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(I’d put this image on this page before leaving the 802, so I’m leaving it here. To think… I’ve left NYC, come to VT, returned to NYC and again, returned to VT! – 30Jun13:9.40)
Wed.1.May: 8.11 train
tired
miserable
good weather
Eddy and Francisco on earlier train bus
I got to studio before Eddy
21.06 BAD evening! Sugar crash! Very sick! 2 chocolate bars and Coke for lunch. I want to die! Seriously not good at all! Thankfully am in flat alone. Got about an hour “semi nap”. Must NEVER do this again!
Eduardo was a prick today.
Me? Got chomage scanned at Staples.
I NEED to get OUT of NYC soon.
But I think Eddy is in “Like” with me.
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Wed.01.May: STUDIO:br />
9-19 (1hr lunch) - 9hrs 9-14: BRIDMAN - 5hrs 15-19: Chase - 4hrs |
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Thu.02.May: STUDIO: 15(0)19.30 - 4,5hrs Chase: al hours |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
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Journal NYC Thu.2.May 19,49 28th St. Waiting for the N. A most productive day for me. Paid storage for the month this morning. Took Flushing train to Woodside for the 53 bus… memories. Too bad I felt like shit after yesterday’s sugaring! But Woodhaven Blvd again! SO familiar. And the girl who originally rented the storage unit remembered me… by sight! It’s been 3 years! – On to SIBL to send the Appeal document and update the Journal and my Facebook page. Then to make notes on the back of the book cards. It was about 15.00 when I got to work. Yes, I worked until 19.30 too. – Very glad: I do get along with people at the studio… even Gabbie. Relief. – Tired though. I do hate this city and want to get back to Northern VT… soon!!!!! |
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Fri.03.May: STUDIO: 9(,50)17.00 - 7,50hrs. Chase @ 7,5 38 hours / 684$ PAID |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
| Fri.3.May 20.23 Eddy’s. Alone. A 7,5hr eork day AND NO PAYCHEQUE for last week! “NO FUNDS”! What kind of fuck is THIS? – 20.26 Francisco in. – Anyway… The Greatest part of today: I went to TD to see if/how to return to their “good standing” and NEXT CHEQUE will put me “right” with them! (If I get paid!) At last! It’s important now toward getting back to The North Country. Yes… to go HOME… but good banquing will help good travel. – Meanwhile, as grateful as I am to snd for Eddy, every day I become more anxious. Staying some-where for free just isn’t “me”. – Ah… Nr.19… gee, I wonder, last e-mail read “I’m walking away from this. I’m not walking away ftom you.” Yep. But, every day I listen to the music that I shoveled snow to, I close my eyes and am transported back… to The North Country… my “private”, “inner” Peace. – On a note: my lungs are a mess! And walking 6 flights of stairs at work isn’t helping. But… I keep my mouth shut and thoughts and such to my-self. – |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
| Sat.4.May: 23.12 Eddy’s. Exhausted. Showered. – 13.00 bus to Tildrn. Had 413 to my-self! Waldbaums. FoodStamps… no Bustello! Over 50$ in nothing! Bus/train/bus back. – As usual, Francisco in but will NOT answer buzzer so I wait. Eating a whole cake! – I changed kitty litter, washed dishes. – Now, just exhausted! |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
| Sun.5.May: 11.46 Up at about 9.00, straighten my back-pack, cleaned bed-room floor, showered. Fr. did nothing… oh well… E. did say he dors nothing. – Now I’m looking for best route to 413… and OUT! Fr. lingers. I always worry he’ll lock me out of the flat. Always always something to “worry” about. – 14.34 On the Flushing train to Union Sq. with 44 book cards, stupid hope of great distribution, great responses and a gut that wants to burst. This morning’s 413? Oh who knows? Who cares? Just moving… forward… blindly. – I don’t give a fuck. I’m alone. – Daniel Bélanger sings… and the World? Fuck it! – interesting: people looked at the book card, read the title and declined to even accept a card. Apathy… even for info about Homeless people. Yes, humanity is well past its own usefullness. But it was a nice day, weather-wise, and I was out of the flat. – It would have been nicer to have been down by the Mississquoi or having a tea in Sutton. Being hsre is miserable. |
