1.Sep:
If I get to this page, I’m truly sorry. August was supposed to be ATROPA MARTINIS.
8.49: 1600,00. Not a chance. And if I did have it? I wouldn’t have been kept awake until mid-night. I wouldn’t wake at almost 9. And I wouldn’t have the stress. THIS is NOT going to happen! And the HEAT is no help to the thought process. Well? It’s not because I’m surrounded by stuff I don’t need. Not that I’ve got a place full of costly furnishings or clothes. Or books, music, stuff, things. Food. Sneakers (for work). Cigarettes. I started with a cushion. I started with something to fall-back on. I came here prepared. I seriously need to figure a way to change all this… NOW! – September. I don’t like the look of the word. I don’t like the sound of it. I don’t like the fact that I’m writung/typing/journalling any of this. So what kept me frim my date? What is it that keeps me going? What is it that makes all this continue? What? Why is it that I keep thinking I’ll take one more step, one more day, one more moment? Instead of focusing on these questions, it’s time to focus on WHAT WILL CHANGE IT ALL and HOW to change it… IMMEDIATELY!
THERE WILL BE NO RETURNING TO THE SHELTER! AND NO MORE WALKING AWAY FROM IT ALL!
(Nice beginning to a month.)
Go about the day. Go about the time. Face the moments as they present. Think, seriously of how to change it all whilst the moments happen. BUT, to obsess on the negatives will only create stagnation… MOVE ON. MOVE FORWARD. Others, even the useless, have transgressed. I (YOU) will too! NOW… MOVE!
22.46: Aside fm straining the rest of the cooked beach plums (sauce) and getting rid of recyclables, and washing all the shirts worn, NOTHINH got accomplished! Left at almost 15h and stopped (litterally) at M&E’s. Intended to drop a bowl of beach plums and go. The sun was seering hot! But… the conversations rolled along and next thing, I was invited to dinner. Ev’s pasta, butter, garlic, ricotta, egg and grated cheese (and LOTS of salad!). (I got my greens.) And so, 21.30/45 I was leaving. But a Q35 arrived AS I got to the corner. – Still, no fabric, no lettre to PIC r/t 2 weeks off for the holidays, no rent research. No thing. But dinner and a most wonderful visit. Truly. And off the clock. I enjoy their company. – Got off the bus at B108 and walked the beach to B113. The ocean’s unremarkable. No sign of “Earl”. No huge waves either. Earl is due on Friday. I’m hoping for a direct hit. But I doubt we’ll even get a schpritz. – 22.59 TV/7 mumbling. Phil and co. on the porch. 30* in here. 2/5 shirts still drying. 3 aspirins for sleep. And WOW! Has my tan faded… in only 2 days. I don’t understand how I fade so quickly. – Tomorrow is Home Depot w/”the folks” at 15h, dinner (b’day) at 18h. I need to get the lettre to PIC AND call in because they called me AGAIN today. – Have decided to try the crocheted bed-linens for money. Need to find a place to sell them now. – Too much to think about. Too late at night to DO anything. – Stomach out of kilter. Too much food. Too much anxiety. Esp. coming down B112. I need to get out of/away fm this house. ANXIETIES: Noise, rent, NOISE.

2.Sep:
9.50: 9:50am. JUST having coffee! JUST waking up! JUST fed right up with this! Considered a run to Save-A-Thon for denim… NOT! I’m expected at M&E’s at 15.00. The way the busses (don’t) run these days, I’d never make it! And so I’m pretty much trapped here. Or so I feel. Well… – DOGS BARKING! Mme.D. has a new puppy. A bulldog. The poor little thing just lays there, barking all the time. When I think: I’m not happy with MY situation; that poor little creature is now captive in THAT place! The house stinks from the last dog, dark, dirty. Poor creature.
DREAM:
Frag: Ev had to go to the banque. I was there to accompany her. She took her time preparing to leave. I was anxious. We were standing on the cat-walk, she was staring straight out. Some clouds in the sky. There’d been news that the country was at war. Attack on us was eminent. I noticed bombs being launched: about 10 or more, They rose into the clouds, they were horizontal. the way they’d be if they’d been dropped, but they were RISING UP into the air. They’d been “launched” from a point somewhere in the vicinity of Ozone Park. I said “I don’t like the looks of that.” No comment fm. Ev. – A man and young boy on the walk, lying by a brick wall. Something was falling in them. Drops of water. He yelled “This thing is talking!” r/t the drops. They were crouched in a corner. I understood the bombs were to hover in the cloud cover to be detonated there or dropped when needed. But the prevailing thought was: We were at war. (I woke.)
Now to check the weather and Earl. – If anybody comes to the door r\t rent, I’m going to insist they follow the law, present something in writing (Dpt. if Hlth. &c.) I can win this time. Do what I CAN. – Now to salvage the day.
(PostTime: 10.58) GASTON
Earl is expected to “hit” Fri.23h. Fiona is still coming up behind and not expected to amount to much.
GASTON is behind Fiona, out in the sea, moving along slowly, slowly.
GASTON… my Refuge, my Peace, my Solace, my Freedom, my Escape, my Hope. I’ve gone to GASTON’s beach, sat on GASTON’s shores, bathed in GASTON’s waves, marveled at GASTON’s beauty and GASTON’s fury. I mourn GASTON’s destruction/development. I’ve written of GASTON. I’ve missed GASTON. GASTON was where I was to go for the departure from this horror, that horror. GASTON was my anticipated LEMBROOK. And now GASTON has been born in and of the vast and open sea, approaches casually, grows slowly… Will it be my blessing? My Hope realised? Will GASTON come to take me “Home”, away from this, to the Peace of my Mother, the Peace I ling and yearn for, the Peace I know I have worked, struggled for and deserve?
GASTON
(PostTime: 24.43) 2. Sept: Thursday: WHAT A DAY! Got the gold numbers on the 55 book. That was that. Passed(?) Lorraine TWICE in the hall. She’s right back to loo-duty. I must admit… it shows. THEY’RE CLEAN AGAIN. But, NOT A WORD SPOKEN. She’s learned. So I showered. – FUN? I walk out te door of the house and Ms.D. is across The Blvd. walking her pooch. I crossed, headed for the beach to see the sea. As I looked west for traffic, “it” looked east for traffic. NOT A WORD SPOKEN! Clever of her. – No indication if any storm on the beach. But the water was pure azure! Can’t wait for tomorrow.
Arr’d M&E at 15h. Moe was SLEEPING! The idiot HHA mentioned swelling of his hand this morning, then REPORTED IT to the agency! Set poor Moe into a spiral. So, whilst waiting for Ev (who was smartly deessed… I was glad I’d decided on Dockers and Lacoste) to attend some biz, I typed my “Holidays off” letter to PIC and printed more NY RPL in case of need. (Glued to the door here.) Moe finally woke about 16h and by about 17h we went to Home Depot where they finally bought a ceiling fan.
For my b’day: Drove up Woodhaven to Yellowstone to “daSilvana Restaurant” for dinner. (120.00$) I had TWO Manhattans! soup, pasta, espresso. The place is a delight. The food was very filling. Not bad. Good portions. But it was SUCH A MAGNIFICENT EVENING W/M&E! HOW MY LIFE HAS CHANGED HERE! SO REMOVED FM THE PAST AND THE PEOPLE OF THAT TIME! AND HOW GENEROUS AND KIND M&E ARE! WHAT WONDERFUL COMPANY! WHAT MAGNIFICENT PEOPLE! MAMA MUST HAVE ARRANGED IT ALL (so the world won’t destroy her son). JUST SO GREAT!
Tomorrow, weather permitting, I’ll install their fan. – Oh, EV WANTED TO PAY ME FOR THE TIME AT DINNER! I WON! I REFUSED TO ACCEPT THAT. I MEAN… REALLY! Yes, the extra $ is needed. But ETHICS PREVAIL! – Stopped at DuaneReade for smokes before Bedlam. – Sticky night. TV7 on until 24.30! And now, at 0.42 I’m not too tired but have plans fir Friday and need some nap-time tonight.

3.Sep:
(PostTime: 8.08) Just waking, checking Earl. DOG BARKING! Radio on. Not feeling too well. Too much dinner? The fitful sleep last night? The stench of deodorant being pulled in by the fan from next door? Something worse? Something silly? – Earl’s not due until tomight. I’ve got to get to P.O., banque, Middle Vill., Moe/Ev. Much on the agenda and I’ve slept late. Well, not really. P.O. opens 8.30, stores at 9, M/E at 12. There’s time. And so, off we go.
(PostTime: 20.42) EARL… A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT! NOTHING! NOT EVEN RAIN! NOT EVEN WIND! NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!! But it was HOT AND HUMID… FKIT!
20.30h Q21 RockBlvd. – Left about 10. Posted my time off lettre fm RockPark. Q53 to Q54. It’s still a strange feeling over by Pepino’s. Why HE has this impact, I’ll never understand. Anyway, NO flip-flops. But a TD deposit made. – Back on Q54. Michael’s. WHITE CHOCOLATE! – Q23 to M&E… and THAT’S where THE DAY BEGAN:
The house wires didn’t follow black and white. I followed the lampe wiring (and am still not comfortable with it… but it worked). Assembling the fan and installing it took the better part of over an hour (though assembly went pretty well… it was figuring the wiring scheme). THEN CAME WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE NO-BRAINER… THE BLADES! The unit was up BUT I COULDN’T FIGURE THE BLADE ASSEMBLY! THE SCREWS WERE TOO SHORT! By now, I was PISSED! I rang Home Depot. 1st line “Bring it back.” NOT an option. 2nd: bring in receipt and screws. OK. Better. Ev gave me the car…
(22h. I walked in the door at EXACTLY 21h. Now, dinner done, jeans hanging to dry, finished vodka-tonic. Woah!)
At H.D.(Home Depot-Woodhaven) though… TWO REALLY WONDERFUL LADIES AT CUST.SVCE. DESK. They did EVERYTHING they could to help me and directed me to Hardware. They offered: If I could find substitue screws, I could have them! So, off I went. A guy w/hearing aid, putting up little packets, ignored me. Next? A young Black fellow responds to the “Cust.Svce.” button I’d pushed. He gets another fellow who says: “Harbor Bay? Manufacturer’s fault. You have to go to the manufacturer.” He didn’t stop walking down the aisle! I went back to the CustSvce desk and recounted. One of the ladies accompanied me back to the aisle, got the guy back who then went through drawers of screws for me! Gave me 5 pkts of screws to check against the floor model. (None of which were exact, but damned close). I thanked him…
Lighting/Electric. I opened a box. SAME SCREWS! I figured I’d mis-read the instructions. I had to telephone Cust.Svce. for in-store help. They paged. Nobody came. A young lady walked by. Not of the Dept. I told her to get the “M.O.D.” because I was about to dismantle the Dept. to find what I needed. I’d been in the store NINETY MUNUTES! NEXT! A young Black man comes over. Admittedly, I was impossible at first. BUT THEN…
HE OPENS A FAN, TAKES OUT THE BLADE PARTS AND ASSEMBLES ONE! THE DAMNED WASHER HAD TO BE REMOVED FIRST, THEN THE BLADE CRADLED PERFECTLY! I almost hugged the guy! Mystery solved! I was (and still am) genuinely thankful. I stopped at Cust.Svce. to recount and took names. I’ll compose a magnifucent lettre to H.D.Corp. – I’d gotten SO f’scleched that I’d forgotten the extension chains (Ev reminded me when I rang with the news). BACK into the store for the chains…
Returned to M/E by about 18.45 and put the fan together, blades, lights, et al. And…
IT WORKS TO THEIR GREAT SATISFACTION AND DELiGHT! Ev INSISTED on paying me for the installation. (40). I HAD to accept, though I didn’t want to.

(PostTime: 22.51) SO… By about 20h I was out of there, kippa in pocket. Q53 to JamaicaAv. VODKA! I wanted a drink (didn’t accept one offered by Ev though. I believe they’re comfortable w/me now…). Q21 back to Bedlam.
Got off at B110 to avoid bumping into Ms.D. BUT… WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE?
An enveloppe, AT the door, ON the FLOOR IN the hall…
DATED “8-27-10”
“Jude:
Landlord has been trying to get in touch with you! Your rent has been way past due, with no reason what so ever. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses. His phone # is 1-917-881-1882. Get iN touchlwithlhim A.S.A.P., or bring down your rent. Nobody Lives rent free. Shame on you!! I don’t want no excuses.
Denise
P.S. You are Living In a Rooming house!!!”
I put my jeans in the basin to soak, got the chicken and knishes out of the fridge for dinner, RANG EV TO MAKE CERTAIN THE FAN IS OK (it is). I ate, washed laundry, dishes, finished my drink.
22.43 27,5* in here. Save a few bumps fm Lorraine a few moments ago, quiet in the hole.
WHAT a day!
Earl was supposef to “hit” at 23h. There’s NOTHING! Tomorrow is supposed to be very “pretty” weather. I intend to look at the tides, plan accordingly.
I got my white chocolate. I did NOT get my flip-flops NOR black denim. BUT, there are 2 people in Glendale who are happier tonight because of an installed ceiling fan. And I am happy that I could give them that happiness tonight. LIFE will re-pay my kindness w/misery. But that’s not the point. LIFE is misery. MY happiness is MINE… AND MINE ALONE! Creation does not matter. MY “God” is pleased. MY Mum would be VERY pleased… I work in her name.

4.Sep:
(PostTime: 10.18) (“PS You are Living in a Rooming house”) “Living”? No. “Residing”? No. “Sojurning”? Too classy a term. “Transiently Sheltered”? Close. “SITUATED”. OK. – It’s where I finally fell asleep past mid-night, woke this morning past 9.00 (9.34). Where the air from the window fan is cool and the jeans, t-shirt and socks, washed last night, are put up already. It’s where I’ve finished morning coffee and trotted off to the loo. Where the sky is clear and there is no evidence of any hurricane. Where my good Nature and peaceful demeanour has cost me my savings, the savings I struggled through MONTHS (almost an entire YEAR) in a City Shelter to accumulate… so that today, this morning, this Shabbat morning, I wake with the now customary stress of financial difficulty. A “Rooming house” where, because of my good behaviour, I am intensely miserable. Where I have been deprived of more hours of necessary sleep, rest, repose in ine year than that in the afore-mentioned Shelter due to the refuse situated above and to the north of me. (“a Rooming house”… previously referred to as a “hotel”.)
Hebrew on the radio, clearly, this Shabbat morning, in this “Rooming house”.
“a Rooming house” where Atropa Belladonna infuses beautifully, colourfully, silently, patiently in a glass jar of vodka… to become, when my mind can no longer with-stand the stress, my “Farewell Martini”.
“a Rooming house”…

(PostTime: 10.37) This morning I drifted from sleep, into the awakened world, softly stroking with tender finger-tips, his back. He lay beside me, quietly, peacefully, comfortably, his back and chest rising and falling as he breathed in silent sleep. I felt the softness of his flesh, the warmth of his presence there, beside me. It was a joy. It was my joy. I was calm, at peace, contented. He was “Schmulik”, “Dennis”, “Nick”. He was my “Lover“. He was my “Lovers“, (Arik: inasichbah) all of them, in one. He was ALL of the moments in my “Life” when I allowed my-self the folly of believing “THIS will be FOREVER.” And my fingers glided over the softness of his resting flesh, touched his presence there, beside me, made “real” his existence; and I woke, fully, into the world of this day, beneath a blanket taken from a hospital and one taken from a Shelter… and I was, again, as usual, as is my “existence”… solitary.
(PostTime: 14.09) I’ve (half)slept most of the day. NOTHING. No particular reason. Just because. I’m in a “Why bother?” mode. KHRNY is coming in clearly and I’m enjoying it. Don’t want to leave the Hebrew and have to hear English (and certainly NOT Spanish!). There are things to do but my mind won’t let me get to them. Too late for Tilden, the beach, &c. Too early for travel. Just too…
(PostTime: 23.18) I have left this room a total of THRICE ALL DAY! Twice to dump. Once, at 22h to shower. I’ve slept most of it. Not so much because of fatigue, but because of boredom, anxiety, aggrevation, annoyance, displeasure, perhaps even a touch of depression (I DO SO HATE BEING IN THIS HOUSE THESE DAYS). I’d napped, deciding to be on a 19.30 buslto the mall. When I woke, ate “dinner”, actually had coffee, decided it wouldn’t be worth the trip, stayed on the bed, got back on the Net. Browsed porn. Not even a twitch. I’m becoming quite concerned. Hopefully it’s just this mood. – At 21h Phil and Orlando started their nightly fracass in the hall. By 21.30 it was done. Then Orlando’s TV went on (it’s STILL on). At 22h I decided to get comfy w/a shower. I’m clean… and “comfy”. Have had a rather light v/t, lit the Glade candle (there was a foul odour in here when I returned from the shower), have smoked over half a pack of cigs today and amlnot truly tired but the temp in here is 24,5 and a delight. I MUST launder the bed-clothes. I don’t much want to go to the laundry. I don’tlmuch want to DO much of anything. I’ve the notion to sketch. I’ve the notion to complete the 55. I’ve the notion to crochet. I’ve the notion to go to the beach. I’ve a lot of notions. I’ve no gumption. I’ll finish this, put my glass in the basin. I’ll HOPE for SILENCE tonight (w/SOME shit4brains in the hall now) and TRY for some (more) sleep until about 4h when I’ll wake and begin the day, annoying others as they annoy me. Bullsht. That just about covers it. Oh, sent an e-mail to a blogger: all these men on blogs who look ready and available; so why am I here… solo? Can’t wait for the reply. (FK U PHIL/ORLANDO AND YOUR MISTRESS DENISE!)

