1.Jul:
(PostTime: 0.29) In bed. 25 degrees. Cool breeze from the fan. Comfortable. The dregs are on the porch yapping and watching TV. I wish I was tired. Moe at 13h. – Hard to believe it’s July already (again). Last year, this month, D15 was Over-nighters (George was transferred), D16 was John who’d changed the number on the wall so he could get Rey’s bed (D17), D17 was Over-nighter (I think), snd D18 was at wits’ end from the cigarette smoking in the room, TV into the night, the stench from the Over-nighters and the noise in the hall and rooms all night. (Gee. Same shit, different addresse. Bellevue to Bedlam. But in Bellevue, no rent.) On the 15th, it will be one year ago that I came here. How this place has deteriorated. But right now, the ceiling fan is going, a t-shirt dries on a clothes rack, it smells clean in here, my clothing hangs on a rod over a double bed and other clothing is in the dresser upon which is a lampe and some books, the door to the room is locked and I have the key. SOME, not ALL of the bed linens are stamped “DHS” and I’m covered with the blue fleece from DHS that they gave as the Spring blanket. Today I wore the jeans I had through the months of living in Tilden, PHC and M050 Bellevue. Yesterday I put the blue corduroy shirt and grey sweat-shirt from those days, in a bag and up on the shelf. Some things have changed. Some things have not. Some things have improved. Some things have not. The bitterness lingers, burns bright and consumingly hot. The wish to die, be done with it all is very much present. The world turns. The tides ebb and flow. And as much as there is change, there is stagnation. It is as it was and as it will be. It is now July.
(PostTime: 3.25) At 2.56 there are foot-steps up-stairs. Then CRASH on the ceiling. Then steady gurgling in the sink (the stopper is in securely). This is followed by the stench of Newport cigarette smoke coming in my window.
And I? A rubber mallet to my floor followed by a thrifty stomp with both feet.
I’m going to report the plumbing thing to the courts this week.
(PostTime: 10.21) 10.00! And I could use more sleep! There’s a perfect day out-side my window. I’d wanted to get to the beach this morning. But the alarms sounded, I turned them off and went back to sleep. Well. I got about 7 hrs in from 3.00 when I was pounded awake this morning. And in another hr or so I have to prep to go. A day with Moe and Ev. Hopefully another evening at the library and productivity on the 8539266 journal. I want that posted. I want ALL the Journals linked. Then… I want PEACE… SHALOM! Enough is Enough. – Meanwhile, KHRNY is as clear as if I were in Yerushalaim. (Speaking of which… no words fm Schmulik in a long while.) – As a side: that e-mail fm Clbrt wad fm the account I’d opened for her when she started e-mail many yrs ago. hrmerc. More of my “giving” and look what followed. Destruction as they sat idly. We do, not for thanks; we do and move on. “Even Mother Theresa is dead.” said Peter.
(PostTime: 10.44) 60 days. Anything there-after is extraneous. And still, there is no Peace.
As a side: 4 shells, cleaned, sketched, glazed, hinged. Due by Saturday. Completed. No word fm Mary. Would have paid the phone (due Sunday). OK. Another screw in the casket. But her end. There will be no more.
(PostTime: 23.33) OK. In bed. Hungry. 25 comfy degrees with fan on. – The day:
.Reported the methane in the sink to 311 with name and phine nr. Let the battle begin!
.Lost track of MetroCard expiration. It wouldn’t take on the bus to M&E and the driver wouldn’t let me ride (I’m not “tan” enough). 27$ out.
.Got to M&E at 13.30 with Forest Park info! Had coffee. We left in the csr.
.Air in the tyre again. Stopped at Jack’s. Will bring car in tomorrow for tyre repair.
.Staples. I bought some colour pens for illumination. Cheap Bics. OK price. I have ’em.
.Trader Joe’s. Hours. I didn’t buy much (peanut-butter and cream cheese) because I was going to MMLib.
.Mary T. called. Will meet Stephen at the garage tomorrow. 25$/shell! Just when I TRULY need the money.
.Ev offered time on their PC this evenung. She gave me turkey sandwich and ginger/carrot soup for dinner.
.I got another day on 8539266 and PAID THE PHONE from there! YAY!
.Left about 21h. Rang Penelope. She won’t be at Tilden tomorrow.
Q21 to Bedlam.
Day done. Maybe a quick bite. SLEEP! Hopefully uninterrupted tonight.
Denise started her shit. Now I get to end it… legally.
(This phone-posting is a pain in my arse!)

2.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.37) Anxieties as I tried to fall asleep last night. Waiting for bangs and crashes. It was just bad. And anxious sleep leads to an anxious morning. No particular reason. Just anxious. – Had half a block of cream cheese w/peanut-butter and honey before bed. That should carry me through the morning. Bkfst with M&E will be coffee only. – Ah, and there’s the matter of the shells this morning. I just don’t trust Mary/Stephen. Let’s hope my anxieties here are unfounded. – But the phone is paid for July. I have communication. – Thought: If this nastiness w/Denise escalates, I’ll take it to JCCRP. – For now, finish coffee, shower, the bus. What a Friday. – KHRNY is clear this morning. That’s always good. Esp. on erev Shabbat.
(PostTime: 9.55) SO DAMNED TIRED THIS MORNING! Got to M&E at 9h. Off we drove to Jack’s to have the tyre repaired. I rang Mary T. and waited for her at the stn while M&E walked to Forest Hills Coffee for bkfst. Mary came roynd 10. Poor woman! We sat momentarily in the car and they called for her from home! Herman is in very bad shape. Can’t get OOB w/out MAJOR assist! Bad teeth. Pains. Snd Mary handles it ALONE! – Well, 100$ for the shells. Rent! – I walked to FH Coffee where I had 2 fried eggs, toast, coffee. Then to get the car. A nail in the tyre! Repaired. Oil change. – Back to M&E’s for sketch supplies for Moe. Then dropped Ev at Moda for her hair appt. – Moe and I passed a few hrs at a picnic table in Forest Park, talking. He did a quick sketch of me and gave pointers. He liked my portraits. – 16h we left. – Ev calc’ed 23 hours’ pay. RENT COVERED! – I left them with a rather full sched for coming weeks. Went to banque. Kept 50 for me. – Cigs are now 11$+! Miserable fux these politicians! We’re paying for illegals now! And me with no insurance! No Food Stamps. I’m reapplying! SCREW THIS CRAP! – So, 2 pks. Q11 to JamaicaAv. Vodka. Back to Bedlam. – Shirts, sox in to soak. 2 burgers for dinner. – Now, dinner, laundry, dishes done. A small drink. KHRNY. Soon tolbed. – Was 24* when I got in here. 26 now. Not bad. But real Hell is coming. 30’s on the wk-end!
(PostTime: 22.19) Today Ev commented on how amazed she is that there’s 35 yrs bet Moe and I. Yet we have so much in common. How many my age know the Algonquin Round Table AND the quotes of it and so many others? How many share the twists of puns and unuendo? And the art? She just can’t get over how much Moe and I are so alike… even to where there’s no age difference in so much! How I came in their door as a Home Aide and have become more like a very good, long-time friend! (Well. The story of my life: Never a child; always an old man. Thanks to that moron who sired me.) Anyway, before I left, she told me that paying me was costly but worth ir to her because my being with Moe removes the stress on her when she has to go places. And that I’ve given them their lives back by being available to drive them about. – We’re talking Moe’s possible surgery this month. The time in CT. (I’m going to work it to cover the rent/phone for the month and bot more. The trip and the other hours. Not more.) – If they only knew what I’m looking forward to in 58 days. – I really can’t go on like this. Now even Israeli music brings heart-ache. (KHRNY is off b’rega) The memories of betrayal still cut deeply and feed hatred thst I don’t like experiencing. Living amongst the bullshit of humanity is certainly not something I enjoy, nor deserve. Bill collectors. Living on only the bare and basics. Even if all gets better… for what and for how long? The sole solution is one MAJOR lu.p sum income. But at this point, that’s not in my Fate. Truth. So? Stop before it gets out of hand. I mean, c’mon; I’m not even getting along with my neighbours. And they don’t even know I’m here! 58 days… time to stop all of this. And the world WILL continue. It always does.
Meanwhile, I’m on to illuminated stuff. Need to do a nice brukha for Moe and Ev. They’re my “Life”. As is Penelope these days. (If they only knew…)
(PostTime: 23.01) Note: Today’s 2009 is on http://nyc8539266.wordpress.com. The day I went to OV to make the application. I would have been paying 50/mo. Did I make the correct decision? Probably not. But I probably wouldn’t have Moe and Ev either, nor the money from the shells. I’d have MY bed-room and bath-room. Maybe I’d be making a living from my art. Maybe I’d be dead from a gun-shot. Maybe I’d be brain-dead or an invalid from same. – I miss Simmons and Crawford. I hope they forgive me for not going to see them. I just can’t go through that security. Maybe one day when I take M&E into The City, while they’re at apots. I’ll drive over, stop in. What will I tell them other than to thank them for being Human? I cn hope that’s good… enough. I mean it with my entire heart.
(PostTime: 23.02) May it be: My God… help me.

3.Jul:
(PostTime: 9.43) Woke to the early alarm… and didn’t bother to get out of bed. So? Napped til now. Jeans are in soaking. The light is off. KHRNY is all instrumental music (Israeli version of WHUD in the 101 Wisner days; I’ve grown that old). Shabbat. Weather says “mostly cloudy” on a “sunny” day. And I am plotting a day at Tilden. The “holiday”. The world. I woke. What a shame. But I looked at ’09: It was the end if that saga then. Today I slept, woke to soft music, alone, in a room behind a locked door to which I have the key. Yes, there is trash in the hall this morning. Yes, there was trash in the hall last night. But it didn’t come and go by my bed. And it isn’t/wasn’t in this room where I sit, naked and comfortable on my bed. That saga is closed… No. It will be open… forever.

4.Jul:
(Note: Sunday 26 November 2017, 11.56: I’m RE-editing all of these comments here, having had most of this done back in April of 2017 only to have my Toshiba lap-top destroyed when Mme. Jacquieline Choiniere/Luce/King employed her local Vermont lackeys to demolish and re-build the hall-way out-side the little room I’ve occupied for about a year now and the plaster and wood dust utterly destroyed it, leaving it so that it won’t even boot-up and won’t “refresh”. As I happen to glean the following entry I can’t help but wonder: Denise had left a nasty note on my door in Rockaway with a reference to “wanting her son” and that “That will never happen. Dream on.” or something of the sort. Today, I have to wonder: I posted these comments from my mobile phone back then, via Internet in the house. The reference made by Denise was to something I’d posted on the Internet. Today I have to wonder if there wasn’t some sort of interception between my phone and the posting. Paranoia? I never made any verbal reference to her son. I didn’t even know who her son was, yet, she some-how “knew” of something… and THIS is the ONLY reference I ever made to him. And even then, the reference in the dream was only as people would be in dreams: ambiguous. I mean, the man in the dream was “fat” and “blond”. Her son , as I was to learn later, was neither. Still, I have to wonder about interceptions, then and now. Technology permits such things. I wonder…)
(PostTime: 6.04) Sat. 3.7: Finally got out of here by noon! Had washed jeans and put them on the rack and headed to Tilden. – A day on the porch with Penelope. A quiet, clear, low humidity day. She’s not her self though. Even she commented that she didn’t have the energy to work in her sculpting. I hope she’s OK. She’d set-up but didn’t take even one strike at the stone. Very un-like her. But we sat, like 2 Old-timers, on the porch, talking. – Mat came by with 2 friends of his. BIG hug. It was good to see him. I gave him the 530 phone nr. He disappeared as quickly as he appeared. – By 17.30 Penelope and I left. I was thinking of going to the beach but word was it was crowded. There’s big concern about that this year. The crowds are getting bigger. Too many are coming. But Mat says it’s getting its share of Gay. THAT could prove interesting. The season is early. We’ll see. – So, back at Bedlam by about 18h, it was calm. I had my 2 peanut-butter/cream cheese for dinner and decided to “nap” at 19h figuring the shit would hit the fan with the drunk trash on the porch. – Well, at 22.57 the Spictrash started. Woke me only long enough to call 311 and I got up, took 2 aspirin and went back to sleep.
DREAM: In my room. A heavy blonde woman comes in, gets uncomfortably close, motions for me to sit with her on a chair. Says “We have to talk about this problem.” I sit with her, uncomfortably close, on the chair. Denise comes into the room, very friendly w/the blonde, ignores me, sits on the blonde’s lap, says “What are you going to do about this ‘no work’ thing?” The blonde is an RN w/VNS. They aren’t giving her work either. She says “I don’t know.” and looks at me. D. says “Don’t worry about it.” and leaves. I get up, walk to a dresser for something. A young, fat, blonde guy comes in. D.’s son. He’s come to repair something in the room. He gets close to me, says “I hear you’re busting out of here.” I tell him I have to, the place is gone to shit, I can’t live like this. “How are you going to do it? Just…”
(continued…)
(PostTime: 6.16) (Dream Cont.) (He slides one hand across the other) “or…” (he makes a paying motion) I tell him “Oh no, I’ll…” (I make a paying gesture) “pay current rent and leave.” I know that the son is prying and will report to D. “I don’t know how you do it. (pay the rent) No work. Where do you get the money? What do you do?” He got closer, leaned his body against mine, looked into my eyes. The insinuation: I’m using the room for whoring. I asked “What do you see in here?” “Well,” he said, “I see a dresser, a chair, a ‘couch’ (implying it could be used for quick tricks)” “It’s a bed” I said. He winked, pressing closer against me.
Noise in the hall woke me from the dream. But the closeness of the others was almost sexual. I was most uncomfortable through the entire dream.
(PostTime: 6.24) Well, woke on my own at about 4.52 this morning. Have had my coffee, sent quick e-mail to Schmulik. Haven’t heard from him in weeks. I rang him last week when I got the books for Bob/Barb and Moe/Ev. So if he’s in a mood… Anyway, caught up with this Journal. Just waiting for the morning BM. Will shower and get out of here early to Tilden. I do NOT want to be HERE today! Hopefully some beach time and some art time (and no drunkartists at Tilden). – Imagine: sleep from 19h last night until 5h this morning? I wonder what THAT’S about? – NO WASTING this day! Up we are. Out we go!
(PostTime: 21.33) It’s 34* at Idlewilde right now. 28,5 in here. Moron7 pounding on the wall. Firecrackers going off in the street. KHRNY on air. Me, nekkid on the bed. Showered. The heat is creeping in. A vodka-tonic. It’s going to be a horrid night. I see it coming. Little rest. Arse-holes making noise. Esp. the Spics who won’t speak English but will get drunk and make noise on U.S. Independence Day. This world is disgusting except…
(PostTime: 22.01) I got to T7 by about 9. Alone. Steve dropped by. We had a really fun discussion on Torah for a while. He left as Penelope drove up. She’s not feeling all too well. Hopefully just the heat these days (35*!). But she was good when sge arrived. Next thing, Shirl comes, dragging her back-pack up the ramp! Looking grey. She’s got NO business schlepping weight, but I have no sympathy. She claims all sorts of smarts and education. If she wants to be so stupid, I’ve nothing to do with that. 2ce she nodded off on the porch. Couldn’t hold her sandwich. Neither P. nor I interfered w/her efforts on her “windows”. She’s even managed to drain P.! Now THAT’S saying something VERY BIG! (When she left this evening, P. drove her to the 22. She said she’s coming back tomorrow! If she hadn’t alienated herself fm people, she’d be better to come, relax. But…) – So P. and I pretty much passed the day sitting. – At about 11.30 she and Tony went to Kate’s. They brought back a yoghurt for me. – While they were gone, I started to sketch Kafka. Suddenly, a big billow of black smoke in the Bakfort! I cslled NPS Police. As I was telling them where Tilden is and loca. of fire, WELL! MULTIPLE NPS cars, fire engines, fire cars all came in! NPS thanked me for reporting. (As if I wouldn’t protect Tilden! My shelter. My refuge. My sanctuary.) I learnt later, somebody lit a tree at the air-ship platform. They use it as a dump now. – OK. All back to a normal, lazy Tilden day w/P. and I. ALONE! (Shirl was in T7, no clue about it all.) – Jose came back! P. was all a-flutter. I have to note: When he got there, her entire “corps” changed. She actually looked like a young girl. It was truly amazing. She is truly, in every aspect of the word “PRECIOUS”. He does such wonderful things for her. She never had her 20’s and he brings them to her: excitement, anticipation, wonder, giddiness, shyness. Dear God! It was something to behold! How wonderful to witness! – Jose and I talked brujaria, santeria, espiritimo. He mentioned Yemaya. P. was fascinated (cont)