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Mon.06.May: * 2 WEEKS @ EDDY'S * NOW WORK TODAY! SIBL: Updated CV with book & Studio Staples: 4x6 cards for book |
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Tue.07.May: STUDIO at 10.00 but I ruined collars. Porsche from Storage Post call centre: unit available! Left Studio at noon, wnet to Storage post. NO UNIT AVAIL!!! Returned to Studio @ 16.00 Nasty attitude from Wilder. So I offered to repair damages with-out pay. 16.30 Tarianna Storage unit IS available! Wil go Thrus! (I'd gone to library after storage to Yelp, Twitter & BBB) STUDIO: 10-12/16-19.00 - 5 Hours with-out pay |
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Wed.08.May: STUDIO: 9.00(1hr)20.30 - 10,5) *NOT BILLED: I fucked-up the work. I fixed it with "Home Machine" |
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Thu.09.May: STUDIO: Marla: 4,5hrs hand-stitched cushions, pillow cases on Home Machine Argument with Francisco due to advising Eddy to wait for Case Worker! STORAGE!3023!* |
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Fri.10.May: _Housing Court (& DSS) with/for dddy this morning (Woman at DSS told Eddy he needs his Case WOrker @ court & should bring me) _To TD with cheque *TD Chequing RE-ESTABLISHED! _Evening with "Motek" ("Chris says he misses having you around." _"Dined" at Burger King *4,5 hours Billed for work this week (20 hours worked) |
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Sat.11.May: _17.31 Deli: FoodCard didn't work! Cash! _Large luggage to Storage & sort _I emptied cat litter tonight cq:118,68 ep:377,68 |
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Sun.12.May: (I Owe Deli 1,31$) _Removed ALL fm Fagz! DONE! _To storage then to 413 - YES! _* I Left VT on 4.13! _Walked beach to 149. Sang! _Waldbaum's _Beautiful sun-set on (503? 513?) @ 20.16 118/277 |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
| Sun.12.May: 22.38 Temperature went down from 20 to 14 and the wind has picked up! Richford has snow showers in the week’s forecast and except for finances, I am SO ready to go back Home!!! – It was rather a delightful day. Clear. Cool. A late start. But I slept again. Sleep… it does nothing for me. I keep the down-ward spiral no matter what and as I told Schmulik: I have only 2 hours each morning with any energy at all. The rest of the day becomes horribly painfully exhausting. (The wind is actually roaring tonight!) But, I got ALL of my stuff from Brooklyn today!!! Nothing to schlep to storage now! When the money comes in I’m GONE! Even if it means a couple of weeks in BTV! Home! North! And the bloody fuck out of this shit! It’s been a month of “living” EXACTLY as I did in the Shelter! What a raw fuck this has turned-out to be! No key, waiting to be let into the building because the Columbian Divabitch will NOT buzz me in, expecting the eviction, tonight’s hair in my soap (divabitch), and the attitude I tolerate. Although Eddy’s been very sweet. Still… – So… Schmilik loaned me a luggage carrier (blessing!) but the A train went only to Euclid and then to shuttle BUS! Though it wasn’t too bad (since I no longer give a shit about anybody else buy me these days). Still, it slowed me a bit. But ALL is now on ONE place! YES! Home approaches! – Then a stop at Compare Mkt for a quick eat (PopTarts and bottled coffee) and the FoodCard worked fine! Then? To The Rock and 413 where I investigated with MagLight AND the e-visit was GREAT! Handy, but REALLY enjoyable! And not rushed! – As I was leaving 413 it ocurred to me: I left VT on “4/13”! to come TO 413! Melancholy. – I walked the beach this evening, planting Helene’s squash here and there on the western Bakfort. Then walked to the end of Riis for the bus to Waldbaum’s where the FoodCard worked fine again. Breakfast cereal and lunch cold-cuts for ME!! and a fruit salad for dinner which I finished whilst waiting for the Q53 off The Rock (sadly). – I do prefer So. Queens. and HATE No.Queens. But, it’s a place and I’ll be OUT SOON! – The rest is “normal-typical”… But when I got in, Eddy was asleep! 