AUGUST! and shit! 0.20 and still awake! Here comes THE month! – I’ve had more than enough, more than my “share”, more than I can stand. August. I was supposed to be out of this pit 3 months ago. I looked forward to it, to being able to cook meals, eat calmly, enjoy peace of place, mind, soul. And August… again. – But I’m 60 this month. 60 years. It’s time to get out and get away… not just from here, but from ALL. It’s time… it’s SO time to go. A few loose ends to tie up, and then… quickly, before the weather prohibits… I have to find the place. I know where it is, but I’ve never yet been… HOME… Find the place, how to get there… and then “GO”… I’m at the precupice… time to close my eyes and simply… fall… away. – 0.50 Just up from the last smoke. It’s raining. That’s delightful. May it continue on. Slow days ahead if so. Food later. Hopefully. Breakfast? Perhaps. Something from the store next door. Perhaps. If I wake on time. Otherwise… no. As usual. – I’m not tired now. Well, I am, but not exhausted. My nose has a little pimple again, right nostril. Not good. There’s a stench coming in through the door again too. – August… Enough! Truly… ENOUGH! – And oddly… I’m STILL sleeping under the sheet, afghan and sleeping bag. There will be NO WINTER this year! – *******************************************************************************************************************************
(1 Aug) 7.29 Over-cast this morning and the rains are trying to come. August, and my body is heavy this morning. It’s still hot and humid. And so too… my general mood. August… 9th: Oma’s birthday. 22: Mama’s death. 30th: My Curse-day. And 60 years. And nobody’s here any more. SO finished with this shit. SO finished. – I wonder what I’ll do with this day. Prime the walls at Jacquie’s? Plant more radishes? Weed? I wish I knew. I don’t know. But I do know. Just get out of this house… probably by 9.00. And just now… the yip from across the hall. GO! But to where? And how? GO! Well… I suppose I DO have an escape. Down the road. I DO have that much. But… – August… the day is over-cast, the rains are trying to come, it’s still hot and humid, and so too… my mood. – 9.42 Had a BM this morning… REDDISHPURPLE! BEETS! OH MY! – And now… heading to the garden… alone. YAY! – 22.32 In bed… at last… as the rains begin to fall. Good for the garden… bad for the “garage” since Bobo actually took the roof down today! Will wonders never cease? BUT… now comes the rain and half the upper part is exposed… and there’s ALL sorts of shit in there. Me? I guess I have to say that I’m rather “blessed” when it comes to such things. “Fate” has been kind in-so-far-as weather has co-operated with me on chores. NOT getting to and from work on a bike.. but with chores? And gardens? Yes. – So I did get to the garden this morning AND not only did I get the weeding of the squash and corn, I got to chat with the “Dickie Cooper” who… SHOCK! … chatted ever so nicely AND offered to give “me” the wood from the pine tree he’d cut down! OK, yes, it’s so he has that much less to attend to, but to offer it to ME? Of course, it’ll go to the “Friday Night Fire” and I’ll get nothing out of it. But what the actual fuck do I care? Eh? If nothing else, it’s making for wonderful gossip: *I* get along with that one! Just as Jacquie and HLS said: The least like people in town are my “friends”. Cecil… and now Dickie. Oh well then. (And I want SO much to be OUT of and AWAY from this place… not matter what!) – Well, the gardening got done and I went into the house and finished the beet salad with a cuke and the cheese and the corn pudding. Lunch. – OFF TO THE ROOM! I found a roller up-stairs and with that, it was PRIME-TIME! That primer she got is GOOD stuff! One coat really did quite nicely, although there wasn’t enough to finish ONE LAST wall! Still.. But the white on the walls makes SO much difference. Brighter! Not enough to be comfortable for me, but considerably brighter! I was JUST cleaning up when Jacquie arrived back (about 17.45 or so). She came into the room, told me that she’d bought 2 rollers, commented on the brightness now that it’s white, said that all of the panels of the ceiling will now have to be replaced and then said she had to get ready to get to church! No “thanks”… not even when I told her that the plumbing had gotten done. And… another one with the no thanks. Oh well… I know that *I* did all the work. Fuck the rest. – (falling asleep here!) As is usual for me and my life-time: Always making things better where-ever I am and “appreciation”? Nah… Fukdishit! – So anyway… “dinner” was 2 franks (Hebrew National of all things), brown rice, cucumbers and the beets. Desert was a dish of some New Hampshire brand (Brown Cow) of maple syrup yoghurt and framboises. Not bad… “healthy”, I suppose. And I left shortly after, at about 21.30. – Back at the pit, to have a smoke with HLS and now, at 22.49, my eyes are closing, of their own volition. Tired. Or… “exhausted”. I do put in a full day of work… WORK… and others seems to see it as something other than work. Others… really… of no matter or importance. It was, for me, quite the busy and productive day. The rest of them can all rot… literally. – Oh… before I forget: WHOA! Major pimple on the nose! Right where I usually get that little bump and pain on the right nostril. But this time, it came right through to the out-side! Bobo saw it and said “You’ve realy got a ‘Rudolph’ happening there.” When I came in from the painting, I went to the shower and popped it before showering. ICK! I wonder what’s happening in there. But… It’s popped and drained. A little puss and a little blood. Maybe a little cancer? Hah-hah… wouldn’t THAT just be “my life”? – Time to close eyes, ears, heart and soul on this day. – Now I lay me down to sleep and the world can shove it up their individual arses. Amen.

Sun2.Aug:
HOME (dép)
7.33 Why I am awake is anybody’s guess. But I am. Sun shining through the windows (instead of the rain as forecast) and… it’s another day in the month of August. I should… SHOULD be celebrating. I am not. And this morning’s thought: When I mentioned to Jacquie, how, this is my “worst month of the year” and why, it was completely brushed aside. Not even a word of encouragement or the likes. Brushed aside. Again. Painting a room in NYC in the 1980’s was a 200$ job. That, alone. And again, I’ve been supportive and available and compassionate… Flowers, from the front of the house. FRONT… my little bit of “pride” in life. And I’m brushed aside. Nah… I’m not in a “celebrate” sort of mood this morning. And the 10$ to attend a brunch. It’s going back. It wasn’t given as payment (nor a “thank you”) for work done. I find myself put in my place again. – I’m 60 years old… I need to work on stopping this bullshit of trying to attend everyone else’s feelings. Fukdatshit. 60 years and still with the mentality of an idiot. A “village idiot”. Feeling that I have to sneak to get food. No. I do believe it’s time to stop… before I die this way… miserable and simply taken for granted. – Now then… what to do with the day. I need to get gas into the car, to the market for food, to the dép for smokes. And I need to disappear for the afternoon when Jacquie takes Hallie to the park. Just not be around. And if I stay too close to the house, I’ll be recruited to help with the removal of the barn. I don’t want to. I just don’t want to. – How odd, as I work my “catch-up” of yesterday, filling in the little details, that I keep comparing me to Kafka. I KNOW how he felt. I KNOW, with my all. – 15.19 We live… we learn. – I put the alarm up for about 15 minutes and at 9.30 I was up and dressed and out the door! Dép for smokes and Enosburgh for gas and groceries! At last! ME! I did for ME this morning! – M. Fontaine at the frontiere, a little Anglaise at the dép, and a quick-snap for return. And I travelled at my old 60km/h and it was lovely. Even the Subaru rode along quietly. A delight. Ah… when I left (out the front door!), Bobo and the freak were in the back doing the little barn. I dodged. – Anyway… came back past the house and off to the Shell station where gas was the same price as Mobil! Oh well… But the 10$ didn’t really make much of a difference… still just below half-tanked, as it were. But a little better anyway. – Hannaford’s for franks, rolls, TWO coffees, some Little Debbies and such, back in the car and back in the pit by about noon. – I came in the back yard and their little Eric is visiting, the 3 of them sitting in the yard, how charming. – “Did you go to church?” say Bobo. “Oh yeah.” says I.. and switched the chat. Seems Dickie brought them their fire-wood and now they’re all besties. Charming. Fukkemall. I should maybe give a shit. Well… chitty-chat-chat and I came in to change my clothes. I’d intended to stay away from this pit all day (obviously, that didn’t work out well). – Out the door, weed the herb garden (for all it’s worth) and to the garden next door. – Dickie was all chitty-chat-chat today too! HAD to tell me about the wood! I told him I’d heard about it as soon as I returned from my errands. He mentioned something about Jacquie and the garden and said that he thought she’d gotten me to go to church, then made little inuendos about “me and her” and such. Honestly! These people are shit-bags. So I made it abundantly clear… I’m NOT staying in this town… I do NOT LIKE this town… I do NOT like the people in this town and I AM going back to NY! Now… let THAT get round about the rumour mill! FUCK these in-breeds… ALL of them and ALL to HELL! Honestly… today I’ve NO patience! And things are NOT getting better with my mood. So then, I got introduced to Mrs. Dickei (Darlene… HLS’s cousin) and she and I chatted a bit. – Jacquie returned and I helped her un-load the truck and told her that I needed to come back to clean the room before too much was said AND I mentioned how it’s being taken for granted that I’m over there when I’m not at the pit and that it causing some ill feelings. WELL!!! In the line of “Live and Learn”… SHE insisted that I join her and Hallie at the lake for a swim! “Oh tell them you’ll clean the room on Wednesday.” says she. No… says I… and again… “Tell them you’ll clean the room on Wednesday.” No… again… says I. THEN… “Will you be finished by 6:00?” Dinner up to Karey and Jeff’s! I don’t know… but if you drive by the house, give a toot on the horn or if you walk by, give a call up. I’ll be by the window. (Come to find out, she stopped at the pit en route to her house after church today! They told her I was over at her place.) – Well… it’s been quite the day! And I managed to tell her what HLS said last evening when she dropped by, and the dogs barked: “Oh, give the dog a biscuit and get it the fuck off the porch!”. No… I’ve no more mood, patience nor time for this bullshit. And to actually hear MY needs ignored and dismissed! – I’ve not been in a good mood all day. As I drove round this morning, the thoughts: I’m certain now that I’ll never have that house, nor the great job, peace, quiet, serenity, a place to escape the bull-shit of the world. I’m NOT happy about that. And I need to stop keeping shit to myself. And so… that’s what’s beginning here now. – And now, at 15.43, I need a tiny nap – 18.11 And just in from a smoke after a nice shower after a rather lengthy “nap”. I was SO tired suddenly… Depression. And, it being after 18.00 and dinner at Karey and Jeff’s was scheduled for 18.00… I DO believe I’ve dodged that little fiasco. Not that I don’t like either of them.. but I’d simply rather not. – The little “crew” with their Eric was out back when I got there. He’s got a bachelor’s in some kind of “preacher-hood”. Actually, he does look the part. But… – AND… I GOT TO SEE TWO HUMMINGBIRDS AT THE FEEDER! I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT! CUTE LITTLE THINGS. – Well, it would seem that Eric is no departing which means… hopefully they’ll all settle down-stairs and then get off to bed or what-ever. Just please leave me the actualy fuck alone. – I’m trying to decide what to have for “meal”. I’ve got the franks but not the mood and I’ve got the appetite but not the mood. Hell, I even have a little bottle of vinaigrette for the lettuce and spinach (and tomatoes if they ever come)! But I don’t have the mood to eat. Maybe in about 13 minutes (when it’s 18.30) and I can be reasonably certain that there won’t be a knock on the door or a ring on the bell or a call from the street. Really… I just don’t feel all “visity” this evening and look forward to just sitting and doing nothing and NOT having to be “presentable”. – 18.32 Welllll…. Jacquie DID come. SHe didn’t knock nor ring the bell, She did, how-ever, call from the street. But the dogs here saw and started barking so the freak went to the door to check and came to get me. And well….. PERFECTLY… SOMEBODY SLAMMED THE FRON T DOOR SHUT WHILST WE WERE TALKING ON THE SIDE-WALK! Jacquie asked “Was that the dogs?” and I said “No… It’s just not ‘good’ in there.” “Did you get your room cleaned?” “Oh yes… and packed.” She laughed. “No, no. Packed. In boxes, In bags. 10 minutes. Out the window, into the car and gone.” “Well… you have a bed. Never feel that you’re Homeless.” she said. But she asked if I’d be over tomorrow morning. So I said I would be. I’ve no idea what she’s got planned… but… We left it at: One day at a time… this too, shall pass. ‘So now there’s something for the 3 of them to chat about over dinner tonight. Tell me I’m a “dick”? Indeed… and since Karey and Jeff know Val and Carly… this should be most interesting. – Now… I wonder what I should eat tonight.

Mon.3.Aug: 2.07 bed. Lights out… MUCH MUCH MUCH later than I’d like. But finally, tired enough. –
7.20 DREAM: I got a new job. No experience. I had to swim out an tow steam ships when they came into harbour, grab a tow-line and guide these huge container or steam ships in, via canals. The canals alternated between paved streets so there was a street, a canal, a street, a canal. It was always rather dark. Not quite night, because I could always see where I was and where I had to go, but it was “almost night”. Still, the streets and canals were lit by some kind of lights. I had no experience and my “boss” hired me because they, the “hiring” people said that they were willing to take a chance on me, take the chance that I’d learn quickly. – One ship, in particular, was my responsibility, my sole and major responsibility, although I was there to help any and every ship coming in, even though each ship was assigned a certain and particular fellow to tow it in. I’d towed about 2 or 3 successfully already. The job wasn’t all that bad and I enjoyed the swimming part. The ships were rather easy to tow too. Even full of cargo, I could steer them through the waters and get them into their respective docks. I learnt which ship went where since each ship had an assigned dock. – My ship came in from a voyage and I saw it, swam through the canal to meet it and to get the tow-line, but it some-how evaded me, came in through a canal other than the one it was scheduled to come in by. I swam along with it and “lost” it in the canals when it went into a dock not assigned to it. I swam about, looking for it and when I finally found it, swam up to it. There were people about, and on board. Men, women and children. The crew. They were all sad and concerned and watching, quietly. A platform lowered toward the water at dock-side, and on it was a body, wrapped in sheets and blankets. Somebody had died on-board. The atmosphere was ever so solemn. Suddenly, as everybody watched in silence, there was the sound of something dropping into the water. Canvas flags, with images of people and lettering of some kind, dropped into the dark waters. The people on-board made a surprised gasp, and then went silent again, looking even more saddened. Some fellows swam to get a flag or two. I looked at them and wondered if I should get one for my own, but didn’t dare. Something “told” me that it was bad luck to take them. So I let them float about in the water, and I watched as the body was lowered to the water on the platform, and I understood that it would be rolled off and into the waters, in spite of the fact that some of the people wanted the fellow there brought to hospital, or buried on land. – I came out of the water and sat on the pavement. It was all under some road-way (like the old FDR and Westside Highway in NYC). I sat, thinking that I didn’t know the job and that it seemed rather odd that I could, if I were the type, get away with being paid for a day’s work and actually doing nothing and nobody would ever be the wiser for it. Each of us “towers” were independent, no supervision, we were simply sent out and trusted. And obviously, it didn’t matter whether or not we actually towed our ship in. The ships made it fine with-out us. I was annoyed, thinking that I wanted a job with more “security”. “I can’t do this all the time and I can’t do this much longer.” I thought. – As I sat there, at the edge of the canal, an older fellow came over to me. He’d held the job for many years and retired. – He reached into the water and pulled up 3 bluish-green glass things that actually looked like small breasts. They were breathing apparatuses of some kind. One was stained from algae and the other 2 were quite clean. They looked like “sea glass”. We squatted at the side of the canal and he spoke to me, quietly. I told him that I felt uncomfortable in the job, not knowing anything about it, functioning on my wit, primarily. And he said, calmly: “Pray to what-ever god their religion has, hang on to these, always keep two, get yourself a ‘puffer’ not a ‘blower’.” I understood the last two had something to do with breathing and being rescued or kept from drowning. I answered “There’s so very much I have to learn about this job. So very, very much. And with help, I will.” There were other “towers” around me and I said this, knowing that they could hear me and hoping that they’d know that I didn’t feel “above” or “more important” than anybody else. – The older fellow left and I got up and began walking through the crowds. It was more like a market now, or, resembled the old Fulton Fish Market/Pier 17 before it became “chic”. – Two guys came out, dressed in parkas. I knew them some-how. They worked for the same company and had done for many years. Younger than I though. They brought me over to a wall that was heavily painted with many base colours, graffiti of sorts but intentionally painted almost “impressionistic”, contemporary “artsy”. There was a little “clock” on the out-side of the wall and one fellow opened a panel. Pointing to the clock he said “This was this morning’s temperature when we arrived. And this” (as he opened the panel on the wall, revealing a thermometre of some sort) is the temperature now. There’s a bit difference. And the difference is going to get to be more soon.” – I woke.
8.10 Well, the laundry is on the line. T-shirts and socks for the most part. It’s a perfect morning to do the bed-linens but since the shirts are done and on the line, and the freak was awake when I did those, I won’t run the machine again. – 60… it hangs round my neck like a noose. As I had my smoke this morning I thought of how nice it would be to be able to have a “Shelter” for the Homeless, where the Homeless could be treated more humanely than I ever was when I was Homeless. And then… the reality SLAMMED into me: It’s too late to be thinking that sort of shit. It’s time to start seriously thinking about the end. – 60… it hangs round my neck like a noose… and it’s tightening. – I ate yesterday… 2 franks, cold, on rolls… and entirely TOO much of those Little Debbies and the Tang. TOO much sugar. I woke this morning, feeling rather dragged-along. But the sun is shining, the humidity is relatively low. And there’s a WONDERFUL wind blowing. The freak says the precipitation probability is 60%. We shall see what comes along. I just hope that the wash is dry in about an hour. Nothing much that I can think that is to be done… nothing much that I even care to do. But just in case… you know… – I could use a thought on where to put that rose rugosa from in front of Jacquie’s. I COULD transplant many of the lilies she wants to get rid of. There ARE things that COULD be done. If the weather is to be conducive, maybe I’ll do all that transplanting today… if there’s to be rain for the next several days. We shall see. – Meanwhile… I wait for the time when there should be some word from the PO. I dread… absolutely DREAD the possibilities of… I won’t say. – Ah… to wait. – This lap-top is fucking about with all sorts of shit with the key-board and running amok with the cursor and shit. Annoying. August. – 60… a noose. – 11.54 No word from the PO… no news is good news I’ll say. The laundry is almost dry and the sky is clouding over. A rather wasted morning and I don’t give a shit about that. I checked the NY postings for the PO… nothing in the area. I’ll keep hoping. Meanwhile… I think I’ll get me dressed and head out the doors to see what I can do with the afternoon since it look like rain… – 23.30 SHOWERED AT LAST! Jacquie came to the house and called up at about 20.30 or so and invited me over to dinner. So I went. Hey! Food? I’ll go. I was doing fesses-book on my account when she got here. I’d already had my 2 franks on rolls but more food is more food. Chicken on bread with St-Hubert BB gravy. And crook-neck squash which was quite delish… salad from the garden (that rabbit’s getting the best of it though… I have to work on that tomorrow!!!! MY FOOD!) and desert: maple yoghurt, bluets and framboises with a bit more maple syrup. So… not shoddy at all. But it brought me back to the house rather later than I’d hoped to be in bed by. – As for the day… aside from the late start… I got my t-shirts and such washed this morning and at about noon, I headed out to the back barn where I sat, dozing off, for about an hour whilst I tried to decide what I was going to do… and NOT go over to Jacquie’s today. Dozing… I sat in that rocker and it wasn’t so much “tired” as it was delighting in just dozing and being that “awake sleeping” where the dream-world kicked in. I very much could have stayed there like that for the whole day… escaped as it was. But then, I did a bit of weeding in the “herb” garden and planted some radishes where one of the herbs isn’t growing. From there, I worked with the hops on the back of the barn and cleaned that little “garden” out. Came in for “meal: round about 16.20 or so and… AFTER eating, brought Dixie out on the extra lead and I worked round the base of the mail box. I cleaned out the little rose bush shoots, dug down about 10cm… laid black plastic, covered with boards from the wood pile (from the “garage”) and covered it all with mulch from next door. Neat. I told Bobo and he liked the idea that he’d not have to clean that area with the “Weed-whacker”. As I say… I’m trying for “No Maintenance”. Not that it’ll help anything at all. If I leave by this Winter… the place will look like shit again come Summer. I don’t care. Oh… and I had to stake the hollyhock out-side my window. The freak announced that it had been blown over by the wind “But I wasn’t sure if it would survive and I don’t know how to put it back up so I left it there.” Arse. But it’s up and supported. Hopefully no damage done. – And I did something today, after planning nothing and hoping for same. And, I’ve eaten… TWICE. Now… to figure out how to get smokes. I’m down to half the pack. They’re not going to last until Thursday evening so, there’s a trip to Richford coming. – OH! E-MAIL FROM DAN: I’VE NOT BEEN CHOSEN FOR THE JOB IN HIGHGATE SPRINGS!!! Nothing about “disqualified”… just “not chosen”. So, that’s not too bad. I checked and I’m still on the “Hiring List” for Sheldon. THIS should be interesting. And I’m ready to go after the both Qunts if need be! NOT taking THAT shit lightly! NOT at all! Off to find an attorney! There MUST be one out there! – And I’ve had a smoke with HLS. *I FED THE DOGS TONIGHT” because the freak was already in bed when I left to go to Jacquie’s and it told me that they hadn’t been fed. – Next place of residence: no kids, no pet, no shit. – And now… a quick browse on the soc.med. and to SLEEP… I hope. – The fan is on, it’s warm in the room, and humid tonight. Although, the night is getting “that chill” to it. I spent the afternoon on the bench in the back, singing Gospel… I HATE this month!

