Tue. 1 Feb 2012. 5.17 Shelburne: I can’t believe this! The month of January is gone! And today, another month’a paymrnt on storage is due… in 3 days the phone is due… in 2 days a car payment is due… in 2 days a rent payment is due!!! And this is a short month. I work… and work… and work… and it seems I keep falling behind! There’s no catching up! – This morning’s weather report is 7 degrees, and rain in the forecast. The Winter is still here and has been mild thus far. Frightening. There’s about 2 weeks of brutal just waiting to hit. – Friday I have another go-round at VTB, a 4-hr shift at less money for the day. That’ll knock my income down next week! Hopefully I’ll get 2-3 weeks if an additional 20 hiurs, steadily, evenings. – So far, this “Vermont Living” hasn’t been so restful. – Yesterday, Schmulik sent ne a nsg to the phone… Today the damned thing is reprating! Just as with PJ’s messages! It’s annoying! Oh, and the phone won’t hold a full charge… ANOTHER expense coming! But for this one… a trip into NYC! There’s no MetroPCS around! It’s non-stop! – 21.16 It rained today! And some weather report on the radio claims areas went up to 60F but that, the Northern Border areas didn’t get that warm. – Work was… After, I went to the library to check e-mail: If StoragePost wants to be pricks, tomorrow mt life gets auctioned… I sent the main customer service an e-mail today. I wonder: am I looking at a new life with nothing more than I brought… from the Shelter? It makes me sick to think it… just sick. – A great evening talking with Steve who ia now in his room eating pizza (and offered that I should help myself… People here are kind, for the most part… Finally!) – Work at 6.00 tomorrow. I need to get some rest… esp. whilst the temperature here is 20… it was 17 when I got in! The cold all the time is getting to me. Even at work lately… Then again, I’m not eating well of late. – Almost finished recording the phone contacts onto the iPod… not in Contacts… just in Notes. There are many numbers that will be discarded…

Wed2Feb Shlbrn: 21.38 Music is playing diwnstaurs in the kitchen. Tara is here. She and Steve are enjoying the night. I was invited to a few shots of Red Stag. Tonight they may have helped… Today Jen C. gsve me my “Quality Review”… over-all I’m at 93% or so (more, I think)! I’m doing rather well, considering. She went back to the beginning to run a comparrison and my improvements are obvious. Quite the difference from the report from Jeff. I’m re-newed in my pleasure with the job! – Got out at 14.30 today. Going in at 6.00 was quite nice but it threw me off a bit all day. – After work, to the library to check available funds: Worked 52 hours for some 500$. By the time I pay rent, phone, STORAGE and Doug, I’ve 48$ to live on for the week! Gas, FOOD, cigs… 48$! I’m miffed. But, SOME things are getting paid! – To TD to get cash for rent and storage. I went looking for a little radio for work and one for the room. Best Buy… 40$! Cheapest! Shit! Was headed for WalMart but got into wrong lane (I’m still learning this lane-dedication-shit) and went to Dollar Tree. 2 tins of pasta, 2 jars of fruit (had 1 pasta and the oranges and peaches for dinner), window cleaner, scouring powder, box of “poptarts”. 7$ gone. I still need cigs! – Home… Home… – Janice, sick most of the week, still wanted to cook dinner here tomorrow. I canceled (told her: because she wasn’t well – Me? I hsven’t got the money!) – And so I’m tired. The music went off (21.53). – Steve was quite stern about Janice being most welcome here. Tara threw in the “interested” bit. People!!!! – Tomorrow… back to Teddy Bear. Should be interesting. – Tonight? Drunks… and giggling in Steve’s room. (Hmmmm… Just please no moaning and shit. I’d expect that from Gay men… and Straight ones to I suppose.) – 20 degrees again. But the rest of the house is much warmer. Just sayin’. – Oh…. ALL the info from the phone is recorded on the iPod. That’s “done”. – Good night… – LORTIE! WHERE ARE YOU?

Fri.3Feb23.47Shlbrn: First news first… STORAGE IS SAFE!!! – VTB today. Trained on all 3 divisions now and start on Wed. at 16.30-20.30. Hopefully through the week… and week-end as well. But I didn’t see Demitira put in any further hours. Well, 4 hours is 4 hours’ pay. – The “orientation” lasted only until abiut 11.30 instead of 13.00. So instead of a 4-hour cheque to come, next Friday might be 2,5hrs. Hardly worth taking the day off… dollar-wise. But it gave me some extra time for the day… I went to browse the “Shop”… and… to shop. Gave-in to temptation: For 15$ I bought a white “cub” for Janice. (Half price… and not a bad price for the cute little thing. Her life is tougher than mine in many ways: Her house is filled with people who simply come, go, crash and pretty much take it all for granted. And she’s been a “True Friend” since I arrived. It was a gift well wirth the hard-ships that money will bring in the coming week. And getting it did make me feel good, knowing tat it was some thing unexpected. On the note card I wrote: “Sometimes someone has to say something and all we have is Thank You. You’ve given me “Life”.” (Or something similar. How true. I don’t simply “exist” here… I have a “Life”.) – Off to Dollar Tree for more fruits-in-a-jar, a lint remover (and bag of onion rings to kill the hunger). – Then to the P.O. from whence went another 160$ money order to StoragePost with a note… “hand-written” in sophomoric penmanship (hoping that the “Auction” had taken place YESTERDAY!) and stating so. Into my last envelope snd into the postes. The lien and late charges… For 3 months I’ve now paid 320$ instead of 138$ (meanwhile I still owe 652$ to TD and 1800$ to Doug… still 2452$ in the hole, and another 45$ to the phone!) – A text from Doug: “You seid you wood have money for me today can you git back to thank you”. JeezUS! YES! I have money fir you and even if it means starving, I’ll getbit to you! – Dropped into DoL and left the “cub” at the front desk (with Sam?) and got back into the car… To the library where I was supposed to meet with PJ after posting this week’s Chase hours and browse a bit through e-mails and such. – Another “NoShow”… more crap about his “domestic difficulties”. It’s not for me to do so but I opine: He’s being abused and enabling them to do so. There’s either an issued C18 or a pending and only he can change it (or not). He COULD get a job and move along or move into a shelter (I certainly would in his situation, and fuk them). But I’ve learnt he won’t… not can’t… take a job. So, I’ve lost patience. NoShow? No prob. I web-surfed… and that’s when… I FOUND IT !!!!! A way to check my STORAGE ACCOUNT ON-LINE !!!!! I could have been following it all along! BUT I couldn’t create the access on the iPod… I got time on the computer A.N.D…. VOILA! CONFIRMATION that the previous 160$ WAS posted to the account AND MY LITTLE STORAGE UNIT IS… I.S. STILL FINE !!!! AND I owed ONLY 148$ so the 160$ of today OVER-PAYS by 12$! I was so relieved I went numb. Now I need to figure out how to get the stuff OUT of NY and IN to VT. That will give me a “diversionary” to muck with in my mind. Shit! Once this payment posts, I can even take the plane down for a day, bring some things up in baggage… or pack and poste… go down plane/trian, pack some things for shipping and poste to the house! NOW my options are almost limitless! I AM RELIEVED! It’s been VERY difficult to get this far, and Feb. is a short month where another month’s rent will soon come payable. But I got ONE item taken care of! And I haven’t lost ANOTHER chunk of my time on Earth. – To meet with Janice… She named the “cub” Zinnie… Zinfandel… and appreciated it very much. Told me she has one VT bear already, Angelbear. But, to my intrigue, when we left the office, she left the cub behind. I’ll suppose it’s safe there. After all, this isn’t NY… Right? – A note: Doug is making her crazy. The guy has a huge heart, is a delight when it comes to caring and giving, but WOW! Dense when it comes to “Social Interaction”! Just bold, blunt, crass and Hyperdefencive to the point of offencive. Point: they’d gone for lunch at the little corner deli where he asked for a “lg BLT” and when asked if he wanted it on baguette he snottily asked ” what the fuk’s a baguette?” (Only an example like when I told him of the double locks on my storage he replied “I don’t give a fuk about locks, I can take care of those.” So… OK. -“Mumzy” had her (Janice’s) car, so I got to drive her there where we visited briefly, I told Tony of my work hours, he wanted to know “CAN” I work all those hours. Considerate of him. As I told him… I HAVE to. Then, with reference to the car he started telling me that “you have to save a little each week in case something goes wrong…” It bothered me, because I’m doing nothing but working to pay everything and people are telling me what to do with my income… as if they have a clue. But I let it go… this time. Still, it got to me a bit. – Janice and I were iff to Essex to see Andrea at work at her new job. I left the Ford at Mumzy’s. When we got to ‘Wendy’s’, Andrea gave me a “High5”! We do get along so well. I appreciate that. She’s a good kid, all told, and still looking for her lufe. She gave an air of professionalism to her position and was just wonderful. I was enjoying the visit (and even the burger, fries and Coke). Janice was having quite the laughs and all was going along well and then… Doug walked in and the first words out of his mouth to me: “You gotta get a new fuckking phone! I call all the numvers and everything’s all fukking garbled and bubbled!” OH KAY! THE END! OH-VUH! NO MORE! I’m giving him THE only 60$ I have left this week instead of getting food and I have to hear THAT? OH FUK NO! Essex or Buttfuk Idaho… I put his money on the table, got my back-pack and… was out the door! NO Fukking more! I can’t have any more of this “You need to…” shit when it comes to my money. Can he screw me over now?Oh sure. Do I care? Not really. I walked along, in the dark, oddly knowing that I was heading for St. Michaels and where I could go from there to get to BVT. (I was a little amazed at how quickly I’ve become familiar with my new “Home turf”.) I wanted to cry. I wanted to keep walking. There were a few flakes of snow falling. It wasn’t cold. And I just didn’t care any more… I wanted to walk until I collapsed. I thought of going to get the car. I thought of walking back to Shelburne. I thought of hiw hard and how much I’ve just been working since I got here. I thought of how I didn’t just land and lounge. I know I can be damned proud of my accomplishments. I know I’ve made remarkable progress. This completely strange place, now “Home”. But to have that “You have to…”coming from people who know most of what I’ve gone through… Well, tonight, again, I was grateful for being a New Yorker… I was out, on a Northern New England Winter night, walking toward where-ever and not “having” to care. – At an intersection, Janice oulled up, tooted the horn. I ignored it. But then, she pulled iff into St. Michaels and got out of the car. There was no side-walk on the other side if the road… I was trapped… in a manner. She insisted I get into the car. My gripe isn’t with her, she understands hiw I was insulted. She even told Doug that “He’s busting everything he’s got just to get ends to meet and you come out with that!” Does he understand? Not a chance. – Anyway… we went to Price Chopper for Mumzy, then to get the Ford and came here, to Shelburne where she git to see the house, meet Tara and Steve, Cerrina and Pumpkin, and Honey (Tara’s little doggie). We played SkipBo until about 22.09. It wasn’t the planned dinner, but we had a good time. – When she left I had some time to marvel at my Great fortune and how taking that LEAP into this un-known has changed so much of my existence, how I’m doing the “saga” of coming to a new place, a new world, this New England and working hard to stay. – The day is over. One chunk of heavy is taken care of: I STILL HAVE MY FEW BELONGINGS IN STORAGE! U SAVED THAT! Now? KADIMA!

