April 2010

April 2010

1.Apr:
*NOTHING*

2.Apr:
(PostTime: 5.39) Some people leave behind the most ornate granite structures, erected over a bit if this planet, where others can, and may go to visit and remember, if that is what they so choose.

Me? I am scattered about the ether, on electronic boxes called “Servers” that now serve to prolong my existence even after my presence has ended, my being (and my Being) have expired. My remains are digital. I am 21st Century, algorhythms and logorhythms, or something if that sort. I am, I remain intangible. But I can be found, scattered about Creation, brought back on LED/LCD, WiFi, WAP and what-ever technology is to come.

I died a very long while ago. I will depart in short course. But I will remain, fragmented.

You may choose to “visit” me in binary codes, or at the shores of oceans, or in snow-falls, moon-light, cold Winter winds. You may choose.

Or, you may choose none of these. You may choose to wipe me from your memory altogether. That would be best. But I choose to keep your existence in continuation, here, in my cyber-tomb. All of you: who gave me Heaven and who gave me Hell. You will be scattered here, with me so that those who know you and those who have known you will see how you contributed to the existence of another Being.

This is my Peace, my Legacy. This is your Inheritance.

3.Apr:
*NOTHING*
4.Apr:
*NOTHING*
5.Apr:
*NOTHING*

6.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.34) How strange; if I didn’t know better, that life does not gift our plans and desires, I would say that, in accord with my intentions and hopes, my body/system is closing-down this year. Daily, I’m shrouded in pains through-out and all round. My vision worsens, my teeth are loosening, my back is in spasm, my intestines cramp. So many symptoms.
I’m not depressed. I am chronicly fatigued.
I’m not fearful. I am exhausted.
There are still things I’d like to accomplish. But not accomplishing them doesn’t truly matter. I’m trying portraits. They’re not very good. They pass the time.
(PostTime: 8.42) I spend my “working” hours caring for others. Some truly need help while others truly do not. I provide company for some, aid to others. And when I could use, and would accept some gesture of help, aid, support, I lie in bed, pull the blue DHS fleece up under my chin, and try to sleep until the need passes. There is no one. There never was. There never will be.
I am not depressed. It’s been this way. This is my “normalcy”. It can be no other way.
Still, today, I am in such general pain that a day to/for my-self would be quite nice. It will not be. I cannot afford it. I am ready to “go”, but will not be uncomfortable/homeless until that time. So? I work, providing support yo others.
It’s OK.
(PostTime: 22.11) Went shopping at BJ’s w/Moe and Ev today. I drove: Woodhaven and Metropolitan. Wow. Driving again. It’s rather nice. Anyway, they both thanked me profusely. And, as I do, I said:
Are you truly happy with the day’s events?
When they both confirmed I said:
Don’t thank me. Thank my Mum.
I don’t want to be remembered as a good person. I don’t want to be remembered as a nasty perdon. I don’t want to be remembered. I just want to go painlessly, in peace.

7.Apr:
(PostTime: 7.13) 1. I came out here to cross waters to get away, to leave it all behind. I speak with no-one, and no-one speaks with me (save at RAA). I am at the end of the land where the open sea spreads before me. The end of land. The end of time.
2. Must get along and out of Bedlam. The residents here are not of the caliber I can tolerate. Shame. But with only about 5 months left, I will find PEACE before my Grand Peace.
3. The tooth is broken and loose. Can’t afford to have it taken care of. Will have to do it my-self. Typical.
But? I woke before the alarms to quiet. A miserably hot day in the forecast. Summer is inevitable. I’m at 172 and look my age. Oh well.
Quick nap. Shower. Work.
(PostTime: 8.35) These days, I am sketching portraits. Faces. They look like faces. Somebody’s faces. Not the faces of the men who they are supposed to be. But they are faces, none-the-less.
I don’t like people. I don’t enjoy drawing them. But I will train this brain, and these hands. They will draw these people. I CAN draw people. Not because I like them, but because I can.
It is, perhaps, the last thing I will learn… on my own, with-out help… again.
(PostTime: 8.43) How odd? Sitting on this bus, the man behind listening to CBS-FM. Songs from years when being in The City (TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW. SISTER ROSE. DENNIS NIXON. But how strange: thr PAIN of remembering is gone. Dead.) was an adventure, a thrill, an escape. And this morning, I ride across the bay, across Broad Channel, en route to another day of work And instead of staring out the window in amazement and joy, I journal.
Dead.
(PostTime: 16.17) Just back from the beach from since 14.00. At 13.00 it was 25*! The thought of seeing 30* actually frightens me. The memories of Riverdale, walking, starving and thirsty, walking to stay away, walking with no-where to go, walking aimlessly, needing sleep, walking, sweating, in pain, with nothing to my name (Cyndi! Joe! Tony! and the others), aimlessly walking, just walking, (Jim!), alone… alone… alone. Too fresh. Scars.
But I got back to Bedlam, threw on my shorts, grabbed the Brighton bag, bolted to the beach.
Already, too many intruders. Too much garbage. People are disrespectful trash. But there was a salt crust that kept the sand down in the wind.
I opened the white sheet (DHS) and put down the white towel (DHS) and laid to rest with the sound of the ocean that will take me away in 145 days.
Cooking. Will eat.
Gingervodka-pommegranate juice. Very good!
Need cigarettes and dessert. Later.
Waiting for the “tan” to rise.
(PostTime: 21.29) Showered. Dressed. Flip-flops! Bus to RockBlvd Rite Aid for cigs and 3 Muskateers on sale. Made it to the bus back immediately! Crossing the bay at sun-set is always so wonderful. Such beauty! Tonight I noticed who far to the North it sets at this season. In Winter, it’s about directly out-side the bus windows. Now? You have to look back coming out of Howard Beach. Still, it’s a gift to the soul.
Almost forgot to mention: Got the 21 home from work. Jimmy was driving! It’s been AGES! When I first started getting his bus in the morning, I was coming in from the Shelter and getting the 41. Then I moved out here and didn’t see him anymore. He’s obnoxious, but he’s short. It’s a “short folks” thing. But he’s refreshingly blunt. So I rather enjoy talking with him.
So now? KHRNY/Kol haShalom is on the radio again. But they’re broadcasting chants. Still, it’s nice. Makes me miss Town & Village and CSAIR. It’s been too long since I went to services.
It’s 27* in here tonight. It’s only April! Summer will be brutal! Hopefully I won’t be in this house. Even now I’ve got Lorraine running water and thumping on the wall; Phil is yelling in the hall; smoke alarm next-door. I don’t deserve this. I truly don’t.
But this is what I have: a room, clothes, food, a few books, and I do have a door-key. Life may be very similar to the Shelter, but it isn’t the Shelter. Tonight the ceiling fan cools me and I can lay atop the bed… naked, if I so choose.
But you know? I miss Rey, George, Kendal, Rick, Keith, Rich, Tony Muscle, Charles, Kalib and of course Charlie. Even Mark/Budah. There’s still nobody to talk about LIFE with.
Schmulik is out of contact. No e-mails. But I’ve gone tired of akways meeting him at his convenience. And he has Chris. So… This is how it is.
Now? To try for enough sleep. Another very long day coming tomorrow. It’s difficult here. Very difficult.
All I’ve ever wanted is PEACE… SHALOM!

8.Apr:
(PostTime: 6.36) 26,5* (deg.) in here this morning. My head is about to burst. I need to pull this wisdom tooth. Nobidy’s minding the KHRNY broadcast. The recording is skipping for the past half hour. I’m on my 3rd cig since 5.00. The birds are chirping already. And the gulls are squawking. The shuttle just left. Morning.
The only results of 2hrs. on the beach: no colour – just the heat.
Am almost finished with “Einstein’s God”. Great book. Kids today are very fortunate: they have the opportunity to explore the essence of a God. We had only religion/theology and brainwashing. An entity bent on punishment, revenge, and damnation. How sad for us. How difficult to break clean from all of that. But it’s happening for me, on a conscious level. There’s still work to be done on the internalised constructs.
I can’t necessarily buy the happenstance existentialism theory that, well, sh!t happens and here we are. But I can accept that humanity certainly isn’t the “top of the line”, the “end of the evolutionary line”, the truly “intelligent species”. Especially when I hear a recording skipping on the radio for over an hour, living next-door to an inconsiderate b!tch, read of gangs. And still, in medicine/biology, we have cancerous cells; in humanity, we have cancerous beings. It’s all part of the control over the numbers/population of the Earth. In a perfect situation, the control would be non-tragic. It would simply be.
God? Call it what-ever. “God” is the only word we have at present. Something must have started all of this. But I question: for what purpose; is there a purpose; must there be a purpose; why should there be a purpose?
If consideration of/for other is evolutionary, we have a long way to go yet.
The air smells of sh!t this morning. The tx plant on B105? Something in the plumbing fm. Nr.7? Did somebody dump in the hall? Olfactory malfunction?
This morning is going too quickly. It will be a long day of work. I’d much rather stroll thr Fort, sketch, sit at the beach, go to Shongum.
Creation is not what we’d rather.
(PostTime: 6.51) Before I even actually woke this morning, anger flooded my veins. The memory of what is gone: all of my music, YEARS of collecting and reconstructing; the books; the art. That she/they could just let it go so simply, so easily, no guilt, no pain, no discomfort, no thought, no consideration. I can’t understand the hatred that could motivate such actions. Unprovoked. Undeserved. I did everything I possibly could for them. They weren’t my responsibility to the extent that I did and gave. But I did with-out grudge. This is what they do in return. I simply cannot comprehend their hatred.
Margot kept telling me that I must let it go; that it’s destroying me, eating me away. She was right, of course. I need to stop trying to explain it. Even if I asked them directly, I’d get no suitable answer. But it won’t go away. This mind of mine always seeks answers, reasons, closure.
Creation doesn’t always consist of such things. And, unfortunately, there will never be completion of so very much. It will be, until death, and then remain incomplete.
(PostTime: 8.55) Typical:
Woke on time. Got my extra snooze. All went well until…
I have to fix the spout on the sink! I USED TO have the tools for that.
I SHOULD be able to trust the super to do it, but I certainly can’t.
It better not cost ME to repair!
On the bus. Running late. The damned thing is packed. My bowels want to burst. My eyes feel dry.
Got a cryptic e-mail fm Schmulik.
But isn’t it just a lovely day?
NOT!
(PostTime: 12.38) I ask my-self these days: Why wear the kippa and tzitzit? Tradition? Yes. Of course. Mama said we’re Jews, and as such, I follow the traditions of our people, her people. Even though some of “our” people choose to deny my association. But there are implications… of a belief in a God, a manifestation of a God I cannot believe in.
Still, I don’t want to be mistaken for a non-Jew and these things are my insurance that, should something happen, I will be recognised as one of my Mother’s people and carry her teachings, beliefs and traditions… no matter what.
(PostTime: 20.14) Q21 Jamaica Av. Quite a day. PB was in good mood. Breaks my heart: he said he doesn’t like being alone. What a sad commentary on humanity. But, as Ev pointed out, he can probably well afford extended home svce. Well…
Spent the after-noon w/Moe and Ev. Moe went for chest xray/bone density in the building where I got my cert! Premier! Too funny. I drove.
Odd, this boro is beginning to make sense. It’s becoming familiar. I was thinking, en route to Moe: No-one would ever think of me being here. Now? I am truly away from those whom I miss not at all snd am happiest with-out.
So, they took me to lunch. A HUGE order of Cajun fries (and a Coke). I’m still stuffed. Then to Home Depot: 3 large potted geraniums for the terrace. They’re so happy. Me too. I’m enjoying the driving, and getting to know the boro.
They’re talking a couple of weeks in Ct. this Summer and me driving. (Summer will end by Aug.) I’m considering, seriously. If I don’t drive them, they won’t go. Not fair to them. Honestly. We’ll see.
Now? At Pitkin. 20.11. It got cooler suddenly. Still have to get through Lindenwood before home. But… it’s OK. Too bad I have to be so fkng anxious about noise into the night. But this month is belt-tightening in prep to MOVE.
Night falls. Another day almost done on a bus that drops me at the door.
(PostTime: 21.34) I can’t believe I repaired the tap with electric tape! ME! Who always did these things with the proper equipment. But, thanks to Moe, I borrowed a pliers (should have used a wrench) and instead of a washer, rigged with tape. No more leak.
I HAD A TOOL-BOX! I HAD TOOLS! I HAVE… NONE OF IT! I hope she’s in pain as I remember this. And I’m certainly not feeling guilt because of such hope.
And, of course, Lorraine’s thumping on my wall and there’s TV on the other side. But Nr.7 really isn’t all too bad. Hey! I believe he goes to work. Still, I need somewhere peaceful.
Schmulik wants to know “See you soon?” Says nobody whispers sweet words in his ear “anymore”.
See me soon? When you can make it out here. Sorry. I’m fed-up with running to The City or to Brooklyn. The trains run from there to here as well (?) as they run from here to there. I’ve done all the running at others’ convenience. No more.
(Hatikva om the radio again. KHRNY is still on the religious music tonight. And not clear. But I found 88,7fm isn’t KHRNY in Kew Gardens. Strange broadcast, them. And now Adon Olam. Hmmmm. A message to me? Shabbat at schul maybe?)
No sweet words? It comes to that; doesn’t it? But he’s had what, 7 years? I averaged 3. And only TWICE in my entire life did I end anything. (Sorry Bruce. Not, Bradshaw.) I’m just as content being with-out the changes and such. Still, it’s probably more dufficult for him… Not his Home Nation and such. Ah well. There’s much I don’t know and probably never will.
On this… make coffee, finish my small drink, hope for sleep.

