1.May:
(PostTime: 16.58) SCUM (Lorraine) IS THUMPING ON MY WALL ALREADY! It makes NO effort/attempt at being quiet. OR it makes EVERY effort/attempt at banging shit.
That out of my gut…
THREE HOURS on the beach! The tan begins. 12.15-15.15. It was beautiful… until about 14.30 when the clatter of invading Ricans began. En masse they swarm in, screaming, yelling, Spanish. Their spore scattering every which way, boundless, kicking sand, running to with-in cm. of people lying peacefully. ARIZONA! Maybe that’s where I should go. GO? WHY should I be the one to go? I’m leaving Bedlam. That should be enough. But truth is, with the rule of brain-dead Liberals, trash is every-where. No escape… save Death. There are moments when I don’t look forward to August. Moments… only moments. But as times grow increasingly rotten and miserable, parasites abound, August is Peace.
And so… I’ve changed the screen protector on the phone. It makes a great difference, visually.
Showered. It feels nice, being sunned and washed. And now, at 17h, the evening approaches with nothing urgent on the agenda.
If only there could be Peace! August. (2010 came suddenly; didn’t it though?)
(PostTime: 21.24) Sometimes, in life, you get just what you deserve: When Helene was stomping on my ceiling, nobody was there to support me. Now they have Nr.7 wailing his blues, at the top of his lungs, out of tune (the Stylistics would kill him if they could hear). Doors opened and closed in the hall. Me? I sketched, NPR, until now (KHRNY). He’s very lonely. Lets loose. But, even now, the volume’s down. Too bad he’s really not a type. We could keep this house going!
And so, Shabbat over. Dinner done. Coffee made. I’m turned rather red fm a day at the beach. Rain forecast for the night. Tomorrow? Probably Tilden. Monday? A DRIVE into The City. I’m looking forward… and not. It’s been many years. And it’s 23rd and 1st… Shelter territory. I miss the guys.
Tonight? It’s tonight. 27* (degrees) in here. Hot. And nothing to do about night, heat, anything. This night too shall pass.
Underwear drying on the rack. Radio playing through the static. Hebrew. Silence fm Nr.5: she got a few thumps, bangs, crashes and such round about 17h as I did dishes. She’ll be getting a hell of a lot more in future.
Time to diddle the Net a while, then try for some sleep.
Another havdalah missed. Another Shabbat done. Another night upon us. This too shall pass… so too shall I.
My hate still burns like a Hell: my music is gone, my lap-top is gone, my photos are gone, my art is gone. I take this ugly hatred into the Eternity. It will become the Energy of Creation, the sunlthat shines on them, the air they breathe.

2.May:
(PostTime: 20.29) 1st: I can’t believe I put yesterday’s entry into April. Will have to watch that when it all goes into one page.
2nd: Post nasal drip! Woke me from sleep. Won’t stop. Keeps me coughing and my throat is sore. S/B a tough night to sleep tonight and I have to drive into The City tomorrow!
3rd: Penelope told me that Shirl has CA-lung! SHIT!
Now to the chronological entries…
(PostTime: 20.51) Apparently somebody bitched about Nr.7’s loudness last night (even though it stopped round 21h): THREE notices taped to door at stairs, door to porch, hall. The usual Denise Drivel of “quiet or pack”. I added my comment about “banging shit on the wall at 10:00, 11:00, midnight and 1:00 in the morning” adding “How about that?”
Then, off to Tilden where it was Penelope and I all day. I got there at 11.45. That’s when she told me about Shirl.
WTF? She just finished Maggie! She’s just waiting for somebody to do the clothes! She worked so hard, was/is so pleased! There sits Maggie, under white, plastic table-cloths (similar to the shrouds in hospitals). More of Life’s injustices.
While at Tilden, Barbara T. rang. Could I give her a WEEK (tentatively October… how ridiculous is THAT?)? Of course I said I would. (August, September, October?) She said Bob’s gone VERY quiet lately. She’s been thinking about calling me but thougjt I was booked. I told her I’m flexible and she should call when she needs! We talked for quite a while. No definite date set. She’ll call again and let me know.
Now, Shirl keeps telling me that I mean a lot to Penelope and indeed, Penelope gas been making a point of telling me how good it is to see me back. (Does she miss Tommy?)
So, I leave Tilden and walk the beach back. Breezy. A little chilly. I break a sweat! I don’t usually do that. And got very weak by B140th. Don’t usually do that either.
Back in the house, somebody wrote “How About What?” on my note and taped it to my door! So, in red ink I blocked the pertinent details, arrow drawn to “THAT! INCONSIDERATE AND DISRESPECTFUL. CLEAR?” It got re-taped to Lorraine’s door-frame. When I looked, about an hour ago, it was gone. But I believe I heard Lorraine’s screechinf down in the back earlier. The “new” battle begins?
(PostTime: 21.05) Phil tells he wants a 2-bedrm in the back. They’re asking 1100$. He offered 1000$. He says he can’t take the noise in here. I told him, agiain, I don’t mind Nr.7 BUT Lorraine’s become a fking idiot! I KNOW that got around. I intended it.
Now? A little TV fm 7. I could use a brief shower but will pass. Took the LAST antihistemene! Had a small vodka-lime before. Will slow the fan and hope for sleep.
I NEED TO BE BRILLIANT TOMORROW: Moe and Ev and a drive into The City.
(Bloomberg just got mentioned on KHRNY. Hmmm.)
OK. Enough for this. Tonight S/B interesting.
Oh, took photos of the notices. I CAN’T REMEMBER HOW TO CODE THE LINK IN! When I remember, will add them… here or on the 112-22 and link fm here. In any event, they’re recorded… away fm Bedlam.
(PostTime: 21.07) I haven’t calc’ed the accounts. But I need food, carfare, cigs, antihistemenes. No rush/panic on the rent. Let’s go to court. I’m not busy.

3.May:
(PostTime: 7.55) I feel like last week’s manure, 3 weeks from next Thursday. The one antihistemene semi-helped: I half-slept through half the night, and now one sinus (the left one) is draining copious amounts of clear/white. Probable touch of bronchitis with. Don’t know about the night in Georgia, but it’s a rainy morning in Rockaway. No sun-glare for the drive into The City this morning. Hopefully no traffic either. – Have tried several times to code/post the images if the noise notes. My coding won’t work! And it burns me! I USED TO BE a Wiz at this! May those who took and those who have my past rot, as painfully as I, even as I journal. I’ve no compassion for ANY of them. – No notes at/on my door. I’m expecting something along the lines of “Unhappy here? Leave.” – Rent’s not “due” until Wednesday. I MUST pay the phone TODAY. Priorities. ME FIRST! – And my sinuses fill. My throat is sore from coughing. My lungs are scratchy. The sky’s gone dark… Boker… tov?
(PostTime: 20.06) 19.40 and I am ready to call this day “buhbye”. Dripping nose, watery eyes all day. HEAT! HOT! And The City! Woah!
I did NOT want to get out of bed THIS morning. Slept thru the alarm. Took a nap. Made it to M&E at 11h. Paid the phone on exact balance due. I can monitor the charge now. And, in 2 accts I have the rent. OK.
We made exquisite time to The City: LIE.BQE.BklynBr. Zipped right to destinations. M&E impressed that I knew exactly how to navigate.
Moe got his Rollator at Halpern’s. The woman I usually talklwith addressed me by name. They had the model Moe wanted. It was bought and returned so they knocked off 20$. He got it for 130$! Saved 50$! But… as we were leaving, he gave them trouble to get the tags fm another Rollator! I convinced him that I’d get his info off the Net. I mean, you save 50$ and you want PAPERS that you can print at home? I kept my temper at bay, however.
It took 10 minutes just to walk fm 24/2nd. When it came time to put more on the parking, I put it on my MCU card. 2,50$ Ev gave me the cash right away.
And so, back to Queens via 59th StBr. We went to Ben’s. Pastrami on rye, Celray! DEE-lish! And, with no wisdom tooth shaking in my mouth, I enjoyed it so. (But the 50 saved? Light lunch for 3!)
At the residence, I got warranty and owner’s manual off line, printed, 10 mins. We chatted and I left them… happy with the day. (ME TOO! No accidents, traffic, or rain!)
Saw Nr.7 and spoke about Sat. night. Pretty much told him to tell the rest to screw themselves. He went humble: I only had to say I’m sorry. WTF? Like he’s the 1st and only noise-maker? He should know. It took months of shit to stop Helene. Lorraine’s STILL at her crap. And HE has to apologise? HELL! But, if he wants to… none of my business.
My head is draining. No antihistemenes here. If it’s bad in the morning: 99cent store!
No work til Thursday. Library nights coming!
Now? I’m going to TRY to sleep this sinus thing away. 28* in here. Fan on full. HEAT! NO!

4.May:
(PostTime: 10.15) Awake at 1h this morning. Sinuses. Dripping, sneezing. Put on the light, laid on my back, returned to sleep. When the alarm went off, cut it, returned to sleep. Woke at 8. The morning is screwed. So…
Repaired 2 zips on the back-pack. An accomplishment.
Congestion/dripping much better now. A bit in the chest mostly. Feeling a touch better.
But it’s miserably hot in here: 28!
DREAM: Walking, alone, Brighton Bch Av. No destination. No purpose. Aimless. Looked west (direction: Coney). Watched a down-pour of rain coming. “Oh shit! That can’t be what it looks like.” Suddenly, rain! No place to go, no umbrella, alone in the rain. – I woke.
Considering just paying the rent. There’s only carfare needed this week. I can swing both. But I still can’t accept my going with-out cash to rush into rent when all I get is aggrevation (Lorraine did stop her thumping at 21h last night) and no consideration.
Planning in a quick nap and Tilden. No antihistemenes today; no trip to Midwood. Maybe the MMLib later this evening. I’m just a touch fatigued right now. Probably more mental than physical. Just run down mentally, spiritually.
(PostTime: 23.42) 23.23 Q53 Roosevelt/73rd. to The Rock fm the MMLib. Good decision. The next stop: 74th. I got on at 61st and NOW the bus is filling. I have a seat! – OK. So…
After lounging about this morning, took off for The Fort. No Shirl. Penelope said she just didn’t feel up to it. So we passed the hours together, talking. It really was fun. Just her and I. We talked Gay life, RAA, art. She keeps raving about my talents, gives me encouragement to get back (in spite of my own plans, which she doesn’t know of). I’m thinking I really should… in spite. We’ll see.
At 16h I was thinking of going to 99cent store but there was an obvious STORM over Bklyn. I took the bus back to the house. Waited the longest while, only a drizzle caught me.
At the house, threw Gyoza on, ate, napped an hour. Up, dishes, small coffee, out by 19h.
Met Sean (fm Baxter’s) at 116. ROCKAWAY PARK HOTEL IS SOLD! TO BECOME HALF-WAY HOUSE! THEY SCREWED THEMSELVES OUT OF BUSINESS! JUST WAITING FOR THE RESIDENTS TOLGET OUT! Seems Sean’s been part of Rock Park some 20yrs. Told me (stories?) of how many times people tried ti improve the area but BH/Neponsit want to keep it a “sleepy beach town” and so, have screwed themselves. BUT, ROCK PARK HOTEL GONE? SERVES THEM RIGHT! Now their thieving staff will know hard-ships.
(PostTime: 23.59) 23.42 Met.Av. PACKED! PACKED! – Cont.: Took the train to The City. On the Shuttle platform, woman w/accent (N.European) asked directions to Bwy.Jct. She just started working at a florist in RockPk. Not happy w/the commute. We chatted about Rockaway, took A/L. She left at Morgan.
MMLib at 21h. PC at 21.20. I got the 112-22 “notices” on this and the 112-22 journal. Moved the “metro.april” to 04.10 pg., gleaned e-mails, closed the session about 22.35. Chatted w/Security. Strolled to GCT.
It was a nice night in Thr City: calm, quiet, GCT empty. Thought how Mama would have loved it. I DO miss her.
The Flushing-line platform was crowded! But I got a seat. Train came along quickly too. Decided to try the bus at 61st tonight. Nice weather. No pressure. Glad I did.
23.55 just getting into HB. Journalled all the way.
Nothing much to eat at the house. Still undecided about paying rent this month. But am I EVER in the mind for battle! (This morning, as I prepped for my shower, somebody tried to get into the bsthroom! Took the other, then mine. Suspicious.)