(PostTime: 22.31) She was FULL of questions when he left. Shirl had to challenge a statement made by me which was confirmed by Jose in my favour. She won’t quit! A true, clinical prob. there. I addressed it then let it go. Why bother, really? But Torah in the morning, Espiritimo in the after-noon? TILDEN! At one point, Jose mentioned dancing. P. said only “Argentine tango” and Jose took her fm her chair, into T7 to “dance”. Later, I told P. I thought I should “save” her. How we laughed when she said “I’ll kill you!” – Later, P. dropped Shirl at the 22. Said Shirl had all to do to get out if the car. We get what we ask for… sometimes. – Just as P. was ready to oack it in, Brian came by! He went to the truck, brought me a frank, knish, Pepsi. Wouldn’t take money. (Thankfully. I had it. Was wondering what to do for dinner. That was it.) – We’re sitting on the porch, 2 young guys come up. One vin Deutschland, the other fm Russia. They made themselves quite comfy. Students. The Russian studying Physical Therapy. Fun talking with them. – Then, a girl with whom I’d gone to Harris E. w/ TWO YEARS AGO, in a group, to watch the fireworks in the 4th, came by. Looking for others fm RAA to go back to Harris tonight. But NONE of them were there tonight. SO much has changed in these 2 yrs. (yet the immaturity lingers in the RAA). She and her friend left. P., Brian, and I packed it in. – Tonight, Penelope told me to getla lift to the bus wirh Brian. She wasn’t feeling good enough, even to drop me at rhe gate! Brian gave me a lift to the house. He and I are concerned about Penelope. – I came in, needed to go back out for cigs. Waljed to RiteAid, CLOSED! DuaneReade. Cigs only 9,90! Got 2. Walked back… CROWD for Q35!
(FUCK! KHRNY is playing Phil Collins “Don’t Give Up” “When times get rough you csn fall back on us. I can’t take anymore…” THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT! C.M. told me this reminded her of me. Deceiptful piece of shit. May she and her 2 brothers rot… as they live!)
(PostTime: 22.44) Move on… Almost 20h and they were still leaving! – ANYway, passed Denise O. on The Blvd. Another piece of shit. I feigned a phone call. She ignored me. Good. – Inside, P. phoned to say she’s home. The emptiness on the holiday gets to her. I’m fortunate to have gone through and past the holiday pains. We chatted a bit. She’ll be at Tilden tomorrow (so will I, but a swim is on the agenda). – Ans so I showered, plotzed, had my drink. WOW! Did it get LATE quickly! And it’s gone quiet in the house and on the streets. I’ve journalled through. – Last yr. I was in the Homeless Shelter. This year I’m so richly blessed: Penelope, Tony, Brian.
(Horse With No Name! Kathy Henrickson. John Rob. Jack Stroup. WHAT the fuck is Fate pulling on me tonight? Death will come in 57 dats to silence this! IT WILL!
Time to try to pass out… in spite of memories.

5.Jul:
(PostTime: 9.12) Almost unbelievable. It was a relatively quiet night. No calls to 311. What happened? (I wonder. Wink-wink.) Still, due to anticipatory anxiety, I stayed awake too late… and stayed asleep too late. Should not have had that 2nd drink. Feeling just a touch of the icks. It’s already 29,5 in here. I’m out to Tilden very soon. Now I feel a responsibility toward P. I know, too well, the emptiness she’s feeling these days; no family, no celebrations. I used to feel that emptiness. (I wonder lately, when it went away… Taken or burried under bitterness, no doubt. Just as well.)
As I entred, the phone. Penelope isn’t coming to Tilden. Her stomach is bothering her. So I now am forced to plan a HOT, HUMID day. I really should be productive, there are things that should and things that must be accomplished. There’s swimming. There’s heat and humidity. There’s rest. What will I do? I’ll know when it’s done.
(PostTime: 13.47) It is 31,5 in here! I have (not really) wasted this day. My flip-flops are repaired using needle, thread, masons twine and baseball twine (super glue too). The “baseball cup” ties with cotton twine from Pepino’s bakery goods. The laces on the cheap black sneakers are shortened. I finished the half’n’half on one bowl of cornflakes. 2 coffees for the day. And I am NOT disappointed, and am NOT planning on going out before 15h. – Meanwhile, a thought: Shirl implied, one evening as she drove me to the train in Jackson Hts, that she was married to a most abusive man. I seem to recall that he didn’t want children, she got an IUD that embedded and caused surgery which resulted in her inability to have children ever. Anger toward men? Rejection of help given? The drive to challenge anything a man might say? Perhaps, in her carreer too she experienced conflicts with male associates (due to her marriage and the anger) and now she competes with males. Just a thought. – And so, with-out guilt, I now laze. Just TOO HOT out there today. TOO TOO HOT!
(PostTime: 19.43) 31,5 in here. 28 at the airport. I didn’t get to the door ALL day! Got involved with Net surfing which led to the quickest stim session in a LONG while. But it’s been a LONG while. It was good for a but. Looking to another. Probably later. – Cooked the last 2 burgers with 2 potato patties. – Spoke w/Penelope. She got the Prevacid. Says she’s feeling much better but is thinking no Tilden tomorrow. I have the day free so I’m thinking: Beach at sun-rise, shower, 99cent for garment bags (11$ cash on hand), library(?). It’s supposed to be HOT again tomorrow. – All day has been so peaceful in here. At 19h the shit in nr7 began. He’s slamming the door, hitting the wall, yelling. I’m trying to decide between holding rent to move or paying to keep peace. Just not certain. But I know I DO NEED to get out of here. – Dinner dishes now. Nothing for dessert tonight. (19.39 BANG! goes nr7. I’ll keep pondering the rent.) But believe it or not, I’m actually tired enough to go to sleep! Dishes, shower, bed (and a call to 311; he’s never apologised for that night he went nuts over there; I don’t make disturbing noises, I won’t accept them.

6.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.03) I’ve got the feeling that this is not going to be the best day to be productive. It’s already miserably HOT! Penelope is supposed to ring early to tell if she’s going to Tilden. (I just woke from a half-dream where she said she will be going, but I doubt she will.) The forecast on NOAA is for 97F. I thought I’d go to the beach early, get to 99cent store, at least. Well, if I go there today, it’s going to take all day because I’ll take the train… I think. – Meanwhile, last night was quiet. Sleep came with difficulty (as usual). And I’m in a quandry about sending the rent or not. I TRULY NEED AND WANT OUT OF THIS PLACE!. But this month should bring better income and next month is… well… I’ll prep an envelope, get the money order… just in case. Had JCCRP on the agenda for today. Harrassment. We’ll see. – Last night’s jerk-burgers are stirring. – Let’s just move along and see where we go. – Can’t forget: New MCard Thursday… and the trip to The Islsnd. – (6.02 the sink gurggles and tapping on the nr7 wall. Hmmmm…)
(PostTime: 20.56) 33*! Out-side, the breeze is coming off the ocean! THIS IS HELL! But dinner is done. Franks and sauerkraut. 6 hahdberld eggs in the fridge. Dishes up. Just waiting to shower now. – Got out today. Out to the CIA99cent store. Garment bags, Dettol bath soap (can’t wait to try it), a wrench, pitas, iced-tea for the travel. Even got to Jackie’s. Sad note: Berta’s/Kings on Brighton Beach Av. is GONE! Even Brighton changes. Sad. Well, found nothing at Jackie’s so headed back to The Rock. All the bus connections were pretty good and I took my time (mostly because the repaired flip-flops now hurt bet. the toes. I screwed something up. Oh well.) On the Q35 back, Jimmy! He told the passengers to step behind the line. “Not you.” he said to me. “You’re family.” Imagine. The guy who used to drive the 41 that took me fm The Shelter to Guad every morning last year… I keep thinking:
Yes. I have a whole new Life out here, away from EVERYTHING passed. No connections… except bitterness and memories. But that and them are gone. So much has happened over the years… so very much.
Stopped at Duane Reade for “bargain” 9,90$ cigs (2 paks). I got back to Bedlam at almost 15h. Took a rest. Was thinking beach. It never happened. I did get groceries. NEEDED food in here! More money! – Spoke x2 w/Penelope. Spoke w/Ev. 9h tomorrow there for a drive to Un.Sq. Thankfully, a/c in the car. – Right now? The shit is starting with the wall-banging. It’s time for “humans” to get to sleep. The trash begins to stir to create chaos. The un-evolved, lowest beings strive toward chaos. I’ve grown completely intollerant of Puerto Ricans and their ilk. THEY are the greatest contributors to the ills of humanity. Just a useless faction. – I need a shower. I’m having a heat cramp. Not good. And it’s still 33 in here! No relief. No relief!

7.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.56) Up at 5. 31 in here. Suddenly, time to start running. Time, what a concept.
(PostTime: 8.18) No matter. I wake 3 hrs before I have to leave and… – OK. It’s just TOO BLOODY HOT! And my stomach is off wack, eyes won’t focus, and just the feel of teeth on my tongue bothers me. The 53 is already almost full at B98. Some little broad asked to “bum” a cig. I told her “Not at 12$ a pack.” – We’re in for a day. – Leaving The Rock…
(PostTime: 20.22) 31,5* The running is done. Dinner is done. The day is almost done. Got to M&E by 9, we were off by about 9.45. HOT DAY! I missed the exit for BklynBr. We took the tunnel. I always hated the tunnels. Reminds me of my run-away days in the bus fm Nbg. I’d all but suffocate in the Lincoln: In because I wanted to get to The City and didn’t know what I’d do when I arrived, Out because I was heading back to a place I hated. But today, with great talk in the car, it went quickly. AND we arr’d early! (For nothing, it turned out.) I found parking, 3rdA.13/14. Browsed Strand, bought nothing the first hr. 2nd hr, dropped by the schul. Nobody there. 3rd hr, drove about a bit. At one point, came across Un.Sq.No. facing Zur’s studio. It got to me a bit. Sometimes I’m just plain stupid. – Trip back over Queens Bridge (past The Shelter again). We went to London Lenny’s for lunch. Ev had N.England clam chwdr and lobster salad. Moe had soft-shell crabs. 2 little crabs on the plate! WHOLE! I’ll never understand how people eat them. I had fish and chips. 2 coffees, 1 Irish coffee (Ev) w/cream pie. 68$ plus 12$ tip! Woah! – We stopped at SportsAuth so Moe could get jock straps. Finally. Then I left them at home, got tge bus. Was thinking maybe the beach. But… – I want a map if Nassau. None at Dyane Reade, Gulf, Mobil. Stopped at Waldbaums. Bought chicken, ice cream, stuff. Came back, made egg salad sandwiches. Dinner. – Penelope is supposed to ring at 20.30. Something she wants to talk about. – Tomorrow, M&E at 14.00 and out to The Island. – (I got jerk under my thumb ring! Oo.oo. HOT!)
(PostTime: 21.52) As I journal, and for the past 45 mins, Denise has been in the hall. Something about the water. Phil yelled something about his drain being clear. Odd. I got a calllfm Dept. of Health today. They want to sched. an inspection. I guess r they told her of my report. Now there’s somebody up-stairs plodding around. I wonder what kind of stupid shit she’s about to pull now. No matter. I’ll just record more with The City: smoking in halls, banging and yelling at night, &c. – That started at about 20.15. Penelope rang. LUV talking with her… even right up to now. (Let me see if I’m still connected to this here thing… SUBMIT!)
(PostTime: 22.00) WOW! Still connected. Well, 32*. The noise in the hall went away. Notably, Ms. D. ONLY checked with her “gente” about the plumbing issue. Well, DOHMH said they’re mailing something (to the house) to make an appointment. I’ll follow up. Meanwhile, I’ll try for the beach EARLY in the morning. Penelope is looking forward to the wk-end st Tilden. Me too. I’ve opened the transem and hope that will bring in some coolness (and NOT noise… or vermin… or roaches too neither). And it’s time to try for some sleep here. Tomorrow is yet another new adventure to yet another new place. (If only I could be out of this one here. But last year, this time, I was on my way out of a different but similar shit-bix. It CAN be done! It WILL be done! It’s BEING done!)