Tue.4.Aug: 6.53 Awake… bed linens in the wash. A bit over-cast. ANXIETIES! GOTTA GO! And what do I do IF the news from the PO is bad? ANXIETIES! Another day in this month… of HORROR and TERROR! Another day… BDM. – And there we have the opening of another a-cursed day. – 21.12 IN BED. CLEAN LINENS! CLEAN ME! And a rather productive day, all told. I didn’t get out of here until after 10.00 and didn’t arrive at Jacquie’s until almost 10.30. But I got the bed linens washed and no sooner on the line and it looked like rain. So I brought them in, put the t-shirts and such in the dryer for a bit and then, got me into jeans and clean shirt and went over to what was SUPPOSED to be a morning on the computer… But of course, as is “usual” for me… the computer work was all of 10 minutes… THEN it was moving the two canoes from the back yard to the porch, one on the North side and the other on the South side! Jacquie helped with the one on the North side… and I came back to the room, changed into the camos and went back and put the other one on the South porch… SOLO! Just to get it done and not have to hear about it (as I usually do). – Brunch of scrambled eggs, bacon (yes), bluets pancakes and cukes. (The cukes were ready for picking so we HAD to have.) Oh! HLS’s “icicle” radishes have begun being ready, and so some of them got plucked and brought over to the house. (I was told later that they’re delicious. They’re HOT! I tried one… TOO hot for my taste. But there they are. Of course, there’s no “thanks” for planting, growing, harvesting and delivering, but… Karma will attend.) – And so, with the work done, Jacquie went to baking a pie (and made me a “tart”… peach, framboises and almond flavouring. Quite delish. Half of the tart is still on the table over there… for tomorrow I suppose. I had half and didn’t bother to get the other half to bring to the pit). When the baking was done, she was off and running. Tah-dah. – She left and I came back to the pit to get the garden trolley and the spade and I went over to the “Hana rd.” side of the house to get… LILIES! BUNDLES of them! They are now in front of the barn on either corner AND behind the bench AND 3 groups along the front of the “bench garden”. They’re really very pretty… I don’t give a shit what anybody else says. Jacquie wanted them gone… some of them are now gone. And I DO say that they add a delightful bit of colour to the back yard. And where the bench garden is concerned.. they’ll spread and fill in the area nicely… next year… when I’m gone. – (Speaking of which… I’m still on the “Hiring List” for Sheldon and my insides are wrenching. I still expect the Qunt to try to pull me out of the running. If so… BDM and a note with her name and contact info on it.) – Moving along… which I did… it must have been about 18.00 or so when I went back to the house and started “cleaning up” the mess of pots and potting stuff at the green-house. Kailah/Kailoh came out to “help” (and she did too) with the little Patrick who was a royal pain in the arse as it is. But we got the yard looking a bit nicer, we both say so! – That done, it was about 19.30 or so and me… I needed SMOKES! SO… into the car, filthy as I was (I amaze me of late… not cleaning before travelling… just sweat and dirt and such and gone! I don’t give a shit any more… not even a trace of a shit), into the car and off to Mayhew’s! The bloody Richford rd. is closed so the detour took me up the Pleasant View to the Berry and down the back way into town. At the store, there’s a new gal working. I grabbed 2 “Teas”, 2 choco pies and asked for 2 packs of smokes… all went well until… the FS card. She was SO SWEET THOUGH! REALLY SWEET! She said that she knew Brenda would run it through but she was told not to. Then she asked “Are you from town?” and I said that I was, from the house that used to be blue and is now green. She commented on how nice the blue was and the green isn’t as nice. I said that I agreed and suddenly she let it go through and told me not to tell. (As if I would do such a thing!) I left there feeling SO SO SO GREAT! RICHFORD! LUV IT! – Took the 105 into Enosburgh though and… THE BLOODY FUCKING PLEASANT VIEW DIRT RD FUCKED MY BEARING IN THE FRONT DRIVER’S SIDE!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK! ALWAYS SOMETHING. It’s not HORRIFIC! But it’s squeaking! Oh… – Then, on the Birkshire Ctr. rd? A fucking traffic light! For just a “pop” but I had to stop! I was trying to zoom along this evening. And the gas consumption on the car? That 10$ I just put in? 2 trips and it’s GONE! WTF? – But… I have to say: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL EVENING AND DRIVE! Windows open, the slightest coolness to the air, no radio or music but just wonderful! I wish the car was in more reliable condition (and that I had the money for the necessary gas). – Still… I suppose if I DID have all that… I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now… I’d be off to HOME… for the final trip. – No Jacquie at the house when I arrived there. So I came to the pit via the garden. The little solar lite is on by the bench. It looks SO nice back there! (I’ve been toying with the notion of going back for a smoke… but I’m in “bed clothes” so…). The lilies are doing well after their trauma of transplanting today. – HLS is sacked out on the reliner in the parlour, Bobo is on the bed playing with the cell and TV on, and the freak is laying in bed fucking with its cell. – NOTE: When I came into the pit this evening, to get a drink of water and such (fill my bottles and empty the pee-bottles, more like it), they were all seated at table with a HUGE casserole of some sort. I joked “I hope there’s zucchini in there.” and was told that there certainly was. It looked like a rice-thing with red sauce or something… baked. Anyway, HLS asked if I’d like some!!!!! Well FUUUUUCK ME! indeed! Of course, I declined. The very notion of sitting and eating in the company of that fucking fruit cake freak truly and actually literally does sicken me. But… may they enjoy… for now. (Hello? Is that Karma? Listen… about this place….) – So I returned from Richford, came in through the back door, up the stairs and into the SHOWER! That done, made the bed, put on the fan, opened a Tea and here I am… 21.42, relaxing (as much as I do these days). – Now… a bit of browsing the soc.med. Perhaps a final smoke an to bed… hopefully to sleep. Tomorrow, I’d like to get more lilies for the bench garden, put the canoe on-line for sale and… we’ll see what the rest of the day brings. There’s supposed to be rain… but it hasn’t happened. I could certainly use some for the lilies. Oh… and there’s beets and lettuce that needs harvesting. So there. An “agenda”. – 24.17 Time to try for sleep! I’m not in the mood to sleep but I really must. – Checked the “voice” account. Jacquie rang about 21.04 to say “Thank you”! AND… FS rang… my mail is being returned. – I’m out of noshes and so, I suppose, it’s time to get to sleep. I didn’t have a dinner this evening and it’s too late to go digging into franks. Tomorrow… amidst painting the room to finish the primer, have to ring FS and make excuses. I actually could do that from Jacquie’s I suppose. I’ll ponder. – COOL in the room this evening. 17° out there. And not a star to be seen in the sky. O well… let it RAIN! My flowers need!

Wed.5.Aug: 8.07 !!! THE DAMNED PHONE WENT TO “SILENT” AND I’M JUST WAKING UP! Up from a smoke. AND THE ANXIETY LEVEL THIS MORNING IS ALMOST INSANE! Reminding me of the closing comments on an episode of CIS or some program:
In times of horrific horror, we shouldn’t ask why some people fall apart, rather, we should ask why some don’t.
WHY? WHY AM I STILL BREATHING? WHY AM I STILL HERE? WHY AM I STILL ALIVE?
Morning… another day. Things to do. Prime that last wall at Jacquie’s. Perhaps transplant more lilies. Yesterday’s are looking a little “not too happy” but not completely “gone”… yet. Yes, there are things to be done. AVOIDANCE. – And a DREAM.
I don’t recall the entire dream but the gist was… MY TEETH FELL OUT! ALMOST ALL OF THEM. What does THAT mean? Teeth falling out means “death of some-one close to me, so goes the Italian superstition. DEATH… of what or whom? Why not ME?
And so, it really is a bit too early to get out there and start mucking about. But soon… I NEED to be doing something. Why? Because that’s how I am. All these “doings”… and I have NO intention of seeing them “settled”. – Ah… Jacquie said “You have a bed. You won’t be Homeless, so don’t feel that you’ll be Homeless.” But that’s not the point. And that room… is an instant sinus infection… and another dog… a child… I’ve really got to get my shit together and get “OUT”! And there’s the bearing in the car. The gas leak. The car. I’ve GOT to get serious about getting AWAY. The anxieties are too… TOO MUCH! – 10.47 It rained. IT POURED! And now? It’s time to get the show on the road. Off to paint a wall… harvest a crop or something… to “DO”! My anxiety level is pounding through my skull. – 17.11 Just finished my 3 franks on mouldy roll but have to comment here:
Brought about 5 more bundles of lilies over, filled in in front of the barn and back at the bench. When I came in, HLS and the freak were in the kitchen and when I said I’d planted flowers, HLS had NO idea they’d been done even yesterday. Fuktardz. Gets better. When I told him where the lilies had come from he says: “Tell her we want the dark yellow ones!” What a fucking retard! Totally and completely! Méchant!
ANYWAY… so I go the lilies in, along the front of the little garden and put 2 more in the back because, well, I had them and because it DOES fill it it nicely. I also got another bunch in the front of the barn to fill in the empty space. Looking nice! All the planting done, I grabbed my little “lawn chair” and had a sit out in the shade and had a smoke and no sooner had I settled into the chair… A HUMMIIE-BIRD CAME TO THE LILIES! SO cute! SO re-assuring! I HAD to smile. It was as if it was an “approval”. Well… hopefully they’ll take well to their new location and will stay in bloom at least through the week-end. It rained on and off all day (at one point, I almost got pounded with it as it came across from the West. I had to RUN to get to the barn and out of the deluge) but not enough, really, to make a soak in the soil. (No complaints… I wasn’t looking forward to digging lilies out of the mud.) But that little bird made all the difference in the world. – And too, the last coat of primer is on the wall in that room at Jacquie’s. Next line of biz: paint. I rather dread that because she wants the room a rather dark beige. It needs WHITE! But it’s none of my business. Her house, her room, her paint, her biz. But at least the primer is done… I DO believe I’ve worked my 200$ from her… and then some. Better to have over-worked than under… not that people won’t bitch anyway. But… – So that said and done… – 20.30 Just getting back in. I went over to the garden to see what needed harvesting and got 2 zucchini and 2 cukes. I left one zucchini in the kitchen at the house and brought one back. Had chatted with Kailah and Michael for a bit whilst over there. They’re rather “friendly” and I wonder why. But that’s just me. – It’s been an entire day with ‘no Jacquie’. I hope she’s having a great time at what-ever… I think today she was supposed to be visiting with her daughter. I hope all goes well for her and this one. – I’m just waiting at the moment to shower. Waiting for Bobo to get to bed (I’m so fucking considerate). The freak said he’ll be taking one tonight again too. So I wait. I can’t get to bed with-out one tonight though… clean linens and such. – HLS has been in a foul mood. Fucked the phone again today. Honestly… they have to have “the best” only to bitch and fuck the shit up. I can’t take any more of the immaturity of these shits here. But, not my monkeys… indeed. – There’s noodles to be had for dinner as well as the franks and I’m hungry so I had the one zucchini with the vinaigrette that I’d gotten at Hannaford’s. Should be interesting to see what eating raw squash does, but I’m certain it goes into a salad of some kind anyway. It wasn’t half bad at all. I should have cut it up and poured the dressing on but… oh well… but… – 22.57 Showered, hungry and not using anything on the face tonight to see how it is in the morning. Wrinkled, no doubt, but I don’t want to use what I have up before I know I can get more. Oh… it’s SO time to check out. But tomorrow morning, I want to weed the front yard and make it look nice. I’m to understand that the fellows from the NEK will be back on the week-end… Surely, they’ll be told “See what I’ve done with the gardens.” and not “See what HE’s done with the gardens.” But you know what? Karma… They don’t appreciate anything that’s been done for them. They’ve not had to maintain the grounds since I arrived. They have their fucking barn back. I cleaned it all out… its gone back to a mess. Not my monkeys. The wanted their flower-bed out front again… it’s really snapping up nicely… Not my circus. And I always think: I don’t eat their food nor drink their booze, I don’t make noise, I don’t ‘hang about’ and there’s seldom been a day when I didn’t do something FOR their BENEFIT I’ll just never forget those postings to the fesses-book by Bobo: “WE” did the gardening in memory of Daisy. WE did it. Piece of shit dirt bag. Alas and oh well… Just think: When I’m gone… Karma will come along and attend the flowers… – Well… I was going to have a Tea but I don’t think I shall. I’m just up from a smoke with HLS (pre-shower) and BEFORE I FORGET TO MENTION: WHEN WE CAME IN FROM THE SMOKE, THE COW CAME INTO THE HOUSE AND ACTUALLY SLAMMED THE KITCHEN DOOR CLOSED… AND I WAS STILL OUT ON THE PORCH As I say I say again: Karma.