9.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.36) Friday. Rain. Rainy forecast. WOW! Is my body in pain this morning! Temples. Sinuses. Stomach. Bowels. Even my legs. I had to lean on the wall coming down the stairs this morning. Old, old age. I still think this old thing is shutting-down. Well? Soon.
Pay for 12 hours of crap last week was just 80plus. 12 hours of enjoying work, being appreciated was 120. There is always hell when we permit it. I feel no guilt about calling-out those 2 days. I bust my nuts for these ingrates and receive absolute abuse in return. Better to receive nothing. So, I focus on and look forward to those who appreciate in any way. M&E for example.
So, Friday. 3hrs. w/PB this morning and that’s that. Solo wk-end. Not much food in the place. I need to start MAJOR saving this month. Good thing I’m 172lb. There’s FAT to live off for a bit.
And the rent’s paid. Phone’s paid. Got cigs. No vodka. But I don’t want any anyway. So what’s the bitch? None.
Rock Blvd. Almost there. Dep. to TD this morning! That’s good.
Still, my body feels as if I’d been beaten. Hmmmm..
(And I hate this phone! It should be MUCH better for the pricem Chinese sh!t.)
(PostTime: 15.44) Q53 to The Rock.
Shopped today:
Marshall’s. Met Mary T. Had planned to drop by to see her. Bought Dolmayer coffee for Steven!
Model’s. Amy was miraculous. I now have new Adidas for work. No more leaky sneakers! AND Speedo trunkd 20 bucks.
Leaving BC. More later.

10.Apr:
(PostTime: 10.04) How about this; last night’s dinner was fried chicken and collards. Not since Norwood have I had that! I guess I was in such good spirits because PB was in good mood, the shopping experience was so good, that I was hungry when I got back. I’d actually gone to Waldbaum’s for dessert but, as it turned out, came out with chicken and collards… and no dessert. Got a bottle too. Wasn’t going to do that, but you know? Why not?
So, last night, one of the bater guys sent me an e-mail because he’s interested in stim. I put my e-mail addr. on Twtr. A leap. But it turned out OK. What a damned shame Joe’s in Atlanta. Oh well.
I wonder now, about the 2 I used to be in touch with on The Island. Michael would be fun to see again. I wonder if he was pleased with going back to Al. And the stim guy whose name I can’t recall. Married but luved stimming with men. (How many married men did I meet over the years? I wonder if they’re still married. The big one I’d like to meet again is JAC119! My first performance of a rim-job… to “Bless the Beasts and the Children” Karen Carpenter. Imagine? What a memory.)
Anyway, stayed up much later thsn planned. But so be it.
(PostTime: 10.19) Rudely awakened this morning at 4.20 by the plodding sounds from up-stairs AGAIN! I wonder if Denise put Helene back in there. When Nr.7 got rented, they were using that (14-15) for storage. But I can’t help but think D. would put H. back in there out of spite. Neither one of them is intelligent or mature. Why D. is so hateful toward me, I couldn’t say. I’ve done nothing to her. But WTF really.
Oh. THIS is such fun: when Nr.7 runs water in his sink I hear it draining through my sink. It’s not that I mind so much. I wonder what a bldg. inspector would have to report on the plumbing coming through this way. Hmmmm?
So. This morning when I woke at about 9h. it was 18,5 deg. in here. (I had a huge Farina for bkfst and brought the temp up to 21,5.)
Now, at 10.15h I’m a bit under the 3 drinks of last night. The wind is blowing heavily. KHRNY has been on the air ALL through the night and is running the usual repeat programming (but I’m loving the Hebrew). I’ll maybe stroll out to the Fort later. But for now? I’m going to do what Shabbat is for: rest, relax, recuperate… and hope for QUIET!
(PostTime: 11.18) I’ve been reading some if the earlier entries.
.It’s THREE YEARS this month that I got my CHHA.
.It’s THREE YEARS of Rockaway.
.It’s THREE YEARS of being denied sleep at night. Actually, it’s been A LOT MORE because it began when I left Norwood and has been constant since then.
HOW THE F\/C|< AM I SURVIVING THIS? Sleep deprivation. Malnutrition. Stress.
It truly IS time to just toss the ethics, morals and the rest ig the bunk. Living the "caring and cincerned life" has had no rewards. Well, 3 years ago I determined to come to Rockaway and, well, here I am. I got what I wanted. But HOW did SLL the S|-|!T manage to follow me?
I NEED TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SOUL! (How? Not sure. BUT LIFE CHANGES AS OF TODAY! YOUBETCHA!)
(PostTime: 20.48) Another entire day in. Mostly sleeping. Resting on Shabbat indeed.
Over-heard Lorraine and Phil talking in the hall earlier. Phil is looking for a new place. The house and neighbourhood are going to s|-|it, as he puts it. Hmmm. Gee. So who’s got all the crap on the front porch? Who yells in the hall? Who’s burning incense, open, in the hall? Gee. I wonder.
Lorraine says all she needs to walk is Aleve. Physical Therapists pushed her too hard. She knows best what to do.
Me? I washed under-things. Napped. Cleaned the top of the dresser. Stimmed (accompanied though). Fried chicken and eggs for dinner. Still need to do the dishes.
I can’t believe the day is gone already. Need cigs.
Nice: 7’s banging now.
There was some stepping up-stairs during the day. But nothing too note-worthy. Let’s see what sleep-hours bring.
AhHah… water running in 5. Time for me to do the dishes, take a shower, rest for an early out-of-this-trap tomorrow.
Another Saturday…
(PostTime: 20.52) But, as I think about it in respect to what I read about this month 3 years ago, this wasn’t so bad. I didn’t HAVE to leave AND I got sleep AND I cooked a hot meal.
How ’bout THAT?

11.Apr:
(PostTime: 20.22) I didn’t check the calendar today: Yom haShoah. I probably should have been at some special services some-where but I didn’t know until I heard it on KHRNY as I fixed dinner this evening. But there’s this fact that bugs me anyway: The bet din experience. Besides, for the Ashkenazim, we remember every day. At least I do. Leave the attention-grabbing to the adook. They need to remember how many perished as they kept Tradition as they, the adook, shove us, who are not “up to THEIR standards” away and try, with their every breath, to deny us.
I know my history. I remember.
But, I got up about 7h and took the morning rather easy. About 11h got the bus to Rock Blvd. for cigs. (Got a pack for Penelope too. Misty.) Then to Modells where I tried on a large bathing trunks.
WOAH! MY GUT HANGS OVER THE WAIST! I’VE GOT FAT! UGLY OLD MAN!
The large is too large so I’ve kept the mediums.
Got the 21 back to Bedlam to drop off what I didn’t want to schlep to The Fort. It was a very warm day. I should have done flip-flops but was prepared to bunker. Silly me.
So. At T4 I gave Penelope the cigs. She refused to accept them! Told me to bring them back. (I put them into her tool-box while she was out of T6. I don’t want them and I won’t bring them back. I want her to have them.)
Shirl was at T6 workinglon Margaret. When she took a break for lunch I showed her my portrait sketches. SHE RECOGNISED PERCY IMMEDIATELY! Her favourite was my fave-to-date: Nr.7. She said they’re very good. Encouraging and greatly appreciated since I highly value her opinion.
RAA was taking works for next Sunday’s opening. Once again, I’m not exhibiting. I MUST get something in a show, make money, get the f\/c|< out of this house! It's getting WORSE than the Shelter! (When I actually think of going to the Shelter to relax for a night, it's time to LEAVE!)
When we left The Fort, Shirl and I walked the beach through Riis and grabbed the 35. The walk was wonderful. She's SO brilliant and fun to be with.
(PostTime: 20.38) She (Shirl) has medical trouble that she talks about with Penelope but not with me. I don’t let on that I’m aware, but I hope with all that it can be corrected 100% with little involvement. Shirl is wonderful people and shouldn’t suffer. As it is, she didn’t drive out today because her meds are making her “dizzy” (said Penelope).
I got her to the 53 and I went to Waldbaum’s. Chicken legs/thighs for the next few nights, ice cream (almost gone already). Came in, cooked, ate, did dishes, coffee’s done for tomorrow morning.
Sent my phone nr. to Shirl: 07.15.
It’s been HELL here this evening! BANGING. PLODDING. LOUD RADIO. BEDLAM! And I do believe Helene’s back up there. IT IS TIME TO GO! Now, I have to start cutting back on spending: Austerity Budget. MUST get enough together and GET OUT!
My last months will NOT be HELL! But the rubber mallet had come in quite handy… THUMP! as it hits the floor. As I put up wuth the noise, the noise will go down-stairs as well.
At this moment, I can just hear the TV in Nr.7,. and Lorraine’s at her usual. Nr.7’s usually good about lowering by about 21h. Lorraine asks for s|-|it and lately, I oblige.
KHRNY’s playing great music this evening, through static. I’ll have to make certain I can get the station where-ever I move to.

