Mon.1.Dec: 17.54 and I am having a light v-ton. THAT’S what kind of day it’s been. It started by waking at 5.00 and going back to sleep until 7.00. Then being awake for a while, her ladyshit ensconced on the recliner in the parlour so I didn’t dare to make a light wash. Oh well… Thankfully I have clothes to wear to work. – Ah… work… at about 10.30 Cindy rings: No “interview” today, we’ll make it for another day, she’ll send me an e-mail. HAH! E-mail? Oh wait… it gets better. – Fine, I slowly get me together and by about noon I’m out of here and on the road to the office. I stop at the market for my grinder… being starved already and having only 175 on the FS card for the month… At the market, their card machine doesn’t work! There went 10 of the 20$ that was supposed to go into the tank of the car! Fuck me? Oh no, not yet! – I get into the office and…. NO BLOODY COMPUTER AND A “CASH RETAINED” FROM Ms.D! FUCKALL ANYWAY! 25 minutes on HOLD for the “HelpDesk”, another 30 minutes as they attempt at nothing more than to tell me to do a “Self Diagnostic” which takes 86 minutes. No reports. No paper-work! A customer with a debit card and THAT machine isn’t working! A phone call from the “District”, why are my scanner reports not done? THAT’S not working either! It was THAT kind of day! Can’t sell with cards, cant’ take international mail. I got to the point where I swore it was SABATOGE! And Cindy? She’s giving me shit because the fucking Fuklin office ass-wipes are fucking up. Gena doesn’t put her time on the sheet so I don’t know what the fuck is going on with that. The sheets are for the month of OCTOBER and we were in NOVEMBER! Cindy is ALL on my shit (as they say) because *I* need to get the hours and such correct. FUCK ALL! I told her that they’re adults and should be taking care of their own affairs so that I can take care of mine… Didn’t go over well at all. I don’t particularly care. THEY fuck up? THEY get fucked. Not me. Period. – OK then… as for the paper-work that I CAN’T do? Cindy tells me to call it all in to Rachel! Honestly? FUCK again! And the driver tells me that Rachel got fucked with parcels and all sorts of shit today ON TOP OF HAVING TO TRAIN LISA TO TAKE THE OFFICE OVER! THIS is the fucking-fuck-hole PITS! NOBODY in any position of “authority” is doing THEIR job and meanwhile, they’re dumping on the satellite offices! Yeah, well… I’ve got a couple of things up my own sleeves for just such occasions… and they’re all about to rip! – SO… THEN, the day ends… all’s well… I close down, get into the car and notice that it’s rather “dark” in front of the car. I get out… A BLOODY HEAD-LIGHT IS OUT! And NOW… when I don’t have the money to get a new one! HOW CHARMING! OK. Oh well… nothing can be done about that now and thankfully I don’t have much night driving to be done. – I get back to the house and… AND…. some shit-fucker (appropriate considering it’s Fuklin… and the shit-boys here) parks where I’ve been parking. Apparently, the store believes I’m taking THEIR space! So I have to park in front of Bobo’s car! – Yeah…. a new week… a new month… December! I should stuff my arse hole with peanut butter and just wait for the trolls to arrive with the prods… FUCK ME! – I’m having a v-ton… thankfully there’s vodka left! – And for heat… the tea-lights are lit and burning… it’s not COLD in the room, I have bare feet. But… TEA-FUCKING-LIGHTS FOR HEAT! – It’s Monday… it’s December… I’m exhausted! – 18.22 and they’re all with their faces in the trough in the kitchen and me? That one v-ton has taken nicely. I’m ready for sleep. Soon… Just to call this day… ENDED! – 22.03 Too tired to even put on the pyjama-sweats. Day done.

Tue.2.Dec: 5.54 It’s very much like the Shelter days… the bed linens need to be washed but I simply re-made the bed this morning. Had to, I woke to total turmoil. Another party last night and I wasn’t invited. But I dare not put in a wash at this hour because her ladyshit is on the lounge. – Bitter cold this morning. And I wonder about the car starting and running. And, there’s the expense of the new head-light… and the fuse (and the hope that that’s all that’s wrong with the dash lights.) – December… and the end of the year. It’s always been like this. Shit hits the fan at the year’s end. – This morning, the annoyance of the faggot’s spewings and Bobo saying “I don’t know if you said it, or if you did, you said because you wanted to see if it would get back to us…” The fucking instigating in this house. Oh well… nothing can be done about it all now… not yet anyway. And then there’s always “Karma”. – 6 tea-lights on the “heater” this morning. I’ve discovered that they needed to be lower than the dish, to let the air circulate. They warm the “pizza pan” considerably. But, I have this morning to watch and see what happens. I have to smile when I think that I’m allowed a “Heat Assistance”… and what it would do if I put on the form “tea-lights” for the source of fuel. If the authorities only knew… Who am I kidding? The “authorities” don’t give a shit one way or the other. THEY are toasty-warm and well fed. It’s up to me to keep me comfortable… or as comfortable as possible. – It’s very much like the Shelter days. – 17.27 empty house. Out of the office AT 16.30. Paulette (of the Town) was happy to hear the news that I’m in the office now. She actually came to look for me on Wed. last and was disappointed that I wasn’t there. Imagine that! *Cindy phoned today to ask which of the offices in the area I “wanted”. Apparently, I’m IN at THE CREEK! – Now, to figure why, when I cough or sneeze, my head feels like it’s going to explode AND… WHY, I noticed today, I have a “halo” on the left of my eyes, as if I’m looking through a line of water. Blind? Macular degeneration? It would figure… things are going well… things must NEVER go “well”. SOMEthing MUST go WRONG! I need a head-light for the car, gas, a fuse (I hope). I’ll soon need a new alternator. But BLIND? WELL! WHY THE FUCK NOT? EH? Time to keep the BDM handy. – Meanwhile, the house is empty. I wonder WHO is driving the Saab. Frightening to think… and in the dark. And even Bobo’s not in. O well… none of my business. – I’m having my peppermint tea. Hopefully they won’t roll in too late so I can get to sleep. Shame, really, to look forward to sleep so early in the evening… but it beats wracking my brain over waiting for a place OUT of this town to come available… and I NEED to get the actual fuck OUT of this town! – 22.43 THIS has been one INTERESTING evening! I now have my entire USPS records HERE! On the computer! Even back to 1992! Pine Bush, Walker Valley, Cragsmoor! Got them off the PO site! I’m amazed! And rather happy too, now that I have a year/date reference! It’s a bit exciting. – And in honour of the event, it’s snowing… again. Only tonight, unlike last night, it’s “SNOWING” and blustry and the likes and the sort. It’s a WINTER night tonight. As for the room, well, it’s chilly. Not horrid, but chilly. I just put 6 more lights under the pot. These new one burn for only 4 hours. And the pots don’t hold much heat. I’ll be looking for a glazed pot on the next adventure, or one that’s a bit on the thicker side. Still, it’s better than nothing at all. One more of these things in the room should keep the horrid chill out for the colder days and nights to come. Now, if only I could figure a way to get longer-burning candles in this thing. – When I went down for my last smoke, her ladyshit joined me. Already slightly stoned, indeed. But, says s/he, it helps relieve much of the pain. So, perhaps it does and that’s good. I don’t care one way or the other. And we had to chat in the kitchen for a bit. I say “had” because I do what it takes to keep some semblance of “peace” in the house-hold, and as long as the chat doesn’t involve the faggot, all is well. – As for now… I’m under the covers with my last tea at bed-side. The picture of Northern New England tranquillity… hand-made afghan on the bed under the open sleeping bag, tea-lights a-blaze under the terracotta pot, snow blowing out-side the window on this North Country Winter night… and peppermint tea steeping. Ah… if only the tranquil part were so. Soon… very soon… I hope. Tomorrow, if Paulette comes in, I’ll ask her about a place in Sheldon. I don’t like the idea of moving “South”, even if it is only the next village. But at least it won’t be THIS place… and that’s what I need now… NOT this town. – I think I’m going to sleep in the camo’s again tonight. I just don’t feel like putting on the sweats. The linens and the sweats need washing but I don’t know when that’s to happen at this point. So? I’ll be fine. I’m tired enough to fall asleep clothed. – A truck just went down the road and slowed just past the house. I do NOT trust this fucking town. Spiteful in-breeds.

Wed.3.Dec: 6.39 Snow on the ground but the road is clear. I was going to get up and get out to put the trash out and move the car at 5.30. I went down for my smoke. Not in any particular rush. I’ll be out of here by about 10.15 and in the meanwhile, I can still get out and take care of those things. And if they come for the trash early? Too fucking bad. – Meanwhile, I’ve been looking at my “OPF”… noticed that in 1992, just as in 2013, the morons made the gender error on the files and had to correct it. Honestly, people are, in general, stupid. – In other news: It’s chilly in here and I’ve put up the tea-lights again this morning. And I’m tired, and not feeling all too well. Sour stomach, a bit on the “hungry” side, a bit of head-ache. I wonder… Quite honestly, I believe there’s something systemically wrong. Probably some kind of cancer, no doubt. But I’m not going to think much about it nor worry. When the time comes, the time comes. Fuck really… when I check out of this nonsense, it’s one less person this shit-hole country has to support it and one less person these shit-heads in this house have to support them. And me? Peace. – Nice thoughts so early in the morn. – (On Thursday morning.) I was SO tired when I got into the house this evening! I’ve been so tired of late and probably because of all the general shit and the fact that I’m miserable in this town. – This morning, I got to the Fuklin office, got to my e-mails and responded to Cindy’s request for my request for assignment to the Sheldon office! Of course, I’m sure that means nothing, or that I won’t get the office. But, it’s done. – Then, on to Sheldon. Left Fuklin at 11.30 and stopped at the market for food… got in at about noon and began to clean. There was almost NO mail to be delivered! BUT… there’s STILL no computer! This is almost a week now! I’m pissed! – THEN, today, ANOTHER letter for ANOTHER appointment for the PDI! NOW, it’s to be Friday at noon at Sheldon! But, I’m to understand that the union WILL be there. HOWEVER… the letter that arrived: because of my conduct on 26 Dec. 2013 and causing a postal vehicle to strike a mailbox in WELLS on some Oxford Rd.? WTF? SHE’s screwing up! But, this is going to be GOOD, as far as I’m concerned, come Friday… like SHE’s so bloody perfect. I’m supposed to take the pressure and float through… and so too, the rest of us, but SHE can make mistakes? Nah… I don’t believe so. – Anyway, the rest of the day went along quite and rather well and yes, it seems I’m getting along with the town’s folk. Not that that’s any points in my favour, but it makes the day easier to deal with… Now, if only I could get the fucking computer! I’ll just have to become the bastard in this situation and escalate as much as possible. No patience, me. – And all the while, I keep feeling terribly for poo Lisa… stuck in that shit-hole of a shit-pit town in Fuklin… alone. But, I DO suppose: better somebody local than me. – This evening, when I got in at about 17.15, they were all at the trough having spaghetti and… I was invited to partake! Imagine that! But… quite honestly, in spite of my hunger, the more I thought about eating “THEIR” food, the sicker I became… so, when the 2 mistresses-of-the-house left the table, I simply told Jester “You can clean up. I’m going up-stairs.” Fuck that shit! Eat THEIR food? I should think NOT! And so I came to the room, put the 5 tea-lights into the “heater” and settled-in for the night. – Tired… I’m just SO fuckingly miserably tired these days. I don’t know if it’s because of the early darkness, the cold, the general depression of being in this town and this house, the fact that dealing with so much selfishness and stupidity and arrogance is wearing me down… but I’m just SO bloody tired… almost all of the time. – I had little-to-no interest in browsing, journalling or much else this evening, so I rather diddled until it got to be late enough to go to sleep. I tried not to get to sleep too early because I didn’t want to wake too early… but by about 21.30….

Thu.4. Dec: 5.38 For some reason, I woke this morning at 4.00! And here I am, waiting for a bit until… I CAN DO THE WASH! Her ladyshit is in the bed this morning! Timing is good this morning. – 5.54 and almost time to start a wash! Caught-up with yesterday (as mush as I care to) and now… again… I’m tired. – The wind is SLAMMING against the house this morning! Thankfully it’s not a bitter wind. But if I open the door to the room, it whistles where the plexi on the North window isn’t against the window-trim. Oh well… There’s a bit of a chilly air current in the room but there’s 5 tea-lights under the pots and hopefully that will keep SOME of the chill at bay. – I want to go back to sleep… and yet, I don’t. I have to pick up a letter at the Fuklin PO this morning, want to get to the CU to get my 70$ for travel out of the account (and then to get the light for the car and, if they can tell me which one, a fuse too). – I rather feel like shit again this morning. I wonder if there truly isn’t some cancer growing about some-where inside… I wonder… It’s time in my existence for shit to start… and now, as things at work are rather improving, this would be the perfect time for shit. – I’m just sitting here, looking at the front window and watching the plexi bend with the wind that’s coming in, even in spite of the storm windows and the inside windows. STRONG winds this morning. Time to check the météo… Even the house is creaking! – 6.56 LAUNDRY IS IN!!! CLOTHES! AT LAST! As the winds continue to slam against the house. – It’s not “bitter” cold, but it’s chilly in here this morning. And I want to go back to sleep. Tired… So what else is new? – 9.31 LAUNDRY’S DONE! And I’ve napped a bit. And I’m still tired. But… LAUNDRY’S DONE! And I need to be at the Fuklin PO by about 11.00. So? Things are… they are. – 18.52 And I’m tired enough to go to sleep. This is wrong. And if I go to sleep now, I’ll probably be awake again at about mid-night. And that would be wrong. But, it won’t be long before I’ll be asleep, and I don’t really care. – Well, I stopped at the Fuklin PO this morning, got the “certifieds” and briefly chatted with Lisa. I still feel awful about her having that office… alone. But fro the schedule that’s just out, I see she has Saturday off. BUT… Diana will be working a few days at Sheldon next week, and one of those days is FRIDAY so I’ll be stuck with more of her “reserved’ bull-shit! Well? Should all go well, next week will be the last. I can only hope. – I stopped at the market for lunch and got to the office at 12.45… SHshshshsh…. I say nothing to no-one. And the COMPUTER and MONITOR were THERE! So I got right to hooking them up. AT 12.30, Cindy rang for something and in the chat she asked about the computer. I told her it had arrived and she flippantly said “And you’ll have enough time to set it up. Right?” I told her I’d do my best. Of course, by then, I was almost done anyway. But to think: I should simply just hook it up alone. Yeah… this is a matter of working ALONE! Good thing I’m prepared for that. As it turned out, I was done by about 13.30… hooking up and re-packing the old stuff for return shipment and such. DONE! AND IT WORKS! SO… I’m happy (and sad too, to go back to the computer parts of the job. Oh well… it had to happen sooner or later. Now I have so much work to catch-up on and with that has to be done before I leave on Saturday! I suppose I’m happy though… I have a job, and someplace to go to, away from this house, during the day.) – Left at about 16.45 this evening, got back to an empty house (for a matter of moments until Bobo came in). AND I got right to the accounting and such. Even with the new rate, the pay-rise, I STILL clear almost 3$/hr. LESS than the base rate! It pisses me right the fuck off, especially since I keep thinking that I’m working to pay taxes which are going to the likes of the 2 who sit all day, doing nothing. I’m just about fed-thefuck up! – 6 tea lights under the pot this evening and for a while, until the other 2 came back, I had the room door open. It’s still chilly in here BUT the linens and clothes are clean and I’m just under the afghan and sleeping bag with the mattress-warmer on and all should be well tonight! Hopefully tomorrow night I’ll sleep on the clean linens and in the pyjammies. For tonight, it’s camo-pants and hoodie. But I’m fine with that. – The windows are frosted, especially the front South window. It’s COLD out there tonight!

Fri.5.Dec: 7.04 The alarm sounded. I turned it off… and went right back to sleep. Woke at about 6.40. Oh well. There’s still good time to get me together and get me on the road to get my errands done before work. – It’s 55°F in this room this morning. We’re back to the Winter temperatures. And the un-sealed window is frosted. But again, this morning, the afghan saves the night, and the morning. – I’ve head-ache! Sinus or something. Sinus and anxieties and who-knows-what else. Morning. Indeed, it is another day. – Her ladyshit is snoring in the parlour. And I’m thankful for having done all I did yesterday morning… the laundry. It’s done. –
22.42 Well, this morning, in the bright sunshine of this clear day, just as I was about to go into the shower. the faggot got to the loo and, of course, took its time. But I still managed to get in, shower and dressed and left at about 10.00 (which was 30 minutes after the time I’d planned but..) – Half-tank of gas, I drove over to the CU to pull everything but about 21$ and for some reason, I didn’t buy any CAD today! I don’t know why… I had it on my list but I didn’t think of it. Still… I got what I wanted and was out in a jiff. – Mobil High-test to fill the tank at 38$ and some change. Under 40! That tank would be about 80$ to fill from empty! I MUST make certain that I never let it get that low! (That’s what my 5s will be for from now on… gas.) – Across the road to Hannaford’s for… TEAS! and another coffee, PopTarts, and today, a deli-roast-beef and 2 containers of FAGE yoghurt (2% is all they have these days… the shits). I wanted the yoghurt to see if it would help my stomach (it did, as a matter of fact… not perfectly, but it helped). – Next? Across the road to “Advantage Auto”… HEAD-LIGHTS AND FUSES! Now, all I need is a good day to install them. Yes? Yes. And from there… a REALLY casual drive to the office… and I mean “casual” because I didn’t rush. It was only about 11.30 and I wasn’t about to get there too early and have to listen to any more bulls-shit. Well, I arrived in all of about 10 minutes, so I settled-in in the car… IN THE CAR… and pulled out the spoon from the little case I’ve carried with me since The Shelter, and I ate my 2 yoghurts, in front of the office. And SUV pulled in, but the driver didn’t get out. It was David(L). He waited in his car, I finished my yoghurts. I’d only just finished eating and having my smoke when her royal shit pulled in with an older guy in the passenger’s side. Indeed… (I was to learn that HE was the guy who treated me like shit when I had to go to Swanton to use their computer to complete my 16 “courses” between orientation and window treatment (as I call it). ANYway… We all went into the office and stood for a bit. David(L) immediately took my desk and the rest of us stood. Dl asked to talk with me before the “interview” and the other 2 went out-side for a bit. He asked me if I knew what this was all about. I told him no, not until just now. And we read the “charges”:
1. I lied on my time card writing that I’d arrived at 7.00 when I arrived at 7.15
2. “a customer” complained that I’d made an obscene gesture toward Gena behind her back!
I told DL about the coming in early BUT denied the “gesture” completely. He told me it was OK and the other 2 came in. Ms. Thang read from her “script” of questions and accusations and statements. I answered bluntly. She wouldn’t say what “customer” complained but she DID show me what I was accused of gesturing: the hand to the elbow with the middle digit. I mean… REALLY? WAHT THE ACTUAL FUCK? NO TRUTH TO THAT AT ALL! And a “customer” saw it? What the fuck? Fuklin! Fucking HATE this town! Anyway… when the “interview” was done, I added my work ethic statement and it was left at that. – Then… when the “formalities” were done, we got talking about me coming back… and indeed, I will be… on Saturday the 13th… to “my” office. Ms. Thang took the key to the Fuklin office but not my drawer key. “I don’t want anything to do with that key.” she said… in front of all present. But she wants me to bring her the Sheldon key on Monday. Well? That’s fine. I shouldn’t have it anyway and don’t really want to have it, since I’m not on payroll for the 5 days. She talked with DL about her office and he told her that she CANNOT have ME working there, EXCEPT to sort and case mail and nothing more… NOR can she have Rachel there for anything other than the same. But, the ONLY way she could have me working at her office to cover anything other than sort/case is if she re-hired me as a PTF! OR… changed Rachel to a PTF and if she did THAT, she’d have a grievance against her because I have seniority over Rachel and would be the one to be converted first. I, of course, played “Pity The Poor PM” shit but I’m waiting for the bull-shit to roll. And so, they left and DL stayed behind to fill a form: Did I know what the “charges” were before today? Did any of it get discussed before the meeting? Was I given appropriate time to respond? Did I notice anyone taking notes? And when I asked him if this was grounds for termination he flat out said “No” and that, as a matter of fact and contract, it should very well get thrown out completely because she failed to follow protocol. Well then… imagine THAT! I was SO relieved… and SO impressed. And he gave me an address and told me that if I receive ANY sort of correspondence because of this, to send it to him IMMEDIATELY! (There’s a major grievance in the air.) We talked about the “no over-time” situation and he told me that the next time I run into trouble with computers or such, I should get on the phone and tell Ms. Thang that it’s now HER trouble and that I’ve been advised by the union to simply follow the “No Over-time” protocol and leave. Says he, leave the computer and such as is, leave the office as is, lock up the “accountables” and go. Period. Follow her instructions about “no over-time” and the troubles are no longer mine.. they’re her’s. OK then! – Time ran into the 12.30 hour and the office started to get busy so DL left, assuring me that all is fine. – Me? I’m thinking I truly should join the Union and if I’m working 6 days a week and the dues don’t kill me, I will, indeed. – Meanwhile, I’m not very happy about the schedule for my 5 days off: Diana will be in there 3/5 and I’ll follow her on Saturday when I return… and no doubt, there will be all sorts of fuckups. Oh well… If I have to clean-up her mess… there’s going to be right Hell to pay. – As for the day? It was non-stop busy, beginning with 2 Canada parcels. But it was a delight! Truly, a delight. – This evening, Andy came in a bit miffed. Seems he went to the Fuklin office and Lisa forgot all about SUE! So, he had to go back there again! Oh well… poor Lisa… and nobody who should, want’s to understand the HELL that Fuklin office truly is! It truly would be a blessing if the town would simply sink into the core of the planet. – Anyhoo… I left the office at about 17.05 or so this evening (but let nobody know that). – When I got back to the house, I walked in to find the 3 of them “with their faces in the trough.” per usual. – It’s COLD tonight…. – Oh… Her ladyshit gave me a pair of his dad’s boots! They’re “fur” lined and size 12. They’d fit with a double pair of socks. I wonder why I was given them… probably because they expect me to work in the ice and snow again this Winter… NOT UNLESS *I* WANT TO… FUKYOO VERY MUCH INDEEDIE-DOO! – (finishing from notes… 21.29 Saturday night) It was another COLD evening in the room. I spent much time on-line and jotting notes about the day. Tired… always so tired of late! – Tomorrow I don’t have to be in the office until 8.30. Nice… Bad for the hours, but nice not to be in at 7.30 AND NOT TO HAVE TO BE IN THAT FUCKING SHIT-PIT! – The forecast for tomorrow’s weather is bad… sleet and snow and rain ad such. I’m NOT looking forward to that. But… it will be what it will be and that’s all there is to that. – At bed-time: tired, but not TOO tired. – 22.50… time for lights out and to try for a night’s sleep. This day is… DONE and GONE… at last!

