January 2011 (OH JUST FK ME AND GET IT OVER WITH!)

1.Jan:
(PostTime: 10.22) 9.03 The very thought of having to return to The City is turning mu stomach. It’s been such a delight, sleepimg through the night, in darkness & silence, waking in the silent morning, stepping out in the peace, the hemlocks, to have a smoke, walking down the drive for the paper & standing at the edge of a road not full of rushing vehicles. And this morning, seeing the deer tracks in the snow. – It hasn’t been a lazy 10 days. I got nothing done on the afghan, no art-work. I really haven’t done anything for “me”, save some shopping (boots, sleeping bag). It’s been “work”. But I feel I’ve worked to earn my place here. Still, it sickens me just to think of going back to loud, selfish, dirty, nasty, ignorant, inconsiderate low-life trash; to a place where the snow will be grey-brown slush, the streets full of garbage, the banging on wall & ceiling & the yelling & hollering, the stench of imsence & reefer, the yellowed walls in a tiny room. It truly, literally makes me sick. – THIS is my first thought of this “new” year. – I know… I CAN change it. I CHOSE to go to Rockaway because that’s where I WANTED to go. Similarly, I CAN change my location, surroundings, &c. because I WANT to do so. And so… THAT is what I SHALL do… CHANGE IT… even by means of re-locating… with-in Rockaway or by returning to the mountains… or… by simply checking-out of it ALL. In any case, IT’S TIME TO MAKE IT THE WAY I LIKE IT. I didn’t expect to “be” at this point in time; since I “am”, I’ll make it the way “I” want! FTW. – First thoughts. How lovely…
10.12 Last night/this morning: Shortly after mid-night, M&E came to the living-room to join me. New Year’s hugs, kisses, best wishes. More Marx Bros. for a while. As I stirred the fire I told Ev: I bought 4 martini glasses because I intend to come back & use them here… & not “alone”. My way of saying: We WILL be back & I WILL be driving (that car had better hold on!). She said “I hope so.” – At the rate Moe is slowing, physically & mentally, I wonder about the future. – At 1.45 they retired. I came down-stairs, put the TV on to TRY watching “A Night At the Opera”… I just couldn’t. TV, off… Light, off… Me, off. The day was done. The year was done…
10.20 It’s rather alnice day out there. So quiet in the house, I could hear the train-whistle, off in the distance even in-side through closed windows. PEACE! – At 10, I heard the alarm up-stairs. Now, silence. How wonderful. – For no particular reason, I’ve put on the CBHarness, cod. What a shame: for no particularlreason. – I’m thinking of taking M&E for a ride to/through Nbg. To get them out of the house, do something, go some-where, give them my back-ground. I’ll suggest, see what comes of it. At least Moe CAN’T give “directions”; he won’t know where we’re going. I’ll check the distance & decide. – Ah… PEACE on the 1st day of the year… may it reign THROUGH THE ENTIRE YEAR! PEACE!
(PostTime: 2.24 2.Jan.2011) (1.Jan.Sat.) A day that turned to the unexpected: Yes, it began w/cleaning the fire-place, sweepimg the porch, stackimg un-used fire-wood. I offered to power-wash the deck, put on new sealer. Offered to come back for MLK wk-end. Then… offered to take a ride… to Newburgh. Figured they could see what/where I actually came from. – *As I got ready to go, a voice-mail: AZIZ! Wishing me s happy & blessed new year! My god! How it struck me, so deeply! How womderful. & he said he’s “worried” because he hasn’t seen me at storage. How amazing. A friend. No e-mail from Schmulik. But a call from Aziz! Life… – The trip to Nbg was very quick. It’s closer than I’d thought. TOO close for my comfort. We drove past CTN. Many cars there. Door open. Sparsly decorated. No “inflatables” in the yard. I wonder if the Macks have left. Not that I particularly care. But, as it was when I looked & found their trailer empty, it cements the fact that I am removed… single, solo, no family. It’s really quite done now. OK. Good. Fine. Better. – Carpenter to Gidney. The old house is crumbling. Fk them! Dubois to B’way, Grand to North to Water, to Wash.HQ, Liberty to the Heights. So.High is now “So. Middle School”. Up B’way to Wisner. 101 is sad. Kewley’ is HUGE! Round DuPont, down South, past NFA, Beth Jacob/Agudas Israel. Out 84 to So.Plank, past the Wooden Bridge, Stewart, Bruce, Hill. 1 looks sad but maintained. Union to Meadow Hill. 61 is very sad. It was getting dark (17h). Fletcher… We stopped at the AirPort Diner for a bite & loo. WELL! NIA RECOGNISED ME! Imagine! She tells: Pat Leach died, Chris got a 15000,00$ bill fm AlbanyMed fm Pat’s stay! But HARRY’S STILL IN THE PICTURE! I told Nia, Harry was the cause of trouble bet. Chris & I. (Time gives us opportunities.) She told me Chris was very fond of me. As we left, I bout 3 lotteries at the machine: 2×2$, 1×1$. I left the 2$ tkts for Chris. (The 1$ won me 4$… imagine how that worked out!) Nia told me to call Chris. I might have… no good signal here. Fate?Omen? – Gassed-up…

2.Jan:
1.31 2.Jan: Not tired much. Don’t want to think of returning to Rockaway! I admit to being quite depressed because of returning. I’m in no mood to live w/trash again. And no telling what’s moved in up-stairs while I’ve been away. In no mood to fight. No mood for old dog at Grotts’. Just no mood! Could use a drink. GreyGoose & Kessler’s in the suit case but… un-opened. Oh well. One more smoke in the dark & silence. The morning will bring the harshness… I should be rested for it. FK I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY-LIFE!
Back to CT. It was great getting back to CT! – Nbg. is building! The houses on B’way have been sand-blasted to bare brick. One might think they’re trying to recover. But it really is futile. M&E agree, it’s depressing there. – Back at Waubeka… All I’ve eaten all day was some chees/potato souffle, bowl of soup. I’m a bit hungry now. But the thought of leaving Sunday makes me ill. NYC is STILL digging-out of the snow! Idiots!. – So, I got to watch “Dancing.With Wolves” on ch.13. VERY SAD STORY. – Ev made a wash. I’ll toss one in in the morning… maybe. Black jeans… should not be dried im the drier & no time to hang them tomorrow.
1.49 How wonderful; it’s raining. And the sound of the train off in the distance breaks the night silence. – It’s time to WORK at GETTING OUT OF NYC! To where? I’m not sure. But BACK to “country” life is certain. – It’s chilly in here tonight. And I have to “pack” for quick drop at storage en route to Rockaway. So much to ponder… before sleep…
12.49 sick to my gut. Showered. Dressed. Packed. The sky is clearing. Snow is melting. They’re just eating. I’m sick to my stomach.
15.42 I got what I wanted: another nigjt in Waubeka. I’m packed, pillows & sleeping bag put away, making for not-so-comfy tonight. No fire-stuff, but the fire-place is clean. Towels & such hanging nicely. But we’re staying. Tomorrow’s going to be tough. (I’m SO tired… on the lounge down-stairs.) I said my stomach’s not “right”. Ev suggested staying the night. Suddenly Moe had stomach troubles. Right. HE decided it was good to stay.. Tired…
22.52 Just in fm the last smoke. Walked to the end of the drive, looked up into the night sky. Dark. Stars. There’s something both frightening & soothing about night in the country. In the darkness, we can’t see what might lurk, watching us, w/intent to kill, for food or self-protection. There’s really no explaining why some creatures wish to destroy even those of us who admire & even respect them. Yet, at the same moment, the darkness is so natural, the way Creation was intended) when pupils open wide, the eyes relax, the silence embraces & the night takes its intended order or rule & reign. It’s Peace. S Peace that follows the mayhem & chaos created during day-light by human-kind. All returns to order, the world, at night, becomes as it should be. – None of this is permitted in The City. There, it’s a constant battle against Nature & Natural order. – I am coming back… to this. I am. – Tonight I sleep IN the sleeping bag, which I’ll leave here. Tomorrow, I’ll .iss this. The light, pouring silently through the windows of the house, illuminating only photo-sized segments of the hemlocks, the Peace & Serenity… and this sleeping bag, bought at Dick’s, in Danbury, Connecticut. Tomorrow, we drive back to Hell.

3.Jan:
0.34 HERE WE GO! THE YEAR BEGINS! AWAKE! A WORK-DAY! A DRIVE TO THE CITY AHEAD! MOE GOT A COUPLE OF HOURS’ SLEEP TODAY SO IT WAS FINE TO GET UP AT 23.00, ROLL ABOUT THE KITCHEN, MOVE CHAIRS & WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE! AT MID-NIGHT I WENT UP. THERE HE SAT AT TABLE, READING THE PAPER. WHEN I ASKED WHEN HE’D BE GOING TO BED HE SAID “I HAD A NAP FOR A FEW HOURS TODAY…” I SAID “OK. I’LL GO SLEEP IN THE CAR. I CAN HEAR ALL THE MOVIMG ABOUT UP HERE.” “YOU CAN’T SLEEP IN THE CAR!” I JUST WENT TO THE CAR, JACKET, SLEEPING BAG. HE CAME OUT, CALLED ONCE, TUTNED ON THR BLOODY LIGHT OUTSIDE, WENT BACK IN. NOW THE HOUSE IS DARK, QUIET AND I’M PISSED! FUK! I BUST EVERYTHING TO BE CONSIDERATE! WTF? JUST WTF? BUT I WILL NOT JEAPARDISE MY COMING BACK HERE BECAUSE OF THIS! I HAPPEN TO LIKE THE PLACE. FUK HIM! (250$/11days! FUK ME! RIGHT? NOT!
20.07 Back in Bedlam. Let’s talk “a tough day”. After about 45mins in the car, it got VERY uncomfortable. I went back into the house, left the out-side lights on, tried sleeping on the lounge. TRIED. It took almost 2hrs. Figure I fell half-off by about 3.00. By 6.45 I was awake. Coffee, cig., shower. I waited… 7.45 or so, stirring up-stairs, radio on. I turned on the TV. I didn’t want to go up there. At about 8.14 Ev came down. “How are you?” “Tired.” “That wasn’t necessary.” “It’s done.” “Do you want coffee?” “No. Thank you.” (I didn’t. And the 2 jars of Medaglia d’Oro lasted right up to this morning.) She went back up. By about 8.50 I went up, took the garbage to the end of the drive. Moe had only JUST finished bkfst! We were LATE already. I said “No time fir deer-in-the-headlights here. I have to get home, change, get to work.” He chortled. “Not laughing…” I said. By 9.40 we were en route. I stopped at RiteAid. 5pks cigs. 35$. CHEAPER than 2pks in NYC. On to 84, 684, the Hutch. Rest stop. I bought a coffee. Back on the road. – 11.31 I’d brought everything up to the flat! I was on my way to Rock by noon. – Bedlam. Miss Copley was playing in the toilettes. The room was in perfect order. Smelled ok too. I un-packed, changed. & bolted for the car. To work. – Pat was thrilled to see me. She’d had 2 guys, Fri. & Mon. Wed. the 2nd arr’d 15.40!. Neither spoke much English. On Wed. she said she didn’t want the guy. On Fri. she declined svce. saying she’d wait for me to return. Well, OK then. She & Anthony dozed most of the day after Pat & I caught up. I almost fell asleep x3/4 my-self. – 17h. I got into the car, KeyFood, Waldbaums, HarborLiq. Back to Bedlam. – Egg sandwiches, V8 for dinner. Choc.pudding dessert. Humg scrubs. Did dishes. – I’m exhausted! – Nr.7 is lettlimg me know it’s here. Even now, 20.33 bangbang. Nr.5 will kick-in soon, no doubt. Stomping on the hall floor. Radio & heater on. I’m exhausted!
22.13 Poppers, clips, boots, stim. No hard-on. But another THICK one! And now? To bed… naked again. Mo jammies. 25* in here w/heater. Hebrew on the radio. That shit next-door (Copley) is starting. And tomorrow’s another bloody day. Much much to do. But now? I HOPE for SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT!