21.30 or so… I showered, came to bed. -Early out of here tomorrow! – 23.13 Ms. Columbia is on the phone… I’m about to pass out. Eddy’s asleep. Day… done. |
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Mon.13.May: 1 MOIS: NYC! _Q3 to SIBL fm. 82nd st. _SIBL: CV: Word & Press _JOB! BTV _TD: Link a/c's to Debit Card @ 32nd st. _Quiet day (No Ed's) @ Studio _Eddy on N train _COLD WEATHER _Homesick _STUDIO: 13-19 6,0hrs 13-14: Tinker Bell 14-19: Dress Mather _Shelter Life Dreamt my back-pack got emptied as I got train-fare on subway! |
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Tue.14.May: STUDIO: 8-10 Fucked-up Again! Went to SIBL Applied BTV job! _On bus @ 6.48 after precious little slept. Both were up until @ least 1.00 this morn. Lights, yelling room-to-room. F. with "Amazing Race" on his lap-top.Br /> _Cold this morn! & no time for BM. Fuck me! Exactly as Shelter! Empty Q53 Woodhaven @ 18.34 83rd coming from storage. It's coming together a little bit. Now all I need is $ and I'm gone. I ate my cold-cuts on the A train again. Shelter life. I think my mind is slipping, not knowing things. Something is dreadfully wrong. Alzheimer's? What? Just not there any more. Depressed. Slipping away. |
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Wed.15.May: LAVAGE to 174-15 = 18! Approx. 14.30 #7 to Storage. This day has passed quickly! Laundry is done & now I go to storage to further sort & re-pack. Sanity comes with focus on returning Home soon! le Cirque is gone fm. Shea. My time to leave is here. Mes gens sont départé. - Something's bad with the (R) index finger. Infection? - Nick got stimmed @ the flat today! Ever so good too! - Eddy confirmed his trust that I will help him where others failed. Fine. - Me? Shit. |
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Thu.16.May: Got to Studio @ 8.00 only Martin there. Basha took over sewing of piping! Industial machine fucked it up. - Frustrated, I left at 10.00 (will bill to noon). Storage for the afternoon. Then, last min (18.30) to Staples. Boxes 8 @ 20$! Just made it to leave the boxes. - No, left. stg. to 413. But found 322! A healthy sti! Boot et al! THEN to Staples. - Still feeling SO much Homeless & NOT belonging here! I DO NOT BELONG HERE! |
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Fri.17.May: * 9.00 Housing Court, Jamaica - for Eddy * We mde it the courts! 8.15! Eddy pd. me a coffee before. Atty for LL was rude, nasty. Refused to listen to me. Stipped to trial for 26 June. Out by 10.00. We both went to flat to change. Eddy to Studio. Me to storage. MUCH RE-PACKING! YAY! To 322 again this eve. HEY! OK! - Walked Tilden @ sun-set. Danced & sang... alone! - Talk with Q22 driver. Consider appl. @ OV? No, "I live in VT." - 6$ for 600 mill Lotto .WTF? - In the flat approx. 23.00. OK. - I still feel like a "visitor". - Told Eddy: I show when needed, do the necessary then disappeaar, move on. - Eduardo "I need him" (@ Studio but won't call) - Sent photo of beach to Silas. He rang back, left no msg. - In constant depression. |
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Sat.18.May: Francisco brought me a coffee this a.m. - Being in the flat = Shelter. - Out @ noon to Staples, Strg. Alone... again! - STORAGE RE-PACKED & INVENTORIED! Ready to go HOME! - Evening with Moe & Ev. Saw Lois & Diane. Lois has read "100 pages" of book. - Late to Eddy's (1 a.m.) |
