Comments 2008 February

DEADARTIST Tales of Lembrook

DeadArtist: Comments 2008: February

2008 February

I am hated. I know this to be a fact. It is another month. It is a miserable day. The rain is pouring and the winds are banging all over. I’m stuck in the library. I should make a wash. I don’t want to go back to that hellified flat! I am hated. This MUST be the Hell we’ve all heard about. More and more these days, I’m convinced:
If I didn’t necessarily succeed in my past attempts to end this all, then that dream of death I had before leaving 3150 was it. I AM DEAD! It explains so very much. And, I’ve gone to Hell… THIS is Hell! I’m suffering and being tortured for anything I recall having done wrong and even those things that I can’t recall. It’s restitution. It’s retribution. It’s penance. It’s payment for wrongs. This is Hell! I’m suffering and now I know it. So now I have to do what I must to make it through this to the best of my own ability. What’s after this? I don’t know, but it won’t be worse than this. I’m dead already… emotionally in particular. I’m dead already… spiritually in particular. I’m dead already… I’m dead already… I’m dead already…
(2.2 What makes all of this worse – as if it couldn’t have gotten any worse – is that this fat cow moron lazy bitch has her know-nothing, good-for-nothing cronies reporting that they see me in places around here when I’m not there! The Gestapo! She’s a bloody Nazi! No! Wait! The Nazi’s were smarter, quicker, brighter, better… She’s just some trash, born in Holland and raised in Belgium… She’s a liar who claims to be a Holocaust Survivor and all the while she jaunted around the world. Still, it makes it no better for me! Where is my death? Why am I tortured?)
Feb 1, 12:38 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
02. Saturday at almost noon and I’ve been at the Fordham Library since almost 10h. My appointment for the PC was at 10h55. I’ve been on since. It’s clouding-over out there. I have to get to Yonkers for smokes and to RockPark for The Wave. I have to stay away from that hell-hole for as long as possible! She’s getting to me with her bull-shit again. I didn’t go to services again last night. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep again. I was out well before my body had the chance to get going this morning. I have no food with me. I have no drink with me. It’s going to be an interesting day. And I have to conserve what little money I have left while I try to keep alive (fed) for a while longer. Well, the 15.03 is around the corner again. Only THIS time, I’ll be prepared for it. No more fumbling and bungling. There isn’t much time if anything is going to improve. But I don’t se anything improving anyway. Meanwhile, I’m about to do some searching of my own on her “friends” and see what their stories are. Push me! I fight back… For now? I have to get along and out of here. 12h11 already.
Feb 2, 1:11 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
Back at the FD library. Going out to the Rocks whendone here. Arr’d 9h30 got a PC right away! How great is that? Accomplished…
Last night: Mrs. Arsewipe decided to do a call ID on my calls to wake her. She gave the number to Rachel who tried to find out to whom the nr. is registered! Imagine? That fat arse trying to one-up? Anyway, I’m miffed but will deal with it.
On the way back to Hell last night, stopped at KFC and ATE. (It’s trying to kill me now, but it was OK last night.) Got a bottle of vodka too. 3 slugs and I was fine… not drunk… but no pain. It calmed my nerves and took away the pain.
Told the old cow that I had to be out early this morning. She kept me awake until almos 1h this morning! Then, she slept in until past 8h and as I was finishing in the shower I heard the moos and moans from the room. Her timing in something else.
Now? I’m out of here and off to where I can breathe! There’s a new week coming. I hope it will see me gone from this crap!
I’m tired and my bowels feel like bursting but the end of the world is just out there…
Feb 3, 12:15 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
03. Sunday: Made it to the sTudio and a walk on the beach. It was magnificent! Even the 6-hour round-trip commute was OK. I fell into a deep sleep at one point. I needed the sleep. I’m being killed-off slowly by being kept up until past mindnight when she knows I try to get up and out early in the morning… especially when she tells me “I’m having company on…”
She did it again tonight. WELL past midnight.
Feb 4, 11:53 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
04. Monday: Rain. Snow. I’m tired. Bloated. Constipated. Exhausted. On the run. On the run. On the run… run… run…
Feb 4, 11:54 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
Seaside Library today. Not feeling well. Sour stomach. Thirsty. Cold. EXHAUSTED! But I’m NOT at that flat and I’m not being tormented by the Inquisitor. I just need the loo and SLEEP! No rest, no rest, no rest… run… run… run…
I got quite a bit written for the DA Book. It was peaceful at the Seaside Library. I got my 30 minutes on the computers too! I’m “there” now. Spent about 3 hours total time. Left at almost 16h. Got on the A to W4th for the V to Woodside where I got 2 containers of frosting for sandwhiches and a tinned tea. I was SO dehydrated!
Slept solidly and soundly on the A for about an hour! What a difference it made. Imagine? I’ve come to this:
I eat my meals on the subway.
I get my sleep on the subway.
I use public loo facilities.
I wander aimlessly for hours and hours every day.
My stomach was in knots all day. I was SO fatigued! I wish this would burn me out and to death sooner.
(Add: Last night, as I lay on the sofa, waiting to fall asleep, I felt my body leave… I felt my soul leave… I wished with my all that I’d have a heart attack at that moment. I considered taking the contents of my bottle. I’m SO trapped! and there’s no one to offer any help at all!)
Feb 4, 3:33 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
05. Tuesday: 10h45 Fordham Library: I was out of the flat by 8h30 this morning. Been here since about 9h25. Getting things done. Getting things off my chest. it’s miserable out there. Warmish but cloudy and damp. I’ll be heading “Home” (the Rocks are Home now…) whenI leave here. I wish I could make it to the sTudio to see Penelope but I doubt I’ll be out there with time for that. I have NO idea what I’ll do when I get there. If it rains, I can’t stay on the beach. The library opens at 13h. I could stay there for a while. I really don’t have money to spend so there’ll be no shopping. It’s another one of those days when life has no purpose. My stomach is churning again. Every night lately, I’ve been having 2 belts of vodka. It helps my stomach and helps me get to sleep. Of course, I’m taking ibuprofen with it for my back. I’ve noticed that my back can be fine all day, but as soon as I get into the lift to the 5th floor, it seizes again. Now I know what’s wrong. Well, I’ll put more onto KalbahJournal now.
The day went along glitchless, relatively speaking. I made it out of Fordham and to the D to 125th where I got the A. It was a Giants parade celebration day and down-town Manhattan was busy. The ride “Home” was going OK. I’d eaten my sandwiches on the train. Got to Broadway Lafayette and that’s where it all went wrong! A train died in the tunnel to Brooklyn. The announcement went out that they had no idea when we’d be moving again. Thankfully I changed to the Nr.2 and took it to the end of the line in Brooklyn for the Q35 bus. Stood at the wrong corner for a while but when the bus to Rockaway came in, across the street, I made it! And I now know where people go when they get off at that stop that seems, in Summer, to be in the middle of no-where… it’s 169th Street! I walked to the beach at the end of 169th and had a talk with the elements that be. The wind was strong and the waves were beautiful! It drizzled and that’s what cut my stay short. I would have loved to just walk out, into the open sea, and let it do what it would with me. I was SO tempted. I was SO SO tempted. It would have been wonderful… just to keep walking until the water lifted me off my feet… the waves took me under… the open sea took my breath and my limp, dead body just floated out… out… out… Again, I’ll never know why I didn’t. But I didn’t.