12.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.41) Dear Debt Collectors:
One of you is going for an amount that is MORE THAN DOUBLE my ANNUAL TOTAL income PRE-TAX.
Another of you wants what is a hefty down-payment on a very luxurious house in a very desireable neighbourhood. This, on a bill I’ve NEVER received and SHOULD have gone to Medicaid first (but apparentlu never did… Not my fault.)
A third one expects me to pay-off in installments whilst interest accrues DAILY.
All I can do at this point is laugh. It’ SO ludicrous.
I’m 55 years of age.
Minor complications in my existence are:
.a broken wisdom tooth that digs inyo my cheek-flesh
.several other broken teeth that prohibit proper food intake (inability to chew)
.probable ulcerations of the intestines (possible Chron’s)
.diminishing eye-sight
.constant head-aches
.lower back deterioration
Just to name a few items.
Sweeties, I won’t be around much past the month of August this year. That’s my own determination and you and yours have a LOT to do eith that. So… I strongly suggest that you NOT jump to conclude that your business success will include riding my corpse to the banque.
I expect you to pull the common shit: garnishee, freezing accounts, maybe showing ip at the door. That only supports my determination to check-out of this world on MY terms and at MY convenience and on MY schedule. So give it your best shots.
I’ll be dead, dead and gone and you’ll have the paper/digital records to remind yoi of me and u your participation in my demise.
Sincerely,
DA
(PostTime: 21.33) 21.06 Thumping up-stairs. Wall-thumping fm nr5. But, even though he will yell in the hall, nr.7 is mostly respectable by 21h. which is more than I can say about the former. I TRULY need to get the BF out if here! This is NOT how I’ll spend my last months!
So, got to PB’s on time this morning to a double sink FULL of dishes. He’s not as bad-off-poor-baby as portrayed. Daughter rang him several times. He wanted to have her blocked. I looked-up the p nr. r/t his carrier: directory AND Internet. When I gave it to him he exoected ME to call! So I lost my temper and he told me I could lesve. I called the office; S. said “What’s he unhappy with NOW?” and that she’d call him. Didn’t while I was there. He was OK when I left at noon but brusk when I phoned at 12.36 to remind him to take lunch out of the oven. Tomorrow s/b interesting. (His case closes end of month.)
Ev and Moe, a dream. Moe showered, I put-up the pantry. We had coffee. Workef with e-mail. 5 hrs. in today. I need the time now to get out of here.
We were talking about “Restitution” fm. Germany. I mentioned MB getting cheques. Moe asked “What were the Czecs doing in Germany?” I replied “Looking for Kafka?” We both laughed! How WONDERFUL to be with brilliant people! Both of them. And so appreciative. How magnificent!
21.19 Lorraine’s running water and banging, tapping, ticking, scratching. It’s feet-to-the-wall if need be tonight.
Chicken and collards for dinner again.
I weighed-in at 173-something today! No more 155?! At long last! Now to distribute it properly.
TIRED. Time to HOPE for some sleep. Oh, tomorrow, pm free… rain! Figgers. (Marc Johnson? I miss you!)
(I think KHRNY slipped a nut. “You’re The Lady”? English tunie-type music? Hopefully they’ll be “back” for the night. I NEED them to drown-out the trash-noise! OY! GOOD! Back to Ivrit!)
And now? A book until I pass out from exhaustion. (THIS is NO way to exist!)
(PostTime: 21.49) One more: I’m thinkin… If Moe and Ev decide to go to Ct. this Summer, I’ll go… for a couple of weeks (or June/July).
I could:
.Move just before and come back to nice.
.I could put my few things in storage and HOPE to move-in to nice on returm.
.I could make enough being away with them to come back to this shithole BRIEFLY and move.
Things to ponder, distract me from the noise of the trash here as I try for sleep.
Any way I look at it, I’ll go with them. It’ll be a lake, not the ocean. But it might just be a nice break. Hell! I passed an entire Summer in The Shelter. A lake might be nice.
AND BEING HERE IS WORSE THAN THE SHELTER! Here, I’m PAYING RENT TO BE SURROUNDED BY THE LOWEST OF LIFE-FORMS! THERE, it was FREE (in a manner of speaking). It’s been so bad here, I entertained the idea of going BACK to The Shelter! How abou THAT?
So, time to get under the covers, read something and ponder Ct. (just as L. bangs something into the wall. ONE MORE TIME AND I BANG BACK! I JUST DON’T CARE ANYMORE!)

13.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.19) There is something terribly wrong with this morning. Nothing tangible but something.
(PostTime: 10.39) I can’t believe how tired I am! I have all to do jyst to keep my wyes open. Don’t know what I’ve been recording!
(PostTime: 21.35) See? Being in this house is draining me! That post from the bus was indicative.
PB was exceptionally quiet this morning. I got the place tidy and sat watching TV. He worked his Find-A-Word. We didn’t speak. He annoys me with his high-strung personality but I can’t help but care. (I’ll care about others until my heart stops beating. Maybe longer. SCHMUK!)
Came back to Bedlam because it was drizzling. Penelope said she won’t go to The Fort on rainy days: depressing. So there was no sense in me going.
I defrosted the freezer and laid down at 14h for “an hour”. Woke at 16.30! Just SO damned exhausted ALL the time! Not depressed. Just EXHAUSTED! Being here is disappointing and it’s just getting worse.
Moe’s results? Hernia! Says he; should have asked to exchange it for a HISnia. MOE! What a magnificent gift you are to us, who meet you! I SO wish I could make your life/health perfect.
Organised the plastic storage of papers. I’m in “Moving” mode now: looking at how to pack – planning the move. I’m SO out of this place!
Nr.7 is quite respectful.
Nr.5 (Lorraine) is a piece of s|-|it.
Nr.14-15? Plodding as I log this. But I’m no longer certain it’s Helene. Boots? Yes. The odd hours of noise? Yes. The types if noise? Yes. But no mid-night furniture. I wonder. Must find Barbara.
Have been eating frosting again. Calories are good. Sugar, not. Need to get rid of the GUT!
Time to read and try for sleep and hope for a better tomorrow.
Long time no line from Schmulik. Hmmmm. Odd; it doesn’t “hurt” not to hear. I’m growing… up and old.
KHRNY broadcasting again. Hopefully through the night.
I’ll miss hearing the trains when I leave here.

14.Apr:
(PostTime: 6.01) Interesting: I didn’t get logged-off.
No KHRNY again this morning. But they were there to help me get to sleep last night.
Sleep. That’s a joke. I’m just waking up again. And, I’m exhausted. (Had a dream last night: Kept telling somebody that I’m NOT “tired”; I’m EXHAUSTED! – That’s all I can recall of it.)
What’s going on here with all this fatigue?
(PostTime: 8.29) TOO FUNNY! New note on the door: Don’t burn incense in the hall. “Fire hazzard”. After MONTHS of it! Hahahahaha! TOO too funny. WTF is she trying to prove? To whom? No matter.
Idea this morning; to ponder: Get word to The Shelter about the house. Case Workers can refer. Residents can call or come directly. Let her try to discriminate against the Homeless/DHS! Let her live in the house with the likes of the nasties. – A thought to ponder…
Meanwhile; This figures: SUN! A clear day. Yesterday I had time to go to the beach/Fort. Rain. Today I work ALL day. Sun.
Rockaway is still pretty-much grey/brown. The green starts at Broad Channel north. And it IS going to green! I should enjoy the coming of Summer. I’m heart-sick over the loss of Winter. This year I truly don’t want to see leaves. I truly want Winter back! Nothing yo do with August 2010. I just DON’T want the Spring and Summer. Blue skies and bear branches. That’s fine. Creation… imperfect.
8.24 The bus is full. Howard Beach. Bad memories. It was nice at first: I came to work from The Shelter each morning. Today I just recall the nastiness: 3 patients and 1 never gotten. RUDE! Just so rude. But it’s a new day and a new Italian (PB), just as rude.
Mr. and Mrs. G. in the noon! A drive and intelligent fun!
Ozone Pk. Too soon.
(PostTime: 21.32) 21.14 Lorraine’s at the sink. I got in about 20h to Nr.7 blasting (he went quiet at 21h. Bless him.) but THEN, LC (OH SHT! THE INITIALS!) was quiet. Of course.
The morning went by. Candy and canoli shopping. PB in a good mood. I cleaned his fridge. I took home 4 soups, some fruits and breads that would have other-wise been tossed. I’ll do that regularly instead of food being tossed.
Another fun afternoon with Moe and Ev: a/c shopping, Home Depot for 2 white geraniums and browse ceiling fans. They’re amazed that I can install one. They’re amazed at many of the things I’ve learnt to do. AND they’re SO APPRECIATIVE of every little thing I do. And basicly all I really do is drive the car!
It was a long day there: 12.30-18.30 (but I’m counting only 13-18h).
Moe’s MRI report: the cysts are still there. No change. But confirmed hernia. His MD suggests pushing it back and consult w/surgeon. Nobody wants Moe back in surgery.
Dinner: 2 soups with a stale bagle tossed in, frosting for dessert. (I weighed 171 today! I don’t want to be less than 175 so I have to keep watch.)
Saw the couple fm. the beach en route here this evening. Very friendly. The puppy has GROWN! They got her late last Summer.
And KHRNY is on Greek music this evening. But it’s ON.
Now to try for some sleep before 23h. LC will get a 2ft. crash tonight if… I’m in no mood.
The Ct. plan might not come through. Keith won’t leave the house for more than a couple days! But, I’ll hope…