Sat.6.Dec: 6.37 DREAMS! STRANGE DREAMS:
– Dark. In some sort of compound or commune for cast-aways. A bit like the beach at Tilden. Night. Beach. We’d been taken by some political army, similar to Nazis. We were all Homeless, living on the beach, in an abandoned beach village. We were being confined there. Darkness all over, save the fires and torches we used to light places, buildings, the streets (which were nothing more than paths in the sands). A young “soldier”, scantily dressed came to a group of us and commanded that we should set-up 7 large structures on the beach. He wanted “entertainment”. The “entertainment” was to be his personal collection of music on some sort of iPod-thing and we were commanded to attend and listen. The “structures” were made of lead pipe, plumbing of sorts. Open rectangles. Nothing to sit on, but something more or less to confine a certain number of people to a certain space. I helped a group drag one onto the “beach”. We got 3 of them there and the “soldier” lounged on the beach, and started the “music”. It was somebody playing a guitar. Just that. A “home-made” recording of somebody playing a guitar. It wasn’t bad, but it was quite amateurish. I laid on the sand, closing my eyes as if truly appreciating it. I had no choice. I HAD to appear to be enjoying it or face punishment. The soldier seemed to be lost in the music, enjoying it, eating something and relaxing. Other people went on about their chores and business. And it was all so dark. The “soldier” was taking a liking for me, either because I appeared to appreciate the music or for “other” reasons. he smiled at me. Then, at one point, I got up and went into one of the abandoned houses, feigning to look for something to make the “concert” more pleasant, and to make the “soldier” more comfortable. In the house, there was remnants of furniture. Wooden rocking chair, a few small tables, a bench on rockers. As I was planning my means of escaping the compound, another “soldier”, short, thin, wearing a black leather coat (Nazi?) came into the room. He smiled and came toward me, leaned on the back of the rocking bench almost causing it to tip forward. I steadied the bench and kindly told him “Be careful, lest you tip this thing over. You might get hurt. Besides, it’ll make a terrible noise and people will wonder what we’re doing in here.” as if to make a joke. He beckoned me over and, sitting on the bench, he looked directly at me and with a large, cynical smile said “Good news! We’ve found your 350 cheques.” I understood him, but used his accent (strange, Eastern-European of sorts) and asked “My 350 ducks? You found my 350 ducks? That IS good news! Now, the question begs to be asked: What are we going to do with 350 ducks? We could eat them, but that would leave us with nothing, or, we could keep them and let them lay eggs which would mean we’d have a steady supply of food.” He just continued to smile at me, in an almost sneering sort of fashion. I realised that something I was keeping secret, for me, had been discovered and I was in a panic, but trying to appear calm… The panic in me rose and…. I woke. (It was about 4.20 this morning.)
-I got up, peed and went back to bed. It was cold in the room. Then came the second dream:
– Newburgh(?) In the OLD area around Dubois and First streets. Not totally dark, but more like late evening/very early morning darkness. I was some-what Homeless, rather living in the car. I’d been out in some back-wood, back-road all night and had to get to work. So I had to come into town to get clothes and take a shower at somebody’s house. I wasn’t completely familiar with the neighbourhood, but I parked the car several streets away from the house and went in. Somebody (it was vague, the who and such… somebody old? Or young and incapacitated? I didn’t know exactly then, in the dream and still can’t recall) was there, needing… NEEDING to the point of my own discomfort and annoyance, some kind of help and WANTING company. And I didn’t have the time! But I was congenial because this person had my clothing and I needed the hospitality. I did something round the house to the point of being late so I didn’t have time to shower, but grabbed some fresh clothes and had to RUN! I RAN through the streets to get back to the car and suddenly… I COULDN’T REMEMBER WHERE I’D PARKED THE CAR! DIDN’T HAVE EVEN A CLUE! I didn’t know the area at all! I started running up and down streets, across streets. just running and looking at ALL of the cars parked at the curbs. Some of them were parked every which way! I couldn’t remember where I’d parked nor in what direction and it all became confusing. Oddly, as I was running, I noticed how soft the soles of my shoes were and how easy they made the running. But I was RUNNING, bounding, top speed, through the streets, in a panic, looking for the car! Suddenly, I was standing beside my car, leaning on it. It was the Subaru. An Hispanic woman had parked beside me on the passenger side. She was in the car with a baby and she was pulling away, backing out of her space and her car rubbed against mine! But she didn’t stop, she didn’t care! I could feel her car rubbing as she pulled away with a defiant expression on her face! I was PISSED and about to look for something to throw through her windshield when… Iwoke… It was about 6.00.
– Well, my stomach is out of sorts this morning. My head is POUNDING with sinus. My back seems to want to go out, I’ve had twinges of sciatica. The centre of the road out front is wet, but clear and there’s snow on the sides of the road. I noticed the temperature in the room at 57. And it’s 7.12 already! Almost time to get ready for work. Ah… work… 6 days/week. BUT… the coming week? None. Hopefully my body will recuperate from the Summer and the biking and the stress and the abuse. My “vacation”… here? Fuck. – 21.52 and it feels like 23.52. The day was a marvel. The car started right up and ran well. It “drizzled” en route to and from work today. Not the horrid weather that was threatened, but cold drizzle. I got to the office at about 8.15ish to find no mail waiting. Rachel rang at about 9.30 or so and asked if I’d finished. I hadn’t even gotten the day’s mail yet! It came at about 9.45. But, I got it all done in a snap. I LOVE that office! And there was just enough work to keep me busy and occupied through the whole of the morning, so it IS a delight to work in that office. I MUST keep it open and running! And, with the help of the town, I will. AND… I checked the computer: I’m IN box 67 now! I have a non-Fuklin addresse and I’m tickled! WHAT a relief! I’ll keep the 212 box open, for Viv to use though… at least until about June anyway. – Leaving the office at about noon (and closing at 11.50 of course), there was a bit of a drizzle. I came right back to the house. OH! This morning, Bobo came out to show me how easily the light bulbs are to change but I’m hoping that I have the right bulbs now. The one’s I have, have a sealed “plug” end. I’ll have to check to see if that’s not just a cover of some sort; I hope so. – Anyway… got back to the house and there was no place to park in front so I had to park in front of Cecil’s!!! (I moved the car to the front of the house, by the mail-box, tonight, before coming up to bed though… tomorrow being Sunday and all.) And when I got in, they were en route to Walmarde and such. HEY! I got the flower pots from the back-barn, brought them in, washed them all nicely, Hoovered the room, set up another heating-pot. Washed the plastic flat-ware (from the Shelter set and such) AND…. actually got some time for a quick 10z. It wasn’t exactly the best, but it served the purpose AND the timing was perfect because I was done and back to tidying the room when “they” returned at about 16.30. – I was NOT invited to dine with them but I was invited to watch some “Planet of the Apes” movie with the 3 of them.. and that much I did. I moved the car after the movie. – And now, the TWO heating pots are going… the large with 5 tea-lights and the small (on the desk) with 3. I don’t know for certain if it’s the fact that I’d kept the door open for the evening, but ICAN say that I’ve just come up from a smoke and coming into the room wasn’t such a shock! Maybe that 2nd heater WILL make a difference. I notice that it gets MUCH hotter than the large one and that the heat radiating from it can be felt in the surrounding air. So? Who’s to say? It will take a few more “experiments”. – I had my raisin bread WITH BUTTER tonight for the only “meal” of the day. It was dee-lish! AND… I’ve just finished a v-ton! And will, most likely, have another. – Jester was quite “chatty” with me when I came up to the room. Stupid faggot…doesn’t realise that I lump IT with the rest of this town… in disgust. – A note: I watched as Bobo paid the TV bill of 115$ from Jester’s card today! As I keep thinking: the faggot lost the best “friend” it could have had. And this little matter? Hopeless. – I’d wanted to shower before bed tonight but didn’t bother. Oh well… and tomorrow? I’ll sleep until I wake up and get out of bed when I damned-well want to. These coming days are me “vacation” days… with pay. Fuck the rest of the world. – Hopefully, during the week, I’ll get to CIBC and open that account up there. – Other-wise… nothing that corresponded with the dreams of last night… to the best of my knowledge. They probably were my brain doing some “cleansing”. It’s been a tough several weeks. – 22.10 time for another v-ton and to try for some sleep… I’m watching the heating pots. They should go out at about midnight. We shall see if I’m still awake when they go. If not… there’s more tea-lights for tomorrow. HEAT! A little of it… but more than none… as was the case last Winter.

Sun.7.Dec: 8.35 No alarms this morning, and I woke at almost 8.00! Slept right through the night. The 2 heaters are already lit, coffee’s done, had my smoke and I looked at the new headlights… 200 hours! That’s all! Shit! Not very impressive, especially since they claim they were made in NH. Well, we shall see how well they do. Hopefully it will be good enough weather today and I will feel well enough to get them replaced and the fuse in and then? I’m hoping that the fuse is all I need for the dash lights. If it’s lights, well… for some reason I’m not in the mood for too much effort on this venture. I’d like to have an oil change, and other things done on the car. I need to find a reliable mechanic… and NOT in Franklin. So there’s research to be done. – Meanwhile… I’m feeling a bit queazy this morning. More than likely because of my “diet” of yesterday. But, I’ve slept… and should have slept more than enough for a day. The coming week will be interesting, to say the least. I’ll have the chance to make wash, keep me together, and do … probably nothing. Oh well… I have a week coming that will be “mine”. Too bad I won’t be going to MTL. I don’t want to force the car on such a trip. Mayhaps I can find a route that won’t force 110km/h speeds. If so… mayhaps… just… mayhaps. – 11.51 And at 10.00, I went back to sleep… and slept for almost another hour. And now? I’m in no particular rush to do much of anything else. To think: in about 4 hours.. darkness again. Short days. Welcome back to the North Country.

Mon.8.Dec: 7.24 I went to bed at almost midnight and woke, on my own, at about 6.30. Feeling “ick”. Still fatigued. Stomach is “off”. Generally “run-down”. I wonder why. I wonder what this is all about. – Well, Day 1 of 5. Let’s see how this runs itself out. It’s bitter cold out there and not much better in this room. I don’t know the actual temperatures, but I can say that it’s “COLD”… out-side and in. – And now? For the day. I have to go to Highgate this morning, to drop the key to the office. From there? We shall see. – 17.52 14° in this shit-hole! 6 lights on the large and 3 on the small and I should have invested the 40$ in a heater when I was in Walmarde! Ah… but the day was… HEAD-ACHE! WOW! I felt like shit all day! And, as it wraps up? I lost the neck part to my lanyard, AND the notes that I had attached to the keys! Including the combo to the safe at the office! FUCK ME! Thankfully there’s nothing on there that would tie the combos to the offices. But fuck me! JUST FUCK ME! – *** PUT THE HEAD-LIGHTS IN THE SUBARU TODAY. LET’S SEE HOW LONG THEY LAST. *** – Got to the Highgate office at 13.00 and gave the key. Now I have to go back on Friday to get it back! I’m putting in for the miles though! Fuck THEM! Rachel’s working over there now, on a “POS”. Oh well, lucky her… not. I headed into St.Allbeans directly to Walmarde to look at heaters. Not cheap and most of them have fans, and I don’t want fans because I don’t want any sound! So I got tea lights instead. FUCK ME! And windshield washer stuff for the Subaru and TarnX for the office. Went across to Radio Shack for a radio for the office. My little Sony is GONE! FUCK NANCY! on this one. And the speakers were ugly and 20$ so I left with nothing. JoAnn’s Fabrics to see about tea-lights… 100 for 13$! FUCK THAT! – To AT&T to pay 47,30$ on my “45$” plan. FUCK THEM! And then… and then… KFC for my 3-piece “meal” and the 3rd piece all but made me sick. FUCK ME! But I finished it and headed back to the house where I had to park in front of Cecil’s again, FUCK THIS TOWN! – At KFC this evening, I suddenly felt quite very much “alone” here. On the Hanna rd. I wondered when did I get so old and alone? Something’s hitting me quite suddenly. – In the parking lot at Walmarde, I noticed rust on the passenger-side door! FUCK ME! I’ll have to address that as soon as the weather permits (just as I have to address the fuse in the car… as soon as the weather permits… at least I have TWO head-lights though). – Ever so tired again. Ever so tired most of the time. Too much thinking, I suppose. – Well… just had an Earl tea and Mae West. I’m sitting on the bed with the table cloth wrapped round me and over my head. I thought I might make the bed tonight… but I”m re-thinking that at the moment. Too tired. – Just in a FUCKALL frame of mind. – (OnTue. morning:) So the day is done… and passed. And I’d completely forgotten that I’d jounralled all of the events of the day. Imagine that. (As I note, it’s Tuesday as I type this… My mind is gone.) For the rest of this evening, I fired-up the pot-heaters, up to 8 in the large one! Yes indeed, it did take the chill out of the room. Not quickly, and not to the point of “tropical”. But it does work quite a bit. I still want a heater though. I’ll need one before this Winter is gone. And, by the time i calculate all the money pissed-away on tea-lights, I’ll have spent MORE on them than I would on a heater. So? – I looked into “Home”, I looked into Rona, Canadian Tire… shit’s MUCH more costly there, so it looks like I’ll be going back to Walmarde. – It bothers me terribly that I lost the lanyard and all the little notes! WHERE? HOW? But there’s no sense in dwelling on it. It’s all gone and needs replacing. I’m just thankful that I remember the combo to the sage and that there are 2 of them on the cards and nothing to tie the info to anyplace specific. But it does bother me to lose something… again. I didn’t lose things like that on the bike. Why, in the car? Oh well. – Some-how, tonight, I was truly ready for sleep rather early but, when, at one point I looked at the clock, it was already passed mid-night!!! Good thing I don’t have to be awake too early in the morning this week. But then too, I notice that I wake round about 7-ish anyway… which is fine, considering I don’t have to be at work until the afternoon. – Wrap this day, call it “History”. It’s done… and there’s nothing that can be done to change any of it.

Tue.9.Dec: 7.49
HOME
There’s a terrible storm in the forecast for today and tomorrow and this morning, the thermo on the barn reads 2°F and it feels warm. I’m awake, having gone to sleep at after midnight, and I woke before the alarm at 7.30. I’d like to get to Bedford for smokes, a lanyard and such. I’d like to get back to Walmarde for a heater. I’m a bit anxious about it all though. I don’t know that the car will take all the travel. There’s always something to stop things… always something. – 17.32 WARMTH!!! CHAUFFAGE!!! I GOT A LITTLE HEATER FOR THE ROOM AND IT WORKS WONDERFULLY! – As for the day here… Indeed, I DID get up and get out and get on the road. Must have been about 11.00-ish when I finally took off and headed HOME. Imagine this: a zippy trip through les douanes as usual. The fellow there told that he’s usually at the St-Armand crossing, so they’re moving the folks round. I joked about the “hole” where the old building used to be, being a pond for the ducks or geese. He says the new facility will be functioning by June. I wonder what it will be like. It would be nice to have 24-hour crossing… and maybe then, if all would go well with the PO, I could rent that little house there, just across the border. As it is now, I could get TO work in the afternoon… during the week, but I couldn’t get back in the evening. And I couldn’t get to work on Saturdays. Well… we shall see… indeed. – At Bedford, I first went up to CIBC to change much cash and made ANOTHER rendez-vous for Thursday (because the weather is supposed to be terrible tomorrow, I didn’t want to chance that… we shall see about that when it comes and goes). Then to the little shoppe for yet another lanyard (and their last, I’m afraid). Because of the weather forecast and my current “stamina” and the head-aches, I didn’t bother to stop to get smokes this trip. Besides, I’ve got to be back on Thursday morning, so there’s time then… I suppose. So imagine this: the trip, for 2,25$CAD. – And yes, indeed, it didn’t bode well at the US Costumes. That was the usual snippy attitude. And he wanted me to open the trunk until I told him I had to open from the seat (I need to get that fixed, I suppose… but in my time, not theirs). It wasn’t TOO bad… just the usual. This country is a pain in the arse, really. What fucking attitude problems these people have. – Anyway… I was shortly on my way to Walmarde… and it was beginning to snow ever so lightly. Actually, it was, as the radio-lady said: “Slutch”. – At the entrance to Walmarde, there was an older man sitting on a chair, in the “slutch”, with a plastic container, asking for money. I was SO prepared to give him at least 5$ on my way out! I went into the store and today, I got the HEATER, a surge protector, a heavier-duty extension cord, and a package of the larger fuses for the car (because the minis are of no use to me… fuck me! of course). But at least now I have a HEATER for the room! There will NOT be another Winter like last! NO more freezing! I’ve taken more than enough of THAT shit! between the freezing in the house and the biking in the rain, and the walking through the ice and snow. NO MORE! (And I note here: I expect some kind of back-lash from the faggot about this… and somebody WILL be getting seriously hurt should that come to pass. Especially now since I’m paying 500$/month into this shit-hole… WITH receipts and paper-trail.) – That said… OUT of the store and into the parking lot for the usual “I can’t remember where the fuck I parked the car!” issues. Seriously, I either need to pay more attention to this or I don’t know what the fuck will happen one day! it’s beginning to bother me. Most of the trouble is that I’m not used to having to remember where I park a car. Then there’s that dream I had a while ago where I couldn’t recall where I’d parked the car. I’m getting SO OLD! – OK. So I had 5$ put to the side to give to the guy sitting at the exit at the light when, as I got to him I saw… he’s FAT! It’s probably wrong in some manner, but FAT just puts me off anymore… especially having been in THIS house for the past year and seeing the cows grazing, and hoarding food, cooking massive quantities and stuffing their fat faces.. and feeding SOME to the “pets” and THROWING SO MUCH FOOD AWAY!!! Seriously? I don’t eat proper food, cooked food… I work my fucking arse off (quite literally, when one thinks seriously about it) and FAT folks want money? Nope! Not MY money! NO! You have enough to get and stay FAT? Figure something out… trade the FAT for the things you think you need now. Then end. – I headed directly to Hannaford’s for… bread, a package of franks (for tomorrow, since I’ll be in the house and not travelling so no eating), PopTarts and some tonic (I keep the tonic on hand for the leg cramps that I’m still having) and a bottle of V8 (for the veggie-needs). – Ah.. and then… and then… AND THEN… I TOOK ME TO McD’s!!!! Took ME out to DINE, as it were. – I have to say, this one in St.Allbeans is quite nice! White staff, clean, contemporary, comfy. The place was just about all but empty, and the staff were delightfully happy, very nice indeed. 2 “big”Macs and a med. fries was about 10$ though! The prices are disgusting! But I wanted “beef” (or, in this case, something close to it.. and not poultry) and something at least “warm” not cold. And this did it. – BUT THEN… as I sat there, at the booth, looking out the window at the Subaru, counting my own blessings and pondering the difficulties of the past.. and the present…
***** I’m not “positive” that this is what happened, but I’m pretty damned sure of it… the Manageresse came from behind the counter with a tray on which there was a container for some hot food (soup or chili or something of the sort), a burger, a pie and a beverage… very nicely and neatly prepared, and she was looking for a woman who’d come in to sit by their “fire-place” to warm up. The Manageresse had prepared a meal for somebody who’d come in from the cold! But the woman had left, apparently. “She was just there by the fire-place. Where’d she go?” the Manageresse asked about. Imagine? COMPASSION! CONCERN! I was so struck by this thatI almost broke down and cried! In this world, these days. There’s STILL a heart and soul! (I even posted the event to the fesses-book, but didn’t say which place, for fear the Manageresse would be reprimanded… and others agreed that it was best not to be too specific, for the very reason. In a world of “Hate”…) But I’ve resolved to visit that place more often. I’ve been SO wonderfully blessed with this car that I now want to pay SO much forward. And… I WILL, indeed, in fact. – The drive back to the house today was quite something, with this in mind. *****
Stopped at the Fuklin PO to check to see if there are any nasty notes as a result of Friday’s little “Interview”. Nothing of the sort.. yet. Chatted a bit with Lisa about the re-structuring to come and where we’ll all “fall” when it’s done. I didn’t dare to spend too much time there… lest I get shit for it. And the UPS truck came… with TEN BAGS of parcels for her… for HER alone! I offered my help and when she said she didn’t need, I left to come to the house… AND BUT YET AGAIN I HAD TO PARK IN FRONT OF CECIL’S! In a town this fucking small, I can’t park AT the house and I don’t dare to leave the car parked there, alone, by the corner. FUCKING SHIT, this place! – ANYway… I DID manage to get my things/purchases into the room UN-SEEN! No little faggot in the kitchen to scan my bags as I entered… and nobody lingering in the hall-ways to “inspect bags and parcels”. HEY HEY HEY!!! YAY! – Immediately in the room, I put in the surge-protector, attached the extension cord and put up the HEATER! It makes a bit of a noise because of the fan, but not TOO bad… and WOW! For a tiny little thing, it didn’t take very long to knock the chill out of the room. It doesn’t blast-furnace the place, but it certainly DOES make it MUCH MUCH more comfortable! HEY! The whole purchase today came to just under 40$! That would be 8 packages of tea-lights which would give me a couple of weeks of a precious little bit of warmth… and if the temperatures get too much colder, THAT won’t be of any good to me… THIS was WELL worth the investment… Although I keep thinking of the heaters, and the clothes that are gone… and THAT keeps me BITTER! BUT THE WARMTH… THE WARMTH… THE WARMTH!!! AT LAST! – I have to note today: this is Day 3 of the terrible head-aches and this evening, such FATIGUE and nausea! I’m actually beginning to wonder what the actual fuck this is all about. Well… my “time” is running down… and perhaps “out”… and I’m quite ready to leave this shit-hole World. So? So… we do what we must for as long as we must and then? Peace… peace… peace. – 17.41 radio on and taking a nap. I just NEED to “nap” a bit… NEED to close my eyes and sleep a bit. NEED to!!! Alarm set for 19.30. I’ll move the car at 20.00 – (On Wednesday morning….) Moved the car at 19.00 because my “nap” wasn’t as long as I’d expected. I’d taken 2 Tylenol with a tea. It seemed to give some relief at long last. So I just got up and moved the car to the front of the house and came back in. – At about 22.00, went down’ for a smoke and it was raining. But in the time it took to come back up the stairs and get back to the bed… the rain changed to SNOW! And did it ever snow! The most amazing part was the time it took to change! Mere moments! WOW! – Left a message for Viv on the Skype this evening. I wonder what she does when she gets home from work these days that she can’t log into Skype. I wonder how things are at the house these days. I still think it’s a shame, the way it turned out up there with her and the guys. I hope it hasn’t ruined their relationship of so many years. Still, I can’t quite get over Dan and his staunch Sep attitudes. That little scene at la Fete just won’t go away. Oh well. I suppose it’s none of my business, really. Still, I hope that things settle well for them all, especially now, over the Winter. – Not so very tired at this point but it’s getting late and even though I’ve no travel planned for tomorrow, I don’t want to spend the better part of the day asleep. Although, my body will probably appreciate the rest that it’s getting… at long… LONG last! – Midnight again! Enough of this day!