Got the 22 into town. The driver was a lovely woman. The drivers on that line tend to be nicer. Only thing: she almost didn’t stop. She said “I don’t stop there baby.” and when I told her that that’s where I always wait (at the garbage can) she was a little argumentative. But other-wise, we had a lovely talk all the way to 116th.
Went to Seaside library, got a 15min. pc time. Checked my e-mails and voy posts. Not much else. Left 16h. Stopped for a Coke and on to the shuttle back to Hell! Read all the way back. I’ve finished “Midnight In The Garden of Good and Evil”. I’m sad to finish it. Starting Horatio Alger tomorrow.
haKalbah was not pleased to see me when I returned at 19h30. Her first words were “I just finished eating.” Of course she did. So I ate another peanut butter sandwich with frosting. 2 belts vodka and the night was screwed as usual. She’s in a strange mood. She’s also having trouble breathing. I should care. I don’t. She doesn’t care that I have pain. She doesn’t make my sleeping any better. She doesn’t care that I have no place to go to during the day. She doesn’t care that I try my best not to interfere with her time and home and life. So? I don’t care about her aches, pains, discomforts.
I have learnt to be a misreably bitter selfish prick… I have learnt from Jim and Margot.
Feb 5, 11:49 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
06. Wednesday: Fordham Library on another over-cast day. Tired. Exhausted. Weak. Want to sleep. Want SO much to sleep. Can’t really decide where I’ll be going from here today. It’s supposed to be comfortably warm but rain, rain, rain. I’m thinking of Roxbury. I’ll probably end up there in the long run. In any event, I’ll be out on the Rockaways today. Just to get as far from here as possible. My stomach is churning again. Nobody cares. Why should I?
16h34 Seaside: It’s been a magnificent day! Warm! Cloudy but warm. I left the library, got on the D to the A @ 125th. The trip wasn’t with-out troubles. An A broke down at 59th. But we came through. I got here! I got to what is, these days, HOME! It was a wonderful feeling, being here. Something happens when I get out here. It’s good. It’s comfortable. It’s enjoyable. It’s pleasant. I headed directly for the beah @ 169th and had my second sandwich on the boardwalk. (I’d had the first on the first leg of the A.) I wanted a bottle of sea water but couldn’t get one at the beach here so I got on the 22 out to Roxbury and walked directly out to the beach. I got my water, but the sea charged me one ball-point pen as it fell from my pocket just as the waters receeded back out! Oddly, my glasses and my phone stayed in my pocket. But I knew immediately… the sea wasn’t giving her water for free. No problem. An excellent investment. I also managed to take care of 3 other little items of protection and lingered for quite a while. JUST MAGNIFICENT! (So I know, for a fact, that this will be taken from me. I enjoy it. I’m at peace here. It will be taken from me. That’s how it always happens.)
So, that done, I got back on the Q22 and here I am… for a while. At “Home”. My “Home at the end of the world”.
Think about it: I leave the flat at 8h30 and don’t return until 19h30. That’s eleven hours. My actual “home” is on the subway where I spend some 6 waking hours each day. I have no home… just a place to lay down at night, shower in the morning and run… run… run…
Adddendum: I got my 30 minutes on the pc and accomplished a little bit of something. It was, in general, a most magnificent day at “Home”. The weather held out for the best and it was unseasonably warm. A delight.
As the Shuttle crossed Jamaica Bay, the sun-set was THE MOST BREATH-TAKING I’ve ever seen in ALL my existence! Bold reds and deep oranges splashed across a sky of dar steel greys and blues! Several layers of clouds parted just enough to reveal the setting sun behind them. There were rays of brilliant red-orange pouring out of the heavens! My heart pounded in my nose! It just over-took me and everything that I am!
I thought: when I live out here, I’ll have to make certain to take this train ride across the bay so that I can witness this often.
The train ride went unremarkably. I didn’t sleep at all. I read. The bus connection was horrific but I finally made it back to Hell by 19h42.
There she was, in all her glory, seated upon her throne. I was in good spirits and not about to let her get me down… And she didn’t until it was time to go to sleep and she had “one more thing to do at the desk” at 23h40! The day ended as days will… She got told about her nastier side and we retired for the night.
Feb 6, 11:10 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
07. Thursday 14h43 at Brighton Library: out the door this morning at 8h15. On the Bx10 to the Bx9 to the Fordham Library where I lost my bowels as water! My stomach is miserable and I’m actually in pain from it. Thankfully I made it to the loo at the library or it would have been disaster! I got my 45 minutes on the PC until about 11h30 and left directly for the D to Coney Island. Slept about 45 minutes on the train. My stomach still uneasy so I didn’t eat. Off the D at Coney and a really amazingly swift and simple transfer to the B68 to the library here. Only had to wait about 45 mintues for this PC and in the time, I’ve written more on the continuing recount of Dead Artist. As I sit here typing, I’m a bit hungry and thirsty. But I don’t dare to put anything in my stomach at this point. I’ll be heading out of here to the bus and back out to the Rocks and the library there. It’s a plan for a day and the day is sunny. Not very warm, but sunny. May as well enjoy it to the best.
On the Bx9 this morning, a woman sat beside me and we got to chatting a bit about the poor public transport service. When she left, she gave me her business card. “Affinity” and her name? Dionisia! Great Grand-father Dionysius! I wonder… Just a passing thought.
Oh, also, somebody responded to my post on Craigslist listing all the money that could have been used to help me along at a time when I needed it and avoided the complete anhiliation of my past. The sender wants to know who’s killed whom and where? I sent Skydyvchik’s e-mail address along and suggested that the inquirer seek the details there. I hope Ms. Chik gets what she deserves from this! I’ve no compassion or sentiments for her or hers anymore. My existence is a miserable hell. There’s no reason for it… save the stupidity and selfishness of those who have caused it.
More later… from “Home”…
Feb 7, 3:51 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
Notes on Thursday 07:
7h – awake
7h30 – shower
8h18 – OUT to Bx10
9h30 – Fordham Library
11h30 – Leave FD Library to D (to Coney Island)
14h02 – Coney to B68 to Brighton
14h20 – Brighton Beach Library
15h01 – Leave Brighton on Q to Avenue U B3 bus to HOME
16h10 – Arrived HOME (Seaside)
The rest? I’ll up-date tomorrow. Meanwhile, I’ve been on the rails and out the door for 8 hours already!
17h44 – Left on the shuttle at 116th
20h15 – Arrived at Hell (The trip was 3,5 hours long!)
Feb 7, 5:32 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
08. Friday – Fordham: Overcast again this morning and threats of rain and snow. Left at 8h30. Stomach still not calm. Quite painful this morning, to be quite en pointe. Left with-out any confrontation though. Took the Bx10 to 231st and cahnged for the Bx1. Good trip but I don’t like the walk to the library. My feet hurt too this morning. But I’m looking forward to getting “HOME” today… Get the paper, enjoy being there… just peace. Hopefully there will be a change in plans for this evening and when I return, the flat will be empty. – Am running out of cash. Need to get back to work SOON. – Monday-into-Tuesday next week will be difficult. I have a meeting of RAA on Monday at 19h. The trip back will be about 3-4 hours. I don’t know when the meeting will end. Am thinking about trying a room at Baxter’s. It will be interesting. It might be fun! For now, I have to get moving along. More from HOME.