Thu.6.Aug: 7.52 And… the alarm sounded at 6.00 this morning, pissed me off (I miss my little phone from the Shelter days) and I dozed. – There’s a cloud-covering to the East, blocking the sun this morning. But there’s a flower-bed that needs weeding. Jacquie will be at work for the next 3 days and there’s a room that could take a coat of paint. Not to mention, I want to wash that floor and hope it takes some stench out. I cold wash it, keep the door open. I don’t know why I’m so bent on getting that room “clean”. I’ve got a feeling there’s something in this that I’m about to need. And I’m not thrilled. But… we shall see. We shall, indeed, no doubt. Oh well. On with yet another day. Another day. – 22.40 In bed and SHOWERED! – Got the front flower-bed weeded and cleaned and mowed the “trim” today. Jacquie’s this morning was… well… disorganised. A bit of touch-up painting in the loo and that pretty much covered it. I don’t know why, exactly, but my mood was “quick annoy”. I’ve got that head-ache again, left side. Stiff neck and such. It’ gets me down. But truly, it was fine. – I left her at about noon and came to the pit to weed the front and such. Was just finishing when Bobo came in from work and got to the rest of the roof of the “garage”. It’s now gone. When it rains, it’s going to be horrible on the back porch. Ah… the three of them were standing in the back yard and when I walked out from washing my hands, HLS says “Do you think we can find that colour (on the house) in a spray so that we can spray it in spots to match the rest of the house?” Right. I joked with Bobo and said “See what you started?” He told HLS “It adds character.” and HLS had a common fit, wanting the whole house to match across. So… as we see… it’s ingratitude across the spectrum. Fucking shits, the lot of them. – OH! NOTE! Some woman came by as I was weeding out front and complimented me on the flowers! Asked about the lilies and complimented me on the whole front yard and flowers! COMPLIMENT! WOW! – So… having finished with the “work”, I came in to have 2 franks on the last nasty, sticky, mouldy roll. Played a bit with m’Dixie in the yard and then went over to Jacquie’s. She didn’t go to work today BUT… when I got there… she fixed dinner for us! 1,5 franks, mac’n’cheese (box mix) and mixed veggies… Coffee Crisp ice cream after. – After… then it turned “interesting”? She decided to take Halle (Hallie) for a walk and we strolled round to her house on the Square rd. to have a look-see. Well… they’re on the SECOND of the 30yd dumpsters (at 980$ each) and need a THIRD! That house was a complete write-off, for most people. But… as it turned out, we went round to look. The garage is CLEAN! AMAZING! BUT… AS WE WERE LEAVING, a dark green, old Subaru station waggon pulled up in front and a guy and 2 women, hillbilly-looking, got out and simply strolled toward the house! Jacquie picked up here pace and we left but en route to the house, she decided to call the state police… just in case the tresspassers tried to set the house a-fire. SO… THE EVENING EVENTS BEGAN! We got into the truck and went back. She talked with the next-door neighbours whilst I loaded a couple of pallets and a table into the truck, all the while expecting the police to arrive and try to arrest ME (as would be my fortune in this state…). The people in the station waggon seemed to know that the garage was un-locked and such and as the neighbour said, they walked in, and walked back out with a wind chime, walked around the house and left. (Oh… Jacquie and I rode over because Jacquie had seen the waggon drive by the house.) Well, all was fine and settled and we headed back to the house. Not moments later, the phone: the neighbour… the police were at the house! So… back into the truck and back to the house to talk with the nice cops… TWO, in TWO cars! WOW! They were IN the house when we arrived. Flash-lights going. But when we talked, even the cop said that burning the house would be a best bet. I don’t think Jacquie heard because she didn’t comment. But we all chatted and left. – End of excitement… by about 21.30! – I stayed a bit longer, whilst Jacquie made a pie and un-wound a bit. Left at about 22.00. Jacquie’s last words: “If they lock you out again, c’mon back and knock on the door.” (Earlier she told me that the whole town knows that I’m the one doing all the work to maintain the property here. “Don’t you think they don’t know.” she told me. GOOD! I need to leave and let it revert now.) – So I wasn’t latched-out tonight. HLS is tossing on the bed. Bobo is probably asleep. The freak is toying with its cell phone. Me? Choco brownie and a Tea! – Tomorrow, hopefully, smokes and another Tea? I hope! – Right now, time to wrap it all up. Tomorrow I’ll need to make a little wash. Nothing on the agenda… ca ce peut tu? Evening trip to Richford I hope. And that’s that until the “company” arrives. And hopefully the weather will be good and they can all sit round the fire (again) on Saturday. Fukkem. – I’m tired. One more ‘moke and a bit of browsing and … I HAVE TO PHONE FS! – OK… I can actually do that from Jacquie’s! Wow. –

Fri.7.Aug: 1.42 lights out and good luck with that 6.00 alarm. – 7.28 HLS is on the recliner, awake. I was hoping to get some wash done this morning. Best I can hope for is a “retirement to the bed-room” at some point this morning. – And my anxiety level is SOARING this morning! My stomach is “off”. Flatulence, churning. Head-ache. Just miserable. A trip to Richford and Enosburgh. Not much gas in the car with the bad bearing. Anxiety. Why? (Stop asking! It simply IS.) Sun is shining. And the barn thermo reads 50°F. Heavy dew on grass too tall to mow. Anxiety this morning. SOARING! – 9.36 Since I still can’t get to the wash, it seems my day is out of whack. There are things I suppose I could do, but my brain won’t re-org to settle on them. There’s not all that much that could use a wash, and nothing that actually puts the world askew. But the brain just won’t get things together. I thought I’d go back to sleep for a while… but obviously, that’s not happened. The morning’s been one trip through the fesses-book. The room needs tidying. I don’t want to bother. The lawn needs mowing but the grass is too high to use the reel. And… I don’t want to. My anxiety level is still at a high. Thoughts of the trip into Richford and Enosburgh are just taunting. And the business of the mail, not being able to receive any… is horrific. Little things, really, just crashing about in my head. Crashing. And the sun is shining, it’s a mild day. I could be “doing”… I don’t want to. – 11.32 Well… Penelope is finally back with her husband and sons. 15 July… The notice was published on the RAA fesses-book page and I only just noticed it today. Good for her. All those years of keeping that house in the same way it was… and now she can be with them… if that’s what happens at all. I posted a poetic remark on the page. I never hated her. But I did see a comment from somebody else that rang familiar. Enjoying her company and spending a lot of time together out in T6 and 7. It wasn’t Thomas either. So at least she had a “friend” aside from the both of us. Still, I’ll always remember my first Winter out there in Tilden… and Penelope and I alone, as the winds howled and the snows drifted. Good days indeed… VERY good days… indeed. Penelope? I pray that you rest, in peace and joy, and that there IS some truth to the superstition and that you ARE joined with your family. – Time to get dressed and move along. I guess I’ll go get Halle. – 15.55 Came back to the pit with cleaned beets, radishes, 3 cukes and a zucchini. Not thanks of course. But when I got up to the room I was SO TIRED it was painful! Napped, half-awake, for about an hour. Got the floor swept here. Having a coffee. The three of them left when Bobo got in from work. I’m alone… at last. Oh well… – Need to get to Richford and will hope… that the car makes it, I don’t use all the gas and that I can get what I need when I arrive. – Oh… PSE wanted in Plattsburgh! If only I could be certain that the car would make the commute until I got enough money together to get the fuck out. Oh… who knows? I might be forced into taking the space at Jacquie’s for a while and then going back to NY. I hope not! But we shall see. – And I’m starting to feel the “Camels”… clots of shit in my sinuses! Most of the reason I half-slept in my “nap”: kept clogging my breathing. Clots settling in the back of my throat. These shit-stix just aren’t good for a person. Typical “American” bullshit. – 19.43 BACK FROM RICHFORD WITH FOOD AND SMOKES AND IT WAS A DELIGHTFUL DRIVE… took the Berkshire Ctr. rd. to the 105 and BINGO-ZIPPO! And of course, a day with a visit with Brenda just turns everything so quite nice. There’s a group that hangs across from the store with a few “questionables”. But still… I miss Richford. I wonder, often, what ever happened to Silas. Middlebury? I guess, if so, that’s far enough “North” for him. Richford was just too much for him. Understandable. But me? I’d like to get back. One day… one way… or another. – Well… cold “Gattuso” noodles this evening. I’m hungry. There’s food at Jacquie’s. I could go over there and have hot food or the salmon-pasta salad. But here I am… and too tired, honestly. The radio is on, the noodles are soaking and HLS and Bobo are playing with the car… new electronics. – The lawn is mowed. The flower-beds are perfect. It’s amazing. Truly. Nothing to be done out there at “the pit”. I’m feeling quite “accomplished”, especially looking at the yard… WOW! Really nice! (Gratitude? Now there’s something to laugh at.) – And the car is bloowing “Delilah”! NYC. Nakomis. And now friggin-fuckin-Franlkin! I want to see if I can’t find “kol ha Shalom” on-line now. (I wish I had more than 2 Teas.) –

24.00 BEFORE I FORGET TO NOTE:
EARLIER THIS EVENING I WAS (ACCIDENTALLY) CHATTING WITH THE FREAK WHO TOLD ME THAT THE NEW POLICY AT THE STORE IS 5$ MINIMUM ON ALL CARD PURCHASES. SO HE TOLD DEB THAT IT MADE IT DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ON DISABILITY AND WHO HAVE THEIR PAYMENTS POSTED TO A CARD. WELL… DEB CAME BACK AND TOLD HIM “WELL HOW DIFFICULT DO YOU THINK IT IS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE WORKING SO THAT YOU CAN GET YOUR DISABILITY?” WELL ALRIGHT DEB! I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT SHE’D HAVE IT IN HER! BUT HOW ODD… WHEN THE FREAK YELLED AT ME THAT I SHOULD GO BACK TO THE SHELTER IN NYC BECAUSE I DON’T “CONTRIBUTE SHIT” TO THE HOUSE-HOLD AND I TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO RESEPCT ME BECAUSE I WORK AND PAY TAXES SO HE CAN COLLECT HIS 700$/MONTH FOR DOING NOTHING… NOW IT COMES AT HIM AGAIN, ONLY FROM A DIFFERENT SOURCE!
AND, I ADD:
DURING THIS SAME “CHAT” THE FREAK MENTIONED THAT THE YARD HAD BEEN MOWED. “DID YOU NOTICE?” SAYS THE SHIT. “DID *YOU* NOTICE THAT THE REST OF IT WAS MOWED AS WELL?” NO, IT HADN’T. “HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE THE PICNIC TABLE GOT PUT BACK?” THE SHIT-BAG DIDN’T NOTICE THAT EITHER. THESE SHIT-BAGS ARE MAKING ME PHYSICALLY ILL.
AND I’LL ADD:
HAVING THE SMOKE JUST NOW WITH HLS, THE ZUCCHINI WAS MENTIONED AND THAT THEY COULD USE MORE… “RANDY SAYS HE FOUND MORE RECIPES FOR WHEN YOU BRING MORE OVER”. SO I RATHER SNAPPED THE *HE* SHOULD GO OVER AND GET SOME IF HE WANTS MORE… THAT’S WHAT WAS SAID WHEN IT WAS PLANTED! AND I POINTED OUT THAT JACQUIE MENTIONED THAT *I’D* TILLED AND SOWN AND TENDED PRETTY MUCH ALONE. WELL, OF COURSE, THE “WORK” PART DIDN’T REGISTER AT ALL. BUT I WONDER IF THE REAPING PART DID. IF SO, THE FREAK’S GOING TO HAVE TO ASK WHERE THE CROPS ARE BECAUSE I DOUBT IT HAS ENOUGH SENSE TO KNOW.

– I wish I could know that the car would last through the commute to Plattsburgh these days because I’d most certainly go for the spot that open now. But at present, I’ll have to get to work closer, put the money into the car to get it up to snuff and then head across the lake. In the mean-time… it gives me the opportunity to “return favours” of all the shit that’s been spoken about me. But, for me, MY side won’t be with strangers from “out of town”. MY side will be with the town. And indeed… some has already been started, and more now will follow, especially with the insight of this evening. And for me to spend 5$ on my FS at the store is an easy. – Karma might not be quick… but it IS rather amazing… and thorough. I’m feeling a bit better about all of this bull-shit already. – Oh… and I’m to understand that HLS was trying to pawn-off Ellie on one of the young women who works at the store… Well… THAT’S not going to happen when she learns the truth about poor little Ellie and her bladder. bowel and gland troubles… not to mention the howling which, no doubt will be constant if she should be relocated. The gal said that Ellie would probably try to get back to the house, since they live round the corner and HLS said “Oh… you’ll have to keep her on a leash.” Yeah… right. Not whilst yours truly is about. – And so now, I get to settle in on this cool evening, with my Tea (only one) and catch up with this, a tad more browsing and then off to sleep I hope. There’s not much to be done at Jacquie’s since the big job is the painting and she has the paint. But there are roses to be dug and such.
ADDENDUM!!!! HLS TELLS ME THAT HE NOTICED A CLUMP OF LILIES AT JACQUIE’S DRIVE THIS EVENING. “THEY’RE VERY PRETTY. A BROWNISH, BURNT ORANGE. I’D LOVE A GROUP OF THEM.” THEY’RE THE SAME FUCKING LILIES THAT ARE IN THE YARD NOW!!! HONESTLY? I SWEAR THEY’RE ALL FUCKING RETARDED! (I’M GLAD I’M *NOT* EATING WITH THEM… I WORRY ABOUT THE WATER… BUT SERIOUSLY… THEY’RE ALL FUCKING RETARDED!
So this day has been an eye-opener. Gee… I wonder what tomorrow will bring… other than the fellows from the NEK.

Sat.8.Aug: 7.11
DREAM: Jeannine and Jim Douanne were some kind of government security guards at some place where there was a function of some kind. I was telling about troubles with the car and how I really needed to get a new one that I could depend on but that the one I had (a black Subaru sedan, something like the Legacy) made me nervous but still served “well enough”. Jeannine said “You need a new car?” and pulled out a gun, aimed and shot into the front… twice, with 2 different sized bullets. It was understood that it was for the insurance purposes but I was at this place where they worked for some reason and no-where near being at home or any other place close to it so I started yelling“No! Not now! I still need it to get to work!” and she shot it anyway. So I went to Jim to tell him that she shot the car. He was pre-occupied with something happening and his boss (a man I don’t and didn’t know) gave me hell for having the car on his property and telling me that it’s my responsibility to remove it. I did get it running to get it away, and off to someplace else, by a brook that was over-flowing. So I had to worry about flooding. – As usual, it was dreary weather and dark. My dreams are always taking place at night of late. Always in darkness.
Well. I had the alarm set for 7.00 this morning, but woke at about 6.30 with a sneezing fit. So I got up, had my coffee and went for my smoke. Bobo’s already up, and has the car out in the back yard. He’s working on the wiring again this morning after having done until about 23.00 last night out front. AND… he mentioned something about cleaning the mess of the roof on the garage today as well. I wonder if I’ll be asked to assist with that. As if I don’t do anything else around here. Oh well… I’m going over to wash the floor at Jacquie’s, to try to get some of the odour out of that front room. I don’t WANT to, but… Hopefully the weather will co-operate and I’ll be able to wash it and it’ll dry. Not so much to “clean” it so much to get the stale and sour smells out of that room. (And, just in case I need to spend time there, I probably should wash the walls in the back room as well? That’s going to be an effort. Oh well… it’ll keep me busy. That, and removing the rosa rugosa from the front of the house… with a bit of weeding in the garden. And… I’ve got to start getting some of the spinach and lettuce up. I’ll probably have a salad for lunch today… to use the veggies.) – Meanwhile, the sun is up and shining, and it’s really rather chilly this morning. August… that month where the days can still get hot… and the nights can get down-right cold. August… The North Country… and ANXIETIES! Nothing new to see here… move along. – Oh, and for some reason, I’ve got the song “The Story” in my head this morning. I wonder why THAT is. – 18.30 ack in and SHOWERED! having franks for now (salad for lunch finished it) and tequila for later with tonic! Ray and Brent and the 2 are dining. tent up in yard.Freak on the phone in it’s cave. Dixie in the yard.
She was my dog but….. (says Bobo to Ray) fucko off!

Sun.9.Aug: Herzlich Geburtstag OMA! –
Perhaps a little TOO much tequila last night. Just groggy at 8.12 here. But rudely awakened after the 7.00 alarm by the shit-bag-fags in the adjacent room yelling and such. Wall paper… looking for wallpaper. Anyway. I’m slowly having my coffee before my morning smoke and hopefully will have my head together enough to figure some escape. (8.15 and Ray, Brent and Bobo are bringing things to the car… Bobo in nothing but yellow shorts. Honestly? This “bears” bull-shit is more than quite enough… bull-shit.) – Hopefully the tequila won’t cause the trits this morning. I have to figure what escape to take. (They’ve just left… so funny… the car pulled all sorts of cut grass into the road.) I’m getting head-ache… and it’s rather warm in the room this morning. – Sunday… Oh just bloody fukkit! – 8.27 No interenet in the house this morning…. hmmmm… Knocked something over? Disconnected something? Or… Oh well… time for a smoke. – 19.32 SHOWERED!!!! WITH LAVA SOAP! SCRAPED CLEAN! – Got the 3 rows of framboises cleared, cleaned, manured and mulched! Took from about 11.30 until 18.00! But it’s done! – ***** NOTE FOR THE DAY: THIS MORNING WHEN I WENT TO DO THE FRAMBOISES, THE CHAIRS WERE STILL IN THE BACK YARD, BEER BOTTLES ON THE STUMP TABLE, A SHIRT OVER ONE CHAIR AND THE MILK CANS FROM THE SIDE OF THE BENCH HAD BEEN MOVED TO TH CHAIRS, ON THE GRASS!!! WELL! WHEN I CAME BACK FROM “GARDENING” THIS EVENING…. THE CHAIRS WERE BACK WHERE THEY BELONGED, THE BEER BOTTLES WERE GONE AND THE MILK CANS WERE BACK BESIDE THE BENCH!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA (YET) WHO DID IT, BUT… HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SHOCKERS OF SHOCKERS OF ALL SHOCKERS! INDEED!!! – Anyway, as I sit here drying a bit… Jacquie came back from where-ever as I’d just begun working in the garden and she says “I have a little something for you.” YES! Gas and smokes money! OK! AND THEN she says “I bought you something too.” A gallon of paint for the room and 3 lilies to be planted. Oh yes? Bought me something? I’m burnt out over all this bull-shit! Truly. To add insult, when I went to tell her of the comment of HLS r/t the lilies in the yard, she didn’t even pay attention to me! Honestly! I was blowing it all out of my arse! It’s just at the end… – I did get invited to join her, Karey and Jess (his name is Jess, not Jeff, oh well then) on a trip to Sutton. Halle too. At first I thought it a most WONDERFUL idea… to get along and get away and get back to Sutton. But they were going “hiking” some-where. (If I knew for certain that they’d go to lac Mohawk, I would have jumped at the opportunity.) But, after giving the matter some thought, I decided to rather stay and do the gardening. Hey… the more I get done here, the better and quicker it will be to leave… and all day, that’s been my primary thought: A “New York State of Mind”. – That said and done and noted, I was also invited to dinner… chez Karey and Jess… this evening… no particular time noted… It’s 19.41 now and if nobody comes or calls by 20.00… I shall decline for the second time. If I’m to paint tomorrow, I have to wash my “working” clothes (hopefully HLS will be in the bed and I’ll be able to get my clothes clean?) before doing. That means getting up early enough… which means going to bed early enough. Besides… “dinner” after 20.00? What the fuck? – And so, I had no intention of getting all of this down, but it is. So I’ll dress in jeans and see what’s to come. – 22.51 I was “browsing” when I heard a vehicle, looked out the window… Jacquie… just driving by… tooted the horn… I waved. Dinner? Right. Franklin? Indeed. – Smoke time!

