January 2009

Thursday 1 January 2009: 2010 NEXT & LAST!
Journal – This can’t be happening to me! (FRI.2 10h37 MMlib) Yesterday, the first day of this “New” year. Nothing’s “new” about it. It came in very quietly. The day at 30th Street was very quiet. NO SIGN OF C.W.! He left last night and hasn’t returned. Hopefully he’s having a good time and he’s covered so he doesn’t loose anything here. – Me? I spent the day in. Cleaned my locker a bit. Cleaned the floor in the dorm. Cut my hair. The charge on the clipper went so I had to use the scissors too. The job is OK. Not good. Certainly not great. But passable for now. Showered. Ate. It was a lazy sort of day, spent, mostly, alone in the dorm. See? Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s “new”. I have 3 room-mates who had someplace to go to, someobody to spend the day with. I spent the holiday, like all holidays spent, alone. But Craig did bring a smile to my face when he saw me coming down the hall with the mop and started to chant “Mop mop here, mop mop there and a couple of tralalas…” (that’s how we pass the day away in the merry old land of Oz). And so, as the day progressed, George came in (sober!), Ray came back, Rich came in. The day came. The day went. And nothing… BUT! THIS IS 2009! NEXT YEAR IS 2010! 55! I CAN START COUNTING THE DAYS NOW! AND I’M ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT… PLANNING IT! CHECK-OUT TIME IS APPROACHING! I’M READY!
(From BlackNotes:2009 JANUARY THU: 1 (140 days of Homelessness. Almost 5 months./109 days in the shelter. Almost 4 months) It’s 12h43 on Saturday, the 3rd. I’m in the Sedgwick library, at a sunny window, trying to capture the past whilst waiting for Ginette to come to work (at 13h?). – I managed to log more “Monogram”, so now to 2009:
There was no need to wake early this morning. Guad is in hospital and there’s been no reply to my several calls and messages left by phone. It’s not a Tret. Day. So, I “slept-in” until about 8h or so. Ah, the beginning of a new year, here, solo in the world, solo in a shelter. A small, steel-frame bed, a thin, plastic-covered mattress, a thin, plastic-covered pillow, industrial sheets and blankets. No one to consider “family”. No-one to consider “friend”. My world, my being in a steel locker. And daylight struggling to penetrate filthy windows and disgusting dusty screens. A cold morning. January. Honestly? I had absolutely no sentiments on the whole situation. Nothing funny, amusing, entertaining, depressing, up, down or other-wise. All was simply a matter of fact and no particular feelings or opinions or observations were warranted. It was 8h on a different day. That’s it. That’s all. My emotions are shutting down, shutting off. I’m certainly not complaining. Now, to be rid of the pangs and gnawing desires to force siblings and acquaintances to feel and know, fully experience, the pains they’ve caused me. Cyndi, Joe, Tony, Margot, Penelope… the list. Liz too. 20 year! It took me 20 years to collect and record all that music from Mr. G’s Roundhill Lodge! The collection of Baroque, Afrikan… GERMAN, QUEBECOISE… old music, new music! GONE! The books! College texts, Kafka, Tolstoy, psych. GONE! Photos. Journals. Clothing. Furniture. Work. Art. Internet. The Bronx site. The Newburgh site. Research! Records! GONE! The days of hunger, thirst, exhaustion, hot, cold, wet, silence, depression, anger. Nobody cares! They did it. They’ve moved on. For them, it’s done. For me? It will never end. – 2009. A new year, alone in a shelter. CW is away. George, Rey, Rich(16), gone. I washed (by hand, in the small sink in the loo across the hall), socks, under-things. I mopped the floor in the room. At about 13h, I finished last night’s chicken-pattie-things on 2 rolls. Ate the Buddig turkey. I sorted the locker. Repaired the strap on the umbrella. I kept busy. I kept occupied. – The day was unusually quiet in the shelter. Some found places to go to. Others did what I was doing: keeping busy, taking advantage of a day when we didn’t get thrown out onto the streets. Still others just slept. 2009. A new day, new year, new calendar and the very same shit. – I napped a bit, but no long. I could do that. I was alone. – In the evening, the 3 returned from whence they’d been. I always think: they’ve got “family” and “friends” to visit, but not one will give them escape from this shit-hole-hell. How stupid are they. Me? Nobody. Nothing. No-one to visit. And I just don’t care at all. I just, simply, don’t. – And so, that’s how it went. If there’s more, I don’t recall. CW didn’t come back. At 8h17 I rang Ginette. Left a message. – Tomorrow is a work day. Tonight? Just the same old shit, including the hope for sleep. – Oh Oh Oh! Finally reached Ginette! She’s at the Sedgwick library now! I said I’ll see her Saturday!

FRI.2 10h42 MMlib: You see? Nothing’s changed. I’m back in the library in the morning… passig time. I’m not caught-up with the “Monogram” jounral yet. That’s still in September. But I’m trying not to fall behind too much on this. Besides, it’s a new year (BIG friggin deal! Eh?) My guts are bound. I did have a BM this morning but it’s the rest of the BS I’m putting up with. I need more hours to work. I need more income. I need to get the hell out of 30th Street! I need to get away from the chaos and bedlam that is the homeless system. I just need to get away from ALL of this. But here I am. – Last night somebody asked after C.W. in the hall. There’s been no sign, no word. Why do I care? I probably don’t, really. But I just hope he’s OK where-ever he may be. – For now, I have 7 minutes left on this PC and it’s almost time to get running again. So, this put in, I’ll close and go. Supposed to snow then rain today. Supposed to be cold and not so pleasant over the week-end. Perfect for me… not-so-pleasant…
(From BlackNotes) FRI 2. 141/110 (13h22 On Saturday. Still at the Sedgwick library) Up at 6h30. Morning routine. At about 8h30, a dickhead “security” idiot came pounding on the door. “Time to wake up!” He went to D19 and pounded there but the reception of his stupidity was quite different. Banging. Slamming. Door. Yelling! Cussing! I only wish that it had gone to where he’d been beaten. It didn’t. I left. A walk to the MMLib. 45 minutes of checking ALL e-mail accounts and not much else. A casual D to A to Lefferts. The library was full! I went shopping for flip-flops. The size 14 was gone! I got Colgate Total toothpaste and some tote bags instead. – Walked to Tret’s. Arrived 13h15. A chat with Joey. A day of sweets and coffee. This evening, as I was leaving, Joey tells me he wants me to consider more hours… cash! Ah. Now to hit the bloody cow with THIS! – Tonight. CW. I reached him by phone at 20h43. he was on a train back. Is his “shit” still there? Would I sign for him? It begins. – At about 23h40, I was trying for sleep. A tap on my foot. CW had returned. BFD! (Big Fucking Deal) Did I sign for him, he wanted to know. I told him I hadn’t. Attitude. Well. Call it the “new” me. Call it the “improved” me. Call it the selfish me. But now? It’s about ME and MY survival. Favours? If I can with-out personal ramifications. Other-wise? No! I’m learning: Nobody’s here to care for or about me. I must do what I must do for me. I have no intentions of participating in this life any more. I’m here. I do what is necessary for my own comfort. No more. No less. Happy new year.