8.Jul:
(PostTime: 7.25) I woke at 4.45, went back to sleep, waiting for the alarms. Both sounded. I just woke. It’s cloudy, “misty”. No sun. No beach. The next few days? Rain. Well, it’s badly needed. Moral of the story? I screwed myself out of swimming… again. – And it’s hot in here. – Nassau at 14h. I must remember to check cig. prices. – Just thought: Ms.D.’s plumbing run last evening, so childish. Make it known that she checked OTHERS BUT NOT MINE. SO “machir”. But, she’s of that Puerto Rican parasitic ilk. No prob.
(PostTime: 23.05) WHAT A MAGNIFICENT DAY!
(Too bad it closes in this shit-box.)
A beautiful drive to Nassau. Open highways, lovely homes, clean. Even the traffic was orderly. And I’m driving on roads I used to ponder: the LIE (or, as Ev called it on the way back: LIJ), Interboro (now the Jackie Robinson), Grand Central, Shelter Rock Rd., Northern Blvd., Cross Island Pkwy. ME! DRIVING! And having a wonderful time with M&E! WHAT A DAY! We stopped at the Landmark Diner, Rislyn. I had “6 onion soup” (Honestly? It was terrible! But I didn’t say so.) Moe & Ev had pea soup (looked good), had spanikopita (2 very tiny ones on a HUGE plate, Ev had a burger, we all had coffee… Almost 50$! (Good thing I’m consciously keeping my part of the meal ticket small… though Ev insisted I have more. The soup was so bad I didn’t want more. And it pushed right through me by the time we got back!) Anyway, it was a delight! Stopped for gas in Roslyn; cigs 9.50$. Not worth the trip. NYS TAXES! – Back at their place, they both got on me about my art talent and how I really should be making something of it.
(22.52 STENCH GURGGLING UP THE DRAIN! BLOODY DISGUSTING! SCREW THE RENT PAYMENTS! IT’S TIME TO PUT IT TOWARD GETTING OUT OF HERE!)
They’re both quite serious. I’m going to get another water-colour set-up for CT next wk. Even dead next month, I can leave some art-work for others to enjoy… or sell. – Spoke w/Penelope on my way back. She TOO is on me to produce. She wants me in the next exhibit. But there’s no time now. Drop is Sunday. Honestly, I don’t see what they see either in me or my work. But WTF? I’m really not doing much else, and PIC has probably dropped me by now. So? Paint. Draw. Stipple. Something. – Tomorrow it’s to be an early day at Tilden w/Penelope. It’ll be good to see her. I hope she’ll be well sll day. I’ll do some work there… for a change. – And so, went to Duane Reade for cigs. Took my time. Cool breeze but HUMID! Still, better than this hot shit-box… On that note, next entry section (keep the good separate…)
(PostTime: 23.24) Rockaway Park is REALLY going to shit! On B116, young Black girl w/SCREAMING baby; some idiot asked for a cigarette (NOT at 10$/pack!); fire engines on The Blvd. at B114, at a place on The Blvd.; Mexicans and Ricans all over the street; the lowBlacks are moving in; Darlene (from up-stairs) swishing along like some cheap piece of stuff; Phil has taken over the porch; he and Drln hollering about something; nr7’s TV droning through the wall; now (23.12) screaming from the street. And as I was coming in, Ms.Denise in the store-front, turning on the lights diwn there. It’s only a matter of time before this place is just over-run by vermin (of all kinds and sorts). It’s the damnedest shame. As hard as some work to make it better, the “shitSpics”, “Wet-backs” and “Niggers” fight 10x harder to destroy. It’s time to GO! – I looked back to last year’s entry on nyc8539266 and it was the same thing. Only then, it was The Shelter. How things can remain “same” in different places. Sad. Almost depressing. But annoying.
Well, no drinks tonight. Too hot and an early morning. Forecast is for some heavy rains. No beach again. Hopefully they’ll take the humidity. The heat is expected to stay though. This is getting stupid. And here I am, a block from the open Atlantic… no view, no breeze, no swimming. Stupid… but it CAN AND IT WILL change! – Time to try for sleep. The place has gone calm… AT BLOODY LAST!

9.Jul:
(PostTime: 1.27) When I got in it was 30*. I haven’t done anything and it’s 31BLOODY.DEGREES in here! OK. I should be asleep, not having a drink (I’m not tired but anxieties rule the night… about noises to come… the BANGS as I try for sleep. I DO HATE THIS HOUSE!) And I’ve been surfing GayNYC tribes. Shallow. Not a foto. And I cleared one boots. Vanila, as far as I’m concerned. It’s just UNbelievable! And I’m not about to lower my standards or settle. ALL my life I’ve done just that; being afraid to let go, even for one stupid moment. LOOK! Look and see where it’s got me! Too friggin late! Just too friggin late. Stupid. That’s what it was. Stupid. It really is all too short, the time, the life-span. And so wasted. Gone now. Just gone. So, OK. I’ll leave this entry in. I’ll understand it but nibody else will. (Though they’ll believe they do. IDIOTS! MORONS!)
“He was so talented.”
“He was so funny.”
“He was so intelligent.”
“He was an amazing person.”
“He had so much.”
“He gave so much.”
(He was such a fking brain-dead idiot!)
(PostTime: 18.11) Shabbat begins. 31* in here. Dinner and dishes done. A bit of wash on the rack. KHRNY (with a little static just beginning). The house is calm… for now. I GOT IN SWIMMING TODAY! Got to Tilden about 9.30/45. Helped Penelope move a shelf unit to the kitchen and headed to the beach. About 5 people there. Many small breakers. Temp not cold enough to refresh but not nasty warm. A little foamy. But I almost could have stayed in all day. Back to T7, shower at T6 (memories of when I HAD to shower there), lunch. I brought my hahdberld eggs. By the time that was all done, no time for art! And Penelope’s stone had absorbed MUCH humidity during the week. She couldn’t work either! BUT the clouds surrounded Tilden, yet Tilden remained sun-lit all day. It was quite a good day, all told. – Back at Bedlam, I came in, put wash (under-things) in to soak, dinner (franks and kraut) on, rang EL (for car plate nr. We NEED the oarking permit). We schmoozed. Then I ate, did wash and dishes. – Noe I truly want to NAP!
(PostTime: 19.43) At 19.27, I was sort of waking from my nap. Nice song on the radio. “THUMP THUMPTHUMP THUMP” on the door. I said “Just a minute.” No response. I put on my shorts, fumbled with a shirt. “THUMP THUMP THUMP” on the door. I said nothing. I mean, really! The room isn’t that big. Where the hell might I be? I’m dressed, I open the door. Nobody there. How about that? I’ve a feeling it was Barbara. It would be nicd to see her, but I just don’t want to go up there, in the staleness and heat, drinking hang-over vodka, artificial sweetener, lemon juice and water. It does me no good. If it was Ms.D. however, I’m more than happy to have missed the opportunity to tell her “Put it in writing.” – Meanwhile, I could fall right back to sleep here. I don’t know why I don’t. HOPEFULLY I’ll be tired enough at 21.30 AND THERE WILL BE SILENCE (fat fking chance here) and I’ll sleep early, wake early tomorrow, get to Tilden early AND get some art-work done! – Now, to look for something Hebrew to illuminate. I’d like to make something for Moe and Ev.
(PostTime: 22.22) The Idiot will exist forever. It is Nature’s striving for balance. The mind of the idiot is simple. The minds of others are complex. Thus, more idiots.
I tried to do an illumination of this, on vellum, with markers. The gold pen is quite shit. That’s what I get from Michael’s. Cutsy artsy-craftsy. The markers aren’t bad though. But it’s a miserable 31 inlhere and I’m sweating too much to draw. Add, Phil’s brat running and yelling in the hall. (Idiots reproduce!) Then, Penelope has been calling. I tell people that I don’t answer the phone after 21.30 and NOT on Fri. night-to-Sat. night. Yes, I hope she’s OK. Yes, I’m concerned. No, she’s never offered to drive me home in the rain (or to the banque in Breezy). “Balance”. She doesn’t answer her door “if you didn’t call”. I don’t answer my phone on Shabbat. Simple. Like-wise: I don’t disturb the peace if others; others will not disturb mine. I’ll phone the authorities… even on Shabbat. – It’s time for a drink and some sttempt at sleep. If I open the transem, there will be more noise. So this bratshit disturbs me even more! Nope. No more rent pissed away here. SAVE TO MOVE! Even for 30 days, if that’s all it is. – Which reminds me: Schmulik really cares… he makes no effort to see “the one that got away”. Life is interesting… and such a waste.
(PostTime: 22.24) ***** ANOTHER DUPLICATE POST! ***** (Previous 22.22 posted twice.)

10.Jul:
(PostTime: 7.01) I’m “heavy with fatigue” this morning. It’s the only way I can describe it. Very heavy. As if I woke, entirely too early out of an extremely deep sleep. Hmmm. I wonder. Well, it’s cloudy out there with just a touch of sun. MAJOR rains in the forecast. I’ll do coffee, maybe a bit more on the illumination. Try for Tilden. I doubt there will be beach. Alas.
(PostTime: 22.29) WHAT a truly “Rockaway” day! Started with me being angry. No reason in particular. I was just angry. I left the house angry. Passed Phil on The Blvd. At B115. Helene was SCREAMING into her phone! SCREAMING! Phil pointed it out to me. But all round, it just felt angry. The air felt angry. I get on the 22. At Tilden, s woman walks in with me. She’s pissed at the MTA. We talked about the nasty bus drivers. Angry. – So I’m walking toward T7 and Penelope comes off the porch to meet me. SHE was worried “all night” because I didn’t return her calls. Yup. I’m in her sons’ place. She whole-heartedly was worried. We settled the issue. I told her I turn the phone off when I go to bwd in Fri. night. – So. Tommy’s there today. He’s telling how he got out of a moving car last night. Argument with a gurl-friend. – Next, an RAA meeting. Killians and all! James asked me again if I was coming in from Manhattan! I ignored him completely. – The sky was heavy with clouds all day. But as Penelope and Brian were getting ready to leave, they decided to go to Connely’s! BUT… Tommy and I git them to come to the beach. TOMMY AND I WENT IN SWIMMING! He’ll never know how great that was for me: he and I, practically alone together in the GREAT waves! He’s so natural in the ocean. And it was such fun to swim, together, separate. An NYC Parkie tried to get us out: fishermen’s beach. I was in no mood. I pointed out that the beach is usually packed with swimmers but, because we were 2 White men, WE couldn’t swim! The Parkie made a little argument and then keft. I went right back un. The waves were great, beach empty, Tommy was in there! – It started to rain. Penelope (who stood on the beach w/Brian as Tommy and I swam) called us in. WELL! We got to T7 as the drizzle came and then turned to doiwn-pour! Tommy went to shower. In the rain, I showered. The sea-weed that accumulated in his and my trunks! Just there, at the shower. So cute. – We sat out the storm on the porch. When it was time ti leave, P. bowed-out. Her stomach again…
(PostTime: 22.39) She stopped the Prevacid. So, Tommy, Brian and I went to Connelly;s with Pepe (Bruan’s littke dog). Luckiky, I had money in the acct. 3,00$ charge (Chase!) for 40$. Good thung I had it. Each round was almost 20$! But Pepe drank the pina ciladas, got drunk, held by the bar-maid and sat on the bar! – (I’m exhausted and 4 pinas. Ate 2 fried egg sanwiches a bit ago. Headache. Will drift to sleep, Tommy and I in the Atlantic…)
(PostTime: 7.41 11.Jul:) Sat.10: So, each of us got a round plus the buy-back. 4 pina coladas in all. We sat, for the most part, out-side. And thankfully, it was empty. Some guy came along selling DVDs and Tommy says “Where’s your porn? I know you have porn.” The guy reaches into his bag, pulls out a small plastic bag with the “porn”. The titles on straight porn are no better than some Gay porn (but nothing like “Shaving Ryan’s Privates” – one Gay title I’ll never forget). So we got a kick out of the titles. – At one point, I took a quick stroll to the boards at B94. Just because I could. Timing? Lufthansa was coming in to JFK. I had to stop walking to watch. Seeing the planes so closely is part of what brought me here. The heavy rains took the heat and humidity. It became a beautiful evening. – I think we got there about 17.30, left at about 20.30. Brian dropped Tommy and I at Duane Reade (I needed cigs). He (Brian) marvelled at the sun-set over the bay (another thing that brought me here). I wrnt in to Duane Reade, Tommy went to the pay-phone. When I came out of DR, he was on the phone. I rang Penelope. We talked until I got in. – Connely’s: A bar I could get too comfy in. Wood all over. Juke with all kinds of music (incl. Country, 50s/60s). And, of course, so close to the beach. Well, I can’t afford a “home-bar” these days… physically or financially. Old. And it’s strange how The Blvd is such a damned slum, but the street is so nice. Still, the area is just too Black. Not the bar though. Rockaway is a dicotomy of strange sort. A place that makes no sense at all. A place where I reside. – A note: Some reference to homelessness was made during the evening, the tough part of it. Tommy said to me “I can’t talk. Nobody knows about that better than you.” (I’d made ref. to my DHS towel earlier. It’s become just another part of my existence. And here, in Rockaway, it’s just that, and nothing more. Rockaway… a strange country.)

11.Jul:
(PostTime: 7.50) Oh! How I’d luv to sleep the morning away this morning! It’s 28 and no humidity in here! Haven’t checked the weather out-side yet. But I need to get out to Tilden early. – I would have the opportunity to participate in this exhibit today. But I have no work to hang! Still, remnants of the destruction. Yet more bitterness lingers. I’ll work to get rid of that. Back to water-colours… but no refs. save on-site. These will be more difficult (bitch!) but I’ll manage some-how. Now I need to work to move and improve. I should just go to my beach chair and wait for the tide. – I also need to get together and get to The Fort this morning. 9.00? Round about that.
(PostTime: 15.16) WASTED! Got Penelope’s work hung. Made a sign fir info. charges on the porch. Period. WASTED!
The idiots started pouring in to hang their work. CHAOS! ATTITUDE! FRICTION. TENSION. I sat quietly on the porch. T7. By 14h I’d had enough. Can’t go to the beach. Throngs were heading in! Can’t work. No place to get comfortable. Too hot and humid. J.Killian was being a pain about smoking. I entertained the notion: Go get water-colour supplies. I started by investing in it and it paid off. So? Just before I got to the 35 it pulled away. The 22 was there. I got it back to Bedlam (where the hootin’ is happenin’ e’en now). P-butter/crm.chs/honey/pita x2. Nap.
Penelope gave me some water-colours. They were her sons’. How it must get to her to part with them. What an honour to me.
I’m very tired. Nap. Later, a swimm
(PostTime: 19.50) Let’s talk wasted day. Woke at 18h! Alarm was set for 16h! Well, it’s not like I could DO anything with the rest of the day. Sunday.
But there was some kind of party (AGAIN! AND AGAIN IN THE PORCH! KIDS RUNNING IN THE HALL! I’m BLOODY FED right the FK up! “This is not a party house. The boardwalk is big enough for that.” (House Rules) MORE BULLSHIT! Well, more ammo for court.
Jerk chicken on the stove. Dinner. No dessert. Need groceries but not this week. Empty fridge when I leave.
I NEED LUGGAGE NOW TOO! Oh well.
Tomorrow I’ll be running about: paint supplies, parking permit, lampe tube replacement… BEACH? WTF is BEACH? Tues. is work. Wed. is free(?) and no Tilden. But I must stop whining.
19.49 BOB TAYLOR’s IN CARDIAC ICU! Prog. not good.