Add: Left Fordham, headed out to Home. It was a beautiful after-noon! The sun was warm, the breezes were refreshing. I got the Wave and read most at the beach. The library was civil. I got a computer right away but got lost in all that I wanted to accomplish. Anyway, I was there and out by about 16h… I should know better.
Had a really great chat with a woman while waiting for the shuttle to Broad Channel. As I say, people there tend to be so much nicer. As this woman agreed, it’s a different world and those of us who appreciate it, try to protect it.
From the library, I went to Strand where I got a copy of “Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living In NY”. How I remember reading that, so many years ago. Mom would laugh if she knew I was re-reading it. She was the one who put me wise to it in the first place. She wanted me to live in The Village, get a chartreuse couch. I’m sorry Mom… disappointments. I seem to have grown to excel at those. And I got a copy of “The Waves”. I owe it to me to read Virginia Woolf. Started it on the ride back to Hell. Strange. But I’ll read it and finish it.
Got to the Shithole at 18h15, in fair spirits. Sat right down to eat the sandwiches that I’d schlepped all day. I’m afraid to eat on the rails because my stomach is SO miserable and I constantly feel I have to run. Too a milk to go with. The cow HAD to come sit and joun me with her MOW. During the eating, I don’t recall what, exactly, it was, but she HAD to bring up old garbage to annoy me. It’s to the point were I know she does it with intention…
By 20h30 I was out the door again, off to the Nr.1 train to South Ferry. I determined to stay away until 23h30 and so I succeeded! Took the trian down. Got out. Walked round the block. Had a smoke. Back on the train. Back in the flat at 23h30.
Addendum: At “dinner” she not only argued about the cleaning of the loo, when I mentioned her “mobility” issue and said that she’s had that chair there for months, just collecting dust while there’s probably someone out there in the world who could and would use it but can’t get one because of the one just sitting there, she actually had the audacity to ask me “Will YOU take the time and come with me?” I don’t know where it came from, but I just replied
“No.”
I calculated the trip on Mapquest… will add…
Feb 8, 11:21 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
25. deadartist | deadartist@live.com | IP: 65.88.88.252
09. Saturday: FD Lib
HMT to Brighton Library: 27,83 miles
Brighton Library to Seaside: 9,30 miles
Seaside to HMT: 31,06 miles
Bx-Br-RP-Bx Loop
68,19 miles
Bx-RP-BX Loop
62,12 miles
Feb 9, 10:32 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
24. deadartist | deadartist@live.com | IP: 65.88.88.252
09. Saturday: FD Lib And we’re back at 9h. Overcast again this morning and rather chilly. My stomach is churning and I’m uncomfortable. Not much sleep last night. Will journal at Kalbah for the details. Got bread yesterday. Today, will go for peanut butter and frosting. This is nourishment? This is only eating to avoid hunger pains. The cow started in on me first thing this morning. But I’m not going to include that here.
Must get some wash done. There’s really nothing but the clothes I’ve been wearing every day since LAST Saturday. But I’m afraid they’re beginning to give off an odour. Maybe not, but still.
So, today will be from here to Home to Woodside to Hell. Sorry old cow, I’ll be back too early for YOUR convenience today.
I need to learn to shut it down and shut it out. She’s annoying me with purpose. Doesn’t want me to be too comfortable. She shouldn’t worry. I’m not and won’t ever be. But right now, I think I’ve got kindney troubles. That’s where the pains are. Maybe I’ll get lucky and pass out (and pass away) on a train bound for the end of the world… SOON!
12h19 and I’m STILL at the FD Library! Imagine this?
Feb 9, 10:36 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
09. Saturday: Headed out this morning, into the day, off to the Frodham Library for several hours. The weather was nasty. But I had to be out… I just had to be out and away. I spent over an hour – I was fortunate in getting more time on the computer but, as usual, never enough.
Left the library, having no desire to return to the flat even though “she” went to services this morning, and I headed out to Woodside for peanut butter and frosting for my usual daily meals. Had to take the D down to 34th street to change to the R but hell, I wasn’t in a particular hurry.
Passed some time at Deals and got what I needed AND a bunch of silk flowers for her spath lilly. Thought she’d enjoy the extra blooms and was curious to see how long it would take her to see that they weren’t real. See? I spend money I can’t afford to give her a little enjoyment. I’m such a schmuck!
I looked at frames for my sketches. Pondered an exhibit. But NO NO NO NO NO and NO again! What the hell will I do with FRAMED works? I keep looking at water-colours too, thinking I would LOVE to get back into painting. But NO NO NO NO and NO again! Where the hell am I going to paint these days? I can’t even sketch in the flat with-out distractions and comments that annoy. The slightest thing I try to do becomes destroyed. So why bother?
Hudson Manor Terrace is my new City Terrace North.
Got back to the flat about 16h. Did a wash!
She decided that there would be no Brits tonight because she HAD to watch Law and Orders again and again. Several shows. So, at 21h30, I just made the sofa up and crawled under the covers to sleep. No sense in trying anything any more. Everything resutls in disaster.
Feb 11, 11:50 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08
10. Sunday: A BRISK and WINTERY DAY with WIND WIND WIND!!!!!
First thing this morning I woke, pain-free (but that only lasts for about an hour in the morning and the pain comes slamming back at me) and well-rested. I NEED the sleep! I won’t get it. But last night was a fluke and I woke refreshed for a change.
She noticed the flowers and gave me the usual interrogation instead of going over to investigate – under the guise of not wanting to accidentally bump into anything and wake me. Yeah, right. So that who affair took time that I didn’t have.
FINALLY left for the Fordham library and arrived there about 10h. Got my 45 minutes and that’s all.
Left for Roxbury and ate one sandwhich en route. LONG ride but at least I wasn’t out in the elements.
At Roxbury, (approx 13h) I took a stroll along the roads and checked the little buildings to see which one I could use as my studio. None have doors or windows and all are pretty messy inside. But I might be able to clean one up a bit and try to use it. See? I keep thinking in terms of going back to painting! What an idiot! I just want OUT of all of this. Why do I even have hope? It’s stupid. That’s all. Just stupid. But I do it… besides, it occupies time… nothing more… nothing less… occupies time.
Went to the sTudio to see Penelope. She’s always a pleasure! There was another woman there sitting today. She’s working on water-colours! Kill me! I envy her! But it gave me he incentive to sketch a little. So I stayed for a bit, int he warmth and comfort.
About 16h, as I was getting ready to leave, the sky went dark, the winds kicked up and the snows came! SNOWS! It was SO blustry. But it wasn’t bitter cold so it was a real pleasure to be out in all that wind and snow! Coming into Broad Channel, the snows came at us with such power that the train actually had to slow down! It was WONDERFUL! It was such a pleasure.
I noticed to-day: I have almost No pain as long as I’m away from The Bronx. When I get to the Nr.1 train or the Bx# bus, the pain returns. Hmm….
Anyway, as I went to TRY for another early night, having a VERY long and tedious day coming to-morrow (about 22h) I had to listen to: I’d rather you didn’t (go to sleep) because I can’t sit her comfortably while you’re trying to sleep!
Oh! Just shove it up my already irritated bowels! So, calmly, she got what she’s been asking for and I told her that she’s incapable of human compassion, sympathy or empathy! She asked for it. She got it. AND… she managed to keep me awake until well past mid-night! She won again!
Feb 11, 12:00 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08