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Sun.19.May: Day on the bed! Got my phone #s on iPod. Life. Sorted. - Painful R tooth. Headache. Sinuses. Body. - Rainy day. - 18h brushed teeth. 2 plastic deli containers bkfst cereal. Bowls missing fm kitchen. Franc in all day. Spanish music. - Eddy out of flat. |
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Mon.20.May: STUDIO: 9.30-1h-20.30 10hrs Comedy of Errors! 10,5 Comedy of Errors 0.45 Computer blaring in the living-room. Spanish. NO DIFF. FM. SHELTER! I WANT OUT! IT'S THE SHELTER AGAIN! I FUCKING HATE CREATION! FUCKING HATE! TIRED. HUNGRY. SORE THROAT. FUCKING SHIT. REALLY! 10s this a.m. @ the flat. Good shwr. Left approx. 9.00. - EXTREMELY OUT OF O2 THIS MORN. Brain fuzzy. Not good. - Considering ringing Crossings for a room. Need to get North! - Good day @ studio? Spoke briefly with Nanc. A kind voice. - HOME-SICK tonight. Cried on #7. - Stuffy nose, drippy, tired, run-down. Tooth hurts. - 23.15 going to shower. - Novella in living-room. - Oh, I told Schmulik about the conditions here. BAD. - I am reduced to enjoying a breeze created by an arriving train in a dark tunnel beneath the streets of a filthy city. I MUST GET OUT OF HERE!!! |
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Tue.21.May: STUDIO: 8-24 (1hr) ALL NIGHT! Comedy of Errors 15,00 Up @ 5.30 Not feeling well. Scratchy throat. Bad tooth. No time for BM. Quick shower. 25,50 13,50 _______ 39,20 9,50 _______ 48,50 |
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Wed.22.May: STUDIO: 0-13.30 (13,5 hrs) Left Studio at 13.30. 16.00 now on Q53. So tired! Wondering where to go to sleep. HOMELESS! - Went to storage for "Schmulik" (Hebrew) T-shirt then to flat by 17.00. Directly to sleep. Alarm set fm 17.30 to 19.30. F. in quietly closed door. I went back to sleep until 24.00 when E. came in, turned on light. Chatted R/T Studio. I ret'd to sleep. |
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Thu.23.May: STUDIO: 9.30 - 19.00 NO BREAK - 9.50hrs 48,50 = 873 Woke @ 4.40. Up @ 5.30. Shower & out to stg. to bring very last fm. flat. 1 bag clothes, tall. & Shabbat @ flat. - Feeling "Contre-monde" this a.m. - This morn to Studio was difficult with missing the North. Wood-tone on train, trees, the speckled linoleum on the floor, night skies & stars. Difficult to keep from sobbing A thot: Schmulik gave me sweater, &c. He DID love me. - Studio was MISERABLE I painted the wall, put the shelves back up by (Schei) all OK. They'd fallen. Martin bitched relentlessly! Work done TOO WELL AGAIN! - Tonight VODKA! - Told Eddy about: Schmulik said Studio keeps him on due to me being in his flat. "favour". I'm fed up! - Oh NO BREAK at Studio ALL day. At 19.00 I simply left. |
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Fri.24.May: STUDIO: 16-18.00: 2 hrs. Clean-up prep for safe (spinners) Lavage this morning. - Good 10s!! - Shower. - To storage for Schmulik's luggage carrier. Need to get rid of it. No "connection". Just 200$ and done! - Rainy and cold. I feel like shit! - Wilder never told Martin that I didn't bill for time. - Had a vodka-ginger tonight before Eddy got in at approx. 21.00 & we talked until 2.00! |
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Sat:25.May: Hair-cut, beard. - Swept & mopped floors, cleaned loo! - 10s again & shower & hair. - Day in the flat. - Very cold & wet day (14 inches rain) alone. - Web jobs on Craigslist in VT! Must apply. But cars & rooms difficult to find. - 50,50hrs = 909,00$. |
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Sun.26.May: Entire day in bed. Eddy off to early (9.00) meeting and then N.J. Franc is out til Tues. - Tired. Coughing. 10s tho. - Cooked rice & pasta at 20.30. "Food" then to bed. Fucked day. - Twtr tonight. BFD! |