(PostTime: 6.10 12.Jul:) Sun.11 cont. Barbara rang. “Thank you for the book. I started reading it and there are some interesting things in it… Bob’s not doing so good. He’s in the hospital.” I just saw him on Fathers’ Day! Now, the hospital is telling her to find a Hospice! He’s FULL of MRSA and, from what Barbara tells, it’s gone into his blood and brain! MRSA! He hasn’t felt well for a while, had tests for all sorts of things, they couldn’t find MRSA? They say it began in his defibrilator and pace-maker; that it’s something that happens. The surgeon says that there’s absolutely nothing they can do now. AND that, if he didn’t have the defib. and pace-maker, he’d actually die much sooner. It makes me sick to think that the things that were supposed to help him live a longer, better life are now the very things that are not only killing him but will prolong his misery. It’s sickening and quite frightening. – Add to this the fact that the hospital (LIJ) is pressuring B. to find a place to put him. They admitted him on Fri. evening and then tell her they’re discharging him on Monday (today)! They expect her to find someplace over a wk-end! She sounded numb. Of course. She said she “can’t wrap her mind around it”. No. Of course not. And these “people” tell her such a thing on a wk-end, when there’s no support available to her. This is an ugly, apathetic world. It’s disgusting. Just bloody disgusting.
Whilst I’m on the phone w/Barbara, Penelope tries to get me. I rang her when B. and I were done. Seems the Killians gave P. a hard time about her work. Now, P. hung 4 pcs. She’s entitled to 6 according to the “call”. Martha however, hangs 6 paintings AND 2 poems! and wants to re-arrange P’s works. Their little committee simply called for 6 pieces of “wall art” but never specified size, of pieces or space allowed. NO PLANNING. NO THINKING. Artists brought 6 pieces (Martha brought 8) and they ran out of space! Gee. Imagine that. So the Killians and the Schulmans are now pissed-off and everybody’s vying for top decision-maker. RAA. Right.
(PostTime: 6.41 12.Jul:) 11.7 cont. GREAT! The friggin pgm. for this blog turns type to emoticons! Nr.8 with paren.) is a smiley w/sun-glasses. Martha hung EIGHT pcs. NOT a smiley face! – So, P’s wound-up about that. I just take it as typical. Actually, I’d predicted turmoil even as we hung P’s work at 9h. Sometimes I amaze me.
Next. I ring Ev. Mimi has 24hr. HomeCare. There’d been talk of Hospice for her. I wondered if Ev knew if anybody in Mimi’s family found a Hospice. Well, it didn’t come to that. But what hit me as I spoke w/her is:
.Penelope brushed off the news of Bob w/the insignificance of the Killian matter. THAT was to be exoected!
.Ev got clinical, said “You can’t solve the problems of the world, although I know you’d like to.” and “She has to talk with a Social Worker.” and “This really isn’t your problem.” and “I’m sure you’ll give her all the support you can.”
I’m disappointed in both of them. But you know? I’m the idiot in this. Imagine? I should even think that somebody would offer some participatory aid/support. WOW! I truly CAN be such an arse. P. tells me how wonderfully kind she is because she got a cup of water for some old biddy who had to take a pill at T7. Ev says B. needs to talk w/a Social Worker (useless as they are… hello Rosann/PHC) w/out thinking it’s a wk-end AND recalling how Booth handled Moe’s d/c on Xmas Eve!
No. This isn’t our problemme. But I luv how THEY are ready to jump on ME when it comes to support. But now I’m looking for just a little aid and, as always, I’m going it solo.
Let’s add: I want Moe to have a parking pass for Tilden. I’m going to get it. P. needs one as well and could offer to drive both of us over to get them. But SHE’S more concerned about what Jose will think of her if she goes to get HERS while he’s in the office! AND no offer to take me w/her. I can take the bus. (Only good enough to go to The Shelter again.)
As someone said to me years ago: I expect people to be like me; to be considerate of others… and that’s wrong of me because I get disappointed…
(PostTime: 6.52 12.Jul:) when others fail to have my compassion. It’s true. Yes. But these days I’m disappointed, but no longer surprised. My Mum’s gone from this world… the Truly Good People are dead and gone.
OK. So I woke at 5.30 to get to the beach w/the other things I want to accomplish today. Here it is, almost 7h and I need to re-think my day. Tilden this morning. A visit w/to Penelope AND a shot at the beach. Then off to get painting supplies for ME! You know? I’M NOT going to worry about Moe’s parking permit. It’s not my prob. I’m not going to worry about Penelope’s efforts to get T7 ready for next Sunday’s opening. I’m not in the exhibit, I’m not in RAA. It’s not my prob. I want to get in some sun and swimming and painting and out of this dump and out of this Creation. These are my concerns. And I want to lend a hand to Bob and Barbara. My day just got easier. When coffee “kicks in”, I’m off to do MY day. The End.

12.Jul:
(PostTime: 23.46) Let me start by documenting: Penelope knows my phantasies about Tommy. And it’s put our relationship in such a comfortable place… for both of us. I just got off the phone with her, laughing, talking “Brokeback Mt.”, and Shirl’s rumour of having seen Adam getting a blow-job behind T7. (Odd… I could’ve seen it the other way round.) OK. So…
I’VE DONE IT! INVESTED 121,11$ IN WATER-COLOUR SUPPLIES TODAY! I INVESTED IN ME, MY DREAM, MY OLD DREAM. I’M AN ARSE! A COMPLETE TURD! NOW I MUST DO SOMETHING WITH THIS. NO CHOICES. But I also got the paints I like. I just can’t get myself to use Penelope’s sons’. 1st: They mean the world to her. As a second: they’re practicaly new! And, OK, 3rd: I prefer Windsor Newton. Still… I don’t have 121,11$! It’s time to get to work! SERIOUS WORK!
Next? Spent too much time at Tilden this morning. I’d wanted a swim tonight, but got in too late. And a 3-egg sandwich for dinner. One portionlof chicken left. But she really didn’t want to let me leave. She’s feeling those pangs lately and my confidences are opening things of hers. Ev says it’s good for her and bad for me. I don’t think so… yet. So I helped with a bit of washing im T7,.she dropped me at the 35 at about 13.15 and I was off to The City…
Utecht. 23rd:7/8th. SALE on brushes and little water-colour blocks! About 30$ there. Not bad.
Walked to Flax, 23rd:5/6th. Nothing!
M3 to 14th. Deposited the cheque for 135$ at 14th/5th and walked to NY Central on 3rd/12th. One little set of Windsor Newton, 130$! NOT!
Walked up to 14th, train to 8th, E to Canal… Pearl.
They’d JUST sold the ladt set I was looking for! I was crushed. I’m livid anyway because I HAVE TO REPLACE EVERYTHING! MAY C.Y.M. ROT IN ETERNAL EXISTENCE WITH HER 2 SIBLINGS AND HUSBAND! BUT! I found a nice set of oils (going to RAA) in a wooden box and the paints I wanted. I bought both for MUCH LESS than that little set. (I’ve replaced the oils already. The “kit” is ready! I’ll give the oils to RAA. It’s more than an annual membership…!)
(PostTime: 24.14) And so, on the A to The Rock. Rang Penelope from the train… talked all the way from 88th. – On B116, that schmucj k with the yarmulke who keeps bugging me for money comes up AT me, yelling ‘My name is Joseph! I have my yarmulke!” Today he got it! I yelled “I’m on the phone! Buzz off!” and a few profanities. “You’re a nasty person!” he yells at me. I told him he doesn’t know how fking nasty I can be. Poor Penelope had to hear it all.
Yes, I’m happy about having my water-colours back. NO! I’M NOT HAPPY THAT I HAD TO BUY FROM SCRATCH! The shit’s MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE NOW! Joseph got it AND what was due him.
So, in the impending storm and refreshing wind, P. and I wound up our chat in the serenity of Tribute Park.
En route to Bedlam, I broke down, bought a winfow fan. Another 40$ when I had a Vornado! The bitterness is rising in me something awful. BUT! It didn’t so much cool as it kept the temperature in here at 29 as I cooked. (And now it’s brining it down to 27.) An OK investment. I might need a blanket tonight!
Rang Barbara. No answer. Ate. Did dishes. Rang Penelope again. And now? I’m going to be sorry at 5h when I have to get up. Driving into The City at 10.
(I keep smelling sandalwood in the air.)
One thing: Tommy. Why am I having these feelings? The swim keeps running through my mind. I rinsed his swim trunks this morning. Just did it. No feelings attached. (P. said she wishes she could wash Jose’s shorts. How we laughed! I could have taken the trunks. Nobody would know. But I didn’t. I confided that I know my little phantasy will never amount to anything. She thinks he has “feelings” that straight men can develop. I CAN’T let me develop “feelings”. Certainly NOT for Tommy. But that swim was so good for me. He’ll always be in the waters at Tilden.
Now? To sleep. I could appreciate a shower… but not now.
KHRNY on air. Fans going. Coolness.
(PostTime: 24.19) 12.07: On the train back, I actually planned to re-do the Split Rock Falls. Beginning of healing?
(And WHY do I smell SANDALWOOD?)

13.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.35) My head hit the pillow and I was OUT! COOLNESS! Even at 27. BUT I tell you, it’s not a pretty morning. I’m exhausted and ready for more sleep.
DREAM: Something involving sister. Fighting politicians. A road torn up inconveniencing the population: couldn’t drive in it, couldn’t get the bus. And a joke I made on the A train w/Penelope yesterday: when I lost the cell signal at Howard Beach/Broad Channel I told her it was because of Kennedy airport. But I said “Blame it on Kennedy.” In the dream, some woman politician was arguing with me (a short blonde). When I told her that I was going to go public with her indiscretions she became quite nervous. I said something w/regard to Kennedy and she threatened somehow saying I shouldn’t pick on Kennedy. When I yelled “Why do you thunk Kennedy should be given special consideration; as you’ve implied?” she became VERY nervous, replying “I only amplied [sic]… a…a…a…mplied…” The press caught it and I walked away, certain I had something on her. The press wanted to interview me but I told the reporter that everything will be made in public statements.
I don’t recall a lot of the details any more. I’d dozed after the alarm and that was the dream.
Meanwhile… I’m not sure about when to be at Moe’s this morning. I’ve got 10h on the sched. But…
Oh, and the sandalwood scent last night? The Gain fabric softner. 3 shirts, hand-wash.
(PostTime: 23.13) OK. The day: At about 8, Ev called. The Dr. isn’t in and is going on holiday for 2 wks. What to do? Shop, of course. So, instead of getting there by 10 I was there at about 12.30. Just in time for the deluge! It RAINED (at last)! By about 14h we were out, at PC at the little mall. Cheese calzone (all I’ve eaten all day). On to Stop’n’Shop where Moe and I took half the store, Ev took the other. Brought us up to about 16h anyway. Back to the flat where I helped un-pack (maybe 17h) and we schmoozed. I left about 18.30. – From Myrtle, I rang Penelope to ask her opinion on how much I’m charging/day for the trip to CT. WELL! She confirmed: “MORE THAN GENEROUS!” Then she tells me Shirl wants more than 32sq.ft. for ArtSplash to exhibit Maggie! I lost it. Told her that Shirl has had her shit all over RAA AND LEFT MAGGIE now, for MONTHS! NOT FAIR! Nobody else enjoys those privileges. I think P. understood. But I doubt it. Then we talked Tommy/Jose, &c. – Meanwhile, I waited for a bus! FINALLY a 21. I got on… off to The Rock. In at almost 21h! – Put the fan in, rang Moe. Thanked him for lunch. “It’s always our pleasure.” He felt badly that I had to wait so long for the bus. – Then rang Barbara. The hospital said they’d get her an aide… 4hrs x 5 days! She asked if I could give her time other than that! Now, I could take back the assignment via PIC at about 6$/hr. after tax and work my arse off OR I can give her 15hrs at 10/ and work my arse off. I told her I’d make the time for her. I assured her that the hospital will try to get Bob out but she’s not to worry; they can’t discharge with no safe place to send him. So… – Next? Penelope. She didn’t know I’m not RAA lately and suggested I pay membership “just to be on the safe side”. I told her that if ANYBODY made me feel unwelcome there, I’ll go right to D.C. They’re on Fed property. And I’d go to the local press and politicians. She calmed on the topic. – Anyway, off the phone at last at about 22.54. – More details, but I’m tired.