Wed.10.Dec: 7.36 And awake. On my own. There’s not as much snow as was forecast lat night. But I happened to notice that (I suppose it was Curtis) the road is plowed ever so close to the cars… mine and her ladyshit’s. I SO want to get the actual fuck out of this town! I wouldn’t put it past any of them to intentionally strike the Subaru. It’s an ugly town, full of the ugliest people. – Up from a smoke. Seems Curtis plowed into the yard. Not to the barn, mind, but seriously? There’s no way to park between the house and the phone co. lest the car be damaged by the snow falling off the roof of the phone co. Why bother plowing? Although, it’s the way to get the garbage out to the street… and of course, we KNOW who will be EXPECTED to to THAT… Of course. – Oh well. – The room is actually quite comfortably warm this morning. I wonder how that happened. Not thinking about it. – And I’ve suddenly become a bit nauseated here. All I had was my morning coffee. I woke feeling OK. Ah… another day. – Plan is to organise the iPod today. Try to clean it up a bit. THAT should take quite a while. For some reason, I don’t much want to. Interesting, because that used to be the kind of thing I enjoyed: order. It’ll be interesting to see what’s left on there, what I lose doing this. I’ll just have to keep notes, pay attention. Oh well, there’s tomorrow morning… and an appointment to keep. Funny… I have no concept of how much time it takes to get to places in a car. I’m still thinking the “2 hour” time slots. – And I’m thinking about how my body seems to be breaking-down… especially my mind… becoming forgetful, losing things. There’s a little fellow at the desk waiting for me to “check out” some-how. Perhaps “my time” is at hand? – 8.44 already! Not snowing out there. Just caught up with yesterday’s entries and as soon as my leg returns (it’s fallen asleep), another smoke. No plans for travel or errands today. NOTHING on the agenda, save the music-thing… and it’s still rather comfy in the room. But.. should it become chilly… I’M PREPPED! HURRAY! – 9.07 The wind is coming directly from the North and just now, as I had my smoke, a thought: I’ve made it. Back to The North Country. For so many years, I’ve wanted to be here, and so I am, so I have been, for 3-plus years. The North Country. I made it. My wishes, my dreams.. reality. It hasn’t been the easiest of times. But I’m here. And now, as I think of leaving this shit-hole town, I think in terms of lateral moves… across The North Country… never to move to the “South” again. The North Country… I’m here, at the “end” of my life. How nice. – 23.47 It snowed all day!!! I diddled with the music on the iPod for most of the day. Had the actual heater going for quite a bit. WARM and TOASTY! At about 15.00 I went out, shovelled a bit of the sidewalk (not too much) and replaced the fuse in the Subaru… IT DIDN’T WORK!FUCK! – Came back in, made franks and ramen in the glass. Had the franks on rolls with old mustard. Yum. – Felt out of sorts all day… head-ache and sour stomach again. Day 3 or 4 of this shit. – Bobo actually had the fucking nerve to ask me to bring in a bag of pellets this evening. I did, of course… Oh well shit on them! – Posted a “note” to FB. twtr 8239 and me, and my Tmbl account. Must to include it here as well so that anybody coming to find “me” will find “it”. – It’s still snowing and I have to be at the banque at 10.00 so I should try for some sleep. – HEY! No tea lights today! WOOHOO! –

Thu.11.Dec: ***** CIBC – COMPTE *****

HOME -***** CIBC – COMPTE *****
6.21 and the world is covered in a blanket of.. SNOW!!! The heater is on and the temperature in this room is a toasty 19°. How wonderful to be a little “too warm” in the morning instead of freezing. But my stomach is cramped, and I’d like to go back to sleep. But then again, it’s good to wake at this hour because, on Saturday, I’ll have to be awake at this hour… BACK TO WORK! This week actually has passed quickly. And “for the foreseeable future”, 6 days of work to come. But I”m not complaining. I’m just anxious and worried that the news will come that they’re closing that office. Ah… but I believe they’ll have to find another one for me… or at least I’ll hope. And in this “cluster”, I some-how have the “seniority” I believe. So maybe I’ll be OK. (Who am I kidding? Me… OK. HAH! Not in “my” life.) – now to hope that the roads to Bedford are clear. I rather suspect that the Morses Line will be a bit on the “slutchy” side. Maurice should be OK though. Ah… today. We shall see. I still don’t have a concept of “time” on the drive. But I’ll give me more than enough time… no doubt. Right now, even the border is still closed. So? There’s time now… here. – No sense worrying over things we have no control over. – 13.05 AND WOW AM I EXHAUSTED… AGAIN!!! – Well? I made it HOME today AND I MADE IT TO MY RENDEZ-VOUS! – I left the house at about 9.00 or so, started the car to warm it up a touch as I cleaned the windows (and did some very light shovelling of snow off the side-walk… VERY light). “Burt” was out with his little “macho-me” truck and plow and wanted to plow the snow from in front of the house. I do believe he was miffed because I was in the way, but the more I thought of this hateful little town, the less I gave a shit about him and his attitude. Honestly? I NEED to get the fuck out of here. Too much infantile bull-shit. – When I finally got on the road, it wasn’t all too pleasant. The car seems to ride in the ruts in the snow, making steering a bit on the uncomfortable side. I stopped at the Richard rd. to get out to check the wheels, that’s how difficult it was. The wheels appear to be fine and I noticed that on the parts of the roads that had no snow, the car handled fine. IN the snow, how-ever, the front passenger side makes a noise. No doubt, there’s a hole there, looking to be filled with money that I don’t have. But, I do expect to have to put something into this car if I’m to keep it any length of time. – Les Dounaes went friendly and swiftly. Today, there was a young Asian woman there. How strange. But she spoke perfect English so she must be native-born. Anyway. It was a delight… of course. – The roads of HOME were simply plowed and not much else. Again, a bit on the difficult side to navigate but when I got onto the Dutch, it was wet and clear and the car handled well again. It just does NOT like snow. – Well, well, and well… I MADE IT TO MY RENDEZ-VOUS ON TIME! BUT… AGAIN… I’D LEFT THE PASSPORT IN THE CAR! HOW? HOW DO I FORGET THINGS THESE DAYS? IT’S WORRYING ME! (And, when I went to give Mme. my work ID? The plastic clip is now gone and the card was simply in the back-pack. It’s as if something is fucking with me and my shit! I do NOT, NOT like this at all!) – HOW-ever… the setting-up the account was a SNAP! Just SO simple and easy and pleasant! – FOR THE “JOURNAL MOMENT” OF THE EXPERIENCE:
AS I WAS CHATTING WITH Mme. GRENIER ABOUT SHOPPING AND THE ACCOUNT AND THE BANQUE, THE PHONE RANG… THE PHONE RANG!!!!! “OSTIE CHRISSE D’TANARNAK OSTIE CALISSE DE VIARGE”!!!!! LAURENT PAQUIN IN ALL HIS GLORY! I ALMOST MELTED INTO THE CHAIR! OF ALL THE PLACES ON EARTH AND OF ALL THE MOMENTS!!! I APOLOGISED SO MANY TIMES BUT Mme. GRENIER FOUND IT RATHER AMUSING. YET… THE WALL TO HER LITTLE OFFICE DOESN’T REACH THE CEILING SO… THE ENTIRE BANQUE HEARD IT! I WANTED TO CRAWL UNDER THE DESK! BUT Mme. GRENIER TOOK IT ALL WITH GOOD HUMOUR. AS I LEFT, THERE WERE SMILES FROM THE TELLERS. I WONDER… ANYWAY, THERE’S AN ACCOUNT NOW, WITH 100CAD, A DEBIT CARD AND AT THE END OF AUGUST? NO FEES! IMAGINE THAT! HOME!!!
The little fiasco done, I returned to the car and stopped at Metro for smokes. Again, they didn’t have them and again, I was relieved that I was NOT on a vélo! So, to the dépanneur up the road where, indeed, for 96,70$ they had them! YAY! (OK. So, total for them today was 106,70 with the doody…) – I would have gone else-where, if I wasn’t so tired, and looking quite pale today, and if the car was rolling well enough. As it was, I wouldn’t roll faster than 50km/h because of the snow. So I headed directly back. It was already about 10.55 by this time anyway. – The Costumes? Morse! He recognised me from the bike when I told him I worked for the PO. BUT… THE LITTLE GIT CHARGED ME DOODY ON THE SMOKES! 10$ US! FUCK! I’m entitled to a carton IF I remain for 48 hours! MORONS! Luckily, I had the 10 and gave it to him and he gave me a receipt and I was on the road again… pulling a bit in the snow. Oh… on the trip up, I passed Raymo’s and the son was in the drive. He waved. He recognised the car. Isn’t that cute? – And… on the Morses Line rd, just by Domino’s, Gena was just getting to there with the mail (this, on the way back… after 11.00). Luckily, her head was turned away, but I wouldn’t have acknowledged her anyway, lest I be accused of making another “obscene gesture” toward her. Fuck it. – OK. So back at the house… This town is hateful, spiteful, nasty and … etc. The other 2 were gone BUT these fucking hicks… somebody parked a truck in front of the house, on the diagonal! So I HAD to park on the diagonal! I did, then got out of the car and got the shovel and cleared the side-walk and front stoop. I wanted to, actually, just to DO something. I’m hoping that “doing” something will help my mood and memory and such. I need to get back into some sort of routine. This forgetfulness is bothering me terribly. – That done, I came into the empty house, up to the room, un-packed things. EXHAUSTED! TIRED! WANTED TO SLEEP! JUST SLEEP!!! – If this forgetting shit is the on-set of Alzheimer’s, I thought, as I drove back on the Québec Morses Line rd, I AM SO OUT OF HERE! Maybe it’s just getting adjusted to the changes of late: new office, re-hired, new job, new car. Maybe it’s just that. Maybe it’s pre-occupation with the car, the driving, my body getting adjusted to less stress. But no matter… IF it’s Alzheimer’s, I will NOT stick around until it comes in with a BANG! NO! NO! NO! OUT OF HERE… QUICKLY! – And so… I settled back into the house, thinking that I’d have to go out and move the car again in due course. – They returned about 13.30 and her ladyshit parked as usual and ever so close to the Subaru! These “Vermont” drivers: no perception of anything but “self”. I still say, they shouldn’t be allowed on roads… keep ’em in the fields. – At about 15.00, I set an alarm for 15.50 and laid down to sleep… I won’t even call it a “nap” any more… it’s “sleep”. I’m just that exhausted of late. – BUT TODAY, AFTER YEARS, I BANQUE CAD AND I HAVE A CARD! AS Mme. GRENIER SAID “NOW YOU CAN GO SHOPPING.” –
19.27 Well, the iPod is up-dated and there’s a spread-sheet record of the music that’s on there as of this evening. I now have to go and compare the “Library” with the “Purchased” to find out why there’s a difference in the number of songs. But I’m not in the mood at the moment. – It’s still snowing, though ever so lightly. Tomorrow I have to get to Highgate to get the key to go to work on Saturday… WORK! Oh! At last again! Maybe THAT will take away the head-aches and such. Getting back into a routine… Maybe that’s what I need most of all, in spite of the shorter days and longer nights. I don’t know. But I can hope. – Time to catch back up with today’s events and “notes”. I’m still in a bit of disbelief about the account. YEARS ago I wanted to do this. And today, it’s done. It was easier than expected and quicker than expected and now? I have a card to carry, to prove… HOME. At this advanced age. – This evening, when I woke from my sleep at about 16.00, I was SO HUNGRY! I got up, put the water on to boil and had 2 franks with Ramnen in the mug, with a bit of mustard… and I finished the PopTarts which means, no snack this evening. I felt a bit better after eating, but not much better. I wonder what this head-ache shit is all about. – I almost forgot to mention: when the other 2 came back today, her ladyshit had put a pot of coffee up and invited me to partake! We got into a chat though, and I didn’t. I was going to get my tea, but… time passed. Oh well. No loss there. – As for this moment now, at 20.07, I’m in bed and ready for more sleep. I’m just going to give-in and see how late (early?) I sleep until. Tomorrow, I have to get the key for Sheldon anyway so there’s something that has to be done. Maybe I’ll get a little grocery in as well. We shall see. The snow is supposed to continue through Saturday at this light rate. “Winter” may not be here “officially” but it’s certainly “here” anyway. No problem. The snow keeps me from going through too much gas simply running about the state. – 24.02 At about 22.30 there was a scratch-tap on the door… her ladyshit.. having a bad night. Seems Bobo’s got it into his head to give the ferrets to another home. He also wants to get rid of Ellie. Imagine? But Jester remains. I didn’t say that during our “schmooze”… which went on for the better (worse) part of over an hour. But, again, when the shit hits the fan and the chips are scattered all over the floor… guess who gets company. – I’m tired now. Doesn’t look like I’ll be up at 5.30 as I’d’ve hoped. Alas. I’m such a fucking idiot.

Fri.12.Dec: 7.47 I don’t recall having even heard the alarm this morning. So I just woke, just up from a smoke and the world is covered… COVERED in snow this morning and there’s light snow still falling. And I look pale. Almost white… truly white. – I have to get over to the Highgate office today for the key for work tomorrow. I thought: “I’m not looking forward to this, this morning.” And then I thought: “It’s not on a bike. It’s only because the car handles strangely. But it’s not on a bike.” I am, today, blessed with a car. And yes, indeed, I am grateful for that. I’ll take it slowly. Tomorrow will be a bit difficult. But it’s only to Sheldon, not many miles away. And not, as was the case just a year ago, on the bike. Things truly are “better” now. – AND, this morning, the temperature in the room is 17° but this morning, the little heater is on to take the chill away. Yes, things are improved. And yes, I am thankful. – 17.14 AND… we’re back, with the keys… to Sheldon and (sadly) Fuklin too. AND… C. and I had a little “chat”. She says: the whole “PDI” shit is now officially UN-official. (As if she could have done anything other.) Just to make it clear that there will be no more working off the clock and if I need to stay later for any reason, to let her know before it gets put onto the card. AND *** that back-stabbing bitch, Gena? Today, C. tells me “You’ve been there working extra for 2 hours!” Gee… I wonder how she knew that! Fucking qunt there, Ms. Gena. Well, in time, we learn all. Fuck her and the horse she rode into this world from. – The end. – The roads were OK, all told, in spite of the steady snow (that’s still falling ever so lightly). The car still wants to go its own way. As Bobo put it… “SQUIRREL!” Yes indeedie, there’s work to be done on that vehicle. OH! PLEASE! That it lasts THROUGH the WINTER! Other-wise, I made a trip into Walmarde (again). Got water-proofing for the work-boots (at last), AND a little radio for the office, one that I can plug the iPod into! YAY! ***** AND A SHOVEL FOR THE SNOW AT THE HOUSE. ***** 10$ (17.51 I get a call from down-stairs: Can you move your car so Curtis cal clean in front of the house? Yeah sure. Fuktardz. But when I think about it: the town’s-folk plow the road… a STATE road at that. Imagine. Hoakey! But… “country”. If this were Richford, I’d do so with pleasure. But, here? I fucking resent anything done… even remotely “for” any of these shits. Meanwhile… ) So I paid 10$ for a shovel that *I* don’t need, but, it’s better for ME when *I* clear the snow. – Well then, the Walmarde visit was done and I was rather hungry and so… BACK TO McD’s where today, the same manageresse had an older man come in, bent over, he was, with scoliosis. SHE BROUGHT HIS TRAY TO HIS TABLE FOR HIM! Honestly? That place is just the place to go t o when one believes that there’s no hope left for humanity! And so, again, I was almost in tears. How beautiful those people are, just amazingly beautiful. – The drive back was un-eventful, thank you. – I stopped at the Fuklin PO to check my mail (nothing there) and Ms. Lisa tells me that because the box there is in my name and I rented it and I put in a forward, the box has to be closed! I told her that there are 2 names on it and the forward is only for me… and it’s temporary (fuck her). Well… she let it go because the forward is temporary. But she’s insisting that the box be closed! That’s Viv’s box now and it will NOT be closed… or… I’ll simply go in and change the info on it from Sheldon. Tough shit for them! I paid that box and unless I’m getting a FULL refund, there will be NO closing anything. Or… there’ll be an e-mail sent to the PMG AND to “Consumer Affairs”. MY TURN to fuck with that shit-town office. – Fine. – 18.00 and I was invited to “breakfast” with the “folks” this evening. They had fried eggs and ham-steak for dinner. Ah hah! Me? I had 2 Macs and a small fries and peace and calm and enjoyment. – Anyway… the cars have been moved. The street has been cleared. Tomorrow morning I am out of here to go back to WORK! YAY! And Bobo and her ladyshit will be bringing the ferrets to Newport. Very sad to see them go… but I’m SO HAPPY for them, going to a home where somebody will take care of them and they’ll be able to enjoy the light of day again! (If there really IS any kind of “god” or what-ever, may they be in a home where they will be duly loved, respected and appreciated, well attended. The sweet little creatures, them.) – 21.56 Finished the new spread-sheet for time and mileage for work for the coming year (may it all last that long… and LONGER… because I don’t know if I CAN be re-hired after my second “360 days”… unless I apply for a “PTF” which I’m not so sure I want, considering I’ll have to take positions with-in the 50-mile radius and I’m SURE somebody will push me to that limit.) ANYWAY… as I’m working on that, it had to be about 21.30 when the closet door beside the room started to slam! Imagine? They sit on their fucking arses all day (Bobo left work early today) and WAIT until this hour to fuck about… knowing that I have to work in the morning. Fucking trash… I SO NEED to MUST get the FUCK OUT of this hole! – Well… 22.00 and lights out. Here’s to WORK TOMORROW YEAH!