4.Jan:
8.51 So much for awake at 5. I could sleep this day right away. D. Preshun. No doubt. & last night’s little foray has left residual blah. There are things to be done w/this day however. – Ah, the sounds of Phil in the morning. & I’ve resolved to speak w/no-one in the house. – I must get to 59th to apply for 1-shot, look into other employment. Get out if here. The anticipation of wall-banging is destructive. & no hot water is aggravating. – P.O. & storage on the agenda today. I wonder if Penelope will be at Tilden. Things… AND A COMPUTER FOR THE NEW C.V. – I need to get my show on the road. 9.00
18.57 Accomplished. P.O. for PIC crap (incl. final pay-stub for 2010). Said “Happy New Year” to the PM. “Same to you.” she snapped. But I do believe she was in some kind of pain as I heard her moan before I went to the window. – OK… Storage. Returned luggage (& pump). Added 1 lg. storage bin (fm The Shelter), & off… Fm the parking lot, rang Helene w/court date & Aziz who was doing wash at The Shelter. – Travel: CrossBay to Belt to BQE to MsnhattanBr. WHAT A TRIP! So much construction & the road conditions are a disgrace! BUT I made it into The City and to Leatherman! Got the “jock” adjusted. Took all of 5mins. I gave the guy 5$ for the svce. I noticed the guys down-stairs are Spanish & Latino. Even the “tailor”. Nothing to go crazy over. Not bad. Not… THEN came the young Black fellow who struck a conversation. He asked where I go out. I told him I don’t since the demise of the Anvil, Spike, LURE, &c. He told me of how different even the Eagle islthese days and… respectfully… referred to me as part of “THE OLD-GUARD SIRS”! I’m now part of “The Old-Guard”. History. It’s both delightful & sad. There’s recognition of those of us who “were” before. Respect. But I’m now officially relegated to history. Oh well. I really should be… relegated. – Took CanalSt to ManhattanBr. to BQE to QnsBlvd. WoodhavenBlvd. Stopped at JamaicaAve for new 29$ MetroCard (fuk the MTA). Rang Ev about returning the car. It was 15.45. We agreed to 16.30. I headed up to a carwash on Woodhaven where, for only 9,79 the did the interior & tyres! – By 16.20 the car was in the lot. – We talked a bit. They’re STILL not un-packed! A card: 40$ for the NewYear. OK. They’re getting my svce for 10/hr. The wk. in CT was VERY MUCH LESS. And 40 seemed appropriate to them. Right. I’m appreciative, not thrilled. – Q53 back. Burger/blackeye peas. Time for dessert. – Copley’s at the wall & Orlando too tonight (19.20). I have some wash. If I can time it, MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! – Oh, the cod fits very well now!
22.11 Dinner/dishes done. Wash done & hanging. 2 pants remain. – A NOISY night tonight w/Nrs.5&7 going at it together. But I think of it as more material for court. I remain quiet about it. Perhaps I’ll enter a counter-suit. – I’ve put black plastic over the window so my light doesn’t shine on the wall out-side. It’s no longer visible that I’m awake. I wonder if this will affect the noise-making. I HATE “living” in darkness!!! Basements, back flats, now this. I NEED a job that will pay enough to get out of here, get away. I noticed, this morning, driving to B116, the area is loaded w/Spics&Niggers (calling them as they are). This house is Spic&WhiteTrash. TRULY… TIME TO GO! – Meanwhile, the “cod” is now a “jock”, fitting more closely & tightly. I’m glad I made that trip to get it adjusted. – I’m a bit tired. The anxiety of anticipated wall noises keeps .e from fully resting for sleep. & to think; it’s very much the same at the house in CT! I need my own place, top floor again. “Again”. It was that way before, it will be that way again. Or… Atropa. – Reminds: no word from Schmulik of late. Shall I worry? Or is this his Napoleanic retribution for my actions of the past? I wonder. – Tomorrow? SSLib at 10.30 or so. Work at 13.00. No car. New MetroCard. – SNOW in forecast the wk-end. NYC will close again. Idiots. Oh well. I suppose I’m just angry w/all things of late… caused by this house & because I’m still journalling (read: alive).
22.32 Forgot to add: It was 25* when I got in this evening. The radiator was HOT! The temp remained around 23,5 w/out the heater! AND the water was hot for dishes & laundry! Hmmm… I DO wonder. – (Copley’s tapping aboit over there.)

5.Jan:
7.48 Just woke! Nothing to “help” getting to sleep last night. Nick was in full glory this morning. Me, on the other hand… I am not. Feeling bedraggled. And today is “travel” at work. This morning is SSLib too. & the window is in plastic. But snow is coming!
DREAM: In a house, on a mountain, in the woods. A screen porch. Several people around. We were working on some project. 1 guy was supposed to be xfering music (for Penelope?) from tape to CD but wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Not paying attention. It began to snow. The others were upset. I was quite happy. – We were all on the banks of The Bx.Rvr./WoodenBr. by 3 Tunnels. 2 horse spirits in the water: a red-brown (male) & a blonde (female). The male was angry, would try nipping anybody who was in the water. A woman (Jeanine) was walking in the water, the male tried to bite her, take her under. She was annoyed & grabbed his tail as he dove past her. He left her alone.
Some items are from recent events: The house-Wbka; I’d spoken of my 78s to tape/CD; the waters-the trip to Nbg. I don’t know about the horses.
OK. 8.05. The morning is youngish. There’s time before lib. Nothing on the radio. Last night’s laundry still damp. Wednesday… 20 days to Court.
18.00 I pretty much stayed in bed until 10.45 then bolted to get out of Bedlam. SSLib; an hour of almost nothing. My passwords caught up w/me! jak.wp, jakdsgn.html, It took the hour to settle those 2! Got the CV printed, moved DA.Dec comments to page. On to work. Arr’d 12.45! Pick-up at 13.30. Pat rec’d med.news: “Enlarged heart”! She’s almost devastated. Agrees it’s “mind over matter”, wishes the Dr. hadn’t told her. Me too. But they cover their arses by telling. So she’s going for further tests on the 24th. Then she gets news fm. family in FL: somebody contracted something, took meds, woke paralysed & blind on her right side! Brain surgery! Family coming Fri. – At the clinic w/Anthony, I watched Cuomo give “State of the State”. He says he wants to bring jobs BACK to NYS, bring property taxes down (Wchstr #1, Nassau #2 highest in USA!), &c. FOS! That’s all. – Anthony really thinks of me as a friend who comes to visit. We get along good too. I’m glad. (Nut I MUST get BETTER work.) – When I left at 17h, Pat offered me food… pork. Danny reminded her that we don’t eat pork. She’s so kind, considerate. – As I went for the bus I realised: Winter is already losing; it wasn’t dark yet. The days are visibly getting longer already. How wonderful; the earth has revolved round the sun & begins yet another cycle… another “circle”… ALL goes “round”. Andrew Jackson Downing: no right angles in Nature. And the planes departed out over the Atlantic every 30secs. – At Bedlam, Copley was coming down the stairs. She said “Hello”. I just held the door. She insisted she was OK. I let it go. Orlando was busy w/something; chat in the hall, banging the door. I turned the key wrong way (I think). – 18.33 Dinner/dessert/dishes done. 2 pants in soaking. WOW! Talk on 88,7FM. 21,5* in here & HOT water. Something’s “up”. I’ll wash pants, call it a day. Tomorrow, storage, MMLib, QnsLib. SO much to do! And there’s still DSS for 1-Shot. SO VERY MUCH to be done.
19.28 Pants are on the rack, counter-top cleaned, heater on, 21,5* currently (heater for drying pants & white noise). At about 18.48 there was some noise over-head but it was brief. Some noise at the head of the bed befote that: Denise turning the heat off, no doubt. And I’m prepped: knock on the door, “tell it to the judge”. Oh & I noticed, harrassment fine? 1-5.000,00$! OK Lady D.! I’m going for it! – Meanwhile, here’s hoping for a quiet night. (Copley’ll be back at 22h no doibt… fk.)

6.Jan:
4.57 Having coffee, cig.
DREAM:
I was fighting the Union, 1199. Wanted a cig. Had to pee. A club. Everybody looked like men. They had mens’ voices. The toilettes were for women only. – The car, Moe’s, had broken-down (or not… ambiguity there). I’d parked it on the street, in the snow, on a street beside a freeway. When I returned for it, it was gone missing. The Union was supposed to have taken care of it. They’d lost it! – I had to go to this country club w/many others who had grievances against the Union. The others were given slips of paper according to their grievance. I was not. It was quite crowded. A young guy came to me & said “C’mon.” motioning for me to entre the club. I was offended. “You lose my car, bring me here & TELL me ‘C’mon’? Disrespect me on top of the insult?” He gave a disgusted look & walked away. I followed. – I wanted a cig. Smoking was prohibited. We were out-side. – I went into the club. 100s of people. The decor was bawdy, dimly lit. Beige fabric on ceilings & walls. Potted palm trees, dark wood beams/columns. Red/beige pattern on carpet. Tables, chairs. Smokey. A young man durected me down a hall. Others went according to directions on their paper. I didn’t have one. – I noticed men smikung… cigars, decided to bolt for the toilette for a smoke. As I did so, the ceiling in the main area was too low! I had to squat to get through! I knelt. At a table, a “man” smiled & said “Sorry.” I asked where to toilettes were. “Sorry.” he said. “Ladies inly?” I asked. “Ladies only.” he politely replied. He was smoking a cigar. I realised all the patrons were women who appeared to be men! I went along, on my knees. The place was circular. A golden cocker-spaniel. Friendly. I stopped to pet it & try to appear familiar w/the place. As people gathered, I left for another room. – The “toilettes”: more like a huge “kitchen” area. Sinks, full of water, just higher than waist-height. A few men peeing in them. I had to stand in tip-toe to reach over the sink edge & miss the water in it… to the rim…
(6.58) The water-level was such that it almost over-flowed. I peed. The water barely touched my trousers. I was angry: it was intentional so I’d have water on my trousers, appearing I’d peed in my pants! – This area was very large, open, high ceilings, large windows, bright. Unlike the club. I wondered why. I wondered about the patrons: looking like men, male voices, dressed in suits, smoking cigars, being dwarves, being women! – I still wanted a smoke! It seemed there was no-where to go for one! – Note: at the beginning of this dream, 2 dogs playing. A grey/white sheep dog & the spaniel. The spaniel grabbed the sheep dog by the hind leg & rolled it over a log. I marvelled at the spaniel’s ability to do so.
ASSOCIATIONS as I recount: From recent events,
.Moe’s car breaking-down – the concern I had, driving to/fm CT because of the alternator, vibrations, &c.
.The “club” – Ondine’s where I was unsure about my own attire, wishing I’d my suit. The low ceilings made me feel conspicuous/out-of-place.
.The stature of the club patrons – Moe & Ev.
.The car parked in snow – the recent snow in NYC.
.The car gone missing – my concern about parking on B113, wondering if I’d legitimately parked & would Sanitation tow for snow removal.
.The high-way – Belt/BQE en route to The City/Leatherman.
.The Union – Cuomo including 1199 in a new Committee on 10 business “Districts” in NYS to promote jobs (I disapprove because of my mistrust if the Union based on my personal past experiences w/1199 & CSEA).
.Wanting a cig. – Sign at Peninsula Clinic: no smoking w/in 15ft of all hosp. entrances.
Questions: The dogs? Why were the men actually women?/Lois & Diane? Why pee in sinks? Why were the sinks so high? Others didn’t have to stand tip-toe to reach.
Now (5.57): Why did I wake, after only about 5hrs of un-restful sleep?

8.53 Set the alarm for 7.15. Took a nap. Just up. Actually having bkfst! – Both pants are dry (laundry last night). I’m caught-up w/wash. – 9.04 Emerg.crap! Something I ate disagreed w/me. I’ll try a coffee & hope. There’s travel to be done today: MMLib, B&N(map), SSLib. Roind & round… that’s the way of the world. No?
16.21 Q53 39thAv/Roosevelt. – Bumped into Matt as I left the house. Helene’s looking fwd. to the 25th. – Jammies went into storage. The A went out of svce at RockBlvd. FKin MTA! Stopped at B&N. No maps of CT. “They’re out of print”!!! So, to “Idlewild Books” (19st 5/6av.). No maps. But books in French. Walked to 27/Mad for M1 bus to MMLib. Got an hour. Fixed the CV on WordPress. Cleaned the Bedlam blog. Then Flushing train (GCT-5thAv-Woodside). PACKED TRAIN! PACKED BUS! PACKED! Oh how I want OUT of NYC!!! – Rang Moe at about noon. to ask if they need shopping. Snow tonight thru Sat. morn. Rang again at about 15.00. NAPPING! They DO nothing & complain things don’t get done. (I’m still bent because of the 40$. “Nothing” would’ve been better. – The anus beside me, IdoPakiSomething is trying to take all space & flashing his news-paper! I’m in NO.O.O.O MOOD! – Yes. Time to leave NYC. I’m tired… of this shit & such. – 16.35 Justice/Bway. No SSLib tonight. Waldbaums: bread, dessert. – (I want a drink, some poppers, some stim & a GRAND NUT-BUST!) (Thank you.)
22.41 I can’t believe I’m still awake! Smoking too much too. But… I got my 30mins on-line at SSLib. Printed the court info for me & Helene; cleaned the MetroLogos out of photobucket. Rec’d a lecture-e-maillfrom Schmulik. Honestly, it sounds like he’s taking his woes & anger out on me. I “escaped”, “got away” (as he put it) so now I’m the Anger Dumpster. Or the Psychologist he won’t go to & could use. He got 2 curt replies. I probably won’t hear for a while. OK. That’s “closure”. – Got to Waldbaums. Bread, ketchup, fruit, pudding, veggies (I cooked them in eggs&cheese tonight, finished an entire tapioca pudding too!) Washed 2 t-shirts. All done. Twittered. Nbg Voy’ed. Had 2 light drinks. Am getting the temp up to 25 in here. And Kol haShalom is ROCKIN’ re-mixes (DANCE BABY!) of old tunes! I know the lyrics but the boogie-doen beats! O! For a full stereo (and a REAL flat)! But… nope. – I’m just damned fed up w/fighting for this shit-box in this cesspool city. Just fed-up. Nobody I really enjoy, intellectually, culturally, sexually or other-wise. It’s really not worth the effort. Next week: SIBL! JOB SEARCH & OUT TO THE COUNTRY! Better to get drunk, kinky & pervy in the woods, mangled by a bear or bitten by a rattler than this sea-side bull-shit. Amen. – I need to cum & go to sleep. Let’s try…