Mon.10.Aug: 7.25 and the wash is IN! – Went to bed at about mid-night after 2 rather “normal” tequila and tonics. (I still have a Tea left too.) And went directly to sleep. Thankfully. Woke before the 7.00 alarm this morning… to the sun-shine. And on the agenda? Paint that room! Well, the framboises are done. The garden gate post is done. I’m really not going to get too much into the rosa rugosa, I’ve decided. And as for the rest? I don’t know, but it’s all winding down nicely. By the time I’m all ready to go back to NY, everything should be done. – I still can’t get over the fact that somebody went out back and put things proper in the yard. – And now, this morning, the anxieties of the PO. But, I’ve decided that I’ll just go for the Plattsburgh office and see what happens. I don’t know that the car will take the commute with-out the repairs. But I’m going to have to try. “Close yours eyes, lean forward and fall.” – I’m still a bit bent about last evening. Imagine if I hadn’t had the franks to eat and had been counting on dinner at Karey and Jess. Yes, imagine that. Well… shit happens and when it does, put it in the garden and plant flowers… Flowers it is then. I’ll not mention it. Just go and paint. Done. – The freak is awake too. I wonder what THAT’S about… another “appointment”? – I still have to figure how to split the pay. Smokes and something into the account. BFD… 50. It goes so quickly. (I’m too old.) – Oddly, the internet for the house isn’t coming up again this morning. Oh well… – (From notes jotted at 1.25 on Tuesday) Well!!! That front room is PAINTED! 2 coats on the walls. Not my “best”. The floor got splattered, which isn’t like me at all. The base-boards need to be cleaned a bit. But, I did do the best that I could, all considered. And it does look a bit better. And Jacquie even commented that it smells better in there. Indeed. The only things left to paint now are the shelves and the book-case. The drop ceiling tracks need to be bleached clean too. But other than that, the room is indeed rather “done”… finished. Jacquie asked why I don’t consider house-painting as a profession. (If my body could stand the pain… and I knew I could do it… and I had the initial investment… I suppose…) – I was almost on the first rolled coat when Jacquie announced that she and Karey were going swimming and asked if I’d like to join them. I haven’t gone swimming in YEARS! How I miss the days of the Atlantic. How I miss being able to swim. But, I declined, opting rather to finish the painting. (When the painting and such are done, I don’t have to “be concerned” about un-finished business… it’s always on my mind… makes it easier to “go”.) As she left, she reminded me that I was to join her, Karey and Jess for dinner at their place. Well… she couldn’t tell what time and so, I resigned myself to not attending and got right into the painting… and indeed, I got it done. – It was round about 18.45 or so when she returned and I was just washing brush and roller. So She gave me about 20 minutes to get to the house and shower and such. I did…. Came to the pit for a good shower with Lava again. I’ve got that mole and now, something under the left arm that I figure the Lava will “exfoliate”. Besides… it feels quite a bit cleaner using that soap. And… I did… I made it… showered and such in good time. Met her as I left to walk over to her house. She brought cukes for HLS and I told her to just leave them on the front porch but she rang the bell to give them. OH! The BARKING and such. But you know? Delivery… once again, these sloths get “service”. And on we went. – Karey/Jess’s place is quite nice and clean. Refreshing. Sparsely furnished, but clean. Waiting for Jess, we 3 sat on the front stoop and had a beer until he came and the rains too. – Dinner was some sort of mixed veg and meat on toast, a tomato, sliced cuke and a 3-bean salad. Desert was a peach compote of sorts with yoghurt. Conversation was, I have to say, fun… with one exception I must say (in retrospect): Jess’s sister lived in Hudson Manor Terrace!!!!! I think she lived in Margot’s building!!!! Right up to last month (when she moved to The City). I mentioned Margot’s name and Karey jotted it. I wonder if I’m bringing bad news to me now. But ca ce peut tu? SAME BUILDING! And the world closes in on me. How odd. – Jacquie and I left round about 22.00 and I walked her home. I HAD to mention Bobo’s comment about the one time they dined with Karey and Jess: “I felt that I was out of their league.” Gee… I wonder why. I had a delightful chat with all. Oh… well, I do suppose he was “out of their league” if I enjoyed my-self this evening. – So… when I came into the pit, HLS was awake. I asked about going for a smoke (it’s more curiosity these days… thinking something horrid might be said to my face or news will be accidentally leaked). We went. When we came back, I was “invited to cocktails”. HLS had the usual gin and something and I had a Jim Beam and Coke! And it was poured quite heavily. (No complaints… I’d had 2 beers with dinner and…) (Neither the beers nor the bourbon actually hit me tonight either… stone-cold sober. Shit!) Anyway, HLS and I sat up chatting about music and such. Nice-nice and all until about 1.00!!! But… it’s another day “gone” and something was accomplished with it. I can’t say I’m “thrilled”. But “accomplished.

Tue.11.Aug: 1.25 Just getting into bed! WHAT A DAY! The room is painted! DONE! AT LAST! The shelves and book-case remain. – The pain in my hips, thighs and hands is horrible! It’s painful to stand, walk and type and hold the banister for the stairs. I’m SO falling apart… how I wish it would be sudden, complete… soon. – I’m so hungry too! Having a “creamer” Gattuso before trying to get to sleep. Something to get rid of the hunger. – The freak is still awake! But has an “appointment” in the morning… again… More FREE services! Fuck. – Well, Jacquie has some “computer” stuff she wants me to help her with later. I think it’s more a matter of company. But, rather than spend the day at the pit… – Now to try.. TRY…. for sleep.. and hope to wake at a regular (early) hour… but I do doubt it. – 10.20 The alarm sounded, I turned it off… went right back to sleep… until 10.00! And… it’s raining. – ANXIETIES! MOVE! GO! RUN! PREPARE! Why? I don’t know. As if I ever knew. Can’t think of what to do at Jacquie’s. Monday next begins her road trip. Back and forth. I don’t know. Stay there? I don’t know. Will I HAVE to stay there? I don’t know. What’s to come? I don’t know. Job? Local? Plattsburgh? Some-where? Any-where? I don’t know. I don’t like not knowing. 3 smokes. What to do? FS? Cash? Here? There? Too much. Just too much. I always go through this. I wonder… I wonder. And there’s yesterday’s notes to expound upon. I don’t know. My brain seems to be in over-load… I over-slept. I don’t know. And I don’t like it. – 10.50 Done and caught up and the rains are still falling and the freak has returned (to go back to bed, no doubt) and HLS is still asleep and the world? I’ll check the e-mails and decide after. The fucking anxieties about the job just knot my guts each and every time. I trust…. NO ONE! –
10.57 ACCORIDNG TO THE PO SITE… I DIDN’T GET THE SHELDON OFFICE BACK!!!!! I AM SO FUCKED! SO SO SO VERY FUCKED!!!!! MY BODY IS A MESS RIGHT NOW… I NEED A DISTRACTION! MELT-DOWN! I CAN STALL ONLY A LITTLE WHILE LONGER ON THIS… 11.10 JUST APPLIED FOR PLATTSBURGH. I WANT TO VOMIT! I NEED A SMOKE. I NEED A DISTRACTION! I DON’ T NEED THIS BULLSHIT.
24.33 Got to Jacquie’s at almost noon. Painted the trim in the loo. YAY. Tough-ups in the front room. Salad for lunch with salmon! Burger, rice and stir-fry: peas, zucchini, croo-neck, delicious! Poor Halle has an infection in her right eye! She’s off to the doctor at 8.45 tomorrow. But it was a really nice, wonderful sort of day in spite of the 11.00 notice via e-mail “Not Selected”. Fucktards! I shot an e-mail off to EEO referring to the environment as “hostile” and then applied for the Plattsburgh office. Now… to see what happens. It’s too late now to ponder it. – Smokes with HLS this evening. BAD SOUR MOOD! Fed-up with the freak’s shit all over the porch. (Oh, and that… the roof out-side the kitchen door is sagging under all the rain. Jacquie says I should be nice and take it upon myself to put up some plastic. I don’t think so… I asked her for her opinion… I didn’t say I would… although, doing would show the bigger and better man?) Anyway, he said he’s tired of all the shit on the porch, being made a fool in front of friends (I wonder what THAT was about) and treated like a 2-year old. Something must be happening in my absence. – Tonight, Dixie sat with me on the little sofa as I sat and watched some of the “Batman” movie. She’s looking rather sad. HLS looked over and said to me “She really loves you.” Oh well… I’ve come to love her, and fear for her when I’m gone. But… – Well…. almost 1.00 again. I want to be out of here during the day. I do NOT want to become part of the drama of this place any longer… and at the rate things are going… it looks as though I’m going to be in those rooms I’m cleaning. There’s no way I’ll be able to get the car prepared for the commute to Plattsburgh at this rate. Death is looking OH SO GOOD… and the season is coming, and I’m at the point where it’ll be nice enough… back in New York.

Wed.12.Aug: 1.46 Not really tired. Too annoyed with the PO bullshit. Hungry. And I think I’ll go for another smoke. – OH! At about midnight, HLS and I went for a smoke and Bobo was on the back porch having a pipe! I wonder what that’s all about. HLS told him the the shit on the porch needs to go… The freak’s shit. (I thought… it’s been there for almost 2 years! It should have been put up in the barn at least at this point. But… fuck me all round anyway.) – 8.50 Slept through the 7.00 alarm. Rain again. Anxieties again. Depression is coming. I walked, 6 hours in the wind and snow. I biked 6 days in the pouring rain. Arrived early. Stayed late. Constantly worked. No over-time pay. Didn’t bitch. Just did.
“There are no thanks.”
She knew. She said. She told me. What now?
I’ve been through worse. Indeed I have. All things pass. “But that was yesterday. And yesterday’s gone.”
I’ve always known people who had others to turn to. I’ve been the “others” to whom people have turned. I turn… and there’s no one.
Cottage cheese at the A&P at 2.00 and ….
In times of horror, stress and depression, don’t ask why some people fall apart. Rather, ask why others do not.
These are the days HLS wakes to every day.
I have to go. Get out. Get away. One way or another, now.
Me. My perception. I just do want to argue with people to stupid to have the ability to see, and understand.
Me. My perception makes it bad, dark, depression, horrid, terror. My perception. This too shall pass. And so too, shall I.
Morning. Another day. And I am so sick of the abuse. I am so sick of it all.
Life: to some a blessing, to others, a curse.
I am cursed. Stop asking “why”.
8.58 Halle is at the doctor’s this morning by now. Poor little creature, her. Dixie was SO full of love last night. Poor little creature, her. Each of us has pain and suffering. Even the little ones who truly depend on others, others who ignore and disregard. I am one of them. That’s probably why they come to me. We are alike… abused and taken for granted. Poor little creatures… us. – There are things to be done today. Always things to be done… today. I will, MUST go and DO… again, and again, and again, and… it never seems to end. Always something to be done… for others… I want it to stop. – Even if it’s painful, the pain will last only a while and then end… and when it’s ended, there will be no more, no more, no more. Soon, swiftly… soon. – Another morning. Life… THE curse. – 10.17 Sometimes we see things or hear things that are necessary… like this… just now… on FB:

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”
She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”
Remember to put the glass down.
(Courtesy of Jimmy Harmon)

Meanwhile… somebody’s doing something in the house that’s making thumps. Bobo’s here, the car’s parked out front, and too, a Chevy pick-up. I wonder… after HLS’s comment last night about getting rid of the shit on the porch. Oh well, y’know… it HAS been 2 years of that shit just sitting there and nothing being done about it. – Oh well… time for me to toddle along and get the actual fuck out of Dodge… – 10.46 Time to git along little shit4brains. – 23.25 Started at about 11.30… Went to Jacquie’s and disassembled the chest of drawers, put the lumber she could use in the stove by the house and brought the shellacked wood to the wood pile for the “fire pit” (may they inhale deeply). Then came to the house to get the spade to plant her lilies and got caught up with Bobo and the freak, working on the “wood shed”. Bobo’d come back to the house at about 10.30 to work more on it because the day was cool (and because of all the shit HLS is dumping on him of late about so many things). Back to Jacquie’s to plant the lilies and when I came to the pit to replace the spade, got caught in more construction on the back porch. Ah… but when, at 14.00 Bobo rang the house phone and woke HLS, he asked “Come see…” and when HLS arrived at the back door and saw that the entire old roof had been removed, in stead of saying something positive: “We’re going to get soaked.” because there was no roof directly out-side the kitchen door. Honestly! WHAT A CUNT! So, Bobo and the freak continued to work and I went to the garden to “harvest”. I pulled ALL of the white radishes and some beets and about 5 cukes to bring back. I put them on the picnic table in the back yard. (They’re still there. More wasted food. Time to stop bringing and stock up for me for next week.) I helped put up the frame for the roof over the kitchen door and suggested a tarp as a temporary. The one in the barn is torn and chewed so… I brought the tarp that was in the trash heap at Jacquie’s and helped put it up. HLS obviously doesn’t “approve” but… fine. It serves the purpose. – THIS EVENING I WAS ASKED IF I’D LIKE A SUB FROM NEXT DOOR! I declined, grabbed a cuke and went to see the “semi-finished” work. They sat to table and Bobo said, a few times “Thank you so much for your help.” THANK ME? WELL! Thank me, indeed! – So, I went back to Jacquie’s for my “dinner” of salad with Halle. – “Conjunctivitis” is the dx for Halle’s eye. Poor sweet-heart. But there’s meds for her now. – JUST as I was ready to leave, Jacquie pulled up. It must have been about 18.00 or so. So I listened to her events of the day and the doctor appointment this morning. Halle has meds now and an ointment for the eye… which I will have to put in TIDx8 days whilst Jacquie is away. How fun! Oh well… Hopefully it will go well. – Jacquie made pizza for dinner and I ate to my fill. One slice remains. So we chatted a bit and by 21.00 I left. – Came back to the pit, sat with HLS for a while watching TV. – I was up to my shower at about 22.30 and it felt SO good! Then down for a last smoke du jour. – All are in bed now and I’m soon off m’self. – Oh… a note: Seems Val, who was here before me, asked Cecil to drive her to Rutland one Thanksgiving. THE BALLS! When I mentioned it to HLS as we had our last smoke this evening, he said “She was very brazen.” Well… then… the matter of Carley hearing them cavort in their own bed-room came up and now, the story goes that HLS confronted Val and told her that if she didn’t like it, she had to move. I said “I wonder if that’s not why she left all those tissues behind the bed.” and he said “I wouldn’t doubt it.” Oh well… I maintain the room in better condition… and I’ve most certainly maintained the property as well as Daisy. And then HE says: “I call that ‘Welfare mentality.” In retrospect I have to almost laugh it off… coming from somebody who EXPECTS work to be done… by OTHERS… who feels ENTITLED to have work done FOR him, by OTHERS. Ca ce peut tu? So… – Oh, one more tid-bit before closing the day: I stopped at the store for “noshes” this evening and told Deb about the nasty conditions at the Square rd house. She got all “self-righteous (as she does) talking about people who don’t work, do nothing and destroy. “Leave a place better than it was.” say she. But we agreed that we, who think that way, are a dying breed. – Well that was today. I worked… I WORKED TWO PROPERTIES, BACK AND FORTH. Planting, a bit of construction, for TWO people, TWO house-holds, NEITHER of which are “mine”. I WORKED! Crops, providing food. I WORKED! I’ve nothing to regret where that’s concerned. Even Deb knows: “I see you’re working, cleaning up around Jacquie’s now.” FUCK THE WORLD! Actually… FUCK THE WORLD.

Thu.13.Aug: 7.32 The wash is on the rinse. The sky is thick with clouds. My bowels want to explode. And my mood is heavy, thick, deep, dark… miasma.
DREAM (fragment) At a party or convention of Postal people. Asdourian was there, and the C.. Rachel and Aline too. And I said to Aline: “She” – pointing to Rachel – “had nothing to do with this y’know. And she” – pointing to the C. – “was following the directions and information she received.” Aline looked at me with a “don’t start” look but said nothing. “SHE” – pointing round the corner toward Asdourian – “SHE is a LIAR!” Aline said quietly “She’s right there you know. She can hear you.” And I kept repeating, a bit louder each time “SHE is a LIAR! She’s a LIAR!… SHE’S a LIAR!” as I slowly walked away. _ There was some mention, some-where in the dream, about “the best number to reach you.” and I said “The 988 number.”
It’s so much in my mind now that I’m dreaming of it. – And this morning, again, my anxieties rise. Will Plattsburgh not take me because of the distance on my application? How can I convince them that I CAN and WILL move closer? Am I stuck here? I need to repair the car! And I NEED to get the actual fuck out of here. And when (because it will) will the “You owe us!” statement come again? AND… WHY SHOULD I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HEARING IT… especially from somebody who, as I’m to understand it, actually sat, doing nothing, as his own Mum went out and shovelled snow? I’ve worked round here. I’ve done more for this property than either of them have. I turned this place back into a “home” for THEM! WHY, the actual fuck, should I let it get to me? I shouldn’t. But even more, MORE important…. WHY DID I WAKE UP AGAIN THIS MORNING? Oh… just fuck it all. Really. It’s never going to settle, never going to get better, never going back to peaceful. Never. – PS: the veggies are still on the picnic table… they “WANT”… it was delivered… the can’t even bring it into the house! “Welfare mentality” at it’s best. – Time to get the wash into the dryer. There’s paint on my pants… fuck. Just fuck. – 9.56 and we’re off! – 20.41 IN BED. SHOWERED. V-TONIC! YAY! – Admittedly, poor Jacquie caught the wrong side of me today. Well, I got out of the pit this morning, used my rain water and Miracle Gro on the bench garden and the front and then went over to her. I should have avoided people today but not her, because, well… just because. But sadly, she caught my “wrong” side because of all the recent bull-shit that I’m putting up with. Still, it was good to be with her and it did take the hard edge off. We didn’t accomplish much except lunch (and I should remember to cook the beef in the fridge). But this morning, I stopped at the store here for smokes and Sue made some “off the cuff” remarks about “working”. THESE PEOPLE DO NOT CONSIDER WHAT I’M PUTTING IN AT JACQUIE’S IN THE GARDENS TO BE “WORK”!!!! FUCKTARDS! THE LOT OF THEM! Anyway… that put me in a right bad mood (plus that I spent the money on those nasty Camels.) So anyway, I managed to get a little weeding in in between learning Jacquie’s “Garmin” and setting her destinations for her “road trip” on it. And now there’s painting to be done in the bath-room. I swear she’s making work to keep me around. Not that I mind so much, because it does keep me busy, but… I’m also anxious about the application for Plattsburgh and the fact that I’ll have to find a place to stay over there at first and such. Honestly… too much on my mind. And it annoys me that the ONE person for whom I was available in time of need… Mlle. Lortie, is a fuck-off. But… and So… at 15.20, Jacquie was off on the road to work. THEN I got busy: I put the urea on the corn which is coming to ears now. THAT was nasty because the urea had clumped! Well… I got it down and raked it into the soil. Hopefully, it will suffice and help. Next, off to the lilies that Jacquie made a point of telling me that she no longer wants. I dug up 5 groups (or bunches or what-evers) and put them into the flower bed out in front of the pit. (Next year is going to be a BLAST of flowers out there!) I was FILTHY! Urea and soil… and I only JUST washed my work clothes (yes… WORK). But that’s fine. The flower beds here are fertilised, the corn as well, and the lilies are planted at the pit for “the lovely people” at the pit. Next year the lilies will bring the grass with them, but there will be black-eyed Susans, daisies, holyhocks and lilies ALL across the front of the place. No maintenance on any of them… One hopes… One doesn’t give a shit. – At 20.00 I was in the house (and in the vodka to bring here… for 2 drinks) and gave Halle her ointment in the eye. She’s such a sweet-heart. I just might alter the nights over there to be with her next week. I KNOW she misses Cecil. I wish there was something more I could do but I don’t want to put this place in immediate jeopardy… not just yet. – When I got into the pit at about 20.30, HLS and Bobo were in the parlour watching a “Jurassic Park” DVD . HLS was rather nice. Bobo was rather removed. I asked if they’d like salad with dinner tomorrow and of course… yes. So I’ll bring them some tomorrow. – As for tomorrow… painting. The book case, the shelves, hopefully the shelves in the loo and then? DONE! No more painting! I’ll have to bring the Clorox Clean-up over and try it on the ceiling tiles. If it works… GREAT! If not… oh well. One has to be replaced anyway. We shall see. – I have HORRID PAIN in my thighs these days and tonight the right one is every so painful! I’m falling apart. YAY! Shower was with shampoo… I’ll be running out of soaps soon. Fucking qunt over there in Highgate Ctr. Lying qunt that she is. (I won’t call her a “bitch” because that’s un-kind to dogs.) – And so… having my first v-ton… will probably have 2 and then hope for passing out… and passing on would be nice too but I know better than to ask for that much. – The pit is quiet. I’ll be having a “’moke” in a bit and then turning the lights off on this day. – Flowers… they’re all over the place now. If nothing… I’ve improved the property many-fold. Fuck the rest of these shit-bags… just fuck them! – 24.14 gotta pee and falling asleep! Ohell.Tomorrow.

