OF CARE AND COMPASSION. I GOT THE “LEGAL” ESSENTIALS: A HOUSE, FOOD, CLOTHING. CARE? YEAH. FROM MUM, AND VIOLENCE FROM “FATHER”. FROM HIM, I GOT CONSTANT “WAR”. I LEARNED TO DO FOR ME, WHAT I NEEDED TO SURVIVE, MOMENT-TO-MOMENT, BREATH-TO-BREATH. NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT WAS NECESSARY TO PROVIDE MY OWN PEACE AND CALM IN MY OWN MIND AND SOUL. SO FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, IT WAS ALL MY OWN RESPONSIBILITY. AS YEARS WENT BY OTHER PEOPLE CAME AND WENT. IN FAIRNESS, I GAVE THEM THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW COMPASSION, AS I GAVE TO THEM. EVEN THE SIBLINGS I CARED FOR AND ABOUT… AXES IN MY BACK. EVEN DAESH HAS MORE COMPASSION: THEY HA CK THE HEADS OFF, SEVERING THE BRAIN, THOUGHT QUICKLY BECOMES BLACK SILENCE. PAIN IS BRIEF. DEATH IS QUICK, WITH NO CHANCE OF SURVIVAL. THE OTHERS? SUBSEQUENT ACQUAINTENCES THROUGH MY YEARS? AS SLOWLY AS POSSIBLE… KINDNESS TO “LURE”. TAKE… TAKE… TAKE… UNTIL I CAN GIVE LESS. AND THEN? “I” BECOME THE ABUSER, THE THANKLESS INGRATE, ALWAYS DISPOSABLE. AND I GO ON, ALONE, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO CREATE MY OWN PEACE… WITH-OUT THEM. HIDING IN THE ROCKS AND WOODS. .DAYS AT “THE WOODEN BRIDGE” AND “3 TUNNELS”. NIGHTS ON THE DUNES, UNDER THE TREE. IN AND OUT OF THE SHELTER. SKETCHING BESIDE THE HUDSON. AND WALKING OUR AFTER HOUR AND HOUR. I SUPPOSE I AM MR. KITTLY… AND… MR. KITTY IS ME. WE KNOW WHAT MUST BE DONE, HOW AND WHEN IT MUST BE DONE… AND… WE DO IT… ALONE… FOR US… ALONE. AND THE WORLD CALLS US “FERAL” AND “STRAY”. TOUGH SHIT. – 24.34 Finally in bed. Showered. Last wash in the dryer. And as night rolled in, so too, the heat. 38° Index for tomorrow. Indeed. – Dozed and snoozed a lot today. Dave came by to say the ride-on is kaput. Said Mme. should sell all 3 and buy one new and forget ride-on. Not necessary. Gee. I said that last year… But… never mind. – Pasta/lentils for dinner. – Flower-beds and lawn watered. – Hopefully I’ll sleep through the night. Right leg cramps the past two nights. – Good night Dennis.
Sun.11.June: 20.57 In bed! Showered. I grudgingly woke just after 8 and mopped the floor thinking folks were coming this evening. 
Well… as is this place, nobody came. Pam, Dave, Jes and Kerry were supposed to have a “do” for Jacquie here. Kerry pulled it at her place in Venice! Jacquie was too tired. Bunch of fucks, the shit-bags. But I got the old limbs cut to stove-length this morning and stacked in the kitchen. Then moved on to the lily-be. – Jacquie came as I was working there. – The ride-on and White mowers are at a local “fix-it”. When I finished weeding and trimming the lilies I mowed with the black. – Temperatures did get up to almost 40°! – No Mr. Kitty again. – Temperature in this room is finally down to 29°/ Fan running in the window. – Soc.med. time and hope for sleep – Mme. is off tomorrow. Road trip Jesus-selling. Fonda, NY. I was supposed to go on this one. With-out a word, she’s got a little “friend” to go with her. Fine. Me? No plans for much of “her” work. – She’ll be back Tues. evening. Wednesday is “staff meeting”. Thursday? Te regular routine. – SO FUCKING HOT THOUGH! – No word from NY job. Here we go again… (Monday at noon-ish) Jacquie kept suggesting that we “go for a ride”. To go some-where to eat. Pine Cone in Richford or the Abbey. Hey! I’d worked in the heat all day. i was tired. Not to mention, she’d wanted to go to Montréal to The Cross and hinted going today. Hell no! So, as I finished mowing along the lilies, she cooked a burger for each of us. No travel. – Oh and” She brought/bought ONE can of Flat-Fix (instead of 2), a spray “Carb/Choke” cleaner (instead of a bottle of gas additive_ and a roll of electric tape. Me? I see it as “more of her work” expecting me to do it. And note on the mowers: Dave told me that Pam had bought 3 mowers from that guy. None of them ever worked well. I see more money being pissed away. Patheitc. The mowers will be gone for several days now. Fine.
