1.Jun:
(PostTime: 0.45) 90 days. June. Yesterday I mentioned to Shirl how destroyed I am (with-out too much detail). She asked why I should die and those responsible for my destruction should be allowed to live. If I could just tell the agony. But I wouldn’t. – And so, I’ve seen in June. Time to try for sleep.
(PostTime: 9.03) DREAM: Wandering in an old, dilapidated, wood-frame house. Diffused sun-light all round. True colours but dominant: greens and blues. Wet. Humid. Post-rain-fall. I entre a room. Concrete floor. Basement? Similar to 1st left in 220. It’s full if sweet water, kelp floating all over. Dog-fish pods. 3 began to hatch but died before completion. Head/tail in the pod. Pods MUCH larger than reality. ONE “pup” lying still in the water. Looked more like a walrus/seal. “Furry”. On his back. I see he’s breathing! He goes under the water, swims slowly. Head rises above water, he audibly exhales. The water isn’t deep enough for him, just enough to cover. I speak: “You poor guy. Nobody told you this isn’t salt water.” I wonder how the water, kelp, pods got into the room. There’s no obvious entry. I wonder how I can get this pup out to the ocean to save him. I wonder if I should. Maybe Nature intended for these to die in here. Maybe they’re mutations or diseased.
(PostTime: 9.09) I’m dreaming quite a bit lately. I’ve been taking 2 aspirin every night: help with sleep and to thin the blood for the coming heat. – I’ve also noticed that my morning bm’s are very deep, dark brown. Bleeding? If so, I’m certainly not concerned. – I keep thinking about the support from Shirl and Penelope: that I should get back to serious art. I’m tempted. As Shirl and I discuss: I need to purge the depression, work through it. It’s not easy. It’s a tumour, attached to my existence. – Have to get out of here… Moe & Ev today.
(PostTime: 20.23) Got to B116, saw Shirl racing down the beach block, saw her car, thought about how much I should do (deposit!), rang Ev and used the pulled groin muscle of yesterday (it did still feel a bit incorrect) and met Shirl at her car. She offered to run me to the banque and accepted my offer to pay the tolls (5,50$). We were off, BUT w/a stop at Trader Joe’s for free coffee (her suggestion)(nothing more, mind you), Home Depot where she would NOT listen when the sales-guy and I tried to explain that she had to buy staples that would fit her gun (she bought what she wanted… they don’t fit). To TD on 71st/MetroAv. No matter how I tried to give directions, she almost missed it. But, deposit made, 20$ for a 9$ pack of cigs at 7-11 (Never again! That was with 1$ off!) and money for tolls and gas (she declined the gas money). Back on the road. Stopped at the house: I changed t-shirt, put on flip-flops. Off to Tilden. – Penelope was SO glad to see me! Amazing. And so, in the heat, I sketched, Penelope sculpted, Shirl painted Maggie’s chair. Again, this eve, she and I remained behind.Geoff came in, obviously suffering from yesterday on the boat. Shirl and I waited for the evening storm to pass and departed. – She was SO fatigued, we stooped at McD’s and I paid coffee(Shirl) and Flurry(me). She got a burger for Cody. – Cody wagged his tail today when I pet him! We get on very well! – Shirl dropped me at the house. – Ev rang to ask if I’m OK, noon tomorrow for errands, 9h Thurs. to The City. – 5-frank dinner. Dishes done. I’m truly exhausted. 2 t-shirts to wash and hang. And Lorraine banging along.
(PostTime: 20.58) Now, I happen to like Shirl quite a bit. And I understand her occupation with the coming lung surgery. But today I learned that she’s some kind of church-going Christian and will NOT accept when she’s proven wrong. Apparently, Penelope knew about the Christianity and, what I’ve been taking as Shirl’s jesting with P. concerning God and such has been sincere on S.’s part! She pontificates, mildly, but truly believes! I’ve come to find that she asks advice, opinion, suggestion, input and then proceeds to blow it off… not merely disregard. As when I’d painted beautiful transluscent eyes for her work on Margaret Fuller and she simply painted right over them; asked my suggestion on splitting paint into 2 cans and proceeded to do as she’d planned; argued over what I’d read AND found in the Net concerning Ayn Rand; argued Quebec politics that I was there through; and the most direct NYC-Montreal route (SHE goes through VT or ME!). Oh well. We live, we learn, we back off.
But Penelope and I had most wonderful heart-to-heart again. And this evening as she left Tilden, I got “I love you”, kiss, hug. I’ll never forget how she told me that Tommy was bad-mouthing me when I was homeless and she told him “If you can’t help him don’t hurt him” in my defence.
89 days…
And now, at this hour, the rent whore and her cronies are yelling in the yard, Lorraine is intermittently thumping, I expect 7 to be crashing in soon. And the Rock Park scum is as parasitic scum will be. Will I regret leaving this? Hell! Right now I haven’t got the rent… And you know? I expect some kind if nonsense to come. But rent is due in Saturday. I’m not late. Should she say/do anything, I’m off ti file a complaint, in person, at the precinct.
I’m tired Let’s hope for sufficient sleep tonight.

2.Jun:
(PostTime: 11.25) A night of sleep. S morning of beerbottle booty, wide-strap, work boot, stim. Posted to a .ws site. Cleaned voy. Now, off to work. New MetroCard. Need cigs. Pay the phone. Other-wise, need manicure and it’s HOT and hazy. Summer. But no sand-fleas. A delight.
DREAM FRAG:
Ev showed me a multi-pg. lettre she’d written to an agency I was working for. A complaint against using computers instead of people to provide medical attention to patients. Attached, a note to me: her lettre shouldn’t be depended upon for use as a “zinka”.
(I’m wondering about the word “zinka”. Where did it come from in dream-unconscious?)
(PostTime: 21.17) It was a wonderful day with M&E. Moe and I did some stuff in-line. I paid the phone. They took me to Eddy’s for ice cream sundaes (15,50 for 3!). Moe and I drove while Ev got something on Austin. Then I brought them to Paradise Blowout on MetroAv. The mgr. remembered me! Then to Stop’n’Shop where some rather nutsy woman told me she could sense “the warmth” bet. Moe & I (as we browsed the trash bags), told me her life story and then wanted to give me her phone nr.! – Well then. Q21 at 19.30 or so. In by about 20.30. Music BLASTING out of Phil’s rm! Stench of incense in the hall. Screaming! It’s 21.07 and I can still hear the bass and talking. – 2 eggs, 2 franks, cold cereal. Dinner. (And no money until ps ay-day.) – SIX calls to MetroPCS and NO results! DISCONNECTED THREE TIMES! THEN the rep takes a “sorry” line with me. I cut the call. If I can get to ANY of their stores tomorrow, my crusade begins. – I’m just in very bad sorts tonight. Nothing to drink (juice or other-wise. And need to be back w/M&E by 9h to drive into The City tomorrow! I just might send the rent to Great Neck with a note about the decline in this place. Depends on how I feel when I have the rent. – A fun day made sour by this place. So TOO MUch! And this phone is annoying me. Just sour sorts. Fed the F up!

3.Jun:
(PostTime: 6.25) 1. Mom. A large, old black dog. An old house on a mountain. The old woman owner had died but was still in the house. She’d been a Friend of Mum’s. Mum missed her & had come to visit w/her. She drove the car into the dark side of the house, into a back room. I stayed in the light side of the house, waiting. I somehow knew I shouldn’t go. I could hear hysterical, psychotic laughter. But somehow in my mind’s eye I was in the back seat of the car. All was dark. Mum just drove round the dining room. LOUD LAUGHTER ALL ROUND! Then I was back where I stood, watching the car emerge from the dark. Mum got out of the car smiling. Red circles round her eyes. She led the dog from the darnkess. Red round the dog’s eyes. The dog was blind. “Did the dog go in the w/you!?” “Oh NO! I didn’t know!”
2. Kristen. Tommy. At Tilden. Late in the day. Beige sky. A storm coming. Late Summer. Hot. Humid. I was hiding. Someone was looking for me to hurt me. I was to sleep in T9, protect Tilden from the storm.A small bed. No pillow, only sheets, light blankets. They left me alone in T9. I watched out the window, into the vast, empty, flat landscape as the wind, lightning approached. Frightened of the storm & being found. I laid on the bed. Magnetic currents of the earth, as strong winds blew along the bed fm head to foot. I couldn’t align my body with them. The rains came POUNDIN! T.&K. were there, watching at a distance. “He doesn’t want you here.” “THEY don’t want you in here (in Tilden).” “He KNOWS you’re here and they’re coming to get you!” The currents kept pushing me out of alignment. I was frightened of being cut, shreded.
3. Woke from this one but cannot recall it. Only that it was more anxiety.
(PostTime: 6.39) DREAMS: Thoughts:
1. The house: Old house on Mt. Beacon. The light and dark sides like Tilden bunkers. Crazy woman: the Jewish woman at Tilden on the wk-end AND Betty at the market yesterday. (But the dark room in THIS house; I’d been in it in another dream, YEARS ago. It was dark in that dream too. An old stripped mine. Stench of old cars. In the mountains. I was left stranded at a Summer camp.)
2. Could it be a sense of not belonging? Non-participation? The betrayal of Tommy behind my back when I was homeless, that I’m only learning about now? The anxieties associated with Yuri’s project? That “they” (CM, LC, J&J.Y) will trace me? THIS I can believe.
(PostTime: 6.53) More trouble falling asleep last night from anxieties r/t being rudely startled by banging in 5/7! Lorraine was scratching at 23.15! THEN the stench of sewage in the sink drain. I’d forgotten to plug it before going to bed. The later it got the more concerned about today: waking on time, the fatigue, driving into The City. – The dreams. And now, the lost 3rd dream. – Now, at 6.45, somebody’s hacking in the loo, somebody else is hacking out-side, I’m hacking. Respiratory troubles in Rockaway! By the ocean? And this bloody shit phone! The calibration is wrong. It doesn’t respond quickly. It aggravates! u/i. space fwd/back. space/l. ‘a’ not functioning. DAMN it to Hell! – Such a bloody way to begin a day! FKFKFKFKFK! And no KHRNY! Bullsht!
(PostTime: 22.32) 9-19.00 w/M&E. The City. Lunch at Mother’s. Specs and fish on Austin. – I went cleaner-shopping at HomeDepot. – No Penelope tom. – Very tired now.

4.Jun:
(PostTime: 19.22) Well. The fan isn’t running as well as it did. It’s so hot in Nr.7 that his smoke alarm is beeping. Pete(3) came by to ask if it’s mine. I have vodka-tonic in the house tonight. A pad of velum, RAPIDOGRAPH, ink, spray fixative… ART SUPLIES! (Nice DAY at Pearl.) Oh, 4pks. cigs (Walgreens). And a lettre frOm PIC: the 30-day shit… You did not request a leave. Well? YOU never had trouble calling me before! And WHAT “benefits” will I lose? 2,25$ for showing at a client who isn’t there? WOW! – Anyway… the rent will be late. There’s screaming in the hall. I spent MORE money yesterday for the damned shower and the sink (that woke me Wed. with gurgling sewage). So… The Czeck is in the male and I won’t have EVERYBODY thrown out of here by going to court for an inspection. – Shirl rang this morning at about 8.30. We talked until about 9.45. – I had cramps. – Now. Shabbat and 86 days left on the calendar. (And Moron7 thumps. This morning he tripped into his 100 bottles from beer… on the floor.) – Art. Maybe I can “escape”.
(PostTime: 23.22) Drinks with Barbara tonight! How absolutely WONDERFUL! She’s quirky. But SO educated. It’s nice.
And a butt-head on a cell. In the hall. 7(Jose)(Note fm D. on his door. Rent?) TV on.