15.Apr:
(PostTime: 5.39) Woke at 4.58. (KHRNY on air.) Does this bode well for the day? I could still use more sleep. Is the fatigue a Sx of depression? Being in this house depresses. Insufficient income depresses. (Dream: Offered a free course for “CRT” license to work on ambulance at much higher salary. Didn’t know what a CRT is but accepted the offer. Dream ended.)
This phone is s|-|it. Not giving lettres clicked! Chinese crap.
Oh, woman at a/c yesterday described a unit: Manufactured “off-shore” for Friedrich.
I asked “How far off-shore?”
“What do you think?”
“China!”
(Right.)
“Where’s the other model made?”
“North America.”
“How far ‘north’?”
“Mexico.”
WTF is THIS all about? Makes me sick!
Today? PB will bitch about daughter/shopping/something/everything. – Moe will obsess over rear.passngr tyre pressure. – I will want to die.
Another great forecast for today. Rain fm. Fri-Sun night!
Maybe a nap now.
(PostTime: 19.09) Q53 Pitkin, traffic. A lettre-carrier looks like George! I miss The Shelter. Wonder how the guys are doing these days.
Got to work late. Left on time. PB in a bad mood until I “fixed” the TV box by putting the little door on it. – A DishTV tech came, got PB to by and up-graded box for 15$. When I left, the tech was still installing. But it gave ME a break. – At 11.47 had to make grilled cheese! Last minute sht. Typical.
Got canollis at Catalano’s for the G’s. Rang to suggest that I could bring the car to garage in the morning en route to work. Ev asked me to stop for stamps. Well, it IS on my way. I did. – Arrived 13h! even with nice schmooz at bakery and stop at PO. – Coffee and canollis. Moe showered. Ev went to market. – Moe and I surfed web for ceiling fans and Rollators. Poor guy; very short attention span. – It annoyed me when he told me many points to discuss with mechanic. I made it clear I don’t intend to schmooz with the mechanic… drop the car and go to work.
The Rock. More later.
(PostTime: 20.46) KHRNY on air! – Dinner? Bean/beef soup x 2 added a slice muenster, finished choc frosting. OK.
2 guys on porch drinking beet when I came in, yelling at 2 on the street. But Nr.7 is in, I believe and quiet. I MUST GET OUT OF HERE!
NO MORE SPENDING! PERIOD!
Because of the noise in this place, I’m anxious about tomorrow morning, getting enough sleep tonight, waking on time. I neither need, nor deserve this anxiety.
The streets are better than The Shelter… The Shelter is better than this place.
I wonder what the Gs would think if they knew I’d been in The Shelter.
The windows, walls, ceiling, floor NEED to be washed. Fat Fing chance of that happening. I WANT OUT!
Almost 21h and “qt” (I won’t put the whole word in… fear) and time to read and hope for sleep. A quick web-check, e-mail, T, and read to sleep.
Rain from tonight through wk-end. No tan for me!

16.Apr:
(PostTime: 6.31) Again, this morning, woke 2 mins. before alarms. I wonder how that’s happening. But why wonder? It’s good.
Last night KHRNY re-booted. I heard the little audio on the radio and wondered why my PC was starting on its own. Then remembered; I don’t have one! These days are difficult.
Woke to KHRNY. How wonderful. Moving will have to include: Make certain I’m in transmission range.
Constipated yesterday. Nerves. Slightly this morn. Nerves. The negativity of PB, the opinionation of MG (SHT! ANOTHER initial combo!), the atmosphere in this house… THERE IS NO PEACE! Perhaps I must change these… MY-SELF (as usuall… no help).
Nap. Bus at 7.30 this morning!
(PostTime: 7.30) Had to GO. BOTH loos occupied. Got one just b4 I was to go in bags. – Windy. Light rain. Still need to “go”. – 15 min nap. – Don’t do this again. – SHAADAAP! OK? OK!
(PostTime: 20.38) 20.26 I made it through the day! Got the car, got it to the garage. Made it to PB by 9h! Used his loo for mostly gas. – He was in good spirits. Sister and bro-in-law came to visit. They actually laughed together and b-i-l spoke w/me. AND PB, who calls me Lazaro, introduced me by my proper name! So lookie there. He knows my name! – The morning went by nicely. I went to get dishl soap. 1,30$ which he didn’t give me. But, I’ll get it eventually. B4 I leave, to be sure. – OH! AT 4.20 HIS SUGAR WAS 310! I didn’t report it because I’m not expected to understand such things but I think I’ll check him over the wk-end. The problem here us that I do care.
So, I left with trepidations, got to G’s (LUV THAT) 12.30. By about 14h the car was ready…
I’m tired right now. I’m going to try for some early sleep. Read. Sleep.
KHRNY on air. Static, but on air.
Banging up-stars. Also see Roackaway10 pg. at 11222.

17.Apr:
(PostTime: 22.29) ANOTHER Saturday stuck in this room! But I woke about 5h and by 9h the necessary laundry was on the rack.
KHRNY on air all day! I even missed Prairie Home Companion today. Great music on Kol haShalom.
2 portraits: 1 not-so-good-but-better, Tolstoy (not too bad).
The stench of sewage bubbled-up in the sink. Checked if it comes up in Nr.7. He puts dish soap down his drain (so I’m thinking it does come up there too). He wasn’t congenial when he saw me at the door. I’m suppoding Denise got to him.
The drain actually bubbled foul air through a basin of water! Tomorrow I’m calling 311 to file a report, get Dpt. Health in here. Enough of this! I’m breathing this!
Did my manicure, trimmed beard, had a stim (no hands-free but good). Napped a little. Gyoza for dinner. One vodka-tonic.
Now, 22.20, Phil yelling in the hall, TV on in Nr.7, Lorraine had het pot-fling thing, up-stairs plodded during the day but nothing at present.
Sun appeared briefly at noon but by the time (Oops, Lorraine’s at it again. Time for foot-to-wall.) I considered going out, clouds.
Was hoping for haAtzmaut something tomorrow. Only Monday night. Monday I work PB in the morning. Tuesday I have to be in The City at 8.30.
So? With The Blackwater patrons on the street, Lorraine thumping on the wall and KHRNY on the radio… timr to close this day. I’m not even bothering to shower tonight. No reason. Just not bothering.
I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!
(PostTime: 24.41) This phone is a fuking piece of shit!
(PostTime: 24.49) I had a whole post and the damned phone timed-out! Lost the whole post! 200$ blown for THIS? Pissin’ Chinese! Pissin’ Americans too!
But anyway, Lorraine kept her shit up until almost mid-night. So? I’d wanted to wash my sweats by hand and tonight I did. They’re on the rack (0h45). Today’s laundry was dry. I PRESSED my work trousers. FIRST TIME using the iron. Not bad. Another piece if Chinese shit.
I just might shower too. Make a liitle noise.
Hopefully this won’t screw the day. Since there’s no haAtzmaut fetes, I’ll go to the opening at The Fort. Maybe bunker, but I doubt that.
The sink is bubbling again. I have the stopper in it.
I MUST GET OUT OF HERE! THERE MUST BE A BETTER PLACE TO RESIDE FOR THE NEXT 134 DAYS!

18.Apr:
(PostTime: 0.52) YUP! SHOWER! Up-stairs is awake and thumping. So? MY TURN!
(PostTime: 1.17) 1.14 Showered! Nice’n’Clean, me. Even my ears. Now to read a bit, alarm for 7.00 and a new day.
KHRNY still on air. Vrdrey (how does one spell a trilled R?) nice.
(PostTime: 8.29) Well, I’m awake, had my coffee, and a dump. Now I’m ready for a nap. And I’m clean since this morning’s shower. My gums are very sore, esp. upper right back. If that’s oral cancer, iy had better hold-out for AT LEAST 134 days. I don’t know; maybe I’ll give in and go to the clinic one of these days. Maybe…
Meanwhile, I’m furious that the bitch Lorraine… no, bitches are dogs, dogs are nice; I can’t think of an object low enough… is sleeping over there. Pounding on the wall probably wouldn’t wake it. One day… one day.
I’ll nap a bit. Shower. Head to The Fort. I am fatigued.
KHRNY woke me with old Westerns this morning. So funny.
1983: Oma died. I still remember…
.Mama rang me at work this morning to say she’d stay at Calvary 24hrs.
.I rushed home after work. Wanted to bring pillow or something to Mama.
.The busses fm Valentine Av. ran slow.
.Got to Calvary, was going to Nurses’ stn., heard Mama call to me.
.”She’s gone.”
.Her suffering was done.
Next day, I ran fm living-rm into bed-rm and threw my-self unto the wall to try to come to the reality of it.
It was the beginning of the end of all stability in my life.
Five years later, ALL would END.
(PostTime: 21.41) Indeed a miserable start to the day, save the laundry. Didn’t get out until 13.30! Brown’s Hdwre closed. Need a stopper for the sink!
BUT!!! IT TURNED SPLENDID! by about 14h at The Fort:
.Helped Shirl with Maggie’s eyes
.Talked with SULLY about The Fort!
.Penelope said she considers me a “friend” and confident
.Tommy was civil and welcoming
.Walked the beach with Shirl and Cody at sunset
Shirl dropped me at Waldbaum’s. Got half-half, hot dogs, tortillas and ice cream! I just finished dinner.
Am tired. PB tomorrow morning. Afternoon off!
No KHRNY tonight.
Hopefully no Lorraine either.
(Still can’t get over the initials: LC!)
This phone sux when texting!
(PostTime: 21.56) Seeing Sully was SO GREAT! Love that man. So knowledgeable about The Fort and so many other things. And his leaving was a tough rift for him. We talked steady for a healthy half hour!
Penelope is just a miracle at 90. Shirl tells me she doesn’t hide her age anymore. HELL! She shouldn’t. As I say, she’s a miracle! And such talent!
As we sat at Waldbaum’s, Shirl told of her own tragedies. Some very devastating events: life, health, business.
We seem to be a Tragic Trio… working around it all.
Again, if not for Tilden, I doubt any if us would be around.
Me? With the way I’m falling apart, 55 will be just enough.
Quite a cold day today and very chilled night. I’m just pulling the temp to 22 in here.
But, a delight of a day, despite the bullshit of last night.
WQXR is annoying (again). Time to find another station, clean my mouth, set alarms, hope for sleep.