SAT:3. 142/111 13h41 Sedgwick. I’ve got to pee! I want a smoke! I’m a bit hungry. I’m quite tired. No sign of Ginette. – Up at about 6h30. Morning. Rey left before me. George came in shortly after Rey left. Rich(16) out somewhere. George and I spoke for a bit. I was off to Rockaway. Good cheque. The Wave. A to W4 to D. Sedgwick library by about 11h20. No sign of G. The clerk said security doesn’t come on until 13h, so I went up to the 2nd floor and got my 45 minutes on the computer. Logged more Monarch, searched free CAN classes. If I can register for that, Simmons had better back the fuck up off me. I’m improving my chances of full-time steady income and, on a selfish stand, improving my chances at a very hasty escape from the Hotel Shit-hole. Ah, to be out of it, done with it and away! – Having some time, I got to journal and when no security showed by 13h30, I headed for the stairs. – First floor, at the bottom of the stairs… G! It was heart-lifting to see her! There are so very few people left in my existence who mean anything at all to me any more. So very, very few. As I think of it, even Dennis has diminished. CW? No. Not really of import. Pookie? Haven’t heard from her since I can’t even remember when. Nope. G. Real. No bull-shit. – And so, hugs! We talked. We caught-up. She took her break. We went for pizza. PIZZA! Hot food! She paid. I tried to give her a 5 but she wouldn’t take it. – She looks so much better than she did when last I saw her. Fuller face. No darkness about the eyes. She sounds better. Clear voice. It did my heart so much good. – I stayed to talk until 17h when the library closed. We walked up University to Tremont and up to The Concourse. Yes, it was cold. But it didn’t matter to me. I was in great company. It was difficult to leave her, but I can find her again now and that’s important to me. – The trains back were a terror! D service on the 8th Ave line, in segments. No Flushing trains. Packed platforms. Miserable L service. More packed platforms. I walked from union Square to the market for some food. – It’s disgusting being here, in The City. Too damned much history… too bloody many memories: Once upon a time I shared an apartment on 22nd. Once upon a time I shared an apartment on 24th and 3rd. As I passed Rolf’s, I recalled that, once upon a time I ate there. Once upon a time, I flew to Montreal. Once upon a time I was crisp, clean and tidy. Once upon a time, I cared. Once upon a time… Now? University reminds me of my Mom and her stories about boy-friends who lived in those neighbourhoods. The Jerome El reminds me of riding it with her down-town to Takishamaya. This area in The City reminds me of more affluent days. It all reminds me of all that’s gone and how it’s so late in life that there’s no sense in getting any of it back. And it all reminds me of how it all disappeared. Quite truthfully, I hate being here, in The City. I need to get out, get away from it all or else? Or else I’ll just break, just break! – At the end of the day, it would be nice to just go “hone”. have a little bite o eat, something to drink, a little dessert. Have a smoke. Sit. Relax, These days I need to be concerned about coming through the security check. Will he DHS cops be doing their job and getting people through efficiently? Or will they be laughing, giggling, pissing and moaning as the queue snakes round the court-yard? Will I be standing outside, in the cold, listening to the ignorants yelling profanities, wanting cigarettes, trying to jump ahead of everyone else? How many drunks, loud, filthy-mouthed, staggering drunks will there be yelling, screaming, swaying or just making me ill with their foul, vulgar, odour? How many newcomers will show with enough luggage to holiday here for 6 months or more, requiring 20 minutes or more at the security check? How many simply refuse to follow the general protocol-point? How many will wit for the last second to empty pocket, remove jacket? How bloody long will it take me to get into the building? How many Blacks will jump ahead of me, almost daring me to say something> how many “Hispanics” will pretend they don’t understand English and jump the queue? How long will it take me to get inside? And once inside, will I have to walk up to the 5th floor (gain) because the lift isn’t working or because 5 idiots have shoved ahead of me to get into lift that can’t handle more than 5 people at a time? And at the dorm, who will be in? Will music be blaring? How many fools will be yelling in the halls? Who will come by to interrupt my one meal of the entire day? – No peace. And above ALL else, I wonder: will there be a notice of transfer on the bed or locker telling me to pack-up and get ready to roll out into the night to another shelter, farther from work in a night-marish neighbourhood and all because Simmons, Renee Simmons, got a bug up her shit-hole and decided I should be the next one out? – No Peace. – But the day is done and I’ve shoved food down my throat as Charles blocked the door in his urine odour, asking Trivial Pursuit questions of Geo, Rey and me. I’ve simply looked as Dana Do-Rag came in at about 23h30, saw that Rey was sleeping, that the room was still and banged on Rey’s locker simply to wake him to say “Ah… go to sleep.” It’s the end of another day at the beginning of another year. – I need to get away… somehow… anyhow.

SUN.4 143/112 14h52 D18 Slept until about 8h. no more rush to this day now. Too late. Mended my gloves in the early morning dim by the book-light. Straightened my locker. BM. Journalled. Ate my donuts. I’d like to work on a kippa. No time now. Want to get to the MMlib around 13h opening. Will I/ I don’t know. – Rey was out by 9h. Geo and rich(16) are STILL asleep! ALL BLOODY DAY! Any wonder they keep Rey and me awake all night? There was some kind of confrontation in the loo. “Security” yelling at some guy who yelled back. A smoking issue: “Nobody wants to smell your cigarette smoke, your crack smoke, your smoke smoke…” “Fuck you!” Gee. I do wonder what would happen if I tried that reply. Well? Well. An older guy from down the hall is mopping the hallway! Chit=chat-blah-blah-yaddie-yah in the loo. Tony (Muscle) laughing. The air smells nice from the mopping. I need a pee, smoke, shower, escape. It’s 12h20! Time to go… somewhere… anywhere… ELSE! – Got side-tracked today and WOW! What a beginning to a new year THIS day became! – CW showed up at the door before I got to the shower. I asked if he’d like to accompany me to the library today. I’ve been looking for an opportunity to talk with him, openly. He agreed. I said I’d shower while he went to lunch and meet back t the room. We did. of course, the day’s plans went from “Me” to “We” and so, I never made it to the library until WELL past opening at 13h. My wait for a computer was over 2 hours for a 20 or 15 minute session. I decided not to bother (although CW said he’d wait while I waited… how thoughtful?) We left the library. – A guy from CW’s room had told him of a “Health-related” lecture given today. 14h, Mad and 45th. So we walked up that way to find the building. He obviously wasn’t interested in attending, it was about 14h30, a sunny Sunday. We decided to go back to the Shit-hole. – As we slowly strolled down Madison, I quickly lost my mind: I’ve wanted to get CW out to The Fort, but in warmer weather, yet, just now, just then, I decided to take him “for the ride”. If nothing else, the ride across the bay at sun-set would be nice. (From the way he talks about getting his life back, together, having been dumped by brothers and sister, &c., I thought I’d take a little risk, make a little investment, go to the beach, see how “calm” he truly can be.) I had some cash. He (claimed) had none. 4$ for his transport? Worth the try. I asked if I could “take him for a ride”. He agreed. Asked where to. I said he’d have to trust me. he said he did. To the Q we went! To the A to Rockaway! – We had time to sit, relax, snooze, talk along the way. For me, it was a trip “Home” to a place of calm, quiet, respite. I watched the bay beneath us, watched the sun’s glimmer turn the ripples in the water into scattered diamonds. it was lost on him. I was a little disappointed but what mattered more to me was going “Home”. – We got off at 105th. I was going to go over to the board walk but, as we got across RBB I saw the 22 bus coming, heading west. I said we’re taking the bus. I’d planned, at that point, to go to The Fort… Well, to the beach at 169th. – CW just went along with the rapidly changing itinerary. The bus ride seemed lost on him. But, as is “me” these days, I enjoyed just being back the Rockaways. At the end, we left the bus and walked south on 169th to the beach. There was breeze, but it wasn’t cold at all. A woman jogged north-bound past us. “Happy new year!” she called. People. Humans. Consideration. “Home”. – I looked over to T6. Geoff’s truck was there. no going there for any reason. We went to the beach for a stroll west-ward. The sun was setting but still quite bright. – I brought CW into the back building off the Hero Rd., the one where the fat man would linger and lurk on hot Summer days. it wasn’t my actual intention, but when we got inside, toward the back, I just grabbed CW for a “real” embrace. .. A strong, firm embrace. It was returned, with equal strength. A kiss. Flesh. Passion. e moved to another room, the room that would have been concealed by foliage in Summer but was relatively “secret” behind the vines of, of all thing, bittersweet. A shock to me: a BJ was initiated… not by me! An “experienced” act! All the talk of being “bi” well… With the experience this was carried-out, I wonder which is the “dominant” orientation. Hmmm… And yes, in conclusion, both ended relieved. Obviously me more than he. But that’s not an issue. – It wasn’t at all “romantic”, and in spite of the location. Not for e anyway. I wonder if it will be remembered and, if so, will it be remembered as an incident on beach, in an old abandoned building on January afternoon? Or will it simply be a “nut-buster” only? Oddly enough, for me, there’s no “romance” to it at all. No emotion. it simply happened. it’s over. Now I wonder about me: Has the capacity to enter a “relationship”, to have feelings for another, to ever entertain the possibility of these things completely dead? In brutal truth and honesty: If so, I don’t’ even care. Sure, I hope I never cause another any emotional pain. But to enter into some sort of “bond” with someone is so far removed from me now, it’s impossible. I have no hurt, no longing, no yearning… I don’t even have the desire or, bottom=line, the notion. What a wake=up! – So. The sun was setting, beautifully as it does in The Fort. We walked out past T9-6. Geoff’s truck was in front of T6. Thankfully, he didn’t come out as we passed (or even as we left). I’ve nothing to say, no interest in small talk. My membership is expired and I’m not re-newing. I can visit as a visitor but membership days are done. – We got the 35 for The Junction. He (CW) didn’t remark on the view as we crossed the bay. He was sleepy and hungry. I was feeling badly because he’d miss dinner. At the Junction, I need cigarettes, so, when we got to RiteAid I get a pack (NINE DOLLARS!) and some junk-food. I gave him 5$ to get something. He didn’t’ use it there. I got for both of us. He stopped next door for a soda. And onto the train, back to Hell. – He immediately disappeared into the mayhem that is the Shelter. All simply returned to as it was, as it is, as it always will be at the Shelter. And I had no feelings on the matter of the day or otherwise at all. Me? I’d been “Home”. That’s all that mattered to me. Nothing else.

MON.5 (@ 23h39) CZ/MCU/MMlib/Ida-T-home/A-BC-21-HT/ Another wasted HCare visit/Sign-in: James moving “write” due to smoking/Many waiting for beds/Robert cig stinky 2!/Anxious. Trepidation/23h43 lights on.16 snoring.G reading.R sleeping/Me: anxious. trepidations

TUE.6 Screaming halls at 2h/Sleep until 8h/Appt with Simmons/Changed dates to Tue&Thu. then changed back to Tue/Still pushing job for hsng/couldn’t understand MCU dep.slip (120-20’s?)/forcing PA!/claimed she visited on PA by end of Dec but never did/Reid ignored/Sim doesn’t speak she mutters/was relatively pleasant. Feigned caring./CAN on 8th Ref’d to Bklyn/Went to Bed Stuy.Sow No classes. Ref’s to Manhattan. Call back at end of month!