5.Jun:
(PostTime: 8.50) Obviously, over-slept. Wanted to be well into the day by this hour. And I must insist on no more than 2 drinks at Barbara’s. She drinks rather inexpensive vodka. The day after is never pleasant. But she’s really a delight in this house if Bedlam. – Although, I finally shook the rug out last night before going to sleep. Yes, out the window, into the night. And got a nice shower too. And, skies are clody this morning, though temperatures are high. No sun. No beach. – When this morning’s coffee and last night’s social are “out”, I shall sneak me to the bus to Tilden. If Derech Emunoh can drive to schul, I can certainly take the bus to “synagogue” (meeting place, Greek.. Penelope). May the rabanim rest.
(PostTime: 21.58) Another entire day in here. I showered and such but it was too hot. Then Shirl left a msg. about somebody having 2 wks. to live so she wasn’t going to Tilden. With the opening tomorrow, there’d be no space to work in. I wasn’t in the mood to be helpful w/preps for the opening. And I want to get back into some art. So, I stayed right here. Managed a self-portrait from the White House photo I use on my CV. Not too bad. Certainly not great. AND I began a stipple land-scape. It MIGHT work in 3 layers of vellum but… We shall see. – At about 18h nr7 hit the CDs and blasted the place! Today I’ve had it w/his bull. So I called-in a complaint. When the music went to “pinga pinga pinga” I phoned Jim Miller and left a msg. At 20.35 the CDs off, TV BLASTING! So another call to NYC. There’ll be no more allowances, esp. since Jose7 told me he apologised the 1st time (the Ortega notices last month) and he never did so to me! I’m not due? Or not deserving? OK. Now the artillery comes out. – Oh, last night I told B. I’m fed-up w/Lorraine’s crap; mentioned reporting her for fraud. B. said “Have you ever seen her feet?” I told B., if she’s well enough to make noise, she’s well enough to NOT get disability. – I truly am at tether’s end. (And NOW Lorraine begins. She’ll be the next rash of calls to NYC.) – Meanwhile, with all this shit, I’m less concerned about rent. Let’s go to court! I’m sick of PAYING RENT to reside in a public SHELTER! – But, stipple is preferred by medical and technical fields! And I was once “The Stipple King”. Hmmm. Will it PAY? We’re about to learn.
(PostTime: 22.09) 31 degrees in here! Early morning tomorrow. Drive M&E to Tilden and a little tour of Arverne… off the clock. Just a day out for them.
OH! In my dream the other night, there was the term “civil zinka”. WELL! This morning I’m browsing “Queens Parents” paper and THERE IT IS! “ZINKA”! A skin-toned ZINC NOSE PROTECTION CREAM! Nothing to do with the elements of the dream. But how strange. And why in my dream? Hmmmm.
Now, I wish I had nothing toldo tomorrow. Tonight I’d wash the 5/6 wall… just to make a bit of reciprocated inconsideration and disrespect.
KHRNY is gone all instrumental for the night. I should do like-wise.

6.Jun:
(PostTime: 22.52) Vodka-tonic. Ah. – WHAT A DELIGHTFUL DAY! (Bedlam finish.) Got to M&E by 11h and we were off! Not much traffic. Fill-up at Hess 159th Av. and across the bridge to The Rock. Took them through BH and Neponsit. At Tilden, they mingled, talked, enjoyed. We all noshed. I took the Cement Rd. out. Ev said Tilden reminded her of her home-town in Mass. We drove into Breezy Pt. and up through The Rock.I showed them the house. No comment made. Through Arverne by the Sea, up Edgemere Av. through the barrens. At Frank, to BCD to Seagirt and to the END of Rockaway. We ended up in Lawrence, I got to see the Long Beach Br. (2,00$ toll). A turn round back to The Rock and a visit to Beth and Allen’s house in Bayswater! And, by-the-by, THEY are part of “Agudas Yisroel” out there! (Me: Agudas Israel). Of note: 6 kids. Nachama is the defiant (secular) daughter. Zev is broaching the secular. A lost kid of 16. The Orthodoxy isn’t for him. He tends to getting drunk. Sleeps much. Not much interest in school. Very close to Nachama. I tend to wonder: Gay? Allen is demanding. “Constricted” as Ev calls it. Constricting, I say. Those Orthodox just don’t see LIFE! It makes me angry, and sad. Time in life is so short. These kids don’t “live”, they serve. I encouraged Zev to get to Tel Aviv when he gets to Israel. I believe it will do him good to see REAL Jews, HUMAN Jews. Hopefully he will find his own life. I do hope. – Bayswater: At the back end of JFK, separate from all. No wonder this sect enjoys it. It separates them from reality. Sick. – So we departed and headed back via BCD/No.Conduit. Nassau is within walking distance of Mott but the price if cigs is hardly worth the trio. Bloomberg must be whoring with Nassau. – Again, traffic not bad. – Ev decided to go for dinner. We ended-up at the St. James. 8$ for a filling, delicious burger! Well worth it. And the waiter commented on my “June” kippah. I know what he was getting at. I thought of saying “Yes. You’re right.” but I didn’t. – Finally, we got back to 90-60 at almost 21h. (cont…)
(PostTime: 23.10) The brutal heat/humidity has gone. Windy. Clear. Cool. It was 31,5 in here this morn. It’s 26,5 and really comfy.
Barbara rang today. On the bus back (No wait. Seat.) I rang her. Confirmed for 7h Tues. – Shirl rang. 9h Tilden tomorrow. – Now! As I’m talking with her on the phone and trying to get in the room, PHIL comes to apologise for noise last night! Miller told him that I complained about HIM last night! Miller actually came here today! BUT I DID NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT PHIL! They’re pulling shit now. So? I take it as: a) They know I know how to cause trouble legally, b) They’re trying to alienate me. I don’t care. Really. c) NOW I’m REALLY suspicious about nr7. d) They used my complaint to get to Phil. – Well, let’s see. Maybe I’ll tell Phil the truth. Maybe I’ll tell Miller about Shirl and Co. and losing good potential income because of the noise. Maybe. – Meanwhile, KHRNY. I need to get some sleep. All’s quiet and SO comfy-cool. The drink hasn’t takenlthe edge yet. But… – The stipple sketch needs work but… – Oh. And what greeted me on the fridge when I got in tonight? ROACH! Let’s hope this isn’t the emmisary of beer bottles in nr7.

7.Jun:
(PostTime: 6.35) 15*. Clear. And I’m awake, to go to Tilden this morning. It’s a perfect day to sleep a while longer. But… too much to do. Too much… Do…
(PostTime: 21.27) I have NO money now. What I have is coffee for my 72hr. and more, cigs for the next 3 days, juice when I get back, car-fare for the trip back. I’m not sure about the rent. I can’t care. – The day was a waste at Tilden. Instead of doing MY work, I tried to help Shirl with hers. Stoopid of me. But today ended that. I gave excellent advice. She didn’t follow. So dor her FIVE HOURS there, she accomplished NOTHING. But when she was leaving, she screwed round and took time from Penelope’s walk to the beach! I’m done with the helping. I mentioned to P. how disappointed I am at Shirl’s disregard, selfishness, disprespect, inconsideration. P. and I agree: Christian. They ALL tend that way. Shirl’s done this repeatedly to P. I believe she’s screwed herself out. And to think: a Psych person! She’s learnt nothing. How sad for her. – Meanwhile, how stupid of me to waste time I could have used in producing more. There’s an open exhibit next month. 25$ to hang, 15% to RAA. I could participate. I need work to hang. – So, I bought my needs this eve. Ev’s fush chowder was wonderful! Lacked salt and pepper. But tasted like the fresh sea! SO GOOD! – I’ve had a stiff vodka-pommegranate. Had a somewhat forced stim. AND, of course, NEED to get to sleep NOW and anxiety strikes. Not about work. About noise! I’m not sleepy. – I spoke w/Samantha today and salvaged the agency gig. Next wk. I’ll have to take a case. Poor pay. Week pay lag. But I keep my cert good. Bullshit really. – Well, time for lights out. A 4.00 morning coming! And a busy day (days?) – All said: I prefer dead.

8.Jun:
(PostTime: 5.26) 4.30 wake-up. Here we go. For some reason I’m not looking forward to this 72hr. away. I don’t trust this place any more. Let’s hope I’m just being silly.
(PostTime: 6.35) The prfeect beach day. And on the bus. Bowels not well. But no stops on the Peninsula. – Perfectly clear skies too.
(PostTime: 6.44) Bed got made and Ousted. Sprayed the door against roaches. Left thinking I’ve forgotten something. Chuckled when I recalled: I’m only going a few bus stops away! (Oh, I’m the only one on the bus.) – Just wish my stomach would settle! – North channel. HB. The journey commences.

9.Jun:
(PostTime: 11.06) For 8.6: I woke at abtou 4.30 and to tell the truth, I don’t know what I did with the little time I had. But I got on an empty Q21 at about 6.30 and was at Bob/Barbara’s by 7.03! spoke a bit with Barbara. Sherry came and away they went. I thought I could settle in but Bob woke early this morning (7.20 something). We sat for the longest while, waiting for the Access A Ride at noon. – That arrived on time. The driver, a nice woman, needed to use the loo. OK. – Off we went to DMV. – Close. Nice ride. JFK is SO LONG! – Anyway, at DMV, we got through SO quickly! Must’ve been Bob’s wheel-chair? By 13.11 we were out on the street. The return trip booked for 15.21! Good weather though.Bob dozed on and off. – The trip back was fine as well. – Bob had a bit to eat when we got in. Sandwich. Took his sugar. 58! So I sectioned an orange, gave him the half egg-salad sandwich fm. lunch and tea. We waited. 72. We waited again. 79. He took 36 units insulin and I suggested he get some sleep since he was up early this morning and had a very busy day. – That was at 22h. I waited until 23h and came to bed.
(PostTime: 11.10) OK. This morning. Slept rather well last night. I was exhuasted! Went out for my smoke. Had my coffee (tap). Got to work on the 8539266 log. It’s taking me quite a while to type this on Barbara’s PC but I’m getting through it. Bob is still asleep. Gizmo is wandering about the house talking. I showered at about 10.30. A little hungry but… and no BM this morning. Not good. – Whilst having my cig. noticed a mourning dove made her nest in a tree out-side the house. 2 young squirrels were really at their games on the limbs. When they got too close to the nest, mama fanned her tail-feathers. It was very cute. The squirrels all but ignored her. – And so, as I hit “submit”, the house is quiet. The sky is grey. And I wonder if I’ll get any more done on the PC today.

10.Jun:
(PostTime: 22.20) 09.06(Wed) I’m back on The Rock on Thu. night. – ALL DAY it rained Wed. Bob slept through most of it. Came to life at 22.00. But by 24.00 he asked “Do you want to go to sleep?” Did I ever! But I’d gotten a few more days on the 8539266. Still, a day more would have been nice. Oh well. – I just wish there was something I could do to make Bob feel better. – Off to bed for a rainy night. It’s nice, having a bed-room, kitchen, living-room.
(PostTime: 22.40) Woke this morning at 6.30, coffee, smoke, 8539266. Got more images on it! Almost finished transcribing. 7 more pages I think. Time to hit the libraries again. – Bob up early (10h). He came looking for me. I was getting to shower. He fixed his own breakfast. I’d have been happy to do it for him. But, his independance is important too. – I’ve been very poor at eating here, but not as bad as last time. I’ll have some make-up to do with food now. – Barbara and Sherry got back about 17h this evening. I could see how glad Bob was. His whole face softened. And he wore a nice shirt. He missed her. It’s really sweet to see. – She gave me a jar of apple butter (I ate some as soon as I got in. VERY good!). Paid well. And I stayed until almost 21h! They were tired too. – Ev rang. I’ll be taking them to Zev’s graduation on Sun. She invited me to join them for dinner after! She mentioned joining “the family”. But, she and Moe will pick up the tab so I don’t know. Still, I might be some comic relief for them. I’m sure my secularism won’t be appreciated by the parents. I feel for Zev. He’s not “Orthodox” as they’d (parents) would like and it makes me… SO GRATEFUL TO MY MOTHER! I have to consider. – So, I got a Q21 back. The room smelled stale! I MUST wash linens (and clothes). KHRNY on. I’m having a drink for bed. 24* cool. And I’m wearing only socks! Yay! – Is it good to be back? It could be better… much better. But it’s mine. It’s Rockaway. It’s good.
(PostTime: 23.18) I’ve finished my drink. Am under MY blankets. My navel had ingrown hair. I pulled them out. Bled like mad. Hmm. KHRNY on the radio. Hebrew. Very nice. Was reading the night of entry into 8539266. How vividly my mind recalls the details! How I think of those who wouldn’t do a thing to prevent that. How I hope they exoerience it. Yet, I’ve managed to come out of it, am now familiar with it, am no longer afraid if it. How Margot believed it to be just fine. There’s a new Comish at DHS now. I wonder how Bellevue is, how the “newbies” of tonight are handling it, how the “residents” are. – I should get some sleep. – I’m hungry. Nothing here to eat (eggs. but I don’t want to start cooking now). Sleep.