Sat.4Feb12.08Shlbrn: Woke at the usual 4. Then back to sleep until alarm at 6.30. Snoozed until10. The house is awake. We’re all just lounging today. It’s a perfectly clear, crisp, VT day. There are places I’d like to go: Re-cyc and Goodwill. I’m deciding. – Janice is texting: Movie with Stephen today. – I’d toldPJ U’d be in BTV lib today, I don’t want to be bothered. – Phone service gets cut tonight until I can pay on Thursday. I don’t much care. 50$ in yhe banque. 20$ in the bac-pack… no food in the house. I’m hungry. It’s 18•. Tara’s walking about wrapped in a blanket. – Goodafternoon VT. (It’s a delight to be here.) – Well, it’s Sunday now (on the 5th) and the day went along the lines of: I’ve been wanting to check the trunk of the car to see what sort of shit had been left in there and, it being a delightfully clear day, I did so. Amazingly, it wasn’t bad at all! Some nasty seat covers and a few car bits. Nothing of note. But it needs cleaning, like the rest of the car. – That done, I was off to jaunt. First stop, Recycle North. I was hoping to find a small table to work on, for water-colours… maybe a pair of boots too, or some comfy shoes for work (and play). Unfirtunately, none of the above. But they sell lap-tops for 149$! so there’s something to look into. I browsed the aisles, leisurely, and just enjoyed. – Next, I was off to the Family Dollar to exchange the jar of peaches which I cannot, no matter what, get open. But, en route, made a stop at the banque… took 40 of the 50 left in the account, just to have it on hand. – Having no particular rush, browsed HomeGoods, hoping to find that little table… found, instead, a pleasant reminder of my “single” status here… He was with one of those “I’m a delightfully charming and attractive woman who can obviously get what-ever I want” type. Alas, I “browsed” thinking “WTF would he, young and able to enjoy the gifts of Life, possibly see in under-weight, balding, quite aged me?” And so, I just strolled the aisles, noting the high prices on most items and wandering. – Since it was next door, a stop into CreativeHabitat where, I succombed to the framong of 2 watercolours. Here, we had an “event” that turned my other-wise pleasant day round: I’d laid 2 water-colours on the floor, matted and against frames, as I went looking for other frames to consider when SOME LITTLE WHITE TRASH DEVIL-SPORE IN FACE PAINT CAME WALKING BY AND STEPPED DIRECTLY ON ONE OF THE PAINTINGS! There was MORE than enough room to walk around, BUT HE CHOSE to step ON the painting! As is my usual of late, I went into an audible tirade… in French, staring directly AT the little fuk who stood, sternly defiantly and deliberately, staring directly AT ME, KNOWING what damned transgression he’d committed! Meanwhile, his questionably-male parent looked at frames with the sales-girl. THANKFULLY, no damage was done to the art-work but… when I got home this evening and began to put the work into the frames, one was DAMAGED! So I’m inconvenienced by having to return to the store to exchange on Sunday! I should have smacked the kid and kicked the parent in the crotch… General principles! Unfortunately, I did neither, but the event dulled my other-wise enjoyment. – Found what looked like very nice frames at an amazing 5$ each! Found mats that I feel compliment the work. I crumbled… PURCHASE! Why? Because I’m hoping that having something “finished” will inspire more work… some-how. – Across the Shelburne Rd. to the Fam$ where the exchange of fruit was quick, easy and amusing. The woman at the cashe actually recognises me now… I first saw her when I went in for cleaning supplies for Nr.42 at the North Star! (I thought, as I went back to the car: I’m already “known in town”… It’s becoming “Home” even more… and quickly.) – A briegest stop at Hannafords… I had NO COFFEE at home! (and I was a but hungry). A jar of Bustello, bottle of creamer, box of PopTarts and out the door. I ate 2 PopTarts en route to browse at Goodwill for a bit. It was still day-light and I was still in no rush. – Interesting… they have a bit of everything and the prices on most is unbelievable! Shirts and slacks at 4,99$. I was tempted by a 7,99$ sweater but, after long… and I mean LONG browsing, I came out with a nit-too-bad blanket (1,99$), clock radio (5,99$ which is going back, probably at a “no refund”, because, as anticipated, there’s a short in the volume and it won’t play quietly enough for this house), an over-door double hook (1,98$) and a little boot-shaped shot-glass and a Jaegermeister jigger (,99$ ea,). – OK! Done! When I left the store, night had befallen already! – A stop at the Shell for smokes and… to the Homestead! This day’s adventures were complete. – At the home, the place is smelling more of cigarettes whilst Tara is here. Thankfully my room is not. Tara was into the root-beer floats, Steve was cooking bacon, preparing to make pancakes. We all schmoozed whilst I washed the Goodwill blanket. After, I had 3 pancakes (cooked in bacon fat) with butter and syrup. Quite good, but I wondered how long til the bacon fat kicked me. – Framed 1 water-colour. Cheap-shit frames of plasric but they were TWO for 5$! so I can’t bitch (but WILL return the broken frame!). – The phone had been off all day so the messages came RUSHING in ehen I turned it on… 5 from Janice, but ONE concerns me: “I broke up with doug”. Now I expect MAJOR issues… particularly with the car… Doug accepted payments but I wonder uf that wasn’t predicated in the relationship with Janice. There’s a new insurance card that he wanted to give me but hasn’t. And I DO believe there’s soon to be issues with the transmission and tyres and wheels. Well… we shall see who the real “Gentleman” turns out to be here. – The blanket has been washed and is pretty OK! WELL! At 1,99$ it’s perfect! – Tonight at mid-night the phone service goes off until I can afford to pay it AND figure out HOW now that I have no debit card to make payments with AND no access to a computer unless I find time to drop into DoL and HOPE they don’t notice. Well… it’ll be peaceful this week… no messages… from … anybody. I’ll focus on work… and hunger. – Tonight I REALLY WANT TO BE DRUNK!

Sun.5Feb6.57Shlbrn Up and had a smoke. Was in bed by 21.30 last night and woke before the 7.00 alarm (which, I’m happy to announce, just sounded). I checked to see if Internet works on the phone; it did. I wonder if the payment went through on Janice’s card. I hope not. But I’ll find out… eventually. – Today will be a rather tough day: No money and no food… until Thursday evening. – 8.56 I do believe MetroPCS took the payment from Janice’s card. ANOTHER expense! and then some. – News: the Goodwill blanket is quite OK. An excellent investment. Now, the stores should open at 10.00 and I’ve things to accomplish! Le jour se lève. – 17.25 Official: No phone. The bill didn’t get paid. I’m actually relieved. I was imagining all sorts of accusations… not that I couldn’t handle them, I’d just rather not. And so I dive into a week of tele-silene. – Got an e-mail from Motek this morning. It made me laugh… and then feel a touch blue. He had a sense of humour… How rare! And I got the chance to reply before MetroPCS pulls the plug. – Well… the exchanges went well today: Goodwill gave me the “Wint’ry” throw (3$ less than the radio… I let it go) and a new frame from CreativeHabitat (although there, it was a bit more diffcult because the tone of acceptance was almost accusatory). But… it’s done. – Back at the house, Tara and her Honey left today. Whilst Steve drove them home, I Hoovered my room (at last!) and the main floor. – It’s bloody 19• in here! Chilly too!) – 20.42 I can’t believe the week-end has ended! Oh… and the phone? Gone. The payment wasn’t made so, for true, no phone until Friday. And I’m not too terribly upset about it either. There are things I don’t want to hear or hear about. So there! -The art is on the walls. The 2 paintings and the throws on the cot are changing the room very nicely indeed. Now to get a bit of a table and/or night-stand… a bit of “furnishing”. But not just yet… still too many bills to be settled. – At least now I can ponder-away my hunger days (no food or money for 4 days) with ideas and notions on how to bring the NY stuff into VT. That should provide entertainment and amusement. Maybe by train to start: a suitcase of some “important” stuff… clothes, SHOES, the TENS, the iron. That will require an over-night since it takes about 9 hours, the train arrives at 18.00 and the very next train leaves NY Penn at 21.00. There’s planning to be done. Perhaps a flight down with empty luggage and the train back? But then, how to get the car to the train station… I can take the CCTA to the airport. See? Stuff to ponder to avoid the hunger. – This evening, had a most delightful chat with Steve… a lot about Mama, some about euthanasia, eome about Janice… And I’m learning about him. (I noticed today, his bedroom window has a hole in it, plastic taped over… I was in the back yard for the first time.) I wonder: he said he had a finacée… Did the break-up depress him?When I had the house to myself I wondered if I’m the “life” in an other-wise large house that had been empty a while. I wonder if I should be more “present” or is he happier with his “alone time”. I’ll learn. – He fixed himself some rice and talapia for dinner tonight and asked if I’d like to join him. I declined, feigning a visit to McDonalds earlier in the day and being good with that. (Again, I wonder: would accepting to dine with him been a better choice?… for him… eating with someone instead of alone. But we chatted whilst he ate. And truthfully, I wasn’t all that hungry… and he cooked the fish in bacon fat… the pancakes too. I’ve had, I think, my fill of pork fat.) – 21.00 I think the upper left tooth is almost ready to depart. Just a note. I wonder why the gum receedes so on the particular teeth… not all… just the 2. They’re the 2 that used to get those un-explainable “cysts”. Well, they’ll go sooner or later. – And so, tonight I realise: the house isn’t all so cold, but this room tends to be. Northern side, partly over the front gallery, no “house” under that part, no direct sun coming in. If I were to leave the door open it wouldn’t be so cold in here. But then there’s the dogs, privacy, respect for the house. What-ever. – Time to curl and snooze. Back to the 4am morn tomorrow. May the gas and car hold… until I can pay this car off and get another one. And may hunger not become an issue (the Food Shelf is there and I can’t get to it anf I’m entitled to groceries this trip… with thd car! Un-fair…) But tonight, sleeping bag and TWO blankets!! Toasty nu-nus! – LORTIE! Where are you?