14.Jul:
(PostTime: 0.00) 27,5 in here. I’ve showered. Feels wonderful. – So: I’m not going to think of the “room and board” comment made by Ev. I’m going to see what she offers for the now, 3 days. (Their butt-head Keith is returning on Sat. night instead of Sun. I just hope he’s not as good-looking as his wedding photo. I’d do him. He’s a shit. But I don’t want LTR.) If there’s flack? I’ll be available only for business. – I’ve been missing Tommy. Not seriously. Just the “pondering”. I caught myself “pondering” in the market. Why? He’s not LTR or ANY relationship material. But… I suppose it’s OK. That swim kicked something. “This too shall pass.” – Bob: REALLY IS BOTHERING ME! I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want Barbara to suffer. MRSA! In his blood! In his brain! Coming from his heart?! The turned the defib off today. They can’t do that with the pacemaker and they can’t take that out. There’s a LOT they say they can’t do. I can’t acceot any of that. I wish I could give my time… – Penelope put the “Moe, Ev, Lois, Keith” thing in perspective. They’re Enablers. Much they could do: Tell Lois to deal with HER problem as an adult; tell Keith it’s THEIR house, NOT Lois’s and get out. But it’s NOT my concern. She’s correct. – Now I’ll wait to see if Penelope treats me differently, knowing I’m not RAA. I expect she will. I hope I’m wrong. If not? HER prob, not mine.
I should get some sleep here and now. We’re holding at 27,5.
The door to nr7 is a-jar. TV’s on. Lights are out. (Boots are in there!) – Porch door is open. – Relative silence. – Laundry and a trip to Bklyn tomorrow. I should get some sleep.
(PostTime: 0.02) NOTE: I find, of late, I’ve NO appreciation for people.
(PostTime: 8.03) Strange. Lately I seem to wake moments before the alarm. Then, the alarm sounds, I turn it off… And go back to sleep! Like this morning! Not that it’s a bad thing this morning. I’ve much laundry to get done. And the forecast? Drenching rain. Busses to take into Bklyn… in drenchin rain. – I woke to 26,5. I turned on the light. I made coffee. I checked the weather. 27. I generated heat by doing that. Why doesn’t it work that way in Winter?
DREAM: I don’t remember all. But I asked Ev about the daily fee for the wk-end: “Do you think it’s too much?” Promptly: “Yes… Yes I do.”
*****
As Penelope said: Either clear this up or let it go. M&E are good people and I’m doing so much “at bargain basement rates”.
As I say: YOU made the “5-hour rate”, not her. You asked then if it was OK. Obviously she agreed to it or you wouldn’t be going. LET IT GO. Don’t carry this.
IF SHE DID THINK IT TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW SHE’D SAY SO… OR MOE WOULD SAY SO. OK? OK!
(PostTime: 16.35) The day is about dead. I accomplished:
ONE NEW CARRY-ON BAG. Target, at The Junction. 19,98$. Clearance. Hidden behind several other bags. Green. Similar to the one I had, and TRULY ENJOYED. (RPH. R.I.P.) All because I need shoes for Saturday (schul). As I said to Penelope, this trip is COSTING me and we haven’t left yet. And, as she said, I could be at Tilden, on the beach, in Rockaway, hanging with her, swimming with Tommy… NOT being “On Duty”, in case of emergency. I’m becoming resentful. NOT GOOD! Anyway, I suppose the new luggage is a necessity. And it was a great bargain (IF it lasts). So… Now I need cigs, make a wash and I’m done. (And broke.) – Chicken is on. This phone-typing is shitty. It’s cooling out-side. The fans are on. Cloudy and humid. Tomorrow is supposed to be quite lovely (for the beach). I’ll be driving to CT, the market, settling-in. LaDfkingDa. Oh well. Let’s see about laundry. There’s 2 more hours shot away.
(PostTime: 21.14) Didn’t do the wash: sheets, jeans. Don’t care (much). Beard, nails: done. Packing: almost done.
Somehow, I’m not looking forward to this trip. No smoking. No freedom to travel about. Not sure about phone svce. Always (technically) on-call. Hmmmm. And MORE? I DON’T LIKE THE IDEA OF LEAVING MY BELONGINGS IN HERE, UN-GUARDED! I DIN’T TRUST ANY OF THEM. Oh well. We’ll make the best of it.
NOTE: IN ONE OF THE SHOPS ON B116: A PAINTED SIGN: “ROCKAWAY TIME”! STOLEN ALREADY! I’ll be considering a call on my Copyright.
Penelope confirmed to me: She doesn’t go to Tilden Wed.Thu. because no Jose. – She told me to try to make it Sun. “Thomas will be there.” Cute. Little does she know; my phantasies about him are only that and that’s where they must stay. Thomas could NEVER provide for my “needs”, phantasies, fetishes. Not in “reality”. Still, I think she enjoys the fact that she can talk with me about such things. Me? I certainly don’t mind. I have no “long term” this year.
Oh, I just want to note: I hear Shirl is telling how she saw Adam getting a blow-job behind T7. On a Thurs. night, during an open mic. Well, I wouldn’t doubt it, wish it had been me, am a little surprised it wasn’t other-way-round. But, I don’t know of Shirl attending open mic or what she was doing ‘looking out a window’ in T7. I wonder what sort of reaction this news would get at RAA… in the “right” ear.
OK. Enough. I’m going to try for a morning sun/swim tomorrow. Sunrise at about 5.30, me out there by 7, back by 9. Plenty of time. Plans.
Pillow cases still too damp for the bed. Oh well. No prob. Meanwhile… I wonder if I’ll find anything “interesting” in CT. Bachelor in house alone. (I’m scratching for something to make this trip attractive.)

15.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.00) I wake with the sun-rise because the forecast was for sun. No sun. “Overcast”. – I pack my swim-trunks for “a dip in the lake”. The forecast now says “fog” and “mostly cloudy”… all wk-end. And right now it’s 25* in here and 27 out there… with 81% humidity. – OK. It’s going to be a delightful experience. – But, as I recall, I painted on the rainy days… water-colours you know. And now, I have water-colours. – I have to re-pack; take the shoes out if the box. Have my coffee. Take a nap… apparently NOT on the beach.
(PostTime: 6.34) Re-packed. No better. Looked out the window. Not “overcast”. Boody cloudy. Don’t need to be in Glendale until 11.30. 5 hrs. fm now. Nap. In bed. Rest. I thought, as I (re)packed: It’s bound to be 3 days of: “My shoulder”, “my back”, “my hernia”, “my finger”, “my head”, “my teeth”, “my bridge”, “my feet”… MY GOD! – I need to stop this anticipatory anxiety. I used to like travel. (I’ve learned it’s no good w/others.) – This WILL be pleasant! Besides, it’s only Danbury. 684 to 84 and a right, instead of a left (to Nbg!). AWAY fm Nbg. Not exactly “foreign” territory. It WILL be “pleasant”!
(PostTime: 11.29) On the bus. The sky is clearing. The temp is hot. Humidity high. The room is filthy but ordered. I got away un~detected. And I don’t want to leave. More torture, just for a dollar. But… August is almost here. A chair, martini, a book, maybe music… high tide in, high tide out…
(PostTime: 7.03 16.Jul:) Thu.15: What can I say? We made it. But my sugnal is poor, at best.
(PostTime: 9.00 19.Jul:) To cont… I arrived 12.30. They still hadn’t done the packing and Moe wanted to bring all sorts of things. I talked him out of it. By almost 14h we were finally en route. Grand Centeal to Whitestone Br., The Hutch. – WOW! Everything inside me went mellow, being in The Bronx! It was “Home”, familiar. Felt like SO VERY MANY YEARS since the last time I was there. It was familiar. I felt Queens so far removed. It was the “Homeland”. It was “mine”, not “theirs”. I missed it some-how. – Off to Westchester. Pelham. Scarsdale, Armonk, Katonah. Names I knew. Familiar names. Comfortable names. It was good being back. – A stop at the Mobil on The Hutch and on to 684. I navigated on auto. I knew these roads. – At 84, I barely noticed the sign for Nbg and headed right to Danbury. AT LAST! CT. – On route we talked about Mimi. Owns the place in Qns, a house in Waubeeka, TWO in The City! AND wants cheap HomeCare! I politely pointed out how inexpensive I am and how it appears to others when they see Mimi’s assets. “She could never part with them.” Right. Another “WantGimme”. No sympathy from me there. – We stopped for lunch at a little deli. I had a MilkyWay (old) and a Coke. The had a sandwich. (I’m staying low-budget on this trip.) Next; Trader Joe’s where Ev paid groceries and at the ladt min. told Moe to look for cookies. By the time he’d decided, she was at the door and I stood there, alone, holding the cookies (which I promptly returned). It’s difficult: the disorganisation. It’s annoying. But, I dodge it. – On to Stop’n’Shop where, in moments, I got what was needed whilst Ev used the loo. Then I see Moe making an employee take SOME grapes fm pre-pkgd and out them in another bag. The spoiled customer routine. I’m learning… but the salvation is how screwed their lives are… “no better” than most. Certainly not “above”. Anyway; I stopped at CVS where cigs are only 7,50. Got 3. Off to “the lake”… AT LAST! It was already about 17h.
(PostTime: 9.21 16.Jul:) A little “tour”. It truly IS BEAUTIFUL here. Hemlock. Birch. Clean wood-land floor. “Mountain On A Small Scale”. And under the hills is earth… not bunker. The road in climbs steeply and turns. A bit like Walker Valley, Shongum, Cragsmoor, &c. It was good to drive such roads again. Of course, there’s a gate. The “beaches” are small. The lake is fair. The “schul” is rather run-down and looks like a modified trailer. But the house is BEAUTIFUL! Rustic. Built on rock. Very heimlische. – It took as long to un-load as it did to get on the way. Instead of bringing things in, there were 2 “children” who failed to focus and were all over the place. I un-loaded the car and went to talk with Pete and Heather next door. (Heather tells: Lois blew a potential job by her attitude. I later mentioned this to M&E which caused great anxiety. BUT I’d also pointed out: Lois doesn’t work and Keith pays her expenses whilst living free in this lake house-it’s not in their best interest to change this!) – OK. on-ward: BOOTS! It was/is like a made-to-order! Not “used/abused” but, a little imagination and they’re just fine. (I HAD to mention.) – So, dinner was at 21h and we didn’t turn in until 24h. – First night done. I’m still not sure I like the situation. But… – Oh, Keith left a little note: “Dear Mom & Dad”… “Enjoy your visit”! NOT ONE BIT OF SELF-RESPECT! NARCISSISTIC TO THE HILT THOSE TWO! (And NONE OF MY BUSINESS! I must keep that in mind!)
(PostTime: 24.21 19.Jul:) Thu.15: Cont. fm. Bedlam:
Would you believe? I can’t, at this moment, recall what happened the rest of the day! (Well, it’s 29* out-side, humidity 40% and 30,5* in here. I’m just laying down.) I do believe it was a day at the house. Poor Ev and Moe looked for their things. Keith had re-orged the place. Ev kept saying she felt like a stranger in her own house. How awful! Tonight we ate chicken she’d gotten at the market and sat talking until VERY late.

16.Jul:
(PostTime: 9.35) So today: If I slept at all ALL night, I don’t believe it. One pillow. Half listening to make sure they were OK. By 5h I was ready to get out of bed. Had my coffe and cig. out back. Napped (?) 30 mins. (Got a boots off.) Showered. – Have entred this fm the porch. Moe just came to the kitchen for prune juice. He and Ev will nap a bit longer.
HEY! A MESSAGE FM ANGEL ORTEGA ON VOICE MAIL THIS MORNING! HE SOUNDS REALLY BAD! I’ll try him when I’m back in Queens. The signal here is miserable. IMAGINE! ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY I LEFT THE SHELTER!
(PostTime: 24.49 19.Jul:) Fri.16: Up with the dawn, quick coffee from the loo, out into the morning heat for a smoke, back in for a shower. TODAY I STARTED PAINTING AGAIN! PIECE OF SHIT, BUT I PAINTED! Out on the porch. – Moe and Ev woke rsther late. They’re on Florida-Retirement time. But, we’re in their Summer Home and, after all, they are retired. So breakfast was later in the day, followed by talking plans for dinner. – This afternoon I looked out the front door to see a sizeable garter snake on the rocks. How wonderful to see such a thing again! M&E were some-what amused that I wasn’t afraid of it. Moe couldn’t come down the stairs solhe watched from the window. I was delighted. – I painted a bit more, destroying the paper. How much technique I’ve forgotten over the years. I painted on the back porch. The house in central air, but I parked on the picnic table. Not bad… hemlocks and birch all about… and such beautiful peace and quiet! – Today we went to “the beach” down at the lake. A lovely little sandy soot. But, the water was bath-warm, the lake bottom is silty and slimy, the water, cloudy and smelled rather stagnant. Certainly not the Atlantic. But it’s been so hot, I went in anyway. Swam and floated about a bit just to cool down. Still, I couldn’t wait to get back for a good, rather hot shower. I certainly prefer the murk of the sea. Oh but, in the pockets of my trunks? SEAWEED from the lastlswim… with Tommy. I left it in the lake. – This evening was rather fun… Off through the back roads to Bethel for pizza and Dr. Mike’s ice cream there. The roads remind me SO much of Shongum! But the woods in Waubeeka remind me of Roosa Gap. The drive was beautiful. Bethel is so charming. The pizzaria, small, but the pie was ready when we arrived. Ev called before we left the house. “Vegetable” pizza. Ever so good. Then down the main street to Dr. Mike’s, 18% fat ice cream. 2,99$/small dish. But the “chocolate lace” was very good, indeed. – I had to leave the kippa at home. I was driving on Shabbat… (cont…)
(PostTime: 7.31 19.Jul:) (Cont…) When I mentioned it (in the car) Ev apologised and said I could turn round. But really! They were enjoying themselves so much and actually living their lives! (And sowas I. Driving in CT again.) So on we went. – It was wonderful! It was a life I never thought I’d live again… ever. – By the time we got back, it was rather late. Tonight I put my back-pack under my pillow to raise my head and slept so very well.

17.Jul:
(PostTime: 8.01 19.Jul:) Sa.17: I thought I’d make services this morning, but I was so comfortable… I slept in. Woke about 7.30-8. Coffee, smoke, shower. I went out and sat under the porch to begin a 2nd painting of the back woods. When they woke, round 11.30, went up-stairs. Told them I over-slept and we had breakfast together. They both raved over the painting (which still needed detail). I continued painting today. They continued to relax and try enjoying their invaded home. We discussed Moe’s surgery and coming back up after. I think they’re surprised that I enjoy it so much. – This evening I drove them and a neighbour to the Community Ctr. where they had a dinner and cabaret entertainment. I was certainly invited but certainly didn’t want the “cabaret”! – A Mrs. Nussbaum stopped me as I headed back. Asked ME about the pgmme. Noticed my kippa. I said “Yes. And I’m driving.” before SHE could comment. Havdalah svce. this eve. (I didn’t attend. Other plans.) – So with my time alone I went back to the house where I enjoyed: washing the car, a quick bit w/the boots (Keith should only know. I left… well, I’m in the left of e.pr. cowboys) and a nasty Manhattan w/the old rye and vermouth. Just one. 15 mins. of TV and it was 22h. Back to the Community Ctr. – As I drove in the magnificent darkness, a deer on the road. One can’t drive quickly due to the speed bumps, so it wasn’t a shock when the deer appeared. – We all retired almost immediately. – It’s just so wonderful up in CT. QUIET! Woods. Rocks. Dark and silent at night. Calm and quiet during the day. And so much like the Shongum! I miss my mountains. Truly.
(PostTime: 8.07 19.Jul:) (Cont…) As I came down the stairs tonight, a little tree frog on the front glass! I tookla photo of the silhouette. – When we got back, another right out-side the door! Moe later commented on how I simply picked it up to move it. I don’t think they quite believed how “at home” I am in the wild. (They should only know!)