Fri.14.Aug: 7.16 And I’m breathing. Not well at all. But breathing. With OPPRESSIVE ANXIETIES this morning. The sun is shining. The temperature is actually quite nice. It’s what could be called a “lovely morning”. But it’s not. Anxieties. I’m going to work until the work is done. Just work. And when it’s done, I can “go”. That’s what I want… to go. No matter how we “go”, there is always some pain. That’s how we go. Heart attacks, pain. Automobile crashes, pain. Cancer, pain. Old age, pain. We go in pain. No matter how. But the good thing is that the pain ultimately leads to peace. It’s time to “GO”! – 20.31 SHOWERED! On the bed in my jeans but SHOWERED! Day is done (BFD). – The book-case is painted and against the wall. The bathroom shelves are painted, so too, the brackets, and the shelves are back where they belong. The smaller shelves are back up on the wall (the longer one will be done tomorrow, if I’m able, physically). I had salad for lunch, burger for dinner. I brought lettuce and romaine over for the pit (it was laying on the counter, wilting, when I came in at about 15.30…) and more beets and cukes. Went back to the house, finished the painting, touched-up the outlets (that had been painted by accident… they’re black now). Hallie got her meds. All’s rather well with the world… Not with ME… but with the rest of the world. – A thought: Yesterday, Jacquie got the “Life, for some a blessing, for other a curse” and when we had our meal, as she does, she thanked “God” for the food and for me being there to help her. Ca ce peut tu? So today, again, my thought was… yes… thank God for my having been born… to work, to help, to do things, the be “there” when needed. Never mind that I’m miserable. Nobody wants to take the time to know that. They just want to rejoice in my being… there to do the work. I’m looking forward to “check-out time”. – That’ said… I went to the store to get smokes (which again, they didn’t have, incompetent morons), and Deb tells me again, that Hallie should be on a leash. “We have leash laws.” says she. “At least she isn’t shitting and peeing all over other people’s property. I had to put up with that bullshit for 2 years.” says I. Says she: “I’ve received many complaints and somebody said if she bothered their dog again, they’d shoot her.” Say’s me: “Well, next time you get a complaint and they say they’re going to shoot her, you tell them I’m going to shoot THEM!” Says Deb, “Oh no. Not them.” as she answered the phone. “Yes, THEM.” says I… and left. – FUCK THESE IN-BREEDS AND RETARDS AND THIS TOWN! I SO want and need to get back to NY… the state. This place is driving me insane with the bullshit. – And another thought today: I’ll be jotting a note or e-mail to some-one about the C. giving Rachel access to all sorts of “PM” information and having Rachel running the payroll for us all and such. Indeed. AND… Ms. Stacie? Her and her snooping into things and getting incomplete information and running with it… AGAIN. – So, anyway… Bobo came back early today and worked on the porch with the freak. They’re still at it, I do believe (20.42). Meanwhile, I came in at about 20.20, came up to the room, got the towel and shampoo and hit the shower. – My THIGHS are so PAINFUL! Feels like charlie-horses all the time. Difficult to walk. My throat is a bit sore. My sinuses are rather painful. I wonder what I’m coming down with. (I hope it’s fatal.) – One Tea tonight. I should have gone to Mayhew’s but I was too lazy and I’m worried about the bearing on the car. I might have to go to interview in Plattsburgh… the vacancy posting has disappeared. I can only hope. – Hot and humid in this room. I need a smoke… and a Tea! – 23.54 I’m nodding at the key-board… one Tea. Time to quit… until the monrin.

Sat.15.Aug: 8.45
I woke at 2.00 again with the cramps! Always at 2.00
Woke at 7.00 – dozed
now B at the roof hammering
I have a list again for the house, things that need to be done at Jacquie’s
feeling rather dragged
dreary morning
19.19 SHOWERED and IN BED! HOT! Humid! – Managed today: Scraped the wood-work and applied linseed oil all round, looks NICE!; put another coat on one loo shelf; put up the long shelf in the room; touched-up on the edges of the shelves; washed the floor in the room; swept the porch; light touch of paint on door trim; weeded the lilies on the Highgate rd. side; planted a small group in front of the house; harvest to the pit of beets, cukes and 2 zucchini. Hallie got her meds. My heart aches for her, being alone in that house. I don’t know what I’m going to do next week when Jacquie’s gone. (But at least I won’t be doing anything more on that room! IT IS DONE!… The bed-room might need some cleaning, but I have more than enough time for that I should think.) I’ll probably spend most of my time over there with Hallie anyway. I have things to do and I can do them there. (I’m pondering a re-write of the book… I don’t know.) She needs the company. Poor little girl. – When I came to put the lily in front of the pit, their Eric is here… they were all seated at the picnic table, which they did not move so that the grass can be mowed under it. The rest of the yard was done yesterday. I’m not worried about it, I must say. Looks like shit. So too, round the “Surprise lilies” which Bobo weeded and then tossed the weeds on the grass… where they will remain. Morons. – And so, a combo of vodka, tequila and gin with my tonic now. – “They” are all in the parlour… I suspect “engaged”. I don’t want to know and I don’t much give a shit. – I’m going to make a “Mr. G’s” page on fesses-book this evening… just the music and a blurb. My “legacy”. – And so I’ll wait to pass out… and hope to pass on. – 24.0
moe tiHLS thiething that feblady–and thy =egt aeya with it.
IMY have ith th ea asll.. tomie for sleep.
(On Sunday: I have NO idea what the fuck THAT is supposed to be but I’m leaving it as part of this journal.)

Sun.16.Aug: 8.34 The sleep was deep, but the hangover isn’t worth it. No more of THAT mixture! I’m a wreck this morning. And not in the physical condition to want to do much of anything. But Hallie needs her meds and the kitchen floor over there could use a “once-over” before Jacquie gets in. So… in moments, I shall be on the move. – 9.39 Running late and we’re outta here! (I need smokes again… I wonder where THAT will take me today… Mayhew’s or Bedford? Hmmmm) – 16.07 Just waking from an hour’s nap. The pit’s been empty since I came in at about 14.30 or so. Spent the morning at Jacquie’s. Hallie got her meds, I washed the kitchen floor, pfutzed on my fesses-book and such. Somebody in BTV offered 600 for the canoe and I specifically posted 1000 firm. 400 less. Imagine? Oh well… I’ll ask Jacquie. I think she was only looking for 500 to begin with anyway. We shall see. – I cooked some veggies for lunch today. Beets and crook-necks… together in the same pot. Butter, olive oil, salt, pepper… delicious really. Not beef, but no bad at all. I should try to make a borscht the coming week… whilst I have a kitchen (for about 4 days). We shall see. – Almost out of smokes. Not wanting to “buy” but not sure if Brenda’s over at the store this evening. AND…. I know those morons next door won’t have mine.. Or… I could wait until tomorrow, and go to the dép and get one pack there… and all but kill the chequing account. I don’t know… and it’s bugging the shit out of me. Shit… just shit. – Jacquie had phoned to say that she’d be back after 14.00 today. I left a note saying I’d be back at 17.00. – It’s been entirely TOO HOT today to do much of anything. I broke a sweat doing the kitchen floor… broke a sweat just looking at the lilies… broke a sweat just harvesting some veggies! HOT AND HUMID! I should probably take this weather and head “HOME”… and I mean… “HOME”… out of this shit. – Let’s just hope I don’t get an interview until I can afford it. – O well… the dix are back. Time to get the fuck out of the pit I suppose. I was hoping to do that before they returned. But you know… they’ve been shopping… for stuff I don’t touch… none of my business… – 22.06 WELL! SO DEB RANG JACQUE LAST EVENING AND LEFT A MESSAGE: COME AND GET YOUR DOG BECAUSE SHE’S HERE IN FRONT OF THE STORE AND PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF HER!!! BURT’S DOG WANDERED ABOUT TOWN WHEN I FIRST ARRIVED AND NOBODY MINDED. KIDS RUN THEIR 4-WHEELERS WITH LOUD MUFFLERS AND NOBODY MINDS. KIDS POP WHEELIE ON THIER CROTCH ROCKETS AND NOBODY MINDS. THESE MORONS SCREECH ROUND CORNERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND NOBODY MINDS. I’M AT WITS’ END WITH THIS SHIT! TRULY. – OK. But this evening, when I went over to the house I hear “I bought you a present!” Yes… MORE PAINT! For the door in that room. The entire door! And glazing compound for the windows. More work… “present”? Yes, I got another 50 (total 300 for the season) and Jacquie did admit that it should be more. Me? I told her I appreciate the “peace of mind” I get in her home. But still… I’m beginning to believe that the moment is coming when I’ll be over there.. permanently. And that bothers me because that brat up-stairs and their little dog bag about so! Oh well… time alone will tell. I still have my heart set on at least an interview in Plattsburgh…. PLEASE!!!!! We shall see. – When I got in this evening, the doors were un-locked but I no sooner opened the screen door at the kitchen and the fucking dogs barked! Everyone’s in bed… HLS is pfutzing with the phone and thier TV is on. Still… it’s nothing but a nuisance. AND… to think: Hallie is a barker too!? Hard times and tough days… they are coming. – Well… a little browsing and off to sleep. Hopefully this lap-top will work over there at the house. The Heat Index is forecast at 39° for the next few days. It’s going to be tough going… but… I’ll have a house, and a fridge and stove! I can actually get ice cream and cold foods now… and I can COOK! I must remember to bring my franks over… and then figure how to eat them with-out mooching animals about. Hallie will just have to learn.

Mon.17.Aug: 7.47 Fucking dogs yipping first and then the barking! First thing in the morning! What the actual fuck?
DREAM: In an under-ground parking garage sort of space, dark and rather dank. I was getting out of work and had to move the car at first and so, I parked, facing down a bit of a hill, the front passenger tyre was on a drain and when I looked at it, it seemed to have gone flat. I wasn’t sure that it was flat or if it was just in the grill, so I went over to look at it before moving the car back some, to take the tyre off the grill. But, I put 2 note-books that I had with me, a black “Composition” note-book and an orange one, down, on the drain grill and with the books, some keys. As I stood up, the note-books shifted a bit and the orange note-book and two keys fell in, through the grill! I was in a panic, horrible anxieties as I watched, helpless, the book and keys fall down, into the swiftly flowing water at the bottom of the drain! They all seemed to “float” down, a great distance, into the water. And I saw the note-book floating away. There was something in the note-book, notes that I sorely needed. And the keys, one with an orange rubber ring and the other with a yellow ring, were necessary for work. I was all but devastated! So I went over to the drain to try and carefully fetch the note-book and a red-ringed key, and some other papers that hadn’t fallen. I squatted and tried very carefully to get the remaining when “sister” appeared, staring at me and talking about something that I didn’t care about at that moment. As I reached for the items still on the grill and saw the orange note-book float away, I said to her “Fuck off! Seriously… fuck off!” and she said, rather sarcastically, “Bitch!” And I turned to her and said “Yes! Bitch! YOU! Fuck off! I’m trying to get these before they fall too and you’re not helping!” I wanted to concentrate on moving the books and papers with-out losing anything more, although, it would have been very simple to get them. I was just so over-whelmed with anxieties because of what had been lost already. Those keys and that note-book were so terribly important! And… I woke from this.
Other-wise… this morning is hazy. It’s supposed to be miserably hot with a Humidex of 40! I’m just in from my morning smoke and I heard the truck doors over at Jacquie’s. She’s still there, packing the truck. Her Maryrose is supposed to be there round about 8.00 and they’ll be on the road. Well… I’ve got the door to paint today. And I want that DONE… TODAY! Actually, I want it ALL to be done… today. I don’t want to “work” this week, but… what I want and what happens… But, IF I can get to the market, I can get things like ice cream, things that should be refrigerated. I can cook, sit, eat (and get Hallie used to leaving me alone!!!! Me and food.. always something). But we shall see how this day goes along. Bobo and HLS did say “I hope you won’t be working out-side the next few days.” because of the heat. But we all know… all of “us”, that such statements mean nothing as soon as they’ve been said. – I can’t help but think: Here I am, where needed by others, once again, to help THEM. But, when it comes to helping me? Nobody. It’s like “I bought you a present.” PAINT… for YOUR door. And sand paper… “to sand between coats”. Really? A “present” for me. Right. Oh well… Time… only time will tell what’s to be. – I have to contact FS today about the mail. I don’t know where to have it sent now. I just don’t know. Just don’t. I just don’t. – I fell asleep last night, hard. And I just noticed… I’m still on the internet. Let’s see what damage has been done. – Another morning… I HATE “LIFE”! –
NOTES: MISERABLY HOT AND HUMID ALL DAY.
Went to the house at about 9.00
Hallie brkfst and meds
“Glazed” the windows with glazing compounf
2 coats of paint on the out-side of the door. Will do the inside tomorrow
started scraping the wood-work. A LOT OF WORK to be done on THAT!
worked until 17.00
came back, showered
returned to the house for Hallie’s dinner and meds
chatted with Jacquie. She and MaryRose are in Kennebunk. Franciscan Guest House with salt water pool!
Massachesettes tomorrow.
Can’t get internet over there! I need to make phone calls. I can to the FS from her phone but not EEO. Will have to figure something out!
Back at the pit by about 21.00
MISERABLY HOT AND HUMID IN THE ROOM!!!!
smoke with HLS and then….