Mon.12.June: 12.10 Woke at about 7.00 and got up. Mme. in the shower already. By 9.30 she was out the door, on the road to Jesus-selling. – This morning she mentioned that her Maryrose commented on how wonderful the place looks due to my work. Yeah. Well. What-ever. – By about 10.00 I went back to bed… until about 11.30. The sun is shining and according to “Météo”: 31°, Index 38°. No rush to get out there just yet. There’s time. And most of the place is looking fine. Fukkit. – 24.28 In bed, showered. AT LAST! It was another 40° day and i did nothing for most of it. But as day turned to evening, I managed to find some un-used tools of a bit of value to me: Circular and jig saws, sanders and wood chisels. The chisels came in handy to work more on the loo door which has, AGAIN, swollen, but I did what I could. The I tapes ALL the leaks in the green-house hose… about 7 or 8 of them. No more sprays! AND, I took BOTH cart tyres across the road and got them inflated. Ah, the 1,50$ originally left on the kitchen table for the task, was down to 1,00$. I took it, added my 50 cents BUT the air started at 25 cents. Sadly, I put in 50 BUT I’m keeping the 1,00. The cart will roll again! Keep me busy and away from Mme. – NOTE: Chatted with Dickie C. this evening. Now, Dave said that Pam bought 3 mowers from the guy Jacquie gave the White and the ride-on to to repair. Pam’s mowers didn’t work. Dickie tells me that his wife’s relative gave the guy 2 mowers to repair. He told the relative they couldn’t be repaired but when the relative went to get them back, the guy had sold them. Loos like Mrs. Too-Fucking-Smart may well be out 2 mowers soon. Me? I told her to discuss the mower issue with Dave. She chose not to. As I say: Too Fucking Smart. none of my Fucking business. – Well, she’s in Schenectady with some old woman, Jesus-selling. Me? I’ve got the fan in the window and the large one in the living-room. Temperature in the room today was about 30-plus. it’s down to about 25. The fan breeze is a delight. – NO MR. KITTY AGAIN TODAY.
(It’s Friday, 16 June, about 11.30. This morning’s rains have ended and the ground is wet, so whilst the breezes dry things off a bit, it’s time to try to catch-up with this fucking week.)
Tue.13.June: The entire day here, cleaning up the lily-bed. Mme. was supposed to be back by 18.00. her Andrew was supposed to be here by same. She never arrived until 20.00. He never showed at all. And, of course, the day’s work was never noticed. All 5 bags of mulch were put down along the lilies and the peonies. Mme. came into the drive via the Highgate Street… drove the entire length of the lilies, BYT, as usual… OBLIVION. Typical. And when all had settled, she wanted to go out to eat! That late and me, covered in sweat and mulch. Gee. “How about the Pine Cone in Richford?” “Or the Abbey?” Me? How about I’m exhausted and filthy? She made a burger for each of us and then did what she does best of all: Whined of being so tired, slammed into the recliner and fell asleep. Margot. Lyle. Recliners. Wow. me? I watched moments of TV until “décorum” ran to the end. A shower and to bed, exhausted from actual labour. – HOWEVER: TO MY UTTER CHOCK, THE NOTICE FROM SOC.SEC. THE LAST NOTICE I’D EVER RECEIVED FROM THEM, YEARS AGO, STATE THAT, IF I BEGAN COLLECTING AT AGE 62 I’D GET 700$ MONTHLY. I ALMOST CRIED TO SEE THIS NOTICE! THE CLAIM IS DONE. 400$ MORE! BUT THERE’S STILL TIME FOR IT TO COME TO A CRASHING, CRUSHING HALT. I’M NOT SO STUPID AS TO BELIEVE THAT THIS IS FINISHED.