WED.7 12h42 Lefferts Lib. RAIN/PIC umbrella useless/tired/journaling Sunday/3h bed-check! Sec walks INTO the room, can see Rich(16) in the bed, asks Rey if anybody’s in the bed! Goes down the hall banging on ALL doors./RAIN all day, PIC umbrella broken./Day at Tret’s a waste./All were in the dorm tonight./I told Rey that I’m logging shelter bullshit on the Internet./Geo is unusually quiet these days. It saddens me a bit. Rey is exhausted fro all the bullshit./I need to wash clothes, change linens. Funky.
THU.8 11h29 FDlib SNOW and some sun. Cold today/Late start/No need to rush/Feeling terribly dissociated/Craig: You’re sleeping-in quite a bit lately./I took the downtown 6 instead of uptown this morning! Habit. Not thinking. Not focused at all./SNOWING at 3rd ve. but no where else./More snow at Kinsgbridge. Walked to library. Another day logged. Only 45 mins on-line./Sky is clearing. I’m hungry. 13$ FS/Can’t seem to find “me” this morning./My right boot has a crack in the sole! I need new shoes now. Well. It’s been over a year. So many shoes gone because of CM. Good shoes and more gone at RPH. Clothes. Suit. Sweaters. Maroney’s. Music. Web-work. Lap-top. GONE! Why do I tke he next breath?/14h32 at BBlib D-CI-68-Jackie’s. Boots 11 at 24,99$ didn’t buy. People sleeping all over lib. (cont. next pg. top)
[Peace Ochiaga, Uloma Enyi, Renee Simmons/Eunice Reid, Walker, Spvsrs]]Fujardo Ortiz Pina
*
(Sun continues) Back at the dorm, there was food! Somebody came by with FOUR dinners, hot, for Rey. Now there’s the compassion other-wise missing in this hell-hole! The guys are looking out for him. And yes, he truly needs to put on the weight. It’s remarkable, just how thin he is and yet, he keeps going. 49 y/o, almost as tall as I am, he’s so much thinner! And all the while, he puts on the “toughboy”, always ready for a rumble or a tumble with anybody. It makes me wonder what his own story is. But, the most notable point is the support of the guys in here. yes, compassion. – It wasn’t moments later when TWO more meals were delivered! SIX dinner! And these in addition to the meal he’d already eaten. He immediately offered me two. I accepted. I was quite hungry after a day of travel and the “jaunt” with CW. – In the little plastic tray: broccoli, a mixture of corn, limas, carrots, rice with tomatoes and peppers and a small bit of fish. Not bad tasting. This is the dinner touted as “the best” of all the meals served. Like the “Meals on Wheels” of The Bronx, certainly not enough food to satisfy but relatively sufficient to serve some purpose. I ate the 2 offered, Rey ate the fish and rice from the others. Me? I wonder if they’ll “clean me out” (all previous meals have given me the runs). I hope they do some good for Rey. It’s not nearly enough to put weight on him. But I do hope it makes a difference. – It was a gret experience for the heart, all told. – CW? Disappeared. OK. The day was/is done anyway.
MON.5 144/113 (Recapped on Thu. 8 at BBlib) I’ve been making quick notes from Monday through Thursday. Just things to keep up with this Journal. Here, the fill-ins: This morning was up and out to cash the paycheque at CashZone, first thing! I had a mission this morning: to make a deposit, to satisfy the heifer, to put in my 60%, to shut her up on Tuesday. – From CZ to the subway for the next MetroCard. Transport! Above and beyond ALL else! Transport! For work, for escape, in case I need to sleep out of the shelter at night. Transport! – Down to MCU to learn how to make deposits and verify that there are two accounts and that direct deposit has been arranged. Indeed, TWO accounts and 125 into savings. 5$ more than the 60%. Hey. It’s for my own good as well. Not yet enough to get me out of the shit hole shelter. But a beginning. Now I’m on the way to “normalcy”. An account. A debit card. Savings. Now comes the nasty notes from the IRS no doubt. Well, if it happens while I’m in the shelter, the joke will be on the Feds. THEN I’ll hit the “PA” line. They’ll get nothing, the shelter will get nothing. I’ll get nothing. – As I left from the library after all the morning running, there was a call from Ida G. I called her. Tony is back home! She wants me back! Truthfully, the news had me almost in tears. It was such a relief to know he’d been discharged. What-ever happened to him wasn’t life-threatening. (D18) It truly did bring me happiness to know he is OK> Ida dotes over him so. Losing him would be a terrible blow to her. And knowing that she wants me on the case is both a major compliments and a financial relief. Now, to get back on the case. – Even after all of this for this morning, I was on the trains early. Good thing too. I dozed right up to Rock Blvd and woke just as the train doors closed! Fortunately, I was on the Far Rock A so, I dozed again to Broad Channel. Got off there and strolled across Noel to CBB to wait for the Q21 back. What a most delightful way to enjoy a morning: in the serenity that is that lost island community. Oddly, it crossed my mind: I know Christen, Mat, Liz and Dan, people on BC. But I just have no desire to see to talk with any of them any longer. I just enjoyed the eternal wait for the bus… in my own silence. I’m actually cutting away from everything and everybody lately. I’m withdrawing into me. And I’m very much at peace with it. “Me” isn’t such a bad place to be… now that it’s without “them”. For the moments of withdrawal, I find contentment. There’s a peace and a peaceful place inside me. I shut the world out, shut-down and all is well. Maybe it’s the beginning of my 2010 count-down. Peace is on its way. – Got to Herman’s a few moments late… as usual. Another wasted appointment. No matter what I say I’d like to accomplish there, no matter what son Joey tells me he’d like to see his father accomplish, they won’t co-operate. I have my coffee and cookies and leave. Sure, I get paid. But it doesn’t do anything. But, it’s not because of me. So? So… – Sign-in tonight was another typical shelter nightmare. “King” James at the desk barking at Santiago. Some guy names “White” lost his bed due to having been caught smoking in the dorm. Odd. The fat dirt-bag in D19 smokes week in the loo. Just last night (I think), he threatened “Security” when that idiot came round claiming “bed-check”. 19 followed the “security” down the hall, yelling “I’m gonna fuck you up!” But nothing corrective or retaliatory ensued there. In this asylum. Justice has no scales, no blindfold. In here, Justice is an amputee whose eyes have been gouged out of her head! And tonight, a great many were here, waiting for bed assignments. The “undomiciled” are increasing in numbers, and I get to bear witness to the fact… first hand! – After sign-in, Robert (whom I haven’t seen in a while) came to ask for a cig. I gave him one, no charge. But when I went to smoke (in the loo) he’d given it to some nasty, savage arse who’d pissed me off earlier this evening! I simply told him that I won’t be giving away ANY more cigarettes any longer. (I’ve become quite ballsy of late.) – Tomorrow is my appointment with Renee Simmons. Along with the usual stress associated with this weekly appointment with “it”, tonight I’m particularly anxious and filled with trepidation. She simply can’t be trusted. She’s incompetent, lazy, useless and will do what SHE feels she can get away with and keep her job. Just one fat presence of misery, she. – At 23h43, the lights were still on. Rich(16) snoring. George, reading. Rey, sleeping. And noise in the hall, those with no purpose in Creation keeping everyone else awake. – Good night!

TUE 6. 145/114 At 2h this morning I was awakened by yelling and screaming i nthe loo and the halls!

TUE.6

WED.7

THU.8

FRI.9 Bxlib – Noon. D-A. Just missed 7. Walked 13h55. HT stood with assist for Joey x3.

SAT.10 P.O. in am. Cq.Stmnt. A-D-Battery Kessler. – FS posted – Food at MW in PM

SUN.11 Bxlib finished Sept. Momogram/D-Q-99cent shampoo soap/Back 15h alone through/wash/Nobody here/Rey begged by DoRag/Some young idiot “found Jesus, told me to read Gospel John!/Prepping to eat “DHS” flashlight in locker!/Tooting party horn in hall. Gen’l mayhem. PR/PR flag on door/Geo out by 22h30 Ret 04h18 Bang lock, phone call.

MON.12 Earplug al night/Up 5h30/Very sm. BM/LEAK IN SHOWER ROOM CEILING! WATER on floor/Bus-14th-6 Great connections/ Ida at door smiling. T in good (enough_ mood/Danielle came to visit/HT hours down to 2x/wk! Just as I’m beginning to improve and save!/Q7-A-l-6: 33rd Park CZ/FAXED P.O. paystub from CZ to Ada PIC (she wanted it by noon tomorrow!)/Walked to Bellevue Hosp. Dep. 50p ATM/Walked to Morton Wms 23rd 2nd/Not hungry BAD bowels! A us the 11$ off FS!/CVS cigs/Walked to E.30th Right thry/DHS Task Again, pleasant/Talk with Geo r/t death, suicide/Horn-blower in hall!/Down for sleep at 23h45! *Santiago 1 Newport/2 Camels/RAA 1 yr ago today