11.Jun:
(PostTime: 8.16) Jeans and shirt washed. Whites soaking. Nails done. I woke just before the 6.30 alarm. Feeling a bit bedraggled. 24*. Quiet KHRNY. Need to calc carfare. Need to phone PIC today. Need to buy food today. Only free day is tomorrow. I want to do art. I don’t want to do art. I should work my bio. I should wash the walls. I should wash the floors. I should trim my beard. I must shave. I’d like to know what that bleeding-thing in my navel was. I could use a haircut. It would be very nice to go lay on the beach. It is a bit cloudy. It will be cloudy most of the wk-end. I need cigs. I should drop by the Tretters. I need to do Mary’s shells.
We, as humans, should do right by iur-selves, others, Creation, simply because it is correct and proper; NOT because of some perceived or promised reward (heaven). It’s sad when the only incentive to behave properly is reward. It’s like the dog trained to perform simply because it knows there’s a treat to follow, a child who will behave simply because a toy or candy will come. We should grow, mature, evolve beyond the “reward system”.
It’s a day to simply move forward until the day has ended. I need to purchase. I do not want to spend.
I’ll nap-shortly-whilst laundry soaks. I’ll get my tasks done.
(PostTime: 20.22) Well, I still don’t know how but out of 100, there’s 29$ left. OK. I got a 7-day MCard. 12 trips and it’s paid. I’ll do more than that. And 3 cigs (Walgreens), chicken, ice cream, half/half, bread, eggs. But sht! It’s gotten stupid! – Went to Tilden by noon. Penelope greeted me. Shirl ignored. She got MORE lumber for her windows and STILL isn’t near even beginning. I said nothing. She kept asking P. for advice. Looks like she’ll be building a trellace instead of windows. Well? She chose to ignore me. Let her deal. – I rang PIC. They have nothing for me. Call Mon. 10h. And I’m out of the system! THEY HAVE NOTHING FOR ME BUT THEY TAKE ME OUT OF THE SYSTEM? Looks like I’ll be at the Labour Bd. the coming week. – (Something hit me as I left the house today. I’m just angry. Nothing specific. Just general anger, at everything.) – Stopped at Tilden PO. WOW! Walker Valley in miniature! And 60$/yr. for a POB! One draw-back: M-F 8-16h, Sat. 8-12, closed for lunch 12-13 (WalkerValley/Cragsmoor). 95 zip. But I think I’ll move again. Get my mail at Tilden. WTF? Why not? We’ll see what Monday brings. – Left Tilden at 15h. Q35-Q53-Q7. Walgreens cigs. Q10-A(Lefferts-17.30!)-a RockPk A! Waldbaums. Bedlam. Cooked chicken. Ice cream. Dishes done. 6 eggs on the boil. – Nr7 is out. Passed him on the Blvd. Shame he’s so stupid. He’s cute in his army boots. – Now for the mayhem that will, no doubt, come later. 311 will hear from me again. Shabbat or not! I’m in NO mood! NO mood at all. – (Hey! 4th day no stim. And I’m just tired right now.)

12.Jun:
(PostTime: 8.19) At 7.30 this morning: gurggle, gurggle in the sink and up came the stench of sewage! I’d gone to sleep with-out putting the stopper in! So, with the door-slamming at nr7 and this, it’s time to save rent for getting out. If trouble ensues here, a call to Health and DEP will facilitate moving for all of us. – Meanwhile, the 3 drinks before bed weren’t felt last night but are making their consumption known this morning. Nothing too serious. But they are, indeed, present. I really should know better. I really should be in a position where it isn’t even necessary. So I must work toward that. – No dreams of late. And we’re on day 5 of no libido. I wonder why. – Am considering a visit to the Aqueduct Flea today. Of course, there’s cloud and rain in the forecast until Monday. It’s going to be another beachless Summer. Well, what should I expect? I’ve come to this beach-burb to kill the season. Right? – I don’t know. Maybe I’ll try bunkerstimming today. It’s been a thought for a while. And it might bring that part of me back to normal. Or it’ll be like some others in the past: better left as phantasie. At any rate, I thought, last night, it’s time to stop being so cautious… before it’s just too damned late. INDEED! – How nice to wake to Hebrew radio. Ancient language on modern tech. What would Avraham and Moshe think? Not to mention… on SHABBAT yet! OYvaVOY!
(PostTime: 12.20) I was napping. Took extra time after the alarm. The DREAM: I was watching a movie on the Net. It was supposedly porn but, true to my real supressions, it was 3 men, a woman, swimming backward in some under-ground tunnel, the water was murky green. The tunnel well lit. They kept having to lift and swim under doors. One quick segment where there was a slow animation of a close-up of a guy fingering his arse. Then back to the swimmers. I went to sleep, to nap. I woke to hear Arik Sinai on the radio. (This was actually on the radio.) I lay in bed, suddenly very depressed. I cried-out! Decided to get out of bed to find the contents of the room scattered all on the floor! Nothing broke, I noticed. Just scattered. I thought the cupboard had fallen off the wall but then noticed the cabinet under the sink (which, in reality, I don’t have) had been removed! It happened as I slept! Denise had come in whilst I slept and removed the cabinet. I headed for the door to confront her, to demand an explanation. As I walked to the door, I jolted awake. – I’d been stuck in a half-sleep, half-awake state through the whole dream period, unable to fully wake out of it.
(PostTime: 12.28) It’s cloudy. Warm. At this hour it almost makes no sense to go to Tilden. No sense going to the Flea if rain’s coming. I don’t want to stay in all day. I don’t want to go out. I should wash the walls. I don’t want to do that either. I could, and should work on a new piece of art I started yesterday. I really don’t want to do that either. I hate this mood. It’s very hard to shake.
(PostTime: 16.22) Well, by now, the galleries are closed. I made it to the loo. Occupied the hours. Made egg salad. Had a sandwich. Having a smoke. Contemplating going back to sleep. The halls were banging with traffic for a while. The Rickantrash had comandeered the porch. The beer bottles clinked. But by the moment, there’s quiet. Doubtless, shit will fly at bed-time. – Rest? Shabbat? I suppose so. Oh well. Tomorrow I’ll make up for it. But the forecast is thunder storms. And I have to get out of here round 14h. But, it will be a paid day. So. – I still have to decide about attending the graduation and dinner. Maybe. If I can find a white shirt somewhere. Still, I don’t think it would be a good idea. I don’t want to watch my words; and don’t appreciate that Orthodoxy crap. I’d like to encourage Zev to be his own person, to incorporate the Tradtions with his life. But I’m certain that wouldn’t be appreciated. So maybe I need to plan around the time I’ll have waiting to drive. I think that’s best. Will discuss with M&E at some point. – For now? A small nap.
(PostTime: 19.49) And another 3 hours of sleep. The census-taker slipped a note under my door whilst I slept. – Chicken is frying… slowly. I’m not hungry but I know that I must eat. Since I’m not hungry, tonight’s chicken will be fully cooked. I rushed last night’s. – And Shabbat ends at 21.00. A new week will begin. 78 days to go.
(PostTime: 24.40) Now I lay me down to sleep
with Hebrew on the radio.
If I should die in slumber deep
it’s just the nicest way to go.
But if I wake to another day
to face the shit this world will throw
I won’t be happy, joyful, gay
I’ll simply follow where it will go
for I am here just to observe
and certainly not participate.
Life’s just not worth the drudge, the toil
so for my peace I simoly wait.
Meanwhile, the 5 days ended with sober stim. It certainly could have been much better but it HAD to be.
The house is calm. The black drape across the door. I wonder if there’s a note attached on the out-side. I didn’t shower today. I don’t care. Right now, it’s time for yet another nap. – I keep thinking back on The Shelter. No sleep there. Not much unlike here. But I could never have an entire day of napping.
Friday, I passed Valor/Valero, the garage on RockBlvd where Rey applied for work. (“They have a very colourful sign.” he’d said.) They’re closed. It hurt me when I thought: He’d be out of work again, have to look for another job! How bloody unfair that would be. I hope he’s on his feet, in the road where he wanted to be, and no-where near the Shelter system. – I also thought it would be very good to see Charlie again. – I miss those guys. – Life. What a damned misery.
With that… Kill this day, call it a night, hope for a restful, dreamless nap.

13.Jun:
(PostTime: 6.57) DREAMS:
1. At “home”. I’m relocating from one bed-room to another. Looking for my clean bed linens (fm DHS). I go into Mack’s room (it IS Mack, but I have the animosity against him that I hold for John. Mack is my younger brother.) His room is MUCH larger than mine. It’s dark. Green is the dominant colour: walls, bed-spread. His bed is HUGE. The room is untidy. I go to his cloest to look for my DHS linens.
2. In some sort of sheltet. Relocating from a room on an upper floor to a lower floor (7th to 2nd). In 1st room the stench in the sink. In the 2nd room, larger and too brightly lighted, the black water actually comes splashing up the drain! There’s a copper pipe in the drain with some kind of strainer at the top. I try to stuff a stopper in it. I go to another room across the hall. Again looking for clean linens. 2 men are dressed in t-shirts, sweat-pants. “Issued” clothes. Brilliant golden-yellow with black trim. They know me. They talk with eachother but not with me. They ask how I like the new room. I tell them about the sink. They tell me the room is better, except for the plumbing. I ask after my linens. They tell me to just get a new set. I agree.
(PostTime: 7.12) 5,5hr nap. I’m rather rested. Figured I’ll get out iof the graduation and dinner by doing art. I’d actually like to participate in July. So it’s true. And I still have to do Mary’s shells! So there actually is work to be done here. – The dreams? I’ve been pre-occupied with needing to wash bed-linens. Yesterday I noticed I need to wash “curtain” (DHS sheet) too. Have been seriously thinking of moving out of Bedlam. The “green” room might be the money Mack always had. The bigger, better room with better bed, John got furniture, food, rent paid, a bail-out. The sink is fact here in Bedlam. Maybe it churned as I slept? I wonder if I’m actually going to move from here soon. If so, I’ll have to be careful about where. – Right now, coffee. I need to ckean me a bit, decide what to do in the morning, what to wear this evening. Rain in the forecast today. No Flea in rain. Not enough time to spend at Tilden. Hand-launder bed linens? Ani choshev shel lo.
(PostTime: 21.44) Waiting to leave. I have Moe’s car and will get him and Ev in Lawrence later. Meanwhile…
Spent the morning in. By about 12.30 hit the shower, got the bus by 14.15 and was at M&E by 14.45. Moe was in khakis, Summery shirt; Ev in black sweater, print skirt (earth-tone). Me? Black linen pants (1st wear), grey polo, Shabbat kippa, sneakers, tzitzit. We left by 16h. Took Conduit to Nassau Expwy. I knew where we were because it’s where I’d gotten “lost” last Sunday! Right to Mesivta where neither Shui nor Zev spoke to me AT ALL! I suspect neither Beth nor Allen approve of my “radical Conservative-isms”. I’d allow their children the opportunity to think! OH NO! NOT THINK! Oh well. So off they went and I drove out to Tilden. T7 open but at 17h no Penelope. I had a smoke on the back porch and left. – Parked on B112. I hope the car is OK when I go for it. Came in to nr7 BLASTING the music! But I let it go. Nothing to eat! My hahdberld eggs FROZE in the fridge! So… ART! Then the knock next door: in Spanish, somebody complained about the “boom boom boom”.(18.35) Silence. I complain: Bitch. Spic complains: Silence.
OFF TO LAWRENCE…
(PostTime: (1.02 14.Jun:) DONE. The day is done. MOE OFFERED TO EITHER STAY THERE FOR THE NIGHT OR TO TAKE THE CAR BACK! I’m “on The Rock”, under the blankets (hungry). – Left here 21.53. Arrived in Lawrence 22.15. Took RBB to B108, BCD out to Mott to Central. You’d think I’d been driving these streets for years! It amazes me, how much I know about driving out here. And to think… I came to Queens to escape everything only about 3 years ago. And since then, I’ve done little exploring. And the 11 months away at the Shelter. This boro is growing on me… the southern bit anyway. – So, BCD is lovely out in Far Rock. But still quite Black. The Nassau border is a bit of a walk from Mott (though NOTHING like the walk from HudMnrTerr to Yonkers). BUT it’s all residential for the longest. I’m glad I didn’t try a cig-walk. And how it changes from Far Rock to Lawrence! And Lawrence is really quite adook. – Got parking right outside the restaurant door! Rang Ev. I’m “Shanda Car Svce.” because I’m certain (ani betuach) that Beth and Allen disapprove of my liberal approach to Judaism. Ah well. – Zev brought Moe to the car. “So. Headed for Tel Aviv now?” I joked. I told Zev I’m sure his folks think of me as a bad influence. He joke about his Mum watching us through the window. I do wish him luck. And Rabbi Lewis? You are so right: they’re cultish and controlling. THAT’S a shanda. They’re SO NOT Jewish! – Beth thanked me for taking care of her parents, then told me of the “frum” areas, as if she were selling me in them. – Well, the drive back was great fun (for me). We talked all the way. I didn’t go up-stairs. Moe was so concerned about me getting home! – 10 min wait for Q53. Stood to Atlantic! Ev stayed on the phone until I got on the bus. I rang when I got off and she stayed on til I got into the room. (Nr4’s company was leaving. Ev heard the noise made.) – And so, 7 was awake. Called something through the wall. – KHRNY on the radio. And I’m hoping for no assignment until Wed. – Really should sleep now. FUN DAY!