7.Jan:
7.02 It was dupposed to be a quickie. But 2 drinks & too many poppers-hits & I was still quite at it at 24.00. BUT… as the boots came out (insoles too), the drama: I need fresh 9v and I put them in STORAGE! Instead of quick’n’easy, I was cleaning-up & crawling under-cover at 0.13 and my nose felt the wear of the bottle for the 1st time in years. Alas, today, I must either run along to storage or buy. I prefer neither but must choose lest the wk-end go by as this late-night fiasco went. Not to mention, Nick, although quite tired him-self, wanted all the more as I tried to fall asleep & still, this morning (tho I’m a bit off the mark) expresses interest in some frolic. (What we need here is a mate for each of us… Indeed.) – The temp is 24,5. The fan is on medium. The window, open at top (I needed ventilation after all that last night). Comfy enough. Kol haShalom playing clearly & delightfully. Morons stirring in the hall & of course, in nr.7. No sign of all the threatened SNOWS! More idiots. And I shall trot to SSLib this morn to begin my court notes. Ah… let me vomit this malignancy from my gut & have done w/it! (7.15 Glug.glug.glug… the drain!)
17.56 The sun sets later these days. It was still quite light at 17h. – This morning brought, to my door, a post-card fm the courts. To the door. Imagine. To make certain I rec’d it. – As I showered, I thought: the sudden heat & hot water… my response to Housing Court mentions violations; it’s a quick cover-up. The others should THANK ME. NOT one of them will. Fukem. OK. It’s how my entire existence goes: make things better…get fked. – And so, to the Beach99 Store for soap, garlic, candle, sponges. Then to SSLib for an hour. Printed DO & JM notes fm the Bedlam Blog. Will edit/highlight o’er the wk-end for court. – Haven’t seen Barbara in the longest while. Not even at the library. I wonder how she’s doing. – Got 2 9v’s at Rogoff’s! (2$ cheaper there than CVS!) – Dropped the purchases at the room, went for the bus. – It snowed this morning… some this after-noon too. Certainly NOT the big stuff as predicted. Not even enough to look pretty. – Pat’s got her daughter & grand (or grand & great-grand, I’m never sure there) up fm FL. She’s very concerned about her heart condition. Hopefully her kids will be there to support her. She’s talking “Will”. Concerned about Anthony. So much on her mind now. – And now, 18.15, chicken, rice, V8/vodka. Dinner. – Cold out tonight. The freaks will be in… Hell will rule in Bedlam tonight!
20.02 A 45min nap, dishes & wash done. Day done. Week done. I need to get done. But… too TOO tired. Really. Even forcing it’s beyond the issue right now. (Not even wearing the jock by the moment.) And… it’s 25 in here… w/out the heater! Lorraine woke me just before 19.30. Odd: she stopped when I did the dishes. So I believe it’s because she didn’t see the light on the wall out-side (black plastic on my window) figured I wasn’t home, heard my water & thumping dishes & probably said “OH SHIT! HE’S THERE!” & stopped. Now to see what 22.00 brings us tonight. – I could nap again. Only, no alarm this time. See how long I sleep for. The night? Nothing on the agenda for morning or during the day. Snow in the forecast I believe. We shall see. – Off to see what’s on the Net for a while. (Radio’s gone hokey. Imagine, Israeli hokey.)
23.21 Instead of enjoying an evening of wild abandon & debauchery, booze, boots & trodes, I dove into a chilled tin of Doles Tropical Fruits followed by highlighting bits of DO/JM blog notes for court. This was followed by some Twit-searching, blog-browsing, more Twit & culminating in 3 servings of KeyFood’s rice crispies w/entirely too much sugar & half’n’half. Now? A smoke & lights will go out. Other than Miss Copley tapping on the walls intermittently, & the waft o’weed, it’s been almost civil this eve. AND, instead of the predicted 2-12cm of snow, we’re now perhaps, & only perhaps, facing a wopping ONE cm. AHlas. – So Fri. is canceled. Sat. is due. What shall we do w/a sober sailor? Send him off to the candle-lit night, no jock. Alarm set for 7.30 just to avoid missing the day (missing the day?). Oh, WTF?

8.Jan:
7.55 OK tell me; I had a small V8/vodka (candle glass, 1 shot) before dinner last night. No more. Chicken (boiled) & rice, fruit, choc. pudding, cereal before bed. WHY do I wake feeling like I’d been dragged down the freeway all night? No heavy drinking. No debauching. And yet, I want to go right back to sleep. If I didn’t have to pee, I probably would be sleeping now. You tell me.
18.37 I’ve been in all day again. W/the exception of an hour’s nap, on-line. Mostly Twitter. Had some fun with the word “wank”. Must record them some-where. I wrote them down. As I recorded on the phone, walking the Hero Rd.: When I’m dead, I’ll miss my wit. – Just finished a “tease” stim of 3hrs. I wanted to see if I’d “dribble” fm it. Nope. But imagine? 3hrs. Hmmm… – It was very quiet all day. Suddenly, at about 17.45 the retards began. Miss Copley was heard saying in the hall “Oh I KNOW! It’s all OVER now.” & Phil was heard to mumble. I wonder what is “all over now”. (I checked out-side the door for “notes/notices” of some kind. Nothing. – Realised something quite disturbing: Earlier, was Nick “in the mood”. All seemed to be going toward that direction until there was “stirring in the wall” fm nr.5. Nick went dead. Internally, I awaited the increased noise (as is the case presently). Even when the sounds are what could be considered “normal”, they throw my entire body systems off! THIS MUST STOP! (The wall is now rumbling, Miss Copley is banging about.) I DO NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE… SOON! – Well, I wasn’t hungry & didn’t want to cook. But if Copley’s going to play her bangbang shit, I’m going to cook, eat, drink, popper, stim (new 9v.yay) & generally make this night… MINE! – The heater’s cycled all day. It’s been 25 mostly. But now it’s 24 & somehow chilly. I put the plastic on the window… COLD! “Light snow” at JFK says NOAA. Tomorrow I’ll venture out. Not tonight. – (RUMBLING WALLS & FLOOR! The Psych Ward activity rises. The night is here.)

9.Jan:
5.42 Woke w/out alarms, probably when the light came on. – 2 drinks last night. Another hour of stim, pulled out all the boots & the cath. Poppers. “TRIED” to get “it” out of my system BUT… as I recall, put it all aside round about 23.00. NOTHING! NO GO. NO CUM. The drinks hit hard. Basin at bed-side. THAT’S what kind of night it was. NOT GOOD! – Dinner had been eggs/veg. But nothing during the day. Maybe that was part of the trouble. But over 4hrs. stimming to bring nothing? Very odd. Very odd, indeed. – This morning I’m “feeling the abuse”. Not terrible, but not great. – It’s -3 & windy out there this morning. I want to get to Michael’s for water-colour paper (or into Jams?) for “TkU” notes: M&E, Pat, Lois. And it’ll be interesting to see if I actually draw anything for them. These days are draining everything out of me… Everything. – Having coffee. Let’s see where the morning goes…
8.44 I went back to sleep st 7. Started a dream: Mom Hoovering, me trying to put some stuffies in order. I wasn’t wanted in the house. Was supposed to be leaving. Trying to delay for some reason. – Nick got his play. Not impressive results. – I’m still feeling “ick”. Must get out of this room today though. Just don’t want to “bump into” anybody here. – Oh, & at 6.15 this morning, Orlando woke, the sink gurggled & he scratched.
9.16 No bm yest. Tiny bm just now. & I’m actually feeling like total crap & terribly tired. Have to do the beard again too. No energy. No desire. Just feeling terribly lousy. Drained. The heater is running to maintain only about 23. -3 out, according to NOAA. This is not good. I can’t afford to feel so lousy. Must beat this. Things to get done…
18.28 It’s -1 out there. But I’ve been feeling it as if it’s -50. Fatigue? Depression? Sickness? Combination? What-ever it is, it’s uncomfortable… I’m cold! & I don’t like it. Carry-over fm the CTN.Nbg days. NOT GOOD! – But… I made it out the door by about 13.00. Shuttle,A,L to 3rdAv. JAMS! Saved a bit there. Got 6 hand-made-paper cards & a silver . metalic pen (Jeannine all over). & got the greatest plastic enveloppes for the cq.bk. & home-care calendar. Spent less on all than would have on paper & enveloppes. – L,A,Shuttle back. En route, I looked for my sharpener… found Ev’s quarters for psrkimg! Shit! But no sharpener. EVERY BLOODY THING IS IN STORAGE! – At BC, a woman fm RAA (I can’t recall her name; Christine maybe) was comimg home fm holidays. We chatted a bit (about Penelope, whom I haven’t seen in a while). Nice. I didn’t know she lives on BC. – Off the train, Rogoff’s for charcoal pencils, sharpener. FK ME! Duplicating things I already have… IN STORAGE! Spending money I don’t have! – Anyway… bolted back to Bedlam. REALLY feeling the cold. It was 20 in here when I arrived. It MUST be the court papers. Last yr. I almost froze half to death in here. – P.nut butter/cream-cheese on Shelter roll & cream of mushroom soup for dinner. Tin of apricots for dessert. Hopefully it’ll settle. (Haven’t done the dishes yet.) – Now, I’m so tired. I’m thinking I’ll sleep a while (in the unusual quiet here now). When I wake I’ll do dishes, get a card sketched. Maybe at mid-night. – Tired. Very tired.
23.58 (Sun.9.Jan.) Tooklmy nap at about 19.00. Woke about 21.00. All was silent… until about 22.00 when Miss Copley stirred. I was searching for images to sketch on TkU notes. Well, on that, I searched my art-blog & somehow got side-tracked to a “yasni” blog mentioning Crysula! On it, MY msg. of gratitude to her for taking me in on that fkd Sun. morning, on my art-blog! Next, searched Shawangunk images. In general, it was painful. I want to go back… to the quiet of mountain days; the peace, silence & solutiude of mountain nights. Today, from the Shuttle to BC, I looked out on the Atlantic & realised, even living here, I don’t get to SEE it often. In the mountains, it was there, always. Decision time is at hand. A PAYING job is in order… NOW! – Note: checked FS this morning. The post-date is now the 10th. WAS the 1st. Changed to the 9th. Now the 10th. I’ll check again on Monday. – Meanwhile, sketching on the agenda in the morn. Nothing more. – Oh, did I mention: I have Ev’s parking quarters. Sent an e-mail to Moe. I just don’t want to hear him repeating “Hello?” on the phone because he can’t hear (even Ev noticed that… the dear man… age is grabbing him… it bothers me terribly). – Now? Time for another nap. Missing the mountains. Apprehensive about job search (I NEED INCOME TO GET OUT OF THIS DISASTRE! It was good for what it was. I should have jumped out of here right away!)

10.Jan:
21.09 JUST EATING! Turkey cold-cuts/egg on roll x2. Heated the turkey though. Wasn’t hungry. Still sick because of this hole. Snd tonight because I saw Barbara in SSLib… SHE’S heard ALL about my business… One-sided, of course. But when I asked if I’m on her shit-list she said “Yes.” because SHE doesn’t “approve” of what I’m doing (rent strike) “but that doesn’t mean you’re not a friend..” (Meanwhile, 21.17 BANG: DOOR, WALL, FLOOR, Nr.7!) I told B. part of MY side. Showed her the binder. She read 2 “Denise notes” & said “I don’t find that offencive.” Then went into Helene: drug-trafficing, filth/garbage, roaches. Oh well. 1 less reason to stay: 1 more reason to go. – No FS today! Tomorrow I’ll go for Jigets & inquire. FKME! OK? OK. – 21.21 B.A.N.G.!!! ON THE Nr.7 WALL!!!)
21.42 Banging continues. Dishes are done. Tinned peaches for dessert. I’m thinking Shelter… If it wasn’t so late, I’d probably go. Meanwhile, the banging serves well for court. – Now, to try balancing TD which has MUCH MORE than it should. – I’d started a card for Pat this morning. I wonder if I’ll get it done tonight… Peace enough? Doubtful.
22.22 The cq.bk is current (not “balanced, but “current”). The light/radio just went off. The BedlamBlogs to Noah are highlighted & filed.Nr.7 has calmed. Nr.5 picks-up the slack. Heater on. And I’m wound. – The day:
Napped til 11.45. Jumped into the shower. Out the door & immed. on the 22 to work. Wow. Everybody went shopping. Danny mopped the floors. It was him, Anthony & I. – Out by just past 17.00. Almost immed. 22 to SSLib for Barbara & MCU statement for Jiggetts & Bedlam print. Tried logging into FS. Screwed that. Need to try again… eventually. – Out of SSLib w/little more to say to B. (The old coot in Nr.2 was at the next table, eaves-dropping on us.) – Q53 to TD. Dep. Almost immed. 54 to Wooshaven. Almost immed. 11 to Liberty. Almost immed. 53 to B116! Wow. – New MetroCard. 2pks cigs. DuaneReade. Quick, light Waldbaums. Bedlam. – Done. Wow. – Now, too tired to “Art”. Pre-occupied w/B59 tomorrow. Only 14 days til court. NOW I MUST GO FOR THE 1-SHOT! (I’m not expecting to get it of course. I’m expecting all sorts of stories, excuses. But I already know the REALITIES… Wrong race, colour, nat’l origin, language, accent, religion, name…) But, if that be the case, I’ll head to The Coalition & file complaints ALL the way to 1600 Penn.Av. WTF? Why not? I want another job. For that, I need housing. Then I need better housing, conducive to WORKING people. And, if all turns terrible…
ATROPA & MEDS. “Life’s really no longer worth the battle. Arguments? OK. But NOT a battle.
22.40 & Miss Copley’s still at her turn banging. Nr.7’s probably in a drunken stupour. The walls vibrate fm. Miss Copley’s antics. And I don’t have the plastic on the window… PROOF that they look for the light & make the noise when I’m in. – OK. Mindless surfing & then… to… nap. No need to be brilliant tomorrow.