5.Sep:
(PostTime: 5.05) This morning’s alarm was set for 4.45. At approx. 4.44 I was awake) on my own, in the cool air (21*!), wondering what time it was. I turned to get the phone JUST as the alarm went. And so now, at 5.04, there are several projects to work on. The Aqueduct Flea opens at 7.30. THIS day will NOT be like yesterday.
(PostTime: 19.06) Well, as it goes, I walked out st 9. Headed right for Aqueduct. A perfect morning for it: clear, warm sun, cool breeze. Aisle by aisle, I looked for: black shirt, flip-flops, maybe a pair of fkboots. Atlthe VERY END, found nice shirts. 5$! “Rame”. The guy wouldn’t let me try one on OVER my shirt. “People’s bodies have odours and it gets into their clothes. If you try the shirt on it’ll catch your scent and nobody will buy it.” ME! Showered last night before bed and AGAIN this mirning before leaving! I flipped him the bird and left the Mkt. pissed. – Bus to RockBlvd. Cigs. Marshall’s, nothing. Decided to try QueensCtr. BUT, en route I lost my mind… At Woodhaven, the F to 34th to the Q to OceanPkwy! And why not? By now there wasn’t a chance of getting to a beach… I arr’d at Jackie’s some time around 13.30. Browsed. NOTHING! NOT EVEN FLIP-FLOPS! They’ve gone Autumn/Winter ALREADY! Strolled BrtnBchAv. More nothing. At CIAv got the bus to AvW, dep’d Ev’s cq. How odd: TD is open on Sunday! (The teller asked: “Is this your account?” I didn’t ask why.) – Walked up CIAv. to AvU, rang Ev (still concerned about the fan). All’s well there. As I got to U, the bus came. I let it go to talk. But then, a store, right there… I went in. FLIP-FLOPS! OK. 5,50$ (EACH) was WAYWAYWAY MORE than I wanted to pay, but… a pair in black, blue, brown. (STOOPID? Yes. Of course. But…). – On the bus to FlatbushAv. Save-A-Thon. At Fltbsh, I took off the work-boots, put on the black flops. My feet were KILLING me. I’m not used to foot-wear anymore. They NEED breaking-in. Not perfect. Not satisfactory. But not boots. They felt good. – A yard of black duck cloth and… the bus back. – At 17.16 I walked in. Threw together chicken salad on 2 sandwiches. – Right now (18.05) I’m down for a nap. Lorraine’s making noise. I want to punch her, but I’m too tired right now.
(PostTime: 20.45) NOT 20 mins. after I’d posted, logged-off, crawled under the blankets… THE BITCH AND THE RETARD went at it! She, crashing about; he with the TV! So I got up, cranked the radio, went to work in the “w anchor” t-shirt. (It’s OK. Not my best.) If nothing else, it got me started. – The black denim? TOO black. But at 3,99$ it will certainly do. – BALANCED BOTH ACCOUNTS. Now I have to get the savings BACK! – Tonight I don’t care about here. I almost dare that whore down-stairs to come to my door. Reshet Gimel is on the air. More “Mediterranean” than Israeli. But it too will have to do. (It’s neither English nor Spanish. BIG PLUS!) – Tomorrow’s plan? Up before dawn, lettres/sewing/illumination. Then to Tilden… BEACH! – Just finishing my drink now.

6.Sep:
1.59: I can’t say that I didn’t expect it; but I didn’t expect it to BEGIN at THIS hour! The Black Water JUST NOW brought their party out-side! The retard on the sound-system screaming “The back-yard is now open…!” and the music is pounding! Had it BEGUN earlier, it would be different. But to BEGIN AT 2h. is too much! – And I fell asleep with wonderful music from Reshet Gimel… volume unusually high, due to the Bitch and the Tard here. I WAS quite asleep until THIS. – So I’m awake. Took 2 aspirin for the head-ache I now have, closed the window a bit. It helps just a little. But what I DO enjoy is thinking that it’s most likely LOUDER in Nr.5 and on the 1st floor since they’ve nithing to block the sound. – I’ve put up the volume on Reshet Gimel just a bit too. Let them all rot. As I say: BEGINNING this shit at 2.00 is just damned nasty. But it IS s bar, it IS in Rockaway, they ARE clinically retarded in-breeds, they ARE little more than terminal alchoholics and equally as useless… and it IS the end of the season. And yes, there are MORE windows in Nr.5, BOTH out there to receive the noise (with the music from here as well, no doubt). So, I’ll try to half-sleep for a while. – I’d planned to be awake AT 5.00. That’s changed now.But sun-rise doesn’t come until something round 6 anyway. And I can get SOME sleep at Tilden during the day… – Meanwhile: I MUST GET THE FK OUT OF HERE! AND GI FURTHER WEST ON THIS PENINSULA! Or… go back to the Shelter system (NOT!!!!!)
(PostTime: 20.29) I was at the bench by the FreshWater as the noon whistle blew.
JUST AS I WALKED OUT THE DOOR TO THE STREET, DENISE WAS HAVING A VERBAL BRAWL WITH HELENE AND HER FRIEND! POLICE AND ALL! I just walked over to the bus stop to wait for the bus… minding my business. Helene was carrying an over-the-door shoe holder. She left it at a house on 113. You know? For her sake, I hope she’s moved. (I envy her good fortune.) I was tempted to talk w/her: I’ll drop our suit if she goes after Denise. BUT what I’m hoping is that the judge will tell her to go after Denise.
The beach at CW6 was relatively empty. But because of fishermen, I went to the groin to the West. The tide was out, the water was clean and comfy. But, because of last night’s disturbed sleep, my stomach was way off. I just couldn’t handle the coolness of the water. I sunned… actually SLEPT: an hour the 1st time, 1,5 hours the second time. NO SWIMMING! But the sun was warm and the breeze was cool so I didn’t much mind.
(Having Penelope’s lentil soup. I’m hungry. No food in this place.)
(PostTime: 21.04) OK. That was really very good: soup over 2 slices of bread. I don’t want to keep a lot of food in here in case Mme.D. does some illegal lock-out or eviction. What-ever…
So I spent about 4,5 hours on the beach. The water was SO inviting, esp. when, at about 15.45 I woke to find the tide quite up. But I was more concerned that the drop in my body temperature (in the water, then in the cool breeze on the beach) would cramp my bowels and I’d HAVE to shit. Thanks again to the trash in #Nrs.5 and 7. Even the Blackwater turned it down enough for me to go back to sleep. (The TV’s on in 7, Lorraine’s stirring on the wall in 5. It’s 20.49.) Still, aside from the “fersherz” from Bklyn, it was a rather nice day. I got more colour.
On my way out, I got to talk to the Police-woman. Thanked her for the season. She’s really very nice. We talked about an hour. Jose drove by, honked, waved. Some idiot from Breezy came to give the Police-woman a tough time: YOU have to stop the grafitti! YOU have to stop the vandalism! YOU have to control everything! She took it all in stride. (When she left on a call, I went to speak w/the arse fm. Breezy. He went into a tirade about relatives in govt., getting Federal Parks people fired because City parks are so much better, BIG Bloomberg supporter, claims to be an attorney. WHAT-EVuh. I’m glad I got to talk w/the Police-woman. (Have started my lettre to the Fed supporting the Tilden crews.)
Bus backlto Bedlam uneventful. Saw Ms.D. and her butt-cheek Tito coming in, dressed (by Rockaway standards). The house was, relatively, quiet.
Rang Barbara. We talked quite a bit. And now, 21.02, I’m off to shower before sleep.
Tomorrow? Perhaps working on my lettres whilst lounging on the beach. Then to the MMLib to tupe/print. If not? Some mayhem of some sort… no doubt.
21.36 Showered. – I’ve developed “Love Handles”. Looking in the mirror I thought: My Mum never had the chance to see my beard go grey. How un-fair. – Lorraine’s at it. I’m wondering if I should stomp the wall or report… leaving MY info from now on. – Will try for a morning at Tilden, lettre-writing. Then MMlib printing. A plan. – Now to report Lorraine and try for sleep… with KHRNY. I miss silent nights. This is little better than the Shelter… sleepinglwith the radio on. I should be fluent in Hebrew by now, listening all night.
Apparently Missy Lorraine is having leak troubles this evening. She went to PHIL. I heard her in the hall. He said he’d call downstairs. So now he’s the super? OK. So I called-in to 311 and left MY contact info this time r\t the wall-banging. And now, 22.12, I hear (through the door) that something has been “closed off”. It had better not be both showers. I’ve an early morn planned. – On that, I’d better TRY for a nap… No telling what to expect next (noise, all night, no doubt).

7.Sep:
6.20 Awake. Coffee. Slept. Now to see just how much will be accomplished with this day, how much of the planned items will actually get done, and what wrench will be dropped into the works. – A roll and something for lunch. Cigs. MetroCard. More money that has to be spent (that I do NOT want to spend). Check to be sure the lib will be open late. And tomorrow, early to M&E and a trip to The City… rain forecast for that. Oh well… Right now, I’m on sched.
(PostTime: 14.20) OH KAY! Phase 1 accomplished. 4 hours on a lonely Tilden beach. When I arr’d there were 3 of us the visible length. (When I left, the morons and titty-floppers were arriving.) 4 nice dips in the no-waves sea. But the visibility was more than 2metres down! DEElightful. – Now, to soak/wash the trunks? get the salt off me and on to The Big City. (I’ll nap on the train.) – Libido struck on the beach. Not whst it should be. But…
23.02 Just in from The City. Washed the trunks. Got rid of the 2(or 3)-day “load” (stim but not h/f, who cares?). Showered and out the door. Msg’d Schmuel from the train at about 16h. (He never responded until something round 18h as I was in the library and couldn’t talk. Said he’d be working til 22h.) Anyway, I’ve treated me to a new kippa… and will NEVER NEVER do that again! 26$! and the same bunk about little old ladies in Israel making them all by hand. Bull-chara! But, I bought at Levine’s where I’d gotten my siddur. Nu? A good store, lovely people. B’seder. – Walked up to the library and was there by about 18h. As I’m sitting there, writing the lettre to Home Depot, I look up to see Ram! He was pleasant enough, dressed nicely, sat a while. He’s STILL in the Shelter, in Bklyn. When he asked if I’m still at 30th I told him I’m on The Island. Hind-sight: I should advertise THIS hole with DHS. (AFTER I leave.) It was good seeing him (and broke me of my little “attraction” somehow). I wonder how Rey and George are doing. And Tony, Charles, and, of course… Charlie. – So, I’m typing away… MSG.: 20h-something. “Will wait at 23rd St. F.”! NO. I’m typing and that’s NOT how I wanted to meet. AGAIN w/the convenience bunk! I sent back: don’t wait. Another msg.: How long? I sent an e-mail on my last few seconds on the PC. Odd, I don’t regret having not seen him (Schmuel/Eduardo). I’m burnt out (there too). – ONLY got the 2-ph. lettre to NPS done! Put it to my e-mail and printed 2. Started the HD lettre. Will have to go back to finish it on Thurs. (Rosh haShannah). – BUT… I got to the library. On my way out (21h) stopped to chat w/the security guard. She’s fun to talk with. And left for Grand Central, Flushing train… DELAYS!!! on the train! As it was, I got stuck at Broad Channel en route TO… the S.Cannel Br. opened JUST as the shuttle left us off. So… I got my MetroCard and decided to shuttle to TimesSq. for the A. When I got there, decuded to try for the 7. Good fortune: the train arr’d, emptied…
… re-loaded and left w/me on it… seated, for a change. – 61st in no time. I was hungry. 3, 50cent chips for the bus which left before I finished a smoke. And did that bus MOVE! Sped right along! Suddenly, the phone: MOE! At almost 22.00 (I was at Qns.Blvd. already). He wanted to confirm tomorrow; I’m driving to UnionSq. at 9.30. We chatted just a bit. I luved hearing from him. – And so, I had 3pkgs Buddig turkey on a roll at 11.30. Nothing else, save the chips. It’s too late to make salmon salad now. I’ll be godawful sorry tomorrow. – Something bit my middle finger, right hand at the beach. A small, solid lump. Not painful. I wonder. I’ve been bitten more IN the water this year. – So now, in the quiet… TRY FOR NECESSARY SLEEP! – No food in the place. No mixers. No beverages. And I DREAD balancing the book… tomorrow. – Right now… NAP TIME! THIS day is SO OH-VUH!

8.Sep:
(PostTime: 6.32) I’m a mess this morning. No food and too much salt. Super tired. But I pretty much fell right to sleep last night. And this place is a mess. – Should be an interesting sort of day… waiting in the doctor’s office… driving about, looking for parking… staying awake… lunch… shopping (no doubt). OY!
22.18 Q21 AtlanticAv.: I can’t believe I made it through the day. Wore… I GOT A DAMNED PARKING TICKET! PAID THE PARKING! GOT A 115$ TICKET! Happy frickin New Year! – Got to M&E at 9.30, traffic troubles for the BQE so we took the tunnel. No prob. Arr’d at about 10.30 for the 11.15 appt. I dropped them and decided to go to the MMLib to type/print the 2 lettres of compliment (NPS/Home Depot). Found a perfect parking spot, paid 3.50$ (GOT 3.00$ on the receipt, I just noticed) for an hour, and went to the computers. – Got an almost immed. PC, typed and printed and went back to the car to find the TICKET!. Took a photo. The bit about the restrictions were hidden IN A TREE! YOU BET I’M FIGHTING THIS! (The photo is printed.) – Well, so, went and told Moe & Ev the whole story. Neither seems terribly upset. But they don’t know the price. I’m leaving it that way. (11 hours and 30 minutes of my time!) I’ll plead not guilty, tell the truth, get SO FKED. Then take it to the Internet and the press. OK. – (Broad Channel… 22.34)
23.32 Bedlam: The trip went quickly. – All the news for Moe is “good”. Surgery will be on Tuesday morning. He’s relieved AND NERVOUS (so are Ev and I). But all the tests they’ve taken have been w/great results. Now, we wait… and Hope. If there is any Goodness left in Creation, ALL will be perfectly well for him. – We lunched at FH Coffee. My first “food” in almost 24hrs. Burger. Then (a la NOT Kosher), ice crwam at Eddie’s. Back to the flat where I put up the groceries Ev bought yesterday… alone. – Printed the photo of the parking fiasco and we spent the rest of the evening duscussing Things Jewish. I DO ADORE those talks. – It was past 22h when I left. The Q21 was approaching Myrtle as I was. BINGO! On the bus…
I rang Ev just before getting to BC. We talked until I was settled in Bedlam. Moe’s concerned about when he comes home Wednesday. Ev asked if I’d be available to stay over-night. OF COURSE I WILL! (A word to haOlam: Do NOT allow Ms.D.or the others associated w/this hell-hole to disrupt Moe’s care!) – And so, the house is quiet at the moment. Tomorrow is Rosh Hashanna. I’ll be alone (again. Naturally) but will rest-in. Any attempt to disrupt will be reported as anti-Semitism. – I’ve akmost NO food in here. Soup. Salmon. Fish for the holiday. I’m really hungry tonight. No business tomorrow. Oh well. No food shopping. (I wish I could attend services. But… no tickey…) And so there it is. In relative silence.
A strange-looking sort of guy opened the door to the house when I came in. Phil’s door was open. Drug delivery, no doubt. Good stuff for court. – Some noise fm up-stairs. More court stuff. – I’m concerned but not worried.
And 9hrs in the banque.
Time for a nap. The wind is really blowing out there tonight.

9.Sep:
9.14: Not feeling well. Stomach is a bit off. Not “sick”. “Off”. There are “things” I’d like to do. Restful “things”. Haircut. Cuff the black carpenter pants. Draw. Sketch. Go to a synagogue. As I was waking, I thought: A sunny room… day-light. If only I had day-light. I could, would accomplish SO MUCH! But in here there’s none. It’s not condusive to “accomplish”. And food. A tin of soup, 2 tins of salmon, 2 slices of bread. Before sleep last night, rice crispies with sugar-water. And I need coffee. I do NOT want to part with any of the little bit of money I have. Not so much to pay rent here but to get out of here. And I have to find more. I really must move from here. But TO where? Better, not worse. Laundry. The bed-linens. But not today. The post-office. Lettres I printed yesterday. Ready to go. Need stamps. Ft. Tilden. Then what? Beach? No. Not today. The lettre r/t the ticket. THAT MUST BE DONE TIMELY. Last night, Ev told me: Moe said, if it has to be paid, I shouldn’t worry about it. I DO! It’s MUCH TOO MUCH MONEY! “Things”… on my mind. “Things”… that in the long run mean nothing. Waiting for a knock on the door… a confrontation with D. or JM. I prefer court, where matters will be settled… legally and fairly and bindingly. – Tired. I’m just a bit weary. I wonder… is this old body doing 55 years of abuse now? I don’t want to break-down slowly. Just stop suddenly. Just tired of it all. – Diversions. Time for diversions. Time to “accomplish”.
(PostTime: 17.40)I cut the fabric for the cuffs on the carpenters (no easy task, that), laid it out for sewing… Fatigue. Nap. That was at 13.00 and it was 17.09 when I woke. THIS “Holiday” is done. “A day of rest”… OH YEAH. I think I pretty much covered that. – As I slept and dozed, I prepared food: soup, salmon salad. Hunger, even in sleep. – I’ve just finished 2 sandwiches. The bottled coffee bought for Wed. at Tilden. Pretty OK. Hey! It’s something in the tummy. If I’m hungry later… soup: crm mshrm. OK. – Now… carpenters. – It was so quiet all day. Now the tards are about. But I’ve had good sleep. Let’s see what comes of the night.
(PostTime: 21.15)VERY NICE JOB! (for my only real accomplishment of the day. HAIR-CUT/BEARD’n’BUSH. Clean me. Took an hour. Just done. – Got the fabric on the carpenters. WOW! My “eye” is off on the cutting. Had to measure, draw lines. (OK Diane… I AM “old”. – I can’t get that out of my head.) But I look FABulous for my age. Pffft! YOU, however, mostly resemble an Egyptian mummy. And I’m not talkin’ maternal parent here. – NEXT? A shower. But that can wait. I’d like a drink. But no mixers in the house. Another last nighter: neat. – A little weary, but not tired. And it’s so nice and cool in here: 25. Supposed to be in the teens tonight! AUTUMN arrives. August is gone. Tishrei is in. 5771. NEW YEAR. NEW ME? (FAT FKING CHANCE.) KHRNY all instrumental… and poor quality recording… skips, bimps and scrathes. Oh well.