14.Jun:
(PostTime: 18.54) Up at about 7. For some reason I just HAD to hook-up first thing this morning. So, of course, I did. Nice way to begin the day. (Looking forward to ending the same way.) – Rang Samantha at 10. She had nothing. Carl tried to give me 4hrs in Jamaica (2hr commute ea. way) and a 12hr over-night in Staten Island. But he agreed it would be too much commuting. So, nothing. I’m not terribly upset. Good thing I’m not completely dependant on THEM. – And off to Tilden. Penelope. Tommy. Either he’s looking better or I’m in “that mood”. But he’s disgusted with RAA like I was almost 2 yrs. ago. It was good to hear what he had to say. – Penelope and I walked to Riis and back. Hot, hazy, humid. – Tonight there’s a presentation about Rockaway at T7. P. and I were thinking of going. She just rang. Not going. I’m almost relieved. – I’d stopped at Waldbaums for food and ice cream. So I heated chicken strips for sandwiches. Had my ice cream. Dishes done and I’m HOPING I’ll get to sleep EARLY tonight. I’m just SO tired. Under the blankets already. – Tomorrow, M&E. – It’s been a miserable swimming month again. I’ve not been in yet. That bothers me. – Oh, Mary T. rang. She still wants shells. I MUST get on that this week. Herman is doing poorly. I MUST go to see him. And I want to visit Solomon, Rabbi Lewis. And tomorrow morn, the Flea. – (And NOW! 18.49, the shit in 7 starts yelling! I have to settle the issue of Phil. I just might tell him that I complained about 7. Phil, little old lady that he is, will spread that gossip. It won’t make it through to 7. He’s recantarded. But I’m looking forward to a court date with Ms. D. now.) – I need some sleep. Last night must have been more than expected. Well? I didn’t get back until midnight. What do I expect?

15.Jun:
(PostTime: 6.08) OK. I’m wakened. Awake? Not sure. Things I’d like to accomplish on this day. Let’s just see. Alarms all over this morn. Beach. Flea. Moe. – Moron7 chatted until late in the evening. So much for my good night’s rest. And trouble falling asleep. Noise anxieties. Always expecting a bang, thump, fracas in the hall. The Shelter again. – But I’m hoping for beach this morning. It’s delightfully cool in here now. Maybe too delightfully cool. I’ll find out in about an hour. If not beach, perhaps laundry. The day is young. – And Penelope should be calling round 8. – We shall see. – Meanwhile, I’m wakened.
(PostTime: 14.58) Justin From D’Beach. Must to say, it PAID to go to the FleaMkt! DOCKERS AND WHITE SHIRT 25$ BOTH! Dockers tagged at 50. Shirt at 45/Clearance 33,75 And I really wasn’t feeling well. So I gave the guy 30, he gave me 5, I got a stainless steel/brass ring for left-hand ring finger. 30$ for what could have cost me over 100! SAVED 70$! – Was going to try Tilden today too. Decided to beach instead. 2hrs of sun. B113 no-swim. Butt-holes! Benepe can afford to stick FATHUGE Black folk on patrol, but not life-guards? The idiot has bilge where his brain should be. But I got sun. I feel a bit better. – Oh, and with 20 of my 70 saved? Beef, cereal, half’n’half at KeyFood. Food in the house! – An hour to relax. An hour to shower… NO. WAIT! An hour to relax AND shower and off to M&E. – And I have to ring PIC again today. – This morning, Phil confirmed: Denise told him that I’d complained about him. I clarified. He said he’d figured as much. So now I’m stock-piling my ammo. No time for her games. – Take a few moments here before getting back on the GO! The day’s been OK thus far. It WILL only get BETTER!

16.Jun:
(PostTime: 0.51) 15.06 cont. And the day went delightfully well. The drive to Far Rock went w/out a glitch. After dropping M&E I parked in the lot on Seagirt and walked the beach to about B22, along the inlet across from Long Beach. I got to see this end from Far Rock. Very different up there: the inlet is calm, nice boats (Long Beach is Nassau), no shells on the beach, more dunes. It’s very pretty, but not very “ocean”. Still, maybe a nice place to live. I found ONE SET of shells to make the 4 I need for Mary! Now I need to DRAW! Only 2 weeks left for that. – Walked the “board”walk (concrete) back to the car, rang Penelope. We talked quite a bit. Came to Bedlam for a quick dinner, chicken strips/potatoes sanwiches. It was time to head back. At B57/BCD Ev rang. They were ready. Timing was great. – En route to their place (*0h44 Phil laughing in the hall. Somebody banging on somebody’s door!*) stopped at Walgreens/Lefferts for cigs and laundry soap. – At the flat 23.25. – Ev calculated pay even for my “stand-by time: 6 hours for each day. She insisted. Then Moe insisted I leave because of the hour. When I got on the bus, I rang. Ev says he worries about me being out, alone so late. I tried to allay, to no avail. They’re amazingly caring. – And so, Bedlam. (And the chit-chat in the hall continues at 0h50. Rent? I’m really not going to worry. Court will handle it.)
(PostTime: 1.01) Since I came to Rockaway, I’ve met the extremes in people. The most miserable and the most precious. When I was at the bottim, Tommy offered the bus for shelter and bought lunch; Penelope risked letting me stay in T6, supplied food and smokes; Bob and Barbara have trusted me in their home, gave me their bed when I was there, provided special food, paid me well; Moe and Ev have cared about me, trusted me in their home, with their car, paid me generously; the Tretters treat me better than my iwn family. – It’s tough times, but very wonderful people. This has been a good time. Not easy. But I wanted to come back here, have done and been quite blessed with wonderful people.
(PostTime: 8.34) It would seem that yesterday’s good is taking today’s toll. I’m so very tired this morning! Have to call PIC at 10. Hoping to get laundry done. Rain in the forecast. I do believe I’m going to go back to sleep for a bit longer. Well, I did work until almost mid-night last. And never really recovered from Sunday. Must snooze a bit more. Then laundry and Mary’s shells today!
(PostTime: 12.44) Went back to sleep before coffee was finished and THIS is when I’m getting out of bed! NOT GOOD! There are things to be done! (And I’m about to done them.)
(PostTime: 23.13) Clean bed. Clean me. Dinner: fried egg, hash brown sandwiches. Having: vodka-limeade. – Laundry 14-16h. Bolted to Barnes/Nobles UnionSq for “Idiots Guide Judaism”. Not there. WALKED to Borders Penn Stn. GOT THEIR 2! Gifts for Barb.Bob & Ev.Moe. A back. A stop for vodka (I’m in the need). Mentioned the rehab to the girl at Harbor. Gave her some thoughts (plexiglass the store?) Set a fire under their arses. A guy at the laundry, here x30 yrs, says The City won’t invest in Rockaway. But seems to want better. Says our shuttle is to keep the Far Rock element away by making it more difficult to get here. (It’s not working any more.) Anyway… Rang Schmulik from 21st/6th. He was at home. Asked if I’ll go to Folsom on Sat. I told him it’s too annoying. He’s going. He’ll go there but not here. So his priorities are clear. So are mine. – Got in about 21.45. Made the bed. Ate dinner. Bumped into Phil. *Lorraine got hit by a car on B116! Went into hosp. Phil claims Denise rang; Lorraine’s dischd. but nobody knows where she is. *Her room is empty. *Nobody is cleaning the loos. *The shower up-stairs needs to be replaced and mgt. won’t do it. *Black mold on the ceiling here. *A roach out-side the loo. *Shit on the toilet seat in the W.loo. OK. The games begin. ONE note from Denise, I start calling The City. – Anyway, my nose is dripping. KHRNY on. (I’ve been in silence x24hrs. Didn’t turn the volume in.) – ** Mama’s 77th tomorrow. Double 7. ** She, double 7. Me, double 5. – Time to say “Good-bye”. – Working with M&E on Friday. – I NEED TO GET MY ART WORKING! (I NEED to stop the itch-drip in my NOSE!) I need to get to sleep.

17.Jun:
(PostTime: 20.56) It was a peaceful day. Productive. 3 shells sketched (and the idea for the 4th). Mary will be very pleased, I’m sure. I’m quite pleased. Each one took 2,5hrs. so I won’t get paid nearly what the time and work are worth. But then, not since my watercolours has it all been worth the effort.
It has been the 77th anniversary of my Mama’s birth. My Mother; my Very Best Friend. We went through a lot. Fate saw fit to release her from this Creation and grant her an early Peace. (The Peace symbol is in my shell sketches today.) I miss her. It’s been a long time since I last saw her… 22 years. Imagine? I look forward to the moment when my energy joins hers. I am tired.
It was a quiet day. Then Jose7 got in. So ended peace, so ended quiet. 18h. And now I’m ready to call 311 again. The banging on the wall (most likely roaches in the empty beer bottles), yelling, yammering in the phone. I don’t make disturbances of/for others. I will not allow others to disturb me.
Dinner: fried chicken. Dessert: ice cream. Dishes: done. Tomorrow: M&E and driving to QnsBlvd.
I need to get to the 4th shell sketch. Then fix them (stink-up the joint).
(PostTime: 22.21) I’ve got the runs! Fine all day and NOW! No doubt due to the banging and yelling and anticipated bullshit that will probably come through the night. I can actually hear Phil yelling on the front porch! – Then, at 22.12 a call from Penelope! I’d like to get up early and do the 4th shell (didn’t get to it and wouldn’t finish now until after mud-night). I truly need to get out if here, even for the next 2 months. Just someplace quiet. At this rate, the Bakfort is looking good. It was nice and quiet at night and, if nothing else, most nights I slept very well. – Now, if the runs will stop for the night, a little nap.
(PostTime: 23.43) And they’re still yelling in the hall and slamming doors.

18.Jun:
(PostTime: 9.29) The last time looked, it was 1.26 and Phil and some Spicmoron were still at the hall-yelling and door-slamming! 400$/mo. to reside in just another Shelter. This has GOT to END! Yet, I slept past the alarms to wake at 6.15 AND got the 4th (and final) shell done. Now it’s just finishing flourishes and the completion. – On the bus to M&E. The last MC expd. on Mum’s b’day. This one on la Fete! – Bad bowels day and already too friggin HOT! – This too shall pass. Hopefully so too will I… SOON!
(PostTime: 23.33) What a truly magnificent day (turned to shit by coming into Bedlam, save KHRNY on-air). – M&E by 10 and off to the MD with psrking directly out-side the door! And 75cents to park. – Lunch (challah french toast) at Shalimar and to Staples where Ev spent too much on copies because the info was incomplete on the copiers and the idiot I asked gave wrong info. I’ll remain pissed about that until I report it to the store. – Trader Joe’s. Ev’s back is killing her, but we shopped. Well, she shopped. I can’t afford to shop just yet. – I rang Barbara T. Bob is doung OK. But son Michael is doing rather poorly. A shame. They’re a nice family, he’s attractive (in 1 photo I’ve seen). I wish I could be his therapist. I’m willing to bet I could make a difference. – And then back to the house of M&E by 18.00. I helped un-pack groceries and we talked. I gave the “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Judaism” hoping they’ll get a laugh. We discussed SO MUCH about the daughter and the Orthodoxy. I still can’t get over the fact that I just happened to fall into the Agudah! Orthodoxy! Imagine? And I told them more of Mum, Rabbi Lewis and my own philosophies on all of it. I do believe it empowers them. (Rabbi Lewis, you’d be SO PROUD!) – Ev got teary over the note I put into the book. They truly do appreciate every little thing I do… no matter what. I’ve been most blessed by their presencd in my existence. What truly splendid gifts they are. I am grateful. I should be happy. I am… at each moment. They care. The appreciate. They respect. They trust. They’re kind, compassionate, concerned, considerate, fair. They’re amazing! (Can they un-do damage? Probably not. But they bring Peace and Joy. Such a wonderful and necessaey gift!) And they’re put into such horrid places by the daughter B. who’s been brain-washed by their Agudah. It’s a misery, how she abuses them. AND she and hers call themselves “Jews”? Yeah, like the Haredim, Amar and the rest of that ilk…