TUE.13 Earplug last night/Up with alarm/Exhausted But to 14th and perfect timing to AG’s/A good morning at work. He had Speech and Occ. Tx/(17h45 MMlib) Sweating. Burning up. Fatigue./Great connections back to shelter/Will do Tret Mon.Thurs/Fri.pm free!/Town and Country Cons.Syn. on Sat?/Arr’d, signed for Simmons 14h02! Sec. grd. told me I couldn’t’ knock to let her know I was there. “She’s on lunch now. She’ll call you when she’s ready to see you.” I sat in “the lounge”./Spoke with Rey. Then RIch. Then Keith. Events list r/t Simmons: 14h41 Came out of office, looked at and ignored me. Returned to her “office”. 15h13 came from “office”. Walked to the “East Corridor”. 15h23 Returned. Looked at me. Went into her “office”. 15h27 Again, walked to the “East Corridor”. 15h29 Returned to “office”. Looked at me. Again said nothing. Went into “office”. 15h44 I had to pee and had stomach cramps. Went to the loo. She’d previously told me that she doesn’t’ see clients after 16h. I went to eat. Starving. Exhausted./Whilst waiting for Simmons, composed letter to DHS Commish to praise P.O. and U.E./Ate in dorm. Talked with Geo and Rey. Changed into clothes. left for lib just past 17h to compose and send letter via e-mail to commishes and city hall./While waiting, Ida phone. Keys to back door missing./On L train between Bedford and 1st, fell completely asleep/15h55 still over-heated. Want and need sleep!/Signed for Simmons 14h02. Doc’ed here ignoring me until 15h57/No lines. Hungry. Tired./Never got to see her. “No clients after 16h/To MMlib at 17h. Walked. Dead tired./18h35 on PC. Got it earlier. Typed msg DHS and Coalition. No good e-mail addresses! No sent. Pissed. Walked to 2nd Ave for M15 to 28th/In dorm. Meeting! Admin claims. Missed mtg due to no notices posted. Rey tells: Case workers’ loads dble or triple. 2 errors (non-compliance)=xfer. Miss sign-in or bed-check=lose bed. Bathe! (Idiots)/Brindou got leeaten due to not bathing/Geo playing radio too loudly at 22h. Rich16 asked him to lower vol. “Mr. Bossy!” Argument. Geo is actively seeking trouble./I just read Tolstoy. Sick and tired./Vol. down at 23h./I fell asleep reading, wearing glasses/Horrible day. just horrid.

WED.14 At G’s. Bad mood. 20degrees F. this morning/Arr’d 8h21 exhausted/Mrs. complaining about other aide sleeping on bed. Helping self to juice &c. Won’t offer me extra time. They’re going to Access-A-Ride in afternoon./Left 12h30. Q41-Q7-Q10 to Simi. He’s Bavarian. She’s from Luxembourg. Daughter reminds me SO much of VL! Went well. LAST min. he (pt.) runs!/14-17h Bus by 18h!/Tired. Not hungry. Needed food. MW before shelter. God thing./Arr’d shelter about 19h30/Alone! Alone! Ate in relative peace./QUIET NIGHT! ALL IN BED LIGHTS OUT APPROX 22h!/2 fucking bloody bed-checks! Perades (Middle of night “D16″! A new room-mate! Rich lost his bed!/Oh well./Sleep

THU.15 Sleep disturbed x2 last night due to “bed-check”/New 16 asked about bkfst. Pls wake him. He was awake when Rey went. The new 16 slept on Rich’s linens. Quiet. let it stay so./SNOW! TODAY!/As I went for M15, cor. 29th 2nd, accident. Old guy in hospital sox hit by vehicle./Got 15 bus almost immed. Excel timing! /I.G. phone 0h45. 10h appt in The City at NYU./At Rock Blvd I phone, She said come. I arr’d 8h08/her appt cancelled due to snow./Fine. more hours fo me./Agency put me down for Sim tomorrow. No! I want a “good” Fri for a change. But Sim wouldn’t give me 35hr week. Hopefully?/This morning, I thought:
There are things we must adjust orusleves to. in this shelter, it becomes a burden.
The rules and regulations change so quickly. How do we stay sane? Or have we
gone mad and just don’t know?
Last night, James told resident “Fuck you!” “This isn’t the 7th floor/” So what?!
At Tret’s, Stephen gave me Bavarian coffee. Me. With no way to prepare it! They had family “visit”. Invited me to stay for dinner. I decline.
Quiet trip back. Tired. Quick into bldg. in spite of the confusion of the queue.
Eddy(16), state prison. Nice, so far.
Geo screwing up. No show (all night). Santiago let Rey sign. Rey moved covers on bed. Looked like somebody in there.
Rey said: If I could be in a room with more people like you (me) I wouldn’t mind being here. We both agree, being out is better. But must wait for warm weather.
No radio. No noise. Took 2 sleep aids for Benadryl.
2 bed-checks through the night.

FRI.16 At G’s. Cold air! 19deg.F! Arr’d 8h18. My cold is in swing! Runny eyes and nose. I’m feeling so tired. Paper towels in nose while Mrs. G. feeds Mr. So tired.
Got through the morning. Went to P.O. Paycheque (66,13) there so I can get CW MetroCard and pay the phone.
Bombed into The City to cash the cheque. MMlib for a 35min computer.
Nothing accomplished. Got antihistamines at Duane Reade.
Back at the shelter, feeling like shit. A quiet night, thankfully.
Eddy16 does nothing but sleep. But he’s taken to me for some reason.
Oh well. Gee. Like CW? Let’s just NOT!
Dead, dead tired. One bed check. Geo. went out AGAIN today.
didn’t sign-in. Rang Rey to ask him to sign. Rey said “No.” Apparently somebody asked Geo to sign for him and G. said No. Anyway, Santiago came to do bed-check and Rey signed. It’s selfish of us: we know the shit we’ve got and don’t want to risk worse. Rey moved the blankets on the bed. It appeared that someone was in t there. It worked for second bed-check!

SAT.17 What a day! In bed all day! All day! Nose, eyes, running, dripping. Tired. Just a shitty day… ALL day.

SUN.18 Woke at 8h no alarm. SNOW! Up. Loo. Ripped kippa to begin again. Shower at 12h30. out. Walked up 3rd. Cigs at Wallgreens. Library. – Only 10 mins at 16h35! Never mind. Before leaving Rich16 came in. He’s been in hospital! Too funny (NOT) how he plops on the bed with Eddy in it, goes through his locker to get his “possessions”. Asks ME how he gets another bed. He’s been on morphine at hosp. Looks terrible. I mentioned he might be able to get his bed back. He thought that would be god. (After the fight with Geo? He wants his bed back?) – Anyway, after nothing at the library, took M15 to market for some food. Another bloody 16 dollars of nothing! Walked back to the shelter. Very, extremely exhausted. And a full week to come! *[15h30 Saw Reid. Told her of my 35 hours. She told me I can see Simmons on Saturday. God does NOT want me in the synagogue! Well. We’ll see come Saturday.]* Ate a bit. Half napped. Washed sox and unders. – 18h39 My eyes won’t focus all day! Dehydrated from antihistamines. – Chat-chat-chat-yap-yap in the hall! I want to be somewhere where Spanish is a “foreign” language, seldom heard and spoken and where I’ll never hear “Muthufukkuh” again. And now I have to listen to Craig, of all people, talking about “They used us for 400 years!” “They” are the “Whites”. “Us” are the Blacks. All because of tomorrow: MLK. Well! When was slavery abolished? Why is the majority of violent crime STILL Black? Homeless? Black. Why can’t “You” get your shit together and get over it? – Ah, the bullshit goes on. Stupid is as stupid talks and stupid does. You’re in a shelter… January 2009… Blame slavery. Dick-head. And probably engaged at the Black man’s favourite career: being drunk! – If I don’t’ get out and away from this quickly…! (19h08 Eddy tells me he got 20 years in Sing-Sing! I wonder what for. – He flatulates freely.) (Nightly: horn-blowing, toilet-lid slamming, garbage can banging, PR scum-bags yelling in the halls, guys talking on cell phones in the hall, bed-checks with lights on.)
As I’m jotting I just thought” I really do have to get out of here soon. My work day begins with waking at 5h30. Train by 6h45 to get to Guad’s abuse by 8h30. 12h30 to bus to get to Sim (and C.diff) by 14h. 17h out of that for 17h30 bus. Back to this hole of inconsiderate trash by about 19h or 20h. if I get 6 hours of sleep at night I’m blessed. This is going to run me into the ground. (Rich16 just came in. he told his case-worker the details of his absence and asked for his bed back. He has to check-back with c/w at 21h. Oh! And this is my night before a FULL day tomorrow! They claim we’re supposed to find work, make money, get out. BUT they do NOTHING to assist us in getting proper rest for work. The staff, the security, even the DHS cops do their best to disturb the night. And when the dregs congregate in halls and loo, yelling and such in the middle of the night? It just goes on and on and on. Fact: Most of the disturbances are in Spanish.) Even as I jot, the fat, pugged-faced lard-head spic from the East Wing comes shuffling along the hall, yelling at some idiot walking right beside him! – I’m almost done with my kippa but can’t work on it any more. My fingers are too sore! An hour left before sign-in. nothing to read. There’s stuff to bnibble on but I don’t want to eat everything tonight so tomorrow I don’t have to stop anywhere before coming in. Hopefully I’ll be able to just come in, sign-in, get to bed. Honestly? It looks like I’m going to have to start drinking myself to sleep again. The ONLY thing stopping me so far is that, sober, I have SOME control over my temper. If I drink, I just don’t know what I might do in this miserable hell-hole. – The antihystemenes are wearing off! None all day. Time for more. The cold isn’t gone! – 20h02 A little catching up here. The halls are constantly echoing with the cacophony of those who (which? They
Re more “whats” than “who”) won’t shut up for even the briefest moment. Those that (sic) have been here for any length of time know, full well. How sound is ampliphied in these concrete halls. Yet, they mindlessly yell, even in general conversation. Meanwhile, it’s 24degrees in this room. It’s a double-edged sort of situation: It’s a warm place, out of the wind and cold, laundry dries over-night for the most part. But it dehydrates the body and provides a perfect environment for viruses and the likes. Even as I write, I’m sneezing and blowing my nose. I’ve just come back from a smoke in the loo. Something lobbed 2 wads of mucous on the floor in the toilet stall! The others are soaked with urine. There are 2 urinals in there as well but I’m supposing these degenerates can’t quite figure out what they’re for. In addition: We’ve had this one old idiot who constantly walks the halls (sits on the toilet, stands in the shower) talking of arguing… with himself. Last night our administration added a Black to accompany “Cuba”. Now there are TWO strolling the halls, talking to themselves! To make the asylum even more complete, Kalib (the Moroccan who speaks with me in Hebrew) stops by to say “Shalom”. From his sleep, Eddy (Edmund!) gets up and joins in the conversation! Out of no-where! (20h21 Geo just came in! Hopefully HE’LL keep his bed. As it is said” We know the devil we’ve got. He loses his bed and there’s not telling what will follow!) – Kalib says it’s snowing. Warmer weather (the recent highs have been about 18-19F! Ah. The morning. The commute. The “holiday” schedule for trains and busses. – The trials and tribulation. – At about 23h, some money came down the hall screaming “BED-CHECK!” at the top of its lings. I was actually beginning to doze! And the moron kept yelling, repeatedly. All the way up and down the hall. Then? On to the North-West wing and I could STILL hear it! – Well. This is my 35-hour week, of course, anything they can do to deny sleep. – meanwhile, Geo is downing Theraflu. A miserable chest cold. Rey is sneezing and coughing. – Rich16 came in to ask for toilet paper. I gave him. He’s hoping to get his bed back. Something to ponder…