10.Sep:
4.26 imagine this! And KHRNY is ROCKIN’! But I’d lost this page in the history on this good-for-effos piece of chara. Anyway… Woke at 4.15, quite slept. Alarms are set for 5 and 5.30. So…JUMP-START. Things to do. I’ve got a list. Let’s get bizzy here. (I’ve lost my mind. HURRAY!)
Oh. Will be taking M&E out on Sunday… off the books. – Got an e-mail fm “Matthew”, blogger of Nkd Pics of Yr Dd. (I’m not putting the whole name here.) Pretty neat. I replied. Cute. Eh? He’s in Providence. Ah, the WWWeb.)
BIZZY!
FOOD! I GOT FOOD! ATE DINNER! FOOD!
21.21 So, at about 9, I finally got out of here to wait an eternity for the Q22 (in frint of Bedlam) to the Tilden PO. – The compliments to NPS & HomeDepot are posted. On tolthe Q35 tolthe Nr.5(train) to GCT. TWO FABfotos to support my “Not Guilty” on the ticket! and into the MMLib to type the lettre/plea. Cleaned up the Photobkt5300715 too. All those “MetroPCS” logos! (And have cleaned out MANY photos on the phone too today.) – BOLT! Deposit TD and BACK to the Nr.5(train) for a night-mare-ish ride (some Dominican family w/their screechy little spore jumping all over) to The Junction. On a whim, a stop in Target. Came out of there w/TWO black shirts (19,97$ Not bad.) and on to the Q35 to Tilden for the Q22 to KeyFOOD! – Meat, pasta, bread, coffee, &c. FOOD! I haven’t really eaten in DAYS! But tonight: a burger w/about ,5lb pasta, some Little Debbie brownies, hafenhaf. FOOD! – RiteAid for cigs. Took the Q21 back from RiteAid! – Got back in at about 16.30. Orlando was in swing: thumpthumpthump, bangthedoor, thump. I put up the radio and got right to cooking. – After dinner (DINNER!), did the dishes. Oh, strained the pasta in the “new” strainer. How lovely! – Rang M&E: Moe’s claiming UTI, Ev’s beside her-self! Dee closed the case, recommended cranberry juice and Cipro. I said juice and 1000mg Vit.C. SO… what next Mr.G.? Surgery’s supposed to be Tuesday! REALLY NOW!
Napped for about 2 hours after eating. By about 19.30, Orlando stopped and Lorraine kicked in! I figured I’d wait and see… by about 20.30 she stopped.
And now (21.42) the butt-holes are screaming from the porch (and the Black Water crowd is on the street). It’s quite chilly tonight. I’ve the stainless mug on the burner (Imari… to kill the odour that was in here when I returned). 24,5* but chilly. Well, keep the vermin on the porch! – KHRNY went off again! Miserable schitz! And me? I figure I’ll try to finish the carpenters tonight, nap when possible. Maybe take in Tilden tomorrow…
PostTime: 21.56) OH! OH! OH! I got a “Wave” at the PO: Shirl Holt will be in Art Splash! NOT Jude K.! But Shirl Holt! The one who took the time and space to build her fiasco, then left it there (permanent exhibit) for MONTHS… AT NO FEE! It actually makes me physically SICK when I think about it! And dear friend on the Judging Committee forgets to tell me when the judging will be (even though we’d spent HOURS together whilst I wadhed the floor for HER comfort and worked a sweat before goung to work that day. – Gee. I suppose I should just forget it ever happened, make kissie-kissie and be cutesy-cutesy. Right? YEAH! FUGGHEDABOUDIT! FUKDATSHIT!
The End
(PostTime: 22.08) A Note: x3days now, my left eye has felt as though there’s a bit of something in it… like a tiny grain of something… in the back or behind the lower lid or… It oftrn itches, but rubbing doesn’t help. Today, ad I waited for the Q35 to Bklyn I noticed a “dead spot”! With right eye closed, I focused on 1 point and noticed how passing cars disappeared for a second. I know my eyes are scratched. I can see the “webs”, especially on cloudy days and whilst swimming. But now a blind spot? JOY!
(PostTime: 24.31) At 23.00 (on the 9th) I called 311 because Orlando was in full swing! At 23.33 I called again, but 311 turned the call over to 911. The general fracas has stopped. Now, at 0.23, the TV in Nr.7 is on and he’s thumping into the walls. Orlando, your son, in Iraq, should be so very proud of you, especially today, your “9/11”. You, and the other disrespectfull and inconsiderate shitbags in this house.
Well, it gives me more fodder for the courts. Especially now, with 911 calls. (On 911. Imagine that.)
Meanwhile, a cuff is stitched, I’ve had more brownies, the TV is low, the radio is dead air and I’m going to nap (seriously… nap. I doubt there’ll be much “sleep” around here). I can’t wait for the fall-out from this. I’m keeping the phone turned on tonight… just in case somebody comes knocking at my door… IMMEDIATE 911.
(PostTIme: 24.50) When I think: I went through 10 months in The Shelter to come into THIS! THIS; where the ONLY differences are a)a lock and key on the door to the room, b) I’m the only one in the room, c) I can cook my own food (when I have any) and d) I’m expected to PAY to be here. PAY for the “privilege” of being denied peace when I come here, being denied a good night’s sleep, having to call “security” almost every night, having to bleach the shower because something peed in it, having to cover the toilet seat because something shat on it. UNlike The Shelter, here, when the door is closed, the noise keeps coming. In The Shelter, the doors blocked MOST of the noise from the halls; and the ceilings, floors and walls were thick enough to block surrounding noise. In The Shelter, violence wasn’t as common AND RESPECT for others was pretty much the general order. We had disruptive Over-Nighters who came and went. Linens and pillows got stolen. But here, it’s just ALL THE TIME! One way or another, I’ve GOT to get OUT AND AWAY… ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. I didn’t survive The Shelter to come to THIS! (The TV’s off… the RockPark trash is now on The Blvd. Again, I didn’t survive The Shelter to come to THIS, where, tonight I “nap” with the light on… again!
(PostTime: 4.13 11Sept.) Fitful. Uncomfortable. On and off. Even dreaming of me dreaming. The “sleep” was horrible! And, at 3.58… BANG! Paper s from the over-head shelf came down on me! I woke with such a terrible start! The shelf is fine. Something must’ve shifted. But I woke, sick to my stomach in the dead silence. Well, I thought I’d nap and continue the cuffs. But I feel un-slept. I need to lie back down now. TIRED! EXHAUSTED!

11.Sep:
(10.21) I PURPOSELY DIDN’T HAVE A DRINK LAST NIGHT SO THAT…
I could wake at TEN?
With HEAD-ACHE?
Feeling MISERABLE?
OH THIS SHIT MUST GO!!! MUST MUST MUST GO!
“El Conor Pasa” plays on the radio. Instrumental music. I’m going to finish the cuffs and take a meditative stroll today.
13.02: Like clock-work, Lorraine, tippy-tapping. whilst Orlando stumble-fumbles and lets the door thump. This is Hell. After this, only Peace. – The first cuff had to be ripped. All 3 rows of stitching. Has to be re-done. And this morning’s stitches look as if I was stoned. I gave up and did my finger nails. – The sun is shining. I should go out into it. But where would I go, once oit the door? Tilden? For what purpose? Had I the snips, I’d make a path to the building behind B.K., clean it out a bit, turn it into my refuge. Had I the incentive, I’d go hide in 413. Had I the good sense, I’d wash t-shirts. Had I the mood, I’d work on that illumination for M&E. Had I better surroundings, I’d do water-colours. As it is, the left eye bithers me. I investigated, with Mag-light, at 4.00 this morning. Found nothing. Woke with a “film” over the eye. Perhaps a stie/stye? Perhaps something got in there whilst swimming? I just don’t know. – Is there salvage of this day? I doubt it. I’m thinking I should give in, go back under the covers. I’m annoyed, pissed, disappointed, disgusted. Waking at 10. HORRIBLE sleep over-night. Surrounded by nasty neighbours. Stuck here, financially. Can’t settle on a better income source. Can’t focus. I’m allowing the dregs to succeed. I truly must get out of this situation… truly must get out. – And my bowels are cramping.
(17.19) Music blasting on the porch. And I’m just waking up again. Screaming in the hall. ANXIETY! And the entire day is wasted. AGAIN! AND THE RADIO IS DEAD AIR AGAIN! I’m on the edge of an antcipatory-anxiety BREAK-DOWN. ALL I WANT IS A PEACEFUL PLACE! FK!FK!FK! Phil is in on this one now. It’s at the point where, all I have to hear is Orlando’s retard voice and my ENTIRE system snaps. I mean, my head feels as if it’s going to explode. Yes, this is remnant from child-hood trauma. That’s really what it is. A voice associated with poor behaviour and violence… banging, yelling. It’s an association. (The music is actually wonderful. Manhattans, that sort. Music I once enjoyed. Memories of Joyce. Good times. But now Orlando’s destroyed that! THIS DUMP and that ugly bitch down-stairs, D., has put the music into negative association. I MUST GET OUT OF HERE!) – I’ve put water on to boil. Pasta, mushroom-garlic soup over it. Shabbst is done in 2,5 hours. If necessary, there will be time to travel. To where? Even just on a bus, train, the mall, into The City, where-ever… just not here… AWAY. – So, let’s see what can be done meanwhile. Cuffs. Calmly. Eat. Shower. Out. OR… LAUNDRY! YES! I can make the wash. Disturb the Disturbers. FK’EM! FINE!
As I slept, a jumbled dream… Someplace, small, country town. I had a car. It wasn’t mine. I drove it about. It became a bike. It became a car. I’d be driving the car, then suddenly riding a bike. Parking the car. A store. I sold a set of sheets I crocheted borders on. 100$. The owner, woman, wouldn’t give me my money. I didn’t argue. Just left. The store was dark. (The rest of the dream was bright.)
-I just got a call from “Cell Phone NY”. I wonder…

CUFFED! Not my best work. Not even my better work. But the cuffs are on and iy took the better part of about 3hours to finish the job. (I’m having a double, neat to celebrate… and avoid the fact that I’m not showered… and not showering). Am I pleased with my work? No. Not really. Will it do? It will have to. It’s DONE. – Schmoozed with Ev at the end of Shabbat. Moe’s OK. Tomorrow’s still on. Let the weather be GOOD… NO RAIN. – The evening events on the porch stayed there. I think Mme.D. attended. There was a little yippie-dog on the floor. Could have been Pedro’s girl-friend. I’m not certain. But… I checked my door. No “luv notes from the super”. So there. And it’s been ENTIRELY TOO QUIET next doors (both sides). Orlando must be out. I expect Hell at some point during the night. Even Lorraine is still. There’s something TERRIBLY WRONG with this scenario. – The radio is low-key tonight. Rosh haShanna is done. Time to prep for Yom Kippur.
Earlier, they played “Alveinu Malchainu”. It gets to me. Isn’t that odd? I know there’s nobody I should be so emotionally ripped and torn because of. Still, there’s the sadness, sorrow, regretfulness. A sense of accountability and remourse. I think of Rabbi Lewis and her stress on the “at-ONE-ment”. It’s a matter of cleansing for the sake of that which is IN and not for that which is out. I must forgive (me) in order to be forgiven; must make amends (with self) in order to be “at-ONE-d”. I need to find a schul for the wk-end.
Brushed my teeth. The band broke. I took the opportunity to scrape and look. It’s a wonder I have a face! TERRIBLE in there! The upper left is BLACK! Roots showing! Rot! That my breath isn’t death. Maybe my jaw and skull actually ARE rotting away. Who knows?
Well. The pants are cuffed. Tomorrow I get M&E out of the flat. I do that for them, not me. I’m a good person, a good human, a good creature. I don’t destroy, cause trouble. I keep my word. I help others, sometimes to my detriment.
(PostTime: 23.56)I don’t maliciously cause problemmes or trouble. I live WELL BELOW modest. I’m so humble it’s murderous. I have needs that are certainly not met. I have wants I’ve lived with-out most of my entire existence. Fate/Life has been most unkind toward me. And I’m not wallowing in self-pity… I continue to DO SO MUCH for everybody else… and with-out thinking about it. And when I’m dead, as even now, I’ll be completely forgotten. Just and simply… forgotten. No big deal. At least for the “now”, I put SOME little joy in SOMEbody’s life.
And now… at 23.53, my drink is done, I think Orlando has returned (quietly), the house is in calm, and I, un-showered and VERY alone, will put out the light and HOPE for sleep. (The “sh’ma” on the radio? That would be nice.) (Nope. Not even that much.)