19.Jun:
(PostTime: 0.03) I am so thankful to my Mother and for my Mother who lived more according to the True Jewish Law than ANY other persom I’ve ever known. HER teachings and memory live in ALL whom I’ve told of her. I groom her grave-site by planting the very best of het Life in the hearts, minds and memories of all whom I meet as I go through this, my own “life”. SHE is a TRUE ANGEL, the TRUE spurit of “Tikkun Olam”. SHE is THE reparation of Creation. Maybe THIS is my personal reason to exist: to keep her presence in Creation. Maybe… – And so, I got in at well past 21h. Made salmon spread. 2 sandwiches for dinner. Saw a little Black girl tumble by the toilet in the green loo. Disgusting. She was on her knees in front of the toilet. Disgusting. – Had my “dinner”, did the dishes. All done. Poured a HEAVY vodka-lime. Looked-up Hebrew slang. And here I am. 23.47, a bit of cimfy 27* in here, KHRNY on the radio. Shabbat. If I’d taken-in my Dockers, I’d probably go to T&V tomorrow. Schmulik will be at Folsom. I have nothing to wear, I’m certainly no “prize”. I just don’t want the judgemental annoyance. I get enough from the Spictrash here and the Jewtrash. Forget adding to it. Besides, I have to admit, Schmulik hasn’t made any effort to come, spend time with me; I’ll not go out of my way to spend time on his terms. I’ve already done that too much. I guess I’m disappointed. I put too much in hoping for him. I was silly. And my existence is OK w/o him. – Tomorrow? Some beach, Tilden. What I came here, to Rockaway, for… to get the fuck away! I AM “away”. I’m re-writing, re-scripting my “life”. – Bedlam has gone quiet. The mad-men have calmed. Perhaps their meds have taken hold. I am tired. Perhaps the vodka. But I don’t want to sleep. I don’t have the energy to go to the beach. It would be quite nice to go, sit on a life-guard’s chair, snuggled with some-one. There is no-one and I’m too tired tonight to go alone. So, I’ll close this, it’s become yom Shabbat already, here, finish my drink, rinse my glass, try for sleep…
(PostTime: 10.36) Slept dead through the night. No wonder. Vodka… and fatigue. Woke about 8. 2 coats fixative on Mary’s shells. Outer glue hinge on them at 9. At 21h I’ll do the inner. It’s supposed to take 24-72hrs for max adhesion. But maybe I’ll get the shells to Mary tomorrow. – This us going to be a tough month. I’m almost 400 short at present. Too many expenses attacking! But last year I was in W101D18. The general environment hasn’t changed much. I’m still in a place where the majority are simple trash. But this year I’m PAYING to be annoyed. – And I really need a hair-cut. But doing so really violates Shabbat. It’s about the noise of the trimmer too. It’s delightfully calm, KHRNY, comfy temp in here. I just don’t want to disturb. – I should go to the beach, try for a swim finally. Would like to go to Tilden. Should take in the Dockers. I could wear them to schul next week. Just can’t seem to focus long enough to decide. – I think last night’s little girl in the loo was Phil’s. So we look forward to more running, stomping, screeching at all hours. In addition to the brat in nr7. As I say, the general environment hasn’t changed since W101D18. – I wonder: Rey, George, Rick, Keith/Pop, Rich, Tony Muscle, Angel, Dennis, Mike, MarkBuddah, Charles, of course Charlie, Kalib, “Fabulous”… did Eddie go back (he said SingSing was better)… has Gregory gotten his arse duly kicked… did Greek Vivian get something better… or the other sec. who was hoping for better… Next month will be a year. HA8539266 comes off the books, gets filed in the basement. – I’m dearly blessed with very good people. I’d still prefer infinite Peace. – For now, I need to make decisions and moves on this day. Maybe a 30min, then beach. Yes, ani khoshev…
(PostTime: 21.52) No beach. No Tilden. No hair-cut. No shower. Nap. Nap. Another nap. And… napped again. Between naps? Glued Mary shells. These aren’t working like the first one I tried. But I believe they will be fine by morning. Morning; clouds and rain. Monday? Clear and in the mid 30’s. Moe at noon. Tomorrow: Maybe I’ll get a hair-cut in the EARLY morning, swim in after that, Tilden after that. Monday morning, beach before Moe. Plans. I wonder… – Had the runs this morning, churning gut all day. And what’s with me and the sleepies all the time? Unable to make decisions. Just so weary… all the time. What-ever it is, if it’s “organic” I don’t want to know. – Anyway, it was quite relatively quiet all day. (I DREAD tonight’s potential.) – A thought: NOBODY in the house gets to use the porch any more since Phil and his Spictrashes took it over. Pisses me off!
(PostTime: 22.11) DREAM: This after-noon; I had a rented room that I was living in and I maintained a Shelter bed as well. Some guy in the shelter had a pair of cowboy boots I’d managed to take. I had them in my rented room. I was working on some art project I’d be paid for but wanted a “boot break”. I closed the white drape across the closed door (as I did today with the black drape). Looking into the boots I noticed they were brand new, never worn. Just then, a knock on the door. Mum. We had to go out. So we did. Suddenly, it’s late evening. I’m on 17k at the entrance to the Brookside Drive-In. (There was no segue to this.) No car. Nobody to get me. I had to get to the Shelter to keep the bed, had to return the boots, had to get back to the room to work on the project. I was STRANDED AND I PANICED, VERY BADLY PANICED! It was a suffocating anxiety! Suddenly, I’m in a car, Mum’s drivung. It’s pouring rain! The car roof leaks. We’re under a tarp in the car. We come to a white house where we’re supposed to be. It’s still pouring. We get out of the car. Mum goes into the house. I have to fold the tarp which has become a comforter (the one Zur gave me: red/blue). It’s torn and wet. I fold it, in the rain. I’m thinking it’s good to have the ride but I still need to be at the Shelter AND back at the room. I have no idea how I’ll get to either and I can’t tell Mum about either place. The dream ended.
(PostTime: 22.24) Not that it should matter, but before I pull the plug on this day I’d like to mention that I’d had no libidinal inclinations x3 days. Unusual considering they’re usually daily. But tonight that was taken care of simply. Stim, no accoutrements, less than 30mins. Do I feel any better? Dreams (or none) will tell (as will whether or not I EVER get to sleep tonight. There’s the anxiety of anticipated mayhem when the Porchmonkeys come in for the night. But THAT is truly DAILY… the anxiety.) – OK. I think it’s nap-time (again). OH LOOKIE! THE PORCHMONKEYS ARE STIRRING! I hear their yammering down the hall. 311 will get calls tonight!

20.Jun:
(PostTime: 6.45) This place is becoming more and more like a public shelter; at 6h I used the maroon loo and there’s a cigarette on the floor! As if it dropped, lit, from somebody’s mouth and extinguished itself on the floor! It’s only a matter of time before the next Great Rockaway Fire. – Meanwhile, I started a hair-cut, but the razor makes too much noise (I really shouldn’t care, I know. And it’s probably only because it’s close to MY ear… But it IS only just 6.30.) I’ll wait the half hour. – The hinged shells are good this morning. I can finish them off and they’re ready to go. – Rent for July is going to be VERY tight. 10 days. 300 (plus). And PIC has become unreliable. At this point, they’d be no help anyway. The Summer months have always been my worst. – It looks to be a good day, weather-wise. I should be heading for the beach instead if doing this. But if it rained over-night, the sand will be wet. – A shuttle just left. First since I woke at about 5.45. Not very frequent. – Time to DO something. I’m still amazed that I’m awake at this hour. It actually WAS nothing more than a “nap” last night. – And a bird has nested in the stair-roof where it abuts the bldg next door. Back and forth all day. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Not that I mind. – This room is simply FILTHY! When did I become so… so… nasty and un-caring? It truly is disgusting. ME! Who used to wash a 2-bedrm. EVERY week. We’ve come mighty low. I just wish that I might care… but I don’t. Not in THIS place. Not now. Not any more.
(PostTime: 9.20) OMG and WTF! I have a hair-cut AND a clean floor! At 7.30 I decided to finish the hair-cut AND I did a thorough job this time round. BUT as I swept the floor, I fell into the moment AND finished it off with the LINT ROLLER! Yes; the canvas needs washing (and I WAS tempted). HOWEVER and BUT, NOT THIS morning, no. I shall finish my 2nd coffee, shower and GTF out of here this morn. What I shall do/where I shall go remains TBS (to be seen). But there will be NO staying in here THIS day. – It’s over-cast. Maybe I’ll bring swim-stuff to Tilden. It’s Fathers’ Day; hopefully ALL family-types will take father to a meal or bar-b in their own yards, stay off the beaches. Hmmm.
(PostTime: 9.22) Miserable Addendum: Need coffee, cigarettes, toilet paper… in addition to all else. The month is coming UN-RAVELLED!
(PostTime: 20.00) So, w/the brief reprieve fm kids running, stomping, screaming in the halls, and the “Keep Out” sign on the porch door (Phil and the Trash), here’s how the delightful part of the day went:
1st. The shower stall was FILTHY. There’s a mop in the green loo, somebody must have rinsed it in the shower. (Shelter!) I showered in flip-flops.
2. OUT at noon to Tilden. No swim stuff. There’d been threats of storms. I brought my umbrella. It worked perfectly! Not even a drizzle. So I stayed, doing nothing, until about 15h. Talked with Penelope. Talked art and my art with Yuri. It started to get crowded with the hangovers of yesterday (Mermaid Parade, Coney) and I was getting just TOO ill-at-ease. So I rang Barbara Taylor and headed there.
3. At the Taylor’s, I met Michael. Really nice kid/guy. Attractive. We talked. He’s engaging. Really very nice. Bob was silently watching an ER programme. Surgery, etc. I gave them the book. Sat talking snd had a water. They were ordering Chinese fir dinner. Barbara invited me to stay but I declined. (I’d planned to go to Pitkin for bath-soap but…)
4. When I left, it was going for 17h so I decided to come back to Rock. En route to the bus I rang Mary Tretter to tell her that her shells are ready. They were on the way to “5:00 mass”. Oh well.
5. Got the Q21 back and decided I REALLY want jerk. So I dropped my pack and went right over to GASTON. JERK and ginger ale. (I had 19$ with me. It came to 5,04$ and the guy in the market actually charged me that.)
6. Got the bus back to Bedlam where the trash was out on the porch and the little trash was amok in the halls here and up-stairs. I got right to cooking…
Jerk beef burgers and hash-browns! The jerk is marked “mild” and isn’t Walkers. It smells pretty good, tasted quite good and isn’t all that “mild”. But it’s been YEARS frim since I last had jerk so it’s probably better it was “mild”. Still, it was very good and the room smells D-lish. I could go for more but food’s not plentiful and I don’t dare over-do the jerk.
(cont…)
(PostTime: 20.30) So, it was great being back at Gaston. I believe it always will be. Gaston: my refuge, respite, escape, comfort, consolation. Perhaps my ultimate Peace one day (soon). And to think, now it’s where I got the jerk after so long. Another good connection. The area isn’t all so wonderful. But for me? It’s much more. – I wondered about Brian Jackson. I wondered about Erol. People. I coonect with people there now, as well.
At Tilden, a black-car full of guys came to T7. Gay, I’ve no doubt. Looking for “Tilden beach”. Penelope announced the road was closed (as is the case on the Hero Rd. in Summer). So I sent them off to Riis Bay 1 . Well. There was 1 I might have been interested in. But… Off they went. OK. No prob. I’m not financially positioned, nor emotionally – I don’t care and don’t want to care and don’t plan to care.
As for THIS trap? Apparently a bunch of guys decided to TAKE the porch for some “festives”. Their miserable brats came to the house too. Little beige and coloured ones. How odd: they’re as ill-mannered and ill-behaved as their fathers. (By the moment, it’s not too bad. Just the ocassional THUD up-stairs in the hall.) But the “Keep Out” sign? This and the cig. in the loo, AND THE GARBAGE OUT-SIDE THE SAIR-WAY WINDOW…! OK Ms. D. Let’s go once round! Roaches. Cigarettes/smoking in shared space. Sewage in the sink drain. Proof you REFUSED previous rent payments. WELL! Indeed. AND YOUR “FAGGOT”-caller and noisy liitle dog too. OH! BLACK MOLD ON THE HALL CEILING. Rotting wood in the maroon loo from the LEAK up-stairs. Repairs to the boiler. Let’s go! Once round. DING! You’re SO finished.
(I’m having a vodka-ginger. ICK! But it will help me sleep… hopefully. 29,5* in here. It’s VERY warm! PLEASE!? NO 30.)
I still need cigs. and soap. I’m hoping for beach at 6h “machar”. Morning brewed coffee in the press. Dishes done. KHRNY in static. PLEASE DON’T LOSE THAT! And it’s just about time to try to pasd out. IF there’s ANY disturbance tonight… 311! No tjought about it at all. I’m at the end…