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Mon.27.May: Good weather. Up at 6.00 Internet for a bit. - 9.30 dishes, sweep floors, clean cat box, fresh food. Alberto vomits! I'm fed-up! Nose congested. Difficult to breathe. Cat hair & cockroaches! Fuck me! - 13.00 Bedford Park still feels like home. Valentine has new windows. Took 7 to D to Bedford Pk. Saw Valentine. Walked up Val. Ave. Garden looks good & the wall still looks new! - Walked up to Rochambeau. D at 205 to Fordham, Bx12 to Pehlam. Coffee, donuts & walk thru park to Bay Shore. Next-door neighbour remembered me! She just turned 60! - Rod in door at 1649, waved, NOT friendly & thin & bald, looks horrid. Nobody in Country Club likes Carol... still. - Walked to #6 stn. Q50 bus back to Flushing. - "Halal" falafel on Union. $4. Q13 to flat. Ate. Napped. Cold. Hungry. Homeless. - Twitter tonight. - Bed by 23.00. - Flat empty, quiet, relatively clean. - Alergies BAD lately! - Brief Twitter with Nancy. She has no time. Oh well. - Some xchange today with Ivan. - Everything today still so familar but NOT "home" any more. I miss VT. - Janice Flood. Dart Westphal. Peggy Cotter Margie Bopp. Pookie Prodziack. Jennie. Ida & ____(Irma). Nick Sinhardt. Dotty___, Clark Schokley & Oscar. |
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Tue.28.May: STUDIO: 9.30 (NONE) 18.30 = 9h. 5.Studio 4.Patty Wilson LOCKED OUT OF FLAT! |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
| Tue 28 may 23.20 I’ve been locked out of the flat all evening and no replies to the 2 text msgs sent to Eddy. It was raining, cold. So I went to MMLib to send 5 applications for jobs back in VT. Came back juat momenys ago and am sitting in the lobby. Homeless… Homeless. I tweeted from the library… to Nancy. Not even a teplu from her. Alone. Homeless and Alone. Eddy was at the studio for a couple of hours today. All seemed well-enough. He was well-dressed so I’m thinking he may have come back to change… I keft after Franc this morning… I think. He may have gone out for coffee and rwturned abd when he left, he locjed the top lock inadvertantly. But, in any event, it’s 23.27… going for mid-night, and nobody is in the flat. If the 2 of them are at the “est” meeting they probably won’t be back until 1.00! My day is rather shot tomorrow. I NEED to be strong for 2 more weeks, then get out of this and away from here… FOREVER! If only I could get enough money quicker. – I don’t dare leave the bkdg to get something to eat. If one of them comes snd I’m not here… – Well… If nobody comes by 1.00 I’ll spend the night on the trains and go to the studio at 8.00. This should do well for Mr. Wilder who, just today, suggested that I consider moving back to Bedford Park. On what money? The never think. With Friday’s pay, I’ll have only 1100$ to my name. Not nearly enough to jump. There’s more potential work coming but if I’m going to be locked out it does me no good. I’m sick from this. – But, I put in about 8 hours today, with more tomorriw… and a forecast of storms. So… Hopefully a job will come through in VT and hours will run into over-nights at the studuo abd money will come quickly… then the car and… – 23.38 and still in the lobby. Tired. I’ve got a feeling I’m abandonded. I’ve no peoof other than the one key that I “reside” here. My ID is VT. If I could get a bed tonight, I’d go to the Shelter… but it’s bad weather and the 13.00 bed-check has been done and befs are being assigned at 30th St. Ah… the knowkedge I have… Homeless knowledge. Tonight it’ll be put to good use… on the trains… no doubt. I just hope I don’t arpuse suspicuons and get arrested. |
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Wed.29.May: STUDIO: 13.00 (,50) 19.30 = 6,0 2.Studio 4.Comedy Errors |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
| Wed.29.May: 10.15 The conductor on this Nr7 just came in and said “Good-morning every-one.” How sweet, after my morning. – Eddy finally came at almost 2am! Franc had come back to the flat during the day, and left, locking me out. He wasn’t there when we got in. Then, of course, we had to stay up until 3.00 whilst Eddy did his FuckingFacebook shit. – At 7.00 Alberto(cat) smashed a plate, waking the house. I’m in exhaustiom Hell! And it’s hot and humid. – 12.03 Left the flat at 10. Storage for the jeans and shirt I’d left there for “packing days” and the MetroPhone for the camera. A stop at market for food. Brunch (2 yoghurts) on the RockBlvd A platform. Homeless. I don’t know why I’m bothering to go to the studio at this hour. I might get 4 or 5 hours’ work but I suppose it’s better than nothing. Even 18$ is better than 0$. – I’m SO tired… painfully so. And no word other than Nanc: sorry. So many who “care”. Even words of concern would be appreciated at this point. – The scum here is miserable. I truly, with heart and soul HATE this city! Hell… this is my Hell. – |