Mon.6Feb4.47Shlbrn: It’s already been a noisey beginning. The coffee cup clanked against the sink, the door squeaked a bit when I went out for my smoke, and the lid to the butt jar almost dropped on the porch floor! (I’ve no doubt the dogs would have heard it, barked and woke Steve.) Thankfully, I caught the lid before it hit. Most of this morning’s trouble is pre-occupation with not having the phone AND wondering about the car… Last night, I had trouble falling asleep because I heard cars out-side (unusual for here) and kept wondering if it was Doug, coming to take the car. I don’t know what he did with the 60$ I left on the table at Wendy’s, I don’t know what type of person he is… other than “impulsive”, and I don’t know how he sees me fitting into the break-up with Janice. And I don’t like not knowing. Add to this: I need the car to get to work to make the money to pay for the car. (I need this place to rest for work to make the money to pay for this place. – I need the phone to get more work to make more money to pay for the phone. – There’s a problem in all of this.) The car is in the drive this morning, right where I left it. – Yesterday’s total food intake: 2 PopTarts and 3 pancakes. This is day 1 of under-nourishment. Grant me strength for this and the next 3. This morning’s bm is already reflecting poor diet: watery… it’s the coffee… I had quite a bit yesterday. – As I smoked this morning I thought: These are not the easiest days of my life; however, they are, in comparrison, much better than most I’d had in NY. Residentially, I’m in a house, not a major multiple dwelling, with someONE whom I can get to know and who is MOST considerate, respectful and respectable. I have personal transport which is helping me get more work to catch-up on debts. And with regards to work, even at 9$/hr, here, I take home over 8 of that as opposed to the just-over-6 I was taking in NY. Granted, my rent here is double what it was in Rockaway. But the “class” of “Living” is a FAR cry from Lorraine’s scratching, Orlando’s banging, Phil’s drugging and Denise and Tito-Carmelo’s harassing in public. “Life” is MUCH better! – Now… 5.24 and with churning guts, time to commence this Monday… Grant me much needed strength. – 19.05 and it’s a chilly 19,5• in this room. The house isn’t this cold. I wonder if Steve knows how cold it gets in here. I wonder how cold HIS room gets… though I’m partially over the porch and he’s completely over the kitchen. – First whole day with-out the phone. First day with-out food too. 3 more days to go… It got tough toward the end of the work day. I feel it very quickly at my age. I splurged and bout Reeses and a Snickers at work. That was “food” until I got home and had the tin of spaghetti. That actually helped my entire being. – When I left work at 17.0 (there was Over-time offered and I grabbed it) it was twilight! And a full moon is coming! I got into a wrong lane, which is common for me since VT LUVZ throwing “turning lanes” in where they’re least expected… and drove down Dirset to the Cheesefactory, right at that to Spear to Webster. A delightful ride! Into Shelburne Village for a pack of smokes at 6,97$. I have 4$ to spend on food! Anyway, it was a delight. When I got home, the house is darkness, Steve is in his room, the dogs are in the house and I came in quietly… put on my jeans, opened the tin and ate. Just came in from a smoke and am wrapped in blankets. In mere moments, I’ll crawl in to sleep… away from the cold and to get some rest… have to conserve energy. Not eating. – But the day is done, I still have a car, put in a 10-hour day and will hopefully put in another tomorrow. – I just have to figure how to get money to Doug. – I wish my tax refund would come this week. It’ll all go to TD but that would cut my debts CONSIDERABLY! – Yes, 19.21 and time for some blankie-time. I’m fatigued and it’s COLD in here!

JOURNAL: FEBRUARY 7- 2012.

Tue.7Feb4.48Shlbrn: By 20.00 I was “in the bag”… sleeping bag… and on m’way to Dreamland. And shortly there-after, Mr. Steve was out the drive. – Just before the 4.11 alarm, I woke this morning and… We’ve jusy come in from a morning constitution… and I kicked the thermostat up a notch to 62F. – Thoughts this morning on “No Phone”: If Steve needed to contact me, he couldn’t; If I have to call-out from work, I can’t; If there’s an emergency in the house, there’s no way to get help. This… is not good. But it puts another perspective into the programme: the rent AND the phone MUST be kept current. The piss? This is a short month and I’ll have to pay the whole month of phone for only a few weeks of service. Of course. Oh well. – On the other side, no annoyances: texts and other such things. Thankfully, there’s voice mail and all will have to wait until I can get to that. – For THIS morning, I’m feeling a “tiny bit” under-nourished but a “tiny bit” relieved in having the 4$ to maybe get something to eat during what is only today and tomorrow with NO income or cash-on-hand. These are “Trying Days”, but nothing that I haven’t experienced before. In my history of misfortune, I have the experience to know how to handle this. – I believe I’ll trim my beard with the time I have… alone. – 18.32 When I walked into the room, about 30 minutes ago, having just returned from working another 10-hour day, the temperature was 14•! Fourteen freezing degrees! I took the pillows out of the cut-aways and that brought it up to 17! And here I sit, wrspped in the blanket, wishing I could get back into the car and head to Storage for my little heater! (Silly, that. I’d make it there by about1 or 2.00; they’d be closed and I’d have to wait until 6.00 to get in… then wouldn’t mske it back until 13 or 14.00… just in time to leave from the day job.) But this is insane! I don’t know what to do at this point, save, maybe just buy a small heater… Coleman propane perhaps. More money, gone! – As for the day? Steve came home round 6.00. I didn’t hear him come in.., another silent one. – I took the Allen Rd to Spear to Nowleton Farm, Dorset. What a beautiful ride! And great time-wise too! I worry about the car breaking down on back roads (more-so now with no phone) but that’s the way of choice,,, to and from. – The day at work? Very rather difficult, since I’m not eating properly. AND of note: this afternoon Gen (I distinguish between her and the lovely Jen C.) comes over ti me and almost yells (so ALL in Production could hear) “You’re getting errors. The next –82 you get, let Kyle know so he can show you what to do with the ‘other’ names.” I KNOW the trouble… I stopped changing what the bloody applicant out on the fukking form! BUT, moments later, Ms. Gen was all nicey-quiet telling someone else something! She yelled… intentionally! It set me off. But I thought then as I think always: You, little worthless shit, could NEVER come CLOSE to the attacks I’ve already taken from Life… and I SURVIVED! Bottom line? I put in 2 more hours of over-time today. So there! – At break-time, a brain-storm: I had 4$ in my pocket… 2 tins of pasta, a pkg of 6 English muffins, a box of 6 potart-thingies… 4$ at the Dollar store AND 2 days if EATING! So… that’s where I bolted to immediately after work. The woman who works there now knows me (I frequent too frequently). Imagine?I’m “a regular” in VT already! – Anyway, on the way to the house I realised: I’m gonna make it thru this! Tomorrow I’ll eat fairly well at the day job. Then to work for the evening job. Home. To sleep. That’s Wednesday, gone and taken care of. Then THURSDAY is pay-day from JPMC! Friday is a tiny cheque from VTB. And we get to begin the “Poverty Trot” all over from the beginning! WooHoo! – Another thought: I get paid as much at 4 hours of VTB as 2 hours OT at JPMC! So, if VTB can give me a steady 20 hours/week it’ll be like a steady 10 hours OT at JPMC! (Now… all I need to do is hold on and hold out long enough. But VTB will only be until the 14th so I should be OK.) – Tonight I had a tin of pasta, 2 English muffins, 2 poptart-thingies. My stomach is churggling. But my general mood is better… food. – I’ve gone for the last smoke (it’s 19.23) and it’s snappy out there, and the moon is about full! A beautiful blue light cast on the earth in the bitterness of Winter. It’s only 17• in this room but I must remember tobtake the pillows from the cut-aways when I leave in the morning and leave the closet open at night. The rest of the house is “fairly” comfortable… this room is COLD! Esprcially when closed off. – Pumpkin went to the Dr. today. She has heartworm/flea meds and 2 others. I can’t wait to hear what it is! And I’m so glad it’s just a matter of meds and not time at the Vet’s! – It’s silent in here… no radio. If I had the energy, I’d spend time with the Girls but I’m a bit tired. – I don’t like not having the phone but I don’t notice much difference other than no texts. – I have to find a way to get money to Doug now that he’s no longer with Janice. (I have to find a way to get money FOR Doug! and TD and the phone… and gas for the car, and a check-up for it and repairs to it and…) – But for now? It’s time to “get bagged” for the night. – I wonder if Steve will be home…

Wed8Feb4.59Shlbrn: Leaving the pillows out of the cut-aways seems to have helped warm the room a touch. It’s not perfectly warm this morning but it’s a far cry from freezing. So I’ll give it a try during the day and see what I come home to tonight. And tonight will be about 21.00… first evening at VTB. And if VTB turns out to be too much, I can go back to 2 hours OT at JPMC. – Steve came in just past 20.00 last night and that’s when I passed out to sleep. A good 8 hours of sleep. – This morning, the moon is BRILLIANT! There’s a beautiful glow to the neighbourhood. I’m really quite fortunate in being a witness to this sort of thing. So many others simply miss it, or take it for granted. Too bad I can’t keep the window-shade open to see it from the bed. But with-out the window-shade, the temperature in here would match the out-of-doors! OK, roughing it in The North is one thing. Living VT is quite another. But living the “life-cryogenic” is out of the question. – 5.10… almost time to begin the long day ahead… But there’s food for the 11.00 meal! And tomorrow? That’s tomorrow… this is today. – 21.24 I get into the car, turn the key, start the engine and… RADIO!!! FULL VOLUME!!! And I couldn’t turn it down! Panic! I turned on the light, turned yhe power off and headed for the Shelburne Rd where… somehow, I got the volume down… at last! Then I checked to see if it was a dream… I chrcked to make sure I was wearing pants. How strange! – At JPMC there’s OT. I’ve signed on for 6 hours on Saturday… and might just cancel VTB and put in 2 hours extra at JPMC instead of working until 20.30. – Sched at VTB is only through next Tues. But they have me on Sunday evening too! I havev to think… Sunday would be extra income but only about 25-30$. And I want to shop at half price… Not that I need to buy Motek a bear right now… – Ok. Some guy orders a 4ft bear to be delivreed to the Nrs on a nuc.sub base! We roared with laughter… me with my govt. job and him with his… Imagine the inspection! – But truth is: it’s not as much fun at VTB this shift. I think I’d rather put up with the silence at JPMC for the extra 2 hours (and leave wirk in some kind ofvday-light). BUT I can’t call out!!! NO PHONE! – Tonight Steve suggested “Don’t burn yourself out.” … Nobody knows… ans nobody will. – PS I left the cut-aways open today… 17• wgen I got in… Vetter than the 14 I came in to last evening. – Time for bed. Pay tomorrow… I sincerely hope! Only 32 hours… but… Let’s hope it covers bills and expenses! -Oh… I checked an e-mail this evening… Bloodyfukking Storage Post: Another bloodyfukkong late notice! Pricks! I NEED to get the stuff OUT… NOW!!! Somehow!!!