21.Jun:
(PostTime: 9.44) Well, surprise. No beach. More sleep. The air feels good, circulating by the fan. I woke, checked weather and voy, had coffee, napped. I just feel heavy. – Oh, yesterday as I left Tilden, a car in the lot, NJ plate: ZUR and some numbers. – Now? Shower, a pk cigs, Moe. Maybe art in the park. Have to be imagainative today. Don’t feel imaginative today.
(PostTime: 20.08) Got a pk cigs this morn. Cashbroke now. Made a dep to TD. I’m 20$ over what I thought. Don’t know how/why. (Just did phone-rec MCU. To my book. First rec in almost a month. This is SO NOT me!) – Got to Moe at noon. Traffic was horrid! Road repairs here closed BCD. Some woman took an hour Neponsit-B116! Road repairs om Union Tpke screwed traffic there. We got Moe’s hair cut (w/55 mins. on a metre! No charge there!) but the trip took forever! We were supposed to go sketching so headed to Forest Park for a map. Visitors’ Ctr closed! We drove through the park a bit. Lovely drive. Then to Shalimar for (M)eggs and (me,challah french toast. We got back to Moe’s at 17h. Ev was home. But HER day? SHE went into The City for MD appointment, sat for 2 hours only to learn her MD RETIRED… LAST THURSDAY! He had a replacement but NONE of his pts were notified AND the replacement had her own pts! So Ev too wasted her day! So much for the first day of Summer. – So I left there about 18h. Q21 back to Bedlam. Phil must have his brat here afain because it’s stomping in the hall. – Oh yes, there were two plungers in the green loo this morning AND the rug was hanging out the window, soaking wet. It’s just getting worse round here! Just worse. – Have decided, when the SmClaims gets to the judge, I’m going to try to get Denise subpoenaed into the court. With what’s going on here, I’m fed up. I shouldn’t have to move because she’s bringing trash. And the very next time she’s rude to me, I’ll begin reporting violations. – Meanwhile, the stomping must cease tonight or the calls to 311 are going to begin. This is NOT a place for children… esp disrespectful brats! – Jerk chicken/potatoes for dinner.
(PostTime: 20.15) Damned good thing I don’t have a smoke alarm. The chicken is bar-b’ed! – And Phil’s spore is now yelling in the hall! Here goes 311. It’s after 20h and working people do NOT deserve this disrespect. One more disturbance and the calls begin.
(PostTime: 21.11) Call made. Complnt regd. The stomping continues. There will be more calls through the season. And the walls are creaking with the thumps. Yes. More calls will follow. But this one involves children. Let’s see how that works. – Have tried Penelope. Line occupied. I wonder if she’ll be at Tilden tomorrow. I should plan to be there, on the beach, in the morning. A quick trip here to shower and then…? – I have to cut back on the smoking now. – Meanwhile, dishes done. ONE vodka-ginger and call the day “done”. – Anus7 is taking Anus5’s wall-thumping habits at this hour. I DREAD what might go into 5 now!

22.Jun:
(PostTime: 8.22) Could NOT get to sleep last night! Miserably hot. The alarms sounded this morning and I couldn’t wake. No word from Penelope. I hope she’ll be at Tilden because it’s a cloudy day to come and I don’t want to spend it in this house. Was hoping for sun and swim. But that’s not likely. So I’ll do some art. – Figured, last nigjt, I should make July’s rent on time… barely. So that’s good. But I really need to find a new job. PIC is a PITA.
DREAM: (Very frag’ed) In the Shelter but only for a short while. Not because I had to be. Was there with a friend (he was with me but I never saw him). In the shower on 4th fl. Dana(Do-rag) showering w/a friend. Smiled. Said “Yes, we are too (Gay). We’re the morning stiffies.” I said, to my un-seen friend “He’ll never change.” I go to make my bed. 5 others who shared a huge bed are makimg theirs. We’re hurried. Must get out for the day. Next thing, I’m temporarily transf’d to 7th fl. Psych. A grp.thpy. session w/Dr. Phil going on. I don’t participate. Am looking for something in the hall, outsude the grp rm. I get a “ping” in my temples fm bending. Dr. notices, comes rushing over. “You need to have that examined! It shouldn’t happen. Could be serious.” I don’t trust him. I suspect he’s trying to get me admitted. I hurry to leave. Next, I’m out-side on my bed, rolling down a hill (bnkr 411), I’m making the bed as it rolls. It’s raining, dark, cloudy. The bed and I are getting wet but I keep making the bed. (Again, the comforter that Zur gave me. 2nd dream in a row with this comforter.)
(PostTime: 20.32) The new swim trunks got salt water today! I GOT IN TO SWIM! AT TILDEN! EMPTY BEACH! WOAH! Tilden by about 11. Penelope and some folks were there but it emptied soon enough. Mostly folks asking how to get permits. We shoved them off. By noon I was on the beach. A bit cloudy. The ocean’s still a bit chilly. And calm. But it was a delight to be in there again. Then Penelope and I enjoyed sitting on the T7 porch, talking. She teared when she remembered her family today. I was choked too… The truly wonderful people are gone. – But we enjoyed our own company. (She complimented my swim trunks and my nose… of all things.) It wad tough leaving her today. – Bus back. 3 fried eggs in jerk, cirn flakes, shower, out the door to Walgreens for bath soap and cigs (money I can’t afford to spend). – Back in Bedlam by abiyt 19h. I’ve had a drink and 2 aspirin. I want to be lights-out by 21h. I have to be AT Moe’s AT 9h tomorrow. – And PIC calls. 3 days x 3 hrs. Start tomorrow. NOT! I can make at least 80-90 tomorrow! Almost 200 coming by Friday. If they’ll let me start Friday… OK. But certainly not tomorrow. – Shit7 just came in. SLAMMED the door, banged the wall. I’m thinking of holding my income, forcing a court appearance, moving out. I’m still thinking August. I’m tired if this. – I think I heard thunder. I wish I could see the weather. – I’m hungry. 2 slices bread. No milk. Almist time to try for sleep. – It’s POURING!

23.Jun:
(PostTime: 5.32) It was “Lightsout” at 21.00 and one “wakeup” at 1.30. This morning’s coffee is lousy-weak and it’s 29 friggin degrees in here already! Must’ve been hot during the night because I had a brief dream about trying to put a fan in the best spot in the room. Nothing more than that. And now to wait for the a.m.B.M. Then to the showers and a day with “The Folks” (M&E) in The Big City.
(PostTime: 11.25) At Raiffmsn’s, 1000 Park. – PIC is after me! But Ev just asked me to stay w/Moe tomorrow too and, well, it’s in my better interest to work for them right now. Even working Fri. for PIC, I won’t see that for TWO weeks and rents are due in ONE. Oh well. – Am SO VERY TIRED this morn. And we NEEDED air in a tyre and gas. But WOW we made GREAT time! If Moe would stop with the directions. Oh… it’s OK. – I’m parked about 7 blocks away. Good thing my legs are long because my body doesn’t want to move…
(PostTime: 11.27) MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE IT WAS PAINTED BY SALVADOR DALI.
(PostTime: 23.00) IT’S 32deg IN HERE! I’M JUST SOAKED! And the fan is moving slow! NO! – 11 hrs. w/M&E today. The drive into The City went exceptionally well. Finding parking? They were on Park/84.85. I got parking 89/3rd! Then found space 86/Park. We went to lunch at New Amity luncheonette. Tuna salad (scoop) on lettuce,tom,cuc:11+$! Shit! – Drove them up to 55W95, their 1st apt. tog. We sat (in the car) as they described it some 50yrs ago. On to CPW/70.71. OK parking but 2hrs for Moe’s dental. By now it was 17h. – As I drove to get them, WQXR played Bach, Brandenburg Conc. 4 and I crossed 60th toward Lincoln Ctr. Those great days… gone. My baroque music, gone. The blood-hate of siblings! Even this 32* in here isn’t that hot! May they never die and exist painfully into Eternity! – Back in Queens, Queens Ctr. Mall. Ev picking lotion for Mimi. She was going to buy scented at Bath & Body. I persuaded her to get Clinique at Macy’s. She thanked me for the recommendation. – At M&E, a quick send-off. It was 20.00! I’ll go back tomorrow at 11h. – Bedlam at about 21h. Burgers, potatoes. – Spoke about an hour w/Penelope. Will see her Friday at Tilden. – Dishes done. V.Ginger. 2 aspirin. Just sweating! Too miserably HOT.

24.Jun:
(PostTime: 7.46) 31deg in here this morning and I’d rather go right back to sleep. Last night, I tossed and turned for the longest while before finally getting to sleep. I do need another fan in here. This is awful. But… it’s my fault. I bought groceries when I knew I shouldn’t. This is how life is. And today, the forecast is “94”! The hot days, they are here! I’d rather be cold. Thankfully, there’s a/c at Moe’s. Oh! And I have to spend carfare this morning! It never ends. Ev and I were discussing the Orthodix yesterday. How they can bring so many children up, buy them clothes, feed them; buy cars; send the kids to Yeshiva, camp, Israel; how they manage to go through life being so deeply in debt and none of it seems to bother them at all. “They accept what haShem gives them.” says Ev. Even the difficulties… in finance. It doesn’t phase them. Maybe I should adopt that stance, do what I can and accept the rest. After all, it’s been this way for so long for me. My Fate, as it is. Hmm. A thought. Penelope says that what I do for M&E is so wonderful; they’d be so bad-off if not for what I do. So it’s not that I’m not a good person. Honest, trustworthy, forthright; that’s how P. describes me. So? I’m what I should be, keeping my Mum’s good alive. So, I need to stop the angst. Sounds good. I don’t buy into it, unfortunately. – And it’s SO HOT today!
(PostTime: 7.54) I worked on those shells for Mary; the sketches, the hinges. I rang, left her a message that they’re ready. Haven’t heard back. I expect this is more work for nothing. Very Christian of her… just like Cyndi. There are those in all people. But to be “Catholic” and pontificating and self-righteous and condemning of others, and inconsiderate and selfish. Even if I get them to her, I expect difficulties with the price SHE said. And right now, I’m depending on that income (my fault).
(PostTime: 7.56) BONNE FETE, CHERE VIV!
BONNE FETE, A TOUS! QUEBEC!
(PostTime: 21.33) Q21 fm M&E: Still miserably hot. A/c bus. VERY tired.
*You have removed your-self to a place where “they” will not come to find you. Connections to “that” past are severred. Friends of yester-years are dead. The rest have no connection. Now, there are those who appreciate you, your life, your presence in their lives. Those who know all that you’ve told, know of most (save P. who knows MUCH, MUCH more) of your past and have admired you for how you have integrated it and assimilated it and have remained kind, considerate, compassionate, forth-right, ethical, trustworthy. They are very few. But they are important. You HAVE RE-written your life here. You HAVE RE-scripted. You CAN RE-script the future. The most difficult part is DONE: your existence has RE-commenced here, in this place where no-one will come to find you. Jew. Nurse. Psychologist. Counselor. You truly are these, and more. And you actually are these, and more.
Time to move forward now, in the benefits of those who appreciate the fact that you are part of THEIR lives.
(PostTime: 22.31) It started out all wrong. It was SO damned hot, I got SO little sleep last night. No BM. No a/c on the bus. But Moe was glad to see me and had little things to be done: fix a can-opener, fix the door-bell. I BROKE THE HALL LIGHT! HIT MY HEAD ON THE CYLINDER! And felt like shit about it. Moe took it in stride and worried about my head (and glass fragments, company tomorrow). I cleaned up the mess, insisted I’ll look for a replacemeng (on a 40y/o light?) and we went on with the day. Shopped across the street (in a/c). Got the whole list. I lost patience (but not temper) because the scanner was finiky, the bags are shitty, no customer assistance. But we managed. – Moe wanted to go for lunch. I wanted to run up with perishables alone. He decided to go too. So, we went tog. It was already 14h. I was tired. He rang Ev. We went to FH Coffee Shop. He had spinach pie, I had burger d’lx. We went back to the flat, learnt their a/c (which doesn’t really cool the place much) and then talked. – Ev back at 19h on the nose! A very tougj day with Mimi in hosp. Moe told her that, througj our talks, he’s come to appreciate my ethics and disciplines. Ev said Mimi wants “a Judah”. This one wishes he could help Mimi. Anyway, we talked until about 20.30. Pd. x 33hrs plus parking. They want me on Monday! I need to put in some time at PIC but the following week is potential half rent in 2 days. Well? Left, waited for bus. Packed! Q11 finally. Q21 at long last.
Rang Penelope en route to bus. Will meet her at Tilden tomorrow. Hoefully by 9h. to hwlp clear T6. She too appreciates me/my company. I’m amazed. Maybe I AM an OK person.
SO tired on bus!
Phil on porch at Bedlam. A wave and greeting. I wonder what bullshit he’s being fed by Denise. In at almost 22h. Cookies for dinner. About a shot vodka keft. 31* in here! I NEED ANOTHER FAN! Somebody’s listening to a loud raduo. I’m not turning mine up. Too hot.
Now to hope for some SLEEP! Tonight, if need be, I’ll shower… even at 1.00!
I’M EXHAUSTED!