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Thu.30.May: STUDIO: 9.00-18.30 No Lunch Electronic Shopping Shelving A/C shopping pic hanging (girl mauch) |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
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Thu.30.May: dead leaf fallen from a family tree i float in time’s wind where-ever it will take me now 20.18 A tiring 9hr day of walking and subway and being the “pack-mule”. Shopping at B&H then Varick St. Then the studio followed by walking with EW to get an air conditioner for the studio which I had to haul on a cart from 23 to 28th in 30-degree heat and humidity. Then more work to be done. No break all day and my upper L tooth/sinus is PAINFUL to exploding! I can’t eat. – Well, seems Francisco is out getting doped and laid. Just up-and-left. Eddy says “friend” in Chi says Franc’s “back on drugs or in gaol” and EW said too that he’s probably back in gaol. Me? Hey! The pompous queen wants it? Just don’t involve me and all will be well. – Tonight I truly cannot care… too, too much pain. |
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Fri.31.May STUDIO: 10-13.00 (0) - 3hrs Comedy 27,50/495 |
| FROM SCATTERED NOTES: |
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Fri.31.May 9.36 Flushing train to studio. Ever so hot this morning and no time for bm. Not feelomg well. No internet in the flat because the bill wasn’t paid. Eddy mentioned the ConEd hasn’t neen paid. Worse than I ever was. And as I think: I had to “save” phone and internet at and for the Studio yesterday… Bills aren’t paid, everybody is ill with something… This whole situation is depressing and disgusting. Thoughts turn to: Almost everybody I’ve met since returning is PosHIV; so far everybody is suffering with some kimd of sickness; even I had a terrible night last… actually laying in bed, intermittently, trying to pull that tooth, gum and palette so swollen (5 hrs sleep all night). Yes… Hell. And now, my guts churn… yesterday, 10 McFukkitz and a shake, then a bit of rice before sleep. What? Nothing in me but… – And heat, humidity, trains, concrete, nasty people, noise, stench, fatige, pain… I can’t even put on some kind of “Oh well”. – Oh, Eddy changed the upper lock last night (Franc) but this morning said to use only bottom lock so as not to lock Franc out. More insanity: change a lock but be sure he has access? But I have both keys now (BFD. No key to bldg.) – Got to work at 10.30 because stalled N train. Almost incredibly: locked in train at QnsboroPlz! Conductor announces that train will be stuck “until further notice” but wouldn’d say why. Dumbass! When I sent the text to EW to explain my tardiess, his reply was, all to simply:.Txt Wilder: “go back to vt” No prob! Done deal. Thanks. Typical. Expected. – 4hrs at work was the “WorkDay”. After, I needed some stationary, &c. and went searching. No Staples! The 42nd and the 6th av. stores are GONE! More of “my” NYC… gone. More reason to get out! But I did get the sub/bus maps to send to Fran, Nanc and (yes) Burton (as a “reminder” of whom he screwed). -But OH! I walked… for HOURS today! – Back in Queens… College Pt Best Buy for a micro-chip adptr. Found envelopes: Target wanted 2$ but I got themat 99cent store. – Stopped for a Coolata at Dunkin Donuts on NorthernBlvd. I was tired, thirsty and the cold drink made the gum/tooth/sinus better… not perfect, but MUCH better. – In the flat by 20.00. Eddy shortly after. Talked until. 1.00 |