19.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.47) Perfectly beautiful weather this morning. Of course; I have to work! And I’m slightly over-dressed for the temperature.
Running later than would like. This phone-txt pad is impossible. The net-connections are shit. I’ll probably lose all when I try to post. MetroPCS is going the way of Virgin Mobile: CRAP.
Tired. Headache. Intestinal cramping. Other-wise, just fine.
Not hearing fm Schmulik much of late. Oh well. His choice. He’s with some-one, nice flat, job in his field, disposable income, a fall-back. I’ve made efforts to spend time tog. He insists I run into The City. Not happening.
I wanted, so much, to find him. Done. OK. Next? Me.
WOW! It’s GORGEOUS out here! Must to plan MY afternoon.
Oh. Saw Tommy fm up-stairs this morning. FAT and tanned. Low-lifes with no job, no responsibilities, no contributions to society. Him and Lorraine. Makes me want to PUKE!
Found interesting info on NCO. Top 10 worst. They’re Nr.7. Time to give them a run. And PHC. WTF? Ynot?
Decided to simply plug the sink and leave the prob for the next ine to occupy. Meanwhile, when drain plugged, 5&7 will get the gasses.
Ozone Pk. Time to try “submit”. AWAY!
(PostTime: 15.07) Listening to the haAtzmaut celebrations from haAretz and the “oldies” (my intro yrs to haAretz) on KHRNY.
2 soups and dessert fm PB’s MOW. No wonder folks don’t enjoy the food; no flavour at all. But this didn’t go to the garbage. It’s food! I’ve eaten.
(Israel sheli hotevet! The 60’s! From the LPs I borrowed fm the Newburgh library! And Mum danced to!)
Friday is my last day with PB. He just happened to mention whilst talking with Dee this morning! He leaves for Fl. on Monday noon flight! I’ll miss the little maniac. (And I wonder WHAT comes next AND how long bet. cases.)
Moe had a 13h appt. in The City today. I’ve got to get cigs. later.
Now? Quickie nap whilst there’s a bit of quiet in Bedlam.
(PostTime: 19.31) I’m on the bloody shuttle to Rite Aid! A perfect evening for the Atzmaut party and I’m going to bloody Ozone Pk! Par… No extra work this wk. Wed. Lois comes in. Thu. Moe yo dentist. Fri. I wanted to take the day/eve. And I need the rent s and phone. Typical.
But I sent e-mail to Schmulik if we can meetlwith Yosi. I doubt that will happen. But, I offered.
You know? This travel is the great part of Rock… over the sun-set bay. Let me pay attention now.
(PostTime: 21.51) Gone. Back. A night to be on the beach! A very warm 23* in here now.
Nr.7 was blasting music when I got in. 21h or so, quiet. Denise made a mistake with him. He’s OK! I heard him singing when I left this evening. Speech thing. But you know what? He respects working people… A LOT MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR Nr.5! I respect him for that.
Schmulik e-mails he’ll try for drinks with Yosi.. at the Monster! IF it happens, it should be interesting. Me? In a Gay bar? OKee. But I won’t plan on it happening.
So I should be asleep NOW! A miserable day ahead. But I’m not quite tired… and anxious about being able to sleep since Lorraine starts her shit late.
The MCU a/c is DOWN! The TD a/c is working toward expenses. But the classified form is waiting. I DO need to get out if here and away from the shit in this house. And if Phil is looking to move, Denise will rent to MORE shit. I gotta go!

20.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.48) Last night’s anxiety paid off. I must have half-slept all night. Woke tired. Cramps too.
Am here. Late. But the proctor is even later. Typical.
(PostTime: 19.43) It wasn’t bad! Pedroso made the time pass swiftly with humour and stories. She encouraged participation.
I sat beside Janet, a Minister and engaging woman of about my age I might say. We took the nr.2 train together. She to Beverly, me to The Junction. Very wonderful conversation along the way.
Saw Samantha briefly. Pregnant! Bless her. So tiny and pregnant.
TOMORROW AT 17.00 A GET-TOGETHER WITH YOSI AND SCHMULIK! At the Monster, but I’m looking forward to seeing Yosi. It’s been WELL OVER 20plus years. Back in the Zur Years. And it’s a bit of a re-connect with the Israelis. I’d thought about this, especially during The Shelter Days. Who knew it would ever happen?
Told Ev I couldn’t be there tomorrow due to work. I’d just rather not get into the story. Financially? Not a brilliant move, esp. since I WANT OUT of this damned hole (Ratsass is at it as I journal). But I haven’t gone social in SOOOO long.
Franks for dinner. Very little dessert. But enough for now. Wish I could have a drink. But tomorrow I will.
Tired. Must wash dishes now.
Good day. Eh? (Too bad it gets shitty here.)

21.Apr:
(PostTime: 6.40) At 5.00 the temp in here was 24. The fan was on high all night. The heat is coming.
But I slept quite well with an antihistemene (which I’ve misspelt). So, a pretty good morning… with rain in the forecast for this evening.
I still don’t know what to wear this evening. Don’t have anything I’d like to wear. Can’t afford to buy new. Actually can’t afford this function. Don’t even know the cost of a beer at a bar anymore. Imagine that. Me. Clueless about bar prices.
Anyway… this is annoying me… this phone. And it’s time to prep for another day. I dread….
(PostTime: 8.22) Not that anything in particular has happened, but I find I my mood has changed. No patience, understanding, tolerance for other people suddenly, this morning. Not violent. Just a sort of shut-down.
I came here, to Rockaway, to pull myself inside myself and leave past bullshit and pretense across the water. Yesterday, on the train, looking at the subway map, I glanced at The Bronx. I haven’t been there in many months. It was my Home, my Dream, my Goal, my Happiness for so many years. Jim, Margot, even Janice destroyed those attatchments, those emotions. Today, I look at the map with no desire to return. Not even to visit.
When I left 3150, too much of my heart was crushed. Now, with no Pookie there, there’s nothing left. Nothing.
Cyndi ripped my entire life-time from me. The little remaining bits are gone.
I just don’t care.
(PostTime: 8.26) FUK! ANOTHER ENTIRE ENTRY DISAPPEARS! WTF? And where’s the strnch of shit coming from on this bus?
(PostTime: 8.31) Nope. The entry posted. Just another cheap-assed hiccup from this cheap-ass piece of Chinese shitphone. – How I do look forward to ending all of this. Just ceasing to exist.
(PostTime: 15.04) What a farce this morning! Sister & bro-in-law packing all sorts of little stuff, throwing things out that PB wanted to save. But, in a steel locked box he had 2 old, plastic urinals. So I wonder if there isn’t more to his case than the stroke. The bro-in-law kept asking me to toss things as he went along. I see it coming: help with thr furniture. NOT!
I’m really going to miss this one though. Can’t say why, exactly. But I will.
And so. I walked in the door at Bedlam and went right to nap. Just finished a quick snack. Having a coffee. Shower. Arse-hole is rumbling shit on my wall already. KHRNY is mostly static. It’s cloudy weather. I’m feeling ugly about myself.
Good I’m getting out of here.
(PostTime: 15.10) At PB’s, caught the end of “Body of Lies”. Leonardo DiCaprio (?) gets caught by the Infitada and they break 2 of his fingers with a hammer. As they prepare to kill him, strapped on his back to a table, by cutting him with knives, he goes unconscious.
On the bus home, the scene plays in my mind. I almost feel the torture. Suddenly, my body went to sleep.
It struck me:
As a child, as my father beat me brutally, MY body went to sleep so it didn’t feel the pain!
It’s ALL STILL HERE!
(PostTime: 16.10) First: I’m running late.
Second: My guts want to explode.
Third: I feel I look like hell.
Fourth: No toothpicks and something in my teeth.
Fifth: The bloody shuttle id just sittimg here and I’m late as it is.
But facts? There’s nobody to impress! So I’m truly OVER-reacting.
(Oh, and I smell like fried food. Friggin ROOM!)
We’re OUTTA HEEYAUH!
(PostTime: 20.16) Q21 fm Jamaica Av. Arrd 17.30, the place was pleasantly empty. I’d just about recognise Yosi, save the few kg. he’s acquired. But when he told that he’ll be 69 in July! WOW! He looks SO GREAT! (Even Schmulik said, as he and I walked to the train, “I’m jealous.”) It was a brief get-together. I was on the A, alone, by 19.30. But how wonderful to see Yosi again… 27 years (or so) later.
When we 3 left the bar (Yosi nor I drank), Yosi was headin for 1st/49th. Schmulik and I got the train. We parted at Hoyt. I waited with him for his G which came same time as my A.
We pared… It was the tiniest bit painful for me tonight. He is part of a past I miss so much and will never retrieve.
SO? I took the A to the J to the vodka for sleep tonight. I didn’t spend the 20 at the bar. And the litre was 16 and change. I shouldn’t buy vodka.. but I did.
Now, 20.14, leaving Howard Beach… in the drizzle. Perfect.