18.Jul:
(PostTime: 8.32 19.Jul:) Sun.18: Another quiet start to the day, smoke and coffee under the porch. More painting. When M&E woke (almost 11h), breakfast together. – “And then it happened”… The beginning of the end. – About noon, Lois arrived. Friendly enough and all. But I can’t shake my dislike of her. She’s living well on her ex-husband’s support whilst HE lives delightfully free in the lake house. But I made nice. As I had a smoke, HE arrived. OK. Not bad. I’d do him. Not exactly what I expected and some-thing reminded me of the old man! (His b’day is Feb!) One thing in parricular; no upper lip. Nice enough. But I do believe he’s playing M&E some-how. I don’t trust him at all. But I’d already said that it’s in their (Lois/Keith) best interest to keep the situation as it is. – But the “encounter” went well. – When they left, M&E FINALLY got to their packing. I stayed out of the way. – Well? By about 17.30 we were out. None of us too happy about it. – A stop for gas. A stop for cigs. (7$.something per pack!) Moe got us a little bit off course but by 18.30 we were back in track. A stop at Stop’n’Shop for a pit-stop. To 84… west to NY. – Traffic to 684 was heavy. They let me take my route: The Taconic, Sprain, Cross Cty, Hutch to Whitestone. Wow! Did I enjoy THAT! They enjoyed the “scenic” route. – Back in Queens, I brought most of what they brought (a trunk FULL) up on 1st trip. 2nd trip emptied the car. – I stayed for a burger. Left them round 23h. – Got pd. 50/day. Ev offered more but I’m looking at the long-term of it. More money would be nicer. But more time is nicest. – The 53 came quick enough… PACKED! Back to the drudge.

19.Jul:
(PostTime: 8.37) To-day: ONE YEAR AGO, I JUMPED FROM THE SHELTER TO HERE!
It was 30,5* when I arrived. The door stuck fm humidity. No food/vodka in the house. I drank much water. Un-packed. Now I really need to make a wash! – Some aspirin, window fan in, to bed. – Today? Tilden. Threats of storms but I want a swim. We shall see.
(PostTime: 21.15) TWO AND A HALF HOURS IN THE OCEAN! WAH-HOO!
Caught in the rain as I got to TILDEN. A guy gave me a poncho! – Penelope brought lunch, “Welcome Home.” – When she left I went to the beach. – Thomas and Chris came for a swin. – Hot dogs/ice cream for dinner. Vodka tonic in the house.
Bob is in Calvary-Bklyn.
I’m so exhausted! The shit in better keep quier”

20.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.24) (19.Jul.) WOW! That’s some entry for yesterday. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open last night. No drinks necessary. Maybe it was the time in the ocean? Maybe it was the 4 days in CT? What-ever it was, it worked. The temperature in here did come down 2 degrees too. But immed. after finishing that entry, I rang 311 to shut the nonsense in the porch down. Screaming “WEPA!” and “We have a winner!” I reported “chronic” and “drunk”. I really should keep one if my complaint nrs. and check to see if there are sny responses to any of them. But… did I ever sleep through the night. And woke before the alarms this morning.
Yesterday at Tilden was a “no work” day for Penelope and me. We sat and talked all day. And she was dressed nicely (so I tend to believe she didn’t intend to work… she was very busy watching Jose). It started out with the rain, then cleared to hot and humid again. So there was no energy for working.
When she left she said she’d go to the 99cent store for my Dettol soap. (I tend to doubt it.)
But, I spent that hour IN THE WATER and how wonderful to suddenly see Thomas (and Chris) in the beach, to swim with friends here, not alone. Though I did tend to keep a bit to my-self. They’re Friends; I’m still older and newer. THEY came to swim, not US.
Still, Thomas did come fm. the Little League with a Snapple for me. I didn’t ask for anything. He’s quite a man. And Chris, offering the lift back. Granted, he was bringing Thomas to 114. But when I think of how many people go to Cross Bay, Waldbaums, &c. and won’t offer. And Penelope… only to the gate. Folks is funny.
Well, I had my 4 franks w/kraut and quite a bit of ice cream for dinner. So no hunger.
OH, AND I BUMPED INTO BARBARA WHEN I CAME IN FM. THE MARKET. I TOLD HER I’M PLANNING TO MOVE. NOW, I WONDER IF THAT WILL GET ROUND TO MS. D. MOST PROBABLY. SHE (B) SAID: “I’f I could find someplace to go, I’d stiff the LL out of a couple months rent.” SHE’S DAMNED FED-UP TOO. DENISE IS TURNING THIS PLACE UNDER. AND I TOLD B. ABOUT MY COMPLAINT OF(cont..)
(PostTime: 6.51) (cont…)THE GASSES UN THE SINK. THAT TOO WILL PROBABLY GET ROUND. I’m just at the end of all this shit. Truly.
What comforting news about Bob, getting into Calvary. I do hope they’ll treat him well. He shouldn’t suffer. And I wish there was more I could do for Barbara. But there may be time for that, in future.
I’m pretty much ALL “Private Duty” now. I’ll probably have to re-apply to PIC at this point. But I’ll have to watch my Cert. so it doesn’t expire. (Or move on… to CNA or those free LPN classes! Why do I still think of “long-term”? I DON’T WANT “LONG-TERM”. But now, there are M&E who depend on me. DEPEND ON ME! SHIT! DEPEND ON ME! MORE DEPENDants! The world depends on me… I can’t depend on any-one. Tough breaks there Kiddo.
And so…
This morning here:
Tues. 20 July:
The sun rises later again. The days grow shorter. Another year is past the mid-point. It passes so quickly. – I only rinsed under the T6 shower yesterday and never washed. Remnants of ocean in me. But I feel clean enough. – I’ve had coffee. (It’s “Tisha b’Av” and I’ve got Moe this morning and court tonight.) – Under-things soaking in the sink. I needlto soak/wash my jeans. (I need another pair. These are wearing in the seat. So quickly.)
Oh, and fm. yesterday:
Chris spoke of what it might be like to “live” out in Tilden. Thomas said “This is the man to talk to.” pointing at me.
Penelope said, later, “You look like a doctor. And when you open your mouth to speak… NO-BODY can believe you’re capable of such things.”
How terribly, poignantly, macabre-yet-amusing.
I need to do my laundry, get this damned day (in so many fashions of speaking) going. Why? I truly don’t know. Doesn’t make a difference one way or another… in the Greater scheme if things. Still, I do it.
(Double-spacing between sentances. Another dead facet of things.)
(The ivy from Guadagno died whilst I was away. Omen?)
(PostTime: 6.59) KHRNY has been all-instrumental. Of course! Tisha b’Av.
(PostTime: 8.15) “Dear Nasty Ass”… Well, the note in the East Loo isn’t quite so polite but apparently “Pedro”(8) is not happy. And yes, it stinks of faeces. And yes, tjere are flies. And I wonder what response I’d get fm Dept. of Health. As if I care.
(PostTime: 18.01) Pepino B. has died. 5 days after he moved to FL, he died in his sleep. May he rest in the peace he was not afforded in life.
The morning: Arrd at just before 9, left at about 9.35. Moe insists on last-second info. We drove to QnsBlvd. But parked right out-side the bldg. Though he read his own 41 as 71 (and then denied it). I had to phone for the addr. 71. Not 45mins later, done The shit is hitting the fan over their CT house. Ev is showing her “SocialWorker” mentality. They signed no papers in Lois’ divorce and have no copies of anything. Essentially, they’re being taken by their daughter. But if the laws in CT are the same as in NY, they now must evict Keith in court. Ev will neither listen to or accept reason. She doesn’t want to think about any of it, accepts no reasonable info and refuses to even investigate. I searched the RealProperty laws on-line and req’ed a link to them fm the CT.gov. NOW I’M PROVIDING LEGAL AID! But my own curiosity keeps me going as well. Still, the discovery if Ev’s SW stance is disappointing and cause for concern.
When Moe and I returned fm the podiatrist, Dee(VNS) crossed the pking lot. “Our last pt. expired.” Then chit-chat with Lori r/t Mimi. Then “You know… the one in Middle Village… in the bldg.”. Very cut and dry. The news brought tears. She noticed. “I see the news affects you…” DUH! Anyway…
At Bedlam, jeans into soak. Nap x1hr. They’re dripping on the rack.
Now, I’m in the CourtHouse. Helene just arr’d. I’m excrutiatingly tired. Shouldn’t be here (Tisha b’Av). At The Rock, the tide is up, the sky is clear. Perfect for a soak in the sea. And tomorrow? Driving the Greenbergs into The City. After today, (knowingly making the Dr. appt. on my court date AND the rejection of reason r/t the CT house), I’m going to get tomorrow evening to ME! for another swim.
Now off to reality… I’m TIRED!
(PostTime: 23.58) Well, I spoke w/Helene this eve. We agreed to go for the 28Sept nxt hearing. We even got a chuckle when I said “By the time we finish this we’ll be living in Neponsit” and I told her I want the judge so she can persue other options not available if we go arbitrator. So? Sept. May I be dead by then.
Back by about 20.30. The other jeans washed.
Told Ev I have to go to Calvary tomorrow. She was rather curt at first. But said it was a good idea. (I just want the afternoon off! I’m not going to Calvary!) But just now I found the travel is the Q35 to The Junction and the B11 right there. Both busses end-to-end.
Spoke w/Penelope tonight. She warned me agaunst getting too involved w/the ceap w/M&E. (Me? I’ll give them the guns and ammo BUT I WILL NOT PULL THE TRIGGER! PERIOD! Even P. said I’m going too far w/the Legal Aid. AND SHE’S RIGHT!) And if course we discussed “romance”; hers and mine. I wonder if she’d ever tell Thomas. She mentioned his jail time when I said I windered what he’d do if he knew I was interested. I told her, that’s a MAJOR reason I DON’T dare make a move: suppose he’d been violated! I’d drown myself to escape the pain of knowing I’d brought THAT back! She agreed. (And, ad much as I’d like to dress his wounds, give him the adoration I FEEL he deserves, I just suppose… I can-not.)
So, now it’s later than I’d like. KHRNY is back. A small vodka-tonic. 28,5*. Fans going. I NEED SLEEP! The TV is on next door. I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS MAD-HOUSE! And… I’m hungry… yoghurt for dinner. I forgot I have franks. Too late now. SLEEP! BEACH TOMORROW! TILDEN!

21.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.15) I want to go back to sleep! It’s 24 out there, 27 in here, 3 shirts in soaking already. And to think, I actually woke at 5, before the alarms… and went back to sleep until the 2nd. 10 days to accumulate 800 and I’m out of coffee as of tomorrow. These are my morning thoughts. Alas.
(PostTime: 22.49) At 21.57 I finished my daily correspondences! And I’d had the day pretty much entered and the fking phone shut off! So here I’ll go again! (30 BLOODY degrees inlthis hole! and I’m wet fm sweat! BOTH fans going to no avail. Life on the shore? FK DAT!)
Moving along…
Yes, I do what I do because it has to be done and I’m able. My Mum is STILL very much present in Creation: I carry on her Life, Tradition, Philosophy. And, like her, “above and beyond”.
P. needs to talk her “romance” and avoid her solitude.
B. needs (though she’s distant) to understand Bob’s situation, avoid the reality of it, dodge her own potential lonliness.
M&E need to maintain mobility, confide out-side the family structure, talk.
Me? I now have “Dependants”, a sense of “responsibility” to these people. And I want OUT and AWAY FROM this “life”! But nobody knows that, and if they did, they wouldn’t even TRY to understand and certainly wouldn’t support ME on it. But… that’s how it is.
So… I was hoping for Tilden today. DASHED.
Got to M&E by 10. A few twists in travel but got to the Dr. by 11.30. EARLY. Parked at 86/Park. TWO HOURS for the appountment. THEN a chest X-ray. Walkimg distance but M. gets distracted and slows down… in this heat! I half-jokingly said I’d borrow the car for my errands. He seriously said OK!
(I have to finish in the morning.)