5.May:
(PostTime: 0.39) 00.17 in the door. As I unlocked my door, Pete (Nr.3) was leaving, dressed in black T and jeans. I wonder. – You can hear the surf fm the Blvd. tonight. – 26* in here. Chilly out-side. Quiet. – Had a schluk of sweet pickle vinegar I’ve been saving for what-ever reason. But it always works to squash a hunger. Now? Sm. vodka-tonic simply because I can. Read Webster’s II Desk Quotations (fm Shirl…) and hope for a nap (and not more), an early morning for vitamin C, cigs, carfare, food, beach/sun. – I’m not tired! Same thing happened last time I went to the library at night. – Still have the throat tickle, some sneezing, but the worst seems to have passed… hope.
(PostTime: 10.23) SINUSES! COUGH! Not ill. But it won’t stop! Nose-blowing, coughing. Chest congestion. ENOUGH! – Have decided: pay rent on Friday with pay then. Let her (Denise) say something! COURT! – Working on catch-up DHS Journalling. WOW! The Journals directly reflect my life: Scattered. Holes. Missing info. Quite interesting. – Meanwhile, I’m tired. Trying to decide what to do with the day. Sunny. Clear. Hot. FR Lib? Wallgreens for vit.C? Cigs? No beach; still itchy fm last. Nap? Brighton Beach? I dunno. – 30min nap. Then decide.
(PostTime: 18.04) Out at noon. 3 busses. Jackie’s! Brighton! At 1st I feel like a tourist. But once off the bus, I’m right where I should be, reading signs and lost in BrightonRussian. It will always be where I find some kind of Peace. – 3 white T’s, 1 teal, black carpenters (a bit too short but…) and coffee for Ev (at 9$). Next? A walk on the boards back to CIA Walgreen’s. – Brighton’s getting a new boardwalk; MORE SAND! It’s more brown than Rockaway’s sand. The beach is SO SMALL/narrow. Rockaway, that place I used to look at and wonder, so close across the inlet. Ah, for a ferry. Funny how it’s Queens, across the water. I sat a moment, looking at it, thinking: I live just over ‘there’. – Walgreen’s vit.C, 2 cigs., to Av.Z.
(PostTime: 19.33) It was going to be another night at MMLib. But, nope. The nap didn’t inspire, the 5-franks dinner didn’t revive. I’m done. Work tomorrow. – 99cent: antihistemenes, cough suppresant, juice, 2pks turkey franks, cookie/soda nosh, Adidas shampoo (I splurged), lemon drops (cough, I hope). 10$. Stupid me. – 3 busses and a 7-day MetroCard. I can continue working. I’m short on the rent. I can’t care. And as I journal, Nr.7 is watching TV and a few things crash. So? I should care about being late with rent? Ani choshev shelo.
As I left this after-noon there was some “cleaning” going on up-stairs: 14-15 or the attic. Xmas tree, school desk at the top of the stairs. Two plastic bags: on the landing, by the door. STENCH OF SOMETHING ROTTEN permeated the hall! SICKENING! To think THAT was in the house! Time to call the Dept. of Health.
For now? Dishes done. Coffee done. I’m not exhausted but TIRED and looking forward to 21h and an early turn-in (let’s see how 5&7 see it tonight).
A day.
(PostTime: 19.42) Eddie Gonzales: Holiday Inn, Fishkill. Wow! One night. One time. Still remembered.
(PostTime: 19.46) Walter: in the car at G’s. I didn’t know you’#8217;re Black! The next day, somebody who saw us said to me: I didn’t know you’re into Black men. (Imagine my confusion.) But you were sweet and kind and only once (or twice?).
(PostTime: 19.50) Jeff Karliner: When you came to the house (61 Coach Ln) the day after I’d burned my face with that sun-lampe, you sat with me in compassion. YOU were the turning point for my Mum’s understanding. She was moved by the fact that I looked horrible, but you stayed, sitting with me, compassionately. THAT was the moment she learned that we’re not shallow people. – Thank you Jeff. Having the VW smashed while you and I slept was worth it.
(PostTime: 19.54) BLT: JIM!!! Bolton Landing. Short. Uneventful. But you, so calm, settled. You were probably married. We’ll never know. But we ALL REALLY LIKED YOU… the Albany/college crew.
(PostTime: 20.03) Charlie Wopp J: You have NO clue what you’ve become to me! Your family name being my 3-lettre nick name for starts. That eve at Tilden (I still get excited in that room). YOU, brawn, “issues”, the pkg. ME? What did you expect? It doesn’t matter. – Gun or no. I still think the world was too much. You’re sbsolutley right; it is. Someday, somewhere, somehow we’ll get it together… again. I miss you Charlie (DHS).
(PostTime: 20.11) WOW! Just added to the “Quilt”. The old memory sparked and the things that illuminated!
Too bad the guy on the Q35 coming back this evening wasn’t interested enough. Still, it gives me the time to recall… good and ‘not-so-good”. I can smile.
(PostTime: 21.48) At 20.30 took 2 Nyquil tabs. Am not groggy. Am not dry. Am to try for sleep now. Am hoping to zonk until 5h. But, am itchy. Need lotion. G’nite.

6.May:
(PostTime: 22.13) Interesting ending to a fairly good day.
Start: GROGGY! Just didn’t want to wake. Wasn’t thinking clearly. Kept dozing. But managed to make work at 11.10. Moe showered. He and I drove to his haircut. Then he took me to Eddie’s Ice Cream Parlour on Metropolitan Av for a sundae. He had hot fudge (5,50), I had choc.syrup on mine (4,50). No cheap date. It’s no wonder kids don’t go to ice cream parlours! After ice cream, Moe got flowers foe Ev/Mothers’ Day. Then home. Ev came in fm mkt. We talked. She pd me 13 hours so rent is in the banque.
Waited for a bus back for the longest while. Left work at 18h got to 116 at 20h! Stopped at Waldbaum’s for chips, milk, ice cream, chicken. THEN the “interesting”…
Coming along RBB, Denise was walking toward 116. I stopped to say “You’ve been on my mind so much” (because rent is late) but she kept walking, glared back at me and mumbled “Oh yeah?” and kept walking. – I was angry and annoyed. I don’t care any longer. So I might just do me a favour, save the rent, get out of here. I expect trouble. I’ll tolerate none. (More documented on 11222rbb11694.)
Franks/chips dinner Dishes done. Coffee made. Will decide on rent tomoorow. Hoping yo get some sun in the morning, Penelope/Tilden later.
Hoping for sleep ALL NIGHT tonight.
PS: MetroPCS did some remote “maintenance” on the phone today. I’ve NO idea what they did but if they get my images files, it should make for interesting.

7.May:
(PostTime: 7.42) Planned: laundry to wash/pack Winter jkt, P.O. rent, beach, Tilden.
More like:P.O.rent, Tilden.
Cool morning. 14 going to 21*.
Alarm at 5.30. Awake at 6.38.
Tomorrow showers/sleep-in. – Monday, Tuesday off. Tuesday evening, court.
Not good for income. Not much to fall back on. At least there’s something though.
Will just do m.o.rent, leave in box, no note. Will probably have trouble. Will then mail to Great Neck.
Now? 30 mins nap, finish coffee, shower, P.O.rent, Tilden. We shall see. But slept w/o meds last night. Clearer this morning.
(PostTime: 21.46) Went to the PO. MO rent. Mailed it to Ortega. I want no contact with her at all. I expect her to try some bullshit. But that’s her problem. – Recd. another request for 17k$. Student losn, I think. It goes with the 52k fm PHC and the 7k fm the fed. – And so, I got on the 35bus to Tilden.
A perfectly clear day, breezy, too chilly for beach. Hung at T6 w/Penelope. Talked. Sang. Laughed. Talked with Geoff, and Janet. We discussed the fate of RockPkHotel. None can see why this isn’t a beautiful destination and place to live. Seems Rockaway actually WANTS to keep the place down. NOT unlike Newburgh. Imagine that: another Newburgh. So, as Sean said; they get whst they ask for. (I checked this week’s Wave. Places for 900$. Bedlam not listed. I need cash! Time to go to my art-work! I do NOT want to be HERE st the end!)
Left Tilden at about 16h, walked the beach to 149th for the bus (35). On the walk, thought:
Once again, something that gives me pleasure (living here, Rockaway) is threatened to be ripped away from me. NOTHING is stable; nothing ever has been. EVERYTHING I enjoy gets ripped away from me; usually just when I’m enjoying it. So, when I ponder the possibility of extending my “time”, postponing my “plan”, doing so makes no sense. I’ll only “live to regret it”. I’m SO tired of regretting. I shouldn’t even be here now. It’s just stupidity.
Back in by 17h. Franks. Chips. Ice cream. Made coffee. Dozed. No KHRNY for days now.
Checked the MCU a/c: OVER-DRAWN! Had to resort to transfer fm svgs to cover it! A 19,66 debit not entered! My stupidity!
Tomorrow? P. will be back at Tilden. Me too. If rain, a hat over kippa. Other-wise, I’d lay here… in misery.
Have taken cough suppresant. The cough is here. Chest congestion! Hoping it stops the tickle and cough; puts me OUT for the night.
5&7 are behaving… so far. Time to rush to sleep. (The tickle in the throat still here. More syrup… sleep.)

8.May:
(PostTime: 11.12) Turned the alarm off. Half-slept until 9.30. Woke from dreams, talking/whispering aloud. I’ve been doing that lately.
Should be en route to Tilden by now. Just no energy. Mulling the rent. Anticipating confrontation. Wow, do I NEED to get out of here (and get more reliable income) for peace.
DREAMS:
2 un-related. Can’t recall 1st. Woke out of: Working in a deserted hospital. Terminal pts. Dark. Quite damaged. But functioning. At odds w/staff (you think you’re better than us – Wingdale? Possibly. Very similar.) My pt. was “Moe” but tall, stocky, proned to violent out-bursts. LARGE, pale lime-green eyes, tiny pupils. Friendly toward me. I was working on his discharge. The place was filthy! He was agitated. At end of dream, red slime on floor. Phys.Tpst. comes in, disregards floor, sits on floor, encourages pt. to sit too. I try to clean it. One rag. Not enough to clean flr. I take Moe across hall to empty rm to assure him I’m getting his discharge. He’s aggitated. Eyes pronounced. He’s fine with me but angry with hospital staff. I wake fm dream whispering to him, “Are you sure you’re ready to go home today, beacause, if you are, I’ll get you out of here.”
So, I woke, coffee, swept a lot of dust on the flr here, a little work on current portrait of M.Fuller. Am sneezing! Will take 30min nap. Need to get out of here. Just uncomfortable here.
(PostTime: 13.07) I am dressed, ready to leave. I CAN’T! I TRULY CAN’T! Not enough energy to stand long enough to get out the door. Not enougj energy to swallow saliva so I don’t drool. Light-headed. The radio bothers me but not enough energy to turn it down/off. I WANT to get out of here. I want to sketch. I want to go to Tilden. I want to lie down and sleep. Eyes don’t want to focus. When I stand the world spins. WTF is happening? And nr7 is slamming the door, rubbing wires or something against the wall. NOISE! No peace IN HERE but no energy to GET OUT! Something is breaking down IN ME. Either I fight this or give in and crawl back under the covers. I don’t know… and it’s 13h. 3 hours at Tilden? Why bother? That’s just it: it’s ALL “why bother”?
I’m not leaving. I don’t HAVE to leave. I CAN and MAY stay in. That’s it. That’s all. Sleep.
(PostTime: 13.14) Back in my sweats, showered, on the bed, ready for back under covers. Rest. Sleep. That’s all. Something’s wrong. I don’t know what. Been trying to blame the “Ni-Calm” but it’s more than that. My entire body… Even when I focus on a thought, any thought, any one thought, I get nauseous, through my entire being. Thinking drains me. WTF?
(PostTime: 22.26) Cool, autumn-like breeze coming in through the window. Why is there a damned wall out-side? I need open space out-side my window! – Dinner, last franks, repeating. Chicken from now on. I have food. Few cigs. Little cash. Am weary, not tired. Congested. Ready for bed, just to be unaware of time. No medications tonight. No vodka. Let’s see what tomorrow is to be like. Planning early to Tilden. – M.Fuller portrait is horrible! Maybe I should stop the effort. If I had photo of a Love/er. If I had ANYTHING of my past. – I’d like to wrap my-self in music, go sit in the cold wind, on the beach. My music is GONE! FOREVER now. – P. said she avoids music that carries “those” memories. Ah.ha. Her too. That’s how we survive. She wants to survive. I do not. – Time to try for sleep… again. Hopefully, no coughing fits tonight.

9.May:
(PostTime: 7.45) 7.28 16* when I finally decided to get out of bed! WINTER makes a return! WIND! Still blowing out there. Sunny though. Good stuff. Though not so much for the trees and blooming things, nor the little creatures who came out fir the hot Spring. And the weather reports mention FREEZING tonight. WINTER has not left me… yet. – I half-slept all through the night. Fell to sleep probably round 4.30 or so. Very tired now. But can’t just sleep this off or I’ll turn myself round. So, maybe a short nap, since there’ll be no trotting to the beach before Tilden. – Tough night. Nothing helped me get to sleep. Silly thoughts, mind-wasters, delusions, none of it. I lay here in limbo all through. Depression? Or the effects of Friday/Saturday’s sleep-in? Which-ever. And no KHRNY. WQXR. I don’t know how people can listen to it. Classical is one thing, but even QXR, it seems, has scraped-up crap. – Well, we’re up to 18* in here now. And to think; it was only days ago I was upset because it was 28* in here. Ah, ’tis time to leave this world behind. Things are changing, not for the better. – Mothers’ Day. They’re ALL Mothers’ Day… in my heart. – A nap. ’tis early. ’tis chilled. ’tis marvelous.
(PostTime: 8.13) Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” on WQXR! Mothers’ Day. Mama at the piano, playing from memory. The first thing I knew on piano, by ear. Now, somebody tell me about “coincindence”.
(PostTime: 18.50) Chicken’s on the stove. Coffee water on to boil. Sun shining on the world. Wind whipping the air. No surf on the AtlAntic. And a really fun 5 hours at Tilden today. All made SO MUCH BETTER because Shirl came out today. She and I worked with Maggie (I got a chair out of T8, made a frock fm 2 black trash bags). Shirl critiqued the horrid sketch I did and showed me that it can be saved. – On a brief walk TO (not along) the beach, I asked about her CA. Adenocarcinoma. But she’s not convinced that that’s what it truly is. She has Hope. I respect that. She has more to go through, more doctors to confer with. I’m Hopeful for her. I’ll wait for more info, though she opened as soon as I inquired. – We sat out front, in the car, for a while. She has my direct phone. Open invite to call. I appreciate her friendship. I hope to be as good a friend to her. – And so, I’m exhausted, but must eat. She left, exhausted as well. I am cooking. No dessert. 2 packs of cigarettes. Tight times to come. But, better to follow because that’s how it must be. – I MUST GET THROUGH THIS NON-PRODUCING PERIOD! The folks at RAA tell me how wonderful my work is. I’ve got peer support. And all is not about infinity. WORK! That’s what Artists do. – For now? Cook. Wash dishes. Settle-in. HOPE LIKE HELL FOR A NIGHT’S PEACE! (GOT to get out of HERE!)