(PostTime: 12.13)

There is something in my body,
deep, deep in my bowels,
trying, trying to kill me.
Oh! How I wish for its success.

But it takes me on
too slowly, so painfully.
Oh! How I pray for its rapidity!
But it lingers, on and on.

There is something
in my body
clawing at my insides, ever clawing
scraping, scratching, thrusting knives
every minute, hour, day and night.

Soemthing longs to – needs to – kill me.
I pray for death and longed-for peace.
I deserve a rapid end to all
but it digs and clenches, grinds and gnaws
slowly, slowly over time
08.10.02 12h58 A@GRant Avenue

(PostTime: 12.17)

A begining – never quite finished…. Date: Uncertain

Something happens
along the way
as I cross
Jamaica Bay
leaving Howard Beach
behind
and roll across
Broad Channel Bridge.

May be wind
or sea-salt spray
or watching waves
on water sway
but something happens
along the way
as I look ahead to
Rockaway.

The open sky
the open sea
the sand, the shells
a bare-foot me
a song, a dance
some beach parlance
as out to the end of the world
I travel.

21. 11. Monday 11h SD library. I’m exhausted! Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke at 7h15 this morning. It’s bitter cold to-day. I’m in pain. My stomach is miserable. I’ll have to be back at the flat in a few hours to get ready to head back to Roxbury by about 15h30 for to-night’s meeting (until 21h30). At the rate the trains run, if the meeting gets out at 21h30, I won’t be back here until about 1h30 or later to-morrow morning. I’m not looking forward to that. I was entertaining the notion of taking a room at Baxter’s for the night tonight. I should have done. But of course, I didn’t. I’ll be suffering terribly to-morrow. She claims that I can sleep-in late during the day. She claims she’s told everyone not to call her in the morning. But… if I can’t get to sleep at night when I should be able, beacuse is causes her discomfort, how the hell am I to sleep during the day? It’s going to be a day on the trains, hopefully to sleep tomorrow.
More on the later. This morning I’m trying to fill the time before I have to go back, shower and change and RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!
13h02 STILL at the SD library! And 8 minutes left on the clock! I’ve posted to Cragislist for that guy I saw in the subway on Friday past AND TWO jobs wanted for the Rocks! I’ve password protected Gaston67 and Yehudah at WP. Gotten some searches in. Been VERY occupied this morning! Fate must have farted and made a terible mistake. THIS was the greatest thing that could have happened to me THIS morning! I’ve been safe and warm and now it’s time to screw it all up by going back to the flat (I told the cow I’d be back bet. 12h30 and 13h… oh well… a little late).
Silly that I have to think i nterms of leaving here in abtou 2 hours to get to the 19h meeting this evening. Ah… the 21st Century. But I go because I want to.
I’m exhausted and ready for sleep. Looking forward to that on the A train en route. Here we go!!!!!

21. deadartist | deadartist@live.com | IP: 65.88.88.29

11. Monday:
http://kalbahjournal.wordpress.com/contents/2008/0208-february-2008/#comment-102
So it turns out miserable… in spite of my efforts to let the disappointments of the evening pass. It was nice to be in RockPark at night anyway. The night was cold but the experience was pleasant, all told. But the entry in KalbahJournal explains it all.
11. Monday… continued @ 17h52 @ Seaside! Left the flat @ about 14h-something and was on the Bx10 @ 14h48!
15h10 – @ 231st Broadway
15h18 – ON #1 train
15h32 – @ 168th
15h46 – ON the A train (after a Lefferts train came in)
17h03 – ON the Shuttle @ Broad Channel
17h18 – AT ROCK PARK!
Thankfully, the library is open until 20h to-night or I’d be standing out there, some-where, in temperatures that are hovering around 10F!
I’m exhausted! I’m run-down! Thanks Ms. Kalbah, for denying me a good night’s sleep. And to think… you believe that I believe that you’ll let me sleep to-morrow? I’m not stoopid! But to-night, I’m exhausted.
Add: I left the library about 18h45 and got the 22 to Roxbury. It was WINDY and really quite brisk. So I walked over to sTudio6 where there was no one and no lights were on. Thankfully, the theater was open and I dropped in for the warmth. Somebody offered me a coffee. They were really wonderful. I waited for somebody to show up for tonight’s meeting or the next bus. But 19h20 I was still there, waiting for the bus. I left for the 19h34 bus back into town and noticed a lot of cars parked in front of another building. At 19h30, they ALL left, together to go to sTudio6. But this time, I was ON the bus and heading back to Hell.
I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for 2 Boston Creme and a cruller. They were stale but they filled the hunger gap.
The ride back was… well… it was… The guy sitting behind me on the A kept passing wind. I HAD to move!
The ride back was, unfortunately, quick. I was on the 22 at 19h34 and in the flat at 22h15! When I could have used the 3,5 hour ride, I didn’t get it. And so, it turned-out that there was sufficient time for Kalbah to get her anger vented on me. It’s been recorded at:
http://kalbahjournal.wordpress.com/contents/2008/0208-february-2008/#comment-102