Thu9Feb6.07Shlbrn: I can’t pull this; the VTB has to stop. It’s not worth the fatigue. JPMC pays more, is more important. I’m exhausted this morning, and not feeling well. – Not to mention… After paying only the rent, 1 monthly on the phone and Doug, I’m already down to 56$ for the coming week… and less because the phone and Doug will cost me extra because the phone goes on a 5$ pre-paid card (51$) and I’ll send Doug a money order at 1,15 (round-down 49$). From 49$ I have to figure at least 20$ gas (29$) and from the rest? Food(?). – Well… there’s this morning’s reality call. And I doubt the money’s even been posted to the account! – Then there’s trying to find a computer to pay the phone from, getting to the P.O. for the money order… and I don’t know that I even have an envelope to send to Doug! Now THERE’S the “REALity Call”! – 6.17 I SO want a nap but… GOT t’GO! – Must figure how to get Storage emptied… SOON! – 21.21 PHONE! I have PHONE! No money to me, none to Doug. But the rent’s paid and the phone’s back. The Fed doubled my tax! I got less on this 32 hours than last time. But I did what needed to be done. – The “Late Notice” from Storage said I owed 158$ so I over-paid by only 2$ instead of 12. – I got the cash from the banque at 11.00! – After work: Directly to WalMart… no Visa pre-paid. Hannaford’s in Williston… Bingo! to the P.O. … empty. Stopped at Cumberland on Pine St for 20$ in gas. It’s 3,58/gal there and 3,66-4,05$ at most other places! Seems to change every minute lately! Then drove into Shelburne to the library there. Computer for an hour. Paid the phone, printed pay statements, sent Nancy a brief. On the way back, went to Subway for a chincy chicken parm and crisps… 6$. Shelley was on the desk at North Star. Too bad I don’t want to stop and say hello. (And I’m learning, all the time, the “reputation” of the place… Imperial 400!) – Tara’s here tonight. I had a couple of shots with her. – Janice had come by just before I got in. They said she looked “down”. I thought it had to do with Doug and the car but she left a little note: Missing me. I texted her a bit. The job, life in general is all getting to her. How awful! But a few messages and I hope she’s feeling a bit better. She’s got a tough chunk of Life with family and an un-appreciative job. – So, rent and phone and gas are paid. I’ve 30$ left for the coming week. But all told: Rent, storage, 3/4 tank of gas… not bad at all! Responsible. – Oh, and Steve actually enjoys the scent of the Gain dryer sheets! (I’m relieved.) – Now I wonder why my head and face itch all the time and what are the “bites” on my hand. – I need to make a wash soon. – Stevr offered to put the heat up. I think I let it go by too quickly… It’s 19• in here, but I’m going lights-out now… fed tonight. Over-time tomorrow!

Fri.10Feb4.43Shlbrn: 22degrees in here this morning! WooHoo! (6.17 on Sat. 11 Feb) This morning’s “commute” was via the Allen Rd. and Dorset St. which made it quite beautiful. And the day at work went very well… all told. The only draw-back of note is that my fingers are cracking, as they do in Winter, which made keying a bit painful. But we do what we must. – This evening… this evening… Directly after work, I headed into BTV for a quick stop at the P.O. where there was nothing. WHERE’S MY TAX CHEQUE? and then to see Janice… “The evening” commenced: After a “hang out” at the office, I came home to the Girls and we took a stroll together. I met one of the neighbours… “Margen” I think she said. Delightlful woman. Then, back in to a cozy-warm house. – Shortly after, Janice arrived… followed by the rather “Day After Duo” (Steve and Tara). Quite the full house. -Janice surprisingly made herself “at home”… stocking feet on the coffee table in the living-room, and plotzed on the sofa. I note because I find it “interesting” that she should, considering the reputation of Shelburne… But on verra. We chatted a bit. S&T got settled in the TV room and Janice talked about going to get something to eat. (I have only a bag of rice to my name), so, out we went. We ended-up at Uno on the Shelburne Rd where, for 40$, we shared: half pizza, fallo salad, she had shrimp white beans, I had black bean soup and we each had a beer – I had a “Switchback” ale… Vermont ale… not bad. It was quite FUN! Janice was in a mood for more than “a” beer tonight and I was elected the “designated Driver” so, when our waiter asked if I’d like a 2nd, she immediately snapped “No!” It’s really quite something how seriously DUI is here. And, as I’m to understand, one can’t cross the border if there’s even ONE on one’s record! Woah! So… I had ONE and became the attentive listener as I heard more about her past. I didn’t mind. She’s had quite the Life… – Time to go and I was tossed the key. – Driving down the Shelburne Rd., the conversation went into drinking. At the light by home, I simply made the the U-tyrn and headed to the “7 Deli” (and liquor store… VT!). Inside, we briwsed the liquors and chose a peach Smirnoff (to mix with orange juice… for Janice) and I went in search of. “50". NOBODY carries it! But the brands… “Arrogant Bastard”, and our immediate favourite: “Porkslapper”, to name 2. We both decided we’ll have to try the strange ones. Then I caught sight of “Blue Moon” and “Brooklyn Brewery”! Two Rockaway/Tilden/RAA regulars, and I must admit, thoughts turned to “memories”. It was a bit sad for a brief moment. (But brief… My Life here is worth MORE than what I had back there, no doubts pantoute!) So… a Snickes for her, a Woopie Pie for me and out we went… and back to the Homestead. A bit of drinks to follow. – The house was silent when we arrived so we retired down-staurs where H. immediately went for the TV and found a VPT programme on Michael Feinstein… we were in for an evening of all the “cabaret hits” and my not-too-fond recollections of the “Broadway Beat” days… and nights. It was interesting to see how much J. appreciated that music though. – She had A screwdriver. I had a conservative double and with-in about an hour, she was asleep in the chair. By about 23.00 I put my 2 Goodwill blankets and a camp pillow on the large sofa and we called it “a night”. – What a great evening! What a shame it was on a night when I had to work the next day… But, chalk-up another tid-bit of Great Living in the Great North.

Sat.11Feb (6.35 and light dusting of snow. I slept until almost 6, have had me coffee and took a cig. in the room, window open, ceiling fan on high. Janice is asleep, down-stairs, on the sofa. All is so QUIET in the house… and I’m about to run late.) – (19.31) Made it in plenty of time this morning even after cleaning the 3 cars in the drive and moving Janice’s car into my spot. -Had to take the 189 into work though. – Work… was interesting… The comment was made: “There’s no talking on over-time.” Imagine THAT! I understand, in general, on principle. But LA MARDE! And I don’t chat or schmooze at work anyway so it made me no never mind. – A couple of texts to/fm J. during the day. I sent a copy of “Porkslapper” photo to Motek who… AMAZINGLZY… replied right away! WooHoo! (I guess I still have “It” when “it” comes to him.) – After work, drove down Dorset to Irish Hill, up Mt. Philo Rd. into Shelburne for cigs. (20.04 S&t just left. I went and got the sandwich, vodka and OJ that J. left. The sandwich is de-lish and I wish we hadn’t gotten flavoured vodka. But… I AM HAVING a DRINK!) – By 21.00 S&T were back. Well… so much for those plans. I don’t much mind. I shouldn’t have too much tonight anyway. But I have managed to clean the memory chip on the phone. Eventually I’ll get to put ALL the photos onto the Flash drive and off the phone. – 22.57 The tinkle of the heat coning up and 22,5• in the room tonight. I’ve finished my drinks, finished my pfutzing, put on my jammies, and finished my day.

JOURNAL 12-18 Fév

Sun.12Feb12.50FletcherLib and my iPod is telling me “Pas de WiFi”! I am asking “WTF?” Somehow this thing won’t even pol for WiFi! I have to work on it for a bit. This is upsetting me to nausea. 13.00 WiFi! Woot! – 18.45 and back at the Homestead. – About 3,5 hours at the library today going through e-mails and Twitter. I’m remembered on both accounts! Though 8539266 seems to have dropped. I’m no longer Homeless and there’s no Occupy, so I’ve become no interest. Still… What I need to do is become more active in the WorkingHomeless field! I honestly must. – Not a chirp from PJ. Tonight I wonder if he’s OK. There’s so much wrong about his dynamics. If he’s gone to a Shelter, I hope it was his decision. But I can’t help but remember: He has options; one of which is to get a job, any job, to make money and get out of there. I recall his “I won’t work there” attitude and, well, it bothers me. We do what we must for as long as we must. Still, he is a Good and Grand soul. I pray that he’s OK. – After library, a 6$ deposit put 25 in the savings and 20 in my pocket where there was only 8. DollarTree! Dinners “through Therrrzdee” (Shrek… VIV! OU EST TU?!) – Tonight I finished Janice’s Quizno and saw the receipt: Prime & Blue, 7,99$! (This morning I had terrible cramps… prime rib and bleu cheese… Tonight I just hope ut’s not food poisoning.) Had my 2 toastertarts and a very small apple-cinnamon oat meal. – When I stepped out for a smoke moments ago, the noise from the wind is amazing tonight! And, it’s another bitter night. Ah… the NirthCountry. – Popped off a quick e-mail to Motek and another to Nancy today. Isn’t it odd: I’ve no compulsion to communicate with many others. As I said to Motek: that is there… It goes with my absolute DREAD of going back to NY… even just across the lake! I want nothing to do with it. There, I existed; here, I Live. – First text from JS: 19.03. Hmmmm… – 21.08 and all’s well. – One day per week of no work… Insane! And today not showing at VTB put me off their “Welcome Back” list. I don’t know… maybe I’ll tell how put off by the nasty attitude I was. Maybe… Maybe not. I can’t even care right now. – Well… lunch for tomorrow is ready and the Girls are back from their walk. The house is quiet (my stomach, however, is CHURNING like mad and my right side is SORE!) But the day was productive and the temperature in here is… SHIT! 23!? Wow! Shshsh… I say nothing… I go to sleep.

Mon.13Feb4.33Shlbrn: Went to sleep, nicely in the warmth, with pain in my tight side and woke with the pain this morning. I had the same pain in NY, so this is nothing “new”. Isn’t it delightful though: Travel some 600-plus km away… away… to find that some things will follow? “No matter where you go… there you are.” This morning I wonder: Cyst? It comes; it’s painful only in some positions; it goes. Well, what-ever it is… I don’t want to know. – A note: I’m also wondering about the c.v. joints on the car. I really need to find a mechanic and take it in to the shop. But inspection and registration will be due in 2 months and I don’t need to have it taken off the road… not now… not in Winter. No. – I’m docing txts from Motek, taking them off the phone. I’d like to save them. I’m noticing very many from Steve McG! Wow! Those were delightful days when I KNEW it wouldn’t go any-where or mean anything, but I was like a kid again… for a brief while. I’ll doc those as well… I talked with Penelope about it, in T6. Imagine? And it’s been a forever since then… since those days… – 18.16 Laundry done! In the machine! Unders, khakis, light jeans, towels! First real was in… MONTHS! – And that is the “high” point of the day. Gen Beliveau got on me (AGAIN) today: I was tired and hungry this morning so I got a KitKat from the vending machine, broke it into bite-size and had had one piece when she bee-lined for me to announce “You can’t have that in here. It’s ‘crumbly’.” Add that to the “You can’t wear that in here.” with regard to my Vermont sweat-shirt, on the grounds it has a zipper (John Somebody was wearing such a sweat-shirt today) the last week of January on a particularly brisk morning, AND last week’s “When you get to form what-ever with the ‘Other Names’ tell Kyle so he can explain that to you. You’re making errors!” said loudly so the entire room could hear. Well, I rang Anne at Adecco who all but told me I have to suck it up! Then, on my lunch, I spoke with someone else who told me that Anne had noted that I was tendering my resignation! I don’t know how the end is now but yes, this WILL be settled and I am back in the job-search. E-nough! – I was SO exhaysted from it all that I passed on OT just to get OUT and AWAY from there! – Janice even rang to talk about it… abd her interview today. – And I did a wash! – Now, at 18.29 I’m just about ready to crawl into the bag and call it quits. There’s vodka and orange juice… I just might have a drink. – I’d luv to paint, but there isn’t enough ligjt and I need a little table. Can’t sit on the floor because of the painful right side. -A note though: I started putting 5s away again. Yestetday, I broke a 20 at DollarTree and recrived 2 5s. I was a bit resentful, saving them in the jar but, imagine… insread of having 10$ on hand, I added the 5s to find I have TWENTY! The 5-saving is already working! – Am now pondering using the income tax refund (I’d better get one THIS year!!!) to empty Storage. It would be perfect if it would arrive THIS week because I believe this will be a 3-day wk-end. Logistics!- I’m just so tired and Steve’s in his room, watching tele. – 20.29 8539266 Twitter: PJ and his excuses, housing give-away advocates…. NANCY! It was interesting… but I find I’ve lost my patience… I’m more focused on the WorkingHomeless now. I need to make time, get resources for that. Something more on my agrnda. Now for a last smoke and… to sleep… I hope.