12.Sep:
(PostTime: 7.39) To die would mean nothing more than to surrender a nothing to nothing. but that would be impossible for the senses, for how could you, even as a nothing, consciously surrender yourself to the nothing, and not only to an empty nothing but rather to a roaring nothing , whose nothingness consists only in its incomprehensibility.
Kafka
4 December 1913
Diary
(PostTime: 8.04) The quote was the last thing I read, at just past 1.00 this morning, before giving up and putting out the light. – I almost slept through 2 alarms again this morning, 30 minutes apart. It was difficult to wake.
Strange DREAM:
Mum was taking us (children) to Germany. I (we, children) thought it was for a holiday, 3 days or so. Father in a foul mood. Didn’t speak much or often. Suddenly, something was said, I didn’t hear what, but I learnt we we were going for an indefinite time… MOVING! Just Mum and the kids. We were LEAVING! Going yo STAY with family. Maybe all together, maybe we’d be separated. I was heart-sick. I didn’t want to MOVE to Germany. ANGER! SWALLOWED ANGER through the dream. – We were in Helen’s car, going to the airport. We’d stopped for some noshes. I NEEDED the charger for my cell! We HAD to go back to the house for it! I BEGGED AND PLEADED! “With-out it (my cell) I’ll be cut frim ALL communications with anybody!” I was SO depressed. But, again, as with the anger, I swallowed my anxieties and depression. – I felt the internal swelling of the emotions. They bloated inside me like a steadily inflating baloon filling with liquid. THAT was the worst part of the dream.
-Now, the house is still. The beach-sheet is soaking. Sink-stench through the stopper woke me. I want to begin the illumination for M&E. I don’t want to begin it. I want to DO something. I want to go back to sleep. Sleep, dreams, are my escape from here, from this, from all. Even my worst dreams are only dreams. I can wake out of them. But I wake into this and can escape only by sleep. It’s all just ANGST, no matter what I do.
2 hours, off to M&E. Let it NOT rain.
(8.11) An idea for a personal illumination: Atropa.
Thoughts into sleep last night: On the beach. Atropa martini. The potency decreased. Causes only convulsions. I stagger into the waves. One large wave pounds me to the sand. The under-tow pulls me out into the rise of the next wave which pounds me down again. I let my body go limp. I inhale deeply, drawing water into my lungs. I worry only about being washed to shore where people will find my body and insist upon burying it in the ground.
The last thoughts before sleep. Torturous.
(10.02) MILE END DELI – Brooklyn! – Noah(Owner) fm D.D.O.! – POUTINE QUEBEC!
Meanwhile, it’s going to be a night in the loo. The nerves, the poor diet, the aggrevation even now (Nr.7 is still at his boo-hoo music. JUST loud enough to come through the wall), the rent strike…
But, well, we 3 made it to T7. I parked beside Penelope’s car, in front of T6, in front of a row of cars. – On to T7 where, as fate would hold, Shirl happened to be standing just inside the door. She looked up at me and asked “Hug? Please?” I couldn’t be cruel. We hugged. She said “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I said “Me too.” She thanked me. How sweet! How nice. How I don’t trust it. But I know better than to meddle in any of her efforts again. So it’s OK with Shirl.
We 3 took in the exhibit. Some very nice works. Some utter jokes. It was quite interesting (to me) to find how “belonging” I felt and yet “removed” at the same time. People with whom I spoke, others I avoided.
Penelope greeted M&E MOST GRACIOUSLY and said hello to me. I merely said “Hello” and left it at that. She got the message and left me alone for the duration.
I got to tell Jose about the lettre of compliment I’d sent. He thanked me. We sat together at a table for a moment. Then I went to sit w/M&E.
Geoff, Tony, Chris were chatty. Nice.
Joan’s paintings TRULY impressed me. She’s really quite talented! Shirl had Maggie set-up (of course). Penelope had centre.
Spoke with Liz G. for a while. I enjoy her company and she seemed to enjoy mine today.
Time to leave… Janet helped Moe and Ev down the stairs to the car! It was almost cute.
Off we went, in the rain. They wanted to go back to Frenasia, but there was no parking to be had. So, since they couldn’t think of another place, I headed to Atlantic Ave. and Brooklyn… MILE END.
Quite the trip: ALL the way across Brooklyn! Through E.NY and other such neighbourhoods. M&E were quite fascinated. Moe is always impressed with how I navigate about (maps are a wonderful resource).
(PostTime: 10.25)The place is small (a converted 2-car garage), crowded, contemporary music, benches, younger crowd. It was on the cool side, doors and windows open. Moe asked that the window be closed. They obliged.
Lunch? Ev had smoke-meat sandwich (kept calling it cornedbeef!), Moe (poor Moe & his restricted diet): “St.Viateur” bagel/cream cheese, scrambked eggs. Me? POUTINE QUEBEC! NOT BAD! Not Quebec… fancy mushroom gravy, curd-type cheese. But certainly nit bad. And the place smelled delightfully of smoke-meat as soon as we walked in! – I ate TOO much TOO quickly! After, Noah, the young owner came to chat and tell the hx of the place and his philosophy. Mentioned another place, in Queens, where the owner/chef is Quebecois. Must look it up and try. – The bill came to about 24$. I still don’t know how much the poutine was. Must find out… for future.
(By the way… I took the kippa off, knowing what I wanted for lunch.)
The trip back to their flat was much better: BQE-LIE direct to Woodhaven. If not for the traffic, it would have been a snap. (Later, Moe said it was a place they’d like to go back to. I think the quick trip back made it more palatable.) (Oh, and he was, again, so impressed with my direct navigation back. He should only know how impressed I am with my navigation! DRIVING round Queens and Brooklyn ad if I’d been doing so for years. ME! Having seldom left The Bronx (so many years, so many miles in the Past… my HOME… GONE. A new life… TRULY! Re:written,scripted,lived.)
When we got to the flat, the cramps! Off to the loo! JUST in time. Nerves. Nothing more or less. But no “incident” (Jeannine, where are you these days?). – We talked about Tuesday. We expect it to be a ridiculously early day. – Time to leave. The rain stopped. I got the 53bus back to Bedlam where relative quiet prevailed. Then had to get to Duane Reade for cigs. All so calm in RockPark… un-like in Bedlam.
SO. JUST back in from the stroll, TO THE LOO! It’s still pushing. JUST MADE IT TOO!
22.31 Nr7 went quiet. Nr5 went quiet. KHRNY was rockin’ “rikkidim”. Tomorrow’s sched. is rather full: get the ticket posted, check some Photobuckets, job-search/education help frim SIBL, find a schul for Yom Kippur (probably West End Temple here) and others. HOPING for an EARLY start. Tuesday will probably be QUITE an EARLY (and VERY LONG) day.
I got to wear my black carpenters, black sweat-shirt, black Hawaiian shirt, new black kippa, white sneakers. Pretty good.
Now? The guts are churning. Anticipatory Anxieties. May it all calm during this night, in the coolness.
OH. Shirl was a Clinical Social Worker. Degree from Adelphi. She volunteered the info to Ev. Social Worker. Hmmpf. Explains much… BEWARE!
R/T Penelope: M&E rather insisted I make amends. I explained: this is 2ce she’s pulled nonsense (and I omitted that I’m hurt that I couldn’t get into THIS exhibition… of ALL of them!) and I won’t put my-self in a position for possibke 3rd. Furthermore, I don’t feel any loss in my life not having her in it. All true. But I expect it to be brought up many more times. Well Penel, SHIRL apologised for hurting my feelings… YOU didn’t. You think I’ll just let it float by? Not bloody likely. I could have made a buck or 2 when I NEED it MOST. But YOU fked it up, then took an ATTITUDE with ME! Ani choshev sh’lo! B’seder? Maspeek. Shalom v’LO l’hitra’ot.
On that… NAP TIME!
What a day!

13.Sep:
(PostTime: 7.01) No matter what time I try for sleep (and no matter how much I get) it’s never enough of late and wakin’up is hard to do. If Moe has to be in by 6 tomorrow, I msy suggest staying there over-night tonight. Instead of having to wake here at 2 or 3. – Tummy’s not settled this morning, chance of rain in the forecast, and I’m VERY tired. But, there’s a list of Must-To-Do’s and I must to do them. So, away we go…
17.26 Nr.4 is being cleaned-up. HERE WE GO AGAIN! Missy D. was on the floor when I got in. But I managed to get IN un-seen. Wanted to cook. Had 3 Entenman Super Cinnamons instead. (The Riverdale Diet)
The day? By 9 I was at Staples. Copied the info for the ticket. Walked up to the PO at 71st. It’s out. Cert./Ret.Rcpt. – Caught the 23 bus to the F into The City. MMLib PC 11.30. Photobuckets. Created, searched, cleaned, ran out of time. Off to the train again. Pearl. 2 gold metalic pens, xtra fine. (I thought I might get some art done tonight… Think again.) On to the A (I thought I’d get back to Bedlam, cook a burger, prep for tomorrow. Think again.) Decided to finish the Photo-clean-up at Far Rock. Took the A to Mott (half-dozed along the way). Almost instant PC there! An hour later, the photos are cleaned, Bedlam and D/A buckets running. Good stuff.
THEN IT BEGAN…
The bus was MOBBED so I took the train to BC for the shuttle. THOUGHT (so much thinking) I’d get something to have after the burger. NO STOP AT SEASIDE! ALL the way to B116. Got the 35bus BACK to B108 and went to KeyFood… AND THEN…
(I’m exhausted. Need to close my eyes a moment… in the Nr7 banging.)
As I’m at the cash, the phone: Moe has to be AT HOSPITAL BY 5.30! TOMORROW! So… I’m going to spend the night in Glendale.
THEN I come into Bedlam to the shouting in the hall.
19.26 At 19.00 I started to get ready ro leace. BANG FLASH THUNDER SHOWER! As I come down the stairs: MISSY D. WITH THE MAIL!
I’m icky from the day. My back is kicking up. Anf here I am on the 53 heading off to the Main-land. OH JOY!
4am wake-up!

14.Sep:
24.09 A cig. A drink (SO OVER-TIRED!). Window-fan only (med). On the bed (nekkid). SILENCE. BEDLAM!
13Sept.: Arr’d M&E about 20h. What a night! We went to bed about 23h. I managed to put the Bedlam photos to Photobucket AND clean it up on Moe’s PC before trying for sleep (which didn’t come). – 3h WAKE-UP! NO SLEEP. I had my coffee, smoke on the catwalk. Shower. Out by about 4.20. Tunnel into The City. Beit I srael AT 5.00! Temp. parking on 16th until 7h. – Moe was AMAZING at reg./chk-in! Didn’t seem nervous. Told me how much he (and Ev) appreciated my help, concern, support. Y’know? I do very goodlby them. – I teared when Moe went in for prelim. check-in. He’s just such a miracle. – Had to move the car. Drove round. Found a space at Av.A/13th until 11. Walked back. Moewas up to OR when I got back. Ev took me to Ambrosia (1st/16th) for pancake bkfst.
Points:
. Met Sue Finger. She’d heard about me.
. We waited for sueg. Almost 3 hrs.
. I moved csr. Went to 14th for gas.
Sorry. I’m just too tired.

15.Sep:
(8.04) So much for the 6am alarm. And I’m still tired… abd it’s very cool in here this morning.
(8.35) Meanwhile back… Sue heard about my helping M&E fm. a neighbour in Waubeeka! Sue lives in PeterCooper, the nghbr. lives in Queens. And my rep is out. (So where’s my extral work?)
I had to move the car at 11 and whilst doing, took it over to 14th/12th for gas. The old bldg. on 14th is now quite diff. GourMET mkt is now fancy-schmancy restaurant! The steak-house is a diff. eatery. The old “Meat Packers” are chic boutiques. The MPD is GONE! – Filled the tank (3,51$/gal. at 29,29$!) and put in some fuel injectr clnr. Drove back to Av.A/12th. – Moe was finally out of surg. when I rang Ev. All had gone very well…
On my walk back to Hosp., I rang T&V Synagogue. NO PLACE LEFT FOR THE WK.END! So I rang W.E.Temple… they’ve reserved a tkt. for me! Yom Kippur at the Reform temple. (Or, I can still go Orthodox at 23rd. But I think I’ll go Reform.)
Whilst Moe was in Recovery, Ev and I went to DunkinDonuts for cold coffee. I brought her to Associated on 14th. Got 2 boxes jelly donuts! (If they only knew HOW I know the area so well… I wonder…) The memories associated w/those donuts! – We then went to the fountain in Stuy.Town to sit, have coffee/donut (only 1 ea.). It was very relaxing there… little mice scampering about w/squirrels and birds and such.
Back to Hosp. Moe finally moved to a room. We went up.
HE WAS JUST ASTOUNDING! GREAT PALOUR! IMMEDIATELY PUNNED. TALKATIVE. JUST ASTOUNDING! AND ONLY 2 SMALL DRESSINGS OVER THE INCISIONS! So UNlike the butchering I’d gotten at Einstein. WONDERFUL! And the staff was just marvelous!
I learn now that there’s a “PCA”: Pt.Care Associate. The do phleb. and such… LPN work. No more LPNs.
Met Dr. Karpeh. A TRUE “MENSCH” as Ev says. Just a remarkable person.
Well, at 19.30 I went for the car. We were off and back to Queens. Moe was safe, sound and doing unbelievably WELL!
Dinner at “Mama’s” and I got the car to come back to Bedlam.
(8.51) (It’s really quiet in here this morning. *** And, by the way… I do believe Helene’s moved out. Het windows are no longer covered. Lucky bitch! Had I NOT lost all that work and sleep because of her noise, I TOO could be in a better place today! See how THAT worked-out? ***)
It’s going on 3 days of no BM. I’m going to suffer soon. And 2 iver-nights w/Moe coming. Anxieties due to this dump. – Lorraine was stirring at mid-night last night. If not for that drink, I probably would NOT have fallen to sleep! THIS is NO WAY to exist! – Now, to get me together. Tkt at the Temple. Need cigs. Need MetroCard. Need to shower and pack. Need to s#!t. Could use more sleep. Need to consider remuneration for these days. So much! One item at a time…
(8.55) NOTE: Ladt night, coming back, I just wanted to walk away from this place. Then thought how I’d done that before and ALL that I’ve lost because of my DEFEATISM. NOT AGAIN! No more of this “walking away” stuff. NO MORE!

16.Sep:
(PostTime: 8.55)15 September. (16 September 8.41 at M&E) This morning, after a pretty good sllep last night, Ev rang. Moe is to be discharged today! So I packed a few things in preparation for the “over-nighters” to come, took my shower and headed for the car. I took advantage of having the car and went to the W.E. Temple to get my TICKETS FOR YOM KIPPUR (I was well-received, though very quick. And the Temple is really quite impressive, though I didn’t get to the sanctuary and didn’t take the time to “tour”.), and then to the P.O. at Tilden (where there is still no mail in the PO Box.) – From there, I went to RiteAid on Woodhaven for cigs and then to get Ev. – We drove into The City, I dropped Ev at hospital and went for parking back in the East Village where I HAD to pay (5,00$) for parking for 2 hours. – Moe looked rather well and the staff was pressing his discharge. I didn’t feel all too comfortable about his leaving and he didn’t seem too sure of him-self. But he wanted to leave. The discharge took several hours (as usual) and as it turned out, I had to pay (not out of my own pocket) for additional parking on 16th St. – Whilst waiting, I went to Dunkin Donuts for coffee and donuts. I was HUNGRY! – We got Moe to the car and came back to their flat via the back streets (I tried to avoid the rough streets/bumps). – Got in at about 20h. – Ev made frnaks and beans for her and me. Moe was not hungry and had only half portion of oatmeal. – As we sat at table, I noticed his stomach distending. He’s not passing gas and his bowels are not moving yet! I’m rather concerned (8.52 I’m at the PC. The VNS Nurse is here to re-open the Home Care case. I have to go to the loo but can’t now because we can’t let VNS know that I’m here!) – So, by about 21.25, Moe got ready for bed. He’s just the most amazing person! Walking about as if all was completely well. SO MUCH BETTER than I was when I had only one hernia repaired. But I’m very concerned about the bloating. – Well, Ev and I sat at table, had a tea before retiring. Believe it or not, we didn’t settle-in until about 1.00 on Thursday morning!
16 Sept. 8.46 Before I got to sleep, I managed to get most of the photos on the Bedlam blog! This morning, I woke at about 6.30, got them ALL posted. That one is up-to-date. YAY! (Now I can take the photos off my phone. They’re in a photobucket and on file at wordpress now.) – I’ve had my coffee and morning smoke and JUST IN TIME! I no sooner got in from my smoke and the VNS Nurse arrived! – At 8.30, they began the work on the cat-walks here. The rumbling and vibrating. Quite the wake-up. Anyway, I’m relieved that the Bedlam blog is done and that I can take the photos off the phone. Now to see what the results of the VNS visit will be. If all goes well, I’ll be back on the
9.25 The HHA showed this morning! NOT the VNS Nurse! Progressive Agency! They never closed the case to begin with and when Beth Israel VNS notified whom-ever, Progressive got the case back and NOT PIC!! This is going to throw a bit of a wrench into things. So Ev said that I can take the car, take the day and what-ever. Me? I want PIC to get the case, I want ME to get the case so that M&E can get me for the 3hrs/day covered, plus any extra time they need.
Moe looks really, REALLY well this morning. He’s passed some gas, his stomach is softer and he’s resting. I’m relieved.
Now, to figure what to do with the rest of this day…
Always something!
(PostTime: 9.30)PS: I dont’ want to go back to Bedlam… I’ll sleep… maybe. But I just dont’ want the confrontation that may happen (because of the rent situation). And there’s no place I really want to go to in the car. I’d set this day aside for Moe and no contingency. Silly me! – It’s a damned shame that I don’t want to go “home”. A REAL damned shame!

17.Sep:
(PostTime: 23.36)WOW! (16 Sept.) It turned out to be QUITE the day! In the car and onto The Belt (1st time) to Flatbush and Ave.U. Lowes. Modtly to browse, but I got a new “tallit carry bag”! Not exactly what I’ve wanted, but close enough. – Then back on The Belt to Erskine, the Gateway Mall. There’s a HomeDepot, Bed Bath and Beyond (I got Ev a new auto-can-opener… a gift which she accepted as such, I’m happy to say), Target, Marshall’s and more. I didn’t get to all. But the B13 stops right there (for future ref). – Next stop, Tretter’s where Mary avoided me, Steven came out to talk at some length (gave me a pkg of lox because nobody in the house can eat them). But I wonder why Mary avoided me. What-ever. – Drove up to RiteAid on Woodhaven, 3pks cigs (rather cheap) and back to M&E by about 17.00…
THEN IT HIT! TORNADOES! THEY CAME IN FROM THE WEST, MOVED RIGHT ALONG THROUGH, BETWEEN MYRTLE AND METROPOLITAN! IT WAS ASTOUNDING AND AWE-SOME! THE RAIN SLAMMED INTO THE BLDG! THE RAIN WAS SO HEAVY IT GREYED-OUT EVERYTHING OUT-SIDE THE WINDOWS. AND I DO MWAN “EVERYTHING”! JUST GREY OUT THE WINDOW! THE WIND PUSHED THROUGH, WHISTLING! WE WATCHED IT ALL COMING, FROM MANHATTAN/BROOKLYN. THE VIEW WAS JUST UNBELIEVABLE! AND IT CAME, HIT, AND LEFT IN MOMENTS. WHAT A SIGHT! WHAT AN EXPERIENCE! JUST NOTHING SHORT OF ASTOUNDING! THE REPORTS WERE 1 DEATH, SEVERAL CARS CRUSHED BY FELLED TREES, TOTTENVILLE ALMOST DEVASTATED. WE WERE QUITE LUCKY.
Tonight I ate rather well. Moe ate rather well. And shortly after dinner, which they eat late, even Ev was quite tired. I tried to journal on their PC but just couldn’t stay awake…
But Moe is doing MUCH better. His resilience is truly something to behold!
(PostTime: 23.54)HAD MORE JOURNALLED! POOF! GONE! TOO BLOODY TIRED NOW.
LORRAINES AT HER SHIT AT 23.52!
I MUST DO WHAT’S NEEDED TO GO TO NEPONSIT.
GOT IN ABOUT 23.00. NICE SVCE.
MAKING MANY MISTAKES!

