May 2008

1. Thursday: Spent the morning at the National Archives, the evening at FDlib. Returned at about 19h because the cow had a CAT scan today and I wanted to be there in case I was needed. Of course, I wasn’t. But I don’t really care about that anymore. – The good thing about today? My 30-day MetroCard is done and I have another for the next 30 days. That’s what’s important to me these days…

2. Friday: Rain. I PREPARED EGGS FOR US THIS MORNING! I ATE BREAKFAST! SO DID SHE. I COOKED AND DID THE DISHES AND PUT THEM AWAY TOO. NOW FOR THIS EVENING’S TRIP TO “HOME” (FAR ROCK) – The trip went well. The meeting went well. The subway went well. She was awake when I returned at 23h30 but of course, she wouldn’t let me get to sleep until almost 1h!

3. Saturday: The day went fine. I was at HOME. It’s 20h35 at the FDlib and I just happen to KNOW that this will be a night with no food because SHE wants to eat by 16h and I’m not there. Oh well. I’ll starve and she’ll be discovered.

4. Sunday: What a wonderful day! I got a reading in at the RAA sTudio7 and WOW! Was it a joy! Of course it was… going out there… going “HOME” is always a JOY! And then I come back to the flat to fnid that haKalbah had asked Helen K. to do some shopping for her and she included a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. BUT WAIT! She had also ordered some food for US… and for ME? Spaghetti and meatballs! I wonder what she’s got stewing in the background, waiting to hit me with.

5. Monday: WODNERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL DAY AT RAA! Tommy and I were out in the yard, cleaning. Pen came out and said that she’d found frozen eggplant parmesan in the freezer and that she’d heat it and we could all have lunch together! AND WE DID! AND IT WAS STUPENDOUS! JUST LIKE A FMILY LUNCH TOGETHER IN sTudio6! – Today my patches and gum arrived. The “Quit Smoking” kit. I’m almost out of cigarettes anyway and no money to get more so this will come in handy. HOWEVER, haKalbah HAD to get the box open (by the door-man) because she said she didn’t see that it was addressed to me. So now she’s going through my mail! Not that I’m shocked by this. I wonder how much mail I’m not getting and what she’s been going through all the while. Well, time will tell.

6. Tuesday: CALLED IN TO THE AGENCY FOR WORK!!!!! I’d passed the day at RAA cleaning the yard and got the message on the phone. I have to report to the office tomorrow morning to get my ID and be sent along! FINALLY! The first step to getting out of this hell! – BUT TONIGHT? Well, I’ve documented the miserable sht I had to put up with all night on Kalbahjournal. She’ll do anything she can think of to keep me from gettnig away! NO SLEEP ALL NIGHT! NO SLEEP ALL NIGHT!

7. Wednesday: WORK! ID in the morning and right to a client at the Ocean Bay projects! It was a horror! The man locks him-self in his bedroom. There’s no phone. The buzzer doesn’t work. The room? 2 ashtrays FULL of butts! Faeces on the wall. Urine on the bed. Dirt on the floor. Stacks of dirty clothes. SEVEN soda bottles of stale urine! I choked. I gagged. It was disgusting! There’s A LOT of work to be done with this one but I won’t be doing it for the minimum wage. Tomorrow I’ll go report what I found and tell them that I won’t be taking the case for minimum wage. I just can’t. I’ll take it for more money. But not at my present rate.

8. Thursday: Two new clients: Rock Bch and BH! I went to the office, reported what I saw and while I was there found out that my rate is 9! THEN they gave me TWO MORE cases! One at 86th and the other 1t 122 and BOTH ON THE BEACH! I start them tomorrow. IF I can figure out a way, I’ll put in 11-hour days! But I don’t know just yet, how the hl I’ll manage. IF I ONLY HAD A PLACE ALREADY AT HOME! – This evening, I walked through the Israel Concert at Ind. Ave. and spoke with Sylvia and R. Lewis and Otto! Sylvia was REALLY nice. Otto and I discussed Veronica. R. Lewis was rather stand-offish. But what the hey. Hey? – The reception at the flat was cold. I don’t care.

9. Friday: POURING RAIN AND WIND! BUT two clients today! it was a challenge but I made it… in spite of getting to the second client a bit later than I’d like to have and cold and soaked. The morning case is VERY sweet, Haitian and speaks some French! The second case is a member of RAA and in Tommy’s building! So, on good days, I can leave one, walk the beach to the other! Now all I need is a place to call my own out there and I’ll finally be HAPPY!