The Notice Reads:
(Jamaica NY
Date: June 10, 2017)
You are entitled to monthly retirement benefits beginning September 2017.
What We Will Pay And When
•You will receive $1,011.00 for September 2017 around October 25, 2017.
•After than you will receive $1,011.00 on or about the fourth Wednesday of each month.
•These and any future payments will go to the financial institution you selected. Please let us know if you change your mailing address, so we can send you letters directly.
•The day of the month you receive your payments depends on your date of birth.
Other Social Security benefits
This benefit is the only benefit you can receive from us at this time. In the future, if you think you might qualify for another benefit from us, you will need to apply again.
Your Responsibilities
Your benefits are based on the information you gave us. If this information changes, it could affect your benefits. For this reason, it is important that you report changes to us right away.
We have enclosed a pamphlet, “What You need To Know When You Get Retirement Or Survivors benefits”. It tells you what must be report and how to report.
(Received Tuesday 13 June 2017
I never thought that I’d live this long, to see this day when I’d be eligible for this. It wasn’t so long ago, I was peddling my bicycle in the early morning darkness, delivering the Times Herald Record, earning my first dollar. Nor was it so long ago, my 7th birthday when Oma brought me to the Social Security office on Broadway to get my number and card. then to the Newburgh Savings to open my first account. And here I am, “old” and “retired”, still and always ready and waiting for the Peace of Death. – Ah, no doubt… 24 October. that’s how I see this playing out… if Life goes on the way it’s always been.)
Wed.14.June: * FIRE-WOOD DELIVERY! TWO CORDS! Clear skies. Relatively calm beginning to the day. Mme. had no “staff meeting” but made an appointment for a “spa day” for Ms. Hallie AND wanted me to go with to BTV. I’ve NO desire to go to the very epicentre of the anus that is this state. And riding about for hours with Mme.? Oh no. Besides, there are “busy things” to be done round the house that I’d actually enjoy. And THEN… Round about 9.00… the truck pulls into the yard, round to the garage and DUMPS A PILE OF FIRE-WOOD! TWO BLOODY CORDS! I said nothing about it. Mme. behaved as if it didn’t happen. Asked again if i wanted to go to BTV. Again, I declined. off she rolled with Hallie and by noon I was sweeping the garage, prepping to stack the fucking wood… ALL through the day. “Dinner break”, 19.00.-20.00 when Mme. returned. THE JOB WAS DONE, INCLUDING A CLEAN-UP OF THE DRIVE, FINAL PHOTO TAKEN AT *23.07! I came into the house, took 2 naproxyn and a shower. Mme. and Ms. Hallie asleep long before, and went to bed! FUCK ME! 11 HOURS OF WOOD-HAULING!
Thu.15.June: By 10.00 it was work on the 3 rows of neglected “berry bushes”. Went out with the hand clippers and cut down all of the grass that had grown in and between them. The plan is to use what-ever grass I can salvage for behind the phone-shed. It took much longer than I’d anticipated but Mme. leaves later these days for work so I keep busy for as long as possible. And oh, today I worked shirtless. At least my upper body will get some sun again. i look like shit. Sagging chest and a horrible gut. Old. But I want some colour under my shirt. (And yes, I got a bit of sun-burn. Nothing drastic but enough to “know”.) Well. Mme. took off at about 15.30 with-out a word and I got the 3 rows “cut” round. tomorrow I’ll cut sod. As for the rest of the evening? Not much. A beer. TV. And to shower and bed at about mid-night. – DAY 5: NO KITTY!
Fri.16.June: “00.00” on the phone. Showered. In bed. The wash is in the dryer. The sod is behind the phone-shed. And I’m finally caught-up with this journal. – It rained until almost noon and a breeze came to dry everything so by 14.00 I went out to cut sod. 2 “Cecil carts”, double layer each. But it’s done. Now I think I’ll just till the rest. Turn it over. No matter what I do, it won’t be appreciated anyway. The grass I’d cut yesterday is on the “compost”. that old cart did make it all much easier. – Andrew fucked-off again today and I’m fucking livid! I’m burnt-out now. Taking care of flowers, lawns, dog, house. THE END! I expect I’ll be expected to help with the garden now too. Sent tonight’s report to Jacquie advising her to contact Andrew to tell him not to come here unless she’s at home lest he get physically harmed. I DO NOT OWE HER ANY HELP WITH THE GARDEN AND I’M NOT GIVING ANY. THE ABUSE IS DONE! – Well, finished the work about 18.00, settled-in. – MR. KITTY RETURNED THIS EVENING! Sweet little bit. Lays at my feet, purring and so chatty! If only he’d learn to play with-out claws. But he ate and we had some time and I’m relieved to know he’s OK. – The day is done.