22.Apr:
(PostTime: 6.00) Last evening, at The Monster, we discussed “baths” in NY/TA. On the J, I pondered:
What kept ME from going to those places, from having multiple sexual activities frequently? My libido was active and certainly healthy.
“Love”. I wanted my appetite quelled, my phantasies addressed, my fetishes attended by my “Lover”, not a stranger. I wanted constancy, stability, monogamy. I wanted a relationship, a marriage; not having to explain, describe, discuss repeatedly.
I was “old” from the beginning.
It kep me from the epidemic. It brought me here, to where I am today: silent, single, sad and angry, disappointed, unfulfilled.
Am I sorry I didn’t throw myself about more? Yes. But that young man on the L into The City last evening slammed me with the fact that it really is too late. How I would have given him the chat-up, my number, proposals and propositions… were I some 20-30 years younger. Now? I have furrows and bad teeth. My face sags when I look down. There’s nothing to offer to keep someone young and vivacious at home.
I’ve missed yet another opportunity.
And, I thought:
I will NOT out-live the remaining ex-es and acquaintances! (And it’s getting late… in life.)
(PostTime: 6.15) A NOTE: The year Schmulik met Zur, Zur’s Mum died, I was on Valentine, knew Rolande and just met Viv when she came to visit with Rolande.
When Zur came back from his Mum’s funeral, I phoned him, from the pay-phone on Bedford Park Blvd/The Concourse. He was asleep and spoke only Hebrew to me. When I said, Medeber angliit, he replied “lo.” “lama lo?” “ani lo rotze.” “beseder. aval ata yodeah, ani lo medeber ivrut. ken?” “ok. I’ll talk later.”
I met Schmulik when I lived on Bay Shore, worked at Calvary already.
(PostTime: 6.19) Today, I have gained the weight I’ve wanted. I have the grey hair I wanted. But the grey is in the beard, not on my head. The weight is all in my gut and could be distributed else-where, but I don’t care enough to move it. Once again, it comes too late and not conveniently.
(PostTime: 8.12) Head aches. Bowels want to eliminate. Fatigued. On the bus on time. But just not feeling “right”.
(PostTime: 15.01) Q35 on the Shore Run to 99cent Limit.
Giuseppe, the bro-in-law had me schlepping boxes to the car but offers cafe and panatone. OK. Meanwhile, PB seems quieter as the moving day comes closer. Tomorrow is the final day. I wonder where I go fm here. To a younger pt! I know they’re out there. Or hospice.
It’s just too chilly for the beach so I grabbed a bite, napped an hour and now to get socks. I napped because now I can. I remember, too clearly, ALL THOSE YEARS (yes, YEARS) when I HAD to walk streets or sit in libraries, the days in vanCort Park or on the Hudson, searching for a place to simply rest. Today, I can be under a blanket, head on pillow. I can sleep when tired! And so I do.
And now? To Brighton but because I want to.
(PostTime: 21.37) Spent much more than intended at 99cent Limit. It’s a damned shame I HAD to buy SLEEP AIDS! Not since The Shelter! Oh, FK ME! But the trip back was quite good. I must remember that leaving here at 15.00 brings me to rush hour. And I really didn’t get caught in the rain.
Fried chicken and corn tortillas for dinner. I’m still hungry because if no sugar after.
Two drinks should help sleep tonight.
Phoned Ev and feigned hospice case tomorrow. Weather is supposef to be OK. I want to do the beach if so. Said I’d help Moe find Rollator on Sunday… OFF THE BOOKS! Ev said Sunday is my day to go to The Fort. I said it’s no matter. (Truth? Moe’s an inspiration. He and Ev are wonderful people.)
Seems Lorraine’s TRYING to be quiet tonight. Not terribly. But trying. The kick to the wall last night?)
I should get some rest. PB’s last day tomorrow.
MetroPCS web svce. sux lately.

23.Apr:
(PostTime: 6.22) Yesterday:
As I’m contemplating an over-door hanger, a young woman asks, “Do you think it works?… Do you speak English?”
Then, as I head along Av.Z for the B36 back, a white SUV pulls up. A dark-haired young man calls, “SHALOM!”. He wants to know how to get to JFK.
“Where are you from? You look European.” (His license plate: Wisconsin.)
Do I speak English?
I look European?
How complimentary.
Still a stranger no matter where I go.
Meanwhile, this morning I read aloud, the German-language report on the “Olkatastrophe” (can’t put the umlaut ln the O”) in the Golf von Mexiko with-out stammering.
So much in this brain! I’m taking it ALL with me when I leave.
(PostTime: 6.37) Ah HAH! For MONTHS, I’ve been getting messages on the VirginMobile nr. fm a collection agency, r/t PHC no doubt. Just about every day, their computer left the same msg. But this week, instead of the short out-going msg. on the voice mail, I recorded radio-static. No more msgs. YAY! (I use the old phones as my alarms only. VM re-activated the nr. after I’d let it go. But I don’t want it/them/their svce. Figures. I get what I don’t want… but don’t get what I truly need. Such is life.)
(PostTime: 18.56) The morning was just not right. But onward I went. Helped move more out at PB’s. All I got fm Giuseppe was a hand-shake and “It’s a plesh.” They knock off final lettres in Italian (ricott, mozzarell) and final syllables in English!
Anna, sister, however, said she hopes to find “somebody like you to help him” in FL.
When I left, he cried. Me too… almost.
BRILLIANT SUN. But CHILLY breezes kept me in to stim and FINALLY a hands-free, followed by a nap, followed by Waldbaum’s for juice, tonic, SUGAR for dessert. (Dinner was today’s MOW fish. PB’s freezer is stuffed with food that will be going into the garbage.)
En route to market, passed Lorraine coming home. She had the brass balls to stop, turn round to look at me! Stupid scum. I’m looking forward to the moment when I can address her in a crowd. Repayment for her disrespect.
Now? Making coffee for the morning. It’s rumoured to be a bright Saturday. Maybe I can get SOME colour, go to The Fort, see Penelope and Shirl, sketch. Sunday will rain and I’ll visit Moe and Ev. Meanwhile, I await the rising of Bedlam this night, almost quite a sure thing.
DREAD!
And my right wisdom tooth? Loose. Two pieces. Out of alignment. I’ve been mucking with it, trying to get it out. A dentist could do it in seconds. A dentist wants 250$. I don’t have 250$. I do have the capacity and capability to do it myself.

24.Apr:
(PostTime: 6.04) WHY am I awake at 5.27? I passed right out round about 22.15 or so. KHRNY on the radio. Lorraine running the water. I was annoyed and waiting for thumps and thuds. As every night, I waited for the yelling in the hall. That’s how I went to sleep.
I dreamt: I lived here, in a room on the 2nd fl. at the top of the stairs. My door had a large window in it and a window shade, always half-down, in spite of my keeping it fully closed. Somebody (Denise) would always draw it half open every time I walked out of the room, even for moments. – A young, short, Hispanic/Indian/Arabic girl/woman would torment by pushing my door closed as I tried to get out, or shoving into me at the stairs, trying to push me down them. I wanted to retaliate but couldn’t because she was close friends/related to Denise and I couldn’t afford to move else-where. – At one point, as she went down the stairs, I feigned sprinkling something on her and said ‘There! Live with that shit on you as it eats away at your flesh!’ – I came back into the room. A tall, thin, young, contemporary, dark-haired girl. Meeghan, Jeannine’s daughter. Jeannine some-how owned the room. I sat in the bed and asked ‘Why are all people so evil?’ Meeghan said ‘Because that’s the way they are.’ ‘But you and your Mum aren’t. So you’re not people?’ ‘Not that kind.’
I woke.
My jaw hurts. I have to get this tooth out. I’m concerned about infection. Then I’ll HAVE to go to a dentist. I CAN’T afford it! Work. Pay taxes. I can’t afford a dentist. What’s the damned use?
(PostTime: 6.20) 9* out-side. 22* in here with hot-plate on. I’m hopinh for an hour or so of sun this morning. Threat of rain this afternoon. If I walk to The Fort, I’ll have to take the bus back. Shouldn’t take the bus. But shouldn’t journal; shouldn’t have the light on. Too many shouldn’ts. It’s all too prohibitive. Existence is oppressive on its own. Why make it worse? The object is to relax and enjoy ONE day out of 7. If this is how I relax and enjoy, so be it. That, after all, is the issue. Is it not? Indeed; it is.
The creatures stir out-side my door and in the rooms above. The day begins. The noises of the day commence. Someone is coughing/hacking in the loo. Why not do that in your room? Why bring it to the public area? Humanity? Stupidity.
My bowels are now awake.
KHRNY plays dance music.
The day is open.
(PostTime: 6.41) Some broad is yelling in the hall. Phil’s door is open. Somebody’s drilling into a wall up-stairs. Somebody else is pounding on a wall up-stairs. Somebody on this floor is hacking/coughing.
It’s really very much like The Shelter! Classless crude creatures. One major difference? Paying to be here.
Oh, I must move out of this.
(Thumpthump plodplod over-head.)
These are the malignancies of Creation. Not unlike cancers on the cellular level. A destructive element in a variety of sizes in the Cosmos. Always a destructive element.
As was written in “Einstein’s God”: we are always at the edge of chaos. – Some of us are closer than others. There is always an element fighting against Peace.
I want no part of this.
(PostTime: 6.47) KHRNY: So much music that I would like to collect. I have no stereo. I have no computer. I have no CD/MP3 player. I have no means to collect or play music.
But, the radio continues to play-on. I have the music by the moment… and the hatred against the thieves. The hatred will disperse into Creation with the energy that is/was ME when I throw it into the elements that are Creation.
This music is most wonderful right now.
(PostTime: 20.07) Walked up the beach to The Fort at 13h. Got some good sun and just in time.
Shirl and Penelope at T6 and Shirl’s friend whose name I can’t recall. Oddly, we and Karen got into a conversation about ancestry: German Jews! 3 of us today. Interesting.
Janet, Shirl, Friend and Karen got into the Obama regime and the Jan Brewer/Arizona bill. Truly interesting: we all agreed on all topics. Since I already know where I stand, suffice to say, we all agreed.
And so, at day’s end, Shirl, Friend and I took to the beach. The tide was coming in… NO BEACH! The erosion is noticeable. The water was coming almost to the dunes. The Tilden beach is disappearing. The Summer should be interesting this year.
I was going to walk back but it had gotten so cold, I accepted a lift to BCD/116.
Coming along 116, ran into Denise who chatted most friendly AFTER I addressed her. I suppose there’s some guilt there (like, from her Tito yelling “faggot” out-side my door). But we chatted neighbourly. WTF? I’ve really got nothing to say anyway.
In Bedlam, it looks like the whole place is going Latino! With their trade-mark yelling. Though now, it’s calmed.
Dinner? Fried Salad Toppers in tortillas with horseradish, finished the buns from last night. (Too much something in them. I got the cramps at The Fort today.)
Now? To RiteAid for smokes, deod, Anbesol. (One piece of the broken tooth twisted up into the gum. It HAS to come out… even if I have to burn it out with Anbesol.) It looks disgusting up there; can see the root of the next tooth and the 3rd will be coming out soon. For the moment, I want the pieces out.
Coffee water’s boiling and I have to get the bus.
(PostTime: 21.21) Q21 Pitkin. 21.10 To The Rock. I came all the way out for absolutely NOTHING! Decided not to get Anbesol (almost 10$), they didn’t have the deodorant, and when the cashier finished scanning the cigarettes? The bloody “system” closed… no debit cards! This entire trip… nothing. So tomorrow… early start.
OH. As I got to the end of Riis today, I stopped to light a cig and who comes walking along Tilden beach but David Friend, PT for Solomon Z. and his cute little wife. Solomon is now a tube feed, home-bound. Not the kind of news I wanted to hear. I’d very much like to see him and his wife. Must make time to do so.
The tooth isn’t painful. Just annoying. Will be interesting sleeping tonight.
21.19 163av. The day/night is done… and I’m on a LOCAL!