MON.19 A beautiful morning of snow on all the trees! A perfect day to go walking and marveling. Btu certainly not for me. Work. Full day. C-diff. Ah alas. – At about midnight or 1h, Rich16 came into empty his locker. BANG! OK. Wake ME! As if his little trial is my fault. Well, let’s hope he doesn’t get D16 back. I’m at the end of “nice”. At the end. I’m just looking forward to getting the money I need to get out! I’m even contemplating a tend and sleeping bag. When I figure how to shower, I’m gone… back to the out-of-doors. It’ll be so much better out of this shit-hole shelter. – Made great connections to Howard Beach this morning. And with the snow on the trees, it was a magnificent morning. – The commutes went smoothly all day! Of course the did. No school. No brats to clog the world. – A good morning at Guad’s.

TUE.20 159/128 Work day. Obama inaug. Europeans will truly become extinct in the US. – Guad. Tret. – Almost done with kippa. – Rich(16) asked me for 5$ (“You know how I make my money.” – Panhandling) to buy a watch! As if to tell me that waking at 5h25, traveling to Queens and back makes the way I make my money easier! He didn’t get his 5 from me! Then the bloody Rusky leech fm next door comes for a cigarette! When I told him I had one left (true… in that pack) he looked at me and waited for me to GIVE it to him! I’m at the very END of my nice days. – Terrible, in-explicable tickle in throat. Count-down to 55? I can only hope.

WED.21 160 Homeless/129 Shelter! Ready to die! God awful nauseous all day! Exhausted en route to Sim. Half-slept standing, waiting for bus. Wanted to cry. – Walked N. Conduit to A (N.C./Aqueduct) at 17h sunset. Nice walk. WOW! I need to get out of this shelter, this City and back to Rockaway! – 19h09 3 knishes and V8 for dinner. Hope to finish kippa. Need sleep! – 21h39 The kippa is finished but I don’t’ think it’s any good. I need to figure a pattern for them. But, it’s washed an drying. Tomorrow will tell. Meanwhile, this room smelled like rampant flatulence when I cam back from signing for my bed. Luckily, I have a small bottle of “Fabuloso”. A splash. Quick pass with a wet, dirty mop and all smells a bit better. How “me” and my existence” The foul odour of shit all day at work? And then a night of the same. And as I write, the over-head fluorescents are on, retards banging about in the hall way, and out resident drunk yammering away on the bloody phone in Spanish. Last night I came to think of all of this as my private “Midnight Express”. This isn’t a “shelter”. This is a Turkish jail. I wonder what I did to deserve this bullshit punishments. Death is the only escape! – You can tell when the weather isn’t “nice” by being in here. The census increases and the worst of the population arrives in droves. Last night, 2 complete idiots were in the showers… with curtains outside the stall. Water all over the floor! Tonight the queue to sign was from the office through the “lounge”. Chaos. It takes major genius to find a bed number and put one’s name on the line beside it. The same genius it takes to shit and pee IN a toilet. Obviously, that genius is rare around here. – Well. I was going to make a small wash tonight. I’m too tired and fed-up right now. I’m going to get under the covers and try for some “rest”. Sleep will not come… not any time soon. But 5h30 tomorrow will be my hour. It’s a shame I just can’t make sufficient unnecessary noise. And I don’t’ like the light when I get ready for work. – I’ve fallen so behind in this journal. I’m falling so far behind logging the “Monogram”. I need the money so I need to work but I miss my library time. I miss my lap-top. I’m sick about all the work my “sister” fucked me out of. I’ve nothing, nothing, nothing. And then this: yelling in the halls, rooming with trash, stench, hunger, exhaustion. It’s stuffy in here. Eddy16 closed the windows. Cigarette smoke from the loo across the hall is wafting in. I’ll take some comfort in thinking: they have the night but I have the early morning. – 21h57. Time to just call it quits. Tomorrow, Guad will be going to an MD appointment at 10h. Screws me out of 2,5 hours pay. Mrs. Only mentioned it THIS morning. Nobody thinks about anybody but self. It’s time I do the same. – Ah, fuck this day… and night! I’m going under-covers NOW!

THU.22 161/130 Up and out non-stop this morning. Arr’d Guad approx 7h45 (clock-in at 8h!) Mr. very agitated. This was a tough day. Then Tret cancelled on me. How the bloody fuck will I get my full week, the money, the bloody fuck OUT of the mad-house at this rate? I used the afternoon to try a trip from Howard Beach to Rock Park and to Sims. Good timing via Q21 and A. Will need to do it tomorrow to get paid! (I used a 5 from the calendar to get cigs tonight.) Then to the MMLib for a computer that didn’t print and a library clerk who was of NO help! I want to mail the letter to DHS, Mayor’s office, &c. SOON! I’m constantly sick because of Simmons and her miserable, evil, nasty bullshit! Daily, I expect some sort of transfer or something that will interfere with my job, money, escape! Truly, I’m physically sick over it. I need to get OUT! – Geo. Never showed for sign-in tonight. But Rey put out the lights at about 22h. In addition, I napped from 18h30 to about 20!
*MarginNotes: SAT 11h06 11h14 You’ll be called when she’s ready.
I’ve read and studied the stories of Holocaust survivors. These days I live those stories.
11h27 Said hello to Uloma. Simmons with client. (In office) (11h42 Geo)*

FRI.23 162/131 At about 4h “security” came in to check 15. Nobody there. Bed is assigned. Moments later, young guy comes in but didn’t put on the light. Yup. His new bed. He looked at the blankets, linens and asked if he should remove them. I said “Yes.” So he did. Geo’s comforter in now gone. Tough shit! Now the room has to put up with a stranger. It’s about “me” these days. I’m trying to get a work routine. Now this! Because of some drunk! No matter how hard I try to get to something resembling the existence I once had, to get out of this hole, to escape this Dachau, this Auschwitz, this torment, terror and torture, some-thing, some one, some event appears out of no where, some where, any where, drops on me, all of me, crushing me back toward some oblivion, into a blind darkness, closer to some inevitable insanity… that is no mine. I dissociate. I split from the person who experiences these things, these events. From an emotional and psychological distance I look on, look at myself, numb, watching, wondering how that “other” person manages to survive. And I wonder if this isn’t the way my ancestors managed to survive their tortures, torments, sufferings. I wonder… – And so, the day progressed. VNS rang Guad. while I was there. Questions about my attendance, uniform, person. Mrs. Gave a charming review. Unfortunately, credit for observations, treatments and the likes went to the RN. There’s no confidence in what I do or say. I’ve decided to become an “HHA” there, doing no more and no less than “typical” HHA’s do (or not do). There’s just no sense in exerting extra when it’s just ignored or not trusted. – Mrs. Asked how much I’d charge for “extra” time. Considering I’m not going to over-do, I said “10”. She said she’s considering beauty parlour on the wk-end. Hell! I’m supposed to see Simmons on Saturday, but if I can make more money instead, I’ll go for that! More money means less time in the dung-heap. – A “rush” hour followed: Q21 to Rock Park (Wave and cheque), Waldbaums for bread and 70cent cold cuts. Got 2 Fage for Si, (at 2,39$). To the shuttle to the A to N. Conduit. The 13h30 shuttle and walk to Sim house got me to clock-in at 14h01! Today, I had coffee with Mrs. A clean-up for Mr. He ate one Fage and said he enjoyed it. Good. I hope it helps his situation. I’m such an idiot… for caring at all anymore. But, as I’ve been told: It’s the way you are. You can change the outside of you but you’ll never change the way you are. I suppose not. Anyway, leaving was, essentially, a fun experience. Walking along N.Condiut, watching the planes coming into JFK. I’m still amazed by them. All that bulk, that weight, floating above, in the air. And it was a comfortably warm evening. The walk could have been much nicer if I wasn’t trying to beat the clock to “The City”. Still, I made it! – Cashed my cheque, made my deposit. Brought my savings up to over 300@ That is encouraging. Not enough to “BOLT!” But certainly on the way. – Coming in at just before 19h just brought back the miserable reality of this dung-heap. Stink. Drunks. Foul-mouthed cretins. 5 flights of stairs to climb. And when I got to the room? 15 is now occupied by some young-ish, large-but-White something. Do I want to know? No. And I take Geo’s irresponsibility as a personal affront. (I passed him, waiting to talk with his Lipinsky. He’s just so out of touch with any sort of reality. Of course, the system here is no better. They’ve let him pull his bullshit so often. Of course the feeble-minded idiot figures he’s got privileges! Still, even though I noted: 15, 16, 18 are now White, it does nothing for any sense of security or comfort. That’s finished. So is my demeanour. – Tonight brought a telling talk with Rey. This is all getting to him as well. It’s running him down, emotionally, psychologically and physically. He too has lost interest in much. He too feels he wants to withdraw. The change in the room census is a factor. The “loss” of Kendall, the approaching “loss” of Keith, the fact that it’s SO difficult to find a job, and the fact that I go to work… Rey has been my inspiration from since coming to 5W-101. This is a difficult time for him… for us. How strange, even as he says, we form some sort of bonds with people in here. We get to a point where this experience pulls us out of the wolrd and into another realm where this dung-heap creates a reality that become integral, of great importance to us. This is our “Auschwitz”. We are in the Holocaust.