Sat.13.Dec: 6.00 On the dot. BACK TO WORK! Not that “work” is the good part… going to work at SHELDON IS THE GREAT PART! (But again, this morning, I’m so tired. Oh well.) – And first thing this morning, Burt was out there, on the road, with his new toy… plowing the snows down, trying to clear every trace of it. Imagine, 5.30 in the morning and he’s out there, using gas, zipping up and down in front of the house as if the road were his own drive-way. These children are… or they could be… amusing. – The snow is curling off the roof this morning and the icicles are leaning against the window. But nothing like the way they did in Richford. I miss that old house. I miss that town. This morning I can’t help but think that, returning probably won’t be the same as it was. Leaving a place once changes it, forever. But then again, I always used to go back to The Bronx, and for many years, it was relatively the same. When I give serious thought, the one point that changed it, and not for the better, was the last time: going to Jim’s and then on to Margot’s. That made it easier to leave… for good. I have to be careful about going back to Richford. It would be a delight to return to a large, old house. But no matter where, I have to be careful. I don’t want to ruin the affection I have for that town. And I don’t want anybody else to have the chance to ruin it either. – Meanwhile, there’s today and the hopes that the roads are good enough to travel easily. But, as I thought yesterday, I think today: a car… I don’t have to worry about slipping on a bike, putting on heavy clothing to protect against wind and the remnants of snow (of which we’ve had a considerable amount already), no worries about being protected against rain. And… no peddaling in the cold. May it remain so, through the Winter. The car came from a time of great joy, of trust from people, from others. It is a “Gift”. It’s imbued with much positive energy. It is the beginning of GOOD… and I hope with my “all” that it remains so. A job that I truly enjoy in a town where I am welcome. Steady work. A good salary. An opportunity to make all much better. THe beginning of improvement… at long, long last. – 17.26 Laundry’s done. The curtains for the PO are done. And I’m ready to fall asleep. – It’s been a day. Started with Bobo calling himself “fixing” the fucking lights on the car… I’m getting ready for work and he comes to the door and hands me a fuse telling me that it was the one that blew so my dash lights won’t work. It was the one I’d just put in! He replaced it with one of the “spares” from under the hood! WELL! Now my “parking” lights don’t work which means the tail lights don’t work which means NO driving after dark which means I HAVE to figure what the fuck he did and I have to do so BEFORE MONDAY! HONESTLY!? WHY DON’T PEOPLE MIND THEIR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS? – Well then, the drive to work was rather OK. Not great, but not bad. I got there at about 8.20 and set up the new radio, the new power strip and opened on time. It wasn’t busy until about 11.00 of course. But during the day, the electric went out, cutting the computer and all. How wonderful! AND, there was a shit-load of e-mails to go through… and even now, there’s a small shit-load that I didn’t get to. I’m back and starting well behind. How charming. And Diana, true to form, “Cash Retained”! FUCK! She just will NOT listen when she’s told not to do that! But the schedule has me on for all of the week coming… and it had better stay that way. So closing went… at the last moment, the financials got done. The scanner wouldn’t down-load… but when I rang C. to tell her, she knew already. Thankfully, I had just enough time to cover it with an e-mail… and by noon I was OUT! – Nicest part? People were actually GLAD to see me back! – Oh, I got the brass polished too. It isn’t as nice as I’d hoped, but it shines. That’s nice. A little more polish and clean and the place will be quite nice indeed. – When I left, after sending out e-mails to confirm that I did my job, I suddenly decided to head to the Dollar General in Enosburgh, Well, it was “suddenly” so much as it was one of those decisions made at the intersection. The 105 was clear so driving was fine. – At the store, the selection was, of course, total shit. Chinese shit and over-priced, even a a dollar. But I wanted to get SOMETHING together and I wanted it today. So I got 2 red plastic bows (1$ each and not worth more than 10-cents), a “9-foot” strand of the shittiest “garland” I’ve ever seen in all my life (2$) and a little plastic tube of mini silver balls (marked 1$ but rang at 70-cents) and that shit was for the “house”. I got a bottle of some kind of “Mr.Clean” gel-shit for 3$, “concentrated”, to wash the curtains in, and a package of cookies for me because I was rather hungry. (I’d been quite hungry all morning at work… imagine… getting to work and being hungry… away from the house and hungry. Here we go again with that. Yes, it’s depression… this house depresses me something awful!) – Back on the road and away to the Dung-hole. – As I headed from the car, Jester opened the front door. “They” had only just left to bring the ferrets to Newport. “It” was in the house… alone. I went in the door, put the curtains into the machine right away, and just kept moving along, merely replying to what-ever was said to me. Fucking faggot, that thing. (At one point, it started talking about being concerned about “wrinkles” and wanting to find a cream to get rid of them and that her ladyshit has some very special cream that works, bought from Avon. WRINKLES? Worthless piece of shit! Nasty, psychotic idiot! WRINKLES? Lobotomy! ) Anyhoo… the curtains were done in no time, so I tossed my pyjamas into another load and when they were done and into the dryer, I went out to the back yard to cut up the felled limbs. I even got one of the green and the other dead limb that is a nice rust colour. Red and green! How well it worked out! – It took a bit of dragging and such, but I got the limbs over to the barn. Ah… but getting the sap buckets from the front of the house! FROZEN solid and HEAVY! The one in the centre was full of ice and frozen and I had to drag it along. I left it at the back corner of the house… I don’t much give a shit where it is… it’s not in front and not in the way of anything. Eventually, maybe, I’ll move it to behind the barn. I don’t know. I make no promises. But I DID manage to make 2 rather nice bundles of branches, wired them together. I snapped the garland in half and wove it through the plastic bows, giving a bit of colour, and put the bows on the branches. Then, I wired the little balls on, quite well, in fact. Worked on the bundles as they hung on the barn. And they look rather OK… Shit, it didn’t cost me but about 6$ for this. And I did a nice enough job… getting the fucking pumpkins down and something more appropriate to the season up. This will probably be the only thing that gets put up… and I don’t give a shit. FUCK this hole, this town and to HELL with it ALL! TO HELL! in fact! – That done, I came into the house, fingers burning from the cold, got out of my jeans and such and tossed the last of the laundry into the washer… and… just as I came into the room (to avoid being in the open house with Jester too long) didn’t the other 2 return! (It was about 17.00) Oh well. Tough shit. My clothes were in the wash and that’s where they were. Fuck you muchly. – Comment from Bobo: “I seen what you did out front. It’s nice.” Bugger yourself raw, fag. – NEXT! – Bobo sat at table and proceeded to make a “wrap” and actually invited me to partake. I declined, of course. Tossed my clothes into the dryer and came up to the room. I was going to Hoover today, but… oh well… not. – Instead, I put 7 tea-lights into the pot-heater and settled, at long last. TIRED! Had 2 franks from the package. Hungry. (I will NOT eat the food in this house, not even when paying 500$/month as the payments go of late. I will NOT eat with these…) Clothes done, I came back to the room… SO, SO tired! It’s a bit of depression… being here, the car lights not working, and the aggravation of it all. – I settled into the room, started to pfutz on-line and at about 19.20 or so, checked into the Skye…. VIV! She was ON! And we chatted, in text, for a few hours. Apparently things haven’t improved up there. She’s still at odds with the other 2. Faggots. Really. How ridiculous. I’m rather glad I’m not there. I don’t need to travel to be in a situation so similar to the one I’m in right here. And she mentioned that she’s sitting in the dark, with only one tea-light for light in the flat. I wonder if it’s economy or her own depression. I wonder about her. I know, and admit, that I’m slipping into some place not so good in my “elder” days. But she seems to be slipping even farther along. “Old”… we’re “old” – In our chat, I made mention of having reached the point in my own life where I no longer give a shit about what I say because I’ve spent most of my almost 60 years keeping my tongue under control, worried about what others may think and now? I’ll be dying and going straight to Hell anyway so I don’t care. She replied, repeatedly, with the little image of the “angel” and the little “head shaking” image. WHAT? She’s got some “God-thing” going on? Fine. Her decision, not mine. As I even said to her: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Oh well. – We were on until about 21.30 when we both agreed it was time to cut-off. It was, all told, good seeing from her this evening. I do, in fact, tend to worry about her. But admittedly? I no longer have the capacity to worry “deeply” I have managed to make it through some of the most horrid times… alone. Let the others learn to do like-wise. “We are all fighting a battle”. Many of us are battling alone. I am battling alone, as I’ve done for most of my existence. I’m tired… so very, VERY, VERY tired. – Well, it was about 22.19 when it was finally time to put the lights out. I was looking forward to finally making the bed and sleeping in clean linens tonight… but I didn’t get to shower and so, didn’t bother to make the bed. Another night of this shit. But my clothes are clean, there are 2 coats of water-proofing on the work-boots. And tomorrow is yet another day… which I will, if I wake, have to deal with… alone… again… naturally.

Sun.14.Dec: 7.40 Up from morning smoke and back from morning dump and last night’s
DREAMSl
The first was rather disturbing and sickening. I don;t remember what led into the part that I DO recall but I was with some people, I don’t recall who, but I seem to recall that it was family, siblings, and I was doing some kind of work, out in a yard, in the snow. I suddenly got a terribly sharp pain in my left palm and when I looked, there was a HUGE fly, embedded INTO the centre of my hand, head planted quite deep! As if, or rather very much like a bullet that had been shot into my hand. I pulled it out and it left a perfectly round, but deep hole in my palm. Yes, it was painful but not to the point where I couldn’t use the hand. As I looked at this, there was a pain in the RIGHT hand! I lifted the right hand and looked… ANOTHER FLY, embedded the very same way! Another HUGE fly, embedded, head-in deeply into the centre of my hand! THIS one though, when I pulled it out, had left EGGS in the wound! It was head-in, but there were EGGS in the wound! I was a little nauseated by this and said that I needed to get to wash this thing out! I wasn’t concerned about stopping what-ever it was that I was doing, but I wanted, very desperately, to wash these wounds out, especially before the eggs hatched in my hand! I wanted soap and water… and I wanted bleach. But for some reason, there were delays. The people around me kept pestering me about the un-finished work and some kind of dead-line! As I looked at my hand, becoming more anxious about the presence of eggs, I woke. It was still very dark so I don’t know what time it was, but there was just enough light so that I could see my hands. The dream was so real that I first ran my fingers over my palms, to feel if there were any holes in them. (I didn’t want to SEE, just in case there were holes of some kind!) When I didn’t feel any holes, I actually looked… no, of course not… no holes. But this dream was too real to simply let it go by.
I fell back into sleep and had a second dream. Again, I don’t remember what led into the part I do recall but I was with some people, 2 guys in particular. We here in a field, it was covered in snow, and there was a large fire burning in a pit of some kind. It was like a “resort” or something. A group of people was mulling about, gathering to attend some kind of presentation. The older fellow, rather tall, perhaps in his 70’s or so, well-educated, was to be giving some kind of speech on some current topic of concern. I knew him (and yet I didn’t). Anyway, he appeared to be fine for the most part and so, he walked away from the fire, down a bit of a hill to where he was supposed to begin addressing the crowd when he suddenly began to lean forward. I noticed that he was about to fall and I started over to catch him when another, younger fellow, came up to him, from in front, and as he teetered forward, I took hold of him from the side and the younger fellow slowly leaned backward so that if the older man went forward, he wouldn’t hit the ground. I managed to keep him from falling completely and held him, hugging him closely to keep him from teetering any more. He said, in a rather glib tone “My friend, I am dissolving our relationship from this point.” (I wasn’t aware that we HAD a “relationship”, since I didn’t really know who he was.) I said “You can’t do that. You can’t just dissolve a relationship.” He replied “Be that as it may, I am dissolving this relationship.” and I kindly said, as I hugged him affectionately “Well, if you have the right and the ability to dissolve the relationship, I will take my own ability and right and I will simply ‘change’ the relationship.” He told me that I couldn’t do that. I told him I could change the relationship if he felt he could dissolve it and that I will not accept the dissolution but will hold it in my own manner and fashion. And I continued to hug him, warmly, thinking to myself, as if trying to console him “It’s going to be alright. You’ll be fine.” And, from this, I woke. It was about 7.00
8.04 I have the heater on and temperature in the room is up to 19°. The morning is… surprise… cloudy. I have to think about getting to the car and figuring how to get the tail-lights back on!!!!! Fuck, this pisses me off! Imagine the fucking nerve to simply go into the car… a car that’s not even yours, and fuck about with things! I HAVE TO… I MUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT-HOLE!!!! NOW!!!! QUICKLY!!!! – 8.48 and Bobo and Jester are awake. Jester has to go into hospital at some point today… for some kind of “tests”. Imagine that: medical care. And I wonder who and how many will be toddling about on this little adventure. The smell of something cooking in the kitchen is rising into the room and making me rather ill. And I want to have a nap. And so, I most likely probably shall. I’m in no mood for this day. It’s chilly again. At some point I’ll go put some fuses BACK into the car and HOPE the lights come back on! FUKTARD! – (I’m also expected to be asked to move the car again… either for the sake of their company or for a plowing or something. Fuckalls.) – 9.46 NAP TIME! And it’s drizzling… of course. – 20.47 DAY IS DONE! ROOM IS CLEAN! BED IS MADE! I AM SHOWERED! Peppermint tea is steeping. I am hungry. 2 franks and several too many PopTarts all day. But… – They had company today. A quite tall and THIN guy (Mike) (same family name as the “Do You Hear What I Hear?” fellow … I won’t put first and family names together because of posting this). He came over for dinner (for 4) and to watch DVDs. I cleaned this place up and about! Hoovered too! Yay! Re-arranged things, put the pot-heater in front of the mirror and moved the table from there to the top of the other table and stacked. I recall Zuri saying how it amazed him: Most people build “out”… I build “up”. And today, I did so yet again. But there seems to be more space in the room and I got rid of nothing. And it’s comfy once again. I’d wanted to nap during the day but didn’t so I’m hoping I can just get into bed, in the CLEAN BED-LINENS, and drift off and away until tomorrow. Tomorrow… WORK! YAY! – Did a bit of time on the fesses-book today too. Nothing much. – Found the blog with the CV and up-dated it and put it at “Private”. Nobody’s business. There too much info on me on-line, but in a way, that’s good because I’ve over-ridden any of the negative… save that shit-head Peter Fucktard in The Bronx. That page just will NOT go away! Oh well.. it doesn’t matter. The “good” out-weighs the “negative”. Not that it makes much difference any more. Not at my age. – And now, at 20.55, Mike has left, taking a nice little bit of the left-over mac’n’cheese and what-ever meat they had with. I don’t know what they put into the mac’n’cheese but it always smells like scalloped potatoes… that “vomit” stench! Thankfully, I had the pine spray today. OH! – And I just hear Bobo yell “… watch TV up here!”. So they should be heading to sleep soon too. I don’t care… I’VE SHOWERED and am in CLEAN sweats for bed! AND… the ROOM IS COMFORTABLY WARM! WELL ALRIGHT FOR ME!

Mon.15.Dec: 7.40 I don’t want to be awake but I am. It wasn’t enough to have just the sheet and afghan onthe bed last night. Not “cold” but not “comfortable”, even with the mattress heater on. So? The sleeping bag is back on. One of these days I’ll have to see about replacing this sleeping bag since this is the one that got scorched in the dryer at Richford. – But this morning, I have to check the fuses in the car and HOPE that I can get the tail lights back. It bothers me terribly, to think that ( a ) that shit would find it perfectly fine to go into MY vehicle with-out permission and ( b ) that he puts my tail lights out and doesn’t bother to repair the damage. I need to get out of here. I can’t abide such trash. – But, this morning is a work-day, and there are other, new responsibilities to be handled at the job. I have an office (Hey Kathy! I have an office!) and will run it perfectly well. Indeed. – I also have to think about getting FOOD! Quite hungry this morning. – I think “Oh, to have a car I can just get into and drive away in.” and then I think “OH! I have a CAR to get into and drive away in!!!” and I know that I am truly blessed. And I appreciate it. The simple things in the world. Not the most luxurious, but those things that are necessary. AND… I have the heater running… I have warmth this morning. It was only about 18° when I woke. It’s quite warm and toasty now.. and only in the time it took to have my morning smoke. – It’s cloudy again this morning. Time to check the météo. – 10.01 Time to get the day beginning. I look forward to work… but not trying to pfutz with the fuses in the car. Drizzly out there… and still freezing sort of drizzle. BUT… I don’t have to look forward to walking into work… I hope. – 22.50 VERY HECTIC DAY AT THE OFFICE! – Left the house at about 11.00, checked the fuses for the parking lights and noticed I didn’t have ANY lights on the back of the car! Made me GOD-Awful nervous! Imagine, driving over the back-roads, in the dark, in a vehicle that’s such a dark blue that it’s almost black, an can’t be seen! But… went to the dollar store and Hannaford’s in Enosburgh anyway, taking advantage of the day-light whilst I may. Got red garland to tie the “display boxes” in the office. Add a little colour and something to grab attention, a frame for some notices there so it looks a bit neater, and a Murphy’s Oil soap to try to clean the wood-work. Hannaford’s for coffee and creamer for the house and raisin bread for snacks (which I just finished off,,, the whole loaf! I’ll be sorry for that in the morning, no doubt, all that bread). Turkey cold cuts for “lunch” and rolls and “crullers”. I ate the turkey with the rolls… left the rolls and crullers in the office for tomorrow. OH! V8 too… But the V8 got brought back to the house… and all but finished that this evening as well. – As for the work: It was BUSY fro start to finish today! I got there at 12.15 and opened the window at about 12.25 and there were customers from the beginning of the day right through. That, plus trying to get caught-up with all the e-mails that had been sent even during my break! Honestly! I just don’t know how they think I’m supposed to catch-up with this shit! – TO make it even MORE “interesting”, there were TWO e-mails containing job openings… IN NEW YORK! NORTHERN NEW YORK! Dannemora, Plattslburgh, the region I wouldn’t mind going back to. They were forwarded by C. BUT needed to be replied to by… midnight on the 14th! I lost those opportunities! DAMN IT! I don’t know that I’d absolutely want them, but I’ve been tossed from even trying at this point now. I’m a bit upset about that. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. Besides, the people with whom I spoke today all said that they’re happy that I’m in that office, so… – And before I forget, I should note: the notices for PO Box rent that were due today? They got printed and delivered. I did good with that today! Yay me. Eh? – There’s much more to be done, and I’ll get to it… when I can. – Lisa is being a pain in the shitter about the box in Fuklin. So I’ll have to change the forward order to temporary in order to keep that box number and not lose it… and I want the 212 for awhile longer. Besides, keeping it open and such will probably piss somebody off and, well, it being Fuklin? That would make my day. – Meanwhile… (on Tue. morning catch-up with this) The ride back to the house this evening was gut-wrenching! Not only was I worried about getting a ticket because of the back lights, the absolute anxieties about not being visible! I decided to go to Kevin (from whom I bought the car) and, if possible, have him work on the electrics. All the way to the house I had the emergency flashers on, and didn’t know if they were working or not. It was HORRIBLE! I thought of the nights with Aunt Sis and Dorothy, driving over Dingle Daisy and the other back-roads of the Catskills, ice on the windshield, lights flickering, all sorts of things-gone-wrong is some of her old cars and how we’d laugh about it, being 6 sheets to he wind. But tonight, it wasn’t all so funny. It’s been too long a ride, too high the fare to get this car and get off the bike and I’m not 13 years old any more. Anyway, I made it back to the house, got the car parked and all was done for another day until… – BOBO comes over and says that he notices that I have no lights and asks if I want to have a look at it with him. Well, no. It’s dark, it’s cold and I’m tired. No. I told him I was going to ring Kevin and have him look at it all. So, Bobo goes out the door and the next thing, he comes up to the room (luckily before I’d taken my boots off) and asks for the key to the car. HE TOOK IT UPON HIMSELF TO GO BACK INTO THE CAR! THE FUCKING AUDACITY! BUT… BUT… BUT… when I got down there, apparently he’d noticed where the trouble is and because I’d mentioned something about the radio having been installed improperly, he investigated that. AH HAH! Next thing I know, he’s taking the console apart, FOUND MY CUP HOLDER in the car AND REMOVED THE RADIO! In the dark, in the cold. INDEED! HE FOUND THE TROUBLE AND – – – THE DASH IS NOW ILLUMINATED AND THE RADIO IS WORKING AND THE RADIO IS ONE OF THOSE THERE ONE REMOVES THE FACE-PLATE FOR SECURITY/ANTI-THEFT! IT’S WORKING! THE DASH IS ILLUMINATED, THE LIGHTS ARE ON AND SOMEBODY’S HOME (as it were)! He said he felt guilty, having taken advantage and going into the car to mess with it, with the intention of fixing it and leaving me with no tail lights, in an almost black car, driving on the roads at night. He felt “obligated” to repair the damage he’d done (I wonder: does he, do they even think that I CAN go after them for trespass? I had been thinking that I could simply have the car repaired, get a bill and when it came to being told “You owe us…”, I’d simply take the bill into the courts. Yes, I’d considered that venue.) Well, not only did he repair what he’d broken, but he made it all the better! How about that? And so, for the while, I can now plan on doing things AFTER work instead of stuffing a day into mornings only. Indeed, I am thankful. Yes, I am.- And so, by the time that was all done, and there was a bit of TV-watching (only a bit) to be sociable, it got to be 17.30 already! The day had gone by quite quickly and I was rather tired. So I came up to the room, put on the tea, started the loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread and settled-in for the night. – As I say, I’ve finished the entire loaf of bread! I should be ashamed. No I shouldn’t. I’ll pay for it in the morning when it starts to come through. But for tonight, it was delicious. And hopefully, it will put on some calories, pounds and fullness. I’m looking rather sickly of late and it bothers ME. – By about 22.30 it was lights-out on this day. Some browsing on the fesses-book, being annoyed. I don’t know why I even bother to comment. It makes no difference, other than to prove to me that there are some exceptionally stupid people in this world. – It was a day of much violence on the news too. It seems the world has gone mad, and the mad are taking over. Murders. Muslims. The pandering and kow-towing to this violent, murderous faction! The “majority” of the world’s population is nothing more than apathetic cowards, arse-kissers and lickers. And the world is going to the wicked. It was fore-told, I recall, in 6th or 7th grade… it’s the present now. I wonder… indeed, I wonder. But I’m happy to be this old at this time. I do NOT want to BE when this becomes the “norm”. – End of day.