18.Sep:
(PostTime: 8.35) (17 Sept.) To finish the week, after Moe had breakfast, I removed the dressings from the sites. Quite interesting: He heals remarkably well and the incisions are very neat. So he showered. I put in extra effort, considering all he’d been through. – Ev got a call from the VNS Nurse: since they’re considering this “planned surgery” and he was in hospital less than 3 days, they won’t provide home care! Dee is trying to work in that and is hoping to change it by Monday. I told PIC I’d be available on Monday (to work for M&E) and now I’m concerned they’ll give me another client for the week! We have to wait and see.
Well, no more car again. I got the bus back. Arr’d with just enough time to scarf 4 jelly donuts and halfnhalf, change clothes and head to the West End Temple for services.
I walked…
About 30 minutes from here to there. Not bad.
The place is quite nice. A LOT of wood. The sanctuary is quite contemporary but pleasant (and “Reform”). Nobody really came to speak accept Rabbi Slome. When I said I’m “intrigued”, she asked: “You’re not from a Reform back-ground?” When I mentioned Riverdale Temple she replied “Yes. Judy Lewis.” And I remembered that the Reform seem to know other rabbis.
The service was very English. “alvienu malchainu” brought some tears to my eyes. Something about that chant. They have organ and piano, a trumpeter and choir.
But one thing I must note: I did feel very “solo”… quite alone at the end. I truly miss T&V. And I miss the comfort of the Masorti.
Walked the boards back from 126. I truly need to move to the west. So nice. So peaceful. So clean. So civil.
Got back about 23.00 and right to bed.

(PostTime: 8.37) Today, I’m so tired. Woke with the alarm. Yes, had coffee, cigs. And now I must get moving.
(PostTime: 20.37) The fast is broken… More important: I made it (save, the coffee). Tempted? Oh yes. The break between services, I came back (for a cigarette) and a NEEDED glass of water. When I opened the fridge… FOOD! TEMPTATION! I bolted right out the door and back to schul. Anyway, I had a burger, re-heared pasta, chips… v-pom… then 2 Entemans super cinnamon (halfnhalf). YUM-ME! Dishes are done. It’s DONE! I MADE IT!
Services were… well… not-so-Jewish. Too much English. But “avienu malkhienu” got to me every time. Yizkor did too. I just felt SO separated from Jews, from familiarity, from people. Different people, not too friendly, not enough Hebrew. The Reform are tryly wonderful in their Judaism and “enlightenment” and such. But what’s missing is 5771 years of Tradition. I miss that. – Still, there;s the woman who works in the synagogue… Catholic, from Breezy! Came rushing out to ask me how I liked the service. And the couple (him w/Rollator, her w/sunglasses due to cararact surgery) and the “51” year-old son who spoke. Kind people. Invited me to come on Friday nights . (The walk is only about 30 mins.) Other-wise… not so much conversing. The morning service was “attended”. The Yizkor was PACKED! (So was the children’s svce. for that matter.) Afternoon/evening svce. was quite empty… until the end. But there was FOOD to be had after svce. I could have stayed to break fast but it was before sun-set and I wanted a smoke. So I left, walked back, came in, started dinner and by the tume it was ready, the sun was gone, Shabbat and Yom Kippur were done. Timing. – I’m rather proud of me for having made it through.
Rang Ev. Moe’s good. VNS wanted to send a Nurse for eval today. Ev declined, would rather wait for Dee on Monday (better chances of getting svce. w/Dee but now I hang, waiting for wird from them). But Moe’s well. I’m happy.
SO. Orlahdolhad his grand-son over. Phil said “Good luck” to me this morning because of it. (Only now, 20.35, the TV is on over there. But I was out all day.)
Cont…

19.Sep:
8.58 and out of bed and ready for a nap. It didn’t take long to fall asleep last night… even with the radio a-blastin’. MY radio. In Hebrew. Now? To concoct an agenda du jour. I reallytruly need to make a wash. But I reallytruly don’t want to schlep and I reallytruly don’t want to battle for a machine. I could go into The City, library, work on 8539266. I reallytruly need to do that. Or, I could take a little trip to Norwood. That could be depressing. Could cruise The River. Could finish coffee and nap. Will check the weather.
Had a DREAM:
Don’t remember it. Something about a tornado. Not remarkable. Half-woke out of it, annoyed.
Orlando just woke. TV blasted, momentarily. THE SINK GURGGLED AND THE STENCH! (I was remiss. No stopper. I caught it. Can’t wait for an inspection now. If/when the notice comes, the inspection comes. Dept. of Health and all. I wonder if the Mgmt. knows.)
OK! ON with this day.
(PostTime: 12.43)Cleaned more imgs fm this phone. Then cleaned me hfstm (and now I’ve headache, it was ine of those, but very productive I must say). And now I’m going to rest/nap. I think InkSplash opens at RAA today. How that matters, it doesn’t. Laundry? Tomorrow EARLY! And I’ve art that needs to be done (55 and illum.). Y’know? I didn’t sleep well Mon.-Sat. the week past. Did a lot of walking yesterday. Rest is not out of the equation. So, I shall rest. If there’s anything left of the day, I’ll play it from that point. (I’m just getting/have gotten old.)
19.00 Y’wanna know what I did ALL day? Jakshit! Cleaned-out the back-pack, filed my nails, had 2 burgers, did the dishes. sorted some papers. PERIOD! Did NOT shower or brush teeth. Did NOT want to come out from under the covers at nap. DID want to go to Target/Gateway. DID figure the transport (MUCH closer than I thought!). DID smoke ENTIRELY too much. And DID toss more images to Photobuckets. And did NOT venture out my door. LAY-Z! But… I don’t really care all too much. Not really. HOWEVER, tomorrow morning I SHALL make the wash. AND will get on the FoodStamps/Medicaid issue. AND the PCT issue. It’s a “new year” and time to get into the things I’m actually entitled to… since I dodged Atropa. OH I’m just SO fed-up!
(PostTime: 22.53)I have to do something about this auto-shut-the-fk-off thing on this phone. I was almost done when POOF! EVERYTHING IS GONE! To re-begin (and finish):
OO-oo-oo! I got out, past my door! SHOWERED! Big journey, that. But I feel much better. And no lotions tonight. Let the skin breathe. – But it was a 2-load-drop today so that can’t be all bad. Eh? – ButtholeNr.7 cut the TV just past 22.00. Just waiting for ButtholeNr.5 to commence. I mean, O! FORBID! that “normal” people should get ANY rest at night in this mad-house! JUST FORBID! – Went through 11 cigs today. Staying in this place isn’t at all healthy. – But tomorrow, IMMEDIATELY, is LAUNDRY! This bed hasn’t been done since, probably, end of MAY or beginning of JUNE! I’m (almost) SO ashamed. The linens in The Shelter were fresher. So ‘splain me dat! I’m even MORE depressed HERE? Just too much. I don’t care. WTF has happened to me? Just WTF has happened to me?
Well, a light night-cap (another something I didn’t resort to in The Shelter), a little Kafka and lights out. KHRNY is on-air. Soft music. I’m becoming very familiar with their programming. Imagine? If I’d pay attention, I’d learn lyrics. – I wonder, of late: How would it be to go back to haAretz to stay? And then I think of stories… NO BETTER, PROBABLY MUCH WORSE. But… Yesterday, coming and going to/from services, I didn’t feel comfortable passing B116. Didn’t feel comfortable coming into the house. At least I wouldn’t have THAT in haAretz. Then again, as Ev pointed-out: historicaly, the World has tried to wipe Jews out… but here we are. There really is strength and shrewdness and QUITE the survival. (I STILL NEED TO GET THE FK OUT OF ROCK PARK!) (How I was SO happy to be here, not so long ago.)
Kafka.
laila tov… Good-night.

20.Sep:
(PostTime: 6.07) DREAM: I had a VW Beetle. Old. Blue. It was in an accident(?) and in for repair. My insurance covered only part of the cost. The old man (really him in dream) calc’ed the insurance coverage. Told me he’d cover the difference (220.00$). We were in his car. He picked-up a car-phone and said “McGuyver.” and hung-up. We drove to his office. It was night. The office: Ground floor, all glass, several inches thick! He went to his desk for something and we left. Next thing, I’m in a little store buying a large straw beach-hat and little toys. Didn’t have my debit card with me. Had to go to parking lot for it. I delayed the queue so I left the hat and toys with 2 employees who were sitting at a counter. One put the hat on. “Carmen!” (Miranda) I said. The other guy nodded and laughed. I went out to the parking lot. It was FULL of VW Beetles, brand new, gold, crowns on top. One pulls out, it had a rack on top. A REALLY obvious paint-job. Bumpy, shoddy spray-paint job. 2-tone gold. HUGE tyres on it! It was mine! A short, ugly mechanic with wavy reddish hair, painted it. When I yelled that I wanted it BACK to BLUE he told me that the gold was all the rage now and he wanted MORE money for doing me the favour! I kept YELLING to put it back to blue! Went into the car. Pee’d in a toilet that was in the car, in front of the old man (who approved of the changes), whilst yelling at the mechanic. He threatened that he had “friends”. I told him I’ll destroy his business. I went back into store to pay, yelling at him whilst in the store. He threatened he’d make things difficult for me. I didn’t care about his threats and started to contact Better Business and the police (but I had/had not a phone. I was actually only thinking the contact but it was happening.)… I woke.
(PostTime: 6.25)I woke just before 5.17 (which is when I turned on the phone to check the time… the alarm was set for 5.30, the auto-on was set for 6.30 from the wk-end). AS I woke, the radio came into my gradual consciousness. At first, I tried to go back to sleep to wait for the alarm. If I’d gone back to sleep, I might have over-slept. I MUST make the wash this morning! – There’s a lot of banging out-side. Must be extremely windy out there. Things rattling. – I’m fatigued this morning. But that’s become normal. It’s 21,5* in here. – At 7.30 I’ll strip the bed, get to the laundry. Should be done by 9.30/10.00. – Dee is supposed to eval Moe today. We’re hoping that PIC doesn’t give me another case before his is opened. – My Deer Stags dug into the back of my foot on Saturday. I have to figure what to wear to do laundry. – I wonder what prompted that dream. I wonder what/how I woke on time this morning. It certainly wasn’t enough sleep. Just less than 5 hours. I’ll have to function on it though. – After laundry? Make appointment at JCCRP. If not today, maybe a trip to Erskine, just to get out of here for the day. Being in here is not good. Or the library/ies to log 8539266. That needs to be done. It’s almost complete. – There are things to do… I just MUST do them.
(PostTime: 6.36)Imagine? Hurricane Igor is right out there, in the Atlantic (600mi. fm Montauk) and the nation is quite clear. And me? I had NO idea. (But I saved the pic. of the weather map this morning. Must include some-how. It’s interesting to see.) – Well, almost time to get rolling. (I’m sleepy now. Figgerz.)
(PostTime: 7.24) Just read today 2008: Bellevue… Saw Debra (HHA) who offered to take me in; PEACE Ochiaga gave me hope; Dennis got shipped to Forbell. – Back then, I was there. Today, I’m here, on my way back to there at this rate. – I’M SOOOOoooo TIRED!
14.52 MMLib WELL! THIS has been a day: Got the wash done. Not only was the place quiet, I got 2 great washers, splurged in Oxy (and could have gotten them for free but I’m too honest… and don’t want to lose the QuickSpin) and 2 great dryers that kept adding time! EVERYTHING dried perfectly. – Fresh bed tonight. YAY! – Changed addresse on Modell’s card… over the phone. – Showered and went to the PO. Had to wait a bit, so I sat under the tree… BEAUTIFUL DAY! PERFECT! – Rang JCCRP. Left a msg for Jacquie whilst waiting for the PO to open. – OK! The recpt. fm. the tkt. plea arrived. A statement fm. TD. AND ANOTHER THREAT-NOTE FROM PIC! OBVIOUSLY they got MY lettre because THAT’S the ONLY way they’d have the new addresse. Anyway, I have until the 30th to call and 7.Oct. to take a case. – (This very table reaks of rotting Homeless! BLOODY DISGUSTING!) – Spoke with Moe. Arranged to stop by this evening for his shower. Then, on the train/(B)bridge, Ev calls to say that Dee will be coming for eval today. So, I won’t go there until later. (I WANT the exrra time!) – When I’m done here, heading to Target/Erskine then to Moe. – Time to get my PC and type more to the 8539266 (I hope). – Busybusybusy. But NOT sitting about moping. Right? (OH FK ME NOW!)
22.32 Q21 Pitkin. Had entred some but got the fking Power Off blitz! Changed the time to 23.59. – I got ONE day on the 8539266. ONE! Yom Kippur 2008. Typed a residency lettre, sent to print and forgot about it! Probably for the better just now. AS I was leaving the lib, Ev rang (16.10 or something), Dee had visited: 3hrs/day x 3days/wk. Ev offered to make up some extra time. I left that up to her. I know it’s to keep me available for them, but it’s costly. – Then on the D to W.4th and the A to Euclid to the B13 to THE MALL! Target! AND THE BAGS! I GOT THE BAGS! YAY! And paper towels for Ev. Even better? The 13 goes to Myrtle! TWO busses and there I was. – Moe showered. I stayed for dinner. (22.41 No. Channel Br.) Stuffed cabbage (fm. Beth), matzah ball soup, coffee. YUM! – I’ve been invited to dine in Beth’s sukkah on SUN. and do Tksgvg at Lois’. Of course, w/M&E… If I don’t drive, they don’t go. Cute. – And now I’m on the bus w/the driver I’ve had a bit of a crush on for some time. What a shame… no hope. – 22.46 So. Channel… THE ROCK. – Meanwhile, Dee put in for me on the case. Let’s see IF I get the call.
(PostTime: 24.33) I… am showered. I… am lying on a CLEAN bed. I… am having a smoke. I… have had a vodka-neat. I… have used ONE box of the Zip-Lock bags and I… have made a WORLD of difference! IT… is remarkable. I could get rid of one under-bed plastic containers! I can SEE where things are! They’re stacked nicely now. And I got the really big and huge bags but even the plain large bags would have worked well. I’m… a FAN!
When I got in, Orlando STILL had the TV going so I went directly to the shower (clean bed, clean me). In NO mood. But TV went off round about 23.00. Still too late. But better than 1.00. I went right to work bagging. I still have the cordouroy shirt (the one I seldom wore being gone) and sweat-shirt from Tilden/Bellevue. I doubt I’ll ever part with them. I still wear the jeans, but the shirts are tattered. Memories. So little remains. – And now, a little Kafka and some sleep. Tomorrow (later) might be agency work. (If not, I’m going to raise some VERY SERIOUS HELL.)
The little window fan is already screwing up. One fan is a bit jammed. All that money for less than ONE season! I’m writing the company. But not tonight. I REALLY have to get some sleep. – KHRNY on the air. Hebrew in the house… for sleep tonight.

21.Sep:
(8.44)It’s 18* in here this morning and I’m in grey sweats. The day has begun. So, since yesterday went so well, lemme aks: From whence shall come the whammy to-day?
(9.59)The tide is HIGH. The bay is placid. The sun is hot. And I am on the bus to Moe… back on PIC time. ZAP!
At 19.28 the “accomplishments” of the day: As I journalled, wondering if I should ring PIC, Sharma rang me (9.10); Moe is on and so am I. 2 days/6hrs this wk. I took it (of course). By 10 I was on the Q53. I clocked-inlat 10.31! That time included the walk from Myrtle! – A charming 3hrs but a little odd when I thought about being on PIC. But it moved right along and I actually tarried until about 16.00. – When I got backlto RockPark, stopped at the new “Beach 99” store. Same shit, different store. But I got laundry soap, dryer sheets (for packing), some scented votives (not very good), a can of evap.milk and “Jaffa” peach nectar (OK stuff). – In. A burger for dinner. The last 4 jelly donuts for dessert. – Meanwhile, washed the black carpenters and t-shirt. WOW! The black that came out of THEM! – Put the dryer sheets intolthe Zip bags. Packed. – Repaired the window fan. The one on the right squeaked badly! I WD40’d both. Seems to be eorking OK now. – And now, at 19.40, I’m almost ready for sleep. Tomorrow, we drive into The City to Un.Sq. Maybe another 8hrs. Ev wants me to stay w/Moe on Fri. whilst she joins friends in The City. Maybe another 8hrs. That would be so very nice. There’s 4c waiting for dep. 160 would give 560. On my way to new rent. Then there’ll be the PIC this wk (What? 30? Fk. But it would be 590. No complaints… yes there is. I NEED MORE! QUICKLY!) – And Orlando came in w/a few bangs and tossed some liquid in the plumbing… I caught the plug in time. – I’m trying to decide about a shower. Am tired. No cocktails tonight. One left in the bottle but I don’t want the “wearies” in the morning. I have to be on an 8.00 bus and on the roads at about 9. No time to “enjoy” tonight. – 9 days left to this month. It’s GONE! AUTUMN tomorrow. Where did the Summer run to? – And I think of Penel. The “scarce”, Art Splash, bags NOT at HomeDepot… it continues to annoy. MUCH annoys me these days. – I SHOULD have had my Atropa martini. BUT… I didn’t. I just… didn’t.