Tue.18.Aug: 1.28 JUST getting into bed for the night. Chat with HLS and a mug of sparkling water. It’s good to talk with him but I’m later than I’d planned. I wanted to get back to the painting by 7.00. Oh well…. – 9.03! LATE AGAIN! Gin and tonic before getting to bed LATE…. gotta run and it’s another la canicule! –
23.10 Showered… at Jacquie’s tonight. Just getting back in.
NOTES:
painted inside of door and “glazed the cracks in the wood-work… all day in this HEAT and HUMIDITY
ate scrambled eggs when I arrived though
corn chowder for “meal”
shared with Hallie of course
she’s annoying the shit out of me today
anyway
finished at about 16.30 and came back to the house to shower and….
walk into the kitchen the freak is standing there, boozed
“Just so you know, they had a huge blow-up. Bob’s out walking (down the road) and Lyle took a ride with a lady friend.”
Bob threw the cards (of what-ever) on the table and told Lyle to take care of the expenses.
Lyle grabbed some meds and a heavy gin and left in the car
Bob’s probably calling his family to come get him and take him back to PA
I (the freak) have to be out of here by the end of the week.
I spoke to my case worker about going into the shelter
I’m just going to dump all of my stuff
my sister’s taking the dog.
WELL
Seems they bought another 20$ in corn! and the freak put it up for freezing and was be-moaning “I do the best I can!”
He (Lyle) wants to get rid of the dogs even Dixie
I told him (the freak) that he needs to stop her (Mexishit) from barking!
“I know…”
Dikwad moron
I told him that i figured Lyle was depressed already last night and told him about the photos of the cats and said “I told you that was the worst thing you could do to him. And now, the house suffers the ramifications.”
His reply?
“Bob’s jealous of you because you and Lyle can sit up all night and talk but when he comes home, Lyle stays on the phone and won’t talk to him.
Fuktard
anyway, I told him it’s just because we share the same generation, same era, similar likes in music!
well fuck these idiots all.
I took the dogs out for their business and Bob came back… I tried to make “light” but he wouldn’t speak even to me
While we were out in the yard (the dogs and I) Lyle returned
Then the freak came in from the store
He and all but Dixie went back into the house and Lyle came out looking right wreck!
After a bit of silence he asked me “Would you take Dixie?” and he cried.
“Where would I put her?” I asked… waiting for the toss-out.
confided 6 Oxycodones and probably about half bottle of gin
then about the same in whiskey and Coke.
Right then… too familiar to me
“You mean the world to me. It seems you’re the only one in the house I can talk with.”
He told the freak to be out by the 15th Sept. not end of the week.
Typical spin on shit.
Then he asked it I’d walk with him to the cemetery and I thought it might not be an altogether bad idea to keep him moving with the meds and booze
I knew there’d be a drop on the street… I wasn’t disappointed there
We took Dixie with
He staggered up the road and into the cemetery and took a tumble
pissed himself trying to get back up
we managed
he sat on his Mum’s stone and talked
Depression… lack of self worth and self esteem, he gave up evertyhing he was to be with Bob
(later, when I spoke with Jacquie she told me that he’d told her some time ago “I don’t want to be alone and I just want somebody to love me.”)
And he spoke with Pennyworthlessshit4brains and SHE told him that he might be at the on-set Alzheimer’s!!!! WHAT A FUCKING PIG’S ARSE IDIOT SHE IS! Now he’s terrified!
His lady friend told him that he needed to re-invent himself. I told him the very same thing.
Having no self-esteem, he doesn’t even know where to begin
I suggested re-gaining contact with old friends from his band (I’ll keep trying to get him to do that)
The talk was enlightening and went on until it got dark
we no sooner made it out of the cemetery when he went DOWN… on the pavement and wouldn’t even try to get up
We chatted there a bit, him laying on the side-walk, Dixie hooked to the rail over the brook
some old fucker came out of the parking lot of the school and simply passed us by with a “Hello”.
He (Lyle) didn’t want me to get Bob for help
I decided to get him anyway.
I walked briskly back to the house
BOTH of them were in bed AND the doors were locked!!!!!
thankfully Bob was still awake, I asked if he’d object to helping get Lyle
he spoke almost nothing at all, got up, put on shorts and shoes and said “We may as well take the vehicle.’
we drove over, Lyle was asleep (of course)
we got him up and into the car
the 4 of us (Dixie too) rode back to the house
got lyle into the parlour
Bob asked “Are you OK?” Lyle said “I guess so.” Bob just said “I’m going to bed.”
I came up to the room, got my jeans and flip flops and headed to the house to feed and medicate Hallie and to ring Jacquie. It was 21.00 already!
Spoke with Jacquie, told her why I phoned late.
She told me that she actually feels sorry for lyle because of the “somebody to love” line.
She never asked if I was asked to leave the house (interesting.. in retrospect).
Told me about her day
asked if I was spending the night (I’d considered but… didn’t have anything to wear to bed and the sheets there need washing and such)
I fed poor Hallie, gave her more water.
I had a tortilla with butter and another with cheese (and a beer)
Took Hallie out to do “business”
then jumped into the shower there
came out, got dressed, settled Hallie and came back to the house.
So now, I’ll wait to here my eviction notice. Looks like I might be taking that room after all… how I dread it.
This fucking lap-top is fukcing about with the “sizing” again tonight.
It’s SO HOT in this room and I’m sweating non-stop!
i need to get to the house and bring my garnage tomorrow morning!
I want to be out of here early.
Only gin and nothing else to drink tonight here.
oh well…

Wed.19.Aug: 8.15 I must be off and out of here and I’m told the WiFi is off.. the freak ha no connections. I see from here on my lap-top… it appears he’ correct. Honestly.. people. I’m mentally moving to Jacquie’s. And I can only hope i have that option… for now. Oh well… we shall see what the day brings. Hls is in the bed-room… door closed. Interesting? No. Ridiculous? Oh yeah. – 8.44 Chez Jacquie. Ca ce peut tu? I hear from the freak that Bobo posted to “the internet” last night that he was “leaving the state” and “moving on”. Well… “marriage”. Obviously, he knows nothing about “vows” and that sort. Just as easy today as ever to simply walk away from troubles, trials and tribulations. It’s as HLS and I discussed last evening: the generation that followed us has no respect for anything… not even their word. (Don’t I know that!) Only thing to do is… ride it out. – I didn’t bring my garbage today. Didn’t want to walk out of that house with a large bag… so… But I did get my toe-nails clipped (TOTALLY NECESSARY this morning), and I brought my beard trimmer and razor… I’ll “clean up” here today. And, in the mean-time… let things go and see where they land. I’m almost tempted to “call a conference” to sit and chat with everybody and get all things in the open and try to settle amicably. I doubt that I will, and I doubt it would do any good. But… I shall ponder the possibility. – I can’t understand the shut-down (or removal) of the WiFi in that house though. Alas… oh well.. we shall see. It’s the phone company and they still have the internet… just not the WiFi. And here? I’ve nothing… and the library is closed to… and I believe I left my phone over there! Shit! I have to go back before getting started here. Always something. – 20.42 Just back from… THE DOOR IS ONE AS IS THE WOOD-WORK ROUND AND THE BASE-BOARD HEATER! A little bit of touch-ups and it’s DONE DONE DONE!!! – When I came in moments ago, B. said “Hello…” form the top of the stairs. He’s dying the beard, L. is wandering about looking much better for the wear. Nothing said about last night save for my “I’m sorry to have disturbed your rest… and… thank you.” “Oh, it’s OK.” (But when I asked the freak if everything is better he said “No.” So… we shall see. – I’m on-line so I have to quick-check. – 22.43 Got on-line checked e-mails, fesses-book. Had a final smoke. B&L in the kitchen when I came back in. Nice chatting. Gee… nothing’s been said about be getting out. I wonder. I just wonder. Oh well… not asking. I’d made a list of “points” I’ve noticed, contemplated talking with both of them. Maybe… maybe not. – Hungry at the moment. There’s a little bit of gin in the jar but no mix. I had a beer before leaving the house. (The phone connection was miserable tonight.) Jacquie should be back tomorrow at some point. Then… off to work she goes. Well… more time for me to be “away” from here. But at least I showered there tonight. How wonderful to just lather and enjoy being clean. I don’t much like the idea of moving into those rooms, but… if that’s to be… it’s to be. Tomorrow morning I’m going to try her washer and dryer. I left my “work” clothes on the back porch. I NEED to file my nails down! They’re turning into claws and bothering me. Well, tomorrow is “garden” day… a bit of “harvesting”. I promised to bring lettuce to the pit. And I’ve got beets over at the house… I’d like to make borscht… but, truth is: IT’S TOO DAMNED HOT TO COOK! – Oh, had a lovely little chat on fesses-book with the guy in Maine. It’s just as hot and humid up there too! This is misery. And from the forecast… it’s going through the net 7 days! – OH! I WASHED THE CAR! WITH MURPHY’S OIL SOAP! It looks so nice! But there’s SO much rust coming back! I need to do a proper job on that. One of these days… The car has to go back to the street tomorrow. – Meanwhile… I need to try for sleep. It’s so hot and muggy. But I’d like to be out of here EARLY… like… around 7.00.

Thu.20.Aug: 6.59 Dragging. I could, if given the opportunity, go right back to sleep and probably sleep the day away. Just before going to sleep last night, a gin and water. Gin does not agree with me. Oh well. Live and learn? Meanwhile, it’s another miserably hot morning. Not too bad out there, but in the room, it’s HOT! And the sun is shining through that hot, golden haze. This is supposed to be the “North”? Warm, yes. But HOT and HUMID? No. – It’s going to be quite the day I suspect. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure the washer over there. There’s really no reason I shouldn’t do the wash here. But, considering the state of this house… and I thought, coming in from my smoke: this place is going to go straight to Hell when the freak leaves. Well… they ask for it, they get it. Time… time will tell all. – I have to get to the loo in a bit and then… OUT of here. – All I can do is hope that I’ll be able to have those rooms… when the time comes… and it will… I’ve no doubt at all. – At least there’s internet this morning. I still have to phone FS! I don’t know what to tell them but I MUST phone them! –
B&L out for the day (Plattsburgh and Alburgh)
chatted with the freak.
we agree Alzheimer’s
talked quite the while cheerie
it still doesn’t get it about moving the shit to the barn. oh well
i brought over squashes and cukes when the 2 returned
i ran for the garden escape!
Jacquie back at about 18.00 i was weeding
helped unload the truck met MaryRose she calls me Brother Jude
BLT for dinner
i brought 3 lettuce to the house for B.
THREE 7 and sprites
MOST amazing talk with Jacquie this evening about her past, child-hood and such.

Fri21.Aug: 2.08 Just g
getting to bed… showered… at the pit. Got in at almost 23.00 “last night’ and chatted with HLS. I’m exhausted!
tired of money. some people provide fresh cucumbers.
all’s well again … for now.
and… it’s raining… lightly… but it’s raining and the humidity has finally broken!!!
L. said that he’s come to hate the concept of money. “We should all live according to the old way: bartering. I give you something and you…. you bring me cucumbers.” I know what that was in reference to, but, I appreciate the sentiment. Apparently, he does appreciate the work I’ve put into the place and such. I just wonder how long that “appreciation” will last… and the cucumbers too. – NOTE NOTE NOTE!!! RECEIVED AN E-MAIL DURING THE DAY, FOR THE 5-YEAR ADDRESS BACK-GROUND CHECK FOR THE PO! YES, IT’S INCONVENIENT TO RECOMMENCE ALL OF THAT, BUT I’M IN THE RUNNING FOR THE PLATTSBURGH OFFICE! I’VE GOT 3 DAYS TO GET THE INFO BACK TO THEM… VIA FAX… AND JACQUIE HAS A FAX MACHINE! AND I HAVE THE NEXT 3 DAYS OVER THERE!!! I’M IN THE RUNNING FOR PLATTSBURGH! I’M IN A “NEW YOUR STATE OF MIND”!!! NOW, THE MIRACLE I NEED SO MUCH IS: THAT THE CAR WILL PROVIDE MY TRANSPORT!!! HELLO… KARMA? I’D LIKE TO ASK A HUGE FVOUR OF YOU!!! – Well, all told, this has been one HELL of a day, and wrapped-up rather well, all things considered. Let us all hope that it remains on a positive aspect… remains through… for quite the while. – 8.47 Just up from morning smoke. It rained through the night, how wonderful. Brought the temperature down a bit. Unfortunately, now it’s a bit too wet to finish mowing the lawn. But it’s a nice break from the oppressive heat. – I’m a shade of a bit hung over from the drinking last night. Still, that was worth it, considering the chats of the early hours this morning. I just hope that L. maintains his good humour for a while. – 21.49 ALONE IN THE HOUSE! The car’s gone. The dogs are here. Nobody’s in the place. I wonder… Did the freak actually go to the shelter as he threatened? I don’t know. I can’t know. Oh well… It’ll become when it becomes. – Today? Went to Jacquie’s at about 10.15… she faxed her ordered, I sent an e-mail to her company asking for a “spread-sheet”. She had lunch. And by about noon she was gone. I went to the garden to weed… at long, LONG last and weeded, with music, until almost 20.00 when I brought Hallie back into the house, gave last dose of TAB to the eye and dinner. HAH! Looks like it’s being taken for granted that I’ll be there from now on. Imagine… Ca ce peut tu? Well then. – “Lunch” was a few pancakes from the little Bisquick that was there. And a squash. I really wasn’t “hungry” until after my shower (and after Hallie puked on the kitchen floor). – Oh.. I DID get that form into the USPS… the 5-year back-ground thing. I hope it goes through well… I actually faxed from Jacquie’s machine. I can only hope now. – I’m running out of money to put gas into the car but tomorrow, I’m planning on a trip to Richford for some smokes, etc. – This evening, I treated me to a gin and tonic… light, but enough… I hope. Of course, when (if) they come back in the middle of the night, I’ll be rudely awakened anyway. Damned fucking dogs. No more places with pets. – I’m in a “New York State of mind”. – Well… I feel terribly about leaving Hallie alone but I’ll try to get over there early in the morning tomorrow. It’s supposed to be “clear” weather and there’s a LOT to weed! Those brats up-stairs at Jacquie’s are irresponsible. They don’t weed, but the Kayla was grabbing peas this evening. The lawn still needs mowing and there’s weed-wacking to be done. But… that’s none of my business. I too, need to mow the rest of the lawn here tomorrow as well… will do in the morning before it gets hot again. – Oh… and I tied-back the hollyhocks out front too. “On request”, as it were. No trouble, really. – Off to the soc.med. for a bit and then to try to sleep. I wonder why nobody left a note… Not that I’d expect such consideration. – Tomorrow… 27 years. – 24.14 They got back at about 22.45… they and their Eric went to the movie show. How charming. And L. is all “manic” still. There’s going to be a fall… Oh well…

Sat.22.Aug: 27 years ago… at 10.30. – 8.24 I’m up, the pit is up… just had smoke with B. – Coolish morn. – Need to get out though. L. is pissed with the phone… again… and all turns “normal” again. – 24.38 (Tue.1.Sep.09.45) Well… oddly and kindly enough, I went over to the garden to get at the weeds which NEED pulling and as I stood there, getting me “psyched” to work… of all things… a tiny HUMMINGBIRD came in, perched on the top of one of the tomato cages and watched me for a few long moments! Talk about a lovely and beautiful way to start a day! – As it turned out, I did weed… ALL DAY! And it’s not finished… it’s been TOO long since that garden got attended, and there’s a LOT of work to be done! But at least it keeps me busy… and my mind occupied with things that won’t destroy me… slowly and painfully. – I planted another 3 rows of radishes today too. They’re close and thick but can be thinned as time goes… if they take… weather granting. – I MADE BORSCHT TODAY TOO! GOT KOSHER SALT, AN ONION AND VINEGAR AT THE MARKET, COOKED, PEELED AND CUBED THE BEETS, ADDED THE CUCUMBER (AND SOME LEFT-OVER SQUASH JUST BECAUSE IT WAS THERE), A DASH OF SUGAR, SALT AND PEPPER AND…. IT’S NOT BAD AT ALL! Left it in bowls to cool for tomorrow. I’ll store it in some coffee jars… – It seems Kailah has taken all of the beans and peas. When I told Jacquie this evening (on the phone) she was quite pissed! “Those are OURS!” she said. Me? I don’t much give a shit… at least the food’s not going to waste (as it does over in the pit). – Just up from last smoke with HLS who is off ALL meds and is bragging about it. With some of that shit, the sudden cut can’t lead to any good. He seems to be feeling much better but… No doubt there’s HELL waiting round the corner. – Tonight it chilly enough to wear a sweat-shirt to bed. Summer’s almost gone… Winter’s comin” on. – Thank you Mama… the day was good.

Sun.23.Aug: 8.44 Up from a smoke. B. in kitchen making French toast. The house is stirring. Slightly cloudy. Cool this morning. My neck is so sore. I can’t help but wonder if it’s an artery. I don’t care, really. – Must get my borscht and to feed Hallie. Responsibilities in the morn. Hopefully… a calm day… Today is what-ever I want it to be…. I can dance in a hurricane, but only if I’m standing in the eye. – 22.47 In bed at last! I didn’t plan on it, I didn’t even want to, really, but I managed to get the lily-bed on the Highgate rd. side of the property (Jacquie’s) cut out and cleaned. I’d gone over at about 10.00, gave Hallie her breakfast and put the borscht into the coffee jars (which I washed, with a touch of bleach). 4 jars… not too much. It looked like more in the bowls and pots. Washed the bowls and put them up, then Hoovered and washed the kitchen floor. I’d gone into the back barn to repair the edging tool and wasn’t going to do much of anything but something made me get up… and so… I did the lily bed and was still doing when Jacquie came home. She didn’t even notice me. When, at 16.00, I went to the house to get a drink of water… she was surprised to see me. Got up and decided to bake the chicken legs that I hadn’t eaten. Well… some-how, Kerry and Jes (now I know how to spell their names) got into the picture and after all that weeding and such, we all went for “a walk” up to the Magnant farm and back. And I was invited to dine chez Kerry and Jes. Jacquie offered the shower, so I came back to the house, got my clothes and went to shower there. FRESH! CLEAN! (OH…. MY SNEAKERS? WORN THROUGH ON THE OUTER RIGHT ONE! HOLE! IRREPARABLE! SOMETHING ELSE TO FALL APART. I TRIED TAPE BUT… NOPE. OH WELL… ONE LESS THING TO THINK ABOUT AS THE WEEKS COME ALONG.) We walked up the road and had a WONDERFUL evening! Even on the walk, Jes and I had all sorts of things to talk about. I honestly don’t really know why B, would say they “felt out of their league”. But then again….. Dinner was filling and wonderful and lasted until about 22.00! I walked Jacquie home and when I came in, I managed to make it up the stairs, un-detected. – Just a moment or so ago, L. called up after B. called him to bed. I DO believe he’s ticked because I said I’m going to bed. Oh well… can’t have everything. Besides… I busted my arse for almost 2, if not 3 weeks… through. I’m exhausted! – Tomorrow… hopefully, I’ll be able to put my “work clothes” into the washer here.. to get them clean… I can only hope. – Hot in the room tonight. Fan on thought. Hopefully I’ll sleep. – 22.58 and I hear voices in the hall… I hope they leave me alone, –

Mon.24.Aug: 7.25 Wash is in the machine. The t-shirt is a MESS! Truly a mess. Had my smoke. And this morning, it being Monday, of course, the ANXIETIES are almost over-whelming. Almost stifling. Monday… And seeing this month doesn’t make matters any better. The position of the sun, the whole idea and notion of “year-end”. Just breath-takingly oppressive. The lily-bed needs to be done. I need a mailing address. I need a job. I need to get the car fixed. I need.. I NEED! Life… what a miserable thing. And now… these days, the worst of all is the fear of falling apart. One of these days I’ll just take care of the situation. One of these days… soon. Must finish the “work” though… leave nothing incomplete. Why? Because… that’s how I am. – 22.52 Well! I trimmed in the flower-bed here by 10.00, then went over to the lily-bed and got right to work on that until I went into the house (Jacquie’s) to check to see if I (and indeed, I had) had left my trimmer there. Not only the trimmer, but the razor as well! WTF is WRONG with me? Anyway, she had some-one there so I went directly to the lily-bed. HEY! I worked until about 18.00 or 19.00 today! Got the length of the bed almost done! Moved lilies, ripped up sod, the works! And today was quite the “chatty” day. Dickie and Darlene came to chat. Some girl walking a Husky told me what a beautiful job I’m doing “in Franklin” since she noticed that I’d done this house and was now working on another one. Even Dickie commented on what I’m doing “for Franklin”. So I said to him “What are you people going to do when I leave?” He said “Maybe she’ll (Jacquie) invite you to stay there.” I told him I want to go back to NY. He wasn’t too thrilled. Imagine… the people who’ve hated me for all these years are suddenly realising. Even Jacquie told me this evening that she’d told Kerry (I have her name right now) and Jes that she couldn’t have managed with-out me. I told her what Ev had said to me at Waubeeka: “I don’t know where you came from or how you came to be with us at a time when we needed you….” And Jacquie concurred. Well… Once again: I’m here when needed… time to go. Move along. When the lilies are done, I could do the front of the house but…. – Tonight we had FALAFEL for dinner! OH OH OH this afternoon we had the BORSCHT for lunch! Jacquie heated hers and I had mine cold… and it was SCRUMPTOUS! REALLY! So between cold borscht and falafel… WHAT A DAY FOR FOOD! – I got in at about 22.00. HLS and B. in bed. HLS awake on the phone. The freak and I chatted a bit and I went and SHOWERED! WOOHOO! – Just up from the last smoke. – I’m a touch sun-burned in the face this evening. – Tomorrow Jacquie wants to do “computer work”… it’s supposed to rain. I can hope for that. The garden needs it. – It was raining a bit for a while but it seems to have gone passed. Too bad. I hope we get more over night. – Now… to browse a touch and try for sleep. I had sugar-water… that should help with sleep. – Tomorrow? Another anxiety day… no doubt.