Tues.14Feb. 4.39 *30 Days at 135!* Residency… again. And a restless night… the job. It’ bothering me that I have a job that I don’t mind, that isn’t physically killing me, is paying the bills and is close, and ONE BITCH has to make it difficult! I fell asleep thinking about lawyers and litigating. For fux sake! Not here too! And I’m thinking “new job” again. I think that’s my best option… Get back in there and look. Meanwhile, go, work, speak to NO-ONE and leave. OT? Yes… for ME! Then? Move along. This is VT… Life… Opportunities. After all… it’s been great thus far… KADIMA! – And today, at close of date: 30-Day Residency. Shelburnian. (Again? Yes. But today we’re not in turmoil, as we were the first time… May THIS be as it will be from now on!) – 20.33 Tara and Steve are sitting to dine and I am in jammies, reclining to retire. The day went rather well… well enough. Work. And after work I dropped by the P.O. to find a 24$ cheque from VTB and a time sheet for Mothers’ Day. But the cheque went into TD Shelburne and 20$ came back to me… cigs and A CAR WASH! (4$ at the Champ. I’d put another 1$ in to vacuum but the damned thing didn’t work! So they got the garbage that was in the car. I guess there’s still a but of NY in me… from processing all the NYC immigration papers. – There’s NO going back there… Spanish, and Guyanese. No going back. Not that I even want to…) – Took the Ladies out for their stroll this eve. They’re just SO immensely and intensely Lovable! – Then, Isetyled in to record the texts from SMcG… Feb. of 2011… a year ago… 112-22 RBB. Imagine? That was only just a year ago! How MUCH has changed! – As I drove by UVM en route to the P.O. it struck me: This little, Northern, New England town is now my “Home”… I’m soon 57, heading… no… bounding toward 60. This is “it”. This is where I’ll be staying. End of the road. Northern New England. I’ve done quite OK and sm very much OK with this. Only thing left to do is empty Storage… and I’m toying with the logistics. This is a long wk-end coming but that probably means traffic so the Ford isn’t a viable option. But then again… We’ll see what pay-day brings. – Meanwhile… It was Valentine’s Day AND my 30th day at 135! This wipes the days of 2427 clean. Today, “Residence”, Shlbrn, and VT! – Now to try for some sleep. There’s over-time this werk and I’m grabbing! Wed,Thu,Fri for 6hrs and 8 planned for Sat if possible! One if these days it’ll calm… one of these days. But for now, it’s sll well worth it: LIFE! (the 24th makes 4 months here. That 6-month mark is approaching!)

Wed.15Feb5.18Shlbrn: Slept-in this morning… 4.25… Only a bit of trouble falling asleep last night… but only because I was thinking… of things, and pondering the low mumbles. – Hopefully there will be over-time the rest of the week. I need to find a guaranteed job/income with-in the next couple if weeks! NEVER depend on “What’s Here And Now”. But RIGHT NOW I must get ready for the job I’ve got! – 17.06 Gas in the car and interior FINALLY vacuumed! (It needs a shampoo too, but that will come later.) – The Ovet-time sheet was no-where to be found when I wrnt looking today so I just left at end of shift. But… the office will be closed on Saturday and open Monday, a holiday, and I’m down for 8,5hrs on Monday. If I can swing it, I’ll stuff 4 hours in between tomorrow and Friday. (Now what to do with the wk-end? I bloody wish the fukking car would make the NY trip!) – And now? Well, I bombed out of work to come “home” to relax a bit, then get gas, clean the car and maybe get in a 413 and head to the library. I get here, Tara’s here… in Steve’s room… the door WAS open but closed when I came in. She didn’t say hello or… So as I changed into jeans, Steve came home, took the Girls out. – I missed all and went car-care. I’m exhausted! But the BTV library is open til 21.00 so I might… or not… still get to that. I’m not sure why; no computer use for me there. Oh well. – One thing for now: a bit of a nap! I noticed today: dark rings round my eyes. Hey! It’s finally getting to me? WORK! – Sent McGowan a “tweet” tonight… last year, this month. (I still have many of the text messages.)

Thu.16Feb 21.34 I can’t believe I missed the entire 15th! My 1st MONTH anniversary here! A MONTH! I noticed when I logged-on at work this morning. Wow! Time is running away! -Got “paid” on lunch break. Considerably more than I’d anticipated so… the rent is paid and I now have 2 wooden boxes beside the bed (Creative Habitat… on sale), clear shower curtain (Home Goods), another towel (WalMart), I splurged on a 15$ iTunes card, and there’s 3 soups, 4 days of peanut-butter&cheese and poppastries for lunches! (I still need shoes!) Also splurged on a Village Candle: Siberian Pine… the room stunk of wet dog whrn I got home. The house does of late… snd cigarettes. But the room is fine now. – HAD to put air in the front passenger tyre tonight! – Oh, and BROKE upper right rear tooth on s poppastry! Fukme! – No over-time this week. None approved today or tomorrow. Slim cheque next week. – It’s late. Time for beddie-bye. 23,5•! I’m quite comfy.

Fri.17Feb (on Sun.19 at 6.19) For a brief while today, the temperature was almost truyly HOT! At 13.30 break, the clouds broke, letting the sun shine down on us and it was so warm! Warmth from the sun! How not “North Country”. But… I don’t complain. All said, it’s a delight to be here… in the “North Country”. – After work, I bolted for the Fletcher Lib. to see what music I could add to the iPod and maybe get to see PJ. Well… I got 3 songs: 2 contemporaries and “Bad Weather”. The bitterness of the loss of all that music from Mr.G’s is still very much present. I managed to save the storage after falling behind, but ALL of my ENTIRE existence got shot because THREE people think SO LITTLE of me that it wadn’t worth 1$/day to even TRY to help me! Yes, the bitterness lingers and the Hate as well… no matter where I go… no matter how much time passes. – Received an e-mail fromPJ saying he’d be in town at about 16.00. I was at the library until abiut 17.30… no show. I’m willing to bet there’s an element of bing expected to drive into Wnski to fetch him and that’s why he says he’ll show, but doesn’t. On my side, there’s the issue of not forgetting the holiday season when there were jobs to be had and hearing “I won’t work there” and “I can’t work there”. NOT! For me, I did what I HAD to do to get out of the Rockaway mess and then out of the Shelter! If I’ve done “well” here, in VT, it’s because I WORKED at it, and NOT bevause I refused to DO things to make it better here. Frankly, I’m disappointed and fed up with Defeatist attitude. – That said… The week-end commenced as I left BTV for Shlbrn. – At the house, Tara was in for the wk-end and I was ready to simply “buzz” my 2 days away… I went for the remaining peach vodka and orange juice. There wasn’t much in there and Steve mentioned having helped consume it. No prob! Seriously. I’m quite glad he did. But… then I did something I’d no business doing… Steve abd Tara took off for a night out and I took off across the road for a bottle of my own! Yup; I found the liquor store and now I get to avail m’self. Got a bottle of “360", mostly for the bottle with the stopper and partly to give it a try, and a bottle of tonic (in my haste… diet… ICK!). But here I was, on m’way to a little celebration of the ability to buy a bottle, relax, un-wind and settle in for the night. – Well… it didn’t take much and it didn’t take long and I did the “Regretables”: It began with a call to Schmulik, who didn’t answer, and I left a brief “thinking of you” message. THEN it got WORSE with a call to… Penelope! who also didn’t answer but I LEFT a message THERE! WTF? (Yes; I was BOMBED!) The “Finale” came with a call to… AZIZ! Truth? I don’t regret that one. I still have this Comeraderie with the Shelter guys. I doubt that that will ever go away. I can’t tell anybody about those Shelter days, nobody would understand and everybody will (in their own manner) judge. ANYway, it was good to hear his voice and to hear about: Tony is still in the old room (and asking about me), Cruz took off for a few months to go some-where else (Aziz thinks maybe PR), so Tony has “Room Seniority” now. Storage? The double locks were confirmed but I forgot to ask about “currently”; another time. For a while it almost sounded as if Aziz was talking the “Denis Nixon” shit: I should come live with you because you’ve done so well. Mi nah tink so! I got here ALONE, it’s cost ME PLENTY. Mi nah tink so! Still… I wouldn’t mind a bit of a… But NOT in Shlbrn. – The call was 45mins and of course, I’d had another “beverage” during and THAT was when the “happy reminder” hit… – Let’s just “bottom-line” this day with: Much of the intake turned output at the end of a finger, as Michael said when I had the Nbg house alone “You can run around naked!”, somebody’s bott got a try (though it failed), and I brought the sleeping bag to the floor for the night. The End.

Sat.18Feb (Sun.19 at 7.11) I “Woke” at 8.00 this morning and none-too-pleased with myself. LAST night was NOT worth THIS morning! But rather than loll about, un-productive, I hit the Queens Library bag O’ Papers, Sorted through them, tossed much, turned many into “note pad’ and “filed” the remainder in the new box! – In the interim, texts from Janice who wanted me to drive up to St.Albans for a hang-out. a) I’m hung-over and not in the mood for her little prob-child who disrespects me regularly and the Aunt (who doesn’t do much to make me “comfy” OR the sister who just got the FREE CAR! and b) The Ford I’m driving isn’t exactly spiffy: The front end wobbles, I think the CVs/axle are/is shot, the damned car PULLS whrn I hit the brakes, the transmission skps and c) I just don’t wanna. If I was to drive there, I’d ratger do the little extra snd go to… Québec. So… I got the papers done, had peanut-butter&cheese for “brunch” and napped. By about 13.00 I went for a shower. Still icky from last night. – Thinking that “motion” would work the “icks” out, I headed out the door… Radio Shack, in search of a gadget that would let me listen to the iPod in the car, and maybe a little radio to listen to at work. Shelburne Rd. Well, I got the radio. A little pocket radio, like the “old days”. Almost 20$! And it runs on “AA” not 9v. The times, they have a-changed. OK. Now for a pair of SHOES! -A stop at the ATM where my withdrawl left me with a considerable amount more than I can figure but will calc later and… Onto the 189 to… U MALL! Feeling like shit, but in “motion”, and not encumbered by anyone else with their own agenda. PayLess… nithing. ShoeDepot… nothing. Kohls… nothing. Ugly shoes. “Man made” materials. 50, 60, 85$ for plastic shoes, made in bloody China! Shit, crap and junk! Off to Goodwill in Williston. Why? Why not? Well, I dud get a little dust pan (1,98$) for hair-cut day (rather needed but nit forth-coming) and that about did me in. So too, the day. When I came out of there, the darkness had returned and the day was done. There’d been several messages from Janice to meet here-and-there. We actually just missed each-other during the day. But I just wanted to rest… AND THE CAR:
The wobbling front-end
Brake pulling heavily to the right
Slow leak in tyre
Miserable transmission
I wanted off the road!
A brief stop back at RadioShack where it was confirmed: the iPod gadget will cost about 80$! NOT! There are other things that money NEEDS to go to and NOT that! – HUNGER! McDonalds! 20 McFukkitz and med fries and back to the Homestead to listen to the radio: Prairie Home Companion! Saturday night “normalcy”… again… AT LAST! – Apparently, I was not alone in my “icks” this evening so I made the chit’n’chat brief and retired to my chambre to stuff the quick food into my empty gut. – By 21.00… This day too, had passed. I had… survived.