Sat.17.June: 0.08 MAMA WOULD HAVE BEEN 84.
THIS YEA R IS 29 YEARS SHE’S BEEN GONE.
IT NEVER GETS “BETTER”.
IT JUST GETS “DIFFERENT”.
What I wouldn’t give to simply go to sleep… forever. – 16.33-ish. HOT again today. most of the day spent posting to Woodhauler (and smoking too much). But at least Woodhauler is current. – Saw Mr. Kitty come out of the barn this morning, turn and head back. But I’ll bet the barn’s too hot to be in. – Index of 39° for tomorrow. I want to get sod turned along the raspberry rows and at least one yard mowed… mowed. Should be interesting. – I’m wondering why no word from NY again. I see that this is going to be another fucking joke. But it’s actually true that it’s THEIR loss. I put a LOT of good, hard work into my place of residence. I’ve got documentation to prove it. Well. The best one can do is offer. Can’t force people to make their life easier. – Looks like rain wants to come. Forecast claims tomorrow the only rain-free day all week. Fine. – I’d thought to day would be my “ADK” day. Am I stupid for not doing so? Probably. But it would be nice to get at least SOME of my Soc.Sec. money! DAMN IT! – 23.31 Did nothing with this day and don’t care because tomorrow recommences the general bull-shit. – Extremely congested though. CA Lung? 6 months? Would be typical of my existence. i wonder who I should give my card and pass code to. – Showered. The end.
Sun.18.June: I don’t know how and I don’t know why but it’s only 7..30 and I didn’t hear the 7.00 alarm but I’m up, had coffee, fed Hallie, had my smoke and am on the move. Although my chest is congested and it’s already hot enough to break a sweat just navigating the kitchen. I haven’t washed the floors. Haven’t Hoovered. Probably won’t. I want to till the raspberries, get the lawns of 172 and 5199 mowed today. Tomorrow, Ms.H goes to the vet. I can get the floors done then. “Tomorrow”. As if. today’s “Annoyance”? The fucking garden. Mme. should get help from the Alexant-Boyle arses in return for the garden help she’s given them. But this is Vermont: land of self-serving, entitled shits. meanwhile, this should have been, for me, a morning in New York. Edgement. And still no word from Rouses Point. I’m at the point where I’m pissed about that too. Somebody on soc.med. once posted “You’re lucky you can work through your depression”. No. I work to avoid the anger and bitterness. But they’ll never know. Franchement, they wouldn’t care even if they did know. Well, another day. 39° in the forecast. Perhaps I can work myself to the Peace of Death today. Something to look forward to. – (On Monday morning 8.50) Well, in 40° I managed to till the 3 rows of raspberries, and yes, it was HELL. But it got done. And I hand-trimmed the tall grass along the phone shed flowers and back walk. – Mme. returned at 14.30 JUST as I’d laid down for a nap. I continued my nap though for an hour! – At about 19.00, I rode the mower to 172, got 4 passes in and black smoke! Rode back to 5199. Mme. saw the smoke, heard the engine sputter and STILL doesn’t understand that the mower CAN’T move like that! It’s just incredible, the ignorance. I’m hoping it’s just the air filtre. But she wanted to bring it back across the road to that guy who cleaned the carburetor! No. You CAN’T fix stupid. Once upon a time I cared. I can’t any longer. – Watched TV until 23.0. Showered. To bed. Sunday passed. – I can’t help but think: this Joanna and David NY job is another fuck-up. I’m annoyed… quite.