22.Sep:
5.40 At 4.30, the phone turned on. I was semi-awake already. I don’t know why. I had terrible head-ache. At 4.31: “hoda’ah”. Schmulik. “Dark place” again. The sx? The meds? Or psych. pre-disposition? What-ever. A year ago today I found him again. I’ll have to review a Journal entry for the details. But imagine? A year already. – So, I shot-off an e-mail to him already. Then put the “greens” into the basin to soak. (My neighbours don’t consider me at 21h. I “consider” them at 5h.) Last night’s “blacks” are still damp. – Oh, last night, the heavy stench of insence wafted in! Disgusting! – As I considered putting the wash in to soak I thought “What if…” (which was, ironic, the gist of Schmulik’s msg. this morning) “somebody comes in here to remove me today – illegally – and my wet clothes are hanging here? It’s not so different from the days at W101/D18 when I’d hang wash on the locker.” Ah… the “fond” memories of Life and how Dear Friends and Family turned-out to be supportive. Right. Such a lovely way to begun a day… even before the sun has risen. (EQUINOX TODAY! AUTUMN!) The “peace” of early morn. – Well, so begins a day. It was 23* in here when I woke. 18 at JFK. A trip into The City on the agenda. A bit more income. Both good: I’ve something to do, gets me out of this room, generates income, helps get me another place to call “residence”. – RE-runs of Israeli schtick on the radio. The window-fan is running quietly. I’ve a bit of head-ache. There seems to be something in my left eye all the time… a tiny grain of something, and this damned phone keeps putting “i” for “u’, “u” for “i” and that. – My good black jeans… gone. Will I ever stop remembering what’s GONE? Probably NEVER. That too becomes part of every heart-beat. – Time to wash… clothes and me. 7.45 bus to catch.
19.12 Q11 Jamaica: I’ve got a feeling that SOMETHING not favourable to me is going on at 112-22. Let it not be so. This is NOT premonitory.
19.25 Q53 158Av: Got to M&E just before 9 (we were back by 17.00) feeling as if my guts would burst. But, it’s nerves, of course. We took the tunnel into The City and were at U.Sq. by 10. Even w/traffic stalled at the tunnel. Dropped them and thought I’d try PIC. SILLY ME! No bleating place to park! EVERY space is “commercial” and the rest is bus/bike, red/green! Utter stupidity! So I got a space on 4th as usual, went to TD (14th/5th) to deposit and stay a bit in U.Sq. park… 19.34 S.ChnlBr.
20.53 BANG! THUNDER! SPLASH! RAIN! ROLLING THUNDER! A FLASH OF LIGHTNING! Summer is being BLOWN AWAY tonight! (How I long for a window from which to watch.)
(PostTime: 21.25) Continuing with the day: Rang Ev to say all’s well. At almist noon they were still waiting to be seen! I left the park, splurged on 4 bananas (1$) and went back to the car to bakance accounts, eat bananas and read the paper. About 40mins, the phone: SAMANTHA/PIC! My annuals are due! MUST get them done. I agreed to Friday morning. With all the other shit PIC pulls, I’m NOT letting THIS go too far! Next thing, Ev. They’re done, Moe’s in the loo, will meet down-stairs. I too my time getting there and still had to wait some moments. – *When I told them about my NEED to go to the office on Fri. Ev was none too happy. She’d planned a trip w/friends into The City and I was to stay w/Moe. MY OFFICE NEED OBVIOUSLY DISTURBED HER. OK. She’s disappointed. But she RAN me into HAVING to make EXCUSES! Like I OWE THEM MY TIME NOW! Well, when I said I’m going for PCT and would go back to hospice… more on that at Trader Joe’s.* – FINALLY, back to THE island (Queens). -*- Oh, forgot to mention: this morning, going in, the traffic on the LIE was backed because of a truck at the tunnel toll (THEY insisted I take the tunnel. I wanted the Bklyn.Br.) So I turn on the radio and they keep yammering! Also, (21.06 SNAP-THUNDER! YAY! May it last ALL through the night.)(Orlando got a-skayrdid. Fking MORON!) I’ve learnt that they’re big Obama supporters. *-* Meanwhile, we went to FH Coffee. I had pancakes, Reuben for Ev, spinach pie for Moe. I should have really eaten but my guts had been knotted all day. I had Coke instead of coffee. – Off to Staples and Trader Joe’s. Moe and I went into Staples, Evlto TJ’s to begin her shopping… At the cashe, Moe was SO SLOW at putting away his change, oblivious to anybody else waiting. But I remained silent thinking: BEFORE I get to that, I MUST DIE and make room for the world. – THEN, at TJ’s, Ev was shopping away. *At one point she said to Moe: “He’s taking that course and getting a job in a hospital! There’s no telling when we’ll see him again!” UN-believable! 1st Penelope goes flaky, now THEM TOO!
(21.25 little flashes/little thunders) SO! The possessiveness begins. Yes, I undwrstand the apprehension: no me, no mobility. But how dolthey think I’ll pay my expenses? REALLY! Again, I said nothing. – We got back to their flat just before 17.00. I schmoozed about Judaism until about 18. Learned that Moe too had trouble breaking from the Old Orthodoxy, Ev had no real religious ed, Beth and Hers find Young Israel too lapsed. Well worth the time. – When I left, a disturbing find: Whilst in my pocket, the phone dialed the Gaston nr. and RECORDED our conversation in the car! OH.K! – Took the Q11 up to get cigs. The tornado damage up Woodhaven is remarkable. How interesting how it went along Metro and above. – (I’m VERY tired. The 4.30 awake is getting to me. I’m not showering tonight. Just too tired… Tomorrow morning…
Must to mention: the temperature reached 32 today and Friday is expected to be HOTTER!

23.Sep:
(PostTIme: 7.15)(I’d done a post whilst in the loo. Dream. It didn’t take! Fk. Trying again. – 26* in here this morning!)
(PostTIme: 7.43)DREAM: I was in a “shelter” environment but in a large country house. Shared with 3 other guys: Allan (never seen, instigator, being transferred out), MarkC (our “Buddah” in W101), Michael/TommyB (the identity in the dream was ambiguous, I was attracted to him). The house was run by a woman of ambiguous age and race (Black/Simmons-PR/Denise). I was anxious/apprehensive. My “rent”/charges had not been paid. I was always uncertain about having my room. Mark, Michael and I were in a room we 3 shared. Michael was packing. Allan was leaving and we were being assigned our own rooms. I was laying on my bed, naked, when Mark made a move for me. He playfully got on my legs, apparently to give me a blow-job, but moved down to my right, great toe. It was very pleasant but I thought: I must make him believe it’s perfect so he’ll want more, and if I’m thrown out I can stay with him in his room. Suddenly, he stopped, got off the bed, pleased with him-self. Then Michael/Tommy got on the bed, lying naked, on his back. I made my move for him, kissing his hair, face, neck. He was attractive to me but not very clean. I put the un-cleanliness aside and continued down to his crotch. He didn’t respind, was disinterested, but made no attempt to stop me. At his crotch… no penis! Just a clean, neat slit of about 2-3 fingers long. Michael told, the result of some “accident”. “It just fell off.” (Or was torn off… more ambuguity.) He smiled as he told. I still wanted him but asked him how he had sex or masturbated. He motioned with 2 fingers, as if insterted un the slit. “There’s still some in there.” he said and then got off the bed. – I’d been out of the house for sime reason. On returning, Mark was clearing Allan’s room. He was gone, Mark got his large room. As I climbed the stairs I looked for a note of my re-assignment. Just a doodle hanging on the notice board. I went in to help Mark. Allan had left some papers, wire hangers, shoes, a boot. I wanted the foot-wear and went to my room for some Trader Joe’s bags. My room…
...had been rummaged, my bags were gone, some left, torn! I was upset but went back to help Mark. The house was bright, full of sun-light. – I had to go look for JohnY to help me move my things. Another big, country house, not far from where I was. It was in hemlock woods. The lower floors were an up-scale restaurant. CindyM had a day-care/crafts shop in the upper-most floor. I was not on good terms with JY and not speaking with CM but needed the assistance. As I arrived at the house, the sky darkened and it started to RAIN heavily. Much of the restaurant was out-side. Tables were being soaked! Mary (the friend, in reality, of CM was trying to salvage some table-settings but not too concerned. “It happens. It’s part of the atmosphere.” she said. Even inside as I climbed the stairs it rained on tables! Nobody wad concerned. To get to CM’s, a ladder to a smaller door. I climbed the ladder, entered through the door. A young blonde girl, happy to see me. Giggled a lot. When I turned and looked back out the door, CM was coming to the ladder to come into her store. She heard the young blonde laughing and smiled… until she git to the door and saw me. She said nothing but frowned/grimmaced, was angry. I understood it as What are YOU doing here!? I only said “Where’s John?”. She went away, very angry.
(PostTime: 8.20) DREAM OBSERVATIONS:
.The house: very much like 112-22.
.The rent/charges: very much in my mind here and now.
.The uncertainty of quarters: my anticipatory anxieties and dustrust of D. and JMiller.
.Owner: the proven fact that neither if them could be trusted to do what they’re supposed to do (Simmons didn’t get my WAP, D. didn’t stop the Helene fiasco.)
.Shared room: W101
.Mark: could have been just that, his attraction to me. HAVING to make good by him, maybe Nr.1(Phil) here(?).
.Michael: I don’t know why that name but Tommy, factual attraction. Missing penis, missing finger. The slit, Moe’s hernia surgery. Not being able to “get what I wanted”, my common repression.
Allan: I don’t know. But instigating/thrown out, D16 and/or Nr.7 here(?).
.Boots/shoes: onbvious.
.Ransacked room: my anticipatory anxieties and expectations here.
.Country homes/hemlock: Waubeeka
.Sun-to-rain: yesterday’s weather.
.Restaurant: yesterday’s talk with M&E r/t DennisP and Richie.
.CM: obvious and unresolvable.
(PostTime: 8.31) (To finish 22 Sept.:) I got 3pks cigs at 9$ea. went for the bus back Q11! My MetroCard didn’t work (too soon, same bus). Driver let me ride. To Rock.Blvd. for Q53. As we passed 112-22 I looked for my things in the curb. Not there. I went to the stn. for new MCard. This ine expires Thurs. night. Spending money is killing me! – When I got in, Orlando and some guy yelling in the porch! A little hungry. Ate the pita from lunch. Guts are not good. It was only about 19.30. Time was moving EXCEPTIONALLY slow. – No energy to shower. Laundry STILL VER DAMP! I settled-in fir the night. No cocktails tonight. Little food in here… again.
9.22 Q53 S.Chnl.Br. 9.15 bus. SOMEthing is TERRIBLY WRONG! I’m SO VERY EXHAUSTED! Lungs? CHF? What-ever. Hazy day. Expected to be hot. Moe will shower. I want to sleep. – One shirt washed, hung. Laundry caught-up. Too bad I haven’t showered every night before bed. Need more soap and toothpaste! MORE MONEY! DAMNIT! I’LL NEVER CATCH UP AGAIN!
*NOTE: R/T L&T: MULTIPLR NIGHTS SLEEP ON TRAIN/DUNES DUE TO NOISE SIT. NOT CORRECTED. NOTE.*
18.09 I was JUST about to enter: It’s quiet in here… TOO quiet. – Nr.7 stirs. OK. So much for that entry. – Got to M&E at 10. I printed copies of NYC Police policy on under-handed dvictions. Moe showered. Ev made challah french toast, SOAKED WITH EGG! SO DELISH! With the repairs going on in the bldg., I offered to take them shopping, anywhere, just tolget them OUT of there. It’s terrible! I even stayed until 14.00 to give them time to consider. At 14.00 I left. – PO Day.Nothing there. Talked w/the PostMistress about the office and mail addressed to Far Rock. She says it can be over-ridden. I’ll have to try. – The postal plugs (hand-cancellors) read “Tildeo”! Postal Svce.! – It was rather nice, waiting for the 22 back and NOT going to RAA. Nobody there anyway. – So, there’s A burger in the freeze. Salmon, (no mayo), beans, cereal to eat. I’m too tired to cook, TOO tired to shop. Just TOO TIRED. – Had a VERY lg. bm this morn. Grey. I wonder. It’s been 2-3 days. But that one was good. – Sukkoth today. First day of AUTUMN! – I just would like to know why I woke this morn. at 4.15 and WHY I’m SO TIRED… ALWAYS. Right now, I’m going to TRY for a nap. – Been thinking muchly ln last night’s dream… – Anyway, tomorrow I have to be ON a 7.00 train into The City. YUCK! AND in SCRUBS! DBLEYUK! – Nap-time…lwhilst I may.
(PostTime: 21.29) DREAM: (I napped. Woke to pee.) Jessica Schulman was watching/baby-sitting John, Joe and me. I was about 30 y/o at the time. John was only about 10 and Joe was a toddler. We were all in her Jeep, and she took us for a ride to a lake. She drove the Jeep, which began to shrink considerably in size, to the edge and very slowly into the lake. As she did, the Jeep became a small boat of wood and inflated plastic. We had to lift our feet into the little boat as it went into the water. I sat on a plank seat in the back but my legs extended over the front and into the water, to my knees. Jess was cramped-in on my right, John/Joe (ambiguity… John was suddenly not in the boat but the toddler was) was beside her. I could hear the plastic crackling under the water. It was night/dark but we could see well enough. The lake water was muddy and warm. Nobody spoke until I asked Jess if she was alright. She just quietly replied “Embarassed.” and lifted herself out of the boat into the water to make room for John/Joe and I. “If anybody knew I did this.” I understood that she was told to take us for a ride in the boat, it would be fun. I said that, if anybody should object it would be me because my jeans were getting soaked and I didn’t mind (though I did). The next thing I saw was John/Joe in the water. He was standing/floating, eating a frankfurter, no roll. Suddenly, he dropped the frank and it sunk to the bottom of the lake. Jess and I were in MUCH deeper water, though not far from John/Joe. Jess was treading water and I was in the boat. Suddenly I noticed John/Joe sink beneath the water and was gone. I became frightened, but never let on. The boat fell apart and I was sitting on a tiny piece of wood, smaller than my arse, but it kept me afloat. Jess, still treading water calmly, said something more about her embarassment. I “got off” of the little piece of “boat” to tread water too. The “boat”, which kept me afloat, drifted down into the muddy water and was gone! I became sick with fear: the lake was pulling everything down!
I knew that Joe (no longer John/Joe) and the frank were pulled down, just as the piece of boat was drawn down (it had kept me afloat, yet, when I got off, it sunk)! The baby was drowned, the boat was gone and it could only be a matter of time before Jess and I were drawn under as well. But, I remained so very calm as I thought these things. Jess quietly said “David would have a fit if he knew.” (that she’d taken us out on the boat… not that the boat was now gone). As I was treading water, in a standing position, contemplating being drawn down, thinking Mum would force the authorities to dredge the lake for the baby, and wondering what else they would find om the bottom… I woke.
(PostTime: 21.54) OK… Napped x2,5hrs. Woke to pee. TV mumbling through the wall (Nr.7 JUST turned it down, but only a bit). I’m a bit hungry but there’s hot cereal and no milk… no fat to go with. I’m a bit weary but not tired. It’s time to sleep for the night now anyway. I have to be on the train by 7 in the morning. I jotted the dream, had a smoke. It must have woken (is that a word? woken?) me too much. But I’ll try aspirin, just to get back to sleep. I don’t want to be groggy tomorrow. And it’s supposed to be in the high 20’s again! – Earlier, Ev said she’d appreciate it if I got to Moe when I finished with PIC. Moe said not to bother. I’d been hoping for beach time (my tan is completely GONE already… I don’t hold it very long at all). It’s Friday. And I’m waiting for some kind if shit to hit the fan round here at any moment, r/t rent (as Denise’s little dog starts yipping in the night; fking dregs here and Nr.7, no peace, they can’t stand quiet. Even insects go quiet, still, peaceful. But NOT THAT ILK. Noise, turmoil, unrest, dusturbance.) – Well, aspirin, Kafka, SLEEP time. (Even the radio went silent… the holiday y’know.)