23.35 562 Web Editor Jobs! I NEED to up-grade the wardrobe & get me to the libraries to post the CVs! Now THAT’S a “WOW!” Maybe a new “pic” for the on-line version too. OK. Now I’m feeling a touch more “inspired”. BATTLE ZONES!
Meanwhile; hungry, too lazy . thirsty, nothing fun to drink . horny, too too lazy . need to pee, yup, too lazy yet again.
But got another Follower on T. And biker likes “Israeli” accents. Interesting evening? OH OH OH! COMPLIMENT POSTED TO FreeVox.voy! OK THEN.

11.Jan:
8.32 NOT enough SLEEP! And, oddly(?), am finding it difficult to breathe this morning. My chest feels like a down pillow. And the agenda looks like: PO, SIBL at 15.00. HRA tomorrow morning at 8.30 (I’m not planning on the threatened “snows”), then to work. Meanwhile, these are the decisions. Right or wrong. – I was still awake, in the dark, in the bed, under the covers at 2.00 this morning. NOT enough sleep. EVER enough sleep. Where will I go if this fails? I recall Moe having asked: “No friends, no family, no-one to turn to, no-one to depend on?” when I told the story of The Shelter. No Moe… not a one. And today it’s just no different. Am I tempting Fate if I go back? Will I get the “sock-lock” the 2nd time? Just let Death come swiftly. – This day… begins.
18.09 Flushing train. RENEWED ENERGY & HOPE! SIBL (Jeff Fine & Librarian) SO INSTRUMENTAL! CAREER CHANGE IN THE MAKING!
18.18. Q53 Immed. connexion! – Took the plunge & went to SIBL for the 15.00 appt. Didn’t get to the PO though. Mayhaps on the morrow. Mayhaps not. SHOULD go for Jiggetts. But… JOB SEARCH! Q35 after a wait. (I was at B116 at 13.00). Nr.5 train immed. fm TheJct to 14St. Nr.6 immed. to 33. I was AT SIBL by 14.30! – Jeff was quite nice. Marcia (my appt.) was not there. Jeff seems new to this but we talked, he encouraged & took me to a Librarian who was supportive. They were both so ENCOURAGING! – I stayed on-line until about 17.45. RE-VAMPED THE ON-LINE CV AND SEARCHED… WEB JOBS ARE THERE! (But I NEED to get into CSS!!!) (Oh; and so I WILL!!!) I’m looking forward to going back on Thurs. for some “real, down-dirty WORK on this. MY DEAD-LINE FOR BEING “SETTLED”: JUNE! PERIOD! No more housing issues. No more flighty some-time work. No more shit salary! THE END. PERIOD! – So now, at B’way/CoronaAv., 18.30, it’s been a civil day. (No doubt the BedlammerSlammers will fk it up. But tonight? May they ALL ROT! Baby’s got a brand new attitude!) – Gotta pee too. Oh well. Just feeling “clear” by the moment (& journalling’s passing the time so nicely.)
20.17 A sandwich, chips w/ranch, peaches. Dinner’s done & dishes too. – Spoke w/Moe. They’re OK in case of snow. He got my e-mails today. He sounded quite happy to get them. – The BedlamerBammers are at a dull roarlby the moment. And chicken, for tomorrow night, is cooked. I might do the rice tonight as well. – Now to browse the SIBL info. I’m psyched.
22.36 There is some snow on my window. I stuck my head out to see: covering the ground, blowing in from the east. Heater cranking to maintain 24,5. The BedlammerSlammers have gone silent. I had a shot. And now I’m going to sleep(?). I hope the PO & SSLib are open tomorrow. (Fk)

12.Jan:
5.41 Snow on the winnder. Frost on the punkim. And I came out of sleep just before the light came on. OK. It’s Wednesday. Damn. My eyes want more sleep. First thought this morning: Why am I always MORE tired after a night’s sleep? – I’m going to work on Pat’s card…
17.50 Q53 HB en route to M&E. BLOODY BRISK & WNDY but MUST correct the CV-blog! Why? Simply because. – Before I left for work this morning, got a HFStim in. BUT as I taped the brown bottle closed… IT OPENED! Not bad. But did get some on me & had to spray to get the scent out of the room. JEEZ! – Got to SSLib. Began making the CV “up to par”. Ran out of time but got to Grott in plenty of time. The dog laid at my feet most of the time! The cat was a delight. And now, in the WIND, I’m on the road. – Determined to get better work, better pay, a place back in the sticks & a car… Oit of NYC. Can’t say I ain’t tryin’. I don’t WANT to go to “the folks’” for this but MMLib is out tonight. Besides… tomorrow is OneShot Day (if I have to BEAT somebody!). – OzonePk. 17.59.
22.32 Q21 Liberty. A rather longer evenimg than expected & tiring. But the CV’s good, the EBT on-line is good (though FS are not). I had a delightful & healthy dinner, helped Moe w/his e-mail acct. & PC speakers. So? So. – We got into politics: I mentioned how the Fed pumps billions into Haiti whilst Louisianna is still not recovered fm Katrina & Moe can’t see why I’m so enraged! Woy! (Ev, however, agrees w/me.) So I said “I hope you don’t think they won’t let you lose your house if you can no longer afford it.” He actually doesn’t believe the Fed will let him lose his home! Some people are amazing! Well, I schwitzed & he suggested we drop the issue. – Left at 22.14. The 21 & 53 got to Myrtle, same moment, just as I got there! Opted for 21 to be dropped at the door. (Thankfully I have this journal to pass the time.) – The winds have calmed but the night is clear & CRISP. And tomorrow will be an aggravating day… & I’ll be later than planned & tired WELFARE ATTITUDE! Haven’t had one in YEARS! So… – BroadChannel. 22.44
23.17 Walked in AT 23.00. It was 16*/60F in here. Heater’s on. Short drink (half’n’half v-ton) poured. In my home sweats. Hebrew on the radio again. DONE! But I need to do my nails. Morning for that.

13.Jan:
9.42 Finally wound-down at about 3.00. This was not enough sleep. My teeth are obviously falling out. My gums & mouth are swollen. My stomach is churning. By bowels are in knots. I distract my-self twitting about politics. I’m waiting for a bm. There’s so much I actually NEED to do today. I don’t know why I let opinion matter. In the end it won’t matter at all. Meanwhile I accomplish nothing & that increases anxiety. I’ll go to storage, get my pay-stubs, go to 59th & dance to the music. I’m perfectly eligible for FS yet I don’t get them; like-wise Medicaid which I don’t get. Interest accrues for the Fed. I’m SO far UNDER there’s more day-light in the bunkers. And yet? Here I am… journaling. Stamina? Insanity? Or just plain too-da 12.03 Q53 to storage. Out the door at 11.25 & on the 22. Absolutely nothing at the PO! Hmmm… 35 back to 116 w/the “DreamDriver”. He’s not so talkative any more & looking rather down. The World. Gets us these days. – The sky is clear. The wind is crisp & fresh. Timing seems good thus far. – KADIMA! –
14.57 (B59) Got here about 13.20. Forms &c. “They’ll call you.” OK. – Meanwhile, FKD by MetroPCS AGAIN! 20$ for more phone memory & the phone won’t format the card! FK! I’m pissed. – & tired. Want to nap. & hungry. Want a smoke. – The day was going just too good.
20.45 O! It was a glorious day! But that got fixed right proper. Ms. Wilson took my particulars (everything I’d written on the questionaire) verbally, & put them into the computer. SHE was a most wonderful delight. And as she began, the WelfareNiggerMoms required police intervention as the screamed at each-other. Ah, DSS. But Ms. Wilson & I continued. By about 16.19 (according to what I was later told) we were done. She sent me back to the 2nd fl. for 1 more interview. – BUT… BEFORE THIS GOES THROUGH? AN INTERVIEW IN BROOKLYN… ON 4 FEB! AT 11.00. FRIDAY! AND I’M EXPECTED TO REQUEST ANOTHER CALENDAR DATE FOR COURT! – NEXT? I WAIT UNTIL 18.20 ON THE 2nd FL. FIVE TIMES I’M ASKED MY NAME! FIVE TIMES NOTHING HAPPENS. THEN, AT 18.15 SOME WIMAN COMES TO TELL ME THAT SOME Ms. LONDON PUT INTO THE SYSTEM, A NOTATION: Called 3 times. No response. IMPOSSIBLE! I HAVE TO RETURN TOMORROW TO SEE HER! WELL, I LOST IT! Rather calmly I informed madame that I resent the implication that I’m irresponsible AND the inconvenience & that I’ll be reporting the lie to HRA. – Spoke w/Ms. Wilson before leaving the bldg. She confirmed it was impossible that I wasn’t there when called. – OK. OK. ADD TO THAT: I SPENT 20$ FOR A MEMORY CHIP FOT THIS BLOODY PHONE, HAD THE WOMAN AT MetroPCS INSTALL IT… IT WON’T FKING FORMAT! – The bus came to B59 promptly. I stopped at RiteAid. Cigs, candles, candy, juice. Walked to Bedlam. – The chicken/rice was bland. The short drink hit. I ate, put chicken on to cook for tomorrow & napped 20mins. So much for drunk & stim or… I’m exhausted! AND… 5&7 are in concert tonight. How nice. COURT! – Whilst I was at DSS, Moe rang. PC prob. A simple re-boot. I don’t mind helping. I do mind the “inquisition” AND the fact that he can’t hear ME, BUT he CAN hear every sound in the back-ground! Where am I? Why? How long? What’s the noise? REALLY! I gave no imfo. – Now, 21.08, I have to make-up for no sleep last night & BE ON THE RD. BY 8 TOMORROW! THEN work! – It was a glorious day. But that got fixed. (SHIT PHONE!)