10.May:
(PostTime: 8.05) Tired all day. Can’t fall asleep at night. (Lena Horne dued last night. 92! Another piece if familiar past is gone.) Don’t want to wake in the morning. Always feel like I haven’t slept all night. Something’s not right about this. Today is Monday. Back to court tomorrow evening. Carfare. Work. Had to take a dump immediately after getting into bed last night. Wrong. Something’s wrong. Something.
(PostTime: 8.09) Yesterday, Shirl suggested I keep going with portraits. Do several. Do an exhibit. I decided to try all from the Algonquin Roundtabe. Let’s see how far this goes. Nothing ventured, no passing time.
(PostTime: 22.46) Q53 ElmhurstHosp. Ah, Pepino B. But earlier than expected. Only 1hr on-line at MMLib. But I got Photobkt for 8539266, and put almost another day on that Journal. Soon, photos too!
Made it to Tilden this morning. P. and I alone. She sculpted, I tried to start another portrait. She left me fm 13.30-15.30. Photos at Yuri’s. He’s doing a book on RAA artists. (Me not included. Thankfully.) So I sketched, had tea and biscuits… alone… in T6. When she returned, we walked to the beach. Film crew in the lot. They turned one small bldg. out on the Cement Rd. to a 1929 gas stn! I wonder what they’ll leave behind (the 2 palm trees?).
And so, we left. I walked up the Ranger Rd. to West, stopped at Harris W. to look and close the gate. On to Kessler. Somebody in there (painting?). I rang NPS Police to report. Probably for nothing. Then a walk down the beach for shell(sets). Just a few horseshoe crabs dying. Bus back to Bedlam.
Leftover coffee, a tin of pasta, made tomorrow’s coffee and left for library.
Q53 to QnsCtr, V to F and there I was: 20.10. PC 20.35 but only 15min extension. Still, it’s OK.
Coming across 41st St. a store tossed cigar boxes! I have 3. Why? Just because.
And now, 22.44 Metropolitan, Q53 back to Bedlam, hungry, 7$cash, BUS PACKED!!! Not tired. But… Another day gone.
(PostTime: 24.35) Just as I finished that entry, the phone rang. SHIRL! Bless her. Can’t make it to The Fort tomorrow. But we got in a few really good laughs fm JamaicaAv to BC. I’m glad. She was going to bed and ended her day laughing. Good for her. And I’m glad I could provide. She and I laugh at things most people wouldn’t understand. I’m back in the college days: great fun with intellect. SO RARE! (Mom? You’d LUV this crap!)
Almost forgot: Waiting for the 35 to Tilden this morning, a van drives by, somebody yells “Juuuud!” Thomas. How odd to think I’m known here; wave fm Geoff, holler fm Tommy, chat with Barbara, chat with Sean. Small town. But still some distance. I came here to keep distance.
Well, 3 Wheatabix. Mug of hot water. I should get to sleep. Court again tomorrow (this?) evening. Hopefully Tilden in the morning. (Somebody just came through the door at the stairs at this hour! Well, it’s other-wise quiet.) And I just got the temperature up to 20 in here. From 28 the other night to 16 when I walked in. Geez!

11.May:
(PostTime: 10.40) COLD! ALL NIGHT! COLD! Could NOT get to sleep! At 5h I put the hot-plate on. THEN, as I started to drift-off, BIRDS! It was day-break. I drifted in spite of the noise and my anger…
7h. Bang, tap-tap, taptaptap on the wall behind my head. Denise opening the thermostat for heat. 7.00! Heat. I kept trying for sleep. My head covered under the sheet. Like Rey, at Bellevue.
COLD!
Just finally woke. 10h. Waiting for the morning BM. Shower. Tilden. Look for shells. Then back here to prep for court this evening.
A call fm PIC. Work. I don’t have time for them this week. And why work for them at 7$/hr (if lucky) and not M&E at 10? Tomorrow we’re driving into UnionSq. It will be a good day. (I just need carfare after that. But I have that. Then pay on Friday. We’ll be OK. I’m financially DOWN again. But the rent is pd.)
(PostTime: 12.09) And so the day begins (Q22 to Tilden) after a stim-ulating session resilting in a release of 20yrs ago! Shower, dress, out the door.
(PostTime: 17.10) Q53 and off to Jamaica.
As I’m leaving for Tilden, Lorraine’s playing in the loo. “Excuse me Jude. Did you leave an anomymous note on my door? DON’T leave anonymous notes on my door! And you better stop making noise on my wall. I’ve gone to the authorities!”
I ignored her.
Wonderfully peaceful afternoon with Penelope. Heart-to-hearts, memories, romances… Left at 16h.
I come in to tye room and Lorraine’s back in the hall. No words spoken.
I’m dressed. Not washed. No dinner. No time.
On the Blvd., Barbara! 3 wks ago she asked after me. Denise says she never sees me. I tell B. that’s the way I want it. We discuss the house. D. said Helene was to be evicted 2 months ago! Manny/Darlene going to public hsng. All bull. As I say: I leave THEM alone, THEY need to leave me alone. I’m busy.
Right now? Just get me to the courts on time. Inquest would be lovely. I can hope.
(PostTime: 20.22) Calendar call at 18.30. Rm.202. By 19.30: Howard Beach. Next? 20 July. HD’s companion du soir said, as we left the court room, “More carfare wasted.” So? Nobody’s talking to me. And IF anybody does (Lorraine), it’s nasty. SCREW ALL Y’ALL! OK? OK!
(PostTime: 20.58) 23*. Dinner done (spaghetti, tuna, cream of mushroom). Disges done. Coffee done. Calm in here. PLEASE! SLEEP! Early morn tomorrow. M&E at 9h. Drive into The City. And I’m running on 5 disturbed hours of last night’s sleep.
Barbara says Helene’s been quiet next door to her. Says Denise threatens to evict. I’m not thinking in terms of past August. Am thinking of making Peace, talking with H. and dropping this case. I’m obviously not going to recup. Not before death anyway. I’m thinking (or, I’m fatigued).
Will try to bring the temperature up higher, then bolt for the pillow. It’s the ANXIETY of anticipated bullshit fm Lorraine later that makes me wrestless. Will work a “letter” to her on the 112-22Certainly NOT “nice”. Simply factual, informative, concise. With HER, I’m absolutely fed-up.
On that, to that lettre, relaxation, sleep.

12.May:
(PostTime: 5.31) Mildred Pierce. Joan Crawford. For HBO. That’s the movie they’re filming at Tilden.
Mesnwhile, it’s 23*. I had a time of falling asleep by 23.00 last night but I finally did. And am awake and rested this morning. The blankets were warm and cozy and I could have lingered a bit longer. But I’m good. Hotplate on, just to keep warmth in here. Something smells of “old” cooking. I hope I don’t carry that odour out to other places. But I’m rested, for a change.
(PostTime: 8.16) I don’t understand: it started very well. Even stim. The weather is delightfully chilly, overcast. But a touch of constipation and my bowels are knotted. Wha’happened? (Life. That’s wha’happened. MY “life” to be exact.)
(PostTime: 18.54) WDY: I have lived telling eveyone your evil destructiveness… the TRUTH.
Have I lived long enough yet?
(PostTime: 20.12) MB: “Marge”, I speak of you often, by the name you hated… your legacy… known by that name. MY “restitution”.
(PostTime: 20.36) MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY! On the bus this morning, I wanted to vomit! And my guts were twisting. But once behind the wheel of the car… all OK. The drive into The City went very well. Finding parking was bad, but found a place on 4th Av. at 13th. Really bad; M&E had to wait TWO hours for the Dr. so it cost 7,50$ for 3hrs. parking! – Drive back? Through the PanAm. I’ve never driven that and always wanted to! YAY! Then lunch at Forest Hills Coffee Shop: gyro/coffee, stuffed for the day. Then get them home. No incidents! They both thanked me so much for doing for them. Little do they realise how much THEY do for me. – We talked about spousal abuse/child abuse. The truths of WDY get told. The sbuses of MB as well. Perhaps this is my “gift” from Creation: they will be KNOWN as they truly were. As will sister (CYM). I will leave this world shrouded in bitterness, leaving Truths behind. Those Truths will live on. – And so, I will have a vodka tonight. The rent is paid. Chicken thawing in the fridge for tomorrow. Just enough in the banque for another weekly MetroCard (and 80,00 coming Friday, plus Friday’s), cigs to carry. I’ll ground me tomorrow, start the new MC on Friday. Tilden on the wk-end, coffee water’s on the boil, 21* and rising in here, and soon… to sleep. It is as well with the world as could be expected. I am not hungry. I am tired.

13.May:
(PostTime: 10.52) 10.30 and the alarm woke me. I was still awake at midnight last. Then had trouble going to sleep. What is keeping me from sleeping at night? I’m tired when I go to bed. Wanted to be asleep by 21.30, awake by 6 or 7 this morning. Just can’t understand this. – Country on the radio now though. Very nice, indeed. Should make a wash today. Want to get a photo of the Tilden Tree for this blog. Need to get the photos ln here. Coffee. Stomach’s a little off. Not much energy. Hmm. Well? On with this day.
(PostTime: 10.59) I’d like to get a little iPod, bring music with me again. Some country, new wave, Cajun, Hebrew, French… I’d like to have my old music back. That’s why I don’t get the iPod, don’t travel with music: If I get my old music back, I won’t have all of it, each song that I do get will remind me if what I don’t have, remind me of how it all went, remind me of everything… Like Penelope said “I avoid that at all cost. Too much…” So I burn to death with this bitterness instead if that bitterness and… nl music.
(PostTime: 14.17) Well, alrightie then. (Rey Clark D17 W101 5th fl) Dresser-top org’ed. Shiddy hair-cut/trim. Sink/dishes done, put up. Now what? (OH! This phone carrier is shit! This phone is shit!) I just got up off the bed and started. It rolled along… until now. No incentive. No ambition. No care. Should get the DUST off the walls, wash clothes/bed linens. Don’t want to.
Almost forgot to note yesterday: After talking child-hood and psych with M&E, M says “We’ve never known anybody with that kind of history.” E says “All the husbands put their wives on pedestals.” I said “As far as you know. No telling what happens when you don’t see.” Then, we all agreed that I should be psychotic, according to the texts. M hit it when he said I deal with it with humour. And E said “You’re not psychotic. I’d call it ‘eccentric’.”
THERE! REACHED MY GOAL: ECCENTRIC!
Now to get my eccentric arse together and accomplish something so I’m not completely disgusted with this day.
(PostTime: 20.03) Napped 15-16h. Not a brilliant decision. Woke. Did man/pedicure. Cooked chicken (nothing else). Washed under-things. Ate. Made coffee. Did dishes. Cleaned the grease pencil fm cigar boxes. All done. In this hole ALL day. Well? I didn’t want to travel today. Didn’t want to buy new MetroCard. And so, I haven’t.
Nbg made NPR news. Major gang raids. Typical crap. Wondering if the Free Voice voy will see activity. Names of the big ones (PH BS MG &tc.) have been posted. Here comes the attack?
Still weary, probably due to relative inactivity. No dessert. Nothing to drink but water. Here come the hard times (again). But, I’ve got plenty of “training”: early childhood deprivation, teens in the car, bed-bouncing, The Shelter. No prob.
WILL shower before trying for sleep tonight. A day with the G’s (Mr. G -imagine THAT!) tomorrow, and pay-day. Could be 100plus. OK.
Msg fm Schmulik: he’s not working Sunday. Thinking of the beach. I told him I’d meet him at Tilden. I’m certainly NOT travelling out of my way any more. He comes? BRILLIANT! NEHEDAR! He doesn’t? B’seder.