Tue.25.Aug: 8.17 ANXIETIES! Good morning? – At 1.00 this morning… CRAMPS! I’d fallen asleep on top of the blankets and got a bit chilled. As soon as I got under the covers… CRAMPS! Horrible cramps. My legs seem to be rotting or something. Ever so painful. I don’t understand it. – And it really didn’t rain through the night. This morning, the soil is damp but the road is dry. Not even enough to make any sense, but just enough to make the finishing work on the lilies that much more difficult. Still… I’ll finish it today. FINISH! Why? Because I must. No more, no less. – 21.54
***** PLATTSBURGH TOMORROW – DRUG TEST – PO – PLATTSBURGH TOMORROW *****
Just in. On the bed. SHOWERED. The pit are all in bed… lights out and all. I got to Jacquie’s at about 10.15 and got right to work on the lily-bed… about 2 hours later she came out to put her compost on the bed. A bit of whining because some daffodil bulbs had gotten dug up in the fracas of trying to weed and such. But all said, she is so appreciative of the work. Truly. So at about 12.45 we went in for lunch and to “work on the computer” with her e-mails… and she’s been so fixated on some “work-sheet” that Cecil had for their religious items. Bottom line: I made one. She has one. Next comes teaching her how to use one! And she’s got limited attention and interest. But… I’ll try. – She went to take a nap as I worked on the spread-sheet and just for schintzengiggles, I checked my e-mails and THERE IS WAS! THE NOTICE OF THE DRUG TEST! So I made the whole appointment thing. I have until the 28th BUT… JACQUIE HAD ALREADY PLANNED A TRIP TO PLATTSBURGH TOMORROW for her business AND THE CLINIC IS 1,5mi ALONG THE SAME ROAD! I CAN WALK THAT! (I hope.) WOW! FATE! AND TONIGHT… I’M ON THE WAY TO BEING ON MY WAY BACK TO “THE NORTH COUNTRY”… THE “NICK” COUNTRY! Will the circle, be un-broken… by and by and by and by! ADIRONDACKS HERE I COME! THE RETURN. Hey! I might not “leave” at HOME… but the Adirondacks are good enough for me. (HLS just came… they were all “lights out” and now this. Oh well… smoke.) ANYWAY… it’s not much longer now!!! PLEASE!!!!! – So there… we had dinner, baked beans and cole slaw and went to take Ms. Hallie for a stroll. (I was a stinking mess but…) And, a stop to visit and have tea with Kerry. A stroll back to the house and this evening, I made it into the pit with-out the alarms of the dogs!!!! – Dixie was all bouncy-kissie! Sweet-heart, her. And I’d made it up, showered and into bed! And here I am. – I need to check the clinic hours… and HOPE! – 24.00 had a last smoke with HLS and now it’s time to hope for a night’s sleep with-out cramps!

Wed.26.Aug: 7.36

PLATTSBURGH
I took 2 ASA before bed last night and quite honestly, I don’t remember falling asleep. And slept right through the night! AT LAST! This morning, I’d really like to just sleep some more… catch-up, I suppose. But… PLATTSBURGH! today! The sky is a touch over-cast. Hopefully not enough to cancel the trip. But maybe enough to cancel the “wet dog”. Jacquie wants to take Hallie “swimming”. And there’s something about going to a “mass” over on Isle la Motte. I don’t know. But… these are the concessions one must make for what one wants… and I want to get back to work… and back to NY. I’m “nervous” this morning… but not “anxious”. Nice change. (And I think I smell like “dog”. Oh… to get away from these days of dogs.)
Hopefully today is the beginning of yet another “re-write” of life.
20.50 In bed. Not showered. But I don’t care right now. I don’t feel as though I “need” one, in spite of being int he back seat of the truck all day with “doggie”. – Anyway… it was QUITE the DAY! – I got to Jacquie’s at about 9.15, loaded the truck with the boxes she was taking to “the shrine” and we were off. First stop, on the State Park rd. to pick up a friend (Liz) of hers at an old farm house at the top of the hill with a view of the river valley and the hills beyond! While Jacquie helped Liz out of the house (Jacquie… forever the “Care-Giver”) I couldn’t help but just take it all in! I’d biked down (and up) that hill many times but today I had the chance to simply LOOK and admire. It’s a lovely place here… what a fucking shame that the people are complete arse-holes for the most part. Oh well… “Time to… say good-bye” and hope for the Adirondacks. – Into the truck again and off along the little back roads to Isle la Motte! The trip was really, REALLY nice! Back roads that intersected with the main roads that I’ve been on already. But through more truly pretty country-side! – We passed through Alburg, and across the lake to Isle la Motte and to St. Anne’s Shrine… where, on the “beach” was the view of Champlain and Chazy… New York! and a limited view of… the ADIRONDACKS! Liz and Jacquie attended some Mass for a while and I got to “nanny” Hallie… and give her a bit of a shampoo in the lake… for almost an hour… skipping stones and such. Although the place is a pure delight, the “Catholicism” is un-nerving, and having to care for Hallie bothered me a touch. But… as always, I made the best of it. Poor Hallie… a responsibility, like with most “pets”, left to somebody else. But we both got a lot of pleasure out of the situation. I saw to that. – After the Mass, there was some “reflection” presentation where we sat, listening to some priest go on about statements made by the current Pope. I was hesitant at first, but looked at it as an “education” (not that I give a shit about that much now… at my age… but still…). I was rather interesting to learn that Catholics STILL take no responsibility for just about anything. The presentation was on the matter of “Justice and Mercy” and “judgement”. They’re still preaching that “judgement” is up to “god” alone. But with the matter of “justice and mercy” it distilled to “leaving it up to god”. WOW! Can they ever dodge responsibility! After all these years… and they still follow… blindly, and mindlessly. So, it was “an education”. – Of to lunch. 5,95$ got a sandwich and potato salad. Jacquie offered to cover mine but I got 2 cookies and a coffee (with sugar and half’n’half) on what I had in cash. She’d offered half of her sandwich but I declined. It went to Hallie when we got back to the truck – Well… at about 13.00 we were back on the roads and off to… PLATTSBURGH! When we got to the “Exit 42” on the NORTHWAY… there’s construction going on, the Eastern “Mobil” station has changed to “Irving” and the prices for gas were 30-cents higher than in VT! But it was all of the new building and such! How I remember that being out in “no-where”… the area is BUILDING! – We got onto the NorthWay and headed South and Jacquie said to watch for some signs for some places or something. I happened to look at an over-pass between exists 40 and 39 (and the signs on the NorthWay are now bi-lingual!) and caught “Tom Miller”! So I said to get off at the next exit (39). MALLS! SO MUCH had been built in Plattsburgh! I gave directions, in spite of Jacquie wanting to put the address into her “Garmin”. “Keep heading North.” I said. She doubted me but… BUT when we got to the end of the street, there, at the “T” was the clinic! Could NOT have been more perfect! I got dropped off and told to wait for them to come back, but… – Off they drove… in I went. I’d no sooner completed the form when I got called in! ZIP! Pee’ed… chatted and was out the door… 10 minutes maybe. The lady at reception told me the book-store where Jacquie and Liz were heading was about 15 minutes away… I started walking. No sooner had I gotten on the road, I saw a grey pick-up coming toward me.. I looked at the plate… “VT”. It was them! The store was closed until 29 Aug! Poor Jacquie… Lucky me! So Jacquie suggested going to Aldi’s. I stopped into a business there and asked for directions. “I’m on my home-turf and these are my people. I’ll go in and ask.” I said. Well, with directions, we were off. Across Tom Miller to Prospect to Cornelia to Aldi’s! – Cornelia St. is PACKED with ALL sorts of stores and shopping… one long “strip mall”! My “desolate” Plattsburgh is no longer. Building and business abound! What a shame! But, good to know they’re not dead. – Jacquie and I went into Aldi’s. She paid the soups (2 tins) for HLS and got herself some as well (1,59$ ea.) We stopped at Rite Aid where I got a pack of smokes (at 8,44$, 75-cents off and a 1,00$ coupon for next purchase which I’m sure the store in Fuklin won’t take) and a bottle of VitC (which I’ll be needing, no doubt, for what’s to come with the PO job). I also got asked for ID for the smokes! Hah-hah! And a new “Rite Aid” card. Hello Plattsburgh… NY. – And… we were off again… heading back to VT. – Rouses Point is really cute! I’d like to move there. Champlain is still rather rural. I’ve got my heart set on either of them… even though they’re still rather a distance from Plattsburgh. But maybe I can get a job at a PO in either of them. I can hope. I’m just nervous about the Subaru now. But… NEVER should my life be easy! – When we crossed back into VT, Jacquie said “Goodbye New York.” and I thought “Fukkoff Vermont!” – En route, we stopped in Highgate (a town I hope to never hear mentioned again… beginning soon!) for scratch-feed and then to bring Liz home. – Poor LIZ! Her kids got her a car, used, Cadilac, for some 3200$. It had trouble so she brought it to the garage: head gasket, tie rods, ball joints… another 2k$ in repairs! She’s 80 years old! Needs a car but this is insane! Lie is a fucker! Oh… and she knows the HLS family… from GENERATIONS! We briefly discussed HLS. “He’s a spoiled brat. Always was. And that’s really all you need to say about him.” INDEED! She wouldn’t blame B. if he just up and demanded a divorce and left. (Truth? Neither would anybody else.) – Oh… en route back, Jacquie drove up to the house of the guys at “Tie Dye” in Alburg. She expected me to stop in to talk to them about “re-painting” some sign of theirs but I told her “They’re not MY friends.
And there’s no mention of being paid for the painting work.” so no, I didn’t have anything to say to them. (She agreed that I shouldn’t do the work if I’m not going to get paid.) – OK… Liz back home… we came back to Fuklin where Jacquie got more corn from the garden, gave 4 to Michael and kept 4 for us. We had burger, beans and corn for dinner and the corn is DEELISH! She and I were both exhausted. I’d put the scratch feed into the milk can in the barn, she put the dishes into the washer and after a WONDERFUL DAY… it was an early night. I was back in the pit by about 20.10! I gave HLS the soups. “I’ll get you the money tomorrow.” I told him Jacquie paid. Let’s see when/if the money comes. – I mentioned the corn and immediately “I like it when it’s… “ etc. Meanwhile, all the squash I’d brought over is going old. No more bringing food here, simply to go to waste. Fuck these ingrates! – We had a smoke, I went to the loo and an in the bed, ready to quick-browse and get to sleep! SLEEP! WHAT A DAY! A REALLY NICE DAY! – Closing though: Going to NY will probably mean no more quiet town, rural living, and all that. I can try for the same but… the truth is: I can’t stay here like this in this miserable town with miserable people and truly, I do have some attachment to NY State and the Adirondacks… and maybe I can go back to die… peacefully… in the Adirondacks. That would be rather nice.

Thu.27.Aug: 7.44 I was asleep before 21.00 last night and slept through until about 4.45 this morning. I pondered getting up and starting the day… and went right back to sleep. Had little, “funny” dreams on and off. None that I can recall now, but they were brief and rather silly. I heard B. leave for work, pondered getting up then… and dozed back to sleep until moments ago. Now.. I’ve had my coffee, VitC and smoke and… The morning in over-cast. The only thing on the agenda really, is to help Jacquie with a new lease for the house and she goes off to work today. – I’m excited and anxious about the potential job… and the return to NYS. But that’s just me. Anxious about everything. And I have to get in touch with FS today!!!!! Oh well… must think of something. I worry about the car making the trip to Plattsburgh for an interview… and then, to work! I worry about the hours of the job too. Hopefully they’ll be worth the effort already made. And then… housing. I’m excited about it all too. Things… Life… stupidity. – 10.00 time to get to Jacquie’s. – 21.41 SHOWERED and in bed at last! I got to Jacquie’s at about 10.30… she was receiving bad news about her wood stove… it can’t be used this Winter! Thankfully she’s got a propane heater though. She’s considering a pellet stove now. (And this evening, HLS says “She can’t afford a pellet stove.” Judgemental… oh well…) But no matter what… there’s an investment! Well, we moved on to e-mails and such and then to lunch which was… my borscht, put through a blender and WOW! It was really great! I have to say: I did quite a good job of that. – Next thing… she was off to work and me? I headed out to get gas (now at ,75 tank!) and to Hannaford’s for coffee!!! and some sweets for bed-time. – Did just about nothing other than wash the dishes in the sink. I was SO tired! – Rang her at about 19.30 after giving Hallie her dinner and came back to the house to find everybody except HLS in bed. – *** Ah… comes the shit: HLS has decided that “all the dogs are going”! ALL? Interesting. All… I made no comment. “I know you’ll miss Dixie terribly, but I just can’t stand them any more.” Me? Yes, I will… BUT… TRUTH be told: they, like the cats, will be in better places… no doubt. (“He’s a spoiled brat. Always was.”) I took the 2 out for a while. Dixie got to play Frizbee and poor Ellie is having such trouble moving her bowels these past few days. Yeah… they’ll be better off… as will we all… away from here. Let B. and the freak deal with the shit. – And now for the HORROR OF THE DAY: the squeak in the tyre… it’s now a grind!!! This car HAS to make the trip to the interview AND at least a couple of weeks to work! I have to get 200$ at the very least to have the repair done! MORE ANXIETY! AND… of course… “birthday” week! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ME! – I can’t think about it now… I’ve had my 3 donuts and it’s time to browse and nap. I’ve had a bit of tonic. Hopefully that’ll help with the leg cramps because I have very few aspirin left. – And I MUST call FS tomorrow… MUST MUST MUST!!! – Too much to think about before bed. Time to browse and go to sleep. – 60… WHO the FUCK would have EVER had THIS on the agenda?

Fri.28.Aug:
8.40 Just waking to a sunny, cool morning. Guts wrenching. Mind and soul tormented. The car. This pit. Being here. Worried. Anxious. Horrid. Thinking of the Mr.G’s page. Thinking. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to breathe. I don’t want … “obviously, this is NOT the place I’m supposed to be…” – Another morning. – 23.59 (Catching up on Tue.1.Sep.08.30) I got over to the house and to Hallie at about 10.30 this morning and rather lolled about the house, even to the point of sitting at the kitchen table with my face in my hands until almost 14.00. Then, as my usual method of distraction and avoidance of the depressions at hand, I went out to clear and clean that area behind the “telephone company shed” in the back yard. There’s a LOT of work in that area! So much shit in the weeds: old metal roofing, paint cans, a lawn mower… etc. But Kailah actually helped me! I loaded the metal (scrap) onto the little trailer and she helped me pull it back to the drive-way where it was! THAT, to me, was SO wonderful! Imagine… somebody HELPING ME! (Frightening.) – So… when I finished for the day (because the sun was dropping in the sky and I was EXHAUSTED….) back into the house to find… left-over baked beans… so I added a bit of cheese, plopped some olive oil and butter into a skillet and that’s what was for “meal” today. I could have added veggies from the garden but… too tired, too lazy, too “not enough care”. – Got to wash my jeans AND work clothes at the house today. I wore the jeans back to the pit and left the work-clothes in the dryer at the house… I’ll be back there tomorrow anyway and I’ll change into them and get back to the chores. – Got back to the pit round about 21.00 after the 20.00 “Call-in” to Jacquie. “Their Eric” was here an they were all int he parlour when I arrived. I popped my head into compliment B. on his progress on the wood-shed and HLS sits there, on the reclining throne and with a glint in the eye and a smile on the face announced “Hallie came over here today and I gave her one sharp kick to the rear end” I merely said “*I* don’t need to know this!” “Well, I’ve put up with shit in this town for 45 years and I’m at the end of it.” says the lardfag. “I dismiss things and people that bother me.” I replies and came to the room for a bit. – Later, when I went out for a smoke, B. came out and asked if I have any ideas as to how to get HLS tested for Alzheimer’s. “I know you didn’t need to hear that about Hallie, but there’s something wrong with him. He stopped all his meds weeks ago and he’s like reverting to his child-hood.” It was my opportunity to point out the possibilities for future: He (B) goes to work and HLS is in the house alone… either passed out, injured or burning the place to the ground. I also had the opportunity to comment on the “past” that I know now. I told him that people in town are wondering how he’s managing to stay in this situation and that I know HLS had been spoiled rotten all through life AND that Pennyfuckingidiot is a BAD input. I just put it ALL out in the open for him to ponder… Not that I particularly give a shit at this point. I’ve been, am and will be spoken of as a piece of worthlessness. But. that’s the way it goes. – So… B. got the second floor off the “wood-shed” today and the freak cleared the lumber to the wood-pile! Ca ce peut tu? It really is quite amazing work that B’s doing back there. Really. – OH OH OH!!!!! I GOT THE MR’S G’S PAGE ON THE FESSES-BOOK TODAY! I AM SO THRILLED ! IT’S BEGINNING! I’M BRINGING G’S TO THE WORLD! I HAVE TO DO THE “MUSIC LIST” NOW BUT I PUT “O’JAY’S – LOVE TRAIN” UP TO BEGIN! MY LITTLE HAPPINESS IN LIFE… AND ANOTHER “TRUTH” RISES TO THE WORLD! I wish I had my old photos… but you know what? Karma has addressed much… and will address more. – Well, it’s late, and time for a quick “browse” and then to bed. I need to finish Jacquie’s tomorrow and to mow the lawn here at the pit. I just never have time to “settle”… do nothing… just “not do”. Today, Michael… over to Jacquie’s, told me that he thought I was “all of 50”. Isn’t that charming? Yeah… I’m charmed.