12. Tuesday: Fordham Library. I was hoping to get to the SD library this morning and maybe get more time on-line. But it was better that I simply got up, showered and left. She didn’t say a thing to me at all. I left her a little note on the desk:
“What happens in this apartment stays in this apartment. Does it? I don’t think so…”
I’ve no doubt she’s already been on the phone to Charlie Baron and the lot of them to tell her side of the saga of woe. I’m thankful for this time to record this here, on the Internet, so that one day, maybe, somebody will find it all and know the truth.
Meanwhile, I have 2 slices of bread with me. That will me my food for the day, unless I break-down and buy something more. I only got to eat a sandwich before I left the flat yesterday, and one just before retiring. So she can’t claim that I’m eating her out of house and home!
Add: On Wednesday morning…
It turned out to be quite the adventurous day! The computers at Fordham didn’t register my usage so I got my 45 minutes there and headed back to the SD library where I managed to get a few hours more time! Imagine? It was SO uncomfortable, going back to that neighbourhood, but I wanted my time and had things to accomplish. I was rewarded. But the time, the time. I didn’t want to get back into that hell-hole too early, so, in order to pass the time, I headed out to Brighton… for the time and for the comfort of being AWAY from The Bronx and THAT!
As I got ready to leave, the SNOW was COMING DOWN considerably! It wasn’t just a flurry… it was SNOWING! But along I went… out into the elements and into the cold and snow.
Left SD Library @ 14h45 for the Bx10
Took the bus to 205th for the D
Bought 2 50-cent pastries at 206th and Bainbridge, one of which I put between the 2 slices of bread and ate that on the D witing for it to leave.
By 15h50 @ the D
17h30 arrived at Coney Island to change for the Q to Ocean Parkway.
SNOW SNOW SNOW!
17h43 @ Brighton Library.
19h22 back on the D to The Bronx.
21h50 I walked in the door at Hell.
She wasn’t talkative. I was pleasant. I spoke, briefly then stopped.
I was hungry! I was dehydrated. She offered no food. I took a glass of water in the kitchen and then mixed some peanutbutter and frosting in my glass, sat on the sofa and at that. My guts wrenched! But I held all in silence.
At about 23h30 she got up, still in silence, prepared for bed and that was that. No words at all. And I’m just as happy. But with guts tearing and bladder almost bursting, I simply prepared the sofa for the night.

13. Wednesday: The snows turned to freezing rain last night. This morning, the temperatures rose a bit and all is a constant and steady rain. It’s 12h37 now and I’m at Seaside, warm and dry. Just arrived a little while ago.
8h24 Out – She was up and about and still not speaking a word.
Rain! Ice! But I left.
Bx10 to 205th D
9h32 D @205th (I had to move my bowels and empty my bladder but there’s no place to do that. AND, I’ve nothing to eat or drink with me.)
11h40 I arrived here.
It’s “Home” here too. Home at Brighton. Home at Seaside. Anywhere but anywhere else. That’s how it comes down. But at least there’s peace… some little peace.

14. Thursday: She’s (haKalbah) still not speaking to me. I’m just as happy. Will drop by to see Rabbi Lewis this afternoon. It’s another cold day but the sun is shining. Not bad. with R. Lewis I’ll NOT discuss the flat! That cow’s not worth the time or the effort. Meanwhile, it’s 11h40 and I’ve been at the SD library since 10h! YAY!
Left the library and went to RT at about 14h30. No rabbi. Figures. But I got to talk with Leslie (cantor) for a bit and enjoyed that. When RL finally got back and we got the chance to talk, as usual, she inspired! She explained. She assured.
* She said something to me that I only hope I can keep in my head and heart:
“Why, out of 5 combined children, did the one who has never smoked, never drank, never did anything unhealthy have to be the one with inoperable things on her brain?”
* I see this Rabbi as a woman of great heart and compassion. I don’t know what she may have done in her past, and, like me, she asked “What have I done to deserve this?” and, like me, has never gotten and answer.
* “Did you ever read ‘Job’?” she asked. “Who are you to question…?”
* “Yes, I’ve read Job. But that was Job. I’m not Job. I’m me and I deserver answers.”
* “You must get to a point where you don’t ask ‘Why’. If you don’t stop, you’ll only make your-self insane. There is no ‘Why’. That’s all there is to it.”
* Yes, she’s absolutely right. There is no “Why”. There is no reason. There is no excuse. Sometimes it’s all just that way and there’s nothing more of less to it.
And we didn’t get into all that crap about what was going on at the stall (a.k.a. the flat). I left, refreshed and rejuvenated and with a better understanding and a better ability to cope with crap.
Returned to the library until about 19h30 and left, got the Bx10 to Norwood and went to Nicky’s for a slice of white and a cream soda. It’s odd, sitting there, in a place where I used to live and the address of which I still hold on to and use. But there are no connections anymore. Rochambeau is dead… like many other aspects of my existence. It’s time to move along. It’s time to shed that past and build a new present. I don’t much look forward to it. I don’t have much faith in doing it. But it’s something to pass the time. What the hell? Why not?
When I got back to the flat at 22h20 or so, I simply opened conversation with “I have an interview in the morning, so if you get up and I’m not awake and cheery, please give me a yell to make sure I get up and out on time.” It broke the ice. She wouldn’t shut up after that. But getting to sleep wasn’t at all unruly and the night went into itself quite nicely.