SAT.24 163/132 12h15 One hour and nine minutes of sitting and waiting “to be called” by Renee Simmons who is sitting at her desk. In this time, Crawford has seen 5 of her clients, each one called. (12h19 Simmons is off on the elevator to… food, no doubt.) “I hear you have good news for me.” No. not for YOU… for ME! – Well, I finally got to see her jut after 14h! And just how dense can a person be? I gave her THREE “Assignment” sheets, days and hours indicated and totaled. She holds alla three and looks at Guad. “This doesn’t come to 35 hours.” “You’re looking at one page. There are two behind it.” She looks at Sim. “This is only 9 hours a week.” “And you’re not paying attention to the third sheet.” Well, by the time I got back to the room, it was 15h16. The day was wasted, waiting, waiting, waiting. So, I took out the kippa (the second one I’m working), for a couple of rounds done and napped. Really. Why bother? – At about 18h, I ventured out of the building. Wallgreen’s for 2 packs of cigarettes, 33rd for a new MetroCard. I stopped at D’Ag’s (the lower, larger one on 3rd and 30-something) for some things to eat. How I hate being in The City. And tonight, for some reason, I mis Viv a great deal. So much of my entire 53 years is gone, never to be retrieved. – Piss me off! At D’ag’s, I’d gotten Entenmanns’s donuts. All stale. Fage yoghurt. Old. Snack Pack puddings. Dry. Disgusting! But, I was so hungry, I ate anyway. And now, with 16 days to the next Food Stamps, I’ve got 80-something dollars left! – And so, the day was done. – Strange, Rey and I are the “seniors” in the room now. Time passed. Time. The general census is up. New faces. New trash. And I need to bolt out of here! But tonight the temperature goes down to 16degF. Patience. Got to bide it until I’m fully prepared. And all the while, the hatred consumes me. Ashley. Margot. My siblings. Such hatred…

SUN.25 164/133 Yet another wasted day spent inside. So much planned. More than could have been done. Laundry! And my sheets are beginning to smell “not so fresh”. Had I known I’d have the whole day in, there was laundry that could have been done. But, it was a “moment-by-moment” loss of a day. Still, I suppose I deserve a day of rest. And there it is. Bad thing, no food. I had 3 hamburger rolls with honey, a small bowl of oatmeal (a little honey) and one Snack-Pack pudding. No big deal. My stomach is bad. For weeks now, very , very small BMs and I constantly feel like I need to go. All I’m thinking is: no CA/Colon! Unless, of course, it’s quick, done. – And the kippa is almost done. Not the way I’d hope or expect. But hopefully a wash will shape it. Hell. The crochet distracts me, keeps my mind away from the immediate bull-shit. Yet, there’s always the fleeting memories of all that’s gone, all that will never be retrieved or restored and who stabbed me in the back and fucked me in the open wound. Ah… my existence… done, stolen, lost, non-existent. – This evening, as I “washed” the bowl and spoon in the loo, the guy who plants himself in the stall every evening was standing at a sink behind me, talking (to himself in the mirror). “I had to do it! I had to put a bullet in him. He took my mother’s bag! My mother! What chance did she have against him? She was an old woman and he tried to take the little bit she had. So I did my 17 years. But I did what I had to do!” He turned toward me. “I hope I’m not disturbing you, Mister…” I thought of Mama and what I’d do in such a case. Tears actually came to my eyes. When I looked behind me, there, over-dressed in coat, cap, sweats, &c. this Black man stood, sweating, eyes glazed with tears. A big, very Black man, mourning his mother, defending his defence of her, alone, in this dung-heap. It touched me. It hurt me. I told him to be proud of what he did for his Mom and just because nobody wants to understand what he did any way, I said “Look here (in your heart) and if you know you did what had to be done, let the rest of the world go to hell.” He thanked me. All I wanted to do is sob (but there’s no place to do that here.) To think that this immense, scarred, Black man is so haunted and so torn by the loss of his mother and how he suffered because he defended her. Well, it touched me to see “humanity”. Something I’m loosing, rapidly and daily. – Then, later this evening, a “chat” with Mark, the new 15. Worked in the batch in Seattle. Contracted MRSA! Is from Columbus OH. Used his last money and some he got from Catholic Charities to come to NY with the hope of finding work here. (Fool!) Because of the help he got from Cath. Char. He goes to St. Pat’s mass and wants to convert to Catholic. I have no idea what his religion is but he believes he’s in the shelter because God has a lesson he has to learn, because he has to make restitution for some silly little incident in his child-hood and that God will bring him through all of this, help him to purify his soul and bring him into heaven. Hey! If it works for him, do I care? – So what a week-end of wasted time, though-provoking incidents and general crap. – Now, I just insist that my 35 hour weeks continue at least until I’ve got enough to get out of here SECURELY! – At sing-in this evening, Santiago wanted to exchange a Newport for a Camel. I gave him 2 Camels for the Newport. It’s good to be in his favour. Not that there’s a great deal he can do for me, but he is “staff” and being on good with any of them can’t possible be bad. He tells me Geo (now D89) “wants to go back to you guys”. Of course he does. But “we guys” don’t want him back. I didn’t’ say so, but… – At about 23h the noise in the hall was so bad, Rey closed the door! What a difference! I drifted off to the muddled sounds. It helped keep some warmth in the room too. It’s gone bitter cold again.

MON.26 165/134 I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning! After 2 days of “rest”. But, I managed to float through so much this morning that I got to Cross Bay/Woodhaven at 7h26! Rode to Lefferts, came back to Rock Blvd for the Q41 and arrived at Guad’s 8h27. Mrs. Went for coffee. And I began my catching up. By the moment (10h42) I haven’t done a thing but catch up here in the Journal and am quite ready to nap. – Mrs. Guad had to take Mr. to ER yesterday because of his Foley. I told her I’d mentioned the sediment in his UR. Bottom line: she’s disappointed in Danielle and I (and praised Serita, whom only a few days ago she didn’t’ want around). Well, well m’dear. All along I’ve’ tried to be helpful but you’ve chosen to do as pleases you. It’s a shame, but I’ve lost interest because you’ve done away with trusting me. So now? I do what I must, no more, no less. – As I write I’m ready to nap. Writing strange things as I almost doze. And today is Sim after this! – I wonder why Mrs. Guad sees me writing and doesn’t’ wonder what I’m doing. Meanwhile, Mr. is coming back to this miserable self. How fun. – One of those difficult days this morning. Mrs. Guad is completely unrealistic and considers her evening private aide’s word above mine and the RN. So. Not much to be accomplished here. Tomorrow I’ll try to demonstrate proper Foley care. If she does it, find. If not, fine. – I cut out 30 mins to Sim today. Q41 to A at Rock Blvd! The walk along the N.Conduit is pleasant… in good weather and now I can stop work at 16h30 instead of 17h! Mrs. Sim offered a bottle of beer to take along! How sweet. But I can’t bring glass into the shelter, can’t consume alcohol in the shelter, can’t enjoy beer there (talk about being depressed!) More reasons to get money and get the hell out SOONER! – Tomorrow’s forecast is snow. Wednesday, sleet/freezing rain. I did a quick food shop at 23rd before returning to the Dungheap. – The 15 and 16 are getting on my nerves. 15 talks about working in “book stores” in Seattle. I don’t need to know about Miss Thang’s “escapades”. He’s a Gay as they get and one of those Prissy-Missies who has no qualms. “Out”, is what “they” call it. “Annoying” is what I call it. As for 16, I got up at one point, from crocheting, to have a half-smoke. When I got back, the lights were off! 21h or so! So I turned them back on and continued to work on the kippa. (5 more rounds and done! I hope…) Ah, the reasons for bolting keep mounting by the moment. My general patience level is diminishing… rapidly! – Tonight at sign-in, the DHS cops were hauling an old, skinny Black man from the floor. One cop on each appendage, an extra at head and one behind. 6 cops! They carried him, almost crucifixion-style, face-down, through the hall to the lift! The old guy didn’t make a sound. Wingdale! How the past keeps returning… but not the good, or happy past. It’s all just repeated “HAUNTING”! – And so went the night. – I asked Rey if he could, to get me linens tomorrow. He said he would. If he does, find. If not, fine too. Before dozing off tonight I thought, it would be great if I could find a place with enough space and offer him an escape. He couldn’t’ afford to rent, but at lest he’d have a better environment. He, like me, is trying to get back on his feet. I’ve been fortunate: Met Council, PIC, working. I’d like to pass along my good fortune… Then too, I got this far by my own cunning and travails. What stops others from doing the same? Bottom line: I’ve for to get ME to where I’ll never have to drop down this low again. THEN I’ll be able to afford to take on others. It’s SO damned obvious. If I don’t take care of me, it’s certain that absolutely nobody else will. But, my heart is still like my Mom’s. That’s comforting.