Sun.19Feb 6.14Shlbrn And why I am awake at this hour is anybody’s guess. Since I have to BE AT work by this time tomorrow, I thought it best to put myself back on “routine” rather than sleep-in and not be tired enough tonight. – 8.39 And Fri. Sat. are journalled. The sun is brilliant this morning but it’s deceiving: It’s quite chilly out there! -3 with N.wind. It’s only 18 in here! Yesterday it was 23. I don’t mind “cool” but… c’mon now! 800$/mo and chilled? (And I’m still recovering from Fri. nite… I’m OLD… and, I nituced, DRASTICLY at LOST WEIGHT… UGLY!) – A 2-part message from PJ on my text! I simply deleted. He just doesn’t get the fact that lengthy messages make fir havoc on the phone! Dense. Le mot du jour. – Today’s “agenda”? Not certain, but not hanging about. – There’s a place in Williston called “Mr.G’s Liquidation Center”! A destination for the day! (It’s Williston Liquidators and they’re open at 9.00! ROAD TRIP! – And so, at 4.11 on Monday morn we report that the day went, savethe car, very well indeed. We have a bit of a “Paint Station” in the corner of the room at a cost of about 25$. (I now need a chair.) – Liquidators was quite impressive, in a down-scale sort of way. Much to be seen and for 2,99$ a 6-pack of 360 calorie Boost Plus! Individuals at 79cents! I bought the pack and 6 indiv. (I saw me in the mirror yesterday: I’m getting that “Old” appearance… emaciated with sagging, wrinkled skin! The look that I’ve been repulsed by in many of my patients! I need to fatten-up! And I wonder why I simply can’t. SOMEthing is eating my caloric intake… CA? Perhaps. I don’t want to know. It would be my luck: Great job, beautiful place to live… Live…, pay my debts, die. The End.) Ok. Moving along.. Janice wanted me to come to the house today but the car… steering is awkward, the brakes yank to the left (not to the right) and it’s not subtle. I still think CV joints/axle, and I’m not about to hit the road that way… although, it really isn’t THAT far. Still. And I didn’t get out of Liquidators until almost noon. So… I drove, alone, into BTV to seek a table & chair at RecycNo… Closed! No hurry… no panic… try HomeDepot… back out to Williston. -Ah hah! Not exactly what I wanted but a 20$ chrome shelving unit and. 5$ but of wood-stuff shelving! Bingo! (And, it being a nice day and being in HomeDepot, “stuff” to “play” with from plumbing and hardware… and why not?) – Next stop? McD’s for McFukkitz, 20/5,49$. Road-trip and the day… done. Back to the Homestead where a message came in: “Are you on the way?” OK… I’d said the car isn’t running properly AND that I have to be AT work by 6.00 tomorrow but… Sometimes one just has to say “No. I don’t think the car’ll make ut. Front-end troubles.” and deal with the reply “Oh… bummer.” – I assembled the shelving in s corner, re-arranged the room. – Thought on the day: RecycNo, Goodwill, Liquidator, FamilyDollar… Already I’m learning the cheap living in the area! The little “secrets” of the “locals”. I DO miss my Brighton shops and the little discount holes about NYC. But this is pretty good! In only 4 months… – What would make the “Paint Station” perfect would be the glass from the top of the dresser… currently in Ozone Park. So tonight, again, I fell asleep trying to figure hiw to get there, to get things, by car, train, plane, &c. One of these days I see me just getting into the car and heading off… come what may.

Mon.20Feb 4.40Shlbrn: I NEED to get to the banque and PO tomorrow and pay storage for March! This month is gone already! – And I need gas too! Byt the 5-jar is doing very well in that respect… Little blessings. – I’m just waiting to rid yesterday’s intake resids… aka: morning dump, and we’re off to a new day. What more can I say? It’s a Fed holiday and, althought I certainly COULD have had it, I NEED the income much more than I need the free time. And I’m grateful for having the work. – After, perhaps the search for… the chair. Then… WATER-COLOURING! – It’s 20-bloody degrees in here this morning. Tara has left the bldg and our 23• are a thing of the past. Alas. – Off we go, into the day… well… morning darkness anyway. – 20.34 Listening to FRENCH on the SONY RADIO! – Let’s begin at the beginning… I made it out of the house in plenty of time, and by the time I got up the Allen aroad to Spear… MY GUTS wanted to EXPLODE! I JUST made it into the 1st floor loo! Only just. WOW! It’s been a while but it hit this morning. Make it better? An hour later, I went again, a tiny bit… WITH FRANK, RED BLOOD! OK then! BLOOD… nit on the toilet paper… coming from internally. Well… ? I don’t want to know. (This is all going to be takrn from me… this “Life” I never had and have now… briefly.) About an hour later, all was well, as if nothing had happened. – Work went very well. Domino’s puzza, 2 slices each, was served. And the day went rather quickly. – After: A 6$ deposit gave an 80$ withdrawl and an Immediate trip to BedBath&Beyond in search of a chair! Nothing. Marshall’s. Nothing. WalMart. Nothing. I headed to RecycleNorth and found a glass top instead of the lumber but it comes eith an ugly metal desk (25$). and a chair! 10$. Office: fabric and wood, but blue. I deferred… K-Mart. No chairs but for 24$ I bought a DUPLICATE of the Sony radio I’d gotten for Rockaway! Something to hear in my little room. And, 9$ ear-buds fir the radio for work. So? Not too bad. – En route home, gas (20$ gave me about half a tank at 3,72$/gal! fuk!) and s pack of smokes. Broke… just about. – At home, I tuned AM to all talk French and took the Girls for a delightful stroll. It’s so peaceful here. I owe me a visit to the lake! I still haven’t made it. – Steve came home almost immediately after we returned and shortly after, his friend Matt came by. Matt’s s NYer (Oswego… fam. in LI and Bklyn), been here some almost 20 years, is running into tough times at work. (But I note the Audi driven.) We chatted briefly and I retired to the chambre. I don’t want to encumber (and I wanted to listen to the radio!). – J.San is having a butch of it. Debbie is already calling out on the job ( and got that free car?! Shit!). The entire group was there, at the house. If the FukFord would gave made it OK (there’s REALLY something WRONG with the front end) I’d’ve driven up. But we did texts for quite the while. – Now? I seriously need to try for sleep. – Oh, the water pressure is up. I wish the heat would follow… chilly 20 tonight. – The charging phone interferes with my radio. Never did that before. ANOTHER EXPENSE? (and bleeding guts…) – Oh well… C’est tout.

Tue21.Feb4.40Shlbrn: At 4.16 a message from Janice: she’s just getting to bed! It jolts through me because of the nights, in NY, with Margot, in the Shelter, Rockaway… the days of going to work on little more than 3 hours of sleep. The sensation of Burn-out from the worry, the stress and the absence of rest. – Last night, I too had strsnge dreams/thoughts: there’s an itching in my eyes, not so much “in” as “on”… like little critters crawling. I sometimes get the itch on the back of the neck, but mostly on the eyelids and lashes. I semi-dreamt it’s little translucent worms crawling about my face! I wouldn’t doubt it… bleeding guts and worms on the face. Why not? Why not now, when Life is going rather well? … Too well. – This morning was quite noisey out there in the dark; geese on the lake, taking flight, and the droning of something, similar to the constant drone in St. Albans from the creamery and the trains. – And this morning I think: I don’t want to change the world; I’m not looking for a New England… yet, here I am. – 2 Boosts and 2 slices of pizza all day yesterday. This isn’t the way to gain weight. – Almost 5am already. The morning slips by so quickly. – 21.12 Notes: The radio works fine at the office but there’s noting but Country music stations! (I scanned up and down through the day and was rather amazed and disappointed; no French stations. And the Country stations play the same songs, on different frequencies, ALL day. In a way/after a fashion?, it put my location into quite the perspective… Country.) – (Right away, after work, I headed for RecycleNo. for the chair! With 14$ to my name, I got the very chair! 10,70$. A great deal! Getting it into the car was a bit of a curcus feat. Either the chair is larger or the car is smaller than my perception of each is good for. But… I squoze and was on the road to the P.O. hoping to be shocked by a tax refund cheque, or a notice that the Fed has found another excuse this year for keeping it all… I don’t doubt they will because, as always, I truly need that money, and what…) I got was a 40$ cheque fm VTB! (Went to the Main St. banque ATM to change it and be on m’way for some small shopping.) – A green 2$ fleece (Wildlife Federation… to go with the “wildlife” motif that seems to have evolved in the room) to cover it (the chair is upholsteted in blue but at 10$? The fleece does the job), at Goodwill where I also bought a tiny pair of harness boots 5$ (I’ve wanted them for so long… for the car… and a 99-cent “BTV Land Trust” coffee mug!) – (A quick trip to the Dollar Store for disinfectant spray for the chair… not necessary but precautionary, a walk over to Walgreens for cigs and to see that they still have their own version of EnsurePlus for 99-cents more than I used to pay. Next stop: McFukkitz and… home!) – Had to squeeze the chair out of the car, but once in the room… WELL worth the investment! – Chat’n’schmooze with Steve about “living” in the out-of-doors and a friend of his who lived in a cave and another who went Homeless and into the woods for many months! WELL! And his reaction was rather pleasant on both accounts. I spoke, briefly, on living in the Bakfort. No judgement.) – The 5jar is up to 45 today! (May that continue to a hefty weight.) – I’m exhausted and in for OT tomorrow. –