15. Friday: 14h39 SD Library – Just returning from a morning at “Home”. I’ve gone to the Job Lot and gave my application for a “stocker” position and got to “interview” with Sam, the manger and met with “Joe” whom I’m assuming is the Asst. Mgr. Sam was a bit reluctant to offer me anything concrete because I’m living in The Bronx, but I assured him of my sincerity toward moving to Rock. He said he’ll be calling me this evening! The job starts at 7,15/hr (minimum wage) but is for 35-50 hours per week – including week-ends. Oh well. I’ll live with that. I SO want OUT of this area and away from all of what has been killing me slowly… THIS! ALL of this!
I woke this morning, got my coffee and smoke and shower. Hit the bus right on time at 8h50. By the time I got to the #1 train, my guts were binding and wrenching! I had to get off the shuttle at 90th and bolt for the Peninsula Library where the door to the men’s didn’t shut. But they had the seat covers in the loo and I just flushed several times. Then caught the 22 bus into town and headed right for the store. THe place is freezing cold! But what the hell? I’m looking for something sedate and not at all pretentious. I have a really good feeling I’ll be getting just that! In all honesty, I’m hoping to get this job. It’s going to be miserably difficult for a while. Most of my money is almost gone, and not on frivolities. So finding a place to live out there immediately is almost non-existent. It’s going to be a living Hell, commuting, especially if I have to be at work by 9h! (Leaving here at 6h, waking at 5h, not getting any sleep until 23h30 or so… but… suffering is the only way to better living… As if I want to live anyway… All this in order to die with dignity and in some semblance of PEACE.)
Right now, my guts are churning. I don’t dare go back to the stall (a.k.a. flat) at this hour. I want to go to services this evening but they’re not until 19h. I’ll try to cut the time as close as possible. Meanwhile….
Sam WILL call and all will be well!
Oddly: I wasn’t cold on the peninsula. It got colder when I got to the island (Manhattan). It’s rather bitter here, on the main-land. How strange that all sounds… water water everywhere…
Toddling…
As it turned out, I went to services at RT this evening and met with Daniel and it was pleasant. HaKalbah did not attend (as I say, it was pleasant). Thanks to the talk R. Lewis and I had, I’m coming to terms with the religiosity of the situation. It will take time to absorb it and be able to return to the routine, but for now, I’m beginning. Charlie Baron greeted me warmly. I wonder if haKalbah spoke with him on the matter of her adulterous activities. It’s none of my business, really. And it won’t make any difference, I’m sure. Still… The reception was over-all warm and welcoming. The night went along well too. But haKalbah still loves to throw in her jabs.
Note: YOU, haKalbah (Margot) OWE ME BIG TIME FOR ALL THE WORK I’VE DONE FOR YOU! IT STILL STANDS: YOU WANT ME OUT SOONER? YOU PAY ME. YOU PAID OTHERS FOR THE WORK I’D DONE. YOU OFFERED TO PAY OTHERS FOR THE WORK I’D DONE. NOW, UNLESS YOU PAY ME FOR THE WORK I’VE DONE, I WILL LIVE OUT THE TERM OF THE FINANCES OWED.

16. Saturday 10h27 SDlib: Dropped a copy of “Adonai” prose at RT for R. Lewis this morning. Now I’m here. It’s a cold, clear morning. I’ve no-where in particular to go to today but will be on the rails no doubt. My stomach is SO miserable again! This is going on WEEKS of this chruning and pain. I’m afraid to eat until later when I’m at the flat. Even then, I can’t actually eat becaue hsKalbah gets to me with her “crumbs” and bits of stuff she “finds” around the place. I’m balamed for spots in the sink, ordours in the flat, hairs in the loo… the works. She’s trying… very trying! I must learn to igonore her. She’s nuts.
Meanwhile, off to the rest of what I’m here for…
The rest consisted of an empty trip to the CI 99-cent Limit. Bx10 to D to Q to Sheepshead Bay. B0ought rice cakes and chips and a bottle of green tea. A scarf. Ate thee chips and most of the rice cakes on the trip back (B68 to Stillwell to D to 205th to Bx10). Sipped the tea.
Arrived back at the flat at almost 20h to watch the Brits. The rest of this day is only worth Kalbah Journal.

17. Sunday: 10h30 FDlib. Up this morning with precious little sleep last night. Coffee. Shower. Brought food to the Wallenberg Cats and to the bus! Been here since opening at 9h. It’s over-cast. I need to pass the day. My stomach is better but it’s supposed to rain and I don’t have an umbrella. I’m exhausted (so what’s new?).
There’s been no word from the job at RockPark! I’m getting nervous. The world doesn’t realise the importance of this job! But… in remembering the words of the Rabbi… I must go and MAKE things happen. There is no “God” to rely upon. There are no “souls” of realtives to help. Freinds and relatives are memories. Nice. But not helpful. So… we shall fo what must be done… what-ever the f that is.
There are people, few though we may be, who simply do not exist in the flow of energy that is Creation. We may exist perpendicular to it, but we certainly don’t exist in line with it in any way. That’s why shit happens to us: This morning, I finally got the Hebrew that I wanted for the Schmulik Where Are You and I can’t get it to print! It explains why people bump into me; I just miss trains and busses; I WILL get drenched in the rain today… things like that. I exist, with a VERY RARE FEW others in ALL of Creation, in some other field of energy… The rest of Creation doesn’t actually KNOW that we are here… that’s why shit happens to us.
Recap:
8h leave flat to Bx10 to Bx9 to FDlib
11h leave lib to D to A to sT6 until 16h
16h to A to BwyLafayette to #4 to Union Sq. to Strand
Looked for: Wilde, Tolstoy, Kafka, Stark, Judith Herman – found NOTHING
20h left Strand to L to 8th Av. to A to 168th to #1.
RAIN!
Went to Popeye’s for 5 chicken strips. Took me FOREVER! SLOW! At food on Bx10.
Arrived at flat 22h.
Kalbahjournal

18: Monday: Holiday: Up at 7h… EXHAUSTED! Out by about 8h15 to Bx10 to Bway #1. Headed out to Woodside, Michael’s to get some coloured pencils, sharpener and sketch book. I’ll try to put some colour back into my art work. I don’t know why. I’m not going to do anything with it… although, I really SHOULD just tell the old cow to go screw her-self and DO what I KNOW I MUST DO and NOT let somebody else screw me over AGAIN! We’ll see how much strength I can muster…
Left Michael’s after spending just over 20$. Got on the R to Jackson Hts and took the Q53 to 116th street. WHAT A TRIP! Down Woodhaven Blvd to Cross Bay Blvd. Through Howard Beach and Broad Channel! It was MAGNIFICENT! At Broad Channel, there was HEAVY FOG! AWESOME! Standing at 116th, I could actually WATCH the fog blowing. It was cooler out there too. Just wonderful!
Got to the sTudio and Penelope opened the door to greet me! What a wonderful event for my other-wise aching heart! Fred came by to speak with P. and I took a stroll along the beach and up into the brambles. WOW! There just isn’t a word to describe it all. Just no words at all.
I managed to start playing around with the new pencils. Nothing great. Experimenting.
Stayed until 16h and left with all. Got the same nice driver on the 22. Got on the A and headed right back to the Hell-hole.
The day was wonderful… as it is… until…
KalbahJournal

19. Tuesday 15h40 Seaside: Got out of the flat this morning and to the FD lib on time. Managed to get a PC and out the door by 11h30. HIT THE RAILS! Out to “Home”. Spent a few hours at the sTudio and hopped the bus to here. It’s COLD! WINDY! Ah… what I do to avoid being “there”. It’s supposed to be snowing tomorrow. Isn’t that wonderful? Anyway, I managed to start a colour-pencil sketch while doing laundry last night. It looks like I’ll just head back to FDlib to work on it. – Stomach’s not good. Need to pee. No place to go. Can’t spend any more money. Must make sure I have enough to keep my MetroCards going. If nothing else, I NEED to keep away. – No word from the job application. It’s getting to me. – Ah, what I wouldn’t do for a vodka right now. – Well, off to the shuttle and back to the grim realities. It’s been a nice morning and a nice day so far.
Went to the FDlib this evening and bumped into the Lesbian guard whom I haven’t seen in the longest while (I haven’t been going to the FDlib in the longest while). She greeted me as an old friend. We talked. We passed the time. It was comforting.
Got back to the flat at 21h15.
She never offered any food. Never offered any comforts of what-ever. I shoudn’t expect anything from her because that’s what I get.