Tue.16.Dec: 6.58 Awake. – 7.36 caught up with yesterday’s notes. The heater is on. The bread is coming through. I’ve had coffee and smoke and the morning is turning rather bright this morning. I wonder if we’ll see some sun-shine. That would be quite interesting. It’s been quite the while since last we’d seen that. – The heater is on to take the chill out of the air in the room. Comfy now. I wish I could turn it on with-out the fan though. No doubt, Jester’s already mentioned it. But you know? If situation would allow… I’d “handle” that shit in a manner I see be-fitting. But that’s why, so I say, “god won’t let me have a gun”. – With nothing pressing on the morning agenda (I’m going to change my “forward” order with the Postal to “temporary” today… officially, hahahahah but when I get into the office, hahahahah) I just might check the weather, glean the soc.med. and have a nap. – 21.10 I AM EXHAUSTED!!! It was such a truly light volume day at work and yet, the business was non-stop! AMAZING! And the District rang about the offers of PTF jobs. C is full of shit! She told them that I should have had enough time on the 13th to read what she’d sent and she told me that she’d sent me only the NY openings when there were FIVE PAGES of VT openings! The real shit is about to hit the fan! I’ve have more than enough of this clique shit! Not sure how but it’s going down! – En route to the office I went to Walmarde and got a cork-board for the office! And a binder that doesn’t fit in the drawer (not sure if I’ll keep it or return it). – THEN… I STOPPED AT THE MARKET FOR A GRINDER AND EGG-NOG AND ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH AND I LEFT MY LITTLE BLACK CASE WITH MY PMR ID AND NEFCU ACCOUNT NUMBER IN IT!!! I’M TRULY LOSING MY MIND HERE THESE DAYS! LUCKILY SOMEBODY FOUND IT ON THE COUNTER AND I GOT TO PICK IT UP AFTER WORK! FUCK ME! WOAH! – GOT GAS IN THE CAR… HALF TANK… MID-RANGE GAS… 28$ TO FILL!!!!! NOT BAD! But the prices of gas are down these days… not that it means much since I’m still using the 3-plus dollars level. Still… not bad at all for a full tank! – Stopped at the dollar store Enosburgh/Hannaford’s and got mandarin oranges in the little plastic cups and some puddings in the little plastic cups. They were for tonight… but they didn’t do much to curb hunger. Oh well. – Meanwhile, I’m tired. It’s going to be an early night. – Chilly in the room. Not cold, but chilly. Tomorrow morning might be cold. – Weather forecast over-night: freezing rain. LA! – Looking for that Spanish song I LOVE so much that I used to have… the one for the Christmas season that I heard in New Prospect. MORE MUSIC GONE! FUCK YOU CINDY MACK! Just so much FUCK YOU!

Wed.17.Dec: 7.55 The garbage wasn’t put out to the road this morning. I brought my bag down, and it’s now on the back porch. I’ll put it in the barn or something. But I’ll not bring the barrels out. Nope. – Didn’t get to sleep until midnight last night. I really need to stop being awake at that hour. This morning I thought “I need to stop this waking at 7.30. I need to start getting up like ‘normal’ people.” and then I thought “Normal people sleep-in when they can. They don’t worry about being awake at 5.00.” Oh well. At least the room is warm this morning… and I’ve broken into a sweat. No, it’s not THAT warm… my body is. The morning “fever” thing. – I looked through the 4 Flash drives last night, looking for that Christmas music, that Spanish song that I liked so much in New Prospect. There’s music, and documents and such on them but not that song. And I tried searching the Internet for it. Can’t find it. Can’t remember the title. More that’s missing… thanks to the shit-bitches I trusted. Trust. Nope. – And I can’t help but continue to thing of what Shed. said to me yesterday about sending me ONLY the NY openings in the NY post offices: ***** She thought (she claims) that I might want to go back to NY since that’s where I came from. Not that she thought I’d commute, but that I might want to go back to NY. The ONLY person I ever said anything along those lines to was Gena. SO! Give them all enough rope and sure as shit… they’re swinging. Bloody back-stabbing bitches. Once again, Fate comes along to tell me what I’m dealing with. Now, I’ve no doubt, the office I like so much will close. I have a bit of “work” to do, like talk with the landlord about this situation. And… indeed, I shall. Yes, I come from NY… now watch how NY deals with these situations. ***** – It’s a state full of children, this one here. Nasty, belligerent little children. – How funny: as I mention Gena in this, I see her walking into the body shop across the road. Ah… her car must be in need of more repair. Yesterday, Andy was late getting to me at the 83. Said it was because she was running late. Ah! If *I* were to try that shit, there’d be phone calls all round! No trouble. I’ll just do what I can and must. (Like changing my “forward” to “Temporary” so that the box 212 will remain open. There are ways. As Mum used to say “Learn the law, and fight with all you have, with-in the law.” I do. I am, after all, a “New Yorker”. – Gee, if Gena’s strolling about the car-lot at 8.00, the mail isn’t being cased. Imagine that. AND… no doubt, the RWHT will show that she’s on the clock. Imagine that. – 24.17 and I’m still wound for some reason! It was a harried day at the post office and there’s SO MUCH SHIT that I have responsibility for now, and no help with any of it! And today I get a demand for records back to the month of May and I didn’t know where the hell they were (the eFlash shit). And when I said I didn’t know, I was told to ring Rachel at home! FUCK! I’m giving this bitch rope… I’m hoping to see her swing. But I was out on time in spite of it… and had to read through documentation at the house for over an hour. Yes, rope. – Did a bit of browsing after that. And just now see that Viv was on the Skype at 20.40! Oh well. – THEY went out shopping this evening… just up and left. Fuckem. – Now, time to try for a nap. I wanted to be asleep by 21.00! Fuck ME! – I’ve down-loaded a video on how to change the head gasket on the Subaru, with-out needing to drop the engine and found other videos on repairs. Not that they’ll do me much good at this point, It’s too cold to do that kind of stuff right now. But at least I have the references and it’s always good to know about the work needed. – Still… THIS IS ENTIRELY TOO LATE to be getting to sleep.

Thu.18.Dec: 8.05 and just having coffee!
Woke from a DREAM: I’d just moved, temporarily, into a new flat. (It was either Montreal or The Bronx, that was rather vague, but it was someplace where I’d lived before, and loved very much.) I truly liked the new place but it was difficult to get into A steep, spiral-sort of stair that let up to a glass door. Inside the door was a little store to the right and the flat was on the next floor up. Getting in through the main door was the most difficult because it was so high up, and the door swung open to the right, and there was no railing. At one point, I was sitting in a kitchen, talking and re-acquainting with friends (who were either Moe and Eve or Mike and Pookie, that too, was vague) and I said to her: “You know I’d come back in a snap if it wasn’t for, well, you know, the ‘stuff’ going on here.” I meant the changes in the people who’d come into the neighbourhood, low class, high crime.) “I just can’t take any more of that. I simply can’t.” – I had to leave them and get back to the flat. It had snowed and the stairs to the front door were packed with snow. I had to climb and was afraid of sliding off the stairs and falling to the street. Not that it was all that high at this point, but I didn’t want to fall off and get injured so that I couldn’t move back to where-ever it was that I’d come from. Behind me was a young woman with a whining little girl. They lived in the building and had been there for some time. So I climbed the stairs in spite of the snow and when I got to the top, I had to PULL myself up, over the last step to get in, but because the door was to my right and there was no rail to my left, I had to grab onto the door and the floor of the entrance. I was pulling myself in, and the woman behind me was bitching because it was taking me so long, there were Asian people in the store and they simply watched. I was almost terrified of falling and I was holding-on with all my strength… and getting SO SO VERY TIRED! I was almost falling asleep from the fatigue and fear! I said, at one point “How stupid to put this door in so that it swings open in this direction! If it would open in the other direction, at least there’s be something to keep people from falling off.” But the others were just pissed because I was slow, and blocking the door! And just as I was SO tired that I was about to actually fall asleep, hanging onto the catch for the door and the carpeting on the floor… I woke.
Well, how about THAT for a start to the day? The dream contains elements from yesterday: An argument with some Hispanic guy on the soc.med about who destroyed The Bronx, a comment I’d made about having left and returned over the course of my life-time and this time, having no desire or the ability to return again. Spiral stairs and the politics of Montreal, and a chat at work with somebody about living as close as possible with-out emigrating. Pulling up the treacherous stairs with a woman behind me and thoughts of how difficult it is at the job, and the back-stabbing from Gena and Cindy. All elements of the day.
Meanwhile, it did snow a bit over-night. The road is clear, so the temperature must be rather warmish out there. And it’s warmish in the room this morning. I hears the alarms at 5 and 6.00 but it was between 5 and 6 that I dreamt and woke at almost 8.00. I truly need to get back to a regular schedule and to sleep at a regular hour. – Well, it’s Thursday. 3 more work-days until… one day off and a first full week! (Next week, 2 days off… Christmas. And the week after will be the same for… FUCKME… the “New Year”. I can’t believe THAT! 2015. I did NOT think I’d be around for that. (A shame that I am, really.) – 19.54 Having last tea for the day and no matter what, I will be with the lights out ever so shortly tonight. – The day went along with-out one call from the shit-office. – *** I SPOKE WITH THE P.O. LANDLORD TODAY! SEEMS HE’S BEEN RATHER FORCED INTO RE-NEWING THE LEASE FOR ANOTHER 3 YEARS! I’M BELIEVING THAT MEANS I HAVE THE OFFICE FOR AT LEAST THAT LONG! SO, DEPENDING ON THE INCOME, I’M QUITE HAPPY ABOUT THAT! – It was a BUSY day today too! Selling and more selling. And tomorrow, I have… HAVE to get to the CU for change for the drawer! Imagine that? And nobody takes that into account when it comes to time needed to run that place. – OH! I LEARNT TODAY THAT Ms.RACHEL WAS SEE AT THE OFFICE AS LATE AS 19.00!!! IMAGINE THAT! I WONDER HOW SHE GOT AWAY WITH THAT SHIT! WELL, NEXT WEEK, WE SHALL SEE ABOUT ME HAVING TIME TO CATCH UP AND LEARNING THINGS I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT OFFICE. IF NOT? UNION GREIVANCE! – Other-wise, I am exhausted tonight. I could use a bit of time on the heater, but I’m going to pass, in lieu of using it tomorrow morning when I will, no doubt, need it. – It snowed again today and when I left the office I was going to try to get to the hardware store for the butt-cup for Bobo but the roads were a bit slick. Going in was quite a task. The E.Sheldon was packed snow… slippie, as one might say. Tonight, it was mostly wet, but I didn’t want to dare it. So? There’s still time. – Much to look forward to in the morning. Lisa rang to tell me that my “cheque” was at the Fukln office… I wonder if it’s a cheque or a statement. Hopefully, just the statement so I can buzz over to the CU right away in the morning. If I get there early enough, I can (I hope) make a deposit into CIBC as well! I would like that very much. (This is a pay-day of 350 to the clowns though… Hopefully my days off are in there as well… that’s about 30 hours’ pay!) – Well…enough. A quick visit to the Internet for business hours for some places, a bit of tea and wrap this day!

Fri.19.Dec: 5.13 Note to self… Do NOT go about the house in the morning when anybody else is awake. – Question to self… WTF have I done this time to be on a shit list? – Bobo’s not “chatting” with me. I wonder why. – Meanwhile… I was in bed by about 21.30 last night and woke, on my own, at about 4.45. Not bad. But I know that today’s banquing activity won’t be posted before 6.00 or so. Oh well. I’m awake. Tomorrow I have to be awake at this time anyway so hopefully, I’ll be tired enough to go back to sleep by 21.30 tonight as well and that will take care of that. – Oh, and just for the records, spent the night skate-strapped. Didn’t make much of a difference this morning,and there was only one incident of discomfort just before I fell asleep. It doesn’t account for anything, but I note. – Last night I got the hours for CIBC… it’s a wonder that anybody can manage. 10-17.00, lundi-vendredi. C’est tout. Pas des heures samedi. Mais, jeudi, jusq’au 19.00 which really doesn’t give working people much time. Oh well. I will see what I can accomplish. No doubt, the CU won’t have the amount I need to change here. So? As I say, we’ll see what can be accomplished. If not today, then Monday, I suppose. It cuts it a bit on the “close” side. But we’ll manage. Indeed, we will. – Note here… at about 5.20, just before Bobo went to start his car, Jester got a text message. Honestly, it’s none of my business but this is all part of why I am so much better off being “solo”. There’s no monogamy any more. People have made a joke of “being in relationship” and being “married”. Well m’Dear, I came back to the North to be alone… and since being here, I see that I’m much better off with my dreams and memories. As I learnt: sometimes the phantasie is best left at that… a phantasie, because the reality is never as good as the dream. – And, on that, this day commences. – 20.08 This morning the car was covered in a thin layer of ice that wouldn’t scrape off! The doors were frozen shut too! It took a LOT of scraping to get it off, even from the windows. The driver-side door had frozen shut, but luckily I was able to get in via the rear door and reached over the seat to turn the engine to heat the car whilst I scraped. This is going to be a fun Winter season if this is the way it’s going to begin. – Well, the PO fucked my direct deposit with the “break” and now I receive a paper cheque in the postes. So… I HAD to go over to the Fuklin office to get it. How wonderful is that! And poor Lisa, loaded with parcels. But SUE was there! It was a pleasure to see her. We didn’t get to talk much at all, but it was a delight to see her and her smile. – Off and on the road by about 10.30. – To the CU to cash the friggin cheque and get change for the Sheldon office… MUCH NEEDED change! And whilst there, bought 100CAD at a price of 90US. Imagine? The currencies are so close today. (I noticed though, an “old” bill in the 20s. Not only paper, but the one when they had the loon on the reverse! I’m saving that one! I’ll have to go get more CAD I suppose, but HEY! Imagine? I’ll almost bet that they’re not even in circulation in Canada at this point. I’ll have to see if anybody’s collecting them. And maybe get a frame. I think I have a 5 framed too.. some-where here. I’ll have to check. If not… I know I DID have… and if not? More shit to miss.) Anyway, there wasn’t enough time to get to Bedford after and then get back to work, so I went into Ace in St.Allbeans to find that butt-cup for Bobo… they didn’t have it but I got the 3-outlet add-on for the extension cord for the tea-kettle and the heater. 5$ but it’s proven worth the investment already. – Timing was such that I could get over to “Good Stuff” as well. They didn’t have any “Rush” so I got 2 bottles of “Jungle Juice”. One for “them” and today? One for me! Just for the schitzengiggles of the matter. 20$ each! I remember when it was all of about 3$! Shit! Well, I figure “they” got me 20$-worth of shirt and jeans for my birthday in 2012 when I got here… there’s 20$ back. I gave the jeans (34 waist) to Jester. The shirt hangs in the closet, too small. I’ve paid them back, and paid forward. (Though Jester’s never worn the jeans… J’m’en câlisse.) – Errands done and it was almost 11.45 already! So a quick buzz to Hannaford’s for 2 small Fage yoghurts (2 per-cent shit! It’s all I can get here… that, or no-fat. Fuktardz.) a V8 and some sort of 4-cheese “pocket” sandwiches (2 per package at 1,97$). And I actually had to rush to the office! Even with a car, there’s no time in a day to do the things I want to do. And since I didn’t get to CIBC, I’ll have to do that on Monday morning! More rushing about already on the agenda for the coming week. Alas… – Well! I opened the window at 12.30 and there was somebody there already, with a package to go! The mail was a bit late arriving and then, as I began, another one, waiting for a cheque! BUT, all told, it was another non-stop day, but I had time to enjoy my customers and make nice with the village. – I had to ring the C. today, because I couldn’t get into some reports and such. She’s no help. But she did say that she’s going to send Rachel over for a couple of days to show me how to run the office… alone. I can’t wait! For more reasons than one! Especially considering the absence of assistance and the expectations that things will run along fine. But, as the C. said today: “You’re busy with the window and cleaning.” Hopefully, shortly after the holidays are done, this will be over and I can get on with running the office. MEANWHILE, ANOTHER “canvass” for PTFs and the likes! Isle la Motte is included in this one! Seems nobody wants to work the islands. I’d grab it, but for the distance from here. If i could afford to simply move, I’d be there… SO BE THERE! Oh well.. the other consideration is that I happen to like the Sheldon office and if I were to take the PTF, I’d lose Sheldon completely. So? I have what I have. Besides, here, I still get travel. If I were to relocate to Isle la Motte, I’d be driving farther and getting no travel. So? Trade-off. Still… I wonder what other spots were open… for NY, let’s say. I have NO trust in ANY of these bitches… NONE, not one. – Sent off the 350 money order to “the Hotel” today. They’ll get it on Saturday, but I don’t give a shit. I’ve paid them. They’ve gotten their 500$ this month and that’s all I give a shit about. They don’t make things any easier for me… I’m still not cooking or eating well in this place, so? Take your arse into town with your money order and deal with it. That’s life… that’s “Life”. – This evening I was OUT of the office by 16.45!!! Reports and deposits and all! Hurray! And the car wasn’t all frozen shut, thankfully. But the wind-shield washer… I need to get that fixed. Indeed. – The trip back was fine and when I arrived at the shack, all were rather “quiet”, and not at the trough. Fukkem anyway. Her ladyshit was whining because of some misplaced medications. Muscle relaxers. Poor bitch… muscle strain. From what? Had to actually get up to pee? Or was it to graze? Honestly! The bull-shit in this house is enough to make healthy people puke. – Bobo was already on the booze. Jester was in full-swing “pity party”. I came to the room for tea. – Sorted out the paper-work, the cash for where it goes and what’s left for me for another 2 weeks. Not enough to “live” on but enough… tightly. – Having a second tea. The heater is on. It’s rather chilled in the room this evening. I’d like to shower before bed but the truth of the matter is, I don’t have the energy… honestly, no energy. I’m TIRED! Tomorrow is an early day… early morning!!! And after work? I don’t know. It would be nice if they’d all get into a car and take a trip to some-where. I can hope… I won’t plan on it though. I could “nap”. I could… what-ever. But as I say… I won’t plan on it. – I checked the Skype. Viv left a message this morning. Apparently G&D are stomping over her head. Reminds me of Helene (and Matt). I’m rather thinking that they (G&D) aren’t aware of how loud their walking is through the floor. I simply recounted my experience in Rockaway to Viv in my message and I’m leaving it at that. She’s recording the noise and planning on a visit to the regie. Me, personally? It’s none of my business and love her as I may… I remember too much of no caring or concern when I was in need… None of my business…. really. – And so, the day is done and I’ll be under the covers soon… to be awake again shortly there-after. – As the day closes, I have to say: I wonder if they know I have the heater and I wonder what the back-lash will be because of it. But all the while I’m thinking… I’m now paying them 500$/month. I can’t say that I care whether they “like” the idea of the heater or not… But I DO want out of here… soon.

Sat.20.Dec: 5.13 and I woke to 15°. The heater is on. Just up from a smoke. Bobo’s awake and in the parlour. Her ladyshit is snoozed on the recliner. The stars are twinkling in the sky and the barn-thermo reads -5°F. Winter. It’s here. – Interesting thought this morning: It’s the 20th. First off, tomorrow is Winter. And in 5 days, Christmas. And I don’t “feel’ either one. No “celebration” at all. Dull. Dead. Nothing. – I’m “old”. – 6.04 Caught up with yesterday and I’M HAVING SUCH CRAMPS! Probably from the 6 jelly donuts before bed last night and general anxieties. – I’m ready for a snooze here! I still have over an hour’s time… to me. I just might nap a bit. – The heater’s still going and it’s still chilled in this room. Nothing as bad as it COULD be, with the cold. But chilled. I’ll check the météo… MINUS 13°! (6°F) OK! No wonder it’s chilly in the room. – 21.29 EVER SO COLD OUT THERE!!! But not too bad in the room.. since I had the heater on from 14-20.00 today (and it only got up to 21°which shows how cold it is out there!) – NOT a bad day at the office today. Just the very beginning with some shit coming in AT 12.30 with some shit to mail and nastily says “Let’s just move this along.” Fuck you! I blew him off completely, did what I had to do and that was it. He was gone. After that, the mail showed at about 9.30, and I got it running right along. AND I cleaned some more! The place actually smells nice (Murphy’s Oil Soap). Clean. But it’s no-where near done. – I could have been out of there AT 11.45 but I cleaned a bit more and was out by 12.05 or 12.10. – Took a spin into Enosburgh to get the butt-cup for Bobo (I don’t know why… I just did… I’m an arse.) And whilst at Ace, got some non-concentrated “Dawn” for the office and a mini Mag light for my keys so I can see where I am in the dark… just like the little light that Lou had given me (FUCK YOU CINDY, JOE, TONY AND NANCY!!! FUCK YOU! JUST FUCK YOU!) (OK. I fee better now. Not really, but…) Then… over to Family Dollar for tinsel and ribbon to wrap the “little brown bottle” for Bobo and her ladyshit. I got a box of chocolate-mint cookies there too… for tonight… (I just finished them.) – AND THEN…. 2 Macs and small fries! I don’t like the McD’s in Enosburgh. Much prefer the one in St.Allbeans. And THIS ONE? SOMUCH FUCKING SPANISH SIGNAGE! I must remember to formally complain! It truly actually honestly made me sick to my stomach! Total shits, the lot of them there. But, I got my macs today… I ATE! – And then I got back into the car and came back to the house by about 14.00… where… I came in, came up to the room and… went to bed! I was SO tired that I was barely focused whilst driving along. (And the roads were a mess… pack-snow and ice for most part.) – Set an alarm for 15.35 and wasn’t under the covers for moments and I was drifting already. Then came the knock on the door. “They” were off to St.Allbeans on their “usual” (as Bobo called it) trip and would I like anything from there? Nice to ask, but if I did, I’d’ve gone m’self. But hey… I just said “No.” and “Thank you.” and went right off to sleep until only moments before the alarm sounded. – WELL! When I woke, having the house alone, I tried to take advantage of the luxury: skate-strap 10z with MY brown bottle. It wasn’t all I’d hoped, but with the un-known time constraint and the fucking dogs yipping. It wasn’t “bad”, but I NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! Thank you. It didn’t last long either… but almost just in time! – “They” returned, I don’t recall when, settled to watch TV. I stayed in the room all evening, browsing and such. – At about 20.45, I decided I NEEDED a shower! I don’t know what it is but my feet stink terribly any more! TRULY AWFUL! I used the “Dawn” for the shower tonight. I don’t know that it worked against the odour, but at least I’ve showered before bed and should sleep nicely. – At about 21.00 I checked Skype. JUST MISSED VIV again! She signed off at about 20.45! SHIT! Oh well… I left her a message or today and will look for her tomorrow… try, try again – And now? It’s warm in here (with the heating pad on and the blankets). I’ll go for a smoke and then to bed. I’m dozey already. – 23.09 News: An Asian and an Hispanic cop were sitting in their patrol car in Brooklyn today, at about 14.00, eating lunch. A Black shitfucker came out and shot both cops in the head, killing them. Then, allegedly, the nigger went to the subway station and shot himself. He’d boasted his plan on the soc.med. and he carried it out! And on fesses-book, there are people defending the previous shits who got killed for resisting arrests and the protestors claiming some connection with Furguson. This world is a fucking puss-filled shit-hole! – I need to stay away from the soc.med and the news for a while. – Going to sleep now… I hope.