14.May:
(PostTime: 8.13) DREAM:
1. Snow. Wind. I’m standing under a portico at St. Luke’s Hosp. Nbg. Behind a window, a very tiny humming-bird is flying, at ground level, in the snow. I want to help it but there’s nothing I can do. It finds a way to the portico, up, under the roof, by a bright light fixture. I look. There’s a nest. It’s full of flowers, bell-shaped, pink, lavender. I don’t see the little birds in the nest but their movements make the flowers move.
2. I’m at a cemetery. The burial is over. I have to leave. (I don’t know who died but Mom is on my mind through this dream.) I have to park the car. It’s not my car. It’s old. Blue. Worn/torn interior. It’s raining. I park on a dreary street (Broadway Nbg.) outside the cemetery, between a truck and a new white car. I have trouble parking because the rear-view mirror is broken, dangles. The car is parked. I get out. I see my reflection in the rear-view. I’m ugly. Debbie (fm 112-22 RBB) crosses Bwy to a bodega. I have to go into that bodega for something. In there, many other people I know but am not speaking to. They’re drug-runners. I avoid them, I don’t want them to speak to me. They’re all talking loudly and laughing.
I wake. 7.28.
(PostTime: 8.26) At 21.30 last night, I showered. Couldn’t get to sleep until after midnight. Lorraine was screwing about through 23h. Not much noise, but just enough to hear. Not enough to warrant a slam on the wall. But even after she stopped, I couldn’t fall asleep! It’s the anticipation of noise, of being jolted awake; that’s what causes my insomnia! Lorraine, Denise, Phil, Nr.7.
I put the sea-sheet on the bed, then the extra un-used blue DHS fleece and the extra flannel from Booth Hosp. Very comfy. To think, I could have done that the other night when it was so cold in here that it kept me awake!
Thunder storms, some heavy today. Sun for thelwk-end. Schmulik’s e-mail: “OK will keep you posted E” No way he’ll come out here on his own. I’m certainly NOT going into Bklyn to fetch him!
Nbg. on NPR again this morn. The gang raids. Highest murder rate, per capita, in the country. The report is using “poverty” as an excuse. They should tell the history over 60 years, how many Nbghers leave and why. Try truth. Nasty cesspool.
(PostTime: 22.39) On the bus. Carfare to/fm work. And over-dressed. It’s very warm! – Tommy at the 116 stn. He’s headed to Blyn. Looking good these days. Thankfully. He”s another who knows tough times. – The Far Rock crowd is boarded. Off to “the main-land”.
(PostTime: 22.09) Hot. Humid. Horrid. But a fun day with the G’s driving about the boro. Dr., lunch (Belgian waffle, coffee), pharmacy. I think the heat got to them too. We were all quite over-dressed for the heat. And today brought 13hrs. for me.
I stopped at Key Food: half.half, jelly, burger, bread, eclairs/cake, instant coffee, chips. In by about 20h. Dinner and dishes dine by about 20.40. I ate all the beef. I was HUNGRY! 3/5 eclairs. And now it all sits in the pit of my stomach. That’s what I get for trying to finish everything before 21h so not to make noise. Oh, F me! Really! Especially since Lorraine’s mildly thumping and Nr.7 is at the TV and yelling on the phone. Why? Why do I even TRY to behave human? Because that’s how I am. Alas.
But I’m hoping to sleep tonight. I didn’t get vodka. Will take what I put up in ginger (for Barbara). No soda/juice. But, I’m on “austerity budget” these days. Rent and TRYING to get OUT of here!
Monday, a few hours (or a day) with Moe. I thought of Tilden. We’ll see what comes.
The gang raids in Nbg have dropped out of NPR media. M&E saved the NY Times for me. As I read my extremities went numb. They all treat this as “new”. Sen. Schmr said it’s “shocking”. Like it only JUST happened. And all the while, in my mind, I see what they dud to my Dennis! Years ago! “Shocking”. My piled arse! Anyway, I vent on my board. No other responses. Typical. But on the other board, business goes on to petty crap. They just can’t solve anything. I’m actually blessed, having grown up and survived in Nbg. I’m more blessed in that I escaped. It is good with my being. I am not there.
Very warm forcast fir the wk-end. I have no carfare and no need thus far. Perhaps Sunday. Perhaps not. We’ll see what Sunday brings.
Many little bumps on my stomach from the sun. CA? Oh well. Don’t care.
TV in Nr.7. Muffled thumps in Nr.5. Time for radio-low, me under covers, try to sleep before midnight tonight.

15.May:
(PostTime: 14.01) Depression Becomes Compression:
Photos went from phone to Bucket this morning. Jeans are washed. A 30 minute nap became a 3 hour sleep. The day past.
DREAM FRAG:
1st person. He sat across from me at table, looking me in the eye sternly and compassionately. In a sombre and serious voice he said “You put a lot of work into this.”
We were talking about The Bronx web-site. We were talking about the Newburgh site. We were talking about my water-colours. We were talking about ALL my art.
Inside me, a voice said “You will never know how much I put into this. NOBODY will EVER know how much work I put into this. Nobody will ever know how much of ME I put into this. I can’tltell anybody and NOBODY would want to know because it’s too much for ALL of them to to and too much for me to say. So I don’t want to talk about it and I can’t talk about it.
(I woke, lying on the bed, in a fetal position, feeling as though the very air around me was compressing me into some sort of little egg-shaped bit of mass. I got up, looked at the clock. The sun is shining. I wanted to go to Tilden, to walk the beach, look for shells. My ambition is dead. I’m disappointed with me. I’m angry. I want this to stop! STOP! STOP! STOP!)
(PostTime: 15.03) Friend, you said I can’t hold my own history against a place. So I went there. Look. See what came of it? I trusted you, I trusted them, I trusted the place. Lokk. See what I have now? Nothing. But the bitterness burns and eats me to death. It, the bitterness, the memories, the self-loathing, disappointment will be the parasites, the vermin that will ultimately tear and gnaw at my remains when I’m no longer breathing, lying motionless, until even my memory in history is gone. Liz. Cyndi. John. Joe. I have learnt from you. I am stupid if ever I trust anything, anyone, anywhere again. I am not stupid.
(PostTime: 20.20) I… have accomplished NOTHING today! Not one thing. I… have slept MOST of the day. I… have just eaten 2 sandwiches for dinner. They… were peanut-butter, cream-cheese and apricot preserves. They… were washed down with half’n’half. I… boot-stimmed. It… was hands-free. My jeans and shirt are still damp. The sun is setting. The day is gone. It… is passed. I… am seriously considering crawling BACK under the covers and going BACK to sleep. I am waiting for the noises of this house, for the scum-bags and shit-heads to begin their nightly chaos. I… am fed-up AND disappointed with my-self. I… should shower. I… will brush my teeth. WHAT is so WRONG with me?
(PostTime: 21.53) Curiosity. Passing time. I searched for images of Nbg. The images of my art-work, the images of the documentation (Palatines, Palatine Hotel, Lord Lovelace lettre) runs through my mind. The bitterness. It’s not hate any longer. It’s malignant. It doubles, redoubles, constantly. It won’t stop. I wish there was a statement that would be strong enough, that I could post to the global Internet, carve in the beach, print on a flag, announce to the world, that would expell the energy of this bitterness against those who let it all just “go”, who let me every energy just… go. But there isn’t. And the bitter is malignant, constant, infinite, eternal.
(PostTime: 23.06) I… am showered. I… am finishing the ginger-vodka put up for Barbara. I… am weary but not tired. There is very little noise to disturb me. But… my mind will not let me drift. That… is why I… am having the vodka. Tomorrow… I WILL wake early. AND… I WILL get out of this hole.
In the shower I thought how I used to want people to come to my home to visit. THAT was MANY years ago. It hasn’t been that way since 3150. I no longer want people to come in to visit. I no linger have a “home”. I don’t believe I ever will anymore.
Now… I am showered. I am weary. I finish the vodka. I will read a bit. I WILL SLEEP TONIGHT! (My jeans and shirt are dry.)
(PostTime: 24.08) KHRNY! But now I have to re-arrange the place. It only comes in when the radio is on the hot-plate. Still, worth being awake for. NOW I’ll SLEEP! HEBREW ALL NIGHT!

16.May:
(PostTime: 7.34) KHRNY on the air. Oldies French and English. Sweats and such in to soak. Me? Feeling yesterday’s poor diet of cake, eclairs and sanwiches. Waiting for the elimination. But the day WILL go on. – No word fm Schmulik r/t coming out to the beach. And I plan with-out. – Noteable, going to sleep and waking with KHRNY gives me calm. The Hebrew helps my entire mood. So long as I don’t have to hear English I’m good. My spirit is far away from everything, my mind is clear, the brain functions nicely. I’m not “here” and all is well, lighter, better. What a difference. If I’d leave, return to Montreal, Israel, I’d be OK. Staying here is what brings me down. Too close, no matter how far away, from all of the shit of the past. – But no time to ponder that this morning. Wash the wash; wash the me and get out of here for the day!
(PostTime: 19.48) Walked out to Tilden. Talked with a guy (John) in Neponsit about fishing, swimming and why we wear kippot. The beach was relatively empty considering the hot, clear weather.
Detoured to take pictures of MY tree. I could move back to that tree. I miss it and the “style” of that life.
Penelope greeted me with news that yesterday was a perfect day. Shirl and SULLY were in! Shirl left for NH until Wed. Sully left me 3 pgs of info on Battery Kessler! He remembered our conversation of weeks ago!
I took Brian to 411. He thanked me many times for the “tour”.
Took the bus back. Very warm evening so I didn’t feel up to walking. Paid the fare in dimes.
Fried chicken and cake for dinner. Small wash. Now, I’m really tired. Will shower soon, Bed EARLY.
(PostTime: 20.01) And… No Schmulik today. No message. No phone call. No him. I’m most willing to wager that I was expected to a) go to Brighton, b) go meet him in Bklyn and go to the beach, c) meet him in Bklyn and bring him to Tilden. Well… the no message/no info puts me in perspective. I got what I looked for: met him again. That’s that. Nothing more. Toda. Shalom v’LO l’hitraot.
(PostTime: 20.44) Showered. Sour stomach. The grease from the chicken, no doubt. And this room smells of frying! And Lorraine is at her banging. Tonight she has until 21h. I’m tired and will NOT be awake until 24h! KHRNY is still on air. Some static, but I’m not adjusting the dial. It will play through the night… especially to drown-out Copley. – Tomorrow? A day with Moe… hopefully a trip to Tilden with him. I hope we go and that he gets to enjoy it.

17.May:
(PostTime: 7.04) Went to sleep by about 22.30, no drink, no meds. But had to hit the loo before sleep. Too much grease in the chicken. Even this morning I’m feeling the grease. But even the air un here is rather heavy with it. So there myst have been a lot of fat in last night’s dinner. Still, this is something: fat never bothered me this much before. Maybe it’s because of Saturday? Cake and eclairs? What-ever. – An overcast forecast for the day. I’ve got a feeling there won’t be a Tilden in the day’s plans. It will be difficult to make my hours with Moe if not.
I don’t remember last night’s dream details. Something about getting gas for the car. I know I fell asleep thinking the car could probably use a bottle of dry gas and a full tank.
Well, today I have to get a MetroCard. And cigarettes. And I should get food. There’s enough chicken for 2 more meals, a tin of salmon (but no mayo), black beans and hot cereal (no half’n’half). Maybe I should reapply for Food Stamps. But I have no proof of residence. Pain in the arse, this. Ah, it’s never just simple, no matter how simple it should be. – Time for oldies on KHRNY. The day begins. I’ll make the best of it.
(PostTime: 8.18) Just a note: 7.15 Nr.7 starts banging shit in the wall. WHAT HAS to be slammed against a wall at this hour? WHAT HAS to be slammed against a wall at ANY time? HOW can ANYbody be SO STUPID as to NOT know that hitting a wall with something creates a disturbance to the person on the other side of that wall? Or the floor, for that matter. THIS STUPIDITY is just one aspect of so-called “humanity” that intrigues me. It PROVES that certain “human” creatures do NOT evolve. They are, in clinical terms, RETARDS. THESE should NOT be permitted to exist in ANY area amongst evolved beings. Certainly NOT in multiple-unit dwellings. There is a perfectly logical and valid reason for their conception and birth on an island: they are of the isolated regions and should be confined to those regions. In the Natural order of Creation, parasites and bacteria remain in their assigned place in the greater scheme. In “humanity”, that order should remain, keeping these lower life-forms where they belong, serving their own purpose in their own environment. Of course, mosquitoes travel, as do termites, and ants. But ticks, fleas, lice, leeches and the likes come to other environments only when people disturb the indiginous environments where such things thrive. WHO disturbed the environments of THESE “human” parasites, causing them to disperse into other-wise civil society? Damn the responsible parties. We ALL suffer as a result; not unlike strolling through the under-brush on hot, humid Summer evenings, disturbing swarms of mosquitoes… with the same results.
(PostTime: 10.24) 1. This 200$ phone is shit.
2. 9.30 Lorraine goes playing in the loo.
3. 18h on the day he’s supposed to be at Tilden, (yesterday) Schmulik sends an E-MAIL to say he’s working. For stupid shit he sends to my phone. So this goes no further. Another “The End”.
On to THIS day. No doubt, a wash-out. (Pissy mood right now. And new MetroCard that gave “See Agent” at 1st swipe.
(PostTime: 24.02) Spent most of the day with Moe today. Drove out to Tilden!
I DROVE the Cross Bay Bridge! Due to construction, we had to take RBB all the way. I didn’t point-out Bedlam as we passed. I’m not sure what would be made of it and I don’t want to hear “How terrible that you have to live there.” M&E aren’t from the highest, but I’m certain this place would “concern” them. So, I just pointed-out the neighbourhoods as we drove through.
At Tilden, Moe met Penelope, she met him. But he was unusually quiet. Preoccupied with his own weakness, I suppose. But Penelope, being the warm and welcoming soul that she is, brought him in and gave him her own warmth and kindnesses. She opened T7 for him so he could browse the exhibit, at his own pace. It was fascinating, seeing them together, being about (I’m presuming) the same age. She, so vibrant, involved in Life, sculpting her 140lb. stone; he, so quiet, cautious, almost uncertain, frail. But no matter what, there they were, quite alive, out, getting about. (And me, ready to pack this all in and check out of it all. Fed up, tired of it all, but pushing through, encouraging everyone, being the voice of inspiration… to them.) When we left, I took the Cement Rd. up past 220, Battery Kessler, out by the Silver Gull/Roxbury. The tour, the circuit, The Fort.
We drove back on BCD, got stuck at the toll. The machine didn’t register the EZ Pass. A woman came, asked for the EZ Pass, dropped it atop the scanning tower. The bar raised, she handed the EZP box back. I said “THAT’S what I had to do?” “That’s what I have to do.” was her reply. I just laughed and we drove on.
We did lunch at Forest Hills Coffee Shop. The waitress remembered us. Moe had spinach pie. I had chicken gyro. (15,70$) Then back to their flat. (11-16h on the clock.) Ev was there when we arrived.
Moe needed some help on the computer so I said “Stop the click. Turn the metre off and let’s go.” We worked the computer until almost 19h. I was considering going to MMLib, but it was too late. I’ll be back Wed.
(PostTime: 24.27) I was hungry, thirsty when I left but had energy and needed cigarettes. Decided to go to Walgreens on Lefferts/Rock.Blvd.
While waiting for the bus at Myrtle, I rang Penelope to say I could be at Tilden tomorrow. She and I talked ALL the way to Walgreen’s. BUT…
As I’m standing on Lefferts, talking with Penelope, Joey Tretter shows in front of me! Not only is it just strange that I’m familiar with this boro now, I’m chatting with Penelope on the phone and Joey appears… on the street! Lefferts! A street once so foreign to me. A street (like Woodhaven and Cross Bay) that was my “escape”, from the Shelter days. Now I know the streets, the areas, and PEOPLE! And in a place where nobody would ever suspect I might be. I have an entirely new existence here. What a shame I still have the memories.
So, I finished talking with Penelope. She won’t be coming to Tilden tomorrow. Joey says they REALLY NEED HELP with Herman. Joey believes he’s just given-up. He’s not accepting the Parkinsons. But I feel it’s giving-up AND Parkinsons. So Joey told me how liked I am by Herman and the family. I’m always welcome at the house. (They should only know I came to them from the Shelter every day. I’ve thought of saying but it’s not important that they know.) And Joey wants me to go to Windham so he can bring Herman BUT he wants me to find another guy to help with Herman because WE would be responsible for getting Herman ambulatory. Oh well…
So, Joey and I parted. Walgreens had the 1$ off on the cigs. I got 4 packs.
The wait for the Q7 was minor eternity. The Q53 came quickly. I got in at 22.10!
Farina for dinner tonight. Ate from the pot. Need groceries! And now? I need sleep.
KHRNY on the air.
A day to me tomorrow. Rain in the forecast. But I’ve got my MetroCard. Travel perhaps? MMLib?
What a day! (Wed. is Shavuot)