24.Sep:
5.10 Again, this morning, I woke just before the alarm. No Kafka before sleep last night. And went back to sleep at about 23h. Me? I think it’s anxiety/depression. – Be that as it may, 3 days after washing, the clothes are still a touch damp. But folded. – Today’s forecast? Fog… all day. Pretty much sums me up. I just hope they (PIC) don’t send me for urinalisys. Too much walking. My heel hasn’t healed from last Saturday. – Well, I can (I hope) snooze on the train this morning. – Must remember to check at pay-roll for returned mail. – Oh, before sleep last night, did a search: Denuse, Lorraine and the house addresse bring the 12222 blog! Good!
Reshet Gimel this morning. A good day to have a radio on the beach. Oh, no beach… fog. What-ever. But I recognised reshet gimel’s format. Pretty good.
(PostTime: 9.48)OH KAY! HERE WE GO:
AT 7.00 I went through the turn-style at B116. Shortly after, the thru A departed, w/me on it. A wonderfylly foggy morn. The bay was lovely. I dozed… Howard Beach, delayed. N.Conduit, delayed, delayed. Announcement: Signal trouble… HOYT! Delayed, DELAYED. Rock Blvd, delayed. Grant, DELAYED! UTICA, LOCAL!!! 8.20, Jay St. I changed for the F… Delayed! By W.4th, the B. I ARRIVED AT PIC AT SHORTLY AFTER 9.00!!!!!
But PIC was a shicking breeze. The annual physical took under 20 minutes. P/R had 2 returned pay-advices. The paper-work w/Samantha went right along. (She’s looking younger and her new baby is PRECIOUS!) Next? H/R, change mailing addresse. BINGO! SNAP! DONE Walked up to MMLib. At 10.30 an 11.00 PC. Looked for tests for PCT. None. Got PC23. The key-board stuck so badly I gave up trying in about 3 mins. (The 8539266.) Went to the desk. The guy put me on PC6. ONE MORE DAY DONE.
By noon I was outta there. Decided to call Moe. He wanted to shower (I need the income) so, the Main St. train to Woodside. 2 busses there. I was hungry, tired, wanted coffee. Stepped into DunkinDonuts: 3 Indian women, 1 working, 2 yapping, gloved hands in the racks. The bus driver opened the bus door… No coffee, no donut. I got the bus to Myrtle.
13.00 I saw Mimi sitting w/her companion. We chatted. Bless her. She’s so lovely. Asked if there are any more like me at home. (She should only know the useless shit that popped into the brood!) She would like help for Bernie. (I’ll have to check into that more later.) I TRULY enjoyed talking w/her but had to get to Moe (and pick up hslf’n’half for him).
Stop’n’Shop: half’n’half, heavy cream for me (I NEEDED COFFEE AND CALORIES!), tooth-paste (for me) and coffee (for M&E… though I need it here too but SS doesn’t have Bustello instant). 19,87$ later…
13.30 FINALLY AT MOE’S. He’s having bleeding, I believe fm hard stool; he’s a touch panicy. I put his mind at ease, fix him (and me) peanut-butter/jelly. We eat. Next, shower.
OK! We sit, schmooze…
(PostTime: 22.17) It got to be 16h rather quickly. We were really having quite the time. I DO enjoy his company. He wants to “liquidate” his LP/vinyl. HUNDREDS of them! Reminded me of my music… I told him that I couldn’t tell him what feelings I harbour for my sibs because it would disgust him TRUTH SET ALMOST FREE! (In reality, the bitter hate is beyond words/description in ANY language.) By about 17h Ev came home. We schmoozed until 18h. She calc’ed my hours for the week: 13,5. THEN MOE INSISTED THEY COVER THE ENTIRE BILL FROM S&S! Another 20. They really ARE SOME KIND OF APPRECIATIVE AND BRILLIANT PEOPLE!
19.00 to the Q11 to RockBlvd. Q35 to B108. In the door. Clothes off, in to soak. A burger on the heat. 4 slices bread. 2 frozed bananas for dessert. Dinner.
Did the wash. Did the dishes. DONE DAY!
Reshet Gimel on the air. Wonderful. Delightful.
The day remained foggy in spite of the HOT HOT sun. Just nasty and strange. Tomorrow’s supposed to get into very high 20’s again. I do believe I’ll try the beach (Tilden, of course). The swim-stuff comes back. But I have nothing to eat… for the day or dinner tomorrow. I’ll manage.
22.03 I NEED A SHOWER! WILL TAKE ONE IF THE HOT WATER COMES BACK.
I keep having a sensation of something crawling IN my eyes… ON THE EYE. A little itch that gets to the inner corner of the left eye. Then, the same sensation on my face. Looked for it on Google. Nothing. But I notice my vision is lousy of late. I’m going… falling apart… Dying? How nice if…
Necca 7 adds on the radio! MUST try to find it in this pig-hole city again.
22.14 SHOWER TIME! BED TIME! I’m over-tired now…
But, and, well… no word from the D. I do wonder… are they holdung until the end of the Jewish holidays? (I have to get my L&T briefs done.)
(PostTime: 23.14) 23.00 Hello boiz… Showered and cleaner than never before (plu’qu’jamais?). Tonight we showered (in TEPID water) with Dawn. Nice, clean feeling. Soft too. No lotions, notions, potions. I want to see if the Dawn gets rid of the “itchy creatures” on the face and in the eyes and ears. – Peach nectar and a splash of vodka. There was only a splash left. And the fridge is sad, sad, VERY SAD. No food. No vodka. No juice. And I got in entirely too late to shop so we know what tomorrow evening will bring… me in the market. But there’s pasta, some butter, olive erl, garlic, pepper. No starvations. – I wasn’t sure about the showering before, but her Shitheadness, Lorraine, did a little tapshit on the wall, so I showered. I’m so glad I did. Feels good to be cleansed for bed. And the fans (all) are going, I’m on top of the blankies, nekkid, and it’s ever so comfy in here. If only it was 21.00 instead of 23.12. A-las. – Well, a tiny bit of web browsing and off to the end o’ day. Weather permitting, beach tomorrow.

25.Sep:
10.23 Woke at 10. Temp at JFK is 26. Temp in here is 26. Last night’s wash is just about dry. The house is quiet. The streets are quiet. And my nerves are shot. What to do? Where to go? When to leave? Stay and art or leave and stroll? NOAA says it’s cloudy out. But it’s hot. Reshet Gimel is playing the songs of that LP I got from the Nbg library so many years ago. Where is my Peace? Why do I have head-ache? What to do? Why am I so occupied with anxieties? How stupid. What will come along will come along and I’ll do what must be done. But no running from this. It isn’t worth running from. NOT AGAIN!
13.08 As is my being, I suddenly decide WHAT it is I want to do, and the preparation takes much too long and the day passes (and this phoneshit pisses me off). Now, it’s 30 at JFK AND I can’t decide WHAT to wear because of the uncertainty of WHERE I’ll ultimately be when I leave here. So much for a day at the beach. – And my eyes have shit in them. – I’ve just gone into a piss-poor mood. – The abrasion on my heel doesn’t help. I can’t wear shoes, or I’d go to the bunkers. – The world is annoying me today. And I don’t want to stay in this dark, little room either. – WTF is wrong with me? I need to get laid… Worse… I don’t care with whom. THAT’S how I know things are wrong.
17.39 Woke from my “nap” at 16.58. KGRNY dead air. AnusNr.7 banging his door. I found Target open until 22h! Could use more Zip bags but when I did the trip plan on MTA the times between busses is close to 30-45 mins. and I’m NOT standing on those corners at night! So…
Besides, there’s NOTHING EDIBLE IN THE FRIDGE! NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL! I MUST FOOD-SHOP! MUST! MUST! MUST! AND it’s KeyFood AND Waldbaums tonight. I NEED COFFEE FOR TOMORROW MORNING! So, I’ve got NO business jolly-jaunting to Target tonight.
Sun sets 18.59. It’s going to be a close one at KeyFood… But…
(When I think: I bought coffee for M&E yesterday… She paid it. But I bought toothpaste for ME and she paid THAT TOO!)
Bread, butter, finish the jelly… NO MO’ FOOD (cereals, no milk though) IN DA HOUSE!
20.50 KeyFood, RiteAid, (drop-off), Waldbaums, Harbor Wine… Coffee, bread, mayo, cigs, Nasty dry chicken, half’n’half, juice, soda… vodka. Dinner done. Dish done. Me, not “done”.
Now; I ring Moe. His little “bleeding” isn’t the issue tonight. TONIGHT he’s STILL trying to decide IF he wants to go to the daughter (B.) for dinner in the sukkah tomorrow! I don’t so much mind too much B.U.T.! As of LAST evening, when I left there, THEY had decided NOT to go. *UPDATE! 20.58: B. CANCELLED THE DINNER… B.U.T. they’d like to get out of the house… When I said to Moe I (21.05 the phone rings. I cut it. Voice-mail; Ev: Target on Qns.Blvd. WTF? She means well, but…) to continue: that I planned to get to Traget (I want the bags), and that I have to be on the bus by 7.00 because it takes 90mins EACH WAY, HE was obviously DISAPPOINTED… THAT I’M NOT JUST AND SIMPLY AVAILABLE FOR THE ENTIRE DAY! You know… FK ME! I have NOTHING in MY existence that I would like to do. I mean, REALLY! HOW DARE I HAVE ANYTHING THAT I NEED TO DO! (I’m paying… PAYING for that tooth-paste now.) Yes, yes. They’re very fair about paying my time and such… as long as I don’t do anything on my own. – Now, this bit about Qns.Blvd.; I know that’s about getting there and back EARLY enough to take THEM some-where (some-where as yet not even thought about). And it wouldn’t be so bad IF it wasn’t for the fact that, even when they know where they’re going and when, they’re never ready to go. And as I think about it, the times I’ve taken them to Tilden, it’s AT LEAST 30-45mins. AFTER the agreed-upon time. Just NO consuderation for any-body/thing else. – Oh, I’m just having a sour spell. Even the cashier in RitAid told of some idiot who came to the cashe, on the phone, oblivious to everything round her, tapping away at the credit-card swiper and just being RUDE! And the bitch at KeyFood was rude with me. So, I have to move along and away from it.
KHRNY is playing Reshet Gimel… really wonderful music. – At 22.00 I’ll have a quick shower…
(PostTime: 21.31) I’ll try (and hope) to get up on time for that bus in the morning, go to Target, TAKE MY BLOODY TIME THERE, maybe take in Marshalls as well. WHEN I’M DONE, I’ll ring M&E. IF I DON’T make the 7.00 bus, I shall go to Target/Marshalls ANYWAY. I shall enjoy my day there and THEN ring M&E. I’m quite off on this.
THEY made the poo-poo when I HAD to go into the office on Friday (NO consideration for me.); don’t like that I HAVE to go for In-Service on the 8th; and Ev makes it obvious that she doesn’t want me to get another case. SO! That’s how it is and THIS is how I is. I NEED the money… but I NEED to do a FEW things too.
So, with that, it’s bloody 21.30 already! Time for a drink… browse… shower… nap. I wanted to do some art… FKED AGAIN!

26.Sep:
5.52 DREAM: I was on a bus, in The Bronx. Climbing a steep hill. The street/hill was similar to Riverdale Ave, steep as Kingsbridge Rd., but it was Jerome Av in the dream. Empty brick apartment buildings loomed. They were the old brick buildings with cement window sills and roof-trim, covered, almost completely, by virginia creeper and poison ivy. All window-glass was gone. It was late-evening dark. I was talking with Mum. I didn’t see her on the bus, I was looking out the window at the buildings. I might have been thinking, it’s not clear. – I was telling Mum that things had changed SO much in The Bronx. It’s nothing like it used to be. Everybody’s left and gone. The neighbourhoods are empty. The old buildings are falling apart, crumbling. – I (or we) got off the bus along the hill. We went into an empty building. – We were in the kitchen. Mum stood at the sink. There was no glass in the window over the sink. She was doing something in the sink, as if we lived there. I pointed-out the virginia creeper and poison ivy. It was all over. The window looked-out to other gutted buildings… I woke.
Ladt night, when I got cigs, the cashier at RiteAid here told me of the rude customers. I told her I’d lived most of my life in The Bronx and how people talk about Bronxites. But how, I’d never seen so many plain nasty people as I’ve met in Queens. It is, sadly, true. As I left the store and walked The Blvd. I enjoyed the scent of the ocean in the air and thought: if I didn’t enjoy that, the remoteness of this place and the proximity to water, I’dlgo back “home”. I still think of The Bronx as “home”. I do miss it. But to go back, I’d HAVE to live in Riverdale/Spuyten Duyvil… somewhere NOT Black or Hispanic. THOSE days are oh-vuh. And the work I’m doing these days won’t get me into where I’d have to live.
And so, last night, I had 2 drinks, browsed the Net, stimmed. Although it got results, they weren’t fulfilling. I put the light out round-about mid-night. No shower.
This morning it’s a cool 21 in here. I’m in no particular hurry to get that 7.00 bus. I’m waiting for a bm. Didn’t have one yesterday. – Tried finding Necca 7 on the Net. Reshet Gimel has adverts for it. I’d like to get the bath soap again. (If not, more Dettol, or something good… not more Irish Spring.) I might run in to Caswell Massey in The City today. $H!7, Sunday is about THE ONLY day I have to my-self. This business with the Gbergs is bothering me. But, in any case, I’m going to Target today.
(PostTime: 17.434) Quite unbelievable: – 1st, a stim w/36cm shoot as the result! WAH-HOO! – Shower. – AT 11h I was on the Q53 (a mere 4hrs. later than I’d planned, but…), IMMEDIATE connexion w/A, followed by a WAITING B13! AT 11.58 I was walking into Gateway! WOAH! and WOW! Into Target. Hot the bags (3xxl 1xl: 1xxl box contained 4l and I had a whole box of xl un-opened here already. Tomorrow, after Moe, I HAVE TO GO BACK!) Also, a rather nice photo-book for the “55”. No gluing. 3,99$ thank you. – Next stop, Marshalls. DARJEELING TEA for Samantha at only 4$/20 bags. Yay! Now I need the cup and a giftie-bag. I browsed. Nothing and more nothing. But THE LONGEST QUEUE AT THE CASHE! You’d think they were giving something for free! – A stop at Staples: binder and page protectors. Tilden notes and correspondence, usually kept in P.O. enveloppes. (It serves well. All is in it w/extra empties for MORE paper to schlep.) – Rang Moe at about 13.40. He and Ev were none too happy about not getting the day. But I truly didn’t/couldn’t much care. I actually wanted to seek the Necca 7 soap. But, another day (most likely not tomorrow). – Return? Momentary wait for B13. (I noticed Forbell to the right. Wow, I miss Dennis… and Mike! I hope they’re doing super.) Then a momentary wait for the A. At Rock.Blvd. the Q53 was THERE! And off we went! – Got in maybe round 15.30? Took the hanging clothes out of those cheap “garment bags” and now, ALL’s visible! I truly don’t NEED any more Zip bags, but I’ll exchange what I have… just in case. Y’nevuh know. – Hahdberld 8 eggs. Had 2 w/ the chicken-on-bread-mayo. Quite good. – Now, at 17.40, clothes, papers, dinner, dishes… done. I’m exhausted too. Planning a NAP AND NOT MORE! Then to the 55. Maybe I’ll get to the sketch/illum. for M&E this eve. I hope so. – Right now, I’m quite tired (and the shit seems to begin in the hall. 311 tonight.)
21.20 55 is in it’s first phase of completion to-night. The little sketches that are my Dearest Friends are in the little photo-book, protected in plastic sheeting, between harder covers, in black fabric appropriate to the times in which they were created. It was difficult, cutting them into two’s. It was almost frightening, slashing along the pencil lines that differentiated each scene, each memory, each moment in time. But they are safer now. They can be shared and shown about with-out danger of mutilation by any who will not, would not know them, or their history. They are protected, as they should be. They are a time-line. They are my past, present, future. They are me. They are 55. I am 55. It is time for sleep.
21.30 Quinine causes… thrombocytopenia.
Lorraine is quietly thumping. Orlando is silent. The hall is silent. This does not bode well. I trust NONE and NOTHING here, in Bedlam.
55 is done. It’s time to begin the illumination for M&E. It’s time for trying to get some sleep.
I noticed, this evening, that the glasses I wear most often in the house, are no longer sufficient. I tried looking at a map of Brooklyn; I couldn’t read the street names. I’m 55 and my eyes are too. Time is taking its due. WTF am I holding on to, on for? Honestly? I don’t know. But here I am.
The week, I offered time to Schmulik. When he’s ready. I’ve heard nothing. I offered. It’s time to forget and move along.
This Tuesday coming: M&E are to give my Prof.Eval. to Dee. I’ll remind them tomorrow. Let’s see it get fked. – Same day, court with Helene. Let it be done with this time. May it be beneficual to us both.
May I get sufficient and beneficial sleep tonight.
A notice of some kind will come from management this week. Another court date. I’m weary from stupidity of others. But no one has come to talk with me.
The month is coming to a close. The rooms up-stairs are empty. I actually fear what is to come to them. SPITE no doubt.
I must calm down and try for sleep.
(PostTime: 21.53) Monday: M&E then to Target… RAIN.
Tuesday: Court… RAIN.
Wednesday: M&E then to PIC… RAIN.
Somewhere in there, find tea cup for Samantha, type 8539266, file for food stsmps/medicaid… RAIN.
My back will be out soon. Enjoy the time at hand… RAIN.

27.Sep:
7.47 Dead air from the radio. The shuttle pulls from the station. Tickings of rain out-side the window. 20 degrees when I woke at 6.28. Things to do, wanted and must. A bus by 9. Back to Bklyn at 13? Tough getting off to sleep last night. Anticipatory and actual: both sides, both walls. Woke hungry. Now cramping (I think it might be the chicken). Need new all-the-time glasses. Would like to simply sleep. Need to get moving. Moe will shower today… in the rain. It will be a water(y) day. And no bus shelters on the Bklyn route. 2 busses to, 2 busses back… or… 1 bus 1 train. Hey! One OK point to the day. Now what? Next…
18.38 The day is done. It is raining. I am physically exhausted. It has been quite the day. Dinner is done. The dishes are done. I (hopefully) am done. Well, not “done” but funished. – Moe: couldn’t find a nec. doc. r/t the condo. Ev was in quite the snit. I did what I could to help. Offered filing advice. Tried the PC to recup. By almost noon it was done. Crammed shower in. – Bolted, in the rain, for the Q55. The driver took me to the end of the line for the B13! UN-necessary. Got te 13 to Spring Creek. LONG ride! – Target, quick and easy. BedBath&c. to find tea-cup for Samantha. Nothing. – Target for dish-soap pump bottle for Ev. FOUND A NICE BLACK DRESS SHIRT 20$. Corn flakes, hummus chips. OUT! – Rang Moe. All’s well there. We schmoozed. He thanked me for my help and for doing all that I do for them. I made it clear that I’m here for them when I am able. – 13-A-RockPark. Drizzle. – Heated the last of the chicken in olive oil, added horse radish, mustard. DRY! On bread w/mayo. Tasty. – The End.
NOTE: One fly is still in the room. When I think of killing it the idea bothers me: to inflict pain or to kill the little thing. Compared to Nrs.5&7, this little creature is harmless. Silent. Neither vicious nor hostile. Not really destructive, as is. Compare to Nrs.5&7. I prefer the fly.
No notes/word r/t rent. Tomorrow is court w/Helene. My mood for that decreases. My mood for L&T increases. (TV now Nr.7/Wall-banging Nr.5) – Am thinking: early cocktail and try for sleep. Perhaps an early jump on the day tomorrow (rain), time for nap before court. – SKETCH whilst the evening is young. There will be 311 later. I KNOW THIS! – Now?… Now…
(PostTime: 19.02) SOMETHING WRONG w/left eye. Sometimes it itches as if something’s crawling ON the eye. Sometimes it itches as if something’s behind the lid. Sometimes it itches as if something’s IN the eye-ball. Sometimes I get little grains in the inner corner. What-ever it is… SOMETHING’S WRONG. – Will I have it looked at? Nope. Just noting.
I TRULY MUST GET OUT OF HERE SOON! (Truthfully, I have compassion for this little fly; I have NONE for the residents. – I wonder why I haven’t heard from Barbara. Perhaps I’ll subpoena her to L&T. Just for “social”.)