Sun.21.Dec: 8.24 I rather woke at about 5.00 this morning and rather dozed until 8.00. And now, the F. is 55° in here, the heater’s going for the past 10 minutes, so it’s UP to that. I’m “post-pop” this morning with head-ache. But no regrets. Bobo’s up in the parlour, having re-stoked the pellet stove (and this room is loaded with the smoke). And the other two are still in bed.
WINTER this morning. THE LONGEST NIGHT is tonight. Tomorrow, the nights shorten and the days lengthen. It doesn’t seem possible, how quickly that happens. And in another 3 months, we;ll be back to mud and then warm weather again. Time passes so quickly.
This morning, I set my sights on tomorrow, a delightful visit HOME in the morning and a return to the office (my office) there-after. And I look forward to both. – 21.24 WELL! I am in bed and SHOWERED! And the house is silent because the others are gone… They’ve been gone… all day! Seems her ladyshit was in pain this morning, and, thinking it’s a recurrence of last year’s cellulitis, they ALL went toddling off to hospital. That was about 12 hours ago. I just got a call at 21.06 from Bobo telling that they’ve R/O the cellulitis, they can’t find anything physically wrong, have put her ladyshit on antibiotics and will be d/c’ing to home at some point. It must be delightful to have such resources to be able to toddle off to hospital when things “hurt”… and other-wise sit about the house whining waiting for the money to be deposited into the banque account. No, I have NO sympathy nor compassion. – Meanwhile, I managed to wash my clothes from the work-week. And… tried to make that hanging pot heater using the hangers in the closet. It was a pain in the shit-hole! But it’s done. Not pretty, much. But done. Not too bad. Needs more work and patience. But it’s hanging on that metal lampe-stand-thing from the barn and it doesn’t do much in the way of heating but it looks pretty enough by the window. – And speaking of heating… THIS HOUSE IS SO FUCKING COLD!!! Bobo turned the fucking stove down before he left and the house has taken the chill! I put in a bag of pellets and tried to muck with the thermostat on the thing. I don’t think I did much good, but I can’t abide the poor animals taking the chill! Fucktards… leaving the house like that and the poor animals. – I fed them… QUITE HEALTHILY TOO… this evening. Let Dixie and Ellie out for a bit after I showered. Poor critters. Of course, Mexishit won’t budge and didn’t eat and hasn’t been out all day. But you know? If it shits on the floor… so be it. It’s not the bitch’s fault but Jester will have to deal with the consequences. – Took a bit of time with the skate-straps today. Quick. Simple. Done. Pops too. Nothing worth the mention, in spite of the fact that I mention. – Other-wise, I have the heater on and the temperature in this this room is a balmy 20°! Nice. Almost too warm at this point. But I’ll leave the heater running to warm the walls a bit before turning it off. It takes mere moments for the chill to return and I’m not going to simply let it get colder in here… just because. In fact, I’m in the mood right now where I don’t give a shit whether they know about the heater or not. – And, I’d like to add a note here: I’m SURE I’ll be hearing “Randy says that you said….” at some point in time, since the two fagshits have had a delightful day together, and probably much time to chat. I’ve no doubt there’s to be some kind of back-lash to come. And…? Well, indeed, let it rip because I certainly shall, should the opportunity present. – Tried and Skyped (as it were) Viv a couple of times during the day… Nothing. Alas. Oh well. – And so, at 18.03 this evening, WINTER rolled in. Tonight is 12 hours of night and tomorrow, the night begins to fall back again. Ah… Winter… WINTER! I wonder if this one will be “THE ONE”. We shall see. – I’m sick to my stomach and all with reading about the racial bull-shit in the world. I’m sick half to death about the “Muslim” bull-shit and the pandering to all sorts of bull-shit. And now, with that fucktard assassinating those two police officers in Brooklyn and the out-cries against the police? This world is no longer worth the effort. I’m SO thankful I’m NOT in NYC these days and up here where, well, THOSE PEOPLE are rare. But, this week, I WILL be going to look into the VT CU to see if they hire “minorities”. If not? I’m in there for sure! That Mexican thing was on duty at the NECU this week and she just makes me ill. Then, to see the fucking Spanish at the McD’s in Enosburgh… it all just set me over the edge. I don’t like it. I don’t have to like it and I’ll not patronise such places. – Yes, I am intolerant. And quite proudly so. – A thought: in the shower, as has been before, I am, NO doubt at all, under some kind of surveillance these days for being so out-spoken on the soc.med. But, I welcome the opportunity to have to fight for that as well. I’m just so sick of it all. SO damned sick and tired of it all. – Well, time for a tea and a bit of browse. I watched about 4 episodes of “Allo Allo” today, on-line. A “holiday” treat for me. FTW as ’tis said. – Wow! It’s so warm in here that my eyes are actually rather burning! THIS is AMAZING! And better than freezing! – Oh… no “nibbles” tonight. The only way I would have had any would have been to shop next door… and I will NOT do that! Tomorrow? Hopefully I’ll be able to get a poutine whilst at HOME. OR… some Mae West. (I still have to figure my deposit. I wanted to put 100 in, but I have only 80. And the 20US will give me only 22. So… I’ll have to think of something. They said I could deposit US,but it’s not “tourist” season so I don’t want to bother them with such nonsense. Oh well… we shall see. – Oh yes: PLEASE LET THE CAR BE FINE TOMORROW MORNING! – Thank you. – 22.52 They arrived… at about 22.30! AND… of course, there’s noise to be made. The pellet stove wasn’t functioning properly all day. Jester says: “I noticed it was a bit chilly when we came in.” FUCK YOU! Really! So now there’s work to be done on that. The parcel that arrived today had all sorts of shit in it and now her ladyshit is banging about in the parlour. No doubt, tomorrow will be a “Spousal Emergency” day off… for them. Meanwhile, there’s toddling about and chitty-chat to be done and all sorts of shit. “Respect” for anybody or anything other than self is non-existent in this place. Meanwhile, I’m rather warm in the bed and it’s time for LIGHTS OUT! Early morning tomorrow, with travel.. HOME! and then to WORK! YAY! NOT HERE! – Well indeed, I’d no sooner typed this and was powering the computer down when the knock came on the door: Bobo… to “thank me” for taking care of the animals and the house all day. As if. Thank me? Please don’t put yourself through so much trouble to “thank”.
***** Addendum on Monday, 22 Decembre, 7.05: Obviously, I’d just gotten into bed and the lights out, having a rough time of trying to fall asleep when, AT 23.51, THE PHONE RINGS!!! HER LADYSHIT RINGS ME! WHY? I’VE NO IDEA! I LOOKED AT THE PHONE, SAW THE NAME AND “DECLINED” THE CALL! CA CE PEUT TU? BIN, LA MARDE! OSTIE! I can only imagine it had something to do with needing something, probably the remote for the TV or something. Honestly? It’s Margot, all over again. I’ve not compassion for fat people who do nothing and expect the rest of the world to be there at their beck and call. *****

Mon.22.Dec:
HOME-CIBC
7.10 I woke with the 5.35 alarm and the 6.00 alarm and just could NOT “wake”. As a matter of fact, it’s rather difficult being awake even now. But I’ve things to do and I do so want to be OUT of this place… as soon as possible. – It’s 14° in her this morning and yes, I have the heater on. – Her ladyshit is sacked on the recliner in the parlour. Good thing I took the moment to do my wash yesterday. I’d thought of doing it this morning! HAH! Just proves: NOTHING is for certain… in this house. – Time to check the hours for the CU (on the off chance I decide to change currencies here and then go HOME). My banque opens at 10.00 though. I should get smokes whilst at HOME, but I don’t know that I have the money this trip, although, I could deposit and then buy a couple of packs. I was thinking of getting a poutine for lunch as well. We’ll see how it all goes. Yesterday was only a Ramen noodles and 2 rolls with butter… all day. I’ll need something more at work, no doubt. And today will probably be the “rush” to get things into the post for Christmas. May my revenue-bound and all go well. (HAH!) – 19.02 DirectDeposit submitted and confirmed just now. – More to follow. – (On Tuesday morning…) Well, so much for my “revenue”. THIS turned into a fucking shitty day after a lovely morning at HOME. – I left the house early enough to be able to casually head to HOME. And the sun shone! Through a light Winter fog, but there was SUN! Bright, Winter sun! – At the frontière… JO! Lovely smiles and a familiar face. And ZIP! En route, with Happy Christmas greetings. A really lovely drive to town and “town” was so calm. I went to the dép for one pack of smokes. There were many people there this morning, locals, all speaking English! So it would seem that the French are truly quite the minority. Ca ce peut tu? I “arranged” my cash for the deposit, putting in 40 in US and the rest in CAD and casually drove into town. – I decided to empty all the “change” I had into the account as well this morning. No sense carrying all of that about with me. It’s better “on the card”, as it were. And in the banque, MUCH English! Quite interesting, I must say. HOME… and English is the dominant language. Anyway, the account is up a bit more today. I’m rather happy about that, I must say. And it was good, conducting my banquing where it seems I’m trust-worthy again. May this continue… for the duration of my existence. – Out of the banque, I had a 5CAD on me and I need some bathing soap, so I made a quick stop at Korvette for gel douche. Big “shopping” but it covered the one pack of smokes I suppose. (At Korvette, the linguistic switch. Imagine: I’d always dreamt of the day when I could do that… and now, at my old age, I’m doing so. It’s almost as I’ve always said: 10 minutes before I die, I’ll be …. fill in the blank.) – Well then, it was time to leave the sleepy little rue Principale of HOME and return to the cesspool. And I rolled along, taking my time. It was all of 10.30! Quick biz in the morning. – The crossing back went ZIP as well this morning. A new face again. Honestly. In this land of violence and bull-shit, that they should keep people bouncing about. (Ah… but then, I think of the rest of the day at work and… this place is just a large shit-pit, generally speaking). – I was off to Walmarde. I wanted more pine spray and stuff for the face. – SHIT! The “pine spray season” is almost gone! WHY? I don’t know why they shove the stuff onto the shelves ONLY for the holiday and then GONE, but there wasn’t a single can of pine on the shelves at Walmarde. BUT THE PARKING LOT WAS PACKED! It seems nobody in the state works… they just sit and wait for their Welfare to arrive… whilst the few of us work to pay THEM. I’m really quite sick of this shit. Anyway, I got some piney stuff for the air and my face-stuff and some frozen mini pizzas for lunch and headed to the gas station. I was down to half a tank! – Then things started to move into the general direction that is… my so-called “life”. – At the Maplefield’s in St.Allbeans, I put 20$ on the pump and as I was getting ready to fill the tank. their friend “John” pulled to the pump across! He talked. We chatted. I don’t feel comfortable talking with him and I don’t think he’s comfortable talking with me. But, all said… j’m’en câlisse, to be quite honest about it. Still, one must be congenial and one was. I finished my 20$ and he finished his filling and he left. I got into the car, turned the key and… NOTHING! DEAD! SILENCE! DARKNESS! NOTHING! THE CAR WOULDN’T EVEN CLICK! And there I was, wondering what to do, where to go, whom to phone. And John had JUST pulled away! ALONE! I rang Bobo, because that was all I could think of. He was in the ER with her ladyshit and said he’d be right over. Well, OK. But I got out of the car, opened the hood to see what the actual fuck was going on. All looked fine. For some reason, something in my gut made me jiggle the battery. I got back into the car and tried again and…. VROOM! WE HAD IGNITION! I PULLED AWAY FROM THE PUMP AND RANG BOBO BACK! I told him what I’d done and he said that that would have been the first thing he would have looked at: dirty or loose battery terminals. Well… WHEW! All I cared about is that he wasn’t on his way and that I could get to WORK! And so, indeed, I was! WHEW! – And it was just passed noon! So much for getting into the office early today. – I got to the office just as Libby was bringing in the mail. I told her to just drop it in the lobby. She asked “Is that OK?” I told her “Make it as easy on yourself as you can!” She always seems amazed when I say that. THEN, as she was leaving, I bade her a “Merry Christmas” and she looked at me rather strangely and asked “You say that? ‘Merry Christmas’?” SHIT! This world has come to a place where people, humanity in general, is useless. I’m SO sick and tired of it all. But curiosity and a large dose of defiance keeps me going here. FUCK! Really? Hungry, Homeless, cold people who truly NEED help in this world and this “race” and “religion” bull-shit! FTW! Quite honestly. – Well, I no sooner got into the office when the phone started to ring. The C. Apparently the USP has decided to FORCE me into Highgate! An e-mail went to HER showing the plan and I had TODAY to respond/reply. ONE FUCKING DAY? BULL-SHIT! I had to figure HOW to fax to respond or what-ever the shit from the office. AND I had to conduct mail and post and business! I made mistakes. GRAND MISTAKES! Tried 6 times to fax… it didn’t work. Had to scan and attach… but there wasn’t any place to send the e-mail TO since the C. sent it to me. (I “Reply All”… fuck them.) In my haste, I “declined all” which meant declining the spot in Sheldon! I had to cover that! Fuck! The mail was piling up in the office. Tim came by and I had NOTHING ready! What a fucking mess! I ate my little pizzas and spent more time answering the bloody phone because the C. kept ringing with all sorts of “I think you made a mistake here…” Well YES I DID! THEY send YOU the fucking notice! You forward the shit to me and everybody expects everything to roll smoothly with only mere hours!? WHAT… JUST WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!? – I DON’T KNOW HOW I DID IT BUT.. BY 16.30 I’d gotten the mail together, the financials done, and was truly ready to “tidy” the office when….
BANG! I CLOSED MY FUCKING FINGER (RING FINGER, RIGHT HAND) IN THE SAFE! DIDN’T SLAM IT, BUT THE DOOR IS JUST HEAVY ENOUGH TO HURT!!!!! FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME! THE PAIN WAS ENOUGH SO THAT I SIMPLY CLOSED SHOP, AS IT WERE, AND LEFT! I’ve been putting that office back into order, calming the customers, building a rapport with them, and actually enjoying reporting for work… THIS IS BULL-SHIT! PLAIN AND SIMPLE BULL-SHIT! AND ALL THE WHILE I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK THAT I’M BEING LEAD TO SOMETHING DETRIMENTAL TO ME! I’M FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT!
I got to the car, opened the door, the light went on…the battery is fine! I got in, turned the key, the engine started and I took off. 16.45 and away I was. – The drive to the house was a pain… between the finger and the shit behind me, tail-gating with the high-beams on!!! Vermont drivers are retards. Period! Fucktards to the hilt! – Back at the house, her ladyshit isn’t in. The hospital has diagnosed another case of cellulitis. (Lard-arse is about to lose a leg if this shit doesn’t stop… and there’s nobody “else” to blame…. As I think on it: imagine… having a house, AND a spouse AND TWO CARS!… a sister who simply dumps money into your lap… etc. Nothing to do all day but sit… and all you do is whine, put yourself into a depression, talk about being ready to die… FUUUUUUUUCK! I TRULY NEED TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS NEGATIVITY!) Moving along… so Bobo’s parked on the sofa, I listen to the “news” of the day. Bobo’s sucking wanton soup and says “There’s nothing like hot wanton soup on a cold day to make things better.” (and me? I’m actually hungry tonight and there’s nothing in “my” larder to eat… save… PopTarts. ok fuck YOU!). Jester’s in the kitchen yammering, babbling and blithering about something or another. I head up to the room, my finger throbbing and my stomach ready to heave all. – A hot tea, check e-mails, make new copies of the scans for the PSE/PTF/FTW shit. Nothing from Viv on the Skype. Nothing I want to see on the soc.med. So I browse with tea, have my PopTarts… – THIS DAY HAS GOT TO GO! FUCK ME. FUCK IT. FUCK THE WORLD, FUCK THEM! FUCK IT ALL!
*** BUT… IN ALL FAIRNESS TO WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER: CHRIST! IT WAS A WONDERFUL START TO THE DAY TO BE HOME, ON A MONDAY MORNING, ON rue PRINCIPALE, BEING PART OF THE VILLAGE… AT HOME. ***

Tue.23.Dec: 6.37 I don’t know why I’m awake this morning at this hour. I don’t have to be. And I’m not very comfortable being in this house alone with Jester. The conniving little faggot. (For some reason, the dogs just started barking… Bobo’s at work and the dogs are barking. Not a good way to begin the day.) – My finger is swolen, the one that I slammed in the safe. I’ll write a report when I get into the office today. – And this morning’s anxieties are centred round the pending change and loss of the office. This is not a happy way to spend… “the holidays”. – For some reason, I’m warm, too warm. and I have head-ache. – ‘well? Bonjour, I suppose. – Meanwhile, it’s raining. – Indeed, I went right to sleep last night at about 20.30 and slept a bit after the 6.00 alarm this morning. Sleep. Maybe I should return to that? – 7.32 Just finished the notes for yesterday. Typing away here. The plows are out on the road and the traffic is picking up and I’m ready for my 2nd coffee and smoke. Dicko across the way just came to work and was doing the “shuffle” across his lot on the pavement. It looks like the “rain” is freezing on the ground… as was the forecast for today. Well… let us hope that it changes by the time I have to leave… and today? I WILL be in the office early… to take care of the things I NEED to take care of… let THEM worry about the rest. I’m at the end of MY being “Lah-dee-fucking-fuck-you-dah. – 21.04 The house is here… Bobo and Jester in the parlour. But her ladyshit is still in hospital. The house out-side this room is actually uncomfortably HOT tonight! The chill in this room was about welcomed when I came back. – Anyway, the day? HECTIC! From start to finish. People, parcels, letters and the likes. BUT… NO CONSTANT CALLS from the C.! THAT was a welcome relief. I had to make one to that office, looking for Rachel, but the C. was there. She actually advised me to send my “clarification” e-mail to the higher-ups! I am grateful, but I’m willing to bet there’s an ulterior motive in the act. We shall see. – But folks were very kind at the office today and it was a pleasure to be there. (I wonder what tomorrow morning is going to be like… I’m hoping for quiet, but I doubt that’s going to be the case.) – I got the chance to get more cleaning done. I GOT THE CHANCE TO DO A DRAWER COUNT AND IT’S ONLY 4$ AND CHANGE OVER!!! (I found one count that I’d done where I’d balance to ZERO, but I’m THRILLED!!! I can off-set the 4 dollars with ease! YAY! (The things I’m doing… under the threat of losing the office. But… they’ll never be able to say that I “didn’t” do something that was necessary. Fuck them… fuck me.) And I was out by about 17.00! Hey hey hey! – Drive back was un-eventful… thankfully. – Arrived to only Jester and we chatted about shit… light shit. When he mentioned anything about the house or the other two, I simply said nothing until he changed the subject. But… of course, I’m sure there’s to be shit, no matter what. I need to get the fuck out of here. – Bobo got back and we chatted about the hospital and such. I watched a bit of TV and came back up to the room. I’m having my second tea and will be in bed shortly. Early morning tomorrow… work. – Bobo’s got off for the next 5 days! Gee… time to rummage through the room. How charming. And, no doubt. Oh well… Find anything interesting in here… speak to me about it… I dare. – Meanwhile, a bit of browsing and to bed. WORK in the morning! And I’m NOT complaining. – Note: Seems the biggest concern of Jester is “Christmas dinner” if her ladyshit isn’t back. Alas… they’ll postpone… as if I give a shit. I made it abundantly clear this evening that I find the whole “Christmas” thing… bull-shit. – Hopefully they’ll just leave me the fuck alone! No matter when they have their “do”. Just leave me the fuck out of it. Thank you. – 23.56 Just finishing a lovely “chat” with VIV… and now… I hope to sleep. – The house is in silence… the other two were in bed (separately I hope) at 21.30. But they’re planning on shopping tomorrow… for food for the holiday dinner.