TUE.27 166/135 Somebody waxed the hallway floors last night! I wonder who’s coming to visit. Inspection? We’ll find out… no doubt. Surely, it wasn’t done simply for the “residents”. – When I came out of the shower (at about 5h50), 15 was standing at the door waiting. Why? It’s not that he (or 16) ever have anything to do. (I leave in the morning, they’re in bed. I come in at the end of the day, they’re in bed!) So why the shower so early? Perhaps to wait and see? Yeah. Another “CW”. NOT! And certainly not this one. – Vie’ got pain in the right side of my chest this morning. Difficult breathing. Collapsed lung? I should be so lucky. – Perfect connections to work this morning. I even let a Q41 go by because I was so early! A good night’s sleep. Good connections to work. The storm is coming tonight. I’ve got a broken umbrella. But, as it all goes along, I’ll figure what I need to do (dozing-off at 10h05 at Guad’s kitchen table!) OK. Let’s go. Tummy’s grumbling. – Mrs. Guad mentioned putting or taking Mr. Guad into Hosp. for Joint Disease. I wonder… – And so, the day went: I tried to instruct Mrs. on proper Foley care. She’s very much a Cyndi Mack: Knows better, won’t listen, wants miracles, needs to whine. Makes me sick. I’m wondering if I’ll get paid for all the extra time I put in here now that I arrive early. If not? Not much I can do about it. I need to leave when I do to get to work. Besides, I don’t’ want to spend any more time “in” at 30th Street than I must. So I’ll think of it as time away, in the world, in a “home” and not on the streets. – As I’m standing waiting for the bus to Tret, a “toot”. Mrs. Sim and daughter Susan? They gave me a lift to Tret’s and, believe it or not, the trip by bus gets me there in about and hour. But car? Not 10 minutes! Public transport is miserable in this city. I got there before 13h! – Mary enjoys getting into debates on abortion. How “Catholic” she is! How brain-washed. Almost interesting to think that people can still be such followers. But, as always, a pleasant visit. – PIC keeps calling my clients for reviews. I’m wondering what that’s all about. Protocol? Or what? I’m not going to be concerned as long as I make enough to move on! – The return tonight was the usual little horror. 15 and 16 in bed at 18h30. Mark comes to ask me if his eyes are yellow “yet”. MRSA and now Hep?!? And Eddy laying there. It used to be the booze from Geo. and the stench of Brindou. Now this. The nastiest part? “White” men being like the dregs. Goes to show you never can tell. The spic down the hall is in the loo “making pretty” in the mirror and talking about being a proud “Boriqua”. None of them have a damned thing to be proud of. Loud. Dirty. Violent. Classless. And he’s putting the U.S. down! Free shelter, food, clothing and he’s putting the country down? Nothing more than typical. Just typical. Common. – So I finished me chicken patties for quick meal and got right on to the kippa which I FINISHED AND WASHED! Finally! A black one for all the time. A bit of blue and a round of off-white. But, it’s done! It’s fine! I did it! Now to remember HOW I did it and do more of them. Hey. It’s a diversion and distraction. I need that… VERY MUCH NOW. – Took a stroll over to the E.Wing to see Geo. and show him the finished kippa. He’s still irresponsible and too cocky about himself and the shelter. In the loo, he lights a smoke and some fat, UGLY old Russian (they call it “Shrek”) come in yelling “NO! NO Shmoke!” It pushes Geo and Geo goes to fight. But I pointed-out the obvious (of course): if he beats the old man, he’ll look bad. Besides, he was smoking. So the fighting stopped. Meanwhile, I was almost sorry the ugly bastard didn’t touch me. I’ve been ready to simply punch something out. And I don’t’ particularly care what. – A tour of the E.Wing followed. The ceilings in the halls are tiled for sound absorption. Sure, there’s an echo, but nothing like what we have on the W.Wing. There are traces of the original architecture all about. Arch-ways in the hall. Some have been “walled” to make rooms. The place yells of its former days but it must have been quite elegant at one time. What a shame that people strive for destruction. The place is just sad, sad. – So I came back to my corner and crawled-in for the night. In my doze, I heard shuffling feet come into the room. I thought it was Rey so I continued to doze. but then I noticed the light was still on so I checked to see if Rey was OK. Well! The old guy who got hauled out last evening was in Rey’s bed! I was so ready to jump on the bed and break the old guy’s spine so, instead, I went to get Rey. he came in, grabbed the guy and shoved him out the door. Luckily, I still had the linens Rey had gotten for me today so he could change his. (No blankets are available these Winter day, by the way. Isn’t that something?) – 23h15 and no peace. No sleep! But the very idea, that somebody walks the hall, finds a bed and gets into it? WTF all anyway? But Rey made his bed and soon we were all down for the night… whilst the trash in the halls and loo carried on. – Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be bad. I’ll be eating oatmeal, cold. But, I’ll be eating.

WED.28 167/136 SO TIRED! It snowed last night into this morning and I made it to work at the usual 8h15. I shoveled a bit for Mrs. Guad. She went out for coffee. I journaled. She’s returned. I’m journaling and ready for sleep! – The shower was a mere trickle of water this morning. 15 was up (of course, for breakfast). 16 sleeping. Rey, on the move. – 15 tends to walk about the place bare foot! – Me? I’ve got another 2 hours here, 3 hours at Sim’s. I want to sleep! – The snow is now rain. I’m finishing my coffee. Let it be a quick 3 hours and QUIET! – Left in a drizzle. Jut missed the Q41 at 12h30! So, I stood in the rain. Took the Q41 to 111th and Lefferts for the Q10. What a damned awful farce! SEVEN Q10 busses go by and not one for my destination! I got to Sim’s at just past 14h and right to work too. – But the rest went very nicely. Mrs. Made English muffins and coffee. Mr. admired my sketches. He called them “impressive”! They do make me feel part of the family. Odd. When I first started there I didn’t want to continue: dark, stuffy basement. But their disposition, appreciation make me look forward to going. – And at 17h I left. Only a little drizzle so I walked to the train. Made it all the way to the station without getting wet and THERE! THEN! Some moron came tear-assing by, into a pool of water and I got DRENCHED just as I closed the almost worthless PIC umbrella! TIMING! Ice cold water! So I was in a frame of mind for the rest of the trip. – So tired this evening. Only oatmeal to eat but too tired to shop. Just no energy. Long queue to get in. Some bloody Chinaman blocked us all. He was in front of me at the door. I tapped his shoulder and pointed to the end of the queue IN-side. “Chill” he says. “Too many people in there.” Meanwhile, others had to stand out in the wet court-yard because of this friggin refugee. Still, I managed to say (pretty much) nothing. – In the room and right to eating and changing. Mark commented favourably on my kippa then we got into how depressed HE is. I gave him the lecture about being stronger than the staff is around here and how I observe them observing me and that I generally don’t’ care what they say or do as they don’t interfere with my income. I’m such a little “Chabadnik”: doing good for so many others (meanwhile, I’d give anything to kill little Mr. Sunshine. Yup. That’s me. – Signed-in. Shared a smoke with Jackson. He talked about surviving in the woods. Heating stones, smoldering twigs for bug protection. Cross-bows and the likes. The regular outdoorsman. – Finally at 22h30 I got to bed and some shit-head took up whistling across the hall in the loo! That, of course, caused conversations and those continued until probably close to 24h. I don’t’ bother complaining. The staff in this dung-heap wouldn’t’ understand, or wouldn’t (don’t) care or, most likely, would be happy about the inconvenience and annoyance. And talking with the root of all the bull-shit isn’t worth the effort because… well… because the instigators are psychotic messes to begin with. Useless, useless all round. Constant incentive to save money and bolt! – Had to mop the floor tonight. Flatulent-boy(16) letting rip. Thankfully I can afford the cleaner that deodorizes.