Mon.19.June: 9.07 I don’t know why, but I woke at 7.00 and got up and out of bed. Rainy, so I can’t mow or do much out-doors. have kept in the little room for the most part. Dreading this afternoon… Hallie to vet at 14.30 and skies due to clear then. I’ll be hijacked… no doubt. – 22.37 In bed. – NO HOT WATER AND IT APPEARS THAT SOMEBODY TAMPERED WITH THE FURNACE. THE MOTOR COVER IS REMOVED. I’VE LEFT A NOTE IN THE KITCHEN FOR JACQUIE. – At 14.00 we took Hallie to the Dr. for her annual and then in search of air filtre for the ride-on. 2 places in Swanton. Wal-Mart (where Jacquie paid a tin of Bondo that’s missing the fucking hardener) and Aubochon’s. Finally got it at Tractor Supply. Got the fuel injector cleaner at Dollar Gen’l, Swanton. back at the house, I changed the filtre, checked the oil, added the cleaner and drove the mower round the Square. I can only hope it works. But now I have to go back to Walmart for the hardener so I can repair the Subaru. Shit. – rained most of the day. Will have to wait for dry weather to work on the car… AND MOW TWO LAWNS. – Meanwhile, the stomping up-stairs is bad enough that I hear it in this room. Tonight, Jacquie gets a dose of the Twats’ bull-shit.
Tue.20.June: 23.32 Again NY closed. Gone. Joanna noted my search for an attorney against the P.O. I replied tersely but politely. Oh well. Perhaps “better” awaits. – 5199 Lawn mowed. I got the ride-on working nicely. Got the mowing in after a day of rain. – Andrew showed for 2 hours. Worthless shit. – I drove to WalMart to exchange Bondo. TWO FUCKING HOURS! I’d wanted to go to Bedford! Fucked. – “Discussion” AGAIN about not working the garden! Dense. And she had the audacity to brush it all off, the work I do:
WHAT HAVE I EVER ASKED YO TO DO?
Fuck me. Ingrates. Margot again.
No hot water. Furnace went again. No shower tonight. – We watched the end of “Genius”. I can’t help but think: Many didn’t understand Einstein, the human, either.
Wed.21.June: 20.50 In bed. Filthy. All but the back yard at 172 is mowed. The mower went AGAIN! But I barely got it back to 5199+. Also cleaned the mowing bed with the hose. Mme.’s attitude? “Maybe it’ll work better tomorrow.” Fucktard. – I cleaned up where the tomato cages are. And mowed where the ride-on won’t at 5199. The White mower. – Meanwhile, Mme. and her Andrew worked in the garden, together, and even though she was there, she whines about his work. She ASKS for and ENSURES she has something to whine about! – OK. AND THE FURNACE DIED TODAY. NO HOT WATER! AH… TODAY! HEY! I WAS UP AT 4.00 WITH RIGHT LEG CRAMPS SO BAD THAT I COULDN’T STAND! MY BACK HAS BEEN SO PAINFUL ALL DAY I COULD HAVE YELLED FROM THE PAIN! (I’VE SAID NOTHING. JUST KEPT WORKING.) (SHE’D ONLY LAUGH ANYWAY.) SO NO, I PHYSICALLY CAN’T TAKE A COLD SHOWER, LEST I PARALYSE MYSELF HERE. So? To bed… Filthy. I’m filthy. Clothes, filthy. Oh well. – As for a “meal” all day, I went for 2 ice cream sandwiches round 14.00 and at about 20.00, heated the remaining turkey cold-cuts, on a roll. – Now, Mme. is asleep in her recliner. I’m in bed, 2 naproxyn and some tonic. Hopefully I’ll sleep through the night. When she leaves tomorrow?
There a sink full of shit in the kitchen, filthy floors. And I’ll have to figure how to wash and fill the tub. Fuck.