18.May:
(PostTime: 12.02) Over-slept. 8.52. Not that there’s anything of import to accomplish. Just wanted to be awake by 7. It’s raining. I will not schlep laundry today. Thought of doing bed-things. Nope. So I funished the canvass/charcoal sketch. Not bad. Not a “best”. But it’s not a gallery-work. Maybe for the hall, out-side the door where the philodendrum used tolbe. (I still wonder who killed it.) – Tonigjt is Shavuot. All-night Torah study. How I wish. How nice it would be. But tomorrow I drive M&E into The City at 9.30. (Moe to the doctor. Life supercedes all other mitzvot.) – I’m very tired again today. Could go back to sleep. Maybe a nap. NO MORE THAN 30mins! Maybe a visit to the Tretters? – Nothing temptingly edible in the house. I’m not truly hungry. – Have concluded, this morning: Lorraine is a child. She MUST make noise to force attention on herself. She’s got nothing, no one, no life. So, to force conversation, confrontation, some sort of interaction, as a child will, she makes noise to make her presence known. Very sad. I must commit this to mind. She can’t help herself and can’t be helped. I reside next to a toddler. – And so, I’ll nap now. Decide what to do after. One day this week, perhaps Thursday, a trip to Riverdale. I’d like, very much, to see Rabba Lewis. I’ve no guilt/shame and a brief visit might be fun (or the closure… depending). Either way… – It would be wonderful to go to T&V as well. Things to do, places to go, chances, opportunities, possibilities. – The odour of fixative in here! Goodness!
(PostTime: 17.52) GONE! The entire day; gone. NAP? Nope. SLEEP! Accomplish? Nope. SLEEP! THIS is NOT just something my body needs. THIS is something much more, much deeper. I get a day where plans are left to me, nothing particular on the agenda, and I crawl right under the blankets and sleep it away. (Nr.7 just came in. SLAM! goes his wndow. Up or down or what-ever. TV on. Volume UP! The next 4 hours will be the mumble-rumble of THAT coming through the wall. ANOTHER RETARD.)
DREAM FRAGS:
1. I live in a high-rise. 7th/8th/10th floor. My living-room window faces ocean and beach. Friends are visiting. They’re having fun, want to go out to the beach. They jump from the window to the beach below. No harm. No injury. I’m about to follow, hesitatingly. I study how they did it with-out injury. I’m only a little nervous.
(The dream changes.)
2. Beach. Tilden. An abandonded wood-frame house. Light blue shingle, white trim. I have to get to somewhere. I entre the 1st floor, up-stairs to 2nd/3rd fl. In the living-room, 2 candles on a coffee-table. The bottom candle, yellow, wine-glass shape. Lit. Inside, a crimson candle, highball shaped glass, no wick. The wax is melted, liquid. I’m intrigued, slightly concerned about fire. Some young, Black kids come into the house down-stairs. I don’t see them. Only hearlthem. I go to the window, climb out. I’ve done this before to get to where I’m going. This time I’m unsure, but as I lower my-self out the window, I stretch and my feet almost touch the ground below. I’m concerned because my dark blue sweater rubbed against the shingles. Did it tear? No. OK. I stand on the ground and head to where-ever it is I’m going (direction of the soccer field, from the beach bldgs. in Tilden).
So? Jumping from windows? Yellow and crimson candles? The yellow one is lit, the crimson wax is liquid? Light blue shingles? White trim? Heights? Jumping? WHAT is lodged in my mind?
(PostTime: 18.03) But, KHRNY is coming in clearly all day. They’re full of “hag sameach” and right now, on the Arabic music programme. It can get annoying, but how fun to recognise some of the tunes. Would make for fun conversation, but I don’t know anybody else who’d listen to this station. And the one person whom I thought might isn’t worth the time to spend together and won’t listen to it anyway. (Schmulik) He’s trying to be so “American” now. Oh well. No loss on my part. (OK. “Aisha”. In French. Dance version in mix.)
You know? I have some rice, black beans, salmon, chicken, spinach and cereal to eat. I can afford a few items at market but I don’t have the inclination to go for anylof them. I’ve had 2 sanwiches: peanut-butter, cream-cheese, apricot jam. Should, probably, eat. Don’t really want to bother. What would I like to do? Of course: SLEEP!
(PostTime: 18.11) The sketch is dine. I keep looking at it. Could use a little more detail. I don’t dare (or do I?). Would like to hang it in the hall now. Would like to bring it to show M&E tomorrow. Show Penelope on Saturday. Don’t think I should risk hanging it in the hall. Might suddenly “walk” because somebody likes it OR somebody resents it. Best to wait.
Earlier, (about 14.30) I’d gone to the loo. The green was taken. I used the other. When I came out, a guy, Hispanic, glasses, scruffy, cap, came in from the porch. He’d been in the loo. I’ve NO idea who he is OR how he got un here… to use the loo. I need to change the door lock, notify the landlord.
(PostTime: 20.35) 2 frozen chicken thighs, salt, pepper, garlic, basil. Add rice and chopped spinach. Chicken soup for dinner in anothet 10 minutes. I accomplished that much. Will eat, shower and hopefully will sleep through the night. It’s been a chilly, damp, sea-side sory of day. Tomorrow will be on-the-toes. A holiday of no-work-permitted. I will enjoy and ’twill not be work. Otyer-wise, Nr.7 has been too quiet for too long. Nr.5? Tapping, thumping intermittently. No doubt she’ll bust loose after 21h. No prob. I already have cracks in the wall from previous foot-bangs. One more doesn’t matter. I just don’t care about this place any longer. It is what it is: a shelter from the elements. No more. No less.
(PostTime: 21.47) 21.32 Ate roughly half of the chicken soup (which has little broth due to the rice. But that can be modified for tomorrow’s portion.) Dishes donr. Tea towel in to soak. It’s filthy from the dust in here! Showered. Imari on the burner. Double hot chocolate waiting. KHRNY on the radio. Calm about the house (b’rega). EVERY night should be exactly as it is right now. Hell! I even boiled the water for the hot chocolate! And it’s a comfy 23 in here. It WILL be a sleepful, restful night. KHRNY is playing my favourites. To think it’s going for 3h (or 4h) in Jerusalem. The Goyim are sleeping or at the clubs. The Orthodox are sleeping. The Reform are sleeping or partying. The Conservatives are trying to decide what to do with the holiday. (Or, maybe the holiday is done in haAretz so everybody is sleeping or waking for a work-day.) Me? Just another day, denied of what I’d love to do: schul-hop, eat cheese-cake, study Torah with other Jews. Oh well. My last Shavuot, same as the others. – Finish my hot chocolate. Back to bed.

19.May:
(PostTime: 1.47) This was bound to happen. (zeh ha kol lo klu) Lay here for 2 hours, awake. Fatigued. Sleep will not come. Water’s on. A cup of hot water. Aspirin. Try. By the time I’m dozing-off, the alarm will sound. ALAS! Wish I had another canvas. Wish I had my guitar. If it was warmer out there, I’d go to the beach. If this was August, I wouldn’t come back. (Arik Sinai. Thankfully not tzel kaved). Water’s ready. I’ve been listening to the trains leaving. They seem regular. Imagine working the shuttle all night. How terrible. Surely, there’s nobody out there in this weather, in the middle of the night. – Well, I can lie here, have my hot water, listen to the radio. Were I in The Shelter, I’d have to lie here listenung to the crazies in the halls. (People have been coming and going here all night though.) – I should have washed the bed linens. Oh well.
(PostTime: 3.17) Still awake. Hot water. Aspirin. Warmer temperature in here. Browsed for pictures of The Shelter. My mind goes back there in weaker times. It was Hell. But there was something about the guys. And still, to this day, I have an inner aversion to thise who have no idea what goes on in there and a hatred against those who judge negatively. But now I’m becoming hungry. Nothing quick to eat and I MUST GET SOME SLEEP! I’ve less than 4 hours and less than 2 before the alarm.
(PostTime: 6.37) This day is going to require ALL of my focus! You’d think I’d attended tikkun l’eil all last night. Of course, I probably should have had my own. After all, I was awake ALL night. And of course, just before the alarm, I was off to Dozey Land. This morning’s coffee better take hold and stick! Meanwhile, it smells delish in here: the tea towel is nicely bleached. And KHRNY is clearly in the air. ‘twould be a bee-yoo-tee-full thing to have it on the car radio as well (hint to the Great Metaphysical). And, in moments, we’re off and running. BUT, somehow, my brow is less furrowed this morning. My eyes are tired but my face is refreshed. Hmmm. May Penelope be as successful. She was going to spend yesterday “creaming and lotioning”. Personally, I think the withdrawl of Jse has something to do with that. I hope not.
(PostTime: 20.44) MADE IT! The day closes. Dinner and dishes done. Water on to boil. A cup and to SLEEP (damn it please SLEEP through the entire night)! – I got to M&E AT 9h. By 9.45 we were off to Woodhave for gas, then to the LIE to VanDam and the 59th St. Br. Moe trying to give directions while I was watching signs. Well, we made it even up to 84th/Park by 10.50 or so. I drove round about for psrking. Finally got a spot: 83/3rd. 1,50$/hr on the metre. But we got sway with only the hour. I got the car and them and we were en route back to “suburbia”. – Lunch at Mother’s on Qns.Blvd. I had cold borscht (not bad – not Polonia’s by any stretch) and a cheese blintz (good but over-priced). After lunch, Trader Joe’s. I have half’n’half, cereal, butter, peanut-butter, flour tortillas! (And an interesting chat with the guy at the cashe: bath-rooms in stores in Manhattan! Imagine? I wonder. Too bad it wasn’t the blue-eyed guy who was stocking BANNANAS! But I’ve noticed the male shoppers in TJ’s tend toward KNOCK-MY-HEART-OUT-VERY-NICE-INDEED or fugghedaboudit.) OK. A stop at Stop’n’Shop and back to UnionTpke. – Ev pd. me 16hrs because I’m taking tomorrow off and Friday will see Penelope. Before I left, we parked the car on the street. Lois will be in Friday and wants their space. Ev came with and we strolled to the back gate, talking. There’s nothing I do their not so thankful for! It’s amazing. Every little thing warrants gratitude. They should know: I LIKE THEM, ENJOY THEIR COMPANY AND TIME WITH THEM. – And so, on the bus, just tired enough to almost nod. Off at B108. As I’m approaching the house, Denise & Tito are walking toward me. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT (on both sides). To Hell with both of them. We certainly don’t need to speak, or even like one-another. Peace. – I finished last night’s soup. Bowl of cold cereal. Now, hot water and BED! Too tired to even shower. – Noise tonight will have harmful repercussions.
(PostTime: 21.06) WOW THIS PHONE/NET IS SHIT! Takes eternity to get to the end of this page!
At 7.51 a hag sameach fm Schmulik. He truly is dense. Live, time, life, learn. No mention of his no word/no show Sunday. Chalk it up with: gotta find you a lap-top, iPod, leather pants. Time is linear… But I gave… no recip. No bother. No care. No time to care now.
(I wonder what the others would do/say if they knew about “my” August this year. Oh, I know. That’s why I won’t say.)
I’m waking up again!
Imari powder on the sheets, extra blankets ahead of time. When I “go”, I’m staying. And NO ALARMS for morning! (2 aspirin… just in case.)
Anything else? Nope. If so, tomorrow.

20.May:
(PostTime: 8.39) A FULL NIGHT’S SLEEP! ALL the way through. Non-stop. UN-interrupted. Just sleep. AND awake before 9h! Could I lay back down and nap? Yoobetcha I could. BUT; I will NOT. I don’t know what I WILL do. But I know I won’t do it in here today. Up. Coffee. Dump’n’shower, clothe and out the door today. Yupsiree. (I’m not in spiffy sorts. But I’m happy about a FULL NIGHT’S SLEEP.)
(PostTime: 17.01) BEACH. 12-15h. OK colour. Somehow, 3 hours lately is like 45mins. in years past. But this is better than it was. And 2 bowls of cereal. That will probably be it, save a nosh later. Summer appetite. – Was considering visits today: Bob/Barbara, Mary/Herman. Was considering fabric for black jeans, key/wallet chain, vodka. Considering the hour, decided to wait. Should deposit my cheque. Considering the hour, decided to not. Tonight, early repose. Tomorrow, early out of here. Plan? Beach EARLY! Fabric. Tilden/Penelope. Maybe more beach. Rainy wk-end coming. But for now, KHRNY and relax until the shit starts in 5&7. – Not a bad day. Oh, and stim hands free to the arm pits. Hey hey hey.
(PostTime: 21.13) Half a sleeper. Hot water. Time for end of day. Besides, I just deleted all the “history” I wanted to keep. Oh well. – Moron7 is stirring. Not a good indication of quiet tonight. – KHRNY is gone Israrock. – I’ve got plans for tomorrow and a quick start to the day. I must be off… NOW!