20: Wednesday:
Dep: 8h09
Ret: 21h48
8h09 out the door to the Bx10 to A to Q to BBlib until 11h.
Left there and went to the 99-cent Ave.Z and BOUGHT FRAMES JUST IN CASE I DECIDE TO ENTER SOMETHING IN THE COMING EXHIBIT. Left there to the Q to 42nd to the #1 to 242nd to the Bx9 to 262nd.
Walked up to 3 Magnets and the only cartons he had were the B1G1 so I got TWO cartons at 60$. (Cleaned me out of cash… there’s only 20 left in the banque now.) Got there about 15h the left.
Bx9 to FDlib (16h)(reviewed some pancil art books at got a PC at 19h30) and stayed until about 21h.
Bx22 to 105th and Paul to the Bx10 and back to Hell.
The cow was on the throne. TV on MUTE! She’s now sitting there, all day, TV on, NO SOUND! She completely ignored me and simply said “I want to watch something at 10:00.” Typical.
No arguments this evening! But I didn’t talk to her much – if at all.

21. Thursday:
Dep: 8h20
Ret: 21h30
A bti of a blustry one but nto too bad. Tolerable. Came to FDlib at 9h, reserved a PC for this evening. STARTED AND FINISHED A SKETCH IN COLOURED PENCIL TO-DAY! SPLIT ROCK FALLS! (Started it this morning, then headed out, and finished it this evening!)
Left FDlib to the D to Coney to the Q68 to BBlib. Got there with lovely time. PC for a while then over to the “A Market” for coffee and some candy. (Little did I know, that was going to be the bulk of my food intake for the day.) Got back on the Q to Coney for the D and back to the FDlib for the evening. Arr’d approx. 16h30 and hung until my appointment on-line at 19h45. For some reason, I get my 45 minutes and that’s all. The PC was available, but it wouldn’t let me extend. Oh well.
At any rate, it was a good day, over-all.
When I got back, the cow wasn’t there. I made a quick sandwich with the last of my bread and jelly (w/peanut butter). Gulped it down with a milk. She got back about 22h. I went down for a smoke. She plotzed on the throne. When I got back, she was already there, as if she hadn’t been anywhere else. Watched Law and Order (of course).
AT 22h46 SHE DECIDED TO GO TO HER DESK AND THROUGH HER MAIL! BUT… by 23h30, the lights were out.
It was a cold one. Tomorrow is supposed to be MISERABLE!

22. Friday: SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW! The schools are closed. The busses are running the way they do in this weather… almost not at all. I was out of the flat by 8h20 anyway. It could be beautiful out there, but it’s not all that great here, in NYC. My boots (from Jackies, 24,99$) aren’t water-proof. I’m learning that this morning. I’ve got 2 pairs of socks on though and there’s fare left on the MetroCard so I won’t have to be out in it. When I leave here (FDlib) I’ll head out to BBlib. I don’t really know why… but it’s something.
Ah… what I will do just to stay away from the old cow. Besides, if I stayed in the flat, I’d be sitting there, in the dark (she won’t put on the lights) and the TV would be blaring, old game shows and bull. I couldn’t draw or read. I’d be stuck on the sofa for the entire day. Why bother? And she’d find some reason to start an argument. So, better to be away… FAR away… FAR ROCKaway.
Never made it to BB but did get out to Seaside. Then back to the flat to try to watch the Brits. But, (see the comment at KJ), it was a broken evening. Still, I am happy that I made it back to “Home” today. I get a few hours of feeling something like a human-being that way.

2008.22.February

(PostTime: 11.02)

Would you swim against the Ocean’s waves
because they bring you back to shore?
You may have done in younger days
but now – no more – no more.
The Sea will take you where it will
in arms caressing, gently porting.
Carry you to peaceful sleep
where you shall suffer
no more – no more.
08.21.02 8h54 on Bx9

23. Saturday at the FDlib I was out the door by 8h13 got here at 9h and it’s now well past 11h and I’m on my way to the rails. There’s a bit of a light flurry out there again but that’s the breaks. We make of it all what we can. At least I was under the covers by 23h30 last night. Right now I’m hungry and I have nothing with me so I’ll have to get something and spend money I don’t have. But… I need to eat something.
Heading out to sTudio today. Got much accomplished here this morning.

Feb 23, 12:43 PM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08

23. Saturday: What can you say about a woman who SETS AN ALARM CLOCK for every two hours to remind her to go to the loo?
(I HAD to begin an entry with this comment. It’s the essence of what I deal with at the flat, even though I’m there for only a few hours before sleep, a couple of hours after sleep and that’s it.)
Dep:8h14
Ret: 20h03
WHAT A DAY! WHAT AN INTERESTING DAY!
FDlib by 9h. Time and time on the PC. Got quite a bit accomplished… photos down-loaded to blogs, research and the likes. It wasn’t all that cold and there was only the slightest bit of snow falling all morning. So, I left the lib and headed to the D to the A to “Home”…
I was hoping the sTudio would be open but… when I arrived, the door was locked and only Geof’s truck was there (but he was no-where to be seen). So, I just continued to walk, into the dunes…
WOW! Believe it or not, I managed to WALK almost to the Point! The road just kept going. I explored the Batteries Harris East and West. MUST get back into them with a flashlight! There are buildings all over the place, nestled in and amongst the shrubs and dunes. It’s erie and exciting and frightening (considering this place was built as a war-time protection).
From the top of Battery Harris East, the view was astounding! Across the dunes and out to sea! I took a couple of photos from up there with the cell. They didn’t come out very well, but to-morrow is supposed to be clear and I’m going back for more exploration! Hopefully, there will be NO one there and I’ll be able to do as I damned-well please.
Relief came yesterday too, after a rather long while. There are places to go and places to be, out of the way, and so, it’s a comfort of sorts to know that I won’t have to depend on the sTudio all the time.
Now, my heart-ache is that this too, will be taken from me. The warmer weather will be a delight out there. I’ve come to adore this place. There’s so much there to get lost in and so much potential for just being alone (although, it would crackle if I could find somebody with which to share it… But I’m not hoping and I’m not even taking that thought seriously. As it stands right now, I’ll be “leaving” here ever so soon – there’s no other way out of this situation. I’ve tried to get work, no matter how menial, and, well, there’s just no other way out… but “SLEEP”.) The MetroCard goes up to 81dollars on 2.3. I don’t have all that much money left. I can get through March but not further. It’s not good.
Meanwhile, I keep my eyes on places from which to simply leave here… go from here… I’m at peace with that plan. I just don’t care anymore. I can’t care anymore. If I care, the pain is too much.
Daily, I remember the music that I no longer have and can’t enjoy any more. I remember the guitar. I remember the art work. I remember the prose. It’s the small things that can’t be replaced, that weren’t worth all that much to anybody else.
I grow more hateful every day. I grow more bitter.
Standing at the shore, watching the waves and pondering what, exactly, makes them come to shore the way they do I thought:
The water simply responds to the natural flow of everything. The waters just come and go. The waves roll in. The waves roll back out. There’s no fight against anything. The gulls float effortlessly. There’s no struggle. That is how I should be running my existence… just let Creation take complete control.
So, I walked around the Ft. for HOURS….
A immediately to the 22 to the Ft. Walked until about 14h30, down to the Point along the roads, back toward the sTudio along the roads. Took a path down to the fresh water pond and from there, out to the beach. Walked the beach to 169th and then beyond, down into Jacob Riis. The boardwalk is depressingly out of shape. Walked down to 149th to the 22. Stopped at Dunkin’Donuts (116th) for 2 boston creme and a med. coffee (dinner). Back on the train and back to Hell.
Still, it was a great day, talking with no one and being bothered by no one. Not even the cow got to me!
Feb 24, 10:30 AM — [ Edit | Delete | Unapprove | Spam ] — 02.08