10. Saturday: Day at RAA

11. Sunday: Clean-up committee at RAA (yeah… right). One person showed and it just turned out to be a general nuissance. But it was a delight to be there. And the other person (Eileen) gave me a lift to the Howard Beach train station and told me all about HB back when. So? It turned out to be a nice day. (And I got money for a pack of smokes on the Jamaican Dole – and when I bought them at RP, somebody before me dropped a buck on the floor and the guy asked me if it was mine and I immediately said “Yes” so I have 5 left over for food tomorrow!) – It’s 20h18 at the FDlib. Gigi came by as I was typing all of this. I have to get to talk with her a bit and then get to the flat. No rush to get there. I won’t get to sleep until 23h45 no matter what… It’s so miserable, having to face that reality. But I hope it will all change by next week!

12. Monday: Quite the day! RAIN! WIND! REALLY SOMETHING ELSE. I would say “miserable” but it really went OK. The morning client is a marvel and a joy to be with. Even the little grandchildren are a marvel. And the family treats me like gold! How could I complain? I had to get my time-sheet in at the office before I went and so, it threw me all off this morning. I got to the agency building and Carol was in the lobby. I asked if I could leave the time-sheet with her. She agreed and then said something about owing them an ID. Well. I told her I didn’t have one and she wanted to argue. I told her I was too pressed for time and she made some kind of comment about the weather and that I had to understand that. I told her I didn’t have to understand it… and then I left to get to work. – THE OCEAN WAS ROARING! THE SURFERS WERE OUT! IT WAS MAGNIFICENT! ANd Mr.T and family were like a home-coming. The rain turned to spritz when I left for the next client. – HIM? He’s going to be a royal pain in the arse, I can see it coming. He wants 8hrs/day x 7days and he and his estranged Mrs. expect me to walk their dog! Well, we shall see. – So I changed into jeans and left there about 19h and took the bus to the RAA for tonight’s meeting. It was good too. BUT… BUT… BUT… I learned that there is a web-site called “dailypainters” com or org and there, one can sell 4z6 paintings for upwards of 600-900 DOLLARS! TALK ABOUT SCREWED! I COULD BE MAKING ALL SORTS OF MONEY ON MY ART RIGHT NOW IF MY DARLING SISTER HADN’T SCREWED ME OUT OF IT. SO THE BITTERNESS INCREASES AND MY HATRED FOR AND TOWARD THEM ALL JUST GETS DEEPER AND STRONGER…. – That said. I got back to the flat at well past 24h and Madame was still awake! AND SHE’D BOUGHT ME A BAGEL WITH CREAM CHEESE, ONION AND LOX! IT WAS JUST UNBELIEVABLE! DELICIOUS! AND I WAS STARVING! Now I wonder what she’s got up her sleeve. Meanwhile, the DOH or DSS is investigating possible fraud and misuse. Well? Should she ask, I’ll simply tell her that it was in response to her little ploy with the lawyer. That’s all. – Not much sleep for this night. Didn’t get to lights-out until almost 2h. on …

13. Tuesday: It was a beautiful day with a screw in the morning. I was tired but looking forward to getting to Mr.T and family. The sun shone, the sky, beautiful. I got a few moments on the boardwalk and watched the surfers. Got to Mr.T on time and as I waited for him to take his meds, Mrs. made me Haitian coffee and served it in a beautiful procelaine cup! He commented on how well his grand-children love me. I’d just gotton the bed stripped and ready to do the laundry when the phone rang. The agency. Adlyne rattled off that I HAD TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE MR. ALBERT GOT HIS 8hrs. DAY AND I HAD TO BEGIN IMMEDIATELY! RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING. Mr.T was obviously hurt by this but handled it very well. I did not, however and when I left, I feigned an appointment that could NOT be cancelled. I told Edlyne that I’d made this appointment some time ago. She barked at me “Didn’t I tell you that it would begin today?” (NO!) “Didn’t the nurse tell you that it would begin today?” (NO!) So she finally calmed down and let it go. So tomorrow, I begin ONE lousy idiot for 8 hours x 7 days. Little do they know… I’m NOT working the week-end. – So I went out to the RAA with Pen and did some yard-work and relaxed. Pen left at about 14h and left me to putz about the place. I got a bench set for her with plants, raked a bit, trimmed the shrub on the side of T6 and got the planters in front cleaned up. Looking good. Left at about 17h, came to the FDlib and here I am. It’s 20h10 and I’m un-winding a bit and getting my “attitude” screwed for tomorrow. I would have been happy about this stint if I’d been notified in advance and if I hadn’t told Edlyne this morning how happy I am with things the way they are. Well… From here on in, it’s “Policy” all the way. – One more item: I got screwed out of 3 hour’s pay by Edlyn’s pranks this morning too! Less money means more time wating to move! THIS will not go forgotten!

14. Wednesday:

15. Thursday:

16. Friday:

17. Saturday:

18. Sunday:

19. Monday: Received my cheque from Premier in the mail today! The rate isn’t 9/hr it’s only 7,60! And a cheque! What am I going to do with this now?