21.May:
(PostTime: 5.41) Awake. On my own. No alarm. Groggy. The sleeper. Difficultu falling asleep. Woke once during the night. I felt as if I was spiraling in a free-fall. Not a pleasant sensation. It may have been because of moron5, I heard muffled thuds from there. Then went back to sleep. But, I’m awake and it’s not 10.00. The trick will be to stay awake. – IF the radio is still KHRNY (I think it is), it’s odd; instrumenrals and songs with “dadadadie” as lyrics. BORING stuff. But OK for this hour. – On with the day. Sunny forecast. It’s 25 in here, 17 out there. An hour or 2 on the beach and off to Tilden. I hope Penelope will be there today.

22.May:
(PostTime: 0.50) My feet are dirty from wearing flip-flops all day. Too late to shower.
20th. Friday:
Started with 2 hours on the beach. Getting great colour. Even on the legs! And from 10-12h, B114 was delightfully empty. The surf lulled. Gorgeous.
Then on to Tilden and a day with Penelope. In our schmoozing she divulged that she’d told me to be “scarce” during my “residence in the Bakfort because Tommy was making quite the HUGE do over my nights in T6, trying to make himself THE Guardian of the RAA. She feared something terrible would befall me. She said she let me in there because she SO trusted me but with Tommy’s talk, I’d become suspect of anything. She didn’t want that to happen to me. She was protecting me.
Whilst there, Barbara Taylor rang. 3 days st the beginning of June! Private duty! A break from Bedlam!
Maggie has a beautiful dress! Shirl brought her back yesterday. Really beautiful! Dear Maggie. She’s taken on a “life”.
Got 4 more canvasses and left 5$ in the donation jar. P. says I took 2 canvasses. Isn’t she something?
Dropped the canvasses at the house, headed for Pitkin, Craft Centre. Wanted fabric for the jeans. They didn’t have. But I got thumb-tacks (made in GERMANY) to hang a sketch in the hall, a stencil/brushes for T-shirts (Rock.time/Deconstruct). Spent money I shouldn’t spend. But WTF? Why not?
The Q21 is a screw-up. Every 30mins. Took my evening from me!
Waldbaum’s: ice cream, chicken nibblers, limeade, tonic. Then vodka on B116th. Back to Bedlam just before sunset. Nibblers for dinner, dessert, do dishes, NEW SKETCH which I just completed. (I’m sticking to land-scapes. I CAN do them so I shall.)
And now? As I finish this entry, the odour if fixative lingers and I’m ‘neath the cuvers for the night. No alarm for morning. No sleepers tonight (2 very light drinks though).
Those little flaky/hard/white spots are now on BOTH arms! I’m bleaching them with a vengeance! Possibly CA. THAT, I don’t care about. Let it move UNDER the skin, into the blood/lymph, and let it work QUICKLY!
That said, ENOUGH!
(PostTime: 20.35) 20.20.Q53 to MetAv. Deposit. Q54 to Lefferts to RockBlvd. Cigs. SHOULD have done this yesterday. And it looks like rain’d coming. Oh well. – Day at Tilden. Penelope and Janet. – WOW! P.’s quite the Liberal! J.’s quite the Conservative! Brian stopped by. Schmoozed. I tend to believe he’s more of the “what-ever” politically. But good conversation. – I took the bus both ways. Pffft! Wore a cap over the kippa. P. says I look good in the cap. Hmmm. – Beflam. Rice, black beans, nibblers, finish the ice cream. Finish the beach sketch (I’m not fond of it). Nap x90 mins. Up. Last cig. Dress. Out. Moron7 has his grandson there. TV going. Moton4 comes by the door yelling “Honey I’m home! You’re phone is turned off.” They’re quite the pair. (7 told 4 about the grand being there. No dope-smoking tonight?) Oh, 7 left this morning to attend “holy communion for his grandmother”. CHRISTIAN! Trouble there, no doubt. – BC. Dark. Off we go.
(PostTime: 22.52) A train. Lefferts. Waiting! Ne’er let it be said that I don’t get out much! And all I’ve done is deposit and get smokes! This city, like the country, like the world, has gone to the crapper. 4 hours by the time I get back. FOUR HOURS! UNSATISFACTORY!
(PostTime: 23.50) I WORKED for these cigs tonight! Got off the train JUST as the Q53 arr’d! Got in about 10 mins. ago. Hung the bridge sketch in the hall (took a picture, just to document). KHRNY back on the air and the Black Water crowd is alive. TV on in 7, but very low. – At 21h, call from Moe. He wad reading his e-mails (!) and deleted mine. Cute! – At 23h (I wad on the bus in HB), “shavua tov” msg. Balls? Chutzpah? – Well, I’m in, having a drink. A little hungry but nothing serious. JFK flights over-head tonight. Tomorrow? TILDEN & SHIRL! – (Tomorrow? A stutz would be very nice.)

23.May:
(PostTime: 18.51) Woke at 7.30. Got OOB at 8.30. Wasted the morning then showered and out to Tilden. Shirl was there so it was a most wonderful day! I spent most of the time talking with her. Just the most splendid way to spend a day. She’s quick, witty, educated, down-to-earth. We can have serious talks, interspersed with great humour that would be lost by most. We both appreciate P. and tolerate what Janet and Shirl have both referred to as her “Marxist Socialism”. Well, as I pointed out to Shirl: P. is Greek (though she identifies as a Black woman… why? Something she does) and, after all, Greece almost broke the E.U. with their lazy approach to things in general.
(I MUST NAP whilst the chicken soup boils. It’ll be done at 8.30. I need 30 mins.)
(PostTime: 21.38) THIS SHIT PHONE! A whole entry gone! The bloody BACK is so bloody close to everything. And it fux letters. SHIT!
I napped. The chicken isn’t cooked yet.
So, where the fuk was I? – Ss I’m sitting in front of T6, “Mike F.” comes to chat me up. He lives (he claims) in the B41st Houses (with an Israeli guy). He knows the T&V schul. Gives me his name/nr. Notes we should meet when next I’m at T&V. Right. Shortly after, some Orthodox comes jogging by. “Are you local?” “What congregation..?” When I said Conservative, off he jogs, in black kippa, white shirt, black trousers. OY! Of ALL people! Oh well.
So Shirl and I go for our beach-stroll. Such WONDERFUL conversations with her. Politics, religion, psych, the world. She says (as Janet did yesterday) P. is strict Marxist (and NOT Groucho Marxist) and IDs herself with Blacks! Explains why she (P) put her name in Afrika on the global map in T7. As I pointed out: Why not? Look how Greece brought down the E.U. Shirl agreed.
Well, at end of day, Shirl drove me to Waldbaum’s where I got food and spent money I shouldn’t have spent. (And I have mt new MetroCard for the coming week)(Will sweat the rent in June again.)
Back at Bedlam, BIG dinner of rice, beans, nibblers, ice cream.
(PostTime: 21.53) WOW! As I entred, Shirl phoned. We were on for over an hour and the connection to Internet held! I finished that entry and it posted! – I’m just finishing my vodka. The chicken soup with black-eye peas is done, ready to be put up. I WILL wash the pot tonight, msy Lorraine go to Hell. And I was pondering what to do with tomorrow, Shirl wasn’t coming out to Tilden. But she WILL be coming so I’ll be there. She’s getting her photo taken to be included in a book of Rockaway artists. She wants me to get into the book. I don’t want the publicity, I don’t want to be traced. It will lead to connections I most certainly do NOT want. I’m afraid I’ll have to tell her in those terms. She means the best for me, to be sure. But… I truly don’t want to connect/re-connect with family/others. I came here to sever those. And, I don’t want to “be” after August (how quickly that’s coming). So, ’twill be interesting.
Lately I’ve been thinking of the music I miss so: “Dimmimg of the Day”, “I Never Will Marry”, “Calling My Children Home”, “I’ll Be Sering You”, Cajun, Baroque, and such. The bitterness. The angst. The anger. The pain. I want it ALL to be done with… August.

24.May:
(PostTime: 9.06) DREAMS: this morning
1. I am trying to get my banque balance on my cell. Noise, static, interference. The recording is apologising for the noise, static. – I suspect my payroll wasn’t deposited. My cheque deposit not posted. I need to buy food, necessities. I’m on the street. It’s snowing. I keep trying to get my balance. Static. – I want to move my acct to a very small, local, unknown banque. It has a strange name. I’m uncertain about it but angry about my current banque. – Several attempts, the recording on the phone tells me that I will have to buy a 12$ “Banque TracPhone”, linked to my acct to maintain my acct and get info. “This is your last notice. Goodbye.” says the recorded message. Now I am left not knowing the acct status and no way to get it because my banque isn’t open.
2. I am shopping with/for my younger sister. She needs food and clothes. In the crowded store, a young (20-30y/o) Jewish male w/dog walks by. “May I ask you a question?” I know what he wants to ask. I agree. – We walk out-side. He is w/his wife. – He asks my name. I tell him. “Mr. Yehud, why are you not Jewish?” he asks and walks away. He stands off to my left; the wife stands off to my right, both about 10mtrs away. They appear to be ignoring me. – I walk to him, ask if he wants an answer. He nods. I answer: “I am not Jewish according to YOUR definitions and standards. I am very Jewish according to MY definitions and standards; I am happy, at peace with my Jewishness.” – He and she are smirking, condescendingly. They are Orthodox. They obviously disapprove of my attitude and answer.
(PostTime: 9.20) Slept rather well after the usual difficulty falling asleep. As I laid in the dark, anxious about not being able to fall asleep, I attributed the insomnia to financial concerns. (Perhaps dream1.) – One coughing episode woke me during the night. I fell back to sleep. – Half-woke just before 7.30alarm. Then fell back to sleep (dream2) for an hour. – Woke, feeling rested. – Will use cash-on-hand to get to Tilden today. That will bring my MetroCard back on the old schedule: Expiration on Monday night. – Put the soup up this morning. 2 very healthy portions. – Now? Just waiting for coffee to kick-in. Shower and out of here for the day at Tilden. Was thinking of going uo to Riverdale Temple. Probably best I don’t. Though I’ve no reason not to: no guilt, trepidations, in spite of what I’m certain must be thought of me. – Today I will have to dodge the photo-op with Shirl. (Does this have anything to do with my dreams? I’ll ponder durung the day. Must prep for leaving now.)
(PostTime: 18.09) Turned-out to an OK day. Got to Tilden about 11.45. Penelope and I. Shirl came 12.15 with a tyrkey/cheese sandwich and apple for her and me. We 3 had lunch. I made coffee. – The guys from Lake George were working on the water mains. They leave for home on Fridays and I DO wish I could just go with them. I miss MOUNTAINS! Alas. I’d miss the ocean soon enough. – Shirl and I did our mischief: On the back of the old bus, parked in front of T7, somebody painted “Killroy Wuz Here”. We changed it to “Killian”. TeeHee. – Now, for my heartache/nightmare: Shirl coerced me into letting Yuri take my portrait for inclusion in his exhibit/book of Rockaway artists! This project means so much to Yuri, but it had better not lead to reconnects to anybody for me! I don’t want the bullshit. But, Yuri has over 80 local artists already. He just might lead to the better changes in this area. So many artists here already! Pioneers. The beginning. – Shirl and I strolled B113-B108 with Cody and we all got caught by a wave! Soaked feet! My jeans are in for a wash as I entre this. – Soup’s on and hot. Dinner. – Tired now. But watch; by 21h I’ll be wide awake again. – Paid cash fare to Tilden. Rode back w/Shirl. MetroCard starts tomorrow. – Oh, holiday we-end coming. Memorial Day. Summer begins. Peace in Rockaway ends.
(PostTime: 19.28) The beach is much smaller today. MUCH came here in my socks and jeans! No telling how much is in my boots! But, imagine: I’ve had dinner, dishes done, laundry done. Hey! – UNfortunately, 7’s in, tapping something sgainst the wall, TV booming through. Christians! THIS is how their Jesus taught them to be considerate of others. He should only see what is done… how HIS people behave… how his name is marred. Pitiful shamr. – Did I earlier mention: I got KHRNY in Tilden! – OK. So mych for this. – And now comes the yipping of the other Rican’s rat in the back yard. They HATE PEACE! Amazing. That’s why they’re not “animals”. Animals enjoy peace. This scum appreciates only chaos and destruction. – My days, diwn to double-digits… PEACE!
(PostTime: 20.41) A Mum goes to her 50y/o son’s flat. She brings food, cleans. He’s had schizophrenia since age 19. He’s brilliant. But lately, he’s not been well.
Mum notices her son hasn’t come from the bedroom since she arrived. She goes to check on him… to find him, in bed… He’s dead.
Ev rang. Elsa’s son died on the wk-end. They don’t know when. She found him yesterday. (I’ll drive Moe & Ev to the funeral tomorrow. Thankfully I can dress sime-what accordingly. Black trousers, white polo.)
More human brilliance, gone. Like my iwn Mum. Another brilliant human, gone.
Ev pointed out: Common amongst Jewish boys; acquire so much intelligence and suddenly, they snap. Fate? Too much stress and pressure to learn.
(PostTime: 23.31) THIS I MUST RECORD!
About 10 minutes ago (would have recorded earlier but am doing so on this piece of dreck phone), Lorraine started het scratching on the wall. I said, aloud, but not loudly ” Keep it up and I’ll pound through the wall and punch you in the fking face. Report THAT to the authorities.”
All went silent.
Meanwhile, stim-hands-free, 2 vodkas, one peanut-butter/tortilla. I’m ready for sleep. And KHRNY om air. Oh, and MANY REAL LAUGHS: Groucho/Parker quotes!