Sat.29.Aug: 7.52 Another night of cramps. And a morning of “Sugar Hang-over” from all the frosting I ate yesterday (half the container). The “chambre” door down the hall has been closed all night, oh my. And me? I’m about ready to head out the door already to finish the back yard at Jacquie’s. There’s also a bit of lawn to me mowed here at the pit as well. Work… always work. 7 days/week. And I’m still moving along. I’d really like to go back to sleep but… I feel feverish, but the barn thermo reads 50F. And cars across the road are wet from dew… it’s “that” time of year. Alas… – This morning, I recalled last year “Would you like to come home for your birthday?” Right… A week of working there too. I’m good for “work” and not much else… 60 years of it. Work… Oh well… not much longer now… not much longer at all… Burn this body right to cinders. That’s the way. And maybe, when I go for the interview in NY… BOOM! And gone. Who cares? Really… Who? Not I, to be sure. – 20.58 ON the bed AT LAST! It was a full day … of work … again … as usual. I jolted out the door at about 9.30 and headed over to give Ms. Hallie her breakfast and get right back to the cleaning in Jacquie’s yard. HOURS of cleaning. But, the area is now clean enough to be mowed. NOT, mind, that anybody even tried to do that over there. Those kids up-stairs are… kids…typical. Bullshit. But MY work is complete. AND I even made time to get back to the pit, weeded (lightly) B’s lilies and put compost on them, then as B. and the freak diddled with the wood-shed project, I moved the swing and table (alone), mowed that, then mowed the front of the house… and left after chatting a touch. B’s REALLY doing quite an impressive job on that weed-shed and it’s almost completely un-attached! He even jacked the porch up so that there’s no more “give” to it! Impressive shit! So I went back to Jacquie’s where, for dinner (meal) I had the left-over baked beans which I mixed with cole slaw. And then, fried 3 eggs and had a samich. So I’ve eaten… to say so. Did the dishes and cleaned a bit round the green-house as well. MY work is quite good! – Tossed my work clothes into the washer with Lysol which didn’t really clean anything much. I SHOWERED there and tossed the clothes into the dryer. By 20.00 when it was time to “call-in”, the clothes were dry enough. I chatted briefly with Jacquie, who pays little attention to what I say anyway and a little while ago, I came back to the pit to find…. nobody here. I’m not complaining, other than the fact that the mutts will howl when they return and I’m not in the mood for such bullshit. – OH! YESTERDY, THE PM FROM PLATSBURGH PHONED! WANTED TO SET AN APPOINTMENT FOR MONDAY! I’LL HAVE TO PHONE HER ON MONDAY AND HOPE! (Hope for an interview… and hope that the car will make the trip!) Now, I’m on my way out of this state and I’m a touch nervous. But… I’ve done this shit before… I can do it again. – That said, I’m having a light (or “normal”) vodka-tonic as I type. Tonight I bid “Farewell” to my 50’s. Fond? HELL NO! I NEVER wanted to get to this age. But I MUST say that when I went to brush my teeth just now (for the first time in AGES), I looked at “me”… NOT BAD FOR 60 YEARS! NO BAD AT ALL! Hard… (and I mean HARD) work all my life and my body looks OK. I’ve got HORRID pain in the left side of my neck and head. I wonder if there isn’t some hardening of an artery or infection or something. But I don’t truly care. It’s not keeping me from working… HARD LABOUR. So, it makes no difference. But I keep wondering WHY the FUCK am I STILL here?!?!?!? 60 bloody-fucking years of this shit! And today, my “life” is no better than it’s ever been. Fuck me! But this evening, as I worked at Jacquie’s, listening to the music of G’s, and pondering the FB page I thought: IF there’s some place or state of “Heaven”, I KNOW I’m worthy of that AND what would be great, what would be “Heaven” for me would be my first night with Denis Nixon in the back of that Pinto… and every day being the best of times at G’s. How wonderful would THAT be?!?! I will hope… it’s all that I can do. And… the sooner the better. I’m MORE MORE MORE than “ready”. – Well, I’m going to check my music list for what I have on the iPod for G’s and then post a list of the juke-box to the page. It’s all I can do these days. One note though: MY page is already Nr.1 on “Gogle”! A search for “Mr. G’s Roundhill Lodge” brings MY page! G’s lives! (So I can stop doing that soon.) –

Sun.30.Aug: 00.13 FUK I NEED SOME WAY TO GET OUT AND AWAY!
8.31 Sunny, a bit of cloud, ban thermo reads 60F. I’m a bit clammy. Couldn’t keep my eyes open shortly after that comment here so I just turned everything off and… slept through the night… even the alarm this morning. Had a bit of a DREAM:
I was in some kind of “office” building with glass walls, by the ocean shore. It was “Summer” at the time but I looked out the window and the beach and everything was covered in SNOW! About 30cm deep! I was DELIGHTED and headed out to the beach… sobbing… literally SOBBING! I wanted, SO MUCH to just lay in it. I was SO SO HAPPY! But I woke before I got the chance to lay in it. – Snow? I wonder what that means? – Now I’m off to arrange the “play list” for the G’s page and then over to serve Ms. Hallie her breakfast. – I’ve got responsibilities… and I have to figure how to phone the PO tomorrow… and how the actual fuck I’m going to get there. 60 years of this uncertainty shit. Oh well… not too many more years to go… I shouldn’t think. – 10.56 Just back from giving Ms. Hallie her breakfast (and a treat)… Adam was at the house, clearing the un-planted part of the garden… and Michael, Kailah and Patrick came out… Patrick was talking about somebody dying… come to find out… Lily, their 10-week old puppy, died yesterday. Say’s Michael, he’d just given her a “vaccination” and she was panting… then started walking strangely… brought up blood (“from her lungs”) and died. Why HER? Why not ME? I HATE HATE HATE THIS WORLD! HATE HATE HATE THIS LIFE! JUST HATE! HATE! HATE! – Well… I started the “Play-list” on the G’s page… I’m back in the pit… to complete what I have. I can’t remember SO much of the music I want to include on it, but maybe I’ll luck out and SOMEBODY from those days will find the page and add… it’ll be interesting to see who… IF anybody… anybody… anybody….. Or, have I actually out-lived… am I “the end of the line”? – 12.54 Well… at least for now… as much as I can recall… the G’s “play-list” is done! I’m rather pooped… form doing nothing but copy-paste. But… I’m off to let Ms. Hallie back out! – 18.43 Just waiting for the Gattuso noodles to “soak” at room temp. In from a few hours sitting on the swing out back, SINGING and playing Frizbee with Dixie. It’s been wonderful, weather-wise. (And I think Jacquie’s just back but I came in because I’m a little rather hungry at the moment.) They had meat on the grill and much veggies. I brought over about 4lbs of beans, several heads of lettuce, about 13 nice size carrots, cucumbers and 7 ears of corn. B. thanked me for them. HLS just commented “OH! Cucumbers. I’m just about out.” Fucktard. – No mention of birthday. Not that I thought there’d be any. It makes it all that much easier to pass the day. 60. Nobody did anything for my 30th, 45th, 50th, 55th and now… nothing for my 60th. Although, Jacquie did say she’d like to go to Montréal tomorrow. But I have to phone and see if I might get an interview for Plattsburgh. If the hours are civil, I’ll take it… I’ll have to see what they are. Hopefully… (silly me… hope). – Anyway, now to try and eat the noodles, there are PopTarts for after and one “civil” vodka-tonic… to celebrate. – Hey… the G’s page is done as for now. I want to add more music too and perhaps some shots (from fucking Google since MY photos are gone… there will always be that anger…) of the area. But I’m happy knowing it will not be forgotten… and other people can participate in the page. G’s…. forever… and now on the Internet! – 22.47 And so the day is over. I am “officially” 60 years of age… and NOT happy about it at all. – Round about 20.00 or so, I was sitting. nodding-off at the desk and Jacquie came and rang the door-bell! The dogs went ballistic! I ignored. The freak came to the door quietly. I ignored. I heard Jacquie say something about “an early evening” and “I’m sorry.” Later, when I went for a smoke, the freak whines about the dogs, telling me that Jacquie rang the bell and that HLS told her that I was asleep. I can’t wait to hear the details. Good. I hope she now knows what being in this pit is like. I just wasn’t in the mood at the time for any company or stories or being with somebody who really pays little attention to anything I say. I’m just really tired of it. And tired of this shit here as well. I really MUST attempt an interview and tonight I can only HOPE that the hours will make the job worth the effort. What to do about the car is another dilemma. But DILEMMA is my existence. – On the Internet… I happened to check the Nbg Voy and somebody posted a birthday message to me there! With love from Dorothy and folks in Oz? WTF is that supposed to mean? And who the fuck posted it? The IP is Verizon… in Georgia! WHO? Oh well… makes no difference anyway.

And so, food today was the noodles and some frosting and PopTarts. Nice “celebration”. After, a rather light vodka-tonic with the left-over vodka. – I checked my CIBC account. 4$ and change. Not good. But at least I checked and I didn’t try to go get a pack of smokes. I’m pondering quitting… to rather ensure no more than another 5 years. Pondering… It’s time to get out of this anyway. Truly… time. – Well… no shower tonight. None really needed, to be honest. Tomorrow, Jacquie will want to go to Montreal… I won’t want to… especially if I have an interview in Plattsburgh. OH! That the car will make the trip… ROUND trip… for now. And I’ll have to figure how to get to work, and how to afford a place to stay over there for the beginning time. And I wonder if it’s all worth the trouble. – Well… the freaks got their dinner tonight… you’re welcome. I’ve done what I should… that’s what counts. At the end of the day, I can say that I did the best I could with what I had. Hey! Jacquie’s lawn got mowed today too! Her place is looking OK. So, OTHERS got attended… Me? Not so much. But that’s the way it is… the way it is. At the very least, the G’s page is running. – OH! At about 20.30 or so, HLS comes to the door (after I’d gone for my smoke) to ask if I was going for a smoke. As if I’d want to chat with that thing after the maltreatment of Jacquie! Honestly… there isn’t a trace of an iota of sense in this place. It’s like being in a house of retards… and I MUST remedy that… SOON! – Hoping for a night of sleep with-out cramps and a brilliant and sharp rising in the morning. I need to phone the PO and FS. And if there’s any “little something” coming from Jacquie (which I doubt now), a new POB… sadly… in Fuklin… some-how… I need something with this address on it… or… to get away with using the ID with the Richford address… Maybe I’ll print something with Jacquie’s address on it… and hope for the best. If so, it’ll have to be done in the morning… when Rachel isn’t there? We shall see what happens. I KNOW nothing will be easy… nothing ever is… it won’t change now. But no sense in worrying about it tonight. Tonight, I need to get a nap and be fresh for the morning… – My chest hurts again. I “pulled” something as I sat in the swing. The left “lung” again. Oh well… 60… time to fall apart… indeed.

***** Mon.31.Aug:

*** HOME ***

7.32 The sky is clouding over with dark clouds this morning and I’m sitting at the little desk… after only about 4 hours sleep… if that. The PAIN in the chest again. It kept me awake most of the night. So much for the night of restful and refreshing sleep. Of course…. this is the way things go for me. Of course. And there’s the call to Plattsburgh… the drive to Plattsburgh… I need to contact FS… it’s the end of the month. Let’s just compound everything possible today. Why not? Eh? Me… this is the way things go. –
23.44 WHAT AN INCREDIBLE INCREDIBLE DAY!!!! I dropped by Jacquie’s this morning, never expecting her to truly want to head to Montréal. It was about 10.00 when I got there and I told her that I had to come back to phone the PO (and told her it was Plattsburgh) at 11.00. So we reviewed the new lease for the house, I modified and printed and came back to the pit. – Phoned the PlattsburghPO, left a message for Sharon who was “in a meeting” (interview, no doubt) and hopped into the shower just in case. WELL! When I got back to the house, Jacquie was ready to go! (Catching this up on Tue.1.Sep.08.50) She’d been in getting cleaned and dressed and all ready to hit the road! Me? I was still almost hoping we wouldn’t but… WE DID! Into the truck and up the road to Morses Line and… across the ch. St-Armand to the 133 and…. UP THE 35 to the 10 to the 15 (Decarie) to St-Mary’s and… l’ORATOIRE ST-JOSEPH! It’s been YEARS since I’d been there last and we stopped to use the loo… in the little cafeteria where, SO many years ago, Rolande had taken me for frites! A circle… another “circle” of time and place! We parked the truck there (for a “donation” of 5$) and Jacquie knew where the metro station is! It was WONDERFUL being with somebody who KNEW the area… KNOWS my HOME! She paid the 2 fares… that she let ME ask for… 3,25$ EACH these days! And we were on the Blue Line and off to change to the Orange Line at… Jean Talon! How odd to tell of how I knew the area, George and Anna there, Viv not too far away and JARRY… “my old neighbourhood”! She suggested that I stop to see somebody but I’m no longer sure about what kind of reception I’d receive at George/Anna’s and Viv was at work and besides, I don’t want to see her (again). So we went along to Champs de Mars and the Palais des Congres… where, just 2 years ago, Silas and I had parked when we went to China-town for HIS birthday. – At the Palais des Congres, there was an exhibit of the “Cysteine Chapel” that Jacquie had been hearing about on the radio. Almost 21$ EACH to get to see that! But it was photos, blown to “life-size” hanging, and I have to say, it was rather interesting to see… especially Michelangelo’s depiction of Noah’s sons finding him naked. (I happened to note that Michelangelo depicted one son with what seems to be an erection. “The plot thickens”… so would say Kendall. And follows along the implications of Rabbi Lewis on the story. Hmmm….) Well… we were in there for almost 2 hours! When we left, we strolled down to le Vieux. How wonderful again, to be with somebody who knows where we were and is as comfortable there as I. We talked, we walked. We enjoyed. It was a beautiful day… breeze, warm, just comfortable. There were people about, but not too many. We finally settled in at a place called “Gaspar” on rue de la Commune… on the water-front. The water-front is SO built up! The city has poured MUCH money into making it beautiful! And how GERAT to talk with somebody who has history in Montréal as well as I do… and round about the same time-period… the 1980’s! WOW! For me, it was as if we’d both been there together at that time. And oh how we talked and chatted… French and English! Just magnificent! (To think…. I had to wait 60 years for this moment.) Well… we had fish and chips and a beer and as we were having coffee (a GREAT coffee at that) a waitress came to the table with a bowl of assorted sorbet and a sparkler… FOR MY BIRTHDAY! NEVER… NEVER BEFORE HAD THIS HAPPENED!!!! NEVER!!! And I KNOW I must have turned brilliant red because I was laughing and had a bit of a hot flash! But WELL SHIT! HOW AMAZING! JUST AMAZING! I’d hoped for something “special” on my 50th… nothing… on my 55th… nothing… but on my 60th!!!! *** WOW *** How just wonderful! – The dinner came to 66,69$ with all the taxes and such. 33,35$ each… but the food was, to be honest, quite delicious! And with the current exchange, it probably will be something around 23,45$. WELL worth it, considering we were out-side, ON the St-Lawrence… in Old Montréal! JUST AMAZING… INCREDIBLE! BEAUTIFUL! WONDERFUL! – When we’d done, we strolled back to the Palais des Congres and onto the metro, back to l’Oratoire. It was 20.06 when we got onto the Blue Line so it had to be about 20.15 when we got back to the truck. Ah… I hopped in and we were off and on the streets of HOME again! Same route back tonight… and we both marvelled at the beautiful moon, shining ahead of us for much of the drive! I mean… WELL! I MEAN!!!! It was JUST PERFECT! JUST! – The crossing back at Morses Line was silly when the fellow asked “What was the purpose….” and I said “My birthday.” He looked at the passport and said “Let’s see here… well… happy belated birthday!” and away we went! – Got back to the house, let Hallie out for a bit and I came back to the pit at about 22.00 to find HLS wide awake, music blasting in the parlour, lights on all over the place! When I told him that Jacquie and I had gone to MTL… for my birthday: “Was TODAY your birthday?” (Yesterday) “I wish we’d have known! We could have done something!” (This was a rather BIG one.) “The big 5-oh?” (the big 6-oh.) “Oh…” As if…. “we could have done something”… just like LAST year when Viv came to get me and he told her “We always like to do something special for these occasions.” BOLLOCKS… TWAT-BOLLOCKS. Oh well… We agreed to go for a smoke (which I really can’t afford right now, being down to … almost none but…) – B. came down. He’d smashed his thumb today, putting up a bit of railing on the back porch and repairing the “hole”. He’d even poked it to release some of the pressure. OUCH! Even MY hands hurt in sympathy! So, he popped into the parlour briefly and HLS and I went for a brief smoke when I was told “I have to get in. He’s been bothering me almost every 10 minutes all evening. This is one of the reasons I really didn’t want a relationship situation. I have no ‘alone time’.” Hey… fuktard… you have a “husband”… “alone time” my fucking nuts. NEVER… EVER… NEVER thankful for ANYTHING! This place has SO gotten to me! – Well… smoke over and done, me up to the room… into bed and HOPEFULLY to sleep well enough through the night to make up for all the sleep I didn’t get last night! – WHAT AN INCREDIBLE DAY!!!!! JUST INCREDIBLE! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU JACQUIE! THANK YOU SO SO SO SO MUCH! – And what an end not only to the “old year” of mine, but the month of August… and essentially… the Summer.