14.Jan:
5.30 I actually woke before the alarms & the timer. I actually went to sleep (almost immed.) quite pissed. And Kol haShalom is playing delightful music this morning. Erev Shabbat. And Ms. London went home from work last night, feeling empowered by knocking an applicant off her roster by pulling a stunt she’s most likely pulled before. She’ll face me this morning, knowing what she did, & knowing that I know too. MetroPCS will ser me today as well. I posted a report of .y troubles w/this phone to Huawei before going to sleep last night. – The little candle burned through the night. The temperature is 27 (I wonder how that happened) this morning. I look like I had quite the night; hair gone every which way. There should be money in MCU today (but no guarantee of that, or anything, of course). – And so… ’tis Friday… another Friday.
9.00 *HRA/HDU* I arr’d at office 8.32. By 8.40 I was on the 2ndlfl. Only ONE person waiting. Recept. asked us to write name on “ticket”. She took them. And now… here I sit… 3 others now waiting and no sign of case”workers”. Thogh many people strolling about, sipping coffee & greeting each-other.
Brisk this morning. Timimg was “just off”. The bus left seconds before I got to the stop. But Willie was on the one I took. Hmmm… she’s so not talkative of late. Like Mr. DreamDriver. TA getting to them? – OK. At B59: First 30mins. pass & folks getting “chatty”. I want to NAP!
12.16 Bedlam. Got seen at DSS by a Nigerian woman. Oh ducky. AND… DSS “wants”: a LEASE(WTF), rent break-down(WTF), lettre fm M&E, total rent due fm court, AND they expect the court to adjourn AGAIN! FKS! EVERY last one of them! Simply FKS! – Well, the young lady at MetroPCS Ozone fixed the memory chip! YAY! I’ve already xfrd fotos w/MORE space to go! – Waldbaums for wk-end food & a small vodka. OK. – Saw Matt. HE OFFERED TO BUY GROCERIES! “I got my stamps. They’re on the card.” I don’t know if he wanted the cash but what an offer! Says Helene will meet me at the court-house on the 25th. I do hope so… even if it’s for adjournment. – Well. A morning of much… too much. Now to “work”. Then… COLLAPSE!
19.11 ONE v-V8-horseradish (Bloody Harry I call it) before dinner & I was nodding-off! But I’m having another drink & cranking the heat rigjt the fk up somebody’s bung-hole tonight. If I have the energy, stim. If not? Not. – My eyes don’t want to focus. Like a dry film over them. – El Spico just got in. Yelling. Thumping. When I came in fm work, Miss Copley had groceries on the hall floor, was fidgeting for her door-key. Not a word. – A.Grott went into St.John’s on Wed. night! Seizure. P. thinks stroke. He was physically OK today. Mentally, a bit off. But in that house, the other 2 yelling, D. hollering at the wife, it’s a wonder anything survives in there. Laddy stunk. The cat was SO appreciative of my tenderness. Poor little creature. I wish I could take him/her away. – El Spico’s snaking his drain. At 19.20. – The hester just stopped. 25*. OK. – Had to post a time sheet because no tasks for Wed. Posted fm RockBch PO. Tomorrow’s tap is 6.00. Let’s hope it gets to Bway by Monday! FK! – Still have to bal. cq.bk. but not tonight. – Xfrd more imgs to mem.chp. So many imgs & not a dent in the chip. More space! I’ll have to look for music. – OK. Finish drink. Surf the Net. See what happens on this night. (I’m thinking brown bottle… hmmm… )
23.02 Oh I cranked the heat. 25,5. But I’m clammy from the heat & no longer in my sweats. And Nick wants some “personal time”. The brown bottle (BB) is outI don’t know… – The bikeguy on Twtr replied 2nite! His blog avatar is remarkably HOT! Actually GOT to me. I’m in crush. He’s in another city. I wish I was in Shongum w/a real job. I’d send for him. (Time to GET THAT JOB!) – Anyway, it’s unusually calm in Bedlam & the 2 drinks are wearing off & the heater’s finally off & the fan feels good. – Im moments I’ll be off to seepiebye.
Add: I want boots. Not mine. Not the Shelter boots. Dilema. Oh well…

15.Jan:
11.11 Woke at 11.03. OK. No prob. Didn’t get to sleep until just past mid-night after BB&HJ w/very little results, I must say. And even before falling asleep, v composed a draft e-mail to Moe r/t HRA. – NOAA is forecasting “Wintery Mix” incl. freezing rain for Tuesday. Moe has an appt. on Tuesday! So do I… at SIBL! AND I NEED THE MONEY for court! WE WILL MAKE THAT APPT. ON TUESDAY! OH YES WE WILL! – For now? Coffee, wake up, decide what to do. Snow in the after-noon? We’ll see. We’ll see.
13.26 It began about an hour ago: They’re moving, banging, crashing, dropping, stomping up-stairs. Well, it’s after noon, not mid-night. But I fear this means rental & that’s not good. No chance that Spicbitch’ll rent to civility. WOW! The time to BOLT is NOW! I SERIOUSLY NEED MONEY to MOVE OUT! Must figure the “How”. – Was thinking Tilden today. Still thinking storage. Getting out of this room is necessary. The banging bit isn’t bothering… much, because of the hour. Still, I don’t understand: I can do so much moving, &c. so quietly, little conscious effort; they can’t? Lazy. And culturally inferior. Still in the early Evolutionary process. Jungle-sorts. Ah well. – I should get to bal. cq.bk. Maybe put some paper-work into storage. Make my-self sick wondering where needed money will come from. Ponder the possible out-comes of the next 2 weeks. Bleak. But it all needs to be done. – Odd; I’ve JUST become weary, drowsy. Avoidance like crazy. No “avoidance” time today. OK. UP! GO! MOVE! KADIMA!
16.45 Napped x1hr. Copley’s at the wall presently. The chaos up-stairs lasted only a bit more than 90mins. – Did the cq.bk. Bal’d MCU TO THE PENNY! BUT they’re charging 8,50/mo. for an empty Svgs. One day, soon, I’ll get back to that. *TD is OFF by 105, my favour. Jan’s rent is in there w/current MCU adds. We s/b fine on the 25th. – I finished the corn flakes when I woke fm nap. Not hungry. – Heater hadn’t been on in quite the while. It’s almost 28 in here w/out it! – Shabbat finishes 17.36. I haven’t left the room all day. And nothing on the agenda but cigs. for this eve. How lovely. But cigs are necessary tonight. – How terrible to not have the old bars & old gang to visit on Sat. nights. Twtr makes me more aware of that. I’m the “Old Guard Sirs” now.

16.Jan:
5.26 DREAM: I had to get to work! Mum (or a woman who owned the house… it was ambiguous through the dream) wanted me out of the house. We argued. I called her “bitch” & told her I was going to give her more trouble than she’d ever had before. It was raining out & I had to walk to work because my car wouldn’t run/was gone (ambiguity) & couldn’t find my jacket. I was pissed! I looked up-stairs & down. She found a jacket (mine/not mine) hanging on a door. It was wet. Somebody (a sibling?) had worn it. I was angry. I complained, took it anyway. Couldn’t find my umbrella. No time to look for it. I left. – Early morning/late night. It was dark out. Drizzling. – Walked down a long road (Hob St.). Empty. Open area. Came to a yard, Large. Split rail fence. 2 dogs playing, running to the fence. I was happy to see them. They came toward me, then away. I kept walking. Got to End St. (Stewart Hghts.) Had to clean my under-shorts (reason ambiguous… soiled? wet? dirty?). Got them off & washed them in a puddle in the road. Realised I couldn’t go to work with-out them but had to. Put them some-where on a treet-limb to dry but out in the open. Knew they couldn’t dry in the drizzle. – Was running very late. Wanted to ring Pat, tell her I’d be late. Couldn’t. No phone. Too early in the morning. I kept going. – Couldn’t remember how to get to her house! I was on Bruce St. (by Bowman’s). Should have been on the next street down (or up). Couldn’t remember her house nr. Suddenly remembered: Meadow Hill No.! I’d gone the wrong way! Walking. Had to walk to M.H.N. fm. Stwrt Hghts! Wanted to give up, quit the job. Couldn’t because I needed the work & Pat needed me there. It was almost dawn. I was exhausted! Wanted to give-up. Just couldn’t. Started the walk to M.H.N. but still couldn’t remember how to get to Pat’s though I’d been there before… Woke.
5.56 My back is bothering me. I’d takem 2 Midol before lights out at about 1.00. Justltook 2 more. – Difficult gwtting to sleep. The pillows have gone flat. Uncomfortably low. Need more/new. – Last night, showered at about 21h. Went to DR for cigs. Got ginger ale for a drink (v-ginger). It was SO warm out. Streets relatively empty, quiet. Chatted w/Evelyn at DR. – While in DR, Moe rang. I didn’t hear the phone. 21.45 he left msg. Got my e-mail. Of course they’ll give me the kettre to confirm employment. Please return his call. But he stammers & goes on about things! It bugs me! And calling so late! These people who have NO consideration for others. They do nothing all day & expect others to be awake at night. Inconsiderate… like Copley! – Came in w/cigs & soda. One drink. – Tried a b8. Boots & BB. Too limp. Much effort. Kept at it. Exhaustion. But finally. Unimpressive. Then tried for sleep. Too hot in here. 27 w/out heater. – Lay uncomfortable in the dark… Maybe until almost 2h or later. – So why am I awake now? – Bloated. Much gas. Back hurts. I’m going back to sleep. Temp down to 24.
9.46 Been awake fm since 9.15 and had a good dump-in-a-sac. Yes, in-a-sac. Had to. Couldn’t wait. Had to go. Wanted it out. So it’s out. And I had only pea soup for dinner last night. Feeling bloaty this morning. Back aches too. Too much bed-time yesterday. Well, not again today. – As I woke this morning, thought of ringing-up Mum! Got excited about it… then… BANGSLAM! Realised I can’t. It HURT! After so many years… it still happens. Thought of B.Taylor… it never gets better, just different. – Well, the dream; full of realities: I’ve been thinking I have Monday off, thought I’d soiled last night when I passed gas coming fm DR, the dogs might be Laddy & the cat, running late as I am for the PO, being wanted out of the house… My mind is reaching saturation of stress. – Now to get to the day… to the day.
14.42 53 back to The Rock. What a fk. I’d hoped to get the lettre fm Moe today. Went to storage, got rid of excess papers. Rang Moe fm there. Ev says she’ll make a list of payments Jan-Dec’10. I’ll do the avg. But being procrastinators as they are, she says they’ll get it notarised on Tues. TUES.! I’ll have to print it on Tues. & we’re driving into The City… “wintry mix” or not… I NEED THE MUNNAY… that morning. Well, I suggested she call me, give figs., I’ll calc & send complete lettre via e-mail. Hey! I can’t do better. – So now,to KeyFood. Coffee & what-ever. Then back to Bedlam. Too late for Tilden. – No PO tomorrow. Holiday. No pressure on the morning. (No consolation, that.) And tonight? Bedlam Hell. I’ll do the cards I’ve been avoiding. Oh well… – 14.53 So.Channel. The “journey” ends.
18.54 Ev just rang w/figure. 9k! This should push me over the “refund” this year. Not into the “poverty”, but we’re talking InternalRev. But it does ang. to enough perlwk. for 1shot. Covers expenses well. And I’m glad I’ve got the fig. Now I can use that for MY taxes this year too. And WTF? I’ll toss it in. – Mesnwhile, my back id still stiff. I’ve wasted the evening on-line & NOW Copley begins. AHlas. – Wash the dinner dishes Mr.! Yessir. OK. Yoobetcha.
22.14 At EXACTLY 22h the phone rings… MOE! I send e-mail. He PHONES! AGAIN I get the disrespectful ones! I TOLD them, NUMEROUS times: No calls after 21.30! NEED to pount-out the bloody REPLY on his e-mail! Oh well… TRY for an early morning tomorrow. I have art to be done! – Now for lights out & Copley’s bull-shit.

17.Jan:
5.46 PAIN! Just PAIN! Lower back. Balls & bowels. Incredible pain. Just incredible. – A bit of fatigue too. But I woke with the timer, before the alarms. Took Midol. Stress? Perhaps. Shouldn’t be. Though, as I finally drifted last night, the last recalled thought: Whom to leave a note with about storage in the event of my death & Why bother? There’s nothing in there that anybody would want. I suppose the only thing I’d actually want anybody to see/have/know is these Journals. How’s that for sad? – Meanwhile, I hope Moe isn’t offended by last night’s e-mail. But offence is sometimes the only way to get through to some people. – Blowing my nose hurts my back. & there’s blood when I blow my nose x2days. – I need a hair-cut. – This fking phone-pad was recalib’ed yesterday & is still fkingup on lettres. – Tomorrow’s weather is rather threatening: snow, ice, rain… I NEED THE BLOODY INCOME! – I need a bm now & don’t want to go to the loo… – MUST GET OUT OF HERE & INTO MY OWN PLACE!
6.15 BM note: Portions were BLACK… as if I’d eaten charcoal. Black. That can’t be good. But at least what’s in there is coming out. I often wonder what’s going on in my body. But I really don’t want to know. Knowing won’t do any good, I couldn’t/can’t afford to act upon it anyway.
8.42 Went for a nap at 7. Just woke again. Orlando is scratching on the wall! I can’t imagine WHAT requires SO much attention on a wall Him & Crack-head in 5! What’s w/them & the WALLS? Fukin’ psych cases. – Lying in bed, I was pain-free. Getting out was pain-full. Standing & sitting are uncomfortable. Not good. – Time to search for more sketch-refs. Move on w/the day w/time remaining.
18.27 Peruciel is bellowing. Whites are soakin. Dinner dishes too. I fried turkey, 2eggs, cheddar… on butter-milklbread w/ketchup. Back HURTS! Bowels feel blocked. I’m SO tired. – Got cigs, tooth-paste (RA), 2 white candles, samich bags (99on90th), MetroCard. Set. Am SO tired! Checked Twits (oh, why?). Copley’s back (I hear&feel her on the wall). She was leaving as I got off the bus. She was carrying her garbage (to the public bin, no doubt; I should report her). – I’m SO BLOODY FED-UP WITH THIS PLACE! Thurs. I’ll go to SIBL, look for that better job. I WILL GET IT, THEN GET OUT OF HERE. – Down The Blvd.: 3Br 2Bth 1595/mo. I USED to be able to swing that. I WILL AGAIN! Exist w/HUMAN-kind. – All day at work, P.,D.,R. slept. A. dozed. I sat, wanting to snooze. I think I shall now… as Copley thumps, Peruciel hammers, (my walls are vibrating from the hammering… nobody comes to check) & Kol haShalom boogies. – I better work tomorrow!