22.Jul:
(PostTime: 7.43) (Wed.21.7) We got to the office, no sooner sat, time to pay more psrking. The receptnst said 1 pt before Moe so I decided to drive round… for almost an hour. – I got up to 96/2nd and the bldg. is still there, still old…
Sinclair George, Duncanson & Holt (I JUST REMEMBERED!) re-insurance on John St. He was SUCH a Romantic. And I remember one day in particular: I’d had a cold and a touch of fever. Somehow, as we were “making luv”(?) I suddenly decided to get fkd. WELL! IT PLOWED THE COLD RIGHT OUT OF ME! CURED! – I wondered, as I looked up at the bldg. if he’s still around, if he’s even still alive.
Even that damned island is crawling with the Past, from end-to-end:
.Battery Park: Mama
.WesternUnionPlz: Containership Agency (Remo Borst, Elliot, AnnRay, Peggy)
.WTC: Zim, CORFO, DelloiteHaskinSells
.BatteryParkCty: Nancy Hudson, Beatrice, Spinners Summer Concert
.Sheridan Sq: Limelight, Mama & Barbara
.Perry St.: Guy Wonder
.12th Av.: Spike (Sam)
.W13 St.: LURE
.W14th: Anvil
.W21st St: les Mouches
.E21st: Larry Bash
.E22nd: Jeanna
.E23rd: Paul & Irv
.E24th: Zur
.E26th: TJ McCarthy
.26th/Lex: Tony
.3rd Av.: Dakota, Jared, So.Dakota, Sarge’s, Uncle Charlie’s
.30th/1st: The Shelter
.35th?/Lex: Jeff
.42nd/5th: Mama (Takishamaya)
.E42nd: A night in the Grand Hyatt w/Zur & 2 out-of-towners
.W43rd: Bradshaw
.E83rd St.: Mama (Oddesy.”Native NYer”)
.E96th St.(?): Luis Rangel
.136th/Lennox: Pat, Tyke, Ruben
.Hamilton Pl.: Joyce, Cynthia, Alex, Allen, Jean, Nakkia, Vodka, Precious, (Blue)
.Washington Hts.: Kos
.Inwood: Michael Hill
(Where do these memories come from? Where are all these people, these places today? WHY am I still here to recall them?) As I say; the ENTIRE island, end-to-end. – One drive round one area, by one bldg. and the “damage” of recall returns.
ANYWAY… It took until 15h! My plans for an after-noon at Tilden were gone. – I picked M&E up and headed back to “sub-urbia” (Queens) and we did “linner” at St. James. I truly like that place (and for 8$, the burgers are GREAT!) – Back to the flat…(cont)
(PostTime: 7.59) As I left, Moe said “It’s not too late to change your mind about taking the car.” But I REALLY was kidding. Still, they trust me SO VERY MUCH!
Now, I was on the way to the bus, rang Penelope. All the waylback to Bedlam. Her work, “romance”, day. I help her avoid her solitude, dodge her memories.
Next: Barbara T. Up-date on Bob and Calvary. She’s avoiding the reality of his condition, dodging all that’s associated with it.
Ev: Info on the Ativan, they’re afraid I’ll have to work else-where, taking time from them.
I’m all here for the World. The World’s all there fir them-selves.
I do what I can because it must be done and I’m able to do it. The only “obligation”, truly, is that; it’s the way it should be. And ad I do, my Mother, her Life, Beliefs, Philosophies, Spirit, Energy continue to exist, in some manner, some fashion, in time, in essence, in the physical of the Greater “All”.
But Mama? I’m very tired. Can I stop now? Can it possibly be enough now? Please?
(PostTime: 8.05) Time to do the wash, get me together, GET OUT of here! 99ceng for soaps then out to Tilden for sun and sea. MY DAY! And I’m later than I’d planned for. AND… I need coffee today!
(PostTime: 21.02) Well… Just about ALL the laundry’s done now… AND EXTRA!
Let’s begin at the beginning:
En route to the bus, a schmooz w/Phil r/t the decline of the house. Apparently Pedro8, Phil and I are the 3 who are cleaning now.
*****
He tells: he told Ms.D. he wants to leave and SHE GAVE HIM A DEAL!!! A DEAL?!!!
*****
Off to the bus(es). I DID get the Dettol soap (8 of them, no thanks to Penelope upon whom I can depend to be UNdependable) and an Adidas shampoo and a pkg of cookies (fm Poland and must have been made with lard…). Went directly to Tilden fm Bklyn.
At Tilden, Geoff was in T7. I went in to ask if he’d gotten the paints. He was standing directly in front of the door, instructing some moron on where to get a parking permit. But he saw me. When he’d done w/the bimbo, HE JUST WALKED AWAY FM ME! BLEW ME RIGHT THE FK OFF! I was and am PISSED! BUT…
I went to the beach where the tide was out, the water was muddy AND CALM as a lake! HOWever, I got in a few “floats” and about 3,5hrs of sun. As I left (15.30), the place was becoming crowded. Rang P. fm the bus, told her about the Geoff. She tried to placate me. I let her believe she succeeded.
Back at Bedlam, I quick-cooked 2 franks, an egg and the potato patty. Quick meal. Took a shower and headed to FoodTown for coffee, half’n’half, bread. And that’s where my HORROR began…!!!
The “repaired” flip-flops HURT! So I went for the bus back. Whilst waiting, in the heat, a little cramp. So I decided to simply walk back. By B108 I had all to do to hold my bowels! At B110 I quickly removed my t-shirt, put it round to cover my arse and… BANGBANGBANG! LOST IT! SHAT IN MY JEANS… ON THE STREET! Walked in, removed my clothes. SHIT in my jeans, MY T-SHIRT, on my flip-flops, AND the floor! Had to take the wash in the sunk out, scrub the undies, then the jeans, then the shirt. MEANWHILE, MORE SHIT! So I went in plastic shopping bags. It was down my legs! Cleaned me off and, for TWO HOURS I did the wash! The whole room stunk! – Hung the wash and…
(PostTime: 21.15) Second (3rd) shower. Thankfully w/Dettol. The fking flip-flops dug into my left great toe! They go to the garbage. Period. There’s shit on them and they eat into the toe. Buhbye.
I wanted to eat, shop, paint, get to bed early. I ate, shopped, did laundry, showered, am having a vodka-tonic, being pissed because this “key-pad” is fking up. It’s 28,5*. Fans running. My arse feels like it wants to spew again. WTF brought this on? The cookies? I just don’t know. I hope the worst is passed.
BUT… I got my ocean, beach, sun, colour, soap, shampoo AND more dirt on Ms.D. I still should was the bed-linens but the clothes are all but done. A plus. And… it’s time for sleep now. Work tomorrow.
Quite the day. I wish I’d died before it came.

23.Jul:
(PostTime: 5.56) HAPPY BIRTHDAY PENELOPE!
The charger for this phone broke last night. (Remember when we borrowed P.’s? We’re still borrowing. Life does these things. Events are not random. AND ON HER BIRTHDAY! Nope; not random.)
Yesterday’s wash dried over-night! Beach things in soaking now. The under-wear is white.
My stomach is still a bit un-settled. I wonder what hit yesterday. Cookies? Heat? Stress? All of the above? What-ever.
(PostTime: 18.18) 21$ for a new, cheap-ass Chinese charger. Another 9$ for more Clorox cleaner for the Bedlam baths. I’m sick of spending money!
Anyway… As I walked the Blvd this morning I hear “Hey! You!” I look across the st. to see Debra! the PIC HHA. Big hugs in the middle of the st. SO GOOD to see her. I didn’t realise how long it’s been until she asked if I’m still in The Shelter! So we caught up, exchanged phone nrs. It brought a smile to my day. – Got Moe to the Dr. then to lunch at Shalimar (french toast, coffee… still going good). Then to MetroPCS/RockBlvd.Lefferts for charger. Back to their flat and now I’m on the 21 (Lindenwood) and VERY TIRED. – Need cigs before Bedlam. Just want to sleep. Heat and humidity returned. Tornado warnings fm NOAA. – I just want to nap.
(PostTime: 21.15) THUNDER? I certainly hope so! (29 in here.)
The reach on the new charger is for shit. And it charges slowly.
Dinner done. Dishes done. Dessert done. Drink? Not sure.
Noise? Bass fm Ms.D’s! Jose7 came in at 18.30 tapping on the wall. I’ve up’ed the vol. on the radio.
I want to work on the CT painting but never get to create work-space early enough to work. Tomorrow will be work at Tilden.
Tonight? Sleep. Tomorrow is supposed to be Hell.
Debra rang. After sun-down. I’ll see if she left a msg.

24.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.07) So would you look at this? Awake. Coffee. Cig. Awake. It promises to be quite a terribly miserable day too. Temps in the 30’s. Humid as Equatorial rain forest. And Penelope and I on the porch of T7. This is insanity. But I finally fell into sleep last night, woke shortly before the 5.45 alarm and now? Who the hell knows? But I’ll head to The Fort about 8.

25.Jul:
(PostTime: 6.05) The party ended at midnight and I ended shortly after. And this morning I’m remembering that I ate a few crackers and 3 bowls of corn flakes all day yesterday… and had 2 drinks last night. NOT good. But woke just before the alarm this morning and will get the bus to Tilden (if there’s sun) by 7.30. To the beach. – 29,5 in here this morn. Better than the 32,5 of last night.
(PostTime: 15.03) Well, I was out of here by about 8.30 and went directly to a rather empty Tilden beach. No waves again. Murky waters. But I got some wonderfully cooling floating in for probably a good hour. Then came the idiots w/their broods and it was certainly time to GO! So, in trunks and flops only, it was off to T7… Tony H. was w/Penelope and Mr.Charm (Rawlings) arr’d as I got there. AGAIN he walked past me and COMPLETELY ignored me. OK. But at least acknowledge the oil paints. I tolerated the incident until noon. Time to depart. “I wish you wouldn’t.” says P. “You don’t always get what you wish for.” says I. “It ruins my day.” says she. “No. You ruin your day.” says I. – By 12.48 I was back in, finished-off my corn flakes. By 13h, down for a nap until 14h. – It’s brutally hot in here. Phil is yammering in the hall, his little one (poor thing) is showering. – Me? I’ll be off to the shower (I think Pedro8 just referred to “my boy-friend”. I wonder… Phil chuckled. If he is, I wouldn’t much mind…) and out again. Brighter light in here, I could water-colour. Could use more Dettol too. We’ll see. I’m just a tad tired… and it’s a tad terribly HOT and humid… AGAIN!
(PostTime: 22.17) Went right back to sleep after that post, sea-salt on me and all. Woke about 16h for a brief while, hand/stim and right back to sleep (w/out “cleaning”… haven’t done that in YEARS)! Woke again about 18h. Showered. Out for new MetroCard, Waldbaums for roasted chicken, ice cream, V8 and 60watt bulbs (MUCH BETTER LIGHT!), DuaneReade for cigs. – It rained! Took the heat and humidity away. Made a nice walk. – Rang Pen en route back. UN-BELIEVABLE! She asked “What happened?” Why did I leave? I told her it myst be senility setting-in because I’d told her before I left and she forgot? Anyway, she annoyed me by insisting I ignore it. Then told that Janet &c. brought her a huge cake, Thomas gave her flowers… they gave her a party. THEN she went into making excuses for Geoff! EVER so politely, I terminated the call. – Chicken, V8, ice cream for dinner. Am feeling a bit better. Temp in here 28,5. – For a while it was quiet. Now Phil’s brat takes to the hall. He has set up the porch as his home, has his room, now the brat takes the house! AND that whole group comes to life at 15h. E-NUFF! – Tomorrow’s tide: about 9h. I’ll get my morning, VISIT Pen, then what-ever. Right now, it’s time for a nap. I want to be up and out shortly after sun-rise. My days are winding down… winding away. – Sent e-mail to Schmulik tonight. I wonder…

26.Jul:
(PostTime: 7.55) Woke before the 5.45 alarm. Small wash. Tried, TRIED water-colour. I just don’t have the knack anymore. I’ve got the drive and desire. But it fks up some-how. So… I took a nap. This must be some sort of depression. Gee. I wonder why. Well. Tide at 9. Time to get to the beach. Even if just for sun. Short day at Tilden. I’ll get that paper to copy the little sketches, a book to mount the originals. The “55” will be done… so too, will I.
(PostTime: 22.56) I am exhausted. (And need to do something to extend this new pc. of sht phone charger.) AND I have spent money on the “55”: a hard-covered sketch book into which I will mount the originals (purchased at Pearl) and parchment onto which I will photo-copy the works to be framed for exhibit (purchased at Jams).
This morning at the beach from 9-11 wasn’t worth the trip. Again, no waves. I didn’t bother going in for a swim. That was followed by 2 hrs. w/Pen on T7 and getting a lift to B116 fm. Tony H. – I came in, changed clothes, A-train to Pearl, R-train to Jams. L to BwyJct. A RockPk A to KeyFood. Bedlam.
Spoke w/Ev today. Lois claims to have found work. Claims she’ll begin in 2 wks. I don’t believe any of it, but we shall see.
Spoke w/Barbara. She’s upset because Bob claims maltreatment at Calvart.Bkln. Again, she cut me short.
Spoke w/Pen x2hrs.
Rec’d e-mail fm. Schmulik. Replied.
Have showered. 28,5 in here. Tomorrow comes the heat again. Tide up at 10h. I’ll hope for rough seas. Solo in Tilden.
OK. That covers it. Time to close the day.
By the by… still no Lorraine next door. I wonder what nasty trash Ms.D. will park in there. (Cig ashes in the east shower this evening!)
Enough.

27.Jul:
(PostTime: Didn’t wake w/the alarms this morning. It’s comfortable in here this morning. All I want to do is sleep. Why am I so tired so often? Slept well last night. Tide is up at about 10. I want to get some sun but din’t want to go out. Want to swim but don’t want to travel for no waves again. Pre-occ’d w/1200 come Aug. Want to paint but something’s blocking the “creativity”. Just not satisfied with results. Wasting paper. Wasting paint. Wasting time. Wasted life. Wondering when comes the knock on the door. Wondering why I bother w/any of this at all. Time to just move… forward… move… get mobile. Who really cares where the day goes anymore? So many phantasies left un-done. Why was I always so hesitant? Existance happens only once and when we’re gone, we’re only memories in other peoples’ minds and nothing really matters anyway. There are always those who like and those who don’t: art, food, music, colours, places, people. It truly does NOT matter. – Time to move and time to stop caring too damned much.
(PostTIme: 15.51) 15.28 just back fm the beach. Got there aboit 11. No waves. Tide receding. Cold water. Empty. Quite OK. (Needs waves.) Then, just past the noon whistle… “they” started to arrive: breeders, spores, flop-titty exhibitionists, Wmsbrg White Trash, radios, fish-whites, and somebody brought 2 dogs (which I promptly reported to the useless NPS “police” who never came… but a lonely young Ranger happened by as I was leaving and so, I pointed-out the pooches). Even the Ranger agreed, things are getting out of hand at Tilden. I say, the worst is coming. – David F. drove by as I waited for the bus. We spoke. I told him I have 3 “private” (by word-of-mouth). He’s looking well. Was going for a swim at Riis. – And so, I’m darker. Suit in to soak. No plans for the eve. Need cigs. Need to figure what to do w/4 hrs tomorrow whilst Moe is in stress test. Doing something, visiting somewhere would be better than parking fees. Maybe a visit to a famous synagogue? We’ll see. – It would have been nice to stay in the water. Then again, 4 hrs. of sun is good enough, I should think. – Wash the trunks. Take a nap. VERY early/busy day tomorrow. Indeed.