Wed.24.Dec: 6.19 THAT was a mistake… staying awake until mid-night. I’m TIRED this morning. Fatigue-fever. Oh well. It’s not as if I do it frequently. But…. – Viv started our chat with an offer to come get me after work today. Oddly, I’ve no desire to go. If I do, I’ve no idea when I’ll be back. I have to work on Thursday and I don’t want to be stuck and wondering. It would be dinner tomorrow at George and Anna’s. Good to be with “family” but… I’d rather be in the room, letting the day sail by. “Ill be home for Christmas…”? I could do that this year, if the mood strikes. I doubt anything will be open, save a dép or something. Still, I could simply go for a drive or something… if the mood struck. Nah. I’ll stay here, and probably nap the day away. – Meanwhile, I’m SO hoping that the morning will be “light”. Folks just coming for mail and such. And I’m hoping it will go quickly. It would be nice if I could do the paper-work for the “Anon. Mail” and the “Hazmat”. Get that out of the way. Even if I have to quit because of being transferred, I’d like to leave the office “in order”. They won’t be able to say I missed something. So there’s enough to keep me occupied for the morning. I can only hope. – I’d like to go back to sleep. But it’s too late for that now. – Oh well. – 14.01 On the bed at last! The morning at work went very well, in spite of the mail coming to me late. There were a few pone calls, but nothing outrageous. There were operational questions, but none too serious. BUT… of course, at 11.50, some old thing called to ask when I was “open” and wasn’t happy when I told her “I close in 10 minutes.” AH… and THEN, at 11.55? Moron comes strolling in to ask if I’ll be open much longer, HE wanted to post 1 quart of maple syrup! I convinced him to go use a flat-rate box and told him that I believe the St.Allbeans office was open until 15.00. Sent him on his merry way. AND… I made the weekly deposit! – Hoovered after all the reports were done and was out by 12.40!!! (On the clock until 12.15 of course.) And I got SO much tidying accomplished today! As I told somebody: even if they force me out, I’ll leave the office in order… for a change. – On the road to Enosburgh for vodka which was on sale for about 19$ with the tax and all! YAY ME! Then to Dollar General for… red balls (50% off!) and 2 tins of Chef Boyardee pasts (dinner tonight and tomorrow), and a box of shredded wheats. I suppose I’m “set” for the next day and some. – The car makes me a touch nervous so I didn’t go into Richford today. Oh well. There will be time for that eventually. – Got back to an empty house… they’re out shopping, Bobo and Jester… how romantique. They’ll have to visit with her ladyshit as well today… and what a shame I’m so friggen tired! But, fine. So be it. (They’ll go visit tomorrow as well, should her ladyshit be in hospital.) – I’ve got the sneezes and neck-ache now, from fatigue. Earl Grey is steeping. Immediate plans: a smoke, tea, check Skype, nap. Let the “holiday” roll… fuckitall. –
20.00 Just up from a smoke and noticed: the TV is on, the parlour is empty, the door to the bed-room at the end of the hall is closed. So romantic, loving, caring… Bobo and Jester, together, in the bed-room… and her ladyshit laid-up in hospital. Oh yes… That’s “Love”. – Me? I’m on my second “martini” with a splash of tonic. The first one didn’t hit. Hopefully the second one will bring sleep. Both pot heaters are lit. CBC on the radio. The news? Some 18-year old nigger got shot and killed… again. It makes me wonder: Civil War? How delightful. And oh yes! It’s “Christmas Eve”. – What a lovely, loving holiday. Indeed. –
23.08 Heading down for the last smoke of the day and then to bed. 2 martini-fizzes (or what-ever they could be called). No help in the tired, but I’ve got head-ache now. Looking forward to sleeping… until I wake up. – Still can’t shake that shit about Bobo and Jester. With that and them and the news of all the looting, rioting, violence going on… ON CHRISTMAS EVE! This is coming to “The End”. People, for the most part, are shit.

Thu.25.Dec: 9.37 Oddly enough, I don’t recall “trying” to fall asleep last night. I just decided that it was time to go to sleep, powered the lap-top down, put out the light and the next thing I know, it was about 9.00 this morning. Bingo. All through the night. How lovely. And this morning the two of them are all cutesy in the parlour, giving manicures to the dogs. And Bobo asked if I wanted to go visit her ladyshit with them today. T’est pas bin serieux.J’pense pas! – The thermo on the back barn is reading 40°F! The snow is almost completely gone. The sky is clear and the breeze is blowing. It’s more like Spring than Christmas. So much for “The North Country” this morning. Well, we’ll see, come February. – I’m bot hungover. But I’ve got hot flashes and sweats. Don’t know why. Stomach’s a bit “off” but that could be from eating half a box of “frosted shredded wheats”, as snack, with-out milk or such last night. – Oh, the store is closed today, making for a silent sort of morning. How lovely. – And me? The very first thought of the day: Get the fuck out of this house. Even to the motel in Sheldon. Time for serious thought and action on this matter. Second thought: auto repairs. – Merry Christmas, indeed. – Humour of the day: Santa and Mrs. Claus… Murray and Mary… Christmas. – 17.27 Just up from an hour’s nap, a tin of ravioli, and a smoke. The other two are seated at table, finishing dinner and talking “gigs” and hard-drives and such. Quiet. “Together”. How “romantique”. PUKE! – ANYWAY… A NOTE OF INTEREST: before they left this after-noon, at about 12.30 or so, I went to use the loo down-stairs (Jester was in the shower) and decided to grab a smoke whilst down there. So… I went out to the porch, had my smoke with Dixie and when I came back in… the back door was LOCKED! I knocked, and knocked, and knocked. Dixie, at the door with me, barked. Ellie, in the living-room, barked. And I knocked and knocked and knocked!!! I’d been LOCKED-OUT!!!!! It took a while before Bobo finally came round to open the door. “Oh! I’m sorry. I saw that the door (to the loo) was open and I figured ‘He’s done an went back up-stairs.’” Imagine that! Then he laughed and said that the front door was un-locked. Meanwhile, I was standing on the back porch, in my slippers, wondering how to get back into the house! Imagine that? – OK. Well… at about 13.00 they left and… I took advantage of the time: 10z today, with pops and skatestrapped and the boot-bag AND… VOILA! HF10z! Brief. But ever so worth the time… at last! – And then, back to browsing about the net, and registering with a “Forum” for Legacy owners. SO much information on that thing! – At about 16.00, they returned from visiting her ladyshit at hospital. I can’t help but think how terribly cold it is of both of them to show there, after the “trist” last night. But… Not my monkeys. Not my circus. – At about 16.15, I laid down for a nap. I was so tired! (Gee… I wonder why.) And, woke at about 17.00. – The day is done. “Christmas” is done. Passed. And I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow and returning to work. In fact, I’m looking forward to the end of this day and time to go to sleep… and hoping that those two won’t suddenly decide to throw some kind of “do” when it’s time. But then, I don’t have to be to work until noon tomorrow… they’ll wait until Friday night… when I have to be at work by 8.30 the following day… no doubt. – No word from Viv all day. I wonder when she went over to George’s. And, no doubt, she’s still there now. Oh well. – It’s rather odd to think that there have been so many years when I ached because I wanted to be HOME for Christmas. This year, I could have been… either at Viv’s or simply a quick run just to be on the soil, under the sky, in the air. And here I am, here, in this place, in this house… and not regretting that I didn’t go. I should think of something for the “New Year” I think. There’s time to ponder. No doubt, I’ll be right here, again, in this room. No prob. It’s going to be a time when I have to plot and plan on getting the Legacy up and together and on the road for the longer hauls. So? So…. – Fri.26.Dec: 18.45 And the day is over and done and I’m actually tired enough to get under the blankets. There’s nothing “food”-like to be eaten in the larder but I don’t want to be awake again at mid-night, so I have to try to stay awake. – There’s really nothing to jot about today. I woke at 6.00, went back for a nap at about 10.00. Bobo took off this morning, all “done up” and with-out Jester. Hmmm…. Me? I got up, got showered, got dressed, went to work. Got cottage cheese for “meal” because my stomach wasn’t quite “right” all day. Hopefully it’ll suffice. I did have donuts and a bit of Coke. Maybe tomorrow I’ll treat me to a burger or something… some-where. Maybe I’ll try to venture over to Mayhew’s. I don’t know. Seems the car is devouring the gas all of a sudden. I only just got a fill-up on what? Monday? And a quarter tank is gone already… almost. Just what I need: to get a new gas tank or line or what-ever. I know it needs a “tune-up” and such. But really! And I KNOW gas prices are going to rebound drastically come the beginning of the year. So? So… I have a car thought and I’m not complaining. – Other-wise, it was a slow business day but I kept ever so forever busy, cleaning and going through papers. If I’m to keep this office, there’s a LOT of filing that has to be done! But I got my reports in and done and taken care of so I’m rather happy about that and my time went over to Lisa and to the C. (who was out all day, Rachel taking her place.. which made for a delightful day for me… no phone calls ever 3 minutes). – The schedule for next week arrived and I’m at the office all week (thus far). – When I left at about 16.50, there was still enough light all the way, to see the road and such! – Got back to the empty house this evening and put a coat of silicone on the “City Loggers”. I had to. They need to be water-proofed. Oh well… Hopefully the smell of the silicone will wear away soon enough – And now, at 18.54, the other two are making dinner… meatball heros. Soon the smell of cooking beef will waft into the room and me, actually thinking about how wonderful a nice steak would be about now, will become… am becoming because the scent is starting… nauseated. “Food”… makes me sick just to smell it cooking. – Wednesday night, Bobo told me that they’re planning on a “Christmas” dinner when her ladyshit returns and “YOU! If I have to handcuff you and drag you, YOU are having dinner with us!” (Yep… righto Bobo-boo-boo. Fat fucking chance. As I told your concubine: I do NOT eat with people I do not like.) – Moving along… Perhaps a bit of soc.med. and then I’ll try and see if I can’t pass out for the night. Tomorrow morning… YAY! “The Crique”! – 21.35 FORGOT TO MENTION THE RABBIT IN THE BACK YARD THIS MORNING WHEN I WENT FOR MY SMOKE!!! HUGE RABBIT! AND JUST THE OTHER DAY I WAS THINKING OF HOW I HAVEN’T SEEN ANY SINCE COMING TO THIS STATE! HUGE! RABBIT! RIGHT OUT THE BACK DOOR! I wonder where they all are hiding up here. – Time for last smoke. And to get rid of the stench of popcorn in this room. – Why is it? At 19.00 I was all but falling asleep… and now, at 21.44 I could stay awake through the night? Oh well… lights out! – May the car continue to roll on through.. until I can afford to start fixing it up. – PS: Not a blip from Viv. I’m supposing she’s annoyed that I didn’t jump at the opportunity to go HOME for Christmas.

Sat.27.Dec: 6.38 Now, an I’m waking, not feeling well after waking at 1.30 with HORRID KNIFE-LIKE CRAMPS! I got up, peed (in the bottle, of course) to relieve the pressure and it helped, for a brief moment when… I HAD TO BOLT FOR THE LOO! So I decided to head down-stairs, so as not to wake anybody in the house up-stairs (they’d been drinking again last night so… But I didn’t want to wake them at 1.30). Dixie followed me but I went directly to the loo where even the bowel movement didn’t really help much at all. And yes, it’s apparently little more than the donuts I’ve been “living” on for the past 2 days. Still, getting them “out” wasn’t much help at all. – I took my time to see if I could simply empty, but when things stopped, I got up. – Dixie was waiting for me at the loo door! I brought her out, had a smoke. She had a shit too! Imagine? Poor little thing, having to wait for somebody to let her out! And here, I was feeling rather bummed, as it were. Well, I’m glad I could be here in her moment of “need”. – Back up to the bed at 2.00… for the remainder of the night and try to sleep and hope that the bowel movement helped get rid of what-ever it was trying to kill me. But…

I woke again at 6.38 from a MISERABLE DREAM:
It’s all really weird and vague and contorted. It was always dark, night-like. There was a fellow (Nick or Lou, not clear who/which but he resembled them, like a combination of both) with whom I was very much in love with. Whether or not he was straight was un-clear and un-certain in the dream, but there was some implied relationship between us. A group of some sort of criminals was out to kill him. I was sobbing from fear, trying to find him, hide him, help him get away from them. But… they GOT HIM! (The dream didn’t move or flow along, it was “flash moments” in time”, disconnected rather, from each-other and so) There I was, with somebody else (Zur/Bradshaw?) in an apartment, a strange lay-out, very dark, rounded corners on the interior and exterior walls, dark colours on the walls, dark art-work. It was the apartment of somebody we both knew who might be able to help us help Nick/Lou. Whom-ever we went to see wasn’t there but arrangements had been made to borrow a vehicle… a strange vehicle that I was to operate. It was something of a “car” but it floated in the air for the most part and rolled on the streets on LONG poles with small wheels. It bent, twisted and turned and I steered it and Zur/Bradshaw was afraid of the height (we’d left the flat in the vehicle but simply floating it off the gallerie, then I lowered the wheels to the street, but we were still some 5-6 storeys up). I told him that I knew I could make it tipsy but I wouldn’t because I knew it bothered him. – Back to the hunt for Nick/Lou and I was SOBBING, BITTERLY because “they” were hunting him down to kill him! I still didn’t know who “they” were nor what he’d done to make them want to kill him. But I was in PAIN from the sorrow and sobbing! – They didn’t want me… the wanted him and they wanted him DEAD! – Flash scene: We were “above” the site some-how, looking down on the diagonal. A black-top road/parking lot, abandoned but rather fresh, black. A “roller” of some kind, being operated by some-one, something like a steam roller but more complex. And on the “road” the barely recognisable remains… THEY’D KILLED HIM! AND NOW THEY WERE ROLLING-PRESSING HIS BODY INTO THE PAVEMENT! The roller rolled back and forth over the bits of flesh, bone and blood, back and forth, again, and again, and again, until…. NOTHING! NOT EVEN THE STAIN! GONE! COMPLETELY! NO TRACE OF HIS EXISTENCE AT ALL! MY INSIDES FELT AS IF THEY’D IMPLODE WITH DESPAIR! IT WAS AN EXTERNAL PRESSURE FROM WITH-IN… SUCH SADNESS AND EMPTINESS! I SOBBED UNTIL… something in my head, in my mind, in the dream, the thought that I just couldn’t take any more of this HORRID pain and that I HAD to wake because it was a dream and I could stop the pain by waking… and I did.

6.49 Still feeling rather crampy. Woke with the 5 and 5.30 alarms and went back to sleep. Just weak this morning. The cramps and shits knocked me out Donunts. Too much of that shit. I need some actual food! And… to get to work. – 7.00 already. Just up from a smoke. Bobo’s awake and about. I still have remnant cramps. It’s going to be an interesting day, I see. – 17.27 Just up from a smoke.. just up from a “nap”! At 14.02, I’d set an alarm for 15.30 and went for a “lie-down”. The alarm sounded.. I went right back to sleep! – As for the day? Well… this morning, shortly after putting down the line at 7.00, I went to use the loo to shower and such and it was “occupied”! JESTER! SO! I took my tooth-brush, soap and towel and went to the loo down-stairs where, as I continued to empty my cramped bowels, I brushed my teeth and, with minimal soap and water, washed my face and wet my hair, toweled and returned to the room to dress and get the fuck out of this shit-trap. Imagine! “Needing” to use the fucking loo at that hour of the morning when, in fact, the faggot had nothing to do all fucking day! So I left, angry. I still think and believe: Those who do nothing but collect income for NOT working, are living off the taxes that the working people (such as myself) are generating to support their lazy, fucking, faggot-asses. AND THEY, therefore, should consider and respect those of us who are paying their way, paying them for absolutely nothing. I truly must learn to leave this matter where it is. It’s never going to change. In fact, as time passes, it only gets worse. Thankfully, I am getting older by the moment and soon, will be dead. One less schmuck to toil to support the fucking lazy. – Off and down the road to the office where I arrived at about 8.15 and got into trying to make heads-and-tails out of the papers and such and to continue with my “cleaning”. At about 8.30, Libby arrived with the days mail (not too much, thankfully) and the day commenced. – It went right along though, with some time to clean, some time to get my reports done, and take care of the customers. Of course, the busiest time came at 11.00. But by 11.30 I had the 1412 done and cleaned the front door, window and wood, and put new signs up with the hours and such until 11.45 for the final scan. – At about 11.50, somebody actually came in and, through the closed counter-window asked if it was too late to buy a stamp! Honestly? FUCK OFF! – Noon, I left, stopped at the market for bread, a tin of chicken soup, egg-nog and a pastry for eating this evening. There was a different, older woman there today. And the shelves are emptying. Sad. – Directly back to the house, crampy all the way. – When I arrived, Bruce-the-brother-in-law was just leaving. Bobo said “Perfect timing. He could have helped with the chair.” which I heard as the intention to ask me to help with something.. after not showering because of THIS shit? They HAD to use the loo at 8.00 this morning for THIS? Because Bruce was coming? FUCK FUCK FUCK THEM! (17.41 as I type, sitting on the bed, under the blankets, there’s another fucking FLY buzzing my head! Trash-trap, this place.) – SO… I came in, up to the room, grabbed the boots, brought them out for the second coat of silicone and came back up to the room. Went down for another smoke and on my way back up, “Oh, there’s our company!” says Bobo as “Mike” showed at the door. – As for “the chair”: Bruce brought Ruben’s auto-recliner-lifter LayZBoy from Mass. Bobo said that they have no choice now. Well… there is the Hell of being cramped for a day or 2, and then there’s the Hell of being ill always and having to care for the ill. (I still say: Their relationship is one side not wanting to be alone and grabbing the first thing that paid attention and the other wanting desperately to get out of town and found someone to take it in AND give it a house… all for a “marriage”. How charming. Like bringing children into the world simply because you want company.) – Moving along (which I must do before I get too deep into this shit…). – I came up to the room and that’s when I set the alarm and decided to nap after having 2 rolls with butter and a hot Earl Grey tea. – And now? Here I am, listening to the radio, quietly, in a chilly room. The two are at table eating. But I must note that when I came in from work, I was offered “meat-ball hero” (I declined… especially because of my gut) AND when I just went down for the smoke, I was offered to partake of the meat-balls and pasta that they made (I declined… especially because my gut). – Now, I want to see what I can recall of last night’s HORRID dream from the notes I typed this morning. It still haunts me. – 18.27 Finished journalling the HORRID dream of this morning. My chest is heavy even recounting it. And my guts still feel knotted. The radio is playing non-stop music this evening. Music from the 60’s through…. There was a montage of the Beatles (in “Disco”) and now “Ca Va Bien”! Well well. – I’m having my Earl Grey and pondering another smoke and back to sleep. OH! PLEASE! SLEEP! THROUGH THE NIGHT! TO WAKE WITH-OUT THE CRAMP/PAIN! – Still… that dream… Nick/Lou. Zur/Bradshaw. Why them? (Enigma is now playing on the radio… ENIGMA! “SADNESS”… as I think of the dream. SOMEBODY… SOMETHING is haunting me? And… funny… PAIN… in the left side of my chest. Sadness… dis moi…) Tea’s done. Smoke. (I want a place where I can simply reach over and get one again!) – 18.49 Just up from a smoke. A sense of “doom” that I want to expel from my soul, but can’t because of the cloud-cover. It has no place to go to… some-how. And when I got into the room, I looked out the North window and for a snap-moment, thought it would be a diversion, something nice to do, to head to Esopus… to the bar! And in that same snap-moment, the realisation that ( a ) it’s SO FAR AWAY and ( b ) that bar probably isn’t even there any more. And I can’t recall the name of it! Imagine? I can’t recall the name of the bar! – The large pot-heater is lit. Not so much for the heat but for the pine fragrance and the glow… the light. – I’m drifting into “empty” some-how… and the radio is playing “oldies”… “Disco” era… French. My head is in Montreal… back then. – 22.24 the house is quiet. My gut feels “punched”. And I am going to put the light out and hope for sleep… dreamless, painless, restful sleep. – Saw from Viv on Skype! She wants to get together next week-end. That would be lovely… I hope. I left her a message. And I’ve set the alarm for 7.30 tomorrow morning to connect. – Somebody just went out the front door. Imagining it’s Bobo. Hmmm….. Oh well. Not my monkey. Not my circus. –