21.57 Just finished a 2+hr phone call w/Penelope! Just like the “old days”. I have to admit… It truly is nice. I’m very glad I called her. It’s a Friendship worth keeping, not destroying because of factors neither of us can control. She sincerely means well, will not let herself get hurt… Admirable. Rare. She’s not bitter about life. Just based in Reality. Can she be “faulted”? No. – I missed an opening on Sunday. And I cinsidered going to Tilden. Alas. – She’s sold 8 paintings in this, her 1st year of painting. How wonderful for her. She’s so full of Life… and I’m so fed-up w/it. Imagine. – She suggested I bring Ev & Moe out on Sunday. Tuesday is court for me. The distraction might be a good idea. I’ll suggest tomorrow. – Now? A quick browse through I-Net Hx & try for sleep. I’ll have a small drink to “aide”. Stormy weather on forecast. A drive into The City. Printing DSS lettre. &c.

18.Jan:
7.08 Woke w/the timer but… I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN THIS MORNING! EVEN MY HANDS ACHE FROM THE PAIN IN MY BACK! I CAN’T GET INTO A COMFORTABLE POSITION, even to cough to clear my chest. The weather reports say “freezing rain”. Wet AND cold. And I can’t afford NOT working today. Trapped & in PAIN! These are “incredible” days, the days of existence that make no sense at all. Today is not about stoicism or tenacity. It’s not about strength or courage. Today is about NEED. I NEED to be paid so I NEED to work. If not for that, I’d call & cancel. But now I MUST get my shower & get on a bus… in freezing rain. I MUST drive into The City, HOPE I won’t have to listen to the whining & trite crap, find parking. And now… I MUST stop using this fking phone because the typos are only pissing me the fk off & increasing my PAIN! OH BLOODYFKINGSHT THE PAIN!
21.11 Copley’s at it. Peruciel dumped shit-water & I didn’t have the stopper in the sink. The heater’s on. White noise. Dishes are done. I’m quite tired. – The day went rather OK. Got the bus to M&E. Streets not bad. Just aldrizzly day. knew it. IN PAIN, I drove into Moe’s appointment. (I need a moment’s shut-eye. Copley’ll make sure I don’t “sleep”.)

19.Jan:
5.52 SOME NAP! I went right out! – Still sore this morning.
Let’s finish yesterday: (Tues.18.Jan.) Streets weren’t bad. Just a lot of rain. I wore the Wolverines. A good choice because they’re flat & soft & water-proofed. But O! THE PAIN! Scrunched in the car. But I made it on time. Dropped M&E & headed to Hess for gas. I drove w/defroster, head-lights, wipers… no radio. Traffic wasn’t too bad. Filled the tank (Hi-test) for 30$ (reimbursed) & went to 3rd to park & sit x20mins. – This morning’s news reported that employers are looking to… Facebook for CV’s! SHIT! So… I opened a Facebook page. Trying to keep it as PRIVATE as possible but “functional”. It’s crap! I need to talk w/Lois on this. Even Moe suggested that. Ev suggested I talk w/Lois about her profession (we seem to know/do the same kind of thing). – JUST as the parking metre ran out, the “Maid” arr’d, the phone rang, M&E were done AND I got BLOCKED-IN by a delivery truck! 15mins! I rang 311 & as it was reported to the pct. the car in front of me left… FREE! I was 2,5 blocks fm. M&E. – We went back to the flat so I could print the DSS income lettre. SHOULD have done this morning but… BIG “cadusa” about finding a Notary… at the last min. of course. So back out to the car… NOW, THIS is where it all went INTERESTING AND FUNNY…!!!
*We’re driving slowly along Metro, looking for signs. Finally I found a realtor/Notary across fm. Norman’s. I pull the car to the curb, Moe says he can’t get out because of the snow-bank. I suggest he get a shovel (I’m in pain, in no mood for the uncontrollable obvious, NEED the bloody lettre!). Then I say I’ll go into the office to make certain the Notary is there… He is AND OFFERS TO COME TO THE CAR SO MOE DOESN’T HAVE TO GET OUT! – Back in the car, Moe needs to get his I.D. fm. his jeans pocket, asks me to reach to get it… I do, & in an attempt to add levity I comment:
*****
“I HOPE that’s your wallet.” to which MOE replies:
***”If it isn’t, I’m jumping into the back seat.”*** with his usual straight face.
*

*** It took a brief moment, but as I looked to Ev (in the back seat), she smiled & began to laugh. Moe’s STILL Moe! (I was SO happy to hear such humour coming from him! & that there was that “moment” in an other-wise drear.)
*****
The Notar arr’d, did the necessary, charged 3$ (Mum used to charge 25-50cents!). I gave him 5$ (reimbursed). We went back to the flat. – ONE page of 3 down for DSS. – I typed/printed the break-down of the 9k$, signed as a “receipt” for their taxes. We chatted a bit. They wanted me to leave because of weather… wet, poss. ice, &c. Ev had given me Advil for my back. It actually worked quite well! Must get more. – I invited them to a day out on Sun. They don’t seem to want to go because of the cold. Oh well… – Left about 18.30, pd. x7hrs, gas, Notary fee. OK. Rent for Jan./court. – Q11/21. Dropped at the door. – P’nut butter/cream cheese, mushroom soup dinner. I’d wanted a drink. Never had one. Obviously didn’t need one. – The rest? Already noted.
6.39 This morning’s buzzing right along here. I want to get to the PO, SSLib & RiteAid (Advil) before work. Don’t HAVE to leave before 9. It’s still raining. 2* this mirning. But cold is expected to return, snow too. – Tomorrow will be JOB SEARCH DAY AT SIBL! Re-reg w/Search Sites. MUST MUST MUST GET NEW JOB! If I could afford a new lao-top… OH, M&E offered to pay the fee if I’d be interested in taking an Art Class w/Moe. (I know… I’d have to drive him, so I’d have to be there…) I’d rather have the lap-top (but that’ll never happen). – Meanwhile, I’ve had coffee, vit.C, Midol. Back hurts but not like yesterday. Phil’s in the loo. Orlando’s been “stirring” (he & Copley: rats in the walls). I’ve got some “things” that should be done (bal.cq.bk., finger nails… stuff). And this phone-entry shit is bugging me… Time to get moving, animated.
12.21 SSLib. THIS has been SOME morning! Added pages to the Bedlam blog. Cleaned this one up. There were things I wanted to accomplish this morning but I’ll be damned if I can recall any of them. – Still have to get the Advil. Back’s a bit better but not quite right. – Got a call from Helene this morning. She sounds SO enthused about going to court. (She’d better show up! I’m depending on that a bit… especially since there’s a Harassment Suit in it and some money to come from it. Part of MY ticket the hell out of here!) – And now it’s time to get moving… things to do, places to go, people to see. I’d really rather just leave, go some-where, and nap the rest of Eternity away… BUT…
19.11 Sweet relief! I created another break-down page for January, put the previous on the MonthPage. But I was afraid I hadn’t PW protected. I just see that I did. I was going to head to MMLib to correct but am REALLY TOO tired. OK! – For right by the moment, dinner was 2 fried turkey cold-cut samiches. 2 bowls cold cereal. Dishes are done. And I’m falling asleep even as I journal. Debating whether to have a drink. Want to try Advil before sleep. I want to get to SIBL tomorrow… for a few hours. JOB! INCOME! OUT TO THE MOUNTAINS! SOLITUDE! PEACE (before I leave this Hell). – Tonight I thought: I used to have certain “gifts”, the Bell, Book & Candle. I’ve left them in recent years. I shouldn’t. I need to return to using them. They’re quite sacred. I hope they’re not relinquished. The “feeling” is still here. – Meanwhile, here’s hoping for a night’s sleep followed by an energy-filled day.
21.24 Small drink. Surfed. Tired. Will now get under the covers, let the timer run. HOPE for SLEEP. Tomorrow will NOT go by wasted.

20.Jan:
5.45 I woke, before lights, alarms, from a DREAM: I was in Phoenix, AZ. I don’t know why. It wasn’t important, even in the dream. But I was in a very good mood. Enjoying being there. Fascinated by it. I wanted to learn more about it so I bought a map… but not OF Phoenix, rather, of the area West. I wanted to know the surrounding area. – I was on a bus. Comfortable. Looking at the map. A well-dressed, very pleasant woman sat beside me in the aisle seat. A bit heavy, though not “fat”, dressed casually, cool fabric, pastel green & blue, she was blonde, smart, short hair. I hadn’t noticed her until she asked “Are you in school?” She thought I was studying the map for a project. Thought I was “local”. I explained I’d never been to Phoenix & was fascinated, wanted to learn the area, didn’t know what lies to the West. – On the map, Phoenix had a shore, on a large body of water. On the map, the water wasn’t identified. I wanted to know what it was. I thought it might be the Atlantic. And there was no identification of the area to the West… just a lot of open, unidentified area, few roads. I kept looking at the map, enjoying the bus ride, heading West, enjoying the company of this woman. It was a clear, bright, sunny day, cimfirtable, pkeasant… I woke out if this dream, calm, waiting for the light/alarms.
Somebody was awake this morning. I think it was Phil. – My back’s still a little tight. – I’m having coffee. Stomach’s gurggling a bit. I could use a hair-cut, beard trim, need to do my nails. – Weather forecast is for snow tonight through tomorrow. 8-12cm snow. – I’ve an agenda for today, things to be done… ESPECIALLY JOB HUNTING! – I wonder about the dream… Moving? At least it was a pleasant dream.
11.12 35/KingsPlz. LATE! But not lost. & this phone’s pissing me off. But DreamDriver’s at the wheel. What a shame. He’s not in good spirits any more. Then again, neither am I. Time… kills us all I suppose. – I thought: How much nicer it’d be to have the car today. Then I remembered PARKING in that City! NOPE! This is MUCH better indeed. – I MUST remember to keep my list of things to be accomplished today. SO much rides on these 2 days… Time… again. – My guts are still “off”. Took 2 Advil at 10. I hope they last through the day.
17.39 53@64/Roosevelt! YAY! It went like this: Left later than planned. 35 to TheJct. Nr2. Nevins Nr4 to CtyHall Nr6 to 33. SIBL by about 12.30. Got? 3 CV’s submitted, reg. on Monster. Stuff… Left about 16h… Staples 34th. Copies made. TD on Park. Dep. made, asked for NO STATEMENT AGAIN because I got one again this mo. Walked to GCT. Rang Moe. Ev not well. Cough, ache, fever (“101” says Moe. I hope not!). At GCT, Nr7 to TS to Nr7xprs to 61. The bus was ready to roll & I’m in a single seat! WELL AWLRITE! – TD’s 377. It’s going to be VERY close for Tues. 400 AND STORAGE AND PHONE! But… I’ll hope. – Now… food. Chicken, turkey, 2eggs, bread, cereal. Hmmm… Shop tonight? Or tomorrow? Much to do in coming days. But much done today. Not “enough”, but “much”. – Tonight I want a drink!

21.Jan:
7.40 Where did the morning go? Woke w/the timer. Waited for TarzanBoy. (Last night, found some clips fm the 80’s. Good memories & open wounds… My life is shit these days. NEVER AGAIN!) – Put humour on the Voy & Twit. Got 2 DMs on T! 1 fm CT, 1 fm NYC! OK. Now what? – Snowing. Not as forecast. Just enough to make slush. Well, not for much longer… Mountain mornings (or Atropa) coming soon. – Oh, saw Matt last night as I came in. He & Helene seem so happy to get their day in court. I some-how doubt they’ll show. But thinking they will keeps stress down. – Before sleep, I hit the boots & BB. Results? The afore-mentioned stress is taking a toll. – Meanwhile, there are things to be accomplished this morning. PIC had better paid me for the full 12hrs! And I better find that pay-stub that didn’t come this week! Yes, I need to get back to 9-5, M-F, income. THIS is MISERY! – Since MCU won’t post til 9, SSLib opens at 10, a nap. I need cigs., car-fare, xfr of funds. The good news? Storage & phone s/b fine this mo. BUT NOT MUCH MORE THAN THAT! Rock bottom… AGAIN! DAMNIT!
19.49 This morning I laughed… LAUGHED!… thanks to Twitter. LAUGHED! – THEN I rang for today’s PIC deposit. EIGHT HOURS NOT 12! FKD! The BeanCounter started… I was shoved into a VERY miserable mood. Showered…angrily. – OUT! – Stopped at SSLib. Printed the bullet-list & some “notices” for court on Tues. Then, off to the P.O.: a bloody uniform voucher was ALL! FKD! No pay-stub that was due LAST Friday! SHIT! I’m SO FINISHED w/this! – But Tilden, the trees, Neponsit… JUST MAGNIFICENT! SNOW on trees, lawns, all over. Skies of beautiful blue! Comfortably cool breezes. JUST MAGNIFICENT! – Went back to SSLib to plug into LinkedIn for work. I don’t much like the presences. Some shtfk’ll find something & I’ll have to deal w/it. And in my current state of mind, it will NOT be favourable. But I CAN’T do this much longer. & I WON’T! – So, the solution to the banquing? USPS MO @85 fm MC t/b dep. to TD. Cigs.x2 fm TD. MO for the 25th. Leaves me w/not enough for CarFare! Never mind cigs! Hopefully the PIC & Grnbrg cqs. will cover storage and phone on Friday week! FKFKFKFKFK! – That said… Strolled down to RiteAid for cigs.x2. Chatted w/Chung. Always up-lifting. Caught a 53 at 12.46 to B94. Strolled to the 93P.O. for the M.O. Nasty Asian woman there. Had up-lifting chat w/a lovely Black woman customer about P.O. svce. & then walked over to Grott. – Wasn’t in the door 10mins… PIC! DRUG SCREEN MONDAY MORNING 8.30! Well, OK. Why NOT THIS WEEK? Good it’s not Tues. Right? – The time was stressful. The tuny house is PACKED w/family! Babies. Yelling. Coming & going. & the daughter Nancy giving me the 3rd degree. THEN Pat talks about poss. SEVEN DAYS of coverage! Maybe 12hrs/day! NOT NOW! I have to job hunt, house hunt. Oh doesn’t it figure? Well, we’ll see what comes of it. I MIGHT take 8hrs/5days. But… – Time to leave: Santrax screws me! I have to clock-out on my CELL! THIS BETTER NOT FK ME IUT IF PAY AGAIN! – But I got a 22 immed. & came straight in. It’s gone quite COLD tonight.
20.31 Dishes done. Dinner was chicjen/black beans, cereal dessert. – Only enough vodka for 2 light drinks. – Peruciel was banging about at 18.30. Copley kicked-in at about 19.00 & is STILL at the thumping. Me? I did my best to bang about washing dishes at 20.00. FUKEM. I can’t wait until Tues. ALL will be brought into the courts. – Tonight’s forecast is for -10! Tomorrow isn’t supposed to get much higher. I believe I’ll be running to get the deo. to TD made tomorrow. NEED to get M.O. AND a copy of it on MONDAY! (Glug goes the sink at 20.37.) SO MUCH LAST MINUTE SHIT! – The air smells of reefer now. MORE for court. This place is in for a shake-down. – There was a posting in the P.O.: studio, BH, 800. SHIT! I can’t afford it right now! Figures. – The wall at the head of the bed is vibrating. Perucuel’s dropping shit. Copley’s thumping. I’m sneezing fm the reefer. Heater’s going. I’m just fed-right-the-fk-up!