Thu.22.June: 3.24 Well, I was asleep by about 20.30 last night so I’m awake now, a full night of sleep, thankfully. And I’ve pee’ed, had coffee and smoke. Sun-rise due at 5.08. Odd, but I used to enjoy being awake and rested at this hour. today, I’m awake, rested, and yet fatigued from depression. No cause o r reason to be awake… or even alive. – The kitchen is disgusting. Shit in the sink, on the table, the floor, even I’m filthy. Live was cleaner under the tree in Tilden. What a fuck. And yesterday was the longest day of the year. Yep. Summer is here. And now, the days begin to grow shorter again. time passes so quickly over all. but here, in general, it drags on. This here, and now, is Hell. After this? Only Peace. – I think there are 2 “Angels Trumpets” growing in the cleared area by the phone-shed. I don’t know “how” but i do know “why”. They’re a “gift” to me, if, indeed that’s what they are. 2 seeds are hallucinogenic. Several, bring peace. I can only hope. – But I slept through the night, woke slightly painful, to wake another day with-out purpose, with only the usual dread. – This evening? The hope of being able to clean the tub sufficiently, fill it with warm water and bathe. – Oh! How I hate, truly HATE this place, this time, these people. – 22.29 In bed. Mostly showered. COLD shower. All except the torso because of my back. But hair, face, legs, feet, arms… clean! Tomorrow, a water heater will be installed. only 50 gallons so I’ll have to time my own showers. but better than cold water bathing. And I managed to wash my clothes tonight. Good news. – Message from TSP: USPS fucking about with my little pension. I have to contact USPS tomorrow! Fine. They’ll get an ear-full of my wrath! – Jacquie said, today, that when I leave she’ll get somebody to come live here: Agency or State client. Yep. She doesn’t want to be alone. My take? Dump the Twats and get a tenant who takes pride in his place of residence. Or up the rent to 1000$/month. But I say nothing. – Got all the old limbs cut for fire-wood today whilst Jacquie tilled her garden. Clipped old fence and installed behind phone-shed. the chokeweed can grow on it: green, flowers, covers the opening along the bottom. – Phantastic News: Devil’s Trumpet growing in the area cleared by the phone shed! Protected by a bit of fencing! Hopefully I’ll get to “harvest” it and seeds!
It’s almost midnight, Saturday, 24 June.
Fri.23.June: The ONLY “work” done was a complete and quite thorough cleaning of floors. The water heater was installed at 9.00-10.00 HOT WATER again! So, I scrubbed the tub too. Dusted the walls to get rid of dust and cob-webs. But by day’s end, no shower. Too fucking exhausted.
Today? I slept. On. Off. Slept. SO FUCKING TIRED! And every time I thought of doing something, the over-whelming thought was: Nothing is appreciated. Why bother? I’ll hear “Maybe it shouldn’t… in the first place.” It’ll be destroyed or un-done. And so, I did nothing… nothing at all. Sat in the recliner and slept. It rained on and off all day too. So sleeping was the best escape… from here, from depression. – I can’t help but wonder about my lungs. I don’t feel I’m getting enough oxygen. it’s OK. But I don’t want to die here. – Can’t use the window fan again. ad it running today and the room filled with horrid stench. Rotting garbage. No sense mentioning it. Same thing happened last year. I told Mme. nothing got done about it. – OH: FRIDAY: CONTACTED USPS. THEY CLAIM THEY NOTIFIED TSP ON 11 MARCH 2015! THE’LL SEND THE “CODE” AGAIN AND I SHOLD HEAR BY MONDAY. FUCKTARDS.
Clothes in dryer. Twats are away. No Mr. Kitty. 2nd day. Hallie’s in “her bed”. Tomorrow? Fuck.
Sun.25.June: 23.02 Showered. in bed. SCREEN DOOR to porch! I told Mme. about the stench of garbage and she said “They should have a cover on those cans” and did nothing. So I went to the barn, brought down both old doors, washed them, cut screen from one to patch the other and now I can keep the window fan on exhaust and draw air in from the porch. – Cleaned the area by the green-house today. mowed under the cedars too. Planted 2 lilies out front. None of any of it was noticed. But I figured as much. – PAINFUL BACK tonight. Oh well. – Mr. Kitty got tuna for lunch, dry for dinner and is off and gone again. – I’m just bloody fed up with this shit-hole and so, again tonight… Fuck.