Wed.22Feb5.10: Added the parenthicals to yesterday and am just in the morning loo. I don’t know what I expect since I’m not really eating much of late. But… I’m still not even sure why I woke at 4.30 this morning. Yesterday, I actually got to work well ahead of myself. Well… let’s see where today gets us. – (On Thu. 4.26) The day went rather well. Got to work (and back… in a car that feels as if it’s about to lose its front wheels). And I left work to come directly home. – A note if some interest: For almost an hour today, I was able to work without glasses! Is it the nutrition in the Boost that’s helping my vision? I’m planning on returning to having them regularly again, for a while. May it help… with weight and such. – Tara is with us so that means heat in the house for a few days. And it’s interesting: Steve led me to believe that he’s more the bachelor type. Still, I’m rather glad he has her in his life. – I signed-up for an extra hour tomorrow in the morning. If I didn’t HAVE to get to the PO to pay storage, I’d have put in for the 2 hours in the afternoon. But storage payment must be made. – En route home I thought: the damned car is registred to Doug… if the wheel snaps off, it’ll be a great inconvenience to me, for work, but I can just leave it, call him and let it go at that. I’m a bit resentful at present; he must have known about trouble with the front end and still eants 1800$ for it! And didn’t say anything. Then there was the bit about fixing the engine, the tyres… never happened. – I was planning on calling him about payments when, I no sooner got in and the msg from J.San: He asked her to ask me to call him! I returned a pleasant msg saying I will, on Sunday, because I’ll be working OT through Saturday. She came back with not being the “creme” in the middle and I resent that. She talks to him more often and texts me regularly. So I simply apologised for asking and said to forget about it. I’m rather annoyed (and tired). The reply: call after 14.00 on Sunday. Fine. That’ll be all the texting for the week. No arguments or issues. I’ve no space in my time for it. -And so, I was invited to a shot or 2 this evening and had 3 before bed. (On intake of 2 peanut-butter sandwiches and a soup… no more lunch food left). Tara and I discussed kashrut (so fun). And I retired to the room by abiut 19.30 to fetch lyrics for Adele and Shakira… until almost 23.00…

Thu.23Feb It’s 4.44 already! That’s not mch sleep. It’s going to be difficult, staying awake at work today. Oddly, I woke moments before the 4.05 alarm. I’ve been doing that. – Yesterday, Boost in the morning, lunch, Boost when I got in and one before bed. 3×360 calories. Another Boost this morning. The liquid should hit… soon. I doubt it’ll be “pretty”. But it’s caloric and… might be rather “cleansing”. 1080 calories in the liquid, 920 short of 2000/day. – Anyway, time to shower and try to make a normal day of it. Hopefully I’ll get paid and no one will intercept my income. It’s my Weekly Worry. If the tax cheque would come, I could cover the banque and have rent, storage, phone and car and a level budget! This is a battle. But I saved Storage! Lets see whstbelse xan be saved. (And I’ve been on the loo since beginning and now, at 5.00… surprise! There actually was something. This is a good sign… a shitty morn is a good morn.) – (Catch-up at 6.30 on Saturday…) When I looked out the window this morning, all looked rather wet but as soon as I got on the paved drive? ICE! Last night’s rain had frozen! It was interesting driving, not too bad and would have been better in a car that didn’t move in its own direction even on great roads. But, I made it to work by the promised 6.00 and so, it began well. – All morning I worried, as every Thursday now, about gettin paid. Every Thursday I suffer, actually, wondering if some debtor will snatch my income from me. So at 11.00, I was out and buzzing to the banque. Well? The pay was there! Lousy, no over-time, but enough to pay rent and storage with a tad left for gas, food, cigs. Relief! – Back at the office, the really bad good news: For about 45 mins we got thanked by the Director… we’d done so well, worked so well that we’d worked ourselves out of over-time; I HAD to leave the hour early! Add to that: Monday was straight time and NOT holiday pay! Fukked! So much for hopes and insane plans of attempting to get to storage next week-end. Alas. – Next break, a messafe from J.San: SACKED! Well “WTF?” as the say. The one who helps others find work gets the boot-in-the-arse! And just like that! Must note: MY initial response was “What can I do and how will I help her?” It wasn’t a 2nd thought… it was an immediate response. Never mind I can’t help me… how will I help her? It’s interesting, that after all the years, I instinct is still: others. We’ll see how this plays out: Will she take work to continue income or go the “Won’t do THAT… fir THAT kind of money” route? – Anyway… I decided: Since the weather report is threatening some major snows on the week-end and I’m in no position to travel (fukked care and finances)… After work, the direct line to the P.O. to (over)pay storage for March and next, art supplies! Water-colour paper at Wal-Mart, steel ruler and Xacto at Michael’s and back to ye Olde Homestaed. I was exhausted and quite ready for bed already, and that’s about what happened. – Matt came by this evening so he and Steve had “Guys’ Night” for a while. Oddly enough, Matt’sD Audi gave him wheel/tyre trouble, Steve’s Sube is giving him wheel/tyre trouble, I’m having whee/tyre trouble. Mayhaps it’s a “VT thing”? Many roads ARE a mess. Hmm… But later in the evening I did get some chit-chat in and got next week’s rent paid (or, as I call it: “Contribution to the house-hold” because it doesn’t feel like “rent”). – I’d picked up a sweat shirt (grey, of course, and some cheap, kids’ acrylic paints at the Wal-Mart, so, before bed tonight, I lettred: (c)(18) pn the shirt… for tomorrow. Let’s see IF there’s ANY sense of humour in the joint. – The two major responsibilities attended (storage and rent)… the day was done!

Fri.24Feb (7.06 Saturday morning) Today I gave ME an extra hour of “sleep-in” because I needed it, wanted it and wanted to see how much it would throw me off. It didn’t do me any good: no extra “rest” and too much hassle in the morning. – A quick stop at the ShortStop for cigs en route to work this morning but… NO FOOD for lunch! SO typical of me. – When I got to the top of the Swift Rd at Dorset this morning, I got caught at the red light and, glancing about, I noticed… THE REFORM SYNAGOGUE! I MUST give it a try some Shabbat now that I know where it is! Today’s discovery! – At the “lunch” break, a text to J.San. When I mentioned no lunch she replied that I should have told her, she could have come with food. See? My reaction to her news and her reaction to mine. Good people, in a good area. Another “This was an excellent jump” moment. – The day was going rather well when, after lunch… the weekly “Quality Report”. DISASTRE! Over 200 errors for ONE week! I thought I was about to be sacked! Typos mostly, but the technicals saved me as did the fact that I explained: I felt pressured to move apps, I had the opportunity to discuss previous errors, have discoveted methods of improving. I didn’t get sacked but… It’s just that THEY can’t or won’t decide “firmly” between “Productivity” and “Accuracy”! Fukkme in the meanwhile. Eh? From here forward, I’m on “Accuracy”. Period. – The snows began… intetestingly some-what heavy but no great accumulations. – after work, I headed out in search of chairpad and another lampe to work by. The snow was coming dow and things were starting to look beautiful, and the roads were still OK. First stop, WalMart. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like KMart and the rest: a huge store full of nothing. But I figured, I’m across from Goowill and one never knows until… so? So. Across the road… – It isn’t really a chair-pad but BINGO! A perfect throw-pillow, 1,99$! As opposed to the 13$ crap at WalMart! I was pleased, and the snow was falling and.. I browsed further to find… SHOES! DOCKERS! MY SIZE! Almost brand new condition. 4,99! Leather shoes! No “manmade” shit at 50$! SOLD! They’re brown, I want black. But at 4,99$? SOLD! No lampe but hey! And… ANOTHER blanket… another 1,99$. (It’s becoming. routine: a blanket EVERY time. The house is always so damned cold, I’ll be loaded with blankets before much longer. – On the road to the Dollar store: a 3-way bulb instead of a lampe, a 5-pack Ramen Noodles, tin of chili, beef stew and some Ramen beef teryaki thing. Bargains and… home. – Tara and Honey are in for the week-end (HEAT in the house! Only when they’re here do we warm the place up. Hey! No complaints.) – I “made dinner”: tap water into the noodles-thing, opened the chili with the church-key (eventually I’ll get a can opener) and tossed all together. Not half bad, but I was HUNGRY! – All things being Friday and no work tomorriw, I settled-in with a v-tonic in the BTV Landtrust mug. My week-end commenced. – A few text msgs with Janice to check-in and make sure she’s OK. – By about 23.00… This day was “OhVuh”. And I was rather happy with my bargains.

Sat.25Feb Up at 6.00 looking fwd to the day. Didn’t get the major snow. Street plowed at 6.30… quite loud. – 7.30 Steve awake, I hear the dogs. I go for a nap. – A productive, restful and occupied day… I got a HAIRCUT in! “short back and sides” (Thank you Ian Hunter… I should get a tune or 2 from that LP on the iP… memories of TJ and getting on the 3rd Av bus to work, stepping into the doir as Ian belted “Heeeeerz Lisa!” The things remembered… the EARLY 80s… Zur.) Finally filed nails today too! – Janice was in BTV today, to fetch Stephen but to get some “Her” time as well. We met at “Mumzy’s” round 17.00 and she gave me her sandwich and chips that she didn’t finish. (Fantastic, by the way: mozzarella and pesto! But 8$! For a sanwich!) – We visited a bit, she left and I stayed a bit longer, schmoozing. Marge always invites me to come by when-ever. Says there’s always lots of food and I need to eat. Tony got on my nerves tonight, butting in constantly, like a brat, to tell me how the Dominicans destroyed NYC, which streets are where, what nrighbourhoods are good… from his recollections of 20 years ago! THEN he started as king what I do with my income! Time to leave and so I did… with an open invite from Marge. Seems I’m Janice’s peace’n’sanity and Marge’s friend too! Hey! In only 4 months! Now to expand my acquaintances… – Stopped at Shell fir gas and cigs and headed back to the homestead. – The night began… They’d already gotten started, I was offered to share in “the Stag” and tonight I accepted. We got to playing music of all sorts, smart-phones and iPod. And Steve complimented me on my singing voice! I got them into listening to Blue Rodeo (and me into REALLY missing Viv). – The night went on into the next morning! It’s been a long time since I last did that… other than the nights at the Shelter when the situation wasn’t “fun”. I mean: I put away 4 jiggers of Red Stag and a vanCoke-v (and came away pretty sober none-the-less). – It was 3.00 on Sunday when it all came to a halt! And I came to my room to go to sleep to my Québec radio. – Two notes: This evening, Tara mentioned something about worrying about Steve’s health. Apparently asthma isn’t the only thing going on there. And… at 3.00 (Sunday morning) after all had retired, there was a BANG from Steve’s room! I went to listen for Tara, in case help was needed, but all went quiet immediately after. If there are health problemmes, I hope they’re not serious. Steve’s an amazing human, truly noteable and remarkable. My Life has become MORE “Living” because of him. For his Gift of “Life” he should be rewarded… by the Great Metaphysical Powers that Are. – Another week closes… to make way for a new week.