22.Jan:
11.08 I’m a bitter attitude delightfully wrapped in a gay sense of humour. Or is it the other way round?
17.35 I have wasted yet another ENTIRE day, in this box, on-line, twitting & searching for Blue Savannah & other Erasure hits. Although, I did cut hair, dye chest &… OK. Those were accomplishments. Also learnt that the banging & yelling in the house makes me physically ill. It’s wirked into that & so I MUST LEAVE here because I’ve no cause to think it’ll change. – The place is filthy. I don’t much care. – I need to shower & put the M.O. into TD. I do want to get out but lack ambition. – Peanutbutter, cream cheese, jam sandwich all day. An entire pack of cigs! No vodka left. No money to spare. No “real” food in the box. Circumstances are not even “OK” right now. I’ve been here before but I don’t much like it. So… Oh, last night’s stim was an effort & produced VERY little. My physical is deteriorating because of the stress: hsng/FS. Too much on such a little plate. But y’know? Check-out can happen at will. I believe I stay out of curiosity & to enjoy annoying people. – Posted a 6-part to LMJ last night! – Haven’t a word fm Schmulik since the week. He said he’d be sending more. I’m certainly not waiting. – I’ll have a (3rd) coffee & move alimg. It’s actually early enough… just dark & cold out. Winter… & I miss another by being in this box. But 88,7’s OK for now.
21.27 OhKay! The 85’s in TD. -7 and really not bad. Stopped at Waldbaums. Juice, chicken, bread, ice cream, half’half, chips. I wanted sugar until I got in there. Then I wanted salt. Got both. (What I TRULY WANT is a fkin DRINK! So I took half.Xanax. I hope it’s gone by Monday’s drug screen. If not… so WTF? Indeed. – As I walked MetroAv Ev rang. I took the msg on the bus back. As I’d planned, they won’t be going to Tilden tomorrow. Oh well. – So now… 21.40… Pruciel starts. Soon Cooley will kick in. And Tues. I’ll get it off my chest & out of my gut. For now? Finish ice cream, browse, sleep.

23.Jan:
6.10 Jungle life, I’m far away from no-where. On my own, like Tarzan Boy. – My eyes want more sleep, though the Xanax put me out as my head hit the pillow last night. – My back wants physical therapy (or a surgeon). – My bowels want a hi-colonic. – My general attitude wants nuclear war-fare. – And Nick wants a week of debauchery. – The MMLib opens at 10. I shall be there. Then Tilden. & I have to figure-in 2pks cigs somehow… quickly. – Another day.

19.44 Before my attitude goes any farther down the shithole, as Nr7 bangs & 5 thumps…
WOW WHAT A DAY! I didn’t want to get out of bed, to begin with. Cigs low, no money, worry about car-fare the week, no vodka… this bloody place. The works. So I decided to get rolling at about 9.00. – Showered, out the door. Went to MMLib, via Q53-Flushing train. Got iff at 5thAv. Convenient! There, I changed my Twit-name to ThumperNYC. Also RE-registred on Jobfox AND got a really charming hello fm an agency looking for QA! Of course, sending my CV’s goinglto be tough this week, w/all the bull-shit I have to go through AND no fking PC! But… we’ll get past this… some-how. I’m probably not qualified anyway. – SO. MEANWHILE I’m twitting instructions to some young guy in Calif in how to remove his Foley! HOURS! Started in the house, continued on the bus AND the train! By the time I got out of the library, it was done. Somebody’d been watching the posts & said “that conversation was making me nervous”! Imagine? The personal stuff being watched from coast-to-coast and beyond! Good thing I don’t particularly care. Still… med.advice via Inet! Technology! Tele-HomeCare! I’m not young enough! Or, maybe I am. – 20.00 I want to ring Penelope.

20.11 Line’s occupied at Penelope’s. OK. Back to this: So after the lib. I rang Moe&Ev. I told Moe I was standing on the street in the cold… “Ev wants to talk…” TOTAL BLOODY DISREGARD! Well, it’ll change when my emoloyment (& hsng) changes. For now, I need the income… the LITTLE BIT it brings. – Let me not start here. – Off to Tilden via TheJct where the bus MET the train! Hazzah! By about 14.20 I was in T6 making coffee, chatting w/Penel, looking at the exhibit. Her work is lovely. There was a photo of Lake Minnewaska! I spoke with the photographer… one of those “mt. bike” folk. But how great to talk about those mountains. I miss them terribly. Eso. these days… these crisp Winter days. Anyway… a nice after-noon. Penelope says I’m looking VERY well (beard dyed). She should only know. And so she brought me to the bus, timing it so there’d be a bus & I wouldn’t wait in the cold. – I stopped at RiteAid fir A pack cigs. then strolled to Bedlam. – Into the pot: water, garlic, white pepper, basil, pinch salt. 5 chicken thighs boiled. Made gravy! Ate 2. Ever so good! W/bread. Ice cream for dessert. – Now? I’m getting tired. The forecast is for FIVE DEGREES F. tonight! Dishes done. Pot needs to soak. I WANT A BLOODYFKUNG DRINK! Drug screen at 8.30. Can’t afford a bloodyfkung drink. AND FKINGBLOODY Lorraine’s at it. May I remember this on Tue. – Each time the heater stops (at 23deg) it gets cold in here. – A bit more browsing & TRY TRY for SOME rest. Busy WEEK coming at me.

24.Jan:
5.06 *TEMPERATURE -13 WIND CHILL -22*
AND I WOKE WITHOUT THE ALARMS BECAUSE I FORGOT TO TURN THE RINGER BACK ON LAST NIGHT!
I’d set THREE alarms for this morning, 2 LOUD, 1 regular. Had the ringer OFF as I set them. BUT FORGOT to put it back ON! – Before they sounded, before the light came on, I woke, checked the time. 4.57! WOW! Can you imagine? MUST be certain NOT to do THAT tonight! – And the temperatures aren’t supposed to get much higher through the day today. Snow tomorrow. An interesting week coming…
Well Mr. K., you survived “Intake” at The Shelter. THIS TOO shall pass.
Yesterday, Penelope said that, what pulled her out of her depression, after the death of her family, was the thought: If I die, I kill THEM again. They’re all, really gone. I CAN’T let that haopen.
I’ve always thought: As long as I live, so too does my Mum. I live to let others know what a MAGNIFICENT person she was. ‘If I’ve done good, don’t thank me, thank my Mother.’ The other 3 disparage her which is cruel & un-true. I live to place her, & keep her proper name & place in history. As others hear, they learn & know if the Great Woman she was… THAT IS WHY I’M STILL GOING. THIS is how SHE’D deal with things… Correctly, legally, justly, with Strength & Courage.
I’m also here to tell the Truth about my father. I couldn’t when I was younger. And like the Nazis, his truth will be told… as I live.
5.28 My stomach is quite a mess. Ice cream, sugar. Improper diet. Stress. Anxiety. – I expect it to be a VERY difficult night tonight. I expect great deals of noise to keep me awake. I expect… Last night was quite a miracle, as was this morning. One more of these… one more…
8.25 Q53 BC. Not oo bad. Not TOO cold. Not too late. – Mention: Yesterday, when I told Penel about the Xmas “gifts” (all 2 of ’em), she compared Pat’s to M&E. She was enraged (as I was) over how damned stingy M&E Can be. She agrees w/me. – OK. WHY am I now finding it lalmost impossible to stay awake? REALLY!
10.59 HoBe DRAFTY OLD BUS! FkinCold day. Clear. Sunny. – I’m hungry, thirsty & had only enough UR to JUST make the line. Hmm… I’m tired. Need to get to PO95 for mail AND PO94 for M.O. Then to work. Then to lib (I think). NEED to figure car-fare & cigs.! – Thought: I got 2 pairs of boots, jeans &c. this season. NOW I’M REALLY PAYING! -BC 11.04
18.27 SSLib I have no idea why I’m even bothering to Journal this at this moment. I really just needed to get in here and copy the M.O. But got the “Sewage List” printed for tomorrow. Every little bit helps. – It was a HECTIC day!!! Left a bit later than planned. The busses took until almost 9.45 to get me to the cllinic. They didn’t rush, of course. But I did get it all done. – As I waited for the Q60 return, it got too cold to stand there so I decided to walk… Silly! It was COLD on QnsBlvd! HOWever… JUST as I decided to walk, the damned bus passed me. So I dropped into the subway. Freezing down there but the wait wasn’t all too long. Neither was the wait for the 53 back to TheRock. – Stopped at the B116 Stn. Got the MetroCard for the coming few days with all the transactions on the TD card and cash. Ended-up with 25,53$ Morons! But it’s better than not enough. – Transferred immediately to the 35 to Tilden. A familiar driver (don’t know his name… from the 41 I recall). So that was good. – At the P.O. NOTHING!!! AGAIN!!! Not even pay advices! I NEED THEM DAMNIT! – So on to the 22 back… to Bedlam because I had the time. Rang PIC/HR. They say they’ll post my advices. They “say” that. I’ll see. – Quick coffee and OUT AGAIN! – 22 to the 93P.O. for the 400$ M.O.!!! GOT IT! – Then on to work where Pat’s been told she needs to take it easy. Right. In that house-hold. It she’d keep the loud-mouth out it wouldn’t be too bad. Anyway, came to settle with the family. They like me. AND I GOT THE COC TO ORDER SHOWER CHAIR, PAPMPERS AND A HAND-HELD SHOWER! YAY! – The day went. – I WALKED ALL THE WAY FM. 88-116! CHILLY AND BRISK BUT I DID IT. Copied the M.O. *SENT A CV TO AN AGENCY via e-mail (HOPEHOPEHOPE). – Barbara O’s. here. I’m not speaking… don’t want to be bothered. – And now? I NEED A DRINK BUT… NOTHING UNTIL THURSDAY! Probably better that way. – Back to Bedlam. I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be HELL tonight with Nrs.5&7. If so? Damnation tomorrow! – Tomorrow by the way: forecast? SNOW AND ICE! (I can hope for another adjournment?)
21.17 Copley’s at the wall… – Tomorrow’s forecast? Decreasing clouds, relatively mild. Dress accordingly. Maybe all black. Yes. I do believe so. Statements. – OH. Wiped-out my entire browser Hx again! Oh well. Re-load I suppose. – Twitted the evening away. Just took half Xanax. Am nauseous because of anticipatory anxiety. Not because of tomorrow any longer… TONIGHT… NOISE… BANGING &c. Well, I’ll just bring it into court. More harassment! – Brought out the BB. Maybe before sleep? Might help. – Got cigs for tomorrow. Now what about Wednesday? Times are tough. So much for the “werry lucky man” bull. – Now to set MANY alarms for morning… & TURN UP THE VOLUMES.