20. Tuesday:

21. Wednesday:It was quite the day today… I headed out to Rockaway, spent my 30 minutes at the SSLib and off to RAA for some planting. My fingers seem to be so delicate lately. ALl I need to do is get my hands into the soil and I’m bleeding! But… I managed to get a visit to Battery Kessler* and when I returned to RAA, the ladies of the Committee were there. Janet offered me the crackers and whitefish spread and left the door opened for me. I ATE! And I had coffee! It was a delight. – On to The FDLib for my 45 mins there and then to hell where: She has me going to court of Friday and she’s asking me what I want for dinner tomorrow night! Honestly! I’m quite happy that she’s been reported for all sorts of misuse of social services and I can’t wait until it hits her.

22. Thursday: Got up this morning a bit later than usual (slept a bit longer than the alarms… until about 6h), showered and got me together to leave. The cow woke at about 7h so that’s when I finally got to the shower. Anyway… Went out to the SSLib for 30 mins – arriving there shortly after 10h. Can you imagine? A woman on the computer actually gave up some of her time for me! Then, I got to chat with the little library/computer girl and I got my 30 minutes! Didn’t get much accomplished, but still. – Then, off to The Fort, in the drizzle, to do a little clean-up in front of T7. The rain came and went and I got a bit accomplished there. I thought I’d be alone but Geoff had a class this morning so I got into T6 to wash my hands. Geoff was ready to leave and said “You’re welcome to hang out here if you want.” The trust! I left though, with a cup of cold, yesterdays’ coffee. But no complaints. – Went up to B66 to BoA to try and change the cheque and the lovely lady there told me that, with my passport, I most certainly COULD! So I have cash now. Not a hell of a lot, but it’s something. AND I got to EAT some 2/1dollar pastries… 4 of them to be exact. – It’s 16h42 at the FDLib and the day is done. – My anxieties? I haven’t worked all week! No pay coming from this week! I need the money now more than ever. I hold the cow responsible. – Tomorrow is another day. Tormorrow is THE day. Tomorrow is MY day. – Tonight she will order food for me. I don’t want to accept it. But then… SHE OWES IT TO ME! – The clouds are finally blowing away. Hopefully the weather will be good soon. Not that it should make any difference to me. I should be working all week-end. Imagine. Of course!

23. Friday:

24. Saturday:

25. Sunday:

2008.26.May
(PostTime: 20.12

These are hellish, horrid days
of hateful hating
loathing and abhoring.
Homeless days of endless wandering
no destination
to stay away
to stay away.
These are days of brilliant sunshine
and eyes that burn and long for sleep.
These are nights of hell-fire dreams
and silent screams
for peaceful respite
deferred – elusive.
These are times of dire dread
of knowing well that soul is dead.
Old eyes can’t focus – don’t want to see
and resented breaths continue
endlessley.
A-top the hill awaits the gloom
of space not mine
where-in you whine
and hate me as I have learned to hate you.
These are hellish, horrid days…
hellish
horrid
days.
08.26.05 @ 18h40 @ SD ball park ebnch passing time prolonging the inevitable moment when I’ll have to walk in that dooor because I’m so tired and cold and hungry.
To Margot – Coming here, to these places, has killed me.

27. Tuesday:

28. Wednesday: I got a new client today. In Neponsit! Orthodox! Wonderful! The only trouble is that I only get 3 hours per day now. This is NOT going to make enough money to get out!

29. Thursday:

30. Friday: NIGHTMARES ARE BACK! This morning, the alarms woke me but I was too exhausted to get up quickly so I drifted back off for a few moments. In that short while, the following:
I was standing in a huose, a small house, full of clutter. It was dark inside and full of odds and ends of “stuff”. The over-all of the place was dark, dry, musty wood. I was standing in the kitchen. There was dust all over. Some kind of construction was happening outside. Suddenly, the cow came walking in behind me. I was annoyed. She was just watching me for no reason… she knew I was annoyed at her presence and proximity. Suddenly, something out-side made a loud bang. I startled, turned to look at the cow and she had this miserably sht-eating grin on her face and said, with a twinkle in her eye “Sounds like somebody’s being evicted.” and she grinned more. I became SO enraged and looked at her and said “That’s MORE than I can take! I’ve had it! This is the end!” and I reached to the counter, took-up a hedge trimmer, turned it on and swung it at her neck! As I swung closer to her, I woke… heart pounding and having to go to the bath-room! The stress is starting to get to my sleep now.

31. Saturday: The month is done. The month of June will see the end of me at this rate. Tomorrow begins my 30-day notice. By the end of that month I will have to be out… and it looks like I’ll be in the streets. When I got in at the flat tonight, the lights were on and the cleaning lady was still there. It was 21h38! I was exhausted! The attitude problem is logged in Kalbahjournal.wordpress.com but for now? For now? I’m tired!