25.Apr:
(PostTime: 9.06) Rain. – Woke with the 7.00 alarm. The tooth still tearing at my cheek. Tired and wondering, as I often do, why it’s so important to wake early, even on days when sleeping-in would be permissable. In child-hood, there was the absolute demand to get out of bed in early hours, often followed by the absolute command to get out of the house, no matter what the weather to have “the wind blow the stink off you!”. In the years after Rochambeau: Beacon; escape from the filth. Newburgh; escape from noise and a need to just not be present in the house. Cox Rd.; to not be in the house, appear occupied. Jim’s; no other way to be “there”, to be un-intrusive. Riverdale; escape the demands, insults, denegration, demeaning affronts, arguments, insults. The Shelter; rule to be out of the room between 8h-16.30. Even now, the cold rain falls, the temp in here is comfortable, the bed is inviting but there is an internal drive to MOVE, GO, GET OUT, DO SOMETHING. It truly is a sickness at this point.
Last evening’s “dinner” got me to the loo with-in moments after rising. And the fact that I can’t chew properly makes intake some-what limited. I have to figure a way to get this tooth OUT! 250$ is out of the equation. It’s most annoying to know that it’s hanging, attached to the slightest bit of flesh. I’ll manage. I always have.
In about an hour, I’ll shower, phone Moe. Have to go to Rite Aid here (deodorant) and Ozone (cigs) then to Moe (as promised). “Have to go”. It’ll never change… GO GO GO.
(PostTime: 21.34) 21.14 nr.7’s running a bit late w/the TV tonight. But, he’s good about such things, I can’t bitch much. Odd, he stops wgen Lorraine picks up. SHE can go to Hell as far as I’m concerned. Not working, lounging about all day, starting her shit at working people’s sleeping hours.
Other-wise, I got to Moe and Ev about 13.30. Moe and I found 4 Rollators and about 4 supply stores locally. I changed the bulb in the loo. Got Ev’s glucometre working. When I left at 18.30 I stressed it was a “visit”: NOT a “paid visit”. Good I said. She was keeping record. I just wanted to do something useful for them. They’re so wonderful about paying my time and it’s so helpful. Besides, Ev keeps telling me how much my help and visits mean to them. I can’t be superficial and mercenary. Besides… 127 days.
Got my cigs en route to them. And FINALLY got my deodorant at Duane Reade here, in Rockaway. Got 2, so I have extra. Also, Anbesol. I’m going to start home-relief for the extraction of this broken tooth. It’s the only way… even if I have to take 2 teeth out. The broken piece is still scratching my cheek.
Gyoza and collards for dinner. The food supply is dwindling. DR cookies for dessert.
Learnt this eve, 7,00$ FEE taken fm my savings last month! Just as I’d put 20% of Friday’s pay in! It just NEVER fails. Losing money. Am considering closing the MCU savings, keep the chequing for direct deposit pay and putting more into the td. Something to consider.
Well. 21.31. The vol fm nr.7 is down. Lorraine is stirring. SHE will be getting a 2-ft pound very soon.
No cocktail tonight. I think I’ll try my 99cent sleeper. Promised M&E I’d be there by 11h tomorrow. Work onlthe book. Rent’s coming!
(PostTime: 21.36) This phone-typing is shit! Typos all over the place! I’m hating this phone more and more!

26.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.11) Just waking. Groggy. The sleeper didn’t “put” me to sleep, but apparently, it kept me asleep through the night and the alarms.
The broken piece of tooth is really scratching my inner cheek this morning. It’s there, it’s loose. But I can’t seem to re-position it. This has to go somehow… very soon.
KHRNY is as clear as can be. But the temp in here is 20. Cool. I wonder if I’ll be able to even receive the broadcast come Summer. (Hopefully, I won’t be residing here then anyway.)
Hot-plate on. 22*. Ever so silent. Maybe I should start washing the bed-clothes. I have enougj quarters but not the time for the laundry. And I don’t want to spend the money. The bed has to be washed. It’s been several weeks now.
The bed, the floor, the furniture… FILTHY! None of this is anything like me. I was so clean. What’s going on?
(PostTime: 10.28) Almost unbelievable: No trains at B116. The Q53 driver doesn’t appear to know what he’s doing. I feel as though I’m about to drop my internal organs in my britches. The tooth is bothering me. Sinuses are in allergy mode. Eyes don’t want to focus. Now the heat is on in this stuffy bus! My back is threatening to go out on me. And? I’m late!
How am I?
No complaints.
(PostTime: 18.48) This tooth is causing much pain this evening. Not intolerable (yet) but just pain. I am stoic. I’ll attend to it my way. Eventually, I’ll get fed-up and just pull it.
Got to M&E at 11. Light rain. Her glucometre is working well. M showered. We did very little Rollator research. But M and I talked art a bit. He’s a great inspiration. Yet they’re both so amazed at how varied and how much I know about things: religion, electrics, computers, etc. As always, I defer to Mum. Such a GREAT woman, miraculous human. With-out her, I’d be absolute nothing.
5 hours today. I’ve taken tomorrow off under guise of dentist. I need the income. I need the time for me though. There isn’t much of that to come.
The Q21 back. The driver shut the door in my face! Second time this happens. Last time on Q53. And I’d wanted a 21 so I didn’t have to walk here. Got on. Packed, save the back where the typical Black kids were so uproarious that nobody dared go back there. How strange: Rosa Parks fought to get Blacks out of the back of the bus; today, the commandeer it, hold it for themselves. They just don’t make any sense. That’s it: they’re senseless.
Now? I deep-fried some brown rice, tossed in chicken broth then 2 pcs. chicken. It’s on the burner, waiting. Managed to pan-toast a bagel (fm PB) and eat that. It was whole-grain. Not good for the tooth. Bits of grain. But I was very hungry.
Managed to get the 2010 monthly pages on here at M&E’s. TEN YEARS into the 21st century. I wonder how much I’ll be able to re-capture. Of course, parts are dine on other blogs so that will be a matter of links. So, I have that to occupy my mind (and take it away from my pain).
Nr.7 is in, I hear. Rainy night coming. Hopefully it will lull the beasts here.
KHRNY very static by the moment. A call-in “psych” programme. On-air therapy. People conferencing their troubles… internationally. But in Hebrew. Good language to my ear. I don’t want to hear English.
By this hour, I sincerely hope Pepino B. is safe, sound and comfortable in Port Orange FL.
(PostTime: 18.59) The chicken and rice is delicious! Must remember this recipe. And all I added was pepper. So EZ.
(PostTime: 20.39) Was just reading NYC8539266 through admit to PHC. Wobbled the broken tooth about to a new, not “good” position. WOW! The events of that Summer in the “Bakfort”. WTF am I doing… still here; still journalling? WTF is it all about? WTF is it all for?

27.Apr:
(PostTime: 9.27) The alarm rang at 7 and I continued to sleep. Rainy and cool this morning. I wonder if anyone will be at T6 today. If so, at what time.
It’s silent in the house this morning. I slept-in until about 8.30.
The broken tooth is still in a position where it doesn’t cut into my cheek but I can’t chew. Eating anything will be a chore. (Yesterday I weighed-in at 174lb.)
Reviewing the bits and pieces of Journals scattered all over the Internet this morning. There’s a remarkable amount of documentation I’ve done! Almost a complete hx. There’s a bit of work to be done to tie it all together, quite a bit more to transcribe from The Shelter days. But a remarkable quantity already on-line.
(PostTime: 9.58) Phil came knocking. Wanted the landlord’s phone. Denise is giving HIM shit! Hmmm. Seems she wants a piece of Phil and Omar’s yard-sales and Phil is none-too-pleased with that. As I said to him, I thought they were tight. “I did too.” says he. Well? They live and learn.
As I once wrote in high school:
If this is what you do to him with me, what will you do to me with them?
Mama? Again, you were SO PERFECT: In life, we have many “acquaintances”… not everybody is a “friend”.
AND Phil got himself a full-sized fridge! Seems he’s not too quick to leave the house. (YAY! KHRNY just came back!) He’s not exactly top-notch, but he is good folks. So “all” is not yet lost.
He told me, “after a fashion” (as Harry used to say) that he’d heard all about me and my rent strike; implied he knows that Denise was going to try tossing me out. “You can’t just throw somebody out. You gotta take that shit to court.” he says. SO! The whole thing DID go through the house.
You see? Shit DOES float.
Oh; and he mounted his TV into the wall, up by the ceiling (hospital-style). Mounted to the wall? Full-sized fridge? And here I am, not putting holes in the walls? Ah well… Doesn’t change my goal to leave. But it DOES decrease my tolerance for noise.
It’s almost 10. Time to get a day on the road.
(PostTime: 23.51) Q35 fm Elmhurst/JksnHts 23.26 Packed! – New pages on the Journal today:
tepped out the door about 13h and right onto the 22 bus to The Fort. Shirl and Penelope were there. “Maggie” is just about complete. Shirl made a deal with Rocco’s hair-stylist on B116 to fix the wig for a by-line. So we put Maggie in the car and went to 116. She was quite the hit! The hair? Not the best. But one can’t expect too much at Rock Park. Shirl gave the stylist a 5. But she got a ticket for parking in a loading zone! Not to mention, the Muni Meter didn’t print her first 1,00$ parking stub! Rockaway! – So, Msggie done, Shirl treated for coffee at my old coffee shop. The woman there remembered me! And coffee’s still 75cents! We took our coffee to the boards at 116 for a little stroll, then brought Maggie back to Tilden. – Took Cody for his beach-walk. The tide was coming in and there was precious little beach! A few more storms and this Summer will be interesting at The Fort. We walked up to Battery Kessler then back on the Ranger Rd. The gate on Harris W. has been busted open! Vermin-Vandals! – We walked over to the Pond discussing tunnels and radiation. Shirl suggested pooling our resources for a car-trip to the MD Nat’l Archives! SHE TOO IS HOOKED ON TILDEN! We’ll see where the notion goes. – We talked about my Shelter life, DHS, GMHC, politics. She told me Penelope is very fond of me. Nice to know. And then it was back at T6 and time to leave. – When I told Shirl to drop me at 116 for the train and said I was going to The City, she wad going home to JH so dropped me at the 74th St. dtn for the F.