Sun.26Feb Woke at 8.00. Not ill, just dragged a bit. 5 hours of sleep. Radio on all night: Rouge FM. French! – I lazed quite a bit this morning, dorting through papers again: tossing silly receipts and putting other papers in some sort of order. – Janice began text messages. She had to come to Shelburne to fetch Aunt Deb and was bringing soup for me. Set my day off because I’d planned to go to the library by 13.00. – They arrived about 13.30 and, as before, Janice just came strolling in, followed by Aunt Deb who immediately headed for the table, opened her Subway sandwich and proceeded to make HERself at home. I don’t understand that absence of décorum: to come into someone else’s house and immediately become “familiar”. Odd, Liz used to do the same thing! I don’t know, maybe I’m the wrong one here, I still treat this house as though I’m a guest. A cultural thing?I’m not sure. But what strikes me is how Deb made herself a fixture when, like Liz’s mother, she makes it rather clear that she’s not so fond of me… for some reason. Ballsy, I’d say. Anyway, Janice brought a large container of pasta-chicken-veg soup, crackers and a chocolate cake of some sort. It was so sweet of her. She says that she and Marge are on a mission to make certain that I eat better. (I suppose, were I the type, I’d never have to buy my own food. It’s a rather running theme in my life: people wanting to feed me. Cute.) – They atayed about an hour and we were all on our separate ways. Just before the 189 I caught-up with them, tooted the horn and we waved. How strange, I thought: 4 months into a strange place and I’m tooting at “friends” on the road! This Northern VT life! – A quiet vist at the library… no PJ and no messages back and forth. One e-mail from last week: he’s missing our hanging-out days and feels he should meet me in Shlbrne. Me? I’m not so sure. I feel he should be doing something progressive toward getting out of that house and on his own! (My opinion.) I too miss the hanging about days. But I’m disappointed; I’ve been here 4 months and he’s made no motion toward independence, in spite of whining about his lot. That, of course isn’t why we don’t meet. I’ve made attempts when I get into BTV. I do believe he expects me to drive to fetch him, and strictly on principle, I won’t. ANYway… – Hours got posted, e-mails got browsed, some tunes got down-loaded (Love Can Make You Happy… reminds me of Oma’s, Chris Isaac… in memory of Mark Johnson). An hour or 2 alone, in BTV, very similar to the time at the library in NYC… imagine? – From the library, stopped at Hannaford’s for instant coffee and gas at Shell, then back to a quiet (and cool) house. – Heated some of the soup and cleaned the kitchen as it heated. Put it into the huge glass mug, having no dishes of my own here. Managed to burn my fingers on the stove because of not paying attention. Not too serious, but enough. Especially the thumb. Thankfully, not on the “strike side” on the space bar. (Priorities… ‘stie!) – This evening I accompanied Steve on the walk with “The Girls”. We don’t get to talk much, and it’s nice to get out of the house, stroll and chat. – After, I actually drove up to the deli for cigs! SO “bumpkin” of me! I was about to head for the Mobil, only because of old habit from the NS days, but I believe I saved almost 2$ by suddenly realising I could go to the DELI! I’m learning. But the real reason I drove was to warm the car… I had to ring Doug, didn’t want to do so in the house, so figured I’d sit in the car. But not in the cold… – And so I did ring Doug. And we talked about 30-45 mins! He was en route to NH or something. Anyway, my fears of losing the car, him being in miserable moods, were arrested. BUT, before we had the chance to finalise anything, my damned phone went dead! It really doesn’t hold a charge! Meanwhile, Doug claims the swaying drive on the car is due to the tyres… (I still say it’s more serious but…) I texted him to say I’d ring back on Wed. – As soon as I can, financially, I MUST/WILL make the trip to Ozone Park, clear out storage and finally sever ties… once and for all… and HAVE that extra 50$ (to give to other debtors). – Tara’s at the house tonight. – 18 damned degrees in here. – But Radio Rouge sings to me on the radio. It’s all fine.

Mon.27Feb: My left ear is swollen, painful! In-grown hair? And I’ve nothing to put in/on it! – 21.05 3 applications of bleach and VOILA! The dark puss that covered the cotton swab! I got the bleach at the dollar store and had at the ear. All day it kept swelling and itching as it did so. So, with the little cash on hand… Hopefully it does the job over-night. As for the rest of the day? I put in a very praceful, and attentive 10 hours. I took my time on the work. Hopefully my productivity will drop only slightly but my accuracy will sky-rocket. – A text from Janice makes me think Doug had more to say about the car than I’m being allowed to know. Well, it’s going to hurt terribly, but I’ll start giving him money this week. – Other-wise… HARMONIUM on the radio tonight! And I recall ALL the lyrics! Oddly, no pain with it as was the case in the past. The “painful” memories are gone, it would seem. Maybe the angry ones will follow… soon. And then? I’ll die… no doubt. – Oh… almost forgot: today I processed an immig. appl. for someone from… Nwbg… Scotland! It truly does exist.

Tue.28Feb 4.58: I was up at about 3.00 (but went back to sleep) because of the ear. It drained, itched, and I could feel the draining… in my sleep. A few swabs took out brownish pus. An “official” infection I suppose. Reminded me of the sinus infection in Nwbg. Same colour. I went back to sleep wondering how I’d handle this if it required going to the ER… no insurance. But now, there’s more cotton in the ear and it seems to have improved a bit. Not as painful. I’ll put more cotton in during the day to catch any further drainage. But the waking at 3 set my sleep cycle off. It’s going to be a tough day… of 10 hours. – And indeed it was a tough day! (5.17 on Wed.) The ear itched and at times was SO painful. But I managed to make it through. Then, at the 13.30 break, I went to sign-on for sorely needed OT… JEFF says: “I can’t give you over-time. Your production last week was really bad. I can’t pay you over-time with that.” I replied “I’m on for over-time tonight; should I not stay then?” Says he; “Just work your regular hours this week. We’ll talk when I finish this call.” He had his little “BlueTooth” thing in his ear. I went on break, came back, sat to work, waited for him to let me know when the call was done… at 15.30, I got up and left. – JOB SEARCH TIME RETURNS… EARLIER THAN EXPECTED! And I was planning on OT to cover a multitude of expenses coming! Fukked… again. – I went to the PO where a card from Nanc awaited. No tax cheque, sadly. But the card from Nanc soothed my daily wounds. As if it were planned, timed. Thank you Nanc! Thank you. – To the Fletcher Library. I wanted a bit of music for the iPod (since it’s already paid on the “gift card”) and to copy my first VT tax refund cheque before THAT 11$ gets sucked into the miasma. And there, at the library… Caroline, whomI met at VTB and tgen at BES. I’d wondered how she was faring. She looked nothing less than exhausted! But I understood: she’d been shoved out the door at 7.00 and wouldn’t be allowed back in until about 19.00. Shelters can be so intensely cruel, especially during Winter when there’s NO concern, consideration or compassion for the creature comforts of the residents. Life isn’t difficult enough for the Homeless and then, they’re thrown out into rhe elements like house-pets! It angers me. But she and I talked: affairs of the shelter (odd, how to me, 30th St. is the “Shelter” but here, and else-where, it’s a “shelter”… less), religion, theology, her storage, her life… she thanked me for talking with her. I think, maybe, I need this coming “no OT” time to begin my movement supporting the WorkingHomeless. Perhaps that is what it’s all about…? – I copied my cheque before leaving the library at almost 18.00. Caroline was going to dinner, served not at the shelter this evening. – Home, directly, quiet house. I continued to work on my little parchment painting. Janice’s texts were of a “road-trip” with Doug tonight. – Tara came, via taxi, at about 19.30/20.00 (I thought: good, the house will be warm… WRONG!) – And so, I continued to paint until time for bed… – I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’d rather job-hunt. But no work is no income and I need the money! I decided to “sleep on it, decide in the morning”. – Lights out just past 21.00 – Oh… I was out for my last smoke tonight when a Morf cab pulled up in front of the house… Tara’s in. Maybe shel’ll bring a bitbif warmth to the place… Hope…

Wed.29 5.17: So cold in here last night that I had to cover, completely, IN-side the sleeping bag. And this morning, 18•. The ear is still draining and the cotton is stuck in my ear until I shower. – 5.46 On the pot. I should be getting ready to shower. I’m still un-decided about even giing to work but, this issue needs to be discussed, I’ve made at least 3 days’ effort at “quality v. quantity” and yet, I feel I’m not getting the fareness of the fact that this action is being taken right after that Quality report just last week, giving NO time or consideration to my efforts. I also have a deep-gut feeling that Ms. Gen Beliveau is some-how involved. But I don’t “know”. So? I’ll go, and leave at regular time. On verra. – Work… On time and silent. But today, an item of interest: I got a form that was quite difficult to read. Not wanting to be “errored” (as they call it) I asked Jess, who was my “Sponsor” (as they call it) what I should do… “Just skip those fields, that’s what I’d do.” she said, almost annoyed. And just as I began to process the form, Alyson came up behind me to say “You should be recycling that!” Later, she told me I’d have been “written-up” for having done it! SO! And, when I’d gotten Amanda to recyc that, and pulled another batch, she said, before the new batch came up, “Recycle that.” When I asked “The one I just pulled up?” Steve mumbled “Just do it.” OK then! I’m trying to salvage this miserable income, barred from any extra time and income, and there are, it appears, those who work against me. Why? Don’t know, don’t care, “real”ly. I’ll just do what I must to get what I need to stay where I want to be. THEN… I got. “military” appl and remembered they needed to be forwarded. Of ALL people, Gen B. pleasantly helped me with THAT! Let’s add: at day’s end, as I was prepping to leave, “my Jen” (the delight of my day) came to say that I should continue where I was, fir OT. But when I said I wasn’t doing OT she was surprised, the time sheet hadn’t been changed! I changed it, per her instruction. – Add to this “novela”: At the 9.00 break, TWO robins flew into the bldg. as I had my cig! One survived. One broke its neck and died. And Paul, whom I’ve wanted to chat with, came out for his break as mine was ending! (Bum-timing) Next break, another dead robin! They shouldn’t be here during Winter, they never left this year, they flock in large numbers, and now they’re killing themselves. Wrong… simply wrong. – After work, to my joy, I had 20,06$ in the banque! I now have ,06$. But I have cigs, and frosting and cookies… the sugar thing. -A quick stop to an empty PO box (where’s word from my taxes?) – Stopped at the library for about 2 hours. Moved some Journal from iPod to blog and got “Gaga oo la la”! and “Who Is He And What Is He To You”. 2 hours, in the library, alone… again. The more things change, the more they stay the same. – I hit the Dollar store en route home for the sugar and devoured the cookies on the road. – Mat was at the house when I arrived. I chatted, to be sociable, came to the room to text Doug. Janice replied. They were in NH en route back to VT. (There’s something truly lovely about that. “Back to VT”. As much as it still hasn’t truly hit my sense of reality, I’m in VT, not NY. And when I think about it, being here, it’s comforting and peaceful.) We sent msgs back and forth a while as they were on the road until I had to get to bed. – The weather report is for SNOW tonight and tomorrow! The flurries have begun at 21.00. I wonder… I have much planned for tomorrow and in a car that doesn’t drive well in snow. And tomorrow is March… No doubt, THIS time the forecast will be en pointe. – The ear is driving me crazy. I wonder just what caused this infection and how serious it is. – Bed by 21.30 in a chilly 19,5•. – February 2012 is gone. On to March and month 5… in The North Country.