THU.29 168/137 10h10 at Guad’s. I got here 8h03! Tired. A bit annoyed too. Tret cancelled AGAIN today! Second Thursday in a row. Second of my “S/B” 35-hour weeks. Guad is expecting miracles and blaming the no progress on the visiting staff. Tret keeps cancelling. I need to address this somehow. – The roads and streets are clear after yesterday’s snows and rain. I’m tired and want to doze. Trying to figure how best to use my afternoon today. So much could be done… IF I had MY like back! Fuck! Fuck it! – Guad kept me late. I clocked-out at just past noon, left about 25 minutes after that. Walking to the bus, I couldn’t decide what to do with the time. And it was a beautiful day! So I got on the Q41, went to Walgreens/Lefferts for cigarettes and up to the Lefferts library. Printed my DHS letters, checked some e-mails, and the voys. Got laundry bags at the dollar store and headed back to the dung-heap. – Arrived about 16h30. A queue to get in! Today’s novelty: remove belts. Always a new something. But I was in scrubs. No belt. Had groceries though. All went right through. – In the room, alone. Starving! But as I began to eat, 15 and 16 came in. No peace. I shoved my sandwiches (chicken patties, 2 patties each sandwich), yoghurt down quickly. Changed into jeans (for a change from the blue scrubs) and was so tired! By 17h30, I laid down for a nap. – 20h03 awakened! I’d slept through! Finished a box of donuts. Geo had returned my Wave (thoughtful of him) so I re-glanced. Signed-in by about 21h. – As I was prepping for sleep, Santiago came by for a cigarette. No exchange tonight. I just gave him a Camel. There’s nothing he can do for me but he’s nice enough, and it’s good to have a “friend” on the staff. So I now need to budget his smokes into mine. Cigarettes are a form of currency in here… not so very un-like prison. – By 22h all 4 of us were in bed, lights out. Rey’s not feeling well lately. I wish there was something I could do to help him. Oddly, not so with the other 2. I truly don’t care about them. I truly don’t care about many people any more. – 23h, 23h30, 24h The yelling. The slamming of stall doors. The slapping of the toilet seats. Cacophony and mayhem! The crowd gathered din the loo! They know better but don’t care. The noise keeps us awake! I’ll never understand why this shit is allowed. We’re expected to work but denied proper sleep. Worse? The loudest of the group was Craig! Been here 3 years, so he knows how loud it all is but yells anyway. Maddening!

FRI.30 169/138 At Guad’s. Almost slept through the alarm! Rey woke me. I’m exhausted. – DHS police had THREE vans at the dung-heap last night. “They’re cleaning up”, it’s being said. – 21h04 at the dung-heap. Signed-in. Dim light on. 15 and 16 turned-in for the night. Rey is next door. Lucky bastard. Yes, this is getting on my nerves. Primarily because I got in at about 19h30, tried to get myself un-wound and ready to grab my nightly cold sandwiches and 16 wanted to turn off the brighter lights so it could go to sleep! Fuck! Neither of them do much of anything in the first place all day. They get their 3 free meals each day and I should function in relative darkness so they can REST?!? I said I’d dim the light as soon as I’d finished. 20 minutes later… “Are you finished writing Bud?” I almost got up on the locker to rip out the damned fluorescent tubes t o beat somebody with them. Somehow I managed to squash the urge. Meanwhile, the halls are coming alive with the noise of the retards and I’m still wondering hot the fuck the staff of this waste-land expects us to work to make money to get back on our feet and out of here when we aren’t provided an environment condusive to proper rest. And as I write, 16 is off on some schizoid tangent, talking to itself from under the bed-clothes. 15 has returned from an evening shower, having walked bare-foot across the hall! The Spics are doing what they excel at: making un-necessary noise, yelling at each other and me? I’m feeling more like killing everything in here that shows any sign of life. – Meanwhile, the DHS vans are gone from the premises. Cigarettes are no longer being sold because somebody reported the sales. Even “loosies” are becoming a rare commodity. And belts must be removed for scanning at the entrance. The mad-house has gone in sane. – It was an OK morning at Howard Beach. Mrs. Guad says she thinks of me (and the VNS RN) as “family”. VNS called her again for a phone review of me. She responded most favourable, still not giving me credit for the “Nursing” intervention. I say nothing. Why bother? Just more ego stroking. I need to keep the assignment! – The Q21 ran late. But I go “Home” for the Wave and mail. W2’s from Premier and PIC! And Direct Deposit is now in effect. And I got holiday pay in this cheque! The savings is now 455&! – Sim’s by 14h. Mr., as always, a major delight. Mrs. Offered coffee. Her coffee is delicious. Daughter Susan got pizza for all. I had a slice. And Susan drove me to the train this evening! – I suppose I should be quite happy: during my “work” day, I got to be in a “home” environment in the boro I now think of as my own “home”. People are kind to me. Mrs. Guad gets me coffee and bagel with cream cheese each morning. Trets provide coffee and cookies. Sims give coffee and something. And I’m in their homes, living their lives. I get out of this dung-hole each morning and return at 19h or so. The others? They rot along, no direction, no purpose, no sense. I come here to grab a bite to eat, sleep and shower. I have work. I’ve got and income. Yes. I’m thankful. Now, something/someone get me the fuck out of here… SOON! – I got off the L, took the bus to Bellevue Hosp and transferred 150 from chequing to savings at the ATM. SEVENTY per-cent savings! Direct Deposit means no more pressure to get to the P.O. on Fridays any more. (But it leaves me awkward for cash on hand. Maybe I’ll save even more this way. More savings means quicker out of here.) – Coming in here was a trip. An over-abundance of drunks. (And I’m expected to be so compliant!) For the entire week I’ve walked up to the 5th floor because waiting for the elevator is futile. – But, here it is 21h50, and here I am, almost ready to crawl beneath the covers. – Before I forget: I posted my letter to DHS Commish and one Deputy Commish, and to the Coalition. Monday, to the Mayor. – Craig is screaming in the halls. That voice is like an ice-pick in the ears. And it’s always accompanied by others yelling. Tonight, Craig is annoyed because the retards are demanding coffee/tea service and Craig suddenly wants “a life”. WE don’t get one because of the boise of the idiot element wandering the halls, yelling to and from the “bodega” room. But he want a life. It’s all aprt of the madness of the Dung-hole. – I need to wash my scrubs. Tomorrow is reported to be a cold day. I’ve 5 cigarettes to my name and a “need” to see the heifer. Laundry day? Perhaps early wash, late heifer. – Enough of this day. Enough!

SAT.31 170/139 14h12 No Simmons in her “office”. (Sun. 18h42) As unbelievable as it is, I no sooner jotted that when she appeared at the hall-way. She took an old guy in for about 30 minutes and, when I saw him leave, I parked my carcass outside the door and waited, patiently of course, until she finished her telephone conversation. She came to the door, said “Come.” (as they do) and in we went. She looked at my pay-stub, receipts for deposit and MetroCard, commented on how orderly it all is, said “I like order”. And we went across the hall where she photocopied all, and I was released. Yes, of course, something was noted in my chart. But the point is, it all took about ten minutes. So, if this time went so smoothly, it’s a wonder why ALL visits can’t go as quickly. But there’s no sense asking. No sense at all. – And so, today I washed my work scrubs. An accomplishment. – This evening, after sun-down, to be sure, I dressed and went out for cigarettes. I do hate this City! And I hate being in it. And I hate walking about in it. I hate being in the midst of so many people, so much traffic, so much noise. I hate walking and thinking. I hate the familiar places. I hate the memories (good and bad). I hate knowing my way around here. I hate knowing where I have to return to to get out of the elements. – I got my cigarettes (2 packs) and headed to 39th/40th to Jack’s 99cent store off 5th. I was hoping to get a few things there, tonight so I could just go to the library tomorrow. All these work hours leave me no time during the week. And I’m trying to keep Shabbat as much as possible (if only for tradition and my own concept of God… since Fate isn’t worth a mention) (how odd the pen should go empty there) in an existence such as mine. Well, true to form, Jack’s was closed when I got there. I’d walked all the way up there for what? Exercise? So I headed for Jack’s on 31st and 6th. None of what I wanted (and could afford at the moment) but this one had large, black umbrellas for 5,99$! I NEED and umbrella, since the “well-constructed” (so claims VNS) piece of shit PIC gave me has gone to pieces and is completely useless at this point. I didn’t’ have the cash on hand and so, I took the train to 23rd where I got a cross-town bus (immediately) to 2nd Av. Quick, light shipping for something to eat tonight: yoghurt, cream cheese, donuts. Walked up to the dung-heap where, as usual, the ante room was packed. – Idiots galore! Can’t follow a queue. The sense of not needing to follow any sort of order in the Black and Hispanic faction is simply notable. As a rule, they won’t form a queue and cannot grasp that general regulations DO apply to them. They just thrive on chaos. And where there’s no chaos, they go out of their way to create it. A simple observation. The proof, the substantiation is in the observing. Very plain. Very simple. Very obvious. As I said years ago of them: You don’t’ have to hoist your flags, we know where you are. – New development at the dung-heap: belts must be removed. Soon, clothing will have to be removed. But, it’s easier to comply than not… A truly North-Western-European concept. – As I got to the 5th floor (I take the stairs to avoid being confined in a lift that seldom functions properly-how appropriate to the location-with the likes of which I’ve just described) I heard the familiar bellow of “NEXT!” from the office where we sign-in! 20h and sign-in began! I did! And on to the room to eat, and sleep. – 20h and 15 and 16 were where they always seem to be… asleep!! You see? Useless comes in a variety of colours. “Ours” come in Caucasian. – So I flipped on the lights, went right to getting comfy and eating too much cream cheese and yoghurt. – By about 21h30, our lights went out. Rey is feeling terribly miserable with what sounds like an upper respiratory infection. He’s exhausted most of the time. I with there was something I could do to help. Meanwhile, I enjoy the “early retirement”. – Ah… and before we close the day, we must include Mr. Ed (hey! Not bad. The stench is similar to a horse’s arse) and his frigginfuckin bloody flatulence! The beast, no, the scum just lays there and lets the roll! I’ve no sympathy nor compassion. The suicidal moron is an abortion gone wrong. – Now, I end the day