It’s already become Friday, the 30th and last day of June 2017. Well fuck. Another year half gone! 8.20 in the morning too. Life and time just disappearing, and all this passed week by the time I got to bed, i was just too damned tired to put pen to paper. That, and the fact that holding a pen has become painful. To be quite honest, the simple act of waking in the morning has become painful. Back, legs, neck… all going straight to shit. And depression. that’s come to the point where it’s ever-present, hanging heavily on mind and body. Not happy being here, at all, doing my best to push myself to keep busy, occupied at all times, keeping house and land “presentable”, and no matter what, no effort is recognised, noticed, appreciated. Truth is, I keep busy to avoid acknowledging any and everything around me. It’s no longer a matter of accomplishment, no any satisfaction from a job well done. The primary goal is to dodge and avoid, at all cost, the reality of physical existence. Mowing lawn, planting flowers, sweeping the porch… anything, takes my extreme focus off of and away from the place where I’m doing it and for that while, I’m not “happy” but I’m not “here”. And so, this noted, this week has slipped by with nothing more than brief notes jotted on a day’s work efforts and nothing more, nothing more really matters, and mood, mental state, emotional state remains same and consistent: dull, dank, dark, dusky, dreary and I don’t fore-see a change coming… except, perhaps a deepening. So today, all 3 mowers are fucked, as has become usual, it’s over-cast and wet, the “Index” is expected to reach 41°, only the floor actually need attention, so I’ll see what I can jot in this book as a matter of “catching-up”… not that it makes any matter of difference in or to the World, just more general bull-shit…
FOR Mon.26.June: kept quite busy thought the day. There was sun-shine, so by about 11.00 I was out the door and to the lily-bed, weeding. When done, I got the lawn in front and behind the row mowed nicely. I was rather exhausted after, but had to try some weather-stripping found in the barn, along the old screen door I’d cleaned, salvaged, repaired and installed on the little room. Not a perfect job, but it serves well to keep bugs out at night. But about 18.00, I was finished.
FOR Tue.27.June: Another sunny day. Out and on the move by 9.30 to remove the grass from the 3 rows of raspberries. Why? To keep busy. Jacquie’s been keeping busy in her garden too. My “instinct” is to help her, but my good sense and education keep me away. I KNOW that if I so much as pull a weed, I’ll be expected to move along with the rest and I WILL NOT BE A PART OF THAT BULL-SHIT AGAIN! 2,5 SEASONS FOR NOTHING BUT BEING ABLE TO SAY THAT “I DID THE WORK… ALONE.” AND OTHERS SAT OF EVER-FATTENING ARSES WAITING FOR FOOD! NEER AGAIN! When the cultivating was done, the White mower came out and I cleaned and trimmed along the fence and got that section of the yard mowed. Tried the rid-on for the rest of the back yard but it died again! Finished it off with the White mower. back yard… mowed and all by about 14.00!
FOR Wed.28.June: HORRID WAKING THIS MORNING! REALLY HORRID DREAM THAT I WOKE OUT OF AND EACH TIME I’D DRIFT BACK TO SLEEP, I’D GO RIGHT BACK INTO IT. THE THIRD TIME I WOKE OUT OF IT, I GOT OUT OF BED, MOSLTY BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO GO BACK ITO THE DREAM:
VERY DARK… Deep in the woods. So dark that there was no colour to trees or anything, but the dream wasn’t “black and white”, just more like night-time darkness. I was walking alone when I came upon an opening, a large hole in the ground, too wide to jump across, surrounded by wood-land meadow. The opening was quite round, the sides of the hole were straight, not tapered, and it was so deep that the “bottom” appeared as nothing but dead, void blackness. the depth made me painfully sick to look down into. A young (20’s?) girl came, dressed in white dress, hip-length straight, dark brown hair. She knew this place. “It’s known as the ‘Rose Hole’.” she told me, because only one, single, solitary, white rose grows, on one small stem, only to the bud but never fully opens, just at the edge where the earth begins to drop down. As far as any-one knows, nobody has ever been able to learn or determine how deep the hole goes. It has no “bottom”, no “end”, it simply drops into infinite blackness. People have, over its history, fallen or jumped into it, but there have never been screams heard coming even as they dropped. the hole is always silent. some fall in because it’s always so dark in this part of the woods and they don’t see the hole. Others fall because they’re curious about the rose, try to get a closer look and simply drop in because the earth around the opening is so smooth. And yet others jump… because they’ve had enough of this life and although no-body knows what’s down there, compared to life, that’s preferable. Nobody know if the sides are straight and open, or