28.Jul:
(PostTime: 8.25)Last night: I’m on the phone w/Barbara Taylor; she tells me that Bob had a wonderful day, he’s got a male CCT(!), and all’s well at Calvary. KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK at the door. Barbara O. Come up for “a drink and sauna” (19h). I said in about half hour. I’d just finished cooking tonight’s chicken, hadn’t eaten. So, finished the call w/B.T. and rang Pen. That call went to almost 20h. Needless to say, I never went up-stairs. – 21h Phil gets into ANOTHER verbal w/Jose! “Shut the fk up!” AGAIN! “Things were cool here til you fked w/them.” says Jose. Well, I waited (and hoped for) the physical blows. They didn’t come. – 21.30 to the shower. But time for sleep? NOT! I swear it’s the anxieties of exoecting noise and violence. And WHY am I still breathing?
(PostTime: 8.36)This morning, I had to force myself out of bed! Went almost directly to sleep last night, under light cover. But I don’t “sleep” w/any quality. I’m ALWAYS exhausted lately. Body winding-down? Got the camo-pants laundered though. A brief and successful stim, shower and out. (I put my garbage in a recycling barrel because it was convenient. And I certainly do not care.) – Bowels feel full. Lower back not too good. Still so very tired. Here comes “a day”! – I really want to run-go-hide away fm Creation.
(PostTime: 9.20)A 9hr day. Arr’d at M&E by 9, off to traffic by about 9.45. They insisted I drop them at Lenox Hosp and park in a garage. (40$! for 5 hrs.!) It was rather nice, not running to a meter every hour. Moe went in for his test by noon. Ev got lunch in the hosp. cafeteria. I had a slice of pizza and coffee. It held me. – They were tired. I’m just always fatigued. But the day went well. – Back to Qns by about 17h. Moe went for a hair-cut and offered to pay one for me. (I need, but told him I’d only modify one anyway so I’m better off doing the whole thing.) Ev went to Norman’s. She has that dry cough. – By 18h we were back at their place. I went directly for the bus. Will go back at 14h tomorrow. – Stopped at KeyFood for meat and half’n’half. Frosting for dessert. A lovely sea breeze in Rockaway this evening! How wonderful. Too bad I have to come to this shthole. – Back at Bedlam, cooked the 2 chicken thighs. The humidity is due back! – Spoke w/Pen. She’s not sure she’ll be at Tilden on Fri. Won’t be there Sat. I’d like to copy my sketches on their copy machine (AND PAY FOR THE PRIVILEGE). We’ll know tomorrow eve. – The idiots of 7&4 were at their yelling this evening but it seems to have stopped. – A shower would be nice. The ebergy to shower would be nicer. I’ve eaten. Dishes done. I HOPE I’ll get good sleep tonight (but I do doubt it). If I’m awake on time and weather and tides permit, perhaps a morning swim before work. Perhaps…

29.Jul:
(PostTime: 7.40)Just so tired! Don’t want to be awake. Would truly like to go back to sleep. But not here. Stress? Anxiety? What? Depression? I was so happy to come back out here a year ago. And a year later, I don’t want to be anywhere else, when I think about being some-where. But this business of low-life, noise, dirt… this isn’t the right place… in this place. If I find a house w/better people in it, maybe I’d feel better. Or is it the psych of 55? Maybe I’m just shutting-down.
(PostTime: 9.24)I
have hand-washed 2 t-shirts and a pair of socks.
They are hanging on the rack
to dry.
I
have cut my hair and cleaned-up the mess.
I
don’t know why I bother.
My
nails now need to be filed.
I
don’t have the interest.
I
want to go back to sleep.
It
is cloudy and raining this morning.
I
want to go back to sleep…
I
do not want to wake from sleep
ever
again.

It
is my Oma’s Hebrew birth-date.
She
is no longer of this life.
She
was the rock of which
my
foundation was built.
My
Mama
was my foundation.
She
is no longer of this life.
I
stand on nothing now.
I
tumble and spiral
out if control.

I
want to go back to sleep.
I
do not want to wake…
ever…
again.
(PostTime: 9.44)I JUST FKING CLEARED THE Hx ON THIS DAMNED PHONE! RE-BUILDING! O JUST FK ME!
(PostTime: 13.31)I am on the bus. It is BLOODY hot and humid. I shouldn’t have eaten those cornflakes. The bay-tide is high. My phoneHx is being re-built.
IT IS TIME TO GET OUT OF ROCK PARK. A DERELICT STOOD AT A YOUNG WOMAN’S BACK UNTIL SHE GAVE HIM MONEY. THEN HE STOOD, AT THE BUS STOP, MOUTH HANGING OPEN, TONGUE HANGING OUT. BOTH PARTIES ARE BLACK.
I’ve got head-ache.
Another day…
Slept an add’l 45mins. Big deal. Eh?

30.Jul:
(PostTime: 0.40) Thu.30.Jul: I’m just getting settled. Got to M&E at 14h. We got to the car at 15h… DEAD BATTERY! Fortunately Lori was there to give a jump (I haven’t done that in YEARS!). So we got Ev to the cleaners and post office, then to the garage for a new battery. 135$!!! Apparently, dear daughter Beth replaced the old battery w/an old one last yr. It couldn’t stand the a/c we’ve been using. (The Orthodox are a miserable lot w/no sense of shame, responsibility or compassion. I understand the existence of anti-Semitism.) So, w/new battery, off to Home Depot. * While there, Ev got the results of yesterday’s Stress Test: “Moderate blockage” in the heart. Moe HAD 30% blockage before the prev. surg. But this report states “moderate”. WTF? Now Ev’s half in tears all the time and Moe’s depressed, anxious and worried… about Ev. And the MD wants an angiogramme. I’m worried that something will happen and there’ll be a trip to the ER if they wait much longer! I don’t want to see these people suffering any more! Their adopted kids are bitches. They’re kind, compassionate people, being taken advantage of. It’s just wrong! But I need to keep some distance lest I tread where I don’t belong. – So Moe decided we should go to St.James. Ev can have her lobster dinner. We did. She and he had, and enjoyed their lobster. Ev even had a gimlet! (I had burger and coffee.) And by the time we’d finished it was about 20.30. To Stop’n’Shop for “quick” shopping. Well, we got back to the flat at 22h. – Ev calc’ed ALL the time: 9+8hrs. When I said “cut out the dinner time” she explained “We enjoy your company; we’re paying you for your time.” I laughed when she said “You can’t leave…” – Earlier, Moe said it was good that I was there when we discovered the dead battery. I said it would be frightening if I wasn’t there and he discovered it because he was going for a drive. (I had to say that I didn’t mean to disparage him. He took it in best humour.) – And so…
(PostTime: 1.04) I left about 22.30. WAITED THROUGH TWO 35’S SO PACKED THERE WAS NO ROOM! EVEN AN 11! FINALLY GOT AN 11 TO ROCK.BLVD. AND A CROWDED 35. and in the door JUST before mid-night! – Here in Bedlam? Buttface7 has the TV on… He’s got a hat wedged in his door fm sine this morning! Probably laying in there drunk/stoned. – Pen won’t be at Tilden on Friday. I want to be there early enough to enjoy the beach and water before the trash’n’breeders arrive. My alarm is set for 5.30. Let’s see if I make it. Right now I’m not truly tired. More PISSED because I hear the muffled TV through the wall. And concern over M&E. (Lois asked Ev if I would stay w/her when Moe goes in for surgery! SHE can’t come in fm CT… AND BETH couldn’t POSSIBLY come in fm Rockaway! WHAT SHIT those 2 are! Their parents gave them good homes, good lives, good child-hoods and THIS is what THEY return? WOW! That’s all I’m going to say…
Meanwhile. Me. 31 days. 2 days to August. Oma’s birth on the 9th. Mama’s death on the 22nd. Mine on the 30th. And these 2, plus Penelope leaning on me for support. Plus Barbara Taylor and Bob. Do I turn selfish? I WANT OUT! Not fm them… fm EXISTENCE! But there are people in need of what-ever it is I can give. I have to figure to whom I’m more responsible now. Just MORE complications… this thing called “life” is just inconvenient… like “ethics”.
I need to try for a nap (and ignoring the TV shit fm next door… THAT will make good in court, if that’s where my non-payment of rent gets me… I hope it does.)
OK. Caught up. Nap time. I can sleep in the beach (PLEASE DAMN IT) later this morning. (HEY! 27* in here! COMFY.)
(PostTime: 10.33)(PostTime: 15.54)NOT happy with me this morning. JUST waking. COULDN’T wake w/the alarm. And at this hour, there’s no sense in going to any beach. Especially not Tilden. So we have to come up w/alt agenda. Disappointed.
DREAM frag: Talking with several people in a casual environment. Something of an art exhibit, but we were all of the medical field. Nice people. Educated people. We were in a general discussion about someone when I mentioned “depression” (a reference to my own mood). A woman w/the demeanour of Shirl condescendingly said “Do you even know what ‘depression’ is?” Someone else said “It’s more like (something) dystonia.” I was excited to hear a term I hadn’t heard since school and recalled Jeanine, which brought on a sense of melancholy. This is all I can recall, other than the over-all sense of “heaviness” on me through the dream. – The dream ended.
So now, at 10.28, the day is shot. I’ve a new canvas for the floor. I’ve glass cleaner for the top of the dresser. I’ve material for painting. I’ve what I need to copy the 55 (I’m screwed out of that today). I’ve the mind to go and sleep this day into a grave. I don’t want to be in this room. I don’t want to go out. August is coming out of the shadows. Time is running out.
(PostTime: 15.54)I’m just fed-up. But the floor looks better. It’s not, of course. The filth is only covered. The new canvas is 12 inches short (like my dick). But a snip’n’tuck covered the lack of length (unlike my dick). So there it is. – Not really too late to get the beach but too late to accomplish or to save this day. And tomorrow I’ll be full of regrets over things not done today. – SOON I’ll RUSH out for cigs and maybe something for dessert. I’m on another coffee (and no food… not hungry). – NO BLOODY SPACE TO PAINT! And this hell-hole’s been silent all day. No doubt the shit in here will stir loudly at 21h. – The nap fm 13-14h was a mistake. Sleeping until 10 was the end of this day. – A shabbat msg. fm Schmulik. A reply sent. – Friday down the shitter. Oh well. When one thinks on it seriously… who cares?
(PostTime: 20.22)Got out at 17h. RiteAid. Cigs, cookies, face stuff. Rang Ev. Came back. Chicken frozen! Surfed web ALL evening. – 18.28 the shit began. Now it’s TV, pots and pans, yelling! I’M NOT PAYING ANY MORE RENT HERE! PERIOD! And tonight begins leaving Ms.D’s phone nr. w/311. Let them start calling HER! Let this go to court. I’ve takem MUCH MORE THAN ENOUGH! – Another thing: my libido is down. Now THAT really burns me! Anxiety? Depression? WTF? – So, now, un-showered, in the 26*, TV thumping through my wall… I’m going to TRY for SOME sleep tonight. Tomorrow MORNING I’ll head for Tilden. It’s going to be a solo day. No Penelope there. But I want sun and sea! And I DON’T want to be in HERE! (FKME! I’m running out again! Just like those last years in The Bronx! It doesn’t end! Until I end it. And now THIS place is pushing. Life isn’t worth the time… or aggrevation.)
(PostTime: 22.59) Helicopters buzzing the area. Hebrew on the radio. Life on the Israeli shore. TeeHee. I wonder: who’s floating out to sea? who escaped the nut-house on B116? who shot whom? what maniac is roaming around out there tonight? It’s REALLY turning slum-scum-ghetto. – But… my finger AND toe nails are filed. Off to the beach in the morn! (And now that the bloody TV’s down next door, off to “sleep” tonight. Just have to check “nightshade”. It’s in berry season.)

31.Jul:
(PostTime: 7.22)August is creeping in. So is the pain… Montreal.
19* out there this morning. 23,5 in here. Cool. Clouds: grey, pink, mauve in the sun-rise. I had to see them through the loo window (a bm first thing this morning, not a great beginning to a day).
This morning is comfortably cool. The day will turn warmer. There will be cool, damp nights to come, and brutal days to follow them. I remember… under the tree, waking in the night when the temperature dropped to 10. And I remember waking at sun-rise when the dark cover (now on the door) was damp with dew. And I remember sitting on the beach, waiting in great hope and anticipation for the sun-rise. I, chilled through to the marrow of my bones, awaiting the first hot rays to break over the eastern Atlantic, to break the crisp chill of the night before. I sat on drift-wood as sand-crabs burrowed and sand-flies bit into my flesh and I smoked a left-over cigarette, drank yesterday’s cold coffee from a plastic bottle. The ocean. The sand. The dunes. The cold.
They knew. And I sought refuge and help in hospital.
They put me into The Shelter. I was only good enough for The Shelter… then… and then before (Margot)… and then before (Jim)… and then before (Chris)… and the before (CM.JY.JY).
Time to remember.
Atropa Belladonna.
(PostTime: 18.42)The sand, the sea, the dunes, the Bakfort are being very kind to me this year. An abundance of Beach Plums!
I’m just in about 30 mins ago. Burger on. Trunks in the soak. I left here about noon and was on the beach (CW5) by about 13h. Took the Ranger Rd. to the Sweet Pond Path. I believe I’ll do that more often; fewer idiots on the beach. – NEWS! SHARK! A poor sand shark on the beach. (Photo, of course.) A hole punched in its side. The gulls got at it. They eat only the organs. Hmmm. And of course, it made quite the attraction with the Wmsbrg dopes. They took pics, touched, jumped back. But it didn’t keep them away. (We’ll have to work in that.) So I enjoyed the NO WAVES AGAIN water and actually slept very nicely for quite a bit. At 16.30 it had gone SO quiet! The tide went, the arses went, the keft-overs were well-behaved. VERY HESITANTLY I left at 17h. The sky so clear, the breeze so great. – I took the Path back and discovered the plums! Had about 5. Will go back tomorrow to “harvest”. Maybe Ev will enjoy some. – And so, here I is. Will eat, shower, maybe go deposit this eve at the banque. Need new MetCrd tomorrow and there isn’t enough in the acct. And I want to get to the Bakfort EARLY tomorrow!
(PostTime: 23.11) Who would’ve ever thought that I’d ever casually walk the streets of Forest Hills at 21.45? Or stand on Woodhaven Blvd. at 22h waiting for a bus home… only some moments away? My existence has changed in so many ways. And in so many ways, remained so much the same. – I went to the banque. Left about 20.45. Rang Ev. She’s never heard of Beach Plums. Must bring her some. Rang Pen. Left msg. – En route back, MANY texts fm Schmulik. Last one: will text tomorrow. No talking? Fine by me. If I don’t feel like texting… I simply won’t. – Comfylcool in here. Brilliant orange moon was just rising over the airport as the bus crossed the No. Channel. How fortunate I got to see that. – KGRNY on air. Clear as local. Fortunate there too. – In moments… August… 2010. It came quickly. No… MUCH if what SHOULD have been my LIFE never happened. Now? I don’t want it to. 55 is enough. Just too much, really. No matter what may change, it all remains the same. I’m fed-right-the-fk-up with it all. I was tired at 13. Imagine how I am now… with my vodka-tonic.
(PostTime: 23.38) On my chest, where I burnt so badly under the sun lampe, at 61 Coach Ln., when I wanted colour before going out to the bar that night, but fell asleep (Jeff Karliner came to see me after… Mama got me to the ER the next day… I couldn’t open my eyes) is grey/white, coarse and LONG. Not attractive in any sense. As I tan, it screams from my chest… reminding me… more “past”. FKME!
(PostTime: 23.45) Before I spiral into August:
SO MUCH MORE than any if you, alone or together, will EVER know…
I still carry the INFERNAL HATE for you:
Bill Yeomans
Cynthia Ann Yeomans-Mack
John Joseph Yeomans
Joseph Daniel Yeomans
You too, Elizabeth Rosemary Colbert
and, with the exception of
Dennis Nixon…
ALL and EVERYTHING Newburgh, New York.
(PostTime: 23.50) Now, I lay me down, to sleep. In 14 minutes the month of August will strike. The month of my Oma’s birth; the month of my Mamale’s Peace. I must make of it what I must, for 30 days more. No more. No less.
August strikes at mid-night.
I pray that I do NOT wake, with the dawn… or ever there-after.