24. Sunday: Fdlib 9h
Dep: 8h13
The sun is shining. The reports promise tolerable temperatures. I’ve got the flash-light from the CragsPO and am ready to hit the dunes and batteries to explore today! Hungry. Very hungry. But ready to hit the rails and get the hell “Home”.
Needed to get some things printed this morning, but of course, the printers aren’t working. What can anybody expect?
Add: It turned out to be quite the day! Beautiful weather! I got out to the sTudio about 13h or so. Brian was there with Penelope and a few other people. Geoff came in to work. It was just so good to be amongst the artists. (Especially since Brian was there. I wonder about him… I wonder if… I wonder if I…) Anyway, I DID get to go into the batteries! Well, it was… The “rooms” reminded me of the good old days at The Anvil (and I admit, I used one for just that purpose). But there was really nothing much to them. Still, it’s good to know.
So I went back to hang out at the sTudio for a while and Brian offered me a beer! It’s been so long since I’ve had a beer! That just made the whole day more delightful!
I left when P. and Br. left. Walked over to the beach and headed down toward Riis… BUT… I didn’t stop at Riis this time! I just kept going! Talk about the most relaxing way to end a day. The breeze was blowing and the sun was setting and there were SHELLS ALL OVER the place! I managed to collect more snails than I could have imagined! Kept walking along… until I managed to get downto 116th!!! The sun was setting. It was getting dark. It was getting cool. It was just magnificent! I was SO at peace… with me… with the world…
Stopped at the market for chips, tea and a loaf of bread. Got on the train back to Hell just as the sun was disappearing out over Brooklyn. I was at peace… as much as possible. The trip back was uneventful. I took the risk and went directly to the pit and arrived there about 20h. She was in her usual form and I just didn’t care much because I was exhausted.
PS: See comments on BrokenWaves

25. Monday: FDlib 19h53 – I got up this morning, took my shower and bolted for the door. Went directly to RockPark. Stopped at my little depaneur for 2 50-cent pastries and a 75-cent coffee, got on the bus and was at the sTudio by about 11h! There was P. working away with “Robin” (a guy who works in wood – Russian too!). P.’s sculpture is coming along amazingly! I’m in awe of it all. – Got time to work a little with my colour pencils. Not too happy with them. They just don’t give me the colours, texture and effects I look for. But I’ll keep trying.
Stayed until about 15h30. Went into town for 30 mins on PC at Seaside and came here.
Bought two hotdogs from a vendor on Teibout and Fordham. A DOLLAR EACH! They were delicious! I was SO hungry I was sick all over. But they really did the trick. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve had a hotdog. Anyway… came here, sketched a bit more and now here we are…. biding time and hoping to get enough done on here this evening….
Not looking forward to getting to the pit and the cow this evening. (Check Kalbah Journal for this morning’s situation.)

2008.25.February

Moratorium

Cyndi Mack
Anthony Mack
Joseph Yeomans
John Yeomans
Bill Yeomans:
YOU STOLE MY ART,
MY MUSIC,
MY LIFE!
YOU MUST FEEL VERY GOOD
AND SO OMNIPOTENT NOW,
HAVING COMPLETELY ERADICATED MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE!
c/o 19 City Terrace North, Newburgh, NY 12550

I was once, very angry, torn by hate born of never understanding how you could possibly be so evil. But as I put this page to rest I find solace in the fact that Karma, Creation, “God” – if you will – has attended to you. How terrible that the child you brought into this world for no reason other than your own selfishness and self-serving should have had to suffer. But then, you made HIM suffer, just as you made, and continue to make others suffer. HE is, at long last, away from you and at Peace. You can’t cause him any more sufferings. What horror that the only true escape from all of you is… death. You, all of you, the malignancies of Creation.

27 February – Wednesday: (Entered March) I bought a flashlight at the 99-cent store CIA. made the grave error of trying to put the batteries into it in front of the cow. She watched me and had a fit: “I have flashlights!” – I ignored her. I voiced “Ah, they don’t tell you how to turn it on…” – “You better bring it back! Get your money back! It doesn’t work. I’m sure they’ll give you your money back.!” Well, I finally told her it works, I don’t want my money back and had to shut her up by telling her that the RAA gave me the money for it in the first place! – Oh! Yes, this morning she accused me of “procrastinating” in the morning before I leave! I get up, make my coffee, pee, go out for my smoke, come back, get clothes and such together, shower, dry, dress and out the door. I hardly have time to take a dump! I told her I take umbrage. She argued. I just let her go.

28 February Thursday (entered March) When I left this flat this morning I asked here if it was OK to come back this evening between 19-19h30. I told her I needed to make a wash. “You stay down there with it. Right?” she asked. – “Yes.” I replied. – “Good! Because I receive my phone calls around that time.” – AH-HAH! You see?! I’m “in the way”, even though she tells me that she tells others that I’m NEVER “in her way”.
28 February Thursday: I wanted to make a wash today so I ASKED if it would be OK if I returned to the flat between 19-19h30 this evening. – “You stay down there with it, right?” was her response to my question. – “Yes.” I said. – “Good! Because I receive my phone calls around that time.” – OK. So now she’s playing the annoyance crap thing with me. See? She’ll deny it to others, but to my face, in the flat, it’s all a different story!