become rock out-croppings and ledges. Nobody knows where or if there’s a bottom. Not even contemporary science can ascertain the depth. It’s simply infinite black and darkness. On the first incident of the dream, I looked over the edge and down into the complete blackness below. In my thoughts, I imagined falling, endlessly, falling and the very notion of infinite falling, blind, set my nerved into painful shock-like pains. I woke, wondered what time it was and as I laid on the bed wondering, drifted back to sleep… and back into the dream. Squatting at the very edge of the hole, on a slick, rock and short grass, rounded edge, i was looking at the rose, from its side. A bud, still closed but seemingly on the verge of blooming, bending gently toward the opening of the hole, it seemed to exude peace. The air was so perfectly still, cool, damp. As I looked at the rose, I just began to fall, into the hole. I didn’t slip. I just quietly went over the edge and began almost drifting. As I fell, i wondered: should I turn head down so if there was a bottom, I’d hit head-first, crushing my brain so as not to have any sensation of impact or, if I hit feet first, the impact would shove my bones up into my torso and skull? I thought of hitting and bouncing off rock ledges repeatedly and wondered how many times it would take to die. But there were no ledges, nothing to stop me. I kept drifting down until the momentary panic of potentially being battered in the complete blackness woke me again. Again, I wondered what time it was. No alarm had sounded so it wasn’t even 7.00. Almost as if the ream pulled me, I drifted back to sleep and I was standing at the edge of the hole, looking across it but vividly aware of it’s depth and darkness. I felt pulled into it and in the dream, I thought “The only way to escape this is to wake up! Wake up and get up and out of bed!” I woke up, got dressed, went to the loo. it was about 6.30 when I got to the kitchen. Jacquie was already at table. –
Today was “staff meeting” day. Jacquie left at about 11.00 and I looked at the yard, disgusted because I wanted to do some work but I’m so bloody-fucking fed-the-fuck-up with working and nothing is appreciated or when I’m done, shit gets thrown to un-do my work. No incentive to do anything. But, as usual, I just started: planted the left-over petunias, some snap-dragons and sunflowers in the back flower-bed. Got the White mower going and the North side of the front yard mowed. Rain! Stopped mowing until it passed and… DEAD! Finished the South side all, with the self-propelled which DUG UP THE FUCKING FRONT! But the lawn is MOWED AGAIN! The damned limbs of the maples pissed me off. Smacking my face, so… saw and lopper… THEY’RE GONE! I stacked them on the pallets by the back porch, to be clipped and cut AND so they HAD to be seen. – At about 17.00, Jacquie rolled in… I was just tossing the last limb on the stack. Yeah… she noticed. Makes no difference to me any more.
-* JOANNA PHONED FOR A REFENCE THIS EVENING!*-
I didn’t stay by to hear but it was done in less time than a smoke.
I didn’t bother to ask about it BUT Jacquie said that she’d wanted to ask Joanna if I’d get a day off every week… … …
-*TO COME HERE TO MOW LANS AND ATTEND HALLIE!*-
IT’S ALL ABOUT “ME” AROUND HERE! YES. I HAD CO COME HERE TO LEARN WHAT EVE TOLD ME: YOU’VE SPENT YOU LIFE DOING FOR OTHERS, IT’S TIME TO DO FOR YOU.” EVEN AYN RAND WROTE THAT “SELFISHNESS” IS NECESSARY. I’VE LEARNT! Meanwhile, I’m not planning on THIS venture. As I said to Jacquie: Vincent, John, now this. I’m not putting any hope into this one either. just keep going, trying, moving along.
Thu.29.June: (FOR) Another dreary day and a bit of a late start and quick end. Jacquie worked in her garden, I tried to mow back there. Got the centre done on the ride-on and… it died. The White wouldn’t start. The black started and died. And she witnessed it all. All 3 mowers are down. I came back into th ehouse… defeated, and the rains came again. – Jacquie left for work at about 14.00 and I laid down and napped until about 16.30. Remainder of the day? Nothing. Quick trip to the store. Rain again tonight. TV out. As usual… Fuck.
Fri.30.June: 13.45 All this time to catch-up! Fine. Over-cast again. nothing that “needs” to be done. – Mr. Kitty got breakfast. – Clothes are clean. – Fuck it. – STRANGE DREAM last night. Something about be being in Richford. John Y. came into town trying to convince people that he’s so concerned about me, pretending “nice”. I called out to folks to contact 911 to get rid of him. – As I jot this, the Twats are packing luggage into their car. Just noting. – 23.19 Showered. In bed. Floors got Hoovered. I bought 2 packs smokes and Spic’n’Span. Kitchen and loo floors washed. – Finger and toe nails trimmed. And that’s the day. Done. So too, the whole fucking MONTH! – OH. USPS CLAIMS TSP GOT MY CODE. I CAN GET MY “PENSION”! 300 fucking bucks. Woop. But that COULD get me a lap-top. (This fucking shit-hole.)