25.May:
(PostTime: 7.46) Woke, before the alarm, to KHRNY playing the old French music on this morning’s 7h programme. The music I used to borrow from the library to practise to. Back then, I might have known several words, but could mimic most of them, having no idea what I was singing. Today, I actually CAN sing the lyrics AND understand what they are. Ah, the years. (And the programme continues with “Oh, Champs Elysee”. Before it was “Tous les Garcons – et les Filles de mon age”. Imagine? I have reminicences en Francais. Not bad for a brat from Newburgh. Now, how do I stuff that into my bio for Yuri?) – Speaking of; Yuri wants a BIO to go with the portrait! 3 paragraphs! Penelope once said I can re-create my life here in Rockaway. Well? Yes. But how much? Is this the opportunity? Can I really do that? If only…
(PostTime: 8.13) If only I had what it takes to truly re-write my life. If only it could “become” simply by re-writing. Of course, there’s the 11 months of “living in Kipps Bay” to build on. NYC, East Side, the 30’s, land-mark/pre-war building, 24-hour door-man, granite floors, huge windows, southern exposure, large bathroom, gated court-yard, close to all. (It’s not so much what you ‘say’ but what you ‘don’t say’.) Still, I don’t like this. But now, backing out will disappoint several people. Well. I certainly can eequest that my dossier doesn’t appear on Facebook. Then again, one needs to join that to gain access. And if I play it right, nothing will connect to me. I just do NOT want to be put into a place where I’ll have no option other that inflicting physical damage on those whom I truly want to damage. I need to think this one through, carefully and thoroughly. I have to do this on my own. Meanwhile, in resent, I want to completely with-draw from the Tikden/RAA associations again. I’m angry about the coersion. Even angrier that I didn’t stand my ground. Even though Shirl was right: this very well could turn my life round. And it could be the re-write I’m looking for. I just don’t KNOW for CERTAIN. It causes nausea.
(PostTime: 8.18) What else is it? Fear that you WILL make it as an artist? That you’ll have to invest in the art? That there will be a market, a demand for your work? That you’ll need to find another, suitable, human place to live? That you’ll HAVE to live? That you’ll WANT to live? Yes; I do believe it’s that… and probably much more. (This requires so much work, much thinking.)
(PostTime: 22.32) Wore my n black IM (10$ CanalJeans) trousers and white polo, Deer Stags today. Brought Moe & Ev to the funeral service and I went, sat snd sketched in Forest Park. Then we went to Flagship Diner for lunch. (Quessedilla) How odd to know Kew Gdns. Right down the Blvd. fm Premier. My existence in Queens began there. How many years ago was that? Time has passed. Memories get hazed. But memories won’t let go. It was great being with them today. The puns, one-liners, wit. SUCH a pleasure!
Shirl: I called her en route to the bus. She rang back. She’s definitely going for surgery. She’s set on laporoscopy. But we laughed: Penelope will do the initial opening with hammer anf chisel, I’ll remove tumour with my Xacto, Geoff will staple with staple gun, I’ll close withlduct tape pstch. The bottle of Jameson in T6 for anesthesia. Garylwill play Classical music for relaxation. Lysol spray for sterilisation. (Somebody just slammed a door: 22.18.) But, she laughed.
Barbara: Bob seems tolbe having small seizures now. They spent today atldoctors’. More tomorrow. Sx are like Parkinsons but the MDs won’t test for it and deny the Dx. Their daughter (EMS) said Pknsn a while ago. I tend to think the same. – Son Michael was in hosp. x3 r/t suicidal ideation, lost ind. apartment. – Barbara is handling it all. But it weighs in her. And me. I don’t like to think of Bob deteriorating! (Barbara won’t be going away x3 days now.) She and I spoke for almost an hour tonight.
These people thank me, for my concern, interest, compassion. Moe & Ev tell me they couldn’t manage with-out my help. Shirl thanks me for my concern and support. Barbara thanks me for the time I give just talking. People who claim to need my person in their lives. Yet, I feel useless.
Sprayed the colourised dunes sketch. Did colour pencil over chsrcosl sketch. Not bad… not too bad. Not what I’d prefer but seriously not bad.
30+ tomorrow. Maybe beach by 8h, off by 11. Will check the water. Maybe Riverdale. Maybe.
Need more fixatif, food, rent, cigs, vodka, sleep…

26.May:
(PostTime: 8.46) My guts won’t stop churning. I’ve been searching the Internet for any mention of my art exhibitions. None. Nothing. Any info on my Bronx River/Downing Park work. Nothing. Any mention of any of my accomplishments anywhere. NOT ONE! My history, my life, essentially obliterated! The CDs where I’d recorded with photos, the Journals, news papers… EVERYTHING… GONE!
I’m supposed to submit a bio to Yuri. I have NOTHING to substantiate ANYTHING I could write! Not, of course, for any posterity. But I’d like credibility, proof of my statements.
MAYBE, just MAYBE I should go ahead with this bio thing, let it hit the Facebk, let those shitheads find it, find me, show up, face-to-face… and before I leave this Creation, experience the cathartic relief, the Divine Peace of actually thrashing each of them to little more than PULP! MAYBE Yuri is my vehicle to the one thing I’ve always wanted through-out my life… PEACE. And, by physically slamming the bodies of them who STOLE my accomplishments into walls, into the ground, into the earth… by physically experiencing the sensation of smashing MY presence into theirs, to inflict some degree of the PAIN AND SUFFERING THEY INFLICT ON ME, I can have CLOSURE!
Maybe… just maybe…
It’s certainly worth consideration.
(PostTime: 13.58) 2hrs on the beach, 2 bowls cereal, stim, shower, on the Q35. Riverdale. Why? B”met, ani LO yodeah. But the sky’s hazy and the temp is miserable, so I’m going under-ground. I’ve some trrpidatooms (this shit phone) trepidations. But, I’m going anyway. I just might learn something (about my reputation).
(PostTime: 14.10) NAKKIA!
NOEL!
KUKLA!
FERN!
BELLE!
My heart breaks. My soul wails in pain.
(PostTime: 22.38) Salmon salad tortillas. Ice cream. Dishes done. Coffee water on the boil. (No more instant left.) WHAT a day! Miserably HOT! But all transport had workin a/c. However:
The Nr2 train changed to nr5 as it left The Jct. So: 5 to BoroHall, 2 to 96, 1 to 231. Bx7 to 246. Return: Bx10 to Norwood D to 145, A to Lefferts, Q10 to RockBlvd (cigs, aspirin, water, chips at 20.00), Q7 to Woodhaven/CrossBay, Q53 to B102. Walked the boards to the house. Arr: 21.15.
So, all doors at RivTmple were unlocked and no receptionist. Reluctantly, I went up to Rabbi Lewis’ office. As I peered into her office, a young woman who looked VERY much like R.Lewis was seated at the desk, concentrating on the lap-top. BUT… HOT PINK HAIR! I thought “She wouldn’t dare!” and the young girl looked up. Debra, the daughter! Wow! The resemblance. We talked a while. R.Lewis was in a meeting somewhere. So I talked about how we met, how impressed I’ve always been.
I asked about Veronica, Otto’s daughter. She died about 2 years ago. May she find infinite peace.
As we’re talking, I hear “Oh my god!” from the library. Well, I wasn’t sure how I’d be received but it was so very pleasant. And THE MOST IMPORTANT issue to R.Lewis? “Are you doing art?”
She looks ever so good. Not one second of aging. Still albrilliant person. Shame, we only had about 25 minutes to talk. Still, the visit did my heart good to see her (and to know I’m welcome… by her… at RT).
The above-ground travel: The Bronx isn’t any better than the last time I was up there. No worse. The Kingsbridge library is building a poured concrete/glasd structure RIGHT NEXT to the old schul on Corlear. A high-rise is going up across on Corlear. Construction on the Kappok/H.Hudson over-pass continues. Riverdale is still woodsy.
As I left RT, paased 630 246th (friend if M&E) and rang Ev. They were good. Just trying the new a/c. We talked as I waited for the bus.
The scaffolding is gone from the Whitehall. The construction at 232/H.Hudson is complete. They must be townhouses. (cont…)
(PostTime: 23.09) Red brick, white trim, dormers. Quite Colonial. (Open House, Sunday)
Coming down Kappok, I found myself missing the HILLS! And the TREES! But then, Kingsbridge… I decided to stay on the bus to Norwood.
The house next to Jim’s kitchen window is done.. atrached to Jim’s building. I sae from Bailey. A Christian Day Care in one of the private houses on Bailey by vanCort! (Seeing the Deegan kind of got me a little.) The main bldg./entrance to the Jerome Reservoir is behing HUGE CEMENT WALLS snd there are blasting signs on the walls. The reservoir is empty. That SRO on Villa is complete (grafitti on one wall already). Mosholu El station is complete. Mum would approve. But I didn’t when the bus driver announced “MOSH.u.loo”. I looked toward Onkel Eddie’s old bldg., then my old P.O. It was getting to me. I was “Home” but I don’t live or reside there. MY place was hours and miles away. It hurt a little. The construction in vanCort at Gun Hill is complete. Looks great! And there’s a playground on the treatment plant. You’d never know what’s under there. The Norwood Rest/Bar is Montefiore, like mist of the area. Bainbridge is pretty much the same. But the top 3 floors of my section of 3150 is PAINTED BEIGE! Cheap-shit sealing, no doubt. My windows are different. A57 looked similar to when Mary lived there. A41 (Mike and Pookie)… EMPTY! That part of my past is gone too. They’re gone. I smoked a cigarette, came to terms and went for the D.
Leaving The Bronx wasn’t happy. But that life-time is gone. There was nobodylto call, drop by, see, talk to. Next trip: the wall at Bainbridge Garden.
And so, to Walgreens, So.Ozone. Standing, waiting for the Q7 (eternally), I heard “I Fall To Pieces”, Patsy Cline. Turning to Lefferts toward the source, Joey T. drives across the intersection! He waved. I waved back. I was back to Queens… where there are people to call, see, wave to. My Bronx… may have well been 5000miles away.
Rang Barbara from the Q53. I was going to stop by but it was 20.00 by then. Bob’s CT is done. (cont..)
(PostTime: 23.24) Nothing to report. Tomorrow someone’s setting him up for a finger-monitor (pulse,O2 sat) for one night whilst he sleeps. They just don’t know what’s wrong. Barb and I talked quite a while agaun tonight. But I was on the boards for most of it. My heart goes out to both of them.
On the boards, pockets of refreshing chilled air, pockets of hit air. Tide in. BIG, brilliant moon. Clear skies. I took some photos (to add to this Journal.. when I can).
Came in the house. Nr7 must’ve fallen asleep with TV on (even now at 23.15!). I set to making the salmon salad and coffee. Ate. Ran water un-abashedly, in return for last night’s inconsideration. And now? Fan on full. 28,5*! PLEASE NO 30! KHRNY on the air. Time for me to decide between a drink or aspirin (or both) and HOPE for sleep (as that yipping shit-dog yelps in the back yard at 23.20! I’ll consider calling a complaint to the police soon… in return for being called “faggot”. Then again, rent for June us going to be considerably late. I might save the “faggot” issue for that.) IF there’s hot water, I just might shower. But for now? That’s this day done.

27.May:
(PostTime: 11.58) 2 alarms and 2 hrs more. Difficult sleep. Difficult wake. Nr7 TV after mid-night. Heat. Now? Bowels. And running late. And driving into The City. Here we go.
(PostTime: 21.34) The drive into The City went VERY well (despite my one minor error in LIC. Ani tahiti b’derech!). Found parking a half-block away (71/Lex), 1$ on the meter! The drive back was a bit. A truck. NOISE! And the car was hot. But… I got us to MetroAv. I’m knowing my new boro! It amazes me. Only 2 yrs and I drive about comfortably! We stopped at Catalano’s for cookies and canollis. They got one for me too. “Linner” (Ev’s lunch-dinner word) at Metro Diner. MUCH FOOD! And good. 40$ for 3 and I forced, I think Moe too. Ev brought home. – I went to Peppino’s just to see. Empty. He’s moved. I hope he’s well and happy. I miss him a bit. – When we got back to 90-60 a lightning storm came in over The City! BEAUTIFUL! Ev insisted that I wait it out, have my canolli and coffee. Planned many days of work in June. Then, they had to go out to shiva inlthe bldg. and she said I could wait inlthe house, lock-up when the storm passed. But I insisted on leaving and Moe gave me an umbrella. They trust me in their home! – Missed the rain (and the storm) all the way back. And now, coffee water and KHRNY on. When coffee’s done, I believe I will be too. HOPEFULLY I’LL BE ABLE TO SLEEP TONIGHT! – (Pd 105. Not the rent. But you know? Ms.D. doesn’t maintain the house, nor keep peace. There’s the “faggot” issue still. The rent gets paid when I get it! Even now I have anxiety about thumping and the TV I heard until midnight and hear now, and that yip from her little dog. So? So!) – Water’s on the boil. Lorraine’s stirring about. It must be time for “normal” people to sleep… the retards are stirring about. I NEED to find SOME peace for the next 90 days or so. I DO deserve that much.