28.Apr:
(PostTime: 24.01) I got to the library about 20.15. PC at 20.50 where I re-arranged and added pages, linked to Kalbah and 8539266 so this Journal becomes the Main. Got several time extensions but had to leave by about 22.30 to get this bus. – The security guard (with whom I got friendly back in The Shelter days) and I schmoozed about Rockaway, The Bronx, and the train ride to Rockaway. By 22.50 I HAD to bolt. – Flushing train fm GCT and here we are, BC, 23.58. Thankfully I don’t have to be at M&E’s until 13h.
Meanwhile, one piece of the wisdom tooth is just wiggling, stuck im one small spot to the gum! Annoying now. Anbesol! But not scratching. – THE ROCK! THE S. CHANNEL!
(PostTime: 1.12) At last! Bed. It was a walk fm 108, in the door, put left-overs in the pot to heat (I ate fm the pot), coffee water on, wash the shell-set found today (with traces of clam), make coffee, eat, wash pot, rinse mouth. KHRNY on the radio. Quiet in the house. It was 18* when I got in. 22,5 now. But I don’t understand; I’m not exhausted. Hopefully I’ll sleep. – Anbesol on the tooth, to kill the gum. To under the covers. Alarm set for 9.
(PostTime: 8.59) 8.47 Awake. Woke at 8.0something. At 2.0something, as I lay (dying… thank you Hemingway) in the darkness, hoping for sleep, I reached in, index fingers, left and right, grabbed the larger piece of tooth, and steadiiy drew down-ward. A pinch, a tug, a pop, my sinuses cleared, I PULLED THE LARGE PIECE OUT! Up. Rinse with salt-water. Tiny bit of bleeding. Back to bed. Sleep. Unfortunately, the piece that scratches is still there. And there’s a bit of a hole in there where food might lodge. BUT I DID IT AGAIN! ANOTHER TOOTH EXTRACTION BY “ME”! So Red-neck. (Now, I’m missing 3 and 1 broken to the gum. Red-neck.) – It’s going to be some kind of day… so little sleep and working with M&E. – Weather reports threaten 25 on the wk-end. – Have to pay phone, MetroCard and rent. Well? Well.
(PostTime: 10.07) 10.01 ALL GONE! That little piece just came out. Got it with my tongue as I sat on the bed reading the Kalbah Journal. Ugliest piece of stuff: brown, jagged, mis-shaped, horrid and now gone… AT LAST! And it didn’t cost me 250$. (Of course, I wonder if there isn’t some piece of root stuck up in my jaw. And the gum on the next tooth is black. Cancer? With my fate in existence… no doubt. But… no pain. Okee Dokee. Next calamity?)
(PostTime: 10.17) Just checked the 2 pcs. of tooth: COMPLETE. ROOT AND ALL. THAT WAS ONE DEAD TOOTH! DEAD DEAD DEAD. And now it’s gone gone gone.
(PostTime: 20.21) The hole where the tooth was is healing ever so well!
For schitzengiggelz I Binged BxWlf this morn. Found 3 pix of me on CFS site! Hmmm. YEARS! (Norwood) and no results. Typical.
Well, M&E: 13.30-17.30. Jones’ to try the Rollator. They claim Medicare won’t cover. Moe was disappointed. But I urged a call to the MD. Blew THAT out my arse. Took p foto of script w/my fone, sent e-mail so they’d have a copy? Not good enuf. Ev went to the bldg. office for foto-copy. – Parking at Jones? Moe got car door stuck on curb getting out. So, I pulled the car fwd to get in: broken curb. MY fault? – Trader Joe’s. 4-item list, over an hour! – When we got back, the offer: coffee or go. I “go’ed”.
Dinner: hot cereal (multi-grain) and chocolate yoghurt (I added chocolate, of course).
20.17 KHRNY (103FM/Israel) very clear. I’m tired. Not exhausted. Will take a sleeper tonight. (l’cha dodi is on the radio! Too funny! It’s not shabbat.)
M&E tomorrow, 11.00. 9hrs. to-date. Rent and fone due SOON! Friday? I’m taking the day to ME!

29.Apr:
(PostTime: 8.19) Those generic sleepers really work. I was out just before 21.30, woke about 2.40 with cramps (from to much grain cereal for dinner) and went to the loo. As I pondered staying awake, went right back out. Woke again at 7.30. The draw-back is that I could go back to sleep again. Drowsy. But slept almost 10 hours.
I think the tooth beside the extraction is shifting now. Its root is visible, the gum is dark brown. It’ll be out next, no doubt. Oh well. If I were 20, I’d be concerned. Now? Don’t much care.
DREAM: (I must have heard KHRNY in my sleep) Everybody spoke Hebrew. I didn’t. Young people. I was away fm home, a Summer camp or school. The first part was a lot of trying to avoid Liz and Viv. They were trying for relationships. Nobody was forcing us together but I was moving, ducking, avoiding. It was difficult. I felt anxious because I was so far fm home with no way to get out, get home. – Then, on the roof of a train station. Daniel was joking and moving about freely, not worried about the height. I was all but paralysed in fear. The train came in. It was my only escape. Daniel just slid through a window, called for me to follow. I froze. Just as I thought I’d take the risk (I’d either make it or fall and die), I woke. – A few times I stammered with saying “ani lo medebaer…” but everybody was speaking Hebrew around me.
(PostTime: 10.55) Q53 BC-Glendale. If not for the crisp breeze, a perfect day fot the beach. But last night’s dinner is still cleaning me out. – I have a tooth-ache that can’t be addressed: the tooth is on the dresser. I think my face is shifting. – Reading the 2008 Journal entries this morning has me in a mood. Seems SO long ago. But the horrors still make me bleed emotionally. Hell; that’s where we all are. But every time I mention “Marge” aloud, her spirit must wrench; she hated that name so. (I smile.) Now to throw Grand Wammies to The Great Metaphysical: the blood relations, down the abyss. (I’m not feeling “Kindly” today and dreading the contrary contradictories to come w/M&E.
And so, Ozone Pk. and clear skies.
No word fm Schmulik in a while. No reply to my last e-mail.
(PostTime: 19.25) Q53 I have tomorrow off. It might have something to do with my own contradictory mood x2 today: 1st when Ev said “No wonder only 2 middle-class people live there.” r/t Bedlsm. She judged based on no loo in the rm. 2nd when I said that THEY should use the Internet to research Rollators, NOT wait for me. Oh well and alas. But she pd me 15hrs. for the wk. Said she believes I need major patience with Moe on the PC. I said, and feel, it’s an honour to help him: and his wit and wisdom are great gifts to me. True.
So, I’ve deposited. Small shopping at Michael’s. Will do tiny Waldbaum’d. Then? Wk-end! Look out Lorraine! I’. getting rest if it kills you.
Not wearing glasses for this. S/b interesting to see the errors later. – BC. Almost back on The Rock.
(PostTime: 22.40) Fone svce is shit tonight! Lost 3 calls to/fm Moe and Ev! Internet is DNS failures! This best not be what’s to come!
Called Moe to ask if Ev was serious. (Lost call.) Ev called back to say she was kidding. (Lost call.) Then she left 2 messages to confirm. (As I tap this, NO BLOODY SIGNAL!)
Well, I’m relieved to know and annoyed at not being able to contact ANYBODY.
Spent under 10$ on chicken, 3 cream cheese, ice cream! Sales! Had chicken, collards, corn tortillas and ice cream for dinner! Dishes done by 21h. THEN THE TROTS AT 21.30! Tummy still bubbling! WTF? Hopefully I’ll sleep through the night. I’d like to wash sheets in the morning, beach a bit, Tilden, stuff.
Off to read and hopefully sleep. Lorraine was stirring a moment ago. I’ll go through the wall if necessary. I’m tired.
So, laila tov.

30.Apr:
(PostTime: 7.27) So much for setting the 5.30 alarm. And so much for a day at the beach (nuages ce matin). Makhar? Temperatures to the 30s! BUT the glue I bought to hinge the clam shells works! 2 more sets and it’s art time. (And again, no signal on this phone.) I just woke and my stomach’s rumbling. I have to check my pay-deposit: rent and phone (and carfare, cigs.) So much for this morning? Laundry. Let’s see how THAT turns out. (What’s with the phone?)
(PostTime: 8.12) DREAM: Very dark through-out. PHC (hospital). No lights on. Just enough light to see. I’m a patient. R/O MIA. I’m pissed. Didn’t have MIA. Or did. Wasn’t supposed to be in hosp. Wasn’t supposed to survive. But had no place else to go. Nurse comes in, stretches across all sorts of tables, linens, etc. plops cup of meds on bed-table, walks out. No speaking. I refuse to take thr meds. Get up out of bed. The room’s a mess! Furniture, linens strewn about. – A LARGE group of teens appears at the door in navy scrubs, all smiling. They’re here to sing to entertain me. I ask what school they’re from. No answer. As they stand in my door, I go to the room next-door. In that loo, the toilet is missing! Toilet seat in shower stall. I yell at a Nurse: This is disgusting! If somebody has to take a shit, you expect them to squat over a hole in the floor? The Nurse tells me that language isn’t necessary. I hear her tell another Nurse I’m in Psych-eval. I yell; WHY? Because I’m the only one here who knows all of this is wrong? – I’m walking along a road with Mum. (But she’s a young man.) She tells me it’s wrong that I’m out of contact/reach. If anything goes wrong nobody can find me. Angrily I tell her; that’s the point, you all need to leave me alone, I don’t want help; don’t you get it? I wasn’t supposed to survive this! – In my anger, the dream stopped.
(PostTime: 20.54) Just checking. Tried posting TWICE today. It wouldn’t! Bull-shit du jour.
(PostTime: 22.13) 27* in here! Showered and ready for sleep om clean sheets. First time in about 3 weeks. But let’s try, for the 4th time, to Journal.
(PostTime: 22.26) Late start to the day, laundry at 11h and, whilst doing that, got in touch with Ev to make Peace. She keeps telling me how much they depend on me. It makes me feel uneasy. I don’t appreciate being “needed”. I just enjoy doing what needs to be done and they can certainly make good use of some assistance. The important point: no misunderstandings. – Next? Lorraine tried to pin responsibility for the stench of cat urine in the hall on me. Phil thwarted that. Apparently it has something to do with mice. Inspections due! – Phil is dtermined to be out of here by Summer’s end. We chatted on the porch as I was leaving for cigs. – I got the last 2 discount pax at RiteAid Ozone Pk. Need to hunt more. Then treated me to a 5th Smirnoff. Shouldn’t. Money is REALLY tight at the moment. But, I did it. – E-mail fm Schmulik; IVRIT! NEHEDAR! I SO enjoy having a Hebrew connection. I do miss seeing him. – This eve, after dinner, a solo walk on the beach. Windy, brisk, flipflops. No shells. And the E6000 glue works as a hinge. 2 more sets needed for Mary. Ideas for art NEEDED. – And dinner of fried chicken, ice cream (gone). – Now? Sleep. I’d like to get sun tomorrow. Temperatures to 30plus predicted. We shall see. – Pepino? I sincerely hope you’re Content in FL. Why I miss you, I don’t know.
(PostTime: 22.29) OH! I have to lay the phone on the bed to keep a signal. How convenient for conversation! MetroPCS goes shit now. Maybe they’ve merged with Virgin Mobile (that nr. is STILL active!)