25.Jun:
(PostTime: 6.25) There’s a bit of wash in the basin. I had just enough instant for coffee. Woke moments before the alarms. This day has begun. 30 damned degrees in here. No volume on the radio. I’m enjoying the silence of the morning. (And I’m ready for a nap.) Looked to see when I posted last night. 22.31. It was shortly after when I just put the light out. Sleep came not long after that. Now, this day will be just fine. I’ll be at Tilden by 10. And it WILL be a GREAT day!
(PostTime: 19.44) Boitte Postale 133, Ft.Tilden 95
Got a quick laundry done, shower and out to the RockPark PO. No important mail. Got an app for box and to the 35bus to Tilden. Met Tommy waiting for the bus. He bummed a cig. (That’s going to stop now, with the price of cigs going up AGAIN!)
At Tilden, stopped at the PO, completed the app but it wasn’t the form they’re used to so re-apped. Got the nr. and key but that office can’t do debit cards! So, I said I’d be back and headed for T7.
Penelope at T7 sculpting on the porch. We talked. I told here I had to walk to Breezy to get to the banque. I gave her the oppty. to offer a lift. She didn’t even mention it! So, off I went, walking down the State Rd. to Breezy, in the hot sun. (Ridgewood Svgs. charged me 2$!) And on the walk back, discovered the sweetest mullberries at B193!
(PostTime: 22.52) 22.27 Just getting back fm Barbara’s.
To continue: There were police helicoptors, fire engines fm Tilden and Roxbury, an ambulance (or more), and MANY Dept. of Interiors vehicles at Tilden this morning! I learned, at the PO, a RADIOACTIVITY SPIKE IN TILDEN MADE THEM CLOSE THE BEACH! But NOBODY told P. and I as we sat on the porch of T7. Hmmm.
Pick-up where I left off: I walked back fm Breezy, cut off at B193 into the Fort and down the Ranger Rd. By the time I reached T7 my leg muscles were drawing fm dehydration. (But no regrets were expressed.) It was just past 13h. so I waited until about 13.30 to go to the PO for the NEW POB. Went in, paid, schmoozed and walked out with the Tilden addresse! When I got back to T7, said to P.: 1 yr. ago, next mo. I was ACTUALLY RESIDING in the Bakfort. Today, my legal MAILING addresse IS, ACTUALLY The Fort! It struck me, somehow… considering I’m not thinking of (much) more than 65 more days in this Creation. (I thought… I didn’t say.) P. said “And look what you’ve been through and how far away fm that you’ve come.”
I hung on the porch, talking with her, Tony and passers-by until she left. I then went to the back-yard of T6,. put on my swim trunks and went for a SWIM ON THE BEACH for maybe a bit more than an hour. The tide was coming in. There was a lot of sea-debris but the temperature was perfect! Just too many (tho not a lot) people for real enjoyment.
I left the beach, changed at T6, got the bus to B116, vodka and, at the corner store (NOT Pickles!) got ginger ale and 4 Little Debbie pies (2 ea: peach and chocolate).
Spoke with Ev whilst out. Will see them Monday 11h for a drive into The City.
Ambulances at Seaside lib. for some old guy, police on B116 for unruly Blacks. A happening place.
I came to Bedlam. Pasta for dinner. Coffee made for tomorrow (a cheque in the book and little in the acct.)
Dishes done and ready to turn in for the evening, a knock on the door… Barbara! Up for ONLY 2 drinks tonight (her drinks give me hangovers). As for the talk…?
(PostTime: 23.07)SHE’LL be paying June rent this coming week. Because of her cheques, she pays mid-month. So she hasn’t spoken w/Denise, but I can imagine the Spics (incl. Phil) all know that I haven’t bothered as yet. Not important. We (B. & I) talked about the house, the probs,, the violations. As she says: ALL of us could stop paying rent and NONE of us could be evicted because (a)owner/mgt can’t afford to golto court and (b)no court would find in their favour and (c)the violations would kill them. Anyway…
I HAD to tell B. I’m working tomorrow to get out and come back (before the 3rd drink!). She hugged me and said she’s short of company. I told her to knock on my door.
And here I am: 29,5*, ceiling fan in reverse (to try), transem open (to try). Just about ready to TRY for sleep, mail at Ft.Tilden.
I’ve JUMPED over abother notch and away fm the nasty past. Now, if I could make a fair, comfortable living with fewer hassles in a place I could look fwd to coming home to where I could work on my art, maybe get back to Internet… But I know better… 55 is enough years; and the open Atlantic to the entire world is just a block and a beach away.

26.Jun:
(PostTime: 8.52) Alarm at 7. Hit Snooze x3. Awake at 8.30 still wanting more sleep. 28,5* but comfortable under the fan. Transem open. No radio no light on. Silence in the house. Shabbat. And no residuals from last night’s drinks. 2’s the limit. Now to figure what I’ll do with the day. Tilden, of course. Perhaps a swim. This WILL be a good Shabbat! – It wasn’t easy, falling asleep last night. But when I finally did… – Fist thing this mirning, the stench of sewagd when I pulled the cork in the sink. Just noting. – Tummy wants a BM. A good thing. – Need vit.C. (and terlit tissue). Food too. – But POB done thru Dec. (will I still be here in Dec.?)
(PostTime: 17.53) So, at 11h I HAVE to use the bath-room (and get showered). I step out the door, Phil, 4 and 7 have taken BOTH bath-rooms, replacing d shower curtains, window curtains, throwing out rugs. Replacing everything with cheap 99cent shit! There was nothing wrong with the stuff I’d put in. Nothing wrong with the other stuff either. But Phil said there was shit all over the toilet in the maroon bath-rm toilet this morning. And fm their chatting I heard that somebody vomited in my rug. Don’t wash. Replace. Now it’s all flowery CHEAP PLASTIC, EVEN ON THE WINDOWS! Very “Minority decor”. I dud take an opportunity to tell Phil of the strangers using the toilets at all hours. And Ms. D. was on the floor, yammering away about everybody working together. HER? WORK? Not likely. But surely she’ll use this event to serve HER somehow. Me? I’m rather pissed. I’d replaced the curtain, rings, rug at my own expense. It was good quality. When I replaced, I asked about the old. THIS was just done. Well. The shower curtains are too sgort. There will be water in Ms. D’s before too long. And they’ll be in shreds before Summer’s out. NOT my concern.
To Tilden. Penelope, chat, nice. At 15h I went to the beach. Yuri said the water was warm and clear. Well, the beachlwas PACKED clear toward 321! Too far to walk for a clear spot. Too hot on the Shore Rd. to walk. TOO
(PostTime: 18.19) (Cont… I’m cooking. Starved. Pasta, potatoes, spinach. One pot. No food. Need to go out later: banque, cigs. A 4-hour ordeal. Midnight tonight.)
I come back to T7, annoyed about the beach. Killian! HE plays Mr. Tilden anyway and SHE’S just oblivious to the reality of others, I didn’t relish them being there. I was ready to leave. Penelope asked me to stay. I did. It tyrned out OK. (I dreaded coming back to Bedlam anyway.)
A woman and I got to talking about Tilden Beach: in the 14 yrs she’s been coming in fm Bklyn, it’s just the worst; families should NOT be here, esp little children. We both agreed that, if ONE child drowns there, it’ll be the end for Tilden. (I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking thus.)
Time to return. Q35. My personal fave driver (eye candy, phantasy material). We talked. As I got off the bus, the thong on my flip-flop broke! The sturdy ones! I walked bare-foot! But NOT UNTIL I STEPPED IN THE DOOR HERE DID I HSVE TROUBLE. HERE, I GOT A SPLINTER! (Phil had opened the door for me.) SCRUB the feet with Clorox Clean-Up!
Dinner. Not bad. A touch spicey (jerk season of course). Hopefully filling.
The Bedlam trash is in the yard and thumping about the halls. No doubt we’re in for a bad night… me on the 311 line.
Over-cast. At 20.30 I’ll be out of here to do my running. I want the beach and Tilden EARLY tomorrow.
(PostTime: 21.39) It just too over an HOUR to look-up TD branches only to find I have to do my usual route to 71/Metro! SO, now I have to get up tomorrow at 5 to get the 6h Q53 so I can do my banque/cig run and get to Tilden early. And the weather ain’t promising. I’m growing tired of Shabbat regs. It’s supposed to be a joyful day but it always seems to become burdensome. Time to re-think the logic. So now I’m having a stiff drink, want dessert and there’s none, and feeling sticky in 3degree heat. Nr7 is yawning ALOUD! This phone-typing shit is getting on my last nerve! I’m just generally in a piss.
NOTHING for la Fete! Tomorrow is Pride. The 4th is coming too quickly. 2010 is half gone! Payments are due. Oh, and 1199 is pulling “You’re not registered” bull-shit! I HANDED MY REG IN PERSON! Monday, THEY’L

27.Jun:
(PostTime: 5.41) I had an entire entry done… correctly, this bloody blog requested a “valid email address” when I submitted. Then required the password (for a 3rd time) and wiped my entry out! NOT a good start!
Another try? (butt-heads)
Step 1 on what will prove to be an interesting day: I’m awake. – The morning brings the realisation that I need not schlep things I’ll bring to Tilden since I have to come back here to get there anyway. – Also, I believe (ani choshev) I’ve figured out this Shabbat thing: one must work in prep for the enjoyment of a day of rest, lest one need to wake at 5h on the day after. It’s a matter if discipline, like following kashrut. – And so, as I said before (and disappeared) c’est ca, c’est tout, c’est l’jour. – Now my tummy needs relief.
(PostTime: 5.55) PS The potties are very pretty and it ocurred to me: I haven’t seen cheap shit like the rugs, seat covers and plastic curtains (shower and window) since round-about the early 70’s when schlok first really hit the tenament slums. We’re quite “vogue” now. I think it’s called “Retro”. (No matter. It’s still nothing more than crap… of the Puerto Rican style.) – Well, here’s to this day.
(PostTime: 19.57) At 8h I was out the door and under full steam. Q53 Myrtle, walked over to the 23 U.Tpke to the banque. 9.34 on the 54 to Lefferts 10 to Walgreens. Vit.C and their LAST 3 cigs at discount! The search renews. JUST MADE THE Q7 to the 53 back! FoodTown for beef, halfnhalf, instant coffee. In the house, put perishables in the fridge, out to the 22 to Tilden by about 11.30! Non-stop action. Penelope had set-up in the E. end of T7 where there was a large table where I could have worked but didn’t. Neither of us did. A group had rented the bldg. for a children’s book promo. Little ones running, screaming. We passed the day out-side on the benches, talking. Tommy came by. SO good to see him. He’s not really part of RAA any longer and seems much more at ease. Jose, the super for the rangers came by as well. Mostly to see P., but got into great conversation, esp. r/t Tilden beach and the recent mass influx of people. Seems NPS isn’t too happy about it either. We’re hoping that the parking tkts they get will discourage a lot fm coming back. May it be so.
For the longest while, Penelope and I talked. I always enjoy that. From what she said today, I’m thinking she’s about 77… my Mum’s age, had she lived. (I’ve met some people in recent times, with whom Mama would have had quite the blast. This is a muserably unfair world.) – I’m suddenly so tired. Gee! I wonder why. A quick shut-eye. TBC(continued…)
(PostTime: 20.31) Yes, Barbara Taylor, Ev, Penelope… Mama would have enjoyed their company so much.
Well, the crew in T7 left about 18h, P. and I just checked after them. The place was immaculate so we left. I came in, made patties of the beef, cooked 2 for tonight, put 6 up (dinner for 3 nights), had breakfast cereal for dessert.
Happy Gay Pride.
Another no-swim day.
(PostTime: 20.44) When I came in from my running this morning, a note, on the door-frame, top of stairs: A meeting in the porch at 13h. All tenants required to attend.
It wasn’t there when I left at 8! And when I headed out for Tilden, Ms. D. was on the floor, saw me, said nothing. When I came in fm Tilden, Nr4 greeted me in the hall, Phil on the porch. Nothing said. I’ll trust Ms.D. didn’t disparage me in her meeting. If so, there’ll be an official “Cease and Desist” issued. Imagine posting such a notice 5 hours before AND all tenants being REQUIRED to attend. Well, if it had anything to do eith the shit in the bath-rooms (litteral, figurative, before and after the re-decorate) it had nothing to do with me. I’m mostly not here, and when I am, I’m almost silent. Let her go suck her arse.
(PostTime: 20.57) Now, the talks w/Penelope: She’s so open with me. Says we discuss parts of her life that only I know. Me? I discuss mine openly with her (to a point). We’re very alike in many ways; we believe similarly about many things in life (although not her Marxism) which we don’t discuss, nor her identification w/the Blacks), today I realised that, like me, her “flirtatious” years were taken fm her. We’re both some-what living those yrs late. She’s suffered a debilitating loss of everything precious to her and so have I. We bond as peers on many points and levels. It’s marvelous to be a friend to and with her. She’s a very precious Gift to me from a Life that’s other-wise little more than a burden. On some level, I think I’m filling a space of her sons; similar in age, Gay, un-caring what the world might do/say/think, generally good, considerate. But, I just can’t say in words, how I enjoy her and her company. A True Gift.