28.May:
(PostTime: 7.12) OK. I… am awake. Wel… I’m sitting up. Yes, there is definitely a disorder. The difficulty falling asleep at night. Associated with the concern of being rudely awakened during the night. THIS MUST be addressed. Meanwhile, KHRNY is in “party mode”. I am not. – Plans? Tilden. Barbara. Maybe Tretter. Forecast is rain. Through the wk-end. Hey, I did ask for it. No sandfleas. And a 3-day wk-end: Memorial Day on Monday. Oh, jolly. – There’s a “Montreal” deli in Boerum Hill. “Mile End”. They claim to serve poutine and smoked meat. I wonder if they speak French. Will have to try it. Perhaps one day in the wk-end. – T-shirts, art, sketches. Stuff to do. – Off to the loo. – The Dallmayr “Afrikan” coffee is lousy. Oh well. – There’s a day ahead here. May as well put up with it.
(PostTime: 19.51) Dinner done. Dishes done. Day is done. Shabbat in 20 minutes. The shit is yelling in the hall. Thumping on the wall. The “holiday” begins. And I’m in NO mood.
But… rode out to Tilden this morning. Nobody there. Back on the bus with Willie. That was nice. Changed flipflops to sneakers, bowl of cereal and out to Bob and Barbara for almost 4 hours. Bob looks good. Barbara looks tired. The CT was neg. They think he may have had a stroke a while back. Inconclusive all round. But I’ll be there x3 days in 2 weeks. A conflict with Moe and Ev. But Barbara needs this time. And I could use the income.
And so, I stopped at Key Food for meat and such. No vodka this time. I want to get out of here on the wk-end. One drink, a beer here. Hopefully it will help me sleep tonight.
E-mail from R.Lewis too! Cheerie. Light. Good seeing from her. I replied.
Meanwhile, the radio is drowning the thumping from 7, the yelling in the halls. I’ll amuse me for a while, hope for sleep by 22h latest. Tomorrow? Tilden.
It’s going to be a difficult wk-end. And if the present racket is any indication the police WILL be called.
Nr7 told me that he had to apologise tolthe people he disturbed that Sat.nite. I didn’t get an apology so… I give none and when I complain, it won’t be kept in the house!

29.May:
(PostTime: 9.15) By about 20.30 last night, the light went out. I decided to TRY for some rest… a nap. Just to see IF I could sleep. Unrestful, I laid in the dark, radio on. Nr7 decided to start arranging or something and it went on ALL through the night. Then, visiting about in the hall. Thumping. Door-slamming. At 2.10 this morning, he’s at Nr4, in the hall: “Fk that!” and chatting. Woke me from sleep. I checked the time. Dozed back off to wake at 7.30 to my alarm. – 8.25 Ms.Moron5 scratches the wall. 8.45 Moron7 plays with something on his wall. 8.55 and his TV is on. I want to kill all of them. But, it all gives me NO incentive to concern myself with tardy rent payments. Let it go to court. If it wasn’t Shabbat, I’d’ve been on the phone to Miller at 2h this morning. This place is running down the shitter quicker than a full flush and I’m fed-up.
Rain all through today’s forecast. I really must get away from here today. Bus to Tilden. No doubt.
Googled for Shongum refs. MY SPLITROCK from WordPress came up! When I think of the acetates, the photos, the refs, the WORK! The anger, the hate, the bitterness, the madness. It’s SO INTERNALISED at this point. It’s become cellular, molecular. It will NEVER leave me. (9.06 Nr7 is hammering!) THIS is what will disperse into Creation, this Energy, when this body disintegrates. Like a black cloud to kill the light, darken lives, suck the air from their lungs, like acid in their eyes burning them into blindness, a maddening shriek in their ears to pierce their ear-drums. But NEVER to allow them the Peace of Death. THIS will be THEIR legacy.
I NEED to get out of here… Out of this house, for now, this morning… Out if this Creation, forever, soon.
(9.14 and BOTH sides: 5 AND 7 SIMULTANEOUSLY!WTF?)
(PostTime: 19.14) First “I’M NOT LATE I’M ON ROCKAWAY TIME” t-shirt done! Stenciled. Hanging to dry.
Yes, I took the bus to Tilden this afternoon. And back.
Spent time w/Penelope. Did no art. We walked to the beach. I know why… She’s tracking her Jose. She wants SO to see him. He’s attractive until you know about him. Then he’s nasty. But he’s her spark now. So let her enjoy her crush, her phantasie.
Geoff was in the studio as we were leaving. Very OK talking with me. I can’t figure him. But I shouldn’t try.
Penelope says I should go for the bio/such/Yuri’s project. If anybody comes along (the Nbg.3) they’ll make the trip, I tell them to fk themselves and go about my business. Meanwhile I come back, maybe even mych better IN SPITE OF and WITH-OUT them. So maybe she’s right. Die a well-known artist.
The weather kept the crowds away for today. Right now it’s cool and the day HAS BEEN CALM. I dread tonight.
KHRNY all through.
(PostTime: 22.49) KHRNY has that disc that skips going again! So maybe that’ll knock me into sleep. Moron7 seems to have passed-out (after a shout in the hall, bang in his room). And I napped from 20-21h. Had my 2 aspirin w/an ale. It’s very warm in here.
Looking for photo-inspirations, I went: Shawangunk, Maratanza, Awosting, Peterskill. THE PICTURES I HAD THAT ARE GONE! AND THE PICTURES OF MT. BEACON! The climbing I did for so many of those shots! Summer heat; waist-deep snow in Winter. GONE!
This Hate will never leave.
Today, Penelope said: “You used to draw so much. Then you suddenly stopped. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong.”
(PostTime: 23.04)
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray, the Lord, my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake
I pray, the Lord, my soul to take.
If I should live another day
I pray, the Lord to bless that day.
Yeah. Right.

30.May:
(PostTime: 8.43) DREAM: Frag:
I don’t recall what preceded, but it’s understood that Moe had complained that I wasn’t giving him enough time, was arriving late (I seldom arr’d 5mins late) and being paid for time not on duty. – I was en route to a female pt. to cover for another Nurse who had to take time off. Ev was following me, on the street. We were arguing. I turned to her: “It really doesn’t make any diff. if I’m there or not when you think about it. He’s not satisfied with my work or what I do for him anyway. So if I’m there or if I’m not, it’s all the same. So, right now I have to get to my next pt. It doesn’t matter. Right?” She looked confused, tried to re-assure me that my time was appreciated and my attendance was perfect.
The female: Heavy. Open lesions on legs. Dressings. Foul odour. The Primary told me she irrigates the wounds with Hibicleanse so she doesn’t have to touch anything. But I didn’t have any Hibicleanse and was trying to figure a way to cleanse the site with something else, with minimal contact. There were no supplies provided so I’d need to use what I had: some Cling, peroxide, tape, gloves.
Leaving Ev just standing there… I woke.
(PostTime: 8.57) Last night, lights out about 24h. Yes; what keeps me from falling asleep, in spite of fatigue, is Antcipatory Anxiety. I anticipate being rudely and boldly awakened from sleep by noise from 5 or 7. It’s just like being in The Shelter again! I start to drift off and suddenly come out of the hypnogogia (sp?). Last night, I resorted to the old method of distraction: paternal rape/humiliation. It worked. It almost always has… for some 42yrs. (Why does the nr.42 evoke Monticello, Lillian… RR Box 42?!) – Well, slept approx. 7hrs. plus 1hr. nap. Having coffee. Man/ped done. Will trim beard/shave. Partly sunny forecast. HOT! Tilden. Penelope. Shirl. – I NEED to wash bed-linens.
(PostTime: 20.11) Dinner, desser, dishes, done. 28,5* in here. I’m making hard-boiled eggs. Penelope mentioned them and the mood stuck.
THE HOLIDAY WK-END HAS DARKENED THE BEACHES! Even Tilden was MOBBED at 18h! Garbage over-flowing! BREEDERS! WHAT A BLOODYFRIGGIN SHAME! B116 packed as I came from Waldbaum’s (which was surprisingly empty… thankfully). And I NEED to move West or go back to The Bronx. If I can’t enjoy the beach, can’t live in peace (5 & 7), better to not be here.
And an afternoon-to-evening at Tilden. Penelope worked. Shirl worked. I admitted defeat on the Tululah sketch.
Dennis-the-Birdman from BC (“Venice of NY” he called it) made a disparaging reference to RockPark: “affordable” or “economical” or something of the sort. Not that it’s not so. Just the condescending tone. Mr. Swamp Island in his muck-land wood shack. Well?
Shirl dropped me at Waldbaum’s. I bought franks, eggs, ice cream. No beer. They’ve got domestic crap: Coors, Bud, Corona. And no vodka. Should be an interesting sleepless night tonight. I’ll call 311 and complain if so. No bullshit from 7 or 5.
I’m out of sorts. Not sure why. Money, maybe? Probably. Still… out of sorts. Generally angry. No particular cause.
(PostTime: 20.26) I think our power’s been cut-back. Can’t get a pot of water to the boil, fan seems slower, light a little dimmer. The City or the whore? I’m fed-up, generally speaking.
KHRNY went religious for a while. It was AWFUL! “haShem I can’t wait for the day” was the tune! I almost changed the station.
Yuri came by T6 to talk with Shirl today. I don’t know why but something about him annoys me. Nothing certain. Just does. And he’s pleasant enough. Oh well.
Some woman, member of Derech Emunoh, living off Beth El (I gave her quite an ear-full about THEM!) came by and chewed our ears to shreds about ALL topics.
Bottom line? Arse7 just came into the hall, yelling and banging. Next will be the wall, I’m certain. And the day is done. I’ve accomplished nithing with it. Though I wore the “Rockaway Time” shirt. It dudn’t make a big impression. Oh well. (TV’s on in 7. Here we go! Next, I suspect, will be the drunks on the porch, the spics in the yard, the Blackwater do. And I’ve got ONE shot of vodka and aspirin for the nught. Lettuce hope.
(PostTime: 22.06) 21.54 I hear the phone in 7. Now I know he and Lorraine can hear mine at 5.30! 21.56 Lorraine is scratching on the wall. – Tomorrow? My alarms are set for 5.30 and 5.45! – E-mail fm Eduardo. Am I working tomorrow? No. But I’m going to the beach in the morning and Tilden at 11. Nothing more. Aside from the fact that this room is TRULY filthy (and I truly don’t care to clean), and I extend no invites in, I extend no more invites to him. Been there; done that; no acceptances; no more. – Now? TRY to sleep. Still 28,5* in here. – Sunrise at 5.26. High tide at 11.01. – KHRNY gone talk. Strange programme. Hopefully ’twill lull. – Off to more wack dreams(?).

31.May:
(PostTime: 6.03) Did it (so far)! AWAKE AT SUN-RISE! Weather report says it’s clear and already 21*. Now, beach at 7.30-9.30 (8-10). Tilden early. A “Holiday Day”. And, as Penelope would tell, nobody else to have to consider. MY day.
Last night/this morning, maybe 1.30/2h, I don’t know if it was a broadcast on the radio or an intercepted communique from JFK: Air traffic control telling somebody “You are in violation of…”. It sounded more like an intercepted communique. I wonder if some air-craft tried to fly into JFK this morning or if some small plane was buzzing along the beach… holiday idiots en route to The Hamptons or Montauk. If it was something, I’m sure it’ll make the news.
Other-wise, I’m on sched for the day.
(PostTime: 10.23) The “warning” on the radio that woke me this morning was a broadcast of radio xmission from the Israelis to some ships trying to get into Aza. No threats to Rockaway.
Just back from 2hrs on the beach. Must remember to get the early morning. By 10h the sand-fleas arrive.
2 “hahdberld” eggs. A coffer. Shower. Tilden. Tah dah.
(PostTime: 21.23) Let’s begin with an end: As of now, it’s no longer a matter of affording the rent; rm7 is FULL of beer empties! I can HEAR them clanking. And I’m tired of him falling into the wall at all hours. AND 5 with her scratching! I SHOULD have taken the held rent and GONE! So NOW? Let’s see where this leads. SAVE this month! OUT! ENOUGH! I MUST NOT LIVE MY 90 days like this! And I WILL NOT!
(PostTime: 21.49) Tilden today: HOURS of no art-work. But very pleasant. Good thing I got to the beach this morning. Tilden was mobbed! Then, the wind came off the ocean and it got entirely too cool for sun or sea. But perfect for just being there. I passed some time deconstructing a baseball. MUCH STRING, 2 layers rubber, little cork ball in centre. – Penelope entertained 2 friends with Tony. Brian came with his daughter. Penelope left with them (Brian and daughter) to attend a cook-out. Shirl and I stayed behind with Cody, in T7 where Shirl worked on Maggie’s chair. I assisted a bit. And we talked: religion, psych, RAA politics. SO MUCH FUN! And a thunder storm with rainbow! – Time to leave (19.30). We lock up, get tolthe car and I notice the window is open in T7! Shirl suggests I climb in, lock window, leave via back door. SO? Up I climb (pulled my left groin a bit). In all the time I’d lived in the Bakfort, and COULD have gotten into T7, I never did. Here I was, climbing in. Well, deed done. We got a good laugh. – Then came the matter of the “paint job” on the bus. Sunday is an opening. We joked about P. mentioning what a wonderful job we did just because she meant it but not thinking of the trouble we’d be in. Came the line: You tell and your duck (sculpture) will never quack! We laughed! – Shirl drove me to the house. In by about 20.15. Franks for dinner. Dishes done. – Balanced the cheque-book. I’ll pay cash-fare tomorrow. Need to deposit the cheque I have. Was supposed to do that today. Tonight will take 4 hrs. there and back. Tomorrow, Moe at 11h. Banque before. Next MetroCard will end on Tuesday. Cigs? Need them. Enough for tomorrow. After work, it’s going to be interesting: getting to S.Ozone then to Rockaway. But, new day, new month. I’ll figure something. – Meanwhile, shower. 7 is howling, TV mumbling through the wall. 5? Nothing at the moment. But that will change. Me? I WANT a shower before bed. SCREW THE HELL OUT OF THE REST OF THEM ALL!