28.Sep:
6.36 It’s raining, 22 at JFK and 24 in here. Very warm. And I’m very tired. Never did that sketching last night. Browsed. Had 2 light ones. Then lights out at some-where round 22h.
DREAMS: I recall having 2 little dreams and 1 regular. I don’t recall the 1st, other than having had it. I remember that, only because I half-woke from the 2nd, almost laughing at something that really wasn’t at all funny. I thought I should getlup and Journal the dreams. But I went reight back to sleep.
The 3rd, I only recall the end of, having awakened out of it: Travelling with Opa, in his car. We were going to Onkel Edmund’s. We “had” to leave where we were. I don’t know why. I’d packed a small bag of clothes. Opa packed a larger bag. He needed more because he needed interview clothes. – He drove. It was night. I kept falling asleep in the car, even though the trip wasn’t that long. When I woke, Opa was parking the car on a gravelled incline, under a deck/porch. The foundation wall was what we used to call “white brick” (beige). There was a door. I could see because the car’s head-lights were on. As Opa stopped the engine I said “I’m sorry I slept so long… It’s funny, I don’t recognise any of this but I know where we are.”
Opa quietly said “Beethoven”. (We were in Beethoven… but it was Mamaroneck… and it was The Bronx too.) I woke.
Sept. is rushing by. Money is not coming in. There will be court soon. I need to be prepared for that. I WILL NOT RUN FROM THIS. NOT THIS TIME. But I DO, SO MUCH, WANT TO GET OUT OF THE ROOM, THIS HOUSE, and to some-where where I CAN RESIDE IN PEACE AND QUIET! – Thought of putting things into storage. A small, affordable space. Will have to research that. – How nice to have “friends” to whom one can turn in time of need. (I went to Jim in disastre and then to “Marge” in panic. Came to RockPark in panic which put me in Tilden, PHC, Shelter. “Friends” upon whom one can depend.
“When someone comes to slay you… slay him first.” (Talmud)
7.09 That little house-fly… It comes and rests on my bare leg, calmly, ad if trying to find warmth. It’s got water to drink because the sink is never really dry. I don’t know that there’s anything for it to eat in here. I don’t have the heart to kill it. I must get it out of this room so it can go and do what it does. – Have I gone soft in the head? “Couldn’t harm a fly.”
22.30 COURT IS FINISHED! HELENE AND I HAVE BECOME FRIENDS! DENISE IS ABOUT TO BE THRASHED!
The day was, quite good and quite brutal. I got to Moe&Ev later than I should. Ev appreciated the soap pump so very much. – Dee arrived and (rapidly) completed my eval. – I had coffee (and there began my troubles)… LATE!
Walked to TD, deposit. Q23 to Qns.Blvd. for the F to 63rd/Lex.
BLOOMINGDALES! WHAT A GREAT FEELING T JUST TO BE IN THERE AGAIN! HUMANS. CLASS. But not the Bodum glass I wanted for Samantha.
WILLIAMS SONOMA. Another human store. It did my spirits good just being in there. No Bodum.
CRATE AND BARREL (59/Mad). Too funny: some of the flunkies who were there when I worked there are… STILL there! I even told the cashier how I hated working there and haven’t shopped there since leaving. And… they didn’t have the glass I wanted, but I settled… and spent MORE than I’d wanted to. But I got the “Bodum” mug and a plate that makes for a perfect saucer. I bolted…
OPPRESSIVELY HOT AND THE AIR WAS ACTUALLY WET! HEAVY! HORRID! NIGHT-MARISH!
60/5th. Stuck with the R/N/Q… I JUST MISSED the R because of a group of BlackHats crowding the stairs! (The were out in force today with lulav a-plenty! At the entrance to Bloomies, a young one IN A WHEEL-CHAIR says “Are you Jewish?” I nodded… silently… kept going. They can stand on the streets with lulav in hand… When I NEEDED them, I ended up in The Shelter! Mitzva-schmitzva!) I digress. Got a Q, primarily for the air conditioning. At 63rd they announce the xfer tolthe F… NO SIGNS! NO INDICATION! One has to LEAVE, WALK A FEW BLOCKS ON THE STREET! It was too bloody HOT! I took a down-town something to 42nd AND TRUDGED THROUGH ALL THAT STAIRS AND TUNNEL TO THE A! WHOAH! HEAT! HUMIDITY! FINALLY… THE A TO FAR ROCK!
Took the A to Rock.Blvd. Q53. TRAFFIC! 16.30! LATE! LATE! LATE! LATE! Hungry. Thirsty. Tired. SCHWITZY! TRAFFIC!
I arrived at Bedlam with time to change pants, shoes and out the door again!
Rockaway had wind. Cooler… and not so cloudy.
(PostTime: 23.37) Back on the Q53 almost immediately. J to Sutphin. Stopped at a 99$ (certainly not “cent”) store forla gift bag for Samantha. 63cents! RiteAid for cigs (last one smoked here). Made it into court at 18.21!
AND THE FUN BEGAN…
Helene was alone tonight. I wanted “inquest” but what happened was better (morally). Calendar call. Rm 202. I decided to talklwith her before we were called… EXCELLENT decision…
We got called for mediation. I presented. The laws, the courts, the judiciary is a bloodyfking JOKE! WORTHLESS when it come to nuissance tenants and noise. Arse-heads, the lot. She (mediator) argued my evidence, argued my case. BUT AS I SUSPECTED ALL ALONG… HELENE WAS NEVER APPROACHED BY DENISE! The poor girl was quite shocked when I told her of the lettres, &c. ANYWAY, I WON THE CASE BUT ONLY FOR ABOUT 400andsome.
Cute note: When the Mediator asked for my addresse for the stip, she asked “Far Rockaway?” Helene replied “Rockaway Park.” Shee too, is a stickler…
NOW: After the trial, Helene tells me, Denise and Tito trashed her room, threatened her friend, tossed her out! That was the day I saw her on the street, moving. NO NOTICE! JUST TRASH-AND-THROW! I gave her a copy of the NYPD Code AND the RPL Article 7. She is taking Denise to court. I offered to be there for ALL of it! We talked ALL the way back here. I gave her the nr. to JCCRP so they can help her too.
Mama quoted, I quotwd her: Any enemy of my enemy is my friend.
On the bus, Hrlene offered her hand: “I hope we can become friends.” I replied “I’d like to think we already are.” I mean: NONE OF WHAT I’D GONE TO DENISE WITH EVER GOT TO HELENE! NONE OF WHAT DENISE TOLD ME WAS EVEN NEAR THE TRUTH! SHE PITTED HELENE AND I AGAINST ONE-ANOTHER ALL ALONG! Now? It’s time… to pay.
And so, when we got off the bus on 116, Helene’s “boy-friend” was waiting for her. In front of him, she shook my hand and said she’d call me.
I will print her a receipt for covering the court stip. Now, I truly don’t want her money… because…
(PostTime: 23.55) Denise has played me for “STOOPID”! THE END! She USED and ABUSED BOTH Helene AND me! NO MORE! The police FAILED to follow THE LAW AND THEIR OWN CODE! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I have my Atropa (infusing quite well when checked last night). I simply don’t care. Denise will face MURDER. But this is just too, TOO much!
So, by 21.00 I was in. Soup, 3 hahdberld eggs and some chips for “dinner”. I rang Ev… SHE was to argue “month-to-month” with me! I set her QUITE straight! (And threw in: I don’t know CT law, but NYC LAW gave me concern r/t Keith in their house.) Anyway, she admitted that she’s seen that I research thoroughly… MY MAMA!)
23.48 2 drinks. I’m tired. Tomorrow… Moe on PIC. Then to PIC w/tea and eval.
I’m exhausted. Could use a shower… IF there’s hot water…
OH! Lorraine told Helene thst I’m crazy, leave “notes” under her door. Helene sees her, AT NIGHT, wandering B116. Hmmmm.
ANYway… Orlando has the TV on. KHRNY is talk. I still anticipate great troubles to come. But tonight I’ve made peace where it should be… I’ve more “friends” here. THIS is good. Mama is proud of her child.
23.59… Sh’ma ln the radio. Is there REALLY an “Adonai”?

29.Sep:
7.22 There was hot water. I did get my shower. I slept. (2 drinks helped.) Had corn flakes before bed. – This morning, I could use MORE sleep. NOAA says 17 at JFK. 22 in here. I feel very warm, and tired. Travel day: Moe, then PIC. Not looking forward to it. But it’s “must”.
The news from Helene doesn’t put me at ease. I’ve known that Denise is stupid enough to pull that. And, as the courts will tell: they’re not supposed to put people out, but they do. And it’s the inconvenience AFTER the fact. I say: Talmud… If a man comes to slay you, slay him first. (Now to figure the “how”… legally.)
Wow. Time to get ready for the day already. So much for the morning.
18.19 Bm.diddi.bm.diddi.bm.did.bm.di.bm.diddi Nr7!
Phone paid. Tea/Eval del’d. CasswelMassey at the Limelight doesn’t carry Neca7 (but who’d ever expect the old church/Limelight to be a shpping boutique! And w/music that makes ya wanna day-yuns!)
FOUND NECA7 b’Brooklyn! Tomorrow morn. will head there. (“Heavy rains” in the forecast.)
SO SO SO TIRED! Pale too. I’ve eaten, done the dish(es), am going to TRY for sleep THIS early.
24.00: But the little fly looks meagre and rests on me, preening. I worry about it. It seems to come to me for warmth. At this point, it carries no disease.

30.Sep:
8.10 Nyquil. I woke from the nap (last night) at 21h. Got up, finished the ice CREAM (soup!), folded the plastic shopping bags and went back to bed by round 24h. Coughing. Congestion. Finally gave up. Took a swig of Nyquil. OUT!
DREAMS: 1. Needed a pack of cigs. and had no cash. Money inlthe banque but did NOT want to use it. 10$. I worried about it. Finally took the miney from the banque. That’s all I recall. – 2. A story written, needed approval from the boss (Samantha? A young, wonderful Black woman). Had to get the manuscript and go backlto the office. Got it. Had to pass bldg. security. The guard smiled and let me in. Climbed 2 flights of stairs, hurriedly. Got to the office in plenty of time. Spvsr very pleased. Woke.
OK. Now it’s really warm in here. Humid. Waiting for BM. (Will have to get toilet paper today. And cigs.) – Will head to the market for Neca7, then probably to the MMLib. This day is mine. Supposed to rain. M&E should have a quiet day. – The little fly that’s been here hasn’t been seen since yersterday morning. Escaped? Or in here, dead? I wonder. – Groggy but rested. – Will just move forward today. I wish I could get a syringe full of heroine… OD on the beach. FINISH!
13.33 Days when work is not permitted… And Kings Hwy is full of Blackhats and closed shops… and me… alone.
So I made the trip. I know how to get to Holon. And there are other shops and eateries there. Now I know this.
(PostTime: 13.57) It is days such as this to drive deeper, the reality of dis-association and isolation. “They” are off to synagogues, to congregate with others… of “us”. “They” will gather, chant, daven, sing, dance, celebrate. “They” were not there to help, to support, console, protect. I spiralled into The Shelter. Today, “they” are not here. I am here, in this dark room. I am tired. I am alone… here… “they” are not alone. – It’s all just “tradition”, really. “They” are together looking out-ward to, toward, for “their” god. I look in-ward, toward that greatness which my Mother gave me, from her Greatness. I reach to that place IN-side, from whence comes my strength. “Tradition” of this people bonds “them”. My “Tradition” is that of those of my ancestors who were NOT mentioned in that “Great Book”, on that “Great Scroll”. Those who did, who lived in accordance with all that is correct in Creation but whose goodness and greatness has never been scribed. – Alone? No. Solitary? Perhaps. But, in the realm of Reality, I ask: Who is the Jew? “Them”? I think not. Ani choshev sh’lo.
Note: last night, 3 aspirin and Nyquil. No wonder I’m tired.
Beautuful weather: heavy clouds, warm wind. A day “on order”. – I’m going back to sleep for a time.
17.13 (Just waking from DEEP sleep.)
DREAMS:
1. In the car w/the Max. Their car. Big argument w/T&C over something. Their angry. I’m pissed. We’re going to The Bronx Zoo. They’re supposed to drop me at home. I live quite some distance away. They leave me out-side the gate and drive in through the wrong gate (Botanicals). I’m left standing w/a cheap full-length mirror (theirs). I have to get it back to the car but don’t know where they’ve gone. A young Asian boy befriends me. The guard won’t let me in. The boy knows how to get in. Takes me through a small door into a little hall. I get stuck. Fall. Have to push through w/my legs. He says “Hurry”. I can’t. Finally get out of that. HUGE parking area! I don’t know where to start looking for the car. I’m schlepping the mirror.
2. Stormy weather. In an office bldg. on some business. Someone’s angry w/me. I look out the window. Gulls on far roof in heavy wind. Mother moves to the side. 3 babys move in sync. 1 2 3, out of wind. I comment how cute, coreographed. The other person -not seen- is disgusted, angry w/me.
(17.23 Peace is DEAD! “HELLO!” Nr.7 yells. He’s calling Nr.5. “I just wanted to know if you’re alright!” She squawks something back. He goes into his rm. 17.25 TV! 17.32 the damned little dog in the yard. – And I’ve slept into the evening. 3 aspirin and a Nyquil. Now I wake to the mayhem. Work on the PIC clock tomorrow. But I was NOT “working today. – I need cigs later. A small escape from here after sun-set. – Eggs for dinner. No dessert. And I will NOT do groceries tonight.)
18.00 Something MORE to ponder: As at 24h, 2G! 20×100 5mo. Now, from whence? Now, TO where? WHY is not the question. HOW? is the question.
20.45 My little wash is hsnging. Dinner (2 fried egg sand.4 eggs) and dishes done. 3 cigs left. Need new MCard in the morn. Debating: DR tonite or RA at 8h tomorrow. Prob. DR and MCard tonite. No matter how you slice it, money must go. – Spoke w/M&E. Tomorrow will be a few hours extra: much shopping and errands. – I WILL LOOK FOR A WEEKLY OUT OF HERE! TIME TO GO. THE SEASON FOR LOCAL IS HERE! TIMING IS GOOD. I suspect foul play to come now. – That sleep before messed me up a bit. If that RA on Wdhvn was open I’d take the bus. Well… – This morn as I left, spoke kindly w/Phil. No mention of Ms.D. But I don’t like knowing she’d offered to pay him (500) to get Helene out. There’s so much… and the 100th violated their own code handling the illegal evict. Corruption. Well, “small town”. – I may as well get out of here. Won’t be getting to sleep any time too soon anyway. Took ? aspirin. Not good for the blood-thinning w/tonic. But can’t afford the groggies tomorrow from the sleep-aids. – I came here to get away from anxiety. What I can’t accept, logically, is how I’m right back in them. I’m thinking D18 again! HOW? I truly don’t know. Stupidity. That’s it. Now, HOW to get OUT of it! Just HOW.
22.18 A month ago… ATROPA ON THE BEACH. Tonight… the WIND! Instead of cookies and milk for sleep… the beach, the wind, the warm-comfortable temperature, the night, the ocean… the PEACE! WHY NOT? Indeed… Why not?
Opted for DR tonight. “Evelyn” is so very sweet. A pleasure, really. (And I got to tell her about Ms.D’s miss-deed. Start spreadin’ d’news…). – Took B115 to the boards. WOW! The wind is gusting! The streets are all but empty. The waves aren’t high but the multiple breakers… And the wind. FANTABULOUS! I wish I could just go spend the night out there. If not for the poss. rain, it would be Tilden. – Anyany. It’s 25 in here. Hopefully wash will dry (and I will sleep). – I noticed: THREE SRO’s on 115. DHS. I wonder why I couldn’t get into ONE out here, back “then”. Hmmmm. Maybe that’s to be the future of this place? – 22.35 TV just off in Nr.7. NAP TIME! AT LONG LAST!
Meanwhile… WHY OH WHY OH WHY THE FK am I still here journalling? I NEED TO EVALUATE THIS. On the surface/conscious level, I can’t even imagine. I MUST FIGURE THIS OUT. THIS IS A LEGITIMATE “WHY”.