Sun.28.Dec: 8.18 It was difficult to get to sleep last night. I swear I was still awake, in the dark, at 23.00 and later. But this morning, I’d set the alarm for 7.30 and woke at about 7.15. Feeling a bit better than yesterday but not quite at full. Oh well… a bit better is better than the same or worse. So I don’t care. – Had m’coffee. Got on the Skype… no, there’s nobody there… had m’smoke. Bobo’s up and about already. Says he’s going in to see her ladyshit today. Aw.. how romantic and kind. (Not). Me? I don’t know… it’s raining out there. And I did have a bit of a dream:
Daylight this time! I was in the yard (but not this one… something more like the yard at Mary P. in Barneveld, of all places) doing something when I decided to take the bike for a bit of a ride. Ellie was with me in the yard and she followed. I biked along what resembled the RailTrail between Enosburgh and E.Berkshire, along the river, for a bit and suddenly noticed that I’d gone MUCH farther than I’d planned. But, I was already in town (where-ever that was… it resembled Newport) so I decided to check gas prices, because I wanted to fill the tank in the car. Ah… when I got into town, I checked and noticed that Gulf was only 1,08 the gallon and I was thrilled. BUT… I was on the bike! So… I started back to the house (knowing that it was HOURS away on the bike) when, the front tyre on the bike went “flat”, or a slow leak, as it were. But it was strange because it was a slow leak, but it would re-inflate as I rolled along and then go back to flat. At one point, I had to descend wooden steps that went from the road down to the trail along the river. Ellie was in front of me, “flopping” her way down the steps as I walked the bike down, watching the front tyre flatten and inflate, and it took me a while to get down the steps because I was depending on the back tyre to keep the bike up-right and that was slowing me down some-how…. And… before I’d even made it to the mid-point of the steps… I woke.
OK. No “murders”. No sobbing. But there’s the bit about looking for gas… being far away from the house… flat tyre. What in Hell is on my mind that my brain is clearing out? OR, what kind of premonition is happening here? – Still, I woke, on my own, and not exhausted this morning. So I suppose that’s good. – And now, to try to word my Travel Expense message/claim. I want to submit it by Friday at the latest. Shit! I’m supposed to get paid for the travel… and maybe they’ll see it in their best interest to simply MOVE me to the office and leave me there… alone! (But I doubt it… oh well.) – 20.57 A few hours on the Skype with Viv today! VIDEO! Now that was a wonderful break! AND… whilst on, I managed to get the bed-linens washed and my “work” clothes too! AND… I’m showered now! WOOHOO! The little things in life. – 21.49 In a clean bed, clean me, and I spilled a bit of the Ramen broth on my sweats! Fuck me! I was SO hungry that I wasn’t paying attention and dropped a bit on me! How appropriate… for me… to my life. – Anyway, early this afternoon, the two of them left the house to shop and visit her ladyshit and I rushed to get the bed-linens washed! THEN… Viv came on the Skype. She did her wash (7 loads, she told) and I did mine. I wasn’t expecting them to return until late, but they returned at about 15.00 or so. – Funny anecdote: Bobo comes in to tell me that Bruce told him to “clean the engine” as it were, by taking it out on the open roads and opening it up. Well, he did… says he was up to 130MPH when… the head-light unit FLEW OFF the car! He was lucky enough to get it off the side of the interstate on the return. But imagine: he had Jester in the car, going 130MPH! AND… the car falls apart. Alas. BUT… Bruce told him he should so he did. Honestly? I don’t know about some people. – Anyway, Viv and I had a nice chat until the internet did what it does here… screwed-up, cut connections and such. So that was that. I went for a nap. – This evening was quiet in the house. The hospital is saying that her ladyshit should be discharged tomorrow but the word here is that the leg isn’t well enough. There’s also talk about her ladyshit taking “residence” down-stairs which means… a crimp in my laundry in the mornings now. Oh well… I want out of here anyway. – As for “meals” today: 2 rolls with butter, then I made “dumplings” out of the last roll and had that in the Ramen broth. And 2 PopTarts. I am SO HUNGRY right now. 6$ on the FS card and 13$ in cash. The 5’s will be used for gas if need be before Friday. There’s about 60$ there, thankfully. – Viv was expecting to go to George’s for dinner this evening. I hope she got to do that. All the while we chatted, she mentioned the stomping up-stairs. I still wonder if they actually know that it’s that loud. But I don’t dare to say, for fear of being mis-understood. Besides, not my monkey, not my circus. There are times when keeping one’s mouth shut is best policy. – So, now? I’m ticked about the little bit of broth on the sweats. But the linens smell so clean, I feel relatively clean after a nice shower. – And a note: this evening, Jester, who was drinking again tonight, says to me… “Don’t worry about opening your door, your light doesn’t bother me at all.” Why the fuck would that be mentioned? Then pulls the “Mother Theresa” shit: “I told Bob that even if I have a migraine, I’ll get up in the mornings and sit down-stairs with Lyle to keep him company.” Oh please! – And so, there’s the day. – The broth on the sweats bugs the shit out of me. But tomorrow morning, I’ll just toss them back in with the camos and sweat shirt that remain to be washed. Tomorrow night? Shower before bed again. Tah-fucking-dah. – I’M HUNGRY!

Mon.29.Dec: 6.21 I woke, on my own, at about 5.30, as Bobo was leaving for work this morning. And now, the last of the clothes are in the wash, including the sweats from last night. I slept in them, and this morning, I’m in the sweats I wear as under-wear. I don’t know why I didn’t sleep in these instead. But… – Feeling rather “off” this morning. Hunger, no doubt. And feeling “I do not want to be bothered with another day”. Hunger? Or just plain fed-up? I don’t know which. – There’s a cold wind blowing out there this morning. Winter makes a return. As Viv described it yesterday… “normal”. I put the little heater on whilst I put the wash in, just to take the chill out of the room. Well, I haven’t had to do that for a couple of days. Winter returns. But truly, I can’t complain. It’s the end of December. There won’t be much cold to come. There’ll probably be bitter cold, but not for very long. And… the wash will be complete. It would be nice to be able to do this on Wednesday. But I doubt I’ll have the pleasure. You know: to see the “new year” in with everything clean and in order. Oh, the superstitions. – And again, this morning, I mourn the loss of all that’s gone, and curse those who gave me false hope of help, and those who turned blind eye, deaf ear and stone heart when I begged… BEGGED for help. But there’s a car out front (which will, no doubt, cause troubles else-where) and to those who helped me in my time of such intense and greatest need (else, I’d be looking at a bike ride again today), my heart beats “Thanks”. – Soon and very soon, I am going to see “the King”. Soon and very soon… – Another day begins. – 10.26 The house (Jester and the other critters) is up and moving about. The temperature in the room is 23°! DELIGHTFUL! especially considering the out-doors temperature is MINUS something. – I’m a touch tired after my nap and HUNGRY! and thankful for the 5s today because I’m going to have to use them for something to eat… what-ever that might be at this point. I just hope the car holds out for another day. – Always something to worry about. (Minus 6° out there now… “maximum” for tomorrow… MINUS 12! Yesssiree… Winter has returned!) – 19.15 I AM SO TIRED! Just waiting for the hour to become late enough to crawl away and sleep. – The heater is on to take the chill out of this room. – Her ladyshit and Bobo are in the parlour. I gave “them” the little brown bottle, but her ladyshit took it and fell asleep. Oh well. I gave it. The end. – Meanwhile… I suppose it was quite the day! – As I was leaving the house for work, Kathleen from the library was passing in front of the house. She came up to the porch and gave me a HUG! Ca ce peut tu? WOW! We both agreed that we need to have that picnic! I’m shocked… a HUG… IN FUKLIN! WOW! I MUST stop by and thank her. Really. – Then, I get to work and as I’m casing mail, a card for me! At the box there! From George and Anna! A sketch of an owl by George! Quite loveley. And laminated! Greetings from Anna in English. Greetings from George in French! SO CUTE! (I’ll have to find something “VT” to send back. I MUST! – As for the day, it rolled along and, as usual, got quite busy toward closing. At one point, the Quebecoise came in to send her usual and I forgot to give her the tracking number so I put the flat-rate on the photo-copier to send the tracking number and forgot it… the flat-rate. When it was time to put the postage on it I panicked! I’d forgotten that I’d put it there and couldn’t find it! UNTIL… I had to photo-copy something else, and there it was! How stupid! – had a chat with Rache today. She’s at wits’ end! Poor thing. She’s being worked to death! I wonder what kind of nasty plot is in the workings over there. She’s exhausted, working her 8 hours plus Saturdays! Hey! She’s making money… but she’s got no life and she has family! Honestly, the C. is miserable! I don’t trust the shit at all! – Well, I was out by about 17.00 after a touch more cleaning. And got back to the house to the 3 of them sacked in the parlour. – I came up to the room for a longed-for tea and some donuts. – A message from Viv on the Skype from 5.20 this morning. I replied just now. – And now? I JUST turned the heater off and the chill is coming back! SO TOO QUICK! – Rache sent the financials for me to see. I read through. I don’t understand them. According, the Springs did about 90$ revenue this month and the “Crique” did over 200$. Makes no sense. But… it’s nice to see the Crique doing more than the Springs. – 19.28 the time is passing too slowly. Time for a peppermint tea. Minus 14° for tonight. Should be an interesting wake-up tomorrow. May the car hold out. (And I have to get up to Bedford too! Smokes. Maybe some food? Y’think? I spent cash on lunch today.) – Oh, and in the toss-away change container here? over 12$! WOW! Gas money! If only I can get to convert it to paper… but I don’t need all the change at the office yet. I’ll ask Lisa tomorrow. – OK. Browse a bit and tea and… hopefully… SLEEP!

Tue.30.Dec: 7.37 Spent a little too much time on the Twtr (8539266) last night. Didn’t get to sleep until almost 23.00. Not a good thing, there. Heard the 6.00 alarm and turned it off and went back to doze. Then, at about 7.00, Bobo went into the “closet-room”, presumably for extra blankets, and the sound of that door comes right through the wall. I’m awake now. And it’s a “full house”. And Bobo, being the “loyal husband” slept in the recliner last night, in the parlour, beside the spouse. How romantic, and… right, especially after the “trist” whilst the husband was in hospital. – As I had my smoke, the flash-back of Scnitzle, rolling under the tyre on 84! The sound of him whining as he tumbled! My mind! If ever I slip into dementia, THAT will be my HELL! My mind is a terrible place to be in… so best to be out of it. – I need to think about going to Bedford today or tomorrow. – The heater is on. The windows are frosted. The room was quite chilled this morning. I’ve got head-ache this morning. – Another day begins. – 22.03 And the day ends. – First note: DAMAGE TO THE CAR IS CONFIRMED! THE REAR BUMPER HAD 2 CRACKS IN IT! NO DOUBT FROM WHEN BOBO ADMITTEDLY “BUMPED” IT! FUCK! (I put up a little sign in the P.O. today… looking for another place. THIS is THE END!) – Meanwhile, in other news…. – The day went quite well. I FILLED the tank on only 17,25$! HALF a tank! Less than 20$! Shell, mid-range.Not bad! And the car runs SO much better with a full tank. Poor thing. – Then, on to the market for a samich. Not much else since it was in cash today. But… better that than nothing. I just can’t make it through a day with-out eating any more. Maybe it’s the cold. Maybe it’s time I started eating. What-ever. – Work was wonderful. Several chats with the C. She told me that she’d sent word to keep me in the office where I am. Says she: it’s because I’m happy there AND she doesn’t have the time to “re”-train me. Me? I KNOW it’s because she doesn’t want me in that office any more than I want to be there. She even suggested that I simply resign if they force me and then wait for the position in Sheldon to be posted to the public and the re-apply. (Me? I don’t trust here in the least. I’d rather fight from with-in, thank you.) She’s screwed the hell out of Rache already. There’s no telling what she’s capable of. – And so, I was out by 17.00 and the office is tidy and such. I’m good that way. – At the house, I stopped to see Kathleen at the library this evening. I don’t know why, but it seems she actually enjoys my company. (She’s probably genuine, but this being Fuklin… I trust NO-one any more.) She’s going to phone me when we can figure a date for that “picnic”. I rather look forward to it. What the hell. Eh? – Then, this evening, as I’m settling into a chat with Viv on the Skype… I get asked to help move her ladyshit to the other recliner for the night! Ca ce peut tu? Oh, I did. And I noticed that h.l.s. is looking “chalky”. Not good. There’s more to this bout than many are considering. I hope I’m wrong though. Truly. I do hope that I’m wrong. Not that it’s not been asked for. Still… to lose a leg? That would probably be the toss-over to the “end”. I wish NOTHING even of the remotest sort. – On Viv’s suggestion, I looked George up on the fesses-book and sent a “request”. He doesn’t up-date often and some of what he does jot is the “typical” “you are my good friends” crap. But then again, I’m not sure who he communicates with on there. They very well might be. Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see if he “accepts”… especially if he looks at my political rants. As if I care. But his art-work is quite beautiful. I must say. – This room is quite cold tonight. The little heater isn’t able to keep up with the bitterness of the out-doors and the walls. But I’ve got it on “High” for the night. It cycles and the thermometre works on that setting. We shall see how it does over the course of this night. I doubt it’s going to be much difference. But at this rate, even a little bit is better than nothing at all. The morning will tell. – I could use a bit of a shower before bed tonight but I’m not “that
“dirty” so I don’t much mind not. – Tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll have the energy to work and head up to get some smokes (at least enough to get through the week-end) and something to eat in the room. Cash again… but at Metro. It’ll probably be a costly trip, but that’s OK. That’s what that account is for: smokes and “regular” shopping. – OK. Just finishing my egg-nog. Time for a quick check on the browse and to get SOME sleep!

Wed.31.Dec.2014:
HOME
6.20 And the day begins… WITH CRAMPS AGAIN! (It must be those cheese danishes from the market. That’s the only thing I can think of. I had one the previous bout of cramps, and last night, before sleep, I had one. And this morning… CRAMPS! ) – AND… this morning, the “helping hand” with h.l.s. who is in terrible pain and wants to go back to hospital. And I will take this opportunity to note: I was still awake at 0.30 this morning, so I’m rather tired, the cramps are in full swing, I’m still quite annoyed (“pissed”) about the cracks in the bumper of the car, BUT… I was a nice little “assistant” in spite of it all, and lent a “helping hand”. Fuck me! I’m about to be re-paid at some point… for, no good deed goes un-punished. – I left the little heater running during the night. Woke this morning to a nice 20° in the room. What a delightful change from the not-delightful 14° that it damned-well could have been. Hell… paying them 500$/month now, I’m going to use the heater regularly. It cycled through the night, didn’t over-heat itself or the wiring. It takes a while to get warm in here, but the poor thing is tiny, in comparison to the room size. So it does quite a nice job, considering. – 18.58 And so, the day is coming to a close, so too, the year. Quietly, thus far. And before I get into the day, just a bit of a note: There’s only “the two of them” in the house again as hls has returned to hospital. I’ve been in such a mood for pizza for several weeks now, and this evening, just now, when I went out for my smoke, Jester was taking a large pizza out of the oven and slicing it… he asked if I wanted some. Truth? The smell was wonderful. The notion of having pizza was SO enticing, until… the thought of eating “their” food and eating with them. It actually makes me physically ill. It’s actually come to that point here. Horrid! But, it’s the end of one year and the beginning of another and there are changes to come… changes. – That said… – I got to work AT 8.00 this morning. And I got my Travel expense done! And a few other things that needed attending. The only thing that will need to be done when I return is to put the paper-work away there. That’s going to be quite the project, but I’m looking forward to it (and will be taking the time I need… no matter what). – The day went right along, with-out time to simply sit and do nothing. And, of course, at the last moment, just as I was getting ready to wind the day down, the money order! But.. I got it done, along with the deposit and such! YAY! I was cleaning, putting the office in order, after noon, when a guy came rushing in asking “Do I have time to mail this?” A box! I simply said “No.” and he left. Some moments later, another one walks in with a Priority box. “Where can I drop this?” I simply told him “Not here. But you have to bring it to a window and the only office open this afternoon is in Newport.” (True.) Working with the public is fun… but it truly shows the general stupidity of Humanity. Still… I got away with it and happily. And the office is a delight. – It must have been about 12.45 when I finally left, got into the car and drove… into and through Fuklin. The Saab was gone when I got into town. I knew then, hls was gone again. I just drove right along… to… HOME! I was headed for some shopping! – The frontière… JO! How wonderful! A little chatting and I was on m’way. SO nice to be HOME today in the sun-shine, in spite of the bitter cold. – Metro: When I got there, car parked in the packed lot, I got out and, the very first thing … A TOONIE! RIGHT THERE AT THE REAR OF THE CAR! 2014 ENDS WITH BEING AT HOME AND FINDING MONEY!MAY THIS BE AN OMEN AS TO WHAT IS TO COME IN THE YEAR TO COME! And so… I got a trolly! I was shopping “normally” today! And, although I didn’t get the hot cereal that I wanted (but FS should come tomorrow so I can get it domestically, as it were), I managed to get: 3 “cup of noodles” type of cups (one of which I’ve had… TOO MUCH SUGAR in spite of the general good flavour); Peanut-butter!; had to get a box of 12 cans of tonic, but that was OK; container of yoghurt hopefully to help my stomach; 3 boxes of AuCaramel… for Rachel, Sue and one for “the house”; a box of MaeWest (for ME!); 3 packs of smokes!; a bag of “mini croissants” which are more like bread but for 2,50$ I suppose they’ll suffice (they have thus far, I’m half through the bag!); a can of 50!; and a box of crackers that I thought were “MiniThins” but turned out to be puffy things… not bad, but not “Triscuits”. Oh well. Still.. SHOPPING! I walked out with a case of soda tonique and TWO shopping bags! “Normal”! How wonderful! AND… I used the CIBC card! A CARD! I’m “normal” people… and yet again, at HOME. NOT in the US, but at HOME! – And so, I got back into the car and headed back to … here. – Border? A guy with whom I’d spoken kindly when on the bike. He looked into the car and asked “Got too cold for the bike?” with a smile. I said “No. I broke down and got a car!” He took my passport, asked if I had anything other than the “goodies” to declare, when I said “Nope.” he went in, and in seconds, came back, bade me “Happy New Year” and I was on the road back to… this. – “They” were back when I arrived. I simply came in, chatted, gave them the AuCaramels and came up to the room. (Claimed Viv had sent money with the demand that I buy food… fuck them.) – It wasn’t moments later that they were on their way out… to shop, visit hls, and Jester needed some “blood-work” or something. YAY! – I hit the washing machine. Somebody put a pair of pissy pants into the washer! I didn’t know they hadn’t been washed until I put them into the DRYER! OH! So I scrubbed the inside of the washer, tossed the throw rugs back into the dryer (to take the odour and such out) and put my jammy-sweats and some clothes in to wash. – Whilst the wash washed, I Hoovered the room! CLEAN! Last day of the year… the room is CLEAN (as clean as it’s going to be). – I even got time to SHOWER! (So, at 19.33… nice hour, I’m SHOWERED! CLEAN!) – I brought my garbage out to the “garage” (it was picked up this morning but I didn’t put mine out, oh well), brought in a bag of pellets and finished JUST as they returned! Whew! – Put the financial papers from the offices this year into a box, packed away. And I’ve been noshing. – I’m rather tired tonight. (Gee, I wonder why… less than 5 hours sleep last night, working, travel, shopping, cleaning. And no nap!) I do NOT think I’ll be up and awake at mid-night tonight. But I’ve got vodka, vermouth, tonic, and TWO “50’s”! So… in a bit, I’ll have SOMETHING to drink. After all.. tomorrow, I’ve no plans. So perhaps I’ll stay in bed… if I can get this room warm enough. The heater’s been on for the while and it’s only JUST getting UP to 19° and still there’s a miserable chill in here. I’m wearing TWO hooded sweat-shirts! – OK so that covers it. – I’m NOT NOT NOT looking forward to starting a new year tomorrow. That much is depressing me terribly. – I think what I’ll do is make me comfy on the bed, look for some BritCom or something on the Internet, something to watch, have what I’ve been thinking of as a “Martonic” (martini with tonic). I wish I had a nice glass. I’ll have to have it in my mug. But that’s OK too. – OH, and George has already opened the communications on fesses-book! I wonder how he’ll take my comments. Not that it’s going to make any difference one way or another. – And as for hls? In hospital after giving Bobo the worst time getting into the car. It took FIVE of them to get that into the car! Bobo, Bill (from the store), and 3 passers-by. CA CE PEUT TU?! – My eyes are starting to burn here. – A drop-by to see if Viv’s on the Skype… she’s probably at George’s, I’d imagine. –
23.20 I am in a clean bed, clothed in clean sweats (from New Hampshire, where I spent wonderful days and nights, with some-one whose company made me very happy). I am warm. There is candle-light and oil-lampe light. There is calm. There is a car. The car is mine, and there are no “payments” to be made on it. I have no “payments”. I have a job that I truly love. “My” office is in order. My paper-work is in order. I am making delightful payments to my landlord. I can afford those payments. I have a banque account at “HOME”. It is in good order. I function ever so well in French and English. I have worked very hard this past year. There is a rocking chair in this, “my” room, that I reclaimed. I have worked very hard this past year. I bicycled through rain. I walked through ice and bitter cold. And there is candle-light, there is oil-lampe light in this room. I am alone in this room. I am in a clean and comfortable bed with an afghan that I made, crocheted, to cover me. I am in clean bed-clothing. There is a car parked out-side my window that is mine, and there are no payments due on it. There are people in this world who helped me get that car when I asked for help. I am in “The North Country”. I am in “The North Country” and it is Winter, it is cold, it is bitter cold. And I am warm. And this is how I will see the year 2014 out, and this is the way I will see the year 2015 in… Here, I am in PEACE… this is how I will see the year 2014 out, and this is the way I will see the year 2015 in. And, as this is the way I see the year “in”, so too, will it be, that this is the way I will pass the year. I am not “Homeless” now. I am warm. I am showered. I am clean. My bed is clean. My bed is warm. There is quiet. There is calm. There is PEACE. This is how I see the year 2014 “out”. This is how I see the year 2015 “in”, This is the way the year 2015 will pass. This year… is what-ever *I* want it to be.