28.Jun:
(PostTime: 7.41) Slept through, with momentary gut cramp once during the night. Butt7 decided to have chat-time at 22h last night. But not a yelling spree. Phil was parked at the door on the porch most of the night, watching TV. No mention of their pow-wow yesterday. – My tummy’s a touch off this morn. M’thinx it’s the jerk season. Keeps “things moving”.
This morning I return the key to the RockPark PO. I go Tilden now. It would have been fun to be 413. But I keep thinking of the 33 nr. Mum’s birth. The double-digits. Could there be something to them? Or am I just being silly? Einstein believed everything in Creation is mathematics. We just don’t know. That’s the thing. And I keep thinking we’re just Evolutionary Happenstance, too similar to every other life form. We’re certainly not evolutionarily perfect, nor better than any other life. (Especially in terms of elimination, and violence.) The oil filling the Gulf will be whipped and churned by a tropical storm now. That oil was deep under the earth, where it belonged, un-disturbed. Now, thanks to “human-kind”, it kills animal and plant. Humans kill yet again. We’re so evolutionarily “superior”. And we call insects “killer” (bees, i.e.). And our reproductive systems; poles’n’holes. I thought of that yesterday whilst waiting for the Q23. The “Pleasure Principle”. Still so base. Humans have the capacity to ponder the sex-drive, study it. We have it generally, even when it serves no reproductive purpose. Other life forms have it only when it’s necessary to procreate, continue the species. Plants don’t even require physical contact. Some sea life neither. There’s no “love” involved there. No “marriage”. No “swooning”. It just happens.
Oh, I don’t know why I bother to ponder. Yesterday, the “Gay Pride” thing puts me into that mind-set. The cutsie couples who boldly remind others that they have no cutsie-other. They remind me that they’re clueless, believing they’ll be blissfully bonded through eternity. That they’ve found “The One” forever. Yet, the majority are transient.
(PostTime: 7.52) There will be other, newer attractions. And those will be succumbed-to (sp?), leading to separation of the current and a different coupling. But, in time, there will be the “last”, the “final” separation that will not be followed by a new coupling. And somebody becomes that balloon that floats away from the bundle, drifts off into the sky, out of sight, into he “heavens” as it were. At some point, the gas inside, the helium, the “soul”? escapes, disperses into the vastness, haOlam, and the outer bit, mylar, latex, what-ever, drops to the Earth and, over time, disintegrates… dis-integrates back into its molecular components again.
So what? We’re all some sort of mylar balloon? Yeah. Pretty much. There. The secret truth of life.
(I have to go potty again.)
(PostTime: 10.09) THE SHELF AND CLOTHES ROD OVER THE BED IS COMING OFF THE WALL! IF I HADN’T NOTICED THIS MORNING JUST AS I WAS LEAVING IT COULD HAVE COME DOWN ON MY FACE AS I LAID IN BED! MORE EXPENSES IN THIS SHIT-HOLE! PHOTOS AND RECEIPTS. NOW EVERYTHING IS PILED ON THE BED FOR WHEN I GET BACK TONIGHT!
(PostTime: 22.21) At 9.32 I queued for the wicket at 94PO. By 9.34 I told the man I’m closing 704. He did a few taps on the touch-screen, a receipt printed, he gave it to me with a dollar. DONE! No more 94. A new chapter begins. – Went back to the house to get the 1199 crap, out the door by 10.00 and am just passing 157Av. at 10.17. – How quickly I closed that part of my life! – It’s a MISERABLY HOT AND HUMID day. My stomach is sour, my eyes burn, I’m quite soaked mit schwitz. And off we go for a drive with Moe… and Ev.
(PostTime: 24.21) A truly delightful day! in spite of 37* heat. Got to M&E by 10.35. Rang 1199, left msg: late rcvng their notice, SECOND time they lost my registration, they’re taking due, courtesy of response would be appreciated. (No resp today.) – We left at 11.45, took Bklyn Br. arr’d 12.50. I got parking at 23/1st. The MD was at 21/1st! 2hr parking at 5$. Ev pd. me cash. – After MD, had to drive all round to get to Jewish Museum on W16/5th. Passed the Shelter. My fear of that place is so gone. But the entrance was empty in the heat. – Parked in a garage across fm the museum. The museum visit was wonderful. Inspired me to do more illuminations and I learned that ketubbot aren’t really difficult. If I had the space, I’d invest and do some. A goal. – We left and took Queens Br. back. Stopped at Nick’s Bistro on Metro Av. I had pastitcio (15$!). VERY filling. Good. But not for the price! – Left M&E at 22.57. PACKED Q53! I rang to let them know I was on the bus. Ev said that I’ve given them a quality of life they never expected to have. (She should only know how mutual it is.) – I’ll be back on Thurs. – Have to work on the 15th now. 4 days in CT. I won’t expect 100$/day. But it will have to be fair… to all. 4 days at the lake? Something to ponder. – I’ll HAVE to change the door-knob/lock here (in addition to fixing the shelf/rod). I don’t trust the rent-whore. Even now I suspect she comes in. But… – Tomorrow, Home Depot for shelf repairs. And Penelope. Amd the beach. – No word fm Marry Tretter r/t the shells. I’m annoyed. I need rent and phone and carfare! She’s pretty much lost my kindness at this point. – 31,5* in here now. I’m finishing my drink. Lights out. Early day tomorrow d/t the shelf. Corner brackets and glue I think. – Tonight the books are on the floor, clothes on the chair. I simply can’t care.

29.Jun:
(PostTime: 9.00) DREAM: Sitting with Bro.John, talking about my mistreatment of him. He was upset, hurt. Said I never appreciated him. This hurt me so I calmly opened his pants (he was reclined in a chair) and blew him. He didn’t stop me. Enjoyed it. I was thinking: perfect size, I took it all comfortably. As I was blowing him… SNAPPED TO: Cyndi (Janice Fld. The person was Janice, but with both identities.) She was supposed to bring me somewhere but, at the last second, told me she couldn’t and dropped me at the subway station (Mosholu, but the Nr.1 train) and left me stranded. Cloudy. About to rain. I got uo to the tracks by climbing up the beams. – On the El. I had some kind of rig where I could glide down the side of the cars while the train was running along the tracks. Some kind of thin metal tubes attached to a harness. It needed repairs. – I managed to get into the last (or first, ambiguous) car. Empty except 2 people. They admired my apparatus then said the were going to report me. I hooked to the out-side of the car, rode to the end of the line (B116). – Was under the El (Hammels Wye). Raining. Working with some tools. Greasy. It was rauning. 2 police cars came. I wrapped the tools in paper towels, stuffed them into a space bet.2 mattresses hoping they wouldn’t be found. – Busted by 2 hokey cops. The older, heavier one interrogated me in a room whilst the other, younger thinner went through my back-pack. He took my Xacto. I told them it was for sharpening my pencils. They showed me a chart. Diff. blades. Said mine was too large. I calc’ed the rest of the contents in the back-pack. “Is it worth it?” said the older cop. I gave the Xacto. We talked about where I could get another for 89cents. – Note: train car, my shirt, dominant colour; red. General colour; grey.

(PostTime: 9.13) Slept after alarms. Was journalling dream. Penelope rang. No Tilden today. She’s not feeling well. I’m off to Home Depot to fix the shelf. I’m disappointed about not seeing her, doing some art at Tilden. But this forces me to take care of business. If I pace and time, maybe MMLib tonigjt and more 8539266. There’s so much I need to do but just don’t have much interest. Well. This is a “Gift” day. (I wonder what the dream was for. The Xacto bit was the museum yesterday. I’d left the back-pack in the car because I knew there’d be security, and so there was. Could that be all there was to it? As for the other parts? The 1st part is recurring. An unconscious issue w/John. The abandonment bit? JaniceCyndi; obvious. The subway? Who knows? Red? Grey? Things to work with to occupy my mind during the day.) – June is almost done. Half the year gone. 3-day holiday wk-end coming. It’s roaring by so quickly. I need to think: better housing, better income. – Get my shit together and on the rails and roads. Thankfully I’ve got MCard mobility!
(PostTime: 21.22) WELL! I snoozed for what I thought an hour, was TWO! Out of bed at 11, into the shower, out the door to the bus by about NOON! Home Depot. Today they had the L-brackets I needed and the screws. I actually didn’t buy the 2×4, but studs are about 2$ (don’t I wish!) and 2 cuts, free! In case I need to re-inforce the shelf. Well, I spent 3 hours wandering HD. (I’m going to have to replace the whole lampe I broke at Moe’s.) Then to Michael’s where I spent 5$ on a metalic gold pen. I MUST GET TO ART WORK! – FOUR HOURS in the 2 stores. But they are a.c.ed. It wad 30* – Came in and got right to the shelf. If that thing comes down now, the wall is coming with! So I cleaned the wall, washed the scarf, packed some of what hung into plastic bags and put that on the upper shelf. All done. – Cooked 2 burgers for dinner. – Rang Penelope. She’s still nursing her sore throat. – Rang Mary. Left msg. about her shells. If I don’t hear fm her, it’s done. I put work into those things. If I find somebody who wants to buy them, they’re sold. – Moe doesn’t have an appointment Thurs. but they want me to come at 13h anyway. – And now, I’ve taken 2 aspirin for heat. I had 2 bad bouts of heat cramps today. (Am considering a light drink too. I’m tired but not enough to sleep. And I want to sleep now.) – KHRNY is clear this evening! I’m so thankful. – It was relatively quiet all evening. NOW, at sleep-time, they’re starting. And nr7 is yammering, yelling and slamming. Well? 311. No bull-shit tonight. And I don’t care. I had to fix the shelf. I put money into this place. I’ll not put up with inconsideration.

30.Jun:
(PostTime: 0.39) 2 aspirin, lite vodka, STIM, and still awake. KHRNY on air. Quiet. Finally down to 28*. Lights are out. In the morning, I believe I’ll get my nap on the beach. Then hit the day. – Zuri’s yartzeit. Imagine? – June is finished. A new month already. But July is Concerts in Bklyn. Nothing but Aretha looks tempting. But calendars aren’t dine yet. – I really need to get a nap. It’s cool enough now. And tomorrow (today) I have to hunt discount cigarettes! Alas!
(PostTime: 7.32) It’s 18 degrees out-side! It’s 24 in-side! I woke, under the blankets. I’m wearing a t-shirt! It’s supposed to be in the lower 20’s for the next few days! (I slept after this morning’s alarm. But if it’s this “cool” now, there was no going to the beach 2 hours ago anyway.) How great is this? (But I just want to go back to sleep now.) Who’d’ve thought 24 could feel so chilly? But it’s lovely! – Mary T. left a message last night. She’ll call today, make plans to get together, meet somewhere to get the shells. We’ll see. – Dreamless sleep last night and KHRNY on clear this morning. – What to do with this day… Sun would be very nice.
(PostTime: 23.43) In time, we learn.
In time, others learn.
23.25 Q53 97a/Wdhvn
Fm 12.30-14.30 I got beach (no swim) at B113. Nice breezes. Good temperature. – Back at Bedlam, shower, out for cigs. Tomorrow the NEW taxes hit! Bastards! Can’t stop drugs, feed the country, enforce laws. But they TAX peaceful smokers. May they rot in eternal life. – So, all day I’ve had 3 bowls of cornflakes. Never took time to eat. – At 18h headed out to MMLib. Bumped into Barbara on The Blvd. Denise told HER that I didn’t pay June’s rent! (So I rang Jim Miller and told Him that I don’t appreciate Denise’s games and if she doesn’t want good people in the house, please let me know. – Let Denise eat a little of her own shit now.) So B. invited me up over the wk-end. – Fm the Shuttle, rang Penelope. We chatted. She mentioned Shirl’s very delayed responses to comments, &c. I’d noticed but never mentioned. Anyway, she might not be at Tilden in Fri. so I’ll look fwd to Sat/Sun. – WOULD YOU BELIEVE? ALL the way to MMLib and I FORGOT THE 8539266 JOURNAL! But I browsed books on illuminated pages, hit ALL my e-mails, put in July’s “Metro” page. – *Colbert sent me an e-mail last month, hoping I’ve found my “safe harbor”. What fux those shits TRULY are! ROT!* – Chatted w/security and left 22.20. Flushing to bus. 2 bags chips. – 23.42 THE ROCK!