25.Jan:
5.14 Half-slept for quite a while last night. Waiting for the party to begin. It didn’t. Woke with the 1st alarm. It’s because I know: “When it comes to court; He w/the best bull-shit wins.” Thank you, Mack. – The forecast has gone back to “snow”. Says “light snow” at JFK. And tomorrow, snow, rain, sleet. Rainy weather has historically been good to me. – I expect NoShows w/Helene & Matt today. So I’m preparing to do the “solo”. Well, it’s not like I’ve never gone that route before. – And let’s face it: I go w/Truth… & Truth doesn’t usually prevail these days. – The bit about this being “commercial” makes it “interesting” as well. Will it be traversed? We’ll find out today. Will the traverse push it to another date? We’ll find out today. – But I hit the BB last night. Results were slight but relaxing. – The twits before the BB were fun. Mostly on “sounding”. Oh, if I’d been this forward back when it would have been worth it. I’d be dead by now… & this morning wouldn’t be happening. – The candle still glows… through the water. – And I’m on a “PayPerRide” card today. – Ah… today.
8.08 Q53 The world is very beautiful. It’s people that make it bad.
10.59 Q53 Atlantic. DISMISSED! No-Show, Petitioner. BUT HELENE & MATT SHOWED! AND*IT’S*SNOWING*! I got a feeling that today’s gonna be a good good day! – My MAMALE Loves her baby boy!
13.07 Q22 to DSS. As I’m waiting for the bus,la damned pigeon SHAT on my kippa! FUK! But better that than on my head? Omen? – & later, going to get Ev to do groceries. INCOME! – Napped x20mins. Not enough. – This case-worker better not give me shit now too. One pigeon is more than enough.
23.22 Finally back at an unusually quiet Bedlam. – M.(case-worker) saw me, took the photocopies of M&E lettre & M.O. Says she’ll work w/what I gave her because of today’s court results (verified on-line tonight: dismissed. Print-out tomorrow). – I went to Arverne P.O. for a new M.O. to deo. BACK into TD. I’ve money to “use” (but replace, to-be-sure). – Train to bus to M&E. We went shopping… well, Moe & I went to TD, Ev shopped for groceries. When we joined her, I took half of her list. Quicker that way. So I put in from 16-19.00 today. – After shopping, we stopped at the pizza place there. I had a calzone/coke. The phone rings. Name unavail. IT WAS PAT! BUCKLES IS IN PHC w/PNEUMONIA! THE VNS NURSE HAD BEEN THERE & SAID HE’S OK! WTF? I’M BLOODY PISSED! Ev saw my face & tried calming me. Said I get too attached to my cases. She’s being supportive. Anyway, the calzone hasn’t settled. Nerves? Medical? I’m used to boiled food of late. Whst-ever. When we got back to their flat, they both insisted I have a drink to calm down. I had a CC/water, we chatted. – Tomorrow after-noon I’ll take them to Moe’s MD appt in Maspeth. What luck! I’ll work today, tomorrow, Thurs. for them! (Next wk’s pay will be ONE BLOODY DAY! I FUKIN NEED MONEY!) – The 21 back tonight. To the door. I need cigs but will wait for RiteAid tomorrow. – For now? Thirsty. Tired. Restless. Excited. Angry. Anxious. Apprehensive… I wonder what jund of shit Missy D’s plotting & the “Mgt”. Well, the courts know… and they’ll know MUCH MORE… – I need to get in a nap. WAY past my beddie-bye time.

26.Jan:
8.40 FK! Had an entry. Hit “back”! Bloody stoopit! – Didn’t want to wake at 7. Want a nap now. SSLib open at 10. 2fags left. OK. – Am waiting to be notified by PIC r/t Bkl’s admit yesterday. – Am apprehensive r/t the court disposition & who might show at the door. I’ll simply ring 911 for anything. I’ve resolved. – The snow has begun. Just don’t let it screw my income today… – Today, need to buy coffee & stuff to eat. – Bit if nap then on with Wednesday. – For some un-understood reason, “terminal sex” is an attractive concept right now.

13.57 Q35 to PO. It’s SO beautiful today. Snow. No fking ppl. May the Peace continue.

27.Jan:
0.35 WHAT an evening! Atplay is 42. Kenedtrnt is 44. Thbst hasn’t returned my txt since I sent my age & a photo of stm.cath. Had the HOTTEST Twit w/s_a_b! I actually got into it. kndyrnt was following the whole thing. sab said I’m “romantic”. KHRNY is quite rockin’. AND MY BOTTOM WINDOW IS ALMOST COMPLETELY COVERED IN SNOW! – Nothing pressing/urgent tomorrow.lIt’s supposed to be brutal. Sleep-in? – Had 3 drinks. I think I’m sweatimg them out (25* in here! Little heater). – I’m feeling alone, truth be told. The sudden silence fm Thbst has hit me. – But, I DID give the un-used shells back to the ocean. The gulls all hovered over me! It was amazing… & sad: They’re hungry, & I know what that’s like! Then I went for my “sm” vdk & to Beach where I got 3Dual soaps, 2Dettol, a “half-glass” steel thermos (fukin china) to bring coffee to work. – Had SIX hard-boiled eggs/cheese sandwich for dinner. – Some thumping tonight. Journalled. I started yelling. I’ve got a VERY BAD attitude toward tjis house tonight. Fuk’em ALL! “No appearance” at court! – Tired. Noshy. Time for sleep. So much for planned release.
7.00 3 bevs last night &… nothing but the Twits, & dry mouth & the icks this morning. I almost can’t believe I’m awake at this hour. I don’t know WHY I’m awake at this hour. (& 6 hard eggs do not count as “dinner”. Let’s not do that again. Ever.) – There’s still snow in the window. Noy as much as last night though. Forecast is for sun. The weather map confirms. Satelites; what did we do before we had them? – I’m full of mucous this morning. Thick. Nasty. – But I’m awake… with no “agenda” except to meet Chung (RiteAid) at 13.00. She invited me to walk her to B129 to her MD. Wants to walk the boards. I’m such a likeable sort. So why don’t I have a better income? – I need to re-vamp the CV today. “Accomplishments” not “Duties/tasks”. Hmph & shit. OK. – Off to the bog…
23.56 (Thurs. 27Jan.)Just a little bit paffed. 2 very light v-poms. But remnants of BB. But more on that to come. – IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT! 19" SAY THE REPORTS. But when I finally ventured out this after-noon to meet Chung (who didn’t make it to wirk because MTA essentially shut-down), it was MAGNIFICENT! Arm-pit-deep banks in some places. Too bad I didn’t take better advantage. But I bought 2pks cigs. just so it didn’t look like I was in RA only to meet Chung. More $ I don’t have, spent. I’ll “angst” over it… but not just by the moment. – Rang Ev as I walked to SSLib (which was CLOSED!) & enjoyed the 13.00 stroll. Then, back to Bedlam where I ate some cereal & went for what was supposed to be a nap (fukthisphone!) but lasted from 14-18.00! So? OK. Fine. Done. – Got back on Twitter, which was quiet. Ate dinner: chicken, soup. Back to Twitter. – SAB’s taken out another cath & tonight seemed a bit annoyed. Fine. I gave Kennedyrent my phone (GrandCentral 718) to make future pkans for a Tilden tour. Sent link to bunker blog. Hey. Why not? Eh? – GOT E-MAIL FM LMJ! Poor guy’s working his balls off. I NEED to get a job that’ll pay a place to host or to travel. FUK! I just need to get out of here! – So, that said, I kinda forced tonight’s “session”. I HAD to get it OUT of my system. It t went from a few hits BB to the loggers, to stim, into the cath. Didn’t take very long… BANGWOW! I blew a load AS I removed the cath! When I cleaned the cath, the load was in it! Woah! New experience. But my pee-hole is sensitive right now. – Well, a day of “nap”. I’m quite tired now. Feels much later. So I’ll trip o’er to Twits, check & go. – BTW have heard nothing from Terrance(BeastNYC) about tomorrow. I DO believe the photo I sent him, scared the shit out of him. Oh, they like to talk, like the Inet photos… until they GET. OK. Typical. Life. Fukemall. – The end.

28.Jan:
6.10 No, that probably wasn’t enough sleep, considering I do remember posting here at 1.00. But I can’t just sleep this time away. Why? I don’t really know. But I can’t. I should try to get to SIBL. I’ll get me to SSLib. And it’ll be interesting to see what I don’t get paid today. – On we go…

29.Jan:
1.13 OK. I’ve finally done it: fukd my dik w/a 16fr until I came. I’ve wondered what that would be like, the sensation of something sliding against the urethra. Always thought it would be rather tremendous. Well, the stim numbed it a bit. But I got SO hard! I almost couldn’t believe it was really ME! Straight up! (I’m spoiling my-self though. Will I ever be able to enjoy this as much with-out stm, caths & the rest? Something to consider. As much as others might phantasise, I doubt I’ll ever meet simebody who’ll appreciate all this. Hence… single.) – Well, it followed, at long last, a rather long after-noon-inti-evening. Aside from a chat w/Ev, a schmooze w/Penelope, fried egg&cheese sanwiches for dinner, no dessert & 3 v-poms… At 20.30 there was clomping & moving furniture uo-stairs. Accimpanied by tap-scratching & door-thumping. General annoyances. My response? I Twittered the 11222rbb blog w/every hash I could think of! NYC, govt.:Fed,State,Local. Tourism, real estate, names, & on & on. When it hits Twitter it’ll go international this time. I’m not certain why I’m fighting this so much, but I’m really fed-up w/being the nice tenant who gets screwed. Esp. in light of Lorraine yelling “Fuck you too!” at me. OK. No. Not fuck “me”. Let’s turn it round this time. I’m saturated w/the fux! – Anyway, am having jolly fun on the other Twitter. So OK then. – But that episode tonight! I just gave in, got lost, let go & away I went. I’m still a bit tumescent (1.35). I’ll be sore in the morning. But it’s worth it. Oh, it is. Now I know; the answer to another wonder. – Now, a few glasses of water & a nap. Meeting Pen at 10.00, T6.
1.42 Peed. A bit painful. But interestingly, not completely soft, even yet. – One more glass of water… then nap.
8.09 Oh the things I do… the trees, rocks, grasses, pilloes, shoes, boots, gloves, jackets… things I can’t recall. And these days… ekectrics and caths. I did get a bit carried-away last night though. At least it wasn’t the straight. So, it’ll be a bit uncomfortable for a bit. Do it again? Oh I’m sure. But earlier, so I can get to sleep. I could use more sleeo this morning. Other-wise… OK.
8.17 OH! SOMEBODY POSTED AUNT GEN’S OBITUARY ON MY VOY BD YESTERDAY! SHE DIED ON THE 25th, AGED 83. SURVIVED BY KARL, “SON” TIMMY AND SIN “LESTER”. LESTER? I NEVER KNEW LESTER! AND BROTHERS JOHN AND THE FILTH. SHE DIED AT HOME. CONTRIBUTIONS CAN BE MADE TO SOME HOSPICE. – I WONDER WHO POSTED THE OBIT. WILL HAVE TO LOOK.
23.43 Put 9$ on the MetroCard & went to Tilden. Got there just before noon. IT’S BEAUTIFUL OUT THERE! Snow & no foot-prints. Serene. Penelope was happy to ses me but there were “sitters”, one was Denis MacRae or what-ever. He came to me: “What’s your name?” “Oh. I thought you were somebody else.” Who? Somebody who likes you? Oops. Not me. – BUT SULLY CAME BY! THE GUY’S MAGNIFICENT! Says he found another place to explore. Said “If you find it, don’t tell ANYBODY.” The guy trusts me. I admire him so much. – Burke came by too. I get a tad edgy when he’s about. I winder if P. ever told him of my “crunch” in him. Oh well if she dud. – So I spent most of the day on-line… THEN STEPHIE came by! LUV seeing her! She & Anne gave me a lift to B116 at 16.30. They were going to Breezy! Imagine? – Went to storage for Surgilube. Took train back.
23.53 This fone’s pissing me the fuk off! – Spaghetti, butter, garlic, pepper for dinner. Cereal for dessert. Out of food again! – Twittered most of the eve. Somehow folks seem bent. And TheBeast is ignoring me. OK. Fukem. – One drink. Stim w/BB WORKED WONDERFULLY! – This phone is SHITSHITSHIT!

30.Jan:
0.27 When I moved here, it took weeks to be able to actually un-wind at night to get to sleep each night. I had to adjust to not needing to watch during the night.
Now, when the hour to sleeo comes each night, my system jumps (this phone is s piece of fucked shit!!!) in anxiety, expecting banging, thumping, yelling & the sort. Even now that KUNT next-door is fucking about the wall!
I’ll see her & them ruined… I swear it!
Meanwhile… I need to get out of here!
6.53 It’s no wonder that Advil works on my oain & discomfort… Last night, I took 2 & THEN read the dosage. I’m taking 2… the dosage is 1. Well, leave it to me. But I slept well. – And now we face another day… what a bust.

31Jan:
6.38 Last evening, I Twittered the night away…
Yesterday, I passed the afternoon at T6, w/Penelope, Gary, & Tommy. I STARTED the note-card for M&E.
Today, I’m hoping to get a few hours in at T6. Then the after-noon/evening w/M&E.
Tonight we’re expecting the beginning of an ice storm.
Right now, I’m fighting insufficient sleep & a touch too much vodka last night. THIS is the week I have to go to Face-To-Face.
I’d like to go to sleep… pretty much forever.